#and in order to ensure my own survival i need to repress that so i stopped making a story out of my life

[stoneantler]

You know, I've been thinking a lot about Silver's speech on the cliffs. Specifically this bit: ”I've come to peace with the knowledge that there is no storyteller imposing any coherence, nor sense, nor grace upon those events.” And about why he can't tell his story.

Flint (and some of the fandom) takes his response as meaning ‘there is a story and I refuse to tell it to you.’ Of course, there’s also the (entirely correct) interpretation that Silver is saying that he has no backstory because this is his backstory. The events that happen in the series are more formative than any others in his entire life. And then there's the interpretation that Silver’s story is so traumatic that he cannot bear to tell it, which is an interesting and fruitful interpretation (one I don’t disagree with).

But I've always seen his response as Silver saying, ‘I can't tell you the story of my past because I can't even tell it to myself.’ What if the story of his past is full of events that he can't explain, actions he can't justify, and outcomes that he doesn't know how he reached. I don’t see it as entirely an issue of Silver struggling to explain random events that happened to him but rather him struggling to explain his own actions to himself. After all, we cannot go back into our own past minds to tease apart what motivated us in the moment.

What if every time Silver tries to tell a true story about himself he's completely tongue tied and not (just) because of trauma, shame, or a need to protect himself, but simply because he doesn't know his own story.

[iamshwee]

SHADOW WORK: The Ultimate Guide

I. Why Focusing Only on the Light is a Form of Escapism

For most of my life, I’ve grown up firmly believing that the only thing worthy of guiding me was “light” and “love.” Whether through the family environment I was raised in, or the cultural myths I was brought up clinging to, I once believed that all you really needed to do in life to be happy was to focus on everything beautiful, positive and spiritually “righteous.” I’m sure you were raised believing a similar story as well. It’s a sort of “Recipe for Well-Being.”

But a few years ago, after battling ongoing mental health issues, I realized something shocking:

I was wrong.

Not just wrong, but completely and utterly off the mark. Focusing only on “love and light” will not heal your wounds on a deep level. In fact, I’ve learned through a lot of heavy inner work, that not only is focusing solely on “holiness” in life one side of the equation, but it is actually a form of spiritually bypassing your deeper, darker problems that, let me assure you, almost definitely exist.

It is very easy and comfortable to focus only on the light side of life. So many people in today’s world follow this path. And while it might provide some temporary emotional support, it doesn’t reach to the depths of your being: it doesn’t transform you at a core level. Instead, it leaves you superficially hanging onto warm and fuzzy platitudes which sound nice, but don’t enact any real change.

What DOES touch the very depths of your being, however, is exploring your Shadow.

II. What is the Human Shadow?

In short, the human shadow is our dark side; our lost and forgotten disowned self. 

Your shadow is the place within you that contains all of your secrets, repressed feelings, primitive impulses, and parts deemed “unacceptable,” shameful, “sinful” or even “evil.” 

This dark place lurking within your unconscious mind also contains suppressed and rejected emotions such as rage, jealousy, hatred, greed, deceitfulness, and selfishness.

So where did the Shadow Self idea originate? The concept was originally coined and explored by Swiss psychiatrist and psychoanalyst, Carl Jung. In Jung’s own words:

“Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual’s conscious life, the blacker and denser it is.”

When the human Shadow is shunned, it tends to undermine and sabotage our lives. Addictions, low self-esteem, mental illness, chronic illnesses, and various neuroses are all attributed to the Shadow Self. When our Shadows are suppressed or repressed in the unconscious long enough, they can even overtake our entire lives and causes psychosis or extreme forms of behavior like cheating on one’s partner or physically harming others. Intoxicants such as alcohol and drugs also have a tendency to unleash the Shadow.

Thankfully, there is a way to explore the Shadow and prevent it from devouring our existence, and that is called Shadow Work.

III. What is Shadow Work?

Shadow work is the process of exploring your inner darkness or “Shadow Self.” As mentioned previously, your Shadow Self is part of your unconscious mind and contains everything you feel ashamed of thinking and feeling, as well as every impulse, repressed idea, desire, fear, and perversion that for one reason or another, you have “locked away” consciously or unconsciously. Often this is done as a way of keeping yourself tame, likable, and “civilized” in the eyes of others.

Shadow work is the attempt to uncover everything that we have hidden and every part of us that has been disowned and rejected within our Shadow Selves. 

Why? Because without revealing to ourselves what we have hidden, we remain burdened with problems such as anger, guilt, shame, disgust, and grief.

All throughout the history of mankind Shadow Work has played a powerful yet mysterious and occult role in helping us discover what is causing us mental illness, physical dis-ease and even insanity resulting in crimes of all kinds.

Traditionally, Shadow Work fell in the realm of the Shamans, or medicine people, as well as the priests and priestesses of the archaic periods of history.  These days, Shadow Work falls more commonly in the realms of psychotherapy, with psychologists, psychiatrists, spiritual guides, and therapists.

IV. Do We All Have a Shadow Self?

Yes, we ALL have a Shadow Self.

As uncomfortable as it may sound, there is a dark side within every human being. Why is this the case? The reason why all human beings have a shadow is due to the way we were raised as human beings, often referred to as our ‘conditioning.’

“But I’m a good person! I don’t have a ‘shadow’ side,” you might be thinking. Well, the reality is that yes, you might be a good person. In fact, you might be the most generous, loving, and selfless person in the entire world. You might feed the hungry, save puppies, and donate half of your salary to the poor. But that doesn’t exclude you from having a Shadow. 

There are no exceptions here. 

The nature of being human is to possess both a light and a dark side, and we need to embrace that.

Sometimes, when people hear that they have a Shadow side (or when it is pointed out), there is a lot of denial. We have been taught to perceive ourselves in a very two-dimensional and limited way. We have been taught that only criminals, murderers, and thieves have a Shadow side.

This black and white thinking is one of the major causes of our suffering.

If the thought of having a Shadow side disturbs you, take a moment to consider whether you have developed an idealized self. 

Signs of an idealized self include attitudes such as:

·   “I’m not like those people, I’m better.”

·  “I have never strayed.”

·  “God is proud of me.”

·  “Criminals and wrongdoers aren’t human.”

·  “Everyone sees how good I am (even so, I have to remind them).”

·  “I’m a role model.”

·  “I should be validated and applauded for my good deeds.”

·  “I don’t have bad thoughts, so why do others?”

Such perceptions about oneself are unrealistic, unhealthy, and largely delusional. The only way to find inner peace, happiness, authentic love, self-fulfillment, and Illumination is to explore our Shadow.

V. How is Our Shadow Side Formed?

Your Shadow side is formed in childhood and is both (a) a product of natural ego development, and (b) a product of conditioning or socialization. Socialization is the process of learning to behave in a way that is acceptable to society.

When we are born, we are are all full of potential, with the ability to survive and develop in a variety of ways. As time goes on, we learn more and more to become a certain type of person. Slowly, due to our circumstances and preferences, we begin to adopt certain character traits and reject others. For example, if we are born into a family that shows little interpersonal warmth, we will develop personality traits that make us self-sufficient and perhaps standoffish or mind-oriented. If we are born into a family that rewards compliance and shuns rebellion, we will learn that being submissive works, and thus adopt that as part of our ego structure.

As authors and Jungian therapists, Steve Price and David Haynes write:

“But, as we develop our ego-personality, we also do something else at the same time. What has happened to all those parts of our original potential that we didn’t develop? They won’t just cease to exist: they will still be there, as potential or as partly developed, then rejected, personality attributes, and they will live on in the unconscious as an alternative to the waking ego. So, by the very act of creating a specifically delineated ego-personality, we have also created its opposite in the unconscious. This is the shadow. Everyone has one.”

As we can see, developing the Shadow Self is a natural part of development.

But you also formed an alter ego due to social conditioning, i.e. your parents, family members, teachers, friends, and society at large all contributed to your Shadow.

How?

Well here’s the thing: polite society operates under certain rules. In other words, certain behaviors and characteristics are approved of, while others are shunned. Take anger for example. Anger is an emotion that is commonly punished while growing up. Throwing tantrums, swearing, and destroying things was frowned upon by our parents and teachers. Therefore, many of us learned that expressing anger was not “OK.” Instead of being taught healthy ways to express our anger, we were punished sometimes physically (with smacks or being grounded), and often emotionally (withdrawal of love and affection).

There are countless behaviors, emotions, and beliefs that are rejected in society, and thus, are rejected by ourselves. In order to fit in, be accepted, approved, and loved, we learned to act a certain way. We adopted a role that would ensure our mental, emotional, and physical survival. But at the same time, wearing a mask has consequences. What happened to all the authentic, wild, socially taboo, or challenging parts of ourselves? They were trapped in the Shadow.

What happens as we grow up?

Through time, we learn to both enjoy, and despise, our socially-approved egos because, on the one hand, they make us feel good and “lovable,” but on the other hand, they feel phony and inhibited.

Therapist Steve Wolf has a perfect analogy that describes this process:

“Each of us is like Dorian Gray. We seek to present a beautiful, innocent face to the world; a kind, courteous demeanor; a youthful, intelligent image. And so, unknowingly but inevitably, we push away those qualities that do not fit the image, that does not enhance our self-esteem and make us stand proud but, instead, bring us shame and make us feel small. We shove into the dark cavern of the unconscious those feelings that make us uneasy — hatred, rage, jealousy, greed, competition, lust, shame — and those behaviors that are deemed wrong by the culture — addiction, laziness, aggression, dependency — thereby creating what could be called shadow content. Like Dorian’s painting, these qualities ultimately take on a life of their own, forming an invisible twin that lives just behind our life, or just beside it …”

But while the Shadow Self may be portrayed as our “evil twin,” it is not entirely full of “bad” stuff. There is actually gold to be found within the Shadow.

VI. What is the Golden Shadow?

Jung once states that “the shadow is ninety percent pure gold.” What this means is that there are many beautiful gifts offered to us by our Shadow side if we take the time to look. For example, so much of our creative potential is submerged within our darkness because we were taught when little to reject it.

Not everything within our Shadow is doom and gloom. In fact, the Shadow contains some of our most powerful gifts and talents, such as our artistic, sexual, competitive, innovative, and even intuitive aptitudes.

The ‘Golden Shadow’ also presents us with the opportunity for tremendous psychological and spiritual growth. By doing Shadow Work, we learn that every single emotion and wound that we possess has a gift to share with us. Even the most obnoxious, “ugly,” or shameful parts of ourselves provide a path back to Oneness. Such is the power of the Shadow – it is both a terrifying journey, but is ultimately a path to Enlightenment or Illumination. Every spiritual path needs Shadow Work to prevent the issues from happening that we’ll explore next.

VII. What Happens When You Reject Your Shadow?

When shadow-work is neglected, the soul feels dry, brittle, like an empty vessel. — S. Wolf

Rejecting, suppressing, denying, or disowning your Shadow, whether consciously or unconsciously, is a dangerous thing. The thing about the Shadow Self is that it seeks to be known. It yearns to be understood, explored, and integrated. It craves to be held in awareness. The longer the Shadow stays buried and locked in its jail cell deep within the unconscious, the more it will find opportunities to make you aware of its existence.

Both religion and modern spirituality tend to focus on the “love and light” aspects of spiritual growth to their own doom. 

This over-emphasis on the fluffy, transcendental, and feel-good elements of a spiritual awakening results in shallowness and phobia of whatever is too real, earthy, or dark.

Spiritually bypassing one’s inner darkness results in a whole range of serious issues. Some of the most common and reoccurring Shadow issues that appear in the spiritual/religious community include pedophilia among priests, financial manipulation of followers among gurus, and of course, megalomania, narcissism, and God complexes among spiritual teachers.

Other issues that arise when we reject our Shadow side can include:

·  Hypocrisy (believing and supporting one thing, but doing the other)

·  Lies and self-deceit (both towards oneself and others)

·  Uncontrollable bursts of rage/anger

·  Emotional and mental manipulation of others

·  Greed and addictions

·  Phobias and obsessive compulsions

·  Racist, sexist, homophobic, and other offensive behavior

·  Intense anxiety

·  Chronic psychosomatic illness

·  Depression (which can turn into suicidal tendencies)

·  Sexual perversion

·  Narcissistically inflated ego

·  Chaotic relationships with others

·  Self-loathing

·  Self-absorption

·  Self-sabotage

… and many others. This is by no means a comprehensive list (and there are likely many other issues out there). As we’ll learn next, one of the greatest ways we reject our Shadow is through psychological projection.

VIII. The Shadow and Projection (a Dangerous Mix)

One of the biggest forms of Shadow rejection is something called projection.

Projection is a term that refers to seeing things in others that are actually within ourselves.

When we pair projection and the Shadow Self together, we have a dangerous mix. Why? Because as psychotherapist Robert A. Johnson writes:

“We generally seek to punish that which reminds us most uncomfortable about the part of ourselves that we have not come to terms with, and we often ‘see’ these disowned qualities in the world around us.”

There are many different ways we ‘punish’ those who are mirrors of our Shadow qualities. We may criticize, reject, hate, dehumanize, or even in extreme cases, physically or psychologically seek to destroy them (think of countries who go at war with the “enemies”). None of us are innocent in this area. We have ALL projected parts of our rejected self onto others. In fact, Shadow projection is a major cause of relationship dysfunction and break down.

If we are seeking to bring peace, love, and meaning to our lives, we absolutely MUST reclaim these projections. Through Shadow Work, we can explore exactly what we have disowned.

IX. Twelve Benefits of Shadow Work

Firstly, I want to say that I have the highest respect for Shadow Work. It is the single most important path I’ve taken to uncover my core wounds, core beliefs, traumas, and projections. I have also observed how Shadow Work has helped to create profound clarity, understanding, harmony, acceptance, release, and inner peace in the lives of others. It is truly deep work that makes changes on the Soul level targeting the very roots of our issues, not just the superficial symptoms.

There is SO much to be gained from making Shadow Work a part of your life, and daily routine. Here are some of the most commonly experienced benefits:

1.     Deeper love and acceptance of yourself

2.     Better relationships with others, including your partner and children

3.     More confidence to be your authentic self

4.     More mental, emotional, and spiritual clarity

5.     Increased compassion/understanding for others = who you dislike

6.     Enhanced creativity

7.     Discovery of hidden gifts and talents

8.     Deepened understanding of your passions and ultimate life purpose

9.     Improved physical and mental health

10.   More courage to face the unknown and truly live life

11.   Access to your Soul or Higher Self

12.   A feeling of Wholeness

It’s important to remember that there are no quick fixes in Shadow Work, so these life-changing benefits don’t just happen overnight. But with persistence, they will eventually emerge and bless your life.

X. Seven Tips for Approaching Shadow Work

Before you begin Shadow Work, you need to assess whether you’re ready to embark on this journey. Not everyone is prepared for this deep work, and that’s fine. We’re all at different stages. So pay attention to the following questions and try to answer them honestly:

·        Have you practiced self-love yet?

o   If not, Shadow Work will be too overwhelming for you. I have starred this bullet point because it is essential for you to consider. Shadow Work should not be attempted by those who have poor self-worth or struggle with self-loathing. In other words: if you struggle with severely low self-esteem, please do not attempt Shadow Work. I emphatically warn you against doing it. Why? If you struggle with extremely poor self-worth, exploring your Shadow will likely make you feel ten times worse about yourself. Before you walk this path, you absolutely must establish a strong and healthy self-image. No, you don’t have to think you’re God’s gift to the world, but having average self-worth is important. Try taking this self-esteem test to explore whether you’re ready (but first, don’t forget to finish this article!).

·        Are you prepared to make time? 

o   Shadow Work is not a lukewarm practice. You are either all in or all out. Yes, it is important to take a break from it from time to time. But Shadow Work requires dedication, self-discipline, and persistence. Are you willing to intentionally carve out time each day to dedicate to it? Even just ten minutes a day is a good start.

·        Are you looking to be validated or to find the truth? 

o   As you probably know by now, Shadow Work isn’t about making you feel special. It isn’t like typical spiritual paths that are focused on the feel-good. No, Shadow Work can be brutal and extremely confronting. This is a path for truth seekers, not those who are seeking to be validated.

·        Seek to enter a calm and neutral space. 

o   It is important to try and relax when doing Shadow Work. Stress and judgmental or critical attitudes will inhibit the process. So please try to incorporate a calming meditation or mindfulness technique into whatever you do.

·        Understand that you are not your thoughts. 

o   You need to realize that you are not your thoughts for Shadow Work to be healing and liberating. Only from your calm and quiet Center (also known as your Soul) can you truly be aware of your Shadow aspects. By holding them in awareness, you will see them clearly for what they are, and realize that they ultimately don’t define you; they are simply rising and falling mental phenomena.

·        Practice self-compassion.

o   It is of paramount importance to incorporate compassion and self-acceptance into your Shadow Work practice. Without showing love and understanding to yourself, it is easy for Shadow Work to backfire and make you feel terrible. So focus on generating self-love and compassion, and you will be able to release any shame and embrace your humanity.

·        Record everything you find. 

o   Keep a written journal or personal diary in which you write down, or draw, your discoveries. Recording your dreams, observations, and analysis will help you to learn and grow more effectively. You’ll also be able to keep track of your process and make important connections.

 XI. How to Practice Shadow Work

There are many Shadow Work techniques and exercises out there. In this guide, I will provide a few to help you start off. I’ll also share a few examples from my own life:

1. Pay attention to your emotional reactions

In this practice, you’ll learn that what you give power to has power over you. Let me explain:

One Shadow Work practice I enjoy a great deal is paying attention to everything that shocks, disturbs, and secretly thrills me. Essentially, this practice is about finding out what I’ve given the power to in my life unconsciously, because: what we place importance in – whether good or bad – says a lot about us.

The reality is that what we react to, or what makes us angry and distressed, reveals extremely important information to us about ourselves.

For example, by following where my “demons” have taken me – whether in social media, family circles, workspaces, and public places – I have discovered two important things about myself. The first one is that I’m a control freak; I hate feeling vulnerable, powerless and weak . . . it quite simply scares the living hell out of me. How did I discover this? Through my intense dislike of witnessing rape scenes in movies and TV shows, my negative reaction to novel experiences (e.g. roller coaster rides, public speaking, etc.), as well as my discomfort surrounding sharing information about my life with others in conversations. Also, by following where my “demons” have guided me I’ve discovered that I’m being burdened by an exasperating guilt complex that I developed through my religious upbringing. Apart of me wants to feel unworthy because that is what I’ve developed a habit of feeling since childhood (e.g. “You’re a sinner,” “It’s your fault Jesus was crucified”), and therefore, that is what I secretly feel comfortable with feeling: unworthy. So my mind nit-picks anything I might have done “wrong,” and I’m left with the feeling of being “bad” – which I’m used to, but nevertheless, this is destructive for my well-being.

Thanks to this practice, I have welcomed more compassion, mindfulness, and forgiveness into my life.

Paying attention to your emotional reactions can help you to discover exactly how your core wounds are affecting you on a daily basis.

How to Pay Attention to Your Emotional Reactions

To effectively pay attention to your emotional reactions (I call it “following the trail of your inner demons”), you first need to cultivate:

1. Self-awareness

Without being conscious of what you’re doing, thinking, feeling, and saying, you won’t progress very far.

If, however, you are fairly certain that you’re self-aware (or enough to start the process), you will then need to:

2. Adopt an open mindset

You will need to have the courage and willingness to observe EVERYTHING uncomfortable you place importance in, and ask “why?” What do I mean by the phrase “placing importance in”? By this, I mean that, whatever riles, shocks, infuriates, disturbs and terrifies you, you must pay attention to. Closely.

Likely, you will discover patterns constantly emerging in your life. For example, you might be outraged or embarrassed every time sex appears in a TV show or movie you like (possibly revealing sexual repression or mistaken beliefs about sex that you’ve adopted throughout life). Or you might be terrified of seeing death or dead people (possibly revealing your resistance to the nature of life or childhood trauma). Or you might be disgusted by alternative political, sexual, and spiritual lifestyles (possibly revealing your hidden desire to do the same).

There are so many possibilities out there, and I encourage you to go slowly, take your time, and one by one pick through what you place importance in.

“But I DON’T place importance in gross, bad or disturbing things in life, how could I? I don’t care for them!” you might be asking.

Well, think for a moment. If you didn’t place so much importance on what makes you angry, disgusted or upset . . . why would you be reacting to it so much? The moment you emotionally react to something is the moment you have given that thing power over you. Only that which doesn’t stir up emotions in us is not important to us.

See what you respond to and listen to what your Shadow is trying to teach you.

2. Artistically Express Your Shadow Self

Art is the highest form of self-expression and is also a great way to allow your Shadow to manifest itself.  Psychologists often use art therapy as a way to help patients explore their inner selves.

Start by allowing yourself to feel (or drawing on any existing) dark emotions. Choose an art medium that calls to you such as pen and pencil, watercolor, crayon, acrylic paint, scrapbooking, sculpting, etc. and draw what you feel. You don’t need to consider yourself an ‘artist’ to benefit from this activity. You don’t even need to plan what you’ll create. Just let your hands, pen, pencil, or paintbrush do the talking. The more spontaneous, the better. Artistic expression can reveal a lot about your obscure darker half. Psychologist Carl Jung (who conceptualized the Shadow Self idea) was even famous for using mandalas in his therapy sessions.

3. Start a Project

The act of creation can be intensely frustrating and can give birth to some of your darker elements such as impatience, anger, blood-thirsty competitiveness, and self-doubt. At the same time, starting a project also allows you to experience feelings of fulfillment and joy.

