#and if he were a real person i would hate him so gd much for some of the shit he does

[ruelpsen]

I regret to inform you that my fave is getting bodied again in another poll

[suzukiblu]

I was reading some of your old young justice fics on AO3 (all amazing as always omggg I want to eat your writing) and was wondering if you still ship Kon with Kaldur?

Yes, and I will NEVER get over the fact that a) the fandom was not even an IOTA as interested in Kaldur/Conner as it would've been if Kaldur had been Garth or Roy or literally any gd white dude, and b) that the SHOW did not commit to making Kaldur and Conner codependent ride-or-die besties unto the fucking apocalypse, given how their relationship first started. Kaldur should ABSOLUTELY have been more important to Conner than he was treated as being and vice fucking versa, as far as I'm concerned. Of course Conner would imprint on his first-met independent person! Of course Kaldur would feel responsible for his newborn new friend!! Of course they'd both get weird about each other!!!! OF COURSE THEY'D BOTH HAVE DADDY ISSUES!!!!!!!!

The het ships that no one even cared about were more popular in fandom than Kaldur/Conner ever was from what I saw, despite the fact that Kaldur is the first person Conner both actually sees AND physically touches--via being mind-controlled into PUNCHING HIM ACROSS A CREEPY BASEMENT LAB, and isn't that fucked UP?!--and also the one who specifically got through to him of the initial trio who met him in Cadmus, AND is a very chill and patient and serious-minded, calming presence who will actually fucking meet you where you're at, and also DESERVES someone who is a real ride-or-die full-loyalty-nonstop type to get angry on his behalf. Those two's personalities would be SO much more interesting together than "teehee bubbly alien LARPs being human to avoid her problems and drags Conner along for the ride even when he fucking SAYS he hates it!!", ffs.

( like, I like M'gann, but LORD did they handle her and Conner's . . . EVERYTHING so, so poorly, and it only ever got WORSE, from what I've heard. )

And really Kaldur just deserved so much more screentime and emotional development and like, ANY attention from fandom, imho. I wanted to write way more for them than I did, but the total lack of other fans of the ship around just sucked out all the fun and inspo.

[jellybeanium124]

TUA 4x05 reaction

I'm sorry... are lila and five gonna be stuck on the subway for six years five months and two days... jesus. if I had a nickel for every time five got stuck somewhere hellish I'd have two nickels which isn't a lot and frankly it's not that weird that it happened twice

lila is gonna want nothing more than normal after this

fuck... 6 years without a shower or toilet coz there ain't either of those on the subway. icky. well. five's done it before.

imagine telling early season 2 five that he'd eventually be stuck on a magic subway with lila for six years. imagine telling early season 2 lila.

they are gonna be weirdly codependent after this

klaus. burn the coffin. dig up thru the dirt. light that shit on fire. worst comes to worst and you die and come back

this season's also been way more gore intense than any of the others, methinks

if five and lila kiss I'm gonna release the wasps

they keep calling the umbrellas kids even tho ben, the youngest, is canonically 35. 35!! and gene and jean and sy keep calling him a boy. he is in his 30s. diego, 4 months older than him, has 3 fucking kids. bruh

ghost dog!! sure!! lmao

claire sees her mom be a badass for the first time :o I love that trope when a kid sees their parent being a total badass for the first time and it completely upturns their worldview lol

diego meeting a walking object lesson is ok. because sometimes people need to meet a walking object lesson sabhdjf

DIEGO LEARNED PUNJABI 😭😭😭 BRUHH...

man I want that cable knit sweater five is wearing

I stg if lila/five becomes a thing I'M gonna be the one vomiting bc what the hell

that is NOT the kind of enemies-to-lovers I want 😭

I literally said "stop" out loud

hey guys would it make me a horrible person if I would've prefered major character death

why was there so much kissing

ELEVATOR FIGHT ELEVATOR FIGHT!!

rip funny elevator fight. anyways get those bitches, luther

WHY DID LUTHER HAVE TEAR-AWAY PANTS 😭😂

luther only owns tear-away suits. for stripping. I love him. anyone who hated luther ever is wrong

the entire season everyone is fatshaming diego for having a straight up not-even-visible tummy. then his shirt comes off and he has a six pack. bruh.

ritu and aidan are screaming for help. obviously. I am looking at them and someone needs to help. who decided that five and lila should lose focus and have a consensual workplace relationship

I'm barely fuckin joking adain and ritu were clearly having the time of their lives together in s2 and s3 but adain is delivering his lines like he wishes he was doing literally anything else

oh jesus five, don't electrocute yourself on the track

ive. you gotta tell lila about the book you found from yourself left for you. dude. for the love of fuck.

why is five talking like lila owes him?? you really are acting your age, old man. she doesn't owe you shit just coz you held her when she was sad

reg is literally buttering viktor up just like he did with klaus last season

jennifer disappeared??

nope nevermind

OH FUCK. SY IS AN ALIEN. LIKE REG. SAME ALIEN. SHIIIIT

HE'S ABGAIL?!?!?!

oh my gd so sy was a real guy who abagail killed and scooped out to wear as a skin suit. so that's why "sy" had the marigold.

[ca-suffit]

I hate that you are right (affectionately ) but there something really ''funny'' happening since they officially presented Nicolas and the actor playing him.I can already see the excitement for Lestat first (on screen) white male interest.

It's not really about Lestat this season but all they do is center everything around him, since the photos of the next episode came out people have already forgotten everything else. It gives me a glimpse of what's going to happen in season 3 and I can already say that I will probably drop the series.The fact that the showrunner says he accepted the series just so he could adapt The Vampire Lestat book is a red flag.Also the more I learn about Anne Rice the more I regret even starting the show.

I should still point out that I don't hate Lestat or Sam I know he's popular,it's just his fans.

I also don't hate Lestat or Sam, but this is the lie that white fandom has to keep pushing to victimize themselves. Ur noticing how often white characters take over the tags, it happens every time. The first Loumand kiss we got (when it was still a bts video) barely existed but a single still of Lestat got posted by everyone for *weeks*. A lot of ppl's engagement with stuff they promise isn't racially motivated and is "the books" rly is about how much whiteness is present. It's prbly gonna be insufferable here after the next episode. There's already constant shitting on Armand with the "it's not racism, it's the books" excuse. Nicki is also a huge asshole, do u think we're gonna hear about that tho lol? It's so easy to discuss all these characters and plots without having to victimize urself. U can tell who is part of white fandom by who can't write anything without paragraphs of a disclosure about how this isn't about race. Everything is about race lol. Maybe if u got comfortable talking about it u'd learn it's easy to do without being racist about it gd?? "Noticing race is the real racism" mfers, Anne Rice made everyone stupid as hell.

I don't think wanting to adapt TVL is a red flag itself without seeing what's done with it. Obviously, watch to ur comfort level but I'm just saying for my opinion. What they've created so far is not something that paints Lestat in the best light and I'm v doubtful they'd undo all that when they already went there in the first place. I'm waiting to see where they're going with this before I decide what I'm doing. AMC is known for telling stories about fucked up white guys, I don't see them suddenly making Lestat a whole different man once it's his version of himself. The point of all of them is that everyone is flawed and we all think the best of ourselves. How we're seeing Louis, Daniel, and Armand rn is how I also think we'll be seeing Lestat. The show so far isn't picking a side on these things happening, it's showing different angles of ppl and saying it's up to u how to feel about it. White fandom is waiting for him to get a whole character retcon because they're used to Anne Rice telling stories like that but it's doubtful that's what AMC is gonna do. He might grow as a person over time but I don't think they're gonna show up on day 1 and say "so S1 and S2 were a lie" in any serious way. That would be rly offensive to the audience and pointless to the plot as well. "It was alllll a dream" kind of shit.

[dearweirdme]

to be frank, i am glad the jennie/tae situation is over and you can see the switch in taehyung’s outside perception again. That rumor costed Taehyung a positive solo debut and created a bad narrative around him. I’ve been observing people’s reactions (not just ARMYs but Koreans in general) towards the dating rumors since it started and it only affected him negatively.

J*nnie has always been a polarizing person in the industry more so now than ever. She’s always been involved in controversies either about her partying lifestyle, lazy performances or rude attitude. His involvement w her (real or not) did nothing but paint him in a negative light. they would associate him with her every time she had a controversy. During that p*rn series of hers they would involve T*ehyung about his “girlfriend trashy behavior”, then during her whole recent lazy scandal they would say Taehyung is with someone that doesn’t seem to put energy or passion to their job as opposed to him who’s always been known for his good performance skills. And during GD dr*gs scandal they were trying to involve him and BTS by linking him with Jennie who used to date GD and still hangs out with majority of his friends.

It was terrible for him. It switched the way a lot of people (mostly gp) perceives Taehyung as a person because it put into question his character and is not false that bp is a polarizing group in sk and the majority of armys don’t like bp not just for the fandom being awful to bts but because they in general hold a very terrible image and you can tell there’s not love or passion for the work that they do. just 4 airheads that keep taking ownership of the things bts worked for as a group.

i personally saw so many negative media articles about taehyung during that period in a way i’ve never seen before. He’s always been liked by the media. and now that the break up articles came up, i am starting to see Taehyung trending on naver for good positive things again such as how good he looks with his buzzcut or how great he was at the variety show. that relationship with jennie did nothing but bring him down and i am glad he can finally be free.

Hi anon!

Mmm, I think it's very much a point of perspective (and I don't really follow BP, so I'm not sure if I see this correctly). Army generally does not like BP (or maybe moreso Blinks) much. At least, the loudest voices don't really seem to get allong, because I'm sure there's also many Army who do like BP as well.

