#and instead she’s staying away from it all and i truly don’t understand. she’s literally the one who said she wants to be more vocal and

[darlinimamess]

i feel like it’s saying something that this is the 3rd time in 4 years that i’ve needed to take a step back from the intense taylor love bc of her silence around a huge issue

[darkeralmond]

Dance With Me

Luke Hughes x Reader

song: dance with me - beabadoobee

synopsis: luke and you dated all through sophomore, junior, and part of senior year. luke had his hands tied with hockey, so the both of you decide to break up. now, you’re alone at prom and luke is back to make things right

warnings: fluff, high school au!, exes to lovers, second chance romance, luke being the cutest ever, dance with me lyrics literally everywhere

word count: 1.6k

a/n: i’ve been posting a lot of conrad stuff so i would like to post something luke hughes related bc i just love him so much! i have a lot more conrad stuff coming don’t worry!! ALSO I LOVE BEABADOOBEE SHE IS THE CUTEST I SWEARR!!

masterlist | request info

4 MONTHS AGO

You would’ve preferred spending the night hanging out with Luke instead of sitting alone on your couch eating rocky road ice cream while watching Scream 2. Luke was busy preparing to go to Team USA for hockey. You wanted to be supportive and have him stay focused on that instead of you. He’s always wanted to go to the national hockey league, which is why playing on a national team was super important. You knew that.

Someone knocked on the front door which interrupted you from your movie. You looked back as your eyebrows knitted together. You placed down the quart of ice cream and paused your movie before heading up to the door. What if you were about to get killed? This was the start of every horror movie. Someone alone in their house while watching a scary movie.

‘Whatever,’ you thought. You opened it up to see Luke standing in the doorway, a frown on his face. Something was wrong. “Hey, baby. What’s the matter?” you asked.

He flashed a false smile, “Hey… can we sit for a bit?” That was never a good sign. You nodded your head as you listened to the beat of your heart as it pulsed. You invited him in and he sat down on the couch. “Look, Y/N…”

Instantly, you knew. The hanging of his head, the lack of eye contact, his anxiously toying with his thumbs. “You wanna break up,” you cut in. His brown eyes were full of sorrow as he met yours.

You nodded your head and looked at the tub of ice cream melting in the container. The lump in your throat grew, but you didn’t want to crack in front of him.

Luke placed his hand in yours, “It’s not because of you, I promise. It’s not that I don’t love you anymore. It’s just..”

“You’ll be gone for hockey,” you finished. He nodded his head, now looking down at his knees again. You watched him in your peripheral vision because you knew if you met his eyes, he would know how much it truly hurt you.

It didn’t take a look for your face to scrunch up as tears escaped your eyes. You took in a sniffled inhale through your nostrils and let out a shaky exhale through your mouth. “It’s okay, I understand.” You grabbed his hand and squeezed it tight.

He looked up and smiled sadly at you before leaning forward and kissing your forehead. You reached for the tissue box on the coffee table and retrieved a tissue. You dabbed at the salty tears staining your cheeks.

His lips met yours gently before he said, “I love you so much.” You stared into his brown eyes that were now red from holding back tears.

“I love you too,” you whispered. Holding back the sobs stuck in your throat felt impossible, but you had to stay strong for him.

His hand then slipped out of yours as he got up from his spot on the couch. He used the back of his hand to wipe away the few tears that seemed to escape. “Good bye, Y/N…”

“Bye, Luke…” With that, he left out the front door. You watched from the window in the living room as the headlights to his car turned on and pulled out of your driveway.

You hysterically cried on the couch, now letting all your emotions free. Your chest hurt and your body burned, it felt like your heart could explode right out of your rib cage. You hated the feeling that you were selfish for reacting this way. Luke was only following his dreams like you told him to, it was your job as your girlfriend to let him go when a bigger opportunity came. It’s just that no one warned you that letting go would hurt so bad…

PRESENT DAY

“Who’s having fun tonight?!” The DJ shouted over the mic. It was finally prom night and your first prom without Luke.

You had a date, Jason Porter. He was someone who showed an interest in you near the beginning of senior year, but you were with Luke. It wasn’t like you wanted to go to prom with Jason in a romantic way, but all your friends had dates, so it felt mandatory to ask someone.

When you all finally arrived at the dance, he immediately ditched you to go hang out with his baseball buddies instead of you. He stuck with his friends while you stuck with yours.

Your friend, Andrea, wrapped her arm around you and pulled you into a side hug. “He’s an idiot. He doesn’t know what he’s missing.”

Prom finally transitioned to the slow dancing period which is what you dreaded. The instrumental for Perfect by Ed Sheeran began playing, so your friends and their dates went onto the dance floor after you insisted you’d be good chilling by yourself.

You looked down at your hands and fiddled with your thumbs, something Luke would do when he’s nervous or upset. Just last year, you were dancing with him out there to this exact song. Now here you were, alone and miserable. You couldn’t help but feel pathetic.

You assumed Luke wouldn’t be back for prom, but you didn’t want to call or text him for confirmation. You figured he was too busy to talk to you which is why you didn’t make an effort to contact him.

“Y/N,” a voice spoke.

Guess you were wrong. You looked up and there he was standing right in front of you. Your heart skipped a beat as you stared at him in disbelief. “Luke?” You stood up and grabbed his face. It was him. You pulled him into a hug, laughing as you did so.

When you pulled back you rested your forehead against his. His hand was behind your head, resting on your neck. “Oh my God, Luke. I missed you so much!”

He kissed the top of your head and smiled widely, “I missed you too, Y/N. How have you been?”

You giggled, “Well at the moment, not too good. All my friends are out dancing with their dates, so I’m kind of lonely.”

“Well, where’s yours?” he asked, looking around.

“Um,” you mumbled. “He kind of ditched me, but it’s fine. Just sucks that there’s really no one to dance with.” You were obviously hinting that you wanted to dance with him.

He looked behind him at the people dancing and then back at you. “If you wanna dance… then dance with me.” Your mouth became too dry to speak. The fact he was here and the fact he wanted to dance. “It’s pretty fast, but this is what you do at prom, right?”

You cracked a smile and said, “Of course I want to dance.”

He led you toward the dance floor where you both started swaying with the music. He lifted your hand and rested it against his hip, he grabbed the other with his own hand as they moved to the beat. You looked up at his face to see his smile widening. “You look beautiful tonight,” he said.

You giggled and looked down at his suit. “Thank you, you look handsome.” You met his gaze again. “How’s Team USA?”

“Really fucking time consuming,” he laughed. You laughed with him as he continued his answer. “We’re always playing, and when we’re not playing we’re busting our asses on the ice.”

You felt unfamiliar with him holding you so close, you took a couple deep breaths. ‘Just take it slow and move your feet,’ you thought as you held onto the brunet. He held your waist and your eyes trailed along every feature of his face, memorizing each detail.

When you glanced up, his eyes were already trained on yours. He leaned towards you, capturing your lips in his. The kiss wasn’t long or passionate, instead it was sweet and comforting.

When you broke apart, he said, “I’m sorry about how things ended.” He ran his fingers through your hair to get the baby strands out of your face. “I’m sorry it ended at all.”

“I’m sorry for not reaching out,” you admitted. You bit down on your bottom lip as you stared into his gorgeous eyes. They held something else, some sort of pain and guilt.

“I’ve been miserable without you and I just really want to make things work. I don’t care about the distance, I only care about you.” His voice lowered to a whisper.

“Luke,” you frowned. “Are you sure you can handle a relationship while you’re gone?”

“You’re more than just a relationship, Y/N,” he said. “I know it’s kind of hard to tell, but I really like you.”

A small smile appeared on your face. “And I really like you too, Luke.”

He grinned at you, causing your heart to skip a beat. He brought a finger to your chin, raising it up. “Then will you give me another chance? I promise you won’t regret it.”

You nodded your head, trying to keep the tear that threatened to fall from falling. You didn’t want your makeup running down your face or to get mascara on your dress, so you quickly wiped away the escaping tears with your thumb. “Yeah…” You nodded once more. “I want that.”

Luke placed his forehead against yours again and held you closer. “So does that mean we can try again?” His words caused your heart to flutter once more.

“Of course it does, dummy,” you teased before kissing him gently.

[realchemistry]

About Maddie's reaction to ~the incident

One of the things I think is important to point out, because I haven't seen or read anyone talking about it, is Maddie's reaction when Buck told her the truth about the basketball incident. When Buck first arrived, she was all smiles, probably happy to have Buck there. Then she asked about how Eddie was doing and Buck said he hadn't talked to him because what happened on the basketball court was not an accident.

Buck confessed that he might have meant to hurt Eddie because he was pissed, felt left out, and he guessed he was trying to get Eddie's attention (I’m not gonna go Buddie here, but he legit literally said exactly this which !!!).

Her face started to morph, the change in her whole demeanor, the horror of it all... she was really really mad. I don't think JLH got the proper credit for it. It's truly remarkable, her face spoke volumes about everything that was going through her head at the moment. You could see Maddie thinking about her past, about Doug, about how he hurt her and the terrible ways in which he justified that behavior as she was telling Buck that you do not hurt people to get their attention and not to do it again.

The episode didn't make that connection explicit (they had her babbling about Sarahs instead, more on that in the last paragraph), and I KNOW that if roles were reversed, part of the fandom would've lost their mind, since they love to portray Eddie as violent and abusive towards Buck when there's nothing in canon to back that up, quite the opposite as of this episode actually. Since Eddie was the one who got hurt, it was no big deal, it was pretty much forgotten immediately after. I thought it was a huge deal, I thought tptb didn't really address how problematic that was. I thought the only one who reflected the gravity of the situation was Jen, maybe thanks to her character's past.

BTW, I don't think it's in character for Buck to do this, I think he does know better, and he really isn't and hasn't ever been the type to resort to violence. Having said that, that's what tptb decided to do on screen, maybe as a way to show he was struggling with his identity... But that’s kinda terrible, like, he’s confused at this point about his feelings so his first instinct is to harm his friend out of jealousy? Also, we didn't get to see anything else on the matter after. It was such an odd choice, tbh, cause yes, Buck and Eddie probably talked about it for a second and then made up offscreen, but to have a character be violent towards his friend just to push a storyline forward, a storyline about bisexuality of all things, disregarding everything about said character and then not acknowledging it... Some very bad choices were made. Once again, I think tptb prioritized moving the plot forward over making sense and that's just something I truly hate with my whole heart.

Characters cannot have their choices and actions dictated by the plot or, at least, it can't feel that way to the audience. That's just bad writing through and through. Tptb did this a lot this season, and I understand that time was pressing because of the strike and all, but they need to do better. They are professionals getting paid to do a job, the least they can do is actually make it all make sense for the fans and stay away from toxic portrayals of LGBTQ+ characters (Hen cheating, anyone?).

The whole story about the Sarahs was really kinda ridiculous, honestly, I think they just had to give Jen more to do but a follow up without it would've been much better. Of course, seeing as their intention was to completely ignore the gravity of the situation, they simply couldn't mention Doug at all cause that would've required Buck and Eddie discuss this seriously instead of completely forgetting about it.

[razrbladekiss]

okkkkk this might be a strange request, but i vaguely remember you posting an ahs apocalypse inspired piece, and i just wonder if you can do one for joel? like… reader is one of cordelia’s witches, and joel is the michael langdon of the bunch. 👀 your old ahs shit was amazing, i CRAVE this. it doesn’t have to be smutty, just the visual of joel being literal satan is hot enough. 🔥

hey! oh, you’ve been here a very l o n g time if you remember all of that stuff 🫶🏻 but, anon, your wish is my command.

TREACHEROUS | Joel Miller

PAIRING: AHS AU antichrist!joel miller x witch!fem!reader

SUMMARY: joel is dead set on getting underneath your skin. you’re dead set on ripping his off. after the death of your supreme, you make it your mission to make joel miller pay for what he’s done.