If you don’t already have a personal project that you’re undertaking (such as building something, writing a book, composing music, mastering a new skill), find something you would love to start doing. Using self-awareness and self-exploration during the process of creation, you will be able to reap deeper insights into your darkness. Ask yourself constantly, “What am I feeling and why?” Notice the strong emotions that arise during the act of creation, both good and bad. You will likely be surprised by what you find!

For example, as a person who considers myself non-competitive, that assumption has been challenged by the act of writing this blog. Thanks to this project, the Shadow within me of ruthless competitiveness has shown its face, allowing me to understand myself more deeply.

4. Write a Story or Keep a Shadow Journal

Goethe’s story Faust is, in my opinion, one of the best works featuring the meeting of an ego and his Shadow Self.  His story details the life of a Professor who becomes so separated and overwhelmed by his Shadow that he comes to the verge of suicide, only to realize that the redemption of the ego is solely possible if the Shadow is redeemed at the same time.

Write a story where you project your Shadow elements onto the characters – this is a great way to learn more about your inner darkness.  If stories aren’t your thing, keeping a journal or diary every day can shine a light on the darker elements of your nature.  Reading through your dark thoughts and emotions can help you to recover the balance you need in life by accepting both light and dark emotions within you.

5. Explore Your Shadow Archetypes

We have several Shadow varieties, also called Shadow Archetypes. These archetypes are sometimes defined as:

·        The Sorcerer/Alchemist

·        The Dictator

·        The Victim

·        The Shadow Witch

·        The Addict

·        The Idiot

·        The Trickster

·        The Destroyer

·        The Slave

·        The Shadow Mother

·        The Hag

·        The Hermit

However, I have my own Shadow Archetype classification, which I will include below.

13 Shadow Archetypes

Here are my thirteen classifications which are based on my own self-observations and analysis of others:

1.  The Egotistical Shadow

This Shadow Archetype displays the following characteristics: arrogance, egocentricity, pompousness, inconsiderateness, self-indulgence, narcissism, excessive pride.

2.  The Neurotic Shadow

This Shadow Archetype displays the following characteristics: paranoia, obsessiveness, suspiciousness, finicky, demanding, compulsive behavior.

3.  The Untrustworthy Shadow

This Shadow Archetype displays the following characteristics: secretive, impulsive, frivolous, irresponsible, deceitful, unreliable.

4.  The Emotionally Unstable Shadow

This Shadow Archetype displays the following characteristics: moody, melodramatic, weepy, overemotional, impulsive, changeable.

5.  The Controlling Shadow

This Shadow Archetype displays the following characteristics: suspicious, jealous, possessive, bossy, obsessive.

6.  The Cynical Shadow

This Shadow Archetype displays the following characteristics: negative, overcritical, patronizing, resentful, cantankerous.

7.  The Wrathful Shadow

This Shadow Archetype displays the following characteristics: ruthless, vengeful, bitchy, quick-tempered, quarrelsome.

8.  The Rigid Shadow

This Shadow Archetype displays the following characteristics: uptight, intolerant, racist, sexist, ableist, homophobic, obstinate, uncompromising, inflexible, narrow-minded.

9.  The Glib Shadow

This Shadow Archetype displays the following characteristics: superficial, cunning, inconsistent, sly, crafty.

10.  The Cold Shadow

This Shadow Archetype displays the following characteristics: emotionally detached, distant, indifferent, uncaring, unexcited.

11.  The Perverted Shadow

This Shadow Archetype displays the following characteristics: masochistic, lewd, sadistic, vulgar, libidinous.

12.  The Cowardly Shadow

This Shadow Archetype displays the following characteristics: weak-willed, passive, timid, fearful.

13.  The Immature Shadow

This Shadow Archetype displays the following characteristics: puerile, childish, illogical, simpleminded, vacuous.

Keep in mind that the above Shadow Archetypes are by no means exhaustive. I’m sure that there are many others out there which I have missed. But you are free to use this breakdown to help you explore your own Shadows. You’re also welcome to add to this list or create your own Shadow Archetypes, which I highly encourage. For example, you might possess a judgmental and dogmatic Shadow who you call “The Nun,” or a sexually deviant Shadow who you call “The Deviant.” Play around with some words and labels, and see what suits your Shadows the best.

6. Have an Inner Conversation

Also known as “Inner Dialogue,” or as Carl Jung phrased it, “Active Imagination,” having a conversation with your Shadow is an easy way to learn from it.

I understand if you might feel a twinge of skepticism towards this practice right now. After all, we are taught that “only crazy people talk to themselves.” But inner dialogue is regularly used in psychotherapy as a way to help people communicate with the various subpersonalities that they have – and we all possess various faces and sides of our ego.

One easy way to practice inner dialogue is to sit in a quiet place, close your eyes, and tune into the present moment. Then, think of a question you would like to ask your Shadow, and silently speak it within your mind. Wait a few moments and see if you ‘hear’ or ‘see’ an answer. Record anything that arises and reflect on it. It is even possible to carry on a conversation with your Shadow using this method. Just ensure that you have an open mindset. In other words, don’t try to control what is being said, just let it flow naturally. You will likely be surprised by the answers you receive!

Visualization is another helpful way of engaging in inner dialogue. I recommend bringing to mind images of dark forests, caves, holes in the ground, or the ocean as these all represent the unconscious mind. Always ensure that you enter and exit your visualization in the same manner, e.g. if you are walking down a path, make sure you walk back up the path. Or if you open a particular door, make sure you open the same door when returning back to normal consciousness. This practice will help to draw you effortlessly in and out of visualizations.

7. Use the Mirror Technique

As we have learned, projection is a technique of the Shadow that helps us to avoid what we have disowned. However, we don’t only project the deeper and darker aspects of ourselves onto others, we also project our light and positive attributes as well. For example, a person may be attracted to another who displays fierce self-assertiveness, not realizing that this quality is what they long to reunite with inside themselves. Another common example (this time negative) is judgmentalism. How many times have you heard someone say “he/she is so judgmental!” Ironically, the very person saying this doesn’t realize that calling another person ‘judgmental’ is actually pronouncing a judgment against them and revealing their own judgmental nature.

The Mirror Technique is the process of uncovering our projections. To practice this technique, we must adopt a mindful and honest approach towards the world: we need to be prepared to own that which we have disowned! Being radically truthful with ourselves can be difficult, so it does require practice. But essentially, we must adopt the mindset that other people are our mirrors. We must understand that those around us serve as the perfect canvas onto which we project all of our unconscious desires and fears.

Start this practice by examining your thoughts and feelings about those you come in contact with. Pay attention to moments when you’re emotionally triggered and ask yourself “am I projecting anything?” Remember: it is also possible to project our own qualities onto another person who really does possess the qualities. Psychologists sometimes refer to this as “projecting onto reality.” For example, we might project our rage onto another person who is, in fact, a rage-filled person. Or we might project our jealousy onto another who genuinely is jealous.

Ask yourself, “What is mine, what is theirs, and what is both of ours?” Not every triggering situation reveals a projection, but they more than often do. Also, look for things you love and adore about others, and uncover the hidden projections there.

The Mirror Technique will help you to shed a lot of light onto Shadow qualities that you have rejected, suppressed, repressed, or disowned. On a side note, you might also like to read about a similar practice called mirror work which helps you to come face-to-face with your own denied aspects.

XII. Shadow Work Q&A

Here are some commonly asked questions about shadow work:

What is shadow work?

Shadow work is the psychological and spiritual practice of exploring our dark side or the ‘shadowy’ part of our nature. We all possess a place within us that contains our secrets, repressed feelings, shameful memories, impulses, and parts that are deemed “unacceptable” and “ugly.” This is our dark side or shadow self – and it is often symbolized as a monster, devil, or ferocious wild animal.

How to do shadow work?

There are many ways to practice shadow work. Some of the most powerful and effective techniques include journaling, artistically expressing your dark side (also known as art therapy), using a mirror to connect with this part of you (mirror work), guided meditations, exploring your projections, and examining your shadow archetypes.

What is the spiritual shadow?

There is light and darkness within all areas of life, and spirituality is not exempt. The spiritual shadow is what occurs when we fall into the traps of spiritual materialism – a phenomenon where we use spirituality to boost our egos and become arrogant, self-absorbed, and even narcissistic.

XIII. Shadow Self -Test

https://lonerwolf.com/shadow-self-test/

As passionate proponents of Shadow Work, we have created a free Shadow Self test on this website for you to take. Like any test, take it with a grain of salt and use your own analysis to ultimately determine how ‘dominant’ your Shadow is in your life. Please remember that tests online cannot be 100% accurate, so see it as a fun self-discovery tool. And note: those who receive a “small Shadow Self” answer still need to do Shadow Work. No person is exempt. ;)

XIV. Own Your Shadow and You Will Own Your Life

If you are looking for some serious, authentic and long-lived healing in your life, Shadow Work is the perfect way to experience profound inner transformation. Remember that what you internalize is almost always externalized in one form or another.

Own your shadow and you will own your life.

Here are some final inspiring words:

“The secret is out: all of us, no exceptions, have qualities we won’t let anyone see, including ourselves – our Shadow. If we face up to our dark side, our life can be energized. If not, there is the devil to pay. This is one of life’s most urgent projects. — Larry Dossey (Healing Words)”

“If we don’t change, we don’t grow. If we don’t grow, we are not really living. Growth demands a temporary surrender of security.” — Gail Sheehy

“Who has not at one time or another felt a sourness, wrath, selfishness, envy and pride, which he could not tell what to do with, or how to bear, rising up in him without his consent, casting a blackness over all his thoughts … It is exceeding good and beneficial to us to discover this dark, disordered fire of our soul; because when rightly known and rightly dealt with, it can as well be made the foundation of heaven as it is of hell. — William Law”

“To confront a person with his own shadow is to show him his own light. — Carl Jung”

[selfdestructivecat]

@the-local-lunatic13

THAT’S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME!

Ok so this is gonna be a long list, since my head is only empty when it’s of greatest inconvenience.

Also please read the tags for potential triggers! Lmk if I missed any and I’ll add them right away.

Without further ado, here’s my interpretation of a Sanders Sides Pokemon AU!

* Ok so first of all, the sides are all gym leaders.

* I picture this in the Galar region, but probably with different towns and the like because I don’t remember any of them.

* Basically, just assume that all of the towns are made up, but that Dynamax still is a thing.

* Let’s start with Patton because his story is the least sad.

* His family runs a Fairy Type gym/pokemon nursery.

* Patton is the eldest in a large family, so he eventually became the new gym leader following in his father’s footsteps.

* He has two dads, one who was the gym leader and the other who is a pokemon breeder. They’re both pokemon breeders now and work in a Pokemon Center.

* They are definitely responsible for Patton’s sense of humor.

* Patton and all of his siblings are adopted, but they’re so close that they might as well be related by blood.

* Patton loves taking care of pokemon and would be a pokemon breeder full-time if he could

* But he also loves his family so he continues to run the gym to raise enough money to keep them comfortable and happy

* The Pokemon team I have come up for him is:

* - Togekiss

* - Boltund

* - Greninja (cuz frog)

* - Altaria

* - Frosmoth

* - Hatterine

* (If anyone has any better ideas for pokemon for any of the sides, feel free to throw your suggestions in the notes!)

* Moving on to Logan...

* Like Patton, he also inherited his gym, a Psychic Type gym, from his parents

* However, his family life isn’t nearly as happy...

* Ever since he was old enough to throw a pokeball, his parents have trained him rigorously to become the next gym leader

* They handpicked all of the pokemon in his team

* Except for a Lucario, which Logan caught as a Riolu when he was very young. His parents only let him keep it because of its battle prowess

* So Logan’s team is:

* - Lucario

* - Gardevoir

* - Alakazam

* - Raichu (alolan)

* - Malamar

* - Onix

* (Also this should be obvious by now but not all the pokes will match the gym’s type cuz that’s boring)

* Logan took over the gym when he was 15 and has been running it basically on his own ever since

* His parents still get the final say in all major decisions, even though they don’t really do anything

* Logan resents them, but doesn’t have the courage to stand up for himself

* ENTER PATTON

* Logan is at first pretty skeptical regarding Patton, since he doesn’t seem to take his job seriously

* After challenging Patton to a battle, however, that stance changes remarkably fast after facing a narrow defeat at the hands of Patton’s pokemon

* Even so, he tells himself that he doesn’t have time to become more than colleagues. He must be cordial with Patton so they can coordinate as gym leaders, but that’s it

* Meanwhile, Patton takes one look at this emotionally-repressed man and thinks to himself

* “Oh, this is the guy I’m gonna marry.”

* He then takes literally every opportunity to flirt with Logan

* And he is not subtle AT ALL

* Like he literally goes up to Logan one day and is like

* “I know you’re not ready for it right now, but one day I’m gonna marry you and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

* And Logan is VERY confused and VERY flustered because feelings? What is happening to my heart!? Am I getting sick!?

* (And his parents would absolutely disapprove because they are huge homophobes and want Logan to have an heir to pass on the gym to)

* But eventually Patton manages to break Logan’s walls down and they become close friends

* (And eventually more)

* Now, the twins!

* Their situation is pretty similar to Logan’s, at least to a certain point

* Their parents own a Fire Type gym, and were so excited to have a child who would eventually take over the gym

* Two things happened that they did not anticipate

1) They ended up having twins

2) The mother died during childbirth

* Driven by grief, stubbornness, and resentment, the father had the idea that, in order to make the twins as strong as possible, he would put them against each other at every opportunity

* They would constantly be competing to become better than the other, creating an extremely toxic rivalry

* It didn’t work... at least, not at first.

* When they were very young, Roman and Remus were inseparable.

* Even when their father tried to put them against each other, they would rebel against him and not listen

* (Remus had no issue with this, but Roman quietly longed for his father’s approval, even though he knew it was wrong)

* They had a dream that they would run the gym together, and they would talk long into the night about the gym they would create and the pokemon they would train

* That was, until their father started to take a different approach

* He noticed that, despite the two boys receiving the same education and training, Roman had a better affinity for battle (at least when it came to fire types)

* So he started giving Roman more praise and attention

* Roman was thrilled to finally make his father proud

* Remus, on the other hand, was tossed to the side

* Roman was reluctant to give up his father’s attention now that he had received it

* (Looking back, Roman wishes more than anything that he had given it up)

* The twins were driven apart, Roman being trained to take over the gym, and Remus being completely ignored

* One day, Remus ran away, disappearing in the middle of the night.

* Roman was devastated

* He wanted nothing more than to search for Remus, but he knew that if his brother didn’t want to be found, he could vanish off the face of the earth

* Years pass, and Roman takes over the gym

* His father passes away from illness when he was 16

* He can’t find it in himself to grieve

* Roman continues running the gym, hating how quiet the halls are and missing his brother terribly

* One day, he receives news of a new Poison Type gym being established, one heavily criticized for its unorthodox (and, some complain, absolutely disgusting) gym structure and puzzles

* For the first time in years, Roman smiles

* Their relationship is not nearly as close as it was when they were children, and they still have a lot of that competitiveness that was hammered into them, but they’re trying

* And of course, their pokemon teams!

* Roman’s team is:

* - Charizard

* - Wigglytuff

* - Aegislash

* - Milotic

* - Gallade

* - Butterfree

(Maybe he should have more fire types but I like all of these Pokémon for him and they don’t really have a common type among them and ahhhhhhhh...)

* While Remus’s team is:

* - Garbodor

* - Muk

* - Tentacruel

* - Gengar

* - Mawile

* - Venomoth

* While catching up on everything that happened while they were separated, Roman asks Remus how he managed to establish his own gym so quickly

* Remus smirks, saying that he had a little help from a certain dragon...

* WHICH IS JANUS! HE HAS A DRAGON TYPE GYM!

* And this is where we get into that sweet sweet angst

* Janus was born in a small village surrounded by mountains

* A few months before his birth, a disease spread throughout the village

* This disease would coat the skin in angry red boils and drive the infected delirious with sickness

* One day, Janus’ parents found him shivering with a fever, the left side of his face covered in boils

* Fearing for their lives should they catch the disease, they brought the child into the mountains and abandoned him in an old, dark cave

* He wailed in pain and terror until his throat was so hoarse he couldn’t cry anymore

* Dialga, the legendary dragon-type pokemon with power over time, heard his cries and took pity on the child

* Dialga reversed the effects of the illness, curing the child but leaving shimmering scales where the boils used to be

* Dialga then tasked the dragon type pokemon in the cave to look after the child, not trusting humans to ensure Janus’ well being

* A family of Dreepies, Drakloaks, and Dragapults takes a particular liking to Janus, raising him as one of their own

* Eventually, when Janus is a bit older, he goes to visit the town he was born in (supervised by his dragon family, of course)

* Only to find that the village was gone, abandoned by the few survivors of the horrible plague that spread throughout

* Janus felt no remorse

* He knew that he could only rely on himself, and that if he wanted to survive in this world, he needed to be aggressive

* The following week, he said goodbye to his family, only taking with him his best friend, one of the Dreepies in his family that was now a powerful Dragapault

* It wasn’t easy, as he had to learn the language and social etiquette of the people around him (being raised by pokemon would do that to you)

* He even had to resort to stealing in order to survive, which kept him on the run

* Until one day, he met Remus, another kid on the run

* Together, they were an absolute menace. To this day, the two of them have never lost a double battle

* Eventually, they both opened their own gyms, Remus a poison type and Janus a dragon type

* When not busy with the typical duties required of gym leaders, they’re basically inseparable

* Remus is the one person Janus trusts whole-heartedly

* I headcanon them as either really close friends or queer-platonic partners, but I’ll leave it up to you to decide their relationship!

* By the way, Janus’ team consists of:

* - Dragapult

* - Mimikyu

* - Zoroark

* - Arbok

* - Salazzle

* - Kimmo-oh

* So that leaves one side left...

* Ima be honest, I based Virgil heavily on Piers, but bear with me ok?

* Virgil grew up in a very poor town with his mother, as his dad abandoned them when he was very young

* And when I say poor, I mean that there wasn’t even a Pokemon Center

* Even so, he didn’t wish for anything. He didn’t care about traveling or becoming a great pokemon trainer. He just wanted to be with his mom

* (His anxiety made it hard to leave the house, anyway, so he was in no rush to go on some grand adventure)

* His mom had a dream to open a pokemon gym that both 1) incorporated music and 2) was more down to earth than the grand stadiums that were now the norm for gyms

* When she was pregnant with Virgil, she was more than happy to give up that dream for her family

* However, when her husband, their main source of income, abandoned them, her dream became more of a necessity

* The entire town was on her side, knowing that a gym could bring money to their town

* Their “gym” was nothing more than a small, outdoor stadium, but his mother loved it

* The few curious pokemon trainers who decided to challenge the unofficial gym absolutely loved her, and slowly she started to gain a bit of notoriety

* Virgil was terrified. He was afraid that his mom would get hurt by the powerful pokemon that constantly challenged her

* (And he missed her terribly. She still made time for him, but it wasn’t as much as before she took on the role of unofficial gym leader)

* And so, his mom brought him his very first pokemon: an Eevee that always seemed to know exactly how to calm him down

* He loved his Eevee, and he felt a little bit less alone whenever his mom had to leave for work. He was ok.

* Unfortunately, fate had cruel plans for the young boy

* His town was cast into shadow as a maddened Dynamaxed pokemon appeared a few miles away

* His mom, the strongest trainer in town, left to take it down, despite how much Virgil begged her to not go, or to take him with her

* (She had to go. The second-closest city to the dynamaxed pokemon was still very far away. Help wouldn’t come for a while. She was all her small town had.)

* (...She didn’t return)

* The entire town was in mourning, holding a huge ceremony to honor her memory.

* Virgil was inconsolable, barely speaking and refusing to leave his room for almost an entire year

* If it wasn’t for the people in the town, who cared for him as deeply as they did his mother, he probably wouldn’t have eaten.

* The unofficial gym, without a gym leader, was abandoned, and its small glimpse of fame was lost, plunging the town back into a seemingly inescapable pit of poverty and obscurity

* Until one day, a group of thugs came and terrorized the town, letting loose their pokemon and stealing everything they could get their hands on

* Virgil was terrified, but he couldn’t just stand there while people got hurt. With only his Eevee and his only experience being watching his mom in her matches, he challenged the thugs

* He didn’t stand a chance. His poor Eevee was at its knees within moments

* Virgil was distraught, hating his weakness and how he couldn’t protect the town that had become his family. He tried to fight the thugs himself, only to be knocked back by one of their Pokémon’s attacks.

* He got back up and charged again, tears in his eyes and bile rising from how scared he was

* His Eevee, terrified for its master and inspired by his bravery, began to glow...

* ...and in its place stood an Umbreon, body pulsing with newfound power

* This scene rallied the other people in the town, who banded together to drive the thugs away, Virgil and his Umbreon leading the charge

* From then on, Virgil vowed that he would become a strong Dark Type gym leader and create the gym his mother never got the chance to

* He trained hard, swallowing his fear to capture and train more pokemon for his team

* Which consists of...

