#and i probably should get a blood test because that's what that doctor recommended every 6 months

[tardis--dreams]

I can't decide what's more frustrating. Job applications and communication with people there or trying to contact the doctor's office.

[vaporwavedoggie]

Ahahahah I should probably explain why I'm not on here as much atm, along with most of my other social media.

It's gonna be long but I know I have some folks on here worried about me so I'll put everything under the cut.

Alright buckle up, this will get long.

To shorten things, my chronic pain is significantly getting worse very quickly, along with heart issues.

Not to mention my shit mental health.

But here's the long story:

There's something up with my heart. I don't know exactly what the diagnosis will be, I have a few more tests including a fun little holter monitor placement or whatever it's called.

It's where I wear this monitor over my heart for a few days and press a button whenever I start having flareups. My flareups consist of my blood pressure suddenly dropping very low (I think the lowest it was clocked was somewhere in the 80s/60s range if I remember correctly), headaches, bad chest pain, limb weakness/numbness, sudden exhaustion/passing out, etc.

They did an echo on my heart but the results didn't tell me much other than I have a dialated left atrium. No idea what that means, don't know if it's even related to the shit going on with me. I won't find out until the other tests are done and looked over.

I'm going as far as to try and give up cigarettes for the time being for this. My doc gave me a ton of nicotine patches, so I'm really hoping those will help with the urges. I'm going to be going from smoking about half a pack or so a day to patches that are 7mg of nic, so uhhh yeah.

Another reason why I'm distancing myself from online spaces more other than my personal discord servers is because stressful stuff, discourse, all that makes my flareups much much worse. I'm doing it not to be a bitch, but for my own health. So for a bit I'll probably only post art I occasionally draw n what not.

Now on to the other issues. My lower back keeps me in damn near constant chronic pain. They did an xray on it, and my MyChart (fun little doctor app) said this about their findings:

"Vertebral body heights and alignment are well-maintained. No fracture or subluxation. Pedicles are intact. Mild loss of disc height at L5-S1."

I'm not entirely sure if that's anything important, again, I go to my pcp about it in the beginning of October since there's a few more issues they'd like to test me for before coming to a diagnosis and treating me.

As for my back pain though, it's to the point where it's nearly disabling me physically.

I've had it for many years. Idk exactly when it all started, but I really started noticing it around the time I was 19-20. I have a theory it's because one of my first jobs that I worked for about a year was at a warehouse. It was very physical labor.

I'd be lifting heavy boxes constantly to the point where when I got home I couldn't bend down from the pain. I'd just have to flop down on my bed and pass out. And this went on about 4 days a week for a year.

At first, it started off as a small patch on my lower back, at the base of my spine, not being able to be touched. The gentlest poke would feel like stabbing pain. And it only got worse over the years, with the area spreading.

Now it's to the point where I can't stand for long, and when I sit or lay down I have to shift my position every 10-20 minutes or it flares up. And I dread going to sleep for a number of reasons. Not just because of the night terrors I have damn near every night due to my CPTSD, but because I wake up in excruciating pain most of the time due to not being able to shift my body in my sleep.

Worst part is, when I sleep, I'm dead to the world. If the night terrors aren't too horrible that night, I'm like a rock. No one can move me. Lord knows my husband has tried. And I'll sleep for about 12-20+ hours at a time at this point.

Funny thing is? No matter how much sleep I get, even if I get the base recommended amount without under or over sleeping, I'm ALWAYS exhausted.

My doc has sent a referral for me to get a sleep study but they have yet to reach out to me. I suspect this may also contribute to my heart issues but idk for sure.

So yeah. It's not enough that I deal with shitty mental health issues on a constant, but also chronic physical health issues as well.

Worst part is my family is borderline poverty. Despite everything I'm STILL trying to get a job because my family needs the money, along with others in the house, including my oldest son and teenage son.

Yet for whatever reason, everyone claims they're hiring, yet won't hire any of us. For me, I understand. I always struggled to keep a job due to various issues. But my sons have a completely clean slate, and my roomie has a great resume with plenty of long history, yet no one will hire anyone. Not even McDonald's.

People act like it's all us. We try everything we can, from dressing up in our nicest clothes for the interview, following up with the job, being friendly, giving the interviewer our skills. Worst part is they act like they're fucking impressed, then turn around and claim they've decided to go with someone more qualified for the position, or they're not hiring anymore.

Yes, I know I'll hurt myself if I try working a job and pushing myself beyond my limits every day, but it's taking too damn long for disability to do shit. Disability is very hard to get in Texas for whatever reason and God it's stupid. It usually takes a minimum of 2-3 years for most, and we don't have that time.

The price of rent, groceries, and everything else keeps skyrocketing, yet my roomies won't get a raise on their disability, my husband won't get a raise on his job other than just a few cents once a year.

We're living by the skin of our teeth. Paycheck to paycheck. Most of our food comes from various food banks in the area we make multiple trips to a week.

Then when it comes to my mental health issues, I'm handling it the best that I possibly can.

My CPTSD has been flaring up. Then there's the other shit going on with my head I won't get into.

I'm nearly constantly haunted by trauma and I'm so fucking tired of it. I have to keep myself busy or it creeps into my mind. And I have somnophobia because every time I sleep I'm almost guaranteed to have a night terror. No, prasosin won't help.

Anyways that's a small portion of the shit im going through and why I probably won't be online much until I get shit sorted out.

Is it weird to be the happiest you've ever been in your life, yet also the most miserable??

[dionysianchub]

Fatty liver anon here. Did they say why you have it specifically? Its very rarely caused by just being fat, it's usually health issues that can also make you gain weight. If it's alcohol related that's an obvious fix (harder in practice of course), if not there are a few different routes to go down

I'm 5'6 and 240lbs (gained 70lbs so far intentionally after gaining 35lbs from pcos, learning you can't just lose pcos weight with diet and exercise, and realising just being a feeder wasnt what I needed) and while they did say it can sometimes help to lose weight it's more about the pcos which caused insulin resistance and high cholesterol (for other people it can also be from diabetes, underactive thyroid, high blood pressure etc).

As I said I take inositol for the IR but I did also make a lot of lifestyle changes. I've had improvements whilst also lowering how many simple carbs I have and eating more complex carbs and fats instead (dairy isn't great for insulin resistance so I eat so many avocados, nuts and other plant oils as well as oily fish), taking those little cholesterol drinks containing plant sterols, and upping my fibre a lot with both oat bran and psyllium husk. I swim, go on walks, lift weights, and do some of Dr la thoma's YouTube functional bodyweight workout videos+stretches (being specific cause I do rate them for fat people, shes tiny but most are about functionality and ability over athleticism— We aren't in her mind but it's adaptable and useful) for general health/wellbeing and to hopefully keep the visceral fat % and liver fat lower as I gain. I also take milk thistle tablets because some studies show it's good for repairing and protecting the liver. I can't say what specifically has helped the most but I'm keeping it all up because it's working, you'll probably end up doing some experimenting. It sounds overwhelming written out like this but it really wasn't

They said I should try weight loss as well of course but I explained "it would be bad for my mental health so tell me what you'd tell a skinny person" and they dropped it. They tell me I'm obese every time I see them of course because I'm fatter every visit but accept it's not the sole or best treatment option. If you have an ED history they can be more understanding about avoiding WL. I'm personally willing to do anything except lose weight unless I get big enough that I can then lose the 5% recommended (visceral fat goes first, or so they say, and that's around what people can reliably keep off) and still feel good about my body.

One nurse tried to say something about me being on testosterone and only stopped when she realised the gel doesn't metabolise the same way, I'm sure you know what they can be like just don't be surprised if someone decides to blame T. Trans broken arm syndrome strikes again.

Sorry this is long and very ()()()(), I hope it's helpful enough to compensate.

This is wildly helpful! My doctor hasn't even called me since testing, this is just what I've seen from the results of the ultrasound and MRI, but I do know that at the time my liver values were evaluated they did discover I had an underactive thyroid. I've been placed on a synthetic thyroid hormone for the last month or so. Hopefully that helps? I also know that prior to my diagnosis I was eating a ton of sugary foods and carbs, so I've been trying to cut those and eat a more mindful diet. I'll look into the supplements and videos you mentioned as well! Thank you so so much for all your advice!! 💜💜💜

[tobeabatman]

fatness and health

Being fat means that people call me unhealthy even though I’ve been to all possible blood tests and I’ve been described as ”healthy” by all the health professionals I’ve met… And there’s no reason they would believe otherwise besides my weight.

And so what if I will become sick in the future? I probably will: my family already has all sorts of conditions that me, and my skinny siblings alike, will most likely develop in the future. You too, will become sick at some point, regardless of how good you think your health is. You might also get into an accident and die any day.

You see, if fatness was as unhealthy as you think, fatphobia would have started as an actual medical concern, and not as eugenicist propaganda. I’m not saying that fatness and certain conditions have no correlation: we know that they do. However, this doesn’t mean that fatness causes those conditions: researchers and doctors have kind of just assumed that it does, and further research is still ongoing.

We also have research stating that ”obesity paradox” exists. And there is research claiming that slightly overweight people (BMI under 30) live even longer than skinny people.

And whether that or any research is true or not, it doesn’t change the fact that fat people don’t need to change their bodies. Heavy smokers can die even 12-13 years earlier than non-smokers, but heavy smokers still do not owe you smoking cessation. We fat people also don’t owe you weight-loss, just because some research states that people with a BMI higher than 30 die about 4-6 years earlier than people with a ”normal” BMI (BMI is not accurate, but it is also what most weight-related research uses).

(…Even just an every-day (non-heavy) smoker can lose 8 years of their lifetime: if you cared about our health and lives so much, then you’d also go harass skinny cigarette users about their health (I’m not advocating for it, but I recognize that there is a clear difference in how much shit we fat people get for our health vs skinny smokers). And for stuff like vapes, we don’t even know what they do to our bodies in a long term, yet! But I digress.)

Whether you think that we are ”glorifying obesity” or whatever, it doesn’t change the fact that we are human. We are not a type of subhumans you can bully or joke about. If we say we deserve respect, you should realize that that is a basic ass human right, and not a reason to whine about ”glorifying obesity”.

Especially if you are a part of another marginalized group, then it’s about time you educate yourself on fat experiences. I for sure want the queer community to accept my body the way it is.

We just don’t owe you weight-loss, we don’t owe you our health history, we shouldn’t have to listen to any bullshit on how we are a burden on society. The point of society is to take care of the people who need care!!

If you ask me, I believe a massive part of why we fat people die faster isn’t our fatness: it’s medical mistreatment, unemployment, homelessness, and poverty, all of which are more prevelent among fat people.

I know of too many fat people who have died because of medical professionals not taking them or their health seriously: my ”obese” grandpa actually died in surgery in which not all safety protocols were followed. This isn’t necessarily proof of medical mistreatment because of fatness, but he was a 70 year old ”obese” man with type 2 diabetes, BED, and sleep apnea. This make him at least an example of a fat person who died not because of his fatness, or other conditions that are correlated with fatness. My other, skinny, grandpa died 7 years earlier than my fat grandpa with diabetes and sleep apnea.

And I know that some troll will likely reblog this as well: someone even reblogged my book recommendation on a book that debunks parts of fatphobia. You guys are literally broken records that dedicate their entire accounts on reblogging fat people’s content as a way to get back at them… Kinda pathetic and useless: you guys think you can say anything more hurtful about my weight than my own literal mom said to me at 9? You’re most likely grown ass adults: go do something else instead of scrolling tags related to fatness and reblogging every single post with the same talking points.

[stonerhog]

Do you ever get blood tests to check your cholesterol and stuff? I'm not kink fishing, im nervous that if mines high I'll be scared into losing weight lol

I have blood tests every three or so months for hormone levels. I had bloods done a couple months ago that indicate my cholesterol is good (not sure how I did it lmao) and everything looks relatively normal! I’ve had high cholesterol in the past and I’ve somehow wrestled it down to normal levels with no weight loss involved.

you should get bloods done regularly. it’s important to know what’s going on with your body!! I know it’s tough but expressing to your doctor “I am not interested in weight loss” is actually a huge game changer. it was one of the first things I told my new doctor after I moved and he’s been pretty chill about it. my old doctor was the same.

your doctor is probably going to be annoying about weight loss because most doctors are, but that doesn’t mean you can’t put your foot down and say you are looking for other solutions to whatever your problems might be. fat people can and do live long and healthy lives.

this is a bit long winded at this point but I really can’t recommend putting your foot down in terms of weight discussion enough. you should know what’s going on with your body and regular health checkups are important. if your doctor’s a little bitch about seeing a fat motherfucker, that’s their own problem. being a fat motherfucker rules

[vegi1]

A Guide to Vegan Foods During Pregnancy

Should I change my vegetarian diet to get pregnant? Is it safe to eat a vegetarian diet during pregnancy? These may be your questions too. In general, a balanced plant-based diet can provide all the nutrients needed for a healthy pregnancy. But never suddenly change your diet to a vegan or vegetarian diet during or very close to pregnancy.

If you are also on a vegan or vegetarian diet, pay special attention to the intake of protein, vitamin B12, calcium, vitamin D, zinc and iron during pregnancy and after giving birth while breastfeeding, because these nutrients are important for your body, cell growth , the development of the fetus's brain and other organs, and the baby's weight gain are vital, and as long as you eat a wide range of healthy plant foods and plan your diet to include key nutrients for a vegetarian expectant mother, you can get all the nutrients you need. Get what you and your baby need, but:

Never suddenly change your diet to a vegan or vegetarian diet during or very close to your pregnancy.

It's best to see a nutritionist to make sure your diet is balanced during pregnancy, especially if you're on a vegan diet.

In some cases, you'll need to rely on fortified foods or supplements to make sure you're getting enough of each nutrient you need.

In the pre-pregnancy examinations or in the first care of the pregnancy period, let your doctor know about your diet.

Along with eating a wide variety of fruits, fresh vegetables and whole grain products, you should make sure you are getting the necessary supplements.

Pregnancy supplements are very important for pregnant women who follow a vegan diet.

Always talk to your doctor, midwife or nutritionist before taking any supplements.

If you are vegan, meaning you don't eat any animal products including animal meat, eggs, dairy and honey, read her mother's article on vegan food during pregnancy. But what foods should a pregnant vegetarian mother eat?

Protein

Protein is made of structures called amino acids, which are essential for cell growth and embryo development. So eat several meals of protein-rich food every day. Good sources of protein include eggs, dairy products, legumes, soy products, nuts, seeds, and nut butters. Suggestions for including these foods in your diet:

Add beans such as red, black or white beans, peas, lentils or tofu to your salad.

Make and eat bean burritos or bean dishes with different recipes.

As a snack, eat a handful of almonds, walnuts, cashews, sunflower seeds, or roasted chickpeas.

Spread on whole grain bread or apple slices, peanut butter or almond butter.

Eat yogurt or cottage cheese as a snack.

Eat the hard-boiled egg slices with a salad or greens.

A vegetarian diet that includes eggs and dairy products can provide high-quality protein, but an exclusively plant-based vegan diet requires more careful planning and a variety of plant-based protein sources should be included in your daily diet.

iron

You will have a blood test early in your pregnancy to check your iron levels. If your blood iron is low, your doctor may recommend that you take an iron supplement. Your pregnancy supplement will probably have some iron, but you should also eat several servings of iron-rich foods each day. Good sources of iron include:

Cerlak with iron-enriched breakfast cereals

Foods made from whole or enriched grains such as bread and pasta

Tofu, Tempeh and other foods with soybean origin

Eat leafy vegetables like spinach and greens

Avoid drinking tea or coffee with your meals as well, as these beverages contain tannins and polyphenols that make it harder for the body to absorb iron from vegetables. Instead, eat something high in vitamin C, as vitamin C helps your body absorb iron. For example, eat homemade orange juice, homemade tomato sauce or various homemade sauces to help your body absorb iron.

