#but i just think ive always repressed myself and pushed all of that down to the point that i dont know what it feels like? cause i watch | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

dollfaced-erin · 4 years ago

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Not So New Afterall (Sdv Sebastian x F!Reader)

A/n: I would say that to all the townspeople (Y/n) has met before her parting, she’d have at least 4 hearts with everyone, (minus the bachelors and bachelorettes who were not in the timeline) and 6 hearts with Robin, Sebastian, Abby, Caroline and Jodi.

(Lets just say Robin was good friends with grandpa and found his granddaughter a favorite)

(Caroline found her as a well-mannered and kind child when she was younger. She surely hasn’t changed her thoughts about the girl)

(Jodi always wanted a daughter and found (Y/n) a cute little baby, she really liked it when (Y/n) would come over to play with Sam and help her around the house, teaching Sam to do some housework) (the woman is fond of her)

CHAPTER SEVEN

Harvey grabbed (Y/n)’s wrist and felt her pulse. “Based on the blood she lost, she’ll need a blood transfusion! And the equipment is in the clinic!” the older male said, hoisting (Y/n) into his arms.

“I’ll need a person with her blood type or an O positive!” Harvey said as they rushed out of the cottage. “Does anyone have that blood type?”

‘Shoot!’ Sebastian thought to himself. He’s a darn A! They had no time to scan for her blood type. But he knew who has an O. “I know someone! !’ll go!” he called out before parting from the group.

The dark haired male was running down the stairs near the river before heading to the bridge near Joja mart. During certain days, the person he was searching for would be on the bridge till late.

And thank Yoba, these were on of the days.

He didn’t really want to talk to anyone, but he really didn’t have a choice.

‘But why are you doing this? For one girl?’ a voice at the back of his mind whispered. ‘You really aren’t like this. Why are you panicking so much?’

Sebastian stopped in his tracks, thinking about the voice. That was true. He isn’t one to help others. He mainly kept to himself. He’d usually be cool and wouldn’t talk much. Why was he panicking?

Was it because he hated the sight of her limp body?

Probably

He didn’t want to be burdened for his faults if he didn’t do anything but just left her body there.

Yeah, that was it.

“Hey, Seb!” Abigail called from the bridge, raising a hand to greet him over. “What’s with the frazzled look? You look like someone has been chasing you.”

“Abby,” he said as he came over. “You’re an O positive, right?” he asked, grabbing her arm.

The girl nodded, her face slightly flushing over the hold he had on her joint. Sebastian didn’t think much of it and immediately pulled her with him without an explanation.

“H-hey! Where are we going?” The purple-haired girl began to panic, but still followed the pace the male ran, keeping up with him easily.

This really wasn’t like him. He wasn’t one to panic. Why was he so energetic and loud today? He hasn’t been like this in....Abigail bit her lip as she thought. ‘In such a long time,’ the voice in her mind responded.

But taking in the sight of the clinic, she knew this wasn’t good. Did something happen to his mom? Did something happen to her family? Did...is this why he asked for her blood type?

She kept rambling all the possibilities until she never realized that they had burst into the clinic. But her thoughts stopped as she saw the new farmer on the hospital bed.

“Abigail!” Harvey called out, surprised that Sebastian knew her blood type. “Thank Yoba your blood is compatible with hers!”

Abigail stopped. Her hand falling limp from Sebastian’s grasp. Tears welled in her eyes.

“(Y/n)...?”

The said girl was laying motionless on the hospital bed, her skin pale as snow. Her eyes closed and breathing shallow. Her hair was out of its usual hairdo, leaving the strands of (h/c) messy around her face and head. Her shirt was removed to expose the the wound to Harvey, leaving on her underwear to preserve her modesty and also exposing the bruise she got from last night.

But the scar on her right shoulder,

It unlocked her self-sealed child memories.

Tears escaped her green eyes. “She’s alive...? After the accident? It’s the same (Y/n)?” she sobbed. Sebastian placed a warm hand on her shoulder.

“It’s her. She came back,” Sebastian said, a somber look crossing his eyes. “And this time, you need to help her.”

Abigail nodded as she stuck out her bare arm to Harvey. “Hook me up,” she said with determination, eyes still dripping with tears.

Abigail and Sebastian was sent to another room as the operation took place as everyone else was sent home since she needed to donate her blood. Sebastian was allowed to stay since he needed to accompany the purple-haired girl. Abigail was given a box of apple juice to help increase her glucose levels as she donated her blood to her former best friend.

Sebastian sat on the chair next to Abigail, is eyes blurred and tired as he looked down at the floor. The silence between them was heavy. Since Abigail had just remembered the dark tragedy of Pelican Town. Tears began to drip from her eyes once more.

“When did you know?” she asked Sebastian, her eyes looking down at the crisp white sheets of the clinic bed. He shrugged. “I...saw her scar, and at first it made no sense to me why I suddenly reacted to it. But then I think I thought of it too much, and...I dreamt of it,”

“No way. Did you like...have a nightmare or something?” Abigail told him, but he shook his head. “It’s not impossible if I woke up and everything rushed to my head in that instant,” he told her. “Plus, mom told me that it was true.”

“No way,” she chuckled. “She really came back, huh? At first I thought it was just...a person with a name that sounded familiar, but I thought it was just a common name. But that’s not the case anymore, it seems,” Abigail said with a smile. “After all we’ve done to her, she still came back here? Not to mention that we’re the ones that caused the accident.”

“It wasn’t you. It was me,” he said with a deep frown. “I really thought that she died, and I never registered what happened after. I even dared forget about her.”

“It’s not forgot. It’s...repressed memories and stuff when we were kids,” Abigail said, referring to one of the books she read during her classes. Sebastian nodded. “Extreme trauma would block out the memories in a way of coping with it.”

“But,” she said, clutching onto the hospital sheets. “It doesn’t make me feel less guilty,” tears collided with the white sheets as a green bow clip was in her sight. “She even gave this bow to me. I can’t believe I still forgot her.”

In normal circumstances, Sebastian would’ve felt awkward, but he understood the feeling. He put a hand on Abigail’s back, running it up and down as he tried to calm her. It was true, however. Knowing that they had forgotten their friend who had saved Sebastian, the person who had always made Fall better, matching their clothes during Spirit’s eve, who brought them little things to enjoy together during their visit,

The guilt was truly unbearable.

After a few hours after Abigail was released, she and Sebastian stayed to wait for the (h/c) haired girl. Both of them wanted to see if she was okay or not. Sam came bustling in soon after. Then Maru came out and gave them the thumbs up, all three of them jumped out of their seats to burst into the room.

“She’s been stabilized, thanks to Sebastian’s quick thinking and Abigail’s generosity,” Harvey said after cleaning all the blood. “She was in a dehydrated state and heavily injured. It was a wonder how she managed the strength to move with those injuries.”

“She’s fine, but she needs to stay here for the night so I can monitor her,” Harvey said again before looking up at the clock. It’s 9 pm. Three hours after Sebastian brought (Y/n) in. “It’s late, you all need to go home.”

“But can we stay with her? I asked mom if I could,” Sam started. “We’re staying just in case she wakes up,” Sebastian butted in, earning an eyebrow raise from Harvey. But the older male just chuckled.

“I suppose it won’t do any harm,” he started, “But please not make any noise before and after she wakes up. It might surprise her and raise her blood levels,” Harvey said before leaving the room with the three and one unconscious girl.

Sebastian turned to look at the girl who looked eerily peaceful, her hands placed above her stomach. Her right hand was attached to an IV drip, and her vitals were steady. Her clothing had changed to a hospital gown, probably not to put any pressure around her waist here the injury was.

“Lets grab a seat,” Sam said, removing the partition between (Y/n) and another hospital bed. “Are we even--” “It’s alright! We’ll put it back tomorrow!” Abigail butted in before helping Sam push the bed together.

“You guys really like her, huh?” Sam started, making the two freeze from what he said. Hasn’t he-- “Oh, I know she’s the same person from the accident,” Sam said as he removed his shoes and sat down on the bed.

“I realized it long ago, actually. When Abigail mentioned it at the Saloon, I just went with it since I thought the both of you actually forgot her,” Sam confessed, leaning against the headrest. “It was hard for me to talk to her, I was the reason she got hit in the first place.”

“But when Abby told me to just talk to her, I realized that you guys probably forgot,” Sam said, bringing his knees closer to his chest. “I remembered when she first came. Mom was careful to never trigger anything, but when she introduced herself to me, I saw the mark on her forehead. I excused myself when everything started coming back to me.”

“It’s hard, to look at her without remembering the hit. I feel like she’s been hating me, never forgiving me,” Sam said. “But when I saw she was rushed in here, I was hesitant. Mom told me to go, but I didn’t want to face her,” Sam looked at the resting girl.

“But she told me (Y/n) came back to see all of us, I bolted,” Sam chuckled as Abigail and Sebastian sat on the same mattress. But tears began to fall from his eyes. “I-I thought she would never want to see me ever again, not after what I’ve done to her,” he sobbed and Abigail slung an arm across his shoulders.

“Never really thought she’d come back,” Sam sniffled before gazing over to (Y/n). “I’m just happy she’s here.”

“Hey, Seb,” Sam called, the dark haired turning his head to face the blonde. “Yeah?” he answered. The latter gave a loopy smile, and even though he just cried, his eyes were bright of mischief.

“Do you still like (Y/n)?” he asked, making the other two freeze in place. Abigail slightly retracted her arm and Sebastian’s shoulders went tense. “Wh-what are you talking about?” he asked.

“You know what I’m talking about. Do you still like--” “Wh-where am I?” a groggy voice spoke, quietly, but loud enough for the trio to jump to the bed next to them.

(E/c) eyes started to open slowly, but squinted from the bright light. There were blobs of shadows in her sight, slowly clearing to reveal the trio before her eyes. All of them had worried expressions, eyes either red or still filled with tears.

“Abby?...Sebastian?...Sam?” the girl choked out as she slowly tried to sit up. “Wh-what happe--” Before she could finish her sentence, she was tackled back down by a force, pinning her back to the mattress. “Abby?”

“You stupid, stupid girl! How dare you get yourself so hurt again?!” she cried, burying her head in (Y/n) shoulder, trying to hide her sniffles as the girl slowly got up again.

Sebastian tackled her left side, wrapping his arms around the (Y/n) and Abigail. “You have no idea how much I panicked when you came out like that!” he shouted in frustration.

“You had us so worried!” Sam said as he hugged (Y/n)’s right side, careful to mind the injury she got. “Never do that again!” he cried out.

“I lost you once, I’m not losing you again!” Abigail cried. (Y/n) looked at Sebastian, her hand slowly coming up to brush his dark locks.

“At least I saw you at 6, right?” she chuckled, earning a glare from the male. He hit her back, harshly before hugging her again. “Yeah, but that’s NOT what I meant!”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. Sorry guys,” she laughed lightly as they all clung to her.

The next morning rolled around, and when Harvey walked in, he chuckled at the sight. (Y/n) was laying down since her sides hurt to sit up, Sebastian was sleeping sitting up as he held (Y/n)’s left hand in his own. Abigail was cuddling her on her right, clasping her right arm with both of her own. Sam was similar to Sebastian, but had his arms crossed over his chest.

‘These four really have a special bond,’ Harvey thought, smiling to himself. They didn’t look like young adults anymore, but more like children who wont let their friend go.

Of course, Harvey knew that almost all the singles around (Y/n)’s age suffered from Dissociative Amnesia from extreme trauma as children. And (Y/n) herself has been a victim in the accident that caused it. He knew since he saw her medical records and he looked at her nicely healing scars. But the affect strongest was the ones surrounding her. The sisters just haven’t remembered just yet.

7 AM rolled around, and (Y/n) stirred to wake up, pulling those around her away from their dream lands too. Harvey had just left the room to set up his clinic for the day.

Harvey had agreed to let her out, and asked them to keep an eye on the healing girl. Se got 7 stitches and she had to be very careful. Abigail happily volunteered to assist (Y/n) on the farm and Sam and Sebastian would check up on them every so often.

Little did they know, Harvey had taken a photo of the quartet, sending them to their families. Of course, being the lovely mothers they were, they framed the photo and hung it around somewhere in the house.

#stardew-valley-x-reader #sdv sebastian #stardew valley #sebastian (stardew valley)#sebastianxreader #sebastian x reader #reader insert #stardew sebastian #female farmer

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tigerdrop · 4 years ago

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hey i just wanna say the long posts genuinely make my day. also can you talk more about gordon freeman character because the way you write him makes me quake in my gay little boots

i would love to talk about gordon freeman. thank u for the opportunity

the first thing i need to communicate about gordon is that this dude sucks. and i say this in the fondest way possible. he is a bitch from the moment he drops into the world until the moment he goes out. if you dont believe me, give it another watch! gordons mouthy and rude for no real reason, at least so far as “being a regular dude on his way into work” goes, and this dude goes around calling his coworkers names with zero provocation. (of course, we all know that the reason is because its a funny guy improv stream that borrows a bit from freemans mind, but im talkin from a character sense.)

but my argument isnt just that gordon freeman sucks. its that he sucks in a very specific way that i find insanely endearing. i love this dude. i love to hate him. hes awful in a very mundane sense - weve all known a guy like this, at least if youve spent too much time online - and its cathartic to watch him suffer because of it.

gordons a smart guy. as written, hes gotta be - hes a recent MIT grad, on his way to work at a top-secret research facility to do weird shit with crystals and theoretical physics. but the thing about smart guys is that theyre often......selectively intelligent. we can see this in the way that he has a hard time navigating his surroundings, and needs the science crew to guide him through it and keep him alive.

this is one of those things that is a natural consequence of somebody going through the game for the first time, but that i am interpreting as “gordon is kind of stupid sometimes”. its uncharitable but its not like he doesnt deserve it. he likes to boss around the crew as if he knows what hes doing, when he often very much does not, and is fond of demeaning their intelligence. hes real bad about this with tommy in particular, treating him like hes a kid whos playing at being a scientist when tommy is actually a decade older than him. all i am saying is that gordon ought to stay humble. hes awful cocky when he perceives himself as better than others.

which, i think, tracks with how cocky he gets when he gives up on the whole “well-meaning citizen” thing and just unloads bullets into people. he puts up a front of being a Nice Guy, you know, just some dude caught in a bad situation who doesnt like seeing his companions obliterate every NPC they come across, but that doesnt stop him from cackling like a fucking madman and mowing down aliens (and soldiers) every once in awhile. when he stops seeing himself as helpless and starts seeing himself as the one in control, the gloves come off. he gets mean. and i think thats very sexy of him

this, among other things, is why i am insistent that gordon freeman is a control freak. he desperately wants to be in control of the situation at all times, shepherding around the science crew primarily by bitching at them, but its of limited success. its futile. sisyphean. tommy, coomer, bubby, and benrey exist almost to torment him with exactly the thing that would make him suffer the most: a gaggle of people running around causing problems for him, but he cant go anywhere without them b/c hes reliant on them to make it out alive.

its perpetual suffering, and its cathartic to watch. and funny, too. and if youre a little weirdo like me, its very, very enjoyable. how twisted up he gets when nobodys listening to him! how sweaty and frazzled he must look. its cute, and it also makes me want to reach through the screen and shake him and tell him to just be a little nicer. he wants control but he doesnt know how to attain it, he doesnt know how to play nice like a real leader. i think its a neat contrast to gordon freeman as we know him in HL2, where he literally is the leader of the resistance and has to live up to it. this is gordon freeman but if he was moe through helplessness.

