#and i get if how you cope with reality is through fiction like me too but it's just. hunger games is not fiction. that's the whole point

[significant-ace-nnoyance]

has anyone else been feeling uncomfortable with the reaction to the new hunger games book? like i dont mean any hate but i feel like ive been seeing so many people saying how excited they are as a hunger games fan because they love escaping from reality in fiction .

like bestie what reality. what fiction . we are literally living and breathing dystopia the hunger games is happening all around us how are you treating this like a normal ya commodity

[noxtivagus]

I LOVE FINAL FANTASY SO MUCH

[neil-gaiman]

Hi Neil.

I know you are flooded with asks and this somehow became extremely long. Too long. “Why am I suddenly telling this poor man my life story?” too long. “I think I’d rather he work on the GO3 script than read this wild beast” too long. “He’s going to think you’re criminally dangerously insane” too long. If you never get to it, I’m good with never seeing a response from you. Maybe it’s better that way? Maybe an anon would have been nice here. But, it’s 2024, so I say “we ball.” It’s a privilege to be able to send this to you at all. You get a lot to this effect and I hope they give you good feels, so maybe what’s the harm, yeah? Because this is not an ask. This is a thank you letter.

First, thanks for reblogging my therapist post, I hope it amused you. I nearly sent you “How am i supposed to explain this to my therapist?!” But refrained. At that time.

So, therapy. What is therapy really? Well…

Things have been really rotten for as long as I can remember. Bad health, bad doctors, bad relationships, bad coping mechanisms, bad all kinds of things. (Yeah, bad is a weak and unhelpful word, my therapist reminds me, but we’re doing this.)

Well, things got even more really really rotten and BAD these last few years. Health declined further, coping mechanisms declined further and more intensely, packed up my life, applied for disability, moved back in with my parents across the country.

Then 4 years ago last week I watched my fiance die of a sudden heart attack. I was 29. Two years later my best friend died. Then last summer I sauntered vaguely into a cancer scare. Not long before an operation my cat who has been my companion through so much garbage died as well. I’m not entirely in the clear on the cancer scare front. All my attempts at going back to work, volunteering, going to grad school - they collapsed on me because I couldn’t get through this STUFF.

(Sometimes when I talk about this, when I tell people, I think “they are going to think you are a raging pathological liar.” Because I’m not sure I would believe someone if they told me all of this happened to them. In such a short time period. All before they were 35. And hell if that hasn’t been isolating. You know how it sounds? Lonely. And it is.)

I did the hypervigilant and sensation/experience chasing stage of PTSD. It got me in a lot of trouble in all kinds of ways. I had to do a lot of medical and psych advocating because things kept getting worse. That was exhausting. Then that peaked. I went into the thick of the “I feel absolutely nothing” stage for a long time. I didn’t feel fatigue or hunger or thirst. Not people, feelings, a reason. Not hope.

But of course, like seems be for a lot of us, I somehow found Good Omens at just the right time. I was a very “I’m so cool and intellectual I mostly consume non-fiction media” person for too long. Like, what? How is that even a real thing? And it wasn’t real. It was just part of this curated autism mask that I don’t think anyone really bought anyway.

I think I got to a point where I’d just had too much reality. I needed fantasy. I didn’t realize I always needed it. But I denied myself for too many odd and painful reasons. Maybe I thought it was an escape I didn’t deserve.

But as it turns out, it wasn’t an escape. I watched both seasons last fall, and then this light came on. I watched it again and again.

I came to tumblr because I needed more. I found this fandom. I stepped into this beautiful world of fanart and fanfiction and brain flexing meta writing and a sense of community and wonder that you and Terry created - that everyone involved in the show inflated - exploded in the right way - like fireworks if fireworks were some kind of autocatalytic reaction - a self perpetuating force.

It’s not a “saved my life” feeling. Not a “getting my life back” feeling. It’s been a “maybe it’s time for you to have the life you’ve always been denied - that you’ve denied yourself” feeling.

I’m creating. I’m not “great” yet. Not terribly “good” at all. Maybe “behind” as far as the “proper” timeline for starting. I know there isn’t one, not really, but boy does that society machine make ya feel like there is. And sure, I started and stopped a lot in the past. But the second it got hard I always gave up. I felt like if I didn’t get it “right” to begin with, then I just didn’t have it in me at all. But for once I’m really in it. I’m writing and trying to draw things that look less like fever dream five year old drawings. (Not that there’s anything wrong with those, is there? 🙃) I’m eating better. I’m sleeping better. I reach out to old friends more. I’ve made new friends who share this love of Good Omens.

My therapist has been floored by the change in me. After that first funny mini flop, he has been so encouraging about it. I saw him this week and I said “Maybe this is helping me get prepared to start living again. Maybe it’s a springboard.” And he honest to god said “But You ARE living. This is YOU LIVING. Why does it have to be a springboard? Why do you have to turn this into ‘work?’ Just let yourself have this for once in your life.”

But there were two more added elements that made it all work. And I can’t help but think this whole brainrot thing wouldn’t have happened without them. So many things just happened all at just the right time - a proper coincidence.

In all of the madness of the last few years I finally got the memo that I'm autistic. i figured I was for a while. But it finally sunk in for me and my docs and my people. So I’d been working on unpacking that. Grieving the life that could have been entirely different, shedding the mask. I let myself hyperfixate openly instead of hiding it and hating myself for “spiralling” or “obsessing” like others -!like ‘I’ always punished myself for before we knew that it was a trait and not a personality flaw.

Then over the last few months my therapist and I started trying this new exercise. One session he stopped me and said “in the last 20 minutes you have responded to what I’ve said with 9 ‘I knows.’” My response to that? “Ugh, I know.” So we started this “I know” swear jar type situation. Really, I’ve been afraid of not knowing. I couldn’t let myself “not know.” Because it meant I was “dumb.” I was just drowning for so long in guilt and self loathing for the “I knew better and screwed up anyway.” Or “I should’ve known better - I should know that by now.”

As it turns out, there’s a lot of things I don’t know. That I didn’t know. Things I will never know. And refusing to admit all of that kept me from learning a damn thing. Kept me from asking questions. Kept me from trying new things because it was scary to do something new - something unknown - and I "knew" how it would all turn out anyway. Kept me from connecting with people because it was painful or embarrassing when they knew things I didn’t and it seemed like I already should have. Kept me from getting better at making art, music, writing. Kept me from forgiving myself. Kept me from growing. And kept me from moving forward. Maybe not on. I don’t know if we ever “move on” from things. But we can move forward as we carry them. And as we do, the weight gets less. We’re able to carry it better. But only if we can admit that we don’t know how. Only if we don’t treat ourselves like this is something we do know or should know and we’re just failing because we’re less than. Not good enough. Not strong enough. Not deserving. We have to be able to say “I don’t know how to do this.” And then we can start looking for the answers. We can ask. We can learn.

I thought about the apple. Being able to tell the difference between good and evil. Aziraphale’s years and years of watching what he “knows” to be true be proven wrong. Crowley’s need to ask questions…

The simple and enormous gift of “Knowledge.” The “Knowledge” of the difference between Good and Evil. The “Knowledge” that can only be gained by realizing, accepting, admitting that there are things we don’t know. Asking the questions. Sometimes we get answers we don’t like. Sometimes the consequences of asking hurt us. And unless you want to stay in that painful place that painful knowledge got you, well, you’ve got to let yourself learn how to get out.

So all of this good? I never expected this. I never thought I deserved it. Joy and belonging and this sense that “Yeah, maybe things can get better. Maybe things can be good.” Because I said those things, not truly believing them, to the people I thought needed to hear it. But it couldn’t save them. It was hollow. The proof for us wasn’t really in our orbit or on our radar at the time. And now they’re gone.

People always say “it’s never too late.”

One of the people I lost said “it’s later than you think.”

I jokingly would respond “it’s already too late.”

It was for him in the end. For them. For some people I guess it really is. But maybe a lot of the “too late” people are there because they think “they know” that things will never be good for them. So they stop looking, they stop asking, stop finding. And eventually they just stop.

Then there came Crowley’s “It’s always too late.” The first time I heard it I thought “For sure, Crowley-cakes, I KNOW.”

But then…I just needed to rewatch the whole thing. And lines like that…familiar things…familiar themes…I was suddenly identifying with these characters. I suddenly saw myself. And the realization hit - I connected with something! Something new. And I FELT THAT. And that tiny little crack that made in the wall was just enough to start breaking it down. Yeah, when you start letting yourself feel after not feeling for so long, opening up to the good feelings means opening up to feelings and then the bad ones come out too. But when there IS good … it helps you balance. You can deal with the bad a little better because you’ve got the good thing to lean against when it gets too much. And now you’ve got feelings. You’ve got good and bad. You’ve got sticky foggy grey. You’ve got life.

Whew.

So, TLDR, thank you. From the bottom of my slowly healing heart, thank you.

And to sign off with some shits and giggles… I couldn’t find this in existence as a sticker so I had to custom order. Perhaps this will spread misery and panic among the humans of my city - or at least a malignant and creepy sense of unease.

Or maybe they’ll say “wtf” and go home and google it and they’ll fall into the Good Omens hole they never knew they needed too.

Thank you for this. I never quite know what to say to messages like this apart from I am really glad that it helps. (It becomes the weird extra piece that I worry about when writing season 3 -- hoping that it will be that thing again. Not just a story, but something that helps people feel and helps with healing and helps with love.)

