#and im tired of tht i want to go thru with things im tired of just talking abt maybes

[parkinglothater]

life is just sucks recently

[wrdn-tabris]

a little life update :-)

(pls help i need advice)

so

i have this friend. two friends actually. i went to visit them recently (june)

friend 1, lets call her cat had asked friend two, lets call her bee, to move down with her. bee agreed. issues immediately started. bee was off her meds and didnt want to get back on them, and started picking fights with cat, treating her badly and etc bc thats what bee used to do when she still lived with her mom. pick fights when her mood dropped and get into screaming matches (tho its not like her mom didnt also pick fights with her)

cats telling me abt this at this time and i feel bad bc i feel like i wasnt being a good friend mostly bc i didnt have the energy to hear abt how terrible it was going for her. i was going thru a lot when it started which isnt her fault or my fault, but i feel bad for not being more supportive. so cat stopped telling me abt it, bc i didnt know what to do or how to fix things. i thought stuff resolved itself but i went and visited and it hasnt. really.

so i arrive. bee doesnt come with cat to pick me up, which, ok disappointing but i understood she was tired. she didnt come to eat with us either. which also sad

next day cat asks for some rent money to get herself lunch, bc she forgot to make smth to eat before leaving and cat couldnt and wouldnt give their rent money so she could get lunch. so she asked us to bring her lunch from mcdonalds if she ordered somthing bc she had points on the app, and we had to decide tht if we are driving tht far out to where she works we might as well do something over there. cat asks if we should invite her partner with us and i agreed bc i wanted to meet him. we go to pick up her lunch, she asks me to buy her something rather than ordering smth off the app, which, feels :/ to assume ill just buy it for her. i would have if she asked but she just sent me her order. mybe an asshole move of my to say 'uhhh sure if ur able to order it off the app???'

get the food, fight thru traffic to get to her, have to fight thru parking traffic to get out of where she works. we end up visiting this old military fort and hang out for a few hours and when we come back we think bee is asleep. its like. 7:30? 8:00?

so i try to inflate the blow up bed i got for them to use for when they have other guests sleep over and me and cats bf wake her up while im trying to figure out how to work it so she comes out and snaps at us. i apologize for being loud, promise to be quieter but im inflating the air mattress so i might be loud for a few minutes. the ENTIRE time im inflating it shes standing there arms crossed glaring at us and clearing her throat the entire time. and maybe its just me but??? i find that to be a little fucking rude tbqh. me and the bf are guests and its making me feel unwelcome and regretting the money i spent to come visit her. anyways cat comes out from the bathroom bc bee is still there clearing her throat with her arms crossed even after i finished fixing up the air mattress, and its quiet as hell bc me and bf are both uncomfy. cat gets mad and upset bc were guests in their home and she shouldnt be treating her like tht. shes upset we woke her up but surprise surprise shes even MORE upset i met cats partner before hers bc she wanted it to all be 'together' even tho i agreed to meet bf bc i did! want to meet him! and that we went to the fort without her.

anyways.

i apologize to her abt that bc i wanted to meet him but shes like 'no cat knew i wanted to do this thing' which fair.

the rest of the week goes ok. i get to meet her partner and theyre so nice and funny and i was super excited to meet them. we hit off great. we get lunch with one of cats friends, bee remarks abt 'oh i used to get so upset abt ppl being happier than me, enjoyed making ppl unhappy and would go out of my way to do so, bc i didnt like that they were happy and i wasnt' i buy bee a present for her birthday and u kno week ends i go home, and turns out bees partner comes out to her abt some things and bee freaks out, gets super upset and reacts really poorly. starts crying and going off abt being betrayed and etc.

turns out partner breaks up with her the next day bc they were uncomfortable with the reaction and then she starts crying and going off again abt feeling betrayed and upset and wanting to kill herself and tht they told her they loved her and would never leave and etc etc etc amongst other 'its not faiiiir' reactions. i still hold the opinion she was upset bc they broke up with her first.

cat calls her out for her behavior and that shes saying some very inappropriate things and tht ex isnt an awful person. bee ends up demanding all the gifts she gave ex back and wanted to know what ex would be doing with special gifts they got her before they both broke up.

i honestly end up quite. disgusted? with her behavior bc any time she broke up with someone while she lived separately from cat, shed ghost us and wed only get her side of the story. cat all but ends up moving in with her partner bc bee refuses to clean up after herself and keeps making a mess of things and its just a bad living situation.

cat tells bee tht shes not thinking of renewing their lease at the end of the year bc she cant handle living like this and bee lashes out. ends up making a mess of their kitchen and breaking some of cats things.

she also uses special non stick stuff of cats and uses metal on it (which ur not supposed to do) and keeps using cats own dishes and dishes she got from her grandma and doesnt clean them or anything.

my thing is. i dont know what to do. i kinda wanna stop our friendship bc im upset at how shes treating our other mutual friend. but i dont know if i should talk to her bc ive asked cat if i should try and talk to her to get her to see tht shes not being a good friend and cats told me not to, mostly bc she refuses to see shes wrong. im leaning towards wanting to follow her advice bc she has been living with bee but also it feels so scummy not to say anything esp when i know shes going to be going thru a difficult time in the next few months. however if i talk to her, i dont want to cause her to lash out at bee or have any of her things that are still at their apartment broken bc bees already proven to lash out and break other peoples things when shes upset at them, and i dont want to make it any worse for her.

bee would tend to ghost us when she was stll living with her mother, so much so tht we wouldnt hear from her for weeks or months, esp when she was feeling bad. i would try to reach out to her just to make sure she was fucking alive lmao. im worried if i were to reach out and ask abt all this and end with our friendship splitting off, shed do something drastic like hurt herself. i want to reach out and try to salvage what i feel is a dissolving friendship but i also dont want to be friends with this type of person unless shes worked on herself. i still love and care for her but like i know who i would stick by if i had to which... feels bad to say and sucks but th fact is i am closer with cat, mostly bc when bee would ghost us me and cat would still talk and we have more in common.

i want to talk and ask her why she would do and say these things and treat ppl she loves like this but ive been told not to but it would feel wrong not to at least. reach out. i dont know what to do.

AITA?

[nicegaai]

stuck on writing again. im gonna talk myself thru it in text post form

okay if i dont wrap this oneshot up before my brain completely burns out editing it i will lose my mind

naturally theres buildup to sex and then i really just do not want to write it. i can fade to black or otherwise gloss over it, sure. whatever. but then i have to write something AFTER IT and i also dont know what to do with that.

like i have a little bit im working on ...... as much as i dont want it to feel abrupt i just want it to be OVERRRR . i dont want to wrap up anything, i dont want to think about this. the dramatic spoiled artist in my brain is throwing a tantrum. It's Whatever. this isnt my magnum opus, its just me trying to exorcise myself of the ince/st kink demon again . it never works and i feel real weird about it. like am i propagandizing atp? im scared im passing this kink onto others accidentally. sorry im like this. nobody look at me. anyway

i dont want this to be Good as much as i want it to be Done <- lying

i could try to cut it off early . but oh my god if i ended it as soon as they start making out thats weird, i dont like that flow. if i cut it as soon as theyre in bed together thats ... tht only works if its a fade to black and then we come back afterwards right? wouldnt it be strange to have 5k words of buildup, then they kiss and it fades to black, and then thats it?

reading that, i might feel cheated. but my god i do not want to write another bj i dont want to write them actually doing it. i would NEVER get around to finishing that. like i said. i am so close to burnout i need to figure out how to end this quick. i wanna do it TONIGHTTTT.

and i think i do need to add more. i guess the morning after?

ughhhgh sghdhgshgshdskgks dgshkld gsd hsd js dsdkskfhsdkjfs dksjkhdf ksjhdfks jdhfksj dfksjdhfkjshdfkjshdf

ok ok .

because, i do want to play with the fallout a little. i have ideas. but i am also so so tired. of this i mean. (the fallout is ofc that they fuck again. which i also won't write.)

ok current game plan.

i go back into the document. i have an hr n a half. i write up a short aftersex interaction and end it whenever it feels right. do NOT make it long enough to let them leave the room. it is a SHORT conversation. then i go back and finalize the fadeout sex.

at this point i probably will have to leave (friday niteee bb) (i am a very slow writer) but when i get back i can go over the highlighted text ive marked to edit / research / etc... clean it up quickly. then do the ao3 format stuff i suppose !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! add tags summary etc.

