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icecreamkink · 4 years ago

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so i watched cobra kai all in two days and i have so many -

this show has so many cool and smart angles to it, but the same time.... its so stupid oh my god everyone is so dumb literally mr miyagi held all of the braincells in this whole universe

like i am but at the same time i am not surprised it was made like this, bc in hindsight of course there were hordes of ppl simping over johnny lawrence .... but it still amuses me that this is like... an Actual Official Thing

ok this will get long so cut it is

how much fun this cast has is super visible and i love it

i rly enjoy how the world was expanded ! i did grow up watching the karate kid movies, so watching how they progressed the world of the movies so organically was pretty cool. it rly feels like its the same universe

i fucking LOVE stories that are largely about a Thing. dancing ,skating, sports its just so thrilling to experience this all consuming relationship people can have with this type of activity? and martial arts are just that much more intense, so yeah, grown ass men kicking each other around at the lightest provocation and a war veteran caring so much abt teen karate is Ridiculous.... but i love it all because thats the intensity i find so thrilling

was kinda surprised with how much im missing mr. miyagi. first because, like everyone is so unhinged jesus christo, it just really throws into relief how much his character grounded the narrative of the movies. but also hes just a really great character

and on that note it rly Gets Me that the show itself aknowledges that and plays that into daniels angst and all the little ways they sorta weave myiagisms into the whole show........ im not getting emotional over this dumb karate dads show OK

related - i really miss hearing ‘daniel-san’ 🥺🥺

ACE DEGENERATE oh god oh no

they really went down the down and out johnny lawrence route huh. like i was always kinda bummed we see kreese choking him and then we never see him again in the movies, and while i love dumpster fire problematic trash himbo ck johnny, its like......................... actually really sad that his life turned out like this fjngn

everytime i hear ‘babes’ and ‘pussy’ i die a little inside. i know thats the point but i am a v cringe easy person, have mercy (ehe)

loved the way they are constantly drawing parallels between johnny and mr. myiagi of all people. hes the handy man of his building that has a bullied kid asking for help and eventually steps up to teach them karate, beats up a bunch of bullies for him, creates a friendship with said kid, estranged from family, drinks his sorrows away, surprisingly one of the least quick to anger characters (which says more about everyone else really but.... Well.), no schemes or ulterior motives hes just tryna vibe here.... oh and ofc magically heals miguel of is asthma apparently. the true disciple.. meanwhile daniel is his usual messy petty self even tho he wants to be mr myiagi so bad

also interesting about that is how miguels character is a parallel of both johnny and daniel at the same time

overall the parallels in ck are done really well, drawing comparisons and also subverting them constantly. theyre well thought out

THE PARALELOGRAMS

fr tho, the angle being explicitly the cycle of trauma and its effects and how trumatized adults in turn traumatize kids, maliciously or not, is so interesting

but! on the flip side of that, it feels like the writers are getting in their own way @ letting the characters grow. especially this last season. theres only so many times you can do "johnny and daniel are getting along but 5mins later they are (literally) fighting over some dumbass random issue" or "johnny puts in 20% of effort with robby and then gives up" before it gets on your nerves yknow?

i see daniel no longer talks like macchio ingested 15 shots of espresso before every take and idk how to feel about that tbh

interesting tension in daniel, as in, in tkk mr miyagi was there and daniel was frankly, kind of a lil shit, this messy petty spitfire hot tempered sassy kid,(johnny lawrence voice: just... stop being so annoying) but now hes the adult, and he wants to be mr. miyagi... but hes just not, and never will be to his very core and it shakes him and in a way hes trying to find who he is now that he sees himself in a position to be a not! cobra kai figure. i kinda really like that

plus how that relates to his cobra kai trauma. idk if the writers thought abt it Like That, i think so, but in any case, its interesting bc it seems like daniel has told everyone whod listen about johnny lawrence his Pretty Boy Karate Rival and high school and 84 cobra kai... But. no one seems to know what went on in 85 (or 86? idk) which was just so much worse

like ye og cobras were shitheads, but tkk iii is just two hours of daniel being emotionally and physically tortured.

like, the third movie is.............chaotic, to put it nicely, and many people ignore it, but the writers clearly didnt. daniels actions are, in a way, responding so much more to the events of tkk iii than to the first movie ie. johnny himself, AND. daniel doesnt rly seem to have dealt with that trauma? he never told sam? doesnt feel like hes ever told amanda? he doesnt even say terrys name out loud? freaks Out over kreese ? the way he reacts to robbys deceit? his FACE when he walks past the new "fear does not exist in this dojo" paint or kreeses photo? hmMm i sense Pain

his fashion tho........... disappointing. where are the flower shirts daniel huh we had one (1) shirt what a tragedy STOP WEARING SUITS ALL THE TIME . also the band ts/grunge bi are a look for johnny but part of me longs for the preppy lovable 80s bully chic johnny lawrence getups

weird that they never used that last moment of karate kid where johnny kinda... snaps out of his anger and hands daniel the trophy almost in tears. like “youre alright larusso, good match” “thanks a lot” that being their last direct interection seems like itd be perfect fruit for cobra kai but... they just dont. weird.

especially when, the FIRST SCENE they see each other, suposedly in 30+ years, the first thing to come out of daniels mouth is QUOTE "u still got those golden locks huh?" WHO SAYS SHIT LIKE THAT DANIEL FUCKING SAN

also amandas immediate reaction "your pretty boy rival?" like. can we talk about the fact that daniel had to have imparted to his wife the very important information that his high school bully/karate rival was like Really Cute and Fucking Hot Actually

the writers Knew exactly what they were doing and honestly.............. power to them

tkk director voice: and billy was just so cute

also I was thinking that daniel sounded strangely fond in that first scene, and i wonder if he developed a weird affection for johnny on the grounds that of all of his Karate Rivals johnny was actually the only one who didn’t actively tried to literally kill him

i was actually delightedly surprised with how great the chemistry between them is, like from the get go i am Invested. their rl friendship totally bleeds through and its fantastic

. granted, idiots enemies to lovers friends is my Thing so i am biased

johnny lawrence: i am down in the dumps, i fucked up my whole life and my sons probably, largely in light of the trauma that the father figure sensei and the philosophy of my karate inflicted on me and all my friends. u know what i should do, as a traumatized, unreliable mess of an adult? teach that same philosophy to some other kids! what could go wrong!

but really i enjoy the setup of it. i kinda like that i watched it late because, season 1 was johnny setting himself up for failure in a way and it was exciting to watch it all go to shit sjfn

Like. his heart might be in the right place, but theres just.... not a way to teach something like ‘strike hard, no mercy’ and not have it fuck up a kid

case and point: aisha, miguel and hawk become annoying as all hell over that bullshit in the end of s1, even before shit gets truly fucked up

billys subtle panicked eyes when he sees hawk and miguel fighting dirty in the all valley was SO GOOD especially in parallel with the panic that is so visible in his face in the movie when kreese tells bobby to injure daniel and in the sweep the leg scene

seen people question wether kreese should have returned and i absolutely think he needed to. johnny needed to realize that cobra kais fundamentals are flawed, at the root, beyond kreese himself being a toxic piece of shit

also who are we kidding? we are here to see the tkk characters play on new playgrounds!

i get what they're doing abt kreeses backstory, ( also. cobra kai. pq eles caem nas cobras djjs sorry) but did it need to take up that much time? feels like they couldve done it in half the run time and developed some other stories better

martin kove has such an evil eye. i love it

love that we get a good follow up to kreese breaks johnnys trophy and tries to CHOKE HIM in the parking lot, which happened in the movie and then....................... was never mentioned again

“the gang is all back together again” aaaa u piece of SHIT

also. terry silver is definetely appearing ha ha ha PAIN i cant wait

seen ppl say kreese was too much of a cartoon villain like..........................oh......... sweetie........... u dont even Know

interested how johnny will fit into that bc kreese was simping rly hard for johnny here. like i did not expect him to be so adamant to have him with cobra kai ... under his control, sure, but he really wants johnny by his side despite already having control of the dojo and how will terry silver self appointed jon kreeses forever simp going to feel abt that?

like bitchs dropping by every episode like ‘joooooohnny ..... come bacc to me joooonny......... this ur last warning! for real this time johnny! i wont say it again! watch me ! im leaving johnny! im rly leaving ! im dragging a chair” and johnny is just like. dont let the door hit ya bitch it was so funny pls

and on that subject oof, johnny! doesnt! Know! he doesnt get that side of daniels cobra kai trauma. and i kind of.............. cannot wait for ck 2021 johnny lawrence to meet terry silver like. what a shit show i need a front row seat and popcorn (imagine terry tries some greasy charm and johnny just roundhouse kicks him in the teeth bc he just doest Not Have the Patience for This. glorious)

feels like we, as a society, should acknowledge that cobra kai will never die................ bc their sense of design is just chefs kiss. their name is COBRA KAI. they have sexie sleeveless black gis. theyve sneks. colorful leather jackets with embroided naja insignia, the get ppl thru the aesthetics. evil geniuses

the flashback cuts : masterpiece behavior

the other takes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! of the movie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the differente angles!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! of the FIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE CLOSE UP ON JOHNNYS FACE AT THE KICK

that scene of daniel and johnny vibing to 80s music in the car. just. oh my god. the fan wish fullfilment. no thoughts head empty.

the new characters! theyre .... good. but. idk. i really like miguel (save for the annoying phase mid s1 - end s2) and amanda, who is a damn riot and has some functioning braincells, but everyone else is

like dont get me wrong, i dont hate anyone,its not a jane and rafael from jtv situation, and i am interested and invested in their arcs, but i wouldnt say i like Like them, as in, personality wise

like, sams grappling with ptsd was rly gutting and i enjoyed that plus her slight rage issues,

which nicely parallel torys rage issues. torys background is all over the place tho so im pretty on the fence abt her so far

robby deserves better in every way, and i like how smart and cunning and surprisingly sweet he is

hawk............... is there i guess,

demetri is annoying in the best way possible,

carmen is sweet but. i just feel like her character is blunted to make the johnny relationship easier. like when shes furious with him after miguels injury but then forgives him like an episode later? and then convinces him to fight for the tournament bc she had a karate epiphany off screen even tho she was always against it? meh. feels like with the plot thiccening she was swallowed and now shes like a crutch for johnny mora than anything, which is disappointing.

aisha was cool and im kinda mad she wasnt in s3, especially bc a storyline with her tory and sam was like RIGHT THERE , but also... cant say i was super super fond of her... doesnt feel like we ever spent enough time on her

moon the bi icon,

overall its a good cast but the main draw for me remains the og cast

the tory/sam miguel/robby Thing. enjoy how theyre Narrative Foils and i like how their stories were so dramatically entangled but oh god give me a break with the teenage love square for the love of god. if u gonna put us through that at least have the decency to not make it so straight

and honestly some sam/tory miguel/robby romantic tension would even make more sense. just saying!

also im not sure how i feel abt the cobra kai: red miyagi do: blue theyre going with since some of daniels most iconic looks in tkk are also red. like it was a color they (johnny and him) sorta shared. i get it, opposite but complementary but idk... a little too fire nation and water tribe for me .

and like the cobra kai kids are so funny abt it bc their outifts grow progressively more ridiculously coordinated. its like do they group chat every morning before leaving their houses?

robby still sticks out like that tho. he went thru an athleisure/daniel san tsleeves phase and now hes back in the bandts grunge, but his color scheme doesnt fully blend with the other cobra kais. hmmmm.

