#and i know its just my anxiety speaking
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vent post
#and before anyone who hates my shit says “yeah because you ARE a loser way to have self awareness for once”#i promise you this would be me with or without the LO fandom LMAO#anxiety is a hell of a thing#and as much as i internally guilt myself into thinking it would be better if i just shut up and hid away forever#i also know that's the trauma speaking because the adults around me always told me to shut up#and even as an adult i still encounter people who talk over me and make me feel like i'm not allowed to be outspoken#but the pen is mightier than the sword and all those years i've spent being spoken over i've been honing my penmanship#i have fun talking about the things i talk about and i don't have any less right than anyone else to do it#i am cringe and i am free#self post#vent post#altho on another note i do wanna make time this week to go find new series to read#too many of my favorites have turned to shit and it's taken its toll#i KNOW there are better comics out there that are genuinely well made#i already have a few that i'm reading that i love but i need to balance out the good with the bad more lol#i just need to take the time to go find good stuff instead of pouring so much of my attention into the bullshit that doesn't deserve my tim#i think both things can be true#i can have a lot of fun dissecting and writing about series i don't like#while also nourishing myself with good works that restore my faith in this medium#“perfectly balanced as all things should be”
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if escape rooms as team building exercises became popular im not sure if id be more excited or terrified
#if it isnt already anyway.. i can see it happening as a school frosh thing. idk if it would catch on as a workplace thing#i kind of find the concept of being locked in with strangers and working to find a way out weirdly exhilarating though#at least compared to icebreakers cause i dont have to spend 10 minutes racking my brain for something to blurt out abt myself#as a bonus u could like. put people into groups and give prizes to whoever escapes first second third etc. apparently they also do themed#escape rooms.. maybe let people pick a theme? or voluntary sign up? actually this would be really fun for smth like a blind friend date#although if i found out i was locked in a room with an online friend id be too excited to actually escape LOL#ive never done an escape room before so sadly i cant speak from experience. its like up there on things i want to try next to rug tufting#workshop and visiting new art exhibits or conventions. i seriously need to get out more if it wasnt for the horrors <- school and anxiety#i was planning to invite cass to a drop-in art workshop in town but neither of us could go bc typography is making us go thru hell and back#AND THEY HAD A BUTTON MACHINE TOO#im nostalgic bc i miss working in groups and not being awkward abt it or worrying abt schedule conflicts#i realized that i learn best in groups and its a little corny but i like sharing ideas and talking through a problem#in elementary i could just sit down with friends for review and come out of it energized *and* more familiar with the material#and i could technically still do it now. but as adults we're more picky abt who we work with on top of being way more busy outside school#maybe im lonely. im shy and grew up not talking to ppl unless i absolutely have to so its hard to make friends on my own i guess#only thing getting me thru it is telling myself that humans like helping and that my cringe is overblown in my head. but its hard#hence the escape rooms. i have been able to talk to 2(!!) people though!! mostly abt school stuff but im glad to be on friendly terms#i dont really know how to be happy these days cause im constantly scaring myself abt my portfolio and finding places to work#not being ambitious is part of not wanting to put energy into something that wont work out while also not having the passion to do literall#anything else.. i should probably talk to my counsellor ugh#yapping
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(blood warning) guys i got a tattoo for switch :3 from harajukutattoo 💜💜💜
this was the original idea i had but the artist worked with me to help make it more simple and cutesy for a tattoo design cause i designed it from just an artist’s perspective
shes so cute and i’m obsessed with her it was worth the pain and the migraine i got from no caffeine