You can also puree broccoli, cauliflower, avocado, carrots, spinach, celery, and then mix any two or three of these vegetables that you think taste best together, then add olive oil and spices. Optionally, prepare homemade sauces of your own invention.

zinc or zinc

Zinc in plant foods is not absorbed very well by the body, so you need to have a plan to get zinc in your diet. Good sources of zinc include whole grains, such as whole grain bread, legumes, such as beans and lentils, soy products, vegetables, milk and yogurt.

Try to eat a few servings of zinc-rich foods every day. Many foods that provide iron, such as fortified breakfast cereals, beans, soy-based foods, and whole grains, also contain zinc. Other good sources of zinc for vegetarians include nuts, seeds, and cheese.

Calcium

Eat several servings of calcium-rich foods every day. Good sources of calcium include:

Milk, cheese and yogurt

Almond milk or soy milk, fruit juice and calcium-enriched breakfast cereals

Almonds or sesame seeds

White beans, molasses or blackstrap molasses, chickpeas, calcium-fortified tofu (look for a calcium salt such as calcium chloride or calcium sulfate in the ingredients list to find out if tofu is calcium-fortified.)

[thebibliosphere]

Have you written any type of guide for, 'help, I'm having a mysterious medical issue and don't know where to start to get treated'? My chronic fatigue is to the point that I have to sleep for several hours upon coming home from work before I can do anything else, and I don't really know what to do. Do I just go to the doctor? Start googling? I've dealt with fatigue for a while and have always gotten the old 'you probably need more vitamin D' talk from doctors before.

I did at one point have a post, but I think because I included external links, the Tumblr search engine ate it.

And honestly, yes, you need to go to a doctor, which brings me to ask: are any of those doctors actually testing your vitamin D levels, or are they just assuming? Because if they're assuming, that's dangerous and you need to either push for testing or find a different doctor who takes you seriously. (Easier said than done, I know.)

When you have persistent chronic fatigue, it's good to make it clear to your doctor that this has become a chronic problem and isn't resolving with lifestyle changes. (Hint: if something lasts over 6 months, it's considered chronic. Some doctors will also accept 3 months as a good indicator that something isn't quite right and will start testing.) You may wish to give examples of what you have tried to forestall any "have you tried diet/exercise/mindfulness*" comments.

Regardless, they should run a full CBC blood test with differentials, which will look at things like your white blood cell count, red blood cell count, platelets, any irregularities, etc. They should also look at things like your iron level, folate levels, vitamin D levels, and a myriad of other things, including my good old friend, b12.

Long-term followers are likely sick of me harping on about how not every doctor thinks to run a basic b12 serum test paired with a homocysteine level test because moderate levels of folate can mask a b12 deficiency. But when incompetence almost kills you, it's sort of hard to stop harping on about how something so easy to treat can lead to serious, life-threatening complications**.

Other things you should get checked include your hormone levels and your thyroid. They may also look at your kidneys and liver, just to make sure nothing is amiss there. All of this can be done with blood testing and should be the first port of call for any doctor worth their degree. There are other things they may wish to look at, but those are some basic starting points you can ask for.

If a doctor refuses or says they think testing is unnecessary, tell them you want it noted in your file that they refuse to address your medical concerns and to explain their reasoning. I'd also suggest finding another doctor, but I know that isn't always feasible.

Having an advocate with you (which you are allowed to have!!!!) may also help your case. It's amazing what having another witness in the room can achieve, even if they're just a silent presence. If you decide to bring someone with you, make sure that person knows what capacity they are there as. Some people just want moral support, while others want someone to speak up for them if they notice us being gaslit/freezing up due to past medical trauma.

This is like, incredibly basic because I don't have the energy to write more right now, but I am sure others will have helpful comments in the notes as well for you to consider.

Good luck, and I hope you find answers and better days of rest ahead.

----

*These things can be valuable tools in maintaining health. But they are also not a substitute for competent medical care.

**For reference, my hematologist recommends anyone suffering from depression or low energy do the above test because you can be low in b12, but not technically deficient, which can still affect your mental health and energy.

[noladyme]

La Cuervo - Chapter 21

She is used to the biker-life, having grown into a woman in the familiar embrace of SAMCRO. A bad decision and a gun-shot later, she gets whisked off to Santo Padre, and put under the protection of another club. What is supposed to be a short stint in the Mayan headquarters just north of the border to Mexico, turns into something more; when la quervo begins to develop feelings for el angel - and he seems to return them in kind...

TW: violence, blood, drug use, alcohol, smut, fluff, angst

In the spirit of "The Crown Princess of Charming", this is a story about O.C. Nina and Angel Reyes. It is obviously non-canon, as characters who have passed on, on Mayans M.C., are present in it, and others have been excluded completely. Nina is written as a cis-female, but I have tried to keep her race and looks as ambigous as possible. Should you find any of this story offensive, please let me know.

21.

“The bullet only graced her leg; but the wound was still deep enough for her to need crutches for a little while. Do you know of any pre-existing medical conditions?”. The doctor was explaining Nina’s condition to Angel. Nina was annoyed at how he seemed to think the curtain separating him and Angel from her and the other patients, was a wall; that would keep their conversation private. “She’s got asthma”, Angel replied. He sounded tired and angry. “That shouldn’t come in the way of her recovering fully… Not physically at least”. “What do you mean?”. “She is in chock. What she just went through did a number on her”, the doctor said. “We offered her a sedative, but she wouldn’t let us come near her with the needle. The nurse had to hold her down for me to apply the local anesthetic, to stitch her up; and she refused to let us do any blood tests, before we swore you were just outside”.

Nina shifted in the bed. Her leg was burning with pain, and all she wanted was to be far away from where she was. “You should have let me in there with her!”, Angel growled. He was clearly unhappy with Nina being prodded with needles against her will. “It’s against protocol…”. “Fuck protocol!”, Angel exclaimed. “And what fucking blood tests?”. “Sir; there are other patients here! You need to keep it down…”, the doctor said. “What blood tests?”, Angel demanded. “The woman who shot herself bit her. We’re checking for hepatitis B and C, and rabies…”. “Rabies? She’s not a fucking dog!”, Angel almost roared. “Just let me see her…”.

He opened the curtain, and met Nina’s eyes; trying for a warm smile, and failing miserably. “Hey mami… Have you been giving the doc a hard time?”. He came over to take her hand, and kissed the top of her head; before looking her over. “Why haven’t you cleaned her up?”, he asked the doctor. Nina was wearing a hospital gown, having been wrestled out of her own clothes, for the police to put it into evidence bags. She was still covered in blood-specks everywhere but her stitched and bandaged calf, and the around the bite wound on her arm; which had been covered by a band-aid. The doctor sighed defeatedly. “Look, I have about fifty sick and wounded people to tend to within the next thirty minutes; and my nurses are short staffed”, he said, and edge to his voice. “We have to help those who need us the most; and we can’t spend time washing down a patient who won’t cooperate”.

Nina tightened her hold on Angel’s hand. “I wanna go home”, she whispered. The doctor looked at her, as if startled that she could in fact speak. “Miss Teller, you should stay the…”. “Angel, take me home!”, Nina demanded. Angel nodded at her; letting the furrow between his brows speak for him. He put an arm behind her back, to help her sit, and grabbed her shoes from a bag on the floor.

“Mr. Reyes; Nina needs the care we can provide for her here”, the doctor said. “She’s not staying in this shithole. You wouldn’t even give her a private room”, Angel growled, and helped Nina put on her shoes. He let his hand hover over the bandage on her leg for a second. “We’re out”. “What about after care? Pain medication?”. “I know how to deal with bullet-wounds”, Angel said. The doctor gave him a displeased once over. “I’m sure you do…”, he grunted. He sighed defeatedly. “Ok… But I’m going to need you to sign some discharge papers, Miss Teller; stating you’re leaving against my recommendations”. Angel wrapped the blanket from the bed around Nina, to cover her naked backside. His movements were gentle but brusque. “Leave it by the desk. We’ll handle it”, he said, and put his arm around Nina’s waist. “Let’s go…”. The doctor rushed away to get the paperwork ready, and Angel half supported, half carried Nina out into the hallway.

It looked like the entire charter of Mayans were gathered by the front desk. Nina didn’t have the energy to speak, and focused on not supporting her weight on her pained leg. “How are you, mija?”, Bishop asked. Angel shook his head. “They can’t do shit here… The doc stitched her up, but that’s pretty much it”, he said. “That fucking bitch could have killed her!”. “Don’t…”, Nina croaked. He looked down at her, and his expression softened. “I’m sorry, cuervo”, he muttered, and led her to sit down in a chair. A nurse came over with a clipboard of papers, and pointed at the places Nina needed to sign. With shaking hands, she scribbled some intelligible doodles; and handed the board back. “Come back if you experience any unexpected pain”, the nurse said. “What, from her gun-wound?”, Gilly asked with a raised brow. The nurse scuttered off with a displeased look on her face.

“I’ve got the van outside”, EZ said, and looked at Nina with a worried expression. “But are you sure…?”. “I want to go home…”, Nina said bellow her breath. “Please”. Angel ran a hand through his hair, and shook his head. “The fucking exterminator… We can’t go back to ours until tonight”, he groaned. “The clubhouse is crawling with cops”, Gilly said. ��Take her to mine. We got you, niña”, Coco said, and he and Angel got on either side of her; to help her get to her feet. More or less carrying her outside, the two men got her out to the van, and into the middle passenger seat. They flanked her, with Coco behind the wheel, and Angel letting Nina rest against him. She heard the other Mayans start up their bikes behind the van, and they drove away from the hospital. Looking out of the van’s windows, she noticed Hank and Taza drove up alongside them, and Bishop went up to front the caravan. They were in protection mode.

---

The Mayans were gathered on the small porch outside Coco’s house. Nina could hear them muttering and arguing quietly, as she sat holding her mug of steaming instant coffee. “Fuck! What the fuck are we going to do? We don’t have a switch!”, Bishop growled. “Keep it down, Bish’. She’s right inside”, Taza grumbled. “At least she took out our rat”, Riz said. “She didn’t kill her… Camille killed herself”, Taza said. “Fucking bitch…”, Creeper grunted. A muttering of agreements was heard.

Nina took a sip of the coffee, and picked at her broken nail. The pain from it, the bite, and the gun wound on her leg distracted her from the visions she was seeing every time she closed her eyes. She’d killed another person; no matter what Taza said. If she hadn’t twisted Camille’s wrist, and the shot hadn’t hit her head, she would still be alive. And Nina would have been dead.

Letty walked quietly through the living room, shooting Nina a wary look, before opening the screen door. “Angel. I filled the tub”, she muttered. She heard Angel grunt a reply of thanks, before he came inside with Coco at his heels. “I’m gonna clean her up”, Angel muttered, and went over to help Nina up. “Come on, mami”. Coco led Letty down the hall, and muttered something about her going to stay at Gabby’s for the night. He was worried; all the Mayans were worried. With no snitch to hand over to Palo, they most likely had a war on their hands.

Angel supported Nina into the bathroom, set her down on the toilet lid, and closed the door behind them. Almost unable to move herself, Nina let Angel untie the strings of the hospital gown, and pull it off her. Letty had left a bundle of clothes by the sink for her. It looked like a mix of her own and Coco’s; as she probably didn’t know what would fit Nina. Once she was naked, Angel carefully helped Nina into the tub; with her leg hanging over the edge, to not get the bandage wet. He cupped some water in his hand, and began washing her gingerly. For a long while, they didn’t speak; neither of them able to find the words for what had just happened. Nina knew that Angel had probably taken a few lives himself – it came with the territory – but she wasn’t a killer. At least she wasn’t supposed to be.

She closed her eyes, and leaned back in the tub, emerging herself in the water. The water filled her ears, and the world went silent for a few seconds. Closing her eyes, Nina tried to let calm fall over her. The water was warm, and Angel’s soothing strokes down her arms, made her drift into something resembling peacefulness. Her foot knocked over a shampoo bottle, and it fell into the tub with a clanking noise, that sounded like am explosion in Nina’s ears. It all came back again. The gunshot. Camille’s eyes. Gael’s eyes. The red mist of blood and brain matter. Death. It felt like arms were trying to hold her down – drowning her – and she let out a scream under the water; frantically grabbing for anything to get back to the surface.

Angel’s strong arms wrapped around her, and quickly pulled her out of the water; and onto the floor, where she sat shaking in his arms. “I’m sorry… I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to… please…”, she coughed and sobbed. Angel held her tight, and rocked her back and forth. “You’re ok… No one is gonna hurt you". “No, because I killed them… Everything I touch, dies”. “That’s not true…”. “Gael… Daniella… Camille… Jax…”. Her stomach was hurting from the muscles contorting as she sobbed. “You didn’t kill your brother, Nina…”, Angel said, burying his fingers in her hair. “Maybe if I’d done something…”.

With both hands on either side of her head, Angel made Nina look at him. “You didn’t do anything wrong…! You just survived”. He grabbed a towel, and began gently drying her off. After a while, he sighed. “I’m so sorry, querida. This was on us… on me”, he said. Nina met his eyes for a nanosecond, afraid to see her own reflection in them. “No. I killed her…”, she breathed. “I’ve murdered two people”. “No… No, cuervo”, Angel said. “You protected yourself from a monster, and you forced the hand on a crazy bitch, who was about to get herself killed anyway… You did nothing wrong”. “Then why do I feel like I deserve as much as I gave?”, Nina rasped. Angel cupped her face, and made her look at him. “Because you’re too good for this fucked up world”, he said. He put his forehead against hers for a second, before hissing her temple. “Te amo… so fucking much. If she’d taken you away from me…”. He seemed unable to finish the sentence, and simply held her close for a few more moments, before getting to his feet, and pulling the plug in the tub.

“It's time to end this shit. Were going to war with VM”, he grunted. Nina’s heart fell to her stomach, and she tried to stand; but slipped, and fell into Angel’s arms. “Don’t! Palo will kill you!”, Nina exclaimed, tears returning to her eyes. Angel wrapped his arms protectively around her, letting her lean on him. “This isn’t just about you, querida… We…”. “I don’t care! Please, Angel. I can’t lose you…”, Nina sobbed. Someone knocked on the door. “You ok in there?”, Coco asked. “We’re good. Be out in a minute”, Angel replied, before pressing his lips to Nina’s. “We have to finish this”. Unable to respond, Nina simply let him dress her in a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. She was shaking, and tears continuously streamed from her eyes. Angel wiped her cheeks, and pressed a soft kiss to her lips. “Come on”.

With her arm around Angel’s waist, she limped back into the living room. All the chairs in the house had been gathered in there, and the Mayans were seated down on them; making the room a makeshift templo. EZ hovered by the door, keeping his eyes on the street outside. He looked over his shoulder for a second, locking eyes with Nina. His gaze told her he wanted to say something, comfort her somehow, but now wasn’t the time. Angel led Nina back to the couch, to sit next to Coco. She let out a tiny yelp in pain, as her leg brushed against the coffee table, and Coco picked up a joint he’d apparently just rolled, and handed it to her. “For the pain, ma’”, he muttered, and lit it, as she put it to her lips. Taking a deep drag from the blunt, Nina instantly felt the dulling sensation of the marijuana stream through her body. Angel sat down next to her, and took her hand.

“First of all…”, Bishop began. “Nina, I’m sorry. From what I understand, what Camille did to you, didn’t have anything to do with you situation with Palo. We let her into our inner circle, and she… fuck… We let you get hurt”. “That’s not on you…”, Nina muttered. “Yes, it is", Bishop said. “I broke my promise that we’d keep you safe. We owe you". The rest of the Mayans nodded solemnly. “I… ok", Nina said quietly.