LOVED LOVED LOVED both the okinawa episode and the cobra kais easy rider episode just such good good heart aching fun

bobby is an icon. he was in tkk and he is now ck hope appears more and more

tommy is like the most iconic background character. all his lines, freaking gold then and now. sigh :(

the framing in the okinawa trip was so good everything was so good

i stand by the fact that kumiko was the love interest daniel had the most chemistry with and shes is overall such a joy to watch, loved to see her again, idola, fashion icon

also tkk ii is good u guys are just mean

also really enjoyed chozens role in the episode, his evolution; i love that they introduced the pressure points (ty lee the blueprint) and! the honk + karate! cousins! absolutely iconic

when kumiko reads mr miyagis letters........ oh my god, my eyes FILLED with tears, it was so heart wrenching :(( tamlyns delivery was so emotional and lovely and its so obvious everyone involved in ck has so much love and respect for pat morita and mr miyagi as character, and i adore that it exists like this electric current through the show

when we were watching i told my sister i thought that ali would be miguels big shot surgeon and ngl i am so disappointed that didnt happen. hire me cobra kai writers

also the johnny ali daniel amanda chemistry? off the charts

AND the sassy retconning of daniel and alis breakup! LMAO ‘I HOPE U DIDNT TELL MR MIYAGI IT WAS MY FAULT’ HFDJJGNKFKSD

i am preeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetty sure back injuries dont work like that but oke

daniel and johnny are so good together whenever, like they never actually help the kids or get shit done and end up fighting anyway but its just so much fun when theyre hanging

JOHNNY LAWRENCE AND DANIEL LARUSSO FIGHTING TOGETHER

daniels “plan” on how to get robby to juvie was so stupid. literally were u TRYING to make him hate you. dumbass

parents at those hearing rly brave for ppl that did not do ANYTHING as their kids got involved in a karate gang war until now

“bullshit i heard u were the real bully!” i mightve screeched

this s3 ending was SO DRAMATIC omg

everyone is such a MESS go to THERAPY u unhinged motherfckers

also im sorry but uh. a richass neighborhood in california doesnt have some type of neighborhood watch? the larussos rly dont have any security at all? neighbors wont hear the sound of a damn karate brawl happening next door??? also wasnt tory all like ooo i cant go to juvie, my mom yada yada yet shes always running around town getting into fights even at the rich girls house she was kicked out of school for fighting?? ? ?? ?? ? ? ? ?? ? ? girl??

stop destroying the larussos house, its so pretty :((((

sam finding her center looking at mr miyagis picture... uwu maybe

robby yelling ‘U ARE WEAAK’@ johnny \as he is easily blocking him is like.... so funny and so sad to me. sweetheart.

also i know it was meant as ‘oh johnny pushes him and HURTS HIM’ but it just looks like robby runs himself into the lockers and IM SO SORRY I FEEL SO BAD BUT IT WAS SO FUNNY

i like that he and tory are the cobra kai kids now. we need ppl we care abt there to not revert to a good vs evil schtick, and this is the most engaging it could be... tho it hurts that these kids cant catch a break

ah yes "lets bet some real shit on the result of this teen karate tournament bc that is always a great idea" is BACK

so daniel saves johnny from kreese..... maybe johnny will save him from terry 🧐

and dojos unite ohohoho. lets SEE how that’ll work out

miguels face of Despair when the ck defectors and the md kids are bickering like 'this is never gonna work' : gold

also. Johnny Lawrence is gonna learn some myiagi-do karate AHAAHSJAKDFH

ive been waiting for this moment all my lifeeee oh lawrd

final thoughts! there are def things i hope the writers will improve on the next season, but i am very excited for it either way AND i feel like it has made me enjoy the movies even more and that is a win for a reboot/sequel to me!!

#m.#did i procrastinate watching this since it came out and only watched it now bc my sister nagged me to when i said we should #watch karate kid over the holidays?#and then binged the whole thing in two days??#mayhaps and what abt it #cobra kai #the karate kid #its funn #y bc like karate kid is a Childhood movie but i wouldnt say #it was like particularly special for me?#like i wasnt in a fandom or anything #but now.#i might be invested #maybe #talvez

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elliethesuperfruitlover · 4 years ago

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alright everyone raise your hand if you know where this is going.....yeah im sorry, this is about to be a train wreck of a vent post

okay so ur local teen is a smidge anxious and upset if i do say so myself. for the main reasons, of course. i’ve done literally nothing all summer, and the jealousy and anger is catching up with me, and it’s really just *chef’s kiss*. um, im also PMS-ing so that’s probably why i’ve consistently felt like shit for DAYS on end. um, i cant really tell my mom that i “can’t see myself when i look in the mirror, it’s not a trans thing, it’s called i think im fucking losing it” or something similar, not anything else. it’s um.....i absolutely hate it. i cant really talk to my therapist right now, which limits my options to family and friends. i /could/ talk to my family, but i wouldnt want to worry them, and i dont want them to send me to a psych ward. and i know that my friends are here, and they always are, but i dont want them to worry, a lot of them have jobs, and i also feel like i overshare a lot....i do overshare a lot, actually, and ive realized that it’s kinda frowned upon. so im not gonna do that. (check back in with me, this is going to cause me to bottle my emotions) i cant really find the healthy medium between those two.

let me just talk about fandom shit really quickly, because my god, i belong to a few and theyre notorious for being “toxic”. okay so, fandoms arent toxic, people are toxic. a lot of the time, a large group in that fandom have done something really shitty, or are known for something really shitty, and everyone forms one negative opinion of that group of people. kinda like stereotyping, but not quite. let me talk about BNHA for a bit. this fandom is known for “being toxic” now, let me say, i see a LOT of shit going on, a lot of discourse, and its nasty as fuck. its gross. my rule is “do what you want within reason” i just....jesus the shit going on...um. so it’s gross sexualizing of minors, all that shit, ew, nasty, disgusting, hate it. but like...bad things make it harder for me to enjoy a piece of media that BRINGS ME LEGIT JOY. like bad ppl, just SHUT THE FUCK UP, let me enjoy this. i go “am i a bad person for liking this” no, no im not, theres just a fuck ton of bad apples who kinda fuck everything up for everyone. thats it.

and heyy, this is where we get into deep rooted issues. i have intrusive thoughts. i usually dont dwell on them, because of my relationship of “if you think this will happen, it will, especially if it’s a bad thing” and like?? i have a grandfather who’s older, im terrified of something happening to him, my dad is older, im terrified of something happening to him too. my mom as well. and especially my brother. and me too, like of course me! i have random aches and i go “is this it, am i just gonna die from this” and there’s the constant fear that i have of “i could be secretly dying and know nothing about it.” which is fun to think about. and sometimes before i go to sleep, i think “i could wake up and be dead” so thats also lots of fun to think about. my thoughts are terrifying. as well as that, i know they’re also probably not that normal. for someone of my age, absolutely not. there’s no way that im not like??? losing it with these thoughts.

also i hate the fact that my parents are arguing over some of the dumbest shit. i can hear my mom talk about my dad from MY ROOM, she’s in the kitchen, all the way across the house. and she does the same thing with me, which i hate. it hurts to have people talk about you, but especially behind your back. when they might think that they cant hear you. i hate that she does that. if she has a problem with me, please say it to my face, it’s gonna hurt, but i honestly dont even care enough, like thanks for damaging me, but saying that i keep “doing this shit” years ago, still sticks with me.

i sleep all day (because i go to sleep at 4, 5 in the morning) and also because being awake reminds me that im wasting my life, and my time. there’s also like nothing to do. i could clean, but for what? if i bake too early in the morning, i get frustrated, and scared that im just gonna feel sick (another fear of mine, yayyy), like i have when i bake too early. going outside is boring, i cant go outside of the house. my friends in town probably arent vaccinated, so theres that. my mom thinks im seeing one specific person (and im not) and for sexual reasons, in which, thanks a lot. it’s not even for that reason. i just want a hug, that’s it. it’s literally so simple. i want a hug, and to sit in the park and just bask in the sunlight with people that actually love and appreciate me. for once. but apparently i cant.

im just....done with everything. and tired.

i honestly need a fucking psychological evaluation, so does the rest of my fucking family. im tired of not knowing what the fuck is wrong with me. there’s no way that the normal person does these things, and thinks these thoughts.

but yeah um, if ur under 18, write smut, do what you want, but dont show your naked ass on the internet bestie, it’s not worth the trauma.

yes, i write smut, yes its what im known for, HOWEVER, my mutuals dont see me in a sexual light, they see me as me, ellie the kiddo who writes smut and who also bakes occasionally.

ima go eat.

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sortagaysortahigh · 4 years ago

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Yall i need to rant somewhwre so im going to do so here. This is personal so yall can keep scrolling idc tbh.

I live in a very toxic household, like genuinely its sexist, mysoginistic, homophobic, ignorant and disrespectful as fuck. Mind you for a while I was used to said behaviors because Ive grown up in shitty ass places with shitty ass people and after a while you get numb to it. It becomes your normal.

My freshman year of college is when I finally realized that my normal wasn’t normal-like sure ive always known how fucked it all was but after a certain point it stopped bothering me. So i spent a year away at school and it was one of the best years of my life, then sophomore yesr came around and i was so excited to go back to school and fall semester was so much fun, i loved being back on campus in my apartment-sure i had beef w my dirty roommates but it was sm better than being home.

Then covid hit in the middle of my spring semester, we all got sent home and Ive been stuck in the environment that i was so thankful to leave. The people I call my family dont treat me like fucking family, they treat me like im nothing but a piece of shit snd they constsntly remind me of that. I am one of the conossouirs of daddy and mommy issues at this point because what the fuck. Ive been in this house with the same people who told me I was a mistske to my face-on multiple occasions-for months.

These are the same people who are impecabbly homiphobic and ignorant. I get into srguments with my “father” so often that I literally cannot bring myself to talk to him. This is the same man who doesnt believe in mental health and who thinks everything i fucking do is a cry for attention. Like my guy relax...you dont even know my birthday and we dont have a relationship because you left me for like 14 years...some store trip.

I have 4 brothers. 4. Two of which are barely starting elemtsry dchool and the other sre grown ass men who get fucking spoon fed. Ive always done more than them in the house snd outside of it, im not tooting my horn im being fucking realistic. I was raised under the ideology that “you cant find a husband if you dont know how to cook and clean” like bro relax im literally a lesbian. Ever since this stupid fucking quarantine started ive been doing everything-and when i refuse to do so its always the same “get a job and pay rent”-mind you i had a job, and now i have another job but im not paying these people shit. Not to mention whenever something goes wrong its either “its all your fucking fault” or “get the fuck out of my house”. And now that im carless i cant get kicked out bc where tf ima go. My parents wanna make me homeless so damn bad.

But the worst part of it all is itll go from i hate you, you were a mistske, i wish i never had you, why do you always fuck everything up, what the fuck is wrong with you to the ‘i love you, im sorry, you just make me so mad sometimes’. Like yall this is toxicity at its finest. Real clown shit. Im so used to it that at this point in my life my mental health is just at a steady decline but guesd what? Ima just get zooted and everythings gonna be fine for a few hours. But a few hours turns into a few days then a few weeks and now its been months. If you cant stay sober because of your family life, recognize that theres an issue there.

And to everyone whos read this, to everyone whos had to stay in their toxic ass households during the pandemic, and to those that are still minors just know that I feel for you, and I love all of you. If you ever need someone to talk to or to rant to Ill be here. That goes for literally abyone because i know hot alone it can feel-and how suffocating it gets.

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sunnybergamota · 5 years ago

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hey gurl, what happened?

(Warning, big venting text. Sorry) :(

Honestly, I don't know what is going on anymore. It's just a lot little things that make me feel like shit.

I feel like everything is changing in my life and I just can't keep up. My school is going through a makeover (reform??idk) and the place I've been my whole childhood is just gone. Also I don't even have friends anymore! I feel like Im going to a new school. My only friends, who have been with me for years, just dont talk to me anymore. They don't consider me their "best friend" anymore. The only people I interact other then my family are you guys from tumblr.

One of my friends post on that weird "End of year asks" from Whatsapp that they would come back to talk to me, but idk. This was one of my most lasting friendships, it made me as much good as it made me bad. There were days that she would make me feel amazing, and other that made me feel the worst piece of shit. They just didnt care about my interests, or how I was, as long someone was there for her. Seriouly, I was always there as a shoulder to cry, someone who would give a hug, but if I was sad??? "Don't worry, you are just close to your periods", "you are just tired", "well Im not your theraphist". It hurted so much, I didn't had anyone to hold on. And she would always push me alway that way. "Oah Gabi, Tumblr? Thats soooo lame!", "Thats super annoying, don't", "Pls stop you are just embarassing yourself", "You know that this tv show sucks, right?", "OMG, she's such a nerd, she still reads! In 2019!" (Everytime someone says something critically about me/my interests, I just push then away. It can be just "You need to do x better", but I Will take it as a personal attack and I don't have idea why! I can know that they didn't mean it, but something will be there saying "bitch, they don't like you, cant you see it?" Like, what is wrong with me?) And also her friends! They really didn't give a fuck abot me. I don't think they ever considered me a friend, we just had her in commun and we would walk together in the school break because I was still her friend. I think she would just walk with me until the last weeks of class because of pitty? Charity? Something like that. Looking back now I can see how toxic it was.

