#and i feel so bad and i hate myself and overall my depression is going feral today lmao

[factual-fantasy]

Here is your reminder that the Octonauts fandom is going to be PATIENT, will RESPECT your boundaries, will WAIT for your possible return to the fandom, and will NOT pressure you into anything. Any Octonauts fan that does otherwise should not count, because they clearly do not know what it means to be an Octonaut.

An Octonaut is patient, kind, helpful, and respectful, even if things don't go the way they want it specifically. They will care for the creatures(in this case, people) that come to them regardless of how they want their day to go.

Octonauts are selfless; they do not let what they WANT get in the way of what others NEED. They do not prioritize themselves over others. If you never return to the fandom again, THAT IS PERFECTLY FINE. Because that is what I'd best for YOU. It may disappoint some, but as long as you are safe, happy, and healthy, it should not matter what people WANT out of YOU and YOUR art.

If you do decide to come back to us, then we welcome you with open arms. There aren't enough of us to form an overall opinion about the fandom, and sadly bad experiences can taint the entire look of our community.

Trust me, I've had PLENTY of bad experiences myself(probably TMI, but I once had someone DM me to roleplay something where them as Captain Barnacles had insomnia, anxiety, depression, PTSD, and a crap ton of other things and I as Shellington had to comfort him and whatnot. And then Captain Barnacles got his arm ripped off and they never messaged me again. This was on WATTPAD. They have since removed DMs, and I can see why. So bad experiences can definitely ruin one's image of the fandom.)

But if you enjoy the Octonauts and that's what you want to draw, don't let idiots stop you!! Octonauts do not discriminate and any hateful person who calls themself an Octonaut never truly learned what it means to explore, rescue, and protect.

An Octonaut is meant to protect and care for their communities, and unnecessary aggression or rude comments should not be tolerated!!! Not by you or by us! Guilt tripping is not good either!

AND: Remember to drink water, eat food, get some rest, and take time for yourself! Have a lovely day/night factual :3

<XD The Octonauts fandom is a tough subject for me for a lot of reasons.. I guess now would be a decent time to finally open up about some of it..

To start, I have had more art theft/reposters, art tracers, copying/heavily adopting all my headcannon/design choices.. in the Octonauts fandom, more than every other fandom combined. Including FNAF. 70% of the time when someone shows me an account that has reposted my art? Its one of my Octonauts comics.

I'm pretty protective of my work and I like to keep things to myself, so having all of these happen so frequently in this fandom has kind'a spooked me away..

And I get it, the fandom is not that big. Chances are when someone has a different/unique/good idea, everyone is going to adopt it into their Octonauts universe. I get it.. but that doesn't stop me from feeling really uncomfortable about posting Octonauts artwork. And I also get that a lot of the people in the Octonauts fandom are really young and don't realize that reposting is theft, or that blatant tracing is theft. That doesn't stop it from being really frustrating to see and very discouraging.. especially when you say "hey, you traced my artwork, please don't do that.." they just straight up don't listen 💀

What's frustrating is that despite not having posted anything Octonauts related in a long time, I STILL deal with constant theft and art tracers. I had to block a few recently after they denied clearly tracing my art and refused to take anything down.

Not even to mention the people who have bashed me for not head cannoning Kwazii or Calico jack as trans.. I totally understand that its a widely accepted headcannon, but my Jack is just a rare male calico and Kwazii is a regular male tabby/calico mix. The constant "why dont you draw kwazii with top scars?? are you a transphobe?? stop misgendering kwazii he's trans!!" is really annoying..

Another thing that really bothers me is the constant crab comic asks. Despite explaining multiple times that I do not want to continue drawing that comic, I still get constant asks like this,👇

This was sent after a simple eye study of the Octonauts. And it said that I'm still on the fence about Octonauts. What part of that post makes you think I'm gonna go back to the crab comic?

I understand that a lot of these people are young and just don't understand that all this stuff is wrong or could be making me uncomfortable. But currently I just don't have the patience to deal with all this junk.. So until I can get my patience back or find a work around for this, Octonauts is officially back on the shelf. 😔

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for asking my partner not to be around me when she has panic attacks?

Probably sounds bad, but please read first. I (28FTM) have been with my partner (25MTF) for just over two years. We’ve lived together just over a year. We both have significant mental health issues, although her symptoms have always been more severe/uncontrolled than mine.

I have always been extremely supportive of my partner’s mental health issues. About 6 months after we started dating she had a mental health crisis that resulted in her being hospitalized for severe suicidal ideation; I helped her get support with her college, find a psychiatrist, therapist, and an HRT provider (since she was extremely dysphoric at the time and hadn’t started).

Around 6 months ago she had another suicidal episode where she actually attempted in front of me. I helped her receive medical help again, supported her throughout and after the hospitalization process, helped her find accommodations for university classes, and find and start alternate treatment (ketamine). I’ve also been supporting her in between her crises by attending some of her therapy with her at her request so I can learn what grounding exercises and such her therapist recommends when she’s panicking or suicidal, since she often forgets her coping mechanisms when in a crisis, and just listening to her and being there when she wants help.

All that is to say, I believe I’ve been extremely supportive in helping her find ways to sustain a healthy life while having mental health issues. However, one of her diagnoses is tourette’s (which I’m aware is neurological and not necessarily psychological) and this results in her having compulsive verbal tics that worsen especially when she’s stressed.

One of these tics is her saying “I’m going to kill myself” repeatedly when distressed (along with other severely hateful statements toward herself). This has always been extremely distressing for me to hear, even when I talk to her to make sure it’s a tic moment and not actual suicidal ideation.

I have been working with my personal therapist so that I don’t immediately go into my own damage-control type crisis when I hear her ticcing. However it’s still been extremely anxiety inducing for me to deal with this, to the point where I’m starting to either dissociate or panic when I even notice that she’s having a panic attack, because I expect to start hearing her say really awful things again. It’s even to the point where I think it’s affecting my overall mental health because I’ve been hearing these distressing tics so often I feel like I’ve started to internalize them (like, me more often having intrusive suicidal thoughts when depressed) although I certainly don’t blame her for how I’ve been feeling or my own thoughts that I’m having when depressed.

I talked to her about this recently and explained how I think it’s been effecting my mental health, especially as I work from home and her panicking often interrupts my work when she comes into our shared office to talk to me while panicking - which then makes me get behind on my work, since I feel like I can’t ignore her and want to help when she’s having a panic attack.

My mental health has also been extremely poor lately as I’m dealing with a lot of work and a sudden diagnosis of (benign) kidney adrenal tumors that I’m starting treatment for. I’ve been doing things to try to improve how I’m feeling but I’m still in a very difficult place right now.

Even though I feel extremely bad for asking I asked her to please try grounding herself at least to the point she’s not loudly saying that she wants to kill her self and hates herself when she’s panicking and wants to talk to me. I emphasized that she should always come talk to me if she is actually feeling like she’s going to do something harmful. But I’m seriously starting to feel like these verbal tics are affecting my functioning day to day, and I don’t know what else to do. And of course I still love her and want to be with her, I don’t even feel like that needs to be said but I want to emphasize it. I just feel like I need to make sure that I am safe and taking care of my basic mental health needs, like not having extreme panic attacks when she’s panicking, to even begin to try and help her out when she’s struggling.

So AITA for asking my partner to stop coming to me when she’s having these extreme panic attacks?

[imonthenoflylist]

Hey everyone, I'm gonna be talking about some heavy topics under the cut so uhm

Tw: me deciding that I don't wanna die alone so I do self destructive behaviours, depressive subjects, bad mental health, overall bad decisions

I'm aroace. I just wanna get that out of the way. I don't accept it (for myself btw, I accept others ofc, but for some reason I can't accept myself), I don't enjoy it, and I just overall hate the fact that I'm aroace. I want a relationship, but I just can't. They make me so mentally and physically drained, I isolate myself from everyone, and I don't feel the romantic connections other people have. And I hate that.

Well, despite me knowing this, I haven't accepted it and decide that I just haven't tried hard enough, so I throw myself into more relationships and more situations that I just shouldn't be in. The reason I've been gone for so long is that I'm in a relationship, and I love my partner a lot, but not the way I'm "meant" to. More in a, ur my best friend, and I love you for it, sorta way. I'm closeted irl, because my family wouldn't accept it.