The president sat up straight in his seat, and lit a cigarette. “Ok… Let’s start with the good news”, he said. “Our rat is dead”. Nina had to swallow thickly, in spite of the cloud of calm the joint had left in her head. “Bad news is, we don’t have a switch”, Taza said. “And we don’t have anything to hold over Palo’s head”, Hank muttered. Taza looked at Nina. Their conversation about his secret returned to her, and she frowned at him just enough to let him know she still wanted him to keep quiet. “Let me talk to him”, Nina said. “He wants me; maybe I can…”. “No”, Angel said. Nina scowled at him for cutting her off. “I don’t want you getting killed over me! Just let me see him, and I’ll… I don’t know, apologize, or offer him a deal like I did with you”. Angel gave her a hard look. “You’re not going anywhere!”, he growled, and looked around at his brothers. “Even if Nina wasn’t here, Palo’s already fucked us over enough for us to go head-to-head with the Vato’s”, he said. “I agree”, Bishop said with a nod. “Bishop! Don’t do this!”, Nina exclaimed. “She’s got a point…”, Hank muttered. “Listen to the woman, Bishop. War doesn’t have to…”, Riz began. Bishop shook his head. “I’m done kissing Palo’s ass. Nina’s out of the equation from here on out. It’s war”. Angel nodded fervently. “War!”.

Nina took a final deep draw from the blunt. “I guess you don’t need me here, then”, she sneered, and got to her feet. “I’m gonna go sleep for about a hundred years; and if your dumb asses are still alive when I wake up, then yay… But I’m not holding my breath”. Bishop looked angrily at her. “I’m gonna chose to believe that’s the pain and the blunt talking”, he growled. “Shove it up your ass”, Nina sneered. “Coco, do you mind?”. “Letty’s room is down the hall to the right”, Coco muttered. “Follow the smell of hairspray”. Nina wanted to storm dramatically out of the room, but her wounded leg wouldn’t hold her weight, and she stumbled. Angel caught her, but she shrugged him off. Taza got up, and walked over to take her arm. “Come on, kid”, he said quietly, and led her down the short hallway, into the teenager’s room.

Nina sat down on the bed, and went to lean against the headboard. She wiped away a few stray tears. “I’m good. Thanks”, she said. Taza sat down on the edge of the bed. “You’re not… You’ve had too much happen to you to be ok”, he said. “And now, the man you love is walking into what will probably be certain death”. His words broke the fragile strings holding Nina together, and once again, she began sobbing. “I don’t want that… I don’t want any of you to get hurt for me!”. Taza scooted closer, and pulled her into his arms for a moment, before pulling back. “Nina, I love you; but you’re thinking a little too much about yourself at the moment”, he said. “Any one of those men out there would throw themselves in front of a moving car for you; but this war isn’t about your situation with Palo. They want war”. “Why?”, Nina croaked, and wiped her eyes. “Bishop and Angel are right. Palo’s overstepped our boundaries in more ways than one; and he needs to pay”. “So you’re behind this? You want war as well?”, Nina asked. Taza sighed. “No… I’ve seen Palo at his worst before… He’s a nightmare”, he said. “He’s not going to stop until every Mayan in the charter is dead, and then he’ll move on north; try to take out Oakland”. “Is Vatos Malditos really that strong a club?”. “They don’t fear death… And that makes them dangerous”.

They sat for a moment in silence, before Taza spoke again. “We know what needs to happen”. Nina’s eyes widened. “No, Taza; please!”. “I can finish this before it starts”, Taza said. “And I want to”. “What if they…?”. “I’m tired, sweetheart”. The VP squeezed her hand. “Every day I’m not being honest about who I am, I feel like I’m betraying both myself the man I loved”. Nina swallowed thickly. “You want to come out to the club”, she whispered. Taza nodded. “I’m afraid to… but by doing it now, I can avoid the people I love being killed in an unnecessary war. I have to”.

Nina took a deep breath, and then blew it out. The haze of the joint was already wearing off from the seriousness of the situation. “Do you want me to come with you?”, she asked. Taza smiled, and stroked her cheek. “No… This is something I have to do on my own”. He kissed her forehead, and got to his feet. “Whatever happens, just know that I think you’re one of the best things that has ever happened to this club”. Nina tried for a warm smile. “I love you, Taza”, she said. He winked at her, and left the room; closing the door behind him.

She laid back on the bed, letting herself accept the situation. A murmur of voices from the living room broke the silence. On one hand, she was happy she couldn’t clearly hear what was going on; on the other, she wanted to jump out of bed, and run after Taza – if only her leg would have carried her. She heard Taza speaking calmly, before being interrupted by Bishop; his voice a little more gruff. Taza continued speaking, before a group of voices rose. “You’re fucking kidding me!”, she heard Riz exclaim. Taza spoke again, being interrupted by Creeper’s voice. “… keep this from us?”, was all she could hear, before Angel cut him off. “… Nina in on this?”. Taza muttered something more, when Bishop growled. “… done!”. The president’s voice was cold. Taza spoke again, and then the door opened and closed. Nina heard a bike start up, and drive away.

She turned her back to the door, and fell back into tears. She didn’t know how long she cried, but in the end, she fell asleep.

---

When she woke, it was dark outside. The door to the hallway was slightly open, and a set of crutches were leaning against the wall by the bed. Nina sat up, and grabbed the crutches to get to her feet; before hobbling into the hallway, and went towards the living room. Coco was seated on the couch with a dazed expression, probably only partlydue to the blunt he was halfway through. Nina sat down on one of the empty chairs, and he handed her the joint. “How’s the pain?”, he asked. Nina took a huff of the blunt. “Better”, she said, unable to avoid chuckling, as the smoke left her lips again. Coco smiled at her. “Where is everyone?”. “Bish’, Riz and Hank are at the clubhouse; cleaning up after the cops. They brought the boy scout”. “Then I know who’s really doing the clean-up”, Nina said, and rolled her eyes. “Yeah… Angel’s grabbing food, and Gilly and Creeper went to Vicky’s”, Coco said. “Said they needed it”. Nina clenched her jaw, and braced herself. “Taza?”, she croaked. Coco reached for the blunt, and took a huff himself. “He left after he told us… Shit, I never knew”. “Are you going to… What are you going to do to him?”. Taking a last draw from the joint, Coco put it in the ashtray, to let it smolder. “I don’t know… We never had to deal with anything like this before”, he said. “What do you think should happen?”, Nina asked. Coco shrugged. “Taza’s a good VP. He kept a secret, but he hasn’t hurt anyone, or done something against our rules”. “He broke one rule”, Nina muttered. “It’s a fucked-up rule”, Coco grunted. Nina let a smile ghost her lips. “Taza can ride, and he can make decisions�� That’s what I care about”.

Angel pulled up outside the house, and came in, carrying a large paper bag. He gave Nina a short smile. “You get some sleep?”, he asked. “Yeah… some”, she said. “I got burgers…”, Angel said, and put down the bag on the coffee table. “I went by the house, and opened the windows; but it still smells like shit in there”. “Letty’s out. Stay the night”, Coco said, and went to get beers from the fridge.

Angel sat down on the couch, and began unpacking the food. Realizing she hadn’t eaten all day, Nina’s stomach made an angry growl of hunger. “Woah…”, Angel said, and looked down at the blunt in the ashtray. “Munchies?”. “A little”, Nina admitted. “Are you ok?”. “Why wouldn’t I be?”, Angel asked. “Just… Everything that happened today, I guess…”, Nina began, before sighing, and shrugging. “What? You mean the part where my girl yelled at me, and then got shot?”, Angel said. “Or the part where I find out she’s been keeping secrets…”. He raised a brow at her, and Nina felt her cheeks burning. “It wasn’t my secret to share”, she muttered. “If you’re gonna fight, do it later”, Coco said, returning with three beers, and handing them out. “I’m hungry”.

They ate in silence, before Coco called it a night, and went to bed; tired as fuck, as he declared. Angel and Nina sat for a few moments more, avoiding each other’s gaze. “I couldn’t tell you…”, Nina finally said. “No, I get it”, Angel sighed. “It’s just… You kept this secret, that could have saved your life. And you didn’t let me help”. “That’s what you’re angry about?”. “I’m not angry, querida… I just wish you’d let me protect you”. “By hurting Taza?”, Nina asked. “I would have had his back!”, Angel said. “I knew that… At least I think I knew”. Nina shook her head defeatedly. “But if the rest of the club decides to punish him, you can’t stop that!”. Angel took the last sip of his beer, and began clearing the table. “We’re not letting that happen”, he muttered. “Who?”, Nina asked. “Me… Coco and Gilly… you”. He gave her a warm smile, and went to throw away the trash.

Nina got to her feet, and with the help of her crutches, she followed him into the kitchen. “How did everyone else take it?”, she asked, leaning against the doorway. “Riz and Creep are pissed Taza didn’t tell the club a secret that could save us from war. Tranq is… Tranq. He doesn’t let anyone know what he feels until he’s sure about it himself. And Bish’… I can’t read the man”. “But you’re behind Taza…”. “Yeah”. He came over, and gave her a short kiss. “Thank you”, Nina said. “For what?”, Angel asked. “For being… you”, she smiled.

Letting Nina support her weight against him, Angel led Nina back into Letty’s bedroom; carrying her crutches for her. She winced a bit, when she accidentally stepped down on her bad leg, and Angel frowned. He closed the door, and helped her get in to bed, before shedding his cut, and climbing in with her. “You gonna sleep in your jeans?”, Nina asked. “If I take them off, you’ll just start getting ideas…”, Angel smirked. “I got shot today, just before being drenched in another woman’s blood… And, we’re lying in a bed under a poster of Zac Effron. I think I can gird my loins”, Nina said with a scowl. “Maybe I can’t”, Angel whispered, and pulled her into his arms. He accidentally bumped against her leg, and Nina let out a small yelp. “Fuck. Are you ok? I’m so sorry!”, Angel exclaimed. “I’m ok…”, Nina whimpered. “Just don’t touch it”. “I’ll get you some drugs tomorrow. The good kind”, Angel promised. Nina chuckled, and pressed a kiss to his lips.

Thinking about the day after, she suddenly frowned. “What’s wrong, cuervo?”, Angel asked. “Tomorrow… What’s gonna happen?”, Nina said. “Clubwide lockdown…”, Angel sighed. “I’m taking you back to the house in the morning, to get your stuff. Coco’s gonna go with us, as an extra gun; but after that it’s back to the clubhouse”. “And then what?”. She felt herself starting to shiver, and Angel gingerly pulled her closer. “We called in backup. Bishop met with Alvarez today; and Oakland is coming down to back us up if needed”. “SAMCRO?”, Nina whispered. “What do you think?”, Angel smiled. “SAMDINO too… Don’t run away with Packer”. She pinched the skin of his arm playfully. “Ow!”. “So you’ll have the numbers… You might not even have to use Taza’s secret”, Nina said; ignoring his exclamation of pain. “We don’t know Palo’s numbers yet… VM has grown since Taza’s day”, Angel said. “We gotta be ready for a fight”.

Nina sighed, and put an arm across Angel’s chest; burrowing against him. “After this morning… I’m so sorry I got so angry…”. “Nah, I had it coming", Angel said. “I said some stupid shit… That could have been the last thing I ever said, before I lost you…”. “I did leave you; I fucked up so bad…”. “We’re past that, querida. I shouldn’t have brought it up…”. Angel brushed his thumb over her cheekbone. “But you were right. I should have found a better way… And now you’re going up against Palo, and you might not make it…”. “Nina…” Nina continued, unable to control her panicked breathing. “I’m gonna lose you! He’s not gonna stop until you’re all…”. “Nina, stop!”, Angel said. Nina felt her lungs beginning to close up, and she took a few heaving breaths. Her anxiety worsened, when she realized she didn’t have her inhaler. Angel dug it out of his own pocket, and pressed the button on the top, before holding it to her lips. Breathing in the powder, Nina felt her breathing return to normal, and Angel put away her inhaler again. “You have to relax, ma'. You’ve been through too much today". Wiping her eyes for her, he kissed her forehead. “I can’t lose you…”, she whispered. Angel looked deep into her eyes. “I’m gonna do whatever I have to, to get back to you”, he said, and kissed the top of her head. “I love you”. “I love you too”.

Tilting her head, Nina sought out Angel’s lips, and breathed him in, in a deep kiss. Angel carefully lifted her knee, to let her leg rest over his. She craved his closeness, needed him near her, more than ever; for fear that it would be the last night she’d get to sleep in his arms. Angel soothingly brushed his fingers up and down her lower arm. “I can’t deal with any more death…”, Nina said. Suddenly, without even knowing it herself, she’d made a decision. “I want to see Palo”. Angel’s eyes widened. “No, Nina. That’s not happening…”, he said, and went back to stroking her arm; though a bit more roughly than was comfortable. Nina pulled herself away from his grasp. “I can’t run away from what I did”, she said. “So, you’re going to let Palo punish you? Kill you?”, Angel asked. “No, I’m… You’re right. I haven’t done anything wrong; I’m not looking to be punished for anything”, Nina said. “But I can’t let anyone else die on my account. Not again”. "It's like we said. This isn't about you anymore". "But if I hadn't been here...", Nina tried. Angel sighed. “Get some sleep”, he said. “But…”. He looked at her intently. “Sleep. You’re in pain and you’re high. You’re not thinking straight. You’ll have a clearer head tomorrow”. He brushed his lips against her cheek, and closed his eyes.

To Angel, the conversation was over. To Nina, nothing was settled; and it took a long time, before exhaustion finally forced her to drift off.

---

[beauvibaby]

be here - t.seguin

a/n: here we go, another pcos fic, bringing light to the subject of it, this whole thing is heavily heavily inspired by my experience of it so far, symptoms, diagnosis etc. thank you guys for all the love on these! 💖 going to start planning another one soon

“Tyler?” You asked sheepishly, a wavering tone in your voice, everything was coming to a head, you couldn’t ignore your body any longer, you had to go see a doctor, a different doctor, the last one brushed your words away. He looked up from his phone, “what’s wrong baby?” He could see the tears in your eyes, he threw his phone to the side, opening his arms for you. “Hey.” He mumbled, trying to figure out why you climbed into his lap and started crying, “Y/N, what is it?” He forced your head up so he could meet your eyes, you’d been together for a long time, you lived together, he knew the issues you were having but he didn’t understand the magnitude of them, how would he? He’s not a woman, he doesn’t know how your body should truly be working. “I can’t do this anymore, I need to go to a doctor.” You cried, it was stressing you out, which would most likely only be exasperating whatever issue you had. “What?” He tilted his head to the side, rubbing his thumbs across your cheeks to catch the tears. “This.” You groaned dramatically motioning to your lower half, he couldn’t help but laugh softly despite your tears, you pouted at him. “Tyler it’s not funny.” You snapped, but laughed at your childish explanation. “I know, it’s not, definitely not, but I’m a big boy you could say you have to go to the gynecologist.” He teased, smiling when you smiled. “I’m scared about what they’ll say.” You whispered, picking at your nails, “did you want me to go with you?” He questioned, making your head snap up. “Yes, please.” You answered instantly, pulling him in for a quick kiss. “Did you think I wouldn’t go with you?” He asked, faking hurt, but his eyes told you he was only joking. “I knew you would, but I didn’t want to ask.” You admitted, laughing softly at your handling of this. “You can ask me anything, don’t start keeping things from me now.” He muttered, tugging you down to lean against his chest. “Love you.” You whispered, chastely kissing his jaw from your spot resting on him. “Love you, babe.” He responded, leaving a lingering kiss to your forehead.

****

The day of your appointment was finally here, to say you were nervous was an understatement, and you could tell Tyler was silently anxious as well, probably feeding off of your nerves. But he also had zero clue what to expect, he knew nothing about this stuff. “Hey, calm down.” Tyler gripped your hand, watching the way you were bouncing your leg as you rode the elevator up, “I’m trying.” You complained, squeezing his hand as the doors opened, you stepped out, pulling him along behind you. Tyler stayed silently glued to your side, listening as you checked in with the receptionist, not missing the way you sighed softly when she handed you a giant clipboard of new patient paperwork. He followed you to a seat in the waiting room like a lost puppy, “I hate this.” You muttered, starting to scribble down all your info, he chuckled from beside you, resting a reassuring hand on your knee. Occasionally he would read a question over your shoulder and make a face, silently being confused by why that even related to this.