* - Umbreon

* - Houndoom

* - Galvantula

* - Gothitelle

* - Corviknight

* - Noivern

* The townspeople, much like Team Yell in Pokemon Sw/Sh, would often go to other cities singing Virgil’s praise and unwittingly causing all sorts of problems

* Virgil has no idea that any of this is happening

* Eventually, word gets out again regarding this unofficial Pokemon gym, attracting the attention of the other gym leaders

* Roman is sent to investigate

* He doesn’t expect much, given the general appearance of the town (it doesn’t even have a pokemon center, after all)

* He’s even more put off when he recognizes the outfits of the trainers in the “gym” as the strange people who have been causing trouble all over Galar

* Even so, he has a job to do, so he dons a disguise and plows through all of the trainers, eager to finish the gym so he can go back home

* His desire to leave vanishes faster than a Pikachu with Agility the moment he lays eyes on Virgil

* Just like his mother wanted, Virgil’s battles take place during a rock concert, so Virgil waiting on a makeshift stage with a guitar in hand

* (Virgil feels like he’s going to explode with nerves, just like he does every time a trainer challenges his gym, but the memory of his mother gives him courage)

* As his Umbreon leaps into battle, he begins to sing

* And holy shit Roman is in love

* The small area is filled with spectators cheering and singing along to the song, and despite it being a far cry from any grand stadium Roman has ever battled in, it has more spirit than anything Roman has ever experienced

* It’s the most fun he’s had battling in years

* Virgil is a tough opponent, a testament to his years of pushing himself, but in the end Roman has more experience

* Virgil is devastated at the loss, knowing it would be a blow against the gym’s reputation, but manages to put on a smile and offers Roman a pin: their unofficial gym badge

* Roman smiles, removing his disguise to pin the badge to his clothes and Virgil is like “holy shit that’s Roman the famous fire-type gym leader oh no he’s really hot oh no what have I done I GAVE HIM A HANDMADE PIECE OF SCRAP METAL OH NO”

* And Roman, ignorant to Virgil’s crisis, is like “cmon, we gotta get the paperwork done to establish this place as an official gym!”

* When later asked, Virgil would firmly deny it, but at that moment he had literally burst into tears

* Roman still wears the badge Virgil presented to him to this day, even though Virgil has repeatedly offered him one of the higher-quality badges they now give out as an official gym

* Virgil’s gym is the only one that doesn’t have Dynamax, since he still has some trauma from his mother’s death

* Prinxiety eventually happens because I say so

* And all of the gym leaders are friends also because I say so

I might add more to this AU if people are interested! And feel free to add your own ideas! I’d love to hear what you think!

Sorry for rambling, but if you managed to get this far, thanks for reading! :D

[adhd-bpd-anxiety-dysfunction]

3 Mental Health Books I’ve Learned From

Times change. We are not who we were. We are not threatened by the same things anymore. We do not need the techniques of the past - we need new techniques adapted to surviving and thriving in the present.

Three books on mental health I’ve read this year and what I’ve taken away from them: 

Loving Someone with BPD by Shari Manning

Homecoming: Reclaiming and Healing Your Inner Child by John Bradshaw

Transactional Analysis in Psychotherapy by Eric Berne

1. Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder by Shari Manning 

Despite prejudicial language, this book did have some insights into why BPD sufferers behave the way we do, and what patterns to look for. One thing that stuck with me is that people with BPD start out (in their teens and early twenties) as highly emotional, switching from one emotional state to the next at breakneck speed. They engage in impulsive and reckless behaviour, and it results in a lot of heartbreak, breakdowns and hitting of rock bottom. 

Older people with BPD are then likely to start masking their symptoms. They become numb to emotion, and are overtly controlling of their selves in an effort to avoid the negative consequences mentioned. 

This doesn’t mean the symptoms have disappeared. They are repressed and show themselves in smaller, better hidden ways (like impulsively ordering take out or going on ill-advised shopping sprees). And they are emotionally blank, unable to connect on an emotional level with other people. [This is where I am now.]

(My review, in case you want to check it out.)

2. Homecoming by John Bradshaw

Similar to the concept of transactional analysis, but inner child healing focuses on the regressive Child state, which is essentially a repository for every piece of repressed trauma and forgotten childhood dream we ever had. 

From this book I learned I need to relive pain from the past. At the time, being unable to deal with the pain, the event was repressed or dismissed, and coping mechanisms built around it to ensure the my continued survival. 

But while coping mechanisms may have helped me get to this point, they are inefficient, and often do a lot of harm along the way while maintaining their initial goal. Times change. We are not who we were. We are not threatened by the same things anymore. We do not need the techniques of the past - we need new techniques adapted to surviving and thriving in the present.

So I have committed to going back and reliving past traumas - for the sake of insight, for the sake of processing them, and for the sake of moving on without being a giant ball of fears held together by luck and spit. (And by committed, I mean at some point. I’ll let my therapist decide when we get there, because I am really dreading this. 😁😝)

3. Transactional Analysis in Psychotherapy by Eric Berne

The freedom with which I engaged in emotional recklessness is a thing of the past - I must now hide from myself as I did from my parents in years past.

I’m still reading this book, but it talks about the three “Ego-States”: Parent, Adult and Child. The Parent ego state (exteropsyche) tries to govern and rule where it feels the individual is slipping. This ego state is frequently modelled on one’s own parents and/ or parental figures - it’s morals, goals and principles may not actually line up with that of the actual individual. The Parent gives me considerable trouble in the sense that it is where my constant negativity is rooted. 

You will fail. You weren’t going to be able to finish that anyway. Why do you even bother, when nothing you do has had any effect?

I have been trying to combat negative thoughts for a long time with middling success, and I cannot deny that these are words similar to what my parents have said to us over the years growing up. 

Additionally, Berne notes that the Parent state becomes extremely strict and mean to the Child state after severe negative consequences are experienced, so perhaps this is what is responsible for the masking and emotional numbness. The freedom with which I engaged in emotional recklessness is a thing of the past - I must now hide from myself as I did from my parents in years past. 

The Parent’s strictness must be assuaged and its methods changed if I am to focus on Inner Child Healing - I cannot “reclaim and champion” my “Wonder Child” if a part of me is absorbed in recriminations towards the slightest mistake or misstep I make. 

The last state, the Adult state, is the rational and analytical part of the individual. It is probably the one writing this post, filled as it is with analysis and objectivity (and sadly, detachment). 

This is more or less a summary of the insights I’ve gained through therapy and reading over the last few months. I will take some pleasure in the fact that I have learned these things, even if I have been practically paralyzed by depression for most of that time.  

[ill-will-editions]

QUARANTINE LETTER #4

A fourth letter in our quarantine series, from our friend Icarus.

-----

EVERYTHING IS TRUE, NOTHING IS PERMITTED

“They’ve already destroyed everything, all the structures we believed in, trusted. Maybe we’re in a transitional phase, you know? There’s some sort of substitution going on. Meanwhile, we’re navigating in a tremendous vacuum, vaguely oriented by the stars but with no true reference point. Our compasses have gone wild, spinning madly, attracted by thousands of magnetic poles. We might as well throw them out the window, they’re obsolete. It’s just us and the night sky, like it was for the early explorers, while we wait for new, more advanced navigational devices to be invented. My only fear is that the stars have somehow gotten out of place and will be no help as references either.”

- Ignacio de Loyola Brandao, “And Still the Earth”

Dear friends,

It can be strange to intervene in someone else’s debate, but I don’t believe you’ll hold it against me if I do. Over the past weeks, I’ve rather enjoyed the commentary and exchange of letters between my friends, August, Kora, and Orion.  Something about the reflections of my friends is missing for me still, so I’ll chime in without wasting too much time, I hope.

QUARANTINE: INCOMPLETE—WHAT WE THINK IS HAPPENING IS ONLY SOMEWHAT ACCURATE

Today, millions of people are working. In warehouses, in offices, in fields, kitchens and storerooms; from the computer, the sorting room and at construction sites, millions of Americans are sharing the coronavirus with each other and with their neighbors. Many of them are asymptomatic, a portion are not sick yet, and certainly some of them are still hiding their symptoms from their families, employers, and coworkers. No zombie apocalypse is complete without the inconsiderate hot-head who insists, deceptively, that his injury is “nothing, it’s fine, let’s keep moving”. Orion wrote that the virus imposes “its own temporality, which immobilizes everything.” If only.  

   Logistics, shipping, freight, warehousing: these are some of the largest sectors of the 21st century workforce, and they are all on overtime. From Whole Foods to Old Dominion, these disposable workers are simultaneously killable - insofar as the market facilitates their endangerment via assured contact with the virus - and indispensable, insofar as they must not be allowed to strike, unionize, or cease working that this society may minimally function. In these industries, overwhelmingly, black men and immigrants are crammed into job sites without any protective equipment. In other words, they are proletarians in the classical sense, and they are still at work. A true quarantine, a dignified exodus from the commodity society and its extensive productive apparatus, would halt all forms of labor and toil, a circumstance as yet unrealized. If we can say we are living in a quarantine, we must say that it is still incomplete.

AUTONOMY OR AUTOMATA?—THE PANDEMIC AFFECTS ALL OF HUMANITY—WHICH NO LONGER EXISTS AS SUCH

What we once called "society" (an entity which now insists it can survive unity and distance simultaneously, even distance for the sake of unity), has been replaced by billions of apparatuses. These apparatuses constitute a vast ACEPHALOGRAM - a system of machines designed to trace and retrace the consciousness of a world that has definitively lost its head.

The period of real domination opened by the aggressive economic and political restructuring in the 70s, 80s, and 90s - “globalization” - has pushed a vast quantity of workers out of manufacturing and into service related industries. Services being overall less profitable then commodity manufacturing and heavy industry, other technological implements such as we see emerge from Silicon Valley have filled the gap, so to speak, of lost profits for the economy by allowing large advertising and analysis firms to mine directly the collective human ambitions in art, sex, politics, culture, and society. To open up this mine, which has produced an existential ruin comparable to the environmental ruin associated with mineral mining, the internet has developed as a global network of pseudo participatory information systems. The data thirst of these industries cannot be sated by the administration of facts from the center or top, they must be produced by the masses directly. But technology does not simply catch data falling naturally from the sky or running off the gutters of consciousness. It produces data by arranging relations such that they produce content that can be bought and sold. Under such conditions, the medical, political, technological and ontological crisis of a pandemic cannot help but be experienced as a video, a collection of tweets, graphs, memes, as background noise, as a conspiracy theory, as a genre in the endless relay of notifications.  

THE MIDDLE OF THE BEGINNING OF THE END—WHAT MAKES INDIVIDUAL INTERPRETATION POSSIBLE, MAKES COMMON UNDERSTANDING IMPOSSIBLE.

The truth is that social media has allowed billions of people to coordinate themselves into large and small containers of meaning and virtual energy. These containers, ecosystems of signs and signifiers, by dint of their polycentralized arrangement, function as an epistemological subversion of established truth-making infrastructures that require a certain amount of hegemony or global purchase: the scientific method, fact-checking, and debate. Occasionally, the understanding produced in these containers, theory-fictions more than anything else, incidentally conform to an intensity with physical correlatives capable of overpowering police infrastructures and seizing public space, as we saw across the world in 2019. More often, the echo chambers, as they are often called, curtail feelings of common dialogue and the perception of shared futurity that would be seemingly embedded in such a “global” sharing of information. This curtailing allows people of all “types” to be bundled together as data sets, insulated from the experience of true diversity of thought, of experience, of analysis. The polycentralized arrangement of the internet today may be even less participatory than previous eras of information sharing, even though it doesn’t feel that way.

Commentators and critics have used the ongoing crisis to delay the moment of our collective education with unwavering ideological entrenchment. At work, it is not uncommon for me to hear small business owners and day traders talk about the failures of socialized medicine in  Italy, implicitly endorsing greater privatization in the US. Among activists, liberals, and leftists, it is impossible to imagine a greater indictment on the privatized, decentralized, healthcare system than what is taking place. Apocalyptic Christian sects believe the government is going to repress churches for gathering, and social justice advocates believe the coronavirus crisis will be “the same, but worse” on every oppressive axis. It’s hard to imagine another reflex.

While they recognize that the internet has plunged billions of people into a pulverized simulacrum, some of my comrades would have us devote ourselves to the dissemination of real news, of verified and sober analysis, of scientific rigor, in order to combat the prevailing disarray. This warms my heart just as it saddens my intellect. We have always been machine-breakers, in a way, revolting against the forward and crushing movement of industry to preserve a less alienated experience of reality, labor, and community. We aren’t wrong for that. We should be reliable sources of information, but not because we will convince people with our reports — which may no longer be so possible online — rather because we believe it is the right thing to do, and because we can at least proceed on a clear and shared basis with each other. But what other strategies could we utilize for analyzing the world that would allow us to act within the protracted vertigo, without trapping ourselves or others in ideological camps, and without losing revolutionary aspirations in a world where global verification of facts seems impossible, but where universal need for a transformation, fascistic or revolutionary, feels like common sense?

EVERYTHING IS TRUE, NOTHING IS PERMITTED—THE SYSTEM REDUCES ITSELF TO A PURE FLUX OF DYNAMICS

“We dreamed of utopia and woke up screaming

A poor lonely cowboy that comes back home, what a wonder”

-Roberto Bolano, “Leave Everything, Again”

For millennia, the administration of public facts was the cornerstone of political power, and stamping out alternative readings the chief objective of the repressive machinery. The ruling bureaucracy has organized itself to prevent any global loss of control. They’ve always done that. What is surprising is how readily, since 9/11 at least, perhaps much earlier, they have abandoned many important methods for doing so. As the possibility of imagining its own future became increasingly stamped-out, the reigning order abandoned any pretense of pursuing the ideals it propped itself up on, its sole promise being to ward-off unforeseen eventualities. Without embarrassing myself with long-winded arguments about things I am ill-equipped to discuss - certainly less knowledgeable than my dear friends are on such matters as philosophy and critical works - I’d prefer to refer to an argument advanced by Brian Massumi in his essay “National Emergency Enterprise”. In this piece, he argues that a primary strategy of governance is to identify all possible causes of a scenario. The market refashions environments that submit the living tissue of relations one and all to technological “dataveillance”, information which, in principle, allows the administrators of such a system to model its every possible outcome, translating every action into a trans-action, while ensuring that every aberration meets a form of control. He utilizes the example of a forest fire, but we can just look at the pandemic and it’s consequences.

   The ruling class everywhere, has argued and governed as if the coronavirus is "merely the flu", justifying late responses and insufficient care, while also closing borders and taking emergency measures as if we are living in a veritable plague. There are strategies attached to every discourse, interests silently advanced with each interpretation, and powers produced and mobilized by every kind of theory and operation. Anyway, we have been living in the fall out of multiple convergent strategies for controlling and responding to this situation.  The governors of the world, at least of the democratic countries, are basically throwing things against a wall and seeing what sticks.  We can imagine that modeling and predictions are conducted endlessly based on analytics produced through data mining and network analysis purchased from Google, Facebook, Twitter, and elsewhere. As technocratic governments subordinate welfare states to the "science" of neoliberalism, the nihilism of the powerful today subordinates everything to the "science" of control.

Anyway, who organizes oblivion today acts with no principles and can only speak in lies. What does this mean for the rest of us?

NOTHING IS EVERYTHING, TRUE IS PERMITTED—TRUTH DOES NOT REQUIRE A SUBJECT ONLY LIES DO. LET'S KEEP IT REAL, WHATEVER THAT IS.

   We can and are responding to this situation. The most important thing, from my perspective, is that we develop a vibrant enough ecosystem of strategies, corresponding to the largest possible interpretation of facts, without dividing our sympathies and concerns into rival fiefdoms and ideological sects. There are benefits to arguing that nothing of the situation is unique, that in fact the worst off before are the worst off now, that today simply represents an opportunity for us, etc. I am not among the comrades advancing this position, but I want to see the results of that framework as soon as possible, if it does not in fact raise the threshold for meaningful interventions. There are benefits to arguing that the quarantine is not deep enough, that the politics of mobilization have failed utterly to devastate the economy, but that a true lock down of the world could resemble the worlds first ever international wildcat general strike. I want to hear advocates of this position contend with the possibility of carceral interpretations of this argument. For those planting survival gardens, for those running autonomous rent strike hotlines, for those training in firearms, I want us to develop a shared enough perspective to see that there is a simple unity in our strategies, which is what is precisely, and incorrectly, attacked in Kora’s most recent letter to Orion: our autonomy. Beyond any individualistic misinterpretations, it is my perspective that the ability of human beings to self-authorize our activity, to determine our shared destinies, to control supply chains, vital infrastructures, and means of subsistence without the mediating factors of the market, are necessary prerequisites for a dignified life on earth. This is not to say, as Kora has intelligently argued, that anyone could come to control the unfolding course of history - a delusion that preppers, governors, and revolutionaries have all held - but precisely that autonomous, self-organized, structures are the only structures capable of responding quickly enough to the destabilizing, frightening, and uncertain futures lying in wait regardless of what we or anyone else do. We must utilize the current situation to repolarize the circumstances to the best of our ability around foundational concerns of power: on the one hand, there are all of the people of the world, some of them bastards we would not live with, and our shared need for dignified healthcare, housing, sustenance, and livelihood; and on the other hand there are all of the bastards waiting this out on yachts, manipulating public data for the sake of a geopolitical PR battle, utilizing the pandemic to pursue totalitarian power fantasies and clampdowns. We don’t need to steer the ship forward, we need to be able to swim in the wreckage.

Sorry, I wrote too much. Thanks for reading and I look forward to reading what others think soon.

-- Icarus

04.11.2020

STATE OF EMERGENCY, DAY 40

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

[imaginepirates]

Reasons James is a Slytherin

In my response to @itsdumbbitchhours for their ship request, I mentioned James being a Slytherin. In this essay I will…

Alright, so I’m going to reference the fanwiki quite a bit here.

Slytherins have the attributes of “resourcefulness, cunning, ambition, leadership, determination, and self-preservation”. I’ll expand on these as I go.

I’m going to start with ambition. James, as we know, has achieved a high rank in the navy at a shockingly young age. Part of this is due to the fact that James’ father, Admiral Lawrence Norrington, was such a huge figure in the navy, I’m sure. Still, James wouldn’t have gotten anywhere without a little ambition. He had to work hard for his position, and he gave up a lot of his social life to climb the ranks. If he didn’t have an ambitious streak, it never would have happened. Also, in DMC he trades the heart for his job back, plus a promotion. Jack calls it “the dark side of ambition”, and he’s right. James could’ve stayed with Elizabeth on the Pearl, but he didn’t. The obvious argument is that James took the heart to protect Elizabeth, but he also took it to get his position back. Even in the state he was in, he couldn’t give up his ambition to become more than what he was.

The man is a leader. He’s been in the military for most of his life, so he’s been around officers, and he knows what leadership looks like. When he became an officer himself, he knew how to act. He can deftly give orders, as seen throughout the movies, and he’s respected by his subordinates. He’s looked up to, as well. Under his leadership, his men are often victorious against adversaries. James climbs the ranks, assuming a new, different position of leadership each time. He finds himself leading quite a few people by the end. Even when he’s not giving direct orders, he takes the leadership role in things. James managed to lead Elizabeth and her new crew of the Empress to a better fate. Unfortunately, it’s the last act of leadership we see from him. *cries*.

Determination. Where do I even start? To do well in anything, you have to push yourself, and god knows James did well. He exemplified the trait, being so determined to rid the Caribbean of piracy. In his younger years, he desperately wanted to prove himself to his father, too. His determination began at a young age, and probably stemmed from some anxiety. He also pushes himself to protect Elizabeth; he literally leads an entire military expedition to find her. In all seriousness, the chances that he was going to find her were slim, but he did it anyway. He literally fought people who couldn’t die because he wanted to keep his promise to Elizabeth about finding Will. He hunted Jack Sparrow straight through a hurricane to try catching him. (Stupid, but we still love him). I mean, he seriously thought he could beat a hurricane if he tried hard enough. Sheesh. Plus, when he saw a chance to regain his old life after the events of DMC, he got there. Again, he resolved to save Elizabeth in the end, knowing he would die in the effort.

Self-preservation only partially applies. The actual Slytherin fanwiki says it’s due to the fact that “���Slytherins tend to hesitate before acting, so as to weigh all possible outcomes before deciding exactly what should be done”. As an officer in the military, James is constantly doing this, but it’s to ensure the safety of his crew, not just himself. That being said, he wouldn’t throw himself into situations that could blatantly kill him. However, the most humorous display of self-preservation we see is when he throws the chest from DMC at the feet of Davy Jones’ crew and runs off. Still, his entire plan to take the letters of marque was a form of preservation. He was preserving the life he once had, refusing to let it go.

As for resourcefulness, I have no doubt Norrington was. Every military officer has to be resourceful, otherwise they won’t last long. He was resourceful enough to figure out how to survive on his own in Tortuga, which was a completely different lifestyle than the one he was used to. He figured out that returning the heart to Beckett would get him somewhere, too. I think he had a lot of resources in the navy, but there had to be times when quick-thinking saved him. Everyone has those moments, after all.

As I read through the fanwiki, I stumbled across this gem, too. “Another characteristic some Slytherins share is a tendency towards deep, unrequited love.” Oof. We all know James loved Elizabeth more than life itself, so this fits perfectly. Slytherins are associated with the element of water, which is an element of emotions. As much as James represses his own, he definitely feels them at a deep level. His love for Elizabeth shaped a lot of his life, much like Snape’s love for Lily, although James was much less bitter. He knows that Elizabeth doesn’t love him, but he continues to be there when she needs him most and he tries to protect her and her family as best as he can. His love was tragic, but he used it in a positive way to help her out. (Seriously, the fact that he never placed any blame for his pain on her makes me so happy). RIP our heartbroken boi. Looks like Slytherins can’t manage to get girls. Damn.

Sharing a Hogwarts house is important because people tend to bond with people who are similar to them. Therefore, James would bond well with people who share some of his attributes. I think ambition and determination would be important to him, and he would like to see them in a partner. Also, he’d be attracted to leadership. I mean, he loved Elizabeth, and she was Pirate King, so. He’d be better suited to people who are quieter and more introverted like he is, and who don’t pressure him to attend social events. He would want to be around somebody like him, someone who understands him. He wants someone who gets why he feels so pressured to do well, a feeling a lot of Slytherins experience. I know that it’s certainly easier for me to bond with people I share a house with, just because we get each other. Our quirks aren’t weird because some of us have the same ones. It’s just easier to maintain a friendship/relationship with someone who understands you on that level. I know the whole “opposites attract” thing, but I personally think it would be really important for James to be with somebody who completely gets him and is a lot like him.

