#and i get to choose how i deal w it
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catholic moment
#'repent' shhhhhhut up#i always forget i was supposed to catholic until i visit my dad's family or i hear/see one of The Words#repent... forgive... etc..............#i vaguely remember at least one prayer! it came up in a fic once and i kept going 'HEY. HEY WAIT I KNOW THAT THING.'#our father who art tho in heaven give us this gay our daily bread or whatever#thy kingdom come thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven yada yada forgive our sins as we forgive others and let us chow down already#in the name of the father son holy spirit amen i STILL do that shit on reflex#theres a whole motion- father at the head down on son then up to a shoulder on holy and cross to the other on spirit!#i should not be so proud of myself but shut up its MY vaguely hostile relationship with my sort-of catholicism#and i get to choose how i deal w it#yeah i dont remember cracking open the bible very much but i DO remember prayer stuff. american church am i right
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“if she doesn't want to be called dude i won't call her that” - you are assuming you and your friends read as people trans women feel safe enough to speak up to, while already demonstrating you don't take other people seriously enough.
Your habit and lack of self restraint/awareness matter more than common sense i guess. Like i would never call a transmasc “girl” because that would seem like obvious misgendering, but it's different for trans women apparently.
#see now#as a black person dealing w white people bullshit i understand the hesitation to Speak Up when u are the minority in the room#it's a roll of the dice and you never know how it's gonna go. will they listen? will they double down? will everyone turn against you?#every person you need to confront has the potential to blow up on you and for the situation to get blown out of proportion#but in a way that goes back to it being your fault for speaking up and ruining everything to begin with.#and when i see y'all say shit like “well im gonna keep calling trans women dudes unless they specifically ask me to stop”#i always think about that in comparison. y'all are putting trans women in this position over and over again and acting like#there isn't a glaring power dynamic that would reasonably make a lot of trans women choose to bite their tongues and#take it especially IRL. the thing too is i don't even mind it Myself but the way that y'all insist on doing it despite so many#trans women asking you not to repeatedly is so 😐 the power dynamic thing seemed obvious to me but maybe most of#y'all in the “dude is gender neutral camp” are white lol. y'all REALLY need to do better#lol now I'm thinking more about my irl experience and maybe it's been significantly less annoying bc i surround myself w poc
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genuinely the moment you find an aesthetic you love and start owning it life gets better
#red is My Colour it’s my thing everyone knows that about me and sometimes I catch myself being like wow this is like actually really lame 😭#bc my hair is red my nails (when i have them done) are red i wear red clothes#and it was always tiny things like that where yeah it’s fun and noticeable but not super in ur face if you don’t know any better#but recently I’ve really been leaning into it like I ordered a red wallet and a red bag AND red sunnies#and i actively choose red whenever colour options are available for day to day stuff#like red perfume instead of the original black one (this is my pride and joy) or dumb shit like getting cherry coke instead of normal#and it’s SO dumb it’s so lame but it brings me so much genuine joy#like i fr feel like a character it’s such a harmless way of making myself happy#AND it makes me happier w how i look bc on top of the red I’ve leaned more into grunge aesthetic lately#bc i used to be too scared to whereas now I’m really enjoying it#like i cant remember the last time i was this comfortable in myself physically and that's kinda a big deal for me#fr find an aesthetic you love and just go with it idc if it’s silly I can’t recommend it enough
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lately i've been finding it so so hard to be positive and hopeful. and it's making me so bitter and hateful. i hate it but i dont know what to do about it
#idk it's just all too much to deal w#i have sm pains and physical discomforts. money issues. stress bc my avpd is making school very hard for me to finish#i have suicidal thoughts and really bad anxiety every single day. i've basically begged the mental health care system for help for 7 months#like i've kept contacting them and asking them but they havent done anything at all for me. i dont even get to see anyone and talk#i just dont know what to do or how to handle it#im so stressed abt the future. i have to finish school but then choose smth so i can go to school/get a degree & get a job#im holding my mom down and back and i need to find a way to kove out from her and support myself#i have no friends to meet or hangout with and destress with etc etc and im really feeling the lack of