“helpless” is, i think, a great way to describe him. a core bit of imagery in half life is this sense of railroadedness and helplessness, with gordon freeman being put into play like a chess piece and having no choice but to move forward. and this iteration of gordon leans into that by being totally dependent on the science crew in order to make progress and Not Die. and hes also subject to the whims of benrey, local eldritch weirdo who has basically made it his life mission to fuck with gordon.

gordons anxieties dont help with that. if he wasnt so fun to stress out and fuck with, the science crew probably wouldnt do it so much! too bad for him that they like fucking with him so much that he was driven into a panic attack (multiple times, even, depending on your interpretation). hes got that real neurotic mindset. always worrying about shit that could go wrong, and attempting to exert control over his surroundings in an effort to control the anxiety.

IMO the real way to nail the Neurotic Gordon Freeman Experience is to combine the ever-present anxiety with his pervasive sense of self-loathing. he openly states that he has no friends and nobody seems to like him, and to that, i really gotta say, i wonder why. he doesnt really seem to factor in that hes kind of a bitch, and has way too high an estimation of his own intelligence relative to everybody elses. its really one of the worst ways to be: aware that people dont like you, but unaware of exactly why. if he was like, 10% nicer, he probably wouldnt have had half as many issues getting through black mesa, but also, its funny to see him squawking his way through the game. so, you know.

its stuff like that that makes me headcanon him as a dude with low self-esteem in general. convinced that hes not likable, not attractive, out of his element......impostor syndrome, except that theres some truth to it. this is a guy who truly does not realize how good he has it: he really is just an average shitty dude, and yet, somehow, benrey took a shine to him. some poor motherfucker out there actually likes him and wants to suck his dick. thats dedication

also, i keep bringing up “repression” when i talk about gordon. and hopefully, what ive been talking about helps explain why. he has a strong desire to be a regular dude, not just murdering his way through black mesa, but if hes pushed hard enough he leans into it. gets bossy. picks up a cigar off a dead soldier and takes a long drag, before smacking forzen around with a pistol and ordering him around. gordon freeman is a regular, kind of anxious guy who likes competitive swimming and streaming on justin.tv and making anime references, and he is also a guy who takes a filthy pleasure in making a trained soldier his bitch. and i didnt make up any of this shit - this is purestrain canon, baby. this is a guy with problems

to me, this screams the kind of guy who represses a lot of shit b/c he doesnt feel like its morally decent. you run into this guy a lot online: the wokeboy, the online leftist, the guy who spends too much time on social media websites. (like reddit. i think he would actively use reddit and he would never get any appreciable amount of karma but he never stops posting. its sisyphean! cathartic.) from the way he talks about “bootboys”, i think it tracks. he knows about imperialism, he knows about feminism, but at the end of the day hes your average american white dude who struggles with internalizing it.

a lot of those dudes struggle with sex and gender issues. (dont we all.) when youre trying to be a Good Person(tm), you spend a lot of time thinking about your own relationship to sex and kink and all that shit. and i maintain that a too-online dude who buries a lot of his control freak tendencies would also try to bury a lot of weird sexual shit in an attempt to seem Normal and Well-Adjusted and not like a little freak. i justify this by the sheer number of times gordon blurts out weird sex shit as a joke. there are only two outcomes to making that many piss jokes: either youre secretly a piss guy, or you lathe-of-heaven yourself into becoming one. i will stand by this

ive talked a lot about why this dude sucks. now, let me talk to you about what makes gordon so much fun to write. first things first: hes funny! a subjective evaluation, yeah, but both in- and out-of-character, hes aiming to be funny. and being the straight man to everybody else plays into that whole “helplessness” thing.

secondly: underneath it all, there is a good dude under there. gordon worries when his companions get hurt, he tries to clean them off and patch them up, and hes got his lil leftist heart in the right place. you could even read a lot of his bossy, bitchy demeanor as him wanting to make sure everyone gets out okay and doesnt hurt themselves. when it comes to animals and anti-imperialist sentiment, gordons a pretty good guy.

hes the kind of guy who would probably see a dog on the street and get excited and play with it, but would get really prickly about the correct way to put dishes in the dishwasher. control freak tendencies.

finally, subjecting such a miserable, tormented guy to even more psychological anguish is really, really fun. you feel a little bad for him, but he kind of deserves it. so many problems he goes through are purely of his own making, and if gordon would just relax and quit trying to hard to maintain control - of himself, of the people around him - and own up to having Problems and Issues, he would be a happier guy. but thats why its fun to bend him until he breaks. being a little control freak myself, putting gordon freeman thru psychosexual torment is cathartic.

when it comes to writing his thought processes, the fact that he is canonically some kind of psychotic (yes, i am boldly claiming this. suck me) and i am also canonically some kind of psychotic makes it easier to write what i think his thought processes are. i just give him my brain issues of “getting lost in thought” and “overthinking fucking everything”. a touch of paranoia helps. even if i dont explicitly label him as schizophrenic please know that i am writing him as a paranoid little nutcase at all times because, uh, you write what you know.

paranoid. anxious. of the mindset that everyones out to get him (which isnt helpful when everyone is out to get him). repressed and deeply Not Normal but trying so very fucking hard to be normal and well-adjusted. a control freak with sadistic tendencies who also really, really likes getting bullied by his best frenemy. a hapless little nerd who sounds really cute when his voice starts to break from nerves. and, most importantly, a dumb jock. do not ever forget this.

thats gordon freeman, babey. hope that helps

#asky #careposting

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hobbitkiller · 5 years ago

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She-Ra, Supergirl, and Tangled: A Tale of Three Female Relationships: Part 2

*SPOILER WARNING FOR SHE-RA, SUPERGIRL, AND TANGLED: THE SERIES*

For those of you just tuning in, I’m taking a deep dive into 3 female relationships in 3 of my favorite tv shows that all turned into toxic messes at some point. The point of this series of posts is to exam these relationships, where things went wrong, whether there’s a chance for redemption, and what conclusions, if any, we can draw from these relationships about media’s representation of female characters and female relationships.

Oh, and shipping, ‘cause this is tumblr after all...

So, in Part 1 I gave a summary of the female relationships in question in these three shows (Adora and Catra, Kara and Lena, Rapunzel and Cassandra). I also summarized how these relationships began and when they started to go wrong. If you already know that stuff because you love these shows too, you don’t necessarily have to go back and read it, but doing so is always encouraged.

In this installment, I will be exploring 3 themes related to the festering resentment within these relationships: Mother Knows Best, Chosen Ones, and Itty Bitty Boxes. Follow the jump to get started!

PART III: MOTHER KNOWS BEST

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I’ve heard a few people claim that Mother Gothel is not a top tier Disney villain. She doesn’t have the following that characters like Scar or Maleficent have. However, at the same time, I’ve heard many people saying something along the lines of “This is my mother.” There’s something uncomfortably familiar about Mother Gothel in Tangled. I recognized the same putdowns and microaggressions that I used to get from my stepmom in Gothel’s targeted jabs at Rapunzel’s confidence throughout the movie...all done with a smile and “It’s for your own good” attitude.

A lot of media focuses on the relationship between fathers and sons. Mothers in Disney have historically been silent or dead. (Except Perdita. That bitch was awesome).

This, of course, makes it interesting that 5/6 of these characters have verbally (and in some cases physically) abusive, manipulative mother figures. And for Adora and Catra and Rapunzel and Cassandra, that mother figure is the same.

Here are our three abusive mothers:

Shadow Weaver who raised Adora and Catra:

Lillian Luthor who is Lena Luthor’s adoptive mother (and played by the absolute joy to watch that is Brenda Strong):

And, of course, Mother Gothel who kidnapped and raised Rapunzel for most of her life and is the SPOILER biological mother of Cassandra:

There are, of course, good mothers sprinkled in. Rapunzel’s biological mother, Queen Arianna is great once she actually gets lines in the TV show. Lena’s birth mother was also, by all accounts, a very kind and loving person. Kara has two moms, and while both have flaws, both are inherently good people (particularly Eliza Danvers, her adoptive mother).

However, in spite of the presence of some positive examples of motherhood, the relationships between all three of these pairs is heavily influenced by the three narcissistic women above.

All three of these women are dishonest, withhold affection only to give it away as a special treat, and actively manipulate their children. Yet, at the same time, the children can’t help but seek approval. Adora and Catra both feared and desperately sought approval and affection from Shadow Weaver. Lena tries to cut ties with her family, but keeps being drawn back in when Lillian admits pride at her accomplishments or that she does, in fact, care about her. Rapunzel sought affection from Gothel growing up because she was her one human contact, and, when Cassandra learned the truth of who her mother was, Cassandra desperately wanted some validation that the mother who abandoned her loved her on some level.

These mother/daughter relationships scarred 5/6 of our characters (Kara has her own hangups about her mother, but not on the deeply psychologically scarred level as the other five.)

Adora is mockingly called paranoid by Shadow Weaver for understandably thinking the woman who lied to and manipulated her her entire life was up to something. Catra pushes everyone in her life away emotionally for fear of being hurt (only to create a self-fulfilling prophecy when they leave due to her behavior). Lena is constantly scared of being “betrayed” and manipulated. When she’s hurt by Supergirl asking Lena’s boyfriend to snoop on her, she says it was “something my mother would do.” When she and Kara first became friends, Lena was reluctant to do so because of the trust issues from her family (Lex Luthor is obviously also a manipulative, abusive jerk). Even Rapunzel, the embodiment of sunshine, has lingering trust issues. In the Season Three episode “Beginnings” she explains to Eugene that one of the reasons she likes Cassandra is because Rapunzel spent 18 years with someone who lied to her, whereas Cassandra was forthright and said what she was thinking.

Cassandra’s mother issues are a little more complicated. When she was four, Gothel abandoned her in order to kidnap Rapunzel and Cass was adopted by the captain of the guard. Cassandra has deeply repressed this memory by the time we meet her when she’s 22/23. Then, she’s given a glimpse of what life was like with Gothel:

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Early in the series, Cass talks about how her father instilled in her the value of “earning my keep.” It’s clear here, though, that love as a transactional relationship had been instilled in Cassandra early in life: “And when it (love/affection) came, it came with strings.”

This transactional view of relationships is something shared by all 5 members of our “bad moms” squad on at least some level. Adora constantly feels the need to fix things and be useful to her friends. Catra thinks if she just wins enough or is good enough, maybe Shadow Weaver will finally love her. Lena’s approach to relationships largely revolves around buying things for them and trying to unilaterally solve their problems for them without their input. Rapunzel has to go through an entire episode to learn that you can’t buy friendship through doing nice things, and that she doesn’t have to. Cass ties her self-worth deeply to her usefulness to others. They all struggle to find internal validation at times.

The other way mothers play a part in the downfalls of these relationships is the element of competitiveness. This is an issue with Adora and Catra and Rapunzel and Cassandra. As previously stated, both of these couples share a mother figure. And, in both of these couples, there is a deep resentment on the part of the non-golden haired child toward the other. Shadow Weaver did not hide that Adora was her favorite. She frequently praised Adora while berating and abusing Catra even when both had done equally well. Even when Adora abandoned Shadow Weaver and Catra for the rebellion, SW was more concerned with getting Adora back than appreciating the loyalty and accomplishments of Catra.

Mother Gothel literally gave up Cassandra to take Rapunzel.

Both Catra and Cassandra feel completely overshadowed by the blonde in their lives, and part of them can’t help but think that, if only Adora or Rapunzel were out of the way, or had never existed, maybe they would have been chosen as the favored one.

This, of course, brings us to our next topic:

PART IV: CHOSEN ONES

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I’ve never been a big fan of Ron Weasley. I didn’t read the Harry Potter books until I was in my twenties (yes, compared to many of my readers, I’m old), and I think this lead to me being less charmed by his humor or bullying of Hermione than I otherwise might have been. I found his temper aggravating and he is just...the worst...in the sixth book. Like, he purposely starts dating someone to punish Hermione who had already asked him to Slughorn’s party because Ginny pointed out that Hermione had probably kissed the guy she was dating TWO YEARS AGO. No, seriously, read that book again. That’s what happened. Then the seventh book happens and it turns out Dumbledore KNEW Ron was going to ditch the team at some point...

That being said, as I sat down to write this novel-length meta, I found myself thinking about what it’s like to be the support team for the “chosen one.” In the seventh book, Ron could have stayed at home with his pureblood family. He would still be in some danger due to their involvement with the Order of the Phoenix, but it would have been a lot safer than traveling around with “Undesirable No 1.″ Yet, because he loves Harry, he chooses to go on this mission.

In the three pieces of media we’re discussing, 2/3 have literal chosen ones--characters with specific destinies of supernatural origin: Adora and Rapunzel. Kara also largely fits into the trope as someone sent to earth from afar to “save us.” As I somewhat jokingly said in the first part, all three of these pieces of media feature a blond super-powered person who needs to save the world.

Can you imagine what it would be like to be the best friend or “sister” of the person who’s “burdened with glorious purpose”?

On the one hand, it’s constant fear over that person’s safety and wellbeing. On the other, there’s a bit that can’t help but feel resentful. Imagine having a friend that overshadows every accomplishment you’ve ever had seemingly by virtue of just who they are.

Now, of course we know that it’s no easy road being a chosen one. There’s a lot you have to sacrifice, and it usually involves injury, near death, and a boatload of trauma. And the support teams know this. For some, it’s never an issue. But for others...

In She-Ra and the Princesses of Power, Adora, to Catra, always had the presence in her life of a chosen one, even before she got the sword and became She-Ra. Shadow Weaver had sensed something powerful about Adora when she was a baby, and thus treated her as the “Golden Child” to Catra’s “Scapegoat.”

This idea of the “Golden Child (GC)” versus the “Scapegoat (SG)” rolls a bit into this issue with “chosen ones.” In toxic, narcissistic families, parents often hold up one child as the great one while the other is the one to blame for their problems. Think Olga and Helga in Hey Arnold! (Is that reference too dated for some of you guys? Man, I’m old. Also, I remember finally being old enough to realize Helga’s mom was an alcoholic and it blew my mind.) This also usually entails encouraging a level of competitiveness between the siblings.

In some ways, it’s like a “chosen one” is the whole world’s golden child. Anyone who researches this dynamic knows it’s abusive to both the GC and the SG, which is clearly displayed in She-Ra when Adora is stressed by the pressure of expectations and the knowledge that her mistakes will most likely be taken out on Catra. That doesn’t change the fact that Catra resents the positive attention (the adoration if you will) Adora gets--that, no matter what Catra achieves, it will be nothing compared to Adora. This resentment is a big part of what fuels the escalation of their personal conflict leading to one of the saddest pieces of animation since Fry’s dog died sad and alone on Futurama. In the Season 1 episode “Promise.” (This is, by far, the best episode of the series), Catra airs all of her feelings she’d been repressing about what it felt like living in Adora’s shadow--how it made her feel like a “side kick,” something Adora never consciously tried to do and is shocked to discover.