So from an Army perspective.. BP is the source of all evil in many cases. From a BP prspective, this would probably be the other way around. It's a competion based rivalry I think.. both fanbases wanting theirs to be the Kpop group that get's to be the biggest. Whether this rivalry also exists between Bp members and BTS members themselves is doubtfull I think.

Pairing Tae and Jennie for this was basically the ultimate attention grab... can we actually think of a pairing that would have more of an impact (Kpop wise)? Did they hope for Tae's image to rub of on Jennie? Did that blow up in their faces a bit? Do they see this as a succesfull stunt right now? I do feel it's possible the stunt was pulled before it actually was supposed to. After Paris things got chaotic real fast... and there was definitely more hate than positivity going around. Talking about the amount of attention they got, I'd say they deem it succesfull.. the quality of attention was not that great, but I think that was of lesser concern. Tae is wonderfull, so the possible damage that has been done to his image will be mended in no time.

I am very glad there was an actual visible ending right before his enlistment. This gives a certain level of peace for fandom and I think for Tae personally it must've been some sort of relieve. Jennie wont be blamed for cheating while he's away. And when Tae returns.. all of this will be long gone.

[stackslip]

Thoughts on wrestlemania night ☝️

overall notes: gd i wish this were at any other hour than in the middle of the night for me. the stage is a downgrade from last year. the crowds felt low but i guess it's because of the stadium acoustics, which sucks bc it needs a very loud crowd. the actual filming and production was honestly quite good, a lot of great purposefully chosen shots. lil wayne didn't serve much.

Rhea VS Becky: excellent opener. the fight felt vicious, personal. rhea imo is at her best when she's threatened and unhinged, and becky really took as much from her as possible. it was real good and i loved the entrances. wish it had been ten minutes longer tbh.

Tag team ladder match: I expected very little going in so i was incredibly surprised as how much fun it was. an absolute riot. the right winners too tbh, truth in particular deserved it! wonder where it's gonna lead the judgement day. but g-d please give the new day something good :(

3 on 3 lucha match: eh. i was interested in the story but the match itself wasn't..... exceptional, and the ending with the random football players from philly had me scratching my head.

Jey VS Jimmy: by far my most bitter disappointment of the night. the video package was ten times more exciting than the match itself. my biggest fear for an uso vs uso match was the idea that they'd just do superkicks and like three moves in total, and that's what it ended up being. the crowd was dying in real time. jey's expressions are top notch and jimmy.... jimmy was good but i wanted him to do something less predictable than begging for mercy only to betray jey (eh). like this needed something far more. not only was it short, but i was practically *relieved* that it was because i felt embarassed for them! the crowd was dying in real time and so was i. gd i was waiting for this so so much and it ended up being so poor it actually breaks my heart.

Sami VS Gunther: the buildup for this matchup was short and sami had been passed over many times recently so I'm not gonna lie--I went in believing sami was absolutely gonna get fucked over and that gunther would inevitably retain. never been more pleased to be wrong. the entrance was fucking incredible and set me up for the rest. gunther was legit fucking great, wild to see him lose his composure. the parallels to last year's elimination chamber match were fantastic. sami's every move made me BELIEVE. excellent ending. i was deeply emo by the end and it perked me right back up from the previous match.

3 on 3 women's match: short but sweet. wish it had more of a story behind it, wish bianca had a personality besides being strong. but hot damn if she isn't GOOD at what she does. athletic as fuck. asuka's makeup ruled. damage ctrl didn't shine much this match but it's bc its real purpose was very obviously to introduce jade. was worried about how jade would work--she apparently still needs a lot of in ring training. but they used her like they'd used early roman in the shield: she comes out not nearly as much as the other two but is used as a nuclear bomb. incredible finisher tbh.

the rock and roman VS cody and seth: ok let me start by saying that i have not followed the buildup as assiduously as i'd hoped, in part because i fucking hate the rock and his shtick. i do not find him charming or fun. he sucks. imo he brought down the level of a lot of the lines and storytelling til then. i also didn't expect him to do much in the ring. i was mostly waiting for tomorrow. imagine my shock when this match is not only good, but REALLY good. like, every single one played their role to perfection. it devolved into an absolute riot of a match. seth was imo the one who made it all cohere and he pulled a hell of a performance. the rock was a lot better than i expected. cody and roman, whenever it's just the two of them, fucking *shine* and i could watch them forever--the rhythm accelerates, they feel like proper archrivals with insane chemistry. roman did everything i hoped he would: he writhed, he whined, he snarled, he looked pathetic and sad and he fucked up multiple times, he was gay as hell with cody and seth. considering how physically intense this night was, i'm exciting tomorrow night to be less of a match and more of a fucking riot where half of wwe comes out to fight the bloodline and roman's kingdom crumbles as cody claims the crown. anyhow i think that after this roman should spend a few months whining with a haunted look in his eyes as he sinks to new pathetic rock bottom (meant in every sense of the term) lows. maybe cody could get him as a pet and promise to fix him, since all roman's really wanted was a group to belong to who'd protect him. maybe cody could fuck him. maybe roman could become a communal *GETS GAGGED AND DRAGGED OFF THE STAGE*

[yikesharringrove]

Okay fuckers episode 5.

The sound design of this season is the best of all the seasons. They’ve taken some cues from the soundtrack of horror movies and I think they’ve created a soundscape that’s super intriguing.

Stranger things has a habit of going for body horror and gore and just. Not hitting the mark. They don’t make it gross enough or they don’t really take the time to show the damage. Like the kid that gets vecna’d over the water, they don’t relish those scenes of his body being fucked is when they should. I want these people to be having videodrome or re-animator level fucked up deaths.

(Merlin and I spent hours last night talking abt this and we were both saying season 3 would’ve been totally improved by upping the disgust factor in the meat monster by having it LOOK like it was made of body parts. Like if there were recognizable limbs and shit or if the characters made comments on the rotten horrifying smell of it. Think Tusk)

I also am just sick of cgi. What makes old school horror movies so scary and revolting is how real practical effects look. I know you can’t really crumple someone up like Vecna does without creating a fake body and that’s expensive and difficult, but it looks so much better

I’m still loving the scary vibes, especially the haunted house kinda thing but I just really really miss the season 1 low budget b horror energy. The show has lost all the things that made it really stand out to me as something exciting in the beginning

Notes:

I literally dread the moment someone in the California gang suggests going to Utah. It’s probably to use Suzie’s radio and I’m gonna throw up when they cross that state line.

Why is el constantly wearing like twelve layers of clothing

Idk this Nina project thing is giving me bad vibes

NO FUCKING WAY

Dude Bren we was fucking killed WHAT is going on I don’t need this I don’t want this

This man makes my fucking skin crawl “let us work together, daughter and papa” BITCH EW

Bro how many times is this child gonna be traumatized before I can sleep again????

Let hopper rest challenge

“I have a family, I have three kids waiting for me” YES YOU DO, JOYCE. THREE OF THEM I’m getting emosh

Eddie slamming his way through this house like he isn’t a murder suspect

NOT STEVE CURLED UP ON THAT CHAIR LIKE A LITTLE KITTY I love him I love him he’s perfect in every way someone please send me a high res photo of this (and I ignore my dirty laptop screen)

“Cold beer would really calm my jangled nerves”

Lmao Ted telling these kids to fuck off

Max literally listening to ONLY kate bush and ridiculous volumes that’s the vibe

HOLLY IS SO FUCKING GROWN WHAT

Loving Max’s shitty art skills

“Maybe the answer is somewhere in this incredibly vague drawing. God, we need Will.” I actually love this. How wills drawings were so important to figuring shit out in season 2 and max is trying to use that same process but she’s terrible at art bc she’s just a person love this I don’t know why it’s just making my heart happy

Nancy origami-ing this house together. Lowkey would’ve lost my shit if that had been Steve putting it all together. He needs a moment to be smart and I think something visual like this could really be in his wheelhouse. I’m gonna do a fic where it’s Steve that puts it all together

Also bc I could totally see him and tommy and Carol daring each other to go into the Creel house and shit (Ted bundy had a house in my home town and we used to dare each other to go to the porch and knock on the door and shit and Hawkins kids would totally be the same)

WAIT DID THEY SHAVE ELS HEAD AGAIN OR IS THIS A FLASHBACK??? I hate flashback story telling it’s so fucking confusing gd

Is this a truama response? I guess. Bro idk what’s going on

What is with those weird little shoes the older kids have on?

