#since monday was worried it could be covid

[ambersky0319]

okay but like genuinely

the swollen lymph nodes arent that bad today

but both times i woke up this morning i felt nauseus (tho didnt get sick). my cough has been. really fuckin bad. and idk WHAT happened to my side bit it hurts when i breathe and cough. like around my rib area. i havent knocked into anything that would explain why it hurts either

so when i say im sick of my body being sick

this is what i mean

[writtenonreceipts]

Rowaelin Month Day Five: Birthdays @rowaelinscourt

Month Masterlist // AO3 // Find Part One Here (not necessary to read)

Summary: Forced to live together during covid, Rowan and Aelin have their own series of misgivings while trying to get along.

Warnings: references to covid, but really it's fluff ~1.8k words

.*.*.*.*.

Level of Concern (tell me we're ok)

If she hadn’t expressed it enough already: Aelin hated the pandemic.  She hated isolation.  She hated separation.  She hated the unknown.  She hated all of it.

Yes, she knew it was important and key to seeing lower number spikes and she knew this was all she could do aside from getting vaccinated and it was all very important to take seriously.  Sure.  Fine.

But why did it feel so lonely?

She sat at the kitchen table staring at her breakfast of granola and milk wishing it were a triple decked pile of Nutella pancakes.  Her groceries were running low and since money was tight, she had to wait until her paycheck cleared on Friday before she could go to the store.  It was Monday.

Aelin glanced at her phone.  Again.

No messages.

It was only eight, earlier than her family knew she would ever get up.  Especially on a day like today.  Still.  She would have expected at least one text from Aedion.

A small shuffle down the hall told her that Rowan was awake.  Of course he was.  Aelin was pretty sure he woke up by five-thirty so he could still work out in the living room.  It really pissed her off that he wasn’t getting fat.  She’d gained two pounds since quarantine began.  Not that she could really tell…honestly, she knew it didn’t mean anything and who the hell cared what her body looked like.  If she didn’t have to worry about money she’d be eating her weight in cake right now.

“Are you alright?”

Aelin looked up to see Rowan standing in the kitchen entryway.  She hadn’t noticed his entrance, only thinking he was moving from bathroom to bedroom.

“So good,” she said.  She took a bite of now soggy granola and hated her entire existence.

Rowan, dressed in his usual slacks and neat button up, went to start a pot of coffee.  His pine scented soap permeated the air and Aelin tried not to sniff too loudly.  Why did he have to smell good too?

After the entire incident with the cookie dough weeks ago, Aelin had tried to put some much needed distance between the two of them.  Well, much needed for her.  He didn’t need her being awkward and fluttery around him.  Because she wasn’t.  Obviously.  He was just attractive and she was an idiot.

Rowan took a seat at the table across from her, bowl of premade overnight oats and bowl of berries set before him.  How much did he make that he could afford fresh fruit?  In this economy?  Maybe, maybe, once a month did she indulge on some nicer foods.  But after the “great egg famine” she relied a bit too heavily on cheaper items.  She should try working out.  Maybe that would help her slump.

“You’re staring at me,” Rowan said.  He was looking at his phone with some news app opened. 

“Am not.” Another soggy bite of granola.

“Sure,” he replied, drawing the word out.

Aelin rolled her eyes and stood.  She wasn’t going to finish this food, no matter how painful it was to waste it.  Besides, she had to prepare for her day.  She’d managed to snag a few jobs for the week that would hopefully keep her busy enough to ignore the fact that this birthday was going to be the worst she’d ever had.

#

The rest of the day passed by uneventfully.  Which Aelin had built herself up for, really.

Elide was a travelling nurse and with Covid, she’d been busier than ever.  Aedion was still stationed overseas doing something that was uber classified.  He could just say he was training with the SEALS and be done with it.  Lysandra had launched a new clothing store right before lockdown and was doing everything in her power to keep the little shop up and running.  Aelin spent a decent chunk of her paycheck on items from the store and most of her Insta feed was just reels Lysandra created.

She couldn’t be mad at any of them, not really.  Not even her own parents.  Her father had been leveraging to retire from his company but that hope had been shot out the window and her mother was helping to care for some relatives that were also struggling.  No one was immune to the chaos the last several months had caused.

Aelin was finally able log off her personal website having finished the long list of assignments and editing jobs.  Now she just needed to hear back from her clients and their re-edits.

Out in the kitchen Rowan was already bustling around.  She could hear pots banging and already a delightful aroma was permeating the air.  It was only five-fifteen, he must have finished up his day early, a first for him.

Scrubbing a hand down her face, Aelin grabbed one of her oversized flannels and tugged it on over her graphic tee, Read Banned Books was printed over the front.  It probably needs to be washed but she couldn’t be bothered with laundry.

As she shuffles out of her room she tried to decide what she has left to eat for dinner.  A frozen dinner or maybe ramen.  Which sounded terrible if she were being honest.

“I’ll be quick��” she began to tell Rowan as she entered the kitchen.  But she came up short when she saw the table was made up with two place settings.  And the stove was full of more than enough food for one person. 

She frowned.  Rowan was adamant over the rules of social distancing, his parents were older and at a higher risk of getting infected, so he wouldn’t have anyone over—the vaccine hadn’t rolled out for their area yet anyways.

Rowan glanced up at her, kitchen towel slung over one shoulder, his sleeves were rolled up leaving his forearms on display and bits of his tattoo peeking out from the fabric.

She was definitely staring.

“Happy birthday,” he said when she didn’t finish her thought. He gestured a hand around the messy kitchen then the table. “I was expecting you to take a little longer, so it’s not quite ready.”

Aelin blinked. “I don’t understand.”

“I know it’s your birthday Aelin,” he said, “and I’m sure it’s been hell for you today.  I wanted to do something nice for you.”

Something…nice?

“You made me dinner?” she asked, trying desperately to ignore the way her heart gave a flip in her chest.

“Yeah,” he said simply.  He glanced back at the stove. “It’s only a Tuscan chicken and bread.”

It was the nicest thing anyone had ever done for her in ages.  She looked over his shoulder as the chicken in its cream and sundried tomato sauce as it bubbled happily away, a pot of pasta behind it.  There were dishes scattered in the sink (she’d never seen him make such a mess before) and Rowan did have a mildly frantic look in his eyes.  It was the most disheveled she’d ever seen him.

“Thank-you,” Aelin said.  She brushed a hand through her hair unsure why she was feeling so frazzled.  “Can I help with anything.”

Rowan shook his head. “We’re almost done anyways.  Have a seat and I’ll bring it over.”

Following his direction, Aelin settled into her chair, still trying to figure out if she’d stepped into a different reality.

“How’d you know it was my birthday?” she asked as he finished getting everything together.

“Elide texted me,” Rowan told her, “told me that she didn’t know her schedule to give you a call and your family is…busy.”

“Right,” Aelin agreed.  Elide was dating one of Rowan’s friends, Lorcan, so it wasn’t completely strange that she would at least know of him.  “Where’d you learn to cook anyways?  You’re always whipping something up.”

“My ma,” Rowan said.  He dished a plate of food and returned it back before her.  Heavenly scents wafted up to her and Aelin realized she was salivating. “She always said she wanted to make sure I could take care of myself.  And I liked it, so I kept cooking after I went to college.”

It was the most she’d ever heard from him.  And now…now she wanted to hear more from him.

Rowan dished his own plate and sat in the chair opposite her. “I hope you like it.”

“It smells amazing,” she admitted.  She got a forkful of all the bits of the meal; chicken, basil, sundried tomatoes, parmesan cheese, all drenched in sauce.  Unable to wait for it to cool down she stuffed it into her mouth.  Rowan watched her with mixed bemusement (mostly concern).

“Oh,” she moaned, ignoring the look he was giving her.  “This is the best thing ever.”

“You’re going to burn your mouth to hell,” he said, slowly readying his own bite.

“Too good,” she replied.  She was only on her second bite and planning on seconds.  If he was going to cook for her, she’d eat every last bite.

Rowan muttered something under his breath that she couldn’t make out but she didn’t care.  It had been ages since she’d had a decent homecooked meal and this was more than decent.

“Was your day alright, all things considered?” he asked, passing her the garlic bread.

Aelin finally managed to slow down and take a drink of water and some of the proffered bread.  She took a moment to consider her answer.  If she told the truth he’d probably pity her more.

“It was okay,” she said.  “Same old.  I got a few new clients so it was keeping me busy.”  She wouldn’t see payout from these jobs for at least another three weeks which was why she was banking on this Friday’s payments to come through. “What about you?  No big ‘ol problems for you?”

She was teasing him, mostly.  He’d given her enough grief about her English degree in this economy that she didn’t being a little snippy right back at him.

Rowan rolled his eyes.  He took another bite to furlong his response.  “Same as always.”

Aelin quirked her brow. “So that f-bomb this morning was…what? Catharsis?”

“Yes.”

He responded too quickly that Aelin knew she had him.

“Right,” she drawled. “It’s alright to hate your job you know, no one will judge you or your fancy degree for it.”

“Aelin.”

She shrugged, mouth quirking in a smile. “Last one, promise.”

“I don’t trust you on that,” he said.

Aelin wasn’t offended.

They finished meal companionably, which shocked Aelin more than Rowan cooking for her.  And she helped him clean the dishes, because really, she wasn’t that terrible a person.

“So, no chocolate cake?” She asked as she dried the last pan.

“I cook not bake,” he said, “you’re on your own for that, princess.”

She resisted the urge to stick her tongue out at him.  As he turned to head back to his room for the night, Aelin garnered the last amount of courage she had for that day.

“Rowan,” she said, calling him back.  “Thank-you for tonight.”

He offered her one, rare smile. “You’re welcome.”

.*.*.*.

thanks for reading!! reblogs and comments appreciated. my blog @writtenonreceiptswrites is my fic only blog where i reblog all updates!