it#idk the list just goes on and on and on#nothing is working and idk how to fix it. but also i know that me and only me have to find a way bc there is no help#i struggle bc of my avpd and mental health but there is no treatment for me to get. they just dont wanna give me *any* help at all#im just so frustrated. and every day is the same. everyday is full of some physical pain anxiety stress worries suicidal thoughts etc etc#i cant break free idk how!!!! my life is so fkn boring and pathetic and miserable#i never get to relax bc all of a sudden last year i got extremely noise sensitive. and it's never quiet anywhere in this city#anyway yeah i could just keep going. and like now im feeling anxious bc my tooth is aching :((#it -everything- never stops or lets up or relents. and it makes me wanna die even more.#so... idk im just incapable of being hopeful abt anything and that's really killing me idk
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i think human nature/family of blood is a really good two parter in how it manages to show how full of shit ten is 🫶
#look . i LOVE ten . esp whatevers going on w him in s3 he's horrible and i like that#but just !! martha :(#its so incredibly unfair to martha he doesnt unleash his wrath on the Family he chooses to hide instead and okay yeah fair#and sure u can say the tardis chose the setting and time period for them to hide in but like#did that not filter in to his calculations he went through all that turned himself human put his friendship with martha to the test in#the worst way possible. knowing she wouldn't let herself leave him even if he was Abhorrent towards her (and he was) because#of her duty to the universe and beyond and whatever . to blend in and keep the Family off their tails#and she's put in a demeaning position and degraded and even he doesn't seem to care much for her but she still hangs on#and then in the end its like its all for naught. all that pain and suffering martha went through being the only one w her wits about her#he had the capacity to deal w the threat the whole time he had the ability to dole out a horrible punishment he could definitely#have dealt with them a different way than that too .#and instead in his quest to be the bigger person he ends up putting martha through the horrors and then#does the same with the Family anyway ! i dont think he can ever tell her how harshly he dealt with them#surely this isnt an original thought im just thinking Way too much about blue moon by niki#he Does care more about being good than being good to her specifically !! and its so upsetting theyre so volatile i miss them#its more complicated than that sure but at the same time. it sort of isnt .#anyway martha jones my love my life u deserved at least a billion apologies alongside the thanks like god . whats wrong w him#oh and also he wants to move on without properly talking about it . act as if it never happened#like girl be fucking considerate for ONCE she just went through a personal hell for you !!! how insanely lonely she must of been#i dont believe martha ever let him just brush past it w no acknowledgement like yes i think she definitely didnt want to discuss the#accidental confession but i Do think she would sit him down to finally get him to Accept he cant just take her wherever in the past#if he's not ready to look out for her . its a vital conversation i think they need to have otherwise martha would just walk out there#not even love could make her stay through that its been established already she has the strength to try walk away#and also to try and but through his bullshit and demand answers . and here more than ever she deserves his acknowledgement and he Knows it
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i am at the looking-at-dolls-as-self-soothing part of the night. i definitely wanna beef up my bratz collection since unboxing my alwayz bratz yasmin was just like... oh... oh man... and... and i didn't think it'd be like that for me man i didn't think i had as much nostalgia for bratz as i actually do not just buy owning some but by touching them and playing w their clothes and their hair.
and one of my issues of course is that i'm a redhead and as a redhead my Default Lookalike Doll is meygan (not that having a doll that looks like you is the most important part of bratz, but it is so much of the fun right? the fact that there's a character out there for just about everyone?). and i like meygan as a character well enough, that's not the issue. but of the meygan dolls that have been reproduced, there's none of them that are like, hardcore needs for me except for sweetheart meygan. and i did not buy sweetheart meygan in time. i was not really collecting at that point. that was like 2022. i had a few... na na na surprise dolls at that time. which is funny bc i have four of those that i got all either on clearance or w giftcards and i do really like them even though a lot of doll collectors thought they were kinda dumb, and they were. i just liked the gimmick of the fabric bodies and there were just enough dolls i thought were really cute that i kinda caved at one point. i also knew it was a brand i wouldn't go overboard with. anyway. we were talking about meygan...
