#and i've tried to change and fix it but again inevitably i go back to how i've always been and it only hurts people more

[my-plastic-life]

Behind the Scenes: Making Melody

Ah, Melody. The daughter of Ariel and Eric. Ariel, the only princess to have a child (Descendants doesn't count). Since the sequel to The Little Mermaid launched in 2000, I've wanted a Melody doll. To this day I can't believe the Disney Store hasn't made one.

Technically, one was released back in the day. I remember going to Toys R Us to get it, and upon seeing it, put it back on the shelf. Why? Because it looked nothing like my favorite princess's daughter.

A bit scary, right? Her eyes, for one, are brown and they should be blue or at least greenish-blue. And her face overall just gives me an uneasy vibe. I can't explain it, but she just doesn't look right. Even back then I couldn't fork over the money for her. Now, try to find her on eBay, and I swear she's ranged in price from $400-$800. Definitely out of my price range for a sub-par doll. Yes, I'd like to have the clothes, but no way am I forking over that kind of cash for clothes that I'm sure I can have someone make. And while I've come a long way with customizing and could easy change her eye color, it doesn't change the fact that she looks... off.

And thus began my journey of creating my own Melody doll. Again, Disney Store should really make one. A lot of us fans and collectors want one, and we know they have the ability to make smaller dolls because we've gotten Alice, Wendy, and Tinker Bell. Come on Disney Store...

But when a company fails to provide a doll you desire, you do the logical thing - you make your own!

The first step was determining the best candidate to transform into Melody. Obviously I wanted her to have one of the aforementioned Disney Store bodies designed for smaller characters. It would match the Ariel dolls I have, and I'd been eyeing an outfit made for that exact body (Melody's primary outfit, her bloomers).

So the body was simple. Next was the face. Obviously either of the three heads that came with the body would have sufficed. Skin tones were a good match to the Ariel dolls I have, so another easy step. The face, though... Melody is often portrayed as having a very large, toothy grin. I've seen people create Melody dolls using Ariel's face, and while that does make total sense, I felt her smile was a bit too "small" for this girl.

If I wanted to keep the original head with the body, Tinkerbell was out because of her pointed ears. That's one thing I can't fix LOL. Sculpting and drawing are definitely out of my area of expertise.

That left Alice and Wendy:

Great candidates, but their smiles definitely aren't right. Melody rarely had a closed mouth smile, if ever, and while I've seen some people customize these dolls into Melody and other characters and add painted teeth, the original issue still exists - the smile isn't big enough.

And yes, Tinkerbell, of course, has the open mouth smile - but the ears!!! Why?!

Another issue with using a Disney Store doll is the head itself. Disney Store doll heads are significantly harder than Mattel and Azone dolls, meaning it takes extra strength/work to reroot them. I could try dyeing the doll hair or using fabric markers on it, but A) that could possibly stain the doll, and B) I've tried fabric markers before and it makes the hair feel like straw.

I was convinced I'd inevitably have to use Wendy or Alice and have someone else reroot her for me, but then I thought of something else. Mattel has reacquired the rights to make Disney Princess dolls. That, of course, includes Ariel. I've made hybrid dolls before (my Inuyasha dolls combine two or three different dolls into one amazing creation), and I remember seeing the princess dolls when Mattel brought them back - particularly Ariel, who had a large toothy smile.

Plus, because she's Mattel, I know how the mechanics work with swapping heads and that the head is a lot softer and easier to work with in terms of rerooting. So I ordered her, but I wasn't yet sure if she'd work. Would her skin tone match either of the Disney Store bodies? What about the head size - would it be too big or small compared to the Disney Store Ariel? And of course, Mattel = pixelated faces... though I'd be repainting the lips anyway for sure because Melody's lips are a more natural pink shade rather than the bright red Ariel has.

Well, luck was on my side - the Ariel head not only matched the skin tone of the smaller bodies (which were also very close to the Disney Store Ariel), it was actually smaller than the original Wendy and Alice heads! I don't know what's up with that, but what a happy accident!

However, there was still another step. I've put Disney Store heads on Barbie bodies before, but not vice versa. And these are smaller bodies. How would it work? The verdict was a bobble head, but some rubber bands around the neck peg took care of that. I think it completely works!

The next step was the rerooting process. I don't know why it's so satisfying to pull all those little plugs out of a doll head, and then poke new hair right into it. :D Of course, before the poking, I had to use acetone to remove the factory paint on the scalp, then paint back over it with black and seal it. This time I was determined not to use too much hair, as in making it too long. When I rerooted my Azone Kagome, I didn't trim the hair until it was completely rooted, and not only did it make a huge mess, it was very wasteful because of how much I had to trim off to get it to the right length. Melody's hair isn't that long (it seems to hit just past her butt I think), so I felt fine cutting each piece I plugged in half. In the end, that proved to be a good decision because I only had to trim a very small amount to even it out and get the look I wanted. Yay!

Once that was done, I gave her a boil wash, allowed the hair to dry overnight, and then added the special glue inside from The Doll Planet Hair (I also got the hair from them). After that dried overnight, it was time to start on the face. I decided to start at the top and work my way down to lower my chances of messing up something that was finished. So I did the eyebrows first. Melody has significantly thicker eyebrows than Ariel, and of course they're black rather than red. Surprisingly enough, I was able to get them thicker and still even... this coming from the person who spent two hours on eyebrows on a different doll. >.<

Next was the eyes. At first I wasn't sure if I should leave them or not, but in the end I decided they needed to be changed. They were way too blue, and they're really supposed to match Ariel's and Eric's. She is their child, after all. Plus, thanks to Mattel, they were also pixelated. BOOOOO!

Many of the scenes in the movie show Melody as having green eyes, so I started there. But then I thought, I better make sure they match Ariel. So I got an Ariel doll out and used her as a guide. Let me tell you, matching that color was insanely difficult. Too green, too bright, too blue, too dark, etc... Then I kept going back and forth because, again, she seems to have green eyes. But then again, they should match Ariel's eyes. Remember, being a perfectionist can be super exhausting.

I finally had what I thought was a good color, so I used that to help shape the eyes. I kept the original white part of the eye and just painted over what was already there, trying to match the Disney Store style (large portion in the darker color, small ring in the lighter color, and then the pupil). But then, after holding it next to Ariel, I was still dissatisfied with the color (way too bright). I kept looking at Ariel, and then I even saw some other custom dolls with blue eyes and some shots of Melody do depict the eyes as being more blue than green (Ariel, too):

So, after literally a week of just trying to get the best color, I finally got it!!! Victory dance!

Last was the lips. Should be simple, right? I like the color of my Barbie self's lips. They're a natural shade of pink, and I have the combo of paints I used to pull that off saved, so I could just replicate that, right? WRONG! I didn't factor in the original factory paint, which serves as a base coat and affects what goes on top of it, plus this doll has a warmer skin tone than Mini Me, so the color turned out to be super bright and very unnatural-looking. So I did a ton of mixing and modifying the paint recipe until finally I was satisfied with the shade. I had to go over the teeth a couple of times too because A) pixels and B) I went over the white a bit with the lipstick.

Once her face was done, I could start styling her hair. Melody just has a simple ponytail with large bangs like her mom. The hardest part was definitely those bangs. They're not straight or flat bangs, but they have kind of a "poof" to them.

The part was a little off - it should have been more to the side and less to the center. However, I was following the original factory root line, so I didn't really pay attention to where it was. That was my fault lol. I took a few strands of hair and held them out of the way as I tied the rest into a ponytail. To give the bangs their ideal effect, I tied that hair back separately with a hair tie I'd bought that resembles Melody's green one. Then I started pulling them out little by little, hoping to achieve the desired look. This was the first result:

Not bad, but I thought I could make it a little better. I noticed some small bald spots around that area in the scalp (oops), so I added some more hair to those areas to make the bangs a little fuller. I re-tied the bang strands (didn't boil wash the second set of hair because I didn't want to risk messing up the paint and I wanted them to stand up somewhat anyway), manipulated the positioning a bit, and came up with this:

I think that's a little better and gives the desired effect. I may still try to manipulate it some more, but I did put some of my special doll hair spray on it to hold it in place. The ponytail bottom just needed a small curl, and while I tried my curling iron on it, I found it to be better to just curl it by hand and spray it.

The final part was the outfit. I got the outfit from malanedoll on Etsy (she makes gorgeous Disney outfits!) The outfit also came with Melody's symbolic seashell locket.

I know what you're thinking - where the heck is her tail? Well, I can't sew that well (I can make little pillows, relatively decent curtains, and maybe some garden flags, but outfits? Nope lol), and I haven't been able to find a tail that would work with this body in the right color. By next year I might have her tail, but for now, she'll stay in her signature bloomer outfit. That is what she's wearing most of the time, and she did ultimately decide to stay a human in the end. :D

And with that, Melody was complete! Probably not 100% perfect, like most of my creations, but satisfying enough for me! Of course, if Disney Store makes an official Melody doll, I'll buy her - and totally do a comparison LOL. And I do intend to eventually get her that iconic red tail!

Thanks for reading my journey on creating Ariel's daughter! To this day, she's still the only Disney princess to ever become a parent lol.

[bitchinbarzal]

Prompt Night

rules are the same as usual: when sending in a prompt please put the whole prompt and not just the number or your request will be deleted no questions asked! 🧁

you may request for au’s or anyone I write for, this list can be found here

prompts:

2. "Don't play with me."

3. "Please stay."

4. "I need you."

5. "I don't need you."

6. "Don't leave me."

7. "Forget me."

8. "I feel nothing."

9. "No, don't go."

10. "Don't ignore me."

11. "I've always been alone."

12. "Please stop."

13. "Tell me the truth."

14. "Don't do this to me."

15. "I need space."

16. "Move on."

17. "Please, listen to me."

18. "You can't leave me."

19. "I don't want this."

20. "It's not your choice."

21. "We're done."

22. "I can't lose you."

23. "Don't say that."

24. Why are you doing this?"

25. "You scare me."

26. "When did we stop trying?"

27. "Hold me, please?"

28. "Can we get through this?"

29. "Why did all have to end?"

30. "Are you going to be okay?"

31. "Will this change things between us?"

32. "Have you ever loved someone before?"

33. "When will it finally stop?"

34. "Can you even imagine the pain I felt?"

35. "Why did it have to be me?"

36. "How can you act like nothing happened?"

37. "When will I see you again?"

38. "Why don't you just leave me alone?"

39. "Can you look me in the eyes and tell me?"

40. "When did we lose ourselves?"

41. "Did you ever think about telling me the truth?"

42. "Was she worth all of this?"

43. "And now what?"

44. "How can we change what already happened?"

45. "Why can't we just stay here forever?"

46. "I see that you moved on."

47. "Do not touch me!"

48. "So, this is it, I guess?"

49. "I thought I could trust you."

50. "You were my family."

51. "This is not something that can be fixed by simply wishing it away."

52. "I had to see this for myself. To know it's true."

53. "Are you sure you want to go there?"

54. "I don't want to talk about it anymore."

55. "We tried, but it just didn't work out."

56. "So, this was all it was to you?"

57. "It was probably never meant to last."

58. "Don't say this right now, when you couldn't say it before."

59. "Maybe we have to accept the inevitable."

60. "There need to be two people willing to fix this."

61. "I never thought it could end up like this."

62. "Was any of this real?"

63. "I hope it was worth it."

64. "You deserved better, but so did I."

65. "There is nothing else to say, I guess."

66. "Maybe I am a little bit jealous. But who wouldn't be?"

67. "Does he not know that we're together?"

68. "Please, go with them if you like them so much better."

69. "You're naive if you think he just wants to be your friend."

70. "He shouldn't go after other people's girlfriends!"

71. "I'm not jealous, I'm being absolutely reasonable."

72. "Have you even told him about me?"

73. "Jealous? Me? Pff. Never."

74. "I never would have thought l'd ever be jealous about that."

75. "People are staring at us." "Well, let's make them jealous."

76. "Jealousy doesn't suit you. I like to see you smile more."

77. "Hey, look at me. I'm yours and no one can change that."

78. "Oh, so they are just a friend, right? That's what you're telling me?"

79. "I don't like them all looking at you."
80. "What would I be jealous about?"

81. "Maybe you should back off a little."

82. "I just want to have a good time, I don't need your jealousy all night."

83. 
"Why do you insist on flaunting him in my face?"

84. "This is your work place, leave the boyfriend at home next time."

85. "Why would I ever be jealous of someone like them?"

86. "He's so obvious. It's embarrassing."

87. "Do you want to make me jealous?"

88. "I can't understand what you would see in them."

89. "Are you jealous?" "No, I'm not!" "Oh, you really are jealous! Wait, why would you be jealous?"

90. "Can you please stop being so jealous for one second?"

91. "I trust you, I just don't trust them."

92. "Jealousy is not a word l'm familiar with.

93. "You just left." "Yes. That was an asshole move, I'm sorry."

94. "It's your weekend with the dog, so I hope he doesn't come back again fully covered in dirt, like last time."

95. It shouldn't be this awkward. Their break-up had been a mutual agreement and they thought they were both content with it. But it was awkward seeing each other again.

96. "Who is that?" "Unfortunately my ex."

97. "What have you done?" "I may have called my ex.
And texted them. And I think I even sent an e-mail."


98. "I will never give you alcohol again."

99. Was it a good idea to hook up with your ex? No.
Were they still going to do it? Absolutely.

100. Working with a partner can be great. Working with an ex partner can be a nightmare.

101. "You're still wearing the necklace I gave you."

102. "Do you think that there is still a small, really tiny chance for us?"

103. "I'm sorry for how it ended." "I'm sorry that it ended at all."

104. "Do you still have place for me in your life?"

105. "Three years was not enough to get over you."

106. "I couldn't stop loving you, even if I tried. And I did try for some time. But it didn't work."

107. "Seeing you again brought everything back."

108. "It was a mistake to just go away. We should've fought more for what we wanted." "We are doing it now."

109. "Do you have any idea how much I wished to take it back? To just go to your house and apologize?"

110. "I would have waited for you. I did wait for you. Even if it took some time, you are here now."

111. "I shouldn't have ever let you go away. I need you by my side."

112. "The fight we had was so stupid and breaking up was irrational."

113. "We work much better as a team."

114. "It was the right thing at the time. We weren't ready for it." "Do you think we are now?" "Yes, absolutely."

