#and i used to have people text me that they watched my stories religiously

[kath-artic]

i wouldve done numbers on storytime youtube

[emptyjunior]

It looks like with the movies taking off, everyone is on the Dune train now!! Which is very exciting, I’m glad a bunch of new people are discovering this media and reading the books, but can I recommend you the David Lynch, Dune (1984) movie.

First of all, if you are invested in the lore of the books and the deeper messaging of the story, you’re going to need to turn that part of your brain Off. If you love kick ass shit and are willing to be slightly tipsy while you watch and have a great goddamn afternoon, this is the flick for you.

Now first fun fact I’m going to share with you. David Lynch (twin peaks, eraserhead director, celebrated surrealist) turned down the opportunity to direct Return of the Jedi for this film. A film that was devastatingly slow to make, changed hands multiple times, had a pricy VFX budget of $40 million and then made barely $31 million, David Lynch turned down Star Wars to work on it. And he did this when he had never read the novel, and did not even like or engage with sci fi media. THAT’S how you know we’re really in for something.

Now this film has some big names in it! We’ve got a young Kyle MacLachlan who is rocking some Devastating outfits:

We’ve got Sir Patrick Stewert as our Gurney and Sting, lead singer of the police, playing the 15 year old Feyd Rautha! If you wanted to see a grown man, sprayed orange, basically naked playing a free wheeling maniac you are in for a treat! And another fun fact, David Lynch also did not know who these actors were, he made a mistake and thought Patrick Stewert was someone else and when Sting said he was in the police he assumed he was in an organization of lawmen.

Now these characters are familiar to you, but let me get into the unfamiliar. Lynch made some directorial executive decisions throughout this film, for I suppose the ease of the viewer? I mean an adaptation is supposed to adapt so he went let me change some stuff up👏👏👏.

Those who paid attention to Jessica’s backstory may know about the Weirding Way. This is a martial arts style created by the Bene Gesserit, and practiced by Paul. It is more than just a fighting style but also an important philosophical concept, like Aikido or how Kung Fu has foundations in Buddhism.

You may also be familiar with the quote “My name is a killing word.” This inner monologue of Paul’s refers to how his title Muad’dub will be used to spur a holy war. A simple name is what people will die and bleed for, it will be what they scream as they cut down enemies.

Dark! Intense! That’s Dune, anyways in the novel it’s easy to take your time exploring these concepts. Introducing the audience to the religious ramifications of a simple name and fighting practice and how these things can have rippling repercussions upon a society like the Freman.

Now David Lynch didn’t have time for that! He had the belief (that may be right🤷‍♂️!) That watching a bunch of people kick each other on top of a sand dune would be Lame😭😭

So he made the choice for his film that “My name is a killing word” was to be taken Absolutely Literally and invented a device where if the freman said the name Muad-dib, shit would explode.

If they said Paul’s name, they could Explode Stuff. Let it sink in how rad that is. Hell yeah man, hell yeah. Imagine me interpreting religious text that way, imagine if I made a bible movie and the moral I took from a parable is that when Jesus asked for food and everyone donated fish, I concluded that Jesus was a mutant who had fish powers and could immediately conjure fish with magic and gave him fish death rays that shot out of his hands.

So that’s what you can expect from this interpretation, the weirding way now means everyone has Lasers its rad as hell.

Some other incredible choices made! This is a spoiler, but in the novels and the new films you can see the Freman collecting every scrap of water they can. Dr Liet-Kynes, the planetologist, reveals to us it’s because they have a long, multiple generation spanding plan to fix the planet. By introducing this water back they hope to reset the ecosystem over centuries of work. The reason they have been unable to do this is because a green planet would obviously not have worms and sand who produce spice, the most coveted drug in the empire, so imperial and harkonnen forces have been stopping this from ever happening. They want to be free from oppression so that they can start to work on slowly fixing their world, a project that plays out in Paul’s adult life and has its own dramas and complexities.

In Dune 1984??? The moment, the Moment Paul lays out his cousin and throws the final punch, it begins to rain in Arrakis. As if they were all under a magical curse and were just waiting for a teenager to come fight another teenager and then the water will come back. It’s so good, it’s so funny.

Also Pugs! House Atreides official Pugs! Paul has pugs in his lap!!

This is honestly an adaptation choice that I really really like! Paul is the result of centuries of selective breeding, this practice is an artform to the Bene Gesserit and a skill that they monitor closely. It produces bizarre and sometimes terrifying results and is the reason for Paul’s existence.

I think having an animal that was also created through selective breeding, was engineered from a wolf into an animal that can hardly breathe is an incredible metaphor! A smart and identifiable symbol for the audience, I think it’s a slam dunk and the new movies should have done it to.

Anyways can not recommend this film enough.

-The body suits the bad guys wear are made out of real body bags, that actually had been used.

-David Lynch to this day hates it.

-The original cut was four hours.

-The cast and crew were sick the Entire shoot with something they called Montezuma's Revenge, which was probably just food poisoning, side effects from the constant smog because they shot the whole thing on backup generators, illness from the cockroach infestation and terrible morale.

-Frank Herbert saw it multiple times and said he absolutely loved it.

-When they ride the worms, sick rock jams play.

If you love electric guitar, lasers, worms and will forgive me for not including all the trigger warnings cause Yes this film will gross you out, then go watch this movie.

[coriphallus]

DA: The Veilguard Spoiler review pt1 - Blood Magic

alright let's do this. let's write an in-depth review of veilguard. this will be long and this will be negative and i might eventually say some good things but everything i say will be undermined with a 'BUT'.

its now been around a week since i finished the game and had some time to parse my thoughts and this is why i didnt enjoy the game; NOT why you shouldnt.

so dragon age has a very special place in my heart and i am %100 the kind that has DAO as their favourite game. i have played these games religiously, and let me prefix this by saying i was not hyped for this game, i wont lie and say i wanted bw to succeed or i hoped the game would be good etc etc. if i liked the game, it would be a surprise. alas.

so theres multiple reasons for that, but the canary in the mine for me had been the announcement on blood magic, and yeah i was not shocked after DAI but i was still disappointed. so lets start with blood magic:

Blood Magic

DA lore has changed alot over time, and just like the media it took inspiration from (ASOIAF) i was under the impression that it used unreliable narrators deliberately, just as theyve poked fun at the concept with bethanys tits. it made sense then that the people telling these stories didnt know much about blood magic therefore they couldnt explain it fully but we've known some things for certain, from the text. blood magic uses blood as its source of power instead of lyrium (blood=life force), what constitutes as blood magic is open to interpretation (i.e phylacteries), multiple groups outside of the 'civilised society' such as chasind are not so staunchly against it, knowledge on it can be passed down from a mentor and that mentor usually happens to be a spirit. it can be used to enact control over people in a literal sense and thats considered by the narrative of all DA games to be more reprehensible than burning someone alive.

now i will derail this but i swear im going somewhere with it. i grew up in a country with majority white people, some blond, most with exposed hair who lived in big cities with cobblestone roads and snowy winters and starbuckses, and who would consider themselves westerners. some religious practices i know less about than most christians know about their holidays.

where my grandma lived was at the bottom of a high slope, and once a year when we went to visit her id see a thick trail of blood trickle down from the waterway to pool on her street, and at that dinner the family (and neighbours, sometimes) would bring a myriad of dishes and we'd feast. i would see butchers shops clean their curbs with buckets of water, mopping red tinted liquid down a drain. when i grew older and we were visiting my mothers village i watched the men subdue and kill a cow that we were going to eat that night. i watched them skin it and separate the meat from its bones, explaining what parts of an animal is used for which dishes because it was their craft and a young girl showed interest. as people we always live with the knowledge that our lives depend on death, whether it be a plant or an animal. existence is not moral and clean, and death is messy. getting blood stains out of a fabric once a month is the lived reality of more than half the human population.

i was not raised religious, nobody in my close family were, i didn't feel any sort of way when those men started to pray around the cow but i knew why they did it, even if it was performative for some, for the rest they had to show respect. the cow was meant to represent somebody you cared about, offering it in their stead symbolically. it needed to be respected, it needed to be butchered without pain. save from one serving of meat, as was tradition, were donated to the food banks.

now im sure some of you are thinking 'no matter how you slice it, its still a brutal act. made more brutal by the audience deriving some form of moral superiority' and yes, i used to think that too, because what is a religious practice for them is a show to me. but it is the norm where i grew up, and in the end a cow is dead regardless because we need to eat. and some people who needed to eat more than us got to eat too.

somewhere in germany news break out that some immigrants were practicing unethical and unsanitary butcherings, you see the footage of men in kufi and puffy pants and women covered completely in black sheets get ushered out by police. they shout some things in a foreign language, speaking the name of their foreign god. they show a censored room covered in blood and gore.

so i have to ask now, when you play veilguard and see venatori torturing and exploding a halla into a puff of red smoke which image does it bring to mind, what do you think of when you hear 'ritual sacrifice'? you may not have noticed this parallel but your brain sure did, as it has been noticing for your entire life and counting, the same reason you cringe at the barbarity of people consuming raw flesh, painting their foreheads with blood, killing animals you would pet. its alien, its gross, its wrong.

i cant play this game and take it seriously with its mask yanked off, gloating about its lack of nuance every step of the way. when you hit people red stuff comes out, red stuff bad. killing bad. murder bad. that it extends more sympathy to a fantasy deer than it ever allows for living breathing people of its universe, faceless and primitive.

in other DA games there were people over there somewhere who enslaved others, built their entire civilization on the ruins of gods they cannot comprehend, practiced bloody sacrifices and rituals that doomed the world for their own power, and even in their homeland they are nothing but canon fodder to be murdered and gawked at. their traditions, religion, entire culture is less than a set dressing, because whatever grosses you out are the bad apples, because the good ones cant be anything else and still derive sympathy from the audience.

and its true, you need to be an exceptional writer to make that work, especially if you dont have any real life experience to pull from. you need to stain your hands a little, and be prepared to be called dirty.

but i see it, i see those news reports everywhere i look in the game, i see the streets being cleaned and scrubbed so the tourists wouldnt call them backwards people, unclean, less than.

ive never played a game so repulsed by and is uninterested in its own universe than DAV, in every line of dialogue i can feel it trembling in fear. my companions tell me i dont need to watch a deer getting butchered, i can look away and proceed to electrocute hundreds of masked men some of whom are talking about comically evil things like patricide.

this has always been a point of contention in the medium of video games as the most prominent way to engage with the world has been through violence, and for me the DA franchise has always managed to tackle this by allowing its main character to be messy. yes, hawke cleaves thru countless faceless raiders but theyre also an illegal immigrant trying to get by with nothing to offer to the world than their violence. warden is deliberately recruited for that same violence, the only purpose of their existence is to fight as theyre made to shed everything else from their old life. and still, still you play these characters as they are allowed to grow, heal, carve out a little space for themselves where they can laugh and joke with their peers. it is juxtaposed to that darkness in their lives that makes those moments precious.

'what is good?' the games asked, and they answered 'doesn't matter, the world can be a better place with them in it'

veilguard asks 'what is good?' and answers 'you are.'

it doesnt matter whether blood magic is bad lore-wise (and that discussion is irrelevant to this decision made by the devs), because it needs to be narratively. like tabloid news the entire premise of the story is built on it. it needs to be inaccessible to and shunned by your party and rook because they need to be 'good' and in contrast, your enemies need to be 'bad'

and like dominoes it retroactively reframes the moral stance of every game in the franchise.

so, yes, i just laughed when i saw that announcement. i didnt know what else to do. but hang on to your knickers because it gets so much worse...

[mistydeyes]

eyes for the stars

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summary: The 141 boys can't help but feel slightly jealous about your celebrity crush. They can't help but wonder why you're so obsessed with them.

pairing: 141 x civvie! Reader

warnings: swearing, spoilers for Euphoria!

a/n: a little self indulgent because i too have all of these crushes (love my problematic ladies, sydney and phoebe <;3)

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price: pedro pascal

The minute you laid eyes on him you were hooked. From episode 1 of The Last of Us, Pedro became your very apparent celebrity crush. Who doesn’t love a strong parental figure who will do anything for his unconventional child?

Ever the observer, Price noticed how your Instagram stories were filled with reposts of Pedro at award shows, magazine covers, and even behind-the-shoot pictures. He even noticed the growing collection in your shared home of Mandalorian memorabilia. He couldn't help but feel hurt that his partner posted a celebrity more than him.

As Gaz looked over his shoulder he commented, "Looks like a more handsome version of you, Sir." "Get back to work, Sergeant" Price commanded, before shoving his phone back in his pocket. He couldn't believe that this was getting to him.

“You have a type, love,” Price said as you sat watching another episode of Narcos. It was your turn to pick a show to binge and of course, you picked this one. Price secretly wished you spent his leave watching anything else. You were glued to the screen as you sat in your boyfriend’s arms. “I do not,” you argued, “you and he are so different.” You rolled your eyes and he let out a small chuckle.

“He’s an older man who is surprisingly resourceful and doesn’t let many people in until he’s given someone to protect with his life,” he began and you realized the similarities, “Plus, look at him. I might start shaving my beard and only having a mustache for you.”

As the realization hit you, you couldn't help but feel a little embarrassed at his observations. You paused the episode and held his face gently. "I'd much rather have this mustached face here with me than him," you said and shared a loving kiss.

Price was later happy to say that your stories of the man were significantly less than before. Good thing he didn't see your phone wallpaper was of the very famous Pedro Pascal edit (yk the one).

soap: sydney sweeney

You both were unapologetic about your love for the problematic blonde on Euphoria. Although you couldn't condone her rumors about Glen Powell, you couldn't help but obsess over the gorgeous woman. A new Syd’s garage TikTok? Queue you running around your house to find your boyfriend. You both religiously watched her in episodes of The Handmaid’s Tale and White Lotus. Don’t even get me started on when she appeared on the red carpet, your texts were flooded with pictures and emojis.

There was always one rule between you and Soap: don't watch any Sydney Sweeney movies or shows without the other. He instituted that rule once the new Euphoria season was predicted to come out. As he left for another mission for the 141, he kissed you and said, "No Sydney without me, promise?" As you gave him your pinky, you wouldn't realize you would be breaking that rule later on that year.

To be fair, no one could have predicted that their mission would have taken until the end of November. Also, it was technically Soap's fault for not binging the show before he was deployed. However, since the call to duty was ever present, he didn't want to start a show without knowing he could finish it. You waited until August to finally start it. You had been dying since the season ended in February and had blocked all spoilers.

The minute the show started, you knew you couldn't stop. The plot line between Nate and Cassie was just TOO GOOD. Hours later, you had finished and were ashamed of yourself. You just had to know how the drama between Maddy and Cassie ended. Logging out of your account, you tried to hide all the evidence before your boyfriend inevitably came home.

It was December when Soap returned, excited to be home with you and even more excited to start Season 2 of Euphoria. As you made you both some popcorn, you heard an ear-piercing scream from the living room. You rushed over to see what happened but Soap stood there with a shocked face. "Bonnie, why does HBO say you finished all the episodes?" he accused and you knew you were done for. "I-" you started before he interrupted. "You betrayed me, worse than Graves," he said almost as if he was crying. As you looked at him sheepishly he said in a soft voice, "Please tell me that the rumors about Cassie and Nate aren't true."

gaz: henry cavill

Who could compete with Superman? Certainly not Gaz, in fact, he would get a little jealous when you mentioned your little crush. You loved Henry Cavill specifically the DC Comic version of him, not The Witcher. Gaz regretted ever letting Soap get you into the new films.

For the past year, your boyfriend would not hear the end of your pining for the dark-haired beauty. You were non-stop, always talking about his latest interviews and always having his films on repeat. Gaz even had to stop you from putting a framed picture of Henry on your fireplace mantle. You finally agreed that Henry belonged on screen, not in a frame along with your loved ones and your boyfriend.

Gaz miraculously was home for Halloween, a first! You had been invited to a party by your friends and decided on a Cat Woman costume. Oddly enough, when you asked Gaz what he was wearing, he said he already had it covered. This was his chance to show you who the real hero was. You tried to find out the best you could (even looking through his search history) but you could not find what it was.

