#and if I need an extra dose and don't take it I can get very sick very fast

[tj-crochets]

Hey y'all! Weird question time again So I have kind of a lot of emergency/as needed medications that I have to have with me in my purse whenever I leave the house, and a few more that I have to take with meals, so if I'm going to leave the house for longer than a quick errand I need those too. The problem: I have two nieces that live nearby-ish, one of which is an absolute bundle of chaos of a toddler*, and the kidlet I babysat is going to visit next year. He's nine. If I spend time with any of those kids, how do I childproof my purse full of medications without making it difficult to access emergency medications I could need at very short notice while potentially pretty significantly impaired, like my rescue inhaler? *her parents babyproofed some doors with those latches high up on the door and she figured out how to take a broom and unlatch them

[xinganhao]

🐇 svt reacts to 'i used to have a little bit of a crush on you'.

anon → "svt reacting to reader texting them ‘i used to have a bit of a crush on u lol’ to test the waters (bc reader definitely still has that crush)"

⌗ ┆this took me a hot minute but tbh i was sold the moment i saw the ask. such a goood prompt

‧₊˚✩彡 includes: reader crushing on svt, [super duper light] angst (just with jihoon tbh), crack/fluff/etc., headcanons under the cut.

🐇 headcanons .ᐟ

someone as pouty as seungcheol would not let that text slide. 'used to'? he will absolutely pester you for details. on top of that, he'll mope about your feelings for him 'fading' so quickly. when you eventually confide to him that it's still a present-day thing, he'll probably hold a grudge until you go after him. he's not happy to be played with, especially when it comes to your feelings for him.

jeonghan, as usual, is quick on his feet. here's the thing: he's one of the few who know you're messing around. he probably knows you still have a crush on him and will be quick to mess with you so he can get you to admit that. he's smooth about how he confesses to reciprocating your feelings, although he has a way of making it look like it's harmless flirtation. he's already plotting on how to pull the rug underneath you next time for attempting to prank him like this.

it's so hard to joke about things like these with joshua. he'll be genuinely upset that your crush is in the past tense, and will be just as insistent as seungcheol in finding out why things might have changed. unable to resist his babygirl tendencies, you're likely to come clean and he'll do a full 180. he doesn't mind that you tried to prank him; he's amused, even, and mostly just glad that he has a reason now to confess as well.

junhui will be relentless. whether it's sending you his selfies or buying you food, he's going to be a little extra in bringing those feelings back. even if you insist that you were kidding and that the crush is still very much existent, he won't believe you. he's going to do everything for you to keep your eyes on him, no questions asked.

soonyoung is not about to waste a moment once he gets that text. if he has to drive, if he has to run, he'll do it. he'll be on your doorstep within minutes, out of breath and still his usual overdramatic self. "used to? used to?" he'll demand, minutes away from a full-on tantrum. "what do you mean, used to— when i like you nowww—?!"

if you're going to pull his leg, wonwoo is going to do it right back. he's always been calm and collected under pressure; this is no exception. he's not about to crack over a message that's so obviously a joke. like jeonghan, he has some sense that your feelings are still present tense. he's just a lot more suave in trying to get you to admit it. after all, wonwoo doesn't mind taking his time.

jihoon wouldn't be devastated, per se, but the little 'used to' will sting more than he really cares to admit. he's the type who will end up spiraling over this if you don't amend it quickly. what if i told them i liked them much earlier? what if i hadn't done this, hadn't done that? when you come clean, he'll probably just be like "oh." before taking it as a cue to finally be honest with himself (and you), too.

mingyu is in the club of those-who-know-the-crush-is-still-there, but he's definitely one of the more insufferable about it. he will wheedle that confession out of you if it's the last thing he does. in typical mingyu fashion, there's a healthy dose of teasing— but at the end of it all, you can trust that he'll give just as much as he takes.

seokmin would be so broken up about the fact that your supposed confession is after the fact. when he says he needs a moment, he's going to spend a couple of hours frantically typing out the best response in his notes app. it turns out to be more of a stream of consciousness where he praises you, confesses, and asks you out in one breath.

don't be fooled by minghao seeming the most normal about this whole thing. his hands are shaking as he types out his responses, as his mind goes absolutely overdrive on The Right Thing To Say. all of that goes out the window when you give him an opening. The Right Thing To Say be damned. he would very much like to find out what could have been different if you knew this could go somewhere.

if anybody would be playfully annoyed about this little turn of events, it'd be seungkwan. and he'd make it everybody's problem, too! by the time he gets back to you, half of the group already knows that you've allegedly gotten over your crush on seungkwan. when you confront him, he's quick to be the perfect picture of innocent. "what, gonna tell me it's wrong?" he'll tease. "you're just upset because you still like me, don't you?"

vernon's attempt to be chill backfires almost instantly. he's the type who will try (and fail) to feign nonchalance, like a confession from you is just an every day thing. but then you press and he realizes— well, there's not much hiding to do at this point. he'll tell you the truth if only because he's just glad to have it off his chest.

nobody is going to be more pissed at this prank than chan will be. not only did you manage to get him to accidentally confess, but he will also feel like his pride has taken a real hit. he'll give you a cold shoulder and whine about it for days. when he gets over it, only then will you have a chance to discuss what this all means. (and how you should never, ever joke around with chan about something like this ever again.)

[genderqueerdykes]

small observations for people who are just starting testosterone HRT

If you suffer from chronic fatigue, chronic illness, or mental illness, you may notice that your energy levels dip down very low after first starting T. this is due your body needing extra energy to process the extra hormones, not anything long lasting. after your body adjusts, this fatigue will go away, and you may actually find that you have way, way more energy now

Beards love to be patchy and mustaches love to be invisible or nonexistent at first. if your beard is patchy at first, or if you just can't grow a full mustache, this is also normal. it can take years of testosterone HRT for beards to become full, especially if you had low T to begin with. moisturizing your beard regularly can help reduce this, and also any potential itchiness from being too long. beards will get itchy for many if they get long.

The acne (should) go away after your body adjusts, and you will not be greasy forever. you will find that your natural body odor smells different, though. this lasts as long as you are on T, as far as i'm aware for most people, but it's only noticeable for me when i get very sweaty after a lot of exertion, or illness.

You may find after you adjust that you have generally a bit more stamina or ease with starting up or adjusting to new physical activities after you've adjusted. it may be easier for you to work out now because you don't become fatigued as easy, for example, or you may find it is easier for you to put on muscle density.

The mood swings will calm down in time- they are most severe right after you start T, and then taper down as your body adjusts. it doesn't turn you into a "rage monster". you just go through normal pubescent moodiness. it's manageable, especially if you have good coping skills like physical activity, journaling, or art while stressed.

Libido goes either way, i've noticed. many people see a huge spike in libido at first, sometimes it stays for a long time, other people don't notice any change whatsoever. also, T for most people will not change what gender or type of person you are attracted to, however it can change how you view yourself in relationships and lead you to changing your identity labels, or questioning things. it generally doesn't make people change their identities overnight, though

Periods do stop for the vast majority of transmascs. it can take a long time, but they do stop if your doseage of T is right for you. if yours haven't stopped and you do not have reproductive health issues, you likely just need a higher dose to see this effect.

Breast tissue reduces in density when higher levels of testosterone are in the body, so it is very likely that you will see your breasts become flatter or even "Deflate" a bit. this is entirely normal. my chest has been like this my entire life due to very high T from hyperandrogenism & intersexuality

Balding can definitely happen, but this is generally only if you have a genetic predisposition to it. i have actually not seen many transmascs bald, although for many of us, our hairlines do shift upwards, but it's not noticeable unless you compare how you look now to older pics of yourself, and generally it takes years for your hairline to migrate anyway, which is natural for AMAB people later in life anyway. even if you do bald, you can speak with your prescriber and have access to medications to help with balding. it's not the end of the road and many respond very well to medication.

