#and i wont even worry about this present pain

[queer-queen-bean]

the tragedy of knowing by experience that it gets better if you just keep going, that the present is inescapable and endless but if you can endure the mundane agony that's haunted you as long as you can remember then things will get better because even when you've been treading water for years, sometimes you can find the strength to swim.

[kafus]

i wont feel offended if you ignore this ask btw, i get that its asking something kind of personal! but can i ask what you mean by the internet treating DID as magical?

hi i actually enjoy DID questions don't worry LOL and i'm in the mood rn

when most people think about DID they are usually thinking about very overt cases with very distinct alters with vastly different personalities, different names, gender identities, etc. while this is a popular angle to imagine DID, overt cases like that are actually a pretty small percentage of what DID tends to look like. (of course, social media can push people's presentation to become more overt, which isn't fake/bad or anything, humans are social animals and the way we interact with each other can affect even our mental illnesses. additionally some people will become more overt after receiving therapy while they start communicating with alters for the first time. but my point is DID is not usually that strikingly obvious)

this popular perception also leaves out a lot of the rest of DID which falls in line with what people consider more "typical" disorders, PTSD symptoms galore, dissociation/dissociative amnesia, somatic pains and illness, comorbid conditions and physical disabilities. i think if people had more of an understanding of the non-alter parts of DID, it would ground the disorder a lot more and make it a lot less "magical" seeming.

but overall it all comes back to like... people not understanding that DID is just an extension of PTSD and other parts-based disorders. the same psychological process that makes PTSD/C-PTSD happen, BPD, etc, is what causes DID, it's just pushed to a far extreme due to when the trauma is experienced (very early childhood) and other factors surrounding that trauma, such as the length of time the trauma occurred over, or whether or not the child had stable caregivers and/or relief from traumatic events. DID is not some sort of completely separate category of mental illness - alters (the DID definition of them) may be unique to DID, but they come from the same place a ton of other mental illnesses do and there's a ton of overlapping symptoms between DID and pretty much every disorder caused by trauma.

i often see people act like DID is some far off life experience they couldn't even fathom or imagine living with, but if anyone just actually explained this shit properly i'm pretty sure most people, especially traumatized people, would go "oh that makes sense" and not feel so estranged from it lol. it's really frustrating because people continuing to see DID as this sort of magical, far-off experience, takes the disability/disorder out of it in conversation about it (people can only ever seem to talk about alters) and it also usually ends up spreading misinformation at the same time. there's sooo much bullshit about DID out there. good grief. it even hurts other people with trauma-based conditions that aren't DID

edit: wait also btw OSDD-1 is included in this conversation, i'm just using DID as shorthand instead of typing DID/OSDD every time and i am personally diagnosed with DID so lol

[blueeofsl]

Page 17. We see that Donnie is just laughing at the joke now. It might be because it’s right after Leo sobbing for a while and then he just pulls that joke out of nowhere, or the fact that Donnie is exhausted. Or maybe, Donnie just really missed his stupid jokes

But it relaxes Donnie out of whatever caffeine or adrenaline high he’s been in for so long, and he passes out on Leo. Literally laughs himself to sleep.

However for Leo, this was probably really worrying. Because Donnie was active and talking to him and suddenly he’s passed out. (Also is it just me or does it look like Leo’s stump is sorta holding Donnie’s head up?)

~~~~~

In Page 18, Leo gently lays Donnie down on the bed he had woken up from. Staring at Donnie the whole way through with a sort of attentiveness to any sort of discomfort/pain.

He’d probably noticed the eyebags under Donnies eyes too.

In the second panel, Leo’s worry shows through again and seems to need to take a breath before checking Donnie’s pulse in panel three.

The fact that Donnie lets this happen so willingly (even when passed out. I would guess that over the years in the apocalypse, the turtles have learned a way to protect themselves even in their sleep.) shows that he is fully out and probably wont wake up for a while.

~~~~~

In page 19, notice how there wasn’t just one panel being used to show Leo focusing on Donnie’s pulse, but two. We can tell by Leo’s facial expression that he’s still having doubts of seeing Donnie alive again.

Still doubting that things are real in the third panel as he goes to check his own pulse. His own pulse being much quicker than Donnies. This could be because of the fact that Donnie’s asleep while Leo is awake. Or it could be the fact that Leo is very alert now that he’s alone.

In the last panel, Leo finally lets himself say what he’s thinking at the moment “what the fuck”. I don’t think ive ever read those words with so much emotion behind them because yes. Leo is just… so confused on how he got here. He has no clue that they’re in the present timeline, where Donnie can resurrect people. He has no idea if there are other people out there other than him and Donnie. He doesn’t even know that the sky is now free of krang and is blue instead of the apocalyptic red.

The last panel also shows us that Leo is also finally starting to take note of his surroundings, past just trying to reach for Donnie.

~~~~~

Some other theories/notes; I’m guessing that Leo is going to need a lot of guidance/reassurance of the fact that things are real and that he can relax. Like Casey, he probably wont be a fan of the big crowds in NYC and would rather stay hidden.

I’m also guessing that the family will have some sort of “talk” about what has happened overall. The war, the people they’ve lost, everything. Maybe Cass wont add this in, but I think Mikey will try to have everyone at least address the fact that not only are they survivors, but they are also veterans from a long, long war.

~~~~~~~~~~

Phew… that was a lot of writing! Loved checking through all 59 panels and finding the little details/ focusing on the emotion Cass was trying to portray there.

Would like to thank @somerandomdudelmao for the comics and also @tapakah0 and @ryanthel0ser for being wonderful motivators hehe

PART 1

PART 2

PART 3 (here)

[icarusredwings]

you ever think about well.. better than the alternative being a wade song? like,, guy who thinks he's broken wanting to be a good father and someone who can be loved.. like it's him isn't it?

First. This is my 1001th post, and Im up to 506 followers! Thank you, everyone, for everything!

Secondly- Congrats. You made me cry. I litsened to this and thought about it very deeply. Its something thats always resonated with me becuse I KNOW the voices in his head are constantly having anxiety on whether or not Ellie is going to get herititary cancer or not and itll he all his fault. If she'll get herititary mental illness. He worries if HIS own mental illness is going to prevent him from being a father. He spirals in so much worry that shes going to end up thinking hes ugly or gross. That she won't want him as a father, that she would be better off as someone elses kid. But BY GOD if ANYONE tries to take this little girl from his custody theyre going to have to pry her from his cold dead, collared hands.

I actually had a sad idea of Logan helping Wade get his daughter back because they claimed he was a danger to her and that the place they live is unsafe for her. It makes Wade insane. Like actually nuts. It's like he just.. breaks. There's no sympathy, no joking around, constantly crying in pain, no warnings, just plain, quick, silent murder. In this fic I actually had the idea of them getting married "Just to get ellie back" because Logan (as a room mate) can't stand the sight of him absolutely loosing his last purpose of living. So he adopts Ellie legally and shares custody of her, so now hes also her legal guardian and caretaker. "Supervises Wade with his daughter" kind of position and yet he doesn't. Theres no point. He knows Ellie is extremely safe and yes they need to move to a better home, Wade at least wants to live again now that he has Ellie..

The guy holds her so tight every night and plays with her all the spare time he has. Even when hes exhasuted and bloody from work, he still makes time for her. Sure, hes falling asleep at tea parties but at least hes present.

At the time Logan was a single dad of Laura and Gabby too so when they got court house hitched, they didn't tell the girls since yk "Its not like that"

But eventually it DOES become like that and they both have a happy little family of 3 crazy little girls, their crazy dad, and their even crazier papa. Oh and their puppy puppins.

I wont be writing this but if anyone does, tag me!

[scoobydoodean]

i think even though cas was in there stealing the journal, i think he was trying to legitimately convince dean to come to his side, because he does it the Very next episode (although he doesnt seem to realize that hes being manipulative about it..im not trying to infantilize him i just remember him being confused/surprised when dean points out that crowley gave him the same line)

like i do think theres a bit of double think in how castiel acts and behaves and he doesnt seem to grasp the emotional consequences of his actions, especially in this season.

like he thinks hes saying "if you trust me (please trust me) i can get crowley to release lisa and ben, because you wont be a threat anymore to his plan"

but dean hears "if you want lisa and ben back, you'll have to fall in line"

thats not to say dean is wrong for hearing it like that, but castiel really seems to be struggling with communication because he did this all for dean (in his mind) and once it's all over everything will be fine, lucifer and michael will stay in their cage, and dean and lisa will be safe at home.

but at this point hes killed too many and hurt too many people to turn back so when dean pleads for him to back down hes hearing dean say "im fine with risking the apocalypse again, and i cant trust you to do a plan that you are certain will work" when dean is just worried about another eve slipping through

its just very delightfully complex (imho) i dont really have a conclusion

Cas definitely wanted Dean on his side. He didn't need to wake Dean up or have a conversation with him to get the journal. He chose to wake him up and have that conversation because he desperately wanted Dean not to think badly of him. It's just hilarious that at the same time, he was also like. There to steal shit. When he saw Dean sleeping on that couch, he just couldn't help himself. He wanted to talk to Dean.