[thought--bubble]

She's Happy Now Part 5/5 (Final Part)

Modern Aemond X (Ex Girlfriend Reader)

Warnings Below

Word Count: 2,122

She is happy now Master List

Modern Aemond Master List

Full Master List

Banners by @arcielee

Warnings: angst

A/N: I apologize for the delay on this. Had midterms then covid, a job promotion I've been fighting for (should find out on Monday, please pray for me), then a family loss back to back, and was kind of struggling for a moment. I'm happy to get this out, tho!

Could I talk to you for a moment?

Your palms are sweaty while you wait for him to respond.

He looks dumbstruck.

"Hello?" Your patience is wearing thin.

"Oh, um yeah, of course." he gets up, composing himself and settling back into that stoic look of his. "We can go to the gardens? For some privacy?" He sounds indifferent, but in his head, he is analyzing every word he says.

"Fine," you say, unable to mask the anger that you feel. The walk to the garden is quiet, not one word spoken between you. The tension is thick, and you can't help but wonder if this is a good idea. Still, you continue on. 'This is long overdue' you think to yourself.

"I can't believe we are both going to be off at college in a few months, I'm gonna miss you so much" you clutch onto Aemond while laying under the rosebushes in the garden of the keep. Your secret place. Where aemond would take you to be alone.

"It will be fine. We will talk every day and I'll come visit you and you will come to visit me and before you know it we will have graduated and we will be getting married" Aemond says while entwining his hand with yours. "This is just a temporary separation. we'll look back on it later and wonder what in the 7 hells we were so worried about. " he rolls onto his side looking at your face. He pushes a strand of hair behind your ear. "Hey look at me" he says gently.

You turn your head and see his eye looking at you intently. "We are going to be fine baby. Happy as we've always been. I promise."

"You really promise?" You had been worrying for weeks about the upcoming distance. The tales of long-distance relationships between 2 college age students weren't exactly full of glowing success stories.

"I promise, I swear to you. We will be fine. We are simply meant to be" he raised your hand to his mouth and kissed your knuckles. "Always have been"

You enter the garden and sit on a bench that overlooks the rosebushes. Your rosebushes. Aemond is standing by the bench awkwardly unsure if he should sit so close. Your annoyance with him just standing there gets the better of you.

"Sit down, would you?, you're always bouncing its giving me anxiety." Your eyes are downcast, but you know he sat down next to you because you can feel it.

"I heard your little speech. Clearly, there is something you wish to say to me so..... just say it, " you say irritation in your voice. Clenching and unclenching your fists.

Aemonds mouth goes completely dry, and his hands start shaking. He imagined this scenario repeatedly over the last few years, and now that he is here his entire body is laced with anxiety.

"I owe you an apology" he says firmly.

"Yeah.... I guess you do" you say jaw clenched.

Aemond sighs and runs his hand down his face. "I fucked up. There's no question on that...... and I've thought of you practically every day since. You were more than my girlfriend. You were my best friend. My favorite person." He rubs his hands together trying to shake the nerves.

"Then why? Why? Why did you do it?" Your voice is trembling a mix of grief and rage

"Because I'm an idiot. I'm sorry. I know you deserve a better explanation than that, but I don't have one. I didn't plan it out. It wasn't some big conspiracy. It was me. Being a complete moron." He hangs his head and runs his fingers through his hair in frustration.

Your eyes start to well with tears. You lift your head and look toward the sky. "That's it? We lost everything because you're an idiot?" You clench your jaw. "You destroyed me, and it didn't even mean anything?"

He tries to think of a response to this, but he just can't. He doesn't have an answer that will make this better

"I didn't destroy you" he finally says after a long pause.

You look over at him, and your rage boils over. You shove him by his shoulder. "How can you say that? How could you possibly know how I felt? What it did to me?"

"You can't be destroyed." He pauses "you are so strong and-"

You interrupt him "stop. Just stop."

He says your name with an exhale. " I'm not trying to downplay the pain I caused you. I know it was immense. But I can't pretend that I destroyed you. You're so much more than us. You are smart, strong, and beautiful all in your own right. It's impossible to destroy something like that."

You sigh, frustrated. " I guess you're right. I survived. I made it. I'm happy now. " You bite your bottom lip

Aemond pauses and takes a deep breath. "H-he makes you happy huh?" The heartbreak in his voice is undeniable.

You think about this for a minute and smile. "Yeah. Yeah, he does." You feel a twinge of guilt,"even though I waste so much time being angry at you. He is patient. Caring......" You trail off.

"You deserve that." Aemond puts his hand to his chest as if to ease the swelling he feels there. "You deserve someone who puts you first. Someone who is smart enough to recognize what they have"

You ponder this for a minute. Cregan really has been immensely patient. Where a lot of people would have walked away from someone who seemed like they were still hung up on their ex, he was there. Patient understanding.

He sighs. "I know I can't change what I did....... But do you think. That it would be possible to be in your life again? Not the way I was. I know that, but honestly, I'd take anything." He wrings his hands wracked with nerves. "There is a hole in my life, and I know it's you."

Your chest tightens. You know the feeling. You have tried to fill that hole with hate and anger. it weighs heavily on you. "And what exactly do you suggest?"

"Friends?" He turns and looks at you directly now. "Please? I'm not asking for you to forgive me.... I'm not asking that you forget what I've done, but...... I can't go on without you in my life. " he sounds like he is holding back tears. " I've loved you for so long, and it isn't just a romantic love... it's deeper than that. " his breath is shakey.

"I'm still so angry" you say head down looking into your lap. "I don't want to be but I am"

He holds his breath and closes his eye. " I am too. I have been kicking my own arse for the last 4 years every day for chasing you out of my life." He rubs his palms down the front of his trousers. "Asking you this... it isn't easy but I have to try, don't I?"

You finally lift your head and look into his eye, and a wave of butterflies goes through you. You chuckle lightly. "Pretty brave of you, I have to admit. Since I was hoping you would spontaneously combust all through the ceremony"

He looks at you with reverence. As if he has been hiking through the desert and has finally found an oasis. He tucks some of your hair behind your ear. "That would have made things a bit easier, huh?" He laughs, but there is no humor behind it.

You feel a tingling sensation that goes all the way down to your toes at his touch. Your response is automated. Like you are being controlled by someone else. You bring your fingers up to his face and caress his cheek.

He takes in a harsh breath and closes his eye. A single tear escapes and trails down his face. "God, I missed you," he says just above a whisper.

With that, you lose it, and tears start flowing freely.

He opens his eye and lifts his hand to your face. "Can i?" He asks

You nod, and he cups your cheek. He leans in, pressing his forehead to yours. "I don't deserve it... but I need you...please..... give me a chance to be in your life, in any capacity."

"We'll be together forever," Aemond says, sure of his words as you lay in the grass next to each other. "No matter what. You're a part of me now. I can feel it"

You giggle and roll onto your side, holding onto him. "I know. I can't imagine my life without you in it." You shake your head. "That would be just terrible"

"Then let's make a promise," he turns on his side facing you. "No matter what, it will always be me and you. Always. We will always find a way"

"I promise always"

Aemond is holding your cheek and looking into your eyes. Hoping and praying for a response.

"I promise..... always" you say through tears. "We can find a way..... to be there for eachother I know we can"

He hugs you and pulls you tight up against him. He nuzzles his face into your hair and whispers. "Thank you, thank you. You have no idea how much this means to me"

He pulls his head back and looks into your eyes. "I know your with someone. I know you are happy with him. I would never do anything to take that from you. I..... i.... I just need to know you. I need to know who you are now. Who you've become."

With that, the levy finally breaks, and you are no longer talking to your ex-boyfriend who broke your heart and ruined everything but an old friend. A friend you missed dearly. You talk about everything you have done since you stopped talking. About you and Cregan your job. Your hopes for the future. He tells you about him. He tells you about how he has become an adjunct professor and that his love life is non-existent. You joke and laugh, both crying and laughing at the same time.

You get so lost in talking you don't notice the sun going down or the guests clearing out. What finally pulls you out of your conversation is Cregan entering the garden with his hands in his pockets.

Cregan shuffles toward you kicking lightly at dirt and small rocks as he makes his way over.

You stand up from the bench and wipe your face. You have a big smile on your face.

"Hey.... I've been looking for you" Cregan says apprehensively his eyes shifting back and fourth between you and Aemond.

"Sorry.... just out here making peace, " you smile while looking down at Aemond, who is still sitting on the bench.

Aemond stands up and extends his hand to Cregan. "I don't think I introduced myself properly earlier. I'm Aemond brother of the groom"

Cregan takes his hand hesitantly and shakes it. "Cregan...... "

You turn to Aemond and open your arms for a hug. You give him a hug and then pull back taking his forearms in your hands. "We will talk again soon. I want to hear all about that interview for the permanent teaching position"

"Yeah... talk soon" Aemond smiles and makes his way out of the garden. Giving you one last look back before he exits.

"So......" Cregan is looking all around not making eye contact with you.

"Hey," you take his hands "there is nothing to worry about. You were right earlier. I wasn't over it. Not because I want him still but because I never let him apologize"

He looks at you, a small smile creeping onto his face. "And has he?"

"Yes, and oddly enough, I feel a lot better," you say, the relief evident in your voice.

"Good" he says as he wraps an arm around you guiding you out of the garden.

As you walk, you think. You don't know if you and Cregan are going to make it in the long term. You don't know if one day you and Aemond may find your way back to each other. What you do know. Is that you needed this. That for the first time in years there isn't this heavy weight. You know that you can look back on your memories and smile. Knowing that although it didn't last, you were still lucky to experience something so beautiful, so meaningful. You feel lighter. And you know you really are happy now.

Just before you a Cregan exit the garden, you take one last look toward the rosebushes. And smile.

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[torturedblue]

It’s the middle of the week, have some dancing turtles

Spoilers below as I gush about my Mutant Mayhem Monday experience 🤗 please feel free to gush with me I wanna hear other people’s thoughts too!

