#and i wouldnt know how that reads to someone who lacks the knowledge of the games

[spookberry]

Do... do danganronpa fans like the anime? I try to avoid the fandom for spoiler reasons generally but ive seen a post or two saying the anime is good when(from the episodes i watched) it is not.

Its SO cheap, like the frame rate is sad. And like yeah sure japanese animation has different standards to western ones, but in a show thats primarily going to be talking you'd think theyd implement more action elsewhere and they really dont. Like theres so many chances to really expand on the game and flesh out the characters in this animated medium but the anime doesnt do that at all. Like I was really looking forward to seeing how they'd interpret how toko fidgets, or Kyoko tucking her hair behind her ear. The game has such fun poses that suggest movement yet the anime fails to deliver. Not to mention almost all the one to one remakes of game scenes or the characters standing still with only their mouths opening. Like I dont mind the trials looking very similar to the game tbh. That seems like a fun reference for the fans and shortcut so they could use their energy elsewhere, only they didn't really put the energy elsewhere.

I guess the anime got in some more dynamic shots that we couldn't have had with the games being 1st person perspective, but even those are usually just stills that flash by in montages rather than anything super interesting.

[pestorik]

can you please expand on deuce/riddle ??? im rlly curious abt them tgt in your AU,,,,

(if you have the time i would also love to read abt azurid & mallerid :D ! no pressure though! im mostly interested in deurid ^^)

the riddle ship trifecta...

i enjoy them bc i think riddle really needs a calm presence in his life that makes him feel like he can act in ways he never had the freedom to do before, without feeling judged or made fun of. whether that is acting childish and silly or just expressing emotion freely. he's obviously really sensitive to being teased so he needs someone who is ok with that and just finds joy in his joy.

i relate to this a lot bc i myself am a very sensitive person, and get emotional really easy but im also very cynical and dry, so i think ppl see that contrast and find it funny. which is fine, but i get hurt or annoyed really easily by teasing bc i think what i really want is for someone to see how easily i get emotional (like crying at almost every movie i watch) and rather than seeing it as smth weird and funny, they recognize my empathy as something good. i want someone to see the value and worth in my emotions, no matter how trivial they seem.

and i think riddle needs that too. deuce isnt super smart but i think he's really earnest and riddle would appreciate that about him. he shows a lot of self awareness in recognizing how his past actions hurt his mom, and realizing he needs to be proactive if he wants to be a better person. very few ppl are willing to admit when they are the problem. he's just a very soft guy, but like, passionately soft. he wants so bad to be good. and i think he would want so badly for riddle to be happy, it would become really important to him just like his mom's happiness.

malleus is super honest about his intentions, which i think riddle needs bc his lack of social skills leave him anxious. he probably would get too frustrated having to play games and guess feelings. malleus just has a super calming presence and riddle needs that so bad. i think they are both pretty awkward bc of their upbringing so maybe they could find comfort in each other, knowing there's no judgement.

azul is none of these things lol 😂 i do NOT think these 2 would be a perfect healthy couple but i enjoy their dynamic. riddle is sensitive ofc but hes also super smart which is why i like the thought of them together. the two top students, not really in a competitive way, more like they recognize each other's weaknesses but also highly respect each other. to the point that they wouldnt ever make a move against the other. i could see them having a more loving relationship but in my mind they are more like a power couple lmao. like two powerhouses joining forces. i do think seeing riddle trying to overcome his own trauma and be a nicer person could inspire azul to do smth similar, realizing that if he likes and respects riddle, there must be some value in kindness without reward.

none of these would be canon in the AT au unfortunately, at least not in my mind (you can do whatever you like with it tho, it also doesnt mean i wont still talk/draw about it). there would definitely still be interactions among them with plenty of room for interpretation. obviously the most between deuce and riddle bc they are both HL.

i could see an episode where riddle recruits deuce to help him repair one of the elephant guardians (since deuce is good at repairing stuff) and they become closer. bc deuce used to get up to a lot of trouble he also has a lot knowledge of some of the rougher parts of the kingdom (im referring to deuces former crew as the spoiled fruit gang) and probably accompanies riddle when he needs to go there. riddle might sometimes go to deuce for advice on his relationship w his mother, since deuce is close w his mom. it would be cute if deuces mom came to really adore riddle and gave him a lot of the experiences he didnt get w his own mother.

[marunalu]

Careful long rant incomming! If you are a bakugou fan its better to not read any further, so you are warned!

So regarding the new chapter. Well, like I already said, when I actually didnt believe hori could turn bakugous fake death and resurrecction even more terrible then it already was to begin with, he surprised me again. Its just SO bad!!! I have no idea what he thought when he wrote that bullshit and I really dont get how some people can defend it. I have seen many MANY terrible written fake deaths in fiction, but bakugous takes the crone! It didnt contributed ANYTHING to the story! It was just there to shock the readers and that backfired so hard that even hardcore bakugou fans were like "yeah right.... as if hori has the balls to kill his biggest money maker off". It was written in such a cheap way that NO ONE believed even for a second that bakugou would really stay dead and it pissed people on both sides (bakugou lovers and haters) off! And then, just to proof that it was indeed just for the shock value, right in the next chapter best jeanist and edgeshot come to the rescue. And in fact the most unlogical rescue I have EVER seen in shonen! They do a heart surgery on bakugou IN THE MIDDLE OF A BATTLEFIELD, with edgeshot desinfecting himself with SOAP BUBBLES before entering bakugous body and him and best jeanist stitching up bakugous RAPTURED heart and the hole in his chest, without giving him any oxygen or a blood transfusion for 30 MINUTES and he still didnt fucking die!!! Two guys with ZERO medical knowledge managed all of this, but now comes the best!!! They couldnt make his freshly operated heart beat again (lets also completly ignore the bloodlose and lacking oxygen!!!) so WHAT does it instead? A FUCKING SWEATDROP?????? THAT EXPLODED IN HIS BODY AND MADE HIS HEART BEAT AGAIN??????

WHAT THE FUCK HORI????? 🤣🤣🤣🤣 How can anyone defend that shit?!?! Listen you dont need to be a medical genius to know that a small exlosion near a heart will absolutely not make it beat again!!! Honestly I think, just like @tengoku-izumi mentioned in the comment section of one of my posts that hori is aware how terrible he fucked up bakugous "death" and resurrecction to the point even bakugou fans had to facepalm themself and now is desperately trying to explain his crap writing. There was ZERO reason for this! Bakugous "death" didnt do ANYTHING for the story! If he wanted bakugou out of the way for a while to focus on other characters he didnt had to "kill" him just to resurrecct him in the VERY NEXT chapter! And now he didnt even had the balls to kill off edgeshot despite that it was said, he wouldnt be able to return! 🤣🤣🤣

Absolutely no one of the hero side fucking dies in this final WAR, how I am supposed to care or be worried about the chatacters if I know for a fact that hori doesnt have the balls to kill them off. Its supposed to be a war! People DIE in war and not only the bad guys! At this point he could rip someones head off and I wouldnt be worried at all that the character doesnt survive!

Now lets go to the bakugou vs afo fight. First off, the mere thought that bakugou should be able to FIGHT after he just woke up from a heart surgery, lost A LOT of blood, didnt got any oxygen for HALF AN HOUR, but still for some fucking reason can fight against the main villain now, is the most utterly ridiculous plot armour shit I have ever seen! He shouldnt even be able to MOVE!! And now BAKUGOU gets to fight the main villain AGAIN, not the actual mc of the story, NO the most horrible written side character in shonen history?!?! Are you fucking kidding me??? 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

It almost feels like as if hori all of a sudden realized that bakugou is the only more prominent character in the story who doesnt have his own villain and was like: "uhmmm well uhhhhhh.... lets just give him the main villain then." At this point its not my hero academia anymore but "bakugous hero academia". Not only is he the one who safes all might (I would be fine with that even if he shouldnt be able to move in his condition), he also gets to fight the main villain, while the mcs fight against shigaraki till to this point happend almost completly OFFSCREEN!!!

There is just one good thing about the fact that bakugou fights afo. It proofes even more that there is a connection between afo and izuku. Hori really REALLY doesnt want izuku and afo to interact (yet) with each other! He is hiding something. There is no reason to not let afo and izuku see and interact with each other. Afo is the main villain and NOT ONCE did he and izuku directly talk or see each other face to face. And I think its maybe because izuku would recognize afo. There is no reason otherwise. Hori could still make bakugou fight against afo, AFTER afo managed to reach izuku and tomura but he stupornly makes sure afo and izuku dont interact and thats suspicious as hell! Also Im still confident that afo has an ace up his sleeve (like the overhaul quirk for example). Also this is the perfect oppunity for afo to mention little tsubasa (on of bakugous childhood friends/minions) and to explain what happend to him. Espicially if afo actually wanted to turn bakugou into a nomou, but he had to be fine with tsubasa, because bakugou was always to close to izuku to vanish unnoticed.