"Babe, can you at least tell me you're on theme?" you asked over the phone, it was a few weeks before his return and you were anxious to know his secret costume. "Trust me, love, you'll be pleasantly surprised" he answered and you audibly groaned at his mysterious tone.

“Kyle, are you ready?” you called, dressed in your Cat Woman costume. You loved Lois Lane but something about the powerful energy Selena Kyle had plus her sexy attire made you pick this instead. As you adjusted your all-black outfit in the mirror, you heard your boyfriend descend the stairs. You turned around to see him dressed in Superman’s signature costume. The costume was of surprising quality, perfectly defining your boyfriend's physique and making his butt look great.

“I heard there’s someone who needs a superhero,” he triumphantly said as he struck a pose. You smiled widely and took many pictures. “You look amazing, babe! This is just like the movies,” you said excitedly as you kissed him on the cheek. “Bought it just for you” he winked, “Gotta let you know who the real hero is.” You laughed and punched his arm lightly. “Let’s go my Lois Lane,” he said and you grabbed his hand, getting ready to face the world with your hero.

ghost: phoebe bridgers

Now Ghost isn't like the rest of the 141 boys, he won't let his jealousy get the better of him. BUT COME ON, you were in love with Phoebe Bridgers, the haunting singer of Boygenius whose grey hair glistened in the moonlight. You owned every single record of hers and constantly pined over the TikTok videos of her on Taylor Swift's tour. You even bought you and Ghost her matching sweatpants with bones on the front and her name on the butt. He wouldn't admit it but he did love her style. Still, he couldn't help but feel a little twinge of jealousy whenever Kyoto came on the radio.

While on duty, Ghost could feel his phone ring. He answered immediately, knowing you only called for emergencies. He was greeted by you screaming. "BOYGENIUS IS COMING TO LONDON WE HAVE TO GO!!" you yelled excitedly. Ghost mentally slapped himself, he would have to remind you that this line was only for major injuries or death. "Love, Boygenius is not an emergency," he said sternly before you responded, "SIMON, PHOEBE FUCKING BRIDGERS WILL BE SHARING THE SAME AIR AS US," you yelled back. Ghost was glad no one was around because he would never hear the end of it. "Calm down, I'll see what I can do," he said before reiterating his love for you and hanging up.

When Ghost returned home, you were in a deep depression. You opened the door and looked sadder than he had ever seen you. "What's wrong?" he asked, closing the door behind him and taking you into his arms. You let out a few tears as you sat on the couch together. He noted you were all decked out in one of your many Phoebe hoodies and shorts. "I wasn't able to get tickets," you sniffled, "they sold out immediately." You knew it was stupid but your heart was crushed. You would never get to see her live.

"Well good thing I know a thing or two about computers," he said before pulling out his phone to show you a confirmation email. Your eyes widened when you saw he had secured VIP tickets to meet the band and watch from the pit. "Happy anniversary, my love," he said and you were speechless for a moment. "Simon, I think I could marry you," you whispered as you hugged him tightly. "Anything for you darling," he said and kissed you. As you excitedly confirmed all the details and peeked at the set list, Ghost felt the need to poke fun at you. "Do you love her because she has a thing for skeletons too?" That earned him a light slap to the chest.

The day of the concert, you could've fainted upon meeting the band. They were all so much cooler than you could have ever imagined. As you talked Julien's and Lucy's ears off, Phoebe walked up to Ghost. "Sick mask dude, gotta get me one of those," she said in her deep, chill voice. Moments later, Ghost almost had to subdue you as you tried to force the mask off his face to give it to her.

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[max--phillips]

Okay here goes

First, the spoiler free stuff:

Ridley Scott knows how to make a fucking film.

If I don’t see fics of Acacius x reader x Lucilla I will begin biting

If you are going in it for Pedro, I will warn you his character is very important but kind of… idk, shallow is too strong of a word, but not very fleshed out. I don’t think that’s an issue in the greater scheme of the movie though, it makes sense in the plot and doesn’t feel out of place or bad in the universe.

If you are going in it for Paul Mescal, you will not be disappointed.

Please watch the first movie first. The story will not make any fucking sense if you don’t.

Just the right amount of flashbacks and footage from the first movie . Chefs kiss

Ridley Scott really said “all emperors and tyrants are nasty little freaks with terrible vibes”

Oh also if you’re squeamish about gore and stuff like. It’s a movie about gladiators so set your expectations accordingly. There is an instance of a disembodied head used as a prop. So y’know

Okay, spoilery stuff below the cut

Arishat was hot :( rip

Monkeys at the beginning? Terrible. 0/10 did not enjoy that. Also did not enjoy seeing and hearing Mr. Mescal BITING ONE

I love Ravi I would watch a whole movie just about him tending to gladiators’ wounds quite frankly. Give me that story

We love to see bisexuality on screen (even though that wasn’t a social identity at the time but we’re not here to talk about that) what with the concubines and drunk as fuck Macrinus

Speaking of drunk as fuck Macrinus: that whole scene was so fucking funny. They’re like that meme about people getting high. You know the one

Speaking of Macrinus—Denzel Washington stole the show. When TIME magazine pushed a story to me today headlined “Gladiator II Belongs to Denzel Washington,” I was like, pshhhh, nah. But it really does. It’s not about him? But it’s his fucking show.

The politics . THE POLITICS

It feels a little heavy handed right now but that wasn’t probably how it was intended, given it was made before. Y’know. The election. But the whole dream of Rome being a place where everyone is equal and cared for but you can only whisper it or it’ll shatter? Yeah.

Oh, right, Acacius: that dude is so tired he does NOT want to be there. Let him go home to his hot wife. Alas, his hot wife is the way she is and like… no good deed goes unpunished.

And I fucking called it with my text post a few months ago. Two (2) movies now where Denzel Washington (either directly or indirectly) kills Pedro Pascal. Brilliant

Admittedly selfishly I would’ve liked to see more of him. But it felt like the correct thing in the context of the story. If he didn’t die then, if he wasn’t the inciting event for the uprising of the people of Rome, it wouldn’t have made sense and it would’ve just been fan service and “look, we got Pedro Pascal!” at that point.

I would’ve liked to see a more in-depth exploration of the change in relationship between Lucius and Lucilla—it seems like they went from Lucius screaming at her to get out to them hugging it out without any real development between the two of them specifically. Obviously a lot had happened in the world of the movie at that point but nonetheless

Macrinus shooting Lucilla was his Icarus moment. There was no coming back from that. “But what about Geta” “but what about Caracalla” no. It was Lucilla. If she’d gotten got by the praetorian guards or something else, it would’ve been fine. But because it was Macrinus there was nowhere he could go from there other than [checks notes] getting his hand chopped off and then gutted in a dirty irrigation ditch.

Remember kids, the people in power who are causing all of the things going wrong in the world have names and addresses and are mortal <3

Also another takeaway from the movie: imperialism, religious extremism, ableism, and authoritarianism will be the end of us all <3

Anyway. Good movie. Can’t wait to watch it again in my own home with subtitles so I can actually like… process everything everyone was saying LMAO and take better reaction notes.

I’m still sitting in the theater parking lot it’s been like 30 minutes LMAO okay thanks for coming to my tedtalk or whatever

[k-s-morgan]

Recently checked back up on ATLWETD to see if it had updated and followed the tumblr thread here. Imagine my surprise seeing all of the wonderful snippets and asks you answered. Tom using the mood stone? I almost forgot that was a thing. And finding out that Tom was just being a possesive/calculating bastard when he took Harrys food is embarassing to me since my guess was so far off. I thought that Tom inferred that Harry suspected him of poisoning/ truth seruming his food when he told Tom "Happy Poisoning".

Anyways, I decided it was finally my time to step up and praise you like the glorious writer you are. How on earth you could ever believe that your works arent as creative or as plot heavy as other tomarry works is beyond me. To me, your fics have lovely foreshadowing that makes me pay very close attention to anything that is mentioned offhandedly by a character because in your works everything means something. (Like seriously, one detail I missed in WHGTB on the first read was Harry reading the description of the book Tom was going to use to bond him and you stuffing permanent bonding inbetween fertility and necromancy. You had Harry misdirect us by having him muse about necromancy so we wouldn't notice. And you're right, I didn't)

And the humanity and characterization that you give to any character you write? Hell, i'd say you give them more layers than the origional authors. I always know that you won't make the characters make stupid and out of character actions just to advance the plot.

My experience with your writing started with WHGTB (my first convincing tomarry fic btw, you were the one who snagged me). After that, I trailed after your content like a lost puppy. I consumed your hannigram fics without having a spec of knowledge other than "haha cannibal eats the rude". I have now watched the telltale John Doe/Bruce Wayne playthroughs on youtube and rewatched the lego batman movie for the first time since i saw it in theaters when it came out. A Rule for a Rule is shaping up to be the best thing that happened to batjokes (outside of Half Way Across). I've even tenatively read through your Black Butler work, which I was hesitant to look at given the age gap and having never watched the anime. Should have never doubted that your approach to their relationship would make sense. You make an anime which could be categorized as ridiculous (I apologize, I have no nostalgic memories of this anime holding me back. I read your fic first, the anime can't compare) into something psychological and beautiful. Just so so real.

Anywho, there's my small (because I could genuinely write an analytical essay on your works and enjoy it) love letter to your writing.

Stay safe angel, it's unfortunate that I can't do anything to help you or your country. Even more disgusting that my country could help if they gave half a shit but won't. I would say I'm praying for you, but given that I'm not religious that goes nowhere. So, pathetically, my 11:11 wishes will be used for your continuted health.

Hope your writing continues to bring you joy <3

Hi! Thank you so much for such a lengthy, wonderful ask - I have a few more unanswered ones in my ask box, and I'm so delighted that my stories evoke so many thoughts and feelings in my readers!

Funnily, quite a few people thought that Tom sharing Harry's food and drinking from his cup is related to Harry's 'happy poisoning'! This never occured to me. I admit I love when such stuff happens because it proves how a text is its own thing, a living organism, something that the author and every reader can have vastly different interpretations of. In this case, yes, I intended for Tom to keep testing the intimate boundaries and to see how much Harry would allow, to gauge what exact type of relationship they used to share. Slowly turning him into a possessive, obsessed monster in love is such a delight.

I'm so gratified that you enjoy the foreshadowing I'm trying to build! I do love it, and I can tell that in ATLWETD, the seeds of the largest plot twists and the ending have already been planted. It's difficult to recognize them without knowing the rest, but if someone re-reads the whole story after it's done, these little hints should become obvious.

Also, it's so flattering that WHGTB became the first Tomarry story you really liked! Really, it's an honor, considering how big this part of fandom is and how many brilliant stories fill it. And knowing that you followed my fics across the fandoms despite not being a part of them - wow! I'm speechless! You honestly made me blush, I'm so happy to hear all this.

I appreciate every word you wrote - this means so much to me, I re-read your ask a couple of times because of how happy it made me. I hope you continue to enjoy my stories and discovering new great fandoms :D Thank you!

[macabremayhem]

Ahem. How can I start the conversation? OK, I'll try. How do you do, fellow humans?

Tonight I would like to talk about the setting of the Arcana game. Or, more specifically, its atmosphere, about background illustrations that people usually don't notice and/or don't usually talk about.

I love the Arcana background CGs so much. To be honest, those CGs are what got me into the game.

A little story: 4 or 5 years ago I saw an advertisement of the Arcana for the first time. And when I saw those ads on Instagram, it was so horrible and tasteless, imho. These cringe ads rather repelled me instead of attracting me. I saw it and forgot about it, but then…

Some time later, I started looking for background references for my text-based roleplay and found some beautiful illustrations. I didn't use these illustrations for my text roleplay. Besides, I soon forgot about my roleplay. :D and, in Google, I looked at the descriptions under the illustrations I found: "the Arcana game". I was intrigued. Then I downloaded the game. A few moments later I remembered those stupid ads, but I decided to take a chance.

And then, after the Prologue, I was absolutely fascinated. It had nothing in common with those commercials. The game itself was more beautiful than I'd ever imagined. And here I am :D and here we are.

Back to the background graphics. I am personally humbled and grateful to the original artists for these backgrounds. We love the characters – there's no doubt about that. But this setting and atmosphere wouldn’t be what it is without these illustrations.

I usually refer to photos that I think have "the same vibe" or "this place fits the world of Arcana" when I want to expand the world of the game on my own. Like headcanons, fanfiction, et cetera, you know.

Next I would like to show my selection of such photos. All photos from Instagram, not the Pinterest, as this is the most convenient method of attribution.

And all of these images, you know, I am NOT using for any commercial purposes. Crediting is in the order of the images.

⏬

Okay, let's go. It's not that I'm HCing any specific locations. I can only give a very rough idea of the "location area". You'll see the notes, I hope. Credits and links below. Credits are clickable.

graciousopulence (the main source)

1. clivenichols

2. nationaltrust*

3. bonvoyagecleo

4. gamma_f

5. rcmccloskey

6. designboom*

7. amarosanchezdemoya

8. curly.beard

There are some images that conjure up more specific associations for me.

© devonchurchland*

To be honest, this photo became the indirect reason for this post.

I saw this today and the theme song from the game immediately started playing in my head (can you guess which one?). At the same time, I remembered some of the scenes that take place in our storyline. A lot of the action takes place in the Temple District. Just because… why not? especially when you and your co-author are historians obsessed with religion, lol.

I imagined this picture very vividly:

One of the churches in the Temple District. Silence. Julian sitting in an empty church, deep in thought. Watching how the strip of light from the stained glass window slowly creeping across the floor and the benches, then how the flames of the candles flickering.

He reflects and looks away, shyly, from the instruments of passions and the images of martyrs.

No, he is not religious at all. Just... impressionable. He is only impressionable in that he probably thinks most of the time that he has not yet been struck by lightning because of his impure intentions. Poor boy… 🫀

Ahem. Sorry. I think I got carried away. :D Just look at this last item.

© dumbartonoaks*

Leave your comments and share your thoughts, requests, etc. Ask is open.

[vintagetvstars]

My Babylon 5 thoughts

Here are my thoughts on Babylon 5 after watching it for the first time. I could talk for ages about this show but unfortunately that is too long for a text post (I tried going season by season but it was about as long as this post and I hadn’t even gotten to season 3 when I realized it was way too long). So I will try my best to keep it brief and just my overall thoughts.

Overall I really love this show! It’s definitely become one of my favorite sci-fi shows out there! Babylon 5 has an amazingly rich world full of life and inhabited by some of the best written and performed characters in all of sci-fi. I could talk forever about some of my favorite moments in the show and every single character but I’ll try to narrow it down to just a few, but know that there is so much else I love about it. There will be spoilers ahead!

Thoughts under the cut

What is there to say that I’m sure others haven’t already said about Londo and G’Kar and the relationship between the Narn and the Centauri and that arc the show takes us on. By far one of my favorite arcs and relationships on the show. The Narn and Centauri conflict played out through seasons 2 & 3 is chilling. G’Kar made me cry so many times not just in that story arc but in his own personal arc as he grew throughout the show. Londo’s story arc is haunting and a beautiful tragedy you can’t look away from. There relationship throughout the show and how it changes and grows as they do is something that will stay with me forever. Truly one of the best parts of the entire series! G’Kar specifically is one of my all time favorite sci-fi characters right up there with Kira Nerys! Just overall two of the best written and performed characters with some of the most compelling story arcs and relationship to one another that I have ever had the pleasure of witnessing!

While the shadow war was the biggest thing introduced by the show and it was fascinating and overall very well done, I found the stuff going on with earth and the fight against the rising and eventual full on fascism there the most compelling major plot in the series. The whole earth fascism arc was really well done and just horrifying and eerie to watch unfold. I really don’t have more to say about it other than that it was so fantastically done and it speaks for itself and you should go watch it!

I also was extremely pleasantly surprised with the shows handling of religion and spirituality. So much of sci-fi disappointingly either entirely ignores it or exclusively uses it for their villains. Both have always been pretty disappointing takes for me and don’t take advantage of the kind of roll these things can take in peoples lives or their full storytelling potential. Babylon 5 plays with these concepts fully and beautifully and it makes the story, the cultures within it, and its characters so much richer getting to see how religion and spirituality are at play in this world. I still cry thinking about the end of the episode with the religious festival where Sinclair showcases all of earths religions, it was a beautiful moment and touching to see that in Babylon 5’s future all these different religions, ways of thinking, these cultures, still exist, we’re all still here and we are all very human and I found that beautiful.

