#and i told her that she was being disrespectful about trans/nonbinary people and that this is an ongoing issue

[spacephrasing]

hello sorry if this is really long and tmi but besties i need some advice

[f4rfields]

ngl sometimes the sentiment of "don't ever say anything that might suggest someone may be trans ever" on tumblr being as pervasive as it is feels less like a "i'm trying to be respectful of how you identify/not trying to pry into something you may not be comfortable with" thing and more adjacent to the "trans-as-social-contagion" line that transphobes have.

i didn't feel like i was able to id as anything but cis woman until one of my transfem nb lesbian friends took the time to ask me how i felt about my relationship to gender after watching me post quite a bit in the vent channels on a discord server we were both on. she told me that a lot of the feelings i was having about my relationship to gender and sexuality were things she had also felt before when figuring her own relationship to it out (albeit her journey was different because she also has to navigate transmisogyny), that i shouldn't be afraid to explore the possibility of being nonbinary and even just using "lesbian" as a means to describe my relationship to gender if that felt right, and that i wouldn't be stepping on anyone's toes in doing so.

and that conversation was like a sigh of relief to me after having held my breath for years and being afraid of putting an actual name to how i felt about myself. tbh, if she hadn't reached out, i'd probably still be here telling myself that i'm a cis woman despite how much the concept made me want to crawl out of my skin and made me feel like i was having to smother a part of myself in the process. and i do not think that this is a completely unique experience.

while there's always a line that can be crossed when it comes to just about any personal topic and ultimately that gender identity is journey of self-discovery, the idea that even mildly and compassionately suggesting that someone might benefit from exploring options with their gender identity during a heart-to-heart is somehow inherently disrespectful, or god forbid, predatory (especially when it comes to transfems) is something a lot of people need to unpack.

[cybermvtt]

The moment is here, EMPLOYER HEADCANONS!!

Keep in mind these are MY headcanons, just personal ones I keep in my heart always and forever :] I love you employers madness combat.. I love u forever and ever

This is gonna be a long one

I love the employers they are so epic and awesome

Most of these hcs kinda follow an au I'm making? I made? Idk how I feel about the au anymore lol but it still stands

I saw someone else with this hc and I'm so glad I'm not the only one but that the employers are almost angel like beings, not exactly "angels" in fact they are VERY far from that, but more so of like, angels who promise false guidance

They each have a role in what they are supposed to do and are very different from eachother personality wise, they have strong personalities that clash with one another

No one knows what the employers are, and they never reveal it, it's kind of like a way of keeping there power by having no one know who they are and where there motives lie. Although some of the employers keep that secret better than others

There little particles are also different! [By that I mean how like, Auditor kinda looks like a flame each of them have there own little thing going on] so like, Auditor is a super wild out of control flame while Stygian is a calm flowing flame, Deliberator is like a blob with little balls of ink, and the conductor almost looks like he's glitching in and out with a more blocky look

They're all are siblings. If not that they have a sibling kind of dynamic, growing up begrudgingly around eachother and having to deal with eachother for God knows how long they've been alive

From youngest to oldest I imagine it's this; Deliberator, Auditor, Stygian, and Conductor

Now to individual hcs

Auditor — I imagine she's transfem, girl boss in a suite kind of vibe yk. She fluctuates though in pronouns, she does not gaf but disrespect her and she will. Being the 2nd youngest Auditor has the most power, although by an outside viewer looking in she seems very threatening and a force not to be dealt with, I imagine she's very petty in nature and does things just to piss people off. She HATES being told what to do and will kill u just for telling her "no" because of this she's grown into such a position in which she has power over the agency. She's stubborn, ruthless, petty, and mean. She has very mixed feelings of her siblings but hates them all equally at the same time. She finds some more unbearing than others but usually Stygian and her can get along as there very similar in personality.

Deliberator — I'd like to also think she's trans but not sure where she lies between trans nonbinary or a trans women. She strictly goes by she/her. I'd like to think she's the least threatening out of the group. You'd probably see her feeding pigeons atleast once or twice. She's oblivious and curious. She isn't honestly sure of the world and likes to explore what she can. She's fairly quiet in nature though which can be frightening when looking at her as she most resembles a ghost out of all of her siblings. She's somewhat sweet though in a very odd way. She's very odd, she doesn't really know HOW to socialize with others. Out of the siblings she is byfar the less in power, which she is aware of and doesn't care for. Conductor is particularly hostile towards anyone who tries to be around Deliberator, a protective big brother of sorts to a young sister, she has a pretty okay realationship with her two other sisters though.

Stygian — Don't know what she is but she's definitely not cis. Also fluctuates in pronouns and term usage. Stygian is a very high in class person. She loves to look her best. She likes to get all glammed up and look all pretty just for herself, she's never seen without a glass of wine in her hand. Can she even drink it? No one knows. Though she is petty she is not as much as Auditor. While Auditor uses her power for intimation, Stygian uses hers for manipulation. She knows how to pick at a person and press the right buttons for them to feel bad about themselves or abide to her. She uses others insecurities to get her way and make them do all the work for her. She is VERY outwardly rude towards people and won't skip a second to make sure you know it. She is not afraid of confrontation and insulting you in front of your face. She deems herself as perfect and a person who has no flaws, therefore if you try to do it back it simply won't affect her, but that doesn't mean she WONT kill you afterwards. Stygian especially loves gossip, it's how her and Auditor get along so well. She usually drops tea at the end of the day. Stygian is fine with Deliberator, sometimes babies her alittle too much but her and Conductor have a hatred only siblings could. She pushes his buttons and he threatens her, simple as that.

Conductor — The only boy of the family, he uses he/him but honestly doesn't gaf aswell. Conductor just wants to go home man, he hates everything and everyone. He doesn't tolerate much as he gets angry very easily and it will usually end in you being thrown full force into a wall. He serves as a kind of "bodygaurd" for the others but especially towards Deliberator. He understands how oblivious she can be and as an older sibling feels like he's responsible for everyone else. He keeps them all in check and is able to get through to them very easily. He can't detect tones very well, he sounds very passive aggressive all the time but that's just cuz he doesn't understand HOW to convey anything else.

That's all I really have as of now, I may edit this in the future but that's all rn!!! If u guys have some hcs I'd love to hear them!/if u wanna hear more hcs hmu... I am full of them

Ok byebye

[shadamyheadcanons]

Submission #100!

One time, Shadow and Amy were having lunch with one of Shadow’s friends, who openly admitted to being a trans woman. Shadow gave his friend a hug, told her how proud he was of her and not only applauded her for her courage, but promised to support her any way he could. Amy thought that this was quite possibly the sweetest thing that Shadow had ever done for anybody, gave him a hug and a kiss, and told him how proud she was of him for being so kind and supportive to people from the LGBTQ+ community.

Happy Pride Month!

–

((Happy Pride Month, and happy hundredth submission, too!

Definitely. I wrote a headcanon once about Amy coming out to him as pansexual, and he had a similar reaction.

I see Shadow as the type of character who, while not trans himself, doesn’t really care about gender, and anyone who disrespected his friends would have a Chaos Spear with their name on it.

I can’t help but headcanon Silver as being queer on some level, and when he comes out to Shadow and Amy in a pseudo “coming out to the parents” conversation, I jokingly consider it going like this:

Silver: “Guys, I’m…I’m bisexual. And nonbinary.” Amy: “Oh, wow! Congratulations! Thanks for telling us!” Shadow: “Ok. Sure.” Silver: “...” Amy: “...” Shadow: “What?” Silver: “...You’re not...upset? Are you...okay with it...?” Shadow, suddenly brimming with rage: “Wait, are people giving you trouble over this?!” Silver: “Oh, no! It’s nothing like that! I just–” Shadow: “Here, take this.” Silver: “What is...? ”Shadow: “Can’t believe I haven’t taught you how to shoot a gun yet. First, you–” Amy: “SHADOW NO” Shadow: “You’re right, psychokinesis is more effective anyway.” Silver: “...” Amy: “...” Shadow: “So what are your pronouns?” Silver: “He/they.” Shadow: “Great. Let’s go get ice cream.”

For real, though, he’s here for a reason:

And I like to think Sonic’s view on this is the consensus for our protagonists:

Happy Pride Month, everyone!))

[woomycritiques543]

I saw your take on vivziepop and I was like woah what the heck Viv? I am a Black asian Non Binary trans person I wanted to ask some questions only another non binary person can answer. one I can get more advice on especially for my mental health as a trans enby because it's been bothering me a lot.

Why do people love to erase us nonbinary and trans folk? Why do they love disrespecting us? Seeing the posts and evidence against Viv makes me super upset that I feel like I'm basically not allowed to exist as a trans nonbinary person. Or that were not allowed to exist as human beings because we keep on being erased. I didn't know Viv would take it this far by Erasing a Clearly trans character in the show for queer people. Does Viv hate nonbinary people too? Because I don't see a damn enby character anywhere at All! For a queer show runner she should stay consistent! But she's not! There was actually a horrible person on Twitter somewhere that said you can only be non binary if you are intersex??? Which doesn't make sense to me at all because it's different!? I... I'm super offended by Viv and people disrespecting us. I am non binary and trans so that's that! I will never be erased!

Im cis, but I am ok with being referred to with different pronouns besides "He" and "It" since im not comfortable with those. But to answer your question, there is a freind I know who is nonbinary, so I decided to ask for their say, and this was his response:

"I understand the frustration. Personally it makes me upset to see in Helluva Boss's case that Viv can have gnc queer men as jokes, and the one trans character we get has 3 lines and tons of merch making it feel like we're only valued as something to sell.

Let alone it hurts to see characters like Moxxie are treated like jokes for being gnc when for me it feels like Im being told there's something wrong with people i know who are gnc. Or like me who considers themselves trans masc but has long hair and isnt passing.