So that's where I've been, this is where I'm going. I'm going to be more open, I'm gonna tell my partner how I feel, I'm gonna try and have a qpr if they're comfortable with that, and I'm gonna try and find good aroace representation to try and help me accept it

[21threjectedsoul]

Trying to write an introductory post

My name's Daniel. Honestly, I don't know how to exactly type this shit besides just throwing whatever I find important so yeah, here we go

I'm an autistic/Asperger who got a late diagnostic, a trauma survivor (mainly from my traumatic childhood), chronically depressed, generalized anxiety disorder, maybe with social phobia (although I dislike the way we use "phobia"), potentially dyslexic along with dyscalculic and also probably ADHD. That's a fucking ton of diagnostics, ngl. What else do I type? I guess I'll try to give a preview of what I like to say and do here

Although it's been a couple of months since I didn't make a single edit, I love graphic design overall and it's part of my natural pattern recognition from the very beginning of my life. I try to make wallpapers and icons/profile pictures because this way I can give my art some kind of utility. I'm by no means a professional, I just do what I like

I think it would be good to say something about other interests too. Here we go again

I've been interested in english also since the very beginning, even if I'm not a native speaker. I'm currently a college student aiming to be a translator and maybe a teacher, who knows. Along with that, I like studying human nature and honestly I don't really know the true answer for that. Maybe it's because I don't naturally get what other people think and say most of the time, therefore I developed some kind of inclination towards trying to grasp wtf humans do and why the fuck they do what they do. I personally love the idea of studying human instincts and its roots — which still fuck me to this day since I didn't find a specific route for the kind of studies I'd want to do but well, I guess I can't have my cake and eat it too

I'll try to be more specific about my interests, here we go again

I love/hate Pokémon along with Sonic and I purely love Minecraft. There are other franchises I love like Ben 10 and some animes like Ao no Exorcist, although I've been trying to start Dragon Ball recently (it's going way better than I expected, ngl). Overall, I like thinking about these pieces of media. There's something so cool about understanding the deepest points from a universe and trying to solve its mysteries with the information it provides you. Oh and I also have interest in bad movies because Imo the path to grasp what is a great movie can only be traveled through bad movies. If I had to guess what would be the worst movie I've ever seen, I'd say Birdemic which is only ahead of Sharktopus. I also like horror movies overall, although the Insidious saga has a special place in my heart. Godfuckindamnit, what a good sequence. I don't even care if it's not the best franchise, I just love it so deeply

I guess I should speak about what else I post. Trigger warnings, I guess? Transphobia, misogyny

Although I don't consider myself transphobic, people have their rights to call me whatever they want. Having said that, I'll try to clarify myself 'bout it

I don't believe someone's "assigned" a sex, sexuality nor gender. I honestly don't even believe in gender. It even reminds me of the "LGB cut the T" except I'm more about the TQ+ and whatever comes next. I don't really have any problem with whatever people identify themselves, I just don't believe they're what they think and I ask to not force me into believing them.

About misogyny, it's quite a two-sided path. Part of me thinks women feel entitled to everything at their core while also part of me thinks I'm just being extremist, by example. Even if I'm not the best example and I don't even show it that much, I do have hopes about the world not being as harsh as I think but whenever I go out expecting to see something different I end up being crushed by reality again. It got to a point where I can't even see a woman without being invaded by negative thoughts like "she would see you as a dispensable tool and an inferior being", even if I don't know her. Honestly, I don't blame anyone who would think I'm just a hardhead. Having said that, anyone is always welcome to ask or comment on anything here

Well, I tried. I'll try to either organize or write/type a different introduction later

[thetriplets3]

"Your lover isn't feeling well, and even though it's probably dangerous to drive this late at night, you have to make sure they're all right."with Chris strniolo please??

I made it about just a bad day I hope that’s okay, I can redo it if you want anon! Also please read the note at the end!! Thank you for all your requests

warnings: anxiety, depression, overall a bad day mentally, brief mention of a mother daughter relationship (please let me know if I missed anything so I can update this)

☎️ One call away ☎️

It’s hard to tell what exactly made me feel this way, it’s just one of those days. I’ve struggled with mental health problems for years and it’s been getting better but some days feel like I’m back to where I was before. That’s what healing is, some good days some bad, the good outweigh the bad. It’s just frustrating to make progress and then feel like you’re starting from the beginning again.

I spent almost every hour tossing and turning last night unable to fall asleep or stay asleep for long. Despite this I have yet to get out of bed and it’s 3pm. I haven’t been able to do anything except mindlessly scrolling through tiktok not even paying attention to them, in my own little world that I desperately want out of. My phone vibrates, snapping me out of my trance to see a text from my boyfriend Chris.

Hey pretty girl haven’t heard from you all day. Everything alright?

I stare at his text for a while trying to find the right words to make everything sound like I’m fine. Sighing I drop my phone on my bed and head to the kitchen grabbing a snack before making my way back to my bed. Finishing off my snack, I curl up under the fuzzy blanket Chris got me for my birthday. He was here the other night, it smells just like his cologne. I lie there, basking in the smell that lingers bringing me comfort. I want him here, I need him here but I just can’t get myself to put this on him. He has so much on his plate already I don’t want him to worry about me, I’ll be fine this feeling will go away, until it inevitably comes back. A never ending cycle, it’s exhausting.

Apparently it’s been over an hour because I get another text from Chris.

Sweetheart is everything okay? What’s going on? I’m here talk to me.

Realizing I never replied to his first text I grab my phone and send a text back.

Hi love sorry for ignoring you. I’m fine I’m just not feeling it today. I love you and I miss you.

Almost immediately I get a text back which makes me smile at his concern.

What can I do to help? Do you want space or do you want me to come over because you know I’ll drop everything for you no matter how late it is.

My heart swells at how sweet he is.

You being here would make things better.

Within 10 minutes he’s knocking on my bedroom door, having let himself in to my house. Hearing me hum as a response he quietly makes his way to my bed, crawling in next to me.

“Hi sweet girl, I’m here now it’s okay” he said softly.

Quickly I scoot over into his arms, just wanting to be held by him. Closing my eyes I sigh trying to release the weight of the day. With his arms securely wrapped around my body, I feel safe. With a shaky breath I start trying to explain what’s going on.

“I don’t know what brought this on but I hate it I feel so helpless and lazy. I didn’t have it in me to even brush my hair it’s such a simple task and I couldn’t do it” I sputter out in tears.

“Don’t say that you know it’s not true that’s just what your mind is telling you and your mind is being silly today. Think of it this way it’s your body’s way of telling you to just relax and slow down and to take time for yourself. It happens, and yeah it sucks but tomorrow is a new day and a chance to try again” he reassures me. “Give me one second I’ll be right back”.

Rolling out from his grasp I lie there waiting for his return. Getting back in bed he hides what he went to go get behind his back and opened his arms for me. Reaching over to my nightstand he grabs my remote and opens netflix selecting my comfort show, making me smile.

With my head on his chest and my tired eyes fixated on the tv, I feel him move as much of my hair as he can to my back. Slowly and gently he brushes through my knotted hair starting at my ends. The repeated motion of the brush against my scalp has always been something I loved. It reminds me of being a kid and sitting on my mom’s counter as she did my hair for the day. It’s always been a comforting feeling to me and Chris knows this.

My eyes grow heavy as I struggle to keep them open. “Go to sleep love I’m not leaving. I love you so much I hope you know how proud I am of you, you’re so strong” is the last thing I hear before succumbing to a much needed sleep.

taglist:

@iluvmatt @antisocialties @dwntwn-strnlo @fake-coolbeans

AUTHORS NOTES:

[compassionatereminders]

Hey Kat. I fucked up real bad and now it's going to turn into a massive, expensive mistake and I'm terrified. Basically I've always struggled with brushing my teeth. I have autism and it's my biggest sensory issue, I can't stand the feeling of the bristles, or the sound brushing makes. Even plain, kids toothpaste and mouthwash are too strong flavours for me and toddler toothbrushes are still too big for my mouth. It's overall just a miserable, painful experience for me. Combining this with severe depression (no motivation to brush my teeth) and psychosis (thinking the tap water's acid so not wanting to go near it) means I have severely neglected my teeth as an adult, now that I'm no longer 'made' to do them regularly like I was as a child. Despite not being to the dentist in 7 years, my family decided it was finally time for me to go, as I've been in pain for a week or so, a tooth at the back cracked and left a sharp bit, and a chunk of one tooth fell out a year ago and they're worried about possible infection. And they're only the VISIBLE issues. I just...I'm so fucking angry at myself rn. Like this is my fault. I know that. I'm so annoyed that I can't just brush my teeth regularly like so many other people do. That I didn't just push through the pain and do them anyway to avoid all this. Because now it's going to cost literal thousands to fix and I'm STILL going to hate brushing them anyways, so I should have just done it in the first place, you know? Just the thought of going to the dentist though makes me absolutley terrified. Bright lights? Centre of attention? Being touched by strangers? The feeling of metal scraping on my teeth? (I use plastic cutlery for this exact reason) I just don't know how I'm going to cope. Sorry for the rant. I'm just scared.

