#and i feel embarassed of myself and all this shame that never goes away

[arcadejohn127-9]

Hello! :) Is it ok if i request the brothers (and the undateables if possible 👉🏻👈🏻) with a teenage MC who's not afraid to call them out whenever they do something stupid/harmful/immoral and has very high morals in general? Like, when Lucifer tried to kill Luke they were furious cause he wanted to kill a child (actually 2 but..), or (this is based the first chat with him after ch.16) when Belphie goes "come on, that's mean!1! >:(" They reply with, "hahah! Wanna know what else is mean?(◠‿◕) The fact that you literally killed me for EXISTING, and when you found out that i was your sister's descendant you were all buddy-buddy with me. You're an hypochrite(Is that how you say it??) And you're a shitty person in general, you killed a CHILD. So i think it's very clear who's the mean one here." (GSJSGSJ I'M SO SORRY THAT IT'S SO LONG AND SASSY-) or they go full on rant about CONSENT with Simeon for the angel event. They also don't really accept opinions about their morals, like:

Diavolo: *lectures them about how humans and demons are different and how things that are clearly wrong in the human world are not in the Devildom*

MC: hm... That's a very well-elaborated and and valid arguement, but something doesn't feel right so i'm gonna just stick with my previously elaborated opinion!(✿^‿^) (wich translates into "i think your opinion is bullshit but i can't exactly tell you that so i'm just gonna be polite about it.")

I think they'd be embarassed being called out by someone who's literally an infant compared to them GSJSGSJ

you can ignore it if too similar to the sassy MC! ^^ i'm sorry it's so long 🥺

While this is very similar to my previous ask, I can do something for you! Hope I was able to put your prompt into proper essence, whilst writing this I got quite heated myself as I started to think how insane it must be for MC In the game

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"I'm tired." You suddenly barked out, everyone turned their attention to you.

There was a big meeting including the student counsel and the exchange students. You were sitting at the end of the table; every second of noise was like a hammer to your self control. Your anger slowly rising higher and higher until it felt like you were suffocating in it. Satan was the first to notice; sensing the sin like it was a strong disgusting smell.

"What...? Are you really interrupting the meeting just to say you're tired?" Lucifer snarled at you.

"Oh, of course Lucifer is the one to make a rude comment, what? Annoyed I'm making my feelings known?!"

None of them understood what the sudden uproar was. All of them staring at you with wide surprised eyes. You were often one for remarks and expressing your thoughts but this was different; you've snapped. The hatred and anger in your eyes were uncomfortable. They made you look like a completely different person.

"What is the meaning of this? You're being unnecessarily angry-"

"I'M UNNECESSARILY ANGRY?! Oh ho ho~ you tried to kill Luke for being in the house! A LITERAL CHILD!"

Lucifer was stunned; freezing under your intense glare. Everyone's eyes darting over to his figure. He wanted to say more, he wanted to make you shut up. You could understand that look on his face all too well; you exactly what he wanted to say to you. But no, he couldn't possibly do it Infront of Lord Diavolo.

Your anger was only fueled more as you stood up from your seat.

"All of you are a threat! I'm a teenager, DAMNIT! How many times have I had my life put at risk because of one of you or have been threatened to be murdered or harmed - the only reason you didn't do it because you didn't want to cause issues with Diavolo or wanted me for your personal gain!"

"Do you know how meaningless that can make a person feel?! All of you are rotten, horrible beings!"

They all shared a shameful and uncomfortable look; the exchange students weren't sure if they were supposed to be in this conversation. Seeing as the focus was set on the brothers actions. Barbatos tried to warn something like this would happen but no one would take his words seriously. They expected something alot less intense.

"Come on, don't be mean-" Belphie tried to speak, keeping his tone playful as if believing that would fix it.

"You know what's mean, Belphegor? Killing a defenseless child for simply existing and then never apologizing - mind you, NO ONE HERE HAS EVER APOLOGIZED FOR THREATENING ME OR TRYING TO KILL ME - and then having the AUDACITY to be buddy buddy with me after finding out I'm related to your sister."

All the brothers expect Satan winced at your words. Their sister being a sensative topic and to hear you speak of it with such venom in your voice. They weren't sure what to do, some wanted to yell at you, others wanted to leave. But no one did anything. It felt as if they were all frozen.

Was this your magic? Was this harsh feeling of someone stepping on their chest coming from their pacts with you?

But that was just the brothers; the others were feeling a similar discomfort but they knew if they dared tried to leave it would end in chaos.

"But no, I'm mean,I'm the big meanie here who isn't being sweet and forgiving over being put into continuous danger, I'm SO sorry."

You forced a tight sarcastic smile, pretending to be upset.

"Now, let's all calm down, you have to understand - Demons and humans they just don't work the same, what is immoral to you won't be the same here, this is very different kind of society, you came here to be taught and learn to understand these other realms you were unaware of-"

It was now Diavolos turn to be utterly destroyed.

"Everything about that made me feel disgusted, so you're fine with all sorts of immoral acts? That's what you're telling me?"

The demon prince caught onto what you're implying and realized what his words meant, he quickly tried to fix his mistake but you weren't having it. Speaking over him, raising your voice as much as you could to drown him out.

"How about YOU understand MY society and my world's rules!"

"Here's the thing, your lordship, I didn't consent to be here, I didn't agree to be whisked off from my normal life and away from everything I've known, you forced me here and expected me to just deal with it - Solomon knows more about this program than me!"

"You're right, there should of been better preparation but you have to understand the differences between-"

It seems no one has learned. Your head snapped towards the older angel. You began to slowly trudge over to him.

"I'm so glad you decided to speak up, Simeon, because talking about consent, did you even know what those bangles would do to the brothers??? Did you just think it would be all fun and games to just make them angelic again despite knowing their history? None of them were okay about it and you just went ahead with it anyway - THEY WERE PRACTICALLY BRAINWASHED!"

Everyone in the room felt a sharp whiplash from your words. From one moment being furious and despising the brothers to now scolding someone who's harmed them.

"I didn't know it would be like that-!" He truely didn't, he felt awful about what they did.

"And yet you didn't seem to be in a rush to do anything about it, to me you seem to rather enjoy seeing them like that."

He couldn't say anything. He couldn't even try. Simeon just let his head drop in shame, knowing your words were true.

"Everyone here expect Solomon and Luke are innocent - Barbatos you're on thin fucking ice."

You snarled, pointing over to the butler. He didn't flinch under your gaze. Just staying composed and beside his master.

"I'm out of here." You declares, spinning on your heel and stormed out.