Also somethings here on Tumblr are also making me sick? Like, it is the only place I still feel safe, but everywhere I look there is some discourse. About JKR, Trump, etc. The ones that make me feel worse are the ace ones. Bro, bloggers I followed (and admired) started being ""out and proud acephobics"". They would say nasty things about how aces are ""not lgbt"" or ""disgusting virgins, we dont care if you want to have sex or not!!1!"". They don't realize how this kind of shit hurt! As someone who just figured out who I am, having some one screaming things like "not opressed enough" or "just a confused teens" is not helpful and really depressing.

Also just a general empty? Idk.

Anyway, Im really sorry for the big venting, but this had been on my back for a while and I couldn't keep it to myself anymore.

#bro also that one friend? shes is one of the only 2 people in rl ive ever come out #im kinda afraid what she can do with that information since we arent really friends anymore? i dont think she would tell anyone but you kno #other defect of mine: i cant trust people #ughhhhh why i am like this??#tbh im a total mess rn #i thought that some vacations would make it better but no it only gave me more time to think #that's why i've been sleeping all time in the past few days #anyway im kinda okay rn? i think?#but dont worry im better now #its just yesterday i was really shitty #look i got an ask #gabi's bullshit

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ohkimani · 8 years ago

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(ignore this, im doing the icky ranting thing again)

after thinking about everything i just wrote about their whole situation...

im actually pretty grapefruit that t&a and i have gotten to this point where nothing is really like.....confusing anymore? i think we are very much used to the way we act around and toward each other and it’s nice, you know? like we actually video chatted for a while today and though i kept getting annoyed with how much he kept saying he missed me, i figured after him saying it the fourth time when the conversation got quiet, he really meant it. he says a lot of things that make me stop in my tracks but i just assume he says them to everyone but at the same time idk. i just dont have the anxiety i had before of “OMG WHAT ARE WE, WHAT ARE WE?!” because now it just seems like since summer came along, we’re doing like LDR things and im enjoying the distance a lot. im not quite sure why im enjoying it but it’s nice to remember who i am without a boy around me to worry about. it just seems like im always on high alert when he’s around because he puts me in some different mind space that im not ever in. video chatting and calling me after seeing a movie he thought i would like is fine because i guess a part of me registers the fact that i cant make eye contact with him.

eye contact with him is the most excruciating thing i have ever experienced honestly. it doesnt matter what context it’s in. it could be us arguing over what movie to watch and staring each other down until one of us gives in, or it could be when he does the thing just before he kisses me when he just.....stares. it’s painful. it’s like...and undressing of everything ive felt, feel, or will feel. i feel exposed. i dont like that. i like it.....but it’s frightening as hell. i let everything out in different ways like drawing or even writing things like this, just throwing everything somewhere else. but when he just looks....it’s like he’s taking it all from me and i have no control over where it’s going or what he’s going to do with it. i claim to know him but he’ll probably always know me better. im a creature of habit and so is he but his habits arent typical habits. mine are things like “get stop stepping on my white carpet with your shoes on” or waking up early and softly playing music to keep me company until he wakes up. his habits are....making entire trip plans and soon making me realize they’re all daydreams or....i dont know.....he puckers his lips in his sleep a bit. but otherwise, there’s no system...at least not a real one at that. the distance has really helped me avoid having to figure it out though.

he’s truly an enigma, a real spawn of his father....which is definitely another worrying thing about him. he seems so unbothered by the things in the headlines and what not, crack jokes, laugh about it, what ever. until he’s at my door in the middle of the night because he needs to talk about things he cant get out of his head. he doesnt deserve to see these things but what can he do, you know? it’s easy to forget, until he does that smile. the same smile he smiled at me all those years ago when he decided spouting the foulest sentence to a (barely) teenager would be allowable by her mother. who knew he would be back in my life after making me so afraid of so many things.

but he’s not him and im still working on realizing that. he’s nothing like him. he’s better than him. he’s caring, gentle, playful, and light. of course he can be clueless but is there a single boy who has a clue? he’s a puppy...and that’s all i see. when he falls asleep on a movie he picked and i feel his breath on my neck, he’s finally calm. nothing can bother him or excite him. god is he excitable...but so am i so it’s okay. but my goodness. but he smiles so big and bright, the smallest compliment i give him can carry him for days. he’s so cute, he writes them on sheets of paper and puts them in his wallet. seriously. i didnt know this and i dont think he knows that i know. it was open and some of his cards and stuff were out of the wallet on my floor one morning so i was going to put it on my desk next to his phone. but when i went to pick it up, all of these tiny sheets had things on them like “5/8: that’s my favorite shirt of yours” and “6/1: you have such a nice smile” like....i wanted to cry dude. these small itty bitty things...

it’s been an interesting time. especially when allen suddenly fell back into my lap, and that other guy from undie run....it just felt so wrong talking to the both of them for some reason. probably because they werent him idk. i dont feel like he has any sort of claim over me but i dont really feel the need to talk to any other guy. especially after talking to allen for literally three days, i wanted to fling myself off of a building. he talks about himself so fucking much. and it’s not like him just venting about things and saying what’s on his mind, it’s him literally making everything about him. and he’s so depressed and it made me realize that it was our mutual severe sadness that kept us together for fucking what? almost a year? he was my longest relationship and all that time, i couldnt see it? we were catching up and i was telling him about my hospitalization and wanting to die and he starts trying to make it some sort of competition and telling me about how many nights he’s drunk himself into oblivion and wanted to die and how he shouldve gone to the hospital, blah blah blah and um like *nervous laughter* okay. idk. it feels like you cant talk to him about shit. anything you say is a jumping off point for him to make it about him. i dont get him.

i mean, when we were together, everything seemed so amazing until i realized i couldnt keep going. im still not all that sure what happened but i just couldnt anymore. i remember that nights driving out to the causeway and watching the sun rise over the water or long conversations about nothing, ice cream (even though i hate ice cream), beach runs, i dont know. it just felt good to finally be with someone who was just as weird as i am. i thought i felt that with gunner until i realized he was a toxic piece of shit. how he would threaten to kill himself and then not answer his phone for hours knowing he was too far for me to get to him and then suddenly he’d pick up on the last ring like “haha yeah i just fell a sleep” like in hindsight, honestly, gunner might be responsible for like some of the emotional damage i have now. how he would tell me the color red looks terrible on me and that my legs are too long and that my nose was shaped weird, etc. but i didnt see how terrible these things that he was saying were. i just saw it as him being funny but like....he really fucked me up.

but she was something completely different. i had hooked up with girls before but i had never wanted more before her. she was pure light. she always had something nice to say and was always so genuinely concerned. our playful banter was so fluid and perfect. i had no reason to believe i would ever want anyone else more than i wanted her. she was pure autumn. sweetness from her unique style to her adorable cats. looking back, she was almost a dream. it was strange to me because we were a whole country a part but things escalated like planning meet ups and what not and idk...maybe it scared me. maybe the way she made me feel scared me and i had to have some sort of way to push her back. i didnt want to deal with the emotions that came with giving all of me to her. she was too good for me and i’ll probably always regret how i left what he had to shrivel up. but it’s too late now and ive learned what i needed to learn from that. she taught me so much....especially about myself. my biggest regret will always be using him to get you away from me.

and now here i am. floating. i could mention max (bless him) or treyvon or terrell or lee but.....such short lived flings ended by trivial things....would they really matter. i dont even know why i wrote all of this honestly i think i was just trying to make myself get sleepy. i have class in the morning lmfao

#p #ignore me #t&a #a #i think ive dated too many ppl but it's fine

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straighttotheheart · 8 years ago

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My biggest problem

My ex keeps texting me since he's been in town, (the one who i literally got into a fist fight with/ our relationship bordered on at best toxic at the worst abusive) usually starts off with a 'I'm in town let's hang out, I'm sorry, I miss you' and after me ignoring him for most of the day it then escalates into 'you're a piece of shit, youre unlovable, your bf is probably cheating on you, your worthless' And like I know it's just him trying to get under my skin and in my head but it still fucks me up. Like I try to ignore it and let it roll off my back but at the same time I over think alot. And alot of the time it ends up me being wide awake at 3/4 in the morning drinking and thinking that I'm not worth being loved, and that I'm worthless. Like I've blocked his number before b u t h e just texts me off of one of those texting websites. Like it really fucks me up how you could let someone into your heart at some point in your life and let them know your deepest insecurities and they would use that knowledge to continually hurt you. like even with my current BF I am so very hesitant to let him in, to tell him my secrets and problems. On Friday night I ran into him at a bar (there's only like 4 bars I like in all of San Francisco, and on Fridays it's always the same one in the Castro) where he proceeded to get in my face and yell at me in front of a crowded bar. Yell how I don't deserve love or ever will be loved, how the second my current BF realizes how neurotic I can get he will head for the hills, how I'm going to die alone and I deserve to because I'm not worth any bodies time. I walked out of the bar and walked all the way back to Bart, I tried to keep myself composed for the ride (pretty sure I didn't do the best job) as the train pulled up to a random stop like 3 stops from where my car was, my current BF called me to tell me he was at a bar in the town my train just stopped in and to get out and he'd walk to the station and meet me there. I almost said no and that I just wanted to go home and drink but instead said sure. I walked up to him standing there and we just hugged and held each other for a moment and walked around and talked about how shitty our days were. Later while we were waiting for the train he could tell I was still visibly upset and put his hand on my knee and rubbed his thumb in little circles and reassured me that my ex was wrong and he could tell me that from first hand experience. I guess the point of this is that just the reassuring hand and positive comments did me a world of good. Even right now as I'm writing this im getting text after text from my ex saying that I'm a shit head,and that I deserved him breaking me down, the reassurance from my bf is keeping me afloat. And he'll probably never know how much he helps me.

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my-motherflippin-blog-son · 5 years ago

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SOME POSITIVE REFLECTIONS FROM QUARANTINE

I think it’s important to acknowledge just how non-linear, progress is. You’re gonna bounce all over the place for a long time before you start feeling like you actually put some distance between where you started and where you are now. And even after all that effort, all that struggling, progress, on anything, often feels underwhelming.

I spent a whole year struggling with a lot of anxiety over this project, really worried about having a senior project that feels substantial. Something that can make up for my weak ass portfolio. Something that feels honest but smart, something funny, something to better myself, something that could make a positive change in the world beyond me. I needed it to solve all this because i was scared of being a failure. I already knew that anxiety made me waste a lot of time throughout school, it had skewed how I lived my life so dramatically. I thought I could make up for everything I knew I did wrong if I could just do something something substantial and meaningful. And in my subconscious, I felt like I if I could do that, it would define who I really was beyond that anxiety, beyond all my fuck ups.

It took me a solid half a year to come up with an idea I liked. I wrote dozens and dozens of pages of research. I wanted to make sure that each step I took toward that abstract end goal was the right one. Then problem after problem was thrown in my lap, forcing me to alter my idea. And I can blame my lack of progress on all the constant shit thrown in my lap, but I know the real reason was all that anxiety. It was paralysis, something keeping me too afraid to move forward or make a wrong move.

Part of it was I needed to know I was doing the right thing in everyone else's eyes. And at first glance, that’s not a bad thing. The world is empathetic, you’re only as good as the value you can bring to everyone in your life. How much love can you give? How many problems can you solve for others? Can you give back more good to the world than you add to the bad? I still think those ideals are what part of make the world a kinder place. At the end of the day, ya just want the most amount of people to be happy. Theres so much good in the world you want to be a part of. It wasn’t bad thinking, it wasn’t toxic, but it was partially a need to please everyone in order to validate who I was. It’s those sorta thoughts that were informing my mentality. But you can’t define yourself as long as you’re doing it through the lense of others.