....yeah ! yeah i guess.

writing fanfic is all about learning who u are as a writer i think. id like to move on to personal projects someday yk... first thing ive learned: do not let urself edit the same 15 pages on an eternal ocd loop: u will explode and die before u get to the actual end

anyway after this i promise to write all that cousin sex. somehow i have never lost interest in that au. having friends to talk ab ur au with always makes them more fun

[baekhvuns]

I almost thought I forgot to send you an ask, dw abt the timing tho. it happens to me a lot 😭 I forget if I had done something and then i question it?

IKR HIS WHOLE PERSONALITY IRKS ME SO MUCH BUT THEN HIS FACE?? HIS FACEEEE!!! 😩😩 he's such a hypocrite honestly, and each time he makes a dumb fucking decision I want to punch him in the face so bad!! BUT THEN I RMR THT ONE CHAPTER WHERE NAVIER'S HAVING A FLASHBACK TO WHEN THEY WERE KIDS AND- 😭 I CANT-

Bcz...this just got too real? 🫣

NO STOP STOP ITTTT HWA TURNS INTO A PANTHER 😭😭😭 IM READY TO BE THE TARZAN!!

U GIVE ME THINGS TO GUSH OVER EVERY DAMN TIME! BCZ WDYM INTIMIDATING CEO X FAKE DATING AUS OH IM SO READY 😭

😒 don't even talk abt tht selfish piece of shit, I hate her. The audacity she has, like she literally just said "there's not a woman in the whole world that wouldn't sulk if his lover is spending time with another woman." 😃 miss girl YOU are the OTHER WOMAN! He is spending time with his WIFE! On her BIRTHDAY. Jail. I want to see her in jail. I'm glad Heinrey knows the kinda person she is, he and the empress are the only ones putting her in her place. Like it annoys me so damn much how she cries over every damn thing, idc whatever shit she went thru, it didn't give her any right to become a homewrecker. And soveishu is dumb enough. And navier?

....she's. Etheral. How to be her? How to hv a man like hers? How to be bold like her? How to BE NAVIER??

OMG GURL YES I READ IT 😭 I CANT BELIEVE SOVEISHU KISSED NAVIER'S NECK?!?!?!?! 😭 IM- IDK THT MAKES ME LIKE HIM MORE DESPITE HIS SHITTY ATTITUDE?? WHAT DO I DO 😭 but respectfully, he should fuck off....you lost the chance man. You lost her. No Bcz what does he want frm navier??? Does he think she has a heart of stone? As if she doesn't hv feelings??? He gets all riled up if she even talks with some other guy and look at him, going out with a strange girl he has no idea who tf she even is.

I'm telling you rashta is the downfall of the empire. Girl I'm telling ya, if I see a strange woman running to hug my man like tht..id throw hands idc what my status would be, I would THROW HANDS. (On both, my man, and the girl) Navier is so strong. BWAHAHAHAHA AND HIS GUTS TO SAY "IM A GOOD MAN" 😭🤚 STOPH- HES THE MOST DELULU PERSON EVER! Rashta is like that one annoying cousin. LIKE SHE HAD THE AUDACITY TO WEAR THE SAME DRESS AS NAVIER?!?!? FASION POLICE- YOU GOTTA ARREST HER! BCZ THT IS PLAGIARISM 😭

WTF WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCKK??? SHES PREGNANT 😭😭😭😭 (tbh I bet the emperor thinks, a baby is made if you hold hands) GURL IM GONNA FAINT FRM ALL THE DRAMA THAT UNFOLDS IN EVERY CHAPTER NOOOOOO NAVIER!! I WOULD HV CRIED I WOULD HV- I WOULD HV COLLAPSED AND STARTED TO WEEP SHES SO STRONG!! 😭😭

LESGOOO MY SHIP IS SAILING!! I WONDER WHEN THE DIVORCE EP WILL COME!! OH COME ON NOW IM FALLING FOR DUKE KAUFFMAN 🤧

NO WAY HE DRANK THE LOVE POTION AND DISTRACTED SOVEISHU 😭😭😭 IM DYING- :0 he punched him

I'm gonna kill him, I'm gonna kill him, I'm really gonna kill him I HATE HIM SO MUCH! NEVER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE HAS A CHARACTER MADE MY BLOOD BOIL THIS BAD!

Navier no...the potion has worn off, Duke Kaufmann likes you 😭

OHMYGOD KOSAIR IS HERE HES HERE AHHH SO PROTECTIVE 😭😭 NO I GET IT WHY U LIKE HIM! DOUBLE EMPRESS?!?! 😭 *Searches on Google:- how to be an empress?*

No way you fell asleep on the stairs...was it Bcz it was comfortable or you were just too tired to walk till your bed? 😭 (OMG I WROTE THIS THINKING YOU WROTE "I FELL ASLEEP ON THE STAIRS" AND I WAS LIKE ?!?! WHAT- I READ IT WRONG 😭😭 but this is so funny so I kept it in the ask, i cn be so silly sometimes)

NO WAY DROP THE NAME OF THE MOVIE! controversial? I'm questioning my tastes-

Ikr it's so wholesome and cute, the last episode ended on sung ho offering haebom to drink with him, man I'm totally up for everything that's coming next, Bcz haebom, is already in love and he might not realize it yet, Bcz the way he blushes EVERYTIME he sees sung ho. LIKE WHEN HE DROPPED HIM AT THE DAYCARE CENTRE HE THOUGHT "DID WE JUST LOOK LIKE A COUPLE RN??" NOW TELL ME THIS MF DOESN'T THINK ABT IT ALL THE TIME 😭😭 dw I'll update you once the new episode comes.

I don't wanna go to work tomorrow AND I DONT WANNA GO TO UNI I wanna fall in love with someone IM SO LOVESICK 🤧

LMFAOOOO 😭😭

RIGHT??? SOMETIMES I GENUINELY FEEL BAD FOR HIM BUT THHEN HE DOES SOMETHING AND IT MAKES ME SO MAD LIKE U DESERVE RASHTA ATP like he looks like hwa and it makes me feel bad but then he ABSOLUTELY DESERVES IT 😭

please stop. im in a public setting this picture to picture comparison is taking me out pls don’t let me do this bc i have this draft where the reader is an undercover empress and san’s a thief w heinry’s personality

LMFAOOOO NOT TARZAAN FBKWDHKW

A VERY INTIMIDATING CEO (YSL PERSONA) X HIS PRIV SECRETARY WHO WAS HIS JUNIOR IN UNI FBWMDJWKDJKW WRAPPED INTO FAKE DATING ANON DO NOT DO THIS RN

no srs as much of a goof heinry is he is quick to check someone like rashta or whoever disrespects navier like that,,,, rashta needs to go to jail esp for what she did to that maid???? gOD 😭😭😭 ITS ON SIGHT WITH HER AND THE WAY SHES COPYING NAVIERS STYLE AND HAIR ?????? CRYING honestly soveishu puts her in place sometimes and it makes me feel so good omg i just spoiled it for u

NAVIER IS THE PERSONA OF ELEGANCE !!! THE EMPRESS, ur asking the right questions bc when will fate put us under her fate 😭😭

NO SERIOUSLY AND HE MADE HER CRY LIKE ??? AND THEN ASKED HER TO MARRY HIM AGAIN AND BE THE MOTHER OF RASHTAS KID ???? BOY???? THATS NOT EVEN UR KID THQKDHWK NO LITERALLY PLAGIARISM WHERE U AT 🔫🔫🔫 DIVORCE EP WILL HAPPEN!!!!! HEINRY TREATS HER SO WELL GETS HER BLUSHING AND SHIT TOO 😭😭😭😭

duke kaufman is so 🥰☺️🥰 id be w him ngl very mingi coded

DUDE KOSAIR IS SO 😩😩😩 WHYS NAVIERS ENTIRE FAMILY SO PRETTY

NO LMFAOOO THIS IS SO CUTE FHWJD 😭😭😭 I FELL ON THE STAIRS LIKE GOING UP THE STAIRS did not fall asleep but i was transferring from my couch (where i slept on) to my room and i thought the platform of the stairs was there and i took a step and boom im collapsing <3 my eyes were closed yes bc i have this thing that if i open them while i transfer my sleep will vanish <3

omg ok it’s a 2006 bollywood movie w srk in it, it was extremely controversial bc of the concept but i think if it were released today it would’ve gotten a better reaction nonetheless

“DID WE JUST LOOK LIKE A COUPLE RN???” STOP IT. STOP IT. WEVE REACHED THE MOMENT OF REALIZATIONS !!!!!

manifesting a ceo who does ur taxes and handles everything for u <3

[ngestwo]

maybe its because i always find myself solving things on my own and know tht after all the freaking out evrything would just go well and be done in time.

its not that I dont want to help her but (ok maybe thts the case bc as of NOW im ALSO dealing w a burdening grp proj mmber)… i just find it unecessary for her to do that (on contrary, maybe i shouldn’t say that bc i dont know how distressed she must be bc of the workload and my tolerance for workload is rather questionable). But I’ve helped her in the past, somewhat this isnt any different, and I just think shes the one who puts herself through it. Maybe I’m just too logical, but at the same time she always drowns herself in her emotions and not do anything abt it. And the thing w helping her in the past, sometimes she doesnt seem to draw the line between helping or doing it all for her.

