#and i'm too unattractive no one ever approaches me

[omglaurashutup]

i don't know how to live life

[yardsards]

This is why I refuse to watch/read delicious in dungeon. The entire thing gives me fatphobic vibes.

see the premise as a whole is actually very body positive (i myself had similar worries that a story about eating "healthy" would rely on fatphobic ideas of "healthy", but was pleasantly surprised). like, its approach to "healthy" is "make sure you're eating enough of everything so that your body has enough fuel. make sure you're resting enough and not overworking." rather than "you must not eat The Bad Junk Food." (like, there's one part early on where they're like "oh, we've eaten too much vegetables and lean meat, we need to eat more fat" so they search for fatty meat and eggs. and then later they eat deep fried food and no one is ever like "oh no, this is too fattening" they're just like "wow this is great it's so crispy and tasty")

and the core message of it all is just like "your body is a part of you, and is the part of you that allows you to do things and reach your goals. don't treat it like a burden or an afterthought." and the series has had a positive impact on the way i view and treat my body

and overall, it's better than a lot of other popular anime series in terms of representing realistic and diverse body types. our two human (or "tallman" as they're called in-universe) main characters, laios and falin, are not super skinny, with no wasp waist or shrink-wrapped abs. i would not consider either of them fat in canon, but they're still fatter than your average popular anime character. certain races like dwarves and orcs are just naturally stout, and are never treated as being unhealthy or unattractive because of their weight. fatness is said to be a respected trait among adventurers, as a sign that you're good at survival and can safely recover from injuries.

however. the show has a few small things that make me raise my eyebrows. one or two iffy offhand comments (glaring at you, That One Conversation about laios's hunger near the end) that in most media i'd just be like "sighhh, normalized societal fatphobia strikes again, as expected." but for this series it's like "god damn it, i expected better from you."

and some things about how body types between fantasy races are handled leaves something to be desired for me. like yeah dwarves are all stocky, but also elves are all slender. it makes sense for the different fantasy races to have different *average* body types, but i wish we got to see more variation from those averages between individuals.

(also, i can fully understand praising laios and falin's canon body types! even medium body types are underrepresented in most media and it's good to see more of them! but calling them *fat* representation just feels inaccurate to me)

it's just like. dungeon meshi is GOOD in terms of body positivity and representation, but it's not PERFECT.

like, i love this show/manga (if you couldn't tell from the content of my blog)

mostly i voice my complaints bc like. i'm tired of tumblr getting it's hands on a piece of media that is good and generally progressive and acting like the media is *perfect*. and then proceeding to treat anyone who points out things the media could have done better as if they personally slayed your firstborn. (and then, months later, after the hype dies down, realize that some of that criticism was actually very valid, and then violently knock the piece of media down from its pedestal. and act like everyone involved in the media's creation are irredeemable scum and that anyone who still likes it should be ashamed)

so yeah, funny dungeon show good, and i strongly recommend it if you like fantasy stories and food and worldbuilding, just don't expect it to be a flawless paragon of representation and fat positivity

(also take everything i say here with a grain of salt bc i myself am thin, i just care a lot about representation in media and body acceptance and dismantling fatphobia)

[lees-chaotic-brain]

I Love Spandex (Gojo Satoru x Reader)

You are a gymnast.

Note: This is completely self-indulgent bc i'm a gymnast and I wanted to write this. Sorry not sorry??

CW: Idk fluff and like him telling you he thinks you're hot, he a horny horny man, insecurities, kind of hurt/comfort??

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While your boyfriend Gojo knew you were a gymnast, you had never invited him to one of your competitions.

You loved how powerful and confident you felt in your sparkly leotard as you flipped and spun around the equipment. However, you were the slightest bit insecure.

Without a single soft feminine curve to speak of, you were slender, but every part of you was packed with muscle. From your rough calloused hands to your broad "man-shoulders," you felt that you resembled a man more than a woman in the way you were built.

And while Gojo saw you everyday, you were irrationally paranoid that if he saw you actually out on the equipment, and the way your muscles were made more prominent by the strain, he would become less attracted to you.

Alas, your nosy boyfriend had begged, and cajoled, and bribed you until you finally caved and allowed him to attend one of your competitions.

You had done well, winning bars and beam, and ending with a 38.5 all around. But the nerves you felt now, approaching your boyfriend, made the nerves you felt waiting to salute the judges seem insignificant.

Mustering up the courage, you walked up to him.

"Hey Sat-"

"BABE!"

His eyes lit up as he bounded towards you.

"You were amazing! Oh my god why haven't you let me come to one of these things before?!

He picked you up and spun you around before setting you down and grabbing your hand. Confused, you let him drag you along, unsure of what he was doing.

Running to the nearest person, he wrapped his arm around your waist and began to loudly brag.

"See her? This is my girlfriend. My girlfriend. And she won! My girlfriend is the BEST."

Blinking up at him, you chuckled nervously and apologized to the poor lady.

"I'm so sorry about him, I honestly had no idea he was about to do that."

"Don't worry about it."

The older lady waved it off with a smile.

"He's just excited about his girlfriend. It's cute."

Blushing, you thanked her and dragged your boyfriend off by his arm into a corner.

"Babe, I would want to do this right now if I was dating me too, but your coach is right over there-"

"You aren't embarrassed of me?"

You blurt, unable to keep your insecurities hidden anymore.

Your boyfriend blinks owlishly at you.

"Embarrassed-what baby, no of course not."

He steps closer and grabs your hands.

"Why would you even think that?!

Shyly you tried tugging your hands from his, but he wouldn't let you.

"C'mon babe, talk to me here."

You averted your gaze.

"I-I don't know, you don't think that I'm unattractive?"

"WHAT?"

Your boyfriend looked at you in shock and horror.

"Why would you even think that?!"

His gaze darkened.

"Who do I need to kill?"

"No one I just, I mean look at me!"

You gestured at your body frustrated.

"What is this-"

He copied your gesture.

"Supposed to mean?"

"Don't make me spell it out!"

"No, please. Do spell it out for me. Why would you ever think I find you unattractive?"

"Satoru! Seriously! Have you never noticed that I'm built like a man? My hands are gross and calloused. I'm not delicate or curvy. I-"

"Stop."

You stop mid sentence, your mouth still open.

He sighs and pulls you into his chest.

"Babe. I wouldn't change a single thing about you. You are literally the sexiest person I have ever met. Well except for me of course."

"But my muscles and callouses-"

"Do you think my muscles and callouses make me unattractive?"

"Well no, but-"

"No buts."

You make a little sound of protest against his chest.

"Babe. Wanna know something I discovered about myself today?"

"Sure."

You mumble against his chest, starting to calm down a bit.

"I love spandex. Especially on you."

Startled you look up at him.

"What?"

"You heard me. You have no idea how unbelievably hard I was watching you earlier. Like-"

"Satoru, what?"

"Like we are going to be busy tonight."

His eyes lit up like a little kids.

"Do you think that you could wear your leotard to bed tonight?!"

"Wait, you got turned on watching me compete? You weren't like grossed out?"

"Grossed out? Sweetheart I got blue balls from watching you. The way it hugs your ass, I mean GYAT-"

"Satoru!"

You smack his arm laughing.

"Alright. You've convinced me."

Wrapping your arms around his neck, you give him a quick kiss.

"Thanks for making me feel better."

"Of course babe."

He looks at you mischieviously.

"You can make it up to me tonight. In your leotard."

That's all! Thanks for reading! I'm taking requests rn so if anyone has any lmk!

[larcenywrites]

I'm obsessed with Tony using pet names so could you write like headcanons or something about the pet names he uses with his girl (maybe what pet names he makes up too) and like what pet names he loves being called? Doesn't matter if it's young Tony or regular Tony (or both hahah) whatever you prefer is great! Thank youuu

Absolutely!! I hc that there’s lot of pet names being thrown around, and they all have their different uses 😘 Gah, you know I can’t keep it to one when they both have my entire heart ♥️

Headcanons | Pet Names

Warnings: 18+ | a few explicit sexual references/scenes, and are mostly afab reader implied | a few she/her/feminine pet names used |

young!Tony Stark

💠He's probably not too keen on nicknames at first, and it definitely won't come naturally 💔

💠After all, you just calling his name is enough to flutter his heart, so why mess with it? Surely you feel the same, what with the way you always look over at him

💠If there are any pet names thrown around, it's the typical babe or baby, which isn't inherently bad or unattractive! You get just as hot and bothered when he's whispering "hold on, baby" in your ear, and give in just as much when he drags out the a in "babe" and pouts into your neck.

💠But it's not long before you start to venture out first...

💠DO NOT call him by his full name/real name! Not only does he not like it, but he will freeze and assume he's done something wrong :( Or maybe he did and that's why you said it, but even so, he doesn't really want to associate any of that anxiety with you 

💠What he can definitely get used to is "love". It's a gentle approach when he's upset. A soft but concerned 'hey, love' or 'what's wrong, love' will really help soothe him, and help coax out whatever is wrong with him ❤️

💠If you speak another language, especially if it's your native, literally just say anything that sounds pretty. It could be the word apple- not like he'll know anyway! Say it sweet enough and he'll get all blushy and melt against you ❤ Though, he does know a little bit of Spanish and French, so you can't get away with quite as much there, but hey! It might encourage him to come up with his own pet name for you from one of those two, especially if they aren't the languages you speak!

💠Coming up with pet names that stem from a person's used name is hard, especially when it's so short 🤔 But at some point, you'll get the grand idea of calling him "Tone" or "Tones"

💠He… does not like it. But you seem to have fun saying it… so he'll allow it. It'll grow on him after awhile, in a sort of annoying but endearing way. It's playful and cheery, and he responds to it regardless, soooo have fun with it 😘

💠He might not really follow your lead for a while, but rest assured it's because he's trying to figure a few out, and also waiting for the right time and place to just- casually say it? It's just a bit new and unnatural to him, and he doesn't want to sound silly, ya know? Or worse, accidentally call you something you don't like :( But even if you don't like it or it's something triggering, don't hold it against him! He didn't know and he's trying!

💠If any of those new pet names ever do find their way out, it'll most likely be a heat-of-the-moment sort of deal 😉

💠He's in the middle of eating you out when he first lets it slip. You're already soaked and about to cum on his tongue for a second time, pulling his hair and mewling his name. He can hardly stand it! Painfully hard in his jeans and moaning with you. "Cum for me, princess," he practically growls against you, his voice deep with a new kind of authority. You were already on the edge, but the feral affection drove you wild. He barely registers what he said, but he knows to do it again because you're trying to drag him closer and gasping for air while you cum so sweetly on his tongue.

