#and i told her that she was being disrespectful about trans/nonbinary people and that this is an ongoing issue

[certifiedsexed]

gen/good faith question — is it disrespectful to lesbians or queer people in general if i were to identify as a he/him lesbian?

for context: i’ve always known i was into girls, and for some of my life, i considered myself a girl as well. there was nothing about me that made me want to make that choice, other than the fact that i was perceived by everyone around me as a girl and expected to be one.

and then i started to question my gender. i don’t really feel intrinsically as though i have a gender, but at the same time, certain forms of gendered language and some forms of gender expression make me happy and comfortable. at the same time, some forms of both those things don’t.

the thing is, most gendered language (i’m only using this here for clarity — i know that really no language is gendered and people can use whatever terms, pronouns etc to refer to themselves and that doesn’t have to correspond to stereotypical gender that usually goes with that term) and most gender expression that i enjoy are both usually correspond to those used by men, and sometimes those used by nonbinary people. for example — i like being called a guy, i like referring to myself a person, i like dressing in traditionally ‘masc’ clothes, and i would love to be perceived as androgynous sometimes.

but also, on the flip side, i usually like traditionally ‘female’ gendered language and expressions applied to me. this is a bit of a nuanced thing for me, though! i love wearing dresses and looking ‘feminine’, but only really in private, because to me they’re an example of cross dressing or messing with the gender binary because i don’t consider myself a girl (i don’t consider myself ‘anything’ in regards to gender, as mentioned above — i think the term is agender?), but most people don’t see it that way since i’m usually perceived as female, which puts me off it. additionally, i like she/her pronouns, but only at certain times, and not very often. i would also consider myself genderfluid, in the sense that the pronouns i’m comfy with change… however, usually, those pronouns are he/him, and often they’re they/them, but only occasionally she/her.

so people have asked why i consider myself a lesbian if i feel this way, and that’s due to a lot of factors. it’s because i was always certain of my sexuality before i was certain of my gender (and before i out conscious effort into thinking about it), and so identifying as a lesbian has and still does influence how i see and interact with the world. also, i’m not someone who will ever be able to pass in general society as anything but female — i have d cups, a high voice, am often told i’m ‘pretty’, and am very curvy. so i also identify as a lesbian because as someone who doesn’t intend to do much in the way of medical gender affirming care, the fact that i am constantly perceived as a woman unless i say so (and that’s not always respected) does also have a bearing on how i experience the world too.

i don’t know, i’m just really confused about if i can use this term or not. i’ve spent a long long time agonising over what discovering my gender identity and what that means for me will affect my sexuality, and a lot of that agony now no longer comes from not knowing about myself, but from feeling like i’m being disrespectful. i don’t want to hurt the queer community, specifically lesbian woman, or trans guys, and i feel like i’m doing both. but on the other hand… he/him usually really fits me. lesbian usually feels right too. i took a long time to come to terms with both of those, and so they feel very hard-won — like i can finally exist knowing who i am, and so to not be able to deceive myself in the way i’ve tried really hard to find is something that makes me really sad. but i would love any advice! :)

There is no way for your pronouns to be disrespectful to someone else unless we're talking about your pronouns being slurs that do not apply to you. Your pronouns have nothing to do with anyone else [exception aside].

Your sexuality is also no one else's business but your own. You don't have to justify your pronouns or your sexuality: they are not hurting anyone. You are not hurting anyone.

None of what you're talking about is disrespectful to anyone. Its just your personal identity. That has nothing to do with anyone else.

All of this has no affect on the lesbian or trans community by large except that one more he/him lesbian becomes apart of it, which is actually a win!

If you makes you happy, go for it! If it feels right, go for it! It sounds like you've found a label and pronouns for you and that's awesome! Congratulations. <3

I hope this helps! Let me know if you have any other questions. <3

[queer-advice-hotline]

Hi! Not rlly used to talking about this type of stuff - but I figured I should maybe see if anyone had ever been in a similar situation or anything.

long story btw...

TW for mentions of homophobia ig

Okay so, for many years I was under the impression that my mother was actually completely and utterly fine with the queer community and I found out not that long ago that that was apparently not true.

For some background info to how I thought that ig - my mum often worked for very long hours and I adored all the time I could spend with her when she wasn't working. To me she was a role model and due to most likely being 'too young' I didn't get to hear a lot of her opinions about certain things (such as the queer community, but also other things) and built up an image of my mother in my mind who would always support me and constantly told myself how lucky I was bc there were so many ppl out there who didn't have the same fortune and probably never felt like they could connect with their mothers.

I however found out when I was in my first yr of highschool (yr 7 where i am) that she actually wasn't as open minded as I'd hoped.

I started hearing her talk about how she didn't believe a trans man could ever be a man/how a trans woman could never be a woman. Making comments on how ppl who were nonbinary didn't make sense/couldn't exist and how they/them pronouns were dumb and how anyone who didn't identify with either gay, straight or bi was weird. She also made comments about how she was willing to use a trans person's pronouns in front of them if they made sense (she/her or he/him only) and didn't bother when they weren't around bc she thought it didn't matter.

She also was always talking about how she didn't want people talking about this stuff all the time and how she was so annoyed by ppl constantly making children's media queer - to a point where last year she started feeling like there was a possibility that I was being exposed to too much queer media (I was trying to borrow books that had queer characters cause I grew up not all that knowing of the Lgbtqai community) and started banning me from buying/borrowing books that she thought were 'too gay' or 'too queer' and not even letting me touch the ones with trans characters - which was odd bc we'd watched movies with queer ppl in it before and she'd been fine with it! (mostly with them as background characters or not the MC e.g. Mitch and Cam + their friends in Modern Family). She then started going through my books I borrowed to make sure they weren't queer.

She seemed okay with other people being bi or gay irl but when she talked to me she often said things like 'you can be anything u want except gay or trans' and 'no bringing home a boy until ur 18 and no bringing home any girlfriends every - and nothing other either (derogative)' as well as often talking about how she wants to find me a church boy with similar ideals to my family's ones.

This has been rlly upsetting - I figured out I was aro early on, however with my mother's reactions I fear she would most likely invalidate me/try and get me a bf anyway. Also I realised that I wasn't cis (nonbinary or agender) and now I'm scared that if I ever transition too much (bc I want to get a binder and possibly one day have top surgery and I want to get masc haircuts and all that) or actually start going by a diff name in public + diff pronouns that she might just through me out or send me back to my home country to 'set me straight' bc where I'm from being queer is not common (even though we have managed to make gay marriage legal).

This is also bad not just bc of me but bc I have friends who r queer who have been huge helps and I always wanted them to feel safe around me and my family however now I'm scared to ever so much as introduce some of them to my parents in fear of them being misgendered/disrespected or her banning me from seeing them.

I always hear ppl talking about cutting off their families or learning to live without them when they're older but I'm the eldest and expected to look after my parents when they get older. Not to mention - I have a brother who is 13 yrs younger then me and though sometimes I feel as if I don't quite feel the emotional connection I should (won't be getting into that) I also don't want him to grow up without some sort of other older guidance as I feel like he is very different to me and also when I was younger my parents worked a lot with allowed me to have more perspective on the world other then theirs were-as my brother will most likely have their opinions shoved down his throat and I can't stand the thought of him growing up to be some weird 'alpha-male' type who pushes down his feelings, is homophobic/transphobic and decides that he doesn't like anyone different. This would mean that I most likely wouldn't be able to leave him until he was around 18 too and I have so much family that I genuinely don't think that I'd be able to leave them all behind + I don't want to have to be scared to enjoy my own culture (bc I am from a small island and my family has a lot of ties + is rlly big and I wouldn't be able to go far without someone mentioning my father, mother, cousins, or grandparents).

I genuinely habe no idea what to do or if there is a solution to my problems or if i'd have to one day simply come out and be prepared for my family to hate me or if i'd just have to keep a huge part of me secret until I died but I thought it'd be better to share then to bottle all this up

I seems like a pretty complicated situation, so knowing what exactly to do is tricky.

I definitely don't think you should come out to your family now. The chances of you being disowned, thrown out, or something else seems pretty high. If you decide you want to come out, I think waiting until you are living on your own or at least are independent from your family is the best and safest option.

Anyone with other advice feel free to share.

[random2908]

(My starting point is that I think egg jokes in general are disrespectful of people's right to determine their own gender. Like, they can be done in a way that threads that needle, and is respectful and fun, but it's rare. Just leave people alone.)

I have exactly one friend who I trust to make egg jokes to/about me (I'm a cis woman). They are transfem; we have known each other since we were teenagers (i.e. the majority of our lives); and, during their late-egg stage, we had a ton of conversations together about gender where we maybe weren't on the same page, but we were at least clearly in the same book, and didn't feel like any of our other friends got it at all. After some years, they closed that book and opened a different one, but we do still have that understanding of each other, and I trust them to understand where I am and where I am not. Pushing boundaries a little for the sake of a joke, when you understand where those boundaries are and wouldn't truly try to push someone across them--that's ok, that's just teasing.

However. I have far more often had the experience of people calling me nonbinary specifically to delegitimize women who are successful in STEM. This is a real thing that happens. It mostly comes from cis people, not trans people, but I'm really leery of anyone who comes to me saying something similar.

(The example that stands out most is a woman I went to school with quoting her then-boyfriend and now-ex-husband. She told me--completely out of the blue--that he'd said he could never be attracted to me because I was a physicist and therefore nonbinary. This woman is a physics teacher; he was literally just intending to neg her about her own career (that's the kind of toxic their relationship was at the time, he was constantly pulling that kind of shit about all topics relating to her), and he never even meant it to get back to me. But she was using it to say that she was a real woman and I was not--and not even figuratively not a real woman, she was outright claiming I was secretly nonbinary--because she had stayed in the pink-collar lane and successfully bagged a man.)

But also when someone uses the wrong pronouns/address for me it's almost always because they forgot that they're in a context that allows women. For the most recent example, I was in a work meeting a few weeks ago that was partly in-person and partly teleconference, and one guy signed out of the conference call with a polite farewell of, "Gentlemen." In addition to my having been very vocal throughout the meeting--one of the top two or three most active speakers from my delegation--his own delegation had sent a woman among their in-person representatives. But in the moment, without the visual of being physically in the room, he completely forgot about the possibility that there even could be women in a room full of people talking about quantum tech.