WORD COUNT: 2.5k

WARNINGS: i’ve literally lifted THAT scene from ahs here but tweaked it so that joel is just a horny, evil lil antichrist. AHS APOCALYPSE SPOILERS (even though it’s literal years old.)🫶🏻. most character’s names have been changed for reasons. MAJOR CHARACTER DEATH. mentions of past sexual activities. lil bit of sexual tension. blood and blood loss. weapons. violence. some witchy magical shit. reader has hair long enough to push over her shoulder. not proof read, parts have been lifted from a previous unpublished work so sorrrrrry if there are little nicks. but enjoy, anon!

With Angelica, her downfall was predicted.

Whilst her powers had started to dwindle, to ebb away into something reminiscent of perpetual weakness, her expulsion into perdition was something that you had always predicted.

As much as you once admired your Supreme, she was a heathen. A wonderfully vindictive woman whose faculty had the potential to lay within the realms of moral righteousness, but instead nestled amongst decades of stewing villainy.

She was, by nature, evil. Completely and utterly freezing cold to the fucking bone. And you weren’t exactly sorry to see the back of her, then.

Angelica taught you a lot about the real world, how mortals viewed witches, and how warlocks had never seemed to be able to practice anything of upstanding value—which was remarkably rich, coming from her—but Sabrina was who truly bestowed any form of wisdom onto you.

She had always been the supreme, in your eyes.

Everything about the woman was completely and utterly indescribably perfect. Sabrina was the kindest, most adoring woman—let alone witch—that you had ever had the privilege of being in the mere presence of, and she could do no wrong, in your eyes.

So many sacrifices, so much she had lost to protect and care for her girls at Robichaux, and she had bounds and bounds to show for it.

Everyone passed into her care, each young woman that she was tasked with granting sanctuary to, had always walked away—or stayed—completely satisfied and ready to embark on their next endeavour with inexhaustible understanding of the powers that they beheld.

Sabrina was a perfect scholar, custodian, maternal figure.

And that was what maimed you.

“What’re you gonna do? Kill me?” Exhausted, you ask.

It’s a palpable fatigue, something that he can taste. Something that he’s feeding off because seeing you so forlorn, so hopeless is a notion so inexplicably delectable, Joel Miller struggles to reign in his lecherous urges.

“I’m fed up, Joel.”

“Oh, come on, cupcake. Don’t give in that easily.” He promises in that tone. That sweet, lustrous rhythm that’s dripping in an almost sickening sweetness. Saccharine, perhaps. “You’re more resilient than this. I know you.”

“You don’t know shit.” You defend. Snippy. 

“I know that you like sharp objects. And blood.” Joel twirls the blade—that Christine had stabbed him with some five minutes ago—between his thick, calloused fingers, and lets out a gentle hum. “You liked it when I choked and pounded you at the same time.”

Oh, Joel. Fuck—Joel.

You cringe at the thought. How he used to sneak into your room—through the fire escape next to your window—and fuck you senseless. How Joel would hold his hand over your mouth—still decorated with his spend and spit—and rut into your pussy, fast and hard. 

Many a night you would cry his name. Many a night Joel would stuff you full of his cock, and leave before you could wipe the tears from your eyes and cum from your stomach. 

And though you enjoyed it—at one very, very low point in your life—you shirk the notion. 

This is retribution. 

“The sex was good. But I’ve had better. With you, it was just stupid mistake, after stupid mistake. ” You snort a laugh. Histrionic, of course.

Joel gasps. He feigns offense, taking a step toward you for he knows that you’re lying. 

Nobody ever fucked you that good. 

“You’ve had better? All those nights were just…mistakes?” You nod. Joel licks his lips. “How come?”

“Because you’re the literal spawn of Satan, for fucks sake.” You spit, gesturing to his blood-sodden chest, hands, face. “You’re the antichrist, Joel, and you’re hellbent on destroying everything that anyone has ever loved, so why wouldn’t it have been a mistake?”

He just stands there with a small, sly smirk, dripping what seems like buckets of blood. 

“You killed everything.”

“I destroyed everything.” He corrects. “There’s a difference.”

He’s insufferable. 

You can’t believe that, once upon a time, you regarded him as high as what you did Sabrina. 

“You have killed Paris.” You ignore what he says. You’re the one walking toward him, now. “You killed my best friend, you killed Christine, and because of you—and whatever the fuck you did—my coven is dying!” 

Joel doesn’t care to figure out who is who in your little monologue. They were all just burdens, to him. Witches in his way from fighting the greater evil. 

“Baby—“

“Don’t you call me that, you bastard!”

Before he knows it, he’s being pinned against the stone-clad wall by a force so fervent, so unbelievably dominant, he struggles to comprehend that you’re the one behind it. 

This is so incredibly sexy. I wish I could just bend her over my fuckin’ knee and—

“Don’t look at me that way.” Your chest is puffed out a little bit, tits damp with blood and sweat, and Joel wants nothing more than to lick that crimson away from supple flesh. 

But he shrugs it off, hoping that he’s not appearing to be as desperate as he feels. 

“Sabrina’s favorite witch is fucking insane.” He muses, using his entire strength—every last morsel—to pull himself back to earth. 

Or, at least, to the ground. 

“Believe me, I am no match for you.” You pant, still spent. “You’re as unbalanced as they could ever possibly come.” 

Condescending, he tilts his head. “Are you flirting?”

“With you? Absolutely not.”

You take another step toward him, pushing maroon-coated strands over your left shoulder.

“With death?” You exert a soft, subtle smirk. “Always.”

“Angelica taught you well, hm?”

At that, you can find it in yourself to chuckle. Because you suppose that it holds some semblance of truth. 

Danger—the concept of fucking dying—hadn’t been much of a thought before you came face to face with your first supreme. 

You were once so mindful, so careful not to dance along the thin line separating life from death, and you’ve always been remarkably successful.

Up until today. 

“She really did.” With a sick, toothy smile, you confirm. 

Out on a complete limb and, with the power of telekinesis, you strive to snatch Joel’s weapon of choice from the confines of his fist. 

It happens too quickly. You don’t have enough time to calculate the angle with which you should catch the blade, and it cuts deep into your palm. 

You hiss at the blood loss, but you’ve got it. 

He licks his lips. 

“Angelica was a wonderful teacher.” Mimicking his earlier action, you skillfully spin the knife in your hand. “But Sabrina really taught me everything that I know.”

Joel snickers. It’s derisive. Cold. Seductive. 

“She warned me.”

“About what, baby?”

“You.” Without reluctance, you blurt. You’re mere moments away from lunging forward and slitting his fucking throat.

But you remain poised. You apply some equilibrium. Something that Sabrina had always ingrained into your mind.

“Paris did, too.” At that, Joel stills. 

What could Paris Montgomery possibly know about him?

“Well, it wasn’t so much a warning. More a divulgence of past activities.” You tease, watching the man start to fucking sweat.

Beads of perspiration fall from his temple to his cheek, glistening wickedly beneath the sparse light within the space. You notice it.

Is he getting turned on? Or is he shitting his pants?

“What you did to your poor grandmother, firstly.”

“I’d tread very carefully, if I were you.”

“Why? What’ve I got to lose now, Joel?” Your words are doused in venom, tongue blanketed with vitriol spite. You’re spitting his poison back at him.

Not many would be ballsy enough to contest him. To regurgitate his wickedness. 

But Joel’s baby is.

“She killed herself to get away from you—all the shit that you put that poor fuckin’ woman through—“

“I said enough!” He barks, stalking toward you. You can almost sense where it’s going. “Do not fucking talk about her.”

The two of you are toe to toe, now. Almost chin to chin. 

Plump lips smirk, raising the knife to rest over the placket of his shirt. Slowly, you lift it—glide it—toward his partly exposed chest.

“Why not?” Your qualm is tangled around a soft, dulcet whisper. Something that resembles comfort, almost. “You’re gonna kill me, anyway. So, what difference does it make—“

“All of the difference in the fucking world.”

You both still. Your arm drops, the blade resting against your side. Simply stunned.

“Sabrina.” Joel greets, stepping away from you. He makes his way toward the supreme, only stopping when he feels a hand tug him backward. He shrugs you off, though doesn’t dare to get any closer.

“Sabrina, I have this handled.” You—the youngest witch in the clan—plead, understanding what’s brewing.

What this means.

“Go back to Melissa.” Almost completely desperate, you state.. “She needs you—“

Sabrina’s gaze is penetrative. It seldom flickers away from Michael as you strive to reason with her. 

“She’s fine. Bloody, but fine.”

He snarls. He hadn’t succeeded with killing off the entire council quite yet.

But, with his rival before him, Joel cannot afford to waste any more of his most valuable time. 

“How did you think this would end?” Each syllable crushes you.

You can feel something ripping through flesh and bone as he shows absolutely no mercy.

“Prophecy is inevitable. I was always going to win. Miss Supreme.”

Sabrina looks between you two, watching your wounds weep and heart visibly shatter within the confines of a wickedly palpitating chest.

“Not on your own.” She exerts confidently, about to drive her claws as deep as they could possibly go. “You’ve been led by the hand, coddled the entire way. By your father, the warlocks.”

With each flying comment, Joel’s blood begins to boil. It bubbles, sputters like wildfire. But he has to take it.

Listening to what she has to say is the very fucking least that he can do.

“I look at you and I don’t see a man. I see a sad, scared, pathetic little boy so pathetic he couldn’t even kill me with a thousand fucking nuclear bombs.” 

“But I never expected to.” Almost instantly, he declares.

The depletion, the absolute fatigue riddling their bodies is painfully evident to you as you can do absolutely nothing aside from watch—and wait—for the ending that you have so desperately tried to put off.

“Like a cockroach, I knew you’d survive the nuclear fallout. I wanted you to.”

His fists clench, rings scraping against bloodied and bruised palms. Your cunt throbs—remembering when his knuckles were deep inside of you—but it’s not the right moment.  

He makes you fucking sick, now. 

“And now I’m gonna have the satisfaction of watching you die, knowing you failed.”

“She has not failed.” You speak up.“She will never fail, either. And when she dies, her legacy will live on for fucking ever. Which is a hell of a lot more than what can and will be said for you.”

He turns his head to heed the snark, the sheer irascible complacency written on your beautifully withered completion, and scoffs.

“The world is over, sweetheart.” Joel tells you. “When Sabrina dies, then so do all of you other witch bitches—“

“You still don’t get it, do you?” Fed up of exhausting the same point over and over, Sabrina rasps. “Even now. You think there’s only winning and losing, success and failure.”

Tears begin to brew, to roll downwards and toward the apples of her cheeks.

“But failure is when you’ve lost any semblance of hope.”

Your breath hitches, rhythm becomes sporadic.

“You will get to watch me die.” Says the supreme while her voice cracks, and Joel Miller watches her begin to crumble from the inside out. 

He’s enjoying it too much.

“But you won’t find it satisfying.” Sabrina finishes, snatching the bloodied knife from you. 

Her throat closes up, heart slows down.

“Satan has one son, but my sisters are legion, motherfucker.”

And before you have time to wrangle your thoughts, to produce a reaction, you’re watching as your supreme—the one woman that has cared for you since you embarked on that beautiful spiritual journey at Robichaux—plunges the blade straight into her heart.

“No. No—“ Unable to produce anything aside from a mere whisper, you rasp. 

Joel is just as shocked. Devastated, perhaps. Because he isn’t the one driving a dagger into Sabrina’s chest, or ripping her head from its place on her neck. It’s her. Just how he had feared from the start.

She’s gasping for air, but there’s a smirk creeping toward her face as she stumbles backward—fist perpetually curled around the blade protruding from her chest. 

“Sabrina…” You mumble, breath breaking into a sob as your supreme—your best friend—mouths I love you before falling—flights—toward the ground.

“No!” Joel yells, sprinting toward the ledge. “Fuck!”

But then your eyes light up. 

“You were never going to get the last laugh, Miller.” 

“It isn’t over.” He pants. His chest heaves as he watches blood ooze from the body that lay atop the concrete ground. “It is far from fucking over.”

He turns on his heels to see you there in the doorway, draped in black, somehow even more vibrant than when you arrived today. Your skin gleams, it glows and you smile because you are certainly aware of what will happen over the course of the next sixty seconds.

Sabrina is dead, so a new supreme must rise.

“It’s over, Joel.” Your nails dance along the crimson jacket, inching closer to his throat. “You failed to execute whatever the fuck it was that you had planned, and now its over.”

