#and i havent been able to deal with it
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yeah thats. what i thought. traumadumping i guess in the tags abt it.
#the only time i made Sure he couldnt touch me anymore was during a panic attack. and i didnt want him touching me but i did need comfort so#i sat on the floor with my best friend of several years and leaned on them for support#and he insisted on driving me home alone that night and then he started crying and insisted that i only ever let him touch me out of pity.#and then he said that if he didnt have a kid he would have been suicidal because of this#its. dealing with all this is part of why i havent been able to be on this account much. its been insanely stressful#because he lives with my best friend who i hang out with 3-4days a week usually. my best friend whose parent just died last month#and once i told them abt this they were like oh so thats a PATTERN of behavior bc hes apparently done this to multiple other people#notably people he's expressed that he's attracted to. and that being almost exclusively lesbians. this is a cis man btw#so. strained smile#txt
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HELLO ONE PIECE WATCHER are u obsessed yet
YAYA ITS SO AWESOME GAHH IM SO INVESTED 馃槶!!!! i actually just caught up in the manga to where i am in the anime!! (on ep 81, and on chapter 134!!!) i've shed lots of tears, laughed, and had my heart touched many times since starting it- i'm totally in love!!! I even cried at the same places i did while watching it when reading manga, ahaha!!!
the characters, the world, the designs, the dreams and ambitions everyone has is SOOOSOSO fun and like, inspiring.. just so good-feeling, i'll even wake up and be like "man, can't wait to watch/read one piece today"
the friendships/bonds created between everyone feels like, so strong- its really beautiful! I love how much fun the fights are, and i really adore the small moments between everyone (like when sanji brings out foods/drinks and everyone kinda just, chills and eats?? the food component of things feels so important too, I love seeing what they eat, idk why haha!!!)
i feel like other shows i love don't have enough time to just see everyone hanging out... it makes me so happy, im really thankful for those moments
also i would take a bullet for any of the strawhats in miliseconds!!! an instant!!!! anything for them!!
#ask#ask reply#text#vonchatty#like i've seen a lot of the character designs from it and always thought they were fun!!! its so nice to get to see them in action!#SO ITS SO EXCITING to see who interacts or like#whats happening with them or what their whole deal is#like there's characters im super intrigued by that havent even shown up yet!!#OH AND THE POWERS ARE SO FUN#also luffy is in my top list of MCs#he's incredible!!!!#also the middle aged men romance potential is sooo awesome#so many hot men in it.. good day to be a man enjoyer#OH AND I CANT WAIT FOR THE LIVE ACTION its gonna be covering everything i know so im SUUUPER SUPER excited for it#it looks super fun and i love how much heart has been put into it like everyone looks like they had so much fun and loved making it!!#i also think in modern times dreams feel impossible to reach so its so wonderful to see a story where people are able to#follow their ambitions to a full extent#long post
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also something feels a bit off about sonic and shadow's dynamic in the new tailstube but i dont really know how to explain it
#i think its the emphasis on the fact that they supposedly fight a lot and dont get along#like yeah theyve never been besties but to say that they cant get along at all and are always fighting. that doesnt feel quite right#these guys havent played shadow the hedgehog (2005) ..... smh#whatever its not a big deal its just a little youtube video#and it could have been worse. when tails told them they had to compliment eachother they were able to do that at least#showing that theres still some degree of mutual respect even if theyre just refusing to admit it 99 perecnt of the time now#tailstube#tailstube spoilers
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the way this is the best raph ive drawn and i dont think i can ever top it makes me furious
#im never gonna draw anything consistently so justttttt deal with that#but hhhhhhhhhh i just feel the emotion right here#and i havent been able to capture it as well since#maybe part of it is how rough the sketch is i dont know..........#the arting has been hard
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i found my sketchbooks!