First off… When Seth wanted to put the teenager in TMNT he meant it. Like, all the versions act like teenagers, but like Nickelodeon PG stereotypical teens. MM turtles were the realest PG-13 outta pocket 21st century teenagers I’ve ever seen and I love that shit because it’s the first time I actually felt like I was around the kids in middle school and high school again with the way they talk. Kinda appreciate Superfly cussing too? Like idk it’s Ice Cube and this villain goes hard tryna kill some teenage turtles he formally saw as his lil cousins, let the grown mutant cuss

Also uh, was not expecting to be sad so early in the movie? Like I could tell from the trailers it was gon be an emotional rollercoaster but shit like ten minutes in and these turtles are fuckin depressed. And to see it really hit me because in every other version (except for Bayverse) the turtles literally never let not being part of the human world get to them. In the shows especially they’re so well adjusted and never bothered by sticking to the shadows. Then there’s Rise where they pretty much go out whenever they want and indulge in most of the human world stuff they want to. For these guys to be so stunted and desperate to have more freedom was so heart wrenching. Especially when Splinter grounds them for a whole month and the reality sinks in of how much they know the life they want isn’t an option for them

Wasn’t expecting any kind of ship or romance but that crush Leo has on April hit me like truck because…… holy crap the Leo-April pair has never been a thing? On top of that this is only the second on screen black April we’ve seen and I’ve been a Leo kinnie across the board since day one so to see this combo of my favorite character liking a black girl is making me lose my mind 🥲 and like it got me thinking of several of my favorite shows and the single characters I kin in those and if they’ve ever had black love interests and it’s just still not a common normalized thing honestly.

I’m sure a lot of people aren’t excited for the prospect of ships coming back (especially after 2012 scarred us) but as a Leo lover and black girl it got me so excited to see something like this. I’m just hopeful and optimistic they won’t mess it up like a lot of shows do. The “this is just as friends line” already makes me a little worried bc that trope never has a good history but I have faith they’ll handle things tastefully and not make it toxic or messy

MURDER THE SHREKS!

“I assume you’d wanna be on camera. ‘Cause you have, like a very camera ready look…” OKAY SMOOOOOTH LEONARDOOOOOO 👏🏽

Could not stop laughing while he was shooting his shot my face was literally donnie’s restraining myself from bursting out laughing

Just a couple of my favorite questions that April wrote down for them:

“Do you carry salmonella?” Look I still don’t know wtf salmonella is but it’s the second time a TMNT iteration has joked about it so I’m starting to think it has something specifically to do with turtles 👀

“Have you caught covid?” Oml covid exists in this world

“Are you the source of covid?” OUT OF LINE 💀

“How many people has the red bandana turtle stabbed? Does he need therapy?” Yes.

“Does sunlight cause you to burst into flames?” They’re- they’re not vampires? 😂

Leon Ardo deserves the world and whatever he wants in it give him everything 😭

I will never understand what made Donnie laugh so hard at the name Nardo other than it being because it’s his sibling and that it bothers Leo lmao

All imma say about the puke scene is that I’m glad I heard an “out of context” spoiler about it bc I knew exactly when to look away and I’m glad I did bc the scene lasted for so long??? 😀❓But hey at least I had Unwritten to listen too while I was sparing my eyes 😂

The sequence of them going around and shaking down those gangs and Superfly’s connections. BAD. ASS. And each of them got their own moments to shine? Loved it. Like they each even got to take point and have their moments where they got to kick in the door lol. And the fight scenes were just, muah. Chef’s kiss, they all looked amazing taking grown ass adults down together

Okay Splinter definitely gets the best dad award for putting together that little surprise party, with all the celebrity Chris’s and pretending to wait on them 🥺 so pure. It did make me sad the guys immediately left and you can just see such a sad dejected look on Splinter’s face, knowing he can’t provide what his kids really want or make them happy enough without it 🥲 At the very least they say thanks and that they appreciate but I would’ve at least stayed for a lil bit and gone along with it, Splinter just looked so excited about it and it was so sweet 😭

And he doesn’t even get upset though he knows they’re hiding something, he just says he’ll help them if they’ve gotten into trouble, which is something I’m sure almost every kid has wanted instead of having the kind of relationship where they’re more scared of telling their parents they messed up instead of handling it on their own

I love how musical Superfly’s family is 😂 Ray Filet just starts sing-introducing his name and Mondo and the other couple mutants when they drive with in the car trying to find music they could all sing to together 🥹 not to mention the musical references Superfly makes later that I’ll get to. “Kinda don’t wanna murder everyone on Earth, I just kinda wanna sing” Me too bruh.

Raph immediately going “goochi goochi goo” and playing peekaboo with Genghis frog is so underrated that boy has such a soft side he’s not even that afraid of showing at times, and maybe it’s continuing the trope of Raph having a soft spot for pets/animals? Who knows 😌

Yo I was kinda shook when that government guy knocked Leo out and he just fell unconscious on the ground 😶 Like we’re used to seeing the authorities be brutal especially in movies like this but that’s a whole teenager? You just assaulted a minor? 🙂 Crazy

Also I know it’s sad they got captured and drained painfully but Mikey in that scene was hilarious 😂 like even the way he was dramatically crying and Leo was just started to cry with him like “iM sO sOrRy mIkEeEeEy! 😭” gold. When one of his children is hurting Leo hurts too. One of my favorite moments 🤣

They literally started singing BTS while being tortured they’re so unserious but like in a serious way to them and I love it. Also the fact that they did it just to make Donnie feel better? So pure. Like Raph of all turtles offered to sing while being drained of blood (bc I refuse to use the m word 💀)

The way Splinter snuck in and soloed literal government soldiers single handedly? Badass. Never loved seeing a Splinter save his sons so much 🥹

“But it’s the only way we’ll be accepted.”

“No! We accept you!”

“You can come live with us! We accept you!”

“WE VIBE!”

Oml they’re so puuuuure 😭 I really thought this was gonna be a moment where the guys invite them all to come live with them and Splinter was gonna be like ‘aha 😬 whoa slow down there’ but damn nah he was just as enthusiastic as them inviting all those mutants to come live in their home forever “The more the merrier!” Like ugh he just loves finding family like Baxter Stockman and we see where the guys got their loving nature from 🥹

The amount of his soul Mikey put into that BROSEEEPH was so real like I’ve never heard the name broseph be said in any other way, I’m so glad they put that moment in there

“New York, New York!” “I’m the king of New York!”

Oml superfly’s a Broadway baby 🤗 he’s a big bad villain marching through time square and talking about King Kong but he’s fill gonna nerd out and make his musical theatre references 😂

“For once in your life you didn’t sound lame. You actually started to sound like a leader”

“That was really heartfelt Raph”

I love the Leo Raph dynamic in this movie. Like they don’t always agree or understand each other but they will show love towards one another and show mutual appreciation

Something about any of the turtles shells cracking always gets to me for some reason like those are some serious permanent injuries so I want to see if they do anything special with that in the sequel or show maybe 🤔 And I couldn’t tell if all of theirs cracked or just one, and if so which turtle it was. I think Leo or Raph. I feel like it was Leo but Raph’s are also starting to have a trend of getting cracks in their shells so 🤷🏽‍♀️

Also I do not want to judge what other people like to wear but why are Raph and Donnie the only normal dressed ones 😭 like Mikey looks like he’s going on vacation and Leo looks like he’s going to clock in at Best Buy 😂 tell me it’s because they have limited resources for clothes lmao. HE’S LITERALLY WEARING A LANYARD

Them taking off the masks was crazy honestly… like them deciding not to wear them made my brain pause until I realize they’re kids going to school now and not being ninjas all the time… they don’t need them anymore. I’m just so pleased with the fact that this movie was willing to do what all other iterations weren’t. I see why they’re getting a sequel and show already, these guys and the plot development deserve so much more exploration

Maybe I missed something in the beginning but I’m wondering where Stockman went. Like is he still in custody? Did he die? Because not seeing him again that’s what I assumed but we only saw him get arrested or whatever, so if anything I don’t get why Superfly and the others wouldn’t try to break him out 🤔 I was surprised they didn’t make him a villain though, but I’m pretty happy about him getting to be a more optimistic kind character tho

SHREDDER HAD ME SHOOK LIKE THE ARMOR ALREADY LOOKED SO COOL AND I WAS NOT EXPECTING THEM TO GET THE BIG BAD INVOLVED AHHHH I’M SO READY TO SEE THEM REACT TO THIS ANGRY GIANT TIN CAN

Although I do wonder if Shredder’s gonna have some personal gripe with them since they have a different backstory he doesn’t seem to be a part of. And shit now that they’re public and in school it’s gonna be so much easier for him to go after them 😅 pluses and minuses…

The soundtrack: golden. Cultured. Nothing but range. Goes from a 90’s rap song to Natasha Bedingfield’s soulful 2000’s song. Most movies only ever have all pop mainstream songs or only rap songs because they think they can’t mix but MM does it effortlessly. The turtles are so versatile not just with music genres but they make old and new references ‘cause they’re well rounded kings 💪🏽 Between rizz, Adele, broski, Hey Arnold, K-Pop, Ferris Bueller, etc… I mean Donnie’s literally doing the sprinkler and the funky chicken in that gif up top 😂 they’re born in 2008 I doubt any kids today know about those dances anymore

Clearly I have all the thoughts and feelings about these boys and the movie, but I think this is probably my favorite TMNT movie? I’ve loved all of them but I think this one definitely brings me the most comfort fr

[livfastdieyoung69]

I’M NOTHING, I’M NOWHERE

(mcintyre!gn!reader x cm punk)

Your brother was going insane. There’s simply no other way to put it, he was just going crazy. For instance, now. He let Punk get to him so much that he lost a title match, after so much hard work, again. And this time, in Scotland. Your home!