So there were all these hiccups, there was all this anxiety because of the democratic primaries and graduation, and on top of that, then the virus hit. And I felt more paralyzed than ever. I’d designed a whole project around focusing in on a specific evil, approaching it with some wit and levity, and making a change. But then the rules of the game changed and i just couldn’t care anymore. And why would anyone else? When you’re drowning, It’s hard to care about someone complaining about how cold the water is. That’s kinda where I was at, it was just a lot all at once. And honesty what affected me emotionally the most is that this was a project about me having something to say and being able to say it with a little bit of wit, and I just had nothing funny to say. I couldn’t find anything funny. I had nothing productive to say, no clever solutions, nothing that added to the good. No one wanted to hear another white dude complain about capitalism without offering any solutions, especially me. MAYBE you could argue listening to someone vent is fun, but the only reason listening to someone vent is fun is because you don’t see your feelings articulated as well anywhere else. But it’s like, when the whole world is screaming, what’s the point in screaming too? I just wanted a distraction. But I didn’t realize that till later.

I spent almost 2 months having done virtually nothing. Then I met in a big group with all of Anthony’s advisees, where it turned out everyone had been affected in some way. Most people now had to make a change to how they were going to present their ideas but were still about to go on with their project, and some people were even close to done. But I just wasn’t. So when it got to me i just kinda plopped all my baggage on the table. I said I’m depressed in every possible way but outright saying it and still talking about my project, not even realizing i was doing it. I shouldn’t of done that, but was exhausted and drained so I had no filter. and after i said my piece, they talked at me for a while trying to help me find some peace in not feeling up to creating anything, but the question that stuck in my head was Anthony asking “so if this wasn’t for senior project, what would you be doing right now?”

And honestly the answer was “nothing”. I didn’t wanna do shit. I wanted to play animal crossing and watch Buzzfeed Unsolved for 16 hours a day and listen to the same 5 Tennis songs over and over. I left that meeting feeling a little nihilistic. I had no ideas and nothing clever to say. I felt stripped of everything. This project was already my hail mary as it was. There was no way I was ever going to make something that felt substantial in time. No matter what i did, it was going to feel underwhelming to me.

But the fun thing about nihilism is that sometimes it leads to optimistic nihilism. Optimistic nihilism feels like kinda surrendering yourself to the universe, theres a feeling of clarity. If I was going to be a disappointment, who cared what I made? people are going to be underwhelmed no matter what. What future is there to worry about when every future plan you had was scrapped? Fuck it. It doesn’t have to be meaningful anymore; If you have nothing to say, say nothing.

But I kept thinking about Anthony's question and realized that if I were to be forced to make something, it would be little animation loops. Its all I felt like doing. They’re fun to make. everything else felt forced. Something simple and pretty like the “How To Forgive” visualizer.

And in the past, being inspired by a piece of media would make me anxious people would think I was copying or worse, that I was doing something derivative of something better and people . But recently, I wrote a “manifesto” for design issues about the current design trend which I called “Behance Style”. This manifesto made me break down everything these trendy designers were doing. using the same imagery, the same image making techniques, the same style fonts, there was so much of “the same”. It all felt so derivative of each other. But it didn’t matter to me. I liked it anyway. I was still entertained. And because now that I understood how this trend worked, I knew if I wanted to, I could subvert it, so I wasn’t afraid of making things in that style.

I’d been asked some variation of “forget the grade, what would you normally make? what do you want to make?” many times throughout this project. But I spent the last 6 years not making anything for myself, it was all to try and meet some standard. So when people asked about my personal projects, I didn’t know how to make any. Anxiety made me work non stop on school stuff, I never gave myself the time for stuff outside of what was required. And was always too anxious about school to feel compelled to make anything for myself. It was a distraction controlled by anxiety and self hate. I’m still struggling with the idea of making things just to make them without being influenced by outside forces, but this felt like a big step in the right direction.

Saint Cloud by Waxatachee dropped and it was just so pretty and cathartic and that was all I listened to for like 2-3 weeks. Between Saint Cloud and Swimmer, I had all these ideas for little pretty loops. Gabe Gundacker started his new project and I’ve been loving everything he’s released. I started listening to a lot of love songs. The Midnight Gospel came out and while the narratives are so thoughtful and engaging, that show partially felt so inspiring because the visuals feel like they were made with the mentality of “lets have fun with it.” It all felt really nice to just be able to appreciate something purely for being pretty. I didn’t care if people judged my music taste for being basic or thought my visuals we’re corny, I just wanted to make stuff to distract myself.

I just realized im writing in the past tense, even though i’m currently still in the middle of this project. Maybe to solidify the reality I want to exist?

Im still working on it now, who knows how this’ll all turn out, but all this feels like a nice step in the right direction. just moving one very small step at a time and then often thanking another step backwards or sideways feels exhausting but eventually you make progress, and it’s the only way to go about it, especially when you feel like you’re starting from nothing.

maybe edit that last paragraph tomorrow. i wrote it and it feels like a conclusion but i definitely didn't mean for it to, im just tryna wring out the last ideas i got in my head before going to bed. you might even wanna delete it and move shit around. i wanna come back to this tomorrow. really explore this and get to the bottom of shit. theres more i wanna say but i cant come up with the words that feel right. it s 5:04 am.

#5/1

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writhingcreature · 5 years ago

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Warning: Long post that's basically just me word vomiting and not editing or sorting my thoughts at all. It's very confusing and depressing and 100000/10 not worth reading. I just have to get it off my chest and post it so I can let it go. Sorry to clog your tl.

I'm tired of "If Only" from fucking Discendants of all places hitting so goddamn hard.

Like, internalized homophobia really comes CALLING everytime I realize how in love with my girlfriend I am and how happy she makes me and how excited I am to be with her irl and live with her and be able to kiss her and hold her hand and hear her say my name and talk to her in person

I'm just chilling and then my heart goes "her 🥰" and my brain goes "that's gay 🤢" and honestly YEAH BITCH IT IS GAY SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!! IM GAY!!! YOURE GAY!!! WERE ALL GAY!!!!

And then I listen to "If Only" and it hits soooooo hardddddddddd like let me break this down for you!!!!

"A million thoughts in my head- should I let my heart keep listening? Cause up till now, Ive walked the line. Nothing lost- but something missing." like, I fought my bisexuality my whole life. I was raised LDS (Mormon) and most of not all religious kids in general will tell you for years how much they still how evil that shit is into you and honestly between my programming and what I know in my very bones, it's so???? I'm so???? p u z z l e d!!!! I hate the chaos and the way it all tears me to pieces this is fucking ridiculous

"I can't decide what's wrong, whats right. Which way should I go?" AGAIN!!!! WITH THE TARGETTING MY PROGRAMMING!!! I've been taught my whole life that God Hates Gays so like?? If I'm happy and in love and feel safe and secure that's?? Bad? I've spent my whole life being miserable doing what I've always thought was the right thing and like, after watching Frozen 2 and adopting that "just do the next right thing" mentality, I'm sitting here genuinely wondering what that is? And sometimes I wonder if I'm gonna go to hell and drag her and my boyfriend with me and that's so heartbreaking but like why should I be miserable my whole goddamn life? Just for a supposed eternal happiness that's supposed to happen? I've already lost so many people and I cannot ha del just being friends with her so if we're not dating then I guess we're not in each other's lives and that's fucking unacceptable. Like being happy SHOULD BE THE RIGHT THING WHAT THE FUCK RELIGION

"If only I knew what my heart was telling me. Don't know what I'm feeling; is this just a dream?" Like daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn do I feel that. Is it telling me to leave everyone behind and completely restart my life? Is it telling me to ditch my family and live the life Ive always wanted? Or to ditch my partners and lead the life I've been told I should be living? Because honestly I can't fucking live both and as it's going, I'm eventually going to have to either give up my family or my girlfriend and I have to tell you where I'm standing now it seems my family is g o i n g and that's so fucking tragic. Re: Ive lost so many people and losing all of them? Like the idea that I have family in the afterlife waiting for me is the only shit that kept me going and now I have to abandon all of it just to be happy for two fucking seconds? But then, that same family abandoned and neglected and brutally abused me so really why is the choice so hard? What the fuck???

"If only I could read the signs in front of me, I could find a way to who I'm meant to be." Am I hesitant to leave my family because I've been programmed to think they're all I have? Do I have to ditch them at all? Can we all just chill and cold to an agreement or is having them in my life always goikg to be them reminding me I'll always "be a girl" even though I'm enby and that bisexuality is fake and that homosexuality is evil even when I'm happy? They're so toxic but maybe they're not? Maybe I'm just not leading my life the way I should be? What do feelings mean? How do people decifer this shit?? How does one make Good Choices?

"Every step, every word. With every hour I'm falling in. To something new. Something brave. To someone I have never been." AM I CHANGING??? IS THAT A GOOD THING??? AM I BECOMING WORSE OR BETTER????? SHOULD I BE CHANGING DIFFERENTLY?? Is what I knew about myself no longer applicable? How will I know what's good for me if I don't even know who I am? And if I don't know who I am or where I'm going how am I suppose to know which decision to make and which person to become? How do I know what's good for me if I don't even fucking know who 'me' is???

"Am I crazy? Maybe we can happen. Will you still be with me when the magic's all run out?" AND ANOTHER THING! How much will change between me and her when we're in person? Maybe the distance is whats keeping us togerher. She doesn't have to deal with me in person. My depression. My anxiety. My triggers. My strong opinions. My neediness. Having sex with me. Sharing a bed or a room or even just a house with me. What if I'm as much a burden to her as I am to everyone else? What if she ends up hating me, and all this worrying was for nothing because I'm on the completely wrong path and I just don't deserve happiness anymore. Maybe my viewpoint is completely wrong and she'll see that and start hating me???????

Like honestly I have so many doubts - mainly about me because she's amazing and so is my boyfriend. Maybe they'd be happier without me. Maybe everyone would be happier if I just didn't fucking exist at all.

And that's literally on internalized (or just general) homophobia and how absolutely toxic and destructive it is. End it now so that people in the future don't end up like me.

#rant #sort of a psa I guess maybe idk #this was absolute chaos #I'm not breakijg up with my gf but like #I have for these exact reasons #and its BULLSHIT #ABSOLUTE BULLSHIT #I want to destory mysekf #maybe if I #d*e then I will at least be able to stop fucking caring or thinking or worrying about it #fuck wmotions #god

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finding-myownway-blog1 · 7 years ago

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Farewell Toxicity

I’ve been trying to figure out a way to update people who care about my life in the most uncensored way possible. I am ready to be completely honest with what has been going on. I don’t care what anyone has to say, because (1)sticks and stones and (2)I have better things to do than let words hurt me anymore. I wear many hats: I’m a mother, a wife, a daughter, a granddaughter, a niece, a cousin, a friend, a gamer, an artist, a writer, a baker, singer, and makeup artist (to an extent). All my life I have been limited to what I can and can not do with my creativity. Something that has helped me live and be okay with who I am and how people treat me is writing. I’ve written so many things. Kept journals, written poems, song lyrics, and short stories. I even attempted to write about my own life to maybe, someday have it published. Once I presented the idea to my dad and he told me it wasn’t a good idea because I should be careful with what I say. That I could hurt someone’s feelings with my writing. Another time, my privacy was invaded, and my step sister went into my room and read my thoughts in my journals. When I told my dad, he told me I shouldn’t write things down for people to see. Told me I should keep it in my head or on my phone because then no one will be able to see what I’m thinking.

I’m a writer. I can’t talk to people to tell them how I feel, so I write it down. I’m a writer- so don’t tell me what I can and can’t write. Don’t censor me. If it’s what I’m feeling, how could I be wrong? My opinions shouldn’t be shit on. The things I’m about to share are things I’ve kept inside for too long. It should be known that these stories are truer than true. They’re from my memories and choosing to share them is my way of venting. Please respect that. These are my thoughts and emotions.

My dad lives in NC with his (not so nice to me) wife and her (put me through a helluva time in the past) daughter. He tried guilting me into going with them, but I knew I wouldn’t be happy over there. When he was prepping to move, he made it all worse by telling me, “I had to stay stuck in NJ because of YOU and no one else. I was stuck here because of you Litz. If it weren’t for you, I would have been GONE.”

Finally I broke and yelled at him. I was like NO DAD IM NOT GOING WITH YOU. I HAVE A LIFE HERE. I HAVE FAMILY HERE. I AM NOT LEAVING!

All he could do was stare at me. That was the first and only time I silenced him.

