#can i be honest.. besides the anxiety/depression im sure i have.. i think i have adhd or something like that.. i cannot be normal

[kiimmyko]

All kofi slots filled! Thank you very much ^^

I've also done some thinking. I know what I want to do for a portfolio and I would like to work on it- but doing commissions full time on top of it might not be the best plan for me.

1st option is bumping up the prices again and possible add-ons for color. The quality for sketch illustrations has continued to increase since i first opened them. I just need to improve on my motivation and speed of getting them done

2nd option is taking a pause on full time art again. Finish what work I have now and do a part time job while making up a portfolio.

I thought sharing my thought process lately would make me feel better, but I kept finding myself lost in my wandering thoughts and feeling helpless. So I'll end it here. I dont even know where I was going with this.

I just want my art career to work man. That's all.

[domthedevil]

AHHHH SO CUTE, how about doing mammon next?

Of course our first man is excited to do this hahaha. Mammon is truly the most honest about his feelings for MC so I got all soft.

Be Gentle pt 6

Warnings: Mammon x afab!mc, loss of virginity

Mammon was furious. The fact that anyone else thought they had a chance of being your first was absurd. He was your first pact. He was your first friend. And you were his first love. There was no way he’d let anyone trivialize your wants and needs. Even if he wasn’t fully aware of it himself. So when he shouted the loudest and left the most dramatically, the other brothers could tell how upset he was. But they let him be. Too busy continuing a new conversation.

In his room, Mammon sat on the edge of his bed. Mindlessly scrolling through Akuzon for something, anything to take his mind off how angry his brothers had made him. But soon that anger turned to anxiety. Maybe you wouldn’t choose him. No matter how hard he fought to be your number one, maybe he still wasn’t...

A chime on his phone snapped him out of the depressive thought. Smiling a little, he opened the message you had just sent him.

“Are you busy?”

“Nope. What’s up?”

“I’ve been thinking about something, and I wanted to ask you a question.”

A question you couldn’t text? He frowned a moment, not sure what to say or what to expect.

“I’m in my room. C’mere.”

As soon as he sent the text, Mammon rushed to tidy his room. Cleaning was just too much, but he could at least move his dirty clothes off the bed and put his magazines in a neater pile. He froze when he heard you knock. Using a second to compose himself, Mammon slowly answered the door. Giving his confident grin he swung the door open.

Taking a step back you laughed at how eager he seemed, despite knowing he was probably preparing his room before answering. Wasting no time, you headed straight for his bed to sit down. You patted the spot next to you. Taking his hands in yours you placed a gentle kiss on his cheek. You knew you were ready the moment you saw his reddened face.

“.....” Mammon was speechless. Absolutely lost for words as his face felt like fire. Your request was expected and yet not.

“Do you...not want to?” Your meek question snapped him out of his daze.

“N-no! I mean yes! I mean- ugh!!” Mammon pulled you I to a tight embrace. “I...I love you MC. I’ll be gentle.”

You felt yourself sink into the mattress as he rested beside you. Slowly you turned to face him, both of you leaning in for a few soft kisses. Looking into your eyes for any doubt, Mammon kissed you more cautiously than you’d have liked. Taking initiative, your hand rested against his chest while the other ran down his side. Like an invitation, Mammon’s eager hands traced your body with a methodical but clumsy touch.

“I wanna touch you more.” Mammon’s heated whisper cut through the sounds of your kissing and heavy breathing. Shedding your clothing, he watched as you tossed each article aside. Moving so that you were under him, the demon ran his fingertips in light trails from your chest to your thighs. A shiver ran over as you felt his eyes burning into you.

“M-Mammon...” he snapped out of yet another daze. As he locked lips with yours he made quick work of his own jacket and shirt. Not wanting to spoil the surprise just yet as he worked you up more and more, he stopped just after removing his pants. But you could see the strong outline of his hardening length. You could feel yourself getting wet as he began to touch you more roughly.

Nipping and biting at your neck, Mammon distracted you from his roaming hands on your chest. Your arms wrapped around his neck as he teased you. He felt your hips buck against his cock, still barely separated from his underwear. You heard a deep growl as he moved his face lower. Sucking and leaving small marks as he ducked between your legs. Now your hands tugged at his snowy locks, pulling gently as his tongue lapped at your sensitive clit. A small jolt of pleasure shot through your core as he slowly, teasingly prodded the hood of your clit. Dragging out each sensation. Your thighs pressed against his head as he added his fingers into the mix. Suckling your pearl, his finger tips coated themselves in your slick; he began moaning at how wet you were.

You whispered how good it felt. How he was stretching you and touching places you’d never felt before. His hips rutted against the bed while you spoke. Mammon was getting desperate for attention. He hovered above you once again as his fingers moved faster, curled higher. Your expression was irresistible. Eyes half shut, mouth slightly open, panting and breathing heavy. All at his touch.

“I can’t take ya whisperin like this...MC...”

“I’m ready. I want it.” Your confident tone reassured him once again.

Kissing you soft at first, but quickly gaining momentum Mammon removed his underwear. You watched as his impressive cock moved between your folds. Spreading your legs wide for him, you got a much clearer view. You could see the way his dick glistened with your essence. Parting from you to meet your eyes, Mammon pressed himself against your entrance. Slowly, too slowly, he pressed the head of his dick inside you. It was nothing at first, but the sudden and sharp pain startled you as he kept moving. Trying not to make a sound was too much, the whimper you let out scared him too.

“M-MC! Are ya okay...?”

You nodded, now that he had given you a moment to adjust you could feel the pleasure of being full. With a wide smile you kissed his cheek.

“It feels good now, you can move.”

You heard him audibly gulp.

“Fuck that’s hot. Lemme know if...it’s too much.”

Mammon’s hips moved in gentle waves inside you. The feel of his entire length burying in you had you clutching the sheets. But yours eyes stayed open and focused on his. His deep colored eyes made a fire in your core build. He would always be your first man now.

“Mammon...it feels tight. And...full.”

Any comment you made had him thrusting deeper insider you. Leaning down he kissed and nibbled at your chest. Tasting your skin turned him on so much, and the glisten of sweat on you only added to your flavor.

He hissed as his hips unconsciously moved faster. Your moans grew louder as he tried his best not to. He wasn’t sure what kind of sounds he would make, obviously over excited for this moment. Your bent legs pressed against his waist as he moved. Mammon’s fingers intertwined with yours against the bed. The extra leverage helped his hips move faster. Though his pace was even, his cock seemed to hit a new spot every time. Your lips chanted his name while your voice cracked. The warmth from your core began to spread like wildfire.

“Harder...”

Mammon obliged immediately, loving the way your walls squeezed around him. He could feel how badly your body wanted to come.

“I’m so hot. Mammon I feel like I’m close.”

“Yeah? You like getting fucked like this?”

“M-Mammon...”

Your whine was all he needed. He wanted to tease you more, say dirty things to you while you both got closer to climaxing. But he promised to be gentle. This time at least. His words definitely stirred something in you. Made your toes and fingers tingle. Mammon’s cock hit deep inside you at a relentless pace. He was overindulging, but he was the Avatar of Greed.

“Come for me MC...I’ll come with ya.”

Pressing your lips against his neck, you couldn’t help biting him slightly as your body shook and quaked around Mammon’s cock. Feeling it so deep made your whole body sensitive. His hips continued to move and drove you insane. It felt good but too good. The spasming inside you grew in intensity. Mammon let out a low grunt and buried himself inside you again. His moan was almost a gasp as he released his thick seed into you.

Mammon composed himself with a quick shake of his head. Your face was a mix of pleasure and exhaustion, but his worried expression made you laugh.

“Hey! Don’t laugh!” His flustered state returned as he hugged you tightly, hiding his face in your neck. “...you’re not suppose to laugh...”

“Not at you. Im just...really happy.”

Mammon met your warm gaze again. Seeing your soft expression he kissed you deeply. Showering your cheeks in small pecks. Your arms held him just as tightly, and this time you hid your face in his neck.

“Can we...do it again?” Mammon couldn’t see your face, but he felt the heat on your cheeks.

“O-of course! THE Great Mammon is always ready.”

This is a continuation of a request, read more here:

Be Gentle (Levi x AFAB!MC)

Be Gentle (Belphegore x AFAB!MC)

Be Gentle (Satan x AFAB!MC)

Be Gentle (Beelzelbub x AFAB!MC)

Be Gentle (Asmodeus x AFAB!MC)

[savnofilter]

hey guys, i just wanted to speak up about something because i have been getting questions if i was well and stuff and im not really sure these days. mainly because i have become uncomfortable on this blog.

and i beg that people who dont like me, please do not spread things about me please or this because i thought i owe this to my followers.

the reason as to why i feel uncomfortable is because it really dawned upon me that being here doesnt make me happy anymore. and you could see in how flat my writing has become, or how my behavior often changes from happy to sad/low in a quick second.

and since after the summer, being on here has been almost terrible for me. like i use to have many friends, many people i talked to or felt like i created a bond with a lifetime, just kind of up and left me in the dust. while i finally took the time to focus on me for once, they used it against me, they got mad at me and its just hard to keep quiet about since it has always been my goal to talk about my feelings and now i dont think i can anymore, as to why im writing this to you guys tonight..

i will not get into depth (or specific) about it because i feel like the more i try to explain myself, the more twisted it becomes. and instead of helping me, it hurts me.

over the few months, i found when i was taking breaks to be happier. 

and its not the thought of you guys, it was more of like the lingering feeling of the way i was treated by people lingering on my blog. and im afraid if i feel like this still holds truth, i will be leaving this blog sooner or later.

in truth, i feel like ive been mistreated or even to the point where my feelings were so construed that it felt like i have been gaslighted over and over and over again. and honestly i am not as mentally or emotionally mature as many people on here, and some of them know that but it was never regarded.

im sad that this experience has come to this, because i really loved interacting, interacting with everyone and sharing my stories, but with the bad experiences on here has even turned my love/passion for writing down -- and even watching anime. i feel reminded every time i see certain blogs all over my feed, or like “hey im safe with these group of people” then they would pop up again. i felt like im some sort of villain or like an unintelligent-idiot who cant think for themselves. and while people who brainlessly follow those people can blindly hate me is fine, because i will never change who i am for anyone. ever. and i hate having to make posts like these because i feel bad for being so angsty and not being the sav that you guys know because while the brand “savnofilter” or “sav” is an extension of me, i sometimes feel so detached because of how shut out ive fell in this fandom for like 5 months now.

and i sincerely apologize to any new followers, i use to not be this down all the time but it really has been brought to my attention that the only social media that has heightened my anxiety, my depression, and even a part of illnesses i thought went away has resurfaced all because of what has happened associated to this blog.

whether it be being shut out and begging for help from the people i thought would be friends, or that i was kicked to the curve simply because i was not in the right state of mind and basically told me it was my fault for being that way.

and when it was fun, when i had friends it never felt like a chore for me on here. but as i lose support like that, it just hurts even though i have someone who stays beside me all the time. once you lose that, that, ground you start to compare yourself, like normal human nature i think. i started too look at my blog and be like “why arent i getting as much as before, what am i doing wrong, what is so bad about my stuff thats good with theres”. and part of the factor was that its odd, because it wasnt even a place of jealousy. it was one of, how did i fall to be so unimportant? so... immaterial. and it was like, each writer i fell out with, everyone just followed them and im left here trying my best to fill in their spots because i missed having that friend group, or friends with me. the only who really cared for me even with the biggest arguments and hoenstly it was because they were the only the one that cared for me. and i am not trying to cause discourse so please do not contact other people about this.

and as much as i stay at this point to irk the people who want me gone, i feel like the subtle unintentional (or intentional) bad vibes being brought to me is choking me up. and its doing well.

it just, it was so odd being treated like actual shit. like dog dooky shit. like if i was the poop on the sidewalk that you walk around and wonder who fucking took that massive shit, shit. and i was afraid to speak up about it because i was afraid of the backlash id get for having fucking feelings. 

from someone who went through some shit when i was younger, and built this barrier, to being repeatedly told over and over again that my feelings are invalid, to have people to tell me “i wont do that too you” and then do it to me just made me grow as a person. or die as a person. im not sure yet.

not only was it a mixture of people leaving me for shitty reasons, it was how stupid this fandom got. yeah, stupid. completely idiotic. of course there are people who sense-ful(?) and i love you a lot for it. but like ive said before, its unfair, there is no love like there use to be. people arent how they use to be. people put on a show, but once behind close doors its completely different. and if youre thinking of anyone in specific, youve got some shit to reevaluate. 

i was so scared to talk about it before because i was so scared at the backlash id get because i was so tired for being the hurt one and being called the bad guy. and im not blind to me being a bitch, but when i feel like ive done something im upfront about it. im rambling but this happens when i finally let my thoughts out.

and if ive been truthful, ive fallen out of my routine with meeting up with my therapist which may one of the reasons i let it run on this long without really getting a clear conscience. and like ive said before, i had thought it had to do with my life but honestly the only grief i get is being on here. 

to be honest, i have projects and requests i really want to complete before i even leave. so maybe its a while before i leave, maybe if it gets too much i’ll just go. i do not know. but 2020 is the year i finally want to take my own health over everyone else before i did before. and even with how hurt i am, i still hold so much love for these people. so much. but ive always been too loyal.

i am sorry for this sorrowful note, but i do not know how much longer i will stay. i love you all, have a blessed night.

[nights-pdf]

a/n: this is my first time writing something and feeling good enough to post it. id appreciate any and all constructive criticism. ik im not the best writer and i want to get better so pls share and help me out. ty. i hope you enjoy.

warnings: depression & anxiety are both mentioned. i dont think i went too far into detail but pls be aware for your mental health. also kinda angsty.

roses: a.i.

