#and i would write it myself but like. would it actually be appealing to anyone?

[listentoace]

Hey, I wanted to address a couple of things.

I have been receiving several asks regarding some of my recent posts. I admit they are darker than the usual stuff. That was a decision I consciously made, because I do tend to have darker fantasies and wanted to see how they would be received. I consider most of the criticism I received to be valid points. Here are a few of them:

The whole idea of "ruining yourself"/"ruining your body" as you're gaining weight can be found fatphobic

Connecting feederism to habitual behavior, addiction, loss of control, and even brain damage can be found scary or even disturbing

Encouraging people to embrace health issues (both physical and mental) because of feederism can be found toxic

Constantly connecting feederism and weight gain with the negative side effects (sluggishness and laziness, health issues, societal judgement, etc.) can lead to the conclusion that feederism, obesity, indulgence, etc. are generally bad things

I won't try to defend myself. In fact, I completely agree with (most) criticism I received. The only kind of "criticism" I don't recognize are attacks toward me personally, but that's just reflected in a minority of the asks I receive. To all people who have sent me asks: it's great that you're sharing your opinion and thoughts, and I encourage you to keep doing so!

I think it is necessary to mention again that I don't mean anyone any harm. I am not fatphobic, and I do not mean to force any kinks upon anyone. This is just me writing and recording some horny ideas I occasionally have for those people who are into the same stuff. It is also very important to mention that in many cases, the fantasy of something can be very hot, while the reality of it could be very stressful and traumatizing. This is especially the case with more intense fantasies and kinks, e.g., being kidnapped and fattened. Everything I write takes place in "fantasy land". Nothing I post is meant as a threat, actual encouragement for dangerous behavior or self harm, or other harmful behavior. Pleae keep this in mind!

Getting back to the criticism: Yes, I like the dark stuff. I am very intrigued by the idea of feedees getting fatter for pleasure, despite all the negative consequences that can come with weight gain and obesity. I also enjoy calling people out for it, both with mild teasing and with very direct "you're damaging yourself" claims. I know that this is not everybody's cup of tea, which is why I already tag all posts with darker topics related to self-destruction, severe health issues, permanent damage and even death with "#death feederism" and "#death feedist". This is also mentioned in my pinned info post under "My Content", encouraging people to hide these tags who are not into certain content I post. However, it is quite clear that this isn't a great solution – otherwise I would not be receiving these asks.

I am very open to solving this issue together. After all, it always has been my personal ambition to write and record content for your enjoyment and pleasure. I want to make you – the readers and listeners – feel good and excited. I don't mean to scare or disturb you with my darker fantasies and kinks that don't appeal to you. Nonetheless, I do enjoy causing "holy shit, this is really bad, but it just feels so good!" pleasure and horniness.

In the past, I occasionally made use of trigger warnings at the top of my posts. If I recall correctly, I did hide the main content behind the "Keep reading" button. This was not consistent, but I am open to generally implementing this for all future posts that include sensitive subjects, such as death feederism, consensual non-consent, heavy conditioning and brain damage, or severe degradation and objectification.

However, before I do that, I first wanted to recognize the asks I received and open the conversation by addressing these issues. I encourage you to share your thoughts on this with me in the comments, asks, or my dms. Please let me know whether you think the combination of a trigger warning and a "Keep reading" button is sufficient and reasonable. I will still be tagging my posts accordingly, like I've done in the past, so filtering through hiding certain hashtags will remain an option either way.

I'm looking forward to your feedback and ideas, thank you for the criticism! :)

[flower-sniffing-friend]

my biggest secret is that way deep down i have the slightest desire to like birdflash. wally is so midwest, upper-middle class conservative that wally having to unpack all that and deal with the anger that comes from dick just being too damn attractive would be really interesting (and funny)

the problem is i don't like wally :(

[whysamwhy123]

HALLEJUAH!! I REMEMBERED HOW TO ACTUALLY FINISH WRITING SOMETHING FOR A CHANGE!!

Of course, it's not any of the fics I wanted to finish. I went back to what is essentially my bread-and-butter now and wrote a short-ish, random OrangeHook fluff. But considering how much writing's been a struggle as of late, I'm just glad that I successfully finished something. I was back in one of those stretches where I couldn't seem to write much of anything. And this fic isn't about their age difference or Hook being a cuddlebug, so...progress?

Unless I decide I completely hate it (which is always a possibility) expect something to drop on Valentine's Day, tis the season, after all.

[allbark-no-bite]

don’t write checks you can’t cash.

jake seresin x reader (wc: 3.6k)

summary: jake seresin is under your skin. or maybe you’re under his. either way you’re going to eat each other alive. jake isn’t about to take the fall

warnings: mentioned age gap, heavy sexual tension (the smut is coming i promise)

author’s note: back on my topgun bullshit bitches (respectfully). i’m not usually one for multi part fics but i actually wrote something with plot for once so please just bear with me. loosely inspired by Zach Bryan’s ‘nineball’. please note this fic title is subject to change bc i hate it

(you can read part 2 here!)

————————————————————————

You don't believe in love at first sight. You think the whole concept is some foolish idea that people who have already fallen in love have the liberty of saying they believe in. Then people who have been through failed relationship after failed relationship are convinced that they're never going to fall in love because it just doesn't happen. The whole idea pretty much just sets the rest of the population up for failure from the start.

Even the concept of finding the right person one day and growing to love them is hard for you to grasp. Because how can you love someone that much? How do you know you love them enough?There are some days that you don't enjoy the presence of even your closest friends for very long, friends who you would do anything for. Even family, you only tolerated so much.

Your high school boyfriend hated that about you, the fact that you realistically needed so little of him—or anyone for that matter. You have always been violently independent, able to provide what you require, and therefore having to maintain a simplistic relationship became nothing but a monotonous task. Even most of your closest friendships faded with time.

Eventually, you prosed the question: what can someone else give me that I cannot give myself?

The answer was companionship. Because when you strip away everything from a person and all they have left to offer you is themself, you have to be willing to choose them. And sometimes that's not the most appealing quality.

Something did happen, the first time you made eye contact with Lt. Jake Seresin, but it was far from love. It was something terrible in your chest, like an aching. Like you knew in your gut that he was going to change your life. Good or bad, you didn't know, but it was certain to happen.

You don't even believe that you two were destined to meet — you just happened to, and in that moment, the damage was done, it was your fate to ruin each other.

——

You like the way he says your name. You like that he says your name on purpose, like he is intentionally seeking out reasons to say it. It's not as harsh sounding coming from his mouth.

"You from around here, [L/n]?"

You're wiping down the glass hatch of your F/A-18 when he approaches you from behind. You swivel your head to catch sight of him behind your back but he's already making a wide circle around you, his chin tipping up then down as he inspects your plane from behind his tinted aviators.

As you watch him scrutinize your aircraft, you regard him with a certain level of apprehension. Jake Seresin was nothing short of gorgeous. He was six feet of bronze skin and lean muscle, withbright green eyes, and a movie star smile. Not to mention the southern accent that had girls drooling over him.

"Austin," you correct him. "Austin, Texas."

You'd been transferred over to Miramar a little over a month ago, becoming the newest addition to the Dagger squad. California was a nice change of scenery, and everyone you had met so far had welcomed you with open arms. That is, everyone but Lt. Seresin— Hangman as they called him. You were still trying to find your footing with him.

You genuinely don't know what his problem is with you. The guy had hardly even given you a glance since the moment you'd arrived. Your first guess would have been that he was one of those dickheads who didn't like women working in the field, but his relationship with Phoenix disproved that theory.

Your answer seems to warrant his attention, and he looks up. His expression twitches at the correction but he doesn't say anything in response. For the first time since you arrived at Miramar, still, unsmiling green eyes catch yours from across the aircraft.

You hold his gaze. After a moment, your stomach twists in an unsettling way, like even it doesn't know what to do with itself. Your first instinct is to look away. Your brain is telling you that if you do, you can avoid any sort of confrontation that may happen as a result. But it's like you can't.

This is the first time he's looked at you, and now you don't dare to look away.

Even from behind the tint of his perfectly polished aviators, you can make out the distinct color of his green eyes. They're so distracting that you have to remind yourself to breathe.

After what feels like eons of uncomfortable staring, he breaks your gaze —surely it couldn't have been longer than a few seconds. Flustered, you glance around to see if anyone else has picked up on the affair. Fortunately, or unfortunately, you're not quite sure which, it's nearing 6pm and the base is on the better side of empty. It's a Friday evening and everyone is eager to head out for the weekend.

Someone clears their throat. Hangman is still standing there, hands shoved in his pockets like he doesn't have anywhere better to be. You want to say something but your gut is telling you that there's some sort of game going on here and you're not sure of the rules.

Finally, he faintly nods his head, as if to excuse himself, and turns to walk away. You watch his retreating back and relax a little, breathing a bit easier.

As you're turning back to your plane, relieved that the interaction is over, you hear him call back over his shoulder.

“The team is heading to the Hard Deck at nine. Don't be late."

And then he's gone, disappeared between one of the hangars.

——

For nine thirty on a Friday evening, the bar isn't nearly as busy as you'd expected it to be. You don't have to fight for a parking spot out front and there's not even a line at the bar. Other than a rowdy looking gaggle accumulating at the pool table, the atmosphere is pretty laid back. Looking around as you walk further in, there is a handful of people in civilians, but the majority of the crowd is composed of off duty aviators in their summer khakis.

You're about to head over to the bar top, where you were sure you had spotted Captain Mitchell, when someone shouts your name.

"Hawk!"

Your head swivels at the sound of your callsign, and you catch sight of Rooster beckoning to you over at the pool table. Immediately you recognize the familiar faces of the Dagger squad around him. You acknowledge him with a smile and head over to join them.

“And here we thought you were going to be a no-show," the brunette pilot chirps, his arm wrapping around your shoulder as soon as you're close enough. You lean into his embrace while touching his chest with a friendly pat of your hand. Bradley is by no means close to drunk but most definitely more than a little buzzed if you're going off of the smell of beer and lime on his breath and the occasional involuntary twitch of his mustache.

"I thought about it, but I can't keep letting you guys have all the fun," you laugh, holding out your other arm so that you can greet Natasha with a hug as Rooster releases you.

After hugging you, she presses a sweating bottle of beer into your hand. "Coyote bought everyone a round so I figured I'd save you one before the boys wiped them out. Sorry if it's a bit warm, you did show up fashionably late."

You playfully roll your eyes at her, taking the beer anyhow. "Thanks, Phe."

Payback places a large palm on the top of your head, diverting your attention towards him as he returns from the bar. "Don't let her fool you, we're just getting started over here. Rooster isn't even drunk enough to get on the piano yet."

Laughing, you glance over at the brunette aviator. "Now that I've been waiting to see. I hear you're quite the show, Bradshaw."

Since you transferred over to Miramar, you had been hounded nonstop to go out drinking with the team for weeks, and Rooster's infamous performance had been one of their key selling points. That and the fact that the owner, Penny, often gave them free drinks. Apparently she had a thing for Captain Mitchell.

Rooster grins, leaning against the pool stick in his hand as he waits for Fanboy to take his shot. "Let me get a couple more beers deep and I promise you won't be disappointed."

As you go about making your rounds to greet everyone else, you can't help but notice that there's someone missing. After you take a seat beside Bob to watch Rooster and Fanboy play, you glance around the bar a few times, convinced that you've somehow overlooked him despite the fact that the place isn't busy enough for that.

An almost disappointed feeling pulls at you despite how ridiculous the realization makes you feel.

After spending the better part of an half hour trying to push the feeling away, you finally spot a familiar head of blonde hair over at the dartboard. He's by himself, about three darts in and half a bottle of beer down. So much for the personal invitation, you think.

You watch as he throws a dart, practically without so much as aiming whilst contemplating whether or not you even have it in you to muster up the courage to face those green eyes again.

Without giving yourself the chance to back down, you swallow back the rest of your now warm beer and head over.

He tosses another dart just as you reach him, and it finds itself dead center with the previous three.

"With a hand like that, you should be kicking Rooster's ass over there in pool," you say as you come to a stop behind him.

Walking away from the dartboard, Jake turns to grab his bottle of beer from the table beside you.

"I'm not much of a betting man," he huffs, leaning back against the table. The muscles of his biceps bugle distractingly against the sleeves of his uniform.

You look back over your shoulder, watching from a distance as Fanboy's cue clips the eight ball and sends it ricocheting off the sidewall. He groans, and Rooster whoops triumphantly from behind him.

"It wouldn't be much of a bet. Even with his winning streak, I think you'd give him a run for his money."

Hangman takes a sip from his bottle, mouth lingering on the rim before he sets it back down and crosses his arms. "Rooster's all luck and no skill. The table's got a lean."

You raise your eyebrows at the confession, half laughing at his lax confidence. "Oh? And you would know this how?"

"C'mon, son. Fuckin' hit it in."

Body tense, his arm quivers ever so slightly and the pool stick bobs shakily in his hand. He closes his eyes and takes a breath in.

"I haven't got all day, kid."

He breathes out and breathes back in. The smell of cigar smoke and cheap beer swims in his head.

"What're you doin'?! Quit wastin' time."

He exhales, opens his eyes, and hits the pool stick forward. The white cue ball shoots out to the left, bounces against the eight ball, and sends it hurdling towards the side pocket. At the very last moment, it veers off to the left and falls into  the back corner pocket instead.

The man standing on the other side of the table curses, his pool stick dropping to the ground, but Jake pays little mind to him. He straightens, looking around eagerly for the only set of eyes that matter. The grin falls from his face when he realizes the old man isn't even watching, too busy counting out his prize money and yanking out a ten to hand to the bartender.

Jake looks up at the clock on the wall over his shoulder.

12:57 am

"Dad, I wanna go home."

"Not yet, son. I've already got fifty put down on another round."

"Want me to show you?"

His offer makes you pause, and you can't help but cock your head a bit as you try to weigh out just where this is heading. For weeks he has acted as though you barely even existed and now you're engaged in the longest conversion the two of you have had since your arrival.

Jake finishes his drink and sets the bottle down whilst walking over to you. "Final offer. Take it or leave it."

You laugh a little before stepping back so that he can make his way to the pool table. "Lead the way then." But before you can make it too far, his palm finds the flat of your back, pressing you forward so that you're in front of him. You're glad he can't see you because your face flashes hot at the unexpected contact.

"I'm not the one playing, kid. I'm just going to show you the ropes."

"Oh, I didn't-"

Any objections you have about the situation are ignored as he pushes you firmly in the direction of the pool table and asks Payback for his cue. "Look alive, Bradshaw. Hawk is about to show you how this thing is done."

Straightening his wide shoulders, Bradley grins, smug and easy as you and Hangman approach the opposite side of the table. "And here I thought you were here to reclaim your throne now that I'm intoxicated."

Jake grins back. "You don't need to be drunk for me to do that."

Bradley's mustache twitches, but he's still smiling. "Sure."

Jake turns back to you, placing the pool stick in your hand. You can't help but think that his expression is all too confident for someone who has never even seen you play pool.

"Nervous?" he asks as you take the stick from him.

"Should I be?" you ask back, turning your head to watch as Rooster takes the liberty of breaking the rack.

He shakes his head, his green eyes glowing with a warmth that you've yet to see from him. "Not as long as you don't totally suck."

Seeing that it's your turn, you brush past him to stand at the table. "I guess I'll let you be the judge of that."

Thankfully you've played your fair share of pool and so you're able to hold your own for most of the game. Jake remains criminally silent as you play, arms once again crossed as he leans against a nearby stool, but you can feel his gaze burning into your back the entire time. It isn't until the end of the game and you've missed the same ball multiple times that he steps in.

"Shift left," he directs you. When you glance over at him, he nods his head as if to insinuate where you should move but doesn't move from where he's planted himself since the beginning of the game.

Hesitantly, you shuffle over a half step and take the shot. The ball comes closer than you have been but still hits the sidewall just short of the pocket. You huff in frustration, and Rooster steps forward to take his turn, sinking his second to last ball in the same pocket.

"I hope you're ready to buy the next round, Seresin. Looks like Hawk is losing her nerve," Bradley goads, unable to keep himself from boasting a little at your expense. When it comes to Hangman, he can't resist the chance to taunt him.

You roll your eyes at his comment, not bothered so much by it as compared to the fact that you're losing. When it's your turn again, you line up the ball and lean down to assume your position when Jake stops you.

All the sudden he's right beside you, palm pressing into your hip to scoot you to the side. "Move over." When you look at him like he's crazy, he huffs. "C'mon, do you want my help or not?"

It isn't so much of a question as it is a statement and the press of his hand against your side doesn't leave you much of an option and so you shuffle over to the far right side of the pool table.

Before you can even comprehend what's going on, he's leant over you, his impossibly tall frame pressed to your back so that he can reach around you and guide your hands. One wraps around your hand on the stick and the other cups your opposite elbow.

It takes everything in you not to jerk away, overwhelmed by his sudden proximity. Instead you try to focus on controlling your hammering heart and pray he can't tell how clammy your palms suddenly are.

"Hey, that's not allowed," Rooster complains. "Is that allowed?"

Coyote shrugs. "It's not not allowed."

Distracted by their bickering, his voice in your ear nearly makes you jump. "Hit the cue ball. Hard."

The lean press of his body is almost enough to distract you from the fact that he's done a god awful job of lining up the shot. There's not one alternate reality where you make this shot.

"You can't be serious."

He's so close that you feel him smile beside your ear. "Dead."

"Any day now," Rooster prompts, as if you aren't aware that Jake Seresin has been pressed against you for an uncomfortably long amount of time. And if Hangman has noticed the fact that your heart is fluttering erratically inside your chest or that your skin is flushed hot to the touch, he doesn't let on. 

"I'm waiting," he reminds you, his voice placid in your ear.

Against your better judgement, you take the shot.

The white cue ball hurtles into the black eight ball with a hard clack and sends it flying across the table. It smashes against the sidewall, exactly as you had expected it to, and you release a breath of defeat. And then something unexpected happens. The ball slows, but instead of bouncing to a stop, it continues to roll left across the table. You all watch as it rolls directly into back corner pocket of the table.

"Well I'll be damned," Payback mutters aloud.

"Hell yeah, [L/n]!" Phoenix shouts, her loud and robust voice ringing out across the bar. "Shots are on Bradshaw!"

"Thanks buddy," Coyote laughs, teasingly grabbing the back of the brunette aviator's shoulders as he heads off for the bar.

Bradley waves them off, looking a bit miffed but still good naturedly accepting his defeat.

"How about it? You're a cold blooded killer."

Like a bucket of ice water being dumped over your head, the sound of Hangman's voice coming from behind you jerks you back to reality. You haven't even noticed that he'd stepped away. Something inside you twinges at the loss of his body pressed against yours.

You turn around to face him, your brain still trying to comprehend what just happened.

"How'd you do that?" you ask incredulously, your tone almost accusing. A deeper part of you wants to ask 'why did you do that' but the smile on his face stops you.

His top row of pearly white teeth that you glimpse is pristine, however brief, before his pink lips come back together in a more subdued smile. It's an expression that is so very genuine and carefree that it sends a spark straight through to your heart. You've never seen him actually smile before, and especially not at you.

"You're smiling," you accuse before you can stop the words from coming out of your mouth, half giddy at the discovery yourself.