“Drew, I get that this is tough, but maybe…maybe you’re letting him get to you too much.” You spoke, exhausted of both of their antics as he paced back and forth in your dressing room. Why he was in your dressing room anyways, you didn’t really know, but he’d pushed right through the door and wouldn’t stop grumbling. ‘CM Punk’ this, ‘CM Punk’ that, you were a little worried he had a crush on the man.

Not like you didn’t, you’d been in a bit of a relationship with him for who knows how long anymore. Especially Drew- he didn’t know at all.

“I just lost in front of our people, and it’s my fault after he did this to me?” He glared over at you, towering over your sitting from as if none of this could possibly be on him.

“I’m just saying-“ Your not allowed to finish before he cuts you off with a scoff and a shake of the head, turning to leave your locker room, no trace left behind.

You don’t see him or even talk to him, he won’t pick up your calls, until you tune into Raw the next Monday, only to find out he’s up and quit. Your brother, who you worked side by side with for years, quit his dream because of your situationship. What the hell.

And he still wouldn’t answer your calls! You’d gone all week stressing about him, even going as far as texting Phil about it, threatening to punch him in the face if he ever did this to your brother again. (You wouldn’t, but you’d give him the silent treatment long enough that he’d fold and leave Drew alone completely if worse came to worse.)

Friday had already been tough not just from the week of no Drew, and the weeks jet lag of Scotland to your home to Chicago, but also the anxiety of an important match- a money in the bank qualifying match. If you didn’t have as much going on you’d have no doubt you’d win but you also had to face Phil for the first time since Clash at the Castle. It was hard to stay mad at him, especially in person. You knew he’d give you the big dumb puppy dog eyes and a sweet smile, maybe even a kiss to the forehead and you’d do nothing but fold the same way he does to your silent treatment.

Luckily, you hadn’t seen him in the building. The longer he stayed away the longer you stayed winning. You were a little worried he might no show when the time started getting close, to the point where you watched the screens in the gorilla and asked the camera men if anyone had showed up while you waited for your opponents.

Of course, you won. It felt eerie though, without having your brother to call and celebrate by screaming excitedly at each other. This was such a big moment, but all you could think about was Drew. Hell, you started reminiscing Covid when you got to be on the same roster together. It wasn’t like you could celebrate with Phil either, you were supposed to be mad at him, he wasn’t here, and that’d just make you think even more about Drew. Who knew winning a qualifying match for what could possibly be the greatest moment of your life would suck so much? You scurried off to your locker room to change into comfortable clothes and sulk by your lonesome, maybe send Drew a passive aggressive text or two.

After growing bored of sitting in your misery after about half an hour, you huff and puff your way to the door, tugging the heavy thing open. The sight of the hallway stops your heart. Nearly shatters it, really.

There, in front of nearly half the damn roster, your fucking brother is scowling his way through the hallway with a bloody and blundered half to death CM Punk thrown over his shoulders, practically skipping towards the gorilla.

“Drew?” You ask, stumbling from the door as you watch him move further ahead. “Drew!” Your pace picks up, quickly following after your brother but somehow he still held room over you with a man on his shoulders. “What the hell are you doing, Drew! Drew!!” The tactic of getting louder in hopes that he’d stop ignoring you doesn’t seem to be working. Drew disappears from your sight and a crew of staff rushes in front of you, trying to reach your brother before he makes it out of the curtains.

The fans reactions tells you they didn’t make it. The yelling for a medic tells you Drew is really, fully going batshit.

Pushing your way through the crowds of people and the curtain you see your brother first. Relief that he’s okay fills you, he’s still your brother after all, but it leaves when your gaze moves to Phil- unmoving, hair caked in blood, and dumped on the ground.

You look back up to your brother, your older brother you idolized for so long, and back to the man you’ve loved for maybe even longer.

“What the hell the did you do, Drew?” Your voice cracks, raw with emotion, as you walk towards him. “What the fuck is wrong with you? What did you do?!” You push at him but it doesn’t do much. He doesn’t even look at you, just stares down at Punk and the medics cluttering the space around him. You turn from him and tumble down to your knees.

“Phil? What’s-what happened? What did he do?” He doesn’t answer, doesn’t look at you either. Doesn’t seem like he can do much but breathe. “He’s gonna be okay, right? He’ll be fine.” You turn to the closest medic, assuring yourself before they even answer and scoot closer to Punk. “Everything’s gonna be fine, baby. You’re gonna- you’re gonna be okay!” You grab a hold of his hand, standing with the medics as they start pushing the stretcher up and out. Suddenly they’re pushing you away, trying to tell you that you can’t ride with him but you don’t hear them over your own screaming voice telling Phil everything will be fine.

The doors to the ambulance close, the cameras shut off, and Drew is long gone. The world moves on, another segment plays, but you’re still here. Alone, covered in your lovers blood and the accidental betrayal of two siblings.

MWAHAHAHAHHH ANGSTT (the titles from broke back mountain teehee) didn’t wanna do it under a specific request cause i believe this fits two or three but either way i gotta go snooze i got work in like three and a half hours 🥲

[silverfoxstole]

OK. Right. I've sorted my panel photos, which I'll start posting tomorrow (I won't bombard you with them all at once!), so I can get my thoughts straight about yesterday. This is going to be long; sorry! I'll divide it into two parts so that those who want to skip my wittering and just see the pics can.

I hadn't actually thought I'd ever go to a con again; my last one had been back in 2009 and they've got a hell of a lot bigger since then, which sort of puts me off as I don’t really like crowds, and living as I do right down on the south coast they're usually too far away. However, when back at the end of January an ad popped up out of the blue on my Facebook feed informing me that Paul would be appearing at Portsmouth Comic Con (less than ten miles from me) my heart skipped a beat and I started wondering whether I'd be able to go. Of course, there was nothing stopping me but I wasn't keen to go on my own, and I knew my DW-and-anything-else-related-to-scifi-fantasy-etc-hating sister would never agree.

When not long later I saw Sylvester was going to be there as well I mentioned it to my friend P (with whom I’ve attended cons in the past), lamenting that I had no one to go with and not really expecting her to suggest that she try to come down from Manchester so we could go together but to my surprise she did and so the tickets were duly booked. Fast forward to about three weeks ago, unfortunately, and things started to go - literally in this case - off the rails thanks to a driver's strike and then engineering work that meant no trains into Portsmouth for the 11th and 12th and P very reluctantly having to drop out because she wouldn't be able to get down here and back in time for work on Monday. Still wanting to go but not really wanting to do it alone I had no choice but to ask sis to come with me, which she very gamely did and I owe her. Big Time. It’s really not her thing and I know she didn't enjoy it at all. She works in town and made me stand on the outside in the queue in case she saw anyone she knew!

I had been worried about how I was going to react as I do suffer from anxiety and I've not been amongst crowds since before Covid, but much to my surprise I was completely relaxed, even when talking to the guests; I'm obviously long past my 'OMG it's Paul!' phase (thank goodness!) and instead it was a case of 'Oh, yeah, there he is, and Sylv and Sophie (a later addition, and one I'd been hoping for) too.' I don't know whether it's because they're so familiar or I just got used to actors popping in when I worked in a shop near a theatre, but it was easy and I'm so glad! The reflexology session I had in Thursday might have helped keep me calm, too; if you’re feeling tense I recommend it!

I had only previously visited the Guildhall for concerts (sis knows it better as she's had to do presentations to the city council in the past) so it was rather odd to be in there during the day. I have to say that I think they could have put aside more room for the guests as it was difficult to work out who was queuing to see who (ho ho). It was very warm and the setup also made taking photos a bit awkward with people having to dance round each other a bit. We went to see Paul first (of course), and when he clocked me in my NotD cosplay he leaned back, smiled and announced 'It's like lookin' in a mirror!' I honestly can't remember exactly what I said in response to that! Probably nothing that coherent! He asked if I'd made it myself, which gave me a neat opportunity to present the gift I'd made for him: an Eighth Doctor bear and Mr Bush bear.

I think i've wanted to make bears for Paul ever since I put together the first one nearly three years ago, but I never thought I'd get a chance so when I knew I'd be going to the con I started planning. I was originally just going to do the Doctor, and make a Seven bear for Sylvester, but as they were coming to Portsmouth I decided to do Bush as well since I can’t imagine Paul gets a lot of Hornblower-related gifts. Of course, when it was confirmed that Sophie would be there I had to make an Ace bear too and here they all are before I packed them up yesterday morning, sitting on the bags i'd also run up to put them in (not pictured, my terrible embroidery name tags to help me tell who was who):

I'll do some more detailed posts so you can see them properly another day, but I was so pleased with they way they turned out that it was really hard to give them up! At least I knew they'd be going to good homes!

When I gave Paul the bag he just looked at me in surprise and went 'Is that for me? Can I open it now?' and there was a smile on his face as soon as he saw what was inside. 'That's my career! Doctor Who and Hornblower!' He absolutely loved them, couldn't believe I'd made them and told me 'I have a room where I keep all the gifts I've been given, and these are going to take pride of place.' I couldn't wish for more than that! Well, maybe a photo of him with them but it was busy and I didn't like to ask and possibly hold things up. I hope he's found the alternative Dark Eyes outfit that I added for Eight bear as I had some fabric leftover from my jacket; the sonic for that one took a bit of ingenuity!

He asked about my costume again while we were getting into position (for want of a better term) for a photo and commented that so many people are paying someone to make their cosplays now and spending a hundreds of pounds, something I'd guess he finds quite astonishing given the incredulous look on his face when he said it. I could be wrong, but I got the impression that he likes to see what different fans have come up with; there are a lot of people who seem to be patronising Steven Ricks since Paul got his remade costume last year, which I can understand because the man is a brilliant tailor, but sometimes it must be a bit like seeing clones.

Jen took the photo and we were about to leave it there but then this strangely confident person I found inside me asked Paul a question:

‘Can I be cheeky?’

‘Sure.’

‘Can I give you a hug?’

‘Of course!’