I’ve said a few things I loved so I’ll quickly go over some of the things I found lacking or flawed before wrapping it up with the rest of what I loved.

While I know a lot of this is due to a lot of behind the scenes production issues, that doesn’t change the fact that this show had a huge issue with wasted characters. There are plenty of characters I liked that got their time cut short that I could talk about but I will only focus on the ones that I’m actively still mad about.

I hate what they end up doing with both Marcus and Lennier and their unrequited love storylines. It’s not even that they went with unrequited love storylines, there are plenty of ways I think they could have still written them with unrequited love storylines that weren’t the in my opinion absolute character assassinating ways they ended both their arcs. I liked Marcus and Lennier but they never used Marcus very effectively then just absolutely take him out in the worst way possible that not only was a disservice to him as a character but completely tainted Ivanova’s exit from the show and her blaze of glory moment which was really upsetting as Ivanova is one of my favorite characters in the series. And Lennier’s unrequited love was actually going in a direction I would have liked, loyal to the end friendship and love but then season 5 happened and they just completely ruined Lennier as a character and his and Delenn’s wonderful relationship of loyalty and friendship and a form of love up until that point. I am upset on behalf of both Marcus and Lennier as characters that didn’t deserve that and Ivanova and Delenn whose own story’s were impacted in the aftermath of these bad storylines.

The only other major thing that bothered me was season 5 and the subsequent movies and spin off not really going anywhere or getting wrapped up in any way. I saved the final episode to watch til last which really worked cause even tho a lot of the stuff introduced in season 5, the movies, and spin off don’t get wrapped up, the Finale was emotionally cathartic and wrapped the show up perfectly on an emotional level. It was just odd to me to introduce a bunch of storylines that weren’t going to get finished, and I get that a lot of it was due to production issues but they did know the show was ending so they could have avoided some of it. Still that was mildly annoying but I suppose I can hopefully find out what happened on some wiki articles or maybe some of the B5 novels.

Okay back to more things I loved for a B5 positivity sandwich! Can we talk about Alfred Bester?!?? I desperately want to go into detail about how much I love this character and especially how phenomenal the performance was but in case the actor gets nominated for the men’s bracket I won’t. I will just say Bester is one of the best Sci-fi villains I’ve ever had the pleasure to witness, right up there with Dukat on Deep Space 9. And it is the best showcase of acting skill and one of the best if not the best performance by the actor who portrays him (who I can’t talk about cause I don’t want to induce a bias but if you know you know)!

While I found a lot of the movies to be bad with some okay/funny bits, to good but flawed and unnecessary, I really adore B5’s spin off Crusade. While some of its early episodes weren’t the strongest they were still fun and enjoyable and its later episodes were great! The characters were delightful and it had an interesting set up and premise. I am genuinely really sad we only got a single season of Crusade as it was better than a lot of other sci-fi series first seasons that did go on to get multiple seasons. If I had a choice to bring back or renew one thing from the Babylon 5 franchise I would genuinely bring back Crusade so we could see a full finished series cause it was cut way too short and I would have loved to see a full series of it. It wasn’t as great as B5 overall but it was good and I really enjoyed it. Plus I had a childhood crush on one of the leads of the show who I won’t name in case anyone nominates any of the guys on this show for the men’s bracket but that certainly biased me towards liking the show 😅.

Also possibly unpopular opinion but I didn’t hate The Legend of the Rangers. It was definitely a bit cheesy and didn’t really feel like it fully fit into the B5 universe so I understand why it wasn’t picked up as a show. But it was fun cheesy for me, very Babylon 5 does Power Rangers and I totally would have watched it had it been picked up. But I also like Power Rangers and how cheesy it can be so maybe that’s just a me thing. I similarly loved the Vorlon encounter suits and the Mantis character from season 1 for similar reasons of them reminding me of the suits and puppet effects used on Power Rangers and other similar media that I think are really fun and always love to see!

One final kind of small thing but B5 actually found a way to make dogfight style space combat interesting to me. I’ve always found the more submarine warfare style ship to ship combat more compelling as when things become a space dogfight it often devolves into just a bunch of space lasers and fast ship unintelligible nonsense and I loose all interest and stakes in what’s happening on screen. B5 found a way to keep the stakes and emotions high so even when they went into more aerial combat I was still fully engaged in the story and what was happening. So thanks for that B5, I genuinely thought it couldn’t be done well but they proved me wrong.

Overall I found Babylon 5 to be a phenomenal show and definitely one that’s certainly become a favorite of mine! I could talk so much more about every season and every single character and the things I love about them but this post is already long enough 😅. I definitely plan to rewatch it many times over (and attempt to perfect a watch order I personally like best cause I see why watch order is so debated now) and am already immediately trying to get mod violet and my partner to both watch it with me in the future (that’ll be two excuses to rewatch it)! It certainly has its flaws but all of my favorite things do and they certainly don’t remotely outweigh the absolutely phenomenal parts of the show.

Finally, I apologize to the Mira Furlan fans that she did not make it far in our tournament. I get it now! Her performance as Delenn is phenomenal and she is absolutely captivating every second she is on screen. She has the beauty and grace of a Disney princess and the terrifying ethereal presence and power of the sun and the moon.

- mod vintage

[blxvdlusttxx]

Oh my god, I loved your ej x reader storyyy, loved his possessiveness

I'd love to see more ej stuffff, I just don't have any specific story idea in my mind I could send in?

Preacher's Daughter (Prologue)

And I'd love to give it to you! I'm thinking of making the preacher's daughter into a series, maybe even a book on wattpad if you guys would be interested, let me know in the comments! Here's a little teaser for what I had in mind! I'm going to try and make Y/N as little detailed as possible, but I'm thinking of making this character into an oc, so stay tuned for that eventually! The oc will likely be what the wattpad story is on, but i will make an x reader version for here!

This little teaser is set before the events of the preacher's daughter fic, basically how Jack and Y/N met. It's not the full thing and less detailed, but I thought it was cute.

Eyeless Jack x Fem!Reader

Content Warnings: None really, mentions of religion (Bible) awkward teenage interactions duhh.

Request: Yes / No

Jack had always noticed her. The shy, sweet girl that always had her nose in her text books, or her bible that she carried around everywhere in her mini backpack that served as her purse.

Y/N L/N was her name, Jack never understood why he liked her. He wasn't a religious person by any means, she was just... different.

All the other girls at the college they attended to were bitchy, or slutty, or just not his type. Not that he ever really minded that, he wasn't going to be the idiot that gets a girl knocked up at a party.

He chewed at the tip of his pen, not paying attention to the teachers recap of the lecture from the day prior as he already had finished his work. Jack was always like that, he did his best to get his work done early so he'd have time to relax and do what he wanted during his free time.

He watched her as she re-read her bible for seemingly the millionth time that semester. He wondered what was so interesting about that damn book. Did she write little notes in it like she did her schoolwork? did she have certain parts highlighted with those pastel highlighters she loved to use?

His mind drifted to her appearance, her H/L H/C hair sat perfectly, her white turtle neck blouse pressed with no wrinkles tucked neatly under her mid-calf length blue dress with white flowers printed on the soft looking fabric. Sat in between her collar bones, was always that silver cross necklace he'd never seen her without. She always looked so... pristine, flawless, perfect even.

His thoughts were interrupted when the teacher called for everyone's attention for new things they were going to be taught. He huffed and pulled out his note book, wishing that class would end sooner.

When the bell rang, three girls he'd seen around before, his roommates girlfriend, one of her friends, and a girl named Jenny, all ran up to Y/N. Bubbling and Gossiping about their latest excursions at the party they had went to the night before. They wondered off out of the class, but before Jack followed them out he noticed that bible, sitting abandoned at Y/N's desk.

"Must've forgot to grab it." he thought to himself before weaving through the desks and picking it up, carefully tucking it into his bag. He sighed and weaved his way back through the desks, exiting the class door and through the mass of students in the hall. It certainly wasn't an insane amount of people, but enough for the halls to be comparable to a zoo.

He eventually spotted the three girls, he watched as Y/N's two friends bided their goodbye's and headed to their respective classes. He moved quickly towards her, and tapped her on the shoulder, causing the girl to jump startledly.

"Oh, Hi jack." Y/n says, a warm smile on her face.

"Hey, y/n." He smiled back at her, starring into her e/c eyes for a moment before clearing his throat and reaching into his bag.

"You left this on your desk, I figured you wouldn't want to lose it." he hummed, holding out the small bible to her. Her eyes lit up in confusion before realizing she had forgotten it.

"Thank you, my lord I didn't even realize." She gently took it from his hands, fingers lingering on his for a little too long.

She swings her bag over her shoulders before unzipping it, carefully sliding the bible into its rightful place amongst the clutter in the small bag.

"It's no problem" Jack smiles, before adjusting his own bag.

"So um, can I walk you to class?" He asks, nodding his head in the direction of the classroom down the hallway.

She smiles and nods. The two walk down the hallway and bid their goodbyes before she walks in, Jack watching her from the doorway.

[thecapricunt1616]

The Bear & His Honey - Chapter 16

♡ Chapter Inspo: Call It What You Want (Reputation - TS) ; I want to wear his initial on a chain 'round my neck. Not because he owns me, but 'cause he really knows me. Which is more than they can say, I recall late November holdin' my breath, slowly I said "You don't need to save me, but would you run away with me?"

♡ Summary: Carmy x Winnie are finally calling things what they are after 3 months of beating around the bush, YAY!!!

♡ W/C: 10,775

♡ Posted Date: 04/05/2024

♡ A/N: Here we have chapter 16 - I hope you all like it! I have been stepping back and seeing where I want things to go, & I think I have generally a good idea now, so I was able to finish up the next 2 chapters finally haha. As per usual thank you for reading, remember requests for one shots are open - or even if you want to see WxC doing something specific let me know! I am here to please hahah one shots I've already written are on my masterlist linked below! Also - no one has asked, but I usually see people will read one chapter, then go back and read all of them 1-15, so if you want to be on a tag list so you can keep up w/ the story just tell me in the comments and i'll make one!!

♡ Warnings for BTC: Swearing, Speaking of smoking, Weed, Smut!, Nervous Carmy, Mushy fluff!!!

➵ 𝐂𝐡𝐞𝐜𝐤 𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐦𝐲 𝐌𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐭 ♡

➵ 𝐂𝐚𝐭𝐜𝐡 𝐮𝐩 𝐨𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐋𝐚𝐬𝐭 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 ♡

𝒲𝒾𝓃𝓃𝒾𝑒𝓈 𝒫.𝒪.𝒱. 🍯

It was a few weeks later, and the beginning of spring had well arrived. The trees were becoming green again, the flowers were blooming, and Carmy and I were still hanging out nearly every afternoon, and he was staying over nearly every night. 

That Friday evening, around 11pm, after Carmy had gotten off his shift, he came over to mine and had a shower after we ate dinner that he had made us before he came over. Tonight had been a favorite - a true garbage plate per my request. 

It was currently 1 am and we were snuggled up in bed, mostly I was watching a rerun of Criminal Minds, and Carmy was distracted by his phone, texting with someone back and forth. 

“Did y’wanna come w’me to Richie’s Sunday? We do Palm at his usually. He’s been textin’ me about comin’ over a little earlier to help with the lamb.” He said and I looked up at him from my spot snuggled up on his chest, my cheek adorned with lines from his sweatshirt since it had been mushed there while I watched the show, my hands playing with the tie of his sweats absentmindedly so I didn’t pick my nails. 

“Oh- yeah. Sure. I didn’t know you like- did that. Y’re…religious? I mean- I know the chain and everything but..” I gently play with the charm between my fingers. He smiled a bit, forefinger gently rubbing over the dark red marks in my cheek from laying. 

“I mean- nah. Not really it’s more like..tradition I guess? Palm Sunday and Easter were huge when I was growin’ up. I guess it’s just an Italian thing, but it’s like- second Christmas. The whole family gets together and has a meal” he said and I nod. 

“Well of course I’ll be your date baby. Thank you for asking, I assume we’re doing church? Like Christmas Eve if it’s a big thing right?” I ask and he nodded a bit. 

“You don’t…you don’t have to go. I mean- I don’t go unless it’s Christmas Eve or Palm or Easter Sunday. So..but I get it if y’arent comfortable” he bit his lip nervously. 

“No baby- no…I think it’s sweet. I grew up Catholic too, well- Irish Catholic. But- I was baptized, so I’m rightfully Catholic. So we can get married someday and not go to hell” I giggled and he snorts a laugh. 

“Oh thank god y’re baptized baby, how could we ever marry if you haven’t devoted yourself to our lord and savior” he teased, earning a laugh from me. 

“Does this mean I get to crack out my veil again? What do I wear? Well I know I can’t have my tits out - but like, color scheme for your church, still red?” I asked and he rubbed my back gently. 

“Yes still red baby.” He kissed my neck, gently nipping at the sensitive skin. “I didn’t know you wore a veil. You were dedicated, huh? Such a good little Catholic” he teased, pinching my bum playfully. 

I laugh a bit “mmhmm- my mom was serious about it. I used to hate it but since I stopped believing in the Catholic god- er- worshiping him, anyway, I just think it’s hot. D’you think we could sneak away to the bathroom for a quickie during the service? I’ve always fantasized about fucking in a church it sounds really hot.” I said causing him to laugh into my skin. 

“Babe. Holy fuckin blasphemy you trying to get on the big man’s ultimate shit list?” He bites my shoulder playfully. 

“Ohhhh we’re way past it Carm. Plus- since he’s so big and mighty and he’s the one that created my twisted fucked up mind- it’s really him who thinks it’s hot. So if he’s mad it’s not on me” I giggled, poking his cheek. “D’you have a bite kink I’m not aware of sir?” I teased. 

“Mmm no you just taste good, and y’so cute it just makes me wanna fuckin bite you I can’t explain it” he bites down on my neck gently, running his tongue over my skin. 

“Awwww you have cute aggression?” I gently play with his curls and he chuckled into my skin, his breath causing goosebumps to appear. 

“That’s a thing?” He questioned and I nod a bit, a wide smile adorning my features. 

“It’s super sweet. Like…when I was at college studying, I took my first round of psych credits, and I guess that uh…when we see something that’s cute, or makes us really happy we wanna like squeeze it or bite it because we’re so overwhelmed with how cute it is that we’re like…searching for an outlet almost? But yeah, so thank you I guess. I do have the urge to just” I take his forearm, gently biting down and giggling into his skin and he chuckled. 

“Y’can bite me. Maybe not in public so we don’t look like a couple’a freaks, but this is ok” he said and I released his flesh 

“Oh yeah I’m just gonna bite you in front of all the staff at work next time I see you. I’ll do it when you’re really angry” I teased, lacing our fingers together and resting our hands over my tummy. 

“Ugh no work talk right now baby today was fuckin’-” he rubs over his face with his other hand “remind me to never trust Richie with shipment ever again.” He grumbled, grabbing his phone to resume whatever he was doing. I mentally rolled my eyes. 

Really, Richie? The one time. One time, that Carmy decides to let someone else start the day- and sleep until 5 am instead of 4- he fucks it up somehow. 

“ ‘m sorry baby. You want a massage? It’s getting late. Maybe it’ll help you sleep, how’s your back?” I asked gently, rubbing his forearm. 

He sighed a bit, putting his phone on the wireless charging pad on the nightstand that had begun living there since he had been sleeping over. “Hurts..Think I pulled a muscle ‘er somethin’ in my shoulder too, fuckin bags of rice were on the lowest shelf and I didn’t use my knees at all apparently” he said and I sat up, grabbing my massage oil from the nightstand. 

“Alright roll over mister, no more work talk tonight, got it? Were Resting our brains now” I kiss his cheekbone and he nods tiredly, tugging off his sweatshirt and laying on his stomach.

“No more work talk” he agreed with an exhausted sigh. I warmed some of the oil in my hands, kissing the little freckles along his back as I did so and he hums softly. 

“Okay so where should I start on the map baby?” I asked him. I had taught him the system my mom and I used to use when she’d give my brother and I massages as kids, where you tell a state on the map so she could better gauge where it was hurting. 