💠Safe to say he doesn't need to be embarrassed about that one 😏 It's absolutely an affectionate term. He thinks it's special and cute, just like you! You are his princess and he treats you like one, even when he has you trembling and a panting mess! And he can't pretend that it doesn't give him some sort of power over you, it may even become the gateway to you calling him daddy 😘 

💠He'll learn to start teasing you with it. He may have you pulled close, a hand rubbing tantalizingly slow between your legs and smirking at your pleading moan into his neck. "What is it, princess?" He tries to ask it innocently, but the smugness in his voice gives him away.

💠It'll rarely be used outside of the bedroom and sexual situations, but he may slip it into a greeting (probably on accident). "There's my princess," he'll say with a smile when you jump on him with a hug, or he'll coo a "hey, princess" when you wrap your arms around his neck from behind and plant kisses in his hair.

💠And speaking of greetings, he may fall into the habit of using my girl ❤️ It's simple but effective because, well, that's what you are!

💠If your name can easily be shortened into a cute but recognizable nickname, he'll pick up on it. Actually, if the first letter of your name "ends" with the ee sound (such as B, D, C, etc.), he'll really latch onto it! It'll be how he beckons you from another room, or an affectionate whimper in your ear when he's close. At one point, he never thought he'd use anything other than your real name tbh, but now your real name is probably reserved for more serious moments, or used outside of privacy. Not always, though! He may say it instead of your usual nickname just because he still likes to hear it :) If you're in a bad mood or something's wrong, he'll so gently say that pet name and curl around you, and if he's in a bad mood you'll know it's not because of you when he pouts it and curls into you ❤️‍🩹

Tony Stark

💠Right off the bat, he's only using your real name in social situations, but it won't necessarily be any "personal" or particularly, uh, "affectionate" names, so to speak.

💠It's probably in a triumphant asshole sort of way, how comfortable he is calling you "babe" or "baby". So confident, in fact, that even when you're mad at him, he's de-escalating the situation with a nonchalant babe. and taking your hands in his. It's probably both endearing and irritating, and might even escalate the situation instead.

💠When he gets a little more comfortable, it'll still be the same thing, except now he's dragging out the a and pouting it into your neck until you give in to whatever he's pleading about 🙄

💠But it gets you comfortable with calling him babe or baby right back, and he gets just as smug hearing from you.

💠But when he's actually comfortable, and absolutely in love with you, he'll start branching out a lot more!

💠"Honey" will be a popular one! To get your attention before he asks you a (possibly loaded) question, or when he's brushing off one of your own loaded questions. With gentle affection when you're upset, and when he's trying to get your attention to make sure you're still okay when you're tied up and trembling 😌 It's a very homey and domestic pet name, and just as sweet as you!

💠"Dear" is sarcastic 😒 and may earn him a playful slap when he answers you with that annoying "yes, dear." Sometimes he just wants to get you a little irritated at him, and sometimes he just can't help his passive-aggressive sarcasm!

💠Occasionally, he may playfully call you love or lovely 🥰 Even an occasional "love of my life," but that's probably when he's drunk and/or in trouble ❤️‍🩹 Call him love or my love right back, and he'll look at you with that goofy grin and snuggle into you!

💠This man knows a few languages, fairly fluent in one or two, and/or is at least in the middle of learning one. He may jokingly call you a new term of endearment he's learned, but if you like it, he'll actually keep it! Bonus: he might just straight up start whispering in that same language about everything he's going to do to you in your ear while a hand sneaks between your legs 😏 Of course, you might not know what he's saying aside from melting at that one word you've heard him call you every so often, but it's incredibly hot nonetheless!

💠If your native language isn't English, don't be afraid to try out a few of your own terms of endearment on him! Especially if it's not a language he knows! Of course he'll figure out what it is very soon, so you can't get away with random words that just sound pretty unless you're trying to be silly (or maybe even passive-aggressive)! Plus, he'll definitely pick up on whatever word you choose, and/or pick another one out to call you! And, in this case, it probably won't be long before he can have basic conversation with you, too 💛

💠He's probably not very keen on trying to come up with a name that stems from your used name unless it's something he can easily shorten, but even then, he kinda just likes and prefers to say your name if that's the case! 

💠He's also not very keen on you trying to do that with his name. He likes hearing his name on your lips! He's more receptive to that playful chime of "Tone" or "Tones" than his younger self, but it's probably not something that'll be used often. Honestly, if you want something for an occasional sweet and playful pet name, just combine his name with other pet names! Tony-love and Tony-dear will actually become some of his favorites!

💠"What is it, babygirl?" He'll ask you so innocently when you sob his name, with a playful nip at your thigh to give your abused clit.. He'll say it smooth and low into your ear as part of his command for you to cum, or might use your real name if he's just as in the moment. Occasionally he may use bunny in the place of baby or babygirl, but it's probably mocking or sarcastic more often than not!

💠It still comes from a place of affection, but when he's really riled up, you're every type of slut he can think of! His good little slut when you always take his cock so well, or when he doesn't even need to ask you to suck him off. If you've made him a little mad, then he's probably made you beg for his cock or even his cum 😮‍💨 In this case, you're his cockslut while he's already pounding into you, or mockingly calling you his cumslut when he's made you plead for it. It's going to be a snarl through bared teeth, said lowly right at your ear.

💠So you can probably guess that any names from you are probably along the lines of Daddy and Sir. Not exactly pet names, so to speak, but names regardless!

💠The only affectionate pet name you may be calling him in these situations will be "pretty boy." Typically when he's subbing. You can use it outside of the bedroom if you want to tease him and let him know you're in the mood 😉 It really gets him off, and the softer you say it, the blushier he'll get, especially when you rest a hand on his cheek and run your other through his hair, maybe sit on his lap. You can reduce him to a mess in seconds 😌 Sometimes you can get away with the occasional slut, but it really won't have the same effect on him.

💠Speaking of pretty boy, and combining names from earlier, you may get the silly idea of calling him Tony-boy. It absolutely annoys the hell out of him, and you are absolutely being a pest when you use it. It's like a funny joke every once in a while, but definitely don't let it overstay its welcome!

💠And speaking of names he doesn't like, don't say his full name 😔 Still hates it just as much, and while you may get, ahem, "rewarded" even when you call him one of those annoying names, he'll make sure you have no incentive to keep on with that one! Even if you like to see him irritated and suffering, he'll just flat-out ignore you (which, in turn, might cause him to accidentally ignore it in any government situations where his full name is accidentally used 😅)

[fumblingmusings]

does Evelyn or any of your female characters ever struggle with their appearance? especially with the ever-changing beauty standards, "ideal weight", etc.

Ohhhh! That's such a good question! I never really thought about it before, but you are right! See I'm the loser who's like 'everyone is beautiful in their own way~' which I know can be distinctively unhelpful at times in the real world...

But it's interesting for nations, because I love discussions about if they are actually beautiful, or if some genuinely are butt ugly (but in what way if you catch my drift, because then it risks crossing over into tying moral purity with beauty, which is such a lazy trope and a dangerous one too I think). There will also be instances of those with chronic illnesses or injuries which will affect their opinion of themselves, and society's view of them too. I think gender again comes in here. Especially in nations, where female nations are rarer. Gender and beauty standards are sort of inextricably entangled.

I think most nations are, at the very least, interesting to look at. If such a thing is possible without leering like a creep. Plus, as you say, with the changing attitudes to beauty, someone like a female England would be considered somewhat unattractive for most of her history, except for certain periods like the late Victorian/early Edwardian, the 20s (minus the bob), the 60s (mod fashion) and 90s (the horridly names heroin chic comes to mind).

It's tricky though, right? Are they so old that human standards no longer affect them? Or are they so painfully human in this regard where the need to be physically attractive is still something they want? To be wanted? Or is that too vulnerable? Maybe it's more pragmatic, that to be considered beautiful allows them to buy into Beauty = Goodness and therefore give them some kind of leverage since, as female nations, they will lack political power that most of their male counterparts have without a second thought etc etc...

The trap of a misogynistic and patriarchal system is you either play by the rules (and get punished for it), or you reject the rules and go your own path... and get punished for it. So the girls cannot win. I can imagine they all, after so long start to develop really twisted views of their own bodies.

To run through each girl, New Zealand's is twisted up in colonial white understandings of beauty which is juxtaposed with the Māori, so then how do you marry those two up? Should she? Then in South East Asia I can imagine Vietnam worked super hard at this. To train herself out of worrying about the tone of her skin, and how her hair should behave, or if she has too many muscles and isn't 'soft' enough. She will rock up in a t-shirt and shorts, and that's enough. She's more than enough. Moving further north, Taiwan elects to go with being cute over being beautiful because those are parameters that she can control. Cute could be considered a female driven standard. I may be mis-remembering, but there's several trends in East Asian fashion (the Japanese Lolita comes to mind) which are born around being as visually unappealing to men, but as visually appealing to women as possible. I think Taiwan may take that approach.

Zipping over to Europe...

The fact the Belgium is literally described as being plain by Hima (which... okay) means to me she that, if she doesn't stand out against a crowd, she learned how to be the centre of attention through her personality and charm. She dresses practically and plainly maybe because she is not interested in being the centre of attention. She believes her personality and her relations will carry her through. Czechia slams right into tomboyishness, perhaps thinking of how she is surrounded by boys, ergo, she has to be one of the boys to get through it. And maybe she's totally fine with that? Maybe her gender and perception of self is really fluid and she is whatever she fancies being at that moment. But not to the point where being called cute by Slovakia doesn't completely throws her for a loop still. Though that may be just from never being on the receiving end of a compliment rather than it jarring with her presentation and perception of self... could be both?

And of course Hungary has her own gender and self perception journey and I can imagine she had a wild time of it when the realisation of what was going on actually hit. I don't know what I think a cis character realising they're cis and being totally fine about it at the end of the day would look like but... well that's Hungary. She seems very content with herself. I like to think it was not just a simple conversation and all is well. I like to think there was a lot of conversations and thinking and testing the waters until she got where she is today.

For a long time, the European standard was high forehead, long neck, small shoulders, small waist but noticeable stomach and hips. Pear shaped? Them birthing hips. Then, in addition, the 'usual' for Western Northern Europe (which is still in effect in many places) is blonde hair, blue eyes, and pale skin. Red hair is bad, freckles are bad. All the Atlantic Archipelago nations have freckles. But I think maybe say Ireland gets the body shape but England gets the colouration (until she starts to turn grey - English Roses require pink noses cheeks and ears and she's half blue at points so...) but neither sister checks each box in turn.