I want to think Viv means well, I really do, at the same time I'm not gonna pretend she didn't have a trans masc character who in the show was now a cis and only gave her trans woman character 3 lines and then sold a ton of merch of her in a way that feels even more unpleasant seeing that a character who was intended to be trans masc was made to be cis.

Viv can say she hates terfs, but she actively supported terfs in the past and hating terfs doesnt mean youre normal around trans people.

I think when we face things like this its all the more important to be vocal about it. Not just the times things are mishandled and how and why but when they're good as well. It can be great we have a trans girl character, but it doesnt feel as great when you erase another trans character and seem to only use said trans woman character to sell merch. It borders on performative especially because Viv is indie and has far more control than most people.

Im not sure if that covers enough but lemme know!"

-from, (will only send the blog with permission.)

DISCLAIMER:

CIS FANS, DO NOT DERAIL THIS POST.

THIS IS FROM A TRANS PRESPECTIVE SO DO NOT ARGUE OR DERAIL!

[queer-advice-hotline]

Hi! Not rlly used to talking about this type of stuff - but I figured I should maybe see if anyone had ever been in a similar situation or anything.

long story btw...

TW for mentions of homophobia ig

Okay so, for many years I was under the impression that my mother was actually completely and utterly fine with the queer community and I found out not that long ago that that was apparently not true.

For some background info to how I thought that ig - my mum often worked for very long hours and I adored all the time I could spend with her when she wasn't working. To me she was a role model and due to most likely being 'too young' I didn't get to hear a lot of her opinions about certain things (such as the queer community, but also other things) and built up an image of my mother in my mind who would always support me and constantly told myself how lucky I was bc there were so many ppl out there who didn't have the same fortune and probably never felt like they could connect with their mothers.

I however found out when I was in my first yr of highschool (yr 7 where i am) that she actually wasn't as open minded as I'd hoped.

I started hearing her talk about how she didn't believe a trans man could ever be a man/how a trans woman could never be a woman. Making comments on how ppl who were nonbinary didn't make sense/couldn't exist and how they/them pronouns were dumb and how anyone who didn't identify with either gay, straight or bi was weird. She also made comments about how she was willing to use a trans person's pronouns in front of them if they made sense (she/her or he/him only) and didn't bother when they weren't around bc she thought it didn't matter.

She also was always talking about how she didn't want people talking about this stuff all the time and how she was so annoyed by ppl constantly making children's media queer - to a point where last year she started feeling like there was a possibility that I was being exposed to too much queer media (I was trying to borrow books that had queer characters cause I grew up not all that knowing of the Lgbtqai community) and started banning me from buying/borrowing books that she thought were 'too gay' or 'too queer' and not even letting me touch the ones with trans characters - which was odd bc we'd watched movies with queer ppl in it before and she'd been fine with it! (mostly with them as background characters or not the MC e.g. Mitch and Cam + their friends in Modern Family). She then started going through my books I borrowed to make sure they weren't queer.

She seemed okay with other people being bi or gay irl but when she talked to me she often said things like 'you can be anything u want except gay or trans' and 'no bringing home a boy until ur 18 and no bringing home any girlfriends every - and nothing other either (derogative)' as well as often talking about how she wants to find me a church boy with similar ideals to my family's ones.

This has been rlly upsetting - I figured out I was aro early on, however with my mother's reactions I fear she would most likely invalidate me/try and get me a bf anyway. Also I realised that I wasn't cis (nonbinary or agender) and now I'm scared that if I ever transition too much (bc I want to get a binder and possibly one day have top surgery and I want to get masc haircuts and all that) or actually start going by a diff name in public + diff pronouns that she might just through me out or send me back to my home country to 'set me straight' bc where I'm from being queer is not common (even though we have managed to make gay marriage legal).

This is also bad not just bc of me but bc I have friends who r queer who have been huge helps and I always wanted them to feel safe around me and my family however now I'm scared to ever so much as introduce some of them to my parents in fear of them being misgendered/disrespected or her banning me from seeing them.

I always hear ppl talking about cutting off their families or learning to live without them when they're older but I'm the eldest and expected to look after my parents when they get older. Not to mention - I have a brother who is 13 yrs younger then me and though sometimes I feel as if I don't quite feel the emotional connection I should (won't be getting into that) I also don't want him to grow up without some sort of other older guidance as I feel like he is very different to me and also when I was younger my parents worked a lot with allowed me to have more perspective on the world other then theirs were-as my brother will most likely have their opinions shoved down his throat and I can't stand the thought of him growing up to be some weird 'alpha-male' type who pushes down his feelings, is homophobic/transphobic and decides that he doesn't like anyone different. This would mean that I most likely wouldn't be able to leave him until he was around 18 too and I have so much family that I genuinely don't think that I'd be able to leave them all behind + I don't want to have to be scared to enjoy my own culture (bc I am from a small island and my family has a lot of ties + is rlly big and I wouldn't be able to go far without someone mentioning my father, mother, cousins, or grandparents).

I genuinely habe no idea what to do or if there is a solution to my problems or if i'd have to one day simply come out and be prepared for my family to hate me or if i'd just have to keep a huge part of me secret until I died but I thought it'd be better to share then to bottle all this up

I seems like a pretty complicated situation, so knowing what exactly to do is tricky.

I definitely don't think you should come out to your family now. The chances of you being disowned, thrown out, or something else seems pretty high. If you decide you want to come out, I think waiting until you are living on your own or at least are independent from your family is the best and safest option.

Anyone with other advice feel free to share.

[glitchdollmemoria]

yknow on the topic of that it/its post, its really fucking frustrating that i cant usually feel comfortable calling my partner it/its in public when that is a pronoun set it uses. bc i dont want people flipping their shit being like "umm why are you calling your PARTNER an IT dont you LOVE uhh them her him um what other ones have you used again im confused haha help please" YOU IDIOT IM CALLING IT "IT" BECAUSE I LOVE IT!!!!! if you disrespect my wife i will HARM YOU IN SOME WAY

and fucking like. idk. i also use it/its among other pronouns, and i dont even tell people irl most of the time bc i know people tend to react poorly. and im just fucking tired of people using their discomfort to justify ignoring or even insulting aspects of another persons identity. and on the one hand i sorta get if someone has been traumatized by seeing trans people dehumanized by being called "it" or having experienced that dehumanization firsthand. i have literally been called an "it" before i started using these pronouns bc of my androgyny, i fucking used to live in the conservative usamerican south i KNOW this is a way that people dehumanize us.

but theyre still my pronouns. theyre still my partners pronouns. if we are actively saying, "these make us comfortable, these make us happy" then that is NOT the same as some bigot who doesnt see us as people.

and im gonna try to word this next part carefully, bc i dont want to give the impression that i dont care about the trauma that comes with transphobes using it/its to dehumanize us. but at the same time... he/him, she/her, and they/them are all ALSO used to deny us our human autonomy. they are all used to insult and debase us depending on the circumstances. those people who make a point to call trans people by the wrong pronouns? the ones who specifically paint transmascs as Stupid Confused Foolish Women because our ~womanly brains~ are just too small to understand that we arent men, the people who make this point with a firm "she"? the ones who do the same to transfems, painting them as dangerous and aggressive, and misgendering them specifically to make that point? even to some degree the people who dont want to correctly gender any of us because we dont fit their standards for a Real Man or a Real Woman, but they still want to come off as liberal and supportive and progressive and a Good Ally, so they just call us all "they" instead of actually respecting who we are, and insist on still doing this even when explicitly told not to?

all of them weaponize one pronoun or another to cause us harm. all of them use "acceptable" (or at least SOMEWHAT "acceptable" in the case of they/them) pronouns to harm us, to deny us the autonomy to make our own choices about our bodies and lives and existences. it/its is NOT the only one.

i have been hurt by people insistently calling me "she", by people calling others in my community "she", it has been weaponized against me to the extent that im only just beginning to unpack and accept my femininity as a nonbinary person after a decade of knowing i wasnt cis. the weaponization of she/her pronouns has caused lasting psychological effects that have, perhaps permanently, altered the way i view myself and how i interact with the people around me. and NONE OF THAT DAMAGE justifies me telling anyone that im not comfortable using she/her for them, no matter the circumstances, because i dont get to decide what pronouns someone else uses!

again: i know theres still a difference between those examples and it/its. but its not as MUCH of a difference as people act like it is, and its frustrating to have to keep a part of my and my partners identities hidden away just because other people dont find those parts acceptable. its fucking tiring. i want to live as myself - as a person who has reclaimed feelings of inhumanity - and i want my partner to live as itself too. im. tired.

[d3nt4l-d4m4g3]

A few days ago, I emailed my former professor about a paper on women’s food practices in the middle ages. At least, that’s what I told him it was about, initially. 

But actually, I wanted to discuss heresy. This professor teaches a women’s rights course every year. Every year at the beginning of the class, he calls attention to why he, a man, is talking about women’s rights. He looks us in the eyes and says, no one else is doing it, and I’m sorry it’s me.

This man made us read the SCUM manifesto, Gerda Lerner, Maria Mies. He grazed the subject of the Lesbian Sex Wars, delicately, so gingerly, posing the question: “Can sex work ever be just work?”  And my  (all woman) classmates, generally mute—in a Women’s Rights class, they all seemed averse to saying the word “woman,” at all. Then one woman raised her hand. and she said, “Sex work is real work.”  A statement that, as I hope you know, is a deflection and a discussion killer.  

At the time I was non-binary. Hah. I submitted a comic at the end of the year of my final project. My thesis for that project was this: the very language female people have to use for themselves was constructed by the patriarchy. for example, the english word “vagina” comes from the latin word for “sheath”. so the vagina invokes the act of penetration upon its utterance. Whereas the word “penis” has no clear etymological root, implying that it is original while the vagina is constructed for him. Why should I carry the fact that I will always be a tool, the hole, of the human that is man? My solution, at the end of the comic, was to continue using they/them pronouns, to shield myself from the horror of being a wo-man, a s-he—an appendage of Him. 