“Date of last period?” The question made you ponder, you eventually had to go and check your phone, shocked to see how long it really had been. You wrote the date down, frowning at the fact that it had been four months, the irregularities shocking you. Tyler saw the way you froze, and glanced down at the paper, he sighed softly kissing your cheek. “It’s gonna be fine.” He assured you, looking around at how many pregnant women were here, “wait, you’re not-“ “oh, no, I’m not don’t worry.” You cut him off with a laugh, you knew they would do a test anyways, but you went through quite a few of your own already, the problem with the irregular periods, you often got worried by the what if’s. Not that you’d be sad if you were pregnant, you’ve always wanted kids, it’s just not the right time.

Finally you finished the paper work and turned it in, sitting back down beside Tyler and waiting for your name to be called. “So, like, what are they going to do?” He questioned, sheepishly, pink tint running up his neck. You shrugged, “depends, she might do an exam, she might just send me for an ultrasound.” You sighed, thinking of the last time you went to a gynecologist, you were young, only seventeen, it was terrible, the doctor brushed aside everything you were saying. Tyler nodded, pursing his lips together, “ok.” He shrugged, all he knew was he was going to be beside you the whole time. “Y/N Y/L/N.” They called, you stood up quickly, Tyler following behind you. “How’re you?” The nurse asked, “good, thanks.” You answered, Tyler smiled softly. “First we’ll get your weight, and then I’ll show you where the bathroom is so you can leave a sample.” She explained, you handed Tyler your bag, and kicked your sandals off, stepping onto the scale, you’d gained some weight, you always had an issue controlling it, but Tyler on many occasions, would assure you that it didn’t matter and you always looked beautiful to him. He knew it bothered you, but he would always do anything he could to assure you it didn’t matter, all that mattered was that you were healthy, which you were, your weight never posed an issue for you in that sense. “Write your name on the cup, and leave it in the metal cabinet when you’re done.” She smiled, pointing to the bathroom, Tyler awkwardly stayed standing next to her, shifting on his feet as you trudged to the bathroom. She laughed softly at him, “you men never handle these places well.” She teased softly, you couldn’t help but laugh as you shut the bathroom door. Tyler let out a breathy laugh in response, if they continued speaking after that you couldn’t hear them from inside the bathroom.

You sat up on the exam table, Tyler sitting in the seat beside it, the nurse looked over the paper, but still asked, “what brings you in today?” God how you hated that question, why make you fill out the paper work if they were going to ask you again anyways. “I had a cyst a few years back, I’d been going to a doctor but she wasn’t really doing much, so I kind of just stoped going.” You admitted. “My periods are also really irregular.” You added, watching as she scribbled it down for you. Tyler’s eyes bounced between her and you, “are you sexually active?” She asked, her back turned to you, so she didn’t see the small smirk Tyler shot you. “Yes.” You answered, shooting your boyfriend a glare. “Sorry.” He mouthed, sinking into the chair. “Alright, the doctor will be in shortly.” And with that she was gone, leaving you to jokingly glare at Tyler. “Such a perv.” You teased him, he rolled his eyes, “that was a stupid question.” He retorted, “she’s just doing her job.” You sighed, shifting on the table, nerves rushing through you, thankfully though, the doctor appeared in no time at all.

You explained to her everything that you’ve been going through. She asked some questions, and nodded everytime you answered. “I want to send you for an ultrasound to check for any cysts, but I’m going to say you most likely have pcos.” She told you, and your heart dropped for a moment, you’d heard so much about it, and you knew it wasn’t the end of the world, but you knew it wasn’t entirely treatable, and you knew when the day came that you and Tyler were ready to expand your family, it wouldn’t be easy. “What does that mean?” Tyler spoke up, leaning forward as he listened intently, had you not also been wanting to hear everything she said, you’d have taken a moment to stare at him in awe of how concerned he was. “Polycystic ovarian syndrome, basically, every month when you have your cycle, the ovaries get little cysts on them, that’s normal, but they’re supposed to go away every month with your period. Now sometimes they’ll stick around for another month, get slightly larger and then go, but because of the irregularities you’re having, they’re most likely continuing to get larger. The ultrasound will confirm that, as for treatment, the only thing really I can recommend is birth control to stabilize your periods.” She explained, looking back and forth between you and Tyler. You’d never started birth control when you were younger, you hadn’t really been with anyone long enough to be concerned about it until you met Tyler, and then it never really became an issue for you two, you were always careful, and with how irregular you were you knew the chances of getting pregnant were slim. “Okay.” Is all you could say, “let’s do that then.” You added, looking to Tyler who only nodded, he wasn’t going to tell you what to do and what not to do.

Luckily though they were able to squeeze you in for an ultrasound right now, so they whisked you off, Tyler was more than welcome to go with you, and you tried cautioning him against it. But he refused to listen and went with you, turning pale when he saw the ultrasound wand. You laughed softly when he rested his head in his hands, not wanting to watch when they did it. “I told you to stay outside.” You chastised him, knowing this would make him queasy, he may be a tough guy on the ice, but off the ice he was easily startled. “Shush, I’m trying to be supportive.” He mumbled, grabbing your hand when you winced slightly, a frown covering his face, “that hurt?” The radiologist questioned, “tender.” You answered, squeezing his hand harder when she turned the wand. She made a knowing sound, continuing with a soft apology. When she finished and removed the wand, Tyler made the horrible mistake of looking up before she cleaned it. He went wide eyed and turned to look at you when he saw a small bit of blood on the top of it. You giggled as you sat up, keeping the paper over your lap until she left so you could get redressed. “I’m sorry that it hurt you.” He muttered, handing you your pants. You shrugged it off, “it’s alright bub.” You kissed him quickly, buttoning up your pants, stepping out of the room, once again him following you slowly.

***

What felt like an eternity later, you were looking up as the doctor walked back in, and you were so grateful to have Tyler by your side, holding your hand as she started off, “your uterus looks great, so does your left ovary, but on the right ovary you have two simple cysts, they’re exactly what they sound like, they’re the normal cysts you get but they’ve just grown. One of them is about 4 centimeters,” she paused, making a circle with her fingers, you nodded, “and then the other one is 8 centimeters.” She widened her finger and you inhaled sharply. She nodded slowly, a soft reassuring smile on her face, “since we’re going to start the birth control, I want you to come back in six weeks for a follow up, and if it hasn’t started going down in size, we’re going to want to think about possibly doing a surgery.” You gasped softly at her words, she handed you a tissue as your eyes welled up. “It’s alright, it’s very common, it would be laparoscopic.” She explained, glancing to Tyler who had slid his chair closer to you, “but of course, I have to tell you there’s always the chance that when we go in there, something could go wrong or it is worse than we initially thought, there’s a chance we would have to remove the whole ovary.” You started tuning her out as she went onto the whole spiel she had to give about how you would still be able to have kids but it would be harder.

“Y/N.” Tyler spoke softly, snapping you from your thoughts, “I’ll see you in six weeks alright? Don’t worry about it.” The doctor assured you, stepping out of the room. Tyler went to speak but you shook your head, “I just want to schedule my appointment, and leave.” You knew if you spoke anymore you’d lose it, and it was stupid really, because these were all what if’s, but it was so easy to think worst case scenario.

You sat in the car, and all it took was Tyler grabbing your hand for you to lose it, in the parking lot of your doctors office as you thought of everything that could go wrong, instead of everything that could go right. “Baby, it’s okay.” He mumbled, doing his best to comfort you over the center console, you nodded as you cried. “I know, I just want to know, I hate waiting.” You mumbled, sniffling when you leaned back, “get over here.” He gasped teasingly, pulling you in for a kiss, holding your face in his hands, not letting you go until you started to laugh against him. “That’s much better.” He grinned, seeing the cheeky smile on your face. “It’s going to be alright, no matter what happens. I’ll be there with you.” He assured you, “but practice starts in a couple of weeks.” You whispered, keeping your eyes locked on his, practice was starting to kick into high gear soon. “I’ll figure it out, don’t worry about that, you need me here, I’ll be here.”

taglist: @softstarkey​ @thathockeygirl​ @mtkachuk​ @literarycharleton​ @wtfkie​

[94monkeys]

November, December and January were the worst months of my life that started out as the best months of my life. I am better, but I’m still not okay.

CW: death (not mine), medical stuff (no gore), emergency room experience

The first week of November was the election we’d been building up to, frankly, 4 years. I was basically eating, sleeping, breathing work from mid-August until the election, and then for several days after until we got the result that we wanted.

The second week in November, I found out I was pregnant. We were shocked and thrilled. (It was intentional but it was still, like, surprising that it actually worked???)

Turn back now because it only gets worse from here.

The third week in November, I find out I’m getting laid off. I was given a lot of reasons, none of which made sense, but basically a casualty of office politics way over my head. I was told that it wasn’t performance related, but it still felt brutal to have to do this after pouring myself into work. I’ve been laid off before, and it’s always a cold experience. You remember that your company only cares about you to a degree, and at the end of the day, they will always protect themselves and not you. I personally don’t understand why you would replace a professional with two part-time dilettantes on your public facing communications BUT ANYWAY!

I was asked to stay through the beginning of January and I accepted.

The fourth week in November was Thanksgiving. We were home about to make dinner for 2 (COVID). During the day, I started to feel sick and crampy. I called the urgent care nurse line and they told me to go to the ER. I live very close to a hospital, so I literally packed my biggest warmest sweatshirt and a book and walked there, leaving my spouse and the turkey still in the oven (luckily that was his purview anyway).

The ER was, surprisingly, very quiet. I was there for about 4 hours while they ran various tests on me. (They had to call a specialist in from their Thanksgiving dinner, which I felt terrible about.) Ultimately, they could not determine whether I had miscarried or not, so they sent me home with instructions to take it easy and to go in for more testing.

In December I had a doctor’s appointment where they confirmed that I was not pregnant any more. (The tech was very cold and impersonal… I was crying on the ultrasound table. I know that it was so early, but I was crying for myself and my spouse and the dreams we had invested that never came to be. I was sad because this was our first time, and it was so terrible, and we won’t ever have a first one.)

They flagged something in my blood tests that was troubling, so they ordered regular testing. I was going in about 3 times a week for blood draws. Luckily I’m not scared of needles so it was more annoying than anything.

I was also applying to and interviewing for jobs (without success) and also still working at my job where I felt literally invisible. It was a really dark time. I don’t know how else to describe it. I don’t know how I got out of bed every day. It felt like everything in my life had just collapsed at once. I didn’t feel unwell, but it was just like a big weight dragging me down all the time.

In the 3rd week of December, I had another ultrasound and then met with a new to me doctor, I’ll call her Dr. S. I had been going along with all the additional bloodwork, but I was starting to push back on why it was necessary.

It was a Friday afternoon when Dr. S met with me and said: We think that you have an ectopic pregnancy. I didn’t know, but I would soon learn that this was a pregnancy that was not in the right place, would not grow, but could rupture and kill me. She recommended surgery to address it.

Okay, I said. I had the next week off, so I assumed it would be either that week, or in January while I was funemployed (but still had my good health insurance).

I was thinking this weekend, said Dr. S.

So it was that I went to a Friday doctor’s appointment and found myself signing into surgery on Saturday morning.

It was my first ever surgery with anesthesia, and everyone took great care of me, but it was still EXTREMELY disconcerting. I had laparoscopic surgery so I only have 2 teeny scars, but I was in a lot of pain and confused when I woke up.

Work was closed all week, so I basically spent the whole week sitting in 1 chair in my apartment either watching movies or reading. I didn’t want to get into all the details with people, because a) 2020 was already so… 2020, b) I was still nominally job-hunting and I didn’t want to give anyone a dumb surface reason not to hire me or make them think I was a pregnancy flight risk (I love being a woman of a certain age!), c) I just didn’t want to talk about it. On the other hand, almost no one at work checked on me. I found their treatment very cold, again.

In January I put myself together for my last week at work, we had the runoff elections, we had the coup. I had my surgery follow-up where it was confirmed that it was an ectopic pregnancy. That was my January: medical follow-ups, but at least I don’t have to schedule them around the job I no longer have!  

WHEW. If you’ve gotten this far, thank you for hearing me. I have since gotten a new job working on communications for politics, but also nonprofits and city agencies. My stress has been cut by probably 70 percent. In my job I’m doing a lot more writing, which is probably what enabled me to write this long overdue update with most of everything in it.

We are starting to explore our fertility options. I had a doctor that really catastrophized me in terms of how intense we need to go about it, but likely we will start slowly and see how it goes. They still don’t know why I had an ectopic (and probably won’t figure out), but I am at higher risk of having another one, so any potential pregnancy will involve a lot of testing and monitoring. That’s why we haven’t “started” “trying” again, because there are tests and there is my new job and so on. I had a hysterosalpingogram, which you should definitely Google if you’re not squeamish. (It didn’t hurt but it was totally weird!)

I am better, but I’m not OK. I’m still mad about everything that happened to me. There are moments when I get catapulted back to my surgery and everything, and I completely freeze. I just got my doctors’ records from November and December (which I had to pay $35 for!!! MY OWN RECORDS) and even though I didn’t learn anything new from reading those records, I still had a lot of emotional trouble processing what happened. It’s weird that so many of them start by noting that the patient was “not in acute distress.” Must be an automatic fill-in because that doesn’t match what I was feeling ever!!!

Dr. S literally saved my life and I think what was not clear to me at the time, because I was still mourning what could have been, is that I am still here. I am more than everything that happened to me. 

I am looking for a new therapist and I am trying to look on the bright side. Unfortunately, one of my oldest friends in the world endured a similar health issue back in January; fortunately, we are each other’s best comfort because I know she won’t judge me. This summer may bring good news on this front or maybe not, but at least vaccinated we can do more than we have been able to do (picnics in the park! Visits to family!) I have to believe my luck is turning. It’s how I get by.

[transgalthoughts]

Guide to transitioning on a budget when you’re scared to come out but certain you want to

There are a few components to this: budgeting, getting treatment, coming out, general life stuff

BUDGETING First and centrally is budgeting. I don’t know what your income is so I’m not going to assume, but here is what my expenditure has been and what I think is reasonable as a goal if you do not have uncontrollable overheads you can’t help - additionally you may find some of my spending to be a bit much (£600 a month rent is quite steep, but cos I live in Oxford and the utilities and everything are included in that price it works out as a fairly decent option)

£600 a month shared housing (+ utilities, council tax etc). This is for Oxford, you can probably find it cheaper in most other places.

£200 a month monthly spending - use a budgeting app like Emma (you will probably need to spend more if you need a car, but try and avoid one if you can, cycling is a good transport option. You should do big shops every week or two, NOT regular small ones, you will spend more. If you are really committed to making headway quickly then unfortnately you can’t go out, it will eat up money like nothing else, try and see your friends in person at your house or theirs, you can be honest or say you don’t like the atmosphere. Cook in bulk using cheap ingredients - tinned and frozen food is a huge win. If you really want to cut down on spending make sure to buy vitamin pills and psyllium husk powder - you can eat less healthily without feeling like crap all the time if you’re eating stuff like this. If you want to eat super healthily try frozen mixed vegetables, tinned tomatoes, lentils, tinned fish, and tinned pulses all mixed together in a wok with smoked paprika and salt - it’s quite cheap, imo very tasty, and very healthy. 