Evelyn has always been small - short and skinny even in her "good" years, but she, for most of the fic, is positively skeletal. Sunken big eyes, small mouth, and a sharp nose and ears. I had a comment telling me I missed the bird comparisons (Eva Avis) but yeah, she's a small robin bird. Territorial to boot. Like, Arthur has increasingly over the years been depicted as incredibly fey and scrawny. I was lazy and did the same with the female!

In the fic, Evelyn is desperate to be wanted. If she can't be a romantic partner for someone, if she can't be desired in that way, she'll take the other route, that of motherhood, which is a role that doesn't take your worth from your appearance. I didn't really talk about how she views herself - if she thinks she is pretty or beautiful or if she's ugly or if it never really crosses her mind at all - but I think maybe it's her lack of health that is what eats at her. So she sticks to what she knows. She wears beautiful dresses when she needs to because she likes beautiful things, but also restricts in what materials she goes for to prove a point to no-one except herself. Otherwise loose and comfy is what she goes for. She doesn't like people touching her hair, and she never cuts it for reasons that I have not yet decided on. She likes to wear pearls because they're a metaphor for empire in the fic and the fact that to have a pearl is to murder the creature that gave you such beauty and the reason she never wears them around Ludwig is because she can't hold leverage over him no wait

Anyway. I think maybe most nations, as time passes, as they grow slowly, as they retain wounds and scars from damage to their land and bodies... health is what becomes the most important. For most of history, flushed cheeks and ears, bright eyes, shining hair and clean teeth are signs of beauty. Health, I think matters most. Which is why when nations are struggling, especially the female ones, it can get quite difficult for them. As I said at the start, it is an easy but lazy trope to tie health with value and beauty, especially in the centuries where a person's value was determined by their usefulness, but that doesn't stop people for believing it over the millennia. You have to take a cleaver to it, separate them into distinct spheres.

[mangodestroyer]

Lately, I've been thinking about how, as I get older, I lose more and more of my desire to be in a relationship.

I mean, as a young teenager, I was never really that curious about them anyway. But I decided one day to "give it a try" and asked someone out and... oh, boy! That led to basically half the class bullying me for being "hideous" and "creepy" (I'm AFAB, btw, and I know women can be creepy, it's just that creepiness isn't normally associated with them).

So that pretty much put me off from the idea for a while. And gave me some serious insecurities about my appearance. But I figured... that was middle school? Maybe those kids were just being jerks, and I have changed a lot since then.

I actually thought for a while that I had become more attractive in my 20s. Well... I DID. Even had someone point it out without my mentioning it. I have a nice figure now, I dress better, I style my hair differently, have a better care routine, and my personality has improved.

Although I did date someone. Once. For one and a half years. The person had zero interest in actually treating this like a relationship though, never introduced me to people, became pretty rude pretty quickly, and would only complimented me for my figure.

And speaking of that figure... I notice I get catcalled a lot more now that I have one. But I still don't see anyone approach me and actually try to get to know me. Well... not unless they're leading a parade of red flags and are an actual creep.

And, idk, recently I did just try to act friendly to someone who I thought I could possibly become good friends with. One of the first things they did was tell me they weren't interested in dating me. The interaction was platonic... Later when they heard that I sometimes get catcalled, they said, "Men will **** anyone." And in general, while I was still around these people, interactions with them just seemed a little hostile. Like they kept assuming the worst possible meaning when I said things. And yeah, I do have people act rude to me in public pretty often.

So lately... I've been feeling down about this like I used to long ago. Now I'm starting to wonder if I'm ONLY appealing because of my figure. Not my face, not my personality, just my figure. Or, um, how most of my interactions with people are just them seeing what I can do for them. Or insulting me. Otherwise, people don't seem all that interested.

Even worse... I found out recently that it's a thing to go for "unattractive people" because they'll put more effort into the relationship to keep you, and you won't have to try as hard. You could just use them as a "starter." Was I a fucking starter?

So that's just it. It's about not feeling appreciated as an individual. Feeling like no one finds you interesting or likable. Or just feeling like you'll never be loved and cherished. And it's not just for relationships, but friendships as well. And unfortunately, no matter how much I try to overcome it, there always seems to be this part of me that wants close companionship. I want to feel attractive and lovable too. It's not like I have a healthy family to fall back on...

And oooohhh... how I get so jealous whenever I see someone else in a seemingly happy, loving relationship! Or if someone else is wildly successful at something in general and gets recognized by a bunch of people for it. Ugh! It burns! Like, I can sometimes get sad seeing happy relationships in fiction but can at least tell myself, "Hey, it's fiction. It's supposed to be idealistic." But then I see it irl and think, "Damnit! It can actually exist! But not for me?" Not that I ever verbalize this to people and try to tear them down. Fuck people who do that shit! But there's still the urge to roll my eyes and say, "Okay, then..."

So, yeah. That's it. I can't find happiness in my solitude and I seriously wish I could. And the older I get... the lonelier I become. I do what I can to work on my mental health, but... this kind of doesn't help. I mean... you constantly hear about how loneliness is usually deserved. "There's a reason no one talks to them/has dated them!" Except I do know shitty people who are not lonely, but am I so repulsive that I end up being the lonely one instead? Was the shittiness I dealt with deserved?

I think what makes it all so much worse is... this is the best I know I can do right now. Both for my mental health and for how I present myself as a person. This is where I'm currently at. Making this much progress was... a lot of work. And it saddens me to see that, in some ways, I am still not in a good place. And I'm trying to stay genuine to myself too. Because trying to be something I'm not was one of the worst things I ever did for myself (and actually ended up making me less likable). And remember, I want someone to like me for ME. Not for what I thought they'd find appealing. Because no one deserves to spend their life putting in 500% of the effort to look good and wear a mask. I don't want it to be the case where I sacrifice my whole personality to be liked. I want to find someone I can relax and be myself around. And like, idk, actually be hugged for once or something.

Look, I'll see how things play out from this point. I'm sure I'll at least be able to make something of all this. I just have this looming feeling that I'll be alone in life. Because as I've said... outside of tolerating ab*sive individuals who aren't all that interested in me in the first place... it's sort of been a trend for me to be alone. And that would mean one of my ab*sers was right...

In conclusion, I want a relationship in theory. One that is healthy and fulfilling. In reality, I have experienced no such thing. And that's what turns me off.

[citrussquirrel]

I feel neglected. I understand that you want to pigeonhole me into the role of a boyfriend, but at the end of the day I'm not. I'm just me. I don't want to be babied or coddled or some shit, I don't mind being the provider. I actually enjoy it to a certain extent. But I just wish that you'd show me some appreciation. I wish you hadn't said anything about flowers. I wasn't expecting any so it honestly hurt more when you said that you were going to and then didn't. Like, why even pretend to care? It felt pretty shitty. I didn't expect us to celebrate Valentine's but it's like that comment made me realize that you didn't get me anything for Valentine's Day. Like. Nothing. Then I (attempt) to buy us all Hozier tickets and you make that comment about how I should pay for weed next like....I already pay for so fucking much?? I recognize that I should go to work more but like I am so fucking burnt out and tired I don't want to do anything more than what I already work on top of school. I honestly wish I were dead most of the time. I'm so fucking exhausted and I just wanted something nice in my life. Our relationship is usually my refuge but it's always like something's missing. I know you don't have $200 but like none of the rings I sent you were that much. I often feel like you don't love me as much as I do and I honestly don't know if I'll ever feel like you do. To be completely honestly I often think that the only reason we're together is because you have this thought in your head that you're unattractive and that nobody else wants you. But I want you! I just wish I felt like you wanted me too. I honestly don't believe you're attracted to me. I get being a bottom but the complete lack of interest in my body behind my fucking mouth doesn't feel great. It's so funny because I remember approaching you when you were just a crush of mine and thinking that it didn't matter how you treated me as long as you gave me some attention, but now it's one of my least favorite things. I don't want you to give me attention because you feel like you have to, I want you to actually enjoy and want to look at me. I just want to feel like you actually love me. I know this is stupid but I guess I just thought that if you proposed to me it would mean that you loved me. Obviously I know that that's not a genuine representation of love (especially if it feels forced), but it's at least the illusion of it. As of now there's nothing. It's not about sex. I like topping, as much as you make fun of me being pathetic, and I wouldn't care if you never touched me, but it sometimes feel like you view me as nothing more than a tool to get you off. I honestly think I'll probably feel that way for the rest of my life, assuming that our relationship maintains itself the way it's been this far. I've spent so much fucking money on you, your hobbies, activities to do with you, and beauty protects to make myself look alright enough to be next to you (despite what you think about yourself I am extremely worried you'll be taken from me). I don't want to be fucking polyamerous with you. I just want to be exclusive. Not because I'm not interested in polyamory but because I just want to feel like you actually value this relationship and and love me specifically, not just because you think I'm the only option. You make me so fucking mad. Why can't you just apologize and do better?? You know I would've loved dead flowers. I've never ever recieved flowers in my life. I've hinted about them over and over and nothing. Just sucks that it lives up to everything else, forgotten because nobody really cares. You're not gonna propose by the time I wanted you to. It's fine I suppose. Because everything has to be fine. If I actually am upset somehow the narrative will always end with me in the wrong. Because you're always fucking right. Why can't you just love me like how I love you?? Out of all the love languages you give me none of them. So I'm assuming you just don't love me at all. And I mean that genuinely. Whatever. Happy fucking Valentine's Day.

[klutzyroses]

Could I please request something with Leonardo, Comte, Theo, Arthur and Shakespeare's s/o who starts to pull away from them because she feels fat/ugly/stupid/too inexperienced to be with her suitor?

IkeVamp HCs: Distant Inexperienced S/O

How do they react to their s/o pulling away because she feels she is too inexperienced/stupid/ugly for him?

Suitors: Leonardo, Arthur, Theo, Comte, William

Leonardo

The inventor very quickly caught on that something wasn't right with his love when she started acting a little strange.

It was little things at first, from her demure manner, to her uneasy glances, but little by little, he could feel his Cara mia started to drift away.

It hurt. Alot. To feel her gradually start to slip through his fingers was a fate worse than death.

A fate he was not about to allow to befall him without a fight.

There was a slight idea of what the issue COULD be, but he didn't want to make any assumptions about her feelings. Even if she was that easy to read.

At least, to him

So of course, he hunted his principessa down whilst she had thrown herself into her work. It took some level of convincing, before the inventor opted to simply scoop her into his arms and carry her away, despite the lovely lady's embarrassed protests.

Once he coaxed the answers out of her, it made perfect sense. Actually the more he thought about it, the more he feels he should have expected it.

"Leonardo...you know I'm nowhere near your level, don't you? I'm not as smart, innovative, and...I'm not going to even talk about experience. Don't you want someone more-"

"Like you? Course."