I got a good grade. A stellar report. And it wasn’t a bad comic, for what I knew then. For my condition of blindness and deafness. I made a compelling argument, using sources from class.  But oh, how much older I feel now. I’ve always felt old but now I feel almost like I’m dying. Like I don’t have enough time to fix the world before I disappear. And women’s stories never survive. They are not surviving. networks spring up like mycelium and then every century at least they are burned. Witchcraft is in the air shared by women in a room of their own, and witchcraft is doused in gasoline.

I don’t have enough time to explain how the veil lifted for me. Maybe I forget the big moment. the days after were a blur of searching the no-no tags like radical feminist, GNC, gender critical. Amazed at the wealth of journals that these women linked to with real statistics showing that children are being sterilized for no reason. Mostly gay children. like me, a lesbian, who now lives in a house with three  “non-binary afabs”. This summer, one of these women, who I have known since freshman year, will start taking testosterone, a procedure I took up  for three turbulent months during my freshman year of college. I get to watch her become what I turned away from, knowing the experience fractured my sense of self to a point of  terror and estrangement. I get to watch her hide from her problems and cut herself off from womanhood the way I did for 3 years. I am not a woman, so do I not feel Woman’s pain, she is telling me, I told myself, when I was in a dream.  She has so many problems, she laughs. But trans is a separate problem that has nothing to do with those other problems. A coincidence.

 (For any trans people reading this, you may think: This transtrender fake-trans never-was-trans woman is treating these nonbinary people as if they were dead! as if they weren’t happy people finally living their truth! —well. I put my mom through the process of trying to convince her that I should have always been a man. and I did lose her, for months. For her it was the height of cognitive dissonance that I should want to go on a life-altering hormone to cure my lifelong social awkwardness and self-hatred and self-harm and depression. And I blamed her for not accepting my real self. I was basically made to shun her and my family because of transphobia.. It is disrespectful to anyone’s sanity and integrity for me to perpetuate that cognitive dissonance in this post.)

So I eventually got through to the professor. I knew because of the texts he had us to read for class. He is gay.  He has read all the theory, and lives by it.  And no (woman) student wants to speak to him. To bring the theory alive. They cannot breathe into it and it sits dead in his mouth.

Maybe it is because he is a man. because the presence of one man in a space of all women immediately sends up alerts.  lockdown. Certainly that is the case. Radical Feminists here: I know he’s a man. But I don’t have a woman. And I felt on the strength of the texts he’d given us that he would be my best bet. Maybe somewhere in the corrupted, rotting heart of my college there was a person who knew about thoughtcrimes and was thinking them anyway.

My professor starts with diversion. He starts by talking about my paper. I find it disconcerting that he starts that way. I worry that he won’t want to refer to my email. Where I say: I have woken up from a dream to the apocalypse—Does this man think I’m crazy? Chipper and kind of frantically, he lists off  primary sources of medieval nuns and women saints. for my paper.  Does this man think I’ve turned into a bigot?  Am I confessing lunacy, like a flat-earther?

But I steer the conversation to the meat at his first tentative encouragement. I tell him something like: “children, mostly gay children, a whole generation of gay children, are being sterilized. Porn is a symptom of late-stage capitalism—men’s ownership of women’s bodies. trans is an extension of this. I was part of this. I was in a cult.” I was shaking a bit. I don’t think I’d uttered those words out loud. They sound crazy. Some of the things I said did sound far-fetched. disorganized, remote. But I prayed that my professor would believe some of it, any of it. 

 What I will say is that he believes me.  Thank fuck, right?

He tells me something along the lines of this, vocalizing my fears: 

that all of academia is being scrubbed of anything that doesn’t support Trans.

And it is trans-identified female students and women who are reporting him to Title IX, who spend all their time in his classes fuming at the lack of validation for trans women in the  history of women. My sisters, footsoldiers for the cause. What cruel irony. This man is holding onto this class by his fingernails, speaking through his teeth, hoping any of the twenty young adult women staring blankly or angrily at him will hear him and listen.

 Looking back, the professor’s responses to my emails are vague, completely refusing to acknowledge a point of view other than “WOW. I look forward to discussing this.”  I think he thinks he could be blackmailed. Anything he says on gmail dot com can and would be used against him. It’s like, really, really, really that bad. 

No ideology should involve a cultural cleaning of women’s history feat. witch hunts. 

I will end here with an excerpt from my first email to this professor:

I'm sure you know what a total bummer it is to realize this. 

[centuriantalevevo]

Scaramouche heavily defending Nonbinary! Reader

TW: Misgendering, transphobia, self doubt, slurs. Read with caution

ALSO FORGOT TO MENTION @strawbxrrytiger because you wanted to me tagged in a post i ever made WELL I GOT SCARA X ENBY READER DONE LMAOOO

Note: this will be using MY definition of nonbinary which may not be the same as everyone else's. Do not try correcting me as I'm using my own definition and my own experience and feelings of being nonbinary to make this, if you don't like it you can read something else or bear with it. I don't mean to sound harsh.

Scaramouche meets (y/n) and miraculously gets close to them.

At one point they trust him enough and finally come out to him about being nonbinary, he doesn't fully understand it at first so they explain it

"Basically, I'm neither a man nor a woman. I basically have no gender- you could call it null I guess. Non being not and binary being made of the things- these two things being man and woman. So; not made of two things, man and woman."

"Oh... So... you don't feel as though you're a girl exactly, but not a boy either. So does that mean you don't know? Or you genuinely just don't feel as though you're either gender?" "In a way. I do know, I know for a fact I'm not a boy or a girl. Whenever I'm referred to as a boy or a girl, it just feels very weird.. it's uncomfy. I dunno how to explain- like.. your skin crawling? Maybe a numb type of feeling?"

"So... you don't want to be called he or she?" "No, I want to be called by they, because that's what I am." "So... are you changing your name then?" "I already did. When I met you, I introduced myself with the name I go by now, and not my deadname."

"What's a deadname?" "A deadname is a name that a trans person went by in the past, your birth name after you change it to something else. It's generally really rude to deadname someone or expose someone's deadname and can even be dangerous. Deadnaming someone and it just being a GENUINE accident, and you instantly correct yourself; that's fine! That's acceptable because we all forget and we have to get used to change, same thing with pronouns. So if you accidentally call me the wrong pronouns the first few times, that's okay. Just correct yourself and move on, it's not too big of a deal until you deliberately do it on purpose." They explained and the harbinger nodded, "What if I hear someone call you the wrong pronouns?" "Correct them. If they ignore that and continue on doing it with absolutely no regard to what you said, do whatever you want. If they correct themself and apologize, all is good."

Scara was always a relatively fast learner so he picked it up pretty quickly and when he DID accidentally misgender them, he corrected himself faster than the speed of light.

He was the most supportive of everyone- surprisingly enough.

The issue was Dottore and the Tsaritsa. The tsaritsa just didn't give a shit and Dottore was Dottore.

Dottore found it stupid and refused to listen, but no one take him seriously when he says its not possible because remember he's a psycho doctor. Literally does unethical shit. So... yeah.

When Dottore first misgendered them, Scaramouche corrected him. But he rolled his eyes and didn't listen, and when he continued doing the same thing, Scaramouche almost beat his ass- he had to be held back.

He never really respected the Tsaritsa, but the moment she and her minions dismissed it and disrespected them over it, any form or respect he ever had for them was GONE. And he was this close to taking down a god.

He was always wary after that and WAS ready to throw hands with anyone who disrespected (Y/N) because of it. He's attacked multiple people for it.

He always makes sure to validate them and reassure them if he feels they are at any point feeling self doubt.

He actually got them a flag. They told him about the flag and stuff a long while back but thought he'd forget all about it.

He didn't.

He surprised them with one during Pride month.

They cried out of happiness.

He also got them the trans flag for Christmas!

He got them a "they/them" pin in case they wanted it

Scaramouche ACTUALLY went as far as to kill some of his subordinates because they dared to fuck with (Y/N)'s identity. Some subordinates misgendered them and he just fucking clapped them- the majority if the subordinates didn't dare to test them after that. The newer and cockier ones will try but they're shut down instantly. Be it by death or not.

He helps them get hormones if they want them, he helps them with everything he possibly can.

Considering his position of power and his money, he's able to buy them anything they need.

They want a binder? He can get that.

They want to get on hormones? He can get that

If the certain place (Y/N) lives at isn't accepting, he'll move them somewhere else, somewhere safe and accepting.

Put Scara in our world and he will have.... a ball to say the least.

Considering he's willing to kill, he'd probably annihilate half of the population if he finds who is transphobic and shit and who isn't.

Let him see the US government- I can promise the government will no longer exist after he's done-

America: exists, Scaramouche: Not today bitch

Suddenly America is the most accepting place in the world and has laws protecting the LGBT

I wonder who did that- did they have a change of heart? (Spoiler alert: no, Scaramouche just killed anyone who opposed him, making even the government afraid of him)

He borderline killed Dottore once for misgendering them and stuff.

As you can see, Scaramouche is incredibly protective and said trans rights at all costs

He's willing to commit war crimes for LGBT rights bro-

He'd love Scandinavia /srs

"Hey, Scara? Can I.. uhm... tell you something?" "Hm? What is it?" The harbinger looked up from some sheets of paper he was going over. "It's... really important... and I'm telling you because I really trust you..." They said and Scaramouche nodded, signaling to continue. "I'm trans, nonbinary specifically." They said and Scaramouche tilted his head. "I know what trans is, but what's nonbinary?" He asks as (Y/N) sits down in front of him.

