#and now i have the opprotunity to actually b a doer
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life is just sucks recently
#renee rambles in the tags#bro#i wanna like be spontaneous and adventurous again and i feel like i cant do tht bc i feel guilty abt zack#i shld talk to him ig#but i dont wanna b so selfish yknow#i just feel so guilty but also like im missing out#and i hate both feelings i wish there was smth to do#im so sad abt having to miss this show#it make me feel so awful bc i feel like i keep losing out like i keep wanting to have fun but i can never actually go thru with it#and im tired of tht i want to go thru with things im tired of just talking abt maybes#and now i have the opprotunity to actually b a doer#and like i just feel too guilty abt my relationship with zack and i dont want to hurt him#which makes me not want ti be a doer#but that also makes me feel a little bitter and points to a larger trend in our relationship that i always seems to fall into#i have such a hard time finding ppl that like keep pace with my sense and honestly even need for adventure#and like obvs is smth that comes and goes and i have to learn to balance it but like idk#i just feel like#idk like everyone is always trying to tamp down on my impulsiveness so much tht like#i just feel kinda stifled?#and like idk its valid bc like im choosing to stay in tjis relationship and like see it thru to his coming home#but i think things have just shifted around a lot in my head#idk#im so tangled up between these two and i never meant to be#i just feel like my world is kinda small#and i love finding ppl who can help me expand and explore it#but like how to do all tht without hurting the ppl in already committed to#its just so strange
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