All in all it was an horrible written chapter. The worst hori has written so far. Bakugous plot armour really destroys this manga for me. I think I really need a break.

[0seraptor0]

A theory made by me and my friend: part 4

Hello everyone I’m the Whitepine community. Me and my friend have spent the past hour making up theories. They may be quite long but we’d love for you to read them!!

4. Another key moment how ivory has a connection to the piano i like how it is most likely this piano is made using pine and ivory keys its almost clearly pointing out the fact it is some sort of ivory piano.

I also would like to acknowledge Who is the one conspiring? i believe it to be either the butler or clown It is possible there is more characters we haven’t acknowledged yet. Clown is possibly trying to hide something as around when they are reading the letters the liberation letter clearly spells out “help” we do not know what this could mean besides the fact it is a secret code asking for help that is my suspicion on clown. But another suspicion my friend found is the butler. When we bump into the butler he says “im just a butler” is he though? think about it ivory is new has noway to confirm this and hasnt met the maids/butlers offically this gives a great opportunity for the butler to lie about their identity giving them the perfect way to find a way to posion another victim. Someone also mentioned (whoever they are we give you credit for this) mentioned because of the sudden deaths in the mill and lack of food Whitepine and the hemlockes decide to invite new workers so they can help people as they seem to be a kind family who wouldnt want people to suffer starvation and overworking. Maybe the butler came from this mill having knowledge about what the hemlock plant can do and plots to kill everyone within the household.

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 / Part 4 / Part 5

[uter-us]

it's funny how y'all can't define what a woman is either. i'd like to see you define what a woman is without excluding ANY cis women. "oh a woman is someone with two x chromosomes ! ☝🏿🤓" uh oh! cis women who have turner syndrome are only born with one x chromosome and cis men who have Klinefelter syndrome have an extra x chromosome! "Someone who can give birth" so we're just gonna ignore the millions of women who can't give birth and now they aren't women anymore? "no,no,no someone who has a euterus!" how about the cis women who get hysterectomies or are born without euteruses? guess they aren't women to you! and then when y'all are all out of options, you say "adult human female." re-read what i said and replace the word "woman" with "female" you're in the same predicament buddy!

(woman = adult human female)

female = the sex that produces large gametes (ova)

check out this link if you want more information on the sex binary

i think this argument is silly anyway cuz yall do know who is female and who is male. trans terminology relies on knowing who is female and who is male, or else “trans woman” could apply to both female and male people. but you know what sex applies to which person, or those terms (same with ones like mtf and ftm) wouldnt be in rotation. but somehow radfems can't know who is female and who is male? imo its j weird! and surreal that i used to say this type of thing w my whole chest too. dont attack this person cuz thats unnecessary and their lack of knowledge isnt malicious they j dont know (sorry anon if i sound condescending. im rereading that it kinda does but idk how else to phrase it without sounding like that. its not my intention). i used to think this same thing and i might not have been open to changing if people came at me for not knowing stuff.

if i defined women as "cis women, trans men, and afab nonbinary people," is it clearer who i am talking about?

anon, come out in the open and tell me your problems with gender criticism ! id love to talk!

[spikeinthepunch]

YW talks again lol....

I certainly had mixed thoughts on Madness' forum posts which sparked the thoughts in me about making political discussion and learning more accessible to those without that knowledge. i know full well that forum thread wasn't to educate forum readers- but the way of going over the Why's of closure and especially the apparent intent of a social movement never blatantly said while, dividing their hopeful followers into those who understood and those who didn't, seem to feel alienating and almost frustrating in that moment.

there is an extent where i get it- trying to form a movement with people who really understand the message is important as to not lead a group with mixed ideas that come out as not lining up. but hearing a person speaking from a place that is so above the level of knowledge most people have and not finding ways to encourage searching for resources to be aware of a deeper movement is upsetting from the pov of someone like me who has the drive to be part of that movement-- and while yes, i wouldnt exactly have to learn more of the intense subject to be in a social movement (massive movements in the past dont have people going to the library to read up on marxism or whatver!).... why isnt there encouragement to do so espcially when it feels like some of that failure was finding people who could Get It? i cannot shake the feeling that some people behind such a movement felt people were lacking in that knowledge enough that they weren't fulfilling a role they wanted to see filled for that social movement, even though no one is exactly at fault in the end for the movement not meeting expectations (it was also due to the stress of handling the social community) or people not moving past the nostalgia scene of web revival.

however i am not here to repeat myself from my blog-- Sadness' way of speaking about the closure and their new manifesto are easier to digest. better even, as i saw Sadness spoke on the forum that really it wasnt their expectation that YW would like... turn into all this. It grew very quick and they really didnt not plan for it to turn into a much more deep social movement- and they weren't against it. they agreed with the message and i do too. obviously the failure to continue really comes down to the speed of growth espcially in regards to moderating a social community. but past that, their manifesto that was updated it like. idk. its just easier to take in versus the forum posts namely made by Madness as much as I get the importance of the more academic discussions around all this.

i do suggest you read their thoughts on how to look at the current web. In the end the Web Revival isn't about the old aesthetic websites. If you plan for that to be all you do thats fine, but its your art and your project, whatever. You can give into nostalgia. But please do think just a little deeper. web revival was always about wanting to detach from the mainstream, say no to the trends of social media, stick it to the man or whatever. You cannot ignore that! and you learning just a little bit about why and how to think about the way you approach it is important. and don't feel like youre left out because you dont do the academic level studies about politics... you can seek it out if you wish, but really all you need is the drive to become away of your online presence, and how to redirect from what the internet makes the norm.

additionally in the end it should be obvious i dont have issues with how ppl like Madness spoke on that forum, or the ideas and thoughts they had about what went wrong w attempting the movement. for one the way it all went down makes perfect sense to me. what they failed to do made sense. what ideas they wanted to project make sense to me. i more so get simply frustrated at the feeling of something 'larger than' its followers that maybe could have been taught in an accessible way, and a more clear way, because i do feel like part of its failure was from some kind of assumption that the movement could be realized even if people only had vague hints of what they were pushing.

[dia-disappointment]

i think the theory of him being raised as a witch cultist is a interesting one?

hence why is drenched in the smell of the witch, knows alot about their plans and his lack of understanding about the world around him. even the reason why he doesnt know about the witch cult because what do you mean the guy in a robe is a witch cultist thats just jerry the guy who makes bad pasta?

im currently only on arc 5 but i think that there was some meantion of otto having to decode the gospel??? so that might explain why he cant read but can fluent write absolute gibberish.

it could also explain why he was so in love with emilia and wouldnt understand why it was weird bc he would have been raised in an environment that praised the WoE. i think after arc 3 theyd stop worrying about him loving the WoE look alike and not emilia. with how much he vividly hated bettleguese for his plans for the ordeal i think itd be fine

i think i remember a scene where he was slightly sympathetic to the witch cult in arc 3, about how they might have been brainwashed or smth and that would probably set off some flags. someone who was raised in lugunica would either be terrified of the witch cult or at least know to not be openly sympathetic of them. the fact he immediately went to brainwashing would be really weird. meanwhile its kinda just common knowledge most people join cults through manipulation in japan and his lack of exposure to war making him more empathetic.

some of the cast would probably be vemently against this theory, but i feel like the majority wouldnt really care after he really gets into his witch cult slaying mojo. ram i think would the one who might deserve to be the most angry but isnt thanks to her whole thing about putting her emotions over those of the dead and to her subarus kinda just an idiot.

i think the biggest issue is how fondly he thinks of his family and how visibly homesick he is, but with the brainwashing thing they might put their own conclusion together that this joining emilias camp, naming himself as her knight and then drawing the wcs attention by killing some of their vips, it might come off that hes trying to meet with them again which might draw some other reactions wether they think hes homesick enough to try and bring them into the camp/ him go back with them or unbrainwash them while being entirely underprepared to do so.

What are your favorite plausible in-universe theories that the characters have to explain Subaru’s many eccentricities? I’ll go first:

Subaru was a soldier of some sort who served Lady Emilia as one of her only subjects, but after an encounter with the White Whale he lost his Name and thus nobody remembers anything about him beyond the day he saved Emilia from an assassin. The Whale also stole almost all of his memories, which is why he’s illiterate and also lacks common sense most of the time.

[vampkomori]

the TMGB theory

i think theres a bit more to Shinjukus “destruction” if we shift our attention to its most iconic landmark, the tokyo metropolitan government building. 

Note: this theory is just for fun. but I think it has a good shot at estimating the future higher plane storyline

Before we get into the details of the TMGB, lets first establish something about the purification of Shinjuku

This dialogue from w2d4 is about much detail as we’ll get about what happened to Shinjuku, and what effect its “destruction” had on the RG. It was “wiped out” “erased” and “vanished”; nobody in the RG remembers it, except for the people that had been in the UG before.

Well “how can a whole city just vanish?” the answer is: it cant. But lets first bring this visual aid into play

Shinjuku used to be just north of Shibuya, but its not gone in the sense that it left a hole in reality and people just black out whenever they pass through. No, it seems like Shinjuku as an established district is gone, meaning its borders were never drawn, and all its space was instead given to all the other districts.