Jake looks slightly away, turning his head briefly in order to suppress his smile before looking back to you. “Yeah? So?” His green eyes are twinkling as he says it, like he knows he’s been caught.

You jab the short end of the pool stick into the center of his chest, but he’s quick to grab it before it can find home.

“Up until yesterday, you could barely stand to even look at me,” you say.

He bites the inside of his cheek. “That’s not true.”

“So you’re saying that I’m seeing things.” You try to tug back on the pool stick but Hangman doesn’t release it.

“I’m saying you shouldn’t be seeing things.”

With that, a larger portion of the previous smile is gone from his face, a more sober look replacing it.

Just like that the spark fades. Even though you want to shut down, turn your back to his face and just walk away. You force yourself to keep talking, holding your voice steady. “I don’t think I’m following you.”

Inside you know exactly what he means.

His eyes flicker up over your shoulder but the Dagger squad has already moved on to crowd around Rooster at the piano.

You clamp your jaw together as he releases the pool cue and crosses his arms in front of his chest. It makes him look more relaxed than he is.

"Look, whatever this is—whatever you think I am, I'm not." He says this with the realistic conviction of someone who knows that even if it is, you can't. He says it like he’s trying to convince himself.

You’re not quite sure how old he is—barely thirty if you had to guess— but he’s older. Too old. Not to mention fraternization is deeply frowned upon.

"I know," you answer firmly. Because you do. Because even if it isn't, you want it, whatever it is.

He stares down at you with those green eyes, his pupils pinpoint sharp. After a moment he heaves a sigh and releases it, nodding his head. “So we’re in agreement?”

“Yeah,” you answer. “We’re in agreement.”

“Good.”

“Good.”

[prongspoet]

broken hearted | luke castellan.

first time writing for luke, so hope this is okay! tell me what u think in the reblogs i would love to know and get more luke asks!

summary: the curse of cabin 10 makes aphrodite!reader pretend to date her best friend so she doesn't have to cause a heartbreak to her actual crush. even though, at the end of it, she's the only one who had her heart broken. major inspo from this concept.

"You're staring." y/n' best friend, luke castellan, head counselor of the hermes cabin, pointed the fact out, side eying the girl right at his side, after looking at the boy sword training in front of them.

"he's staring back." the aphrodite girl said with a grin. the sunlight bathing her head making it comfortingly warm. luke would know, since he was the one caressing it while she laid down next to him. both of them on the grass, enjoying the late afternoon at camp. "so..."

michael dawson, ares' kid, was, in fact, staring. luke couldn't blame him, the way his best friend looked made everyone pay attention to her. she didn't even had to try. and still, the swordfighting happening in front of them made luke even more sure that mike needed a way so she could notice him. not naturally, but somehow, it worked, since the girl payed attention to him as soon as he started.

"oh well, like mother like daughter, huh. " he continued, in a mocking tone, holding his laugh, raising himself by his elbows, before taking one of his hands to the girl's arm. "your siblings wouldn't be too happy to see the goody two shoes dating an ares' kid, would they?"

"gods, don't fucking say that." she giggled, hiding her face with both of her hands. she went quiet for a second, still staring at the boy. "ares' kid or not.." y/n sighed, pouting slightly. "mike's nicer than the others, he wouldn't deserve to be a guinea pig."

"what do you mean?"

"you know what i have to do.” the girl muttered, with a soft sigh. she couldn't blame her mother, she worshipped aphrodite; her beauty, her power, her knowledge and her actions. that didn't mean that she enjoyed the judgment. the need to make someone else feel miserable just because she could. it wasn't fair. "the first love heart break thing."

"i'm glad i'm not in his shoes, that's for sure." the boy whispered, with a chuckle, still trying to be as quiet as possible. his thumb caressing her arm incessantly. it made her skin burn. in a second, y/n abruptly raised her chin, getting supported by her elbows, getting muffled groan from luke, once it hit his ribs. "what is it?"

"you could be!"

"am i your first love, daisy?" he raised one of his eyebrows, with a mischievous grin stamped on the boys face. the scar in his eye making itself more clear. "you should have told me sooner- ouch!"

"shut up, hero. listen to me!" he knew that tone. and as anyone else who had a single bit of sense, he kept quiet, wanting nothing more to hear her insane idea. "we could pretend to be boyfriend and girlfriend." the smile on her delicate face kept getting bigger as she explained her brilliant - yet not completely effective - idea. "i could pretend to break your heart. no one gets hurt, i can stay with mike after is over, and my mom ends up being proud of me!"

the aphrodite girl stared at him expectedly, hoping he would buy her insane plan, hoping he could save her from doing something he never imagined her doing it. luke got quiet for a minute. his eyes were darker than usual. he couldn't stand that. y/n knew her best friend well enough to know that he meant to say something. he never truly did. "you shouldn't be looking for her approval."

"i'm not searching for approval i'm just trying to prove myself.."

"you don't have to prove your devotion to her by doing this." his tone stern, more quiet. colder. "you burn offerings for her every single day. you pray, you're always expressing how incredible she is."

"you don't have to do it if you don't want to."

and suddenly, the idea seemed more appealing than ever. she wasn't using her charmspeak on him. no, luke knew how sugary and sweet y/n's words could be when she wanted to. at that moment, his best friend was just being honest. and even though he could retribute that feeling, luke felt that he needed to do it. just for her.

"yeah," he nodded. defeated. "fine, i'll do it."

"really?" the girl hugged him tight. more excited than ever. "thank you boyfriend!"

"yeah, yeah." he grinned, letting her rest her head on his chest, carefully watching y/n closing her eyes, like nothing else would ever bother her. "just don't be too mean when you dump me."

pretending was easy.

they've always been stuck to each other. having dinner with each other. burning offerings with each other. planning capture the flag with each other. training, swimming, talking, sneaking out to parties. always with one right after the other.

it wasn't supposed to be different, they just had to make it more believable.

"we should be holding hands," y/n pointed out as the couple walked calmly to the main area, where dinner was starting. "silena asked me why we never hold hands if we're dating, so i thought we could make it more..."

"real, yeah." luke nodded, grabbing her hand right the next second she spoke. "c'mon, girlfriend, hurry up." he grinned, and she couldn't help but grin back. "i'm starving."

luke could do that. he could kiss her in front of people, and tell everyone the way they got together. he could hold hands with her, caress her back and almost have a heart attack when she kissed him behind his ear. he could live with that, yeah. it was normal. it was pretending.

until it started to change. suddenly. quickly.

he noticed her. the eyes, the shape of her face, the way her eyebrows moved when she laughed, and the look she gave him every single time she entered a room he was already in, and luke couldn't help but pay attention at her soft hair, how excited she became while looking at pretty flowers, and especially, how her fingers felt against his own scalp when they needed to do some pretending. she was an aphrodite kid after all. y/n was charming. y/n was lovely. y/n was his girlfriend, at least for a while.

and she couldn't help but notice him either. how his scar looked more bright when they. the subtle, yet attentive and gentle way he taught her how to hold a sword, how to train, how to fight. the infuriating way at how he held her chin up slightly, every single time, before sealing his lips against hers.

and for once, neither of them were pretending.

the bonfire started earlier that night, but the couple came to it late; y/n helped one of her sisters who was in a small crises, and her sweet caring boyfriend waited for her by the aphrodite cabin's door, holding her hand as soon as she got out, so they could sit together at one of the logs, full of campers, chartering, telling stories, and enjoying the peacefulness that the simple event emanate.

luke choose one of the back logs for a reason, it was darker, harder to anyone else to see them. even so, as soon as the boy started to leave little pecks at her jaw, he was able to hear some whistles and exclamations. teenagers were gonna be teenagers after all.

"alright," y/n sat upstraight, taking a deep breath before continuing. "you can't do that here."

"i'm just having fun!" the boy said with a mischievous grin. he knew way to well what he was doing. she hoped he would do it forever. the teasing, the almost getting caught made her heart sink every time. "you are my girlfriend after all."

"don't get ahead of yourself, hero." she muttered, grinning at him, before sealing lips with him again. "i still have to break your heart."

"are you sure about that?" he furrowed his eyebrows, pretending to be offended, but getting right back at his job pretty quickly. "i'll just enjoy it until the time comes then."

she laughed, taking her head back so he could have full access to her neck, delicately taking one of her hands to his scalp. and he noticed how much he loved that sound. so much in a way he wished he could bottle it up so he could taste it every time he felt miserable. that wasn't possible. but y/n promised that as long as they were together, he was allowed to make her laugh any time he wanted to, if if meant getting him happy.

that's why it hurt even more when he did what he did.

when he revealed himself to be the traitor.

"come with me."

"i'm sorry, what the hell are you doing?" she cried out, feeling her heart beating faster than ever. "you're not thinking straight. you're not. you're not like this, i-" the words got caught up in her throat. y/n felt like she could pass out at any minute. "i know you luke." her voice was a mere pleading by then, hoping with all her soul he would hear. "you wouldn't do this to me."

"you mean a lot to me, daisy, but this is fucking different."

he was different, and she finally noticed. his eyes darker, his tone stern, and the way he held himself up, like he was prepared for a fight.

y/n would never fight him.

and he would never fight her, right?

and when luke turned his back against her, letting the aphrodite girl caught up with a sob, furrowing her eyebrows, feeling the tears already soaking up her eyes, y/n thought she understood.

maybe aphrodite didn't buy it. and even if she did, she knew it started out with a lie. y/n was playing house. thinking she could be smarter than her mom, she could prove it to everyone else how that curse was a lie, and that nothing would happen to the one that didn't completed it.

but it did happend.

no demigod could ever stand out a god. y/n was no exception.

and she finally understood that.

by the end of the day, y/n went back to her well known cabin, shamefully, missing her radiant aura and pretty smile, hiding a shattered heart in her pocket.

[klaus-littlestwolf]

The Solitary Omega -Klaus M.

This is one of my fav stories from my Wattpad so I thought I would post it on her for everyone

Warning:Daddy Kink, a/b/o dynamics, Alpha and Omega behaviors of my own design in some parts, smut (but that’s why you’re here so enjoy it🤣)

Vampires find their mates by scent like everyone else in the world, however there are no Omega vampires currently in existence, the last one having been 600 years ago and only existing, as far as anyone could tell, for a few weeks.  Vampires aren't attracted to Omega scents, most vampires are Alphas, very rarely scenting their mates in a Beta because very few vampires are submissive in any sense of the word.  Vampires want and need strong mates, craving the attention of another Alpha unlike humans where Alphas rarely mate with other Alphas, Alphas and Betas are the most common, making up about 92% of all mated pairs.  Alphas and Omegas make up about 7.5% of the rest leaving not even one percent to Alphas and Alphas.

As a human Klaus had always been attracted to Omegas, such as Tatia, however after the change they didn't smell appealing to him anymore and he didn't take them as a meal or a bed partner.  1000 years he spent no longer attracted to Omegas and to be honest, he missed them, their soft skin and sweet smell being everything he ever wanted, a mate to marry and bed, fill up with his pups and start a family, a family he could treat better than his had been in his life.  However as the years slowly went on it seemed less and less likely he would ever like ones smell again until after his first 100 years he gave up on the idea all together.  None of the Originals had ever met an Omega vampire, no one ever dumb enough to change one, until Mystic Falls that is.

The family had been undaggered and they were planning a ball, each writing their own invitations to whoever they wanted there for whatever reason.  He recognized all of the names until Elijah wrote a new one on the card, 'Y/Full/N'.  "Who is that brother?"

Elijah looked shocked.  "You've been here all this time and never met the Omega vampire?"  That sentence alone stunned him to silence, along with both Kol and Rebekah.  "Damon's friend, Y/n, well Y/F/n but she prefers Y/n.  I don't know how she was turned but she's lovely and very sweet, can't be more than a few vampire years old.  She undaggered me in the basement of the boarding house because she thought it was 'unfair' what Damon had done to me."  He chuckled.  "She still doesn't smell appealing however I'm not adverse to the scent either.  It's calming in a way, she's a very nice girl and I would like her to join the festivities.  You are all to leave her alone, she's my guest."  They nodded, all intrigued instantly.  "I mean it Kol."  Kol had been known to play with Omegas before but he shrugged, holding his hands up in defense.

"I'll be good."

"I actually find myself excited to meet her.  I'm intrigued."  Klaus admitted to his brother as they pulled up to the apartment complex on the edge of town, walking up to the door he knew was hers when Klaus smelled something mouth watering.  "What is that?"  He asked when Elijah knocked.

"What?"

"What is that sme-"  he was cut off by the door opening and being overtaken by the most amazingly warm, delicious scent he had ever smelled.  A shudder rushed over his body as the hair on his arms stood up and he couldn't help but inhale it for as long as he could.

"Elijah?  To what do I own this pleasure?"  She didn't seem thrilled to see him, but not put off either and Klaus found himself happy at the fact that she wasn't afraid of them.

"I wanted to request your attendance at our families ball, most of the town is invited but I wanted to make sure you knew you were my personal guest."  She seemed stunned, taking the invitation before looking back at them.

"Thank you, that's very sweet but I would have nothing to wear."  Klaus noticed her nostrils flare and she looked at him as they did, her eyes darkening and he felt a swell of pride at the fact that she clearly loved his scent as well.

"I will make sure you have a dress love, if I can make that happen...will you save me a dance?"  Again, shock filled her eyes but she couldn't hide her smile.

"I suppose I could do that, so long as you promise to be well behaved Mr. Mikaelson."  He bowed, holding out his hand and she took it, allowing him to kiss hers.

"I shall be on my best behavior, you have my word."  She smiled, taking her hand back.

"Then I would be happy to save you one dance.  Just one."  He couldn't help his amusement at her warning.

"By the end, you will want to dance the night away in my arms my dear."  She rolled her eyes, retreating back inside.

"Thank you for the invitation.  I guess I'll see you there, by the way, I'm not a conventional Omega.  I don't wear pink."  She smirked, closing the door and leaving him to laugh on his way back to the car.

"What was that about?!"  Elijah demanded as he shut his door, not liking his brother going against what he had said and teasing the girl who he had only ever seen be kind to everyone, including himself which if you're a Mikaelson, you know is rare when someone knows who you are.

"You didn't smell that?"  Elijah shrugged.  "She smells fantastic.  No...outstanding.  No...sensational!  I've never smelled an Omega like that, not even Tatia smelled like that, she's...wow..."  He sank back into his seat as Elijah began driving again.

"I don't think I've ever seen you like this.  Y/n's a sweet girl Niklaus, and she deserves more than your little one night Hump-N-Dumps."  The hybrid nodded his head quickly.

"You're right, she does.  She deserves everything...and I will give it to her!  Starting with the dress!  It has to be perfect...and I think I have just the one in mind."  Elijah rolled his eyes, driving closer to town and making Klaus look around.  "Where are we going?"

"To drop off your invitation for Miss. Forbes."

"No.  There's no time.  Forget Caroline, home!  We have to go home!"  He insisted and the look on Elijah's face was a mix of shock and genuine concern now, the last thing he ever expected was his brother to give up on Caroline for Y/n.

They went home and Klaus was out of the car quickly, running to the attic where much of the old clothes they had were kept, he came back down with a large box 10 minutes later, holding what Elijah assumed was a dress.

"I'll be back!"  He shouted and Elijah looked back to Kol, Finn, and Rebekah. 

"I'm telling you, this is either the moment of his redemption, or the moment of his demise, I'm not sure which.  Let's just hope Miss. Y/L/n doesn't treat him like Miss. Forbes did or were all in trouble."  They all knew Elijah was right.  Klaus had been infatuated with a women only a handful of times in his life but something about the look on his face was different this time and they all noticed it.  Even with Caroline there was a certain level of cockiness to their brother but the way Elijah had explained him looking at Y/n...they were all more than a little concerned.

Y/n's POV

Another knock on the door startled me and I had just jumped out of the shower making me pull on a pair of sweat pants and a tank top with nothing underneath.  "Hold On!"  I shook my wet hair out and yanked the door open to see Klaus again, this time with a large box in his hands.

"Hello Kitten."

"Hi."  It took me a second for the 'Kitten' to register but when it did I couldn't stop the blush that overtook my cheeks.  "I-I thought the ball wasn't until tomorrow-"

"It isn't, I just...I wanted to make sure you had the dress.  I knew I had the perfect one for you."  He handed it to me and I was touched but also skeptical, knowing everything I've been told about him.

"Thank you...if I open this and it's a short skirted, low cut thing that shows everything I have I'm going to slap you."  I informed him and he looked stunned.

"Of course not!  I would never do you the dishonor...not in public at least, I would never want anyone but me to see you in such a way.  I would like that to be for my eyes only."  I giggled at what I thought was his attempt at a joke before I saw he was serious.  "I'm interested in you, I can't believe I haven't met you before now and I intend to make my feelings clear.  I know you probably wouldn't accept being my date to the ball so I won't ask and upset you, but I haven't smelled an Omega who's scent was anywhere near as breathtaking as yours since I was a human and honestly, I believe ever."

I was stunned by his admission.  "That's sweet Klaus.  It would be sweeter if I didn't know you were already trying to get into Caroline's pants-"  he cut me off as I set the box on the table beside me.

"Caroline isn't invited to the ball."  My head snapped up to look at him quickly, shocked, knowing how insistent he had been for her to give him a chance, her having made me listen to several hours of her complaining about his advances.  Honestly it was just annoying to hear a beautiful girl talk non-stop about how a sexy vampire being infatuated with her was somehow an inconvenience.  "She said no to me for the last time so I'm letting Tyler go when I leave here and she's free to enjoy him.  If she's determined to be with a cheating asshole who am I to stand in the way, and before you say it, this isn't me rebounding onto you or whatever humans say now a days.  I would really like to get to know you.  Not just take you to bed (although I admit that will be on my mind as my most prominent fantasy from now on) but get to know you.  I want to know who Y/F/n is, your hopes and dreams, your likes and dislikes, hobbies and favorite foods.  I want to take you to expensive dinners and on fun day trips, spend an ungodly amount of time with you until people are so fed up by how cute we are that they can't stand to be around us anymore...I want to say I want to fall in love with you but I think that ship sailed the moment you looked at me with those gorgeous Y/EC eyes.  I will wait however long I must for you to give me whatever kind of chance you are willing, however I will start with one dance tomorrow night in this dress, with this on."  He handed me a smaller box and I took it, his warm fingers touching mine for the first time and making my skin tingle.  "This is yours now, your personal vervain filled necklace that I hope you never want to take off, it's been mine for a while and I'd really like you to have it...love to see you wearing it...I hope to see you tomorrow night love."  He took my hand and kissed it, before retreating and disappearing just before I shut the door.

I was absolutely floored as I opened the dress box, it was like he knew exactly what I would want to wear and gave it to me.  I then opened the smaller box he gave me and it was the necklace.

It looked old, very old and given his ancestry as well as how serious he seemed about it I assumed this necklace was a big deal to him, the feeling it gave me being enough to tell me that wearing this would be a promise to give him a chance, a real chance as my Alpha.  I set it on my bedside table and relaxed with some Game of Thrones for the rest of the night, looking over at the necklace every few minutes unable to get it out of my head before sighing and taking my time to get it over my head, settling it on my chest and something about it just feeling right.