"Nonbinary is... basically the lack of gender. Literally being not made of two things, man and woman. Non, not; binary, made of two this, these two things being man and woman." They explained, "So basically I have no gender, in layman's terms." They added and he nodded slowly, "So... that means you use... He? She?" He asked, and (Y/N) shook their head, "I use they/them. Gender neutral pronouns." "Isn't that... Isn't that plural though?? I'm sorry, I'm a bit confused." He said with a look of confusion and (Y/N) laughed a little.

"It's alright! Yes, they/them is plural but it can be singular... Say, you see someone drop their weapon, and you don't know the gender of the person... What woud you say? Saying 'he or she dropped his or her weapon' takes too long, and there's simpler ways to say it." They explained and Scaramouche thought for a minute, "They dropped their weapon?" He responded and they nodded, "Yep. 'Hey, THEY dropped THEIR weapon' 'My friend is pretty cool, I think you'd like THEM', there are a ton of examples for when someone uses they/them in a singular context. But a comment joke that nonbinaries make with people saying that it's plural is something like 'I'm actually 300 rats in a trenchcoat', or literally just any thing with a big number and a trenchcoat." They explained with a small smile.

"So, do you go by another name then?" "The name I told you when I first met you is the name I go by now. My deadname doesn't matter anymore." They told him and he blinked some, "deadname?" He asked, "A name that I no longer go by. The name your born with is considered your deadname when you change it. It's really rude to deadname people or reveal someone's deadname, hell it can be dangerous." They said, "Why would anyone even do that? What's the point? What do you gain from that?" He asked and (Y/N) shrugged, "Some people just wanna be horrible... There are transphobic people, there are people who hate us for simply existing." "If I find put anyone does anything like that to you, does anything transphobic, I WILL kill them. Very brutally, actually." Scaramouche said, his voice went threatening for a moment.

"There is also a completely separate thing called enbyphobia. Transphobia is just prejudice and shit against trans people as a whole but then we have enbyphobia." "Why?" "I'm about to tell you. Basically, some trans people don't even think nonbinaries exist. Some say they aren't actually trans, and are looking for attention or trying to be special. They call nonbianaries tenders. Trans tenders are an entirely different conversation for a different day." They explained Scaramouche nodded, "wait wait... People actually are prejudice against their OWN demographic?!" "Unfortunately... It's... it's a crack house sometimes, Unfortunately. Sometimes the LGBT community is... a shit show, to say the least. But that's just the loud ones. As they say, the bad ones are always the loudest." They answered and Scaramouche sighed, "of course.. no community is perfect."

The day passed but eventually Scaramouche asked another question that had been on his mind. "(Y/N)," "Ya?" "So... you're nonbianary and only want gender neutral word usage right?" He asked and they simply nodded. "So what honorific would you use? Instead of Miss, Misses, and Mister..." He asked and (Y/N) nodded, "Good question! I prefer Mix, that's abbreviated like M and X. But pronounced as Mix." They explained, "Alright... What about.. for example, I'm dating you. What would I call you?" He asked, trying to hide the small tint of red on his cheeks. "Um... I personally prefer enbyfriend. There IS joyfriend but I really hate that word, it just sounds really weird. You can also use partner, lover, significant other, stuff like that." They responded with a small smile. "And for family like they'd use... Sibling, or child? Or grandchild? Wait what about replacing aunt, uncle, mom, dad, niece, and nephew?" He asked, "Oh! Yeah, child and sibling. I also like demon spawn for comedic purposes. For replace mom or dad, I like nomi. I originally thought nobi but that might be hard for little kids to say. There's also ren, parent, I really like parental unit- once again for comedic purposes." They said with a little laugh and Scaramouche chuckled a bit.

"For aunt, uncle, niece, and nephew... I don't know, truthfully. One day I'll figure that out. Oh, for instead of God or Goddess, I like Goddex!" They added with a grin.

----

That's all I can think of rn forgive me- however Scaramouche x Nonbinary! Reader SUPREMACY!!!

[justmenoworries]

Not Up For Interpretation - An Essay On Nonbinary - Erasure

(Trigger Warning: Misgendering, Transphobia, Nonbinary-phobia)

If you’ve been following me for a while, you probably know this was a long time coming. I’ve made several posts about my frustrations concerning this topic and how much it hurt me just how socially accepted erasing an entire identity still is. While representation marches on and things have become better for nonbinary people as a whole, we still battle with a lot of prejudice - both intentional and unintentional.

In this essay, I want to discuss just how our identities are being erased almost daily, why that is harmful and hurtful and what we all can do to change that.

Chapters:

What does Non-binary mean?

Nonbinary- representation in media

So what’s the problem?

How do we fix it?

1. What Does Non-binary Mean?

Non-binary is actually an umbrella term. It includes pretty much every gender-identity that’s neither one or the other so to speak, for example, agender.

Agender means feeling detachment from the gender spectrum in general. If you’re agender, you most likely feel a distance to the concept of gender as a whole, that it doesn’t define you as a person.

There are many identities that classify under non-binary: There’s gender-fluid (you feel you have a gender, but it’s not one gender specifically and can change), demi-gender (identifying as a gender partially, but not completely) and many others.

Sometimes, multiple non-binary identities can mix and match.

Most non-binary people use they/them pronouns, but like with so many things, it varies.

Some nonbinary-people (like me) go by two pairs of pronouns. I go by both she/her and they/them, because it’s what feels most comfortable at the moment. But who knows, maybe in the future I’ll switch to they/them exclusively or expand to he/him.

There is no one defining non-binary experience. Nb-people are just as varied and different as binary people, who go by one specific gender.

There are non-binary people who choose to go solely by she/her or he/him and that’s okay too. It doesn’t make them any more or less non-binary and their identity is still valid.

If your head’s buzzing a bit by now: That’s okay. It’s a complicated topic and no one expects you to understand all of it in one chapter of one essay.

Just know this: If a person identifies as non-binary, you should respect their decision and use the pronouns they go with.

It’s extremely hurtful to refer to someone who already told you that they use they/them pronouns with she/her or he/him, or use they/them to refer to a person who uses she/her.

Think about it like using a trans-person’s deadname: It’s rude, it’s harmful and it shows complete disrespect for the person.

Non-binary people have existed for a very long time. The concept isn’t new. The idea that there are only two genders, with every other identity being an aberration to the norm, is largely a western idea, spread through colonialism.

The Native American people use “Two-Spirit” to describe someone who identifies neither as a man nor a woman. The term itself is relatively new, but the concept of a third gender is deeply rooted in many Native American cultures.

(Author’s Note: If you are not Native American, please do not use it. That’s cultural appropriation.)

In India, the existence of a third gender has always been acknowledged and there are many terms specifically for people who don’t identify with the gender that was assigned to them at birth.

If you’re interested in learning more about non-binary history and non-binary identities around the world, I’d recommend visiting these websites:

https://nonbinary.wiki/wiki/History_of_nonbinary_gender

https://nonbinary.wiki/wiki/Gender-variant_identities_worldwide

https://thetempest.co/2020/02/01/history/the-history-of-nonbinary-genders-is-longer-than-you-think/

https://www.teenvogue.com/story/gender-variance-around-the-world

Also, maybe consider giving this book a try:

Nonbinary Gender Identities: History, Culture, Resources by Charlie Mcnabb

2. Non-binary Representation In Media

The representation of non-binary people in mainstream media hasn’t been... great, to put it mildly.

Representation, as we all know, is important.

Not only does it give minorities a chance to see themselves in media and feel heard and acknowledged. It also normalizes them.

For example, seeing a black Disney-princess was a huge deal for many black little girls, because they could finally say there was someone there who looked like them. They could see that being white wasn’t a necessity to be a Disney princess.

Seeing a canonically LGBT+ character in a children’s show teaches kids that love is love, no matter what gender you’re attracted to. At the same time, older LGBT+ viewers will see themselves validated and heard in a movie that features on-screen LGBT+ heroes.

There’s been some huge steps in the right direction in the last few years representation-wise.

Not only do we have more LGBT+ protagonists and characters in general, we’ve also begun to question and call out harmful or bigoted portrayals of the community in media, such as “Bury Your Gays” or the “Depraved Homosexual”.

With that being said: Let’s take a look at how Non-binary representation holds up in comparison, shall we?

This is Double Trouble, from the children’s show “She-Ra And The Princesses Of Power”.

They identify as non-binary and use they/them pronouns. They’re also  a slimy, duplicitous lizard-person who can change their shape at will.

Um, yeah.

Thanks, but no thanks.

Did I mention they’re also the only non-binary character in the entire show? And that they’re working with a genocidal dictator in most of the episodes they’re in?

Yikes.

Let’s look at another example.

These three (in order of appearance) are Stevonnie, Smoky Quartz and Shep. Three characters appearing in the kid’s show “Steven Universe” and it’s epilogue series “Steven Universe: Future”.

All of them identify as non-binary and use they/them as pronouns.

Stevonnie and Smoky Quartz are the result of a boy and a girl being fused together through weird alien magic.

Shep is a regular human, but they only appeared in one episode. In an epilogue series that only hardcore fans actually watched.

Well, I mean...

One out of three isn’t that bad, right?

Maybe we should pick an example from a series for older viewers.

Say hello to Doppelganger, a non-binary superhuman who goes by they/them, from the Amazon-series “The Boys”.

They’re working for a corrupt superhero-agency and use their power of shape-shifting to trick people who pose a threat to said agency into having sex with them. And then blackmail those people with footage of said sex.

....

Do I even need to say it?

If you’ve paid attention during the listing of these examples, you might have noticed a theme.

Namely that characters canonically identifying as non-binary are either

supernatural in some way, shape or form,

barely have a presence in the piece of media they’re in,

both.

Blink-and-you-miss-it-manner of representation aside, the majority of these characters fall squarely under what we call “Othering”.

