#and idk how to detach myself just as easy

[milolunde]

We all know Timmy is Wanda’s mama’s boy but we need to keep in mind he’s still Cosmo’s kid too and that Cosmo would love him just as vehemently as Wanda

[stinkbeck]

nothing more relaxing than like acting out a play in my room alone

[ratgirrrl]

the silly thing about Language is that it will make you feel like a different person when you write something in not your native one

[stilljuststardust]

Hi! I’ve been working with the loa for just a few days now, I’m very new to it. But ur blog has helped me a lot to figure stuff out!!! Thank you for making ur posts so accessible and easy to follow!!!

I’ve been trying to shift for a few years now, went through all the shifttok nonsense. It’s. Been a frustrating journey. But I feel like I’m on the right track with loa. I was wondering, with using the loa, saying affirmations before bed, telling myself I am in my dr, what do I say if I wake up here? Currently I’ve just been telling myself “it’s fine I did shift because I exist in my dr always” but, idk, I’m not sure how to not feel like I failed while still affirming that I haven’t.

Another thing I feel a bit stuck on, is focusing entirely on the 4d while shifting. I’m plenty good at imagining vivid scenarios. Other senses I’m okay at for the most part. But how do I bridge the gap of “I’m imagining this happening right now” and “this is really happening in my reality” I feel like it’s a mix of still feeling the 3d which I’m trying to acknowledge will be the last thing to change. While also it being the fact that I’ve been imagining scenarios in my head for years. I’m finding it difficult to tell myself “this is real become aware of it” when I’m used to just daydreaming. If that makes sense?

Anyways, thank you for all u do on ur blog, you’re really helpful!!!

✧Hello love!

You don't need to acknowledge the 3D. You don't need to do anything with it. It is dependent on you to stay the way that it is. I can't stress this enough it just isn't a factor. It's not that you have to find a way to remove it you just have to know it's not part of the equation at all.

The way to close the gap is to realize that there is no gap. It'll be enough when you let it be enough. I know that's the hard part. It's hard to just let it be because part of you is worried that it's not enough and is in search of something "better".

Visualize from the perspective of your DRself. Not just in the literal sense of the visual POV but as in you interact with the visualization as if you are your DRself. This is where I am, this is what I think about where I am, etc. You're trying to put yourself there mentally by thinking as if you are already there.

For me the difference between a daydream and a visualization is a day dream is detached in a way, like a scene I'm replaying, a visualization is putting myself there. Like one of those moments where the world is still and you just look at it. Then again I'm more of a robotic affirmation person myself so take what resonates with you.

If that is hard then affirm over and over "this is real, I'm in my DR" or something else like that. Repetition is a powerful tool for changing how you think.

Don't twist yourself into knots over belief. It may feel weird at first but that doesn't matter what matters is that you stick with the weird instead of entering your old mental state.

It's ok if you had an emotional reaction, it's ok if your heart dropped a little, just stick with the new story mentally. Your emotions won't stop you. It's ok to feel them. Your subconscious will take you at your word so only tell it what you want.

All that being said I think I know the perfect method for you if you're good at day dreams! The distraction method is a method where you get yourself into the alpha state, and the daydream. That's all. Click the link if you want to know more.

✧More links

My post on "ignoring" the 3D

You only have one limiting belief.

Senses shift last. I've said this in like 3 different posts so I don't know if this is the one you're coming from, so I thought I'd link it anyway.

[pellowinksx]

heyyy im sorry if this is super overdone, but as someone with mental health issues its hard to stay on game when I'm hormonally crazy etc. oftentimes I feel like I don't really even think about what my desire implies, I don't feel it really, yk? when I think of it actually, I get overwhelmed. in a good way, mostly, but i can't always feel it real. I also think i am mostly wishing and not truly assuming, but it does get hard for me. I have manifested a lot before actually, I just have trouble truly believing I'm limitless. when i think of it deeply, I feel anxious and a bit sick. I know this is mostly mental stuff that I'm working on increasing medication for, but its also hard to remember and feel that it's "real" or not be hesitant and feel "resisting." I guess I just feel stuck and restless about it! I learned about void state recently and I can enter that fine, I think i have been since I was a kid, I just didn't use it for anything. I have this weird block where I think i can manifest anything except an SP. I'm trying one out of thin air since nobody goes to my school, because of course. which seems so easy! but for some godawful reason I'm like weird about it when I like someone. even if it's not real? and I want to grow my hair, or idk anything, i know deep down I can do it, but I don't think it fully, I just feel detached from it but then also weirdly controlling. I'm like this when im learning to drive as well, though, I'm used to having control and I grip the wheel lmao. I guess this is just one big "woe is me" type shit so I'm sorryyryryryr 😭😭😭!?!?!? but if u have literally any advice, any "get your shit together"s, any direction at all, i think i just need someone to personally tell me what to do, even if the answers are all right under my nose and have been for, like, years. like 3 years. thank u so much, your blog is such a comfort for me. I think i really did overcomplicate and just get myself worked up, but I always always ALWAYS hinge on stuff being thing i do, you know!?!?! I don't know how to not give a fck😭!!! weird for someone like me. ig this is one big "how to be nonchalant 😈" lmao. appreciate everything u do ♡

- i might come again, may i be 🧷?

hiii 🧷 okay FIRST OF ALL you have some limiting beliefs that need to be crushed. Okay, number one you do not need to feel it real. What Nevile meant with that was to feel your 5 senses in meditation not to always 24/7 feel like you have your desire. We're human! (unless manifesting otherwise) We're going to feel different things all the time.