You’re teasing as always, stifling a wicked little snicker.

Joel wishes that he could fuck the smile from your face one last time. And maybe he will. When you’re both rotting in purgatory for eternity. 

“We had fun though, don’t you agree?’

“I thought you regretted it?” 

“I have only one regret in this life.” 

Licking your lips, Joel’s eyes search your face for an answer.

“And, tell me, what would that be?” His habitual cockiness returns for one final jab, though he is simply no match for you, now.

Your telekinetic energy—ardent power—is being put to the test once more, summoning that fucking knife from its residual position lodged between Sabrina’s ribs.

It flies into your grip—by the handle, this time.

“Not trying to kill you sooner.” You snort, thrusting the overworked knife into the toughest, hardest part of his spine and he drops to the floor.

Blood pours from his back, saturating the already red-stained blazer, and you’re simply unable to do anything aside from laugh. 

Because this is the end. It’s all over and fucking done with, now. 

And though—once upon a time—you enjoyed fucking his brains out, watching him die a slow, painful, death—at your hands—is a lot more satisfying. 

Will he end up coming back? Who knows. With the antichrist, anything is possible. But for now, you’re reveling in the idea that you—a mere witch bitch—is the reason for Joel’s unruly demise. 

You can’t help smiling as you get to the ground—hands on your knees—and rasp; “I’ll see you in another life, baby.”

[milgram-tournament]

MILGRAM Best Song Tournament, Round 2, Match 4 TEAR DROP vs. BACKDRAFT

Propaganda for both options under the cut!

Propaganda for TEAR DROP:

"yuno kashiki enthusiast here anyways tear drop propaganda WE BALL

let's start off with the lyrics! holy fuck, i'm so glad yuno finally got to say what she's wanted to say!!

and she fully shows the fact that she does compensated dating through the lyrics ("the wanted wanting the wanted")

and even if it sounds like she's scolding the audience for the song, she's also scolding her clients! they only perceive her as a certain type of character and deciding that's all she is. She's upset that we decided based on how "naïve" she looked instead of her actual crime (to be honest, I could write a whole analysis into why her murder is perfect for her character anywa) and she doesn't care what will happen to her, she needs her opinions heard

also kinda rap section?? banger fr

THE VISUALS!! GOOD LORD THE VISUALS!!! THEY ARE SO BANGER!!! they're really pretty and gosh i literally don't know what to say, the scene where vampire is in the background and it transitions to yuno sitting on her bed... the pink tinted glasses (YES FUCK I LOVE THAT MAN!!!!) THE COAT!! THOSE INBETWREN SCENES i'm obbing

AND THE INSTRUMENTAL!! PLEASE IM BEGGING YOU ALL LISTEN TO THE INSTRUMRNTAL OF HER SONG THERES SO MANY SMALL DETAILS!! SIRENS, TEAR DROPS RAHHH THE CLAPS/CLICKING TJE TECHNO PIANO GUITAR??? THE INSTRIMENTS I CANT NAME I THINK THEY ALL HAVE SOME READON OF BEING IN THE SONG AND I WILL FIND OUT IN AN ANAKYSIS POST I JUDT LOVE IT AUEUEU

literally tear drop is the banger ever i listen to this shit religiously thank you for listening to my tear drop propaganda"

---

-Yuno’s voice. Enough said. -The imagery in the MV is brilliantly used, and doesn’t shy away from the horrors of Yuno’s line of work. -Vampire cameo!!! -Almost Lo-Fi vibes to the instrumental?? I can’t really explain it but it’s a vibe and I’m 100% here for it,

---

"For teardrop: The pink aesthetic in the MV as a whole makes it super nice to look at :D"

Propaganda for BACKDRAFT:

"Backdraft may be a minute shorter than Bring It On, but it’s still over three minutes long, and it makes up for the lost minute with a complex form. The “Pressure! Pressure!” might be the only part that truly repeats.

At the beginning, Fuuta is showing off, acting cool. Then the music slows down as he ponders his verdict. Then the music picks up the pace again and gets more and more frantic as the consequences of his actions catch up to him.

See that structure in the three distinct verses that sound nothing like anything else in the song: cool, contemplative, and “oh no, what have I done”.

The “chorus” (burn burn!) never stays the same. You’ve got the “cool” first chorus. Then you have the muted second chorus as it sinks in that Fuuta’s victim was a middle-school girl, which leads into the tense final chorus (which is twice as long as the first) as the victim and Fuuta both burn.

The instrumental and the spoken-word from the beginning combine in the end, changing the mood of the stanza from confident and showy to panicked and desperate.

And the words… You can hear the wordplay in the last stanza, even if you don’t understand it.

Appreciate this chaotic masterpiece of a song."

---

- Fuuta being very cocky at first before realizing how fucked he is (it is kinda funny) - The use of spray cans and overall graffiti symbolism, it’s so good - The multiple eyes and people off camera showing how paranoid Fuuta has become, it’s really well done without being obvious - The name backdraft meaning when a fire deprived of oxygen gets a sudden influx of it. A kind of metaphor for what Fuuta did. Then it being shown through a spray can explosion, aaaa it’s really cool! - Fuuta’s overall look changing, being more realistic on how he actually looks contrasting Bring It On’s idealistic version of himself - Es at the end!! The only time Es shows up in a prisoner’s MV!!! And they looks so damn cool - Also the entire eye thing referencing the audience, he perceives us lmfao

---

"Back draft is incredible because it not only has great visual symbolism with the use of the spray cans but its visual symbolism shows a progression from ‘Bring it on’. In ‘Bring it on’ the channelling is glorious , fuuta is surrounded by people and fuuta idealised himself (taller , better teeth , better posture ect) , the people he cancelled were portrayed as these powerful rpg monsters but now in back now the channelling is portrayed as vandalism a crime as destructive , the ally is empty we only ever see others as hands or his victim fuuta is alone and fuuta is no longer idealising his appearance and his mind is now portraying his victim as a harmless cutesy drawing. This shows a change in how fuuta views his crime between T1 and T2. It wasn’t glorious, it wasn't justified , he was at fault. The fire being recontextsied as something out of control , all consuming and out of control which is the opposite of how it was portrayed in ‘Bring it on’ we really see how the vote has changed fuuta."

"There are so many things in the song that show a progression "

-“ deliciously scorched till your mouth waters” > “I don’t want any more”

-fuuta spray paints the camera hen as the end es spray paints him/the camera

-the pressure graffiti changing

"There’s so many interesting details like the applause towards the start of the song , the personality in the subtitles like them going from “Burn , burn!” To “burn , burn?” But the pressure’s punctuation mark stayed the same:   “pressure , pressure!” , the way FIRE is the only word in full caps till LIES. The thumbs down fuuta does during “the fights up here! Come up to the ring and face me!” Part which is like his T1 art , the way the lighting changes from green towards the start and becomes red by the end (stop go colours) , The way fuuta is constantly interacting with the camera , spray painting it twice and kicking it."

"Backdraft actually makes amazing use of the camera , things are often shown from the (camera)audience’s perspective rather than us seeing the events removed. We are there like we are the ones doing it/looking through the eyes of the person doing it. When fuuta/the others spray paint the graffiti of his victim and the ice gorilla it's from the audience’s perspective , we don’t see them do it, we see it like we are doing it. When the spraypaint can explodes it's like it’s exploding in our face and then when es spray paints fuuta at the end they are spray painting the camera(audience). "

"Backdraft makes the most references to the voting system and uses it well to make the audience re-examine if they really are any different. Aren’t we using little information and inferences to hold people accountable for crimes we have no stake in? Aren’t we causing unintended harm? Aren’t we judging them from the safety of our screens? "

"And on a more silly level"

-ARTHUR CONANT GOES SO HARD IN THE VOCALS!!!! COME ON LISTEN TO BURN BURN AND TELL ME THIS MAN ISN’T GIVING IT HIS ALL!

-cat mouth fuuta :3 how can you not love cat mouth fuuta?

-lowpolydog designed amazing graffiti 

[giddlygoat]

bro, your hyperfixation thoughts. hand em over

dave and buck are so special to me and here’s why.

in my now quite elaborate and maybe far removed perception of ttcc that is a melting pot of headcanons, i see dave and buck in a very specific light.

they are both here to waste company time. no way either of them are in agreement with the toon war. the way i think of it goes as follows: buck’s fight, for example, is undeniably just that, a fight. he is trying to beat you. he can’t exactly stand between toons and goons and go “hey fellath why don’t we talk it out?” lol. the fight is inevitable, because if he doesn’t do his job he’d get demoted or fired, which would take away any shred of power he had to begin with and render him effectively useless in doing anything about the war.

so what does he do instead? well, i can’t name another boss who has a chance of dropping items on their own team, much less raining jellybeans on the enemy. maybe that’s because my overall knowledge of ttcc is embarrassingly sparse, but i feel the need to point that out.

buck doesn't take anything seriously. he goofs around, turns the battle into a joke. i can’t tell you how much i laughed in my first fight with him, and that’s before i formed any solid ideas about him. he stands out to me because of that. i think he wants to give toons something to smile about, if they’ve gotta fight. if you can’t join ‘em, be a good sport, right?

and dave. oh man, dave! his beginning cutscene is LITERALLY a bunch of goons offering to punch your daylights out in order to get the fight over with, and what does he do? nah, he offers you onstage, gives you a fair fight. makes it into a show. dave isn’t taking this seriously either. he’s a tough hard hitter, but he didn’t instantly wipe you out for a reason. hell, he even fakes his death in the middle of the battle just for shits and giggles. he’s trying to dazzle, to give everyone a good story.

shall i recount the ending cutscene when you beat dave? it actually blows my mind again every time i see it. he offers congratulations in his defeat, respects a good brawl. he even gives you the rose in what may be the single hottest display of robot whimsy on this planet.

buck and dave both know how uncertain times are. they both understand the role they play in this war, and although they’re just cogs in the machine, they know how to feign some rustiness for the toon’s sake.

now as if all that weren’t enough, what can i possibly say about high roller that i haven’t already said a million times. high roller’s high roller, the game show that clowns on itself, the host that dishes out dizzying fun at the drop of a hat! like, is hr trying to get fired??

nothing about the show says ‘cog etiquette’. the whole event screams rebellion, like some sort of impossible, law-defying piano man. what do toons even stand to accomplish by showing up other than having a good time? the theatre is literally full of all kinds of managers and they do nothing. it was never about defeating anyone, it’s about finding a bit of joy in the worst of times. sure, hr loves to win, but she doesn’t particularly like to see others lose.

once you defeat hr, just like that, show’s over. the audience comprised entirely of enemies stays seated, and the toons skedaddle. i don’t know how one could possibly spin this into something truly competitive.

it fascinates me endlessly and i always have more to say about it but i have other things to do today so i have to tear away from the keyboard lawl.

thanks a million times for letting me ramble anon, it means a lot!

[tojiscrack]

in honor of the new soano chapter- my thoughts

I AM GAGGED THIS IS SO GOOD

FIRST OF ALL- MALAKAI FROM LIAR LIAR UNIVERSE HOPPING INTO SOANO?? HILARIOUS. I DIDNT KNOW THIS WAS POSSIBLE, BUT HES EVEN WORSE HERE LMFAOOOO

Y/N HAS BEED HAUNTING SHADIS EVEN WHILE HE WAS GONE😭😭 HE IS TREMBLING OVER THE SOUND OF HER VOICE.

i actually also love the fact that y/n is so iconic in this so here's a list

- shadis, badis, madis, and kadis

- forcing jean's lookalike to eat peas

- LITERALLY PUNCHING BORIS, HELLO??

- scheming with hange after running away(for the first, but definitely not last, time)

- "remember me?"

- insulting erwins eyebrows😭

- pulling a turn around on badis after LOCKING HIM IN THE WOMENS BATHROOM??????