115. "People called me crazy for letting you get away.
And they were right."

116. "We were both so hurt that we didn't see how”

117. "You never supported me in the way I would expect a friend to support me!"

118. "I didn't think it would be such a big deal for you." "Of course, it's a big deal for me and I told you that over and over again!"

119. "You don't believe in me and I just can't live with that."

120. "I would want you to live your dreams, but I just don't think it's realistic." "A dream doesn't have to be realistic!"

121. "I would've never thought it would ever come to this, but I don't see us fixing this mess."

122. "I should've supported you. No matter what."

123. "Fighting with you was horrible. I don't ever want to live life without you."

124. "I'm glad to see you living your dream. I'm sorry I ever doubted you."

125. "Nothing makes me more happy than being able to talk to you again. I missed this so much."

126. "It was stupid. I was being stupid. And I'm so sorry for that."

127. "I bet you wont even get one point against me."
"Oh, are you challenging me?"

128. "That's not even a real sport." I will show you that it definitely is!"

all prompts from @creativepromptsforwriting 💘

[phantomsofmyformerself]

This is a genuine question and if I say something offensive I wholeheartedly apologize. But how do you think they could've written Claudia's inevitable death in a way that didn't reproduce racist stereotypes and still made her go with a bang (like the line about coming back to haunt them all)? I've tried to think about this, because the trial did look, sound and smell like a lynching and was awful, but the only way I could see this happening in a 'respectful' (not actually respectful because there's nothing respectful in killing her, I'm just using it because I couldn't think of another word) is as if it'd happened off camera. But I also think it would be awful to just hear that she died and not even have a proper scene of her? I saw Delainey saying they never talked about the trial like that, that Santiago mocked Claudia the same way he'd mock Lestat's accent if he was the target too... So, I don't know if they had many options to make it less worse? Torturing and killing black characters is nothing new and a disservice television has done for years. But not only cutting their Achilles' heel, but showing it too, with close-ups even, showing Claudia without her hair, the animations that didn't even match their skin tone etc. They could've told the story of the episode without any of that. They should have.

btw i am white! everything i say is from a white perspective! (feel that is important to note)

i think there isn't much they could really change (that i can think of), in concerns with wanting to remain truthful to the book. claudia dies, she is burned by the sun after a trial, and she pops up in later books as 'nightmares/hallucinations' for both lestat and louis (the line about haunting them is so that for future seasons they can bring her back in that way, similar to a dreamstat type thing and i am very excited for this)

i think the animations not matching their skin note is, perhaps, an example of the coven's racism? maybe? i'm not too sure. but yes, i don't think it was really necessary. i suppose having close ups of claudia without her hair was trying to show her face turned to look at lestat whilst burning (as delainey said, she was looking at him for help which does def add something to the scene). but i understand how significant hair is in black cultures, and i do agree with you anon, they could've had claudia looking at him before that moment.

i think the change from it being a closed trial of just the coven and lestat (i think? correct me if i'm wrong) in the book to a sort of mob spectacle does add the elements of lynching to the scene that wasn't really necessary and again, ig is only there for theatrical reasons but

if you want an answer in 'fixing' it. i'm really not sure, other than having it been a closed trial.

[kitkatpadywaks]

The Start Of Something New.

Part 9 Of La Mechancete De La Vie.

Warnings: None.

Word Count: 895

A/N: It's Back! I had this chapter in my drafts for months and just finalised it so I could post it. I will finally be writing new chapters for this story for the first time in 7 months- I initially tried to force myself to continue it at the time but instead burnt myself out (hence why this instalment is so short).

Previous | Masterlist | Next

Life's power booms. The surge is felt across the entirety of the universe, every realm and by all beings and people alike. Each entity, from Heaven to Hell, from Time and Night, and their Endless children, feel Life's power. They all look to the source, to the Void, and shiver.

Except for Dream of the Endless, he merely smiles sadly at the familiar feel of his lover, silently wishing her luck in her endeavours, whatever they are.

Life smiles as she walks across a field of lush green grass, brightly lit despite the black Void swirling above it. Her arms extend, and another burst of power explodes from her body, and flowers, plants and trees, never seen in creation, sprout at the edge of the field and expand as far as the eye can see.

The immortal beings of the universe shiver again, wondering, terrified, what Life is up to. 

Destiny looks through his book, finding nothing, much to the irritation of the Kindly Ones, whose conversation Life interrupted with her demonstration of power.

Life laughs with glee, "I did it. I did it!" She jumps around, coming to a stop when she realises she's alone, her mood souring slightly. She ponders on the decisions she has made since her imprisonment, annoyed that, in a way, she's still playing by the rules made by the beings who want to see her fail.

Old habits die hard. Life supposed. But what could she do? Realistically, anything. But at what cost?

She could continue to play by the rules or make her own. Life is leaning towards the latter, as following theirs had already cost her a relationship with the one she loves.

Life freezes, the realisation making her mind race. I love him. Fuck. I love him.

Her mood sours even more as she thinks about how they left things and how to fix them. Though- she supposed she already knew how to fix it. But how much would change? Did she care about the inevitable repercussions she would have to deal with from the Kindly Ones and Destiny?

No, not particularly. 

She feels a strange pull in her being, confusing her until flapping wings reach her ears.

So that's what it feels like when someone enters my realm.

"Hello, Matthew." She lifts her hand slowly, a tree growing from the ground next to her, stopping at her shoulder so the raven will be eye to eye with her when he lands on one of the three branches.

"Hey, Life. How you doin'?"

Life smiles at the raven as he shuffles awkwardly on the branch, eyeing the purple leaves attached to it. "I'm well. What brings you to my realm?"

"Your realm? Is this what all those bursts of power were for? To make your own realm?"

"Yes. Why? What did people think it was?"

"The end of existence."

Life laughs at that, the veins in the purple leaves glowing gold in response to its creator's amusement. Life looks at Matthew fondly, "You didn't answer my question, Matthew. Why are you here?"

"Boss has gone to have dinner with his siblings, and I was bored, so I thought I'd see what you're up to. And I was just wondering when you and the boss will make up." Matthew shuffles around and bows his head, feeling like he overstepped some boundaries. "He's been... upset since you left."

Life hums and clenches her fists, letting a beat of silence sit as she figures out what she wants to say, "I've been somewhat set in my ways, Matthew."

He looks at her confused, wondering where she's going with this, "How'd you mean?"

"I've changed so much over the years, and yet I still... I'm still abiding by rules that don't apply to me. I'm not sure what I'm doing, to be honest."

"What happens if you don't play by the rules?" The raven tilts his head.

"Certain beings will attempt to tell me off." Life smiles in amusement, knowing, as annoying as it would be, it wouldn't make a difference in what she does.

The raven stares at her, "Seems like you already know what you want to do."

Life nods and smiles at him, "I do. You're a good listener, Matthew. You're welcome to stay in my realm as long as you wish."

"Oh, thank you, my Lady." Matthew awkwardly bows, making Life chuckle.

"There's no need for that, Matthew."

"Right, okay, sorry. Oh." 

Life raises an eyebrow at the raven, suddenly understanding what's wrong when she senses a second presence within Matthew. 

"Boss is back." Matthew groans, "And wondering where I am."

The corner of Life's lips tilts up into a small smile, amused and unbothered as she has already blocked Dream's sight of her, allowing Matthew to choose to tell Dream about his visit. 

Matthew sighs, "I should probably go. It was good seeing you, Life."

Life smiles fully this time, "And you, Matthew. You're always welcome in my realm. Visit any time you like."

"T-Thank you."

Matthew flaps his wings and takes to the sky, wanting to leave as quickly as possible so he doesn't have a chance to embarrass himself, knowing full well that if he could blush, he would have.

My realm. Life smiles at the thought, letting her power build once more. What should I add next?

~

Thanks for reading!

[dustednotepad]

loop

one time, long ago, i was stuck in a time loop. that's not quite right. yesterday, i was caught in a time loop. today, i'm caught in a different one. i went through yesterday 847 times. you'd think i'd remember that loop a little better than i do. i've been stuck in today 3,485 times. at least, i think it's that many. give or take a couple dozen. i've tried everything. yesterday, all i had to do to escape was become better-- perfect, basically. stop the kid from tripping, pull the woman back from the car splash. eggs over easy, piano isn't tuned, try the third floor, instead. call my best friend, apologize to my sister. go to the festival, ride the ferris wheel, dance. i thought getting it right was what got me out. maybe it was just luck. i've tried everything today. helping people, saving people. romance, running away. fixing the government, starting a charity. a thousand different ways to kill yourself, to hurt someone else. i've tried staying in bed all day, sleep deprivation. inevitably, i'd blink by midnight and wake up in bed. i woke up tired, but otherwise the same. about 1200 loops in, i took to adopting the same dog over and over again. i didn't think it would change anything, i just wanted the dog. about 1700 loops in, i forbid myself from going by the shelter anymore. still, i cherish the memory of giving junebug her first cheeseburger, a hundred times over. the nice thing about june was that i could talk about the loop to her and she never reacted differently after. i wonder what this town would think if it knew i had slept with the vast majority of them. strange how quickly romance dies when you're militant in the search for your true love. the only upside is the loop kills any stds. i've checked. i've learned mandarin and python, taught myself piano-- i wanted to do guitar, but i can't develop the calluses for it--, and i managed to catch up on grey's anatomy. if-- when, maybe-- i make it to tomorrow, it'll be fun explaining my new skills. i figured out my thesis at least, so once i know that my writing won't disappear as soon as i fall asleep, i'll have that ready. maybe if my defense goes poorly, i'll have another loop to fix it. maybe when i escape this, i'll just kill myself anyway. i don't think people are meant to exist like this and keep going. i don't know if i'll ever escape this loop, anyway. i'm too scared that tomorrow's loop will be worse.

[kenthenugget]

Adobe Broke Photoshop in 2023

A bit of a disclaimer: this will contain quite a bit of swearing and a lot of anger so be warned

For the past 3 and half years, I've been using photoshop for pretty much all of my digital drawings. Ever since I discovered you could draw in it back in my high school digital media class back in the 11th grade in 2019, I've pretty much used it for everything from school work to my comic to personal works. Despite its hefty price, its been reliable tool for me, and I've never had any sort of issues with it, up until recently.

Upon joining the tapas community, I was shocked at how much photoshop was disliked by the wider art community. Hell the mod in a server I'm in hates it with a burning passion (and may hate others who use it but idk). Mostly I've noticed that the complaints boil down to photoshop being buggy, unstable and overall unreliable. But in my experience that couldn't be further from the case. And if this were me from 2022 typing this, I would have to agree. But now I can see where they're coming from. In the course of 6 months, photoshop has gone from being a reliable good program to a complete mess. And any good will I had towards it is gone, and I'm surprised I'm still using it. The following is a recollection of my experience with the program beginning at the tail end of 2022 to now. Its going to be hard for me to frame this story in terms of escalation because it starts off really bad but gets slightly better by the end, but not by much.

Crashing:

Its inevitable that any computer program will crash at some point, and Photoshop is no exception. Up until this year, crashes were never really an issue. Sure they were annoying then they happened but they happened so infrequently that it was never a major problem. But that would quickly change. Beginning a few days before 2023, and ending around March and April, Photoshop would crash at the frequency of...every week, usually once per week at best and up to 3 or fucking 5 at worst. And it would all be the exact same. I would be drawing and out of nowhere, the program would freeze. I couldnt minimize it, close, save or do anything. The only way I'd be able to close it was by using task manager to force quit it. This was, as you could expect, annoying and extremely rage inducing but it wasnt just crashing that caused this.

Now thankfully, photoshop has an auto recovery feature so if the program crashes or if your pc looses power, you can recovery what you were working on and everything would be fine! But if photoshop crashed this way, auto recovery wouldnt work properly. It would recovery the file yes, but anything I was working up to the moment of crashing would be fucking gone. I cant tell you how many hours of work I lost because of this. Entire page layouts, sketches, selections, layers, etc gone within in an instant. I would try to levy the damage by changing the auto recovery timer from 10 to 5 minutes but only just.

I tried tolerating this at first but it kept happening more and more and eventually I had enough. My solution was to downgrade to the previous photoshop version as I surmised that the newer version had broken photoshop. This happened in February and up until the end of my spring break in March, I felt a sense of peace that I hadn't felt in a while. Sure, it would still crash but not the level as it did before. But that changed on the 16th and 17th. Photoshop crashed 5 times within those two days, three of them happening on the SAME... FUCKING... DAY!!! I wont lie, I felt defeated in a way I hadnt felt in a long time and out of desperation, I ended up updating to the latest version, praying that that would be the fix.

However this part of the story has a happy ending...sort of. I ended up making a thread about this on the adobe forums and ending up updating the driver for my graphics card and after that, photoshop stopped crashing. And unlike the last time, it didnt increase to that frequency ever again. In fact, I found a way of spotting when a crash would happen and found ways of avoiding it. The freezing would happen on certain files I was working on. And if I closed that file, I could avoid the entire thing freezing and loosing all my work. But regardless, the first 3 months of the year have (as stupid as this sounds) permanently scared me and Im still subconiously scared photoshop will crash constantly again.

The Annoying Ass Bugs:

Though the program had stabilized, my issues with photoshop would persist in the form of bugs which are really really fucking annoying to deal with. The first of those came in the form of it getting stuck on left click. If I had the program open for longer than 24 hours (or if I used the keyboard commands for undo, copy + cut + paste, or other tools that werent the brush and eraser tool), photoshop would get stuck on whatever tool I was using left click for. If it was the zoom tool, it would zoom in and out without me holding my finger down on the left mouse key. Same with the rotation tool and so on. The only way I could stop this was by closing the program and reopening it. Now, this is far better than the program crashing on me every day, but its very inconvenient. And I dont think I need to explain why. Other updates would come but Adobe didnt seem to fix it until an update that came out in early June. However, in doing this, they introduced another bug....

If I rotate the canvas or zoom in on a file Im working on, switch tabs and come back to that file, the camera position is reset. Rotations are reset, Im now zoomed out instead of zoom in, the camera is focused on a different part of the canvas. And unlike the last one, I cant stop it by closing the program. I dont understand how Adobe keeps on doing this. This fix a bug by introducing a new one. How is that even possible? And to make matters worse, they rolled out another update with "stablitiy issues" and according a comment left on a thread I made about this on the adobe forums, they still haven't fixed it. God only knows when they will and when they do, I wouldn't be surprised if Adobe found a way to break photoshop again.

