#and i probably should get a blood test because that's what that doctor recommended every 6 months

[tardis--dreams]

I can't decide what's more frustrating. Job applications and communication with people there or trying to contact the doctor's office.

[tobeabatman]

fatness and health

Being fat means that people call me unhealthy even though I’ve been to all possible blood tests and I’ve been described as ”healthy” by all the health professionals I’ve met… And there’s no reason they would believe otherwise besides my weight.

And so what if I will become sick in the future? I probably will: my family already has all sorts of conditions that me, and my skinny siblings alike, will most likely develop in the future. You too, will become sick at some point, regardless of how good you think your health is. You might also get into an accident and die any day.

You see, if fatness was as unhealthy as you think, fatphobia would have started as an actual medical concern, and not as eugenicist propaganda. I’m not saying that fatness and certain conditions have no correlation: we know that they do. However, this doesn’t mean that fatness causes those conditions: researchers and doctors have kind of just assumed that it does, and further research is still ongoing.

We also have research stating that ”obesity paradox” exists. And there is research claiming that slightly overweight people (BMI under 30) live even longer than skinny people.

And whether that or any research is true or not, it doesn’t change the fact that fat people don’t need to change their bodies. Heavy smokers can die even 12-13 years earlier than non-smokers, but heavy smokers still do not owe you smoking cessation. We fat people also don’t owe you weight-loss, just because some research states that people with a BMI higher than 30 die about 4-6 years earlier than people with a ”normal” BMI (BMI is not accurate, but it is also what most weight-related research uses).

(…Even just an every-day (non-heavy) smoker can lose 8 years of their lifetime: if you cared about our health and lives so much, then you’d also go harass skinny cigarette users about their health (I’m not advocating for it, but I recognize that there is a clear difference in how much shit we fat people get for our health vs skinny smokers). And for stuff like vapes, we don’t even know what they do to our bodies in a long term, yet! But I digress.)

Whether you think that we are ”glorifying obesity” or whatever, it doesn’t change the fact that we are human. We are not a type of subhumans you can bully or joke about. If we say we deserve respect, you should realize that that is a basic ass human right, and not a reason to whine about ”glorifying obesity”.

Especially if you are a part of another marginalized group, then it’s about time you educate yourself on fat experiences. I for sure want the queer community to accept my body the way it is.

We just don’t owe you weight-loss, we don’t owe you our health history, we shouldn’t have to listen to any bullshit on how we are a burden on society. The point of society is to take care of the people who need care!!

If you ask me, I believe a massive part of why we fat people die faster isn’t our fatness: it’s medical mistreatment, unemployment, homelessness, and poverty, all of which are more prevelent among fat people.

I know of too many fat people who have died because of medical professionals not taking them or their health seriously: my ”obese” grandpa actually died in surgery in which not all safety protocols were followed. This isn’t necessarily proof of medical mistreatment because of fatness, but he was a 70 year old ”obese” man with type 2 diabetes, BED, and sleep apnea. This make him at least an example of a fat person who died not because of his fatness, or other conditions that are correlated with fatness. My other, skinny, grandpa died 7 years earlier than my fat grandpa with diabetes and sleep apnea.

And I know that some troll will likely reblog this as well: someone even reblogged my book recommendation on a book that debunks parts of fatphobia. You guys are literally broken records that dedicate their entire accounts on reblogging fat people’s content as a way to get back at them… Kinda pathetic and useless: you guys think you can say anything more hurtful about my weight than my own literal mom said to me at 9? You’re most likely grown ass adults: go do something else instead of scrolling tags related to fatness and reblogging every single post with the same talking points.

[stonerhog]

Do you ever get blood tests to check your cholesterol and stuff? I'm not kink fishing, im nervous that if mines high I'll be scared into losing weight lol

I have blood tests every three or so months for hormone levels. I had bloods done a couple months ago that indicate my cholesterol is good (not sure how I did it lmao) and everything looks relatively normal! I’ve had high cholesterol in the past and I’ve somehow wrestled it down to normal levels with no weight loss involved.

you should get bloods done regularly. it’s important to know what’s going on with your body!! I know it’s tough but expressing to your doctor “I am not interested in weight loss” is actually a huge game changer. it was one of the first things I told my new doctor after I moved and he’s been pretty chill about it. my old doctor was the same.

your doctor is probably going to be annoying about weight loss because most doctors are, but that doesn’t mean you can’t put your foot down and say you are looking for other solutions to whatever your problems might be. fat people can and do live long and healthy lives.

this is a bit long winded at this point but I really can’t recommend putting your foot down in terms of weight discussion enough. you should know what’s going on with your body and regular health checkups are important. if your doctor’s a little bitch about seeing a fat motherfucker, that’s their own problem. being a fat motherfucker rules

[vegi1]

A Guide to Vegan Foods During Pregnancy

Should I change my vegetarian diet to get pregnant? Is it safe to eat a vegetarian diet during pregnancy? These may be your questions too. In general, a balanced plant-based diet can provide all the nutrients needed for a healthy pregnancy. But never suddenly change your diet to a vegan or vegetarian diet during or very close to pregnancy.

If you are also on a vegan or vegetarian diet, pay special attention to the intake of protein, vitamin B12, calcium, vitamin D, zinc and iron during pregnancy and after giving birth while breastfeeding, because these nutrients are important for your body, cell growth , the development of the fetus's brain and other organs, and the baby's weight gain are vital, and as long as you eat a wide range of healthy plant foods and plan your diet to include key nutrients for a vegetarian expectant mother, you can get all the nutrients you need. Get what you and your baby need, but:

Never suddenly change your diet to a vegan or vegetarian diet during or very close to your pregnancy.

It's best to see a nutritionist to make sure your diet is balanced during pregnancy, especially if you're on a vegan diet.

In some cases, you'll need to rely on fortified foods or supplements to make sure you're getting enough of each nutrient you need.

In the pre-pregnancy examinations or in the first care of the pregnancy period, let your doctor know about your diet.

Along with eating a wide variety of fruits, fresh vegetables and whole grain products, you should make sure you are getting the necessary supplements.

Pregnancy supplements are very important for pregnant women who follow a vegan diet.

Always talk to your doctor, midwife or nutritionist before taking any supplements.

If you are vegan, meaning you don't eat any animal products including animal meat, eggs, dairy and honey, read her mother's article on vegan food during pregnancy. But what foods should a pregnant vegetarian mother eat?

Protein

Protein is made of structures called amino acids, which are essential for cell growth and embryo development. So eat several meals of protein-rich food every day. Good sources of protein include eggs, dairy products, legumes, soy products, nuts, seeds, and nut butters. Suggestions for including these foods in your diet:

Add beans such as red, black or white beans, peas, lentils or tofu to your salad.

Make and eat bean burritos or bean dishes with different recipes.

As a snack, eat a handful of almonds, walnuts, cashews, sunflower seeds, or roasted chickpeas.

Spread on whole grain bread or apple slices, peanut butter or almond butter.

Eat yogurt or cottage cheese as a snack.

Eat the hard-boiled egg slices with a salad or greens.

A vegetarian diet that includes eggs and dairy products can provide high-quality protein, but an exclusively plant-based vegan diet requires more careful planning and a variety of plant-based protein sources should be included in your daily diet.

iron

You will have a blood test early in your pregnancy to check your iron levels. If your blood iron is low, your doctor may recommend that you take an iron supplement. Your pregnancy supplement will probably have some iron, but you should also eat several servings of iron-rich foods each day. Good sources of iron include:

Cerlak with iron-enriched breakfast cereals

Foods made from whole or enriched grains such as bread and pasta

Tofu, Tempeh and other foods with soybean origin

Eat leafy vegetables like spinach and greens

Avoid drinking tea or coffee with your meals as well, as these beverages contain tannins and polyphenols that make it harder for the body to absorb iron from vegetables. Instead, eat something high in vitamin C, as vitamin C helps your body absorb iron. For example, eat homemade orange juice, homemade tomato sauce or various homemade sauces to help your body absorb iron.

You can also puree broccoli, cauliflower, avocado, carrots, spinach, celery, and then mix any two or three of these vegetables that you think taste best together, then add olive oil and spices. Optionally, prepare homemade sauces of your own invention.

zinc or zinc

Zinc in plant foods is not absorbed very well by the body, so you need to have a plan to get zinc in your diet. Good sources of zinc include whole grains, such as whole grain bread, legumes, such as beans and lentils, soy products, vegetables, milk and yogurt.

Try to eat a few servings of zinc-rich foods every day. Many foods that provide iron, such as fortified breakfast cereals, beans, soy-based foods, and whole grains, also contain zinc. Other good sources of zinc for vegetarians include nuts, seeds, and cheese.

Calcium

Eat several servings of calcium-rich foods every day. Good sources of calcium include:

Milk, cheese and yogurt

Almond milk or soy milk, fruit juice and calcium-enriched breakfast cereals

Almonds or sesame seeds

White beans, molasses or blackstrap molasses, chickpeas, calcium-fortified tofu (look for a calcium salt such as calcium chloride or calcium sulfate in the ingredients list to find out if tofu is calcium-fortified.)

[thebibliosphere]

Have you written any type of guide for, 'help, I'm having a mysterious medical issue and don't know where to start to get treated'? My chronic fatigue is to the point that I have to sleep for several hours upon coming home from work before I can do anything else, and I don't really know what to do. Do I just go to the doctor? Start googling? I've dealt with fatigue for a while and have always gotten the old 'you probably need more vitamin D' talk from doctors before.

I did at one point have a post, but I think because I included external links, the Tumblr search engine ate it.

And honestly, yes, you need to go to a doctor, which brings me to ask: are any of those doctors actually testing your vitamin D levels, or are they just assuming? Because if they're assuming, that's dangerous and you need to either push for testing or find a different doctor who takes you seriously. (Easier said than done, I know.)

When you have persistent chronic fatigue, it's good to make it clear to your doctor that this has become a chronic problem and isn't resolving with lifestyle changes. (Hint: if something lasts over 6 months, it's considered chronic. Some doctors will also accept 3 months as a good indicator that something isn't quite right and will start testing.) You may wish to give examples of what you have tried to forestall any "have you tried diet/exercise/mindfulness*" comments.

Regardless, they should run a full CBC blood test with differentials, which will look at things like your white blood cell count, red blood cell count, platelets, any irregularities, etc. They should also look at things like your iron level, folate levels, vitamin D levels, and a myriad of other things, including my good old friend, b12.

Long-term followers are likely sick of me harping on about how not every doctor thinks to run a basic b12 serum test paired with a homocysteine level test because moderate levels of folate can mask a b12 deficiency. But when incompetence almost kills you, it's sort of hard to stop harping on about how something so easy to treat can lead to serious, life-threatening complications**.

Other things you should get checked include your hormone levels and your thyroid. They may also look at your kidneys and liver, just to make sure nothing is amiss there. All of this can be done with blood testing and should be the first port of call for any doctor worth their degree. There are other things they may wish to look at, but those are some basic starting points you can ask for.

If a doctor refuses or says they think testing is unnecessary, tell them you want it noted in your file that they refuse to address your medical concerns and to explain their reasoning. I'd also suggest finding another doctor, but I know that isn't always feasible.

Having an advocate with you (which you are allowed to have!!!!) may also help your case. It's amazing what having another witness in the room can achieve, even if they're just a silent presence. If you decide to bring someone with you, make sure that person knows what capacity they are there as. Some people just want moral support, while others want someone to speak up for them if they notice us being gaslit/freezing up due to past medical trauma.

This is like, incredibly basic because I don't have the energy to write more right now, but I am sure others will have helpful comments in the notes as well for you to consider.

Good luck, and I hope you find answers and better days of rest ahead.

----

*These things can be valuable tools in maintaining health. But they are also not a substitute for competent medical care.

**For reference, my hematologist recommends anyone suffering from depression or low energy do the above test because you can be low in b12, but not technically deficient, which can still affect your mental health and energy.

[noladyme]

La Cuervo - Chapter 21

She is used to the biker-life, having grown into a woman in the familiar embrace of SAMCRO. A bad decision and a gun-shot later, she gets whisked off to Santo Padre, and put under the protection of another club. What is supposed to be a short stint in the Mayan headquarters just north of the border to Mexico, turns into something more; when la quervo begins to develop feelings for el angel - and he seems to return them in kind...

TW: violence, blood, drug use, alcohol, smut, fluff, angst

In the spirit of "The Crown Princess of Charming", this is a story about O.C. Nina and Angel Reyes. It is obviously non-canon, as characters who have passed on, on Mayans M.C., are present in it, and others have been excluded completely. Nina is written as a cis-female, but I have tried to keep her race and looks as ambigous as possible. Should you find any of this story offensive, please let me know.

21.

“The bullet only graced her leg; but the wound was still deep enough for her to need crutches for a little while. Do you know of any pre-existing medical conditions?”. The doctor was explaining Nina’s condition to Angel. Nina was annoyed at how he seemed to think the curtain separating him and Angel from her and the other patients, was a wall; that would keep their conversation private. “She’s got asthma”, Angel replied. He sounded tired and angry. “That shouldn’t come in the way of her recovering fully… Not physically at least”. “What do you mean?”. “She is in chock. What she just went through did a number on her”, the doctor said. “We offered her a sedative, but she wouldn’t let us come near her with the needle. The nurse had to hold her down for me to apply the local anesthetic, to stitch her up; and she refused to let us do any blood tests, before we swore you were just outside”.

Nina shifted in the bed. Her leg was burning with pain, and all she wanted was to be far away from where she was. “You should have let me in there with her!”, Angel growled. He was clearly unhappy with Nina being prodded with needles against her will. “It’s against protocol…”. “Fuck protocol!”, Angel exclaimed. “And what fucking blood tests?”. “Sir; there are other patients here! You need to keep it down…”, the doctor said. “What blood tests?”, Angel demanded. “The woman who shot herself bit her. We’re checking for hepatitis B and C, and rabies…”. “Rabies? She’s not a fucking dog!”, Angel almost roared. “Just let me see her…”.

He opened the curtain, and met Nina’s eyes; trying for a warm smile, and failing miserably. “Hey mami… Have you been giving the doc a hard time?”. He came over to take her hand, and kissed the top of her head; before looking her over. “Why haven’t you cleaned her up?”, he asked the doctor. Nina was wearing a hospital gown, having been wrestled out of her own clothes, for the police to put it into evidence bags. She was still covered in blood-specks everywhere but her stitched and bandaged calf, and the around the bite wound on her arm; which had been covered by a band-aid. The doctor sighed defeatedly. “Look, I have about fifty sick and wounded people to tend to within the next thirty minutes; and my nurses are short staffed”, he said, and edge to his voice. “We have to help those who need us the most; and we can’t spend time washing down a patient who won’t cooperate”.

Nina tightened her hold on Angel’s hand. “I wanna go home”, she whispered. The doctor looked at her, as if startled that she could in fact speak. “Miss Teller, you should stay the…”. “Angel, take me home!”, Nina demanded. Angel nodded at her; letting the furrow between his brows speak for him. He put an arm behind her back, to help her sit, and grabbed her shoes from a bag on the floor.

“Mr. Reyes; Nina needs the care we can provide for her here”, the doctor said. “She’s not staying in this shithole. You wouldn’t even give her a private room”, Angel growled, and helped Nina put on her shoes. He let his hand hover over the bandage on her leg for a second. “We’re out”. “What about after care? Pain medication?”. “I know how to deal with bullet-wounds”, Angel said. The doctor gave him a displeased once over. “I’m sure you do…”, he grunted. He sighed defeatedly. “Ok… But I’m going to need you to sign some discharge papers, Miss Teller; stating you’re leaving against my recommendations”. Angel wrapped the blanket from the bed around Nina, to cover her naked backside. His movements were gentle but brusque. “Leave it by the desk. We’ll handle it”, he said, and put his arm around Nina’s waist. “Let’s go…”. The doctor rushed away to get the paperwork ready, and Angel half supported, half carried Nina out into the hallway.

It looked like the entire charter of Mayans were gathered by the front desk. Nina didn’t have the energy to speak, and focused on not supporting her weight on her pained leg. “How are you, mija?”, Bishop asked. Angel shook his head. “They can’t do shit here… The doc stitched her up, but that’s pretty much it”, he said. “That fucking bitch could have killed her!”. “Don’t…”, Nina croaked. He looked down at her, and his expression softened. “I’m sorry, cuervo”, he muttered, and led her to sit down in a chair. A nurse came over with a clipboard of papers, and pointed at the places Nina needed to sign. With shaking hands, she scribbled some intelligible doodles; and handed the board back. “Come back if you experience any unexpected pain”, the nurse said. “What, from her gun-wound?”, Gilly asked with a raised brow. The nurse scuttered off with a displeased look on her face.

“I’ve got the van outside”, EZ said, and looked at Nina with a worried expression. “But are you sure…?”. “I want to go home…”, Nina said bellow her breath. “Please”. Angel ran a hand through his hair, and shook his head. “The fucking exterminator… We can’t go back to ours until tonight”, he groaned. “The clubhouse is crawling with cops”, Gilly said. “Take her to mine. We got you, niña”, Coco said, and he and Angel got on either side of her; to help her get to her feet. More or less carrying her outside, the two men got her out to the van, and into the middle passenger seat. They flanked her, with Coco behind the wheel, and Angel letting Nina rest against him. She heard the other Mayans start up their bikes behind the van, and they drove away from the hospital. Looking out of the van’s windows, she noticed Hank and Taza drove up alongside them, and Bishop went up to front the caravan. They were in protection mode.

---

The Mayans were gathered on the small porch outside Coco’s house. Nina could hear them muttering and arguing quietly, as she sat holding her mug of steaming instant coffee. “Fuck! What the fuck are we going to do? We don’t have a switch!”, Bishop growled. “Keep it down, Bish’. She’s right inside”, Taza grumbled. “At least she took out our rat”, Riz said. “She didn’t kill her… Camille killed herself”, Taza said. “Fucking bitch…”, Creeper grunted. A muttering of agreements was heard.

Nina took a sip of the coffee, and picked at her broken nail. The pain from it, the bite, and the gun wound on her leg distracted her from the visions she was seeing every time she closed her eyes. She’d killed another person; no matter what Taza said. If she hadn’t twisted Camille’s wrist, and the shot hadn’t hit her head, she would still be alive. And Nina would have been dead.

Letty walked quietly through the living room, shooting Nina a wary look, before opening the screen door. “Angel. I filled the tub”, she muttered. She heard Angel grunt a reply of thanks, before he came inside with Coco at his heels. “I’m gonna clean her up”, Angel muttered, and went over to help Nina up. “Come on, mami”. Coco led Letty down the hall, and muttered something about her going to stay at Gabby’s for the night. He was worried; all the Mayans were worried. With no snitch to hand over to Palo, they most likely had a war on their hands.