Okay this plastic face bitch needs to get out of my face I literally can’t stay him he’s like fucking Michael Langdon I wanna punch him

STOP calling her sleepyhead I can’t deal

I’m kind of here for this sucked up time loop though

NOT THESE FRUITS BURYING A BODY

Will is literally using a hoe to dig he’s a nightmare

Obsessed with argyle’s very real reaction

Lmao D.A.R.E. Officer will

I KNEW something was gonna be hidden in the pen these guys suck

Some of these Russian guys are super hot and for WHAT

WAIT SO MUCH OF WHAT I HEADCANONED FOR HOPPERS BACKSTORY WAS JUST MADE CANON him fighting in Vietnam (I mean that obv) but it being spurred on by his shitty father that ‘thinks he’s a piece of shit’ I mean. I’ve written shit where billy and hop bind over their fucked up dads and the way we REALLY could’ve had hop seeing through Billy’s facade I’m gonna scream

This agent orange story is so so fucked up and the way that this is REAL are you kidding? I’m freaking out

Oh rip Sarah

THEY DO NEED YOU HOP AND YOU NEED THEM IT GOES BOTH WAYS

I’m gonna cry omg

Oh Christ Chrissy’s mom can fuck RIGHT off

I have to say the music they use when someone sees the clock, and the chimes are like bassed up and slowed it’s really cool

Jason needs to fuck off i fucking can’t with him

Stupid fucking Jason writing reefer ricks instead of reefer rick’s

“Should I knock? See if anybody’s home?” Steve you just pried off the wood that was keeping this place boarded up

“I found a key” queen of chaos robin Buckley

Thank god Steve has the limbs of a giraffe so someone in this group could reach the knob

Okay but Steve’s blank look when Dustin “do you need to be told everything? You’re not a child”joe keery sometimes just goes so dead in the eyes sometimes and it’s my favorite thing in the world

Also “thank you” “you’re welcome” he’s my baby boy I love him

“Why’s this wizard obsessed with clocks?” Idk Steve why am I obsessed with you? Sometimes people are just obsessed with things

Let Steve hit Dustin over the head like real brothers would challenge

“Why’d you sigh?” “I didn’t sigh, just come on dude” love Steve playing this off like it wasn’t the biggest most dramatic sigh in the whole world

We had a very similar lamp in my childhood home lol

THIS CONVO ABOUT MURRAY’S KARATE CLASS IM OBSESSED Jeremiah is my new favorite side character

If I have to hear this whore say “well well…” I’m gonna go on a murder spree

These flashes between cgi little el and old el is making my vertigo act up

“Good morning children” “good morning Miss Hannigan”

Brenner can choke on the biggest fattest dick

Sensory deprivation tanks are one of my biggest fears ngl

Argyle is the queer that can’t drive we all needed in this show

no. No no no no NO olease DONT please don’t

They showed that map of Utah and I ralphed

Will singing never ending story lub him

Eddie looks like if Alex Horne and Erin mcgehey had a child

This fucker that wears a trucker hat everywhere, even while wearing a suit is such a douchebag jock vibe I love

Why do NONE of my green colored pencils function FUCK

“If there’s a spider nesting in there you’re never gonna find it u too it lays eggs and all the babies spill out” ROBIN PLEASE

I love Steve constantly being like “we’re friends we’re friends we’re friends” and saying how he WOULD date robin but she wouldn’t date him. I hate that he and Nancy are sniffing around one another but he makes it very clear that he doesn’t think he’s too good for Robin or that she’s not attractive, but that she actually wants nothing more than platonic with him without outing her. I just think it’s very sweet

STEVE STARTED TO TRY TO QUOTE THE SHERLOCK HOLMES QUOTE DUSTIN SAID QND I HAD TO LEAVE THE ROOM HES SO EMBARRASSING

And then he just walks away he’s such a baby such a baby

Kate bush will NEVER lose her magic powers that wuthering heights video is fucking amazing

Lucas being a lil dork I’m so so glad he’s a real character again after last season

I think the sound design is my favorite of all the seasons. The clock noise is cool and the way they’re using running up that hill to play quietly and distorted in certain scenes is really interesting

This whole flashback is like some umbrella academy rip off shit

Not them vying for brenners pocket taffy

Anytime this gross waxwork lookin bitch speaks I am filled with unspeakable rage

Bro where’s Kali in all these flashbacks??? I’ve been honking that since the beginning that first flashback really bothered me bc of all the kids besides 11 were killed how did Kali survive/did she escape earlier than that when she was like 4???? I hate it

“My fingers are like arrows!” The theatre if it all what a whore I love Murray

The karate has really payed off good for you dude

And then Murray and Joyce were frozen for sixty years like captain America

Yes Steve being the Scooby gang leader for five seconds loml

Eddie I promise you can paddle faster than he can swim

If Vecna can fuck with the flashlights he could totally fuck with the Walkman too

Lmao Eddie falling overboard

Good job girl FUCK brenner I hate him I hate him

Why did they reshave els head??? I don’t get it and bc it’s a wig it makes her head look oddly shaped

“Papa” “daughter” 🤢

[rotshop]

*slams into your inbox* I just read through mag reader and Deimos headcanons again and I love it. I would def be interested in seeing more! (Also are you sure you don’t wanna hold his hand? Even just a little?) -Echo

gonna do a funney little mix of ideas here ,,,,, lol ,,,,,,,, also yes i am sure <333 i go 'hey check out this funny fish' and then i hold his head underwater.

[ tw brief, light violence, body horror and gore / blood ]

context

auditor + mag s/o ;

-OK OK HEAR ME OUT .

-you weren't originally an aahw project. while they're definitely the biggest company of sorts around there's still a few others that are like them but not exactly them hanging around nevada. you happened to be in some facility they decided to raid due to them having some possibly useful information regarding the anti-aahw . she's definitely a little less than enthused to get a call from her agents that she should come check this out but ,, when she lays her eyes on u that immediately melts away

-he's VERY very curious about you. keeps you close which is kind of nice bc it means you're treated pretty well but also it means a lot of being watched. audi just has like. a habit of unconsciously ''''''''studying'''''''' you. they're always noting little behaviors of yours down mentally and asking you little questions abut how you came to be and what abilities you hold.

-believe it or not he actually DOESN'T want you in fights. she knows you're incredibly capable but the thought of you getting too involved in a bunch of clawing and tearing again makes her get uneasy. she just prefers for you to stay by her side, with the excuse that you're a body guard of sorts for her (you aren't, she's got several other, more disposable mags that serve that role just fine.).

-HOWEVER. there is one time where he doesn't get an option in that. a few contractees and dissenters attempted a raid on the base audi was at, hoping to try and get some sort of bargaining chip to make deal with. before they can even really attempt to try and land some sort of hit on them you're already pouncing on the nearest grunt, blood already spurting and painting the walls red in mere seconds of your arrival. it honest to god shocks her into stillness, her just watching motionlessly the entire time, only really moving once to dodge some limb you'd mindlessly thrown her way after tearing it from its socket. WHILE SHE IS IMPRESSED ,,, she still scolds you a little for being reckless while trying to scrub the blood off of you with a wet rag, huffing that 'you could've gotten seriously hurt' if you were any less careful >:/

-however he does do the thng where he like. cups both sides of your face and then presses his forehead against yours. you have to lean down a lot for him to do so but still. sighs a little while brushing his thumb under your eyes and tells you to be more careful from now on.

-auditor is not immune to favoritism and it shows. someone brings it up (shakily, of course) and she just shrugs and goes 'idk what you're talking abt' while petting you who's got your head on her lap. said person promptly gets 'dismissed' after.

-hates whenever anyone tries to put some kind of muzzle on you, even if its just for the jaw dislocation thingy it still makes him go kind of '>:|' . he'll let them for like. a day at MOST (unless you keep trying to get it off, then chances are he's just gonna take it off for you. nobody really bothers asking / trying to get it back on you bc he just sends them a sharp little glare before they even can. if you REALLY need it that bad then he might try and convince you to keep it on a little longer or otherwise take your mind of it, he still feels really bad about it tho . )

sanford + mag s/o ;

- :)

-you two knew each other before he dissented / you became a mag. worked pretty close together and were just close in general !! you didn't know dei super super well since he worked in a different area but you two met a few times and hit it off pretty well.

-anyway ! he doesn't take your magnification well. at all. the first few times he saw you after it were the worst, mostly because those few times were primarily because you were lashing out at agents for one reason or another (mostly maltreatment from guards / people being shitty in general) . for the first while its so obvious that you're just exhausted from what's happened to your body that was NOT meant to become this, that you're tired and on edge from not being allowed any real rest. it makes him feel fucking terrible to see how awful of a state you're in and know that there's next to nothing he can really do to help.

-it especially hits him when he notices the other little changes. there's some specific moment where he's holding onto you far too tightly, clutching at the back of your jacket while he does his best to keep composed. you always had this habit of giving a half jokey hum of some stupid little joke or even just a 'what's wrong, big guy?' whenever he seemed off or tense, he can't help but make note of the lack of real response from you in the moment other than you wrapping your arms around him as well. another time, maybe he tries to make some little inside joke after something reminded him of it, looking back at you with a little smile. it hits him with a special punch to the gut when he notices your confusion, you just can't recognize it. you don't remember it anymore. you don't remember a lot of your old self or interactions anymore.

-you two end up getting split up at one point or another. orginally, he'd planned to run away with you and deimos buut,,, one way or another, you weren't really able to get out. he goes looking for you a bunch but eventually he has to stop when it gets to be too much and he can't find any real sign of you, he's quiet for a long time after it.

-HOWEVER . he does eventually find you in some abandoned warehouse him and the others had planned to look for supplies in. the entire time he's in there he keeps hearing sounds he thinks are just dei or hank but every time he asks or comments on it they just give him a look of confusion or a little 'what are you talking about?' it puts him really on edge, it's worse when he's in one of the further corners, digging through a few boxes and desperately trying to ignore how much it feels like someones there. anyway umm lol its just you ,,,, ehe . it takes him a solid minute to process that its you but as soon as it clicks he's yelling your name and running up to hug you. doesn't even stop to think that you could totally tear him a new one right then and there he's just too happy to see you. dei and hank both come rushing over after hearing him, dei recognizes you too and is just kinda 'oh hey !! friend !! :D' while hank stands there and just kinda stares.

-is able to take you back to base without too much argument from the others. he does his best to fill you in on everything that's happened in hopes you'll explained what happened on your part too. even if you don't he can't be too upset since he's just too gd happy to see you again ,,,, chances are you stick around him a lot . deimos is nice but u don't remember him super well and hank makes you uneasy lmao . its ok he thinks its funny though, just laughs a little whenever you stand in his doorway in silence until he notices you :)

[nothing-more-than-hot-leaf-juice]

here lies the complete story of the Crocverse (AtLA zukka modern AU)

The general facts are as follows: 

Iroh owns a croc store and Zuko works there

Sokka works at Trader Joe’s and loves crocs

Bending is a thing

Jeong Jeong owns an antique store and is furious the croc store ruined the vibe of the strip mall

Sokka and Zuko go on a date to Olive Garden

Toph and Zuko hate crocs

Bumi owns a Jamba Juice

Worldbuilding 

This takes place in Florida

Bending is a thing, but it is unclear whether or not the Avatar is a thing 

The 2008 financial crisis was a thing that happened in this universe 

Characters 

Iroh is the new owner of the strip mall Croc store. He loves and appreciates crocs in a big dorky way. 