Luke suddenly jumped off his seat; tears streaming down his face and rushed after you. Calling out for you as he ignored Simeon's pleas.

The room was silent as everyone mewled over your words. Stunned they all got cussed out by a mere teenager and all of them knew; you were right.

[marblesphere]

Dream or Reality (Noctis x Reader)

I wrote this fic years ago. So, I fixed up a little and decided to post it here. I have also posted it in devianart under LastMoogleHunter. Happy reading!

“Aaaaahhh….what a boring day, always the same. There’s nothing new, nothing makes me excited.” I sighed for the umpteenth times. I see, I haven’t introduced myself, my name is [Name] [Last Name], I am 12th grade in Destiny High. This is my last year, thus was recommended in making good memories. Though…there is nothing fun, I wish Final Fantasy characters are real people. That’ll so much fun, especially if there is Noctis.....

Kyaaaa!!! I am so embarassed... ahem, let’s put that aside and let’s get onto the story.

This morning also has the same routine, wake up, bath, breakfast, school, home, dinner, sleep and so on. And coincidentally my literature teacher decides it’s fun to see her students suffer, and thus given us a homework about composition. I groan, this is going to kill my brain cells. “God, please let my life get interesting such as Final Fantasy character come to life..... Just kidding, it’s not like it can be granted anyway.” I exhaled. I put my homework and stationery on my desk and start thinking about the theme I am going to write. Not long after I start doze off.

My internal clock woke me up from my slumber. Groggily, I glance my clock and it shows 6.30 a.m. I blink once, twice and rub my eyes to make sure I am not mistaking it. In instant, all sleepiness fades away. ”Aaaahh!! I am late!!” I freaked out and with lightning speed I took a bath. While I was stripping though, something fell from my shorts’ pocket. I pick it up and examine it, it was a golden watch. Curious, I open it and something was craved on the lid ‘aeternam vinculo’ ‘what’s this mean? More importantly when I got this thing?’ I was thinking and completely forgotten the time.

“[Name]! breakfast is ready!” Kaa-san called.

“No way!” I yelped and resumed my activity.

I run down the stairs and eat breakfast quickly, “[Name], there’s still some time.” Kaa-san said.

I gulp down my orange juice, “Gotta go. Bye Kaa-san, Tou-san.” I said as I ran to school. Fortunately, the distance to school from my house is not that far. Upon arriving there, I still see a lot of students leisurely walking to the school. Looks like I am safe. I sigh in relief as I pat my chest. suddenly, I feel a tap on my shoulder and I turn around, but the sight of that ‘someone’ tapping my shoulder made my eyes widenend.

“Morning.” He said, while I blinked once, twice, titled my head and stare at him as he is an alien landing on earth. The person who greeted me is no other than the famous Chocobo head, Cloud Strife.

I keep staring at him without blinking. “You…” I could only manage a word to come out from my mouth.

Cloud looks at me oddly, “What’s wrong?” he asked. 

“Good morning you two.” A new voice called. Our head snap to that direction and find Tifa and Yuffie are walking toward us.

My eyes widened ‘[Name].exe is shutting down.’ I can practically hear a robotic voice said that. ‘What exactly is going on?’

Seeing my confused blank looking face, concern made to Tifa’s face, “[Name], what’s wrong?” She asked.

So, I did the most logical action I could at the moment, I pinch my left hand, “Ow…” ‘It hurt.’ I rubbed my reddening left hand.

“[Name], are you really alright?” Tifa asked again. “Don’t worry Tifa, I bet she just woke up.” Yuffie grinned.

‘It’s not a dream....? t-they are really alive...?’ I am still confused, I am still not sure if I am having a realistic dream or this is the reality. But if so, what about yesterday and the day before yesterday and the days before today? Was that reality a dream? And this is the real reality? My mind is in jumbled mess, but I am happy. My wish has come true, my wish for the Final Fantasy characters are real people and as a bonus I have befriend with them. There’s no more I could ask for.

I feel someone shakes me. “Huh?” I snapped back to the reality.

“Maybe we should get her to infirmary.” Tifa said.

“Whooa. [Name], you really sick?” Yuffie was shocked by the news.

“Let’s go.” Cloud said as he prepared to drag me.

“W-wait! I’m fine, I just dozing because I just woke up.” I said putting a sheepish grin.

“See, she’s just woke up.” Yuffie grinned again, but I can see she was relieved as well.

‘Well, I did wish something interesting like this happen. Well, dream or not let’s enjoyed it to the last.’ I smiled at my thought as we walked to the class.

Upon entering class, I no longer panic on what I saw. There are some FF characters here and there, but I spot no Noctis, ‘Well, I’ll be lying if I am not disappointed.’ I sigh softly. ‘Well, nothing goes smooth now.’

Then I heard giggles and squeals. ‘Don’t tell me this is a famous scene from shoujo manga. The moment when male lead and his group enter the classroom. If so, then… Those girls will be the mortal enemies of the female lead. After the plot milked her usefulness, she and her sidekicks will fall into ruin.’ I blinked as I looked at those girls. ‘What a shame. They look nice enough though. But, I wonder who they’re fangirling about.’ I follow the crowd’s eyes, then the door opened revealing ‘Emergency! Mayday! Mayday! All staffs please evacuate! The ship will sink soon!Eh? EEEEEEHHHHH???!!! What is happening?! Why is he here?! No... I mean… I am happy that he is here. But he being here is a problem itself to me, in many ways.’ The one who opened the door is no other than Noctis.

I stiffen when he walks to me. “Good morning.” He muttered as he walked past me to his seat which is behind me.

“Mo-morning…?” And the problem is I was suttering when I replied, ‘Now I’ve done it…. he officially think I am one of his fangirls.’ I sighed earning a few snickers from Tifa and Yuffie which I give them an odd look.

“Morning, Hime-chi.” Prompto greeted.

I am not sure who is Hime-chi is. But seeing no one responds to him, it must be me, right? “Morning…?” I greeted back hesitantly.

During the duration of the lesson, I can’t concentrate at all. Part of it is because Noctis is sitting behind me. The other part is I am frantically thinking what should I do, what is my relationship with him and the other characters. Just because some of them are my friends, that doesn’t mean all of the characters must be my friends. And I have to be careful how to act around them, so they didn’t notice my awkwardness.

The bell rings signaling lunch break. Finally, me and the group which included almost all of the alvalanche members plus some other go to school cafeteria. Minus Cid and Barret cause they’re too old to go to school anyway which I found out later the two of them are school staffs. Barret as P.E teacher and Cid as engineer. And of course, let’s not forget Zack and Aerith. We go to cafeteria to eat lunch, while the others eat and talking each other, I am thinking about a lot of thing and that mysterious golden watch.