Trying to get Dean on his side was important to Cas because he loves Dean and values their friendship, but it was also important to him because Cas had, to some extent, tied his self-image to everyone else's perception of him over the whole season. He lies to all of his friends—Sam, Dean, Bobby, Balthazar, Rachel. He lies to the Winchesters because he wants a place he can come to where someone still recognizes him as the person he used to be and not the person he is becoming. Crowley puts this best:

CROWLEY: The big lie -- the Winchesters still buy it. The good Cas, the righteous Cas. And long as they still believe it, you get to believe it. Well, I got news for you, kitten. A whore is a whore is a whore.

This is a period where Cas was doubting everything and wrestling with moral quandaries. He sees his own actions as monstrous, but also believes that monstrosity is necessary. He and Dean have a conversation about this very early on in 6.06, after their last interaction in 6.03 had Cas causing a child excruciating pain to gain information.

DEAN What happened to you, Cas? You used to be human, or at least like one. CASTIEL I'm at war. Certain... regrettable things are now required of me.

I've talked about how the title of this episode, "You Can't Handle The Truth", shows Cas's hand in that he doesn't believe anybody else can handle the dirty work. He knows it makes him look bad and that's why he lies about it—to protect his image.

The whole of 6.20, he's struggling, but he's doing it alone. To his friends, he presents his actions with surety—telling Dean insistently that Cas knows what he's doing and that there's nothing broken about his plan, while he says privately praying to his father:

Am I doing the right thing? Am I on the right path? You have to tell me. You have to give me…A sign. Give me a sign. Because if you don’t…I’m gonna ju– I’m gonna do whatever I… Whatever I must.

And to himself about working with Crowley:

I asked myself, “what was I doing with this vermin?”

And while betraying Crowley briefly by killing demons Crowley sent after the Winchesters:

For a brief moment…I was me again.

Sam and Dean and Bobby's belief in Cas's goodness (that he was himself) was so important to Cas that he was spying on them all of 6.20 despite his alleged busy schedule just to check in and see what they were thinking about him. And when they did trust him again for that brief moment, he felt relief, but also knew it was all an illusion and felt shame and guilt about it:

Wonders never cease. They trusted me again. But it was just another lie. 

The same discomfort and shame seeps off Cas in 5.17 when Sam and Dean thank him for saving them, while Cas knows Astropos was only after them because of him, and that if they understood the full picture, their feelings about what he'd actually done to "save" them would be very very different. He knows he's receiving praise he doesn't deserve, so the esteem they place on him is hollow.

On the other hand, I do think Cas grasps the emotional consequences of his actions for the most part. That's why he lied the whole season—because he was afraid of the fallout among every single person he knew and even more as the lies stacked and stacked. He knew none of them would agree with what he was doing. But the consequences with Sam and Dean also extend a little deeper than Cas thought they would, and that's what wounds him the absolute most, I think. I don't think Cas expected Sam to question whether Cas intentionally left his soul in The Cage, or for Dean to question whether or not Cas was involved in the plot to kidnap Lisa and Ben in 6.21. He is genuinely and deeply wounded when his care for them is essentially questioned at the very foundation and it leaves him feeling betrayed in his own way.

The thing is, Cas's privately held doubts still do not match the picture he presents to the Winchesters even after he is exposed. Privately, Cas is starting to see the pride and hubris underlying some of his choices:

I wish I could say I was clean of pride at that moment…

I see now that I was prideful. And in all likelihood, I was a fool.

I see now that was arrogance…Hubris 

Privately, Cas reveals that his motives aren't as pure as he presents them to be:

I had no choice. I did it to protect the boys. Or to protect myself. I-I don’t know anymore.

Hiding…Lying…Sweeping away evidence. And my motives used to be so pure.

Crowley had a point, of course. My interest was conflicted. I still considered myself the Winchesters’ guardian.

But to the Winchesters? He says "I did it all for you" and "I did it to protect you. I did it to protect all of you" and "It's not broken". He doesn't let them see his doubts, because he might crumble under them—and because sunk cost fallacy and his own pride won't allow him to accept being questioned even by his closest friends. In other words, he continues to lie, and after the big reveal, Dean can see right through him.

CASTIEL: I'm doing this for you, Dean. I'm doing this because of you. DEAN: Because of me. Yeah. You got to be kidding me.

Cas's pride also comes out in this conversation at night in Bobby's house.

DEAN: I'm not gonna logic you, okay? I'm saying don't...Just 'cause. I'm asking you not to. That's it. Look, next to Sam, you and Bobby are the closest things I have to family -- that you are like a brother to me. So, if I'm asking you not to do something...You got to trust me, man. CASTIEL: Or what?

Dean says he isn't going to logic Cas. Bobby and Sam and Dean already tried that earlier that day, Balthazar will also try later, and it doesn't register. Dean puts all of the technical arguments aside and is trying to say (coupled with his earlier assertions) "I know you think you have to do this, but all of us can see you're going off the deep end and even you know that deep down. Please trust us on this." But Cas's response is "Or what?" He turns it into a battle of wills, then adds, "You can't stop me. You're just a man", which is also a dogwhistle for Dean when dealing with angels, who repeatedly over the course of the show, have called him a monkey, a dog, a pet, and other things to express the idea that he is beneath them as a justification for using and hurting him. It immediately turns them against each other because Cas feels like Dean is basically calling him crazy and is offended by the idea that he doesn’t know what he’s doing (even though he has his own private doubts, because at this point his self-image hinges on turning out to be right). Dean is seeing the angelic sense of superiority come out—something he’s far more familiar with than he’d like to be—something common to the angels who have used and manipulated and threatened him and acted entitled to him… and coupled with all the questions about exactly how involved Cas was in using Dean to get alphas over the course of the season and how he knows Cas used him in “The French Mistake”? It doesn’t paint a pretty picture for Dean.

In addition to their profound bond, I think Dean saying, "Cas, we can fix this!" and Dean being Cas's defender the entirety of 6.20 is also why Cas comes to him at the end of the episode. Dean is the weak link in the chain at the time (that completely changes in the next episode when Lisa and Ben are kidnapped). But Dean is also so devastated about all the faith he had in Cas's honesty being crushed, and he's reliving the demon blood arc in some sense, and he's probably reevaluating what he felt when Cas used him in "The French Mistake" and what exactly was going on in "My Heart Will Go On" and how—when Crowley forced him and Sam into doing his bidding, Cas knew it and he let it happen—he let it happen because he wanted the alphas. Not only did Cas know Crowley was using them—he went to great lengths to cover up his involvement and keep them off Crowley's tail. Cas's speech in the following episode demanding Dean's trust again is not only ill-timed while Dean is worried sick about Lisa and Ben—it's full of lies and half truths and even a little shit slinging that Dean knows isn't fair and that is deeply reminiscent of Sam's speech full of falehoods about trust in 4.21.

On Cas's side, I think you're spot on about his lack of cognizance on how he comes across when he says:

CASTIEL: I came to tell you that I will find Lisa and Ben, and I will bring them back. Stand behind me, the one time I ask.

I don't think Cas meant to suggest that the first statement depends on the second one (we can judge as much when he heals Lisa at the end of the episode) but that's absolutely how it comes across.

[angelheony]

'Under the Veil of the Night Sky'

✶⋆.˚꩜ .ᐟ˙⋆✶ Synopsis ✶⋆.˚꩜ .ᐟ˙⋆✶

When painful memories catch up to people in the middle of the night, A change of scenery can definitely aid- At least that's what you think. ( Modern au!)

Jiang Cheng x gn Reader

Warnings- Might be ooc, bad grammar, and horrible parenting

┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ┊

┊ ┊ ┊ ┊ ˚★⋆｡˚ ⋆

┊ ┊ ┊ ⋆

┊ ┊ ★⋆

┊ ◦

★⋆ ┊ . ˚

˚★

In the late hour of the night, two lovers intertwined. Though one finds himself restless, words echoing in his mind. Whether it be the favored words of his father towards anyone but him, the harshness of his mother, and the constant pressure of having to be better than everyone else or your a failure in 'their' eyes. Leaves a certain Jiang Cheng twisting and turning in his bed trying to find rest.

"A-cheng..Can't sleep?" A voice laced with sleep asked beside him. Seemingly stirred by all the movement

"..No, Sorry did I wake you up?"

✶⋆.˚꩜ .ᐟ˙⋆✶ ✶⋆.˚꩜ .ᐟ˙⋆✶

Jiang Cheng tries to keep his tone neutral to not worry the person beside him. Though it all proves to be futile under your keen observation.