2 if you get overwhelmed you can use that to your advantage. You can think of yourself experiencing your desires with all of the feelings that come with it. But don't try to force the feelings yk? (am I making sense lol)

3 You don't need to "detach" or anything you can just affirm for it while crying, being happy, being scared, etc.

4 You can manifest your mental health issues away if they're holding you back!

And lastly, how to assume? By telling yourself you have It until you actually see it. I love that you acknowledged the difference between desiring and assuming so this will be easy for you. Just tell yourself you have it whenever you think about it and if you get overwhelmed (bad or good) try taking deep breaths and just calmly being like "its mine its always been mine"

Happy manifesting! thanks for the question 🧷 <3

[superdryalienthing]

I love Regat stuff, no question, in fanfic plus in canon, love it, one of the best dynamics in local films, here's some songs that I think fits them when adult Reza tries to reconcile their relationships, cause we all that journey won't be easy, so the songs are pretty melancholic to borderline sad/emo, I can imagine myself the scenes with these songs, maybe I'll try to write it myself, who knows but I vibe with these imagining those scenarios cause I'm one of those folks that easily dive myself into funny emo shit like these things.

Reza searching for Megat, obviously looking everywhere, almost loosing hope

Sometime then they find each other, somehow, idk how, but somehow, and having some neutral conversation here and there, and when they're remembering stuff back then (like all the memories) it sounds like this

Aloof and numb post Kudrat Megat responding to pleading Reza in a somewhat sad and detached manner is one of my favourite headcanon, like his will-fire has died (not necessarily just in fanfic either) he still lives and continue living but still hurting a lot and have some regrets, also has some time to reflect but he moves on, just not damaging himself physically. Some of the lines don't fully fit my idea but the vibes and most of the lyrics still does, so fuck it.

+

Reza tried a lot and he discovered it is still not enough cause Megat's heart isn't as soft and easily forgiving like he was back then.

Reza final attempts that works. Probably way too emo and defeating for characters like him but you know what (he's gonna lose Megat at this point completely) some of the lyrics fit in my head so it's as good as its gonna get.

Some of their reconciliation and oath songs ideas, cause despite the difficulties, I like them having happy end together :

This song is about two dudes too so it's fitting, too fitting for Regat, it's scary cool bro.

End note, I know Megat likes rock songs but I don't have any rock songs that I like that fits this shit, so do tell if you like my emo ass playlist.

[0scill4te]

.

The line between delusion and paranoia seems to be a very blurry one. i guess its a delusion when you believe it is ACTUALLY for certain 100% that it is actually happening and nothing else can prove otherwise.

i dont know though. can someone just genuinely be aware they are delusional? Simutaneously be scared its real while deep down you know your brain is just kind of crazy and prone to these things for whatever reason? Things like believing you are being keylogged by friends or coworkers? Or that someone deceased (that you knew) is watching you and reading your mind? Or thinking that whenever you chat with someone online, if you share art with them, they will use google to reverse search it and find you on other social media, so you end up deleting the art in fear? Shit like that. I know thats all crazy but for whatever reason I go through phases sometimes where I genuinely believe in these intricate, outlandish, unrealistic things and drug use always worsens it, Im not gonna lie. its why i try so hard to not let myself slip into daily use because its admittedly very easy too- drugs soften life a lot. But it also makes me really lose touch with reality more easily and its not good

I genuinely dont know. i still don't understand what was going on with me in august bc thats when i really reached a bad peak. Its what prompted me to delete my old blog even, i was having unfounded surveillance based fears (ex: thinking one specific coworker was stalking me online?) and felt like people were conspiring against me

i feel more normal these days. but i feel like it could happen again, and it does scare me. Life in general feels weird and I feel like my blog probably reflects that even. I try to contain all the weirdness to myself and not broadcast it so much. I private post most things.i want my blog to be a place where i can be genuine. But obviously oversharing in a public setting comes with its downfalls. I genuinely do feel like a "kooky" person.. like. Kind of ill, not all there sometimes.

I think I really just need to talk to my T. I get mini "hallucinations" too and everything in general just isnt feeling right, even vision wise. Things will feel okay for a few weeks then I slip into these headspaces and its confusing because its like.. maybe the "hallucinations" are merely a bottom-up processing issue, you know? like my brain falsely interpretting stimuli in my environment incorrectly. Iike I will see a cat for a split second but no, its just a towel on the ground. A disconnect between your eyes and your brain correctly interpretting the stimuli. Is that even a thing? I feel like it has to be. Occipital lobe stuff maybe, Idk.