#they were in a box full of.... used sketchbooks#makes sense#it was just buried in mouse poop and i havent been able to deal well#the mice are being dealt with!#but the fallout from that war is lots of mental scars ...#LMAO ANYWAYS#stenographes are back ON#stenograph#charbon
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recently discovered we have fucking bedbugs in the house and I am coping soooooooooooo poorly like I am becoming insane because of this ommmmmggggggggggg
#theres an exterminator coming soon and everything but like#i cant remember the last time i was this stressed out lol...... im dyyyyinggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg#i cannot be dealing with this bro...like.... of all the things i could be dealing with i need it to NOT be this one#if i have to get rid of a bunch of my stuff im going to become a demon fr literally#havent been able to eat or sleep for days lol
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you gotta draw everyday or you revert 5 years in progress
#kar#kyle and rex#kyle batillo#and others...........#my art#wauuuuuuuuuuuu..........................i missed drawing. unfrtounately now that ive gotten a chance i just feel like exploding becuase i#want to draw everything and also nothing sounds good or important enough to tackle first and it's uhdifficult to deal wif#@_@#i am also frustrated that i havent been able to get anything ''good enough to post'' on the first day i go back to drawing digitally after#like almost 2 weeks#so i need to calm down itll be fixed in a bit i just need instany gratificaition and results
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Honestly I hope u guys enjoy all my bowling and orchestra posting. I've got my 3 other classes that I've been keeping up with and all, but they are not really on my mind. No, what I care about is Orchestra and Bowling. Obviously not gonna let my actual classes suffer for it bc those are the ones I need to actually graduate. But I'm so glad I decided to sign up for orchestra and bowling like this. It means my schedule is pretty full bc I Am taking 5 classes (even if I only really have the course load of 3), but it's pretty worth it.
It's Enrichment for me... returning to an old + beloved hobby and developing a new hobby!! Which I've done recreational bowling for about as long as I can remember, but it's never been smth I've actually Tried to get better at before now. But now that I've been learning about the actual proper process of it all, it's really exciting!!! And getting to see such a dramatic improvement already has me just. Excited!!!!! I can be pretty good at bowling, actually!!!! And I love that for me.
#speculation nation#this does mean i havent been able to focus on my writing just yet like i was wanting to#but i think part of that has been the general exhaustion from me continuously being sleep deprived#+ exhausted from having to walk everywhere on campus and deal with the busses.#i think i'll be able to start biking again on monday tho. it'll be warm enough there shouldnt be any snow#and it wont royally suck to be on my bike for however long to get to my classes.#it means more physical activity. which is good for my brain!! and less dependance on the busses for transportation.#which means more freedom!!! AND with my bike's basket i dont have to tote my backpack everywhere on campus.#so even tho it means more exercise to get places. it makes me less exhausted. bc it's the good kind of exercise.#instead of just making me hurt 馃様#so. getting into the groove of things. doing better at not staying up too late.#and not being cursed by Way Too Cold again. things are looking up in la casa de me....
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Then... Tell antis to stop harassing people? You really do have this entire thing backwards (and no, sending you asks on Tumblr and playing a game isn't harassment)
Bro I literally am just sitting here I'm not responsible for every Guy on the internet and actually! Fun fact! Dont like ppl that call themselves antis for a lot of reasons!