I totally understand that this is a scary and serious situation, but I fail to see how it's your fault that you're autistic and have severe sensory issues and why you should feel guilty and blame yourself as if you simply didn't care to brush. Because clearly there is no "just" about dental care for you... ❤️

[mokeonn]

I finally actually watched Hazbin Hotel because I was like "I really shouldn't be so judgey, how can I say I hate a show I haven't even watched?" And I can safely say after 5 episodes in:

I hate it.

So I will preface this rant about my feelings towards this controversial show with the following positive statements:

I understand why people enjoy the show, it's fun, the animation is really enjoyable to watch, the music numbers are pretty good, the voice acting is also good, and the whole thing feels like it was constructed around a fandom. Though that last part is a flaw in the overall series, I completely see why people enjoy it. If a series was practically built around making fanfiction, ocs, or fun redesigns, people are gonna have fun making those things. I literally can't blame anyone for enjoying this show. It should also go without saying that I don't think people are morally evil for enjoying the show. I do believe, however, that your taste in shows is bad if you love this show.

I came into this show expecting the WORST. Everything I was told about it was how it was such an awful show and all the horrible things it does. So I was expecting the worst thing I've ever watched to appear before me tonight.

So imagine my surprise when the first 3 episodes aren't that bad. They aren't good, but they're not awful. It's just mid! The animation is fun to watch, the songs are catchy, and the pacing is only a little off. There were a lot of little moments where we got payoff with no set-up. Things like a dramatic reveal of a character that appears to want to evoke a "oh woah, it's that guy!!" moment, but we don't even know who that guy is. A character belting out a dramatic emotional ballad that is also a duet with another major character, but we were introduced to that character earlier that episode and we don't know her well enough to really care about her heartfelt emotional song. Moments that felt more awkward than anything else. Other than that, the show wasn't too bad! I was enjoying myself! I was worried that I was going to enjoy this extremely hated series and how it was going to reflect on my public tumblr image!

And then episode 4 hit.

Episode 4 starts off very similar to the others, and all around, I think it's a pretty good episode if it wasn't for the ending, but we'll get to that.

Episode 4 is a heavier episode dealing with Angel Dust's abuse at the hands of his boss. It gets fairly graphic at points, but with the way people were describing it, I was actually expecting far worse. It has a catchy song from Angel Dust about this abuse, and towards the end, he falls into a self-destructive spiral and vents about how much he wants to basically crash and burn in the hopes that maybe the abuse would stop or he would become too fucked up to notice/care anymore. You know what? This is a pretty heavy hitting topic and really spoke to me as a person who is dealing with addiction and struggles with depression spirals. I felt a lot of what Angel Dust was feeling, even if our situations were completely different. What is the response our little pink spider friend gets? An admittedly catchy song about how he's right that he sucks and he's a loser, "but hey, I'm a loser too! So we can be losers together."

Now, I get what the song is TRYING to say. It's trying to say that you're not alone, that "if you're a loser, then I'm a loser too. But we can be losers together." Which is a nice sentiment and all... but the execution leaves a lot to be desired. It doesn't portray this idea that you're not alone in this world, and there's plenty of people going through similar experiences, so it's important to connect with each other. It instead focuses on feeling more self-depreciating, which is fine and all, but it feels like an inappropriate time to be self-depreciating.

If a person with very low self-esteem vents about their abuse and talks down about themselves, and admits to wanting to self-harm by committing self-destructive behaviors on purpose... I think "seld-depreciation" is the last thing I would want to do with that person.

I get it. The song is trying to be funny and silly with self-depreciating humor to lighten the dark mood and show how Angel Dusk and the weird deep voiced cat-boy (yes, I know his name is Husk) are now getting along and relating to eachother by making jokes about how stupid they were to get into their awful situations... but the song really leaves a sour taste in my mouth because it just feels... wrong. It feels like the wrong response.

The story makes it seem like the song breaks this cycle of self-destructive behaviors and allows the characters to make the first step towards redemption/breaking the cycle of abuse; The song does not fit this theme, it instead just continues that cycle while the story continues on as if it did something else.

I might not be conveying my reasons for WHY the song left a bad taste in my mouth very well, but all you really need to know is that the vibes were off and it seemed like there was something left on the cutting room floor or a mistake between the writers and song writers.

Episode 5 is where I stopped. Like, I can't even finish it. Those previously mentioned pacing issues were nothing compared to the constant wave of hits episode 5 gave me.

First off, we are getting payoff for something that was actually set up! Popping some bottles here! It happens a couple times in the other episodes, but here: a major character is revealed after being talked about and foreshadowed in previous episodes! This really was a first in the series as most of the time, characters were just introduced when the story needed them, causing those awkward moments where a villain or major character got introduced. Valentino was introduced in an episode with some build-up earlier in said episode, but having a character actually be hinted at in earlier episodes before a reveal felt completely new.

And then it was... disappointing. The payoff did not match the set-up. I will state it right now. Lucifer, as a character, caused me to entirely stop watching the show mid episode 5. When you have this big dramatic backstory about how he was an angel of creation who wanted to create, a rebel who went against all he'd ever known to meet another rebel and fall in love with her, a deeply sad man who hid away refusing to take part in ruling hell, leaving it all to his wife? The fact that this is based on Christian theology and Lucifer already has ages of connotation and lore attached to him? Idk I think, "self depreciating, awkward, sad man who doesn't know how to greet his daughter on the phone, and spends all his time making little toy ducks" is... a huge fucking let-down. I understand they're trying to go a more humorous route of "He isn't scary at all, he's just a huge dork!" But it doesn't work, and it just makes me cringe. This alone would be a lot to process in one episode... but Episode 5 still has a LOT of punches in it!

The episode first states that they only have a couple months before the deadline, implying that around 4 months have passed since the first and second episode. Nothing really implies that much time passing between episode 1 and 4, and in the episode, Charlie states all the things they have been working on. Which is things we have already seen in the show. Which tells me that they really haven't been working on anything offscreen during this sudden time skip, so what the fuck happened between episodes 1-4??

Anyways, I could have misread this entire thing and thought far too much into Charlie's stress and the "only a couple months away!". With the word "couple" and the stress the character is clearly going through, I assumed that they were 2 months from the deadline, but maybe I was wrong. I don't know. I didn't finish the episode, and I'm not watching any more.

The first major "hit by a truck" moment was when Lucifer makes his way to the hotel and suddenly, he gets into a feud with Allister. They both sing a song about who is the better Dad to Charlie, and I am sitting there confused because, huh?? Wha?? Where the fuck did this "Allister Dad" thing come from?? NOWHERE in the last 4 episodes (nor the pilot) imply this relationship. Allister is the tumblr sexyman Mary-sue who gets at least 1 new power every episode. Nothing about him out of his entire screen time was paternal. Just as my confusion reaches a boiling point... they introduce a new character suddenly with an unearned "it's ME!" Intro (although unlike past intros, it is ironic).

She's a sassy little flapper who is friends with Allister and whose only purpose this episode is to cause problems to come to the Hotel's way later in the episode, and to give Allister's backstory. A backstory that we really didn't need. Like REALLY didn't need. Seriously this entire show we have been told and shown that Allister is a powerful demon who is feared and not to be messed with. This backstory reveals that he is... a powerful demon who is feared and not to be messed with. The only purpose of this backstory is to reveal a spooky thing he does so he can use it as a threat later in the episode.