“[Name].” A voice snapped me out of my own world and I found all of them were staring at me.

“Huh?” I blinked owlishly.

“Are you okay?” Aerith asked worriedly.

“Did they bully you?” Prompto frowned.

“Eh? Bully? Who?” I tilted my head not understanding who were they talking about. ‘…For the first time in my life I was bullied…’

“WHAT!? Those girls are bullying my little sister?! How dare they!” Zack raged.

“W-Wait a minute. I am fine. No one is bullying me.” I said quickly calming them down.

“I heard something about bullying [Name]. Who is daring enough to do that?” Another new voice chimed in.

“Ah.” I blinked at the newcomers, twins exactly.

“Stella, Luna. Where were you guys?” Yuffie asked.

“Sorry, the teacher needed us just now.” Stella apologized.

“So, I heard someone is bullying [Name]? Which idiot?” Luna smiled scarily.

“No one was bullying me.” I shook my head quickly. ‘Scary…. Does Lunafreya is this kind of character?’ I sweatdropped.

“If we are talking about bullying, then I am sure it’s no other than her and her little group.” Tifa rolled her eyes.

‘I wonder who and why would people bully me? I don’t think I’ve ever made someone mad enough to be bullied by them.’ I scanned the cafeteria and spot a group of girls glaring at me, ‘Ah. So, they are the bully group.’ Then a mop of blond caught my attention, I narrow my eyes to get better sight, ‘…Who is she? I have never meet her before, but strangely her name popped out in my mind. Tachibana Kirika-san, Noct’s fangirl…. Ah, no wonder.’ I looked at her object of affection.

“Ignore them” Noct said.

“Umm...okay.” I answered.

After that staring contest, all is well. No war break between us. The last bell finally rings, signaling the end of school. And so, as per usual ritual, apparently we always go home together. “See you tomorrow.” I waved to them when I arrived at my house.

“See you.” They waved back. I open the door only to find it is hollow of life. I found a note one dinner table ‘Business trip one week, there’s a leftover for dinner. We’ll get your cousin to stay at the house tomorrow.’ I sighed. It’s still the same,’Oh well, I’m used to it.... wonder who is my cousin. This is the first time I heard about having a cousin staying over.’

Tired and still in term of accepting what has happened today. I am feeling really sleepy, but I didn’t dare to sleep. What if this is just a dream and I’ll wake up in the same position on my desk, as selfish as it may sound I still don’t want this to end yet. So many thoughts race in my head, absetmindedly I take out the golden watch and finally fallen asleep holding that.

I wake up with a start and glancing at my room, then realize something, FF charas. ‘Is it a dream?’ I sighed and I felt something in my hand. The golden watch, it’s still here. That means ‘It’s not a dream.’ I grinned widely, they are real. Thus, I quickly begin my routine of the day.

Arriving to the class, I greet them. Them as in the group. “Morning.” I greeted.

“Morning.” They replied. I sit at my seat and put my bag on drawer, but then a sharp pain creeps through my hand, instictively I take out my hand and trail of blood is dripping from my hand. My eyes flicker at the sound of giggles, there Tachibana Karin stand proudly at what she have done, she even raises her chin up to which I reply with raised eyebrow.

‘Truly, this is the first time I am being bullied for real.’

Seeing my bloodied right hand and still bleeding. Cloud quickly take my hand and examines it. “You okay?” He asked.

“As okay as someone will be with bleeding hand.” I remarked. Zack is definitely pissed off by the look of his face and stalks toward them.

“Why you little-“

“Zack. There’s no need to get angry.” I called to him.

Ignoring my call, he still stalks toward them, that is until Vincent holds him, “Ignore them. We should take her to infirmary.” He said.

“No no no. we can’t let this kind of things go.” Stella stepped in.

“Indeed. We’ll need to teach her a lesson.” Luna easily agreed with the older twin.

“Stella, Luna. Not you two too.” I sweatdropped.

“Let’s just take [Name] to infirmary first.” Tifa said. With that, the group accompanies me to the infirmary.

“The cut isn’t deep, it will heal in few days.” Nurse Quistis said after she finished bandaging me.

“Thank you.” I thanked her.

“It’s my job, now off you go to class.” She ushered.

“Yes ma’am.” I give her mock salute as I get out of the room.

Entering the class, I was bombarded with questions. Quistis kicked all of the out for being so noisy and too much. “I am fine.” I said for the umpteenth time.

Then Tachibana-san comes to me and asks with her sickly sweet voice, “How was your hand? Is it hurt?”

“Well, why don’t we try it to your hand. And then you’ll know whether it’s hurt or not.” I smiled eraning a few snickers from my friends as they heard my reply.

Tachibana-san’s face is red with anger and opens her mouth to say something. But then, the door opened revealing Noctis and Prompto. she quickly puts her sweet façade again to which I know that isn’t fooling anyone with decent IQ. “Good morning.” She greeted him which was ignored and laughter rose from our throats.

“If you didn’t do something like bullying his friends, you might have a chance.” I told her.

“You!” She gritted her teeth.

‘Aaah… She really didn’t get it.’ I sighed mentally. “Good morning you two. How unusuall for you to almost late.” I greeted.

“Good morning, Hime-chi. You see, we are almost late because we met an old woman on the street. She… Hime-chi, what happened to your hand?” Prompto frowned when he saw bandage on my left hand.

“Your hand...”

“Oh, this..” I said as I lift my hand. “Apparently, someone with a bad hobby finds it interesting to get me scream in pain. Unfortunately, they didn’t get what they want.” I smiled. Noct opens his mouth to ask something when the bell rang, signalling the start of class. All of us goes back to our seat. Well, in my case after recieving a hateful glare from Tachibana-san.

‘More importantly I wonder… Why is she targeting me? I mean, Noct’s female friends are not only I. There are Luna and Stella too…. Does she know I like him…? Well, I do like him as character in games before. And meeting him right now does make my feeling stronger… but, I am not sure if I like him as man… Besides…’ A certain scene from the game flashes in my mind. It’s overlapping in a scene I’ve seen here. ‘I am such a fool… obviously they are together…’ A bitter smile graces my lips.

The lessons went well, save for the ocasion hateful glare... okay scratch that, hateful glare all along. Lucnh break bell rings..... “Okay class, that’s all for today... oh and there is winter ball on the 28th December. All of you MUST come, it’ll be the last event for you. Class dissmissed.” Then the teacher goes out of classroom.

