#and i havent been able to deal with it
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yeah thats. what i thought. traumadumping i guess in the tags abt it.
#the only time i made Sure he couldnt touch me anymore was during a panic attack. and i didnt want him touching me but i did need comfort so#i sat on the floor with my best friend of several years and leaned on them for support#and he insisted on driving me home alone that night and then he started crying and insisted that i only ever let him touch me out of pity.#and then he said that if he didnt have a kid he would have been suicidal because of this#its. dealing with all this is part of why i havent been able to be on this account much. its been insanely stressful#because he lives with my best friend who i hang out with 3-4days a week usually. my best friend whose parent just died last month#and once i told them abt this they were like oh so thats a PATTERN of behavior bc hes apparently done this to multiple other people#notably people he's expressed that he's attracted to. and that being almost exclusively lesbians. this is a cis man btw#so. strained smile#txt
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HELLO ONE PIECE WATCHER are u obsessed yet
YAYA ITS SO AWESOME GAHH IM SO INVESTED 😭!!!! i actually just caught up in the manga to where i am in the anime!! (on ep 81, and on chapter 134!!!) i've shed lots of tears, laughed, and had my heart touched many times since starting it- i'm totally in love!!! I even cried at the same places i did while watching it when reading manga, ahaha!!!
the characters, the world, the designs, the dreams and ambitions everyone has is SOOOSOSO fun and like, inspiring.. just so good-feeling, i'll even wake up and be like "man, can't wait to watch/read one piece today"
the friendships/bonds created between everyone feels like, so strong- its really beautiful! I love how much fun the fights are, and i really adore the small moments between everyone (like when sanji brings out foods/drinks and everyone kinda just, chills and eats?? the food component of things feels so important too, I love seeing what they eat, idk why haha!!!)
i feel like other shows i love don't have enough time to just see everyone hanging out... it makes me so happy, im really thankful for those moments
also i would take a bullet for any of the strawhats in miliseconds!!! an instant!!!! anything for them!!
#ask#ask reply#text#vonchatty#like i've seen a lot of the character designs from it and always thought they were fun!!! its so nice to get to see them in action!#SO ITS SO EXCITING to see who interacts or like#whats happening with them or what their whole deal is#like there's characters im super intrigued by that havent even shown up yet!!#OH AND THE POWERS ARE SO FUN#also luffy is in my top list of MCs#he's incredible!!!!#also the middle aged men romance potential is sooo awesome#so many hot men in it.. good day to be a man enjoyer#OH AND I CANT WAIT FOR THE LIVE ACTION its gonna be covering everything i know so im SUUUPER SUPER excited for it#it looks super fun and i love how much heart has been put into it like everyone looks like they had so much fun and loved making it!!#i also think in modern times dreams feel impossible to reach so its so wonderful to see a story where people are able to#follow their ambitions to a full extent#long post
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"It's just you now. Take care of mother."
i have the normal amount of emotions about them (lying) <3
#a redraw but also not really cus i ended up tracing a lot from the old one hfldsjdfs#it was only supposed to be for reference but i ended up keep messing w it instead of redrawing it proper......#feel like i got his expression down better in the old one; looks more strained/ hearbroken like i feel#but thats fine#my art#my ocs#oc: liam hawke#i'm still not sure if liam or varric is the one who deals the killing blow#love both the thought of liam having his own sisters blood on his hands and never being able to wash it off fully#or his (future) best friend saving him that fate but now having that stand between them#cus liam would be grateful for it but part of him would always remember that and hold it against him#(both options also make the bartrand encounter crunchy in slightly different ways)#either way in that moment he kind of hates varric for even just being there. and fenris too#(though tbh im not sure how realistic it would be for him to take sb else except bethy and varric down into the deep roads)#((so maybe in canon fen wouldnt be there idk. havent decided this yet either))#logically he knows its not fair ofc but it just feels like an invasion of privacy. it feels Wrong.#they have no place in this they shouldnt have been there they shouldnt have been part of it they shouldnt have seen him like this#but its sth that binds them too#the rest of the trek is miserable and awkward for all of them in any case#but yeah.#idk if they would be able to bury her down here properly so maybe they end up doing it via lava?#theyre not leaving her body out in the open to rot and/or become food for darkspawn or spiders thats for sure
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also something feels a bit off about sonic and shadow's dynamic in the new tailstube but i dont really know how to explain it
#i think its the emphasis on the fact that they supposedly fight a lot and dont get along#like yeah theyve never been besties but to say that they cant get along at all and are always fighting. that doesnt feel quite right#these guys havent played shadow the hedgehog (2005) ..... smh#whatever its not a big deal its just a little youtube video#and it could have been worse. when tails told them they had to compliment eachother they were able to do that at least#showing that theres still some degree of mutual respect even if theyre just refusing to admit it 99 perecnt of the time now#tailstube#tailstube spoilers
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the way this is the best raph ive drawn and i dont think i can ever top it makes me furious
#im never gonna draw anything consistently so justttttt deal with that#but hhhhhhhhhh i just feel the emotion right here#and i havent been able to capture it as well since#maybe part of it is how rough the sketch is i dont know..........#the arting has been hard
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i found my sketchbooks!
