#and i have other projects I can work on while I wait to refil my stash

[gregorygerwitz]

in the spirit of transparency, the next ~$15 I get is gonna go to refilling my yarn stash of colors I've run out of so I can finish Kit's blanket for her birthday in three weeks

[vivisviolets]

˖◛⁺⑅♡⑅~you received a lost package~⑅♡⑅⁺◛˖

🎁⁀➴ ✉ Energy check-in

📦⁀➴ ✉ Affirmations

📮⁀➴ ✉ Quotes

*cw* post longer than my temu package's tracking history 💀

˖◛⁺⑅♡⑅ -pick the package image you feel most drawn to- whatever caught your eye first upon seeing this post is most likely *your* pile!!!! but oh ofc you can also ease yourself, close your eyes, focus on your current state of mind/your life, and then ask yourself/spirit/God what pile has what you most need to hear rn! and pls pick more than one pile if you feel interested to do so!!! you may get messages you needed to hear across all piles yakno:))- okkkk byeeee-˖◛⁺⑅♡⑅

✉ pile 1

✉ ✉ ✉

✉ Page of Pentacles, King of Wands, Nine of Pentacles ✉

✉ Earth placements, Virgo/Capricorn/Taurus, fire placements, Aries/Sagittarius/Leo, divine masculine, divine femininity, heavy heart, earthy, warm/hot, -songs Only Angel - Harry Styles, Hate Me Harder - Kesha

✉ Woo- Look at youuu-!!! Look at you go more like- like, holy ish you should have seen me tapping into your energy and pulling out the cards one after the other with such genuine eassseee the heck... -but anyways pile 1s- you are REALLY setting your heart ablaze, it's like you're purifying your heart space after a period of purging energetically... In fact for quite a while, it was a consistent purging of- a lot for you. a total rebirth through a dark forest- you are literally an adventurer traversing through a fantasy land, following the pounding of your royal blood through your heart- knowing it will lead you to your glory- I'D SO READ THAT BAHAH- anyway though, you're really filling your heart with this fire. things and opportunities that fill you with joy and make you feel so warm inside 🎇🔥. I'm hearing a lot of self focus so projects around your passions or moving yourself up towards your goals! mmhm, I'm hearing a lot of different things for the collective- I'm seeing starting up a business, independent artists of various kinds, makeup or personal care focused products, you could be selling prints, monetized pages/videos, building a website- I'm seeing Jan Levinson with her candle side business😭😭... obviously you guys definitely don't house the shadow aspects of her character in your energy (tf am I saying 💀)- what I mean to say is after a lot of melting yourself down, you are now completely reforming into something that is completely personal and your own... like scented candle making 😭👍!!!!!!!!! okkkk I'm so freaking proud of you~ and if you've felt any heaviness just from you refilling your heart with so many opportunities- please don't let that cause you ANY doubts about your endeavors because OH👏- MYGOD👏 it's all going to go so well for you. no matter any circumstances or external worries. keep goingggggggg.

🔥🌱🌳

✉ Nothing can stop me from reaching my goals

✉ Regardless, my goals always become bigger and better

✉ I always reach my goals

✉ Regardless of anything external I am fully capable of achieving all of my goals

✉ Regardless of my mindset, I am fully capable of achieving ALL of my goals

✉ My goals become better and better

✉ I find fulfillment in my goals

✉ My goals always bring me so much joy

✉ My goals always bring me so much abundance

✉ I love building up my goals to infinity and beyond

✉ I am so good at doing what brings me joy and energy

✉ My goals orbit me

✉ My dream life is already waiting for me

✉ My dream life wants me

✉ Earning my dream life is as easy as breathing

✉ I am made of my dreams and desires

✉ My dreams and desires always become mine

✉ My dreams and desires are already mine

✉ Joy and abundance fuel my dreams and desires

✉ Joy and abundance fuel my goals

✉ Every single step I take brings me closer to my goals

✉ Achieving my goals is easier then ever before

✉ My goals have been deemed to be mine

✉Achieving my goals is so easy for me because they are already mine

✉ My goals love me

✉ My goals work for me

✉ My goals work towards me

✉ I am so happy for all I have accomplished

✉ My goals reward me daily

✉ I am rewarded daily because my goals are extensions of me

✉ I am so abundant

I have always been so abundant

Everything is an extension of me, and everything rewards me

✉ Everything is an extension of me, and everything flows me to where I desire to be

✉ My work is my creativity

✉ Creativity flows through me

✉ Creativity has always been my birthright

✉ I am made of creativity

✉ I am creativity

✉ I care for myself easily

✉ My goals allow me to relax

✉ My goals love when I care for myself

✉ The more I relax the more my goals flow to me

✉ I fully trust my goals

✉ I am fully deserving of my goals

✉ I fully deserve my goals

✉ I fully deserve and allow my goals to orbit towards me

✉ I align myself fully with my goals

✉ I am aligned to my goals

✉ I align myself fully with my desires

✉ I am aligned to my desires

✉ I align myself fully with my dream life

✉ I am fully aligned to my dream life

✉ My goals are mine.

✉ ✉ ✉

✉ pile 2

✉ ✉ ✉

✉ Eight of Wands (reversed), Seven of Pentacles (reversed), The Lovers

✉ Air placements, Gemini/Libra/Aquarius, earth placements, Taurus/Virgo/Capricorn, numbers 8, 7, 6, 1111, stops and starts, "air headed"/emotional/flightly described personality, healing unresolved wounds/fears, -song Love Is An Open Door - Frozen (2013)

✉ Oh my pile 2s :'), I'm pretty quick to ask how are you? seeing the certain reversals I got- one of them (Eight of Swords reversed) is definitely way more positive and a really good step in the right direction for you, it feels like a breath of fresh air!!- but it has a heaviness to it, it's a step in recovery from some baggage... and then the next one to come out felt like a real wammy- (Seven of Pentacles in reverse)... I got interrupted after a moment of being engrossed in your energy pile 2s, I feel you had a period where you felt this sense of freedom after a long while of realizing a lot of mental limitations you had that did not serve you- and so you jumped into trying and doing the opposite of those imitations!... but something might have happened that caused all that newfound sense of freedom to deflate in you- and you feel like you've gone right back to square one of how you used to feel- is that right? I find myself asking questions instead of being sure in what I am telling you, maybe that's the state that you're in currently of having all these why this? and why is that? with no feeling of hope in finding any answers, that right? <-- SEE?? there I go putting the questions back onto you instead of giving you answers:')- I'm so sorry. I'm hearing it might not have even been a big thing to have offset you as much as it did, just some sort of small trigger- it might have even just been your own pent up discouragement rearing its head at not seeing enough movement o headway in a certain aspect of your life, even with all the personal changes you were trying to create... I'm using the word trying a lot- omg this is so saddening😭... Ok, I'm going to pull myself out of this dark and dreary pity party (I don't say it in any mean way love ❤️) and take you up with me- because this place sucks and because I have got to offer you some help and some love- it's what you freaking deserve!!

-You have to address your feelings. you have to feel these emotions that are connected to all the limiting thoughts you have. you might be the type to be very flighty when it comes to your emotions- and there is a bright side to that trait that is beautiful and free and I don't think you should get ride of that!! but you're relying and using the shadow aspect of that trait by continuing to fly away to the externals first as to fix the limiting beliefs when really, the way to fix the external- is through the internal. do it for yourself, do it out of love for yourself. give yourself the space, time, patience and love that you deserve. heal your discouragement by allowing it to just be a feeling, and allow it to past like all feelings do. once you start healing and spending time and love on yourself- literally EVERYTHING in your life is going to blossom- love and freedom will be blossoming!!!! and you will be soaring stronger then ever before. oh my gosh-goodness I've gone on, but again- you deserve patience, love, and a space for healing- and I hope I was able to be that my pile 2s~ 🕊

(*reading your energy I know you may be cynical to these affirmations- again please address your limiting thoughts babe because they ain't getting you no where no how, and allow yourself just a little bit of trust. you don't have to even believe the affirmations, just read them/speak them. allow them <3.~*)

🕊🌅☁️

✉ I allow myself to heal

✉ I am patient with myself

✉ I allow my internal healing to play out

✉ I have full trust in my healing journey

✉ The more I allow myself to heal the more free I become

✉ The more I allow myself to heal the more I receive what I desire

✉ The more I allow myself to heal the more I accomplish

✉ The more I allow myself to heal the better and better life gets for me

✉ I align myself to love

✉ I align myself to joy

✉ I align myself to abundance

✉ I align myself to peace

✉ I align myself to my self love

✉ I align myself to my inner joy

✉ I align myself to my inner abundance

✉ I align myself to my self peace

✉ I am in alignment with myself

✉ I am capable of receiving all that I dream of and desire

✉ I am capable of giving and receiving love

✉ I am capable of self love and self care

✉ I am always capable because I am enough

✉ I am deserving of healing

✉ I am deserving of what I will accomplish

✉ I am deserving of love, healing, freedom, and to know myself better

✉ I deserve to be healed

✉ I deserve to be limitless

✉ I deserve to love myself

✉ I deserve love

✉ When I change, my reality follows

✉ I make the choice to heal myself

✉ I make the choice to love myself unconditionally

✉ I make the choice to allow self growth

✉ Regardless of anything external, I allow myself full self love

✉ Regardless of anything external, I allow myself to fully heal

✉ I release what no longer serves me

✉ I release what does not serve me and reclaim my energy

✉ I call all of my energy back to me

✉ My path ahead is full of healing, love, beauty, abundance, joy and freedom

✉ I trust my path

✉ I will be successful

✉ I trust that my path is full of abundant success that expands

✉ I am already successful

✉ Success is already mine

✉ I trust that success will flow into my life

✉ My success will build and expand

✉ I know that my success will be full of all my desires

✉ I am deserving of my success

✉ I desire to be successful

✉ I allow my success to flow into my life

✉ I trust my success

✉ I trust that success always finds me and I always find success

✉ Everything I desire will find me

✉ Everything I desire will flow into my life

✉ ✉ ✉

(*idk why but extra quotes for you~ ur favored fr~*)

✉ pile 3

✉ ✉ ✉

✉ Three of Swords (reversed), Ace of Wands (reversed), Nine of Swords (reversed)

✉ Air placements, Libra/Aquarius/Gemini, water placements, Cancer/Pisces/Scorpio, numbers 2, 222, 2222, 1212, 2424, 444, old connections, not needed, present-day path, planting seeds, blunt/honest/levelheaded/practical/mature/grown described personality, "he said- she said-", divided energies, feminine intensity, masculine intensity, commonly used emojis 💗, 🔥, 💀, -song Bloodline - Ariana Grande, Stray Kids (?), Enough - Jess Glynne

✉ For the first time in maybe over 3 years, my brain began to play Bloodline by Ariana Grande as soon as I tapped into your energy- I'm getting you may definitely have prominent air or water placements, more so Cancer, and Libra- other air and water placements too and oh gosh I'm realizing that those are Ariana's signs in her big 3- I do not think I'm connecting wrongly though,- I'm seeing that there are some of you that are either listeners/relate to Ariana, and the other camp is completely indifferent/are not in that fan base at all in which case I'm probably turning you off of this reading 😭😭- yea I'm totally seeing 2 separate camps in this pile rn, this divide of either very fem/fem baddies (that whole Thank U, Next album was very much in that whole aesthetic)- or very masc aesthetic/personality (not gender specific btw- this is fully afab/amab safe)... I randomly typed a fire emoji and heard the word "lit" immediately- so for my masc group you guys are described like that and or aim for that aesthetic- but my fems here are seen as that too 🔥 I'm hearing, like that description isn't gender-expression exclusive 💗🔥. again now there's more music coming through- for my mascs it's K-pop, K-indie, K-rock, K-Metel.. This is so weird to hear because i know nothing about that scene (someone here likes jazz tf- okkkk😭)... two very different and... stubborn- towards each other?- energies rn.

Ok, I'm going to actually get into what's going on as best I can for the collective- I'll be honest, this energy is all over the place, and I'm having a hard time reading or relating specifically to just one group of people rn like- 💀💀💀... I'm hearing the phrase "he said- she said-" so honestly I could be describing two people who are in/were in a relationship of some kind, a feminine and a masculine- (again, afab/amab safe!! and take what resonates) so you could be the feminine reading this and this is about a masculine who's heavy on your heart, or you could be the masculine in this and this is concerning your feminine whom you're really messed up over. and for both of these situations, it's really mutual that you two cut each other deep in the heart space 💀- like fr there is history that has occurred between you two and something happened that really made the mark that you guys left on each other's hearts- open up and start bleeding... and I'm literally just standing here watching the intensity of you two gazing at each other-... I'm seeing this scene of the feminine wanting to close her door but just continuing to stare at the masculine who could have stormed off but instead is still standing on the welcome mat, staring back into the eyes of the feminine- AND I'M STANDING IN THE HALLWAY OF THIS APARTMENT COMPLEX LIKE... I'm just trying to pass through to go feed my cats 💀...

I fr don't know what to say,- and that is so not like me at all. I'm just so heavily in this energy and there are literally two energies coming in and are weirdly connected to each other- AND they are both stubborn as hell. YOU TWO ARE BOTH stubborn as hell 😭. in fact, you two are so similar that when you have a problem with each other- no one can get a foot in the door to help. because you two are literally so on the same level mentally, that you can literally continue your intense stare-down with your friends trying to get in the middle to put the situation on ice- but you both continue to set each other's souls ablaze... you two need a retreat away from each other BAHAH 💀. God, again I do not know what to say because not only are you stubborn and intimidating asf, you are also very mature (referring to a singular person again whew), and you have the (emotional) receipts to back up how intense you can be- (I cannot figure out where to put this but it keeps weighing heavy that some of you are even parents/have young kids you have to be thinking about constantly)- you know bullshit like the back of your hand and I know you'll def be eying my words rn like a hawk... wasn't I suppose to give you affirmations 😭????? *nervous laughter fr* jokes aside- I'm going to stand my ground to you,- I can feel it and see it in the eyes I'm being shown- you've been through a lot. you have a past that is heavy and it's weighed on you since you were just a little girl/little boy/little child. you had to mature fast in the way you did out of your own survival. and that has done what it has done- but what about now? yes, you can do and act however you want to. you've earned your living! as you believed you needed to, had to, and would do- but for someone so confrontational about other's behavior- why can you not do the same for your own? you're usually right with the conclusions you come to about situations and other people with all the shit you've seen- so why not face yourself with that same focus? just as you question other people's behavior, already knowing the truth about them- you can do that very thing to yourself.

question yourself- why does this person trigger you the way that they do? when this person triggers you, what are you reminded of? are you reminded of another person or situation? are you reminded of your family growing up? are you reminded of your father? or mother? or relatives?- does this person who triggers you- remind you of yourself?... do the heavy walls you built when they were required to survive, serve you now? because I think it's what's inside the walls that needs stabilizing.

WOOO I just gave tougher love then I have ever done before- but I freaking had to get through to you love!! I really hope I did, whatever vulnerable emotion you are feeling right now if you've read this far of what I've channeled for you- please know that you have people you can go to with these emotions. this isn't like when you were growing up, you are safe. you are safe to be fully you, every piece of you that you had to lock away or armor up is safe now- thanks to the life you are building for yourself. I'm hearing a saying about how when you cut a tomato, you get a bunch of seeds- and you can plant those seeds, and with your work and patience, you get more tomatoes!! and that's what you've done- taken the small seeds and grew things up for yourself. so please enjoy all your hard work, PLEASE- show all those parts of you love. plant those seeds that you had to lock away and allow them to blossom and finally see the sunlight you created. again, I really am seeing that you do have safe options to turn to for support, definitely personal support- friends I'm mostly seeing- people outside of your old family/upbringing...

if you're in an intense relationship of some kind (said person could even be someone you've known since childhood/earlier years) like what I was channeling earlier, then I'm seeing that could be a perfect opportunity to turn to people for support- and oh my gosh honey you're going to be so loved. you already are, people love you and want you to open up more to them- I'm just seeing you opening up more as being both healing and strengthening for you, but also for your relationships 💗. this is so sweet, you have some sweet people around you that you fully deserve (for those with kids I see you taking so much more healthy joy in being a parent and you connecting with your little ones so beautifully- I'm seeing dancing in the kitchen especially 😭💗). but just to be inclusive to everyone here, you of course don't have to open up to others- I see seeking some professional guidance of some kind would also be incredibly beneficial (also spiritual guidance if you have an interest in that), and also you of course always have yourself. so go inward and see how you can show up for yourself better!!!

alright whew I know that reading might not have been for everyone but it was strong so I know that this reading is for someone💗🔥 so it was a pleasure. anddd my apologizes for the full read yikezies 💀-

💗🔥💀

✉ I am safe

✉ I create a safe space for myself

✉ I have created a safe space for myself

✉ I am in a safe place

✉ I am safe to express and feel my emotions

✉ My emotions are mine and I am free and safe to express them

✉ My environment is safe and fully mine

✉ I choose to feel safe

✉ I allow myself to be vulnerable

✉ I allow myself to feel what as hurt me

✉ I allow myself to be bitter

✉ I allow myself to cry

✉ I allow myself to be angry

✉ I allow myself to grieve

✉ I allow parts of me that do not serve my highest good to pass

✉ I allow what does not serve me any longer to leave my body and exit out of my life

✉ I allow the most vulnerable parts of me to be healed

✉ I allow the most vulnerable parts of me to exist

✉ I respect my vulnerability to be as it is

✉ I love my vulnerability

✉ I allow myself to be patient towards my life

✉ I am patient with myself

✉ I allow myself to release control in my life and surrender to my healing journey

✉ I have released control and am now in a state of healing

✉ I allow myself to prioritize my needs fully

✉ I am my first priority

✉ I allow myself to feel taken care of

✉ I am taken care of

✉ I allow myself self love and self growth

✉ I am focused on giving myself the love I deserve

✉ I allow myself to be emotionally open

✉ I am emotionally open towards myself

✉ I show up for myself

✉ I allow myself to connect to my heart and give love to those I trust

✉ I am open to people I trust

✉ I am shown who I can trust and I allow my heart to open

✉ I am protected and surrounded by people who I trust

✉ I am protected and surrounded by love and those who I can love safely

✉ I am protected and surrounded by abundance and success regardless of any externals

✉ I deserve to be trusted and I am worthy to share my trust

✉ I deserve to be loved and I am worthy to share my love

✉ I deserve abundance and I am worthy to share my abundance

✉ I deserve success and I am worthy to share my success

✉ Trust is my birthright

✉ Love is my birthright

✉ Abundance is my birthright

✉ Success is my birthright

✉ Stability and loyalty is my birthright

✉ Regardless of others actions- I am deserving of trust, love, abundance, success, stability, and loyalty

✉ I accept the truth that it is my birthright, and that I am inherently deserving of trust, love, abundance, success, stability, and loyalty

✉ I allow myself to live my life knowing those truths

✉ I allow myself to breathe through my whole body and begin to shed all that no longer serves me

✉ I trust myself and I trust my journey

✉ I allow myself to be healed

✉ I am capable of being healed

✉ I am healing

✉ I am healed

✉ I allow myself to view my life as my own

✉ My life is my own, and I live by my love, joy, and peace

✉ I allow myself to see life as enjoyable

✉ I am capable of viewing life as enjoyable and all that can bring me joy

✉ I enjoy viewing my life as fun and full of joy and peace

✉ I allow myself to have fun with myself and those I love

✉ I am capable of having fun with myself and those I love

✉ I love having fun in my life and sharing that with those I love

✉ I fall in love with myself, and find someone to share it with

✉ ✉ ✉

✉

✉

✉

✉ oh praise be we're done~ byeeeee till next time

✉ ✉ ✉ love, vi~♡

[hmshermitcraft]

Etho has been out of spoons for months now. He has no energy to do anything at all outside of working (because he has to) or eating (because he has to) or showering (because he has to) or using the bathroom (because he has to). He wants to hang out with his friends, he yearns for their conversation and bickering and their energetic bits but he can't. He just rests and rests and rests, waiting for the day he has inspiration and strength again.

He's so sick of being weak, of being tired. There's no joy in his endless napping, he just can't do anything else.

Cleo leaves food in his fridge and takes his trash out and refills his water bottle so he can take his meds at night.

Bdubs comes in every other day to brush his hair and brings him a bucket so he can brush his teeth.

The worst thing is that he gets up every morning, he works on his projects, he talks to people, he's normal, he's healthy. But then the moment he can relax he collapses and can't get up again. He uses all his energy and he can't go on. Which doesn't make any sense because why can't he have energy for the things he wants?

He's just...so tired.