For now all I can say is to feel sorry for her that shes being put in shitty group projs. I dont want to seem that Ive lost my empathy either, but at least i want to give it a moment because i also have my own war to fight at the moment shshdh ill come to her later on. Believe me i’m also tired of what i’m dealing w, u’ll get thru it dw.

[yumenosakiacademy]

im so v constantly tired from the only like 5-5 1/2 hrs of sleep i get a night n the constant exercise i put myself thru giving me tht 'weird feeling behind the eyes tht feels like Sleepy' bullshit but at the same time i dont want 2 nap bc it "wastes my already limited time i could b using 2 do other things" (what 'other things' lmao..) n i dont wanna sleep in bc "i hav a good balance going on. also if it rains during the day n i leave 2 late im kinda Fucked" OTL

[bluehwale-main]

LIZ IM SICK ND TIRED OF PPL

i read ur other ask and i have a lot of some THOUGHTS

1) IM ALSO SO HAPPY THAT U DIDNT GIVE UP IN PREPARING FOR UR MOCK EXAM LIKE I AM SO PROUD OF U LET ME JUST KISS U ON THE FOREHEAD!! frr like trying not to give up is so hard to do so im rlly glad that u got thru that and that u did well on the exam :’-) I AM SO SO PROUD OF U I JUST KNOW THE RESULTS ARE GONNA BE GREAT I HAVE FAITH IN U <3

2) goodluck on ur final exams!!!!! i hope u had a good break on ur 15 days of study holiday + prepared well for ur exams!! sending u all my love and all the four leaf clovers i can find to manifest good luck on top of ur sexy brain 🍀🍀

3) INTROVERT SCORPIO????? are u hongjoong in disguise 🤨 but anyw LMAOO FR LIKE WHENEVER IM WITH MY FRIENDS I CURSE LIKE 14 YEAR OLD BOY TRYING TO ACT COOL (translation: i curse a lot) SO ABHSHSHSAHA U NEED TO TEACH ME UR WAYS!! but fr so happy for u that u get a break from exhausting toxic ppl during the holiday <3

4) WHAT IS THIS GUY DOING HE BETTER SQUARE UP BCS I CAN FIGHT POW POW 💥🥊 nah but fr one of my friends told me that guys won’t be friends with a girl unless they find her attractive and i was like LMAOO WHAT AHAHAHaha Haahaha.. aha… nthen i kinda realized that she’s 100% right :-/ men aint SHIT but anyw U CAN LITERALLY TREAT UR GUY FRIENDS SUPER PLATONICALLY LIKE STRICTLY PLATONIC FRIEND ZONE BEHAVIOR TYPE OF SHIT N THEY’D STILL BE LIKE oh so u’d wanna date me huh LIKE ??????????? get ur head out of ur ass

5) i hate false/misleading gossip w a passion bcs i’ve been a victim of it wayy too many times so hearing what u said makes me so MAD like ppl should mind their own business fr what. like i love silly little gossips i can giggle about but yeah it really sucks when u’re the one at the wrong edge of the sword i do not recommend nu uh mhm sucks big time

6) recommend me some kdramas pls

7) HES BLAMING U????? oh hell no HE HAS TO GO!!!! n btw u are not at fault at all for reaching out to him BCS U WOULDNT KNOW THAT HE’D START FLIRTING WITH U???? 💀 bro is kinda pathetic ngl. and yeah i do get that part abt wanting genuine male friends who only see u as a friend and like. i genuinely cant find any in my campus. i can only rely on my highschool guy friends to pull through but 95% of them study abroad so that sucks 😔

8) oooh yikes i dont like ppl who bash about their own friends :( that rlly sucks ugh ditch her!! and also hm i cant really tell who is it that snitched the gossip to the asshole BUT KEEP AN EYE ON BOTH OF THEM 😡 also its a good thing they unfollowed u bcs u R BETTER OFF WITHOUT THEM <3

9) again, PROUD OF U FOR UR MOCK EXAMS AND I WISH U THE BEST OF LUCK FOR UR FINALS <3 ILY i hope ur mental peace wont hv to be ruined for u to get a degree 😭

10) honestly i have like 4 insta accounts all for different reasons (i need help ik) and i used to be so active but it just gets so tiring tht im honestly never on insta anymore. like i just repost my friend’s stories whenever they tag me lmao 😭😭😭😭 but yeah it feels nice to not be all up on ppl’s business all the time i feel u

11) IM STILL HAPPY U DID UR MOCK EXAM SO WELL‼️ DONT LET THAT SENIOR GUY GET TO U!!! keep ur head up ren ily goodluck on ur final exam and keeping ur mental peace intact <3

[legobatjoker]

okay ik this is maybe rly rly sappy to say nd stuff but one thing i wanted to say tht i didnt get a chance to earlier is tht when we were going thru airport secuirty and i was rly tired and overwhelmed and stuff i imagined i was going to america to meet u and it made me feel sm better and stuff imagining meeting u nd gving u a big hug :] <3

omg 🥺🥺 thats sososooo sweet mx 😭😭😭 im sosooo glad that thought cld help you while you were overwhelmed :’>>>>!!! ive had similiar kinda moments when i was in england jsyk:33!!!

[yourbleedingh3art]

tonight i just want to disappear. blip out of existence and not be seen or heard from again. leave my house in the middle of the night from the front door and just keep walking and not stopping, past all the things that are familiar until im somewhere unknown and unrecognizable and by myself. protected by hermitage. i want to keep things to myself. i only want to be looked at by strangers. i only want to talk to strangers. i want to be careless and unattached and worry about nothing, no one.

this would be nice for a week or a month probably not any more time than that, definitely not forever. but i want it so bad. a little vacation where im all by myself under the microscope of no one, truly free. i savor my time like that.

i keep worrying about stupid things ive already spent time worrying about before. chasing my own tail. big familiar circle.

i like my new hair. the blue. i've gotta adjust to seeing myself with it since it doesnt feel truly "me" yet, but i like it. i waver. i go back and forth. i definitely like it when i have makeup on. but im waiting for it to be comfortable 24/7, not just when im dolled up. its only the first few hours with it and i always struggle with change so im not surprised.

i am smoking in my garage. i've been doing this the past couple of nights, since it would cause too much trouble for me if i tried smoking in the house again. i dont mind going outside, though. it helps me break through the slump of spending all day in bed, burning thru my weed till its all gone and im a tired mush minded zombie.

i like elliott smith a lot. talking to mary is stuck in my head right now. i like that song so much. and pretty mary k. i like when he talks about marys. i think talking to mary is partially about me partially about mother mary partially about all the other obvious things its about that i cant name right now. and pretty mary k is about drugs or longing or being stuck wanting something and is also partially about me. i learned what solipsism meant the other day and now im scared im egocentric or an accidental solipsistic. if i sound like one i dont mean to be.

my pipe tastes very bad right now. i know it needs to be cleaned. luckily it's small so it wont be hard to do that. my spring break has been okay. it's had really good moments. it's just tough for me to be at home. it makes me think. it usually makes me ruminate.