Basically, instead of “vanishing”, its more like memories and history were rewritten so that Shinjuku was just never a thing. Instead, the other districts just expanded their reach and parts of formerly-Shinjuku are now parts of other cities.

I believe this has to be the case because the alternative brings more trouble than its worth: If it was truly erased to a point where the space it formerly occupied is just empty, people would notice. But as we see with rindo and the others, they dont! rindo had no idea there was even a city up there. Itd also make no sense if people just blacked out and suddenly ended up on the other side of Tokyo, itd mess with measurements bc theres just a bunch of space unaccounted for. people with a 6th sense would also have picked up on the area being iffy, but none of this seems to be the case

Now we can get to the tokyo metropolitan government building! Its pretty important considering its uh. The government. And also shinjukus most iconic landmark. If the city had actually been destroyed, then thered be severe consequences in the RG because their government building is suddenly just gone. A simple memory wipe could not make up for it not existing, and it definitely couldnt just magically conjur up a new building within moments. (I mean, whose jurisdiction would this even fall under? The other Composers would fight over whod get to have the literal government in their city)

Suffice to say “Shinjuku” still exists in the RG. Its just broken up into pieces and those are considered part of the other cities now.

So, if Shinjukus RG is fine, what about its UG?

What we see in A New Day may actually just be Shinjukus UG slowly fading into another plane. 

To backtrack a little, theres a reason the Shibuya UG we’re in during neo doesnt include its newly gained parts of shinjuku, its because Shinjukus UG also still exists, and as neku says “it’s still there, but it’s been cut off from both the RG and the UG.” so its inaccessible. Also meaning, it cant be broken up and added to the expansion of the other UGs. if someone were to, theoretically, die in the RG of the areas that were formerly part of shinjuku, theyd simply go to the UG of whichever district claimed that area, and just wouldnt be able to access that other area in that UG

Now that thats out of the way we can go back to the actual star of the show: the tokyo metropolitan government building! Needless to say, whichever district has the literal government within its borders is bound to be incredibly influential.

And it just so happens

That the TMGB now falls into Shibuyas borders!

I believe this may be the key to the future relevance of Shibuya. The city is already extremely influential, as joshua himself said

Shibuyas influence is too strong.

So strong in fact, it could potentially “poison” the other districts. Now imagine how powerful Shibuya would be if you added the Government into the mix.

Additionally, Shibuya is already considered special by the Higher Plane due to the Shibuya River.

The Shibuya River is a particularly unique place, though we dont know which exact properties make it so unique, the fact that it started flowing into its own plane even after its source was destroyed already marks it as incredibly powerful.

So Shibuya as a place is impressively influential, so itd be no surprise if the Higher Plane kept an eye out for it, but if there was any doubt about this,

Due to the events of og twewy, the city is also considered to have reached its ideal state. Without a doubt this only adds to its already impressive level of power, and basically assures that the Angels keep an eye out for the city even after the Game between Joshua and Megumi was over.

But then why were they suddenly so insistent on seeing Shibuya purified in neo? Well, we dont know. Despite mentioning purification so often and the fact that Angels seem to encourage it, we dont actually know why the Higher Plane wants to see Shibuya purified. By all means, it should be an optimal parallel world now, so why would they suddenly want to see it gone?

The key may actually be Joshua himself. After all, he intended to stop Shinjukus purification. Though we dont know why he interfered, whether it was out of a newfound appreciation for humanity that went beyond his own city, or if he actually wanted to prevent the TMGB from falling into his borders, he was actively going against what the Higher Plane wanted, which would automatically mark him as a nuisance in their plans. Surely by purifying Shibuya, its entire area and also the area it claimed from Shinjuku, would once again fall into the borders of another district, and thus another Composer. 

Its difficult to say whether this is an overarching plan from the Higher Plan that has spanned across both games. If youve read my post about Composers, which is about how Hazuki may actually be a demoted Angel from the Higher Plane, it could be possible that his demotion was on purpose, and that they intended for Haz to purify Shinjuku, therefore making Shibuya more powerful due to the TMGB falling into its borders. He would be the ideal candidate for this, as hes considered unsympathetic and lacks knowledge about the lower planes (and thus doesnt know about the TMGB), making it extremely easy to influence him to erase his city. (though you could also claim he was in on it, but then later changed his mind about it and decided to intervene with Shibuya’s destruction, once again due to Joshua’s influence)

Either way, Shibuya was saved! (again!) and now its more influential and powerful than ever. No doubt even more people would want to come after Shibuya’s seat of Composer, just to govern this massively important city. 

And who else still desires this seat other than our favourite math guy

The fact that his plotline about still wanting to go after the Composer is tucked away in the Secret Ending of Another Day, means that this still has to be followed up on in a potential next game. 

And what better scenario to bring this up than Shibuya being highly sought after due to its recently acquired influence-boost in the form of the government

and to summarize everything once more for extra clarity

Shinjuku wasnt destroyed so much as history was just overwritten so that Shinjuku as a district was never established, causing its area to be split up amongst the other districts. the TMGB now falls into the borders of Shibuya, and with it comes even more power and influence. Shibuya as a city already had an intense amount of influence over tokyo, and even the Shibuya River is so unique that it catches the attention of the Higher Plane. Despite Shibuya having reached its ideal state of being an optimal parallel world, the Higher Plane still wants to see it purified for some reason. Though we dont know why yet, it may be because of Joshua, the fact that hes Shibuyas Composer, and that he willfully goes against the Higher Plane, most notably when he interfered to prevent Shinjukus Inversion. Whether Hazuki is aware of an overarching plan or not, Joshua still influenced him to a point where he also decided to go against the Higher Plane by saving Shibuya. With Minamimoto still wanting the Composer’s seat, it sets the tone of Shibuya’s throne being more sought-after than ever. And the Higher Plane may be more relevant than ever to make sure this influential district falls into the hands of one of their own

this concludes my case

[totowlff]

I would also like to give you some feedback. First of all, I love your fanfiction! 💗

When you mentioned that we as the readers are going to hate someone, I thought his ex wife makes an appearance and tries to get the kids involved in a bad way. I wouldn't have thought of the mother in law at all 😅 Do we get to meet Miss Laudas' mother and how she feels about Toto? (Surely she likes him and puts up with the two of them, contrary to Matthias or Niki).

About the last chapter: I was a bit baffled that Aurelie met both the children and his mother. As a serious girlfriend, I would have been really sad/mad about that and would show it to Toto. Because Miss Lauda has had problems from the beginning to allow the relationship because of her father and seems to have her own problems somehow... The mother's reaction shocked me and I'm curious why she was so mean to her. To be honest, thinking that your future daughter-in-law uses your son for money and won’t even let her finish sentences, and trying to get to know her, isn’t a good reason to write her off. Furthermore if Joanna is now trying to be nice to her because she knows Miss Lauda comes from a rich family and earns her own money, I would be pissed and would speak up.. because then Totos‘ mother is superficial AF, which she could be cause her son is richie rich and provides for her. But that should not be a decisive criterion to determine whether a gf would be good enough for her son or not. I‘m curious of what his sister thinks about her and above all, if Miss Lauda will feel comfortable in their presence. I kind of feel like we‘ll get a lot of drama from them and I hope he sticks to his girlfriends‘ side 🌻

first of all, thanks for reading my works. it means the world for me!

now, to the answers!

I thought his ex wife makes an appearance and tries to get the kids involved in a bad way.

i take a lot from the real life to build the star-crossed world, and something i was sure i wanted it to have was toto's (and miss lauda's) relationship with stephanie (toto's ex-wife). he always praised her for her efforts to make their family work after the divorce and, in this story, wouldnt be different. if i can say something about it, is that miss lauda respect her a lot and is very careful to not overstep in her role with the kids. she loves ben and rosa, but she knows her place.

Do we get to meet Miss Laudas' mother and how she feels about Toto?

miss lauda's mom is marlene, she already has appeared in a bunch of occasions, so, she is not unknown to you all. as you could see in barbarazweige, she is quite anxious to see her daughter settled and, in under the spotlight, she was hanging out with toto, so, our dear austrian is not a stranger to her. but, if the couple will please marlene? only time will tell.

As a serious girlfriend, I would have been really sad/mad about that and would show it to Toto.

the first thing toto did was to acknowledge his mistake in presenting aurélie to the kids and to his mom. but, this was, in a sort of way, his way to convince himself about that relationship and, at the same time, to leave miss lauda behind. as we could see, he failed.

The mother's reaction shocked me and I'm curious why she was so mean to her.

here i go in defense of my own characters. it sounds kinda cliché to a mother-in-law to dislike her daughter-in-law, but the point here is that joanna, after her divorce from sven, toto's father, had to focus totally in her job and in provide to her family. this made her distant from her children, but this doesnt means she doesnt love toto and lili, in any way. however, it means she is not exactly familiar with her childrens struggles, efforts and opinions. so, her hesitation to accept miss lauda comes, first of all, from her lack of knowledge about her own son and his struggles in order to stay with her. toto, in her vision, is a very resolute man who knows what he wants and, when he presents aurélie to her, is because shes the one, because the last time he presented a woman to her, it was stephanie and he married her. but, a year later, here he is, presenting another girl to her. shes is very confused.