Ashton and I have never been one for secrets, or at least I didn’t think we were, but things have been different. He has been ignoring me for almost three weeks now, only talking to me when I show up at his house, demanding to at least see him. To see that physically he’s okay. Mike and Luke will only talk to me if I don’t bring him up. As soon as I mention Ashton they suddenly ‘have to go’ and hurry to hang up. Cal will continue to talk to me but he totally ignores whatever questions I ask about him.

I was on Instagram and I saw Ashton on Luke’s story, the first time I’ve seen him in a week and a half. That’s how I ended up on Luke’s porch, working up the courage to ring the damn bell. He hasn’t left you with any options. He’s ignoring you, your other friends aren’t hanging out with you, he brought this on himself.

I press the doorbell, listening to the soft chime echoing in the house and I hear fast approaching footsteps. “Coming!” A voice calls out and within seconds the door is pulled open and I catch Sierra’s bright smile. 

“Dee, I- hi.” She says, her smile faulting and my heart breaks. I was hoping she wasn’t here. I was praying that she didn’t listen to me cry about my fear of losing Ashton and then play board games with him the next day. But she was. 

“This was stupid.” I mumble quickly, fighting off the tears that are threatening to spill and Sierra reaches out for my hand. 

“No, no, it’s not stupid.” She consoles and I shake my head, yanking my hand out of reach.

“I’ll leave you guys to yourselves. Just, um, just tell him that I’m sorry— for whatever I did.” I tell her with a tight smile. 

“Si! What are you doing, it’s your turn?!” Ashton shouts from deeper in the house. 

“Give me a minute!” She says quickly, stepping out onto the porch with me and closing the door. “I’m so sorry, I wish I could’ve explained it all to you, but it wasn’t my place. I tried literally parent trapping you and Ashton but he always canceled and I— it’s no excuse, but I’m sorry.” She says, her brown eyes softening and I shake my head. 

“It’s okay. It’s not your fault. I just—“ I take a deep breath, calming my anxiety while I make an arguably regrettable decision that’ll change my life in mere seconds. “I’m not gonna be in LA much longer and I thought it was insensitive to just drop that in the group chat or something.” I tell her and her eyes widen.

“What? You’re— you’re leaving?” She asks and I nod. “What about the boys? The band— I mean you’ve been a crew member forever.” She adds and I shake my head. 

“It’s hard working with a band that won’t talk to you, Si.” I tell her softly and the front door opens. Si and I both turn to see all four boys stuffed in the doorway. 

“Dee.” Luke says, clearing his throat and elbowing Calum, who’s beside him, in the stomach. 

“Hey, Dee.” Cal says and I smile softly. 

“Hey, I was— I was just leaving.” I tell them, turning around and someone catches my wrist. I turn to face Sierra and she drops my hand. 

“You tell them.” She says and I shake my head. 

“Tell us what?” Michael ask and she quirks an eyebrow. 

“I’m taking my friends offer to go on tour with her.” I tell them, turning to face the boys and my eyes catch Ashton’s. “She’s based in New York City, so I’m moving out there.” I add and Luke is the first to speak.

“You’re leaving? When?” He asks and I shrug. 

“Probably by the end of the month.” I tell him and Ashton shakes his head. 

“You’re just gonna leave? Forget the past what— six years?” He asks and I shake my head. 

“You have no right to be mad at me. You haven’t spoken to me in almost three weeks. I only know you’re okay because I see you in their stories. You want to walk away? Fine, but don’t be mad because I’m walking away too.” I tell him, brushing away the tears and he shakes his head. 

“You think I don’t miss you?” He asks softly and I shake my head. 

“Then why did you leave?! You said you’d never leave! You’d never do what they did to me! You said you’d never hurt me and I fucking believed you!” I let the tears stream down my face, not caring about anything anymore. 

“Please, I’m sorry.” He says, his eyes softening at the sight of my tears and he steps closer. 

“No,” I step back, “No, you lost that. You lost the right to be mad at me, or to console me, you all have. You could’ve been fucking honest and you all chose to lie to me and ignore me.” 

“Dee, come on, we’ve all made mistakes—” 

“You don’t accidentally lie to your friend for weeks. You accidentally spill milk, or touch a hot pan, you don’t— you chose to lie to me, you chose to push me away. That’s not a mistake.” I cut Cal off and I shake my head. 

“I’m gonna go. I’m sorry for ruining your game night.” I tell them, turning around and walking down the porch stairs, I walk over to my car, everything silent except for the heel of my boots hitting the cement. I reach my car, unlocking it and slipping it. My gaze travels to the porch, looking at the people I had grown to love like family and my eyes stop on Ashton. Luke’s arm is around his shoulder, clearly saying something to him and Ashton’s eyes meet mine. My heart breaks at his expression, the truth setting in that I had hurt him the same way he hurt me. 

The thought makes my stomach turn but I don’t have the strength to step out of my car. Instead I open spotify and start playing anything to fill the void. I pull out of the driveway, turning up the volume and trying to silence the deafening thoughts running through my mind. 

~

I’ve been packing for two weeks, and fielding calls from the boys and their management. Well all the boys except one. The one I really want to hear from. The one that would say “stay,” and I would drop everything for. 

Maybe it’s good that I’m leaving. I mean, falling in love with your best friend is a bad idea already and although I wasn’t sure of it before I am now. I loved Ashton, in the most inconvenient way possible, so maybe this space will be good for me.

Or at least that’s what I try to convince myself when I feel empty. When the anxiety and depression wins and I wake up in the middle of the night on the floor— typically the bathroom floor— with an empty stomach and pounding headache.

Then I remember Ashton always being there. Picking me up, taking care of me, loving me in the way I never thought I deserved and the thoughts send me spiraling and walking up on the floor again. 

I finish applying my lipstick, biting back the tears that I know will inevitably be shed by the end of the night, and step away from the mirror. I grab my clutch, checking for my phone, keys and wallet before strapping on my shoes and heading downstairs. 

Everyone had insisted that we had one last night out, a final goodbye and send off before I leave tomorrow morning and I had agreed. I walk out to my car and quickly start the ride to the restaurant. I focus on the music, never giving myself enough time to get lost in my thoughts and I get to the restaurant faster than expected. 

I step out of my car and spot Calum almost immediately. He’s turned around, preoccupied with something and I run up behind him, placing my hands over his eyes and he laughs softly. 

“You’re a child.” He mumbles, spinning around to face me and I drop my arms. 

“You love me.” I tell him with a smile and he opens his arms for a hug. I step into his embrace, squeezing him tightly and he does the same. 

“You look beautiful.” He says, stepping back and I smile softly. 

“Thank you.” I tuck my hair behind my ear, the curls already getting in my way and he smiles sadly. “You wanted to talk before dinner?” I prompt and he nods. 

“Yeah, I have a gift for you and a few things to say.” He says with a smile. “First, I wanted to apologize. I never should’ve lied to you and I shouldn’t have let Ashton. I was so blinded by the thought of protecting my brother that I didn’t think to protect my best friend.” He says and I shake my head.

“It’s okay, I get it, and I don’t blame any of you guys. I seriously don’t.”

“With that being said, I also wanted to congratulate you. I wish you didn’t have to leave but I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself and doing what felt right to you, no matter what. You deserve the world, Dee, but you have to take it.” He says with a soft smile and I wipe at the single tear that’s escaped. 

“This is from us— all of us— to you. No matter what happens, what you do, we’ll always be cheering you on and we will always love you.” He says, pulling a velvet box out of his pocket and handing it to me. I carefully take it, giving him my clutch to hold and opening the box to see a delicate, silver necklace, a beautiful rose hanging off it and I smile warmly. It’s almost an exact replica of Ashton’s tattoo and I don’t know if they did it on purpose, but I want to believe they did. 

I can see Ashton pointing out the necklace with a smile, fully knowing how similar it is to his tattoo and the rest of the group agreeing, simply because of my love of roses. I brush away the invisible tears at the thought, choosing that no matter what the story actually is, that’s what it’ll mean to me.

“Cal,” I whisper softly, looking up to meet his eyes and he smiles despite the tears filling his eyes. 

“You like it?” He asks and I nod.

“I love it.” 

“Here, let me put it on you.” He suggests and I nod. We trade off once again and I spin around, pulling my hair up with one hand and he slips it around my neck. “Done.” He whispers when he clasps it and I let my hair fall. I spin back around with a bright smile and he nods. 

“Thank you.” I tell him, toying with the small rose and he nods.

“It was a group thing but everyone agreed that they’d cry like babies so it was decided that I’d give it to you.” He says with a smile and I giggle. “Ready to head in?” He asks, opening his hand for me to take and I nod slowly.

“I just— is he in there?” I ask him, unsure of what answer I’m hoping for and he slowly shakes his head. 

“Luke, Mike and I all tried to get him to come but he wouldn’t.” He says and I nod slowly. I place my hand in his, giving him a tight squeeze before nodding again, this time with more confidence. 

“Let’s go.” I tell him and he nods. We both walk into the restaurant, being led straight to our table after Calum gave the hostess his name. 

“Dee! You look so good!” Sierra says as soon as she sees me and I embrace her in a tight hug. 

“Thank you.” I whisper, holding her tight and she does the same. After we separate, I go around the table, hugging everyone and finally I sit down. There’s an empty seat at the end of the table— the seat that had been saved for Ashton— and the sight breaks my heart. Every time Michael or Crystal address me I have to fight my hardest to not look at the seat and break out into tears.

Despite the nagging reminder that Ashton isn’t there, dinner is amazing and after bidding my goodbyes, I step outside and feel a few drops of rain. I step back, underneath the overhang provided by the restaurant and Calum appears next to me. With almost impeccable timing a crack of thunder is heard and it starts pouring. 

“How many times is this gonna happen to us?” Calum asks, shrugging off his jacket and lifting it over our heads. 

“I’m starting to think this is just gonna be Our Thing™.” I joke and he laughs loudly. 

“Ready?” He asks and I shake my head. 

“Let me take off my heels.” I tell him and he nods. He offers his arm as stability and I start working my heels off.

“Good idea.” He mumbles. I eventually get both heels off and with my clutch and heels in hand and Calum’s jacket over us we run off into the rain. “Are you gonna get home safe?” Calum asks as we reach my car.

“I’ll be okay.” I tell him and he nods. 

“Text me.” He mumbles quickly as I open my door. He presses a quick kiss to my cheek before running off and I get into my car. I start the ride to my house, driving slower this time because of the rain and finally, in the peace of my own car, I let go and feel the tears falling. 

I couldn’t tell you if I’m crying because I’m leaving or Ashton not showing up. Or maybe it’s because the talk Calum and I had before dinner. Or the fact that I always run when things get difficult. I don’t know what it is, but once the tears start they don’t stop and when I stop in front of my house I don’t bother pulling into the driveway. Instead I keep driving, finding myself heading towards the hills and I calm down at the prospect of fixing everything. 

I just have to be honest. Honest about everything and maybe, even if things aren’t the same, they’ll be better. I just have to tell him the truth. I just have to tell him that I love him.

I run out of my car as soon as it’s in park, sprinting up the unnecessary long path to his front door and I ring the doorbell, feeling a surge of confidence, anxiety and impatience all at once. I fold my arms over my chest, trying my best to warm up but it’s nearly impossible when my dress and hair are absolutely soaked. I try the doorbell again, the confidence waning and anxiety and impatience doubling. 

“C’mon, Irwin. Please.” I mumble under my breath, reaching into my clutch to grab my phone and I quickly dial his number. Unshockingly it goes right to voicemail and I groan loudly. “Irwin, stop being a dick, it’s pouring and I’m freezing.” I mumble, stuffing my phone back in my clutch and ringing the doorbell again. And again, and again, until he finally pulls the door open. 

“I told you I’m not fuckin—” The words die on his tongue when his eyes land on mine. 

“Dee? What are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be at dinner?” He asks, snapping out of his thoughts and I take in the details of his face. The bags under his eyes are more prominent then they’ve probably ever been and my heart breaks at the thought. His eyes look a bit darker, like they always did when he was upset and I shake my head, pulling myself out of those thoughts. 

“I, um, I needed to talk to you.” I tell him and he quirks an eyebrow.

“You didn’t get it all out before?” He bites and I shake my head.

“I’m here to apologize, okay? I’m sorry for whatever I did, I’m sorry for whatever made you hate me and if I could I would go back and fix it all but I can’t. All I can do is apologize and pray to whoever will listen that you won’t hate me for the rest of your life.

“I’m sorry if I pushed you too hard or asked for too much from you. I’m sorry that I was selfish because I was. I took and took and took from you because it was easy, because you made me feel loved and I never felt that before. I’m sorry if I loved too hard or I made things difficult. I’m sorry for every possible thing I did that would have pushed you away. 

“But I’m not sorry for loving you. I’m not sorry for giving you everything I could. I wish things could’ve ended differently but I’m not sorry for falling in love with you. I won’t ever apologize for that, Ashton, because I did, I loved you in the most unconventional way possible and I loved every second of it too.” I tell him, not caring about the tears that escaped and I feel a weight lifted off my shoulders. 

“That’s all I had to say: I’m sorry, and I love you.” I tell him finally happy after weeks of feeling miserable. Happy because I spoke my truth and no matter what happens next, I know I tried and that’ll have to be enough. I spin on the heels of my feet, walking away from his door and almost halfway to my car I feel a tug on my hand. Ashton spins me around, his hands coming up to my cheeks and his lips are on mine. 

Once the shock wears off, my hands cup his cheeks, pulling him impossibly closer as I kiss him back. His tongue runs over my sealed lips and I don’t hesitate to let him in. My hands slip into his hair, tangling into the rain-soaked knots and he slowly pulls away. “Come inside,” He breathes into the air between us and I nod. 

“Okay.” I whisper and he smiles softly. 

“I love you too, darling. I always have.” He whispers and I press my lips to his once more.