- drawing flowers instead of answering the math problem

- LITERALLY DITCHING HER GROUP TO RUN AWAY LMFAO

- actually befriending malakai😨

- convincing everyone that the schedule had changed

and saving the best for last,

- "OH SHADIIISSSS!!, guess who's baaack"

i probably forgot to write a few down but i hope ur happy with this list😈

i loved the new chapter so much like i actually was kicking my feet and giggling from the shenanigans ilysm pls never die i actually wish i could smooch u bc this was beautiful 😔😔🙏

start of a new obsession masterlist here:

I’M SURPRISED YOU’RE STILL READING IT? 😭 HAHAHA STOP ILY

MALAKAI ORIGINATED IN LIAR, LIAR BUT WILL BE IN EVERY UNIVERSE OF EVERY STORY I WRITE 😭 him and y/n will meet a millions times. and yes, he’s 10000x worse here and it’s actually like that for a reason — in aot’s universe, they don’t exactly have much to lose. we don’t know much about how their jobs work and stuff. all we know is that if you have a criminal record, it stays. if you’ve done something incredibly grave, it stays (as seen with eren and mikasa’s murder crimes committed at 9 years old LMAO). but we notice that even with that, eren was able to join the cadet corps and even ended up ranking 5th before joining the scouts. so, malakai truly has nothing to lose when he goes feral 💀

please you basically just summarised the entire chapter DKMMM 😭😭 i had sm fun writing it for the few readers that are actually invested despite how little traction it gets. soano will always be my favourite to actually write simply bcz of how much crack it consists of.

had to make her punch boris cuz he was so annoying when i watched him in the ova. she’s doing what i wanted to do so badly. and her friends will understand why she ran off 😭 they know her well despite only knowing her for a week.

y/n in liar, liar, despite the way she acts with malakai, sees him as a friend. it’s the same thing in the soano verse. y/n and malakai 🤝 being a chaotic duo in every universe.

miffysmittens, i wait for ur notifs EVERY time. i’m gonna mwah both of your cheeks, i wake up in the morning for you, don’t YOU ever die 😤‼️

[staliaz]

What is your favorite Malia moment and what is your favorite Stalia moment?

Hi, thanks for the ask and sorry for taking so long to respond!

Favorite Malia Tate moment

“ I want my family back. ”

I really love this scene and Malia’s character development in s5 was truly amazing. How she was able to handle the trauma because of the loss of her family and find strength in fighting back her biological mother and defeating her was truly beautifully written, Malia was hurt being told she was seen as a parasite, as someone who was a burden and took her powers away. Imagine how fucked up it is to know the car crash was planned so she gets killed and everyone she ever loved died instead and you are the only survivor... and she transformed without her will and almost ate her entire family. She blamed herself due to a fight they had and like the child she was, she said things over the line. And kept that to her and blamed herself for wishing they were all dead her entire life. It’s hurtful and Malia loving her family so much to the point her desire to get them back was able to help her fight back and win was definitely my favorite moment of hers.

Favorite Stalia moment

“I have a vision. It’s a beautiful vision.” / “What if Scott is my best friend now but he’s not my best friend for life? If I have already found the best people in my life, why am I not trying to just stay with them?” / “That’s why you wanted everyone here today. Because you don’t wanna lose all your friends after senior year.” / “And I hope they don’t wanna lose me either.”

I know the line is huge but it all of it is my fav. 5.01 is so special to me and it’s all Stalia centered in the most unique and beautiful way possible.

Stiles starts talking about the vision he has, he literally planned his entire life and thought that vision was beautiful and wanted it to last for life.

He was hesitant to talk about it but Malia, like always, treats Stiles like a priority and always reaches out to him to ask how he is and what’s wrong. So he started talking about how he asked Noah (the Sheriff) how many people he still talks about from when he was in high school, “none. not a single one.” Stiles was so afraid of that happening to him he spoke to Malia about what if Scott was his best friend now but not his best friend for life, Malia told him that just happens sometimes and Stiles emphasized how it only does because they let it happen. And this is were I truly fall for them and thought their relationship was truly stronger than just a teenage love that wouldn’t last. Stiles says; “If I have already found the best people in my life, why am I not trying to just stay with them, you know?” He didn’t want to separate himself from any of them and was only able to open his heart up about this with his girlfriend, Malia. He is always so at ease when talking to her it comes naturally when he tells her stuff he cannot tell anybody else and he made it clear he didn’t want to let that happen and lose touch with them. Malia understood that and told him “that’s why you wanted everyone here today, because you don’t wanna lose all your friends after senior year.” and Stiles’ face, gah, he has that expression that says; “Yes that’s exactly what I’m feeling.” because it was so hard for him to straight up say it and Malia did and that means they really do understand each other. Malia knew about his vision and called it a dream by mistake and Stiles thought she was mocking it but in actuality Malia loved the vision, and she, just as much as he, wanted to be in it. “I-I like the vision, especially if I’m part of it.” the stuttering and how she came closer to him to make sure he knows she doesn’t mock it and actually likes it is so precious, Stiles looks at her with the most loving eyes ever and caresses her arm nodding at her being so supportive of his most wanted desire. They end their beautiful conversation with a kiss after Stiles responds to Malia’s conclusion about his feelings and fear of losing his friends after graduation with; “And I hope they don’t wanna lose me either.” so Malia knew Stiles was actually talking about HER at that moment and she smiled blinking her eyes and looking at him with the same loving look he gave her and kissing in the rain.

Stiles and Malia were always there for each other, always. They were each other’s safe place and were madly in love with one another. They made plans on spending the rest of their lives together and Stiles wanted Malia in his vision as his girlfriend. A beautiful vision with her and his friends. It’s just so genuine and sweet which truly anything that contradicts Stiles’ vision is out of character and it isn’t even bias. Stiles couldn’t be anymore clearer about what he wants and it was crystal clear Malia wanted just the same.

[the-ragingenby]

I saw your post about requests - could you write something Reid x Morgan where Reid trusts Morgan enough to be vulnerable around him? Maybe involving anxiety or autism?

I’m not quite certain what possessed me to write this in a few hours, but tada. Also, this isn’t beta read, so I apologize for any mistakes (I really need to find a beta reader :’))

Edit: Cross posted to my AO3, if you prefer to read it there.

Spoilers for: Season 6 and 7 of Criminal Minds. 

Triggers: Mentions of schizophrenia, brief mention of prior substance abuse.

Infinitesimal 

“Reid? Are you…okay?” Reid jerked himself out of his thoughts at Morgan’s soft voice. He couldn’t find the energy to reply, so he just nodded. “Reid, I know losing JJ to the Pentagon was tough, but the team needs your brilliant mind to be at its best. If you want to take a few days off or…” 

“I don’t need any time off.” Reid felt himself growing irritated, though he wasn’t quite sure why. Maybe it was because Morgan couldn’t understand how he truly felt, nor could he bring himself to explain. My feelings are not his problem. “I’m fine. Yeah. I’m good,” Reid drew in a shaky breath, willing himself to relax. “Just tired.” 

Morgan frowned, but Reid had no will to bother continuing this particular charade. “Conference room in five.” Hotchner called, shuffling through files in his hands. Reid took the opportunity to duck away from Morgan’s attention and slide into the conference room, readying himself to listen to the case, with or without JJ. 

Though he sat in silence, the room couldn’t have felt more loud. Now, Reid wasn’t one for taking metaphors literally, but he truly felt trapped in his own head. JJ was willing to listen to Reid, even when he was complaining about Morgan and his constant shenanigans, which came up more often than he’d liked.

But she was willing to listen. And that’s what mattered to him.

“Reid.” Reid was dragged out of his thoughts once more, this time by Hotchner. 

“R-right, um, arsonists are typically white males between 17 and 25 who can't stay away from fire. And they target dwellings, not people.” Reid explained. He was acutely aware of the concerned glance from Morgan, but willed himself to ignore it in favor of continuing to build the profile.

His feelings could wait to be dealt with another day. But for now, he needed to help his team track down this unsub. 

~

The case ended up being simpler than expected, and with no undue bloodshed. Meaning that he and his team were able to bring the unsub into custody alive. Which was a nice change of pace, even for this job. But barely being able to stop the unsub from setting an entire house ablaze, all from jealousy and desperation did nothing to calm Reid’s nerves.

Now, anxiety is nothing to sniff at, Reid knew that better than anyone. But he also knew he couldn’t trust anyone else. After JJ left, he couldn’t bring himself to confide in anyone. Not even Morgan. In fact, that was the last thing he wanted to do. 

Reid felt something for Morgan. Maybe he’d admit he even felt a sliver of affection for the man, if his thoughts caught him off guard. And that was exactly why he couldn’t talk to Morgan about his problems. Anyone he cared for ended up leaving, or getting hurt or worse. He didn’t want that for Morgan. I’m protecting him. I’m doing him a favor. It’s better off this way, really. 

Though he thought these things, in his heart, he couldn’t really believe them to be true. 

Reid felt worked to the bone, and when he arrived at his apartment, it was just past three in the morning. He didn’t quite feel like taking the subway, instead opting the walk all the way home. Maybe it was impractical, but he needed the fresh air. One way or another, he needed to clear his head before it started affecting his work life. 

He froze when he walked up the flight of stairs to his apartment. Morgan, Derek Morgan, sat hunched over beside the door, idly scrolling through his phone. At Reid’s approach, Morgan looked up. “Pretty boy.” He murmured. “You look like a wreck.” Reid’s mouth twitched with what he felt was a mixture of amusement and annoyance. 

“What are you doing here, Morgan?” Reid asked with a sigh, stepping past the agent to unlock the door. As much as he usually enjoyed Morgan’s teasing, he was really not in the mood. 

“Answering with a question, huh? I’ll have to make a note of that.” Morgan chuckled to himself, inviting himself inside and locking the door behind Reid. His expression lost its seriousness, instead showing soft concern. 

“Did Hotch put you up to this or something? Because I’m fine. Really. Losing JJ isn’t something that’s going to send me spiraling into using dilaudid again. I learned my lesson and am fighting that battle every day. But its gotten easier with time, so you can go and tell Hotch that, word for word.” Reid noted that he probably could have been more tactful with his words, but he’d already said them, so what could he do? 

Morgan frowned again, then awkwardly cleared his throat. “I actually came here of my own volition, Reid.” He moved to sit on the couch, patting the space beside him. Reid stifled a sigh and sat next to Morgan, keeping a reasonable distance between them. “We’re worried about you, Spence. I’m worried. I know how close you and JJ were. I know that I’m not her, but if you need someone to talk to that isn’t, y’know, our boss, I’m here.”

And for a moment, just one fleeting moment, Reid wanted to believe him. But his thoughts caught up with him. What if he’s just saying that, so he can leave you too? Once you confide in him, the rest of the team will be sure to know within days. Can he really keep a secret? Reid shook his head at Morgan’s sentiments. “I’m alright, Morgan. I’ll be much better tomorrow. Promise.” Reid winced as he heard the rasp in his voice, and swallowed hard. 

“Reid.” Just from Morgan’s tone, Reid could tell that he didn’t believe his half-hearted reply. But really, what was he expecting? “I’m a profiler, same as you. If you want to lie, you’re going to have to do a better job than that.” Reid almost managed a laugh, but instead it came out as a dry huff. 

“Morgan, I’m really sorry, but I’m exhausted and I just need to rest. I’ll be fine in the morning.” Morgan raised an eyebrow, then glanced at the clock on the wall before letting out a defeated sigh. 

“Yeah, yeah. You’re right. Sorry for keeping you up, pretty boy. Sleep well, okay?” Morgan pushed himself off the couch and headed for the door. Reid, now feeling guilty, stopped him.

“Listen, it’s late and I’m assuming you drove here. If you want, and you totally don’t have to, you can spend the night here. Actually, I’d prefer it. Driving at these early hours without much sleep and driving a dark-colored vehicle is just a disaster waiting to happen-” 

“Reid,” Morgan cut him off before he could continue. “I know you’re right. So long as you don’t mind, and if it’ll make you feel a little better, then I know I’m doing my job right.” Morgan lifts his go-bag, which Reid didn’t even register when Morgan had walked into the apartment. “I’ll change in the morning. Now, really, get some rest, Spence.” 

Reid had to will himself from pestering Morgan any further and disappeared into his bedroom, leaving Morgan to fend for himself on the couch. He probably should’ve offered a blanket or pillow or something, but Morgan’s been here before, so he could find anything he really needed. A wave of exhaustion rolled over Reid, lulling him to sleep before he could even think to take off his shoes. 