i keep thinking, i hope it wasnt a mistake to change my hair. i dont know why i keep thinking that. i know i had planned this for a long time. i know i wanted this, anticipated this, and this looks exactly like what i wanted (well basically the roots could be fixed but mehhggghh it's really fine the color took quite well and it looks fine to the regular schmegular person in my opinion). but i keep worrying about it, i think it's anxiety related to other people, like what if they think, she was so much cuter with pink hair, that was her calling card, she was so dumb to dye it this ugly blue with those hideous roots. well then i would say. hey id been thinking about it a long time. and change is good. and if u dont like it dont look! shove it! when have i ever really cared about what other people think of what i look like. we all have our insecure moments but i dont let tht deter me ultimately from styling myself the way i want and im not gonna start. and i wasnt so anxious tht i didnt dye my hair bc here i am, decision made, not impulsively either, i bought the day and waited a full day and night of sleep to do it afterwards... so i guess i just needed to confront and acknowledge the little voice in the back of my head and reason it out in my virgo way

part of me is also scared the boy i love wont like it. and thats why i was upset when ii sent him a selfie and he did not compliment my hair! or just a general ur cute/sexy/hot comment. he didnt even heart the message. he was just like. oh i predicted u would dye it navy bc u said back in december u wanted to. wait is it purple or navy. and i could not even respond bc well its very obviously blue and i want to be told u think it's pretty!! also i felt silly because i sent him the picture and a lot of my torso was exposed in it maybe i looked, for lack of better words, like a tryhard slut, and i was like, no, of course u dont, hes gon a be like. ur so sexy. cuz u look good in tht pic! but then he didnt even say that. so i was like. oh... maybe he thinks i am... and. i was likle. ughghghghghghghghg why do i care what he thinks i hate caring! i hate caring what other people think!! bc then i cant just go about my day im like ooh what do they think...ok im getting too high to do anything but ramble now. to wrap this up i think i was just being silly because yes i wouldve appreciated the compliment but i already know i looked good in that picture so its not something to get butthurt about and ignoring him is fine if i want to do tht i can do whatever i want but make sure the ignorance is not just avoidance, make sure ur choices are conscious. bc i always want to avoid Issues bc. i am scared of change a lot and i feel like i have to be "strong enough to handle it" and i only feel strong and brave on certain days of the week.

so there is my friday march 18 12:18 am honestly blog post

[angeltrapz]

helo beloved mutual connor, im sorry ur goin thru it rn but i come bearing asks n a heart emoji (💗): bcuz i have had this thought floatin around for a lil bit, wld love 2 hear ur takes on an Adam/Eric/Mallick (+ Art too if u want!) road trip vacation! how long wld they go, do they get motels or camp or just sleep in th car? whats everyone's favorite road trip snack? what sorta shit do they like 2 stop for? (weird tourist traps like giant balls of yarn etc, small town main street stores, cool looking restaurants, nature sites, Actual Destinations, so on n so forth!)

fjkdsd thank u beloved mutual adam,,, <3

ohhh I love tht idea!! road trip fics/hcs are one of my weaknesses,,

but um!! I rly like the idea of th four of them going camping a few hours up north!! (we... don't rly know where. SAW is set so just. imagine a vaguely rural campground lmao. I'm used to camping in th upper peninsula of MI so) it's smth tht Art did a lot w his family when he was growing up, so he's th most familiar w it - Eric went a few times as a kid too, Mallick went Once, n Adam has never rly been camping, w his family or otherwise (he's slept on a trampoline at one of his friends' houses once tho). Art is p excited abt it tbh, it's not exactly smth he gets 2 do often so he's got this whole list planned of things he wants 2 show them!!

it's easiest 2 just take a week in late August, bc they can head back home on a Friday n have the weekend to settle n readjust b4 th coming week + they have to go back 2 work. so they head out around ten on a Monday morning 2 kind of get ahead of th traffic (or at least try to). Art drives both bc he insists and bc he knows they can switch if he needs to, which he does later w Eric. it's a good couple hours (at least 3) b4 they get 2 th campground Art wants to take them to, so clearly it is Music Time + Adam made sure 2 bring CDs! a lot of that time is just spent vibing 2 th music and singing very, very loudly (ESP on Adam + Mallick's end). Art's up front like u three are so fucking goofy (affectionate), but eventually he starts singing too lmao.

Mallick starts th Colour Game, where they try 2 find a car fr every colour of th rainbow. it's smth Eric is familiar w as well bc he used 2 play it w Daniel sometimes, and it's good until they come to purple bc how often do u see purple cars??? so Adam's just like "we're not gonna find pink either" n tht's when this fucking pink pickup truck (noticeably spray-painted, + not done well) passes them n Adam just groans n thumps his head against th window. Mallick is like, trying rly hard not to laugh by pressing a hand over his mouth + Art is biting his lip, but Eric is very openly cackling bc "u see what happens when u assume???" (he gets a very light slap 2 th shoulder but it's still very gentle)

ANYWAY. favourite snacks!! Adam can eat Way Too Many Sour Patch Kids. sour anything, actually, as long as it's candy. yes his tongue hurts and no he doesn't regret it. Eric just gets goldfish bc he tends 2 get a lil carsick + bc it's a food tht's familiar n comforting, n he doesn't rly want 2 be eating anything Too heavy (he's up front w Art, so he can sit by a window in case he needs some fresh air at any point). Mallick likes m&m's, but he switches fr cheez-its every once in a while bc he can only eat so much chocolate. Art likes those peanut-butter filled pretzel bites! he's also partial 2 animal crackers tho. they also bring a good amount of snacks/things they can b sure th four of them like, bc yeah there's a lil store abt a half hour away frm their campsite + they can go there to pick up things if they need 2, but it's easier 2 bring things they like, too. (there's also a mcdonald's in tht town n. they do go there at LEAST twice.)

th campsite they stay at has a lake + a beach, n one of Art + Adam's fave things 2 do is walk along it to see if they can find anything interesting! Mallick goes sometimes too, but mostly he stays w Eric bc Eric can't do tht fr as long as Adam + Art can (not tht he's resentful of it tho). he n Mallick chill on th beach w a blanket (it's kind of like. not necessarily sandy?) n just kinda sit against/lay on each other n read sometimes. Adam + Art come back 2 where they're set up to find them sleeping n Adam has never been more thankful he thought 2 bring his camera!!

on th second day Art + Mallick want 2 go swimming, so th four of them come back out to th beach, but Adam stays out of th water + Eric stays w him. they both know th water will be cold, even if it's late summer, n Adam rly doesn't like being in cold water ESP if it's over his head/he can't touch th bottom. fr Eric th cold can b kind of painful, so they chill n walk along th beach fr a little bit n just talk. Adam gets some good pictures n even gets some of Eric! he also does take a selfie of them, he can't help it. he gets a couple of Mallick + Art too. it's honestly such a nice thing fr them n it just feels like they can breathe easy, not having 2 worry abt looking over their shoulders constantly (tho they're all getting better abt that).

th third day they spend around th campsite to kind of unwind n relax. they might walk th beach a little bit again, but mostly they just sorta chill n walk some of th trails around the campground itself. when night falls they light a small bonfire (Mallick is still iffy around fire, understandably) n they sit around it in their folding chairs w th cupholders (Adam gets red, Eric has green, Art gets blue, + Mallick gets dark green) n make s'mores. they talk abt anything n everything until they're barely able 2 keep their eyes open, n then after making sure th fire is pretty much out they kinda just stumble into th tent n none of them r awake for very long after (they specifically got one tht cld comfortably hold th four of them).

fourth day!! they pack up n head into another little town about 45 minutes away; it's bigger than th one around th campgrounds. after they get situated in a motel room w two beds, they do some window shopping + going into lil stores that interest them! Adam def buys some niche graphic tees tht aren't going 2 make sense to anyone other than th four of them n he's delighted abt it. I like 2 think Eric gets a worry stone, specifically made out of rose quartz. Mallick too, but his is made of amethyst! he also gets a rly cool multicoloured jacket in a thrift store they duck into. Art gets a hoodie w th town's name on it n he's pretty happy w that. they get a few more lil things, just little knick-knacks while they're there, n then they have dinner in this lil diner they'd walked past earlier bc it's inexpensive + the atmosphere is very lowkey n honestly just Nice. there's not a bunch of ppl, the servers r rly kind n the lights aren't too bright, which Eric rly appreciates. it's such a tender moment bc they're squeezed into a booth, Adam + Mallick on one side n Art + Eric on th other, n they're talking n laughing n stealing bites of each other's food n it's Comfortable.

then they head back to th motel n channel surf while unpacking enough 2 get to their sleep clothes. Adam + Eric r sharing a bed n Art + Mallick r sharing th other one, tho Adam is very tempted 2 just push them together so they're all close by (th distance btwn th beds isn't tht big to begin with, but it's the principle of th thing). mostly tho, until they go to bed, they're pretty much just all stretched out Everywhere. Adam is only discouraged frm jumping across th divide btwn th beds bc Art breaks out his Lawyer Voice, despite trying rly hard not to laugh, to say Yr Going To Hurt Yrself, Don't Do That. he grumbles n whines abt it but Adam knows he's right jdhjks (th way he sees it is like. he can b silly sometimes. he's Earned It, but he also trusts Art + wasn't super serious abt tht idea). eventually tho Eric can hardly keep his eyes open n Mallick is just straight up asleep while he's still sitting up so tht's when they all go to bed after making sure every1 is comfortable. they leave a lamp on.

fifth day they pack everything up again n stop 2 walk th trails of this lil park b4 they head home! there's a lil shop near th parking lot so they spend a lil bit of time looking around in there first. they probably pick up a few lil things, souvenirs, n Adam walks around 2 get some pictures. he gets this rly cool one while they're on a bridge, th sun peeking thru the clouds a lil bit n shining down on th water. he's super excited to develop tht one (but he's excited to develop All of them, bc this is his family!!!) + he n Art discuss whether or not they're gonna need another cork board lol. eventually tho they round back to th parking lot n on th way home, they stop at another lil hole-in-th-wall kind of place, but it's just as nice as the first one they'd been to. after tht Eric switches spots w Art n he drives them home!!

they're all exhausted when they get back but they have room to crash w each other while they nap so tht's what they do. they fall asleep all tangled together, Art stretched out w Eric's head on his chest, Adam curled against Eric's back, n Mallick w his head on Art's stomach. there r arms n legs everywhere n tht is okay. they're happy. they love each other. they had a lot of fun on their trip n they're tired, but they're comfortable!! tht's what it's all abt!!! it's just such a good n relaxing experience fr them after all th shit they've been thru.