You look beside you groggily "What's plaguing your mind? you know you can tell me..."

"Its nothing, Go back to sleep, i'll follow shortly"

He dismisses your words quickly,

You sigh, if he doesn't want to share such heavy thoughts to you just yet, you wont force him. "Ever tried counting sheep to sleep yet?" You try to lighten the mood instead,

"Who still does that? i'm not a five year old anymore"

He huffs out, looking to you with raised eyebrows.

"Hey, never hurts to try" You smile sheepishly back at him, Though shut down by a quick 'no' by the man beside you.

"Fine, wanna go somewhere for a change of scenery? Maybe at the park..."

You say whilst sitting up, wanting to spend some time with him as well. What better time than in the deep of the night, not messing up with your already hectic schedules.

"Who still wanders about at 1 am?" He sits up as well, finding no use in just twisting and turning to get some sleep.

"People who can't sleep, duh. So only a few, plus nobody can bother us now." A sudden wave of energy hits you, hurrying to dress up to at least look presentable at 1 am explorations.

Jiang Cheng just let out a sigh, entertaining your antics just this once.

✶⋆.˚꩜ .ᐟ˙⋆✶ ✶⋆.˚꩜ .ᐟ˙⋆✶

You both originally wanted to go to the empty park, but not before passing through the convenience store to get some snacks, as per your request. A mutter from Jiang Cheng can be heard as well, Huffing out that we just went out in the middle of the night just cause you were hungry, which was amusing to him.

After a few squanders on which snack to buy, you arrive at the park. Proceeding to sit on the bench nearby to take in the tranquility of the atmosphere.

"It really is better here at night," You sigh in content, as you take a bite on the chips you bought. Nudging a piece to him, so he can have a taste as well.

He nods in agreement before taking a bite,

",How're you feeling?" you continue.

"Surprisingly better.." Jiang Cheng murmured, "And tired after all that walking." Rolling his eyes, before leaning his head on your shoulder

"See i'm so smart, when we get back you can surely sleep peacefully now!" Patting him on the head, You say boisterously

"Smart? Where?"

"Wow, okay be that way..." You exchange witty comments with each other for the time being, but after a while, You say softly.

"You know I won't force you to tell me all that's in your mind, but just know that i'll always be here, by your side.."

"I know", Jiang Cheng pulls your body in a tight embrace, Though you won't know the exact thoughts in this man's mind, you hope that it brings him even the littlest of comfort. Embracing him with equal fervor

"Now let's go home shall we? It's almost dawn"

His softening tone tells you everything you need to know for the time being, you nod.

✶⋆.˚꩜ .ᐟ˙⋆✶ ✶⋆.˚꩜ .ᐟ˙⋆✶

As fast as sleep took you in, at the same rate will you have to part from its embrace. Now in your lecture room, The sound of Wei Wuxian's voice echoes out, asking on why you both look like fierce corpses this early in the morning. You both could only answer with a glare and another a sigh. After all you cant say much after only a few hours of much needed sleep since midterms are coming, but oh well, you'll survive cause you know that your both in this together.

✶⋆.˚꩜ .ᐟ˙⋆✶ ✶⋆.˚꩜ .ᐟ˙⋆✶

Yey!! second fic done, idk but I just wanna drown Jiang Cheng with hugs

[i-sveikata]

"He’s not pulling away, he’s worrying about Vegas pulling away- that’s why he’s so concerned about Vegas’ mental state and why his thoughts are so focused on the emotions Vegas might be hiding from him right now." Oh yes that reminds me of the last chapter when Pete tries to talk about it with Vegas in the shower, it was also a very interesting scene but which seemed very short to me (or maybe it was just an attempt at the real confrontation as you seem to point out); when Pete makes him point out that Vegas is looking for pain and then he makes a connection with his father and how he highlights that Vegas has not externalized the mourning of his father, that he would still be in a kind of denial?

"It’s Pete who is pushing to deepen things whilst Vegas is internally panicking and closing himself off in preparation for losing him (this is the longest anyone has ever lasted with Vegas and he’s so ready for the other shoe to drop. He’s certain he’s going to ruin it eventually and lose Pete for good). So it’s especially vulnerable of Pete to be reaching out like this and trusting Vegas won’t hurt him." It’s true that now that you mention it, we talk a lot about Pete being on the defensive but we don’t talk enough about Vegas even though it seems more subtle and ingrained in him. During the coup, he even said a sentence (I don’t remember it) where he let it be understood that he was acting like this because he knew that he had no chance with Pete deep down and that despite asking for it and wanting it, he is the one who rejects and self-sabotages the relationship. It's so subtle that at times I end up forgetting it because Vegas literally in the extremes, the famous "all or nothing" operation, he is so extreme and deep in his love and desire for Pete but at the same time, he seems to be the one who would be the most afraid of a peaceful and reciprocal relationship with Pete. Did I make a point? I would be really very curious to know your opinion.

Your teasing makes me even more impatient omg can't wait for this chapter, I love the deep conversations between the two and the fact that they are going to talk about Vegas' suicide attempt and his desire for pain I AM SO READY)

Thank you so much for your answers, while waiting for the chapters I hold on to it ahah

oh yes that scene in the shower was defs an attempt to work through how messed up they are at the moment but pete's torn between needing to ask these hard questions and knowing vegas isn't well enough to be answering them. so hes struggling to hold himself back and establish boundaries because vegas wont set boundaries with pete like he should. thats why pete is setting them on his behalf.

Yes vegas is still not at all coping with his father's death so he's still in denial of reality stage at the present- which the drugs really werent helping because it's softened reality, made it blurry at the edges too much for him to reach any kind of acceptance. yesssss Pete's defensiveness/ walls are much more obvious to the readers because its his POV and vegas is always the one trying to deepen their relationship/ push them further along the line to get them to the stage that he wants and needs them to be i.e together in a committed relationship.

so its very easy to see that and not notice the ways vegas is still trying to protect himself from the eventuality of losing pete. its definitely more subtle because everything else about vegas is so loud and direct its easy for pete (and the readers) to miss this element of their dynamic. but it's 100% there and is totally a trauma response. like hes desperate for petes love and acceptance of their relationship but hes also terrified of actually getting it. consider this is a guy where like 90% of the things he tries to succeed at or chooses to want, he gets belittled for or fails at or is sabotaged by life and circumstances to fail. he didnt have a father backing him if he wanted to try something for himself, all of vegas' moves, his business decisions, his violent reputation and manipulative behaviours have been carefully curated by his father who recognised these talents and decided to nurture them over everything else. vegas isn't used to being the one making the decisions. he might resist and chafe and temporarily rebel against those orders if he thinks differently or has different (or better) ideas of how to manage things but his father always ended up getting his way in the end. Pete is the only real exception to this.

so he's been policed and hovered over, parts of him squashed out until he's been whittled down to the essentials of what his father expected and wanted from him. and his father's influence has been so strong that all of the horrible things he's said vegas is and told him that he's only capable of, Vegas has to some degree or other taken this in as a part of his identity and believed it- regardless of whether it was true or not.

being with pete has forced him to confront that image of himself and recognise that the parts of him his father squashed might have been made smaller, might have become quieter but that doesnt mean they stop being part of him. but that's an extremely hard kind of abuse to work against because it's been incorporated into his belief system and that's why he said those things during the coup because he truly believes he'll fuck it up or sabotage it (intentionally or not) in the end and that's why it was even more terrifying to have pete offering him everything he wanted.

because nothing works out for him!!! he's learned to survive based around that non-stop disappointment so it literally breaks his brain when good things are happening to him because good things don't happen to him!! they can't!! and he can't cope if they do.

i wouldnt say he's necessarily afraid of a peaceful relationship with pete- he just doesnt know how to have that kind of relationship because all of his relationships are either dysfunctional or held together by family obligation. what he's most afraid of is having a taste of a good life with pete, of understanding what it's like to be loved and respected and admired and needed, to have someone actually want his company for once, to truly enjoy having him around- and then lose it. for him it's like getting a drop of water in the desert, will it quench his thirst entirely and satisfy him? or will it leave him desperate for more now that he's finally had that first taste?

vegas has survived this long by convincing himself he can survive anything, by moving forward through an impossibly strong will. but what frightens him most about pete, i think, is that if he has pete and then loses him, is that he seems to know already that he won't survive that. so its self preservation to be afraid and guarded and keep pete a little at arms length even as he desperately wants to let him in and never let him go.

but dont worry hes going to work out that he's safe with pete eventually!!! and once those floodgates open he's going to give pete everything. he wont hold back like that again, he wont be able to.

oh sorry about the teasing!!! haha but yeah we are defs very very close to getting there!! ive been doing so much world building/ location research you would not believe how random my google search history is at the moment lmao but im definitely filling up those gaps i've left so the chapter is nearly fully fleshed out!! youre so welcome!!