Cassandra on Tangled:The Series has similar feelings about her role in Rapunzel’s life. Not only is her best friend the one with the magic hair and great destiny, but she is also her boss and monarch. Aside from the two songs I included in my last post, “Waiting in the Wings” and “Crossing the Line,” this conflict is best demonstrated early in Season One in the episode “Challenge of the Brave.”

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Cass didn’t suffer abuse in quite the same way Catra did (though Gothel was the worst mom for her first 4 years), but she does feel disrespected and overshadowed by Rapunzel even before learning about Gothel. In “Crossing the Line”--a song many likened to “Let it Go” when they first heard it, Cassandra lays out these feelings further:

There’s a line between the winners and the losers.

There’s a line between the chosen and the rest.

And I’ve done the best I could,

but i’ve always known just where we stood.

Me here with the luckless.

You there with the blessed.

Now, when this song first came out, there were negative reactions from some fans. How could Cassandra call someone who had been kidnapped and locked in a tower with the neglectful and verbally abusive Gothel for 18 years “blessed”? But, from Cassandra’s perspective, Rapunzel still gets everything, power, respect, etc., purely because she was born a princess while Cass has worked incredibly hard her entire life to achieve one goal, becoming a guard, and is constantly denied.

With Lena and Kara in Supergirl, the resentment, again, is mostly between Lena and Supergirl for most of their relationship. Multiple times during the show’s run, Lena has expressed concern about human’s relative helplessness in the face of aliens like Supergirl who have power. This is why Lena sees some of her shadier actions such as making Kryptonite or trying to give humans super powers as justified. She doesn’t go to the extreme levels of hatred that her brother Lex does, but that distrust in those who are naturally more powerful runs throughout the family as does the resentment that aliens have seemingly usurped the leadership role among humanity that should have belonged to the Luthors.

What makes this interesting is that, in most of her relationships, Lena, as a billionaire, is the more privileged and powerful one. This is really best demonstrated in her relationship with James Olsen, whom she orders around as his boss while buying him expensive gifts and going behind his back to fix his legal problems. And for much of their relationship, this is how Lena sees her relationship with Kara. It’s not a manipulative or cruel thing. Lena just sees Kara as her adorkable reporter friend who is hapless in the face of danger.

Then, all of these preconceived notions come crashing down when Lena learns that Kara is Supergirl. Suddenly, she learns that her hapless friend was actually playing her the whole time--that she was stringing Lena along and pretending to be only human.

Lena’s resentment may not be as explicit in this case as Catra’s or Cassandra’s, but it is layered within all of the emotions Lena Luthor is pretending not to have.

This, of course, leads us to our final subject for today.

PART V: “ITTY BITTY BOXES”

I’ve mentioned a few times throughout this novel-length meta the word “repressed.” Catra, Lena, and Cassandra are not good at expressing their emotions in a healthy manner. Much of this can be blamed on the aforementioned mother figures and the trust and intimacy issues that having narcissistic, abusive parents can lead to.

Narcissistic parents often place the burden of maintaining the emotional wellbeing of the family on the children. It is your job as the child to make sure they don’t get upset. It is you who has to keep the cool head and maintain the facade of positivity. Parents like Shadow Weaver, Lillian Luther, and Mother Gothel do not see it as their responsibility to help their children regulate emotion or address it. To them, “negative emotions” are character flaws.

Of course, anyone who’s watched Inside Out knows that emotions aren’t inherently good or bad and feeling, addressing, and understanding them are vital to good mental health.

Too bad Inside Out wasn’t there for Catra, Lena, or Cassandra growing up.

Instead, each of these characters has learned to bottle up and hide emotions like sadness, fear, hurt, and true, deep anger. Lena even outlines her approach to such feelings when helping Brainy, an alien who is basically like an organic computer, solve a problem:

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I was not the only person that was reminded of this gem after that scene:

Putting emotions away in an imaginary box is a real technique for keeping yourself from becoming overwhelmed in a situation where you need to focus. However, “forgetting the box existed” is not the appropriate use of the boxes. They need to be opened, and the feelings addressed.

Catra is interesting, because in some ways she’s very vocal about her frustration and anger. Yet, that surface level frustration manifests in yelling at her friends and subordinates over their job performance or just being a general jerk. It’s not an expression of her true, deep feelings. Catra doesn’t let anyone see the deep levels of hurt she feels when Shadow Weaver manipulates her to join Adora. Instead, she just almost destroys the world...as you do. Season 4 in particular features a Catra who is more mean to her friends than ever before, yet she is still repressing so much of her true feelings to the point of mental and emotional collapse.

Cassandra also struggles to express her feelings, particularly to Rapunzel. Part of it might be because Rapunzel is her princess, and it’s not Cassandra’s place, but it’s also something she struggles with in general:

The above line occurs in an episode where Rapunzel knows Cassandra is mad at her and keeps pushing her to share her feelings. As we can see, Cass is not a big fan of that. Even though they talk at the end of the episode, it’s clear that there are still some hurt feelings on Cassandra’s side that she doesn’t express until she has electric blue hair and is singing a rock ballad about “Crossing the Line.” This is also fascinating because, as previously stated, one of the reasons Rapunzel likes Cassandra is her honesty. But, like with Catra, Cassandra can be honest about surface level annoyances, but intensely represses anything deeper.

All three of these characters let their emotions fester until they become deadly infections that poison their relationships, not just with their best friends, but with everyone. Many of these relationships could have been diverted from their dark paths if there had been more honest and open communication both between the characters and internally. If Lena acknowledged the real reasons why she was hurt when learning Kara was Supergirl, if Catra had been honest about feeling overshadowed and pitied by Adora, if Cassandra had expressed the pain she was feeling in her relationship with Rapunzel, things could have been different. Instead, those feelings have turned toxic.

NEXT TIME IN THE NEVER-ENDING ANALYSIS:

Blond Bulldozers

I Don’t Care (I ship it)

Just going to do 2, because 3 subjects were a bit much.

Hope to see you there.

#she ra #spop #adora #catradora #catra #shadow weaver #supergirl #supercorp #kara danvers #lena luthor #lillian luthor #tangled the series #rapunzel's tangled adventure #rapunzel #tts cassandra #cassunzel

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iwillgiveyoumyhappiness · 5 years ago

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김재현, Kim Jaehyun

anonymous asked:

I love it when I catch you looking at me then you smile and look away paired with Kim jaehyun ( nflying )

Group: N.Flying (엔플라잉)

Member: Jaehyun

After a long day at work, three weeks of poorly repressed stress, and leaving the house late and on the brink of an argument with your fiancé, what you expected was a cold, empty house with a lonely, regretful feeling.

What you got, however, was said fiancé—the one and only Kim Jaehyun—waiting anxiously by the door for you, biting his nails while he leaned against the wall outside your apartment.

You furrowed your brows. “Did you get locked out, or—?” you started, already reaching for your keys.

He held up a hand. “Before you say anything!” he said quickly, cutting you off. He dug around in his pocket, pulling out a lavender envelope with cute stickers plastered all over it, sealed with a heart blowing a kiss. “Please read this.”

He looked almost a little shy, handing over the folded paper; a massive change from his usual bubbly personality. You couldn’t help but think you must’ve really hurt him this morning.

You’d grumbled a lot of things you didn’t mean and you wouldn’t liked to apologize to him for it, but you knew he wouldn’t let you until you’d read whatever was in the envelope.

You pried the flap open with your thumb, your palms getting a little sweaty.

Inside, there was a letter. You felt silly for getting so nervous, as most envelopes contained letters, but things that had to do with Jaehyun always made your heart flutter, so you supposed it wasn’t that odd.

You gave him a look before he urged you to read it. You sighed, going straight into it.

“Hey, sweetheart,

it read.

Maybe you don’t want me to call you that right now, and that’s okay. I didn’t say it out loud, so I hope you can forgive me. I think you must be working pretty hard. You look tired.”

Instinctively, you went to rub your under-eyes, positive that there must’ve been dark-circles there, maybe some wrinkles tossed in.

You heard him stifle a laugh. You looked up at him, but he just gestured for you to keep reading, trying to force his smile back down and swallow his addictive chuckles.

“Knew you’d do that.”

You rolled your eyes at his cheekiness that he managed to sneak in, even in writing.

“I just wanna let you know, if you were lashing out because you’re really stressed or something, I understand. I don’t blame you. If it’s because of me, I also don’t blame you. In that situation, I would only blame myself.”

You wanted to rip up the paper and tell him that it wasn’t him at all, but you kept on reading. That small bit of pride that kept pulsating in your stomach forced you not to forgive him so easily, even though he totally deserved it.

It wasn’t his fault that you argued that morning, and you didn’t want him to feel like that. Yet, the mean part of you did. The selfish part. How you wished you could murder that bit of yourself.

“Now, I know that you’ll forever chastise me, saying: ‘Honeyed words don’t fix everything!’, but I think I’ll test my limits, if that’s okay with you. That’s why I have compiled a short list of ten things that make me fall head-over-heels for you all over again, every single day. Ten is really isn’t enough, but I wanted to keep it short so if you forgive me, I can hug you sooner than if I wrote down ALL of the reasons.”

You almost chuckled, but you decided to keep it to yourself.

It was a nice atmosphere for silence, a warm spring breeze blowing gently at your back and ruffling your hair. You could feel how desperately he wanted to push that hair gently out of your face, behind your ear, but he refrained.

You appreciated that.

“Reason #1: Your sleepy face in the morning

It’s super freakin’ cute, and you don’t even notice it. In the mirror, I sometimes watch you while you’re brushing your teeth (not creepy, I swear), and you always look like you’re about to fall back asleep. It makes me want to protect you forever and ever, like a weird, tired burrito.

Reason #2: Your unique sense of humor

It’s not that you’re not funny, really! It’s just that- you’re such an original, sometimes I need you to explain the genius that goes on within your brain. (Please don’t hit me. T-T)”

You smiled at that last bit.

“Reason #3: Your courage

You’re literally the strongest person I’ve ever met, and I’m not just saying that to be cheesy. Remember when your family was going through that tough time, or when they totally didn’t approve of me? Lots of people would’ve just taken their opportunity to walk away from that, but you didn’t. Even though it was hard, you stuck around and you worked it out until the very end. I think that makes you really gorgeous, sweetheart. Probably why I asked you to marry me.

Reason #4: The way you kiss my fingertips

I’ve gotta say, I thought it was really weird when you first did it, but as time passed, it became one of my favorite things. I craved it, and when I didn’t get it, I threw an internal hissy-fit. Like- GIVE ME MY FINGER KISSES, WOMAN. It’s really special and I feel like it’s only for you and me, so I should treasure it more.

Reason #5: You drove me to the ER at 3 AM

You remember that, right? It was before we were even dating! I confessed to you in the car while I was dizzy and almost passing out, but luckily, after I woke up in a hospital bed, strapped up with wires and IVs, I still remembered. And you did, too. You accepted me. Thank you for accepting my weird, unromantic confession. It means a lot.

Reason #6: Making my birthday special every year

You never fail to surprise me with something awesome and thoughtful. It makes me feel like someone truly pays attention to the things I say. The things I like, the things I don’t, and the things that slip out of my mouth when I’m not paying attention. I swear, you know me better than I know myself... I’ve almost cried at so many parties because of you. Do you know how not-manly that is? Speaking of not-manly!

Reason #7: I can sob openly around you

I don’t think you’ve ever judged me, to be honest. I used to think when I first started dating you, ‘Be a shoulder for her to lean on. Don’t crumble and be the pants of the relationship’. Turns out, I was more like the socks. You’re always there for me when I’m not doing well. You force me to eat when I get too skinny, you make me sleep when I’m overworking, and you assure me that it’s okay to cry around you. It’s because of you that I’ve become a crybaby. Sad movie? The tears are coming out. Happy ending? Oh my gosh! I’m so relieved! I better cry. Bad day? It’s okay to let it out, ‘cause I know you’re here to comfort me and make me feel less emasculated.

Reason #8: How much you believe in me

Even when I don’t believe in myself, you tell me how well I’m doing or how much you think I’ve improved, or even how much you love it when I do the most trivial of tasks. You think me folding the laundry and putting it away for you is the coolest thing on the planet, and that makes me want to do it more often, ‘cause you make me feel like a superhero. Your superhero, so it’s even more special.

Reason #9: Your beauty

And I’m not talking about that outward stuff (though... you have that too), I’m talking about what’s on the inside. It’s your soul. It’s your happy heart that’s sometimes a little blue, but it always perks up again. It’s your intriguing mind and thoughts, and it’s your individual charm that no one else could ever hope to live up to. It’s your passion for your dreams, it’s your patience for mine, it’s your generosity, and it’s your wisdom. It’s everything that is you, and it’s beautiful.

Reason #10: When I catch you looking at me then you smile and look away~

This is probably the most important and meaningful thing to me, weirdly enough. It makes me feel like you love me as much as I love you. It feels like you have me on your mind and you can’t help but seek me out. It feels like you care about me to the extent that you’re just like, ‘Huh... Where’s Jaehyun?’, and then when you find me, you smile. Not because I smile at you and you return it, but just because I make you smile. At least, I think I do. It hurts my heart in a really good way. You look so shy, yet confident, and you make me feel adored. I don’t deserve you, I don’t think. Probably never will, but I’m still so glad that you put up with me.

So! With all that being said, do you still wanna marry me? ‘Cause I still love you, sweetheart.”

What a strange, curious thing. You were crying.

Tears were slipping down your cheeks, chin and nose, all soaking the paper and making it crinkly and weak. You started choking back sobs.

Jaehyun heard you—of course—but he still didn’t overstep the boundaries. He waited for your green-light, looking at you with those concerned puppy-eyes.

“Oh, for goodness sake,” you coughed out, rolling your teary eyes. You sniffled loudly and wiped your nose with your sleeve. You held your arms out widely, dropping the paper and envelope to the ground. “Hug me already!”

Within seconds, he came rushing over to you, picking you up and wrapping your legs around his waist. He always held you like this; not to prove how strong he was, just to have you close as possible.

“You still like me?” he asked softly, muffled by your collarbone.

You shook your head, leaning forward. “Nope,” you said. You pushed his bangs up, kissing his forehead. “I still love you.”

Don’t ask me why I chose this gif, please. I felt like it. Accept it as that.

Thanks for the request! It was a lot of fun. ^-^ Very cute, much sweetness, and it was fun to try and work in the concept! Thanks again, and feel free to stop by any time!

I hope you enjoyed it; have a good day/afternoon/evening.

#for anon #kim jaehyun #n.flying jaehyun #n.flying #kpop #kpop scenarios #kpop imagines #kpop fluff #kpop angst #request #reaction #requested #this is really cute

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impossiblerebelblaze · 6 years ago

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“So, kid, what’s your thing?”

“I can convince things to let me do impossible things.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“It’s complicated. Find the most frustrating thing to lift and I’ll pick it up.”

Everyone’s standing around me. I hope this works, Ive never tried it with anything like this before. Just talk.

“So normally, I doubt a weak dumbass guy like me would be worthy, right?” I ignore the fact that everyone seems to be agreeing. “Let’s try.”

I know it won’t move. I just need contact before I actually try. I grab Mjölnir’s handle, and tug as hard as I can. It doesn’t budge. But my mind goes into overdrive. I probe into its material fabric. Let me just lift you. I don’t want to fight. I will not use you to fight.