So, when I constantly run into people thinking no women could be in my position, it's no surprise that egg jokes about me invariably take that as a starting point and follow it to the logical conclusion that, because I am there, I can't be a woman. If it were about me, and suggesting I'm personally masculine, it would be so much less offensive--in fact, there are ways in which I am androgynous/masculine, so as long as a joke referenced those and not my career it wouldn't be offensive at all*. And if it did reference my career, if it were a joke about how people in technical fields are much more likely to turn out to be trans in either direction, that would be so much better--even if it would annoyingly still be ignoring me as an individual person in order to make claims about my gender counter to my own self-identification--because at least it's queering the narrative. But instead it's always just about recapitulating the patriarchy, but now using new ally-sounding terminology.

saw the post that's like "Surely egg jokes are also made from trans men to cis women. Why is this not a concern then? Maybe, just maybe, the idea of suggesting to a man he might be a woman is considered a grave offense, while suggesting to a woman she might be a man isn't?" which finally put into perspective how just. SO many people pull their ideas of what transmascs/men do STRAIGHT outta their asses. cracking an egg joke to cis women???? these ladies have a whole "nooooooo don't say that about yourself, you're beautiful!!!!!!" meltdown if i call myself masculine, girl i can't make egg jokes about myself (closeted transmasc)!!!! like i legit currently have a friend (girl) who's regularly like "god i yearn so much to engage with other men as a man" and i can't even try to tell her to maybe experiment like. for her own good. not even from a place of "hey, i've been there, maybe you could ponder over this?" place because i'm so afraid of crossing a boundary.

it's like. i once saw a video from a central asian country of a girl who says she wishes to be a boy. she was sent to a psychiatrist who told her "if we put you under surgery to make you a boy right now, would you take it?" and she immediately said "yes!". and the whole comments section is just "don't make this into your wholesome trans story, this is a girl who's tired of misogyny!!!!" because clearly, us third world wymbyn never experience any other thought about gender except "wow i hate being a woman for societal reasons only!"

anyway, if you make an egg joke at a cis woman, these are usually your options:

conservative lady: how dare you insult me like that, you're saying i've failed as a woman in this society????

most liberated woman: you're such a misogynistic pig you think just because i have a brain means i'm a man????

(i'd love to meet a cis woman that would be able to take an egg joke tbh. i don't think anyone needs to put up with egg jokes and tend not to make them either, but it's just a little scary to think most people would flip out so seriously about one singular joke like that.)

A lot of cis women really do react to suggest manliness just like toxic cis men being called girls lmao. This should be obvious to like, anyone? Literally everyone on Earth should know this.

[woomycritiques543]

I saw your take on vivziepop and I was like woah what the heck Viv? I am a Black asian Non Binary trans person I wanted to ask some questions only another non binary person can answer. one I can get more advice on especially for my mental health as a trans enby because it's been bothering me a lot.

Why do people love to erase us nonbinary and trans folk? Why do they love disrespecting us? Seeing the posts and evidence against Viv makes me super upset that I feel like I'm basically not allowed to exist as a trans nonbinary person. Or that were not allowed to exist as human beings because we keep on being erased. I didn't know Viv would take it this far by Erasing a Clearly trans character in the show for queer people. Does Viv hate nonbinary people too? Because I don't see a damn enby character anywhere at All! For a queer show runner she should stay consistent! But she's not! There was actually a horrible person on Twitter somewhere that said you can only be non binary if you are intersex??? Which doesn't make sense to me at all because it's different!? I... I'm super offended by Viv and people disrespecting us. I am non binary and trans so that's that! I will never be erased!

Im cis, but I am ok with being referred to with different pronouns besides "He" and "It" since im not comfortable with those. But to answer your question, there is a freind I know who is nonbinary, so I decided to ask for their say, and this was his response:

"I understand the frustration. Personally it makes me upset to see in Helluva Boss's case that Viv can have gnc queer men as jokes, and the one trans character we get has 3 lines and tons of merch making it feel like we're only valued as something to sell.

Let alone it hurts to see characters like Moxxie are treated like jokes for being gnc when for me it feels like Im being told there's something wrong with people i know who are gnc. Or like me who considers themselves trans masc but has long hair and isnt passing.

I want to think Viv means well, I really do, at the same time I'm not gonna pretend she didn't have a trans masc character who in the show was now a cis and only gave her trans woman character 3 lines and then sold a ton of merch of her in a way that feels even more unpleasant seeing that a character who was intended to be trans masc was made to be cis.

Viv can say she hates terfs, but she actively supported terfs in the past and hating terfs doesnt mean youre normal around trans people.

I think when we face things like this its all the more important to be vocal about it. Not just the times things are mishandled and how and why but when they're good as well. It can be great we have a trans girl character, but it doesnt feel as great when you erase another trans character and seem to only use said trans woman character to sell merch. It borders on performative especially because Viv is indie and has far more control than most people.

Im not sure if that covers enough but lemme know!"

-from, (will only send the blog with permission.)

DISCLAIMER:

CIS FANS, DO NOT DERAIL THIS POST.

THIS IS FROM A TRANS PRESPECTIVE SO DO NOT ARGUE OR DERAIL!

[windwardstar]

[image description: reply by @lgbtlunaverse:

Between this and transphobes suddenly remembering what "they/them" is when they have to refer to a trans woman it really highlights just how much disrespect is the whole point of misgendering. Not just one of the points, it's the only one. There's no consistent belief in gender behind it other than the belief that you're not allowed self-determination or autonomy. It's just "you told me your identity and I don't respect that, or you, and I want you to know."

This kind of "well at least I'm not using the pronouns of your agab!" misgendering is the exact same thing behind a thin excuse. end description]

While this is all true (and also that the same thing happens to trans men who use he/him -- and also that it then gives a lot of binary trans people the idea that people who actually use they/them get those pronouns respected when they really really don't), it's missing the point I was trying to make which is that the specific exorsexism at play where people do not recognize my nonbinary identity because they can only conceptualize gender and "actual" transness as binary, and that the systems put in place only account for binary options.

Every trans person regardless of gender or what they were assigned at birth gets the misgendering of people who don't respect trans people and will do whatever contradictory logic is required to avoid actually gendering them correctly (see: they/them for binary trans people because they don't want to use she/her or he/him that the person actually uses, but then not they/them for the enby who uses they/them, saying the person looks like a girl/boy so they can only think of the person as such and use the associated pronouns but then a trans person who 'passes' and they had no trouble using the correct pronouns for suddenly switching to incorrect ones they moment they find out the person is trans). It doesn't matter what the trans person looks like or what pronouns they use, if someone doesn't want to correctly gender a trans person, they will find a way to use the wrong pronouns even if they previously showed the ability to. But this post is not about that. It's not about general refusing to use correct pronouns.

This is about the specific context of my identity as a nonbinary genderqueer enby being erased in favor of forcing me into the binary as a transgender male because the people and systems still cannot conceptualize nonbinary people in general, treating enbies as cis lite versions of their agab or treating the ones they've deemed "actually trans" as binary trans. And crucially, that these people respect the fact that people are trans and the binary trans people in these spaces get their correct pronouns used. They're cis, they're confused, but they are not trying to disrespect and misgender people. They just, can't conceptualize nonbinary identities existing as independent things. I'm either a cis girl to them or a trans man who doesn't pass but it still going through "all the surgeries" (nevermind that they seem to think top surgery and a hysterectomy and phallo are the same thing, but that's a different issue)

It's also about how in spaces specifically for trans people: resources discussing testosterone, surgical resources discussing meta and phallo, doctor offices for gender affirming care, there is an assumption of binary transgender males seeking these things out. Where if there is any concession to the existence of nonbinary people it is to use the more inclusive transmasculine rather than ftm or transgender male. But it still assumes a binary alignment for all people seeking these things out. Where in my consult for meta the notes specifically called me a transgender male and used he/him after it was established in the first paragraph I was nonbinary and my pronouns are they/them because either the template did not account for enbies, the person writing up the note just made assumptions, or if AI was involved the general discussion around bottom surgery is so binary that the plagiarism machine had to insert a binary transgender man (and phallo) somewhere to make me as an enby getting meta make sense.

It's about how everyone is flattening the trans community into transmasculine and transfeminine because they either don't see unaligned enbies as actually trans or just forget about us entirely (or are deliberately ignoring out existence because it doesn't fit into the latest version of the binary they're trying to reinvent).

It's about how when I get misgendered with he/him people think it's less misgendering than if people use she/her because on actually recognizes that I'm trans just not the right identity. When they're both wrong and due to the active effort it takes people to use he/him (they look at me, they go oh right trans person, not she/her - use he/him) vs she/her (they look at me, she/her no more thought) he/him is much more a slap to the face as it actively recognizes that I am trans and then actively ignores my actual pronouns because the idea of transness and gender is still very much a binary she/her or he/him man or woman.

the point i'm trying to make it that people who RESPECT TRANS PEOPLE and WANT TO CORRECTLY GENDER ME still bypass my actual pronouns and identity to assume I am a transgender man and my pronouns are he/him.

It's about exorsexism and the gender binary.

Having thoughts regarding the additional layers of exorsexism in how people who know I am trans (that i am nonbinary and my pronouns are they/them) misgendering me as a binary trans man with he/him pronouns. And how it's like you're recognizing I am trans, but you're not recognizing my actual gender. You're putting in the effort to look at me and not call me a girl, but you can't put in the effort to get it right? You're using he/him pronouns because I've told you my pronouns are they/them and since it's not she/her it has to be close enough right? I told you I'm not a cis girl so I have to be a trans man because it's close enough and the misgendering doesn't actually matter as long as you're not calling me by my agab.

[justmenoworries]

Not Up For Interpretation - An Essay On Nonbinary - Erasure

(Trigger Warning: Misgendering, Transphobia, Nonbinary-phobia)

If you’ve been following me for a while, you probably know this was a long time coming. I’ve made several posts about my frustrations concerning this topic and how much it hurt me just how socially accepted erasing an entire identity still is. While representation marches on and things have become better for nonbinary people as a whole, we still battle with a lot of prejudice - both intentional and unintentional.

In this essay, I want to discuss just how our identities are being erased almost daily, why that is harmful and hurtful and what we all can do to change that.

Chapters:

What does Non-binary mean?