He cuts her off before she can imply anything else he, very likely, did not want to hear. He slips his hand behind her head to hold her still as he, very gently bumps her forehead with his own.

He wants to understand, he loves her, ALL of her. He chose her for a reason, a very special, undeniable reason.

"And that's because you're you."

Arthur

The ever perceptive author noticed almost immediately something was wrong with his beloved.

Her slowly diminishing mood was obvious of course, he was, after all, the most in tune with her, the one who loved her most. So of course he knew something was wrong.

He can easily estimate what may be troubling her, but he can't be entirely certain until he asks her himself.

Though he does notice that she is particularly quiet when he is approached by one of his admirers. Not necessarily moody just...subdued....distant.

That's why he sits her down in his room and brings it up over cuddles.

"What's going on in your pretty little head, luv? You've been so melancholy lately..."

He twirls her hair between his fingers as he listens to her concerns, though what she has to say is a bit...sore.

To hear she was so concerned over being inexperienced...to hear that she thought herself unattractive...especially in the presence of his beautiful devotees. His heart ached to hear that, and he partially blames himself for letting his darling think like that. After all, he even told her, when they first met, that he preferred experienced women. While he had been flirtatiously teasing...it seems those words had a very negative impact on his beloved.

He holds her face in his hands, stroking her soft cheeks with his thumbs

"Luv, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry darling, I never meant to for you to feel this way. You have to understand how wrong you are to think that. I love your innocence, there is nothing wrong with it at all, please believe me when i say it makes you all the more precious. And... even when you're upset you're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, remember?"

He presses his forehead to hers.

"All of you is perfect to me...Absolutely flawless."

Theo

The man may be busy but his hondje always comes first. So when she starts acting strange, he notices.

Her half hearted retorts to his teasing and her gloomy disposition would've been noted by a blind man.

He observes her for maybe a day or two, to actually confirm if this was going to be a problem, or just a passing mood.

Once he sees that this wasn't going away without being confronted, he drags her off somewhere private and gazes at her with a severe frown on his handsome features.

"Talk hondje. Something's wrong and you're going to tell me what."

She could deny anything being wrong, but then they would be here all day...

So she tell him the truth. That she felt dumb, stupid next to him, who was so sharp and intelligent, that she was no match for him, to the point she would rather keep quiet, lest she embarrassed him with her supposed ineptitude.

Theo...was not pleased. But at the same time, he can't help but wonder...did he lead her to think like that, through all his teasing. A small part of him can't help but worry a little. Which is why he can't help but take her chin in his hand and make her look into his strong blue eyes.

"The only dumb thing about you is thinking like that. Don't underestimate yourself, and don't even think of selling yourself short. Because...you are smart. The brightest woman I know."

He softens a bit more as he never breaks away from her sparkling eyes.

"I mean it. You really do shine in my eyes."

Comte

Comte could easily tell something was on her mind. How could he miss it? He pays such attention to her, it would be impossible to miss a change in her behaviour.

He especially notices it when he takes her with him to one of his events, surrounded by the aristocracy and nobility, she seems even more ill at ease.

He wonders if she would rather not accompany him, but she agrees wholeheartedly everytime, he couldn't bring himself to question her too much...

However, when he was surrounded by his male and female admirers, the noble, sophisticated men, the beautiful, seemingly flawless women, his cherie would just...shrink.

She seemed almost frightened to be there and rarely spoke at all. She just silently drifted away from the nobles....and from him.

It wasn't until one night that he escorts her to a balcony after all greetings are out of the way. He takes both her hands in his and peers into her puzzled eyes.

"Tell me, mon Coeur, what's been troubling you so? You seem so distant lately?"

He rubs the back of her hands soothingly, listening patiently as she speaks.

"...Aren't you embarrassed to be seen with me? I'm not as good at being a noble and...I'm not even half as stunning as any of the other women here and I...I.."

She pauses when she feels his finger on her soft lips to gently hush her.

"Ma cherie, you must understand, there is no woman who can outshine you, not by any stretch of the imagination. You bring me so much pride, to be able to bring such a diamond with me is nothing short of an honor."

And he means every word of that. She is special, perfect, breathtaking. And he would always be proud of her, whether she be in a ballgown, or in a potato sack.

William

Ah, if his fair maiden thought she was concealing her anxiety well, she would have to try harder than to fool this playwright.

This master of masks could easily tell his muse was starting to distance herself, whilst also hiding that fact and her snowballing anxieties.

And...well, he wasn't well pleased with this.

Yes, he took note of how she behaved in his presence, and how she often began to evade him, trying to not seem obvious, but the man was not fooled. No, not in the slightest.

What a playful little trickster, to think she thought he would allow her to leave his side this way. He could chance a guess upon what is troubling her, but to confirm his suspicions...

He beckons her to him, under the guise of a mere conversation he would like to start but when the poor girl came within arms reach, she found herself in an inescapable embrace, which only heightened her trepidation when she also found her wrist inexplicably bound to his with bright red ribbon.

"In this manner, you shan't find thyself able to escape me, slippery nymph."

He seems to be playful but he is serious. He is going to get to the bottom of her behavior, and she was going nowhere until he did.

So of course, he listens silently, patiently as she explains her feelings of insecurity, of feeling inadequate, unintelligent, essentially a complete airhead next to him, the brilliant William Shakespeare.

He doesn't interrupt her until she is finished speaking, and only then does he stop to chuckle lightly, and then laugh. It is not necessarily a derisive or mocking laugh, more of a teasing, affectionate laugh, like a parent listening to their child proudly explain concepts to them that they already knew.

"It seems I have neglected thee for far too long, should my fair one find time to allow such thoughts to cloud her head."

He presses a kiss to her wrist, still wrapped closely to his, before nipping it.

Oh, he will definitely ease her worries. She won't have a second to think of them when he is done with her.

🌸

[trashyslashers]

Hey! I miss your writing! How are you doing??

Any way I can get Corey with a shy s/o? How would that start, with him being shy in the beginning of the movie??

Ahh this one was really cute to write, thank you!

As for your question, things have been very up and down lately, hence the slow release of writing. The death of one of my beloved pets, a health scare with a family member who was in extremely critical condition, recently adopting three new baby rats, issues at work, applying for new jobs, dealing with a lot of inner turmoil and, for lack of a better term, a major crisis in self identity and I guess a lot of questioning about my own personal beliefs, feelings about myself, my family, my life has.... left me feeling very beat down and just fucking exhausted lmao.

In better news, I'm really hoping to see Halloween Ends again here soon, so fingers crossed that it works out because I'm DYING to see Corey again, especially since I want to get a better grasp on him for writing as I still fear I write him OOC. But hey, he's new, I'm new to writing him, I'll get better with him.

Also I cannot remember what his bike looks like so pls pretend this would work even if it wouldn't </3

Thank you again! This came out a bit longer than intended.

Corey Cunningham x shy! s/o

You two are both shy - but in somewhat different ways, and it's honestly kind of cute how it worked out that way.

Much of Corey's shyness stems more so from how incredibly socially awkward he feels, at least initially. While after the babysitting incident he became incredibly anxious (sometimes bordering on fearful) when it came to interacting with the public due to the cruelty they'd often deal his way, a great deal of his shyness has more to do with him just not really being sure how to socialize with people without coming across as, what to him always felt, dorky.

Corey thinks your shyness is pretty damn adorable - which is funny because he thinks his own is unattractive. His own didn't actually bother him too much, at least not until you came along - y'know the saying "opposites attract", and he felt that he didn't have the charisma to attract you, or get you to open up beyond the timid waves or smiles you'd give his way whenever your eyes would meet briefly.

He's had his eye on you for awhile. Never, ever sure how to approach you given the fact that neither of you knew each other, and that he's typically so focused on his studies and educational goals that he'd worry you may not find much in common with him and, as a result of that as well as what he always viewed as his abysmal social skills and lack of charm, you'd end up losing any interest you may have had in him.

Truthfully, it takes until after that Halloween night for him to approach you, and it wasn't exactly something he planned. After what happened, he knew that you knew, and as a result he could only assume that like most others in Haddonfield, you wanted nothing to do with him, and he considered any potential for a relationship with you gone.

That was, until the day you were walking out of the same convenience store he was going in to. It was an incredibly brief, yet still so comically awkward encounter, that every night he spent thinking of it made his heart thump with both embarrassment but also a giddiness he hadn't felt before.

He, upon opening the door and realizing someone was heading out, kept his gaze mostly to the ground in the hopes that avoiding eye contact would save him any flak from anyone who recognized him as he held the door for whoever it was, praying that they'd just pass by and not give him any shit. He didn't even want a thanks - hell, he figured that if he didn't hold the door, it'd slam shut on whoever it was and then it was inevitable that they would say something to him.

"Thank y- " You'd started, and the moment he heard your voice his head shot up, and he couldn't determine if your words were cut short by his sudden movement or by the disgust you must've felt upon realizing it was him, of all people - yet that apprehension faded when you offered that sweet, timid smile that always made his heart flutter. "You're Corey, right? Thanks for the door - you didn't have to do that."

He spent weeks kicking himself over how terribly he stumbled over his attempt at saying both "You're welcome" and "It's no big deal" and instead said "You're no big deal". He was quick to correct himself, scoffing a painfully awkward chuckle and once again redirecting his eyes elsewhere "Shit, I meant... it's fine. You don't need to thank me, I wanted to. Yes, I'm Corey." And giving you your name in return to confirm that he did, in fact, know who you were too.

Much to both his relief but also embarrassment, you seemed to find his blunder more comical than you did anything else, and nodded. "Yeah, that's me." He could listen to that cute, quiet little laugh of yours for hours. You quickly excused yourself, wishing him a good night and a "see you around".

He wanted so desperately to believe that you were being genuine with your kindness, and he kept swearing to himself that he'd talk to you the next time he had the chance to. Opportunity after opportunity kept passing him by and he kept swearing that next time he'd do it, until one day when it was absolutely pouring rain, and apparently your usual method of transportation had fallen through and you had no choice but to walk in the downpour.

He was not about to let that happen, and taking the tiny surge of bravery he felt, he stopped his well-ridden bike close enough that you could hear him over the rain, but far enough that you, hopefully, didn't feel uncomfortable, and he offered you a ride.

It definitely was a spectacle - he didn't have his motorized bike yet, and his bike wasn't made for two people, so he had you take the seat, while he stood over the center bar to pedal. You had to place your hands on his sides to keep your balance, and had it not been for his concentration on getting you to your destination as quickly, yet as safely, as possible, he would've melted on the spot from your light touch.

