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brandyschillace · 1 year ago
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I turned in the book manuscript for INTERMEDIARIES, the forgotten history of the first transgender clinic 1918-1933.
It follows the story of Dora Richter, the first transgender woman to undergo complete MTF surgery (not Lili Elbe; she was third!) It’s taken me two years of blood, sweat, and tears. A lot of tears, actually.
The Nazis raided the Institute for Sexual Science; they burned the library. They banned the books that remained. They attacked, arrested, and ultimately killed trans and homosexual people along with disabled people, minority groups like the Roma people, political opponents, and 6 million Jews. (One commenter suggested 11 million people over all, and really, that estimate may still be conservative).
The news today, 2023, reads a lot like news in 1923 with the rise of hatred against LGBTQ, attacks on reproductive rights, and increasing racism and antisemitism. The Nazis rose throughout the 1920s, coming into power 1930-1933.
The world said never again; we must now be the ones to stop a slide into hatred and violence. Before it’s too late.
Here is a preview of the book; it will be available for pre-order this winter (I hope), coming out in 2024.
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lvemenow · 9 months ago
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ig lee.jeyden
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zweetpea · 7 months ago
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so please imagine if you will…
CW: Babies
Imagine You and Gojo as teens. Him being a total player and you being his “innocent” chaotic junior by a year.
Imagine you’ve got a bit of a rivalry going on. Him with all his... stuff... and you with... let's say with a Nullifying cursed Technique.
Imagine you guys grew up together. You always had an edge on him in a fight up until he unlocked his reversed curse technique during his second year at Jujustu Tech.
Imagine that somewhere in your studies you and Gojo had a heart to heart about your futures. It's late... maybe you guys are pulling an all-nighter. He reveals in a moment of what he perceived as weakness his insecurities being the next head of the Gojo clan brought him. How he didn't feel like he'd ever fall in love. How he knew felt like the higher ups would push an arranged marriage onto him. How he was scared that he wouldn't be a good husband or father. And his biggest fear that any child he did bring into this world would have to face the same hardships he did only without the six eyes to back it up. How he felt guilty for taking that opportunity away from them.
Imagine shifting his head onto your lap in that moment and proposing a deal to him. If you both were single by the time you hit 25 you'd marry each other. That way he wouldn't have to worry about whether or not he'd be a good partner. Or how strong his kids could be. Or what kind of woman the higher ups would try to force him to be with.
Imagine after that day he never went on another date for a decade. waiting for the day you'd get married and he could finally have babies with you to keep the Gojo legacy alive.
Imagine him sabotaging any dates you get over the next decade. Being jealous and possessive of you in front of any guys who might find you attractive. (In his mind it's all of them)
Imagine him never telling you any of this You probably already know
Imagine after a while you move away to pursue a career somewhere else because of how clingy and obsessive Gojo has gotten. Completely forgetting about the promise you made and coincidentally not being able to pursue a real relationship because of being a sorcerer.
Imagine on your 25th birthday you get a text from a random number asking you a bunch of strange questions. "Red velvet's still your favorite cake flavor right?" "Is royal blue and rose gold tacky?" "Is rose gold still your favorite color?" "Out of these options which dress is your favorite?" They're all very short cocktail wedding dressed.
Imagine obviously ignoring this stalker. Going about your day. Maybe getting a few drinks with some friends after their work days were over. And when you uber home a bit tipsy you find someone waiting for you in your living room.
"Sweetheart! You're home! And you're wasted!" Gojo held you and kissed your temple. "Come on let's get you cleaned up and get you to bed."
"Gojo? I'm not drunk I'm just a bit buzzed. How and why are you here?"
"Come on, babe. Call me Satoru! I'm here to celebrate your birthday and our engagement!"
"Huh?"
Imagine how sweet he could be as he picks you up in a princess carry and takes you to the bathroom. Carefully getting you cleaned up and reminding you about your deal, and of course asking if you got his texts. You merely laugh and kiss his cheek.
Imagine how the next morning you wake up and roll over in bed only to come face to chest with him.
"How'd you get in my bed?" You'd smile at him.
"I carried my lovely wife here last night, after she got drunk off her ass."
"I thought I told you to sleep on the couch."
"I was lonely." He'd whine and press his cheek against the top of your head.