So there you have it! With 6 months Photoshop has gone from a reliable work horse to a program I don't trust using. About half an hour before typing this blog out, Photoshop crashed while I was trying to fill in something, and I have to ask myself, "Why am I still doing this?" Why am I still using a program I hate using? Why am I subjecting myself to this? Why cant I just use the program every artist gushes over like its the second coming of Jesus Christ, Clip Studio Paint? And I dont have an answer. Apart from me wanting to finish my comic without worrying about adjusting to different art programs, I don't know why I'm still using photoshop. Maybe its because I've used it for so long that I have an attachment to it. Like I cant move on and just be done with it. Maybe despite all I said, I dont want photoshop to be this bad. I want it to be a good program. I want say with pride that its reliable program. I want it to be a functional stable thing I can use to draw my characters. I hate what Adobe's done with it.

I don't really know how to end this post. But all I can say is Adobe, you fucked up big time....

[quintential]

dialogue with the self

FIX YOURSELF

I'm tired of listening to myself talk. so, I'm going to do this new thing where I talk and my computer makes it into written words. this takes up less space on my computer, and maybe will give me a new outlook on what I write.

 I keep a record of a lot of things. mainly, how I'm doing in any given situation. I like to keep a journal of my brain, in a way, and this manifests in many many videos of myself, and diary entries, in a myriad of places both digital and on paper. but what's the point?

 let me preface this by giving you a view into my life at the moment. I have reached a period of stagnation. I feel sad, and depressed. I have very little motivation to do anything at all, I feel melancholic, generally unattached to the world.

 all I want to do is curl into myself. I live in the most beautiful place in the world, San francisco, and I'm still sad.

 this is a very upsetting discovery to make. no matter where I go, I can feel sad anywhere. I sustain off the natural high of being in a new place, using the anxiety to propel me and move me forward. once it rubs off, I'm left with my own thoughts.

 yesterday, december 5th, I found myself feeling entirely stupidly bored. I recognize that there are things I would like to change in my life. I've recently quit cigarettes, about a week ago. this is good, but I've had a cold since I've quit and have not noticed the difference in my lung capacity yet- probably because I'm still smoking copious amounts of marijuana. I've been getting sick at least once a month this whole year, pretty much. I'm forced to sit down and be with my body, and recognize that it's trying to tell me something.

 so what do I need to change? well, I realized that I am incredibly addicted to and dependent on weed. I smoke weed, or adjust it in some kind of way every single day. the weed supports one of my other biggest bad habits, which is overeating. they go hand in hand. the loss of self-control that weed brings  pacifies my self-hatred and allows me to indulge in one of my favorite coping mechanisms, which is eating until I cannot move. The judgment rod is spared until later, the shame i will not have to confront until i wake up and look at my stomach in the mirror the next morning. I always look at my stomach in the morning.

 I also need more friends.  I do not thrive in my comfort zone.  to grow, actually- to function at all- I must be out of my comfort zone. because my comfort zone is what I'm doing right now. it's being alone, in my room, and my bed, depressed, eating, and watching nonsensical things to keep my brain from thinking too hard.

 I know what I need. at this point of my life I have watched myself go through a cycle, this pattern so many times that I feel pretty aware of what's going on inside of me. I know what to fix, I know what's holding me back, but at the same time I am so incredibly blind. Because even though I know what I need to do, I do not want to change. being high feels so good. being alone feels so safe. but I have my longings.  if I try to actualize my longings, it will be good for me, but it will also lead to exhaustion and inevitable hurt. I don't feel very resilient.

 I don't really have much else to say. I think I've talked myself into circles. I'm done. 

Why is the sad so there? why does life feel so heavy? what am I doing wrong? I know you're supposed to just keep getting hurt, and get up again, and hurt others, and get up again, and keep getting hurt, and get up again

 when will it end? Am i suicidal?  do I mumble? I want to join a cult.  I want to be safe. I've tried to quit weed before and I’ve failed. I know it's more complicated than this, but it feels like it's already too late for me. talking about this makes me want to run away. makes me want to book a ticket to india, travel anywhere really, try and forget. but I can't do that. I have to stay here. I don't get to always run away. be better. Be strong. Learn from your mistakes. It’s ok to rest. I think.

[thewordmaiden]

Mourning is strange.

Mourning is strange. I never knew I could mourn the loss of someone who is still alive, yet here I am trying to rack my brain for the right words to say. I've cried, I've yelled, I've numbed, rise and repeat. Just when I think I'm moving on you pop back up and it gives me hope...

I'm always going to have questions that I know I will never get the answers too. I'm not sure exactly when things started to change but I do know it's been a long time comin' & I've been fighting the inevitable since we met.

I know that you won't tell me the truth, mainly because I already asked you something where you turned around and said everything was fine but then I get clarification that you lied to me... the one thing... the one fuckin' thing I ask no one to do, the one thing you and everyone else knows is my only rule.. you took that one thing, laughed and toss it in the trash with my picture.

It hurts to know you never respected me enough to just always be honest with me and I have come to notice that this is a pattern of yours. A pattern I got wrapped up in because, fuck, I loved you a bit more then I should have... now here we are, somewhere I never expected us to be. Strangers.

I expected to have you in my life forever, but it turns out that once you start to grow and do better for yourself there are people that will be appalled at your audacity to live and grow.

You seem to think people should be able to read your mind. To read why you are upset. To know exactly what pissed you off and how it can be fixed. Sadly, my dear lost friend, that is not possible. Not for me, nor for anyone else in this maddening world. What I can do is confront you and ask you, multiple times, if we are okay, if what I said upset you, if you have a problem with me. "No. Nope. Everything's fine. Of course, were friends!"

Yes... of course. Why? Why would you lie to me? In hopes of, what, I would just fade away to not bother you again? Well, I've tried that, yet you keep poking yourself back into my heart like you want to be there, yet your actions scream at me to close the doors and give up on the friendship we once had.

I've never been good at being abandoned. I've never been good at forgetting. I've never been one to not have un-answered questions eat at their thoughts at 3am. I used to be one who begged to be loved. Who begged for others to stay when they promised they would.

I used to believe we would be friends forever... now I beg that I can get past this ache that you left behind.

[shawnjacksonsbs]

It really is just supposed to be about love.

Not the kind you only talk about, but the kind you feel and share. You may not know you're doing it, but the people around do. Trust that. 7-22-23

"Peace means far more than the opposite of war. Peace, like love or like hope, is an action one can take, something that can be done, not just something that might arrive." - Mr Fred Rogers

Looks like I've reached that point again.

That point of no getting back.

The ones where all the help and love I show(ed) is not good enough anymore to even be remembered, let alone validated.

Being disrespected and all the help taken for granted as a hole keeps getting dug deeper and deeper, can't. . . It just can't.

I want it over. Mainly so, the resentments and toxicity can stop growing and festering.

I believe wholeheartedly that healing will happen at some point in the future, and I don't want it worse now and even more difficult to fix for anyone later.

Hard to help people who aren't ready to help themselves, though.

As we all know, there just has to come a time, where even I have to say enough is enough.

Again . . .again . . .again.

I imagine it must get old reading how my gratitude is based loosely on a hope for loved ones who still have issues and struggles, even if they are mostly self-inflicted.

I am grateful though, for my life and in my ability to at least say that I tried, and I've been trying and trying and trying in the physical, emotional, and financial sense. Not just spewing crap based on hearsay. I've been living it.

I slip a lot, but I know I will continue to do what I think and feel is the right thing regardless of how I might get played or what anyone else thinks.

I can't say that that shit doesn’t hurt my heart. Being overlooked, when others have seen it, is painful, but I have to remember to try as hard as my heart will, that hurt people hurt people and it's not as personal as it feels. They're just stacked attacks. Resentments that kill all joy for everyone involved.

The next best thing to a healing is going to be forcing an uncomfortable change. Further enabling is out of the question.

I imagine the worse part for me is feeling all the pain from everyone, even those causing the pain. None of this is what I want, but we don't always get what we want, right?

Holding on and hoping my work doesn’t suffer too much as trust issues ensue.

I hope the next inevitably painful step isn't too uncomfortable.

Sorry about all the feels in this entry, but I went as generic as I could make it, but I needed to vent my hurt out.

And it's only the middle of the week.

Wish me luck.

I'm sure I'll add more before Saturday arrives.

~

The second part of my entry comes in another form.

I have been, for the last few weeks, watching a show called the Chosen that my oldest son turned me onto.

It's a good interpretation, in my opinion. Most of you that read and follow me already know where I stand on belief and faith . . .

Doesn't change the fact that I'm open-minded and open-hearted and long ago went from feeling disrespected by people trying to guide me into religious directions, to that of feelings of love when they do. Mainly because I believe they care about me. I also believe we bring out the good, sometimes even bring out the better in each other(s).

After mentioning that I was watching the show, with some very close . . .friends, who just happen to be Christian and who are also pulling for my 2 oldest sons, respectively, I was reminded of a conversation we had about gay rights (kinda irrelevant to this entry). I'll limit each side, but to say we agreed on love and disagreed in other areas is where we ended the conversation.

I believe with my whole that they care about people, maybe differently, at least as some would view them, but regardless, it got me to thinking. And I already believe that things happen the way their supposed to, if not then go back and change . . .any past event, but accepting things that have passed is easier than accepting the things we are presently involved in. The, like "right now" acceptance is a most temperamental thing to be sure, for some. Dare I say, for most.

Doesn't change the fact that it's all suppose to be love from, the judging Christian, to the judging Muslim, to the judging atheist.

Believe what you want, but when start judging others, you fail, I don't care. All of us. It’s a constant failure, but we can try and learn to curb it. Mild or completely brainwashed, discrimination is wrong.

The clip (in the comments) set this all in motion in my mind, as I struggled with my day in my heart.

Granted videos like this that are generally meant to resonate in my heart, usually only point me to the hypocrisies attached, sometimes I find places to the love, the light, the silver.

The following is what I said to him: "Tell me how the beginning of this video reminded me of our conversation about gay people's rights.

Then, in the middle, I felt . . ."well, maybe it going a different direction", and then nope right back to the forefront of my mind at the end.

You know that already knowing all the stories, and a bunch of the passages and scripture helps me lean into the Chosen, and its interpretation.

All the while the same thing gets stuck in my brain; what if people are getting hung up on the Jesus being real part without putting enough stock into what the hell he was actually saying, doing, and who he chose to associate with.

Finding common ground would mean, that most humans on this planet believe in the God of Abraham, from there it’s just differing conviction, even if only personifying the universe under the guise of love. It's still bigger than any one of us.

Why isn't "just love" enough?"

~

It’s been a very heavy week for me.

If people focused more on actually doing what Jesus was saying about others, it would be leaps and bounds above the “judging others”. Don’t even have to believe in it to do it, and with it. . . PEACE.

Sorry Paul, I know this was a long one. (lol)

~

So, I guess I'll close. Be kind, love . . .everyone, and be grateful for it all. It really is that simple.

Until next week;

"There is no normal life that is free of pain. It's the very wrestling with our problems that can be the impetus for our growth." - Mr Fred Rogers

[genericpuff]

ALRIGHT SO

REMEMBER THIS ?? REMEMBER THIS RANDOM PC ISSUE I HAD EARLIER THIS WEEK???

WELL AFTER I DROPPED IT OFF AT THE SHOP THE FIRST TIME , APPARENTLY THE GUY WAS ABLE TO RUN IT FOR 2 DAYS STRAIGHT WITHOUT ISSUE WITH THE BENCHMARK SOFTWARE RUNNING AT FULL THROTTLE

SO I WENT THERE AND TOOK IT BACK

AND THEN LIKE 8 MINS AFTER BOOTING IT UP AT HOME THE FREEZING HAPPENED AGAIN

sigh so after like 2 hours of messing around with it at home and doing EVERYTHING in my power to get it working again - it literally wasn't even getting to the startup menu anymore, the fans and everything were running fine but we couldn't get it to actually boot up to the BIOS - from changing the plug-in outlets to changing display monitors to unplugging everything from it but the keyboard, at one point we even plugged it into the kitchen outlets and nothing changed, we tried EVERYTHING we feasibly could from home... we took it back to the shop, plugged it in THERE and it DIDN'T WORK. so that at least confirmed to the staff that i wasn't making shit up, SOMETHING was going on with this thing. the guy wasn't in that day so we took it home.

the next day (thursday) he called me and told me that it had started running again and, just like before, they ran the benchmark program, and everything was working fine

so i had to wait until today to go back in (didn't have the car yesterday) and when i did he wasn't in again due to a pet emergency, but the staff were super helpful and let me go into the back area to fuck with it, i brought my mouse and keyboard and drawing tablet with me so we could replicate the EXACT circumstances it was in last time we had booted it up

and it worked

so ?? at this point i'm just at a loss as to what could be wrong and so is everyone else

so while it was working at the shop, i went ahead and checked through my startup apps to make sure there wasn't anything interfering with the boot process, most of what i disabled were the adobe creative cloud startup apps which shouldn't have even been running in the first place because most of them are auto-updaters (which i already have injection code written in to prevent it from checking for updates because if you know you know 🏴‍☠️) but wondered if maybe there was something going on with those startup apps that was interfering with the code and making the thing crash. idk why it would be fine at the shop and not at home but i was willing to try anything at this point. i also turned off the bluetooth, uninstalled / deleted apps that were more recent to see if any of those were causing problems, and just did everything i could possibly think of that would possibly interfere with the startup process.

it was still working after 2 restarts with all of my stuff plugged in, so we finally packed it in, left the shop, and took it home, but not before stopping at the hardware store to pick up a new power bar because even though this thing was gonna be plugged into the wall, maybe the old power bar was causing issues? when i say i was willing to try anything, i meant it LMAO

so now it's at home

and it's been running for the past hour! no issues!

which is great. but i also have severe trust issues now 。゜゜(´Ｏ`) ゜゜。 because i've had it work for a few hours before just to inevitably freeze, so i feel like i'm not really out of the woods yet ? but at least i've gotten it to run for more than 5 minutes which is definitely an improvement ( ; ω ; )

but the worst part is that if it IS fixed now, we'll never really know exactly what was causing the problem. maybe it was the startup apps, maybe it was the power bar, maybe it was something going on in the background processes, maybe windows 11 is being a little bitch, maybe i'm just experiencing a random bout of radioactivity ??? fucking beats me at this point but i'm just relieved to have it working again. how long it works remains to be seen, wish me luck pals (｡T ω T｡)

welp, this kinda sucks

I'm currently at odds with the PC that I got a couple months ago, it's started freezing and soft-resetting randomly for seemingly no reason. It would usually be after hours of use that I could chalk up to the memory overloading, but now it's happening as soon as I boot up the frigging thing. And just to make it clear how much I've done on my own to diagnose the problem, our attempts to fix it have included the following:

Limiting startup applications

Running virus / malware scans

Swapping out display monitors

Updating the GPU drivers

Setting a lower overclock profile in the BIOS settings

Swapping out power cables and outlets to check for power surges

So far none of these things have worked and if anything, the issue has just gotten worse in the last two days. Like, it can barely make it to the startup screen sometimes, despite the memory and CPU usage being >20%, there is zero reason it would be the PC overclocking itself just from startup.