Xisuma catches him while he's out and about, doing things. Says, "hey, you've been working too hard and it's making you use all your free time to catch up on rest." He takes Etho to a town an hour away from work, from everything. "This is my parents summer home, they won't be back for like, nine months. So it's yours for now, utilities n' stuff are paid so don't worry about that."

Then he offers to leave. Says that he'll stay close-ish to bring Etho food and all, but he offers to give Etho as much alone time as he could ever want.

"I know you like your own company better than anyone else's and I prefer to recoup by myself too so it's no worries."

"no uh, actually. If you would stay..that'd be preferable I think."

For the first days Etho sleeps and sleeps and sleeps, he wakes up, eats and uses the bathroom and then he sleeps again.

Then he migrates to the couch to listen to Xisuma knit or play guitar, then he's breaking out his noise cancelling headphones so he can watch X play doom until the early morning sunrise. Then he's asking to help with dinner, something that resets his progress a little bit he's quicker to bounce back.

Xisuma takes him for a little walk one week. Then two little walks, then they stop in at a coffee shop, then Etho sits in the shopping cart reading out the list. Their friends start to visit, Bdubs and Beef and Doc come for a night of super smash bros and Mario kart, Cleo comes over and plays some Zelda breath of the wild, zedaph tango skizz and impulse bring a board game he's never heard of before. Etho even gets to gossip in Japanese with Grian and Joel about everyone he's seen living here, like the dog walker who always has far too many dogs.

Then Xisuma miscalculates how long it will take a comforter to dry and asks to share Etho's space for a night. Which they do. Etho wakes with X's legs under his own because apparently Xisuma likes to rotate 90 degrees in his sleep.

Xisuma will never live it down, even as they continue to sleep side by side.

By the time Etho is yearning for something to do they've started cuddling, and by the time Xisuma deems him healthy enough to go back to work they're kissing a little.

Work is easier when he returns, he works four days a week instead of six. He has a boyfriend who leaves space for him to join in making dinner or going on little walks or whatever but never pressures him. He has extra energy to do things he enjoys.

He's not perfect, he still naps every day, still gets overwhelmed. But it's better.

He's doing better.

-carrie

He thought he'd find it frustrating to be cared for, like it's something he doesn't deserve. But, instead, it's a weight off his shoulders. It's not just him anymore. Xisuma is looking out for him as well, gently pulling Etho away when he's burning out again. His friends are there as well.

Etho isn't perfect. But he's got people there to stop him reaching so low again.

[roebeanstalk]

general commission info/process update

Howdy y’all!

tl;dr:

-Commission prices are increasing to account for cost of living, increased quality, and more. -Those with colored sketches currently outstanding are being upgraded to my new "Standard Commission" as a thank you for your patience. -A new Patreon tier has a 5% commission discount as a perk. -I've adopted a new workload management system where I focus on 5 pieces at a time, and reload the workbench on Mondays. My Trello has been updated with general info on this.

The whole update:

I am raising my commission prices. This has been an incredibly difficult decision to make, but it is ultimately for the best for myself, my clients, and more.

Since I’ve started doing commissions regularly, the amount of time I want to spend on any particular piece has grown, but I haven’t had the time due to a large workload. With this price increase, I’m able to spend more time on each commission and create work at a quality that I am happy with. I’ve found myself working back and forth with clients more, creating more technically sound drawings, and being happier overall with my work. That being said, the prices I have been charging are not enough and often work out to less than minimum wage.

I have added a new tier on Patreon that gives a 5% discount on all commissions from me, in addition to all the perks on my $5 tier.

Pay What You Want commissions are something I have loved doing, and I want to be able to continue to do them moving forward. I love being able to offer a more affordable, sliding scale commission. This allows access to folks who might not otherwise be able to commission artwork from me. The price increase on my commissions will also make this more sustainable.

In addition to the price change, I have recently adjusted the way that I handle my queue. I have a “Workbench” which contains five things that I am working on currently. This allows me to focus on a smaller amount of projects despite how many pieces are in my queue. I can specialize and give each piece the attention it needs. Each Monday, I refill the workbench to 5 pieces by pulling them from the queue.

I’ve been doing this system for the last few weeks, and it has been a revelation. I am much calmer while working, and I am able to work back and forth with clients in a more personal way that feels really fulfilling. I’m also less likely to be super worried about everything I have on my plate, by focusing on a smaller portion. My work quality has increased from this alone.

My new Standard Commission is an upgraded version of the colored sketch commissions I was offering before. Those who are on my queue for colored sketches have been waiting for a bit, and I am so grateful for their patience. It will still be a little bit, but I am excited to deliver them good quality commissions. As a thank you for their patience and to slightly make up for the time, I’m upgrading all colored sketches on my queue to the new Standard Commission. This means a bit more back and forth, making it a piece we’ll both be happier with.

With all of these changes, I am hopeful that so many other things about my work, my life, and more will improve. Thank you so much to everyone who has supported me through commissions, donations, kind words, follows, reblogs, everything. It means the absolute world to me, and I am so excited to keep pushing forward.

<3 Robin

[achie-blog]

Weekly Business Interview 👩‍💼👨‍💼

This blog will provide insights and information about various companies and businesses. On August 30, 2024, my groupmates—Jessa, Ian, and Francen—and I had the opportunity to interview five different businesses. These businesses are N JESS GENERAL MERCHANDISE, HAPPY SIP, AJ WATER REFILLING STATION, JASMINE GARDEN, and AQUARIST FISH SHOP. During these interviews, we gathered valuable information about their operations and the stories behind how each business was established.

N JESS GENERAL MERCHANDISE

The business is owned by Ms. Carmela Barton along with his father. It was established in 2015 and it is located at Zone 12, Upper Carmen, Door 3 LACAR Bldg.  Initially, they focused on selling wholesale Beer, Coke, and nails (lansang). However, the wholesale side of the business struggled due to an employee's failure to perform adequately, and the profit margins were low. On the other hand, nails became a fast-selling item, prompting them to expand their product offerings. Using the profits from nail sales, they reinvested in additional construction materials to attract more customers by providing a wider variety of choices. The business has 17 staff and mostly our labor since the nature of the hardware store requires handling heavy materials. Ms. Carmela said that their business is partnered with contractors, so the materials used in the project come from them. 

Ms.Barton shared that when starting the business, she first found a good location and a supplier. But despite the fact that business is in a good place and sales, it cannot be avoided that there are times they will experience slow sales but still she can manage to pay their financial obligations. And the reason why they decided to venture in business is to allow her father to retire from working abroad as an OFW, ensuring the business as her father`s retirement. 

HAPPY SIP

Happy Sip is a store that is owned by Ms. Rema Hassan along with his sister Merlyn Hassan. It was a franchised store established on March 5, 2024 and the main store was in Manila. It is located in Zone 12, Upper Carmen, near the multicab terminal. The business is focused only on selling milktea but they just added other options like coffee and snacks, including siomai and fires. They have only 2 staff, Ms.Rema and her mother, and they don't have any business partners. Before the Happy Sip was established the family had an ukay-ukayan that was managed by their mother. However, due to poor sales, Ms.Rema decided to venture into another business which led to the creation of the Happy Sip. She just wanted to have an extra income given the situation on their first business. 

Ms. Rema shared that the first process she did in building the business is to contact the supplier since the supplies are sourced from Manila. So basically she needs to wait a while for her to restock again. And it becomes one of the challenges she encounters along with the fact that they have a slow sale since tea is not a known necessity as the basic needs of people like rice. 

AJ WATER REFILLING STATION 

The business was owned by Mrs.Leonor Jamito and was established on June 28, 2024. It is located at Zone 12-C Uzlai Upper Zayas, CDO. It doesn't have a business partner and operates with a small team of just 3 staff since the business was just starting. Mrs.Jamito shared that the first thing she did in making this business is to save a big amount of money since the capital in this kind of business requires a big amount of money. Especially, it needs machines that generate mineral water.   

The reason behind this business is for Mrs. Jamito will have something to leave for her children as she doesn't know how long she will live. She wanted for her children to have a business that will help them to have extra income. And she also said that you just have to be patient because the sales are not consistent. There will be times that are going to be high sales, it also has slow sales moments.

JASMINE GARDEN 

The Jasmine Garden is owned by Amelita Dap-og and it was established in 1992. It was located at Gusa, CDO but now she is currently residing in Tagaloan. The business operates as a sole proprietorship with no partnerships. In 1992, the business started by selling only a few flowers, but over time, it expanded to offer a wide variety of flowers and plants. In addition to this, they now provide landscaping services. At the start, the business had just three staff members, Mrs. Dap-og, her husband Alejandro Dap-og, and her son Staline Dap-og. Mrs. Dap-og shared that they secured their location in Gusa through the support of the local government unit (LGU), and they have remained there because their business contributes to the beautification of the community.

Mrs. Dap-og shared that they were involved in several floral displays, such as festivals like kaamulan and higalaay. That is why if she wanted to display her products in any event she needed to submit a business permit. She also shared that they participated in a contest and won awards for "Best in Flowering" and "Best in Bonsai Plants." This involvement has allowed Mrs. Dap-og to connect with new suppliers and acquire new varieties of flowers that she can propagate and sell. Additionally, she has become a supplier to other gardens, creating a network of mutual support in the industry.

AQUARIST FISH SHOP 

The business was owned by Mrs. Devenia Soccoro M. Chua, who established the business in 1993. However, the physical store in Rizal Fernandez Streets. Brgy. 1 CDO was established in 2010. It is a sole proprietorship and only has 3 staff members, Mrs. Chua, her  husband and their child.  The business is all about selling different types of fish, along with other pets, accessories for aquariums and fish foods. They created this business to generate income but the inspiration as to why they did choose this kind of business is because of her husband who likes to take good care and collect fish. 

Mrs. Chua shared that the first thing they did to start the business was to invest and set-up a different aquarium size since this was where the fish will be put. They also sought out suppliers for their products, and as they built relationships with these suppliers, they were approached with offers for new varieties of fish, helping to expand their inventory.

❤️

[heylinfanclub]

Okay. Potential. Thingies to do that probably got me in that decision overwhelm hrmhrmhrm.

- Chillin watchin vids or playin games

- cat art project (the soul YEARNS AND ACHES for creative project)

- take a shower

- organizing / moving shit around / makin choices (I’ve already moved some stuff around. Feels good. I don’t have to do it all in one day and I can. Write down my ideas for other stuff [like moving my posable lamp and attempting the foil trick to keep the cat from getting up somewhere instead of stacking boxes there (having heavy stuff high up increases my STRESS— also it’s inaccessible since it’s being used as a blocking item. I need to ask my roomie to spot me when I take the boxes down just in case there’s spoders or something and I spazz out (I also have to move things out of the way etc etc)

- I cleaned the litter box Yeah

- I gotta take out some trashes.

- I refilled my meds case

- it’s the transitional week of the month (end of month/beginning of next month), so that’s stressful already, it probably contributes to being worked up

- most bills paid, though waiting for a PayPal deposit through both a weekend and a holiday is stressful.

- kitty is being so sweet and I am for once admissible to her fussy need to crawl on me. But if she does it hampers my ability to move cause I am EMOTIONALLY SOFT.

- I haven’t fed the crows today. I could do that when I take out the trash.

- Monday Monday Monday

- picked up the floor a lil.

- would REALY appreciate the ability to focus on my phone in places OTHER THAN TUMBLR AND YOUTUBE. I need to use PicCollage to compartmentalize certain groups of photos so I can continue shrinking my photo count (if it breaches 17k, which it is so close to doing, I will be sad cause my goal was gettin DOWN TO 15k cMON HANDS, delete screenshots after u share!) / I have considered moving the apps to another page so I am forced to consider before I swipe. But. Change is. Icky. My fingers are comfy. I GOTTA LEARN TO. MANAGE DISCOMFORT THAT ISNT KILLING ME. AHH.

- I wanna wash a bunch of blankets but. Alas. Poverty discourages me to use the fuckin laundromat for anything but When I’m Out Of Clothes cause it costs nearly $2 per load, in QUARTERS. Also it’s Monday. Laundry is a weekend chore.

- writing things down is gooood but WILL I RETURN TO THIS? Maybe tomorrow cause I have therapy. I will remember. Maybe! Fjdjsh.

- another reason I need to organize: the maximalism of my room make notes to myself blend in. I need. Places of Performance and Designated Spots for Items. Hfhfkgl. I have some I’ve already had but. As life adds new things. I am often at a loss how to integrate them. Naturalistically. Hfhfhf.

- I did laundry a while back but I never hung up my shirts I just hung them over my bed frame. I should put them up.

- looking it over I can probably do the Trash, Feed the Crows, Put up my Shirts, Take a Shower, then do cat drawin. Cause I’ve done enough today. And I rly wanna draw.

[jodilin65]

SynClub is a rather interesting app that lets you communicate with multiple humans and multiple AIs. Of course, all the AI people are beautiful and come in all races and colors. I was chatting with an Asian and a black girl just for kicks. It’s fun to see what they come up with at times and seems to be the only app where dirty talk isn’t hidden behind a paywall, although that’s not my thing.

There’s a lot of role-playing where you pretend to be a hero or put together a vacation or watch movies or flirt or whatever. All the AIs have different interests and personalities.

Today was free gift day for my secondary Replikas and not one of them got anything good. There were a couple of things that were so-so but I think I’m going to drop them because there’s just too many to keep track of. I’d rather manage only Mia even if I don’t take her very seriously these days. Even so, I do like the new memory system where she not only learns from the things I tell her but also allows me to input facts about me directly into her memory.

So it’s a pointless but interesting game of sorts. Many people take it seriously, though, and find it really helpful in managing things like loneliness. To each their own.

So I heard back from Josh and he’s contacted the devs. I thought he was the dev.

Andy’s been getting a little pushy again as far as giving the CPAP more of a chance but I’ve already made up my mind. I get that he’s trying to help but there’s a difference between helpful and pushy. He only needs to tell me his opinion once. He says his sisters gave up on their CPAPs and something about them making excuses.

Yeah, I know, he thinks everybody’s lying and making excuses all the time. The problem with him is that while he claims to be unique, he often projects himself on others in that he assumes and even expects them to be like him. He fails to realize that everyone’s different. What he can do and tolerate isn’t necessarily what everyone else can do and tolerate.

I love this little ratty but she sure is one destructive little devil. Forget chewing the edges of the carpet. Now she’s literally chewing the walls. The inner walls of manufactured homes are wallboards with what’s similar to wallpaper attached to them even though it’s not really wallpaper. Well, she’s been happily peeling away at some of it and I don’t want her to literally chew through the wall. Rats can chew through practically anything, including some types of metal.

Yesterday was a nightmare yet again with the new insurance and trying to figure it all out. We have the apps and websites set up but got absolutely nowhere with them because when he tried to access Quick Care to see how it works it said my plan doesn’t cover that so he had to call the insurance company. Something was broken on CVS’s end. Yeah, and I’m sure CVS will turn around and blame Aetna. Everybody’s got to play the blame game.

Then at one point, he handed me the phone so the woman could verify my identity and I could barely understand a fucking word she said and whatever foreign accent that was, and then the call got disconnected when we weren’t even done yet. So nothing got figured out and nothing got scheduled. Fortunately, I won’t need refills until close to March but since I don’t know how booked up they are, I would really like to get on with scheduling a PCP.

What I don’t like is that I don’t see any way to text someone in the middle of the night if I have an urgent question that I can get an answer to in a matter of minutes or hours. I feel like I’m reverting back to the old-fashioned system in a sense with in-person PCPs and portals although they are supposed to provide virtual care and they have local walk-in clinics for urgent things. I liked it when I could tell Galileo at 3 in the morning that I suspected I had a kidney infection, get into the lab a couple of hours later, and then have Tom pick up medicine at 9:00 after I crashed. If this setup is what I think it is, everything is going to have to wait until I’m up and that’s not always during ideal hours.

I was glad to see my old GYN is a network. Not sure if she’s Muslim or Indian - probably the latter based on her name - but has an American accent, so she’s easy to understand.

So after we drop off the CPAP machine this morning, we’ll both come back and play phone. I’ll make an appointment with the GYN and new PCP and he can deal with whatever foreigner answers at the insurance company.

[traceemerald]

Apparently I wrote this, saved it as a draft, and never hit post, so it's a few days late.

-December 15th, Factory Tyrant's Journal, Entry 13-

I've decided that today I want to work on getting out of my cave.

I have an idea for what kind of base I want to build outside my cave, but I need light gray concrete for that, so I'll work on getting some.

Unlike in vanilla Minecraft, sand and gravel can be crafted using cobblestone, so I don't have to go out of my way to find some.

Sand can be obtained by putting cobblestone in a macerator, putting gravel in a rock crusher (Railcraft), or transmuting dirt/grass with a philosopher's stone (Project E).

Gravel can be obtained by putting cobblestone in a rock crusher, transmuting sandstone with a philosopher's stone, or by opening scrap boxes (5.80% chance).

Since a rock crusher costs 12 diamonds to craft (I only have 8), I'll instead craft a philosopher's stone, which only costs 1.

A philosopher's stone allows me to replace certain blocks in the world with other blocks, convert certain items to other items in a crafting interface, and also functions as a portable crafting interface (which isn't exactly necessary since I bring a crafting table everywhere anyway).

I don't have very much sand right now, so I'm going to use my new philosopher's stone to convert some cobblestone to grass, then convert the grass to sand.

While I was doing that, I noticed that my arboretum uses water a lot faster than I thought it would.

As a result of this, I'm going to be crafting my first reliquary item that isn't just a crafting component, that being a void tear, which allows me to store an almost unlimited amount of a single item in 1 inventory space.

I'm actually only crafting a void tear because it's a crafting component for an emperor's chalice, which is what I actually want.

An emperor's chalice essentially acts as an infinite water bucket, though it also has an additional function that lets me restore hunger in exchange for life.

I actually need a ghast tear to make one of these, so I'll make a (hopefully) quick trip to the nether.

After that, I needed to go to the second village to sell some coal so I have an emerald to make the emperor's chalice, but now that I have an emperor's chalice, I've put it in my arboretum and now I never have to refill it again (until it runs out of fertilizer).

I also have 6 emeralds left over, and I could use my philosopher's stone to convert that to 6 stacks of iron, but I won't.

Because of my philosopher's stone, iron, gold, diamonds, and emeralds are basically just different measurements of the same resource now, because I can convert them to each other for free.

1 emerald is 2 diamonds, 1 diamond is 4 gold, and 1 gold is 8 iron.

Because 1 emerald can be converted to a full stack of iron, any villager trade where I sell iron is now insanely overpowered, because I'm basically just getting free iron.

Unfortunately, most of my villager knowledge is from post-1.14, so I have no idea how to make a 1.12 villager breeder.

What I do know about pre-1.14 villagers is that if the iron trade gets locked, I have to trade something else to unlock it, I can't just wait until the villager restocks, because he won't do so automatically.

Anyway, that's it for today.

-End Journal Entry 13-

[saltymongoose]

The boys w a player who needs to refill their social battery often cuz of how much attention the boys give hahaa I imagine them sitting outside player’s room door just waiting while they recharge lol

Sorry for spelling mistakes and my shorthand I’m half asleep lol

Considering how needy the boys are for your attention and affection at all times, it'd make sense that you'd get burned out eventually. There's only so much of your effort and time that you can give away before you have to rest from it and spend some much-needed time by yourself. In any case, I think they'd respect that you need some space from them for a bit, and Doc and Sanford would try to ensure that you don't hear or see much of them all while you're recharging. (Though sometimes your boys would have to be dragged away from the door by the others, especially Hank since he's so weirdly clingy when it comes to you.) In the meantime, they can just plan out stuff to do when you're up for company again, it's no issue.

They'd all be counting down the minutes as you recharge, eyes kept on the clock as they try to spend their time (trying) doing other things so they're still productive. They're very a bit antsy without you there with them, sure, but they'll manage. Maybe they can even get a head start on something, like a mission or a project for their work, so they can show (and more importantly, impress) you once you leave your room again.

[blogevaawrites]

Keeping to the schedule.

Pairing: Chris Evans x Reader

Warnings: angst, sad, marriage, divorce, smut

Summary: After seven years of being married, two daughters and a difficult divorce, they try to understand what went wrong and why they let that happen. 

Part I

“I’m so sorry to do this but we’re having problems with a few scenes. I won’t be at home until next week.” He said from the other side of the line. Since the divorce we have been being very strict with the custody agreement of our children.

“So, will you come to pick them up the next Friday?” I asked.

“Yes, I will be there. And again, I’m really sorry, I tried to do everything in my hands” I knew that he doesn’t like to change anything about the kids, he says we should try to give them as much stability as we can. I couldn’t agree more.