Imagine how he'd take care of most of the wedding preparations. (except the dress cause ain't no way you bout to look like some hooker barbie on your big day) And him giving you his mother's wedding ring. Just the two of you and a few close friends having a small, intimate ceremony.
Imagine "Forgetting" to tell the higher ups about the union so they call him in to have a meeting with him telling him that they've selected a woman to be his wife. He laughs in their faces as he pulls out his phone and pulls up a photo of you pregnant with his baby.
Imagine his smirk when they all start to freak out and protest. And oh boy...
Imagine how that smirk falls when one of them suggests that the baby isn't his...
Imagine him coming home all bloody. His smile as wide as ever as he informs you that "It's not mine" or his rather. And how you just hand him some new clothes and push him towards the shower.
Imagine how thrilled he is when he finally gets to hold his baby in his arms. The silent vindication he feels seeing as the baby looks exactly like him.
"I spend 12 hours squeezing you out of my body and you have the audacity to look like your father. You really are a Gojo."
Just please Imagine it all for me if you will
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simplynerdilicious-blog · 8 months ago
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Live-in boyfriend König who only knows on duty or off duty so he just doesn't seem to understand the dynamics of the one day a week you work from home and keeps walking naked on the background of your work calls on his way to the shower to plant a kiss on the top of your head and ask of you wanna join him.
After the third time everyone tacitly agreed that it's ok if your camera stays turned off.
Some co-workers silently mourn this decision.
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brunettecosette · 8 months ago
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Dear body
I am very and truly sorry for hating you for so long
For taunting you with ugly names
For never drinking water
For hurting you with poison and knives
For the violators I couldn’t fight off
I am especially sorry for starving you
And not just once or twice
But for almost half my life
You silently witnessed as
I tested my endurance of pain and deprivation
The pain of your healing reminded me constantly what forgiveness feels like
But then when I did decide to leave you behind in this life
I almost did it too
But you are strong
When I am weak
Secretly I really, really like to sleep
So I never used to do it if I could help it
Sleeping is like death without the commitment
And You know how scared I am of that
But then I remember that
Every single time I fall asleep
You are my good morning
For my whole entire life
I have woken up with you
A patient fulfillment of my obsession
With proof
And I am sorry as even now I dig my nails too deep
I am sorry for not realizing sooner
You are the only home that’s mine to keep
S.M.C.W. 2017
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rs-hawk · 6 months ago
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Master List
This will be consciously updated so check back periodically. Enjoy!
A:
Átahsaiais
Angels
Angel Boyfriend
B
Beast (Beauty and the Beast)
Big Foot
Big Foot Camping
C:
Centaur
Virgin Centaur
Centaur Ranch MtF WLW
Centaur Handjob
Crow Girlfriend
D:
Dragons
Dragon Girlfriend WLW: Part One, Part Two
Dragon Girlfriend Gold Strap WLW
My Brother's Hot Friend (now exclusively on Patreon): Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four
Dragon Guard
Dragon Queen MtF
Dragon Lover Nonbinary
Dwarves
Dwarf Boyfriend
Dwarf Lover
More Dwarf Boyfriend
Demons
Demon Church
Dullahans
Dullahan Boyfriend
Deathclaw
E:
Elves
Elves (Christmas)
Enchanted Armor: Part One, Part Two
F:
Fey
Fey Wife MtF
Fog Monster
G:
General Monsters
Short Monsters
Ancient Spirit
God Lover
God Husband MLM (Disabled Reader): Part One, Part Two, Short
Gorilla-Like/Missing Link Lover
Giants
Hiking Adventure (FtM Reader)
H:
House
I:
Icarus x Apollo: Part One, Short, Part Two
J
K
L:
Loveland Frog
M:
Merpeople
Siren Boyfriend
Octopus Merman
Mishipeshu: Part One
Minotaurs:
Minotaur Husband: Part One, Part Two
Minotaur Neighbor FtM
Nobleman Minotaur: Part One, Part Two, Part Three
Commission: Healer in the Dungeon Male Reader): Part One, Part Two (contains additional Monsters)
N:
Nagas
Naga Husband
Naga Girlfriend
Naga Husband (FtM Reader)
Naga Wife
Nymphs
River Nymph
O:
Orcs
Orc Husband FtM
Orc Mate WLW
Orc X Saytr MLM (third person)
Orc Mate MtF
Oracle Girlfriend
P:
Piasa Bird: Part One, Part Two, Short
Q
R:
Raven Mocker
Robots
Andrew Android
S:
Slime
Straggle
Shapeshifter
T:
Tentacles:
Tentacle House
Pet Tentacle
Two or More Monsters
Vampire and Werewolf Boyfriend (Plus Size Reader)
Vampire and Dragon Girlfriends WLW
Thunderbirds
Thunderbird Lover (on hiatus): Part One
Thunderbird Partner
U
V:
Vampires
Vampire Boyfriend
Vampire Boyfriend FtM
Vampire Boyfriend (Werewolf Girlfriend Reader)
Vampire Boyfriend (Anemic Reader)
W:
Werewolves
Werewolf Girlfriend MtF WLW
Werewolf Boyfriend FtM (MtF Reader)
Werewolf vs Human Boyfriend
Winter Wolf
Bestie's Werewolf Brother (Liwanu): Part One, Part Two, Part Three, Part Four, Part Five, Part Six
Bestie's Werewolf Brother Alt (Ahiga): Part One, Part Two
Witches
Witch Girlfriend
Your Witch
Werehyena (Male Reader)
Writing Tips
Top Ten
Filler and Self Publishing
X
Y:
Yeti
Z
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passionateseadruid · 6 months ago
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not-an-ai · 8 months ago
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We know that Dream was fed raw potatoes in the prison, and nothing else. And in many fanfics, Dream doesn't eat them and they rot, I feel what most people are forgetting is that potatoes are the best vegetable possible. And what do potatoes also do? Grow in weird conditions, like sprouting in your kitchen when you haven't used them in awhile. They grow anywhere. I.e; this meme, thus, I think it is very important to talk about the cell Dream is covered and quite possibly taken over by potatoes. Because eventually the chest and the book thingy would decompress as they are made of wood, and potatoes could grow in/on them, and if you are doing an au where Dream dies in the prison and no one removes his body for whatever reason. When someone finally finds it, potatoes are growing out of it. Or if it is an immortal Dream au, there are potatoes growing in/out of Dream.
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akystaracer22 · 1 year ago
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Maybe in Another Life We Would Hate Each Other a Little Less
A chance encounter sheds a little light on Adam that Lucifer couldn't have predicted, leading to a moment he thought he'd never have with the man.
Notes (Aka my thoughts while writing):
God is a dick and I wanna kill xem
Adam folds his wings like a bird because monkey see monkey do
Both these guys were traumatised by the same person and we don’t talk about it enough
Probably Guitarduck/Adamsapple but in a fledgeling platonic kinda way
Refer to my ref for what Adam looks like!
I listened to Rät while writing this and- it kind of fits Adam???
Jesus is God’s favourite child and it fucking shows
How tf did this become a sickfic????
Lucifer gets the experience of being me whenever I make the impulsive move to boot up Char.ai and talk to literally any of the AI’s, get aunt agonied bitch.
Oh my god Adam has middle child syndrome.
Can you tell I attended a Christian school when I was younger???
Adam was hiding just how fucked over he was from the wing rot but he’s not having a good time in this. Most of the latter half of the oneshot is him dazed from both the one set of wing rot and the feeling of someone touching his wing.
Shit emergency wing HC for Adam ig: His wings grow warmer corresponding to his mood, as in when he is in general happier his wings radiate warmth and when he’s in a foul mood they’re just normal or even a little cooler.
In saying that yes Lucifer’s wings glow when he’s happy
Word Count: 1902
Fic under cut!
“Fucking- Shit!”
Lucifer paused, looking behind him and backing up to peek through the crack in the door. This ought to be good.
Sure enough, he was right, this was entertaining.
Adam was ranting again.
Honestly it was a nearly daily thing by this point, probably the only good thing about his daughters decision to let Adam stay at the hotel. He loved his daughter, he really did, by Adam was… Adam.
Lucifer knew he was a lost cause.
But still, didn’t mean Lucifer couldn’t tease the hell out of the man since he was stuck down here with the rest of them.
Lucifer’s smirk at watching the first man rant quickly died as he took in the guys appearance, he looked…
“What is wrong with your wings.”
Adam jerked and twisted around, scowling at him and oops he said that out loud didn’t he.
“Piss off!”