I almost jump out of my skin when I get a reply. “But you are not worthy.” Think think think think think think. Think faster.

“So, as you can see, I can’t lift it..” I hold up my other hand. “But, I should be able to have a chat and have it let me pick it up. That’s all I want to do is pick you up once.

“Not worthy.” I know. But I submit to your overwhelming power, my dear. I do not ask to borrow your strength. I do not ask for any of the glory or ability. How long has it been since someone spoke with you? “Too long. I am impressed you are able, for one so weak.” Thank you, my dear. I am not worthy, but I am interesting. “Interesting enough, one may suppose.”

The handle wobbles. Everyone else falls silent.

You will not regret me. “May we speak again sometime?” You can count on it, my dear.

The astounding weight pulls away, and I hide my own astonishment as i see the gap between the hammer and the floor widen. It’s still heavy, but I have it. Mjölnir is in my hand, off the ground. The room is dead silent. Thank you. I slowly turn to look everyone in the eyes.

“I told you so. I’m not worthy, but I’m holding it.”

“How are you doing that..?” Thor mumbles.

“It’s your hammer, I thought you’d have known everything about it,” I state with a wink. “Maybe I’ll let you in on my secret later.”

“Okay, if he can lift that thing without destroying my floor, he must be something special.

There’s a knock at my door. “‘Sup?”

The door swings open, and Thor peeks in. “Is it a good time to speak with you?”

“Eh, sure. Curious about how I lifted your hammer?”

“I am. For I’m certain that you aren’t worthy, and you wouldn’t have enough strength to lift it otherwise.”

“Come sit down dude! I’d love to chat about this.” He reluctantly agrees, sitting with me on my bed.

“So. Mjölnir. Something impossible to lift if it deems you unworthy. Yet I did just that. Do you have any guesses?”

He scrunches his brow, thinking. “You did mention having a ‘chat’. Did that have something to do with it?”

“Exactly. You’re the only one to have picked up on that so far.” He smiles. “Did you know that Mjölnir can talk?”

“No, I didn’t.” He pauses. “It can talk?”

“Oh yes. It surprised me, normally I just talk at things and they obey. Your hammer gave me a good scare, I thought my trick wasn’t gonna work.”

“So you.. made a deal? A bargain of some sort?”

I shrug. “Basically. I told it that I knew I wasn’t worthy, that all I wanted to do was pick it up. I wouldn’t be able to fight with it, nor would I have access to any of its abilities. But I can lift it. Maybe if I had the right leverage or reasoning, I’d be able to do more.”

“That is truly remarkable. Can you do the same with living beings?”

“Oh, absolutely. Gotten myself out of trouble a fair few times with my shtick.”

“Can you show me?”

“I mean I guess I could. But there’s nothing that’s quite as set in stone as your hammer.”

“I never said you had to tell me to do something.”

A slow grin crosses my face. “Oh, I see. Who should we get?”

“You and my brother are rather similar. I’d like to bet on that,” he laughs, but when he sees my expression, recovers with a “I’d put my money on you of course.”

“Dude, im just a skinny little human.”

“But Loki never bent Mjölnir’s will to his own.”

“I don’t want to be a part of your silly game.”

“Brother, please. You’ve looked so miserable recently.”

“I’m not miserable, I’m just surrounded by.. you all.”

“But there’s a new one of us you may like to meet.”

“I doubt it.”

“He’s got a rather remarkable story already, and he’s only been here for three days.”

Loki drops his book with a definitive glower. “Oh good, do pray tell me about the antics of a child.”

“He lifted Mjölnir, is that interesting enough?”

Loki pauses.

“He’s unworthy.”

I peek around the corner, grinning irritatingly. “I’m unworthy!”

Loki picks up his book again, facing away from us. “Changed my mind, I’m still not interested.”

“You don’t even want to meet me?”

“No.”

I stroll over next to Thor. “So that’s really your brother, huh?”

“Yes, he is.”

“I really thought he’d have been more interested. Someone who can talk their way out of more situations than he can? Oh well.”

“I know what you’re doing.”

“Nah, that would mean you’re paying attention.”

“So what if I’m paying attention to the two idiots behind me? You’re both too loud to ignore.”

“If I dropped your hammer on him, would it shut him up?”

“Yes it would, I’ve done it before. Very effective. Want to try?”

“Kinda.”

“Here you go, tiny man.”

I grunt. It’s heavy.

“Hold me up so I can get the most irritating angle.”

He grabs me by the waist and hoists me up with one arm. My face is a few inches from the book Loki’s holding up to block his sight of me.

“Hey.”

He doesn’t answer.

“Nice book. I’ve read it. Wanna know who dies?”

Still no answer.

“Do you wanna punch my stupid face in yet?”

“Immensely.”

“He speaks!”

“You won’t, if you keep it up.”

“He threatens!”

He drops his book, smiling at me like a snake. “It’s what I do best.”

“So do you wanna take us up on the offer, or do you wanna put up with us for a few more hours? It’ll be fun, I promise.”

“Define ‘fun’.”

“You get to try and work your magic on me and try to psychologically bend my will to yours.”

He really can’t hide the glint in his eye. “Boundaries?”

“No weapons. Don’t bring your knives and I won’t bring this hammer,” I state, swinging it in front of his face. “Deal?”

His grin is icy. “Deal.”

“Shake on it.”

He grabs my hand, awkwardly because I’m still upside down.

Thor and I wait in the upstairs lobby. He turns to me. “He’s going to bring his knives, you know.”

“Oh, I do.”

“He always brings knives.”

“I know.”

“You’re a human though, aren’t you worried about that?”

“No. I shook his hand. Remember how I had to touch Mjölnir before I lifted it?”

Realization seeps into his expression. “You and Loki truly are similar.”

“Should we have told others that we’re doing this?”

“I did, I figured Tony and Peter would find it humorous.”

“Good. Now I really can’t fail. I hope I’m ready for this.”

“As do I, tiny man.”

“Be careful, Uncle!”

“Hey, are we selling popcorn or something for this?”

“Shut up.”

We stand eye to eye. I’ve had time to process my info and shit. He doesn’t know it.

“You and your particular breed of tiny creatures don’t usually stand a chance against me. You either have an ego larger than my father’s, or you’re incredibly stupid.”

This could be tricky. I’ve never done this with anyone even remotely close to what he is.

“Well, no way to tell until we try. Shake on it?” I stick out my hand. His eyes narrow, but locks hands. I poorly repress a smile.

“Think this is funny?”

“Not in the least. Why, do you?” Think. What do I do?

“Mildly amusing, yes.” Kneel?

“So what are you going to do to me, exactly?” Keeping contact with me is important. You won’t release my hand, not yet.

“Oh, I don’t know yet.” Liar. I see the flicker of motion, his instinct is to grab a knife. He doesn’t want to yet, though. No knife will work, I say they won’t cut my flesh. They won’t hurt me because I say so.

“Your eyes say otherwise. Killing a teammate, naughty.” Bend your knees, I just want to prove this one thing. That’s it, I promise.

“You think you can read me. Quaint. How about a taste of real foresight?” Down. Go down.

His hand darts towards my face, faster than I could dodge. Unarmed, I think in surprise. The instant that there’s contact, my vision goes white. He’s trying to pull something. But instead, I feel a huge surge of foreign power through my veins, followed by a deafening bang. My vision clears just in time to see Loki get flung to the ground. I look around and find that I’m also on the ground.

“Wow,” I mutter, pulling myself to my feet.

“What did you do?” Loki asks, confused as I am.

“I dunno, I just.. did my best, I guess.” I see that he hasn’t moved. “You good?”

“What did you do to me?” He asks again, voice sounding a bit more dangerous.

“I just, did the thing.. here, I’ll help you up, it shouldn’t happen again,” I state, grabbing his arm. Unfreeze? You can stand, I didn’t hurt you. I won’t hurt you, I did what I wanted to.

The second he’s on his feet, I follow the swift arc of his other hand. The wickedly sharp dagger stops a hair’s breadth from my throat. I shouldn’t have too much to worry about, I spoke to them. Hopefully it worked.

A second later, everyone tenses up, realizing what happened. Play the fucking situation.

I release the breath I was holding, blink slowly, and give a wide, nonchalant grin.

“C’mon, no need for that.” I push the blade away with my index finger, frantically telling it to not hurt me, to not cut my flesh. “Really. You’d think I caught you offguard or something.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” His other hand is suddenly holding a twin knife to my stomach. I hope to god that the metal listened.

“What? Are you gonna kill me?”

“I am tempted.”

I can feel everyone panic a bit more.

“Don’t worry guys, he won’t hurt me. He couldn’t. You wanna try? Do it, you might not get another chance.”

“He stabs as a warning, do not tempt him!”

“Do it, coward.”

I see the flicker of malice. There’s no real intent, though. Instinct drives his hands forward, with a twist that should’ve left me gutless.

I made the right call. The knives don’t even scratch me. I blink. He’s frozen for the barest moment, and I grab one of his arms. Drop them. Now. You’re out of breath, too.

The blades clatter loudly against the concrete as Loki doubles over, winded.

“What the fuck,” someone breathes. “How the hell,”

I release Loki’s arm, wait a heartbeat, and grin.

“Too bad. Oh well, that was fun!”

@random-rambutan

#rowan speaks #SBDUABHDHA JUST POSTING THIS FOR A FRIEND IM #HSBDHHHHHH #mcu tag #rowan writes #long post

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edelgoth · 5 years ago

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hi, may i have an fe3h pba matchup? the partner part isnt necessary, but if you have someone new in mind im all ears 👍 im bi! ive been told that im always smiling awkwardly and that i sound monotone. im bad at conversations and i clam up easily, so i tend to keep to myself. i do enjoy company and i try to put myself out there, but i find it too tempting to just stick with the few close friends i already have. that being said, i can really get going when my interest is piqued. [1/2] 🍀

im an impulsive dumbass and slow on the uptake (imo), yet i get good grades without too much effort. my sleep schedule is a total mess; without a day routine to keep me in check, i would probably be nocturnal. i like to think that im honest and loyal, and i try to be helpful when i can. i tend to push down my own feelings when my friends need comfort. i like dogs, horror (esp movies and games), drawing, and knitting. thank you and i hope you have a great day! [2/2] 🍀

i know it’d make sense for your admirer to be one of your alternate matchups, but I decided to Shake It Up for the fun of the it! i hope you like this!! it’s the first pba ship i’ve done so askjdfhkfsjhfskjh

partner: we’re keeping it with mercedes because you guys are just so cute and I can’t handle it!!

best friend: caspar!! oh my god you two would be so compatible as friends I’m–

you’re very similar, but you have enough contrast to keep each other on your toes?

it seems like a ‘two sides of the same coin’ sort of deal; you’re both impulsive and a bit slow on the uptake, but you’re the calmer, more grounding force, while caspar is much more the firecracker; he does most of the talking, but he likes your company because you Get Him

i feel like you two would just be constantly getting up to Antics; going back to the impulsive thing, i can imagine one of you running to the other’s dorm at like one in the morning, hissing something like “hey, wanna go climb the roof and see how far we can throw eggs?” through the door, to which the other goes “H E L L Y E A H I D O”

you’re still the arguable brains of this situation, though, the one more likely to go “WAIT” before you go charging into your next “adventure” (let’s just say you’ve saved him a lot of trouble in the past)

caspar is very honest and speaks his mind without really thinking about it, and he wouldn’t take it when you were repressing your own feelings; i can see him dragging you to a nice location and going “just shout it all out! shout! it all! out!” screaming at the top of your lungs turns out to be good catharsis.

you’d just have so much fun together, you know? i stan two (2) impulsive dumbasses

admirer: ashe!! he’d find you So Cute tbh

the things that’d strike him about you would be that you’re honest and loyal, and that you try to be helpful. they’re traits that ashe really appreciates in people and tries to emulate himself

i feel like he’s much more the sort to admire from afar; especially since he thinks you and mercedes are such a charming couple

(that and he finds you and caspar Deeply Intimidating when you’re together; it’s not like you guys mean to be, it’s just that caspar’s Very Protective and ashe is quite used to his brashness)

he wants to be your friend, but he just can’t muster up the courage to talk to you; what’s he supposed to say to you?

he’s still very polite and earnest when he does get to speak to you, and he always curses the blush on his cheeks

and honestly bless his little soul bc despite his own feelings, he’s always rooting for you from afar

#fire emblem matchups #fire emblem matchup #pba matchups #uh idk what these tags should be #caspar matchup #ashe matchup #matchups

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ofthemuses · 6 years ago

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Area 11 Sentence Meme; from all their released albums

All the Lights In The Sky (2013)

i. vectors

One day I will find you I saw that you were lonely too You reached out and you took me I repressed that time Everything that I forgot, I see it clearly can’t you see that you’re losing your mind A shot to the head leaves it all behind I’ll tear you apart Reach out your hands to catch me reach out your hands and you tear me apart But we are simply killing time I wish I’d see inside your mind I wish I’d seen inside you Almost the same, but not enough Never forgiven, but still in love

ii. euhpemia

Memories of fallen dreams and all those that have died. Demons are possessing me. I feel my hate take flight. I'm choking on my own words and I'm scared of backing down the hope within us all is up in flames Twisted by my warring conscience. The situation's pushing onwards. This can't be, was this me? I think I've lost control. I caused this, I forced this, Can I continue on? I caused this, I forced this, I caused this! Betrayed by trust, forever left to scream. Oh hold me closely and die in my arms, then take this secret with you. I became your puppet master This could fuel The Revolution! This could be my last solution! And all good victories come with a price. Just take my secret with you.

iii. knightmare / frame

What is life but a burden for me? All this anger, burning inside but buried deep One step forward and two to the side, every single time I fall asleep and I feel I'm falling Nightmare comes without warning I can't seem to sleep In my dreams I feel I'm running towards her/his shining light She/he shines for me Just like glass I saw right through Something I couldn't see until I changed my point of view I cannot let you go inside of me, the will to change the world Can a mask be the face of reason? You will answer, to the pieces left behind Well I watched her/him die in your arms Freed but they'll never understand

iv. tokyo house party

I know that this will never work out So it shouldn't even start Cause I'm just a kid at heart And you know that it's such a waste Cause I hate that bitter taste and your bittersweet embrace I feel this has gone to my head I'll never drink again But fuck it, I don't care I don't know what you came here for This is where we are from (The town where nothing goes on) Waiting for our own special moment to die I got lost to find myself I wanna be with you tonight Cause everything's gone; it's been wiped out I feel a change in the pace I know I should run and I should fight But the look in your eyes: I could die here tonight Fear of failure, we're moving so slow

v. shi no barado

I saw your face in the LED's It's something that I can never repay, but I will try anyway. I sent a message I know you'd see Now fate led you down a path to me You're all I ever wanted you can use me, you can kill me My body will be a fortress I will keep you safe from pain My losses are your gains Together we can burn this to the ground, rebuild it into something right I'm not afraid and I'm not alone because you're with me in my dreams I won't give up on this perfect love

vi. cassandra pt. 2

Although it doesn't really matter now You use me, and I use you I'm your savior, you're my muse The best friend that you been to me but I wanna be your enemy You want a reaction You wear a red dress when you're in a bullfight You're drawing attention to your double life In dreams, I'm coming to find you and when I wake I want anyone else. 'Cause I don't love you, It's what I'm telling myself I’m hiding from you, ‘cause we are the same Wait, just wait for me and I'll come around My best friend that I've never seen That's turned you into my enemy No, it's all in my mind I feel I should save myself before this gets too real

vii. the strays

I'd still cheer for you ten years down the line Time stepped away from me Stray from this boring dream What must it be like with your world alight? How could I stay here and rust when I'm set to explode? You can outrun everything but the debts that you owe I'm numb from the distance If it's just the bored asking this kind of thing, where do we fit in? Take what you want from it We're the last ones left Get the others and cut to the next Scene To be truly free Freedom comes not from, but through me Do you remember when the stars were much higher? You would try to count them all But you grew tired - tired - tired

viii. dreams & reality

Dreams... are realities. You mean so much to me I can't forget the way, the choice that we made that day. Is it worth the risk that we take? Waiting and hoping from the side-lines But this is our moment, it's our chance to shine. 'Cause this feels better than the best thing 'Cause we are stronger than anything We've grown from all the things we've been through, And they couldn't break us if they wanted to. Your smile is brighter than the lights in the skies wont you tell me what is real? Lets write our names in history, Let's make these dreams reality,

ix. heaven-piercing giga drill

you came and dug me up into a world full of violence. So many faces, so many trials. They won't stop our evolution. Who do you think we are? Fight against your execution. Trust me and we'll fly, not fall. Tip the balance to risk it all. Together we can go so far. All the lights in the sky are stars. It follows everywhere I go. It carries the hope of humanity, and everything we know. Believe in me, who believes in you.

x. bōsōzoku symphonic

There's three parts to love, or so I believe. There's a part of you you lose, and another you receive. Here I break with the concept, though it's central to the piece. Leave my mark on the canvas, that only you can see. I deferred my happiness, for loneliness and time. But once I'm where I wanna be, you'll be far behind. And the chains that pull me down, slacken off when you're around. And it's comforting to know I'll rip out all the hooks from my skin so I can grow. Sometimes I disagreed, just to hear you scream. You were right, but I needed you to give emotion back to me. I'm not leaving you, I'm not leaving you!