The next morning, Morgan gives Reid a ride to work and their uneventful night together was not brought up again. 

~

“We believe our unsub is a white male paranoid schizophrenic who suffers from hallucinations.” Hotcher said, briefing the Portland Police Department on their newest unsub. “Since schizophrenic breaks usually occur in your early 20s, we believe he's around this age and that he lives nearby.We think this unsub is hypervigilant, and in this condition, he's unable to travel very far from his home.” 

Reid sat on an unused desk as he listened, trying very hard to avoid Morgan’s almost insistent attempts at eye contact. Everyone on the team knows how he feels about schizophrenia, considering he is genetically inclined to have it, and especially because his mother has it. It makes him nervous, even just thinking about it. And yet, he’s sitting here and listening as a serial killer is a possible schizophrenic. Could that happen to me? Am I just a few years away from experiencing what this man is going through? I…I don’t want that.

No matter what kind of logical spin Reid tried to put on things, his mind just wouldn’t accept it. He was so lost in his own head, and avoiding Morgan’s gaze, that he almost missed his queue to speak. But instead, it was Morgan, covering for him. He, of all people, knows how he feels about the subject, and Reid couldn’t help but feel a little relieved, though he couldn’t shake the nagging feeling that he was letting the team down with these stupid feelings. 

The second they were finished, Reid stood and disappeared to the bathroom. He didn’t need to use it, per say, but maybe if he washed his face and just took a few moments to himself, he could get his head back in the game.

As he dried his face, he noticed Morgan walking in behind him, his expression a mixture of worry and something else that Reid couldn’t quite make out. Affection, maybe? Or was it pity. Surely, it was the latter. It was the only thing that made any sense. “You know, that profile kind of makes it sound like schizophrenia leads to serial killing.” Reid said flatly, eyeing Morgan.

“That’s not what we said at all, Reid.” Morgan murmured. Though it was defensive, he wasn’t angry or annoyed, he was just trying to understand. At least, that's how he sounded. How could Reid be sure if he really meant it at all, or if he was just playing him for a fool. 

“You know, my mom has schizophrenia. There are many different types.” Reid continued, not quite sure where he was going with this. 

“I know.” Morgan replied, as patient as ever. Which was something else that Reid found odd. Even when he was going on and on about something that no one else would have interest in, Morgan found it in himself to listen and put up with it all. 

“Catatonic, disorganized…” Reid paused for a moment to draw in a shaky breath. “Just because someone suffers from inability to organize their thoughts or they can't bathe or dress themselves, it doesn't mean they'd stab someone in the chest 30 times postmortem.

“Alright, Reid. What’s really going on?” Morgan asked softly, carefully. As though just one wrong word would send Reid crashing down into the bottomless pit of his thoughts. 

“Our unsub's hallucinations aren't fractured like a typical schizophrenic. They're vivid and clear, leading me to believe that we're missing an important variable. Rather than making crazy conjectures, I think we should be trying to figure out what it is.” Reid felt himself speaking faster. If they were making a mistake, then maybe they could change the profile and save their unsub before anything else happened. Hell, it’d make Reid feel better. At least, he hoped so. 

“Ok, listen to me.” Morgan raised his hand to Reid’s face, forcing the profiler to look up at him from where he leaned against the bathroom sink. “I know this is a scary age for you. It's when schizophrenic breaks happen. Have you talked to anybody about this?”

Reid froze, unsure of whether to lean into Morgan’s touch or duck away. In his indecision, Morgan pulled his hand away, perhaps suddenly aware of what he’d done, and simply waited on Reid’s reply. “Uh, Emily.” That much was true. He was speaking to Prentiss about his issues on occasion. She was the last agent Reid would expect to suddenly drop out of nowhere. Even so, he’s kept most of his concerns to himself. It really wasn’t right to dump all his problems onto her. 

But then, she was gone. JJ had come back for a bit, sure, but now both she and Prentiss were gone, with the latter gone forever. The funeral was rough, and Reid felt like he’ll never truly recover from losing two teammates in such a short time. “Have you seen a doctor?” Morgan asked, pulling Reid from his thoughts once again. 

“They all say I’m fine.” Reid replied, softly. Morgan hesitantly raises his hand again, this time letting his fingers card through Reid’s now short hair. 

“Then why don’t you believe them?” Morgan murmured, pulling the profiler ever so slightly closer. 

“Because predicting one's chances of developing a genetic condition are like finding a penny in an ocean. I have terrible headaches. I can't sleep at night. I can't focus on our cases. I only read 5 books last week.” Reid finally gave in, gently leaning into Morgan’s soothing touch, allowing himself to relax for the first time in weeks.

“Come on, Spence, you gotta cut yourself some slack. You're also depressed about Prentiss, and I get it…we all are. Reid, I miss her every day. But if your mind was splitting, do you really think you'd be able to figure out that this team is missing a variable?” Morgan sounded impressed. Even through his heartache, maybe Reid was useful after all. But he couldn’t let himself get too carried away. 

“I’m just speculating that we are. I need to prove it.” Reid resolved, pulling away from Morgan and leaning up from the bathroom sink.

“Ok, then you do that.” Morgan’s serious let’s-get-down-to-business expression dissipated once more, the softness that Reid had grown so fond of returning with full force. “The moment you are wandering around the streets aimlessly, that's when I'll be concerned about you. Come on, pretty boy. Let's get to work.” 

Even at times like these, Morgan still found it in him to tease Reid. And right now, there’s nothing he appreciates more. 

~

As it turns out, Reid was right. When they caught up with the unsub, despite his apprehension, Reid went into the building to speak with him, while ensuring he had backup. He needed to save those kids, no matter what. They were innocent. 

Reid’s attempt to talk the unsub down seemed to be effective at first, but then he charged at Reid with a knife clutched in his hand. At that moment, Reid froze, unsure of whether to dive off to the side or try to wrestle with the unsub or-

His thoughts were disrupted by a gunshot and the unsub fell to the floor. With wide eyes, Reid met Morgan’s steady gaze. Morgan yelled for a medic into his mic and rushed over to the unsub, whilst holstering his gun. 

Morgan saved Reid once again. Reid felt overwhelming gratitude, but the feeling of uselessness only deepened. Sure, he was right about the missing variable, but he couldn’t even talk down the unsub to avoid getting him hurt. 

On the plane, Reid’s mind still drifted back to the unsub. With all his heart, he hoped he would make it through the night. He wanted this unsub, Ben, to make a full recovery. Even after everything he did, Reid still felt that Ben deserved another shot at life. “You were amazing in there, Reid.” Morgan whispered, leaning into Reid’s space and resting his head on Reid’s shoulder. 

“I could’ve died, if it wasn’t for you, Morgan.” Reid sighed, not at all opposed to the touch. Maybe it should have made him a little nervous, but he felt at ease. Just the feeling of Morgan’s presence was enough to quiet down his thoughts enough to be able to listen to that logical side of himself, which was often silenced in exchange for overthinking every single little thing. 

“But you didn’t, sweetheart. You did so good. And I’m proud of you.” Morgan insisted. Reid wanted to argue, but maybe, just maybe, Morgan was right. And maybe Reid could be proud of himself too. 

~

Prentiss was in fact not dead. And JJ decided to return to the team. Reid’s mind could not keep up with these revelations, so much so that he decided to take a few days off of work. If he couldn’t keep himself from bursting into tears (of either frustration or sadness, depending on his mood) every time he saw either of them, how was he supposed to be of any help on cases?

To his relief, Hotchner did not question him about his request for time off, insisting that, “You are more than entitled to a few days off, Reid. If there’s anything at all I can do for you, don’t hesitate to let me know.” 

And that was it. Reid was now lounging at home, his thoughts threatening to overwhelm him with what-if scenarios and the anger he felt that neither Prentiss nor JJ felt that they could let him in on what was going on behind the scenes. After everything he trusted the both of them with, it felt like an ultimate betrayal. 

Later that evening, he receives texts from every member of the team, except Morgan. Which in and of itself was worrying. After everything Morgan’s said and done over the last few weeks, it had seemed to Reid that maybe there was the slimmest of slim chances that Morgan wanted more to do with Reid than he let on. 

But then again, maybe Reid was just reading too far into things, as per usual. Instead of focusing on that, he decided to read over the texts, just to be certain they weren’t important. 

JJ: Reid, I’m really sorry about everything that happened, but I had to do it to protect Prentiss. I know it hurt you, and I’m sorry. Please, write back when you can. 

Prentiss: Look, Spencer, I’m really sorry about all of this and I’ll try my best to make it up to you, I promise.

Hotch: If there’s anyone you should be upset with, it’s me. Please try not to be too upset with Emily or JJ. They were just doing what they had to. 

Rossi: I heard you took some time off. Take care of yourself, kid, and let us know if you need anything. 

Garcia: heya boy wonder. hopefully youre okay and all that. if you ever wanna talk youre best friend and pal garcia is always here for you. and i also totally didnt send morgan over to check on you haha.

Now that last one was jarring. Morgan at his apartment? Again? Reid wasn’t sure his heart could take it, especially after all these signals that Morgan might be sending and Reid just couldn’t read them right. Just as he was contemplating escaping to the bookstore, there was a knock at his door. “Reid, Spence, open up. Please.” 

Reid thought about ignoring the door and leaving Morgan out there. But he knew that Morgan would just break down the door, especially if he knew Reid was home. Sometimes, there was really no escaping the man. Begrudgingly, Reid trudged to the door and unlocked, letting Morgan in without a greeting and flopping back onto the couch where he had laid, sulking. 

“Is this what you’ve been doing all day, pretty boy?” Morgan chuckled, closing the door behind himself and settling onto the couch as though he lived there. Reid grunted and rolled over, not wanting to look Morgan in the eyes. If he were to do that, he wasn’t sure he could keep himself from crying. Morgan leaned over and gently maneuvered Reid’s head into his lap, petting soothingly at his hair. “I know that…you don’t want to confide in me too much because you’re afraid I’ll just disappear too. Isn’t that right?” 

Reid swallowed hard. He supposed he wasn’t doing a great job of hiding it, but it was easier this way, wasn’t it? “I-” Reid began, but he choked on a sob before he could continue. “I was just so afraid of losing all of you, and then it actually happened and I didn’t know what to do and I just felt like everyone I turned to was ripped away from me in the worst way possible and I cared about you the most and if you were to leave I don’t know what I would’ve done. Because…I think I love you and if I had to let that go too, I don’t think it would be easy for me to love again…or trust anyone again…if I ever bothered to even do those things.” Reid trailed off, leaning up to wipe his tears.

“Oh, pretty boy. Sweetheart.” Morgan pulled Reid into a tight hug, rubbing his back slowly, drawing meaningless patterns against his skin. “God, shit, can I be honest with you? I think it's something you need to hear.” Reid felt his heart clench with fear, but nodded anyway. “I’ve loved you since I met you, pretty boy. You and your brilliant mind. I love how you always have an answer, even when it's a snippy retort. I like those best, actually. I could listen to you talk for hours on end. Your voice is just so…so nice.”

“You…don’t actually mean all that, right?” Reid finally laughed, pulling away and drying his tears with his sleeve. “I mean, you’re you. And I’m just…me.” As much as Reid wanted Morgan’s words to be true, he couldn’t just accept it like that. After all, maybe he was just saying those things to make him feel better. 

At that, Morgan took Reid’s face in his hands and gently squeezed his cheeks. “You are so stubborn, baby.” But Morgan’s voice was full of affection and adoration, none of the annoyance that Reid had thought he’d heard all those months ago. Morgan wanted Reid for himself, and that was that. He was special to Morgan. He was important. And he mattered. That was much more than Reid could have ever asked, or even hoped for. 

They sat like that for a while, Reid squishing himself into Morgan’s space, cuddling him tightly as though he were going to disintegrate were he to let go. “Are you ready to talk to me now?” Morgan asked softly, not at all pushy. But Reid was ready now. All this time, Morgan had wanted Reid to confide in him, but he kept pushing Morgan away. Not anymore. Morgan wanted to hear how Reid felt, and really cared about it. So Reid explained.