[gothamslimpestwrist]

s1e3 the balloonman

killcount: 

davis lamond: ronald danzer, bill cranston, dog walking lady (on accident), cardinal quinn

oswald cobblepot: mob mook who tried to sell him back to fish, dish washer @ bamonte’s

butch gilzean (offscreen, on orders from fish mooney): “natalia” (falcone’s girl), “lazlo” (fish’s lover)

episode total: 8 total count: 20

the dark knight rises: lots. this is the first vigilante villain in the show, and the response to him going after corruption foreshadows a city willing to accept the protection of a batman. the cops are bad; we see cranston, who beats suspects w/ his “partner o’brien” (a trophy). harvey goes out of his way to emphasize that cranston’s not that bad, which is probably true for cop standards. he beats a suspect in custody and a drug dealer he’s got a deal with. and that’s not nearly the worst of the shit this city has seen. oswald returns and sees a kid picking pockets, a cop taking “protection” money, a mugger running off with a purse, and some hookers soliciting, pretty much in the same 30 seconds. 

the city is sick. it needs someone. 

on bruce’s end, though, he’s like...legit not doing so well. he’s starving himself now, and he’s obsessed w/ the pictures he got of his parents’ dead bodies. he says he’s looking for clues (to which alfred snarks, “oh, so you’re a detective now?” ...yeah, the World’s Greatest Detective), but if you think about the sword fighting scene, alfred is trying to turn the “training” into something productive and channel bruce’s feelings, but bruce repeatedly states that he doesn’t want to do this, while alfred continues to hit him anyway. alfred is trying, you know? but he’s not yet a substitute for a real parent, much less a psychiatrist. he’s the one who pushes bruce toward actually training and fighting and repressing his emotions, rather than going to a therapist and being treated and learning to move on. i would argue that one of the things the first season does rather well is illustrate alfred in that role--bruce has, perhaps, the potential to become batman from the start, but alfred is the one who pushes him down that path by closing down the other ones.

gotham, in its infinite subtleties, does two more things with the balloonman: set up bruce’s “no kill” rule (although the gentle art of making enemies does this again and better) by having him comment that, because the balloonman killed people, he was no better than the criminals. (to be fair, this is more acceptable coming from a sheltered, traumatized 14 year old who just saw his parents murdered than it is from jim, a literal murderer, who espouses the same logic), and establish the need for batman with the question by reporter: “now that the balloonman is gone, who will defend the people of gotham?” 

who, indeed.

(sidenote: this has been a set piece since episode 1, but i did want to discuss the oath of the horatii in the wayne manor living room. i took art history once in high school and it made me insufferable for the rest of my life.

so, like, the painting depicts 3 brothers pledging to defend this city state with their lives--very subtle. but also, as backstory, of the 3 brothers, only 1 survives to actually do that. i would argue that this is sort of a showcase to the origins of batman. three potential defenders: thomas wayne, jim gordon, and bruce. thomas wayne, obviously, is dead. jim isn’t, but we all know that eventually there will be a moral failure that ends with his ideology also failing to protect the city. meanwhile, bruce will “survive” to become the dark knight....

oh, and the lady in the corner crying over there is the sister of these brothers, who was to be engaged to one of the men who they’re going out to kill. no matter who wins, she’s going to lose someone she loves, and i think that’s also about bruce’s path for the show... he can save the city or he can’t, but no one is coming out of this happily.)

continuity: oswald makes it back to gotham. now shit gets serious <3

he weasels his way into the dishwasher position at bamonte’s, maroni’s favorite restaurant. we meet maroni, falcone’s strongest competitor, who we heard of last time. oswald’s just a dishwasher for now... but he’s got plans. moving on up. meanwhile, both maroni and falcone make vague references to arkham, without yet revealing why it’s important. it’s just this Thing, and it’s gonna change the city. jim is confronted by montoya, worries about the way that she and allen are investigating the death of oswald. harvey says, “end of the day, nobody cares about cobblepot.” oh, if only he knew what the one piece of the puzzle could do... if only he saw things like oswald, in fact, who affirms, “gotham needs me! i am its future!” he’s... partially right. but not just you, sugarpot. really, mostly, bruce.

fish’s lover lazlo returns for the dead; fish has him killed for “bringing down the mood” after the beating he got in 1x2. so there’s confirmation; those tears weren’t for him, they were for what the action from falcone against her signified. fish turns montoya and allen onto jim gordon for cobblepot’s murder (in an act that comes full circle--penguin having started this cycle of revenge by turning montoya and allen onto fish and the gcpd at large for the murder of mario pepper), while mostly trying to push them against falcone, just a little. 

on a less plot-y note, lamond was a juvenile services worker whose last straw was the mayor using the childsnatchers from last episode to lock up gotham’s youth. so, 1x2 directly caused 1x3, and dollmaker caused 1x2. the wheels turn...

oh! and jim places selina at the scene of the wayne murder. so that plot moves.

sliding scale of barbara kean’s sanity: the stress of living with jim gordon is starting to get to her. she tries to lift him up, but once he’s gone, she gets high. montoya visits, and they rehash some old history before montoya tells her that jim killed oswald cobblepot. so that’s out... she also kisses barbara, and cracks are forming in her stable facade. how much longer can she last?

jim gordon trauma count: he falls like 20 feet onto a car. he should be a lot more fucked up than he is; lamond makes almost the same fall and breaks his neck. i think he at least got some cracked ribs, or something. 

characterization: interesting one for jim. we explore a bit of the way he thinks; he’s troubled by the fact that people only cared about what the balloonman was doing (in such a way that they were moved to stop him) when he killed a cop & not when he killed a corrupt politician, bc he thinks Murder Is Wrong. at the same time, the first guy really wouldn’t have seen the inside of a jail cell. so what does that mean for jim’s ideology? he clings to The Law bc that’s what he thinks separates good and bad--but that’s a copout (cop out, haha). that’s the moral complexities of a child, james. if he clings to the law, then he has someone else deciding what’s right and what’s wrong, what’s moral and just. but what if the laws are bad, or can’t protect people, even when upheld exactly to the letter? what then? jim got so used to following orders that he forgot how to make his own moral code--or he’s too scared to. But, we see hints of him doing it anyway. he’s troubled when barbara tries to praise him for his heroism, but maybe just bc he broke the law & got away with it. “everyone matters, or no one does” is a good start, jim. just examine who the laws are really made to help. 

for oswald: he gives his name as paolo to maroni when he’s trying to gain his confidence. i made a meta post about this on my other blog (which i plan to link in my next post), but the short version is that, for me, the name recalled paolo malatesta (a historical figure, but most notable for being one of the sinners in dante’s inferno), who was once said to be “a romantic sort, a man not really interested in the world around him.” ...this being oswald’s cover name when he wants maroni to think that he’s not paying any attention to what goes on around him at all. there’s also the more tenuous link of him giving his name as “dmitri,” which is derived from the greek goddess demeter, to the fish mook who recognizes him; demeter being the goddess of fertility, health, law, gotham’s future...

gobblepot: “hello, james. old friend.” oswald comes back to gotham and the immediate first thing he does after ensuring his sneaky little scheme is visiting jim--before gertrud, no less. and at jim’s girlfriend’s apartment. hm!!!

[digitaldreams0801]

Fallen Warriors Sketch Dump

These are drawings of four of the five Fallen Legendary Warriors (the fifth being Duskmon) for my Frontier rewrite, ‘Frontiers Unexplored’! I’m going to go over some info about all of them and their dynamic as a group. They’re known as the Fallen Warriors since they work for Cherubimon and were corrupted upon entering the Digital World. All five of them were bombarded with Spirits immediately upon arriving, and Cherubimon injected the Spirits with a virus to keep them under his thumb. The Spirits maintained most of their regular personalities, but they have darker undertones under the corruption. 

Aeoelmon, Legendary Warrior of Earth

Aeoelmon is easily the most ‘goggle head-like’ out of the group’s members, but they are far from being the leader. Aeoelmon is brash, reckless, and confrontational, seeming to always feel unstable and unsafe with the rest of the Warriors. They gain their Beast Spirit second out of the group’s members (only after Lyramon), and they easily have some of the worst control issues. Aeoelmon tends to bottle up their emotions, growing defensive and angry when someone tries to call them out on their issues. They hate being touched and tend to get violent if someone touches them without consent. Aeoelmon is the tankiest when it comes to physical attacks, and they can more than dish out whatever hits they take while fighting with their gauntlets. They have raw physical strength on their side. While some might find them to be the ‘dumb meathead’, this is far from the case. Aeoelmon is stubborn, yes, but they are still incredibly smart, though this does nothing to calm their constant anger with Lyramon. They don’t get along with Duskmon in the slightest, finding him to be standoffish. Aeoelmon sometimes attacks themselves when they lose control of their Beast Spirit due to an undying hate of the body they live in. Comments regarding such bother them to no end and can prompt fights. They seem awful to work with at first, but they become much easier to interact with after they have grown to trust others. Aeoelmon takes a while to open up to others, but they become far less defensive after coming to trust them. 

Fioremon, Legendary Warrior of Wood

Fioremon is a pacifist most of the time, only choosing to go along with fighting the Risen Warriors (Takuya’s team) because of her faith in Lyramon. She is careful and delicate, never rushing into danger as Aeoelmon would. Fioremon is elegant and cautious, afraid of taking chances in case backlash occurs. She knows that Lyramon is a strong leader and defers to them fully. Fioremon struggles to stand up for herself, instead letting others push her around. This isn’t much of an issue within the Fallen Warriors, but her passive nature does still get her into problems. Fioremon fears others getting too close to her in case it results in her being hurt. She represses her emotions, believing that perhaps her pain will go away if she chooses to ignore it. Fioremon is a strong actress, able to hide however she feels behind a delicate smile that most others seem to believe in save for Lyramon. She fights with a bow and arrow, relying heavily on speed, accuracy, and her spell casting abilities. Fioremon keeps her distance from the others, scared of getting too close, but she does respect Aeoelmon and Oceaniamon for being strong in their own ways. Fioremon tends to leave Duskmon be for the most part. While he doesn’t pick favorites, Fioremon would probably be the closest thing to a favorite Duskmon has. 

Oceaniamon, Legendary Warrior of Water

Oceaniamon is similar to Fioremon in the way that she hates violence, but she lacks the same faith in Lyramon that Fioremon possesses. She is paranoid about most things, never wanting anyone to come close should it wind up with her suffering. When something does happen, Oceaniamon is something of a doormat, following the nearest authority figure out of fear for her wellbeing. Oceaniamon and Fioremon are similar in this way, but where Fioremon is able to hide her true feelings behind a smile, Oceaniamon struggles to maintain a proper facade, showing her constant panic often. Oceaniamon has heavy issues with anxiety, and getting closer to others physically in a negative way frightens her, prompting her to fight from afar using a sapphire staff she conjures in battle. She fears the other members of the Legendary Warriors, causing her to keep her distance. Lyramon’s shady nature frightens her while Aeoelmon’s temper puts her off. Fioremon rarely approaches Oceaniamon, so the two don’t speak much despite being rather similar. Oceaniamon constantly questions herself, believing she isn’t strong with making decisions. It takes her a long time to recognize that something is wrong when she is being hurt since she accepts it as normal and something she deserves for too long. 

Lyramon, Legendary Warrior of Steel

Lyramon is the leader of the group much to the anger of Aeoelmon. They were given their Beast Spirit upon arriving in the Digital World, and they had minimal issues with controlling it where the other three struggle. For quite some time, Lyramon is the only one with a Beast Spirit, but they choose not to use it, relying on strategy and their wits instead to win. They are a flawless strategist, always seeing things from a variety of perspectives. They repeatedly lead the Warriors to victory. Lyramon is incredible when it comes to acting, able to put up a front effortlessly. Their eyes are hidden as a way of alluding to their untrustworthy nature. Lyramon very rarely opens up to others, believing that it isn’t important for others to get involved with such. They value survival above all else and will go to any means necessary to ensure the survival of themselves. Lyramon cares for their comrades, but it is mostly out of obligation. Fioremon follows Lyramon since they are an authority figure, and Oceaniamon is too afraid to speak out against the shifty Lyramon. Duskmon and Lyramon tend to avoid each other since Duskmon finds them intolerable. Aeoelmon and Lyramon frequently clash due to Aeoelmon being stubborn and hating to be bossed around. Lyramon, on the other hand, always has to feel in control of a situation in order to be secure. Lyramon keeps their cool always, very rarely growing angry or flustered. They are known to be impossible to read since it seems as if they are always thinking five steps ahead of any other players in Cherubimon’s war game. They fight with a rapier and shield (third picture), and they have the ability to read the minds of others. Lyramon is telekinetic and can deflect the attacks of others using their shield. They are fast and almost always on the defensive. 

Duskmon, Legendary Warrior of Darkness (Not Pictured)

I didn’t draw Duskmon since he appears in canon, but he takes on much the same role as in the show. He hates associating with the rest of the group, finding them to be weak. He and Aeoelmon don’t get along due to the latter being confrontational when faced with threatening figures. Fioremon respects Duskmon’s need for space since she’s a natural introvert, so while the don’t speak much, Duskmon prefers her to the others. Oceaniamon actively avoids Duskmon since he terrifies her, and he sees her fear as a sign of weakness. Duskmon despises Lyramon for acting better than the rest of the group. He says that he cannot trust someone so secretive despite being just as bad as Lyramon in that department. Duskmon has the most raw power of the group thanks to Cherubimon granting him immense strength. Being in the area of Darkness all the time only boosts his power. Duskmon is, simply put, a nearly emotionless soldier, regarding the rest of the world with disdain. Duskmon is not the true Legendary Warrior of Darkness in the slightest though. Since Koichi’s body didn’t make the trip into the Digital World, Cherubimon was able to corrupt his soul, creating Duskmon as a result. Duskmon is notably unstable since he isn’t the true Spirit of Darkness, and when he shifts into Beast or Unified form, he goes wild with a lack of control, attacking friend and foe alike. 

Ending Notes

There you go! Information about all of the Fallen Warriors working for Cherubimon in Frontiers Unexplored! I have two other OC Warriors that I’ll hopefully be able to show off soon (Kirismon and Orionmon, Warriors of Energy and Cosmos respectively), but until then, enjoy this group! 

[supposedlyawitch]

shadow work

i found a site that explains shadow work and i want to do some work with it and i’m willing to share the details the site has here. I’m putting this also here so i can look back on it. I already know my shadow is probably bigger and deeper than all the oceans combined. it might be interesting to explore, it might not, but it has to be done. This is basically free therapy.

Please note: Shadow Work exercises should not be undertaken if you struggle with low self-esteem. Exploring your demons will likely make you feel a million times worse about yourself and may spiral into self-hatred. Before doing Shadow Work, I strongly and emphatically encourage you to work on Self-Love. Shadow Work should only be undertaken by those who have healthy and stable self-worth, and a friendly relationship with themselves. See this article on how to love yourself for more guidance.

Why Focusing Only on the Light is a Form of Escapism

For most of my life, I’ve grown up firmly believing that the only thing worthy of guiding me was “light” and “love.” Whether through the family environment I was raised in, or the cultural myths I was brought up clinging to, I once believed that all you really needed to do in life to be happy was to focus on everything beautiful, positive and spiritually “righteous.” I’m sure you were raised believing a similar story as well. It’s a sort of “Recipe for Well-Being.”

But a few years ago, after battling ongoing mental health issues, I realized something shocking:

I was wrong.

Not just wrong, but completely and utterly off the mark. Focusing only on “love and light” will not heal your wounds on a deep level. In fact, I’ve learned through a lot of heavy inner work, that not only is focusing solely on “holiness” in life one side of the equation, but it is actually a form of spiritually bypassing your deeper, darker problems that, let me assure you, almost definitely exist.

It is very easy and comfortable to focus only on the light side of life. So many people in today’s world follow this path. And while it might provide some temporary emotional support, it doesn’t reach to the depths of your being: it doesn’t transform you at a core level. Instead, it leaves you superficially hanging onto warm and fuzzy platitudes which sound nice, but don’t enact any real change.

What DOES touch the very depths of your being, however, is exploring your Shadow.

What is the Human Shadow?

In short, the human shadow is our dark side; our lost and forgotten disowned self. Your shadow is the place within you that contains all of your secrets, repressed feelings, primitive impulses, and parts deemed “unacceptable,” shameful, “sinful” or even “evil.” This dark place lurking within your unconscious mind also contains suppressed and rejected emotions such as rage, jealousy, hatred, greed, deceitfulness, and selfishness.

So where did the Shadow Self idea originate? The concept was originally coined and explored by Swiss psychiatrist and psychoanalyst, Carl Jung. In Jung’s own words:

“Everyone carries a shadow, and the less it is embodied in the individual’s conscious life, the blacker and denser it is.”

When the human Shadow is shunned, it tends to undermine and sabotage our lives. Addictions, low self-esteem, mental illness, chronic illnesses, and various neuroses are all attributed to the Shadow Self. When our Shadows are suppressed or repressed in the unconscious long enough, they can even overtake our entire lives and causes psychosis or extreme forms of behavior like cheating on one’s partner or physically harming others. Intoxicants such as alcohol and drugs also have a tendency to unleash the Shadow.

Thankfully, there is a way to explore the Shadow and prevent it from devouring our existence, and that is called Shadow Work.

What is Shadow Work?

Shadow work is the process of exploring your inner darkness or “Shadow Self.” As mentioned previously, your Shadow Self is part of your unconscious mind and contains everything you feel ashamed of thinking and feeling, as well as every impulse, repressed idea, desire, fear and perversion that for one reason or another, you have “locked away” consciously or unconsciously. Often this is done as a way of keeping yourself tame, likable and “civilized” in the eyes of others.

Shadow work is the attempt to uncover everything that we have hidden and every part of us that has been disowned and rejected within our Shadow Selves. Why? Because without revealing to ourselves what we have hidden, we remain burdened with problems such as anger, guilt, shame, disgust, and grief.

All throughout the history of mankind Shadow Work has played a powerful yet mysterious and occult role in helping us discover what is causing us mental illness, physical dis-ease and even insanity resulting in crimes of all kinds.

Traditionally, Shadow Work fell in the realm of the Shamans, or medicine people, as well as the priests and priestesses of the archaic periods of history.  These days, Shadow Work falls more commonly in the realms of psychotherapy, with psychologists, psychiatrists, spiritual guides, and therapists.

Do We All Have a Shadow Self?

Yes, we ALL have a Shadow Self (see our Collective Shadow article for a deeper explanation).

As uncomfortable as it may sound, there is a dark side within every human being. Why is this the case? The reason why all human beings have a shadow is due to the way we were raised as human beings, often referred to as our ‘conditioning.’ (We’ll explore how the Shadow is formed next.)

“But I’m a good person! I don’t have a ‘shadow’ side,” you might be thinking. Well, the reality is that yes, you might be a good person. In fact, you might be the most generous, loving, and selfless person in the entire world. You might feed the hungry, save puppies, and donate half of your salary to the poor. But that doesn’t exclude you from having a Shadow. There are no exceptions here. The nature of being human is to possess both a light and a dark side, and we need to embrace that.

Sometimes, when people hear that they have a Shadow side (or when it is pointed out), there is a lot of denial. We have been taught to perceive ourselves in a very two-dimensional and limited way. We have been taught that only criminals, murderers, and thieves have a Shadow side. This black and white thinking is one of the major causes of our suffering.

If the thought of having a Shadow side disturbs you, take a moment to consider whether you have developed an idealized self. Signs of an idealized self include attitudes such as:

“I’m not like those people, I’m better.”

“I have never strayed.”

“God is proud of me.”

“Criminals and wrongdoers aren’t human.”

“Everyone sees how good I am (even so, I have to remind them).”

“I’m a role model.”

“I should be validated and applauded for my good deeds.”

“I don’t have bad thoughts, so why do others?”

Such perceptions about oneself are unrealistic, unhealthy, and largely delusional. The only way to find inner peace, happiness, authentic love, self-fulfillment, and Illumination is to explore our Shadows.

How is Our Shadow Side Formed?

Your Shadow side is formed in childhood and is both (a) a product of natural ego development, and (b) a product of conditioning or socialization. Socialization is the process of learning to behave in a way that is acceptable to society.

When we are born, we are are all full of potential, with the ability to survive and develop in a variety of ways. As time goes on, we learn more and more to become a certain type of person. Slowly, due to our circumstances and preferences, we begin to adopt certain character traits and reject others. For example, if we are born into a family that shows little interpersonal warmth, we will develop personality traits that make us self-sufficient and perhaps standoffish or mind-oriented. If we are born into a family that rewards compliance and shuns rebellion, we will learn that being submissive works, and thus adopt that as part of our ego structure.

As authors and Jungian therapists Steve Price and David Haynes write:

But, as we develop our ego personality, we also do something else at the same time. What has happened to all those parts of our original potential that we didn’t develop? They won’t just cease to exist: they will still be there, as potential or as partly developed, then rejected, personality attributes, and they will live on in the unconscious as an alternative to the waking ego. So, by the very act of creating a specifically delineated ego personality, we have also created its opposite in the unconscious. This is the shadow. Everyone has one.

As we can see, developing the Shadow Self is a natural part of development.

But you also formed an alter ego due to social conditioning, i.e. your parents, family members, teachers, friends, and society at large all contributed to your Shadow.

How?

Well here’s the thing: polite society operates under certain rules. In other words, certain behaviors and characteristics are approved of, while others are shunned. Take anger for example. Anger is an emotion that is commonly punished while growing up. Throwing tantrums, swearing, and destroying things was frowned upon by our parents and teachers. Therefore, many of us learned that expressing anger was not “OK.” Instead of being taught healthy ways to express our anger, we were punished sometimes physically (with smacks or being grounded), and often emotionally (withdrawal of love and affection).