[theodysseyofhomer]

if odysseus wanted have a good time sleeping around (or rather, if that's what the poet(s) wanted), he could simply do that. it's not like a male epic hero needed an excuse. what's unusual in the calypso situation is not that odysseus is sleeping with someone other than his wife; it's that the narrator affirms his unwillingness and misery.

and on the one hand, calypso is a misogynistic fantasy/nightmare in that she is a woman who can own a man in sexual slavery, which men in the world of the odyssey and of its composition do to women as a matter of course. on the other hand, she isn't a very common fantasy, is she? how often do you see a man held captive and raped in ancient literature?

or in contemporary literature, for that matter. i've had the 2013 article "the rape of james bond" saved to read for awhile (like... for a few months. not since 2013), which addresses more than the scope of this tumblr.edu post. but the author jumps off from the claim that constant sexual violence in fiction is needed for realism. she questions whether that is true in the way that it is often meant — e.g., whether the prevalence of rape in game of thrones is "realistic" to the middle ages — but she does argue that "sometimes, failing to acknowledge the risk of rape in circumstances where it would be particularly likely to be present can diminish the authenticity of a text."

[I]n so called Genre fiction, we love to strip away protection from our characters to give them an interesting job of coping on their own; parents are dead or absent or abusive, homesteads are burned down, authority figures are blinkered or oppressive; you can trust no one, for no one can hear you scream… And all these things will, in the real world, heighten a person’s vulnerability to all forms of violence, including sexual violence. So yes, realism does sometimes mean dealing with that vulnerability somehow or other. But that heightened vulnerability to sexual violence applies to men too. So where are they, all the raped male characters? People say, it would be unrealistic if she wasn’t raped, but take it for granted that of course he wasn’t. Why is that?

and yet here's the odyssey, one of the oldest extant pieces of literature, and we can't take it for granted, actually, that the pervasive threat of sexual violence in odysseus' world will never touch him.

the homeric epics include many, many enslaved people (of all genders) subject to implied rape (usually of women), and i won't pretend that's treated with the gravity it deserves. but the way calypso and odysseus are often dismissed makes me wonder if we're still not prepared for a specific kind of discomfort, rooted in the messaging we often get from fiction and society — though it does not reflect the reality of the lived experience of many people — that rape is always and only realistic when women go through it, because rape is what women and women uniquely are for.

[queermediaanysis]

Bottle It Up: the most tangible theme in OFMD s2

So looking at s2 through the (super fucked up) lens that Jim asking Frenchie “How are you handling all of this so well?” And Frenchie responding by saying he puts all the terrible things in a box in his mind and never opens it again was the lesson everyone was supposed to learn this season and like, that’s there in the text more than anything else and I hate that.

Frenchie is handling everything well because he’s putting it in the box and never addressing it again.

Izzy finally says he has love for Ed, everyone is worried about him, the atmosphere is toxic and suggests talking it through and Ed goes on deck and points a gun at everyone as he asks them to talk about it, and when Izzy finally does address the reality of things and speaks Stede’s name aloud he gets shot in the leg.

Lucius isn’t talking about what happened. Avoidant about the Rat Boy name at first, says he fell off the ship, can’t remember when he picked up smoking.

Stede asks Lucius to talk to him about what happened after he was pushed off the ship, and Lucius starts to and almost immediately Stede runs away saying to save the rest for Pete.

Lucius says he talks to Pete and Stede says “please tell me you held back on some of the darker stuff” and Lucius confirms he did because Pete got nauseous and started crying.

Lucius tells Stede he should look past the man he loves and examine all the awful things he did, but Stede brushes it off and doesn’t do that.

No one will tell Stede they killed Ed. (Arguably this is for their own safety as well but it fits the whole “we’re not talking about the hard stuff” theme so I’m including it)

Ed finds out Stede went home to Mary through Anne Bonny. Stede begins to try to explain but instead, Ed smashes his chair against the wall and walks off. They have a very brief conversation without mention that Stede was kidnapped by Chauncey then watched him die.

Ed gives his influencer non-apology that was clearly written by Stede to the crew, and everyone but Lucius and Izzy seem to have forgiven him. During the “apology” Jim talks about how it made them feel and Stede shushes them so Ed can keep not apologizing. Afterward, for some reason, Jim says immediately says “I thought it was pretty solid for him” Archie says that’s how it goes in situations like this, Roach has never heard an apology before so they’re all good apparently now.

Lucius pushes Ed off the ship but isn’t okay yet. We’re addressing the trauma here and trying to make it right (even if it’s in a messed up way); we’re finally talking about it directly, but Lucius isn’t okay after this.

Fang tells Ed he’s not mad at him because he got it all out of his system when they beat him to death.

The whole Lucius/Izzy exchange “A shark did this to me. Dangling my legs over the side of the ship, served me right too.” “Okay, that seems healthy. Using a bit of fiction to cover up your trauma.” “Not moving on is worse.” (Another point at which Lucius wants to resolve trauma and he’s told no, don’t talk about it)

Lucius is clearly coping poorly and tries again to talk to Pete about how he almost died and Pete says he should find him when he’s no longer thinking about his trauma (“find me when Blackbeard isn’t living rent free in your head”) and that Lucius should talk about how he lived instead. Lucius then seems to decide that he’s fine, proposes to Pete, and is seemingly okay after that. (5th point in the story when Lucius tries to talk about something to heal and is told no in some way, and here is when he finally seems to moves on and is played as “better” after this)

Izzy’s drinking a lot even after he’s not totally dysfunctional like at the end of ep4.

The only Ed apology to Izzy is “Sorry about your leg.” With no eye contact as he’s walking away. To which Izzy responds “Fuck off.” After Ed’s out of ear shot.

Stede suggests Ed can absolve himself of everything by “turning the poison into positivity” and selling his treasure he got during the time he was abusing the crew to buy party supplies. Stede later says at the party that yes, Ed has achieved turning the poison into positivity, though Ed has done nothing by throw money at the problem.

Stede ignores Ed’s warning about not being able to come back from killing in cold blood and kills Ned Low.

Stede is visibly upset and Ed goes to check on him and begins to start talking, but Stede wordlessly grabs him and slams him up against a wall and then they have sex (which Ed has requested to wait on) instead of talking about it.

Ed decides he’s leaving to become a fisherman because Stede is infamous now and Ed’s been wanting out of that life so there’s a brief disagreement where not much is said and then he leaves.

“I’m sorry I was such a dick.” Is the biggest apology we’ve gotten all season. It’s immediately dismissed as “you’re not a dick. Life’s a dick.”

No one in the crew seems to be mourning Izzy’s death and we as the audience seem expected to move on from it very fast. Avenging his death is proposed by Zheng but then it cuts to nope, we’re done with that and we’re inn keepers now instead. Put the terrible thing you’ve seen in the box and never open it again.

I’m definitely sure I forgot some of these and it felt at first that these were being set up to be played negatively because this is the don’t-bottle-it-up/healing-from-our-traumas show but that just doesn’t play out. Like so much of it’s either dismissed without reason, played as a joke, or framed as acceptable and the fact that I could pull so much more of this stuff out of the text than I could any other potential thematic element does has me just so baffled. I don’t know what to do with it.

[zutarasbuff]

My connection with Zuko & Zutara

I’ve always been so passionate about Zuko and the way his character has layers of complexity within the show. It is said that art inspires life. People often accuse Zuko stans of “having a lustful attitude toward a fictional character as the girls simply want him for his looks”. I believe it’s not the case. This is something I have always kept in my heart.

My reasons for being a part of the Zuko fandom are not just based on the show but on a personal level as well. Zuko helped me in coping with some of my worst nightmares, the trials that I believe were the hardest. One of my friends mocked my idea of Zuko as being too much obsessed with a fictional character. According to her, this was not normal and I should have gone to a therapist but I have seen the real world. I have seen how cruel the reality is, and in those moments it was his character that provided me comfort and strength.

Back when I was a child, I watched the season first and fell in love with the concept of “bending”. Honestly, at that time, I hated Zuko because of his mad hunt for Aang and the gang. I always wanted him to fail because, in my eyes, it was always Aang who was going to save the day (being the hero). As I grew up, I watched the season again and this time I looked at Zuko from a different perspective. It was something that I now noticed. I noticed how similar Zuko was to me because both of us had experienced the absence of our mothers in a very young age and this kept the trauma alive throughout our lives. In the show, we find that Zuko was emotionally abused by his father to be someone he didn’t want to be. I had gone through the same experience when I was always considered “not good enough as a daughter” no matter what I did to please my father.

Just like Zuko, I always had questions in my mind why did my mother leave me and where she was at the moment? Just like him it also turned me into a bitter person, a person who had a hard time trusting someone with all their heart. I looked at him and his struggle. Zuko is always ridiculed for his quest to “redeem his honor”, but the truth is if you have ever walked in his shoes, you will be able to find out that all he wanted was to be loved and accepted by his father because he had an absent parent. It is natural for a child to want the attention of a parent especially when one of the parents is absent. He did everything for Ozai. Just the way I made my career choices based on Papa’s willingness. I felt a strange connection with Zuko because both of us were the same. You will find that the hard shell of Zuko starts breaking when someone shows the slightest concern of care or love toward him. This is the sole reason why Zuko always pretends to be a cruel guy because he’s broken on the inside. He doesn’t want to give someone a chance to play with his emotions and make him vulnerable again because he knows the cost of it from his traumatic past.

This is how broken people are. I have gone through the same phase and in doing so I believe I must have hurt people who were kind like Mai and Uncle Iroh were to Zuko. It’s because people like us are afraid of falling in love and showing the slightest traces of weakness. We act strong because we have fought our demons hard. We are afraid of turning out to be the horrible version of our parents. Even Zuko kept on fearing that he might turn up to be like Ozai after being the Firelord. It’s because all his trauma, his hurt, his unspoken emotions, and his pain were still there and he knew it wouldn’t change.