He told Morgan everything, from the first time he realized his feelings all those years ago and had pushed them down, not knowing what to do with them. How Reid felt when he confided in JJ and Prentiss, and they both left then returned as though nothing had happened. And how he was scared for his future, afraid of whether he may end up like his mother or Ben, but Morgan gave him the confidence he needed to overcome these fears and face situations as they come. 

~

Later that evening, the team gets a group text from Rossi inviting them over for an impromptu cooking lesson. Reid glances at Morgan, who was dozing lightly on the couch. “Did, uh, Garcia send you here? And Rossi is inviting us all over for a cooking lesson. So I assume that’s got something to do with me too.” Morgan smiled gently and planted a soft kiss on Reid’s head, running his fingers through Reid’s hair once more. 

“I chose to come here. Garcia, she helped me figure some things out about myself, which only added to my haste to get here. I didn’t want to keep these feelings to myself any longer, and I figured you needed to know. And maybe I’d get you to let me understand what goes on in that brain of yours.” Morgan teasingly poked at Reid’s forehead, earning himself a playful glare from Reid. “As for Rossi, we were all worried about you, especially JJ and Prentiss. We just want you to know that you are not alone. Especially me. Because I love you, Dr. Spencer Reid, just as you are. The team wouldn’t be the same without you.”

Reid couldn’t help the smile that crossed his face. It was a foreign feeling, he felt like he hadn’t smiled, like really truly smiled, for ages. And of course it was Morgan that coaxed this feeling out of him. The peaceful, blissful, content, happiness. He always knew it had to be Morgan, but his thoughts just wouldn’t let him admit it. “Then, do you want to go together? Assuming you drove here again.” Reid asked, though he felt that he already knew the answer. 

Morgan smiled sweetly, burying his face into Reid’s soft hair for a moment before pulling away. “Of course, pretty boy.”

As they headed to Rossi’s place, Reid finally came to this realization: fighting these battles alone would never result in satisfactory victories, but knowing for certain that he had at least one person in his corner, Morgan, gave him the strength and courage to keep fighting, no matter what. 

[thegreatarlecchina]

Chapter 2 suckas! Link to Ch 1 here: https://www.tumblr.com/thegreatarlecchina/718252328860483584/its-clown-time-bois

EDIT: Y’all I did a stoopid and printed the last few paragraphs twice. That should be fixed now.

Suddenly a soft “Hullo Luv.” echoed from behind them. Kyonia turned to see Mirage giving them a shy wave. Mirage was dressed head to toe in an adorable scarecrow costume. It had a brownish-red top with pants clearly meant to imitate woven straw. Their face was painted a pumpkin orange with yellow glow paint and shimmering gold eyeshadow around their eyes and mouth. Their hair had little bits of hay strewn about in it and overall they looked like a cutie patootie. “Oh, Mirage! I didn't see you there!” They exclaimed. Mirage had a tendency to sneak up on people without knowing it; for a 6ft 150 lb hunk of metal, that bot was very quiet. “Ready for the show M?” Kyn inquired, noticing Mirage somewhat stress stimming with their hair. “Oh me? Yes-well um just a bit nervous luv. Nuffin to worry about…” They mumbled. Kyonia gave a skeptical look as Mirage turned away from their gaze, instead focusing on the ground. ��Somthin bothering you friend? Pre-show jitters maybe?” Kyonia asked, softening their tone. It wasn't unusual for Mirage to be a bit shy now and again, but for the most part they loved performing. “It’s just that- well…um, you see… I um…” Mirage tapered off, clearly frustrated at their own inability to articulate their feelings. “Its ok bud! Take your time. If somethings upsetting you, me and Quinn wanna help!” Kyn reassured the bot. Taking a moment to gather themselves, Mirage began again. “Well you see luv, Ery really wanted to be here and watch… b-but she’s not part’o the act y'know. And I-i don’t want her to get hurt or nuffin backstage so I had to leave her in my room. But now I’m thinkin she might get lonely wiffout me…”. Kyn took some time to take in all that Mirage had said. They knew it took a lot for Mirage to feel comfortable sharing something like this so they took a second to respond, delicately they replied, “Don’t worry M! I’m sure she understands, you can’t be everywhere at once. Besides, she has Pierrot and Colombina to keep her company!” The Jester seemed unconvinced for a bit until Kyn added, “Oh! I’m pretty sure one of the techies is gonna record the whole show for one of our new advertisements! I can get you a copy and you can show Ery then!” At this the bot perked up, “I’m sure she’d love to see that! Thanks a bunch luv!” Mirage smiled brightly before being called over by Quinn for their check. Now if they could just find Zavy… “Hey best friend!” Chimed a jubilant voice as Kynonia was quite literally swept off their feet. “Woah! Warn me next time bud!” Kyn chuckled as the darn near 10ft robot twirled them around. The lanky bot finally set Kyn down, giving them a chance to look at the costume Zavy had on. It was a truly beautiful display of color, beginning with a black based suit coat splattered with a vivid mixture of neon pinks and purples with an orange dress shirt underneath. In place of his conical clown hat was a small decorated top hat; hot glued to a sequined headband. He had bracelets with various voodoo-like charms and a necklace to match as well as vibrant face paint meant to resemble a calavera. “So how do I look?” Zavy remarked smugly as he struck a pose. Kyn chuckled, Zavy was such a goofball but he was their goofball. “So are you gonna stay and watch the show? Quinn said it was your first time and I’m so so SO excited for you to see me out there!” Zavy shared, doing excited stims with his bottom set of hands. “Dee and Helia are in the crowd, but me and Quinn are gonna be in the wings in case you need us. Don’t worry though we’ll still be able to watch!” Kyonia explained before being approached by Quinn. “Ready for final checks Zav?” Quinn cut in while prepping his tools. “You know it!” Zavy practically sang, somewhat bouncing on his heels. Quinton gave Zavy a fairly quick check while chatting with Kyonia and the other bots. “...Too bad Mirage’s costume has to burn off. I thought it was really cute.” Quinn thought out loud while giving Zavy his final once over. “What was that best friend?” Zavy questioned practically doing a 180 to face Quinton. (Who was working from the back)

“You didn't know? Mirage is doing Diabolo fuega. Their costume burning off is part of the act.” Quinn stated quizzically. Zavy’s eyes darted around the room scanning for the others' reactions, trying to hide the anxiety that plagued his sensory system. He stemmed anxiously as he forced the words, “No… I-I did Not know that… Cool!” He chuckled nervously, Quinn and the others didn’t seem to notice but as Quinn began to move towards one of the sets to ensure that everything was in tiptop shape, Kyn pulled Zavy to the corner of the room.``Zavy, is everything ok? You seem tense, what’s wrong?''They whispered while rubbing the back of his hand with their thumb. “O-oh, N-nothing’s wrong best friend, nothing's wrong at all, everything's fine… just fine! I’m ok.”He laughed nervously. Kyn wasn’t satisfied with that answer but their time was up. “OK PEOPLE WE ARE GOING ON IN 2 MINUTES, 2 MINUTES!” Quinn yelled from somewhere in the mess of people. “Welp! Looks like I have to go get ready!” Zavy squeaked, “See you after the show!” He said pulling away, quite obviously trying to escape the topic, but before he could get too far Kyn had grabbed him by the wrist, “I know something is up,” they pronounced, loosening their grip as they held his hand with their’s, “just… sigh…I just need you to know that if something starts going wrong,” they tightened their grip a bit, “you can come off stage… just be safe.” They finished, letting go of his hand. Zavy, a bit taken aback, opened his mouth to say something, but before he could Quinn yelled, “1 MINUTE FOLKS, WE GO ON IN 1 MINUTE!” Zavy started moving away but before he left he turned and responded, “I’ll tell you later, I promise.” He disappeared as he ran to get into position for the show. Kyn took a deep exhale and went to go find Quinn. “There you are!” they turned to find Quinn heading straight for them. “I’ve been looking for you! Come one we gotta go!” He whisper-yelled running for the wing Mirage was in. Kyn ran to follow, still worried for the bot, wondering what had made him so anxious. As they got to the wing they and Quinn were in charge of, Quinn asked, “What were you doing over there?” Kyonia took a minute to contemplate telling him, when they finally decided to say, “Something is going on with Zavy. I’m not sure what it is but something is up.” “Is he ok to do the show today?” Quinn questioned readying his walkie-talkie. “I’m sure he can, but pay attention just in case please.” “Yeah of course, should I call it in so the others can watch as well?” “ No… I’m sure it’ll be fine… just… I wanted to let you know in case anything goes wrong… you shouldn’t be in the dark about that at the least.” “Ok”, Quinn said sliding his walkie-talkie back on his belt. “Thanks for telling me, I’ll keep an eye out!” He walked away to talk to the light crew and as he did the lights dimmed and the amphitheater roared as Zavy and Mirage stepped on stage. Kyn knew this night was big when it came to company funding. They just hoped that whatever happened out there, that Zavy would be ok.

[aventurasdeunatortuga]

Zhangjiajie

I’ve spent the last 4ish days in the rural area of Zhangjiajie, in the mountains of Hunan province in south central China.

I flew in from Beijing on Saturday to Zhangjiajie and then it was an hour drive to the town of Yangjiajie. This town is mainly farmland, lots of roosters crowing, and is very warm and humid. I came here to see Zhangjiajie National Forest, which is famous for its over 3,000 sandstone pillars which are on average about 660 feet tall. They were formed about 350 million years ago due to softer rock around the pillars eroding and falling away. I have truly never seen anything like it, I cannot adequately describe how huge these things were or how amazing it was to see.

The owner of the small hotel I’m staying at, Carol, gave me an extensive run down on how to do a self-guided tour of the park; which I was glad I did instead of doing an official tour. My hotel was only about 300 meters from the park entrance, so I could walk there myself. The park itself despite being very intimidating in its sheer size and the fact that most of it is hundreds of meters in the air, was pretty easy to get around in. There is a system of cable cars to get up the mountain, and a series of buses, bridges, and hiking trails to get around the park from there.

China only very recently opened its borders for the first time in over 3 years, and it is notoriously difficult to get a Chinese visa. While in the bigger cities like Beijing there were definitely more foreigners and expats, and people in general were more used to foreigners, I’ve definitely been noticing a difference in Hunan. I think I have seen less than a dozen foreigners total in the time I’ve been here. I get a lot of stares and kids pointing at me going “哪国人！” （foreigner) I even had a family ask to take my picture with their kid because I was the first foreigner she had seen. Its understandable, not a lot of outsiders have really been traveling through here lately. It is honestly pretty refreshing to travel and be around mainly locals and not the crowd of college aged drunk backpackers that tend to frequent a lot of touristy places around the world.

Don’t get me wrong, people have been so incredibly helpful and accommodating and welcoming the entire time I’ve been here. Every single time I have gotten turned around someone has asked if they could help me. People have been so patient with my broken Chinese. And there is definitely a lot of privilege being a white English speaker that has made getting around a lot easier. I have just definitely been feeling very much like an outsider and it gets a bit wearing to have so many stares every time I do anything and even though its not the same at all it has definitely been very eye opening for what a lot of people experience daily that I haven’t experienced to this extent before.

Anyway. I spent most of Sunday exploring the park. It was really incredible. I just could not comprehend the scale of how big the pillars were. It was quite literally breathtaking and jaw dropping. More than once I stopped dead in my tracks because I just could not believe my eyes. At one point we crossed a natural bridge that had formed between two of the pillars. There were also lots of monkeys and at one point there was a gigantic sculpture to someone in the Communist party with a ton of Communist memorabilia around it, idk what that was all about but it was huge. It was super duper hot and humid but being up high in the mountains helped a lot. Once I got back down to the bottom though I realized I’d gotten sunburned despite it being cloudy. I always forget thats a thing. When I made it back to my hotel I was more sweat than person by that point.

Carol’s mom cooks meals for the hotel, so I ate very well the whole time I was in Zhangjiajie. On Saturday night they were hosting a school group from a nearby university, 20 students, a professor named Jin, and his family. I got to talk with the professor for a while. Apparently he had lived in Germany and Switzerland for over a decade while getting his degrees. He asked me a lot of questions about the US election and he honestly knew more about it than I did. He said people in China pay close attention to this because really the results impact the entire world, which is unfortunately true.