[smalltragedy]

* brigette lundy-paine, nonbinary + they/them | you know kirby wormwood, right? they’re twenty five, and they’ve lived in irving for, like, two weeks? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to ring ring by mika like, a million times this year, which makes sense ‘cause they’ve got that whole balancing acts at perilous heights destined to entertain, jack of all trades master of none, refusal to accept the mortal world as it is thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is december 1st, so they’re a sagittarius, which is unsurprising, all things considered. ( james, 21, est, they/them )

hllo welcome 2 my third character i love them a lot theyre a. remake of an older oc of mine so this is fun <3 sdfhk anyways once again i am asking u. pleathe like if u wld like to plot.

ARSON TW

mini playlist.

wizard ;; lucas lex / ring ring ;; mika / crows ;; clues / sunrise sunset ;; bright eyes / la llorona ;; beirut / no children ;; the mountain goats / might be love ;; the pesky snakes / sax in the city ;; let’s eat grandma.

statistics.

full name: kirby wormwood (currently).

nickname(s): magpie.

birthday: december 1st, 1995.

zodiac: sagittarius sun, aries moon, libra ascending.

mbti & temperament: estp & improvisor / sanguine.

label: the hellion.

hometown: abilene, texas.

sexuality: bisexual.

pinterest.

biography.

alright lets get right into it. kirby ws switched at birth. they cld’ve hd a very like. picket fence trampoline in the backyard. 4 columns cos its texas n it feels right. bt instead they were chosen <3 somewhat unintentionally <3 by dorothea n fawley wormwood, two traveling circus workers who emergency stopped in abilene.

n u know what. growing up in st. pierre’s traveling circus ws kinda fkn awesome? like ok. besides the fact tht they were homeschooled fr like evr n there were a sparing amt of children 2 socialize with? it ws p cool idk.

it ws kinda like everybody ws their parent n also not at all bc they were all very casual. bt they grew up learning hw 2 maintain the circus (n also like. normal school thingz bt i dnt think kirby hs ever cared abt school like ever) n whenever they hd a show kirby wld facepaint or handle tickets until they were old enough 2 start learning like. the Real fun things. 

fawley hd a lot of his own weird odd little like superstitions n beliefs n practically raised kirby on them like n they dnt rly <3 make a lot of sense. lots of made up philosophy. very much like. nothing defines u. u cn b anything or anyone. n kirby ws like ok cool. n then developed a god complex.

names didnt rly stick 2 kirby when they were a kid like. nothing satisfied them or felt worthy fr them or simply they just. got tired of a name. this isnt related 2 them being nonbinary BUT it did help ease some of the. pressure of exploring gender identity. theyve only hd one name tht stuck genuinely n tht ws magpie n. thts bc everybody hd their own bird name n it felt very. like community. like a role. usually the names they used during performances bt. anyways KFHDSGLKKHL

theyre Kirby bt answers 2 most. neutral nouns.

honestly. they were also a rascal as a youth. ws like. oh. i learned sleight of hand? cool. time 2 pick pockets. wld throw popcorn into the hair of other kids n b like. omggg what was that ... became a mime fr a year. it ws a rigorous training.

now a master of charades. bt anyways. they traveled pretty much weekly, maybe bimonthly n sometimes just pure monthly. there wsn’t an off season fr them, when the colder months came they’d travel south and when summer rolled in they’d go right back up again. it ws easy to switch personas almost daily n just. never reveal ur true self. totally not saying tht’s what kirby did bt thts what they did. it nvr made them lose sight of themselves it ws more like. acting. tricking ppl fr fun. 

anyways all good things come 2 an end and when kirby ws like. 18. they were like hey ur old enough that we cn trust u with fire. we think. n they started 2 learn fire-throwing n like. they were ok at it bt lessons were painfully slow n kirby ws like. i wld b so good at this if i cld do it all the time. n it ws like. hey kirby, chill. u already know a lot of things.

arson tw // u see where this is going. tents are kind of flammable. kirby ws unsupervised. bad decisions all around. circus is aflame. all the animals n all the circus workers got out fine bt like. st. pierre’s ws efficiently out of business. arson end of tw //

n kirby fkn booked it they just. ran. pure fear. nvr looked back which is like super traitorous of them 2 do bt. sometimes they meet up in secret like. sunglasses n all at a coffee shop. not all of them just like. fawley or someone else. theyre like. ur family u cld burn down a thousand circuses n we’d still love u. n kirby is like yeah i know bt i’ve rly committed to the bit now. n they dnt reunite.

anyways. since then kirby hs just been. a traveler. nvr rly staying anywhere fr super long n driving around in their shitty little van tht’d been used as housing back at st. pierre’s.

they’re in irving n theyve been there fr almost. suspiciously long. compared 2 their average stays. when asked abt what they do or why theyre there theyll just. give a vague answer or spin a long tale tht usually involves a burning circus.

theyre staying at uh. abernathy creek rn bc of course they r they fit in so naturally. welcomed with wide arms. might b soul searching rn might b on the hunt fr their birth parents might b just vibing ... whose to say ..

personality & facts.

has a Big personality tht attracts others fr better or fr worse. either super likeable or the most despicable person on the earth. no in betweens. n honestly tht is a talent in itself

has no off button is constantly. spinning tales or performing a dance or getting kicked out of bars fr whatever nonsense reason. 

honestly they prob think tht nothing bad cn ever happen to them even tho like. bad has literally happened 2 them before? love the optimism here. KLFGDLKFSDHGF

acts a bit like u’ve known them fr ur entire life they r oddly warm in tht way bt they themself r so distant tht its like. oh nice ok ...

both honest n yet dishonest like. yes they will hustle u out of ur money bt they will also tell u their opinion straight up. 

probably smart bt they r just like. prime thembo? flowy pirate shirts n cropped tshirts n pants tht r never tight. dresses like they do still work n live at a circus. 

likes 2 instigate things between others n then stand back n just watch it happen while taking like zero accountability. loves a good small town drama. avid milf hunter.

does not hv any faith in the american healthcare system at all n will straight up refuse 2 go 2 a hospital if they get hurt theyre like. i cn do it myself im like practically a professional. they r not a professional. 

bt does hv like. a thing abt apples. fkn loves them. 

uuuhhh cn play instruments bt all very badly. only knows one (1) song tht isnt made up n its wonderwall by oasis. they play it at parties. they expect fr tomatoes to b thrown at them at any given time.

very nimble. agile. granted its frm. learning circus tricks frm a baby age bt they hv impeccable balance n cn sneak up behind anyone without a single noise. uses this 2 their advantage in order 2 scare ppl. chaotic neutral.

loves having the attention on them i wont fk around here. will go to drastic measures to accomplish receiving it. my other muses r capable of taking things srsly bt kirby just. is not. they do not take a single thing srsly they barely even took. st. pierre’s destruction srsly n they caused it. maybe.

likes being able to just. be unknown so the amt tht ppl know abt them is actually very. little. i dnt think they even tell others their last name. sometimes not even their first. just hs so many aliases n nicknames. i know i didnt list any bt thts simply bc Any cld.

probably acts out to compensate fr the. underlying guilt they hv bt thts okay. i mean it isnt bt.

will probably show up if u call them fr help bt they lose interest in people p quickly n r always moving onto the next shiniest person. bt when they do they give them like. all their attention. if u wrong them in this period they will just. ignore it. bt when theyre bored then its like. u werent even friends at all? very odd.

