#and i have a bunch of other shit to do tomorrow
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Got mixed feelings on Fallout the tv show but it has made me redownload Fallout 4 and hang out with my favourite drugged up irradiated raisin man
#i just think he’s neat#fallout 4#fallout hancock#drawing#my art#fanart sorry but i have had 2 do a bunch of terrible grown up shit today and instead of being rewarded with a treat i am gettin a migraine#so i am not doing anything other than playing fallout and doodling quick fanarts#is the migraine gonna be bad enough to call out of my morning shift tomorrow? one can only hope#fallout
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cdrama revenge narrative protagonist spectrum from mei changsu (has planned everything 99 moves in advance) to wei yingluo (flying by seat of pants and reacting to immediate crises as they happen, but reacting so fast that no one can keep up)
#my girl is making shit up on the fly she is not thinking about tomorrow or the next day she's trying to keep from being executed#right NOW. she's always weaseling out of something. her style is defensive and reactive because she is coming from#a position of weakness/lack of structural power and also because she doesn't even know big picture who to get revenge on#she's in her information gathering era but in the meantime everyone keeps trying to kill her. so she has to spend all this time#fending off frameups and character assassinations#every time she's in trouble she's like okay give me fifteen seconds to think of a way to turn this back on whoever is responsible#and then she does. usually in some highly offensive way and then she also has to figure out how to keep the emperor from executing her#for whatever her solution was. i'm obsessed w her#yanxi palace#story of yanxi palace#my posts#nirvana in fire#mei changsu has actually so much social power because he's so good at networking basically#whereas wei yingluo is not here to make friends and in fact keeps making 90% of people hate her#but the other 10% think her lack of social graces and complete fearlessness in talking back to people with more power#is kinda cute actually#she came to the palace with zero plan and zero friends and was not worried about it she was just like what else can you do#if i die i die but i have to try so here i am trying#and she still doesn't have any idea who killed her sister but in the meantime at least she's made a bunch of powerful enemies <3
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forced myself to wake up and leave my warm cozy blanky at 3:30 am in the winter to speedrun my syllabus because they gave us 12 hours to prep for our endsem are yall proud of me
#not to mention ive baaaaarely gotten sleep the past few nights because its been back 2 back exams every day#forget afternoon naps i havent even been getting more than 4 hours at NIGHT#and i am a bitch that values sleep above all else#and i got no time to prep the syllabus beforehand because of all our never ending fucking assignments#including yk. the full fledged GAME they made us code from scratch in 3 weeks without teaching us anyyy of the required tools or languages#literally speedran an entire math course with everything from number theory and graph theory to fucking induction and combinatorics#in like. 4 hours and gave my endsem NOT EVEN 12 HOURS BACK AND IT WAS 50% OF OUR FUCKING GRADE#and now i have to do it againnn for the third exam in a row at 9:30 in the fucking morning#which btw i realized LAST NIGHT. because our datesheet said the exam was at 2:30 but theyre doing it in batches#so i dont even have the morning to revise and need to pull this shit#AND THEN EVEN FOR THE COURSES WHERE I SOMEHOW COVER THE ENTIRE SYLLABUS THOROUGHLY THEY WILL GIVE THE MOST OUT OF POCKET BULLSHIT#THAT YOUVE NEVER HEARD OF IN YOUR LIFE#and after THIS exam i have to speedrun linear algebra and teach it to a bunch of kids by tomorrow morning#granted that one is on me because i couldve said no but ugh#college hateposting#in other news my ex crush wore a suit yesterday and she looked so hot she almost made me relapse into lesbianism#but i digresssssss#x am rambles#man ive missed ranting about shit on tumblr i should come back here more often
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#i was pondering to myself the other day:#i KNOW a bunch of you ppl following me have STRONG LITERARY OPINIONS#and yet so rarely do you come into my replies to STRONGLY EXPRESS THEM#and i was like hmmm how can i get nerds having emotions at me more often#and then i saw Ms. Didion come up today and.#i legit have no idea how far the distance is between The Zeitgeist Opinion of her vs the Snobby Prole Opinion of her#like the way everyone talks about her shit is just mysterious to me???#so tada. a poll. let's find out everyone's buried opinions#if this acheives its goals i might make this a series. one literary luminary a week. or something.#(i am aware i'm posting this at 11pm on a friday like a nerd whatEVER i'll just reblog at a normal time tomorrow)
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So tired of having to Go Places and Do Things while I'm sick. Like blehhh, leave me alone, responsibility!