#cw blood#tw blood#rambling#enstars#sniffles i love it so much she’s soooooo cutesy#i really really wanted something that represents them but not in a completely obvious way like#something that if you know enstars and switch you’ll know what it is but otherwise it’s just#a cutesy pretty little piece#i haven’t gotten like fully into it but the last two years have been sooooo rough for me and my family and it’s honestly sucked so bad#and i have had some very Very bad days#but switch has helped me through them LIKE ITS SO STUPID ITS EMBARRASSING BUT#LITERALLYTHEYVE HELPED ME SO MUCH. they brought me so much happiness#if i didn’t have switch to cheer me up i would have just been drowning in my depression and anxiety so bad#but they helped me through university they helped me through the family stuff that happened#they mean the world to me and now i get to immortalize that on me forever i didn’t even realize#how much rhey meant to me until i was explaining this to my artist#she was like what’s the significance why do these characters matter to you enough to get a tattoo of them#and i was like girl. let me tell you.#anyways sorry for this rant i needed to speak
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Does anybody else feel like mental health awareness has done very little to help them in material reality
#i was gonna say done nothing to help but that seemed too harsh#like there definitely is more knowledge about it now. maybe more people feel comfortable speaking about it which is good#but personally i don't feel that. like idk. workplaces will post about mental health awareness and then do nothing to help employees#the same w universities. my uni cut back the already meager mental health support#and then the government is doing absolutely fuck all as well#like idk im just back in a place i thought id gotten out of long ago and i still don't feel comfortable talking about it with people#maybe that's a me problem or maybe it's cultural or something idk. but in the 10 years ive been depressed (🫠) i don't think it's gotten a#whole lot better. teenagers are still dealing with the same shit i did and they're still not being taken seriously#women's mental health is not even spoken about.....anxiety depression sh eds etc are still ignored or seen as hysterical behaviour in women#or just normal esp with disordered eating. society hasn't changed people still want women to be stick thin and weak#like i know 10 years is a short time and there has been massive improvements in mh awareness if we look back over the past 50+ years#but idk i just think that it hasn't gotten better for a lot of people#i think specifically of belfast and like god. the amount of trauma there is the amount of homelessness the amount of substance abuse#drug abuse in particular that has gotten visibly worse over the past decade or so*#and i connect the dots n see the 2008 recession + a tory gov defunding the nhs + dehumanisation of homeless people & addicts + the troubles#+ ptsd + generational trauma + a negative peace + classism + paramilitary drug dealers + parties linked to those paramilitaries#and its like hmmmm i think we live in a society. and a mental health approach based on individual actions like journaling and meditation#isn't the way to go. or at least is not the be all and end all which is what a lot of mental health awareness raising seems to promote#*visibly worse on the streets. it was always a problem ofc but even a decade ago my parents never imagined it would be as bad as it is now#and it's become so normalised. i do think there's less individualism here than there seems to be elsewhere which can be good and can be bad#but i think we are becoming more and more individualistic. slowly. there's still a sense of community here but i do think it's changing#and callousness towards homeless people is one of the most obvious examples of this.#love when i put a wee asterisk in the tags of a post. like i have A Lot To Say lol
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Current Ninjago *wip* Projects List
Ninjago Arena: Ninjago but a Mortal Kombat game animation project
NRB: Ninjago but i wrote a bad rap battle or like 3
Darkleys Graduation: I made darkleys more serious and whatnot
Animatics: Dont be Sad -Tate McRae (Morro) Rockstar - CallmeKarizma(Jay) Thot -Tokyo's revenge(Llorumi critical/joke)
Art Projects that will take me 20+ hours to finish feat: Overjay au, Overlord Possesion type study??, Post-Possesion au(art and writing) Ninjago: WhatIf (art+writing). Other long ass art starts
For all the people who didn't ask why i keep disappearing or why i mention a project you've never heard of. There's a lot. And I'm not even including the 17fic backlog. Ufkbfkabfakb.
Feel free to ask about any of these, I just answer asks slowly because of anxiety around disappointing people or just not having an immediate response. Or if they're compliments i just save them for encouragement.