As a lover, we find that he tries to save Mai from being blamed as the girlfriend of a banished prince, and for this reason, he breaks up but never forgets to care about her. As a person, who was broken in more than one way, I have done the same in the past. I built my walls so high so that no one could get hurt by my harshness, and my demons but even after that I never forgot to care for the people who were significant to me, because people like us know the consequences of inflicting hurt upon someone very well. Zuko to me is the guy who if was real would have understood me and people like me.

I know it might seem a bit bizarre to several people here, but I think I love this fictional person from the core of my heart because I know his traumas, his pain, and his hurt. It’s not easy to pretend that you are fine when you are clearly not okay. I love him because I believe that he would be the only person in the world who had an idea of my heart and traumas. When I ship him with Katara, I have this idea in my mind that she is the other person who lost her mother had issues with her father, and pretended to be happy despite all that she went through. Maybe it comes off as a selfish declaration but as a person who has gone through worse in life, somewhere in Katara I see a version of myself who is angry, hurt, and still feels safe with someone like him. I wish if a parallel world existed, both of them could end up together there, and get all the happiness they have always deserved.

[asteroiidx]

> made in mspaint

HEYYYYY!! \(>0<)/

it's been a hot while since i've posted about sans again wahah.. BUT I'M NOT OUT OF THE FANDOM! that's not what's goin on here no siree!! (⁠ㆁ⁠ω⁠ㆁ⁠) but i dunno, i kinda just wanna drop something here.. maybe some people would end up relating to it, but who knows!

when i started posting about sans here, i was in a seriously bad place. i'm not gonna disclose on it, but that's kind of how i got back into falling for the goofy skeleton man!!

this was probably my lowest point in life, and it severely affected the way i performed in school and just my overall health. it started off with a love for rottmnt (you'd see it if you scroll long enough), then i went through old fanfics that i used to read in the past- and gosh did i get the biggest wave of euphoria in my life.

i started reading through whatever fics i could find- and i've come across new ones... and cringe ones.. and i just kept reading and reading (up until really concerning hours at night). i ended up scrolling through the fanart, the self shipping, and all of that 2016 throwback jazz. i guess it all made me feel like i'm a cringey 10 year old again.

and that's how i ended up just drawing- well, selfship. it was comforting and i would draw aster and sans together whenever i felt like shit. it made me feel like i could just live a little longer to feel this happy about drawing some fictional characters. it was my coping mechanism

the longer i posted, the more i realized that there were people like me too! and it made me feel happy that you guys interacted with me and enjoyed my art <3 so i appreciate you all for sticking around (⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)⁠♡

but i have to say that, i was stuck in a daydream bubble that was really pulling me back from accepting my reality. i wanted to get better, to feel better without having to sacrifice so much of my life outside of undertale. so.. that's what i did! that's what the lack of posts kind of was- and i'm really sorry for popping up and disappearing like that!

i'm glad to say that i'm doing much better than i was before! so yay, happy times! 🎉 i'm currently in university, something I didn't think i'd be able to make it to.. but i'm here now!

i do miss drawing sans, and i do miss interacting with all of you :')

i loved and still love aster and sans- in fact, i still draw them!but i also have other interests too! (ahem.. cod and my ocs..)

i think that's all i wanted to say for now... if you guys even read this- thank you! :3

and if you've been feeling similar to how i felt in the past, i want you to know that it gets better and it will get better <3

[sophieinwonderland]

Decided to do a little vent.

Honestly i hate how big of a deal fakers are for sysmeds, like i don't think they really exist?..

Like... No? Like, they're litterally not??

It's like fakeclaiming depression, autism, adhd, etc. Esp for young people and minors. and generally, pretty "childlike" escapists who are into cartoons and etc and not oversharing photos and irl life. People really assume that people who spend a lot of time on fiction really can't ever dissociate and don't want to escape reality... Somehow. Idk ableism aimed at young people is so unreal i hate it, because they're actually MOST vulnerable to all abuse, but get dismissed SO MUCH by everyone just because they don't share all shit happening to them.

I saw this soooo much for depression like "oh these kids are just faking and romanticize it blah blah" when they're litterally coping and express feelings through art... In a healthy way? Never understood it.

Ocdd isn't really so funny and normal, even accomodations aren't so great, to fake it, being system isn't instant +1000 followers as they think. If person wanted to roleplay - they may just make roleplay account. And like?.. Like fictives can't be into various roleplays and interacting more as original, because it's familiar for them, and safe in a way? We litterally have singlets in roleplaying community who are like "i actually always play characters that are litterally me because i can't really play as very different person", why fictives can't be like that too, and enjoy it? Just because some fictives don't, and now this is a standart for all?.. Roleplaying is quite badass healthy coping mechanism that helps to improve empathy and understanding of others.

Communications only become harder for singlet if they try to pass as disordered system, and it... Doesn't pay off??? At all??? Like????? The fakeclaimer's paranoia litterally doesn't do any good for any system, only make systems feel worse and ruminating about how their trauma must not be enough, imagined, and alters are just imaginery... They're formed to help, and you litterally may hurt systems by saying shit about them being imaginary, just as you may hurt adhd/depressive person by saying that they're just lazy and need to get over them, without any help, and medication are just placebo.

And faking real, horrifying disorder symptoms, actually takes A LOT of research and acting talant and skill, i would actually APPLAUSE to person who would play disordered system good and dedicate hard work to it. I would love to see actors and authors who are interested in research and can play various system characters, and conciously remember how memory in systems works, and don't get lost in it, and use meta-knowlegde for alters who don't have it. It may be easier to lose track when system live in one body, esp masking as singlet.

Solid take.

Really, the whole hysteria around fakers is largely overblown. The idea of mass amounts of fakers have always been a scapegoat used by ableist doctors to dismiss people with DID, but numbers have never supported this, and much of what people claim are signs of faking are just normal human variation.

[thefiery-phoenix]

GROUNDED TO REALITY (YANDERE DEKU X READER)

Hey everyone, guess who's back in business?!!!😏😌 So, I'll be writing from now on and I just hope my account doesn't get deleted like the previous one. I hope you guys enjoy and forgive me if my writing sucks, it's been a while. And also, guess who officially turned 17 today 🥳

You had a fondness and passion for books ever since you were a child. The feeling of just delving into a world of fiction, where life wasn't complicated and didn't contain the toxicity of the real world made you feel at ease and gave you a sense of serenity, a feeling of tranquility to be precise. You've often found yourself getting lost in the fictional world, disregarding reality at times. Was it a coping mechanism for you? You weren't sure, but your parents didn't like the way you always preferred your books and novels to things happening in real life. Your parents owned a multi million dollar business empire, you being the only child of theirs would be next in line to inherit their large and vast fortune. Your parents weren't pleased when you informed them about your future plans to become a writer when they wanted you to be moulded into the perfect young successor they thought you'd be

"You're not going to waste your time sitting and writing silly childish stories!" your father bellowed on top of his lungs. You hated the way every night would end in an argument these days ever since your parents caught wind of you working on a new novel. "They're not silly childish stories! If you don't know about what I'm doing you're in no position to judge me" you retorted and glared at your father. Your mother had an icy expression on her face as she set her fork and knife on the table with a rather loud clatter and spoke in a cold voice "Where are your manners? Is that how you talk to your parents?" You just grumbled under your breath and stormed off to your room and shut the door behind you, ignoring your parents yelling at you to come downstairs to finish your dinner

That however, was just a single incident on how your parents tried to control your life. While you wanted to take a course for writing and establish your name in the writing industry, your parents forced you to attend the entrance exam of UA Academy, the most prestigious academy for upcoming and rising heroes of Japan. You had no intention of becoming a hero, ever. Sure, you always fantasized about saving people and you've had plenty of experience on how to write the personality for a hero but that didn't mean you wanted to become a hero yourself. Your quirk was your lucky factor, which enabled you to shoot black crystal spikes from the ground, instantly piercing through whatever your target is. You managed to get into the UA Academy and you had to admit, it honestly wasn't that bad

Out of all the people you've managed to befriend, you felt more attached and closer to Izuku Midoriya, a literal embodiment of sunshine. He was kind, optimistic and sweet. He always made sure you took your meals properly and stayed hydrated whenever you were working on your novel. Whenever you'd tell him about whatever scene or plot you were working on, he'd listen to you with rapt attention, with a look in his eyes that you meant the world to him, because you did. What you had no idea about was the fact that he was starting to grow obsessed with you. He couldn't stop thinking about you day after day as time progressed. He loved everything about you, you said you weren't sure if you were ever going to end up with someone because of your flaws and frankly, it just broke his heart. Though he held your hands and comforted you, the thought and very prospect of you ever ending up with someone other than him made him livid

You were too busy in your fantasy world to notice his red flags and suspicious behavior like how he knew literally everything about you, your daily schedule and not to mention him getting absolutely territorial and possessive over you when someone else approached you for anything. You just brushed off his behavior which was something you shouldn't have done, little did you know, you'd end up paying dearly and gravely for this negligence of yours. As much as he loved and admired your determination, he really wanted you to take care of yourself as well. He could see the listless red bleary eyes of yours and the dark circles beneath your eyes, a result from your lack of sleep and self care. He chided you like a mother hen and made sure to feed you during the lunch period because clearly, you weren't capable of taking care of yourself properly and he saw himself as your protector

One day as a result of you getting a low score on one of your tests, your father, out of sheer anger and fury threw your book into the fireplace, burning your hardwork and letting it go up in flames. You could only stare in horror with silent tears falling down your eyes as you tried to salvage whatever you could though your hands were burning. "I can't believe I was ever going to hand over the company to a disgrace like you" your father hissed as he walked out of the room, however you didn't have the energy to fight back against him. The next day when you were unusually quiet, Deku noticed it immediately of course. He noticed everything about you, your moods and your thoughts. Upon asking you what was wrong and when you filled him in about the situation at home, he found himself growing angry at your parents. How dare they stop his beloved from doing something you loved?

