#and is in a non-poly relationship

[cloudytomboy]

.

[figs-and-cigs]

[crimeronan]

i've seen a couple people in the notes of this very good post about fictional polyamory by @thebibliosphere say things along the lines of "oh, i've been doing it wrong :(" or "how do i know if i did this right??" or "i should probably give up and start over, i wrote this badly :(" and. no!!!!

(i AM seeing far MORE people say "oh, this clarified and helped me so much, i think i know how to fix issues i've been having with my own story" which. YES!!!!)

listen. if you're a monogamous person who's writing a polyamorous relationship, and you've been focusing mainly on The Triad and All Three Together All The Time as the endgame, that's literally fine. that's a perfectly acceptable and strong starting point for your plotting, imo. you do not need to give up on a story that you've started like this.

but the things discussed in the post Can and Should improve your execution!

you can keep the same plot beats and overall relationship arc 100%. polyamorous relationships are infinite in their formations, every one is unique. "basically a monogamous romance but with three people" Does exist, as a relationship type. you're not hashtag Misrepresenting (TM) poly people with it

BUT i do think it will help to read up on some poly people talking about how their relationships Differ from monogamous ones.

so i have outlined some basic important concepts about polyamory.

MORE IMPORTANTLY though, i've broken down some questions that you can answer throughout the writing process to strengthen your individual dyad relationships, your individual characterization, & your characters' individual feelings/experiences. this is a writing resource have fun

future kitkat butting in to say i spent over two hours writing this and it definitely needs a readmore. it is also NOT comprehensive. but everything should be pretty simple to follow! feel free to reblog if you find it helpful yourself or just want to reward me for how gotdan long this took KSLDKFJKDL.

i've grabbed quick links for a couple of the important concepts, some have SEO pitches in them but the info largely seems to be good. (if i missed anything Egregiously Gross on these sites i should be able to update the links with better ones later, since they're under the readmore.)

sidenote: this is NOT meant to be overwhelming, despite the length. if you can't read all of this, that's Okay. you do not need to give up on your writing.

here we go:

compersion!

compersion is a BIG thing in a lot of polyamorous relationships. it's joy derived from seeing two (or more) of your partners happy together, or joy derived from seeing your partner happy with someone else.

compersion is really important as a concept because it highlights that every individual relationship within a polycule is different -- and that that's a GOOD thing. it's sort of the inverse of jealousy.

by the "inverse of jealousy," i mean that instead of feeling left out and upset and possessive, you feel happy/joyous/content.

i can use personal experience as an example: it's a Relief for me when my partners receive joy/support/sex/romance/etc that i can't (or prefer not to) give them. and i love seeing my partners make each other laugh and be silly together.

it's 100% okay for a poly triad not to be together 100% of the time, it doesn't mean that the third member is being left out or not treated equally when two people do things alone together.

(i have individual dates with my partners all the time! PLUS larger 3-and-4-person date nights.)

if the third member DOES feel jealous or left out, then the polycule can have a conversation to figure out what needs/wants aren't being met, and solve that. this happens semi-regularly in my polycule, as it will happen in any relationship (including monogamous ones)! it's just part of being an adult, sometimes you have to talk about feelings.

metamours!

a metamour is someone who is dating your partner, but ISN'T dating you. this may not be relevant for people writing closed three-person romantic sexual triads, but it's a super helpful term to know.

the linked article also lists different types of metamour relationships with some fun phrasing i hadn't heard before. the tl;dr is: sometimes you'll be domestic cohabitation friends, sometimes you'll be buddies with your own friendship, sometimes you might not interact much outside of parties, every relationship is different.

there's no one-size-fits-all requirement for metamour relationships. sometimes polyamorous people will end up dating their metamour after a while (has happened to me), sometimes polyamorous people will break up with one partner for normal life reasons, but remain friendly metamours.

the goal of polyamory is NOT for EVERYONE to fall in love. it is 100% okay if this happens in your story, it happens in real life too! but it is also 100% okay for characters to be metamours without ever becoming "more than friends."