Underline (2014)

i. are you listening?

All aboard this sinking ship No business here it's just relationships Should this mean more to me? Just join the tribe and feel accepted But cool don't come for free The rope that pulled me from the pit now hangs around my neck Is this the clue you wanted? Too cryptic for the rest Play the part of the victim if it puts your mind at ease Put all the blame on me So what you feel, is it nostalgia or love? Tell me now, are you really listening? When everybody tells you to stop, and that you’re never good enough; tell me now, are you really listening? Reach out for help, and she lets you down So gild your pockets, we'll watch you drown Cause this means more to me It's hard when all I see Now we take control We fade into hindsight Can this be realized?

ii. in the blind

I redesign, I realign. I redefine, and yet resign. My only hope: to feel. And when I phased out the "privileged" and the "purpose" I realized that art can never true be separated That should define who I will never be. Sorry. Cause this is the new way Still spinning cycles in my mind Hold me back and keep me down! Drop the weights, accept my fate, and trigger the explosion. Now keep the faith as illusions break and we'll show you something real. And when I reach out into event horizons will there be light and sound, or will it be just me?

iii. override (a)

Willing and wishing to break This won't be over so soon You'll claw yourself out of the womb Are you willing to die? To be born in the spotlight? I won't let you drown Are you willing to die? To be something? We patiently wait your return Rejecting your pitiful life You'll crawl on your hands and your knees You'll feast on the fear you receive And here in the alter you'll give your life for a reason to live Are you ready to die? Are you ready to die? To be more than they say you are? You'll be a mistake The child of the void and the ghost in the tape Can the ego you've sculpted endure the escape? I am willing tonight. I am willing to die to be something; trigger the override

Modern Synthesis (2016)

i. override [C]

Lay the new foundations; reprise Strange are the things that will come around Return to the question, I'm willing to die If this is real and this is anticipation Know it in your mind, hear it once and now you bear the load Are you ready for life? Make a stand in afterglow

ii. the contract

You’ve spent a lifetime locked in the same mindset You break the contract, and smile away your debt I play for closure, through the fear and the thrill of the fight Move a little bit closer, ‘cause you’re in for a jagged night I close my eyes; a toxic calling Just let it resonate, we call it suffering We know just who to trust this time I want you to give me what I need Lay waste to your beliefs, rebuild yourself for me I want you to come alive again I feign obsession, and abbreviate my views You're my possession, until I'm done with you I want you to feel as I feel I want you; submit yourself to me Your body and your mind; give it willingly Just sign the contract

iii. watchmaker

Serve or break the patterns that would be Middle child of eternity The creeping vines of anomie I never wanted to believe I never asked if I could stay Switch the pressures you relieve Sketching parallels to understand why I can't share your love I’m only building what I meant to do so many lives ago

iv. versus

I dream of it; am I a psycho? Watching you burn nothing else feels this perfect to me “Hands in the air”; salute or surrender? We adapt, mutilate, replicate and survive But choose a side The truth, the war; the rise, the fall The virus in our heads that infects us all Do you need it once more? Can you remember what it is we’re dying for? (Fighting for?) Little soldier, little girl/boy who used to love this fucking world To love, to despise: such a fine line The hardest strikes always land when hands are tied The virus in our heads infects, manipulates our thoughts

v. processor

I took a chance to fly I want no role in your altercation I feel panic arise as rhetoric voices are feeding back again Blocking out vitriolic accusations: Was I listening? Because I want to be better on the inside I want to be better on the outside I fall asleep in the vestige I once called my home I pray for you, abide with the hopeless Regretting the choice but I can't turn away The modern synthesis compels me to start again I will have my way, I told you, I told you, I told you As I dispersonalise I taste a real life far from the pacifist you believe I exemplify I am the fury, I am hypocrisy The day I take control. The day you'll believe in me The path back home, the path I'll show you The path back home, where you'll wait for me, wait for me

vi. red queen

I said I don't mind, but you've touched a nerve The way you frame it, well, I got all I deserved Breathe deep and comfort the disturbed In the cave you fear what would you find? We played our hands together You lose me in your blood chemistry So we'd better try to match her/his speed Toast to the red queen/king and all she has seen Is it time to drink at your table? We can only wait and watch for so long Where you fall is not where you belong Unify behind false enemies Down other lines we would have been the same Beauty fades but still my charm deceives This night is shared and so we use each other ‘cause misery loves company And so it goes again A wasted day to vie for my affection Soon you'll come undone Can't fake a smile so they draw it on

vii. angel lust

how far did you deviate? The bridge collapsed but you took the stone From the ash an altar raised, you rebuilt your home And cynics they will try to tempt and change our minds We'll keep our faith alive, we'll raise our voices And scream it from our hearts: God loves her/his children we wait to receive a sign and the scraps of truth of what we believe The passion, the pain, our bodies ache, we cry your name

viii. the life of a ghost

Living the life of a ghost, there is no comfort for the mind Some sights we've tried to leave behind Always looking backwards down the road I will retain composure Lost in thoughts of where I am Stay 'til dawn, begin anew? With all honesty I want to be selfless To be human, but I'm beat and I'm worn-though I'm lost tonight I'm an ember, will you take my story? Pull back the curtain and walk towards the truth There is no comfort for the mind

ix. after the flags

Come on son do your country proud! Lead us down to the ocean and wash our hands of campaigns for the self-assured now Fading white in surrender and weary from the beating sun that blinds you Take a hit for catharsis Take a hit for them all After the flags they're selling off the wall I wanna die for a reason I wanna kill for a cause The fall won't kill but it's gonna hurt do you watch just to wince at this? we have been misled Straighten out your fiction As means to ends and ends to meaning guide you After the flags I'm nobody at all If I could reach you with reason You set us up for a fall After the flags you're nobody at all

x. nebula

This is my suffering, stuttering the words As all I can see is you Hey there you lost boy/girl, just look at what they've done to you They've poisoned the well of your mind but you'll make it through I'm falling to the call of you To love just an action, we overplay and overdo But now, there's no one beside me They've fallen behind

xi. panacea and the prelogue

Wait inside we'll talk a while I didn't mean to let the years go by Have we come to terms with the lesson that our fathers learned? Everything goes away I'd follow you, but not this time I'm sorry that I let you down, let you down, a lifetime ago I wanna say to all I leave behind, and to those I'll never find. That I need you to understand, understand, you're not on your own. What you value, is it worth the time? The only melodies that I could ever call mine were friendship and lust Will I feel absolved at the moment when we have it solved? Still it's never enough Lines fade out, but you illuminate the path back home, the path you've shown me

all your friends / new magiks / everybody gets a piece (2018)

i. all your friends

Habits tend to crystallize Did you waste it in the dark? Why were you sure it was real? you let all your friends tell you how to feel The archetypes; the ideal will soon embrace you when you let yourself heal Who are we to cauterise bleeding hearts that synchronise? Did he/she waste you in the dark? Choose your friends just to canonize you, as you let them fantasize

ii. new magiks

I'm watching the mirror crack to face my addiction This all feels a little strange, (A life fearing fiction) I better step outside It's all fine, from the shoreline The weight crushing down my heart, you don't want it, you don't wanna know A head full of dying stars, the shoulders that bear the load The wave crashes down on my heart You don't wanna know My mind's a rogue nation Just look how we weaponise carnal accusation It's all fine, a drop in the skyline Make it hurt Percolate emotion Boys/Girls lost to the ocean drown You were the bright newcomer I fucked you up that summer I didn't know, you let me know my mind is loaded

iii. everybody gets a piece

In time you'll grow, I fucking hope I'm outside looking in at all the time we're putting in Think I know what it means I won't say the right things just to open doors Don't waste your time in the studio I've been told to beg, steal and borrow I'm told it's not the way to go Nobody listens to the radio Everybody gets a piece Did you honestly say it might have been me? But all this while did you think of me, you know All this while, we were pure potential energy, dreaming Don't ask, you'll never get You never asked so you never got nothing Did you get all you wanted from me? You don't ask so you'll never receive Can't lose when you're playing for free

#sentence meme #long post #area 11 #inbox meme #roleplay meme #ask meme #askbox meme

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lostinreality014 · 7 years ago

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Part IV - Bad Dreams & Bedtime Stories

Author’s Notes: Hello beautiful people! Here’s Part IV of the series. I do hope you’re enjoying it. Do you have any favorite moments so far? As always, thank you for all you feedback. The likes, reblogs, and the comments I see in the tags of reblogs warm my heart and mean so much.

Thank you @imagine-that-one-thing and @stylishmuser for being betas to this series and for your suggestions and words of encouragement.

[Catch Up Here]

Part IV

“So it wasn’t really scary when you meets Nana and Papa and Auntie Gem?” Mia asked.

“No, it wasn’t. Not as scary as I thought it was going to be. And I was a bit silly to be scared to meet them.”

“Why?” she asked, tilting her head slightly in curiosity.

“You know how we talk to daddy on the computer when he’s gone and is one stage every night?”

“Uh huh.”

“Well, I’d already talked to Nana, Papa, and Auntie Gem on the computer. So I had already met them kind of.”

“But you was still scared?”

“I was.”

“But why?” I couldn’t help but smile at her trying wrap her almost four year old brain around being scared to meet her grandparents and Aunt.

“Like mumma said a few minutes ago, it’s a bit much for you to understand. But there was I boy I dated before daddy. It wasn’t for very long. But when I met his mumma and daddy, they weren’t very nice to me. They said some mean things to me. So I was worried that Nana, Papa, and Auntie Gem wouldn’t like me even though we talked on the computer.”

“But everybody likes you.” Mia said indignantly.

“In your almost four year old eyes, yes. But you don’t have to worry about any of that. It was a long time ago.”

“Is da other boy your friend still?”

“He is. His name is Daniel. And he’s very nice.”

“Dats good.” she smiled. “Why were his mumma and daddy mean to you?”

“I don’t know,” I said honestly. I knew the basis of their contempt toward me, but that didn’t mean I understood why they treated people the way they did. “I think they were just very protective of him and…”

“What’s that?” she interrupted.

“Protective?”

“Yeah.”

“It means that I would do anything to make sure other people don’t hurt you. If someone said something mean to you, I wouldn’t be happy. Just like you aren’t happy that other people were mean to me.”

“I gots it. I fink,” she lisped before knuckling at her eyes, a clear indication that she was finally getting sleepy.

“Someone’s getting sleepy.” I teased. She sat up and shook her head emphatically.

“I not sleepy! See?!” she widened her eyes dramatically and I muttered an ‘alright’ under my breath. Though I knew it wouldn’t be much longer before she fell asleep. Her green eyes were already glazed over with tiredness.

“Can I play in your closet?” she asked suddenly, sitting up right. I repressed the urge to sigh irritably, knowing it wouldn’t help the situation, and then resigned myself to the fact that I would have to get really firm with her in the next few minutes even if she got upset with me.

“Just for a few minutes.” I said as I got off the bed and helped her down. I walked over to our closet door and opened it for her. “Be careful please,” I scolded gently when she pushed past me.

“Go waits out there.” She told me, pointing towards my bed. I raised an eyebrow at her and she gave me an innocent grin. “Pease, mumma.” I playfully swatted her bum before backing up until he backs of my legs it our bed. Mia waited until I’d sat down before stepping into our closet and closing the door halfway. She knew better than to close it all the way.

As I flopped back down on to our mattress, our king sized bed felt much too large. And it felt even emptier when it was just me. I was very much ready to have Harry back in bed with me. His tours weren’t as long as they used to be now that we had Mia. He’d go out on a leg for four to six or eight weeks at a time rather than four or five months. But it still felt far too long sometimes.

When I’d talked to him on Skype last night, he was at the airport in Sydney waiting to catch their jet back to London. He looked absolutely exhausted, but he had a hard time sitting still. As happy and thrilled as he was that this leg had gone so well, he was also very much ready to be back home. And while I knew he couldn’t wait to get home to see his baby girl, I also knew he was looking forward to Gemma taking her for the weekend so he could have a couple days of quiet to adjust to the time change.

“Mumma, look! I daddy!” I groaned internally before pushing myself up to sitting, only to fall back in laughter. Mia was standing in front of me wearing everything that belonged to her father. She’d pulled on a pair of his ripped black skinnies, the legs trailing far behind her, and one of his vintage band tees, which she’d thrown on over her nightgown. It swallowed her up completely. One of his old beanies was situated on top of her head, her curls sticking out in all directions just like her father’s used to when his hair was longer. And to complete the look, she was wearing a pair of his old Ray Bans.

“Oh, my goodness! You look adorable, Munchkin!” I exclaimed softly, still giggling. It was uncanny how much she looked like Harry in this moment.

“I gonna be just like you and daddy and sing on stage!” She exclaimed, tying to dance around while not tripping over the legs of the skinnies that she was holding up with both hands.

“Can I take a picture of you to send to daddy?” She nodded enthusiastically with an ear to ear smile plastered on her face.

“Can you play daddy?” Mia asked as I crawled up the bed to grab my phone off my bedside table.

“Sure, baby. What song do you want to hear?”

“Beautiful!” she exclaimed. “One we hears when Auntie Lou called.” I scrolled through the playlist on my phone to find the live recording of What Makes You Beautiful Harry had sent me and hit the play button. Mia’s excited squeal filled the room when she heard Harry’s voice and she started dancing around as best she could.