#can someone pls find me the post thats like not anti not proship but a secret third thing (adult with better things to do)#also anon. block evading is. in fact. harassment.#anyway this is the only time im humoring u#i gotta deal w the fact i havent been able to sleep in 2 days
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if anyone is willing to talk to me abt possible system stuff that would b great btw i have zero ppl to talk to abt it lol
(or if i can be guided to like. idk. server that helps w figuring this shit out)
#askin some hard questions rn WOOOOO#mainly .#fr context i realized i was a system at like 13ish#do not have the trauma to qualify for a diagnosis#and have been off and on about thinking of myself as a system or not#primarily bc my identity was in a period of upheaval throughout my teen years thanks to abuse#i definitely have experiences that i think are having alters#even if i AM able to block it out hardcore and ignore it for the most part#i guess it is like a conscious sticking my head in the sand thing#bc honestly. dealing w processing trauma has been hard enough by itself#and there is in fact an actual goal the entire system holds itself to#sighs.#the way im talking sure is yelling the answer at me#ig im just like. lays on floor#i need validation lol#on whether or not what im experiencing is a thing or not#or if its possibly my psychosis acting up again#bc i am legit never sure abt that one#granted i havent had any of my other psychosis symptoms#(i think)#and i feel . fine?#so it PROBABLY isnt that#but it wouldnt be the first time ive had a rlly intense delusion thats altered my identity#and i am in fact really gullible#but also it Does feel weird to refer to alters as kintypes . bc theyre so fleshed out and Not That#sits.#and i also do dissociate like crazy#i hate it when things get complex lol#in reference to psychosis. no what i consider alters are not hallucinations#theyre WAY too fleshed out for that
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okay but like genuinely
the swollen lymph nodes arent that bad today
but both times i woke up this morning i felt nauseus (tho didnt get sick). my cough has been. really fuckin bad. and idk WHAT happened to my side bit it hurts when i breathe and cough. like around my rib area. i havent knocked into anything that would explain why it hurts either
so when i say im sick of my body being sick
this is what i mean
#yesterday it was recovering from two er visits about swollen lymph nodes#since thursday its been dealing with supposedly strep#since tuesday i figured it was a cold#since monday was worried it could be covid#since last sunday just a migraine#when will it END#i wanna go back to classes. i genuinely miss attending and learning. even my animal & human interrelations class i miss#idec about voting anymore - WHICH I WAS WANTING TO DO IN PERSON SINCE LAST MONDAY BUT HAVENT BEEN ABLE TO CAUSE IVE BEEN SICK#i just want my body to recover and STAY RECOVERED#is that too much to ask#amber's shit you can ignore
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Hi im writing some medical leave venting in the tags im not asking you to read it i just needed to put it somewhere impermanent. Oktybye
#havent been able to go to therapy for a month#barely able to pay my psychiatrist#havent been able to go to work for three months due to a work related injury#my doctor is upset its taking this long even with doing nothing and going to physical therapy#said that if it continues im going to ''have some explaining to do''#i do not control how well my tendon heals sorry#meanwhile medical leave payments have been a horrific chore to deal with#and its 60% of what i normally make#which normally is okay its been so stressful and tedious to even get it#unsure if i can pay rent#im not asking for money for that#i dont want to have to owe the people i already owe even more and those who wouldnt care i feel should use their money somewhere else#the antidepressants i take are starting to feel like not enough and im not sure if its just because of extreme stress or what#im sure things will get sorted out in the end#right now is just really tumultuous
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in the uncomfortable situation of having drawn a lot of art of characters that belong to a person that i want nothing to do with anymore. it's frustrating bc a lot of these pieces are also stuff that i'm proud of, skill-wise, but they are essentially tainted now. they will always remind me of who i drew it all for. but i also hate the idea of essentially throwing paintings into a digital fire.