Well, if you don’t ask, you don’t get! (says the woman who hates asking for things in shops) He gives very good hugs. 🥰

I did manage to let him go (it wasn’t easy!) and he thanked me again for the bears before we moved on to see Sophie, which involved going round to join another queue in the same small space. Confusing? Yep!

I don't know who here has met Sophie Aldred but you should because she is so, so lovely. Ace has always been one of my favourite companions and I was so pleased when I saw she would be coming. I'd already started an Ace bear with the intention of giving it to Sylvester with his, but of course that got changed and Sophie was smitten. She looked really closely at it, remarking on the little details - 'Oh, it's even got the plait. And a rucksack and baseball bat!' - and sat it proudly on the corner of her table, where I assume it stayed for some of the day. Apparently it's the best Ace bear she's ever seen - you can't get a better accolade than that! (My head was swelling somewhat by this point, by the way. I don't like to blow my own trumpet but I don't often get so many compliments, and never in such a short space of time, so i hope you can forgive me for including them.)

Last but not least, of course, there was Sylvester, which meant another queue in the same space, which was just daft as because their tables were next to each other you didn't know whether people were waiting for him or for Paul. I'm sure that could have been organised much better than it was. In the same section there were also two chaps who had somethng to do with Star Wars who weren't getting much attention at all which was a bit awkward. They haven't gone back today and I can't blame really them.

I've wanted to meet Sylv for years and he didn’t disappoint. He liked the fabric the bag was made from because its starry night pattern was similar to his waistcoat, which admittedly was why i bought it in the first place. When he got it open and saw what was inside he said 'Oh! I'm a little bear! That’s lovely!’ and when I said I'd made one for Sophie too leaned round trying to see it on Sophie's table. I half wish I'd made a set of both for each of them now but that might have been overkill, and I would have needed a rucksack of my own to transport them all; my bag was full to bursting as it was. Maybe if I see them again I’ll give Sophie a Doctor bear and Sylvester an Ace. As it stands I am so, so pleased that all three of them liked something I'd made so much, and Sylvester and Sophie were both also taken with the cartoons of the Seventh Doctor and Ace that I asked them to sign.

Phew! If you've reached the end of this, well done! I know I have tendency to ramble on and I commend your stamina! I'll put the photos in a separate post but I was one happy camper, especially as just afterwards i got another compliment on my costume and was asked to pose in the TARDIS! We didn't stay the whole day as it was hot, I'd pretty much seen what I wanted to (the Doctor Who 'exhibition' was just a few monster replicas, most of which weren't that good, unlike the really impressive experience they had last year for the 60th and which I would have loved to see. And there were no daleks! My ambition to hug a dalek sadly remains unfulfilled *sniff*) sis had developed a headache, but I'm very glad I went. 😀

[lantur]

I've read lately about the value of doing a 10-minute journaling session on most days to help relieve stress and clear your mind, so here goes. Things I've been thinking about:

I love brushing Westin in the morning. He loves when I brush his face and he purrs so much when I do that. I feel like mornings are our special time together - I give him breakfast and the scraps of milk left from my tea, and he sits with me while I stretch on the rug before I go to the gym. Starting every day with him is great.

How lonely it can be to be a student. I spent most of today catching up on work at my job and at school. I didn't get to hang out with David for playing board games and watching our show until the evening, and I missed him. I've been feeling a bit lonely lately. I think it's because of all the time I now spend doing my readings and writing papers, on my own. It needs to be done, but it's still an adjustment.

I've been feeling more anxious lately, and it may be because of how short the days feel.

Long-term goals. It's been a year and three months since I got back into weightlifting. I'm proud of how my routine has paid off, but it's taken a lot of consistency. There are some goals where the progress is measured in months or years, and I'm right in the middle of that with learning Spanish and with school. The path ahead feels so long. I'm trying to encourage myself by reminding myself to take one day at a time, rather than thinking of the ~3 years that are ahead for Spanish and the ~1.5 years that are ahead for school.

It seems surreal that I'm scheduling meetings for December and already thinking about things that will happen in January - March of 2025. Where did this year go?

the final thought - trigger warning for pandemic-related matters,

The news is stressing me out -- bird flu news, recalls for e.coli in ground beef and carrots. The truth is that this time of year brings up frightening and unpleasant memories for me. I didn't even realize that until last Monday, when I was in line at Target and happened to read an article about bird flu on The Guardian.

It was late November/December of 2019 when I first started to see posts on Reddit about Covid in Wuhan. I remember seeing the speculation in Reddit comments about what would happen to the world if this coronavirus could experience widespread transmission outside of the localized region where it was identified. I remember asking David if the stuff I was seeing on reddit was legit and if this would be a problem for us. He said no, don't worry.

I remember the way things unfolded from November to March, and how deeply scary and uncertain things were in March. It's November again, I've seen articles about bird flu crossing my path on The Guardian and CNN again, and it scares me. I never want to go through a repeat of 2020.

I've started gradually building up on cat food for Westin, canned beans and tomatoes, cooking oil, and planning on doing some other shopping, just in case. All this has been on my mind for days but I haven't told anyone besides David or my in-laws or written about it on here because I don't want to be a crazy person or paranoid or frighten others. But I would be dishonest to myself and my friends if I didn't admit that was a big cause of my anxiety lately.

I will breathe easier when we make it through the end of March.

I am trying to give myself grace because as I write about it now, I know that 2020 was a legitimately traumatizing event for the world, and that applies to me too as someone who lived through it. Winter is dark and cold, and things have felt frightening and uncertain in the United States due to the political situation since earlier this month. It's sort of the perfect storm for anxiety in a person who has a long history of anxiety.

I think I can try to cope with this by again, focusing on taking things one day at a time.

[dykehayleywilliams]

may I ask about the mitski curse or is it secret knowledge

*LONG POST INCOMING* It all started in 2016.

I've been a Mitski fan since 2014 when First Love/Late Spring premiered on Stereogum and desperately wanted to see her live. The chance finally came after I moved to New York; I had tickets for her show in February 2016 at The Knitting Factory. But then. A freeze hit the city that weekend, resulting in a pipe in the shitty apartment bursting so I missed the show because I had to wait for the emergency repair guy to come by. Okay, well that's a bummer, I though. I've been waiting for almost two years to see Mitski but surely I'll get another chance. July 2016. I was living in Texas for the summer, a few hours away from Austin, where Mitski had a show scheduled. Perfect! I can drive up to the show! My old, barely functioning truck can handle the drive! It did not. My car broke down two hours outside Austin.

November 2016. Third try to see Mitski in a year is the charm, right? Oh wait, I waited too long to buy a flight to my grandma's for thanksgiving and I had to fly out the day of the Mitski show because every other flight was $500 more expensive.

By 2017 I was starting to get worried. I had tickets to see her April 2017, but I got horrific food poisoning and couldn't get out of bed for three days.

I didn't get another try until late 2018 on the Be The Cowboy tour during her 4 night residency at Brooklyn Steel. Except Mitski's popularity had blown up significantly and I couldn't get tickets when they went on sale the first three shows. BUT THEN a fourth show was added, on a Monday night, and I finally got tickets! Perfect! Until I had a final project for one of my classes scheduled the same night that I could not miss without failing the class, and I desperately tried to find tickets for another night but none were available for under $300.

At that point I was convinced: I was cursed. There were no tour dates I was even able to TRY to make, and then in September 2019 Mitski played Summer Stage (two weeks after I moved from New York) and announced it would indefinitely be her last live show.

October 2021: Mitski releases Working for the Knife and announces a tour. The closest tour date to where I was living was 8 hours away, but I fought for my life for tickets and was determined I would finally break the curse.

I got COVID two days before Mitski's Denver show in March 2022.

BUT WAIT! Mitski was announced as one of the openers for HSLOT's European stadium leg! And my friends and I planned a bar trip to Scotland that lined up with the weekend of Harry's show in Glasgow! Okay, maybe seeing Mitski as an opener at a stadium show isn't ideal, but I was desperate. Except, of course, the stadium entry was a complete mess, and we didn't get into the show until the very end of Mitski's set. I had finally seen her live, but for 8 minutes and at what cost.

I wasn't happy, but I told myself it wasn't the end of the world because I already had plans to see Mitski at the All Things Go festival in October, so redemption would come soon enough. Then Hurricane Ian hit and my flight to DC that had a layover in Orlando was cancelled the day before I was supposed to leave. At that point, there was nothing I could do but laugh. Why did I think it would go any differently this time? No. I couldn't take it anymore. I dropped wayyyyy too much money on a different flight to DC with no layover. That flight was delayed by 5 hours, but I made it. Nothing was going to stop me.

Mitski's set starts. We're in the pit, I'm 5'2" so I'm on my tip toes, straining my neck to keep my eyes on Mitski. And then. Everyone's BeReals went off during Francis Forever and the crowd became a sea of phones. I was crushed. I had broken the curse, but 9 years too late.

[forgottenluck]

This is....extremely hard for me to write. It's not going to be a happy post. I'll put the meat of it under a readmore, since there's....a lot to explain.

This morning, (Wednesday April 3rd) at 6:15am, My mother left us.

I knew that this was coming, sooner than later. The past few weeks have been hard.

She had no quality of life. She couldn't get up in bed, she definitely couldn't walk. She'd been bed-bound for 6 months. There's been close calls before too....when she's had UTIs and covid. The last time she got a UTI I....really thought I was going to loose her. She looked so bad, couldn't stay awake for more than a few moments...

It was nothing like this.

I went to visit her on Thursday of last week, before my convention. She wasn't great, but she was still responding to me, still eating if i helped her. She didn't eat much....but it was something. I figured it was another one of her dips. She's always been on a roller coaster, health wise. She'd have good moments, she'd have bad. It was always a toss up on a given day that she'd be good or bad.

She never recovered from this one.

And my Aunt, who took over careing for her and handling her affairs so that I could escape from that, did not tell me until Sunday evening. Though at that point, it was just "she's not doing great" type of deal. Monday was the same.