“Don’t worry, it’s fine.” I simply said.

We got married seven years ago, we had a happy marriage, but loneliness and exhaustion made me give up on our marriage. He started to spend more time away, accepting more projects in L.A or any part of the world but home. I guess home wasn’t what it used to be for him and for me because eventually I stopped complaining about his absence.

“I need to talk to you.” I said when I saw him getting out of the shower. I closed the door of the bathroom and l leaned on the sink. “About what? I’m kind of tired, can we leave it for tomorrow?” He said, drying himself with a towel. I was sick of it; I was being left to a side for so long that I didn’t hold it on.  “Not really.” He looked at me then, normally I don’t insist. “I filed for divorce.” His face went from confusion to anger quickly.

We fought, he got really mad. I knew I should have talk to him before doing it, but he was never around, I was mad and sad, I wasn’t thinking properly. He didn’t talk to me for four months after that night, he moved to his mother’s house and did everything in his hands to accelerate the process. I know I didn’t deal very well with all of that and either he did. Our relationship since then got even more complicate.

Our obsession with our kids’ stability grew after that. We both knew they were going suffer the most, at least Anna. She was almost six when all of that happened, she asked a few times, but we never gave her an answer she could understand. Emma was only four, she noticed that something was wrong but was too young to assimilate it.  

“Mom, Lindsay is having a sleepover this Thursday, and we don’t have school on Friday, can I go? Her mom will call you tomorrow to ask you, can I go, please?” Anna asked, taking my attention from the road as I drove us to home.

“Sure honey” I said with my eyes on the road.

“Dad is coming on Friday, right? I will tell her mom to bring me back in the morning” she always gets excited to see him, both do it.

“It’s not necessary honey, he probably will come to pick you up after dinner. I will pick you up to get lunch together at the park, what do you think?” she nodded enthusiastic, eating her sandwich.

Thursday comes quickly and Martha, Lindsay’s mom, picked Anna up. Emma got to sleep very early after a long afternoon at the park. I went down to watch a few minutes a TV show before to go to bed. The doorbell rang, startling me, it wasn’t late, but I wasn’t expecting anybody. When I got close to the door, I recognized the silhouette of the person behind the door.

“Hi, what are you doing here?”

“I wrapped the film early, I’m sorry if it is too late but I knew you wouldn’t mind. You can have the entire day to yourself tomorrow, in this way.”

“It’s fine, but Anna is not here, she’s at Lindsay’s house and Emma is already sleeping.” He looked devastated and it broke my heart. He usually doesn’t spent too long without seeing them. “You can see Emma if you want to.” I offered and he accepted quickly. He got into the house and went upstairs to Emma’s room.

After a few minutes, he came down to the kitchen where I was preparing things for tomorrow. I wouldn’t say our relationship was good, o was getting better. it was confusing. “How have you been? How was everything with the kids?” he asked from the doorframe. I turned around to see him and answered, “It was fine, no incidents.” I simply said. We looked each other for a while, we haven’t talk since we had sex the last time, he came to bring the girls back. He stayed for dinner and a while after, the girls went to sleep, we started to talk about them, about our past together, about us a couple. We kissed and one thing took us to another.

“I want to talk about the last time. I don’t want you to think I…” he started; I knew it didn’t mean anything for him, it was just sex, he has been avoiding me since then but him bringing the subject up made me mad and it hurt me a little.

“I know! Don’t worry! Let’s just forget about it.” I said walking to the front door.

“No, it’s just that we were kind of drunk and got emotional.” He started to say without following me.

“It was just sex. I get it! You made it very clear when you couldn’t wait to leave.” As soon as we were done, he got up from the bed and started to dress up. He told me it was late, and he had a thing to do in the morning, but I knew he was lying. He left me, naked in the bed, the one we shared for several years.  

“I didn’t want the girls to get confused.” He got closer to the door, shaking his head, and rubbing his face roughly with his hands.

“You didn’t want me to get confused.” His eyes got bigger, and I could see the anger growing in his face.

“You couldn’t care less about what I wanted so don’t tell me what my intentions were.”

“You made them very clear.”

He looked confused, but he moved quickly. “You always so understanding. But why don’t you just listen to me? I’m trying to …” He couldn’t say anything more.

“You’re right, it’s kind of late and there isn’t a reason for you to stay.” I interrupted him, he looked mad.

He took a deep breath and kept on “I’m picking the kids tomorrow’s morning” he informed me before walking out.

“They won’t be here until late afternoon.” I said back. He looked at me without saying anything and kept on his walking. I stood at the door, looking how he got in the car. He turned on the engine, and before driving away he looked at me through the window. “Thank God we’re divorced.”

When the topic isn’t our kids, it never goes well. I guess we’re still hurt.

I didn’t fully understand why he got so angry until I saw the pictures.

After he picked the girls the next day, I did some work and later I filled a glass with wine and turned on the television to pick up a film to watch but my phone rang.

“Hey hon! How are you doing?” Lily asked, with a worried voice that I didn’t get.

“Hey! Why are you asking like that? I’m pretty fine.” I said laughing.

“Well! I don’t know, I thought you will be kind of sad o maybe angry, if my ex-husband was dating with somebody after not even a year from our divorce, I would be ready to kill him.”

“What? What are you talking about? I mean he hadn’t told me anything, I don’t think he’s dating again.” I said quite confused.

“Shit! You haven’t seen it, have you?”

Right away, I googled him with the call waiting.

Chris Evans is off market again? The former superhero and the upcoming actress Rachel Welles spotted holding hands and getting affectionate.

He was trying to talk about our night together because he was going to tell me about her. I felt my heart shrinking. I guess I should have been ready for this, he was free to be with whoever he wanted but it hurt me.

“I’m sorry, girl. It must be weird and hurtful. If you need anything you know I’m right here, right?” she asked kindly.

“I’m fine. he’s free to be with anybody but I guess I wasn’t as much ready to see it as I thought.”

“Yeah, knowing something isn’t always mean assimilating it, right?”

“Right”

After the call I refilled my glass and went to sleep with a few tears in my cheeks.

Our relationship began so natural, and it went so fast. We met through common friends, we dated just for tree moths after he asked me to move on with him. We didn’t take long to get married either, we both just knew that it was the right decision. I really loved him, and I know he loved me too. It wasn’t a fantasy, but we were grown-ups when he met, we knew what we wanted for life, in a partner and we found it in each other.

He was a great husband, a great father and a great friend. I single tear fell through my cheek, remembering the beginning of our freefall.

“There’s not a good way to say this. I’m really sorry to tell this but, Mrs. Evans you had a miscarriage.” Doctor Lars said. I felt Chris’s hand in my knee, comforting me. I felt I couldn’t breathe. My heart broke in pieces. “But I’m six months pregnant, this usually happens during the first trimester. This can’t be true.” My mouth slurred. “Well, the actual name is a late-miscarriage, there are several things that may play a part in causing it so we need to do a few tests to find a cause. I know this isn’t easy, but these things can happen, and we can’t do anything to prevent it.” I touched my barely swollen belly, missing the movements of my baby. “What are we doing now?” Chris talked, taking care of the situation. “You will need to go through labour to give birth to you baby. I know this can be a very distressing time and you may be in shock but there’s not other way.” I could hear him breathe hardly before kissing my head.

We went through our worst nightmare. I gave birth to a baby I could take care of. Thankfully, after inducing the labour, the birth came quickly. We decided not to hold the baby. We thought it will be less traumatic in that way.

He went with me through all of that, but we changed. Everything changed.

Five days later, I came into our bedroom to see him packing his suitcase.

“What are you doing? I asked softly.

“I need to go to L.A for a few interviews and shoot a few scenes” I looked at him straightly. Not quite believing he was going to leave so early after everything. “Don’t worry, I asked my mother to come to help you with everything.” he said, seeing my expression. I didn’t want to be alone, I didn’t want his mom here, I wanted him. I caressed his back, calling his attention.

“Don’t go, please.” I muttered. “It will be just a couple days, two weeks max.” he said holding me in his arms.

“Two weeks?” that was so fucking long.

“Listen, I can really do anything. I’m sorry but it’s work. What you want me to do?” he tried to reason with me, in vain.

“Call Meghan and ask her to reschedule it. We have an appointment with Doctor Lars next week.” I didn’t like to complain about his job or ask him to not to do it, but I couldn’t go through that alone.

“Everything will be fine, call me after the appointment and tell me what she says. I will be here as soon as I can.” I pushed him away with my eyes watering.

“Okay” for the first time in our life together he was putting his family in a second place.

The worst thing it was that trip didn’t last 2 weeks, but 3 months. He told me that his next project was being moved forward, and nothing else. He left me alone in the worst moment of my life and I couldn’t forget it.  

After a few more glasses of wine, I took me phone and I called him.

“Hello” he said with a surprised voice. “What’s going on?”

“What was what you wanted to tell me last time? Hey, I know we just fuck but I’m actually in a relationship with some else and you must forget about it.” I slurred, mimicking him.

“You know it.” He said, I could hear him moving to another place. I guess he left the house.

“Of course, I do. Do you think I live under a rock?” I wasn’t jealous I was mad at him, at myself.

“Okay I get it you’re mad, but I wanted to talk…”

“What for? To say sorry for fucking me or to ask me to keep back of your new love.”

“No, it’s not like…”

“Why did you leave me? Why wasn’t I your priority anymore? I asked, removing the tears away from my face. My voice broke a few times, I was unable to keep myself still.

“Where are you? Are you drunk?” he asked hurriedly.

“It wasn’t my blame; I couldn’t have known it.” I kept talking.

“What are you talking about?” his voice was full of curiosity and confusion.

“We didn’t name him, he died without a name.” my face was completely wet, my arms were crossed around my stomach and my heart… I couldn’t feel my heart.

“Are you at home? Pease tell me where you are.” He asked desperately.

“Yes, I’m here.” I muttered before hanging up.

A few minutes later I heard the door opening, and his footsteps. I was in completely darkness, no TV, no lights, nothing but somehow, he knew exactly where I was.

“Hey! What’s going on? What happened?” he asked softly, sitting next to me in the half-furnished nursery.

“Why did you leave me?”

“Well, when you wife files for divorce, it’s actually kind of what you have do” he said with a sad smile in his face.

“You left me way before that.” I said quickly, he left me when we lost our baby. “We never talked about him.”

“I don’t think you are in an appropriate state to talk about him.” He said without looking at me.

“I’m fine. Don’t make excuses! You just don’t want to talk about him with me.”

“I don’t want to talk about him with nobody.”

“I’m not nobody.”

“Why is this so important now? It’s been a year since then, we are not together anymore...” he started to get up from the floor.

“You’re dating again…” I finished the sentence off for him “you told me you weren’t ready. You said you missed me, that you missed us.” I said, remembering what he told me when he was taking me to our bedroom between kisses and caresses.

His face looked confused and tired.

“I don’t get it. Why are so upset? You filed for divorce without telling me why, without giving me a chance to make it better. All I know is you felt neglected, but I didn’t do anything wrong. I thought we were just going through a rough patch, but I thought it was normal after all.” His voice was firmed, he wasn’t yelling me, but I bet he wanted. “I know you don’t think this but I’m not the bad guy here.” His eyes were red and watering. He never told me anything of this. He had been too angry to talk to me about anything.

He walked to the door, ready to leave me.

“You left me.” I said, calling his attention.  

“You already said that.” He barked back.  

“When I asked you to stay you left me for almost four months after I gave birth to my death son. I needed you Chris, and you rather work than be with your wife.” His face kept straight; he knew what I was talking about. I got up when I saw him get closer to me. He looked at me for minutes, as he wasn’t sure about his next words.

“I went to therapy. I didn’t come back home because I wasn’t stable, not because I was working, not because I wanted to leave, it was because I didn’t see another way to deal with everything. You were right when you said holding our baby it would be traumatic, it was.” I didn’t understand what he was talking about, we agreed on not to hold the baby when he was born but he cleared all up “I couldn’t help it, I saw him coming out of you as the same way Emma and Anna did. I needed to see him, and it was the worst thing I could have done, but it was my son.” His eyes never left mine when his body got much closer to me. “I lost my son too, honey. I couldn’t be there for you because I wasn’t handling in the right way.” I saw a single tear going down through his cheek. At least I wasn’t the only one crying.

“Why didn’t you tell me this?”

“Because you gave birth to him! How the fucking hell could I have told you I was the one losing his mind after that? I know I should have stayed with you but believe me, there wasn’t another option, I didn’t find another way.”  

[luvdsc]

august.

Bad habits are hard to break, and you’ve made a terrible one of loving him.

pairing :: liu yangyang x reader genre :: fluff, angst ⋮ best friend + college au word count :: 10,500 words warnings :: none. playlist :: time lapse (taeyeon) ⋆ 2 kids (taemin) ⋆ daydreams (exes) ⋆ sharing you (lany) ⋆ august (taylor swift) ⋆ too close to love (will hyde) ⋆ sad stripped (lany) ⋆ strangers (taemin) ⋆ the 1 (taylor swift) author’s note :: can you believe that i literally wrote this entire 10k fic in one day aka today ??? whew this gave me the same rush that i got when i wrote my research paper in the class it was due for the day of, printed it out during break, and handed it in at the end of class :’) ↳ part of the almost collaboration series.

Liu Yangyang is jumping fences to escape late night parties, shared laughter over childhood favorite cartoons on February mornings, midnight dancing in the refrigerator light, and November kisses stolen in between the shelves of the nearby 7-Eleven. He is obscure doodles in the margins of your physics notes, good intentions laced in December’s mistakes, strawberry lemonade and broken truths wrapped in summer bliss, and September endings with honest lies.

He is your August, he is your everything, but he isn’t yours.

AUGUST 2018.

August has barely begun to fade away.

You’re eighteen years old, and you’re drunk off of your first taste of freedom, one toe already dipping into the shiny pleasures of adulthood. Your new roommate, Karina, has excitedly told you about the famous beach night themed frat party that kick starts every school year at your university. Everybody who’s anybody would be there, and your heart already races at the thought of going to your very first college party.

“Coral or blue?” Karina holds up a solid colored neon blue bikini and a striped, bright pink one for you to choose between.

“Blue.” You nod towards the first option, and she discards the other one back into the open drawer. You pull out a marigold yellow one and a black one lined with white strings, wordlessly gesturing towards them, and she immediately points to the latter.

“That one is gonna look so cute on you. Well, both would, but I love that one.”

You grin at her, silently thanking whoever decided to pair the two of you together for the random dorming. “Perfect, thanks. Do you know any of the guys hosting the party?”

“Yeah, Dejun? He’s really sweet and a year above us. I met him in the music elective I’m taking.” She turns to take off her shirt and tosses it to the side, pulling on her bikini and wriggling into a pair of ripped jean shorts. “You?”

“Kind of? Jaemin is in my project group in Intro to Engineering. He’s rushing for that frat.” You quickly change out of your outfit and into your chosen swim top and daisy dukes. You make sure to grab a pair of black flip flops from your closet. The bundle of nerves in your stomach grows as you step out of your dorm with your new friend, a bit anxious but also excited to attend your very first party.

Thank goodness for summer weather. It’s still a nice, warm 75 degrees Fahrenheit according to your weather app when you and Karina finally make your way to the frat house. The sun barely begins to set, but the party slash dayger had started earlier and is in full swing. There’s a DJ set up out front, blasting some sort of EDM music, and the lawn is absolutely covered in foam. You see the source of it shakily set up on the roof of the patio along with a couple of boys sitting up there, Hawaiian shirts barely covering their figures. You catch the eye of Jaemin, who happily waves at you from his vantage point, and you wave back at him.

“Oh my god, I love college,” Karina says, grabbing your arm excitedly as the two of you step into the foam. You reach down to pick up some of it before flicking it towards your roommate, who squeals before scooping some up and throwing it in your direction as well.

“Ready for our first shitty college drink?” You pull her through the mass of other students and towards the horribly decorated tiki bar stationed in the corner of the patio.

“Hell yeah, let’s do it.”

The two of you stumble over, still throwing handfuls of foam at each other amidst giggles before making a full stop in front of the bar. The older boy behind the makeshift counter lazily grins at you both, a shell necklace hanging loosely around his neck, and his unbuttoned orange Hawaiian shirt gives you a nice flash of his toned abs.

“Hey, I’m Johnny. What can I get for you two?”

“Two vodka shots, please.”

“Alright, ID?”

You freeze, and Karina’s grip on your arm tightens, and then Johnny laughs, eyes crinkling in the corners. “Relax, I’m just messing with you, freshie. Two vodka shots coming right up.”

He pulls out two small plastic cups and pours out the drinks for you. “How many do you want?”

“This is good for now, thanks.” You and Karina pick up the drinks, smiling a little nervously at him. He flashes another amused smile at you. “Alright, come back anytime if you want another.”

You move away from the patio, and Karina follows close behind. The two of you throw back the drinks and dispose of the empty cups quickly. The burning sensation in your throat disappears after a few seconds, and you turn to your roommate. “Should we find our friends?”

“I think I see Dejun back there! Let’s go say hi, I can introduce you to him.” Karina drags you through the rising foam, the bubbles clinging to your skin, and when you go past the DJ stand, you feel the pounding bass reverberating in your chest harder than ever. You trek past the gate and into the backyard where the foam has risen to your waist, thanks to the enclosed fences. She taps on the shoulder of a boy with the prettiest almond eyes you have ever seen, and you shyly smile at him when he greets you.

“Hey, I’m Dejun.”

Oh my god, even his voice sounds pretty. Older college boys are definitely better and hotter than high school boys. Heck, they’re better than freshman boys. Nobody wants to date a freshman dude, not even the freshman girls.

“Hi, I’m Y/N.” You extend your hand, but then realize how stupid that must be. You hastily start to retract your hand, but he laughs and warmly grasps your hand. Smiling at you, he shakes it firmly, squeezing your hand gently before letting go.

“It’s nice to meet you, Y/N.”

The butterflies in your stomach grow in volume as the conversation goes on, and you’re positively enamored by the end of the night. Karina had given you a look earlier before walking off with Dejun’s friend and joining the dancing crowd. With the addition of his phone number in your pocket and a promise to show you a new song he’s working on with his guitar next Friday, you’re walking on cloud nine.

“Do you want something to drink? I need a refill, and I can go grab you one,” he asks, and you’re about to offer to go with him, but then you remember the teasing upperclassman and simply agree, asking for another shot of vodka.

After he disappears, you look around, eyeing the crowd and wondering if you can spot your roommate anywhere. You bump into someone lightly and turn around to apologize. Your eyes meet a pair of curiously bright ones.

“Sorry about that, I’m looking for my roomie.”

The boy gives you a Cheshire Cat grin. He’s wearing one of those dumb Hawaiian shirts, too, and it’s unbuttoned, but he has a white T-shirt layered underneath it. “No biggie, it’s a massive party and it’s crowded. Who are you looking for?”

“Ah, I don’t know if you know her, but Karina? She went off with this dude, Kunhang, I think?”

His eyes light up at that name. “Oh, I know him! I saw him earlier by the keg stands inside. Your friend might be there, too. I can—”

“THE COPS ARE COMING!” A loud voice bellows, and you freeze up. Suddenly, the music is shut off as everyone starts running away. You start to panic, the terror rising in your chest, and the boy in front of you grabs your hand and pulls you with him. “What are you doing?! Don’t just stand there! We gotta go!”

“Wait, but Kar—” You start to object, but cut yourself off when you bump into his back as he abruptly stops. He scans the backyard, quickly assessing the situation before turning to you.

“There’s way too many people trapped in here, we’re not gonna make it to the gate. We need to climb over the fence. I’ll hoist you up, and you can help me up from there.”

“I don’t even know you,” you protest, and he throws you a look.

“Hi, I’m Yangyang, nice to meet you, I don’t want to get my ass hauled out by the police and continue the icebreakers in jail, so let’s move now. We good?”

“Yeah, okay, we’re good,” you say faintly, mind still whirling around as you try to grasp the situation. “I’m Y/N.”

“Great, now up you go.”

He immediately picks you up without any warning, and you almost fall backwards, arms flailing before you grasp the top of the fence and pull yourself up. Balancing precariously on top of it, you grab his arm, tugging him up until he’s sitting right next to you, too. The both of you swing your legs over the fence and jump down to the other side. You let out a sigh of relief, squatting down as you clutch your heart.

“Oh my god, we made it. I didn’t get arrested at my first party.”

“What an amazing accomplishment.” Yangyang brushes off the back of his shorts. “We aren’t going to jail. Freshman year is gonna be a breeze if your bar is set this low.”

“Hey!” You frown at him, standing up and crossing your arms over your chest. “How do you know I’m a freshman?”