[acelikesturtles]

“Ice Cream Sunday”

Prompt: Depression Comfort One-shot feat. Olivia & the Turts

Warnings: Lots of internal reflection about depression and mental health stuff. Also there’s like one curse word, maybe more, I don’t remember??

Word Count: 1,783

A/N: The formatting on the original post got royally FUCKED as always and near gave me a heart attack when I realized what I did. Hope you don’t mind @dw-im-just-sad​! I also hope that there are sunnier days ahead for you, I too have been struggling with a depression episode recently (which is part of why the drabble for this prompt is coming in a little later than I’d have liked it to), so I definitely know at least some of the feeling. <3

Lazy Sundays were normally pretty good in Olivia’s mind.

The lack of obligations, the peace and quiet paired with the promise of a more fun night ahead when the boys got finished training or doing whatever it is they did during the day. Today’s Lazy Sunday didn’t feel as good though, if anything it made her feel worse the more that she was a part of it. Staring up at the ceiling of the lair, her mind felt simultaneously numb and tired while still managing to be alive with an uncomfortable amount of unaddressed emotions.

Aside from the laid back bliss that came with a Lazy Sunday, this was supposed to be her happy place. Although the initial experience of the stench when she came in was (and always would be) unforgiveable, her nose became adjusted to it until it was practically background noise amidst the experience of being with the turtles. Their little home environment was always so loving and warm, a spot where she could escape or run away from a world that felt so harsh and anxiety-inducing and instead surround herself with people that eased her into smiling even when life was at its most difficult.

Even if the lair was usually a safe and happy place for her, it didn’t mean that it cancelled out the rest of her own very prominent emotions, particularly right now. Reluctantly, Olivia had to admit that this was probably her depression again, baring its teeth and looking for a fight that she didn’t have the energy to start. It wasn't like it ever went away when she met the boys, if anything it just enjoyed burying itself like an ostrich in the sand when they were around before pulling its head back up when they weren't. It didn’t quite like company as much. After all, it was infinitely easier to take her down when she was alone.

Blinking slowly, she recognized that while there may not have been one singular reason for the depression to start bubbling up, its persistence despite her attempts at distracting herself from it probably meant that it would be there to stay for a while, or at least until she found a big enough distraction to offset the emotions and the experiences. The boys had said they wanted to run a movie marathon once the day’s activities were over, so that would probably help. Or at least she hoped it would.

Olivia ran her hand down her face and let out a deep and shaky breath. The weight of her own emotions started nudging her closer to tears, and she gave in rather reluctantly. She tried to be quiet, only letting one or two tears out so she wouldn’t break into a full out sob. This wasn't the place to cry and be sad, this was the party pad and nobody cries when they're in the party pad, Mikey had said it himself one time.

Right as she was about to get up off the couch she had been curled up on to get herself a glass of water, her eyes quickly met with Mikey's. He was hovering over her now, a few beads of sweat on his forehead running down the side of his face. Their training session must have been particularly brutal today if even Mikey was sweating. Normally that was reserved for Donnie, he tended to get winded a little bit faster given the brutal workout routine Splinter kept them on.

"Are you crying, dude?"

"No," Olivia said defensively. She sat up so she wouldn't have to feel like she was under a magnifying glass quite as much as she did with Mikey peering down at her from over the back of the couch. "I'm tired, that's all."

"Nah, nah, dude you were crying, I can see it in your eyes they’re all red and stuff," Mikey seemed really insistent with one hand reaching for and firmly grasping her shoulder. His face seemed more empathetic than it did confrontational. "What's wrong? You can talk to me."

"I-"

A jumbled mess of every last thing that had ever felt wrong or ever been wrong throughout her entire life flashed in front of her mind. It wasn’t like one specific reason stood as the answer to why she felt like this, it was more like an unfortunate combination of it all that left her drained, and had been leaving her drained for years now. She frowned, then looked down at her jeans and began picking at the worn frays of denim at the bottom of her pant legs. Talking about it would just get complicated, especially to Mikey. He oozed pure light and joy almost all the time, would he really understand what this kind of thing felt like?

"Seriously Mikey, its not that bad, just feeling kinda off I guess. I'll be okay."

Mikey narrowed his eyes at her before thrusting himself over the back of the couch and onto the cushions to join her. Clearly he wasn’t buying it. “Its okay to cry, I do too,” He said softly. His own openness to admitting his emotions was remarkable seeing as . “He wouldn’t wanna admit it, but Raph does too at those puppy commercials.”

“ASPCA Ads.” Donnie interrupted through a sigh. He had been sitting in his desk nearly the entire time, typing away at something important while monitoring the security cameras. As for how he managed to get out of today’s training, she didn’t know, but he at least had seemed to be enjoying his little vacation time away. He got up from his chair and plopped himself down criss-cross on the floor in front of them, whispering, “Sometimes we gotta flip the channel cause he gets all worked up seeing them. But you didn’t hear that.”

Olivia couldn’t help but smile, even if it was just a weak smirk that tugged at the corners of her lips. That sounded like Raph alright, the boy had a soft spot for pit bulls and other big tough seeming dogs and seeing them suffering in kennels all alone would probably pull at every last heartstring he didn’t even know he had.

“I better not have heard you say what I just think I did.” The now looming shadow over her spoke. She turned her head and saw it was Raph, who only peeled his eyes away from Donnie for a moment to look down at Olivia. Suddenly the thought of beefing with Donnie outside for embarrassing him didn’t seem as important to him once he caught sight of her puffy and reddened eyes. “Are you crying?”

“Fine.” She gave in. “Yeah, I am, but its fine, seriously. Don’t worry about it.” Olivia sighed. “Sometimes I...I don’t know, I just feel like this, no reason to worry.”

“Nah, I ain’t worrying, just wanna make sure its not because of one of these two knuckleheads.” Raph responded coolly before shoving at Mikey playfully and pushing him off the couch so he could sit. “Why are you feeling like that though?”

“I don’t know,” Olivia sighed. “I just do sometimes. It doesn’t really ever go away, just subsides for a little while."

A couple moments of silence filled the air, only punctuated by the sounds of Leo's footsteps as he joined the conversation and sat down beside Donnie. "What's going on?" He asked, looking from brother to brother.

"Olivia's been feeling super sad and its bumming her out." Mikey answered, rolling onto his back.

Great. Now everybody was on her case. Olivia braced herself for the long and draining conversation that was bound to be ahead about why she was actually sad and why she had depression when her life “wasn't as bad as some other people”. She had heard it all before and none of it helped, it only made her feel worse, like she was a weight that everyone else was forced to carry.

"Is there any way we could help?" Leo asked. His expression seemed genuine, as if he was coming from a place of understanding rather than judgement. As her gaze drifted over each brother she noticed a similar strain of understanding and friendly compassion behind their eyes (except for Mikey, who was still laid back on his shell waving his arms back and forth as if he were making snow angels.) Even the usually closed off Raphael, who seemed particularly invested in what she might suggest.

Olivia didn’t really know what would help if she was honest with herself, but maybe there was some merit behind the thought that their genuine desire to help her could take the edge away for the time being or push her out of the storm clouds she had been sitting under. Her gaze once again drifted across the room to each turtle, hesitating to answer as she parted and closed her lips again. What would help?

“I don’t know.” She answered truthfully, feeling a little embarrassed at her own lack of an answer yet again. There had to be something, she just didn’t know what it was, couldn’t place her finger on it. Crawling out of one of these depressive episodes was a process, not something that happened overnight.

“That’s okay!” Mikey said, now sitting back up and pointing a set of finger guns at her. “We can help until you do know.”

"We could all use a little company when we're not feeling good." Don smiled.

“Not going anywhere until you’re feeling better.” Raph nodded in agreement.

Small waves of relief washed over Olivia’s body. The numbest parts of her mind began to feel a little more warm and relaxed. The turtles didn’t know the full extent of how much their friendship meant to her, or the positive effect they had on her most crushed and beaten down psyche. Despite maybe not entirely understanding, they were still able to offer a hand out in peace, something that reminded her of why she so often called the lair her second home. This was a happy place, a party pad, a place to have a good time like Mikey always said. But Olivia saw another side of the lair too now.

This could be a place where she was able to cry and feel her emotions while still having a support system at her side by the end of the day.

Although she still felt pretty shit, Olivia finally had something on her mind that she felt like could help her, even if it was just a little. “Movies and ice cream.” She said softly, rubbing her puffy eyes. As Mikey excitedly got up to fulfill the ice cream part of her request, she shouted after him.

“Two scoops!”

[nepheloma]

tw suicide mention

my explore page showed a post that was a planned suicide note today. Don't mean to hijack such a sad and traumatic incident, but it unavoidably put me into thoughts.

Besides hoping that they find the person who made it safe and sound, I couldn't help but remember the time when i had such a note planned. I didn't have the guts to actually do it and I'm utterly thankful for it but, man, is the mind a prison. For some people, me back then as well, living in ourselves is like living locked up with an abuser, someone who speaks to us in ways worse than most real life people have. And it doesn't stop there, because there is a whole new filter with which we interpret what the whole world says to us as well -everything contributing to meaninglessness and self hate, even though this might not have been their real intention.

I can still feel the remnants of this past self, hiding somewhere in there, silent for a long time, or at least overshadowed by other things. There is still this abusive language sometimes, or the sense of insecurity -the sense of feeling unsafe more than the sense of not feeling adequate- and there is also the sense of disconnection with the rest of the world -especially my friends, who my mind is especially suspicious of. As if they're always somehow against me, hiding behind kind words. Im not even really sure why I think that to be honest.

I have been numbing myself down a lot this past year and I think it's been happening because the demons are getting louder. It's not the same demons as before -they have mutated, just as I have. But I've been trying to forcefully silence my brain and it's fighting back. I haven't gone to my therapist in a long time and I really should, but I have this irrational fear that she will be angry at me.

For a person who claims to be rational, my thoughts sure are pretty irrational. I guess that's the whole thing with mental issues -not illnesses: I am not mentally ill. I am not, really, definitely not anymore, besides some remnants of anxiety. Our brains are so fallible, and I think I just need to come to terms with that. I'll never have a perfect brain, but I can train the brain I have to speak better to me. We can find our way to live together in a healthy relationship. In the past, it was all fighting. Now it's just distancing. Distracting myself so that I don't have to talk to it.

Okay, I just realised that this is the same evolution of the relationship I have with my parents, which is pretty wild and fucked up and I don't even know what it means. Maybe it's just coincidence and not correlation. Maybe it's not.

There's no ending point or conclusion to draw in this post. The only thing there is is sadness for all of those we've lost to depression and mental illness. How I wish I, or anyone, could have helped any of you.

[tumblunni]

Misc thoughts of rambling development for my new yokai watch ocs family of hugs and sadness (blythe the Dimmy and amber the Gorgeous Ambassador)

* Amber was totally still Gorgeous Ambassador at heart even back when he was human. I feel like he probably dressed very plain and was very self concious for a long time, as well as also being poor as dirt so it wasnt really easy to be super fashion time. Perhaps the only way he was really able to be remotely flambouyant or pretty was just having a long ponytail that he was very proud of. It would have been easier to maintain a shorter hairstyle when you're struggling to even find somethibg to eat each day let alone a bath, but it just helped him hold on to a tiny bit of confidence. Even when he reincarnated as Gorgeous Ambassador he was still unconfident for a long time and it took all these centuries to fully embrace The Power Of Gorgeous. He was probably really shocked when he got his medal registered and heard his new yokai name, like uhh excuse me "must beautiful man who spreads beauty through the world with his smile" are you sure there hasnt been a mixup??? And nowadays he's become so happy with himself that he maybe dresses a little bit gaudy sometimes, but if you saw how he used to feel then you'd absolutely be cheering for him!

* he was probably worried that Blythe wouldn't recognise him when he finally managed to reunite with them, but i think the lil shadow ghost instantly knew it was their brother and ran straight into the biggest hug ever. "Im worried they'll think im all cringe and gaudy" NO UR LIL SIB IS IN AWE OF YOUR FASHION POWER AND HAPPY FOR YOUR CONFIDENCE

* I also think Amber would absolutely be proud of how much confidence Blythe has gained through travelling with the protagonist and co. Like "aaa the last time i saw you you were so tiny and shy!" "Yes, now i'm tall and shy!" "NUUUU STOP PUTTING YOURSELF DOWN"

* basically they are absolutely Shyness Fam, and Amber just approaches his anxieties differently with over-the-top fake boasting about his greatness instead of being honest about how bad he feels. So thats why itd be so heartwarming to see him genuinely making progress and genuinely seeing good parts of himself. ALL THANKS TO THE INTERNATIONAL GORGEOUSNESS ASSOCIATION OF THE AFTERLIFE, YES *cheesy makeover ads fly by in the background*

* Dimmy's fave food is rice balls not just cos ninja monster = rice balls, but cos for Blythe specifically it brings back happy memories of backstory ninja Amber in ye olden days packing lunches of love for his tiny friend. He was always broke in between finding bountys to hunt, so he was never able to cook anything too fancy, but those simple meals became associated with childhood in Blythe's heart. All the times this big strong human swordsman would have a moment of gentleness and offer his last bit of food to a useless little yokai like them. ("No!! You're a valued part of the team!! And growing children need this more than i do!! Besides, i'm so tough i don't need to eat." *stands up for a minute and blacks out*)

* Since this backstory took place before thee yokai watch was invented, you cant technically say Amber was Blythe's previous watchholder but like.. He totally was? Same formula of being a human you partner with and then go around fighting/befriending other yokai. I like to think that maybe before yokai medals became the latest trend and they set up the whole official regulated medal registration process, yokai would still give their human friends some sort of token of their friendship but it was just less organised. Like imbuing their soul energy into all sorts of shit like This Leaf I Found or One Shoe. Which could be used in the same way to summon them but obv was less conveinient, haha! I'm thinking maybe Blythe's bond object was just a neat rock, cos they were so young and didnt really own anything else to gift to this human. Like all they had was the coal from the hearth in the house they used to haunt, but thatd be too crumbly so they dug through to find the sturdiest and prettiest rock and Amber was like straigjt up crying from how touched this whole thing made him. I WILL TREASURE THIS PEBBLE MY TINY MONSTER CHILD...