There are countless behaviors, emotions, and beliefs that are rejected in society, and thus, are rejected by ourselves. In order to fit in, be accepted, approved, and loved, we learned to act a certain way. We adopted a role that would ensure our mental, emotional, and physical survival. But at the same time, wearing a mask has consequences. What happened to all the authentic, wild, socially taboo or challenging parts of ourselves? They were trapped in the Shadow.

What happens as we grow up?

Through time, we learn to both enjoy, and despise, our socially-approved egos because, on the one hand, they make us feel good and “lovable,” but on the other hand, they feel phony and inhibited.

Therapist Steve Wolf has a perfect analogy that describes this process:

Each of us is like Dorian Grey. We seek to present a beautiful, innocent face to the world; a kind, courteous demeanour; a youthful, intelligent image. And so, unknowingly but inevitably, we push away those qualities that do not fit the image, that do not enhance our self-esteem and make us stand proud but, instead, bring us shame and make us feel small. We shove into the dark cavern of the unconscious those feelings that make us uneasy — hatred, rage, jealousy, greed, competition, lust, shame — and those behaviours that are deemed wrong by the culture — addiction, laziness, aggression, dependency — thereby creating what could be called shadow content. Like Dorian’s painting, these qualities ultimately take on a life of their own, forming and invisible twin that lives just behind our life, or just beside it …

But while the Shadow Self may be portrayed as our “evil twin,” it is not entirely full of “bad” stuff. There is actually gold to be found within the Shadow.

What is the Golden Shadow?

Jung once states that “the shadow is ninety percent pure gold.” What this means is that there are many beautiful gifts offered to us by our Shadow side if we take the time to look. For example, so much of our creative potential is submerged within our darkness because we were taught when little to reject it.

Not everything within our Shadow is doom and gloom. In fact, the Shadow contains some of our most powerful gifts and talents, such as our artistic, sexual, competitive, innovative, and even intuitive aptitudes.

The ‘Golden Shadow’ also presents us with the opportunity for tremendous psychological and spiritual growth. By doing Shadow Work, we learn that every single emotion and wound that we possess has a gift to share with us. Even the most obnoxious, “ugly,” or shameful parts of ourselves provide a path back to Oneness. Such is the power of the Shadow – it is both a terrifying journey, but is ultimately a path to Enlightenment or Illumination. Every spiritual path needs Shadow Work in order to prevent the issues from happening that we’ll explore next.

What Happens When You Reject Your Shadow?

When shadow-work is neglected, the soul feels dry, brittle, like an empty vessel. — S. Wolf

Rejecting, suppressing, denying, or disowning your Shadow, whether consciously or unconsciously, is a dangerous thing. The thing about the Shadow Self is that it seeks to be known. It yearns to be understood, explored, and integrated. It craves to be held in awareness. The longer the Shadow stays buried and locked in its jail cell deep within the unconscious, the more it will find opportunities to make you aware of its existence.

Both religion and modern spirituality have a tendency to focus on the “love and light” aspects of spiritual growth to their own doom. This over-emphasis on the fluffy, transcendental, and feel-good elements of a spiritual awakening results in shallowness and phobia of whatever is too real, earthy, or dark.

Spiritually bypassing one’s inner darkness results in a whole range of serious issues. Some of the most common and reoccurring Shadow issues that appear in the spiritual/religious community include pedophilia among priests, financial manipulation of followers among gurus, and of course, megalomania, narcissism, and God complexes among spiritual teachers.

Other issues that arise when we reject our Shadow side can include:

Hypocrisy (believing and supporting one thing, but doing the other)

Lies and self-deceit (both towards oneself and others)

Uncontrollable bursts of rage/anger

Emotional and mental manipulation of others

Greed and addictions

Phobias and obsessive compulsions

Racist, sexist, homophobic, and other offensive behavior

Intense anxiety

Chronic psychosomatic illness

Depression (which can turn into suicidal tendencies)

Sexual perversion

Narcissistically inflated ego

Chaotic relationships with others

Self-loathing

Self-absorption

Self-sabotage

… and many others. This is by no means a comprehensive list (and there are likely many other issues out there). As we’ll learn next, one of the greatest ways we reject our Shadows is through psychological projection.

The Shadow and Projection (a Dangerous Mix)

One of the biggest forms of Shadow rejection is something called projection. Projection is a term that refers to seeing things in others that are actually within ourselves.

When we pair projection and the Shadow Self together, we have a dangerous mix.

Why?

Because as psychotherapist Robert A. Johnson writes:

We generally seek to punish that which reminds us most uncomfortable about the part of ourselves that we have not come to terms with, and we often ‘see’ these disowned qualities in the world around us.

There are many different ways we ‘punish’ those who are mirrors of our Shadow qualities. We may criticize, reject, hate, dehumanize, or even in extreme cases, physically or psychologically seek to destroy them (think of countries who go at war with the “enemies”). None of us are innocent in this area. We have ALL projected parts of our rejected self onto others. In fact, Shadow projection is a major cause of relationship dysfunction and break down.

If we are seeking to bring peace, love, and meaning to our lives, we absolutely MUST reclaim these projections. Through Shadow Work, we can explore exactly what we have disowned.

Twelve Benefits of Shadow Work

Firstly, I want to say that I have the highest respect for Shadow Work. It is the single most important path I’ve taken to uncover my core wounds, core beliefs, traumas, and projections. I have also observed how Shadow Work has helped to create profound clarity, understanding, harmony, acceptance, release, and inner peace in the lives of others. It is truly deep work that makes changes on the Soul level targeting the very roots of our issues, not just the superficial symptoms.

There is SO much to be gained from making Shadow Work a part of your life, and daily routine. Here are some of the most commonly experienced benefits:

Deeper love and acceptance of yourself

Better relationships with others, including your partner and children

More confidence to be your authentic self

More mental, emotional, and spiritual clarity

Increased compassion and understanding for others, particularly those you dislike

Enhanced creativity

Discovery of hidden gifts and talents

Deepened understanding of your passions and ultimate life purpose

Improved physical and mental health

More courage to face the unknown and truly live life

Access to your Soul or Higher Self

A feeling of Wholeness

It’s important to remember that there are no quick fixes in Shadow Work, so these life-changing benefits don’t just happen overnight. But with persistence, they will eventually emerge and bless your life.

Seven Tips For Approaching Shadow Work

Before you begin Shadow Work, it’s important for you to assess whether you’re ready to embark on this journey. Not everyone is prepared for this deep work, and that’s fine. We’re all at different stages. So pay attention to the following questions and try to answer them honestly:

Have you practiced self-love yet? If not, Shadow Work will be too overwhelming for you. I have starred this bullet point because it is essential for you to consider. Shadow Work should not be attempted by those who have poor self-worth or struggle with self-loathing. In other words: if you struggle with severely low self-esteem, please do not attempt Shadow Work. I emphatically warn you against doing it. Why? If you struggle with extremely poor self-worth, exploring your Shadows will likely make you feel ten times worse about yourself. Before you walk this path, you absolutely must establish a strong and healthy self-image. No, you don’t have to think you’re God’s gift to the world, but having average self-worth is important. Try taking this self-esteem test to explore whether you’re ready (but first, don’t forget to finish this article!).

Are you prepared to make time? Shadow Work is not a lukewarm practice. You are either all in or all out. Yes, it is important to take a break from it time to time. But Shadow Work requires dedication, self-discipline, and persistence. Are you willing to intentionally carve out time each day to dedicate to it? Even just ten minutes a day is a good start.

Are you looking to be validated or to find the truth? As you probably know by now, Shadow Work isn’t about making you feel special. It isn’t like typical spiritual paths which are focused on the feel-good. No, Shadow Work can be brutal and extremely confronting. This is a path for truth seekers, not those who are seeking to be validated.

Seek to enter a calm and neutral space. It is important to try and relax when doing Shadow Work. Stress and judgmental or critical attitudes will inhibit the process. So please try to incorporate a calming meditation or mindfulness technique into whatever you do.

Understand that you are not your thoughts. It is essential for you to realize that you are not your thoughts for Shadow Work to be healing and liberating. Only from your calm and quiet Center (also known as your Soul) can you truly be aware of your Shadow aspects. By holding them in awareness, you will see them clearly for what they are, and realize that they ultimately don’t define you; they are simply rising and falling mental phenomena.

Practice self-compassion. It is of paramount importance to incorporate compassion and self-acceptance into your Shadow Work practice. Without showing love and understanding to yourself, it is easy for Shadow Work to backfire and make you feel terrible. So focus on generating self-love and compassion, and you will be able to release any shame and embrace your humanity.

Record everything you find. Keep a written journal or personal diary in which you write down, or draw, your discoveries. Recording your dreams, observations, and analysis will help you to learn and grow more effectively. You’ll also be able to keep track of your process and make important connections.

How to Practice Shadow Work

There are many Shadow Work techniques and exercises out there. In this guide, I will provide a few to help you start off. I’ll also share a few examples from my own life:

1. Pay attention to your emotional reactions

In this practice, you’ll learn that what you give power to has power over you. Let me explain:

One Shadow Work practice I enjoy a great deal is paying attention to everything that shocks, disturbs and secretly thrills me. Essentially, this practice is about finding out what I’ve given power to in my life unconsciously, because what we place importance in – whether good or bad – says a lot about us.

The reality is that what we react to, or what makes us angry and distressed, reveals extremely important information to us about ourselves.

For example, by following where my “demons” have taken me – whether in social media, family circles, workspaces and public places – I have discovered two important things about myself. The first one is that I’m a control freak; I hate feeling vulnerable, powerless and weak . . . it quite simply scares the living hell out of me. How did I discover this? Through my intense dislike of witnessing rape scenes in movies and TV shows, my negative reaction to novel experiences (e.g. roller coaster rides, public speaking, etc.), as well as my discomfort surrounding sharing information about my life with others in conversations. Also, by following where my “demons” have guided me I’ve discovered that I’m being burdened by an exasperating guilt complex that I developed through my religious upbringing. A part of me wants to feel unworthy because that is what I’ve developed a habit of feeling since childhood (e.g. “You’re a sinner,” “It’s your fault Jesus was crucified”), and therefore, that is what I secretly feel comfortable with feeling: unworthy. So my mind nit-picks anything I might have done “wrong,” and I’m left with the feeling of being “bad” – which I’m used to, but nevertheless, this is destructive for my well-being.

Thanks to this practice, I have welcomed more compassion, mindfulness, and forgiveness into my life.

Paying attention to your emotional reactions can help you to discover exactly how your core wounds are affecting you on a daily basis.

How to Pay Attention to Your Emotional Reactions

To effectively pay attention to your emotional reactions (I call it “following the trail of your inner demons”), you first need to cultivate:

1. Self-awareness

Without being conscious of what you’re doing, thinking, feeling and saying, you won’t progress very far.

If, however, you are fairly certain that you’re self-aware (or enough to start the process), you will then need to:

2. Adopt an open mindset

You will need to have the courage and willingness to observe EVERYTHING uncomfortable you place importance in, and ask “why?” What do I mean by the phrase “placing importance in”? By this, I mean that, whatever riles, shocks, infuriates, disturbs and terrifies you, you must pay attention to. Closely.

Likely, you will discover patterns constantly emerging in your life. For example, you might be outraged or embarrassed every time sex appears in a TV show or movie you like (possibly revealing sexual repression or mistaken beliefs about sex that you’ve adopted throughout life). Or you might be terrified of seeing death or dead people (possibly revealing your resistance to the nature of life or a childhood trauma). Or you might be disgusted by alternative political, sexual and spiritual lifestyles (possibly revealing your hidden desire to do the same).

There are so many possibilities out there, and I encourage you to go slowly, take your time, and one by one pick through what you place importance in.

“But I DON’T place importance in gross, bad or disturbing things in life, how could I? I don’t care for them!” you might be asking.

Well, think for a moment. If you didn’t place so much importance on what makes you angry, disgusted or upset . . . why would you be reacting to it so much? The moment you emotionally react to something is the moment you have given that thing power over you. Only that which doesn’t stir up emotions in us is not important to us.

See what you respond to and listen to what your Shadow is trying to teach you.

2. Artistically Express Your Shadow Self

Art is the highest form of self-expression and is also a great way to allow your Shadow to manifest itself.  Psychologists often use art therapy as a way to help patients explore their inner selves.

Start by allowing yourself to feel (or drawing on any existing) dark emotions. Choose an art medium that calls to you such as pen and pencil, watercolor, crayon, acrylic paint, scrapbooking, sculpting, etc. and draw what you feel. You don’t need to consider yourself an ‘artist’ to benefit from this activity. You don’t even need to plan what you’ll create. Just let your hands, pen, pencil, or paintbrush do the talking. The more spontaneous, the better. Artistic expression can reveal a lot about your obscure darker half. Psychologist Carl Jung (who conceptualized the Shadow Self idea) was even famous for using mandalas in his therapy sessions.

3. Start a Project

The act of creation can be intensely frustrating and can give birth to some of your darker elements such as impatience, anger, blood-thirsty competitiveness, and self-doubt. At the same time, starting a project also allows you to experience feelings of fulfillment and joy.

If you don’t already have a personal project that you’re undertaking (such as building something, writing a book, composing music, mastering a new skill), find something you would love to start doing. Using self-awareness and self-exploration during the process of creation, you will be able to reap deeper insights into your darkness. Ask yourself constantly, “What am I feeling and why?” Notice the strong emotions that arise during the act of creation, both good and bad. You will likely be surprised by what you find!

For example, as a person who considers myself non-competitive, that assumption has been challenged by the act of writing this blog. Thanks to this project, the Shadow within me of ruthless competitiveness has shown its face, allowing me to understand myself more deeply.

4. Write a Story or Keep a Shadow Journal

Goethe’s story Faust is, in my opinion, one of the best works featuring the meeting of an ego and his Shadow Self.  His story details the life of a Professor who becomes so separated and overwhelmed by his Shadow that he comes to the verge of suicide, only to realize that the redemption of the ego is solely possible if the Shadow is redeemed at the same time.

Write a story where you project your Shadow elements onto the characters – this is a great way to learn more about your inner darkness.  If stories aren’t your thing, keeping a journal or diary every day can shine a light on the darker elements of your nature.  Reading through your dark thoughts and emotions can help you to recover the balance you need in life by accepting both light and dark emotions within you.

5. Explore Your Shadow Archetypes

We have a number of  Shadow varieties, also called Shadow Archetypes. These archetypes are sometimes defined as:

The Sorcerer

The Dictator

The Victim

The Shadow Witch

The Addict

The Idiot

The Trickster

The Destroyer

The Slave

The Shadow Mother

The Hag

The Hermit

However, I have my own Shadow Archetype classification, which I will include below.

13 Shadow Archetypes

Here are my thirteen classifications which are based on my own self-observations and analysis of others:

1.  The Egotistical Shadow

This Shadow Archetype displays the following characteristics: arrogance, egocentricity, pompousness, inconsiderateness, self-indulgence, narcissism, excessive pride.

2.  The Neurotic Shadow

This Shadow Archetype displays the following characteristics: paranoia, obsessiveness, suspiciousness, finicky, demanding, compulsive behavior.

3.  The Untrustworthy Shadow

This Shadow Archetype displays the following characteristics: secretive, impulsive, frivolous, irresponsible, deceitful, unreliable.

4.  The Emotionally Unstable Shadow

This Shadow Archetype displays the following characteristics: moody, melodramatic, weepy, overemotional, impulsive, changeable.

5.  The Controlling Shadow

This Shadow Archetype displays the following characteristics: suspicious, jealous, possessive, bossy, obsessive.

6.  The Cynical Shadow

This Shadow Archetype displays the following characteristics: negative, overcritical, patronizing, resentful, cantankerous.

7.  The Wrathful Shadow

This Shadow Archetype displays the following characteristics: ruthless, vengeful, bitchy, quick-tempered, quarrelsome.

8.  The Rigid Shadow

This Shadow Archetype displays the following characteristics: uptight, intolerant, racist, sexist, ableist, homophobic, obstinate, uncompromising, inflexible, narrow-minded.

9.  The Glib Shadow

This Shadow Archetype displays the following characteristics: superficial, cunning, inconsistent, sly, crafty.

10.  The Cold Shadow

This Shadow Archetype displays the following characteristics: emotionally detached, distant, indifferent, uncaring, unexcited.

11.  The Perverted Shadow

This Shadow Archetype displays the following characteristics: masochistic, lewd, sadistic, vulgar, libidinous.

12.  The Cowardly Shadow

This Shadow Archetype displays the following characteristics: weak-willed, passive, timid, fearful.

13.  The Immature Shadow

This Shadow Archetype displays the following characteristics: puerile, childish, illogical, simpleminded, vacuous.

Keep in mind that the above Shadow Archetypes are by no means exhaustive. I’m sure that there are many others out there which I have missed. But you are free to use this breakdown to help you explore your own Shadows. You’re also welcome to add to this list or create your own Shadow Archetypes, which I highly encourage. For example, you might possess a judgmental and dogmatic Shadow who you call “The Nun,” or a sexually deviant Shadow who you call “The Deviant.” Play around with some words and labels, and see what suits your Shadows the best.

6. Have an Inner Conversation

Also known as “Inner Dialogue,” or as Carl Jung phrased it, “Active Imagination,” having a conversation with your Shadow is an easy way to learn from it.

I understand if you might feel a twinge of skepticism towards this practice right now. After all, we are taught that “only crazy people talk to themselves.” But inner dialogue is regularly used in psychotherapy as a way to help people communicate with the various subpersonalities that they have – and we all possess various faces and sides of our ego.

One easy way to practice inner dialogue is to sit in a quiet place, close your eyes, and tune into the present moment. Then, think of a question you would like to ask your Shadow, and silently speak it within your mind. Wait a few moments and see if you ‘hear’ or ‘see’ an answer. Record anything that arises and reflect on it. It is even possible to carry on a conversation with your Shadow using this method. Just ensure that you have an open mindset. In other words, don’t try to control what is being said, just let it flow naturally. You will likely be surprised by the answers you receive!

Visualization is another helpful way of engaging in inner dialogue. I recommend bringing to mind images of dark forests, caves, holes in the ground, or the ocean as these all represent the unconscious mind. Always ensure that you enter and exit your visualization in the same manner, e.g. if you are walking down a path, make sure you walk back up the path. Or if you open a particular door, make sure you open the same door when returning back to normal consciousness. This practice will help to draw you effortlessly in and out of visualizations.

7. Use the Mirror Technique

As we have learned, projection is a technique of the Shadow that helps us to avoid what we have disowned. However, we don’t only project the deeper and darker aspects of ourselves onto others, we also project our light and positive attributes as well. For example, a person may be attracted to another who displays fierce self-assertiveness, not realizing that this quality is what they long to reunite with inside themselves. Another common example (this time negative) is judgmentalism. How many times have you heard someone say “he/she is so judgmental!” Ironically, the very person saying this doesn’t realize that calling another person ‘judgmental’ is actually pronouncing a judgment against them and revealing their own judgmental nature.

The Mirror Technique is the process of uncovering our projections. To practice this technique, we must adopt a mindful and honest approach towards the world: we need to be prepared to own that which we have disowned! Being radically truthful with ourselves can be difficult, so it does require practice. But essentially, we must adopt the mindset that other people are our mirrors. We must understand that those around us serve as the perfect canvas onto which we project all of our unconscious desires and fears.

Start this practice by examining your thoughts and feelings about those you come in contact with. Pay attention to moments when you’re emotionally triggered and ask yourself “am I projecting anything?” Remember: it is also possible to project our own qualities onto another person who really does possess the qualities. Psychologists sometimes refer to this as “projecting onto reality.” For example, we might project our rage onto another person who is, in fact, a rage-filled person. Or we might project our jealousy onto another who genuinely is jealous.

Ask yourself, “What is mine, what is theirs, and what is both of ours?” Not every triggering situation reveals a projection, but they more than often do. Also look for things you love and adore about others, and uncover the hidden projections there.

The Mirror Technique will help you to shed a lot of light onto Shadow qualities that you have rejected, suppressed, repressed, or disowned. On a side note, you might also like to read about a similar practice called mirror work which helps you to come face-to-face with your own denied aspects.

[heartfeltheart]

Alchemy: Magic Vs. Science

Chapters: 21/25 Fandom: Fullmetal Alchemist/Harry Potter Rating: T Relationships: Edward/Winry, Lan Fan/Ling, and May/Alphonse. Primary Characters: Edward Elric, Severus Snape Additional Tags: Crossover, Teacher!Edward, BrOtp Edward/Severus. Sassy beyond measure. Series: Part 1 of 9. Summary: Magic and Science, are they the same or are they completely different? It just takes one person to point out all up and downs. Along with breaking the stereotypes that come up with being a wizard, alchemist and most of all being human. Thank you, @amynchan! D/C: I do not own Harry Potter or Fullmetal Alchemist. Discord: La Red(Mesh Mash of… stuff.): https://discord.gg/KYjmVAb Alchemy Series: https://discord.gg/DejEYNJ

“English and Edward’s accented voice.” “Amestrian or another foreign language.” “Written notes.” ‘Thoughts.’ First Name: Informal Last Name: Formal (Or used to annoy others)

Edward grumbled under his breath as he scanned through his roster. Thirteen. He now has thirteen students that are eager to learn Alchemy. There must be a different schedule for his students and different set of goals. Now how would he do it?

Everyone that is left shown great strides in becoming possible alchemists. Well, they all are still complete newbies and nowhere near of doing alchemy of any sort. Yes, they show potential but nowhere near the Amestrian potential for someone that is studying to become an alchemist. That was the reality. He must ensure they understand what is needed to understand before they even start learning the harder elements of alchemy.