Worth noting: over the course of a year your actual monthly spending is likely to be more liek £250 if you budget for £200 a month - you’ll need to replace phones and laptops and make big one off purchases occasionally, but remember the goal is saving, if you can avoid these costs then do (is your phone freezing for 20 seconds every half an hour really grounds for a replacement?) The £250 total spending per month is total spending - if you want to do something fun this should come out of other spending - not your savings 

Medications: inhousepharmacy is a good one - make sure to buy in bulk (this goes for everything). Don’t try and include this in monthly spending, try and include it in the £50 extra a month spending. Here is a good guide for the first purchase Cyproterone acetate - 300 50mg tablets for £202.22 (1 a day) Estrofem - 364 2mg tablets for £148.94 (start on 1 a day, maybe move up to two if you feel you need to and are comfortable) - take these sublingually to increase the effective dose without spending more. So, your overall cost of living per year should be approximately £10,700 - put the rest into premium bonds, you can take it out relatively easily and you’re guaranteed not to lose your money (if the UK government collapses you have bigger problems than your savings being gone).  If you’re earning £20k a year then you should be able to save £9,300 a year.  If you have the time and energy try getting into some work, especially gig economy work on top of your current job/time in university (deliveroo for example). 

GETTING TREATMENT  Before any of the savings stuff, before you are even sure you are trans, talk to your GP about it and say ytou want to be referred to a GIC. It will take 3 years - you will have plenty of time to find yourself within that time, and if you still haven’t you can find yourself in the GIC. DO NOT wait until you are absolutely sure before telling your GP, I know it is scary but you can do it, and it’s almost easier to do it when you’re not sure. If you wait for a year you will fucking hate yourself 2 years later when you have been waiting for treatment for what seems like your entire life at this point - and private GICs are expensive as fuck. 

If you can afford it go to a private GIC - if you want bottom or top surgery with any reputable surgery you will need to have been officially on hormones for a year, self-medding doesn’t count. There are a few options out there for you but most notably are genderGP (more expensive, but there is less expectation of you to prove you are trans, and they have no issue with previous self medding) and gendercare (less expensive but they may decide you are not quite trans enough - they are also less willing to take on patients who have previously self-medded). Additionally a lot of GPs will not work with (ie pay for the prescriptions for you on the recommendation of) any private GIC, but the ones that do are more willing to work with gendercare than genderGP - look into this more before deciding who you want to go with.  Do not underestimate the importance of the type of HRT you are using. Cyproterone acetate and oestrogen pills are fine. GnRH analogues and transdermal oestrogen patches work far more effectively and with fewer side effects (but GnRH analogues in particular are far more expensive). 

COMING OUT  Coming out all at once publically is gonna be really fucking daunting. You are gonna want to identify individuals and talk to them one on one about it first. These should be people you are close with and who you think are gonna be supportive (ideally both, not just one of the other, but prioritise those who you think are gonna be supportive first - you will gain confidence as you do it if you choose the right people, and lose it if you choose the wrong ones). You do not owe honesty to your parents about this. 

Once you have a good selection of people who you know who are supportive start thinking about how you want to play this - in particular how sure and scared you are. I decided to get FFS (facial feminisation surgery) BEFORE coming out publicly - but after 2 years on HRT (this restricts your choice of surgeons btw). I was absolutely certain before I did this and if you plan on doing this you should be too.  I got my surgery with Dr Jesus Baez in Guadalajara (lip lift, closed rhinoplasty, type t osteotomy, hairline advancement, eyebrow raise, forehead bone shaving) and it cost £12,000 for the surgery - but a lot more than that for everything else (so I spent around £16,000 in total - and that was being tight). However, that’s less than 2 years of saving on £20k a year, so get started now.  Voice training - do it, you can do it for free using transvoice on youtube - the main thing to practice if you have a deep, chest resonant voice is simply doing the *pah pah pah* exercise as often as you can (you can do it silently) and before you start talking to people. 

Also GPs can refer you for voice training directly, even if a GP is unwilling to work with a private GIC they might be willing to do with this (since there is no liability associated with referring you to train your voice more effectively). I haven’t done this but I expect there is gonna be a waiting list though. You really can’t voice train too often (though you can too much in one session).  HEALTH So as mentioned in the budgeting section it is very possible to eat healthily on a budget (well, the kind of budget I recommend, please please don’t try and push it too hard because you need to stay healthy for this - doctors, even gender specialists, are pretty unwilling to prescribe for trans health care because this country is transphobic, so you ideally want to be a picture of health before asking for treatment. Eat healthily, run, bulk up those legs and work that core (leg press, side leg raises with resistance band, crunches, squats, sit ups, reverse crunches, side crunches etc) - all of these things will a) improve the results of blood tests and make it easier to get a prescription, b) hopefully give you a body shape more in line with conventional standards for women and c) stimulate production of hgh which will make the estradiol more effective (but don’t even think of taking hgh as a medication without explicitly getting it prescribed by a doctor, it is seriously not worth it and it can fuck up your body a lot making it impossible to get effective treatment).  GOOD LUUUUCK!!!

[knewhealth]

Detection and Prevention is Key with Colorectal Cancer

Detection and Prevention is Key with Colorectal Cancer

📷

Colorectal cancer is a common form of cancer, but fortunately, it can be detected early. As with most health conditions, the early detection of colorectal cancer increases your chances of beating the disease.

Most of us don’t think about colorectal health all that much. In fact, because of its situation, it might feel embarrassing to talk about colorectal issues. But learning about colorectal health and screening tests is essential – in fact, it might just save your life.

The good news is that making some healthy lifestyle changes can reduce your chances of developing colorectal cancer. And, with a few regular tests, it’s possible to detect precancerous cells and early-stage cancer.

Here’s what you need to know about colorectal cancer.

What is colorectal cancer?

Colorectal cancer starts in the lower digestive system, specifically the colon or rectum. The colon is also known as the large intestine. When left untreated, colorectal cancer may spread to other parts of the body.

This form of cancer is surprisingly common: according to The American Cancer Society (ACS), about 1 in 23 men and 1 in 25 women will develop colorectal cancer at some point during their lifetime. The Center for Disease Control (CDC) states that colorectal cancer is the second leading cause of cancer deaths in the US, with the first being lung cancer.

Early detection can increase your likelihood of survival and the good news is that a range of treatments are available.

What are the stages of colorectal cancer?

If you’re diagnosed with colorectal cancer, your doctor will probably use staging to tell you how advanced your cancer is, with stage 0 being the earliest stage and stage 4 being the most advanced.

Here’s what the stages of colorectal cancer refer to:

Stage 0 is when abnormal cells are only found in the inner lining of the colon or rectum.

Stage 1 is when the cancer cells have penetrated the lining. At this point, the cells might be growing into the muscle layer of the colon or rectum.

Stage 2 is when the cancer cells have spread to the colon or rectum walls or to nearby tissues.

Stage 3 is when the cancer has moved to the lymph nodes.

Stage 4 is when the cancer has spread both to the lymph nodes and to other organs.

The earlier you detect colorectal cancer, the better. And treatments are generally more effective if it’s detected early.

Who is most likely to get colorectal cancer?

Anybody can get colorectal cancer, which is why it’s important to keep a look out for the signs and seek medical help if you have any worrying symptoms. However, certain people are more likely to develop colorectal cancer than others.

People are more likely to get colorectal cancer if they:

are over 50 years old

have a family history of colorectal cancer

have a personal history of adenomatous polyps

have type 2 diabetes or inflammatory bowel disorder (IBD)

have genetic syndromes, such as Lynch syndrome

are of African American or Ashkenazi Jewish descent

smoke cigarettes

drink alcohol frequently

have a sedentary lifestyle

consume a lot of red meat or processed meat

While you can’t change your age, family medical history, or genes, there are some steps you can take to reduce your risk of developing cancer.

Can you prevent colorectal cancer?

You can’t always prevent colorectal cancer, and some risk factors – such as your age and genetics – can’t be changed. However, research suggests that certain healthy lifestyle changes can reduce your risk of colorectal cancer.

These changes can include:

eating less red meat and processed meats

eating more plant-based foods

exercising regularly

quitting smoking

reducing the amount of alcohol you drink

reducing your stress levels

getting enough sleep

The above lifestyle changes aren’t just good for preventing colorectal cancer, but for preventing a range of health conditions.

Making a lifestyle change can be difficult, but you don’t have to do it alone. If you’re a Knew Health Member, remember to take advantage of our free Health Coaching services. A Health Coach can help you set wellness goals and design a plan to reach and maintain those goals.

Signs and symptoms of colorectal cancer

Early symptoms of colorectal cancer may include:

constipation and diarrhea

nausea and vomiting

unusually narrow stools

the feeling of not being empty after a bowel movement

rectal bleeding and blood in the stool

black stools

abdominal bloating and pain

pain or pressure in the rectum

a lump in the rectum or abdomen

fatigue

anemia

weight loss

decreased appetite

unintentional weight loss

bowel obstruction or bowel perforation

Many of the above symptoms might be caused by another health condition, which is why many people don’t realize they have colorectal cancer until the symptoms become quite severe. Being aware of these symptoms and seeking medical help could enable you to detect it early.

If you’re experiencing these symptoms, it’s essential to speak to your doctor. Explain when the symptom started and describe it. Be prepared to discuss your medical history and your family’s history, if your doctor isn’t yet aware of it. Discuss whether you should be screened for colorectal cancer.

How do you detect colorectal cancer early?

Although you can’t always prevent colorectal cancer, you can detect it early. Regular screening tests for colorectal cancer will help you detect colorectal cancer as soon as possible.

The screening test will include talking with your doctor about your medical history. Your doctor will perform a physical exam and possibly a rectal exam to check for lumps or polyps (both of which are early symptoms of colorectal cancer).

Precancerous polyps can be removed, thus reducing the chances of you developing full-blown cancer.

Should I get screened for colorectal cancer?

If you’re over the age of 50, groups such as The American College of Physicians and The British Medical Journal recommend regular screenings. The CDC and the American Cancer Society, however, recommends having screenings over the age of 45.

You should also have screenings if:

You or someone you’re closely related to (a parent or sibling) have had colorectal polyps or colorectal cancer

You have a genetic condition that makes you more likely to have colorectal cancer

You have an inflammatory bowel disease such as Crohn’s disease or ulcerative colitis

The American College of Physicians also recommends having a colonoscopy every 10 years. They also recommend having a fecal immunochemical test (FIT) or high sensitivity guaiac-based fecal occult blood test (gFOBT) every two years.

For Knew Health Members, colonoscopies are fully eligible to share through our Medical Cost Sharing Community. We encourage our Members to get screened regularly and share these costs through Knew Health.

How is colorectal cancer treated?

Your cancer treatment plan will be developed by your doctors according to your unique situation. The location of the cancer as well as its stage will affect your treatment plan.

Your treatment plan might include one or more of the following:

chemotherapy

radiation therapy

surgery

radiofrequency ablation (also known as RFA) or cryoablation

other targeted therapies

Certain lifestyle changes, like a change in your diet or quitting cigarettes, might also be wise. Your doctor will advise you on any lifestyle changes you need to make as well as the potential side effects of the above-mentioned treatments.

Cancer treatment can be tough, both mentally and physically, for you and your family. You and your loved ones might benefit from support groups during the treatment period.

More resources on colorectal cancer

If you want to learn more about colorectal cancer, the following resources might be helpful:

The American Cancer Society has a section on colorectal cancer as well as other cancers

The Colorectal Cancer Society has compiled a list of resources for patients

Fight Colorectal Cancer is an organization that focuses on colorectal cancer advocacy

The CDC has a list of colorectal cancer resources

The National Cancer Institute has a range of patient resources on colorectal cancer

If you have colorectal cancer, you might benefit from looking for support groups (either online or in person). Ask your doctor if they can recommend any local support groups.

While colorectal cancer is a common condition, there are many things you can do to prevent it or detect it early. It’s also a condition that can be treated, especially if you detect it early. If you’re concerned about colorectal cancer, talk with your doctor about screening tests.

Resources

The American Cancer Society medical and editorial content team. (2020). Colorectal cancer risk factors. cancer.org/cancer/colon-rectal-cancer/causes-risks-prevention/risk-factors.html

The American Cancer Society Medical and Editorial Content Team. (2019). Key statistics for colorectal cancer. cancer.org/cancer/colon-rectal-cancer/about/key-statistics.html

Colorectal cancer. (n.d.). cancer.org/cancer/colon-rectal-cancer/

Colorectal cancer prevention (PDQ) – patient version. (2019). cancer.gov/types/colorectal/patient/colorectal-prevention-pdq

Colorectal cancer: Screening [Final recommendation statement]. (2016). uspreventiveservicestaskforce.org/uspstf/recommendation/colorectal-cancer-screening

Colorectal cancer: Types of treatment. (2019). cancer.net/cancer-types/colorectal-cancer/types-treatment

Mayo Clinic Staff. (2019). Colon cancer. mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/colon-cancer/symptoms-causes/syc-20353669

Knew Health

Author

For more visit https://knewhealth.com/detection-and-prevention-is-key-with-colorectal-cancer/

[eldritchteaparty]

Chapters: 8/20 Fandom: The Magnus Archives (Podcast) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist Characters: Martin Blackwood, Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Tim Stoker (The Magnus Archives), Sasha James, Rosie Zampano, Oliver Banks, Original Elias Bouchard, Peter Lukas, Annabelle Cane Additional Tags: Post-Canon, Fix-It, Post-Canon Fix-It, Scars, Eventual Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, I'll add characters and tags as they come up, Reference to injuries and blood, Character Death In Dream, Nudity (not sexual or graphic), Nightmares, Fighting

Summary: Following the events of MAG 200, Jon and Martin find themselves in a dimension very much like the one they came from--with second chances and more time.

Chapter Summary: Following their misadventure at Hill Top Road, Jon finally takes some time off; Martin remembers something disturbing about the archives’ collection of books.

Chapter 8 of my post-canon fix-it is up! Read at AO3 above or here below.

Tumblr master post with links to previous chapters is here.

***

“Jon, take the pills.”

Jon, wrapped in a blanket and staring out over the railing of the flat’s small balcony, stayed silent.

“Fine, I’ll just wait.” Martin set the vitamin bottles and the glass of water on the sturdiest-looking part of the railing, and shifted the second chair enough so he could sit down.

“You’re going to get cold,” Jon said.

“Yeah, probably.” Martin was dressed in a light jumper with only a t-shirt beneath it. It had been warm enough earlier in the day—the weather was getting nicer—but as the sun started to go down it was cooling off.

“Your choice.” Jon picked up his lighter from the small table between them and lit another cigarette, and they sat together as the sun continued its journey below the horizon. It really was beautiful, Martin thought. He hadn’t taken the opportunity to observe any part of nature in a long time. It hadn’t ever been much of a priority to him, but there was something nice about taking in the colors that spilled across the sky—deep yellows and oranges that gave way to pinks and purples, and eventually a dark glowing blue that was only barely distinguishable from black.

Martin wrapped his arms around himself.

“At least get a coat,” Jon said.

“At least take those pills.”

“God, you’re stubborn.” Jon readjusted in his seat to pull his legs up under the blanket a little more.

“Pot and kettle, Jon.”

“Why should I take them? You heard the doctors, there isn’t anything actually wrong with me. They’re just grasping at straws.”

After an hour or so on the porch at Hill Top Road, Martin had calmed enough to make the decision to go to A&E. Although Jon had protested, the fact was that he had been too weak to do anything about it, and Martin only felt a little bad taking advantage of that. As he’d said then, he couldn’t believe he hadn’t insisted on doing it before; he’d become so used to not being able to get help, that he hadn’t really considered it until then. He wasn’t going to mess around anymore, though, especially now that he realized he might not always be able to help on his own.

After hearing about Jon’s recent fatigue and his fainting episode, the healthcare staff had run a lot of tests. They’d hooked him up to monitors, measured things, done blood draws. Martin had to admit Jon’s description of their conclusions wasn’t far off—they didn’t find anything explicitly wrong with him. There was no diagnosis they felt comfortable giving, although they had pointed out a few possibilities that they should monitor. And they’d recommended the vitamins, of course.

“They did say you have nutritional deficiency—”

“—minor nutritional deficiency—”

“—and your vitamin D levels were actually quite low.” Martin shivered involuntarily in the cool night air.