He already had plans to take you for himself and with this information, it just sped up his process. He didn't want you suffering from all the toxicity of the society, you were an angel. HIS angel, who deserves to be free and happy, with HIM of course. So he did what he thought was right by drugging you and taking you in the middle of the night. When you woke up, you were surprised to find yourself in a room which wasn't yours. After you got to know Deku's real intentions, surprisingly, you didn't feel like fighting back against him. At first, he was confused. Perhaps you were playing some sort of trick on him to gain his trust but when he watched and observed your behavior for a while, you were suspiciously calm about the whole situation at hand

You were tired of being the perfect golden child that always had to obey the rules and make your parents proud which never gave you time to work on your writing. Deku just hugged you and told you that he loved you for being you, that you were perfect in his eyes. When he said he was proud of you and your incredible writing talents, that's when you broke down and softly sobbed into his shoulder as he gently caressed your head and rubbed soft comforting circles on your back. You'd be lying if you didn't dream about moments like this from all the books and novels you'd been reading

Deku was going to keep you grounded to reality, with him by clipping your wings so you wouldn't fly away from him, which is the last thing he needs. Don't worry darling, he'll take good care of you and you'll be able to write your books once more. You won't be able to publish them though, not even under a fake account because he's really paranoid about people finding you and taking you away from him. And besides, he also feels like your talent would be wasted on undeserving people who wouldn't be able to understand your feelings through your writing like he did if you published your works. As for your parents, he'd deal with them in such a way that they'll be begging him for death after he's done with them. Of course he won't tell you what he's done with them though, the last thing he wants to do is make you scared of him. He loves you, you know... just make sure you show him some love too through those forced cuddle sessions he enforces on you before he hides your books and writing material. He has done that before and will continue to do so till you eventually give him what he wants, so there's no fighting it

[dilemmaontwolegs]

Running from the Flames {2}

Pairing: Pierre Gasly x OFC Summary: Brianna Vowles grew up on the paddock. It was what filled every weekend. There were endless trips around the globe with her father and Uncle Otmar in Formula One, until she went to college. Suddenly her life revolved around studying and boys, one of whom wasn't as nice as he had appeared. Five long years later, with a hiatus in between, she graduated with her engineering degree and had decided to use her VIP pass to see if life in the fast lane had changed. Warnings: 18+ only, domestic violence survivor, lots of drama and fluff, this is a work of fiction and the events are not based on reality. Chapter: One || Two || Three || Four || Five || Six || Seven || Eight || Nine || under construction

The moment Adelaide was asleep I opened my laptop and fired an email through to my psychologist. Considering how much she had earned from my family over the years, I wasn’t surprised to see a link for a zoom call come through within ten minutes. Ever since I escaped Erik’s clutches Dr Shirley Pascoe had been there to help me take back my control and unravel the tangled thoughts in my head so I could be the mother that Adelaide deserved. She was an innocent child and I would not hold her accountable for her father’s actions, even when it was hard. 

The zoom call connected and Dr Pascoe’s face appeared with the monotone grey walls of her office filling the background. I knew Addie wouldn’t be asleep for too long and didn’t want to waste the time we had on pleasantries so cut right to the chase. 

“I met someone today,” I started vaguely, feeling as if I were confessing to a priest and not my therapist. “He was nice and friendly but I completely froze up when he touched my knee.”

Shirley waited for me to continue or maybe the internet froze for a moment but finally she spoke with that irksome serene tone she had perfected. “And how were you feeling before he touched you? Was it a welcomed touch?”

“I…was comfortable.”

“That’s good, what about when he touched your knee?”

“It made me feel something I didn’t expect, something I haven’t felt since Erik - that’s when I kind of freaked out.”

Shirley wrote on her notepad like she did when I saw her in person, her grey bob cut swaying with the cursive writing. “Why do you think that is?”

“I don’t know,” I huffed and picked at my freshing painted nails before sighing as she waited for the truth. “I felt like I could trust him, talk to him, you know? But I thought I could trust Erik too. What if I’m making another mistake or just have terrible instincts with men?”

“Your instincts saved your life,” she reminded me as she closed the notebook. “Unfortunately in life we all make mistakes, some not as insignificant as others, but we still learn from them. We have spent almost three years building tools to cope with the trauma you survived but a fundamental step is to trust in yourself and the work you have put in to get you to this point. Ask yourself this, would your day have been better or worse if you didn’t interact with this man?”

I frowned at the question thinking it was so obvious that of course it was better having talked to Pierre. He had made me smile, and Addie too. I even liked the warmth of his hand before my flight mode was triggered.

Then I realised that if I applied that question to other men I had spoken to in the last two years that answer did not have the same result. The surprise must have shown on my face because Shirley chuckled. “This progress is good, Brianna. I would like to schedule you in for an appointment when you come home and I would like an update on what you did with this realisation.”

I was still a little stunned but managed to agree to a time and date that I would be back in London and closed the laptop lid. A vibration in my pocket had me pulling out my phone and I opened it to find an unsaved number had texted me. My immediate reaction was to delete the message thinking it was spam but when I saw it had my name I opened it.

From Unknown: Hey Brianna, it’s Pierre. I just wanted to thank you for the Bonjela, you were right, it does work miracles.

To Pierre: Glad it helped. I can’t have the star of my favourite team worrying about anything except the car during the big race.

From Pierre: I’m also sorry if I made you uncomfortable earlier, it was not my intention. You think I’m the star? 

To Pierre: I’ve seen your stats, Gasly. Otmar may not play favourites with his drivers but the stats don’t lie. 

To Pierre: And I should be the one apologising. You didn’t make me uncomfortable, I'm just skittish. It wasn’t your fault. 

From Pierre: My offer still stands if you want to talk.

I stared at the message and chewed on my bottom lip. My stomach was in knots and felt giddy from just a few texts, my thumbs shook as they hovered over the buttons waiting for the response to be typed. This was the step Dr Pascoe was talking about, trust in myself and my instinct. Instinct told me Pierre was a genuinely nice person and Uncle Otmar only signed respectable, loyal people to his team knowing having a good heart was worth more than just talent alone. 

Pierre had a good heart.

To Pierre: I’d like that.

The phone rang and I rushed to answer it before the ringtone woke Addie. “That was quick,” I said quietly, covering the microphone so my voice didn’t carry into the bedroom. “I didn’t realise you were so interested in hearing my drama.”

His soft laugh in my ear was relaxing and if I closed my eyes it felt like he was right beside me on the couch. “I didn’t want to give you time to change your mind. Have you?”

“Not yet,” I half joked.

“If you do, we can talk about the weather instead.”

“That would be a very boring conversation.”

“I don’t mind, I just like hearing your voice.”

In my head I could see the smile that he was talking through and my own curled up in response. “You are a charming man, Pierre Gasly.”

“Does that mean you’ll say yes if I ask to drive you to dinner tonight?” 

“Come and ask me yourself,” I dared, my heart threatening to beat out of my chest. “Room 626, the Hermitage.”

“Already on my way.” 

I heard the phone shifting and what sounded like keys rattling before an engine roared to life and the hand holding my phone began to tremble in anticipation. “Dinner’s not for another two hours.”

“Then there is plenty of time to talk and get to know each other.”

“You might not want to take me to dinner by then, I mean, drive us to dinner, the team dinner.” I wanted to slap myself as I bumbled almost incoherently but Pierre just laughed.

“Sounds like another dare to me, and I love a challenge.”

It was my turn to laugh and the tension began to ease. “I have my own challenge now because I thought I had hours to get ready.”

I knew it wasn’t far from the paddock to the hotel but I was still surprised when only minutes later there was a knock on my door and I struggled to zip the back of my cocktail dress all the way to the top. Holding it tight over my breasts, I hid behind the door as I cracked it open and spun around the second Pierre was inside. “Can you please do me up?”

He brushed my long dark hair over my shoulder and goosebumps rose where his fingers touched my skin as he closed the zip. 

“Thank you,” I said as I turned to face him. “I was too rushed to think about that when I grabbed it from the closet.”

“You look beautiful.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out the tube of Bonjela but I closed his fingers back around it, still recovering from his compliment.

“Keep it, I have more in Addie’s bag.” He immediately started looking for her and appeared a little disappointed that she wasn’t around until I told him she was still napping. “Help yourself if you want a drink,” I offered as we passed the fully stocked wet bar, grabbing a bottle of water for myself before taking a seat on the outdoor couch that overlooked the race track in the road below. 

He took a seat beside me with a water of his own and his eyes followed the curve of the track as if he could see himself taking each of the turns. 

“This was the room dad always rented when I was a kid,” I broke the comfortable silence. “We would sit out here after practice sessions and he would tell me about each turn, how sharp the angle was, and how best to take them. I guess I’ll have to make a tradition of it when Addie gets older.”

“Tell me about that one,” he said as he leaned in and pointed towards the closest turn to the hotel, turn three.

“Massenet is best to be left-of-centre. It gives the best rotation going into it but most drivers take a bit of extra road preferring to see around the corner but if you trust the mass delay you can shave some time off and take it blindly.” The words were ingrained in my memory and it was surprisingly easy to recite the details you had heard dozens of times over the years. 