sorry meygan back to you girl. i know original 2000s bratz that have not yet been reproduced at crazy expensive on the secondhand market and it's genuinely out of control. but sweet heart meygan, both the repro and the original, are selling for triple digits on mercari, ebay, what have you. that's just ridiculous. frankly. i'm not buying her at that. i don't even like her enough to hunt for her regularly, if that's how it's gonna be. there are plenty of more readily-available bratz dolls that are either regular retail price or clearancing online andin stores. did you guys know alwayz bratz jade is going for 15 bucks on amazon right now? that's crazy. the other always bratz dolls aren't going for that low if they're even marked down yet. that release wasn't even that long ago. anyway i'm thinking of getting jade from that line bc i know some ppl thought that alwayz jade was a let-down, but i thought she was cute. yasmin was my favorite from that line and that's why i got her but jade was my second fave there easily.
i also wanna get the kumi they reproduced sometime and maybe girls nite out cloe since i see she's still available. it's funny there aren't that many core girls i've wanted from the repros but if i go for any of the cloes, new or old, it's gotta be girls nite out. cloe isn't even usually my favorite character no offense blondes she's just kinda. she's just kinda cloe to me. idk i love her but i'm not gagged over her most of the time. these are still bratz standardz we're talking about here so obviously i love her.
there's nothing going on in the world right now other than my bratz dolls. and if someone we won't mention wins the election, i'm definitely going doll crazy. i'm gonna be buying dolls after this anyway, but i'm gonna justify spending an unusual, nearly-irresponsible amount of money. you know. bc i'm an adult and i can.
hey also and of all the lines they could've reproduced why is their most recent slumber party? why? why? when the poll posted by mga had tokyo a go go WINNING? bc tokyo a go go is the correct option? i mean the slumber party line is cute and i like the base dolls and the accessories especially the stuffed animals are cute. but. everyone knows the bratz audience these days is adult collectors. which adult collectors are losing their minds over dolls in pajamas and bathrobes? again they're CUTE. but why. also why did they reproduce bratz babyz when those things were nightmare fuel
#tales from diana#yeah and i have the jimmy paul pride two-pack w roxxi and nevra arriving tomorrow :)#i'm still probably gonna buy all these dolls i'm talking about at some point but i'm just gonna space them out#now is a pretty good time to be a budding bratz collector bc there have been AFFORDABLE OPTIONS once again#but they are not all that way#and i'm so happy for my own sake that i had no emotional investment w the mean girls dolls bc that shit was ridiculous#fuck mga for that one for real#yeah the bratz i have now are the alwayz yasmin and the campfire felicia repro#i should've unboxed felicia first bc i honestly like her better and her hair (being braided) would've been way less of a mess#i have to wash yasmin's hair and im worried about it bc i've never washed doll hair before#but i'm gonna be so honest w you. the state that shit was in? was borderline unacceptable. lol#it's so hard and gelled that i cannot just brush it or anything#the back ie what you could not see in the box is especially nasty... like come on#the alwayz bratz as much as i do like them overall are not the same quality as 2000s bratz. i have to say#not just bc they don't come w a second outfit but the fabric quality and construction just isn't what it used to be#they're still good dolls don't get me wrong. but i feel like they're less pressured bc of how cheap barbies are nowadays#they don't have to put in the same elbow grease to be 'better'#anyway i'm glad i'm talking about bratz dolls which are the only thing that matter in the world to me right now#la la la la la i'm plugging my ears. la la la la la nothing is going on#i have to get a sasha at some point too but idk which one i want? and i want one that's on shelves now not a secondhand. not dealing w that#i think i'll hold onto the hope of tokyo a go go being reproduced bc that's one of my favorite sashas. & she's the best in that line imo#her hair and makeup are just gorgeous and her outfit is adorable#that's like peak sasha and peak bratz to me#but i also like the new pretty n punk sasha. idk. i will wait for suuuuure. don't rush diana#i don't think i wanna have more than one doll of any character before i have a more extensive bratz collection#so who i choose to get for the core 4 is vital... i'm happy w my current yasmin though. the other 3 are kinda up in the air
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bridgerton fans on tumblr save me bc the ppl over on twitter are choosing to be obtuse on purpose…
I’ve never been opposed to being a little shit over content/media we all consume but my god ppl just wake up and decide to be assholes on the internet for no reason. cant say how many people I’ve blocked bc of it 😧
long story short, if you don’t like what the season will offer for any reason at all, please do us a favor and don’t watch it. Please we are begging. Some of us want to get lost in the fake regency and pretty dresses and plenty of fucking. not everything has to be another reason why you think teenagers who write burn books are the literal worst ppl to walk the planet or how you don’t find fat people hot. Both are valid and fine but don’t come into a working kitchen and be surprised people are using the utensils.