I groan inwardly, ‘Great… a ballroom.’ Note the sacarsm. The students scatters, chatting about the ball, while the group (girls only) advance to me.

“Soooo.....” Yuffie begins the conversation. “Who is going to be your date?” she asked excitedly.

“I don’t want to go.” I groaned again.

“You shouldn’t idle too long [Name], he will be snatched away.” Aerith said gigglig slightly.

“He? Who?” I titled my head. ‘Do I like someone?’

“Of course it’s him.” Yuffie answered.

“Tsk tsk tsk. As if [Name] will like another boy except from him.” Stella raised her brow.

“That dense man is too dense.” Luna giggled.

“Who is he exactly?” I frowned. But to them, my expression right now is quite funny because they are giggling.

“Don’t play dumb [Name]. all of us already know who is he. He is the one who gifted you the golden watch on your birthday.” Tifa said.

 ‘So, that was a gift from someone. And that someone is my crush so to speak…’ I blinked. ‘Who is…’ Suddenly the answer appeared itself in my mind.

*Poof* my face explodes to a blush. ‘It’s him. That man who is a trouble to me just by being here.’ I covered my face looking away from the evil grins on their faces.

“That time he was so shy. It’s funny, right?” Yuffie exclaimed.

“Hey, you guys.” I was saved by Reno. “Who are going to be you girls’ date?” He asked excitedly.

“Not again…” I groaned. “Reno, you don’t have any delicacy at all.” I whined.

“What happened to her?” Reno blinked.

“Just girl trouble.” Stella giggled followed by the rest of the girl.

“I mean you guys have fixed date already. Is there any point to ask?” I pouted. “I’m sure Tifa is going with Cloud, Aerith and Zack, Yuffie with Vincent. Stella is with Prompto and Luna will be going with No-.” I said.

“My date is a secret.” Luna cut my sentence.

“Secret?” I blinked.

“Yep. You’ll know when the time comes.” She smiled mysteriously.

“So, what about you [Name]? Wanna be my date?” He winked.

I snort, “No, thank you.” I flat out rejected him. “If I go with you. Your group of angry girlfriends will be waiting for me. Nuh-uh. I still want to be perfectly healthy, thank you.” All of them excluding Reno who is now sulking are laughing at his misfortune. “I am probably going alone. There’s no rule I can’t go alone.” I smiled. “…What’s wrong?” I blinked when I found them stared at me oddly.

“[Name]… You are quite dense…” Tifa sweatdropped.

“Huh?” I titled my head.

“[Name] you know, you are quite popular. If you say you are searching for a date. Everyone will probably line up.” Aerith giggled.

“…You are teasing me, aren’t you? I have a plain face you know. The one that is neither pretty, beautiful or cute. Besides, if I mean if I am quite popular, how come no one talk to me or better yet flirt to me?” I put an unamused face.

‘That’s because a certain someone made sure no one will not talk to you more than necessary. How can they have a gut to flirt with you with him hanging around you like a guard dog.’ All of them sweatdropped.

“Enough about me. What about the prince?” I turned my question to the prince that walked past me back to his seat.

“About what?” He sat back down.

“The winter ball. Who are you escorting?” I asked.

He snorts. “I don’t want to go.” He said.

“Me too. But we are forced to go.” I chuckled.

“I am waiting for someone.” He answered shortly. His answer makes the boys laugh. I raise my eyebrow at their odd reaction.

“You should hurry and ask her out, or else she’ll out of your reach.” Zack chuckled.

“Yep. After all the effort you put into.” Cloud nodded.

Zack’s word make my chest stings a bit. ‘What is this feeling?’ I blink the I shake my head to ignore it and chat with the rest of them.

Zack’s word is still ringing in my head. I am indeed curious as who is he going to ask, but I am more curious about the feeling in my heart just now. ’They are just characters from game, right? So, why did I have this feeling? Besides, I am sure he is going to ask Luna. No need to think that hard. They obviously are going to reveal it at the winter ball.’ I finally asleep while thinking about this.

Again, I wake up from my peaceful slumber before the alarm rings. I rub my eyes to get rid the alimighty power of sleepiness. The calendar on my wall made me realize this is Saturday. ‘Oh, it’s finally this day.’

As usual, I did my everyday routine, and then off to school. My peaceful day was once again ruined by Tachibana-san and the rabid fangirls follower.

“You! You dare to embarass me the other day, in front of my Noctis no less.” She screehed.

“My...Noctis...? Wow, I am not sure how to reply to that statement... Besides, weren’t you the one asked me about my hand, I just answered that it would be better for you to experience it first hand.” I answered effortlessly.

“You bitch!” She swung her hand to slap me. I am ready to dodge and prepare some wise words. But, her hand was caught midair by a more masculine hand.

I turn my head to get a better look of my savior. ‘Squall.’ I blinked at the unexpected character. ‘Rinoa shouldn’t be too far from Squall.’ I giggled inwardly at my own thought.

“You better stop this or you’ll get more than just slapping.” He growled. Tachibana-san turns pale. She and her follower quickly retreat back.

Then suddenly a girl pops out from his side. “Are you okay, [Name]?” Said girl is no other than Rinoa. ‘As I thought, Rinoa is not far.’ I chuckled at my own thought.

“I am fine.” I answered. “But, why are you two here?” I asked, I am not surprised with the characters popping out as my friends anymore. Last time, I found out Ignis is our Chemistry teacher and Gladioulus as our school security guard.

“Listen well! this isn’t over! I’ll make your life a living hell!” Tachibana-san sreeched which we of course ignored. The she stomps out here with her rabid fangirls follower.

“Just like always, you are a trouble magnet.” Squall Leonhart, which like to be called Leon sighed.

“You haven’t answered my question... Squeon.” I added my personal nickname just to annoy him.

“Your parents were worried, so they asked me to take care of you.” He said ignoring my nickname.

“I am fine, Squeon.” I said again.

Squall snorts, he lifts my bandaged hand, “And you said this was okay.”

“[Name], you are injured. What happened?” Worrywart Rinoa asked.

“I am okay. It’s just a small wound, Quistis said it will heal in 2 or 3 days.” I said calming Rinoa down.

Then, we heard some footsteps running toward us. The group are rushing to us. “Squall! Rinoa!” They exclaimed happily when they saw them.

“It’s Leon.” He grunted.

“Nooo, it’s Squeon.” I laughed. Squall only glares at me using his infamous glare.

“Long time no see.” Rinoa smiled.

“[Name], are you alright? I heard from some people Tachibana was bullying you, what did she do to you?” The now panicking Tifa asked.