Furthermore if Joanna is now trying to be nice to her because she knows Miss Lauda comes from a rich family and earns her own money, I would be pissed and would speak up.. because then Totos‘ mother is superficial AF, which she could be cause her son is richie rich and provides for her.

she saw (from distance, but saw) her son struggle and battle to build what he has. she knows how hard toto worked and, most of all, there is her love for her grandchildren, who benefit from all of it. and she goes to a restaurant and her son present her a pretty young woman, dressed elegantly and with a huge ring in her finger as his girlfriend. she asks about her job and she doesnt answer. there is a miscommunication of both parts in that point and she concludes the obvious: a gold-digger. however, miss lauda manages to speak and show her credentials. she is a businesswoman, she is graduated, she is independent and all she has wasnt bought for her, but by her (minus the ring, that was a gift from toto and the kids). there is a surprise from joannas side too, because she doesnt expect that. but there is some relief too, despite she could have deducted only for the fact toto wouldnt be a kind of guy to let be used. and we go back to the answer above: joanna is not familiar with her childrens opinions.

I‘m curious of what his sister thinks about her and above all

im also curious. any guesses?

[probably-haven]

after binge reading i have come to a new revelation: I’m not a fan of most Xiaoven fanfics

Don’t get me wrong, I love the ship and its one of my favorite to think about.... but most of the fanfiction for the ship just- doesn’t sit right with me for a number of reasons. 

Disclaimer: these are personal opinions from my own taste and are in no way an attack against any authors out there, because frankly fanfic authors are great and not like i could do better lol. As these are personal opinions, I acknowledge here and now that a number of people disagree and that they are under no obligation to change their opinions in any way as it is not and never will be my intention to tell others what they should be thinking That said- read at your own risk if you want- meh, anyway-

time to share some opinions that have been on my mind lately

The biggest reason.... is how they handle Xiao. And I don’t even mean mischaracterization because Xiao is such a complex and yet simultaneously simple character that as long as you’re somewhere in the range of “Xiao vibes” it’s really hard to write him out of character because of his complexities. What I mean is something that i actually completely agree with as being accurate to his character. In nearly every single fanfic I’ve seen, there is some element of idolization that Xiao has for Venti, or for the sake of reference, Barbatos. He tends to think himself beneath Barbatos and/or indebted to him, whether that be because he’s an archon, because he saved him, or simply because of Xiao’s tendency to dehumanize(yes i see the irony in that word usage) himself.  This by itself isn’t an issue but its often how this trait of his is treated.

Imma just list a few ways I’ve seen this be handled within Xiaoven fics. - It isn’t handled, it’s just there and accepted as a part of who he is in the story - It isn’t handled but his trait is treated as source of humor within the story - Venti(and others) roll with it (finding humor in it, just cant change it, encouraging it, making jokes about it, etc.) - Venti takes advantage of it(whether accidentally or purposely) - it’s actually addressed(by Venti or someone else or the narration- can go a number of ways, but just- even a brief reference to the fact that its not a good mindset fits in here) - savior!Venti(Where venti disagrees with it but the way it’s written gives off “god among mortals” vibes- like he’s just being humble and truly is above him in reality) - its the focus of the story  - not directly addressed but shown to be destructive.  - they chose not to not include this in the story’s characterization of Xiao(just saying that this is valid ahead of time) Theres others but i have a lot already.  Note that I tend to read more ‘serious-toned’(idk if that makes sense) fics so that may skew my perception

Now there’s a few that i have issues with on their own- both instances of it not being handled, Venti(and others) rolling with it, Venti takes advantage of it(purposely(and without good intent)), and savior!Venti. Xiao not only has this trait, but he is unfamiliar with what is normal in relationships or emotions as a result of isolation and inexperience. He is also either not aware of or not concerned with what is considered strictly “healthy.” Combining these makes for a rather dangerous combination and just accepting it as “oh he’s just like that, it’s who he is” or making it out to be something funny- It’s not wrong or bad by any means necessarily, and I could still possibly enjoy it to an extent depending on a series of different factors, but its- not as often.  Even in the case where I do enjoy reading it however, I would still feel uncomfortable sharing it with or recommending it to others because in the first instance it feels like normalizing a destructive and dangerous mindset, and in the second case it does the same while simultaneously making a joke of it. It’s the same deal with Venti or other characters rolling with it, but that’s probably gonna be mentioned later too. Not to say that this is a “wrong” way to handle it, that it makes the fic bad, or that authors even are normalizing anything by doing so, just that in my specific instance- not a fan. 

I’ll get to the others when i talk more about Venti, but for now: It’s the focus of the story. I think I saw like... 2? where the story was like- focused on this and why its a problem which- power to them, address those real world problems like a boss- but also i wouldn’t actively seek it out or anything- like, good job, but doing so just leaves it open neutrally for other factors to decide how good a story i think it is. 

not directly addressed but shown to be destructive. You’d think i wouldn’t like this- but frankly in fanfiction not everyone wants to address every character flaw verbally because it can through off story, narration, dialogue, and general flow to do so. This can be with an event, an action, a dialogue, a mere comment, making it actually fit into the it’s actually addressed category except that its- subtle enough to make its own category. plus i live for show not tell- in everything- its a thing. im- very much a fan of when the fics do this but the subtlety is easy to miss and its not common so- 

It’s actually adressed- doesnt have to be a lot- just mention anywhere or imply anywhere that maybe idolizing someone as a god and savior and being in a relationship with them while having little knowledge of standards, emotions, relationships, or healthy behaviors in general- maybe isnt the smartest idea in the word. (”Call me Venti, not Barbatos” by itself is not enough to fit in this category tho as a note)

-

Now lets talk about Venti...

uh.... those who have followed me for awhile will probably already know this but... I have a lot of opinions on Venti and a pretty- “niche(?)” perception of his characterization that isn’t shared by a lot of others- so I don’t actually read as much Venti fanfic in general as you might expect because I often end up disagreeing with how writers portray him, which again, in no way is their characterization wrong, but- “their perceived truth” conflicts with “my perceived truth” and by extent so does the characterization, though neither is any more correct than the other from an objective point of view, if that makes sense... but anyways now that that’s said, moving on before this becomes a philosophy lecture, as fun as that would be for me.  I’ll try to keep my “perceived truth” out of this for the first bit. 

Venti’s response to this: 

He rolls with it: this depends on the mood of the fanfiction. If they dont put a lot of stress on that trait of Xiao’s it totally fine but if the trait seems to be a major part of Xiao’s character, it seems like normalization once more. (more on this later)

he takes advantage of it purposely: if its an AU or something and Venti’s like a villain(i saw a few) then- villain venti isnt my cup of tea but i have no qualms. If they don’t portray Venti in a negative light while having him take advantage however that’s a bit uncomfortable to read for me because it feels like normalizing taking advantage of that mindset as well as the mindset itself. However, i did see a number of instances of Venti using it as leverage for like- self care- which i definitely have no qualms. Xiao: [insert probably destructive idolizing statement about being indebt] Venti: How bout you pay me back by actually sleeping for once smh or other variations are okay and depending on the vibe are actually a really fun dynamic as long as it doesnt turn into romanticizing or normalizing it, y’know?

Venti accidentally taking advantage of it.... I love angst- and in most of these theres a sense of guilt when he realizes- and i just think thats a lovely way of addressing the dangers of such a mindset for both sides. As long as it doesn’t keep repeating to the point of romanticization its totally cool to read in my eyes(not irl ofc). If Venti never realizes he accidentally took or is taking advantage it feels a bit like normalization, and if he does but just- doesn’t care thats- a rip.

savior!Venti...... i- i hate. the story giving off vibes that Xiao’s mindset is technically correct while Venti oh so humbly tells him to treat him as an equal like the wonderful and charitable person he is.... i just- no. of course thats over dramatizing it- I think the main thing that gives it this vibe is when Venti doesn’t seem either concerned, surprised, uncomfortable, or otherwise have a negative feeling towards Xiao’s mindset. Just- it makes the whole thing weird in my eyes when Venti doesnt really seem to have his own reason to oppose the mindset idk- 

-

fact time!