* oh but just to rub salt in the wound i think he couldnt find it again when he woke up floating over his own burned corpse in the wreckage of his final fateful battle. There uhh..wasnt much of himself left, let alone anything he was holding. Itd kinda have to be that way cos if it worked like a yokai medal itd mean Amber could have instantly reunited with his friend and cut out all of these years of sad backstory, alas

* ok but imagine the cute and sweet emotionalness of then being able to swap medals when they see each other again, and have an actual magical guarantee of never losing their family ever again.

* I feel like Amber only initially agreed to join the Gorgeous Association because he wanted to get a job in the yokai world and save up to buy a decent house and decent level of income so that there would be a hapoy home waiting for his child whenever he finally found them. He didnt really believe that he had the potential to be a fashion icon, he just went along with it as an employment opportunity in his weird new ghost life. But OH NO, accidental self confidence!! (We are all very proud of him)

* oh and the Gorgeous Association doesnt work 100% identical to the anime version, i just like the anime's general concept. I feel like Gorgeous Ambassador is indeed a yokai species and not just a title, its less 'you were chosen by random lottery' and more 'you were chosen by destiny'...? Shy people who have potential to be fashion icons just tend to end up becoming the shy-people-with-potential-to-become-fashion-icons yokai, aka this. And the Gorgeous Association takes responsibility for finding all new Gorgeouses and training them to use their new powers instead of just staying in their shyness. Its more of a self help club? Oh and also the membership is full of other types of fashion yokai too, its not just Gorgeous Ambassadors. Just its only Gorgeous Ambassadors that get visited by the president as soon as they die and given a special invitation to join. So basically interpreting Gorgeous Ambassador as more 'this yokai is named that cos its powers are about encouraging people to be more confident aka introducing them to the world of fashion'. And less the idea that all Gorgeous Ambassadors used to be a different type of yokai and you can only become one by being picked by the club lottery. And also that its just a costume with no actual powers?? That was funny in the anime but i prefer if they actually could inspirit people and make them more confident and stuff.

* I FEEL LIKE IM EXPLAINING THIS BADLY, SORRY! Ok so uhh like yknow some clubs are all exclusive entry "you are not this thing til you join"? Like you cant be a country club member til you join the country club, and the sense of comeraderie there is just all being rich enough to pay for membership rather than having anything in common. But then there's stuff like lgbt groups or mental health support groups where youre all already the same thing and thats WHY you join the club. Anime version had Gorgeous Association be a country club and Gorgeous Ambassador be just a membership name rather than a real yokai form. Which, again, was really funny but i feel like it only works in a more gag focused series like the anime. Here i'm interpreting it that you can just be born in the species Gorgeous Ambassador, same as any other yokai like jibanyan or whatever, and it actually does have its own special powers and stuff. And its just that the Gorgeous Association sends out invites to any newborn yokai that have fashion related powers. So not all Gorgeous Ambassadors actually join the Gorgeous Association. Oh and Kageusuo is the actual yokai species name for those unaffiliated ones. The anime seemed to say that kageusuo was an unrelated new yokai that isnt in the games, that was just invented to have a form that Gorgeous Ambassador had before he became Gorgeous Ambassador. But i have Other Ideas

* i'll make it a new bullet point cos im getting all disorganized now aaaa

* ok so Kageusuo (or my fanmade eng dub name Shamshade) is Gorgeous Ambassador. Same thing. Same species. Kageusuo is a yokai personifying the idea of a fashionable beautiful person who never reached their potential in life due to social anxiety/bullying. Like an 'ugly duckling' story. Their default form is this shadowy looking depressed dude because their power is that they drain shadows from people, vampire style. This makes you 'less overshadowed", so you become more confident and people notice your unique style! But kageusuo cant use its powers on itself, so a lot of them stay in this shy form forever and just continue repeating the same overshadowed life they have as a human. The fabulous form that Gorgeous Ambassador has in the games is just simply the same yokai dressing differently- a kageusuo that managed to conquer its anxieties from its past life and take steps to embrace its true self! But theyre not actually any different in terms of powers, theyre still shadow vampires and their power to make people fabulous is just them eating your shadow. It was something they could already do before they became fabulous themself, now theyre just confident enough to match their powers, yknow? And also unrelatedly there's a club called Gorgeous Association that this particular kageusuo joined, which personally helped him in his journey of self confidence so he goes by the nickname Gorgeous Ambassador to advertise it. (Which is even more nicknamed into Amber cos he thinks it sounds cute)

* WHY ARE MY HEADCANONS SO OVERCOMPLICATED AAAaa

* anyway just imagine a vampire movie but its a supermodel lurching out of the shadows groaning "I VANT TO SUCK YOUR ANXIETY" and then when he bites you you become more confident. This is a Good Concept so i will somehow find a way to use it, dammit!! *b movie music* "OH NO THE MONSTER GOT TERRY" *terry suddenly wearing applebottom jeans*

* also imagine all of that but also the dude is a weird samurai being all "wow the wonders of the future" about thos applebottom jeans

* why do all my headcanons start as angst and end up as nonsense like this

[ayoungmansthoughtlessthoughts]

about me

right now i am sitting in bed, i just watched a yes theory video that gave me the idea to do this. right now, the idea is to come here and write when i want to get things off my mind - whatever they may be.

anyways, maybe somehow people find this. i am a 20 year old male that lives in the southern united states. i was raised in an upper middle class family and currently go to college, studying computer science.

right now in life, i feel lost and worried. unsure of the future. i had been diagnosed with major depressive disorder, however have been on prozac the past 6 months and it worked wonders - both with my depression as well as social anxiety. i used to go through everyday wishing to die (passively suicidal i called it) but i finally decided to ask for help through my college's health services and its one of the best decisions ive made.

anyways, besides that, who am i? that is kinda the question i am trying to figure out as i write (and hopefully continue to write) this. my goal is to be completely honest, not filtering my thoughts in the slightest and being totally honest with myself.

like i said, i am from the south and continue to live here but i desperately want to move away, however the idea of moving away from my family and best friends does frighten me. i am not someone that i would consider good at making friends. its not that i am mean or weird - most the time i simply don't find people interesting enough or engaging enough to put into the effort to know them.

but i do want to move away eventually, i find myself more and more disconnected from the values and traditions a majority of people practice here. mainly concerning religion and political views, as well as general interests that people have. i am not interested in going to the lake every day and getting drunk on a boat. i do not want to go clubbing and stand there awkwardly for hours. i am not interested in going hunting, fishing.

to be honest, i don't know what i would consider 'fun', like i said at the moment i feel kinda lost. all i know is that i do not integrate with the people surrounding me, with the exception of course of my best friend. yes, i have other friends, but im not the same as them.

my beliefs continue to change for the most part - i was raised to be a god-fearing conservative, non-denominational christian. however by the time i was ~14 i came to the conclusion that god is not real - simply a story spun up by our ancestors to explain naturally occurring things that science at the present time could not. just like most other religions, in my opinion.

in an effort to stay truthfully honest and transparent as i write this, i keep having a recurring thought that maybe someone will read this, and maybe i will find someone like me and not feel so lost or at the very least not alone. however i am not sure if think this genuinely or if the idea of someone reading this would give me an ego boost. maybe both.

anyways - long story short - i do not believe in any supernatural beings or anything. i do not believe in a soul, none of that. i believe that eventually science will be able to explain most of everything, and if not, its simply beyond our means of understanding. not due to a higher power, simply a restriction on our intelligence.

i think that we are animals, just like any other. we were the lucky ones that somehow evolved into the ever-so-complex beings that we are and have consciousness, whatever that is.

politically - i figure i am mostly in the middle, with about a 50 percent lean to the left side of things. to list some of the things i believe in: pro-choice (not the whole killing babies vs not killing babies) i simply believe the government (nor anyone else) should be allowed to tell us what we can and cannot do with our own bodies. i believe that we should tax the ultra rich (within reason, we are a capitalist society afterall). guns - we should still be able to own pistols and the like for protection. however, no one needs a military grade assault rifle. there is a lot more that i could add to this, however, it would be too much to discuss all my political beliefs. i consider myself to be a relatively normal person in terms of political beliefs - not radicalized to either side.

one thing that i do find myself thinking about a lot is who we are as a species. i understand that it is human nature to be protective of our culture, prideful of our nationality, all that stuff. but at what point does it matter? at the end of the day, the small quibbles that we have in this lifetime really will not matter in the grand scheme of things. i know this is ridiculous to say and more than likely a cliche, but just image if we were to band together as a species. the leaps and bounds that we would be able to cross scientifically and culturally.

as i continue to think about who we are, the more i come to the realization that we are just humans. like, im not american, im a human. we are all human. humankind, i love that word. and if we could just start seeing each other as humans, we could make so much progress.

anyways, i think this post has become long enough. if somehow you found this - hello! but if the more than likely scenario of no one sees this and i am putting my thoughts out into the void, then so be it. i am doing this for me.

[fairycosmos]

hey!! im having a kinda issue? i recently went through a big bout of isolation (about uhhhh 8 months ago?) and i pretty much cut off all of my friends bc i felt shitty and toxic and like i didn’t deserve friends. i still feel bad for hurting them, and one of my old friends has recently gotten in contact w me recently about being friends again. the trouble is that 1) i feel guilty 3) i don’t wanna hurt them even more 3) i still feel like i don’t deserve friends. what should i do? :’(

hey my love. i'm really sorry for the late response and the fact that you're in this situation - it must be v difficult and confusing. i guess a good place to start would be to look for evidence - you cut all of your friends off because you FELT like a negative/toxic person, but where was the proof of that?? did you actually DO anything to hurt them prior to isolating yourself?? did they tell you themselves that you hurt them, or was that just an assumption you made?? when you're depressed, your self worth/self perception plummets greatly, your mind feeds you lies because you're easier to control when you're completely alone. the urge to hide away from the world may feel stronger and more prominent than ever, but that doesn't mean you have to act on it. this time around you can spot the warning signs of a negative bout. this time you'll have a level of self awareness, this time you'll know the difference between a depression-filled delusional thought, and the truth.friends are very very hard to come by, you know? i understand that it seems almost impossible to see beyond all of this pain and self loathing, i get that. but standing in your own way, not allowing yourself to enjoy any sort of genuine connection, won't help anyone. it's alright to feel things - guilt, unworthiness - but that doesn't mean you have to let those emotions control your life. process them, accept them, but don't take them as fact. and besides, you don't necessarily get to decide whether or not you deserve friends - i kind of think that's up to the people around you (to an extent and in this context, of course). based on how well you treat them and whether or not they want to stay in your life. which i'm assuming they do, because one of them is trying to get back in touch.look, nobody knows what's going to happen. all of the worries you have about the future of your friendship aren't premonitions, they're just your anxiety talking, trying to convince you to remain lonely. but when it comes down to it, if you don't want to hurt your friend, and you examine your own intentions honestly when interacting with them, then you probably won't be a negative influence on their life at all. it seems like they miss you a lot. and maybe they're going through something too, maybe they need someone. maybe, by actually being there for them, you'll help them far more than you could ever hurt them.i'm not sure where these feelings of worthlessness are coming from, obviously idk the details of your life or anything. but if this is a cycle you find yourself stuck in often, then i'd really really urge you to talk to someone about it if you haven't already. whether it's a counsellor, your regular doctor, a hotline, or maybe just a parent/family member to begin with. it's possible to love and care for your others, even if you don't love yourself. but loving yourself makes it so so much easier to be honest and genuine with the people in your life. if you have a somewhat healthy relationship with your own mind, then your relationships with others will reflect that. please seriously consider it, please please don't just brush the idea off. it's important. i cant understate the significance of trying to actively improve your own mental well-being. just trying, that's more than good enough. i really hope you're okay and that you feel better soon. talk to your friend, even if you're scared. it'll be okay. and message me if you ever need to talk, i'm always here.

[aplaceforthesoul]

hey so ive been in a bad situation mentally over the past few months and yesterday i had a weird.. moment of clarity? and im trying to turn back into myself again and im kind of really stressed out because i havent been a regular person or even a person at all since someone i care about died in january and it happened really suddenly and i had a single conversation with one of my closest friends about it and besides that i havent talked to anybody and. i know loss does something to a person but i honestly didnt remember who i was before until the middle of the night last night and i dont really know how to go forward. ive been beating myself up for a while about not knowing how to be normal or be the kind of friend anyone i know wants to have and i dont want to just turn on my head and become a different person but it feels like whoever ive been all this time hasnt been an iteration of myself thats supposed to exist at all? i literally just havent been able to access my mode of being that isnt a shitty broken one and i think i finally found myself back but i dont know if its possible to start being him again without making my entire life even stranger than it was before. there have also been a lot of people that have been upset or hurt by me because ive not been the friend i used to be or i havent been able to stop focusing on my problems (most of which were just things created in my head by me as someone who has struggled with depression and anxiety for a long time and it has definitely gotten worse in these past few months). anyway i just,, dont think ive honestly made a joke in months or done anything. normal in months to be honest. and i dont really know how to come back from it and thats what ive been saying for weeks but now i know what im actually trying to go back to because it feels like a lot of who i am has literally been blocked out of my memory and i unlocked it but its not like i can just switch back to who i was when ive been acting so diminished. like. i cant just flip a switch and be human again thats friggin weird. but i sure would love to give regularity a try and itd be cool if i knew how to enact that maybe??