“God damn it, Martin.” Jon fidgeted with the lighter on the table, but didn’t actually reach for another cigarette. “Will you take the blanket, anyway?”

“Will you take those pills?”

“They won’t help with anything,” Jon protested. “We both know that. This is ridiculous.”

“Speak for yourself,” Martin countered. “I’m not assuming anything about what will help. Beyond that, given how you’ve been eating, they can’t hurt. And finally, yes, I am being ridiculous, and I don’t care.”

“I didn’t say you were being ridiculous.”

“No, I said it. I’ll own it. I am being ridiculous, because I don’t want to lose you, and I’m scared. I don’t want to lose you now any more than I did when we were walking through an apocalypse together, or when you were being kidnapped by actual monsters every week, or when you were taking unannounced holidays in coffins or whatever.” Martin shivered again. “Look, it’s just not that hard to take them, Jon.”

“Well, when you put it that way, I’m behaving like an ass,” Jon sighed.

“Now I didn’t say that,” Martin replied. “I’m not trying to ignore what you’re feeling Jon, and I know there’s not a quick fix for any of it. It’s just that it’s—it’s such a small thing, and if it helps, at least it’s something.”

Jon grumbled.

“And not to bring this up again, but—I mean, it might help if you would just talk to me?”

Jon shook his head. “I can’t. When I try to put it into words, I—it never comes out right. I sound like a—well, a monster.” Jon seemed to shrink back into the blanket even more. “Or maybe I am one, and I can’t face you knowing it.”

“Jon…” Martin hesitated, but decided to finish the thought. “I’ll be honest with you. I’ve asked myself if—if you are.”

Jon turned to him. “And?”

“And I don’t think so,” Martin said simply.

“Why not?”

“To be completely clear, it’s not the most rational reason. I just don’t think I could love you like this if you were. You’re just not bad. You’ve only ever wanted to do the right thing. You’ve only ever wanted to protect people, to protect me, even if—” Martin cleared his throat. “Even if we haven’t always agreed on what that looks like.”

“I see,” Jon said softly, turning to look over the railing again.

“So, if you don’t want to talk, that’s fine.” Martin leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees, blowing warm air into his hands. “But in that case, it’s vitamins and freezing myself.”

“May I ask a favor first?” Jon said, eyeing the glass of water warily.

“Depends on the favor.”

“Will you make me some tea?”

“Of course.” Martin was relieved; that was one thing he imagined he’d always be happy to do. “But you’ll take those pills if I do?”

“Yes,” Jon said. “You’ve made your case.”

He reached down to kiss Jon’s head before he walked back into the kitchen, and noted with comfort that Jon leaned into him as he did.

***

That was Sunday evening. Since they’d returned from A&E, Jon had spent most of the time before that afternoon sleeping. He’d been restless, and Martin had slept on the couch for a few nights to try to let Jon get as much sleep as he could. Of course, he had woken anxiously every few hours needing to check on Jon, so he was more than ready to go to bed after their discussion on the balcony. He ended up turning in before Jon, so he was a little surprised to find him already awake and sitting back against his pillows when he opened his eyes on Monday.

“Hey,” Martin said, moving closer to rest his face against Jon’s hip, throwing an arm over his legs.

“Hey.”

“Did I keep you up?” Martin asked.

“No.”

“What time did you get in bed?”

“I don’t know exactly. Not that long after you. I’m just not that tired. Maybe I finally slept enough.”

“That makes one of us.” One night of sleep hadn’t done Martin as much good as he had hoped.

“I’m sorry.” With his eyes still closed, Martin felt Jon’s hand come to rest on his head, gently rubbing his scalp just above his ear.

“I’m going to have to cut my hair soon.”

“I like it,” Jon said, gently tugging at a few strands. “I mean, I like it shorter, too. I guess I just like your hair.”

“Flatterer.” Martin yawned, then pressed his face into Jon even harder for a moment before rolling back to his side of the bed. “Just so long as you know it’s not getting you out of those pills. Do you want to shower first?”

“Actually, I was thinking I might not go in today.”

“Really?” Martin sat up to look at Jon. “How are you feeling?”

“Better.” He picked at an invisible spot on the quilt. “It’s more that I’d just—I’d like some time to think. If you’re ok with it.”

“Yes, of course I’m ok with it. I’ve been trying to get you to take it easy ever since we got here. We can—” He stopped when he saw the look on Jon’s face and realized what he was actually asking. “Oh, you meant—just you. Yeah, no, of course that’s fine. That’s great.”

“Are you sure? I mean—if you want to stay too—”

“No,” Martin interrupted. “No, it’s really fine. It’s not a problem. I mean, I know I’ve been really irritating with the—”

“That’s not it,” Jon said reassuringly. “It’s really not. I’m—I’m glad you’ve been here for me. It’s just my mind’s been so cluttered, and it finally—I feel like I can gather my thoughts.”

Martin nodded. “I get it. I do.” He did, mostly. “Would it be ok if I called to check on you?”

Jon smiled. “I’m sure I’d worry if you didn’t.”

So Martin went in by himself. He told Tim and Sasha the truth, mostly; Jon had blacked out after therapy, of course, not in an abandoned house in Oxford where there existed a possible gap between dimensions and realities, but the part about going to A&E and Jon staying home to recover was straightforward enough.

“Glad something slowed him down,” Tim said, and Sasha gave him a look. “Well, something was bound to happen, and at least Martin was there. It could have been worse. He was pushing himself too hard.”

“You’re not wrong,” Martin agreed, and Sasha patted him soothingly on the shoulder.

He went in by himself the next day, too. Jon seemed to be doing well enough. They didn’t talk much; Martin was tired and Jon seemed lost in his thoughts. Martin wasn’t sure what Jon was doing most of the day, though it didn’t seem to be much of anything. He was eating—well, drinking the nutrition shakes Martin had picked up for him—and Martin suspected he was sleeping a little, based on how the bed looked when he came home. Jon managed to eat solid food at supper again that second night, and reached protectively for his half-empty plate when Martin assumed he was done.

“Sorry,” Martin said with his hands up in apology, leaning back into the couch. “Does that mean—maybe you’re feeling better?”

“I think so. Starting to.” Jon stretched out his feet to rest them on the bottom ledge of the coffee table. For an instant, Martin already missed the feeling of Jon falling asleep against him—but this was better, he knew. He pushed the mournfulness away.

He went in by himself again on Wednesday. A little after noon, Sasha joined him and Tim in the assistants’ office.

“Want to come to lunch?”

Martin assumed she was asking Tim, but when he didn’t hear an answer, he glanced up to find both of them looking at him.

“Oh—me?” Martin asked.

“Yes,” Tim replied, grabbing his jacket off the back of his chair. “Might be nice to take up some old habits again.”

Martin didn’t have to think for too long to figure out what Tim was referring to; memories from this world came easy now. Not long after his mother had died, they’d started going out for lunch together once a week. It had almost certainly been for his benefit, but no one had ever admitted that to him; instead, they’d all acted like it was a spontaneous idea that for some reason had never occurred to any of them before. Martin had been so grateful for the company that he’d simply accepted it without thinking about it too hard.

“We’ll miss Jon, of course,” Sasha added, “but he can come with us next week.”

“Oh, whatever,” Tim said, elbowing Martin good-naturedly as they left the office together. “This just makes up for those times Jon couldn’t wait and stole Martin out from under us.”

Martin remembered that, too; there had been a few times when, despite their best intentions, he’d been overwhelmed by the thought of lunch with the whole group. Jon had somehow understood and anticipated those days, and had come up with some reason he had to go early, asking Martin if he’d wanted to join. They hadn’t said much when it had been just the two of them, nothing important, but that had sort of been the point, hadn’t it? It was a nice memory, anyway, and Martin was glad he had it now. He wondered if Jon had remembered it yet.

***

Lunch was pleasant enough, if a little bit awkward. Martin hadn’t spent much time with Sasha, at least not compared to how much time he’d spent with Tim, and he could tell she was being careful with him. She was polite, keeping the conversation easy, deliberately avoiding topics that held anything other than surface interest. After he finished eating, he decided to ask her some things he’d been wondering about, and hoped she’d chalk up anything strange about it to him being a little thrown off from last week.

“Sasha,” he asked, setting his fork down, “do you—like being the head archivist?”

“What do you mean?” she asked, leaning toward him slightly over their table.

“Do you like it? Is it a good job? Is it—is it how you thought it would be?”

Sasha crossed her arms in thought. “Well, I’m not really sure how to answer that. I mean, the Magnus Institute has its issues, I suppose. It’s an academic joke, of course, but it’s not like the respect of my peers was ever that important to me.” She laughed at herself. “And some of our benefactors are… well, a bit full of themselves? But I suppose that’s true anywhere. I am quite happy with the job security, and it pays well enough for what it is. Plus I’m actually using my degree, which is more than I can say for most of my classmates.”

“Have you ever—wanted to leave?”

Sasha frowned slightly. “No—no, not really. Why?”

“No reason,” Martin said as casually as he could. He couldn’t exactly say just wondering if you’re trapped here. “Just been doing some thinking, I guess.”

“Well,” Sasha said, “I’ll admit the job’s felt a little bit different lately. Hard to say exactly how… I guess I’ve been struggling a bit with—well, I’m still not sure how to handle the—incidents, I suppose? It doesn’t make any sense, but it feels like I’m responsible for the people who come here to talk to us. Like I should be keeping track of their stories, somehow. I just don’t know what to do with them. Honestly, I’ve just started asking them to write everything down. I feel bad, but I just can’t listen to some of them. I’ll have nightmares.”

“Oh. They’re still coming in, then?”

“Sometimes. Not every day, but enough.”

“I—I didn’t know. Does Jon know?”

“He’s been there for a few, yes.”

Martin took a few sips of water. Jon hadn’t mentioned that specifically, but it probably wasn’t anything.

“What about—what about Elias? He doesn’t seem too fond of the Institute. Why does he stay?”

“You’ll have to ask Tim,” Sasha said, poking at what was left of her salad with her fork again. “They’re best friends.”

Tim laughed. “We are not best friends. However, I do think you should spend a little more time with him outside of work. You’re missing out.”

“I don’t think so.”

“Oh, come on.” Tim poked her arm playfully with the tines of his fork, and she batted him away. “He and Allan are a trip.”

“Exactly,” she replied.

“What I meant was, they’re funny. Especially Elias.” He turned to Martin. “Now the key to understanding him is to recognize that he has money—and also that he hates money, even though he has no idea how to function without it. And people with money, he especially hates. But at some point, I suppose, his father wore him down, and he has now accepted his position in life with as little grace and composure as he can.”

Martin thought back to what little he knew about Elias Bouchard, the actual Elias Bouchard, from his own world. “That… makes sense, actually.”

“And it makes him a pain in the ass when I need something,” Sasha added. “But on the positive side—he does leave me alone to do my job, for the most part.”

Martin remembered Allan’s name too; Martin remembered he had died after finding an old book. “So Allan is—his roommate?”

Tim raised his eyebrows. “That, Martin, is none of our business.”

“What?” Martin was genuinely confused before he realized what Tim was getting at.  “Oh—oh god, no, I didn’t—”

“However,” Tim interrupted him, “if you find out let me know, because I believe Sasha will owe me 10 quid on that day.”

“Doubtful,” Sasha said, grinning over the phone she was now scrolling through. “Very doubtful.”

Martin could feel his face turning red, so he was grateful for the distraction when Sasha leaned forward with her phone.

“Speaking of working at the Magnus Institute—look at this,” she said, attempting to angle the phone so both Martin and Tim could see at once. “I cannot get over how much she’s enjoying her retirement. I never thought she’d leave, but then it was like she was just up and done one day, and she never looked back.”

It took Martin a moment to understand what she was showing them, but it was a picture of Gertrude Robinson—a Facebook picture. He might not have known it was her, if it wasn’t for the name posted above it. The biggest difference was that in every picture he’d ever seen of her, she’d been wearing her hair in the same tightly-pulled grey bun; here, she was wearing her hair down, and it flowed softly past her shoulders. The next most obvious difference was he didn’t think he’d ever seen her smiling in a picture before, and she looked quite happy in this one, drink in hand, next to an equally-cheerful looking older man who had been holding up the phone to snap the photo. The caption read catching up with an old friend.

Sasha pointed at Martin to emphasize his surprised reaction. “See, that’s what I’m saying. I guess you just never know.”

“Who—who’s in the picture with her?” Martin asked.

“Oh right, I forget you never met him in person. That’s Jurgen Leitner.” She shook her head. “I didn’t think she was that fond of him, really. Must be another retirement thing.”

Jurgen Leitner—what was his connection to the Institute here? It’s not like he would have been living in the tunnels, there was just no—

The realization hit him like a ton of bricks. The Leitner Room. In this world, the Magnus Institute was home to every book Jurgen Leitner had ever collected. He had collected them, of course, only his library had never been destroyed because there was nothing to make that happen. When he’d decided to downsize in his later life—when he didn’t feel quite the same sense of pride in them—the archives had been the perfect home for his books. Of course, up until now, it meant nothing except a new collection and a nice endowment for the Institute.

What did it mean now?

“Are you ok?” Sasha asked. “You look—”

“You look like you just got run over,” Tim finished.

“Sorry.” Martin pulled his hand away from his mouth; he hadn’t even realized he had put it there. “I just—I just remembered something. It’s, um…”

“Do you need to get back?” Sasha asked after a moment of silence.

“Yeah,” Martin answered, apologizing with his voice. “Yeah, if you don’t mind. You can stay, if you want—”

“No, I’m done.” Tim took one more drink to empty his glass. “Sasha?”

She shrugged. “I’m ready.”

“Thanks,” Martin said. “I—there’s something I need to take care of for Jon.”

***

After they got back, Martin tried to look busy at his desk, hoping they’d think that he was taking care of whatever it was online. He took the opportunity to review the records in the system, and was comforted to note that nothing in the Leitner group currently had any special notations connected to it. All of the books were, at least in principle, on the shelves, and no one had requested access to any of them. He’d been hoping that was why his attention hadn’t been drawn to any of them previously, and it seemed like he’d lucked out. It was an obscure collection, and there were a lot of restrictions on them at Jurgen Leitner’s request; not just anyone could come in and browse them, and only a very specific set of research purposes qualified for special permission to remove them from the library.

He relaxed a little, and then waited for an opportunity to leave the office without attracting attention. He had to wait a while, but eventually Rosie came in with something for Sasha to review. A moment later Sasha called Tim in to her office, and Martin took the opportunity to leave. He just didn’t see a reason to risk drawing anyone else’s attention to the Leitners, especially since it seemed they were all but forgotten as they were.

He walked out past Rosie’s desk and back into the stacks; the room really was quite out of the way, buried deep in a corner of the shelving units. It wasn’t a large room, and if you weren’t looking for it, it would have been easy to miss. Even the sign above the door, emblazoned with the word Leitner, was barely distinguishable from the metal door frame behind it. The room was kept locked, but as an archival assistant Martin had a copy of the key. He held his breath and turned it.

Walking into the room was anticlimactic; it didn’t feel like much. There was no threatening aura; there was no sense of danger. It felt like nothing more than a small room full of musty old books, like many other small rooms of musty old books Martin had been in before.

He took a quick look at some of the titles on the shelves. At first glance, he didn’t see any he had heard of before, but of course he hadn’t heard of most Leitners. He continued to look, straining his eyes at words written on faded spines, occasionally pulling one gingerly off the shelves to check the front cover; he just needed something to prove to himself he wasn’t overreacting. Finally he found one he knew: a thick, black paperback labeled The Boneturner’s Tale. Martin felt a shiver run down his back as he involuntarily jerked his hand away from it.

He closed the door to the room, locking it behind him, and pulled out his phone. Thankfully, he had service, and he immediately dialed Jon’s number.

“I ate,” Jon said when he picked up.

“No,” Martin said. “Well, yes, I’m glad, but—”

“Martin, are you—what’s going on?”