“Wow, I am impressed,” Pierre admitted wholeheartedly as he placed his hand over his chest. “You could be an engineer with information like that. Karel better watch out.”

“I am an engineer, just not that type. I just graduated last month as a mechanical engineer.”

Pierre grinned and nudged his shoulder into mine. “You are amazing. Doing that and raising a child, it’s unbelievable.”

I looked down at my water bottle, nervously picking at the label as my cheeks heated. “I finished two years behind my class.” 

“So? It’s just like out there.” He nodded his head to the paddock and the stands. “When something happens to the car you can either choose to retire it or try for plan b and push hard to finish the race. No one wants a DNF.”

A swell of emotion choked me as he pinned me with those gorgeous green eyes and the intensity of them showed me how much he believed his words. “Thank you,” I managed to say through the lump in my throat and I reached for his hand to give it a small squeeze when words failed me. 

I had done it. I had chosen to initiate the touch, something I hadn’t been able to do in years. It had been something reserved for the people I considered family and trusted with my life. But with Pierre there had been an indescribable connection the moment he had looked at me and I wasn’t going to deny myself the opportunity to explore where it could go.

I hadn’t realised how much I had missed it until he turned his hand over and my fingers drifted between his. “Is this alright?” he asked as his thumb drew small circles over my skin.

The spike of adrenaline began to fade and I nodded as it passed along with the fleeting feeling to take flight. I even went so far as to tuck my legs up under me and lean into his side, craving the warmth that came with being closer to him.

My head came to rest on his shoulder and we started out across the city that was the heart of Formula One. “This wasn’t what I had planned this weekend.”

Pierre agreed with a quiet reply, “I was supposed to be concentrating on the race.”

“You should still be concentrating on the race,” I pointed out, tilting my head back so I could check he was listening. 

“I was until you walked into the garage and took my breath away.” 

He ran his tongue across his lips as he stared at mine and I was equally torn between wishing he would kiss me and hoping he wouldn’t so I could have a moment to think clearly. He was consuming my thoughts too fast for me to even process them but he seemed to see that and broke away from the intense moment we shared. 

My hand tightened in his and he glanced down at our entwined fingers as I decided to share a little more, hoping he would understand my reluctance. “Addie’s father wasn’t a nice man.” 

I took a few deep breaths as I prepared myself to share details for the first time since the news had broken to the world what I had been subjected to. My eyes were fixed on the track and I didn’t dare look away from the familiar turns and straights as I recalled it all with a sense of detachment that kept me from reliving it. 

If my father wasn’t so high up in the FIA I would have just been another domestic violence survivor, but because of his position my situation had become a news bulletin. I became a recluse for months in the wake of the story, hiding from the world until they forgot about me. Just when I thought I was healing from the fractured bones and broken heart I found out I was pregnant. 

“I have spent the last two years completely focused on Addie and finishing my degree so I can finally leave London and move on with my life.” I had forgotten our hands were still joined until he lifted them to his lips and placed a soft kiss on the top of mine. “I don’t know what this is or where it’s going but I want to get to know you, Pierre.”

“Me too,” he said with a reassuring smile. “We can take it slow, I’m a patient man.”

Click here for chapter three.

[transmascpetewentz]

if you had to spend even one day as an actual homosexual male in my country, you'd fucking kill yourself out of despair.

i am so FUCKING SICK AND TIRED of evil anglo westerners like you treating homosexuality like an aesthetic! we are not your constume! stop appropriating us!

i'm ANGRY because i experience homophobia every single day despite the fact that i hide who i am from the rest of my society, and then i go on the internet thinking it's the one place i can openly be myself... and what do i see?

gay male spaces being OVERRUN with BIOLOGICAL FEMALES who live under the DELUSION that they are homosexual males! and i fucking slam my laptop shut in anger! i'm fucking sick of you people!

WE CAN'T EVEN HAVE A SINGLE SPACE FOR OURSELVES ONLINE.

you have no idea what it's like to be an actual gay man!

you have no idea what it's like to laughed at, taunted, called "faggot" as you walk through your school hallways.

you have no idea what it's like to be excluded and socially ostracized by the majority of your male peers because they view you as inherently dirty and disgusting.

you have no idea of the PAIN you feel when your first highschool crush — the one boy who isn't repulsed by you and enjoys your company — ends up being a straight boy who never saw you as anything more than a "buddy" and abandons you the second he gets a girlfriend.

you have no idea what it's like to live a LIE, to conceal who you really are, to lie and say you're straight when someone questions you for your own safety, despite the fact that hiding you true self only makes you even more miserable and eats away at you every single day.

you have no idea what it's like to wallow in a puddle of your own misery and loneliness, knowing you are going to die alone & unloved due to the miserable circumstances of your own society.

you haven't SUFFERED nearly enough to be able to understand what being a homosexual male is truly like.

you have never experienced any of these things, because you are not homosexual males, yet you still have the loudest voices in online gay male communities.

it's not fair!

why should you get to be happy and enjoy LARPing as a gay man despite being female, while i have to suffer every single day? you don't deserve it.

and, yes, i know you people not my main oppressors. i DESPISE heterosexual males a lot more than i despise you, don't worry. you're not the ones killing us, but i am still irritated with the erasure of digital male homosexual spaces, as well as the transing of male fictional characters, because those two are the only coping mechanisms i have to distract me from my awful reality — and you people have taken that away from me too.

you might argue that i'm mean or hateful or a bad person because of the way i talk, but can you really blame me? the world left me no choice but to be full of HATE and BITTERNESS.

i am extremely disappointed in, mad at and saddened by your community & how you spiritually degrade, humiliate, disrespect and erase real homosexual males.

your blog is a mockery of us. that's all.

This anon is really funny, because even if I didn't experience homophobia, you act like transphobia doesn't exist. There's a lot to unpack here, so I'll respond under the cut.

if you had to spend even one day as an actual homosexual male in my country, you'd fucking kill yourself out of despair.

The suicide rate of trans people in my country (USAmerica) is 50% lmfao. While I'm currently in an okay place mentally, the same can't be said for most others in situations similar to mine. I try to use the mental energy that I do have to do activism that will help me and others like me.

i am so FUCKING SICK AND TIRED of evil anglo westerners like you treating homosexuality like an aesthetic! we are not your constume! stop appropriating us!

Trans men exist in non-western countries. The reason that you don't know of us is because it is literally too dangerous for us to come out in countries that do not accept us. The only reason I'm even out to a few people is because my gender nonconformity was obvious before I even realized I was trans, so being visibly trans wouldn't change much in terms of how I'm treated. I also lived in a country where being gay and/or trans is illegal before I moved to USAmerica, and I was targeted there for my gender nonconformity even though I didn't know I was trans whilst living there. Even though I live in USAmerica now, I'm not divorced from the reality of what it's like to be queer in a country where things are worse.

i'm ANGRY because i experience homophobia every single day despite the fact that i hide who i am from the rest of my society, and then i go on the internet thinking it's the one place i can openly be myself... and what do i see?

I, too, experience homophobia every single day, even though I try to hide my homosexuality. Being AFAB doesn't exempt you from experiencing homophobia. Instead, I get to hear what cishets say when they think no gays are in the room. People like me are treated as jokes and predators at the same time.

gay male spaces being OVERRUN with BIOLOGICAL FEMALES who live under the DELUSION that they are homosexual males! and i fucking slam my laptop shut in anger! i'm fucking sick of you people!

Actually, most gay male spaces are hostile to trans men, which has caused us to form our own spaces. If you go to our spaces and then get mad that you see trans men, cry about it. Also, the use of "you people" is so telling. Don't the people in your country refer to gays as "you people" or similar? So don't do the same to trans people.

you have no idea what it's like to be an actual gay man! you have no idea what it's like to laughed at, taunted, called "faggot" as you walk through your school hallways. you have no idea what it's like to be excluded and socially ostracized by the majority of your male peers because they view you as inherently dirty and disgusting. you have no idea of the PAIN you feel when your first highschool crush — the one boy who isn't repulsed by you and enjoys your company — ends up being a straight boy who never saw you as anything more than a "buddy" and abandons you the second he gets a girlfriend.

Actually, yes I do know what that is like! I've had those things fucking happen to me! Except for me, it's not just homophobia, it is transandrophobia as well. People see me as a predator and potential rapist any time I try to express any attraction to men. Why are cis people trying to educate trans people on what it's like to be socially ostracized? Lol. Lmao even.

you have no idea what it's like to live a LIE, to conceal who you really are, to lie and say you're straight when someone questions you for your own safety, despite the fact that hiding you true self only makes you even more miserable and eats away at you every single day.

...are you fucking serious right now. You, cis person, have no idea what it's like to actually live a lie, to lie and say you're a woman and dress like a woman for your safety even though it makes you even more miserable and eats away at you every single day! I understand that cis gays face homophobia but are you fucking serious right now? I really hope that you're joking.

you have no idea what it's like to wallow in a puddle of your own misery and loneliness, knowing you are going to die alone & unloved due to the miserable circumstances of your own society.

Actually yes I do because I am a transsexual man. Except due to being raised as a girl, I have been taught to accept dehumanization from cis men and women alike. I had to spend years unlearning the misogyny I was raised to accept, and I still have a lot more work to do. The thing is, if I was to say something like the statement above to someone, I would be called an "edgy teenage girl faking depression for attention" because you have to be a cis man for your problems to be taken seriously.

you haven't SUFFERED nearly enough to be able to understand what being a homosexual male is truly like.