I'm so sorry for your loss. I think you've been suffering from grief and that is what's making you feel different to yourself and those around you. You can't just flip a switch - that is an unfortunate fact of life. Sometimes we wish we could but we can't. Especially when you're going through something as traumatic as losing someone in your life. I think you need to give yourself some time to heal. Don't rush the healing process - as much as you wish you could go back to the way you were before? You need time to heal from what's happened. You are still human, you're just going through a really hard time right now. I would suggest you look into grief counselling or maybe finding a grief support group. I think it's important for you to talk about these feelings with someone and find the best way to move forward for your own sake.

You can come back from this. You will come back from this. But you really do need to get a little help with that first. You still are that person inside, it's just things seem so bleak right now it feels like you've lost your way. It's ok to ask for help, sometimes we need to do that to move forward. Counselling or therapy would definitely be a good start for you. If those types of things aren't accessible to you, support groups would be a great avenue. Being around people who understand what you're going through might help you begin to heal. Take care of yourself, don't put so much pressure on yourself to get back to 'who you were before'. Treat yourself with kindness and take all the time you need to heal. Best of luck to you.

- Bonnie

[guardians-of-blood]

More incorrect quotes! Hooray! (i will add the title later)

Ray: WHAT’S YOUR TYPE

Tsubasa: Anything, honestly, but nerds especially

Ray, desperately, as Tsubasa bleeds out: YOUR BLOOD TYPE

Tsubasa: Oh! B positive.

Ray: DONT TRY TO CHEER ME UP JUST TELL ME YOUR BLOOD TYPE

Tsubasa:

Mars: Don’t worry, I have a few knives up my sleeve.

Kuno: I think you mean cards.

Mars, pulling knives out of his sleeves: No, I do not.

Pluto: Remember when you didn't try to solve all your problems with attempted murder?

Mars: Stop romanticizing the past.

Ray: Where are you going?

Tsubasa: To get ice cream or commit a felony, I’ll decide on the way there

Kayda, in a meeting: My policy is if you see something, say something.

Vian: I saw a squirrel in a tree today!

Kayda, with the tone of someone who is used to Vian: Outstanding.

Kayda: This is what I’m talking about people.

Pyrrhus: Vian was banned from the chicken shack, so we had to go out of town to get some.

Vian: Well, they shouldn’t say “all you can eat” if they don’t mean it.

Pyrrhus: Vian, you ate a chair.

Tsubasa: Ok, maybe playing ‘whose family is most dysfunctional’ wasn’t the best idea we’ve had. Kuno's been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can’t get him out...

Nina: What's wrong with you?

Celeste: Off the top of my head, I'd say low self-esteem, a lack of paternal affection, and a genetic predisposition for anxiety and depression.

Tsubasa, texting Ray: Roses are red, Tony Hawk is a skater…

Ray′s phone, auto-replying: I’m driving right now–I’ll get back to you later.

*Later*

Ray, texting back: Fuck you.

Celeste: There is no future. There is no past. Don't you see? Time is simultaneous, an intricately structured jewel that humans insist on viewing one edge at a time, when the whole design is visible in every fact.

Burnet: ...All I asked was if you wanted to cut your birthday cake first.

Celeste: I wish I was a dinosaur.

Valkyrie: Why? Cause they're big and scary?

Celeste: Because they're dead.

Ray: I failed my safety training course today.

Tsubasa: Why, what happened?

Ray: Well one of the questions was "In case of a fire, what steps would you take?"

Tsubasa: And?

Ray: Well apparently "FUCKING LARGE ONES" isn't an acceptable answer.

Tsubasa: We all have our demons.

Tsubasa, grabbing Ray: This one’s mine.

"I’ve been sleeping so little the past few nights that when I go to the alarm app, I click on the “power nap” button. I don’t set up alarms, I set up timers, Ray."

- Tsubasa Amanogawa

Tsubasa: I have an idea.

Ray: A good idea?

Tsubasa: Let's not get ahead of ourselves.

"You know what’s funny about Ray? He's my best friend, and anyone who’d hurt him is someone I’d murder, probably."

- Tsubasa Amanogawa

Tsubasa: Alright, listen up you little shits.

Tsubasa: Not you Ray. You’re an angel and we’re thrilled you’re here.

Ray: I have no fears.

Kuno: What if one day you woke up and Tsubasa was taller than you?

Ray: I have one fear. 

*on Ellen*

Ellen: So I hear you tweet about wanting to die

Celeste: haha yeah, I do

*Death comes out, creeps up behind her*

Celeste: omg Ellen you didn't 

Kayda: Weird. All my shirts are disappearing.

Noir and Pyrrhus: *wearing Kayda’s shirts for the 5th time in a row* Spooky. 

Celeste: Does anyone have any questions?

Basil: *Stands up* Okay, well I’m sure you’ve noticed that I’ve been going through a lot lately.

Celeste: That’s not a question.

Basil: And I know you’ve often wondered: “Who is Basil, really?”

Noir: Nope, never.

Tsubasa: Until February, I thought your name was Jasper.

Basil: You know, there are times when I look out these windows, and I know you’re all thinking, “What makes the measure of this man?”

Mars: Oh my god, you’d better be dying!

Basil: Look, I’m telling you all, with pride and excitement… and a lot of pride, about the new and improved Basil. Noir, give me a beat!

Noir: Sorry, what?

Basil: When somebody asks for a beat you just, you don't ask a lot of questions. You just get down on it.

Noir: Oh, you want, like, a syncopated thing or, like, a vibey thing?

Basil: Just do it. Hmm? *Basil sings '80s pop rock song about being Bisexual*

*All the Dreamseekers stare at him*

Basil: Oh, come on. You guys aren’t weirded out because I’m bisexual, are you?

Pyrrhus: No, we’re weirded out by the fact that you interrupted the meeting to tell us that.

Celeste: Anyone have questions? Besides Basil, who seems to think that every Dreamseeker meeting is about him for some reason. 

Noir: *Having an existential crisis* Do you know… what it’s like to be afraid of yourself?

Vian, thinking about that time he ate an entire family sized bag of doritos in one evening: God dude I sure do. 

Feliks: Shit, I’m late for school!

Feliks: Oh wait, I’m 20.

Feliks: I’M A TEACHER!!! 

Vian: A spoonful of Nutella counts as lunch, right?

Pyrrhus: Vian, that will kill you.

Vian: I'm only allergic to like four things in it.

Pyrrhus: VIAN!!!!

*somewhere else*

Noir, terrified: What was that?!

Kayda: That was the call of someone who is very pissed and on a mission to fuck someone up.

Basil: So, how’d you convince all of them to betray me? What’d you offer them?

Chalcedony: I asked them if they wanted to embarrass you, and they instantly said yes.

"bitches b like “im baby” but have childhood trauma and neglect like wtf do u know about being baby u were forced to grow up from an early age anyways I’m bitches"

- Kuno Aurich

"So apparently the 'bad vibes' I’ve been feeling are actually severe psychological distress"

- Raymond 'Ray' Seidel

Vian: Yum, thanks!

Kidnapper: *puts more tape over his mouth* I said stop eating it.

Tsubasa: *writing a letter*

Tsubasa: Dear Santa,

I'm writing to let you know I've been naughty...

And it was worth it you fat, judgemental bastard.

Ray: I think you're still suffering the effects of your party last night.

Tsubasa: All I drank was Redbull!

Ray: How many?

Tsubasa: Eighteen

Tsubasa: Hey, are you okay?

Ray: Yeah.

Tsubasa: You don't look okay...

Ray: Then stop looking.

Mars: Fight me!

Pluto, standing behind him and holding a knife: *mouths* Do not.

Tsubasa: I'm going to fight the next person who insults Ray.

Ray: I hate myself.

Tsubasa: Alright, square up.

Pluto: Know why I called you in here?

Mars: Because I accidentally sent you a dick pic.

Pluto: *Stops pouring two glasses of wine.* Accidentally?

Pluto: When's the last time you slept?

Mars: Uh... a few days ago, I think.

Pluto: A few- how many?!

Mars: Uh... *starts counting on fingers* I need more fingers...

Pluto: What you need is sleep!

Kuno: When you’re gay in your house with nobody else, you’re homolone

Ray: When you’re bi and there’s nobody else around, you’re biyourself

Basil: Please stop

Feliks: Top 30 reasons Feliks is sorry. Number 5 will surprise you.

Mikael: TOP 30 ANIME DEATHS. NUMBER 1, YOUR FUCKING ASS RIGHT NOW!

Leni: Ray, are you high?

Ray: Am I what?

Leni: High.

Ray: Hi.

Pluto: So what’s for dinner?

Mars, staring at the food he just burnt: Regret.

Pluto: Am I in trouble?

Mars: Take a guess.

Pluto: No?

Mars: Take another guess.

Pluto, standing with his back turned: I’ve been expecting you, Mars.

Mars: How did you do that without turning around?

Pluto: ... To be perfectly honest, the first couple of people I did that to were not you.

Pluto: I learned some very valuable lessons from this.

Mars: I’m guessing they are all horrible distortions on the lessons you actually should’ve taken away.

Pluto: Death isn’t real, and I’m basically God.

Mars: In light of what you did for me, you can hug me for four to five seconds.

Pluto: FORTY FIVE SECONDS?!?

Mars: No! Four to five seconds!

Pluto: Too late!!!

Pluto: I was arrested for being too cool.

Mars: The charges were dropped due to a lack of supporting evidence.

Pluto: You often use humor to deflect trauma

Mars: Thank you

Pluto: I didn't say that was a good thing

Mars: What I'm hearing is, you think I'm funny

Pluto: Okay, truth or dare?

Mars: Truth

Pluto: How many hours have you slept this week?

Mars:

Mars: ...Dare

Pluto: Go to bed.

Mars: I don’t like this game.

Mars: I’m going to take you out

Pluto: great, it’s a date!

Mars: I meant that as a threat.

Pluto: See you at five!

Mars: You're the love of my life and my best friend, I would do anything for you.

Pluto: I want you to eat three meals a day and have a decent sleep schedule.

Mars: Absolutely not.

Pluto: Please, I'm begging you go to a doctor.

Mars: I'm sorry is this OUR stab wound? Stay out of it.

Pluto: Okay, help me please!

Mars: Got two words for you.

Pluto: I bet they won't be helpful.

Mars: Your problem.

Pluto: I was right

Kuno: Why did you give Luth a knife?

Tsubasa: He felt unsafe.

Kuno: Now I feel unsafe.

Tsubasa: Sorry.

Tsubasa: Want a knife?

[imafantasticbaby]

2ne-sone for this Reply

girl you write novels just like me, I respect that. now, I just wanted to say that I do NOT believe he doesn't deserve to be blamed on things that have happened within his company. I will agree he needs to fix things when it comes to better management, better PR and honestly I think he needs to kick his brother out of the CEO chair and take back the title cause his brother is another reason for things being shitty at times. 

i want to address his comments he makes sometimes. The man is brutally honest and I agree he needs GD or CL to take their perfectly manicured and moisturized hands and get a good ole slap. he needs to think before he speaks and I think a major issue for this is that he doesn't go on the media enough to learn how to control his words. Yes he does Kpop Star and survival shows but those are shows where he is use dto saying such bold and harsh criticism. if he actually put himself on other shows like JYP does then maybe he will get the practice. but still he can also learn to fucking choose his words in a way he gets his message across but also doesnt set fire to a wound. hes an idiot for this i agree.

When it comes to Park Bom I am 100% in agreement girl, I am. she deserved better treatment and this long ass “self reflection” needs to stop. It shouldnt have started to begin with and I do hold a lot of blame on YHS for that. He should have made sure things went more smoothly and the recovery was handled better. However, I cant sit here and call him a horrible person because of it because We do not know the full story as too what happened behind YG doors other than what we see in the media speculations-- the media that started the whole damn thing. there could be things we are not aware of so I cant just assume when there are blank spaces. you know? Park Bom has come out herself with a Diray entry and twitter replies saying he is a good guy and takes care of her. So, what else can we do but believe her when she says it? i dont know but I do agree he should have handled it better.

With Minzy I have mixed feelings about her that are my OWN opinions. I respect everyone else opinions too. I just believe that if she stayed then YGE would have been able to continue with a 2NE1 comeback instead of getting discouraged and just giving up on them. They deserved better then that. 

When I mean individual dreams I mean, that Minzy wanted a solo debut, YG wasnt focused on that request at the time so she left. Her Dream for a solo to happen ASAP was not in sight for her at YGE at the moment. I do agree that this should have been delt with better and management should have planned better and worked things out to fulfill this dream because she deserved it. However, It was her choice to go and thats something we have to respect and YG did so by letting her make that choice. I do think they should have rearranged priorities better and started working on giving her the solo she clearly deserved but it didnt happen. and thats a all in all Company’s  fault not one man’s.

Now when it comes to CL and her American Solo activities-- you need to separate YG from it a bit because its not YGE that is handling it on the majority. CL has signed with School Boy Records which is an American record label established in 2007 by Scooter Braun through his School Boy Entertainment company that is also in parent with Universal Music Group. They have signed artists such as PSY, for his american promotions, Justin Beiber, the black eyed peas, and more. They are handling her American promotions and her Solo career there. YG is just getting benefits and also paying them to do so. So because of that, you cant just blame YG for her solo delay. You just cant. if there was anything you could blame YGE for in regardless to this is maybe they need to kick Scooter’s  ass and tell him to hurry up.

Also, yes I am aware that Yang Hyun Suk is the biggest share holder of YG, i mean he is the creator and owner after all. but besides him Naver has majority as well. and has a lot of power and influence in the company. You gotta make your investors happy you know? or they can pull their findings. YHS does have power, I agree, he does have  influence, but he still has to take ideas and orders from his investors and all. and if it comes down to it that they want this thing or they walk then YG has to fold unless he wants to lose billions of dollars in funds.

Yes he is a higher up as well, but hes ONE person and just because hes the founder and owner doesn't mean hes the controller on every detail. there is a Board of directors whether people want to believe it or not and there are votes being held. its how a company runs.