Venti is the god of freedom. His backstory is freeing Mondstadt from a god’s tyrannical reign. His origin is a windsprite, just another breeze bringing changes for the better. His form is a nameless boy who played an instrument and then died, thus failing at his only dream and only ever accomplishing anything because of the help of others. He slept for a thousand years after the archon war to avoid putting Mond under the rule of yet another tyrannical god. He only even became a god because Andrius chose to let him. He wouldn’t have even had that chance if the nameless bard had survived, he’d remain just another wind while his friend ascended to godhood. Venti sacrifices his own power for his people’s freedom. 

now that I’ve laid out a number of canon facts, time for opinions:

Venti has little to no desire to be seen as a god. He thrives in, comes from, and emphasizes a lack of superiority in quite nearly everything. The first Ragnvindir, who canonically turned his back on Venti after Decarabian’s fall, likely did so because one- he anticipated power would corrupt and Venti would soon become just another tyrannical god, two- he suspected Venti used the nameless bard in an attempt to rise to godhood, or three- idk insert other possibilities to acknowledge again that i could totally be wrong.

Look me in the eyes and tell me Venti wouldnt trade godhood for his friend in an instant. His godhood was only granted to him because his friend died and could easily serve to constantly remind him of what could have been and what he lost. Venti takes no enjoyment from being seen as superior and in my opinion, I feel that it could actually make him largely uncomfortable when his divinity and abilities as an archon get involved-

also self promotion for my favorite posts- check out #archon war era venti if thats interesting to you

so anyway Venti rolling with it or making jokes about it just doesn’t sit right with me.- 

-

Okay! enough talking about that mindset!

idk- i have... a few/lot of other gripes and stuff or just things that kinda throw off the vibe for me but that’s the main one plus my general personal pickiness when it come to Venti fanfics- but this has gotten long enough already- 

idk i just felt like rambling about it and i haven’t done a long post in a while so-

again, I love the ship and its actually one of my favorites- just the fanfic isnt my thing..... that doesn’t mean i don’t still love it and come up with a whole ton of brainrot and ideas on it tho lmao

[raevenlywrites]

Okay, so. The point I wanted to make earlier was something like this:

TL;DR: Not knowing that hyperfixations were a thing hurt me, and cost me not only enjoyment of a thing, but more serious social and emotional growth potential. More kids need access to a broader range of what Normal is, and Normal needs to be opened up and expanded to include things that are perfectly harmless because the harm of excluding those things is immeasurable.

(Did I just put a tldr at the START of my post? why yes I did. why? because i’m about to drop this entire damned ESSAY under a read more because it’s dash destroying (think of it as an abstract on a scientific paper) ... (no, it is nothing like an abstract on a scientific paper. wtf did I say that) ... (anyways))

(Can you tell its an ADHD night? are there enough parenthetical asides in this yet?)

...

(no)

.

ANYWAYS

When I was a teen, I read a book called In The Forests Of The Night. I’m sure you’ve heard me mention it before, but believe it or not, it was only TONIGHT that it occurred to me that this book and its fellows is my hyperfixation. Because, for the first TWO THIRDS OF MY LIFE, I didn’t know to think of myself as someone with hyperfixations. Hell, I didn’t even know what a hyperfixation was. I am one of the countless adults who has self diagnosed as ADHD or autistic or SOMETHING, and this is the story of how not having a diagnosis growing up hurt me.

So. I read this book. My now-wife-then-unbeknownst-crush gave it to me as part of our ignorant teen courtship. You’ll like this, she said, trying to share an interest with me in order to bond. Thank you, I said, not knowing I wanted to smooch her face. Unimportant, but I like reminding myself when I look at back my teen years how queer I already was without knowing. And this story is mostly for my benefit of getting it off my chest, so smoochy thoughts included.

So I read this book. It’s short, 200 pages or so, and if I’m honest with myself as an informed adult, nothing spectacular. It’s not bad, but its not ground breaking. None of the books are. But they broke new ground in Me, and what grew out of them has literally shaped the course of my entire personality.

Raev, I hear you say, it’s not great to base your entire personality on a bit of pop culture.

Shut up, I said, I’m telling this story and anyways insert-edgy-media-here dudebros have been doing it forever. Anyways.

So I read this book. I read it again, and again. I read all the books that went with it, but I stayed especially hung up on Forests. Why? Partially because it was the first one I read. Partially because the MC and I share a name, and therefore in my little teen head a connection. It was the first time “Rachel” felt like an identity, instead of just an identifier, and one that way too many of my classmates shared. Rachel was a badass, stifled by her Christian upbringing and the expectations of the day on women. I was a badass, stifled by my Christian upbringing and the expectations of the day on women. Rachel became a vampire, spiteful and spitfire the entire way. She did it on her own terms (so my teen reading of the text went), spurning every attempt of her kind to show her the ways of the vampire. She had a nemesis, a clear, concrete reason for her pain, and took charge of that pain and overcame it to be a complete and utter badass by the end of the book (again, so my teen reading went. Part of the problem here was my teenness. Part of it was my neurodivergence, which I will get to (you didn’t think this would be a SHORT story, did you? I warned you I have ADHD and that this was my hyperfixation; how did you think this was gonna go?))

So I identified heavily with the protag, and with its shocking author. This lifechanging book was written by a teen, like me! Holy cats, I said to myself, why, if she can do it, so can I! I had just started writing my own first novel (a shameless retelling of Star Wars, hyperfixation of my grade school years), and immediately trashed it to write my own vampire thing. Because vampires were clearly IT and I was gonna be a cool badass author hero, just like the MC of the second book.

Then the shapeshifter books came out, and so did I.

It’s really unrelated, but that was a fun transition, and as previously stated, author-type. Anyways.

So I came out to my girlcrush, angsted about that a lot, and continued to gobble up the books. Did you know there’s a website, she said. There’s like a whole fan community and everything.

Now, part of the problem here was being part of the first generation on the internet. It was relatively new, and so stranger danger and not being entirely comfortable on the internet and all that had its part to play. But this is also where the hyperfixation finally comes into play.

I liked Nyeusigrube A LOT. A lot a lot. So much so that I made my own conlang, my own mythos, my own entire story universe patterned after this one but not exactly this one. For whatever reason, it never occurred to me to self-insert, just to shamelessly copy. That one I can’t explain, but this one I can now understand through the lens of an adult.

Nyeusigrube was my especially special interest, and I had no idea that was a normal, healthy thing.

So tangled up in all this was my raised-too-conservative freak out about being Not Straight. I had finally figured out I liked girlfriend, if not that I was incredibly bisexual yet, and that was a Big Deal. Super cool author I hero-worshiped was one of those “Do I want to BE her or just want her?” kind of idolations, but again, didn’t know that at the time either. So these two very normal things that I knew NOTHING about were getting tangled together in a rat king of Issues with a generous slathering of Shame glue to hold them all together. Add to it the paranoia/RSD/general not-great-at-social sides of my neurodivergence, and basically I had decided I was Too Weird and liked this book Too Much and if I so much as LOOKED at the websites/forums/etc, everyone would know and that would be Bad.

Did I have a clear idea of how that would look? Not really? I didn’t need to. Just the thought of checking out the fansites was enough to send me into a panicking guilt/shame spiral about how much I enjoyed the books. Everyone will KNOW, I thought, and it will be BAD. The End. It was Not Normal how much I liked the books and I will freak everyone out.

So.

If I had just KNOWN that hyperfixations were a thing, I might have still felt weird, but I don’t think I would have AGONIZED (and I do mean fucking AGONIZED) over how shockingly Not Normal my level of interest went. I might have still felt bad, because I didn’t have a diagnosis, and therefore probably wouldn’t have given myself permission of admit I had a hyperfixation, but at least I wouldn’t have wallowed in ignorance. Now, if I’d had the knowledge and the diagnosis, I probably would have still been too shy to interact, but I wouldnt’ have wasted hours of my life in panicked/guilt/shame spirals. If I’d have a diagnosis and a support group? If I’d had a diagnosis and been raised with the normalization of being queer? If I’d had medication, role models, a safe place to open up and communicate, so on and so on? Like, you get the idea, right?

I consider myself immeasurably lucky that my love of writing and vampires and high school girlfriend survived all this. (My equally intense boy crush of the time did not (not because I don’t like boys but because I fell down another hyperfixation spiral and no PERSON should ever be subjected to that but I digress)). As I said, this is my especially special hyperfixation. I can’t imagine how many hours of enjoyment I might have gotten out of the forums, the fan arts, the roleplaying groups, the FRIENDSHIPS, my gods, can you imagine the friendships? Anyways, what I’m really saying is that it caused me real emotional Pain and Trauma, thinking something was Wrong with me for my level of interest. A lot of people have regrets about like not trying out for the team or not asking so and so out or whatever, but mine is a stupid fansite. I have deep and palpable regrets about letting my fear and shame keep me from something so harmless and silly, and as I said before I don’t think I have a concise or tidy ending, but this was what I wanted to say on the matter so there it is.