Nonbinary- representation in media

So what’s the problem?

How do we fix it?

1. What Does Non-binary Mean?

Non-binary is actually an umbrella term. It includes pretty much every gender-identity that’s neither one or the other so to speak, for example, agender.

Agender means feeling detachment from the gender spectrum in general. If you’re agender, you most likely feel a distance to the concept of gender as a whole, that it doesn’t define you as a person.

There are many identities that classify under non-binary: There’s gender-fluid (you feel you have a gender, but it’s not one gender specifically and can change), demi-gender (identifying as a gender partially, but not completely) and many others.

Sometimes, multiple non-binary identities can mix and match.

Most non-binary people use they/them pronouns, but like with so many things, it varies.

Some nonbinary-people (like me) go by two pairs of pronouns. I go by both she/her and they/them, because it’s what feels most comfortable at the moment. But who knows, maybe in the future I’ll switch to they/them exclusively or expand to he/him.

There is no one defining non-binary experience. Nb-people are just as varied and different as binary people, who go by one specific gender.

There are non-binary people who choose to go solely by she/her or he/him and that’s okay too. It doesn’t make them any more or less non-binary and their identity is still valid.

If your head’s buzzing a bit by now: That’s okay. It’s a complicated topic and no one expects you to understand all of it in one chapter of one essay.

Just know this: If a person identifies as non-binary, you should respect their decision and use the pronouns they go with.

It’s extremely hurtful to refer to someone who already told you that they use they/them pronouns with she/her or he/him, or use they/them to refer to a person who uses she/her.

Think about it like using a trans-person’s deadname: It’s rude, it’s harmful and it shows complete disrespect for the person.

Non-binary people have existed for a very long time. The concept isn’t new. The idea that there are only two genders, with every other identity being an aberration to the norm, is largely a western idea, spread through colonialism.

The Native American people use “Two-Spirit” to describe someone who identifies neither as a man nor a woman. The term itself is relatively new, but the concept of a third gender is deeply rooted in many Native American cultures.

(Author’s Note: If you are not Native American, please do not use it. That’s cultural appropriation.)

In India, the existence of a third gender has always been acknowledged and there are many terms specifically for people who don’t identify with the gender that was assigned to them at birth.

If you’re interested in learning more about non-binary history and non-binary identities around the world, I’d recommend visiting these websites:

https://nonbinary.wiki/wiki/History_of_nonbinary_gender

https://nonbinary.wiki/wiki/Gender-variant_identities_worldwide

https://thetempest.co/2020/02/01/history/the-history-of-nonbinary-genders-is-longer-than-you-think/

https://www.teenvogue.com/story/gender-variance-around-the-world

Also, maybe consider giving this book a try:

Nonbinary Gender Identities: History, Culture, Resources by Charlie Mcnabb

2. Non-binary Representation In Media

The representation of non-binary people in mainstream media hasn’t been... great, to put it mildly.

Representation, as we all know, is important.

Not only does it give minorities a chance to see themselves in media and feel heard and acknowledged. It also normalizes them.

For example, seeing a black Disney-princess was a huge deal for many black little girls, because they could finally say there was someone there who looked like them. They could see that being white wasn’t a necessity to be a Disney princess.

Seeing a canonically LGBT+ character in a children’s show teaches kids that love is love, no matter what gender you’re attracted to. At the same time, older LGBT+ viewers will see themselves validated and heard in a movie that features on-screen LGBT+ heroes.

There’s been some huge steps in the right direction in the last few years representation-wise.

Not only do we have more LGBT+ protagonists and characters in general, we’ve also begun to question and call out harmful or bigoted portrayals of the community in media, such as “Bury Your Gays” or the “Depraved Homosexual”.

With that being said: Let’s take a look at how Non-binary representation holds up in comparison, shall we?

This is Double Trouble, from the children’s show “She-Ra And The Princesses Of Power”.

They identify as non-binary and use they/them pronouns. They’re also  a slimy, duplicitous lizard-person who can change their shape at will.

Um, yeah.

Thanks, but no thanks.

Did I mention they’re also the only non-binary character in the entire show? And that they’re working with a genocidal dictator in most of the episodes they’re in?

Yikes.

Let’s look at another example.

These three (in order of appearance) are Stevonnie, Smoky Quartz and Shep. Three characters appearing in the kid’s show “Steven Universe” and it’s epilogue series “Steven Universe: Future”.

All of them identify as non-binary and use they/them as pronouns.

Stevonnie and Smoky Quartz are the result of a boy and a girl being fused together through weird alien magic.

Shep is a regular human, but they only appeared in one episode. In an epilogue series that only hardcore fans actually watched.

Well, I mean...

One out of three isn’t that bad, right?

Maybe we should pick an example from a series for older viewers.

Say hello to Doppelganger, a non-binary superhuman who goes by they/them, from the Amazon-series “The Boys”.

They’re working for a corrupt superhero-agency and use their power of shape-shifting to trick people who pose a threat to said agency into having sex with them. And then blackmail those people with footage of said sex.

....

Do I even need to say it?

If you’ve paid attention during the listing of these examples, you might have noticed a theme.

Namely that characters canonically identifying as non-binary are either

supernatural in some way, shape or form,

barely have a presence in the piece of media they’re in,

both.

Blink-and-you-miss-it-manner of representation aside, the majority of these characters fall squarely under what we call “Othering”.

“Othering” describes the practice of portraying minorities as supernatural creatures or otherwise inhuman. Or to say it bluntly: As “The Other”.

“Othering” is a pretty heinous method. Not only does it portray minorities as inherently abnormal and “different in a bad way”. It also goes directly against what representation is actually for: Normalizing.

As a general rule of thumb: If your piece of media has humans in it, but the only representation of non-white, non-straight people are explicitly inhuman... yeah, that’s bad.

So is there absolutely no positive representation for us out there?

Not quite.

As rare as human non-binary characters in media are to find, they do exist.

Here we have Bloodhound! A non-binary human hunter who uses they/them pronouns, from the game “Apex Legends”.

It’s been confirmed by the devs and the voice actress that they’re non-binary.

Nice!

These are Frisk (bottom) and Chara (top) from the game “Undertale”. While their exact gender identity hasn’t been disclosed, they both canonically use they/them pronouns, so it’s somewhere on the non-binary spectrum.

Two human children who act as the protagonist (Frisk) and antagonist (Chara), depending on how you play the game. (Interpretations vary on the antagonist/protagonist-thing, to say the least.)

Cool!

......

And, yep, that’s it.

As my little demonstration here showed, non-binary representation in media is rare. Good non-binary representation is even rarer.

Which is why those small examples of genuinely good representation are so important to the Non-binary community!

It’s hard enough to have to prove you exist. It’s even harder to prove your existence is not abnormal or unnatural.

If you’d like to further educate yourself on representation, it’s impact on society and why it matters, perhaps take a second to read through these articles:

https://www.criticalhit.net/opinion/representation-media-matters/

https://www.pbs.org/newshour/arts/why-on-screen-representation-matters-according-to-these-teens

https://jperkel.github.io/sciwridiversity2020/

https://www.forbes.com/sites/quora/2019/05/22/why-is-equal-representation-in-media-important/?sh=25f2ccc92a84

https://www.theodysseyonline.com/why-representation-the-media-matters

3. So What’s The Problem?

The problem, as is the case with so many things in the world, is prejudice.

Actually, that’s not true.

There’s not a problem, there are multiple problems. And their names are prejudice, ignorance and bigotry.

Remember how I said human non-binary representation is rare?

Yeah, very often media-fans don’t help.

Let’s take for example, the aforementioned Frisk and Chara from “Undertale”.

Despite the game explicitly using they/them to refer to both characters multiple times, the majority of players somehow got it into their heads that Frisk’s and Chara’s gender was “up for interpretation”.

There is a huge amount of fan art straight-up misgendering both characters and portraying them as binary and using only he/him or she/her pronouns.

The most egregious examples are two massively popular fan-animated web shows: “Glitchtale”, by Camila Cuevas and “Underverse” by Jael Peñaloza.

Both series are very beloved by the Undertale-fanbase and even outside of it. Meaning for many people, those two shows might be their first introduction to “Undertale” and it’s two non-binary human characters.

Take a wild guess what both Camila and Jael did with Frisk and Chara.

Underverse, X-Tale IV:

(Transcript: “Frisk lied to me in the worst possible way... I... I will never forgive him.”)

Underverse, X-Tale V:

(Transcript: “I-It’s Chara... and it’s a BOY.”)

Glitchtale, My Promise:

(Transcript: (Referring to Frisk) “I’m not scared of an angry boy anymore.”)

Glitchtale, Game Over Part 1:

(Transcript: (Referring to Chara) “It’s ok little boy.”)

This... this isn’t okay.

Not only do both of these pieces of fan-art misgender two non-binary characters, the creators knew beforehand that Frisk and Chara use they/them-pronouns, but made the conscious choice to ignore that.

To be fair, in a video discussing “Underverse”, Jael said that only X-Tale Frisk and Chara, the characters you see in the Underverse-examples above, are male, while the characters Frisk and Chara from the main game remained non-binary and used they/them (time-stamp 10:34).

Still, that doesn’t erase the fact that Jael made up alternate versions of two non-binary characters specifically to turn them male. Or that, while addressing the issue, Jael was incredibly dismissive and even mocked the people who felt hurt by her turning two non-binary characters male. Jael also went on to make a fairly non-binary-phobic joke in the video, in which she equated gender identities beyond male and female to identifying as an object.

Jael (translated): “I don’t care if people say the original Frisk and Chara are male, female, helicopters, chairs, dogs or cats, buildings, clouds...”

That’s actually a very common joke among transphobes, if not to say the transphobe-joke:

“Oh, you identify as X? Well then I identify as an attack helicopter!”

If you’re trans, chances are you’ve heard this one, or a variation of it, a million times before.

I certainly have.

I didn’t laugh then and I’m not laughing now.

(Author’s note: I might be angry at both of them for what they did, but I do not, under any circumstances, support the harassment of creators. If you’re thinking about sending either Jael or Camila hate-mail - don’t. It won’t help.)

Jael’s reaction is sadly common in the Undertale fandom. Anyone speaking up against Chara’s and Frisk’s identity being erased is immediately bludgeoned with the “up for interpretation”-argument, despite that not once being the case in the game.