[pastanest]

if you’re wondering why I’m having to repost this, or why you were perhaps previously following me but no longer are, please refer to this post. I was able to retrieve this thanks to @rosieathena - thanks so much!! ♡

Spencer Reid x she/her!reader

Give Her Back To Me

Spencer never imagined experiencing pain such as this. His expression is vacant, his exterior appearing calm while a storm swirls inside of him. The storm that had started as sickness and worry, has transformed into a tornado of fire and rage that he can barely contain.

“Kid, you ready?” Derek questions warily as he finished gearing his friend up, rigged with a concealed mic and earpiece, and a gun, but none of the team needed to present Spencer with that. He had one on him from the moment he knew this was going to happen.

Dragging himself back down to earth and at a safe distance from his destructive thoughts, Spencer nods wordlessly, his eyes unable to focus on anything but the door at the end of the hall. He knows that as soon as he sees that monster’s face, the anger he’s managed to kept under wraps thus far will consume him. The team see no use in attempting to reach Spencer at this time, his mind is otherwise occupied, and as a result, their sorrowful smiles that Spencer doesnt see are accompanied by their reassuring pats on his back. That was his cue, and he’d never forgive himself if he waited a second longer before speed walking towards the door.

As soon as he swings the door open, Spencer’s eyes lock onto the monster himself, sitting at the only table, placed in the centre of the hall. The monster has a pleased smile on his face as he clasps his hands together, it’s unlikely to believe that - if there were any witnesses to this - others would see through the kind facade of this scum, but the layers of malevolence that sat beneath it were clear as day to Spencer Reid, and he is utterly repulsed. Fury bursts at the seams of the young man as he stares at the creature that is less than human, and he thunders over to the table, sitting down opposite the embodiment of evil. He cant believe that he’s sitting with the monster that had taken the love of his life and hidden her away somewhere.

“Spencer - I can call you Spencer, cant I? We know each other well enough by now. I have to say, Im disappointed, I was expecting you to tear open the skies above for your precious girl, but you wont even meet my simple demands to ensure that she remains alive?”

This man is responsible for the deaths of 12 women who were all previous kidnapping victims, Spencer’s girlfriend was to be ‘lucky number 13’, as this killer had branded her when he was nothing more than another unsub. It was at that point, things got extremely personal. This serial killer was worse than any other Spencer had read about or helped to arrest, purely because he had taken you, and the subtle threats in the monster’s words will do little to deter Spencer’s mission today.

Spencer leans forward in his seat, clasping his hands in front of him exactly as the killer has done, which causes the scum to sit back in his chair and remove his hands from the table. By no means was Spencer ever regarded as an intimidating man, not when compared to other members of his team at least, but on his own, and in this head space? He is a force to be reckoned with.

“You told me specifically to come here alone and leave my team blissfully unaware of this meeting, but I decided not to listen, because you see, I will do absolutely anything for her - that’s important, keep note of that - I will do anything for her, but for you? No amount of horrific backstory is going to make me pity you enough to convince me that I shouldnt submit you to every form of torture I know of until you tell me where she is, and I may not even stop then.”

The monster chuckles wickedly, as though he somehow believes he has even the slightest chance of survival. “You’re not a man of violence, Doctor Reid, the only research you do is to keep the peace.”

“That usually is the case, yes, but you seem to be under the misapprehension that I care for your continued existence. I have nothing to lose without her here, which means, after the very little consideration that was necessary, I have chosen to ignore the consequences of my actions. I’ve been reading up on nothing but torture methods from the moment you took her, that was six days ago. 20,000 words per minute and an eidetic memory, do you really want to see how creative I can get?”

As the venom drips from his own words, he cant help the painful tug at his heartstrings as he recalls the past six days. This is the longest time he has spent without you from the day you met, and it has been a period entirely consumed by anguish. The night you were taken, Spencer had dropped you off at your house after taking you out on a date. Every Friday was date night, as often as your work allowed it to be, and last Friday was as perfect as all previous dates with you have been. With every day that has passed since, Spencer has scolded himself constantly for not going into the house with you when you invited him in for a drink. He heard his own voice say “There’s nowhere else in existence I would rather be than here with you, but let’s save this for tomorrow night, when we’re not officially required to go to work the following day?” He had planned to ask you to move in with him the next night, he had an extravagant list of events in place, and he wanted to confirm them all again on the Friday night, he couldnt risk you hearing him talking on the phone. If he hadnt been so wrapped up in that, perhaps he would have noticed something was off about your home. If he’d just gone into your house, he could have saved you...

This all crosses Spencer’s mind in a matter of seconds, and he doesnt give the monster time to interject before he continues. “You’re going to have to shoot me in the face before you walk out of here, so Im going to give you the exact instruction that gives you the highest chance of avoiding the most painful end to your life that you can possibly imagine.”

The scum stares at the young doctor, flickers of fear reflected in his soulless eyes. But the man he is staring at could not be less afraid of him; taking the love of his life had not broken him as the monster had hoped it would, instead he became a man stronger than he had ever known, with immeasurable anger directing his every move.

It is that exact fury that causes Spencer to rise to his feet, and slam his hands down on the table in the most seething display of protective rage.

“Give her back to me.”

[acanth3]

追憶＊マリオネットの糸の先 / Reminiscence＊End of the Marionette's Strings

EPISODE 9

Shu: …..

Mm…I don't know, what is this shaking…an earthquake?

Kuro: Ah, did you wake up Shu? 

Shu: Gyou!? Ryu, Ryu~ku…Kiryu!

What, what kind of situation am I in? Explain right now! Why are you carrying me like a princess!?

Kuro: Nah, this is just the easiest way to carry you. You were taller than me as a kid and it was hard to hold you…

Now, your shorter than me ♪

Shu: Well, compared to you the rest of humanity is also minimal/tiny! Hey, let me down! It’s so embarrassing, we’re both not children anymore!

Kuro: That’s right, I thought you wouldn’t mind it. 

Because I saw you stumble in the hallway, no way can you just pass it off…I’ll carry you right to the infirmary. So, shut up.

Shu: Gh, gu? You thought I fell down?

Kuro: You don;t look too good, 

your body hasn’t been strong for a while now. Be careful, are you eating proper meals?

Even as a kid, there was low blood sugar and collapsing~ ♪

Shu: Ah, I’m sorry I just stay up all night. And I don’t enjoy eating very much, it’s painful to have foreign things into my body. 

Kuro: You're still very picky, aren’t you? That’s why my mum would get mad at me. 

Shu: …..

Kuro: …I know many things about the new Valkyrie, finally at the top of Yumenosaki.

But, trying to stay on a throne, you’re doing the best you can right? 

There’s no point in falling down a path like that if no one’s happy.

Shu: Stop trying to be bossy and preaching out to me. Your mother, who wont be present even at the end of your life…so with that mouth why do you choose to care about other people’s physician conditions/abilities?

Don’t pretend to be kind to me, you villain!

Kuro: I don’t have anything left to say, just don’t exhaust yourself again. You’ll faint. 

Because people who lose their conscience often are twice as heavy as normal people. Wake up properly and don’t cause so much trouble. 

Shu: I don’t remember asking. Kiryu?

Kuro: I know, that’s why I told you I’ll mind my own business. 

Shu: Hmph! And please correct yourself a little. I didn’t fall down.

I still have Valkyrie, the best, high quality unit which cannot be compared to the vulgarity of the other units. 

Just because of some system created for lives and festivals turning this into a game…

We don’t have live showdowns at all, we just can’t get results that quick.

While in the meantime, other people are displaying barbaric behaviours…

If there is a higher rank than us, know it’s because of ridiculous rules created to play this game.

We have not lost even once. We ‘Valkyrie’ are the best idol group, yes?

Only loser’s find such things regrettable.

Kuro: That’s right I guess. You’ve chosen the war route, I’ve changed the rules of this game myself from those smart guys. 

In that world, you’re officially no longer at the top of Yumenosaki. 

It’s no use complaining. Like in a soccer game, no matter how many home runs your able to hit, you won’t get a score. 

Shu: Damn!...I’m frustrated, these snobs who can’t understand art!

We’re showing the best stage, why aren’t we being appreciated? Not even awarded?

It’s wrong! All of this! Who made Yumenosaki like this!?

Kuro: I can’t tell you that…

I’m chewing more than I can take, it can’t be helped even if I complain now. I’ve been completely trapped in mold. 

Before it happened, the path those malicious people took was horrible. We lost because we couldn’t see through the conspiracy. Even if I regret it, it’s too late.

I’m sorry Shu. That I can’t do anything. A long time ago, I even swore to absolutely protect you. 

My mother is going to be angry with me.