Angel supported Nina into the bathroom, set her down on the toilet lid, and closed the door behind them. Almost unable to move herself, Nina let Angel untie the strings of the hospital gown, and pull it off her. Letty had left a bundle of clothes by the sink for her. It looked like a mix of her own and Coco’s; as she probably didn’t know what would fit Nina. Once she was naked, Angel carefully helped Nina into the tub; with her leg hanging over the edge, to not get the bandage wet. He cupped some water in his hand, and began washing her gingerly. For a long while, they didn’t speak; neither of them able to find the words for what had just happened. Nina knew that Angel had probably taken a few lives himself – it came with the territory – but she wasn’t a killer. At least she wasn’t supposed to be.

She closed her eyes, and leaned back in the tub, emerging herself in the water. The water filled her ears, and the world went silent for a few seconds. Closing her eyes, Nina tried to let calm fall over her. The water was warm, and Angel’s soothing strokes down her arms, made her drift into something resembling peacefulness. Her foot knocked over a shampoo bottle, and it fell into the tub with a clanking noise, that sounded like am explosion in Nina’s ears. It all came back again. The gunshot. Camille’s eyes. Gael’s eyes. The red mist of blood and brain matter. Death. It felt like arms were trying to hold her down – drowning her – and she let out a scream under the water; frantically grabbing for anything to get back to the surface.

Angel’s strong arms wrapped around her, and quickly pulled her out of the water; and onto the floor, where she sat shaking in his arms. “I’m sorry… I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to… please…”, she coughed and sobbed. Angel held her tight, and rocked her back and forth. “You’re ok… No one is gonna hurt you". “No, because I killed them… Everything I touch, dies”. “That’s not true…”. “Gael… Daniella… Camille… Jax…”. Her stomach was hurting from the muscles contorting as she sobbed. “You didn’t kill your brother, Nina…”, Angel said, burying his fingers in her hair. “Maybe if I’d done something…”.

With both hands on either side of her head, Angel made Nina look at him. “You didn’t do anything wrong…! You just survived”. He grabbed a towel, and began gently drying her off. After a while, he sighed. “I’m so sorry, querida. This was on us… on me”, he said. Nina met his eyes for a nanosecond, afraid to see her own reflection in them. “No. I killed her…”, she breathed. “I’ve murdered two people”. “No… No, cuervo”, Angel said. “You protected yourself from a monster, and you forced the hand on a crazy bitch, who was about to get herself killed anyway… You did nothing wrong”. “Then why do I feel like I deserve as much as I gave?”, Nina rasped. Angel cupped her face, and made her look at him. “Because you’re too good for this fucked up world”, he said. He put his forehead against hers for a second, before hissing her temple. “Te amo… so fucking much. If she’d taken you away from me…”. He seemed unable to finish the sentence, and simply held her close for a few more moments, before getting to his feet, and pulling the plug in the tub.

“It's time to end this shit. Were going to war with VM”, he grunted. Nina’s heart fell to her stomach, and she tried to stand; but slipped, and fell into Angel’s arms. “Don’t! Palo will kill you!”, Nina exclaimed, tears returning to her eyes. Angel wrapped his arms protectively around her, letting her lean on him. “This isn’t just about you, querida… We…”. “I don’t care! Please, Angel. I can’t lose you…”, Nina sobbed. Someone knocked on the door. “You ok in there?”, Coco asked. “We’re good. Be out in a minute”, Angel replied, before pressing his lips to Nina’s. “We have to finish this”. Unable to respond, Nina simply let him dress her in a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. She was shaking, and tears continuously streamed from her eyes. Angel wiped her cheeks, and pressed a soft kiss to her lips. “Come on”.

With her arm around Angel’s waist, she limped back into the living room. All the chairs in the house had been gathered in there, and the Mayans were seated down on them; making the room a makeshift templo. EZ hovered by the door, keeping his eyes on the street outside. He looked over his shoulder for a second, locking eyes with Nina. His gaze told her he wanted to say something, comfort her somehow, but now wasn’t the time. Angel led Nina back to the couch, to sit next to Coco. She let out a tiny yelp in pain, as her leg brushed against the coffee table, and Coco picked up a joint he’d apparently just rolled, and handed it to her. “For the pain, ma’”, he muttered, and lit it, as she put it to her lips. Taking a deep drag from the blunt, Nina instantly felt the dulling sensation of the marijuana stream through her body. Angel sat down next to her, and took her hand.

“First of all…”, Bishop began. “Nina, I’m sorry. From what I understand, what Camille did to you, didn’t have anything to do with you situation with Palo. We let her into our inner circle, and she… fuck… We let you get hurt”. “That’s not on you…”, Nina muttered. “Yes, it is", Bishop said. “I broke my promise that we’d keep you safe. We owe you". The rest of the Mayans nodded solemnly. “I… ok", Nina said quietly.

The president sat up straight in his seat, and lit a cigarette. “Ok… Let’s start with the good news”, he said. “Our rat is dead”. Nina had to swallow thickly, in spite of the cloud of calm the joint had left in her head. “Bad news is, we don’t have a switch”, Taza said. “And we don’t have anything to hold over Palo’s head”, Hank muttered. Taza looked at Nina. Their conversation about his secret returned to her, and she frowned at him just enough to let him know she still wanted him to keep quiet. “Let me talk to him”, Nina said. “He wants me; maybe I can…”. “No”, Angel said. Nina scowled at him for cutting her off. “I don’t want you getting killed over me! Just let me see him, and I’ll… I don’t know, apologize, or offer him a deal like I did with you”. Angel gave her a hard look. “You’re not going anywhere!”, he growled, and looked around at his brothers. “Even if Nina wasn’t here, Palo’s already fucked us over enough for us to go head-to-head with the Vato’s”, he said. “I agree”, Bishop said with a nod. “Bishop! Don’t do this!”, Nina exclaimed. “She’s got a point…”, Hank muttered. “Listen to the woman, Bishop. War doesn’t have to…”, Riz began. Bishop shook his head. “I’m done kissing Palo’s ass. Nina’s out of the equation from here on out. It’s war”. Angel nodded fervently. “War!”.

Nina took a final deep draw from the blunt. “I guess you don’t need me here, then”, she sneered, and got to her feet. “I’m gonna go sleep for about a hundred years; and if your dumb asses are still alive when I wake up, then yay… But I’m not holding my breath”. Bishop looked angrily at her. “I’m gonna chose to believe that’s the pain and the blunt talking”, he growled. “Shove it up your ass”, Nina sneered. “Coco, do you mind?”. “Letty’s room is down the hall to the right”, Coco muttered. “Follow the smell of hairspray”. Nina wanted to storm dramatically out of the room, but her wounded leg wouldn’t hold her weight, and she stumbled. Angel caught her, but she shrugged him off. Taza got up, and walked over to take her arm. “Come on, kid”, he said quietly, and led her down the short hallway, into the teenager’s room.

Nina sat down on the bed, and went to lean against the headboard. She wiped away a few stray tears. “I’m good. Thanks”, she said. Taza sat down on the edge of the bed. “You’re not… You’ve had too much happen to you to be ok”, he said. “And now, the man you love is walking into what will probably be certain death”. His words broke the fragile strings holding Nina together, and once again, she began sobbing. “I don’t want that… I don’t want any of you to get hurt for me!”. Taza scooted closer, and pulled her into his arms for a moment, before pulling back. “Nina, I love you; but you’re thinking a little too much about yourself at the moment”, he said. “Any one of those men out there would throw themselves in front of a moving car for you; but this war isn’t about your situation with Palo. They want war”. “Why?”, Nina croaked, and wiped her eyes. “Bishop and Angel are right. Palo’s overstepped our boundaries in more ways than one; and he needs to pay”. “So you’re behind this? You want war as well?”, Nina asked. Taza sighed. “No… I’ve seen Palo at his worst before… He’s a nightmare”, he said. “He’s not going to stop until every Mayan in the charter is dead, and then he’ll move on north; try to take out Oakland”. “Is Vatos Malditos really that strong a club?”. “They don’t fear death… And that makes them dangerous”.

They sat for a moment in silence, before Taza spoke again. “We know what needs to happen”. Nina’s eyes widened. “No, Taza; please!”. “I can finish this before it starts”, Taza said. “And I want to”. “What if they…?”. “I’m tired, sweetheart”. The VP squeezed her hand. “Every day I’m not being honest about who I am, I feel like I’m betraying both myself the man I loved”. Nina swallowed thickly. “You want to come out to the club”, she whispered. Taza nodded. “I’m afraid to… but by doing it now, I can avoid the people I love being killed in an unnecessary war. I have to”.

Nina took a deep breath, and then blew it out. The haze of the joint was already wearing off from the seriousness of the situation. “Do you want me to come with you?”, she asked. Taza smiled, and stroked her cheek. “No… This is something I have to do on my own”. He kissed her forehead, and got to his feet. “Whatever happens, just know that I think you’re one of the best things that has ever happened to this club”. Nina tried for a warm smile. “I love you, Taza”, she said. He winked at her, and left the room; closing the door behind him.

She laid back on the bed, letting herself accept the situation. A murmur of voices from the living room broke the silence. On one hand, she was happy she couldn’t clearly hear what was going on; on the other, she wanted to jump out of bed, and run after Taza – if only her leg would have carried her. She heard Taza speaking calmly, before being interrupted by Bishop; his voice a little more gruff. Taza continued speaking, before a group of voices rose. “You’re fucking kidding me!”, she heard Riz exclaim. Taza spoke again, being interrupted by Creeper’s voice. “… keep this from us?”, was all she could hear, before Angel cut him off. “… Nina in on this?”. Taza muttered something more, when Bishop growled. “… done!”. The president’s voice was cold. Taza spoke again, and then the door opened and closed. Nina heard a bike start up, and drive away.

She turned her back to the door, and fell back into tears. She didn’t know how long she cried, but in the end, she fell asleep.

---

When she woke, it was dark outside. The door to the hallway was slightly open, and a set of crutches were leaning against the wall by the bed. Nina sat up, and grabbed the crutches to get to her feet; before hobbling into the hallway, and went towards the living room. Coco was seated on the couch with a dazed expression, probably only partlydue to the blunt he was halfway through. Nina sat down on one of the empty chairs, and he handed her the joint. “How’s the pain?”, he asked. Nina took a huff of the blunt. “Better”, she said, unable to avoid chuckling, as the smoke left her lips again. Coco smiled at her. “Where is everyone?”. “Bish’, Riz and Hank are at the clubhouse; cleaning up after the cops. They brought the boy scout”. “Then I know who’s really doing the clean-up”, Nina said, and rolled her eyes. “Yeah… Angel’s grabbing food, and Gilly and Creeper went to Vicky’s”, Coco said. “Said they needed it”. Nina clenched her jaw, and braced herself. “Taza?”, she croaked. Coco reached for the blunt, and took a huff himself. “He left after he told us… Shit, I never knew”. “Are you going to… What are you going to do to him?”. Taking a last draw from the joint, Coco put it in the ashtray, to let it smolder. “I don’t know… We never had to deal with anything like this before”, he said. “What do you think should happen?”, Nina asked. Coco shrugged. “Taza’s a good VP. He kept a secret, but he hasn’t hurt anyone, or done something against our rules”. “He broke one rule”, Nina muttered. “It’s a fucked-up rule”, Coco grunted. Nina let a smile ghost her lips. “Taza can ride, and he can make decisions… That’s what I care about”.

Angel pulled up outside the house, and came in, carrying a large paper bag. He gave Nina a short smile. “You get some sleep?”, he asked. “Yeah… some”, she said. “I got burgers…”, Angel said, and put down the bag on the coffee table. “I went by the house, and opened the windows; but it still smells like shit in there”. “Letty’s out. Stay the night”, Coco said, and went to get beers from the fridge.

Angel sat down on the couch, and began unpacking the food. Realizing she hadn’t eaten all day, Nina’s stomach made an angry growl of hunger. “Woah…”, Angel said, and looked down at the blunt in the ashtray. “Munchies?”. “A little”, Nina admitted. “Are you ok?”. “Why wouldn’t I be?”, Angel asked. “Just… Everything that happened today, I guess…”, Nina began, before sighing, and shrugging. “What? You mean the part where my girl yelled at me, and then got shot?”, Angel said. “Or the part where I find out she’s been keeping secrets…”. He raised a brow at her, and Nina felt her cheeks burning. “It wasn’t my secret to share”, she muttered. “If you’re gonna fight, do it later”, Coco said, returning with three beers, and handing them out. “I’m hungry”.

They ate in silence, before Coco called it a night, and went to bed; tired as fuck, as he declared. Angel and Nina sat for a few moments more, avoiding each other’s gaze. “I couldn’t tell you…”, Nina finally said. “No, I get it”, Angel sighed. “It’s just… You kept this secret, that could have saved your life. And you didn’t let me help”. “That’s what you’re angry about?”. “I’m not angry, querida… I just wish you’d let me protect you”. “By hurting Taza?”, Nina asked. “I would have had his back!”, Angel said. “I knew that… At least I think I knew”. Nina shook her head defeatedly. “But if the rest of the club decides to punish him, you can’t stop that!”. Angel took the last sip of his beer, and began clearing the table. “We’re not letting that happen”, he muttered. “Who?”, Nina asked. “Me… Coco and Gilly… you”. He gave her a warm smile, and went to throw away the trash.

Nina got to her feet, and with the help of her crutches, she followed him into the kitchen. “How did everyone else take it?”, she asked, leaning against the doorway. “Riz and Creep are pissed Taza didn’t tell the club a secret that could save us from war. Tranq is… Tranq. He doesn’t let anyone know what he feels until he’s sure about it himself. And Bish’… I can’t read the man”. “But you’re behind Taza…”. “Yeah”. He came over, and gave her a short kiss. “Thank you”, Nina said. “For what?”, Angel asked. “For being… you”, she smiled.

Letting Nina support her weight against him, Angel led Nina back into Letty’s bedroom; carrying her crutches for her. She winced a bit, when she accidentally stepped down on her bad leg, and Angel frowned. He closed the door, and helped her get in to bed, before shedding his cut, and climbing in with her. “You gonna sleep in your jeans?”, Nina asked. “If I take them off, you’ll just start getting ideas…”, Angel smirked. “I got shot today, just before being drenched in another woman’s blood… And, we’re lying in a bed under a poster of Zac Effron. I think I can gird my loins”, Nina said with a scowl. “Maybe I can’t”, Angel whispered, and pulled her into his arms. He accidentally bumped against her leg, and Nina let out a small yelp. “Fuck. Are you ok? I’m so sorry!”, Angel exclaimed. “I’m ok…”, Nina whimpered. “Just don’t touch it”. “I’ll get you some drugs tomorrow. The good kind”, Angel promised. Nina chuckled, and pressed a kiss to his lips.

Thinking about the day after, she suddenly frowned. “What’s wrong, cuervo?”, Angel asked. “Tomorrow… What’s gonna happen?”, Nina said. “Clubwide lockdown…”, Angel sighed. “I’m taking you back to the house in the morning, to get your stuff. Coco’s gonna go with us, as an extra gun; but after that it’s back to the clubhouse”. “And then what?”. She felt herself starting to shiver, and Angel gingerly pulled her closer. “We called in backup. Bishop met with Alvarez today; and Oakland is coming down to back us up if needed”. “SAMCRO?”, Nina whispered. “What do you think?”, Angel smiled. “SAMDINO too… Don’t run away with Packer”. She pinched the skin of his arm playfully. “Ow!”. “So you’ll have the numbers… You might not even have to use Taza’s secret”, Nina said; ignoring his exclamation of pain. “We don’t know Palo’s numbers yet… VM has grown since Taza’s day”, Angel said. “We gotta be ready for a fight”.

Nina sighed, and put an arm across Angel’s chest; burrowing against him. “After this morning… I’m so sorry I got so angry…”. “Nah, I had it coming", Angel said. “I said some stupid shit… That could have been the last thing I ever said, before I lost you…”. “I did leave you; I fucked up so bad…”. “We’re past that, querida. I shouldn’t have brought it up…”. Angel brushed his thumb over her cheekbone. “But you were right. I should have found a better way… And now you’re going up against Palo, and you might not make it…”. “Nina…” Nina continued, unable to control her panicked breathing. “I’m gonna lose you! He’s not gonna stop until you’re all…”. “Nina, stop!”, Angel said. Nina felt her lungs beginning to close up, and she took a few heaving breaths. Her anxiety worsened, when she realized she didn’t have her inhaler. Angel dug it out of his own pocket, and pressed the button on the top, before holding it to her lips. Breathing in the powder, Nina felt her breathing return to normal, and Angel put away her inhaler again. “You have to relax, ma'. You’ve been through too much today". Wiping her eyes for her, he kissed her forehead. “I can’t lose you…”, she whispered. Angel looked deep into her eyes. “I’m gonna do whatever I have to, to get back to you”, he said, and kissed the top of her head. “I love you”. “I love you too��.

Tilting her head, Nina sought out Angel’s lips, and breathed him in, in a deep kiss. Angel carefully lifted her knee, to let her leg rest over his. She craved his closeness, needed him near her, more than ever; for fear that it would be the last night she’d get to sleep in his arms. Angel soothingly brushed his fingers up and down her lower arm. “I can’t deal with any more death…”, Nina said. Suddenly, without even knowing it herself, she’d made a decision. “I want to see Palo”. Angel’s eyes widened. “No, Nina. That’s not happening…”, he said, and went back to stroking her arm; though a bit more roughly than was comfortable. Nina pulled herself away from his grasp. “I can’t run away from what I did”, she said. “So, you’re going to let Palo punish you? Kill you?”, Angel asked. “No, I’m… You’re right. I haven’t done anything wrong; I’m not looking to be punished for anything”, Nina said. “But I can’t let anyone else die on my account. Not again”. "It's like we said. This isn't about you anymore". "But if I hadn't been here...", Nina tried. Angel sighed. “Get some sleep”, he said. “But…”. He looked at her intently. “Sleep. You’re in pain and you’re high. You’re not thinking straight. You’ll have a clearer head tomorrow”. He brushed his lips against her cheek, and closed his eyes.

To Angel, the conversation was over. To Nina, nothing was settled; and it took a long time, before exhaustion finally forced her to drift off.

---

[transgalthoughts]

Guide to transitioning on a budget when you’re scared to come out but certain you want to

There are a few components to this: budgeting, getting treatment, coming out, general life stuff

BUDGETING First and centrally is budgeting. I don’t know what your income is so I’m not going to assume, but here is what my expenditure has been and what I think is reasonable as a goal if you do not have uncontrollable overheads you can’t help - additionally you may find some of my spending to be a bit much (£600 a month rent is quite steep, but cos I live in Oxford and the utilities and everything are included in that price it works out as a fairly decent option)

£600 a month shared housing (+ utilities, council tax etc). This is for Oxford, you can probably find it cheaper in most other places.