(sidenote: try to kill any internalized "more than" that you have when it comes to friendship. friends are just as important and special and vital as partners.)

of course there are a million ways for messiness to occur with metamours within a complex polycule, exactly like with close-knit platonic friend groups. however this post is not about that! there's enough "here's how polyamory can go wrong" stuff out there already, so i'm focusing on the positives here :)

open versus closed polyamorous relationships!

i'm struggling to find an online article that reflects my experience without directly contradicting at least SOME stuff. so i'll give a quick rundown

google has a bunch of conflicting definitions of open relationships and whether open relationships are different from polyamory. the general consensus seems to be that an open relationship prioritizes one partnership (often a marriage), but that each partner can have extraneous flings or long-term commitments (most often sexual in nature).

this is not typically how i use the term wrt polyamory. the poly concept is pretty simple. a closed polyamorous relationship is one with boundaries like a monogamous one. there are multiple partners in the polycule, but they are not interested in having anybody new join said polycule.

an open polyamorous relationship tends to be more flexible -- it just means that IF someone in the polycule develops mutual feelings for a new person, it's fine for them to become part of said polycule if they want to! the relationship/person is open to newcomers.

some groups will need to negotiate this all together, others will just go "haha, you kids have fun." just depends on the individuals!

with open AND closed polyamorous relationships, the most important thing is making sure that there's respectful communication and that everyone is on the same page. but there's no one-size-fits-all way to do that.

i wish i could give you guys a prescriptive "You Must Do It This Way" guide, but that's.... basically the opposite of what polyamory is about, HAHA.

feelings for multiple people!

i was gonna tack this on to the previous section but decided it warranted its own lil bit.

a defining feature (....i'm told?) of monogamous relationships is that a monogamous person only has feelings for One individual at a time. they only want a relationship with one individual at a time. or, if they DO have feelings for multiple people simultaneously, they're still only comfortable dating one person at a time & being exclusive with that one person.

this is perfectly fine!

the poly experience is generally different from this. but once again..... polyamorous people all have different individual perspectives on this.

for me, i have never been able to draw hard boxes around romantic vs sexual vs platonic relationships, & i love many people at once. my personal polycule lacks many strict definitions beyond "these are my chosen people, i want to forge a life with them indefinitely, whatever shape that life takes"

some poly people feel explicit romantic or sexual attraction to multiple people at once, some poly people feel almost no romantic or sexual attraction at all. i'd say that MOST poly people feel different things for different partners, which is not a bad thing!

some poly people are even monogamous-leaning -- they have just chosen one romantic partner who is themselves part of a larger polycule. (so this monogamous-leaning person has at least one metamour!)

or alternatively, they might have one romantic partner AND a qpr, or other ways of defining relationships. (this is a factor in my own polycule!)

i made this its own point because if you're writing a straightforward triad, this is unlikely to come up in the story itself -- but it's worth thinking about how your characters develop/handle feelings outside of their partnerships.

like, is this sort of a soulmateship, 'these are the only ones for me' type deal? in which they won't fall in love with anyone else, and can be fairly certain of that?

that's pretty close to typical monogamous standards but you Can make it work. just be thoughtful with it

alternatively, can you see any of these characters falling in love Again after the happily-ever-after? and how would the triad approach it, if so? what would they all need to talk about beforehand, and what feelings would everybody have about the situation?

it's worth considering these questions even if the hypothetical will never feature in your actual canon, because knowing the answers to these questions will help you understand all of the individuals & their relationship(s) MUCH better.

i've been typing this for nearly two hours and there's a lot more i COULD say because... there's just a lot to say. i'll close out with some quick questions that you can ask yourself when developing the dyad dynamics within your triad

first, take a page and create a separate section for each individual dyad. then answer these questions for every pair:

how does each pair act when alone?

how do they act differently alone compared to when they're with their third partner?

are there any elements of this dyad (romantic, sexual, financial, domestic, etc) that these two people DON'T have with the third partner?

if so, what are they?

are there any boundaries or hard limits within this dyad that aren't shared with the third partner?

if so, what are they?

partner 3 goes out of town alone for a few weeks. what are the remaining two doing in their absence?