Zuko is his disgruntled nephew who works at the Croc store. He hates crocs with a passion and is in kind of a Linkin Park phase. (He is not an eboy, no one is an eboy, society has moved past the need for eboys.) 

Sokka works at the local Trader Joe’s. He wears Hawaiian shirts all the gd time. He is incredibly excited about the croc store and gets addicted to buying crocs. He also likes wearing a ‘men want me, fish fear me’ hat and sometimes completes his ensembles with fanny packs. 

Katara works at a Petsmart. 

Jeong Jeong owns an antique store next to the croc store and is pissed that the croc store ruined the vibe of the strip mall. 

It is undecided whether or not Aang works at Bumi’s Jamba Juice or if he works at the Trader Joe’s bakery. Regardless, he’s more of a Birkenstocks guy and finds that crocs and airbending don’t really work together. 

Piandao is the Trader Joe’s manager. 

Hakoda is currently deployed and Sokka is trying his best to cope (with unhealthy shopping habits). 

Dynamics 

Zuko goes to Jamba Juice a lot. Toph also goes to Jamba Juice a lot. They become buds because they go ‘well we’re both loners going into school with few or no friends and we both love Jamba Juice and hate crocs, that’s as good a place as any to start a friendship’ 

Sokka loves to explore Jeong Jeong’s antique store. Jeong Jeong considers Sokka to be a local menace (and he’d never say it but he’s his local menace and would be hurt if Sokka started poking around another antique store). 

Iroh really wants to be friends with Jeong Jeong (who could honestly use a friend, he’s kind of a hermit). Jeong Jeong is firmly annoyed that Iroh ruined the vibe of the strip mall. 

Zuko likes hanging out at the antique store and occasionally runs into Sokka. He voices his displeasure for the croc store on multiple occasions and Jeong Jeong feels incredibly validated. 

Zuko has kind of just planned to not have friends for his senior year. Iroh thinks that unacceptable. 

Iroh loves Sokka’s outfits a whole lot and compliments them all the time (while also trying to set him up with Zuko as friends). 

Sokka initially thinks Zuko is just kind of weird and asocial, but then one day at Petsmart he’s bothering Katara at work and he sees Zuko sitting on the floor of the reptile section just looking at all the tanks. Katara tells Sokka that Zuko basically does this every other day and Sokka realizes how soft this guy is and just kind of goes ‘oh’. 

Sokka goes to the crocstore and buys some pride crocs to send a message to Zuko. Zuko is oblivious. 

Eventually, Sokka pulls the “so… do you want to do an activity together?” and Iroh comes over with a “he’d LOVE to” and gives them an Olive Garden gift card. 

Sokka hopes Zuko thinks this is an actual date, Zuko is unclear on whether or not this is a date but puts on a button down shirt just in case, and Iroh doesn’t realize it’s 100% a date until Zuko comes out with his shirt and Iroh decides that it is of the utmost importance that he does Zuko’s hair. 

The details of the date have been decided on….but @animegenork is writing the actual fic and if you really want the sweet, soft zukka details you’ll have to wait. All I’ll say is there are turtleducks and smooching involved. 

Relevant Backstory 

Iroh didn’t actually want to own a croc store. He used to own his own tea/coffee store, but when the economy tanked and his son died, it ended up going bust. 

Iroh didn’t have much contact with his brother after Lu Ten died because Ozai was an unsympathetic asshole about it. The last time he saw his brother’s family was at Azulon’s funeral. 

A few years after the falling out with Ozai (and Iroh’s contact with his niece and nephew being basically reduced to birthday phone calls) Iroh finally upgrades to an iPhone with Facetime. When he calls for Zuko’s birthday, Iroh is VERY FUCKING DISPLEASED to see that someone has burned off half of Zuko’s face (and it doesn’t take much thinking for him to guess who). 

Iroh scoops Zuko up ASAP and Zuko moves in with him. 

Iroh attempts to bring Azula, but she firmly does not want to go with him and Iroh can’t exactly just kidnap a child in this day and age. 

So instead of reinvesting in a new tea shop, Iroh invests his time in legal work to go after Ozai for being the Fucking Worst™. 

He also puts Zuko in therapy, because god knows the kid needs it. 

Iroh worked in middle management for various retail stores and landed a management position in a croc store. Eventually, he opened up his own branch in Florida (which is where our story starts). 

And really, it wasn’t Iroh’s dream to own a croc store, but he accepts that life doesn’t always go exactly how you plan it. Iroh recognizes that what he can focus on is bringing joy to people and trying to project kindness into the world every day. Maybe you end up onwing a croc store. Maybe you’re in a bunch of bs legal crap because your brother is a monster and there are two kids who need someone, but you can make the best of it and it doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy simple pleasure where you find them. 

Other details 

The Crocverse is a Mouth Wheat Boy Free Zone. Jet is just not a croc person. Jet has no reason to enter the croc store. This AU does not have room for Jet. I’m sorry Jet stans. (I’m not.) 

Zuko and Sokka are upcoming high school seniors (age 17). 

Katara is an upcoming junior (16), Aang is an upcoming sophomore (15), and Toph is an upcoming freshman (14). 

The swampbenders are frequent patrons of the croc store because they’re good for marshy areas.

The only people who are actually croc enthusiest in this world are Sokka and Iroh. 

Sokka likes wearing neon turquoise crocs the most. 

Sometimes Iroh wears rainbow tie dye crocs to support his gay nephew .

Final words 

This is what I meant when I said the Crocverse was never really about the crocs. The crocs were just a framing device, they’re just how we got here. At its core, the crocverse is about these characters and their struggles, and more importantly how they find each other despite the struggles. It’s about Zuko learning how to make friends. It’s about Iroh wanting the best for his nephew and trying to make the best of a less than ideal situation. It’s about Sokka trying to figure out what to do now that his dad is gone and learning how to open up about it instead of cope with unhealthy shopping habits and deflection. It’s about going to Petsmart and spending an hour looking at the reptiles because you deserve it. It’s about going to Jamba Juice and making friends with the other loners. It’s about learning that you don’t have to be alone. It’s about ditching Olive Garden for a better date somewhere else and smooching the ridiculous Hawaiian shirt Trader Joe’s employee because he’s funny and caring and maybe, just maybe, you deserve that. It’s about letting new people enter your life when you think you have to be alone. It’s about being teenagers together before life starts for real. It’s about, above all else, finding those weirdos who will be there for you and accept you for all your quirks and baggage. 

And that’s the Crocverse. I will shut up about it forever now. 

[serenheist]

What Jennie is like in a relationship/ Relationship with G-Dragon Tarot reading

I know the anon asked for just a love life reading on Jennie but I’m extra and did everything lmao

What is the true nature of Jennie’s relationship with gdragon? Gloominous doom reversed 56, ace of swords, the hanged man reversed, lady of masks, triumph of lies, the glanconer 62 reversed

Oh god lmao. I don’t know why but I get the feeling this “relationship” is just for GD to be back on good terms with the korean general public. He got flack for smoking weed before, seungri shit, abandoning his dog, dating kiko etc etc. I really feel like him dating Jennie is just so the public has a better opinion of him when he decides to have a comeback lmao. Anyway the true nature of this relationship is literally someone full of extreme self pity had an idea to do this because it will make them look better and vice versa. But now there’s a feeling of being trapped. I really think this is an orchestrated relationship that was rushed and not based on actual love but for a specific purpose. But I do think it’s legit in the sense that it’s not that they’re not dating at all. But since Yg didn’t deny anything we can tell it’s “real”. Yg always denies if it’s definitely not a real relationship and always stays vague when it’s real. It’s made to look real for the public to get them talking but the core itself isn’t real. Basically pr shit. idc even if they got married none of this is real lmao.

I pulled 2 more cards from 2 different decks for extra clarification and I got the lady of masks and triumph of lies. You can’t make this up lol. “She reshapes the physical appearance of the souls who seek her out but this change is pure vanity, changing nothing of who they are at the core” it basically reflects who you want to be. This relationship is to make both parties look better lol. I feel that this is also a double meaning geared towards Jennie only because later cards in this reading continuously mention her wearing a mask. Triumph of lies is about keeping up appearances. This relationship is about living up to the expectations that society wants from you. I feel like it’s not just what people in the company want but also could be friends and family who put pressure on making this relationship happen for both. I can really see that since GD has a past of dating mostly models and the public has always been negative about everyone he’s dated except Jennie since she has a better reputation and for her this relationship can boost her status even more dating the king of kpop and being a power couple. I pulled a last card just to ask why you would need to fake a whole relationship even though we already know at this point and it’s redundant but I wanted to see how many times I can get cards saying the same shit. The glanconer 62 reversed: basically AGAIN someone is pretending to be other than they really are. I think both of them even believe in their own lie at this point and idk there’s a level of thinking you’re better than others so it’s okay to fool them anyway. Whatever makes you look good.

Who is Jennie in this/ her shadow aspect: obsession 3, gd: today for tomorrow 32

Since the beginning cards were pretty negative I wanted to dive deeper into Jennie and GD’s shadow aspects. And just use these cards to differentiate between them. GD is today for tomorrow and for Jennie I got obsession. The biggest shadow aspect to Jennie is that she feels as if she needs something whether that be a person, an idea, an object etc to give meaning to her life. She can also become really fixated on things to the point where that is the entire focal point of her life. It numbs her attention to other things.