#they were in a box full of.... used sketchbooks#makes sense#it was just buried in mouse poop and i havent been able to deal well#the mice are being dealt with!#but the fallout from that war is lots of mental scars ...#LMAO ANYWAYS#stenographes are back ON#stenograph#charbon
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recently discovered we have fucking bedbugs in the house and I am coping soooooooooooo poorly like I am becoming insane because of this ommmmmggggggggggg
#theres an exterminator coming soon and everything but like#i cant remember the last time i was this stressed out lol...... im dyyyyinggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg#i cannot be dealing with this bro...like.... of all the things i could be dealing with i need it to NOT be this one#if i have to get rid of a bunch of my stuff im going to become a demon fr literally#havent been able to eat or sleep for days lol
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Then... Tell antis to stop harassing people? You really do have this entire thing backwards (and no, sending you asks on Tumblr and playing a game isn't harassment)
Bro I literally am just sitting here I'm not responsible for every Guy on the internet and actually! Fun fact! Dont like ppl that call themselves antis for a lot of reasons!
#can someone pls find me the post thats like not anti not proship but a secret third thing (adult with better things to do)#also anon. block evading is. in fact. harassment.#anyway this is the only time im humoring u#i gotta deal w the fact i havent been able to sleep in 2 days
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okay but like genuinely
the swollen lymph nodes arent that bad today
but both times i woke up this morning i felt nauseus (tho didnt get sick). my cough has been. really fuckin bad. and idk WHAT happened to my side bit it hurts when i breathe and cough. like around my rib area. i havent knocked into anything that would explain why it hurts either
so when i say im sick of my body being sick
this is what i mean
#yesterday it was recovering from two er visits about swollen lymph nodes#since thursday its been dealing with supposedly strep#since tuesday i figured it was a cold#since monday was worried it could be covid#since last sunday just a migraine#when will it END#i wanna go back to classes. i genuinely miss attending and learning. even my animal & human interrelations class i miss#idec about voting anymore - WHICH I WAS WANTING TO DO IN PERSON SINCE LAST MONDAY BUT HAVENT BEEN ABLE TO CAUSE IVE BEEN SICK#i just want my body to recover and STAY RECOVERED#is that too much to ask#amber's shit you can ignore
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#personal#it feels like im not allowed to complain about my own life on my own blog#or at least that if im allowed to that it seems very firstworld problem very selfish very not appropriate with all thats going on#that people will and do think less of me for expressing my own sadness and frustrations because theres no way it compares#to a lot of peoples very big and very real problems#but im so fucking sick of being poor and small. all ive had to eat today is 2min noodles roughly 10 hours ago#and all ill get tomorrow is a bowl of 2min noodles but ittl be another 15 or so hours until its the most reasonable to eat that#thats the real girlmath and then thats the last of my noodles. that leaves me with one (1) small tin of tuna#which might end up being tonights intermediary food if i really cant wait 15 nore hours for my next noodles but is supposed to be#the one meal of the day after tomorrow. so if i eat it too soon then i have even more time that i just dont fucking eat#im so sick to death of being in this position. like its literally killing me and theres fuck all i can do to make it better#ive tried. and i try and i try and i try but i can never afford