But some things are just unexplainable. Like in the winter, I saw a mouse at my job crawl up the wall and slip inside this hole, and to this day still dont know if it was real or not. Because im so detached, it felt really fast and weird and dream-like, can mice even climb up walls that fast? When i was drunk recently with my roommate i saw an apparition in the kitchen in the corner of my eye, but only for a split second. And in July, i was high and saw an officer outside my fwbs car window , in great detail- a stern old man with a dark blue cap and I JUMPED. i was fucking terrified, it felt so real. I thought we were gonna get in trouble for trespassing. but a split second later, the cop was gone- aka not real.. no cop was there.

my therapist told me use less weed a few months ago and i think shes right- ive actively been trying to use it less and not daily anymore. I think I should see an optician to rule out if the "hallucinations" are maybe just a weird vision or brain thing. It could be a nutrient thing too- my vision in general feels.. weird. I feel like I sound like a hypochondriac with all of this but things just genuinely feel off and weird sometimes. Idk how to fix it and i always wonder if its normal or not but im terrified to get help for this stuff because its really weird and im scared doctors dont actually want to help and find the actual issue, they'll just label the vision stuff as a mental illness thing and throw antipsychotic meds at me.

[miaurri]

AND IF I SAY CASUAL BY CHAPPELL ROAN WOULD BE CHESHIRES ANTHEM FOR THE POPROCKS SITUATIONSHIP AU THIN—

what do you think their situationship would be like? would it be that messy? 😭

like a detached “we’re just casual idrc” thing or something more possessive like “we’re not official or exclusive but also you’re mine.”, OR MAYBE A MUCH MORE SOUL CRUSHING SECRET THIRD OPTION?

WALK WITH ME HERE ITS PROBABLY THE SECRET THRID OPTION OF “I want you to myself and I don’t wanna see you explore other options but I also wanna have my old situationship back too so idk who to screw first” KJZAKKSOAAI

Ermmm my idea is that 🤓☝️ Mizu was a lot worse at communication back then and had that avoidant attachment style which didn’t mix well with Kayo’s anxious attachment so they broke it off but Kayo would lowkey try “rekindling” that spark the more Cheshire got all 3 of them to hang out more

Kayo like Cheshire, but in a way where you’d like a dog. Cute, fluffy, easy to please and just over all very happy but since she’s so use to the bitter silence between Mizu and her she lowkey falls back into old habits

Not that Kayo doesn’t at least obviously have feelings for Cheshire she obviously do 😭😭😭😭 Cheshire made her felt so loved and seen compared to how her and Mizu were years ago but she literally has no clue what to do with it she just goes “Omg she actually shows that she wants me and values me….wtf is this 🧍‍♀️” KNXOSJSKSMS

TLDR: Kayo needs to see a therapist and make amends with Mizu before finally being able to heal and start officially dating Cheshire

I fear this is very much Kayo trying to get all mushy again with Mizu while she’s taking a smoke break or whatever (probably takes place when Cheshire is out somewhere and Kayo drops by to their dorm ismosjownsonso)

[blairwitchh]

Ok this is gonna be a long ass rant and maybe im just a jerk but idk what else to do it feels like I lost my sister and I just hope it won't be like this forever

My older sister (31) just had her first baby with her husband (32). The baby was 4 weeks early so the birth was not easy and I feel horrible that she can't take him home from the NICU yet.

Since the baby was born I feel like she died. Her and her husband are always together. Understandable they just had a whole baby! But its kinda scaring me. They've been home from the hospital for 4 days and all they do is go to the hospital and sleep. They talk about how horrible it was because they were at the hospital all day and hadn't eaten or drank anything in 8 hours because they were just waiting around for the baby to be moved. It's inconceivable for one of them to leave the other to go to the cafeteria or go out and grab food while the other stays there. She was upset because they moved him to a non private room in the NICU cause he was showing so much improvement. They stopped by our thanksgiving get together today for about 5 mins just to grab food, did not give a fuck about saying hi or anything. Which I guess fair like theyre on baby mode. Just kinda sucked. They were complaining that she can't pump or get skin to skin time in the shared room. I asked if that was a rule and she said no, I just don't want to.

The husband has terrible ADHD, often used as an excuse for his lack of planning and competence. How he let his wife who just gave birth go 8 hours without a solid meal or drinking anything is wild. He was looking for his lost vows 15 minutes before thier wedding ceremony if that explains anything.

As she was in labor for 3 days we barely got any updates via text from him because he was just "too busy". I'm talking simple not detailed health updates. This whole process has felt so detached and I've been kept so out of the loop which sucks cause I love and care about my sister and want to know she's ok.

Also my mom went to visit. And our mom can he a bit much and annoying. My sisters feet were so swollen she was trying to grab a pillow to get them above chest level and I guess she grabbed one behind my sister that she was using and my sisters husband got annoyed. Stood up and physically grabbed the pillow from my mom while lowkey treating to kick her out. And my sister did nothing. So I texted her about it and she called and I was really happy I would be able to talk about it. Her husband was also on the phone 🙃.

The baby is healthy and almost out of the NICU. Im so excited my sister has a kid and i hope I can be of help or whatever she needs on her motherhood journey. But it just feels like she couldn't give a fuck unless it's coming from her husband which is understandable ofc but it's just totally not her style and kinda came out of left field.