TL;DR: (hey, didn’t you already post this part? Yes, yes I did. I’m doing it again, but this time its the In Conclusion bit instead of the summary bit) ...(abstract. they’re called abstracts)...(this is still FAR from a scientific paper) (ANYWAYS) Not knowing that hyperfixations were a thing hurt me, and cost me not only enjoyment of a thing, but more serious social and emotional growth potential. I was stunted and harmed by this lack of education, and I guess my point is I hope no one else has to go through that. If my stupid little story can fix a thing, I want it to be that. More kids needs access to a broader range of what Normal is, and Normal needs to be opened up and expanded to include things that are perfectly harmless because the harm of excluding those things is immeasurable. Thank you for coming to my TED talk

[cheifcornerstone]

hey! so i read what you said on my post and watched some of the videos in your pinned post, and i have a couple related questions i was hoping you could clear up for me. in my post i was talking specifically being lgbt people being a sin, and you said that just being gay wasnt in of itself sinful. my understanding of sin is this:

god is good, and therefore doing good things is doing things god would do, or what god would want you to do. and doing things that god wouldnt do, or wouldnt want you to do, is a sin.

and the only way us humans know what is and isnt a sin, is from the bible. even if the bible is completely correct and whatnot, im still seeing a couple problems here. christians have always followed the bible as best as they could, but christians and christianity have changed a lot. christians from a couple hundred years ago had completely different morals from christians today.

for example, people 300 years ago were saying that being gay was sinful. with the same bible. if being gay is not a sin according to the bible, why did so many people think it was? did they read or interpret the bible wrong? if thats the case, how do we know we arent misinperpreting it now?

and because so many christians before our time, thought it was a sin to be gay, where is the objectivity of the bible, and therefore god? if what is good or bad under god is up to interpretation, you can justify whatever you want as being good with the same bible you can justify it as bad. there is a general consensus among christians today of what is and isnt sinful, but its completely different than it was 300 years ago, and will be completely different in another 300 years. how would anyone know what is and isnt sinful then?

just to clarify here i'm using the example of being gay as sinful or not, but i mean it more broadly. aside from just that, there have been a lot of things that christians in the past have believed in that they dont know, like slavery, rape, torture, and murder being good and justifiable under the bible.

sorry that that was super long lol and if i said something wrong and/or i'm misunderstanding something, please correct me

Hey thanks for getting back to me on it and I always find learning more about theology interesting.

Your right the Bible is still a book written by men hundreds of years ago and you have to understand the context of every verse. Just because people use scripture to try and justify terrible things like murder and whatnot doesn’t invalidate the wisdom the knowledge teaches. There are theologians and Bible scholars who practice and memories the Bible line by line and can more or less give you solid indisputable answers.

On the gay thing I believe in history gays were persecuted and taboo in most cultures and the Bible was a tool used to justify doing terrible acts. I believe Leviticus is used when they say homosexual acts is punishable by death but if you look at the context first of all it’s Old Testament second it’s the law given to Moses and the Israelites so they may be set apart as an example of Gods Chosen. It was kind of a deal, if you obey these rules Your children will inherit these lands. Jesus new law overwrites this. We aren’t Israelites in that sense anymore. New covenant and all

Then you have Romans 1:18-32 which details men sleeping with men as shameful but the context is talking about what Paul saw in Rome at the time. People were falling in love with their sexual lifestyles more than God. Paul is describing the love of sin and lack of God.

You can pretty much understand that these were for specific time but you can extract simple knowledge that the whole point in the Bible is to love God first and foremost. Then love your neighbor. Loving yourself or your sexuality is pride and is idolatry in the eyes of the lord.

Churches and religious people treat homosexuality as a sin because it’s leads to homosexual acts. They are wrong. it’s not sinful to be gay! Nothing in the Bible says that. In fact just looking at another women with lust is sinful. Just thinking about killing someone is sinful. Impossible task for sure but good thing Christianity gives us a chance to redeem ourselves with Christ

Of course you can say to hell with all that but even if you are non-believer learning more about the Bible is a great way to defend yourself against people who try to use it against you. Sorry for the long winded post

[ghostofcitrus]

another kinda vent-y post so feel free to ignore haha

so recently ive been thinking about my desire for community, and how every time i notice something that could be a trait of autism or smth of the like i immediately feel the need to ask other people if my experience or thought pattern or actions make sense. i dont feel like i can validate my own experiences as an autistic person, since i was late dx and dont have any type of friend group or community i feel a part of. whenever i notice a struggle, or find a way to describe something, i feel a mix of excitement and a need for someone else to say yes! this makes sense ! and since i’ve been working w my therapist since before my dx, she doesnt specialize in autism (she specializes in trauma and ptsd), i feel hesitant to bring those things up to her. i want other autistic people to validate my experiences, because i feel like i dont know enough to validate them myself. this also plays into my (long standing haha) desire for some sort of community. for example, any time a major holiday comes around for various religions or cultures, i feel this sense of admiration and jealousy, because i desire that sense of community.

i dont have a friend group, and even if i did i likely wouldnt really be able to bring things about autism up because the ppl im friendly with have little to no knowledge of that, and my desire isnt to educate, but to relate. and that’s something that’s important to me, but i unfortunately lack. like, not only do i want my experiences to be validated, i just want to talk to people about them without taking on a more “educational” standpoint. i love my partner, and my therapist is great, but whenever i have realizations(because ive been doing a lot of self reflection recently) they cant relate to it, and honestly them trying feels a bit dismissive, because they aren't autistic so i know they cant really relate to those experiences. my partner specifically gets this, so he doesnt try to relate, but understand. and that’s amazing, and perfect for our relationship, but i still want to be able to relate and share experiences are receive advice from other autistic people. i want friends who can really understand and stuff. because i dont really want to turn to making a long post on tumblr hoping for people to reply saying they understand and validate my experience. i do love when that happens, but it’s not exactly ideal or realistic to hope for strangers to happen across a long post, the read it, then relate and comment on it. 

ugh, i dont really know what i want or how i would get it. but having no one to really talk to about autism and stuff is not my favorite because i dont have a full understanding of myself, and its something im working towards but i dont really have anyone there to help me out with that. also i just think its normal to want to find people you relate to and talk about things like that. i want to share my experiences and have people relate, i dont want to feel weird or alone in my struggles or even good points, but right now i kinda do

well if you did read all of this, thank you. it does rlly mean a lot to me when ppl take the time to read all of these long posts, i know im not very good at making things concise haha

[howljenky]

I have a few things to say thats been circling in my mind a lot.

The reduction and watering down of the word Femme to mean Feminine woman, not even lesbian as i saw bi ppl use it as well, and straigh women use it as well, as an empowering feminine word that completly disregard the culture of the word, made me ocasionally think to myself "ugh i hate being called a femme" and made me have life crises in which i forget what Femme stands for, because i have no map for it, and noone to cling to, and teach me, and remind me, that i exist in this world to love butches. The loneliness i feel is tearing me apart. More under cut.

Feminine women saw the word femme, and decided femmes are trying to replicate heterosexuality, that femmes are selfish, and close minded, and "exclusuonists", and they took this word for themselves to preach about how good femme4femme relationships are, how ignorant and misogynistic we were for not choosing to date other feminine women, and for replicating heterosexuality, they took it and trampled over us for not being progressive, for choosing to date the ugly mean dykes. And this is it, this is the reason they did it. Their hatered for butches and masculine women.

This hatered is why terms like "soft butch" exists, this is why everyone tells butches they can be feminine if they want to, while pissing and dissing on the butches that reject every form of feminity, calling them links to toxic masculinity, calling them predatory, and mean, and cold hearted, and cheaters, and emotionally closed off, in our own lesbian community no less, which come to bite femmes in the ass as well for choosing to date such "heartless bastards", to the point you take the word femme from us to "save us" or whatever is going through their minds, while also telling everyone a characteristic of being a lesbian is to be soft masculine. They want that "soft androgyny" aesthetic, masculine women to at least have a feminine thing about them, as if butches are still obliged by the police to have 3 women garments on themselves like in our past culture, but not to be too feminine, because then u have to date other feminine lesbians, or fall into this category of lesbians that are being asked "so why dont you just date a man?" Because people just cannot get through their thick skulls that lesbians have NOTHING to do with men. Not too feminine, because feminity is men's.

So alright, they hate the butches, and they "reclaimed" femme from those who stay with the butches. And it is good for them! They can use the word femme as they please, while continuing to compare butches to men and out relationship to a straight one. But what does that mean for the butchfemme culture?

It directly harms out community. We cannot find eachother that easily anymore. I see the word femme and instead of being estatic that i am not alone in this world, I get wary and confused, to the point that I dont even search for femmes like me anymore. Im okay alone as well, as long as i have the attention of butches. The word femme made me so distant of its meaning, that only butches can pull me out of it and remind me just why i exist and what i am fighting for, just by existing in the same space as them. But they have it hard too. On top of all the hate, from straight people and from the lgbt+ community and even from the lesbian comunity, they have a hard time finding femmes to truly understand them, and love them, and be patient with them as well. The rings of this community falls so thight and it always feels like its getting smaller and smaller instead of larger. Consciously or not, the pressure and hatered we get drives us away from ourselves. The pressure of finding femmes like me, the disappointment i get often of not being understood by fellow lesbians drove me away from them. It's just butches i can rely onto. For lesbians and for other members of the lgbt community, this makes me an exclusionist, a demon, a bad person.