For now, all of them still need to learn Latin, elements, elements when it comes with Alchemy, and so many other things... So much work to do before the breakfast the following da... breakfast. Until breakfast in a couple of short hours.

"Why did I leave this for the last minute...?"

-.-

"Mr. Elric lives in a modest home with his brother."

"He is engaged to someone that lives down the road."

"Engaged? He doesn't look that old?"

"They've known each other since they were infants."

"I would have thought he was extremely rich and lived in a mansion or something."

"Naw, he lives out in the country. Apparently hates the city..."

"Something about getting in trouble with the local law enforcement."

"That only happens if he is in the same city as his Superior."

"Superior?"

"Mr. Elric is... his former boss he's still in contact with. They have an intense rivalry."

"Like what the Slytherin's and Gryffindor's have against each other?"

"They don't have a rivalry in terms of who's better than the other. It's more...how was it?"

"They just like to annoy each other, if anything, they acted like father and son. Just more...antagonistic towards each other."

"Did you get to meet Mr. Elric's parents?"

The eight students that had gone to Amestris and rest of the Alchemy students sat around the Slytherin table, not once caring about the House Rivalries. All their friends from their respective houses came along to hear the tales of the magicless country. All thirteen Alchemy Students knew that their teacher never talked about his father, a very, very sore subject. His mother... always a soft smile but his eyes a slowly healing pain.

"...Next question."

"..."

"Did you get to see actual Alchemy done?"

"Alchemy."

"Is."

"Bloody."

"Amazing!"

"Well don't just sit there, tell us!"

"It is something you have to see it to believe it."

"You have to understand Alchemy in order to comprehend what we saw in Amestris."

"So... you aren't going to tell us then?"

"Nope."

"Back to your seats, the Heads are passing out the new timetables!"

-.-

Terrance Higgs, Fred Weasley, and George Weasley entered the Alchemy Classroom, whispering to themselves on the change of schedule. The three of them were already in the same class, but took the class on Tuesdays. Now they are taking it on Mondays and Fridays with the rest of the Alchemy students. Twice a week now. They wonder what their teacher has in plan for them.

"Hey Terrance, how exactly is Mr. Elric's fiancé like?"

"She's... beautiful, smart and she has Mr. Elric extremely whipped."

"I am not whipped!"

The three student's heads whip over to see their teacher glaring at the eldest of the three with a critical eye. "I am not whipped."

"I have a very long list of reasons onto why you are whipped." Terrance deadpanned, reaching into his person to pull something out.

"... Take a seat." Edward cleared his throat in an attempt to regain his composure. He went back to fixing the papers on his desk. "I am still fixing everything for class."

The Slytherin and two Gryffindor's took their seats in the front of the classroom. They took out the homework that was assigned to them during the break. The only difference for them is that the Weasley twin's packets had more work compared to the lone Slytherin. Their packets had longer explanations of what was learned by the other students that went to Amestris. The extra details for them to do their work.

"What did you guys learn over there?"

"Any type of alchemy should we know about?"

Terrance scratched his cheek, thinking on what he should and should not tell them. Then again... they are not going to act anything but amazed, wowed and envious. Well almost envious. Being chased around a forest by a bear was not something he would like to relive anytime soon.

"It was mostly compromised of survival skills. How to live without magic in cases of emergency and other stuff as such." Terrence explained. "That was when we arrived at his fiancé, Miss. Rockbell's home. Before we got there, we first arrived in Central City. We saw... a fight between two Alchemist. One using fire alchemy while the other is used his physical prowess with his alchemy. It was bloody amazing!"

"Damn..."

"We should have been there..."

"Hope there's a next time though."

"...Will there be a next time?"

"Depends if I continue teaching and if your lunacy of a government will allow it." Edward answered, not bothering to look over and continuing on with whatever he was doing.

"That if no one talks about the Bear accident."

"Bear accident?"

"Do tell."

"For me to tell you that, I have to tell you all about Mrs. Izumi Curtis... Mr. Elric's Alchemy Teacher. A woman that could strike fear into anyone with just a look." Terrence attempted to repress a shiver to no avail. "That woman is a complete and utter monster..."

"Scary..." Edward whispered out, his students not bothering to glance his way.

"Hehe...It's like this..."

"This is going to be a very long semester...again." Edward muttered under his breath as Terrence recounted the Bear Story. Oh, how much he hates that story...

-.-

End of the week, last class of the week and the first class of the semester. Edward leaned against his desk and stared at his last class of the week. It is comprised of all his thirteen students, all in one class. Unlike last semester, this time around he decided to have one class that had all his students. It was to ensure they all knew who is taking the class and to help one another. Plus, it would be easier to teach them certain subjects in one class than having to teach it four separate times.

"All of you had shown great strides in your goals of learning Alchemy." Edward announced to his class. He watched said class eyes glowed, pride evident in all their expressions. "I dare say... All of you surpass all my expectations for this school and beyond..."

"I sense a but in there..."

"The level of expectations I had originally for everyone who would have taken this class. That level of said expectations is low. Very low. I had to consider none of you knew what Alchemy is, in my county's terms, both magical and non-magical upbringings, so on and so forth. I had to take that into account and base onto what is considered average back in Amestris... Taking that into consideration... the level of expectations was low. Extremely low." Edward was not going to sugarcoat his words, this is his truth. This is the reality of things and it is remarkable at the fact there are as many students at that point of the year. They survived, but just barely. "Do not feel high and mighty. All of you exceed expectations when it comes to those terms. Compare where you are at, to a typical student that is learning Alchemy in Amestris... it is below par. Severely. I had to drill into all of you the differences and similarities between Magic and Alchemy, laws and other needed factors needed for Alchemy..."

Edward pushed himself against his desk and headed over to one of the chalkboards. "There are many other things all of you need to learn to proceed with all your learning of Alchemy. I am not going to sugar coat it... As you all know, Magic has a dark side to it. Alchemy just has a darker side to it. Proceeding forward with this class, I will be harsher and expect far more than any of you could expect from your own selves. In the world of Alchemy... one mistake could cause major injury or death. Sometimes the latter is better than the former... Yes, Edmond?"

"...Do we have to wrestle a bear? Like Mrs. Curtis? For us to further our alchemy?"

"Oh, Truth no! That is just her... She did once try to get me to kill one... Teacher had to kill it after it took my ar... Anyway...No. That is not required."

"Staying on an island without anything but a knife or the clothes on our back?"

"No."

"Fighting?"

"Depends on your form of Alchemy and how you fit it in your style."

"I meant on a surprise attack..."

"No. Anything else?"

"Could we continue on with the class?"

Edward couldn't help but grin, he reached over and flipped all the chalkboards over to reveal the other sides to reveal the sequences of Transmutation, Laws of Equivalent Exchange, and Rebound. "Seeing as none of you ran off... Let us continue on then."

-.-

Edward, Filius, and Severus sat around in a booth in the Three Broomsticks, tucked away in a corner from curious eyes. All of them had just ordered their drinks and food, now they are chatting away until their orders arrive. It was the first time since the spring semester had started the three had gotten together for a drink. It almost feels like a lifetime ago.

"A break...an honest to Truthful break..." Edward sighed, he slid deeply into his cushioned seat. He rolled his head around to work out a kink in his neck. "When is the next break again?"

"Little over a month, spring break." Filius responded he shifted in his seat which is covered in a tower of pillows to compensate for the height difference. "Are you considering another school trip to Amestris?"

"I do not know..."

"Considering how your students speak highly of your home country... would you consider it a possibility?" Severus asked with a slight raise of an eyebrow. After his students returned from Amestris, all they ever spoke about was how different it was from their own world. Not only the fact magic is completely void in said country, but how Alchemy is run in the country. Public knowledge of everything, everyone has an equal opportunity of learning the art. Well, if you could find a teacher to help with the said subject or go about it on your own. The only time they saw any sort of prejudice is when Edward has spoken about his teacher... and her hate for the State Alchemists. From what Edward, had told the Potion's Professor, that doesn't really surprise him. That and the fact the place is run by a Military, with corresponding ranks and so on, that was a given. When asked about people with power or money, all they got is a vague response of a woman dubbed the 'Ice Queen' or 'Northern Wall of Briggs'. Said women born into a family with money and Military background, made her own way into the Military and is one of the highest-ranking members of the Military and is a candidate for Führer. Whatever was said after about said woman caused both Elric brothers, by his students account, huddled together and whimpered at the memories of said 'Ice Queen'.

"Naw, the majority of the time in that week will mostly be spent on getting from point A to point B, then the actual teaching experience. Plus, it would be better if my students want to go home and speak to their parents about the trip face to face if they want to."

Filius was going to say something but the owner of the establishment came over with their foods and drinks. After asserting who ordered what and started to eat their lunch, the previous conversation all but was forgotten.

"Have you thought of continuing teaching next year?" Filius asking midway through their meal.

"More than likely depends on what my superiors say about it. Which is mostly they will have my work with the Ministry of Magic... then again..." Edward trailed off, staring into his glass of Firewhiskey. "Depends on what that idiotic Emperor and General Mustang agreed to do with me and my brother."

"What does the Emperor of Xing has to do with your brother? You never got into that." Filius asked, Edward, has once more opened about himself to him and Severus. Meaning some more of Golden Blonde's past going to be revealed without the need of forcing him to talk.

"Oh right... My brother is learning Alkahestry from the Emperor's younger sister." Edward responded he pocked at his food wondering just what he was eating. "She's a prodigy of the art and well... I think they both have crushes on each other and the idiot brother of hers is using his power to ensure he becomes related to me one way or another."

"Meaning...?"

"I bet a years' worth salary the guy is coming up away for Alphonse and Mei to marry behind the councils and elders back as we speak."

-.-

"You could take her to Amestris for a shotgun wedding?"

"...Ling...she's 14."

"In Xing, once you turn 13 you become eligible for marriage... in some areas, it's younger and a lot of people ignore the rule..."

"I know..."

Ling grin turned into a grimace, shutting his fan shut. "The moment that Mei was deemed marriageable, a flood of marriage proposals left and right. I managed to ward off the most persistent of suitors but it has been getting rather tiresome."

Alphonse crossed his arms and slid deeper into his cushion seat, a frown etched deeply into his expression. Everything that Ling had just told him wasn't new to him. Having his own share of seeing first hand of Mei's suitors. The vast majority of them are twice his own age to someone that was the same age as Pinako. Then comes in his own emotions. The Alchemist truly cares for the princess, not for what she is but for who she is as a person. After everything, they have been through, dare he say his feelings run deeper than he cares to admit. However, there are several factors that are preventing him from moving forward with said feelings. "I don't have any titles or born into any sort of royalty. The elders of the Chang Clan will have a field day if I was even considered a potential suitor."

"So... you're open to marrying my sister?"

"When she's older and if she agrees to marry me in the future."

"We both know she will say yes to you and a long-term engagement will get rid of the pressure of the council and elders."

"...You can come out now, Mei."

Squeak!

-.-

"Bringing my friends here? To Hogwarts? Bringing the Alchemists to the students than the other way around? Hm..."

"It would help with more students taking an interest in learning alchemy. Seeing alchemy firsthand will entice more of them to take the exam next year." Filius explain to Edward as he, Severus and Edward walked up the path leading to Hogwarts. "I already am recommending several students to take the exam next semester. Severus has a couple of his own studying already for it."

"...I am preparing them..."

"I have to talk to my superiors, the old man, and my students... This will be good for the students that did not go to Amestris..." Edward mused aloud, he shook his head at the thought though. Too much paperwork, politics, and other random things needed to be done before it could even become a reality. A very sad reality which will end with himself owing Mustang many favors. "I think it should work? I think?"

"Do you believe it would be a possibility?" Severus asked, raising an eyebrow at Edward's direction.

"Why do you guys want my friends to come here?"

"To see you suffer/To further the education of our students."

Filius and Severus glanced at each other after they finished their respected sentences. Considering the fact Filius is the one that stated he wanted to see Edward suffer, that was the Potion Master's thing. It seems Edward and Severus have finally corrupted the Charm's Professor. It was about Bloody time.

"Why does everyone like seeing me suffer...?"

-.-

"You do realize if we do this, Edward will never forgive you."

Roy hid behind a pile of paperwork, eyeing Riza inconspicuously. He grinned at the look of defeat the woman was giving him. "Naw, he's just going to hate me more is all. All I have to do is argue with him, banter here and there, everything between us is back to normal."

"Going to the actual school?" Riza asked in complete defeat. "For what?"

"Other than to see Fullmetal squirm? It actually has to do with us heading back to Magical Great Britain and continue on with our negotiations. This time though, Xing has to be part of said negotiations as they are going to be our go-between."

"Then tell me... How does this have to do with going to Hogwarts?"

"Ling wants to see how a magical work and made it a point he wants us to come along for the ride."

"You did not answer my question."

"I just want to see him suffer, is that an okay answer? Now help me write a letter to Marcoh and Scar... Please?"

"...The things I do for you..."

-.-

Teacher. No.

Mustang. Eh... maybe.

Armstrong. No. No. No.

Scar. Maybe.

Alphonse. Yes.

Mei. Yes.

Dr. Marcoh. Yes, students like him.

Edward scanned through his list, time after time again. He would his pencil to scratch his head deep in thought. The list contained a list of Alchemist that could possibly come to Hogwarts. The Golden Blonde is taking into consideration what Filius had told him. If he is going to continue teaching here at this backward school, which is a huge possibility, then he is going to need students to teach. He needed to pique their interest in learning alchemy, in turn ensuring they are not going to end up like complete idiots in their society. There has to be change and the only way for a change it has to start from the very beginning. Now all Edward has to do now it talk to Dumbledore about the idea. Once they get into some sort of agreement, then they will proceed to contact the proper paper for it to possibly happen.

Knock.

Knock.

Knock.

Edward glanced up from his notes to stare at the main entrance of his classroom. It was a Thursday afternoon, no one had set up to meet with him or vice-versa and none of his students were given homework that required his help. (It involved coloring, drawing shapes and other seemingly random things. Random to them.) "Come in."

Let it be said... what happened next had our main character had him bang his head against his desk repeatedly. If he could meet with Truth once more, the former Alchemist will punt him across that ever-endless blank world. Then again, Truth will see that action as it is right and will never stop teasing him about it. Apparently, someone had already thought up of the same idea... Just...

'CUUUUUUURRRRRRSSSSSSSEEEEEE YYYYYOOOOOOOUUUUUUUU, TRRRRUUUUUUUTTTTTTTHHHHHHH!'

-.-

Out in that ever-endless blank world, a toothy smile appeared seemingly out of nowhere. It began to laugh at how everything is falling out of place. What is the point of having an order without some sort of chaos? There must be chaos before anything could fall into a perfectly fitted puzzle.

Truth grin widened when it saw a something shift in his domain. That shift only lasted less than a second and it appeared that a single shift appeared to be frazzled and full of pain. Hah... it should learn it's lesson. They are not to enter Truth's domain until they are deemed worthy. Until then... Truth will continue to laugh at how much they are distorting everything that old goat is building up.

-.-

"You want us both to go to Hogwarts with you? I understand you would want to bring along Mei, as she is your sister... but I?" Alphonse scanned several scrolls, keeping an eye on the Emperor of Xing. Said male is currently perched on a wooden chair, staring down at Alphonse with his typical smile. It did not bode well with the younger of the two, Ling was planning something and it appeared it was not going to be good.

"You are engaged to my sister, you are now part of the Royal family. That includes your brother and once he marries Winry, she and Pinako are included said family."

Alphonse's ears turned red at the reminder, he ran a hand through his short hair. "I am still wrapping my mind around that... heh. How did you manage to get that around the elders of the Chang Clan?"

"Eh, you underestimating yourself there. They like you and it helps that you have a very close connection to the Emperor. Come on, you help with everything around here. I respect your opinion and decisions, plus you have this way of freaking everyone with a smile. Once you marry Mei, I am going to officially make you my advisor."

"Aren't I already your advisor?"

"I want to make it official."

"...Then tell me about this then...?" Alphonse took out a scroll from a pole of other scrolls and handed it to Ling. "What's this about me becoming a teacher? At a magical school?"

"Details, details."

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[charsui]

So I recently learned that Star Wars “fans” are whining piss babies

Okay, I’ll be honest I knew this for a while but I watched this video last night and I kinda spotted a few things that really annoyed me.

First things first the “Nooooo” in ROTS. Really? This is a problem? A guy finds out that he murdered his wife and he feels rage and depression for this and apparently this truly ruined everything? That’s bollocks, let this moment of Anakins humanity that has returned after the adrenaline of genocide dissipates actually exist. It’s apply levels to this character after we’ve just seen his depth removed for ages in a film essentially being the epitome of “How not to deal with trauma, yet in one sense it’s not a surprise as you were groomed by an old powerful man and your closest thing to family were emotionally repressing”.

The next one is the horrible inconsistency that fans have to TLJ with the fact that they hate all the plot threads were dropped about who are Rey’s parents (something that could still be a lie but I’ll get into that another time, Reylo is bad though, I hope you realise this). Now to combat that point let’s look at another entry on the list the Midichlorians™️. This is where something that was better without the explanation, got an explanation and that made everything really really bad (apparently, I don’t mind it massively) and the fact that Boba Fett became a fan favourite when nothing was told about who he was or what he did, that can still exist for Snoke, etc. it’s just a defeatist answer to say “the director should make my thing that I want to see about this character and I’ll riot if it’s not exactly it” like make your own comic, YT video on your theory, write fanfiction (like all the expanded universe was) just stop whinging and actually create something you entitled whackjobs.

Next up, Anakin and Padmé, or the alleged criticism of Padmé. In the video it’s stated that P isn’t a good character. I get that the death in childbirth thing is a weird one considering what this universe is capable of (maybe it’s Trumps dream and planned parenthood was scrapped in order to make flying cars and laser swords). However, I need to know how the badass queen-turned-senator that actually got a blockade stopped, built the foundations of the rebel alliance in the republic senate, was the first of the three captured main characters to escape her chains, survived an assassination attempt, still went to talk down her serial killer husband (because may I remind you, she didn’t know Obi Wan was there and so she went as a pregnant lady on her own to state down her aggressive as fuck husband who could have killed her easily and no one knew where she was going) is in any way an unlikable character. She’s a badass and apparently the warrior spirit that Leia learned from through powers unknown.

Now, as I mentioned earlier, Anakin hasn’t exactly grown up with the most stable or normal childhoods. The script and his awkward reactions I have to be honest reflect that. He’s not allowed to show the girl he called an angel (more cemented because through meeting her he was FREED FROM SLAVERY) that he is completely infatuated with her beyond any other emotion he feels, which then boils and becomes that damaged backing that causes the fall. The poor boy needed someone to talk to and the person who wasn’t as to the letter of the order as Obi Wan, died and he watch his body get engulfed by flames (gonna be honest not the smartest thing to do to a traumatised slave boy, who thought letting a 9yo see this was a good idea). The poor child has no social skills because the Jedi didn’t help him look at emotion healthily and the creepy old man (who said he’d be keeping an eye on a 9yo May I remind you. Seriously where the fuck are child protective services) twisted his emotions and damaged him, he just needs a hug and the Jedi made his state of mind worse when THEY DIDN’T GO BACK FOR HIS MUM IN THE 10 YEARS THEY KNEW WHERE SHE WAS AND HAD THE RESOURCES TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT (no wonder Luke wanted to burn the fuckers to the ground).

HOW IN THE SHIT IS GENERAL GREVIOUS A DISAPPOINTING CHARACTER. That’s all I’ve got to say about that, he’s cool, he’s a parallel villain to Maul (talks a lot, runs away a lot, always self preserving instead of ensuring the mission is complete) and seeing the two of them shows that there’s not just one kind of sith/dark side assassin, just like there’s not one kind of Jedi.

EWOKS ARE GREAT END OF.

And finally Jar Jar, now as a kid I loved Jar Jar. Then trying to be cool and fit in with people I decided I hated him, but it was never genuine, and he added a dynamic that there were innocent creatures in this world who were struggling to get by AT THE BEST OF TIMES let alone when killer robots are taking over their planet, or creepy old men are manipulating everyone. However, I know I’m in the minority here, but what I want to say is CAN WE LET IT GO. As a fan base we drove a guy to attempt suicide because the character he played was so allegedly unequivocally dreadful that people on the internet had to bully him that much.

I do want to take this moment to say I’m sorry Ahmed Best, I know I wasn’t massively active in the hate you received but oh never deserved that and for that I’m sorry.

Anyway, I’m here for Star Wars discourse any day so @ me if you wanna.

[ahasan-bhuiyan]

Bangladesh can’t be a sanctuary for rapists

In Christian apocryphal, Peter was found to ask Jesus, “Whither goest thou?” and the reply came, "I am going to Rome to be crucified again".  We everyday hanging millions of gods and even more number of angels are being pierced bodily and expressively. Recent brutal killing of seven years old Samia after rape in capital resulted mass commotion. But as many as innumerable Samia are being fallen a victim of heinous temptation of sexually lunatics in our society daily.

A Samia’s aged daughter of my friend (name is not mentioned for due reason) also being raped brutally calling her in a mosque in old Dhaka couple of years back. The kid have been surviving but with fear and anxiety. She hardly can tolerate a bearded man with crochet hat. She screams at midnight and can’t trust anybody except her parents.

A recent statistics of Bangladesh Shishu Adhikar Forum (BSAF) found that about five hundred children in Bangladesh were raped in the first half of the underway calendar while Bangladesh Mahila Parishad claimed so as to 731 women were raped by this time. It means, two third of the rape victims were children! It tells us that the country is not at all a safe place for girls. So, it’s no more a time to give cold shower the issue.