perhaps it is commitment issues bt <3 ya. thts them. they do not claim favorite colors or movies or. most interests. probably bc theyre very very disconnected frm pop culture i think they learn everything thru twitter n google.

i wld not call them a good person bt i also dnt think theyre like evil horrible nasty awful they just. think abt themself a lot more than they think abt others n also refuses to face consequences ever and also .. anyways.

wanted plots.

part of the bird’s nest ;; honorary bird honorary circus member. u hv to be very well regarded by kirby to earn a bird name bt i feel like tht doesnt feel like a lot considering theyve only been here fr like. two weeks KDGDSHKGK. the catch is tht u cn only refer 2 them as magpie frm then forward. 

hand in unlovable hand ;; theres comfort in being terrible ppl together n it may not last bt it doesnt hv to anyways. its just them n the like. vibes. n knowing tht its smth thts nvr gna b long term. cld b anything ur character just hs to be also a little evil. KHDSGFDS

one jester ... wht abt ... TWO jesters .. ;; hoo boy. ooh man. unstoppable force and immovable object combine forces n just become. the worst of the worst. ultimate jokesters. epic pranksters. absolute clowns. chaotic energy unmatched. always nonsense. 

n also ;; ppl they’ve stolen frm, ppl who hv caught them in that act, ppl who’ve maybe seen them in the circus a very long time ago, Found Family Trope, real family shenanigans, kirby just asking everybody if theyre their dad., mortal enemies if they see each other its an instant duel 2 the death, etc.

[zombieratt]

Alright so forewarning this is LONG as FUCK specifically because i came up with this idea in early high school and was just today POSESSEd By the Spirit Of Musical Theatre to put it to paper— er Tumblr.

So without further ado:

DEAR EVAN HANSEN BUT EVAN ISNT A TERRIBLE PERSON AND CONNOR LIVES.

the beginning is the same, canon diverges just after waving through a window.

*this ended up getting written is script format? i also just sorta ignore alana’s whole exsistance bc in this version of the play she’s unnecessary*

In the moments before he talks to Connor evan decides to omit Zoe from his letter, having resolved himself to move on from her. (instead of being a hella creep.)

Connor: “dear Evan Hansen,” what are you writing letters to yourself? *he laughs*

Evan: its, uh, its for my therapist. its just a stupid little assignment that she says is supposed to help me process my feelings or— uh or something

Connor: hm. here. * hands Evan the letter*

Connor: your cast. no one’s signed it.

Evan: uh no. no one has.

Connor: gotta sharpie?

Evan: huh?

Connor: gotta sharpie? im gonna sign it.

Evan: *handing the sharpie to Connor* w- whuh uh why?

Connor: *shrugs* feels right.

Evan: i wish i could do that

Connor: what?

Evan: UH, IMEAN—

Connor: no wait- dude.

Evan: i mean uh, i meant that i wish i could just be, y’know impulsive like that.

Connor: Why Cant you be?

Evan: i uh, my heads pretty messed up, and stuff like that just, makes it worse i guess.

Connor: well theres some thing we have in common— were both fucked up in the head.

*the bell rings*

Evan: oh shoot! i missed the bus—

Connor: i’ll give you a ride.

Evan: are you sure i mean i can walk its not far-

Connor: all the more reason, i probably have to pass it on my way home anyway, cmon.

——

they meet Zoe in the parking lot

Zoe: I have Late practice today

Connor: whatever, gotta passenger.

Zoe: who the fuck would be crazy enough to trust your ability to drive?

Evan *being Brave*: Me Apparently?

Zoe: Uh, Evan Right?

Evan: yeah, uh, yeah.

Zoe *holding her hand out to be shaken*: i’m Zoe, we’ve met though right?

Evan wipes his hand on his shirt and shakes it: yeah, uh, nice to formally meet you, Zoe.

Zoe: i’m off, don’t kill him stoner.

Connor: i wont Princess

Evan breathing heavy: that was,, an eventful ten minutes.

Connor: oh fuck— you cool? or—

Evan: Panic Attack.

Connor: Right, uh

Connor: can you get in the car?

Evan: yeah

*car nonsense*

Connor: Can i start driving or do you want me to wait

Evan: Distractions are good,, Can Uh, Can you Talk about Stuff?

Connor: What stuff!??

Evan: any Stuff!

Connor: Is Zoe okay??

Evan: Sure?!

Connor: Uhh we don’t get along as well as we used to?

we were really close as kids, shes a huge asshole now but *fully venting now*

i kind of miss it you know? having someone to talk to and care about— and i still care about her— but its scary and i always fuck it up! not to mention the fact that our parents hate me— make her see me as some alien and not just a fucked up kid who wants to talk and — (more ranting that i dont feel like writing, but its a whole monologue bro)

Evan: Connor

Connor snaps his mouf shut: yeah

Evan: thanks

Connor: oh that, uh actually helped?

Evan: yeah focusing on your voice and whats real and stuff— it makes a difference.

Neither of them noticed that Connor was just sort of Driving. they end up at the park where in canon Connor commits Sewer-slide.

Evan: i didn’t know there was a park here.

Connor: huh, oh, yeah i guess i just sorta auto piloted, i come here to think.

Evan: About stuff?

Connor: Yeah, Stuff.

*the convo lulls*

Connor: do you have a laptop?

Evan: no, i uh, i left it at home? why?

Connor: give me a second

Connor walks to the car and grabs his back pack out of the back seat

Evan watches Quizzically from the swing-set

Connor pulls out a Sketch Pad and Pen, flipping to a clean page.

Connor: So tell me how to write one of those letters of yours.

Evan: uh, well you start like any other letter- just addressing it to yourself

Connor writing: Dear Connor Murphy,

Evan: and uh, my first one was supposed to be about my ideal summer vacation? since i started in middle school- but you don’t have to—

Connor: thats perfect.

Connor starts to sing for forever,

eventually Evan joins in there is a minor gay moment where they’re holding hands face to face.

the song ends with Connor hugging Evan.

Evan: its- its pretty late.

Connor obviously crying: just— just a couple more minutes.

Evan lets go and grabs Connors sketch book of the ground, closing it and handing it off to him: then how about this, labor day weekend- we actually go.

Connor: what are you talking about?

Evan: being spontaneous?

Connor: o-okay.

and it cuts to black.

theres a small montage here, as the set changes to Connor and Evans bedrooms

sincerely, me is a lament in this context, Connor and Evan are duetting from their respective rooms, writing to themselves.

(the lyrics are completely different and i will not be writing them here because thats too much fucking effort.

but they’re duetting from their bedrooms about making a connection to another person, feeling seen, for the first time. what it felt like and how they really want to keep it up but are afraid of making a mistake and ruining it.

its got some themes of waving thru a window, and a little bit of for forever, but its still largely the same notes just in a different key.)

after wards, Zoe knocks on Connors door to tell him dinner is ready to find him peacefully asleep.

requiem is the same, Zoe sees Connor as Dead to Her instead of actually dead, so some of the wording changes, so and so about how a monster doesn’t deserve peaceful rest etcetera.

school day happens, Connor doesn’t die, but the hot goss is that everyone saw Connor and Evan go home together after school, jared makes a shitty homophobic joke to Evan and Evan kind of tells him off about it. they argue and it culminates in Evan saying “well god forbid I’m friends with someone who isn’t YOU!” or smth like tht and it hits jared right the fuck at home man.

Connor says from the side lines: damn that was pretty hard core dude.

Evan: you have, no idea how long i’ve wanted to do that.

Connor honest to god l a u g h s, theres a number of people who hear it and lose their shit, Zoe being one of them: i have a pretty good idea, wanna get some lunch?

Evan: yeah, sure.

this general routine continues until labor day weekend, when they plan to go on their little escape. theres a short scene of Connor leaving the house with his keys and a backpack.

Connors mom confronts Zoe about his oddly upbeat attitude and hows he’s seemed differently lately Zoe Shrugs but decides to investigate his room.

she finds the letters. the first one is for forever, the theme plays as she reads it frantically, and is signed “Sincerely me (connor murphy)” so she knows its him, i f i could tell her begins but its a real duet between Connor and Zoe and at the end she resolves to try harder to connect to him.

Evan sings disappear to Connor after breaking into a formerly public park, in this context its him confessing that he broke his arm attempting su!c!de. Connor records it, for personal reference.

jared hacks Connors phone and steals the video, posting it to yt, in an effort to ruin their friendship.