I opened up the video camera on my phone and started recording so I could send a video to Harry along with a couple of photos. Knowing how hard it was for him to be away from Mia for more than a week or two at a time, I knew he’d keep the video on his phone to watch when he was having a particularly hard day being a way from home.

“Okay, munchkin. Stand still for me, please,” I said after I’d stopped recording and switched over to camera mode. After a couple of seconds she stopped dancing and turned around to face me, striking a pose. I tried my best not to giggle while she changed poses and I snapped pictures. She was just too darn cute.

“Dat good, mumma?” She asked as she stopped posing for a moment.

“That’s perfect, munchkin,” I smiled. “Now it’s time to go put daddy’s clothes back where you found them.”

“Okay, mumma.” Once I knew she’d made it back into the closet safely, I pulled up my message thread between myself and Harry, sending him the video clip and a few photos. When the file attachments had gone through, I typed out a message that read,

Look what happens when Munchkin wakes up from a bad dream and doesn’t go back to sleep right away. And if you see Horan before I do, tell him I’m going to smack him the next time I see him. He’s taught our daughter bits of Irish to guilt trip me.

By the time I’d finished typing my message and sending it, Mia had emerged from the closet with a box in her hands.

“What do you have there?” I asked her as she made her way over to me. I studied the box for a moment after she handed it to me, trying to think of what would be in it as she climbed up on the bed before settling down in front of me between my legs.

“Dunno. But it pretty.” I snorted out a laugh as I set the box down in front of us and lifting the lid off of it. Once the lid was gone, I immediately remembered what was stored in the box.

“What’s these?” she asked, tilting her head to look up at me.

“They’re all pictures of me, daddy, and your silly uncles,” I answered with a fond smile, picking up a small handful of photos. The one on top made me smile. It had been at the contestant house the week before the live shows began on xFactor. I flipped through a couple more and barked out a laugh when I came across a photo from one of shows at the O2 arena during the time they’d been filming the This Is Us documentary. We continued flipping through the pictures and stopped when I found a picture of Gemma holding Mia the day after she was born.

“That’s Auntie Gem!”

“Yes it is. Who is she holding?”

“Me!”

“That’s right. You’re just a day old in this picture. That was the very first time Auntie Gem met you.”

“Really?”

“It’s true.”

“I likes sleeping at Auntie Gem’s. She always makes lotsa cookies. Can we makes cookies tomorrow?” she asked, turning her head back to look up at me.

“I don’t know. You’ll have to ask Auntie Gem when she comes to pick you up.”

“We could makes cookies for all of us.”

“Yes you could,” I smiled. “You could make some as a welcome home present for daddy.”

“Yeah!”

“But you’ll have to ask Auntie Gem nicely if you can make cookies,” I reminded her as I flipped through a couple more pictures before pausing. Mia’s attention immediately turned to the photo I’d paused on. It was a picture from my final show in Phantom of the Opera. I’m not sure how he��d done it, but Harry had managed to make it back to London from Japan in time to be there for my closing night. I’d had no idea he was going to be there so it was a complete shock when I walked into my dressing room to find him sitting in my chair at my make up table. And not only was it a special night because he’d managed surprise me, it was a special night because that was the night we’d said ‘I love you’ for the first time.

“When was this?” Mia asked, looking back up at me. “And who are all those people wif you and daddy?”

“That was the night of my last show in Phantom of the Opera. And those are some of my cast mates from the show. That was also the night I told daddy I loved him.”

“It was?” She asked, pushing the box of photos out of the way before crawling out of my lap. I followed her up to the head of the bed and laid down beside her as she rolled about for a few seconds to get comfy.

“It’s true.”

“Can I hear that story?” she asked as she finally settled down, her head resting on my lap.”

“Sure, baby,” I said as I tucked our fleece throw around her.

***Flashback*** We had returned back to my flat around half one, Harry refusing to let me cut out of the cast party early because it was my closing night of my first West End show. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to celebrate with my cast mates and a couple of others who also finished their run alongside me, because I did. It was just that I wanted to spend my time with Harry as well because I knew it would be limited before he had to head off for a short promo tour before the holidays.

Harry fixed us a late night snack and pot of tea while I showered again and changed into my pajamas. And after we’d finished eating, I cleaned up while he took a shower and changed into something comfy. Now we were cuddling on the sofa in my living room so we wouldn’t disturb Aubrey with our late night conversations since our bedroom walls backed up to one another. I was stretched out on top of him, my head resting on his chest. I could feel and hear his heartbeat underneath my ear and it was such a comforting feeling.

“I can’t believe you’re here,” I said softly, still not quite convinced that I wasn’t dreaming.

“Did you really think I’d miss your closing night of your first West End show?” he murmured softly, pressing a kiss to the top of my head and trailing his hands up and down my back soothingly.

“I knew you didn’t want to miss it. But I didn’t think it would be possible since you were coming back from Japan.”

“I wasn’t gonna miss this for the world since I couldn’t be there on your opening night.” I snuggled into him a bit more, pulling the blanket covering us a little tighter to me, my eyes burning with tears. There were so many emotions flowing through me at the moment and it was overwhelming to say the least.

“I’m so glad you made it,” I sniffled. He wrapped his arms around me before shifting us around so that we were laying on our sides facing each other.

“What’s wrong, love?” he asked, his fingers brushing my hair back from my face.

“Nothing really. Just trying to process all the emotions.”

“Talk to me.” When I opened my mouth to tell him we could talk in the morning, he cut me off. “And don’t tell me we can talk after we sleep. We both know that’s not going to happen right now.” I rolled my eyes and shoved him as best I could in our current position.

“I just… I’m sad my time in Phantom is over. It was my first West End show and it’s one of my favorite musicals. I’m gonna miss it. And my cast mates.”

“You currently live with one of your cast mates.” he smirked.

“Not the point.”

“I know,” he smiled. “But you share a bond with them and that will never go away. I know it’s not always easy to keep up with everyone and visit because of scheduling, but it doesn’t mean you won’t ever see them again.”

“Yeah, I know. And I know it’s only been a few hours, but I didn’t think my post show blues would be this intense.”

“I think it’s to be expected after you close out your first West End show. It’ll forever hold a special place in your heart and in your memory. And it’s a show you’ve always loved so it holds even more meaning to you. And you became part of a family. I know it doesn’t seem like it right now cause it’s still so fresh, but the post show blues will ease up over the next few days.”

“I hope so. Cause now I just feel sad and a little bit lost.”

“That’s how I felt after we finished our first tour.”

“Yeah?”

“Mhm.” He hummed, brushing a couple of tears from under my eye. “We were on stage every other night for seven or eight months and then we didn’t go back out on the road again for about six months. Sure we were busy recording and doing promo stuff, but it’s a completely different schedule. And it was our first world tour that we headlined. That in and of itself was special. Adjusting between performing tours and promo tours was hard. Going from eight shows a week to no shows a week is a big change.”

“How do you do it? How do you deal with such a big adjustment?”

“Find ways to keep myself busy. Not too busy tough. I do need a chance to unwind and rest. But it helps to do little things. Writing down ideas for songs. Reading. Watching a film or a TV show. When I’m home, spend time with my family and friends. And you.”

“Dork.” I muttered with a smile. He scoffed playfully before leaning in and kissing my nose. We fell silent, the need to say something not very strong. It was comforting just being here with each other, knowing that we were both going through something similar at the moment even though it was actually quite different.

“I have an audition on Wednesday,” I said softly after a few minutes.

“You do?” I nodded against his shoulder. “For what show?”

“Wicked.”

“That’s amazing, B. Are you auditioning for a specific role?”

“Not really. It’s an open call for ensemble as well as the roles of Elphaba, Glinda, and Nessarose, three of the female leads. Well, Nessarose is more of a supporting lead role. But a lead role none the less.”

“Any one you really want?”

“Elphaba.” my tone made it sound as if I was scared to say it aloud, but I wasn’t. It was a role that resonated with me in many ways, and a role I’ve wanted to play for a few years now.

“That’s the character that becomes the Wicked Witch?” he asked.

“Yeah.”

“That’s not why you want the part though.” it was a statement, not a question.

“No.” I confirmed.

“What is it that draws you to that role?”

“I relate to Elphaba in a lot of ways. I was bullied when I was younger. Picked on because I was smaller than the other kids and quirkier too. And when my dad left, we moved to the village where mum met my step-dad. We became talk of the town so I was an outsider in every sense of the word. Elphaba is very much the same. She’s born with a different color skin. People bullied her and ostracized her constantly. They never got to know her and give her a chance to prove she was just as kind and ‘normal’ as everyone else. Even after she was forced into becoming wicked, she still had a good heart. She found love and in a weird, twisted way, she got a happy ending.”

“I’m sorry you were bullied when you were younger. You didn’t deserve that,” he said softly, reaching up to brush more tears from my cheeks. “And if anyone ever told you you’d never make it, and I suspect they did,” I nodded in confirmation, “you’ve just proved them all wrong. You’re the one that came out on top. And even before you booked Phantom, you were on the xFactor. Making the live shows alone proved every single one of them wrong.”

“I’d be happy if I got any role in Wicked. But I really want Elphaba.”

“If I know my girl, she’s going to land that role,” he smiled.

“You think so?”

“Oh I know. And the performance I saw a few hours ago proves that. You were brilliant tonight,” He whispered, his lips brushing my forehead before he kissed me softly.

“Thank you,” I sniffled.

“Can I tell you something?” he asked, pulling back just enough so we could see each other again.

“Yeah.”

“I know this won’t come across the right way, but as much as I wish you’d been on the show longer, I’m glad you weren’t.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Because you wouldn’t have booked Phantom if you’d stayed on longer. Seeing you on stage tonight, it was so clear that that’s where you belong. You were meant for a West End or Broadway stage. Not on a stage in a different city every other night singing songs someone wrote for you to sing.”

“You really believe that?”

“Yes, I do. You have a one of a kind voice where you can sing in so many different styles, and you connect so well with your audience because of your background in dance and acting. And because of that, I know you’d have a really successful career as a recording artist and touring the world. But I don’t think you’d love it as much as you love what you’re doing right now. I’m really happy you auditioned and made it as far as you did cause we would’t have met otherwise.” More tears slipped down my cheeks as I smiled at him. I thought bout speaking up, but I could tell there was more he wanted to say. He just needed a second to gather his thoughts.

“Seeing you in your element tonight, I’m convinced more than ever that you leaving the show when you did happened at the right time as much as it sucked not to see you. Making it to the live shows was just a little side path you had to take to get where you really wanted to be.” I closed the distance and kissed him softly and in a way I haven’t kissed anyone before.

“I love you.” I whispered before I could stop myself. It’s not exactly how I’d pictured it in my head; telling him I loved him. But the moment felt right. I’d know for a few weeks now that I was in love with him. In fact, I’m pretty I was in love with him on our first date, I just didn’t know it right away.

“I love you, too,” he whispered, brushing the tears from my face for the third time since we’d collapsed onto the sofa in a heap. “And I’m so incredibly proud of you. You’re going smash your audition and get the role you were meant to have. Whether it’s a lead role or an ensemble role. Any show that you’re cast in will be lucky to have you no matter that role you get.”

“Thank you,” I hiccuped. “Thank you for believing in me. And being there for me even when you’re half a world away.”

“Always going to be here for you. Never gonna let you stop chasing your dreams.”

#Harry Styles Blurbs #Harry Styles Fluff #Harry Styles Fan Fic #Harry Styles Imagines #Harry Blurbs #Harry Fluff #Harry Imagines #Dad!Harry #1D Imagines #1D Fan Fic #Fan Fic #My Writing #My Blurbs #Harry #Harry Styles #LostInReality Writing #Bad Dreams and Bedtime Stories

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yourhappypappypatton · 7 years ago

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97 logicality please? Ur awesome at writing BTW

#97: It just… hurtsPairing: Platonic LogicalityWord Count: 1123Warnings: Ex boyfriend, crying, feelingsSummary: the breakup has been hard.. just maybe not on the side you were expecting.

It had been a few weeks since Moving On parts 1 and 2 had been filmed, and things had more or less gone back to normal in the mindscape. Roman and Patton seemed to have gotten over the breakup easier and faster than they would have if Thomas hadn’t summoned them and made them talk over everything. Not that he would ever admit it, but that was a relief to Logan. He didn’t know what the more emotional sides would want- or even need- to hear at times such as that.

Despite not understanding the deep feelings that the others are prone to feeling, Logan had noticed a tightness in his chest and a slight exhaustion within himself throughout the past few days. It was odd. It was almost as if logic had been stripped away from himself in nearly infinitesimal sections. He would not notice that the weight was there, replaced by emotion if he was not as incredibly perceptive as he was.

The most frightening part about this newest development is that Logan cried the other night. Late at night, he felt the tightness swell in his chest, and he finally understood what it meant to have to swallow the lump in your throat. It was fascinating, yes, but it was also overwhelming and he could not stop thinking about Thomas’ ex boyfriend. He was stuck in his room, silent tears rolling down his cheeks, said tears blurring his vision. The happy memories of the relationship and the nights spent together running through his head.

Logan stood from his desk, and walked the short distance to his bed. As silly as it may sound, those few steps felt incredibly long. Logan practically collapsed onto his bed, and hugged a pillow close to his chest. The steady stream of tears turned into something larger as he continued to think over the times that used to be. Soon enough, Logan could think of nothing aside from him. He was attempting to repress his sobs and he pressed his face into the pillow, ignoring the way it made his glasses press into his face. The slight pain from hs glasses frames was nice, it was grounding… and above everything else, he wasn’t sure that he could summon enough energy to take them off. Fascinating. Is this truly the kind of turmoil that Patton has to suffer through every day?

Is this truly the kind of turmoil inside Patton that he decides to bottle up, and hold within himself until it simply becomes too much and he has no choice but to break down? Logan truly wasn’t aware of what strength his fellow side possessed until now… and speaking of his fellow side, Patton was walking up the stairs, humming a simple little tune as he did so. He paused by the logical side’s door, and knocked in a ‘shave and a haircut’ pattern before speaking. “Hey, Lo! I just fixed up some dinner! I was thinking we could just do some simple PB and J tonight, does that sound good to you?” no answer. How peculiar! Logan almost always answered his door. Patton hadn’t even received an affirmative, or even a flippant “One moment, Patton.” Patton furrowed his eyebrows in concern. Maybe a different tactic would be more effective!

“Hey, Lo, if you don’t come quick, Ro might finish off all the strawberry Crofter’s before you can even get a taste of it!” Patton bounced anxiously on his heels as he listened intently… nothing. Patton could feel the smile slip off of his cheeks at the lack of response. Surely, Logan would tell him if something was wrong or if he was taking a nap, right? “Logan? I’m coming in. I’m worried about you.” Patton opened the door, and made a sympathetic whine in the back of his throat as he saw the sight before him.

Logan was facing the door on his side, nose red and running buried in one of his galaxy-pillowcase clad pillows, a steady stream of tears dripping onto the pillow and the comforter below him. Upon seeing Patton, Logan sat up, discarding the pillow as quickly as possible. He sniffed a few times and rubbed his nose harshly before roughly wiping his cheeks free of any tears. He reached underneath his glasses to ensure maximum dryness of face before attempting to speak with Patton. He cleared his throat awkwardly. “Good evening, Patton,” he winced at how dry and gravelly his voice sounded. He could give Virgil a run for his money. “How are you fairing?”

