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Drifting

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(x)

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Funny how i wanna be heterosexual so badly but there is always contradictions to it and I ignore those contradictions (tmi below)

1. my first true love was a girl i met in highschool. Was that intense platonic love or romantic? I dont know. All i know is i would have done anything for her. It will soon be 7 years since we last spoke and that breaks me some days, but i am mostly moved on now. We werent meant to be though. I never felt the way i did for her for anyone else though. not even my boyfriend 2 years ago. maybe mentally ill straight girls have these intense feelings of devotion for women they care about a lot too, tho. I could just be a mentally ill straight woman who attaches deeply to other women. i seem to genuinely prefer the company of other women a lot and feel more intense emotions with them

2. Women are more pleasing to look at than men, usually. But maybe thats the artist in me; women are just... idk. I love how women look. women can be so beautiful and attractive. But i can be straight and feel that way lol

3. Or idk, sexuality is about sexual attraction too. I randomly get aroused by women every now and then (like accidentally catching a glance of a woman bending over to grab something. I feel guilty as fuck for feeling that way and wasnt purposefully being creepy, but it was an accident.) I chalk it up to me being hypersexual, not actually into women in a meaningful way.

4. i did hook up with a woman i wasnt attracted to once (on her suggestion.) And felt so... meh.. but im glad she enjoyed it at least. i have a horrible habit of just almost always saying yes to people when they want to do sexual things. Not her fault. I just dissociate through it and feel glad someone is enjoying my body or the way I make them feel, ig. Then again i remember i did this so many times with men and thafs why it took me so long to accept I like men. Maybe i should only have sex with people im actually attracted too. 🤔 in other words maybe if i was actually in the mood and was attracted to the woman i was with, maybe i wouldn't feel so confused.

Conclusion? Mentally ill heterosexual woman

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I dont take my second job seriously at all but their rules are so strict so I kinda have to take it seriously

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THC and dissociative disorders

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calling myself heterosexual (some days) but still so damn curious

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Love sleeping so much

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January was a tough year but we made it

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I feel like i have brainworms bc i keep wanting a partner

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Why do I take every little thing as rejection? Tbf im better about it now than I was 5 years ago

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I hope i feel sociable and happy tomorrow. Manifesting. I dont know. My second job I have to talk to people a lot and if I feel anything like I did today... bro. I was a cold bitter dissociative husk today.

Also im anxious because the store director sees potential in me and thats scary. I just wanted to be a meager shadow who gets 12 hours a week... he wants to talk to me tomorrow I think. He said "lets get you out of that store (my other job). get you some better pay and more hours" I dont know whats going in his mind or what hes gonna propose. Tbh I hope he forgets. He told me all of this yesterday. Hes scary.

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wanting to refollow old mutuals but scared

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