He has a child from a previous relationship who my sister has known since she was 2 and is her bonus mom. She hasn't stayed at their house in weeks they just let her stay at her mom's who is very chaotic and unpredictable and honestly unsafe as a parent they just had to have exterminators get rid of roaches over there this week. But my sister and her husband really don't care. Even though they're living at home and could have her stay at our mom's when they go visit the baby in the hospital. It just seems like very immature codependent behavior.

Having a baby is a huge visceral and life changing experience. I was always super close with my sister growing up. We were best friends. Ever since she met this guy, dated him, married him, it's felt like she only has capacity for one friend and that's him. And doublely so now that the baby is here. I just love her and wish I could help her with some of this too. But maybe I'm just a sensitive baby myself

[amphiptere-art]

I’m going into my first final soon wish me luck

That being said I’m curious, and you don’t have to answer this part of the question if you don’t want to no pressure, but have you seen the episode with the confrontation Solar had with his moon? If so how do you feel?

Oh goodness good luck. I hope you get enough of it correct.

Also yes. I have watched episode. Work makes it easy to forget things. I don't know how I react to it. On one side. It was okay. Solar fire made himself weapon so he could defend himself. Moon of core comes by after our moon chills out for a sec and then goes to bed. Solar flare seemingly does not want to kill him. Trying everything he can before Moon attacks him. It's intriguing to learn that Sun is dead dead in their universe. Plus solar's reaction to his death was somber but not overly reactive. A necessary evil.

I guess it just wasn't sad or emotional to me. Solar's Moon has clearly gone mad with grief. Solar doesn't necessarily want to kill him because of his mad grief. Has to anyways. Technically has to put down the dog twice. I guess I just don't feel emotional about it because solar themselves is not emotional about it. The most he does is almost fall to his knees in silence. Then it's off about needing repairs and improving his canon. Sure it might just be a coping technique. I just kind of wanted more. Basically I wanted a sorry? A more fulfilling one. Idk. I've detached myself in the Tsams a lot.

[justajsworkshop]

honest share with you all (i dunno. low-key vent?).

look, i know i'm not talking about all this from the place of "my ideal," but idk. i want to write this for me and for you because it feels nice to get it off my chest, and also i just want you to know that finding certain things more challenging than others doesn't mean you suck at manifesting.

there is zero point to all of this. it's just a long ass stream of consciousness. you do not have to read it or read it all the way to the end. like, spare yourself. lmaooooo.

the two areas i've found the most challenging in my journey are my cat's health and money. i am a very powerful manifestor. sometimes, manifesting felt easier before discovering the law, ngl. because i wasn't trying to intellectualize it; it was just happening.

but since discovering the law, my health has been freakishly easy to improve since i've been able to curb how i talk to myself about my body. interactions with desired people also come pretty naturally to me, too. tho, i don't really want that much from other people. so, i think that's part of it. i rarely dwell in desire with my personal relationships.

before the law, i manifested a new standing desk just by obsessing over what kind i wanted... browsing amazon for waaaay too long every day until one day, i walked outside and saw one on the sidewalk that fit all my desires. (ppl leave furniture for others to take around here all the time.)

^ and this is why i say you don't need to feel it real or anything. if you keep putting something within your awareness, it will materialize. i didn't even consider a certain desk "mine." i just keep obsessing over what kind to get.

other times, i'd just think "huh, this would be nice." and it would come into fruition without any further effort on my part. like i got a new shower head literally delivered and installed without needing to pay for anything or ask anyone just because i wanted a detachable one. a short bit later, the gas company knocked on my door, and i had a new shower head. plus, the water pressure/heat dramatically improved. it was all something i'd thought would be nice but put no conscious effort into "making happen."

i can and have manifested massive windfalls of money, amazing job opportunities, and great financial outcomes; i've done it before many times. but tbh, consistency with this? being able to trust in it? it hasn't always been easy for me, and this is one gap the law has helped me fill. i used to give a lot of power to the method or my feeling state or whether to think about it or not think about it, etc.

recently, i've been feeling immense relief being able to experience my finances as i desire them to be in imagination. it's been nice. i am SO abundant! so, when appearances show me something different, i just go back to my imaginal experience and be who i want to be. or maybe i'll just remind myself that it's all ok, that i'm ok, that it'll all be ok. or i'll ask myself "what if the money has always been there?" and i chuckle and smile because i know it has been.

i gently remind my anxiety we're no longer in egypt: we've been freed. my linear mind wants to sound off that the house in on fire rn, ngl. but i find so much peace in remembering that i'm not what i experience with my physical body. reality isn't what these physical eyes see or what these physical ear hear. i'm the awareness through which all experiences i can ever desire to experience pass through, so i feed my awareness with wonderful experiences.

i worry about my cat a lot because, yknow, he's my lil guy. he's my whole world. and i've been able to manifest good health for him in certain areas; it's just this one that's been more challenging for me.

idk, it's like this chew toy my anxiety will not let go of, and i'm like, bruh, why are you holding onto this? we don't enjoy it!! (using "we" language here because i tend to take an internal family systems approach to how i experience myself, observing different parts of me while knowing it's all me.)