How does Jennie feel about gd and how does he feel about her? Solus 13, the high priestess, the hierophant, gd: the guardian at the gate 3, queen of wands reversed, the fool

Jennie: Jennie feels that GD is someone who when you don’t know who to turn to or what to do, he is the person who can help you out. He encourages you stand on your own feet and utilize your own wisdom. But he also recognizes that you can’t do everything on your own so he helps you make the right connections with the right people and basically like a mentor position. I feel like they both almost see this connection as something “divine” at least in the beginning they could’ve convinced themselves this was this big divine intervention. But the reality started to set in and Jennie saw a different side of someone who has lost touch and went from being someone to look up to to becoming more “corrupted”. He no longer practices what he preaches, there’s lies mixed in with truth and the lines between right and wrong became more blurred. He does what he can to stay in power.

GD: He feels that Jennie is a new opportunity for a huge change. She’ll help provide an opportunity for him to make a big shift in his life. But at the same time he feels like she’s guarding herself and not being authentic with him. “Wearing masks that do not fit you”. I think he’s seen her change moods often from not figuring out how to release her passion and creativity in a healthy way and become more jealous and wanting to tear down others when she’s feeling down. Cause the queen of wands would be stepping in your power not hiding behind anything and appearing exactly how you are. Reversed it can bring out bring dramatic and feeling out of control of your own life and lack of enthusiasm. I think he’s seen her lose her passion for even being in the industry itself. I think that’s he’s wanting to take a leap of faith into something new I don’t know if he would want to stay in this “relationship” but I’m seeing it more of him going off on his own and stop worrying about the fear of the unknown. Honestly both seem like a hot mess for each other there’s a lot of work they gotta do on themselves separately because this whole connection is weird and toxic.

How long does it take her to get into a relationship? Does she prefer long or short term relationships? Princess of pentacles, 3 of swords, queen of swords 5 of wands reversed, 2 of wands, temperance reversed

She’s always been observant and was careful before in the beginning of relationships but no amount of carefulness can’t prevent heartbreak. It kind of hardened her and she learned how to play the game so to speak. The fact that the queen of swords is holding a severed head tells you all you need to know what happens if you break her heart. She seems burnout with relationships but at the same time can’t stop herself from not being in one because then you’ll be alone with your demons. I think she does prefer long term relationships but Jennie seems to go from one extreme to another. She plans for the long term but she also can’t control her emotions because they’re so intense. She’ll sabotage it and rush into a relationship with someone because she’s already planning this whole future and the other person is like “uhhh we just met..?” I think she builds up a fantasy in her head and gets carried away at times. And that’s where a lot of conflict and arguments arise and the cycle continues.

Past and present relationships. past: firgun 10 magick of you oracle, 2 of pentacles, Present: Euphoria 9, 5 of cups

I hate this word but I feel like in her past relationships she felt like the person she was with was her “twin flame”. This person was her mirror basically, every little thing she was and did was mirrored back to her. It was about learning how to heal the anger and hurt and learn to be happy for others success. But the relationship itself was a constant act of balancing career and love and all the ups and downs. It seems like even in her present love life she is still lingering over past relationships and now hides her actual feelings. There’s a lot of mask imagery in this whole reading. And not seeing everything you already have but being consumed with the thoughts of what went wrong or why it isn’t this way. And no longer sharing your true self fully. Instead there’s an element of not her not taking care of herself physically. Sharing herself intimately with people who treat her like garbage, poor eating, dragging yourself through workouts, excess of toxic substances; these are examples.

What is she like in a relationship? Eternal servitor, 10 of pentacles reversed, the lady of the harvest 18 reversed, the singer of intuition 7

This imagery of a person with no face and a whole in its chest really stands out to me again. It seems that when Jennie is in a relationship she still hides her true self and is constantly on a never ending search to fill something in herself that she feels is lacking. I think she uses money, clothing, love itself as a way to distract herself from this emptiness she feels inside and each time she wants more and more. Like she has to upgrade to the next biggest thing and it traps her in an infinite loop of never being satisfied. Idk but I guess it’s her wanting the world to see her importance; if she has these things then she is now worthy and it gives her a feeling of purpose. It’s not just the pressure of herself needing the best “thing” but a loooot of pressure from family and others to find a “suitable” partner. They need to come from the right background, make this amount of money, etc so her family can show off how wonderful this partner is and how amazing Jennie is doing. Even the next card “the lady of the harvest” reversed speaks of this again. It’s crazy how almost all of the cards are just saying the same thing. It’s about staying in denial and refusing to accept a loss and cling onto pain instead. Jennie is the type of person who thinks “if I can’t have it, no one will”. When she sees something she wants and can’t get it she will go into destruction mode because she feels that it’s the only solution. She’s not a forgive and forget person. A line in this guidebook really stands out to me “if you love something, let it go. If it doesn’t come back, hunt it down and kill it.” Pretty much sums up her mentality. Even if she enters a new relationship her mind is consumed by the past and the present relationship is only to save face and show off the image she tries to create to please literally everyone except herself. I think she’s very perceptive and can know someone who she’s with inside and out. She’s also very aware of the image she needs to uphold. There’s pretty much nothing you can hide from her because her intuition is so strong.

What is her "type"? the piper 24, 8 of wands reversed, Ta’Om the poet 29, Arthur

Let’s get the obvious out of the way: she likes musicians. Also the fact that this is legit the only faerie in this 66 card deck playing an instrument so what are the odds. She appreciates someone who pays attention to the subtle expressions of feelings and ideas and can see into her soul basically. It’s communication without words and that makes music that can heal your sorrows and pains. Someone that listens to not just surface level words but to the deeper meaning that can only be heard with your heart. Seductive, someone who looks serious but is actually mischievous and fun.

He encourages you to unfold your wings and fly, do the things you’re afraid to do, stop being silent and speak up, have a youthful spirit and do the thing you’ve been putting off for so long. He has a lust for life, adventure, an excellent storyteller and writing skills and a huge imagination. He has the power to inspire action with just his words. He sees things as they really are and sees beauty in all things even in the darkness and difficulty of life. He doesn’t take life so seriously though he knows how to laugh at himself and knows how silly it is to be sad over hardships in life. He doesn’t care for society’s expectations he’s a free spirit. But at the same time he slows down and knows how to enjoy the journey and not rush by the seat of his pants. He’s someone that’ll stand the test of time and be by her side through thick and thin.

What is her love language? Myk the myomancer 42, the oak men 47, 10 of wands

Idk if this really fits into any of the “official”love languages but her love language is someone seeing the small details, seeing meaning in the little things. So maybe little gifts even that don’t have to be huge but just shows that you’ve paid attention to what she likes as long as it has meaning and is well thought out. When you can’t see the finish line and it looks like it’s impossible to keep going that person is there to have your back. Also someone that sees her for who she truly is in her heart and can look past the superficial hard exterior cause I’m pretty sure it’s just a defense mechanism mixed with the environment she grew up and past relationships and she’s not actually the Antichrist contrary to how negative this reading may seem.

Probably typos but whateves

[vegalocity]

What would happen if Syntax actually did get cured of the venom? Would he still want to hang around Huntsman and Goliath or would he Think 'huh. Maybe having the people who KIDNAPPED ME around me and my family Probably isn't the best idea.' - Pixel Anon

Uhhhhhhhhhhh yeah I think the answer is Not Good Things Will Happen. I think the answer is ‘Y’all are down an integral clan member hope you didn’t have any plans that hinged on technology or science in general right now.’

Honestly I think you don’t even need to throw Minyi and Xiuying into that equation to make that the answer. Even if you assume Syntax was essentially just alone in the world before spiderfication if he got the spider limbs pulled off and the venom drained from his system, no matter WHAT his Backstory is i think he’d just book it, he’d be OUTTA THERE he is GONE. He’s running before the purple has fully faded from his skin.

And when you THROW IN the ladies, then… well even more so. He’s got Minyi in one arm, a duffel bag in the other and loading into the gd car headed for Xiuying’s cabin to lay low for awhile.

(this gets long so it's under the cut)

Like, most people like to assume that there was a sort of… adjustment period when he had just been spiderfied, usually the flavor of ‘someone (usually Huntsman) reminding him of how he is at his base a human, not a spider, not one of them, and the second he stops being useful is the second he’s only good for how he’ll taste’ and even if he wasn’t afraid of whoever it was in the moment, confident in his ability to manuver extra limbs that aren’t there anymore and speed that wasn’t there either, all the physical additions that being a Spider Demon had are suddenly gone and that threat about being the next meal for the clan suddenly feels a lot more real. Even IF the others had actually grown attached to him and Minyi and even Xiuying, the fact of the matter is if these people decided to kill them all he wouldn’t be able to do anything about it.

Something I could see having kind of a ‘disney channel cartoon’ resolution in this setup is a thing idk if i’ve mentioned before involving Minyi or not. Bc Minyi, as i know i have mentioned, fucking HATES Spider Queen, and at first for awhile there she was very vocal about it, she hated that her dad was working for her, she hated that he wanted her approval, and most of all she hated that whenever she’d say any of that to him, he’d just sort of… not listen.

Even when even Minyi knows what she’s talking about is silly or irrational, she never really feels like Daddy isn’t listening. Even when she’s wrong and he has to explain to her what it was that was wrong, she still felt like he was listening to her as she talked. But not this. Never this. Minyi’s an observant child, her plotline hinges on it, so she knows when Adults tune her out, she knows when she’s being condescended to. And when Daddy tells her that of course he wants to stay Loyal to Spider Queen and she’s Really Cool Actually she can tell he wasn’t listening to a word she’d actually said. Because he never mentions forgiving her for stealing him, or that he knows it might look like she pushes him around but he knows he’s always in control of the situation, or anything that would actually ANSWER her questions or settle her worries. She just… might as well have stomped her foot and yelled like she was half her age.