“Othering” describes the practice of portraying minorities as supernatural creatures or otherwise inhuman. Or to say it bluntly: As “The Other”.

“Othering” is a pretty heinous method. Not only does it portray minorities as inherently abnormal and “different in a bad way”. It also goes directly against what representation is actually for: Normalizing.

As a general rule of thumb: If your piece of media has humans in it, but the only representation of non-white, non-straight people are explicitly inhuman... yeah, that’s bad.

So is there absolutely no positive representation for us out there?

Not quite.

As rare as human non-binary characters in media are to find, they do exist.

Here we have Bloodhound! A non-binary human hunter who uses they/them pronouns, from the game “Apex Legends”.

It’s been confirmed by the devs and the voice actress that they’re non-binary.

Nice!

These are Frisk (bottom) and Chara (top) from the game “Undertale”. While their exact gender identity hasn’t been disclosed, they both canonically use they/them pronouns, so it’s somewhere on the non-binary spectrum.

Two human children who act as the protagonist (Frisk) and antagonist (Chara), depending on how you play the game. (Interpretations vary on the antagonist/protagonist-thing, to say the least.)

Cool!

......

And, yep, that’s it.

As my little demonstration here showed, non-binary representation in media is rare. Good non-binary representation is even rarer.

Which is why those small examples of genuinely good representation are so important to the Non-binary community!

It’s hard enough to have to prove you exist. It’s even harder to prove your existence is not abnormal or unnatural.

If you’d like to further educate yourself on representation, it’s impact on society and why it matters, perhaps take a second to read through these articles:

https://www.criticalhit.net/opinion/representation-media-matters/

https://www.pbs.org/newshour/arts/why-on-screen-representation-matters-according-to-these-teens

https://jperkel.github.io/sciwridiversity2020/

https://www.forbes.com/sites/quora/2019/05/22/why-is-equal-representation-in-media-important/?sh=25f2ccc92a84

https://www.theodysseyonline.com/why-representation-the-media-matters

3. So What’s The Problem?

The problem, as is the case with so many things in the world, is prejudice.

Actually, that’s not true.

There’s not a problem, there are multiple problems. And their names are prejudice, ignorance and bigotry.

Remember how I said human non-binary representation is rare?

Yeah, very often media-fans don’t help.

Let’s take for example, the aforementioned Frisk and Chara from “Undertale”.

Despite the game explicitly using they/them to refer to both characters multiple times, the majority of players somehow got it into their heads that Frisk’s and Chara’s gender was “up for interpretation”.

There is a huge amount of fan art straight-up misgendering both characters and portraying them as binary and using only he/him or she/her pronouns.

The most egregious examples are two massively popular fan-animated web shows: “Glitchtale”, by Camila Cuevas and “Underverse” by Jael Peñaloza.

Both series are very beloved by the Undertale-fanbase and even outside of it. Meaning for many people, those two shows might be their first introduction to “Undertale” and it’s two non-binary human characters.

Take a wild guess what both Camila and Jael did with Frisk and Chara.

Underverse, X-Tale IV:

(Transcript: “Frisk lied to me in the worst possible way... I... I will never forgive him.”)

Underverse, X-Tale V:

(Transcript: “I-It’s Chara... and it’s a BOY.”)

Glitchtale, My Promise:

(Transcript: (Referring to Frisk) “I’m not scared of an angry boy anymore.”)

Glitchtale, Game Over Part 1:

(Transcript: (Referring to Chara) “It’s ok little boy.”)

This... this isn’t okay.

Not only do both of these pieces of fan-art misgender two non-binary characters, the creators knew beforehand that Frisk and Chara use they/them-pronouns, but made the conscious choice to ignore that.

To be fair, in a video discussing “Underverse”, Jael said that only X-Tale Frisk and Chara, the characters you see in the Underverse-examples above, are male, while the characters Frisk and Chara from the main game remained non-binary and used they/them (time-stamp 10:34).

Still, that doesn’t erase the fact that Jael made up alternate versions of two non-binary characters specifically to turn them male. Or that, while addressing the issue, Jael was incredibly dismissive and even mocked the people who felt hurt by her turning two non-binary characters male. Jael also went on to make a fairly non-binary-phobic joke in the video, in which she equated gender identities beyond male and female to identifying as an object.

Jael (translated): “I don’t care if people say the original Frisk and Chara are male, female, helicopters, chairs, dogs or cats, buildings, clouds...”

That’s actually a very common joke among transphobes, if not to say the transphobe-joke:

“Oh, you identify as X? Well then I identify as an attack helicopter!”

If you’re trans, chances are you’ve heard this one, or a variation of it, a million times before.

I certainly have.

I didn’t laugh then and I’m not laughing now.

(Author’s note: I might be angry at both of them for what they did, but I do not, under any circumstances, support the harassment of creators. If you’re thinking about sending either Jael or Camila hate-mail - don’t. It won’t help.)

Jael’s reaction is sadly common in the Undertale fandom. Anyone speaking up against Chara’s and Frisk’s identity being erased is immediately bludgeoned with the “up for interpretation”-argument, despite that not once being the case in the game.

And even with people who do it right and portray Frisk and Chara as they/them, you’ll have dozens of commenters swarming the work with sentences among the lines of “Oh but I think Frisk is a boy/girl! And Chara is a girl/boy!”

By the way, this kind of thing only happens to Frisk and Chara.

Every other character in “Undertale” is referred to and portrayed with their proper pronouns of she/her or he/him.

But not the characters who go by they/them.

Their gender is “up for interpretation”.

Because obviously, their identity couldn’t possibly be canonically non-binary.

Sadly, Frisk and Chara are not alone in this.

Remember Bloodhound?

And how I said they’d been confirmed as non-binary and using they/them pronouns by both the creators and the voice actress?

It seems for many players, that too translated to “up for interpretation”.

(Transcript: “does it matter what they call him? He, her, it, they toaster oven, it doesn’t matter”)

(Transcript: “I’m like 90 % sure Bloodhound is a dude because he could just sound like a girl and by their age that I’m assuming looks around 10-12 because I’ve known many males who have sounded like a female when they were younger”)

(Transcript: “I don’t care it will always be a He. F*ck that non-binary bullsh*t.”)

(Transcript: “Bloodhound is clearly female.”)

(Transcript: “I’m not calling a video game character they/them”)

(Transcript: “exactly. The face was never fully shown neither was the gender so I’d say it means that the player is Bloodhound. So it’s your gender and you refer to “him” as yourself. It’s like a self insertion in my eyes.”)

So, let me get this straight:

If a character, even a player character, uses she/her or he/him, you can accept it, no questions asked.

But when a character uses they/them, suddenly their identity and gender are “up for interpretation”?

This attitude is also widely prevalent in real life.

Many languages only include pronouns for men and women, with no third option available. Non-binary people are often forced to make up their own terms, because their language doesn’t provide one.

Non-binary people often don’t fit within other people’s ideas of gender, so they get excluded altogether. Worse, non-binary people are often the victims of misgendering, denial of their identity or even straight-up violence when coming out.

People will often tell us that we look like a certain gender, so we should only use one set of gendered pronouns. Never mind that that’s not what we want. Never mind that that’s not who we are.

Non-binary people are also largely omitted from legal documentation and studies. We cannot identify as non-binary at our workplace, because using they/them pronouns is considered “unprofessional”. We don’t have our own bathrooms like men and women do. Our gender is seen as less valid than male and female, so even that basic thing is denied to us. I’ve had to use the women’s restroom my entire life, because if I go into a male restroom, I’ll be yelled at or made fun off or simply get told I took the wrong door. It’s extremely uncomfortable for me and I wish I didn’t have to do it.

And since non-binary people aren’t seen as “real transgender-people”, we often don’t receive the medical care we need. This often renders us unable to feel good within our bodies, because the treatment and help we get is wildly inadequate.

It’s especially horrible for intersex people (people who are born with sex characteristics that don’t fit solely into the male/female category) who are often forced to change their bodies to fit within the male/female gender binary.

And you better believe each of those problems is increased ten-fold for non-binary people of color.

We are ignored and dismissed as “confused”, because of who we are.

Representation is a way for Non-binary people to show the world they exist, that they’re here and that they too have stories to tell.

But how can we, when every character that represents us is either othered, barely there or gets taken away from us?

We are not “up for interpretation”.

Neither are the characters in media who share our identity.

And it’s time to stop pretending we ever were.

For more information about Non-Binary Erasure and how harmful it is, you can check out these articles:

https://everydayfeminism.com/2015/08/common-non-binary-erasure/

https://www.dailydot.com/irl/nonbinary-people-racism/

https://nonbinary.wiki/wiki/Nonbinary_erasure

https://traj.openlibhums.org/articles/10.16995/traj.422/

https://medium.com/an-injustice/everyday-acts-of-non-binary-erasure-49ee970654fb

https://medium.com/national-center-for-institutional-diversity/the-invisible-labor-of-liberating-non-binary-identities-in-higher-education-3f75315870ec

https://musingsofanacademicasexual.wordpress.com/2015/05/11/dear-sirmadam-a-commentary-on-non-binary-erasure/

4. How Do We Fix It?

Well, first things first: Stop acting like we don’t exist.

And kindly stop other people from doing it too.

We are a part of the LGBT+ community and we deserve to be acknowledged, no matter what our pronouns are.

Address non-binary people with the right pronouns. Don’t argue with them about their identity, don’t comment on how much you think they look like a boy or a girl. Just accept them and be respectful.

If a non-binary person tells you they have two sets of pronouns, for example he/him and they/them, don’t just use one set of pronouns. That can come off as disingenuous. Alternate between the pronouns, don’t leave one or the other out. It’ll probably be hard at first, but if you keep it up, you’ll get used to it pretty quickly.