#ninjago#coffee speaks#coffee doodles#sketch#coffee wips#ninjago au#This post is fucking massive buts its interest how i manage to not juggle any of these properly#arena is the most fleshed out its just time consuming and i think i hate the animation process but like animations yknow??#same with the animatics...i pick them up once every 2 weeks but with the exception of 'thot' they're all like 1200 frames#and i animate on 8 frames a second for my peace of mind#the rap battles are coming along slowly...they rhyme they just don't burn the way i want them to. I wanna make a server but social anxiety#the last group project i was in Ninjago: Master of abridgedzu fell apart because there wasn't any real order to the thing.#the writing team vs the VA team was vastly different. And i loved every fucking session even the ones never posted#maybe ill di them out of my files and post but most of the mods from that server became inactive like a year ago so i don't know#if im allowed to just post that yknow.#I wanna bring it back but it needs structure that i can't provide by myself.#If you made it to the bottom of this wall of text comment one of these ^-^ so i can be your friend lmao bye#coffee art
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I adore reading your rambling tags, don't stop posting things there 😩
Don't you worry. I think I might be incapable of stopping idk what happened I never used to tag ramble
#asks#anon#i do really love talking. clearly LOL#but ive also been working on listening the past few years#and thays pretty cool too#i had to learn how to think before i speak. like legitimately im not hearing the words I say#im thinking about my next sentence while i say the current one#its exhausting and i never remember what I've said HWJJJSDJEJ#but people tell me im direct and deliberate and clear so idk...#but listening is also really hard...#conversation in general is really hard#i stll love it of course#its just very tiring for me#which is PART of why I like to do this when i cant sleep cause of nightmares or whatever#tires me out haha and also is a great distraction#and is good practice! for me#so idk i just like it. and its nice to know its not annoying#i wouldn't post hardly any words at all without the safety of the tags#they're not rebloggable so thats a relief#you have to opt in to read them#the space is limited. etc etc#so. im glad it is wn option and im glad its a welcome one!#no intention to stop#thank you for the reassurance on it#delete later#maybe. I'm so tired i need to check later to see if i wnt to delete it#anxiety meds working yay i can sleep bye
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(tags from @neathyingenue @zeebreezin)
hang on have I not mentioned this enough- Hi! Yes! Vincent is Catalan, from Barcelona! I usually talk about them as being/using Spanish but that's honestly just because I know that's what most people would recognise/understand, compared to how relatively niche Catalan is unfortunately. A lot of the time it's more important in the moment to connect somewhat even if it's not entirely accurate "^^ (and they do use Spanish, it's just their second language instead).
Being Catalan specifically is a key part of Vin as a character because, well... I'm projecting, honestly! I live in Barcelona! I may be British, but I've lived here for most of my life now and it's an equally important part of me as a person. Writing about Vin is an excuse to write about the experience of immigrating (though admittedly in reverse of my own) as well as Catalan language, culture, politics, history...
One day I'll sit down and write out some of this stuff and approximately nobody will know the cultural/historical context <3
#putting this on a separate post bcus its unrelated to that one + i wanted to ramble a lil#yknow i should of expected the catalan to be pointed out by a. the one other person who speaks spanish and b. the linguistics nerd aksjdgf#love you both xD <3#but yes vin is me projecting/exploring my own life <3#its just that the average person knows. so little about catalan language/culture (<- lives in barcelona tourist center. its so bad)#tourism pays for a lot of stuff here but christ are a lot of them dumb as rocks#(no shade to anyone here tho genuinely. im just salty about irl stuff pff)#also re: that last paragraph. id also have to fight my own brain a bit tbh#vins thoughts on many things being directly influenced by their experience w/ and hatred of spain vs-#-vs me not wanted to be White British Guy Talks About Racism yknow#and also spains intra-country disputes vs everything spain did outside of the country#gah. idk. anxiety yippeee#this post is messy but it needs Out i cant keep messing with it#oc: vincent bell
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Maybe the fog’s here because I want it here.
Is that why I opened the windows?
Maybe I asked the fog to come…
-MAG170: Recollection
#furry art#anthro art#fursona#ink markings#vent art#avoiding tagging the show the lines are from bc the art has nothing to do with the podcast lmao#the rest of these tags are rambling you can stop reading now no worries !#it’s just getting gross outta my head and onto paper#I’m so bad at conversations and I know it’s my own fault but it feels isolating#I gotta get better at talking but I’m just afraid to reach out to people#no idea how to talk that isn’t infodumping#I just wanna talk about my OCs or my fandoms or just…. anything but feel like no one wants to hear that shit lmao#sometimes I feel like the people in my life would rather interact with anyone other than me lmao#I feel way better after drawing this out tho#bless the arts#i know i know i need to be the one to reach out more#and i know my anxiety stems from my parents hardcore ridiculing me whenever i talked to much#and my exes ignoring me at the drop of a hat for whatever new thing piqued them#but its hard to know that logically and get my brain to cooperate#and not think that I'm automatically annoying every person i speak to#although maybe it's also better because anyone who gets stuck in a room irl with me knows i don't shut up lmao#maybe its for the best i can never manage to do it in text
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I hate living in this world.