Then Tuesday came. I was feeling good, ready to get back to work after my little vacation. I was chipper, happy.....Only to get a message from my aunt saying that Hospice had called her, to tell her that the end was extremely close.

I dropped everything and ran up to the Nursing Home to see for myself, since there'd been plenty of times where the alarm had been sounded but she actually wasn't that bad.

But she was.

She was not awake at all. They hadn't given her anything, but she wouldn't wake up. She was so tiny and skinny from not eating, palid and grey....it's indescribable unless you've been through it yourself. I knew at that moment that she wasn't going to last long. I stayed with her for hours until the weather forced me to get home. She was still drinking water....to an extent. It had to be on little sponges that she would suck on. But she was running a fever that never left, her oxygen level had tanked to the point where they put her on oxygen.

But the clencher was the rattle. I knew what that was. I'd heard it before.

Hospice said since she was still drinking water, she likely would live through the night.....and she did. Just barely.

I'm glad I got to see her one last time. To tell her that it was okay. That i'd be okay. Eventually. Even if she couldn't hear me. I think she was waiting for me to come, since it was only about half a day later that she passed on.

Close friends of mine will know that while I might have complained a lot, had a lot of issues with my mother......I loved her dearly. I was super close with her even if it was a massive strain on me. I was her main caretaker for 15 years. I sacrificed my youth, my teenage years, my college years....so that I could make sure she was okay, was alive, was healthy. She was my world for so long.

And now my world is very broken.

A part of me is glad. Glad that she's not suffering anymore. Glad she went in her sleep. She's not in pain anymore. She doesn't have to sit and lay in that tiny little room with people she doesn't know. She doesn't have to worry about what pills she has to take, or how they're going to get her changed. She doesn't have to worry about anything anymore.

But the rest of me is devastated. I no longer get to see her. I no longer get to hear her voice, or talk with her about her favorite shows. No more sitting with her and watching the news. No more lunches, dinners with her. Nothing. It's a big empty hole that can't be filled easily.

I feel like a bird that's been given freedom....only to have one of it's wings broken, rendering it unable to fly.

It's hard. Harder than anything one could imagine. Loosing family is not something to be wished upon to anyone. I've cried so much today that I just feel empty....and I still have to figure out funeral arrangements and the like.

I'm not...going to have a lot of energy for tumblr for a bit. I might respond to a few things, to attempt to get my mind off things....but it'll be very sparce for a while. I know i've been sparce for a bit....as my adhd has caused me to focus on other things....but this is a completely different animal to that.

I'll be back. I will. And I'll be here off and on. Just....give me a bit of time to heal.

[lucyqueenofchaos]

Hi! I'm new here :)

My name is Lucy and I am a Twitch Streamer. I'm 22 years old, and I live in Aotearoa New Zealand. I have been streaming since September 2021, and achieved Affiliate status in October 2021. I stream Overwatch 2 three times a week - Quick Play with my community on Mondays and Wednesday, and Ranked/Competitive on Saturdays. I enjoy meeting people through the game, and making wonderful new friends throughout the Oceanic streaming community. I have a wide and varied community, with regular viewers tuning in from all around the world. I want to tell you a little about me, because I've never had the chance to really to properly introduce myself to the internet.

I'm a lover of all things fandom - in fact back in 2015 - 2018 I ran a very successful fandom blog right here on Tumblr. I am currently enjoying the newest season of Doctor Who, at the same time as finishing my complete Criminal Minds rewatch in preparation for the newest season. I spend a lot of time playing Overwatch 2, but I also enjoy playing Fortnite, Detroit: Become Human, Sea Of Thieves and more! In my spare time I'm also quite partial to playing some Pokemon: Go - it's a highly addictive game. Last year I got back into reading when I purchased a kindle for myself. If there's one thing I'll never regret, it's the purchase of my kindle! It comes everywhere with me, and I also enjoy writing reviews over on Goodreads. I am currently reading The Assassins Blade, as I am doing a full reread of the Maasverse. Throne Of Glass is my comfort series, but back in the day my comfort series was Maximum Ride (still is if I'm being honest). AJR are my favourite band, but I do enjoy listening to some Taylor Swift sometimes too. In 2022 I was lucky enough to see AJR live on their OK Orchestra tour - and I was even front row! That concert was my first ever, and I will cherish those memories forever.

I am privileged enough to have the amazing combo of Autism and ADHD, and this shapes the way I stream. I have built my community from the ground up with the intention of creating a safe space for other gamers who may share some of my struggles and experiences, and for those who haven’t as well. I enjoy fostering a sense of belonging and love for all within my community. I am legally blind, and this also colours the way I play. As a disabled gamer, I am an advocate for accessibility, whether that be by redesigning user interfaces, or going through all the accessibility options within a game with my community. I am a very transparent streamer, and never hide my struggles from my community. Quite recently I had to take quite a bit of time off streaming and playing Overwatch due to health issues that resulted in an invasive surgery 3 weeks ago. Less than a week later, I was back and better than ever - although my competitive playtime for this season is a bit lower than it should be due to missing the first few weeks of the season. But don’t worry, I’m not rusty at all! I’ve spent every spare minute since I returned teaching myself new skills and brushing up on my old ones!

I began streaming during the second full scale Covid-19 Lockdown in Aotearoa, as a way to stay in touch with some of my friends better. I began by streaming Fall Guys and Slime Rancher, but slowly branched out and tried every single video game I could get my hands on. I had spent my whole life being told that video games were for boys, and so when I realised the internet had become my playground, I tried every single game I could. I eventually realised I enjoyed playing Fortnite and when Overwatch 2 released, my community requested that I try it. My first week was one to remember - I had no idea what was going on, and had never played an FPS before. I was very overwhelmed, but my community cheered me on. The more I played Overwatch, the more I realised that I had finally found my place in the gaming world. It wasn’t long until I switched my branding away from being a variety streamer and made Overwatch 2 my sole focus. My community loved it, and I haven’t looked back since.

My favourite part of playing Overwatch 2 (and what constantly keeps me on my toes) is the counter play. Nothing thrills me more than to see my opponent play Widowmaker and give me a chance to play Sombra, or the chance to switch onto Zayra because the enemy tank has gone D.Va. Win or lose, I always have a good time - as a good friend once told me, a loss for me is a win for someone else. That being said, the thrill of winning and knowing that my team were better coordinated is always a rush! I love this game for its ever changing meta, which has forced me to expand my hero pool over the years. I went from only playing Soldier 76, to playing Sombra, Echo, Baptiste, Ana, Zayra, D.Va, Pharah and more. I also really enjoy the social aspect of Overwatch 2. Whilst the OW2 match chat is famously toxic, there are some truly fantastic people out there. I will admit, I do also enjoy coming up with great insults and jokes when someone is rude in the chat!

I'm starting this blog to give myself a place to write and share my thoughts in more depth. Nobody wants to hear me babble on about consumerism or some really niche book for hours on stream, Instagram is all about photos, and Twitter doesn't give me enough characters to bother. So here I am, back on the first social media platform I ever used. I've always wanted to have a proper blog, so I'm going to give it a go. If you have any tips or feedback, or topics you want to see me write about - let me know and I'll do my best to cover them!

If you've read this far, thank you. I'm just a girl, chasing her dreams across the internet - hoping to make some friends along the way. I can't wait to see where this takes me! My Twitch <3 My Instagram ^-^ My Twitter :3 My TikTok :D

[thepastisalreadywritten]

Today is the 117th birthday of the world’s oldest living person, Maria Branyas Morera.

Maria was born on 4 March 1907 in San Francisco, USA, but returned to Spain with her family when she was eight to settle in Catalonia.

She's lived in the region ever since and has resided in the same nursing home for the past 23 years.

She became the oldest person on Earth in January 2023, following the death of 118-year-old Lucile Randon (France).

"She is very grateful for all the congratulations received and the interest that so many people have shown in her state of health," said Eva Carrera Boix, the director of Maria's nursing home.

"She is happy to be able to celebrate this special day intimately with her family and colleagues and wishes everyone a happy Monday."

Beyond being hard of hearing and having mobility issues, Maria has no physical or mental health problems.

In fact, she's in such good condition that she has agreed to undergo scientific testing by researchers who hope to gain further insight into the secrets to long life.

Scientist Manel Esteller, who has conversed with Maria at length, told Spanish outlet ABC:

“She has a completely lucid head. She remembers with impressive clarity events from when she was only four years old, and she does not present any cardiovascular disease, common in elderly people.

It is clear that there is a genetic component because there are several members of her family who are over 90 years old.”

Samples of Maria’s saliva, blood and urine have been taken and will be compared with those of her 80-year-old daughter.

The researchers hope that assessing Maria’s genes will aid the development of drugs which could combat diseases associated with ageing.

Befitting her status as the world’s oldest person in the digital age, Maria is active on X (formerly known as Twitter) with assistance from her daughter.

Her bio states: “I'm old, very old, but not an idiot.”

In addition to “luck and good genetics,” Maria attributes her longevity to “order, tranquility, good connection with family and friends, contact with nature, emotional stability, no worries, no regrets, lots of positivity, and staying away from toxic people.”

Due to her poor hearing, Maria's family use a voice-to-text device to communicate with her.

She became permanently deaf in one ear when she was a child, after falling while playing with her brothers during the voyage from America to Spain in 1915.

This wasn’t the only misfortune the family suffered aboard the ship – Maria’s father sadly died due to pulmonary tuberculosis towards the end of the journey.

Maria lived through the Spanish Flu pandemic of 1918 as well as the Spanish Civil War (1936–1939), which she said she has “very bad memories” of.

She got married in 1931 to a Catalan doctor named Joan Moret, with whom she had three children.

Her husband passed away in 1976; she has also outlived her only son, August, who died in a tractor accident at the age of 86.