(doesn't have to be anything special, it's just to get a sense of how the two interact on a day-by-day basis without the third there)

what is something that each partner in the dyad admires about the other -- that they DON'T necessarily see in the third partner?

what problem do These Two Specifically need to solve in the story before their relationship will work?

how is that problem DIFFERENT from the problems being solved within the other two dyads?

doing this for ALL THREE dyads is VITAL imo. that way, you develop complex and nuanced and different relationships that all have unique dynamics.

those questions should be enough to get you started, i hope

then After you've charted the differences in relationships, you can start to jot down similarities in the overarching triad. what does one person admire in Both of their partners? what are activities that all three like to do together? what are boundaries or discussions that all three share?

but the main goal is to figure out how to Differentiate each relationship!

a polycule is only as strong as the individual relationships within it. if two people are struggling with their own relationship, adding a third person won't fix that.

(UNLESS the third person is the catalyst for those two to, like, Actually Communicate And Work Their Shit Out. i just mean that the old adage of "maybe if we just add a third-" works about as well to fix a miserable non-communicative marriage as, uh, "maybe if we have a baby-")

AND FINALLY.

if you're not sure whether your poly romance reads organically to poly people, you can hire a sensitivity reader with poly experience. if you can't afford that, you can read up on polyamorous resources like a glossary of terms & articles actually written by poly people. (and stories written by poly people!)

you can also just.... ask poly people questions, if they're open to it. i like talking about polyamory and my own relationships so you're welcome to send asks if u want, i just can't guarantee i'll answer bc my energy levels fluctuate a lot and i don't always have time.

polyamorous people are in an uphill battle for positive representation right now & so the LAST thing i want to see is authors giving up on their stories bc they're worried about getting things Wrong. well-meaning and positive stories that treat this kind of love as normal, healthy, & aspirational are So So So Needed. even if you guys end up with some funky-feeling details.

seriously, if you're monogamous then you probably don't have a full idea of Just How Nasty a lot of people can get about polyamory. i wish it DIDN'T mean so much for you guys to want to write nice stories about us, but it does mean a lot. and it means a lot that you want to do it WELL.

in conclusion. this is not a prescriptive guide, it's just a way to raise questions. and also, you all are doing FINE.

[readychilledwine]

For the High Lady

Summary - Rhysand's generosity knew no bounds, not even when it came to sharing his mate with his brothers.

Warning - oral male receiving, fingering, voyeurism, auralism, degradation, dp, ✨️ loosely edited, so blink away any mistakes ✨️

Prompt - Day 7 - Free Day

A/N - Welcome to my first of 2 smut posts for @polyacotarweek was originally meant to be a favorite trope, but as I was editing (loosely), I decided I'd rather use it for free day!

💕Poly+ACOTAR Week Masterlist💕

Rhys hated multiple nights spent in Hewn City. The only plus side to them was the tiny see-through dresses you'd wear while you perched in his lap in the war room. 

Tonight was clearly revenge for you. The sheer white panes of material did nothing to hide a single inch of you and you were pressing soft kisses along his jawline, nibbling softly on his ear. “Need you,” your voice was a soft breath. “Can't wait.”

“You have to,” he patted your upper thigh. “You riled yourself up. You can wait. We promised Azriel and Cassian we would play with them tonight. Remember? You smiled into his neck now, fingers gripping at his waist. “Excited, aren't you, my star? Azriel has been desperate for a taste since Cassian got one last night.”

“He was invited,” Rhysand almost shivered at the kisses you were pressing to his neck. “He made the choice to not come in.” You felt him shiver, gripping your thigh tighter. 

“Knock it off.”

“Never.” 

You saw shadows from the corner of your eye before Azriel appeared next to you and Rhysand. “Take her and teach her some manners.” 