£200 a month monthly spending - use a budgeting app like Emma (you will probably need to spend more if you need a car, but try and avoid one if you can, cycling is a good transport option. You should do big shops every week or two, NOT regular small ones, you will spend more. If you are really committed to making headway quickly then unfortnately you can’t go out, it will eat up money like nothing else, try and see your friends in person at your house or theirs, you can be honest or say you don’t like the atmosphere. Cook in bulk using cheap ingredients - tinned and frozen food is a huge win. If you really want to cut down on spending make sure to buy vitamin pills and psyllium husk powder - you can eat less healthily without feeling like crap all the time if you’re eating stuff like this. If you want to eat super healthily try frozen mixed vegetables, tinned tomatoes, lentils, tinned fish, and tinned pulses all mixed together in a wok with smoked paprika and salt - it’s quite cheap, imo very tasty, and very healthy. 

Worth noting: over the course of a year your actual monthly spending is likely to be more liek £250 if you budget for £200 a month - you’ll need to replace phones and laptops and make big one off purchases occasionally, but remember the goal is saving, if you can avoid these costs then do (is your phone freezing for 20 seconds every half an hour really grounds for a replacement?) The £250 total spending per month is total spending - if you want to do something fun this should come out of other spending - not your savings 

Medications: inhousepharmacy is a good one - make sure to buy in bulk (this goes for everything). Don’t try and include this in monthly spending, try and include it in the £50 extra a month spending. Here is a good guide for the first purchase Cyproterone acetate - 300 50mg tablets for £202.22 (1 a day) Estrofem - 364 2mg tablets for £148.94 (start on 1 a day, maybe move up to two if you feel you need to and are comfortable) - take these sublingually to increase the effective dose without spending more. So, your overall cost of living per year should be approximately £10,700 - put the rest into premium bonds, you can take it out relatively easily and you’re guaranteed not to lose your money (if the UK government collapses you have bigger problems than your savings being gone).  If you’re earning £20k a year then you should be able to save £9,300 a year.  If you have the time and energy try getting into some work, especially gig economy work on top of your current job/time in university (deliveroo for example). 

GETTING TREATMENT  Before any of the savings stuff, before you are even sure you are trans, talk to your GP about it and say ytou want to be referred to a GIC. It will take 3 years - you will have plenty of time to find yourself within that time, and if you still haven’t you can find yourself in the GIC. DO NOT wait until you are absolutely sure before telling your GP, I know it is scary but you can do it, and it’s almost easier to do it when you’re not sure. If you wait for a year you will fucking hate yourself 2 years later when you have been waiting for treatment for what seems like your entire life at this point - and private GICs are expensive as fuck. 

If you can afford it go to a private GIC - if you want bottom or top surgery with any reputable surgery you will need to have been officially on hormones for a year, self-medding doesn’t count. There are a few options out there for you but most notably are genderGP (more expensive, but there is less expectation of you to prove you are trans, and they have no issue with previous self medding) and gendercare (less expensive but they may decide you are not quite trans enough - they are also less willing to take on patients who have previously self-medded). Additionally a lot of GPs will not work with (ie pay for the prescriptions for you on the recommendation of) any private GIC, but the ones that do are more willing to work with gendercare than genderGP - look into this more before deciding who you want to go with.  Do not underestimate the importance of the type of HRT you are using. Cyproterone acetate and oestrogen pills are fine. GnRH analogues and transdermal oestrogen patches work far more effectively and with fewer side effects (but GnRH analogues in particular are far more expensive). 

COMING OUT  Coming out all at once publically is gonna be really fucking daunting. You are gonna want to identify individuals and talk to them one on one about it first. These should be people you are close with and who you think are gonna be supportive (ideally both, not just one of the other, but prioritise those who you think are gonna be supportive first - you will gain confidence as you do it if you choose the right people, and lose it if you choose the wrong ones). You do not owe honesty to your parents about this. 

Once you have a good selection of people who you know who are supportive start thinking about how you want to play this - in particular how sure and scared you are. I decided to get FFS (facial feminisation surgery) BEFORE coming out publicly - but after 2 years on HRT (this restricts your choice of surgeons btw). I was absolutely certain before I did this and if you plan on doing this you should be too.  I got my surgery with Dr Jesus Baez in Guadalajara (lip lift, closed rhinoplasty, type t osteotomy, hairline advancement, eyebrow raise, forehead bone shaving) and it cost £12,000 for the surgery - but a lot more than that for everything else (so I spent around £16,000 in total - and that was being tight). However, that’s less than 2 years of saving on £20k a year, so get started now.  Voice training - do it, you can do it for free using transvoice on youtube - the main thing to practice if you have a deep, chest resonant voice is simply doing the *pah pah pah* exercise as often as you can (you can do it silently) and before you start talking to people. 

Also GPs can refer you for voice training directly, even if a GP is unwilling to work with a private GIC they might be willing to do with this (since there is no liability associated with referring you to train your voice more effectively). I haven’t done this but I expect there is gonna be a waiting list though. You really can’t voice train too often (though you can too much in one session).  HEALTH So as mentioned in the budgeting section it is very possible to eat healthily on a budget (well, the kind of budget I recommend, please please don’t try and push it too hard because you need to stay healthy for this - doctors, even gender specialists, are pretty unwilling to prescribe for trans health care because this country is transphobic, so you ideally want to be a picture of health before asking for treatment. Eat healthily, run, bulk up those legs and work that core (leg press, side leg raises with resistance band, crunches, squats, sit ups, reverse crunches, side crunches etc) - all of these things will a) improve the results of blood tests and make it easier to get a prescription, b) hopefully give you a body shape more in line with conventional standards for women and c) stimulate production of hgh which will make the estradiol more effective (but don’t even think of taking hgh as a medication without explicitly getting it prescribed by a doctor, it is seriously not worth it and it can fuck up your body a lot making it impossible to get effective treatment).  GOOD LUUUUCK!!!

[knewhealth]

Detection and Prevention is Key with Colorectal Cancer

Detection and Prevention is Key with Colorectal Cancer

📷

Colorectal cancer is a common form of cancer, but fortunately, it can be detected early. As with most health conditions, the early detection of colorectal cancer increases your chances of beating the disease.

Most of us don’t think about colorectal health all that much. In fact, because of its situation, it might feel embarrassing to talk about colorectal issues. But learning about colorectal health and screening tests is essential – in fact, it might just save your life.

The good news is that making some healthy lifestyle changes can reduce your chances of developing colorectal cancer. And, with a few regular tests, it’s possible to detect precancerous cells and early-stage cancer.

Here’s what you need to know about colorectal cancer.

What is colorectal cancer?

Colorectal cancer starts in the lower digestive system, specifically the colon or rectum. The colon is also known as the large intestine. When left untreated, colorectal cancer may spread to other parts of the body.

This form of cancer is surprisingly common: according to The American Cancer Society (ACS), about 1 in 23 men and 1 in 25 women will develop colorectal cancer at some point during their lifetime. The Center for Disease Control (CDC) states that colorectal cancer is the second leading cause of cancer deaths in the US, with the first being lung cancer.

Early detection can increase your likelihood of survival and the good news is that a range of treatments are available.

What are the stages of colorectal cancer?

If you’re diagnosed with colorectal cancer, your doctor will probably use staging to tell you how advanced your cancer is, with stage 0 being the earliest stage and stage 4 being the most advanced.

Here’s what the stages of colorectal cancer refer to:

Stage 0 is when abnormal cells are only found in the inner lining of the colon or rectum.

Stage 1 is when the cancer cells have penetrated the lining. At this point, the cells might be growing into the muscle layer of the colon or rectum.

Stage 2 is when the cancer cells have spread to the colon or rectum walls or to nearby tissues.

Stage 3 is when the cancer has moved to the lymph nodes.

Stage 4 is when the cancer has spread both to the lymph nodes and to other organs.

The earlier you detect colorectal cancer, the better. And treatments are generally more effective if it’s detected early.

Who is most likely to get colorectal cancer?

Anybody can get colorectal cancer, which is why it’s important to keep a look out for the signs and seek medical help if you have any worrying symptoms. However, certain people are more likely to develop colorectal cancer than others.

People are more likely to get colorectal cancer if they:

are over 50 years old

have a family history of colorectal cancer

have a personal history of adenomatous polyps

have type 2 diabetes or inflammatory bowel disorder (IBD)

have genetic syndromes, such as Lynch syndrome

are of African American or Ashkenazi Jewish descent

smoke cigarettes

drink alcohol frequently

have a sedentary lifestyle

consume a lot of red meat or processed meat

While you can’t change your age, family medical history, or genes, there are some steps you can take to reduce your risk of developing cancer.

Can you prevent colorectal cancer?

You can’t always prevent colorectal cancer, and some risk factors – such as your age and genetics – can’t be changed. However, research suggests that certain healthy lifestyle changes can reduce your risk of colorectal cancer.

These changes can include:

eating less red meat and processed meats

eating more plant-based foods

exercising regularly

quitting smoking

reducing the amount of alcohol you drink

reducing your stress levels

getting enough sleep

The above lifestyle changes aren’t just good for preventing colorectal cancer, but for preventing a range of health conditions.

Making a lifestyle change can be difficult, but you don’t have to do it alone. If you’re a Knew Health Member, remember to take advantage of our free Health Coaching services. A Health Coach can help you set wellness goals and design a plan to reach and maintain those goals.

Signs and symptoms of colorectal cancer

Early symptoms of colorectal cancer may include:

constipation and diarrhea

nausea and vomiting

unusually narrow stools

the feeling of not being empty after a bowel movement

rectal bleeding and blood in the stool

black stools

abdominal bloating and pain

pain or pressure in the rectum

a lump in the rectum or abdomen

fatigue

anemia

weight loss

decreased appetite

unintentional weight loss

bowel obstruction or bowel perforation

Many of the above symptoms might be caused by another health condition, which is why many people don’t realize they have colorectal cancer until the symptoms become quite severe. Being aware of these symptoms and seeking medical help could enable you to detect it early.

If you’re experiencing these symptoms, it’s essential to speak to your doctor. Explain when the symptom started and describe it. Be prepared to discuss your medical history and your family’s history, if your doctor isn’t yet aware of it. Discuss whether you should be screened for colorectal cancer.

How do you detect colorectal cancer early?

Although you can’t always prevent colorectal cancer, you can detect it early. Regular screening tests for colorectal cancer will help you detect colorectal cancer as soon as possible.

The screening test will include talking with your doctor about your medical history. Your doctor will perform a physical exam and possibly a rectal exam to check for lumps or polyps (both of which are early symptoms of colorectal cancer).

Precancerous polyps can be removed, thus reducing the chances of you developing full-blown cancer.

Should I get screened for colorectal cancer?

If you’re over the age of 50, groups such as The American College of Physicians and The British Medical Journal recommend regular screenings. The CDC and the American Cancer Society, however, recommends having screenings over the age of 45.

You should also have screenings if:

You or someone you’re closely related to (a parent or sibling) have had colorectal polyps or colorectal cancer

You have a genetic condition that makes you more likely to have colorectal cancer

You have an inflammatory bowel disease such as Crohn’s disease or ulcerative colitis

The American College of Physicians also recommends having a colonoscopy every 10 years. They also recommend having a fecal immunochemical test (FIT) or high sensitivity guaiac-based fecal occult blood test (gFOBT) every two years.

For Knew Health Members, colonoscopies are fully eligible to share through our Medical Cost Sharing Community. We encourage our Members to get screened regularly and share these costs through Knew Health.

How is colorectal cancer treated?

Your cancer treatment plan will be developed by your doctors according to your unique situation. The location of the cancer as well as its stage will affect your treatment plan.

Your treatment plan might include one or more of the following:

chemotherapy

radiation therapy

surgery

radiofrequency ablation (also known as RFA) or cryoablation

other targeted therapies

Certain lifestyle changes, like a change in your diet or quitting cigarettes, might also be wise. Your doctor will advise you on any lifestyle changes you need to make as well as the potential side effects of the above-mentioned treatments.

Cancer treatment can be tough, both mentally and physically, for you and your family. You and your loved ones might benefit from support groups during the treatment period.

More resources on colorectal cancer

If you want to learn more about colorectal cancer, the following resources might be helpful:

The American Cancer Society has a section on colorectal cancer as well as other cancers

The Colorectal Cancer Society has compiled a list of resources for patients

Fight Colorectal Cancer is an organization that focuses on colorectal cancer advocacy

The CDC has a list of colorectal cancer resources

The National Cancer Institute has a range of patient resources on colorectal cancer

If you have colorectal cancer, you might benefit from looking for support groups (either online or in person). Ask your doctor if they can recommend any local support groups.

While colorectal cancer is a common condition, there are many things you can do to prevent it or detect it early. It’s also a condition that can be treated, especially if you detect it early. If you’re concerned about colorectal cancer, talk with your doctor about screening tests.

Resources

The American Cancer Society medical and editorial content team. (2020). Colorectal cancer risk factors. cancer.org/cancer/colon-rectal-cancer/causes-risks-prevention/risk-factors.html

The American Cancer Society Medical and Editorial Content Team. (2019). Key statistics for colorectal cancer. cancer.org/cancer/colon-rectal-cancer/about/key-statistics.html

Colorectal cancer. (n.d.). cancer.org/cancer/colon-rectal-cancer/

Colorectal cancer prevention (PDQ) – patient version. (2019). cancer.gov/types/colorectal/patient/colorectal-prevention-pdq

Colorectal cancer: Screening [Final recommendation statement]. (2016). uspreventiveservicestaskforce.org/uspstf/recommendation/colorectal-cancer-screening

Colorectal cancer: Types of treatment. (2019). cancer.net/cancer-types/colorectal-cancer/types-treatment

Mayo Clinic Staff. (2019). Colon cancer. mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/colon-cancer/symptoms-causes/syc-20353669

Knew Health

Author

For more visit https://knewhealth.com/detection-and-prevention-is-key-with-colorectal-cancer/

[eldritchteaparty]

Chapters: 8/20 Fandom: The Magnus Archives (Podcast) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist Characters: Martin Blackwood, Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist, Tim Stoker (The Magnus Archives), Sasha James, Rosie Zampano, Oliver Banks, Original Elias Bouchard, Peter Lukas, Annabelle Cane Additional Tags: Post-Canon, Fix-It, Post-Canon Fix-It, Scars, Eventual Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, I'll add characters and tags as they come up, Reference to injuries and blood, Character Death In Dream, Nudity (not sexual or graphic), Nightmares, Fighting

Summary: Following the events of MAG 200, Jon and Martin find themselves in a dimension very much like the one they came from--with second chances and more time.

Chapter Summary: Following their misadventure at Hill Top Road, Jon finally takes some time off; Martin remembers something disturbing about the archives’ collection of books.

Chapter 8 of my post-canon fix-it is up! Read at AO3 above or here below.

Tumblr master post with links to previous chapters is here.

***

“Jon, take the pills.”

Jon, wrapped in a blanket and staring out over the railing of the flat’s small balcony, stayed silent.

“Fine, I’ll just wait.” Martin set the vitamin bottles and the glass of water on the sturdiest-looking part of the railing, and shifted the second chair enough so he could sit down.

“You’re going to get cold,” Jon said.

“Yeah, probably.” Martin was dressed in a light jumper with only a t-shirt beneath it. It had been warm enough earlier in the day—the weather was getting nicer—but as the sun started to go down it was cooling off.

“Your choice.” Jon picked up his lighter from the small table between them and lit another cigarette, and they sat together as the sun continued its journey below the horizon. It really was beautiful, Martin thought. He hadn’t taken the opportunity to observe any part of nature in a long time. It hadn’t ever been much of a priority to him, but there was something nice about taking in the colors that spilled across the sky—deep yellows and oranges that gave way to pinks and purples, and eventually a dark glowing blue that was only barely distinguishable from black.

Martin wrapped his arms around himself.

“At least get a coat,” Jon said.

“At least take those pills.”

“God, you’re stubborn.” Jon readjusted in his seat to pull his legs up under the blanket a little more.

“Pot and kettle, Jon.”

“Why should I take them? You heard the doctors, there isn’t anything actually wrong with me. They’re just grasping at straws.”

After an hour or so on the porch at Hill Top Road, Martin had calmed enough to make the decision to go to A&E. Although Jon had protested, the fact was that he had been too weak to do anything about it, and Martin only felt a little bad taking advantage of that. As he’d said then, he couldn’t believe he hadn’t insisted on doing it before; he’d become so used to not being able to get help, that he hadn’t really considered it until then. He wasn’t going to mess around anymore, though, especially now that he realized he might not always be able to help on his own.

After hearing about Jon’s recent fatigue and his fainting episode, the healthcare staff had run a lot of tests. They’d hooked him up to monitors, measured things, done blood draws. Martin had to admit Jon’s description of their conclusions wasn’t far off—they didn’t find anything explicitly wrong with him. There was no diagnosis they felt comfortable giving, although they had pointed out a few possibilities that they should monitor. And they’d recommended the vitamins, of course.

“They did say you have nutritional deficiency—”

“—minor nutritional deficiency—”

“—and your vitamin D levels were actually quite low.” Martin shivered involuntarily in the cool night air.

“God damn it, Martin.” Jon fidgeted with the lighter on the table, but didn’t actually reach for another cigarette. “Will you take the blanket, anyway?”

“Will you take those pills?”

“They won’t help with anything,” Jon protested. “We both know that. This is ridiculous.”

“Speak for yourself,” Martin countered. “I’m not assuming anything about what will help. Beyond that, given how you’ve been eating, they can’t hurt. And finally, yes, I am being ridiculous, and I don’t care.”

“I didn’t say you were being ridiculous.”

“No, I said it. I’ll own it. I am being ridiculous, because I don’t want to lose you, and I’m scared. I don’t want to lose you now any more than I did when we were walking through an apocalypse together, or when you were being kidnapped by actual monsters every week, or when you were taking unannounced holidays in coffins or whatever.” Martin shivered again. “Look, it’s just not that hard to take them, Jon.”

“Well, when you put it that way, I’m behaving like an ass,” Jon sighed.

“Now I didn’t say that,” Martin replied. “I’m not trying to ignore what you’re feeling Jon, and I know there’s not a quick fix for any of it. It’s just that it’s—it’s such a small thing, and if it helps, at least it’s something.”

Jon grumbled.

“And not to bring this up again, but—I mean, it might help if you would just talk to me?”

Jon shook his head. “I can’t. When I try to put it into words, I—it never comes out right. I sound like a—well, a monster.” Jon seemed to shrink back into the blanket even more. “Or maybe I am one, and I can’t face you knowing it.”

“Jon…” Martin hesitated, but decided to finish the thought. “I’ll be honest with you. I’ve asked myself if—if you are.”

Jon turned to him. “And?”

“And I don’t think so,” Martin said simply.

“Why not?”

“To be completely clear, it’s not the most rational reason. I just don’t think I could love you like this if you were. You’re just not bad. You’ve only ever wanted to do the right thing. You’ve only ever wanted to protect people, to protect me, even if—” Martin cleared his throat. “Even if we haven’t always agreed on what that looks like.”

“I see,” Jon said softly, turning to look over the railing again.