#misc#negativity tw#first off i had an argument with a colleague at work#we had to move places for the millionth time in this stupid open space#which already annoyed me#but this guy came at bargained like he always do while i said nothing because it's not like we chooae#and he always does that for actual work because and idk at first i made a snarky comment about now that he got what he wanted he better be#ready to work instead of hiding when somebody ask him to do his job#and he told me he didn't understand the remark#and my hot temper that makes me snap every five years took over#i bet he has by now complaining aboutme like he does about everything#anyway i take hours to calm down (not calm after 4 hours)#I'm also pissed at me cause i can't get emotional without shaking stupidly which makes me look like an hysterical person (i mean sadly i am)#also if there has to have an explanation once my anger is gone tomorrow i will be back on social anxiety mode which is gonna make it worse#all of this reminded me that i need to find a new job for ten thousand reasons#but unfortunately all employers are shit and actually i don't even know what i want to do#and as usual i have no energy for anything because i am still a major piece of shit#then i wanted to relax#made the mistake to open Instagram because I'm also stupid#and i know i don't often talk about politics and stuff#but it's really draining me#i barely or read news just enough to be aware#and honestly its exhausting but I dont want to complain cause Im in a privileged position where i have the chance to be able to 'shut off'#and yes my country and especially this government is sickening me#and like its people too#and also insta is full of pride posts#and i am stupid to read the homophobic and transphobic comments#and genuinely these people alongside racist and islamophobic people really scare the hell out of me#hopefully i don't engage but i shouldn't read anything at all tbh#speaking of pride im spiralling because even tho i kinda identify as aro i feel like a freak and i have nobody to tell me im not
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My friend asked like "how do you know if you're mentally ill" thoughts?
⚠️opinion of a 17 year old on the internet, not professional medical advice⚠️
uhhhh honestly i think there is no one way to know bc there are *so many* different types of mental illness. but i’d just say if like. you have mental or emotional issues that contribute negatively to your daily life? like for example my anxiety often makes me functionally unable to speak* around new people & my guilt issues are a direct contributor to my insomnia. using those examples specifically because my anxiety is an actual diagnosed disorder & my guilt is just kinda There & i think you can be mentally ill/have symptoms of mental illness without necessarily fitting the criteria for a specific disorder
⚠️opinion of a 17 year old on the internet, not professional medical advice⚠️
#*to clarify on the ‘functionally unable to speak’ thing#when nervous or meeting new ppl i sometimes can speak but almost always i can’t force my voice loud enough for people to actually hear me#just noting that here bc while it has similar results it is distinct from selective mutism etc & i dont wanna coopt anyones struggles#asks!#rambling#also w the guilt thing tbc i know it can be a symptom of anxiety & depression. in my case it isnt its just its own thing
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I swear to god one day I‘ll be like „I love my OCs so much my genius knows no bounds it‘s so sad not more people see them“ and the next make a complete 180 to „I‘m so cringe I should delete this entire blog and never show myself on the internet ever again“.
Like ok bro please pick a struggle I don‘t have the emotional energy for both
#gams speaks#in my defense i have a history of excitedly posting oc ask games on my blog#and one specific person (who I‘m not involved with anymore) just as excitedly asking me things#and when i answered they proceeded to completely ignore said answers#haha that made me kinda insecure#but im in therapy for my anxiety and insecurity now its fine!#but yh whenever i get asks now i just go ‚‚do you actually wanna know or are you just pitying me‘‘#which is so#why#ok i should stop venting in the tags now this blog isnt about me jesus christ#but yeah ThAtS tHe StOrY oF wHy i DoNt Do OC aSk GaMeS aNyMorE
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All kofi slots filled! Thank you very much ^^
I've also done some thinking. I know what I want to do for a portfolio and I would like to work on it- but doing commissions full time on top of it might not be the best plan for me.
1st option is bumping up the prices again and possible add-ons for color. The quality for sketch illustrations has continued to increase since i first opened them. I just need to improve on my motivation and speed of getting them done
2nd option is taking a pause on full time art again. Finish what work I have now and do a part time job while making up a portfolio.
I thought sharing my thought process lately would make me feel better, but I kept finding myself lost in my wandering thoughts and feeling helpless. So I'll end it here. I dont even know where I was going with this.
I just want my art career to work man. That's all.