I took my time getting ready the next evening, calling an Uber and getting a ride to the house about 15 minutes late, not wanting to arrive right on time.  Everyone seemed to already be inside when I got out of the Uber and I took a deep breath, walking in and quickly being handed a glass of champagne.  "Thank you."  The boy nodded and I looked around, walking through the ball room and the bar in aww of the house.  "Damn...how do people afford this shit?"  I mumbled to myself.

"Years of saving money."  I gasped, jumping and turning around as I heard a voice in my ear, seeing Klaus standing behind me.

"Oh god, I'm so sorry.  That was rude, I didn't mean-"

"Not rude at all.  I know I'm more well off than most, though I think it balances out considering I used to live in a one room hut with a dirt floor and 5 siblings." 

"That sounds awful...but also sort of fun.  I never had siblings, always felt like I missed out."

"There's positives and negatives.  Don't tell them but I wouldn't give them up for anything."  I nodded.

"I can tell how much you love your family, I think it's very sweet...misguided in some of the things you've done maybe, but loving.  Thank you for the dress, it's perfect.  I'm in love with it!  I think I took like, 200 pictures of myself tonight."  The smile on his face was well worth it.

"I'm glad, I was worried you wouldn't like it, it would be too dark-"

"Nothing is too dark for me.  I wear black 99% of my life, I just feel the most comfortable in it."  I finished the glass of champagne as I looked him over.  "You clean up nice, really nice, love the hair."  I giggled at seeing it slicked back.

"Are you making fun of me, Kitten?"  I gasped dramatically.

"I would never!"  He took the empty glass from my hand, placing it on a waiters tray before holding out his arm for me to take.

"Let me get you a drink, I'd like to show you something if I may."  I shrugged as he led me to the bar, the bartender dropping everything to serve him first.  "Bourbon and, what would you like sweet girl?"  I blushed at the nickname before looking up at the man.

"Long Island?"  He nodded and Klaus looked down at me as his bourbon was placed on the counter.

"You like fruity drinks?  I don't know why I didn't expect that."  I shrugged.

"My friends dad taught me to drink, he says you can't be an Omega and not know how to hold liquor in this day and age, too dangerous.  I can handle just about anything, though you never have to worry about me stealing your bourbon."  I told him, wrinkling my nose and he chuckled.  "If I was going to drink something it would probably be some kind of whiskey, I like fireball.  I just prefer things that don't taste like paint thinner if I can help it, taste better and get drunk faster, win win on the cocktails.  Though I don't need to be smashed tonight so this will be the last for a while I think."

"We'll get you some water later?"  He teased and I shoved him with my shoulder as he handed me my drink and took his own, leading me away from the crowd and through a door, up the back staircase.

"Are you going to murder me?"  I joked and he leaned close, sniffing my neck, growling.

"Maybe I am."  He was teasing me and I couldn't hide the chill that ran up my spine, making him smile.

"I think you have a lovely smile."  His smirk returned as I said this and I shook my head.   "Not smirk, smile.  A real smile, you don't do it a lot but I'm assuming you do it a lot with me compared to other people.  It makes your eyes light up."  I looked up at him as we stopped outside a door and he looked down at me, shocked.  "You have really pretty eyes."  I admitted and I could see a faint blush on his face.

"You do as well, they're a deep, amazing green that I could get lost in for hours if you will let me someday.  I also love this cute little button nose."  He teased, running his finger down the bridge of my nose.  "Perfect cheek bones...lovely red lips that I-Uh...anyway!"  He cut himself off.  "I want to show you a painting I did last night.  I just couldn't sleep until I got it out."  Klaus opened the door, taking my hand this time and pulling me inside, leading me over to the fire place and looking up at the painting over the mantle...it was me...or at least I think it was.  I definitely don't see myself like that, I'm beautiful.  It's so bright and well proportioned, I could never in my wildest dreams do anything like this.

"Klaus...this is...this is amazing!  Wow, I...just...wow!"  I moved to the bed beside us and sat on the edge, looking up at it, sipping the last of my drink and putting the glass on the table.

"I would like to draw you naked next."  He teased, sitting beside me and looking up at the painting.  "I'm not being forward, I promise, I really am interested in you.  I know it's only been a day but...I can't get you out of my head.  I would like you to be my Omega, I'm sure you get that all the time from Asshole Alphas that think they can just decide that you're theirs but I...I want you to choose me.  I want you to want me, want to be with me, want me to touch you and care for you and love you.  I understand though if everyone has scared you off of me too much, I just hope that's not the case."  He was right, people had tried to scare me when talking about Klaus, Damon and Stefan mostly, then Elena, once again pretending that everyone's lives revolve around her when in fact the only reason Klaus needed her was that she is a doppelgänger, not because she's just so amazing!  Lastly Caroline, who, like I said, would rant to anyone who would listen about the struggles of having a sexy, rich, hybrid artist fawn over her and shower her in gifts and wonderful drawings.  I sighed, getting up my nerve and standing, walking passed him and hearing him sigh as I shut the door, locking it.  He seemed to think I had left and I was quiet as possible when I unzipped the dress, watching him gulp the rest of his drink while I dropped the dress to the floor, sliding onto the bed and laying my head on the pillows.  He didn't seem to have noticed me before he stood up and turned to go to the door, seeing my dress on the floor, freezing before turning his head and looking to find me laid out on his pillows in my bra and panties.  "Holy fuck."  He breathed out and I giggled.

"Are you planning to draw me or what?  It's not exactly naked but-"

"You're perfect!"  He cut me off, jumping to grab his sketch book and sitting at the bottom of the bed.

"How do you want me?"  His eyes widened at my phrasing and I saw him try and discreetly adjust himself in his pants as he crept closer, lifting my hand over my head before turning the other one up and just as he was about to adjust my hips he stopped and looked at me, asking permission with his eyes and I found it sweet, making me nod.

"If anyone else ever sees this Klaus I swear to God-"

"I'll gouge their eyes out with a rusty spoon.  No one will ever look at you like this and live to tell the tale again...and this...this means what I hope it does?  That you want to be mine...that you'll let me be your Alpha?  Treat you the way you deserve?"  I smiled, nodding again and he moved his hands to shift my body into a better position for how he wanted to sketch me.

"Don't really know what you mean by the way I deserve but...I would like to call you Alpha."  I answered and it seemed to be enough.

"I want you to only call me Alpha...or Daddy."  He spoke as he began his sketching, causing me to purr at the idea and him to need to adjust himself again.

"Are you going to be able to go back to the party with that?"  I questioned, looking at the bulge in his pants and he chuckled.

"I'll be okay once I go to the bathroom."  I rolled my eyes but stayed still while he worked and I loved the intensity in his eyes as he drew me.

We were in there for about a half hour before he finished and once again I was breathtaking.  "I just work with what you give me."  He helped me back into the dress and led me back down the stairs to the party just as they were giving a toast.  He stopped me at the bottom of the stairs and joined his family as Elijah spoke, taking a champagne glass as I did and drinking.  I walked to the bar while Klaus spoke to Elijah about something before feeling a hand on my arm and turning to see Caroline.

"Where have you been Y/n?"

"Nowhere."  I took my drink and tried to walk around her but she stopped me again.

"Klaus didn't invite me to this himself, I had to come as someone's date, do you know why?"  I shrugged.  "Because he asked you."

"I think technically Elijah asked me, that's who my invitation was from anyway, but yes, he finally decided to let you be happy with Tyler like you wanted.  Go enjoy him. Have fun, be free of the man you called a nuisance."  She glared at me, taking her own drink.

"I wanted to have Tyler and enjoy being chased by a hot hybrid, until you."  I didn't know how to respond to that.

"You always said you hated his annoying advances, and how am I to control who he chases?"

"Turn him down!"

"Cause that worked so well for you?"

"Tell him to leave you alone, you don't like him, he should go back to chasing me, he'll listen.  I'm sure he misses me."  I rolled my eyes, turning to walk away.  "Don't walk away from me!"  She demanded, grabbing my hair and pulling me back, making me growl, grabbing her hand and pulling it away, breaking several fingers in my grasp.

"Don't forget how much older than you I am, I'm not fighting you for Klaus, he's already mine.  He stopped compelling Tyler and he's free to be with you now, be happy and stay away from me."

"Ladies?  Everything alright here?"  I heard my Alphas voice and it calms me like nothing else, even this fast after just accepting being his Omega.

"Yes Alpha, all okay here.  Caroline was just telling me how grateful she is to you for releasing Tyler."  Her glare became even stronger as she heard what I called him and he knew it was a lie but went with it.

"You're welcome Caroline.  I realized you were right, you and I never would have worked.  Is he here with you?"  She shook her head and I knew I had seen Tyler here.

"Is...is he with someone else?"  I couldn't stop myself from asking and her eye twitched slightly.  "Oh god Care, I'm so sorry!"

"If you're sorry you'll do what I asked."  She told me and I laughed.

"I'm sorry you got dumped but that doesn't mean I'm giving you my Alpha just because the option you liked better is gone.  He's a person, not some toy you can put down and pick up whenever you want to play with him, you treated Klaus like shit, I'm not going to make that mistake.  I'll treat my Alpha like the king that he is."  I told her, reaching up and brushing my fingers down his jaw, loving the happiness in his eyes as I did.

"My sweet girl."  He rumbled happily in his chest, kissing my forehead.  The next thing I knew I was covered in what I'm assuming was champagne as Caroline threw her drink on me and I rolled my eyes in exasperation.

"I liked this dress Care, that was a mistake."  She scoffed, about to say something snotty when I reached my hand up and drilled my fist straight into her face.  I got 4 punches in before my Alpha finally stopped me, everyone in the bar area, which thankfully was only about 10 people, were now staring at us in shock, her face now gushing blood all over her dress as I had very clearly broken more than just her nose.  "You know I hit like a man Care, I don't throw bitch punches!  Shouldn't have thrown your drink on me!"  Klaus began carrying me to the back door to get us out of here.  "Stay away from my Alpha!  Next time I'll break every bone you have!"  I shouted before he finally shut the door and hauled me into the kitchen where no one was allowed and back up to the top of the stairwell.

"That was uncalled for Y/n...but thank you."

"I get that you're kind of a dick but that's no reason to treat you like trash, you're not trash. Been nothing but nice to me..." I nuzzled into his neck and he held me tightly to his chest despite the champagne all over me. "I need a shower...I should go home." I admitted and he whined sadly. "I don't want to either but I don't have any clothes with me, just my clutch that I left in your room-"

"Borrow something of mine to sleep in, shower and stay here tonight. We'll abandon the rest of the party, substitute the dance you promised for some cuddling?" I considered it for a moment before sighing, knowing I was going to say yes.

"Okay Alpha, I'll spend the night. Just get me out of this, I'm starting to feel sticky." He lifted me up, blurring to his room and shutting the door behind him, setting me on the bathroom floor. He leaned down to turn on the water and I quickly dropped the dress, bra unhooking along with it and panties coming down as he set the water to a good temperature.

"Alright, that should be good. Leave your clothes and I'll take them when I leave something you can sleep in on the coun-" he cut himself off as he turned to see me now completely naked.

"Or, you could go get me the clothes, throw those into the hamper and join me in the shower, I think you have some champagne on you too, better safe than sorry, don't you think?" I pulled him close to me, hand on the back of his neck as I pulled him to my level, noses brushing, lips so very close and I noticed his breathing quicken. "My Alpha. Mine." I growled and he groaned, prompting me to connect our lips roughly. His hands found my waist and he pulled me close, trailing them down to my ass where he squeezed firmly causing me to moan against his lips. He used that to his advantage, shoving his tongue between my them and exploring my mouth almost obsessively, as if he expected me to stop him any minute, which I did as I shivered with a chill.

"You're cold. Get in the shower, I'll be right there. Is a shirt and boxers enough or do you need more cause I can snatch something from Rebekah-"

"It's fine Alpha, just hurry up." His eyes trailed over my body as he backed out of the room, rushing quickly to his dresser as I stepped into his shower which was an amazing shower that very clearly had heated floors and a marble seat just out of the water. The shower head was rectangular, about 2 feet long in the very large space and directly over head. The glass wall of the shower was charcoal, not completely clear glass which I loved and the walls seemed to be black quartz or something, his bathroom being overall dark but still light enough that it was inviting and I was instantly in love with it, even the water pressure being perfect. "Getting lonely!" I called out as he took too long.

"You're very distracting. Sorry." He admitted and I turned my head to see him shirtless and leaning against the counter, my dress was gone and instead there were 2 sets of clothes on the sinks. I leaned my head back under the water, turning my body around so he could now see the front of me, my nipples hard at the idea of being watched by him for who knows how long and I could feel my pussy was soaked while he just continued watching me.

"How long is my Daddy going to stand there watching?" He growled, eyes shining yellow as I called him that for the first time.

"As long as I want Kitten, can't I just enjoy the sight of my Omega?" The emphasis he put on that was possessive and to anyone but an Omega might be scary but I adored it, loving and craving someone wanting me so terribly.

"Hmm, guess I'm going to have to get myself off, huh?" I trailed my hands from my hair where they were brushing through in the water, over my chest and squeezing my breasts lightly before slowly turning back around and away from him as one hand stayed on my tit and the other tailed down to my pussy.

"Y/n, turn around." He warned and I threw my head back, gasping at the feeling of my fingers on my clit. "Omega! Now! Don't be naughty our first night together, Daddy knows you're a good little girl. I just want to watch you for a moment, why are you denying your Alpha?" I whimpered at the thought, my Omega brain now set on the fact that this man is my Alpha, this man is going to be my mate and even unbonded all I want to do is please him, making me turn back around and him groan as he sees my 2 fingers on my clit, rubbing slowly. "Such a fucking tease Y/n." He growled, palming over his length, now hard under his boxers and suit pants.

"You too. Want you Alpha, please? I'm so wet for you!" My eyes had closed at some point but they snapped open as I heard his belt clatter and he quickly unbuttoned them, letting them and his boxers fall around his ankles, kicking them off and hopping into the shower beside me. I reached my hands out for him and he took them, placing them onto his shoulders, pulling my body flush against his so I felt his cock against my lower belly as he wrapped his arm around my back, the other hand grabbing my chin and turning it to face up at him as he leaned down, pressing our lips together again.

"All mine sweet girl, all mine. I'll never get tired of saying it. Mine!" I whimpered, nails digging into his back as his hips rocked against my body, cock rubbing against my damp skin to gain some friction.

I opened my eyes, looking up at him and grabbing his hips to make him stop, his eyes quickly looking down at me. "Mine." I stated, nothing else, just one word.

"Yours, all yours little wolf-"

"If she comes near you again you tell me and I'll kill her. Don't want her to even look at you, you understand?" I questioned and he smirked.

"I have myself a jealous little thing, don't I-"

"She doesn't care for relationships or mating, she has no respect. She would touch you, no one will ever touch you besides me again." He looked stunned, whether it was by my attitude or the fact that he was only going to be with me for eternity I didn't know. "If that's not what you want, let me go now-" the growl that escaped him was vicious as he grabbed ahold of my hips, pinning me to the wall.

"You think I did all this only to use you once?! You're mine Omega! All fucking mine! No one else will ever touch you again, my hands, my tongue, my cock-"

"No one will ever touch you again either. Can you live with that?" He snorted, smiling and nodding.

"Of course Y/n. I want you to be my mate. If she ever even bats her eyelashes at me suggestively I promise I will tell you. Now, no more talk of Caroline, let me have you. All mine pretty girl, All Fucking Mine!" He grabbed ahold of my waist, lifting me up and I wrapped my legs around his hips, snuggling close and pressing my lips to his as he guided his cock to my entrance, wasting no time in waiting to have and mark me after this incident, needing us both to be sure that no one else would ever come between us again, needing to mark each other so no one could ever steal our mate again.  "Fuck!  So tight Omega, so fucking perfect for me!"  He groaned, needing to take it slowly until he bottomed out so as not to hurt me.

"Alpha!  So big Alpha, stretching me so good!  Never...so big..."  I whimpered at the pain though I was enjoying it as well and he could clearly see that as he pulled back from my neck to look at my face.

"All mine, my tight, little pussy!  Gonna mark you up so good no one will ever even be able to imagine fucking you without seeing my face.  Tell me...tell me I can move?"  I took a deep breath before nodding and he pulled back, easing his cock back into me before doing it once more and slamming home the third time.

"Fuck!  Oh My God Daddy!"  I used the wall behind me as leverage to hump my hips into him, my legs tightly wrapped around his waist.

"Daddy's here sweet girl, all Daddy's."  I honestly don't understand how he hasn't put a hole in the wall behind me yet but I wasn't about to complain, never having been fucked quite like this in my life.

"Daddy!  So good!  Never been so good!"  The rumble that came from his chest was a pleased sound, clearly he was very happy to know he made me feel so good where other Alpha's failed.  He pulled me closer, if at all possible, turning and sitting on the shower seat so that he could thrust up into me, slamming his cock into me even harder and making me cry out in a mixture of mild pain and intense pleasure.  "Da-ddy!  Don't st-op!  Never Stop!  Want you to fuck me forever!"  I felt tears leak from the corners of my eyes as my lower belly tightened, a feeling I had only ever given myself in the past.  "Oh...oh shit...Alpha...I...I need-"

"I know Omega, Daddy knows what you need.  Your Alpha will always give you everything you need, my pretty little Kitten.  Cum for me Y/n, cum all over your Alphas cock, cum for me while I mark this perfect little neck-"

"Daddy!  Oh Daddy!"  I couldn't stop the squeal that came from my throat as my pussy constricted around him, the tension in my tummy finally becoming too much as my fangs dug into his neck.

"There's my girl, so good for me, such a perfect little princess, cumming so good for her Alpha.  Fuck...so tight around me, so close I-"  I scratched my nails up his shoulders and squeezed my pussy as tightly as I could before feeling him finish, heat spreading through me as he came, quite a lot it seemed, stilling inside of me and burying his face into my neck.  His fangs digging into my neck was the next thing I noticed, feeling the burn of his venom spreading through me though it didn't hurt, at least not right away. 

As I felt truly finished with injecting my venom I released his throat, relishing in the feeling of the pleasurable heat inside of me and my mates skin pressed all over mine just a second before the venom in my neck began to burn.  I could tell he was still pumping me full of venom and cum so I stayed still, ignoring the pain for as long as I could, my nails digging into his skin again though this time out of genuine pain as the burning got worse, now spreading through my veins. 

As a vampire, half of his venom is toxic to me, though the vampire in him as well as his werewolf half needed to mark me desperately, and as his Omega it's all I wanted, needing to mark my Alpha as well.  It would be perfectly fine as long as he heals the negative effects the werewolf part of the venom could have on my body though it would be days before I was in any real trouble.  I underestimated how badly the venom spreading would hurt though, just wanting my Alpha to be able to enjoy this moment that he's been waiting for, for over 1000 years.  Unable to hide it any longer I accidentally let out a pain filled whimper and he seemed to snap back to reality, pulling his fangs away and looking down into my eyes.  The pain eased as he released me and I smiled up at him, kissing my Alpha and hearing that happy rumble in his chest, starting to purr for him but not being able to hold it very long, trying again for only a second and making him pull back from the kiss to look at me, concerned.  "Omega?"  I whimpered and he looked over me slightly before seeing the black veins spreading from the mateing mark he had delivered me.  "Oh God, I'm so sorry!"  I shook my head as he bit into his wrist and pushed it between my lips.  "I didn't even think about that!  My venom is toxic to you...I can't even mark you without hurting you..."