“So, if you don’t want to talk, that’s fine.” Martin leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees, blowing warm air into his hands. “But in that case, it’s vitamins and freezing myself.”

“May I ask a favor first?” Jon said, eyeing the glass of water warily.

“Depends on the favor.”

“Will you make me some tea?”

“Of course.” Martin was relieved; that was one thing he imagined he’d always be happy to do. “But you’ll take those pills if I do?”

“Yes,” Jon said. “You’ve made your case.”

He reached down to kiss Jon’s head before he walked back into the kitchen, and noted with comfort that Jon leaned into him as he did.

***

That was Sunday evening. Since they’d returned from A&E, Jon had spent most of the time before that afternoon sleeping. He’d been restless, and Martin had slept on the couch for a few nights to try to let Jon get as much sleep as he could. Of course, he had woken anxiously every few hours needing to check on Jon, so he was more than ready to go to bed after their discussion on the balcony. He ended up turning in before Jon, so he was a little surprised to find him already awake and sitting back against his pillows when he opened his eyes on Monday.

“Hey,” Martin said, moving closer to rest his face against Jon’s hip, throwing an arm over his legs.

“Hey.”

“Did I keep you up?” Martin asked.

“No.”

“What time did you get in bed?”

“I don’t know exactly. Not that long after you. I’m just not that tired. Maybe I finally slept enough.”

“That makes one of us.” One night of sleep hadn’t done Martin as much good as he had hoped.

“I’m sorry.” With his eyes still closed, Martin felt Jon’s hand come to rest on his head, gently rubbing his scalp just above his ear.

“I’m going to have to cut my hair soon.”

“I like it,” Jon said, gently tugging at a few strands. “I mean, I like it shorter, too. I guess I just like your hair.”

“Flatterer.” Martin yawned, then pressed his face into Jon even harder for a moment before rolling back to his side of the bed. “Just so long as you know it’s not getting you out of those pills. Do you want to shower first?”

“Actually, I was thinking I might not go in today.”

“Really?” Martin sat up to look at Jon. “How are you feeling?”

“Better.” He picked at an invisible spot on the quilt. “It’s more that I’d just—I’d like some time to think. If you’re ok with it.”

“Yes, of course I’m ok with it. I’ve been trying to get you to take it easy ever since we got here. We can—” He stopped when he saw the look on Jon’s face and realized what he was actually asking. “Oh, you meant—just you. Yeah, no, of course that’s fine. That’s great.”

“Are you sure? I mean—if you want to stay too—”

“No,” Martin interrupted. “No, it’s really fine. It’s not a problem. I mean, I know I’ve been really irritating with the—”

“That’s not it,” Jon said reassuringly. “It’s really not. I’m—I’m glad you’ve been here for me. It’s just my mind’s been so cluttered, and it finally—I feel like I can gather my thoughts.”

Martin nodded. “I get it. I do.” He did, mostly. “Would it be ok if I called to check on you?”

Jon smiled. “I’m sure I’d worry if you didn’t.”

So Martin went in by himself. He told Tim and Sasha the truth, mostly; Jon had blacked out after therapy, of course, not in an abandoned house in Oxford where there existed a possible gap between dimensions and realities, but the part about going to A&E and Jon staying home to recover was straightforward enough.

“Glad something slowed him down,” Tim said, and Sasha gave him a look. “Well, something was bound to happen, and at least Martin was there. It could have been worse. He was pushing himself too hard.”

“You’re not wrong,” Martin agreed, and Sasha patted him soothingly on the shoulder.

He went in by himself the next day, too. Jon seemed to be doing well enough. They didn’t talk much; Martin was tired and Jon seemed lost in his thoughts. Martin wasn’t sure what Jon was doing most of the day, though it didn’t seem to be much of anything. He was eating—well, drinking the nutrition shakes Martin had picked up for him—and Martin suspected he was sleeping a little, based on how the bed looked when he came home. Jon managed to eat solid food at supper again that second night, and reached protectively for his half-empty plate when Martin assumed he was done.

“Sorry,” Martin said with his hands up in apology, leaning back into the couch. “Does that mean—maybe you’re feeling better?”

“I think so. Starting to.” Jon stretched out his feet to rest them on the bottom ledge of the coffee table. For an instant, Martin already missed the feeling of Jon falling asleep against him—but this was better, he knew. He pushed the mournfulness away.

He went in by himself again on Wednesday. A little after noon, Sasha joined him and Tim in the assistants’ office.

“Want to come to lunch?”

Martin assumed she was asking Tim, but when he didn’t hear an answer, he glanced up to find both of them looking at him.

“Oh—me?” Martin asked.

“Yes,” Tim replied, grabbing his jacket off the back of his chair. “Might be nice to take up some old habits again.”

Martin didn’t have to think for too long to figure out what Tim was referring to; memories from this world came easy now. Not long after his mother had died, they’d started going out for lunch together once a week. It had almost certainly been for his benefit, but no one had ever admitted that to him; instead, they’d all acted like it was a spontaneous idea that for some reason had never occurred to any of them before. Martin had been so grateful for the company that he’d simply accepted it without thinking about it too hard.

“We’ll miss Jon, of course,” Sasha added, “but he can come with us next week.”

“Oh, whatever,” Tim said, elbowing Martin good-naturedly as they left the office together. “This just makes up for those times Jon couldn’t wait and stole Martin out from under us.”

Martin remembered that, too; there had been a few times when, despite their best intentions, he’d been overwhelmed by the thought of lunch with the whole group. Jon had somehow understood and anticipated those days, and had come up with some reason he had to go early, asking Martin if he’d wanted to join. They hadn’t said much when it had been just the two of them, nothing important, but that had sort of been the point, hadn’t it? It was a nice memory, anyway, and Martin was glad he had it now. He wondered if Jon had remembered it yet.

***

Lunch was pleasant enough, if a little bit awkward. Martin hadn’t spent much time with Sasha, at least not compared to how much time he’d spent with Tim, and he could tell she was being careful with him. She was polite, keeping the conversation easy, deliberately avoiding topics that held anything other than surface interest. After he finished eating, he decided to ask her some things he’d been wondering about, and hoped she’d chalk up anything strange about it to him being a little thrown off from last week.

“Sasha,” he asked, setting his fork down, “do you—like being the head archivist?”

“What do you mean?” she asked, leaning toward him slightly over their table.

“Do you like it? Is it a good job? Is it—is it how you thought it would be?”

Sasha crossed her arms in thought. “Well, I’m not really sure how to answer that. I mean, the Magnus Institute has its issues, I suppose. It’s an academic joke, of course, but it’s not like the respect of my peers was ever that important to me.” She laughed at herself. “And some of our benefactors are… well, a bit full of themselves? But I suppose that’s true anywhere. I am quite happy with the job security, and it pays well enough for what it is. Plus I’m actually using my degree, which is more than I can say for most of my classmates.”

“Have you ever—wanted to leave?”

Sasha frowned slightly. “No—no, not really. Why?”

“No reason,” Martin said as casually as he could. He couldn’t exactly say just wondering if you’re trapped here. “Just been doing some thinking, I guess.”

“Well,” Sasha said, “I’ll admit the job’s felt a little bit different lately. Hard to say exactly how… I guess I’ve been struggling a bit with—well, I’m still not sure how to handle the—incidents, I suppose? It doesn’t make any sense, but it feels like I’m responsible for the people who come here to talk to us. Like I should be keeping track of their stories, somehow. I just don’t know what to do with them. Honestly, I’ve just started asking them to write everything down. I feel bad, but I just can’t listen to some of them. I’ll have nightmares.”

“Oh. They’re still coming in, then?”

“Sometimes. Not every day, but enough.”

“I—I didn’t know. Does Jon know?”

“He’s been there for a few, yes.”

Martin took a few sips of water. Jon hadn’t mentioned that specifically, but it probably wasn’t anything.

“What about—what about Elias? He doesn’t seem too fond of the Institute. Why does he stay?”

“You’ll have to ask Tim,” Sasha said, poking at what was left of her salad with her fork again. “They’re best friends.”

Tim laughed. “We are not best friends. However, I do think you should spend a little more time with him outside of work. You’re missing out.”

“I don’t think so.”

“Oh, come on.” Tim poked her arm playfully with the tines of his fork, and she batted him away. “He and Allan are a trip.”

“Exactly,” she replied.

“What I meant was, they’re funny. Especially Elias.” He turned to Martin. “Now the key to understanding him is to recognize that he has money—and also that he hates money, even though he has no idea how to function without it. And people with money, he especially hates. But at some point, I suppose, his father wore him down, and he has now accepted his position in life with as little grace and composure as he can.”

Martin thought back to what little he knew about Elias Bouchard, the actual Elias Bouchard, from his own world. “That… makes sense, actually.”

“And it makes him a pain in the ass when I need something,” Sasha added. “But on the positive side—he does leave me alone to do my job, for the most part.”

Martin remembered Allan’s name too; Martin remembered he had died after finding an old book. “So Allan is—his roommate?”

Tim raised his eyebrows. “That, Martin, is none of our business.”

“What?” Martin was genuinely confused before he realized what Tim was getting at.  “Oh—oh god, no, I didn’t—”

“However,” Tim interrupted him, “if you find out let me know, because I believe Sasha will owe me 10 quid on that day.”

“Doubtful,” Sasha said, grinning over the phone she was now scrolling through. “Very doubtful.”

Martin could feel his face turning red, so he was grateful for the distraction when Sasha leaned forward with her phone.

“Speaking of working at the Magnus Institute—look at this,” she said, attempting to angle the phone so both Martin and Tim could see at once. “I cannot get over how much she’s enjoying her retirement. I never thought she’d leave, but then it was like she was just up and done one day, and she never looked back.”

It took Martin a moment to understand what she was showing them, but it was a picture of Gertrude Robinson—a Facebook picture. He might not have known it was her, if it wasn’t for the name posted above it. The biggest difference was that in every picture he’d ever seen of her, she’d been wearing her hair in the same tightly-pulled grey bun; here, she was wearing her hair down, and it flowed softly past her shoulders. The next most obvious difference was he didn’t think he’d ever seen her smiling in a picture before, and she looked quite happy in this one, drink in hand, next to an equally-cheerful looking older man who had been holding up the phone to snap the photo. The caption read catching up with an old friend.

Sasha pointed at Martin to emphasize his surprised reaction. “See, that’s what I’m saying. I guess you just never know.”

“Who—who’s in the picture with her?” Martin asked.

“Oh right, I forget you never met him in person. That’s Jurgen Leitner.” She shook her head. “I didn’t think she was that fond of him, really. Must be another retirement thing.”

Jurgen Leitner—what was his connection to the Institute here? It’s not like he would have been living in the tunnels, there was just no—

The realization hit him like a ton of bricks. The Leitner Room. In this world, the Magnus Institute was home to every book Jurgen Leitner had ever collected. He had collected them, of course, only his library had never been destroyed because there was nothing to make that happen. When he’d decided to downsize in his later life—when he didn’t feel quite the same sense of pride in them—the archives had been the perfect home for his books. Of course, up until now, it meant nothing except a new collection and a nice endowment for the Institute.

What did it mean now?

“Are you ok?” Sasha asked. “You look—”

“You look like you just got run over,” Tim finished.

“Sorry.” Martin pulled his hand away from his mouth; he hadn’t even realized he had put it there. “I just—I just remembered something. It’s, um…”

“Do you need to get back?” Sasha asked after a moment of silence.

“Yeah,” Martin answered, apologizing with his voice. “Yeah, if you don’t mind. You can stay, if you want—”

“No, I’m done.” Tim took one more drink to empty his glass. “Sasha?”

She shrugged. “I’m ready.”

“Thanks,” Martin said. “I—there’s something I need to take care of for Jon.”

***

After they got back, Martin tried to look busy at his desk, hoping they’d think that he was taking care of whatever it was online. He took the opportunity to review the records in the system, and was comforted to note that nothing in the Leitner group currently had any special notations connected to it. All of the books were, at least in principle, on the shelves, and no one had requested access to any of them. He’d been hoping that was why his attention hadn’t been drawn to any of them previously, and it seemed like he’d lucked out. It was an obscure collection, and there were a lot of restrictions on them at Jurgen Leitner’s request; not just anyone could come in and browse them, and only a very specific set of research purposes qualified for special permission to remove them from the library.

He relaxed a little, and then waited for an opportunity to leave the office without attracting attention. He had to wait a while, but eventually Rosie came in with something for Sasha to review. A moment later Sasha called Tim in to her office, and Martin took the opportunity to leave. He just didn’t see a reason to risk drawing anyone else’s attention to the Leitners, especially since it seemed they were all but forgotten as they were.

He walked out past Rosie’s desk and back into the stacks; the room really was quite out of the way, buried deep in a corner of the shelving units. It wasn’t a large room, and if you weren’t looking for it, it would have been easy to miss. Even the sign above the door, emblazoned with the word Leitner, was barely distinguishable from the metal door frame behind it. The room was kept locked, but as an archival assistant Martin had a copy of the key. He held his breath and turned it.

Walking into the room was anticlimactic; it didn’t feel like much. There was no threatening aura; there was no sense of danger. It felt like nothing more than a small room full of musty old books, like many other small rooms of musty old books Martin had been in before.

He took a quick look at some of the titles on the shelves. At first glance, he didn’t see any he had heard of before, but of course he hadn’t heard of most Leitners. He continued to look, straining his eyes at words written on faded spines, occasionally pulling one gingerly off the shelves to check the front cover; he just needed something to prove to himself he wasn’t overreacting. Finally he found one he knew: a thick, black paperback labeled The Boneturner’s Tale. Martin felt a shiver run down his back as he involuntarily jerked his hand away from it.

He closed the door to the room, locking it behind him, and pulled out his phone. Thankfully, he had service, and he immediately dialed Jon’s number.

“I ate,” Jon said when he picked up.

“No,” Martin said. “Well, yes, I’m glad, but—”

“Martin, are you—what’s going on?”

“I—I don’t know how to tell you this. I’m…” Getting Jon to remember for himself was going to be much easier than explaining it.

“Are you ok?”

“Yes, I—well, all right. At lunch, Sasha showed us a picture of Gertrude Robinson. On Facebook.”

“Oh,” Jon sounded puzzled. “I knew she had retired, but I hadn’t thought to—”

“Well, that’s not it. She was with someone in the picture.”

“Who?”

Martin took a deep breath. “Jurgen Leitner.”

There was a prolonged silence before Jon spoke again. “Oh. God.”

“Yeah.”

“You’re there, aren’t you? Right now.”

“Yes. I’m—I’m not sure what I should do.”

“First, don’t touch anything.”

Martin didn’t respond.

“Ok—don’t touch anything else, then.”

“All right,” Martin said.

“Damn it. I should be there. I should be there with you.”

“No—no, it’s fine. I just—what should I do?”

“I don’t know.”

“Can I—ok, can I destroy them?”

“What do you mean?”

“Like—” Martin swallowed. “Ok, I’m sure this isn’t the best idea, but—what if a fire were to start in here? Or—something?”

“Do not,” Jon commanded. “Martin Blackwood, I have never been more serious in my life, do not do anything of the sort.”

“Ok, ok,” Martin said. “I said it probably wasn’t a great idea—"

“Some of those books would—let’s just say burning them would not have the desired effect. Or wetting them down, or chopping them up, or—”

“All right, all right. I get it. I mean—that’s not surprising, I guess. So what do I do?”

“Did you check the system? Are any checked out, or reserved, or—?”

“No,” Martin answered. “I mean, yes, I checked the system, and they’re all—they’re all here, in theory. No one’s asked for any of them.”

“Ok.” Martin heard the relief he’d felt earlier echoed in Jon’s voice. “That—that’s good.”

They sat in silence for a moment, before Jon spoke again.

“You’re—you’re not going to like this, but—I think you should go. For now.”

“And just leave them all here?”

“Yes. Believe me, I’m just as frustrated as you, but I don’t think there’s another option just yet. They’re relatively protected there, and hopefully they’ll continue to not draw attention.” He paused, and then added softly, “Right now, I just want you out of there.”

Martin sighed. “Right. Ok. Um… I guess… I can at least set up an alert so I get notified if anyone puts in a request?”

“That’s a good idea. And I’ll—I’ll keep thinking. Are you leaving yet?”

“Right after we get off the phone. Just in case. I don’t want to attract attention if someone else is down here.”

“All right. Message me when you’re back at your desk.”

“Sure.” Martin hung up, disappointed there wasn’t more to be done, but Jon was almost certainly right—it would be much too easy to do damage instead of prevent it, if he acted rashly.

Before he left though, he had one more thing he wanted to do.

***

That night, when Martin got home, he found Jon on the small balcony in back again; that was what he’d been hoping for. He grabbed the small metal trash bin out of the toilet in the hallway and stepped outside, closing the door behind him.

“Martin,” Jon said, stamping out a cigarette in the ash tray on the small table as he stood up. “You startled me. You’re a bit early—we can go in.”

“Sorry, didn’t mean to—I should have said something. Actually, I wanted to catch you out here. I brought you something.” He set the bin he’d brought out with him on the balcony, between the two of them.

“It’s a trash bin,” Jon observed.

“Well, that’s only part of it.” He picked up the lighter Jon had left on the table and handed it to him.

“If this is commentary on my smoking habit, I think the ash tray is big enough. Besides, I don’t plan to keep—”

“No—no, that’s not it. I don’t care about the smoking. Well, I don’t love it, but that’s really not it.” Martin sighed. “Look, I know you said not to touch anything in the Leitner Room, but—well, here.”

From behind his back, he brought out a small, square book; he could see Jon didn’t need to read the title to recognize it in the dim evening light.

“Martin,” he whispered. “I—”

“Don’t say anything. Don’t think, don’t open it. Just—take it. Burn it. This one should be fine. I can do it if you don’t want to.”

Jon reached a hand toward the book, running his fingers hesitantly over the scribbled black spider webs illustrating the otherwise plain white cover. He spoke as if he were in a dream. “Yes. I imagine this one would be ok.”

“Light it,” Martin encouraged him, reaching for the hand that held the lighter to pull it closer. “Now.”

It seemed too easy; he was afraid it wouldn’t catch, or that Jon would change his mind, or any number of other things would go wrong—but nothing did. The cardboard cover caught beautifully, the yellow-orange flame spreading elegantly out from the corner in less than a minute, swallowing the book front and back.

“Now let go,” Martin said, as the flame began to spread, and Jon nodded. They dropped it together into the trash bin, and Martin watched as the title words A Guest for Mr. Spider were consumed, slowly, letter by letter. They watched together, transfixed, until the fire burned itself out and all that was left was a smoking pile of ash.

“You shouldn’t have done that for me,” Jon said quietly. “Going through the shelves—taking it out—it could have been dangerous.”

“Yeah, well, you said the web was probably still weak, and—” Martin reached for Jon’s arm. “Anyway, it’s done now.”