“Fuckin’… Vegas to the Carolina’s. It hurts so bad babe” he said and I gently felt over his lower back, this was usually where we started, unless Wyoming and Nebraska which were more his mid back was hurting him worse, that only happened when he went too hard at the gym, though. 

“It’s probably Texas. Usually Texas, babe” I said, gently working my thumbs with light pressure from the middle of his lower back outwards and he lets out a groan. 

“Fuck Texas” he muttered into the pillow, causing me to giggle a bit. 

“I’ve never been, I hear they have great Mexican food.” I said, adding a bit of pressure as I got to his hips where he held a lot of his stress. 

“Mmm I’ve been- shit”  he hissed as I work at a knot at the back of his hip. “Fuck- keep going babe- ahhh mmhmm- yes” he grumbles. I added more pressure and he sighed gratefully. “Thank you” he said softly, resting his cheek on his forearm, eyes fluttering shut in bliss.

“You’ve been? Lucky! Did you try the Mexican food?” I asked, dragging the pressure across his lower back and he moans out quietly. 

“Mmhmm…Dallas…ACF conference- went in November. They do have great Mexican food. And the drinks are enormous, crazy strong for how cheap they were.” He said. 

“Ooo that sounds like my kinda place. We should go on a trip sometime, if I could ever afford it that is. But a road trip would be fun” I gently rub up to his mid back. 

“You don’t have t’pay anything baby, I didn’t know you wanna travel- where d’you wanna go? I just have to get the time off. That's the problem, not the money. But what’s y’dream place y’wanna go?” He asked. 

“Anywhere. Well, anywhere with you. I’ve never been on a plane before, I took the train here. Cause my Grammy wouldn’t let me take a plane, since our Grandpa died in one- she says they’re bad luck. But I’ve always wondered what it was like. It seems fun. Are airports fun like they make it look in the movies?” I smile a bit, gently massaging over his ribs. 

“No. Totally not. They don’t really put airports in tv and shit after 9/11 if you’ve noticed because now they’re a fuckin’ nightmare- but I mean…not as shit as being on a train for what- 30 hours babe? Y’not doin’ that t’go do that nanny thing right? I don’t want you sittin for 30 hours with y’hip.” He said and I shrug a bit, continuing to rub over his mid back with the pressure I knew he liked. 

“I set a timer on my phone, and get up and walk around every 20 minutes, So it doesn’t hurt so bad. Also- it’s like…50 bucks cheaper so. 50 bucks toward my next therapy session” I say simply. 

“50 bucks?! Baby. No. I’m buyin’ y’ticket and you can get there in 2 hours, so I can have you for an extra whole day. No arguing. It’s done” he said and I laugh a bit. 

“Oh so you boss me around now?” I said and he smirks, looking at me over his shoulder. 

“Hasn’t that been established? That I only make you do something when y’too stubborn to allow me to help?” He asked and I kiss his lips gently. 

“Control freak” I teased, starting on his shoulders and his eyes flutter shut in bliss. 

“Consider it payment f’r all the massages I’ll need when you get back. I dunno how I’m gonna manage babe it helps so much. Fuck ah- yes. There- there honey” he groaned as I drag my thumb with a good amount of pressure in the dip of his shoulder blade. 

“Y’know you can see a real masseuse, Bear. You don’t have to torture yourself until I’m home again” I said, adding a bit more pressure and he whimpered, burying his face in the pillow. 

“Mmm- don’t wanna” he said into the fabric as I work his other shoulder the same way. “Holy shiiiit. Baby. Fuck- fuuuuck me.” He moaned and I laughed a bit, rubbing my thumbs up to the base of his neck and back down. “Mmm shit- fuckin’ hurts soooo good” 

I laughed at his bear like grumbles “Jesus baby. Thank god I don’t have roommates they’d think we’re sex addicts with the way you moan when I give you your massages” I straddled his hips as I work from the balls of his shoulders in towards his neck. 

“Mm not my fault you have tiny magical hands” he teased and I laughed. 

“Do not make fun of my little hands. I can’t help it, and it makes my life tedious” I joked, gently using the knuckles of my thumbs to release the tension in the sides of his neck. 

“How is me calling your doll hands magical, making fun of them?” He said and I smiled, pinching his arm gently. 

“May I remind you Bear who’s mercy you’re at right now?” I bite down on his neck playfully and he chuckles. 

“My favorite girls” he counters and I smiled big, a blush creeping to my cheeks. 

“You are a big flirt” I sat up, continuing to work at the base of his neck. 

“I am being accused left and right t’night, of crimes f’which you have zero admissible evidence” he teased and I laughed, covering my mouth to not wake up the neighbors. 

“Okay- we’re watching way too much criminal minds and SVU lately, admissible evidence, babe?” I shook my head, working on rubbing his biceps in sections since they were quite large. 

“Not my fault I wake up f’work and it’s still on. That shit can’t be givin’ you good dreams babe. Y’need to turn it off” he said and I smiled a bit at his concern. 

“Oh, and you when you go home, and turn on YouTube cooking videos until you pass out, that’s not giving you bad dreams about work?” I mused and he hums. 

“No. Cause I usually don’t watch the English ones, my italian is spotty, which makes my Spanish shitty. And our French lessons have only gotten me so far. So- if my eyes are closed, nothin but noise” he countered and I roll my eyes with a smirk. 

“And how do you know how much of everything to put in?” I ask curiously, massaging over his biceps. 

“By the look” he replied as if that said anything at all. 

“So, if I right now, gave you my water bottle- you could tell me how much water was in it?” I snort 

“Depends, is there ice?” He asked and I raised my brows. 

“ Carmy you can’t just- I mean you can guess. But you’ll have no form of accuracy.” I said and he hums. 

“Think of it like Cooking is biology, and baking is science babe. 2 different sides of the same coin. I don’t need accuracy, I need flavor and balance. A good chef doesn’t solely stick to a recipe. But a good baker always sticks to a recipe. F’r cookin’ It’s about what the dish wants. F’baking it’s what it needs. So yeah I’m confident I could give you a fairly accurate measurement by look” he explained and I gently massage over his wrists, paying extra attention to them because of all the repetitive motion he did at work with all the chopping and stirring and whisking. 

“Mmm I love it when you get all sexy technical chef on me” I kiss the top of his hand lightly and he smiled a bit. 

“Well I’ll tell y’anythin y’wanna know angel” he said, covering his mouth with his hand as he yawned big. “Mmm. Y’always put me t’sleep” he mumbled. 

I giggle a bit “that was the point. Geez like a colicky baby sometimes, so overtired y’can’t sleep” I said and he snorts. 

“Mmm this is my favorite part” he rolled on his side as I took my place next to him and he lays his forearm over my tummy so I can lightly drag my nails across it for him. 

“Spoiled, spoiled little bear” I teased, obliging him and gently dragging my nail across his skin with a featherlight touch causing goosebumps to appear. 

“Mmhmm, the most spoiled” he said and kisses me sweetly I hummed softly, cupping his cheek and gently rubbing my thumb over his cheekbone. 

“Just one more day”  I said when he pulled away, alluding to his Sunday off. 

“One more.” He said softly and snuggled into my chest as I continued gently caressing his arm, my other hand tangling in his muss of damp curls and scratching his scalp as I usually did to help him fall asleep. 

This had been our routine for the last 2 weeks now, he’d come over after working out, we’d eat dinner, he’d have a shower, then we’d sit on the balcony and smoke together, then come in and get in bed, I’d give him a massage after cuddling for a while, and stroke his arm and give him scratches to help him fall asleep, since the first night I did it for him he was out in less than 10 minutes, (which was an all time record for him) - and he’d be little spoon until he fell asleep. Then when I eventually did as well- we’d wake up in the morning with me having stolen the title of little spoon once more. 

He nuzzled his face in the crook of my neck, his warm breath hitting my collar bone. I focused on the tv and continued stroking his arm gently, a few minutes went by like that before he muttered a half asleep “night honey” bringing a small smile to my lips.  “Night Bear” I said softly, brushing his curls off his forehead and gently kissing it, lingering for a moment before resting back on the pillow and continuing to stroke his arm gently.

I was woken by the sound of Carmy’s first alarm that he’d nearly knocked his phone off the nightstand trying to silence, before groaning tiredly and plopping his arm back around me, pulling me closer to him. 

“Morning” I said softly, my eyes still closed. 

“Mornin’ babe.” He said quietly, planting a soft kiss to my jaw. He’d been setting his alarm for 4:00 instead of 4:30 for the past week or so, so we’d get a little bit of snuggle time before he had to get in the shower. 

“How’d you sleep?” I asked, lacing our fingers together and turning to face him, wrapping my leg between his and hooking them together. 

“Alright. My back feels a lot better, thanks for the massage honey. How’d you sleep?” He rubbed over his face, yawning which caused me to catch it and yawn myself. 

“Course love. I slept okay, had a really weird dream, wanna hear about it?” I ask and he smiled lazily, nuzzling his face into my neck. 

“Mm. Always” he said softly. 

“So-“ I giggle softly at the absolute bizarreness “so, Syd was there- oh I’ll have to send her a voice note about this. But Syd was there, and we were at my middle school? But it was here, in Chicago. And it wasn’t my middle school, it was a hospital? But my teachers were there. Well they weren’t my teachers they were strangers, but I like knew they were my teachers, ya’know?” He chuckled a bit into my skin. 

“Okay, and what were you and Syd doin baby?” He questioned. 

“Literally Carm- playing with a Ouija board? Like?” I laughed a bit, causing him to follow suit. 

“Who were you trying to get ahold of?” He asked. 

“I don’t know! But it was like scary lookin. I don’t even - oh! Yes! That’s how I know it was a hospital cause we were in this dingy like basement, and there was a gurney? Like. I dunno. Oh! And she was like” I laughed, shaking my head. “She was like Winnie- they’ll know the right ingredient. Like- like we’re summoning the dead for recipe advice? But she was so stressed like she was dyyying to find out what they had to say” I said and his chest vibrated with laughter. 

 “And yeah, that was it that’s the dream- dream Syd, and real Syd, both are OCD about recipes to the point of insanity” I said and he shook his head, planting a kiss on my temple. 

“Thanks f’r sharing babe. Y’know, maybe the dead could help us out with recipes- dream Syd could be onto somethin’ ” he joked and I gently play with his sleep tousled hair. 

“Mmm I think the only ghost that would give a shit about food they can’t eat- would be you and Syd baby. I can totally see that. Us hanging out in the afterlife, and you’re like ‘but honey, if I help them and tell them it needs more lemon it’ll be so good’ “ i mimicked him doing my best Carmy impression and he snorts a laugh. 

“I do not sound like that, when did I turn into a fuckin- southside chain smokin’ uncle?” He teased and I laughed, poking his cheek playfully. 

“Not too far off, you’re a north side chain smoking uncle in real life, so I guess the accent was a little off” I said and he rolls his eyes. 

“Yeah yeah. I’m down to half a pack a day now I wouldn’t call that chain smokin anymore” he mused, kissing my neck with open mouth kisses, trailing down to my collarbones. 

“Mmm Bear?” I question and felt him smile into my skin before biting down gently in the fleshy spot between my neck and shoulder. 

“Mmhmm?” He mumbled, his teeth still gently clamped around my flesh. 

“It’s 4:09” I said, gently scratching his scalp with my nails. 

“So that means we have..21 minutes, no?” He questions and I raise my brows with a smirk. 

“And what are we doing with this twenty one minutes, Bear?” I muse and he lifted the covers, crawling underneath, and getting between my thighs. 

“Don’t they say breakfast is the most important meal of the day?” he asked, kissing over my pantyline in the way that made my breath hitch. 

“Real breakfast, baby. Which you refuse most the time” I told him, gently pushing his curls back, watching as he carefully slips my panties to the side. 

He licks a stripe up my heat with the pad of his tongue, stopping at my clit and applying more pressure, open jawed, rubbing his tongue messily back and forth. I whined in pleasure, my head dropping back to the pillow. 

He hooked my knees over his shoulders, pulling me closer by my hips and gently sucks on the sensitive bud that was now getting firmer and more prominent, flicking and smoothing his tongue over it in small circles, earning hot moans of satisfaction from deep in my chest. 

“Oh-“ I breathe out, my voice coming out as more of a squeak then anything and my hips buck involuntarily as a jolt of pleasure cracks through me at his actions. 

“Mmm so fuckin sweet” he grumbled into the slick flesh, the vibrations causing my core to clench around nothing.  

“Holy fuck Carmy” I gasp as I felt his tongue lapping over my enterence, thrusting his tongue inside in one swift motion, humming in satisfaction as he felt me squeeze tightly around his tongue and I tugged his hair between my fingers. 

“Ah- shitholy-fuckingchristCarm” I moaned out as he nudged the bridge of his strong nose against my clit with a pressure that was gonna drive me right over the edge- and fast. 

“Mmhmm- mmhmm” I nod quickly, biting my lip hard as I feel that all too familiar tightening in my stomach, the pool building quickly and the dam walls getting ready to snap, all of my muscles tightening and my thighs quivering. 

“Breathe” he reminded me gently, reaching up and grabbing one of the hands that had taken grip on his hair, lacing our fingers together and squeezing my hand gently. 

I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding, “sorry” I mumble sheepishly and he continued, humming happily into my slick when I gasp in a enormous breath as he flicks his tongue wildly over my clit, pressing my hips into the bed to make me remain still with his other forearm. 

“Oh- oh- fuuuck! Ah- ahh! cumming! Yes- yes!!!” I cry out, squeezing his hand tightly, my head thrown back in bliss and spine arched off the bed. 

“mm- shit- fuck- too sensitive” I whine, as he continued the rough assault on my clit, digging my nails into the back of his hand. 

“I think I can get another one babe - cmon be good f’me, please?” he said lowly, his voice coated in thick, honey-like lust. 

“Ah- fuck-fuck- okay- mmmmillbegood” I slur, my thighs pressing against his temples and ankles locked behind his head. 

He removed his forearm from my hips. “Y’gonna be a good girl, mmm? Y’gonna stay still f’me? Er do I need t’keep holdin’ you?” He asks and I shook my head. 

“Ill be still, promise” I said quickly, squeezing his hand gently. 

“That’s my girl” he brought his mouth back to my clit, slipping two fingers in my entrance and curling them expertly into that amazing spongy spot he seemed to have memorized by now, that I could somehow never manage to get to so well on my own. 

“Holyfuck” I groaned, tugging his hair taut and he moans into me, the vibrations on my over sensitive clit dragging me to the edge and leaving me dangling there. 

“Ah- fuck mmm-d’that- keep doin’ that Bear pleeeease” I begged as I tug at his hair harder, earning a deeper moan out of him. My hips snap back into the mattress, twitching and shaking as I mewl and whine through my second orgasm, my back arched and hand leaving his hair to grip the sheets so I wouldn’t hurt him as I held them in a white knuckle grasp. 

His alarm goes off for 4:30 a few moments after my thighs stop quivering in pleasure and hips finally stilled. He messily wiped his wet chin, mouth, and the tip of his nose on my thigh, slick with my arousal, before placing a gentle kiss on my mound, and popping his head out of the sheets, casually hitting the stop button on the alarm. 

“Thanks f’breakfast honey” he joked, getting out of bed and stretching his back, before giving me a peck on the lips and heading off to the bathroom, leaving me fucked absolutely dumb. 

“Anytime” I said tiredly, feeling exhausted once again after only a few hours sleep and being feasted on so intensely, and so early in the morning. 

He left the bathroom door cracked so Persephone wouldn’t scratch the whole time trying to get in and investigate what he was doing, and I heard him start the shower before I rolled back over and fell asleep. 

I was awoken by sweet gentle kisses about 45 minutes later, feeling the icy metal of his chain brush over my chin as he pressed lingering kisses on my forehead. “Hey sleepy” he said softly, rubbing my side. 

The smell of his cologne and minty toothpaste hits my nose and my eyes flutter open. He was sat next to me, backpack and hoodie already on. 

“Already?” I whine, laying over his lap and nuzzling my face in his tummy, breathing in his scent and wrapping my arms around him. 

“Mmhmm. But 3:30 yeah? I’ll come pick y’up from the library we can have lunch in the car?” He gently runs his fingers through my hair in the way that made me sleepy, and my eyes flutter shut once again subconsciously. 