“I am okay. she was just going to slap me, but Squeon stopped her.” I answered.

“WHAT?! She was going to slap you?! That damn bitch! How dare she!” Zack cursed.

“Calm down. I am not strupid just standing there waiting her slaps me.” I snorted. ‘Besides, which idiot will stand still when they are going to be hit.’

“By the way, if Squall and Rinoa are here. Does that mean they are going to be your care taker again?” Cloud asked.

“Yes, they are.” I said grinning.

“Oooooh, it’s rare that we can gather here together. So, how about we go to Chocobo Land  tomorrow?” Yuffie exclaimed excitedly.

“Chocobo Land.... Well, it’s been a while, the last time we go together was on [Name]’s birthday.” Aerith said. With that said, all of us decide to go to Chocobo Land tomorrow. Unbeknwon to me, I am playing right to their trap.~”~

“Eeeeehhhh~ Why can’t you go with us?” I asked, dismayed at the fact we couldn’t spend time together.

“Rinoa isn’t feeling well.” Was Squall short answer.

But I can’t shake the feeling that something is off. “She was fine yesterday.” I mumbled.

“Yesterday and today are different.” But all I did was stare, stare and stare. He sighs, “Just go already, you don’t want to be late, right?” He ushered me to go.

“Yes~” I sulked.

Arriving at the Chocobo Land. Only Noctis is at the rendezvous point. “Hey, Noct, where is the others?” I asked.

“They still haven’t arrived.” He answered.

‘Weird. They are usually on time. Maybe Yuffie will be a little late.’ I blinked at the unusual happening. And suddenly our phones ring at the same time signalling there are messages in our group chat.

Tifa

“Sorry, my parents are out of town suddenly. Need to housesit.”

Yuffie

Some brats in neighborhood are hunting my treasure. Need to safeguard it.

Zack

Am grounded. T.T

Luna

“Sis and I have trouble escaping from arranged marriage.

Stella

“Have fun. We will arrive there late.”

Aerith

“The shop is crowded. I can’t go out yet.”

Squall

“Rinoa is sick. Need to take care of her.”

Rinoa

Sorry guys.

Cloud

“Fixing my bike.”

Vincent

“…Sleepy…”

Prompto

“Helping acquaintance in photoshoot.”

‘What kind of hellish timing is this?’ I sweatdropped. ‘…No matter how I think, they are definitely setting us up.’ I sighed softly.

The two of us look at each other and sigh. “We were set up.” He said. “So, what should we do? Should we go home?” He asked again.

“Hmmm… We’re already here anyway. So, let’s just play. Just the two of us.” I grinned. A small smile is tugging on his lip hearing my sentece. But, unbeknown to us, we were followed by eight enthusiastic stalkers plus two reluctant stalkers and cameras.

Everywhere and anywhere as far as I can see, all I can see is Chocobo. The excitement is building up. “Chocobo♪~ Chocobo♪~.” I hummed out with sparkling eyes.

“Your love for Chocobo is something else.” Noct sweatdropped.

“What can I say, I just love Chocobo.” I giggled. “Then, our first ride will be that.” I pointed to the Chocobo Jet that was quite far from our meeting point.

“Figures you will ride that first.” Noctis chuckled.

“Let’s go!” I giggled excitedly. ‘Just for today. Let me spend a quality time with him. Yes…Just for today.’ The Chocobo Jet is really exciting. “I want to ride it again.” I said enthusiastically.

“Let’s ride the other attraction first. We’ll ride the roller coaster again later.” He sighed helplessly.

“It’s a promise, okay. I won’t go home if I don’t get to ride it again.” I stuck my pinky to him.

“Yes, yes. It’s a promise.” He hooked his pinky to mine. And then seamlessly warps his hand around mine and tugs me along.

I blink at the action. ‘Alert, alert. The parameter is rising.’ A slight blush adorns my cheeks. I quickly put a hand on my cheek to cool it down.

“What’s wrong?” He asked when he saw my weird action.

“Nothing!” I squeaked in high pitched voice.

He blinks, “You are so weird.” He laughed.

“I don’t want to hear that from you.” I stuck my togue out to him.

The next ride is Chocobo Cup. “Spin faster!” I laughed cheerily as I spun the cup faster.

“You’ll get dizzy later.” Noct smiled.

‘Hm…?’ from the corner of my eyes, I think I caught a glimpse of a familiar chocobo head. ‘Was I mistaken?’

“What’s wrong?” Ncoct asked when he realized I stopped spinning.

“Ah, nothing, I thought I saw Cloud.” I shook my head. “It must be my imagination. I mean this is Chocobo Land.” I laughed. All of the visitors are wearing Chocobo headband which we get as a free gift in the entrance.

“What do you want to do next?” He asked.

“Hm…Oh!” My eyes are drawn to the shooting range not far from us. More accurately, drawn to the prizes in that shooting range. “That! Let’s compete!” I turned to Noctis.

“Yes?”

“Let’s see who will get the grand prize first!” I exclaimed.

“Yo, ojou-chan, an-chan. The point for the grand prize is 150. The rule is easy. Your gun has 3 bullets. Knock down the plate with the point written on it. collect 150 points and you have the grand prize. Easy, right?” Baku explained.

“Yep!” I nodded.

“One game is 150 gil.” He smiled.

“Give us two guns.” Noct said as he handed him the money.

“Haiyo!” Baku handed us the bullet.

“The game is on!” I grinned.

~One Round Later~

“Not fair….” I sulked. In the end, Noctis wins with overwhelming victory. I don’t understand how he managed to get 200 points, while I couldn’t even get the 10 points plate down.

“Bwahahahaha! Ojou-chan, you are the best! Your skill is one in one hundred!” Baku laughed merrily.

“Sh-shut up!” I cried out.

“An-chan, your skill is amazing. Usually, the guests will spend more than 3 games to get a hang of this game.” He smirked.

“This is just a fluke. My friend happens to be good at this kind of game. I was only following his advice.” Noct answered.

“Heh. I want to meet this friend of yours.” Baku smirked.

“Next time, I guess.” Noct shrugged his shoulder.

“Bahahaha! I can’t wait!” Baku laughed harder.

While those two are chatting. I am already at my own land of misery. “I am sorry Chocobo. I can’t get you. I am sorry I am such a failure.” I murmured.

“So, what happen to Ojou-chan?” Baku sweatdropped.

“She just happened to love Chocobo a bit too much. Too much that I am jealous.”

“Bwahahaha! You win the game, but lost the war. I really pity you, An-chan” Baku patted his shoulders.