“Of course.” Azriel held his hand to you, giving you one chance to leave willingly. You rolled your eyes, but gave him your hand, following him out of where Keir would be meeting with Rhysand and now Cassian and into the throne room. “Never roll your eyes at me again, y/n.” 

“Yes, sir.”

He curled two fingers to you, wanting you to come closer to him. “What is with all this attitude the past couple days? Where's my good girl?”

You held in the pout as you when in to hug him, chin resting on his chest as he towered over you. “I have been a good girl.”

“That's a lie. What is going on?” His hand began to trail down your spine, resting on your lower back as he walked you to the dais and sat. “My y/n isn’t this much of a brat.”

You kneeled before him and between his legs, hands running up powerful thighs as you did. “Needy.”

“Needy, huh? Is Rhysand not doing enough, baby? Did Cassian not please you last night?” 

In reality they both were capable males. Both brought you pleasure. Even if Rhysand was the only one you shared a romantic connection to, though, you always missed Azriel and Cassian. And one of them had not paid attention to you in quite some time. “They aren't who I am needy for.” 

Azriel leaned into you, grabbing your jaw softly before giving you a quick kiss. “If you missed me you should have said something.”

That kiss turned into a mess quickly and before you knew it, he was sitting on the throne, your mouth wrapped around his cocks as shadows held your hands behind your back. That was how Rhysand and Cassian found you two. You on your knees as Azriel had his head back and eyes squeezed shut as you took as much of him as possible into your mouth. 

Rhysand happily took a seat, watching as Cassian approached you from behind but left him with a view. You didn't even up as Cassian put a hand on your core, fingers running before one pushed in. Azriel groaned as you moaned around him, smiling as his lashed fluttered against his cheeks. Just needed a cock to keep you occupied huh? How is he, my star?

So good. Cassian kept pushing his finger in and out of you, the other hand tangling into your hair to direct your movements on Azriel. 

It felt like seconds, perhaps from the build and anticipation from Azriel, but you were falling apart on Cassian's hand. Squirming and tears falling down your face. “Good girl,” Cassian praised you, fingering you through your high. He pulled you off Azriel, forcing you into his lap with your back against his chest so you faced your mate. 

Rhys nodded for you to continue and leaned back. Cassian went to him, a chair appearing next to Rhysand as Azriel pushed into you. His hands locked on your hips, gripping them tight enough to leave bruising as he directed each of your movements. 

Your mate's cock was perfect. Thick, long, filling you every inch of the way. Cassian's was thick, barely longer than Rhysand's so not too much of a stretch, but Azriel's? The male had been blessed by Gods. Riding him was a constant flow pleasure that there was no escaping. Each drag of him had your eyes rolling as Rhysand and Cassian just watched your tits bounce. Azriel moaned behind you, the most vocal of the 3 with his pleasure, intensifying everything you felt and making your pride sing with how you had reduced him to a mess as well. 

That coil was quickly building, pleasure becoming almost too much as Rhysand stood and walked to you. Your husband was mesmerizing, toxicating in every single way, but even more so as a hand just placed itself on your throat, the other finding your clit and circling that bundle of nerves in time with those hard deep thrusts. “You're going to come already, y/n?”

You couldn't help just whisper a soft please, needing his permission with him in front of you. “Pathetic little thing tonight, aren't you?” 

“Yes.”

���Yes, what?”

“Yes, high lord. Please may I cum?”

Rhysand smiled then, kissing your forehead gently. “What pretty manners. Of course, darling.” He pressed your clit harder, electricity shooting through your body as he did, and you fell over the edge, screaming Azriel's name and triggering the male's own release. He held you through it. You mouth now preoccupied by Rhysand before you were pulled off of Az. 

The male was quick to stand shadows now Keeping you hands at bay as Cassian, cock leaking and hard, just begging for you to taste. “I believe you know what to do, wife.” 

The last thing you expected as you began to suck Cassian off, arm of the throne digging into your hips, was Rhysand to enter you from behind. 