Husk confronts Allister about his friend because she always brings trouble, and he snaps at Allister, making a sassy comment. Allister threatens Husk with the previously mentioned spooky thing he is totally known for that was revealed in the backstory.

Lucifer does not approve of the hotel, which makes an awkward scene where Charlie is trying to explain her thinking and her personal experience to her absent father and Lucifer shoots her down by poorly hinting that it just "wouldn't work" because he knows from personal experience. I am not having a good time watching two characters communicate poorly primarily because I hate one of them so much.

The previously mentioned trouble comes their way, and Allister reveals new awesome Allister powers for the 3rd time this episode and goes off to fight off the trouble. Charlie uses this as a way to try to reason with her father. Allister finishes his fight and scolds his friend for using him to fight off the trouble she gets into like Husk said earlier. He then informs here that she either needs to leave or come and stay at the hotel to rehabilitate. She stomps off, and I feel so tired of a third huge payoff with not a lot of set-up.

Allister (who I probably have been misspelling his name this whole time and no I will NOT check) feels like he did a ton of development and growth... entirely off screen. This feels like a 180 to me. This entire show he has been this evil, off-putting guy, that vaguely helps at the hotel, does creepy things, threaten people, and use plot armor powers to save the day or do cool things. So suddenly having an episode where it's stated he has a paternal relationship with Charlie, which has NOT been shown or even HINTED at whatsoever, and where he suddenly turns away a troublemaking friend to protect the hotel he wanted to see fall apart? It's a total 180 from what I'm used to. One could claim that the sudden protection of the hotel was because he wanted to protect his investment, and he knew his friend was using him so he just sent her on her way or offered for her to be tortured in the friendship hotel. I can see an argument for why he didn't threaten or harm his friend when he has killed people or threatened to kill people for less (pretty strong friendship that goes way back when blah blah blah) I can argue about the inconsistencies in how he acts towards the end of this episode compared to the previous episodes of the show all I want.

But come on, you can't argue the sudden paternal thing. That came out of nowhere.

At this point I just, turned off the episode and called it quits. I have heard that the most glaring writing issues come later in the season, and if episode 5 was this bad, I don't wanna keep watching.

Part of me wants to continue watching, as the animation is really enjoyable to watch, and the music is actually pretty fun. But I just know that I'm not going to enjoy myself at all from here on out. It's all going to be downhill from here, and it'll frustrate me. I'm not gonna spend my time watching something I'll hate.

If I wanna watch something frustrating, I'd just watch Jerma play my favorite game for the first time.

[porcelain-requiem]

The Confession

By: Porcelain-Requiem

~~~~~~~~~~

A/N: Just a sweet little one-shot Frelma fanfic. This is set in a slightly AU timeline of the older Scooby-Doo cartoons, where Fred is smart and resourceful. I’m not opposed to Himbo Fred, but I do prefer smarter Fred overall.

~~~~~~~~~~

The cave was dark and musty, and there was a chill throughout it. Fred shined his flashlight around as he searched for a secret passageway to find Daphne. But so far, all he'd found was the occasional frightened bug that scurried away from the light. The tall blond let out a depressed sigh, which his short, bespectacled, brunette companion noticed.

“Don’t worry, Fred.” Velma said in a reassuring tone as she touched his arm, “We’ll find her. She’s got to be around here somewhere.”

Fred smiled and nodded at her. “You’re right, Velma.” He said, “I just hate when I lose you guys to trap doors and bad guys. I try to keep all of you safe, especially you girls.”

“You do, Fred.” Velma said to him, “Even when one of us goes missing, you always find us or we always find our way back to you. I know you feel responsible for us since you’re the oldest of our gang, but we always work things out when we split up in an unintentional way.”

Fred smiled as he took in Velma’s logical and knowing words. It had felt like hours since they started searching, and her words reassured him to keep going. With a nod and a smile to her, the two kept searching for that secret passage, until at last Velma found it. He let out a sigh of relief and wiped some sweat from his brow as the new cave pathway opened up.

“Thank you, Velma. Now stay close to me.” He said as he pulled her near him, “I don’t want to lose you too.”

He took her hand in his and led her down the secret part of the cave, using his flashlight to keep the pathway illuminated for them. Velma blushed a bit as she noticed how small her hand was in his. He had such big, strong hands.

“You’ve suddenly become very quiet, Velma.” Fred noticed, “Are you tying all the clues together and figuring out who the monster really is?”

Velma tried to muster up a response, but felt her throat tighten from nerves. She squeezed Fred’s hand really hard, which made him stop in his tracks. He let go of her hand and shined the flashlight toward her in concern.

“Are you all right, Velma?” He asked her, as he used the light to look her curvy body up and down to see if she was injured.

“N-no. I mean, yes. I mean...” Velma finally stammered. She looked Fred up and down, taking in how handsome he looked in the glow of the flashlight. But his expression looked very concerned. She wasn’t normally nervous like this, especially around him.

“Please, tell me, Velma.” Fred said to her, placing a hand on her shoulder, “Did I do something?”

She looked into his blue eyes, then looked down at her feet as she mustered up the courage to tell him the honest truth. Breathing a deep sigh, she began.

“Fred, just now, you were holding my hand. And before you start apologizing for that, please don’t, because it didn’t upset me at all. In fact, it was wonderful and… it just—it just made me realize that I need to tell you something. But you need to sit down.”

Fred sat himself on a rock near her as he prepared to listen intently to his short friend’s words.

“I-I like you, Fred. I like you a lot… as in more than a friend, I mean. When you held my hand just now, I didn’t want it to end. I always feel so safe with you. And I know I’m not pretty like Daphne is, but I can’t lie to myself anymore. I love you, Fred. And I know you don’t like me back in that way, so I completely respect that. You deserve a beautiful girl, and I know I’m not pretty. And I really don’t want to ruin our friendship because of this, so… please, just pretend I didn’t say any of this.”

She pulled her turtleneck collar of her sweater nervously over her cheeks and turned to try and hide her blushing face. Fred stood up and walked over to her. Velma turned to him and looked up, still hiding the lower half of her face. Fred had a serious expression, but didn’t look upset, which did relieve her slightly. But she worried as she saw his eyes studying her face in the soft cave light.

He gently lowered the turtleneck collar of her sweater and smiled at her. Velma was blushing so much as she looked into his blue eyes. They had a soft glow reflecting the darkness of the cave. Fred put the flashlight in his pocket and placed both of his hands on Velma’s shoulders. He leaned his tall frame down more to meet her short height, and took a deep breath before he responded to her.

“I’m actually relieved that you told me how you feel, Velma. It really means a lot that you think so highly of me.” He said as he started to blush a little, “I honestly didn’t think you liked me like that, because I keep thinking I don’t deserve someone like you.”

Velma was shocked by his words just now. Fred was stunning and athletic. He could undoubtedly attract any girl he met with his strong physique and handsome countenance. And on top of that, he was witty, resourceful, and intelligent. Yet his own words seemed to put himself down just now.

“But Freddie, you’re the most amazing guy I know. You shouldn’t put yourself down like that. I’m not trying to pressure you into liking me. I know I’m not pretty. I just knew I had to tell you. But please, forget I said anything. Daphne is very pretty, Fred. And she’s much more worthy of you than I am.”

“Velma, why are you fixated on me being with Daphne? I mean, sure, I had a couple of dates with her during our early days together as a gang, but she and I soon realized we weren’t meant to be more than friends, so we chose to stay that way. Also, you shouldn’t put yourself down like that, Velma. You’re beautiful.”

Velma’s brown eyes began to well with tears, as she turned her face to try and hide them. “You shouldn’t tease me like that, Freddie. I’m not beautiful.”

He gently took Velma’s freckled cheeks in his hands. Then he continued to speak, “I would never tease you like that. You’re beautiful to me, Velma, inside and out. Some guys probably wouldn’t think so, but I’m not like them. There’s only one girl I know who is essentially my intellectual equal – though I’m definitely not as smart, who always inspires me to be the best I can be, and who is the one I can always count on to be my right-hand lady for leading our team. And there is only one girl that I want to be worthy of. And that’s you, Velma. It’s always been you.”

Velma’s brown eyes widened as the tears rolled down her cheeks. She never thought that Fred loved her like that or that he found her beautiful. She caressed his cheeks with her hands and then he leaned closer to her, to where their lips were almost touching.