“Thank you,” Jon stepped carefully around the trash bin, and then his arms were around Martin’s waist and his face was in his chest. “Thank you.”

[afibrunner]

How It All Began

For more, visit my blog at 1080Park.com . . . 

My story leading up to the catheter ablation procedure went something like this:  

- I was in pretty good physical shape.  I was in my mid-30s.

- One night my heartbeat went crazy. 

- I freaked out a bit, but calmly went to my personal doctor: Google.

- It took me all of 20 minutes to diagnose myself with Atrial Fibrillation (AF).

- I decided to sleep on it, and the next day my symptoms were gone.

- I was living overseas at the time, so I was a bit untrusting of the foreign medical system.

- Despite knowing the risks associated with AF, I stupidly decided to just live with it rather than treat it.

My AF symptoms came and went over the years, often brought on by a few distinct things: Adrenaline or quickly-induced stress, certain types of alcohol, strangely enough, laying back in a very distinct position on the couch, and (I think but not certain on this one) a large intake of sugar like eating a big desert at a restaurant.  My irregular heartbeat did not seem to be triggered by caffeine as far as I could tell.  

If I went into AF at any point, it would automatically go away on its own.  Usually overnight, but almost always within 48 hours.  At first I would have instances of it once a week or so, but over the years it began happening more often. Sometimes every other day.  I continued my misguided approach of ignoring it because I didn’t ever really feel very poorly during the times I was in AF .  I don’t remember ever feeling tired, fatigued, dizzy or short of breath.  Sometimes I wouldn’t know I had it until I put my finger on my wrist to check my heart rate.  If it was steady, I was good to go.  If it was beating randomly, I knew I was in AF.  I could run normally, and although my times weren’t super fast I don’t remember every missing a run or a strength workout because I was in AF. 

I returned to live in the United States about three years after first realizing I had AF.  During a routine annual physical with my primary care physician, he picked up on my AF and freaked out.  I wanted to say, “Yo Doc, simmer down now.  I’ve been living with this for a long time, and it’s not even bad right now.  No need to panic.  But panic he did.  He acted like he found something that was found something that was an immediate threat to my life.  He mentioned a few things I already knew like AF puts someone at an increased risk of stroke, etc.  He ordered an EKG that confirmed what he heard through his stethoscope.  I had AF.  My secret was now out.  He made such a big deal of it that I was too embarrassed to admit I already knew I had it. He had me follow him out of the exam room into his office where he proceeded to make a call to a cardiologist he knew and recommended. Using first names, he called in an obvious favor and got me a same-day visit with this specialist in AF. My PCP bid me farewell in a somewhat dramatic fashion, proud of his accomplishment in finding the AF and saving my life.  (He really is a great PCP, and although I was certain he was overreacting he my have indeed ultimately saved me from a stroke by scaring me and highlighting that AF is something that should be dealt with sooner than later.)    

The new cardiologist was awesome as well.  He looked at the EKG I had taken an hour before and said, “Yep, you’ve got Atrial Fibrillation.”  He was awesome.  He stepped me through what was happening in my heart, and then helped me feel like a bit less of an invalid.  He explained that it isn’t uncommon for long distance runners to develop AF.  He had a very technical reason for why you can be in great  physical shape with a very strong heart, but that extreme endurance training can sometimes trigger AF.  He was very positive and went through the equation cardiologists use to assess the risk of stroke to patients with AF:  CHA₂DS₂-VASc.  (See my resources page for more information on this risk score and how it is used.)  He basically “white boarded” out an equation to assign points to certain conditions.  He explained each risk factor and why they were important. I was under 65 years old, male, no history of congestive heart failure, no hypertension, no history of stroke, no vascular disease history and no diabetes.  Compared to someone with no diagnosis of AF, I was still at an increased risk for stroke, but I was on the lower end of the spectrum for those diagnosed with AF.  He was awesome in that he made me feel good about the fact that I was in great shape and that this definitely made me healthier than most AF patients.  But he stopped just short of making me feel like I had nothing to be concerned about. He thought I would be a perfect candidate for a cardiac catheter ablation, and explained the procedure in very basic terms.  He referred me to another physician who does the ablation procedures, and said he wanted me to get started on the blood thinner Xarelto, and gave me a sample pack of the drug.  In his notes on this visit, the doctor wrote the following: “Patient has asymptomatic atrial fibrillation of unclear duration. His atrial fibrillation is probably related to his high vagal tone as he is a marathon runner and quite athletic. His CHADS VAS score is 0 and aspirin should be sufficient. However, I have explained to him that personally, I prefer Xeralto or Eliquis. Furthermore, I anticipate eventual cardioversion or ablation and therefore, I will start patient on Xeralto 20 mg dally at bedtime.”

I didn’t see that third physician on the same day, but his staff helped me get scheduled for a stress echo to “rule out inducible ischemia or structural heart disease.”  

Approximately two weeks later I reported to the third physician for the stress echo using the “Bruce (Accelerated)” protocol.  (I’m not sure what that is, but I wrote it down.)  I got wired up with a bunch of cables attached to my chest and ran on a treadmill for about 13 minutes.  I wasn’t in AF at the time of the test, so I felt really strong and I think I did well in the stress test.  The doctor commended me for reaching stage 7 of the protocol, but I’m not sure if he was being sincere or just knew I was competitive with running and wanted me to feel better about myself.  From the Doctor’s notes: “Conclusions: 1. Excellent exercise  tolerance. 2. Normal blood pressure and heart rate response to exercise. 3. Negative exercise echo tor Inducible ischemia or arrhythmia.”

So that was it.  I went home feeling like I had killed the test.  From this point on I continued to make bad decisions.  I continued to blow off my new AF diagnosis because 1. I didn’t want to be on medications or blood thinners, and 2. the thought of having surgery on my heart when three weeks earlier I had run a half marathon averaging under 8 minute miles sounded crazy to me.  So I decided to do some research on ablation to figure out if I’d still be able to be a runner after the procedure.

And two weeks later the entire country went on lockdown for COVID-19. 

Most elective procedures were cancelled as we all tried to figure out how we were going to get through the pandemic.  I was ok with that because I felt healthy.  After all, I had been living with AF for a few years already.  I saw no need to panic.  I just continued running . . . 

On many occasions I would begin a run knowing I was in AF, and then the irregular heartbeat would be snapped back to normal at some point during the run.  This happened quite often with tempo runs. I wasn’t overly concerned about it because at first I didn’t recognize a decrease in performance.  Later it became a bit more noticeable, and my Garmin Forerunner 945 had a problem with my AF.  

There is a feature in the Forerunner to help you watch for abnormal heart rates.  You can have the watch alert you if it detects an abnormally high or low heart rate.  I left this feature on.  Every so often, when I was in AF after a run it would trigger the alarm.  Not during the run, mind you.  For some reason it only triggered the alarm after I was cooling down. Maybe it was because the watch knew I was no longer running and was worried that my heart rate was still high when I should be recovering.  Keep in mind my resting heart rate was around 42 bpm at that time.  

I remember being angry following a run when I was in AF because my Garmin 945 got so confused.  My VO₂ Max was 54 according to my Garmin, but after a run wherein my watch got super confused, it dropped my VO₂ Max down two points to a 52.  I was mad!  I had a particularly bad bought of AF and ran through it.  Normally during a tempo run my heart rate would take a while to increase, and then would top out at around 150 when I was running at a perceived exertion rate of about 7 on a scale of 1 to 10.  

During this run my heart rate was through the roof because of the AF.  I might be making this up, but I’m pretty sure my Garmin watch sent me an alert during the run saying, “Did you give your watch to someone who isn’t in very good running condition by any chance?”  (I hit the back key on my watch to blow off the notification.)  

Later while still in AF during that same run:  

Garmin: “Are you in imminent danger or running for your life?”  Me: No. Shut up Garmin, it’s just my AF making you think my HR is way high.

5 minutes later.  Garmin: “Need me to call 911 for you?”  No, damnit, now leave me alone so I can complete this tempo run.  It’s just AF and I’ll have a much lower heart rate the day after tomorrow when I try this again.  

As I mentioned, my Garmin punished me after that run by dropping my VO₂ Max by two points.  I was mad, and that was the point where I decided to have the ablation procedure.  All because my watch downgraded what it assessed as my VO₂ Max following one time I ran during AF.  Crazy right?

Next up: Choosing my surgeon. . . 

[ellaenchanting]

Hypnovember 2019 Master List

Jesus. Jesus Christ, that’s a lot of writing. I don’t really consider myself a writer generally and this is definitely the first time I’ve written this much this quickly. I’m going to look at my word count soon, but- I think I may have written a novel’s length of words? Wow.Thanks to everyone who encouraged me during this or provided support/ideas: thinking of @daja-the-hypnokitten , @liminal-wanderings , @mr-ackerman , @spiralturquoise , @wellgnawed , @sex-obsessed-lesbian , and @hypno-sandwich especially here but there were lots of y’all who reblogged or made kind comments. I appreciate every one of them. :)

Here’s a catch up of everything I’ve written so far this month. In honor of @jukeboxemcsa, I’ve also included a HypnoBS rating where 1 is absolute bullshit and 5 is normal Tuesday night.

Icons- 📰- story. 🔊- audio 💻- technology 😍- romantic 🌈- queer 😴- regular ole’ hypnosis 🛀- brainwashing and/or hypnotist in a tub 👻- spooky 🐈- at least one happy pussy ❓- bad or reeeally questionable consent ✝️- author's weird religious feels that somehow kept coming up

Day 1: Base Character-F/f 📰😍🌈🛀🐈 

Choice quote: ”Or maybe it was the ship of Theseus- Janine seeing how many little pieces of her she could replace until she fundamentally just wasn’t the same person anymore.”

HypnoBS- I haven’t done this kind of play and have no first hand experience. Let’s say 3.

Newly added 11/18: @undersleeper requested some extra information on how the brainwashing was actually done in this story so I added this non-canon sequel. (I think the sequel boosts the BS score to a 4.)

Day 2: Colors- F/nb 📰😴 🌈

Choice quote: “Bri used to consider themselves a bad hypnotic subject.”

HypnoBS- 4. I haven’t done this induction specifically but love doing these kinds of overloads

Day 3: Dizzy- no gender specified🔊😴

Choice quote: “When you take deep breaths, you feel like you’re getting more oxygen, but actually the opposite is true.”

HypnoBS-5. Should get you in trance, we’re not ranking the accuracy of all the science herein.

Day 4: Sing- m/f kinda I guess? 📰👻❓

Choice quote:  “Tonight wasn’t the night to give in, he told himself. Not yet.”

HypnoBS- 1. Thank God.

Day 5: Poison- M/f 📰😍🛀🐈

Choice quote: “Lila could admit it. She was kind of a brat.But Sean? He was worse. He was a fucking troll.“

HypnoBS- 4? Haven’t done it, could probably make something in this realm work with the right person.

Day 6: Summon- F/f 📰😍😴🌈🐈

Choice quote: “Number one, there is no butch street cred. And number two- if there was such a thing, you and I both know that being seduced by a beautiful woman would only increase it.”

HypnoBS- 3 or 4. It’s quick and there would need to be a lot more talking generally. But sure.

Day 7: Underwear- F/f 📰😴🌈

Choice quote: “Under….where”, Destiny tested the word out loud. It sounded like a portmanteau of some sort. She understood the word “under” and the word “where” (or “wear”? “where are” maybe? maybe it was German?) but those two words together didn’t form much of a picture.”

HypnoBS- 5. Although have only done this as a hypnotist so I can’t speak to subject POV. This kind of thing is adorable to watch, though.

Day 8: Neighbor- F/f📰😍🌈 ❓

Choice quote: “When Jiyeon tapped her pencil, Alyssa tapped her pencil lightly to match.”

HypnoBS- 1. Maybe 1.5 since there are no monsters or demons.

Day 9: Idiotic- no gender specified📰😴

Choice quote: “Because Id-iotic. It’s literally what you want deep down”

HypnoBS-4. Not my thing but with the right people- sure.

Day 10: Smell- F/m 📰😴😍🛀🐈

Choice quote: “Belinda had also woken up from sexy dreams at night to the feeling of Ray’s head buried in her cunt.”

HypnoBS- 3 on the details. Some parts are more plausible than others. We’re outside my realm of experience here so others could probably rank more accurately.

Day 11: Broadcast- Hypnovirus/f 📰💻🛀✝️

Choice quote: “It felt important to present herself to the screen in a way that demonstrated her vulnerability and openness to instruction.”

HypnoBS- 4. Probably not likely, but I could see this kind of symbolic bleed with the right person pretty easily.

Day 12: Stage- M/m 📰😍🌈😴

Choice quote: “Brandon had not mentioned the hypnosis thing to Scott- it felt weird and personal and he had already half-convinced himself that he was being creepy in response to Scott’s platonic friendliness. He didn’t want to scare him off. He had never expected to see him here.”

HypnoBS- 5. At least as far as the hypnosis goes

Day 13: Bath- no gender specified 🔊🛀😴

Choice quote: *insert rambling about Pat Collins here*

HypnoBS- 5. But also a high general BS score. I was tired and needed to finish a thing. I am surprised but grateful people liked this one. :P

Day 14: Machine- M/f 📰😴💻😍✝️

Choice quote: “For as long as she could remember, Deidre had longed for self-annhilation.”

HypnoBS- 1. That’s not how brains work.

Day 15: Ooze- there’s a m and a f 📰😴🛀❓

Choice quote: “For example, your badge- did you know that putting all the stickers on the top of your badge like that usually means that you’re a hypnotist?”

Amy’s eyes widened a bit. “It does?”

HypnoBS- 2. Sadly.

Day 16: Wedding- something/f 📰👻❓

Choice quote: “She knew then that she was alone. No one could help her. No one could even see her.”

HypnoBS- 1.

Day 17: Gentle- a different something/f  📰 kinda 🐈❓✝️

Choice quote: “As long as she didn’t focus on it, it would write the story for her.”

HypnoBS- 1. I think. :P

Day 18: Infection- not stated/m 📰 🛀❓

Choice quote: “If he could just get the song out of his head, maybe he’d have a chance.”

HypnoBS- 2. 

Day 19: Hideout- F/f 📰  🐈 😍😴🛀🌈

Choice quote: “’Come to me, pet. Come to me.’ 

Mesmera.

 She could always sense when Galaxy Girl was weak. She consistently picked the perfect time to strike.

And now, she had found her apartment.”

HypnoBS-4.5

Day 20: Watch- no gender specified 🔊 😴

Choice quote: “Feel your thoughts just tick tick tick tick ticking gone”

HypnoBS-5

Day 21: Fighting- F/m 📰 😴

Choice quote: “His mistress loved resistance play. She delighted in watching him struggle and strain against an irresistible impulse.”

HypnoBS-5 Mmmm :)

Day 22: Mistaken- F/an entire hypnocon  📰  😴

Choice quote: “Ginger- submissive, wide-eyed, bottomy Ginger- was holding a crowd of 8 people in her hypnotic thrall. Some had their eyes closed already, while others were staring at her with the rapt look of early trance.“

HypnoBS- 4. But only because I haven't seen it yet. :P

Day 23: Heist- F/m  📰  🛀❓(😍 but it’s pretty messed up)

Choice quote: “The inside of the vault had gotten somewhat sparse-looking- David had been cleaning out the bank out at a much quicker pace recently- but there were still plenty of treasures here to bring to his mistress.”

HypnoBS- 3, maybe 2

Day 24: Business F/f 📰 😴😍🌈

Choice quote: “Summer was a well-mannered southern girl at heart. She knew that if something was none of her business, it was impolite and rude to know it. Best not to think about it too much. She didn’t want to be nosey.”

HypnoBS- 4

Day 25: Babble F/m📰 😴 🛀 (💻 kinda)

Choice quote: “You can feel your access to language lessening….and lessening. Feeling those parts of your brain losing blood, quieting, going to sleep. Imagine what that might look like on the fMRI- the color draining, darkening, going black. Your ability to use language can be almost completely gone.”

HypnoBS- 5 (Neuroscience BS- closer to 3)

Day 26: Enemy M/f 📰 😴😍🐈 

Choice quote: “When she was denied for long periods of time, everything became sexual.”

HypnoBS- 5. Unf.

Day 27: Confidence F/m 📰 😴❓

Choice quote: “Dr Eleanor had been recommended to Richard by his friend Jon who had seen her previously. “She won’t bullshit you,” he had said, “she just gets right to the roots of your issues and helps you solve them.” He must have known what he was talking about- a year after visiting Dr Eleanor, Jon had recently married a wonderful woman. He was also running marathons and succeeding professionally. There were worse people to listen to, Richard thought.”

HypnoBS- 3 (although this kind of gaslighting is real and can be effective)

Day 28: Abduction F/f M/f background m/m 📰 😴😍🌈

Choice quote: “’And so she….’ Lilliana stopped. She stared for a moment in surprise at the space between Cirie’s fingers. Cirie looked like she was holding a small, invisible ball. Liliana tried to recall her train of thought (something about work?) but found herself strangely blank.

She looked at Cirie in astonishment. 

‘You took it!’ she accused.”

HypnoBS- 5

Day 29: Doctor Doctor/Master (from Dr Who) 📰 😴🌈💻

Choice quote: “The doors in the Master’s mind all appeared to be open. The Doctor quickly scanned for malicious intent but-

Oh.

Oh my.

So that’s why.”

HypnoBS- I...uh...1?

Day 30: Kink The author/her self-indulgent whims 📰 🌈

Choice quote: “Ultimately, she really just  liked her friends- and she especially loved hearing all of their stories.”

HypnoBS- Cake. Imma eat a cake.

Thank you all for reading these! I know this is a long post, but I’d really appreciate reblogs of it. If you’ve liked my stories, please consider leaving me a tip on Ko-fi! Also I’d be happy to give extra information on any of the characters or a bit of what happens next if you want to send me an ask about any of these stories. I’m finding myself with a strange craving to write. Funny how that works. :P

[fragmentoftemptation]

The Spiral

Fandom: BNHA/ MHA

Characters: Shouto Todoroki, Dabi

Rating: Explicit (18+)

Artwork: @tweendeck

It was... Dabi. He had Touya's crystal blue eyes, but Shouto could barely recognize the man in front of him. Instead of bright red hair, he had shorter spiked Raven black hair. His entire lower jaw was covered in an intricate tattoo of black roses and vines that went all the way down his neck and disappeared under his shirt, more peaking out in full sleeves on each arm. He had snakebites and a spiked labret on his bottom lip, matching studs on the outside of each eyebrow, two subdermals at the top of sharpcut cheekbones, and more earrings than Shouto could count. He had thick black eyeliner under each eye, and his bottom lip was painted black to blend in with his tattoo. He was wearing a leather jacket and a tight blank tank underneath.

And he was actually there. In front of Shouto. For the first time in four years.

Hurry up and get in here before anyone else sees you," Touya urged, a note of annoyance in his voice. "And close the door."