The both of you actually laughed a bit over the ride to wherever it was you needed to go, and he felt a fair amount of any nervousness and shyness he felt around you melt off. The hard part, the how do I approach them without scaring them off? part was over with.

Once the two of you enter an established relationship, your shyness actually begins to bring out Corey's bolder, protective side. He'll speak up for you if you need him to (he absolutely will be the "excuse me, they asked for no pickles" one in the relationship if need be), he'll act as a literal barrier between you and someone if they're hassling you, he'll give you rides home if your shyness branches into the socially anxious territory (and even if it doesn't, he still prefers to give you rides home - the people in Haddonfield can be shitty and he does not trust many of them) - he can, and does, overcome his own struggles with shyness when it comes to you.

As things develop and he becomes bolder, and much more confident and charismatic, he absolutely loves to tease you a bit and get you a shy, flustered mess. Calling you goopy, silly pet names in private? Check. Wrapping an arm protectively around your shoulders in public? Done. Pressing quick kisses to your face in a crowded room when you think no one is looking? It's like a game to him.

Turn the tables on him a bit, if you're feeling playful. For awhile, even just calling him something like babe or honey is going to bring back that shy, at a loss for words, Corey that he was for the first initial few weeks of your relationship.

[captains-simp]

(Not me accidentally posting this when it was half done)

I knew I could count on you @wndrcarol for a jock!Carol request🥳 also....👀I heard you like Sharon

Part 2, Part 3, Part 4

1.9k words

Warnings: harassment, degrading, face slapping, strap on sex, spitting, choking and hints of overstimulation

[ masterlist ]

Buy me a coffee ☕

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

You groaned in frustration when you finished checking the kitchen for your girlfriend. Everytime you went to a party with her the same thing happened.

You'd arrive, take a while to get comfortable and as soon as you did Carol would be whisked away by her friends leaving you to stand awkwardly in the corner. You really needed to get more friends. The ones you had never seemed to come to those parties.

You wandered outside onto the wooden decking area to get some fresh air and leant against the fence as you lazily scanned the area for Carol. You knew she wasn't out there, you had already checked.

Your eyes landed on a brunet who had been watching you carefully but the moment you locked eyes he scurried away back inside, not wanting to be seen near you. You smiled at the memory of the last time you had met at a party.

"There was only 10 seconds of the game left but I kicked the ball as hard as I could and it was on the last second of the game that it scored and we won!" Tyler exclaimed before taking another sip of his bear and gleamed at the memory.

"That's great." You said as you continued to scan the room for Carol.

"It was, you should'a been there." Tyler said as he looked back at you, or more he looked above the line of your low hanging top. You shifted uncomfortably under his gaze.

"I was at Carol's game." Tyler didn't react to the mention of your girlfriend. It wasn't like he didn't know you were dating, everyone knew. Carol made sure of that.

"Unlucky, mine was a lot more interesting." He declared with a smug grin. A brief memory of Carol fucking you in the showers after that game flashed through your mind and you couldn't contain your smile at knowing how wrong the guy infront of you was.

Unfortunately, he thought that smile was at him.

"I had a pretty great game before that too. But it's getting kinda loud in here, wanna go somewhere more private?" He smirked in an extremely unattractive way.

"I'm good, I need to go find Carol." You said quickly, wanting to get the hell away from Tyler.

You hadn't seen Carol in a while. It was her idea to go to the party, it was an environment she thrived in. You, however, did not. It wasn't your scene and you didn't know anyone there, not well at least.

At some point through the mass of bodies, loud music and numerous people trying to get Carol to do shots with them or be on their beer pong team, you had been seperated from the Captain and you hadn't seen her since.

"Come on, I'm sure there's some spare rooms upstairs." There was a slight slur to his voice that made it even worse when he approached you and put a heavy hand on your waist.

"Get off me, Tyler!" You snapped and pushed his hand away but he continued with a frown.

"What? Don't you want this-" He was cut off when a fist shot out beside you and punched him across the face. Tyler staggered back, gripping his bleeding nose, as the people around you cheered loudly, oblivious to what had happened prior.

"Get your fucking hands off my girlfriend." Carol demanded as she continued to advance towards a cowarding Tyler who could only hold his hands out in defence. You pulled Carol away with to turn her towards you and Tyler scrambled to his feet to flee.

"Are you okay?" Concerned and familiar eyes met yours that instantly eased your worry. Carol brought her hands gently up to your face as she scanned you closely and you were surprised to see that she looked completely sober.

You nodded your head and breathed out a yes before you took her right hand away from your face to examine it carefully. The dull lighting in the room made it hard to make out but you could feel that there was nothing out of place.

"Come on." Carol said as she took your hand. "Let's get out of here."

Tyler had a bandage across his nose for a while. He had avoided you like the plague ever since, clearly have some sense in him.

"Want some company?" Came a voice from beside you. You glanced sideways and saw Sharon fall easily into place next to you. She mirrored your position of leaning against the barrier and gave you a knowing smile.

"Thanks." You breathed out, feeling kind of embarrassed someone had noticed Carol always seemed to ditch you at parties.

"No luck finding the girlfriend?" Sharon teased.

"Is it that obvious?" You asked but weren't sure you really wanted to know.

"You look like a lost puppy without her." Sharon chuckled making you flush. Maybe you were too clingy.

"She's the golden retriever lesbian." You corrected making Sharon laugh more.

"That seems about right." She went to move closer to you but a group of jocks spilled out onto the decking, without Carol among them.

"Fuck this." She huffed and took your hand to lead you over to the garden swing bench. Your hand felt like it was burning when she held it to pull you along. Although her hands were physically soft, they weren't the kind of softness you felt with Carol. It didn't make you feel warm inside, it made you feel uneasy. But it was a party, you had to hold onto people to move about.

Part of your brain pointed out that there was only a few people in the garden so there was really no need for Sharon to navigate you through it, while the rest of you really did just want some company.

Sharon sat down on the bench and you followed, feeling as though you could relax a bit more on the edge of the garden.

"You know, I think Carol's a very lucky gal to have you." Sharon said as she watched you closely. You laughed nervously as you noticed how close she was. You found yourself searching the garden for Carol again but Sharon lighting held your jaw and turned it back towards her.

"Pretty thing like you must surely be a lot of fun to play with." She smirked as her other hand crept onto your thigh.

"Um I d-don't-"

"Shh, you don't need to talk." Sharon cooed as she tilted your chin up more when you struggled to keep eye contact. The blonde glanced at your lips and licked her own before leaning forward slowly.

Until a strong hand wrapped itself around your bicep and yanked you from the bench.

You stumbled into a fuming blonde who was glaring at Sharon. You blushed deeply as you realised how it looked at what Sharon was most likely trying to do.

"You keep your fucking hands off of my girlfriend, Carter." Carol spat as her fists clenched.

"You really shouldn't leave her unattended?" Sharon said, amused by Carol's anger. "Who knows what could have happened." She winked at you and looked away instantly.

Carol scoffed simply as she continued to glare daggers at the woman infront of you.

"In your fucking dreams, she's mine." She all but growled as she pulled you away. You yelped as you felt her nails dig into your skin but didn't have the nerve to ask her to loosen her grip.

Carol pulled you through the crowded house and up to an empty bedroom that she shoved you inside.

"Did you enjoy that? Whoring yourself out to Sharon?" Carol asked as she threw you to the bed and started undoing her belt.

"No I-" You started as you went to sit up but Carol put a firm hand to your chest and pushed you back flat against the bed.

"Shut up, slut. I don't want to hear another sound out of you unless you're saying my name." She warned as she pulled her strap out and pulled your panties down.

You looked at her wide eyed, never seeing her so worked up before sex. Sure, you'd have a lot of needy, desperate sex and the occasional quickly, but she never showed so little regard to you before.

"What? Think I'm going to be nice to you and take my time? Want me to touch you gently? Whores don't deserve to be treated nicely. You don't get to prep my cock either." Carol taunted as she pushed the tip of the head in and kept it there as she stared down at you. "You'll have to just take it how it is, not that you'll have much of an issue. You've always got such a sloppy cunt."

"Please, Captain." You found yourself whining earning you a harsh slap to your left cheek. Your head whipped to the side and your cheek burned but Carol didn't seem to care.

"Who are you begging to fuck you?" Carol asked as she rocked her hips slowly as a reminder that you only had the very tip inside you.

"You Carol, I want my Captain's cock!" You cried out desperately.

"Only mine?" The blonde mused as she inched a bit more of the strap in.

"Yes Carol, only your cock. I only want you." You whined truthfully. Carol knew that of course, she knew you were incredibly loyal. That's what made the game so fun.

"Please! Please Carol I need you so bad. I want my Captain deep inside me, please please." You begged and felt as though you could cry in frustration.

"You really know how to plead like a whore, don't you. Did you learn that somewhere? Or are you just a natural cock slut?" She asked as she slammed her hips forward and filed you up with the strap at every angle.

You moaned loudly and threw your head back against the pillows as Carol set about her harsh and unrelenting pace. The thick strap filled you up entirely with every thrust. It didn't take long for your eyed to water from the sheer amount of pleasure she was giving to you so roughly.

Carol grunted as she pounded the strap into you and her grip on your wrists tightened, letting you know she wouldn't let go anytime soon.

"See? You've got such a sloppy pussy. And it's all mine." Carol spoke as she glanced down to look at your pussy taking her strap so well.

"You're gonna cum for me now. You're going to cum all over my cock." Carol demanded as she noticed your signs of approaching orgasm.

You cried out at the force of each of Carol's thrusts until it became too much to bear and you crashed over the edge without much to hold on to. As you did so, Carol brought her hand up and wrapped it tightly around your throat before giving it a quick squeeze.

"You belong to me, slut." Carol said as she continued thrusting mercilessly. She noted your blissed expression and open mouth and gripped your jaw tightly, much rougher than Sharon had. She pulled your face down with your mouth still open and spat. You moaned as you tasted her saliva on your tongue and around your lips. You swallowed it eagerly making Carol beam internally, not that she could let you know that.

"Cum again for me whore. I get to do what I want with you. So you're going to keep cuming until I get bored. I don't give a fuck if you get tired." She spoke next to your ear, poison dripping from her words.

"So fucking cum."