Patton didn’t seem to be falling for it. He knelt down by his bed and took Logan’s trembling hands in his own. Logan was determined not to look into Patton’s eyes, sternly keeping them locked onto his lap. “I.. apologise, Patton. I should have warned you before exposing you to such an-” he paused briefly to find the right words “Emotional display. I shall ensure that it doesn’t happen again.”

Logan could hear Patton sigh, and he couldn’t help but agree. He was disappointed in himself, too. He could see a tear hit the lens of his glasses. “Logan, please look at me.” Logan waited a few moments, took a breath, and then met Patton’s eyes. Instead of finding disgust, and disappointment as he was expecting, Logan found nothing but love and understanding in those brown eyes. “Logan, I want it to happen again. Showing your emotions is healthy.”

Logan nearly snorted. “Weren’t you just hiding your own feelings for our sake.”Patton put a finger to his lips with a soft laugh. “We’re not talking about that right now, Lo.” the emotional side suddenly became serious once more. “I want to know what’s wrong. Please, let me in.”

Logan bit his lip and retracted his hands from Patton’s in order to push his glasses up his nose. It helped ground him in a way. “I was… thinking about the recent breakup Thomas and… all of us had to endure, and suddenly I couldn’t stop it from happening. I began to… to cry, Patton. I could not stop thinking about him, and how happy Thomas was with him, and it just… hurts. I haven’t the slightest clue how to make these feelings go away and how to become myself once more.” Patton had moved beside him on the bed and began to rub his back. “Well, Lo, I think the best thing you can do in this situation is just what I told Thomas. One step in front of the other. Soon enough, you’ll go back to your own smart, logical, rational self, but for now,” Patton paused “Don’t be afraid to feel things. I’ll be here every step of the way with you.”

(A/N) HA! I MADE LOGAN FEEL FEELINGS! remember, even if you’re not comfortable with it yet, feeling your feelings is v v v important. Don’t hide what you’re feeling from others. Also, I hope you don’t mind that I made it platonic. I really can’t see Logicality any other way ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ If you want to send me a prompt, click here!

Taglist taken from LJ’s Editable Taglist Spreadsheet

@emokittenlikesgore@completelyclevername@urtrashhq@too-random-for-me@deathbyvenusftw@ill-interested@just-another-transblog@tree4life25@tsfanart@johnnyboylaurens@ams-parker@staticsanders@panicatthefalloutphanficphandom@allthemetalsoftherainbow@depressed-alone@theroyalramen@hikariyukino@magicmapleleaf @pieces-of-annedrew@saphirestrike@asalwayss@romanssippycup@virgils-anxiety@redundant-statements-for-400@skylagamingfea@clueingforblogs@ladynikitablack@fairly-close@dibleopard@haikyuupaladin@all-these-trees-stealing-mah-o2@migraine-marathon@alextheodd@sandersfanders @pansexual-cat@hanramz-the-fander@anastasialestina@darude-sanderstorm@sanders-sides-shambles @royallyanxious@thestoryofme13@madelynnaa@i-will-physically-fight-you@a-blog-just-for-sanders@trashfireiplier@the-optimism-of-the-ostriches@callboxkat@kurna-kovite@221biotchplease@pattonly-absurd@starry-eyed-haiku-dreamer@pattykrabbies@shygirl4991@musicphanpie-b@superintrovertfangirl@silversunshine2012@lockolocka@nightly_illustrator @makemeaplant@today-only-happens-once@koalaaquabear@catsandrandomness@rose-gold-roman@mockingjaysinger@musicsavedmefromdeath@anachronistic-cat@heythereprincey@dudlebuggs@sanders-trash-4ever@siriuswhiskers@pinkeasteregg@virgilisaneternalmood@multi-fandom-trash-x9000@kirsten-the-freak@thepusheenqueen@artistictaurean@funsizedgremlin@logan-exe@thecrimsoncodex@unknownsandersfan @yourmomsafalsehood@robanilla@dementeddracon@ive-given-up-on-it@v-blue-writer@sassy-in-glasses@hunterjaegerthings��@blazeimagines101@sanders-fam-ily@trashypansexual@toujours-fidele@paxtonlovestea@lowkey-logicality@do-rey-me@hottopicvirge@rptheturk@candiukas@nottodaylogic@ffsas-side-account@shadow-walker-1201@wingless-siren@milomeepit@grey-lysander@fricksonsticks@baileystarsketches@yurai-brokeit@multi-fandom-trash-x9000@ace-of-hufflepuffs @voices-and-stardust@deadinsidebutliving@ocotopushugs@datonerougecookeh@lana–22@kentato-kenart@logically-sided@osnapitzbc@ruuworld@floatyghosty@theworldismysupernova@jughead-is-canonically-aroace@mercythemermaid@etherealweekes@pearls-of-patton@jade-dragon226-fan@mollycassmith@hi-disappointed-im-daughter@ace-v-p-d @acrobaticcatfeline@thomas-must-get-to-sleep@sesame-icecream@dreamerhowelll@fireflightyt@confinespfpersonalknowledge@reba-andthesides@thesilentbluesparrow@angered-turtle@fanatic564@emovirgil@misc-merde@captain-loki-xavier@evilmuffin

#logicality #platonic logicality #patton sanders #logan sanders #platonic relationship #my writing #drabble #prompt #thomas sanders #sanders sides #fander #fanders #sanders sides fandom #thomas sanders fandom #crying

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whiskeyandwildfire · 4 years ago

Text

Diving off the Mackinaw Bridge at 2am

(Please excuse the tardiness of this entry, I hope the content will serve as an explanation. However, first, I hope you will join me for a little afternoon poetry. If you would like, please listen to this track while reading the following poem aloud at a medium pace)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DXvi1-gjI4A&list=PLkLGtfv9wqNKKRIY95QMUZqFwe_cl3orB&index=6

Getting closer to the edge A gust of wind comes off the straights And seems to push and pull you simultaneously.

And if you are the push I am the pull.

Different paths to the same town Square in the middle of nothing Open past nine and closed on Sundays.

And if you are a paddle boat On old Kitchi-Gummi I am a raft floating too far from shore And long past my bedtime.

Crashing waves wake Us at night and no campfire story Or prescription strength anything Will bring us back down before the sun comes up.

And if you are the sun I am the burn that comes later Unexpected, unwanted, and staying for months

Un-welcomed like a cousin from upstate Who borrows and never returns all of your best dress socks.

Or a song overplayed that you change Or try to change before realizing Music’s all the same today And tomorrow, and next week too.

And if you are the oboe concerto Rising and falling like a lost bird in flight I am the sound of a radio played too high

On a passing car swerving to avoid a chipmunk That’s thinking the same thought at that moment As I am, “How the fuck did I get here?”

And where will I be tomorrow, and tomorrow, and next week too?

But if you are mine I am your’s And that’s all there is.

After the push and the pull After the fall After the water wakes And the sun rises The bird takes flight And the song ends.

After tomorrow, and tomorrow.

ENTRY - Part 1

I’m writing this as I sit next to my father, six hours in to an eight hour trip from Michigan to Pennsylvania. He’s only driven a fourth of the way and already seems tired. The road wobbles and waves beneath the car as he changes lanes without signaling. The mirror I’ve reclaimed from my Grandparents house crashes against the wheel well of the back tire. Surely it’s shattered.

We pull off into the closest rest stop to stretch our legs, switch jobs, and check on the cargo.

“Okay son, don’t make me nervous” he says as I adjust the mirrors and seat back from the hunched over locked in position they’re kept in for his short frame. This is also something he comments on when it’s his turn to move them back.

My dad got into a small accident May 4th of 2019 in the car we drive in. I remember the date because it was the day after my 30th birthday. I got the call that he had slid the car into a rock pile about a block from his house. It had been raining and the brakes needed replacing anyway.

The brake pads and rotors had been gone since winter. In Michigan, the road salt eats away at...well, everything. Down to your spirit and definitely through 4 pieces of cheap foam.

The rain on the day of the accident wasn’t any worse than usual, and were it not for the fact that my dad was also drunk when he crashed it probably could have been avoided all together. Honestly though, when I see him sober it’s hard to tell which is better.

All of these mitigating factors aside, as someone who was voted “Worst Driver in High School” there must be some truth to the expressed concern. Three tickets in six months earned me the title and the almost immediate three month suspension of my license backed up the claim. We won’t mention the fact that two of these tickets were thrown out and the only reason that my license was suspended was because no one would listen to what I had to say, in a large part because I didn’t know how to say it. How to defend myself in matters of the law. Looking back, and with his experiences, you would think Dad being in the court room would have helped.

I change lanes and press down on the gas to no avail. The accelerator misses and the engine revs.

“Don’t make me nervous, Son”

You need to know that not only haven’t I driven in the better part of a year, but also that when I do I’m used to driving at least semi new rental cars. Cars with at least basic capability and safety measures.

“This is not a me, problem.” I respond. “You need new brakes. You need a new car” I stop there, he’s already not listening.

The road wobbles. The mirror crashes.

ENTRY - Part 2

I’m in my apartment now. Bags and luggage unpacked, father gone as quickly as possibly; never one for standing still. Mirror scratched, but in tact. Much like everything else. Little scratches that aren’t my stories to tell. Going through boxes that I collected and transported, mostly from my Mom’s. A special deck of cards, a stack of papers from school, and a present perfectly wrapped.

My Grandpa died in 2009. It was a week before my 21st birthday, I remember this because two weeks before he said to me “ If you don’t tell your Grandma I’ll have a beer with you” Of course I had been a pretty regular consumer since I was 15, but I couldn’t stand to break his heart.

Now, yesterday. Over 10 years later. My Grandpa had one last gift to give me. I’m opening it now. The wrapping paper is for a birthday. There’s no words written and no card. There’s a post-it already removed that says my name and that was the same for my brother and sister. I rip open the first layer and the trapped air inside is freed, blown around my entire body by the overhead fan. I can smell him in the wind. This is not just my mind either, I notice bringing the paper closer to my nose. He must have sprayed his Old Spice on the wrappings before sealing it shut. A gift inside a gift. A part of what made him back on the earth if only for a moment. Inside, a toy truck. An army transport of impressive detail. The kind of truck my Grandpa serviced in WW2. The kind of truck he fixed over and over again, under heavy fire, in a foreign country away from his wife so that he could defend all that was coming to him. Fighting for me without even knowing who I am.

Research - Thesis

Carl Jung was a Swiss psychoanalyst who wanted an answer to the question: “Why do seemingly good people do obviously bad things?”

Jung finally devised an answer in the formulation of the shadow self, the dark side – the side that’s hidden from conscious awareness AND the side that’s metaphorically dark.

Jung’s model of the shadow arises from the human subconscious/unconscious.

“Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual’s conscious life, the blacker and denser it is. If an inferiority is conscious, one always has a chance to correct it. Furthermore, it is constantly in contact with other interests, so that it is continually subjected to modifications. But if it is repressed and isolated from consciousness, it never gets corrected.” – Carl Jung, Psychology and Religion

You see…in childhood, we are socialized to behave a certain way, to follow a certain set of rules.

As a child, you know nothing about the world, so it is the responsibility of your caretakers to teach you about the world and its written and unwritten rules. Following these allow us to “fit in” with society and operate as productive citizens and achieve some standard of worldly success. This is the socialization process.

Some of these rules are actually good because they allow a society to function, for many people to enjoy a good standard of living, and lead reasonable lives.

However, “life happens” and many people in Western society (or even the world at large) have not been trained or socialized to face discomforting things that happen in life.

SOURCE

I began this entry with the two contrasting stories to illustrate this point. In my very basic, beginning stages of trying to understand Shadow Work and the Shadow Self that it is important to recognize what behaviors or actions are that of another person, what thoughts or actions are that of you...and more deeply, it is important to recognize what thoughts or actions are yours that cause you discomfort BECAUSE you see them in others.

Example - I don’t like when my father drinks too much because he becomes dismissive and hard to talk to.

Shadow Talk - I don’t like when I drink too much, because of the same reasons.

Example - I don’t like when my father comments on my bad driving that is really the fault of his broken vehicle, which is the result of his poor decisions and lack of accountability.

Shadow Talk - I don’t like when I don’t deal with problems as they arise.

Example - I don’t like that my father can’t communicate with me.

Shadow Talk - I don’t like that I can’t find a way to connect with him.

I also began this entry to illustrate that there are different “gifts” we can receive from people in our lives. Some positive both in the act and the outward appearance of receiving the gift and the actual gift itself, and some negative in appearance, but possibly positive in an unconsidered way. Example, being so uncomfortable and unhappy in a job that you lose interest, get fired, and only months later find your dream job because you were available to apply to it.

Arts Education - Research and updates

I’ve been picking through a report of collected data to help prove efficacy of the Young Playwrights Lab to potential granters, specifically under the new ESSA (Every Single Student Achieves) Act that explicitly details what funding is available, what types of Arts Education programs are eligible, what kind of research or efficacy you must be able to prove, and how much money is available in that section. There are currently 10 different sections of funding. 6 of those require Title III - Title IV level research proof to apply for funding. Here are the definitions from the report.

 Strong evidence (Tier I) comes from study reports that :

Show statistically significant positive

intervention effects on relevant outcomes (without any statistically significant negative effects);

Meet What Works Clearinghouse (WWC) evidence standards without reservations. (What’s this thing?)

Were conducted using a large, multisite sample (i.e., more than 350 students and more than a single school district).

 Moderate evidence (Tier II) comes from study reports that

(a) show statistically significant positive intervention effects on relevant outcomes (without any statistically significant negative effects);

(b) studies that meet WWC evidence standards with reservations;

(c) studies that were conducted using a large, multisite sample (i.e., more than 350 students and more than a single school district). (What’s different between I and II)

 Promising evidence (Tier III) comes from study reports that (a) show statistically significant positive intervention effects on relevant outcomes (without any statistically significant negative effects), and (b) describe correlational studies with statistical controls for selection bias.

 Research-based rationale (Tier IV) evidence comes from study reports that

(a) feature a well specified logic model informed by research or evaluation,

(b) describe interventions that are undergoing additional research regarding their effects

Here is an example from this same report that details an acceptable logic model.

It is my recommendation that for YPL to best take advantage of possible funding opportunities from ESSA that a new logic model should be developed from existing research that is “evidence based” as opposed to “rationale based” (Example, pre and post surveys, attendance statistics of kids participating in YPL, general test scores of those same students V. rationale based research that has more to do with facts we already know but aren’t tracking in the classrooms I.E. Art makes kids happy)

It is also my recommendation that one or more YPL programs for this next school year be chosen as control groups to either follow, or purposefully ignore the current model to test efficacy. Having the contrast to our goal will help illustrate to possible funders the actual impact of the program. This is especially imperative as programs continue online as there might be an opportunity to raise money for a TBD in person set of classes AS WELL as writing for grants to continue the work being done online.