You were used to being treated like this by them, used to being used and abused by them, and showered with their love later. Azriel leaned down next to you, “You look beautiful like this, you know that.” You shivered and moaned, nerves now overly sensitive and mind zeroing in on Azriel's deep voice. “I wish we could have you like this every day, wet and waiting.”

“Cauldron boil me,” Rhysand groaned behind you. “Keep talking to her. She's getting so fucking tight.”

Azriel kept his mouth by your pointed ear, “You have the prettiest pussy, you know that? She's always so warm and inviting. And your mouth is perfect. Cassian is in heaven.” The mentioned male almost whimpered as you swallowed around him, one hand holding Rhysand's on your ass as the other held your hair. 

Your eyes began to water as the feeling of fire washed through you. It was all too much, too little, and so good. That edge was approaching faster than you wanted with the bond wide open allowing you to feel Rhys mentally, emotionally, and physically. 

Cassian's cock gave a warning twitch. “He's going to cum, y/n. You're doing such a good job. Being such a good little whore for us.” And that was it. Cassian came at the same time you did, groaning loudly and back arching as thick warm ropes of cum spilled into your mouth. 

You tightened and pulsed around Rhysand, milking him and forcing the High Lord to finish with such force the mountains seemed to shake. 

Moments later the four of you were laying on the floor, breathing heavily and smiling as you all did. 

You'd trade this for nothing. You squeezed Rhysand's hand, treasuring the openness of his heart and your relationship. Love you, Rhysand.

I love you too, y/n Darling.

General Taglist:

@hnyclover @glitterypirateduck @slytherinindisguise @mischiefmanagers @bloodicka @starsinyourseyes @the-sweet-psycho @mariahoedt @rinalouu @sarawritestories @starryhiraeth @starswholistenanddreamsanswered @cumuluscranium @loneliestluvr @eternallyelvish @azrielsmate3 @daughterofthemoons-stuff @meritxellao @aria-chikage @hungryforbatboys @lilah-asteria

Poly+ACOTAR Week Taglist

@amara-moonlight @toporecall @littlestw01f @prettylittlewrites @anuttellaa @nayaniasworld @123345566

[m0on-boys]

I don't ship any of the x-men they just all fuck

[its-all-good-my-luv]

Three is never a crowd. Sometimes... she just wants to watch... and that's just fine as well. 😊💕⚘️

[queerism1969]

[chaosroid]

I've talked about this before in discord servers so I might as well share my thoughts here as well. I feel like the inclusion of polyamory in BG3 was handled sloppily. Let me preface this by saying I have no issue with poly in general. Really, it's the way it was executed in this game that confuses me. More specifically, it doesn't make sense to me how the poly companions (Shadowheart and Astarion) react to certain dialogue options you can pick and the inconsistencies in characterization that come with it.

If you suggest an open relationship with Shadowheart regarding another companion, she is completely against the idea and explicitly tells you she doesn't want to be your spare lover.

Yet, shortly into act 3, her entire stance changes when it comes to Halsin and she's suddenly cool with it. And before you say "Oh well, she knows Halsin isn't a serious romantic partner so she's not worried", that's the thing, he CAN be a serious romantic partner. And one of the things you can tell her is "He wants me, and I want him. I'm not sure there's space for you and I", ultimately treating Shadowheart like, well, essentially a spare lover, and she's not only fine with it, but encourages this. Does she just not know that your relationship with Halsin can be serious? Because otherwise it feels very ooc for her.

I feel like none of this would've been an issue if SH was just written from the start to be okay in a poly relationship with every companion, instead of this flip fop where she's not okay with it for two entire acts before suddenly being okay with it in act 3 but it's weirdly exclusive to only Halsin. It's that inconsistency that lowkey bothers me.

I have similar issues with Astarion, because some of his reactions to what you can say makes no sense either. Here you have a man who just started rediscovering his sexual boundaries, but when you tell him you want to hook up with Halsin, he'll ask if it's only because he's not putting out enough. You can prove his worry correct and apparently he's okay with this (the dev notes confirm it).