And even with people who do it right and portray Frisk and Chara as they/them, you’ll have dozens of commenters swarming the work with sentences among the lines of “Oh but I think Frisk is a boy/girl! And Chara is a girl/boy!”

By the way, this kind of thing only happens to Frisk and Chara.

Every other character in “Undertale” is referred to and portrayed with their proper pronouns of she/her or he/him.

But not the characters who go by they/them.

Their gender is “up for interpretation”.

Because obviously, their identity couldn’t possibly be canonically non-binary.

Sadly, Frisk and Chara are not alone in this.

Remember Bloodhound?

And how I said they’d been confirmed as non-binary and using they/them pronouns by both the creators and the voice actress?

It seems for many players, that too translated to “up for interpretation”.

(Transcript: “does it matter what they call him? He, her, it, they toaster oven, it doesn’t matter”)

(Transcript: “I’m like 90 % sure Bloodhound is a dude because he could just sound like a girl and by their age that I’m assuming looks around 10-12 because I’ve known many males who have sounded like a female when they were younger”)

(Transcript: “I don’t care it will always be a He. F*ck that non-binary bullsh*t.”)

(Transcript: “Bloodhound is clearly female.”)

(Transcript: “I’m not calling a video game character they/them”)

(Transcript: “exactly. The face was never fully shown neither was the gender so I’d say it means that the player is Bloodhound. So it’s your gender and you refer to “him” as yourself. It’s like a self insertion in my eyes.”)

So, let me get this straight:

If a character, even a player character, uses she/her or he/him, you can accept it, no questions asked.

But when a character uses they/them, suddenly their identity and gender are “up for interpretation”?

This attitude is also widely prevalent in real life.

Many languages only include pronouns for men and women, with no third option available. Non-binary people are often forced to make up their own terms, because their language doesn’t provide one.

Non-binary people often don’t fit within other people’s ideas of gender, so they get excluded altogether. Worse, non-binary people are often the victims of misgendering, denial of their identity or even straight-up violence when coming out.

People will often tell us that we look like a certain gender, so we should only use one set of gendered pronouns. Never mind that that’s not what we want. Never mind that that’s not who we are.

Non-binary people are also largely omitted from legal documentation and studies. We cannot identify as non-binary at our workplace, because using they/them pronouns is considered “unprofessional”. We don’t have our own bathrooms like men and women do. Our gender is seen as less valid than male and female, so even that basic thing is denied to us. I’ve had to use the women’s restroom my entire life, because if I go into a male restroom, I’ll be yelled at or made fun off or simply get told I took the wrong door. It’s extremely uncomfortable for me and I wish I didn’t have to do it.

And since non-binary people aren’t seen as “real transgender-people”, we often don’t receive the medical care we need. This often renders us unable to feel good within our bodies, because the treatment and help we get is wildly inadequate.

It’s especially horrible for intersex people (people who are born with sex characteristics that don’t fit solely into the male/female category) who are often forced to change their bodies to fit within the male/female gender binary.

And you better believe each of those problems is increased ten-fold for non-binary people of color.

We are ignored and dismissed as “confused”, because of who we are.

Representation is a way for Non-binary people to show the world they exist, that they’re here and that they too have stories to tell.

But how can we, when every character that represents us is either othered, barely there or gets taken away from us?

We are not “up for interpretation”.

Neither are the characters in media who share our identity.

And it’s time to stop pretending we ever were.

For more information about Non-Binary Erasure and how harmful it is, you can check out these articles:

https://everydayfeminism.com/2015/08/common-non-binary-erasure/

https://www.dailydot.com/irl/nonbinary-people-racism/

https://nonbinary.wiki/wiki/Nonbinary_erasure

https://traj.openlibhums.org/articles/10.16995/traj.422/

https://medium.com/an-injustice/everyday-acts-of-non-binary-erasure-49ee970654fb

https://medium.com/national-center-for-institutional-diversity/the-invisible-labor-of-liberating-non-binary-identities-in-higher-education-3f75315870ec

https://musingsofanacademicasexual.wordpress.com/2015/05/11/dear-sirmadam-a-commentary-on-non-binary-erasure/

4. How Do We Fix It?

Well, first things first: Stop acting like we don’t exist.

And kindly stop other people from doing it too.

We are a part of the LGBT+ community and we deserve to be acknowledged, no matter what our pronouns are.

Address non-binary people with the right pronouns. Don’t argue with them about their identity, don’t comment on how much you think they look like a boy or a girl. Just accept them and be respectful.

If a non-binary person tells you they have two sets of pronouns, for example he/him and they/them, don’t just use one set of pronouns. That can come off as disingenuous. Alternate between the pronouns, don’t leave one or the other out. It’ll probably be hard at first, but if you keep it up, you’ll get used to it pretty quickly.

If you’re witnessing someone harass a non-binary person over their identity, step in and help them.

And please, don’t partake in non-binary erasure in media fandoms.

Don’t misgender non-binary characters, don’t “speculate” on what you think their gender might be. You already know their gender and it’s non-binary. It costs exactly 0 $ to be a decent human being and accept that.

Support Non-Binary people by educating yourself about them and helping to normalize and integrate their identity.

In fact, here’s a list of petitions, organizations and articles who will help you do just that:

https://www.change.org/p/collegeboard-let-students-use-their-preferred-name-on-collegeboard-9abad81a-0fdf-435c-8fca-fe24a5df6cc7?source_location=topic_page

6 Ways to Support Your Non-Binary Child

7 Non-Negotiables for Supporting Trans & Non-Binary Students in Your Classroom

If Your Partner Just Came Out As Non-Binary, Here’s How To Support Them

How to Support Your Non-Binary Employees, Colleagues and Friends

Ko-fi page for the Nonbinary Wiki

The Sylvia Rivera Project, an organization who aims to give low-income and non-white transgender, intersex and non-binary people a voice

The Anti Violence Project “empowers lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, and HIV-affected communities and allies to end all forms of violence through organizing and education, and supports survivors through counseling and advocacy."

The Trans Lifeline, a hotline for transgender people by transgender people

Tl:DR: Non-Binary representation is important. Non-Binary people still suffer from society at large not acknowledging our existence and forcing us to conform. Don’t be part of that problem by taking away what little representation we have. Educate yourself and do better instead. We deserve to be seen and heard.

[honeyandbloodpoetry]

Gender Thoughts Pt 1 and 2

The first time I put a binder on, a little under a week ago, I felt euphoric. Ever since I hit puberty very early on, I felt uncomfortable with my breasts. They never felt right on me, and even though I’ve come to love them sometimes, they still don’t always feel like they match up. I hated how people always looked at them, pointed out how much they showed in low cut shirts when I never even noticed they were--or even wanted them to. They were just there. I liked the way low cut shirts feel and look on me, I just can’t help these giant sacks of flesh that sit on my chest. 

Except...now I can! I ran my hands over my smooth chest, feeling bright. I looked into the mirror, and felt something warm wash over me. I put on my new masculine clothes, letting my partner clip on my new suspenders. I realized that I was shaking as I looked at myself again… I looked like a boy. I felt like a boy. Like a man. And I liked it. I wanted it. Admitting that to myself was like coming home. 

I remember being in sixth grade, walking around the track for my civil air patrol class. I had been slotted in with the rest of the girls, the boys walking ahead of us. I remember feeling uncomfortable being shoved in with only girls, and looking at the gaggle of boys ahead. The exact thought that whispered in my brain was “I wish I was a boy. I want to be like them, with them.” I never forgot that moment, and how strange it made me feel. How it was easier to shake that thought away, and dismiss those feelings. Except they never really left, did they? 

I remember sitting on my bed, crying with my best friend kneeling in front of me. I remember telling her how I didn’t like feeling like a woman all the time. That I wished I could be a black shadow, monstrous, androdynous. Specifically like Venom. She took my hand, did my makeup all in black and helped me pick out the perfect black outfit to achieve that dark, gothic look. I was so incredibly happy and validated. But I still felt like something was missing. 

I remember going into an Adam and Eve for laugh, not expecting much since I am an asexual with a low libido. I remember seeing packers and feeling my chest tighten. I never liked my genitalia--I had wished for a cloaca or something akin to that, but since that was biologically impossible for a human… I sometimes wished I had the opposite of a vagina. I frequently imagined what it would be like to have a penis. I frequently lamented the fact that I didn’t have one. I took the box up to the counter to ask some questions, my dress swishing as I went. The cashier told me it was for trans people only, and a girl like me couldn’t have it. She didn’t know what asexuality was, and had tried polyamory once but decided it was bad when her girlfriend kissed her boyfriend. I was upset, disheartened, and left the store empty handed feeling frustrated and lost.

I remember finally cutting the long, curly locks that had frustrated and imprisoned me for so long. Seeing all of my hair fall to the floor, staring into the mirror as the barber buzzed the back of my head… It made me want to cry tears of joy. It was the first time in my entire life that I had looked at my hair and was happy. The first time I could look in the mirror and feel like myself. Then I remember wanting to go shorter, and my barber encouraging me to keep it a little longer so I didn’t look manly, so I could still be soft and feminine. The way my stomach dropped and the sick feeling in my chest only increased when he began to make fun of the gay men who came down the street near his favorite restaurant. I never saw that barber again. I instead found a nice local place down the road from my apartment, where the kind lady cut it all off without question, other than “Why?” and accepted my warm “It makes me happy. It makes me feel beautiful.” 

But wearing that binder for the first time? It was as if a beam of light had funneled its way directly into my heart. I felt like a handsome man, with just a little bit of striking man boob, and it felt so right. My partner called me a dashing boy and my heart began to race. I still feel his hand tracing my jawline as he called me handsome, and the butterflies it sent up through my belly, even after more than eleven years. 

I love my partner--he identifies as agender and primarily masculine, and has been on the lookout for a good pair of size thirteen shoes to wear with a dress. They also wear joggers and flip flops and graphic tees and can’t seem to stop talking about the ocean and outer space. They’re probably one of my biggest inspirations for finding myself, and being authentically me. 

I’m not super sure who or what I am right now. I’m still figuring that out, but I’m pretty sure I’m somewhere between agender and genderfluid. I feel like me more than anything else, but all pronouns make me feel good. I feel like all of them and none of them at once, but I swing between wanting to be feminine and masculine pretty strongly, though I enjoy being masculine most of all--even when I’m wearing dresses and pink. I feel like a beautiful person in a dress or a button down, no matter what gender I feel like today or tomorrow. 