anything#my landagent keeps sending me textx asking when theyll see a patment for my $50 water bill#i have to stop myself from texting back every time. youll see payment when im not spending literally 75% of my pay on rent alone#when i can afford to buy food and bills at the same time. whn i dont feel like kms-ing would be better than paying you my rent every frtnite#i crave a burger so bad i cant make myself do any tasks. i cant start or continue any crafts or chores because all im thinking about#is a burger like a blorbo rotating in my mind alongside the background noise that i wont get a burger and will only get noodles but not for#hours. a whole days worth of hours almost#my shitawful roomate is back and i have to play nice but he gives me the same feelings my abusive mother did. im scared to leave my room#in the safeplace house ive spent the last two years building for myself. this feels awful. things were all going so right and now#all of a sudden theyre all going as wrong as possible and im struggling so much. with no one to help. no one cares enough to help#the few people i do have are wrapped up in their own lives. which i get. but it doesnt take away the hurt of dealing with it all alone again#lot of momma trauma coming up with the end of eclipse season and i thought i was handling it. now i just feel fucking awful all the time#like ik healing isnt linear but the roomate triggers so hard things i thought i had processed and was on top of#would a burger fix that? no but itd atleast give me something to emotionally lean on for strength though it. but all ive got is noodles#24 hour apart one meal per day noodles. and tomorrow is my last pack. my only solace lately is that ive been invited to my first ever rave#or my first real rave anyway ive only been to one other 'edm event' that was not really a rave of any scale it was like 25 people#but its a halloween rave so im hoping for spooky fun dancetimes at least theres that. im out of data and spotifyprem so i havent been able#to take my silly little mental health walks bc theres zero chance im doing that without music and so itll be noce to get outside fr the rave#anyway. im doing very poorly i appreciate you few who reached out while i wasnt active but i expect ill continue to do poorly for some time
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Hi im writing some medical leave venting in the tags im not asking you to read it i just needed to put it somewhere impermanent. Oktybye
#havent been able to go to therapy for a month#barely able to pay my psychiatrist#havent been able to go to work for three months due to a work related injury#my doctor is upset its taking this long even with doing nothing and going to physical therapy#said that if it continues im going to ''have some explaining to do''#i do not control how well my tendon heals sorry#meanwhile medical leave payments have been a horrific chore to deal with#and its 60% of what i normally make#which normally is okay its been so stressful and tedious to even get it#unsure if i can pay rent#im not asking for money for that#i dont want to have to owe the people i already owe even more and those who wouldnt care i feel should use their money somewhere else#the antidepressants i take are starting to feel like not enough and im not sure if its just because of extreme stress or what#im sure things will get sorted out in the end#right now is just really tumultuous
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in the uncomfortable situation of having drawn a lot of art of characters that belong to a person that i want nothing to do with anymore. it's frustrating bc a lot of these pieces are also stuff that i'm proud of, skill-wise, but they are essentially tainted now. they will always remind me of who i drew it all for. but i also hate the idea of essentially throwing paintings into a digital fire.