#oracle's reverie#going to the clinic today. have some chores and stuff to do. then going to the post office and doing more chores tomorrow#tbf the post office trips are directly my fault. i Chose to list stuff for sale online.#i just want to buy a few things and alas. i have no other way to acquire money#so i gotta sell my shit. it is kind of sad sometimes but i try not to think about it#i need to get rid of stuff anyway i've got way too much junk and my room is TINY#the corner is packed full of totes and boxes and i have so many clothes they're just piled on the floor#the clothing situation is dire but a lot of it i can't wear anymore due to it either Not Fitting or being Way Too Warm for me#so i gotta sort it and set up to sell a bunch of it. it's gonna be a lot of work 😔#.....so anyway yeah. i am very tired and i have very much to do
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#final of my worst class is due at noon tomorrow. not midnight. noon. i thought i was going to have all day to do it. but no.#guess im doing it today#not like i didnt have to get a bunch of other shit done. ahaha#. hah
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I've got as many archen posts as i cld find that i rlly liked in my queue already so i went down the archeops tag to use archeops as filler until i find more archen centric stuff to add but man...... almost every archeops post is submas related or focused :(
Like i get it i LOVE the submas but it sucks just a little bit not seeing as much love for archeops on his own.. there a few really good posts though that i yoinked into the queue :>
#this post is gonna look hypocritical as hell bc i did in fact add a bunch of the submas posts bc they were funny/cute#i love the submas and i love that legends arceus brought them to public attention and i LOVE that it reminded ppl abt archeops and archen#i guess i just didnt realize how spoiked i was by how kuch archen centric content there is whereas most archeops posts revolve around-#-the submas and their hijinks and shenanigans...... i need more love for just archeops methinks#on that note if u guys have good archen/archeops posts send them to me!!!!! if i dont already have em queued/reblogged ill add them :)#i need to start being the change i wanna see in the world with this stuff. i can draw i shld be doing allat#whoo sorry holy shit its 2 am. hi guys#i also added a bunch of my other fave pokemon to the queue bc the masses said i cld so 👍 win#theyre all tagged appropriately dw#gn guys <3 if any of my fellow pokemon game fans out there are getting ready for switch 2 pre-order day tomorrow i wish u the best of luck#not archen
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i wish i could just do nothing for a few days straight. maybe even just sleep for a few days straight. sooo excited for constant misery over the next 20 days
ranting in the tags. i would just scroll past if i were you
#i love college.my favorite part is sitting alone on my couch for 4 months straight and getting so freaked out over grades i spend#5 hours straight trying to avoid the urge to bite into my arm so hard i bruise or bash my head into a wall#meanwhile i keep thinking my life is over. i don't have any evidence. for the first time in my life the future isn't predetermined by#other people and now that i don't know what comes next i just constantly get freaked out. it makes me want to claw through my skin#i know something is wrong with me. it's been 5 years. i know it isn't just going to go away; especially given current circumstances#and how it's only been getting worse over time#but i continue to just sit on my couch and do nothing about it. and since i'm not doing anything about it i just feel like i don't have the#right to complain about it even though shit fucking sucks. months of my life at a time just blur together#god. i was genuinely happy last month when i ripped a bunch of booster packs with my mates that i only see over the summer (minus my bestie#and it made me realize just how much everything's blurred together. i hadn't really felt anything lasting + significantly positive#for months before that. that's not normal#god. i've been wanting to go to bed for the last two hours but i just keep sitting here going “um! you need to study. and wash dishes. and”#so i just. don't. which is already bad but i also need to get up early so i can study for my test tomorrow.#god. fucking dreading my lab tomorrow. went to it last week but dipped at the last minute without getting my work checked off#and without submitting it because i got so angry and freaked out and telling myself “man you can just leave” calmed me down instantly#and then at that point i had like nothing done and i didn't want to admit that so i just. left#if i get asked about it i'll just say it was something personal and i panicked. shrug#a part of me is beyond tempted to skip the lab again but i'm not confident in my assignment grades in that class to do so#even though i'll end up with a 5 point bonus on the final grade from taking a survey. but i'll probably go just cause#it's the second to last lab#man i have three whole ass projects due in that class in 10 days. unless my mental state suddenly improves (it won't) i'm gonna end up doin#those the last possible three days#speaking of assignments. we had to do a group project in my bio lab yeah? the methods my group went with sucked and honestly these#people were a little bit frustrating (i get it. gen ed lab at 7:30am. i'm only in it cause i panicked when a different class registration#fell through) since it always felt like they were more interested in getting done than having like. slightly decent work but whatever#but these people? these people asked me to write the conclusion for our presentation. i ask “yeah sure yeah. what did we conclude”#“eh. you can write whatever” ???????????????? HUH???? MATE THAT IS HALF OF THE WORK???????????????????#the shitty sensors and our shitty methods gave us shitty data and YOU PEOPLE CAN'T EVEN SUGGEST WHAT THE CONCLUSION IS????????? fuck me dud#i was already in a poor mood (normal mental illness plus i had found out my uncle died like three days before#like i had talked to him just last month. never had someone i know die before. sucks) but that shit pissed me off
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The craving for a slow cooker has me suddenly go full Marie Kondo on my kitchen.