I am me. And I am one dashing boy, and one beautiful girl. 

4 July 2021

XXX

Since first writing this little essay, I’ve been doing a lot more examination of my gender. I have come to the conclusion that I am transmasc and nonbinary, and am shaky on the title of genderfluid. I am feeling less and less like a woman--if anything, occasionally adjacent to a woman rather than actually being one. I love feeling like and presenting as a man. I have my first appointment with a gender services doctor at my local community clinic for consultation on starting hrt testosterone. I am planning to start with low dose first, and see how I feel. 

I am still unsure of my exact identity, but I have found great euphoria with being and presenting as a man. I love being a man and everything that entails. I have loved myself like never before. Being with my partner is amazing, and he has been endlessly supportive--even recounting little things they had noticed throughout the years. One of the funniest being that I only ever referred to my body parts--my belly, hands, hair, genitalia--with masculine pronouns. I always seemed to see my body as male even if I had a certain sort of dissonance from it. 

Coming out has been difficult. I have had both positive and negative experiences from it. I have been told going on testosterone would be self harm, and that I can’t be something I’m not. I’ve had coworkers I trusted out me without my permission. But I have also had positive affirmation, polite questions, and discussions. I am terrified to tell my mother and her boyfriend--I have no idea how they will react and am terrified that I will be disrespected and disowned. 

But I am prepared to do whatever it takes to be my happiest and most authentic self. 

I have been binding a lot more often, wearing sports bras for long shifts at work, and occasionally going without either when I feel like letting my man boobs hang free. I’ve had the delightful experience of going to a men’s big and tall store and finally wearing pants. I grew up as a fat girl and felt as if I had to perform high femininity to be taken seriously and be treated well--and had been told by someone I trusted that I was too fat to wear pants, which I heavily internalized. So I had completely cast them away in favor of dresses and skirts, bows and gaudy jewelry. Realizing that I could wear pants was...totally wild. That I could be comfortable and look good in pants and shorts, and that it didn’t matter what people did or thought of me was life changing. Maybe I’ll feel like being feminine again someday, but right now this masculinity and masculine clothing, with perhaps the added spice of funky earrings, feels like home. 

I also grew up autistic and with PCOS, both which I think have affected my gender identity. Being autistic, I truly struggled to connect to others socially, and especially to understand societal norms. Being a proper woman felt like I was making up for everything else I was lacking--I may have been awkward, semi-verbal and weird with no friends, but at least I was cute and girlish. I never connected to womanhood though, and always felt out of place no matter how hard I tried. With PCOS, I had heightened testosterone, which meant wider breasts and shoulders, a lack of periods, and excessive body hair. I recall the endocrinologist asking high school age me if I had excessive body hair around my stomach, breasts, etc. and my mother jumping to say no I didn’t...even though I did. I remember suddenly feeling very self aware and ashamed of something completely natural, and even something I started to enjoy. I started shaving my entire body then. 

I even remember being in middle school, and thinking nothing of my hairy legs. In fact, I loved my body hair and how it felt. A rude girl began making fun of me though, tutting her tongue as she cooed, “Aw, does your mommy not let you shave?” Among other things, all throughout many years of severe bullying and abuse. I remember feeling ashamed, but not knowing why, and immediately shaving my legs, covering them in nicks from my shaky and unsteady hands, that same night. 

So many things set me back in my gender expression. So many things contributed to me willful ignorance and denial. I remember wanting to be butch, and everyone in my life laughing at me and saying I was too soft for that. That sweet, sharp ache in my chest. I remember going to a salad bar with my mother, wearing a button up and telling her I wanted to wear some more boyish clothes around that same time--I had already told her that I was bi sometime earlier. I remember her lip curling, looking uncomfortable, and telling me that I better not become one of those boy girls. My late father was very vocal in denouncing homosexuality and specifically men loving men--something which always sat horribly wrong with me on a deeper level. 

I think I might ending up being a trans man. I am still unsure and figuring myself out, but I struggle greatly with the autistic need for sameness vs. the trans need for change. My sapphic love of women has always been very important to me, and fully becoming a man rather than genderfluid is scary for that very reason. I am still navigating my identity and what it means to me and my reality--but no matter what, being a man, being masculine is integral to who I am. 

I was called a “sir” at a job interview for the first time the other day, and nearly began to bawl from sheer joy. The gender euphoria from that and so many moments is worth so much more to me than the years of suffering and ignorance and my ongoing struggles with dysphoria. I finally got a packer and have had help from my partner in learning to position it properly--I am thinking of cutting my hair even shorter. I have almost perfected a pretty basic tie tying skill. Okay, not really, but I’m getting there. I feel deep inside that even though my father loved me, he would not like who and what I am. Still, I wear the last watch he ever wore, and hope to be a good man like him--and to learn from the toxic parts of him to be an even better man. 

I am very excited to start hrt. I am terrified of hair loss and vaginal atrophy, but I look forward to so much more. I cannot wait for bottom growth and body hair, for the voice drop that will hopefully get me misgendered less. I have always felt disconnected from my voice and look forward to getting to know it better as it changes with me. I look forward to meeting with new facial hair. Working out and growing muscle. I just look forward to my second puberty and becoming more like myself. I look forward to navigating and exploring my gender even further, both with loved ones, support groups, and myself. 

More than anything, I am just happy to be me. 

25 August 2021

[iapetusneume]

Cut for talk about gender (and a bit of soul-searching)

So, more than once since I first met Navona and Armony, they've asked me: "are you sure you're not trans?" And I've told them just about every time that, no, I think I'm cis.

Except last week.

I couldn't sleep and neither could Navona, so we got to talking about all sorts of stuff. And I told her about some pretty personal things that had to do with body image. Stuff I never told anyone before. Stuff that I never took seriously because a lot of people make it a kink, and I was already worried that it was really disrespectful. So I kept it to myself and I felt ashamed. Even now I can't quite write the words down.

And Navona asked again, "are you sure you're not trans?"

Because I've said more than once to Navona that if I hadn't been bullied so much as a child, I would probably be nonbinary. I feel like femininity was something I fought tooth-and-nail for. It is incredibly difficult to recieve masculine-coding.

But at the same time, I don't feel like I sit in the "female" space of gender all the time. And if I had the chance and the science was there, I would want to modify my body in a way that the end result wouldn't physically be a cis woman's. But since I was assigned female at birth and still want to use she/her pronouns, I'm left kinda shrugging and going "...eh?"

Over the past week, I've been trying on "different hats." Trying to mentally refer to myself as different things, and see if anything sparks joy. I am aware that the journey to figure out one's gender identity can really take a lifetime since it can evolve and gender is fluid, and this has only been a week. But I'm more trying to put words to feelings that I have for years.

Tried other pronouns, and didn't feel anything to alternative ones. Reacted extremely negatively to he/him. Was only really fine with they/them in situations where my gender isn't already known or already-existing usage of they/them in grammar. She/her feels... I don't know how to describe it. I feel like I'm gripping it tightly and afraid someone will try to take it from me again. But I'm not sure if this is still a holdover from when people would misgender me to bully me as a kid, and all I wanted was to be respected. But I wouldn't really call it "sparking joy."

I tried referring to myself as nonbinary, but that didn't feel quite right, though it felt a lot closer. Bigender I'm not really sure of, because if it is than I don't know which gender would be my second one. This also feels close but not quite there. I tried gender non-comforming, and that felt really good. But I have already seen while doing some reading that there are a lot of people who don't consider GNCs trans, so it makes me reluctant to talk about in public spaces. Genderqueer is also close but not quite right.

What i do know is, both Navona and Armony are trans and they heard me explain all my feelings and wants, and they think it sounds pretty trans to them. They understand my hesitation with talking about it, but they lovingly embraced me as valid, and that was really emotional.

I bought some stuff to help me with my body image. I'm not sure how much dysphoria I'm feeling (if any), but the idea of being able to have my body look more like I want fills me with a joy I was blown away by. I wonder if its gender euphoria.

[ugh-fml]

not an attack or anything like that in the slightest, would just like to know, because you believe pronouns are equal to gender, your opinion on non-binary people who use he/him or she/her or a combination of those and they/them for various reasons (such as it being more convenient in an educational setting, or firmly wanting to refuse the pronouns they were assigned at birth, etc, etc). thanks for your time and if not have a good day!

Tbh idk what this is asking me, I’m assuming you want my opinions on those two reasons? Idk I’ve been reading paperwork all day and my eyes are tired, but I digress.

Nonbinary pronouns (especially the multiple pronouns) are very regressive and hard to pick up for teachers; so no, I would’nt exactly say that it’s “good” or “convenient” for educational settings.

I made a post about it not too long ago, but it may be hard to find, so here’s the screenshots. This anecdote my friend’s newly trans-positive parent told me really made me realize what I stated above:

Wanting to be spiteful/rebellious and change your pronouns because “you can” is a CHOICE. The problem is, being LGBT is NOT a choice. It is not just an identity, but a trait you have at birth. So honestly it is just really disrespectful when gnc people decide that being a cis person who doesn’t follow gender roles/stereotypes is not enough and rebrands themselves as nonbinary (I think there’s also a group of enby people that are trans and just have fluctuating dysphoria).

If I’m interpreting this wrong please send another ask clarifying!

[lastoneout]

Are there any nonbinary people out there who could answer a question for me/give me their perspective on a thing? 

I’m questioning my gender but I’m struggling to differentiate between “I find that the societal expectations of womanhood as well as what society defines being a woman do not fully encompass my experiences with my gender because what society expects womanhood to be is inherently stifling” and “I don’t find that the idea of womanhood fully encompasses my experiences with gender because I’m not cis”. 

Like where is the line between “you can be a woman however you want fuck gender roles cut your hair be masc who gives a shit” and “I’m just not 100% a woman”? When does it stop being “I’m butch/masc/a tom boy and/or someone who isn’t down with traditional femininity” and go into “I’m not a woman”? Cuz it really seems pretty blurry to me and I’m not sure where exactly I fall anymore. 