[rumblelibrary]

Hello 👀❤️

So... I don't know if this will work or not, but I thought why not, I send it in... And if you don't like it, that's completely fine ❤️🔥

I really like how you write the characters' mind... What they are thinking or how they act... I was thinking, maybe a new mechanic (Reader) at Ferrari (yes, it's a Niki Lauda fic, you know me❤️🔥) who is really shy, but very good at their job, and Niki likes them and he is an asshole with everyone (which is normal from him) EXCEPT with the Reader... And like... Maybe at first he doesn't realize this, but then he does, and gets all conflicted like why is he getting soft suddenly, out of nowhere... (It is obvious, but not for him)... I'm curious how you would see this, write this... The ending of this story is up to you ❤️❤️

Love you ❤️🔥👀

What Is This Feeling [Niki Lauda x Mechanic!Reader]

Word count: 2.5k Warnings: lot of swearing by our favourite Rat King Author’s note: Niki is quickly turning into my comfort character to unleash my sass, thank you for giving me the chance to write him!

Part 2

On your first day at Ferrari nobody took you seriously, but to be a mechanic wasn’t exactly typing letters, it was not a place where somebody high up in the ranks would set a lover to give her some benefit and a free pay check.

You didn’t talk a lot, you stood your ground from the moment you put hands on any part of the car, but you weren’t exactly the chatty type and, being the only woman, it took you time to be allowed to the after work beer, to the birthdays and all the balancing that came with a good team spirit.

In a world full of bias about women, you were spared thanks to your abilities and knowledge. Or maybe, because the mechanics team had someone bigger to fight: Niki Lauda.

To work with him was thrilling, but stressful.

He would walk in at any hour of the day, break some egos, pile up an amount of changes that to make a brand new car would be a faster option.

You sat on the floor beside the baby, yes baby was the car, it wasn’t like you had to stay on the floor, there were more than plenty working stations, but it felt more comfortable for you: it gave you the chance to stand and look at things from afar, you were in need to touch, to understand, to put things together. It was your skill, but also your curse, because it was hard to gain yourself a space on the floor in such a fast paced environment like the one at Ferrari. You were working on the ignition when he stormed inside, the soft chats died fast and the noise of the radio was the only thing left, but he didn’t seem to mind the effect he had on people.

In a couple of long steps he was in front of one of your colleagues.

“What is this?” The man looked down to his sandwich like it was self explanatory, but the following silence brought him to answer “my lunch”

“Nice” Niki said, his lips curling downward in a very sarcastic amusement “well, take your lunch out of my garage because I don’t want your crumbles in my engine” he hissed picking the crumbles that effectively fell on the working table and sprinkling them like salt on the man’s face.

The man frowned and left to eat outside and avoid to punch him as Niki proceeded to his next victim.

“And you call this a design development? I call this dog shit”

“If this is a well done job, I’d better retire already before I get your good job to crack my skull open”

“Just begin again, don’t even ask”

“Are you sure you don’t work for McLaren? Because by the quality of your work I am starting to wonder”

One after the other all your colleagues fell under the axe of Niki’s commentary.

Nobody was spared, it was a butchery.

“So? What is this?”

You looked up at him as he towered over you, Satan himself would be less scary, and probably less attractive, to your eyes. His standing figure with rebel curls and his Ray-ban glasses in his left hand, the polo shirt under the fancy jacket, even his bad character gave him the edge so many men more conventionally attractive lack.

“I am working on the ignition” you said as he bent down crouching beside you as you showed him, his cologne filling your nostrils like the best smell your nose ever encountered.

“Okay, in what way?” He asked resting his elbows on his knees.

You gulped softly “Well, I am trying to experiment if I change this in here” and you pointed to a section in particular “maybe the car will have a better performance at the beginning of the race”

“Have you considered that it could over work the battery?”

“I did, but I wanted to see if I make here something like this” and you took a little tube showing how you lace it around the section “if I use this to push the cooler to work into this part as well, we might avoid over heating”

He listened touching his chin with the edge of his glasses thoughtfully.

“Give it a try”

He just said standing up.

Your colleagues looked at you shaking their heads as he turned around and everybody looked down to their tasks again, so then he left.

______________________________________________________________________ This wasn’t the first time, he wasn’t letting you do things he didn’t approve, but he always listened to you, he advised you, and the harshest thing he said was probably “I think you’re not looking at the bigger picture”

Nobody commented on it and beside some joke here and there, the little preference he had over you seemed to pass unnoticed mostly by him.

“You know, you really need a girlfriend” Clay, the other driver of the Ferrari alongside him, said during some tests.

Niki looked at him.

“Why? Do I look like one that has to fuck a woman to be fine?”

He laughed as Niki was always so overaggressive “No, but you treat everyone like bullshit beside the new girl, so you either can be an asshole only with men or your seduction technique needs a real check”

He frowned, eyebrows furrowing together as his lips parted in disbelief

“You nuts”

“Maybe, but I haven’t heard you complain about her as much as you complain about the rest of the world”

He shook his head “You are just letting you Italian genes getting your head stupid”

Clay laughed at him nodding knowingly “Sure, sure” he patted harshly on Niki’s back knowing how much he hated to be patted around like that as he moved to talk to one of the mechanics working on his car.

Niki crossed his arms resting against the wall of the garage, his eyes instinctively looking for your figure finding you to one of the working table writing down some notes over the changes applied while looking at the projects.

His eyes dropping on your ass like it was the first time he checked it, realising it wasn’t the first time he mentally noted it.

Well, he couldn’t really say you were unattractive, or not his type, or a good mechanic.

His thought process was suddenly interrupted as Clay himself approached you and you moved on side showing him the papers you were just writing on.

He nodded and said something to you, his hand casually resting on the small of your back making Niki’s jaw almost snap for how much he was gritting his teeth.

You shuffled on side avoiding the touch with a casual smile, but Clay kept talking to you and from afar Niki saw him say something and wave his pointed finger between himself and you. You shook your head and smiled turning down whatever he just offered with all the politeness you had, Niki pursued his lips slightly in amusement for his best girl’s behaviour.

Wait a second. Best girl?

He glared at Clay that smirked at him from afar, a big ‘I knew it’ smirk on his lips.

Niki bit the inside of his cheek not liking it.

He was with you like with everybody else, what the hell.

Niki ignored you all day, when you showed him something he himself requested to be shown, he shuffled away, when you handed him something he was looking for, he looked for it somewhere else, he just wasn’t meeting your eyes and hell and thunderstorm fell upon anyone that even tried to engage a talk with him on that day.

“I can’t with your boyfriend anymore, I swear” one of your colleagues muttered to you.

“He is not my boyfriend” 

He looked at you “Then he’d better be soon, maybe he’ll chill out”

“Are you even paid to stand and do nothing?” Niki shouted from afar and you two parted ways faster than two kids smuggling candies during class. ______________________________________________________________________

The next day was the judgment day for all the changes done on the car, your nerves were cracking as Niki arrived in his driving suit and your eyes immediately snapped a mental photo on his figure.

Did you ever went home wishing to have his company? Yes.

Did you ever wondered if he was so aggressive ever in the intimate times? Way too much.

Did you have any chance? Probably no.

You let out a big sigh as your colleagues reassured you “Hey, if it doesn’t work we either get rid of the rat or have some more time to work on it” he joked but you didn’t feel any better.

Niki looked up as he noticed your worried look, your lips nibbling down on your lips, your foot tapping rhythmically and nervously, the sudden instinct to lean his hand on that waist of yours, to rest his leg beside yours to make it stop that nerve wracking dance, to forbid your lips any more damage not caused by him.

All of that crowded his mind and he growled tiredly.

Stupid Clay, with his stupid theories.

He finished getting ready and put on his helmet settling down in his spot rolling his shoulders back, he needed to focus.

The head mechanic came over him repeating all the changes and just annoying the hell out of him, he is not always around the car only to check you out.

“When you're done telling me what I know, tell me something I don’t, I beg you”

The head mechanic did a big effort not to spit into his face and just left him waving his arms in the air.

You touched on your forehead nervously, if you failed it would show in the timings or maybe the car won’t even start.

You looked at him, seconds before he pulled down the dark lid of his helmet, his dark eyes so focused a shiver creeped over you.

You gasped as the signal was given and the car started.

Your fingers finding their way to your mouth as you nibbled your skin.

The car was fast, that was sure, you leaned beside the head mechanic that was taking the time. You breathed heavily, your mind going through all the changes you did, all the small settlements, the little details.

An eternal list that kept repeating itself.

Then the question as he was halfway through the leap, what if you disappointed him?

What if he asked you to be sent away?

Then you looked down to the chronometer, he was already almost two seconds earlier than usual.

A smile started to grow on you, the excitement filling your veins.

The sound of the engine roaring beautifully, you made it!

Then it happened, some smoke raised up to the sky, one of the wheels snapped, the breath died in your throat.

The car flexed on side but Niki controlled it and guided it against the sandy side of the track that slowed it down until it stopped.

“He was breaking his record” the head mechanic sighed “now he is just going to break our balls”

Niki moved out of the car throwing his helmet on the ground pushing off roughly anyone that tried to help him or check if he was hurt, some of the mechanics moving to the tow truck to recollect the car, Niki moving past you, his face tense and his posture of someone ready to snap some necks. You didn’t see him for the rest of the day, nobody talked about him, nobody mentioned anything as the storm will fall on all of the team the next day.

Now it was the head mechanic to face it for all of you.

______________________________________________________________________

That night you stayed over time, the other colleagues told you to just go home, to not let the thing sink of you, to look at it with fresh eyes and all those circumstantial phrases people gift you when they try to cheer you up. 

As always on the floor, you had now the chance to spread the pieces out, collect them into branches of types and use. You pulled closer your notebook writing down the ideas and things to remember to check, the image of Niki almost crashing gutting you even if you soon realised it wasn’t your change that set off the wheel, but it was part of the cause, the car was now too powerful and the stress on the suspensions was deadly.

You yawned lightly pulling a catalogue of replacements parts trying to find the best mix you could manage, but you surely had to make up something about it. You didn’t expect to solve the problem or to find the solution for everything with a creative twist, but to, at least, plan a sequence of possibilities to present to your chief the next day.

A hand slowly leaning a mug of steaming coffee beside you.

You looked up to find Niki there, another cup in his hand, those messy curls calling to be touched, his impeccable style always winning you over with a dark turtleneck and his tweed jacket.

“Found the problem?” He asked sharply as always.

He was surprised to see you there, he spent the rest of the afternoon after the malfunction with the head mechanic and some of the administrators as he needed a solution in time for the upcoming race.

So he decided he couldn’t trust their promises and reassurances, but take the matter in his own hand, for a change. But when he arrived he saw the lights still on and you there. He was almost tempted to leave, it wasn’t a good moment to screw things with one of his most talented mechanics.

But you, again, were so into it, you looked so beautiful with your working jumpsuit and the hair messed up nibbling on that pen like it was a matter of life and death.

He couldn’t just let you stay so beautiful and alone, who knows who could approach you.