“May I?” He asked softly as she felt his breath touch her face. She nodded as her tears continued to fall. It had to be a dream. Freddie couldn’t possibly love her too! And yet, there he was, mere centimeters away from her, asking to kiss her.

He wiped away her tears and softly kissed her lips, brushing them ever so gently with his. She then gave him a deeper kiss, wrapping her arms around his broad shoulders. The two began to kiss passionately, running their fingers through each other’s hair.

She was so short in comparison to him, that when he finally stood upright while kissing her, he lifted her slightly off the ground. She felt safe wrapped in his strong arms though, and continued to kiss the tall blond. She let out a soft moan of pleasure as he deepened the kiss even more. Suddenly the two of them heard a familiar “jeepers!” come from the corridor, which paused their romantic moment.

“Daphne!” Both of them shouted in unison as Fred gently lowered Velma back to the ground. She smoothed her bob back in place, and he fixed his hair and straightened his ascot. They then went to go free their missing friend. The redhead was relieved when they arrived, and gave the two a hug once she was freed.

“I hope it didn’t take you guys too long to find me.” Daphne said.

“It didn’t take us too long. Just long enough to solve a small mystery of our own.” Fred reassured their friend, as he looked at Velma and smiled. She returned the smile with a slight flush of her cheeks.

“Come on, girls!” Fred said confidently, “Let’s go find Shaggy and Scooby, trap this bad guy and solve the mystery!”

The two girls hurried after him, Velma smiling and eagerly grabbing hold of Fred’s hand, as his flashlight led the way out. Daphne smiled to herself as she saw both of her friends holding hands, and realized what their small mystery must’ve entailed.

The End

[eeblouissant]

[Femme!Dorothy anon, this is a long mess and I wish I could articulate myself better because your thiughts are so interesting] yes exactly. Dorothy doesn't want to be associated with anything masculine, and she genuinely is not masculine. She wears the occasional tie and is straightforward and that's it. She is in no way masc in style or behaviour other than being tall with a deep voice. In fact she's very feminine, her style is entirely conventionally on trend femme as a younger woman and as an older woman she is still clearly feminine just not trendily so (her silhouettes are from older decades and her overall style is very unique for the time yet today looks almost proto Boho in certain respects- imagine a modern substitute arts teacher in a getup of hers.). Why it changed is something you nailed, the divorce hit her self esteem hard and I think facing the reality of that plus how she's treated in general drove her from her ideal style, she gets actively laughed at and mocked when she dresses up. So she's retreated to a compromise, a safe style that she feels comfortable in. I can't articulate my thoughts on the change in her whenever she feels nice in a glitzy gown but I know you'll see where I'm trying to go and how important those glimpses are. And to go back to behaviour, this is why I was actually thinking exactly of the scenario you brought up with the strap. She's a feminine woman who has spent most of her life not being seen as either of those things (and then having both tied to a teenaged pregnancy and marriage which is another depressing complication, her femininity and womanhood are by association denigrated as bad choices, moral failings to be redeemed by being a good mother and wife. what does it mean when Stan cheated on her, in this context?). Dorothy wants to be treated as a desirable woman, a lady, and that goes further than wanting to be seen as pretty in a dress. It's also why I think Rose would understand her far easier than Blanche, why I think Blanche would actually trigger her at some point, because Blanche blatantly sees Dorothy as a masculine figure. She puts Dorothy in a protector role, at times almost desexualizes her because of how she's masculinized her. I don't say this as hate, I love Blanche, but Blanche comes from such a specific and different world to the others and its not out of hate that she does it either, it's simply how Dorothy currently fits into her understanding of the world with the tools she's been given. That's really a whole other topic and I don't want to just shove a whole thesis at you that you might not agree with so back to the original point. Yeah, Dorothy wouldn't in a million years want to wear a strap or have a partner assume she wants to lead/top/penetrate. It would be so deeply, deeply humiliating to her in that context and the opposite of healing. You portrayed the exact opposite of this perfectly in your recent fic, you get what her fantasy would be. And I've vomited so many half formed thoughts at you I'm going to stop talking now. The only thing I want to bring up before I shut up is when they're in the Rusty Anchor bathroom because it kills me everytime on so many levels, seeing Blanche wrestle with actually seeing Dorothy as a beautiful feminine woman, how Dorothy clearly understands how Blanche usually sees her, and Dorothy saying she's jealous of Blanche every day of her life because God, that scene is practically this conversation we're having distilled with how the world sees Dorothy and how much pain that causes her. [This message is all over the place and so long. Please feel free to delete it or only quote little parts. It boils down to me thinking you're so right with your headcanons and meta.]

oh anon 🥹🥹🥹 hand in marriage asap because you just get me - oh my god, how could I ever delete or ignore an ask like this !!!!! I absolutely live for your thoughts always (I am in love, seriously, where do I even begin?)

Honestly - and this might be insane so hear me out - would it be too crazy to say that I think those few times when Dorothy does wear elements of a “masculine” outfit, it could possibly be tied back to her own internal struggle with how she presents herself & how she’s perceived? Like, she thinks that maybe the bullying will quit if she gives in and embraces it, if she takes it back and tries to make it something she’s in control of, to try and enjoy something she feels so deeply uncomfortable with (story of her life tbh) because maybe she’ll be able to drown it out then???? are we seeing the vision … just a little thought that came up after reading that first bit, I like angst a normal amount. I feel like there’s definitely a shift away from that “masc energy” as the show goes on but maybe I’m nuts - of course it could have been for many different reasons !!! But I do think it’s mostly a show of growth & shedding those insecurities / stereotypes / etc.

YES !!!!!!!!!! oh my god dorothy fits the 1920s silhouette sooooo soso well & I think that’s what she would say she gravitates toward if asked (on the surface of course. We know by now that the layers & hiding herself is a result of her past and the constant bullying - I do believe that she may also just genuinely find comfort in dressing this way on some level, I don’t think it’s all negative, but it is definitely rooted in insecurity. The fact that she isn’t the bitter type, going on and on about the body she used to have & how she used to look, is kind of shocking to me ? But also a very good example of her gentle nature!!!!! she’s a lot more sensitive and “submissive” than she lets on imo. Very very gentle soul, she is not what she makes people think she is and it’s so devastating to watch her never let that go in canon because we all know she never will.)

Oh my god exactly exactly exactly — like a lady !!!! I’m so glad you brought up Blanche here (and to the blanche enthusiasts, I’m sorry in advance, look away…) because, listen. I have and will always have a problem with the way blanche literally bully’s her constantly & also ropes rose into it a lot ??? like, does dorothy fire back at her just as harshly, yes. Is it (playfully) deserved on both sides sometimes, yes. But holy hell - it seems like every time blanche fires an insult at Dorothy it gets her right in that delicate place because she always puts up her walls so quickly, like she’s genuinely being attacked. And especially having comments like those come from someone like Blanche - the absolute opposite of everything Dorothy has ever been told is wrong with her. Can you even begin to imagine? This has been talked about a few times in the fandom but it’s a subject that makes me especially upset. Blanche is just so unreasonably harsh. I don’t blame Dorothy for some of the things she says to her sometimes I’m sorry 😭🤚🏻. That ep where they were sitting a the table talking about what they’d say at each others eulogy’s , after Blanche said she always felt safe with Dorothy in the house? Yeah, I dont blame her for throwing out that last comment, I would’ve too. Like wow, okay… ( for the record dorothy is not like exempt from also being nasty sometimes, she’s made some insane comments as well 😭)

Blanche most definitely triggers her, many many times we see it!!! It’s so heartbreaking and I could write an essay on the whole subject. And she HAS to be aware of how severe Dorothy’s insecurities are, Blanche is far from oblivious. She’s not stupid, the whole thing is kind of sick. Petition to stop beating Dorothy into the ground please ??????????? Holy hell ???? I absolutely 100% agree with you anon and feel very strongly about the subject. Of the four of them Dorothy gets it the worst idc - it’s sooooooo heartbreaking because she’s the last of them that can handle it, deep down. Yet another topic I could talk about for hours!!!!