Shouto nodded, closing the door quickly, and hurrying to sit down across from his brother. Touya fished a joint out of his pocket, a short burst of blue flame from his fingertips lighting it up. He took a deep hit as he looked at Shouto. Finally, he exhaled the smoke, flashing a lazy smile.

"It's good to see you Shouto," he said. "You look good. Almost too good. I expected you to wear something less like sex on legs."

"I wanted to fit in. I didn't want anyone to recognize me." Shouto admitted shyly, a definite blush rising to his cheeks.

"Well you definitely fit in. Guess I should be glad my old clothes are still being used. I would have thought daddy dearest tossed it all."

"He thinks we did. I had it all moved into storage with mom's stuff. I wanted you to have it for once you come back home." Shouto knew how childish it sounded. Four years later, he knew Touya would never come back to the house, but his stuff had been a way for Shouto to hold onto hope since he disappeared.

Touya's smile dropped. He sighed heavily.

"That's not going to happen. Shouto, that's not my life anymore. I belong here."

"But you don't have too Touya, you still-"

"Shhh..." Touya shushed him, standing up and peaking outside the door. "You can't use that name here. It's dangerous."

"It's your name." Shouto insisted.

"No. It's not anymore. Fuck Shouto. I don't know how you recognized me in the forest. But I know you have been googling me and the league and you have to stop. You are going to stir up trouble if you haven't already. This is all I have. And you don't want anything to do with it."

"Come home," Shouto could feel the tears gathering. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He would not cry. "Just come. Endeavor has the news in his pocket. He will help you twist the story, you don't have to work for the league."

"I can't. It's not that simple."

"Why not."

"You wouldn't understand."

"Try me."

"No. It wouldn't make a difference."

"It would to me!" Shouto yelled, standing up and leaning into Touya's face. Four years! Four years alone in that house with that asshole. "You left me with him. After years of promising me that we would leave together. That we wouldn't have to live in that house forever, and then you just left. You owe me an explanation, dammit!" He sat back down, glaring at his brother and trying to steady his breathing.

"You think you know what happened four years ago. You have no idea." Touya replied quietly, staring into a cup on the table.

"I know more than you think."

"Why? Because you checked out the police record?” His brother’s eyes shot up to meet Shouto’s. Shouto was taken back for a moment by how cold and emotionless they looked. He could see now how some of his classmates had described them that way. Touya’s hands were shaking, and he took another hit. “Yeah, I know about your attempts to find me. Shigaraki has kept an eye on anyone looking for me over the years. You're the only one Shouto. You're the only one who cared that Touya Todoroki was gone. And I don't care if you memorized that case file, you would still have no idea what really happened. Every word was a fucking lie."

"Then tell me the truth. Tell me what really happened!"

Dabi got quiet.

“It's not going to change anything."

"Fine. I still deserve to know the truth."

"Do you remember when Endeavor went on a talk show and told the world that you were training to be his successor despite the weak right side you had inherited from Mom?"

"Yes," Shouto remembered it well. After the accident with his mom, Shouto favored his right side. He barely used his fire during training. Endeavor resented it, and pulled that stunt to try and publicly embarrass him about his ice. After that day, Shouto swore he would never use his fire again. He didn’t need that bastard or his quirk to become a hero.

"It was a few days after that. You and he had gotten into an argument during training the night before. He was pissed. The next day was one of my intern days, and Endeavor decided he was going to be my patrol partner. He bitched and moaned and complained about you. Said he was going to find a way to make you use your left side. Whether you wanted to or not. I told him to shut the fuck up.” Dabi laughed, but it was a cold sound. “He didn’t take that very well. Reported me for aggressive behavior. About an hour later, we got called in for a bank robbery. Biggest crime I had gotten to help with since starting my internship. Endeavor was the highest ranked hero on site, so he became the mission lead. He was fighting with some villain in the bank, but they were a smart group. Two of the others split up, one had over a million yen with him, the other had a little girl as a hostage. Endeavor told me to retrieve the money, that another hero was on his way to retrieve the hostage. So I did. But I had only chased him a block when I found myself facing off against four of them. Even with a powerful quirk, I wasn’t enough to stop them. They beat the shit out of me and left with the money. When I got back to the scene, the other hero hadn’t arrived in time. The little girl had been killed.”

Dabi took a minute. His breathing was heavy. Shouto felt bad. It was clear this was a difficult memory for him. But he had to know. If he had any chance of understanding. He had to know what happened. So he waited, and after a moment, Dabi continued.

“Endeavor was pissed that I hadn’t retrieved the money. When we got back to the agency, I was in bad shape. Any other hero would have gone to the infirmary, but Endeavor handed me an icepack and told me to get to work on the paperwork. When I asked him what for, he told me that as my mistake had both cost the little girl her life and failed the primary objective of the mission, that it was my responsibility to complete all the paperwork for the death and the lost yen. My mistake. My fucking mistake.” Dabi took a sip of his drink, and a hit. His left hand was gripping his cup so hard his knuckles were white. “I knew it was no use arguing. There had been no other heroes around to witness his orders. So I took the paperwork. It took me hours, and I was exhausted by the time I got home.

When I got home, I found Endeavor in the training room. He was sitting in a chair smoking a cigar and staring at you. You were laying on the other side of the room, unconscious with your head resting in a puddle of blood. You had split the back of your head open and had some burns on your chest. It was clear you had tried to fight back, and your right arm had been overused. It was raw and bloody, and looked like dad had pushed you way past minor frostbite from quirk overuse. When I asked him what had happened, he shrugged and told me that one day you would use your left side, one way or another. I started to gather you up to take you to the hospital, and he told me to leave you and go to bed. He said you would never learn your lesson if we healed you.”

“And I snapped. The next thing I knew, I was attacking him with my flames. I don’t really know what I expected to accomplish, but I attacked him with everything I had. But the bastard is strong, and I was already in bad shape from the day. He left me with third-degree burns all over my face and arms. He knew he had fucked up right away, and was forced to call the hospital. But to cover up for his abuse, he said I attacked you because I was on drugs. He paid someone off to falsify a drug test saying I had done LSD. Luckily the hospital was able to minimize the damage, though the burns were too severe to completely heal the scars. The doctors recommended one month in the hospital for healing and physical therapy for my face and arms.”

“A week later, Endeavor checked me out of the hospital in the middle of the night, and drove me to the worst part of town. He said he would never abide to have a child who would raise a hand against him. I had lost the right to be called a Todoroki. He told me to leave town. He said if he ever saw me again, he would have mom killed in the hospital. And he would Shouto. He really would have. He had you, that was all he ever needed from her. He left me there, and reported me as a runaway. He cut access to all my accounts, and closed all of my cards. I had nothing but the clothes on my back. It was Shigaraki who helped me. If he hadn’t taken me in, I probably would have died.”

Shouto felt like he had been punched in the stomach. He thought he might be physically sick. His mind warred between the police report and Touya’s chilling memories. He wanted to say something, but he didn’t know where to begin. He knew Endeavor was low, and he knew the pro hero had paid people off to spin a story in his favor before. But even he hadn’t thought his father was capable of sinking so low. Endeavor had nearly killed two of his children that night. He had left Touya for dead.

Touya laughed, another cold and bitter laugh as he raised the joint back up to his lips.

“Do you feel better, Shouto? Will it help you sleep better at night, knowing the truth?”

Shouto looked up at Touya. At Dabi. This wasn’t fair. Endeavor shouldn’t be able to get away with this.

“We can fix it. If we work together, we can go to the newspaper without him knowing. We can set the record straight. You and I could get an apartment, and we could both escape that asshole.” Shouto was reaching for strings, anything. There had to be a way to fix this.

“That sounds real nice, Shouto. But there is no going back. I have done things in these past four years. I didn’t just run away and sit on my fucking thumbs. I am a member of the League of Villains. If you knew the things I have done, you would be disgusted. There is no more Touya Todoroki, Shouto. Dabi is all that is left.”

https://archiveofourown.org/works/21759583/chapters/51915700

[kelseyshljourney]

My HL (Hodgkin’s Lymphoma) Journey

“You have cancer”. I heard these words on a sunny July afternoon in 2020. July 23rd to be exact. I had a chest biopsy that was done that Tuesday, the 21st and anxiously waited for the results. I was not prepared to hear those words ever in my entire life nor is there anything that can prepare you for it. I was 6 months pregnant with my daughter, Madison, at the time so you can imagine the emotions I was feeling were heightened because of the pregnancy. Let me start at the beginning. Welcome to my cancer story.

My cancer journey started during my pregnancy with my aforementioned daughter. I found out I was pregnant with our first child in February 2020. I’ll make it clear that I had a wonderful pregnancy (cancer stuff put aside) and my daughter is happy, healthy, and living her best life. We were wonderfully blessed to be on this journey of pregnancy and enjoying every part of it. Although, I would not recommend being pregnant during a pandemic. Now being in 2021, there’s more that we know about COVID-19 but the beginning was rough. During the first trimester of pregnancy, my midwife brought up information about genetic testing that is available to pregnant moms for their babies that can be done through a simple blood test. It’s a carrier screening test that’s optional but does check to see if I am a carrier for 3 genetic abnormalities (Down Syndrome, Trisomy 18, and Trisomy 13). I almost didn’t do this blood test because whether or not I was a carrier for the 3 different abnormalities, it wouldn’t change the outcome of the pregnancy. If I ended up being a carrier, my husband, Rob, would also have to be carrier in order for it to be most likely passed down to our baby. I decided to do it because it was covered by my insurance and it was a quick visit to my clinic to get my blood drawn. No big deal.

I got the test done in April and then didn’t hear anything right away. I didn’t think much of it but I realized that I never got my results back on the test so I called my clinic to get my future appointments set up and then spoke directly with my midwife. She asked me if I heard anything from the lab about my results and I told her that I hadn’t. She ended up calling them and then called me right back. She said that my results came back as “inconclusive” as the lab could not determine if I was a carrier for any genetic abnormality because a lot of my DNA strands are incomplete with parts missing. My midwife said that out of her 30+ years of doing this job, she has never heard of this result before. Great. I was concerned about what this meant for the baby and concerned since my midwife didn’t know how to handle this. My care was transferred over to a Maternal & Fetal Medicine (M&FM) doctor who I saw for the rest of my pregnancy as I was now considered to be high risk. During this same week (the week of May 18th), I had a visit over the phone with a genetic counselor who told me that the result of the genetic test could be the cause of something as simple as being anemic (not getting enough iron) or something more serious like a tumor (whether benign or malignant). I was told that the least likely of it to be would be a tumor (I can laugh about this now but the irony). I also had a breast ultrasound at the hospital to make sure there were no lumps that could be causing this (there weren’t – I was clear).

At this point, I was feeling stressed but overall still feeling good and excited about my pregnancy despite this hiccup (or what I thought was just a hiccup). I had a few visits with the M&FM doctor and had more ultrasounds than a “normal” pregnancy so that they can check to make sure that Baby E was growing as she should and didn’t show any outward signs of a genetic disability. I had a lot of blood work done but it all came back clear and showing no signs of anything going wrong in my body. For a while, I felt like a test subject and with every test that was ordered and prick in my arm I was getting annoyed that I wasn’t getting to enjoy a “normal” pregnancy with all the visits that I had. I say “normal” because every pregnancy is different for every woman. When my doctor told me that the last thing she wanted to order for me was chest CT and an MRI to confirm there was not a tumor in my body, she promised she would let me enjoy my pregnancy and not order any more tests. I almost almost declined the MRI and CT because I felt like I didn’t want to go through that and be exposed to possible radiation and on top of that, I felt fine. God was really watching out for me and leading me in the direction to get the diagnostic tests done.

On July 8th, I had the MRI and CT done. I was with Rob when I got the call from my doctor that afternoon to go over the results. The MRI was unclear because of the baby moving but from what they could see, there was nothing that came up. However, the CT scan showed a mass in my chest that was the size of a distorted hockey puck; measuring at 7 ½ cm by 7cm by 2 cm and was located between my heart and my lung. I was watching Rob tear up and all I could say to him as soon as I hung up with my doctor was. “I’m going to be okay” over and over again. I think I was in complete shock over hearing that there is a tumor in my chest that could be cancer. We had my family over that night and I broke down several times throughout the night. I remember saying that I want to watch my child grow up (since we didn’t know the sex of the baby at the time) and I was scared that I wouldn’t have that chance. I went to bed that night thinking that I was going to die during the night because of the tumor. To be very clear, I wasn’t having suicidal thoughts or anything but when I was told that I have a tumor in my chest, the first thought that went through my mind was that I wouldn’t live to see the next day. This sounds dramatic as I’m writing this but it's the truth. In reality, I probably have had this tumor for a year, two years, or even longer. No one truly knows.

               Between finding out about the tumor and getting the chest biopsy done was about 2 weeks. I can tell you that it was the slowest 2 weeks of my life. During this time, Rob and I were busy packing and getting ready to move into our house. So on top of being in the middle of a pandemic, being pregnant, having a tumor in my chest (without knowing if it was cancer), we were moving too. These two weeks were filled with prayers and spending time with friends and family. I had many breakdowns but Rob helped by feeding me all my favorite foods (I was pregnant after all). We moved into our house on July 16th. It was a wonderful day and we are thankful for the friends and family that helped us move into our new space. It was an exhausting time but so worth it. As mentioned at the beginning of this, I had my chest biopsy on Tuesday, July 21st. They couldn’t put me under because I was pregnant but my midwife prescribed me something that would be safe to take while pregnant but will help calm me during the procedure. It was a surreal feeling laying on the procedure table seeing a needle sticking out my chest and moving with every breath I took. Without that medication, I would have probably freaked out since I knew that the needle was close to my heart and lung.

Me in post-op.

2 days later is when I got the call from my doctor telling me the life changing news: I have cancer. God works as wonderfully as he does because that day my mom and grandma happened to come over for lunch, a rare occurrence during the work week so they were there when I got the call. I was diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Lymphoma (HL), which happens to be a very treatable cancer. My doctor told me that she has already been in contact with the oncology team at the hospital to have someone get a hold of me to get an appointment set-up right away. I called all of our family who came over to process the news with me. There were many tears shed between all of us and I couldn’t eat or drink anything because I was so stressed and worried about what this means for my future and Madison’s future. That night, I got a call from Dr. Anderson who became my oncologist during this journey. We met with him the following day at the hospital to go over my CT and MRI scan images and to go over treatment options. He discussed that the general treatment plan for HL was chemotherapy and possible radiation. He also discussed the staging (HL is staged from stage I to stage IV) but because I was pregnant, they were limited in what tests they could order to determine a true stage until after I give birth. For example, they would normally perform a PET scan to confirm where the cancer is in my body but weren’t able to because it’s not safe for the baby. I was originally stage I but borderline stage II because of the size of my cancer and they knew that because of the chest CT. One thing he suggested was to get a bone marrow biopsy done to confirm that the cancer hasn’t spread to my bone marrow (which is a common place for HL to be).

I can tell you now that doing the bone marrow biopsy rivals the pain of childbirth. I was 6 months pregnant when I had the bone marrow biopsy done and it is a very painful procedure. I had the biopsy done on August 5th and what they do is take two samples from my pelvic bone, a liquid sample and a solid sample. The thing is, they could only numb the area where the needle was inserted into my body but there was no way to numb my actual pelvic bone so that is where I felt the pain and it was one of the worst things I’ve ever experienced. I’ll be honest, I cried during it but I luckily had a wonderful nurse who held my hand and talked me through the pain the entire time. Fortunately, the results came back confirming that there was no cancer to be found in my bone marrow. I was still considered to be stage I at this point in my cancer journey but that changed once I gave birth. I’ll get into that a little later.

This was the day after. I was very sore. Peep at the zubaz.

Now that the bone marrow biopsy was done, we met again with Dr. Anderson to go over options. I had the choice of starting chemotherapy while still pregnant (it’s generally safe since I was in my third trimester) or wait until I give birth to start. It was a very heavy decision to make. On one hand if I were to start chemotherapy while still pregnant, there are possible negative side effects for the baby: low birth weight, preterm labor (which ended up happening anyway), mental issues, and fertility issues. On the other hand, if I wait to receive chemotherapy until after the birth, am I putting my health at risk and possibly getting worse with the cancer? Rob and I went back and forth, talked to our families about it, and prayed – a lot.

After a lot of thinking, I decided to wait until after the birth to start chemotherapy. I was feeling good overall and not feeling the “normal” symptoms of HL. I was considered asymptomatic (not showing any symptoms) but here are the common symptoms for HL:

·         Persistent fatigue

·         Night sweats

·         Fever

·         Unexplained weight loss

·         Severe itching

·         Painless swelling of lymph nodes in neck, armpits, or groin

I came to the conclusion that whatever decision I made was the right decision. I knew that I wanted to ride out the rest of my pregnancy without causing any possible disruption to my daughter and her growth. In lieu of receiving treatment during pregnancy, I had to go in for weekly blood work to make sure that everything was still coming back normal (for a pregnancy). My oncologist did order a blood test that checked inflammation in my body. This is called an erythrocyte sedimentation rate (ESR) and the number was already elevated because of pregnancy but also if it was higher than what my oncologist wanted, it would help determine that there might be something bad happening in my body. The number slowly increased as the weeks went on and as I got more and more pregnant. Fortunately, the number was still low enough to satisfy my oncology team. I also had an echocardiogram on July 27th and lung function test on August 3rd to get a baseline on where my heart and lungs were. Of course being pregnant means that my lung function test came back with skewed results than what would be normal. They get these baselines since the drugs that I will be receiving during chemotherapy can affect the heart and lungs negatively so they want to keep a close eye on it. They both came back fine, my heart is strong and my lungs were functioning as well as they could with the rest of my organs pressed into them (yay pregnancy).

               I had my last ultrasound for my daughter when I was 33 weeks pregnant and the last time that I would see the M&FM doctor as I would be seen every week until I gave birth with my midwife. Little did I know, I would be walking into the hospital on Sunday evening, September 13th because my water broke (I’ll never forget Rob’s face when they confirmed that my water broke – it was priceless!) A little worried but ready for anything, I was ready to give birth despite her being 6 weeks early. Since I was only 1cm dilated, the plan was to induce me the next morning and start the process of giving birth. Apparently my daughter Madison had a different plan because I spent the night dealing with veeerrry painful contractions before I got the epidural. Seriously, a game changer. When the doctors came in to check how I was doing with the epidural, they were surprised to find that I was 9cm dilated and told me that I was about to start pushing. Since I was without sleep and very tired and given the epidural, I was ready to do the damn thing. After an hour of pushing, Madison was born on September 14th at 6:51am! She spent 13 days in the NICU but was never needing any respiratory support at only being at 34 weeks but was healthy and happy.