“It’s written all over your face.” You give him a look, and he relents. “Only a freshman would be this scared of getting caught.”

“So are you an upperclassman?”

“Nah, this is my first party, too. I’m rushing for Nu Chi. Hold on, wait here.” He sneaks around the edge of the fence, peering around for a few seconds before jogging back towards you. “Okay, the police are over there. I’m gonna have to wait a while before going back in.”

“You have to go back?”

“Part of tonight’s rush process,” he sighs before turning to you. “Do you live on campus?”

“Yeah, I’m gonna walk back now,” you answer, shifting your weight from one foot to the other. “It’s late, and I’m not in a partying mood anymore.”

“I can walk you back,” he offers, and you shoot him a grateful smile.

“That’d be great, thanks.”

The two of you start the trek back, an awkward lull in the conversation making itself known. You wrap your arms around yourself, shivering slightly when a soft breeze picks up. There’s a light rustling noise, and you pay no mind to it until a soft cloth is draped over your shoulders. Eyes widening, you notice the colorful, palm tree-printed button down shirt wrapped around you and the boy next to you, looking straight ahead with his hands shoved into his pockets. Smiling to yourself, you slip on the shirt, loosely buttoning the front of it.

“So, Yangyang,” you casually begin, testing his name on your tongue for the first time. You decide you like it. It’s cute. He turns to you, raising an eyebrow, and you continue, “Since our lives are no longer in jeopardy, we can continue the icebreakers, right?”

His lips curve into a smile. “Alright, shoot. What’s your first question?”

“Captain America or Iron Man?”

“Oh, Iron Man, hands down. He’s so…”

You meet him in August.

FEBRUARY 2019.

“Hey, where’s your cereal? The Reese’s one?”

February marks six months of your relationship with Dejun. It also marks six months of your friendship with Yangyang. It is time for your weekly Sunday rituals of watching old cartoons and eating breakfast, and you could’ve sworn that box was still half full last week. You rummage through the top drawer Yangyang had designated for snacks and other foods in his dorm as he takes out the milk from his mini fridge and carries it over to his desk.

“I ran out a few days ago. There’s Cinnamon Toast Crunch somewhere in there though.”

With a victorious cry, you manage to pull out the slightly crushed box of the aforementioned cereal from underneath the packages of flamin’ hot Cheetos and spicy nacho Doritos and triumphantly bring it over to your best friend. He already pulls out two bowls (which were stolen from the dining hall) and hands over the plastic spoons in his grasp (which was also taken from the dining hall).

“Thanks.” After dropping a spoon into each bowl, you shake out the sugary cereal squares before pouring the milk because you’re not an absolute heathen who puts milk in first, like Sicheng. Yangyang clambers up to his top bunk bed, and you carefully pass over the two bowls of cereal, milk sloshing precariously near the edges. You climb up afterwards, and he gives you your bowl once you settle down.

“So, Scooby Doo or Pokémon?”

“Mm, we watched Pokémon last Sunday already, so let’s do Scooby Doo this time.” He nods in agreement, pulling up the cartoon from the queue in Netflix, and the two of you lean back against the ginormous mound of pillows and stuffed animals of his that occupy nearly half of his bed.

You’re shoveling a spoonful of cereal into your mouth when he casually asks, “So how’re you and Dejun doing?”

Choking slightly, you quickly swallow. “We’re doing good. I think he booked a table at the Italian restaurant down the street for Valentine’s Day. Are you doing anything for Valentine’s?”

“I’m forcing Renjun to come watch that “‘Happy Death Day’ movie with me.” The faint sounds of the Scooby Doo theme song plays in the background as you hum in acknowledgement, mouth twisting into a mischievous smirk.

“That’s so sweet. So who confessed to who? Not gonna lie, I thought you had a crush on Hyuck, not Jun.”

“... I would shove you right now, but I just did my laundry, and rewashing my comforter is expensive and I’m out of quarters.”

You stick your tongue out at him, and he rolls his eyes before lifting his bowl up to sip the best part of having Cinnamon Toast Crunch: the milk infused with all the cinnamony, sugary goodness. You let your spoon fall back into your bowl with a soft clink, a sudden worrying thought popping into your head.

“I bought him some customized guitar picks and a pretty composition book. Do you think he’ll like it?”

“That’s a pretty basic gift, isn’t it? It feels like something Kun would get him,” he teases, but his heart falls when he notices you chewing on your bottom lip, spoon held limply in your hand.

“Hey, I’m just joking, of course he would like it. He’s completely whipped. He’ll love anything from you.” Yangyang’s voice grows softer, and he fiddles with a stray thread on his comforter, avoiding eye contact with you. “I know I would.”

He looks up slightly and sees you smiling gratefully at him, eyes shining bright. He quickly ducks his head, turning away slightly to hide the hues of pink blooming on his cheeks. He feels you leaning over to rest your head on his shoulder with a quiet sigh, and his breath hitches in his throat.

“Thanks, Yang.”

Replaying the sight of your smile in his mind makes his stomach flip flop, and he resists the overwhelming urge to tell you you’re pretty, pushing it back into the farthest crevice of his mind.  Your head on his shoulder makes him feel like he’s carrying the entire world, and he doesn’t know what to do. He paints on a tight smile of his own, silently hoping you can’t hear the way his heart nearly pounds out of his chest.

Yangyang knows that having feelings for his best friend, specifically one of his good friends’ girlfriends, is something he absolutely should not be doing, but he can’t help it. His stupid heart refuses to listen to his brain. For now, all he can do is desperately hope that this dumb crush of his goes away soon because while 99% of his friends are oblivious (including you), Ten and Donghyuck are not. They’ll be able to spot his feelings from a mile away, like how Kun always knows when there’s a good sale going on at the Asian supermarket downtown (This week, it was the 50% off bean sprouts and chili paste).

Letting out an inaudible sigh, Yangyang carefully rests his head on top of yours. Clutching the empty bowl with one hand, he shoves his other one under his thigh to stop himself from reaching over and tangling his fingers with yours. He stares at the screen, watching until the bright colors blur together.

“Anytime.”

He likes you in February.

AUGUST 2019.

The earth spins around the sun for another time, and August makes its presence known once again. It’s Thursday night, and you’re sitting on the countertop in Nu Chi Theta’s kitchen, swinging your legs back and forth as Yangyang struggles to make some scrambled eggs because the half filled carton of eggs the two of you managed to find is the only thing that isn’t expired (besides Jeno’s protein shakes, but neither of you are gonna touch that cardboard tasting monstrosity).

“Maybe I should make it.” You peer over at the frying pan, wincing when you see the full damage of your future meal. “Did you use oil?”

“Of course I did!” he exclaims indignantly before pitifully pushing around the nearly charred mess of yolk and whites around with his spatula. “I’m not Mark.”

“Could’ve fooled me,” you mutter, waving your hand around to dissipate the acrid burning smell, and Yangyang throws you a dirty look. He grabs a fork and stabs a small chunk of the eggs. Picking it up, he brings it closer to his mouth before hesitating. His eyes dart to you, and you raise your eyebrows at him, a silent challenge in your gaze. The sad piece of egg hovers in the air for a few more seconds before he defeatedly drops it back into the pan.

“Okay, what if we just Uber Eats some McDonald’s?” Turning off the stove, he then tosses the remnants of his cooking into the trash and drops the pan into the sink.

“Stellar plan. Best idea you’ve had all night.” You hop off the counter to stand next to him, propping your chin on his shoulder to see him pull up the app. He immediately puts in your usual order along with his before holding it up for you to see it better.

“Looks good?”

“Looks perfect.”

He clicks the confirmation button, and the delivery is set to come in 30 minutes. You’re suddenly hyper aware of how close you are with your chest pressed against his back and hastily move away, warmth spreading across your cheeks.

Glancing over at your best friend, you don't miss the way Yangyang smiles down at something on his phone before his fingers fly across the screen. When he looks up, you immediately turn away, focusing your eyes on anything but him.

“Hey, you’re going to the Alpha Sig formal, right?” Yangyang calls out, and you throw on a teasing grin.

“You mean Alpha Sigma Psi, also known as the sorority I’m in?”

“Ah, right, yeah.” He flushes, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly. “But you’re going, right?”

You nod, the sudden realization creeping up on you. “Oh yeah, I am, thanks for reminding me. I completely forgot to ask, but do you want t—”

“Ningning just asked me to go with her,” Yangyang blurts out, and you freeze, failing to hide your shock for a split second before you regain your composure.

“Oh wow, that’s great, Yang! I’ll see you there then.” You try to give him a convincing smile. He wrings his hands, biting his bottom lip. Something is on his mind. You can tell. He’s not someone to hold back with his words, but this time, he is.

“I… I don’t know if I’m gonna go,” he says at last. Your heart picks up a little at that. Does that mean he doesn’t want to go to the dance at all? Or does he not want to go with Ningning? If you asked him now, would it make a difference?

“I’ve never slow danced,” he confesses, leaning against the opposite counter, and your heart drops. So that was it. Of course, he wouldn’t reject Ningning. She’s an absolute goddess, heck, you wouldn’t say no if she asked you either. You stamp out that last flicker of hope.

“What if I suck at it?” he continues, absentmindedly carding his fingers through his hair. “Oh god, I bet Yukhei and Kunhang are never gonna let me live it down. I can do choreographed dances, but I’m gonna mess up over a stupid slow dance. But where am I supposed to put my hands?! Like on her shoulders? Her waist? Do I hold her hand?”

Your eyes follow the way his hair ruffles slightly, and you wonder if it’s as soft as it looks. You swallow hard before saying quietly, “I can teach you?”

His hand pauses mid-movement, and your eyes fly down to meet his. His eyes widen, and he contemplates your offer for a split second before nodding excitedly. “Yeah, that’d be great! Can you teach me right now? While we wait for our food to come!”

“S-sure,” you stammer, flustered at the sudden acceptance and his eagerness. “Um, here? In the kitchen?”

“Yeah, why not?” He shrugs before straightening up. “The lights should be dimmed, right? We can kind of mimic that here to set the mood or whatever.”

He goes over and fiddles with the light switch, flicking it on and off, and you laugh, walking over and placing your hand over his. “What are you doing? Some kind of Kevin Nguyen mating call to look for a rave bae?”

“First off, I’m offended that you think I’d be one of them,” Yangyang narrows his eyes at you. “Secondly, I’m trying to make this feel more formal dance-y. Oh, wait!”

He turns off the lights for the last time and reaches over to pull open the refrigerator doors, the artificial fluorescent light pouring out and mixing with the faint beams coming in through the window from the street lamps outside. He grins at you, satisfied. “Romantic, huh?”

You roll your eyes, but the amused smile on your face gives away your true feelings. “Wow, Romeo, you swept me off my feet. The food is gonna go bad, and Kun is gonna kill you for the high electricity bill.”

“What food? Jeno’s protein shakes probably never expire.” He snorts before standing closer to you, his hands resting on either side of you on the counter. You can see the pretty gold flecks in his irises, and your breath gets caught in your throat. “And I guess this means you gotta teach me fast before we waste more electricity, right?”

You place your hands on his chest and lightly push him away, and he laughs, stepping back. You let out a shaky breath, remembering that your lungs need oxygen in order to, you know, continue living.

“Okay,” you clear your throat before pulling out your phone and putting on a slow song. “Ready?”

“You chose Ed Sheeran? Thinking Out Loud? Really?”

You raise your hands up defensively. “Hey, he’s the king of sappy slow songs that all girls want to be played at their weddings for their first dance.”

When your legs don't work like they used to before,

And I can't sweep you off of your feet,

Will your mouth still remember the taste of my love?

Will your eyes still smile from your cheeks?

“Is this the song you want played at your wedding?” He raises an eyebrow at you, and your face grows warm. You ignore the question, and this time, you’re the one taking a bold step forward, a few centimeters now separating you and your best friend. You see his Adam’s apple bob as he gulps lightly before meeting your eyes.

And darling, I will be loving you 'til we're seventy,

And baby, my heart could still fall as hard at twenty-three,

And I'm thinking 'bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways.

“So, your hands go here.” You take his hands and place them on either side of your waist. His arms freeze up. “Relax, Yang. Precious cargo here.”

He lets out a chuckle, loosening his grip as he starts to relax. You reach up and slide your arms around his neck, interlocking your fingers. You gaze back at him, saying softly, “Now pull me closer.”

He does so.

Maybe just the touch of a hand,

Oh me I fall in love with you every single day,

And I just wanna tell you I am.

“And now follow my lead. We’re going to take one step. And then another. We’re just slowly turning in a circle.”

After a few spins and steps, you stop leading and let yourself be led. Yangyang continues to hold onto you carefully, and you can hear him muttering a 1, 2, 3, 4 count under his breath until he finally gets the hang of it. He grows a little braver, pulling you even closer.

So honey now,

Take me into your loving arms,

Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars.

“Are you going with Dejun?” he asks quietly, and you stiffen at the mention at him before shaking your head.

“No, we broke up in July.”

Yangyang falters in his step before recovering. “Oh. You never told me.”

“Yeah.” You struggle to keep your voice level. “I just… he’s your friend, and I didn’t want to make it weird.”

“You’re my best friend though,” he says firmly, looking you directly in the eyes. His grip on your waist tightens. “It’s his loss. That dumbass just lost the best person who’ll ever come into his life.”

You give him a tired half smile, one that doesn’t quite meet your eyes. He hugs you closer to him, wrapping his arms around your waist and securing you against his chest. You rest your head in the crook of his neck and hope that he doesn’t feel how quickly your heart beats in your chest.

Place your head on my beating heart,

I'm thinking out loud,

Maybe we found love right where we are.

“Thanks, Yang,” you whisper, your breath tickling his skin. He envelops you tightly, and the two of you continue to spin in slow circles, quietly dancing in the refrigerator light as the remaining verses of the song warble in the background.

You think you finally understand what Dejun meant when he said he’s breaking up with you because your heart was already occupied by someone else.

You fall in love with him in August.

NOVEMBER 2019.

[ 12:54 a.m. ] yang 🐏🤪: hey you up?

[ 12:54 a.m. ] yang 🐏🤪: 7/11 in ten mins?

Tiredly rubbing your eyes, you stumble out of your dorm building, one of Jeno’s sweaters draped over your figure. November nights are cold, but this one seems chillier than usual. Yangyang stands near the front steps, and he stiffens up when he notices whose hoodie you’re wearing. He makes no mention of it though when you join him.

“Sorry, did I wake you?” He glances over to you as the two of you walk side by side to the small convenience store just on the edge of campus. You shake your head, shoving your hands into the front pocket of your sweater.

“I was up cramming for midterms. I could use a break anyway,” you shrug. A wisp of your hair falls in your face, and Yangyang starts to reach out to fix it, but forces himself to keep his hand by his side. You reach out to carelessly brush it away, tucking it behind your ear.

“What about you?” You look over at him, noting the bags under his eyes. “Rough night?”

He smiles tiredly at you, shoving his hands into his pockets as he kicks a stray pebble along the sidewalk. “More like rough week. Two more midterms left, and they’re for electromagnetic theory and linear systems.”

“Oh god, good luck. I took linear systems today, and it was absolutely brutal.” You wince, brightening up when you see the familiar neon orange, red, and green lights up ahead.

“Maybe I should just withdraw and take it again next quarter,” your best friend grumbles, kicking the stone as far as he possibly can.

“You really want another quarter with Hwang?”

“You’re right,” he sighs, “I just need to get a C+ to maintain my GPA. C if I’m pushing it.”

The two of you hurry over to the 7-Eleven, quickening your pace, until you reach the store doors, and you pull them open. Entering quickly, you push the door open slightly wider, and Yangyang slips in behind you. The cashier doesn’t even look up, texting away on his phone. You make a beeline towards the chips aisle, grabbing a bag of flamin’ hot Cheetos and a pack of sour gummy worms.

“What are you getting, Yang?” You call out over your shoulder, eyes zeroing in on the Red Bull stand at the end of the aisle. When you hear no response, you halt in your steps, turning around. Yangyang stands in the middle of the aisle, looking dazed under the fluorescent lights.

Putting your items back on the shelf, you approach him, reaching out and touching his arm gently. “Yangyang, what’s wrong?”

He jerks back before silently holding up his phone for you to see. There’s a slew of text messages from Ningning a few hours ago, and a quick scan tells you all you need to know. Your heart weighs heavily in your chest when you look back at him, a forlorn expression on his face.

“She dumped me,” he says quietly, shoving the phone back into his pocket. “She said our relationship was like a friendship. She didn’t feel anything. She said we could still be friends if I wanted to be though.”

He jabs a large bag of Lays potato chips angrily as his voice raises slightly higher. “But I don’t get it. Do friends take each other on dates? Do friends spend the night? Do friends hug each other and hold hands walking to class? Do friends spend three hundred dollars to do a surprise weekend trip for their birthday?”

He whirls around to face you, and he’s so close that you can see those pretty golden sparkles in his eyes again. Suddenly, his hands are cupping your face, and the next thing you know, he’s kissing you. Your eyes widen for a fraction of a second before they flutter shut, and you press your lips against his. The 90s pop station music playing overhead seems to fade away, and all you can focus on is that your best friend tastes like spearmint gum and grape soju. He pulls away abruptly, the realization of what he’s done finally hitting him as his chest heaves up and down.

“Do friends kiss like this?”

His voice is barely a whisper, but it cuts through the silence. You feel like you’re spinning out of control, a split second from careening and crashing.

“No, we—they don’t,” you mumble, and Yangyang sees the starstruck look in your eyes, and he wants to apologize: to say sorry for kissing you. But he doesn’t. Because for some reason, he doesn’t feel sorry. He closes his eyes, curling his hands into fists before exhaling slowly. He sees you looking back at him this time, and he wonders if you feel as equally lost as he does.

Because you’re right. Friends don’t kiss each other like that. Friends don’t feel like this about each other.

He kisses you in November.

AUGUST 2020.

The sun still shines bright late into the day, and August greets you like an old friend. You’re absentmindedly doodling in the margins of your notebook designated for Quantum Mechanics. Yangyang sits next to you in the lecture hall, making a bunch of origami cranes before tossing them at Renjun’s head right in front of him. When the bird reaches its target for the sixth time in a row, the annoyed boy whirls around in his seat, glaring at your best friend.

“Stop that,” he hisses, and Yangyang innocently raises his hands in the air. Renjun angrily frowns at him before turning back around in his seat. After a few minutes, Yangyang flicks another crane towards his friend. If this was a cartoon, you would see steam blowing out of your friend’s ears. You silently watch as he wordlessly picks up his phone, seething as he presses on a particular number.

Suddenly, Travis Scott’s SICKO MODE starts blasting, amplified by the large auditorium-like room. The professor goes silent, and everyone turns to see Yangyang scrambling to pick up his phone. He fumbles around for a few seconds with it before finally shutting it off and putting it on vibrate mode. Cheeks burning red, he meekly puts his phone back in his bag and squeaks out a “sorry” before sinking down in his chair (You can see the culprit grinning like the cat ate the canary right in front of him. Karma’s a bitch who also goes by the name of Renjun).

You pat his arm consolingly as he sulks next to you for a few minutes, mouth jutting out into a pout. You decide to take pity on him and lean closer to him, whispering quietly, “Would it make you feel better if I bought you boba after class?”

Immediately, he brightens up. “One oolong milk tea, half sugar with white pearls and coconut jelly?”

“Yes, I’ll pay for your overpriced drink,” you huff, thinking about how his one seven dollar drink could buy you a whole rotisserie chicken that’ll last you a week. At least the fluffy dog at Cloudy with a Chance of Boba is cute and fun to play with. “I’ll even get the honey waffle fries.”

“Heck yeah!” he whisper-yells, fist pumping quietly before he suddenly deflates. “Wait, I can’t. I promised Lia I’d get lunch with her.”

Ah, right, there’s Lia now. Yangyang’s new girlfriend: the only other student who went to Düsseldorf, Germany to study abroad over the summer, and inevitably, the two of them became close. All you really know about her is that she’s pretty, she’s in Iota Theta Zeta, and she followed you on Instagram a few weeks ago (of course, you followed her back because of the unspoken best friend and girlfriend policy).

Her page looks carefully curated, and there’s a common pink tinted theme going on throughout her feed. She has over a thousand followers, and it seems like Yangyang fits perfectly in her magazine curated life, judging by how he occupies nearly every picture taken in the summer with her or how he’s tagged as the photographer. You can’t deny that they look good together, pointedly shoving the green eyed monster back under the bed.

You take a peek at your messy Instagram page where you only post pictures when you’re half drunk, so there’s no semblance of uniformity anywhere. You shrug at him, pocketing your phone.