[l0vergirls]

munchausen syndrome by proxy.

romantic yan!batfam <3

as requested by anon:

the symptoms start showing slowly in the form of fatigue, common headaches, and dizziness. as time passed, it got worse and worse, which left you bedridden.

it was tough to get used to, but you held onto the hope that it'll be gone in a couple weeks, just as bruce said.

during this time, they coddled you to no end.

dick often visited you with a hot meal in his hands, which he'd insisted on feeding to you even though you've proven you could do it yourself.

no use straining yourself with extra work, he said.

you could accept that he was a caretaker at heart, but it felt a bit much when he would run his fingers through your hair, whispering words of consolation.

tim was usually the one giving you your doses, as well as bruce. there was no reason to suspect him, after all, with his skittish grin and slightly awkward demeanor. sometimes, he would bring a handheld console with him to ease your boredom. you favored him slightly more than the others because of that.

jason visited you the least and when he would, he had an unreadable expression written all over his face. he wasn't bad company; conversations with him were always fluid and enjoyable, which was why you wondered why he seldom visited you when you were stuck in that room. you didn't hold it against him— you couldn't, for some reason.

damian liked visiting you, though if you didn't know him as well as you did, you couldn't exactly tell. you've learned to look at the most miniscule of his habits to read him. the most obvious one would be how his shoulders would slightly relax around you.

bruce was by your side most often, believe it or not. whether it be giving you your medicine, or just to spend the night sleeping on the chair whilst he holds you hand. he constantly reassured you that you'd be better in no time; not that you had any other choice but to believe him.

when the couple weeks are up, you've felt an improvement. that is until you suddenly feel like fainting after a shower.

you didn't— but the boys would rather not take a risk, so why not just stay here a bit longer? that way, they can monitor your vitals, and give you just what you need!

you're free to roam around the mansion, just don't push yourself too hard lest you want to find yourself back in that room.

and if you suddenly feel suffocated, so hopeless in that place, fearing that you may never get better? fret not, someone's always there to wipe your tears, hold you tenderly in his arms, and kiss away your sorrows.

do i think that jason would feel very guilty basically having a hand in taking away your autonomy? yes . will i elaborate on this? let me get back to you on that .......

[just-a-ghost00]

Predictions for the next 3 months

Pick your group based on your sun sign’s element. As a reminder, water signs are Cancer, Scorpio and Pisces. Earth signs are Virgo Taurus Capricorn. Fire signs are Aries Leo Sagittarius and Air signs are Gemini Libra Aquarius.

Water signs

Predictions | White Numen, Queen of cups, 9 of cups, ace of cups, The Moon, 2 of wands

Well, water babies, it is safe to say that during the upcoming 3 months, you will be in your element. And that might be because Scorpio season is approaching. If you are a Scorpio sun, this time of the year will definitely be a good time for you. You will be going through a very creative and inspiring phase of your life and embody your highest divine feminine potential. Guided by your intuition and your dreams, you may be manifesting great opportunities, especially when it comes to partnerships. Information will be revealed to you during night time. You will be receiving downloads from your guides during this period to help you successfully plan your future. The energies look very positive for you. If you were struggling in your relationships lately, the energies will be soothed and you may enjoy your time with loved ones more. If you're in a romantic relationship, expect your partner to be more in tune with your needs and showing more affection. If you're single, you may be meeting a new romantic interest or receiving a romantic offer from someone you already met. Regarding your career, the energies seem to be working in your favor. You are going to move forward with a very soothing and nurturing energy, an assured step and creative mindset that will enable you to be efficient and well liked by your coworkers and audience. This is a very beneficial time for you, especially if you are a mother or are seeking to conceive a child, if you work with children, if your job involves being creative or nurturing others. Your positive attitude and motherly nature will work like a charm on others. During these months, self care is the master word. Though you may sometimes feel triggered or challenged, you will be able to astutely and skillfully manoeuvre your way through or around any obstacle, like a beautiful and powerful river.

Advice | Sodalite Deepen your intuition, Astrophyllite Unlock your highest potential, Larimar Slow your roll

You can work with the energies of the crystals mentioned above to help you navigate through the upcoming months. Most of them are of a blueish color. It is safe to say that wearing blue could also be beneficial to you as it will soothe your mind and heart, help clear your throat chakra and convey a feeling of trustworthyness to your partners. You are encouraged to deepen your intuitive skills through meditation or any other mean that gets you to look inward, like praying or doing a physical activity, going out in nature and so on. The energy of Sodalite will help you if you are planning for a project or if you are a producer. It is best used when you have a hard time decision making. Larimar will help you with anger management, especially when you feel like people's issues become yours. It is best advised if you tend to be hot tempered. Finally, Astrophyllite will be good if you need an extra dose of energy to work toward your divine purpose. It is mainly meant to boost your energy. During this time, you are encouraged to be kind to yourself and take time to slow down once in a while. It is important that you don't overwork yourself to keep a cool and sharp mind.

Group 2 - Earth signs

Predictions | 9 of cups, knight of cups, Hierophant, The Fool, The Moon, 2 of swords

Ooh Earth signs, love is in the air for you. That would be true especially if you are a Taurus sun. Are you planning on asking someone out? Or even proposing to someone? If that is your case, though you may feel anxious about it, I see a positive outcome to this situation. In general, I see a significant progress in romantic relationships for Earth sun signs. If you've been frequently day dreaming about a person, wishing to get closer to them, wondering if you should make a step forward and let your intentions be known, this is your sign to make a move. Career wise, I feel like the energies are overall in your favor. You will be taking a new turn in your career, especially if your passions and dreams are involved. This new phase may be a bit intimidating and confusing, for you are not sure where the path will lead. But your positive outlook on things and your passion and dedication will be your best assets in such a time. Your intuition will be a powerfool tool to help you navigate shallow and uncertain waters in all areas of your life. If you were hesitating on changing something regarding your work, this is your sign to do it confidently. You may often times find yourself caught up in your head and have a hard time translating your thoughts and visions into actions. In such times, a mentor figure could be helping you in seeing things from a new perspective. You can definitely count on your superiors or more experienced people around you, whether they are family members, coworkers or friends. Even strangers could be of help in some type of way. Have faith in your dreams, no matter how crazy they may sound. You have what it takes to get there.

Advice | Ametrine Make your big dreams your big life, Moldavite Transform your life on Earth, Barite Get answers to your biggest questions

Working with these crystals is one way that you can best face the energies of the upcoming months. Wearing earthly colors such as green, reds and browns, yellows and oranges could also boost your energy and help you ground yourself should you feel distracted or all over the place. You are encouraged to embrace your dreams fully and make positive changes in your daily life that can help you get closer to those dreams. To give you a very simple example, I am considering getting back to learning Japanese and Korean. One thing that I could do is studying for a short period of time each day when I am in public transport. Or I could stick post it notes on different objects in my house to help me remember vocabulary. You are also encouraged to consider other options and paths if what you're currently doing doesn't fulfill you. Same goes for relationships. If something in general doesn't feel right, you are called to do something about it. Ametrine will work best whenever you need to respect a deadline or you are feeling undecisive. Moldavite is advised for spiritual seekers or people that feel like their life lacks a touch of magic. It's best used when you feel like you are disconnected from spirit or too deeply rooted in your routine. Barite will work best for those of you that are feeling like where they're at isn't where they're supposed to be and feel called to move toward their destiny. If you struggle with saying no to things that you don't enjoy or resonate with, this crystal will help you with setting boundaries.

Group 3 - Fire signs

Predictions | Wheel of fortune, Hermit rx, 7 of pentacles rx, Ace of cups, King of cups, The Magician

For all of you beautiful fireworks, I feel like there's a major shift in your energy. You are tired of waiting for the tables to turn and for Fortune to be in your favor so you will take the reigns of your life and try your luck by spinning the wheel. That may be true especially for the Leos out there, as the Wheel of fortune is fixed sign energy. If you were previously in a snail like energy, not wanting to get out or mingle with people, not feeling super good about yourself and how your life is going, then this reading is for you. This time around you decide to kick yourself in the butt and have a more proactive energy in all areas of your life. You are done being the patient and snuggly little kitty that waits by the fire place. You now want to be the demanding and authoritative feline that hunts down its prey. You are tired of waiting for others to fill your cup and take care of you. You will now be your own man and number one fan. You are done waiting for your boss to magically notice how good of a business partner you are and grant you a promotion. You will get out of your seat and negotiate your pay because you damn well deserve it. The opportunity you wanted didn't show up? Well, it's about time you actively manifest it. Your desired partner is still MIA? Watch yourself putting yourself out there and being the hottest topic in town. You will let yourself be known and seen during the upcoming months and that is for the best. It is safe to say that fire signs, in the upcoming three months, are likely to get fired up. That can both be beneficial to you as it will give you the drive to reach your goals and express your full potential but it could also be an obstacle as you may rush into things or come off as provocative or aggressive toward others.