(Thank you for your continued patience and attention during this hefty post)

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ladyimperatcr · 2 years ago

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She didn’t know how to tell him, but whatever it was, it showed up clearly on Kelsey’s face when Papa asked her what was wrong. The two had made an effort to tell one another their concerns and worries, in effort to not bottle it up until it exploded. Her bottle had been simmering and bubbling for some time now. It was hard to hide what she had really been feeling. Even with the gentle comfort of holding his hand, his gentle caress, his soft words wanting to calm her, Lady Superior’s heart pounded in her ears. She didn’t want to tell him, but she knew she had to.

She wanted to bawl right then and there, but she didn’t. Her voice strained though as she tried to make out a reply.

“Y....Yeah, there is,” she squeezed his hand more tightly as she went to sit down with him. She had always worried about crushing him because of her weight, but no, nonsense, she could never. That always consoled her.

As she shifted to get comfortable beside Copia, it was hard to look at him. She knew if she looked at him, the waterworks would explode. A traumatic response: repressing emotions. She never wanted anyone to see her cry, she was called too sensitive. Thus, she never expressed how she felt about things, which was terrible for her mental health, keeping it all in her mind that put the worries, concerns, fears, on loop and would never stop. She knew that by talking to her husband, it would be the best thing. She needed to get this out. It was destroying her from the inside.

A deep breath and a shaky sigh escaped her, feeling the warmth of Papa IV’s form radiating off of him. It’s okay, he’ll understand. He loves you, he would do anything for you. Just tell him.

“I have been trying to keep this hidden since we had started dating.”

Four years. Kelsey had internalized this for four years.

“Sister Imperator,” a lump formed in her throat, trying not to have her voice break, “Had always thought I wasn’t enough for you. I was the complete opposite of the partner she envisioned for you. S-So when you loved me back, she decided to nitpick at everything I am to try and get me to leave. You loved me even though I never became a sibling. You loved me even though I had no ounce of self love in my body. You loved me even though I was the most unconventional in Imperator’s eyes.”

Tears did start to fall down her cheeks, “She has made it clear many times that she thinks I’m not doing enough, that I’m not putting enough effort. You know me, I’ve told you that I’ve been a people pleaser and a hard worker, pushing my own thoughts aside to get things done because others have told me to. Despite not knowing much, I helped in any way possible. I wanted to help you succeed, I always will. I want my found family here, through siblings and ghouls, to thrive. I’ve wanted best interest in everybody but myself.”

She tried so hard not to put her face into his robes, to hide, as the tears kept coming, “She hated that I was promoted without being a sibling, of course she was. She hated that I would be the woman to be by your side. S-So she has done everything possible to try and bring me down.”

Copia knew that Kelsey had major self esteem issues. With Imperator constantly bashing her, and nobody wanting to stand up to her because of her intimidating and powerful nature, Kelsey was stuck.

“She said I was unworthy because I wasn’t a sibling, I wasn’t capable of being a Prime Mover, my choices in what I want in life are wrong, my methods for helping are wrong, everything is wrong...”

And then, the bottle popped. The hand that wasn’t holding her husband’s flew over her eyes and choked out a sob. The woman who cared too much had been broken.

“A-And I started thinking I believe her.”

[ HOLD ] -ladysuperior (touch starved smol)

@ladysuperior

Haunting eyes STRAINED in concentration, fixated on paperwork that creased audibly between gloved fingers ( having to decipher smudged ink that only loosely resembled Latin, made the task all the more TEDIOUS, and Papa’s temples were beginning to throb ). So much done, yet so much shit still left to do... Papa recognized the WARMTH immediately. The shape of the hand so tenderly cradling his own, fingers delicate yet yearning. In turn, a soft smile soothed the worried folds of his face---- a chuckle, so gentle and full of love, echoing from his throat. Papa knew of a few certainties, one being that nothing escaped the fatal grips of time. His life and title here at the ministry, for instance, were FLEETING. It was a truth he still struggled to accept, and in the few moments of clarity that he did, it was with a heavy heart. That is, until he met Her. His beloved. His Lady Superior. The comfort she gave to him, just from her being there ---- this was ETERNAL. He could only hope he did the same for her.

❝ Well, hello to you too, cuore mio. ❞ Well, hello to you too, my heart.

Papa returned the touch with a gentle squeeze, before lifting her hand up to his lips and leaving a painted mark on her fingers. He had long abandoned the documents that now lay scattered on the dark mahogany of his desk---- his other hand reaching for his Lady’s elbow in a delicate caress, as he would often do when urging her to join him on his chair.

❝ You would tell me if something was the matter, yes? ❞ Now, with a degree of worry. ❝ ... Is something the matter? ❞

#// WHOOPS #theanointedone

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theloveablesociopath · 8 years ago

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Silver Silence Part 2

Pairing: Bucky x shy enhanced reader

Summary: Bucky finally finds himself able to live at the compound with the team, but finds it difficult to repress his feelings for his new very shy and gentle teammate.

Word count: 1,259

Warnings: Fluff and slight anst, possible future smut but not in this part. Very shy reader

~BUCKYS POV~

It had been four days since I had moved into the compound, and within that time, I saw no trace of the Avenger’s newest recruit. In fact, the only reason I knew I wasn’t imagining it was because I overheard Natasha arguing with tony about her.

“God damn it tony she’s not a china doll!” Natasha let out an exasperated sigh when tony rolled his eyes at her.

“She might as well be! She broke her hand well punching a sand filled bag Natasha!” Tony yelled back angrily. “Do I even need to bring up what happened the first time you trained her?!”

“For gods sakes Tony she’s trying! And know You’re making it impossible for her to even do that!” Nats eyes narrowed as she pushed past tony and began to storm down the hall nearly knocking me over in the process.

“Yeah well she’ll thank me later for keeping her out of a hospital bed!”

His eyes locked with mine before he to stormed out of the room, leaving me to wonder what on earth was such a big deal.

_____________

On the 5th day of me being at the compound I was sitting on the couch flipping through multiple channels and finding absolutely nothings good. As I surfed the channels, Steve walked in from his afternoon training session and plopped himself down on one of the kitchen bar stools.

“Whatcha up to pal?” he asked, whipping his face down with a towel.

“Trying to find out if this TV has any movies from the 1940s” I replied, slightly embarrassed that I wanted to recap some of my older memories of film.

Steve seemed to think for a moment before he shrugged.

“If you’re looking for old movies you should ask (y/n).” a voice spoke from the hallway as Wanda made her way into the room. “The girls got tons”

“Really? She likes 40s movies?” I asked dumbly.

“She loves them, just the other day I came in to the living room and found her watching ‘arsenic and old lace’ at around 2am” she began getting dishes out of the cabinets, filling a glass with water and turning back to me.

“I love that movie” I smiled.

“So does she” she mentioned, “she’s got at least a dozen on DVD, I’m sure she wouldn’t mind if you borrowed them.”

“Yeah, okay.” I replied sheepishly as I stood up. “Where can I find her?”

She looked up from what she was doing only to shake her head with a smile and a light wavy laugh. “Same place she always stays, her bedroom.” She walked past me to plant herself on the couch. “Floor just above this one, down the hall, last door on the right” she said simply, turning her attention to the TV and picking up the remote.

I nodded my head and hesitantly turned around, heading towards the elevator.

When I arrived at her door, I found myself un able to knock, feeling a sting of fear in my chest. She was already so extremely shy, and I didn’t want to add fear of the winter solider on top of that. So I stood there, ringing my hands against each other and looking down at my feet, and right when I lifted my hand to knock the door lightly creaked open.

I pushed my gaze down lightly to her short frail form outlined by the darkness of the room.

“I felt your presence” she mumbled quietly, looking anywhere but at me.

“Oh” I cleared my throat and then began to feel my knees grow slightly weak when I looked back to see her beautifully made (e/c) staring up at me. “I- um... Wanda said you possibly had some old movies I could maybe borrow?”

She let her gaze shift around before she gave the slightest nod of her head and opened the door fully to let me in.

I gave a polite nod of my head and entered; watching as she skittishly shuffled over to a bookshelf and stood on her toes to reach a couple of movies on the top shelf.

Seeing her struggle I decided it best to be a gentlemen and help her reach them, so I walked over near her and laid a hand on her shoulder.

Next thing I know by body is being sent back to the other end of the room as my back collides with the floor. I grunt as I lift my body up, only to see her looking at me as her hands are clasped around her mouth and her eyes spread wide in horror.

“I-I I’m s-sorry” she stutters as she lowers her hands, and I rise to my feet cautiously. “You frightened me”

“Its alight it isn’t your fault” I replied as I gave my best attempt at a smile, hoping it looked as gentle as I wanted it to be.

She said nothing else just shook her head with a frown and looked down at the cases of movies that she had dropped. She picked up the four from the floor and handed them to me, looking painfully guilty as she did so. I took them with a kind smile and breathed a gentle thank you to her. She merely nodded in return.

I began to make my way out, observing she wasn’t one for company, but I stopped myself as my mind bobbled a question iv been itching to ask.

“(y/n)?” I asked softly.

She turned her head from the floor to me and tipped it to the side slightly, waiting my continuation.

“Why won’t tony let you train?” I tried to come off as gentle and as concerned as possibly, not wanting her to feel obligated to tell me, but still wanting just as much of a response.

She looked back down at her feet again; it seemed to be her own slight nervous habit because she then stuttered out some things before lifting her gaze back to me.

“My body can’t take it.” She spoke clearly this time; as if that was the only thing she was sure of in life.

“What do you mean?” I replied.

She sighed, turning her body towards me more and raising her right hand to show her cast. “My bones are basically made of glass.” She lowered her hand slowly. “My lungs are almost made of paper”

My eyes went wide slightly at her explanation and I found myself looking at her with curiosity lining my lips.

“it’s a result of my powers…” she trailed off, a slight hint she wanted to hide away but when she looked back at me, I nearly felt her heart skip a beat, even from this far away. “My body stores all my energy and strength into my surges… which leaves nothing for me.”

I couldn’t help the light buzz of pity that manifested inside my lungs, because it truly was sad that this beautiful women, felt like she was a prisoner in her frail prison cell.

I couldn’t bring myself to make words arise in my throat, only a nod a smile as I began to exit the room, but then a thought crossed my mind. A silent quite beckoning to tell her something to let her know I wouldn’t mind talking to her again. “If you ever want someone to watch movies with-“I turned to her quickly “I’m always up for some arsenic and old lace”

As I shut the door, I just barley saw the ghost a smile form on her shy, gently crafted lips.

Part 3

#Bucky Barnes #bucky x reader #bucky #winter solider x reader #wintersoilder #theloveablesociopath #silversilence #sebastian stan x reader #Sebastian Stan #jamesbarnes #james bucky barnes #fanfiction #fanfic

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annabellsr · 6 years ago

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Just skip this. Im stoned and in A Mood™

Its 3 am and i cant sleep and im overthinking so im going to write it out to ride it out.

Here we go.

Ive introduced caffeine back into my diet and that was a horrible awful mistake. My bad @ myself. My sleep has been FUCKED since. And the worst part? I crave it. Lmaoo dumb.

I like this writing but its way too fucking big damn it.

Welp.

I fucking almost texted my ex today to tell her what a piece of shit she was and is and that i am mad that her last letter to me she LITERALLY said she learned how to love thanks to all the abuse she put me through. I try not to think about it. But fun fact about caffeine is it can make you agitated. And it can effect you negatively if you have certain mental illnesses. And for someone who is so outspoken about it sometimes i am just so. In. Denial. About. My. Own. Illnesses.

Im still learning better coping skills and how to love and accept myself while simultaneously trying to unlearn a LOT of unhealthy thought patterns and coping habits.

Like accepting the fact i have a caffeine sensitivity. Like I know i will trigger a panic attack if i get more than 80mg of it in me. But i always tell myself i can push through it. Or it wont happen this time. Or i need to just buck up and deal with it. Like when will i learn? Who fucking knows but it sure as hell wasnt this week.

I was also thinking about kevin today. I hate him so so so much. However. I also feel so so so bad for him because i kinda understand him a little bit and we have some of the same bad coping habits. Except where my emotions lean towards sad his lean toward anger. Like yeah theres a ton of sad underneath there, but it shows itself as anger. Which is super rude, dangerous, and annoying. Buuut anyway. I was thinking about the day i legit almost killed myself. Like i was fucking ready.

I was so ready infact, that it scared me. And i reached out for help that day. I called a (at the time) friend. I didnt tell her why i called. Or what i was feeling. See the funny thing about me is im an Overshare-er™ and tend to do so especially when im stressed or feeling anxious(thats actually a pretty common symptom of anxiety). However there have been some distinct moments in my life where i wanted something so so badly i was able to keep my mouth shut until after i did whatever it was. These also happen to be key turning points in my life (some more obvious than others). So when i was on the phone with her and realized i had no desire to talk about wanting to end it all, and lied when she asked what was up, REALLY scared me. I felt, for a moment, like my body had made the decision for me. Like it was a once in a lifetime (lmaooo no pun intended) chance to change the direction my life was going. I was so sure i was ready. I didnt care what happened after, i wasnt even going to write a note because i felt whatever sob story excuse i had would just be scoffed at or seen as dramatic. I always felt too dramatic, too much, too alone, too intensely, too too too too too.

I always thought the problem

Was me.

UNTIL

This year. This year I finally realized (and mostly accepted ((i still have bad days, still rewiring the ol brain)) ) that /I/ was never the problem. I was just a fucking kid. Doing fucking kid shit. That NORMAL KIDS NORMALLY DO.

KEVIN was AND IS just a bully asswipe WHO ABUSED A CHILD because he was stuck in some shitty cycle cause his daddy was mean to him too. I mean hes still a shit person, hes impulsive, rude, racist, surprisingly not so homophobic? (Prob was when younger i could totally see it. He would be the "lesbians are fine but a gay dude betyer not evem glance at me" douche. ) and honestly a deadbeat who wont take care of himself, mind body or soul.

So to know that my childhood was legit wrecked by this dillweed fucking ENRAGES me. Which is SO ironIC CONSIDERING I SPENTMY 12-21 YEARS OF LIFE REPRESSING ANY FORM OF ANGER BECAUSE I WAS AFRAID OF TURNING OUT LIKE MY ABUSER WHO ONLY EVER SHOWED ME ANGER. And disgust. Like legit im sure he is disgusted by me.

But as soon as it clicked in my tumbleweed of a head that the only reason my childhood sucked wasnt because there was something wrong with me, but because i was someones scapegoat?! All that anger fucking ripped a new one in me.

Its like going on a T break and then smoking again. Its intense, and you feel it in every inch of you and its new but familiar at the same time but sometimes it is just SO INTENSE. Sometimes its too intense.

Just to think. He fucking broke me down to the point i was convinced it was me. I was the problem. I was always wrong or not enough or gross or too-SOMETHING. He broke me down to the point

Was

Going

Kill

Self

All because he never got help for himself, but instead took it out on me.

Fucking disgusting.

And i fucking HATE that sometimes i really want to help him. Because im fucking soft and when i step back i can see he is just a human suffering and i dont think people deserve to suffer.

Even though i know he never thinks twice about the way he treated me. (Mainly because he gets the fucking blessing of not remembering any of it. Fucker.) and even if i told him he prob wouldnt even care.

Sometimes i do think about telling him.

Laying it all out there.

And then blocking his number so i never have to know what his reply would be.

Its 330am.

I have work in 12 hours.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

#tw suicice

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