I have manyyyyyyyyyyy many things to say on Dorothy’s insecurities playing a massive role in how she views & feels about sex but I’ll save them for my side account, for now know that you are SO correct anon - it absolutely would be humiliating for her (incredible choice of words btw - holy that was so spot on) and would most definitely end in tears. I’ve brought it up five million times now & I promise I’ll shut up until it’s actually published but this is expanded on in the second chapter of that same fic !! Promise to actually post it soon and stop teasing it every other post haha

[boxwinebaddie]

miss ninaaa why did u delete the kyley b origin story jewelery ask, i was IN LOVE with ittt

Anonymous asked:

wha happened to the kyley b post i miss iy already nina :(

AAAAAAAAH. :'( </3

so when i went to bed last night, i saw this first anon and already felt bad, but now that this second one has come in, i just want to say...

...that i am so, SO sorry, my loves.

and to quote every bad movie breakup scene ever:

it's not you, it's me.

( and specifically my very fucked up brain. )

HERE is the link to the kyley b (jew)elery origin post.

i plucked it out of the lost and pound just for you.

i'm...sorry, i deleted it.

**and heavily edited it; it was bugging me.

the short version of my answer is that i developed a very poor coping mechanism for stress/perceived inferiority where even though i love my ncu content, i convince myself that it's bad and i hate it, to the point where i 'make it disappear' so that it's no longer an eyesore.

the very long, personal mental health uncle nina psychological eval with a lowk frightening beginning and hopeful ( i think? ) end is below. tw for depressing thoughts and mentally-ill framing.

I Hope You Heal. <3

because, unfortunately, as a bipolar two girlie, i am extremely prone to spells and spirals of depression ( especially in the summertime ), which, when combined with my already self-confidence cannibalizing anxiety disorder creates a very toxic, negative, medieval torture chamber of a headspace which makes makes my brain…

Very Unwell.

in essence, because of how frighteningly fragile i become, even tiniest inkling of doubt in my mind can poison the entire inkwell...and when that happens, even though i know, deep down, in a healthy, reasonable place, that the content i curate is well-composed, well-received writing that i am passionate about and should be proud of...the cracks and fissures that form in my heart and pysche from the broiler room of pressure i put on myself to preform create several vulnerable visceral openings for My Imposter Syndrome to worm into.

but instead of whispering sweet, sweet nothings, it's doomsay screaming awful, awful Everythings! that this thing you wrote that you love? not good enough. Everyone Is Going To Hate That. the people who liked that post? they just feel sorry for you and if you had any remorse, you would feel sorry for subjecting them to something so underwhelming, stupid, embarrassing and beneath them.

You Should Delete It.

[ DELETE. ] IT.

...aaaaand because the sirens are going off in my head, i feel like the walls are closing in, i frantically press the panic button ( delete post ) and think that i am doing everyone a favor bc not only are you no longer having to read what my extremely overloaded and anxiety corroded brain has classified as "EMBARRASSINGLY BAD" work, but i no longer have to feel ashamed bc it's

Gone.

or well...Privated. ( in this case. )

because i DO work so hard on everything i post that even when i think that it is extremely underwhelming no matter what i do, it is Hard for me to delete it because of the brain-power, intensive-typing and heart that went into making them...so like...it's a strange thing because i know that it's just an echo-chamber of evil lies and untruths, but when i'm rocking back and forth, with my chest eating my knees, and my entire education degree goes out the window when i can't teach myself how to breathe because of how bad i feel...

it's hard.

but...like i tell my kindergarteners everyday.

You Can Do HARD Things.

life is not easy, but it is worth it.

loving yourself is not easy...

But YOU Are Worth It.

unfortunately, i am a better at preaching than practicing. but a large part of my irl job is modelling good behavior and on here, i was deeply moved and touched to find that so many of you think so highly of me, so i also want to model good behavior on here.

which hinges on honesty...and hope.

so, basically, i did delete my post, which is made me feel good in the moment, but overall is not kind to myself ( or to the people who enjoyed reading the thing i randomly killed with knives and hammers because it wasn't 'Perfect' ) and i do not like modelling avoidant behavior, but it is also important to show you that i struggle, that it is okay to feel strange and sad, but that i am working on...not deleting my posts because i am a perfectionist/scared of letting you all down.

which...was clearly not the case? Wowza.

i really did not realize so many people cared about that, aha! but please feel free to ask me anything about kyley b kyle ( i have been trying to generate my thoughts and form some hcs actually! i love him being a sardonic, smart alecky delinquent boy in giant ed hardy jeans and a million different street fighter gta rings on his fingers )

also feel free to ask me anything, flashback related, random hc related, personal or otherwise! i know i've got a ton in the box, but i promise that just because i'm going through a lot and posting sporadically, doesn't mean you have be a stranger...

Just Be Gentle.

with me and as always,

with yourselves.

-uncle nina, doing her best <3

[semiotomatics]

just talkin, you know how it is

i think the most annoying thing abt the past few months—fuck, the last year—is just how inconsistent its been. like yeah the overall trend has been. bad. but there have been good moments. yesterday was one of them! i saw one of my favourite bands live and it was one of—if not the best—shows ive ever been to. and like, i had fun. i had moments of actual happiness. but they were just moments. and it was so hard to stay in those moments. i kept having to like, force myself to stay present and enjoy myself. it felt like work. and when those moments passed, all that was left was the same feeling of just. emptiness and fear and pain. and it sucks, and i hate it, and im so afraid this is how its always going to be. i dont want this to be how its always going to be. just forcing myself to be happy bc i know thats how i should feel, until i cant anymore and then the bad thoughts come back.

and im especially worried bc its november, which is when my seasonal depression usually kicks in. and if i was as bad as i was during the summer, im terrified of how bad this winter will be. last winter was. rough. i dont want to be that bad again. i dont want to be as bad as i was this summer again. i dont want to feel bad anymore. fuck.

[political-confetti]

obligatory warning that terfs/”gender critical” folks and other transphobes are not allowed to debate me on this post. go watch fox news or something.

hi i’m going to be loudly and annoyingly transgender for a second about the whole “alternate treatments for gender dysphoria” thing.*

*a quick note: although this post describes gender dysphoria in relation to transness, i am not a transmedicalist and do not think that gender dysphoria is required to be trans. i support people’s right to self-identify how they see fit as long as it’s in good faith.

i’m a trans guy, pre-t and pre-op. i’ve identified as trans for about 3-4 years now and, although i still have questions about my identity, i’m very sure that being a guy is right for me, and makes me overwhelmingly happy. 

a little while ago, a consistent and scary experience with some transphobes caused me to wonder whether being trans was right for me - not because i didn’t like being trans, but that these bad experiences couldn’t possibly be worth it, even to garner small joy from positive trans experiences.

so i started looking into TERF and “gender critical” stuff.

now, i won’t get into all of it, but those short experiences made me feel intense anxiety about my identity as a trans guy. i thought, for a bit, that i was “betraying womanhood,” or that i was just a “confused girl being tricked by the patriarchy,” or the rest of all those bullshit arguments.  i tried detransition for a bit, personal and online detransition.

it made me fucking miserable.

every day was plagued by constant anxiety, fear, anger, depression, and overall mental anguish. every single time i looked in the mirror, i was wracked with dysphoria. i tried being a butch woman, because masculine clothes made me feel better, but being a butch woman didn’t feel right to me either. i was confused, scared, depressed, and anxious. even after a while, when i started becoming numb to the dysphoria - i was miserable. i stayed in bed for hours at a time. i wouldn’t shower for days because the stress and intense wrongness of seeing my body and calling it a woman’s body hurt so badly.

TERF and gender critical circles told me all women and girls felt this way.  i talked to one of my friends about it. she’s a cis girl, a devout feminist and a loud and proud hater of the patriarchy, one of my coolest friends. she’s experienced misogyny in her life, as almost every woman and afab person has. i asked her whether she hated being a girl and if so, why. her response?