but anyway—i know i'm entirely the source of my suffering here, jfc. it almost... makes me laugh rn as i write it tho?? the sheer absurdity of the mind to insist, insist, insist on this one experience that it KNOWS it doesn't like. like, my dude, there's an infinite feast available. why do you keep eating this terrible food??? pls, i beg of you. it's so silly? i finally just booked a vet appointment for him, the one i probably should have done months ago, and now it's a game of being like "alright, money. do your thing. jump in my bank account."

it's so fucking dumb because i'm literally masterful at manifesting money, and yet i pretend i can't for some stupid psyche/ego reason. doesn't matter either way because i still imagine myself as i'd like to be even if the physical mind is being a right wanker. lmfao. but when i immerse myself in imagination, i don't see how i couldn't be my desired self because there i am!

thank god thoughts alone don't manifest because i've thought some HORRIBLE SHIT in the past few days, but guess who's still here, kicking around, and doing just fine? me (and my cat).

i no longer desire to shift. i experience my DR all the time imaginally. you can't tell me i haven't shifted because i've done it dozens of times now, and i love it. i started affirming i'm not tapping into the void state/point consciousness during meditation, and it's allowed me to enjoy evening meditation again. i can just be instead of trying for anything. thank goodness.

so, i dunno. i'm sorry you read this, but i did warn you it was pointless lololol. this is just a random update on stuff i've been up to but in a less polished version than you usually get.

i hope you're doing well. i imagine you well. may life surprise you with many wonderful gifts today. <3

[heartfucksmouth]

the stress of not feeling: welcome/able to be myself/able to exist outside my bedroom/safe/like my child is cared for properly by my in-laws is really. really. getting to me.

pretty sure she gave my kid too much water today and thinks he only eats baby food 3x a day like an adult or something. idk. we were gone at the grocery store for under 2 hours and I had napped for 2 hours before that. he was STARVING when we took him back. drank a 4oz bottle and ate 4oz of baby food. and suddenly he wasn't lethargic and fussy and had the energy to play again for another hour, then went down for a nap easy. its becoming really disturbing for me that this woman is so detached that she can't even parse our his needs. mil got a lot of help raising her kids from her parents, she got to go out and party still. she doesn't have a nurturing bone in her fuckin body and she puts on a show for FB and if guests are over, including my mom, but my mom knows better. we don't rely on mil help at all anymore, but I don't think we're gonna ask for it even for a Grocery store run. I'm making some calls this week to see if we can get closer to assistance/housing vouchers/something. I don't want to feel like I've sentenced my son to be subjected to the same trauma me and myles were. I think it would break us completely. we wanted to be able to provide a different life but it's feeling suffocating and overwhelmingly toxic here and impacting my health so, so hard. I can't even write about it properly bc I'm so drained at the end of the day.

she still never put the car seat in her car. ade's nursery is still not set up completely and decorated. like not even the baby monitor or the expensive mobile and beset and wall decals I was gifted. nothing is baby-proofed and probably won't be unless we do it bc, well,i dont think they baby proofed anything when myles was little. she keeps putting things in ade's crib and pack'n'play as if it's a catch-all. she just sucks. I cannot explain how much she sucks the life out of me. and I swear Aidan only naps for as long as he does with her bc he shuts down, knowing he won't be comforted if he cries. I cannot handle that. I can't and don't and will not trust her to have his best interests in mind.

this is gutting me. I feel like a wild animal caught in a trap about to gnaw off my own leg. I just want my kid, my partner, my DOG, to feel safe and comfortable. we are not. but we're stuck. it's maddening.

[imanes]

hi imane! i hope ur doing well <3 i just wanted to ask: what do you do during times of uncertainty? im a uni student abt to go on placement and I've been applying for part-time jobs that's centred around my field but to no avail sadly :/ i wanted to save up at least so i wouldn't stress during placement and everything's so overwhelming.. there are other external factors that's making me feel this way too like a friendship break-up i had few months ago and its affected me quite badly but im starting to pick myself up again. anyways sorry for the rant and i hope ur day is lovely x

hey! just sat down after hours of procrastination to work on my dissertation and i wish i were done already akjdkfgj but it could be worse!! ok it's gonna be long and probs unhelpful but i know that you wanted to vent more than you thought i was holding some solution so I'll just ramble and hope something resonates with you lmao <3

for me uncertainty makes me feel like my life is in shambles, it's hard to cope with things going south and not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel but during my yearly flop era in march/april i had a talk with a friend who's much older, wiser, and more experimented, and basically it helped me put things into perspective and learn how to let go. there are only so many things that you can control so i split my different issues into different categories for a more systemic approach to my problems lol: things that i can actually somewhat control (my emotions, my reactions, my efforts, what i can do moving forward to alleviate some of my stress), things that are out of my control (how people misconstrue me, external stressors like shitty coworkers, refusals from jobs i was applying for) and things (and people) that i don't need in my life. learning to let go of things for me internationally infamous control freak was not easy but it was liberating, idk if you're religious so if you aren't the next part isn't going to be helpful lol but i don't think i should be chasing things because i am exactly where i am meant to be, and if i start clutching at the things that aren't meant to be in my life, it's just my ego getting in the way, and i prayed that Allah just lets me find the place that i would fit better in and that He'd take me away from it if i wasn't going to be doing or feeling good there. i guess the non-religious version would just be to trust the process and understand that things in life wax and wane, whether it be job opportunities or relationships. obviously there's like a plethora of other factors like what do i do if i can't pay the bills and stuff? that was how i was thinking just a couple of months ago when my dissertation was not writing itself and nobody was hiring me! but a few weeks have passed and looking back on it i was starting to chase things again and it made me feel like i was stuck in a rut when in fact it's normal for things to take some time to settle down and for opportunities to arrive.