Shu: It’s just a promise from childhood, Kiryu. You don’t have to worry so much about it. You still carry me and move around with me like this, and even talk to me…

It’s you that can’t be saved, right?

I’m not a child crying over the tyranny of bullies anymore. 

You can take care of me like you say over and over again, but please let me down. 

I don't want to be spoiled by you anymore, I want to get stronger too…

Kuro: I see, oh you’re still weak, just stubborn now huh.

Shu: Even if you give a crying child what they want, the bullying will still happen to the happy child. (?)

That’s fine by me. If the rules have changed, let’s just accept it. 

Let’s stand in the same ring and fight fairly. We’re supreme beings no matter what the world see’s.

To DreamFes…let’s have a live showdown.

So I’ll give the snobs at that blood festival what they want, and their corpses will be drowned within the mud. I’ll make them regret touching my wrath. 

Kuro: But isn’t it graded according to people's expectation/preference?

Shu: Just what are you talking about, Kiryu?

Kuro: No, well, this time…human’s and high schoolers…don’t think about bad thing’s…

There’s..nothing, it's just my worries.

But be careful Icchan, I can’t help you up on stage.

Shu: Thank you for your help, actually.

Those who are excellent will be given an award corresponding to their efforts.

If not, the world is between us all. 

so cute!

[oshidorifuufu]

hi hi hi i’m really sorry for answering this late, i was sleeping. please don’t worry if i sound serious… it’s merely the way i talk.

i’m not sure how to explain why i admire you. i already attempted to do so in the first message i sent, but i think there is something about you that just makes me go quiet and observe with interest. i admire how you still hold on, i think. you’re very strong, i’d already give up if i were subjected to the pain you’re most likely feeling.

about my name…uh

i chose to call myself okochama to get used to the name (as i’m planning to use it if i ever get around to becoming a vocaloid producer or otherwise a content creator). its direct translation would be childish or immature, i believe. it’s a trait i’ve been scolded for by nearly all of my friends, one i’ve been trying to erase from all aspects of my behavior. i try to please people, i really do, but i’ve never been able to stop acting the way it is natural to me. humming and jumping and repeating certain phrases, laughing at or finding wonder in things i shouldn’t. i do not want to traumadump, or experiencedump if you wish (as i believe i do not have trauma from these people), but you get my point. my apparent childishness is my most distinctive, albeit negative trait, and i chose to somehow “reclaim” it and call myself immature, in a way.

i yapped, forgive me.

i only log in to discord a few times a month, so after a very long pause, i decided to check on the server. to my surprise, it grew significantly since i joined. i opened a channel and spotted a very familiar name with a very familiar account theme. it didn’t take long for me to realize you and that luka are the same person, i don’t think i’ve seen another jirai named luka so far.

i highly believe you aren’t even aware of my account, as i usually just lurk or am not present at all. but i think i managed to say hi a few times.

as you can already guess, many word typer okochama

thank you for answering my questions okochama!!! sorry i was wrong i just cant read tone

thank you, for all its worth i do think i’m somewhat mentally strong, i mean a lot has happened and does happen to me but im still alive so…

i feel so happy to be admired, ive never felt that before, or someone caring for me just by me existing..?

thats interesting!!! i wanted to try out vocaloid production for a while too. i actually did buy a voicebank some years ago, it was otomachi una. i havent made anything except for some covers though because i dont know how to make music

also, im not trying to push anything and obv i dont have enough info but have you looked into autism…? repeating phrases especially sounds like an autistic trait but obv i cant diagnose you

i hope they havent got to you too much, and also its totally fine to ‘experiencedump’ here, i’ll try to help you if i can, if you care about my wellbeing i care about yours too

thats so crazy by the way!! yes its the same luka ~ i have actually met another jirai luka but it was luca lol. im not aware of your account and i wont try and search for it but if you ever want to reveal it or dm me you’re totally fine too

thanks again okochama~ >_<

[takenbypeter]

A Promise That I’ll Keep

Peter Parker x reader

Words: 695

Based on number 12: “I like your stupid face.” Also note, reader doesn’t know Peter is Spider-Man.

feel free to request

You slouched into your chair, listening to a show you’ve watched a million times play in the background while your finger scrolled through your phone. “Another boring day, another boring life,” is what you breathed out in a sigh, both tired from work and life itself. That type of thinking was easily interrupted by a knock coming from your door and with that familiar knock crept a smile on your face, “maybe its not so boring after all,” you whispered before yelling out, “it’s open!”

You knew it was peter, he was the only one who would be coming around at this time. Peter and you knew each other from school but didn’t talk to each other until college which is when you really connected then you started dating soon after. You loved peter, but sometimes he did things that really didn’t make sense to you, regardless he was still a good boyfriend you’ll never rob him of that title.

With a creak open followed by a close you heard his feet shuffling on the ground, which was weird. “Peter, you okay?” You asked, finally turning around and that’s when you saw him.

Peter was walking with a limp in his step and bruises all over his face. You were used to a little bruise here and there, him always brushing it off telling you he was clumsy and something just happened but this? This was excessive, you’ve never seen any thing like this before.

Although clearly in pain, he shot you an exhausted smile and at the sight you immediately threw your phone beside coming to his side to try to help him in some way, “Peter, did you get beat up by a gang, what the hell!?”

He shook his head as you placed his arm over you, giving him somewhere to rest his body a little while you two made your way to the bathroom, where you knew you had some form of first aid.

You rummage through your cabinets eventually finding the kit. Little by little you clean up his face, first the cuts, then the bruises, you honestly don’t know what to make of the scene and you’re a little scared to bring it up.

You thought you were keeping your concerns under wraps but apparently not as well as you thought when Peter’s words interrupted your thoughts, “if you keep biting on your lips we’re going to have to use the first aid on you.”

You tried to grin, not even realizing you were doing that but you kept quiet and Peter sighed.

“You’re not going to ask me about it?”

You frowned, you knew there was something going on with him and you did feel like you had a right to know, but you couldn’t bring yourself to ask.

What if it was worse that you knew? What if you knew thinking ruins the relationship you have now?

Instead of answering his question, your hands reach up to cup his face. Your fingers graze over his jaw, gently avoiding the painful looking areas.

“I do want to know, I mean you’ve got a new bruise almost every other week. I’m worried…”

Peter looks up at you from behind your hands, “but I wont ask, because I know you would tell me if it was important. Right? Especially if you were in danger. Right?”

His eyes shift towards the ground, but still he nods his head a little in your hands. You nod back before releasing him and putting away the aid kit.

“And I know you’re clumsy but please be careful, I happen to like your stupid face. So just…be careful.”

Again he nods although your back is turned towards him.

Truth is, Peter did want to tell you, it was eating him alive not telling you but he couldn’t shake the feeling of losing you. He knew if he was going to tell you that things would change. He wasn’t sure if he was ready for that yet. But then and there, with the worry present on your face, he told himself that he was going to tell you sooner than later and that was a promise.

~

Dialogue Prompts

[maryhadalittlehobby]

"I want you more than anything in the world"- IWTV S2E4 liveblog

Claudias debut at the theatre!I was enthralled with this performance. Especially with the animation aspect but Louis was right though. Its weird! lol

Armand looking to him for his approval and that fake ass smile from Louis lol

Ugh the end of the play though and the ghost. More foreshadowing!

Not Claudia being over the performance so soon. What is 2 years to a vampire? But to be fair she was over it from the start.

Was it sabotage in Claudias part or is that Armand's ego (and the covens) talking? Santiago and co were saying how they hated it too

I lowkey loved her "no pain" rags costume. Is that weird?

Peep that worried look of Louis's when Claudia expresses her discontent to Armand. Did he think she was over it now that she had the coven? Or is he remembering Armand's words to him in the tunnel last ep that she wont survive BECAUSE of the reasons she gave?(Im a fierce vampire stuck

Sam the suck up lol

"I keep my business tight" yes you do sir!...if you say so. I guess he has a handle on outbursts in cafes two years on

Discontent brewing in the theatre.

Louis getting a hold on on the fire gift. Has it come naturally over time or has armand taught him?

Dreamstat is officially my favorite version of Lestat!

"Do you notice how hot the room gets when you two talk about the secret?" Hot how lestat do tell!

I love you-mokingly. LOuis!? you are crazy who are you even mocking. Yourself or Armand?!

Are you schizophrenic Louis. Oh was i hoping for the Lestat reveal with that look off to the side in present day lol.

Daniel Malloy with the S1 callbacks

Armand look when Louis describes being able to feel Lestats presence! Anger? annoyance?Jealousy? Was Armand unwittingly the cause of it? He says he wasn't aware Lestat was SO present so all those feelings make sense. And Louis has apparently gotten better at blocking his thoughts if Armand wasn't aware

Daniel revealed his hand a bit but thankfully he had a plausible backup reason as to why he knows about the fire. Giving very much i can throw YALL off your game too

The wet room scene between Claudia and Santiago further bolsters my theory that Santiago is being genuine with her but also fishing for info to use against her and Louis.