#kimmy speaks#with how much i was going to originally post I just know something is wrong with my mind#can i be honest.. besides the anxiety/depression im sure i have.. i think i have adhd or something like that.. i cannot be normal#but its also so much money to get that checked out and the fear of it being a false negative like i heard thats a possibility#i just KNOW somethings going on up there in my brain but what the hell is it bro i want to be able to focus#again im rambling imma stop
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i know ppl got social anxiety and i get it but also i have very very bad hearing + audio processing disorders and you need to speak up or im going to ask you what huh about 4 times in a row
#this was especially difficult when i worked at starbucks#like i promise you its fine how you order so long as i can actually hear you and so many people mumble and speak fast#and then theres the demon of discord calls ruining audio so i literally never know what people are saying#and then i just hate when people say oh nevermind like no tell me oh my god i just cant hear you#in fact its worse when ppl just brush it off and give up cuz of anxiety like no dude just say it im not asking huh cuz im judging you#im asking over and over cuz i literally cannot!!! fucking!!!! hear!!!#many things getting on my nerves these days cuz i think the red death is approaching#but bad hearing + audio processing = i cannot hear jackshit#skeletal chatter
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going out of town for a few days and im really scared honestly. i have to be up early but i can't sleep
#im just really really scared and worried for my cat#obviously someone is staying at our place to take care of her but#she's my everything and i just dont trust my brother#if i lose her i like cant take that at all and i know shes going to be so stressed and scared with me gone#even when i leave for a few hours she meows loudly. when im gone for a single night she screams and paces#she has really bad separation anxiety and im just really really scared shell have like a heart attack or something bc she gets so scared#and then die#we had an old cat who got so scared once she died and i dont want to lose hazel im really scared#i know its so unlikely but. ive had her for so long shes my kitty i love her more than anything#speaking
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being extroverted must be awesome imagine feeling nothing after telling someone "wow youre REALLY quiet". im going to talk less around you now 🫶
#i know i got anxiety like a motherfucker and as much as i love my cave where my objects of comfort are i also like going places sometimes#there was a time where id go to a store and then do what i needed and then exit the store#nowadays i find myself yapping at The Store especially if i need help getting something done. etc#also sometimes people at Places are such dicks the best way to get them to fuck off is to mind your own business#assholes need an audience and people who arent assholes wont demand your attention you feel me?#i am less scared of people these days 👍 the interactions however#scripting is at times my friend and also my flop. i know what to say on what days with select people in my kingsley-safe zones#but if anything goes off script ... flop. meltdown. fear. anguish. death. dying. death.#i feel like these kinda conversations get TOO heavy handed on treating introverted people as these self righteous misanthropes#who are too full of their own selves and their own time to want to reach out and build connections#and i feel like its just unfair and it pushes introverts further into their caves#i aint a fucking doctor nor am i a people expert. im not a people person. i dont trust easily and i dont speak unless spoken to#or unless im on tumblr lol#but i do know that it cannot seriously be helpful to NOT help socially awkward people. where do yall get off on calling anyone immature#for not being 100% type a?#that doesnt make anything better. that doesnt encourage conversations and that for fucking sure doesnt encourage people#to step out of their bubble#ok im mostly rambling because there are times where tough love advice is warranted but there are times where its bullying disguised as TL#i know this is the 'ummm why dont you have friends party and socialize more???' website but idk. it could not be!#anyway proud of myself for not freaking the fuck out during a conversation at the collectors store today#proud of myself for being able to goof off in public and proud of myself for staying the fuck home when i wann stay the fuck home
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Annoying genderqueer ND moment: Kinda wanting to chop off my hair bc of sensory issues but also (sometimes) loving how it looks longer.
#Eli Speaks#Im getting *this* close to pulling out the clippers#i know its gonna start getting cooler soon but im still prob gonna need to pull my hair back a lot#and hair ties have been giving me a headache lately#i like how it looks both long and short#but ive been craving gender lately and buzzed hair gives good gender feels#but i also have had some hair thinning which also makes me hesitant to buzz it#im thinking maybe meeting half way and just cutting but not buzzing it#but im also not confident in doing that myself#idc if it comes out kinda shitty tbh but id at least like to get something im *happy* with#theres a queer hairdresser in my area i reached out to so lemme wait to hear from her first#i havent gotten my hair done by someone else in years#but this stylist seems cool and i like her style and her prices are really good#and i actually have a small bit of disposable income so i kinda wanna treat myself#cause my stress and anxiety lately have been Not Fun#i need some fun self care and good gender feels!!#anyway
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