The only requirements of being a homosexual male is to identify as male and be homosexual. That's it. There isn't a required amount of suffering that you must go through to receive your gay man card, and even if there was, every gay trans man has suffered far more than whatever the requirement is.

you have never experienced any of these things, because you are not homosexual males, yet you still have the loudest voices in online gay male communities.

Actually we have experienced these things, because we are homosexual males, and we face transandrophobia as well as homophobia. We also do not have the loudest voices in online gay male communities. If you're a user on this side of Tumblr, you are either invading transmasc spaces and acting like they are the entire community, or you are in an echo chamber that tells you that we are the loudest in the community.

why should you get to be happy and enjoy LARPing as a gay man despite being female, while i have to suffer every single day? you don't deserve it.

What is it about my blog that makes you think I enjoy being transsexual? I constantly talk about how awful people are to me, how my sexuality and gender are constantly targeted by others, and how all of these problems are systemic. I do not enjoy facing systemic oppression on the basis of my gender and sexuality.

and, yes, i know you people not my main oppressors. i DESPISE heterosexual males a lot more than i despise you, don't worry. you're not the ones killing us, but i am still irritated with the erasure of digital male homosexual spaces, as well as the transing of male fictional characters, because those two are the only coping mechanisms i have to distract me from my awful reality — and you people have taken that away from me too.

Guess what—you, as a cis man, are perfectly able to relate to trans male characters. If a character being trans makes you unable to relate to them anymore, maybe you should examine what makes you believe that you are so different from trans men. Maybe it's because you don't see us as human.

you might argue that i'm mean or hateful or a bad person because of the way i talk, but can you really blame me? the world left me no choice but to be full of HATE and BITTERNESS.

You are not a transphobe because you face homophobia. You facing homophobia was not what convinced you that trans men aren't people. You are using your experiences with homophobia as an excuse to be transandrophobic while the root of your bigotry is actually a form of systemic oppression just like homophobia, except one where you are part of the oppressor class.

i am extremely disappointed in, mad at and saddened by your community & how you spiritually degrade, humiliate, disrespect and erase real homosexual males.

And I am disappointed in how your community excludes, ostracizes, fetishizes, and disrespects transsexual men. Except y'all are way louder about the issue of us existing than we are about the regular dehumanization that we face from y'all.

your blog is a mockery of us. that's all.

Cry about it.

[astarionposting]

Hi, I just want to say that your work is stunning and we're very thankful for it! I also hope that nobody is causing you problems about liking that other route...It's ludicrous that people still act like children when it comes to what others enjoy, not to mention that if you show them two pictures of Astarion they won't even be able to tell which one is the 'bad' route and which one is the 'good' one.

Other than that, I wish you a very nice day!

Thank you so much! 🥹🥹 I’m so so happy you enjoy my content.

Thankfully no one has caused me any issues with Ascended Astarion stuff haha. I guess because I do acknowledge he is 100% evil if he ascends, but SOMETIMES I LIKE ME AN EVIL MAN!! I enjoy both routes and think they are both super fun to play.

I love Spawn Astarion for him being able to overcome his fears, open up, heal and become “better” (but still pretty cheeky and wanting to create as much chaos as possible) and end the cycle of abuse, which is very personal to me as well in my own trauma. I love that he is able to overcome what I would consider an unhealthy coping mechanism to his fear; he is scared, so his reaction is to obtain as much power over everyone else so no one can ever hurt him again, but then he would lose himself in the process… and his SO if you decide not to become his spawn. I mean, he pretty much becomes his BIGGEST fear, his own source of 200 years of trauma and abuse (“the new cazador”—just like Cazador did since he was also a spawn and killed his own master for power out of fear—if I’m remembering correctly).

BUT I also like the Ascended Astarion route for how tragic it is. How you can really see right through him and how he ISN’T satisfied. He gets so angry with you if you even point it out a little bit, that sacrificing all of those souls, including his own in a way, didn’t fix anything. He’s still so insecure. He is still afraid (he’s just much more aggressive and defensive about it). He is still unhappy and he will never actually be free. I mean, it’s a deal with MEPHISTOPHELES. He might have been freed from one master, but now he owes his power to another, much more dangerous and powerful being. Not only that, but he will never be free from himself. If you listen to Cazador’s inner thoughts, you can hear how much he WANTS to die, how much he HATES being a soulless and vile vampire with only a lust for blood. No capability to love, to care, to be any part of who he might’ve been before.

The song “hurt” by NIN makes me think of Ascended Astarion. He says “we can have it all, we can take the world”. But what is “having it all?”. “Having it all” to me would be the Spawn ending. Being free of his abuser, being free of owing his power to someone else, being able to be HIMSELF and surrounded by people who care about him because of who he is, not because of his power.

Anyways I’m not that great at writing my thoughts coherently so I’ll stop there lol, but I also like his voice lines cause they can be kind of hot because also kind of goofy 😭 😭 and it’s fiction!! I read the wildest fanfic out there but if an actual man spoke to me that way, I would be OUT OF THERE SOOOO FAST lol

I don’t like to call them the “bad” or “good” ending, because it’s different for everyone. I mean, it’s a ROLEPLAYING GAME. Yeah, if your Tav/Durge is good alignment, then the spawn ending may seem to be the “good” one, but if your Tav/Durge is evil then wouldn’t the vampire ascendent ending technically be “good” for them? Anyways, I just think people struggle to separate reality from fiction when they get too deep into it. I love soft-ish and cheeky vampire and also evil and hot vampire like WE CAN ENJOY BOTH!!!

Anyways, thank you so much again and I hope you also have a wonderful day!! ❤️

[anomymoussoapbar]

I'm proship/profiction because I understand that the content somebody creates or is interested in isn't a perfect reflection of how they are irl.

I trust that other proshippers understand how to separate fiction and reality.

I'm anti-censorship; I won't make any exceptions because we've seen in history that once you start making exceptions, it can lead to queer media also being demonized and banned (the best I can think off the top of my head is the trans institute that existed in nazi Germany, which had so many amazing trans resources, getting destroyed by nazis).

I believe people should be able to use art as an outlet for anything. Not every single thing in life needs to be censored, and people do often use art to process feelings and experiences.

I'm against harassing people for their art. Not only does harassing some internet stranger sound like a waste of time, it's bullying too. I don't want to be a bully.

I believe in "don't like, don't look, don't interact" (my own variation of don't like don't read). I have tools to block people and hide content I don't want to see. I'm going to use them. I am responsible for curating my own online experience.

I've seen people online who use proshipping as a coping mechanism. I don't understand how that's possible, but that doesn't really matter so long as those people are safe. I wouldn't deny a victim their coping mechanism unless it endangered their life because that's against my beliefs and I'm not a therapist, so that wouldn't even be my place to speak. I've noticed antis don't like these kinds of victims because they don't fit into the antis' perfect boxes of how they think victims should be, so they often harass and bully and claim victims need therapy/need better therapists. I find this ridiculous because in my and many other's experiences, therapy is inherently proship/profiction and antis ignore this/claim it's not true (idk how you can do that if you're not a psychologist but they're too far gone to argue with). And they don't even offer to pay for the therapy, lol.

Thank you for making this blog and being curious, you're amazing. Sorry that this is kinda long lol

Hello!!! :*)

Thank you so so so much for your views.

I find it interesting how you listed it and specifically how you explained "don't like don't look don't interact" [I really like how you phrased it :*)] which I myself see me doing a lot.

When I read through your explanation, I began getting vaguely reminded of those internet safety PSAs they would make kids watch when you are younger, of curating your own safe environment.

How to report bullying, and to not harass others online as well being points that made me think of those internet safety PSAs LOL

Something I find myself thinking about is on how a lot of what fiction can affect reality is a concern long ago that was likely brought by concerns by parents who were against video games saying it promoted violence.

I also find the idea of fictionally dark themes interesting, as I have realized I. Do often indulge in dark medias. In an oddly comforting way.

I really don't like how people harass proshippers, or anyone in general. And from what I have been gathering, not all proshippers indulge in dark thematics. Perhaps the majority, but the proshipping idea is simply respecting even if you dont share it.

Also, when you mentioned people not being exactly how they write or the creations they make, I realized how a lot of mainstream medias follow this. The creator of most Studio ghibli movies is COMPLETELY different from the peppy and cute movies he makes and the creator of popular horror Manga Junji ito makes a lot of horror visuals and grotesque stories however is just a sweet guy in real life.

I know I bring it up a lot in my posts, but a lot of why media can be triggering for me and sickening is when I see what reminds me of my own traumatic experiences [S/A /COCSA and grooming.] And how no matter how much I filter, it will always end up appearing.

As it makes me physically sick, revolted, and sadly reminds me of what I've so deeply buried.

However, I am ONE side of the S/A survivor victim experience and spectrum. The other is people who find comfort in exploring their feelings and it helps them understand on what happened to them.

And I love art. I express myself through art. I used to draw what happened to me and draw out how I felt with characters. But it would make me feel so much worse. As I am and was at the mental point of connecting so hard to the fictional reality which I built to be so much better than I was in.

I don't really know why I'm saying all of this, I guess I just want to lead to the fact that every survivor has their way of coping, and mine isn't the same as everyone else's. And I am still learning to accept that and educate myself on it. Because I do. I really do want to understand and take away my own personal stigmas.

I have so much more I would love to add but I feel I have been rambling for too long LOL

Oh my goodness I'm so sorry for ranting but anyways, thank you so much for the ask and informing me in this much detail. You are so so loved and appreciated. 💞🌸

[fleetsonourgecentral]

Um. okay. Yeah, I could go on. Right back at ya, don’t apologize for your long answer either. It’s so nice when someone goes into detail with this kind of stuff.  Thanks for also sharing a few facts of the fleetway emeralds btw. Kinda what started this whole second train of thought.