You know, my dad primarily raised me during my teen years. It wasn’t fun. He did what he had to do since I’m his daughter. I’ll always be grateful to him for being there for me. Unfortunately, happy times were few and far in between with him and me. We argued a whole lot and he never wanted to hear me out with problems or issues I had. He never made me feel comfortable to talk to him. I never felt like I could say how I felt. If he had a bad day or came home from work super hungry, he would take it out on me and tell me off until he ate and felt better. I’ve got journal entries as proof. Never once did he appreciate my art. It was never something he made me feel “skilled” in. If he did feel it- I never knew. I was mentally and emotionally abused by my father. You know, you always want to feel good enough for your parents. You always want to do well and make them proud. You never think your parents are capable of abusing you in any way. We’re taught that our parents are the ones we should be able to go to with our problems. So realizing that what my dad put me through was and still is abuse, kind of hits me hard. Nothing I did was good enough. He let his girlfriends tell him I wouldn't amount to anything and then he would tell me what they told him. He let them dictate how I should be treated and he listened to them. Once, I got criticized for reading Ellen Hopkins’ book, Crank and was accused of being into drugs because I was reading it. My dad swore I was into drugs, and he told people too. I’ll say this once and only once. I have never once smoked pot in my life(not that it’s bad, I’m just saying). I’ve never done a single drug. I’m 27 years old and I’ve tried a cigarette ONCE. lol D.A.R.E made an impact on my life lol. I was never the delinquent he thought I was. He never gave me enough credit. Just because I had friends in high school who smoked didn’t mean I smoked, myself. He was good at that, see. Accusing me, pointing fingers at me. Look, everyone makes mistakes growing up. I wasn’t a perfect daughter, but he was also far from being a perfect parent.

(ATTENTION!! WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO READ WAS WHEN I WAS 17! PLEASE KEEP THIS IN MIND. I have a different life now. I have an amazing husband and beautiful daughter who keep me grounded and in the light in more ways than one!!)

My dad told me once, that if I was ever gonna self harm, that I should cut from my wrist up, and do it the right way. He even acted it out for me. I was 17 and I’ll never forget that day. It sits in my mind, nice and fresh. He tells that story like it’s a big fucking joke. Makes me look like I threatened for the attention, versus a cry for help. I was a broken teen. I felt like my parents didn’t love me because they had really strange ways of showing it. (AGAIN, ATTENTION!!!!!!! That was years ago, I do not self harm at all. I am now a mother and would never put my daughter in any situation remotely close to something like that!).

Something my dad will fail to ever see is that he’s truly broken me into pieces, probably worse than anyone else ever has. He won’t own up to any of this. He’s too stubborn and has too much pride.

I’ve been “waking up.” Being a parent, myself will do that I guess. I’m maturing, growing wiser. I’m seeing things now that I didn’t see before and I’m learning that my dad really isn’t the person I thought he was.

He’s a fake. He swears by God, but just casted me out. Claims he’s a changed man who goes to church but still treats his family like shit. I mean, sorry. He treats his BLOOD family like shit. The family he married into is golden, Pony Boy.

Yeah, he goes to church but he and his wife are probably the two biggest jerks I’ve ever known my whole life.

My dad made me believe that since he was there for me when my mom wasn’t (which, you’re my dad... you’re SUPPOSED to be there for me RE-FUCKING-GARDLESS), that I owed him my life. If ever I had an opinion against his he’d be like, ��You know, Litz, I was there for you when your mother didn’t want you and you think it’s okay to try and tell me...”

He was manipulative, always treating me like a child. “Can’t do this. Can’t do that. If you hang out with friends I don’t know, they could rape you. They’ll take your phone and you’ll never be able to contact me. What if they kidnap you and I’ll never see you again. What if they hold you hostage?”

Once, he came to me and asked me who I was hanging out with (which ended up not happening because of the following). When I told him, he grabbed me and held me really tight. Put me in this situation where I couldn't get out of his grasp. Told me, “What are you gonna do?! What if they hold you like this and you can’t get out?! You don’t know how to fight, you aren't street smart! Try to get out!! C’mon! Fight your way out of this hold!” I was scared. I fought. Tried to get out. Stomped on his foot really hard and everything. Has anyone else gone through that shit with a parent? Please tell me that’s not normal…

He won’t remember ANY of what I’m saying. He’ll deny it, but I swear all this has happened. I have no reason to lie to anyone about my life.

His wife has been causing me shit since day one. She moved in, I was never happy about it, and she managed to successfully put a wedge between my dad and me. If I ever had a problem with anything in our household and spoke up about it or defended myself, my dad and his wife would argue. Then my dad would come to me saying, “Why did you have to say anything? Why couldn't you just leave it alone. Y'all women are so petty.”

BUT if it were my step sister with a problem, everyone bowed at the drop of a hat and catered to the princess. Get the fuck outta here. Shit got old real fast. Anyone ever want know what its like to fucking tiptoe around and live uncomfortably in your own house because every little TINY thing you did annoyed your step mother, cause I lived it. Now, (Congratulations Evil-Step-Queen) she’s completely ruined my relationship with my dad and yeah, she has A LOT to do with it. Ask anyone in my family or my husband and they’ll tell you. My friends know it all too. When she and my dad first started dating she compared me to an ex’s daughter who didn’t like her and was mean to her. She never really gave me a chance.

-Moving Forward- My step sister got pregnant, which we all saw coming, let’s be real. She’s lucky cuz she has her mom and my dad to take care of the baby when she wants to do other things. (We all aren’t so privileged, but at the same time, we’re all also responsible enough to not pawn our kids off every chance we get.. sooo..). Which, whatever. I’m not touching that any further. It is what it fucking is.

What hurt me was when I found out she was pregnant I swallowed my pride yet again to make amends with her (because before this year we hadn’t talked for 2), and tell her that I was here for her because she was pregnant and basically doing it alone. My step sister and I have had really shitty times. Like so bad we just never talked. And every single time we fought, I would have to be the one to speak up or apologize because my father would make me feel guilty. I digress, I do all that shit only to not get a phone call when she goes into labor. Instead, I find out on FB just like a regular old fb associate. No one likes including me in shit over there since I’m so fucking insignificant.

My dad couldn’t come see Zoey in the hospital when I had her but there he was taking all pics with my step sister’s baby. And my step mom captioned every pic with “aw grandpa loves his grand baby.”

How quickly they forgot that they already had a grandkid here in Jersey. Soon, my dad’s phone calls and FaceTimes were slim to none and sorry not sorry, but I won’t be the one to call you so you can talk to YOUR grandkid. I shouldn’t have to chase anyone down to be in my daughter’s life or mine.

November comes and dad decides to call me on Black Friday saying,

“Oh your birthday is coming. I can’t send you anything because I don’t have it right now, but it’ll come. Don’t worry.”

Guys, I don’t give a shit about gifts for any occasion, I really don’t. So I told him not to worry. But he insisted he’d send a birthday card. My birthday came and went and all I got was a text talking about “may god bless you blah blah blah.” Mother in law sent me a card, brother in law and his wife send me a card, sis and bro in law sent me beautiful flowers, friends in different states sent me gifts, my friend OVERSEAS sent me a gift... family celebrated my birthday on Thanksgiving. So what the fuck is his excuse that he couldn’t even send me a card? I don’t ask for much but a card is like $4? Also you’re telling me that my in laws and friends care more than my own dad if they all went out of their ways to make sure I had something for my birthday. Don’t fucking tell me “oh yeah I’ll send something,” when it’s just more empty promises. It’s more the telling me he’ll do something and not following through that gets me mad. I really do not care about materialistic things, because again I had all those family members and friends sent me something unexpected. He still owes my husband and me $160 for making me invite his step kids to our wedding. We didn’t have the money to invite any more than who we already had, but since he insisted he would pay us back, we put my step siblings down. We have yet to see that money. (We got married almost a year ago) Fell through with the promises, again. But he can give his church money, throw get togethers at his house, and feed his friends who are all members of this cult- -I mean church. Pretty sure God doesn't care about materialistic shit either, Pops.

Anywho, after my birthday I didn’t hear from him again. I put up a Facebook status about why I don’t reach out to people, which was most definitely about my dad- and he called me that day. Coincidence? I didn’t answer the phone because I didn’t feel like getting chewed out. (Because yeah I'm a grown ass 27 year old woman and my dad still chews me out when he doesn’t agree with me.) You know he asked for Zoey’s size in clothing, but I never gave it to him because I figured we didn’t need his gifts for Christmas. I figured I’d leave him alone. Especially since I know that’s what his wife wants too. They’re all better off without me over there. They’ve been doing fine these past 4 years without me.

Christmas week I got a text from my dad saying that my kid’s Christmas gifts will be at my house no later than Christmas Eve. A big box, and a little box.

He sent her a bike and a helmet. Without telling me. But what’s worse is how cold he was when I thanked him. He didn’t even acknowledge the thank yous.

Christmas Day came and we were really busy. We wake up, my daughter very delicately opens her gifts, Steve’s son comes, we exchange gifts, Steve’s parents come, we exchange gifts... I told my dad I would send him a video of Zoey opening her bike, which I did take, but didn’t get a chance to send considering I had company that whole morning/afternoon. I didn’t want to be on my phone stressing about sending a video. No sooner do I look at my phone to check the time and I have a text from my step mother.

Of all days to pick on me, why Christmas Day? I shouldn’t have to fucking explain what my grown ass is doing with MY family on OUR Christmas Day. Just cause all they do is stay at home, sit and stare at the walls doesn’t mean that’s what I’m fucking doing. I didn’t answer. Also, I’d like to point out that this woman will not text me any other time. She doesn’t look for my kid nor does she say hi to me. She’ll only text me if she has a problem with me. She’s like my dad’s yipper dog. -& another thing, tf you mean “I’m not sure whats going on with you and your dad?” YOU DID THIS. I chose to ignore her and try to enjoy my day, even though she ruined it for me.

I continued on with our Christmas with this weight on my chest. I couldn’t reach happiness because I just couldn’t wrap my head around WHY this bitch is trying to screw with me on Christmas Day. Like WHY?

Finally... we get home from being with family all day and my dad texts me..

I couldn’t help but laugh. I didn’t block him on Facebook, in fact, we were friends on there until he decided to go “further.” I’m still friends with his wife on Facebook so who’s the idiot now? I just stopped them all from seeing the things I post because they all get so butthurt. Apparently the comments I make are stupid and I’m wrong as usual for what I think... which is how he’s made me feel my whole life. He confirmed everything I’ve been feeling recently. He isn’t a good person to me and he’s a hypocrite. How can someone say they’re into church but say mean things like this to their own flesh and blood? You’d think I was the step child quite honestly. He may have done well by stepping up to the plate to play both Mom and Dad for me, but I owe him NOTHING. I don’t owe him a damn thing.

This has been my burden for the longest time now, even before this text. My dad was the reason for my quitting streaming the first time. He and his family make me feel insignificant. They don’t include me. They don’t look for us. They don’t care about anyone but themselves and that’s fine. I’m done bending backwards for people who won’t even consider doing the same for me. You guys don’t know how much I’ve cried and had panic attacks over him and his wife being the way they are with me. My father has always had this manipulative control over me. Always making me feel guilty, always making me say sorry to his wife even though I was never in the wrong. Always taking her side if I spoke up for myself when I lived with them. I’m done. Not once, while he was busy acting cold and telling me off in those texts did he ask how his REAL granddaughter was doing. Not EVER does his wife look for her, but she expects to be called “Mom Mom.” They have no problem telling me how I’m wrong when I don’t ever do a thing to any of them, but when I start standing up for myself they decide to come down on me and disown me. I don’t deserve that. You get rid of me, you get rid of Zoey. So nice fucking job. They lost every chance to come back. I’m done. I can’t keep letting them hurt me because I matter too. I was never a fuck up in my life, but damn do I sure get treated like one. Screw them, good riddance and Farewell Toxicity. ✌🏽

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uglysuburbia · 7 years ago

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s.a.d.