so basically whether you stress about it or not, literally nothing is going to change except the way you frame it in your head. for me i just continued applying and gave interviews my all while also being detached enough to simply trust myself to find the space that i was meant to occupy eventually, and after many many many rejections i finally found something a week ago, but it took a couple of months of steady job application to get there. looking from the other side of the mirror it's easy to say things like "don't get discouraged!" but it is true that if you keep throwing shit at a wall something's going to eventually stick, hence the power of consistency and of never giving up.

i'm glad you're slowly building yourself back up after your friendship break-up, i know how much it can drag you down but again some people are meant to be with you for a season only and at the end of the day with the effect of time making things more bearable and by working on your self-esteem and knowing that you can do things that you set your mind to, whether it is finding a part-time job or picking yourself back up, in a few weeks you're gonna look back on where you were mentally at when you sent me this message and where you'll be then and you'll thing "well i guess things DO pass huh who would've thought!!" lol life is a cycle of stability and unsteadiness, doesn't matter how much you prepare something's always going to go sideways but another truth is that things fall back into place again and you have to have faith in that, in yourself, and maybe in something else like i am w/ my relation to religion if u need extra help. speaking of help if you have a support system, confide in them and let them carry some of that weight for you!! you'd do the same for them so don't feel like you're a burden for needing help when you are facing instability. wishing you the best of luck and i really hope you find a good part-time job before your placement babe

[not-poignant]

I admit I was trawling for some easy smut to read and got Underline the Black. Usually I back out when the story doesn't go how I expect and instead I've binged the whole thing in six hours and find myself painfully relating to Efni's gender and sexual trauma.

I don't know how to describe it but I'm AFAB and grew up Christian with all these expectations and secular ones and I was so scared I rejected everything and tried to be this person I thought I had to be. And I've done that over and over and I'm thirty now and I think I'm finally coming to terms with my place in gender and sex and all that.

It's still a long journey and idk I know a lot of trans people get squicked by ABO stuff and it's based off bunk wolf science but. Idk. This is the most I've ever felt seen I think. So thanks.

Hi hi,

I really love omegaverse, you might be surprised how many trans people are writing it on AO3 - trust me when I say it's a lot of us. :)

A lot of the reasons trans folk can find omegaverse squicky is actually a lot of the same reasons why trans folk can find it cathartic or interesting or crave reading it. Everyone's reasons for ending up in omegaverse are different, because it's really just a huge umbrella term for like, countless different genres, tropes, levels of worldbuilding, sex, and types of story.

I don't really mind that it's based off debunked science, hell, I've even written a logical explanation for that in my Perth Shifters series lol. There's a lot of science we have today that was initially based off of bad science, that scientists then went 'oh yeah, that's not great, but we might keep the terminology anyway, because everyone's using it.' So that works out just fine. It's not like all of our science in reality started off in the best places, some started off in pure medieval spaces and then just kind of...grew up over time.

I apologise for the lack of easy smut though in Underline the Black! I have a lot more of erotica / smut in my other works, like Spoils of the Spoiled or Game Theory, so far we're still a while away from anything more than the handjob that's coming up in a couple of chapters re: Efnisien and Gary, that's definitely a slowburn! :D

(You might like Underline the Red though, which has some alpha/beta smut instead!)

And yeah, gender stuff is so hard. I'm glad you're coming to a place that feels right or is starting to feel right re: gender. I know I started that journey for myself in my early 30s and now that I'm in my early 40s it's only really started to settle into place. This stuff can be rough, especially when you're raised in repressed and oppressive and harmful societies.

Being able to explore gender stuff in Underline the Black has been a lot of fun for me. I much prefer doing it this way, than doing it with the genders we already have irl, tbh, because it lets me detach a little, but it also means that the omegaverse genders can become metaphorical for a lot of different issues, and I enjoy the power of something that can work in a few different ways. :D

(Also just a note, in the future can you please write it as a/b/o or just say omegaverse, because otherwise you're just writing a horrible slur towards Aboriginal Australians and we're generally trying to avoid that. Appreciate it going forward thank you! :) ).