I dunno I just keep thinking about how I don’t find the idea of femininity stifling exactly, even if I don’t really perform it to societal standards. Like I am find with she/her pronouns, I like wearing dresses and make-up sometimes, and being perceived more or less as vaguely on the feminine side of the spectrum, but is that the same as being nonbinary? 

Because my whole life I feel like I have sort of...I don’t know how to describe it exactly it’s kind of like bumping up against a barrier when I try to express parts of myself? Like once I joked about being called “sir” in a seniority sort of way, and this one guy I worked with got super uncomfortable and said it would be “disrespectful” to call me that and it pissed me off? And I love how in Animal Crossing I can just, decide to wear a suit and have a mustache whenever I want and it doesn’t like, mean I’m not me. Or, not to keep using Animal Crossing as an example but, I put together a look that I very much considered “vacation dad” and showed people, and I got vaguely uncomfortable when people said I looked like a “vacation mom” even though I think they were just trying to be respectful of my gender. And when I had my hair buzzed people kept mistaking me for a guy and getting really upset when they realized I wasn’t one, and it was just frustrating cuz like...why does it matter? 

And I’ve also sort of like, found myself wishing that I didn’t have boobs? But not all the time, I just wish I could like, turn them off sometimes. Or I’ve seen pictures of people with flat chests and gotten really emotional without really knowing if it’s because I find it attractive or I wish I looked like that. Or even occasionally wished I could cosplay a guy, like I would love to cosplay as Peter Parker Spiderman but been upset that in a skintight suit people would just be like “oh you’re Spidergirl” when that’s not what I’m trying to be! (My trans friend suggested buying a binder just to try it out and I’m gonna but I don’t have the money rn.)

But It just seems like every time I try to go down the “what’s my gender, no really what is it” line of thinking I end up just deconstructing the concept of gender as it relates to society and what that means for the individual and having a weird existential crisis about it all because I cannot seem to find the actual feeling that defines weather I am just tired of what society says my gender should be or if I’m actually not what gender society told me I am.

So has anyone experienced that and if so can they like, tell me what was the deciding factor for them? Or just give me their opinion in general cuz I just feel so confused and both like I’m just being a special snowflake and also like I am maybe actually discovering something about me and if it even matters at all and I do not know how to sort through it all. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[tamamonomaes]

Clearing Up Misconceptions on How Gendered Language Works in Japanese

In specifically relation to Fate, how this effects how the characters present, and why these misconceptions could be interpreted as disrespectful to the Japanese trans community.

(DISCLAIMER: I am NOT cis like people seem to think! I realise you may assume that looking at me, but it's because of medical reasons. Corrections and input from native Japanese speakers welcome and encouraged!

1 The "I pronoun" is not indicative of gender as there is no such thing as a "personal pronoun. " The "I pronoun" is not primarily focused in gender, but rather, whether they are formal or informal, who you are talking to, sometimes your age, and what mood and tone you are trying to convey. "Ore" isn't a suitable option for a "personal pronoun" in the first place as it is informal and comes off extremely rude in some situations, like a job interview, so it is likely that the ore user is going to be switching to something more polite. For example, Astolfo's pronoun of boku is not indicative of them being male as its primary focus is to represent humbleness; yes it is "primarily" used for boys, however it is also considered "cute" for young girls; basically what Astolfo's use of boku can tell us about Astolfo is that Astolfo wants to be perceived as humble, and has an element of childishness to them.

2 Within the fandom, there seems to be this urge to binarise pronouns to support certain arguments that certain characters are cis and that certain characters are trans, when in actuality, the Japanese language is already far more diverse and expresses far more freedom in it's way of expressing pronouns and gender. The absolute biggest misunderstanding comes with the use of "ore" and "atashi." Basically, people believe that anyone who uses these pronouns wants to be perceived as either hyper feminine or hyper masculine, and if someone uses one of these pronouns, they want to be perceived as either female or male. However, this is simply not what these pronouns indicate at all. While atashi is traditionally considered feminine, gay men have adopted the pronoun as a means of talking casually without presenting; the same goes for ore. While it is true it is tradionally masculine, these days, it has evolved more to present the image of being casual, as well as youth wanting to sound tough. While a woman may not usually use ore irl, it is also true that anime characters don't actually talk like real Japanese people, and female characters in anime using ore is an actual thing.

You will often see this double standard that people will say they support pronouns not being idictitive of gender in English, ie, a he/him lesbian, but then binarise the Japanese language in the sense that atashi means you present female, and ore means you present male, like NB and trans Japanese don't exist. If you were told only women use atashi and. Men ore no shade, I'm just letting you know it's more complex than that. You see this particularly with ore as it creates a "tough" image, and people believe women don't want to, or even can't, be seen as tough. If you believe someone can use he/him and be female, for the sake of respect to the Japanese language and the nb community, I ask you to do the same for men who atashi and women who use ore.

3. Grammatically, Japanese doesn't actually require the use of she/him when reffering to others. This is why you don't see characters reacting to being misgendered because, quite often they just aren't there in the original. Since they are in English, this results in the translators own perception of the character affecting how they identify in the story. There are so many instances of transphobia in fate, however, because the series is handled by so many different writers and it's hard to track down who is responsible for what, I really shouldn't have to explain to you why it is disrespectful for you to put the Japanese writers at fault for getting angry because a character is being misgendered when you're literally reading a fan translation and the pronouns just aren't there in the first place. Please stop calling out "transphobia" on the writers part because you saw Astolfo being called a he in a fan translation, or even in NA where different translators with different views have to add pronouns in. There's bigger issues of transphobia you can be focusing on rather than non-existent pronouns. The only real way you can be sure if a character is being misgendered is to check the original Japanese. But reminder certain characters using the wrong pronouns, ie, Ophelia using she/her for Caenis does not necessarily reflect the views of the writers.

Contrary to what people think, Fate does actually have a way of acknowledging certain characters as GNC. This method isn't perfect and has problems, but Astolfo, Enkidu, D'eon and Avenger Nobunaga are all canonically considered GNC with the genderless attributes in Fgo. To me this includes trans as historically D'eon is a trans woman and Nobu a trans man, but nonbinary readings of these characters are still absolutely fair, so some may disagree. If you don't consider Nobu a trans man and instead nb, you could argue that the reason Mordred isn't included because the series may have a predudice to trans men considering they want waifus and have made historical men women instead.

[heyitsmoki]

Warning : I’m a grumpy confused nonbinary and I want to kill myself while simultaneously flirting with cute girls REEEEEEEE

I hate being a female, I just want to chop off the physical bits that assign me as one and feel free. I obviously can’t because that would hurt like Hell and I would probably die if I attempted it. I, in no way, encourage self harm or anything like I just said I wanted to do, so don’t assume I’m telling other nonbinary, trans, etc people to do that, in fact no one should.

Then there’s surgery, but I’m 15 and there is no way in a billion gazillion years my mother or any other members my family would approve of me going up to a surgeon and saying “Hi can I apply to have my boobs removed, thank you”

I wish gender didn’t even exist, I hated explaining to my mum why I was uncomfortable being referred to as a “she” but also a “he”. I told her I want to be called a “they” and that’s the only pronoun I want to be referred to as. As many times as I kept explaining that literally sometimes the word “they” doesn’t always mean a group of people and it can mean one person, she doesn’t get it, she pretended she understood. Every day after that she had completely forgotten and still referred to me as a “she” and I gave up trying to explain because I hate explaining certain things in general. No matter how uncomfortable and unintentionally disrespected I felt on the inside I kept quiet from there.

It’s okay to not understand, we’ve all been there at least I know I have, the least you could do is try to respect someone by simple ways they request to be respected such as being called a different pronoun, even if it feels like rocket science to you.

I feel a bit stuck to be perfectly honest. I want to be seen as a person without a gender in public, but that’s not as easy when you have a family who you feel you can’t talk to about these changes because they’re probably as confused as you are.

I really want help, but I know it would involve talking to my family and they’re always busy, it would take time to make them understand at least a little bit.

I don’t know what to do, maybe I could try displaying how I feel in a subtle way and then keep doing that gradually over time.

I can’t go up to them and say “Hi here’s a word you don’t understand and I’m that!” And call it a day, easy, done. Nope.

Honestly I don’t even feel my genitials need to be there! I’m also asexual, I don’t experience sexual attraction or any interest in sex. Asexuality is a spectrum so it’s not just that simple self explanatory definition. I like girls romantically and my mum found that out recently. She doesn’t know I’m asexual but kind of knows I’m nonbinary like a little bit? She thinks I’m just a regular lesbian living my “I like vagina when I get old enough I’m going to-” life. Well that assumptions a bit complicated for me specifically, but you know explaining what I actually mean when I say “I wanna date girls” would take more loads of effort knowing who I’d be talking to.

[cs-discourse]

for the person curious on why mambastar said she supported trans rights despite being transphobic just a few days prior:

i PMd her and asked her to explain why she had the opinions she does. i was genuinely curious. turns out most of her knowledge of trans issues was from ben shapiro debates and certain biblical passages. she actually mentioned that if she were an atheist her views would probably be much different.

i tried my best to explain to her why trans people are valid. i am trans (nonbinary) and also a Christian. i told her about my experiences and answered some of her questions. i think it may have helped to hear it from a fellow Christian, or maybe because i didn't approach her aggressively about it, but she seemed very supportive and respected my identity. 

to me it seemed like she was just misinformed. for instance, she mentioned not supporting physical transition, but when i asked her about it she said it was just because she'd heard bad things about hormone therapy and was concerned for peoples' health. 

keep in mind i'm not saying i support all of her opinions in any way. her islamophobia, for example? way out of line. i looked through some of her posts and found some slight homophobia, too. not cool.

but, consider this, maybe talking to an actual trans person and hearing what we go through helped her realize that we aren't just political statements and made her reconsider her thoughts just a little? do i think she's 100% trans-supportive now? no. do i think she's less transphobic than she made herself seem? yes. shes at least taking baby steps to inform herself. she went from "gender cannot be changed and transitioning is bad" (in her first private message to me) to "people can change their gender and should be allowed to transition" in her most recent post. people can change their opinions if you give them time. thats all im saying.

i will send in proof of our conversation if yall really dont believe me. im just hesitant on releasing PMs because theyre, uh, private? and i dont want to disrespect her own privacy. hope you guys understand

[tifs-against-terfs]

I watched Kalvin Garrah’s ‘I used to be an NB sjw” video so you don’t have to

here’s my thoughts

whoa yep hes definitely on t

“I really do not wanna offend anyone in this video. But if you are easily offended, please click off this video ” Ok Kal

“I do have every strong almost anti sjw viewpoints”

“I’ll try to be as respectful as possible of everyone”

“Even though I really strongly identified with being agender, even though I dressed male, wanted to get my hair cut, had all the stereotypical ftm dysphoria” ok so all those reasons are enforcing gender roles, unrelated, or perpetuating the fact that nb people dont have dysphoria or that they dont have the same dysphoria

“I am a big advocate that you do need gender dysphoria to be trans. Just waiting for the hate to roll in on that one” oh go fuck yourself

“I accepted the notion that no matter what someone looked like you should always ask their pronouns and that you shouldn’t assume someones gender” yikes portraying common decency and buzzwords as things that were forced upon you............. not a great look b

“I slowly started to realize that a lot of the things these kids in the GSA were saying were very very fucked” ok so everyone that doesn’t agree with you is a fucking child ok

“The fact that these people were over and over enforcing and putting down anything that didn’t agree with what they were saying was almost like a cult mentality” ADJFSKRFTLJ

“its crazy to me that sjws are not open to hearing any other peoples ideas or opinions” ok hunny

“I’m gonna give this man [donald trump] the benefit of the doubt” was the racism not enough for you kalvin? Was the blatant objectification of women not enough of a red flag for you to say fuck this guy?