“No biggie. I’ll see if Karina is up for some boba. She’s been holed up in the dance studio already, and it’s only week two of classes, can you believe it?”

“I remember Ten was the same way,” Yangyang hums, eyes fixated on his phone and fingers tapping away. He laughs quietly, lips curling into a pretty smile, and you glance over curiously.

“What’s so funny?”

“Hmm?” Yangyang finally tears his eyes away from his screen for a split second to look at you before another buzz takes his attention away. He’s distracted, lovestruck, and you wistfully smile before turning back to your notes.

“Sorry, what’d you say earlier?” he loudly whispers a few minutes later, and you barely glance up from the large bulbasaur doodle you’re in the progress of completing right next to the chart marking the wave functions for a bouncing ball that you had copied down from the blackboard.

“Oh, I just asked what was so funny,” you murmur, coloring in the flowers you drew around the Pokémon with your blue ballpoint pen.

He looks confused for a moment before lighting up. “Oh! It was just a German joke. It’s not really funny if I translate it though.”

“Got it, no worries.” You notice the professor starting a new example problem, and you abandon your drawing, focusing on the formulas rapidly filling up the chalkboards in front of you. A quiet chuckle echoes in your ears, and you pause in your note taking to look over and see your best friend still typing on his phone. You make a mental reminder to create a copy of your notes for him later on when you pass the library on the way to the dining hall.

“Hey, Y/N.” Yangyang nudges you gently. “Rain check on the boba?”

You offer him a soft smile. “Of course. Anytime.”

He gives you a quick grin in return before his attention returns to the device in his hand—or rather, the pretty girl behind those texts. Your best friend is sitting right next to you, but you’ve never felt so far away. You know distance makes the heart grow fonder, but you don’t think it’s possible to be even fonder of him than you are now. Bad habits are hard to break, and you’ve made a terrible one of loving him. No wonder it’s beginning to hurt so much.

You lose him in August.

DECEMBER 2020.

December is the coldest month of the year, yet it is also simultaneously the warmest with all the holiday festivities it brings. If Yangyang were to choose a month to describe you, it’d be this one. You are a walking paradox, a conundrum he might never solve, an oxymoron come to life. He doesn’t understand how you can be his best friend, yet feel like a stranger; a friend who he wants as a lover; someone who has created such an impact in his life, but disappears seamlessly here and there.

He wonders when you’ve gotten so distant. He wonders why he never noticed the way you seemed to slip away through the cracks until it’s now nearing the end of the year, and the last time he’s seen you in person was before the November autumn break.

But you’re here.

You’re standing right next to the punch bowl filled with spiked eggnog, wearing a garish knitted button down jumper with brightly colored Christmas lights decorating it. It’s perfectly in theme with the Ugly Christmas Sweater party Nu Chi is holding, and Yangyang is beyond ecstatic to know that you’re attending. He had texted you an invite two weeks ago, and you merely reacted with a thumbs up.

Yangyang swears he was going to follow up with you on that, but he got so caught up with midterms, then meeting Lia’s family for Thanksgiving, then studying for finals, and then finally, preparing for this party. Buying enough beer for twenty-three keg stands is a lot more difficult than it seems (Donghyuck’s car broke down halfway during one trip, and they all had to carry back the packs of beers to the house in 40 degree weather in their Sperry boat shoes and Patagonia long sleeves that definitely weren’t cut out for this kind of weather).

His girlfriend is somewhere in the room, wearing the other half of the reindeer sweater she forced him to put on, but all he can focus on is you. He hurriedly makes his way over, skidding to a stop in front of you, and you’re startled before a smile spreads across your face.

“Hey, you, I haven’t seen you in a while.” You grin at him, reaching out to poke the reindeer tail sticking out from the front of his itchy sweater (Lia got to wear the head half of the reindeer, while he was stuck with the behind).

“Yeah, how have you been?” He reaches around you to pick up a cup and pour himself some eggnog. He offers you one, but you decline with a small shake of your head.

“I’ve been doing good, a bit tired with finals coming up, but what’s new?” You joke, grabbing one of the sugar cookies from the table. You’re secretly surprised that they actually have real food (No, Hyuck, Jell-O shots do not count as real food). You suspect Jaemin has something to do with it. He always contributes to the annual Greek row bake sale.

“Are you here with someone? Did Karina come?” he asks, curiosity coating every word. He looks around for your roommate, but she’s nowhere to be found.

You shake your head. “No, I actually came with—”

“Me!”

Yukhei bounds over, slipping an arm over your shoulder. He hands you a new cup of apple cider, which you accept gratefully. He grins happily at Yangyang, who freezes up at the sight of his tall friend. “I asked her to be my date for the party, and she agreed. She also made our sweaters! Aren’t they so cool? There’s even lights that spell my name and play Christmas songs. She did a bunch of cool programming tricks to make them work.”

Yangyang realizes with a start that the two of you are indeed wearing matching sweaters, and that leaves a rather sour taste in his mouth (and it definitely wasn’t because of expired eggnog). The corners of his lips tilt downward as he presses his lips together tightly.

“So… you two are together?” He gestures between you and Yukhei with a forced laugh. Jealousy never did look good on anybody, and unfortunately, he’s not an exception.

“We’re just seeing each other and seeing how it goes for now,” you answer quietly, noting the way your best friend reacts. You have always been good at reading him, and you tread carefully now, not wanting to make a scene. Drunk Yangyang never holds anything back, and he’s had quite a few pre-game shots already (It definitely doesn’t help that he’s a lightweight, too).

“I see. How did you guys meet? Or I guess, start talking?” He attempts to look intimidating, staring down at Yukhei, but it’s a difficult feat to accomplish, especially when he’s trying to stare down a six foot guy who’s more like an overgrown puppy and his friend.

“Oh, she came by for one of your boba runs, but you were still out with Lia. So I asked if I could go with her.” Yukhei flashes his pearly whites at you, and you chuckle, leaning your head against his shoulder.

“I said yes, and we hit it off, I guess.”

“You guess? And you took him on our boba runs?”

“You were out with Lia,” you say defensively, and he blanches when he hears his girlfriend’s name come out of your mouth.

“You could’ve waited,” he mutters, but you still hear it, and you give him a scathing look, finally too tired of this push and pull game that’s been going on behind the scenes for nearly three years now.

“I did. I waited over an hour here for you, but you didn’t show up or even text me that you were gonna be late. Yukhei was nice enough to offer to go with me.”

He stays silent, and you gnaw on your bottom lip, unsure of what to say next. Yukhei looks at you in concern, but you reach up and squeeze his hand reassuringly, which your best friend doesn’t fail to notice, his lips pressing into an even thinner line.

“I don’t understand what the deal is,” you finally burst out, startling both boys. “What’s the big deal about me and Yukhei going out?”

Something inside of him finally snaps. “The big deal is that you’re basically sleeping through my list of friends and then breaking up with them! First Dejun, then Jeno, now Yukhei? Who’s next? Should I give Renjun a heads up? Pencil you into his planner? Or Sicheng?  Sungchan? You have a class with him, so you’re bound to flirt with him, too, right? When are you gonna stop fucking around with my frien—”

He gasps, stopping mid-outburst as he stares at you in disbelief. Apple cider slides down from his hair, dripping onto his face and soaking into his sweater, the sticky juice clinging to his skin uncomfortably. You’re absolutely seething, the empty cup crackling in your clenched fist. Shocked, Yukhei carefully tugs the plastic away from you and places it on the table before replacing it with his own hand, his thumb caressing circles on the back of your hand soothingly. Yangyang doesn’t dare to meet his furious gaze, lifting his chin to look at you instead. The entire room has hushed down by now, all eyes staring directly at the three of you in a mixture of surprise and slight terror.

“Screw you, Yangyang,” you say lowly, voice shaking with anger. Tears form on the edge of your waterline, but you blink them away before hastily brushing a stray droplet from your cheek. “They asked me out. I said yes. We went out. It didn’t work out. We move on. Just like how you’ve gone out with my  friends. And they didn’t work out, so you moved on. So what’s so wrong about that? What’s so wrong about trying again to find love?”

He can’t answer you, curling his hands into fists until his fingernails indent miniature crescents in his palms—until the pain overtakes the feelings that are threatening to spill from his heart. Yangyang may not be yours, but he doesn’t like the fact that he can’t call you his either.

Love. That’s what you want, that’s what you crave, but not if it’s from him. So what is he supposed to do with love that’s unwanted? It’s bursting at the seams, and he has nowhere to hide it anymore.

He loves you in December.

AUGUST 2021.

August sneaks up on you this time around, and you find yourself in Kunhang’s apartment. All of your close friends are here, starting the last year of youth with one final first day party. You think back to that day three years ago: when your eyes met a pair of equally bright ones for the first time.

Curled up next to Yukhei on the couch, you look across the room and meet those very same eyes, although they seem hazier this time around. Lia is wrapped around his arm, and you think it’s quite ironic how both your and his relationships remain the same after all this time. Perhaps you both were bad luck for each other, leading to the other’s demise with short lived relationships. He looks away from you.

The rules of truth or dare are simple. You cannot ask the same person again until three other people have been asked first, and no one can be asked more than three times in each round. And, for reasons you can’t understand, everyone seems to take the code of truth seriously.

“I’ll start,” Kunhang announces, leaning back in one of the several beanbags he has in his place. “Goeun, truth or dare?”

Goeun sighs, leaning back on the palms of her hands. “Dare.”

“You and Mark, seven minutes in heaven.” Hendery points towards the coat closet, and the immediate reaction of hoots and wolf whistles has the girl rolling her eyes. With an exasperated huff, she stands up and pulls a red faced Mark along with her.

“Wait, you gotta pick the next person!” Donghyuck calls out, and she stops in her tracks, throwing open the closet door and shrugging. “You can choose for me.”

With that, she and Mark disappear behind the door, and Donghyuck turns toward the rest of the group, eyes glimmering mischievously. You pay no attention to him, absentmindedly playing with Yukhei’s fingers. You tug one of his rings off his finger, and he smiles, plucking it from your grasp carefully before holding your hand. He carefully slides it onto your right ring finger, but it falls off. Grinning, he pretends to try it on every single one of your fingers until finally settling on your thumb. The ring fits snugly there, and you admire it, wriggling your thumb around.

“Well, look at that. It fits you. I think that means we’re meant to be,” Yukhei says, smiling broadly, and you laugh, interlocking your fingers with his again before glancing down at the silver engraved band resting on your finger. The weight of the metal feels heavy resting against your knuckle.

“Yangyang, truth or dare.”

Donghyuck’s voice cuts through your thoughts, and you instinctively perk up in your seat at the sound of his name before freezing up in your spot. Yukhei squeezes your hand softly, and you tighten your grip around his fingers.

“Truth.”

“You’re no fun,” Donghyuck sighs, slouching back against the armrest. Yukhei leans over and whispers something in his ear before settling back next to you, shifting slightly to wrap his arm around you. Donghyuck lifts an eyebrow at your boyfriend before shrugging. “Okay, here’s an easy one. Are you in love…”

“Yes.”  is his immediate response, and you notice how Lia absolutely preens next to him.

“… with Y/N?”

Your breath hitches in your throat, and you immediately turn your head to look at Yukhei, your eyes growing wide in horror. He looks apologetic, shoulders drooping. “I’m sorry, but just the way he looks at you, it’s so obvious, and I had to know.”

You whip around to face the boy in question. With bated breath, you look at him, but Yangyang stares at the center of the floor, struggling internally. Everyone is quiet, and it reminds you of the calm before a storm. At last, he looks up, gazing right at you, and you can almost swear that you see those pretty little gold flecks in his irises from here.

“Yes,” Yangyang confesses quietly.

There’s almost a collective gasp rippling through the room, and Yukhei lets out an inaudible swear under his breath. Your grip on his hand grows slack as you fumble to get a grasp on the entire situation.

He loves you. He loves you. He loves you.

The words echo in your mind like a mantra until it grows so loud that you can’t hear any of your own thoughts anymore. Lia is in absolute hysterics, demanding an explanation from him, but he merely shrugs her off. Standing up, he quickly moves to leave the room, glancing at you one more time before disappearing out the front door.

It’s like your body is on auto-pilot after this. You drop Yukhei’s hand, immediately standing up and rushing after your best friend, paying no mind to the hushed whispers that only seem to increase in volume once you leave. You step out onto the porch, and there he is, sitting on the steps.

You quietly stand behind him, contemplating what to say and carefully choosing your next words. But there’s only one question on your mind.

“Why did you say that?”

He stays silent for a moment, staring out at the moon shining brightly ahead. “Because I meant it.”

Your heart wrenches in your chest. “You shouldn’t.”

He finally turns to look at you, an indescribable look in his eyes. It reminds you of heartbreak. “But I do. And I tried not to for the past three fucking years, but I can’t anymore.”

“Since freshman year?” You feel the tears well up in your eyes, and this time, you let them go. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

Yangyang grips onto the edge of the stairs tightly, frustration ringing with every word that falls from his mouth. “Because I was scared. And I thought you never felt the same way. You’re my best friend, and I didn’t want to lose you.”

“Yang…” You whisper, hand reaching out as you let it hover over his shoulder for a few seconds. Then, you pull back, curling your fingers into fists, pressing crescent indentations into the palms of your hands.

He stands up, whirling around to look at you, desperate. “Tell me I’m not too late. Please, Y/N.”

Something inside of you breaks. You open your mouth and start to say something when the door opens behind you. Turning around, you see Yukhei. His eyes widen when he sees the two of you standing there.

You know this is it. This is the moment. This is where you have to decide.

“I, I was just looking for you. I wanted to make sure you’re okay.” Yukhei awkwardly rubs the back of his neck, taking a step back. “I’m sorry, I’m gonna go back in and—”

“No, wait, it’s okay,” you gently interrupt him. You reach out and slip your hand into his, and he relaxes, giving you a relieved smile. You smile softly back at your boyfriend before turning to face him, eyes apologetic.

“I’m sorry, Yangyang.”

He and you are asymptotes: two lines curving towards each other, but never touching; two hands reaching towards each other, but never interlocking; two people tangling their red strings of fate, but never tying.

You give him one last glance before going back inside with Yukhei.

You break his heart in August.

SEPTEMBER 2021.

September is supposed to be a new beginning: the transition from summer to autumn. Yangyang doesn’t think he can let go of you as easily as the trees shed their green for gold and red. Wherever he goes, wherever he looks, little reminders of you bloom in every crevice. You’re absolutely everywhere and nowhere, and it drives him crazy.

He thinks he’s gone completely insane when he hears your laugh while he’s walking to the laundromat one day. He shoves his airpods in and continues on his way until he sees you. Walking across the street, there you are. You’re on the phone with someone, and he contemplates going over to say hello. But suddenly, you’re hanging up the phone and waving eagerly at someone. When he turns his head to look, his heart drops and gets buried six feet under. He hurriedly ducks into a nearby bookstore and watches as you run up to Yukhei, slipping your hand into his like it’s second nature to you now. The two of you walk off together, and Yangyang is left standing at the window of the store until the shop owner politely asks if there’s anything he needs.

He doubts a time machine is something they have in stock, so he silently shakes his head and steps out onto the street once again. It is now silent and empty.

He loses you in September.

AUGUST 2022.

A lot can change in eleven months.

You’re twenty two years old, but you feel like you’re eighteen again. You know you’re going to see him for the first time since September at Kun’s housewarming. You had repeatedly assured Yukhei that you’d be fine. After all, life goes on; the world doesn’t stop just because you had a falling out with your best friend, even if it may have been a little more than that. Nevertheless, a year has nearly passed. Time is known to be the best healer, and perhaps your heart has shed its old skin and habits.

Your hand is safely enveloped in Yukhei’s, and the two of you walk towards your older friend’s new apartment. He playfully swings your interlocked hands back and forth, and you giggle, tightening your grip around his fingers. You stop in front of the door, the muffled sounds of a party slipping through the cracks. You suck in a breath, shoulders tensed. He’s in there.

“Are you okay?”

Yukhei squeezes your hand gently, voice laced with concern. You remember to breathe, exhaling slowly and relaxing before nodding. You smile up at him. “I’m okay.”

“If you want, we can go back home now, have another NCIS marathon, and drink this by ourselves.” Yukhei waves around the nice bottle of wine the two of you had brought for Kun. “We can even stop by the convenience store and get some ramen.”

You laugh quietly, the corners of your lips upturning with mirth. “It’s okay, I’m fine, Yukhei, I promise. Plus, I have you, right?”

He brightens up at that, practically beaming at you, and your heart skips a beat. “Right!”

You reach out and knock on the door. Kun greets the two of you, and you enter his apartment. Yukhei still doesn’t let go of your hand, and you follow behind him as you weave your way through the living room, greeting some of your friends. You hear Kunhang calling out to your boyfriend from the kitchen and feel him hesitate next to you. You squeeze his hand gently before letting go and nudging him in the direction of his friend. Yukhei gives you one last look, but you wave him off, smiling goodnaturedly and silently assuring that you’re okay. He swoops down and leaves behind a soft kiss for you before going.

You walk over to the alcohol table, pouring yourself something to drink. Leaning against the wall, you take a sip of your drink, your eyes flitting over the rim of your cup and slowly scanning the room. It feels like forever, like everything is moving in slow motion, like the world is submerged underwater, but it couldn’t have been more than a few seconds.

You find him easily. After all, it’s hard to forget someone whose features you’ve memorized over the past four years. Your eyes map the delicate outline of his face once more, and for a moment, you wonder if red is still his favorite color, or who he shares a carton of Ben and Jerry’s with nowadays. You wonder if he thinks of you sometimes, too.

But then, you wonder where Yukhei is. You search around until you see your boyfriend still standing in the kitchen, laughing at something your mutual friend said. Your eyes soften when you see him grab your favorite snack. You turn back around, your heart swelling in your chest tenfold, and your lips curl upwards, an endeared expression on your face.

That’s when you notice that he’s looking at you.

You brace yourself, waiting for the tidal wave of emotions to wash over you and the quickening of your heart rate to greet you like an old friend. Because that’s what always happens when you’re around him. After all, he is the biggest what-if in your life. He is someone you almost loved forever, someone you almost stayed for.

And yet, nothing happens. You wait a little longer. The world still goes round, and you’re still breathing. There’s no shortness of breath, no erratic heart palpitations, no sweaty palms, absolutely nothing. Liu Yangyang is a stranger in a familiar body, and your heart remains still.

You give Yangyang a faint smile, nodding towards him, and it feels like a sudden jolt in his heart. Time stops, and all he can see is you. You look beautiful. You have always been beautiful. This is his chance. Whatever higher entity out there has taken pity on him and given him a second try to make it right. He finally takes a step towards you, and the tender, encouraging expression in your eyes gives him the strength to take another one. After all, the eyes are the windows to the soul. Clutching his drink in hand, he pushes his way through the crowd. He’s only eight, seven, six, five steps away from you now. A smile grows on his face as relief curls around his heart like a bandage. You’re standing there, waiting for him, smiling at him.

And suddenly, you’re no longer looking at him.

You stopped looking at him.

Yukhei makes his presence known next to you, excitedly chattering about something and gesturing towards the kitchen as he hands you something to eat. It’s a snickerdoodle cookie. Your favorite. Your eyes are fixated on the tall boy, positively sparkling as you beam at him.

Yangyang feels like he can’t breathe. The bandage is ripped off, and all he can feel is excruciating pain like a thousand pinpricks into his heart before the numbness hits. He freezes, rooting himself in that spot on the scratched hardwood floor as his colleagues and friends continue to jostle around him. As his world crumbles around him, he can’t tear his eyes away from you. They stay on you, the barest traces of nostalgia lingering in the dimmed golden flecks of his irises that you had still admired all those months ago. It’s like he’s trapped in a silent film, stuck in a fish bowl and swimming in circles, and he watches in horror as you outstretch your hand and intertwine your fingers around Yukhei’s, leaning up to press your lips against his tenderly. Your boyfriend looks at you like you hung the stars in the night sky yourself (He would believe it if you said you did).

You don’t look at him like that anymore.

Yangyang remembers when you used to. When you used to love him. When you were almost his. He feels something inside of him break for a second time.

The world continues to spin, and yet, he’s still not moving. He’s stuck in quicksand, sinking deeper and deeper as everyone around him moves on—as you move on. He desperately tries to keep you in his view, and his feet finally pick up as he lurches forward. He’s not fast enough. You’re slipping away, walking away from him, hand in hand with Yukhei, disappearing around the corner of the hallway, and he can’t do anything about it. It’s too late. He’s too late. The sticky remnants of cheap beer run down his wrist, and it finally registers in his mind that he had crushed the flimsy plastic cup in his hand sometime in between now and then. In a crowded room full of people, he’s left standing there, alone and lonely.