If you’re witnessing someone harass a non-binary person over their identity, step in and help them.

And please, don’t partake in non-binary erasure in media fandoms.

Don’t misgender non-binary characters, don’t “speculate” on what you think their gender might be. You already know their gender and it’s non-binary. It costs exactly 0 $ to be a decent human being and accept that.

Support Non-Binary people by educating yourself about them and helping to normalize and integrate their identity.

In fact, here’s a list of petitions, organizations and articles who will help you do just that:

https://www.change.org/p/collegeboard-let-students-use-their-preferred-name-on-collegeboard-9abad81a-0fdf-435c-8fca-fe24a5df6cc7?source_location=topic_page

6 Ways to Support Your Non-Binary Child

7 Non-Negotiables for Supporting Trans & Non-Binary Students in Your Classroom

If Your Partner Just Came Out As Non-Binary, Here’s How To Support Them

How to Support Your Non-Binary Employees, Colleagues and Friends

Ko-fi page for the Nonbinary Wiki

The Sylvia Rivera Project, an organization who aims to give low-income and non-white transgender, intersex and non-binary people a voice

The Anti Violence Project “empowers lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, and HIV-affected communities and allies to end all forms of violence through organizing and education, and supports survivors through counseling and advocacy."

The Trans Lifeline, a hotline for transgender people by transgender people

Tl:DR: Non-Binary representation is important. Non-Binary people still suffer from society at large not acknowledging our existence and forcing us to conform. Don’t be part of that problem by taking away what little representation we have. Educate yourself and do better instead. We deserve to be seen and heard.

[honeyandbloodpoetry]

Gender Thoughts Pt 1 and 2

The first time I put a binder on, a little under a week ago, I felt euphoric. Ever since I hit puberty very early on, I felt uncomfortable with my breasts. They never felt right on me, and even though I’ve come to love them sometimes, they still don’t always feel like they match up. I hated how people always looked at them, pointed out how much they showed in low cut shirts when I never even noticed they were--or even wanted them to. They were just there. I liked the way low cut shirts feel and look on me, I just can’t help these giant sacks of flesh that sit on my chest. 

Except...now I can! I ran my hands over my smooth chest, feeling bright. I looked into the mirror, and felt something warm wash over me. I put on my new masculine clothes, letting my partner clip on my new suspenders. I realized that I was shaking as I looked at myself again… I looked like a boy. I felt like a boy. Like a man. And I liked it. I wanted it. Admitting that to myself was like coming home. 

I remember being in sixth grade, walking around the track for my civil air patrol class. I had been slotted in with the rest of the girls, the boys walking ahead of us. I remember feeling uncomfortable being shoved in with only girls, and looking at the gaggle of boys ahead. The exact thought that whispered in my brain was “I wish I was a boy. I want to be like them, with them.” I never forgot that moment, and how strange it made me feel. How it was easier to shake that thought away, and dismiss those feelings. Except they never really left, did they? 

I remember sitting on my bed, crying with my best friend kneeling in front of me. I remember telling her how I didn’t like feeling like a woman all the time. That I wished I could be a black shadow, monstrous, androdynous. Specifically like Venom. She took my hand, did my makeup all in black and helped me pick out the perfect black outfit to achieve that dark, gothic look. I was so incredibly happy and validated. But I still felt like something was missing. 

I remember going into an Adam and Eve for laugh, not expecting much since I am an asexual with a low libido. I remember seeing packers and feeling my chest tighten. I never liked my genitalia--I had wished for a cloaca or something akin to that, but since that was biologically impossible for a human… I sometimes wished I had the opposite of a vagina. I frequently imagined what it would be like to have a penis. I frequently lamented the fact that I didn’t have one. I took the box up to the counter to ask some questions, my dress swishing as I went. The cashier told me it was for trans people only, and a girl like me couldn’t have it. She didn’t know what asexuality was, and had tried polyamory once but decided it was bad when her girlfriend kissed her boyfriend. I was upset, disheartened, and left the store empty handed feeling frustrated and lost.

I remember finally cutting the long, curly locks that had frustrated and imprisoned me for so long. Seeing all of my hair fall to the floor, staring into the mirror as the barber buzzed the back of my head… It made me want to cry tears of joy. It was the first time in my entire life that I had looked at my hair and was happy. The first time I could look in the mirror and feel like myself. Then I remember wanting to go shorter, and my barber encouraging me to keep it a little longer so I didn’t look manly, so I could still be soft and feminine. The way my stomach dropped and the sick feeling in my chest only increased when he began to make fun of the gay men who came down the street near his favorite restaurant. I never saw that barber again. I instead found a nice local place down the road from my apartment, where the kind lady cut it all off without question, other than “Why?” and accepted my warm “It makes me happy. It makes me feel beautiful.” 

But wearing that binder for the first time? It was as if a beam of light had funneled its way directly into my heart. I felt like a handsome man, with just a little bit of striking man boob, and it felt so right. My partner called me a dashing boy and my heart began to race. I still feel his hand tracing my jawline as he called me handsome, and the butterflies it sent up through my belly, even after more than eleven years. 

I love my partner--he identifies as agender and primarily masculine, and has been on the lookout for a good pair of size thirteen shoes to wear with a dress. They also wear joggers and flip flops and graphic tees and can’t seem to stop talking about the ocean and outer space. They’re probably one of my biggest inspirations for finding myself, and being authentically me. 

I’m not super sure who or what I am right now. I’m still figuring that out, but I’m pretty sure I’m somewhere between agender and genderfluid. I feel like me more than anything else, but all pronouns make me feel good. I feel like all of them and none of them at once, but I swing between wanting to be feminine and masculine pretty strongly, though I enjoy being masculine most of all--even when I’m wearing dresses and pink. I feel like a beautiful person in a dress or a button down, no matter what gender I feel like today or tomorrow. 

I am me. And I am one dashing boy, and one beautiful girl. 

4 July 2021

XXX

Since first writing this little essay, I’ve been doing a lot more examination of my gender. I have come to the conclusion that I am transmasc and nonbinary, and am shaky on the title of genderfluid. I am feeling less and less like a woman--if anything, occasionally adjacent to a woman rather than actually being one. I love feeling like and presenting as a man. I have my first appointment with a gender services doctor at my local community clinic for consultation on starting hrt testosterone. I am planning to start with low dose first, and see how I feel. 

I am still unsure of my exact identity, but I have found great euphoria with being and presenting as a man. I love being a man and everything that entails. I have loved myself like never before. Being with my partner is amazing, and he has been endlessly supportive--even recounting little things they had noticed throughout the years. One of the funniest being that I only ever referred to my body parts--my belly, hands, hair, genitalia--with masculine pronouns. I always seemed to see my body as male even if I had a certain sort of dissonance from it. 

Coming out has been difficult. I have had both positive and negative experiences from it. I have been told going on testosterone would be self harm, and that I can’t be something I’m not. I’ve had coworkers I trusted out me without my permission. But I have also had positive affirmation, polite questions, and discussions. I am terrified to tell my mother and her boyfriend--I have no idea how they will react and am terrified that I will be disrespected and disowned. 

But I am prepared to do whatever it takes to be my happiest and most authentic self. 

I have been binding a lot more often, wearing sports bras for long shifts at work, and occasionally going without either when I feel like letting my man boobs hang free. I’ve had the delightful experience of going to a men’s big and tall store and finally wearing pants. I grew up as a fat girl and felt as if I had to perform high femininity to be taken seriously and be treated well--and had been told by someone I trusted that I was too fat to wear pants, which I heavily internalized. So I had completely cast them away in favor of dresses and skirts, bows and gaudy jewelry. Realizing that I could wear pants was...totally wild. That I could be comfortable and look good in pants and shorts, and that it didn’t matter what people did or thought of me was life changing. Maybe I’ll feel like being feminine again someday, but right now this masculinity and masculine clothing, with perhaps the added spice of funky earrings, feels like home. 

I also grew up autistic and with PCOS, both which I think have affected my gender identity. Being autistic, I truly struggled to connect to others socially, and especially to understand societal norms. Being a proper woman felt like I was making up for everything else I was lacking--I may have been awkward, semi-verbal and weird with no friends, but at least I was cute and girlish. I never connected to womanhood though, and always felt out of place no matter how hard I tried. With PCOS, I had heightened testosterone, which meant wider breasts and shoulders, a lack of periods, and excessive body hair. I recall the endocrinologist asking high school age me if I had excessive body hair around my stomach, breasts, etc. and my mother jumping to say no I didn’t...even though I did. I remember suddenly feeling very self aware and ashamed of something completely natural, and even something I started to enjoy. I started shaving my entire body then. 

I even remember being in middle school, and thinking nothing of my hairy legs. In fact, I loved my body hair and how it felt. A rude girl began making fun of me though, tutting her tongue as she cooed, “Aw, does your mommy not let you shave?” Among other things, all throughout many years of severe bullying and abuse. I remember feeling ashamed, but not knowing why, and immediately shaving my legs, covering them in nicks from my shaky and unsteady hands, that same night. 

So many things set me back in my gender expression. So many things contributed to me willful ignorance and denial. I remember wanting to be butch, and everyone in my life laughing at me and saying I was too soft for that. That sweet, sharp ache in my chest. I remember going to a salad bar with my mother, wearing a button up and telling her I wanted to wear some more boyish clothes around that same time--I had already told her that I was bi sometime earlier. I remember her lip curling, looking uncomfortable, and telling me that I better not become one of those boy girls. My late father was very vocal in denouncing homosexuality and specifically men loving men--something which always sat horribly wrong with me on a deeper level. 

I think I might ending up being a trans man. I am still unsure and figuring myself out, but I struggle greatly with the autistic need for sameness vs. the trans need for change. My sapphic love of women has always been very important to me, and fully becoming a man rather than genderfluid is scary for that very reason. I am still navigating my identity and what it means to me and my reality--but no matter what, being a man, being masculine is integral to who I am. 