#i havent even deleted the posts i have of them but that's moreso bc it is very painful to look back on them now#seeing our interactions in the notes or captions...i don't even want to look at it#i think that if this person was still able to go online i would just push through it and delete them all#but they will not have internet access for a very long time fucking hopefully#and there's just smthn abt knowing that they do not have any way to contact me or see any of my posts#that makes things feel like they are just in limbo#idk has anyone ever been in a situation like this? im just at a loss#cannot emphasize enough that this was not caused by petty drama or stupid internet fights#the things they did and the reasons i cut them off are some of the most serious shit i have ever had to deal with#and i will never be able to think abt them the same way again#textphelia
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I do find it so funny that I will graduate college days away from my birthday. Like my birthday is literally in between the end of the semester ("graduation") and commencement
It really will be like a joint graduation & birthday party for me lmao
#speculation nation#i dont really do birthday parties anymore. havent in a long time. mostly just go out and do smth fun around my bday. ya kno#also have cake but like not in a party way. just like. here's cake lol#but im probably only gonna graduate from college once. which means i might as well live it up and all.#invite all sorts of extended family and people who have known me. etc etc.#actually it just kinda sunk in that i am. Computer and Information Technology (Systems Analysis and Design focus) w a minor in Communication#like those are words. it's a lot of words but actually it really is pretty accurate?? like that's indeed what ive been studying.#now how much i *remember* is another question. considering how long ive taken to get thru school lol#but that's what people will see on my degree. that's my Thing. graduated in Computer Systems and Talking.#idk it's just weird to have spent so much of my life on this and like That's the culmination. it took so much work.#even beyond a normal 4 years. i switched my major *twice*. switched my minor too.#first year engineering to undecided liberal arts (as a temp major trying to switch to computer science bc i couldnt stay in FYE)#but then computer science sucked so i switched to trying to get into computer & info tech. which is different. and better.#and ive been in it long enough now that ive kinda forgotten but it did take some fuckin work to switch into it.#like i had to take certain classes first & i couldnt take them during the semesters that in-major students would take them#and i had to have my gpa up to a certain level etc etc. so many hoops to jump thru. i think it took me at least a year. or more. idr#but i made it in and thats my major. thats my thing. computers and information systems and communication.#doesnt FEEL like im an almost-graduate. but then i think about all the things ive taken and learned.#and maybe i dont remember a lot of the more specific things from these classes. but i took core lessons away from each one.#wont be able to recite the theories but i can live them. and thats the point of an education i guess.#anyways im gonna have to start job searching before too long and eughhbb. need to get my license first tho probably.#which i will... i will.... i have so many things to deal with... my life will be So Different in a year...#it will require me to put in the work now. but i can do it. and then a year from now. i'll hopefully be in a better spot.#living somewhere else. graduated from college. with a license and a car. maybe even an IT job of some kind.#kind of scared of trying to find a Big Boy Job. aka a job that requires a degree and networking and all that shit.#rather than just showing up and being like Hi i can do this job. i am not a total drain of a person. hire me please 👍#hfkahfks so many things to think about. and through it all i am still dealing with DEADLINES...!!!!#but yeah this is why my writing has largely been put on hold. idk i have a lot of things im dealing with rn.
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i've been really enjoying making devin's life suck shit lately. i know i keep saying every time i develop a new symptom i give it to them but there really is something to just. being a 38-year-old protagonist who won't kill yourself because you're not a dramatic 18-year-old anymore but who also spends literally every waking moment in so much fucking pain that you're constantly fucking begging to die. while everyone around you is like wow it's wild that you lived to 38 good job :) everyone with your condition before you has eventually lain down in the same graveyard and purposefully starved/frozen to death and you know that you're going to eventually too so you have a pact with your wife (the one you chose)(not the soulmate wife who's been making your life a living hell since you were 16 and she was a grown-ass woman) to die together but before you do you're both taking a ton of people down with you. you poorly speak about eight different languages because you're surrounded by refugees and immigrants and marginalized people and many of them are very afraid until they hear the relief of a familiar tongue and remembering these languages is exhausting because you are so sick all the time but it matters so much. you are terrified to die because whoever succeeds you will be just as sick and just as tired and just as empty and they probably won't make that same effort so you must go on standing you can't break that which isn't yours. you like soft blankets and string music and drums and the color green. you're in so much pain. your wife has made you a murderer but she first recognized you for your kindness a decade before you remember even meeting her. your magic is eating you alive. there is no cure and there is nobody who cares to find one. you wouldn't have chosen any of this but you didn't get a choice so now it's just a matter of what you do with your shitty time in this shitty body in this shitty world. your life sucks So Much Fucking Shit. you just want to curl up with your wife and sleep til you aren't tired anymore. you aren't EVER gonna get to do that.