Never meet your heroes amirite. The switch between Claudia being wide eyed in her first interactions with Santiago to now the annoyed glare of "why are you lurking?"

The dinner scene. I love how theyve all comeout like dysfunctional family. Except for Gutsve apparently who is doing a Baron Afanas

BUFFOON! WE got the scene. I am so happy.!

Rip 👏🏾that 👏🏾tongue👏🏾 out Sorry Santibaby!

This photography dealer seen reminds me of the passage in the book where the painter paints Louis just a little too well and he kills him. This guy got off easy with a "Fuck You!"

I love how unimpressed Madeline is. "When you died that was good" lol

uh oh Claudia skirting her responsibilites. This will end well

Dreamstat being Louis imagininary confidant/friend instead of threatening. How the turn tables have turned.

Love how he is parroting and defending his man lol. Eating the bad ones.

Romeo!!

While I don't see Claudine as romantic at least not yet I do love that Madeline is acknowledging feeling and treating her like the adult that she is. It's talking to her about sex and Death and hard yruth things nobody broaches with Claudia. Go bang!Then fine again!

Assads "who am i" speech. Beautiful and capitvating. Assad is a standout this season.

Armand did nothing wrong on chastising Claudia. Maybe not the hand on the throat but he was right to put her in her place.

Then grabbing up Santiago. Girl! He has never been more attractive.

Know you role Thesp. Not gonna lie, that reminded me of the Rock

Lestat as Louis staring at Louis like are we buying this? Another sad origin story? I feel like Louis is more descerning now. Taking it with a grain of salt. Its very much reminesent of Claudia's look to Louis as Lestat told his story.

Not louis as Lestat calling Claudia a bad decision.

Again I think Claudia is wrong in this situation. Armand did not outright threaten her. She took it as a threat. All he said was basically I know what you did last summer.

She goes off on Louis but Louis tried to tell her. She wouldn't hear It. Louis is right for choosing his peace, she chose hers. You can't have your cake and eat it too.

The wilderness that is our daughter. I love that line.

His favorite suit.

Sam has really milked every bit of emotion out of few scenes. This was sad, not gonna lie. I teared up.

Bye Dreamstat! I was just warming up to You.

Can Santiago know somethings contents through touch?!

Full out mutiny vibes!

Yes Maitre!?! Omg tew much!. I have never been into sub/dom dynamics but omg that was so hot

Confidence looks so good on Louis. I love this for him again.

And he has a hold on the fire gift!!

Santiago Maitre too?! Too many Maitres sitting in a tree.

Ok maybe Armand could not have prevented it with the actual mutiny in play. We shall see

We cant have Louis being embarrassed in front of Daniel! He has an interview he's trying to win which is both possible and normal to want!

I love that they are actually screaming nonsense behind the wall lol

I actually screamed when they cut off Armand in the middle of his sentence.THATS IT!? Next week can't come fast enough!

[slashingdisneypasta]

Jim Bickerman x Reader || Oneshot

Little christmas present to myself, don't mind me.

Plot: Set during Lake Placid Vs Anaconda | You get a good chunk of your leg bitten off by a crocodile and Murdoch wants to leave you behind, but Jim wont let her.

Warnings: Crocodile attack/gore related to that

You didn't even see it coming. You heard that something was nearby, and Beach saying to raise your weapons while Murdoch demanded you all to be cautious, in case its one of her beloved snakes- but it came from behind and you didn't have time to even turn around before the crocodiles was right behind you.

Beach did- he lunged and tried to yank you out of the way- and that kept the monster from biting off your whole lower half but it still managed to catch one of your legs. Its jaw clamped around your leg, huge teeth digging into your knee and tearing skin while you let out a terrible scream. Your gun flies out of your hand when you fall and crash in the dirt.

You try to get away anyway from it, forcing yourself to tug at your leg, but that of course only makes it worse. The pain is immeasurable, and you think you're going to pass out and die- get swallowed up by one of these fucking crocs even after everything the last time you were here.

It feels like forever that the crocodile rips at your limb but must have really been only a few moments, before bullets rain down on the beast and it finally stops. As you're breathing heavily, watching in absolute terror, as it slowly stops moving and both Beach and another of Murdoch's remaining guards rush over to pull its mouth open- to release your shredded leg.

"Oh god... " You whisper, before biting down on your bottom lip as you look at it; Fighting off another scream. No... No no no-

"Get out the medical kit!" You hear Beach bark behind you, once they'd managed to drag the crocodiles corpse out of the way and gently lay your leg down on the grass. The sounds of the other guard cursing and Murdoch yelling about something also fill your ears but you choose to focus on Jim, kneeling beside you looking alarmed and not-at-all confident about your leg.

He helps you to sit up, hauling you up with his good hand before holding you up with his bad. You dig one hand into the mud behind you to help keep yourself up, eyes filled with tears looking at your poor leg. "Okay- alright, sweetheart, we're gonna, uh... wrap that up, for ya. And we'll getcha to a hospital, and they'll fix it up. It'll be fine." Your free hand finds his and he lets you squeeze it as hard you like- no complaint. "Just don't, uh... don't go moving it... "

"I- I don't think I could if I wanted to." You force out, watching Beach fall to his knees with bandages and a sturdy-looking stick he found, by the destroyed appendage.

Jim looks awkward, and worried; Eyes flickering from your face to your leg. "Oh, well, good. Look, ah- worst comes to worst- you just get one a these old things, eh?" With his hook, he reaches back and pats his own prosthetic leg, a wonky grin on his face that you hold onto. "No big deal, hey? Yeah, its gon' be alright... yeahh, just fine... "

"Hey!" Murdoch snaps, then, standing above you all with a disgusted scowl on her face. "What are we doing?? We need to move on! My snakes- "

You watch Jim roll his eyes heavily, then, trying not to snap at her- and failing miserably watching you back- your eyes are getting heavy and your grip on his hand looser. "Oh, shut up about your goddamn snakes, bitch. With any luck, the crocs already made a meal outta them."

Murdoch's eyes flash at the back of his head. "... No. No, I cant believe that. And it would do you good to keep your thoughts to yourself Bickerman."

"... considering you already paid me, I don't see why... " He mutters sarcastically, an underlying trace of malice in tone; Face dark as he stays focused on you. His good eye flickers over your body still- making sure that you're breathing, checking how much blood you're losing, how Beach is going wrapping you up, and then tightening his grip on you when he sees how badly its going... You just take deep breaths, letting your eyes fall shut so you don't have to look at your leg anymore, and... because you're suddenly also really... really tired... "Hey, hey- no, no sleepin', ey princess? Stay awake... "

"Mm... don't think I... can... " God, you're passing out. All that blood loss stealing all of your strength away, making your eyelids so so heavy... you don't think it would be possible to lift them open again. You rest your upper body against Jim and take a deep, shuddering breath. "I... don't think I can... Jim... "

"Yeah, hey Bickerman I don't recommend she take a nap right now." You hear Beach call, still wrapping all the gauze they have around your leg and the stick

"Yeah, I got that, thanks so fucking much." Jim growls, and you feel it more then you hear it. Actually his voice is starting to sound like he's underwater. Or you're underwater. Where are you again?... Something cold and metallic presses against the delicate skin beneath your chin and pushes your face upwards. You feel panicked, heavy breathing on your face. "Uh uh... no... damnit Y/N!... Open up your eyes again- ... now!"

Jim's words cut in and out, sleep overwhelming you- and then, it all goes black.

~

"... she's asleep." Murdoch informs, leaning over your body and peering at you like some stinky road kill they just dragged off the highway, before giving a sigh and straightening up. "Its better that way. Come on- "

Shaking his head carefully, Jim lets your head fall against his shoulder, removing his prosthetic from your face. "We aint going anywhere, 'ma'am'... " The tone in his voice is dark, and angry, and it makes the business woman stop. She looks to Beach with a glare, waiting for him to do something about this.

But he doesn't.

"Look- she's asleep now. She wont feel any pain when she dies." She says it as if its a certainty, and Jim sets his jaw hard, the only thing keeping him from threatening this bitch with a gun being his unwillingness to lay you down in the dirt. "We don't have time to sit by and hold her hand through it, that's suicide. So lean her up against a tree somewhere and lets go!"

At this Jim doesn't even respond, unable to form words to accurately describe how much he is not leaving you here. He just glances at Beach, who's just finishing your leg up, having used up all the bandages they had for emergencies in order to curb the bleeding, and knotting it tightly. Without looking up, he shakes his head sternly. "The others were dead Murdoch, we had to leave them. I get that... but L/N's still breathing. We cant just leave her defenceless."

"Then leave her a gun! If she miraculously comes to- she'll have it to protect herself with."