(and no, it doesn't even compel me, i'm just annoyed to shit LOL)

So I dropped it off with the guy who built it (he runs an electronics / pawn shop downtown that's very reputable and well-known so it's not like I don't trust him or anything, he's been building PC's for people in the area for years) and it's now in his care for the next day or two while he tries to isolate the problem. Right now the only thing I can imagine being the problem is the power supply or my display monitor, which is my old Huion Kamvas 22 Plus that still works as a monitor, just not a drawing tablet - but if something's still fucking around in the tablet, it could be causing problems through the PC, maybe.

When I dropped it off with the guy, he went and set it up in his office and came out and told me that so far it seemed to be running just fine, when he asked me if I was doing anything specific I told him it was crashing even after startup so I gave him permission to overclock the shit out of it, run 53879205893 browser tabs, run my games, software, anything he needed to do to push it to its limits and see if he could replicate the problem.

I am terrified if it has to do with the motherboard, because that will be an expensive replacement that will also potentially lead to losing files / installations / etc. depending on how big an issue it is. It could also potentially be Windows 11 having a hissy fit especially seeing as how it's freezing up on startup, but doesn't freeze on the BIOS screen when it loads up in safe-mode after hard resets, so something is clearly happening between the hard boot-up and the startup of Windows 11 itself.

Thankfully I do have Google Drive sync support and plenty of external HDD's that I can back my stuff up to, but with the freezing and restarting getting as bad as it's been, I haven't been able to back anything up, and I don't want to risk doing it manually if it'll just freeze and potentially corrupt my files in the process. So I told the guy to call me if he needed to mess with anything concerning the system storage so that, if he could at least keep it running stable in the shop, then I could swing by and get everything I needed synced up safely before he messes around with anything.

It could also very well have something to do with the power supply itself, the house that I occupy the main floor of isn't exactly built with electric optimization in mind, we've had fuses blow on us before just from running the hair dryer at the same time as the TV, so if it's something to do with the PC drawing too much power for the electrical system here to keep up with, either (hopefully) the guy will be able to instruct me on how to lower and manage that power intake through the PC's BIOS (I believe you can but I'm still a massive noob on custom builds and I don't want to go tinkering with it myself) or, idk, maybe I'll have to get my landlord to drop by again with his electrician and check out the fuses to make sure they're all operating properly. I'm not an electrician either, so fuck if I know at this point what could be going on. I feel like it can't be the house itself because everything else is running fine and it's just become a recent issue, but our city's power grid is also not exactly praised for being good at its job, especially not in the winter.

So yeah, I'm a little - well, a lot - stressed right now, but all I can really do at this point is wait. Fortunately, I have my iPad and also remembered that I still have my old PC, so I've hooked it up, at best if the problem repeats itself on this PC then I'll know it has to do with the display monitor, at worst I'll just be stuck working with my clunky old hardware for a couple days, which is annoying, but it'll get the job done. Fortunately I had the newest episode of Rekindled uploaded to the cloud in Clip Studio so I can still download it and work on it, which was my biggest worry when everything started to go belly-up (next to just, like, having a working PC).

Sooooo yeah. It's annoying, but I'm hoping for the best. Send good vibes y'all, I really could use it rn, between this and slow traffic at work and some other personal shit that's been going on, it's been a shitty few days (╥﹏╥)

And yeah, I'll keep y'all updated on if it affects this week's update, it really shouldn't honestly as most of the work left is doable from both my iPad and PC, but obviously at this point anything can happen so if anything has to be postponed or changed to accommodate the current situation, I'll update y'all as soon as I can! Thanks everyone, y'all are the best, wish me luck <3

[willknightauthor]

Star Wars Head Canon Retcon: The Dark Side

Watching Andor has gotten me back into Star Wars, and going back through the original trilogy I'm realizing again how much potential there is in what's implied about the past. But then the prequels lock that potential into a very disappointing, fixed answer, which everything now has to work around. There are some workable things in the prequels, but they only work if you fill in the gaps with head canon, or refer to questionably-canon side works. So I've constructed my own head canon based on the original trilogy about what really happened in the prequels. Since George Lucas operated as though only the original movies were canon, and any of the novels were fair game to retcon, I'll do the same (although I'll at least try to keep the good modern shows like Andor and Rebels viable).

The Light and Dark Sides of the Force:

One of the problems I see in a lot of Star Wars works is that the light side is portrayed as simplistically good, and the dark side as simplistically evil. Sith ideology and personalities get smoothed over or ignored, and any story that tries to explain how someone "falls to the dark side" while staying in canon has a lot of trouble not being facile (looking at you, Anakin). This comes from the original trilogy, but everyone leaned into the simplistic binary when there were ways to lean out of it without retconning the original movies. Basically, the Sith are extremely underdeveloped and badly structured to be anything other than villains, which makes them terrible primary character material.

So how can we fix it? Clarify the philosophies of both the Jedi and the Sith, so that they represent not good and evil, but opposing views on life and society. The Jedi are inspired by Asian religions, like Daoism and Buddhism, but in a simplistic way; these religions have multiple schools and have changed throughout history. So I say, lean into the East Asian side of things. The dark side of the force presumably exists even without the Sith, so what is it? The force is life: what is the dark side of life? In my head canon, the light side is birth, growth, life, peace, and order, and the dark side is death, decay, passion, and disruption. Both sides are inevitable parts of the universe. They're unavoidable.

Now the dark side isn't evil, it's just dangerous--and it's easy to see how the Jedi could conflate danger with evil. These two views on the force have implications for the philosophies and structures of the Jedi and Sith. The light side of the force is cultivated by developing inner tranquility, self-discipline, and a detachment from the chaotic affairs of the world. The more they develop that, the stronger they become in the force, which is consistent with the original trilogy. The dark side is cultivated through passion, direct connection with people and things around you, and force of will. The more emotionally intense and fiery they become, the more they connect with the force--which is also consistent with the original trilogy. This vaguely corresponds to the "masculine" and "feminine" paths in mysticism, one side seeking to deconstruct the mind and reality to reach ultimate truth, the other side seeking to transcend the rational to understand that which cannot be spoken.

This has implications for the Sith, because someone can be passionate and invested in the world around them in ways other than hate, fear, and ambition. There are so many ways to experience the world through passion, like sorrow, joy, and love. You could have a Sith lord literally crushing armies with the power of friendship. The stereotypical Sith, at their best, wouldn't be Palpatine, it would be someone laughing while playing music in a graveyard. Someone who understands the painful impermanence of life, but chooses to embrace the ups and downs anyway. Someone who finds the tragedy in joy, and the joy in tragedy.

But as their emotions wax and wane, so would their connection to the force, which means the most powerful Sith would also have the most inner turmoil. The Jedi have the opposite problem: disruption to their inner equilibrium weakens their connection to the force, so they must constantly discipline themselves and control their environment to ensure their inner state isn't disrupted.

This means that the Jedi would have to live mostly secluded, monastic lives, while the Sith could live among everyday people normally. This reflects a distinction in actual world religions between monastic-oriented religions and lay-oriented religions, and Buddhism has had many movements to democratize Buddhist philosophy and practice for the masses. Some of these movements have even inspired anti-aristocratic revolutions. So in this division of the force, the Jedi are the old-school conservative monks, while the Sith are the fiery populists.

But of course there is a danger with relying on intense emotions for your power. Any emotion can become destructive at very high intensity, but certain emotions are more dangerous than others... like fear and hate. While some Sith would base their power on things like joy, others would base their power on hate, and it's totally reasonable for people to not want superpowered genocidal maniacs walking around.

The other danger is the dark side itself. The light side, being focused on life and stability, extends the life of the practitioner as they grow in their force connection; their body and mind become more stable. The dark side does the opposite, corroding the body and mind of the practitioner. Some Sith masters would live shorter lives, and those who live long, live long enough to go insane and devolve into the most extreme version of whatever they were.

This is how I explain Vader and Palpatine: they were not originally like that, the dark side warped their bodies and minds further in the direction of hate and fear. Palpatine doesn't look grotesque because he was injured, but just because he lived so long with such an intense connection to the dark side. And that's why he's comically evil: no-one like that could've taken power, but he wasn't always like that. He used to be unassuming and charming, now he's a decaying husk who says evil things with no filter. Similarly, Vader's body is decaying, and his wounds won't heal, so he's had to supplement his flesh with more and more machinery to survive.

So what would a good Sith look like? One who derives their power from their passionate commitment to justice and love of their friends? Ezra and Kanan, from Rebels.

And what would a good Sith look like, once the dark side has corroded their mind? Saw Gerrera from Rogue One.

[p-antomime]

i will, my love.

— minors don't interact.

— wc: 4K.

content + warnings: 18+, including: soft dom!suna, pet names, fingering, oral (female), unprotected sex, worship, really soft sex tbh, virginity loss

pairings: boyfriend!suna rintarō x virgin!fem!reader

— haikyuu masterlist.

Your thoughts were eating you up inside. But not quickly, in a way that hardly hurt your soul, but, yes, too slowly, because of this, naturally your body started to work that much harder to get to the end of the day exhausted so that there was no opening for you to think about it.

Y/N was not entirely sure that her boyfriend realized this, but considering how observant he is, it was naturally possible that he was just waiting for a good opportunity to bring up the subject and find out what was making "his princess" so uncomfortable.

In reality, your fear was that Suna thought that the problem was something involving you, or worse, that you were about to break up with him after a long 1 year and four months of dating, but the problem was more specific and, for you, secretly more embarrassing, especially when your friends told you that "you are too old to be a virgin". Every time the group of friends of the two of you got into the subject of "sex life", you walked away and made up a bad excuse to leave the place, sometimes taking Suna along or sometimes leaving him behind; and the few times when there was no way out and the two of you were put up against the wall, Suna would reply that "you're both waiting for the right time" and you could see the look of disappointment not in him, but in his friends.

Suna was extremely patient with you, and although you actually thought it was the least he could do for you as the person he loves, your mind persisted in whispering in your ear that he would get tired of waiting. It wasn't as if Y/N was a holy prude, far from it, but every time he tried to comfort you with his arms around your body while his lips were pressed against yours in a deep and intense kiss and his hips thrust against yours in an attempt to demonstrate that his body needed yours, you felt too eager and refused to move forward with that brief signal; and all these times you could hear Suna in the bathroom using his own hand to masturbate because the walls were so thin in the apartment shared between you and your classmate.

Did you feel guilty for not fucking him during all this time of dating? No... until last week when a girl approached him while you and his friends were leaving for the movies and asked if she could have his number. It wasn't as if Suna had paid any attention to the girl, but you felt as if there were thousands of young girls your age or older ready to give him anything he wanted in a matter of minutes, especially to let you slip between their legs without a care in the world.

And today was the day when Y/N had the day off to do whatever he and his roommate wanted, so it turned out that it didn't take long for Suna Rintarou to be lazily lying on the couch in the living room of the apartment shared between his girlfriend and another girl from her college course while you were looking for a movie for both of you to watch. You could feel his watchful, calm gaze glued to your back, but your body didn't want to turn around to face him.

— What is it? — You asked, still looking at the TV remote control.

— You seem strange these days. — He said, in the same eerily calm tone he always used, he was trying to get you against the wall by using the same old words so as not to make you feel afraid.

— Do I? — It was obvious that you were going to try to talk him out of it, and it wasn't long before you heard a rustle behind you that indicated that Suna was now sitting on the couch instead of lying down, and his hands came down on your shoulders, massaging them lightly; only at that particular moment did you realize how tense they were.

— Do you want to talk about it, or do I need to tear it out of you? I can tickle you until you talk... or kiss you until you suffocate, you choose. — A light laugh escaped his lips and yours fingers briefly unlearned how to flick the TV remote control.

— I've just... been thinking a lot these days, but it's no big deal. — You shrugged your shoulders trying to look nonchalant, but Suna put his hand on your chin and made you face him.

— Really? So, you wouldn't mind repeating that by looking me in the eye, would you? — He raised his eyebrows suggestively, and you frowned.

— You don't believe me?

— Not after watching you act so strange all week, not after yesterday you didn't even want to participate in the video game night at the twins' house. — He leaned his face on her shoulder and frowned. — Tell me what's wrong, and I'll fix it for you. — You bit your lip nervously and chose to look away from the television again. — Has anyone annoyed you this week? Is someone at the college treating you badly? Was it something I did?

Y/N knew that there was a high chance that Suna would throw several questions at her to get to the root of what was being the nuisance as soon as he felt she was comfortable around him, but she didn't expect it to be this soon and that he wouldn't give her time to come up with the slightest plausible excuse.

And after Suna's voice died down, an uneasy, tense silence settled over the room, and you ended up turning around so that you could look at him.

— Does the fact that I didn't want to have sex with you during these months of dating bother you? — It was his turn to feel embarrassed and choke on his own saliva.

— What? — He coughed a few times, feeling as if he had heard you wrong.

— You heard me. — You leaned your arms on his legs and looked at him intently as his calm and serene countenance returned.

— Is this the problem? Lack of sex? I thought you didn't want me to go through with this yet. — His hands brushed against her cheeks and caressed them with his fingertips. — Did you change your mind?

— Answer my question and I'll answer yours.

— It doesn't bother me, really. I will wait for years to have sex with you, if you decide to keep me waiting that long. — Suna answered calmly, and slowly the tension inside you dissolved. — I thought you didn't care so much about this, if you hadn't we would have talked more about it, if you had wanted to.