"No!"  I whined as I felt the pain disappear.  "Loved it Alpha, didn't start hurting right away.  Just need to drink when you mark me from now on, I didn't think about it either.  Next time I'll take some of your blood and it won't hurt me a bit."  I reached my hands up to his face and pulled him close to kiss me again.

"Promise me?  Don't let me hurt you-"  I shook my head.

"Loved it Daddy, didn't start hurting for almost 10 seconds.  Just gotta drink from now on, please don't stop?  Need you to mark me Alpha!  Need it!"

"No, no, Shh.  Of course I'm going to mark you sweet girl, nothing will stop me!  Daddy will never deny his Omega his mark, I promise.  Don't worry, all mine."  He leaned back in, pressing his lips to his mark and giving me a chill straight down my spine. 

"Snuggle Alpha?"  I questioned, my eyes feeling drowsy as my glands began the job of settling his scent all through my bloodstream and body, adjusting to my new mated status which was a bit of a stressful thing on an Omegas body.  Settling an Alphas scent takes some time which is why most newly mated pairs don't emerge from their nest again for several days.

He seemed to be able to tell right away, nuzzling into my neck and kissing over his mark.  "Of course sweet girl, Alpha will always snuggle you-"

"Always?  Love snuggles Alpha."  He nodded, pressing his lips to mine.

"Always.  My precious girl will never be deprived of her Alphas warm arms wrapped around her."  He shut off the water and stepped out of the shower, wrapping a black towel around me to keep me warm as he quickly dried himself off and pulled on his boxers, caressing me with the towel quite thoroughly until I was dry enough to put the boxers on as well as the Henley shirt.  He wrapped my hair up in a bun so I could deal with it later and hoisted me back into his arms, blurring us to his bed and snuggling me to his chest.  We spent quite a bit of time just snuggled like that until there was a knock on his door making my Alpha sigh, kissing my head and jumping up.  "What can I help you with brother?"  He questioned as he opened the door to find, I'm assuming, Elijah.

"You left in the middle of the party brother and it smells like sex in here.  Don't you dare tell me you brought someone up here when you're meant to be 'woo'ing Y/n!  I told you, she's a sweet girl and she deserves more than half your attention or a one night Fuck!  I swear to everything that is holy Niklaus, I-"

"It's okay Elijah...I think I'm going to be here for a while."  I spoke up, sitting up in the bed as Nik moved enough for Elijah to see me.

"Oh...that was fast.  Much faster than I anticipated..."  he stopped himself, pushing passed his brother and appearing beside me, tilting my head to bear my throat which made me whimper and Nik snarl quite loudly.  "I'm sorry, that was rude of me, I just-"

"She’s not settled yet brother,she needs to sleep if you don't mind."  He pulled his hands away, stepping back.

"My apologies Y/n, I would never...um...we can talk another time then."  I nodded, scootching away from the suited man.  “Damon snapped Kol’s neck-"

"What?!"  Nik growled and I whined.  He was suddenly by my side again, kissing my head to relax me.

"I don't know much but they seem to have made each other upset.  Everyone has left, mother seemed to have enjoyed herself."  I flinched slightly and Nik looked down at me.

"What was that?"  I shook my head.

"Nothing.  I don't want anything to do with it, just like I told Damon...please leave me out of it?"  I begged, not wanting anything to do with their clearly corrupt mother.

"Do with what Omega?"  I bit my lip to stop from saying anything.  "Omega..."  he warned and I sighed.

"Your mother wanted to talk to Elena tonight about something important.  She thinks your mom still wants to kill you but she wasn't sure exactly what she wanted.  She was supposed to meet her tonight, I don't know anything else.  I don't want to know, I don't Alpha."  He looked at Elijah, seeming to have a silent conversation.

"We can talk tomorrow about it, don't you worry sweet girl, you won't be dragged into anything anymore.  I'll come see you in the morning brother.  My Omega needs to sleep."

"Of course.  Good night little one."  I waved to my suited friend.

"Night night Eli."  He shut the door behind him and Nik snuggled back into me.

"You sleep my love.  We will spend the whole day together tomorrow, and you will feel all better."

"Yes Alpha.  All better."  I mumbled, my eyes drifting shut and my body giving way to sleep.

'Where did you go last night?  Caroline said you are dating Klaus now?!'  The text from Damon was what woke me up, Nik still asleep wrapped around me as I grabbed my phone from the clutch on his bed side table.

'I don't know what she's on about but I went home.  I had enough to drink and she got snappy because Tyler was with another girl.  Why?  Is something going on again?'

I looked back at Nik, brushing my fingers through his hair and kissing his nose as he began moving.  "Good morning."  I whispered and he smiled, opening his eyes to see me.

"Best morning.  The best morning I've ever had in 1000 years of life, waking up with my Omega in my arms for the first time.  I love you."  He pressed his lips to mine just as my phone dinged again.

"I love you too Alpha.  You're going to wake up with me in your arms for the rest of forever.  Enjoy it."  I looked back at my phone, opening the messages and knowing I couldn't not tell Nik about this instantly.

'Esther is using Elena's blood to help bind her children together and kill them.  The usual in this town I think.'

"Daddy?  I need you to promise me that if I show you something you're not going to get angry.  I need you to remember our bond is still settling and I need a calm environment and a loving mate."  He looked startled by this.

"I would never upset you, especially not now, and you're always safe with me.  Why, what's wrong?"  I handed him the phone and let him read the texts.  "Sweet girl, I'm going to borrow this for a moment to show my brother.  You wait right here, nice and calm, nothing for you to worry your pretty little head about." He said all that but rushed from the room rather quickly making me sigh before seeing Kol walk passed the room, glancing in and seeing me.

"Hello...who are you?" His smirk showed all his teeth in a threatening way making me pull the blankets closer.

"Your brothers Omega." Was my answer and he held his hands up as if to show me he was unarmed.

"Congratulations. Niklaus has always wanted an Omega. I'm surprised one was finally stupid enough to give him the time of day." I hissed at that, baring my teeth this time, making him smile. "Where did Nik run off to, leaving his settling Omega?"

"To tell Elijah that your mother is trying to kill you." His face fell at that before sighing.

"I knew it. I knew her loving us was too good to be true, I can't believe I..." he sighed and I could see the hurt on his face, making me take his hand to comfort him. He looked up at me, considering me for a moment before smiling a little. "Thank you. You're a sweet Omega. Nik got himself a good one it seems. I actually thought she might be serious this time, I...I feel stupid." I shook my head quickly.

"No matter how old you are she's your mom. The fact that she's trying to hurt you is unnatural and monstrous, don't feel badly sweetie." I pulled him close and he laid down, head now on my lap as I ran fingers through his hair.

"Can I stay here until Nik comes back?" I considered it and seeing as he wasn't being threatening I nodded, patting the bed beside me, him crawling up and snuggling into me, head on my chest, wrapping the blankets around me but staying on top of them himself which I found kind. I ran my fingers through his hair as he snuggled into me, enjoying whatever kind of comfort he was getting from me right now.

We stayed that way silently for about 20 minutes and just when I was drifting back off to sleep Nik walked back in. "Thank you for being patient my love, I...KOL!" We both jumped, him having startled both of us from a half sleep making me whine loudly. "No, no. Calm down my sweet, it's alright. Kol, what are you doing." He was trying very hard not to snap and growl at him and I very much appreciated his trying.

"Nothing! Your Omega is very comforting, I like her Nik. You picked a good one. She gives me head scratches."

"Kol, I'm trying very hard right now, you see that don't you? Very hard not to kill you."

"No killing. Go Kol, we can hang out sometime I'm not so newly mated, okay?" He looked over at me and nodded, jumping over me out of the bed.

"Thanks Y/n...you're not so bad."

"Thanks?" He shut the door behind him and Klaus took his place as soon as he was gone.

"What was that?"

"I told him about your mom and...it really upset him. I guess he tried to convince himself she was being real this time. It's natural. No matter how old you are there will always be a part of you that just wants your mom, and your mom is kind of a cunt it seems so that really does a number on you I'm sure." He nodded and I kissed his head, holding him to my chest to snuggle and go back to sleep before the door burst open again. "I'm going to have to go home to get some sleep in this fucking house!"

"What is this I hear about you saying our mother wants us dead?!" Rebekah was now in the room, hissing angrily and I rolled my eyes.

"I'm leaving."

"No! No you're not my love, lay down. No one else will come in, I promise. Out Rebekah! Sleep pretty girl, Alpha will be right back." I sighed, laying back down as he forced her out.

"Alpha? Are you kidding me?" He shoved her violently before shutting the door and that's the last I heard for a while until the door opened again and I saw Finn.

"Is the whole Mikaelson family going to pay a visit today?" I was immediately nervous when he closed the door behind him, making me move away.

"I never actually thought an Omega would get into bed with my devil brother. You know it's why he really daggered me don't you? Because I told him such?"

"Well I don't think he's the devil. I mean, he's a Dick, but not the devil, and he's nothing but good and kind to me. Finn...you're scaring me, p-please? Please leave?" I felt tears well up in my eyes as he stepped closer anyway.

"Why does my little brother, the worst of us all, get to be happy when my Sage is dead and I have to live alone? Answer me that little Omega, hmm?" I was instantly confused by that as I finally jumped from the opposite side of the bed.

"Sage? The girl that taught Damon to be a vampire? The red head? She's not dead!" He glared as I said it, appearing in front of me instantly and grabbing my throat tightly, holding me against the wall.

"Don't you lie to me! My mother told me that she was gone-"

"Mother...lie...wants...dead..." I choked as well as I could with his tight grip.

"What?" He released me and I fell to the floor instantly.

"ALPHA!" I screamed as loudly as I could, shoving the bedside table out and hiding behind it.

"Is she really alive? Really?" I nodded, cowering away as he looked at me but stopped coming closer, standing with a shocked look on his face as the door was thrown open violently and suddenly my Alpha was growling at Finn angrily.

"What are you doing?!"

"Nothing I...I'm so sorry little one...thank you..." he was gone instantly and Nik was in front of me looking very sorry.

"I'm so sorry love. My first day as your Alpha and I'm rubbish at it...come, let's get you comfortable. No one else will come in, I will make sure of it. Trust me?" He held his hands out and I paused but took them, allowing him to settle me into bed before he went back to the door. "The Next Person Who Enters This Room Without My Permission Will Get Their Throat Ripped Out! UNDERSTAND?!" I heard a few scattered 'yes'' before he was gone again making me whine, returning 10 seconds later. "I'm having breakfast made for us my love. They will knock and leave it by the door for us so you don't have to see anyone else. I'm so sorry pretty girl. So sorry." I nuzzled back into my Alphas neck and let him hold me, only wanting his comfort after everything that had just happened. "Nap until the food comes, we'll eat and watch a movie, then I'll scent you again. That should help. Relax." He was petting my head as he made that familiar rumbling sound in his chest that calmed me, sending me right off back to sleep in his arms.  I didn't wake back up until there was a light knock on the door and Nik jumped up, getting the tray from the maid who didn't even try to come in.  "Hungry Kitten?"  I nodded and he kissed my head, taking the top off of the tray and revealing 2 omelets, a plate of sausage, a plate of toast, and a plate of bacon.  "Eat baby, you're safe.  I promise, nothing is going to harm you again.  I don't care if it's Elijah himself, if someone comes through that door their neck is getting snapped.  Safe to eat."  He kissed my forehead again and turned on the tv. He wrapped himself around me and I ended up feeding him as he rubbed himself over my skin, scenting me.

"Wanna stay like this forever Alpha." I admitted and he stopped his movements, kissing my head and turning me to see him.

"Then we will, we'll stay in this room, have our meals brought to us on silver platters, do nothing but snuggle, eat, sleep and mate for the rest of our existence." His teasing made me giggle as I leaned against him, laying back down to sleep again and he continued. "No more mother, or Salvatore's, or pesky annoying siblings, just mated bliss forever, all for you my lovely Y/n." He kissed my shoulder as I drifted off again. I knew there would be problems to be dealt with tomorrow and the next day and probably the next day but for now I would relax and just enjoy this contentment, the beginning of a long and happy life with my Alpha.

Klaus Mikaelson Masterlist

[rubyreduji]

timeless — ljh

summary: you’ve just met jihoon, yet something about him feels familiar

tags: fluff, romance, reincarnation?, gn!reader warnings: arranged marriages, mentions of death and war  reader notes: no pronouns or explicit gender descriptions but they do take a more feminine role in history, jihoon picks up the reader but my mans is strong okay don’t worry wc: 10.3k an: i’ve been writing this for over a month now fjdskla and i like the finished product but im a bit worried the format is choppy but either way please enjoy and show it lots of love...also happy first fic of the 2nd year of rubyreduji!!!

“Soonyoung, stop it!” You scold your best friend as he giggles at you.

“Just go talk to him!” Soonyoung tells you, pushing you towards the door to the antique shop next to your favorite boba place. 

Him refers to the cute cashier you always see through the windows when you and Soonyoung go and get boba (which is about three times a week). It’s nothing more than a hallway crush but Soonyoung keeps insisting that it could be more than that if you would just go talk to him. 

You don’t actually want to talk to the boy who stands at the counter with a smile, but before you can stop him Soonyoung is opening the door to the store and forcing you inside. When you turn around to chew your best friend out, you find him not there, his back already retreating to the boba shop. 

A part of you wants to just dash back out the door but the bell attached to the door has already gotten the attention of the cashier and you can’t escape now.

“Welcome to The Eternity Emorpium, today anything marked with a green sticker is 20% off.” The voice isn’t what you expected Cute Cashier to sound like but when you turn around to face him, you realize you’re not talking to Cute Cashier at all.

Rather than the tall boy with glasses you’ve been peeking in on for the past few months, you come face to face with a short yet buff boy with long black hair. He most definitely is not the guy you came in for, but you have to admit he is just as (if not more) cute than the other cashier.

You’re not sure how you didn’t notice that your normal Cute Cashier wasn't behind the counter, but in your defense you were too busy fighting off Soonyoung.

You give the new cashier—who you have now dubbed Even Cuter Cashier—a smile, before pretending to look at all of the memorabilia set out. The actual shop is nice with an obvious theme and specific layout that only someone with an eye for aesthetic and organization could create. On the speakers a Bruno Mars song is playing and you wonder if it's the cashier who has control over the music or just a general store playlist.

You feel awkward walking around the shop, letting out fake hums every once in a while to make it seem like you're actually shopping and not just sneaking glances at Even Cuter Cashier whenever you can. You stop in front of a playing card deck and you pick it up, flipping it over in your hand a couple of times.

"Oh, we just got those in," Even Cuter Cashier says, startling you a bit. "Put them on the floor this morning. You into cards?"

"Oh, uh," Shit. This is your chance to talk to him, "yeah. My dad is more of a collector than I am, but I can see the appeal."

"Nice. Yeah I'm more of a guitar collector myself, but my wallet wishes I wasn't," he says and you both laugh.

"That's cool though. I would love to learn how to play an instrument but I definitely don't have the talent or patience for that." As you speak with the man you slowly start to drift towards the counter.

"Hey, anyone can be talented, it just takes practice." You quickly glance down at Even Cuter Cashier's name tag to see his actual name is Jihoon.

"Good inspirational quote, but I think I'll just stick to the playing cards," you tell him with a grin as you set the pack down in front of him.

Jihoon just pushes the cards back to you and when you give him a questioning look he just grins. "They’re on the house.”

“Oh no, you don’t have to do that,” you tell him.

“I wanted to,” he says. “Maybe it’s just my plan to get you to come in here again.”

You smile at Jihoon, your face starting to turn a bit hot. You pick up the pack of cards and bid goodbye to the cashier before turning and leaving. Soonyoung is standing outside the door with two boba cups in hand. He peeks in when you open the door and frowns.

“That’s not Cute Cashier.”

“Nope! That’s Even Cuter Cashier,” you tell your best friend.

“You’re abandoning the other guy already?”

“I can’t abandon someone I don’t even know,” you scoff, “and anyway, I think I like Even Cuter Cashier. Something about him…it feels like destiny.”

Soonyoung laughs at you, but you ignore him, your mind still lingering on the dark haired boy from earlier. The more you think about him, the more your heart starts to grow warm. You can’t place it, but something about Jihoon feels familiar, and you need more.

1500s

“You are to be married to Prince Wonwoo before the solstice hits.”

Your head shoots up, staring at your father, not sure if you hear his words correctly. There’s no possible way he said that. You can think of a dozen reasons why that’s impossible, a few including: 1. You’ve never met Prince Wonwoo in your life, why would he want you as his betrothed? 2. You two did not have a courtship and it would be a scandal for you two to get married without presenting as a couple to the public first. 3. Your family is not nearly important enough to be noticed by royalty. 4. (And this is the biggest one) You are in love with someone else.

Well, your father doesn’t know that you’re in love with someone else, but it’s still an important fact to note.

Despite all of these reasons, your father continues to talk about the arrangement, not noticing the shock on your face. You wonder about how it came to be, and without you hearing even a whisper about it.

“You will be meeting with a royal advisor in two days, please do not cause any trouble.” With that your father walks ways, leaving you with a million questions brewing your mind.

The main one being: how are you going to tell Jihoon about this?

For over a year now you’ve been seeing the same man, sneaking out whenever you can to meet him. He came into town with a bang (quite literally — his caravan practically falling apart with all of his belongings crashing to the ground as it did) and you’ve been captivated by him since. 

Your days are never boring when Jihoon is around, the two of you either going on adventures or hanging out in Jihoon’s (new) caravan. Though, you think your most favorite times spent with Jihoon are late at night, when you two meet up on the outskirts of your estate grounds, right on the edge of the forest.

There never is any guessing as to what Jihoon has planned. Some days you two walk around the garden under the moonlight, talking and gazing up at the stars, while other nights you’re whisked off to another town to dance the night away in a hidden tavern. You love the guise of the night, being able to do whatever and be whoever without the fear of onlookers and their judgment. It’s just you and Jihoon in your own little world.

Maybe that’s why you’ve been keeping him a secret for so long, you like keeping him all to yourself. No one can taint your relationship if they don't know about it. Though you suppose that has backfired on you now.

You don’t see your father for the rest of the night and when the sunsets and you slip out the back door and walk down to the forest edge, you do it with a heavy heart. As always Jihoon is standing next to the tree he carved your initials in, a wide grin on his face and a bouquet of flowers in his hands.

As soon as he spots you approaching his face lights up in a grin. He trots up to you the rest of the way, scooping you up into a hug.

"I've missed you," he says, pressing kisses to your lips and cheeks. You giggle at his antics.

"You saw me two days ago, my dear."

"Oh but that's two days too long for an aching heart in love." 

Other people may think it's cheesy but you can't help but adore the sweet way Jihoon talks to you, always putting his poet background to good use. You smile as Jihoon holds you in his arms, but soon the good mood is ruined by the news you remember you have to break to him.

"What's wrong, my love?" Jihoon asks, seeing the fallen look on your face. He reaches up and pushes your hair out of your face, a habit he has picked up since you two met. 