Seasonal affective depression will be the death of me The literal death I got to move from here So there's more of a reason that my friends don't talk to me Like hey you moved , people lose touch, that's life, sorry Instead of them just not giving a shit I'm sorry That y'all think it's my manic episode But y'all are perfect right? Not really Noooooooo lmao Are you kidding And again , I don't want to make everything about money But how the FUCK is it That you guys have never taken me anywhere without asking for gas money How I can count on two hands Since we were 16 That you guys paid for one of my meals or for my drinks What is this And then me always tucking $5 in between your car so you'll have gas money And how I've listened to my flaws Aka talking too much And needing too much attention And I quickly realized all cant handle them So I make productive decisions to grow To stall my flaws But I'm bipolar LAUGHING MY FUCKING ASS OFF But you guys are so perfect Mad at the world together Moping in yalls beds together Judging the world together "We are so much hotter than everybody else" together Kat you're doing just as shitty as us So don't give us lectures Kat you just need to lose weight So we can all be pale and skinny and cry into our beers every other fucking night Listen.. I watched my mom get slammed against the fucking wall with a refrigerator and held in a chokehold and beat repeatedly with a pan I act like I laugh about it I was 9 years old I watched her drunk AT FUCKING DISNEY WORLD scare the fuck out of my grandma Have you ever seen one of those snuff videos of an old woman getting beat up? It's the same thing. I was 11 I cried and wanted to come home but I guess my dad didn't want to waste money on a plane ticket bc fuck no I did not want to be at Disney world where they just carted off my mom to prison Oh yeah sure I laugh about it She wrote to me in prison saying she needed me and my sister to stay alive She gets out Back to the same old shit Meth heroin pills lol kind of boring now bc it's all we hear about in the news I spend the summer with her and have to experience her withdrawals Didn't know what they were She just scared me And then how selfish I was going on with my life freshman year And then I can't get hold of her at all And I didn't care Because I didn't know And then she fucking dies Y'all have heard this story and still think I'm just the luckiest girl in the world bc my dad loves me and helps out After my mom dies I get back with the worst human in the world The boy I lost my virginity to a year prior This boy cheated on me a few weeks after my mom died Gets me pregnant Cheats on me more Like I'm 14 And all I'm thinking now is Wow the girls getting their clitorises burned off in the Muslim region of Africa would kill for this life And why am I acting so entitled Nothing is fair Rest assured this shit goes through my mind when I'm whining about my shitty white first world life But back to my story The rest of high school is fine after we stop dating and he moves I mean getting bullied sucked But lmao you said I was the Bitch in high school Honestly I'm sorry to everyone I ever hurt And anyone I continue to hurt With my careless choice of words I can't tell if I believe in karma I want so hard to be edgy and say I'm atheist And that's how I was for so long Atheist Agnostic is such a pussy word Some *philosopher* you know, the kid you work with that knows so much about life, he told me that, essentially, everybody is agnostic Okay loser There I go again being rude Anyways I don't know if I believe in karma, but I used to believe in "pre-karma" but lmao Na Shit just happens And if you put yourself in a RISKY SITUATION That is your own fucking fault Get over it Like I let my ex drive my car after I cheated on him Lmao duh Doesn't excuse what I did But duh Yeah he stole it and pawned 2 laptops, 2 phones, 1 tablet I still bailed him out of jail I still did a lot And tbh HE DID NOT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ME CHEATING ON HIM HE WAS USING ME THE WHOLE TIME lmao you two love to bring that up Oh yeah kat everyone saw it but you That wasn't even a real relationship Lol thank you guys So much I'm going to start writing down the toxic shit y'all say to me tbh I mean BUT IM BIPOLAR RIGHT NOTHING I SAY MATTERS ILL GET OVER IT ps YALL ARE PERFECT drug addict + alcoholic forever and ever I'm only like this cause of my dad right I love stream of thought It was cute when bukowski did it and he could write everything lowercase bc no spell checkers bukowskiiiii only famous because he was alive before the internet because now we have memes that make you feel uninteresting everybody does their own thing but really it's each other's thing there are no original concepts left in this world Anyways back to my privileged complaining I'm trying to think where I went wrong If I was in the wrong I really do try to look from an outside perspective Like What I did with my mom It's not like I did much I was 14 I was so weird about life and Mac was the worst person and idk for some reason I was more concerned with him And then idk It was Fucking high school I don't blame myself I just know I was selfish And I keep asking myself If everyone else is selfish? Towards me? Does that excuse my behavior ? Do I need to fix my moral code? Like there she was Running off with stupid fucking jimmy and I'm just like why why why????? Because he didn't love her Just like that horrible human being that got me pregnant never loved me And for real Whenever I found out Just a few months ago Everything he did Do you realize how mad I am? my mom is gone because she wasted her time with that fucking piece of shit And he's still alive After beating the shit out of her He's not in prison Who the fuck even I'm so tired I can talk about other things Like interviewers who attempt to explain to you in the interview why they probably won't hire you keeping you there for 30 minutes To talk and waste your time but I'm a nice person really so I don't say anything But idk that's literally why I'm upset right now maybe maybe that's the root of it all or maybe my friends just all want to hang out without me and it's totally fine I have to get past those first months of loneliness but I'm definitely doing my own thing Or who's own thing my eyes hurt from this blue light but I want to keep talking Maybe people follow me on here Haven't checked in a while But anyways I'm blocking everyone Because why are certain people this certain way have fun good riddance Cause when everyone says For good or for bad What happened to kat ?? Considering I'm blocking all of you You guys won't know Ever Stream of thought End of whatever this was Anger and sadness and insecurities in text

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shitty-horoscopes · 8 years ago

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advice <3

”Hey hun, i hope your doing good💎 i’m on the other hand feel like shit..😔 i hope it’s okey we can talk, i just really need to talk to someone.. I feel so sad & shitty everyday i don’t know what to do im just sad but am trying not to let that take over my world, is just that in May I got to know a guy in my school, like it was like this (I was the shy popular girl that all the guys wanted) and he was just a guy going to the school that I found attractive so we started talking after like two years going to that school. But he kinda liked me already but he was really shy but yea so it really started of so innocent it was so pure and we really vibe:d the feelings got stronger and it was like to good to be true, but then everybody in the school knew about it and he had an ex in our school with he broke up with cuz he said it always was drama with her she treated him like shit and she was always angry and she didn’t even let him hang out with he’s cousins (yea you get it) so he felt like shit all the time BUT YEA when she heard the news about me and him she went craazyy she stated to send him text m and she started to send picture of her cutting herself cutting her arm full of blood and she blamed it all on him she said it was he’s fault then she started to talk shit about me and him to people in school and it was so much drama coming my way all at once, But I just prayed to God, and I always was their for “Remi” (the guy) I just wanted to see him happy & he did the same with me he treated me like a princess, but no matter all of that we continue to be together but then the summer came and I was going on vacation and he also, but it was so beautiful cuz we still talked to each other every single day and our bond got stronger it was so perfect😔 THEN the vacation was soon over I had one week left I was gonna start high school and he still has one year left in middle school. But yeah everything was perfect until like one week before I was coming back he started to get really distant & kinda weird so some days before a came I asked him why he had been acting like that and from nowhere he was just like I don’t know, but maybe we should just be friends, and then he said I really really love you, you are the most amazing girl I have ever known, and in my head I was like *wth* but I just kept it chill and I asked why and he was like I don’t know so I just thought like oh okey he don’t wanna say so I wrote to him that It’s fine, and that I only want him to be happy and lalalal then, Then a couple days after my friend show me that he and and that ex where back together and it was when I literally became broken but I didn’t do no drama about it I just let it go and yes AFTER one and a half month he text me from nowhere and he send me a old cute conversation between us two, and he sends a lot of hearts after, and then first I just ignore it cuz I literally started shaking, but then I was like why are you doing this and blabl and he was like am sorry denisse for everything I miss you so much I been thinking about you everyday I can’t stop, am still I in love with you, then I told him a lot and I asked why he did it cuz I didn’t get it cuz you know our relationship was really pure and it was good vibes only then from nowhere he do that AND he says this, he text me something like this, You where gonna start high school don’t you think everyone was saying you was gonna leave me and find a new guy I mean look at you and look at me it is one and a million that a guy like me gets a chance with a girl like you, I don’t know how I could do what I did I have felt sad everyday I miss you, Ahmed said you wouldn’t wanna talk to me ever again after what I did (he’s best friend) but I’m sorry you are the most kind hearted girl I have ever known, everyone said I didn’t have a chance, I’m sorry. And I ignored him but after some days a called him cuz I couldn’t let it go😔 and we talked and all of the old feelings came back for a while it felt just like old times, but you know we talked. About everything that had happen and I told him that I forgave him but I just can’t go back cuz I don’t trust him like that anymore and that am scared and that I have never been in that kind of situation before so I don’t know how to deal with it I just told him also that what he did was really wrong and once again he started apologizing and saying he really missed me, but yeah everything was cool between us when we hung up, we where in peace then he started texting me after and we texted the whole night and yeah then he started to text me everyday and sometimes he called me and it was like that a long time then he started to say am sorry again and that he wants a new chance and you know all of that stuff, and I said I did not know and that maybe I just needed a little time, and he was like I understand I’m fine with that, but he still continue to text me and talk to me everyday, and sometimes u didn’t always answer cuz sometimes things felt right and sometimes they didn’t I just didn’t know what the heck I was feeling and when I didn’t answer he was like you don’t love me no more just say to me that you don’t want anything to do with me be honest, and a lot of stuff and when I answered he just let that go and we talked. But then I came to that point where i didn’t knew if I really wanted him back cuz he didn’t felt like a safe place like before I couldn’t trust him. But he still talked to me and he was always saying all tHis cute things and yea but it was just so hard but I thought maybe I just need a little time and we can maybe work it out, then I stopped talking to him for a while cuz my friend told me that he and he’s ex had contact again and it was true then after like a week I was like I need to talk to you then I told him that and he was like is not true, I would never do that to you! And yes I just let him talk cuz I didn’t knew if I could trust him then I took distance and a couple days after my mom and him saw each other at a school (my sisters go to the same school) and he said hi to her and they kinda talked and he asked her if he could write to me (like I had forbidden him??) then she was and he asked that a couple times she said and if it was fine and that he was gonna write to me after football that night so I was like ehm okey.. But he didn’t. And i was like whatever.. And a couple days after that my mom saw him with the ex they where walking together and she said that he didn’t even say hi or something he just looked down and just walked and was trying to avoid eye contact with my mom cuz I think deep down he knows it wasn’t okey and I just didn’t knew what to feel after this then after that my “friend” tells me that they are back together and it was true, I felt like a fool I still do, I just don’t know what to do I don’t get why he do this, like how can he be so heartless and cruel everything that I ever wanted was to see him happy and I just wanted time and I wanted to take it slow, and he instead of that he goes to someone who begs on her knees for him and cuts her arms for him, okey I mean I just don’t get it I feel so confused and sad I don’t know what to do, I hate to feel this way😔 I dream about him every single night and it is the worst that can happen cuz it’s like I can’t move on and I just don’t know what to do im going crazyyy it hurts so I have heard that they have been breaking up and been getting back together also I just don’t get why he does this, it is really toxic😔 Im going insane.. I wonder if my name and our memories cross his mind sometimes, I wonder if he cares maybe a little you know? Or if I ever even meant something to him.. I’m in pieces it hurts so bad😞 im a pisces he’s a taurus and the ex is à aries, is it normal for taurus to act like this ? :/ — aangeldip”

@aangeldip hi dear! I hope you are doing better now. this is not a good situation to be in. I’m sorry you have to suffer through that. but to answer your question, no, it is not normal for a Taurus to act like that. Typically, a Taurus is a reliable, devoted, and stable person. In your situation, it seems that he is none of these. I know you feel upset and hurt, but my advice to you is to try your hardest to get over him. As a Pisces, you are overly trusting, which was part of the problem early on. Although you still had your suspicions, your overly trusting nature allowed for you to be hurt again and again. Clearly his ex needs help. Whatever is going on, is not your fault. I know it will be hard, but try to move on from him. He doesn’t realize what he had with you, and after everything he put you through, you deserve someone better. -Cancer

#our shitty advice #horoscope advice #advice #horoscope #cancer #picses

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viralhottopics · 8 years ago

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39 Cheaters Confess Why They Did It

Found on AskReddit.

1. I was horny, end of story.

I was horny, end of story.