— I was just... insecure, because you never complain about it, and I feel that your friends look at you like you are with me out of pity every time the topic of "sex" comes up. — Y/N replied returning to focusing on the TV remote. — And... — Her teeth bit the inside of her cheek before her lips whispered more to you than to Suna: —, maybe I changed my mind.

— What, babe? I couldn't hear you properly. — Suna put his arms around your waist and pulled you up, and you felt your cheeks begin to heat up.

— I didn't say anything.

— Repeat what you said before. — His tone dropped an octave and a shiver ran down your back slowly.

— I said I might have changed my mind. — You swallowed hard, staring him straight in the eye for a few seconds before feeling intimidated and staring at the back of the sofa behind him.

— Hmm, really? — Suna rested one hand on your chin while the other rested against your waist to pull you up to sit on his thighs, after which he kissed your lips lightly. — Do you truly want this or are you doing this just because you think it's what I want? — He asked, running his thumb over your lower lip.

— I do. — You answered, shifting into a more comfortable position on his lap and looking down from his eyes to his mouth. — Give me the best of yourself that you can.—  Your hands rested on his shoulders, and the thought of having him freely explore your body made butterflies rise in the pit of your stomach.

— I will, my love. — Suna replied with a slight smile before he really kissed you hard and slowly reached inside your gray tank top with his fingers.

His touch was soft, tender, with fingertips rubbing against the skin of your back slowly, as if massaging it, and then moving down the front of your torso to gently reach your breasts. He was really trying to make you as comfortable as possible, as relaxed as possible, and you couldn't help yourself but have your heart melting under the influence of Suna Rintarou.

When the two of you had to break the kiss because of the missing air, it wasn't long before Suna's lips left wet kisses down your neck and his fingers massaged and squeezed your breasts lovingly before he began to play with your nipples and you gasped because your boyfriend's touch seemed to amplify your own pleasure. It wasn't as if you had never masturbated, quite the opposite in fact, but it was different when another person was touching you.

— Are you sure? — He asked, pulling his lips away from the warm skin of your neck and looking down at you with his hands still around your tits.

— Yes, I'm absolutely sure. — You answered inevitably, forcing your hips against his for more friction. — Please, love. — Your hands reached for the hem of his shirt and pulled it up to expose his upper body.

— Great, babe. — Suna kissed your collarbones and rose from the sofa, pulling you along with him, making you clutch his shoulders in despair at the sudden action. — It would suck if your first time with me was on the living room couch, wouldn't it? — You felt your cheeks heat up and lean your head on his shoulder, nodding positively. — You're my princess, so it's only fair that I treat you like one in the bedroom. — And so he carried you to your room, and when he got there, he locked the door and let you lie on the bed looking at your body intently.

As soon as his hands brushed against your tank top and moved it out of the way, Suna was licking and sucking one of your breasts carefully while his other hand squeezed your other nipple, moans escaping from deep in your throat filled the place obscenely and your head fell back against the pillows as your legs opened to better accommodate your boyfriend's body between them.

— Fuck, you are so beautiful. — Suna whispered, sliding his lips down your abdomen and sending a shiver down your back that made you tangle your fingers in his brown hair and try to force your hips up to signal to him where exactly you needed him. — Don't be impatient, I need to take my time with you, it's your first time. — He kissed lightly on the top point of her pelvis and her body shivered.

In the next few seconds, Suna was undoing your thin pajama shorts and leaving you in only your panties while his fingers ghosted down your knees and thighs slowly. The anticipation and expectation were eating you up inside and it was inevitable that high-pitched moans would come from your lips, your body was literally burning for him and your vision seemed about to go blurry at any moment. And he hadn't even done anything sexual with you yet.

— It's so easy to get you horny it's almost cute. — Suna murmured more to himself than to you as he kissed your covered pussy and made you squirm.

Over the fabric of your panties, he gave you a gentle lick along the entire area of your intimacy before actually moving it out of the way and slowly pushing your folds apart. It was almost as if you had been longing for years to belong to him, and Suna couldn't help himself before grunting and teasing your clit with the tip of his tongue. The wave of pleasure that washed over your body was intense enough to make you arch your back painfully and pull his hair tightly as loud moans came from your lips.

— So sweet, I've been thinking about your pussy for so long. — Suna said before he gave a few more licks against your intimacy and entered your interior with just one finger slowly, but he stopped in the middle of the process when he heard a low grunt of pain coming from you, probably because his finger was longer than yours and reached places that had not been widened before. — Tell me if it hurts too much, I can go slower on you, my love. — He kissed your inner left thigh lightly and slowly continued to put his finger in, only to let you get used to it.

— Can you move... please? — You asked breathlessly, propping yourself up on your elbows.

— Sure. — Suna answered with a loving look before he began to move his finger slowly inside you and feeling his own arousal increase as he saw your face contort with pleasure before your head fell back again.

As he increased the speed of that single finger and analyzed your expressions of pleasure and your thrusts of trying to force your hips up for more friction, Suna slowly introduced a second digit into you and massaged your clit with the thumb of that same hand. His lips left biting and sucking on your thighs with no intention of actually marking them, only to make you lose yourself further in pure lust. Minutes later, when your moans already indicated that your insides had gotten used to the widening of two fingers, a third one was introduced and slowly your boyfriend began to really build up a rhythm that made your mind forget absolutely everything. There was only: Suna Rintarou and his ambition to make you feel good.

— Damn, you're so beautiful, I could pleasure you for hours and never get tired of looking at your beautiful face. You're my pretty girl, aren't you? — You couldn't formulate a coherent sentence, not when his fingers were curving in that overpowering way inside you. — Always so good for me, so sweet for me. — Suna took your clit between his lips gently before he began to use his fingers to make scissor-like movements to widen your insides as much as possible.

— Fuck, babe... — You gasped, feeling the same pressure in your lower abdomen that was present every time you were about to cum using your own fingers. — It's s-so good, please... I... — Your train of thought short-circuited as your boyfriend's licks on your clit became more consistent and responsive, your hips thrusting upward frantically.

— Yes, my love, I know, cum for me. I know you want to. — He responded by increasing the speed of the fingers inside you.

A few more thrusts widening your insides were enough to have you collapsing against your boyfriend's body, breath panting, eyes rolling and hands desperately trying to grab hold of any piece of his skin you could get your hands on. You were finished, to say the least. The feeling of having someone making you cum, especially with fingers much longer than yours own, was overwhelmingly different than having you touch yourself. Suna had never pleasured you in that direct way before, so he needed to assess your expressions and body language to know what made you most comfortable, but it only took seconds before he adjusted the right pressure and rhythm to have you completely melting.

— You're such a good girl to me, I love you. — Your boyfriend slowly withdrew his fingers from inside you and moved from between your legs to plant kisses on the surface of your belly while complimenting you in the best possible ways, even though your mind was too busy recovering from the recent orgasm to actually pay attention to what Suna was saying. — Do you think you can handle cumming one more time for me, or do you want me to stop? — He asked, holding her face between his hands after leaving several light kisses all over her cheeks and lips.

— I-I can, yes, don't stop. I want more.

— What a good princess. — Suna whispered against yours lips opening a loving smile and it was almost as if it was possible to see hearts drawing in his pupils.

After that, the rest of his clothes were spread out on the floor around the bed and maybe, just maybe, an apprehension settled inside you as your eyes traveled down your boyfriend's athletic and now naked body and found the length of his cock. He was definitely above average and this made you unconsciously drag your body away a little, which did not go unnoticed by Suna, who put his hands on your lower back and squeezed it lightly as if to reassure you.

— Do you trust me? — He asked, leaning over your body and pulling you close again, your response was a slight positive nod. — If I said it wouldn't hurt, I'd be lying, but if you need me to stop, let me know. Don't be afraid to let me know everything you're feeling, okay, my love?

You responded with a minimal "Yes, Suna" to him and rested your hands on his shoulders, inevitably digging your nails into them as you felt him spread your legs to wrap them around his waist and place the tip of his cock against your entrance. He rubbed his cock between your folds a few times before holding you firmly and slowly invading your interior. You could feel every inch, every vein, but for the first few seconds the pain overpowered the pleasure and small tears rolled down your cheeks. You felt extremely breathless, as if your body was going to break, so Suna leaned over your body to wipe away yours tears with kisses and leaned his forehead against yours without being able to hold back a low grunt from the pleasure of having you squeeze him hard and the pain of feeling your nails raking the skin of his shoulders.

— My beautiful girl, relax, trust me. — He whispered, sliding his mouth down your neck and massaging your back gently. — You can relax for me, can't you? You can be a good girl for me, can't you? — His eyes were staring into yours seriously.

— Y-Yes, Suna, I can... just... — Your breath caught in throat as you felt him slowly continue to fill your insides until he could make you swallow him down. — Give me a few minutes, I'll be your good girl.

— Of course you will. — Suna stood completely still inside you, kissed your collarbones and licked your breasts lightly, never stoping to massage your lower back to give you the comfort he knew you needed.

Leaning your head against the pillows, you concentrated on making the feeling of discomfort and pain gradually disappear. Slowly your body began to move back and forth until you became accustomed to the presence of Suna's cock stretching you completely. Yours senses began to want more of that pleasurable impact, and soon the same spasms as before began to run through your back again.

— S-Suna? — You called him slyly and in a slurred voice. — C-Can you move, please?

— Sure, babe, anything for you. — He pulled you into a deep, loveable kiss before holding your face between his hands and beginning to move inside you, he was trying to analyze your expressions before he began to build up a proper pace.

Suna found that his girlfriend liked it too much when he arched his hips and came hard inside her, but came out slowly, in contrasting movements, so he did this several times just to see you squirming and begging for more of him. It was music to his ears. Your boyfriend's hands lodged around your waist and assisted you in moving back and forth on his dick as his knees rested against the mattress of the bed. At no time did he stop worshipping you and calling you affectionate nicknames through whispers in yours ears that would hardly be heard outside the room because of the sound of the bed banging against the wall and the moans coming out of your mouth.

The pleasure was overwhelming all of your ability to think rationally and yours lips were too busy alternating between giving lewd kisses against Suna's and taking light bites all over his neck. You could literally feel every bit of his skin against yours and it was driving you madder than you could or wanted to admit. The words of love he whispered to you were the complete opposite of his deep, strong thrusts inside you. But, as the minutes passed and your own boyfriend couldn't contain the erratic movements of his cock inside you, he switched positions leaving you on top of him. For the first few seconds your body almost came to a complete standstill with the new depth attained by his entire length and you couldn't help having curses come out of your mouth.

— I-It's so good... — Your body moved up and down against his cock slowly, wanting to prolong that feeling of having him stretching you. Watching you intently, Suna thrusts hard while holding your hips and moaned in unison with you because of the delicious sensation.

— Damn, you're so tight, you take me so well. — He pulled your torso to lean against his and let you partially lie on his body before he began thrusting himself deep inside you, hitting all the right spots inside you.

Everything about him seemed to push you to climax faster than you thought possible. Face flushed slightly, chest rising and falling rapidly, eyes half-closed, shoulders tense and mouth ajar to try to draw in more air. He looked more handsome than usual and completely given to you. That was definitely the man of your life; that's what was resonating in your mind as the tip of Suna's cock began to rub against your cervix and make you lose your head completely, finally reaching your second orgasm that had already left your senses bewildered, considering it was only your first time.

Suna still had so much to show you, he'd be lying if he said he wasn't excited by the idea of helping you figure out what you liked and didn't like about sex, but by now you were exhausted, so he ended up giving you just a few more thrusts against your walls that squeezed him deliciously before he pulled out and ended up cumming all over his own abdomen and soiling your thighs with some of his cum as well. You staggered to the side and he quickly helped you lie down on the bed as comfortably as possible, for a few seconds neither of you said anything, your boyfriend wanted you to first get your breath completely back.

— Did I hurt you? — He leaned on your shoulders and looked at you intently. — It was... — You interrupted him with a quick little kiss and smiled fondly.

— It was wonderful, I swear. It was better than I thought it would be, in fact, I thought it would hurt more. — It was hard to see Suna's cheeks flush, and this moment will go down in your memory as one of the few times your boyfriend was embarrassed. — I love you, you're perfect for me.

And after the two of you spent long seconds lying in bed exchanging kisses and caresses, Suna induced you to go take a shower with him to clean yourself and then "you both could do whatever you wanted for the rest of the day", because, he said during the shower:, aftercare was important, especially for "his princess”.

[johnsamericano]

𝔖𝔲𝔤𝔞𝔯 ℜ𝔲𝔰𝔥 𝔧.𝔧.𝔥 •3•

I hope this ain't getting shitty. Thank you for reading, sexy people. Send me a message or an ask if you'd like to be added to the tag list.

warnings: hungover jaehyun, age gap, hospitals, nothing too extreme.

sugar rush m.list.

taglist: @thoreeo @trustmahluv @sunny-nyu @nanascupid @silent-potato @painted-hills

~

Yoonoh woke up on a strange bed, the mattress stiffer than the one he had back home. He refused to open his eyes, fearing that the daylight would worsen his headache.

Yoonoh woke up on a strange bed, the mattress stiffer than the one he had back home. He refused to open his eyes, fearing that the daylight would worsen his headache.

“Wake up, sunshine.” He groaned, all the memories from the past night hitting him like a truck. “Come on, I made breakfast.”

His eyelids finally fluttered open, frown softening at the sight of you in a messy bun and your cute pajamas.

“How come you look so fresh?” The dark circles under his eyes had deepened in the span of a few hours. Thank God he didn't have to work that day.

“I always look fresh.” You seemed to be more comfortable around him. Perhaps it was because you had to tuck him in last night. “Up.”

You tugged both of his limp hands, forcing him to sit up.

“What did you cook? It smells nice.” He scrunched up his nose like a little kid.

“Eggs, bacon, and hash browns.” Fast as lightning, he got up from bed. On his way to the kitchen, he noticed the blanket hanging from the edge of your sofa. Disappointment pinched his heart.

“Why didn't you sleep with me? You would've been more comfortable.”

You set two plates on the small table, pulling the pan out of the stove to serve them.

“You spread yourself all over the bed as soon as I laid you down.” You lied successfully. You didn’t have the heart to tell him you weren’t that comfortable yet.

You let the pan down on the kitchen counter, taking a seat in front of him.