#personal#i want one#so badly#but also this is not technically my kitchen it's my mother's kitchen#but also also she never cooks here anymore#meaning theres a ton of shit here thats just stored to be used somewhere else#and for the most part that is fine#but some of this shit is also just never used#and some other things are used but horribly stored#in addition to that my sister cooks here#but she constantly just leaves things lying around#and while i understand that she has a 9 to 5 job and less time to do the dishes#she could at least properly put said dishes in the right spot so i can clean them#also i need to have a talk with her about leavibg her leftovers just standing around for days on end#it's past 10pm and i just flitted through the kitched putting a bunch of shit away that's just been standing around for months#cause i just couldn't be bothered to deal with it#but if i want a slow cooker i will need to be much for economic with my space#so yeah i already dealt with a bunch of stuff and i will deal with the rest tomorrow#hopefully my mother will be here so i can ask her about the bunch of stuff i have never used
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panic looking for phds and if the fact that they pay less than minimum wage isn’t enough (and normally isn’t even guaranteed) most of them need me to know how to drive
#everything is fine everything is completely and totally fine#I’m also gonna stop being dramatic bc I actually am fine I’m just. so incredibly stressed abt what I’m doing next year#going to a careers fair tomorrow but I looked at who’s there and it’s majority consulting and law firms.#the problem with jobs‚ I have decided‚ is that you can either do something that won’t kill you OR you can make money#but not both.#I don’t even care about making money I’d just like to be stable yknow. money isn’t a motivator any further than not having to worry about it#oh and the other truly bizarre problem I just found with phds is that they’re all also in Macquarie‚ Australia for some reason#scrolling findaphd. see project that sounds rlly cool and suited to my skillset. joint led by Bristol and Macquarie. could be cool but no#look at a few projects that look like shit. find another one that would actually be really cool! joint led by St Andrews and Macquarie#different group different focus. two nickels. I guess Macquarie got some funding or something recently good for them#what if I went to Zurich.#applications aren’t closed until may and they’re funded unless they’re lying. I could learn german.#I met a dude who works there this summer. I don’t think I care abt his field but we did email a Bunch#why is the website exclusively showing me cell biologists I KNOW a conservation guy works here#hrm I’m going to go to bed now. this is dumb and I’m not going to Zurich. but what if I did.#insane that it might be easier to do that than find a PhD in this country for next year at this point#I’m also not doing a PhD next year if I do one it’ll be applying next year but I gotta find SOMETHING for next year and I’m going to cry.#anyway bedtime#luke.txt
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Sounds like you've got a right bitch of a co-worker based on those post tags lol
ajfksdljf TT0TT Oh that was like my 3rd version of a post I made. I had to talk myself down and censor myself akljsdflkfa orz
But yes he really is. I cannot stress it enough that everyone hates his guts and he's created such a hostile work environment.