#bridgerton#I cannot believe how many of these I’ve come across#poor Nicola thought she would be getting dragged over being leading lady#and luke put into the spotlight has to deal w sm shit#charithra and literally all the cast members#all the expectations are there. no one has to be here if it’s not their thing#it’s like when you clearly have a tag that says dead dove do not eat and ppl still choose to open it and be surprised about whts inside#then again I’m the dumb one for expecting something more considering how much shit simone got for being Indian#I’ll say it rn the books were good but in a rare case the shows are better#so. to the ppl. go cry abt it ig
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pretty sure i just got a spider bite while trying to fall asleep 🧍
#i thought it was just a stray hair on my elbow under the blanket and kept trying to shake it off#and then i finally went to brush it off w my hand and felt a bump there#and then it was unbearably itchy so i turned the lamp on to apply some anti-itch stuff bc it was driving me nuts#and i was trying to see where it was on my elbow bc wtf when did i get bit#and then i looked at it and it was very pale like a fresh bite and then there was some skin torn like a spider bite#i cant tell if theres two little holes or not and honestly idk if spiders always leave two fang marks fjdkdl#but it doesnt look like a mosquito bite unless i tore the skin myself from scratching at it#but the way it is looking... very similar to past spider bites#anyways i just removed everything from my bed and methodically searched Everything. looked all around the bed too. cannot find a spider#so. shrug. <- actually very afraid#but the thing that makes me Really think it's a spider is that the bump was super pale and now after a little while it is regular skintone#so that makes me think it was a brand new fresh bite the way it was a different colour and now its normal looking#which is uhhh scary! to have had a spider possibly in my bed!#and I can't find it so i simply do not Know and that is going to make it so hard to sleep tonight fjfkdl#man i barely ate today too so im just... really not doing well at this very moment fjfkdl#i cant eat anything rn though bc i already brushed my teeth and i dont want to do that again tonight fjfkdl#but i am. so hungry. augh. idk what I'd even eat anyways im too anxious to stomach anything#WHERE IS THIS SPIDER. WHY DID IT CHOOSE MY BED TO BE IN 😭#im in bed so often ... it should avoid places where ppl are ....#i feel like such shit rn fjdkdl i just rly wish i didnt have to deal w all these bugs#in the past month I've had a couple spiders and Several(!) weevils and a centipede and a clicker beetle and a couple earwigs#im just so tired of bugs i rly am fjfkdl idk why they choose to come inside and idk HOW they're getting inside#i hate living in a basement!!#i just want to sleep so i dont have to deal w being awake for a while fjdkls but now im all freaked out#i want to curl into a little ball and blink out of existence I'll be so honest rn. im just. idk.#✨ I don't think I have a place in society ✨ i am not a good enough person to exist in the world ✨#i dont want to go to sleep bc what if the spider comes back fjfkdl i wish i would've found it so i could've trapped it#and then let it outside tomorrow! i wouldnt have even killed it. the universe should've given me that one bc im so niceys#unfortunately the universe doesnt play nice w me fjfksl#spider tw
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further thoughts re: [idea behind mitb] & [winston billions]
that ofc the specific situation of mitb of even being so thrown into a seismic shift in perspective in this moment, brought on by like whoa what if actually being alone / rejected by the person who was always on my side, like winston in canon can't ever be in that position lmao like even with the continual [people turn on him] moments, nobody was ever actually on his side in the first place & people only Turn from [less of negative attention upon him] to [more]
But then pointing to like wait, one thing, the very ending: all you know about me is my name / awesome party, i'm so glad i came [cha cha cha] like assign that to winston's departure from straightforward in-office employee with the fun details of: • we don't even know his name, rare No Last Name Ever Bothered With for any recurring character, much less one who's been around for seasons. just quant things • probably only any party b/c he arranged it for himself (what arrogance, as opposed to being pointedly ignored / denied baseline acknowledgments as deserved) & • nonzero people pointedly refusing to attend b/c they hate him more than anything, as opposed to the people who do attend to express hostility & contempt as per the I'm The Ultra Cool Guy Normal Person(tm) ideal of "if i interact with / observe someone & consider them such a Lesser / Other to me & issue whatever disparaging cues, any third parties would totally recognize my superiority" uhh nnnyeThis guy, umm ohh kayyy lol. scoff sneer etc. Extremely epic yes