“Do you still want to visit my father?” Sparkling orbs stared at him timidly, fearing his answer would be negative.

“I mean…” You hummed, trying not to give it as much importance. “I do want to go!” He quickly corrected himself, frantically shaking his hands. “It’s just that I don't want to meet your father like this.” He pointed at his bed hair, which had only become messier since he woke up.

“You’re acting like he's gonna see you.” There was a slight bitterness in your tone, along with a fake grin.

“Alright, let's do this instead...” Yoonoh sat up straight, clearing his throat as if he were about to give a speech. “We’ll have breakfast, you'll shower quickly, and then we’ll drive to my house so I can fix myself. How does that sound?”

“So I'm finally gonna see your mansion? How exciting.” You kicked his leg teasingly under the table, his cheeks inevitably dipping as he tried to suppress a smile. “I bet you have some peacocks in your backyard.”

“And there's also a dolphin in my pool.” He let out a hearty laugh, extending his arm over the table to grab your hand.

His house was most definitely not what you expected.

It was about the size of the one you grew up in, the decoration inside minimalistic. There were no expensive paintings framed with pure gold, only pictures of him and his family. There was a small backyard you could access through the French door in the kitchen. Half of it was occupied by a greenhouse.

“I had to donate the peacocks to the zoo.” He whispered as you looked through the glass door, squeezing your shoulders with his slim fingers.

“What a shame.” Hesitantly, he wrapped both of his limbs around your torso, letting his chin rest stop of your head. Your heartbeat was thumping loudly against your chest. Yoonoh surely felt it but decided not to comment on it.

“There’s a Tv in my room in case you want to watch something while I shower.” A hint of mischief adorned his honey-like voice. “Or you can come in and watch me instead.”

“Stop!” Your elbow connected with his ribs out of pure panic, making him bend in pain with his hands covering the injured spot.

“It was a joke...” He whispered, teeth gritting together.

I made him mad, you thought. Should you escape or face the consequences of his anger? All thoughts erased from your mind as he grabbed your calves, lifting you over his shoulder.

“Put me down!” You hit his back with closed fists, unable to see the expression on his face. “Yoonoh!”

He went up the stairs, proceeding to enter his room and throw you on his bed. Thousands of dirty scenarios crossed your mind before he threw himself on top of you, crushing your bones under his muscular body.

“My...ribs...”

“Oh, sorry, what is that?” To make matters worse, his fingers tickled your sides, provoking a fit of desperate giggles to escape your mouth. “I’m not hearing an apology.”

“Sorry! Sorry!” His hands finally stopped, giving you time to breathe. Nonetheless, he remained laid on your chest, using his forearms to lift his weight. “Aren’t you gonna shower?”

“I like you.”

The confession was so sudden, so raw it took you some time to finally react. But you had no words to give him an answer, instead, you combed your fingers through his long hair, massaging his scalp while waiting for him to speak up again.

“I never thought I'd be feeling more than friendly affection for you. Our agreement doesn't include love, after all. But I've started feeling like a teenager all over again. I can't help but get excited whenever you call me. Do you know how sweet your voice sounds through the phone?” He sighed, discouraged at your lack of response. “I guess you're not there yet.”

Instead of verbally answering, you planted a sweet kiss on his head, right where small, grey hairs had started growing.

“I’m not good with words.”

“That’s alright.” He snuck his hands under your back, holding you tightly as a sudden need to nurture you took over him. The mature image he had of you faded in less than a second, leaving behind a young, troubled woman. “I’ll shower quickly so we can go see your pops. I bet we’ll get along just fine, maybe even go golfing when he wakes up.”

“I forgot you're almost the same age. Creepy.” He smiled, though uneasiness started steering in his guts.

“Does that bother you?” He asked without giving it a second thought.

“I don't know yet.”

(...)

The man with high cheekbones and bruised skin laid limp on the hospital bed. Yoonoh had been working on his case for about a month, yet, it only started feeling real the moment he entered the room.

“This is my dad.” All emotions had escaped your eyes as if your soul wasn't there anymore. Only an empty shell.

“You look so much like him.” he was afraid touching you wouldn't be the right thing to do, so instead, he said: “He seems like a suitable golf buddy.”

Tension finally loosened its grip around his body as you snorted, pigment returning to your cheeks. Finally, he wrapped his hand around yours.

“He will wake up, y/n.”

“He’s taking his sweet time.” You glanced back at the laying figure, skinnier with every day he spent asleep. “I want someone to pay for taking away the last person that loved me.”

The last person that loved you. Would Yoonoh be able to fill that spot? Not yet, probably. He couldn't modify the depth of his feelings, but he could surely give you the vengeance you longed.

“Do you trust me?” With your eyes still glued to your father, you nodded. “Then I can assure you we’ll win the case.”

“I know we will.”

He sat silently with you, holding your hand without saying a word. The smell of alcohol and the beeping noise of machines made him nauseous. He hated hospitals. You noticed the change in his demeanor, his hand becoming cold while holding yours with strength.

“Do you wanna go?”

“No!” He smiled through the pain, scooting his chair closer to lay your hand on his lap.

He wouldn't agree to get his ass off the plastic chair. You had to tell him you were hungry for him to finally stand up, still clutching your hand like your father did when you were still a kid. His parental behavior caused several emotions to stir inside your guts, so mixed up you couldn't quite put a finger on any of them.

“What do you want to eat?” The tension finally left his body once out of the building.

“Soup.” You smiled while swiping your thumb on top of his knuckles. “I know a place, but to be honest, it isn't good. So we can go to the store and get the ingredients to- but you can't cook.”

“I’m up for a cooking lesson if you are.” He wanted to see your pretty smile again. Maybe making a fool of himself would help. “Let’s hit the road.”

“Wow, so cool.”

“I know.”

(...)

“Can you grab that can of chicken broth?” You pointed at the high shelf, letting go of Yoonoh’s hand to allow him to move freely

“I have a better idea.” He dragged you by the arm so you were standing in front of him, trapped between his body and the shelf. “I’ll lift you so you can reach it.” Matching his words, his hands grasped your waist, ready to carry you.

“Stop!” You slapped his hands repeatedly between giggles. Ignoring your complaints, he started lifting you. “Yoonoh!”

“Yoonoh?” A feminine voice had him placing you back on your feet in less than a second.

“Seryeong, I didn't expect to see you here.” His hands remained seated on the curve of your waist.

“Neither did I. I was surprised when Sungchan told me you'd left early yesterday.” She seemed a bit older than you but still younger than the man behind you.

“I had some matters to take care of.” She eyed you from head to toes with a smug grin plastered on her lips. Just by the look of her clothes, you could tell she was as wealthy as Yoonoh. You feared the scene would turn into a tv worthy drama.

“I’ll go get the chicken breast.” You tried escaping his grip, only to be pulled closer to his warmth.

“No need to. It's already inside the cart.”

Why am I so dumb?

“Does your father know about your little girlfriend?” She asked without hesitation.

“I guess.”

“And why didn't he tell me anything?” She cocked an eyebrow, his hands finally loosening around your body and allowing you to move from your position.

“Look, this is something you should talk about with him. Now, if you excuse us...” With a hand on your shoulder, he began pushing the cart to the next aisle, the chicken broth long forgotten.

“Is this some kind of arranged marriage situation?”

“Something like that.” His hands were tense while holding the cart, knuckles turning white from the strength used. “Before you start asking, I'm not really in the mood and I don't want to direct my bad mood toward you. Let's talk about something else, alright?”

Who was that woman that had the power to turn him into a literal raging ball of fire with just a few words?

[misschifuyu]

To choose a lover

requested here

characters: ran haitani + rindou haitani

genre: fluff

warnings: none

Giggles and whispering comments were passed around, giddiness present in the voices that spoke out just a few metres away from you.

As much as you tried to focus on the tiresome work that was splayed out on the piece of paper before you, it was completely futile to drown the girls out.

It didn't take a genius to know what they were talking about. The school you were all under had the privilege - if one could even consider it as such - to hold two infamous students.

The Haitani brothers.

Whilst the eldest was in his final year, the younger still had another year under this roof until he followed in his brother's footsteps.

But there was really nothing to dislike about going to class when one had a literal fan group who's main topic was always them.

There were girls who preferred Ran, with his signature braids that they always wished they could undo for him; and others that would always fawn over Rindou's cocky ways and stubbornness, trying to catch his attention wherever he went.

The current conversation, however, wasn't just fixed on talking about their aspects.

Far from it. Sending each other questionable looks and making fun of those on the other side of the opinion, they were discussing who, out of the two brothers, was better.

Those on Ran's side had the advantage of saying that he was older, therefore more responsible and willing to take care of anyone.

Sure.

He would make the perfect husband, some were proclaiming. But...the youngest would always want to show that he is the strongest, the more dependable one, as a result of the inferiority that had always hung with him since they were young.

It wasn't that he was, he just hadn't pushed himself to be known as much as his brother had done all those years back.

Needless to say, it was an argument that would never see an end. At least not until the two left the school behind and continued up to wherever the future would take them.

It was amusing, from your point of view, to hear all of these discussions. For years now you had known the two, as close friends who had grown up on the same street, so you knew everything that there was to them, right down to what they actually did when they said they were studying.

Definitely something that the girls would be pushed back by if they ever found out.

But, if it really came down to it, you probably wouldn't be able to pick one out of the pack that they came in, either.

They both had their merits and faults, and, truth be told, neither of the two were that much of a pleasure to be around with, as much as their fans would beg to differ.

One thing was for sure, though. It had come into the light when the three of you had been hanging out one afternoon, without much else to do.

You had asked the youngest about what he thought about his notorious lower level when it came to comparing him with his brother.

It had simply been a spur of the moment, and you hadn't expected him to actually give a sorrowful response.

He was well aware that he was viewed as the weaker brother of the two, and as much as he'd try to prove otherwise, it had always been something that would eat away at him.

Naturally, both you and Ran had jumped to convince him that he was far from a weak person.

The fact that he was viewed as such meant nothing at all when it came down to the reality of what he was, and that there was no point in even listening to those ignorant - and frankly, irrelevant - opinions about himself.

At the end of the day, although you would never openly admit it near the oblivious fangirls, you held a considerable amount of affection towards the two of them.

Of course, they had their odd moments in which you only wished to hit them around the head with Ran's metal bar; but, all in all, they would always be your childhood friends.

So choosing between them was simply out of the question.

Both of them held an equal importance to you, so when a peculiar feeling started growing for one of them, you quickly averted it so it would be felt for the two, whatever it were to be.

They were two peas in a pod, and you weren't about to change this because of a measly crush.

However, the thought would only bug you more whenever you were all together. Such as the current situation, sat right between the two of them on the comfort of their couch.

Before even coming over, you had mentally ordered yourself to disregard the ridiculous thoughts that had flooded your mind.

The girls back at school hadn't help with the problem one bit, if anything they worsened the conflictive feelings; and now you were to spend the afternoon with the two.

One could only think that all odds were against them in such situations.

Head resting on Ran's shoulder, legs atop Rindou's, your eyes were fixed onto the screen before you. The reasoning behind spending the afternoon together was the airing of your favourite show.

However, you were now racking your brains over what you were supposed to do after the series ended. Watching a movie was the prime option, but you figured they would want to move from the couch and do something else.

And the two were very talkative, so you would have to, inevitably, push everything in your mind aside to prevent from even giving the smallest hint surrounding your thoughts.

Your stiffness didn't go unnoticed, and, soon enough, you felt a hand on your leg, startling you in an instant.

"What the hell is up with you today, Y/N?"

Rindou had lost all attention for what was playing on the screen, and it looked to be as though he had for a bit now. This meant he had felt your change of attitude well before he had actually asked about it.

"What? No, nothing...why?"

Knitting his eyebrows together, the blond looked over at you with a disbelieving stare. By now, you were sure Ran had shifted his interest towards the two of you.

"You've been all skittish since you got here. You got something important on your mind or what?"

Geez.

"No...I've just been thinking about something stupid, that's all. Don't worry about it, now let me watch th-"

"That being?"

Now you were cornered. From behind you, having turned to look at Rindou, a voice spoke out the question. In slight panic, you managed to come up with another way around it.

"Well...that, let's say, if I had to choose one out of the two of you, I wouldn't know who I'd pick. It's a silly question one of my friends asked today, that's all"

God bless the fan girls. You were sure to never judge them internally again, because they might have just saved your skin in the nick of time.

Your nerves calmed down as you heard Rindou chuckle at the concern, and you figured he'd just brush it off as another one of your peculiar inquiries.

However, as he fully turned towards you, it was clear that he wasn't about to let this go unfazed.

"Well, you can't just leave us like that without an answer. Go on then, if it was a life or death situation, who would it be?"

"Rindou...you know I'd get rid of both of you if I could"

You all laughed at your words, stirring the conversation into an area that you were certain you could get a hold of.

Each one of you was just as ridiculous as the next one, so it wasn't hard to divert difficult topics.

If only the youngest wasn't so damn pushy.

"On a real note, there's gotta be one of us that you like just a little more, Y/N"

Upon knowing that perhaps you had driven yourself into a dead end, you started to fumble with your fingers.

What the hell were you supposed to say? If you picked one, the other was surely to get the wrong idea.

"Um..."

A slight shift behind you made you turn your head, catching Ran just a little too close for comfort to your face. Great, just what you needed.

After a few, nerve racking, seconds in silence, it was the eldest of the two that decided to break the ice. You were all just wasting time there, after all.

"Listen...since my brother seems incapable of forming a decent sentence, what we've been trying to get at is which one you'd choose, because we've both liked you for some time now and we kinda need to know who you'd go out with"

Well.

Certainly an unexpected turn to your seemingly uneventful afternoon. It appeared that you weren't the only one struggling with the damned feeling that was a crush, but you hadn't gambled that it would be both of them...and for the same person.

You couldn't choose.

In the same way that you had to waver the feeling of more than just friendship between the two of them, there was no way you could pick one now.

It would be unfair for the other, especially since you would only be lying to yourself for saying that you felt nothing for the half that was left aside.

There was only one way out of this, unless you wanted to shatter the relationship you had built between them for the past years.

"I...both of you. I can't leave one of you out when I, well, like both of you"

A huge weight was lifted from your body the moment the brothers exchanged a look, followed by an agreeing nod. Far from the catastrophe you had gambled with, that much was sure.