“I was shot down for believing and putting faith in our president” yeah no shit

“Me, online as a social media influencer” LMAOO nobody fucking knows who you are outside of the trans community

“You can’t be in a relationship with someone and not tell them how you identify just because of their views” so we’re supporting coming out to people that it could be potentially detrimental for us to come out to now huh

“At the time I was more open to nonbinary people, im gonna talk about how I feel now” oh god no

“They said that the reason they were NB was because they didn’t want to further societal gender roles” ok I know Im supposed to be shitting on kalvin in this but thats a pretty fucking big yikes

“transgenderism” bitch what the fuck

“I do believe transgenderism is a mental disorder” “I just dont understand people that try to say transgender is normal, because it’s NOT normal” you sound like a fucking right wing gun fucker that lets his 8 year old daughter play with his AR 15

“I’m not saying that if someone told me to call them by he/him or they/them im gonna disrespect them” ok but literally earlier in the episode you called an NB person you dated a girl and she/her so like what the fuck are you talking about with your performative ‘im ok with nb people’ bullshit

“I don’t wanna make someone upset or uncomfortable” ok we’ll see about that when i get to your more recent videos

“it really puts a bad name on REAL trans people like myself” ok so other trans people are the reason you’re oppressed ok ok gotcha

I spaced out in like the last minute of the video so thats all i got. if you have more add them. love y’all byeeee

[chimcharstar]

1 THROUGH 55 AND 1 THROUGH 30 GO GO GO

LETS FUCKIN GO

tumblr please actually make this a keep reading

55 interesting questions you should drop in someone’s inbox

1. If you didn’t have to sleep, what would you do with the extra time?

I ALREADY WATCH NETFLIX AND AGONIZE OVER MY STORY

2. What’s your favorite piece of clothing you’ve own/owned?

MY JACKETS. ANY CHEST OBSCURING, BROAD SHOULDERED, COZY JACKET

3. What hobbies would you get into if time and money wasn’t an issue?

DANCING, ID NEED TO GO TO CLASSES OR SOMETHING

4. What would your perfect room look like?

IM ACTUALLY PRETTY HAPPY WITH MY ROOM BUT IVE ALWAYS WANTED A LAVA LAMP, AND 1800 MORE PLANTS COULDNT HURT

5. Do you play sports?

NO

6. What fiction place would you love to go to?

SINNOH REGION

7. What Job would you be terrible at?

DEBT COLLECTION. I WOULD BE GIVING SHIT TO PEOPLE FOR FREE. I COULDNT BEAR BEING ENCOURAGED TO FORCE PEOPLE WHO CANT PAY FOR SOMETHING TO PAY MORE

8. If you could turn any activity into an Olympic sport, what would it be?

SERVING. HOW MANY PLATES CAN YOU CARRY AT ONCE

9. What’s the most annoy habit other people have?

WALKING IN MY SPACE BUBBLE WHEN MY SENSES ARE OVERLOADED

10. What skill would you like to master?

A SECOND LANGUAGE

11. What would be the most amazing adventure to go on?

THE ONE FROM MY DREAM WHERE I KISSED A GIRL DYED MY HAIR BLUE AND WE ELOPED TO BRAZIL TO RAISE SHEEP

12. What’s your favorite drink ?

THAT CHRISTMAS SHIT. PEPPERMINT MOCHA AT STARBUCKS. A FRIEND GOT IT FOR ME ONCE. NOW I ORDER IT A BILLION TIMES.

13. What state or country would you never like to go back to?

I HAVE NOT TRAVELLED MUCH EVER

14. What songs do you have completely memorized?

I DONT REMEMBER LYRICS SO MUCH, BUT I COULD PROBABLY REMEMBER HOW MANY SONGS GO COMPLETELY

15. Are you usually early or late?

LATE. IM GETTING BETTER THOUGH

16. What takes up too much of your time?

GETTING OUT OF BED

17. What do you wish you knew more about?

SWORDS

18. What are some small things that make your day better?

COFFEE. SOMEONE SAYING SOMETHING NICE TO ME.

19. What TV channel doesn’t exist but really should?

QUEER EYE BUT BY TRANS PEOPLE FOR TRANS PEOPLE

20. Who has impressed you the most with what they’ve accomplished?

YOU. AND ME. ITS GROWTH

21. What age do you wish you can permanently be?

21, SO I HAVE TIME TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THE FUCKS GOING ON

22. What TV show or movie do you refuse to watch?

13 REASONS, THE BOOK WAS TRIGGERING SO I WONT RISK IT

23. What would be your ideal way to spend you weekend?

TAKING A WALK, HAVING COFFEE, WATERING PLANTS… IM HAPPY

24. What’s something in your life that’s considered a luxury?

I HAVE PERFUME...

25. Is there anything you’re too young/old for?

TO YOUNG TO NEVER DRINK. TOO OLD FOR POKEMON

26. What’s your favorite genre book or movie?

I DONT HAVE THE ATTENTION SPAN FOR EITHER BUT I SEEM TO LIKE URBAN FANTASY A LOT

27. How often do you people watch?

I THINK IM SO POLITE BUT HONESTLY, I QUIETLY SCRUTINIZE SO MANY PEOPLE ON THE TRAIN EVERY DAY AND GUESS AT THEIR PERSONAL HABITS AND SELF IMAGE.

28. What’s the best single day on the calendar?

MY BIRTHDAY, SAGITTARIUS SEASON RULES BABY

29. What are you interested in that most people haven’t heard of?

I DONT KNOW ABOUT ANYTHING PPL HAVENT HEARD OF BUT IM INTERESTED IN BLACK HOLES

30. Do you relax after a hard day?

FOOD. NETFLIX. DECOMPOSING ON TUMBLR

31. What’s the best book or series you’ve ever read?

I HAVENT READ A BOOK I REALLY LOVE IN AGES. HARRY POTTER AND ARTEMIS FOWL WERE MY FAVOURITES GROWING UP, BUT CORNELIA FUNKES BOOKS SLAPPED AND HIS DARK MATERIALS WAS GORGEOUS

32. Where’s the farthest you’ve ever been from home?

IDAHO?

33. What’s the most heart warming thing you’ve ever seen?

LUCIFER WAS LIKE YOU DESERVE SOMEONE WHO CARES ABOUT YOUR BORING MIDDLE NAME JANE AND KNOWS THAT EVERY MURDER BREAKS YOUR HEART AND YOU SIMPLY DESERVE BETTER SO NO MORE MOMENTS WHILE THEYRE HAVING A MOMENT AND CHLOE IS WATCHING THIS FUCKING IDIOT AND IVE WATCHED THIS BEFORE SO I KNOW SHES GONNA KISS HIM AND THEN THEY KISS

34. What’s the most annoying question that people ask you?

ANY SMALL TALK QUESTIONS

35. Would you give a 40 minute presentation with no preparation?

YES. ID MAKE THAT SHIT RIGHT UP. SKILLS

36. What’s something you think everyone should do at least once in their lives?

GIVE ME A HUG AND SOME CHOCOLATE

37. Would you rather go Hand Gliding or Whitewater rafting?

HANG GLIDING

38. Dream car?

SOMETHING I DONT HAVE TO WORRY WILL FALL INTO PIECES AT ANY MOMENT

39. What’s something so many people are obsessed with and you just don’t understand why?

STRAIGHT LOVE SONGS

40. What are you most looking forward to in 10 years from now?

HAVING A CAT

41. What’s something you’ve been meaning to try but haven’t gotten to it?

DECORATING THE DOLLHOUSE I RESCUED FROM THE BATHROOM

42. What’s the best thing that’s happened to you all week?

IM NOT VERY FAR THROUGH THE WEEK AND I HAVENT ENJOYED MOST OF IT BUT PEOPLE SAYING ADORABLE THINGS

43. How different was your life one year ago?

NOT A LOT DIFFERENT, IM JUST LONELY IN THE CITY NOW, MINUS A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP, ONE YEAR ON T

44. What/who would you rate 10/10?

MY CACTUS JAKEN. I DROPPED HIM SO MANY TIMES AN ENTIRE HALF OF HIS SPIKES ARE FLAT SCARS. AND LOOK AT HIM. THRIVING

45. What kind of art do you enjoy the most?

GENUINELY MADE ART

46. What do you hope never changes?

MY T PRESCRIPTION

47. What movie title best describes your life?

I LOOKED THROUGH NETFLIX AND I PICK TWILIGHT

48. What website do you visit most often?

TUMBLR

49. What’s something you’re looking forward to this year?

MY BIRTHDAY

50. What’s something you’d like to unlearn?

FINDING A REASON TO CANCEL EVERY SINGLE LITTLE THING

51. Where would you spend all your time if you could?

WALKING BY SOME RUNNING WATER

52. What age would you like to live to?

80. THATS MY MENTAL HEALTH ANSWER

53. What’s something you’re most likely to become famous for?

SOMETHING CREATIVE WOULD BE AWESOME

54. What’s something you’re most likely to be arrested for?

CRIMES

55. What’s something you really want but can’t afford?

A CAT

Lgbt+ ask game

What do you identify as and what are your pronouns?