“i don’t hate being a girl - i like it, i like what it means for me. gender’s different for everyone and random for everyone, and what being a girl means to me is comfortable. i hate the way some people demean, infantilize, dislike or are just violent against me for being a girl, but i don’t hate being a girl. if we eradicated the patriarchy - which will take a long fucking time, but if i was alive when we did - i’d choose to be a girl over and over and over again.”

i understood, and i didn’t understand. i understood because that’s how i felt being a boy, being a man, and i didn’t understand because how could one love being a girl? i hated it, for reasons i couldn’t discern.

i thought about it again. i thought - i don’t think women feel like this. i looked at all my friends and family who are women, and i watched and experienced their ease with their gender, and i thought…why am i forcing myself into this? when i know, over and over and over again, that it doesn’t work for me? that i get angry and stressed and numb and depressed and feel so so bad?

the thing about gender dysphoria is that we don’t really have a concrete idea for  why it happens. there’s theories, some more solid than others. it’s likely a mixture of a bunch of factors, from genetics to socialization to environment to a shit ton of other things. and the “gender critical”/TERF groups i looked at would cite that as a reason why we shouldn’t treat it or alleviate it.

as you can tell, from countless fucking studies and anecdotal evidence and experiences and medical professionals and the trans community advocating for it over and over and over again, it’s bullshit. it’s fucking bullshit. not knowing the concrete reason for why something happens is not a reason to ignore it, dismiss it, or make it worse.

there are plenty of complicated or difficult-to-explain things in the world. gender dysphoria is one of them. that doesn’t mean that it shouldn’t be alleviated. i fully support people with gender dysphoria who identify as cisgender and/or want to  treat their own dysphoria with ways other than medical transition, provided they’re not being pressured into it. but forcing detransition and “alternate treatments” onto other people does not work. insisting that it’s something everyone needs to try or do does not work. discrediting the many studies that have been done and the medical professionals vouching for it as well as the experiences of people who have gone through it does not work.

but, obviously, these people don’t actually care about making people’s lives better, or healthier, or happier, or more comfortable. they just don’t like trans people and what we do with our bodies, no matter how small. from a 7 year old trans girl growing out her hair to a 35 year old trans man getting phalloplasty and testosterone, all of it is scary and predatory and strange and destructive and disgusting and wrong.

in my opinion? there is nothing more wrong than denying yourself comfort because other people find it bad.

and yes, being trans still hurts me sometimes. it hurts a lot for some people and doesn’t for others, but for me it can. i still get insecure and dysphoric about my voice, or my height, or my face shape. i still get emotionally drained and exhausted from meeting transphobic relatives. i still feel uncomfortable and frustrated when i get gendered incorrectly by strangers. i feel sad and numb when i see another dead trans person in the news, when i see people calling me and my community disgusting.

but all of that is outweighed by the joy. the joy of having friends like me, friends who understand my identity and are there for me. the joy of going to a pride parade or a queer cafe and meeting people like me. the joy of wearing clothes that i like and cutting my hair how i want and doing my makeup in a way that makes me feel good. the joy of looking in the mirror and knowing that, while some things still aren’t where they’re supposed to be, i still have my short messy hair and my hairy legs and my trans-taped chest. and i can love myself, in a way that makes me feel good. the joy of thinking about my future and seeing transformation instead of torture.

it still hurts sometimes, but it hurt so much more when i was trying to force myself to live in a body that wasn’t right for me, and doing nothing to alleviate it. 

so i hope this post reaches someone out there, someone who’s going through the same thing i went through back then. you do not have to deny yourself comfort and happiness for other people. there is nothing wrong with who you are or how you’re living. you are allowed to exist in a way that makes you comfortable in your identity. and you are not responsible for molding yourself to fit other people’s expectations. you aren’t hurting anyone - you’re just trying to exist. trying to live. 

and there is nothing wrong with that.

[cheerfullycatholic]

MANIFESTIMONY (1/???)

Lately, I’ve been trying to block out all outside influences from my personal relationship with god, but here’s the difficult thing about that: I’m still looking for answers. The Bible on its own isn’t enough for me, it’s just not. It’s vague as fuck, and there’s a lot of unanswered questions that I need properly answered if you expect me to understand any of it at all. But when most Christians/Pastors tell me their answers, I add those answers into the equation and it just makes me feel even worse, leaving me with even more questions, depression, paranoia, and overall confusion than before. I know that you probably think I shouldn’t let other Christians influence my relationship with God, as if it’s not already bad just being God, The Bible, and me. I try to picture God how you all want me to picture him (a loving father), but then thoughts of all the things he did in the bible come to mind, and I start to feel as if it's all just a facade. It all crumbles away, and I start to feel sick. I just can’t feel safe in him. It feels better viewing Christ as a being entirely separate from God, a being that came to sacrificed himself to save us from his father’s wrath. If Jesus is God, the same god that did all of those things, then I feel like he deserved everything they did to him. Why should I feel bad for him? He’s the all-powerful ruler of existence, he has everything he could ever want and infinitely more. He CHOSE to become human, he KNEW he would be killed in the way he was. He WANTED to be killed in the way he was. In fact, why should I feel bad for him anyway? He’s the son of God, that makes him one of the most privileged people in existence by default. He didn’t even stay dead, so what exactly did he sacrifice? Even ignoring all of that, why did God feel he had to die in one of the most violent and horrific ways imaginable just so he can save us from himself? Is God not powerful enough against sin to avoid bloodshed? Or is he just that bloodthirsty? Why did God have to kill so many people? Is God not all-powerful against the devil? Can God not just come up with a way to fix the issue without killing his children? Did he know he would have to do this to them? If he did, then why did he create them in the first place? Are we all just disposable toys for him? Things he can play with for a while and then discard when we don’t serve the purpose he wanted us to have? Does he even really consider us humans his children? Or just the ones that mindlessly obey him? God never changes apparently, so he’s still the same bloodthirsty, apathetic tyrant he was when he did all those things. Why should I trust him? Because he created me? Look at what he HIMSELF did to the things he’s created in the past. I know God hates me asking all these questions and is probably contemplating the right time to kill me right now, but I’ve tried to stop thinking about all of this, and I just can’t. I wish God never gave humans free will. He had no reason to give humans free will whatsoever. He knew ALL of the risks, knowing that he would have to kill so many of his own creations, ones that he supposedly “loved”, and knowing that most of those creations wouldn’t come back to him, and he STILL gave us free will. WHY? Does he just love seeing us fuck up all the time so he can justify punishing us? Otherwise, I can’t see a reason. Think about how much better everything would be if we didn’t have free will, how much happier we all would be, and most importantly, how much happier God would be. There would be no sin, because we’d be unable to. We would still be in the garden. God wouldn’t have to have killed any of us and none of us would go to hell. The more Christians I talk to, the less christians I’m able to talk to, and the more I feel like, maybe this is God’s way of telling me I deserve to be alone. 

I originally was going to write a long response to all of your questions and concerns but I don't really trust myself to, so instead I very much implore that you speak to a priest about all of your questions. You can call up your area's diocese and they can find you someone to make an appointment with. Priests study the Bible extensively and they can answer most, if not all of your questions much better than I ever could. The Bible can be confusing at times, which is why people who study Catholic theology are so so helpful

[nerdyqueerandjewish]

Hey just wanted to say I'm sorry about the web of tragedy in your life rn. you are right that it never ends, and is hard to explain to people from "nicer" areas. I experienced a lot of shitty stuff in my rural hometown and family, and now as an adult the news keeps following me, it's always something. I wanted to say two things- 1. please take some time for self-care even if you feel like you shouldn't or are "less affected". it adds up over time (1/2)

secondly, the only way we get through this world is finding the beauty in small things and counting blessings. when our lives are absolute shit and everyone is dying, it's not "toxic positivity" to say, well at least I have housing, well at least the trees and garden are beautiful today. it's coping but i think that's healthy and normal, to grasp at what beauty is left. if you don't look for any blessings then there isn't anything left. "toxic positivity" is pretending the bad stuff isnt there

it's ok to mourn and feel the bad things but also look for signs of blessings and beauty!! but also i very much feel you with hating true toxic positivity....which feels like a form of straight up denial and repression of emotions. feels like the difference is acceptance, and adding "and" vs. denial (3/3 im done now). hope you find some good things this week

Thank you - I needed this. I’m the primary person giving emotional support my partner while they go through an intensive outpatient program and while it has been overall good for them, there is just a lot going on and they are feeling a lot of emotions, especially frustration, depression, and anxiety. So there’s just a lot of stress in my home right now, and it’s a lot for me to try to be there but also regulate my own emotions and break some of the patterns that I learned in childhood. And then on top of that people where I grew up keep dying in awful, horrible ways. I’m reminding myself that during the height of the pandemic, people talked about the mental toll of disenfranchised grief, and I think that this feeling is similar to that,m. It just keeps rolling and it gives me weird survivor’s guilt and also makes it feel like I’m going to drop dead at any moment.