Archie’s chaos energy isn’t screwed up like the Fleetway universe. True. But still very much insane in terms of power and ability. It’s given to the rise of entities like Perfect Chaos, fused Tikal + Chaos, Enerjak, Chaos Knuckles, and Turbo Tails. And ofc Super forms. Could grant wishes and immortality. Capability to warp time and space to the point of rewriting reality entirely. Which I assume the Super Genesis Wave never happens in your canon thank goodness otherwise RIP to everyone.

…And Scourge took power from the damn Master Emerald. 

So much possibilities for him based on the bonkers lore that is Archie and the potential was squandered. Understandable since he’s not a hero and HAS to lose. That being said, it can be argued in-universe reasons that Scourge is just very ignorant to what he can do. For all his power and speed, he’s simply not pushed to his limits the same way his Prime counterpart was. His skills are not honed as they should be. It’s canon that he doesn’t consider the capabilities/consequences of using power sources or what he ‘can do’ until Sonic spells these things out for him. Your Sonic had to come up with the idea of vibrating through handcuffs in which Scourge latched on the knowledge immediately from there.  Not always the critical thinker but fast learner indeed.

And ah yes, Scourge becoming good this way is terrifying. Characters that forcibly go under personality changes like this has been a long running concept in fictional media and it always hits hard on how horrible it is to have your mind manipulated to the point where you’re no longer you. I guess it’s a questionable last resort for the truly despicable, but for someone like Scourge..…why condemn him to such a fate ? 

Which leads me to another way on what a good Super Scourge would be like. 

As much Super Scourge is nice, starting off, he has a rather simplistic view on the concept of doing good. He’s no killer but lacks the understanding that people are pretty complicated. His first course of action would be to boot Sonic off the team. If Sonic is still stuck with his own Super form then he would forcefully separate Sonic’s Super form from him claiming he’s saving Sonic. Only to be surprised by Sonic still being an ass by default. 

He could be hostile to even pacifistic Super Sonic, simply because chaos energy conflict bullshit, attempt to absorb him.  Overall, it takes time to get a grasp on how not everything is painted black and white. With the added risk of being manipulated too, develop a more warped sense of good, the FF have to be really really vigilant with him on this.

Super Sonic gets more destructive the more chaos energy he absorbs. Super Scourge absorbing more energy, gives him the opportunity to do more good. Absolutely radiating. Then there’s the thought of going off to save other universes. He would leave the fleetway universe continuously absorbing the plentiful chaos energy the multiverse has to offer, not realizing his mission will be an endless one. Cue the bitter tears from Sonic, because that’s gonna be a long daaaayyyy to retrieve him. And probably Sonic spitting some vile words after, since he lacks the ability to cope with loss too well. He’s got the bloody receipts with Porker fully leaving the team & Johnny dying.

Scourge would be torn internally by this too because although it was through involuntary circumstances, he was gonna ‘leave for the greater good’ over Sonic in an eerily similar way his father had chose his peace making work over him.

Assuming the chaos energy works the same as it does to Sonic but with a collision of multi-universe chaos energy mix here, then an Evil Super Scourge wouldn’t be like Sonic’s. He would be truly unpredictable. The embodiment of doing whatever he wants when he wants it. A fickle little shit. Moods like a light switch. No one knows if he means what he says. The scariest thing when dealing with this Super Scourge is that he actually knows what kind of powers he has. Not a universe ender though, can’t ‘enjoy’ life and its chaos if you’re wiping everything off of existence.

Sharing Scourge’s arrogance to the extreme, Super doesn’t look for chaos energy to sustain himself because he always thinks he has enough, so he often burns himself out pretty fast. Other times transforming back would either out of sheer boredom, getting tricked, Scourge shakily taking back control, or seeing Sonic who makes him feel extremely miserable to where he just crumbles.

It could be he’s aware he comes from a Sonic. Triggering a sense of worthlessness for him. Or he has a soft spot for him. Idk. Unpack that suitcase of dynamics with him/FF and psychological issues when you can.

He could be envious of Super Sonic for at least he has consistent things to latch onto even if they’re simple and boring to him. (destroy everything/ live life at the Groovy Train). Because he’d partially share Scourge’s apathy towards things. Think of Anti Sonic when he got apathetic after overthrowing Anti King Max and got everything he wanted in the moment. That’s where I’m getting that aspect from.

As for his opinion on Scourge, bygones are always gonna be bygones since in the end, it was thanks to him he could exist to do what he wants. I also rather see your own interpretation on how he would treat Scourge. Geez imagine the new emotional issues and setbacks. If it’s by will? haha, yeah noo, let’s put a lid on this guy. almost forever. Fuck you Sonic why does your dimension have to be such a shitty plac—

If there’s no risk of transforming into either of these personas, then I like to think Scourge could maybe like re-stabilize the energy in Sonic’s universe one day. Bend the rules a bit with them. He’d be so ecstatic they both transform at will with no consequences (Screaming at the top of his lungs “TAKE THAT PRIME I JUST FIXED A UNIVERSE IN A WAY YOU NEVER COULD AND WE GOT COOL SUPER FORMS OUT OF IT”)  Or be very well be dragged in and consumed by it in a way no one is gonna expect.

sigh, I really wish we knew more about anarchy energy because Scourge is likely made of it originally, and it’s a miracle that the energy he absorbed wasn’t incompatible. The smallest way these energies probably did overlap canonically is through cosmetic change so far, if the whole green to purple invert palette is anything to take away from.

Basically the point is it’s like what Zonic says about Scourge,

“Besides, Scourge’s mutation has made him something of a wild card in the cosmic scheme of things.”

So I very much like that you aren’t planning to stick to one set of rules to how the super forms would work because you’re right. YOU’RE SO RIGHT. There’s no official answers on how all of this would even work! This is the sheer beauty of writing whatever the fuck you want. It’ll be thrilling to see what kind of stories you’d make up with that in mind.

Let Scourge be the cosmic wildcard.

Vibrating at the speed of light at all of this I love it all

I love the idea that Scourge doesn't actually know all the things he's capable of because he doesn't push himself the same way Sonic does, so you're right he very well could have abilities that even he doesn't know about. Would he discover them while in a super form? Or would his super form share his strategy of "brute force the way through everything" and continue to never discover any neat hidden powers? Who knows... good for Sonic if Scourge's super form is evil, though. Super Sonic is already a pain with everything he can do, so while a Super Scourge would also be a pain, it'd be easier if he was oblivious to some of the devastating things he can do

HELP FHJDSHJFDSA SCOURGE DECIDING TO FUCKING BOOT SONIC OFF THE TEAM IS SO FUCKING FUNNY..... SONIC WOULD BE PISSEDDDDD. And the idea of Scourge just fuckin. Sticking his hand in Sonic's chest and yeeting Super out is sending me. Afhdshjafd poor Super though.... already has Sonic questioning him, and now Scourge? He cannot catch a break

Oh my god Scourge flying off to "save the multiverse".... god Sonic would not take that well. You're right, he hates it when people leave him, even when they have good reason to (ie Porker) so for Scourge to leave him? He'd hate it. He has his own dimension to protect, he doesn't have time to care about what's going on in other universes, especially since those other dimensions presumably have their own Sonic to take care of things. I imagine he'd try to hide how hurtful he finds it, though... at least until they finally catch up to Scourge and Scourge puts up a fight and argues about how he doesn't want to go back. And the freedom fighters are desperately trying to tread carefully, because Scourge could bolt at any time and it's such a pain to pin him down, but Sonic would not be as tactful as the rest of their friends. You make a really interesting comparison between Scourge leaving "for the greater good" and the way his father chose peace over him, although I don't know if he'd be in a state to come to that conclusion himself in his super form. As his regular self, definitely, but idk about in a super form. I could absolutely see Sonic spitting that comparison at him, however; he's not above low blows, and Super Scourge isn't the Scourge he knows and loves, so if he's already lashing out, I could absolutely see him making some kind of vile comment about it. Something something "you're becoming just like your daddy, I see" or something along those lines

I love the idea of Super Scourge's arrogance meaning he burns out quickly, because I can absolutely see that happening. I think it would be difficult to trick him into powering down, because as you said, he's a fast learner, and Prime Sonic has already tricked him into powering down once, so he'd notice if the freedom fighters tried that, but I do think it would be possible. I think Sonic would struggle a little with tricking him, not because he's not smart or capable of tricking people, but because he's actually at a disadvantage compared to the rest of the freedom fighters. He's never had to calm someone down from a transformation, after all; the only times he has (to my memory) fought a super form was after he and Super were separated, where Super powering down wasn't an option. The solutions were to trick and trap him, or try and find some way to fight him, so Sonic's knee-jerk reaction is to fight. The rest of the freedom fighters, though? They have experience in this kind of stuff. They've had practice in bringing Sonic down from his super form; the time when Tails managed it by using Sonic's ego against him to trick him into solving the problem for them comes to mind. So they'd already have a few tricks up their sleeves - notably tricks Scourge probably hasn't seen, and thus he'd be more likely to fall for them. I also think his super form would have trouble thinking ahead, so while he'd recognise if someone tried an identical plan to Prime Sonic's, he'd most likely fall for other tricks that have a similar effect but are executed differently. So the freedom fighters would actually be pretty good at handling this situation