#i havent even deleted the posts i have of them but that's moreso bc it is very painful to look back on them now#seeing our interactions in the notes or captions...i don't even want to look at it#i think that if this person was still able to go online i would just push through it and delete them all#but they will not have internet access for a very long time fucking hopefully#and there's just smthn abt knowing that they do not have any way to contact me or see any of my posts#that makes things feel like they are just in limbo#idk has anyone ever been in a situation like this? im just at a loss#cannot emphasize enough that this was not caused by petty drama or stupid internet fights#the things they did and the reasons i cut them off are some of the most serious shit i have ever had to deal with#and i will never be able to think abt them the same way again#textphelia
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i've been really enjoying making devin's life suck shit lately. i know i keep saying every time i develop a new symptom i give it to them but there really is something to just. being a 38-year-old protagonist who won't kill yourself because you're not a dramatic 18-year-old anymore but who also spends literally every waking moment in so much fucking pain that you're constantly fucking begging to die. while everyone around you is like wow it's wild that you lived to 38 good job :) everyone with your condition before you has eventually lain down in the same graveyard and purposefully starved/frozen to death and you know that you're going to eventually too so you have a pact with your wife (the one you chose)(not the soulmate wife who's been making your life a living hell since you were 16 and she was a grown-ass woman) to die together but before you do you're both taking a ton of people down with you. you poorly speak about eight different languages because you're surrounded by refugees and immigrants and marginalized people and many of them are very afraid until they hear the relief of a familiar tongue and remembering these languages is exhausting because you are so sick all the time but it matters so much. you are terrified to die because whoever succeeds you will be just as sick and just as tired and just as empty and they probably won't make that same effort so you must go on standing you can't break that which isn't yours. you like soft blankets and string music and drums and the color green. you're in so much pain. your wife has made you a murderer but she first recognized you for your kindness a decade before you remember even meeting her. your magic is eating you alive. there is no cure and there is nobody who cares to find one. you wouldn't have chosen any of this but you didn't get a choice so now it's just a matter of what you do with your shitty time in this shitty body in this shitty world. your life sucks So Much Fucking Shit. you just want to curl up with your wife and sleep til you aren't tired anymore. you aren't EVER gonna get to do that.
#original fiction#autoimmune tag#devin#i really. really don't know if i'll ever be able to write this story like#my brain is fried and idk if my lifespan's been affected but even if not. My Brain Is Fried#so u guys can have some more detailed character concepting. as a treat. this is devin this is her whole deal#wlel not her WHOLE deal. but the parts of her deal that matter most#i havent reread or edited this. just take it. protags whose lives suck shit >>>>>#'i must go on standing you cant break that which isnt yours' is from regina spektor's apr茅s moi
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Rules: Make a poll of your favorite female characters (no limits - as many or as little as you want) and see which your followers like the most! Tagged by @misspickman <33
Im tagging @bizzybee429 @vivasherclub @chitorita @elmflowers @random-blogger-also-a-fangirl (sorry if any of youve been tagged already i love you)
#i really love lust i juat havent been able to articulate her whole deal more#she was incredible and i feel like she deserved more development#anyways i could have put fuuko on here. im gonna put fuuko on here#there are obvs lots more but its almost 12am#the women that live in my head#i love them
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hey boss, any thoughts on the upcoming elden ring dlc? ur fromsoft takes are always enlightened
dont quote me on this but i thjnk miquella might be in it.
#MORE SERIOUS ANSWER: i still havent played it but since this was sent to me before it came out i assume its ok to just#write out my general thoughts. its sweet of u to say that my takes are enlightened btw haha im glad u think so.. that being said i#i dont think i have anything to say that hasnt been said already#the story trailer is soooooo. aughghh#the thing im most excited abt is the high probability that it sheds some light on the past of TLB like other fromsoft dlcs tend to do#also the equally high probability of getting more of st trina.... everyone and their mom has always been curious abt all that cut content#and if theyd ever explore it some more in the future#seeing omen-like horns in the trailer and promo material n such is especially intriguing to me bc im rlly invested in that side of the lore#(i love my grandpa who beats me with a stick)#and im still hoping that theres a crumb of shadow (as in. the wolves) content in there but it seems highly unlikely now haha#new weapons and gorgeous views to uncover & music are always exciting ofc. and so are the new npcs i hope at least one of em is either#a sweetheart i'll fall in love with or a freak i wont be able to stop thinking abt. fromsoft characters hit different#i have some concerns as well though. specifically gameplay-wise: i rlly hope that the map isnt too big bc while i LOVED er i still have my#qualms w/ some open-world scope problems it suffers from. mainly the reuse of certain enemies & minibosses. in the grand scheme of things#its not that big of a deal but i really hope that they took their sweet time working on smth smaller#n didnt spread themselves too thing ykwim#bc if they make me fight 20 more tree asylum demons and those loathesome root worms i might just cry LOL#er spoilers#ps sorry for the super late reply!!
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