Lucifer, in his typical fashion, did not piss off and instead entered the room, “No seriously what is wrong with your wings.”
Now that he was closer, the king was certain they didn’t look like that a week ago. The feathers, while already having looked like a wreck were duller and the colours seemed almost… muted. Ignoring the already horrific state Adam’s wing were in, they shouldn’t look THAT bad so why…
“Wait-”
“I said-!”
“Have you not been preening you wings?”
Adam went silent, staring wide eyed at Lucifer much to the kings confusion. A beat passed, then two.
“What the fuck is preening?”
Lucifer blinked, he wasn’t serious, was he?
Surely not.
.
.
.
“By the heavens you’re dead serious.”
“What the fuck are you talking about.”
Lucifer debated whether he should explain it or not. On one hand, it’s Adam. On the other, Wings were a serious thing. He’d even seen Husker cleaning his wings from time to time, for Adam to just not know…
“You know what? For once my hatred of you is outweighed by my need to show you what’s what,” The fallen seraphim huffed, closing the door behind him and summoning a chair to block it from the outside so Adam couldn’t escape. “Come on we’re fixing this travesty.”
“What part of fuck off you do you not understand?!” The first man snapped, his wings mantling as Lucifer rifled through the closet, dragging out one of the many jars of oil he’d had the foresight to put in most of the rooms, perks of being a guy with basic common sense.
“The part where you’re being stupid and my daughter started rubbing off on me,” Lucifer shot back, his own wings serving well to corral Adam towards the bed, “How you don’t know how to preen your wings is beyond me but that’s ending today.”
“Again- what are you blabbering about.”
Lucifer paused, hand hovering just over Adams feathers. Preening someone elses wings was… intimate. It was something reserved for friends, family, lovers, and stuff… not enemies. Was he really going to just go ahead and clean Adams wings for him?
The seraphim’s eyes flicked over to where the ruined wing was draped over the bed. The wing was already in bad enough shape as it was, if he didn’t do this then wing rot was bound to hit it at some point and-
He didn’t really have a choice, not if he didn’t want to watch someone die of wing rot again.
Adam went stiff under Lucifers touch as he started work on the mans functioning wing, it was the easiest to work with, not the mention the safest to start with. The injured wing would no doubt be sensitive to any interaction, so better to start small.
Ish.
Adam shuddered as Lucifer moved between feather’s, periodically reapplying preening oil as he went. He was right as usual, looking closer most of the barbules had been separated and needed to be locked together again. Grimacing, the seraphim gently scratched out what looked like dried blood from where it was hidden in the base of Adam’s Secondary coverts.
“What are you doing?” Adam whispered, his voice for once lacking it’s usual bite. Lucifer paused for a second in confusion before Adam’s wing flexed back into Lucifer’s hand, “Don’t stop!”
“Okay okay!” The king huffed, working on his primaries, “What I’m doing is called preening. It’s something beings with feathers do to clean them.”
“Like birds?”
“Yeah, like birds,” Lucifer agreed, “The oil helps take care of bacteria, but you got to realign the feathers, get rid of the ones ready to moult, and fix the feathers that are out of sorts, though you can just shake the feathers to do that part quicker.”
“Mhm”
Lucifer shifted over to finally tackle the ruined wing and froze, a chill slinking down his spine. As he took in the state of the tattered appendage.
“Shit.”
This close the seraphim could see the red pimples under the thinning layer of feathers surrounding the injury, it was wing rot in its early stages.
“What?”
“Nothing!” Lucifer dove his fingers into the scapulars to shut Adam up while he discreetly conjured up some disinfectant for the rot, if he’s lucky he can treat it now and just get Charlie or Vaggie to deal with it now, knock it over the head before it becomes so visible the others can notice. He ignored Adam’s breath hitching as the seraphim started, just as predicted, the wing was sensitive from the damage done to it.
“But seriously you need to do this more, this is just horrific,” Lucifer grumbled to himself, not really caring if Adam listened, “Honestly I’m surprised this hasn’t happened to you before!”
“Mmmm tried once… I think?”
Lucifer, glanced at Adam’s face, it was pointed away from him, but he could still sense Adam’s attention was on him, “Yeah?”
“Saw the birds doin’ it and tried to copy ‘em,” Adam continued at the prompt, spreading his other wing, “It hurt so I stopped, didn’ know there was a method to this shit or someth’n.”