“Haahh…” He sighed. “[Name]. Here, this is yours.” Something is shoved to my face. It’s the grand prize of the shooting range, Golden Chocobo.

“For me?” I blinked.

“Of course.” He rolled his eyes. “If I don’t give it to you. You’ll keep staring at me as if you are having a grudge on me.” He smirked.

“I-I will not.” I flushed.

“Ojou-chan!” Baku called.

“Yes?”

“Here. A consolation prize.” Baku gave me two droppy chocobo hat. “Thanks to Ojou-chan, I have a great laugh today.” Baku grinned.

“Thank you!” I quickly put it on my head, while keeping the headband I got on my small backpack I brought. “Noct, you wear one too.” I gave the hat to him. The said man obediently bends down his body so I can put it on him. “We match!” I laughed happily, completely missing his softened look to me.

“Bahahaha! I pray for your success, an-chan.” Baku laughed.

“Thanks.” Noct replied. While I completely don’t understand what they were talking about. “Let’s go. We still have many attractions to ride.” He tugged my hand along.

“Yes!” ‘I think whether this is a dream or reality, this will be the happiest day of my live.’

Our next destination is, “Chocobo House!!!” I shrieked at the sight. I rush to the house, wanting to see it up close and personal.

“Hey! Don’t run!” I heard Noct’s warning.

“Don’t worry! I am not a child. I won’t fall down. Hurry up! Hurry up!” I urged him.

“We need to buy tickets first.” He sighed.

“Ah.” I blinked, completely forgotten that. Noct rolls his eyes as he pays for the tickets.

“Thank you for the purchase. Please enjoy the house.” The staff smiled.

Chocobo House, truly befitting the name. The house is basically Chocobo den. Look right, there will be a lot of Chocobo. Look left, there will be a lot of Chocobo. Look up, there will be a lot of Chocobo lantern. Look down, the tile is Chocobo pattern. And in the center if the house, there is the fat Chocobo.

“….Can I take that home?” I muttered out loud.

“Will it fit in your room?” Noct sweatdropped.

“I have an unused room. It will fit there. I can just move my Chocobo shrine there.” My eyes sparkled.

“Oi oi oi. Will they even let you buy it. Rather, even if they are willing to sell. Does your pocket money enough?” Noct sighed.

“Hmmm…. I should really get a part time job.” I muttered as I trying to calculate how much the Fat Chocobo will cost.

“Wait! Wait! They are selling the miniature version of Fat Chocobo. Let’s take a look.” Noct dragged me to the merchandise counter. In the end, I buy the Fat Chocobo plushie. More precisely, it was bought for me.

“I could buy it myself. You’ve paid for the rides and tickets. I can at least buy the merchandise myself.” I pouted and frowned as I hugged the plushie.

“It’s fine. I just want to. My father told me I need to spoil you to win your heart. He even willingly and happily to let me spend money to make you his daughter in law.” He muttered.

“Hm? What did you say?” I couldn’t hear the second part of his sentences.

“Nothing. Let’s ride that next.” He pointed to the Chocobo-go-round.

“Okay!” ~”~

“I am hungry~” I whined as I sat on the park bench.

“It’s already 1.00 p.m.” Noctis said as he looked at his watch. “The food court is over there.” Noctis said.

“Yosh! After lunch, we are going to continue.” I beamed, while my companion just shook his head at my antics. “Hey, don’t tell me you don’t enjoy it. Because we know it’s a lie.” I pointed my finger to him.

“I never said I didn’t.” He chuckled.

“Then all is well.” I grinned.

We are sitting in the food court, waiting for our order. The topic of our conversation is the hellish timing our friends have. “They are definitely…” I trailed off.

“…Doing this in purpose…” He finished.

“There’s no way they have this kind of convenient timing of not going. Well, in Zack’s case… he might be really grounded.” I giggled as we glanced secretly to the seats behind us.

“He-hey! Don’t be too noisy, they’ll find out.” A familiar voice of Tifa was heard.

“But, I can’t hear what are they talking about.” Yuffie whined.

“What a sloppy tailing.” I sniggered.

“They really… have too much free time.” Noct sighed.

“They seem don’t know that we’ve know they tailed us from the start.” I laughed merrily, really enjoying this charade. From the corner of my eyes, I can see now they are fighting for food, Zack and Cloud plus Yuffie. “Let’s caught them red handed later.” I laughed.

“Here are your orders.” A kind waitress set down our food.

“Thank you.” We thanked her.

“Please enjoy!” She smiled cheerily.

“Thanks for the food.” ~”~

“Noct. Let’s go over there.” I pointed to an ice-cream stall.

“Didn’t you just eat lunch?” He blinked.

“If it’s for ice cream, I am sure my stomach will make more room.” I answered.

“….What flavor?” He could only helplessly ask.

“Sea-salt ice cream!” I said excitedly.

“Wait here.” He told me and he is off to the stall.

“Ah, I want ice cream too.” I heard Yuffie whined.

“If we go now. We’ll be caught.” Stella reminded.

“But… ice cream…” I could already imagine her face looked like a kicked puppy.

“We need to endure.” Luna said sternly.

“Here.” Noct came back with an ice cream.

“Where is yours?” I blinked as I took the ice cream.

“I am good.” He said.

“Is that so?” I licked the ice. “Mmmnn… It’s delicious.” My eyes sparkled. “Here. Have a taste. It’s delicious. Delicious food should be shared to double the deliciousness.” I grinned.

“…Then, I’ll be happy to oblige.” He smiled softly as eat the ice from my hand.

“How is it? Isn’t it delicious?” I asked animatedly.

“Yeah. It’s delicious.” A ghost smile on his lips.

“See! I told you, you should buy one for yourself.” I said smugly. I quickly devour the ice cream until I realize what have I done. *Poof* ‘He ate mine…. Indirect kiss… No no no, let’s not think about it.… Okay, breathe in… breathe out… It’s okay. It’s just indirect kiss. No biggie….NO! it’s not okay for my heart! Does he even realized what he has done! I know I was the one offered it to him, but…’

“Why is your face red? Is it heatstroke?” He frowned.

“No! I am fine! Completely fine. It’s only a little bit too hot! It’s not a heatstroke!” The completely flustered me squeaked out. “Let’s go there!” I randomly pointed a ride and hurried there, missing the knowing smirk on his face.

The clock has shown 5.30 p.m. the only remaining ride is, “Hey, Noct. Let’s ride Chocobo Wheel.” I dragged him to the line. The said man allows me to drag him, he’s suprisingly obidient.

The Ferris Wheel stops when we are at the top. “When are we going to catch them red handed?” He smirked.