also shoutout to billions for both Needing to show us that "uh lol winston can't just Get to Leave" expression of contempt / vicarious power trip But also that's not enough lmfao like he really can't get to leave, casting its yugioh card of "essence of [most dangerous time in an abusive relationship? trying to leave it]" like again, You Don't Get To, then Uh Oh winston in leaving is not only acting without permission but in doing so is denying us our property! time for some assaulting & stalking & killing :) figuratively we swear but who would know what nonexistent mitb happens :)) wheee haha Hell yeah so affirmed & fulfilled in our power & superiority. wretchedly like why is this also what happens with wendy & axe at the end of s5 as axe resents wendy not acting like his property / without his permission & gets vindictive & aggressive & it's like okay well with the stalking & surveilling in the mix i'm sure wendy will now finally get to be Done. wrong! reveling in romance (dragged over glass) as wendy is sooo special that she can still just Understand & Choose Loyalty even as unideal as axe was, truly, she's powerful enough to handle axe :) unlike other bitches who'd get all hysterical & give up. selfish
also speaking of the "you have to pay attention & listen to how this guy feels for 5 minutes" like with pointed [my personal perspective & considering Just Like Real Life] i don't like, especially with canon, really have that for winston in terms of like that even if people Had to listen, which would be the only way they did b/c winston Does express how he feels at all & it gets pointedly ignored / suppressed / punished, like they wouldn't change their perspective lol. when i consider "well winston could hope they would, think they might, want & try for this" like i don't consider that it would work lol, definitely not based on canon dynamics, where Just Like The Perspective Of The Show Itself like winston can seize some opportunity & express himself "perfectly" but it wouldn't work b/c everyone's already decided to think of him as inferior & not a person & will continue choosing to do so / choosing to play into the idea of their superiority rather than letting it be threatened, much less embracing that & questioning themselves / that concept. Oops Same Essence once again when like all that's questioned about Power is that only Meritous, Truly benevolent godlike individuals ought to have it :) no problems detected when wendy is really exactly the same as prince b/c of course she'd have to be when it's just "nothing wrong with seeing people as inferior, in fact it's inevitable & necessary & good & we love it, just so long as Really superior people are correctly arranged in the hierarchy over Really inferior 'people' who i'm not really hurting or wronging or using when they bring it upon themselves & are wrong in their lesserness"
so like shoutout again to "billions is like, the song 'be more chill' in be more chill, seeing the squip as the protagonist like yes wheee yay tell jeremy everyone's right to treat him as they do & he brings it upon himself & should be dead & twist his arm however you want to get this" only i think in bmc you can interpret that the squip really does want to "redeem" jeremy by forcing him to become a different person & all & just conform to the norm & play & win the game....billions might Supposedly want that, framing wendy using & toying with other people's lives & feelings as she sees fit as Necessary, Correct, & Magnanimous, but really like oh no wendy doesn't even really "fix" people b/c welp there's still the hierarchy of ranking on everyone's Inherent unequal personhood & we can't all be the most special best person in the world like wendy but she can Redeem us a little bit if we're not the lost causes too inferior to recognize & defer to Her superiority. plus she's busy with the enrichingly complicated & important cases of: enabling someone like axe :) like billions is just into the power trip really of like "wow yeah you're correct in judging that person as inferior & bringing it upon themself" & "really" fixing someone by killing them & replacing them with an allistic person e.g. isn't actually of that much interest b/c then the power trip would, theoretically, be done with. no thanks