#silly asks#the junpei coworker#silly answers#god i hate him so much#he's not the first jackass i've had to work with but god he is the most recent#i should've called HR last night#i literally told him “do NOT fucking finish that sentence or train of thought”#and then he kept ALLUDING to what he wanted to say and i had to keep telling him to stfu#then he hid in the bathroom for 30 min (which pissed me off mORE because it meant he got a free 30 break and was paid for it)#all while i was left alone to wrangle a circus by myself#he was watching anime fyi...cause I could hear it when I had to go to the back room to get stuff#like we had a store meeting and my boss listed a bunch of stuff that needed to be minded#and like HALF of it was directed at junpei (he didn't look at him but WE ALL KNEW)#my boss even confirmed it when everyone else left#he only confirmed it because as soon as they left I turned to him an was like 'when is that mfer getting fired?????!"#my boss wants to fire him but HIS boss says he can't until they find a replacement#the bar is in hell rn#it's so bad that me and my other coworker made a bingo of shit he likes to pull on shift (HE'S THAT CONSISTENT)#*looks at sched* oh thank god I dont need to see him today or tomorrow-#WAIT NO I HAVE TO WORK WITH HIM THE ENTIRE CLOSE FRIDAY NOOOOO FUCK save tme this is gonan suck#i'm kinda hoping he gets “sick” again I'd rather work alone TT0TT#*inhales* it'll be fine it'lle be fine it'll be fine it'll be fine#zen zen centered i am zen...I'll listen to an audio book or video i'll be ok#i'll just ignore him like i've been doing TT0TT#silly vents#vents#irl bs
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your negative takes on recent tennis rivalries pleaseeee🙏🙏🙏
ps. you’re a treasure
okay so I'll do the copy paste thing from what I did just cut from the initial post, which was my polite 'I'm attempting to write a reasonably neutral post' approach
so, this may come as a shock, but obviously I'm a bit of a fan of rivalries. we do have some bangers in tennis history, rich narrative texts, but... well. the landscape out there hasn't been great for the past decade or so. sometimes you can get invested in match-ups between specific players that are fun to watch and interesting tennis-wise, but it's all very much about the sport rather than the personal relationships between the different players. I enjoy matches between all three or ryba, sabs and iga!! but also. they are coworkers. you do kindaaaa get the sense sabs and iga aren't particularly fond of each of other, but it's all perfectly cordial. again, the tennis is great, I support them in all their endeavours, but it's very much the tennis itself you need to look for for the drama (also they don't play each other as much as I'd like, but that's a conversation for a different day)
you do still sometimes get some fun beef but it's very much isolated dumb stuff like the fritz/rinderknech "have a nice flight home" thing. this isn't going anywhere story-wise but it's fun in the moment
speaking of men. obviously the most important rivalries for the last however many years have been between various big three/four members, and federer/nadal specifically is extremely popular. tennis-wise, I still think federer/djokovic was the most fun match-up, and at least there was a little tension there because federer used to hate djokovic. they've played a lot of matches that are worth watching!! also they've finally mostly retired so it's not super relevant any more, but well tennis fans as a collective are very big three-pilled so you'll hear a lot about these blokes
and now there's alcaraz/sinner. they've only really had one match that was good start to finish (uso 2022), but definitely some fun ones (miami 2023 and wimbledon 2022 are probably the other ones that stand out, their most recent match was very much in the 'long does not equal good' category). plus, they're quite good at producing highlight reel content, like this one point everyone remembers (shown here from every angle... tennistv produces longer videos for single points than the wta releases for most finals). it's an interpersonally warm rivalry between two young guys who are both very successful and will presumably win everything for the next decade. again, I'd suggest trying to become a fan of one of those two
this was the polite way of phrasing it!! everything below here is quite rude and negative, peace and love to all
okay, let's ditch the thin veneer of neutrality, here's what I actually think: it is completely baffling to me how popular quite a few of these rivalries are, I don't get it, I have never understood it, I will never understand it. tennis went 'what if we had rivalries without narrative tension' and everyone just kinda rolled with that? mind you federer/nadal early confrontations were happening at the same time as clijsters/henin, who were like?? dude it got so bad henin said she had never been friends with clijsters so nothing clijsters and her father said could hurt her ("nothing was broken between us because there was nothing to break" ???? ffs). which is obviously not true!! but it's so... she denied the friendship ever existed and called it all pr like that's so SAD! look, this is beside the point, I'm not talking about henin/clijsters here, I do understand why people aren't that into a rivalry