As Ran leaned his head on your shoulder, Rindou gave you a bright smile, one that not everyone had the chance to say that they've seen.

"Wasn't so hard to say, now was it?"

No. What was going to be hard was having not one Haitani by your side, but two, as a partner. Sure enough, you were really going to know what their poor mother had to put up with now.

[sherereadssthemanuscript]

Hotshot (Clarice x Jason)

Pairing: Clarice Stokes x Jason Kolchek (The Dark Pictures Anthology: House of Ashes)

Words: 5251

Warnings: Swearing, slight NSFW, mentions of body horror, slight OOC

A/N 1: Content for my crack ship? Fine I'll do it myself. Lol it's been months since I've written anything and YEARS since I've written anything and posted it on Tumblr so hopefully I'm not too rusty.

A/N 2: Set in an AU where the team spends a week at the base before the raid because it's bullshit that they didn't get time to bond. Also an AU where Clarice doesn't die because her death being inevitable was also complete bullshit!! But I do love that then flirting in the game is pretty much canon I feel validated yee yee.

~~~~~~~

Thousands of feet above ground, Doctor Clarice Stokes quietly pondered on how she ended up here, how years upon years of her tireless work led to assisting on a mission in a country which saw devastating amounts of active warfare mere weeks ago. 

She tried not to dwell on it much. After all, when Eric King asks for your assistance and involvement, you curtsey and comply. Having known the man for years - she learned the hard way. 

Clarice hated violence, therefore wasn't a huge fan of war, but then again, who was? She was more of a lover than a fighter. 

Well, a lover isn't exactly how she'd identify herself either, considering the success ratio of her dating history while knocking at 30's door but "lover" was still a far better way to describe her when compared to "fighter".

The woman looked at the helicopter seat opposite hers, where the Colonel thoughtfully gritted his teeth, a blank expression on his face. 

He always tended to do that. No wonder his jaw could sink the Titanic.

"Well someone's beaming with excitement." She said sarcastically, popping her gum, loud enough to startle him.

Eric snapped out of it, turning to his assistant.

"Just thinking about how I'm going to… explain all this to my wife." 

Clarice pouted jokingly, fixing the cap that was on her short head of hair. 

"She's a big girl, she can take it."

That seemed to force something resembling a smile out of the tense man.

"Hope you're right."

Not long after, they arrived at their destination, the base of Rachel King's team, which seemed to be right in the Iraqi leader's domain. Quite the low blow. 

Eric hurried out of the helicopter as soon as it touched the ground, it seems, while Clarice took her time collecting her stuff.

She rolled her eyes at the Colonel's urgency. Didn't even help the lady out. Rude. 

Nonetheless, she followed the man out and towards the Iraqi "castle".

Just as she approached the two men conversing at the entrance, Eric handed the soldier in front of him the order from CENTCOM about the change of command. 

Clarice smirked. "Didn't you hear? There's a new King in the Castle." She said, proud of her glorious wordplay. 

"Looks that way." The soldier said.

She put down the case of equipment and considered the man, immediately noticing his almost boyish good looks that contrasted those muscular inked arms of his.

She leaned her weight on one leg, swaying where she stood a bit. 

His attention shifted to her. 

"And you are?"

 

She was about to answer when Eric decided to scold her on how she treated the equipment.

"Careful, Clarice! That's valuable research."

"Yes Siree…" She replied mockingly, rolling her eyes as soon as he looked away.

Turning back to the soldier, she introduced herself with a sheepish smile.

"Doctor Stokes… At your service." She added warmly. 

"First Lieutenant Jason Kolchek." He greeted.

Hello there, lieutenant… she thought.

Eric looked between them momentarily.

"Well! The briefing room."

Jason nodded and threw a quick glance Clarice's way before gesturing the two of them towards the door.

Colonel King went ahead while Clarice grabbed the equipment.

"Is he always this much of a dick?" The lieutenant asked, unimpressed.

She didn't immediately realize he was talking to her but chuckled nonetheless.

"Ha! So many dick levels. This is like a two. Wait till he turns it up to eleven." Clarice commented before walking in and the man's gaze followed her as she did.

~~~

Inside, Clarice was trailing behind the two men while inspecting the lavish if not… beaten up mansion. 

"You'll have to excuse the noise and disorder. We're just getting the base set up." He put his hands on each side. "Blows my mind. Only a few weeks ago Saddam was living it up out here. Chowing down on candy bars while some… poor bastard clipped his toenails!"

Clarice raised an eyebrow at him.

"Nice image…"

"If only he could see the state of this place now. Makes me smile." He added before getting ahead.

Well, there's someone with a passion for war. Or a passionate hatred against the enemy. Same thing really. 

They moved along, running into a soldier working out on the way. 

Him and Jason exchanged a few words before the older man turned to Dr. Stokes. 

"Maybe missy here would like to watch me get my sweat on, huh? Wanna spot me, little lady?"

Clarice cringed internally, and so did everyone else in the general vicinity.

"I can see you just fine from here, thanks." 

She could have said worse. Much worse. Could have made the man wish there was a sinkhole in here somewhere. But decided against it. 

Jason turned to her with an apologetic smile.

"Ignore Corporal Merwin, he lacks social skills."

Eventually they found themselves in an office set up where, after a brief quarrel, Jason got Eric a full site access.

Ooooh, her hour was nearing, she could feel it. 

Jason held up the letter from CENTCOM.

"I'm telling you when the Queen Bitch finds out about this, she's gonna flip her shit."

Eric frowned.

"That's my wife you're talking about." He spat angrily before pushing past the lieutenant. 

Oof… Clarice thought.

"I-I had no idea, I'm sorry."

Oh he's dumb. Cute, but dumb… She noted. Urgh does that mean her whole "King" pun went over his head? What a waste.

She couldn't resist a sassy remark as she passed him, though it earned her his eye roll.

"Nice work, hotshot." 

They reached a busy hall of some sort, with a circular ceiling, ones you see in churches or mosques and as Clarice set down her equipment, she could hear Jason stutter some apology and the Colonel didn't seem to hold the rude comment about his wife against the Lieutenant. 

"If it helps, we like to think of it as a term of endearment."

She snort-laughed under her breath as she busied herself with her computer. 

A few minutes passed when Jason approached her. 

"Right. Let's get you set up." 

She eyed him and smiled.

"I hope the bandwidth can cope with the data."

Clarice could basically hear the gears turning in his head as she said that.

"I'll leave the techy stuff to you."

She turned to him, eyes stopping on his arms.

"And I'll leave the heavy lifting to you."

She flirted. 

He smiled, his dimples sinking. 

"We got a deal, lady." 

She felt a flutter in her stomach as she changed the subject.

"What is this place, anyway? Looks like an old ballroom."

Jason nodded. 

"That's exactly what it is. I guess Saddam liked to get down on the dancefloor." He joked.

Clarice chuckled, eyes on her monitor now.

"Do you think if his dance partner stepped on his foot it'd be an instant "off with her head"?" 

He laughed heartily.

"It wouldn't surprise me." 

She straightened and looked him up and down, subtly biting her lower lip.

"Maybe when we're done, I'll let you spin me around a little." She said suggestively, without much thinking, hoping a guy like him wouldn't have cold feet from a direct woman. 

Jason's eyes widened from her forwardness, but slowly a knowing smirk crept onto his face. 

"As long as you don't step on my foot." He replied playfully before leaving her side. 

Clarice stared after him before returning to her work. 

After some time, Eric held his briefing, addressing the results of his research and development of the "Caelus" thermal satellite that had supposedly discovered Saddam Hussein's chemical weapons silo. 

He also explained that CENTCOM was going to give them full authorization to raid and search the area, but the approval would take some time. A week at most. Thank God for this base, then.

Great. A week surrounded by the trouble-in-paradise duo and a whole lot of misogynistic soldiers. Fantastic. 

Well, at least Jason was there to hopefully keep her some… pleasant company. 

~~~

Hours passed and just as Clarice was getting into the flow of her work she was suddenly… Pretty much done with it.

Done with the data export, supply check, even did a head count while she was at it.

She was just sitting in the office set up from before, communicating and helping with the recon specialists scattered in the area. 

This was going to be a slow week, she could tell.

Just then, a now familiar face was passing by and decided to peek his head in. 

"Miss Stokes." Jason greeted her. 

She wanted to correct him, but decided against it, biting the tip of the pencil she was holding.

"Lieutenant."

"Jason is fine. Or Kolchek. Whatever floats your boat."

Clarice exhaled.

"Says the man who called me Miss Stokes."

He smirked. 

"I take it you prefer - Doctor Stokes." He said, flipping a chair and sitting on it backwards.

She laughed.

"That's a whole 'nother question. Clarice is just fine."

He considered her.

"So what's a girl like you doing, playing a boy's game, huh, Clarice?"

Her eyes widened at his nerve. 

"Something's telling me you wouldn't dare ask Rachel the same question." She challenged.

"Nah." Jason shook his head. "Love her or hate her, Rachel is built for this."

"What makes you think I'm not?" She asked, almost offended. 

He shrugged.

"Just don't strike me as the type, is all."

Clarice clicked her tongue.

"Let's just say… It's an excuse to see the world. And end it there."

He snorted.

"Because an Iraqi war front is such a dream destination…" 

She laughed and leaned back in her seat, boldly lifting her leg up on the table.

"Yeah, no, not exactly my ideal vacation spot." 

"What is?"

"Huh?"

"Your ideal vacation spot. What is it?"

"Dunno. Haven't really thought about it." She shrugged. "I guess ultimately anywhere is better than here."

He shrugged right back.

"The weather's nice sometimes."

Clarice groaned.

"As if. It's hot as all fuck. Speaking of…" she stood up. "Be a dear and help me get this off." She said playfully, implying the tactical vest she had on. 

Jason was baffled by her request, but complied anyway, helping with all the clamps, zippers and Velcro straps of the vest, easing it right off her slender shoulders.

He threw it over his forearm.

"Doesn't seem like something you couldn't have done by yourself."

"It isn't." Clarice confirmed. "Thanks, hotshot." 

"Don't tell me that's gonna stick."

She smiled.

"Your fate was sealed the second I got here."

Closing the distance between them to retrieve the pack of gum she stuck in one of the many pockets of the vest. 

"Got it." She whispered, popping one of the bubblegum strips in her mouth. "Want one?" 

He smiled and took a piece of it as well. 

"Sure." 

The woman blew a big bubble and popped it instantly before returning to her seat, the curves of her torso now more obvious without the bulky vest.

"And what about you?"

Jason stared at her in a trance for a second before snapping out of it.

"What? Dream vacation spot?"

"Naaah, that one's super obvious just looking at you, probably some outdoor retreat to… Wyoming or some shit." She mocked.

"Hey! Yellowstone is a great place for a trip!" He defended, only half-joking. 

She returned to her question.

"I meant what got you here."

"Whaddya think?" 

"Mmm.." She hummed thoughtfully. "You probably come from a line of soldiers. Dreamed of this all your life. Saluted the next door neighbors since you were 3." She joked. "First word was probably lieutenant."

Jason smiled sadly.

"Not even close, unfortunately."

Her eyes widened.

"Oh? So what's your story?"

The man tensed. The sudden change in his demeanor let her know he didn't want to talk about it.

"Right." She got up and went to take the vest from him. "I probably held you up here for longer than necessary. Thanks for the help with this ol' thing."

He flashed her a friendly smile, heading for the door.

"Anytime, lady."

"...Seriously?"

He pointed at her. 

"Takes two to tango."

~~~

That evening, almost everyone was escorted to small remote areas which… COULD be referred to as bedrooms. By someone who has never seen a bedroom in their life. 

There were of course legitimate bedrooms in Hussein's castle that were, of course, hogged by the higher ups. The CO, the ex-CO. The two are fucking married yet still took separate ones. Lieutenant Kolchek got a nice one as well. And Clarice couldn't really complain about her little sleeping area either. 

Freed from the military appropriate attire, Doctor Stokes remained in her undergarments as well as an undershirt and a grey button up shirt that covered her up to her thighs. 

She seemed to have jinxed the hot weather earlier because at night it was definitely a lot more chilly. She deduced that climbing under the blanket will help.

Clarice was about to call it a night when a firm and deliberate knock on the door startled her. 

"Jesus-…"

She cautiously opened the door, only slightly, who knew what some of those soldiers were capable of.

The woman relaxed when she saw the lieutenant. 

"Jason, hey."She noted the rifle in his hand. 

"Can't sleep without your lucky gun?" 

He smirked.

"Just a quick sweep of the perimeter before bed, ma'am. You doing alright?" 

Clarice opened the door wider and Jason's eyes almost immediately fled to her legs.

"Eyes up here, soldier." She teased. 

He cleared his throat.

"Sorry." He said sincerely. "Just make sure to not go out during the night."

"Why? Does Merwin sleepwalk commando?" She joked. 

Jason grimaced. 

"Thanks for putting that in my head."

"You're quite welcome."

"But, thank God, no. There's just a lot of open air areas. Who knows what the hell gets in and out at night."

"I can handle a few creepy crawlies."

"Didn't say you couldn't. Just warning ya."

She laughed.

"If anything, I'll make sure to put on my best damsel in distress performance just for you."

"Appreciate it." He joked back. 

She shifted her weight from one foot to the other, feeling the chill air hit her exposed legs. 

"Do you mind..?" 

"Of course not. G'night, Miss Stokes."