I’m even a little shaken by a questioning state right now but for a while I’ve felt the best fit is the androgynous label -- I read a description of it being the purple on a pink to blue scale, both at once but not specifically either one, and something else by itself. I’m also happy with a cryptic masculine grey area. My pronouns are he/him.

How did you discover your sexuality, tell your story?

During the Puberty 1.0 nightmare, I was basically living someone else’s life, and any attraction I felt wasn’t in relation to myself. I felt disconnected from my body and gender and everything too, and I felt a lot of social pressure to experience a certain type of attraction, fit into a certain role, et cetera, and none of these feelings existed in me at all, so I used to identify as ace. When I realized I was trans, I was too caught up in the, transition safely, my life is a lie, stopping dysphoria drama to focus on this, but I had an idea I might be a gay guy judging from my gay creative writing until I caught feelings for a girl and realized this wasn’t the first time that had happened. Some bi positivity and nonbinary rage later, I am reminded that gender is a joke.

Have you experienced being misgendered? What happened and how did you overcome it?

Yes of course A LOT. Starting with my parents, who do it aggressively and maliciously. And plenty from strangers and customers, mostly after hearing my voice pre-transition. It used to hurt terribly because I was dealing with so much other stuff at the time, and one little thing could be the last straw, so I used to react strongly and harshly, to people you express yourself to anyway. On T, I’ve been so much more chill and confident, and it’s less painful to accept that some people just don’t know any better, although that doesn’t change its effect.

Who was the first person you told, how did they react?

I don’t remember, I think it was a high school friend. I vaguely remember texting someone in a bathroom during a crying session at work. My high school friends were all warm and supportive.

Describe what it was like coming out, what did you feel?

It was scary as hell. I’m sure coming out (with your gender specifically) is scary by nature because it’s a huge truth to be telling that can really change how the people you love perceive you, for better or for worse, but for me, I’m also thinking with the dread and certainty that my family would be too conservative and potentially dangerous. Coming out to my family was one of the worst, most painful things I’ve ever been through -- being kicked out and laughed at, a lot of drama, confrontations, Bible readings and being ganged up on at odd hours, trying to comfort my mom who took it as her personal failure -- I was shaking with adrenaline 24/7. I think of the “I’ll suffer through anything as long as it has meaning” comment that was about angsty fanfics, but knowing the truth about myself was a source of unshakable strength and it felt refreshing and even triumphant to say, like I was giving myself permission to exist for the first time. I came out a bunch of times, though...

If you’re out, how did your parents/guardians/friends react?

My family reacted mostly badly, my sister is a little confused but has the spirit, and my friends have been wonderful.

What is one question you hate people asking about your sexuality?

It’s more of a gender thing, but I hate it when people imply that I shouldn’t be on T or are subtly trying to talk me out of it with their questions. After all the disrespectful as fuck bullshit I heard from my parents, I’m tired of this.

Describe the style of clothing that you most often wear.

Zombie apocalypse denim? Gay Layers

Who are your favourite lgbt+ ships?

I’m not really emotionally invested in these “ships” you cool kids are talking about. I like canon, age-appropriate ones.

What does makeup mean to you? Do you wear any?

I’ve never really worn makeup. I brazenly never bothered to growing up, and if it had an effect on me socially, I was too tuned out to care. My sister always wanted to do my hair and makeup, but I wasn’t interested and wouldn’t let her, much to her frustration. I wore some for a musical once though, and I had no idea what I was doing and it was extremely uncomfortable. I felt what I know now is dysphoria and ended up using the lipstick to draw. Another aspect to this is my family forbade it (or my dad made the decision for everyone), not that it made my sister feel less pressured to wear it, so maybe it was some female presentation I could easily get out of. For that reason, I don’t have super strong feelings about it. Not understanding it probably resulted in me feeling left out a lot among my peers.

Do you experience dysphoria? If so, how does that affect you?

Yes. Before my realization, it was a numb horror I wasn’t consciously aware of, ruining nice things growing up to the point where I feel like I missed out on being a teenager. I remember it as feeling nauseous while sitting in a corner, feeling like none of my clothes ever fit for some mysterious reason. Living with my family in the closet, it defined my life, and I was obsessed with my presentation. These days, it does not bother me on that level at all, except a minor freakout now and then if I get really wild and wear feminine clothes. Or I still feel it in more subtle ways, when I default to customer service voice, or when guys my age are twice my height and I look aaaall the way up at them and wonder what gender they see me as.

What is the stupidest thing you’ve heard said about the lgbt+ community?

Trust me, I have heard truck loads of dumb shit and the winner is the Gay Agenda is R****a’s propaganda to weaken the integrity of North America. Considering what is happening over there, it was enragingly stupid.

What’s your favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?

I feel like I can be myself around lgbt+ people. I don’t feel like I have to hide stuff or put on a show, and I’m not afraid because it’s familiar territory.

What’s your least favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?

Aside from obvious problems like TERFs, ace discourse. Ace people are part of the community if they want to be and that’s enough on that, my skin is already breaking out.

Have you ever been to your cities pride event? Why or why not?

I finally went to a Pride event this year! I was surprised it was the first one I’d been to, then remembered my parents discouraged me from going anywhere, never mind to a gay where.

Who is your favourite lgbt+ Icon/Advocate/Celebrity?

I can’t think of many people right now, but Leslie Feinberg seems awesome, and some quotes from Stone Butch Blues are very validating.

Have you been in a relationship and how did you meet?

No. Technically I have been in one, but it was shitty and ridiculous, and basically platonic, and I don’t want it to count.

What is your favourite lgbt+ book?

I barely read… I read Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe in high school and it was honestly so precious.

Have you ever faced discrimination? What happened?

Yes. I got kicked out (but then kicked back in again), had my stuff stolen and damaged, was verbally harassed… and I was indirectly fired by an employer, but We Will Never Know Why...

Your Favorite lgbt+ movie or show?

Queer Eye! I don’t know of many though, and some important ones, I just haven’t watched.

Who are some of your favourite lgbt+ bloggers?

My mutuals :D

Which lgbt+ slur do you want to reclaim?

I’m okay calling myself queer.

Have you ever gone to a gay bar, or a drag show, how was it?

No, but I did see some drag performances at the one (1) Pride event I went to, and they were jaw-dropping.

How do you self-identify your gender, and what does that mean to you?

I’m not sure what this question means, but I decide what fits right by what makes me feel the most alive and emotionally real and in the moment. What makes me feel the most attractive to be honest. There’s a post about dysphoria I saw going around, the things on it are basically what I use to figure things out.

Are you interested in having children? Why or why not?

I am actually! Not anytime soon, but I’m the responsible type for sure, and judging by the way I love growing plants and being around animals, I’m probably a nurturing person. I actually like kids too, lol, they’re just so high-energy.

What identity advice would you give your younger self?

You’re a boy. Go!

What do you think of gender roles in relationships?

I think people are going to have different ways of expressing themselves that make them happy, but… I don’t think they should infringe on basic human decency. When I hear “role” I think of acting a certain way because someone told you to, something I want to disagree with on the spot.

Anything else you want to share about your experience with gender?

People move out of my way on the sidewalk and take me seriously now. Privilege or self-confidence… I never want to forget what it used to be like, or get too entitled.

What is something you wish people know about being lgbt+?

That it’s simply living one’s reality. I think that trips up a lot of straight people -- that some people just come like this, and they don’t have to make it fit into their personal identity.

Why are proud to be lgbt+?

Because I worked hard to be alive and happy right now. I’m proud of choosing to get through those rough patches, take care of myself, heal, take walks, cook breakfast, learn healthy coping mechanisms, that was out of love for myself and a defiant conviction that I have a place in this world.

[mxfitmatrix]

I find myself so irritated tonight.

Backstory: my fiance and I work at the same school, but in different classes. This year, he got a new coworker who is nonbinary and uses they/them pronouns, and whom I also happened to know from my freshman year of college. We were in the college equivalent of a gsa.

At work, I use she/her pronouns, and really they are the pronouns I use most often. My bosses know I'm nonbinary but use she/her pronouns and are super cool about allowing me to dress outside of the gendered dress code and still using she/her. Which is amazing! My dysphoria is usually appearence based, so being able to dress the way I want to means I am comfortable at work (to be fair, they keep the dress code fairly open anyways and it is not heavily gendered to begin with). On top of that, my fiance understands my gender better than anyone else. He knows that being nonbinary is not the same as being agender, and that there are days that I may use different pronouns. He often can tell before I can when I need to use different pronouns, and checks in on me regularly to make sure he's using the right ones for me. So, at work, he uses she/her to refer to me, as I have asked.

Come to find out, his new coworker is angry at my fiance for using she/her pronouns for me, even though I'm nonbinary. According to one of their other coworkers, who asked me after work today about my pronouns and told me about this incidence, this individual believes that because I sometimes use they/them pronouns and am nonbinary, my fiance is a terrible person for not using they/them pronouns to refer to me! Even after we had many discussions recently about pronouns in a school environment, wherein I expressed that I use she/her pronouns multiple times (while also voicing shared frustration that the american education system is still sorely lacking in alternative pronoun awareness within the administration positions). This has led to a hostile environment in their classroom, and explains why they have been particularly difficult towards my fiance. This is especially aggravating because our school requires a cohesive team in order to help our students find success. In their classroom especially, the students pick up on and exploit the emotions of the staff, and have been doing so in regards to my fiance and this coworker.

So not only is this coworker not respecting my pronouns, but is taking it out on my fiance and therefore putting the entire class in jeopardy. After we had multiple conversations about how my specific flavor of nonbinary didn't really place importance on pronouns so long as it wasn't derogatory. Plus like... my fiance is trans too?? He gets the importance of pronouns and using the ones you ask him to use. Never would he disrespect me by usin different pronouns than the ones I ask him to use.

The biggest lesson to take away is, just because someone is nonbinary doesn't mean they have to use they/them or neopronouns. It is just as important to respect nonbinary people with she/her he/him pronouns as it is to respect nonbinary people who use other pronouns. A failure to do so can put more at stake than what it seems.