#original fiction#autoimmune tag#devin#i really. really don't know if i'll ever be able to write this story like#my brain is fried and idk if my lifespan's been affected but even if not. My Brain Is Fried#so u guys can have some more detailed character concepting. as a treat. this is devin this is her whole deal#wlel not her WHOLE deal. but the parts of her deal that matter most#i havent reread or edited this. just take it. protags whose lives suck shit >>>>>#'i must go on standing you cant break that which isnt yours' is from regina spektor's aprés moi
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pushing daisies kaishin au #1
shinichi was killed by aptx 4869 but for some reason kaito was in tropical land as well and passed by where shinichi's dead body was, touched him, and brought him back to life.
kaito is aware he can bring dead things back to life with one touch since he was a kid. he���s also aware that the second touch will kill it again. permanently.
he has most of his resurrection experiences with his doves and flowers
the thought that he could possibly resurrect a human did cross his mind but what's the use when the one person he wanted to bring back didn't even have a body left to touch
so sue him if he accidentally touches a dead body he previously thought was someone just passed out.
there's a noticeable red glow that shines on the stranger that has happened enough to his doves and flowers he revived before to know exactly what he has done.
shinichi wakes up disoriented but completely sure that the searing heat and the pain on his chest earlier should've killed him yet there he was, alive. with a splitting headache and a bad taste in his mouth, yes, but alive.
kaito dumbly opens with, "you're alive...oh FUCK, you were dead!"
shinichi who still can’t see straight says, “which one is it, i can’t tell.”
shinichi sits up and tries to steady himself on the wall but instead weakly flails his hand towards kaito.
"NO! DON’T TOUCH ME!"
“okay...i’m not sure if i’m dead or not but i’m pretty sure i’m not contagious.”
kaito puts on his KID gloves and pulls shinichi up who's still looking dazed and confused.
"listen, i know you're a little disoriented what with all th- shit! your head is bleeding. okay *deep breathes* come with me but do NOT touch me."
"you're the one holding my hand"
"not the UNCLOTHED parts of me"
"I wasn't planning to 😒"
"OH MY GOD 🙄"
i still have 2 other variations of pushing daises kaishin au left ;)
#kaishin#kuroba kaito#kudou shinichi#dcmk#detective conan#dc prattles#im not adding the 'someone else dies when you let someone you revived live for more than a minute' rule because im gods weakest soldier lmao#but that's also a really great factor to think about if you want to go the super very angsty route#anyways this been in the drafts since forever cos i havent finished the other 2 but oh well here you go have this silly au#also also toichi 'died' and there's no body so kaito won't even be able to revive him one last time ;-;#i say 'died' cos i dont really know if this man is really dead or not lmao#ANYWAYS now shinichi needs to disappear#idk how but shinichi ends up staying with kaito and also finding out that he's kid#shinichi describes to kaito that the people who did that to him were 'men in black' and immediately kaito assumes it might be snake and co#im thinking maybe since agasa isn't there to talk some sense into him that shinichi would be like 'im gonna hunt them down as myself!'#and kaito is like BITCH YOU DON'T KNOW WHO YOU'RE DEALING WITH#kaito gets frustrated and ends up vaguely implying that he knows who tried to kill him#OFC BEFORE ALL THIS SHINICHI QUESTIONS KAITO ABOUT WHAT TF HAPPENED COS HE'S 99.9% SURE HE WAS DEAD lol#again since im gods weakest soldier and pandora is deus ex machina my beloved LOL#a way to revive shinichi properly is through pandora or maybe make kaito lose his power#IDK I JUST WANT THEM TO KISS AND MAKE OUT SO PANDORA DO YOUR IMMORTALITY THING IDC!!!!!!#THAT FUCKING PLASTIC WRAP KISS FROM THE ACTUAL SHOW WONT FLY WITH ME I NEED KAISHIN SUCKING FACE LMAOOO#anyways theres 2 more different pushing daises kaishin au in the draftsssss#they get angstier ayooo!!!
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Rules: Make a poll of your favorite female characters (no limits - as many or as little as you want) and see which your followers like the most! Tagged by @misspickman <33
Im tagging @bizzybee429 @vivasherclub @chitorita @elmflowers @random-blogger-also-a-fangirl (sorry if any of youve been tagged already i love you)
#i really love lust i juat havent been able to articulate her whole deal more#she was incredible and i feel like she deserved more development#anyways i could have put fuuko on here. im gonna put fuuko on here#there are obvs lots more but its almost 12am#the women that live in my head#i love them
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