Advice | Amber Recharge your good vibes, Aquamarine Keep your cool, Chrysoprase Grow from your heart out

Working with these crystals could be beneficial to you during this period of time. Wearing colors such as soft blues or yellows/oranges could also be helpful. You are advised to temper yourself and surround yourself with things and people that make you feel good and uplift your spirits. I'm specifically picking up on music and your social media feed. You have to be surrounded by content that motivates you and inspires you. Anytime you are faced with a decision, make sure your choice is coming from your heart. Amber will be useful to boost your energy, deepen intimacy and help you be more confident when it is worn by the user. It can also help with cleansing the energy of a room if the crystal is placed in the center of it. Aquamarine is a good crystal for fire signs as it balances out their fiery nature with it's soothing watery vibe. It helps with communication and respiratory issues, also brings a sense of calmness. It is sometime advised to clean Aquamarine by submerging it in water. "If you’re an empath and get worn out by others’ feelings, chrysoprase can ease your mind and help you establish boundaries." This crystal can be linked to the heart chakra and can be used to get out of a phase of isolation and self-deprecation.

Group 4 - Air signs

Predictions | 4 of wands, 9 of pentacles, 2 of wands, knight of wands, King of wands, King of pentacles

The upcoming 3 months may be a period of transition for you. However, this heralds positive outcomes. When it comes to partnerships and love, you will feel safe and succesful in your union. You might want to explore new territories with your partner. Career wise, your efforts are paying off. I see you securing your position and being in a comfortable financial situation that allows you to explore other options and new projects. If you were considering taking on a new responsibility, finding a new home, taking things to the next level with your partner, you are encouraged to do so as you have all the tools and means at hand to be succesful in that endeavor. You may feel inspired and bold during this time. You will be confident about your ideas, your skills, your projects. You will look at the future with a peaceful heart because you believe in yourself and trust in your ability to turn dust into gold. Your innovative mind and open spirit will be your best assets, especially if you're in a position of authority. These three months will urge you to take a leadership position, whether it is in your personal or professional life. For those of you who are single, you may find yourself being attracted to a very independant and hardworking person, someone that is stable and succesful. This person will be very clear on their intentions and match your level. This is someone that is on the same wavelength as you when it comes to ideals and life projects, they could be in the same field of work or hold a position similar to yours. They could be a balanced mix of earth and fire energy. Overall the next three months look very promissing for you in all areas of your life.

Advice | Clear quartz, Tiger's eye, Celestite

Tiger's eye is often advised for spiritual protection as well as boosting one's self confidence. If you are feeling like you are being spiritually attacked or envious eyes are trying to set you off balance, you can definitely wear that stone as a piece of jewelry or place it in your space, at home or at work. Clear quartz brings clarity and cleansing. Whenever you feel like things are getting too much or you no longer see the bigger picture, you can meditate using that stone. As for Celestite, it can be used to enhance your psychic abilities, to ease your anxiety or clear any blockages regarding communication. If you ever feel like you can't express your truth properly, then definitely work with that stone. You can also wear colors that are close to that of these stones. So white, blues or shades of brown/orange.

[gatitties]

Hellooo! Im so happy you opened your request 😩Can i request something for platonic Yandere strawhats (zoro and luffy really) with a teen! Reader who acts snarky and bold but they’re scared of everything form a butterfly to a emperor of the sea so they refuse to join the crew? If possible could you include law as well. Tyy💕

─Yandere!Strawhats (Luffy & Zoro) & Law x teen!reader (Platonic)

─Summary: you are a stubborn teenager and you refuse to have extra 'protection', bad luck for you…

─Warnings: manipulation, death, mention of gutting someone, blood, unjustified obsession, toxic behaviors, yandere stuff...

─ Are you an idiot? Affectionate question that these two ask each other when they meet you.

─ You are brave and stubborn enough to get hurt during a fight but you run away if you see a butterfly because bugs are ugly and scary according to you.

─ And on top of that you deny his offer to be on his crew? Your pride is going to make these two men bald, they are doing all this for your good, you should be more aware of their actions.

─ Luffy is by your side day and night repeating over and over again that you are part of his crew, he will refuse to leave the island without you, you are too young, inexperienced and afraid to survive on your own even if you have family who can take care of you.

─ In fact, Zoro already took care of that, definitely if your family members didn't exceed his expectations, which to no one's surprise, they didn't, they wouldn't be able to protect you like he would.

─ It took them at least a week to persuade you enough with some manipulation, with the help of Robin, and even when you were half convinced to leave in search of not-so-desired adventures, they ended up kidnapping you because you were still stubborn.

─ So you found yourself glued to two idiots against your will, playing games with Luffy that even at your age wouldn't find fun, watching in silence as Zoro flexed his muscles while he trained.

─ And if you thought that someone from the crew was going to help you get out of that spiral of obsession you were very wrong, if they weren't threatened, they would also be somewhat obsessed with keeping you safe after spending some time by your side.

─ They will take advantage of how scared you are, literally anything would make you jump two meters off the ground, once you were scared of your own shadow, everyone will take advantage of it to scare you and make you hug them.

─ No matter how much you fight, Luffy needs at least one hug daily and will wrap his rubber arms around you completely suffocating you, Zoro is not that fussy, but he will use you as a stuffed animal to hug during his naps.

─ Don't even think about seeking comfort from anyone other than them or at least part of the crew when you're scared, they are the only ones who can help you, understand, the others only want to use you and won't take care of you as well as they do.

─ Many failed escape attempts, either because you have been caught or because you were just sailing through waters infected with sea monsters, you always end up locked up overnight as punishment.

─ If necessary, they will knock you out so that you do not put yourself in danger, your sarcasm and sometimes bad temper can put you in dangerous situations and they are not going to go through that, they would have to kill someone again.

─ He was just passing by, your island was in a small fever pandemic and Law was just helping the whole town a little, however you seemed so out of it when you were sick, so lost and hurt, you reminded him of his sister.

─ He simply took you away to, supposedly, cure you since he had better equipment on the submarine, you couldn't even fight against this because seriously, it seems like you have one foot in the grave when you're sick.

─ He got rid of all your discomforts, but he also discovered that you were a big mouth, but hey, no one likes to be kidnapped so he got a good dose of irritating adolescence.

─ It was difficult to make you see reason that you would be much better off with him and that your island was potentially dangerous, it's not like you came to reason but he forced you to listen to him and collaborate with some threats.

─ He was quite surprised when one night you asked him to sleep with him because you saw a spider prowling around your room, even though you were a very sarcastic and sassy person, you were very scared and he used that as an advantage.

─ Do you want to get out of the submarine? It's okay, just hold his hand and you can go anywhere, do you want to go outside alone? No way, do you know about the insects, contagious diseases and monsters that can wait for you out there? Of course not, you're just a teenager.

─ He always makes excuses that something that terrifies you is hanging around the islands where you stop.

─ Maybe if you get too annoying or whiny about not being able to go out on your own, he'll let you go on your own for a bit… although it only gives you a false feeling of freedom since you always have one of the crew members watching you closely.

─ No teenage romance, he is not going through that time, if necessary he will show you the person you like dissected to scare you enough to think twice about trying to escape.

─ Consider all escape attempts a failure because Law has everything really calculated and the crew is too afraid at this point, they were the ones who had to clean the mutilated corpses of the people who were on the blacklist.

─ Because Law wrote down each of the people who have done something to you that he considers bad or harmful to you.

─ He has already lost a sister, he's not going to lose another even if you are not related to him by blood.