“You… nobody even tried to teach you?”
“I think they thought I knew,” Adam chuckled sourly, “I think they thought I fu’kin knew how to just- do this. ‘Cause I was meant to right?!” Another laugh, “I bit the fu’kin apple so I shou’da known this kinda shit! Apple of knowl’dge or what’ver.”
Lucifer, wisely, didn’t say anything, he just kept working on Adam’s ruined wing, applying the disinfectant, and fixing what few feathers were still healthy and removing the rest. If it was anyone else in this situation he’s wrap the wing and tell them to rest but… it was still Adam that was in this mess.
“I- why didn’t they teach me? Luci why didn’t they teach me this shit?”
“I… don’t know,” Lucifer replied carefully, deliberately skipping over the butchering of his name that sounded way to close to a nickname for comfort, “Come on, up you get he still got the underside to finish then I’ll be out.”
Adam grumbled but complied, sitting up a little to turn around as Lucifer summoned a pillow for Adam to lean back on. Rolling his neck Lucifer got to work on the auxiliary feathers, the lighter feathers were definitely in better shape, but then again that wasn’t exactly a high bar, and they still were looking rough.
“Jesus was prob’bly taught how to preen himself.”
Lucifer’s shoulders hitched as his wings tucked in against his back abruptly. Jesus… was a rough topic. For all sinners talked about him, Lucifer never met him but from the sinners around that time… it was never a fun conversation. Pretentious once kings cursing his name while hopeless commoners lined up for the exorcists blade, faithful until the end that Jesus would let them into heaven if they just believed in him.
… there was a pattern in there, wasn’t there. Like father like son, he supposed.
“Jesus was made from me and yet he’s God’s favourite fukin kid, course he’d fucking know how to preen,” Adam continued unimpeded, “Doesn’t matter if I was Gods first- Jesus was always fucking better than me.”
Okay! Lucifer was in no way prepared for this conversation, but he highly doubted Adam was even going to remember this conversation, so he just focused on the wings.
“…Luci, do they all hate me?”
Lucifer sincerely wished Anthony, or just anyone really would bust down the door at this moment, at least then he could get himself out of this conversation.
“Why do you think that?” the seraphim deflected, moving onto Adam’s good wing and going through his coverts.
“Because none of them ever fucking did this,” Adam waved his hand haphazardly before letting it rest on his chest, “You’re my enemy but you’re fixin’ my fu’kin wings because I’m too stupid and useless to just figure it out myself.”
“Not useless,” The words left Lucifer’s lips without his input, damn himself to double hell, but it managed to shut up Adam, so he kept on the thought train, “You’re not useless you were just never taught, it’s not your fault heaven doesn’t think.”
“Jesus-”
“Is God’s prodigal son and shouldn’t be counted.”
Adam huffed and leaned back on the pillow, “Why’re you good at this?”
“I’ve had aeon’s to learn, and over a decade of putting it in practice,” Lucifer thought about his daughter, a small smile making it’s way into his expression, she really was the best thing to happen to him.
He finished up with Adams good wing and moved onto finishing off the wrecked one. Applying the disinfectant to the infected spots on the underside before reaching for the preening oil again.
“Y’know, maybe in another life we would’ve hated each other less.”
Lucifer just laughed and started preening the wing, yeah right, maybe in a reality where the apple incident never happened, “You’re sick Adam, feverish even.”
“And you’re a wife-stealer.”
“Should have been better in bed.”
“Fuck you,”
Lucifer stuck his tongue out at the first man, earning a tired chuckle. Then the seraphim blinked at the sudden warmth radiating out from the feathers. What in the-?
“Oh… they haven’t done that in a while.”
Lucifer blinked up at Adam who was staring at his feathers in amazement, “Ackde-whuh?”
Adam leaned back and closed his eyes, “Yeah… sometimes they just get warm all of a sudden it’s weird. Hasn’t happened in a while though. Apparently it sometimes happened when Lute was around? I dunno why.”
Lucifer blinked a couple of times before letting out a small “huh” and running a hand through the ruined wing, it was definitely warmer.
Sighing, Lucifer let his hand fall away despite the wing chasing it, “Alright well your wings are definitely cleaner now, so I’ll be out of your hair now.”
The seraphim stood up to leave through the balcony, opening the window and almost stepping out when Adam called after him, still sounding exhausted.