[sky-forest-inn]

🍕Pseudomemory dump. Pay no regards to this, I simply just wanted to put this down somewhere

And if anyone is bothered to read it, a TW that there is … plenty mentions of deaths or at least a mention of a lot of it idk. People died 🤷 also a TW for torment and neck snapping too i guess idk

I’m very freshly uncovering some of this. None of it is exact or hell even maybe accurate. My memories are Still very blurred aside from some vivid fragments, and some of it is probably self contradictory for all i know i dont.know. I formed without memories so gaining them now has been a bit of a weight on myself. I just need to relieve at least some of that weight if i can. Thanks

Extra note after just finishing writing this uh none of this is proofread and i typed this on this very tumblr post, no copypasting from any documents or whatever, also i kind of overyapped a lot so sorry if none of it makes sense or if i repeat a lot of stuff lol. Bye

————————

For background, I’m an Elliot fictive of Forsaken. I have fragments of my Work At A Pizza Place counterpart, but primarily, I come from Forsaken. If anyone wants to talk to me, I go by Ester primarily, but also Elliot or Stelle depending on how I feel. I use They/She/He and am genderfluid so my identity shifts once a while.

My memories of Forsaken are very… different. Rather than the same people winning and losing and reliving countless rounds, there were more like versions of ourselves. Like if you were to play a round with 5 elliots, or 3 shedletskies, etc. Except instead of them being in one round together, only one of us could exist at a time

In my Forsaken, death was permanent. If you lost, you were replaced by another version of you. Somehow this even went as far to the skins you can buy/earn ingame. I happen to be of Elliot’s milestone skins

Anyway, due to this, it seemed like I kept myself almost ? careless? I did care about my teammates, I cared a hell lot, but not enough to make themselves significant to me during intermissions. I used to though. I feel sorrow for the Elliot before me, but when I first awoken in Forsaken, I clung to anyone I could. Chance, Shedletsky, Guest, Builderman, everyone. … now that i think about it, i dont even know if there was an elliot before me

All of us were hardly good when we first played together. We were all hung by a thread on our first round. Maybe the killer was just easy on us, but either way, it was almost sickening to find what I found myself in. At least in intermissions, we had time to get to know each other

The Shedletsky I first met was of the Telamon skin. Chance was what looked like their canonself but with those cloaks with huge fluff at the shoulders. Builderman his canonself appearance. Guest also his

I think if memory serves me correctly, Telamon was here longer than the rest of us were. Chance and I were very new, but I somehow clung to both them and Tela. Telamon made sense, but I don’t know what possessed me to have my eyes on Chance

It didn’t matter though. He wouldn’t be the last Chance I meet. I witnessed countless Chances die, whether before my own very eyes, or for them to be absent at the end of the round. The first time was soul crushing, but I eventually learnt to detach and stopped perceiving my own teammates as people worth getting attached to

It’s no surprise it’d be Chance who’d have the most replacements. Their dumb luck was bound to fuck them up countless times. Oddly coincidental however was when one was of the Milestone skin of them. I don’t remember if they were really naturally good at handling their stats or if they were simply just dumb lucky

Either way though, I think a part of me grew attached to them the same I did with the first Chance I met. Cocky prick they were, but somehow it grew on me. Telamon would always check on me, they’d check on everyone, but they knew when to let me go when I shoved them off

I guess when you’re new, you don’t know someone’s boundaries. This Chance sure did know though, but round after round they’d keep pushing and prying and prodding at me and. I don’t even know how to comprehend how an egotistical prick can be so patient and comforting to someone who’s witnessed dozens of their past selves die

I didn’t get attached to them, I refused to. Even after they continued winning round after round. Even after they too, somehow reached their fourth milestone like I did. They’d jab at me, boasting at how good they were that they “met their superior form.” Cocky bitch. When I earned my fourth milestone, I felt nothing but just a little ounce of relief. To feel good enough to my teammates despite how easily I could let myself die

But I guess people handle endless torment and suffering differently to others. He was proud of himself and I suppose he deserved to be. No Chance have I ever met lasted as long as they did, but god I did not want to care less

I think i figured out why this chance feels so significant to me now. I am not proofreading this nor am i thinking thoroughly to what im writing, i type this on a whim, but the memories pass by as i write and ive realised something

Everyone ive ever met who died, they died to the rounds, to the killers, or their own bad luck. That was part of the game after all. This chance however, the luckiest bastard i have ever met, he died by a different circumstance

The first time any of us would face the spectre, witness and discover their physical existence, albeit a struggle to identify any defining features of them as they hid in the shadows. Admittedly, they didn’t really look intimidating appearance wise. But the things they did, the way they spoke, it’d be spine chilling

So much of it is a blur. Fragmented, shattered, whatever you want to call it. I only have bits and pieces of this interaction. One being them shapeshifting to take on my appearance. To give threatening remarks to Telamon. And worst of all, to end Chance’s life with their own hands

I dont know what the reason behind it was. Why they picked chance, what they did to deserve it, what lesson they were trying to teach us, i just remember them dragging him away from us. Stood him to face us, both hands upon their face. I remember Telamon yelling at them, but I don’t remember what they said.

With how the Spectre played their games, I was wholly convinced this was just an act, to toy with us and dangle our fears in front of us. I was wrong. It only took one snap of a neck for it to sit in who we were facing. What we were facing.

The moment alone is the most vivid memory I have of everything I can remember. His nervous grin, his strange ability to remain still and, to the naked eye, calm. Anyone could feel how terrified they must’ve felt in the moment, but that smile they gave like their life wasn’t on the line still engraves deep into my memory

I remember nothing else after that. I don’t remember anything else about that Chance alone either. A part of me doesn’t even care. But a different part of me does, and that part of me is what’s making me write all this to begin with

Two of my headmates also had personal interactions with their Spectres. One abused physically, one tormented psychologically, both feel and share the same fear and paranoia of their own, reasonably. But I don’t. I almost. Almost could not care less about what my Spectre did.