I think one of the hardest things for Sonic is that feelings don't translate when someone is under the influence of chaos energy. Like, Sonic loves his friends even if he's shit at showing it, but he was more than willing to kill them when he was super. So Scourge's feelings for him likely wouldn't be enough to make him change back, especially if he's evil and possibly even if he's good. I think it would frustrate him knowing he can't get through to Scourge by appealing to his feelings, because those feelings don't matter when he's in his super form

I think Sonic would think he can cope with it better than he can because his other knee-jerk reaction is to see Super Scourge as a completely separate person to Scourge, which is simultaneously easy for him and way more difficult than expected. Super Sonic is (now) a separate person, after all, so it stands to reason he'd see Super Scourge the same way. But I don't think he'd be prepared for how little that separation helps him. I think he almost definitely makes some kind of comment about how Super Scourge "isn't really Scourge" which will inevitably piss Scourge off. Having his identity as Scourge dismissed would hurt even in regular form, so in a super form, that would be multiplied. Especially since, well, Super Scourge is Scourge. Just not the one they all know and love. Super Sonic was still Sonic in the beginning, after all, and only really became his own person after the split. But Sonic has gotten comfortable with the idea of super forms being separate people entirely, so of course that's how he'll treat Super Scourge. Needless to say, I don't think that will go down well, no matter if Scourge is good or evil in his super form

I LOVE the idea of Scourge accidentally being the antidote who can stabilise chaos energy. Normally the chaos emeralds need specific conditions to be stabilised, but imagine if Scourge could act as a replacement for those conditions... I think Sonic would both be thrilled at having a super form he can actually control, and be wary about it. I think he knows he could do a lot of good if he could just control his super form, but I think even if he got a super form he could control, transforming or seeing his fur start to turn yellow would lowkey still make him panic and instinctively try to shut it down. I think it would take him a long time to get over that.

I had a vague thought about Sonic using a dark form like we see in Sonic X in order to get around this and take advantage of all the negative emotions he has around turning super, but that is like, ultimate self indulgent daydreaming lol so probably nothing I will ever elaborate further on

Also, even if Scourge could stabilise chaos energy, chances are Porker would want to run experiments on that, and I can't imagine Scourge would be too happy about playing guinea pig (this would not stop him from bragging to Prime about how he fixed an entire dimension's chaos energy)

I COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT ZONIC CALLING SCOURGE A COSMIC WILD CARD honestly that makes this whole scenario even more interesting and demonstrates just how much he could shake up the rules just by going super. Like we really took someone who is already making even the zone cops go "yeah idfk what's going on with this one man" and dumped him in the universe with more volatile chaos energy than normal. What a combination fdhsafhjdsa. Also this makes me wonder how much of a headache poor Zonic would have if Scourge ever did go super with the fleetway emeralds. Especially if he was good and went zooming off trying to "save" the multiverse, because you can guarantee that behaviour would catch the attention of the zone cops. Creating yet another obstacle for Sonic and the rest of the freedom fighters. Honestly the more I talk about this the more I think about things that Sonic would add to his list of "reasons why Scourge should never go super" lmao

[nerves-nebula]

Idk about your intentions, and feel free to ignore me if I’m wrong, but Mikey sounds like a maladaptive daydreamer lol.

Just some background, maladaptive daydreamers use these huge fictional worlds called paracosms to escape reality. Some people do it because of anxiety or stress, but some do it as like a coping mechanism (which is how I’d see Mikey doing it based on your dissociation post) People with maladaptive daydreaming can stim while doing it, like rocking back and forth, pacing, etc, but some can master the art of being able to sit still and just daydream whenever. There’s almost an addictive aspect to it, and a lot of daydreamers have to take adhd or anxiety meds to shake it

Would Mikey stim at first but learn to stay still after Splinter lectured him too many times? Would his paracosm be the book that he’s writing about killing splinter? Idk feel free to look at this like I’m crazy but this subject is very close to my heart as I’m a daydreamer myself.

OK SO like. I don't know. and I don't know if Mikey has maladaptive daydreaming for a specific reason.

That being that I'm basing him on myself. I spent a lot (AND I DO MEAN A LOT) of my time in my head as a kid. I don't really know what a paracosm is so I'm not sure if I was exploring within them. but there are huge chunks of my childhood i really only remember via the emotional exploration I was doing inside these fictional worlds. Like most of puberty for me was just imagining gay fictional gods and forbidden love and abuse and violence and at all that. and it's hard for me to tell if that was a bad thing because it's linked to a very integral part of my personality- that being the desire to tell and experience stories.

I was always dragging around paper and pencils to draw these imagined worlds. But i was also often just sitting with my eyes closed (or sometimes opened, but closed if I wanted to really focus)

if I was painfully bored, or very anxious (which happened often, basically any time i was outside the house or not watching tv or playing a game) I would do this. If I was stuck in a car or a room while my siblings were fighting violently, I would force myself to try to only think about my characters. If the talk radio host was getting on my nerves I would try to drown him out by thinking about my characters going through their worlds and getting in fights and having sex and all that stuff.

this got even better (or worse, considering how you think of it) once I got earbuds/headphones and access to my cousins old ipod. I was finally able to fully block out the world and only, ONLY ever think of my stories. just how I'd always wanted.

and sure, I was always kind of spacey, but even when I wasn't thinking of stories and art I was bad at paying attention the way adults liked. I think adults liked me more when I was just sitting there thinking anyway, instead of being hyper and then having an emotional breakdown when i realize they thought I was annoying.

There was a particularly vibrant time for daydreaming around puberty where i had dozens if not around a hundred different intricate stories that I started to overlap, just because. And I'd go through them over and over, adding or changing little things, making up reasons that the characters would all end up living in the same bunker or fighting the same enemy. making up reasons for the god of war and his little lamb prince to be torn apart. making up reasons for them to attack each other. then forcing them back together through all the trauma.

and recalling these spaces makes me kind of shiver because they're almost like real memories to me. I remember thinking of these scenarios more than I remember my real life around 11-12 years old. And i think that's largely because after I got my blackbelt at around 11 years old, my parents let me quit karate, and didn't force me to do any more sports or anything. So for the most part I legit never left the house. My entire life was in these stories and in my art.

I really only stopped doing this once I got sent off to high school at around 13-14 and was basically FORCED to participate in the real world more.

but I did that all on purpose. i was bored, and i hated other kids because they never clicked with me. and it never seemed to interrupt my life in a way that my parents noticed or cared about. in fact it was the only thing that kept me from being actively suicidal for a while there!

so like. i don't know man. i don't know.

[unfunnyaceartist]

Vent post ahead that may change your view on me and that may sound dramatic (NOT DIRECTED AT ANYONE, THIS IS JUST IN GENERAL) Mostly just to get out my feelings. I only ask that if you look, to be kind and understanding and patient. Also the tags are silly and id appreciate if you read em. id appreciate if you didnt ask me anything on it

I feel toxic sometimes because i can get so jealous i borderline gatekeep things and I always feel so bad because its never intentional but then I end up hating myself because I know its unhealthy and irrational but I cant help it, and I know im so lucky and have a lot in many senses of the word, but at times it feels like they can be taking everything, because when I like someone or something, they tend to matter a fuck-ton to me. Im sorry to anyone ive lashed out at a bit for them wanting what I have, I really am. Its not coming from a place of hostility, rather a place of trauma responses and hyperfixation that stem from my adhd and autism but like when I try something and it goes great, and then someone else is like "OOH thats awesome I wanna do that too" It feels almost like when Im finally happy or excited or proud to have something, someone comes and takes it. Usually Ill play it off as a joke, but in reality, its complete honesty that im trying to soften so I dont upset anyone, especially when its over fiction or a person, because I do NOT own them and I know that, but it bothers me when someone swoops in to do the exact same things or even one-up especially when its really soon after me, and since my self worth is already abysmal, it just makes me feel worse, like I should be lucky to have what I do to begin with, but I feel the need to hold it close to me and protect it so I dont lose things that make me really happy.

Recently Ive even started reverse gatekeeping in response to others, where ill just tell myself I cant or dont deserve to have anything special because I'm not, and only others can enjoy this. But thats why people making me ship content makes me so happy. Its dumb to get jealous over others selfshipping with a character I like. Its dumb to get upset over someone I know copying or taking heavy inspiration from one of my ideas. Its dumb to get possessive over someone else trying to befriend my new awesome friends or wife/wives. I rarely selfship anymore due to my reverse gatekeeping and instead serve the others who simp or enjoy content. I provide since I feel I cant take. It makes me happy and distracts me. But the moment someone else does something similar to what is my toxic coping mechanism for my toxic coping mechanism, it only hurts worse. Thats why sometimes, for example, I get a bit snappy when someone else provides gummybunny (that and also shipping jealousy sometimes). Thats why I get snappy when I make a friend someone else super cool and then another person comes in and wants to befriend them (No darken, this wasnt directed at you, its happened more than once with more than one person but I know how you tend to assume). I LOVE giving but I hate sharing, because all my life whenever I shared, I lost something.

Introduce a friend to a friend? They leave me behind for eachother. Let someone wear my fitbit because they wanted to feel "rich"? It got stolen. Give money to someone in a "rough spot" who promised to repay me somehow? Never saw them again. I was always so trusting and understanding, and I always made excuses for others. Always so naive and gullible. So much so, in fact, that in elementary I kept letting my bullies pretend to be my friends when they claimed they changed, and let them destroy any ounce of worth I had whatsoever. Things that make me happy I CHERISH because of all the things ive lost and all my experiences. Ive never been hit, not once, but the abuse all my life came emotionally and mentally, and I only recently realized through therapy. Now its hard to trust people in certain situations. Sorry for my probably hard to follow and melodramatic rant.

sorry im dumb haha