“You’ll see.” I grinned mischievously. “As expected from the highest point. I can see all of them park from here. It’s beautiful.” I was awed by the breathtaking view.

“Indeed…” What I didn’t know is, he wasn’t talking about the view.

The ride has ended. We are back on the land. “Ah! I have to call Squeon, first. I am worried about Rinoa.” I said out loud, letting our stalkers hear. “If he has something he needs, I can swing to the nearest drug store.” I fished out my phone from my bag. Can practically hear the nervous choked sounds from our stalkers. I push the speed dial button number 1. A familiar ringtone rings. My smile widens when I heard that.

“Hello!” I waved to them. We catch our stalkers red handed. “I thought you all have some kind of troubles.” I raised my brow.

“Ahahahha… We were just...uh…worried about you two. Yes, we were worried.” Zack laughed nervously, which then elbowed by Aerith for stuttering.

“So, did you guys get nice pictures? Because I am expecting it.” I snickered.

“I thought you were grounded, Zack.” Noct smirked.

“Hey, everyone! The photos are done. What are- “Yuffie stopped in mid sentence when she saw us. “Ahahahaha. Hello, [Name].” Yuffie greeted me.

“Geh! Noct!” Prompto gasped.

“Yuffie~, Prompto ~ What about those pictures in your hands?” I asked with a smile etched on my face.

“O-oh, th-this is..” She trailed off, senaking a glance on me, I still waiting her answer with a smile. “Eheheheh.... Okay, I give up. Here, all yours.” She gave us the photos they took. To put it simply, those are our candid photos. There are also the others but mostly about me and Noctis.

“Awww, this one is soo cute.” Tifa cooed. The pictures she chooses is the one when Noct was eating my ice cream. The angle is good. It’s just quite embarrassing.

“Heheh. Mine is this.” Luna chose the time when I put Chocobo hat on Noct.

“Oh. I like this one.” Stella picked our competition in shooting range.

“This one is good.” Aerith liked the one where I hug the huge Fat Chocobo in Chocobo House.

“Oookay. Let’s save this for later. For the last ride, we’ll go on Chocobo Jet. I will not allow any objection.” I exclaimed happily. For the last ride. We are fortunate the ride is enough for all of us.

“It was fun! It’s been a while I play this much.” I stretched.

“We should come here together again.” Rinoa smiled.

“Agreed! But no more stalking.” I laughed.

Time sure flies fast. It’s already one week before Christmas, we the girls are shopping for Christmas gift. ‘Sooo, what should I buy? Let’s just buy what they can use everyday.’ The other girls already busy choosing their own gifts. I am just strolling in the accesorries shop. After all of us finished, we head back to home. ~”~

It’s finally Christmas. The girls agreed to gather at Tifa’s house and give a make-over to each other, while I opted to not involved which is not an option. I am also dragged in to the whole fiasco. Exactly 7 p.m. We heard the knock, signaling the boy group has come.

“Merry Christmas.” Zack said excitedly.

“Merry Christmas.” We greeted. After we greeted each other, the party starts. I give them their respective gifts. Earrings for Tifa, bracelet for Yuffie, a necklace for Stella and Luna, a phone case for Vincent, a dress for Aerith, a google for Cloud, another dress for Rinoa and a for Zack, my self proclaimed brother, I gave him a pair of shoes. For my dearest cousin, it’s a leather jacket.

I am now down to the last person, but the said person isn’t in the room. The gift is still clutched in my hand. I see Tifa tilts her head to the yard, I nod and flash a grateful smile.

I found him gazing stars. “Not going to enter?” I asked.

Noctis glances at me and then back to the stars. “Too noisy.” Was his short answer. I laugh lightly at his short, but clear answer.

There is a comfortable silence between us, until I remember the reason I searched him. “Here.” I gave him the small blue box.

“For me?” I nodded at his question. Then he also pulls out something small from his pocket and gives it to me. I look at the gift curiously. I try to guess what’s in this little black box. Seeing the blatant curiosity on my face, Noctis chuckles. “Open it.” He said. With that said, I open the box excitedly. There, in the black box there is a ring necklace. My name is carved on the ring. My eyes widened and let out a small laugh. Noctis only stares at me with raised eyebrow.

“Open my gift.” I said still laughing. With a strange look he opens the box. His eyes also widen, there in the blue box I gave him, there’s also a same ring necklace. the only difference is the carved names. Then a small laugh also escapes from his lips.

“Will you allow me to escort you in the winter ball?” He asked.

This question caught me off guard. I never thought he will ask me let alone think about it. I look left, right and then behind me to see if someone is there. “…Are you practicing so you can ask Luna?” I blinked.

“Why are you bringing up Luna?” He frowned.

“Eh? Why? Because isn’t that so?” I was taken back.

“It’s not.” He sighed exasperated.

“Then… If you are fine with me. I’ll be happy to take on your offer.” I smiled. ~”~

The day before the ball. The girls agree to meet up again in Tifa’s house right after school. They are going to match the dress they’ve bought with their accessories. “Hm? [Name], where’s your dress?” Luna asked.

“Ah, I don’t have one I was sure I am going alone, so I didn’t buy dress. I am going to wear school uniform. The rule didn’t specifically say the dress code is an evening dress.” I smiled sheepishly.

“School…” (Stella)

“Uni…” (Aerith)

“…form” (Tifa)

“You said?!” (Luna)

“Huh? Isn’t Noctis escorting you?” Yuffie blinked.

“He did two days ago. It’s just, I don’t have time to pick up dress. So, I am going to wear school uniform.” I nodded.

“Change of plan.” Stella said seriously.

“Yes. We have a change of plan.” Luna agreed.

“Huh?” I blinked.

“We are going to shop for your dress right now.” Aerith smiled.

“Eh? Right now. We don’t have that much time…anymore.” I finished timidly, seeing their scary smiles.

“Sorry [Name}. Even I can’t help you.” Yuffie said. ~”~

At last, the most dreaded day that I wish never come is finally here. 28th December, that means the winter ball. ‘Why it has to be a ballroom, can we just change to more casual party?’ I groaned.

“[Name], you shouldn’t put that kind of face. You are the prince’s date, are you not?” Zack teased.

“The said prince has the same opinion as me.” I said unamused. The girls and the boys wear a matching color, including Noct and I. Apparently, Luna called Noct and asked, no demanded him to wear a cobalt blue suit, so he can match with my dress.