Now I am not appreciating how you think im supporting hate on Park Bom and that I would just go to her and say  “Shit happened, its life.” you take a phrase I used in my post and just create a while thing around it because you are upset with my feelings on the matter. I wouldn’t NEVER do such a thing to her when I agree she CLEARLY deserved better treatment.

Also, im just gonna add that most statement links that get thrown at me are a PR team responding on queue. and then you have the link where YG gives his own thoughts. did you even READ the words? you completely missed his meaning. just like you are completely missing mine because you are a dedicated blackjack ( just like I am. I mean I worship them and support them like crazy and cried for weeks after they disbanded-- but anyway-- ) who is quickly upset when you see a sentence or phrase that sounds horrible against them.

Yes he said  “ What led to the decision to disband the group was the state of Park Bom’s mental health, After ‘the incident the criticisms we received were endless. But in addition to the stress and guilt from that, I’m sure Park Bom would have felt a strong determination to continue 2NE1. I told her, ‘2NE1 is important, but I wish for you to be healthy, both mentally and physically.” 

Now if you actually READ that and understand that he is saying that after the scandal broke out they were SWARMED with ENDLESS hate and most of it was Thrown at Bom. Depression hit for her and she needed a break-- a break that is going too long I agree-- and he reassured her that 2NE1 is important but he wants her to not push herself and do some self care. She was probably constantly crying because of all the hate she was getting and wasnt stable enough to work in the studio. I mean dont you feel like its impossible to do anything after an anxiety attack or something? He was concerned for her and im glad he gave her rest. BUT NOW ITS TIME FOR HER NOT TO HAVE IT. ant to be honest. I believe he had started to end her break. MAMA 2016 happened, the return of Park Bom for a short while. I believe that Performance was a statement to show that she is here and she is ready to PLAY......but then shit hit the fan with Minzy leaving, CL’s american promotions, BP;s Debut and other things and in the end a unanimous decision was made.

But it's not necessarily completely over: “You never know what can happen," he added. "It’s possible they’ll get back together like S.E.S. It may not be as long of a break [as S.E.S], but I’m thinking there’ll be a day when the reunion happens.”

This quote gives me hope that YGE will look to them once again once the time is right and if you cant believe that then thats fine. its your choice, but I will continue to have hope.  

Most of your points where not even ANYTHING I was talking about in my post and you assumed things that you thought I was meaning when I was NOT. 

“You’re assuming that the issues within the company and regarding it’s artists are not all YHS’s fault. In contrast, I’m assuming that a large percentage of the issues are his fault, considering the amount of clout he has within his own company. But here’s the kicker: we will never know if either of us are right because YHS can never give a straight answer.”

One, I agree that YG holds blame on things. I NEVER said he things are not all his fault. I was just expressing that a LOT of hate he gets on the majority is uncalled for. but YES there are a lot he is called for. 

YES I agree. we will never know  the full truth because YGE does not give detailed straight answers, and that might be a reason for it that could be completely understanding, whether its that they just dont want to let the issues carry on or that they are trying to deal with it peacefully without the media knetz gluing themselves to the front door..

but because of this fact we shouldn't be QUICK TO JUDGE and get upset. we are only seeing glimpse of things and we are getting frustrated. we need to breathe, step back and try to understand instead of immediately attacking cause we assume or feel some type of way. 

I was angry when I heard the news of 2ne1, but I didnt start attacking. I did research and I listened to all opinions and monitored Bom and Dara and CL just like all other Black Jacks did. and this is how I got to my conclusion.

whether you agree with me or not, thats okay. you have your feelings, I have mine.

[onkeywritings]

Onkey pls. One of them wanting a night in, but the other wants to party. Somehow along the way please involve stars, ramyun, and coffee. Random items to get you thinking~

this is really cute uwu im sorry it turned more depressive than loving~

Bad Headspaces

“Can we please just… stay at home?” Kibum asks in a small voice. Jinki eyes him suspiciously before he sighs. 

“But I wanted to go out to celebrate,” he says and Kibum curls in on himself in the couch. 

It’s not that Kibum doesn’t like partying, it’s just that today feels more like a day in. If Kibum is to be completely honest, it may also have to do with his social anxiety and how he just can’t deal with people right now. He feels suffocated in the presence of the SHINee members and if four of his closest friends are too much to handle right now, then a club full of strangers will undoubtedly send him into a panic attack at best. 

He just doesn’t want to admit that he’s having a bad headspace day. He feels so guilty every time he has one of these days, every time he prevents the other four members from doing what they want to do because they decide to take care of him instead. 

He closes his eyes and buries his head in his knees, unable to see Jinki’s frown turn worried and exhales deeply.

“You can go,” Kibum says in a whisper and feels the couch dip beside him and a hand on his back, rubbing soothingly along his spine. 

“Are you okay?” Jinki asks and Kibum nods, head still buried in his knees. Jinki’s hand stills on his back for a moment before it starts moving again. 

Kibum bites his lower lip and tries to force himself to show a more upbeat facade. He doesn’t want to go to the club but he can always send Jinki away, can always tell him to have fun with other friends. 

“Yeah, just … not feeling the club today.” 

Jinki doesn’t believe him. It shows in his eyes when Kibum looks up to get eye contact with him. 

“Bad headspace?” Jinki asks bluntly and Kibum whimpers and buries his face back in his knees. 

There are many things he shows to the public, confidence, trust, colours and independence, but behind closed doors, Kibum is mostly just alone. Loneliness and anxiety has been clouding his life for far too many years but he’s too afraid to really do something to change it. 

He knows people worry about him; Jonghyun has suggested therapy more than once, Minho tried to convince him to go to the hospital and Taemin tried to trick him into one but none of it works because Kibum is not stupid. 

Somewhere above the rainbow is the faint promise of no more anxiety but by now he has grown so accustomed to his life that he can’t imagine not having these periods of anxious loneliness. 

Kibum is brought back to the darkness of the living room by Jinki’s humming. He hasn’t confirmed his bad headspace but Jinki doesn’t need the confirmation, not really. His reactions are enough to prove that he is indeed in a bad headspace.

They sit in silence for Kibum doesn’t know how long. His back is starting to ache in his odd position and he somehow wishes he could get up, leave the living room and hide under his blankets and forget about the world, about Jinki and SHINee and about himself. 

With Jinki there besides him, however, he’s too scared to leave. It feels like it’s a disappointment if he is to get up and leave, like someone will judge him for being unable to stay with one person as well. His anxiety is silently telling him how incompetent he is and Kibum would do anything to just shut it out, but he knows that there is no way to do that. 

Instead he sighs and lifts his head from his knees. The moon is shining in through the open window and Jinki is still sitting beside him, hand caressing his back in a soothing way. 

As he turns his head and gets eye contact with Jinki, Jinki sends him a small smile. 

“Do you want me to find a blanket?” Jinki asks and Kibum nods a little, movement restricted by the way his cheek is resting on his knee cap. 

When Jinki gets up from the couch, the room turns completely silent. Kibum can almost hear his own heartbeat and it’s a bad thing. He doesn’t want any sound to obscure the silence because the silence is safer than the sounds. 

The weight of the blanket falling on his back has him groaning a little and Jinki hums a small sound before he leaves the living room. In the minutes Jinki is away, Kibum hurries to reposition himself. 

He drags the blanket around his shoulders, leans against the back rest and pulls his knees against his chest. It’s very like his former position, but better for his back with the support from the couch and it feels safer with the blanket. He doesn’t need to be hunched over when he has the blanket. 

Jinki returns a couple of minutes later with two cups of something steaming hot. Kibum’s first guess is hot chocolate but when he’s handed the cup the liquid is too black to be hot chocolate and the scent of coffee is too strong for it to be anything else. 

He warms his hands on the cup, the warmth more needed than the actual caffeine but he appreciates that Jinki has taken the time to make him coffee nonetheless. 

They sit in silence while Kibum soaks up the warmth and slowly accepts that tonight he is in a bad headspace but he’s not alone. The moon dips behind a few clouds and the living room darkens for a moment. Kibum is too focused on his coffee to notice that Jinki turns around to look at him with worried eyes. 

“When did you last eat?” he asks and Kibum almost drops his cup of coffee at the sound of the words spoken out loud. The silence has become such a welcome companion that Kibum had almost forgotten Jinki was even there. Jinki just takes Kibum’s cup from him and puts it on the coffee table in front of them, making sure that more words won’t cause Kibum to actually drop the cup of now lukewarm liquid. 

Kibum tries to think of when he last ate but he wasn’t eating lunch because everybody was at home during lunch and he couldn’t deal with the loud voices and the presence of people at that time. He didn’t have breakfast either because he was too anxious in the morning to eat when he realised he was in a bad headspace today and he obviously hasn’t eaten dinner either, not with how he has lost appetite throughout the day. 

The only reasonable answer is that he ate some time yesterday, Kibum isn’t even sure what meal he did eat yesterday, but he decides yesterday is the better answer. 

“Yesterday,” he whispers and keeps his voice quiet. It doesn’t matter much, though, because Jinki’s stomach growls a little with a sound far louder than Kibum’s voice and Kibum covers a little and sinks against the couch. Jinki concludes today must be really bad. 

“Do you want me to cook ramyun?” Jinki asks and Kibum shrugs a little under his blanket. He doesn’t care. He’s not hungry. He never is when he’s in a bad headspace. Food just matters less. 

Jinki’s stomach growls again before he gets up from the couch again. Kibum can hear him in the kitchen, can hear the electric kettle boil the water and the ripping of paper when Jinki uncovers the ramyun-bowl. 

The scent of food spreads across the apartment 10 minutes later and Kibum’s stomach twists in disgust. He’s not hungry. The scent becomes stronger when Jinki takes the food with him to the living room. 

There’s only one bowl of ramyun like he already knows that Kibum won’t be able to eat a full bowl. Jinki slurps while he eats and Kibum sinks further into the couch, this time more relaxed. The sound of Jinki eating is comfortable and familiar. 

“You should eat something,” Jinki says after a while and grabs a noodle with his chopsticks before he points it in the general direction of Kibum. Kibum doesn’t want to uncover from his blankets, however, so instead he leans forward, grabs the noodle and eats it. 

Eating again after a day of no food makes his stomach twist uncomfortably in a desire to eat more and not being big enough to support the amount of food it really wants and Kibum tries to suppress the small smile on his lips. 

If he’s honest, he’s happy Jinki is here. A bad headspace is difficult enough to deal with but had he been left alone he would have been the victim of his own mind, self-hatred would have clouded every breath he took and he wouldn’t have been eating. With Jinki here, it’s like it becomes just a little easier to breathe, the self-hatred is a little less. 

Jinki continues to eat his ramyun while he feeds Kibum a noodle or two every 30 seconds or so. Kibum eats what he’s given but not more than that but little is better than nothing. 

When the bowl is finally empty, the clock strikes midnight. Somewhere throughout Seoul, young people are partying away, mingling with strangers and enjoying their life like tonight is their last and Kibum knows that he could have been a part of that. 

Except tonight this is far better for him, cold coffee and strings of noodles from ramyun means more to him than strangers in a night club ever will, even if it’s as mundane as things can be. 

As time ticks by, the moon shows itself from behind the clouds again and the light streams into the living room. Kibum doesn’t know what time it is when he stands from the couch and stretches his legs from their awkward bended position as he walks towards the window. He can hear Jinki following him but he doesn’t care. 

He’s staring at the moon. The moon that is usually Jonghyun’s comfort brings a comfort with it, a reminder that even though the world scares him there are people out there that he can trust. 

Jinki’s arm breaks his view when the other man points towards a star constellation. 

“Look,” he says. “It’s Cassiopeia!” 

Kibum follows his line of sight and connects the 5 stars that make up the constellation. 

“I don’t know what it means,” Jinki admits. “But it’s the only constellation I can identify.” 

It has Kibum snorting a little and Jinki turns around with a big smile. Kibum quickly looks towards the sky again, watches the stars blink at them. 

Kibum hates his life when it’s filled with anxiety and loneliness, but somehow, the man beside him understands him just like the rest of them. But unlike Jonghyun, Minho and Taemin, Jinki just accepts without trying to heal. It may mean nothing to Jinki, but to Kibum it means the world. 

Tonight is not perfect, tonight is not what it should have been, but given the circumstances, Kibum is positive tonight could have been much worse had it not been for Jinki.

[bulletproof-fantasies]

Finding You: Chapter Thirty-One

Pairing: Min Yoongi/ OC

Genre: Soulmate AU!

Summary: Sometimes, a tag is enough.

Warnings: Mentions of depression, past suicide attempts, and cheating.

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Author’s Note: I honestly have no idea how concert tickets work and stuff so I based it off of seeing a theatre play live. I am sorry if it’s like “Karnia wtf are you writing??!!???” 

Chapter Thirty-One:

Alex had always wanted to go to a concert but, now that she was actually at the venue of one, she wasn’t so sure why. She hated crowds with a deep and almost irrational fear. There were too many people and she felt like she did in her anxiety dreams, lost and drowning. Looking at the sheer amount of people lined up outside the venue almost scared her enough to send her home, but then she remembered August. She had to meet him, even if it meant being swallowed by an ocean of people to the point of panicking.

She just couldn’t suffer waiting to finally see him face-to-face anymore. She felt like she had been waiting her entire life to meet him and on some level she really believed that was true, she just didn’t know it was August she was waiting for until recently. Now that she knew, she wasn’t going to let a little thing like a crowd stop her. So she took a deep breath and got into the line, taking care to breathe in and out slowly.

At some point while she was waiting, a man had come out to tell them they would be allowed into the building at seven. Upon checking the time, and maybe peeking to see if August sent her any messages, it was two hours away. She tried to think if she had ever waited in a line this long in her life. She had been to amusement parks countless times but she was most definitely sure she hadn’t waited two-hours in a line to get on a ride. To be honest, she wasn’t sure she’d ever do this again.