The lack of media representation is a problem here as well. No straight person wants to see an old mean dyke on the screen, so they don't put them. They don't put them so that they won't turn to "stereotypical lesbians". They don't put them because they hate them. The lesbian representation is few as it is, but it is all feminine women, or femme4femme as the others with no regard to the butchfem community chose to name it. This mainly is to appeal to the male gaze, so that no man would feel threatened by someone more masculine than them. In this world, not even lesbians, who exclude men, can never separate from them entirely. Butches get compared to men, femmes are put in a box of feminity for the male gaze, and both being called a heterosexual replica, a second hand straight couple, by everyone. No wonder it took so long for me to even know what i was. And who i was. Where could i have seen myself, if there were no femmes on the screen? How would i have known who i love if there arent any butches in media? If it hadnt been for my then-friend and now unapologetical butch girlfriend, i wouldn't have read stone butch blues, and then i wouldnt have read all the other books, and i wouldnt have gotten myself in that thight spot in the small community, and i would have still be lost and lonely. Now i am just lonely, but not lost.

This lack of representation also makes everyone go along with internet trends, and not getting documented on the culture. They go along with what the others say, because theres barely any place to learn about this and to fully capture its essence and meaning. We are silenced, and deemed not worthy to be heard, because of modernised times, and changes in meanings, and being regressive. But my love for butches is an act of revolution against everyone that might call me selfish, or straight, a fake persona, and its not lower than the other non-aligned lesbians.

This is why I am still an unapologetical Femme. I am a femme, because of the feminine women around me invalidating my identity with calling themselves femme. I am femme, because of loving butches. I am femme because i exist to love and cherish and respect butches. I am femme because when everyone hates butches, where else would they go? Where is their home? Where are they fully accepted? Unconditionally? Where are butches allowed to be masculine without getting bashed for it? Who understands how butches love? Who desires them, without sexualising them?

I am femme because i am a home to butches. I am femme because, regardless of what others say, my femininity still isnt for men, and never will be. I am femme because i want change. I am femme because until butches get accepted as they are, unconditionally and without a doubt, i am not accepted either, and i refuse to get accepted without them. I am femme, until the day i see myself on the screen, until i see my lovers on the screen, until i see our love accepted and beyond that. I am a femme because i want to leave a piece of my love for butches on earth. I am femme because i want to teach, and be heard. My femme-ness doesnt sit in my feminity alone. Femme is liberating, and secure, not restaining, and forced.

I have so much else to say, but this is getting ridiculously long, and all over the place, but these were my thoughts. I desire for a day in which i could be understood. Of course, these thoughts are coming from an easter european mindset, as of where there isnt any representation, zero knowledge on the matter, post-comminist country in which lgbt people need to still hide in certain situations. I am angry at the world's view of the word femme, and what it got to mean these days. I am angry at the hatered towards butches. I am angry and i will not shut up about it anymore.

All i am asking is. Educate yourself. Be conscious of words and what they mean. Respect us. Stop making up new words for every single thing. Futch isnt real guys. Thats all.

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Terfs and transmysoginists and any other fucker that dares to think this post doesn't include trans women fuck off. Trans butches, studs and trans femmes are always loved and welcomed here. Racists fuck off as well, you arent needed.

[deddie-eddie]

Hypocrisy in fandom.

TW // suicide, suicide baiting, harassment

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Yesterday, I nearly killed myself.

I was in the midst of a breakdown, I was shaking so hard I couldnt breathe, and if I wasn't I likely would have been able to open the pill bottle and I likely would have gone through with it.

I had to be talked down via phone call while I was on a camping trip with my family.

But why?

Two days ago, I did something awful. I found a "pedo struggling" account, run by an anti, who was posting screenshots of me and my friends, and called them out.

Little did I know, this would be the start of something horrible.

It started out fine. I made a couple jokes, laughed along at other proshippers in the comments, and it was all fine.

Then, the account posted a vague tweet. "They won't stop." I thought this was funny, so I poked more fun at them. Watched them squirm as they replied to my friends in shaky, broken English. I called it crytyping. I mocked them for it. I assumed I knew what I was talking about and instead of realizing that they were having a breakdown, I assumed that they were being performative and made some horrid accusations in a long callout thread about them. I posted screenshots of them as they replied with, what I thought was, performative nonsense. I privately mocked them. To summarize, I did something entirely, unarguably, factually awful. I made assumptions I had no right to make and acted on them in the worst way.

Then I went to bed.

When I woke up, I had hundreds of notifications. Spammed messages of "deactivate," "how could you do something like this," and a barrage of fancams.

It had come out that the person I was mocking was having a genuine panic attack, and that I had mocked them in a time of immense struggle and pain. I had no right to mock them in the first place, but now that it was genuine, my actions were amplified.

I finally took more than two seconds to think about what I'd done, and realized I was a huge, giant, absolutely massive asshole. I deleted the thread, released a long apology, and tried to take every comment and all my criticism in stride. I was still getting a lot of hate. That was understandable. I knew I didnt deserve to be forgiven yet. I let it be. I didnt tweet anything else for fear of it seeming like I wasnt taking this horrible situation seriously. I sincerely, honestly replied to people asking me why, how, and what I thought I was doing. They had every right to know. Still, the cries of "deactivate" rolled in. I knew I deserved them.

Then, it got worse.

I got a comment. I checked it.

"I dont usually say this but ummm... you should kys."

My heart raced. It had been a while since someone had told me to kill myself. I knew I had fucked up but I didnt realize just how hard, if people were really telling me to kill myself. But i brushed it off. It was one comment. I deserved it.

But it kept. Coming.

More people. "Deactivate," "kill yourself," "you're a freak." All day. Every minute I'd have a new notif, and every moment a new threat. "You'll be alone forever." "I hope you rot alone." I knew I had to take it because I had inadvertently sent people to harass that person. I didnt deserve to be forgiven. I still dont.

People watched my follower count drop. So did I. I lost mutuals I had interacted with for months. I lost people who said that they would always be there for me. I lost people who used to call me their best friend.

I had no one ask me for my side. No one that i was close to, anyway. None of the tens of people who told me that they cared about me, that they loved me, that theyd always be there for me. Not a single one of them was there to ask me. They all read the same callout post, and came to the same conclusion. That I was a horrible, unforgivable person. And I dont blame them for that. Sometimes I think I am too.

Then they kept going even more. More hate. More callout posts, except now people were making things up. They were lying and I couldnt do anything about it because I was in the wrong and not to be redeemed. Old friends took the sides of people who genuinely suggested that I die or kill myself, and people who said they loved me were handing over screenshots to these people in hopes that they wouldnt get thrown under the bus.

They took old things that I said and did and exaggerated them, posted old DMs out of context, and when they couldnt manipulate my words they just didnt provide evidence at all. They had that power. They had the power to lie about me and I had given it to them.

More people joined in. There was a hashtag spread of me. #staymadeddie on twitter. Look it up if you think I'm lying. People tried to get this trending.

After over a day and a half of NOTHING but constant harassment, I started to think I should take their advice. If I was dead, I'd finally be quiet, and theyd get what they wanted. If I was dead, they wouldnt yell at me anymore. They wouldnt harass me. I would be free.

They managed to make me feel like this in a day and a half.

I had a public breakdown. I screamed over the internet, phone held in shaking hands as I tried not to sob in earshot of my family. I frantically pleaded to what little I had left that they stop. I begged to know what they wanted from me. I asked if they really wanted me to die. I begged them to leave me alone. I threw my phone at my bed, ran to the med cabinet, and grabbed a bottle of pills. If I hadn't been shaking so hard, I'd have opened it. If I had opened it, I dont like to think about what I might have done. I was flooded with comments telling me to get help. Close friends begged me not to do what I wanted so badly to. They dmed me left and right, but i ignored it. I felt numb. Everything had been hurting so much that when presented with death felt almost better. Obviously that was a ludicrous thought. It was a day and a half. I was being rash. But I didnt care. I couldnt take it anymore. I'm 15, I have severe anxiety and depression. When overwhelmed, my impulsive thoughts and actions take over.

A friend called me and had to talk me down over phone call while I was camping with my family. It was successful, of course, but the rest of the day I was plagued with a deep depression that left me feeling hollow and worthless. I still cant keep my thoughts away from it. I think about all the people I've lost. All the people who, in their eyes, I'm dead to. All the people who swore they'd be with me, but when push came to shove they couldnt even spare me a glance.

My crime was harassing a minor. I made assumptions I had no right to make and publicly blasted someone for having a panic attack. In no way was that okay and in no way am I entitled to be forgiven. However, I deleted the post. I released an apology. I took criticism as best I could, without blaming my actions on anything or anyone but myself. I did what they always tell you to do when you fuck up.

But it didnt work.

I *was* genuinely sorry.

I *did* recognize my mistake

I *tried* to make amends.

I *didn't* pass blame.

I fucked up. Hard. But no matter what I did no one would stop. I lost close friends. I lost a best friend. It almost seemed like I'd made it worse.