On Monday Carol had again given me extensive instructions for a self guided tour of Tianmen Mountain. This was a bit more complicated. First it involved an hour long car ride to Zhangjiajie, then taking a series of buses to get to the bottom of the mountain and a cable car to get halfway up the mountain. Tianmen Mountain （天门山）translates to Heaven’s Door Mountain. It is called this because of an incredible door like natural arch halfway up the mountain that looks like it is leading to the sky. After taking the cable car halfway up the mountain, I hiked up the famous 999 steps to 天门, Heaven’s Gate. It truly looked like we were climbing stairs directly into the sky.

Once at the top of the staircase, we entered a cave into which was astoundingly built a gigantic escalator which took us up the rest of the way to the top of the mountain. I cannot even imagine how all of this was built.

From there, we were a good 4,500 feet up in the air. I could not comprehend how high up we were. And there was a Burger King and a Bubble Tea restaurant at the top somehow. I had some lunch and them took the long winding path along the cliffside. The path was quite literally hanging off the cliff with a sheer drop of 4,500 feet below. I walked along here for about 3 kilometers, one section of the path was even a glass walk which was honestly terrifying. There were lots of little kids with their families doing the hike as well, and they were absolutely not convinced that the glass was strong enough to hold them, which was completely understandable.

I’ve noticed a lot of people visiting places like this in very fancy clothing, even little kids will wear their best dresses or traditional outfits, because people take a lot of pictures and want to look good in the pictures, even though it is very hot and humid and there is a lot of physical activity.

After hiking I arrived to 天门山死, Tianmenshan Temple. Which, again, was incredible that such a huge temple was built so high up. From there I took something similar to a skilift to take me back to the start of the mountain path, and from there took a cablecar all the way back to town. I was told that this last cablecar was one of the longest cablecars in the world, and it certainly seemed like it. It brought us from 4,500 at the top of the mountain all the way back to the ground in the middle of town 30 minutes later. It was really cool. The line to get in it was pretty intense though. The park tries to limit traffic by only selling 3,000 tickets per hour, which is considered very few tickets given the size of the park, but the problem arises when everyone leaves the park at the same time at the end of the day. This resulted in a very enormous line to get down.

From there I took a shared car to get to my hotel. A lot of people live in very rural areas in the provinces and its tough to make the trek into the city from there so whenever someone drives from the city to town or vice versa they try to fill up the car with people. People generally chip in for gas so its like a rural version of uber without the app. People just roll their window down if they see someone standing on the street or walking down the road and ask if they want a lift.

My window in my room had a gap where it wouldn’t shut all the way so it was letting mosquitoes in. I had managed to block it the last two nights and it wasn’t bad at all but because a rainstorm was incoming there were way more bugs tonight than before. I’m talking thirty to forty mosquitos and other giant bugs I don’t know what they were and don’t really want to know. They’d all gotten through the blocked window and were everywhere which was horrible, so I managed to switch rooms for the rest of my stay.

On Monday it was rainy in the morning and while I could have gone back to Zhangjiajie National Park to see more of it, its an enormous park, I didn’t have it in me and ended up spending the whole day sleeping. My big outing of the day was going with Carol to the grocery store to get snacks. On Tuesday I went to the train station to head to my next stop, Fenghuang, which is also in Hunan province and was only about a 2 hour train ride away.

I’ll update about Fenghuang soon, I’ll be here for about 3 more days.

[rubykgrant]

Stayed up too late, started thinking about an alternate story for the Tenchi series...

So, I don’t know why it took me 20-something years to even consider the possibility that the reason Tenchi is just plain not interested (at least, in a general sense) in any of these ladies is; Tenchi is gay. This dude is attracted to other dudes. To be fair, I don’t think he even knows this, he lives in the woods with his dad, his grandpa, and a bunch of space alien ladies. How’s he gonna even know what his options regarding sexuality are? This is where the whole Tnechi in Tokyo thing becomes interesting...

He finally has the chance to do “normal” young adult things, including meeting more people and what-not. He can also just... see other relationships, finally. He still doesn’t get what this means for himself, because he’s Tenchi and he’s a dink, but there is the beginnings of an awakening going on. Alright, that brings us to Sakuya; she was created entirely to be a “distraction” for Tenchi, and her entire world literally revolves around him. When this gets challenged, she has a break-down, unable to deal with the fact that she has no life outside of being an agreeable girl, unlike most of the others in Tnechi’s life, meant to keep his attention... rather than have her simply vanish after this realization, imagine a different scenario!

Tenchi insists that Sakuya should be able to learn about who she really is, just like he has. Instead of just liking whatever he likes, Sakuya is encouraged to try more food, listen to more music, watch more movies, read more books, and everything else, so she can have enough experiences to have real opinions. This would indeed bring them closer together, and Sakuya finds that her romantic feelings for him are genuine... and while Tenchi is still hesitant, he finds that he doesn’t want to shy away from her affection.

Then the reveal with Yugi happens, and the mirrored conflict of trying to create an illusion that will seem like the perfect friend for Sasami. Both Yugi and Sakuya have not been allowed to be who they truly are. When things get settled and the fighting is over, rather than fall into another slumber, Yugi lives with everybody at the Masaki house, and she sort of gives “true life” to the companions she created. This lessens the overflow of her powers slightly, making it easier to manage, but means she can’t control them anymore. They all find their own paths, including Sakuya. She still has her whole life revolving around Tenchi, and as he moves back home after graduating, Sakuya explains that she wants to travel alone for a while, but keeps in touch.

Perhaps a year or so later, everybody at the Masaki house is excited because they received a letter of a surprise return! In the afternoon, they all wait happily... and eventually see a young man walking up to the house. His hair is different. He’s changed his name. He’s changed a LOT. They still recognize who this is, and finally, Tenchi understands his own feelings. So! Trans boy Sakuya, and Tenchi gets a boyfriend~

Also, Mihoshi and Kiyone are also a couple, like that is just a thing. Ayeka and Ryoko can have themselves some new love interests too (I’m not opposed to them being together either, I just like the potential of them being so focused on Tenchi for so long, they have to finally switch gears with new people who are very different)

[delirium-charlotte]

started watching she-ra and only watched eps 1 and 2. initial reactionary thoughts are below the cut:

I think overall I genuinely wasn't expecting for the story already be really strong from the start and it sets up for a lot of crazy conflict potential which I can see why it would have gone on for at least a full precure season which I believe it is?

it has a lot of conflict points from - shadow weaver in general (esp with catra and adora) - catra already having that CRAZY talk when she tries to get adora back (HOLY COW!!!!!!) - glimmer (we're in the middle of our arc but I don't think we get to realize this until the end of ep 2 when she gives adora the sword fully) - adora and the state of "what does it mean to be a hero" - adora potentially facing not a great start as a "horde" - just the concept of being outcasted in general (not one of us) - catra!!!!!!!!!! catra ohhh my god

I think the societal aspects of itself are crazy enough already and I really enjoy how it's starting off that 1. we have this deeper connection to the "enemy" and that 2. the "hero" is not from some higher moral ground (?) from the start (technically yes she's not but her origin at first is conflicted and adora seems rather steadfast on holding her moral ground but the fact that catra is the enemy and they have five whole seasons for this I assume there will be times when adora really doesn't understand where catra is coming from bc she is naive!!! (we've been hit with this from the start!!! + catra literally calls her out on it) and then adora will begin to question again for what exactly is she fighting bc I assume the enemy is also made up of "outcasts" of society if shadow weaver was collecting orphans and such. unless this was just some plot device and doesn't have any deeper societal meaning. but whatever it can still be a plot device for adora to go hey why can't we save them? are they not the same as us and then will be met with the same mindset we first saw glimmer/adora have @ each other at the start)

also I am slightly honing on the fact that "princesses" are dangerous...... they hold this greater power.......... vs when adora is she ra she pulls it out in the same way as utena and so I am thinking about utena princesses according to our hero/prince adora are dangerous bc they can't control their powers....... witch much. (a girl is always a princess and a witch.)

the thing that really made me crash for catra was when she was telling adora to go home (WCHIH. WAS ALSO FRAMED BY THE NOT-CAREFUL VIEWER. WILL BE SEEN AS ORCHESTRAED BY SHADOW WEAVER BUT. I BELIEVE YES. CATRA BELIEVED ADORA WAS GOING TO COME BACK TO THEM ANYWAY AND WANTED TO GIVE HER HER OWN SPACE. AND THEN GOT SCARED THE MOMENT SHE SAW ADORA WEAR THAT FLOWER) and how she said specifically that the two of them have each other and it doesn't really matter when adora asked how she could know that shadow weaver had been priming both to be mindless soldiers and yet stay and so it's just. AAH!!!!! SHE DOESN'T KNOW ANYWHERE ELSE TO GO. SHE TRULY WANTED TO BE WITH ADORA !?!? AND  . AND. SHE FELT SO BETRAYED WHEN SHE SAW SHE RA................ even when she has her initial conversation with adora regarding her promotion badge she had been assuming that they would be together still.... which leads to the talk of them sneaking that aircraft and catra keeps navigating it to go out and out as if she wanted to keep adora away from the main "evil" of it all for a little while longer (TT)

I really found it fun at how the writing immediately had glimmer pretty much confess to their feelings to adora as a breaking point? instead of having it be something that gets instantly forgotten until 3 eps later or something and finally they bond but the bond is strangely very too friendly despite the two very much being at odds for a while and by then the audience would have probably really hated glimmer? and also I am really curious to what glimmer's purpose is... for now I'm indifferent to glimmer, she just is very much a kid and her arc seems a little rough but I want to see how they handle it I think though a lot of fans seem like they'd mischaracterize her

although idk if I'm supposed to be approaching the show more from the perspective I have now or to just accept it all ? like some things are just not as deep as I'm thinking. but it sure would be nice if there was more commentary.

overall already ep 1 and 2 have be on board it seems rather solid and like a really good precure season... I can’t wait to think about it some more

[wonderwanderb]

Men with fragile egos

Baffled by how the Indian mentality never grows from petty thoughts. Men here think all women need protection as they're weak and naïve and if they dare have an opinion then they have loose morals. In their own words, all men are sick and desperate and given any chance, they will cheat, molest, abuse or misbehave. I beg to differ. The moment women stand by their own decisions and move ahead with what they think is correct, irrespective of what the "societal norms" are, she is quickly bestowed with the badge of a seductress, bold and selfish. And a married woman has too many checks before she can think of her choices. The family name drama, husband's and in-laws' prestige, societal norms, children and hazar other factors. Mind you, the same will not matter when it's convenient for them. That's when they "don't care" about the society! Case in point, a husband does not like if the wife agrees to teach swimming to men. He is ok with her teaching children and women but, just not men. She is a teacher and that's what must be considered. Instead the man goes on to demean and belittle the wife and her work. Quick to judge her intentions. However, the extra income is most welcome to support the family expenses. I fail to understand what irks him more; the fact that the wife is making her choices and decisions without "consulting" him or taking his consent? or that other men will get "physically" close to her which in his sick head can make her sway! His justification is that men are sick.. all of them and will include himself to make his point sound valid.   Wow! the double standards. It's ok for them to socialize with other women without being judged but, dare the wife do the same. The wife's argument is if he trusts her, then none of it matters. Note, this man will not listen if the wife disagrees on any of his actions/decisions. Then how does he think that he has one upmanship or the authority to overrule wife's choices? Is it our culture? The Indian mentality? The upbringing? or just insecure men with touchy egos? They can't even handle their own fears and limitations. Where does this thought start really? Will this change if she agrees to abide by his disagreement? Will it make it any better for them as a couple if the "wife" agrees to the "husband's" likes and dislikes. He is quick to give her an ultimatum to move out of his house and give him a divorce if she goes ahead with her decisions. It's that easy for him. I truly believe; no "affair" can happen with just one-sided involvement. It is always from two people cowardly following their needs. The wife's dilemma is to whether to go ahead and do the right thing knowing she is not doing anything wrong and compromising her integrity. OR must she just let go of the opportunity and go back to listening to her husband's wishes and cater to his whims and fancies. I doubt this kind of arm-twisting can let them progress as a couple. Any relationship thrives on trust, space and respect. If even one is missing, then the basis of that relationship is already on line. This mentality is seen even with the most educated (maybe it's best to say literate?), talented, rich and cool men. How they treat people shows their integrity. Unfortunately so many fall short here. One can only hope and try to change the narrative by bringing up children to respect one another. Sensitize them to understand relationships without bias, gender discrimination or family pressures. Boys must not be brought up with that sense of entitlement where they think girls, especially the ones in their lives, are "meant" to serve and obey them. Maybe it's time to say ok and just move away from such toxic relationships. Maybe for once, the woman must prove her point and stay by her choice.