Beach just glares, his mind fully set on this matter- he might have to work for her but he doesn't have to become someone else to do it. Then he gets up, walks around your body and gestures like he's going to pick you up- asking Jim, silently with his eyes, if that would be alright.

Poking his tongue into his cheek, Jim gives Beach a careful glare. "... son if anything happens to her, I'll be happy to shoot ya dead before y'can say 'oops'... " Slowly, he nods though and helps to stabilize you in the other mans arms.

Beach slowly stands up, getting used to your weight, while Murdoch watches- dumbfounded and pissed at the blatant insubordination happening in front of her.

"... She'll slow us down." She snaps, as if they don't know that.

This time, Jim has his hands free and scrambles to his feet- grabbing his rifle on the way and pointing it at her without blinking an eye. For a moment he doesn't say a damn thing, just carefully watches the cocky look that was on her face initially, give way to a lick of fear when he turns the safety off in her face. "... I'm not gonna say it again- Y/N's comin' with us whether you like or not, snake lady. So if I were you I'd get with the goddamn program, eh?"

No one has ever accused Jim of being a good man, but he's about to pop a bullet in this bitches face and he's not even going to blink about it. "... Don't you talk about her like that,"

But she doesn't let up, even then. "Surely, dragging your dying whore through the woods is just going to hurt everyone else in the end, huh?"

"Murdoch," Beach pipes up, stealing both their attentions. "Its 2 against one- I'm sorry, but we're bringing her along."

"I'm the boss here!- " Murdoch exclaims, disbelief in her tone at everything that is happening right now. All for some- some- invalid?? She didn't even want this chick on this expedition, she wanted Jim but apparently they're a 'package deal' as you had told her when she tried to make off with him- ugh.

Rolling his eyes, losing some of his steam from a moment ago, Jim gives a great sigh. "You're about to be the boss a the underworld if you keep talkin', woman."

Finally Murdoch stops arguing, glaring between the two men and at your pale body propped up in Beach's straining arms- your head drooping backwards into empty air in a way that's definitely going to ache when you wake up again. Its useless, she thinks, eye twitching. They're idiots, and the mission is going to fail because of it.

But, it seems there's nothing she can do about it. "Fine- lets try and find my snakes quick. And you better hope they're alive, Bickerman. Because if they're not- " Murdoch flashes an ugly glare the old mans way. One he doesn't much care about, lowering his gun back to his side and shaking his head. "You'll be paying for it."

"Oooh, shaking in my boots...," He growls back, rolling his eyes. As long as you're alright, he could not care less what Murdoch could do to him. He's gotten out of worse scrapes.

As the group trudges on, Jim's eyes glide back over to you, still unconscious in the Terminators arms up ahead, and gives a frustrated huff; Hurrying to catch up with them with his own bad leg slowing him down. "Watch her head, wouldja?? C'mon, now- "

~

When you woke up, you were alone, on a beach, with a gun in your hand. It was terrifying, waking up at Blackwater, way too close to the lake for your tastes, with one gored leg. You didn't know where everyone went, or how much time had past by since you passed out, or anything. All you did know was that you had to move.

It was difficult, but you managed to force yourself up against the tree you were propped against. All you were thinking was how you cannot die in this hell. And where did everyone go?? Where's Jim??

So, taking a deep breath, you tucked the gun into the back of your jeans and walked.

The bad news- the bones in your leg were most definitely broken, and the skin was torn to shreds, and it hurt like hell to put any kind of weight on the limb, but the good news?? It worked. Feeling it meant it was still there, you supposed, and at least you had it. With just a stump, you aren't sure what you would have done.

You managed to walk 10 minutes into the tree line, searching for any signs of... anything. Crocs being the worst case scenario, the fence being the best. Nothing turned up- but you began to hear something.

Is that... laughing?? What in the name of hell is going on-

OH Jim. Its Jim. You only know one person crazy enough to sound like that and you would bet good money that it was him. "Oh- damnit!" You try to move a little quicker, to find him, but your leg screams at you for it and you have to pause and take some deep breaths to curb the pain. "Okay... okay... I'm sorry... we'll go slow... "Sucking in a final deep breath, you start up again, moving very, very cautiously, with your arms held out at your sides for balance; Taking only tiny little steps in hopefully the right direction. "Hooohhhhkay... "

The laugh turns into more a drunk chuckle after a few moments, but you know you're closer because you can hear it much more clearly now and, yes, its definitely Jim. You would know his voice anywhere.

"... Jim??" You call out, taking a chance that if there were crocodiles nearby- they would have come at the sound of laughing earlier.

"... I must be goin' crazy... " You hear him sigh, then chuckle again- and you roll your eyes.

But you're also pleased- because if this is a trick created by your own head and blood loss, then its a really really good one. And you're not that creative. "Nope- you went crazy a long time ago! Now- ah, fuck. Now you're just going dumb- where are you??"

There's a pause as you struggle through the trees, towards another beach. You can practically see Jim's face in your mind, trying to decide whether he's hearing things or what. You give a heavy sigh. "Do I have to insult you again old man or are you gonna help me out here?"

Finally you see him, laying on the beach covered in blood not 10 feet away. Your heart drops, because this is the second time you've seen him like this and you're honestly so sick of it.

When you get to him, you ease yourself down to the sand and wince when your leg stings at having to bend. When you're forced to drop the last foot down because your leg just wont bend anymore, you let out an 'ooft!' and an 'ow'. "You're alive, then... happy to see it, dumplin'... Now- now whatcha gonna do, huh? Heheh, you gonna- heh- gonna tear off bits a your clothes to set my wounds with? Cuz I- I got a lotta wounds... and I could get behind that."

"I'm sure you could," You humour him, shaking your head. Then you just sit and assess him for a moment, eyes gliding up and down his body- and sigh. Why. "... We can never come back to this fucking lake."

"Oh," Jim chuckles, shaking his head. "I'm with ya there, sweetheart."

"Good." You nod, resting your chin in your hand and your elbow in your non-injured leg, and leaning over his head to give him a soft little grin.

"Unless they offer me a lotta cash, and I mean buckets and buckets of- " The grin slips right off your face, and he starts to laugh again.

"No- "

"Ah ah ah," He suddenly leans up off the sandy dirt, managing hook his good hand around your neck and pull you down into a salty-tasting kiss. You let your eyelids fall closed, an absolute sucker for his kisses; And for a good long moment, it feels like neither of you are potentially bleeding out. When he pulls back again, theirs a wicked grin on his face that's oddly comforting, to you. "... I was just kiddin'."

... Sighing, you roll your eyes with a bemused grin, and straighten up again while he lays there and laughs - like the insane old man he is, - taking the moment to yourself to just wonder how you're going to make it out of here. Its going to be tough.

... at least he's alive, though.

[formula-fun]

“Not a happy story”?????????

I was already really worried the last time you said the last chapter was going to be so full of angst. Now I’m just really really worried at the possible sequel.

Forgot to say hi first lol. Hi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Though I suppose overall for me who is a “life sucks so much already I’m not reading angst in my spare time”, rreereading your story so many times has sort of trained(?) me for it, because I kind of know that sitting through the pain only gave me such sweet intimacy later.

Or maybe we just have different understanding of angst? Because for me once they have established the foundation of trust that “no matter what happens we are going to be here for each other, for the championships, the pregnancies, the parenting, the long-distance relationship and the so sweet life together” , then is just growing into themselves, growing up, and growing stronger. Not to mention even if said foundation was not acknowledged out loud (yet?) they are still actually actively trying to baby trap each other hahahaha.

So I was just sort of doing rereads and calmly waiting for the next chapters, now you say the sequel(if it happens) is going to be not happy?????? They have a baby! That’s grounds for a happy story(in fiction) right???? Right??

Haha in truth I’m just ready for anything you decide really.

Hopefully your projects are coming along better, I studied finance and maths which were in no way as stressful as architecture, and I still jumped between “if they want my (tuition) money they would let me graduate right?” “What was I thinking picking this subject my brain is not built for this” and “just let me die” most of the time. Of course you would pull through!!!!!!