that was at its peak like two decades ago and federer/nadal were still playing slam finals in 2k17 (a dark dark time for some fans, federer had already HAD his decline and then he was suddenly winning slams again like tf). and to some extent I go 'well clearly people will just be into anything if you have two successful blokes' but there's clearly quite a lot of genuine passion there? like I'm not denying the passion EXISTS, people do clearly care about these guys, it's not all a psyop by Big Fedal who have suckered people into caring for these two dudes. and I'm not denying the tennis is great! I still personally prefer the match-ups that involve djokovic, and also the match-ups that involve none of those three, but fundamentally I have been watching these matches for like!! so many years! it's part of my childhood, I have enjoyed plenty of these matches, the tennis is obviously otherworldly. I have hot takes on a bunch of their matches, I can have the goat debate with you, I can give you the rundown on surface-specific match-ups and how long since nadal won a set on hard court against djokovic and federer's peak year domination rate and what they all did at madrid and blue clay and yec and golden masters and all that shit, of course it's part of my dna as a tennis viewer too!! I did usually have a slight order of preference in my head when I was watching big three match ups to have someone to root for (it's different now but back when I was a kid it was djokovic > nadal > federer, these days federer's redeemed himself a little bit in my eyes by having the decency to retire and I was radicalised against nadal). but like!! what's the narrative hook! I need somebody to explain to me what the story here is. these guys are all very good at tennis and they are racking up their titles and it's so!! whatever!! no tension no arc no real interpersonal development once federer stopped being so bitchy about djokovic. twenty plus slams who CARES, what are they doing this for! it's all so?? ugh
anyway now that I've taken a potshot at the most popular rivalry in men's tennis, I should quickly back it up by saying I feel almost the exact same way about the second most popular one (at least on tumblr) and also feel nothing for alcaraz/sinner. that one was still like... vaguely palpable? when alcaraz was clearly a way better player but struggled in that match up and also was way more invested in the rivalry than sinner was. but well, sinner is world number one now so THAT'S been ruined. again, sit me down and explain to me what the narrative stakes here are. like, if sinner wins that roland garros match, he'll be fine? alcaraz will be fine? everyone will be fine? their relationship is basically 'friendly coworkers', zero chance of anything more substantial developing there. now, don't get me wrong, I'm not gonna pretend like I'm massively into the current state of the women's game when it comes to rivalries either, but at least I have a base level of fondness there for the top players and am ideologically inclined to hype up any rivalries there whenever they come along. also, quite frankly, it DOES matter viscerally more to them!! iga spends a lot of her time kinda like,,, on the edge, the way she was in tears when getting physio after the naomi match, united cup last year, a bunch of her 2021 matches, like she's so intense and so tightly strung on the court that you do really get the sense that a loss could just cause her to have an existential crisis. there's so many unanswered questions about her ultimate potential off clay, I'm still proper curious about her story develops. and then with aryna, she's obviously ALSO so intense but in a different way, and she feels every single emotion so completely and entirely and iga has beaten her in one of those infamous semifinal chokes and it's kinda... you know, aryna also feels like she has something to prove, and you can tell they both really really want to beat each other. there's something there!! it's something real! I'm always seated whenever we actually get to see them play
that being said, yes, obviously I do think we're not exactly peak rivalry potential in either gender. the men's is more egregious because the way the game has shaken out since like,,,, 2004, is incredible top level domination by just a few guys. and now, yes, I'm aware I'm a fan of another sport where this was also incredibly true. but. the key difference is that the aliens had the decency to not be so fucking boring about it. sure on paper they were as a PACK winning everything, but good lord were they screaming crying throwing up whenever things went mildly wrong for them. like!! they despised each other and they needed to beat each other, which makes ME care!! I'm not saying I NEED rivals to hate each other, though it sure does help for my investment levels, but I need a narrative hook! borg/mcenroe had a narrative hook, evert/navratilova had a narrative hook (unfortunately that narrative hook these days is 'being united in transphobia'), agassi/sampras had one HELL of a narrative hook. noughties wta tennis about fifty million narrative hooks!! when I watch alcaraz/sinner, I just try and enjoy the tennis (though their roland garros match was mid as shit so what's that all about) but like... I don't care? or I care because one of them has pissed me off recently. I do