Evan and Connor get in a little fight about it, and in the meantime Evan is called to the school to give an assembly because hes a phenomenal speaker and Disappear got like 1000000 views over night.

Zoe and Connor bond a little bit in a short scene before the assembly

Zoe: wheres Evan what happened?

Connor: Kleinman Did!

Zoe: what?

Connor: Why Do you care?

Zoe: because! you look happy around him!

Connor: i, i do?

Zoe: yeah? he could tell the worst joke ever written and you’d crack up. i haven’t heard you laugh like that in years Connor, maybe ever.

Connor: oh.

Zoe: Come back inside?

Connor: y, Yeah.

they all perform You Will Be Found together.

end act 1.

(no more dialogue from here i got tired)

to break in a glove is Connor’s dad trying to reconnect with him, it goes mediocrely, but Connor feels like hes being seen by his dad for the first time in years. its said in metaphors, but this is Connors dads way of saying that if Connor is willing to put in the work, so is he. they hug at the end, things are looking up. some talk of therapy is sprinkiled in the dialogue as they walk of stage together.

Only Us is Evan and Connor saying that they saved each other. its loosely romantic, as its a love song, but they don’t out right say that they’re in love or anything, they don’t know if theyre ready for that. its a promise. the song ends with Connor finally apologizing for pushing Evan over at the beginning of the show.

good for you is sung by jared only, as a power ballad, about losing people you didn’t treasure. its his attempt at an apology, but it ultimately fails, since jared is unable to take responsibility for his own actions. this is where jared and Evan go their separate ways.

Evan’s mom comforts him, as he sings words fail, which is about specifically jared, and how their rocky friendship is ruined and Evan pegs himself as the cause, instead of parents or perfect girl he uses metaphors that apply to best friends— maybe more. and talks about how he didn’t try, he was happy so he ignored that jared was hurting, and how that was really shitty of him. but instead of it being a generally somber song the end is lighter, because Connor is there— waving through his front window.

Evans mom sings So Big/So Small as Evan steps out the front door to embrace Connor and they mime talking about jared, hug and take hands. the house moves off stage in preparation for the finale.

Connor and Evan open the finale saying each others names, and sing it together as the test of the cast (minus jared) joins in, Evans mom taking his hand and Zoe Taking Connors, Evans mom the Murphys and Zoe break off to the back where Evan and Connor finish the final “all i see is sky for forever” while looking into each others eyes, and finish the musical by embracing (maybe kissing if thats ur jam).

[blurays]

.

i feel like i need to remember ppl have it worse than me and make it through

because i know people think im self centered and think my own problems are the only ones which like i dont think that but if it comes off that way its the same effect

but its like every Little bad thing feels like the end of the world im not one of those grateful terminally ill people who enjoy every little thing now i think when ur already horribly depressed its instead just. every good thing actually makes you sad too and every bad thing makes you feel cursed

idk if i over think or barely think abt things

and in regards to how bad i have it

again im like oh i whine so much people make it thru worse

but sometimes i barely think abt how bad ive had it

like as in the pandemic has been weird for me hearing people complaining about not having close contact for (under a) year and im like well. the last time i had a friend in real life i was. twelve

and if u count a friend i talked to outside of school think it drops down to like eleven and im 22 now and my parents have ranged from neglectful narcissistic to gaslighting to just. maybe they love me but they dont say it i dont feel it idk we're more roommates than anything else i think. and its hard to feel like im being honest that they’re bad because i used to think i had to lie for pity but i mean i havent been to school since i was 12, so...

like its ✨embarrassing✨ but im so incredibly lonely i have been for a really really really long time its why when i have a gf or whatever theyre the only thing i care abt which everyone including them understandably is like shut the fuck up but rlly im at the point where a mutual randomly dms me hoping im ok and i burst into tears because people are nice (here usually) but i feel like its just cause they feel bad for me and i dont even believe that anyone thinks abt me if im not talking which is probably why i feel like im suffocating if i cant tweet or say smth whatever 3x to the same ppl like ik ppl think i love attention because im a cunt or a leo or whatever but i rly think im just trying to like not die of loneliness its not even just the like lack of rl friends for uhm ten plus years its like i dont even go anywhere except the doctor or the store or whatever the people who ive occasionally seen like when i helped with scouts one time the woman said i know you hate hugs but i want to and i was like what and realized i just. dont even know how to react to physical contact cause again i mean christ i didnt know being touch starved was an actual like Thing beyond me being sad about it i guess but yeah i really only get touched at the doctor or if i ask for help when surgery leaves me particularly disabled which is ✨painful and humiliating✨ i think when my mom massaged my back a couple times after hospital beds had me like super fucked up tensed was like . the nicest thing ive experienced in . well yeah 11 years and its not like i can remember before that ive just never been physically close w someone and thats not even Normal and im not going to be Loved any time soon like i cant even work still i just dont interact w anyone making friends irl sounds horrifying and impossible idk how to act w people after this long and tht feels supported by ppl lately

and thats just loneliness if uve ever read like one post from me u know the. illness thoughts

im tired its weird because i dont think i couldve imagined ever being 22 when i was 12 i think i was really planning to die before that but i didnt and now i might not ever be 25 or 30 and i dont know i think that makes me really sad but i think if they told me it was happening i might be just. a little relieved because im so tired i wish i didnt have to choose to die like cause id Rather be loved touched happy but that doesnt feel realistic ever and im tired of this i think id just rather it be over lol

sorry if u read all this and thanks .

[baekhvuns]

BESTIE

THAT MAN HAD A GF ALL THIS TIME.

😭

I mean he was never mine to begin with, and it was obvious he'd HAVE a gf with THAT face but ong I felt like I got cheated on Bcz we made eye contact for like 0.00001 secs tht one time 😩😩

I wasn't even able to go at my job Bcz I was sick my co workers told me that he had a gf, who was apparently at the restaurant and he made it so obvious that it was his gf. Which is a top trait for a man. BUT I COULDN'T SEE HIS GF 😭😭😭 I WANTED TO AT LEAST SEE THE FACE OF THE LUCKY WOMAN

Anyways....about my life, i got sick somehow, and got a cold but now I'm getting better AND MY PHONE FELL INTO MY BATHTUB 😭 SEE THIS IS WHY I WANTED TO BUY A BLUETOOTH SPEAKER!! it was so unfortunate, Bcz I was in the bathtub, scrolling thru my phn finding the perfect song and MY Clumsy MY CLUMSY HANDSSS 😭 anyways, its still working but the screen... is now discolored??

Enough of me ranting abt my life. How are you? The blog has been so quiet lately, like WHERE IS DV ANON?? WHERE IS JAEHUNNY ANON?? WHERE IS NOTHINGJUSTME ANON?? WHERE IS CHILDHOOD! BESTFRIENDHWA ANON?? Guys come back...life is so...lonely 🥺 (i hate this emoji)

Speaking of childhoodbestfriend!hwa anon, i literally made a story inspired by your username 😔 so i hope you don't sue me. I was sick i had nothing to do so I just posted the story, it's a part 1, idk man I hope people will like it.

I see you like angst YOU LIKE LOTS OF ANGST AND UGLY FIGHTS AFTER WHICH THE COUPLE LIVES HAPPILY EVER AFTER!! Me too. But I feel like daytime star is a comfort manhwa, like they went thru hurdles..they did but not in their relationship but more like, they went thru it together. Like....it wasn't anything between them ..bt them against the world thing?

Speaking of the whole fight THATS HOW YOU COME UP WITH THE FORMULA OF YOUR STORIES RIGHT? damn no wonder I'm in love with them..

Bt look i found a few fics that perfectly explain d&tg, change the Hongjoong to yn in the first one AND THE SECOND ONE!!! 🤚😭 PERSON B IS SO GENERAL!YN ..is the how you spell it-

THIS LAST ONE 😭😭😭 IM GETTING FLASHBACKS TO THE FIGHT HWA AGREED TO SO CONFIDENTALLY AND THEN GOT BEATEN UP!

Omg yes the baby against his tiddies 🤧🤧🤧 they're so cute, and the baby is so cute and everything is so cute. Whenever I read it, it feels like I'm melting. And it feels so satisfying to see haebom (the black haired dude) who is so intimidating get all soft cuz of a baby AND HER FATHER 😭

NO NO YOURE RIGHT THE GOLDEN RETRIEVER AND THE BLACK CAT DYNAMIC IS THE BEST! I read another bl...pls I'm getting addicted to them...and it's actually good, AND ITS TBE SAME DYNAMIC!!! Person A (complete black cat persona, depressed with anxiety and a rich kid, [guess where the depression came frm?] ) and Person B (literal human sunshine, even his hair are blonde, a tired working man who gv up on his dreams)

And then they unite....god, it was the healthiest thing I read probably.