And now that his head is clear he can look back on that and be… embarrassed? guilty? His daughter was warning him that whole time out of honest fear and concern that she only barely had the vocabulary and emotional complexity to understand And he brushed her off as if it was nothing. And to rub some salt into it now that his head is clear and the unrelenting force of the Spider demanding subserviance to the Queen is gone it’s obvious that his fucking six year old was right about his ‘boss’ being bad news. So of course he figures he owes Minyi an apology, but Minyi’s just happy that he’s listening to her again so it’s all okay in the end.

And if this is the Cyberhunt timeline then can I get an F in the chat for Huntsman? Bc he ain’t even getting a breakup scene, i don’t think he’d even get a letter outside of the ‘I’m leaving the clan and leaving the city with my family. Don’t try to find us’ that goes out to all of the clan (maybe even still implying that Syntax DOES still have that Spider amplification in him so it’s not just a flimsy ‘stay away’ from an equally flimsy human)

I could see Syntax as being pretty mad at himself for letting the relationship happen at all in that context. Like yeah, his brain was all scrambled up and he can’t ACTUALLY be held accountable for decisions made with the fact that he wasn’t really in his right mind for the whole thing, but it still happened. But now it’s over, and- and it was just some echo of venom that hadn’t quite metabolized yet that left a bitter taste in his mouth to acknowledge that those people weren’t really friends, that he wasn’t really-... His brain is still re-adjusting, he’ll be fine in time.

Minyi I don't think would quite get certain parts about this, in her mind, the big boss is always the bad guy and the other people around are just as scared of the big boss as the person they’re bullying. So to her only Spider Queen was the bad guy. So when Daddy turned back to normal and said that they weren’t safe from the bad guys anymore and needed to go stay at Auntie Xiuying’s cabin for awhile she’d thought that Uncle Huntsman and Uncle Goliath hadn’t come along simply because Uncle Goliath didn’t fit in the car. That they’d catch up with them soon. Because surely, they’d ALL be running away from the REAL bad guy together.

So, she figures they must have gotten lost and had to head back home. Thats not good, surely that means she needs to help them find their way here like how she helped Daddy find his way home. Auntie and Daddy were both too scared of Spider Queen finding them to contact her uncles, but Minyi knew how to evade that!

She knows Uncle Huntsman likes to hang out at their apartment because he loves Daddy (she’ll keep that to herself for now, grownups don’t believe in happily ever afters) so if she mails a letter to the apartment he might find it when he eventually comes over.

She knows Uncle Huntsman doesn’t like puzzles, but he’s good with them when its something important. So she makes a cipher and writes the letter in it, copies down the decoder, and chops it up into distinct shapes, seals it all up in a letter closes the envelope with a sticker on it, and slips it into the mailbox.

Eventually Huntsman does find the letter, written in childish scrawl, the puzzle to decode the letter, and the knowledge that theres only one child on this entire damn continent that would be this obnoxiously enigmatic about sending a fucking letter.

But whatever, he wasn’t gonna do anything except sit in the apartment surrounded by things left behind and feel sorry for himself--er, that is, scavenge for anything that could be used by the Queen and take advantage of the internal heating. So he may as well do something. So he puts together the decoder, she’d just sliced it into fourths. Then translated the letter.

“Hi Uncle Huntsman! If you’re reading this that means you unlocked my letter! Yay! I knew you could! So I know you and Uncle Goliath want to leave the bad lady’s clan too and I know you’re only not here because you guys got lost.” and she just… gave them the coordinates for the place her family was hiding away. (not REALLY hiding, it wouldn’t have taken much to track down the cabin’s whereabouts through Xiuying, but the secluded nature of the cabin may as well have been)

I guess… the way the story ends depends on how you want it to end. Because Huntsman has three options, but really only two. Does he accept defeat and burn the letter, or does he do something with the information he now has? Either way he’d be betraying the queen, but he doesn’t have it in him to turn in the coordinates of their lost clan member and his family. Not this time.

There’s this youtuber i like called Breadsword, he does movie analysis, and in his video about Millenium Actress he says something along the lines of ‘My favorite moment in a romance is somewhere in the last ten minutes, after we’ve followed our characters through the buildup, payoff, and premature destruction of what they had, as they go their separate ways and come to the conclusion that it wasn’t meant to last, one rejects it and takes flight in pursuit of the other... our dreams and our love are the only things truly worth running in the name of.

[pianjeong]

Making it angsty. JJ defects (and by default they break up) and then a few years later he shows up to a White Lotus meeting and sees his ex and it's just the Spiderman pointing meme

oh BOY ANGST PART 2.....im gonna say this is a continuation of this post so some things might make more sense if u read that one first

but. they haven’t seen each other for Years at this point. and people have stopped whispering - well, also bc piandao’s shut himself up in the villa and only comes out to take his swords to market probably - and it’s all very depressing. because on one hand, if jj had just gone on and finished out his navy career he probably would’ve went down in the books as just the admiral and the prodigy which is just not the vibe (that’s the thing he’s sensitive about!). but this way he goes down as the deserter and gets forgotten and like. he just deserves so much better than either of those and piandao just wishes that he could’ve stayed with him. reminded him that he doesn’t need to be any of what people say he is.

idk how long after the desertion that this might happen... but i think at this point piandao’s trying to internalize the fact that those (heady golden) days are over and it’s v likely that he never sees jj again. and then he gets inducted into the white lotus and shows up at a meeting and wait a second that hair looks familiar - oh shit. it’s the spiderman pointing meme......but with feelings.

for one: bitch, you joined a secret society without me? i understand that we have not been speaking and also that we ended up in the same secret society anyway, but STILL. seriously? you could’ve sent a noTE

but for two: are you fuckign kidding me i was just starting to get over you except i really really wasn’t and i already sorta knew i never would but now here you are and i don’t know what to say.

and while piandao is thinking the above jj is in Conflicted Town because seeing him is a reminder of a version of himself that no longer exists and that he has very conflicted feelings about - was relatively happy, and successful, and had at least one person who cared about him, but also had approximately -2 perspective on life as well as the harm he caused to other people. he still feels astronomical levels of guilt for leaving him behind without saying anything but now they’re in the same room again and he can’t quite remember why he hadn’t at least written because that’s still the guy he spent a summer falling in love with and years writing to and now years missing and what is happening.

that first meeting is very awkward for both of them for obvious reasons. they keep kinda Looking at each other across the tent but refuse to engage and everyone else is like ????? and it keeps on being awkward honestly bc they aren’t sure how to act around each other anymore - they’re both convinced that the other one has moved on already and doesn’t want to be the first to initiate. 

the other members pick up on it and one time they scheme to leave them alone in the tent and it is just so gd awkward. and piandao keeps trying to reach out and make small talk or whatever and he gets monosyllables in return. but jj doesn’t break eye contact the entire time and eventually piandao snaps and is like “why are you looking at me like that” bc it’s so much like when jj would just sit and stare at him back when they were together and he would like to not think about that thanks. and jj just keeps looking at him, and doesn’t say a word. until in the smallest voice he just says “i’m sorry.”

and piandao’s just utterly taken aback because what? he’s never know jj to apologize for anything. and like an idiot he’s like “what?”

and jj jumps to his feet (and if he’d still been bending probably would’ve set sth on fire) and goes “i’m fucking sorry, okay? but i had to leave. i was just trying to protect you. you didn’t need to pay for my mistakes.” and there are so many things wrong with that but piandao knows that that’s not what he needs to be saying right now. so once he’s processed he just gets up and goes around the table and hugs him. and says “i forgive you” because he wasn’t angry and now that he knows this is what jj thinks he just wants so much for him to know that piandao doesn’t blame him for it at all. it takes a moment but jj basically collapses on him and it’s part relief and part ‘what do you mean it can’t be that easy’ but maybe there’s still hope. maybe there’s one thing that he hasn’t ruined.

and then. they reconnect. and it’s a long damn road to recovery and jj definitely needs some Therapy (again with me making him so connected to his bending like why did i do that his self hate is real) but piandao is absolutely committed to not pushing him past what he’s ready for and even though he really is still in love with him, they are and always will be friends first and that’s what jj needs right now. jj’s self-aware enough to know that he is not ready for anything past that even though he’s also never really fallen out of love either, but it isn’t awkward between them. it’s just a knowledge that that’s my best friend, and he isn’t going anywhere, and when we’re ready to acknowledge this thing again then we’ll both be here. it’s about the mutual support, and that’s love babey it really is.

[kendrixtermina]

I’ve found the interview! Or parts of it

Other fun points beyond Claude’s real name.

A lot of my headcanons have been confirmed!

Silver Snow was the first route written (maybe that’s why it’s the weakest? It took them a while to find their Mojo)

El wasn’t just a driving figure in the plot but also in the writing process, ie, the other lords were then developed as contrasts.