We're supposed to believe he's not hurt by what you said? 'Oh gee, I finally wanna be seen for more than a sex slave but I'm totally fine with my partner fucking someone else the second I refuse sexual intimacy because of my trauma!'. It's just so in bad taste.

You can say things that go completely against what Astarion and SH would want to hear, and they'll still be like "Yep, alright! Have fun with Halsin!". This game has some of the most mature representations of sexual trauma but will then simultaneously turn around and reduce these characters to fanservice, because the people need to have their cake and eat it too I guess.

And sure, you can make the argument that they only trust Halsin with this sort of thing. But the fact that Halsin and his romance only got added late into the game because of horny fans from EA leads me to believe that the far simpler answer is that it was just tacked on last minute without much thought given to whether or not it would actually make sense. Halsin and SH don't even like each other in act 2, she honestly has more chemistry with Karlach (a companion who can actually fantasize about threesomes in her origin btw) and was smitten with her as early as act 1. But I guess for all the folks who wanted a fully wlw poly relationship, that's just not possible because your only option is a man :)

Again, I have nothing against Astarion and SH being poly. It's their jarring responses to some of Tav's dialogue options, in which I genuinely don't believe they would be okay with hearing those things nor would they respond so flippantly.

tl;dr They would not fucking say that

[69constellationsinatrenchcoat]

My two favourite polyamory memes

[findingpeaceinconnection-blog]

I discovered i was polyamorous twice.

The first time I was playing dnd with mates and we stopped a dual over a woman, by convincing them to be a throuple. Another player said yeah imagine it, wake up next to your love, kiss them good morning, and then turn to your other love and kiss them good morning too. I said yeah that sounds great, then had a crisis over how great it sounded. I spent a few days mulling it over and decided I wasn't poly. Because I would only be able to get married once, and if i fell in love twice that would hurt. I also didn't want to have to explain it to my family. So i wasn't.

Then i fell in love with the greatest man i've ever met. We grew and changed together, helped each other discover ourselves and what makes us happy. We learnt together we were poly. But just in the fun sexy way.

Then I fell in love again. I'm polyam in the romantic way too. But now i've fallen in love with someone who is monogamous. He wouldn't want to be in a polycule. So i just have to wait for this crush to pass.

I usually make a point that i'm writing for myself, but for once, I need to hear from my community. My polyam community is limited irl, any advice you can give would be appreciated.

[please-and-no-thank-you]

Geno be getting all the bitches

[figs-and-cigs]

[angelasscribbles]

[payneandagony]

Let's talk jealousy.

Before you scroll on, this post is for everyone not just the poly/enm people.

Has your partner/lover/spouse spend time with someone else, even just their friend, and it drove you juuuuust a little crazy? Did you fixate on imagining what they're doing at any given time? Maybe they came home and told you about how they had lunch together or a sweet intimate moment?

That's totally okay. You're not a monster. You are allowed to have emotional responses to things. This goes for those of us under the non-monogamous blanket too. We're not immune to these things.

I heard a while ago on the Multiamory podcast (check it out) someone describing jealousy as a secondary emotion. There is often an underlying feeling behind it; sadness, anger, frustration, fear, loneliness.

It could be the fear of being replaced, a common one for the monogamous one's reading. It could be frustration at being left out of the fun, or a fear of missing out. Sometimes it's anger that they chose someone else to spend time with but god damn it you wanted that weekend.

Combating these uncomfortable feels can be done a number of ways, but generally:

- Start by identifying the root, do a little introspection and try to determine what emotion(s) and thought(s) are behind it.

- Jealousy around an activity might be countered by asking said partner if you can do the activity together later.

- Fear of missing out can be a bitch, ask if you can tag along next time? That one can be difficult even for platonic relationships.

Communication is key, it's been said to death but it's true. Don't simply communicate the jealousy, communicate the root feelings and thoughts and maybe together you can brainstorm a way to alleviate it somewhat.