WOOYOUNG'S OREO HAIR ARE BACKKKKK! I cannot....express my joy ENOUGH! AND WE GOT PONYTAIL SEONGHWA 😭😭😭😭 when I tell you I waited so much since the Deja vu era LIKE FINALLY MAN YOU BETTER KEEP THE SCISSORS FAR AWAY!

Girl u gotta tell me where should I read secretary's escape BCZ I READ AT AN ILLEGAL WEBSITE AND IT WONT SHOW ME IT 😭😭😭😭 I WANNA READ IT SHOULD I DOWNLOAD WEBTOON OR SOMETHING??

STOP.

NO FUCKING WAY.

he brought his gf the day u weren’t at work 😭😭 crying this is like when u miss a day at school and rihanna performed in the cafeteria like CRYING GRKWHDKW ANON WHYDKWHDKW it’s time to come back to ur roots <3

i hope you’re better now- what the fuck 😭😭 WHY DO U HAVE UR PHONE IN THE BATHTUB WHAT HAPPENED TO KEEPING IT AT THE COUNTER ????? did u at least put it in rice pls jfbwkfhsk and did u find the right song

i am good! i was also sick with a scratchy throat recently, uni’s back on 😀 blogs been quiet i know 😭😭😭 NO BC WHERE ARE THEY IVE BEEN WONDERING WHAT HAPPENED TO THE HAGWON ANON PLS HOWS SK ARE U BACK??? ARE U OKAY??? DV ANON IS THE JOB TAKING UR TIME HOWS UR CATS JAEHYUNNY DID U SEE THE LAST RACE, NOTHINGJUSTME HOW WAS UR DAY DID U WATCH ANYTHING CHILDHOODBESTFRIEND HOW IS THE DRAFT GOING FBWMDHWK wow i am so attached <3

omg u posted … 🤲🏻

I DO I RLY DOO I LIKE THE DRAMA MAYBE THATS WHY I FOUND IT A LIL NOT MY TYPE FHKWFB damn how did u know that’s my formula

CRYING THAT IS EXACTLY GENERAL!Y/N AND HWA FBWNDHAKHDKA IT WAS SO FUN WRITING THEIR BANTER a quiet unbothered person vs the hectic egotistic duke sigh, what a pairing i miss them ngl i miss the mr and mrs park one too what good times they were omg do u know the song im yours by isabel larosa i wrote half of my etl’s based on it

STOP I LOVE THAT THE INTIMIDATING ONE GETTING SOFT FOR KIDS CRYING

EXACTLY!!’!!! PEAK ENTERTAINMENT IS GOLDEN RETRIEVER AND THE BLACK CAT OH HOW I WISH EVERYONE HAD SOMEONE LIKE THAT RHLWHDWK MANIFESTING 😭😭

healthiest thing u read 😭😭😭😭

NOT ONLY OREO BUT A FULL ASS MULLET???? JESUS CHRIST AND *** ?????

KEEP !!!! THE !!!! SCISSORS AWAY !!!!

PLS DOWNLOAD WEBTOON THATS THE ONLY PLACE I READ SECRETARYS ESCAPE ON I WAIT FOR THIS ONE PATIENTLY and he’s just so,, imagine a ceo hwa like that like.

[moonlightcookie]

ok heres the big seamoon angst comic story idea. wanted to post this b4 i forgot abt it FCGVBHJN

TRANSCRIPT:

i got the absolute Biggest Brain idea 4 a comic/animation while at work [8:35 AM] for backstory: instead of actually residing IN the city of wizards, moonlight has like. a base/safehaven on the moon where she watches over the CoW. bc safety reasons i guess LOL [8:35 AM] where shes at, she can also see the ocean [8:37 AM] she sees the TOFW, and hopes that sf will actually be able to reach her this time b4 being frozen [8:38 AM] but she feels like she cant actually go down and just see sf herself, bc shes got this super important duty/oath she must attend to, right [8:38 AM] so theyve never actually met at this point, just longing from afar [8:39 AM] ok so one day moonlights just doin her shit.....and happens 2 look over at the ocean and notices the TOFW is gone, and a large darkness in its place [8:40 AM] so obv shes worried like "did she get frozen again?" and so she decides yknow what Fuck staying here im gonna check it out [8:42 AM] eventually she gets JUST close enough to see sf in the depths of the ocean, in her dread trident form, jus. sitting there on her throne [8:42 AM] moonlight gets fucjing Pissed [8:43 AM] shes feeling hurt and angry (mostly hurt) that sf has apparently chosen to just. Give Up [8:43 AM] this hurt is what causes her to become crescent moon [8:44 AM] so she leaves and goes back 2 the moon, mad as hell for a few weeks [8:45 AM] eventually fire spirit shows up n is like. Bro we cant just sit here and let her like. destroy herself [8:45 AM] n moonlight has had time 2 cool down n so shes like. ya ur right. im tired of being angry [8:48 AM] so she decides to enlist the help of wizard, alchemist, and avocado (hoping that since shes a blacksmith, she'd be able 2 build/make other things too) to create like. a pathway leading 2 a portal where sf can just go thru to actually get to the moon [8:48 AM] n so theyre like Hell Ya!! [8:49 AM] they (avocado, alchemist,  n wizard) start building this pathway in the ocean.....stairs leading to a platform with the portal that moonlight n wizard made(edited) [8:55 AM] and when its finished, they meet up w peppermint n sorbet shark to go see sf [8:56 AM] n shes pretty easy 2 find since they built it like. right in front of her throne LOL [8:58 AM]

[8:58 AM] like this but still far enough away where she cant really see it, just faint lights she doesnt bother 2 check out [9:01 AM] SO. they tell sf abt the pathway n shes like No it wont work, it's useless, i'll just get my hopes up again, etc [9:02 AM] then they all notice a bright light way up, in the distance, where the portal is [9:02 AM] its moonlight (full moon form), just standing at the top of the platform(edited) [9:03 AM] then she slowly starts descending the stairs, afraid that sf might not even want to see her anymore [9:04 AM] as she's going down, sf gets up from her throne, slowly walking towards the stairs [9:06 AM] about maybe like. 1/3 of the way, moonlight starts running down the stairs [9:06 AM] sf's also now Running towards n up the stairs(edited) [9:08 AM] they meet like halfway on the stairs [9:09 AM] and theyre embracing each other tightly n both crying like super hard   and moonlights like sorry i never did this for you b4, ive been watching you this whole time [9:09 AM] and sf's like no its not ur fault, im the one who let go.........n basically theyre apologizing n comforting each other [9:11 AM] then they descend the stairs together and thank everyone 4 helping save sf and all tht sappy shit [9:12 AM] then moonlights like Hey i noticed this pretty coral reef n it looked p warm, u wanna visit it with me [9:12 AM] and sf's like hell ya [9:14 AM] eventually while spending time at the warm n bright reef together, sf's form starts 2 morph into luminous coral [9:14 AM] and basically her hope and happiness is returned

[vialacteas]

abt life

i was jst throwing the garbage outta the apartment and its been like this - sometimes i do mundane tasks n im jst overcome w this feeling that wow i am actually alive like. im having to do this bc im alive and rn im not planning to go anywhere else

looking back i feel like i went thru so much to get THIS,. the very experience of normalcy sold on tv whn they want to depict an average human being, which i never thought was a real thing

dont get me wrong. not everything is perfect. i still have problems & cannot feel entirely at peace knowing that this world is crumbling and has been crumbling for centuries - but im not on Survive mode anymore. im living

and its not me getting a consolation prize. because when i was miserable, i also would congratulate myself for not giving up another day. it was jst obviously not enough and i had goals and i just didnt wnt Not Dying to be my main priority u know

so im good. its possible to be good. i had plenty of lucky and very good friends but im also proud of myself for working hard to make good things happen- i always feel like i hit th jackpot

17y old me would be thrilled to know that ive finally left home and dont need to be around my family anymore nor depend on them. i actually live with my close friends and i get to laugh a lot. she wld be thrilled to know im interning for the type of company i always wanted to work for and which gives me freedom to eat well, go to therapy and live comfortably. she wld be amazed to know that im not scared of ppl the way i was, and tht even tho something challenges me, i dont give up on it

i had absolutely no perspective n now im thinking im gonna b very Ok. but i think the best part of it is tht i have to thank myself for a good part of these accomplishments. its tiring as hell and stressful. but its so worth it :)