meanwhile perhaps some restraint for this last point brought on by Oops already verbalizing a lot but the one thing i did only just think of was like, obviously winston comparable to jeremy & the material surrounding jeremy But i was like oh hey i kind of think of the winston & tuk dynamic as glimpsed in canon & extrapolated upon thusly as respectively michael & jeremy esque & sure never framed it that way to myself lol. this duo of like the ultimate losers around but who can kind of obviously also bond / deliberately unionize over this; winston as the "well they'll treat me like this either way so i may as well do my own thing fully at least" more confident one while tuk is similar enough & it's like oh i can be not just myself but More myself with this person than maybe i even am Alone alone & we like each other & have fun & i'm encouraged &c & so on, being a bit more "ah jeez :( i do kind of try to see if i can manage to play by the rules better & maybe be killed less," & even sure have thought about the conflicts that could arise as like "yeah it's good if winston being around me can kind of insulate me & involve encouragement But Then Also downsides like, can it feel overbearing if just feeling eclipsed by winston's personality, if feeling like yeah following winston's lead helps me but what if that defines me too much / what about getting by outside that, can encouragement from that Confident Vivacious personality feel pushy?" all very much like that conflict jeremy & michael have of jeremy wanting to change things up & figure out his relationship with himself & what he can do through that a little bit more, hardly able to express that to himself much less michael, michael who doesn't know quite what's going on & but of course is also affected by how people treat him, as we did know but yknow impossible to have real serious feelings & act vivacious & cheerful, & feels supported by his relationship / dynamic w/jeremy too....wouldn't be the same b/c there's no high school scifi plot & also like, no [um frivolous teen problems are for teens only. adults don't do the bullying & popularity & insecurity &c] as has been said lol like it doesn't just Stop, but that like they Are older so probably could have an at all easier & more successful time talking through things & understanding their own feelings, but always fun to imagine some drama & conflict sure lol like even just a period of some Confusion / Mixed Feelings like ah new good friends with tuk but maybe tuk withdraws / avoids winston a bit then to try to take a breath & get perspective from a step back, maybe it can seem to winston like we're having a good time what a promising new relationship but then sudden/confusing irritation with me / some apparent rejection, an easy issue is just like as seems to be canon lol like well nobody's known winston for eons here, just met, winston's Already got the independently big personality / doing his own things mode, could be hard to warm up to that / even Understand it, especially in [hierarchy play the game kill each other it's them or you] bullying world anyway. however also tuk has ben who is also sort of relatively on the Less outwardly bold seeming side who is also there to buffer or insulate or intervene, But that can also just be [same issue parallel to jeremy/michael] lmao like does it mitigate it or exacerbate it or bit of both / varyingly, depending. do we all kiss at the same time
#winston billions#bmc#oh honorable mention: my [winston ''solve my riddles'' sphinx billions. but also different] idea#''solve my riddles'' = understand what he is getting at when he expresses himself#even extended to understanding some Truth which has to be known here even if winston doesn't think that already himself#hence an involuntary aspect like consider something of a figurative gate you can't get through without giving the correct answer#oops something in reality has manifested some form of a physical barrier. just can't [xyz] in whatever way#& then leave it at something like that w/all possible what ifs & complications#like wouldn't necessarily Require people change their perspective on him even then. just gives him Some more leverage than he has#could just resent & dismiss him still; still think you're ''humoring'' him at most / like oh even if he Thinks he feels that way. it's not#like it's actually real b/c his personness / thoughts / feels / &c aren't Real like mine/ours#unless there's some added layer like ''no you do have to both understand & internalize'' lmaooo#sphinx whose pronouns you have to use as someone who respects them. oh nope they can tell you think you're just humoring them for as long#as it takes to get past them as you want to do....meanwhile if say winston powers (sounds like a name. imagine. jimmy powers)#keep his feelings from being trampled via certain actions ppl want to take But. to have those feelings Known just makes them trampled in#another way b/c ppl aren't gonna choose to start actually respecting them / Not considering themselves Superiors#like i don't even wanna share them or say Yes That's How I Feel or even implicitly verify info by [oh okay Now we can do xyz] & yet?#am i forced to; are people gonna twist my arm; send someone to Be Sympathetic but really just to get the info for practical purposes#all scenarios soooo different from real life shit ppl can deal with all the time lmaooo....