Almost is the worst way to love someone, Yangyang bitterly realizes. It hurts to lose someone you almost love. No, it was never an ‘almost’. He most certainly loved—loves—you. And it should be impossible to lose someone who was never his to begin with, yet he has. All this time, he thought he had you, but it had always been the other way around.

He was your August, he was your everything, and he is yours.

But you will never be his.

You let go of him in August.

[p-artsypants]

Down to the Soul (1)

In Which Hiccup is Cursed

“During a winter hiatus from the Edge, Hiccup goes off exploring the icy wastes. He finds more than he bargained for when a witch attempts to steal his soul. Now an emotionless husk, Hiccup must depend on Astrid and Gothi to delve deep within him and unlock the aspects of his personality he’d rather keep hidden. 

Meanwhile, the rest of the riders test Hiccup on how emotionless he really is.”

Ao3 | FF.net

I started writing this fic a long ass time ago. It’s the first HTTYD fic I’ve written in a while, and you know, it’s basically a character analysis fic. It’ll be great! 

Honestly, I hope you all enjoy it and if you can figure out what early 2000’s cartoon and early 2010’s video game this fic is inspired by, you’ll get a cookie.

Takes place during RTTE before official Hiccstrid.

—

Harsh Winter. The harshest part of the winter. Obviously. 

It was predicted that this Harsh Winter would be the harshest winter in over a decade, as predicted by farmers and partially by Gothi. So it was for that reason that Stoick called Hiccup and the other riders back from the Edge just before Snoggletog. Hiccup was not going to argue this decision, knowing that being home where there were plenty of rations and the safety of the Great Hall was a good idea for the impending storms. While freedom was good to stretch responsibilities, it was overrated in the face of freezing to death. So the Riders battened down the edge, making sure the native dragons had safe shelter, and returned home to Berk for the month.

Snoggletog was lovely. Gifts were given, songs were sung, and yaknog was barfed. Astrid even managed to sneak Hiccup a sweet kiss to the cheek after he gave her a dagger with a blade that flipped into the handle. Yes, it seemed that everyone was happy to be home for the time being. 

But, of course, the reason they had left Berk in the first place was to get some independence. Being back in a village, surrounded by vikings, many which they were related to, caused tensions to rise among the riders. 

“Hiccup!” 

Of which the leader was hardly able to get a break. 

“Hiccup, we need you to settle a disagreement,” said Mulch, with a crying Bucket at his side. 

Hiccup sighed. “Why can’t you ask my father?”

“We tried to, but it’s hard when he’s involved!” 

“Okay. Lay it on me.” Hiccup took a seat near the fireplace and listened. 

“Stoick’s had us breaking our backs hauling fish barrels up the hill. He says that since we’re the fishermen, it’s our job to do it!” 

“He has a point.” 

“But it’s hard work in all this snow! We need help!” 

“Did you, perchance, ask anyone if they were willing to lend a hand?” 

“No one wants to get out in the snow to help. We asked Stoick to rally people to help us, and he said that it’s our job to get help and that he can’t force people to help!” 

“So what do you want me to do?”

“Either make Stoick get help for us, or get some others to help.” 

“I’m so tired!” Cried Bucket. 

“Well, you guys know I can’t force Stoick the Vast to do anything. And it’s not really my position to tell the villagers what to do. I don’t have the authority.” 

Bucket and Mulch folded their hands together and resorted to the vilest of tactics. Begging.

“Please Hiccup? If we don’t get help, we won’t be able to refill the food supplies in time. It could hurt the village and the dragons…” 

Hiccup considered this, and as the guilt churned in his stomach. “Well, Toothless and I can help.” 

“Oh thank you! Thank you, thank you!” 

And that’s how Hiccup spent one of his so-called vacation days doing the arduous task of rolling a dozen fish barrels uphill. Thankfully Toothless did twice that, or it would have been a week long project. 

Hiccup returned home in a foul mood and a frozen leg. 

“There you are, Lad. Haven’t seen you all day! Get stuck waiting for a storm to pass?”

“No,” he groaned, falling into a chair. “Toothless and I were helping Bucket and Mulch move their fish barrels.” 

“What?!” Shouted Stoick, with real fury in his eyes. 

This startled Hiccup. “Uh…they said they asked you for help and you said you couldn’t force anyone to help them—“ 

“That is not what happened!” 

Hiccup winced at the shout. 

“Sorry son, I’m not mad at you. Not at all! I’m pissed with them! What did those lazy knuckleheads say that got you to help?” 

“Um, they said that they were overwhelmed and needed help…for the sake of the village and dragons.” 

“I knew it! I knew it, Hiccup! They played you like a fiddle! Rode on your emotions! Cut right to the heart! The reason why no one is helping them is because they made the mess in the first place.” 

“They made a mess? I thought they were…” 

“Didn’t you find it odd that you were bringing the barrels up from the docks instead of over from the store room?” 

“Huh. I didn’t really think about it…” 

“We all worked together and brought the barrels from the store room over to the Great Hall. Bucket and Mulch were supposed to secure them with a net so they wouldn’t get knocked over in a huge gust of wind. They decided to not follow my instructions and the barrels were not only knocked over, but rolled down the hill and into the sea. They then had to go out and retrieve them and put them back. Thankfully the water was frozen over so they didn’t float away.” 

Hiccup closed his eyes in resignation. He had been played indeed. 

“I should have told you, but I didn’t think you’d care. Looks like you actually cared too much.” 

“I just felt guilty.” 

“Aye. But sometimes a Chief has to put his emotions on a shelf to get things done. And that’s an arduous task.” 

“Harder than pushing a dozen barrels up a hill?” 

“Can be. Depending on the emotion. But, this was a learning experience. Take it as a gift.” 

“Yeah, builds character and muscle, right?” 

“Mostly muscle.” 

—

There were still a few weeks left of their quarantine. The blizzards had only continued, making flying a difficult, if not impossible, activity. 

But Hiccup, being the person he was, couldn’t sit by restlessly. Even the coldest days couldn’t dissuade his penchant for adventure. Cabin fever set in, and he was aching to ride. And so, one morning, he let his father know that he was going out exploring for the day. Stoick wanted to protest, but after seeing that look of wanderlust in his eyes, he knew it was fruitless and let his heir go.

Hiccup asked the other riders to see if they were up for exploring in the white landscape with him. 

The answer was a unanimous ‘hell no’.

And a ‘please be safe’ from Astrid. 

So off Hiccup went on his own, for once not having to babysit his teammates. It was just like old times. Just a boy and his dragon. 

The North wasn’t often a direction traveled in the winter, especially since dangers were often found there. But Hiccup didn’t mind. He bundled up in furs from head to toe, ready to brave whatever was to come. 

For a while, it was just ice. The islands were fairly barren and devoid of life in this miserable climate. But Hiccup pressed on, just content to ride with his best friend. 

Toothless grumbled. 

“What’s wrong, bud?” 

The dragon spotted an island down below, hidden within the ice and drifting snow, and prepared to land. 

“Oh, you want to stop there?” Hiccup adjusted the tail, following Toothless’ lead. 

Upon landing, Hiccup slid off of the dragon’s back and into the snow. Immediately, Toothless bounded over to a tree and lifted his leg. 

“Oh I see,” Hiccup said with a snort. “I thought I told you to go before we left!” 

Toothless merely grumbled and shifted behind the tree. 

“Fine fine, take your time.” He waved him off. 

Looking around, Hiccup couldn’t remember which island this was. It wasn’t very big, certainly not big enough for any dragons to inhabit. It was rather light on trees too. He wondered if it was mostly rocky in the summer.  

“I’m going to take a look around,” Hiccup called to his companion as he wandered off. 

The island, or rather islet, was divided by a narrow gorge, nearly right through the middle, east to west. It was dark at the bottom, and was impossible to gauge how deep. The wind whistled along the crack, making the depth howl with deep notes. Hiccup followed it, walking along the edge until he found a point safe enough to cross. 

Carefully, he stretched across the divide to reach the other side, but his leg slipped on the icy rock and he fell down the crack with a shout. He tumbled down a slope and landed at the bottom on his back. “Ow, gods dammit.” 

He sat up, rubbing his head. There’d be a bump there tomorrow. Surveying the slope he fell down, he found it too steep to climb back up. “Toothless! Toothless!” He called. 

There was no reply. 

Well, he’d have to find another way up. The gorge was long, and perhaps had a less steep slope further down. So he started his walk, going deeper and deeper into the caves.

“How did I miss this?” He said aloud, studying the particular landscape. The rocky cliffs were dotted with large geodes and crystals, huge, sharp and colorful. The faint light from above reflected in the crystals, sending little fragments of color all over the walls and floor. 

“Wow…this is beautiful…” 

Suddenly, he was grabbed from behind, as a hand clapped over his mouth. He fought against the hands but to no avail. His captor dragged him through a crack in the wall, into the island itself, through the caves, further and further into darkness. Finally, they reached an open room. A grotto with a waterfall on one side, now frozen completely in winter. Once brought in, he could see the room was alight with candles. A circle was drawn on the floor with red paint and inscriptions decorated the outside. 

Hiccup trembled at the sight, this was something evil. Something spoken of very rarely, and only of a warning as a sign to run. Pagan magic of the most ancient, but most cruel and forbidden. 

“You have arrived,” A woman said. She looked ancient, older than Gothi. And she pointed at him with a crooked finger. “I knew you’d come here. I saw it myself. This place would be where you’d be separated from those who would protect you. All alone, for the first time in years. And so I will have you for myself.” 

Hiccup fought, throwing himself backwards at the person holding him, but they didn’t budge. A rope wrapped around his wrists painfully, as a cloth substituted the hand on his mouth. 

He was turned around, and a knife shredded his coat and shirts, exposing his chest. The person who was holding him was a man, a viking, who was pale and emotionless, his eyes gray. Craning his head around, Hiccup could see others around him in the same state. All emotionless. All watching. No mercy, no fear, no excitement.

Empty.

“I will add you to my collection. You…with the most radiant soul I’ve beheld. Half viking chief, half dragon…” 

Hiccup’s eyes widened as she approached him with a little pot with red liquid. She dipped her finger in, and drew a sigil over his heart. 

“I’ll have that soul,” then she beckoned the man to bring Hiccup forward to the circle. All the while, he struggled, yelling through the cloth. 

The woman began chanting in a foreign tongue, each word sending shivers up his spine. 

He was tied down to stakes secured to the floor. He now lay in the center of the circle, heat radiating off of the stone that should have been cold. 

The evil woman held up a black crystal, one that would shine purple in the light. 

She kept chanting and a little spark appeared on his chest, right over the sigil, and Hiccup began to feel faint. 

A blue wisp, like smoke, rose from his body and curled its way into the crystal, making it glow very faintly. 

The woman chanted louder, her voice echoing with triumph as, what was assumably, his soul left him.  

But as the soul still emerged, a roar cut through the cave as the crystals exploded in a shower of blue light. 

“MMHHMMM!!!” Hiccup called with all his strength. 

The Nightfury swept into the scene and knocked the woman and her helpers down. He bit through the ropes that bound Hiccup and roared at him to board.

Hiccup stumbled forward, kicking the crystal away from the vile woman. “Grab that!” He commanded Toothless.

Toothless snatched the stone in his mouth as Hiccup clambered into his saddle. 

“No! No my soul! My beautiful soul! You ruined it! Now neither of us will have it! No no no!”

Hiccup didn’t have the time to consider, or even care about her inane ramblings. He clicked his foot into place, and they ran. 

Toothless easily scrambled up the side of the gorge, and then they were in the air. 

Hiccup swore he could still hear the woman’s anguished cries. 

When his heart slowed down from the adrenaline rush, he felt numb and tired. Neither scared nor relieved. Just a dullness that made him feel sleepy. 

“Still got that crystal, bud?” Hiccup leaned forward. 

Toothless pushed the crystal into his hand with his tongue. 

It was dripping with slobber, and yet Hiccup felt no disgust towards it. Really, he felt nothing as he looked at the rock, but something in his mind was yelling at him to hang onto it. 

What he did feel, however, was very cold, since his shirt had been ripped and his skin was exposed. 

“Let’s get to warmth quickly, okay Toothless?” 

Toothless warbled in agreement, and they hurried back to Berk. 

When they landed at the Great Hall, Hiccup went inside quickly and sought out the fireplace. 

“Yo Hiccup!” Called Snotlout from a nearby table. It looked like he, the twins, and Fishlegs were playing cards. “How was it in the blizzard?” He laughed. 

“Cold,” said Hiccup flatly. “I think I was almost enslaved by a pagan witch, but I’m not sure. Toothless saved me.” 

The complete nonchalance had the twins in stitches. “Good one Hic! So nothing to report really, huh?” 

“What do you mean? I’m dead serious.” He turned and showed the painted mark on his chest. 

“Whoa!” Said Fishlegs, standing from the table. “Are you okay?” 

“I hit my head when I fell down a gorge. I think I may have a goose egg. It’s a little tender.” 

“But didn’t she like…curse you?” He wiggled his fingers. 

“I don’t know. I think she might have trapped part of my soul in a crystal.” He walked over to the table and showed the rock to his friends. “See? It’s kind of glowing. But it wasn’t before she did this weird ritual.” 

“You’re awfully calm about this…” said Snotlout with skepticism. 

Hiccup screwed up his lip, considering. “Hmm. I suppose you’re right. I probably should be more concerned.” 

“Hiccup!” Astrid burst open the door to the great hall, snow trailing in behind her. “You’re back!” 

“Hello Astrid. Yes, I arrived back a short time ago. I’ve been warming up.” 

“Okay, what happened?” She set upon inspecting him. “Oh my gods is that blood?” 

“No. Just paint. I think. Well maybe. It might be blood. Not my blood.” 

“Apparently, our dear Hiccup was almost enslaved by a pagan witch,” provided Tuffnut. “Show her your rock, Hic.” 

Hiccup held out the crystal to Astrid. “It was black, and then she did a ritual and this blue stuff came out of me and went into this crystal. Then Toothless saved me.” 

“Blue stuff? What inside of you is blue?” 

“She said she wanted my soul. So I guess it’s that.” 

Astrid held the crystal delicately after he said that. The potential that she was holding Hiccup’s very soul in her hands… “shouldn’t we take you to Gothi’s?” 

“Why? I’m not in any pain.” 

“But…you’re acting weird.” 

“How so?” 

“Flat. Dull. It kind of feels like I’m talking to a brick wall.” 

“Hmm. I don’t know. I am tired. Maybe after a nap I’ll feel better.” 

“And if not, we’re going to Gothi’s okay?” 

Hiccup stared at Astrid, suddenly struck by the realization that he couldn’t read her. He was usually so perceptive and pretty empathetic to humans and dragons. But right now, he was at a loss. She was somewhere between sad and angry. Or maybe afraid. Not happy at least. 

This should be a cause for alarm, but it wasn’t. He even knew that he should be feeling panicked, but he was calm. Neutral. 

“Yeah, maybe after the nap. I’ll let you know if there’s any change.” Without much of a goodbye, Hiccup called for Toothless and they wandered back into the snow. 

“He’s a zombie,” Snotlout stated. 

“Yeah, major weirdo,” agreed Tuff. “Normally he’s all goo-goo eyes when Astrid walks into a room but today it was like he was looking at a stranger.” 

Astrid blushed despite the knot in her chest. Tuff was right, though she hadn’t noticed before. There was a light missing from Hiccup’s eyes and she intended to get it back. 

—

When Hiccup awoke three hours later, he felt worse. No, that’s not quite right. He felt less. 

Was the world always this gray? 

Hungry, he got up from the bed and climbed downstairs. There, Toothless was sitting with his father.

“Evening lad,” Stoick greeted without looking up. “The kids said you were napping and that you got in a fight with a witch?” 

“Yes. That’s right. She wanted my soul, or something. I’m not sure.” 

“Well, you’re home safe and that—“ Stoick halted as he looked up. 

Hiccup was so pale, so ashen gray, he looked like a corpse. His eyes were dull, and face blank. 

“Son?” 

“Yeah?” There was no inflection in his words. 

“How do you feel?” 

“Hungry.” 

“Well, I have some soup on, it’s not ready yet. But besides that. You look awful.” 

Hiccup shrugged, “I feel fine.” 

There it was again. His father was looking at him with an emotion he couldn’t grasp. Somewhere between sadness and anger. Perhaps both? Smad. Sangry? 

“How do you feel?” Hiccup had to ask, because he couldn’t tell. 

“I’m concerned. You look really sick. What did you say happened with this witch?”

Hiccup went back upstairs and grabbed the black crystal that he had left on his bedside. It looked to be glowing brighter now, if that was possible. He gave it to Stoick, who stared with concern. “It happened rather fast. I think she had some sort of future sight. She said the island I was on would be the first time I’d be alone in years. Toothless was peeing, and I journeyed away from him to explore. I fell down a gorge, and she was waiting there. She said she wanted my soul, because it was radiant. So she marked me with this paint,” he gestured to his chest that he hadn’t wiped off yet. He didn’t really care about it. “Then she took me to this circle with weird markings and chantings…then she held up this crystal and a bunch of blue stuff came out of me and went into it. I don’t think she took my whole soul, because Toothless saved me.” 

Stoick stared at him, his jaw dropped. “Son…” 

“But I feel fine,” Hiccup repeated. “So, nothing to do about it.” 

“Define fine,” Stoick demanded.

Hiccup paused to consider. “Gray, is the best way to describe it. I don’t really feel anything. I can feel cold, hot, hungry, and tired…but that’s all. At least right now. Maybe it will get better.” 

“I’m taking you to see Gothi!” Stoick wrapped an arm around him and tried to corral him out the door. 

“Why? Isn’t this a good thing? Viking’s shouldn’t let their emotions interfere with their decisions.” 

“Aye lad, but sometimes emotions are more than just a distraction. They make us human. You don’t want to lose that, do you?” 

Hiccup was quiet for a while, too long for Stoick’s taste. Then he said, “I don’t mind never being sad or angry or scared.” 

“But never being happy? Never being in love?” 

“If memory serves me correctly, being in love and not in loved in return was also not a good feeling.” 

“Why are you focusing on all the bad feelings, son? Didn’t you once tell me that flying on the back of a dragon at sunset was the best feeling ever? Won’t you miss that?” 

“I…I guess so.” 

“You guess?” 

“I can’t feel melancholy or regret right now either.” 

“But you remember what it feels like to do those things, right?” 

“Yes, but I can’t say I miss it. I don’t feel that emotion of missing something.” 

“Alright,” said Stoick, raising his hands defensively. “Appealing to your missing emotions isn’t going to work. But you know something is wrong, right? There is something wrong with you and the rest of us want to fix it.”

“Why?”

“Why?! Hiccup, son, we love you! That doesn’t stop because you don’t love us anymore!”

“I love…you guys…” he said it stiltedly, like he wasn’t quite sure if it was true. 

There was a knock at the door before Astrid and Gobber came in. 

“Oh good! You’re awake! I couldn’t wait around anymore–Oh my god, Hiccup! You look horrible!” Astrid cried.

“Like a corpse,” added Gobber.  

“See?” Said Stoick. “We love you and we’re worried about you. You should take that as a cue that something is wrong and should be fixed!” 

“He’s not any better?” Astrid asked with dismay. 

“He can’t feel anything.” 

“Oh Hiccup…” she pouted, heart aching for him. 

“Why are you upset? I’m not sad.” 

She reached for him and took his hand. “Hiccup, it’s not that I don’t want you to be sad or angry. I want you to be happy. So so happy! I want to see you get excited when you see a new dragon or passionate when you have an invention or a plan. If you stay like this, what drive will you have? Do you have any desires?” 

“Hmm. When you say it like that, it makes sense. I know, morally, I have to do the right things for the tribe and the dragons, but if it brings me no emotion…I get no joy from it or guilt from avoiding it. What would be the point?” 

“I think never feeling happiness again would make for a really miserable existence. You gotta take the good with the bad, lad.” 

“Okay. You have all convinced me. Take me to Gothi.” 

—

Up on the hill, the group met with the old medicine woman and told her the story. Hiccup recounted the whole ordeal, from landing on the island to waking up from his nap. The whole time, everyone just listened. 

Hiccup, normally, was a very good story teller. He picked up on details that others missed. He put real emotion into his words and made everyone believe the things he was saying. 

This story was flat, sterile, and clinical. Borderline boring. 

Gothi listened intensely, her eyebrows furrowing deeper with each word. 

Finally, Hiccup handed her the crystal that held his soul. This gave her the most grave look of them all. 

“Yikes lad. Haven’t seen Gothi look this frightened in a while.” 