You nodded “I think so” you said showing him the piece, he leaned his head on side studying it 

“May I?”

You nodded as he took off his blazer before joining you on the floor, he crossed his legs, your knees touching as he stole those papers from your hand.

“Signal to the administration this night shift, or they won’t ever pay you” he muttered without looking away from the papers.

You smirked “I know, but it is more a matter of principle than money, I didn’t like the heart attack you gave me today”

You were surprised by your own words, maybe it was because you really were over caffeinated or just realising how it was the first time you were alone and how you felt comfortable around him. No, not comfort, it was trust, you trusted him.

He looked up from the papers up at you, he didn’t replied to your comment straightaway, he let it sink in, he let your presence sink in.

A one-sides smirk appeared on his lips

“It is going to be a long night, then” Tagged @cazzyimagines @lieutenantn @handmaiden-of-mischief@thesunflowersutra Let me know if you want to get added <3

[wrathfulspark]

@xreznikovx

Tamryn managed to avoid Elidi almost entirely since she had heard her apologize for not being there for the human girl. To Tamryn, the whole reason Elidi had in fact not been there was due to them being away. In the she wolf’s eyes they had nothing to be sorry about. However the entire display that day had shifted Tamryn’s energy entirely towards both the witch and wiccan.

 Tamryn often ignored an onslaught of messages from others though she never thought she would find herself to be out right avoiding the efforts of her lover. The very idea warped her perception of the thought as she felt Elidi was to some degree apologetic for their love being in the way. The trip was so much more than just a trip to the she wolf, she was trusting and vulnerable moments that she now felt were unwanted and to some degree devalued. It crippled not only her pride, but her heart, which few were actually able to affect personally. Even though disinterest was the alpha intentions, she couldn’t find herself to actually be done with the witch entirely.

 She did love Elidi, which was a rare thing Tamryn had never felt for another before. It was the sole reason when Elidi mentioned meeting up to talk in person that she was more than willing. As she approached the meeting place she held her head and her shoulder higher, her resolve seemed to harden with each step as she finally made eye contact with the witch. Her jaw tensed as her heart fluttered against her will, why was she so weak to this woman? With each step her thoughts faded as she focused more so on the reason they were in this position in the first place. Sitting by her lover’s side she looked directly at her with a stern expression upon her face, her brow arched almost as if she were expecting Elidi to speak first, and was making it clear she didn’t feel the need to speak, the look in her vivid blue hues spoke for itself.

Her gaze darted down to Elidi’s hand upon her knee, how she longed for the touch of her lover, but she would never voice that in the moment. The look she had hid well how much she needed that touch, she appeared more bothered by it than comforted though it was just the level of unphased Tamryn was maintaining, listening to her words she rolled her eyes and finally looked elsewhere as she sat back against the bench,

 “You really brought me here to have the same conversation we have been having over texts and not reaching any end point with...You feel sorry too much as of late darling, its an unattractive look for you. You sure seemed to regret it when you said sorry on your knees. You also seemed to forget that she tossed you aside twice for her own benefit, yet you are sorry for not being there for her, where is she ever for you? Like a typical human, she expects forgiveness and understanding when she has done nothing to earn it. I get it Elidi, you see yourself in her, I saw that from the moment you picked her up as a student despite how she is. I also get that her family is gone now, but the issue between us, has nothing to do with her.”

 At this point she was now focused directly on Elidi as she spoke,

“It has to do with me now questioning if I was falling for you faster and harder than you appeared to be falling for me. I am not sorry for us not being here. I offered her help when I caught her selling your magic. She denied it, that's on her...But to hear you apologize for not being there for her when the only reason you weren't was because we were together, going through what we through...”

 She trailed off and simply growled before looking away again, she refused to show that it affected her deeper than causing her to just question things, sitting upright more she arched a brow,

 “You can’t be everywhere at once, that does not mean you have to be sorry for it all the time.”

Tamryn didn't seem all the comforted in her touch, more so bothered, so she withdrew her hand, letting it reside in her lap where her gaze had fallen. Had she really messed everything up already? This was all new to her, it wasn't that bad yet, right? Just for a moment she turns her attention toward the box next to her, brows knitting together, anxiously, scared. She steadily exhaled through her nose, hesitantly lifting bright hues to stare at Tamryn.

She felt the warmth in her cheeks spread at Tamryn's words, her hues narrowing as she felt her temper flare, her hands balling into fists in her lap. The weather threatens to change, the subtle scent of rain in the wind as a breeze blows. No. She was not going to lose control, she wouldn't show it in the slightest. This wasn't about anger or fear. Elidi could manipulate all of it, all but her reddening face. "What does it matter if I am sorry? I'm not trying to be attractive, I'm being apologetic. I apologized to her and I apologized to you. She doesn't need to be there for me, I take care of myself, I am her teacher, she is not mine." Though she says nothing on the matter of how similar her and Kiki exactly were, her fingers tapping together impatiently, gaze momentarily averting. What was wrong with that too?

Tamryn's next words make her heart feel like it's stopped in her chest, her lips settling in a thin line as she turns her attention away from the Alpha completely. "How can you say that?" She asked incredulously after an awkward pause, illuminated hues stared intently at her lover, "It's like me apologizing for not being there for Kiki suddenly erased everything we've gone through together. I do feel bad. Her family is dead! You understand that right? Her mother and grandmother were literally burned to death. You telling me not to feel bad, isn't going to change that, but don't tell me that I wasn't falling for you just as fast, that you're in this deeper than I am." Elidi exhaled a huff, taking in a deep breath once more, her throat aching, "I've been honest with you from the very beginning. At the beach, on our dates, at the compound, in the forest. Hell, I'm the one who said I love you first! Yet it suddenly doesn't matter anymore? You won't even say it back." Digits drummed across her kneecap, "I looked past your former crimes, I covered Jaylah's indiscretions, I helped organize your birthday and..." She inhaled sharply, shaking her head as she broke her gaze, sighing as she rubbed her wrist where the bracelet was.

She bit the inside of her cheek as she stared down at the stone, she wondered if Tamryn could really understand how Elidi felt. Could she feel the ache in her heart, the tight pressure dead center, wanting to press her palm to her chest just to relieve some of the strain. Glossy hues rose to meet Tamryn's, gesturing idly toward the bracelet, another thing she had done for the Alpha.

"... I already told you I don't regret going with you. I loved the trip, I love you, I adored everything about it and more. I said you were my only exception, and I meant it, but I don't.. I am the one who should be asking how you feel." Reaching for the boxes, she set them gently in Tamryn's lap, moving to stuff her hands in her coat pockets. Another hand crafted project, that definitely took her blood and sweat, a tiny storm in a bottle, and one box of chocolates. "Happy Birthday."

[melissancholy]

desire

I've been struggling with a lot of the same thoughts lately and they keep showing up in instances around me.

I have a lot of takes on this and they will sound terrible but they are correct. These are the conclusions I have made based on what I have experienced and going off of the logic that leads to these conclusions. they're controversial and toxic, but that's what I got.

Essentially, I am not desirable. I have never been desirable and if I continue to stay as is I will never be desirable. I am and have been invisible for my whole life, my Princess Mia costume for Halloween was the most spot on. Next to any friend on a night out, the focus and attention is on them and not me. I am the afterthought and the footnote of every encounter. My wants and needs are never to be filled and my wishes are never to be granted. I should know this by now, but it still hurts and surprises me when it doesn't happen.

All I want is to be desired, to be wanted by someone who I want. How can I have lived all this life and still have not had this experience. It's embarrassing if I think about it for too long so I don't allow myself to ever dwell on it. But tonight I'm thinking about it.

This isn't what my self worth is based on. Attractiveness and desirability are not something that I have put my value in since I was in college I would say. I don't think I'm unattractive, I don't instinctively hate what I see in the mirror, but the lack of male attention and interaction leads me to believe that my looks are not enough and therefore I am not enough to receive this kind of attention. It makes me the automatic third wheel, the friend on the sidelines, the reluctant wing woman. My thought every time I go out is to look for all the cute guys but I know that fundamentally I am not allowed to get what I want and that the men I find attractive will not go for me.

This is how it has been. For my whole life. It's not a thing to argue about, it's a fact. The lack of male attention and experiences in my life has stunted my growth as a person. Stunted is a word I think about a lot. It applies to me in many areas. At some point it all just stopped, I reached the top of the amount of attention I could receive. I'm not the main character. Things, especially good things, don't happen for me. Lucky girl syndrome is a lie.

I should be a lot more used to it than I am. The hurt of feeling unwanted is less than in years past but there's still a sting to it. A pang of pain and intrusive thought on how you present.

So, my conclusion from this is that in order to receive the male attention I want I have to become desirable, which in this case means change everything about my appearance. This is where the toxicity comes in.

View it as an experiment. It's for science. Test out my hypothesis that if I change the way I look, maybe the way I act, then I can attract the male attention that I want and do with that what I will. I can craft my look and see what works and what doesn't.

This means contacts, this means no hair on my body, this means dresses, this means tits out, this means short skirts, this means more make up than I normally wear, this means weighing less and eating less, this means working out regularly, this means dressing up more, this means lip gloss, this means bad bitch energy.

I fuckin know how this sounds and I'm aware that this is the anti message that they preach in every female empowerment film. but it's so clear that they don't want me and no one has wanted me for the past hundred years that there's no point in pretending that I'm not right.

I'm a cool person, but I'm not cool enough. Next to my friends, I'm invisible. I don't get approached. I don't get asked out. I don't feel pretty. It's sad really, because I do like myself and I don't have a big problem with my looks but this is getting to me. I had an epiphany one night after going out to drink and I realized the answer was so simple. Change it all.

I'm thinking about if this was a film that I would do all this shit and have a make over and in the end there would be the male friend who said they saw me all along and that I didn't have to change anything about myself and we would go off into the sunset but this is my life and my life hates me and I promise there is no one like that for me.

Maybe I'm setting back feminism with these thoughts but this is how I feel. No guarantee that I'll even follow through with this since I'm a lazy piece of shit.

I'll end this on a more positive note even though I'm not the most positive person. Something that has been helping is a spoken word from one of SZA's new songs.

If they don't want you you're free.

[promptsforthestrugglingauthor]

I'm 14 and almost finished writing a book, (and I'm going to write a sequel after I'm done with the first book.) I want to publish it, but I have no idea how to do so. I also have no idea on how to tell if my book's any good. I haven't shown anyone yet because 1. I'm a super paranoid about people stealing my ideas. 2. I don't really want to show my family since my story's not super "church good". 3. I don't have any friends as a homeschooler, except for a few whom I have no idea how to contact.