Dimitri’s eyepatch was also improv apparently one person just randomly suggested it halfway through, the original model was then used for CF. It was intended to show that he had a hard life in the last 5 years

They say they took some influence from “Romance of the Three Kingdoms”

CF was indeed intended as a “secret” hidden route holding a distinct place - it was originally supposed to be harder to unlock - they also underestimated how many players would always go explore on the first day (apparently the option is only open in the first day - which makes sense, later she’s already departed)

Edelgard is indeed Byleth’s foil/ counterpart / rival / contrast as someone with roughly equal power

So developement wise you might draw some parallels to Elsa (the developers gradually realized this character had more potential as a hero than a villain/ was actually pretty sympathetic - part of why they made joining her easier) and also Rika from Digimon Tamers (they realized the figurines of the girl characters didn’t sell, so they made the primary girl the ‘rival character’ which always sells. Rika was indeed hugely popular, probably because your average anime ‘rival character’ tends to be complex, cool,  and one of the most powerful chars in the setting)

Lysithea was indeed just a prototype, Edelgard had a much more advanced procedure done on her (hence why she generally seems a lot more “super”)

They originally planned for her to be able to stop/interfere with divine pulse but that didn’t end up making it into the final game

You have to consider that a game is not a book or a movie - something might be a cool concept on its own but if its implementation is annoying to the player it’s worthless

However I will take this as confirmation to my headcanon that she has some mild timewarping going on, and that this is what happens when she can attack multiple times (as per ‘raging storm’ or in her Hegemon form)

That really IS Sothis on the mural

An aspect that I didn’t personally consider but adds to my observations of how Rhea is a really interesting take on the concept of a demigod: They stress that to her Sothis doesn’t just represent her mother but also the creator/ her god. She very much does worship her and has goals beyong just wanting back a family member

(Indeed she does tell Byleth that she can’t wait until “Our creator rules this wayward land once more”)

And here’s yet another account of the war of heroes. In this i must admit defeat because others called this and I didn’t:

The Nabateans were in fact ruling over humans, and people were in fact resisting/standing up to that

The Agarthans having their own sinister motives,  invented the methods to make crests/ relics

At this point you DO get greed and powerlust involved - people like Nemesis started trying to kill dragons to gain their power left and right and the balance of power shifted

Rhea didn’t so much “make” the Elites into heroes - The (human) people really did see them as liberators and that was too big to change, so Seiros kept the broad strokes manipulating the details so that all tied back to the goddess.

So they replaced an aristocracy of Nabateans by an aristocracy of people with Nabatean-like powers. There’s an interesting dynamic here

So Edelgard was almost completely right.

I’m sorry I doubted you El!

That said I still get the impression that Nemesis was definitely in it for the power and still massacred civilians.  He’s like the Ten Elites’ secretly evil teammate.

So on the one hand, Rhea didn’t do this unscrupulous act of making people she hates into heroes just for control, on the other hand the war of Heroes was alot more muddy

On the other hand this makes Silver Snow a bad end in my book. “Happiness in Slavery”.

I did talk about how SS didn’t have Byleth growing out of their character flaws the ways the other routes, but now... wow they were a tool until the end

I still can’t believe that Sothis, Seteth or Flayn are evil though, Sothis seems compassionate and disliked Rhea’s methods - but was she even around then, actually? Because she was asleep for a long time after the war with the Agarthans. So the Nabateans, perhaps already under Rhea’s leadership, were already semi-corrupt.

(That obviously doesn’t justify slaughtering them all down to the last child - Zanado was the civilian population)

Seteth might have been as much of a tool now as then. Though I still hold to my opinion that he’s the last one to hold to Sothis’ “real” mission - which was guard not rule

Of course Rhea believed almost to the last that guarding was precisely what she was doing

Heavens this has so many layers and complexities I love it I want to make a full drawn out novel based on a similar premise

That said they specify very clearly that Seiros and co really did just want to keep the peace. They are benevolent/ paternalistic overlords basically

Almyra seems to have an “Ottoman Harem” situation going on where the King has multiple wives and the heir is whoever is worthiest/strongest rather than the eldest. So from the beginning Claude had many rivals as if the bullying he experienced wasn’t bad enough

So Claude/Khalid is different from Dimitri who was always the rightful crown prince, and Edelgard who never expected to inherit and suddenly found herself catapulted up the line of succession. For him it was always a “maybe”.  

This is an interesting contrast to Edelgard. Her father also had many concubines but it seems she had a good relationship with her siblings regardless.

“He won’t hesitate to plea for his life and considers survival as the ultimate victory. That’s also why Claude is the character who survives in every route. “

The original plan was to slip up and have Nader call him the wrong name. i see why they cut it, it would make everyone involved look like they don’t take the situation seriously

The moment in non-GD routes where he couldn’t predict that Hilda and Judith would sacrifice themselves is ascribed to him “having different values than the people in fodlan”. Ouch. So good at reading people but the cultural difference still bit him in the ass at the worst possible moment.

If you see the Church as Seiros as an analogue to a corrupt medieval church, this certainly fits with the common observation by ppl of different backgrounds that christian countries tend to have an undercurrent of glorifying suffering and self-sacrifice in ways that seem masochistic to ppl from other backgrounds or even local non-believers

The beard was supposed to make him look “adventurous”

“He’s a very good guy” - I mean, yeah.  

The timeskip designs were supposed to “radiate their life style over the last five years” - I certainly see that with, say, Dimitri or Bernadetta

[ziracona]

what are your thoughts on deathslinger? game wise or character wise, just in general lol lately i've been really loving wraith and deathslinger as characters and now i've been getting excited whenever i end up on one of their maps or i go against them. (playing deathslinger is gonna take... a LOT of work since im bad at aiming omg lkjskjlds)

Character wise, Deathslinger is one I really appreciate. Almost all killers in DbD fit into 3 categories—manipulated victim (Rin, Philip, Lisa, Sally), feral & no real grasp of normal human laws/customs (Max, Anna, Michael), and serial killer for fun (Danny, Kenneth, Amanda, Freddy). And I really enjoy al three of those categories for the characters, don’t get me wrong, but it’s always especially interesting when we get a killer who is none of the above, and it doesn’t happen much. I like that Caleb was a shitty person, but like, in a totally normal way?

Like, was he bad? Absolutely. Do I kinda get why he went ‘I am 2 seconds from losing it’ & then lost it from that age on at people who kept discriminating against him and betraying and using him & stealing his shit? Yeah. I don’t /condone/ it, or at least, the violence inflicted on like the petty criminals he caught & inmates he gave his warden torture devices to use on, not at all, but like. I appreciate instead of being just a serial killer who somehow had fun killing horribly, Caleb is just some guy who is really mad people ruined his life & wants revenge. Like, I don’t condone the behavior, but like, I get it. That’s a thoroughly understandable motive, and like, a normal one. Having been bad but not like, evil and villainous gleefully to his core or smth wild, I feel like it puts Caleb in a very interesting place in the realm. He’d hate the Entity for sure, since it canonically tricks and lies to and manipulated him to get him to hunt survivors (which I have to assume he will figure out /eventually/ is going on. Entity really ain’t /that/ smart), and since he has never hurt people who didn’t wrong him for fun, only to further his personal goals, I expect he would greatly dislike working for the Entity.

I don’t know that he’s gonna be the most sympathetic human ever to the survivors, or like, even have to be tortured before he goes back to killing once he does find out, but him not wanting to be there or be killing them period & actively hating the Entity for doing this to him, paired with his kind of average human bad dude background, is extremely unique. I feel like it leaves a lot of storytelling potential. I mean, you’ve got a person willing to do really bad stuff and a history of doing it, who simultaneously completely understands what he has done and why and society’s rules & didn’t do any of it on accident or something, but also hasn’t really done any of that because he just wanted to, or gets pleasure from it, or is someone who runs around actively dehumanizing everyone else & thinking he’s above them & they’re subhuman like the serial killers do—I mean, Caleb had normal human relationships—he had loyal friends, all right up to his abduction. So he’s not a loner either. That kind of whole ‘not a good dude at all & done some real bad stuff, but also still kind of a normal person’ makeup? It makes him a very interesting character, especially with Zarina having knowledge of/a connection to him. I think he and The Legion are the only two killers who are kind of in a weird fourth category like that (though some kind of arguments could be made for at least which category Kazan belongs in), and that’s made those two (well, five I guess, haha) extremely interesting characters to write. I like Caleb—I really enjoy him just being kinda gd normal. Average joe shitty, not serial killer. Whole lot of potential directions for a character like that to head in.

As far as in-game goes, I haven’t played as him because I haven’t bought any irl money stuff from DbD in /quite/ a while, so I got no opinion on playing as. He’s pretty fun to go against, though! I think he’s balanced well and most of my experiences w people who play Deathslinger have been nice, so he doesn’t fill me with “ah shit here we go again” like PS4 ghostfaces do >.> lol—[though one time I went against a dude who messaged us all to ask to farm and was super friendly & then the second gates were up, downed everyone he could bc he’d had us following him around, and he was running only endgame perks (noed, fire up, blood warden, etc) & apparently that’s just how he plays every single match—pretend to be friendly for 2 free hooks, then kill everyone in endgame when their guard is down. I made it out but I was swf w a friend I couldn’t save & I’m still mad about someone doing that for fun.] Other than that one dude though, he’s routinely been pretty fun to go against! And I’ve heard he is fun to play as. So I like him game-wise too. ^u^

[gdragonsideburns]

Unfortunately I never liked Seungri so I didn’t feel a thing when he left or got in trouble. It just felt like it was bound to happen for him. I always had a gut feeling Seungri would become involved in a serious scandal... and here we are now. I always enjoyed bigbang as a group and I consider myself in the fandom . I just had to always put up with him and I could never fully get myself to like him. He’s always been creepy and shady plus he’s annoying and always talked too much never giving the members time to say anything. I just feel so bad for the other boys and what he dragged them into. It’s not their fault but since he was associated so long as a member it had to effect all of them.

Oh boy. Welcome to my can of worms, have a seat they only wiggle slightly.

Disclaimer !!! These are all MY feelings and I'm not blaming them on Anyone or Anything, just trying to explain them :) . This is long so

See i started liking bigbang and kpop when I was 10ish so like 2010-14 mainly, then I stuck around for made bc I love bigbang but I didn't really care about any other groups (except 2ne1 I will always love them). Like this was before stan twitter existed. So when I was a seungri fan I was a, a tween, and b, an adhd autism child who found his overly loud personality comforting due to my own excitable nature. bigbang were my sole comfort during high school (which was hell) and I felt so very deeply for them. Not to mention all my mental illnesses and the abuse. Bigbang were my safe haven.