For two hours she needed to occupy herself. Alex knew that if she didn’t keep herself busy she’d start looking around to see if maybe she could try to pick a stranger out in the crowd who might be August. A part of her mind told her that she should be able to recognise him as soon as she laid her eyes on him, but in reality she knew that was stupid. Life wasn’t a fairy tale and she wasn’t going to know which person around her was the one she loved just by connecting eyes.

Shaking her head, she brought her phone out and tried to think of something to do. At this time, Jess would be sleeping but she still decided to snap her a picture of the building with the caption “nervous.” After that she decided to take a picture of the sky and post it on her Tumblr, explaining she had arrived safely. Once she finished that, her eyes were drawn to the little letter icon and before she could stop herself she opened her messages and then went to her conversation with August.

[Sent at 5:26 PM]: There are a lot of people here. I’m so nervous.

Once she sent that, she registered that she felt just a little better. It took him a bit of time to answer and it kind of worried her at first, but as soon as she heard the notification she relaxed. With swift fingers, she tapped her screen to bring it back to life and then quickly put in her password. A little smile came to her face once she read.

[Received at 5:30 PM]: youll feel better when were sitting next to each other. try to just take deep breaths.

[Sent at 5:31 PM]: I am already on it.

Alex paused to look around, trying to see if she could spot a male using his phone and obviously texting. August knew what she looked like so she felt like if he saw her he’d hang close. After a moment, she managed to tear her eyes away and finish her thought.

[Sent at 5:33 PM]: Can you see me at all? In the line?

She bit her lip while she looked around some more. She caught the sight of a lot of people texting but she had no idea if any of them were him. Five minutes ago she promised she wouldn’t do this to herself and yet here she was. Alex took a deep breath and looked down at her phone when it vibrated and made a little sound.

[Received at 5:35]: i cant im sorry. i wish i could.

She couldn’t pretend she didn’t feel the disappointment crushing her a bit. It was like a heavy weight set inside of her stomach that was trying to drag it down. Forcibly, she shoved it away and focused on the bright side. She would see him soon. In less than two hours they’d be side by side and the very first thing she was going to do was hold him tightly.

[Received at 5:37 PM]: just stay calm. you will do alright.

Alex drew in a slow and deep breath and nodded to herself. She would do alright if she just kept thinking about the end-result and focusing on it. As long as she kept her fear out of the forefront of her mind, she would be okay. So instead of worrying or counting down minutes, she went opened up Tumblr and began scrolling.

 …

 The line was shuffling forwards and the doors were finally open. They were being sorted in specific lines based on the tickets they would be claiming and Alex needed to bring her papers to the place where she could pick up her tickets, as August instructed. As Alex drew closer and closer to the man who was directing them, her stomach began to churn. She had no reason to be nervous and yet she was because her anxiety always went off the wall about such things. What if her ticket was fake? What if it didn’t work? What if there was a problem and they needed to see the buyer’s ID? What if she couldn’t claim the ticket with the information she had? What if something went wrong and August was forced to sit alone and wonder if she had bailed on him?

Now that she looked at the receipts, August’s name was nowhere to be found nor was hers. That was slightly concerning. What if Jess was right? What if this was some kind of prank? She took in a deep shuddery breath and, when it was finally her turn to stand in front of the man handling the papers, she licked her lips so they weren’t so agonisingly dry and then handed the papers over to him.

She felt like she was in the middle of waiting for an eternity while he looked over the details but it was the moment he pulled his brows together and made an expression of confusion that she knew something wasn’t right. He looked at her for a long moment, taking in her appearance. Maybe it was just her anxious nature, but under his gaze she felt like he was under the impression she had stolen the papers.

“Where did you buy?” he asked her rather directly. That only made it official.

“It was sent to me by my friend. He bought them,” she explained, trying to speak through how dry her throat had suddenly become. Her Korean was a lot better since she had met August, but she hoped it was standing up now.

The man, who was rather tall and intimidating compared to Alex, glanced back down at the papers and then stepped aside, he motioned for her to step out of line too. She knew she was fucked. She was going to end up in a jail-cell by the end of this, she could feel it. Had she been set up? No, August wouldn’t do that. She refused to let herself think that it was possible. So it must have been some kind of misunderstanding or mistake.

The man directed someone else to take his job directing the traffic of the line and then brought Alex into the building. He found a woman who was perhaps twenty feet away, speaking quickly with someone else and then showed her the ticket information. Alex took deep breaths, just trying to focus on not passing out while the man talked to the person that was obviously his manager. After a few minutes, with neither of them giving away any information with their expressions, the woman came over.

“Could I please see your ID?” she asked politely as she gave Alex a smile.

Fuck. They were going to call the police. Or maybe they were already there? She was probably three minutes away from being put in the back of a cop-car, she could feel it. Alex swallowed hard and reached for her purse, hands jittery. She dropped her wallet when she finally got it out and then bent over to frantically pick it up after. She unzipped it and then took out her driver’s licence.

The woman took a look at her card and then looked onto her clipboard. She did a couple of checks and then looked back at Alex and gave her a smile, handing it back to her and then passing her an envelope. Alex blinked a few times and looked down at it, confused.

“I’m very sorry, there was a misunderstanding. This is your ticket,” the woman said in a comforting tone. “Please enjoy the show. I will show you to the line.”

Alex swallowed hard and almost felt like one of those cartoon characters; she was ready for her jaw to hit the floor. “Oh…a-alright. Thank you.”

“We apologise for that mistake, please follow me,” the woman said professionally as she led Alex through the building to the area where she would enter the hall.

When they got to their destination, Alex noticed immediately that the area sectioned off with thick black rope that cut up the space into a neat maze-like line and no one besides her was there yet. She glanced at the woman, almost like she was terrified she would take her ticket away and then timidly moved to stand as the first person in line. She took a deep breath and tried to relax after that.

“Please enjoy the show. Thank you for understanding.”

Making a weak sound of approval, Alex watched at the woman left and directed a man who had followed in behind them to collect ticket stubs. Once she was gone, Alex took a deep breath and allowed herself to relax. It didn’t really work but she tried.

“May I collect your ticket?” the man asked her as he came to stand in front of the door.

Alex nodded meekly and took out her ticket with shaking hands. He ripped it and then stamped her hand. She put her ticket back inside the envelope and then stored it in her bra, for safe measure. After she managed to calm down a little more, she took out her phone and began to text August, explaining the weirdness that had just occurred and how she was pretty fucking sure she almost had a heart attack.

[Sent at 7:27 PM]: First night in Korea and I thought for sure that I was going to be hauled off to jail.

[Sent at 7:27 PM]: Go figure.

 …

 Getting to her seat had been a breeze considering the issues she had with her ticket. She felt like her insides were twisting while she watched people filter into her section of the hall. She paid close attention to every person she could, hoping one of them would see her and smile. But that didn’t happen. By the time her section was almost full, her stomach began to bubble and she felt nauseous.

“Where is he?” She wondered, the words in her head even sounding stressed out.

Alex wasn’t sure she had ever felt her heart beat like this. It was beyond the point where she could feel it in her ears. The muscle was pumping the blood in her body so quickly that it was making her feel light headed and a bit tingly. Taking deep breaths, trying to regulate the harsh beating against her ribs, she kept watching the entrance. However, eventually, no one else was making their way into the section anymore.

“He’s just late,” she told herself with a firm nod of her head. “He’ll be here really soon and you’ll finally be able to hug him and you will probably end up crying like a little bitch.”

Alex kept telling herself that over and over, but soon the entire place was packed, the lighting began changing and the seat next to her was still empty. She sunk into her seat a little bit and took out her phone, just trying to keep herself breathing normally. She had never been stood up before and this was a completely new kind of anxiety.

[Sent at 8:15 PM]: August, where are you? It’s starting soon.

She was shaking and she wondered if anyone else in her row could feel it. Alex was doing everything she could to keep herself from bursting out into tears. Humiliation was a light word for everything she was feeling and all the warnings Jess had voiced to her started coming to the surface of her mind. Despite everything, she kept following August’s advice, forcing herself to take deep breaths as she tried to calm down.

If he didn’t reply, she wasn’t sure that she would be able to sit through the concert. It would be so hard to actually enjoy it while she wanted to break down and cry. But he had bought the ticket and this was not a cheap show. She truly didn’t know what to do with herself and so it kept her utterly still and frozen.

It didn’t make sense that he would go through all this effort and then just ditch her. She knew that. And now she was worried about him because what if something happened to him on his way there? She didn’t think she was capable of panicking harder than she had been without actually having an attack and yet there she was, literally so close to losing it. The only thing that saved her from it was the vibration that came from her phone in her hands.

The screen was a bit blurred and she hastily wiped the tears away from her eyes while she struggled to read the message.

[Received at 8:20 PM]: im so sorry alex work held me. i will be late. but ill be there.

Taking a deep breath, relief flooded her body and it just made her eyes water more. She knew that she was overreacting to everything but she couldn’t help it. She was in an unfamiliar country alone in a situation she was frankly super anxious about. The panic had just sent her into overdrive.

Her hands shook as she heard people start to cheer. She looked up at the stage and saw figures rising out of the centre of it. That was BTS down there. Min Yoongi was in the same room as her, his beautiful face coming up on the huge screens behind the stage along with everyone else. The music began pounding and she gripped her phone a bit tighter.

In all her life, she never thought she’d look upon Min Yoongi and feel no excitement. She had been dreaming for years about being in this very position, but now it seemed so underwhelming. She knew why. She knew why without a doubt. Alex had always wanted to see BTS in person and to hear their music live. But those desires were so small in comparison to how badly she wanted to feel August next to her, holding her hand.

The truth was that Alex had never wanted anything as badly as she wanted him and she couldn’t help but dwell on that.

 …

 By the time the concert came to the half-way point, she knew August wasn’t going to be able to make it. She was disappointed, but it wasn’t his fault. Even being a foreigner, she knew how hard it was to get anywhere in Seoul while trying to drive a car and at this hour the traffic would be awful.

When it ended, she was straight up bummed out but trying to think of how she would talk about the concert to him. The thing Alex absolutely refused to do was make him feel guilty for this or like he wasted his money, so she committed all the little moments to memory and memorised details to recite later.

As people filtered out, she decided just to sit in her seat and wait for them to clear out. She hated the crowds too much to rush and there was no hurry anyways. She hadn’t received another text from August but she wasn’t going to push it, she was going to wait until he said something.

Once another fifteen minutes passed, she got up and began to make her way to the exit, however there was a man waiting there who had an official-looking ear-piece in while he held a clipboard. He was probably just supervising the exit-traffic, but her stomach churned upon seeing him. She forced herself to be calm as she prepared to walk past him but then held her breath as it felt like someone sucker-punched her when he suddenly spoke.

“May I see your ticket?”

Alex wanted to groan. This was the most stressful night and here was some more stress to complement that. She was sure she could break out and cry at any moment now if her body truly felt like betraying her.

She felt a little awkward as she removed the ticket from her shirt and handed it to him. He flipped it, saw that it was initialed and then smiled at her. “Please follow me.”

“Not this again for fuck’s sake just let me go home and bawl, please,” she thought pathetically as she watched him turn.

Alex sighed deeply and followed him, keeping close as he lead her though the building. She had no idea what was going on. She was probably going to jail, like she suspected early. They let her enjoy the concert first and now they were hauling her off.

Except they weren’t because, even through her panic, she wasn’t stupid. As she followed the man, it became clear she was being taken deeper into the building and then it evidently became clearer she was being led backstage. By the time that she got to a door, he turned to face her and gestured for her to open it, her heart was hammering.

“We apologise for any misunderstandings,” he told her with a smile.

Why were people saying that?  What the fuck was going on? She really wished someone would just stop being so cryptic and actually explain something to her. She was way too worn out for these kinds of mind-games and confusion.

“If you’d go inside, Mr. August will be here to see you soon.”