You just sigh and shift so you're out of Jihoon's embrace. Automatically you miss his strong arms around your waist, but you can't bear to look at him as you talk.

“My father has given me away to another man,” you tell him in a hushed voice. 

“Who?” Jihoon responds automatically. “I won’t let him take you. I-I’ll fight.”

You finally turn towards Jihoon, the solemn look still firm on your face. “I’m betrothed to Prince Wonwoo.”

“Prince Wonwoo?!” Jihoon looks taken aback. You don’t blame him. Suddenly he deflates. “How am I going to beat that?”

You’re not sure how to respond. The truth is Jihoon can’t compete. That doesn’t mean you’re going to give up hope on him, though.

“We’ll…we’ll figure something out,” you finally say. You step closer to Jihoon, allowing him to wrap you up in his embrace once again.

“I’m not giving up on us,” Jihoon tells you, pressing a kiss to your forehead.

“We’ll be fine. We have to be.”

When your father told you you’d be meeting with a royal advisor, this isn’t exactly what you were expecting.

When you arrived at the castle you were amazed at the size of it, but you weren’t allowed to gawk for long, being ushered into a sitting room where two men were already conversing. Neither were your soon to be husband though and you wondered when you might actually get to meet the prince.

The two men soon introduced themselves as Soonyoung and Mingyu, two of Prince Wonwoo’s most trusted men. Now two hours later, you’re starting to question the judgment of your betrothed.

Not only are the men completely scatterbrained and disorganized, they also seem to bicker more often than not, making it difficult for you to understand everything they’re telling you. The only thing you really comprehend is that you’re going to be spending a lot more time with the two men up until the wedding.

You’re given a schedule at the end of the day, your upcoming weeks all planned out for you already. Meeting with wedding coordinators, royalty training, garment fittings, and everything else of the like. You frown, thinking about your normally free schedule has now been filled.

Luckily for you, the meeting finished earlier than expected and you don’t hesitate to direct yourself towards the area where Jihoon’s caravan resides. Your lover is delighted to see you but before he can get any words out you’re throwing yourself at him, pulling him into a kiss. You’re desperate to drown in Jihoon and forget reality even just for a moment.

It isn’t until later that you and Jihoon finally exchange words. 

“I can hear you thinking,” Jihoon says. You two lay next to each other on his bed, bare bodies pressed together under the linens. Your head rests on his chest and his hands card through your hair. “Was I not satisfactory in taking your thoughts away? What is troubling your mind so much?

“Prince Wonwoo.”

“You’re thinking about Prince Wonwoo after laying so intimately with me?”

“No! Well yes, but- I- shut up,” you grumble, smacking Jihoon’s chest, making his laugh.

You’ve never met the prince before, though you are well knowledged on him. It’s hard not to be when he is to take over the crown in a few years. You try not to think about how that will make you the queen consort.

You’ve only seen Prince Wonwoo in person a handful of times, none too recently, but you still know the prince is very handsome. Not as handsome as you find Jihoon, though you may be a bit biased. He’s also said to be kind, smart, level-headed, and well calculated. You suppose it could be worse. 

“I met with his advisors today,” you tell Jihoon. “I guess it’s just all hitting me. This really is going to happen.”

“Hey, listen to me,” Jihoon moves so he can stare at you in the face, “no matter what happens, I will always love you. My heart is still yours.”

“And mine yours,” you tell him softly. “I love you Lee Jihoon. Never forget that.”

You don’t see Jihoon for a while. Your schedule is packed with futile meetings that take up your day and with the news of your engagement to the prince (who you have still yet to meet), there are guards outside of your estate at night.

You suppose you are fortunate that Mingyu and Soonyoung have grown on you in the past few weeks. Though you still think them foolish, you also have a fondness for the pair. You see why Prince Wonwoo puts his trust in them. You find yourself wanting to confide in them, though there is one thing that still remains a secret.

It isn’t until the night before your wedding that you see your love. You are able to lose your guards for a second and you make a beeline straight to Jihoon’s caravan. He’s still awake, sitting outside and staring up at the starry sky when you approach.

“My dear,” you call out to him. Jihoon looks away from the sky to meet your face, a look of surprise flashes over his face before they form into a soft smile.

“You know you really shouldn’t be out so late at night, it is not safe.”

“Well then, why don’t you help me find some shelter kind sir,” you tell him. Jihoon just grins and grabs your hand, pulling you into his home. 

You two spent the night wrapped up in each other, exchanging soft kisses and even softer words. When the morning comes Jihoon is still asleep when you awake and while you’d love to give him a proper goodbye, you know you already pushed your luck enough spending the whole night out.

You quickly find a quill and some ink and you grab a piece of Jihoon’s writing parchment and scribble a quick note to him before slipping out the door. It’s only after the caravan is out of sight that you let your tears fall.

The first time you meet Prince Wonwoo is at the altar. Up close he’s even more handsome than you imagined, with soft facial features and kind eyes. You can’t help but still feel a bit disappointed, staring at the stranger in front of you as you recite your wedding vows.

The chapel where you are being wed is packed full of people, mostly nobility. Your attire is suffocating, despite being fitted for it thrice. Across from you, the prince keeps a neutral face and you wonder about his own involvement in this arrangement. 

He’s dressed in a formal outfit fit for royalty. The colors pair with your own dressings and you wonder what you two look like from the outfit. A newly bonded couple who will eventually be ruling the whole country. Are you two a handsome, strong presenting couple? Or do you two look like two fools who have never met before?

You were surprised at the way the public took the news of the engagement. You were expecting backlash against the prince, but he is well loved by the public and they were all happy to see the young man finding a partner to settle down with before stepping up to the throne. Despite never having been seen together in public before today, there was a wide talk of your (fake) courtship and how you must be very lucky to have the prince hold your heart.

If only they knew that a lonely, penniless poet was the real caretaker of your love.

It isn’t until the words leave the officiant’s mouth that you realize you will have to kiss the prince. Not only to end the ceremony but for the public to see you two unite as one. You must look as taken aback as you feel because your now husband takes the initiative, stepping forward to close the distance between you two.

Wonwoo cups your face gingerly, his hands are cold and his fingers are boney. He stares at you for a moment, dark eyes gazing into your soul, before he finally leans in.

The moment his lips press against yours you want to jerk out of his hold. It feels wrong. Your lips don’t fit together nicely and there’s no warmth exchanged between you two. You’re both stiff and you note how Wonwoo’s lips aren't as full as Jihoon’s. 

The kiss is over within seconds but the damage has been done and you can’t shake the dirty feeling that has grown under your skin. Wonwoo’s hand slides down your arm to clasp your fingers together. Another sign of unity for the public. You force a smile on your face, but the only thing you can think about is how your heart is miles away, in a small caravan on the edge of town.

My love,

I am not sure how you were able to convince the prince’s closest man to be a part of this, but I cannot say am I ungrateful for him. Though I do find him quite eccentric (and slightly obnoxious) I must give him my gratitude.

I miss you tremendously, but the past few letters you have sent me have been acting as bandages over my heart. I read them whenever I feel an ache of your absence, which is quite often.

It is unfortunate you find royal life boring. If I could, you know that I would sweep you off to the farthest lands where we would explore the area during the day and revel at night. I would show you the large world out there and we could experience new joys together. 

How I long to have you lay by my side at night. To feel your soft, tender skin against my fingertips. It pains me to even think about it, but it would kill me not to. 

I will never stop fighting for us.

Write back soon,

Your Jihoon

My darling,

I saw you today. I was taken quite off guard when I saw you riding in the carriage, next to Prince Wonwoo. I admit, you two make a handsome couple, but not more handsome than us.

It’s been so long since I’ve seen your beautiful face in person, that even seeing you with another man made my heart sing. I couldn’t pull my eyes from you, doing my best to soak in the sight of you because you were once again gone.

You looked quite winsome sitting in the carriage, but you did not look like you. Are you required to wear such extremities every day, or were you dressed for the occasion? Either way I cannot imagine the process of getting ready to be a swift one. 

If I am being honest I do not find the purpose of such efforts. Does the prince not find your natural beauty fit to his standards? If so then off with him. Any person with eyes would be fortunate to gaze upon you. I know I was.

Seeing you has only made me yearn more for you. I know it has only been a few weeks since your matrimony to Prince Wonwoo, but to me it has been lifetimes. How I crave to feel your touch, to hear your voice, to kiss your lips.

I know that the idea is futile but I will never give up on you. No matter what, I am still yours. And I hope you are still mine. Even if I only see a glimpse of you once every decade, my heart will still burn for you.

Forever yours,

Your Jihoon

To my heart,

Though you are always in my thoughts, you have been overtaking my mind more often than not lately. Please do not think I am upset about this, it is quite the opposite, but I am afraid I have been missing you a great deal more than usual.

Maybe it is due to a conversation I had the other day. I was at a tavern, catching up with an old acquaintance who was in town, and you came up. Jeonghan questioned if there was a reason why I had settled here and wondered if it was ‘due to my heart’. I laughed and confirmed his suspicions.

We spent a deal of time after that talking about you. It felt liberating being able to speak of you to someone else. I must have rambled on for at least an hour before Jeonghan finally cut me off, telling me how lucky I must be to have someone like you in my life. I had no choice other than to agree with him.

Speaking about you and thinking about you has thrown me into a tumultuous frame of mind. It is quite shameful how often I get lost in fantasies of us and what I wish we could be. You have overtaken my mind, body, and soul. There is not a single night where I do not dream of you.

I hope our future king can see how fortunate he is to be married to you. I would kill thousands of men to be in his position. Your smile itself is worth more than every jewel on his crown. I know I am just waxing poetic at you, but that is my job.

I know we must stay apart, but please mourn the future we could have had for me. Please write back to me with every thought you have about our imaginary future, because even if I cannot have the real thing, my dreams will be enough for me.

Dream of me as well,

Your Jihoon 

The life between you and your husband is…comfortable. You two talk, but not often and seldom about anything that is not shallow or mundane. You two sleep side by side at night but the last time you two touched each other was when you danced at your wedding and while his days are spent in meeting, yours are spent wandering the castle grounds and having tea with Soonyoung and Mingyu.

The only thing you find yourself looking forward to in your days anymore is the nightly lettering that you receive from Jihoon. It was only a week into the marriage when Soonyoung noticed how miserable you were. Without being able to hold it in anymore, you told the man about your lover and your heartbreak. It was then that Soonyoung suggested he help you out, acting as a carriage pigeon to deliver letters to and from Jihoon.

One night you are sitting at the desk in your shared chambers with Wonwoo, writing your letter for Jihoon, when Wonwoo speaks up. He is sitting on the bed across the room and his deep voice startles you, not used to talking to the man like this.

“Are you happy?” Wonwoo asks you bluntly, after calling out your name. You take only a moment to form an answer.

“I am content, my lord,” you tell him. Though you have stopped referring to the man as “Prince Wonwoo” in your mind, you cannot help but tack on the formal titles at the end of your sentences to the man.

“But you are not happy. Why?”

“Rest assured your highness, it is nothing you’ve done.”

“Does it have anything to do with the letters Soonyoung delivers to you each evening? The letters you are writing back right now?” You freeze in your seat. You were unaware he knew, but the prince is not ignorant. You suppose you couldn’t keep it a secret forever.

“I-”

“Do not mistake my curiosity for accusation. I’m aware this arrangement is not an ideal situation, and I would not be upset if there was another. I would not even be upset if you wish to be with him,” Wonwoo says. 

His words trouble you. There is a benefit for both of you in the marriage, but his words imply he is not exactly happy with the arrangement either. The offer to let you leave him is strange though, and causes you to fault for a moment.

“I am not going to abandon you, sire,” you eventually respond. “I have made an obligation to you.”

“No, your father did. Though we are not well acquainted I still hold empathy and I do not want to be what is keeping you from your happiness. From your happy ending.”

“Either way my father’s word is say, so I will do what he asks of me. It is an honor to be wedded to a man of your status,” you tell him, trying to convince yourself more than anything.

“But that is all it is: status. What about love?”

You don’t answer. You sit there and stare down at the letter you are writing to Jihoon. You think about the wooden box hidden in the drawer that holds his letters.

“Please, I do not wish to cause you turmoil. If you want to go, I will not hold you back,” Wonwoo says. 

You finally turn to look at your husband. “You are very kind-hearted, but I cannot accept that offer. I will not tarnish your reputation like that. Do you know the talk that would rise if they heard the soon-to-be king’s spouse up and left? What would your father do to mine? It is too risky.”

Wonwoo has a morose look on his face, like he knows you’re right. “Tell me about him,” he says, surprising you.

You hesitate. You should not talk of your lover to your husband. It is unorthodox and unbecoming. You look at Wonwoo’s curious face though, and you can’t help yourself.

“He’s a poet. I’ve never met someone who can use words the way he does. Even in things as simple as short letters or passing comments, he can make it sound like the most romantic sentence ever uttered,” you tell Wonwoo.

“Tell me more.”

“He has a kind soul, like you. He’s very exciting to be around. He used to travel the world, so I love to hear him regale the tales of his adventures. He likes to take me on our own little adventures as well. One time a traveling show came through a neighboring town and he got us tickets to go watch.”

“You love him greatly.” It is not a question. You just nod to Wonwoo. “You light up when you speak of him. In a way I’ve never seen before.”

You don’t know what to say to him, so you turn your back to him once more, resuming your letter to Jihoon.

You love Jihoon, everyday apart from him feels like you’re struggling to breathe, and under any other circumstance you wouldn’t have stopped at anything to be with him, but you are not under those circumstances. You fought your father, refusing the marriage, even telling him you loved someone else, but he did not listen. He told you this was the one thing he would put his foot down on.

You can’t blame him, how often does someone get the chance to marry a prince. The things this marriage is doing for your family is immeasurable and you cannot in good conscience leave them without a second thought. Not to mention the damage it would do to your family’s reputation, let alone Wonwoo’s. Your family would be shunned by the public and Wonwoo would be labeled a joke of a king.

Not to mention if it was ever discovered what really happened. What would happen if everyone found out why you left? You and Jihoon would surely be ostracized. Town piranhas in even towns in other kingdoms. Jihoon’s career as a poet would be over. You can’t imagine that being a happy life.

Not that you’re particularly happy right now either. You wish you didn’t overthink everything, or else you would have left the town even before you got married. You and Jihoon could be living in his caravan, just you two alone, safe and sound and happy.

It is too late for that though, and now you have to pay the consequences. Married to a man you know nothing about. A man who seems to be rooting for you despite the outcome. It makes you frown. Maybe your first step in figuring it all out is figuring out your husband first.

“Have you ever been in love, my lord?” You decide to ask Wonwoo one day while walking the castle’s grounds. As of recently you two have gotten closer, an interesting bond forming between you two, though most of your time is spent talking of Jihoon. Wonwoo never draws back on his suggestions that you follow your heart. 

“Not in the way you are. I was very fond of someone a long time ago, but they loved someone else.” You frown at this news. 

“Please excuse the crudeness of my words, sire, but then why do you put so much mind into my love? Do you not wish to be wed to someone?”

“I do,” Wonwoo answers after a moment of contemplation, “but I do not want to be the reason why true love is separated. You and your Jihoon, you are a story of fate. Who am I to get in the middle of it? The public likes me enough, I will be okay. No matter what, I will be okay, but will you?”

Your heart aches and yearns for Jihoon, and your husband is not making it easier. That may have been his goal though.

“Are you sure you’ll be okay?” You ask Wonwoo. You frown as you stand in front of him, your stomach in knots of worry.

Wonwoo just gives you a soft smile. “I am sure. If anything, I should be worrying about you. Do you have everything you need?”

“Yes. Both Soonyoung and I checked twice. You have ensured that everything will run perfectly.” You reach over and take your husband’s hands in yours, squeezing them tightly. “Thank you, Wonwoo. For everything.”

“Ah, it is the least I could do. Now, you have somewhere to be and I cannot keep you waiting any longer. Send me letters, okay?” With a final squeeze of your hands, Wonwoo lets you go. You smile at the man once more before turning away from him and not looking back.

You slip out of the castle through the servant’s doors and quickly make your way to the outskirts of the grounds. It reminds you of all those times you escaped your own house to meet Jihoon at the edge of the forest. The thought makes a grin grow on your face as you speed up your pace even more.

Just like all the previous times, when you get to the edge of the estate Jihoon is standing there waiting for you. You launch yourself into his arms, allowing him to pick you up and twirl you around. He’s giggling high pitched and gleeful as you two spin around in each other’s arms.

When Jihoon finally puts you down he doesn’t waste a moment and leans in to kiss you. You happily kiss him back, grabbing his face and holding him in place. You can feel a wet stream of tears run down your face, your heart bursting with joy as you reunite with your lover.

His lips are familiar against yours and you automatically feel at home. For the first time in months you can relax, finally back in Jihoon’s arms.

“It’s you,” Jihoon muttres when he finally pulls away. He brings his hands up to caress your face.

“It’s me, my love, it’s me,” you tell him back, tears still flowing freely.

“I’ve missed you so much.”

“I’ve missed you more.” You lean in and press another quick kiss against Jihoon’s lips. “But we will never have to miss each other again.”

“I’m never letting you go,” Jihoon tells you, gripping you tighter. “Oh how much I love you.”

You giggle. “I love you more. Now come on, let’s get out of here.”

You grab Jihoon’s hand and pull him away from the grounds to where his caravan is waiting for you two. As you two travel further and further away from the town you feel your heart grow lighter and lighter, excited for the rest of your life of adventures with your love.

The next time you see Jihoon is nearly a week later. You and Soonyoung are once again getting boba when you spot the boy behind the counter, just like last time. When you and Soonyoung went and got boba a few days prior you noticed that the original Cute Cashier was working, and you couldn’t help but feel a bit of disappointment at him not being Jihoon.

As soon as you lay eyes on your Even Cuter Cashier, you quickly make a beeline into the shop, your desire for boba long gone.

Jihoon looks up when he hears the sound of the bell ringing and his eyes soften into a smile when he sees you entering through the threshold.

“You came back!”

“I did. It’s hard not to, with the amazing service I got last time,” you say. You casually browse the store as you talk to Jihoon, glancing at him every so often as you do. 

“Well I’m glad that my plan to get you to come back succeeded.”

You giggle at Jihoon’s words as you stop in front of a stack of old photos. You flip through them, looking at all the memories they hold. Many of the photos depict different couples, all smiling brightly as they hold each other. The images put a smile on your own face.

“Find something good?” Jihoon asks and you jump a bit at the closeness of his voice. When you turn, you see the man standing by your side.

“Oh, yeah, just these photos! Aren’t they beautiful?” You tilt them a bit to show them off to Jihoon. “I think it’s so amazing that no matter how the world changes, love will always stay the same.”

“Huh, I guess you’re right. Love’s been around since the beginning of time.”

“The love these people were feeling in these photos is the same love we experience today. There really is nothing like it.”

You look back down at the photos. The one in your hand shows a woman clinging onto a man’s arm, her cheek pressed into his bicep as she smiles at the camera. The man himself is smiling as well, though he is smiling down at the woman, rather than the camera. 

“They’re cute,” Jihoon mumbles, his own eyes transfixed on the photo. 

“Yeah,” you say, “I wonder what’s their story.”

“Something happy, I hope,” Jihoon says before moving to walk back behind the counter. You grab a few more photos from the stack before following after him, placing them on the counter.