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it's so crazy I'm being vague posted about with my own screenshots from my own kindle by teenagers who will stan Rhys and be anti Nesta and will still say its different that Tamlin was abusive towards Feyre but not Rhys with Feyre/Nesta. like. babygirl, they're both abusive. both of them. they are doing the same thing of abusing their power. considering I have this girl blocked, I'm guessing someone is possibly doing the leg work for her
#idk man its exhausting dealing with children on the internet who pick and choose their flavor of abuse#are yall This obsessed with me#if nesta Was abusive AGAIN how does this cancel it out? rhys is still abusive? hes abusing his wife hes abusing Nesta like lol come on now#it doesn't? cancel out? the power dynamics between rhys and nesta are INSANE. power dynamics are uh kinda a hallmark trait in abuse#nesta being an abusive sister does not get canceled out by Rhys using his power as a HL on her Body#imagine the president using his Uthority to take away his wifes sisters HOME along with eveeyone rlse who lived there#also not that kid arguing nestas alcoholism against a NURSE???? it is literally on google too ffs#bookishfeylin is a medical professional 💀#nesta abusing alcohol? yes. Nesta an alcoholic? NO#some of the teenagers ive met are so insightful and i enhoy talking w them about these books but why must most of the ppl i deal with#Harassing me be teenagers
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i’ve got headaches and bad luck, but they couldn’t touch you, no
rayvio sketchdump. i will drag you all down with me 💜🖤
#banging my fists on the table EMO KIDS EMO KIDS EMO KIDDDDDDSSSSSS#walk with me. she totally kissed him just to ~get it out of her system~ and it backfired SEVERELY now she has to deal w all these. feelings#bc he would never initiate no matter how much he likes her (which is a fucking lot trust me besties trust me) aidjunskasdjklds#they saw you from across the bar and fucking hate your vibe#they’re so punk rock to meeee oh my god do you get it DO YOU GET IT#gentle reminder that punk is inherently gnc and rayvio is bi4bi to me xoxo ily#this doodle dump was so fun i borrowed some Pinterest poses to break up my brain worms and tried new brushes on all of them hehe#also rereading the manga i think Vi has lighter eyes than what I’ve given her here but i rly like the idea of her having big brown eyes so.#I spent literally so long choosing the perfect FOB lyric (i knew immediately but had to comb through everything just in case)#Nikki draws#the promised neverland#rayvio#Rachel please see this lmao
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parents be like, i understand that signs of depression include things like having difficulty leaving the bed/house, general lack of energy, messed up sleep schedule, not eating etc. not my daughter tho she does all that because she wants to and bc shes lazy
#they genuinely think i like living like this. they think i stay in bed all day and dont sleep bc i think thats fun. they think i dont do#activities i promised id to bc im lazy or irresponsible. i dont know if they just like#Know all those things about depression in an intelectual level but cant realize that thats what that is when confronted with how it looks#like in reality#if theyre choosing not to see it bc its easier to deal w me in their heads if im just lazy#if theyre just... dumb and blind#or if they think the few months where i was taking antidepressants after my half baked sui attempt cured me forever#idk#but i dont have the courage or energy to break it to them (again) so ig we're just waiting until i get so bad i blows up (again)
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they should invent a grief thats uncomplicated and purely cathartic to experience. has anyone thought of this before