“Can’t you call out sick?” I mumble into his sweatshirt and he chuckled. This was the same conversation we had nearly every morning. 

“And do what princess? Mm? Follow you to the library and sit around while you put away books?” He joked and I huff. 

“Yes. Exactly that.” I said and look up at him, puckering my lips, knowing I wouldn’t win this battle possibly ever unless he was actually sick. 

“Mmhmm I’m sure y’boss would love to just have a chef loitering around all day waiting for her star employee” he teased, leaning down and giving me a sweet, tender goodbye kiss. 

“Be safe.” I said softly when he pulled away, cupping his cheek and rubbing over his cheekbone with my thumb. He leaned into my touch, sighing softly and eyes fluttering shut. 

“Always. We have a big catering order today, so if I don’t text back that’s why. What do you want f’r lunch in case I forget to ask?” He took my hand, gently kissing my palm. 

“Mmm- dunno. Surprise me, nothin’ spicy but you knew that” I said, covering my mouth as I yawn. 

“Surprise it’ll be then baby” he leaned in, kissing me once more before pulling away and rubbing my stomach signaling it was that dreaded time. 

I sigh, sitting up off his lap and giving him a big hug, kissing his cheek with a smooch “have a good day baby” I said softly into his damp hair, kissing his head once more before letting him go. 

“Thank you angel, lock the door behind me please” he said and I nod, following him to the door and see Persephone was sat on top of his shoes in the hallway.  

“See I think Persephone says you should stay home too” I smile and he shook his head with a grin. 

“Not t’day snowball” he picks her up, kissing her head and he licks the tip of his nose, causing him to scrunch it adorably. 

“Ugh fish breath” he mutters and I giggle. 

“She looooooves her Carmy, isn’t that right little baby?” I scratch her chin and he plops her in my arms so he can slip on his sneakers. 

“Mmhmm and I love her too but duty calls, stinky” he tells her in a sweet voice and kisses her head once more before pecking my lips once he had his shoes on and opening the door. 

“And put some panties on Winnie the Pooh” he said in my ear, spanking my bum lightly before heading down the hall. 

I laughed “Sorry- I’ll make sure to put your leftovers away sooner next time” I call after him teasingly, shutting the door behind me and clicking it locked.

I was in the Young Adult section at the library, putting returned books back on the shelf, when I felt my phone start buzzing in my bra. I fished it out, abandoning my cart of books I’d yet to put away, quickly heading to the employee back room once I realized it was Carmy. 

I clicked green answer button. “Hey Bear! How’s the-“ he cuts me off suddenly. 

“Hey- um- hey. I need like- a huge favor baby”  

He said nervously. I put a concerned hand on my hip, nervously pacing the break room. “What is it love? Are you ok? Are you hurt?” I asked, already on edge due to the anxiety lacing his tone. 

“No- no I’m ok- it’s uh. Syd. She’s….fuck I’m sorry - her stomach? Something about her stomach. She’s in the office right now, she can like- barely move but she doesn’t want to go to the hospital and uhh.” I could see him in my mind nervously shaking his hand and pacing. 

“Okay- okay I’m coming. Is it like a girl tummy ache- or something different?” I asked, grabbing my purse and light jacket I’d worn, quickly putting it on as I held my phone pressed to my cheek and shoulder.

“No - no way honey. This is like- she can barely speak - I’ve never…I’m scared baby.” He said, his voice cracking a bit. 

“Shhh. It’s ok, it’s ok, Bear- Syd has had stomach ulcer problems in the past, I need you to get her to try and eat something, ok? Shes gonna say no, but she has to eat- the acid in her stomach is irritating her. I’m coming. I’m grabbing an Uber right now, breathe baby. It’s all gonna be fine” I said and he took a deep trembling breath. 

“Ye’…yeah. Ok. Okay, I’ll see you baby, be safe” he said and I sigh softly. 

“Always” I said softly and hung up. I shoved my phone in my coat pocket, untucking my hair and heading to my bosses office. 

I lightly knocked, waiting for her ‘come in’ before nudging the door open. 

“Hey- Family emergency, I have to head out. Could you let Jessie know I left some returns in the YA section?” I ask and she nods. 

“Hope everything’s ok, call me if you can’t make it in Monday.” She said and I nodded. 

“Thank you” I told her before shutting her office door behind me. 

The Uber ride to The Bear was torturous, I’d texted Syd thrice - to no avail. She was constantly pushing herself so hard- that she was making herself literally burn from the inside out. I’d told her time and time again, from everything I’d learned in my 3 years at college- stress can literally kill you, and that she should really take some time off before she seriously injured herself- but unfortunately she never listened. 

I got out of the car when we’d barely come to a full stop, rushing to the front door, stepping inside and seeing Sugar at the host stand. “Oh- thank god- Carmy is freaked out Winnie- he literally is convinced she’s dying- can you go cool him off? Please?” She begs and I nodded quickly, heading behind the counter and pushing the back door open to the loud kitchen. 

Everytime I was here during the day, I made it a point not to come in this way because the environment made my skin crawl. The noise, the lights, the crashing of pans and pots, the yelling, the sudden bursts of flames while various chefs flambéd dishes that would singe your hair if you weren’t paying attention. 

I swallowed thickly “uh- oops! Sorry” I squeak, quickly getting out of a foodrunners way as he briskly moved past me, shoving the door open with his hip and heading to the front of the restaurant with a large tray of food he held with one hand over his shoulder. 

“Uh- behind you? I’m behind you!” I tried to call over the noise as I pass various people. Usually if I came through the front, Carmy greeted me and people parted for us like Moses and the Red Sea- but without his presence, I was just another body in here and no one seemed to even realize I was there. 

I finally made it back to the hall where the offices were, taking a deep breath to center myself before pushing open the door. 

Carmen was knelt in front of the big comfy couch in Sugars office, offering Syd some water. 

“Winnie- if you don’t get your boyfriend the fuck away from me- I’m gonna peel off his skin and enjoy it” Syd said through gritted teeth. 

“Syd- Syd- eat. Y’have t’eat.” He pleads and I shut the door to silence out all the noise. 

“Carmy” I said softly and he looks up at me, concern and worry written all over his face. “Take a walk, yeah? Go have a cigarette ok?” I said gently and squat next to him, rubbing his shoulder that was hard as a rock with all the tension he was currently holding. 

“No- no. She’s sick Winnie. She’s just bein’ a jagoff because she hates bein’ cared for. Cmon syd” he looks at her and she glared back at me with the fire of 1000 suns, a look that if I was quite honest- scared me slightly. 

“Bear” I gently play with his curls, earning his attention once more. “What Syd needs right now, is the energy in the room to be calm, and you’re literally vibrating with anxiety. Please, f’me? Go relax. Ok?” I said and kiss his temple. 

He huffs and got up, leaving the room with a hard closing of the door, but not quite a slam. I look at Syd, and before I could start, we both hear Carmy going off 

“I’m steppin’ out f’r 5 FUCKIN MINUTES- If that GOD DAMN DIRTY BOWL I ALREADYTOLD SOMEONE TO WASH IS STILL SITTING AT THE EXPO WHEN I GET BACK HEADS WILL ROLL FUCKERS. MOVE. IM NOT FUCKIN’ AROUND T’DAYISN’T THE FUCKIN’ DAY “ he barks before we hear his heavy footsteps stomping off down the hall and a harsh slam of the back door. 

Syd rolls her eyes and I gently sit next to her. “See what I have to deal with? And you wonder why I’m - fffuuuuck oh my gooooddd” she groans, keeling over and laying on my lap as she clutches her stomach. “Fucking kill me. Oh my god- kill me please” she moaned in pain. 

I gently rub her arm, digging through my purse and taking out one of my vials of RSO I kept in there for emergencies. “Here, Y’gonna have to go home- but..it’s gonna make it stop” I told her. 

“Give it. Give it. Whatever it fucking is. I’d literally take heroin right now holy shit Winnie it feels like I’m being stabbed” she said, hands shaking from how much pain she was in. 

“Open.” I told her, tilting her face towards me. “Tongue up” I said when she opened her mouth and I squirt a decent glob of oil under her tongue. 

She closed her mouth, nose scrunching at the taste “what the fuck is that weed?!” She mumbles and I nod. 

“Mmhmm, well kinda- don’t swallow. Let it sit until the pain stops enough that you forget about it and wonder why your mouth is so full of spit” I teased, gently dabbing her sweaty forehead with a napkin from my purse. 

“Thank you” she mumbled, closing her eyes and sighing softly as she waited for it to kick in. 

“He was really worried, Syd.” I said after a few minutes of silence, when I knew the pain had started to dull since her hands had stopped shaking. 

She shook her head in annoyance, unable to speak yet because of the oil and scrunching her nose as if to say ���he shouldn’t be.’ 

“Y’re his only friend. Other then me, and Richie. But Richie raised him. Of course he’s gonna worry for you. Especially when you’re like- near the point of vomiting blood because of how bad this is getting. You have to do the surgery, Syd.” I said and with that she swallowed, sitting up and looking at me. 

“No- no. Winnie. No! I’m- I can’t. I can’t and I won’t. It’s not even that bad and I’m not vomiting blood miss theatrics- I’m not gonna take 3 weeks off work to do a stupid surgery that isn’t even guaranteed to find anything wrong! What if they go in there and find nothing and I’m back at square one- and out of work for THREE WEEKS?! I can’t leave Tina yet, she- she’s. No. I can’t let her drown. Carmy too- a-and Richie. We can’t-“ I inturrupt her 

“Sydney.” I said in a dead serious tone. “Y’need to get it. This is literally like - this should not even be a discussion at this point! The reason the doctor wants you to have it is because before they can just give you all these medicines to fix your gut bacteria that’s all shot from fucking stress- it’ll hurt you more on the very slim chance you don’t have a stress ulcer, but it is something with your stomach, Syd. It’s an exploratory surgery they don’t do those for no reason.” I said as Carmen came in and his eyes nearly fell out of his head. 

“Surgery?!” He exclaims and slams the door shut behind him. “What? Syd- what’s going on. This isn’t a stomachache you didn’t just eat somethin’ that’s not agreeing with you. What is it, Sydney” she said and I crossed my arms, sitting back and letting her do the talking. 

A slow smile grows on her face, and she covers her mouth with her hands as she begins to giggle. Fair to say the oil has now done its trick. 

“Have I ever told you, when you get mad, there’s this vein in your forehead- and- it’s- it’s so funny” she said, causing me to start laughing with her. 

Carm’s eyes flickered to mine. “What the hell did you give her?” He asks and I shrug with a smirk. 

“Somethin’ t’make her floaty, and” I shield my mouth from Syd so only Carm could see “agreeable” I mouthed and he smiled a bit, shaking his head. 

“Syd.” He looks at her. 

“Caaarrrmeeennnn” she replied in a sing-songy voice “I need to get back to the spice mixture for my cod now- but this was a great chat guys. Winnie- you’re the best” she said and got up, heading towards the door. 

“Noooo ya’ don’t” Carmen stops her, spinning her around by the shoulders and leading her back to the couch. She groaned dramatically, sitting down next to me once more. “What is this about a surgery, Syd?” He asked, pulling up the rolling chair and sitting in front of us. 

“A stuuuuupiiiidd surgery Carmen. Stupid. Doctors wanna slice me open and prod around hoping they find something. And then when they don’t i'll be stuck at home with my dad glued to my bedside, for no fucking reason, and I’ll loose three weeks minimum of work. And that’s if they find nothing. If they do find something, I’ll have to schedule another surgery and I’ll be out for SIX weeks.” She said and Carm nods, rubbing over his face for a moment as he thinks. 

“And how long have they been buggin’ you t’get this surgery, Syd?” He asked finally, brushing his hair back and looking at her seriously. 

“Mmm….” She crossed her arms, averting his gaze “7 months” she mumbles. 

“What?!” Carmen leans forward in disbelief. “Say that- say that again? I know y’didnt just say you’ve been dealin’ w’this f’r a fuckin year” he said and she shrugged. 

“They reccomended it a year ago, they’ve just been hounding me for the past 7 months. It’s really not that bad, Carm.” She said and he shook his head, getting up and going over to the filing cabinet silently. 

“What are you doing?” Sydney sits up as he opens a drawer, thumbing through different file folders before popping out what looked to be a blank information sheet of some kind and plops back down in the chair, rolling over to the desk and beginning to fill it out with a pen. 

“Carmen - what are you” she stood up, looking at the form he was filling out “no” she said, ripping it from under his pen and crumpling it up, throwing it in the wastebasket next to the desk. “Fuck you. No” she seethed. 

“What’s going on?” I sit up. 

“Syd- there’s like 50 million copies, I really don’t want to do it like this, but I know you aren’t gonna do it unless I make you do it.” He said and got up, walking back over to the same filing cabinet. 

She followed him, holding the drawer containing the forms closed with her hand. “No! Carmen are you fucking kidding me?! You aren’t my fucking parent. Stop! We are equals here! You can’t do this” she said and he shook his head, resting his hand atop the cabinet. 

“Sydney. This isn’t a discussion, are you really gonna make me say it, you’re really gonna push me?” He asked lowly. 

She crosses her arms, “say it.” She countered chest quickly moving with rapid angry breaths. 

“As your partner. I’m ordering you, mm? It’s an order, Sydney. Y’gonna go to the back, Y’gonna empty out your locker- because y’not gonna be around here for a while, and you are going to come back to this office, Y’gonna take the short term disability form I give you, Y’gonna call them, file. it. I will be checking, and then, Y’gonna schedule whatever fuckin procedure you need, and when your doctor clears you to come back in the kitchen, then, and only then will you return to work. I’m being more then fair, considering you’re making me force you t’do this, so I’ll be paying you your full wages while you’re out. Even though, im gonna have to train 3 dumb fucks to even-“ he shook his head, sighing deeply. “T’even keep us runnin’ half as well. So there. There. You wanted me to fuckin’ play mean mentor partner there ya go.” He said before opening up the drawer, plucking out another blank form and sitting back at the desk. 

She scoffs, looking to me. “You’re just gonna let him do this?” She narrowed her eyes at me, brows furrowed with anger.  

“Syd- this..this isn’t my restaurant…you only answer to-“ Carmy cuts me off. 

“Do not. No. Sydney, out. Step the fuck out, now. Y’not doin’ this t’her. She fuckin-“ he shakes his head, rubbing his eyes before pointing to the door. 

“Fuckin- go. Go before I say shit I’ll regret. Leave. Now.” He orders her and she left the office with a loud slam of the door. 

I sighed, dropping my head back on the couch and closing my eyes, wanting to melt into a puddle on the floor. 

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry baby” he sighed, the soft sounds of pen on paper filling the silence. 

“Not your fault” I mumbled, crossing my arms. 

“I-it is. Babe I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be bringin’ you into this shit. It’s not fair, she’s your friend” he said. 

“Exactly- she’s my friend. I love her, Carm. She’s a hard headed fuck at times, but it’s because she loves being here. She just- has this idea that I have some semblance of control over what you do” I took off my shoes before sitting crisscrossed on the couch. 

He snorts a dry laugh, shaking his head. “Well. I mean, not full control- but I listen to you” he gives me a small smirk and I roll my eyes. 

“In our relationship of course. But I can’t honestly give you advice about that. Shes gonna cool off and apologize, to you too babe. Shes gonna realize we just want her better” I sighed softly. 

He nodded, continuing to fill out the form. “I get if you don’t wanna sit around here, want me t’drive you home?” He asked. 

I shook my head “why not? Well if I can stay back here. I don’t like being in the kitchen like at all” I said and he chuckled. 

“Why? Too busy?” He asked

“Too busy, too loud, too bright, to many stabbey things, too many people, too many smells, too much yelling.” I said, pulling my kindle out of my purse. “But back here I have a comfy couch, my books, and my bear. So, I’m ok here” i smile a bit and he rolled over, giving me a peck on the lips. 

“Thank you f’comin, honey. Really” he tucked my hair behind my ear. 

“Baby, any time. If you’re ever scared, or need to talk, or just- I dunno…need a hug? I’m here. That’s what I’m for.” I said and he kissed my nose sweetly. 

“Then I’m the luckiest guy alive” he said softly before kissing my lips in the way that gave me a feeling of a swarm of monarchs being trapped in my chest.  