2. I was amazed that guys wanted me and selfishly let myself enjoy it.

I was amazed that guys wanted me and selfishly let myself enjoy it. Until I was cheating for months at a time and realized that if someone told me about a girl doing what I was doing, I’d think she was the scum of the Earth. Broke off both relationships that day and worked on feeling good by myself.

3. Why the fuck do you think? Because I was a piece of shit who wanted to have sex.

I cheated on my first serious girlfriend with another girl for a period of about four months, even after she found about it. She fucking called me or whatever almost every night and screamed and cried and whatever and I still kept doing it.

Why did I do it? Why the fuck do you think? Because I was a piece of shit who wanted to have sex. Everyone in this thread is going to have long, drawn-out explanations about their mental state or whatever, but the fact remains that it’s fundamentally about a lack of self-control. It’s like someone who drinks too much, eats too much, whatever. It’s just being a greasy piece of shit. It’s not that complicated or interesting.

I ended up dating the girl I cheated on my girlfriend with for about 5 years without cheating, then she dumped my ass and was engaged about 6 months later (so, she was probably cheating on me in other words) in case anyone wanted to get some karmic justice out of this story.

4. Because she withheld sex for a year and a half.

I cheated on my ex for a long time because she withheld sex for a year and a half. Obviously, she has a right to say no to sex, as does anybody, but she purposely withheld it for a year and a half because I forgot to clean the shower one day. I don’t know why I stayed with her to be honest and Im not even sorry about it.

5. After five years without a woman’s touch, it does get lonely.

I cheated once. I put myself through the wringer for months. I’ve never cheated on anyone since. I had right too during a bad marriage, I never did. After five years without a woman’s touch, it does get lonely.

6. I love meeting new women and making them orgasm.

I really wish I could settle down with one woman. I have cheated on every single GF I have ever had and two wives. The only woman I never cheated on was married! It lasted 2.5 years and her husband never found out. I am not a sociopath and I feel guilty as hell but I love meeting new women and making them orgasm. After all the practice, I have gotten quite good at that. Still, wish I could stop…

7. I cheated because I like sex, and my husband is not always around to provide it.

I cheated because I like sex, and my husband is not always around to provide it, being away with work (USMC) for months at a time sometimes. I don’t deny being weak willed. The same reason I’m a smoker I imagine.

8. Because I was a terribly selfish person.

Because I was a terribly selfish person. Why I am that way is presumably a combination of genetics and upbringing. Now that I’m older I’m a much better person with much more self-control.

But basically I was young, attractive, and women would basically just offer to sleep with me. Honestly I’m not sure unattractive men can appreciate how hard it is to resist women when they purposefully make themselves available.

9. They were boys and I needed a man.

I cheated on both my boyfriends before I met my husband, who I never cheated on. Why I cheated on the two first ones? They didn’t give me what I needed, despite me asking for it. They were boys and I needed a man. Found someone who fucked me like a man and went for it. Then I met my husband and never looked back.

10. It helped my self-esteem enough to give me the confidence to leave my abuser.

Woman here, was in an abusive relationship that I was frightened to end. Confided in a close friend and we had a short-lived intimate relationship that showed me how kind and respectful people can be and helped my self-esteem enough to give me the confidence to leave my abuser.

I am so thankful that I slept with that friend, it turned my life around for the better.

11. I lost all attraction to my ex (little to begin with).

I lost all attraction to my ex (little to begin with). Didn’t brush his teeth, didn’t want to work out with me, cried a lot over nothing, didn’t shower sometimes or forget to wear deodorant. Then wanted to cuddle or have sex and get mad at me for being disgusted by him because his dick would smell bad.

So after 2 years of that I met my current boyfriend we were friends at first but the attraction was definitely there. At first I just really wanted to fuck him but then I fell for him. Tried to suppress that shit given my ex tried to kill me for talking to my female friends but thought … fuck it.

We were talking one night and I guess he got me to admit that my ex was abusive. He at first didn’t want to be a home wrecker but the fuck it I want you though was his too and holy shit… I knew I wasted 5 years of my life but my current boyfriend showed me everything I was missing.

Then I planned out to get my shit together and leave, he tried to kill me again and stalked me for a while but I think he’s stopped. We are hundreds of miles away so I feel better about it.

Was it right? Probably not, do I care … nope.

12. I was in a bad marriage.

I was in a bad marriage. He refused to get a job and was an emotionally abusive man and always blaming me for the problems we were having. (the big problem was we didn’t have enough money) I suffer from depression and due to all of this fighting it was getting worse.

Out at a gathering of friends I meet a guy and he’s funny and we have lots in common and it was a start of something. And I cheated. I told this guy that I was married and that I was conflicted but he said he wouldn’t push me and that he was interested in me, but wouldn’t do anything I wasn’t comfortable with. But I did it and he was so different from my selfish husband.

This guy helped me get the guts to leave my husband. I told him that I wanted a divorce soon after and this new guy helped me in any way he can. I’m still with him over 4 years later.

I know that what I did wasn’t the best way to go about it. I know I hurt my husband when he found out that I had been cheating, but finding the right person to get me out of the situation and finding someone who really cares about me is the real story.

13. I have come to understand that I am not someone who can be happy in a completely monogamous relationship.

I have cheated in previous relationships. I have come to understand that I am not someone who can be happy in a completely monogamous relationship. And there’s nothing wrong with thatas long as I don’t make monogamous commitments to others that I know I won’t keep.

So while I don’t think I would cheat again, I also wouldn’t enter into a monogamous relationship again. Monogamy makes me feel trapped and anxious and amplifies all my desires to stray. The idea of it (for myselfit works just fine for others) honestly makes me feel sick. When I’m in an open relationship, I feel much more relaxed, and I don’t actually pursue other partners very often. It makes me happy just to know I could if I wanted to.

If you’re looking for an “excuse”I guess I forgive myself for my past cheating partially because it’s so ingrained in our culture that relationships be monogamous. When you’re growing up and starting to explore sex and romance, you’re never encouraged to stop and think about whether monogamy works for you or makes you happy. It’s just the way things are. So I can understand why it took me a while to figure out that it didn’t work for me, and that that didn’t mean I was broken or immoralI just needed a different type of relationship in order to be a good partner. Yes, it would have been better for me to figure that out without cheating, but I honestly don’t know if I would have. Still, I do accept some responsibility.

14. I cheated on my last partner because he was a piece of shit who didn’t let me break up with him.

I cheated on my last partner because he was a piece of shit who didn’t let me break up with him because if I did he would have committed suicide and I didn’t want to feel like it was my fault.

15. I started cheating because I felt trapped.

At first I simply didn’t think about it, when I first started early high school. I was always real nerdy and awkward. Girl showed an interest in me? I jumped at it because it was so rare. Then I grew into my head a little bit more, got some coordination and confidence, and more girls showed interest. So I jumped at those chances too. I didn’t get caught, so I never saw the hurt it could cause. I guess it was just the innocence that I didn’t know what I was doing.

Until I did, I got caught, and I’m sure it hurt her. She became paranoid and eventually abusive and toxic. I’ll never know why we didn’t end it there. I started cheating again because I felt trapped. She threatened to kill herself when I tried ending it, it was my only way to feel like I still had control over my life. This continued for years. I cheat, she gets paranoid, abuses me, I go out and cheat again to reassure myself that I’m still my own person.

I finally got tired and left her and figured that if she killed herself… Well at least I’d be free. She was bluffing though. We went our separate ways.

Now I’m with someone I consider to be the love of.my life, there’s no urge to cheat anymore, but I’m still forever paranoid that karma is going to rip this away from me. But honestly tldr I just didn’t have self-control, and I think that’s what it boils down to in the majority of cases.

16. Took me a long time to learn that monogamy wasn’t really my bag.

I’ve cheated on multiple partners, multiple times. Mostly just because I wanted someone and I could, sometimes because I was lashing out at problems in the relationship. Took me a long time to learn that monogamy wasn’t really my bag. Then got into an open relationship and didn’t enjoy it as much as I thought I would. So basically I’m now pretty confused about what I want.

17. I just felt like I was trapped.

I cheated on my ex of three years. It was a toxic and abusive relationship. He got me to move hours away from my family and I had no one. He had cheated on me before and put me down the whole time, like I just felt like I was trapped. I started confiding in a friend from back home and got very emotionally attached to him without even realizing at first what I was really doing. Then it became obvious I was a lot happier when interacting with said friend than the boyfriend I lived with. I finally ended the relationship, moved back home and started dating him.

We’ve been together for almost 8 months now and let me tell you, it feels so great to even breathe without someone yelling at me about it.

18. I ventured towards a friend that gave me attention, and it was refreshing.

I take full responsibility for cheating and fully understand what I did was terrible and poorly handled. My boyfriend of two years was the center of my family’s whole world. I was severely ill during this time and felt as though his attention and the attention of my family should have been on me, selfish I know. So I ventured towards a friend that gave me attention, and it was refreshing. Our relationship became intimate and lasted for a few months. I ended up telling my bf and we split shortly afterwards.

19. Primarily because there is an instinctive urge to.

The same reason people eat. Not because they need to do that to survive and have energy, but primarily because there is an instinctive urge to. The amount of urge to eat, and cheat, is different for different people.

Cheating in all forms can give someone an advantage over others.

In males, sperm is cheap and it leads to more offspring being left behind.

In females it can allow you to create offspring with the traits you find attractive, while having someone else provide for you or the child that is more capable at that job.

Is this what goes through peoples heads? Of course not, people use contraception. But just as you don’t eat food to stop yourself from dyinginstead because it’s an impulse with an urge and a rewardcheaters are acting on an impulse with an urge and a feeling of reward.

People that feel that urge greater than others might end up overweight, or more promiscuous, and if asked to explain why they do it, they’ll probably try and rationalize it, and maybe there are some real triggers, but it boils down to the feeling they get from it.

That feeling has been naturally selected for. Other social animals cheat, too.

Part of cheating in a social group that remembers faces and gives them reputations is to not be caught. It is advantageous to not be caught. It makes sense you’d get a rush from knowing nobody knows what you’re up to; it means you’re doing it right.

What it’s not is a conscious decision to hurt someone and be selfish. Does it hurt someone, and is it selfish? Yes, but that’s not it exists or people do it. Just as obese people don’t eat to destroy their bodies and the lives of their enablers. They do it because it’s an impulse that they don’t control, for whatever reason.

Other animals without the capacity to think in the capacity we can about concepts like ‘hurt’ or ‘selfishness’ do it too.

20. Sometimes because of crazy attraction, sometimes because of the thrill of it being ‘wrong’ and perverse.

I’ve done it multiple times. In each case, there was someone else that I met and had sexual energy with (But not much energy of any other kind)sometimes because of crazy attraction, sometimes because of the thrill of it being ‘wrong’ and perverse, sometimes because of something elseand we acted on it. Never prolonged, usually just a few times at most. Multiple times, the other party was also in a relationship and cheating as well and in every case, they knew I was in a relationship.

In all cases, no one ever told anyone and no one ever found out. In all cases, it had literally zero affect/impact on my existing relationship and didn’t alter the way I felt about my SO or how we interacted. It just happened and myself and the other party would move on and go back to our relationships and be happy.

Given what I had read and seen in media and online and elsewhere, I kept waiting for some kind of crushing guilt to come down on me or for it to come out or blow up or something. It never did. Didn’t even alter my existing sex life with my partners. Life moved on, it felt good, and then…nothing happened. The reality, which I think most here would find it hard to swallow, is that most adulterous relations are probably like my situation and not like the ones you read about. I think most people who cheat completely get away with it, they keep their mouths shut about it and never bring it up, and nothing ever comes of it.

21. Emotional protection. But it backfired.

Emotional protection. But it backfired.

I had been cheated on by two different people in my life, I got bitter and thought Every woman cheats. So I got into a new relationship (with the best-looking woman I have ever dated) and decided to cheat so that WHEN she cheats I can just be like, ‘ha-ha, I cheated a long time ago.’ So about a month into an “exclusive” relationship I got together with an old GF, then drive right to my new GF’s house and had her do oral on my still dirty self.

She turned out to be he girl of my dreams. I fell in love and got engaged. Things went south 2 weeks before we were to get married.She found out, then cheated on me with her ex-boyfriend2 weeks before I was moving to her city (120 miles away) and getting married.