The existing Women and Children Repression Act in the country made the provision of rigorous imprisonment for life and with fine for rape. According to the article 9 (ii) of the said act, only death resulting from rape can ensure capital punishment for a rapist. But the Oppression of Women and Children (Special Provisions) Act, 1995 found any rapist to be punishable with death.

So, the lax legal action, inertness in judiciary, availability of lawyers for rapist and back-up from political influences permit barbaric criminals to move in the society opening their chests.

“Where mercy is the scrawny weaknesses,/ O Mighty, order me to be cruel there,” Rabindranath Tagore prayed and is obvious demand of time in Bangladesh. A pseudonymous “Hercules” emerged as serial killer to hunt rapists in January-February but disappeared after taking couple of revenges. The humanist groups and a portion of civil society were seen aloud against such ‘serial killing’. But Hercules was the man more sinned against than sinning and possibly needed in action as long as rapists gaze in our society.

Orthodoxy, superstition and patriarchic culture in our society still arrange all mechanism to prove rape and such other malicious crime doers as virile. A group of people start to dissect the character of victim woman after a rape taking place instead of showing concern against the despicable crook.

Fanaticism and little idea about Islamic proviso among the populace pivot as curse to them. For achieving piety of Allah and heaven in next life, little educated or uneducated but godly parents in Bangladesh are keen to make their children pious. So, they prefer to send their children in Madrasas. But most of the madrasas in the country are owned, administered and taught by the community having no firm knowledge of Islam and mainstream learning as well.

Sexual assault by madrasa authority is a regular phenomenon here now. Al Amin, the founding director and principal of Baitul Huda Cadet Madrasa was held for raping 12 students; Abul Khayer Belali of Ma Hawa (a) Qawmi Mohila Madrasa at Kendua in Netrokona raped eight students; Israt Hossain, the principal of Madinatul Darul Ulum Madrasa arrested for raping an eight years old girl.  All are very recent news. They used to rape victims with fear of hell. Fear of spreading scandals and complain to parents are the two more common weapons they use to shut the mouth of victims. Even boys are also not safe from them. A Qawmi madrasa teacher from Dagonbhuiyan in Feni found to rape a nine-year old boy.

It is seen that a good number of serial rapists in the country were also entertained politically. Sons of wealthy and power families are not sub judice herein Bangladesh. Thereby, the country is gradually becoming the sanctuary for rapists and the state can’t avoid the failure to ensuring safe environment for women.

Ensuring exemplary punishment of rapist is thereby becomes the prerequisite for the state to prove its supremacy and to establish the role of law in the country.

It’s known fact that neutrality always favours the oppressor, never the victim. Similarly silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented. We therefore, need to stand hand in hand against all rapists impartially. The culture of wine and dine to rapists endangering our survival. Martin Luther King Jr. believed that injustice anywhere is a threat to everywhere. And it’s high time to bring all rapists under trial irrespective to class, community and political identity to save our girls and in fact, to save the nation from ruining.

Published : Friday, 12 July, 2019 in the Daily Observer

https://www.observerbd.com/details.php?id=206919&fbclid=IwAR3UiksLuWgGCu4RXjMFEQMP0css8MamRzedo5pfcYmZk5hDk5UdV6qbNPc

[amwritingmeta]

A Clarification of my view on Dean’s Psychological Profile

I’m focusing on Dean here, because the narrative is focused on Dean as our protagonist - though yes, absolutely, all of TFW are going through changes at the moment - and I’m going to keep this incredibly brief and borderline superficial (there’s a world of psychology out there and this is basically just scratching the tip of the Dean shaped iceberg, but it’s a significant tip) and pull on these, and hopefully deepen them, whenever I go into deeper deconstruction mode —>

The Alter Ego: the act of creating a second personality in which we feel complete confidence in our abilities, where we can separate ourselves from what we perceive as weak or unacceptable in ourselves, the existence of this second personality enabling us to do so whenever we feel a need to.

Like any superhero who has an alter ego ever in the history of super heroes. Like the shapeshifter from Monster Movie, who didn’t just create one alter ego, but a myriad of alter egos who all had similar traits of conflicted identites.

Dean’s alter ego comes into focus when he steps into his soldier persona, but this is and always will be a double edged sword, because what Dean needs isn’t to shed all of his masculine characteristics - he doesn’t need to let go of this alter ego - he just needs to find the inner balance to utilise this alter ego without fearing the more violent side to him will take over. That the more violent side to him is really one of bloodlust that he’s keeping at bay.

He scared himself in Hell, broke his trust in himself completely, and he’s carried that fear with him, but he needs to understand that he is in control of his own actions - if nothing else in this world - and its his choices now that define him, not the mistakes he’s made in the past.

Masking: we have a tendency to adapt to those around us and put on different masks and feel different levels of comfortable depending on the person we’re with. A mask is not a lie, but it isn’t showing the whole truth either. One’s true identity can be concealed behind a layer of these masks, and a mask can be culturally or socially constructed.

I believe this is what Dean often does with Sam. He has had a tendency to mask certain aspects of himself - like how much and exactly what he reads (holy hell he reads romance novels), his wider taste in music, the types of films he enjoys watching - and to me this is all tied to Dean’s conflicted sense identity and having spent most of this series battling with his fears and allowing them to dictate who he should be, never fully landing in who he is because of all of the insecurities surrounding his true identity. Insecurities that I would say were born in John’s lessons of manhood, survival and avoidance of feelings as distractions and weaknesses, but insecurities in himself that I believe has then been wholly perpetuated by societal norms throughout his life.

Neither Winchester has ever showed any kind of judgement of sexuality. Dean gets self-conscious and understandably so - because he believes and has possibly even experienced societal discrimination and judgement for being queer, and so he’s using techniques to blend in rather than stand out - while Sam just smiles and goes with it. Sam, I believe, would never judge Dean for being bi and, honestly, I don’t think John would’ve either (look at how Mary is and how it’s in text that the John she knew was of course different to the John who raised the boys into hunting) so this is not how they were raised to be.

For me this is important, because I believe Dean’s masking behaviour is all about Dean’s conflicted sense of identity, which feeds Dean’s need for purporting Sam’s idea of the big brother and asserting his authority by sticking to well-known patterns, rather than his masking having to do with masking his sexuality. His insecurities surrounding his attraction to men, to me, has to do with societal judgement, rather than the worry about familial judgement.

Deep down Dean has an idea of what he wants, deep down Dean has a good idea of who he is, too, but he’s gotten very good at leaning against his alter ego in order to avoid exploring these ideas further, especially since Sam can’t challenge that alter ego without knowing the other sides of Dean in full, no matter that Sam is our way into understanding that Dean should open up to communicating honestly and without hesitation. It’s very clever that Dean’s masking stands as an obstacle for Dean to take Sam’s prodding seriously, and, of course, it has also been detrimental (and narratively necessary) in ensuring the codependency has remained intact for so long.

Good thing someone was introduced into the narrative that sees clean through Dean’s act, has little patience for it and, more than that, knows every aspect of Dean inside and out and continously is shown to accept him and want to stay by his side no matter what… *glances to the ceiling*

Suppression: is the conscious act of pushing down an unwanted emotion or impulse - a defense mechanism at the ready whenever it’s needed. For example, we can choose to suppress undue anger, fear or desire if we feel the situation makes these emotions inappropriate.

Suppression is a healthy way of dealing with unwanted emotions in the moment. However, suppression can become a habit that actually gives the suppressed emotions enormous power. If you routinely suppress your emotions this technique only works for so long before the emotions come flooding back - they may go away for the moment they’re unwanted, but it doesn’t mean you’ve dispelled them completely - and an outlet will have to be found.

If the suppressed emotions can be funnelled into healthy coping mechanisms - such as artistic endeavour or even physical labour - then that’s great, but some people don’t have access to those types of outlets and, instead, turn to unhealthy coping mechanisms.

Ah, Dean.

Repression: is the unconscious act of pushing down an unwanted emotion or impulse - a defense mechanism we have no control over and that may even result in blocked or reshaped memories. For example, our mind can repress childhood trauma out of self-preservation without us consciously being aware it’s done so.

Inner Child: True adulthood hinges on acknowledging, accepting, and taking responsibility for loving and parenting one's own inner child. For most adults, this never happens. Instead, their inner child has been denied, neglected, disparaged, abandoned or rejected. We are told by society to "grow up," putting childish things aside. To become adults, we've been taught that our inner child--representing our child-like capacity for innocence, wonder, awe, joy, sensitivity and playfulness--must be stifled, quarantined or even killed. The inner child comprises and potentiates these positive qualities. But it also holds our accumulated childhood hurts, traumas, fears and angers. "Grown-ups" are convinced they have successfully outgrown, jettisoned, and left this child--and its emotional baggage--long behind. But this is far from the truth. [x]

I wrote a bit about this in relation to the glorious 13x16.

To my mind, Dean is repressing a lot of the pain John caused him growing up. In S13 Sam even called him out on his behaviour around Jack, telling him that he was starting to sound like John and Dean merely replying with “good”. Dean doesn’t understand the extent of the damage John did to him, and until he can stop idealising this behaviour, until he can stop making excuses and defending John’s inability to show both his sons complete and unconditional love, I believe Dean will struggle with admitting to himself what it is he truly wants for himself.

Here’s the thing - Dean needs to learn how to acknowledge and nurture his inner child - not stifle it, but also not allow it to rule him ie. regress into a turtle shell in a self-indulgent manner if he’s face with a situation he doesn’t know how to or doesn’t want to handle - in order to let go of the past and heal. 

I believe there’s a sincere need for Dean to articulate a forgiveness for John’s choices and mistakes. For Dean to begin truly working on himself - be it in subtext (as it has been ever since 13x01) or actually textualised - he needs to let go of his idealisation of his father’s toxic masculinity traits and admit to himself that all he wanted from his father was unconditional love.

Once he can admit this, I believe he’ll be able to acknowledge his inner child and all that neglect that Dean himself is responsible for within himself, and finally begin to nurture that inner child and open himself up to what he wants for himself, which is what his father made him believe and feel he should never want because feelings are weaknesses, but more than that, the loss of his mother made Dean fear the idea of loving completely, not only because of how it instilled the belief that Good Things Don’t Last (which has been perpetuated throughout his life experiences), but because Dean could see how John’s love for Mary utterly broke him.

In spite of this crippling and wholly repressed fear, it’s what Dean has always longed for more than anything else: lasting love and a home and a family that is able to communicate through trust.

And because of this longing, Dean has suppressed his everyday emotions and his longing for real intimacy for a very long time, engaging in coping mechanisms for emotional outlets of varying kind, dressing himself in the toxic masculinity traits inherited by his father because the soldier in him means strength, assertiveness, determination, getting the job done without hesitation and being brutally merciless because the situation calls for it - his alter ego is an armour that has always made Dean feel safe and in control.

But, of course, the truth is that Dean has never been fully in control. He’s always been ruled by his fears, and until he can face those fears and be honest with himself about what he wants, he narratively shouldn’t be allowed or even be able to fully heal.

Dean finding his way back to his childhood and the home, love, family of that time, essentially undoing the wreckage that Azazel left him with, would also be a lovely emotional bookend for his journey. 

The fact that he’s now stepping into the father role for Jack has traces of all the best lessons for Dean, because for him to open up to an understanding of John the human man who made a helluva lot of mistakes, rather than John the father figure that Dean is protective of and which he emulates to this day, it’s important for Dean to gain perspective, and because of his complicated relationship with Sam of brother/father/mother and the forced parenthood, rather than the chosen, he simply can’t get there based on past experience alone.

Jack speaking the truths that Dean so desperately needs to hear in 13x06 is, honestly, quite remarkable.

Passing: is the ability of a person to be regarded as a member of an identity group or category different from their own, which may include racial identity, ethnicity, caste, social class, sexual orientation, gender, religion, age and/or disability status. Passing may result in privileges, rewards, or an increase in social acceptance, or be used to cope with stigma. Thus, passing may serve as a form of self-preservation or self-protection in instances where expressing one's true or authentic identity may be dangerous. While successful passing may contribute to economic security, safety, and avoidance of stigma, it may take an emotional toll as a result of denial of the authentic self and may lead to depression or self-loathing.

Passing is a common mechanism to use especially when unsure of how you would be received should you come out as anything but straight, or should you reveal you’ve suffered through mental illness or have any form of handicap that might be easier to hide than have out in the open. Passing - and any of its inherent strategies - is employed to avoid societal judgement, discrimination, ostracisation and, in some cases, physical harm.

I feel that passing and masking - along with stepping into his alter ego - are mechanisms that Dean uses when he’s out in public. These mechanisms have become so habitual that many aspects of this behavioural pattern have become part of his only idea of who he is, and because it’s who he’s always believed he should be in order to protect Sam and everyone he loves, whenever feelings related to his true identity stir within him, all the fears that are so deeply rooted make him immediately suppress this true self. 

The root of Dean’s fear of rejection and fear of failure, which is where all his insecurity, self-blame, low self-esteem and conflicted sense of identity originates, is the loss of his mother and the upturning of his entire world, but there’s a flip side to everything, because the root of Dean’s core traits have all grown and flourished thanks to everything he’s been through, thanks to the lessons of John Winchester and thanks to Mary’s choices, not merely because of it.

I want to clarify this, because I’m not saying that his alter ego isn’t also him. We’re dealing with real facets of his actual personality and he is the soldier, he is the fighter, the weapon and the shield, and these traits aren’t meant to go away simply because he begins to heal and reaches a point where he’s able to be himself fully, speaking his truths without hesitation and going for what he truly wants for himself. 

It’s all about striking a balance and getting rid of the internal need Dean has of hiding who he is behind a facade. 

He’s come extremely far.

All those masks and dual natures of episodes 1-11 of last season felt like a continous visual manifestation of Dean beginning to take a closer look at this toxic masculinity armour he’s dressing himself in and hiding behind, the anger and the fear and the control and the lack of trust (in himself even more than in others), and growing aware of the necessity to let it go. The necessity was hammered home in the final scene of 13x20, where he realised that his mode of being was now directly reflecting itself in Sam, who told him that if they die, they’ll do that together too.

This season is digging at the theme of parenthood, at the themes of truth vs. lie, judgement, identity, choice and - I barely even dare believe I’m able to include it in this list - the theme of fear, and it’s digging at them with delightfully sharp tools. I’m very curious to see how deep these tools will actually get to dig. We’ve been on a continous growth streak ever since S11, guys, and the threshholds and cusping of S13 have been pushed to a whole other level in the first five episodes of this season, but… we shall see.

Now I’d like to take a moment and talk to you about unhealthy coping mechanisms and sublimation.

In psychology, sublimation is a mature type of defense mechanism in which socially unacceptable impulses or idealizations are transformed into socially acceptable actions or behaviour, possibly resulting in a long-term conversion of the initial impulse. [x]

This pretty much means that if you have an urge to grab a gun and go out and shoot someone in the head because they’ve angered you, if you successfully sublimate that urge or impulse you will turn it into a healthy action instead, like going into your woodwork shop and building something useful or beautiful or both.

Now, does Dean Winchester engage in sublimation?

Let’s have a look at coping mechanisms that are labeled as negative: 

Avoidance — ie. not confronting a particular situation out of fear. Hi Dean having such trouble articulating emotions through words. *hard side-eye*

Smoking (hmh - including recreational drug use?)

Compulsive spending (meh)

Drinking too much caffeine — well

Escaping — pretty much running away, you know, like Dean did in 14x03 when he ran the fuck away from Cas. *harder side-eye*

Binge drinking — well

Sleeping all day (meh)

Promiscuity — meaningless sex takes the mind off what the heart truly longs for…

Stop eating/overeat — he doesn’t really care about being healthy; overeating is a stretch, but —>

Emotional eating — like eating pizza in a bed littered with empty take out boxes and snack food

I mean, looking at this list and I think we can say that Dean’s coping mechanisms have never been healthy and definitively are nowhere even in the vicinity of showing him off as a mature adult capable of handling his feelings.

I’m so fucking excited about how far he has been shown to have gotten, though, because 14x05 was head explosive goodness.

However, Dean labeling his behaviour as being linked to a healthy strategy of coping with, say, his anger, is a fallacy, and what’s always made me raise my eyebrows the most at it is the fact that it’s the man himself providing the label.

Dean does not have the emotional maturity - especially in S11 - to label his behaviour, and for him to actually believe his behaviour is a healthy and mature way to handle what life throws at him is worrying, to say the least, because it tells us that he’s kidding himself that there’s no need for him to actually work on himself.

The truth is that Dean has not been engaging in sublimation, but Dean using that label for himself in S11 - the season when the cogs truly started turning in his beginning to mature away from old habits - was a plant for where he should end up.

And boy oh boy is he learning lessons left, right and center.

Once he’s matured into self-actualisation and is centered and balanced in himself, he will be able to sublimate any of the above unhealthy coping mechanisms into behaviour that is healthy and sustainable. I cannot wait for that day!

[bigskydreaming]

All over the place thoughts about both Voltron (Yes, That Thing That Happened) and Bobby/Pyro in the comics: 

I am curious to see what they do with comicbook Pyro and Bobby, even though it wouldn’t be my first choice of pairing for him (Bobby/Johnny Storm) or even my second, third, fourth or fifth choices, but it’s better than nothing and there’s just enough of a push to make this new Pyro catch on that like, a pairing with him has a decent chance of going somewhere. Which is the real issue these days with LGBTQ+ comic book representation.

Like, this is something I’ve been thinking about since VLD’s new season came out yesterday. I do still watch that show casually, even though I’ve stayed far away from the fandom and the discourse from the start, because, like...survival and self-preservation, yo. But tbh, I haven’t been invested in it for several seasons now, ever since the utter shitshow which was the season of ‘let’s make our only black character the perpetrator of vile slavery metaphors because racism allegories with zero self awareness FTW amirite Dreamworks’? So, the latest evidence of its shitshow-ness didn’t hit me as hard as it did others, because I am Cynicism, hear me roar, but it still sparked some thoughts, which tie into my thoughts on representation in other media.

Basically....I’m super not impressed by content creators who think saying oh he’s gay and then like....NEVER FUCKING DOING ANYTHING WITH THAT is in any way, shape or form representation.

I mean, I can headcanon any damn character I want as gay myself. I don’t need you all in order to do that. If you’re going to make a character gay in order to call it LGBTQ+ representation, then fucking REPRESENT me. DO something with that. And no, that doesn’t mean every single facet of that character’s being needs to be about them being gay. It means that character needs to be treated like any other character, in every facet of their being. Or else you’re not actually representing anything other than how little this is a priority for you.

'Gay people exist in this universe’ with an arrow pointing at the single gay character you’ve established as such, with no other evidence outside of a single scene to indicate that they are in fact gay outside of audience headcanons - that is not representation. No viewer needs to see that the content creator acknowledges that yes, people like them do in fact exist, to feel validated on like....an existential level. We all KNOW we fucking exist. We don’t need you to fucking confirm that, thanks. We get annoyed as hell when you go out of your way NOT to acknowledge we exist, but like....just acknowledging we exist isn’t representing us, its literally DOING THE BARE MINIMUM TO DEMONSTRATE YOU ARE AWARE YOU LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE PEOPLE OTHER THAN YOURSELF EXIST.

So, despite what my online persona might suggest, in my real life outside the internet, I’m what most gay and bi guys would call ‘masc’. I frequently get told I don’t ‘come across as into guys’ by both gay and straight people, as though this is some kind of compliment. It actually just depresses me, because for myself, I’m painfully aware of how much my adult personality and mannerisms are a result of repressing anything that might ‘give me away’ as gay or bi when I was a closeted teenager. I WORKED at that. I cultivated this adult persona I have now, back when I thought it was a matter of survival and that being who I really was wasn’t either a good thing or something I wanted. And now, as a grown adult who’s been out for over a decade, I do regret never getting a chance to know who or what I might have become, what I might have looked like, acted like, if I’d never had to teach myself to conform to external ideas of what it meant to be masculine.

My point is, I, like many other gay and bi men, each with their own reasons and circumstances, do not visibly come across as gay or bi in casual encounters. Most people meeting me once, outside of me directly referencing my orientation, would not walk away thinking ‘oh he’s bi’. So I’m very aware that yes, characters can be gay or bi without otherwise ‘seeming any different’ from any straight characters. They don’t need to ‘be obviously gay’ in order to actually be gay.

But we’re talking casual, one time encounters here. Anyone who’s known me for longer than that, knows that I’m bisexual. Whether friends, coworkers, even casual but regular acquaintances.....it comes up. Because its not some minute, tiny part of me. It’s as big a part of me as any straight person’s heterosexuality, and you need to THINK about how often that comes up. Because it does.

Our orientations are not just evident in who we take out on dates or go home with at the end of the night. People who know me well know of my orientation  because of the jokes I tell, and reflect this back in the kinds of jokes they tell to me. People who know me know of my orientation because of the way I reference past relationships and the way I talk about what I look for in future relationships, and they reflect this back in how and when and in what ways they share details with me about their own relationships or what they look for and value in them. People who know me know of my orientation because I am the result of all my experiences, and those experiences include my romantic ones. They shaped who I am. To know me, to know who I am, means to know where my life has taken me, and that includes the various times a romantic or sexual encounter has played a large role in shaping who I became.

On Voltron, Shiro has been one of the main protagonists for seven seasons. The audience has interacted with his story, shadowed his story as this main protagonist, for seven seasons. That is not a casual, one time encounter on the street. It does not work to claim ‘oh you wouldn’t know he was gay if you met him casually, people aren’t always obviously gay’ as though audiences haven’t been exposed to Shiro in his most private, vulnerable moments, the same as all the other main characters. It does not WORK that in seven seasons, there was ZERO opportunity for Shiro’s orientation, the role being gay has played in his life and how it’s shaped him, the fact that he had a freaking fiancee at one point, one that Keith at least KNEW, given that he was spying on them at one point.....it does not WORK that no matter how ‘not gay seeming’ Shiro normally comes across as, in this seven season long story about these six individuals who come together as a family, who know each other better than they know their own families, this story where according to the creators, they planned on Shiro being gay from the start, or at least from season two.....it does not work that there are NO places where Shiro’s orientation should have organically come up before now, been a matter of reference for him or other characters, anything like that......if he were ACTUALLY being treated as representation, rather than tokenism.