Jihoon smiles at you and starts to ring you up. You take a moment to stare at him, your eyes tracing over his fluffy hair and round face and kind smile. You don’t stop staring until Jihoon breaks your focus.

“What? Does my hair look stupid or something?” He grins lazily at you again and you feel your heartbeat quicken.

“Uh, n-no! It’s just…your smile is super familiar to me. Sorry, that may be weird.”

“No, no, it’s not. I guess I kinda felt the same thing the first time you came in,” Jihoon tells you. “Who knows, maybe we knew each other in a past life.”

You chuckle at Jihoon’s joke, but you don’t stop thinking about it for the rest of the day.

1951

War Against North Korea Rages On, No End in Sight

You frown at the heading, throwing the newspaper aside onto the counter. The news of the North Korean troops invading Seoul changed everyone’s lives, throwing the country into a state of chaos trying to keep them from completely overtaking all of South Korea. Now a year later, the war is still in full force and though you know it’s important to stay updated on what’s happening, you don’t bother with the news articles anymore. They always say more or less the same thing: the war continues on with more casualties and less hope of ending soon.

Your heart grows heavy with each day growing worse than the last. You wish there was more you could do to help the war efforts, but you’re stuck at home taking care of your sick father. He’s the only family you have left, after your mother’s death a few years ago. All of the money received from her passing has gone into your father, but since the start of the war prices have done nothing but skyrocket.

So you spend your days at home taking care of your father, and your nights in a factory working to earn an income. You don’t mind the work though, allowing your mind to focus on something that isn’t the war or your father.

The only other time you get a break, an actual real break, is on Saturdays. It’s the one day in the week you allow yourself to go out, spending the afternoon to yourself getting groceries and taking time to focus on yourself.

You go through the same routine, walking down to the port and spending a few minutes enjoying the waves lapping against the shore, the salty sea water scent filling the air as the summer breeze brushes up against your skin. After taking in the sight of the sea, you move further into town and down the street to the cemetery.

Every Saturday you visit your mother’s grave, sitting with her for a while as you update her on your life and the current events. Occasionally you will bring a book and read aloud. You find the time spent with her calming, her maternal love enveloping you and letting you rest, even for a small bit of time.

Afterwards you browse the shops in town (only looking, never buying) before heading to the market to finish your day off. You spend the money for the groceries to get you through the week before heading back home. You do your best to walk most places you go, not wanting to spend the fare for the trollies. 

The streets are busy on the weekend and on your walk back to your house, someone bumps into you causing you to drop your bags, all of your freshly bought groceries tumbling to the ground. The person doesn’t even stop and you can’t bother chasing them too. You just sigh and bend down to pick up the now unusable goods. 

You now have to turn around and go back into town to get more groceries. It will take a good chunk out of your funds, but not too much. Maybe you’ll pick up a few more shifts at the factory.

“Excuse me, are you okay?” As you’re thinking about how to make up the price of the ruined groceries, you miss the man who has walked up to you.

When you look up you see a beautiful man with a sweet round face and dark hair staring down at you. He’s dressed nicely in a suit and it takes you a moment to actually respond to him, too distracted by his good looks.

“Pardon?”

“I was asking if you were okay?” The man bends down to help you pick up the rest of the food spilled on the ground. “I saw that man bump into you and I just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“Oh! I’m fine, thank you.” You smile at him, appreciative of the kind gesture.

“But all of your groceries are now ruined. Allow me to buy you more.”

“Oh no! That’s not necessary,” you quickly tell the man. You don’t even know him and you would feel guilty allowing a man who didn’t even cause the casualty to pay for your groceries, especially with the state of the economy.

“I insist,” he says, standing and then helping you stand as well. “It’s the least I could do.”

“Sir it really-” Before you can even finish your sentence the man was walking away, back towards the town. You could just go back home, but then you’d be left with no groceries for the week so you begrudgingly follow him back to the market.

“Lee Jihoon, by the way,” he tells you as you two walk around the market, collecting what you need. You give him your name as well and he grins, a small spark igniting behind his eyes as he tells you how lovely your name is.

When you’re done regathering what you need you move to head to the register, but Jihoon stops you.

“This is all you’re getting? It’s barely enough for any proper meals. Please, add more. I won’t mind, I demand of it actually.” Jihoon then moves to add more to the basket and once again you have to follow along as Jihoon is the one carrying it.

You protest each time a new item is added but Jihoon keeps hushing you like you’re a life long friend rather than a stranger he met on the street no more than thirty minutes ago. By the time Jihoon is satisfied with what’s in your basket, it’s full to the top and you can’t remember the last time you’ve seen so much food in your life. Guilt eats away at you as you think about the money Jihoon is about to drop on you just because someone else made you drop your bags.

It isn’t until you’re checking out and Jihoon casually pulls out multiple banknotes without even a blink of an eye that you realize that not everyone lives like you and that just maybe Jihoon doesn’t mind paying so much because he has the money laying around to do so. Even back when your mother was alive and your father was able to work your family was still paying for everything with scraped up coins.

The sun is already low in the sky by the time you two exit the market and Jihoon stops you once more. “Allow my driver to take you back to your house.”

The sentence alone confirms your suspicions on Jihoon’s monetary status. To own a car is a luxury of its own, but to have a driver as well seals the deal.

You already can tell it’s impossible to turn Jihoon down so you just follow him back to his car. You wonder if his driver followed you after you two walked to the market. When you two get into the car you tell your address to the driver, trying not to get embarrassed at the thought of the nice car driving through your run down little neighborhood. 

Jihoon’s driver just nods and starts up the car. The three of you sit in silence until the car pulls up to your house and you climb out. Jihoon does as well, helping carry your groceries to the door.

“It was nice meeting you,” Jihoon says. “If you ever need anything again, give me a call.” He holds out a small white card, his business card, to you. You take it and thank him once more before entering your house, your mind still lingering on the strange, rich man.

You don’t give Jihoon a call, but you don’t have to. You run into him again not even three days after your first interaction. It’s early in the morning and you’re heading back home after work when you hear your name called out. When you turn you see the man’s car rolling up next to you, his head poking out of the back seat window.

“What are you doing walking alone so early in the morning? The sun has barely started to rise.”

"I'm walking back home from work," you answer honestly.

Jihoon's face looks sour at this, like he couldn't imagine working so late at night. "If you have been working all night let me treat you to breakfast."

It's your turn to let your face screw up slightly. You know that Jihoon can afford to buy you breakfast, but you still don't want to feel indebted to him. Not to mention your father will be waking up soon and you'll need to make his breakfast as well. You tell Jihoon as much.

"Then I will buy breakfast for your father too," is his solution.

You're not sure why he keeps insisting on buying you things but you just sigh and climb into the car. Jihoon has a smug grin on his face as he tells his driver where to go.

A few minutes later the car pulls up in front of a diner and you and Jihoon enter. It's nothing extravagant, but still a treat for those with a tight budget. 

The two of you sit in silence until a waitress comes and takes your order. Jihoon doesn't allow you to order for yourself, picking what he tells you are the most delicious and filling items. He orders for himself and then a third meal, asking the waitress to not cook it until she brings the check.

You note the way Jihoon has a nice presence to him, friendly and warm and inviting. The way his soft features are accentuated when he smiles, his round cheeks puffing up and his eyes squinting. You find him fascinating, but there's something more than that, something drawing you to him.

"So, where do you work that has you walking home at six in the morning?" 

The question breaks the ice between you as you fall into a natural conversation, asking questions and trading answers. Your hesitations towards the man quickly ebb the more you talk.

You learn he's a highly successful businessman but the war has halted much of his work which has given him some much needed down time. Like you, he doesn't have many living family members and he's an altruistic man so much of his money is left unspent.

Before you know it both of your meals are finished and the waitress is bringing over the check and the packaged meal for your father. Just like at the market, Jihoon pulls out his banknotes and pays before escorting you back to his car.

When you arrive at your house a part of you feels disappointed that the morning with Jihoon is over. Now it's back to the real world. 

You're halfway to your door when you suddenly turn back around. You don't know what causes you to say it before you can stop yourself you spit out, "Would you like to come in for a cup of tea? It's the last I could do after all of your kindness." 

Jihoon beams in front of you. "I would love that."

Bloodiest Battles of the War So Far, Conscription Soon to Follow?

Five months after you meet Jihoon he knocks on your front door, a letter clutched in his fist. There's a grim look on his face when you open the door and you know automatically.

The Battle of Bloody Ridge, follwoed by The Battle of Heartbreak Ridge, took out many of the soldiers on the frontlines and the country was now desperate to find new ones to replace them. A mandatory conscription for any young man who was eligible to join the military.

It didn't take long for you and Jihoon to start a relationship after your first few meetings. He's the perfect man, taking care of both you and your father and showering you in nothing but love and affection. The thought of him so far away, in the direct line of danger, makes a lump grow in your throat. Your chest tightens as your heart aches.

"We'll be okay," Jihoon mutters into your hair as you cry silently into his neck, holding him tightly. Like if you hold him tight enough he won't have to leave.

That's not how the world works though, and you accompany Jihoon on the day he is to deploy.

"If you need more money just send me a letter and I'll take care of it, okay?"

"You've left me with plenty already, love," you tell him as you fix his jacket collar. "Just come home safe."

"As long as you make sure I have something to come home to."

You can already feel the tears welling up in your eyes and you lean forward to press your lips to Jihoon's. He kisses you back, putting all of his love into it. A promise to you, that you will see him again, that this isn't your last kiss.

With one last squeeze of the hand Jihoon boards the bus and you're left alone, a heaviness in your heart and worry forming under your skin.

You just have to keep telling yourself he'll be okay, he has to be.

December 19, 1951

To the one my heart has gone to,

I hope you don't mind the frequency of my letters, I just feel closer to you know that eventually you'll hold the same paper in your fingers. I miss you tremendously, to the point my heart aches thinking of you.

Do you know that when you send your letters they smell of you? I always keep your most recent ones safe, in hopes to preserve the smell for just a little while longer.

There's not much to report about today, which I suppose is a good thing. Better than something hectic or even worse, a battle. 

Unfortunately it still doesn't look like there will be a break anytime soon. Battle after battle, life after life. It's not easy, but I've come to like the other men in my unit. Jeonghan takes good of us and Seokmin makes nice company. 

I don't want to keep you long, but I wanted to make sure you'd get a letter for before the holidays hit. Merry Christmas my love.

I'll make it up to you when I get home okay? For now just keep me in your dreams.

Write back soon, please. I want to hear what my lover has been up to. Keep me updated on your father as well.

All my love,

Your Jihoon

March 22, 1952

Today was hard.

I'm doing unwell as I write this letter, but it would pain me more not to send you my update.

Kwon Soonyoung died next to me today on the battlefield. It is not the first time a man has died near me, but it is the first time it was a man I have grown fond of. He was only a few months older than I am.

As grim as it may sound, and as much as I will mourn the loss, I am grateful that it was not me in his place. It was a difference of mere inches and fate chose Soonyoung. Does it mean anything? Is there a reason why I lived and he didn’t? I’m not sure but all I can think about is that his sacrifice is giving me a second chance at going home. Does that make me a bad person?

Everyday I pray this nightmare will be over. The thought of you is the only thing encouraging me to go on. I think about coming home to you, kissing your sweet lips, holding you in my arms.

We’ve been apart longer than we were together and I beat myself up for that everyday. I wish we would have met earlier, but as soon as the war is over we will have all the time in the world. Just you and me.

Wish me home soon,

Your Jihoon

November 30, 1952

To the home of my heart,

You have been on my mind all of today, not that you aren’t always on my mind normally. It has been particularly hard today though. It’s been a full year since my departure from you and every day has been harder than the last.

It’s hard to sleep at night and I often lay awake and think about you. Sometimes I will take a walk and look up at the sky. The moon and the stars are thousands of miles away but they still seem so close and bring so much comfort. That’s how I feel about you. Gazing at the moon also helps because it is still the same moon that you are under as well.

Look at the moon and think of me okay? Maybe one night we will be looking at the moon at the same time and I will be able to feel you just a bit closer.

Whenever I am able to fall asleep, I dream about you. I dream about the thought of you laying next to me. I wish to kiss your soft lips and feel your warm skin and look into your shining eyes. I dream of the life we will build together when we are reunited at last.

Would you marry me, my love?

I know it’s silly asking over a letter like this, and asking with such a strange courtship, but something in me feels the need to ask. Ever since I met you on the street that one fateful day, I’ve known you were the one for me. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, so please accept my proposal (I promise to give you a proper one the second I get home).

The other men keep teasing me about you, but they just don’t understand the love we share. Being with you, even just the thought of you, it feels like home.

A part of me wonders if I’ve secretly loved you my whole life. It sure feels like it. No matter what I know you were made for me and everyday I bless whatever force brought us together. I love you so much it drives me crazy.

When I get home let me take you out on a thousand dates to make up for the time lost. 

Please send me your answer soon,

Your fiance Jihoon

February 01, 1953

To my dearest,

I’m writing to you from the infirmary. I was shot in battle earlier, nowhere too fatal just the leg, but I just woke up from the procedure to remove the bullet and patch me up. I’m lucky to come out with nothing more than a scar. Some other men aren’t as lucky.

It seems everyday is a new fight, but it’s worth it if it gives me a chance of going back home to you. We’ll buy a house close to the port, so you can be near the ocean breeze. Every night we’ll walk the shore and watch the sunset together. Then on Saturdays I’ll accompany you on your errands. We’ll go to town together and get groceries and visit the cafe and do whatever your heart desires. 

I’ll buy fresh flowers for your parents every week.

We could get a cat to keep you company while I’m at work and you could quit that heinous job at the factory. That would give you more time to focus on yourself. You and I both know that my wealth is more than enough for just the two of us.

Our house shouldn’t be too big, but still a good size in case we ever have guests over. I think we should start a garden as well.

Ah, my love, thinking about our future is nice. It helps me wish for the future, helps me feel closer to you. Thank you for being my safe place away from this nightmare. I should rest more now, but please remember that I will always spend everyday loving you.

Pray for my speedy recovery,

Your Jihoon

July 07, 1953

Jagiya! I apologize for the lack of letters recently, things have been so hectic around here, but I write with good news!

The talk around camp is that the negotiations have been making a move, there is finally an end in sight. I cannot wait to get back to you. It has been far too long since I’ve seen you and the photo I carry of you has started to fade already from how often I admire it. 

I cannot stay to write for long, but I needed to send you an update and a reminder of my love. I promise we will be back together soon.

Go to town and buy some flowers for yourself okay? Today is worth celebrating.

I can’t wait to see you,

Your Jihoon

You’re jittery as you smooth down your shirt, waiting for the bus to pull up. The same bus that took him away nearly two years ago.

When all of your friends heard about your beau, they all called you crazy. Holding out for a man who has been gone for quadruple the amount of time you spent together and you guess maybe it is crazy, but for Jihoon you would do anything.

It is true that you two were only together for five months before his deployment, but even before he left you knew you were madly in love with Lee Jihoon. You spent your nights reading the letters Jihoon sent you, and writing ones back. You would think you two had been lovers for fifty years rather than five months.

You’ve always felt the pull towards Jihoon though, like you’ve been loving him all your life. Every letter he sent made you fall in love with him even more, and now two years later he’s finally coming home. 

The days were hard without him when you saw him nearly everyday before he left. Winter of 1952 was less than kind, taking your father with it and leaving you alone for the last seven months, wishing for nothing but for Jihoon to come home. Now he is and you couldn’t be more elated.

The people standing around you start to cheer when someone catches sight of the bus, but you can’t do anything but stand there, your heart pounding in your chest. When the bus stops and soldiers start to pour out you have a moment of doubt. The fear that Jihoon won’t want you anymore, that everything has changed for the worse, creeps into your mind.

The thoughts can barely form though because then Jihoon’s stepping off the bus and his skin is so much tanner than it used to be and you’ve never seen him with his hair so short but it’s Jihoon, your Jihoon. His eyes light up when he catches sight of your familiar face and he’s dropping his bags and running towards you.

His arms are locked around your waist and you’re being lifted off the ground. You cup Jihoon’s face in your hands and lean down to kiss him as he spins you two around, easing all of the worries in your mind. Your cheeks dampen as tears start to stream down your face, too many emotions coursing through you to keep them all on the inside.

You keep your hands on Jihoon’s face as he sets you down. You stroke his cheek, feeling his warm skin under your touch. “You’re here, you’re really here.”

“I’m here my love, I’m here, and I’m never leaving you again.”

It doesn’t take much longer for you and Jihoon to leave the station. You two sit in the back of his car, pressed together as Jihoon presses kisses to your face every few minutes. You’re not much better though, leaning into him with a dopey grin on your face, ready to start your new life with the man you love the most.

The next time you see Jihoon isn’t at the antique shop at all. You’re getting coffee at the cafe next to your apartment when you see the man walk in. His eyes light up a bit when he sees you and he makes a beeline to your table after getting his drink.

“Is this seat open?” He asks, pointing to the empty chair across from you.

“Of course.”

Jihoon takes a seat before turning his attention to you. “Fancy seeing you here.”

“Maybe it’s fate,” you say teasingly but Jihoon just grins.

“Maybe it is,” his voice is smooth as he talks, and your breath gets caught in your throat, “I mean, I wouldn’t be upset if I was destined to meet you over and over again.”

You break his gaze, trying not to show him how flustered you are. “You’re quite the sweet talker you know? You don’t know anything about me-”

“No, but I don’t think it would be hard to learn. I’m starting to think we’re not really strangers at all. You can’t tell me that you aren’t a bit interested in me as well.”

You glance back at Jihoon to find him staring intently at him. His eyes are warm and deep and you can feel yourself being drawn in, like you’ve stared at those eyes a million times before. There’s an inviting sense to all of Jihoon and the only thing you can think of to describe it as is home. 

“Okay,” you tell him with a slight grin. “Let’s see if destiny is right.”

And really you don’t care if it is fate or not, because as you and Jihoon fall into a comfortable conversation you realize that the two of you meeting was no mistake, and that you could definitely love Lee Jihoon for multiple lifetimes. 

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[anim-ttrpgs]

An absolutely incredible review of the beta version of Eureka: Investigative Urban Fantasy by review Willy Muffin on youtube, complete with visuals and actual analysis!

I'm going to also add to this post a comment that I left on the video, offering further insight into the design intentions of the game, though the comment might not make as much sense if you haven't watched the video yet.

Hey, lead writer of Eureka here, first of all I wanna say how good and professional this review is, it’s almost indescribable how it feels to see our project taken so seriously and given real analysis, complete with visuals and everything! We would be super impressed and happy with it even if you didn’t like the game—but luckily it sounds like you loved it hahaha

I’d also like to address a few things throughout the video, not as arguments or rebuttals, just further developer insight for everyone

Re: “Urban Fantasy.” “Urban Fantasy” is basically just another term for “modern fantasy”, just a fantasy story that takes place in the 20th or 21st century and deals with the intersection of contemporary life with the supernatural, and it might be an Americanism, or even a Southern-ism, since it has a lot of connections and origins in the living folklore of New Orleans, so I shouldn’t be surprised it isn’t a term everyone is familiar with. Just think of it as the kind of genre where instead of the vampire living in a secluded scary castle, his name is Phil and he’s your roommate haha. What We Do in the Shadows, Shadowrun, and the World of Darkness games are all some other good examples of “urban fantasy.”