Idk the thing is I was a gd fan originally, and a nyongtori shipper (I was 13 don't judge). They were my "otp" (one true pairing ?) which p much boils down to character you identify as/character you're attracted to. Seungri was my id, he made me feel normal (*again I was 13*)

so I had a lot of emotions attached to both of them. Then I stopped listening to kpop, didnt keep up with the news or nothing until start of 2020, so when i came home to the vips there was this big divide and all these things to catch up on and understand.

Like I totally get not liking seungri from the start that's a valid point, especially towards the end when he became mr "business money man look at me im not the maknae I'm a sex machine".

But the reason I get so upset when I see him is because I was gone so long (2015-16ish-2020) amd wasnt there when the news broke and everyone was shocked (Or Not Shocked) and all this shit started. Vips all processed and grieved the loss of a member while it was happening yk?. I just came back and it was done. And it's legit just my own messed up feelings about it. My personap feelings have no bearing on the reality of the situation which is why im ot4.

but then there's all these ot5 people who are, yes entitled to their opinion, but also a little batshit ? I engaged with one once on YouTube (very politely mind you) and then got 16 different accounts trying to fight me, some just telling me they wished my mum was dead, no other comment, nothing, like ???? It's insane. They're cultish.

I just feel so affronted yk? I was one of them, I almost became one when I came back because the divide was so aggressive and I didn't want to believe it. Then they have the fucking cheek to talk like I'm not a real fan like it's so fucking rude and I feel like im denied my grief no matter what yk? I'm not allowed to be sad bc I'm ot4 and the ot5's hate me so in not a real fan and the ot4's are so OVER it and i don't want to be misinterpreted as pitying him or thinking he's a good person and I certainly don't want to be forcing people to think about this shit again when they're done with it yk ??

But im not done, I still have big sad about it sometimes and idk what to do with that. I just wish bigbang would either quit or come back already I can't stand this limbo. I'm gonna support them no matter what they chose because I want them to be happy and do whats best for them. Whether that's new music or retiring or making things separately like whatever. I just wish they'd do it NOW. yk?

I just don't know if this feeling is ever going to go away. How do I reconcile two halves of my heart ?

[teeforhee]

Fuck, I'm not sure I'll ever get over how much CAMHS (child and adolescent mental health service, it's the under-18s mental health service in Scotland) let me down as a kid.

It's like this. You're 11 and you're traumatised but you're scared of using that word, you don't know if you're allowed it, but you are traumatised. And you're so anxious you can't breathe most of the time, you can't sit down and speak to any of your friends, you can do your school work but you keep falling apart and everything feels like it's getting worse all the time. You don't fit in, you're weird and awkward but your schoolwork is good so you aren't worrying about your grades, you're not even sure why you feel this way (it's unprocessed trauma, but again, you don't feel like you're allowed that word). You're s/hing and struggling with suicidal ideation, and you're lucky enough to still trust authority figures, so you do what everyone says you should. You trust an adult. And she calls your GP, who is another adult you choose to trust, who you bare your heart to with all of these symptoms that make your feel sick to even acknowledge, and then they make you an appointment with CAMHS. You came in asking for treatment. They referred you to CAMHS. They did not explain what CAMHS was other than what the letters stood for. That's okay - it's treatment, right? They're gonna help. You can talk this through and they'll help- just gotta be careful you don't get institutionalised. You don't want that, yet.

You talk to a CAMHS worker. She's a psychologist. She says it's very likely you have autism to your mother after your first session. Your mother broaches the topic gently. You are overjoyed: there's an answer! oh fuck, this explains so much! but it's not treatment. It's a word. The psychologist puts you on a waiting list and you have 22 sessions of CBT with her, trying to unpack your trauma and trying to build up coping skills. So many of them feel like just denying the truth, so many of them feed into your magical thinking ("the one thing you can control is your thoughts, you must always control your thoughts, good things will happen when you control your thoughts and stop thinking the bad thoughts"), but it's treatment, mostly. You stop seeing her twice- once because you are trying to develop an eating disorder and having a mental health professional who wants to hear how you're doing is totally cramping your style (I wasn't actually trying to develop an ED really, I was trying to cope in ways other than s/h, in ways that felt honest to the situation and real and gave me a sense of control that "controling my thoughts" just wasn't doing). You come back for recovery. You tell her you want an eating plan. By the time she even considers an appointment with a nutritionist, you've moved past that stage in your recovery on your own. You stop seeing her again because you get into an abusive relationship who doesn't really like you having contact with people who aren't him, and he super super doesn't like you not being able to talk to him for a whole hour every week. That part isn't their fault: no one could be gotten me out of that until I decided to; believe me, everyone around me tried, and it didn't work until I wanted I to, the third time.

But I left, again, I was without support for 6 months, and when I came back it was after my father (the earliest source of my trauma) had died. They take 4 sessions compiling evidence as to what treatment i needed going forward, without telling me that was what they were doing (I was trying to build trust with an adult again after 6 months of constant reinforcing that I couldn't trust anyone but my abuser), and then an appointment with a psychiatrist and your mother and a new psychologist. They dismiss and justify the symptoms that most worry me, they have at this point turned down my request to be institutionalised multiple times (including after an aborted suicide attempt, I presume they thought that was fine because made it clear that I did want to live), and they say at the end of the meeting that they are going to give me an official diagnosis of autism and that after that CAMHS has nothing more to offer me.

They say that if after 22 sessions with a psychologist I am still struggling so much (bear in mind that probably close to half of those sessions I was concealing factors that were actively making my mental health worse and which were traumatising me) I clearly can't gain anything more from their service, and anyway, autism isn't a mental illness and CAMHS as a service can only help while waiting for/trying to get a diagnosis, or if you have a diagnosis or a disorder for which they could provide specialist treatment. My very obvious PTSD? nah, no big-T Traumas, and c-ptsd is way too hard to diagnose. I receive a hilarious letter detailing all of the evidence (I mean genuinely insightful but also fucking hilarious and I do want to note down funniest bits and post them hear at some point, stuff like "unusual speech was noted, (exclamations of 'wacky!' while describing his symptoms)") and then they refer me to a charity which, at time of writing, I have had 1 assessment phone call with, and am waiting for a call back for my next and first proper appointment.

They did not inform me when I was first referred that CAMHS is a diagnostic and specialist treatment service and if they did (this was well over two years ago now, I don't remember word-for-word what my GP told me), they did not tell me that meant that they would kick me out to a charity once they figured they couldn't label me with anything requiring specialist treatment. During our last sessions they were unyeildingly focussed on the trauma of my father dying and of the "shock" of my diagnosis (that I had been waiting for for 2 years. yes, very shocking/s) when those were not my biggest problems. My relationship with my father is complex and I won't get into it here, but suffice it to say that his death was the last step on a very, very long journey, and honestly one of the least traumatising.

I let them keep the focus there because I desperately hate talking about the actual, recent, debilitating trauma of being in lockdown with an abusive partner for 6 months. That shit hurts, I can't even say his name, but that is the thing that I need to unpack if I'm ever going to be able to go outside in the sun again.

Repeatedly ignoring the requests I made for specific treatment until past the point where I needed it anymore, not informing me how the service I was going to be working with for 2 years even worked in something so basic as "what is this for? what will happen to me if I get a diagnosis they can't give me specialised care for?", telling an 11 year old child that suicidal ideation is "not that serious", a fundamental misunderstanding of what I needed and wanted to hear ('normal' is not a helpful word. 'normal' tells me 'suck it up, everyone experiences this and they're all fine, you're normal, just think better' why are they all so adamant that I am normal? Not even considering my mental health I am an autistic bisexual gnc trans guy, we went past whatever 'normal' means a long time ago, fucking listen to me), at every single step of the way this system has left me in the same state I was before, the only improvement being through support from my friends, fucking Childline (gd fucking bless Childline volunteers, but still, I shouldn't have been getting so little support that that felt like my only option), mental health masterposts on Tumblr, chats with my (luckily) very nice guidance counselor (they're called pastoral teachers here but I know most folks reading this are American or are most familiar with the American school system) and what amounts to gritting my teeth and getting through it.

It was worth it, of course my life was worth it, of course I say the same thing every person who's attempted suicide says, I'm more grateful than words could possibly express that I survived, that I get to go home in a few minutes and feed my kitten and write and message my friends, but for fucks sake it didn't need to be this hard. And it doesn't need to be this hard. I'm not out of the woods yet, I'm still waiting on that second appointment with this charity, I'm still 3+ months behind at school, and I'm one of the lucky ones. My boyfriend has been hurt worse by CAMHS, left even more isolated than I was, even more traumatised by the way he was treated, and every single person I know who's been in this system agrees that it's deeply, deeply flawed.

I don't want people to have competitions over who's medical experiences are worse, who's country has the worst mental health system, who's been the most traumatised by their psychiatrists or lack thereof, please. Please don't make this the suffering Olympics. I'm just making this post cause I know, I know that other people have had similar experiences, whether with CAMHS or whatever their equivalent is. Mental health services need serious reform that puts patients first, listens to their needs and requests, that is well funded and well staffed by people who care about their patients wellbeing more than they care about controling other people's lives.

Austerity in the UK is a huge reason why this happened the way it did- my first psychologist left the service to go work somewhere that pays better, leaving just one newly-graduated psychologist that clearly had no idea what she was doing and didn't care to sympathise or show compassion for me.

This shit needs to change, because kids need help, and this is not good enough.