It can feel uncomfortable to do the nice things for myself, like I’m “supposed” to be only feeling bad with all this (while simultaneously not being effected because nothing bad is happening directly to me? Make up your mind, brain!) but I’m trying to re-frame it as practicing, so that someday I can do it more comfortably. And I feel like I have gotten better too! I think in the past I would have not made time for myself to decompress and do outside things.

[leggyre]

You got any adivce for someone who's considering dropping drawing completely since they don't like what they're making at all?

honestly i've been in the same struggle recently bc it just hasn't been a good year for me. i haven't been drawing a lot bc most of the time i'm either sick or i just.. can't. I've been picking myself up as of late and it's a really difficult grind, but honestly the fact i've been able to actually start this grind is already good for now. I guess that counts as advice; be patient with yourself. Self-esteem doesn't come easy and the little steps are worth so much more than you think.

ok so uh,

-if you just started, don't think about it too much. we all start with the weird scribbles. if you stop now you might never get back to it -if you've been trying to doodle often and always end up hating the result, just take a break. art block is seasoning for burnout and you might just be tired. a lot of times i've felt bad about my art i kinda "gave up" for a while and when i came back to it it was like "wtf this easy what was my issue (it was burnout)". so take a break, play some videogames or hang out with your friends for a week. idk write essays about the media you like? it feels like you're being unproductive but resting IS part of productive because just pushing yourself will just result in nothing being done at the end of the day. -look at your favorite work! im not quite out of my latest artblock yet because its a tough one(it's been teaming up with depression caused by health problems it suuuuucks :/), but when i went long enough without being able to draw I kinda started feeling like I can't do shit and can't call myself an illustrator at all specially bc what i do isnt that big of a deal compared to others(<- comparison also big mistake remember youre the only one who can make YOUR art), going through my folders and seeing the stuff I like the most gave me a LOT of motivation to keep going, even if I was still unable to start drawing right away. not giving up is so important. -so yeah love your art. focus on drawing things you like because it's a gift from you to you, and you should treat it as such. i know it's really hard to be positive about it all the time but it can be really good to go through all your artwork at the end of a day and look at the things you like about it, even if it isn't much. -on that note, find something you really like drawing!!! back in high school i had massive periods of depression that kept me from drawing but i occasionally found sort of a 'life hack' for myself which were things i was always able to work with even during the worst times. one of them was just.. bees. i just doodled random characters as these bees and made og designs too and it was fun. the other one was using colored pencils instead of a regular one bc i just like colors and it made me happy :] it didnt matter that they always had the same overall shape or if i couldnt erase when i messed up, i was just feeling good being able to draw something that i liked. -experiment more!! expand your palettes and download some new brushes. i even change from my newest to my old busted tablet that still sorta works occasionally because using a tool that feels different is.. refreshing somehow? idk -when you need to get yourself back up, do the little steps at your own pace. do a little doodle every day. it's okay if it's always the same thing. the same character. the exact same idea. it's okay if it sucks or if it's unfinished because you struggled. Just give it little pushes. What matters is to try. and it's okay if you can't do it every day. maybe every other day if you need a slower pace. -and remember. engagement doesn't measure your skill. art is subjective anyways!!!!! i spent YEARS doodling and posting only my ocs and getting little to no notes. i think one of my favorite artworks from the time i had ~100 followers had like 0 notes for the longest time. to be honest i don't even know if it has any likes at all nowadays i'd have to look it up bc it's a bit buried

[ifwebefriends]

dude . . . that post where you said you liked nagito not because he's a depressed uwu bad boy but a traumatized complex cancer patient . . . we are the same lmao i literally made a research paper on his overall condition. very interesting case study ngl

That’s so cool! I’d be interested in reading your paper if you’re comfortable sharing. It’s nice to see that not everyone boils Nagito down to a generic bad boy tumblr sexyman. I actually have a lot of feelings about him and how he affected me personally because I can relate to him in a weird kinda hyperbolic way.

Okay it’s trauma dump time now strap yourself in. (TW suicide, cancer, COVID-19, needles, medical treatment)

I’m actually a cancer survivor myself (stage 4 breast cancer diagnosed in July 2020) and because of COVID and cancer I took a gap year in my education (I had just graduated high school and was set to start college) to go through treatment, so I had a lot of time on my hands to play video games and watch TV shows. So I ended up playing Danganronpa 1 and 2 in like October through November of 2020 (I would have played V3 then too but I didn’t have access to it yet).

When I first started chemotherapy in August of that year I tried to stay optimistic, hopeful, and cheery about everything, I didn’t want people to worry and pity me (right after my diagnosis, the most painful part of it all was watching all my loved ones worry so much about me) and I was told that I would most likely survive it. But round after round of chemo along with the rampaging global pandemic that I was honestly more scared of (I was immunocompromised because of chemo and I live in a country that generally didn’t take mask-wearing or quarantine seriously) gradually wore down my spirit little by little. By November when my treatment plan got extended (at least two more rounds of chemo than initially expected) I was worn out, miserable, hopeless, and borderline suicidal. This was around when I played SDR2 for the first time.

When I first played through the game I thought that Nagito was kinda just a fun character who made the game more of a challenge since he was kinda working against you. I never hated him or anything (my first reaction to him was actually “OH MY GOD IT’S THE FINGERS IN HIS ASS GUY!!!!”). Then after I finished the game I read online that if you talk to him in his free time events (I later did the free time for all the characters myself in school mode) you eventually find out that he has cancer and dementia and that’s when my whole perception of him shifted. I felt a sense of comraderie and unity with him that I feel with other cancer patients/survivors. Also, due to my piss poor mental and emotional state at the time I found myself really relating to him in a way. I felt strangely seen and understood.

Needless to say, even in this dark time in my life, I wouldn’t even consider doing the things that Nagito did in SDR2. Nevertheless, I guess I related to him because he represented my specific agonies and pains to a hyperbolic degree. Due to cancer and the treatment related to it, I was angry, hopeless, frustrated, and at a severe disadvantage while the whole world was suffering as well. (Cough cough chapter 3 dispair disease cough cough)

I think generally that the emotional and mental health aspect of having cancer and the general dark parts of having cancer aren’t talked about enough. A lot of people like to make it this hopeful empowering thing and I think it’s fine to do that, it’s good to have hope and strength in times like that, but when one can’t stay strong and hopeful in those circumstances it doesn’t really hit well. And I think that’s what Nagito represents to me. He represents someone beaten down by his life circumstances that he had no control over, and while he puts up an optimistic front, he’s not the #strong #sobrave chronically ill person that seems to be really common in modern media. He represents the dark side and the brutally negative emotions that can come from chronic illness or just shitty life circumstances. He doesn’t care much about his own life or well-being, he’s basically given up. But he wants his short life to mean something good so desperately. In his own way he cares about the people around him and the world around him, he just thinks he can’t have a place in that world. He’s willing to hurt and kill people in order to, in his eyes, make the world a better place at the cost of himself. He’s like an antithesis or foil to other cancer patient characters I’ve seen who have a generally more positive saccharine outlook on their condition and their life (I.e. Augustus Waters from The Fault in Our Stars).

Thankfully I’m much happier and healthier these days, I’ve been done with chemo for over two years and while I’m still going through some treatment related to it (hormone suppression pills and shots since my cancer was ER+) but it pales in comparison to what chemo did to me. I may not relate as heavily to Nagito as I used to, but he still holds a special place in my heart. I see him now and still think of him as a flawed but sympathetic character who was a twisted mirror of my deep-seeded physical and emotional pains that I felt back during the most miserable time of my life. At that time, I couldn’t see the light, so he sat with me in the darkness.

Nagito’s story isn’t really a story about having or surviving cancer.

Thankfully my story has a happy ending as I survived cancer and am still in remission. I am much happier and healthier now and I have a new appreciation for life, how fragile it is, and the little joys that make it what it is. I don’t relate to Nagito as much now as I did back when I was going through cancer treatment, but when I look at him, I’m reminded of how he reflected the darkness inside of me during my worst times and how comforting he was to me.

Thankfully I beat cancer and I am much happier and healthy now, but I still look at Nagito and remember the dark comfort he gave me through my worst of times.