#cw death#not to be ungrateful that when i get tired of 'feeling guilty abt putting off ur trip to go see family until the summer bc u didn't want to#have to deal w international travel over winter break and now ur grandma who u haven't seen in 8 years is dead' i can distract myself with#'being furious that your family wasn't going to tell u she died until u came home for the summer' or 'giving urself a headache abt whether#you're even allowed to be upset that she died when u grew up hearing stories abt how horrible she was to ur mom' or#'being irrationally and unfairly jealous that your dad has multiple siblings who could all take turns checking in on her and sitting with#her in the hospital bc u definitely will not get that when ur parents die' or 'getting paranoid abt how ur OTHER set of grandparents#might die and/or go fully blind before u get to see them (also for the first time in 8 years) this summer'#like. not to be ungrateful to have so much enrichment to choose from in my enclosure#but have we considered just like.....being sad. and that's it.#lmao literally as i was writing this my mom texted me 'it's already happened just move on' so BACK TO SQUARE ONE!#anyways like it's fine lol. we (obviously) were not close. and also she was a full 98 years old lmao like it was her time.#but also truly. what goes on lol
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going back to my apartment tmrw. everything just feels kind of incorrect rn i cant describe it
#bella.txt#like ok my parents moved to be 3 hrs away from where they used to live#but my friends + my grandma r still where my parents used to live#so i have to choose btwn being w/ parents and my dogs or being w/ friends and grandma#and it's not like. a SHORT drive at all. 3 hrs on a good day w/ minimal traffic#+ it takes 7hrs to get from my parents to my apartment but only 4ish from my grandmas to my apartment#so i wanted to be.. over here.. before heading back to school#but idk things worked out so weirdly i only saw my one friend once and i missed her bday and i didnt see my other friend at all and i left#y parents and dogs earlier than i wanted and for no reason bc i didnt even go see anyone i just went to my grandma's immediately like#idk this probably sounds like it's not a big deal but i feel so weird i feel like i didnt plan right how to split my time#and now i'm leaving and idk when i'll be back#and i dont have to go tomorrow but i also. do? kind of? i dont know#kill my entire brain why cant i just think normally abt these things
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OMG I GET MY HAIR CUT 2MORROW I JUST REMEMBERED
#sfw#🍯#IM SO FUCKIN READY#ive wanted it cut 4 literal months#u dont understand#maybe ill also get some dye idk#depends on how my mothers feelin bc m an adult who can choose her own hair color#but also i have 2 still live w my mother until i go back 2 school n i dont rlly wanna deal w her#so#well see lol
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gay n bi men dont tend to rly talk abt this stuff alot bcuz we know it wont go anywhere, the normal ppl who care r going to be conscious of it and act like normal fucking people and the ppl who dont just ignore it or may just say they care soo much and totally support us and dont want us to deal w these things!! while their actions def dont come off that way at all. esp when ppl just do not care enough to say anything bcuz we r just not worth saying anything or they r scared of being made fun of or harassed for saying they dont think like some homophobic joke is funny. but anyway it does wear on u its why a lot of us stay pretty far out of anything ‘fandom’ adjacent and just hang out w each other and other normal ppl on the sidelines lol. bunch of dudes in a circle passing images of galolio promare to each other and saying dont look outside man its weird as fuck out there
#like most of my prmare followers n mutuals r other gay n bi guys#u wouldnt know it from ppl making their 'isnt it soo funny n strange how only wlw like [media w good n normal m/m] lol so weird' jokes#like u guys have 2 stop fucking saying that cuz how is it not reading as embarrassing to admit that u dont know any of us#I KNOW U KNOW WE WATCH MOVIES N MAKE SHIT FOR IT. WE JUST DONT APPEAL TO /YOU/ SO U DONT LIKE IT#its not Relatable to u so youd rather get ur gayboys from ppl who match ur identity#that way u can avoid the discomfort of having to interact w real life gay guys#who will see how u talk abt characters like us#likeit just says more abt u than anything. it says a lot abt who ur choosing 2 engage with#if media w m/m is good n normal then we r There. it is on u if u r ignoring us#ppl dont rly want to deal w their own bigotries they just want to have a Fun Fandom Experience at the expense of other ppl#obligatory this is obv not saying everyone is like this this is more yeah this is def a major thing we have 2 deal with#even trying very hard to avoid Fandom Shit bcuz a lot of these ppl r Fandom Haters themselves
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