[everythingwithl-blog]

SL PT.1

I have struggling with depression and anxiety for the past couple of months. I want to be isolated and be wit myself and not talk to anyone, while my family thinks I am talking to my boyfriend, I'm not. I usually tell him I'm tired and sleeping  while I am not, I don't know why I feel this way but I can tell you one thing my life is falling apart. I honestly am trapped and located every single day and living second lol. I'm serious, if it weren't for my optimistic views I wold be dead. My boyfriend, Logan is the most annoying person there is he's full of himself and gets on my nerves half of the time. Many of you are probably like why are you with him if he's like that but I don't even know why either. He has all my accounts and goes through them at least 3 times a day to see if Im cheating, he's caught me talking to a girl but i was sexting. No Im not interested in girls but got curios at how girls work. He wasn't too upset but he was really harsh at me. Besides that Ive been the most loyal and loving girlfriend that puts up with his shit. It can be quite a fucking nightmare he has so many things that a person should't do it scares me to think what he would do to me if I actually broke up with him… Aside from him we have my family: mom, dad, veronica, elizabeth, paul, pablo, and ivce. I will introduce them formally now. My mom is not the typical mom but she isn't the worst either, it kind  of like going to school you hope to get a career and diploma same with her you expect to get love and encouragement but thats not the case. She never tells me she loves me or is proud of e and always compares me to others. "Your sister got straight As during high school and you are doing horrible". That's my life its pretty ironic because Im pretty sure she doesn't even remember when my sister was in high school side it was like 10 years ago lol. Dealing with her is even worse than dealing with my boyfriend to be honest. I deal with them on a daily basis and let me tell you its no fun. She gets on me for staying too one at an after school club and for dropping my grades ever since I've entered it. It's not that but having to juggle having a boyfriend and her is what made than drop. Just yesterday I said, "When you grow old I am going to whip you". I didn't mean it like who would hit an old person like wtf? She is still very upset and insults me every time she can wooohhooo, it's like getting slapped every time. I should apologize to her  but have not, since I'm still thinking it through. Then we have my dad, what can I tell you about him? I hardly see him since he's working and providing for the family, he can be chill at times but besides when he's mad. He will bring you down to hell and take you back to earth like twice or more. Yah he is a good person but I wouldn't say a good father. He is never there for me and hardly talks to me, yah he shows up to events i do but besides that you'll catch him playing poker on his tablet. Veronica is my middle sister she was like my bff at some point and then it just faded away, she's 8 years older than me so it was hell for her during my childhood days. I used to tell on her every chance that I had because I thought it would get my moms trust in me. Boy was I wrong, to this day she still complains about how much of a spoiled rat I was or sill am. She's pregnant at the time so I can't argue or dream at hr since its bad for the baby. So I walk away. During psychology Mr. Ford said "Are you a runner or a fighter". That for me was self explained, I was a runner. I will run away from my problems because I really don't want to deal with them. Its like I don't and don't. Veronica always gets mad at me for that and I don't know why. Its just who i am and thats my way of dealing with issues and problems. Elizabeth is the average mom, she is completely washed away from her dreams and is stuck in reality, She's my parents favorite. Always there for them and never lets them down expect when she got pregnant at the age of 19. They were so disappointed, their little girl wasn't as innocent as she made her self seem. I was eight at the time so really didn't comprehend the whole situation. To this day she is there for me most of the time when she is not dealing with her husband or child. Paul is my nephew, he can be a total brat but I love him. He will tell on m for the most littlest reasons and people defend him is crazy. Its theses eyes tat make people believe him, but as I say let karma do its work. Pablo is veronicas fiancée and frankly I don't know anything besides he is a security guards at some drug store and lives with his dad, oh and that he's a Gemini. I will go into further explanation about Astrology in another post but, he's basically two faced. He can be very nice to people but then a total bitch. He doesn't care about me so I don't care about him, he's a piece of lint on a shirt. Ivce is like the brother I never had, he is very wise at times but stupid on other times. He's a cool dude and minds his business and doesn't care what people think or say, right on brother. Those are most of the people in my life and I will talk about some later, but just wanted to say welcome to my shitty life, confetti emoji. I will update later on more topics.

[selenamariearroyo]

Dear Peter,

You will never see this. Unless some Devine miracle happens and somehow we're back together. Even then I don't think I would show it to you. This is me at my weakest hour yet. I thought I had been through that already when you told me you didn't love me. But somehow it keeps getting worse. I've been living in denial. Today I saw a text saying you love me with everything you have. It sent me over the edge. Again. This time I'm not going to the hospital. It just gave me a false reality that everything is different but at the end of your stay you come back out to the same shitty situation you left when you emerged the safe haven of the psych ward. My thoughts are coming faster than my fingers can write them. All I keep thinking over and over, every single damn day since you left me.. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. Why? I love you. It's undeniable. Unconditional. You could do anything, saying anything, I will still love you until the end of time. You are my best friend. You will remain in my heart until the day I die. I know i will never get you back. Actually I don't know that, I thought writing it down would make it real in my head but I'm still desperately holding on to a sliver of hope. I'm not sure where that hope is coming from, must be god. I still have hope. Because I believe what we had was once in a lifetime. Irreplaceable. I'm trying so hard to accept the fact you're gone. But for some reason my head or heart will not let me do it. I don't know if it's from my depression, anxiety, whatever mental illness I may have, or just my undying love for you. Every single god damn thing reminds me of you. Everything. All the things I used to love make me sad. Because I loved them with you. But now I'm missing the vital part of that equation. You. I'm literally missing you in my life. I can't help thinking this is not fair. But who knows. I have no idea what I did to you. That doesn't mean that I didn't do something to make you fall out of love with me. Im just not aware of it. This is the hardest part. Why. Why. Why did this happen. I've talked to so many people. Tried to put the pieces together. Some scenarios have made sense. But in the back of my mind none of them add up. I don't know why this happened to us, I wish I did, maybe I could fix it, just maybe. Is it ,ore harmful to hold on to this hope I have? Or is it more harmful to just be an empty vessel, going through the motions of life. Feeling numb. Nothing to hold on to at all. I don't mean to sound so pathetic. I'm afraid of saying these things to anyone. My therapist, my family, my friends. I've barley talked about this situation at all to be honest. If I don't talk about it... it's not real, right? I know none of my behavior and thoughts are helping me. But I don't know how to stop it. These are my coping mechanisms to make it through the everyday motions of my life. If I didn't hold on to this hope, if I accepted it... I would end up in the nut house again. In there I patched my mind up to believe everything would be okay when I got out. Because that's what everyone kept telling me. Because my situation wasn't as bad as others. But how can we compare our tragedies when everyone is living their own individual lives. In my life, this is the worst thing to happen to me. So far I guess. But I can't imagine feeling anymore hurt than this and still making it through. I don't want to be pathetic. I want to be better. I really really do. So why is it so hard for me? Why. I have so many questions to why life is the way it is right now. My whole life I've tried to follow the right path. Follow my dreams, follow my heart. Do the right thing, do what makes me happy. Look where I've ended up at only 20. What am I doing wrong here? I thought I had a pretty good life. Sure I was battling some demons. I was on the way to getting help. Right at the peak of my darkest hours... life plunged over the edge and dived into the ocean, leaving me to sink. I'm trying to swim up so bad. I'm really am trying. Sometimes I have moments of clarity where I think I can see the surface and I think I can do it on my own. But something so simple, a tiny wave, pulls me back under and I'm starting from the bottom all over again. Sometimes my moments of clarity last a couple of minutes, sometimes weeks. Honestly I haven't had clarity for more than a week for longer than I can remember. Why is my brain the way it is? Why is it ruining my entire life. Everyone always says I have so much going for me. And I know I do because I worked my ass off to make it so. But what is the god damn point. I thought I was supposed to be happy. This is what I've always wanted. I'm successful, hard working, powerful. Everyone thinks. I have it all figured out. But at the end of the day... I'm not the slightest bit happy. Will being with you again change this? Probably not if I'm honest. I don't know what's wrong with me. Why won't the medicine work. I have support and love and good friends and a warm place to sleep and places to good and a good future ahead of me, a past that isn't the best but shaped me to be who I am today. Maybe that's the problem. Somewhere in the timeline of my past something screwed me up. I have no clue what it could be. Why does nothing make me happy. Why am I living such an empty life when there's so many things waiting outside my door for me to embrace them? I feel like I don't have any answers. I'm trying to accept that that is okay. But I can't. I need answers. Will I ever be better? I can't see a light at the end of this lifelong tunnel. I just want to be better. I want to be happy. But every time I try to be happy, I end up being numb. It's easy to be numb. No feelings on either spectrum. But what kind of life is that? What's the point? I keep coming back to that... what's the fucking point? What wonderful reward will I get at this end of this? The answer to it is nothing. I will get nothing. There is no point to life. We're just living out these things we call lives every single day until we die. For what? What is the god damn purpose? I have all these experiences built up over time in my life. Do they mean anything to me? No. I've gone through so much. But what's my purpose. When I was with you. I felt happiness. And I felt sadness, and I felt hope, a lot of hope. I felt excited, scared, angry, annoyed, beautiful, loved. When I was with you. Maybe I took it for granted. I know for a damn fact I took it for granted. I wish more than anything I could reverse time and experience it all again. All the good, all the bad. But that's not a choice we have in life. We have to keep moving... but why? If I'm happy here. Why do I need to keep moving. Everyone says there a purpose. There's something better on the other side. I've read everything fucking motivational post he internet. I see them, I want to believe them, I pretend that I believe them. Fake it until you make it, am I right? But I need to stop lying to myself. Life is an endless cycle of bad and good. Do I learn lessons from these cycles? Sure. But lessons that would only do me good if I could fucking reverse time. But I can't! So what do I do with all this heart break and joy mixed together with lessons? Collect it, put it in a journal? Keep it ,ovine and add to the book? What the fuck is the point of that. I don't want to have a happy moment because I now at one point there is going to be a sad moment. Most of the sad out weighs the the happy. I don't know if this way of thinking is because my defective sick brain. But I know that I don't see any point in life anymore. With or without you. The cycles will continue. On and on and on until I die. I'm 20 and I'm already tired of these fucking cycles. I'm trying to change my mindset... but how does someone do that? Change their way of thinking? It's that way for a reason.. this is my brain and my opinions. I think anyone who says they turned their life around it just lying. Putting on a fake identity to show everyone they can be "normal" like everyone else and be happy. Maybe there are some people who can truly be happy. And I will forever be jealous of that. Effortlessly loving life. But maybe I'm biased. But I think the rest of us are just living to live. Putting on a happy face.. getting through because everyone gives us the false hope that something better is coming. What if nothing better ever comes? Again... what's the fucking point. Love.. what does it mean? It feels meaningless to me now. Because of that wasn't love... what the fuck is? He left. He stopped loving me. With no explanation or reasoning. One day he was here. The next he was gone. Packed and forced himself out of my heart. Now there's a big gaping bleeding whole. Nothing in the world could ever fill besides the one particular shape of him. And I believe that shape is gone... left in the unreachable past. So what do I do now? Live on and attempt to patch the whole with guys who can never be him? What's. the. Point. It won't make me happy. Be abuse eventually I will be fed up that the patch doesn't fit right and doesn't actually fill the space and I'll have to rip it off and feel the pain all over again, losing my sense of false security. So what do I do now that you're gone and never coming back? I have no fucking clue. Everything g feels pointless... lifeless. I love my family. I love my friends. But I don't see the point of it all. Life will still be highly functional without me. We're all small pieces in this shit thing we call life. I don't really matter. None of us do. The entire planet could go extinct and the earth would continue to rotate. The earth would probably be better off actually. So what am I doing here. Why am I writing this to Peter when he's never going to see it, why am I crying and being in so much pain when he will never care. Why do I do the things I do. Why does my brain tell me this is what you're supposed to do now. I'm questioning my entire fucking life and existence over YOU. why am I pathetic? Is love supposed to make you this pathetic? ,Anne I've just gotten every single damn thing so far in my life wrong. Maybe love isn't what I think it is. Maybe being successful isn't what I think it is. So on and so on. But where do I go from here, even if this realization has any truth to it and I just wasted 20 years of my life on this "lesson". Do I become a monk and take a vow of silence and meditate on all the stupid ass thoughts I have. This is just an example of what my brain thinks, not even the whole of it, in the couples I've been writing. How can I possibly figured out what the fuck I'm supposed to be doing. My heart tells me to fight for you. My brain tells me to be independent. My brain also tells me I'm crazy. My body tells me I'm weak. It reminds me that a piece of you has physically been inside me. Literally, but also figuratively. This one is different. You and me are different. I don't know why. But all the different parts of me tell me that you are different. You are the one. My heart tells me that you are the love of my life, forever and unconditionally. My head tells me that you've hurt me so bad but no matter what all the happiness you've brought me outweighs it by a million tons. My body tells me that you've brought the greatest sensation and connection I've ever felt to someone. ,y memories tell me that we've been through it all.. but when the memories pop into my head they are not surrounded by hatred, anger, hate... only love, happiness, hope, good. So why is it this way. Why did you leave? What lesson am I supposed to learn here? Am I supposed to wait a lifetime to figure it out? I'm not sure I can last that long. Everything between now and then will be... wasted. Trying to find answers from a lost love. Preoccupied with my past with what it means to my future. I need to know why it's this way. I need to know if I can fix it. I need to know what to do next if I can or can't fix it. I need to learn how to live my life without all these damn questions. Peter please tell me what I'm supposed to do. I'm lost since you left... no direction or purpose. With you I had purpose. I knew what I wanted in life. Now I have no thought what so ever than what I'm doing at this present time. Maybe that's good, but it doesn't feel good to me. Not having direction in life makes things pointless, hard, and just worthless. Maybe I need to find myself, this won't be a short journey. I don't know where I'm hiding under all these questions, responsibilities, obligations, standards and expectations. I don't know what I life anymore. One of the hardest questions the doctors keep asking me is what I do for fun. I can't think of a single thing. You used to be my only thing. Everything else I do has an obligation and reason behind it. I loved you because it was fun, I loved you because you made me happy, I loved you because I just did. No one pushed me into loving you or told me that's what I should do. I just did. And I thought you did too, but i think I became more of an obligation to you over time. But who am I to speak for you? Who knows. Look at all that's going through my head, I can't possibly begin to try and figure out the things in your head, I would go crazy. I might already be there. I want to talk to you. Because I think you were and still remain the only one who comprehended a little bit of what was going v through my mind. It's impossible to understand everything.. because it's my brain and I can't even figure it out. But you tried. You didn't judge me, you helped me, you supported me and most of all you loved me despite everything. Key word LOVED. I feel like I'm too much. Too much for the world yet another person to be connected with. I feel alone. Even when you loved me. I felt alone, because we really are alone. At the end of the day it's just you and your body, no matter who you think is with you. When you lay your head down to sleep, even if someone is laying next to you.. you're alone in your mind where no one can enter. When we are die, even if people are holding your hand.. we exit life alone, we cannot take anyone with us to go on the journey of heath together. Life is lonely no matter what. Every relationship is false security that someone understands you. But it's logically impossible. No one has lived the exact same life. All individuals mashing together in no particular order or reason, just trying to make it to... what? I guess that's the big question. Peter I love you. I'm not sure what it means, I do g know how to explain. My entire being just screams it so loud in my head every second of everyday it is impossible for me to ever forget it. I love you. Whatever that may mean. You did something to me. I'm not sure if good or bad. But what I do know is that I love you, and it will never go away, as long as I'm living this pointless thing we call life. With all my unanswered questions of this world... i know for a fact that the one absolute i can always rely on is that I love Peter. I'm still trying to figure out everything else.