“I—I don’t know how to tell you this. I’m…” Getting Jon to remember for himself was going to be much easier than explaining it.

“Are you ok?”

“Yes, I—well, all right. At lunch, Sasha showed us a picture of Gertrude Robinson. On Facebook.”

“Oh,” Jon sounded puzzled. “I knew she had retired, but I hadn’t thought to—”

“Well, that’s not it. She was with someone in the picture.”

“Who?”

Martin took a deep breath. “Jurgen Leitner.”

There was a prolonged silence before Jon spoke again. “Oh. God.”

“Yeah.”

“You’re there, aren’t you? Right now.”

“Yes. I’m—I’m not sure what I should do.”

“First, don’t touch anything.”

Martin didn’t respond.

“Ok—don’t touch anything else, then.”

“All right,” Martin said.

“Damn it. I should be there. I should be there with you.”

“No—no, it’s fine. I just—what should I do?”

“I don’t know.”

“Can I—ok, can I destroy them?”

“What do you mean?”

“Like—” Martin swallowed. “Ok, I’m sure this isn’t the best idea, but—what if a fire were to start in here? Or—something?”

“Do not,” Jon commanded. “Martin Blackwood, I have never been more serious in my life, do not do anything of the sort.”

“Ok, ok,” Martin said. “I said it probably wasn’t a great idea—"

“Some of those books would—let’s just say burning them would not have the desired effect. Or wetting them down, or chopping them up, or—”

“All right, all right. I get it. I mean—that’s not surprising, I guess. So what do I do?”

“Did you check the system? Are any checked out, or reserved, or—?”

“No,” Martin answered. “I mean, yes, I checked the system, and they’re all—they’re all here, in theory. No one’s asked for any of them.”

“Ok.” Martin heard the relief he’d felt earlier echoed in Jon’s voice. “That—that’s good.”

They sat in silence for a moment, before Jon spoke again.

“You’re—you’re not going to like this, but—I think you should go. For now.”

“And just leave them all here?”

“Yes. Believe me, I’m just as frustrated as you, but I don’t think there’s another option just yet. They’re relatively protected there, and hopefully they’ll continue to not draw attention.” He paused, and then added softly, “Right now, I just want you out of there.”

Martin sighed. “Right. Ok. Um… I guess… I can at least set up an alert so I get notified if anyone puts in a request?”

“That’s a good idea. And I’ll—I’ll keep thinking. Are you leaving yet?”

“Right after we get off the phone. Just in case. I don’t want to attract attention if someone else is down here.”

“All right. Message me when you’re back at your desk.”

“Sure.” Martin hung up, disappointed there wasn’t more to be done, but Jon was almost certainly right—it would be much too easy to do damage instead of prevent it, if he acted rashly.

Before he left though, he had one more thing he wanted to do.

***

That night, when Martin got home, he found Jon on the small balcony in back again; that was what he’d been hoping for. He grabbed the small metal trash bin out of the toilet in the hallway and stepped outside, closing the door behind him.

“Martin,” Jon said, stamping out a cigarette in the ash tray on the small table as he stood up. “You startled me. You’re a bit early—we can go in.”

“Sorry, didn’t mean to—I should have said something. Actually, I wanted to catch you out here. I brought you something.” He set the bin he’d brought out with him on the balcony, between the two of them.

“It’s a trash bin,” Jon observed.

“Well, that’s only part of it.” He picked up the lighter Jon had left on the table and handed it to him.

“If this is commentary on my smoking habit, I think the ash tray is big enough. Besides, I don’t plan to keep—”

“No—no, that’s not it. I don’t care about the smoking. Well, I don’t love it, but that’s really not it.” Martin sighed. “Look, I know you said not to touch anything in the Leitner Room, but—well, here.”

From behind his back, he brought out a small, square book; he could see Jon didn’t need to read the title to recognize it in the dim evening light.

“Martin,” he whispered. “I—”

“Don’t say anything. Don’t think, don’t open it. Just—take it. Burn it. This one should be fine. I can do it if you don’t want to.”

Jon reached a hand toward the book, running his fingers hesitantly over the scribbled black spider webs illustrating the otherwise plain white cover. He spoke as if he were in a dream. “Yes. I imagine this one would be ok.”

“Light it,” Martin encouraged him, reaching for the hand that held the lighter to pull it closer. “Now.”

It seemed too easy; he was afraid it wouldn’t catch, or that Jon would change his mind, or any number of other things would go wrong—but nothing did. The cardboard cover caught beautifully, the yellow-orange flame spreading elegantly out from the corner in less than a minute, swallowing the book front and back.

“Now let go,” Martin said, as the flame began to spread, and Jon nodded. They dropped it together into the trash bin, and Martin watched as the title words A Guest for Mr. Spider were consumed, slowly, letter by letter. They watched together, transfixed, until the fire burned itself out and all that was left was a smoking pile of ash.

“You shouldn’t have done that for me,” Jon said quietly. “Going through the shelves—taking it out—it could have been dangerous.”

“Yeah, well, you said the web was probably still weak, and—” Martin reached for Jon’s arm. “Anyway, it’s done now.”

“Thank you,” Jon stepped carefully around the trash bin, and then his arms were around Martin’s waist and his face was in his chest. “Thank you.”

[afibrunner]

How It All Began

For more, visit my blog at 1080Park.com . . . 

My story leading up to the catheter ablation procedure went something like this:  

- I was in pretty good physical shape.  I was in my mid-30s.

- One night my heartbeat went crazy. 

- I freaked out a bit, but calmly went to my personal doctor: Google.

- It took me all of 20 minutes to diagnose myself with Atrial Fibrillation (AF).

- I decided to sleep on it, and the next day my symptoms were gone.

- I was living overseas at the time, so I was a bit untrusting of the foreign medical system.

- Despite knowing the risks associated with AF, I stupidly decided to just live with it rather than treat it.

My AF symptoms came and went over the years, often brought on by a few distinct things: Adrenaline or quickly-induced stress, certain types of alcohol, strangely enough, laying back in a very distinct position on the couch, and (I think but not certain on this one) a large intake of sugar like eating a big desert at a restaurant.  My irregular heartbeat did not seem to be triggered by caffeine as far as I could tell.  

If I went into AF at any point, it would automatically go away on its own.  Usually overnight, but almost always within 48 hours.  At first I would have instances of it once a week or so, but over the years it began happening more often. Sometimes every other day.  I continued my misguided approach of ignoring it because I didn’t ever really feel very poorly during the times I was in AF .  I don’t remember ever feeling tired, fatigued, dizzy or short of breath.  Sometimes I wouldn’t know I had it until I put my finger on my wrist to check my heart rate.  If it was steady, I was good to go.  If it was beating randomly, I knew I was in AF.  I could run normally, and although my times weren’t super fast I don’t remember every missing a run or a strength workout because I was in AF. 

I returned to live in the United States about three years after first realizing I had AF.  During a routine annual physical with my primary care physician, he picked up on my AF and freaked out.  I wanted to say, “Yo Doc, simmer down now.  I’ve been living with this for a long time, and it’s not even bad right now.  No need to panic.  But panic he did.  He acted like he found something that was found something that was an immediate threat to my life.  He mentioned a few things I already knew like AF puts someone at an increased risk of stroke, etc.  He ordered an EKG that confirmed what he heard through his stethoscope.  I had AF.  My secret was now out.  He made such a big deal of it that I was too embarrassed to admit I already knew I had it. He had me follow him out of the exam room into his office where he proceeded to make a call to a cardiologist he knew and recommended. Using first names, he called in an obvious favor and got me a same-day visit with this specialist in AF. My PCP bid me farewell in a somewhat dramatic fashion, proud of his accomplishment in finding the AF and saving my life.  (He really is a great PCP, and although I was certain he was overreacting he my have indeed ultimately saved me from a stroke by scaring me and highlighting that AF is something that should be dealt with sooner than later.)    

The new cardiologist was awesome as well.  He looked at the EKG I had taken an hour before and said, “Yep, you’ve got Atrial Fibrillation.”  He was awesome.  He stepped me through what was happening in my heart, and then helped me feel like a bit less of an invalid.  He explained that it isn’t uncommon for long distance runners to develop AF.  He had a very technical reason for why you can be in great  physical shape with a very strong heart, but that extreme endurance training can sometimes trigger AF.  He was very positive and went through the equation cardiologists use to assess the risk of stroke to patients with AF:  CHA₂DS₂-VASc.  (See my resources page for more information on this risk score and how it is used.)  He basically “white boarded” out an equation to assign points to certain conditions.  He explained each risk factor and why they were important. I was under 65 years old, male, no history of congestive heart failure, no hypertension, no history of stroke, no vascular disease history and no diabetes.  Compared to someone with no diagnosis of AF, I was still at an increased risk for stroke, but I was on the lower end of the spectrum for those diagnosed with AF.  He was awesome in that he made me feel good about the fact that I was in great shape and that this definitely made me healthier than most AF patients.  But he stopped just short of making me feel like I had nothing to be concerned about. He thought I would be a perfect candidate for a cardiac catheter ablation, and explained the procedure in very basic terms.  He referred me to another physician who does the ablation procedures, and said he wanted me to get started on the blood thinner Xarelto, and gave me a sample pack of the drug.  In his notes on this visit, the doctor wrote the following: “Patient has asymptomatic atrial fibrillation of unclear duration. His atrial fibrillation is probably related to his high vagal tone as he is a marathon runner and quite athletic. His CHADS VAS score is 0 and aspirin should be sufficient. However, I have explained to him that personally, I prefer Xeralto or Eliquis. Furthermore, I anticipate eventual cardioversion or ablation and therefore, I will start patient on Xeralto 20 mg dally at bedtime.”

I didn’t see that third physician on the same day, but his staff helped me get scheduled for a stress echo to “rule out inducible ischemia or structural heart disease.”  

Approximately two weeks later I reported to the third physician for the stress echo using the “Bruce (Accelerated)” protocol.  (I’m not sure what that is, but I wrote it down.)  I got wired up with a bunch of cables attached to my chest and ran on a treadmill for about 13 minutes.  I wasn’t in AF at the time of the test, so I felt really strong and I think I did well in the stress test.  The doctor commended me for reaching stage 7 of the protocol, but I’m not sure if he was being sincere or just knew I was competitive with running and wanted me to feel better about myself.  From the Doctor’s notes: “Conclusions: 1. Excellent exercise  tolerance. 2. Normal blood pressure and heart rate response to exercise. 3. Negative exercise echo tor Inducible ischemia or arrhythmia.”

So that was it.  I went home feeling like I had killed the test.  From this point on I continued to make bad decisions.  I continued to blow off my new AF diagnosis because 1. I didn’t want to be on medications or blood thinners, and 2. the thought of having surgery on my heart when three weeks earlier I had run a half marathon averaging under 8 minute miles sounded crazy to me.  So I decided to do some research on ablation to figure out if I’d still be able to be a runner after the procedure.

And two weeks later the entire country went on lockdown for COVID-19. 

Most elective procedures were cancelled as we all tried to figure out how we were going to get through the pandemic.  I was ok with that because I felt healthy.  After all, I had been living with AF for a few years already.  I saw no need to panic.  I just continued running . . . 

On many occasions I would begin a run knowing I was in AF, and then the irregular heartbeat would be snapped back to normal at some point during the run.  This happened quite often with tempo runs. I wasn’t overly concerned about it because at first I didn’t recognize a decrease in performance.  Later it became a bit more noticeable, and my Garmin Forerunner 945 had a problem with my AF.  

There is a feature in the Forerunner to help you watch for abnormal heart rates.  You can have the watch alert you if it detects an abnormally high or low heart rate.  I left this feature on.  Every so often, when I was in AF after a run it would trigger the alarm.  Not during the run, mind you.  For some reason it only triggered the alarm after I was cooling down. Maybe it was because the watch knew I was no longer running and was worried that my heart rate was still high when I should be recovering.  Keep in mind my resting heart rate was around 42 bpm at that time.  

I remember being angry following a run when I was in AF because my Garmin 945 got so confused.  My VO₂ Max was 54 according to my Garmin, but after a run wherein my watch got super confused, it dropped my VO₂ Max down two points to a 52.  I was mad!  I had a particularly bad bought of AF and ran through it.  Normally during a tempo run my heart rate would take a while to increase, and then would top out at around 150 when I was running at a perceived exertion rate of about 7 on a scale of 1 to 10.  

During this run my heart rate was through the roof because of the AF.  I might be making this up, but I’m pretty sure my Garmin watch sent me an alert during the run saying, “Did you give your watch to someone who isn’t in very good running condition by any chance?”  (I hit the back key on my watch to blow off the notification.)  

Later while still in AF during that same run:  

Garmin: “Are you in imminent danger or running for your life?”  Me: No. Shut up Garmin, it’s just my AF making you think my HR is way high.

5 minutes later.  Garmin: “Need me to call 911 for you?”  No, damnit, now leave me alone so I can complete this tempo run.  It’s just AF and I’ll have a much lower heart rate the day after tomorrow when I try this again.  

As I mentioned, my Garmin punished me after that run by dropping my VO₂ Max by two points.  I was mad, and that was the point where I decided to have the ablation procedure.  All because my watch downgraded what it assessed as my VO₂ Max following one time I ran during AF.  Crazy right?

Next up: Choosing my surgeon. . . 

[ellaenchanting]

Hypnovember 2019 Master List

Jesus. Jesus Christ, that’s a lot of writing. I don’t really consider myself a writer generally and this is definitely the first time I’ve written this much this quickly. I’m going to look at my word count soon, but- I think I may have written a novel’s length of words? Wow.Thanks to everyone who encouraged me during this or provided support/ideas: thinking of @daja-the-hypnokitten , @liminal-wanderings , @mr-ackerman , @spiralturquoise , @wellgnawed , @sex-obsessed-lesbian , and @hypno-sandwich especially here but there were lots of y’all who reblogged or made kind comments. I appreciate every one of them. :)

Here’s a catch up of everything I’ve written so far this month. In honor of @jukeboxemcsa, I’ve also included a HypnoBS rating where 1 is absolute bullshit and 5 is normal Tuesday night.

Icons- 📰- story. 🔊- audio 💻- technology 😍- romantic 🌈- queer 😴- regular ole’ hypnosis 🛀- brainwashing and/or hypnotist in a tub 👻- spooky 🐈- at least one happy pussy ❓- bad or reeeally questionable consent ✝️- author's weird religious feels that somehow kept coming up

Day 1: Base Character-F/f 📰😍🌈🛀🐈 

Choice quote: ”Or maybe it was the ship of Theseus- Janine seeing how many little pieces of her she could replace until she fundamentally just wasn’t the same person anymore.”

HypnoBS- I haven’t done this kind of play and have no first hand experience. Let’s say 3.

Newly added 11/18: @undersleeper requested some extra information on how the brainwashing was actually done in this story so I added this non-canon sequel. (I think the sequel boosts the BS score to a 4.)

Day 2: Colors- F/nb 📰😴 🌈

Choice quote: “Bri used to consider themselves a bad hypnotic subject.”

HypnoBS- 4. I haven’t done this induction specifically but love doing these kinds of overloads

Day 3: Dizzy- no gender specified🔊😴

Choice quote: “When you take deep breaths, you feel like you’re getting more oxygen, but actually the opposite is true.”

HypnoBS-5. Should get you in trance, we’re not ranking the accuracy of all the science herein.

Day 4: Sing- m/f kinda I guess? 📰👻❓

Choice quote:  “Tonight wasn’t the night to give in, he told himself. Not yet.”

HypnoBS- 1. Thank God.

Day 5: Poison- M/f 📰😍🛀🐈

Choice quote: “Lila could admit it. She was kind of a brat.But Sean? He was worse. He was a fucking troll.“

HypnoBS- 4? Haven’t done it, could probably make something in this realm work with the right person.

Day 6: Summon- F/f 📰😍😴🌈🐈

Choice quote: “Number one, there is no butch street cred. And number two- if there was such a thing, you and I both know that being seduced by a beautiful woman would only increase it.”