               Once Madison was home from the hospital, it was time for me to get started with my official cancer journey. On September 29th, I had a PET scan done and this helped to confirm everything we knew but also showed something unexpected; there was another lymph node that lit up in my chest too. This put me officially in stage II HL. The treatment plan remained the same though; I were to receive a chemotherapy combination of drugs abbreviated ABVD (every letter represents a different chemo drug). This part is hard to write because even discussing these drugs makes me nauseous and queasy (something that I don’t think will go away anytime soon). The “A” in the “chemo cocktail” side effect is hair loss. Something that I have prepared myself for, or as much as I could, but nothing can prepare you for when it actually starts happening. I knew that the hair loss was temporary and I would rather be bald for a short time than have cancer for the rest of my life. We got together with some friends at the end of September interspersed so they can meet Madison and also to spend some time together before Rob and I made the decision to lock down our house from visitors. We also made the decision to limit our circle of people that we will see in the coming months. We did this because we knew that my health was going to decline because of chemo and also with the threat of COVID, my immune system couldn’t take the risk of getting sick. It was a very difficult decision since we thrive on social situations and we love hanging out with our friends and family but it was vital that we don’t see many people. This really affected my mental health as I rely on our friends to get me through hard times and this was hands down one of the hardest times that I will probably go through.

               Over the course of the next 6 months, I will experience the ups and downs (a lot more downs than ups) of receiving chemotherapy and the effect that this has on my body. I would never wish chemotherapy and the pain associated with it on anybody. I know that this was extremely tough on my family and friends to see me in such a state. Chemotherapy and the days after it are a nightmare that you can’t wake up from. It was my reality waking up every day and knowing that I still have cancer and have the possibility of getting really sick from it or something worse (don’t worry, I never got into a dark head space but I also needed to make sure I was realistic in all the possibilities). My only other experience with cancer is not a positive one. My sister in law, Beth, passed away from stage IV malignant melanoma on March 26th, 2017. From the time she was diagnosed to the time she passed away, it was about 6 months so you can imagine what was going through my mind when I was diagnosed with this horrible disease.  

               On Monday October 5th, I underwent outpatient surgery to get an implantable port that was put in my chest. This port is used for chemotherapy and is an alternative to having the nurses inserting a needle in my vein each chemo session because over time, the chemotherapy drugs can negatively affect strong veins. The port uses a special needle during chemotherapy to inject the drugs and connected to the port is a tube (I’m sure there’s a medical term but I’m not medically trained) that ran up to a main vein near my neck that was connected directly to my heart so that the drugs were dispersed quickly through my body. It was never painful during the time that I had it and I looked forward to the day when I would be able to get my port out because that means that I was cancer free and no longer receiving chemotherapy.

Also in post-op. Notice the 2 different spots where they cut open. The bottom cut is where the port rested.

On Thursday, October 8th, I had my first chemotherapy session. Luckily the hospital allowed one visitor to come with patients so Rob was fortunately able to come with me. My mom was staying with us for a few weeks to help with the transition of chemotherapy and making sure that someone was able to take care of Madison in case that I was not able to (thinking of this breaks my heart because I never wanted to be a position where I couldn’t take care of my own child). Rob and I showed up to the hospital early in the morning at about 8am and didn’t leave until a little after 3pm. It’s safe to say that it was a very long, draining, exhausting day. Not all chemotherapy sessions were this long but because it was my first one, there’s more that happens than normal. Walking into the oncology suite for the first time to get chemotherapy was nerve-wracking because I didn’t know what to expect. I also felt a lot of eyes on me from the other people also waiting to get chemotherapy and I knew they were looking at me because of my age. Most of them were a lot older. I did come across someone one time who was just a few years older than me (they usually ask date of birth when checking in so that’s how I knew) and I could tell it was his first time because he looked as nervous as I did during my first visit.

               At the hospital, they have both private rooms and a public space too. We were lucky enough to get a private room and it made things a little easier and helped to ease my anxiety knowing that if anything negative were to happen, I wouldn’t be in a public area where other people could witness it. The first nurse that I had was Jen and she was incredible. I’ll say that every nurse that I had were awesome. Anyways, they stared out each visit by taking blood work through my port. They want to make sure that I met the threshold with my blood work to be able to receive chemo because if I am below that threshold for what they are comfortable with, I would be deemed too sick to receive chemo and it would have to be delayed. Luckily I never got to that point but I came close a couple of times. They mainly check my hemoglobin and my white blood cell count but there’s a few other numbers they check as well. I then had a visit with my oncologist who walked me through what each drug’s side effects are. It also was an opportunity to ask questions. The main side effects entailed nausea, lack of appetite, headaches, fatigue, numbness in hands and feet, and night sweats. To help curb the nausea, there were “pre-meds” that were given to me before I received the chemo drugs that mainly were anti-nausea drugs.

Once my oncologist left, it was just me, Rob, and Jen. Jen started to give me one of the pre-med drugs called Emend. It’s an anti-nausea drug that was given to me through my port. Jen just started the drip from the IV bag when I started to feel my chest tighten and my face got flushed. I asked Jen if it was normal to feel this way and she stopped what she was doing immediately and told me that it’s not normal. She stopped the drip right away, pressed a button in the room, and then all of a sudden, it went from the 3 of us to about 7-8 people in the tiny room. There were nurses, helpers, and a pharmacist that came in the room. Someone was taking my vitals (heart rate, oxygen level, and temperature), while the nurses there checking my legs for swelling. As soon as she stopped the drip, the tightening in my chest went away and I was able to breathe normally. My vitals came back fine but my heart rate was through the roof because having that many people in the room spiked my anxiety and then there were people that were sticking their heads out of their rooms to see what was going on. It was slightly embarrassing because I felt fine and I don’t like being fussed over. The pharmacist explained that they will discontinue giving me the Emend but he also explained that this is not a common thing that occurs for most people so I most likely had an allergic reaction to the drug. Once everyone left my room, Jen gave me a huge dose of Benadryl to counteract the Emend so I ended up falling asleep for most of the session and I was in and out of consciousness so I don’t really remember much from my first session. I woke up periodically when Jen came in the room with the chemo drugs. I think Rob left the room for a little bit to get some food from the café and to stretch his legs.

The drug that always came first was the Adriamycin (A) which had to be administered by the nurse sitting next to me and slowly injecting it in a timely manner. The rest of the drugs, Bleomycin (B), Vinblastine (V), and Doxorubicin (D), were given via IV bags that were slowly administered over a period of time. When 3pm came around, I finished up my last drug and was able to leave. I went home and slept for a long time.

I received chemo every other week. I was considered to be toxic for the first 72 hours after, which means my bodily fluids should not be handled by anyone but me. Rob and I deemed our downstairs bathroom as the “chemo bathroom” so that’s what I used every time. After going to the bathroom, I have to put the toilet seat down and flush twice. If I vomited, I would need to be the one to clean it up but if someone were to help, they would need to wear a mask and gloves. Fortunately I never vomited during my cancer journey (mind over matter). For the rest of my chemo sessions, they were mostly uneventful. There was a point where the hospital changed their visitor policy and I was not able to bring Rob to the appointments so I had to go alone. This really took an effect on my mental health and negatively affected my health knowing that I would have to endure the sessions alone. I felt like my health declined during that time period so for a few months, I was going alone and sitting in the public area. I usually would bring our Nintendo Switch, read, or I would sit and watch Tik Toks. I would have a song in my head on how I was feeling that day so I would usually send the song to my family to let them know where my head space was at that day.

For those that are wondering, a chemo cycle is about a month long (28 days). In each cycle, there are 2 sessions. The plan was to do 2 cycles and then have a repeat PET scan done (which was the end of November) and then most likely 4 more cycles of chemo after that and then another PET scan (which was in March). As I mentioned earlier, one of the side effects from one of the chemo drugs is hair loss. My oncologist prepared me that I most likely will lose my hair. Easier said than done. I didn’t see any hair loss during my first cycle but I knew that it was only a matter of time. When I started my second cycle of chemo, that’s when it happened. It was the week of Halloween and I believe it was a Tuesday when I took a shower during the day. As mentioned before, my mom was living with us to take care of Madison and I am thankful that she was there. This is a vulnerable topic to discuss for me because even though I know the hair loss is temporary, our hair makes us part of who we are as people and you can’t convince me otherwise. When I started washing my hair, I pulled out a huge portion. I kept pulling out more and more hair and I broke down crying in the shower. I eventually made it out and showed my mom what happened. This was one of the toughest days of my journey. I ended up sleeping for about 6 hours after that because I was emotionally and mentally drained. That night, Rob bought me my favorite food from a hibachi place close by our house and that helped my spirits a little bit.

The rest of the week I avoided washing my hair when I took my showers because I wasn’t ready to go through that trauma again because despite pulling out a few handfuls, I still had plenty of hair on my head. I said at the beginning of the journey that I wasn’t planning on shaving my head and that I would just keep what hair I could but I changed my decision on that. On Halloween was when I became bald. I was prepared this time when I went to take a shower as I brought in a few shower beers and had loud music playing. I walked out of the bathroom and showed Rob, who was watching Madison, the hair that I pulled out and with tears in my eyes, I asked him if he could shave my head. I can tell you that afterwards, I didn’t feel sad, I felt liberated more than anything because this was my decision and not something that the cancer could take away from me. I was in pretty good spirits and spent the night playing board games with my brother and sister in law. We dressed Madison up as a Chipotle burrito even though she didn’t like that (she wasn’t in it long). I now am in possession of a few wigs and some hair wraps and hats. My family has never seen me without a hat or a wig on because being bald is the only physical trait that links me to cancer. I want them to always remember me with hair because this is already tough on them that I don’t want them to have that memory of me.

One thing that I didn’t mention earlier but with the Bleomycin (B), this was a drug that caused my loss of appetite, fatigue, and overall nausea after each chemo session. This drug is known to cause negative effects on the lungs so I was carefully monitored by getting lung function tests done. The last one that I did was at the end of my first cycle where they saw a slight drop in my lung function so they stopped giving me this drug so I was only getting AVD for the rest of my cycles. My oncologist explained that it’s better to have some of this drug in my regimen than not getting it at all and it’s about 50% of the time that it’s dropped at some point during the chemo journey. I overall felt better and got my appetite and some of my energy back. I started working out again and felt like I could get through the day without feeling like I needed a nap. I probably would have napped more if I didn’t have Madison at home but I wanted to give as much attention to her as possible. I’ve said this many times to my family, friends, and coworkers, but Madison will always be my dose of serotonin when I’m having a bad day.

After going through 2 successful chemo sessions, it was time to get another PET scan done. This happened on November 30th. I got the results of the scan 2 days later with Dr. Anderson. He explained that the chemo drugs are doing their job and he saw a huge improvement in the cancer that was found in my body. The mass in my chest also decreased in size. He showed me the scans and I was blown away with the difference. Seeing the cancer light up in my body gave me goosebumps and brought tears to my eyes but also seeing the improvement gave me so much hope. The game plan after this visit was to go through 4 more cycles (about 4 months) of chemo and then do another PET scan.

On December 30th, I was starting my 4th cycle and I wasn’t scheduled for a visit with my oncology team that day. I had my routine bloodwork done and then I was sitting in a private room waiting for my pre-meds when my nurse for the day came in. She told me that it was taking longer to get the blood work back because my white blood cell count was so low that they had to individually count my white blood cells. Individually. Count. Meaning, I was almost at the threshold of being too sick to get chemo and inevitably delaying treatment. The nurse warned to be extra careful and to avoid leaving the house since I could not risk getting sick now. I only left the house to go to chemo at this point so I wasn’t seeing many people anyways. I remember calling my mom and telling her the news and breaking down crying because I was scared. It’s hard for me to admit that and I felt scared during this process more than I let on to my family and friends because I hate feeling vulnerable. I was able to still get treatment that day but I also didn’t feel very good during that visit. This happened one other time, which happened to be my last chemo session that I had.

One scary event that happened was when I suddenly couldn’t breathe. I was in the middle of my workday, Madison was being watched by my sister in law at my house, and I was in the kitchen walking back to my computer when I started having a hard time breathing. I sat down and tried to take a few calming breaths. I calmly told Briana that I wasn’t able to take a proper breath and I then told her that I’m going to call my oncology team to see what they would recommend. I spoke with a nurse who told me to come in right away. She said she spoke with my oncology team who recommended getting some tests done to see what is going on. I went to the hospital and had an EKG done and also a chest CT. My oncologist said the EKG came back fine and so did the CT. They thought possibly that I could have a blood clot but that wasn’t the case. They recommended taking it easy and to take some ibuprofen when I got home, which I did and I started to feel better and was able to take a deep breath again. This happened on February 2nd. I didn’t have that feeling ever again.

On March 10th, 2021 is when I completed my 6th and final chemo cycle. Despite having a low white blood cell count, I was in pretty high spirits hoping that this was going to be my last chemo session ever. I had the last PET scan on March 22nd and went over the results with Dr. Anderson on March 24th. I was a bundle of nerves and holding Rob’s hand when my oncologist walked into the room and what he started saying was ominous. He started out by saying that the scans look good but aren’t perfect (okay?) but they didn’t want to leave anything to chance (alright, what does that mean?) He proceeded to show us the recent scans and then did a side by side comparison and was showing us the improvement. He then started going over the follow-up protocol for when I would get future scans, visits, etc. I had to stop him and ask outright, “is there cancer left in my body??” and he laughed and said that he probably should have started out the visit by saying that I am cancer free. CANCER. FREE. Even typing this, I’m tearing up. I started crying tears of joy, relief, etc. He said that I am officially in remission and in 5 years I will be considered completely cured of cancer. I’ll be getting CT scans done once every year and visits and blood work done every 6 months.

Dr. Anderson explained that the mass in my chest decreased in size to the point that he’s comfortable with not recommending radiation. He said that I have the option of speaking with the radiation oncologists but that he doesn’t feel the need for me to get radiation done. He knew that I was very against getting radiation if I could avoid it but of course I would listen to medical advice if it was strongly recommended. This was a huge sigh of relief since radiation would take a toll on my body.  We left the hospital, I cried some more, and we went immediately to our families the life changing news. We spent the rest of the day at my parents house where Madison was and celebrated by popping a bottle of champagne and ordering sushi. I took the rest of the week off from work to relax and enjoy being cancer free. I got my port out on April 1st. It was such a wonderful and freeing feeling. I was looking forward to this day since I got it put in.

Again, post-op. I think my face says it all.

I can’t describe the feeling that when I check my next visit, it’s not until June. From May 2020 to March 2021, I’ve had a total of 47 visits that were cancer related (not even counting OBGYN visits). To provide a comparison before 2020, I would maybe have 4 visits during the year. We slowly have been spending more time with friends that we haven’t seen since before starting chemo and it’s been an amazing feeling. I’m looking forward to my hair growing back (and my eyebrows which slowly disappeared). If anyone asks me what my future plans are, I tell them that I plan to travel this year and focus on being a cancer free 27 year old. I’m also hoping that by sharing my story, it helps to spread awareness to the fact that it’s vital to get yearly check-ups by your doctor because you never know what might be happening without your knowledge. Also, if something doesn’t feel right, speak up.

I want to send a huge thank you to our friends, family, coworkers, our church, friends of friends, and any others that have prayed for us, brought meals and gifts over, or thought of us. I also want to thank Dr. Anderson and his team at Regions and for all the nurses that took care of me during my chemo sessions. I’m overwhelmed with the amount of love and support that I have felt during this entire journey and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I’m emotional writing this. Thank you.

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Favorite books of 2020

This is normally a January or February thing...last year it was November, so May seems fitting in 2021. You can find the last few years here and here...

2020 book totals: 23 audio books 14 Kindle books 10 tree books

47 books total

I shifted a lot more of my reading this year to audiobooks, which I think is a combination of the baby (a lot of time that I could use my ears, but not my hands), more ranch work (got a nice set of ISOTunes bluetooth ear protection for running saws etc), and more solo travel time during the pandemic. I also read a lot more tree books, mostly as a result of some out-of-print titles and some baby-related gifts. And overall my reading dropped a bit, unsurprisingly.

[Reminder: these are all affiliate links, and it all goes to charity at the end of the year]

How to Have Your Second Child First: 100 Things That Would Have Been Good to Know--The First Time Around by Kerry Colburn and Rob Sorenson

When I told Bryan that we were expecting our first child, he insisted I read this book. It was fantastic, as far as parenting goes (targeted audience, obviously). But the basic message is chill out, it's going to be fine. Think about how many people do this multiple times. And all of the things you worry about for the first kid, like making it perfectly quiet for them to sleep aren't going to be possible for the second kid, so why don't you just treat the first kid the same way--it makes everybody more flexible. We've tried to put a lot of this to work with Cooper and at least so far is making our lives easier. No promises how he turns out yet. :)

Age of Ambition, Chasing Fortune in China by Evan Osnos

I’m pretty sure Scott Cannon recommended this to me a while back, I think after some of his time in China, and I really enjoyed it. I've been trying to read and understand a lot more about China these days for obvious reasons. I've started reading Sinocism by Bill Bishop. It's a lot, you have to skim it every day, or just disregard it some days, but it's got a lot of really interesting insight (at least to me) on how China is operating these days. At least I'm trying to build some sort of understanding because it feels as if it's going to be important at some point in our lives. The highlights of this book, for me, were probably starting to understand some of what are apparent contradictions in the dynamism of the entrepreneurial economy there combined with pretty aggressive state control. Sort of the way that the party is different from the state but isn't in many ways; it’s often the same thing “functionally,” at least as I understand it. The other interesting takeaway was the total aversion to a loss of control and the single overarching directive that seems to grip the party, which is no social unrest. I also read China’s Vision of Victory this year, but Age of Ambition was a better read. I’m currently working on Blockchain Chicken Farm, and while the title is better, Age of Ambition still comes out on top.

Expecting Better by Emily Oster

Love this book, and the second book by the same author, called Crib Sheet. This was given to us when we told some close friends that we were expecting and they said “Oh, this woman we worked with at University of Chicago (she's now at Cornell, I believe), wrote these books and they're very scientific, data-driven books on pregnancy,” which obviously appeal to both Lizzie and I. This one was great because it goes into the research and the studies on things like can you drink alcohol during pregnancy or not? What do you think about sort of deli meats vs sushi vs whatever in terms of how it's going to affect the baby? How much should you worry about different prenatal tests, which are the really important ones, which are the ones that have a lot of false positives, and so on. I highly, highly recommend this and in fact, have sent it to a number of friends who are now expecting kids. It really simplifies things in terms of what you need to worry about and not.

Honeybee Democracy by Thomas D. Seeley

I don't remember who recommended this, but I absolutely loved this book. It's a really fascinating (if pretty in-depth) overview of the science on honeybees. Obviously, part of this is appealing to me because Lizzie keeps honey bees here at the ranch. And we love their honey and love learning about them and seeing them in operation. But the thing that just blew me away about this book, in addition to just the detail on the explanations of how these things actually work, was how they did the study design. They would find a big offshore island that had no bees on it and actually go out and do these experiments in a “pristine” environment. Eg how did the bees decide where to set up their new hive? How did they lead or follow a swarm or anything else? And it was just brilliant...as an example, they figured out that bees like to establish hives of a certain volume, not too big, not too small. And so how do honeybees measure volume? It turns out that there are two measurements they frequently do: one is they walk around the circumference of the potential hive site, and two is they fly across it and kind of measure their flight time. And so somebody actually went to prove this and built a hive they had a “treadmill” on one wall, that they could speed up or slow down to change the perceived volume, and that did in fact change which hives were chosen by the bees. Really, really amazing book!