[palepersonacoffee]

💜for the ask game?

💜 What is your favourite fantasy involving detrans/misgen?

My doctor decides I'd be be better off as a girl. Of course, if I knew that that's what they thought, I would switch doctors, so they don't tell me. Instead, they trick me into detransitioning- They tell me that my T levels are abnormally high, so I need to take a lower dose to get me back on track. After all, extra testosterone in the body turns into estradiol or something right? We don't want that. So they halve my dose indefinitely, and send me to a therapist that's in on the game. I think the therapist is kind of weird, but I don't want my mental health to take a turn because I'm sad about my lower dose.

The next appointment I go in to see the doctor, they tell me to take my shirt off. I ask why, and they gaslight me into thinking it's so they can check my health somehow- but they don't do it right away. I sit there on the table covering my chest up while they talk about the new drugs they're prescribing me. I don't think about anything but how humiliated I am- Whats Flibanserin? What's domperidone? What's Metoclopramide? What's topamax and why is the dose on that so high? I don't know and I'm not paying attention. I'm just desperately wishing I could put my shirt back on. When theyre finished listing off all the new medications I need to take, the brush my hands put of the way where I was covering up like it's the most normal thing in the world. They start squeezing my tits, massaging them, pinching and pulling and jiggling. I'm squeezing my eyes shut wishing it was over.

My next appointment, I'm really confused for some reason. Dizzy and stupid and dim. The therapist has been having me undress to talk about my trauma because somehow that's going to help me, so it's not weird that the doctor is having me undress now. They finger my sloppy cunt while they tell me that I need to stop taking testosterone entirely, it's very dangerous for me. I try to ask why but I'm so out of it, they just brush right over me. They put me on estrogen and I don't even notice. They tell me that to keep myself healthy, I need to start pumping my breasts. There's yucky stuff in there and I need to get it all out every night before I can start taking T again. They up my dose on everything. They tell me I can go ahead and leave my boxers and jeans and binder with them, I don't need them, they need to make sure I'm not using them to hurt myself. Oh, here's the breast pump I need btw. Start immediately.

My next appointment, I'm basically brainless. The therapist had to drop me off. Why was the therapist driving me around places again? What happened to all my boy clothes? Why are my tits so big? I can't remember. I don't have the brainpower to think about it for very long. The doctor doesn't even bother talking to me other than to tell me to strip. They press something big into my wet vagina, so big it's uncomfortable and I can't close my legs around it. Somehow, maybe using a medical glue, they make sure it stays inside me. Then they start fingerings my ass open, and do the same there. They tell me it's unsafe for me to be alone, but luckily there's a clinic near here that can help me. I need to be admitted ASAP. I look ridiculous when they finally let me stand up from where I was bent over the examination table, I can't even walk right. I waddle around, crab walking because I can't close my legs around the things inside me. They don't say anything when they pry my mouth open to stuff something inside there, either- I don't realize it, but it's my old boxers. They expect me to just stupidly take it without any explanation, and I do. They tell me to step into the closet over there and they shut the door behind me, locking me in until the end of their shift. I can hear them starting the same thing with another confused girl, but I cant make any noise to warn them. I wouldn't know what was even happening anyways. I can barely articulate my own name. When their shift is finally over, they take me to the clinic- It's just their house.

[cenorii]

Drunken theory about EYES

Let's get away from game conventions and the fact that Capcom could have trivially forgotten or left something out. I wrote this theory under temperature, so there is a certain level of absurdity present, especially since I dreamed it and that was the reason for writing it. I warned you!

Until there is an official explanation, this article is up to date.

What is this theory about? It's about both Wesker's eyes and PG67A/W. It's about why his eyes change color and what it depends on.

So, let's talk about PG67A/W first. It is not officially known when exactly this serum was created, but I believe it is definitely after 2003. That's when Wesker merged with Tricell, because the syringe has their brand label on it. He needs PG67A/W to «stabilize the force». But what is this «stabilization» really? We don't really know what happens to Wesker without the serum. The game says that he loses strength without it and so he needs the serum to stabilize his body, but I have a different opinion, which I'll tell you in a moment.

Between 1998 and 2003, Wesker is unable to use PG67A/W because it has not yet been invented. However, the powers he gained from the virus have not left him during these 5 years, he is far beyond a normal human. While fighting Sergei and his Ivans in 2003 (Umbrella Chronicles) he displayed his standard set of abilities. The only thing he lacked was speed, the same speed in re5.

We conclude that he only needs PG67A/W to have speed. It was speed and reaction that he «lost» when Chris and Sheva injected him with an overdose of PG67A/W in re5. However, the strength remained the same, thanks to it, he punched the rocket with Uroboros with his arm.

In fact, if you give him an extra dose of PG67A/W, he doesn't lose any of his abilities, including his speed. Wesker's body is only overloaded, which causes a severe headache as his body tries to cope with the strain. His powers then increase even more, causing them to become difficult to control. When Chris injected him with an extra dose again, his strength became not just difficult, but impossible to control, and he gave up speed altogether, because it was trivially useless.

--------------------------------------------

Now that we've dealt with how the serum works, let's talk about the abnormality of his eyes. Wesker's eye color is closely related to his ability status. I'll go into detail in a moment.

To make it easier to understand what I'm talking about, we need to trace the entire history of the change. In the fandom, it is commonly believed that his eyes were originally blue, and after the virus injection, they became permanently red-orange. But what if I told you that they change color all the time?

Re1 it's simple - blue. This is the very beginning of the story, so this color is taken as the standard color.

Then the Umbrella Chronicles plot happens, where his eyes changed color for the first time (in the timeline of the story).

The red glow is something similar to re5, however it momentarily goes out, returning his eyes to a blue color, but why? It's really unclear why they're still blue here if the game was released in 2007, long after Code Veronica (2000), in which his eyes were redesigned long ago.

Is the old color persisting not because of Capcoms inattention, but because of canonical processes in his body? The eyes can't instantly change their appearance and need time to fully mutate? We'll come back to that.

Ibid, in Umbrella Chronicles, his eyes are no longer blue in the official material.

Wesker then appears in Code Veronica and there his eyes have the familiar orange look for the first time (according to the games release chronology), like on official Umbrella Chronicles materials.

Given that the events here take place in 1998, like re1, one can really assume that Wesker needed some time to mutate fully.

In 2002, Wesker appears in Operation Javier (Darkside Chronicles, 2009), his eyes blue again.

In 2003, one of the storylines of Umbrella Chronicles and Prelude to the Fall, his eyes came back to design from Code Veronica.

In 2005, when re4 released his eyes are blue again. I could say that this was allowed by accident, when Wesker's model, from the re1 remake, Capcom simply forgot to change the eye color. But that theory is ruined by one small fact... the remake.

In the re4 remake, his eyes aren't orange either (actually they are orange, but human).

They're not blue, of course, but different from Code Veronica, suggesting that his eyes probably do lose their inhuman appearance over time, slowly turning into normal eyes. In Code Veronica, they're orange because Wesker is at the peak of his powers, but over time he weakens, his eyes change, and he needs PG67A/W to get things back to the way they were, only with bonuses like reaction and speed.

And by the way, in the concepts for re5 there's a shot where Wesker's eyes regain their blue color. If even at the stage of game development Capcom thought about this feature, when the developers already had several games where his eye color varied, then it can be considered a canonical feature. We take into account not only this concept, which was not included in the game, but also the eye from the remake of re4, which does not look like Code Veronica or re5 at all.

In standard form, after taking PG67A/W and\or at the peak of his powers, Wesker's eyes look like this. Essentially identical to Code Veronica, it just looks better due to the graphics.

My conclusion: the color of his eyes directly shows the state of strength. Weakened body - first the pupil changes, becoming round again, and then the color already changes, gradually «dimming» in approaching the original (blue) color. After taking the serum - red or orange color with a narrow pupil. The blue color could mean complete weakness, but judging by re4r, he doesn't drive himself to that extreme state, so it's unlikely Capcom will ever show such a thing again. The only time his mutated eyes have been blue canonically is Umbrella Chronicles, but there it's due (presumably) to the mutation not being completed yet, and also in Darkside Chronicles.