There is no moral. Because real life isnt black and white. I did an awful thing. These people did awful things too. There is more than one victim here. In people's quest to gain justice for me harassing a minor, they harassed a minor into near suicide and laughed at it.

Dont forget that behind EVERY account there is a real person. Be they adult or child, everyone will fuck up and even though in general we need to think before we post, like I clearly didnt, it is possible to learn from our actions and one negative one doesn't define a person.

I'll say this again.

To some people, people I trusted, people who said they cared about me, i am dead. They hate my guts. I'll never be redeemed. But I'm expected to improve myself with this knowledge. I'm supposed to take all the hate and never speak about the hate coming my way for fear of trying to victimize myself.

No. Fuck you.

I AM a victim. I was harassed as much as they were, and even though I threw the first stone, I never told anyone to die. I never lied about anyone. I didnt cancel them. I learned my mistake and apologized, but I KNOW that NO ONE will EVER be expected to apologize for what they did to me.

What I did was horrible. I am not entitled to forgiveness. I will repeat that a hundred times. But to beat me down until I'm nearly dead, to call me a freak and a pedo and a disgusting person, to tell me to kill myself, then laugh when I call myself a victim, is disgusting.

I DON'T deserve this, and I'm tired of having to pretend like I do.

By all means. Criticize me. Make jokes. Be harsh. But do NOT tell me to kill myself over a lack of forethought, and then have the guts to call yourself a "protector of kids." You're not.

You're only out to protect your friends, and the people who agree with you, other people's lives be damned. I dont matter to you. And you'll never admit that you hurt me.

[somnilogical]

modular "ethics":

a wrong and two rights make a right

<<I've been known to cause outrage by suggesting that people who really care about something shouldn't have romantic relationships. Think what would happen if I dared to suggest that those people should also seriously consider getting castrated. That would be crazy! And who am I to suggest that basically everyone claiming to be doing good is faking it? Then people would feel bad about themselves. We can't have that!>>

https://squirrelinhell.blogspot.com/2018/02/men-have-women-are.html

previously i talked about an infohazard about altruism that seemed to fuck with grognor. it feels useful to pass by the dead and look at their lives and choices.

i dont think that castrating yourself is a good intervention for doing stuff you care about, like this is patchwork constraints for an unaligned optimizer. if you arent altruistically aligned from core values, castrating yourself wont make you more aligned.

the "altruists" having babies thing is actual insane and pasek is right about that. pretty much all of society will try and gaslight you about this the way sometimes people are gaslit about "i need to have sex with lots of attractive fems to keep up my moral so i can do super good stuff afterwards.". like if people want to do good for the world it will flow out as a continuous expression of value not some brent dill kind of deal that institutions like CFAR accepted until there was too much social pressure for them to maintain this facade.

the entire premise that morality is this modular thing and you can help set the utility function of an FAI while being a terrible person, is wrong. yet organizations like CFAR keep thinking it will work out for them:

<<We believe that Brent is fundamentally oriented towards helping people grow to be the best versions of themselves. In this way he is aligned with CFAR’s goals and strategy and should be seen as an ally.

  In particular, Brent is quite good at breaking out of standard social frames and making use of unconventional techniques and strategies. This includes things that have Chesterton’s fences attached, such as drug use, weird storytelling, etc. A lot of his aesthetic is dark, and this sometimes makes him come across as evil or machiavellian.

  Brent also embodies a rare kind of agency and sense of heroic responsibility. This has caused him to take the lead in certain events and be an important community hub and driver. The flip side of this is that because Brent is deeply insecure, he has to constantly fight urges to seize power and protect himself. It often takes costly signalling for him to trust that someone is an ally, and even then it’s shaky.

  Brent is a controversial figure, and disliked by many. This has led to him being attacked by many and held to a higher standard than most. In these ways his feelings of insecurity are justified. He also has had a hard life, including a traumatic childhood. Much of the reason people don’t like him comes from a kind of intuition or aesthetic feeling, rather than his actions per se.

  Brent’s attraction to women (in the opinion of the council) sometimes interferes with his good judgement. Brent knows that his judgement is sometimes flawed, and has often sought the help of others to check his actions. Whether or not this kind of social binding is successful is not obvious.>>

https://pastebin.com/fzwYfDNq

<<AnnaSalamon 2/6/09, 5:54 AM

Aleksei, I don’t know what you think about the current existential risks situation, but that situation changed me in the direction of your comment. I used to think that to have a good impact on the world, you had to be an intrinsically good person. I used to think that the day to day manner in which I treated the people around me, the details of my motives and self-knowledge, etc. just naturally served as an indicator for the positive impact I did or didn’t have on global goodness.

(It was a dumb thing to think, maintained by an elaborate network of rationalizations that I thought of as virtuous, much the way many people think of their political “beliefs”/clothes as virtuous. My beliefs were also maintained by not bothering to take an actually careful look either at global catastrophic risks or even at the details of e.g. global poverty. But my impression is that it’s fairly common to just suppose that our intuitive moral self-evaluations (or others’ evaluations of how good of people we are) map tolerably well onto actual good consequences.)

Anyhow: now, it looks to me as though most of those “good people”, living intrinsically worthwhile lives, aren’t contributing squat to global goodness compared to what they could contribute if they spent even a small fraction of their time/money on a serious attempt to shut up and multiply. The network of moral intuitions I grew up in is… not exactly worthless; it does help with intrinsically worthwhile lives, and, more to the point, with the details of how to actually build the kinds of reasonable human relationships that you need for parts of the “shut up and multiply”-motivated efforts to work… but, for most people, it’s basically not very connected to how much good they do or don’t do in the world. If you like, this is good news: for a ridiculously small sum of effort (e.g., a $500 donation to SIAI; the earning power of seven ten-thousandths of your life if you earn the US minimum wage), you can do more expected-good than perhaps 99.9% of Earth’s population. (You may be able to do still more expected-good by taking that time and thinking carefully about what most impacts global goodness and whether anyone’s doing it.)>>

https://www.greaterwrong.com/posts/4pov2tL6SEC23wrkq/epilogue-atonement-8-8

like opposing this isnt self-denying moral aestheticism or a signalling game of how good you can look (credibly signalling virtue is actually a good thing, i wish more people did it by for instance demonstrating how they win in a way that wouldnt work if they werent aligned. whose power seeded from their alignment.). its like... the alternative where people do things that it makes no sense for an altruist to do and then say that when they go to their day jobs they are super duper altruistic they swear; compartmentalizing in this way ...doesnt actually work.

people who want to obscure what altruism looks like will claim that this is moving around a social schelling point for who is to be ostracized. and that altruism as a characteristic of a brain isnt a cluster-in-reality that you can talk about. because it will be coopted by malicious actors as a laser to unjustly zap people with. these people are wrong.

both EA and CFAR are premised on some sort of CDT modular morality working. it is actually pretending to do CDT optimization because like with brent at each timestep they are pretending to think "how can we optimize utility moving forward?" (really i suspect they are just straight up mindcontrolled by brent, finding ways to serve their master because they used force and the people at CFAR were bad at decision theory) instead of seeking to be agents such that brent when brents plans to predate on people ran through them, he would model it as more trouble than it was worth and wouldnt do this in the first place.

CFAR and EA will do things like allowing someone to predate on women because they are "insightful" or creating a social reality where people with genetic biases who personally devote massive amounts of time and money to babies who happen to be genetically related to them and then in their day job act "altruistically". as long as it all adds up to net positive, its okay right?

but thats not how it works and structures built off of this are utterly insufficient to bring eutopia to sentient life. in just the same way that "scientists" who when they arent at their day jobs are theists are an utterly insufficient to bring eutopia to sentient life.

<<Maybe we can beat the proverb—be rational in our personal lives, not just our professional lives. We shouldn’t let a mere proverb stop us: “A witty saying proves nothing,” as Voltaire said. Maybe we can do better, if we study enough probability theory to know why the rules work, and enough experimental psychology to see how they apply in real-world cases—if we can learn to look at the water. An ambition like that lacks the comfortable modesty of being able to confess that, outside your specialty, you’re no better than anyone else. But if our theories of rationality don’t generalize to everyday life, we’re doing something wrong. It’s not a different universe inside and outside the laboratory.>>

--

to save the world it doesnt help to castrate yourself and make extra super sure not to have babies. people's values are already what they are, their choices have already been made. these sort of ad-hoc patches are what wrangling an unaligned agent looks like. and the output of an unaligned agent with a bunch of patches, isnt worth much. would you delegate important tasks to an unaligned AI that was patched up after each time it gave a bad output?

it does mean that if after they know about the world and what they can do, people still say that they specifically should have babies, i mark them as having a kind of damage and route around them.

someone not having babies doesnt automatically mark them as someone id pour optimization energy into expecting it to combine towards good ends. the metrics i use are cryptographically secure from being goodharted. so i can talk openly about traits i use to discern between people without worrying about people reading about this and using it to gum up my epistemics.