“Oh you are the mushiest ever” I said and kissed the cute little moles on his cheek.

The door slammed open and Syd comes in “give it.” She snipped, outstretching her hand. 

Carm rolls back over to the desk, handing her the form and she plucks it from his hands. He sighed, crossing his arms over his chest and they look at eachother in silence, almost like 2 lions deciding if it was worth it to continue a fight over dominance. 

“Please.” She said quietly after a few moments, her big brown eyes teary. 

“Syd” he said softly, signing to her ‘I’m sorry’ over his chest and i bit my lip, looking out the window, trying to appear uninterested so that they could have some semblance of privacy. 

“Then I want you to get your back checked out. Fair is fair, Carmen.” She said shakily. 

My eyes flicker back over to him and he sits back in his chair, rubbing over his chin for a moment as he thought. “Fine. Fine. I’ll go to the doctor. Back pain is different Syd you know this. But fuckin’ whatever. I’ll go if it’ll make you get Y’r surgery” he said and she nodded once. 

“Fair is fair” she outstretched her hand for him to shake, and he rolled his eyes. 

“Really, we have to seal this with a handshake?” He asked. 

“Fair, is fair.” She replied and he shook her hand firmly. 

“And I’m sorry” she said to me. I nodded 

“It’s okay, I know this is…it’s hard, kid. I get it. But did you have to give me the near impossible task of getting him to the doctor?” I tease with a smile. 

The faintest upturn of a smile replaced her frown and she shrugs. “It’s his deal to go through on. I’ll be checking.” She repeated his words from earlier and he gave her a smug smile. 

“And how will you do that? You don’t know what doctor I see, or if I’ll just go to an urgent care and have some random ass doctor write me a pain pill prescription and that’s it.” He countered. 

“Oh- because I have eyes on you at every angle.” She told him. “I’m always watching.” She teased, closing the office door behind her when she left. 

“What- is she gettin’ daily reports from you ‘er somethin?” He asks and I laughed, shrugging a bit. 

“Mmm. Not reports. I don’t like tell her everything, but- mood reports” I giggle and Richie opens the door. 

“What the fuck are you doing?! How are we gonna run this shit without Syd?!” He shuts the door behind him and looks over to me. “Sorry sweetheart, nice t’see you” he gives me an apologetic smile before turning back to Carm. “You let her go?!” He asks and Carmen looks at him as if he had 3 heads. 

“Let her go?! No, jagoff. I told her to take short term, I’m paying her full wages as long as she needs, and she’s gonna be back when she’s fuckin’ better.” Carmy explained. 

“Short term? Short term termination? Short term what?!” Richie asked frustratedly. 

“You IDIOT. SHORT TERM DISABILITY!” He shouts at him and I flinch. 

“Carmen” I said sharply, he quickly looks over to me. 

“That scares me. Please. You don’t need to yell, Bear- also- you aren’t an idiot, Richie. He’s just…in a mood.” I said softly and Carm’s cheeks flush red.  

“ok” he muttered, turning back to Richie. “It’s-“ he takes a deep breath. “It’s fine. I have it under control. What I need you t’do, is ask Nat for the login shit for the recruiting website she used to find the runners and shit. Can you handle that f’me while I figure out how this shits gonna work while Syds out?” He asked him calmly, but I could still…feel him. His energy. He’s way too wound up. 

I wish I could just tell him to come home, talk it out with him, I knew all of this rage was just him burying his fear. He was so fucking scared. 

“I can. I can do that” Richie nodded, rubbing the back of his neck. “So- so what’re we doin’ what’s the fuckin plan?” He asked and I give him a look. 

I knew he had to get out of here or Carm was going to rip in to him just because he could. “Richie, Syd just left- like 5 minutes before you came in here? Carmy is still working that out…can you- can you do me a favor?” I asked and his brows raised in surprise. 

“Yea? Yeah. Wha’dyou need?�� He asked. 

“Can you go get that stuff from Nat and then make me a grilled cheese? Eva said you make really good grilled cheese. So Carmy can have some quiet time to figure this out, and you guys can tell everyone what’s going on together.” I look at Carm. 

“Because you don’t have to do everything alone, you’re a team. Breaking difficult news is hard, but when you have the people you love with you, it can make it easier to bare the weight.” I said, looking directly at Carmen. 

Carm nodded, swallowing thickly and biting at the inside of his lip nervously. “Sure- yeah. She uh…she said that?” Richie asked and I smiled, looking over to him once again. 

“She specifically said - ‘My daddy makes the best grilled cheese in the whole wide world’ “ I told him and he smiled a bit, a light blush creeping to his cheeks. 

“Alright well the kid has quite the flare f’dramatics, but I can make a pretty good grilled cheese. Comin’ right up” he said and headed back out to the kitchen, shutting the door behind him. 

Carm got up, locking the door, before coming over to the couch and laying down with his head in my lap. I knew he didn’t have the confidence to ask, so I gently start scratching his head in the way that he liked and his eyes fluttered shut. He let out a deep sigh, like a pressure valve releasing so it wouldn’t explode. 

“So let’s make a plan, baby. I don’t think you need three. I think you know that but you’re planning for someone to drop” I said softly, gently stroking my nails through his hair. 

“Cause someone will drop babe it’s how it fuckin goes. If I hire 2 we’re gonna be left short when one quits because they aren’t as good as the other one.” He said. 

“Well why do you say that, baby?” I asked. 

“Because no one’s gonna fight to be the best when they inevitably find out they’re a temp” he said and I furrow my brows. 

“Carmen. You weren’t planning on hiring someone without telling them right?” I asked and he got quiet. “Carmen. Are you kidding me?! Absolutely not! Oh my god that is so- so mean baby!” I said and his cheeks heat. 

“Well who the fuck is gonna wanna work here when we already have a full fuckin staff?!” He asked annoyed. 

“Because you are the best fucking restaurant in Chicago, are you kidding me baby?! Just like you sent Richie to Ever to gain experience? There are fucking talented chefs Carmy, ones like Richie who don’t have the time to save and go to super nice culinary school like you did and garner that expirience. There would be a line out the door if you were honest and said ‘hey who wants a 2 month opportunity at a luxury fine dining restaurant that’s been nominated for best new restaurant by the JBF in its first year open’ “ I told him. 

He was quiet for a moment, thinking it over. “I guess” he mutters. 

“Babe cmon we can write the posting together. We don’t even have to do all this today. Don’t rush, y’know what would be a good idea?” I ask. He hums in response. “I think, that you should go back out there, work as usual, keep Syd’s stations covered best you can, and we can have a nice Sunday together, relax, recharge, and then we’ll have Palm Sunday dinner with the family, and then on Monday, you can come in fresh and rested with a great plan on what you’ll tell everyone with Richie.” I explain. 

He contemplated for a moment, looking over at the desk in thought before looks up at me, “thank you.” He said softly. I gently caress his cheek with my knuckle. 

“Nothin’ to thank me for, Bear.” I said and he took my hand, placing a gentle kiss to my knuckles. 

“There’s too much to thank you for. We’d be here forever” he mumbled against my fingers with a small smile.  

“You’re getting mushier by the day” I ruffle his hair and the doorknob jiggles. 

“D’you still want this?” Richie calls from outside. 

“Yeah! Sorry” I said getting up when Carmen got off my lap. I opened the door and Richie offers me a plate with 2 grilled cheeses. 

“He hasn’t eaten” he said so only we could hear and I nod. 

“Thank you, best cousin ever” I took the plate. 

“Course, anytime. Oh Carm” he looks to him “user is MBerzatto87 password is fuckin password234.” He said and Carm chuckled a bit. 

“I coulda guessed that shit. But I guess I was hopeful he gave more a shit about cybersecurity” he shook his head. 

“RICHIE. DID YOU TOUCH MY ORANGE ZEST?!” Tina shouts from the kitchen and Richie heads back 

“What the fuck would I need orange zest for?” He yells back as I shut the door, locking it once again. 

“How do things always go missing?” I giggle a bit, sitting next to him and placing the plate on his lap, taking one of the sandwiches and taking a bite. 

“Cause people at the same stations doin’ the same thing will think they already did their orange zest, and just take it.” He said, staring at the plate on his lap. “Also I’m not hungry” he put the plate on the desk. 

I shrugged, putting my sandwich back on the plate. “Okay” I said, brushing off my hands before grabbing my kindle again and continuing to read. 

“What- what’re you doin’ babe. Eat” he said, putting the plate on my lap. 

“I’m not hungry” I said, not looking up from the page. 

“Yes you are, you - you don’t ask for food unless you’re hungry, Winnie.” He said. 

“Mm- I like it when we eat together. I don’t wanna eat by myself so, my appetite is gone.” I lie with a shrug. 

“Y’really gonna be difficult right now?” He asked and in response, I playfully stuck out my tongue before going back to reading. 

“Oh you are a child” he huffs, picking up the untouched sandwich and taking a bite. 

“Oo! I’m hungry again!” I teased, grabbing mine as well and taking another bite. 

He snorts a laugh, rolling his eyes. “Y’re lucky y’cute” he said before taking another bite. 

I smiled, “I love winning you over. It’s my favorite game” I said teasingly. 

“Yeah yeah, I’m just saving myself, you turn into a tiny demon when you’re hungry. Especially on your cycle” he said and I laughed. 

“You’ve learned your lesson though so you don’t have to meet that demon again as long as you keep us fed.” I peel off the crust, setting it on the plate. 

“You don’t like the crust?” He asked. 

“No…well- I don’t know..really. I didn’t as a kid, but Chris did, so I always gave it to him. Never stopped” I said, staring at the crust on the plate as I got lost in memories of sitting in the school cafeteria with Chris over lunch, carefully peeling off the crust after taking my first bite and putting it on the top of the empty ziplock he’d taken his sandwich from. 

“That’s sweet. I’m sure he’s happy you still leave it for him” he said. My heart melts at the sentiment and I gently kissed his cheek before resuming eating my sandwich. 

“I don’t like pickles, so when we were kids- Mikey always picked em off for me.” He says quietly and I looked up at him. It wasn’t often that he brought up stories about Michael, so each one I safely tucked away in my mind where I’d never forget. 

“I love pickles, I could eat a whole jar if you let me. I’ll always take unwanted pickles” I smiled a bit. 

“Ahhh ok. So you’re a sour person not a spicy person. It’s usually one or the other” he said before finishing off his sandwich. 

“Yes- exactly. You like spicy stuff? We haven’t eaten a single spicy thing” I said and he nods. 

“Love spicy shit. But you don’t, so doesn’t really matter” he shrugged. 

“Wha- Carmy. No! No you can eat spicy things, I feel bad. I don’t want it to always be what I like. Just like- make mine less spicy” I said. 

“It’s fine babe, I try spicy stuff here all the time. Plus the food I like with a ton of spice in it is usually Indian and Filipino and shit where the whole profile is about the heat and the spice so-“ I inturrupt him. 

“You like Filipino food?!” I asked and he nods 

“Yeah- why, do you?” He asks and I nod happily 

“My neighbor! Ms.Mendoza! She’s from the Philippines! Before you started bringing me dinner I’d usually stop by her place because she always made too much and asked me if I wanted it, you have to talk to her babe she’s like- amazing! I’m sure you guys will have so much in common she loves cooking- and she has like all these connections back home in the Philippines and they send her spice mixes and stuff for her to try. You have to try this stew- she calls it um..” I think for a moment “inew? Inihaw? Yeah- I think that’s it. Inihaw na leimpo! “ I said excitedly. 

“Oh- the lady- the lady I met?” He asked and I nod. 

“Yeah- I…I never asked- was she there when you got there?” I asked

“She- well” he chuckled. “Almost knocked me out with her cane cause I guess she thought I was trying to break in, cause I heard you screamin’ and I was trying to pick the lock, I told her I was a friend and she didn’t really believe me, but then she saw the flowers and she nearly dropped the keys getting the door open.” He said and my cheeks go pink. 

“I’m…I’m sorry- she’s like….such a grandma. She’s been hounding me about a boyfriend since I moved in don’t mind her pushyness about it. She’s been trying to hook me up with her friends grandsons left and right” I finished off my sandwich. 

“Well, she can stop looking now right?” He asks. 

I brushed my hands off before nervously picking at my nail polish at the question. “What does that mean?” I asked and the room went eerily silent for what felt like minutes. 

“Cause’…” he trails off. “Are you…are you still seeing other people?” He asks and I look over at him. 

“No. No, Carmy. No just you..are you?” I asked and he shook his head. “So…what does that mean?” I asked biting the inside of my lip nervously. 

“I…I dunno…” he looked at the clock. “I uh- I have to get out there, you still wanna hang out here?” He asked. 

I swallowed thickly, realizing that I didn’t want to be here all day if he was just going to run away. 

“So…what Syd said. You’re- you’re my boyfriend now?” I asked and he went pale as a sheet. 

I stare at him, waiting for a response, and he opens his mouth like he was going to say something but he closes it again, nervously rubbing his lips together. 

“Well- are you?” I ask. 

“So- so Y’re like…my girlfriend now?” He asked. 

“That’s my question, am I your girlfriend?” I asked and he shrugged. 

“I guess? I dunno…I’ve never done this I just…kinda assumed?” He said rubbing his neck nervously. 

“Well- I don’t remember you ever asking me…” I nudge his knee with mine gently. 

“You didn’t ask me to be your boyfriend either!!” He said. 

“Because I knew you’d freak out! And like- Y’re a masculine guy Carm I didn’t wanna make you feel insecure!” I exclaim. 

“Okay fine! Will you be my girlfriend?” He asks, a small smile on his lips. 

“Hmmmmm….�� I put my finger to my lips, pretending to contemplate. “Of course I will dummy” I pull him into a deep wanting kiss and he hums happily, gently rubbing over my hip with his palm. 

“Y’know y’mine baby I tell you like every day” he said, his breath fanning my lips. 

I look up at him, biting my lip to contain a grin. “I dunno…I thought you said it just t’like..please me when we fool around, I didn’t know you meant it.” I said softly. 

“I’d never say something I don’t mean baby, everything I tell you I really mean” he leans in, kissing me again. But this kiss was sweeter, somehow more intimate then the last. It felt…truthful. 

I gently cup his cheek, humming softly and he pulls away when the doorknob to the office starts to jiggle and someone pounds on it. 

“Chef?! We need more hands out here if we’re gonna be gettin’ this order out on time are you with us?” Tina calls through the door. 

“Duty calls” he sighs softly. “You know where to find me baby” he kissed my forehead sweetly before heading back out to the kitchen.

➵ 𝐍𝐞𝐱𝐭 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 ♡♡♡

[heavensmockery]

GHOST SONGS/LYRICS which remind me of the boiled one phenomenon

A long overdue post. Requested by @grivachilla

AN: Before we begin. This has been in my head for a while now. We're going to discuss songs which have the boiled one phenomenon vibes and analyze/interpret them from different perspectives and povs in context

1. Deus in Absentia

Sometimes I feel like a lot of the boiled one themes are brought up all across songs of Meliora. It would be no big surprise since Meliora is basically god is dead, deal with it.

But Deus in Absentia specifically is about the apocalypse. The line "and you're here to stay and burn with it" feels pretty much like the speech from Phen about the sky opening up and how your "stuck" with him ("Together we'll be still")

2. Stay

I would say the entire text of stay is pretty much a summary of the boiled one phenomenon. But I think that stay is from phen's perspective and how he attacks/infects people. How you remember him and can't get him out of your head after watching the broadcast and always stuck with the omnipresent fear of ending up in a pseudo coma or simply waking up and phen being there with you. In the screenshot there are lyrics which remind me of that.

3. Rats

Rats is from a different point of view in this context. We all know rats is a cultural significant song for us ghesties but in this context rats could be about the cognitohazard aspect. How it infects you and you're stuck with it. Thinking of it. Knowing it could be in the room because he said so. Also "Beliefs contagious" could be a reference here to the uncertainty if the boiled one even exists on a level beyond the horrid memory. Like we always hear that victims have hallucinations. I have a theory or two about the existence of the boiled one here but that's another story.