Yes, I actually had a dream that I was writing this theory, but I had to do some brainstorming to turn it into something readable, as well as gather material. Don't take it too seriously.

[cumaeansibyl]

okay this is my biggest conspiracy theory except it's not really a Conspiracy Theory because I am not actually positing a shadowy prime mover who planned the whole thing from the start. that always ends up in wildly antisemitic places where I do not go, and also I don't think anyone in history has had their shit together enough to mastermind Schemes of this type. my theories are always more like "this happened serendipitously and at some point maybe someone noticed and took advantage but there's certainly no central figure in charge."

so we start with the normalization of overwork in our society, since roughly forever. in modern times this led to abuse of medical and recreational stimulants -- everyone was on speed in the 50s and coke in the 80s -- but we all kind of figured out that was a bad idea, for the most part. what we still had after the white powder settled, though, was caffeine. totally legal, totally normalized.

but people were still overworked, and they also still wanted to have energy after work, to do fun things with the little free time left to them.

enter energy drinks.

unlike coffee, which still has the feeling of a daytime beverage and also to some extent a workplace beverage, energy drinks are an anytime food! you can even get them in mixed drinks for a night out. they're for work AND play. they come in a wide range of dose strengths, including a shooter for when you're in really dire straits. after all, taking caffeine pills feels like "pill-popping," but having a little beverage is fine, right?

at the same time, there is increasing interest in remedies for a variety of unspecific ailments caused by "toxins," the new buzzword in a very old industry of patent nostrums and dubious cure-alls. the theory is that some sort of unspecified substance has entered your body, and in order to feel well again you need to detox and cleanse -- which in practice involves a lot of induced defecation. And this is supposed to be good for feelings of fatigue, muscle soreness, anxiety, stomach upset, and difficulty sleeping.

See where I'm going with this?

The "toxins" that make you feel terrible all the time are caffeine. Not heavy metals, or refined sugar, or vaccines, or yeast. It's just fucking caffeine.

Well, caffeine and chronic overwork/sleep deprivation, which is not entirely a direct result of the caffeine but is certainly enabled/exacerbated by it. Everyone is working too much and taking stimulants to get through the day and in fact experiencing mild overdose symptoms on a fairly regular basis (irritable? jittery? that's caffeine toxicity) and it's no wonder we all feel like shit.

And then! When you come home from your day of pushing your mind and body too hard! It is ALSO normalized to take downers to level out! Alcohol is also a toxin, and it takes a lot less of it to start doing systemic damage than most people realize. When you wake up in the morning feeling foggy and achy, it may not be enough to register as a proper hangover, but it's almost certainly the combined effect of alcohol and caffeine withdrawal. Both mild! Both nearly harmless and easily recovered from! If you're not doing it on a regular basis and if you're getting enough rest, which you're not, as we previously established.

It's the chronicity that's the issue, the neverending grind of it all. You can't recover from chronic sleep deprivation or overwork with an extra few hours of rest on the weekends. You can't recover from long-term chemical dependence with a 24-hour tolerance break. If you're a wage earner in late-stage capitalism your options for reversing the damage are pretty limited and they all look like deprivation: prioritizing an unbroken 8-9 hours of sleep per night may well mean giving up most if not all of your social life and leisure activities. Fuck that.

And to be clear, I don't consider choosing to stay out late with a vodka Red Bull to be a personal failure of any kind, just like I don't think poor people should never buy themselves anything nice. If work keeps trying to take more and more of your time, you gotta carve out time for yourself somewhere. But... y'all know me. I want people to know the risks.

I think a lot of people don't realize that their bodies are under this much strain. They don't know that we are better suited for a 4-6 hour work day, that 6-7 hours of sleep is genuinely not enough for most people, that as little as 2 cups of coffee might be enough to put them over the recommended maximum caffeine intake. They don't know that they're drinking enough alcohol to cause health problems.

If you know and you decide to do it anyway that's fine, it's your right. I do inadvisable shit all the time. But people don't know, they're not being told, because they can't be allowed to question the material conditions they're being forced to endure -- and then they're being sold a bunch of useless or even harmful bullshit to "cure" the inevitable consequences of those conditions.

[schizosupport]

hey, can i ask some advice? if u dont have any its fine!

i just got diagnosed and im getting on meds soon, and like, logically i know its good cause when im at my worst i am bad and i dont want to keep living life like that, but im terrified of medication like, any kind. the stuff im already on for like, chronic illness stuff was enough of a struggle but anti psychotics terrify me.

so basically, do u have any advice for someone getting on medication for the first time? i dont know anyone like me (schizophrenic style) and so i dont rlly have anyone to ask for advice

feel free to not answer if u dont want to, and thank u for ur time!!

Hey there anon!

My advice about antipsychotics, as well as any other psychiatric medication, is to give it a try with an open mind. Your mind should be open towards the possibility that this is helpful as well as the possibility that it's harmful. The most likely experience is that there will be things that suck about being on medication, and things that are easier on medication. And you need to be prepared to make a cost benefit analysis about what's right for you.

Another thing to keep in mind is "what kind and what dose". I often see people being put on a quite high dose right off the bat, because the psych has an idea that that's the "right dosis for psychosis". But actually people are very individual, and sometimes much less will do it.

I'm currently on the irriest bittiest baby dose of risperidone. When I was initially put on that 8-9 years ago, they soon gave me a dose that was much too high for me, and as a result I changed to another med (abilify) which was honestly way less compatible with me, but more tolerable at a higher dose.

So ... Doctors often don't like when you want to be informed and use Google to look into meds and stuff like that. But I cannot recommend it enough to look up the standard doses of the medication you get described, and see where your dose falls. If the med isn't having the desired effect, your psych might continue to increase the dose. It's good to know when enough is enough. Don't look up the side effects, but do keep a little list/diary about emerging physical or mental symptoms. And have someone else crosscheck that with the side effects at a point.

Some psychs will prescribe more than one antipsychotic to the same person long term. This is generally not recommended, so especially as an initial move, that would be a red flag to me. Same can be said for starting you out on a high dose, when it sounds like you aren't currently in a psychotic episode. If the med is intended as a longer-term stabilizer and not a way to shut down a psychotic episode, it shouldn't be at too high a dose. For many reasons, up to and including, you want to leave room to increase the dose if you do have a major psychotic episode and need extra help coming out of it.

With all those precautions made I also wanna say that antipsychotics CAN be a good and helpful tool. For me they help me sleep and they take the edge off in a way that nothing else really does. They increase my coherence and they give me a thicker skin to deal with the difficulties of life. In that way they make me stronger.

[ourloveiselectrifying]

Hello hello! It's me DFP

I'm wondering where you learned/are you learning to Code? I find the structure of your game quite entertaining and I like to take a little inspiration from it (If I'm allowed)

And I tried to make images that are options but apparently I'm still a long way from leaving the beta of my projects So I wanted to seek advice from you

(Also, if this is not the correct account to ask this I apologize, but if you have some very good advice that can help me please feel free to go to my DMs)

Hello DFP! :3 (I'm not exactly sure what you mean by structure sorry, but probably yes haha) 

I didn't learn coding. In fact, the scariest part of my game is the code itself! I would like to take classes in art and coding someday! It's just not a great time in my country to be spending money atm ahahahaha- (cries in national housing and inflation crisis)

If you're using Renpy to make a VN, smart people would recommend giving the Renpy and Python's offcal guides a good look and watching Renpy tutorials on youtube.

For me, I'm the kinda person that only takes in information by dissecting and breaking things, then learning from the mistakes. I looked at the front page of the Python pdf, and it made my ADHD repossess my body despite being on the max dose of ritalin. I immediately closed it then skimmed through the Renpy quickstart, not really taking in any of the information, jumped right into designing the main menu, minced up the code, caught a bunch of errors, and had to check out fourms for fixes.

Have some random tips that may or may not be helpful since I don't know your skill level and I, am infact, not skilled in Renpy, I have no idea what I'm doing half the time! :3

Make new files for everything, don't just put it all in the script or it's going to get ridiculous.