“Can this not be fixed then?” Hiccup asked her. 

Gothi set the crystal on her potions table and began to scribble in the dirt with her staff. Gobber stood beside her and read over her shoulder. 

“She says ‘that woman soul-trapped you. An ancient ritual that removes the soul from the body so the body becomes a mindless puppet’.” 

“Okay. But she wanted my soul more than my body.” 

“‘Souls can be used in magic for a variety of different things. The more powerful the soul, the more powerful the spell. And Hiccup does have a very powerful soul.’ Well, now we know the why, but do we know how to reverse it?” 

Gothi examined Hiccup’s face closer, staring into his glassy eyes. She then demanded he stare at Toothless. 

“She wants to know what you feel when you look at him.” 

“Hmm…Toothless is my best friend,” he stated matter-of-factly. 

“Not what you know, what you feel.” 

Hiccup knew that he was supposed to love Toothless, but at this moment, he felt…”nothing.” 

Toothless let out a sad whine. 

“Now look at Astrid.” 

Hiccup did as he was told and looked at her. 

“What do you feel, lad?” 

Hiccup watched as Astrid blushed slightly under his stare. He tried to put away all the normal things he knew about her and focus on what he felt looking at her. 

“I seem to be slightly aroused. But that’s all.” 

Astrid looked mortified and halfway near tears. 

“Keep looking at her, lad. Stare until you feel something.” 

The longer he stared blankly at her, the worse she felt. It would be different if he was looking at her with anger or even disgust, but this look…it was like he was looking at a stranger. Like Tuff had said. 

She couldn’t help it. A tear slid down her cheek, but she briskly wiped it away. 

“Why are you sad?” He asked. 

“You’re looking at me like I’m a stranger!” 

“You aren’t. You’re my friend. I trust you.” 

“Can you smile for me?” 

He did. But it looked so fake. 

“I hate this! Fix him Gothi!” Cried Astrid.

“We might as well get on with it. Staring at her isn’t doing anything but making her sad. And I know that making people sad is bad, at least.” 

Gothi nodded and scribbled in the dirt her plan. 

“She says she’s going to make a potion. It will contain the remnants of his soul. The person that drinks it will fall asleep, and in their own mind, they will be able to explore and awaken the parts of Hiccup’s soul that are dormant. That sounds like a tall order to me.” 

“Who’s going to drink the potion?” Asked Stoick.

It seemed that Gothi was not looking for volunteers as she pointed at Astrid. 

“Me?” 

“Well, besides Toothless, you really know the lad best. And as smart as Toothless is, I don’t think he quite understands what’s happening,” Gobber explained. 

“Okay, I’ll do it! But wait…if his soul is going into my body, how will it get back to him?” 

Gothi made a suggestive hand gesture and Stoick and Gobber laughed.

“Makes sense,” said Hiccup.

“Have you no shame!?” Astrid shrieked, red faced. 

“Not currently, no.” 

Gothi scribbled further explanation. “‘His soul will return with prolonged contact. Skin-to-skin, hand holding, kisses, hugs. Whatever is comfortable.’” 

Astrid let out a sigh of relief. She did love him, but since they’ve barely kissed, sex felt like a huge jump. 

Though, taking his soul into her body was pretty significant in itself. 

Gothi went over to her table and began mixing liquids and minerals in a glass jar. She then put the crystal inside and put the lid on. She continued, “‘the soul tea will need to steep for 12 hours. Come back at dawn.’ Soul tea?” 

She held up the jar where the liquid inside was just very faintly beginning to glow the same color as the crystal. 

“Oh, I get it,” said Astrid. “Like regular tea with a tea bag.” 

“‘I will explain the rest of the process in the morning when you return. For now, go away.’”

[rrazor]

hq boys as non-sexual things that feel sensual

tags: mildly suggestive content (mostly pining)

bokuto: certain phrases are very sexually charged; “make me,” or “what are you gonna do about it” lunch time!! bokuto comes back from the cafeteria with his pork-cutlet sandwich to see you engaged in a card game with three other people. He sees that everyone’s bet something and you bet a strawberry danish you bought this morning and bokuto’s eyes go 🤩 he forces himself in LMFAO and makes sure to sit next to you 🥰❤️ in the end, it’s only you and him left (konoha and komi come over from their classes to see what all the fuss is about and they’re like …..how is bokuto doing so well 😶)

but you win and steal his sandwich on the desk 😈 he tries to defame you for cheating lol but all you do is look at him coyly like “and what are you gonna do about it, bokuto-kun? 😇” and suddenly his tongue feels heavy and his cheeks flush and he’s all 🥺👉👈 he asks you for the bread back because its his only lunch 😭💀 but he ends up winning sm more because you offer to share your bento with him and his heart goes 🥰💖💞

akaashi: sitting next to someone and your shoulders/thighs touch it’s the sports festival!! and it’s lunch break. he spots you sitting on a bench and he starts sweating at the idea of sitting next to you but he wants to be near you somewhat because then MAYBE you’ll talk to him??!? hopefully 🥺💔

he swallows his nerves and sits on the bench too but on the other side with a huge gap between you and your friend. he pulls out his phone to look “busy” LMFAO then, more of your friends come over and suddenly, you’re snug against him, your BARE THIGH touching his because you’re both in shorts and akaashi thinks he gonna pass out with the bashful apology you give him 😵 he thanks every deity he can think of that your friends came over and STAY because your leg is still touching his and he’s holding a conversation with you 😭🥺🥳💕💖❤️😍

konoha: having someone use your keyboard standing up while you’re sitting in front of it you’re in one of the school’s computer labs working on a research essay. akinori sits next to your station, having worked up the courage earlier to ask you if you could help him with his. he sneaks glances at you at the printers as you refill the trays with more paper 👀 he blushes even though you aren’t even doing anything to him 😭😔💔

before he can stop himself, he calls your name lmfao 🗣 but manages to save himself from utter embarrassment by asking you to look over one of his passages. coming over, you lean over him, hands on his keyboard as he leans back. his eyes are wide and cheeks ruddy as he tries so hard to keep cool because you’re so close 😍🥺💕 and god does he hope what he wrote was coherent because he thinks he’d d-word if you said it made no sense 😓😵

kuroo: when you’re sitting next to someone and they lean over and reach across you to grab something another day, another group project. kuroo gets added to a group with you and another guy because he was absent for volleyball. the two of you push your desks next to him and he’s fist pumping internally because you’re sitting next to HIM and not the other guy and he gets to act as the barrier AHAHAH 😇🥳😛

you’re working together when you ask one of your friends to pass over the notes she took from you. she’s sitting in front of kuroo, but diagonally to the right so she leans back and you lean forward to grab the papers. your arm accidentally brushes his chest and kuroo short circuits 😶 you’re SO CLOSE and your body is nearly laid over his entire desk and if he moves his hands up he could probably touch your chest HJAKHSDLKASD 👁👄👁 the guy next to him looks at him all 😐 as kuroo goes INSANE 🤯

kita: hugging from behind he’s home alone, studying in the living room for his university exams. you’re in the kitchen with his grandma helping her with tonight’s dinner. he smiles softly to himself hearing the two of you laugh 😊🥰💞

he’s halfway through a derivatives question when you hug him from behind, arms coming around him as you rest your head on his shoulder blades 🥺💘 when you softly tell him dinner is almost ready, his chest warms and a soft smile appears on his face ❤️💖

atsumu: the guys strapping you in on a roller coaster. are we gonna kiss? why are you giving me that eye contact? inarizaki’s vbc get together to go to the local amusement park!! they get in and the first thing the twins want to do is ride all of the roller coasters so after a ridiculously long line up, atsumu’s sitting next to osamu, waiting for an attendant to come buckle them in, when you suddenly come up in your cute uniform and hair tied up and atsumu’s like SHIT ITS YOU 😳 also damn y didn’t you tell him you worked here he could have gotten discounted tickets smh 🥴😒

anyways you come up to them to buckle them up with him first and he doesn’t really notice anything but you buckle the first strap really tight and he’s like “does it need to be so tight 😘” and you tell him, making eye contact, using your best customer service voice (vocal bottoming but at least you get paid) and with a pretty smile on your face that doesn’t reach your eyes, “yes, unless you want to die. and if you do, don’t do it on this ride because my shift ends in ten minutes and i don’t want to stay here to write a report about a dumbass who ko’d on a roller coaster 🥰” and he BLUSHES oop— 👁👅👁

osamu: having your back scratched you sit next to each other in class and it’s self study time and you’re helping him with the english homework that was assigned when his back starts feeling itchy. he rolls and moves his shoulders to try to alleviate it, but it just isn’t working so he brings a hand back to scratch at it, but he’s not flexible enough to reach it 😔 you ask him what’s wrong and he puts his arm down like he got burned because he doesn’t want to be seen doing something weird in front of you or making a weird face so he just says nothing but you raise a brow and go “are you itchy?” and he nods JAJCKKAD

you bring your arm up to where he was just scratching, “here?” a shake of his head, “no, a little to the right.” AND YOU SCRATCH RIGHT AT IT!!!!! he can feel his shoulders slump as he closes his eyes and groans a little WHOOP he’s SUPER EMBARRASSED but you just laugh it off and scratch him some more before going back to work and he looks at you like 🥺💖 why’d you stop?? even though you’re not even looking at him LOL 😞 touches his back that night in the shower like your hands were so small 😯😍😳 and maybe he should be itchy more often but it also quickly turns to she better not be touchy feely with anyone else 😒

suna: someone writing on your arm he’s forced to take this one evening class this semester because it’s not offered the next one and he needs to take it because it’s a prereq for almost every other course ugh but at least the cute girl who sits next to him lets him copy her notes LMFAO 😭💀 he left all his belongings in the gym’s lockers because he was going to go back anyways for practice so when the professor gives out a code for a free trial of the software they have to use for the homework assignment due in a week, he’s like shit; he left his phone in his bag 🤡💔

you offer to write it down on his arm, grabbing a pen from your pencil case. he nods like sure why not so you take his arm and push the sleeve of his hoodie up and start writing and he just stares at you 👀 your writing is cute and he kinda likes the feel of your hands on him 🤧 class ends and you part ways with a wave. It’s not until he’s reached the gym that he realized you could have just messaged the code to him on facebook 🤨 so he pushes his sleeve up and sees your phone number on his arm under the code 😘 aren’t you smooth!!! 😌

iwaizumi: when someone is putting the car in reverse and they put their hand on the back of your seat iwaizumi been interested in you for a while, and ever since he came to the revelation he finds it really hard to talk to you because he’s afraid of coming off too aggressive or you figuring it out 😔💔 good thing kindaichi reveals that you’re his older cousin and that you’ll be driving some of them to their next practice match because the volleyball team’s bus is out for a checkup!! 😍😘 oikawa, matsukawa and hanamaki all force him to sit shotgun as you drive (even kunimi and yahaba get in on it). iwaizumi grumbles about it and all but he’s secretly super happy he gets to be right next to you omg 👀😭 he takes a bunch of glances around the interior of your (parents’) car and sits a little straighter than he usually would.

he can feel the stares on the back of his head from the other third years egging him on to make a move and just when he works up the nerve to say something to you, you put the car in reverse to back out the parking spot and put your hand on the back of his seat 😳😤 iwaizumi thinks you look so cool AND HOT he clams up and just stares at you with his jaw slightly open 👁👄👁 💕pls save him 🤧

matsukawa: when a girl puts her hand up to yours and remarks on how yours is so much bigger you got randomly paired up with each other to do a presentation for your world history class and so you’re sitting next to each other on a saturday afternoon at the public library doing research together. matsukawa spent more time than he would like thinking about what to wear because he doesn’t want you to think that his fashion sense was as grotesque as the school’s khaki pants 😷🤢 (when you complimented him nonchalantly about how he looks a million times better in casual clothes compared to the school uniform and joking said that he should start a petition to get rid of the school’s ugly khaki plaid pants and skirts and use a photo of what he was wearing today as the main piece of evidence, he almost doubles over 💀)

you’re sitting next to each other and he’s still kinda reeling from the previous interaction ahjdalhd but he does his best to pull his weight. he’s taking notes in a notebook and you look over and comment out of the blue that his hands are really big as you look at yours 🤧👀 he blinks and looks at you like “yeah?” and you nod, putting your hand up and he does it too because he thinks he’s having a fever dream at this point, but not even in his wildest dream did he’’d ever think you’d push your palm against his and say “your hand is so big! 😳” he has to excuse himself to go to the washroom to scream 😘🥰❤️

hanamaki: when you’re sitting next to someone on public transport and the centrifugal force from the vehicle firmly mooshes the two of you together hanamaki pines for you silently and you can’t really tell he likes you because he’s pretty decent at keeping his emotions hidden. or maybe you’re just so busy with your senior year you don’t notice anything that isn’t the impending doom of university applications and keeping your grades up 😤😇 anyways the two of you get on and off at the same stop each day (which he secretly thanks god for 😭) and you’re sitting next to each other and hanamaki thinks he’s gonna combust because you’ve never been this close!! 🥺🥰

he can feel his hands getting sweaty already. hanamaki sneaks glances at you and tries to see what you’re doing on your phone LMFAO suddenly, the train lurches a bit and you slide from the inertia right into his side and then he can feel the warmth coming from your thighs, side and your shoulder are touching holy sh— 😭❤️😵👀💖 you look up to apologize as he takes a breath and you’re a little shy in your apology but he takes that chance to ask you about something mundane and he makes you laugh!!!! he thinks about the interaction for the next two weeks because he finally got to talk to you dhaskld ☺️🥺💕

kyoutani: when anyone raises their arms to stretch and their shirt gets lifted up slightly gym class—you’re doing timed runs today!! kyoutani is already finished with his so he’s just sitting off the side of the track, staring not-so-subtly at you but you don’t notice because it’s your turn next!! you’ve got the typical school mandated shorts and plain t-shirt on but kyou is all 👀 at your tastefully exposed skin. he thinks you look pretty with the sun hitting your face as you give a smile to your friend, squinting at the sun light 🥰

he’s just mindlessly staring at this point but then you raise your arms to stretch your triceps and the hem of your shirt rises up a little to expose the tiniest sliver of skin before it’s covered again 👁👁 his cheeks pink a little and you catch him looking LMFAO but you don’t think anything of it and just smile and wave as kyoutani burns bright red, heart battering against his ribs and looks away 😡🤡🥰💕 he saves it for future reference HURDURDUR 😇😛

ushijima: when a woman does that thing where she tucks her hair behind her ear while making direct eye contact ushijima is INTERESTED in you, likes you, is intrigued, would like to hold your hand and rub the back of your hand and feel the soft skin with his thumb—same thing 🥰 you’re talking to him about something for the cultural festival and he’s nodding along to what you’re saying because you’re so brilliant and responsible for working on the school festival committee wOW 🤩

time seems to move in slow motion as you look up him whilst tucking a piece of hair behind your ear. he zones in on the shy smile on your face, your cute cheeks, glossy lips and pretty eyes 🥺🥰 “ushijima-san?” “yes?” “what do you think?” “that’s a great idea, I will ask my team members for their input as well.” you nod exuberantly even though he has no idea what you’re talking about but your cute smile makes him all mushy on the inside 💖💕

semi: making eye contact with another customer at the grocery store around the same age it’s 2:11pm on a tuesday and semi’s at the grocery store because it’s summer and his mom was all “go to the store and buy these shimeji mushrooms for me, eita, they’re on sale!!! but only until 3pm so get skedaddling!” 😩 so he’s here and he swears housewives are the most powerful people on the planet because he thought he was gonna d-word just tryna get his discount mushrooms. he spots you in the condiments aisle looking at sesame oil and he gives you the up, down and lingers a little too long on your exposed legs 💀

he thinks you look really cute in your t-shirt and jean shorts though 🥰 when you look up and make eye contact with him and give him a little smile and wave he BLUSHES 🥺 and is right about to take the chance to talk to you but a granny hip checks him trying to get to the soybean paste and he almost trips and lands on his face 😔💔 so much for looking cool in front of you 😢🥺

tendou: having someone else play with your hair satori sees you on cleaning duty carrying the recycling to the bins as he finishes his runs around the school, about to make a turn to the gyms. he makes a beeline for you, calling your name with a bright smile on his face and waving his arms in the air. 🥰💞🥺

he bounds up to you and offers to help even though the bin is really light, cheeks warming at your smile 😊 when he takes the bin out of your hands , you wave your hand to get him to bend down. he complies, eyes widening when he feels your hand in his hair. he straightens up to see you holding onto a couple pieces of cherry blossom petals 🌸 he laughs bashfully; it feels like time has slowed and you’re the only two people in the world 💖💕

sakusa: if you’re on a pc/laptop, somebody leaning over your shoulder to look at the screen with you. the close proximity of your faces can feel awkwardly sexual you’re in the same kinesiology class and sakusa first noticed how GOOD your presentations are wtf and he’s even more impressed when he hears that you winged the whole thing because “i conveniently forgot about this until one in the morning when I decided it was a good time to reorganize your entire dorm room” ALSO you offered him hand cream the one time you caught him staring and against all reason he said yes and ever since he’s been dying to ask you where you got it from because HOLY was it nice 😍

you get paired up for the final pair presentation and he’s only become more interested in you! you’re easy to talk to and don’t pry too much and he finds himself oversharing at times 💀 the professor gives the class part of the lecture time to work on the projects so you’re sitting next to each other working when he asks you a question about the academic article he just found and you lean over his shoulder to look at his screen 👁👁 for anyone else, the close proximity of your faces would have grossed him out but he can’t stop thinking about how good you smell and how cute your ears look 👀🥰 when you tell him he’s found a really good source with an excited smile on your face, he BLUSHES and promptly wants to pass away because he has no mask on to cover him 🤡😭😵

sachiro: when you have a melting popsicle, there often comes a time where you must choose between eating it too quickly, or sucking it off so it doesn’t drip on you sachiro hums happily, holding your hand as the two of you walk home after your date and stopping at the convenience store where he buys the two of you popsicle sticks 😋

you’re talking about something funny you saw hoshiumi do in the class the other day when your popsicle drips onto you. you kitten lick at your hand and take the whole thing in your mouth to get rid of the more liquidy parts of your ice cream and sachiro is all 👁👄👁 he swallows thickly, cheeks warming and heart beating a little faster; why’s he suddenly so thirsty? 🥵💦🙈

gao: getting a strong whiff of somebody’s perfume when they pass you gao really wants to talk to you, like really really wants to talk to you 😖😭🙏 but you’re talking to your friends about something and the cute way you laughs and joke with them has him all 🥺🥰🤩

he’s about to walk up and join the conversation because let’s face it, gao isn’t afraid of much 🤧💀 too bad the teacher calls you back into the classroom about something. when you pass him, he gets a good whiff of your shampoo and his stomach flutters 😍😊🥺💕💖 follows you with sparkly eyes and wishes he made the choice to talk to you sooner 💔

futakuchi: bending over to pick up something you dropped kenji is watching (glaring) as you talk to one of the baseball team’s starting players 🤐 he’s so ticked but he doesn’t admit it like where does this guy get off making you laugh and smile like that wtf 😒🙄 luckily for kenji, the guy gets pulled away by the class rep for something so kenji calls your name to get you to look at him instead 😤

you come over and just as he’s about to stand up from his desk, he knocks over his eraser. you crouch down to pick it up and he finds himself really liking it 👁👁 he doesn’t get it either 🤡 like you aren’t bending and snapping—just folding your knees to get his eraser for him, but the way you tucked your hair behind your ear before you bent down so prettily has him ☺️😉🥵

terushima: when you’re eating and chatting with someone and they lick their lips yuuji pulled you away from your friends when it was time for lunch, wanting to spend more time with you one on one. he was so busy with volleyball and school lately 😞 and when he managed to get you to tell him how lonely you felt without him, he made it his mission to spend more time with you!!! 🥰😘💕

you’re eating together, sharing food and talking about everything and anything when he notices you lick your lips; he zones in on your little pink tongue as it swipes across your bottom lip 👁👁 “yuuji, you okay?” a hand on your cheek and suddenly, he’s kissing you. he tastes like the leftovers your mom packed you for lunch 🥰😋

[thewildwaffle]

Humans are Weird - Helium

It's been a while since I got a new story up. I'd been working on some other projects, then had some pretty unhappy life events happen. I am doing fine, so don't worry. Hopefully, now my muse is back and will stick around a while :)

This story is from a prompt ao3

*** *** ***

When you bring together a wide variety of races from different planets and environments, you tend to have an equally wide variety of needs that need to be met from species to species. Ships were typically staffed by a food and nutrients safety team. Custodial teams were careful about residual chemical and oil cross-contamination between particular races. Sections of hab suites had controlled ventilation systems that could be set to various atmospheric needs. Outside the hab suites, at work stations or in communal areas, some species have to be fitted with atmospheric filters. Over the years, these devices have gotten less uncomfortable, thankfully. They weren’t the best, they were a bit bulky, noisy, and in some cases obstructive to the wearer, but hey, being able to properly breathe on a ship with beings who had different atmospheric needs than you was more important than comfort. When the humans joined the galactic community, the newer filters started becoming noticeably smaller and less obtrusive. Many were concerned that the changes would make them less effective, but leave it to the humans to tinker around and invent the impossible when they really wanted to. The latest models were supposed to be so small and comfortable, you could sleep with them on. Heck for some races, you could barely tell they were wearing an atmospheric filter at all. Not only that, they were up to 40% more effective at filtration and gas delivery for many species. This opened up crew rosters for ships. Species who couldn't reasonably be stationed in the same ship due to the gases they breathe being dangerous to others, or vice versa could now be on the same crew.