Re: Scooby-Doo. Oh we would LOVE for you to run a Scooby-Doo-like wacky mystery with Eureka. Even though the main tone is dark and gritty and noir, we did intentionally build it so that it could run more lighthearted stuff as well! There’s even a few Scooby-Doo references to be found throughout the text, and if we hit a certain stretch goal on the Kickstarter, we’re going to be adding a bunch of Scooby-gang-inspired traits, including the option to play a Talking Dog!

Re: Combat being the largest section, even larger than Investigation. First of all, that’s kind of an illusion that is the result of the game being unfinished. I have a tendency when I write rules to use really long sentences, overexplain things, repeat myself, etc, and that dramatically bloats the rules text and page count, but that’s why we have an editor! She goes through after the fact and trims most of the fat off my bloated writing style to make it flow smoother and read faster, and take up less space. The PDF that was read for this review has had the Investigation chapter copy-edited (and cut down in size by about 25%!), but the editor hasn’t gotten to the combat chapters yet, so they still have a hugely inflated page count. When she’s done with them, you can expect each combat chapter to also be cut down in size by about 25%, so they won’t be nearly so large a chunk of the book.

Secondly, I’ll explain our reasoning for why the combat chapters and advanced combat rules are such a big chunk of the rules text, it’s intentional design which I will now explain. If anyone still doesn’t agree with that design, that’s fair, and that’s why we made the Basic Combat Rules an option.

The reason that the advanced combat rules are the default, and the reason they exist at all, is because it incentivizes and rewards Investigation. If combat is super deadly, it makes Investigation, snooping, and spying more appealing than kicking down the door and getting your head blown off. But of combat is super deadly, it also needs to be very deep and tactical, because if it’s deadly but shallow, then there’s no player agency. “Combat starts, roll some dice, okay your guy is dead.” That’s no fun. So by adding rules and modifiers for cover/elevation, distance, the difference between a pistol and an assault rifle, etc. we make it so that not only is combat its own high-stakes puzzle, but make it so that when the PCs HAVE to engage in combat, all their investigation can really pay off and save their lives. Spying on a building to find out the number of goons stationed there and how they are armed helps you plan and assess risk, stealing the blueprints to the building helps you know how to get the drop on the goons, and know the best places to attack from so that they are stuck out in the open and you are not, etc. and having rules for those things means that all the PCs’ snooping and planning makes a real mechanical difference in whether they live or die.

That’s just my opinion though, and one of the biggest reasons WHY we decided to write the combat with as much depth as we did.

Anyway, thank you again for this review and analysis of our project, our Kickstarter jumped up by about ten more backers in the evening when this video went up after several days of no new backers, and we have to assume we have this video, and all of you watching and reading this, to thank. You’re really making our dreams come true. :)

Eureka: Investigative Urban Fantasy is kickstarting from right now until May 10th! Back it while you still can!

If you want to try before you buy, you can download a free demo of the prerelease version from our website or our itch.io page!

If you’re interested in a more updated and improved version of Eureka: Investigative Urban Fantasy than the free demo you got from our website, subscribe to our Patreon where we frequently roll our new updates for the prerelease version!

You can also support us on Ko-fi, or by checking out our merchandise!

Join our TTRPG Book Club At the time of writng this, Eureka: Investigative Urban Fantasy is the current game being played in the book club, and anyone who wants to participate in discussion, but can’t afford to make a contribution, will be given the most updated prerelease version for free! Plus it’s just a great place to discuss and play new TTRPGs you might not be able to otherwise!

We hope to see you there, and that you will help our dreams come true and launch our careers as indie TTRPG developers with a bang by getting us to our base goal and blowing those stretch goals out of the water, and fight back against WotC's monopoly on the entire hobby. Wish us luck.

[hannigramislife]

Question: What's your opinion on all Dazai ships? I personally think that literally everyone could do better <3

Omgg anon, I love this ask so goddamn much!! Okay, let's get into it-this is gonna be long.

Two things before I continue. One, I'm a Hannigram fan, make of that what you will. Secondly, shipping does not mean "oh, these two are definitely canon, they have feelings for each other," shipping has always meant "I love their dynamic and can see a world where it could be romantic." That's why we have more than one.

Soukoku (Dazai/Chuuya) - Obviously this was gonna be my first choice to start this conversation. I think that soukoku is textually supported. I'm sorry, but there's just some things you don't write if you don't want people to ship two characters. These two are written for each other, therefore a perfectly valid ship. I myself do not ship skk, don't care about them as a ship at all, but I can certainly see the appeal. They have a history, and they're now on opposite sides, but still every bit the lethal team-up. I don't get the emotional side of it though – they inspire no such feeling in me, and I do believe Chuuya could definitely do better XD

Kunizai (Kunikida/Dazai) - This one I actually like quite a lot. I don't necessarily ship them in canon, but I believe they're good for each other. Kunikida with his rigidness and morals and Dazai with his carelessness and disaster that seems to follow him. I also like how Kunikida has a book where he jots down the best way to live, and Dazai has a book he carries around on how to die. I believe they're very different, but the sincere trust and care they have for each other, as well as the easiness of their partnership is something they both rely on and need. 10/10 ship.

Dazatsu (Dazai/Atsushi) - The age gap here is the biggest problem for people from what I've seen, but I don't think this is a proship or a bad ship that should be discouraged. Again, I don't ship it, but I feel it's perfectly fine if you do? "Oh, there's a power imbalance-" bitch, what power imbalance?? Like, you do know they're coworkers, right? Yes, Dazai saved him and Atsushi is grateful, but Atsushi is not stupid or blindly devoted or whatever. What he is, is mentally ill, but then again, so is Dazai, and if you think Dazai would take advantage of him, then that says more about Dazai as a character than it does the ship itself. Atsushi could definitely do better, and to me, that better is Akutagawa XD

Morizai (Mori/Dazai) - Well, I don't think I have any thoughts on this, other than the obvious ones. Dazai was a child in the Mafia, and they do seem to have a more guardian/ward relationship, fucked up as it is. Mori was definitely at least mentally and emotionally abusive to Dazai, from what we've seen. I don't think anyone would actually ship this? Unless you're talking purely fanfic scenarios. In this case, Dazai could do better. So yeah, I'm gonna go ahead and "nope" this.

Odazai (Oda/Dazai) - Now listen. Again, I don't ship this (I don't know if I ship anything that has Dazai, I hate the man), but if you think Oda and Dazai had a father/son relationship, you're delusional. Dazai cared so much for Oda, and upon reading Beast, I refuse to believe there was no universe where Dazai developed feelings for him. I think of them every time I listen to any Adele songs. "Them" being their Beast version. I'm so serious. This is a valid ship far as I'm concerned.

Dazaku (Dazai/Akutagawa) - This one is a ship that I get so riled up about. Because of the fandom. I honestly never gave this ship a second thought until I saw how hated it was. Then, I realized it's hated for all the wrong goddamn reasons. I don't ship it, because I hate Dazai on principle, but sometimes, I feel like I'm shipping it out of spite. It's like people can't make up their minds about the dynamic of these two. When you want to say Dazai abused Akutagawa, they'll be like "Oh, Dazai was a child, too!" Then you say they both grew and are healing – and maybe Dazai cared after all? – and it's all "You can't ship him with his abuser!" Well, which is it now? Is Dazai a bad guy still? Is it so wrong to want Dazai to care? To imagine Dazai pulling Akutagawa into the light with him? When people vehemently hate on this ship, I take that to mean "Yeah, Dazai is the worst, how could you ship Akutagawa with him?" Which, great take, I'm all for that. This ship is overhated in my opinion. Both Dazai and Akutagawa are two important pillars of what makes Bsd what it is. Their relationship is complicated and messy and important – so yeah, I'm not surprised people would ship this. Sometimes, toxic yaoi is where it's at, and you just wanna fix them. Akutagawa can DEFINITELY do better.

Souheki (Dazai/Ranpo) - I think they're besties. Absolutely nothing romantic here for me. I cannot see it, but I love them both, so I'd read fics at least. They're both geniuses who hold deep respect for each other. They may be able to understand each other much quicker and on a deeper level than other people, but I think they'd be a disaster if they were to date. Absolutely not. Plus, I'm a huge Ranpoe fan, so I'm biased.

Fyozai (Fyodor/Dazai) - They have a lot of tension, I'll give them that. They're two pretty, genius bitches playing 3 dimensional chess while everyone else plays checkers. Plus, being on opposite sides?? I can appreciate some enemies to lovers when I see it. I think if I were Fyodor, I'd definitely be interested in this young man who can match my intellect even as I've been alive since Jesus Christ was born. Also, don't ask me why, but they feel so gay when they're together – just, not for each other? I think in a no powers au, they'd definitely experiment together lmao. So, valid ship in-universe? I'm going to allow it. They could both do better.

Sigzai (Sigma/Dazai) - I don't know how this ship got popular?? I mean, sure?? Great ship?? Genuinely don't know what to say. I mean, they're there and they're both pretty?? I guess? Honestly, Sigma reminded me of Akutagawa, it was kinda funny to see. But go off XD??

I think that was it, lemme know if I forgot any major ships!

[vergess]

Okay actually I would LOVE to hear your summary of what the Dresden Files like. actually is, as a series. Because every so often some guy will demand that I read it while insisting it's Superior Literature and the best fantasy series ever (unless maybe second to Lord of the Rings, but usually not even that)

They also like to insist that well of COURSE the main character is extra sexist and never improves but it's a FLAW, the AUTHOR knows it's wrong, therefore girls should LOVE reading his sexism. So like I was not buying this any degree to begin with, but I would love to know what's actually going on here

Bro, these books are Bad(tm). Do not fucking buy them. I cannot in good conscience suggest anyone read them, ever. But I especially, immensely cannot recommend purchasing them. This is "skulking around the library not making eye contact" material.

These are bodice rippers For Men(TM).

They're also, (and for obvious reasons they aren't advertised like this) High Camp Melodrama Fantasy Where Everyone Is Bisexual. But I repeat myself.

With that in mind, they are easily the best written urban fantasy fetish pornography I've ever seen outside AO3, and frankly better than most of that stuff too. It's just... you need to be aware going in that these are serialized porn mags. They happen to have exceptionally written combat and freakishly well considered fantasy elements, but they nonetheless use the same racial and sexual shorthands seen in the bulk of heteronormative, white gaze pornography.

Also, the main guy is an obnoxious asshole on purpose from second one and he does not ever let up on this, so if you don't immediately get along with his sense of humour walk away.

Now as for whatever dipshitted asshole is telling you they're superior literature.... mmmm.... no.

They're REALLY GOOD porn. I understand how really good porn is going to emotionally confuse the highly repressed (and oh BOY do these books appeal to the repressed) into a sort of pavlovian "this is the best thing ever" response.

But like, mmmmm no.

If you do elect to read these books, I suggest casting the main guy with a Black actor in your head. That change alone makes the immense amount of police presence and abuse more palatable.

OH THE COP SHIT

I FORGOT TO MENTION THE COP SHIT

Absolutely bonkers copaganda levels.

Also, the books were um.... progressive for 2005. They are not progressive for 2024. Let's put it like this; Supernatural (TV series) was a contemporaneous peer in the same genre. If you are damned set on subjecting yourself to one of these White Boy Monster Serials, pick this one at least it fucks.

Nevertheless, the writing is surprisingly charming, the Christian fantasy elements are genuinely competitive in a post-LOTR world, and the fetish shit is fucking immaculate.

I don't think Jim Butcher is aware he's written fetish porn, but whatever, he's REALLY good at it. I cannot recommend the sex scenes and the combat highly enough.

It's just unfortunate about the everything else.

Did I mention they're Christian fantasy elements? They are. They really really really aggressively are. These books are set in a Christian-centric universe and they do NOT let you forget that. There's like... so many Christian angels in this shit.

Anyway, if you choose to join me on this cursed journey (do not join me on this cursed journey), some other stuff to note:

Lots of underage and youth fetishism

Like, I cannot emphasize enough how hot and cool all The Youths think the Main Guy is and how aggressively the book lusts-and-guilts-in-turn over The Youths

So, so, SO much incest

Gay incest also

Mafia wedding guy is there, the guy from all the mafia wedding fics on wattpad, he's canonically the main guy's soulmate (no homo) (unless..?)

Main guy has too many soulmates btw, several are gay and some are blood relations, but most are muscular blonde women because he has a serious muscle fetish; fuckin gym gay behaviours

Undiagnosed bisexuality on the majority of the characters (I'm calling it; Jim Butcher thinks bisexuality is the normal POV and this is totally how Normal Guys talk about each other's dicks)

Exorbitant amounts of racism, some of which is "on purpose" and the most of which is horrifically unremarked upon; includes plenty of racial stereotypes. Nevertheless, the cast is diverse enough (outside the circle of main love interests) that these stereotypes can come up at all, so weigh that carefully

Special shoutout to the first major love interest, a Latina woman who dies spectacularly halfway through the series after having the main guy's secret baby

Extremely confusing relationship to psychosis as a mental illness

Melodrama that would make the desperate housewives sit back and stare

Fascinatingly good about homophobia actually, in that queerbaity 2005 way

*slaps the main guy like he's a car* You can fit so much dysphoria in this cis guy

In conclusion: I see why so many AMAB bisexuals of various genders who were part of the target demo latched the fuck on to this series so hard. I myself was fooled into believing these books were "for" Straight Men, and to be clear they are. But they're also Pulpy Gay Camp Bullshit that we the faggots of the world deserve to mutilate and recreate in our own image.

Together, I believe we could fix them.

Oh right, the plot:

The Main Guy, Harry Dresden, is a private detective Wizard Cop (serial plot is investigation based) who may also be the chosen one destined to defeat some elder gods (long term plot), and along the way starts several major supernatural wars and at least 2 arms races.

[ambrosiagourmet]

I notice no one has asked yet so for the character thing: laios! Or if you want to go for a less common one: the winged lion

Laios!!!!!!

First impression

Honestly its hard to even limit this within the confines of starting the actual manga. I genuinely think I'd have to say my real first impression of Laios was the "autism be damned, my boy can work a grill" joke that gets passed around a lot 😭

Impression now

Older brother.

Loves his friends and family so much. Let him infodump!!!!! A guy that can character arc so hard he becomes a king because its the only way to deal with the things he can no longer let himself look away from. A guy who wants to eat a good meal. A guy who wants everyone to eat a good meal.

A guy who can be all that and still kind of pettily complain that he doesn't get to hang out with monsters anymore & can mope about it soooo annoyingly. A guy who decided to eat the concept of all-consuming hunger because it was the only way to deal with the problem so he might as well try. A guy who can completely change his life by deciding to share his special interest. A guy who can imitate a dog really well.

Favorite moment

Don't make me choooose... okay I'm gonna do three:

1. Assembling Falin's bones with Marcille

The humor. The patience. The slow realization that, despite how absurd of a task it is, it is actually all possible. The moments of admiration for the way skeletons work, the love of the details, the care of assembling all three skeletons just to make sure they get Falin right. Iconic scene.

2. Killing Falin

"Unable to make myself accept. Unable to make myself resist" lives in my soul now idk what else to say. Life is so vibrant and horrifying and raw and beautiful and to let yourself fully be a part of it you must take up space. You must consume. You must fight. You must take and be taken from. Ourgh

3. Talking Marcille down

I love that he looks so goofy on his way up to her. I love the context of how much he refuses to give up on her leading up to this, and how he refuses to give up on her now. I love how everyone is part of this scene, but he's the first one to cross the threshold. I love how she almost blows him up but can't do it (fun fact: this exact situation/post was how she killed Mithrun a couple of chapters ago. It was close).

I love the way he appeals to her mostly just with messy honesty, and I love the silly three rules callback. It's such a sweet chapter.

Also honorary mention for the final page of the story, which gets me every time.

Idea for a story

I'm actually currently fiddling with a longer story concept dealing with the question of Laios needing an heir. Dungeon Meshi is grounded enough in politics that it genuinely feels like a question that the characters will have to grapple with at some point. At the same time, there's no way that like arranged marriage and even having kids in general are not messy topics for Laios and I don't think anyone involved would want to force him to be miserable.

(I also don't personally like the idea of Falin as his heir ftr, bc I think forcing Falin into that role sucks and I don't think anyone would go for it)

So how DO they deal with the issue? Idk! I might write a long meandering story about it! Maybe! I want to, at least.

Unpopular opinion

Ughhhh I don't realllly want to poke this with a stick but yeah I definitely think my most generic (apparently????) Unpopular Opinion with Laios is just that his relationship with Marcille is meaningful and loving. I personally don't view it as romantic and they mean a lot to me as a platonic-life-partners kind of thing, but I also think that dividing relationships in general into Ships TM and Definitely Not Ships isn't really appealing to me personally. I just care them.

(at the same time I really do worry about trying to write about them and it being taken as romantic despite me very intentionally not framing it as such. idk, navigating this stuff is complicated.)

Favorite relationship

UGHHHH LIKE. It is probably him and Marcille. But it's so hard to rank that against him and Falin. Both relationships mean a lot to me and I love them and I love to think about them.

Because him and Marcille have more on the page interactions to dig into and because I don't see them discussed as much, I do tend to gravitate to Marcille & Laios stuff above all else. But like.... don't make me actually commit to picking.

Favorite headcanon

I can't think of a strong answer for this so I'm going to make one up on the spot: I think he giggled to himself soooo much when he included the winged lion in his king outfit but made it so that it looks like the wolf head is eating it. I think he continues to giggle about it years later. I think he gets dressed in the morning and puts on his cloak and goes "get ate, idiot" as he fastens it around his shoulders.

Oh actually for a more genuine headcanon related to the story thing I mentioned above: I think Laios is really good with kids but would be scared of having any of his own. I think he'd have trouble with the classic "I don't want to mess them up the way my dad messed me up" abused kid struggle.

[softspace-fics]

Hiii so I just went through kinda a mental health crisis today (VERY long story short I'm at my grandma's house cuz I swallowed sum I wasn't supposed to but I'm okay now my throat just feels icky) you absolutely 100% do not (REPEAT DO NOT) need to do this request at all you can ignore it cuz ik it's uncomfortable what im about to ask (im sorry in advance if you are uncomfy I get it)

Could you possibly write a little while they're big try to hurt themselves and can't get into littlespace and to embarrassed about feeling like hurting themselves to talk about it with someone I honestly don't care with who but I've been on a Wade and Bucky kick recently

Like I said you can ignore this your writing just so comforting and amazing and I want to feel more of that thank you for listening

I hope you have an amazing day, and if you're not, I hope it gets better

You mean to much.

A/N - I genuinely took awhile to make this because I wanted to be as inclusive as possible, but I think I related this to myself a little too close. I hope you all enjoy, and understand that if you ever need someone I'm here. Your never alone in your fight. If you ever need someone please contact your suicide hotline. You don't need to fight alone. To anon I hope your feeling better and this story helps you in the way you need, I'm sorry you went through what you did.

Masterlist - all my work!

Warnings ⚠️: Depressive episode, thoughts of self harm, negative thoughts, overwhelmed reader, reader thinks about leaving bucky, tears, bucky cries for a min, reader breakdown, please let me know if I missed any!