More and more I realize how amazing of a woman I lost.

22. I like validation and pulling intimacy out of people.

I like validation and pulling intimacy out of people… After a while I know enough about the person I’m with that I get bored and find someone else for fresh validation and intimate knowledge.

I’ve had three long-term relationships that lasted four years each and a lot of experiences (single time, week duration, even months in a few cases) within those three big relationships. Only one of the three do I regret messing up.

Having matured some, I can recognize I’m better off not in a relationship. So far I’ve been good at avoiding getting into a new one for the last 11 months but I know it’ll be easy to slip into old patterns when I reach a lull in life. It’s also exciting to juggle more than one person at a time. I tried an open relationship once, but that gutted a lot of the enjoyment of it. Kind of rambling so

Tldr: manipulative asshole with habitual cheating tendencies 10/10 would do again. Felt bad once, still haunts me 0/10.

23. I was feeling neglected and angry with my boyfriend of three years.

I cheated once, and will probably never do it again. I was feeling neglected and angry with my boyfriend of three years, so I went out and had a fling with some guy I met online to feel empowered instead of doing the decent thing and breaking up. I still cared about him and wanted to make it work but was too scared of being alone.

I felt bad about it for a while, but four months later we did break up, and it came out that he had been cheating on me for the last eight months of the relationship. She thought she was his girlfriend and confronted me, not knowing that I had the prior claim to that title. She dumped him for a week and then took him back.

24. I wasn’t getting his attention because he just discovered and spent his whole time on that.

I cheated on my partner after being with him for a year. I think I did it because I wasn’t getting his attention because he just discovered and spent his whole time on that. Me and this other guy just flirted through texts and msn but then we ended up having sex after 6 months of talking I would texted him when my partner had left my house and mum was out. I regretted it and only happened the once and I cut off contact with the guy a few days later. My partner knew something was going on but denied it all. The guy knew nothing could be said but yet he told his ex who lived 8 hours away and she looked me and my partner up on MySpace and told him everything… it turned out the guy had made a bunch of BS up about us which worked well in my favor because I got to deny it all. I hated myself for what I did I still do. It was a stupid reason to cheat on the guy who I love and who I now have a beautiful child with. I know in the back of his mind he knows what I did. But he got me back kind of by flirting with so many girls but never going to far well that’s what he says but how do I know look at what I did and covered up but we were kids then now we are adults with a child, a house and a wedding coming up. It was 9 years ago now but I think about it and question myself what if this blows up in face. Sometimes I blame my partner sometimes I blame my mum and sister who both cheated. But all I have is to blame myself and my stupid teenage actions. I hope one day I can him what I did that I hated every moment of it but he would never forgive me. I know I could never forgive or forget if he did it to me.

Wow I feel better after bottling it up all time. Thanks.

25. I wasn’t physically attracted to him and I didn’t think that mattered, but in the end, surprise! It does matter.

I cheated on my ex for a lot of reasons. We were engaged and things moved really quickly. I wasn’t physically attracted to him and I didn’t think that mattered, but in the end, surprise! It does matter. My ex drank a lot and refused to help around the house. He was constantly talking to his ex-girlfriend. He never cared about me. We moved to a town that I completely and utterly hated. It just became a prison. I was unhappy all the time. Then I met someone at work who gave a shit. Or seemed to, anyway. I only technically cheated once. Then I felt so bad that I ended things.

26. I have poor self-control and a lack of respect for his feelings and I’m a coward.

Why did I cheat? I have poor self-control and a lack of respect for his feelings and I’m a coward.

The long version is that we’d known each other for years through an online game, I was 16 and attention starved, quite an ugly duckling. He was funny, he made me laugh and I liked him.

We start dating, but it’s long distance. Through the years we only saw each other twice. The first visit was at my place; I wasn’t a social butterfly but I did like to go out and do things. Go to the occasional bar. Go for a picnic. He had anxiety and didn’t want to do much. Whenever I asked it was “I don’t know” with a lot of reluctance. So we stayed inside all summer playing games.

Sex was near impossible, I think it was his anxiety medication but he had a lot of trouble maintaining an erection. I was immature and not very understanding, I took it as an insult against myself.

The second visit was at his and it was just more of the same. I was in university at this point and studying, he was four years older than my 18 and had never had a single job. His life consisted solely of playing video games all day into the am, repeat. No license, no job, no drive.

His personality was a reflection of the limited media he consumed. Everything just went stagnant.

Months passed and I stopped making the effort to talk, he never initiated a conversation, always had an excuse for not even trying to look for a job. I was bored.

But I didn’t do him the courtesy of telling him this and breaking it off. I just cheated and waited till he found out. I couldn’t even bring myself to regret it, I still don’t.

27. I used cheating as an excuse to get out of a relationship instead of just dumping them.

I’ve cheated during five of my seven long- term relationships.

It wasn’t right but I used cheating as an excuse to get out of a relationship instead of just dumping them. I’d cheat, tell them immediately, and then I could just disappear from their lives with little confrontation. Why fight to keep a cheater around?

It was always with this girl I had loved since I came out as a lesbian in grade nine and I couldn’t let her go. This summer while I was single, I made out with her at a party and for the first time in almost 8 years I felt absolutely nothing for her. I’m in a relationship now with someone who treats me way better than she ever did and hopefully I’ve grown up enough that I can talk about relationship issues with my partner instead of just falling into bed with a long-time ex.

28. My ex-husband was a lazy guy who cared more about games and comics than me, the dog, paying bills, etc.

My ex-husband was a lazy guy who cared more about games and comics than me, the dog, paying bills, etc. On top of that, I am an extremely monogamous person, yet he told me I could have sex with another girl (bisexual here) and I could pretend to be a couple with a male friend for cosplay, including kissing.

5 years later I met a man who I could not stay away from. From the moment I met him I was in love, and realized I hadn’t been in love with my husband for years, we just existed in the same space. I became friends with the other guy over a half year period until one night I cheated. The next day I left my ex and have been married to the guy I cheated with for 7 years. I am extremely insecure and while I regret the way I ended my marriage, I would not have left otherwise. I still feel like I just met my SO and love him more every day. I no longer feel bad about it.

29. Because somebody else was also appealing.

Because somebody else was also appealing. There are different things that I was attracted in people, but only with age/ learning about myself/ choosing/ being with a great person I understood that there will always be some small thing I’m attracted to in someone, but I have this great guy at home that satisfies me with sex better than I could have imagined. So now I realized that I was very sexually curious and was looking for different people to satisfy it in different ways. Now, I can just tell my partner that I have this crazy idea or scenario, and I want to try it, and he is totally cool with everything. Communication is the key. I’m open to his offers as well.

30. I simply was bored with them and loved the attention of other guys.

Until my current relationship, I cheated on pretty much every guy I ever dated. I simply was bored with them and loved the attention of other guys. I had a serious problem with being alone. I would have rather been with someone, even if I didn’t like them at all, than be alone. There was only one other guy that I ever dated that I adored. Never cheated on him. He was a total shit bag who cheated on me very frequently so I got everything I deserved for what I did to others. Then, when I met my SO, everything changed. He made me want to be better as a person. I was never bored, I felt loved and just completely content. I can’t even pinpoint what changed. I just know that I have never felt a desire to cheat on him. I’ve never looked back. I was just a piece of shit, attention hungry cheater. No real reason. I was just awful.

31. The thrills, the suspense, but mostly bored and the exciting feeling of conquest.

Why? The thrills, the suspense, but mostly bored and the exciting feeling of conquest.

32. Since he had such little faith in me, I did it anyways.

He told me, I know you’re going to cheat on me. I just know it. Even though I had NEVER done anything to make him think I was. So since he had such little faith in me, I did it anyways.

33. I might lack some basic emotions.

I’ve cheated on all of my girlfriends with multiple girls. Excuse? None really, I enjoy the hunt and succeeding, the sex part is pretty cool too.

I never feel bad, either. I might lack some basic emotions.

34. Some of it is about rebellion, unable to accept love, want validation blah blah blah.

I’ve cheated on probably everyone. I have issues, naturally, some of it is about rebellion, unable to accept love, want validation blah blah blah. But getting caught up in the moment is a thing, often I’m so in the here and now that really nothing else exists.

35. I have antisocial tendencies, which is why I pick up, use, and drop women so easily.

I have cheated on multiple partners in the past without care. Its almost as if when a girl gives me a bit of attention I feel I need to see how far I can go with her, even if I have no feelings or genuine intention of being faithful. This has led to me picking up multiple partners at once, convincing them all that we are soul mates, promising them everything they’ve ever wanted, then manipulating and using them for various things. I realized when I was very young that I do not feel guilt for my actions unless I know there is a strong possibility I could get caught. Even then, its not really even guilt, its just kinda anxiety about getting caught. I have looked into things like Antisocial Personality Disorder, Conduct Disorder, and have read up on Psychopathy & Sociopathy because I feel like am able to relate to those disorders with my thoughts and feelings. I have never been diagnosed with anything but I, as well as some close family have suspected I have antisocial tendencies, which is why I pick up, use, and drop women so easily. It would make sense, because ever since I started dating it just felt natural to hide the real me in relationships, and put on a front of a perfect lover in an attempt to get as much out of the partner as possible.

36. It honestly scares me that I’ll just never be faithful.

I’ve cheated on pretty much every girlfriend I’ve had other than my first adult relationship. I have no clue why I do it. It isn’t some power thing, or control, or just a want for something new, I just do it. I’m always on Instagram or some other site where I see nothing but pictures of women all day and I slowly start liking all their pics, they’ll like mine, then starts the DMing, and eventually turns into, Oh let’s just chill and smoke, and then the rest is history. I don’t enjoy doing it, and since my most recent breakup (due to cheating) I’ve been trying to avoid relationships for this reason. I really hope it’s just a phase or something because it honestly scares me that I’ll just never be faithful. So I guess I never answered your question because I don’t really know. It just happens.

37. I’m afraid that she’ll do it first.

I’m afraid that she’ll do it first. So I do it as a sort of insurance that if something goes wrong or she lets me down, I can always be like, Yeah but I didn’t care anyway. But I do, meh.

38. Why should I stop having sex with new people just because I have a girlfriend?

Because why should I stop having sex with new people just because I have a girlfriend? I would say 60-70% of the guys I know have cheated. I strongly believe the other 15-20% would if they could pull it off. I also know a lot of women who have cheated multiple times on their boyfriends but not nearly as many as the men.

39. The relationship was dead in the water.

I cheated once when I was 19. We’d been dating for almost a year. It got very serious very quickly. He wanted to talk about kids and marriage, where we would live after graduation. We fought about this quite a lot because I felt we were too young and too far away from those things to talk about them. He’d picked out names and wedding venues. He was very introverted, I’m very extroverted. Over time we just stopped going places or talking about anything besides TV shows to watch that night. The relationship was dead in the water, but he was such a sweet guy and he worshiped me. I couldn’t quite pull away because there was nothing really wrong. I’d been in a miserably abusive relationship prior to this so in my mind if he wasn’t hitting me or screaming at me, the relationship was great and I needed to buck up and deal.

I spent the summer traveling around and interning for an NGO, and then one day while laughing and talking with friends over breakfast, it hit me: I was feeling happy. And I had not felt this happy in a long time. This weird glow-y, free feeling was because for the first time in months I was actually enjoying my life.

I kind of glossed over the realization. I had a loving boyfriend back at home who was ready to put a ring on it and call it a day at a moments notice. I decided I just needed to see him again and I’d feel better. We’d work it out and go on.

Then to celebrate at the end of our trip we went dancingand rum happened. And not a little rum. The quantity of rum that makes you beg for the sweet embrace of death the next day. A guy on our trip and I started dancing and one thing led to another. We didn’t have sex, thankfully. But we were making out pretty hot and heavy for a while. The next day I knew that I’d crossed a line and I felt awful. But I also felt all this clarity. Not only did that relationship need to end, I didn’t even feel sad that it was ending. I didn’t love him anymore. We were never going to work out and I’d let it go on too long as it was.

So when I got back to town, I went to his house and explained all that to him in person. Not the cheating, but what led to it. He wanted to jump behind that white picket fence so badly and keep me as close to home as possible, and unfortunately it took me doing something I said I’d never do to realize how much I resented that plan.