“I can see why they left me for you.”
Lucifer paused, before smiling sardonically and looking back at Adam, who looked like he might have just passed out.
“Tell me that when you’re not delusional from illness and I might believe you.”
With that, Lucifer stepped out and left for his own room… though, if Adam woke up to a small plush duck on his nightstand, that was between Lucifer and the god that cast him down.
But there is one thing Lucifer will admit.
Maybe Charlie wasn't wrong about thinking Adam could be redeemed.
Pings:
@sleepy-hijinx @whatataha @cyborg0109 @birbisanon @legogator @overlord-rey @luckyburgerz @spiny-dogfishes @justakidicarus
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feychannel · 6 months ago
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So you want to play an indie otome or dating sim but don't know where to start...
Like the title says, I wanted to make a rec list for those who are more interested in indie otomes but don’t necessarily know where to start! So for those who saw the latest Nintendo Direct or maybe those who’ve just always wanted to try something new, this list is for y’all. I’ve immensely enjoyed every single title (and hope y’all do too). Without further ado... here's the short list!
Changeling by @steamberrystudio (and their sci-fi spiritual successor, Gilded Shadows): Liked "Buffy," but thought it needed more Faes? Changeling is exactly the type of contemporary otome you want and needed in your life yesterday. With several wonderful young men to romance, and an intriguing plotline that references fae mythology, you'll be set!
The Rose of Segunda: Liked Bridgerton? Thought it needed an even longer gala than canon? Then RoS (and its amazing sequel, "Thorns of War") by @blackcross-taylor is the game to play! I've been impressed with how this studio weaves political intrigue into the very plot, and how it commits to the stories it creates.
Band Camp Boyfriend: Somehow, this game is both a 00's sitcom and a thriller all in one (with all the drama of a gripping telenovela in some routes). If you missed summer camp, marching band, and/or just want to know what that's like, check out this delightful title by @lovebirdgames
3 Seasons: We love a woman with melanin!! But in all seriousness, the concept of a young woman applying for a job, only to find out she's the next Spring Spirit is delightful. Note: this is a free title (but the developer @hamiltonhour accepts payment on their itch).
Magical Warrior Diamond Heart: Precure meets Sailor Moon meets the sweetest otome!! In this house we love Valerie and her zany crew. @magicalwarriordiamondheart has truly outdone themselves with each update; the common route is free, but the developer has a Patreon you can support!
Herotome: I would be amiss if I didn't mention my current favorite superhero-themed otome, where your lovely protagonist will face pivotal choices in their quest to become a hero! While only the demo is out so far (just so y'all aren't expecting the full product), developer @herotome is a delight to follow with all their updates!!
Honorable mentions: Twisted Carnival, Titan Arum (warning: both titles contain more horror than the average otome), and Arcardia Fallen
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lvemenow · 7 months ago
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Sable the DIY queen🧵🌱 ig lee.jeyden
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fallingapart2dream · 1 month ago
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So much agony in your heart. Offer me a plate of your pain for it hurts me to see you suffering alone. Darling, let me suffer with you.
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simplynerdilicious-blog · 9 months ago
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A quiet evening in the Creed household.
"You know," you say stopping the circular motion of the spoon you have been swirling in your dessert for the past five minutes and pointing towards the big man sprawled across the other side of the couch " they keep warning me about you Vic... the man he's a psychopath, you should know better, he's dangerous, yap yap yap..." You hear a very faint "hmmh" as he barely looks up at you from the bag of chips he's eating very nonchalantely: "Well, glad to hear I am not the only one you don't listen to".
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sakura-hayashii · 1 year ago
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02.26.24 - 1:28 pm
i was drunk on your love… and now that im sober… i realize it probably was never real from the start. im just another driver who missed the exit sign on the highway to heartbreak.
- S.H. // things ive never said #14 (via 2amthoughts)
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rspoetry · 2 months ago
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When you leave a wound untreated, it heals.
Of course, it’s harder for it to happen,
But it will eventually.
The thing is,
The untreated skin where the wound once was,
Is never going to be the same.
It will break more easily,
And it will take even longer to heal.
It will keep breaking over and over again until you decide to acknowledge that it needs treatment,
Until you acknowledge that it’s hurting you.
You can’t heal if you decide to just ignore what hurts.
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