4. Faith

Faith is about the boiled one being a sadistic bitch while also being omnipresent and watching human kind turn mad. How he causes a mass nocebo and all it took was a hijacked broadcast. How he watches you fall. It also could be seen on the interpretation of the boiled one being a metaphor of religious trauma, the fear of an omnipresent entity watching every step of your life.

5. Jigolo har Meggido

This is another song from the boiled one's perspective. How he tells you what he really is and how he's here because you decided to "invite him" by watching the broadcast. Mocking your curiosity. The saying "curiosity killed the cat ' being very true here.

6. Watcher in the sky

Another mixture. This pov is from people who try to "find him" or have seen him already trying to ask the others about him. This could be about fear mongering or spreading the existence by discussing it.

"can't you see what I see" specially coming from people who already seen him.

In the end there are a lot of songs who have the boiled one vibes since we have a lot of religious imagery, metaphors etc in the boiled one. Fitting with the narrative of the boiled one. Let me know your thoughts or songs which remind you about the boiled one. Feel free to reblog them!

[blue-mint-winter]

Reading Fire and Blood: Rhaenyra Overthrown

Rhaenyra is reaping the consequences of taking bad advice from Celtigar and Mysaria. She lost Velaryons and the city is turned against her. The idea to tax people for children born out of wedlock was particularly deranged as it basically promotes infanticide on wide scale. And Celtigar knows that. Is he a demon? His previous advice at the start of the war was to burn King's Landing to the ground.

Helaena's suicide is a matter of much speculation. GRRM in his recent deleted blog post said that she killed herself because Mysaria revealed the truth about Maelor's death to her. I'm not sure if he wanted that version of the story to be the one they use in the show or it was his overall true, book version. I'm going to argue with that version though, because it doesn't make much sense to me. For all Helaena knows, one of her children, Jaehaera is still alive and safe. Same with all her brothers. Why would she kill herself after hearing only about Maelor's death? It would make more sense if she did it after losing all her children. Not to mention, what is even Mysaria's motive for sharing the news? Why would she want Helaena to kill herself, they have no personal history and Helaena's death harms Rhaenyra's cause. Mysaria's death after Rhaenyra leaves the city shows that Mysaria wasn't in league with Larys Strong who was behind the anti-Rhaenyra rumours that caused the riots. So, Mysaria didn't get anything out of driving Helaena to suicide.

Additionally, what suicidal person chooses to throw themselves on spikes? It's a painful and gruesome death. There are other, more common and less painful ways to kill yourself. Even if Helaena as a prisoner didn't have any sharp objects, so she couldn't slit her wrists, she could still probably make a rope from bedsheets and hang herself. Compare that with lady Caswell's suicide last chapter - as she hanged herself, she asked Ormund Hightower to spare her children - and it worked. Last reason against Helaena's suicide is the lack of suicide note.

The other theories - she killed herself because she was pregnant with a bastard or because she saw the hanging of Corlys' attempted rescuers (one could have been her lover?) - are rather farfetched. I don't think pregnancy would cause it, unless she was scared of Celtigar's new tax on bastards (lol). Helaena having a lover just has no basis in the text and there's no proof of any connection between her and the two hanged men.

The murder theory is the most probable in my opinion. Someone pushed Helaena out of that window, maybe Mysaria, maybe someone else. We know it wasn't Luthor Largent who had an alibi. Realistically, in the bad situation Rhaenyra got herself by losing Velaryons and all her dragonseeds, the best motive for Helaena's murder is freeing Dreamfyre to be claimed by a new dragonrider. The Blacks needed more dragons to defend the city besides Syrax and small Tyraxes. Dreamfyre is the second oldest dragon and she's large, she could fight Vermithor or Silverwing. Finding a new dragonrider would be problematic because of Rhaenyra's distrust of dragonseeds, however if it was Mysaria's plan all along, she might have been able to convince the queen to let her claim Dreamfyre. Mysaria had Rhaenyra's trust as her master of whisperers, additionally she might have learned more about claiming a dragon from Daemon and/or Nettles. Unfortunately for Mysaria, if this was her plan, it didn't work because of the riots and the killing of all dragons in the King's Landing.

The riots and the storming of Dragonpit felt apocalyptic. It was chaos, anarchy, pandemonium, madness. Rhaenyra watching it all from the roof, losing her son, seeing her reign crash and burn into ashes before her eyes. Great stuff.

Shepherd as the leader of religious fanatics is similar to High Sparrow. Both of them oppose the queen (Cersei/Rhaenyra). It seems that this part of the Dance gives clues to what might happen to Cersei when Aegon VI will march on King's Landing. I see a possible parallel between Helaena and Margaery - both are queens beloved by smallfolk. If Tommen dies, it could be similar to Joffrey Velaryon. Then the situation with 3 kings in the city: Trystane, Gaemon and Shepherd could be more foreshadowing. I wonder if Gendry as the former king's bastard, or anyone else, will show up as a puppet ruler. Perhaps Littlefinger has hidden a child from Cersei or could simply proclaim one to be Robert's.

I have a theory about Shepherd's identity. He's armless and described: "Mushroom names him “the Dead Shepherd,” for he claims the man was as pale and foul as a corpse fresh-risen from its grave". I think Shepherd isn't some random Poor Fellow, but Silver Denys. Silver Denys was a dragonseed that tried to claim Sheepstealer, but the dragon bit off his arm and killed him and his sons. If Denys survived or came back from the grave, then he has all the reason to want revenge on Rhaenyra and all dragons. It just explains Shepherd's hatred and fanaticism.

Someone hacking off Joffrey's foot is only more proof that Larys is behind the riots, like a killer's "business card". It's very possible that Joffrey survived the fall but was killed by Larys' men. Syrax was flying low because stones, arrows and spears could reach her and madden her. Joffrey didn't fall directly on the street, he fell on a steep-pitched roof and slid down on tiles. How could his own sword pierce his belly during the fall? Wasn't it in the scabbard? Joffrey needed both hands to hold on to Syrax, so he probably wasn't holding a naked sword in one hand when he fell. It's more probable that he was stunned, maybe broke some bones during the fall and whoever found him first took his sword and pierced him with it.

Hugh Hammer following a vague prophecy and thinking it's about him (it's not) - he truly has Targaryen blood (lol).

If Addam went to the Isle of Faces, then he could have met Daemon who was waiting in Harrenhal for Aemond. The timeline is fuzzy, but it makes sense for Addam to try appealing to Daemon as Rhaenyra's consort and the only one capable of convincing her that Addam is still loyal. After Addam's escape Rhaenyra issued the orders to kill Nettles. So there's enough time for a meeting between Daemon and Addam before 13 days pass and Daemon fights Aemond. I think it would also make sense for Daemon as the main war strategist on Black side to give Addam a battle plan to win at Tumbleton and instruct him about gathering the army of riverlords.

I hope Daeron wasn't killed by Black Trombo because that's just too lame and embarrassing. An unknown soldier or dying in fire is better than Black Trombo.

Hobert Hightower used a gentle poison in the wine to kill Ulf the White, causing him to die in his sleep. This could be the answer to some murder mysteries in this book, like High Septon's death during Maegor's reign. Even Viserys' death is suspect again, as he died at a very convenient timing for the Greens, before Rhaenyra's sons and their dragons were fully grown.

Rhaenyra's decision to return to Dragonstone when she had other, safer options with her allies like the Vale or White Harbour, proves that she wasn't thinking straight. Even if she hatched a dragon, it would be too small to help her in the war. Claiming Grey Ghost or Cannibal had extremely low chances of success. Rhaena literally had 3 dragon eggs in the Vale with her! In addition, the garrison at Dragonstone was made of dregs and men of questionable loyalty. So going to Dragonstone was all around pointless and the worst option Rhaenyra could have picked.

Speaking of Dragonstone garrison, the description resembles Night's Watch. Even Alfred Broome sounds like Alliser Thorne.

I kind of like Aegon and Sunfyre - they're both survivors.

Baela - brave, but foolish. If she ran away and warned Black allies about Aegon, this could have ended very differently. Having a dragon really makes people overconfident.

Sunfyre became a true cannibal by eating Moondancer and then Rhaenyra.

It is rather poetic that Rhaenyra hurting and exploiting people in various ways during her rise ultimately leads to her downfall. The smallfolk in King's Landing suffered her taxes and executions, Helaena's and her sons' deaths destroyed Rhaenyra's reputation, Corlys was unjustly imprisoned, people on Dragonstone lost relatives to the Sowing, Shepherd/Silver Denys was taking revenge for his sons, Hugh and Ulf weren't suitably rewarded, Alfred Broome was passed over and didn't get a deserved promotion. Rhaenyra didn't receive help at Rosby because she didn't give the inheritance to the older sister but to her baby younger brother. Others in Crownlands weren't eager to help her because they lost relatives that were loyal to Rhaenyra or their castles became too weakened after Cole sacking them earlier.

Rhaenyra dying at the age of 33 just punctuates the tragedy. She was still so young.

All in all, this was a terrific chapter.

[officialinuyasha]

Canon - Cultural Differences

What is Canon? "a collection or list of sacred books accepted as genuine." Originated from religious texts then it was used in Fiction which became more known especially as a Western concept. "The Politics of Film Canon" by Janet Staiger in 1985 https://www.jstor.org/stable/1225428

Canon in Western VS Japanese Media Mod Esther Esther Xiao Jia Jia: “There is no such thing as canon in Japan, so anything that approved by Rumiko is considered as official. Japanese and other non Anglospheric fans take something with huge similarities as a part of a group, rather than separating it because of differences. Canon is merely a term that created by Anglospheric fans”

Well-known Naruto translator OrganicDinosaur speaks about the subject of "Canon" https://twitter.com/OrganicDinosaur/status/1101961667397763074 They said: "A lot of people ask me about distinguishing what’s considered ‘canon’ or not, but honestly it’s a Western concept. I rarely encounter media disclaimers that say 公式設定 (Official Setting) or 二時創作 (Derivative Work) when it comes to delineating products/anime/manga/novels.

Certainly, I haven’t seen a staff interview where they explicitly use these terms when it comes to Boruto. In general, I tend to notice that JP fans accept all mediums as part of the real timeline. Contradictory events are basically still accepted that it “happened”… Somehow.

I spent two hours today talking to some of my JP friends and they were completely surprised about how much Western fans nitpick individual anime episodes and novels for how ‘canon’ they are. They never realized fans could “reject” particular parts of a franchise. 😂"

What Sunrise thinks is Official https://otakurevolution.com/content/gundam-what-sunrise-thinks-is-official “Watanabe: Regardless of whether it’s part of the formal mythology or something that Sunrise oversaw, the basis of what counts as “official” is whatever is in the footage. “

InuYasha Yashahime Translator Ayuuria speaks on the subject https://ayuuria.tumblr.com/post/640974253932560384/is-it-true-that-yashahime-isnt-canon-because "Rumiko-sensei is actually more involved in the series than we realized. I’m currently translating the Livedoor News Interview and it gives a lot of insight on the writing and creation process of the anime. I should have that done next week. Canon is more of a Western term. I personally consider it canon but to each their own. From what I’ve seen, the JP fandom has been mostly supportive."

I asked Ayuuria what word Hideyuki Tomioka used for "canon" at Anime Boston 2018 for the InuYasha Panel https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=acn1q9X30qs "He didn't really use a word for canon so to speak. He said Gensaku which means the original/source work (aka the work the anime is based off of)"

What the word “canon” actually means (Japan vs The West) https://fuck-yeah-gruvia.tumblr.com/post/622928679634386944/what-the-word-canon-actually-means-japan-vs-the "There is not a one-to-one translation for “canon” in the Japanese language, as it is a very western concept. However, they do have their own word for it, which is the actual definition of canon. In Japan, the word for canon is 公式 (kōshiki/official). But their perception of what constitutes official is different than that of the west."

The Story in Which Doosh Taught Hiro Mashima the Word, “Canon" https://koori-mizu.tumblr.com/post/167038684341 dooshiedoosh: "The Japanese Kodansha staff asked what we called it in America, so I flipped over the sign and showed them “Gruvia is canon.” What followed, is Mashima asking the translator what the word “canon” meant. I ended up replying, “official, together, real couple in the story.”"

Masahiro Ito dislikes Westerners always pushing the idea of "Canon" https://twitter.com/adsk4/status/1263288565980475392 "I hate the word "canon" they use frequently. :-] I really really really hate the people who always push his idea on other people." He also explains the four endings of Silent Hill are all "canon" the official endings or else they would not have made them. https://twitter.com/adsk4/status/1653201608556306433

Maromi Ika talks about the drama of Antis VS Proshippers https://twitter.com/maromi_ika/status/1626242873715998723 "I hate to have to tell you this story, but I have decided that I need to explain it in English because some people keep harassing me and my followers It is very long and in English using a translator, so some of the intent may not be understood, but please be sure to read it all First of all, I am Japanese and live in Japan. The idea or concept of Propshipper does not exist in Japan. All that is required to publish a work in Japan is zoning, and in fiction, all depictions are allowed, and It is considered an ugly act to speak ill of someone's work, no matter what their taste is. Some people advise me to block the person you are following because he/she is a proshipper. I do not discriminate against them as long as they are properly zoned. That is the rule in Japan"

Westerners and Easterners see the world differently

Source -

Chinese and American people see the world differently – literally. While Americans focus on the central objects of photographs, Chinese individuals pay more attention to the image as a whole, according to psychologists at the University of Michigan, in Ann Arbor, US.

“There is plenty of anecdotal evidence suggesting that Western and East Asian people have contrasting world-views,” explains Richard Nisbett, who carried out the study. “Americans break things down analytically, focusing on putting objects into categories and working out what rules they should obey,” he says.

By contrast, East Asians have a more holistic philosophy, looking at objects in relation to the whole. “Figuratively, Americans see things in black and white, while East Asians see more shades of grey,” says Nisbett. “We wanted to devise an experiment to see if that translated to a literal difference in what they actually see.”

The researchers tracked the eye-movements of two groups of students while they looked at photographs. One group contained American-born graduates of European descent and the other was comprised of Chinese-born graduate students who came to the US after their undergraduate degrees.

Each picture showed a striking central image placed in a realistic background, such as a tiger in a jungle. They found that the American students spent longer looking at the central object, while the Chinese students’ eyes tended to dart around, taking in the context.

Harmony versus goals

Nisbett and his colleagues believe that this distinctive pattern has developed because of the philosophies of these two cultures. “Harmony is a central idea in East Asian philosophy, and so there is more emphasis on how things relate to the whole,” says Nisbett. “In the West, by contrast, life is about achieving goals.”

Psychologists watching American and Japanese families playing with toys have also noted this difference. “An American mother will say: ‘Look Billy, a truck. It’s shiny and has wheels.’ The focus is on the object,” explains Nisbett. By contrast, Japanese mothers stress context saying things like, “I push the truck to you and you push it to me. When you throw it at the wall, the wall says ‘ouch’.”

Nisbett also cites language development in the cultures. “To Westerners it seems obvious that babies learn nouns more easily. But while this is the case in the West, studies show that Korean and Chinese children pick up verbs – which relate objects to each other – more easily.

“Nisbett’s work is interesting and suggestive,” says John Findlay, a psychologist specialising in human visual attention at Durham University, UK. “It’s always difficult to put an objective measure on cultural differences, but this group have made a step towards that.”

Nisbett hopes that his work will change the way the cultures view each other. “Understanding that there is a real difference in the way people think should form the basis of respect.”

[arwainian]

Reading This Week 2024 #43

hello hello it has been a bit of a weird week of ups and downs. really excellent movie times with friends, good food, and halloween crossdressing, but also a long approaching break up finally got made official today. my reading has not slowed down in the slightest though so let's talk about it!