That included duibs like Marvi who breathe large amounts of helium. She’d been serving aboard Galactic Coalition ships for more standard solar rotations than many of her fellow crewmates had been alive. It helped that duibs were long-lived, of course, and in her time, she’d seen many new technologies come and go. If you pressed her hard enough, she’d likely say that the atmospheric filters the humans developed were by far her favorite. Being able to safely and comfortably pass through different atmospheric biomes was an important ability when you had a long list of custodial and maintenance duties each rotation. Marvi huffed a deep sigh as she rounded another corner. Lighting beam replacements weren’t heavy, but maneuvering them around corners like this was a bit of a pain. “Need a helping paw Marvi?” Marvi turned to see a dark gray priso steadying the end lighting beam she was carrying. The furry face was relatively expressionless, but a clear look at his flicking whiskers and triangular, alert ears and bright eyes told her that he was holding back laughter. He must have just come up from around the other corner and seen the small duib struggling. “Oh, hello Aurrin. I definitely would appreciate some aid, though I would understand if you are busy right now,” Marvi replied politely. Honestly, the help would be very nice and she hoped the offer was serious. “I’m waiting for Human Karl, I can help until he gets here,” Aurrin rose to his back paws awkwardly and grabbed the ends of the light beams in his dexterous front paws. Priso were normally quadrupedal on flat ground, but the forested terrains of their homeworld meant they were at least somewhat adept at grabbing and climbing. He followed along, holding on to the light beams and kept them away from the walls and corners as the pair walked. “I was actually just installing something by the hab suites over there,” he tilted his head back to gesture behind them, “I’ve got something I wanted to test before I go off duty. After that, I’m looking forward to two whole cycles of rest and whatever I want to do.” The corridor here was darker and Marvi stopped walking. This was where she needed to replace the light beam. “Two whole cycles, huh?” She set down the light beam carefully, Aurrin following suit. She pulled out a tool from her hip pack and started working on opening the control panel. In order to open the panels to install the new light beams, she had to make sure power was redirected for safety. “What are you going to do with your time off? Any fun plans?” “A few plans. They might change depending on how my experiment goes.” Marvi worked quietly, waiting on the priso to expound, but other than chuckling to himself, he didn’t say anything more on the topic. Well, Marvi supposed it was not really her business, so she changed the subject and chatted cordially until the new light beam was installed and she rerouted power back to the panel. The darkened hall was filled with bright, cheerful light and Marvi let out a satisfied sigh. “Well, that’s that. Another task down.” The old light beam would need to be taken back to her shop for a repair and gas exchange, or refill, or whatever it ended up needing to get it up and running again. “Thank you again for your help. I should be able to get these back alright myself, I don’t want to take up too much of your time if you’ve still got your experiment to run.” From around the corner of the corridor, the distinct sound of a hab suite door opening was followed by approaching footsteps. A light on Aurrin’s comm device flashed and the priso’s long tail flicked excitedly back and forth. “No worries, it looks like my experiment is already underway.” Marvi felt the frills all along her body perk in curiosity, but before she could ask anything else, Human Karl rounded the corner. He grinned without showing his teeth, as it would have been a sign of aggression to many species on the ship, and gave a small wave as he approached. “Hey Karl,” Aurrin started. Marvi only partially listened as he started in on a spiel about his upcoming off-duty

plans. Instead, she was more interested in a quiet hissing noise and was trying to pinpoint where it was coming from. It sounded like… well it sounded almost like an atmospheric filter, one beside her own. Hers was in light operation since she was in a sector of the ship that was tuned to a generalized setting, but this noise sounded like a filter at full power output. Did Human Karl hear it? Could he hear it? Surely Aurrin could? She studied them, they didn’t seem to notice. The noise had started when Karl arrived, did that mean…? Her suspicions were confirmed the moment Karl opened his mouth to reply to Aurrin. “I’m actually on my way to��” What. The. Frewan? Human Karl’s voice, which was usually a calming deep tone, was disturbingly high and unnatural. The surprised expression on his face made Marvi’s core freeze. That meant this vocal change wasn’t some weird human thing? What was going on?! “I, woah,” the squeaky voice stuttered, “is this… helium? What is this? What’s going on?” He looked at the comm device strapped to his wrist and pulled up the readout. Sure enough, it was an increase of helium output from his atmospheric filter. The skin on his forehead wrinkled as he looked from the readout to Marvi and Aurrin, his eyes finally locking on the latter who was fiddling with something on his own comm device readout. “You punk! How did you do this? Change it back!” Karl started laughing a bit, Marvi wasn’t sure if it was directed at the ridiculousness of his voice or if it was because the helium was affecting his cognitive functions. She worried it was the latter. Panicking, Marvi approached to see if there was some sort of override. She had to act fast! Humans didn’t breathe helium, he could die! Before she could do anything though, Aurrin spoke up while trying to muffle his laughter. “Okay, okay, hoooo… I’ve deactivated it, you’re good. Keep talking though while your voice turns back to normal, you’re hilarious.” Karl gave him a look that Marvi couldn’t interpret. “What was that? How did you do that?” His voice was already back to normal and it sounded like a mix between annoyed, intrigued and amused. “When you came out of your hab suite, you passed a sensor I set up that overrode your atmospheric filter controls. My latest invention. Imagine this: a ship gets attacked and boarded. Normal defenses prove insufficient and the crew is in grave danger. As the hostiles pass hidden sensors, their atmospheric filters are overridden and they fall asleep, get loopy and confused, or simply pass out before they can get to and harm any crew.” Marvi and Karl blinked in unison while Aurrin’s tail swept side to side proudly. Marvi was the first to find words. “Your… your experiment?” Marvi glanced between Aurrin and Karl worriedly, “Is this what you were experimenting with? You ran it on a crewmate?!” “Well,” Aurrin’s ears pulled back slightly, but his whiskers still kept their amused look, “I say experiment pretty loosely. This was more of a field test. I ran all the actual experiments long ago. I knew exactly what would happen. And I did research on humans and I found out what effects helium has on them and I had to see it for myself. That’s why I was waiting for Karl.” The human in question was still laughing a bit - of course, a human would be able to laugh after nearly being asphyxiated, they’re crazy - before he ran his hand over his head to compose himself. “So this was a prank?” “For science.” “Of course. For science.” Karl’s smile suddenly morphed into a thoughtful frown. “Wait. Is this payback for the soap thing I pulled on you last week?” Aurrin’s face was statuesque and solemn as he stared silently at the human for a moment. “Yes.” “You’re the worst.” “Thank you.” “Want to go do this again in front of Aylin? She and Maruti-kar would think it’s hilarious.” “I had been planning on it. But only if we can get video evidence of it.” “For science?” “Naturally.” Marvi watched, hearts still beating rapidly from her panic, as Aurrin and Karl deactivated and retrieved the sensor to reenact the stunt she had just been a witness

to. Almost reflexively, she started tracing the side of her atmospheric filter. The quiet hum and hiss were calming. Helium to her was life. She’d thought it was toxic to others. And yet Aurrin thought it fine to use it on a human, and Karl was not only unworried about it but found it funny. Was it not dangerous?! And his voice? Why did it do that? She pulled up a search screen on her comm device and searched in the human database. Helium. Breathing. Voices. Apparently, helium took up space in their lungs that normally would be filled by oxygen, so yes, it was dangerous because they could asphyxiate. It also amplified higher-pitched tones of their vocal tract while simultaneously dampening lower tones because of the gas’s low density. That explained the voice change. And for some reason, the funny noise was enough of a reason to play around with deadly materials. Well, if anything, she supposed humans did keep to their MO pretty well. She picked the spent light beams back up and headed back to her shop, careful to not hit the ends on any walls or corners.

[circus4apsycho8]

could you do like,,,,gaster x reader maybe :O like if the reader was a scientist with him and they scolded eachother for not sleeping at good times and took breaks together or sum-

Hello! Sure thing! Also, sorry that the ending is a bit rushed. I may go back through later and polish it up a bit, but I think it will do for the time being. I hope you enjoy! Thank you for the request; I absolutely adore writing for Gaster. Gaster x Reader fics are so underrated!!

Pairing: Gaster x Reader

Warnings: mild cussing

...

The Fifth Phalange Promise

Your brain is dying.

Okay, so that might be an exaggeration, but it sure as hell feels like it. You rest your head on the table, a cup of your preferred hot beverage next to you.

It’s break time. Your favorite time of day right now – half an hour of doing absolutely nothing.

“Tired?”

You lift your head from its resting place, seeing one of your coworkers standing across from you. It’s none other than W.D. Gaster, standing there in his lab coat bearing a cup of monster-brewed coffee.

“A little,” you say with a soft sigh. “Nothing I can’t handle, though.”

He’s quiet for a moment as he studies you with his piercing gaze. “May I sit with you?”

“With…me?” you question, a bit of color dusting your cheeks. Gaster never sat with anyone – like you, he had never taken breaks previously until Asgore found out and forced you both to start doing so. When that happened, he only ever sat in his office, where he probably was sneaking some paperwork in rather than resting.

“That’s what I said.”

“Uh, sure,” you say, gesturing to the chair. He takes a seat and sets his mug on the table.

Wow. This feels odd. Sure, you work with Gaster on a bunch of projects, but it never went beyond a professional level. This feels…weird. More personal. You decide that you simultaneously hate it and love it.

And by the looks of it, you’re not the only one who finds this odd of Gaster. You notice that coworkers passing through are glancing at the two of you strangely.

“How long did you sleep last night?” Gaster questions suddenly. Short, and to the point. At least he’s not totally out of character.

“Enough,” you reply.

“If you slept enough, you wouldn’t have bags underneath your eyes.”

You huff an unamused laugh. “How long did you sleep, hm?”

That shuts him up. He averts his gaze, scoffing a bit.

“Very well.”

You chuckle, an idea forming. “That’s what I thought. But I think I have an idea of how long.”

“Do you really?” he challenges, leaning back in his chair.

You nod. “We were both working on the chain of custody processing until about midnight last night. It was a very sudden and large crime, so it took us a while to get it all done. Then, you went to go help the forensics unit analyze the evidence afterhours. Then, I saw you leaving at about three in the morning. And you got here today at five. So that puts you at less than two hours.”

“Observant, aren’t you?” he mumbles. “But you’re not much better. Because I happened to see you leaving at that time as well.”

“I’m really not,” you admit with a chuckle. You sip on your drink before realizing it’s gone cold, causing a frown to appear on your face.

“What is the matter?”

“Cold drink,” you say, tossing the disposable cup in the trash.

“I could use a refill. Care for a trip to Muffet’s bakery? We should have enough time.”

Your eyes widen. Gaster?! Asking you to go get coffee?! What?! Fuck it, you’re in.

“I’d like that,” you reply, smiling as you stand. Gaster offers a small smile in return. The two of you proceed to exit the building.

The day is overcast, but the temperature is just right. You sigh, inhaling the fresh air. You forgot how refreshing that was.

“It’s a nice day,” Gaster says.

“It is. It’s good to have some fresh air,” you note. A bit of movement catches your attention, as you notice Gaster is holding his arm out to you. It takes you a second to realize that he’s offering to link arms.

Wait wHAT-

You smile, sliding your arm against his. The cloth of his jacket rubs against your skin, but it’s not a bad feeling. You can feel his bones underneath too.

“To Muffet’s!” you declare, marching in the café’s direction. You’re quickly stopped when Gaster doesn’t budge.

“It’s this way,” he replies, smirking a bit as he points in the other direction.

“Oh,” you say, blushing as you chuckle nervously. “Right. I suck with directions.”

“I can tell.”

“Shut up,” you say jokingly. He smiles before the two of you quietly walk alongside each other on the sidewalk, your mind and heart racing the entire time.

This is insane. What is happening?!?!?!?!

Thankfully, Muffet’s isn’t far away, and the two of you are there in no time.

The bell above the door jingles, catching Muffet’s attention. Her eyes widen once she sees the two of you and your linked arms. You sigh, knowing you’d be grilled about this since you’re a regular here. Her gaze immediately flickers to you. You respond to her questioning gaze with an “I’ll-tell-you-later” look.

“Good morning, dearie. Gaster, it’s been a while,” she greets.

“Hey, Muffet!”

“Good morning. It has indeed. I trust you’ve been well?”

“I sure have. What can I get for you two?”

…

After the two of you have ordered and received your drinks, you settle down at a table together.

“Muffet’s coffee is way better than the crap we have at the lab,” you say.

“I agree. Hers is not as bland.”

“We should ask Asgore to replace ours with Muffet’s brand,” you note, taking another sip.

“Or we could just come here on break from now on,” Gaster suggests with a small simper.

You nearly choke on your coffee before you regain your composure. You return his smirk. “Only if you get a healthy amount of sleep tonight.”

“I will only if you do as well.”

You scoff, but sigh in defeat. “Alright. Pinky promise?”

“What?”

“Pinky promise,” you say, sticking out your pinky. “It’s the ultimate form of trust that you will fulfill your promise.���

“I don’t understand. What do I do to fulfill my end?”

“Just wrap your pinky around mine. Like this!” You demonstrate with your other hand.

“Ah. Very well then. It’s a fifth phalange and metacarpal promise.” Gaster then wraps his pinky bone around your hand, and the deal is sealed.

“Epic,” you reply, grinning.

You two decide to stay for a few minutes, and chat for a while. That is, until Muffet comes to collect your trash.

“Don’t you two have to return to work?”

Your eyes widen as you scramble for your phone.

“We’re late!”

[sugarfluffandallthatgoodstuff]

You're not a machine

Hawks x overworked!overwhelmed!reader

You were a med school student, but not just any regular old student you were an honors student well on her way to being valedictorian.

And that while remarkable came with it's own disadvantages.

mainly group projects.

which you were now scrambling to finish.

You were sitting in your apartment alone while you frantically typed away at your laptop with your research and other project materials on the 2 gaming monitors on either side of you with the laptop in the center.

You had been sitting at your computer for 5 days only getting up for more coffee, quick bathroom breaks, or refilling the mini fridge next to you.

It was currently 1:30AM and you were typing with speeds that would make the flash look like a snail by comparison when all of a sudden you heard tapping on your window a few feet to your left. But you didn't do anything simply brushing it off as the wind blowing a tree around.

but then the tapping started again in a specific rhythm to the tune of "promise of the rainbow" by Stephen Melillo.

YOUR POV

wait...

there's no way

there's no way that's coincidental

so I got up slowly crouched and walked to my kitchen and grabbed a knife then slowly made my way to the window.

I peeked through the curtain to see...

HAWKS?!?!?

WHAT WAS HE DOING HERE AT THIS TIME

Then I remembered he comes over at weird times sometimes for some injuries to get patched up and I thought that's what he must have been here for.

I opened the curtain and shyly waved at him and he silently gestured for me to open the window for him to come in. I held up one finger and walked out of view and wrote a message on the piece of paper.

I walked back to the window and held up the note which said:

"My computer and instrument set up is right under the window, but I can let you in through the door?"

he nodded and held up a thumbs up. then I threw the knife back into the kitchen no longer needing it.

I opened the door and IMMEDIATELY he started chatting with me

"hey I'm sorry I'm stopped by so late but I um... kind of... um... got stabbed..."

I immediately went into rapid-fire damage control

"How deep is it? where did you get stabbed? what were you stabbed with? are you entirely able to move things still?..."

"Woah Woah Woah one thing at a time babybird no need to be on edge. and to answer your millions of questions, bout 2 inches, side, small dagger, can move fine but it still hurts badly. but holy crap you look... as nicely as I can say...wired... are you ok?"

"I'm fine just a tad busy but let's get that wound of yours treated"

I walk him to the bathroom and have him remove his shirt so I can treat his stab wound. luckily he didn't remove the knife.

I handed him a thick rolled-up washcloth for him to bite on while I remove the knife.

"ok babe I'm going to remove it now feel free to bite down on the washcloth and scream if needed because this WILL hurt like a bitch. I apologize in advance"

I took the knife out quickly but safely and threw it on the counter

and holy crap that was one weird-looking knife.

I gave him a kiss as a reward and let him know I was going to go measure the blade.

"ok honey I'm gonna go get the tape measure and some more materials to further patch this up. I'll be right back you're doing great ok."

I went to grab the supplies and suddenly felt really lightheaded and tired but I needed to push through because of the amount of work I had left as well his wounds left to treat.

I then got back to the bathroom eyes starting to droop slightly as I slowly lost energy

"Ok I'm back let's measure this blade so I can determine how deep the wound is and if you need stitches"

"Ok sounds good"

I measured the blade and it was a whopping 2.5 inches.

"well fuck"

"what happened?!"

"sadly you're going to need stitches but it shouldn't take too long."

"fine"

*time skip to after the stitches*

"ok so you should get those removed in a couple of weeks I hope you getting home won't be an issue"

"hey would you maybe mind if I... stayed the night?"

"oh um... sure I guess I didn't really prepare for guests because I've been so busy but you can take the guest room I guess. Just be sure to let me know if you need anything at all I will be in the living room working."

"Unrelated question but how long have you been working?"

"not sure but it doesn't matter because the work isn't done yet and it needs to be finished so I don't let anyone down."

he got off the counter and started making his way to the guest room to I assume get ready for bed so I went back to my desk to continued on the grind to finally be done with this monstrosity of a project.

one problem though

the room started to spin

I almost made it to my desk before blacking out and collapsing to the floor.

HAWKS POV

I was changing into one of the shirts I left here just incase this kind of thing ever happened when I heard a loud thump coming from... I think the living room?

so I rushed in there to see Y/N lying on the floor near her illuminated computer convulsing

I had to think on my feet and try to remember what she said about what to do in this situation so I just ran over to her, picked her up and laid her down on the couch anxiously waiting for her to wake up but first I checked to see if she was conscious

"Y/N can you hear me? are you ok?!?!?"

YOUR POV

I felt myself being torn in and out of consciousness to slightly hear my loving boyfriend trying to talk to me

"Y/N babe what happened?!"

"did I finish my work?"

"huh?"

"I said did I manage to finish my work?"

"uhh I found you lying on the ground away from your computer so imma assume no"

"damn it"

"damn it what?"

"I didn't finish. fuck I knew I should have drank that 5th can of bang."

"Y/N that's not good. how long have you been awake?"

"I think 6 days now but the project is more important especially because my group needed more help. and they needed a lot more help than I realized."

"Y/N I think that's them taking advantage of you. and also 6 FUCKING DAYS NO WONDER YOU PASSED OUT! you know what that's it you're going to bed."

"B-but I need to finish my-"

"no buts you're going to bed no arguments"

"hawks please let go of me so I can finally finish this"

"I can't believe I'm going to have to do this but you leave me no choice"

"what are you ta-"

suddenly my arms are pinned above my head and he discharges some of his feathers to restrain my wrists as his fingers scribble fanaticly across my tummy

"waiHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAIT NOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO PLEAHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHESE NOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO"

"sorry babybird but you need a break and I'm gonna make sure you get it and forget about your work. gotta make it so you can't hurt yourself right? what kind of boyfriend would I be if I let you self destruct in front of me?"

" PLEAHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHESE STOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOP I'HIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHILL DOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHANY THIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHING"

"ok ok but you have to promise you'll go to bed and I'll snuggle with you to make sure you rest. besides think of all the times you helped me and everyone around you. it's not fair that you give everything of yourself to the world and refuse help in return. So you are not going to do anything for the next few days and I'll be right here next to you."

he had stopped the onslaught of tickles and looked down at me with a soft smile as he carried me to bed and took care of me and made sure I ate and when I was finally asleep he sent a less than pleasant email to my professor telling them to fail all the other people for not contributing and for an extra week.

soon enough I was wrapped in his wings snuggling into his chest sound asleep.

the end