I was called a “sir” at a job interview for the first time the other day, and nearly began to bawl from sheer joy. The gender euphoria from that and so many moments is worth so much more to me than the years of suffering and ignorance and my ongoing struggles with dysphoria. I finally got a packer and have had help from my partner in learning to position it properly--I am thinking of cutting my hair even shorter. I have almost perfected a pretty basic tie tying skill. Okay, not really, but I’m getting there. I feel deep inside that even though my father loved me, he would not like who and what I am. Still, I wear the last watch he ever wore, and hope to be a good man like him--and to learn from the toxic parts of him to be an even better man. 

I am very excited to start hrt. I am terrified of hair loss and vaginal atrophy, but I look forward to so much more. I cannot wait for bottom growth and body hair, for the voice drop that will hopefully get me misgendered less. I have always felt disconnected from my voice and look forward to getting to know it better as it changes with me. I look forward to meeting with new facial hair. Working out and growing muscle. I just look forward to my second puberty and becoming more like myself. I look forward to navigating and exploring my gender even further, both with loved ones, support groups, and myself. 

More than anything, I am just happy to be me. 

25 August 2021

[sissytobitch10seconds]

The Skirt

Fandom: Boku no Hero Academia/My Hero Academia Summary: Denki wears a skirt in front of her classmates for the first time. Warnings: Coming out, genderfluid character Word Count: 1,796 Ships: Kamanari Denki/Sero Hanta

Archive link!

“You can do this, you can do this,” she chanted to herself over and over again. Despite the affirming words, her hands hovered over the handle to the door. She could do it, she could leave her room and go downstairs. It wouldn’t be any different than it had been the other dozens of times that she had done it. 

“Except this time it’ll be completely different,” she removed her hand from the doorknob completely and sat down heavily on her bed. “Everything’ll be different.”

Panic began to creep up from her stomach and sit heavily in her chest. She ran a hand shakily through her hair, though she was careful to avoid the cute clips that she had worked so hard to get into her hair in a way that didn’t look stupid. A couple more deep breaths had the panic simmering back down for the time being. She could tell that it was there, resting in the background and waiting to spring back up and choke her at any moment, but it was dormant for now.

“Come on, you’ve been female for a week now. You can wear a skirt in front of your classmates and ask to be called your proper pronouns,” she encouraged herself. “Kyouka promised that she’d be there for you if things go badly anyway. You can do this. It won’t be like last time. They’re heroes, they’re not going to be transphobic.”

The other voice in the back of her mind, the one that had stopped her from doing this up until now, spoke up again. It reminded her that genderfluidity wasn’t really accepted as an identity by quite a lot of queer people, and that it was a burden to ask people to remember the correct pronouns when they changed so often.

She didn’t get much of a chance to mull that over as someone knocked on the door. She sat upright as panic fluttered throughout her again, but it quickly settled down as she heard the voice of her childhood friend. “Hey, you missed breakfast. I’m heading to class now, but I’m going to force a granola bar into you during break,” she promised. 

The other teenager heard Kyouka’s hurried footsteps as her childhood friend left to go to class. Denki let out a small hiss. She was hoping that she would have been able to get some of the reaction out of the way before class started, but she had waited too long and now everyone would see her at the same time.

She stood up, a fierce determination taking over her. She flung the door to her room open and fled down the hall after making sure it was securely latched. She was going to do this, she wouldn’t chicken out. She had Kyouka by her side, and she logically couldn’t be the only trans or queer person at this school. Hopefully whoever the other queer people were would recognize that her gender and feelings were real and back her up. If they didn’t at least she had Kyouka.

The trip across the campus was quick and painless. There were very few people traveling over the green or on any of the sidewalks, and those that were didn’t recognize her and she didn’t recognize them. The nervousness that she had been feeling all morning returned to her when she reached the door. She puffed up her chest, smiling slightly as the shirt hung over her differently, giving her the illusion of being physically female like she wished she could be at the moment.

The euphoria of looking like the gender she currently was inside let her open the door and she quickly walked inside. She could feel the eyes of her classmates following her, though there were still the normal speckled conversations that usually took place before their teacher woke up and began classes.

She sat down at her desk, placing her bag next to her. Panic was heavy in her chest but she was doing her best to keep it down and away from the surface. She was doing something that scared the shit out of her, and she couldn’t let them see weakness like she had done in middle school.

Nobody said anything, though more and more of the conversations were dying down as people realized that something was up. Soon she had nearly every single person looking at her, and it was really beginning to get to her. She shifted awkwardly, staring down at her lap. Her nervous mannerisms began to pick up and she started to brush her hands over her skirt and fiddle with the loose strings of her button up shirt.

“Uh, Denki?” someone finally spoke up.

The blond responded by snapping her head up and looking directly at who had spoken. Mina was sitting closest to her and had apparently been the one to finish reeling first too.

“Are you wearing a skirt?” Izuku asked from the other side of the room.

The blond shifted again, swallowing down nothing as she tried to dampen her nerves. She caught the confident smile that Kyouka was wearing and then nodded. “Yeah, I am. I’m wearing makeup too.”

“Why?” Hitoshi asked. 

“If my boyfriend wants to wear a skirt and makeup then he can, whenever he wants to,” Hanta said from behind Denki, immediately getting defensive of her.

Dysphoria flared up in her again as she shifted in her seat. “Actually, um, I’m wearing makeup and a skirt today because I’m a girl.”

“You are?” Hanta asked, blinking. He then panicked, “Not that that’s a bad thing! I just wasn’t expecting it. I still want to be here for you if you need me.”

“Well, I’m not a girl all the time,” the blond got out before any more of the chaos in the classroom could unfold. “I just… I’m genderfluid. It means that I feel like my gender changes. Sometimes I feel like both, sometimes I feel like neither, sometimes I feel female, sometimes I feel male. I know it’s kind of an annoying thing, so I’m not going to ask any of you to change pronouns all the time, but I just want to be myself.”

“Nonsense,” Tenya called over the top of the clamoring of voices from some of the students. “Everyone will respect Denki’s pronouns no matter how often they change, and if you don’t I have some firm words for you.”

“Yeah, same! Disrespect my friend and you and I are going to have a problem,” Eijirou called. “Transphobia is so unmanly!”

To her surprise, the next person from her friend group to speak up was Katsuki. “More than a problem. You might not live to see your birthday if you decide to disrespect her. Got it, you bunch of losers?”

“None of us want to disrespect her, Kacchan!” Izuku called, having become a lot more outward now that he was comfortable around the rest of the class. There were a couple of crows in agreement, before the conversations began to pick back up and people returned to what they were doing.

Momo was up from her chair and gathering Denki up in a hug. “Thank you for coming out to us, it means a lot. I have a couple tips and tricks for this kind of dysphoria if you ever want to spend some time together,” she beamed.

“Ooh! We should invite her to girl’s night on the weeks that she’s feeling like a girl!” Tooru clapped her hands together in excitement.

“Yeah, we could do your hair and paint your nails!” Ochako chimed in, looking just as giddy and excited. “I bet that you could give us some tips on eyeshadow too, you look really good today.”

“Thanks. I used to do it on my sisters and I guess I just got really good over time,” she flushed and rubbed the back of her neck in embarrassment. 

Tsuyu was the next one to speak. “Also, you don’t have to be female to come to girl’s night. You can be nonbinary or agender like me and still show up. It’s mostly just for us to do girly stuff like gossip and paint each other’s nails.”

“That sounds really nice,” she grinned. “I’m pretty good at painting nails and braiding hair.”

“This is going to be so much fun!” Mina grinned. “You and I have to go shopping the next time that we get a weekend outside of school. I want to have a fashion show with you.”

“Kyouka already took me shopping when I was in middle school, I’ve got some feminine clothes. And it’s not like I have much of an allowance to spend,” she shrugged awkwardly.

The pink teenager rolled her eyes. “My dads spoil me with a big allowance, and I’m sure that they’d be more than willing to help if I told them that it was to get clothes so that you would feel more comfortable!”

“Yeah, okay,” she nodded finally after a moment of deliberation. Mina quickly got caught up in a conversation with Tooru across the aisle about which shops that they should bring their new feminine friend to.

Denki jumped as she felt someone tap on her shoulder. She turned around to see her boyfriend sitting there with that stupid smile that he always got when he was looking at her. “Hey,” she whispered. “I hope that this isn’t too weird for you. And that you’re not mad I didn’t come out to you first.”

“It’s okay,” Hanta shook his head. “I now that coming out can be really difficult. It took me three years just to be able to tell my parents that I was questioning my sexuality, and even longer to admit to them that I was bi.”

She reached out to grasp the hand that was resting on his desk, threading their fingers together. “I just wanted to get it all done and out of the way at once. Coming out is so hard, so I wanted to do it once instead of half a dozen times.”

“I get that. Thanks for sharing this with us. I’ll try my best to remember your pronouns and change around some of the pet names that I use for you,” he brightened up. “Does this mean that I can finally experiment around with some of the girly ones?”

She laughed, “Yeah, it does.”

“Awesome,” he beamed, leaning across the desk to gently give her a kiss on her lips.

“I love you so much,” she giggled. “Thank you for being so supportive of me.”

“Of course. What kind of a boyfriend would I be if I wasn’t supportive?” Hanta snorted. His face softened and he rubbed the back of her knuckles with his thumb. “I love you too.”

[iapetusneume]

Cut for talk about gender (and a bit of soul-searching)

So, more than once since I first met Navona and Armony, they've asked me: "are you sure you're not trans?" And I've told them just about every time that, no, I think I'm cis.

Except last week.