But i guess it’s evident i did care a little bit. I wouldnt have written this otherwise. I dont know why. Maybe it’s meeting a Chance who happens to share the appearance of that Chance. One who holds memories of having something personal with their own Milestone Elliot. Maybe it’s dumb coincidence, maybe the world is telling me something I don’t, and cannot, understand

But it’s been sitting with me for a day and a half. Maybe I wouldn’t have bothered sharing this, but I’ve noticed a pattern of my headmates hiding their history only to come down crashing because of it, so I guess I just don’t want to make that mistake myself

I guess this is like a? This is my story? Kind of thing? Nobody needs to hear it, nobody probably even wants to hear it, but it’s here, and I’m not hiding it. I’m not bottling it up and keeping it to myself. It decreases the risks of me spiralling. I don’t have time to do that anyway. Our period cramps are already killing me anyway

I don’t even know if I want anything else out of this. I yapped out my tragic backstory just because, I guess. Haha, if I was a lil insensitive, I could say this could be fanfic material. Maybe someone will be inspired by this. Write an AU for it. Make some paycheck content for it. Whatever. I have three chance fictives who are all paycheck fans, they’d all probably enjoy it

But oh well. I dont know if anyone bothered to read this, but if you did uh. thanks? i guess? for reading? I ask for no pity or “im sorry for you” comments. I don’t need it and it’ll probably make me feel bad for even posting this in the first place

This post is already long enough as it is so I’ll end it here now. Thanks for reading. This is Ester out -🍕

[nymph-posts]

so... yeah... I have a lot to write about

last tuesday (?) a contestant from a very famous brazilian reality show was eliminated and i did a reading a few hours before the elimination, asking who would go home, since there were 3 options: gracyanne (death card), eva (2 of swords) and dani (9 of wands). some websites and social media profiles pointed out that Eva would be eliminated, others that it would be Gracyanne. after my reading I was sure that Gracyanne was the one going home, but Eva was definitely close to being eliminated too, while Dani was safe (unfortunately lol).

this is my tweet talking about it some hours before the elimination:

here we see the percentage of votes each received and how 1 dani was really safe and how 2 eva was very close to being eliminated

Daniele Hypolito

Média: 5,02%

Voto Único: 7,79%

Voto Torcida: 2,24%

Eva

Média: 43,60%

Voto Único: 45,73%

Voto Torcida: 41,47%

Gracyanne Barbosa

Média: 51,38%

Voto Único: 46,48%

Voto Torcida: 56,29%

now talking about my personal life: i dreamt for the third time about the woman that i don't know yet (: and this was the second dream in which i felt jealous. in the first one i suspected she had a girlfriend and in the most recent dream she told me about a mature woman she had been dating for a few years. the point is that i know that this relationship between us is going to happen for spiritual reasons. we probably agreed to meet in this life. I have no idea if it's karmic or not, but I know that my life is going to change completely. and I really want to have a non-monogamous relationship and I think that my dreams are preparing me and showing me that I'm still a jealous person and that I need to deal with myself before she comes into my life.

(oh the repetition of the 3 figures...... idk if I really want to be a part of a trouple god)

I drew two cards about this dream, asking why I had this dream and what the main message was that it wanted to convey to me. for me the 3 of cups definitely has to do with the love triangle lol or even with this need to change my scarcity thinking when it comes to relationships, since I'm a jealous and insecure person despite wanting more freedom and to experience love in a non-selfish way. the chariot tells me that it's coming. I know I have months to prepare for her arrival. it's also about consciously choosing which path I really want to follow: jealousy or detached love. when I found out about us, I was happy and I really thought it was going to be like watching a rom com, that it was going to be sweet, easy and cute. as I drew more and more cards,, I came to the conclusion that it's definitely going to be a challenging relationship. She seems to be colder than me and I used to have a lot of trouble with that. She also seems more down to earth, whereas I'm idealistic and tend to fantasize more. you can see that in the cards I drew when I asked what the relationship between the two of us would be like lol

i'm the 10 of cups, of course. and i've ALWAYS hated seeing the 6 of pentacles in spreads about relationships because i feel that this is the card that shows up when you're in a relationship with someone who only gives the bare minimum,, who only has crumbs to offer. maybe I'll really feel this way because she's less affectionate than i am (and this is just a theory, of course). but maybe it also has to do with how generous she is and how generous she will be in our relationship. maybe it also has to do with the fact that I feel we're not on the same level, since I'm pretty sure she has more money than I do (it's a good thing my cards like to gossip as much as I do). but maybe the 10 of cups is also talking about our happy family. maybe it's talking about a feeling of having it all.

you know, I've done countless readings about us (always with a purpose, I'm not obsessed with this - I do readings after intuitions or dreams) and I also saw the judgment, temperance and star card together when I asked about our relationship. like, omg. I'm scared but I can't wait for it.