We didn’t know Shiro was gay before now, not because some peoples’ gayness is just so inherently invisible and damn hard to see, but because his creators didn’t WANT us to see it before now. Because it wasn’t a priority. Because people want to include marginalized groups in their media and call it representation, to appease those viewers who are DESPERATE for representation, to see lives like theirs played out in these larger than life tales, to see themselves in the heroes who get to save the day....but without actually DOING anything with this so-called representation.

Because how do you see yourself in a character whose creators have gone out of their way to KEEP you from seeing him fully, until now? When the only way they decide to show it to you now is by giving him a fairly watered down scene with an ex who we’re told but not shown mattered a great deal to him, and then killing off that same ex five episodes later, thus ensuring we’ll never actually SEE not just how this character matters to Shiro, but what Shiro’s like when you’re NOT hiding or obscuring that part of him that’s literally the part that represents us?

The problem with Adam’s death on Voltron wasn’t even his actual death. It was the end of the final episode. When all of Team Voltron gets to tearfully reunite with their loved ones after everything they’ve been through, in celebration of their victory and acknowledgment of all they’ve lost. We see Hunk with his parents, Lance with his family, Pidge with hers. Allura and Coren and Romelle. Even Keith has his mom and his surrogate father figure. And perhaps we didn’t see Shiro have a scene like that because he isn’t an actual Paladin like those other five anymore. But also....Shiro COULDN’T have a scene like that, even if they wanted to give him one. Because Shiro, unlike all those other characters, has no one outside of them. And this is by design. Because his creators CHOSE to have him have no one. Oh, I know what the writers are saying online. That Adam was killed off to show the stakes of Earth’s invasion. LOL bullshit. In a show that prides itself on creating realistic stakes around a team who pilots flying robot lions to form a giant robot that fights evil aliens, you can not possibly believe that killing ONE tertiary character we’ve only seen ONCE and who we only know even matters to one of our protagonists because of that one mention....is what makes or breaks the ‘stakes’ of this storyline. 

Adam died, because the show wanted to demonstrate that yes, look, see, we have a gay character.....without having to actually SHOW it. Or do anything with it. Without having to show us Shiro and Adam tearfully reuniting just like all his teammates got to do with those most important to them, to show them being a couple, to show them, to show Shiro not just being gay, but being VISIBLY gay, in an actionable way that REPRESENTS gay viewers, that says, hey, this is what a gay man looks like when he’s reuniting with someone he loves or at least once loved. Without having to move forward into the next season, where the other characters will no doubt be shown at least once interacting more with their own loved ones, without having to show Shiro work out what his return to Earth and Adam’s presence in his life again means for him, and whether they’re back together or interacting as exes, either way necessitating Shiro’s orientation, this facet of his life as a gay man, being front and center ON SCREEN just like everyone else’s relationships....all without once ‘requiring’ Shiro be in any way romantically or sexually explicit with another man, like kissing or being shirtless in bed together are the only ways to visibly show a gay man’s orientation in the story you’re telling.

All of which brings me back to Bobby/Pyro in the comics, and how even though it wouldn’t be my first choice of pairing, now that they’ve established a basis for it in their one night stand, I want them to actually do something more with it.

Because Bobby is gay whether or not he’s in a relationship, same as Shiro is gay whether or not Adam lived or died. You don’t need to be in a relationship to be gay, obviously. But like I said earlier.....we don’t need gay characters to EXIST in order to feel represented. Our existence has never been in question or up for debate. Representation, what that means....is if you give us these gay characters, we need to feel they MATTER. That WE matter. That they and their stories are a priority. That they get happy endings as much as they get to suffer. That their being gay is not a footnote to them saving the world, but their being gay and all the struggles they’ve had to overcome because of it is part of what gives them the STRENGTH to save the world.

I love that Bobby, one of my favorite characters, is an out gay man in the comics now. I love that Sina Grace’s solo series wrote him unapologetically as a gay man, where his orientation was clear and visible through every issue of his series even though only three or four of those eleven issues had him actually in romantic encounters. I love that he is very clearly, very definitively demonstrated as having the same characterization, being the same character, being the same BOBBY that I’ve followed since I was a kid, because as an out gay man now and a closeted and repressed man before that, he’s still the same character. Now we just get to see different angles, see him in different lights, get new contexts for old behaviors.

But I need to see him in an actual relationship, because Bobby has always, always, ALWAYS been characterized as someone who WANTS to be in a relationship. Who hates being alone, who fears being alone. And because I’m not represented by a character that Marvel finally makes an out and proud gay man, saying in the process that the reason his prior relationships never worked out was because they weren’t true to who he is.....but then going on to refuse to give him a relationship that’s even just slightly more functional than his previous ones.

I don’t expect him to get married and live happily ever after because yes, it is superhero comics, and drama is part of the package. ALL the X-Men have severely dysfunctional relationships. But they still HAVE them. For all the drama and dysfunction that comes with iconic X-couples, that doesn’t change the fact that Rogue and Gambit ARE iconic. Scott and Jean and even Scott and Emma ARE iconic. These pairings are established. They are long-lasting. They MATTER.

And that’s what it comes down to. If you make a character to represent marginalized readers or viewers.....it can’t stop there. These characters simply existing will never be enough, because that isn’t the point. The point is....they have to MATTER. Every bit as much as their straight or white counterparts. Their stories have to matter, be as much of a priority, be just as impactful.

Or you will always, ALWAYS be sending the message to your marginalized audiences: you are still second class citizens in our eyes. You may exist, but you matter less than these other characters who have ALWAYS mattered.

I do not have to scream my orientation from rooftops in order to be an out and proud bisexual man. I do not need characters to scream their orientation from rooftops in order to be out and proud gay or bisexual characters.

But my orientation matters. My experiences derived from that orientation matter. And if you can’t make the orientation of your characters, the experiences that shape them, matter just as much in how you choose to tell your stories, how you choose to prioritize these characters and their experiences and their stories?

Then do not try and tell me these characters represent me.

Because they most certainly do not.

[dvrksiider]

multiples of 3 for the OC questions

Super detailed questions about your OCs || Not Accepting (thx nida :p) 

@errantson​

3. Did they have a good childhood? What are fond memories they have of it? What’s a bad memory? 

Main Verse: Nyla had an average childhood. Not necessarily good or bad (I don’t know if neutral is the best word here). The few fond memories were her warrior training before her Force sensitivity kicked in at full throttle. 

Light Side Au: Corryn feels she had a good childhood. Of course it was difficult for her because of her sensory overload and the intense training she began as a little kid. She fondly remembers spending time with her mother and father and how proud they were of her. 

6. What were they like at school? Did they enjoy it? Did they finish? What level of higher education did they reach? What subjects did they enjoy? Which did they hate?

Main Verse: She kept to herself and was distant. During her short time at the praxeum, she made very little friends. She was a bright kid with a lot of potential but the sensory disorder combined with her Force connection made her learning environment toxic and agonizing. Nyla finished her training with Snoke; out of her 17 years of training, 14 years were dedicated to darkness. During this time Nyla learned the ins and outs of pain, what made people tick and how a person could be broken. She also discovered she had a knack for Sith Alchemy.

Light Side Au: Corryn was shy and distant at first before finally feeling comfortable enough around the other students. She grew to love the academy as well as Luke and most of her peers. Before her 18th birthday, she went to Coruscant to start her sentinel training where they were busy restoring the Jedi Archives. Corryn stopped her training for a year once she discovered the praxeum had been destroyed. After that, she went back to Coruscant for another two years to study under her second master. She studied the old Jedi texts in great detail and learned how to strengthen and maintain control of her connection to the Force.

9. Do animals like them? Do they get on well with animals? 

Main Verse: Nyla is mean so therefore animals are like “uh no way.” She doesn’t particularly care for them either. There’s probably an unspoken agreement between her and creatures of the galaxy which involves both parties staying out of the other’s way. 

Light Side Au: Corryn loves animals. Most animals seem to like her as well. She helped Mara Eclipse take care of a smuggled Porg and the little guy has now won just about everyone’s heart around base. (eron wants to eat him??!! but he’s a good boi!!) 

 12. What is their favourite food? 

Main Verse: Traditional Mandalorian dishes. Whatever will give her the strength and nutrients needed to ensure her survival. Alcohol is nice too. 

Light Side Au: Corry loves meat ( a la Sokka), but really give this girl anything. She has a crazy metabolism and is a bottomless pit. 

15. Are they good at cooking? Do they enjoy it? What do others think of their cooking?

Main Verse: Nyla could survive on her own if need be, but because she’s aligned with the Order, she usually does not make her own meals unless away from her regiment or on some solo mission. In short she is adequate. 

Light Side Au: Corryn can cook decently. She’s actually better at baking and likes to surprise her friends and fellow Resistance members with something sweet every now and then. Most people would say she can make a good enough meal. 

18. What’s their favourite genre of: books, music, tv shows, films, video games and anything else

Main Verse: (gonna sound edgy but...) everything dark and macabre honestly. In a modern setting, Nyla would be all into horror and the supernatural.

Light Side Au: Corry enjoys action, adventure, mystery and comedy. She would be a fan of classic NES games and other pop culture phenomenon. 

21. Do they have a temper? Are they patient? What are they like when they do lose their temper?

Main Verse: Yes and no. Nyla’s secret is that she’s always seething. Unlike another dark sider, she’s gotten very good at masking it and keeping it under control. Nyla understands that there is a time and place for such anger- too much freedom will turn her into a loose canon. So in her right mind she is very selective about when and how she displays her anger. When she is angered enough, nothing is off limits; no words, no actions. The juxtaposition between her level persona and her rage induced state is incredible. It makes her all the more terrifying. 

Light Side Au: Corry can get a bit of a temper now and again. It’s nothing like that of her dark side self, but it can still be destructive in its own right. She’s been known to dig deep and say things that she knows will shut others up; ie something that might negatively resonate with someone. As she’s continuing to grow and learn, she’s always trying to develop more patience and finding healthier ways to express her anger. 

24. What is their sleeping pattern like? Do they snore? What do they like to sleep on? A soft or hard mattress?

Main Verse: Nyla only sleeps when it is required. (kinda like Leo Di Vinci) She has her own unique circadian rhythm. Some periods of time she gets adequate sleep. Other times she’s awake for days. Nyla’s silent breathing can be heard if listened closely, she prefers some level of comfort so a mattress in between soft and hard. 

Light Side Au: Depending on what’s going on in the Resistance determines Corry’s sleeping habits. She could be well rested some nights and then running on two-four hours other nights; nothing a good cup or twelve of caf can’t fix. She totally snores (nothing loud just noticeable. Mara can attest to it) and because of her sensory thing she likes soft things

27. What makes them sad? Do they cry regularly? Do they cry openly or hide it? What are they like they are sad?

Main Verse: The last time Nyla cried was when she was 10. So...I mean. As an adult, she doesn’t feel or experience sorrow the same way as she did in her youth. Things are just repressed before they can even be processed in real time. 

Light Side Au: The thought of never reuniting with her parents makes her sad. The thought of losing the war against the First Order makes her sad. The possibility of her friends and comrades dying makes her sad. Corry just feels a lot, okay? And while she’s not overly emotional, she will cry if she’s worked up enough and at that point she doesn’t care if people are around. She gets quiet and distant when she’s sad.

30. Do they exercise? Regularly? Or only when forced? What do they act like pre-work out and post-work out?

Main Verse: Nyla exercises pretty regularly (when she’s not in the middle of a mission that is). She’s very focused pre-work out and likes to tune out most things. She focuses only on herself and improvement. After work out, she’s calmer than usual and almost in a bit of a daze.

Light Side Au: Corryn tries to exercise regularly, but sometimes other things come up that are more important. She tries to be happy and positive before working out so she doesn’t give up halfway due to effort. Post work out, she’s tired and needs a shower and a nap tbh.

33. What underwear do they wear? Boxers or briefs? Lacey? Comfy granny panties?

Main Verse: Nyla wears bikini style and sometimes hipsters. 

Light Side Au: Corry wears hipsters and boyshorts most of the time. O my god corry you so gay

36. What are they good at? What hobbies do they like? Can they sing?

Main Verse: Well Nyla is good at murder. Not sure if that’s a hobby exactly...she is an exceptional duelist (her warrior training on Mandalore helped prepare her for this). She is also a very gifted psychometrist and performer of other dark Force powers; force storm, drain knowledge, memory walk, etc. I would pay to see Nyla sing. 

Light Side Au: Corryn is good at absorbing a lot of information in a small period of time. She is skilled with her lightsaber as well as Light side Force powers; battle meditation, Force concealment, Force protection, etc. Corryn isn’t a bad singer, of course when she’s drunk it is truly a spectacle. When sober she can carry a tune. 

39. Do they like letters? Or prefer emails/messaging? 

Main Verse: Nyla prefers holo messages. Gets the point across much faster and usually more effective (her methods are beyond brutal). 

Light Side Au: Corryn prefers letters because they are more personal. Growing up, she did her best to preserve her writing so she would never forget her mother tongue. 

42. What are their goals? What would they sacrifice anything for? What is their secret ambition?

Main Verse: Nyla wants power and control and she’s willing sacrifice her humanity for it. Her secret ambition is to kill her dark side master and take his place. But beyond that, Nyla desires to extend her reach beyond the First Order and to become the most powerful and formidable entity in the galaxy. 

Light Side Au: Corryn wants to become a self actualized Jedi Knight (grey jedi later). She would sacrifice herself for the Resistance and for her friends. It’s not a secret ambition, but Leia is currently helping her rise the military ranks so that she can become a well respected leader and teacher. 

45. How do other people see them? Is it similar to how they see themselves? 

Main Verse: People see Nyla as cruel, evil and diabolical. She can’t exactly dispute any of it and quite frankly she doesn’t care. She knows what she is and she revels in the darkness. 

Light Side Au: Most people think Corryn is a sweet girl determined to do the right thing. Sometimes she has self doubt but then she is reminded of who she is by result of her actions and feedback from those she fights alongside. 

48. Do they enjoy any parties? If so what kind? Do they organise the party or just turn up? How do they act? What if they didn’t want to go but were dragged along by a friend? 

Main Verse: Nyla would rather not. She only attends gatherings because it is expected from someone of her position. It’s all political and even she must save face and play along with the hierarchy of the Order. 

Light Side Au: Corryn enjoys smaller parties because too much going on overloads her senses. If it’s with people she likes and trusts then she’s bound to let loose and have a great time. If the party is huge then the poor kid becomes a wallflower. 

[newstechreviews]

I May Destroy You is a cryptic title. It could be a threat, a warning or merely an observation. But throughout Michaela Coel’s phenomenal HBO series, whose finale aired on Monday, the phrase functions more like a collection of questions. Who is speaking here, and to whom—who is the “I,” and who is the “you”? Does “may” mean “might,” or does it imply the granting of permission? Even “destroy” has some ambiguity; are we talking about fully obliterating a person or tearing apart their already-crumbling psyche in order to rebuild them stronger, better, healthier? After a full season in which Coel declined to outright explain her title but embraced complexity at every opportunity, the answer to all of these either/or questions seems to be: yes.

The semi-autobiographical story of her character, Arabella, doesn’t zig-zag from incident to incident so much as it expands to absorb the fullness of her experience. By the end of the premiere, she has been a pink-haired Londoner traveling to Italy to see a man who’s clearly not worth her time; a goofball who conducts business calls while rolling a joint in the loo, with the door wide open; an author who needs to submit the manuscript for her first book but can’t resist a night of partying at the bar with her friends; and, finally, a young woman struck by the sudden realization that she was raped during that outing. In the 11 episodes that follow, we meet many more Arabellas: the party girl whose friendships aren’t as solid as she thinks, the Me Too warrior, the social media influencer, the adult scarred by aspects of her childhood she’s blocked from her consciousness. Her approach to life shifts more often than her ever-changing hairstyle.

And yet, as the finale underscores, the stages she goes through aren’t linear or mutually exclusive; they’re cumulative, even when they contradict each other. So when the series’ penultimate episode ends with Arabella recognizing her rapist, it’s apparent that vengeance alone would make for a hollow resolution. Before she acts, this emerging author needs to weigh every possible outcome, because she’s reached a crucial juncture in her life, and her decision will dictate the kind of person she becomes. It’s a universal moment. Not everyone has survived rape, but we all have formative experiences to which we must either respond, ideally by growing into more self-aware versions of ourselves, or make the passive choice to repress and therefore stagnate. As Coel explained in a recent interview, “The show is calling for introspection.”

Natalie Seery/HBOMichaela Coel (left) and Weruche Opia in ‘I May Destroy You’

So it’s fitting that most of the finale takes place in Arabella’s writerly imagination. Like those touchstones of time-loop cinema, Sliding Doors and Groundhog Day—along with more recent takes, from Palm Springs to Russian Doll—I May Destroy You offers multiple potential endings. The episode, titled “Ego Death” after the Jungian concept of total psychic transformation and the show’s fictional bar of the same name, opens with the slick revenge scenario viewers might, at first, cheer. Wearing a platinum wig and patent-leather jumpsuit, our hero lies in wait at the bar with her best friend Terry (Weruche Opia) and their angry, problematic childhood acquaintance Theo (Harriet Webb). “A criminal always returns to the scene of the crime,” says Arabella. “But who’s the criminal, you or me?” When she lures her attacker, David (Lewis Reeves), to the bathroom where he raped her, Theo emerges with a syringe to inject him with the same dissociative drug he slips into women’s drinks. Fair enough.

But because this isn’t actually a spy movie, things start to go wrong. David lurches out of the bar with her underwear, which could be used as evidence, so the women have to follow him through the streets and take it back once he collapses. At that point, Arabella can’t resist the temptation to unzip his pants: “He saw my thing,” she says. “I wanna see his thing.” It’s here that Coel confronts viewers with the absurdity of the standard rape-revenge plot—the way it turns victims into the spitting image of their assailants and perpetuates a cycle of violence and degradation. When Arabella subsequently loses control, accidentally beats David to death and has to drag his body home to be hidden under her bed, that purposely ridiculous conclusion suggests that if she does something truly terrible to her attacker, she’ll never actually be rid of him.

The second scenario begins in a perfect world where Arabella would simply have to spot David at the bar and call the police to ensure that justice is served. But reality interferes again, when Terry points out that she has no evidence to support her allegations. (Coel lets the sad likelihood that a Black woman accusing a white man would be taken even less seriously than most rape accusations remain unstated.) The alternate plan Terry hatches on the spot is a total mess, requiring Arabella to get high on cocaine to counteract David’s date-rape downers, giving Terry enough time to summon the cops to the bar bathroom, where they’re supposed to catch him in the act. Before that can happen, David turns the situation around on Arabella. He accuses her of fixating on her own petty, privileged troubles in a world where there’s so much homelessness and war—and putting this argument in the mouth of her rapist exposes its profound stupidity. Still, it activates her guilt. She takes him back to her place, they have a heart-to-heart, and then the police turn up to arrest him anyway. So much for healing through mutual understanding!

Natalie Seery/HBOMichaela Coel in ‘I May Destroy You’

The third time around is utterly surreal. Ego Death is eerily empty. Arabella buys David’s drink, they make out and then she brings him home, where they have sensual sex and she appears to be penetrating him. They fall asleep in her bed and wake up together the next day. Would things be different, Coel seems to be asking us, if Arabella had all the power? If women were the dominant gender? Yet this isn’t what Arabella really wants, either. “I’m not gonna go unless you tell me to,” David tells her as they lie side-by-side in the morning. This, it turns out, is the outcome she’s been seeking. She needs him out of her head, evicted from the subconscious where he’s been living rent-free. “Go,” she finally says, and the other two versions of him she dreamed up—the dead David and the penitent David—follow the submissive David out the door.

Each of these scenarios, which are really possible conclusions to the book Arabella can’t finish until she sorts out who she is and what she wants to say, begins with what looks at first like a throwaway scene. She informs her gentle, homebody roommate Ben (Stephen Wight) that she’s going out to hunt down David, and he settles in for a quiet evening of gardening, bird-watching and YouTube videos about loneliness. But in the last, and probably the real, version of this fateful night, she decides to stay home with Ben. She really has banished David from her life. (Still, a few loose ends have been rattling around in my mind. Are Arabella and Ben becoming more than friends? My sense is that Coel means to leave this ambiguous, maybe to avoid making a different man into a deus ex machina. Yet it must mean something that Arabella’s friend Kwame, played by Paapa Essiedu, asks Ben in the previous episode, “Do you ever get that feeling that someone is right for you, but you’re not yet the person you need to be to also be right for that person?” Meanwhile, here’s a more troubling question: doesn’t this resolution leave David free to keep hurting other women?)

Flash-forward several months, and her book is a hit, her friendship with Terry has never been stronger—and Terry has grown, too, falling in love with a trans man and channeling her nerves into a commercial where she gives an authentic performance as a woman having a panic attack. In a narrative sense as well as in a moral sense, for Arabella the character and Arabella the writer and Coel the writer, revenge is a crutch. Trying to understand other people’s cruelty can be a dead end, a waste of energy. Though it’s a tougher path, the way to make peace with the awful things they do to us, Coel suggests, is to let that adversity teach us who we really are. And the “you” who’s ultimately destroyed and created anew? Reader, it’s us.