HypnoBS- 3 or 4. It’s quick and there would need to be a lot more talking generally. But sure.

Day 7: Underwear- F/f 📰😴🌈

Choice quote: “Under….where”, Destiny tested the word out loud. It sounded like a portmanteau of some sort. She understood the word “under” and the word “where” (or “wear”? “where are” maybe? maybe it was German?) but those two words together didn’t form much of a picture.”

HypnoBS- 5. Although have only done this as a hypnotist so I can’t speak to subject POV. This kind of thing is adorable to watch, though.

Day 8: Neighbor- F/f📰😍🌈 ❓

Choice quote: “When Jiyeon tapped her pencil, Alyssa tapped her pencil lightly to match.”

HypnoBS- 1. Maybe 1.5 since there are no monsters or demons.

Day 9: Idiotic- no gender specified📰😴

Choice quote: “Because Id-iotic. It’s literally what you want deep down”

HypnoBS-4. Not my thing but with the right people- sure.

Day 10: Smell- F/m 📰😴😍🛀🐈

Choice quote: “Belinda had also woken up from sexy dreams at night to the feeling of Ray’s head buried in her cunt.”

HypnoBS- 3 on the details. Some parts are more plausible than others. We’re outside my realm of experience here so others could probably rank more accurately.

Day 11: Broadcast- Hypnovirus/f 📰💻🛀✝️

Choice quote: “It felt important to present herself to the screen in a way that demonstrated her vulnerability and openness to instruction.”

HypnoBS- 4. Probably not likely, but I could see this kind of symbolic bleed with the right person pretty easily.

Day 12: Stage- M/m 📰😍🌈😴

Choice quote: “Brandon had not mentioned the hypnosis thing to Scott- it felt weird and personal and he had already half-convinced himself that he was being creepy in response to Scott’s platonic friendliness. He didn’t want to scare him off. He had never expected to see him here.”

HypnoBS- 5. At least as far as the hypnosis goes

Day 13: Bath- no gender specified 🔊🛀😴

Choice quote: *insert rambling about Pat Collins here*

HypnoBS- 5. But also a high general BS score. I was tired and needed to finish a thing. I am surprised but grateful people liked this one. :P

Day 14: Machine- M/f 📰😴💻😍✝️

Choice quote: “For as long as she could remember, Deidre had longed for self-annhilation.”

HypnoBS- 1. That’s not how brains work.

Day 15: Ooze- there’s a m and a f 📰😴🛀❓

Choice quote: “For example, your badge- did you know that putting all the stickers on the top of your badge like that usually means that you’re a hypnotist?”

Amy’s eyes widened a bit. “It does?”

HypnoBS- 2. Sadly.

Day 16: Wedding- something/f 📰👻❓

Choice quote: “She knew then that she was alone. No one could help her. No one could even see her.”

HypnoBS- 1.

Day 17: Gentle- a different something/f  📰 kinda 🐈❓✝️

Choice quote: “As long as she didn’t focus on it, it would write the story for her.”

HypnoBS- 1. I think. :P

Day 18: Infection- not stated/m 📰 🛀❓

Choice quote: “If he could just get the song out of his head, maybe he’d have a chance.”

HypnoBS- 2. 

Day 19: Hideout- F/f 📰  🐈 😍😴🛀🌈

Choice quote: “’Come to me, pet. Come to me.’ 

Mesmera.

 She could always sense when Galaxy Girl was weak. She consistently picked the perfect time to strike.

And now, she had found her apartment.”

HypnoBS-4.5

Day 20: Watch- no gender specified 🔊 😴

Choice quote: “Feel your thoughts just tick tick tick tick ticking gone”

HypnoBS-5

Day 21: Fighting- F/m 📰 😴

Choice quote: “His mistress loved resistance play. She delighted in watching him struggle and strain against an irresistible impulse.”

HypnoBS-5 Mmmm :)

Day 22: Mistaken- F/an entire hypnocon  📰  😴

Choice quote: “Ginger- submissive, wide-eyed, bottomy Ginger- was holding a crowd of 8 people in her hypnotic thrall. Some had their eyes closed already, while others were staring at her with the rapt look of early trance.“

HypnoBS- 4. But only because I haven't seen it yet. :P

Day 23: Heist- F/m  📰  🛀❓(😍 but it’s pretty messed up)

Choice quote: “The inside of the vault had gotten somewhat sparse-looking- David had been cleaning out the bank out at a much quicker pace recently- but there were still plenty of treasures here to bring to his mistress.”

HypnoBS- 3, maybe 2

Day 24: Business F/f 📰 😴😍🌈

Choice quote: “Summer was a well-mannered southern girl at heart. She knew that if something was none of her business, it was impolite and rude to know it. Best not to think about it too much. She didn’t want to be nosey.”

HypnoBS- 4

Day 25: Babble F/m📰 😴 🛀 (💻 kinda)

Choice quote: “You can feel your access to language lessening….and lessening. Feeling those parts of your brain losing blood, quieting, going to sleep. Imagine what that might look like on the fMRI- the color draining, darkening, going black. Your ability to use language can be almost completely gone.”

HypnoBS- 5 (Neuroscience BS- closer to 3)

Day 26: Enemy M/f 📰 😴😍🐈 

Choice quote: “When she was denied for long periods of time, everything became sexual.”

HypnoBS- 5. Unf.

Day 27: Confidence F/m 📰 😴❓

Choice quote: “Dr Eleanor had been recommended to Richard by his friend Jon who had seen her previously. “She won’t bullshit you,” he had said, “she just gets right to the roots of your issues and helps you solve them.” He must have known what he was talking about- a year after visiting Dr Eleanor, Jon had recently married a wonderful woman. He was also running marathons and succeeding professionally. There were worse people to listen to, Richard thought.”

HypnoBS- 3 (although this kind of gaslighting is real and can be effective)

Day 28: Abduction F/f M/f background m/m 📰 😴😍🌈

Choice quote: “’And so she….’ Lilliana stopped. She stared for a moment in surprise at the space between Cirie’s fingers. Cirie looked like she was holding a small, invisible ball. Liliana tried to recall her train of thought (something about work?) but found herself strangely blank.

She looked at Cirie in astonishment. 

‘You took it!’ she accused.”

HypnoBS- 5

Day 29: Doctor Doctor/Master (from Dr Who) 📰 😴🌈💻

Choice quote: “The doors in the Master’s mind all appeared to be open. The Doctor quickly scanned for malicious intent but-

Oh.

Oh my.

So that’s why.”

HypnoBS- I...uh...1?

Day 30: Kink The author/her self-indulgent whims 📰 🌈

Choice quote: “Ultimately, she really just  liked her friends- and she especially loved hearing all of their stories.”

HypnoBS- Cake. Imma eat a cake.

Thank you all for reading these! I know this is a long post, but I’d really appreciate reblogs of it. If you’ve liked my stories, please consider leaving me a tip on Ko-fi! Also I’d be happy to give extra information on any of the characters or a bit of what happens next if you want to send me an ask about any of these stories. I’m finding myself with a strange craving to write. Funny how that works. :P

[fragmentoftemptation]

The Spiral

Fandom: BNHA/ MHA

Characters: Shouto Todoroki, Dabi

Rating: Explicit (18+)

Artwork: @tweendeck

It was... Dabi. He had Touya's crystal blue eyes, but Shouto could barely recognize the man in front of him. Instead of bright red hair, he had shorter spiked Raven black hair. His entire lower jaw was covered in an intricate tattoo of black roses and vines that went all the way down his neck and disappeared under his shirt, more peaking out in full sleeves on each arm. He had snakebites and a spiked labret on his bottom lip, matching studs on the outside of each eyebrow, two subdermals at the top of sharpcut cheekbones, and more earrings than Shouto could count. He had thick black eyeliner under each eye, and his bottom lip was painted black to blend in with his tattoo. He was wearing a leather jacket and a tight blank tank underneath.

And he was actually there. In front of Shouto. For the first time in four years.

Hurry up and get in here before anyone else sees you," Touya urged, a note of annoyance in his voice. "And close the door."

Shouto nodded, closing the door quickly, and hurrying to sit down across from his brother. Touya fished a joint out of his pocket, a short burst of blue flame from his fingertips lighting it up. He took a deep hit as he looked at Shouto. Finally, he exhaled the smoke, flashing a lazy smile.

"It's good to see you Shouto," he said. "You look good. Almost too good. I expected you to wear something less like sex on legs."

"I wanted to fit in. I didn't want anyone to recognize me." Shouto admitted shyly, a definite blush rising to his cheeks.

"Well you definitely fit in. Guess I should be glad my old clothes are still being used. I would have thought daddy dearest tossed it all."

"He thinks we did. I had it all moved into storage with mom's stuff. I wanted you to have it for once you come back home." Shouto knew how childish it sounded. Four years later, he knew Touya would never come back to the house, but his stuff had been a way for Shouto to hold onto hope since he disappeared.

Touya's smile dropped. He sighed heavily.

"That's not going to happen. Shouto, that's not my life anymore. I belong here."

"But you don't have too Touya, you still-"

"Shhh..." Touya shushed him, standing up and peaking outside the door. "You can't use that name here. It's dangerous."

"It's your name." Shouto insisted.

"No. It's not anymore. Fuck Shouto. I don't know how you recognized me in the forest. But I know you have been googling me and the league and you have to stop. You are going to stir up trouble if you haven't already. This is all I have. And you don't want anything to do with it."

"Come home," Shouto could feel the tears gathering. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He would not cry. "Just come. Endeavor has the news in his pocket. He will help you twist the story, you don't have to work for the league."

"I can't. It's not that simple."

"Why not."

"You wouldn't understand."

"Try me."

"No. It wouldn't make a difference."

"It would to me!" Shouto yelled, standing up and leaning into Touya's face. Four years! Four years alone in that house with that asshole. "You left me with him. After years of promising me that we would leave together. That we wouldn't have to live in that house forever, and then you just left. You owe me an explanation, dammit!" He sat back down, glaring at his brother and trying to steady his breathing.

"You think you know what happened four years ago. You have no idea." Touya replied quietly, staring into a cup on the table.

"I know more than you think."

"Why? Because you checked out the police record?” His brother’s eyes shot up to meet Shouto’s. Shouto was taken back for a moment by how cold and emotionless they looked. He could see now how some of his classmates had described them that way. Touya’s hands were shaking, and he took another hit. “Yeah, I know about your attempts to find me. Shigaraki has kept an eye on anyone looking for me over the years. You're the only one Shouto. You're the only one who cared that Touya Todoroki was gone. And I don't care if you memorized that case file, you would still have no idea what really happened. Every word was a fucking lie."

"Then tell me the truth. Tell me what really happened!"

Dabi got quiet.

“It's not going to change anything."

"Fine. I still deserve to know the truth."

"Do you remember when Endeavor went on a talk show and told the world that you were training to be his successor despite the weak right side you had inherited from Mom?"

"Yes," Shouto remembered it well. After the accident with his mom, Shouto favored his right side. He barely used his fire during training. Endeavor resented it, and pulled that stunt to try and publicly embarrass him about his ice. After that day, Shouto swore he would never use his fire again. He didn’t need that bastard or his quirk to become a hero.

"It was a few days after that. You and he had gotten into an argument during training the night before. He was pissed. The next day was one of my intern days, and Endeavor decided he was going to be my patrol partner. He bitched and moaned and complained about you. Said he was going to find a way to make you use your left side. Whether you wanted to or not. I told him to shut the fuck up.” Dabi laughed, but it was a cold sound. “He didn’t take that very well. Reported me for aggressive behavior. About an hour later, we got called in for a bank robbery. Biggest crime I had gotten to help with since starting my internship. Endeavor was the highest ranked hero on site, so he became the mission lead. He was fighting with some villain in the bank, but they were a smart group. Two of the others split up, one had over a million yen with him, the other had a little girl as a hostage. Endeavor told me to retrieve the money, that another hero was on his way to retrieve the hostage. So I did. But I had only chased him a block when I found myself facing off against four of them. Even with a powerful quirk, I wasn’t enough to stop them. They beat the shit out of me and left with the money. When I got back to the scene, the other hero hadn’t arrived in time. The little girl had been killed.”

Dabi took a minute. His breathing was heavy. Shouto felt bad. It was clear this was a difficult memory for him. But he had to know. If he had any chance of understanding. He had to know what happened. So he waited, and after a moment, Dabi continued.

“Endeavor was pissed that I hadn’t retrieved the money. When we got back to the agency, I was in bad shape. Any other hero would have gone to the infirmary, but Endeavor handed me an icepack and told me to get to work on the paperwork. When I asked him what for, he told me that as my mistake had both cost the little girl her life and failed the primary objective of the mission, that it was my responsibility to complete all the paperwork for the death and the lost yen. My mistake. My fucking mistake.” Dabi took a sip of his drink, and a hit. His left hand was gripping his cup so hard his knuckles were white. “I knew it was no use arguing. There had been no other heroes around to witness his orders. So I took the paperwork. It took me hours, and I was exhausted by the time I got home.

When I got home, I found Endeavor in the training room. He was sitting in a chair smoking a cigar and staring at you. You were laying on the other side of the room, unconscious with your head resting in a puddle of blood. You had split the back of your head open and had some burns on your chest. It was clear you had tried to fight back, and your right arm had been overused. It was raw and bloody, and looked like dad had pushed you way past minor frostbite from quirk overuse. When I asked him what had happened, he shrugged and told me that one day you would use your left side, one way or another. I started to gather you up to take you to the hospital, and he told me to leave you and go to bed. He said you would never learn your lesson if we healed you.”

“And I snapped. The next thing I knew, I was attacking him with my flames. I don’t really know what I expected to accomplish, but I attacked him with everything I had. But the bastard is strong, and I was already in bad shape from the day. He left me with third-degree burns all over my face and arms. He knew he had fucked up right away, and was forced to call the hospital. But to cover up for his abuse, he said I attacked you because I was on drugs. He paid someone off to falsify a drug test saying I had done LSD. Luckily the hospital was able to minimize the damage, though the burns were too severe to completely heal the scars. The doctors recommended one month in the hospital for healing and physical therapy for my face and arms.”

“A week later, Endeavor checked me out of the hospital in the middle of the night, and drove me to the worst part of town. He said he would never abide to have a child who would raise a hand against him. I had lost the right to be called a Todoroki. He told me to leave town. He said if he ever saw me again, he would have mom killed in the hospital. And he would Shouto. He really would have. He had you, that was all he ever needed from her. He left me there, and reported me as a runaway. He cut access to all my accounts, and closed all of my cards. I had nothing but the clothes on my back. It was Shigaraki who helped me. If he hadn’t taken me in, I probably would have died.”

Shouto felt like he had been punched in the stomach. He thought he might be physically sick. His mind warred between the police report and Touya’s chilling memories. He wanted to say something, but he didn’t know where to begin. He knew Endeavor was low, and he knew the pro hero had paid people off to spin a story in his favor before. But even he hadn’t thought his father was capable of sinking so low. Endeavor had nearly killed two of his children that night. He had left Touya for dead.

Touya laughed, another cold and bitter laugh as he raised the joint back up to his lips.

“Do you feel better, Shouto? Will it help you sleep better at night, knowing the truth?”

Shouto looked up at Touya. At Dabi. This wasn’t fair. Endeavor shouldn’t be able to get away with this.

“We can fix it. If we work together, we can go to the newspaper without him knowing. We can set the record straight. You and I could get an apartment, and we could both escape that asshole.” Shouto was reaching for strings, anything. There had to be a way to fix this.

“That sounds real nice, Shouto. But there is no going back. I have done things in these past four years. I didn’t just run away and sit on my fucking thumbs. I am a member of the League of Villains. If you knew the things I have done, you would be disgusted. There is no more Touya Todoroki, Shouto. Dabi is all that is left.”

https://archiveofourown.org/works/21759583/chapters/51915700