"Night, hotshot." She said before shutting the door. 

~~~ 

Hectically, 2 days passed. No one seemed to notice how. A lot of work piled on ahead of the raid, but everyone seemed to make it out of that whirlpool of work, once again enjoying a slow day. The calm before the storm, so to speak. 

Doctor Stokes hardly got to interact with anyone. Especially considering she mostly worked with earphones in. But she made sure to spare some time for a flirtatious remark or two towards the handsome soldier.

Clarice wouldn't want to lose the attention of Lieutenant Hotshot. 

She smirked to herself at the thought of the nickname as she set up the computers in the ballroom, first thing in the morning. 

Clarice searched for one of the main hard drives containing the operation info, but soon realized she couldn't find it. 

"Where the fuck-... Shit!" She hurried towards the office only to come face to face with Jason. 

"Whoa, what's the hurry, lady?"

"Not now, Kolchek, I need to find-"

Suddenly he held up the hard drive she was looking for.

"-Exactly that." She snatched it right out of his hands. "Oh, thank God, I would have been fucked with a pipe sideways if I lost this." 

He snorted.

"Didn't take you for the clumsy type."

Clarice rolled her eyes.

"Everyone was moving shit, must have fell." She complained.

"You're always welcome, ma'am." He added nonchalantly. 

She smiled reluctantly.

"Thank you."

The woman walked past him back towards the computers, shoving the earbuds back in, now deaf to the outside world. 

A minute passed. Two. Five.

And she didn't even notice that he was just standing around, leaning against a supply crate and looking at her the whole time until she turned around. 

Her eyes widened.

"Uh… Penny for your thoughts?" 

Jason just stared at her, head tilted, hands resting on either side of him on the crate. 

"Earth to Jason?" She urged.

"Are you up for that spin, lady?"

A tight knot formed in her abdomen as he said that. 

Clarice turned her back to him slowly, tucking her earphones away. 

"What spin?" She asked, pretending she didn't know what he was talking about. 

"I do recall you saying you'd let me… Spin you around when we're done." There was something less… Restrained about the tone of his voice… and she liked it. 

"Does it look like we're even remotely done?" She teased.

He got off the crate, walking towards her confidently.

"I've followed all my orders. Not doing anything of importance right now. Are you?"

She stared at him for a long moment, closing her computer and shoving the equipment on the table aside with her forearm without breaking eye contact with him.

"Not really." 

Jason flashed a confident smile. 

"Then what do you say I spin you around a little, right here, right now, Doctor." 

Clarice didn't take long to consider, despite the sudden offer. She closed the distance between them almost immediately, smashing her lips against his desperately. 

And he wasted no time in kissing back, cupping her face in his hands while he deepened the kiss.

She groaned loudly against his lips, reaching a hand up and knocking off his cap before tangling her fingers in his dark brown hair. Eliciting a surprised yet pleased noise from him as she tugged at the strands. 

Her other hand settled on the back of his neck while his hands ventured lower, impatiently grasping her thighs, ushering her to wrap her legs around him.

Which she did, got her legs around his waist with a quick jump. 

Jason carried her onto the table before shifting his attention from her lips to her jaw and neck, gently biting and sucking on the sensitive skin while she gasped and helplessly grasped his tactical vest. 

She struggled with it for a minute before pushing him away in frustration.

"Couldn't have gotten this off before you got here?" She complained.

He chuckled and tugged at the choker around her neck that was getting in the way of his kisses. 

"This thing's harder to take off than the vest."

Clarice clicked her tongue, pushing him off her entirely. 

"Get rid of that." She almost ordered, pulling the choker up and over her head. 

He smirked.

"Yes, ma'am." 

The woman set aside her accessory, watching him fumble with the vest before finally getting it off a minute or so later. 

She reached her hand out and grabbed him by the collar of his shirt, pulling him back in for another kiss. 

Jason parted her lips with his tongue, while his hands moved lower, grabbing the hem of her dark gray shirt and pulling it up and over her head. Though it was warm out, she shivered at the sudden sensation of the air against her torso as she was left only in her white sports bra.

He dipped his head and started kissing her shoulder and collarbone. 

She noticed his hands fleeing towards his pants as he hurried to undo the buttons and zipper. 

Someone's in a rush… 

Though she'd prefer to take it slower, she didn't mind his approach.

"Give me my backpack." She said, pointing at the bag beside their feet. 

He complied and Clarice started searching the smaller compartments. Not long after she found the pack of condoms that she packed. 

Jason laughed at the find.

"What an important thing to pack during a war mission, right?"

"Hey! Condoms are useful for many things."

"Like..?"

She giggled and bit her lip.

"Fucking hot lieutenants." 

Jason smiled and kissed her again, now busying himself with removing her jeans.

She moaned as he gently stroked down her lower abdomen to her pelvic area. While she impatiently reached out and pulled his shirt off. Very fond of what she saw, she ran a quick hand down his toned torso.

The man quickly yanked her sports bra up, making the fabric bunch up just below her collarbone before pressing himself against her again, exposed chest to chest. 

He pulled her short strands of black hair, attacking her neck with his tongue again. 

Clarice clawed gently at his back, getting quite impatient as well. 

"Fuck-... Jason…" 

Both of their trousers now bunched up around their thighs, Jason pulled her lower half closer towards him, dry humping her while his hand searched for the condoms she left on the table.

All of a sudden someone cleared their throat behind them, making both of them jump. 

Rachel stood by the entrance angrily, staring off to the side, to avoid looking at them, a file in her hand. 

"Shit…" Jason whispered, getting off Clarice and pulling his pants up.

The Doctor's face burned a bright red as she got off the table, covering herself with her shirt. 

"Doctor Stokes, before you proceed with screwing my lieutenant, could you please type this file out, Eric needs a digital copy."

Rachel requested, still avoiding looking at them.

"O-of course." She mumbled, taking the file from the woman who turned and stomped out of the ballroom immediately.

"F-fuck…" Clarice cursed under her breath, mortified after the encounter.

"Clarice, I'm sorr-"

"No! No I'm sorry, this was absolutely out of line. We shouldn't have." She admitted.

He cleared his throat, disappointed. 

"I-"

She threw her shirt on and gathered her stuff, deciding to work elsewhere. 

"If you'll excuse me, lieutenant."

~~~

Within the next few days Clarice couldn't quite shake off the embarrassment of being busted with Jason by Rachel. Her only hope was the abrasive woman didn't immediately gossip with Eric about it, surely she'd lose all of his respect. 

Furthermore, she couldn't even look the lieutenant in the eye after that. 

Fuck, she didn't remember the last time she was so embarrassed, she wasn't the shyest person on earth but that was just… awful.

But as her embarrassment faltered, her frustration of the sexual kind resurfaced again. 

But with it being the night before the raid, she shook off all desires to have sex with the man. 

After all, they might not see each other ever again after that, might as well bury the embarrassment with her. 

She basically barricaded herself in her quarters after dark, the sooner she calls it a night, the sooner they'll raid the silo, the sooner she'll get back home. 

That's it.

That was basically the plan when she laid down… But she couldn't sleep.

"Goddammit…" She whispered to herself.

She laid restlessly for some time when she heard slow footsteps just outside her door.

In the back of her mind she knew exactly who it was, so without thinking she rushed to open the door, before the visitor could even knock.

Just as she suspected, she came face to face with Jason.

"Hey…" He greeted her cautiously.

Clarice sighed.

"Hey yourself."

They stared at each other for a while before Jason dared to break the silence.

"Look, I-"

But before he could say much, Clarice yanked him into the room by his shirt, crashing her lips against his while he made sure to close the door after them.

Both of them realized this could be their last opportunity to sleep together and there wasn't much to lose. They both wanted it. So why fight it? 

And it didn't take long for them to ditch the effort to be quiet, the occasional pleasured moan ringing out in the corridors of the Iraqi castle. 

~~~

The next morning, just before the raid, there was a certain bounce in Clarice's step. 

She was energetically helping gather equipment when she eavesdropped on Merwin's sleazy conversation.

"I swear I was right below them, shit was like a fucking stampede. I guess Colonel pretty boy and wife dearest were patching up their marriage last night, for good luck." 

"Nah, man, that's impossible." Nick said angrily. 

"It's okay, buddy, live in your denial." The older man said, hand on Nick's shoulder.

Clarice's eyes widened. Yeah, no, both of them were wrong.

She searched in that crowd of soldiers, locking eyes with Jason who winked at her knowingly. 

The woman laughed to herself. They better bet their asses that it was good luck. 

Suddenly Jason approached her with a friendly smile on his face.

She smiled flirtatiously.

"Morning, lieutenant."

"G'morning." He shifted uncomfortably.

"Something on your mind?" She asked in a whisper.

Jason tilted his head thoughtfully. 

"Maybe when this shit is all over we could… Grab a drink back in the ol' U. S. Of A."

"Are you asking me out, hotshot?" She asked with a smirk. 

"Depends on the answer, Miss Stokes."

Clarice considered his offer.

"Sure. I'd like that."

He seemed almost surprised that she agreed but was glad nonetheless.

"Great." 

[sunooasis]

ミ. let's fall in love? + yang jungwon

☽. pairing: jungwon x gn!reader

☽. genre: fluff, first love!au

☽. word count: 1.3k

☽. warnings: mentions of broken family(?) , a single curse

☽. song rec: the only exception - paramore

⿻. note: !reuploaded as i did changes! i apologize in advance if it turned out pretty bad (did major skips). this is also my first time writing with 1k+ words so.. : ]

the bliss flooding through every veins of yours drove your senses disturbed. it was preposterous, you think. the unwelcomed feeling suddenly engrossing you as if it never appeared to you as a hindrance which you thought otherwise makes you queasy. you've grown up in despise of risking your heart with no affirmation, with you presuming that it's uncertain.

as almost as instantly, the fear rushed in attempt to consume you once more with the memories of your broken family...years of endless fights while your silent whimpers echoed in your room, their promises slowly falling apart right in front of your home, a damaged bond trying to be fixed, and an empty heart as you grew up promising of avoiding loving someone, because you believed on how only pain will benefit you from it.

so now you're confused why, why does it got to be you stucked in this stupid game of fate? even all the advices you have tried to gather naively in the internet since you got no one to help you, didn't helped one bit and you're scared to all of this. you're scared of falling in love only to be shattered mercilessly and helplessly by it once again.

you hated the tingling sensation you're feeling right now as he embraces you tight, suffocating yet it consoles you. you hated how he noticed that you're having a hard time and so he gave you a comforting hug despite him barely knowing you. you hated that it feels warm and tender like your old favorite hibiscus tea. so why does all of it feels so right?

"i love your hug y/n, so expect me to ask you a lot of this starting tomorrow, hm?" the boy said, breaking the silence created five minutes ago as both of you are currently the only ones left inside the classroom. his voice rung to your back and it sent more confusing tingles to your body. it's been months since the bewilderment of you by this feeling started yet it's the first time making the butterflies errupt this wild. fortunately luck's with you this time as your tinted face safely hid in his shoulder.

"a-are you being serious right now jungwon?"

he pulls away from your hug. and now you feel uncomfortably cold that you wanted to immediately retreat yourself in his arms but stopped from doing so. you tried to convince yourself that you're used to winters and if not, you can always be warm without him, but why does it feels wrong?

"actually dead serious y/n" he furrowed his eyebrows jokingly with his head going up and down but still focused on you. it made you hesitantly give a thumbs up as you nod in agreement and stifle a laugh. you can't say no to him, not when your heart tells you thousands of yes.

a week swiftly flew by yet you're still unable to gather your own thoughts and feelings. all of it seems to be happening so fast and you can't still even comprehend how in just one day, your heart decided to skip a beat to your seatmate.

despite all the ways you tried to get rid of his solicitude towards yours off your mind, you just inevitably think about him all over again at the end of the day.

part of you can't deny that one whole week, where you spent all the free times you have thinking about something that you fear, and that is what if you maybe just confess what you truly feel towards him? that maybe it's better that way than be isolated by your hidden fondness for the past few suffocating months to the certain boy.

but surprisingly after days more, finally the thought pushed your what ifs flooding your mind that you got tired of overthinking it. you got tired of being ludicrous for trying to suppress it yourself.

you wouldn't want to wait anymore for it to fade since it's only getting steadfast.

4:50 pm, at the school garden. the unoccupied bench was strangely settled by you with jungwon beside yours.

the area felt far away to any chaos; it feels healing with all the blossoming wildflowers surrounding you. it made the possible outcome of your disclosure to him less unnerving. the two of you were kissed by the sun that's sinking little by little, and the breeze caressed in solace after a long day.

"i have something to tell you.." you muttered. "what is it?" asked him, turning his face to look at your side. you hated the way he's looking at you right now with his eyes glinting in curiosity like what you'll be saying could possibly be special to him. suddenly a bird landed near and chirped, watching your spot steadily as if it already witnessed hundreds of confessions made at this place.

"this will be long since i will talk about all of my gathered feelings, so i ask for your time. second, i'm sorry in advance for my fucked up emotion," a faltering chuckle escaped your lips first before you proceed and he nodded in understandment. the warmth suddenly felt too suffocating for your likings, and your throat suddenly felt irritated, yet you snubbed it and eventually let on your words.

"three months ago, my heart suddenly started beating unusually when you smiled at me....i don't know why and how. at first i didn't mind but the unusual beats only got faster day by day as i got to know you more, then the tingle in my stomach followed that i can't just ignore it anymore. i can assure you that i tried my best to stop it and i'm beyond disappointed with myself, i promised not to love anyone. i hated that idea so so much jungwon, but my heart keeps telling me to risk it for you...every night it keeps telling me that there's nothing to be afraid of loving someone, of loving you. and now i'm unimaginably pouring all my thoughts to someone i've perhaps fallen with, hoping that after this i can move on at last,"

the whole time you spoke, your gaze only could focus on the green grass tickling beneath your feet. you felt dizzy after your confession, but thankfully the air- or relief finally entered your lungs.

silence surrounded the place. you don't know what's his current state right now and you have no plans on looking at him. is he surprised? is he mad at you? is he-

"i'm thankful y/n,"

but that's when you finally face him. he's smiling at you as the dip on the side of his cheek peaked. then the tears you're holding for the past months started to run down your face and you felt suddenly weak, now entirely confused on what's happening when your own vision started to appear so hazy to even discern the moment.

he then placed both of his hand on yours. "thank you for trusting me, thank you for being brave...and thank you for loving me." he wiped your tears away before coming back to your hands, intertwining it with his and it magically fitted in perfection. "as much as i know how much you are scared right now, can i prove you first on how beautiful love is?" , "and if you're still wondering....i also felt all the tingles creeping inside me beside my heart involuntarily pounding when i'm with you."

the uneasiness you felt before was long gone and now replaced by contentment as you could only smile at the clouded memory. few years ago, you believed that love is nonexistent, a thorn behind a delicate rose, but he came and played the role as your only exception. he made you realize that the idea of love shines through the lack of vividness when it's someone made for you.

with his arms wrapped your waist and yours layed on top of his shoulders, he sways you both slowly, following the beat of the soft melody from the speaker that is filling your dimly lit apartment. your head cuddled against his chest as you find the slow beats of his heart in comfort while the faint smile of his lips pressed against your hair.

"thank you for showing me how truly beautiful love is, my jungwon."