Over a century after the 1918 pandemic, Maria also survived COVID-19.

She contracted the virus a few weeks after turning 113 in 2020 but made a full recovery within days, becoming the world’s oldest COVID-19 survivor.

The title was taken later in the year by Lucile Randon, who was three years older than Maria.

Despite admitting that she’s “getting closer and closer to death” in a post on X last month, Maria maintains a positive outlook on life and believes that there is always something new to learn every day, even at her grand old age.

She is now the 12th oldest verified person in history and should she reach her 118th birthday, she’ll climb up to 5th place.

The oldest person ever authenticated was Frenchwoman Jeanne Calment, who lived to the age of 122 years 164 days.

Source: Guinness World Records

Celebrating the World's Oldest Person: Maria Branyas Morera's 117th Milestone

5 March 2024

From surviving global pandemics to outliving generations, Maria’s journey is a testament to longevity and resilience.

[conradrasputin]

HEALTH UPDATE:

@ Jo, Bunny, Lottie, Siggy

So, I've been out of the hospital for a few days, but healthwise I've had to do so much that I've had no free time.

Seems I have a condition where my blood platelets, the stuff you need for your blood to clot/prevent and stop bleeding, internal or external, are always lowering. If it was normal anemia, that'd be great, but it's more like my bone marrow is basically making them deplete drastically.

Normally people have about 150k-300k. I entered the hospital near 0, and when I had transfusions, I could get up to about 20k-30k, but my condition always keeps them lowering.

I have weekly blood draws set up, which are to be paired with transfusions, and other appointments to look for the solution to the problem. And overall I feel fine.

But I do have to be careful. I went to the hospital because not only were my platelets low, but my red blood cell count was critical too. That was what was making me incredibly weak since February, to the point where it was good I had bloodwork done to tell me to go to the hospital since I was basically dying.

To top it all off, my bloodwork this week now tells me I had nine blood platelts when I had it done, so who knows right now. No worries, bc I have a transfusion scheduled for Monday, I feel fine, I just have to not be rough on myself this weekend so I don't bleed.

As it is to really top it off, I had a rough cough I got checked out and guess what? Covid! Taking medicine, but it's a journey.

Overall, I'm home, but I'm def not even close to 100%, so I'm gonna have trouble when I'm on here to interact as I once did. I'd hoped to really catch up, but my head is taking it slower.

posting like this for now:

[angria]

Very few positives this week, but I guess there were some.

Went to Pub Theology last night and felt like shit afterwards because I obsessed about everything I said, worrying I insulted someone and I talked too much. But, woke up to a message from one of those who attended, complimenting me for what I said and that any woman would be lucky to have me as a partner (I had mentioned I struggle with comparing myself to others when it comes to dating and not having a partner, even though I came to the realization of being gay less than 10 years ago).

Someone from spc came in today specifically to give me a nice bouquet of flowers. And someone had already left flowers on my desk a couple days ago. So that was a really nice surprise. Particularly since K was so terrible this week.

T said we could check in briefly later...he still isn't feeling great, but at least I can connect with him. Have a feeling he will need to cancel on Monday though...stressed about that.

Seeing a couple friends this weekend that I haven't seen in a while. So hopefully that goes well.

Tested negative for Covid yesterday, so at least there's that. I think the throat irritation may be the mold in my sink because it improves once I'm at work....I know, it's really disgusting and embarrassing. I just struggle so much with anything having to do with the kitchen and dishes when I'm really depressed.

[the-mira-life-project-mtf]

Gender Reassignment Surgery Finally Scheduled!

It has been almost 17 months since the last time that I visited the OHSU clinic in Portland Oregon to see if I was a candidate for GRS.

There have been many times that my hope had fallen through. Days when I wondered if something outside of my control had ruined my plans to finally feel ‘complete’.

To compound the mental pain during the process, my experience with OHSU has been somewhat ‘complicated’. I am used to medical departments keeping their patients up to date...however, this is just a fantasy that I strongly urge others to avoid.

First off, let me say that my encounter with Dr. Dy, at OHSU was a pleasant experience. Unlike other physicians who only see the physical treatment and outcome, I was greatly appreciative that Dr. Dy also took into consideration my emotions and feelings regarding this sensitive topic that I would rarely speak in public.

It was because of my trust in her, her medical background, and willingness to understand ‘my own’ situation that I committed my care at OHSU. As for the urology department, my experience wasn’t all too great. Hopefully this will change in the following appointments.

One topic that I wish to cover in this blog post is:

Do not be afraid to reach out!

I have reached out three times to OHSU regarding my surgery status, and each time, I have received a different response.

I left OHSU in January 2022 knowing that the surgery would most possibly not occur that calendar year, thanks to COVID. Dr. Dy mentioned in clinic that due to the virus, their patients were backed up. She gave a timeline of ten months upwards to a year.

Yet, as time went on, I never heard a word regarding the status of my surgery. I would check the Portal monthly to see if any messages were sent, but as always, there was nothing to report.

By August of 2022, I finally reached out to the clinic and asked for an update. I was given the timeframe of January 2023 to May 2023 to hear a response for surgery scheduling (but not the offical surgery date).

Yet, by May 1st of 2023, I had yet to hear from them.

So, I sent another message after talking to my PCP and therapist regarding my communication with OHSU. I had expected a prompt reply within 3 days as the Portal promises, yet something ‘anxiety-producing’ had happened that I wish to discuss:

The Portal allows you to see if your messages have been opened, and by May 2nd, my message had been marked as ‘Seen’. Yet, day after day, I recieved no reply from the department of urology.

By May 3rd, I expected to finally have my reply so that I could make plans for the future: like lodging, psychology papers for surgery, saving money, arranging caregivers, and preparing my family to live without me at home

Yet once again, no reply came.

May 4th & 5th, I began to wonder if the clinic was trying to receive an answer to my question...so I gave them the benefit of the doubt.

May 6th & 7th was the weekend, so I did not expect any reply from OHSU. But I was almost certain that a decent person would at least say something by Monday, May 8th.

During the weekend, I wondered what was the reason as to why no one wrote a reply. I came up with many thoughts at night that made me worry and despair. Thoughts like: ‘Are they angry with me?’ | ‘Am I no longer a patient?’ | ‘Did I send the message to the wrong person?’ | ‘Is this something to do with my insurance?’ | ‘Maybe this is a sign that I should not be having surgery!’

By May 8th, my reply had never come.

I began to think that maybe this was a universal sign that I should not be having this surgery after all. And I began wondering if I should wait for an eternity, or look elsewhere for surgery and begin the whole process all over again.

That night, I thought of sending a reminder message to the department: ‘Maybe they forgot?’ Yet, if they cannot answer a simple question regarding scheduling and paperwork...then is it a really good idea to entrust my future care with their department? Especially if I have an urgent question in post-op!

‘Well, the last message did say ‘at the end of Spring’, and Spring officially is over on June 21st. Maybe I should just be patient?”

May 9th -- like before, I waited for a reply -- but no reply came.

Today, my mother brought up my ‘lack’ of swimming and I told her that the last time I went to swim at the YMCA, I had a terrible experience that has kept me away from the pool for almost one year.

Without GRS, my life has been in a painful standstill.

I cannot use any public restroom or locker room because of my strict morals. Everyone is different, but my morals prevent me from using a women’s restroom if I still have a penis. This is because I would never want to encounter a man in a women’s restroom...even if that individual is a transwoman who hasn’t undergone GRS.

I can no longer use a male’s restroom or locker room...because I now ‘appear’ too much as a female. Not to mention that this would create a terrible experience of abuse and even possible sexual harassment.

Even without GRS, I cannot face going to the ER for emergencies due to a bad experience in 2019 when I had to reveal that I was transgender. Even my time in the ocean had suffered because of fear of getting wet and things revealing too much...it is a painful existence!

With a long drive to Bainbridge Island, I had plenty of time to think of my next move. I sent a second message to OHSU...but instead of placing blame...I apologized and asked once more.

I honestly did not expect anything to come out of it.

Around 3:10PST I finally recieved a reply from OHSU. In communications with Mr. Skelton who asked if I would like to have surgery on July 12th 2023 with Dr. Dy being my attending physician.

I was thrilled!

I quickly checked my calandar to see that surgery will be a week after my vacation. Perfect timing!

So, with one step closer to finalizing my new life as a female...I can only dream of returning back to the pool to swim! Play in the ocean and clam dig! Not be afraid to use the restroom when I really need it. No fear in violating my morals bathing amongst other women in onsen and locker rooms.

I can finally focus on my health instead of jeopardizing it. Even possibly enter a relationship without having a panic attack.

For most of my life, I felt neither male or female...but both at the same time. I can only wonder how my future will change after this surgery...for the best and for the worse.

Only time will tell; though the path will be long.

[razorsadness]

Last week started out pretty well. I got a lot of work (paid day-job stuff) done; took my kids to the library for therapy dog reading time, took them to the park to birdwatch (we saw so many woodpeckers, both downy and red-bellied). I took a lot of walks and wrote a lot and read a lot.

C. and I had a sweet discussion about relationships. He asked me if he could have a girlfriend and I said that one day, when he’s older, and he meets a girl he’s into who’s into him, he can have a girlfriend. Then I said that he’s a long way off from dating, though, and that in the meantime he just needed to make friends with people, girls and boys. He said “okay,” paused, then said: “Does that mean I can have a girlfriend and a boyfriend someday?!” I said: “If you want to, then absolutely.” But internally I was screaming: “Oh my god, he’s gonna be bi and poly!!!!” Obviously I know that kids say and do all kinds of things that have no bearing on their identity or life, but it still made me smile. Later on that day, he said he wanted Spider-Man to be his boyfriend someday, which was also super cute. (And of course made me think of both the Bi-Der Man meme, and Andrew Garfield saying he’d wanted to play Spider-Man/Peter Parker as bi.)

There was one day when C. seemed like maybe he was coming down with something, and I got a little worried, but then he seemed fine, so I thought it was just a fluke.