fundamentally watch most of men's tennis as a hater, and admittedly this is accumulated bitterness over way too many years, but I do also think it's frustrating! tennis gets in its own way with this whole gentleman's sport business, the amount of wanking people do over federer/nadal in particular is truly insufferable... this is a sport filled with millionaire tax evaders and they'll have you believe that smashing a racquet is not only not fun (obviously it is) but also some kind of arbiter of morality. congrats to nadal for not smashing a racquet in his career!! could we please get his thoughts on gender equality in prize money? oh... okay. hm. this isn't supposed to be some gotcha, these guys all suck. but ultimately I would prefer not to engage with this sanitising and pearl clutching, given they do all suck, over shit that fundamentally does not matter while giving them a pass over all the stuff that DOES and instead maybe just have some fun. maybe you need to be single-minded and kind of dull to be good at men's tennis these days, maybe it's inevitable, doesn't mean I don't find them boring and pointless. there's some people who just enjoy like,,, watching greatness, endlessly racking up numbers and reaching the pinnacle of the sport or whatever, that's not me, I need there to be a story
thing is, right, obviously I'll still watch these matches (though I have massively turned it down this year, especially on the men's side - I did have a kind of breaking point this january where I was like 'wow I don't think I can ever care about anything any more?' and broadly speaking this has proved to be correct). I've tried hard to like a lot of these men because, god knows, it'd be a way more pleasant experience if I could trick my brain into it, but I can't! I think they're dull! fundamentally I'm too embedded in this world to ever be able to leave it. but I think it's funny when fans go 'oh people who are into drama don't appreciate the actual sport' like buddy I can basically guarantee I know more about the sport than you do. I Just Think that actually interpersonal relationships do also enhance the actual sports, like this shit is a conversation right,,, it has its history, it's a development over time in terms of your tactics and your knowledge of your opponent's tactics and so on, your expectations going into every match. when you have an interesting interpersonal dynamic, the sport also becomes more interesting... it's actually pretty straightforward lol. a lot of tennis is in the head, rivalries are also in the head, you're playing the other guy (gender neutral) as much as you are the actual ball. I get super annoyed by fans who are too busy being nostalgic to actually enjoy the players we have now, and I really don't like it when people call iga boring for instance, but I do also have a little bit of that. love the game, hate a lot of the players, simple as. bring back agassi calling his pet parrot more interesting than sampras in his autobiography, we used to be a proper sport
#an exciting post because any potential readers either a) don't know what tf I'm on about or b) hate most of what they just read#I just googled like. rankings of tennis rivalries out of curiosity#and I just found one that had murray/djokovic above the williams sisters which... no? obviously not?#how do NONE of these have clijsters/henin like come on. you people all suck#if feminism were real they would have fifty million fics on ao3#agassi's 1995 had more narrative juice than most of these fuckers can manage in a lifetime#//#batsplat responds#gonna do the other tennis asks tomorrow because I did realise I wanted to add. one or two things to those too#this is still the toned down version like some of my messages include some proper nasty rants but that's. not going public#this is obviously NOT going in the main tennis tag... eh. I'll come up with my own at some point#my most toxic tumblr trait is following a bunch of people for motorsports purposes#and then having a 'one strike and you're out' policy for any tennis I see from anyone who isn't a mutual#get that shit OFF my dash I do NOT want to see it#well I suppose I wouldn't unfollow for women's tennis but I never see that now do I
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my new bit apparently is i make gifs under the emotional duress of this one anon who will check in with me when i havent been making gifs finster style except im not girlmoding and theyre not paying me
#but other than that its basically exactly the same situation#btw love that anon literally no hate. i just have adhd#its not even hard its just that theres a bunch of steps and my brain always goes. TOO MANY. and we sit here making posts about it instead.#but in my defense it is almost midnight and i am just gonna go to bed. tomorrow though. who knows#also i want to learn animstack in more depth and i want to. learn gimp filters too (one in the same rlly)#but i need to forget that for now and just make the sets i have in my todo list lol#if its any consolation im also hardcore procrastinating on all my fics and shit. im kind of just doing a fat load of nothing most days
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bro the excecutive dysfunction is kicking my ass today