Scripts get LONG use # and add notes, so you can CTRL + F and find stuff easily.

If you're like me, check out renpy's reddit/lemma soft fourms, if you're not getting good goog search results, it might be the words you're using, I had this issue a lot, try changing up words in your question (options/preferences/choices/decisions)

When you're learning copy and paste the code/answer, once you know the the code and can type it out fast, then starting manually typing it out.

Always check the dates on posts, there's a bunch of old renpy guides/fourms that don't work anymore.

There is more than one way to skin a dingo (sorry kevin), if you've found a fix that seems ridiculous but it's working, keep it!

If you have anger problems prepare to get fuckin' pissed off! Before you start coding have a coffee/bottle of water/energy drink beside you, so you have to walk away to take angry piss breaks and can clear your head.

If you absolutely cannot figure something out, make a copy, put it aside and work on something else until you're a little more skilled.

I have three copies of olie, the one that works, the one that I'm experimenting on, and the one on a USB I copy when I get drunk and forget which is my "fuck around" code and which is my "don't touch it, it works" code and I annihilate my game. Make regular backups to your USB for any emergencies, houses burn down. Limit your drinking while coding.

Compare code to the game base if you're coming up with errors. Goog the exact error that pops up when the game crashes. (renpy expected statement)

Click the blue text and it'll take you to it. Sometimes it's not very accurate and you need to look a little above or below the line the error happened. 70% of the time your error is a missing space or "," or an extra space!

I also recommend checking out all the shortcuts on your code editing software (I'm using visual studio code!) I was manually adding indents to each line, which was wasting an insane amount of time LMAO ;w; 

I'm not exactly sure what you mean by images that are options, but I'm guessing an imagebutton? If you search "renpy imagebutton" there's a few forums and tutorials that will guide you but it's like this.

You need a screen for your buttons, an image, if you're feeling funky add transforms to the button, else just use a different image for idle/hover!

Add the anchor before you do xpos/ypos because it messes around with the positions and you'll have to re-adjust the xpos/ypos again. You need anchor for the transitions to work properly.

If you want the button to make a sound on click add activate_sound or remove it if you don't want one, it's optional.

This is how you make the transform, you can do a TON of different transforms. This is a simple idle/hover transform. ease is the animation type/speed, alpha is transparency, 1.0 is fully visible, 0.0 is transparent, at 0.5 on idle, it has a dimmed effect. the zoom makes it bigger. Make a new file for this one!

Buttons have a TON of actions to choose from, this is a time I actually would checkout renpy's offical guides. This one does the same as a jump at the end of a label or choice.

If you want your game to not pause when your buttons are visible, just use "show screen nameofthescreenhere zorder 20" (zorder is the layers, 20 is like usually the top, you can go higher though)

If you want your game to pause while the screen is up, use call screen instead of show!

I probably won't do too many of these coding/renpy support things on my tumblr but, OLIE'S discord server has a few game dev channels for coding support if you'd want to join there! :3

I wish you well and goodluck on your game!!! 💖🫡🍀

[good-beans]

You talked a little while ago about why you don't think Shidou would make a good father to Amane (agreed) and proposed the idea of Mahiru adopting Amane. That's cute but I want to tell you about my post-MILGRAM headcanon:

Amane joins the Kajiyamas

Not Fuuta specifically adopting her, but like him taking her back to his family's house. I'm sure they'd have a spare room

I think people don't think about Fuuta's homelife much, or if they do they take Fuuta's one interrogation question where he calls his dad an old fogey and assume its like, abusive

And don't get me wrong, I don't think the Kajiyama household are perfect. Fuuta' beautician sister surely hasn't helped when it comes to Fuuta's body image issues and I'm betting they're all a bunch of tsunderes too embarrassed to say they love each other

But in a series where most of the abused characters are still convinced their abuser loved them/acted out of love. Seeing a guy not be afraid to call his dad a loser is almost a green flag

I think it'd be good for Amane to not necessarily be adopted as the lone child to a single parent but get to be introduced to a very different style of family unit from her own One where its normal to express different opinions or disagreements or even have arguments and not have it be the end of the world

Amane already has a snarky side to her, I bet it'd flourish in a brash household like the Kajiyama's (or at least how I imagine them to be)

OOHHH wait I love that so much! >:O

I agree -- I never interpreted Fuuta's family as abusive or harmful, just not super close and struggling a bit after his mother left. (And yeah, all as openly emotional as him😭) They seem stable and very capable to taking in a extra, very well-behaved child. Assuming Fuuta is the way he is because of them, that atmosphere of being very honest and forward would work well for her. They say things as they are, little by little pointing out the harmful parts of her worldview. Like you said, none of them make excuses about harmful behavior stemming from love, so she'd get a really healthy dose of truth in that area. She never feels coddled or treated like a baby. They care for her while treating her very maturely.

I absolutely love how well she and Fuuta get along, with that snarky side to her that you mentioned. It would allow her to fit in well in the new household, getting the sense of belonging she'll lose after leaving the cult. Also, seeing how Fuuta and his sister let things slip and aren't perfect sons/daughters, she'll be able to relax about earning a parent's love through perfect behavior. She'll probably stay exactly the same, but her stress about it will fade <3

I doubt Fuuta's father can ever replace the hole she'll have from her own father, but the addition of an older sister will be huge. Amane will never get the feeling her mother is being replaced, but the woman will still fill the gap of the older, same-gender role model she needs. Her beautician job may throw Amane at first (being an indulgence in vanity), but it isn't as in-your-face as other careers. I think she could definitely ease Amane into accepting it, and over time, accepting her own personal "indulgence."

Plus, her moving in would also be really good for Fuuta! I think he'd recognize there's a ton of fun things she missed out on, and that heroic side of him outweighs the part that cringes: he gripes and groans about going to "kid places," but he's always the one to announce "I can't believe you've never been to __, we're going right now!!" This allows him to touch grass leave the house and experience his own life to the fullest. He's able to channel his desire to help society into a healthier outlet. Also, seeing her studying habits and plans for the future might even inspire him to do the same. (might.) He becomes the stereotypical good big brother, though of course he denies it viciously...

I have recently been going insane over their friendship so I'm completely taken with this idea OUGH thank you for telling me ;-----;

[autisticaboutstufflol]

Accidental Adoptions Vinsmoke Headcanons

So Chapter 7 of Accidental Adoptions is out, and I promised Vinsmoke information! This AU for all who don't know, is Cora deciding that getting Law and the brand new baby that just got adopted into the DQ Pirates out of there is priority #1. Shenanigans occur, and now he's somehow ended up with not only Law and Dellinger, but all the Vinsmoke Siblings. Onto the headcanons!!

All Vinsmoke Siblings

They're all autistic

Are very co-dependant on each other

Distrustful of hospital environments

Reiju - 8 years old - She/Her

The second most durable out of the siblings, strong exoskeleton

Has her 'Poison Pink' abilities [Can produce poison, is immune to doses of poison that would otherwise kill regular people]

Has somewhat canon typical 'has to obey Judge's commands' modification built in [If she hears Judge's voice telling her to do something, she has to obey]

Heals the second quickest

Enjoys gardening

Helping Law out with removing the Amber Lead from his system

Ichiji - 6 years old - He/Him

Has implants in his eyes and hands to allow him to channel his red energy blasts easier

Can see further/see more detail + in fun visions [x-ray, night vision, can see shrimp colours ect.] because of these eye implants

Can't cry any more because of said implants

Least emotional due to experimentation, but is still far ahead of his canon version in terms of emotions

Likes navigation, and has essentially declared himself default captain/navigator on the ship

Niji - 6 years old - He/Him

Heals the quickest due to a combination of experimentation and a strong exoskeleton

Has super speed, which connects into the electricity powers [electricity goes fast]

Electricity powers [Can produce electric blasts from his hands, did not need implants like Ichiji because his exoskeleton was stronger]

Speaks really quickly because of his speed, sometimes forgets that not everyone processes the world like he does

Also has insane hearing

Has gotten very good at sewing because he's basically so quick he's a sewing machine. Also enjoys drawing

Sanji - 6 years old - He/Him (for now)

Most emotional out of his siblings

Has a weak exoskeleton- He's still far stronger than any normal child, but doesn't have the same invulnerability his siblings do

Does have some minor invisibility modifications [can only make parts of himself invisible if he strains himself or if he's stressed, will go full invisible if he's terrified ect.]