I couldn't sleep and neither could Navona, so we got to talking about all sorts of stuff. And I told her about some pretty personal things that had to do with body image. Stuff I never told anyone before. Stuff that I never took seriously because a lot of people make it a kink, and I was already worried that it was really disrespectful. So I kept it to myself and I felt ashamed. Even now I can't quite write the words down.

And Navona asked again, "are you sure you're not trans?"

Because I've said more than once to Navona that if I hadn't been bullied so much as a child, I would probably be nonbinary. I feel like femininity was something I fought tooth-and-nail for. It is incredibly difficult to recieve masculine-coding.

But at the same time, I don't feel like I sit in the "female" space of gender all the time. And if I had the chance and the science was there, I would want to modify my body in a way that the end result wouldn't physically be a cis woman's. But since I was assigned female at birth and still want to use she/her pronouns, I'm left kinda shrugging and going "...eh?"

Over the past week, I've been trying on "different hats." Trying to mentally refer to myself as different things, and see if anything sparks joy. I am aware that the journey to figure out one's gender identity can really take a lifetime since it can evolve and gender is fluid, and this has only been a week. But I'm more trying to put words to feelings that I have for years.

Tried other pronouns, and didn't feel anything to alternative ones. Reacted extremely negatively to he/him. Was only really fine with they/them in situations where my gender isn't already known or already-existing usage of they/them in grammar. She/her feels... I don't know how to describe it. I feel like I'm gripping it tightly and afraid someone will try to take it from me again. But I'm not sure if this is still a holdover from when people would misgender me to bully me as a kid, and all I wanted was to be respected. But I wouldn't really call it "sparking joy."

I tried referring to myself as nonbinary, but that didn't feel quite right, though it felt a lot closer. Bigender I'm not really sure of, because if it is than I don't know which gender would be my second one. This also feels close but not quite there. I tried gender non-comforming, and that felt really good. But I have already seen while doing some reading that there are a lot of people who don't consider GNCs trans, so it makes me reluctant to talk about in public spaces. Genderqueer is also close but not quite right.

What i do know is, both Navona and Armony are trans and they heard me explain all my feelings and wants, and they think it sounds pretty trans to them. They understand my hesitation with talking about it, but they lovingly embraced me as valid, and that was really emotional.

I bought some stuff to help me with my body image. I'm not sure how much dysphoria I'm feeling (if any), but the idea of being able to have my body look more like I want fills me with a joy I was blown away by. I wonder if its gender euphoria.

[ugh-fml]

not an attack or anything like that in the slightest, would just like to know, because you believe pronouns are equal to gender, your opinion on non-binary people who use he/him or she/her or a combination of those and they/them for various reasons (such as it being more convenient in an educational setting, or firmly wanting to refuse the pronouns they were assigned at birth, etc, etc). thanks for your time and if not have a good day!

Tbh idk what this is asking me, I’m assuming you want my opinions on those two reasons? Idk I’ve been reading paperwork all day and my eyes are tired, but I digress.

Nonbinary pronouns (especially the multiple pronouns) are very regressive and hard to pick up for teachers; so no, I would’nt exactly say that it’s “good” or “convenient” for educational settings.

I made a post about it not too long ago, but it may be hard to find, so here’s the screenshots. This anecdote my friend’s newly trans-positive parent told me really made me realize what I stated above:

Wanting to be spiteful/rebellious and change your pronouns because “you can” is a CHOICE. The problem is, being LGBT is NOT a choice. It is not just an identity, but a trait you have at birth. So honestly it is just really disrespectful when gnc people decide that being a cis person who doesn’t follow gender roles/stereotypes is not enough and rebrands themselves as nonbinary (I think there’s also a group of enby people that are trans and just have fluctuating dysphoria).

If I’m interpreting this wrong please send another ask clarifying!

[lastoneout]

Are there any nonbinary people out there who could answer a question for me/give me their perspective on a thing? 

I’m questioning my gender but I’m struggling to differentiate between “I find that the societal expectations of womanhood as well as what society defines being a woman do not fully encompass my experiences with my gender because what society expects womanhood to be is inherently stifling” and “I don’t find that the idea of womanhood fully encompasses my experiences with gender because I’m not cis”. 

Like where is the line between “you can be a woman however you want fuck gender roles cut your hair be masc who gives a shit” and “I’m just not 100% a woman”? When does it stop being “I’m butch/masc/a tom boy and/or someone who isn’t down with traditional femininity” and go into “I’m not a woman”? Cuz it really seems pretty blurry to me and I’m not sure where exactly I fall anymore. 

I dunno I just keep thinking about how I don’t find the idea of femininity stifling exactly, even if I don’t really perform it to societal standards. Like I am find with she/her pronouns, I like wearing dresses and make-up sometimes, and being perceived more or less as vaguely on the feminine side of the spectrum, but is that the same as being nonbinary? 

Because my whole life I feel like I have sort of...I don’t know how to describe it exactly it’s kind of like bumping up against a barrier when I try to express parts of myself? Like once I joked about being called “sir” in a seniority sort of way, and this one guy I worked with got super uncomfortable and said it would be “disrespectful” to call me that and it pissed me off? And I love how in Animal Crossing I can just, decide to wear a suit and have a mustache whenever I want and it doesn’t like, mean I’m not me. Or, not to keep using Animal Crossing as an example but, I put together a look that I very much considered “vacation dad” and showed people, and I got vaguely uncomfortable when people said I looked like a “vacation mom” even though I think they were just trying to be respectful of my gender. And when I had my hair buzzed people kept mistaking me for a guy and getting really upset when they realized I wasn’t one, and it was just frustrating cuz like...why does it matter? 

And I’ve also sort of like, found myself wishing that I didn’t have boobs? But not all the time, I just wish I could like, turn them off sometimes. Or I’ve seen pictures of people with flat chests and gotten really emotional without really knowing if it’s because I find it attractive or I wish I looked like that. Or even occasionally wished I could cosplay a guy, like I would love to cosplay as Peter Parker Spiderman but been upset that in a skintight suit people would just be like “oh you’re Spidergirl” when that’s not what I’m trying to be! (My trans friend suggested buying a binder just to try it out and I’m gonna but I don’t have the money rn.)

But It just seems like every time I try to go down the “what’s my gender, no really what is it” line of thinking I end up just deconstructing the concept of gender as it relates to society and what that means for the individual and having a weird existential crisis about it all because I cannot seem to find the actual feeling that defines weather I am just tired of what society says my gender should be or if I’m actually not what gender society told me I am.

So has anyone experienced that and if so can they like, tell me what was the deciding factor for them? Or just give me their opinion in general cuz I just feel so confused and both like I’m just being a special snowflake and also like I am maybe actually discovering something about me and if it even matters at all and I do not know how to sort through it all. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[halo-eater]

It's so fucking difficult being a trans person living with a transphobic mother who won't just come out and say it.

She let me go on T (albeit made me wait until I was 17,) never misgenders me or my friends or my partner, lets me use her insurance to see a queer-specialized therapist, and a lot of surface-level stuff.

But then she's in all of these r*dfem facebook groups and thinks that JKR hasn't done anything wrong and misgenders nonbinary celebrities and wants to put a hard definition on gender tries to debate me about trans issues and then berates me if I do anything but listen and agree with her.

I think that I'm actually just about as non-radical as trans people come. I do believe that some spaces (not many, but some) should be sex-based, I believe that trans women who are perpetrators of sexual assault against women shouldn't be incarcerated in women's prisons (neither should cis sexual predators), I believe that if trans people want to be allowed access to vulnerable gender-specific places they need to go a bit further than just saying that they identify as that gender. And she knows that. We've had many conversations about it. And I think that she's taken advantage of that, because she wants me to be her little token trans child who who sympathizes with r*dfems and she can use to further their agenda.

and she gets so mad and so mean when I won't be that. Yesterday she asked me if I wanted to set up our old Harry Potter advent calendar, and I said no (just no, didn't make any sort of statement), and she took that as an invitation to launch into a rant about a (and I quote) "meme she saw on Facebook about how JKR actually feels about trans people." I did not want to have this conversation. I did not ask to have this conversation. I was sleep deprived and hadn't eaten all day and I was socially starved and my myelopathy was acting up and I was not in the mood to be her little token. So I told her that I've seen the little 'well she also said THIS about trans people!!' infographics and how I wasn't interested in sympathizing with someone who has done so much damage to my community.

And then she got really angry and said "well she's never said anything about trans people that I disagree with, so if you hate her then I guess you hate me, too" and that just felt SO fucking unfair and manipulative and I just said "well maybe I hate your views on trans rights" and left the conversation to go play Zelda but honestly I just felt incredibly shitty for the rest of the night because of that interaction.

So this morning I was like "I don't want this to be a conversation, I just want to say something and then we move on; I don't like it when you randomly bring up trans issues with me because then I feel like I need to justify myself for thinking that trans people deserve rights and autonomy," and she said "well I hate talking about trans issues with you, too."

And that just got to me, because CLEARLY she doesn't. 9/10 of the interactions we have about the subject, she initiates. She doesn't hate talking about it with me, she hates it when I disagree with her and I say it. She hates when I'm not her little validation machine. She hates it when I tell her that I think she's wrong. She hates it when I refuse to sit there and sympathize with her while she's spouting harmful rhetoric about my community.

I know that I'm lucky in that she even let me socially and medically transition while she still had medical control over me and she respects my pronouns and isn't overtly aggressive. But I don't feel lucky. I feel manipulated when she implies that if I hate outspoken r*dfems, that means I hate her. I feel disrespected when she makes me listen to her opinions and then gets mad if I express mine. I feel gaslit when she says hateful things about my community and gets mad when I express my disagreement and hurt, and then says that we just had a nice conversation or that I'm the one who who initiated it or made it go sideways.

My moms is cool in a lot of ways, but dear lord this is not fucking one of them