[thephoenixandthecrocodile]

Book Review: The Book Eaters by Sunyi Dean

The Book Eaters by Sunyi Dean

4 stars

I really enjoyed Book Eaters by Sunyi Dean. The first two-thirds are really well done while the last act felt too neat and clean compared to the rest of the story. I also think there may have been one POV too many, but overall this is a well-written, tense, and compelling book. 

Devon is a book eater who is a lesbian and mother to a child who eats brains instead of books. They’re both wanted by the book eating families for various reasons and have to go on the run, desperate for a cure. When someone Devon once loved comes to her with an offer: one favor for the cure, how can she refuse, even if it means depending on her family to keep their word. 

From here on out, there may be spoilers so beware

Things I loved

The concept is well thought out and the book eater’s social structure is really horrifying. Sunyi does a fantastic job capturing how suffocating and “all powerful” the patriarchy seems and how effective it is at punishing the lone brave souls who try to break free. The world building is intricate and feels very natural to the story and the lack of exposition dumps was very impressive. It was nice to see different sexual identities mentioned (especially nice to see an ace character), but I don’t think they’re properly explored in terms of worldbuilding. 

That being said, I love Devon especially as the story jumps back and forth from her efforts to keep her son alive and her efforts to keep herself alive and sane in the book eater’s world. She is at her most compelling when she is doing the unforgivable to survive because no matter what she does will never be worse than what was done to her. 

I absolutely adore her relationship with her son, Cai. It’s the core of the book. Sunyi does a fantastic job finding that balance of 5 year old child aged up by trauma and 55 year old man whose brain Cai last ate. I love that Sunyi lets Devon (and the reader) sit with complicated pregnancies and complicated and mixed feelings about one’s child. It’s refreshing to read a narrative where motherhood isn’t a sacred or even enjoyable thing and acknowledging those very real feelings doesn’t negate a mother’s love for their kid. There is also an element of codependency since Cai, despite being mature because of all the brain eating, is five physically and Devon literally has nowhere else to go and I wish that codependency was hit a little harder in the last act, when we meet more book eaters and there is the risk that maybe Cai wants to stay with people who truly understand him. 

Things I didn't enjoy

My two biggest complaints are 1. One of the POV’s is unneeded and 2. The third act is rushed and too neatly wrapped up.

Too many POVs

About a quarter into the book we are introduced to the POV of Devon’s brother to reveal a big spoiler, but this takes tension out of the story and dulls or makes superficial a lot of reveals that occur later in the book. It also takes some of Devon’s agency away regarding a potentially, truly unforgivable act that I actually really liked because it added further color and definition to Devon herself and Devon’s relationship with her child. But instead of it being a willing act on Devon’s part, it gets explained away as something relating to her brother. I think a lot of her brother’s POV was because the narrative wants its cake and eats it too. It wants to discuss the horrors we’ll commit for the people we love but when it comes to Devon committing something truly heinous, it takes a step back, pulls back the curtain, and says oh don’t worry, it’s ok to keep liking Devon. Here’s the line she won’t cross. But the line is really weird because she’s already done so many other horrible things, why would this be the “unforgivable” act that would turn readers away?

Devon’s brother’s POV also makes some of the chapters at the very end superficial since it only confirms the information we’ve been told earlier or just confirms what readers have already inferred from the text itself.

If this book truly needed a second POV, I think it would have helped the text and theme more if it had been of Hester, another Mind Eater and Devon’s supposed love interest (I didn’t really buy the romance at all, but as an aro-ace I’m often dense or unimpressed by most romances). Hester is the perfect reflection of Devon’s struggle with her own son, except Hester experiences everything Devon is terrified of happening to her son. It would have been the perfect way to build a connection between the two that made an impression instead of leaving certain reveals until the last third and preventing us the time we needed to sit with those reveals before the next secret was revealed and then the book wraps itself up.

The Third Act

I’m not sure why, but the book feels lopsided. The first two acts are really well done, the pacing is lovely, the character and world building work is fantastic, but then the third act crashes into the scene like a freight train. We’ve suddenly introduced to Hester’s family, including her brother who is literally the walking embodiment of everything Devon doesn’t want for her son, but we spend no time at all diving into what that means for Devon, the full effect mind eating has on Hester’s brother and what that means for Cai (or how Cai feels about being around mind eaters who maybe aren’t all there or trustworthy).

So many betrays happen at once but then are instantly forgiven. It’s literally one chapter Hester reveals a betrayal, next chapter Devon reveals a betrayal to Hester. Devon forgives Hester for her betrayal in same chapter and then next chapter Hester forgives Devon for her betrayal (even though Devon’s betrayal threats the things Hester has been trying to protect and we don’t understand why that doesn’t matter anymore – this is where Hester’s POV would have helped) then next chapter Cai discovers a betrayal but in the same chapter forgives the betrayer and then the final betrayal which is wrapped up with “Don’t worry, X knew you were never the one to truly blame” 

It was too much, too quickly, with hardly any time to sit with the many reveals or watch how those reveals affected these people (all who have extreme trust issues). I wish there was the same amount of discomfort and grey and lack of satisfying soothing answers in the third act as there had been in the first act. 

Questions I have about the worldbuilding

I loved seeing different sexual identities in the book, but I don’t think how book eater’s feel about these identities was fully thought out.

For example there is an ace character who is a man who is mostly left alone because there are so many men in the families it doesn’t matter that one of them doesn’t feel sexual attraction which feels odd because in this family sex is never about attraction, so why should it matter if that character feels sexual attraction or not? Shouldn’t there still be pressure to reproduce? Also, given how toxic the patriarchy is in this world, that ace character would not have been tolerated by the other allo men or women.

In real life, ace men suffer terribly both by their fellow men for their lack of sexual attraction and by women who buy into and perpetuate the bullshit that lack of sexual attraction makes ace men less of a man. I don’t see that being any different in the book eater world. The narrative in Book Eaters made it feel that being ace gets you out of a lot of social pressures to reproduce because you're a "lost cause" which isn't true at all and perpetuates a not great stereotype about being ace.

Additionally, I  am curious what happens to ace characters who are women. I assume the family rapes them just like they rape all the other women, but it would have been interesting to have it mentioned, especially since we are introducing the idea of aceness into this world. 

Notably, Devon dismisses being gay as a man as not a big deal because, again, there are so many men and so few women in the book eaters families, but I’m also not sure if that makes sense just looking at how our own severely patriarchal world treats men who different from the cisgender, allo norm. Similar to being ace, in this world, sexual attraction doesn't protect you from the society's need to procreate so why would the family tolerate any sexual deviation just because it's a man doing it? If anything, that sexual deviation would hurt their standing in the society, not being tolerated.

Devon is a lesbian, but there’s no mention of other lesbian or bisexual book eaters (except for Hester). What are those communities like? Are older book eater women (who no longer can have children) finally dating their childhood sweethearts? Are there groups of lesbians and bisexuals who try to protect the younger women (Devon was nursed primarily by women when she was pregnant. Is that where women (of all sexualities) exert their power? Do women use that as a chance to feel out other women about their identities and offer them community during a horrific time)?

If we’re going to talk about a lesbian revolting against a patriarchal family, it would have been nice to explore how, traditionally, that’s been done through community. Again, this potentially could have been explored more with Hester’s POV.

Finally, there is no mention of what happens for those who are trans or don’t fit within the gender binary. And the book mentions research into artificial pregnancies and how that’ll change the book eater’s life, but there is no mention of having an abortion. Surely, some book eater woman must have tried to have an abortion at one time given how severely their world treats them.

Conclusion

Overall though, I really loved this book. My complaints are really minor in the long run and the fact I have so many questions about the world building is because I was so engaged with the story. I highly recommend this book for anyone looking for a creepy, intense story about defying the patriarchy with a complicated mother-son relationship at it’s core. 

[one-abuse-survivor]

Hey, this is the roommate anon.

Sorry that I’m sending you so many asks as of late. I just need to vent.

So, my antidepressants ran out about a week ago, and I’m having trouble with finding a psychiatrist covered by my new insurance. Withdrawal is not fun, but I’m surviving. And doing better emotionally than I thought I would.

My dad said he was gonna move back into the mobile home for 12 days, starting today. Instead, he went dancing with his girlfriend, and Isn’t spending 12 days here. I told him a few weeks ago that I would move out if he ever went back on his word. So, I left him a message this evening saying that I am moving out in a week. I gave him half an hour to respond, and told him that, after that , if he wanted to talk, he could come over. This is happening after I helped a friend rent a car, and she extended it twice and didn’t tell me until after she did it each time.

I know this is an extreme decision, especially since I’m going to be homeless unless I can find a place in the next week. But I’m so tired of people ignoring my boundaries. I’d rather be homeless than rent from a man who sees what other people walking over my boundaries has done to me, and still does it. I’m just so fucking tired of people doing this shit. Especially when my dad knows I’m going through withdrawals. Like I said, I’m doing better than I thought I would, but I think that’s because I’m finally starting to be firm in my boundaries. Case in point, I told my dad I’d move out if he didn’t honor his word, and now he broke his word.

I’m looking for a place to live. It sucks that all this is happening literally right after my birthday. Honestly, the main thing keeping me going right now is the fact that I want to get revenge on my dad. I know that doesn’t sound nice or peaceful, or really even healthy, but I am so past that shit. He deserves to suffer as much as he has made me suffer. I don’t know if I believe in god or heaven or hell, or whatever, but I hope there is. I don’t think people should go to hell forever, just for long enough for them to truly understand the suffering they caused other people. That’s what I want to happen to my dad. I want him to understand all the suffering he put me through in my life, and I want him to feel truly terrible and sorry and repentant for what he’s done to me.

(pasting your next two asks here as well so I can reply in one go)

Hey, roommate/dad anon here.

So, update. I’m not gonna move out right away, but I did tell my dad that he either has to choose me, or once my housing is sorted, I’m not going to have a relationship with him ever again, and I made sure that he knew that it’s cause him consistently treating my needs, wants, and boundaries like this is really bad for my mental health, and that if he’s gonna stay with his girlfriend, who always manipulates him into doing things like that, than he’s just going to keep doing that. I know he loves me, cause he always tells me, but he doesn’t act like it. His actions directly counter his words. I’m a big believer that you can use words all you want, at a certain point you’re going to need to back it up with action. It’s definitely something I struggle with, but I’m getting better, at least a little bit.

So, I’m staying here until I get another place, mainly cause I already paid for September.

Hey. Roommate/dad anon.

So, I’m not living in my car. Since I had already paid for September, I’m staying here. My dad has been really understanding, which is great, but doesn’t change how he treated me. And, as soon as I’m able to find a place that works for me, I’m moving out, and going no contact with him. I love him, but it hurts that he has consistently broken promises or neglected me emotionally, and that he’s not willing to make the choice to be there for me emotionally the way I need him to be for me to keep him in my life.

Hi again, nonnie. I'm glad you didn't have to resort to living in your car in the end, but were still able to set clear boundaries with your dad. It sounds like you've made the best decision for your well-being, even if it's an impossibly hard one. I'm glad to hear he was understanding of the situation and of your boundaries through this process, and really sorry he couldn't be the dad you wanted him to be.

He made his choice not to be there for you in action (only in words), and you made it very clear what would happen if he didn't change his ways. He didn't, and that's on him.

I'll reply to your last ask separately, and end this reply by saying I'm really proud of you for taking care of yourself despite how much you were struggling. Sending a big virtual hug ❤️