[vizthedatum]

reflections on my polyamory

I feel so much lighter about my polyamory practice after so much reflection this year.

I didn't date that much this year - my only major relationship was with my ex-girlfriend (who is one of my best friends, and I love her so dearly. I am so thankful for her to be in my life).

I went on a couple of sporadic dates, made some really awesome friends, blocked some people who weren't good for me, was broken up after three dates with someone over the summer, and generally AGONIZED about finding someone. (I also agonized over not being able to get over someone from the past and was angry at my ex-spouse. (I think the anger has been good for me!)))

It's not that I'm not lonely anymore - I am. But I'm releasing (slowly) that pull to be with someone just for the sake of thinking that's where I should be right now.

I value connection and natural alignment more than brute-forcing myself into some sort of relationship. I want it all to happen way more naturally, and I no longer want to be afraid of how I feel. I want to tell people how I feel and see if we can work out something. I want to ask, "Hey, do you want to do something with me? A partnership? Being lovers? Friends? Something else we can both define? Or should we part ways because you don't feel the same way or don't want to make a commitment?"

I want to tell people I love them without fear, and I'm getting SO MUCH better at that.

--

I started dating someone new recently (only one date, a second date planned, and already a bunch of good conversations).

And... I realized:

I like this person very initially, but I don't want to force myself or them to fit into a relationship mold of any kind. It may not work out. It may be an amazing friendship. It could be something else! It's nice to not know... and just communicate enthusiastically.

It's not that I don't want definition in my relationships - I do. With time. With the evolving communication.

I feel secure with our conversation and admire their maturity - I already don't feel like I need to second-guess myself when I tell them stuff (and I hope that continues!)

I think I have fundamentally changed how I behave, to be honest - I ask for a lot of clarity, and I will continue to do so.

--

I feel more at peace with just enjoying and loving people as long as they're in my life. Yes, breaks or deviations from my expectations will still emotionally affect me, but they will not completely devastate me to the point of non-functioning. I don't think I could have said that before.

Even with my last friend-breakup, yes, I was so so hurt. I did say I was "devastated," but I wasn't non-functional. I wasn't ruminating constantly over it. And I understood that I didn't have or want control over how that ended up evolving. I have way too much respect for him, and I have way too much respect for myself.

My polyamory, as I've been saying really confidently all year, includes friendships (I think it always has... and when I've brought this up to people in the past, some people were like "well, I don't consent to being part of your polycule" and to that, I say: You don't have to be part of a polycule if you don't want to be - it's about your impact on me, our chosen responsibilities to each other, and our connection (in the group of connections of whoever we choose to interact with)... it's just how I define my love, energy, and commitment).

Defining my energy and commitment... helps me not burn out. I LOVE BEING IN CONNECTION WITH PEOPLE, but I cannot lose the connection with myself again.

And I also don't want to be connected with people who seek to control me in a relationship. I don't want there to be cheating within a relationship (and I think the "cheating" conversation should be had with people - it can include *personal* boundaries, but I do not think it should limit what people do, because if it does, then maybe the relationship should be scrutinized more - maybe it needs to be redefined.)

I still have feelings, obviously. I am my own person, and things affect me the way they affect me based on my unique life experience! If I have a partner I feel hurt by, I will tell them that, even if they didn't have that intention. If I think that someone is non-commital or isn't contributing to the relationship the way I need them to, I will talk to them about it (and we'll go from there).

My brand of polyamory isn't about shirking from responsibility. It's also about being true to myself. I don't want to hurt someone; if I am, I need to figure out how to repair that relationship with that person OR LEAVE. If someone repeatedly hurts me without any change, efforts to repair, or acknowledgment, then I need to leave.

And yeah... I think I still do want to nest with someone or someones from time to time. And I still want kids.

But I can have meaningful relationships (whether or not they include platonic, romantic, sexual, etc. elements), whether or not they include nesting or co-parenting, and I didn't think I could before.

[its-all-good-my-luv]

Three is never a crowd... 🥰⚘️