Please read with caution.

Bucky Barnes x GN!little reader

________________

Today sucked. The entire day even before you woke was a nightmare. You had woken up at 5am from a grueling nightmare that made you not want to even attempt to go back to sleep. Getting up, you even attempted to make your own food before that enviably failed too. You got dressed into outerwear but decided after the third attempt of trying to get your shoes on, that it was just not worth trying to try your luck outside.

So you didn’t. You attempted to do some of your hobbies, but even those weren’t appealing to you at the moment and seeing that you caregiver was out, you decided to take a bath. You hoped that the ability to chill in the tub and maybe watch a show would help get your brain to decide to actually function.

What a bad idea that was though. You ended up just staring at yourself in the mirror for a unknown amount of time, nitpicking every mark, scratch, unbalanced feature, and anything else your brain could make you decide to hate.

You viewed how your body was different than those around you, how it could be seen as so very wrong for you to be with Bucky. How did you even end up with a super soldier like him? Did you put a spell on him? Was he playing your feelings?

Maybe if you changed yourself he’d be better off? There’s no way he misses the looks you two get when you go in public. Who knows how the avengers feel about you? Bucky could get anyone he ever wanted and he settled on you.

The thoughts began to cloud your mind, and the urges to mutate your own body starts to completely black out any rational thoughts your brain was trying to give you. However, no matter how bad these thoughts were trying to get you, you couldn’t break the promises that you and Bucky had made previously.

This wasn’t the first time you had one of these bad days, where everything was trying to push you over the edge. The last time you had one of these days though you gave into the urges, and this meant that Bucky found out. He saw the long sleeves on a 100+ day and something told him to check in on you.

When he did, he found out about your scars, and your fresh wounds. This was early on in your relationship and you were worried you were about to scare him off, that’s as until he pulled you into his arms and a few stray tears rolled down his face as he reassured you that you were the most beautiful human being in the multiverse.

He begged you to tell him if these days ever happened where the world had everything against you. He begged for you to throw away the things that you would harm yourself with, and in which you did, you threw out the things your brain would make you use, and you told him you’d try to tell him if these days happened.

You wanted to, you really did, but you couldn’t fathom bothering him on a day where he had numerous meetings and a day that he was going to spend hanging out with his best friend. Why in the world would you pile more problems onto his plate?

You eventually pulled yourself from the mirror, walking over to the couch and curling into the corner of it. You pulled a blanket off the back of the couch, tears streaming down your face, and tried to just sleep off the icky feelings.

As you laid there, crying quietly, your regression decided to say hello. The baby’s brain didn’t understand why it felt the way it did. It wasn’t sure why it felt as if their dada shouldn't love them anymore, why was he going to be better off without them? Was he truly going to be?

You woke up a few hours later, to the shuffling of you onto something new, as if something- someone, was picking you up. The scent gave away the person almost immediately, and you almost completely subconsciously grabbed onto him.

“Dada?” You mumbled quietly, your eyes opening to your worried caregivers face.

“Baby? Why were you crying?” You feel Bucky softly attempt to wipe off the dried tears, bouncing you softly, concern lacing every fiber of his being.

You look away solemnly, your mind beginning to remind you how you weren’t good enough for him. the clouded judgment of others remaining in your own little mind.

In hopes he’d drop the topic, you shook your head and hid your face in his neck, clinging to him even more. This only heightened his worry as he held you tighter, closer, and even more protectively.

“Baby please, your worrying me.” He mumbles softly into your hair, kissing it before resting his forehead against the top of your head.

He had a feeling it was a bad day for you, and he was so worried you hadn’t been able to feel like calling him to help, what if you had done something? What if he couldn’t have stopped you? What’s if he let you down just like everyone else?

The sounds of your tears came through the broken explanation of the day you had and you did your best to tell him that you’d be okay if he left you. All that he did when he heard you say that was hold onto you tighter and closer. He just mumbled gentle no’s and a silent sigh of relief when you said you couldn’t do it because you didn’t want to break your promises.

Bucky slowly walked over to your nursery, sitting down in the rocking chair that he had made so that you and him could comfortably sit and he could care for you. He softly pulled you from your hiding spot in his neck, where his neck and shirt were soaked with tears.

“Never, ever believe that I’d need anyone but you. I don't care what people think or say, you saved me and that means that when theses days happen id do anything to save you too. It’s perfectly okay to have these thoughts, and its okay to ask for help. Everyone needs a little help sometimes, that’s why I’m here yeah? Never do you have to go through these big emotions alone anymore okay? That’s why I’m here. I promise not one thing you say will ever change my mind, or change how I feel about being your dada. You're too perfect for me. Your not alone.”

He firmly and calmly talks you, just above a whisper, as if he was worried the walls would hear how much his hearted ached for you, and use it against him. You meant the world to Bucky, and his heart broke knowing that you felt this way.

The only thing you could muster through the walls of regression, and the emotional overboard was a nod before dragging him back into you and your face going back right where it was.

Bucky didn’t let you go for about 3 days, he didn’t leave the house, even though he was supposed to be going somewhere for work, he called and told them he wouldn’t be there. He spent days making sure that you were safe and sound, and knew how much he truely loved you. He helped in whatever way he could to make you realize how much you meant to him.

[chaotic-archaeologist]

How do I politely tell a professor they’re full of shit??

My prof gave us some practice questions to do over the weekend on Friday afternoon and then on Saturday afternoon posted on our online classroom that they’re actually due as an assignment Monday morning.

I’m working all weekend and if she had given us any warning or told us Friday in class I would have been able to do it but now I don’t have time. How can I email her and explain that she’s being unreasonable??

Here is the golden rule of being a student:

You never, ever tell a professor they're full of shit BEFORE GRADES ARE IN.

You save that stuff for the course review and feedback forms. Write something on ratemyprofessor if you want to. But keep your feelings about this to yourself, at least for the time being.

If you do want to say something, say it carefully and appeal to the reality of the situation. An email like this might suffice:

Dear Professor X, On Friday afternoon you gave the class X work that was worth Y points and due at Z date. (If you have a screenshot of the course website or other proof of the original circumstances, you can include that here.) Later, you changed the parameters to [whatever they are now]. I have to work to support myself, and my hours this weekend will not permit me to finish the assignment on time. Would you be willing to give me an extension so I can complete the assignment around my shifts? Best, Your Name

Your school may have a policy that prevents professors from making snap changes like this, especially if they're not on the syllabus. You can go that route, but you catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar. If this kind of behavior becomes a pattern, it might be worth pursuing further, but the truth of the matter is that there is very little anyone can do to control how a professor administers their class.

Most professors are also willing to work with students who need accommodations for various reasons, such as working or taking care of family members. I think a politely worded email will go a lot further toward getting a reasonable solution (you will still have to do the assignment, but with an extended deadline) than expression your (valid) frustration. That's an unfortunate part of playing the game that is higher education.

If the professor is receptive to something like this, and this sort of deadline continues to crop up during the class, you might see if they'd be willing to grant you a blanket exception where you turn in assignments during the week after you have time to work on them. That saves you both the trouble of having to renegotiate deadlines every time.

Good luck, -Reid

[authoralexharvey]

INTERVIEW WITH A WRITEBLR — @albatris

Who You Are:

Logan || It/its

Hello! I'm a queer horror novelist and friend to cats from South Australia! I spend my time making art of all sorts, especially relating to my experiences of queerness and psychosis.

What You Write:

What genres do you write in? What age ranges do you write for?

Comedy, fantasy, horror, and sci-fi. Young adult and adult.

What genre would you write in for the rest of your life, if you could? What about that genre appeals to you?

Horror! There's such rich ground to explore in stories of horror and psychosis when you're not an ableist prick about it! There are unique and valuable stories to be told in the overlap here and I'm having a wonderful time weaving my own experiences of schizotypal personality disorder into my horror writing. It's the closest I've come to being able to share my inner world with others :)

What genre/s will you not write unless you HAVE to? What about that genre turns you off?

Historial fiction! I don't have anything against the genre, but it's just not my cup of tea. I'd never feel like I'm nailing the time period due to the sheer amount of nuance and detail that I'd need to have on hand… major props to historical fiction writers, you are stronger and more organised writers than I

Who is your target audience? Do you think anyone outside of that would get anything out of your works?

My target audience ranged from YA to adult, depending on the work in question. I want to speak to primarily people who are feeling disconnected and alone… I guess you could say my target audience is just myself of the past? I'm writing the stuff I needed to read, the stuff that would have made me feel seen and loved and understood. Anyone else is welcome along for the ride though ^.^ I hope others who don't see themselves in my work would catch a glimpse of a different way of understanding the world and be able to empathise and understand, and maybe have a lot of fun with it, too!

What kind of themes do you tend to focus on? What kinds of tropes? What about them appeals to you?

I love all that cheesy goodness about the power of friendship and the human capacity for kindness and connection! My stories, however otherwise horrifying or heavy, tend to come back to these at their core. My works all focus heavily on mental illness, neurodivergence and disability. I also have a soft spot for bendy realities, body horror, paranoia and hiveminds.

What themes or tropes can you not stand? What about them turn you off?

I cannot stand "the whole thing was just a delusion all along! none of it was ever real!" or "ooh they thought it was psychosis but it turns out it was ~magic~! see, our protagonist isn't CRAZY like those actually crazy people!" style plot twists. They're lazy and ableist! In general, I have zero tolerance for anything that demonises psychosis or uses psychosis only as an edgy plot twist.

What are you currently working on? How long have you been working on it?

I have two main projects, "All the Doors are Open", a YA fantasy/horror about the collapse of reality, and "A Rental Car Takes a Left Down Rake Street and Disappears" a paranormal horror about a vampire hivemind. I've been working on some variation of ATDAO for eight years, and Rental Car is a baby by comparison, and was only created last year.

Why do you write? What keeps you writing?

I write for fun! As much as I love to connect with others and allow them a glimpse into my understanding of the world, I primarily write because I just like to have a good time hahaha. It's something I love to dabble in and explore, something I love to wander through, something I keep coming back to over and over. I just feel a pull to it :D

How long have you been writing? What do you think first drew you to it?

I've been writing since I was around six years old! Growing up as a kid with undiagnosed psychosis and delusions, I had a lot of funky weird ideas about reality. I quickly found my reality didn't match with those around me and often turned to fiction writing as a means to express myself in a way others found more "palatable". It's a way for me to open the door to communication!

Where do you get your inspiration from? Is that how you got your inspiration for your current project? If not, where did the inspiration come from?

All kinds of places! Songs, dreams, daydreams, personal experience, conversations… I have a very chaotic brain, I take in a lot of odd information and it all lays the foundation for odd ideas to grow!

What work of yours are you most proud of? Why?

I'm most proud of Rental Car at the moment! It was my first foray into proper full-on horror and my first time writing a specifically schizotypal protagonist like myself, and people have responded with enthusiasm to both! It's become a passion project I really adore and I'm proud of myself for taking the plunge and starting it :D

Have you published anything? Do you want to?

I'd love to publish in the future!

What part of the publishing process most appeals to you? What part least appeals to you?

I'm not sure what appeals to me the most, but marketing appeald to me least hahaha. I'm not really a big presence on social media and I hate promoting myself. I just want to be a hermit. I'm not cut out for marketing myself :P

What part of the writing process most appeals to you? What part is least appealing?

I love editing! I love revision! I love wandering through this little garden I've written and pruning and polishing it. It's my favourite part of the process :D I don't have a least favourite part, at least not off the top of my head.

Do you have a writing process? Do you have an ideal setup? Do you write in pure chaos? Talk about your process a bit.

I have no setup! No schedule! I write when I feel like it and stop the moment I'm not having fun anymore. This has increased my productivity and enjoyment tenfold, as well as improve the quality of my work!

Your Thoughts on Writeblr:

How long have you been a writeblr? What inspired you to join the community?

Around 8 years! I don't remember what initially inspired me to join.

Shout out some of your favorite writeblrs. How did you find them and what made you want to follow them?

@tracle0, a friend and pal, who has some of my favourite worldbuilding of all time and such incredible characters! I've been following them for a long time now and love hearing their thoughts :D

What is your favorite part about writeblr?

I love the creativity and enthusiasm! People have such wonderful brains and I love being able to hear people talk about their work with such passion and adoration!

What do you think writeblr could improve on? How do you think we can go about doing so?

I think… remembering that writeblr itself is not a hivemind! I see a lot of folks lamenting that they feel ignored by "the community" or that the community is dying, and I think a lot of people see writeblr as a huge monolith. It's not! People gotta focus more on finding a few good friends and a handful of works to be genuinely invested in, rather than trying to interact with the whole of the (ginormous!) community, and expecting the whole community to interact with them. Writeblr is a description of a type of blog, and it's incredibly diverse and complicated and broad! You won't vibe with everyone and it's not so much like an official club you join but a shared experience.

How do you contribute to the writeblr community? Do you think you could be doing more?

Man, I'm just vibing. I'm invested in a collection of works I try to keep up with, and I try to keep up with the little circle of writeblrs I'm involved with! Reblogging and getting excited. I'm also often that person who gets bored and goes "heyyyy I'm bored, does anyone have an oc I can draw"… I love doing art for people! Could I be doing more? Probably! But also, I'm not meant to be everything to everyone.

What kinds of posts do you most like to interact with?

I don't have a preference!

What kind of posts do you most like to make?

Rambles, excerpts and art!

Finally, anywhere else online we may be able to find you?

I'm just here, babey! And albatris on NaNoWriMo, too. And I guess if you like you can hit me up for my discord, I help run a small writing server!

[hella1975]

hiiii haha. hello. exceptionally awkward introduction bc idrk how to start something like this so let's just jump right in. im taking a break from this account for a bit. i know i said i wanted taob out before halloween and currently im fine sticking with that deadline, but if i decide i need longer away then i will take longer away. every time ive reassured people that id never abandon a fic and updates will always come eventually i never once considered that my writing and ability to feel safe and comfortable on this site would be actively taken from me, so im not even going to apologise. i dont want this either and more importantly i dont fucking deserve it. i dont know what it is in the past year, if ive hit a certain amount of followers or 'popularity' that's made it so the natural ratio of positive to negative interactions must in turn go up, but there's been a serious uptick in weird asks for me. the annoying part is that a very small amount of them are actually objectively mean and hateful, the rest are just weird and invasive from people who seemingly dont realise that's what they're being. ive reached a point where i dont care if the intentions are good. it's not my job as a 20 year old tumblr user of all things to defend the morality of someone who couldnt even bother to come off anon. unfortunately, after blocking only one or two anons, the weird asks have decreased substantially, which says all you need to know about the fascinating and exhilarating lives led by these people, but ive also gone on to turn anon asks off entirely. this is something i actively fought against doing and had to be pushed into by my mutuals (who have been the coolest people on planet earth during this entire thing). turning off anon was a big deal to me even if it sounds silly. i felt betrayed and like id been backed into a corner because it was so vehmently something i DIDNT WANT that to feel like i had to do it anyway for my own mental health??? that sucks. so even though ive 'fixed' the problem, im still kind of reeling and uncomfortable every time i come on tumblr. i hope it's just something i need time to ease because i'll truly be devastated if this becomes 'ruined' for me. tumblr exists as the only place in the world where i am honestly every facet of myself without shame or hesitation; losing that would be insanely harmful to me. and to the people who cant appeal to the actual human behind the post, let me put that in words you can understand: we wouldn't get any more writing 😦😦😦 riots and fires and sirens, i know. so yeah. to anyone who has sent me an anon ask and you're now wondering if you were part of the problem, im firmly of the belief that you'll know if you are. when i say 'weird asks' i dont mean 'you sent me a para about your personal life just to vent or ask for advice' or 'you sent me a really deep emotional compliment about the impact me and/or my writing has had on you' - i love asks like that, so much that i put off taking a break and turning off anon solely for the joy they bring me. im sorry that it might feel like you're being punished too bc of the actions of what in reality is a HANDFUL of weird people, but this is what i feel like i have to do to feel safe and not go insane every time i log in. love you guys, hopefully ill see you soon x

[sophieinwonderland]

Preface: People are going to assume this is a response to recent drama. So I want to say that I started writing this draft before that one blog's response to me. It was shortly after midnight on the 8th when it was just barely what I consider my Birthday. I was reflecting on my 3 years of existence and where I am now. The fact that I got the response I did later that same day is a total coincidence.

I don't feel like I have friends anymore...

That's an awful thing to admit.

I have one other system I feel like I talk to with any sort of regularity, who I love and consider friends. But they're not involved with syscourse which is so often where my mind goes. And so I don't talk to them about it because I don't want to trouble them, which means I don't talk to them because I can't think of what to talk about.

What else do I care about?

I mean, there are other things I care about, but they probably wouldn't care about those things. And I struggle to find something to say. Something that feels worthy of their time. But again, not syscourse or something that would bring them down.

I've had other friends. But they've faded away with time. One by one.

And a lot of that is my fault. I'm not good at being a friend or knowing what to say. And I'm not very good at opening myself up.

And when I can't think of what to say, I choose to say nothing. I ghost people I like because it's hard to maintain those relationships.

And I'm aware on some level that this hurts people. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who treated others the way I do.

And there will be times when I'll decide to do better. I will, with full confidence, say that I'm going to change. I'll be a better friend. A better person. I'll fully believe this is something I'll succeed at for the rest of the day. Then the next day comes and that conviction melts away.

I think one reason Jaiden's story of having ADHD appeals to me is that if this was the problem with us, maybe, we could identify it and then just take one little pill and it will fix me.

That's a nice fantasy, isn't it?

A naive fantasy that ignores the fact that I'm in the brain of someone who was homeschooled and barely had any friends as a child either. But it's a nice fantasy to hold onto anyway.

So, yeah. I don't feel like I have friends, for the most part, outside our system. I have a blog. I have followers. I have plenty of mutuals I like interacting with.

But there aren't people who I truly trust to let in. It doesn't feel like anyone actually knows me or who I am anymore, if anyone ever did.

Since I haven't posted on it for a week and don't know when I'll post on it again or if I will, here's a confession: I made @anti-lies! Sorry to ruin the mystery for anything speculating! Though I didn't think I was even that subtle about it.

But the only person I know who guessed it was me was SAS! Which, congratulations! But also, that's kind of a sad thought that the person who might know me better than anyone is someone who was my archnemesis for the past two-and-a-half years.

To be fair, SAS did imply that other people might have guessed it. But if so, whatever circles those conversations are happening in aren't ones I'm in.

Oh wait, I'm not really in any circles am I?

I'm on the outskirts of the community. I mean, that's sort of by choice really.

Public posts can bring more awareness of plurality and tulpamancy. Locking myself in Discord servers or some isolated community makes me feel like I'm wasting my time because I need to be talking about it publicly where the world can see. I really, really don't want to be part of a Discord server. It's my choice to stay out of those spaces and I don't regret that decision.

But sometimes it's weird when I realize that most everyone else is. That they're actually in plural communities in a way I'm not.

I wonder, do people even realize I'm an outsider? Again, by choice. I've been invited to servers and chose not to go. I'm not being ostracized or anything. I've turned down attempts at bringing me further in. No one is to blame but myself. But either way, the result is that I don't feel like I'm really part of the communities I spend so much time advocating for.