Xxxxxxoooooooxxxxxxooooo

Hahha helloooo!! i love that my askbox is known to be a place to say hi now dkdfjdfkjdjk dear random person somewhere in the world we are at the same stoplight and i am waving at you from my car <3 This got super long so ill put a cut line

Hmm so I think maybe angst was the wrong word then! its not gonna be a happy story in the sense that the plot wont be 'max and charles live happily ever after with a baby', theres still going to be some shit going on. Ur 100% right that there's always sweetness scattered in within that, it's not just angst for the sake of angst, and they'll at least be able to outright support each other in the sequel without like jumping through hoops to quantify what they are to each other or whatever. So in that sense maybe what i mean is more that it won't be a fun fairytale epilogue kind of vibe, there will still be stuff they need to figure out?

also this is going to sound so pretentious im so sorry but the first two fics are heavily heavily written around the idea of gender. if you cut max and charles out of the entire rest of it it's just a story about two equals who love each other and are trying to find a common language to communicate that, but once you add in gender roles and expectations and judgement it all becomes this huge fucking mess even though the core of it is something so simple. the sequel is probably going to be kind of similar, but more along the lines of defining what a family is to them outside of their own expectations or trauma. so ya sorry to summarize theres room for intimacy and happiness and love and all that but there's also a heaviness if that makes sense. Kinda like what we have now

they also have just basic issues honestly. newborns cant really fly so max cant travel with charles for a lot of the beginning of the season. charles wants to be home as much as he can but he's kinda torn between his family and his job. they miss each other! the baby misses her mom!! kinda screws with everyones head a little, especially max who grew up without a mother! they try their best but its just hard sometimes my friend

and thank youuuuu honestly that's where i'm at with school rn!! we had 3 more hours of presentations yesterday (had to do the project over the weekend) and literally as soon as the last group was done we got assigned 3 versions of a 5 floor apartment building which we have to present tomorrow? this on top of the essay due today, the other one due thursday and the third one due next tuesday??? me and my friends just looked at each other in silence and apparently we were all fantasizing about dropping out djfkdfkjdfj they're trying to weed out our class rn though and im sorry but if admin want me gone theyre going to have to kill me

anyway thank you so much my dear!!! im sorry this is one big long ramble but hopefully it answered your questions!!

[leninova1997]

"Doom3guy/Doom marine now got his own name, backstory, relations and well deserved character depth." Will you keep his name a secret until you release the novel?

Can you talk a little bit about his personality?

It's okay if you prefer not to share due to spoilers, I'm just curious but I respect if you prefer to keep it a secret.

Hey, thank you so much for the questions! 😍😍😍

Well, yes, it is going to be a big-big secret. 😂😂😂 Not because the name is anything mindblowing, its more about teasing from my side. Im pretty sure though some people will be surprised by it (maybe just a little bit). And no, it has nothing to do with the OG canon names like Taggart and Blaskowitz. Its standalone in a special way

Oh boy, his personality. Where do i even start? 😁😂😂

I always described him as a cold, heavily determined and straightforward person. Mostly he only cares about accomplishing his task (when he is in the "zone"), anything else can wait and will wait. This never could be possible without hardening during actual conflicts. The years while being on the battlefield taught him a few very valuable lessons about warfare and himself too. This kind of control always elevates his distant and calculating side along with low emotions and high concentration. He wants to be as invulnerable as possible, no matter how much he has to shield his human side. But in such deadly conditions, who can blame him?

He is a badass, no doubt. Not many people even with his experience, expertise and self regulation or with much more would have been capable of carrying out such an act as he did. Im sure he was surprised to some extent when he returned back to Delta and had a moment of peace for himself while leaning next to the wall.

Then, theres his other side that is much more caring and kinder than anyone would expect. Most people wouldnt even guess this because his "naturally shown" behavior toward strangers is also very distant, argumentative, detached, restrained when it comes to communication and connections. But for special people, like his family, wife (yes, in my headcanon he is married) and daughter he is like a total opposite. He is not only always there to support but to become a reliable example of trust (and very often he is). He takes care of his family as seriously as possible (like how he does in the military) and doesnt mind if he has to sacrifice his own needs in the process. He believes its the responsibility of the head of the family and refuses to even question this line of logic (thanks to this, he sometimes becomes too overprotective).

He also likes to present his inner emotions to them in the most honest extension. Its very noticeable how much he smiles (which suits him very well) and laughs during these times. Or share his worries and pain with members who he expects some encouragement from. Or maybe, he just needs some comfort from his memories and/or the hypocrisy of society/the world. Its truly rare, however, such simple things will help him out tremendously.

He also has a huge heart and not afraid to aid those who deserve it. He cannot stand immorality and corruption: if something or somebody shatters his faith (like his belief in the corps), nothing will keep him around in his soul anymore and wont obey in the way he used to (doesnt care if this brings danger to his life).

This is still not the whole picture though, but i hope this essay/posting means enough aid to get to know him better in my writing. 😊

[cugzarui]

immortality

you are alone in the dark, not really remembering how you got there. its hard to remember anything through the pain. gas bubbles form under your skin and in the hard vacuum. the dry frost nipping at your eyes and tongue and nostrils. the sensory deprivation of a true void rings in your ears and flashes before your eyes. in time you adjust.

you get used to it. you dont know how long it takes; but as painful as it is it is also a constant, unchanging pain. a fixed stimulus. and after a while your brain determines it must not be worth paying attention to. you reflect on how lucky you are that "getting used to it" is not considered an ailment, or your supernatural healing wouldve kept you in eternal torment. you reflect again on how lucky you are, that excessive hallucinations do count as ailments, and so you are able to retain awareness of your circumstances rather than falling to inescapable madness. you do still indulge in delusions quite often - what else is there to do out here? - but it is not a compulsion.

one day while floating listlessly through the void, you are struck with a bit of fancy, and maim yourself. you pour out your blood and pull out your hair and tie them together into a ball - a planet. your planet. your new home. it will take forever to build, so it is quite fortunate that forever is exactly what you have.

you still cant tell how much time passes; but you can do the math. after a few months your planet weighs about as much as you do. after a decade or two it stands as tall as you do. a bit of a surprise comes in after what must have been only a few centuries at most. you feel the slightest brush of wind. your world doesnt have its own gravitational pull yet, but you reason that the molecules evaporating from it ever so slowly, will escape with too low of a velocity to travel far. they accumulate in the "vicinity" (by some loose definition of vicinity) of your world and create a barrier that slows down faster moving molecules as well. even the fast molecules coming off of your own body hit the planets surface and slow down. gradually, this all turns into a noticeable cloud of gas. one which even acts as an insulator (it does consist heavily of CO2), warming your world a little and speeding up the evaporation of more gas.

you build a house out of hair and blood-ice

after some millennia your world finally has a noticeable gravitational pull. it is just barely there. you have to set sensitive experiments to detect it (take a chunk of ice. place it above the ground. check back after a while and find that its on the ground), but a gravitational field is definitely present.

it takes about a million years before that gravitational field goes from "technically there" to "i need to actively consider this on a regular basis". it is still quite weak, but it fills you with confidence. truth be told you lost your first few attempts at making a world. that rope trick only works so well...you really need to stay vigilant or you'll drift away. but not anymore. well you still be vigilant, but now you only need to worry about accidentally jumping at escape velocity. you wont just casually drift away out of the blue. not with gravity. not anymore.

you notice various oddities about your world as well. its been getting warmer, and youve made various environments out of boredom, and now they seem to begin evolving without you. slow chemical reactions that are only appreciable on such large timescales. strange gasses and oils begin forming on your world. rocks as well. actual rocks. actual. rocks. not ice. not hair. not rock-hard viscera. rocks.

your world is a work of art. simply adding material is boring, so you shape it into beautiful things. stories written in weaves of hair and carving of solid blood. fountains and springs and pools and rivers of mysterious oil. and in special thermally insulative containers of your own making - bacteria. your microbiome is considered a part of you, and is maintained indefinitely while inside your body. once outside, the bacteria die to the cold and vacuum; but you can now breed them. selecting for those of lower maintenance that can survive in this harsh environment. then breeding those to have desirable traits. you were so delighted when you first developed a strain that could make light. you vaguely recall that oxygen is necessary for that kind of reaction and wonder where oxygen is coming from in this empty place. then you realize that you must have oxygen dissolved in your blood and some of it must be escaping without being used. whatever. whats important is that you can see. finally you can see. it may be faint - fainter than a candle or LED - but by god for the first time in a million years you can see. you want to turn your whole world into light, but you mustnt. every light uses energy, and you can only replenish that energy so fast. youll just be left with an empty world. be patient.

you waited a million years. you can wait more.

you slowly develop methods and technologies that wouldve been wholly impractical to anyone else. processes that take thousands of years to complete. but you develop industry and tech. gradually you become more advanced. you never crack the secret to your own immortality. you believe it is some inherent property of physics; like mass or electric charge.

you make a friend.

you somehow do it. after who knows how long, youve built a machine of such efficiency, a world of such efficiency, that you can continuously support another being; a being with a design so advanced it rivals that of a human. your world is a far cry from the mat of hair and blood it started as. you have streets paved in stone. a ground of something resembling earth. water. clean water. street lights. air (still not breathable). gravity. warmth. you have a bed and it is comfortable.

and now you have a friend.

your resources are still limited, so twice the manpower doesnt double your productivity, but perhaps because your friend is new and mortal they are able to see things that you cant. make advancements you never thought possible. in another million years, who knows what this world would look like...