Everyone thinks he's got a secret extra genetic modification to talk to animals because he just makes friends with small animals constantly [He has four pet rats, Eloise, Yumi, Polly and Theia]

Loves to cook and make friends with animals

Yonji - 6 years old - He/Him

The most durable of the siblings, his exoskeleton is very strong

Both arms are half mechanical, a commenter (shout out to KitsuneNee_chan) made a remark that it reminded them of Nebula from GOTG, and I totally agree with that.

His physical modifications worked the best out of all the siblings, has had super strength since he was a baby

Has very bad sensory issues, has caused millions of berri in property damage while overstimulated

Isn't too sure what he likes to do, but absolutely loves sweet food and listening to the radio

BONUS!! X Drake Headcanons for this fic

Drake - 16 years old - He/Him

Very jumpy/skittish

An okay cook, is teaching Sanji how to use salt and pepper in moderation while making things

Good at fishing

Thinks that every zoan fruit user also has a personification of their corresponding zoan animal in their head that talks to them and will take full control when they morph into their full animal forms. He is wrong. He is mentally ill [blasts him with the OSDD1b beam]

Is very protective of the kids of the rag-tag orphanage ship that Cora has somehow gathered

[bomberqueen17]

quick turnaround

The first chicken processing day is this coming tuesday. so we got back into town around 7pm last night, and I immediately put a load of laundry in.

This is mostly me wittering about chores and medical stuff, so, cut for boring, LOL.

it's cold and rainy here so I hung last night's laundry up on drying racks in the guest room, so mostly it is dry this morning-- delicates, so they didn't need to dry in the sun really-- and now this morning i've put in a second load and it's already on drying racks and some is on the line, it's not raining but it's cloudy so it'll dry slow, but like, trousers and t-shirts do better on the line than on racks. Yes I do own a dryer-- a gas dryer actually-- but it beats the fuck out of my clothes and I don't like to use it if I can in any way avoid it. (Mostly I use it to tumble towels and dress shirts for fifteen minutes, and then I hang them out once they're steaming and hot, and they dry without wrinkles that way. Yes I'm on the OCD spectrum, yes it mostly manifests about laundry. Hilariously, my farm BIL is also on the OCD spectrum, farther along it toward where it's actually a problem [mine is SO mild I don't claim it as a disorder at all, i just have things i Care About for Reasons], and has done tons of work on himself and tries to mask it, but once I understood that about him I understood that most of our lil workplace quarrels were our compulsions clashing, so I started making more concerted efforts to decide when to bow to his compulsions and when to advocate for mine, which in many cases are informed by superior knowledge as I've worked in food service more than him. I bow to him more on cleaning now because he does have prior janitorial experience. Unless I can prove he's wrong, LOL.)

I went off Ritalin mostly while on vacation-- I took it the morning I went fabric shopping because I thought it might help me actually make decisions, and that went well so maybe it worked. But that means I have extra pills, so I'm going to try to today take a morning and midday dose, while I have So Much To Do to prepare for the coming couple of weeks, and see if that plus the structure of this massive to-do list help me get anywhere. I just feel like if I can have this data before my next $300 3-minute psych consult I'll make more progress. Ritalin is better than Adderall (less brutal comedown, less getting "stuck")-- I *think*, but it's hard to tell. Vyvanse was also very hard to evaluate, is the problem, because that one I never did have any spare pills so I could never try an effective dose.

I do get it, i do get not giving me high doses when I'm so unsupervised, but-- for all of the medications, the first couple of days were weird and I had trouble hydrating and I was jittery and stuff, but it went away so quickly, I would have been fine with "take half dose two days, then ramp up to effective dose and see how it works" type directions, instead of "take what we know absolutely will be too little for you for two weeks and then come back and try to guess whether it helped", which has just meant I don't really have much data to on on here.

But. I've spent almost forty years needing this kind of medication and not able to access it at all, so I'm reminding myself that this is very rapid progress really.

So I figure I'll do a double dose today, a single tomorrow while I'm driving (maybe I will take that sole dose at midday, since driving is easy and boring but then I have work I need to get done all afternoon), and then I'll try either single or double dosing for the week of farm work until I can get my next appointment, depending how many pills I have. I want to be consistent but lol. It's not in my nature and it's not in my circumstances, so it can be a goal.

I also should write down what I realized about my sciatic nerve. I was joking that my knee caught a haunting in New Orleans somehow. Because it went from being a classic sciatic nerve pain situation-- starting in hip, through back of leg, ending at back of knee-- and wound up just being this horrible pinching pain right inside my knee, like not in the joint but somehow manifesting in a dimension extending from the back of my patella into Hell somehow-- and it was keeping me awake both when trying to nap during the day and also at night when trying to sleep. So I gave up on sleeping and sat on the couch to bitch about it in the complaints channel on the Discord where I'm mostly at home (it was a witcher server and over the last two or three years has mutated into just this ragtag group of us bitching about unrelated things and occasionally dumping fanworks on each other, sometimes about unrelated media)--

but here I'm gonna let you in on a secret, which is that complaining works sometimes. What? Yes. So in order to elicit maximal sympathy from my pocket friends by describing the problem really well (they're very good pocket friends, and many of them know things so describing stuff well sometimes means they have good advice, but even if not, I take satisfaction in communicating well, so I at least feel better about having done that), I really started paying attention to the pain, and I realized that what was happening was that it was sort of slowly throbbing on a cycle. I always knew where it was, but then it would get painful enough that I felt I had to move and change position, and it would stay at that level of pain for three or four seconds, and then taper off until I only just was aware of it, and then it would repeat-- and it was on a thirteen-to-fifteen-second cycle, and this is the crucial thing, it was unaffected by movement. I had been tossing and turning because what would happen was that it hurt badly enough that I felt I had to move it, and I would move and the pain would ease, and I would try to settle into a position, and then the pain would come back, and my half-asleep exhausted self thought that it was something I was doing. So it meant I was constantly moving, which meant I could not sleep. I had finally gotten out of bed and was alternating stretching and pacing, which seemed to be helping but then it was coming back, and the pacing sure as fuck wasn't helping me sleep, and I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong, until finally I stood still and timed it, and then moved and timed it, and realized it was the same.

Realizing that it was happening regardless of movement made me able to hold still while it hurt most acutely, and then sure enough it faded away. And once I knew that moving wouldn't help, I could ride out the urge to move. And once I wasn't constantly trying to find a comfortable position, I could rest. And once I was resting, I could fall asleep. Because this is the annoying thing-- the pain wasn't that bad, even. It's not the agony it has been in the past. I could move through it, easily. It was just too much to hold still through, until I realized that was what I needed to be doing.

So anyway-- traveling home it was mostly fine, it does not like standing in lines, and mostly i sat as much as possible, which isn't good for me long-term but i know over the next couple of weeks i will be doing a shitton of walking and standing so. we'll figure out tactics then.

so along with the ritalin i will be working out my ideal regimens of ibuprofen, aleve, and weed, LOL. Routine! I can make a routine. I can hinge my routine off other people's, which is what works well for me at the farm, and i can see if i can master the art of the amphetamines and maybe get some of my shit done.

Unfortunately all I want to do this week is sew, I watched all of the tourists and locals in NOLA and looked at what they were wearing and now know exactly what I want to make.

and i don't have time to do any of it. but. if i think about it and make concrete plans, i already own much of the fabric and most of the patterns i need. so i can do this. But I'll post separately about the Fashion Lewks I want to do, LOL.