Friday morning, I woke up feeling good. I thought P. and I would finally be able to fuck that night (we hadn’t had sex in a week and a half; first he had a backache, then I had some genital irritation which I did not want to make worse). But then C. was acting really weird, like saying he needed a nap after only being awake for two hours, and his eyes looked really glassy, and his forehead felt warm. I checked his temperature, and sure enough, it was slightly elevated. He only got worse from there.

Well, whatever he had has since made its way through the everyone in the house. It’s not CoViD. We’ve taken multiple CoViD tests over the course of the past four days, and all of them have been negative. I know antigen tests aren’t as reliable as PCR tests, but last April when we did have CoViD, the tests showed positive as soon as we were symptomatic. Plus, with CoViD I had insane body aches, fatigue, and brain fog, and have had none of that with this virus. (Well, not much. There’s always a little fatigue with any virus, but this is nothing compared to CoViD fatigue.) But we’re treating it basically the same way, anyway. Quarantining, resting as much as possible, megadosing on vitamins.

The first few days after we started coming down with it, P. and I felt pretty good, and we said: “Oh, maybe we got really mild cases!” I guess we jinxed it, because as of Monday evening, it got a lot worse for both of us. Still not the sickest I’ve ever been, but it’s no fun.

Worst parts of the past five days:

I had to pass on a really well-paying freelance gig, because the deadline was the end of this week, and I knew I’d be too sick to do it well, and taking care of sick kiddos on top of it so I wouldn’t have the time.

Obviously, P. and I have not gotten to have sex. It’s been over two weeks now! I know in the grand scheme of things that’s not a long time, but for us, it kinda is.

The being sick itself. All the phlegm and snot, oh my fucking god. It is endless.

My nose is chapped! My lips are chapped!

Not being able to keep my house clean/picked up. I’m not a clean or neat freak, but in recent months I’ve realized I do better if we keep up a baseline of organization and cleanliness, and we’ve been staying pretty on top of it. But this week, what with being sick, we’ve done dishes and laundry as needed, plus general wiping down of surfaces with disinfectant, and everything else has fallen by the wayside.

I am so fucking tired. Not like, fatigue-tired, but like, I haven’t been sleeping well despite my best intentions. Because either the kids keep me up half the night so I can tend to their ailments, or I just can’t sleep because I’m either blowing my nose or spitting out phlegm every two seconds. And last night was the full moon, and I can never sleep when it’s a full moon, sick or no.

I started feeling bad about my Career and my Life and Myself, thinking: “Ugh, I’m a failure at everything and I’m old and hideous and everything is terrible now and is gonna be terrible forever.” Fortunately, I nipped it in the bud quickly, remembering that I always get depressed about myself/my life when I’m sick, and that it is not the right time to be taking stock of anything.

Best parts of the past five days:

On Sunday, when I still thought this might be a mild cold, I was able to attend the Four Queens online writing workshop. I wrote some stuff, and got lots of great ideas for current and future projects. And I just really liked what Mathias had to say about attention and astonishment.

I’ve been taking Mathias’ words to heart. Even as I’ve been sick, I’ve been taking time every day to step outside or at least look outside, or even look at something inside, and pay deep attention and feel astonished, and that’s led to even more lists and ideas and scraps; more mulch for future writings.

I’ve been spending as much of my time as possible reading books or watching videos and films. And basically everything I’ve been watching and reading has been by and/or about queer and trans folks. Books I’ve read: A Minor Chorus by Billy-Ray Belcourt, Feral City by Jeremiah Moss, and IRL by Tommy Pico. Things I’ve watched: The film of Abigail Thorn’s play The Prince, Chris McKim’s documentary Wojnarowicz: Fuck You Faggot Fucker, and Caelan Conrad and Jessie Gender’s newest video essays on YouTube. I highly recommend all of it.

I’ve been drinking a lot of tea. I’ve been mostly foregoing cold medicine and having a hot toddy every evening instead. When I have tried the cold meds they just haven’t helped very much, or not enough anyway, and I find that a good hot toddy helps just as much. Plus, hot toddies taste better and are more enjoyable than cold meds. And there’s no way I’m gonna take cold meds and drink at the same time. Twenty years ago, back when I used to take severe liver damage may occur as less of a warning, more of a challenge? Sure, I mixed meds and booze. But back then I simultaneously still hoped to/thought I would die young, and also kinda thought I was fuckin’ invincible. Now I’m (comparatively) old and would like to live a lot longer, thank you, so I’m not going to risk it.

Today I made myself ramen for lunch—just instant ramen, but I tried this technique I learned that makes it taste better, and also added chopped scallions, a splash of soy sauce and a splash of chili oil, and I topped it with a fried egg. Then I took a long, hot aromatherapy bubble bath. Then I drank tonight’s hot toddy, and cooked dinner while listening to my favorite radio station. Every year on International Women’s Day they play only women/women-fronted bands and artists all day. The DJ tonight did a whole block (two songs each) of Alanis Morissette followed by Garbage followed by Ani DiFranco, and it was like, holy flashback to middle school thru early college, Batman! (I mean that in the best possible sense.) Then we changed the sheets on all the beds, and now I’m lying in bed, finishing this entry, and feeling better than I’ve felt since Monday. I’m cautiously optimistic that I’m actually on the mend.

Other things: 

Saturn has moved into Pisces, and it’s intense.

I have a wee little crush on someone. They are currently On The Road, and I’ve been looking up photos of places they’re currently in. I realized that this is actually fairly common for me. Be it friend, family, crush, lover, acquaintance even…if I am thinking of someone who lives away from me, and/or is traveling, I look up photographs of where they currently are. It’s sort of a way to see what they’re seeing, maybe in that way sort of feel what they’re feeling. And it’s sort of the opposite of a postcard. A postcard is sending someone a piece of where you are, saying wish you were here. This thing I do is finding a piece of where someone I care for is, thinking wish I was there.

I was thinking about K. the other day. Sent her a message to say I think of her often, and I hope she’s well. She has not responded, and I’m not surprised nor do I blame her. For three years, she tried so so hard to be close with me, and I really didn’t let her in. I wanted to, but I was also afraid, and there were several other factors. And she eventually gave up. And, as I said, I don’t blame her. I send her messages a few times a year, to let her know I still think of her. I wish she’d respond, but at this point in my life I’d rather have people know I care even if they don’t reciprocate.

We’re hunkering down for a winter storm that’s due within the next couple days. I want it to be spring, but despite the returning birds and the daffodil shoots, it’s still officially winter for the next two weeks.

[redhillconfetti]

Blog post 03-02-2023 - Sickness

When you decide to run a small business, the freedom it gives you to run your own schedule is always a huge draw when compared to being an employee of someone else’s business, however whilst things look great all the perks of self employment and flexible schedules can mean for a while you are looking through rose tinted glasses, but with all planning for fun and good things, you also need to plan for the bad and boring.

When I first quit my corporate job to go self employed full time, I had to look at my outgoing expenses each month, with the first being my pension. I had to reduce my monthly payment, but over time I've increased this gradually. This is something I was able to plan for and incorporate into each year’s projections. I also decided to pull off 20% of each week's earnings and just store them in an instant access savings account. It barely makes any interest, but my initial idea for this was to be a pot of instant money should I have any large expenses.

What this actually meant is I had a backup for when I was too sick to work. 

If the last three years has taught us anything, it's that a bad virus or illness can appear out of nowhere and throw everything on its head with regards to running a business. You can’t predict when you will be ill, and it can always come at the most inconvenient time. Unfortunately that’s what happened to me this week.

We’re now at the first few days of February, but since the start of January I had been feeling run down and had a slight tickle of a cough. As January is always a quiet month I have been able to reduce my working hours in order to get some rest and hopefully let my body restore itself. However, after a very busy two days last weekend, this Monday that cough rapidly deteriorated. I had a dry cough that would empty my lungs at any given point, every single bone and joint in my body ached beyond belief, migraine, nausea, elevated temperature, photosensitivity to light and also noise. I had definitely developed something far more severe than just a simple tickly cough. After testing for Covid and that thankfully coming up negative, a call to the NHS 111 service determined it was likely to be the RSV virus, something that has been prevalent in our area for the last few weeks.

I had little choice but to take the week ‘off’. I’m thankful my husband was able to arrange to work from home and thus take our son to and from school, and for the better part of the week I've been able to do little more than sip water whilst wrapped in a blanket and binge watch Criminal Minds on Disney+. What hasn’t helped my recovery is the lack of medicated cold & flu medications that pharmacies locally haven’t been able to source, but that lack of supply is more down to Brexit. But this isn’t a Brexit blog post so we’ll touch on that in the future.

With having a week off, I had to decide whether or not to shut the shops or not. In the end I decided to keep them on, and just allow the natural flow of orders to come in. I completely ignored social media this week, the admin has piled up, no new listing or manufacturing. Instead I packed what orders did come in then left them for 24 hours after sanitising them. If 2020 taught us anything, it's how to protect others and stop the spread of any viruses. After 24 hours and full sanitisation, my husband took the parcels to their drop off points meaning i didn’t have to leave the house.

Through all this I was thankful that I had that small reserve in savings. I could take my time this week to just get better without having the added pressure and worry that I still had to bring in a full week’s wage. My pension payment was able to be covered and this week’s bills have been paid.

Here in the UK if you are employed by a company, most of the time they will offer a certain amount of sick days where you get paid full pay, or a high percentage of full pay (in the past it’s usually been 12 days at companies i’ve worked for). After that the company can draw from the government what’s called SSP - statutory sick pay - which is just under £100 per week, payable for up to 28 weeks. It is only applicable if you are employed by a company. You cannot claim this if you are self employed.

I’m sorry if this week’s blog post is a little disjointed, i’m still in a bit of a fog of flu meds and lack of sleep, but hopefully next weeks post will be something a little more upbeat and fluffy!

Simone

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