#have to read a bunch of stuff for tomorrow that i was to tired to do yesterday#but in like 5 hours i've managed to read like 40 pages#which isn't that bad but i have a lot more to go#and i keep getting distracted by stuff#and even while reading i'm thinking about other shit so i have to reread every paragraph like 3 times#augughhg#don't mind me
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sitting here annoyed with myself for not starting my java assignments (tbf even though it takes me a while to get to assignments normally) as if my mental health isn't complete ass right now. "man i wish i started these assignments during the week" <- dog your thoughts were drifting away from you on wednesday and nothing felt real unless you were actively thinking about something. and then it took a few days to feel normal. no shit you didn't start them that week
#shaking my head#i'm not like. horribly worried? like as long as i really start working on them tomorrow and get them all done by friday#all of the other stuff that week isn't a huge worry either i think? my comms exam is the worst thing and that's open notes#um. biggest problem is probably monday#my fucking bio lab group mates literally told me to come up with the whole god damn fucking conclusion on my own. whar???#so that presentation is going to suck major ass but whatever. shrug. mostly just aiming for a 60 in that class#also a big problem because i have a bunch of biology things i need to turn in so i can hopefully ensure my grade is a 60#if not. shrug. not the biggest thing i have to worry about this year#(i cannot stop thinking about how my life is over and i do not know enough about my future to logically convince myself otherwise)#guhhhhhhhhhhhh. fucking hell#grades are due on friday so like. at least by saturday i'll mostly be done with everything and won't really have shit to worry about#minus my assembly final#that one's a bit of a worry BUT since i normally make 60s on these finals even with barely studying--#i'm positive i can make a 70+#god. i can't fucking wait for april 29th 2pm when i'm completely absolutely done with everything#i can draw. and calm down. and hopefully feel normal-ish again#queued rants#anyways. shrug
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auuudggghghhrhrhrbrr
#okay I’m feeling Bad and I need to unpick why before I’ll be able to sleep#friend is asking abt lunch on Friday when I already have standing commitment w other friends then so I can’t do that.#but I also go home on Sunday and I can’t do shit until Friday bc work and I have plans on Saturday so I just. can’t see them#which. I guess makes things easier actually that’s not something I can control and I’m not changing existing plans that’s unfair#I’m also listening to a playlist of old music (Apple Music generated favourites — so literally random picked from everything I’ve ever done#and the last few songs have made me feel Bad bc of being associated with certain times but song playing rn is definitively a good song#w a good memory attached and it’s MY song not one of my old friends#okay where are we#I’m stressed abt presentation on Thursday but also a non issue. I’m prepared. I have all day tomorrow to practice and read up more#and then it’s 20 minutes on Thursday morning I’ll be done before 10am#I am. a little frustrated on a broader scale about the role I’m currently occupying#in that w a bunch of my friends I’m having to be the one with their shit together and dealing with their Stuff.#mostly in the way that I have to be putting in extra effort to tiptoe around them and steer stuff to keep them happy#i can do it i can do it easily I’ve just tasted not having to now so it’s. noticeably different having to do it more#i do Not have the words to talk abt this in the way I want to it’s so annoying#it’s like. I know how my friend responds to stuff. I know the things that make her anxious and what her instinctual responses will be#and I’m constantly having higher level thoughts planning out how things will go it’s effortless and constant it’s just There#with everyone all the time but sometimes I use it more and sometimes I have to because I’m in a position where if I don’t we’ll get nowhere#and I don’t like that I’m having to worry abt keeping other people happy while I’m talking to my friends it removes me a layer from stuff#hrm. there are broader questions here abt the utility of this bc like. sure it helps in some situations#but this probably isn’t great long term for either of us. wild. goddamn talking to my friend abt philosophy opened new parts of my brain#anyway I cba to have those thoughts rn! it’s midnight! I’m going to bed in half an hour <3#it’s honestly unfair that I have to do anything other than be gay and play pokemon#luke.txt#uaUrghrhfhjs I’m also being insane abt a guy. which is predictable and I feel stupid abt for multiple reasons but. here we are.#I’m being insane. and maybe I should be less mean to myself but I feel like I’m being insane.#I think! I need to go to bed!#I am not being insane I am having feelings and that is allowed. feelings are typically regarded as a pretty normal thing to have.#philosophy friend is gonna be so mad at me if anything comes of this but it’s fine and if it does I think I’ll be pretty happy anyway#point is I’m doing nothing wrong and have done nothing wrong and I’m allowed to feel whatever the hell I like. okay.
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