Educated by Tara Westover

Lizzie read this first and really loved it, and has been on my list for a little while. I finally read it and thought it was fascinating. This single story of a woman who's raised in, I think, Idaho in a very Mormon community. Fundamentalist and very conspiratorial/out there on the fringe family. And she ends up going to BYU and then studying in London and doing a bunch of stuff that kind of breaks the mold. But she talks about it as kind of an escape, and rationalizing/understanding how her parents shaped her and both the positives and negatives. One of the biggest things that was interesting to me was, and I've heard it in many ways, but this passage stuck with me: at some point, she made a little bit of money, maybe $1,000 in a single chunk rather than getting paid for a day of work. And she made the point that all of a sudden she'd never felt like that before, because she didn't have to worry minute to minute about where the money was and was going and whatever. Just an interesting reminder of the costs of all these things that many of us are lucky enough not to think about at that level. Year by year, sure, but day by day or minute by minute is a different thing.

Fire on the Mountain: The True Story of the South Canyon Fire by John N. Maclean

I think this one was recommended by Zuni, one of our neighbors. It was another post fire disaster investigation, this time for a fire in Colorado that ended up turning and claiming the lives of a bunch of Hot Shots and Smokejumpers. It was a really well researched book, very descriptive, pretty fast moving, not excruciatingly detailed, but a little bit overly detailed unless you understand this stuff, which I don't claim to. But worth reading if you live in a wildfire zone, as many of us do these days!

The Haywire Heart by Chris Case

Mark Gainey recommended this to me. It’s about how endurance athletes can develop heart conditions, from training so hard and bringing their hearts to such an unusual level in different ways, and the various arrhythmias that come from it. Also how blood pressure can be off because your heart gets so strong at pumping during anaerobic exercise, develops really strong muscles, and then your heart rate goes way too low when you’re resting/sleeping and then loses rhythm. Really interesting. I listened to it in an audio book, which wasn't quite the right format for it because you have to be really paying attention to some of the science. But it was fascinating and made me a little more thoughtful about paying attention to heart rate monitors as I get older.  

Twelve hours' sleep by 12 weeks old by Suzy Giordano

A couple of people recommended this to me, Rick Morrison and Ashley Carroll were the ones that I remembered. For us it was the canonical sleep training book. It was really interesting and really good, but I don't think it works for everybody (seemingly different things work for different people, especially per Emily Oster’s research). But this is how we ended up getting Cooper to sleep well (he was largely sleeping through the night by 8 weeks, but I think that was mostly him and not us). Most of it is simply structured feeding and making sure that you can extend the time between feedings so that they can sleep longer periods of time without being really hungry. There are a bunch of really easy summaries on the web of, and the book itself was pretty tedious. I listened to it on Audible on my bike, and the number of examples like “every four hours, eg, 8a, 12p, 4p, 8p” ... I can do the math, thanks. But the method was two pages and really good. Obviously, again, doesn't matter if you don't have an infant.

My heart is Africa by Scott Griffin

Dennis Pilarinos recommended this book about a Canadian Doctor who goes and flies through Africa in his Cessna 185 (and even more adventurously, he actually flies it *to* Africa from Canada and back). Really cool fun book, some crazy stories like the usual kind of bush plane drama. Only available in paperback. I did order it somewhere random, but it was totally worth reading. Super fast and fun blending aid to Africa with flying and totally worth it. Very, very quick read but great for pilots.

The Billion Dollar Spy by David Hoffman

Alex Yakubovich recommended this to me and as always, his book recommendations are fantastic. This one was about Oleg Tolkachev and his work with the CIA while the Cold War was still going on. And all this crazy interesting information he passed and why he did it. And it was fun. It was like a spy novel that was real and exciting, but not over the top James Bond style.

Flatland by Edward Abbott Abbott

This was actually recommended by Sonia Wong at Sequoia in an interview I read with her. It's really quick and interesting, basically a story about living in two dimensions and trying to understand three- and one-dimensional worlds. How do you think about dimensionality, represented by the rules of these different, theoretical societies, if you will, that live in one or two dimensions. It's hard to describe well, but it was a really fun, interesting book, a very quick read. Even fully understanding the math of N space it was still really entertaining. I don't know if it'd be a good or bad thing for a kid to read, probably pretty good for a mathematically inclined kid. Really interesting.

The Storm Before the Calm by George Friedman

I read a lot of his work through Geopolitical Futures. I find it really interesting, just as an intellectual pursuit of understanding how the world works and how countries interact on a geopolitical level. And I've always thought his analysis is pretty insightful. He's a Polish immigrant to the United States, and a huge “patriot” in the unfortunately anachronistic sense. He writes about the four cycles he sees in US politics (institutional and socioeconomic, most importantly). And his primary argument is that in the 2020s, they're all going to end at the same time. And usually, when one of them ends, there's a little bit of pain and dislocation in the US. Historically, the US grew stronger out of it. It can grow, or it can obviously implode and cause a revolution. He thinks it'll grow stronger, and he thinks it'll largely lead to a decentralization of political power because the United States and its organizations and institutions have gotten way too complex to run centrally. Interesting parallel here to China in terms of the complexity of that organization and country, that's 4x, 5x the size population wise.

[leahbasavraham]

I went to the doctor and every test came back normal. If you’re a woman or afab & are age 21 or over please go get a Pap smear when you’re due.

It’s so important to go every 3 years, but if you’ve had an abnormal result in the past or if you have any new symptoms you should go more frequently. Please do it ASAP if you’re putting it off.

Go make the call now. Planned parenthood offers affordable care if there’s one near you.

P.s. if you don’t ID as a woman but you’re not cis you should also heed this advice. Anyone with a cervix!

Planned parenthood is an LGBT friendly organization.

Lesser known symptoms of cervical cancer:

-muscle aches or backaches

-numbness, tingling or pain in legs and feet.

-blood in vaginal mucus or bloody discharge between periods, after menopause, or any increase in spotting than what’s typical for you.

-bleeding, cramping, or pain after or during intercourse.

Risk Factors for developing cervical cancer:

-only females can develop cervical cancer

-Tobacco or Nicotine use weakens your immune defenses against cancer.

-age 25 or over. (Risk increases with age)

-presence of certain HPV strains in your body. HPV often has no symptoms. You can contract it even if you use a condom, although the risk is diminished.

Prevention

-HPV is spread through skin-to-skin contact of the affected area. It commonly affects the anus, penis, vulva, or cervix.

-Gardisil, also known as Cervarix is a series of 3 vaccinations. It protects against the strains that cause 70% of cervical cancer cases.

-All kids are recommended to get this vaccination, but girls are prioritized because the vaccine protects them from cancers caused by HPV, while boys are vaccinated to prevent them from contracting, carrying, and spreading the viruses.

-Condoms and dental dams can only do so much. But during sexual encounters, use protection. Condoms and dental dams do prevent probability of spread but not by that much so please get tested.

-be open with your partner about sexual history. Discuss and be aware of the sexual history of your partners. Get tested! Ask your partners to get tested too.

-de-stigmatize female reproductive health issues. De-stigmatize discussions of STD prevention & treatment. & de-stigmatize (female) sexual behavior. Shame causes people to defer testing, delay treatment, and suffer in silence. Shame prevents people from opening up to their doctors.

-Usually the most dangerous strains of HPV have no symptoms until cancer has already developed. Testing/ early detection is key.

[makeetelich92]

Vitamin D: What You Need To Know

Hardly a day goes by without some groundbreaking news about Vitamin D. Originally known for it's crucial role in maintaining calcium levels for bone health, it is rapidly becoming apparent that we have vastly underestimated Vitamin D's significant importance for our overall health and wellbeing. In short, judging by what I see in my practice and speaking with colleagues around the country, it's looking very much like we're facing an epidemic of Vitamin D deficiency, with potential grave consequences. Nature's blend multivitamin with minerals FAQ will help to get you up to speed on this important topic.

What diseases are associated with Vitamin D deficiency?

Vitamin D deficiency has been shown to play a role in almost every major disease, including:

Osteoporosis and Osteopenia

17 varieties of Cancer (including breast, prostate and colon)

Heart disease

High blood pressure

Obesity

Metabolic Syndrome and Diabetes

Autoimmune diseases

Multiple sclerosis

Rheumatoid arthritis

Osteoarthritis

Bursitis

Gout

Infertility and PMS

Parkinson's Disease

Depression and Seasonal Affective Disorder

Alzheimer's Disease

Chronic fatigue syndrome

Fibromyalgia

Chronic Pain

Periodontal disease

Psoriasis

What is vitamin D?

Although it's called a vitamin, vitamin D is really a hormone not a vitamin. Vitamins cannot be produced by your body, we get them from dietary sources, whereas hormones like vitamin D are made in your body. It's your body's only source of calcitrol (activated vitamin D), the foremost potent hormone within the body.

What will calciferol do?

Like all steroid hormones, vitamin D is concerned in creating many enzymes and proteins, that are crucial for protective health and preventing disease. it's the flexibility to move and have an effect on quite 2,000 genes in the body. It enhances muscle strength and builds bone. it's medicament effects and bolsters the immune system. It helps the action of hypoglycaemic agent and has anti-cancer activity. this is often why vitamin D deficiency has been joined with numerous of the diseases of contemporary society. owing to its huge array of benefits, maintaining optimal levels of D is essential for your health.

Where do I get vitamin D from?

The only 2 reliable sources of vitamin D are the sun and supplements. Sunlight exposure is the only reliable way for your body to generate vitamin D. Vitamin D is produced by your skin in response to exposure to ultraviolet radiation from the sun. In fact, this is such an efficient system that most of us make approx. 20,000 units of vitamin D after only 20 minutes of summer sun without suntan lotion (or clothes!) That's 100 times more than the government recommends per day! There must be a good reason why we make so much in so little time.

You do not generate vitamin D when sitting behind a glass window, whether in your car or at home because these UV rays cannot penetrate glass to generate vitamin D in your skin Also sunscreens, even weak ones, almost completely block your body's ability to generate vitamin D.

The other reliable source is vitamin D3 supplements (not vitamin D2)

Only about 10% of your vitamin D comes from diet, so it is nearly impossible to get adequate amounts of vitamin D from your food.

What are the food sources of vitamin D?

1. Fish liver oils, such as cod liver oil. Fatty wild fish like mackerel, salmon, halibut, tuna, sardines and herring2. Fortified milk, orange juice and cereal3. Dried Shitake mushrooms4. Egg yolks

But to get adequate amounts of vitamin D from food, you would have to eat at least 5 servings of salmon a day or drink 20 cups of fortified milk

My Doctor told me to avoid the sun, what do you think?

There is an old Italian saying "Where the sun does not go the doctor does."

For about the last 25 years, doctors (dermatologists in particular) have demonized sun exposure and repeatedly told us it is bad for you and causes cancer. But is that true? In the last few years, numerous studies have shown that modest exposure to sunlight may actually be good for you, helping the body produce the vitamin D it needs to keep bones healthy and protect against cancer, including skin cancer. Though repeated sunburns--in children and very fair-skinned people--have been linked to melanoma, there is no credible scientific evidence that moderate sun exposure causes it. Since it's almost impossible to get adequate amounts of vitamin D from food alone (including fortified milk and fatty wild fish), the sun is your best source. I'm not suggesting you go bake in the sun with your suntan oil or go to tanning salons. But getting some sun without getting sunburned makes healthy sense.

We evolved in the sun; we were made to get some sun, not to live our lives indoors and slather on sunscreen every time we go outside. If the sun is shining where you are today, get out and enjoy it, talk about a free natural treatment! All you need is a little common sense when heading outdoors, do it gradually and always avoid sunburn.

Special Note: Remember to take antioxidants when you sit in the sun, as these can help prevent skin cells from sun damage.

How much sunshine do I need?

All living things need sun, the key is balance. Too much sun exposure can cause melanoma and skin aging, while too little creates an inadequate production of vitamin D. The amount needed depends on the season, time of day, where you live, skin pigmentation and other factors. As a general rule, if you are not vitamin D deficient, about 20 minutes a day in the spring, summer and fall on your face and arms or legs without sunscreen is adequate. It doesn't matter which part of the body you expose to the sun. Many people want to protect their face, so just don't put sunscreen on the other exposed parts for those 20 minutes.

If you live north of 37 degrees latitude (approximately a line drawn horizontally connecting Norfolk, Virginia to San Francisco, California) sunlight is not sufficient to create Vitamin D in your skin in the winter months, even if you are sitting in the sun in a bathing suit on a warm January day! The further you live from the equator, the longer exposure you need to the sun in order to generate cholecarciferol}

How a lot of vitamin D do I need?

How much vitamin D you wish varies with age, body weight, % of body fat, latitude, skin coloration, season of the year, use of sun block, individual variation in sun exposure, and - in all probability - however unwell you are.

As a general rule, previous individuals need quite young people, huge people need a lot of that tiny people, fat people need more than skinny people, dark-skinned people need more than honest injured people, northern people need more than southern people, winter people need more than summer people, sun block lovers need more than sun block haters, sun-phobes need quite sun worshipers, and unwell individuals might have more than we tend toll people.

What I and lots of of my colleagues round the country are finding is that even people disbursal what we thought was adequate quantity of your time within the sun, are still appearance with low blood cholecarciferol} levels. i'm unsure why at this stage however there's a simple and low-cost solution...vitamin D supplementation.

How a lot of vitamin D ought to I supplement with?

Most necessary is that you simply take vitamin D3, (cholecalciferol) the active style of vitamin D. don't take vitamin D2 because it is not as biologically active nor as effective, and nor as safe as vitamin D3. And taking the right amount is crucial, most doctors tend to under dose. The current recommendations from the Food and Nutrition Board of the U.S. Institute of Medicine: from 200 to 600 IU/day depending on one's age, are way too low. These values were originally chosen because they were found to prevent osteomalacia (bone softening) and rickets

Here are some guidelines

If your blood level is above 45ng/ml and for maintenance, I recommend 2,000-4,000 IU daily depending on age, weight, season, how much time is spent outdoors, where one lives, skin color and obviously blood levels

In other words if you are older, larger, living in the northern latitudes during the winter, are not getting sun and have dark skin, I recommend the higher maintenance dose.

If your blood level is 30-45 ng/ml, I recommend you correct it with 5,000 IU of vitamin D3 a day for 3 months under a doctor's supervision and then recheck your blood levels.If your blood level is less than 30 ng/ml, I recommend you correct it with 10,000 IU of vitamin D3 a day under a doctor's supervision and then recheck your blood levels after 3 months. It takes a good 6 months usually to optimize your vitamin D levels if you're deficient. Once this occurs, you can lower the dose to the maintenance dose of 2,000 - 4,000 IU a day.

What are the symptoms of vitamin D deficiency?

There is no clear pattern of symptoms. In fact many people remain asymptomatic despite low levels. But here are some of the more common symptoms:

Fatigue

General muscle pain and weakness

Muscle cramps

Joint pain

Chronic pain

Weight gain

High blood pressure

Restless sleep

Poor concentration

Headaches

Bladder problems

Constipation or diarrhea

What about vitamin D toxicity?

It is impossible to generate too much vitamin D in your body from sunlight exposure: your body will self-regulate and solely generate what it needs. though terribly rare, it's attainable to dose and become venomous with supplementation as cholecarciferol} may be a fat soluble vitamin and thus hold on within the body for extended periods of time. Therefore if you're taking 5,000 IU or a lot of daily, you must have your blood levels monitored or so each three months.

What biopsy should I actually have to visualize my vitamin D levels?

The only blood test that may diagnose vitamin D deficiency is a 25-hydroxy-vitamin D (25 Ohio vitamin D). Unfortunately, some doctors are still ordering the incorrect test, 1,25-dihydroxy-vitamin D. In fact a common cause of high 1,25-dihydroxy-vitamin D is a low 25(OH)D or vitamin D deficiency. So when doctors see the 1,25-dihydroxy-vitamin D is normal or high and tell their patients that they are OK, they are often vitamin D deficient.

Your doctor should do this test for you. Unfortunately even some of the labs, in particular Qwest, have had problems with correct results, usually giving erroneously high results.

If you don't want to go through your doctor, the ZRT lab does a blood spot test that you can order without going through a doctor.

What is the ideal blood level of 25 hydroxy vitamin D?

The current ranges for "normal" are 20 to 55 ng/ml. These are much too low!!! They may be fine if you want to prevent rickets or osteomalacia, but not for optimal health. The ideal range for optimal health is 50-80 ng/ml.

How often should I have a 25 hydroxy vitamin D blood test?

At least once a year especially at the beginning of winter. If you are supplementing, I suggest you monitor your vitamin D levels approximately every 3months until you are in the optimal range. If you are taking high doses (10,000 IU a day) your doctor must also check your calcium, phosphorous, and internal secretion levels each three months

My doctor prescribed Drisdol, 50,000 IU per week. what's it?

Drisdol may be a prescription of 50,000 IU tablets of cholecarciferol}2 or ergocalciferol. cholecarciferol isn't vitamin D however it's similar. D2 is not ordinarily found in humans and most studies show it doesn't raise a pair of5(OH)D levels additionally as (cholecalciferol or vit D3) does. If you're vitamin D deficient, the most effective issue to do, is to require vitamin D3.

Can I take cod liver oil to urge my vitamin D?

Although Cod liver oil contains a good quantity of vitamin D, it conjointly contains high amounts of nutriment A. vitamin A antagonizes the action of calciferol and may be venomous at high levels.

Why is there a deadly disease of vitamin D deficiency?

It is calculable that anyplace from thirty to one hundred pc of yankees, relying upon their age and community living environments, are deficient in nutriment D. quite 1/2 all American youngsters are vitamin deficient. purportedly nearly 3/4s of pregnant ladies are vitamin D deficient, predisposing their unborn children to all or any styles of problems. Worldwide, it's estimated that the epidemic of vitamin D deficiency affects one billion people. In my practice over 80% of patients whose vitamin D levels I check are deficient. No one is exactly sure why this is happening apart from the fact that we spend too much time indoors and when we go out into the sun, we lather sunscreen on ourselves. I think it must be more than that. But whatever the reason, the reality is we have a major epidemic on our hands.

What about the use of tanning beds to get my vitamin D?

I tend not to recommend them because we don't really know if they are safe. Because the light sources vary with totally different tanning beds, it makes them unpredictable associated presumably unsafe. In addition, most industrial tanning beds emit an unknown quantity of electrical phenomenon and since one is therefore on the brink of the particular bed, it's going to be an redundant high dose. in theory each these issues may be overcome, however really they typically are not.