I won't see my physical therapist again until like maybe early June. I counted it out and I've been doing physical therapy for about sixteen weeks at this point. My sister graduated from her physical therapy program and is out on her own now, having hugely improved. I can tell the bad hip is much improved but not healed-- sitting on the plane yesterday someone walked by and bumped my knee and it absolutely did make the cartilage flap go "pop" so that's not healed, but it hurt a lot less than that sort of thing used to. At the last appointment I had, the PT said I should just keep doing the exercises as my circumstances allow, and if they're too easy just increase reps etc., and we'd re-evaluate when I finally saw her again, because obviously I've had all these underlying cascading problems that can only be slowly solved by getting slowly stronger, so who knows.

I don't have concrete goals for that but I would really just. Like to be not-disabled, mostly. Every person has limits, every person is going to have to sit down sometimes, every person is going to have to think hard and make choices about what they do with their bodies-- it's just part of getting into your mid-forties, really-- so I can't just set my goal as being able to do whatever whenever. But I would like to be able to walk for longer distances, I would like to be able to wait in a line without paying for it for days, I would like to just generally be in better shape. So I guess I'll try to work toward that.

idk. and sometime in july my doctor wants me to re-test my fasting blood glucose because the only thing she cares about of my health is that i'm fat and she thinks putting me on metformin will make me not-fat. you'd think she'd have had some interest in diagnosing the pain that was making me unable to exercise but that was not on her radar i guess.

anyway. that's what i'm going to do to get me to june. it's all farm time for the rest of the month and i'm going to do physical therapy and take meth. we'll see how that goes.

[rinsuniverse]

hi dear! i saw your writing about being sick and not telling woozi, and i was wondering if you could do a shua version?😭i kinda have a cold rn and this was so comforting i loved it, it’s totally okay if it’s too much and you don’t wanna write it!<3 have a nice day, take care!

sick with joshua! ✧˖°.

i'm 110% convinced he would take care of you the absolute best whenever you're sick!!

he'll have gradual red flags the way that jihoon does as you go about your day without telling him

the first red flag was in the morning when he realized you're energy seems off

he wakes up before you and plays with your hair until you wake up

he notices you're breaking out in a cold sweat and his sighs, wiping your forehead with his sleeve

when your eyes flutter open, he smiles at you

"good morning, beautiful," he grins

"morning..," you groan, breaking out into a cough after your voice comes out raspy

"are you alright? should i get you some cold medicine?"

"no, i'm good. my allergies have just been acting up," you say

he sees this tiredness in your eyes, and it makes him feel sorry for you

he continues to brush through your hair and whispers to you since your voice doesn't get very loud

"hey, let's call in and say we'll come in late today. you seem tired, honey," he says quietly

"no, i'm okay, i'll get up now," and the moment is over

as you both get ready, he stops to get you some allergy medicine for the day, setting a reminder in his phone for when he should remind you to take the second dose

he puts a small thing of tissues in your handbag and tea packets and then showers you with kisses before leaving, telling you that he hopes his kisses give you energy

and that's when he is able to brush away most of his worry for you

as you go about your day with your energy drained and being able to kind of breathe because of the meds he gives, you text shua every so often to thank him and continue to convince him that you're okay

you: hey, shua, i hope you're doing well

you: thanks for the meds! i can breathe well now

shua: of course, anything for you 🤍

shua: i'm doing great

shua: still tired?

you: just a little

shua: i packed you some tea in your handbag

you: what? when?

shua: boil some water in your breakroom and see if there's some honey to put in it if you don't like the taste

shua: i packed the one that's best to clear your sinuses

you: shua wth 😭

you: i love you

shua: i love you more

and he doesn't worry about you until he knows you're done with work and he wants to call

and that's when the next red flag comes up

"hey, y/n/n, i missed you-"

and then you start coughing and it's the most outrageous, disgusting, crackily sounding cough anyone has ever heard

you swear you can hear the side eye he's giving you as he says, "did you not drink the tea i packed?"

"i did! i just- still have some phlegm in my throat from the allergies."

he does NOT completely believe you

at all

but it's fine, he brushes it off because obviously you don't want to make a big deal out of it

"get home safely, okay, beautiful?"

"okay, i'll see you at home in a bit."

he calls out of work early

he knows you have that attitude where you don't want him to worry about you

so he already prepared for this

he stopped by the store to get you your favorite cake and a balloon

his plan was to disguise this work absensce as a surprise for you 😭

he also bought extra meds, tissues, and teas for you at the store as well

when he got home and he was holding a cake and balloons in his hands, you kind of stare at him from the couch under lots of tissues

you can't even comprehend that he's home and that you need to somehow make the tissues disappear because he's home early!

but that's when he pretty much knew 110% that you were sick

"shua, what the? why are you home so early? and why do you have all that?" you say, gathering the tissues and throwing them away quickly

"surprise! i saw this cake was on sale at the store during my lunch break, and i know it's your favorite. so i decided to call off early and surprise you at home."

"honey, you really didn't have to! work is important."

"and taking care of my lover is important, too. don't even pretend you're not sick. you should tell me these things."

"it's allergies-"

he places his palm on your forehead and tsks at you

"you have a fever, love. let's have an early dinner and then eat some cake, okay? don't make me worry more."

"okay, fine..."

he makes you a nice, elaborate dinner that'll warm you up and offers you some of his share of the food in case you're extra hungry

when you shamefully say you don't feel very hungry, he tells you that it's okay and that he'll pack the leftovers for another day

he has the other seventeen members send you words of love and determination so that you'll feel better and get well soon!

and you feel like crying as he reads them out to you

after he shares a slice of cake with you, he offers to carry you to bed, and even though you say no, he finds a way to either carry you or support you on your way to the room

he chooses some of your clothes (his sweatshirt and your yoga pants) for you to change into and helps you wash your face and prepare for bed (with meds ofc!)

and you both lay in bed together

he sings to you as he rubs your back and always hands you a tissue even before you need to ask

"why didn't you let me take care of you for all of today, jagi?" he asks softly

you sigh as you say, "i really just didn't want you to worry or feel inconvenienced. i'm sorry..."

"don't be sorry. let me be here for you whenever you're not feeling well, please. i want you to depend on me sometimes. don't you want me to depend on you sometimes, too?"

"yeah, but that's different..."

"i don't think so. let me take care of you the way you take care of me, okay, gorgeous?"

"okay, shua. i love you so much."

"i love you so much."

"i think i'm getting a fever again."

"i'll go get a wet rag to put on your head, okay? thank you for telling me."

and he cares for you all night. he takes care of you and showers you with kisses.

he doesn't regret it at all, even when he gets sick, too.

you both nurse each other back to good health!

thank you so much for the request, and i hope you feel better soon, anon! i hope you enjoyed the charming and loving shua. feel free to request more things from me! ✧( ु•⌄• )◞◟( •⌄• ू )✧

(p.s. requests are still open! you can request literally anything for any member of svt since i don't have any guidelines set yet. i do specialize in woozi, though! have a great day! ς(>‿<.))

[caffeinatedopossum]

Ranting about my most recent psych visit

When I went to talk to my psychiatrist recently about my adhd and getting my meds dosage upped (I was on a very low dose), she tried to say all this bullshit about coping and writing stuff down and setting goals. Don't get me wrong, I do think other strategies and forms of support that aren't meds are necessary for adhd (for people who can't take meds, don't want to, or need extra help) but they are not a substitute for the medication I need.

"Oooh but you'll become dependent on it!" Guess what, fuck face? I already am! I can't *function* without meds. And I don't mean "be productive", I mean *function*. Technically I can't function even with them but they drastically improve my quality of life.

She told me I should take break days and only take the meds when I need to get something done. That if I was "just relaxing" I shouldn't take them- I don't think she understands. I literally cannot even sit still and focus to play video games or watch tv unmedicated. I'm a mess and I can't do anything that would make me happy, contributing to my depression.

Also she completely brushed it off when I said that I can't write things down, at least not physically, due to how my disability affects my hands. You have to sign a paper when going on adhd meds because they're a controlled substance and even that hurt me a lot and took me a long time to write. It always does.

She was just very dismissive and I'm so tired of doctors not taking me seriously. They always try to blame my adhd symptoms on my depression and at first, I was like "yeah, ok, seems fair" but after 4 unsuccessful antidepressants and 1 successful adhd med, I think I can say it's the adhd contributing to the depression more than the other way around.