Firstly, congratulations on finishing! At your age, I had only ever written maybe one or two chapters in an original work. As for your concerns,

Telling if your book is any good: You can’t, really. What’s good and bad is entirely subjective to the reader. The way I tell if my writing is good or bad is by how it sounds when read aloud, although that’s not always something you can do easily (especially for a while book). Another way is to compare its flow and format to published novels. Does it look like it could sit on a shelf? Does it follow too many cliches?

People stealing your work: This is a completely valid concern, in my opinion. I’ve never personally published any of my original works online in fear of someone taking it. However, there are plenty of communities out there for it (FictionPress, Wattpad, AO3, just your tumblr audience). I wouldn’t press you to post if you aren’t comfortable, though.

Not having friends: I would do whatever you can to get involved in a writing community online, or any sort of (positive, well-regarded) community. While there are some awful, toxic people out there, there are also some real gems. Especially with artistic groups, there are plenty of places for each other to bounce ideas off of and simply relate to one another. I would say take your time getting involved in one of these, until you find one or more people who you really connect with. Build up enough trust that you’re willing to at least share a snippet of work and see how it goes. (I suggest email as the best way around it, as large blocks of texts in messaging systems are very unattractive to read) Fellow artists can be a very valuable resource, but don’t take their word as gospel. We all have our own preferences.

As for publishing…There are a few different ways to go. The most traditional route is to first find an agent. This can be a difficult process and takes quite a bit of research. You’ll usually have to write them a query letter, and based on that they may consider reading your work. Once you have an agent, things can get a bit easier. Can. Publishing houses are always flooded with content, and there are more often than not going to be many rejections. Nowadays, self-publishing is fairly easy. Anyone can publish their own work on Amazon, selling as an e-book, but actually selling is the hard part. You’ll need a decent social media network to sell, or just get really lucky. There are also other services that will print your book for you, and then it’s your job to sell these copies. Whatever the case, publishing is full of headaches and turmoil and work. Not to scare you away from it! I just want you to know what you’re in for. I personally finished writing a novel and decided on a few more drafts before getting in on any of that business, simply because publishing intimidates me, and I want to approach it with the best work I possibly can.

In short, the internet is your friend for all of these things. Everything I learned about publishing is from reading about it in books or online. (Mostly online) There are plenty of resources on how to edit, how to find agents, and communities to lend you an ear if you let them. I wish you the best in your endeavor!

[tamiddyinyourcity]

1:50pm, suck my cock and balls.

Sunday, January 19th of 2020.

I decided to make a vent podcast about my ex.

It was fine.

Even if i did blatantly say i got an eating disorder, depression, and suicidal thoughts upon the ending of a relationship that had never needed to happen.

But, screw that guy. He didn't give a fuck until I actually put my foot down and stated my boundaries, or when I had left him.

Newsflash: maybe don't let random girls dictate your relationship, that they are 100% not fucking involved in.

There was no reason for it. At all. Patrick knew me. Deadass. You think he DIDNT know i wrote on here about him, or my exes, or the things i do? I dont hide shit from people I care about, fuck that girl for ever getting way too nosey for no reason.

What logic is "im just looking at all of her social media to get to know her?", and then..... refusing to get to know me, when given.... several chances, trying to villify me?

You can't be shocked that I'm uncomfortable hearing you talk shit about me and somehow reading miles deep into all of my accounts, then be surprised that I wrote about you on here? (Funny enough, I wrote about her on here, since back then, i didnt know that stalker bitch had found my tumblr and had been actively watching it?)

.....But, whatever. Clowns will be clowns, and I'm not one to wanna be in the circus, not anymore.

Since Patrick could have easily went "you're being weird creeping her accounts", "why haven't you bothered to talk to her if you're so interested?", and "if you realistically can't attend my party, without threatening to sabotage it.... dont show up."

.....

He chose what he chose, and it said all that it needed to.

So, with that said, I think I've stopped wanting him. I just lack joy in him.

Yesterday was very nice, watercoloring and talking in the sun. But, what's the point? There's not really one.

He's still gonna ignore my texts or cancel hangouts, if it means he can hang with the people who openly excluded me.

He can't do anything for me.

He couldn't even shower before a hangout. (I already have such a low bar for men that I'm not dating, but jesus fucking christ, he smelled like he smeared dickcheese all over himself then drove over to pick me up that day....)

He also smelled pretty bad yesterday, but that just seems like his designated scent, so.... ew.

Anyway.

Niggas ain't shit but hoes and tricks.

Gonna do better. Even if it takes longer. Since I could care less if one pile of shit person is slightly less shitty than the men that have approached me so far....

It doesn't mean I have to accept it for what it is.

When the options are "stick around and see if maybe, someday, Patrick will want to fuck you again", or "Accept the fact that you're just gonna have to deal with unhygienic, unattractive, and broke men who care nothing about your needs in life, romance, or sex".... Then I can always choose the secret third option, called "I'm too good for this", and just walk away.

Since even as a friendship, I'd:

Eventually get anxious out of nowhere. Random thoughts of "is he seeing other people? if so, why is he around me? if not, then why does he still wanna see me? is this weird? am i weird?"

Keep having him do that guilty face he does whenever we meet up, looking like he stole a family heirloom or some shit. (He did basically crip walk all over my heart and emotions, but im not even gonna start on that right now...)

Lose interest in seeing him. (The classic case of "im not used to platonic male friends, and especially exes", and preferring the company of someone who can call me hot, instead of someone who's afraid to make direct eye contact... you know?) [Speaking of which, hes still a bit too attractive to fully see as platonic right now. Damn, a cute dude, I'll say...]

It's not a healthy friendship, if I just am hoping to bang. [So no head?.... *SMASH*]

Inevitably it's gonna get confusing.

And I hate his conflict avoidance as a whole. Its the very thing that always caused problems for us.... And, resulted in the ending of an otherwise fine relationship.

.....

I woke up fine. I didn't furiously masturbate cry over them, I felt okay. My mind went offtrack a bit and I thought, "Well, would I be fine seeing him with someone else?"

Yes. Better someone else than me, if we look at how well he's managed to fuck things up with me in a very consistent constant manner.

(I don't like the image of him banging someone else, but that's just gross intrusive thoughts... It'll suck, knowing someone else will be plowed and cuddled and kissed by the person I really liked, buuuut...... Eh, he chose not to do that with me. Didn't value our relationship enough to keep it. And just probably never liked me as much. So, ew, but its better that i leave either way.)

"Do I wanna bang him?"

Probably not.

If I was asked yesterday, it would be a yes. But just reflecting on.... everything, no. He's... different. Even if we fucked, it would be different. It wouldnt be "look at these two cute anxious fucks having fun", it would be me getting fucked, dropped off at home, then ignored and forgotten until it was convenient for him.

"Would I date him again?"

Fuck no.

I'd be flattered at the suggestion, if he did, but he never had. And if it was on my terms to go "Ask him out first! Show him you're interested and he will take the bait!", then I'd rather eat a fucking jean jacket than ever open up to him about my feelings again.

He never listened before. And I don't need another round of, "Everyone else blatantly sees the problem, but you'll deny it, and claim that your stalkery childhood friend, your inability to relate to others emotionally, and your gaslighting nature are just *things im supposed to accept*, and will get condescending if I feel upset hearing that."

Truuuust me. If a fucknigga cant even so much as tell someone to step off, whether its a complete stranger spitting in my face, or one of his supposedly most understanding and close friends trying to tell him not to have me show up to his fucking party...

Then he's shown me how "faithful" he is, and I don't need that trash ass shit in my life.

Go fuck yourself, Patrick.

.......

Hatred aside, I've been doing well today.

Cutting out pictures from magazines to make vision boards, finding funny memes relating to stories I wanna write, feeling good.

Making the podcast made me feel great, honestly.

Since.... If a man doesn't show me that he cares, I have no obligation to him whatsoever.

If I wanna make a podcast that actually has me opening up about my experiences, feeling suicidal, and whatnot... I lose nothing, man.

Since if he was my friend:

I wouldn't be so hesitant to talk about something that had really fucked me up these days. Its been a month since our very first initial breakup, and i want to get over this fuckface as quickly as possible. My method? Venting. Recordings. Podcasts. Its not a good friendship or dynamic, if i either refuse to make content for the sake of pretending nothing bad ever happened between us, or if i make something that could potentially hurt him if he heard it all himself.

I would be healed from everything.

He would've understood why shit was so fucked, and acknowledged it fully.

.....

So, I made the podcast.

No more "what if he does wanna date me someday?", no more "what if he wouldve banged me?", no more "its so close to being like back then!"

No, he won't. He would've if he wanted to

No, he won't. Plus, you can really do better, he was adorable but you can always find someone that you don't feel awkward or bland with in bed.

I don't care. It never will be. For the reasons above; he does not have hidden feelings for you, or feel sorry for anything that he's done. He will never be like he was that day at the Bolt Halloween Party, or at the Ports. He is an entirely new person, and all that lingers is his awkwardness and his mistakes. "A good friend" my ass. He's literally just a constant reminder of how nothing gold can stay, so, fucking leave him.

I never wanted things to get this fucked. Period.

All I wanted were simple things; a nice guy to be with. We'd get food, talk about life here or there, have a good mix of really intelligent versus really really stupid conversations. And if he wanted to fuck, cool. We could drive to his place, bang while watching Murder Party, relax for awhile, then part ways when he went to work.

I didn't expect a relationship; it just so happened to be a really good one.

Then, it ended.

And now, the idea of my ideal situation with him is stained. With memories of crying in my bed over him, not eating for days, and wanting to take my life. And the knowledge of, "he'd do the same things again, in a heartbeat if he could rewind time and try things out."

If I was at gunpoint by a random robber with Azalea, he'd be the one to jump into action, by pushing me at the gunman. :)

If I was in quicksand and had no way to climb out, unless he could manage to get Azalea to grab a branch and drag me out of it, then he'd go, "That seems unfair! What if she got splinters? I cant do that to my best friend, I've known her for years!", and letting me drown.

(Insert another metaphor about him being a people pleasing, conflict avoiding asshole, who doesnt realize he causes more problems than he defuses by running away, and would be more prone to drop me than to even slightly inconvenience that other bitch here.)

Yeah!

A person like that is not a friend. At most, an acquaintance.

I could picture us meeting to paint again, but I doubt we'd ever be close again. Not enough to talk about our past, the present, or the future. It'd be hiding talking about relationships, or wincing at the idea of.... anything past a movie i guess.

He just really made it hard to like him again, and i really dont think i can forgive him again.

:)

2:32pm, I am hungry. Gonna grill me a cheese and continue working on these poster boards... peace and love, fams. Have a nice one.