Finished:

The Twyford Code by Janice Hallet, narrated by Thomas Judd I think this book is really one that should best be enjoyed in audiobook format. Like yeah okay there's some reasons you'd want the text version if you're a person who likes to try to solve the mysteries in mystery novels and want to highlight or take note of certain parts, but the conceit is that these are transcripts of audio messages left by a severely dyslexic man who uses them for notetaking/journaling while trying to uncover a mystery. as I said last week I got really attached to our main character Steve

Frieren: Beyond Journey's End, Vol. 5 written by Kaneshiro Yamada, art by Tsukasa Abe, translated by Misa 'Japanese Ammo' I am not particularly interested in this first-class mage exam arc that Frieren and co have been on for this volume. Idk i just find it much less charming than the sort of adventure of the week style that had been the previous pacing. I'll take a break reading this for a bit and see if it has its charm for me again after a little away. The anime is definitely on my to-watch list now

"Male Sexual Victimization: Examining Men's Experiences of Rape and Sexual Assault" by Karen G. Weiss glad i read this for myself after seeing it cited in another work

click by hornyonside (birdlord5000) on ao3 tender sky/fourteen fifteen smut that's a good time

Whitewater Foxholes by Aterikakaal (Biorenewologist) on ao3 Phyrgian has a disappointing hookup with Corrasion bc they are home sick for other branched :,(

to remake ourselves by evilmageclub on ao3 read for shapeshifting samsam smut

when the moon has gone to bed by blacksatinpointeshoes on ao3 if you would like to cry over a Fero/Samol modern au, might i recommend this fic? go forth and witness Fero as just some guy you meet in Boston

"The Third Sex" by Talia Bhatt on substack

"Degendering and Regendering" by Talia Bhatt on substack read some of Talia Bhatt's transfeminist essays this week. highly HIGHLY recommend reading "The Third Sex" if you have ever heard of hijra being described as "India's religiously venerated third gender" because Bhatt does some vital recontextualization with that

Longbourn by Jo Baker, narrated by Emma Fielding A great supplementary read to Pride and Prejudice, spinning up a dramatic story for the servants of Longbourn that only mildly intersects with the trials and tribulations of the Bennets. Since it was written in 2013 is reckons a little bit more with racial and class politics for regency England in a way that Austen's work did not explicitly. not perfectly but in a way that made me sit up in my seat reading it. the romances in this makes my heart ache like crazy

blind item by blacksatinpointeshoes on ao3 tabloid fic of clementine kesh's school years

Magic's Promise by Mercedes Lackey, narrated by Gregory St. John I need to incorporate the ways this book handles sexual coercion and violence towards minors as well as incest into my thesis somewhere, at the very least to point at it as a thing the fantasy genre deals with. it is fascinatingly frank

The Mysterious Case of the Alperton Angels by Janice Hallet, read by Annie Aldington, Nneka Okoye, Gareth Armstrong, Sid Sagar, and Kristin Atherton I guess having key characters make up fake people that seem as real as the rest in the epistolary format is Hallet's signature

Started/Ongoing:

John Dies at the End by David Wong (Jason Pargin's psuedonym) reading for SFF book club. I am finding it incredibly abrasive tonally....

The Well of Loneliness by Radclyffe Hall oh poor Stephen.... so my copy is like subtitled as a classic work of lesbian literature, but to be clear, it is also very easy to interpret it through a transgender lens

[talenlee]

Pride Month 2024!

It’s the introduction of another theme month, and this time around it’s the month of Corporations Conspicuously Caring About Queer People, and people showing their ass about how good or bad they are about publically presenting information about types of queerness. I’m sure I’ve said something aphobic on a June, but also, my hand has been stabbed, you know I’m from inside the city and I’m not doing these things out of a desire to support the structure and you know, watching, listening, learning and growing, apology video on my Patreon. Joking aside, point is, you know what kind of person I am and why I might say ‘faggotry.’

Anyway, time to talk about what to expect in Pride Month and what it means. And I need to do it without just pointing directly to the article I wrote on this from last year that I honestly think is kind of perfect for summarising my feelings about why we need Pride Month and why I do Pride Month content in Pride Month.

I think I’ve softened a lot on ‘queer media’ in the month. Not as that implies – I’m not about to act like Fire Emblem or Persona series games are games to talk about in this period in the way to promote them. I know that ‘Queer Media’ was an umbrella opened up over things that were in many cases actively awful about and to queer readings, and that used to drive me nuts. I’d put out the call like ‘hey, does anyone know media with this [trait]’ and despite media of that trait existing I’d get someone popping up to talk to me about something horrendously not an answer to the problem and then someone else well-meaning would take this as a conversation about that thing and not about my initial question and suddenly I was dealing with people babbling about something that was actively irritating me.

Originally I had some pretty stringent views on queer media. It was something in the vein that the work needed to explicitly have at least one queer character who was specifically and correctly defined by the narrative, rather than it being impressions and vibes. The idea I think I had was something to the effect of trying to forward media created for queer purposes rather than just relying on fan media to build up the queerness around it.

This particular position softened, of all things, because of Star Trek: Deep Space 9. And make no mistake: I don’t actually think that highly of the bulk of a series about a religious motivated dad leading a specialist religious movement where the whole story farts out at the end. It’s the 90s, it’s a Star Trek, they’re all a bit rough and ropy, whatever. But for a time there I kinda had a negative view of the Garak/Bashir relationship that was treated as a element of the show’s queer representation. And like, that was interesting but it was also very much not text – we get to see Garak even establish a relationship with… a really creepy young lady, but whatever whatever that’s not important.

The point is that I thought that that was basically something like fanon. It seemed a kind of compromise, and I think I didn’t need that kind of compromise was acceptable. I wanted to platform queer media and that meant indulging in smaller and more indie work in an attempt to platform people.

Low key, this was a way in which I acted as if the creator of a work is a person who even exists, and that’s just not true.

And then we got to see interviews, now, decades later, with the actors – both of them – who played those characters, who made it very, very clear: Garak is trying to get Bashir into bed. This relationship is not straight. It has that tension, it’s not a thing we’re imagining, it’s a thing they tried to put into the story. And sure, they are, at this point, the same as fans, but they’re fans who had the choice to actually influence the making of the work. By discarding Deep Space 9 from ‘Queer Media’ because it’s not Queer enough I’m creating the impression that queer creators don’t get to be included because they might have been filtering their work through other lenses. It reminds me of Hannah Gadsby’s Nanette, where again, they said in response to the request for lesbian content, ‘I was on stage the whole time.’

Plus, I mean, most of the media I make, the books and the games and the TTRPG stuff, that’s all queer content but you’ll find surprisingly few directions of who sucks or fucks what or does not ever suck or fuck. One Stone doesn’t have a seriously straight character in the entire dialogue and I’ve written about how Cobrin’Seil is a world where ‘queer identities’ don’t even come up because the idea of queerness you exist with is a modern construct and if nobody wrote a book about how it was messed up in the modernist era, then there might be a wholly different set of values about that. The main way stuff I make ‘is queer’ is as a byproduct of me being the one who made it, which is to say I’ve gotten my queer cooties all over things, and if that’s the case then I kinda gotta be a little more giving to the work that is even aggressively heterosexual because it’s still art by queer artists working within constraints that were ultimately, not ideal.

Anyway, point is that that means that I was willing to approach the Pride Month media with a slightly wider arm, to grab in stuff that may have more of these transient properties, more work that’s made to highlight someone who is or has that queer element, someone bringing something to the forefront that isn’t necessarily as nakedly, tangibly obvious as like, the gag at the end of Paranorman. I got to watch a bunch of youths watch The Matrix for the first time last month and it was a trip watching as people who grew up in the world it shaped who had no idea how freaking queer it was.

The bricks the flower breaks to bloom are part of why and how it blossoms.

Check it out on PRESS.exe to see it with images and links!

[dp-marvel94]

Meta for Face to Face Chapter 54

First off, thank to anyone who read this chapter and this long post. This chapter was one of the most self indulgant things I have ever written. XD So many concert memories went into it. I'll talk about some of them below. There are also links to the songs "performed in the chapter" as well as some videos of each band performing live. As I told my sister after I wrote the scenes at the beginning when the trio met Josh and Travis, writing dialogue for the real people felt like playing with dolls, but in the worst, most embarrassing possible way. (Don't worry, I actually got permission from everyone featured, but more about that at the end). So I watched a lot of videos and tried my best to make everything accurate and use actual quotes when I could.

Chaotic Resemblance- Travis and the rest of the guys are from Oklahoma if that helps with imagining his accent. It's not particularly unique but when I was writing him this chapter and trying to remember how he speaks, that twang is what my brain kept remembering. Travis and all the guys are super nice, awesome to talk to. And on the short list of irl people who know about my fic writing.

Two songs are mentioned in the chapter. First- "Virtual Reality"

And Second- "Riot Anthem". Live video here. The band played this song the first time I saw them and I remember that set vividly for how much fun this song was. It definitely pushed me to run back to the merch table and buy a cd.

Relent- The first song mentioned is "Ghost," of the famed T shirt which I have Danny buy and which I bought irl. XD

"Heavy" - (Video of this song at Uprise 2022). The words I have Miggy say before the song are based on his commentary on the lyric book for their album. "Rape. Sexual Manipulation. Sex Trafficking. The devasting emotions that come with it. This song is my wife’s story, and I'm honored to tell it. She’s been through so much. She has come out victorious, and now her story will help millions, breaking the silence around topics not talked about enough." Admittedly, much heavier (no pun intended) than the blurb in the fic. But when applying the song to Danny and his story, I needed to make some changes.

I have Heavy be a emotionally significant song for Danny in this chapter. When I was thinking about his reaction to each band and songs I wanted to feature, I realized that it made sense for that song to be the token "song you cry to". It just made sense, having previously said that he listened to the album a bunch of times and having him list Heavy as a favorite, that that song would have had an emotional impact. I really wish I had thought to put that fact in the text before now so that little character moment doesn't feel like it come from nowhere. But what are you gonna do? 🤷‍♀️

(A bit of religious discussion below)

Also, I have Danny talk to the band a little bit about what the song meant to him, something I've done and seen done with many bands before. The band offers to pray with him and though that has never happened personally with me with Relent (of the 4 bands here, they are actually the one I have seen the fewest times and know the least), I have had other Christian musicianaries (musicians who view their touring and performing as a ministry) offer to pray with me and I have accepted that offer. Not including that moment would have been a disservice, considering how much I love all these groups and respect what they stand for. But I decided to cut away from the actual scene to give a sense of privacy. It felt right for something often so tender.

And the last song, played when Danny first spots Johnny- "Last Days"

GFM- Cries in GFM broken up. 😭 Seriously though, this band consisted of three sisters, who went they started we all teens. I realized after writing the chapter that for the time I am imaging for the story (just before they disbanded last year), calling the oldest two teens would be inaccurate; CJ and Maggie are both in their early twenties. But I decided to keep it since them all being teens would make the group cooler in the Phantom trio's eyes. And I should mention, they're not entirely out of the scene though; the basest and screamer, Maggie, still tours and makes music under her name, Magdalene Rose.

As for the songs featured- The one during sound check is "Give me a Sign"

S.M.I.L.E- (Live video) The song where Jack gets in the circle pit. XD Inspired by my dad getting in circle pit at metal shows. He's 53 now and broke his leg last year, messing up his knee pretty badly, so his moshing days are over. But as recently as Warped tour 2017, he was still doing it. I'm over here too clumsy and short to even think about it; just head banging is good enough for me, thanks. 🤣

And the last song- "I don't need your fantasy" A Sam Manson song if I've ever heard one. Also, this is the song with the famed cupcakes. (Sadly, I couldn't find a video of this on YouTube to demo 😥) I really wanted to write about the ridiculous fanatical joy that comes with having icing and cake thrown at you during a metal show. 🤣 Words can't really capture the experience but I tried.

The Protest- In the chapter, the trio meets Josh at the merch tables before the show. This is very reminiscent of when I met him actually. This was in 2016. My sister and I drove about 2 hrs for the show; they were playing with another band we knew of and we'd heard a few songs by The Protest on a local radio station. We arrived super early and went to the door of the tiny church they were playing in to beg to use the restroom before the doors opened. Josh came right up to us before we even got to the restroom. He introduced himself as Josh, asked our names, shook our hands, and said he was excited we were here tonight. And the whole time, I was thinking about needing to use toilet and didn't even realize who he was until the show started. XD The band was significantly less popular then but I know from going to a dozen plus shows since then, he (and the rest of the guys in the band) are like that with everyone. So I am being absolutly serious in the chapter; Josh Bramlett is one of the kindest, most genuine people I know.

The first song is "Paper Tiger." The sound goes out because of Shadow, during this song and the guitarist stales for time. His name is Adam, nickname Sarge, but I couldn't figure out how to put that in the text. The joke that he tells in the one his real life counterpart suggested when I asked him in March. I also based rest of the what he said during technical malfunctions (the joke about being voted out of the band) during their set when I saw them last October with Disciple.

The next song- "Welcome to the Freakshow" This is my favorite song of theirs to hear live. It's so much fun to head-bang/dance to! Also, Maddie films her son instead of the band, as my mom likes to do to me and my sister. 😝

This message in between the songs- This is word for word part of what Josh said during their set at Kingdom Come Festival 2022; I looked up the video (Message starts at 31:40) and recorded what he said word-for-word to be accurate to Josh and the guy's conviction and the heart behind what they do. It was really important to me that I was authentic there, since I love these guys and what they stand for so much.

And the last song- "Valor." When I was trying to pick which song to end on, I wanted a very specific feeling. I told my sister I was trying to describe that rare moment when you're singing your heart out and you met someone else's eyes and they're singing the same words with the same passion. There's a moment of connection and you know you both believe every single word. I asked what Protest song it should be and she said "Valor." So I went with it.

Guardians of the Children- From their website.

Guardians of the Children is a nonprofit 501(c)3 organization comprised of motorcycle enthusiasts  that use motorcycles as tools to help children who have overcome child abuse, ages 0-17, become strong, confident, and courageous again. Once a  child has made an outcry of abuse and the criteria for our support is met, that child is “adopted” into our family as a Little Guardian. Members of G.O.C will escort the child to court, attend school and social events at the child’s request, provide protection and support, and sponsor “Little Guardian” private events, yearly. The goal of these events is to provide a safe space where the Little Guardians can have fun,socialize with others that have experienced similar trauma, and forget for a moment about the fear, doubt, and insecurity that was forced upon them at such a young age. Every child has all the  power and strength within themselves, just like a motorcycle on the  open road, and the biker behind it, we just encourage them to unleash it  as we fight their demons together.

A few years I went to a show they hosted at a local park, featuring GFM and Chaotic Resemblance, hence the similarities to the concert here.

Gotta Rock ‘em all Tour - This is the name of the tour The Protest hosted in March this year, thought the line up was different from the one imagined here (In real life, Behold the Beloved, Relentless Flood, and The Protest). I was lucky enough to see them on this tour. And got to tell the guys about this chapter. 😳😅😊 Honestly, it was one of the most embarrassing thing's I've ever done but in good conscious, I couldn't not say anything, especially since I have talked to Josh about my writing before.

(Religious discussion to follow)

Their song "Greater" had been really important for me, to remind me about why I do what I do. And at KCF last year, I talked with him about that song and our shared conviction for a little bit. From the song:

"I don't do it for the money Don't do it for the fame As long as someone listens, I don't care who knows my name I don't do it for the glory Don't do it for the game I do it all to make them see this is all for something greater than me"

My goal isn't to write for the comments, hits, or bookmarks. Not being well known in the fandom or well liked by people. I write for a greater purse. And this greater thing is Jesus Christ and his kingdom. I love Jesus for who He is and what He's done for me, in and through me (and that is a whole long, complex story there). But a small part: I fervently believe writing these stories is one of the reasons God put me here and gave me the interests I do (yes, including DP) and the talent in writing I have. From the messages I sent to The Protest and the other bands in this chapter, asking if they wanted to take a look at the chapter.

"I write this story for fun and post because I love the characters and the community of other people who do too. But I also see it as a mission field, as a way to write about God's love and grace and show it to people who otherwise wouldn't hear. This chapter is also a love letter to the Christian Rock community as a whole. I love you guys, your music, and the community a lot. The Protest, other bands, and fellow fans have had a huge impact on my life: encouraging me, inspiring me, reminding me of Jesus's love and strengthening my conviction to serve Him. The Protest inspires me to write, ministering in the way I know I've been called."

The point is: I put a lot of heart into this story and all my others. I pray that God will guide my words and be glorified in them. I pray that the people who need to read them will, and they will be encouraged, strengthened and inspired. And most importantly- that God will speak to them, not me. That they will, that you will, see just a hint of His love and grace in what I write and in how I interact with people in this community. I pray that lives will be changed, even in small ways. That seeds will be planted, even if I never see them grow.

I love all of you.