The hall is decorated just like a real ballroom. There are also snacks and drinks there. Once we enter the hall, Reno instantly flies to the other side of the hall sweet talking to a group of girls. The others asked their dates to dance with them. Being a gentleman he is, our favourite prince also asks me to dance. “I can’t dance.” I smiled wryly.

“Don’t worry. Just follow my lead. Waltz is an easy dance.” He said taking my hand. We dance peacefully until someone with the name of Tachibana Kirika ruins it.

“Noctis dear~” She called with such coquettish voice that it actually made me had a goosebumps. “I am sure I can be a better partner than this plain looking girl.” Tachibana-san winked at him.

“Sorry if I am plain looking. At least, you should learn how to wear a proper make up. The color doesn’t suit you.” I rolled my eyes.

“No, thank you.” He refused politely.

But that sets Tachibana-san in rage. “Exactly what did you see in this girl?” She screeched and pointed her finger to me. “I am prettier and a ton of guys asked me to be their date.” She yelled.

Noctis narrows his eyes. “Then, you can have them to accompany you. Listen, I am tired of your antics. Don’t you dare badmouth her! The next time you do so, I won’t forgive you!” Noctis snapped. Then, Noct storms out from the hall, leaving the said girl there standing dumbfounded and biting her fingernail.

‘Wow, this is the first time I see him angry.’ I too, quietly leaving the hall searching for my partner.

“So, you are here.” I said after I found him on the rooftop. He only stands there unmoving. “Still angry?” I asked.

“Not anymore.” He answered.

“I doubt she will stalk you after your outburst just now.” I laughed.

“She better be.” He let out a snort.

“Hey, Noct.”

“Hm?”

“What was the meaning of the word carved in the golden watch?” I asked as I took out the watch from my dress’ small pocket.

“Are you curious about that?” He asked.

“Very.” Was my answer.

“That is-” He walked closer to me without breaking the eye contact. He stands right in front of me, making me wait with bated breath. He bends down so his mouth right beside my ear, and whispers softly. “Eternal bond.” After saying that, he stood straight. A small smile on his lip, satisfied with my now blushing face.

“You-! Can just say it normally.” I glared at him. The futile glare only makes him smiles. He pulls me toward him. “Wha-” I blinked rapidly as he pressed his lips to mine.

‘Unable to process. [Name].exe crashed.’

I suddenly wake up from my nap and look at my surrounding. I am in my room, the same room before all of that happen, my workbook is still on my desk untouched. “I see, that was a dream after all.” I said disappointed. I blush again remembering the last part of the dream. “What an outrageous dream I had.” I sweatdropped. I put my finger on my lips as if I can still feel the warmth.

“[Name], you idiot. That was just a dream.” I scolded myself. “Rather than thinking about it, I should take a bath.” I mumbled walking to the bathroom. Unbeknown to me there are a ring necklace with my name and a golden watch with its lid opened on my desk.

“Our bond is eternal”

[vinylhazza]

Honor To Us All (G.D)

Summary: Grayson and Y/n watch Mulan, turning movie night into one of playful banter, serenades, and talk of a bigger life through mouthfuls of popcorn. Grayson confesses his real image of his girlfriend - a warrior in his eyes.

Word Count: 1.8k

Warning: Silliness, Fluff, Disney, literally so cheesy I’ll provide the wine: 🍷

“Do you think Mulan knows she’s a bad bitch?” Grayson ponders, stuffing another handful of cheesy popcorn into his mouth.

“I mean...I think she figures it out in the end. Or at least faces the fact that there is no other choice but the brave one. The confidence comes with her achievements - bringing honor to her family and country,” Y/n explains thoughtfully, smiling at how genuine of a question it was from such a big man that’s nothing but a softy that loves Disney.

Grayson sits for a moment longer, watching as Mushu rambles on about putting shame on a cow and what not, giggling at the small dragons rant. It’s always been his favorite character because of his perseverance to be seen as something more than a small sidekick. Plus he makes him laugh uncontrollably hard for being a cartoon and looking like a little lizard. And anything that can make that angelic smile and laugh of his come out is a gift from God, in her opinion.

“Good point. It’s just interesting that she goes into this war zone with all of this grit and dedication without ever being actually exposed to a lifestyle that requires such high expectations,” he mumbles through another mouthful of his snack. She knows he’s only saying this because he spends his time singing the songs instead of actually listening. Yes Grayson Dolan singing Mulan songs is one of the greatest sights she’s ever been blessed with. It’s a sound that bursts from him like he genuinely can’t hide his happiness, airy and with an adorable wheeze that leads to a puff from his inhaler. 

“Well that’s not entirely true. Before she went with the army she was expected to bring honor to her family in a different way: find a husband, be a perfect daughter, a perfect wife, a perfect mother in the future. She was always held to a high standard even if she didn’t live up to it sometimes. The pressure prepared her for it, I believe. It can be brutal to be scrutinized by your own family...belittled for your clumsiness and uniqueness when you’re meant to be so proper and uniform. She was constantly second guessing everything she thought was right and locking her real self away just to maintain an image was never destined to have. The army brought out the individuality in her - even if she was disguised as a man,” she finishes with a huff, out of breath but satisfied with her lengthy answer, popping a few Skittles into her mouth and smiling when she realizes they were all her favorite ones - red and yellow. The superior Skittles. 

The two sit wrapped in each other, scanning their eyes across a screen filled with fighting soldiers, a heaping pile on top of Mulan’s small frame. He takes a moment to comment “ouch” quietly without thinking, ignoring her small giggle at his innocence.

He’s so pure when he wants to be, serious when he has to be, and so totally himself all the time. It’s refreshing in a world so fake. There’s not a lot of men that will sit down and watch a movie like Mulan and actually think about what it means instead of teasing and making fun of the movie the entire duration. He’s not interested in being a douchebag for an image. 

“Be a man, we must be swift as the coursing river, be a man, with all the force of a great typhoon, be a man, with all the strength of a raging fire, mysterious as the dark side of the mooooooooon,” he sings along, laughing at the way she’s watching him scream the lyrics like he really means them, joining in at the end. 

“Fuck them Huns,” Y/n wheezes, slapping at his thigh as she laughs joyfully.

“Literally fuck them Huns,” he agrees through popcorn, hand pressed against his mouth in fear of spilling some due to her own rolling laughter.

When it returns to the calm silence he speaks out again with so much serious she thinks he might be being sarcastic. But no, he’s all serious and curious as always.

“Also he’s a fine ass man how is she not blushing?” he tuts once again, eyebrows dipped down as Li Shang all but sings in Mulan’s face. This is a question she’s thought nearly every time she watches the film, but never had the mind to speak allowed. 

With a chuckle she simply fired back with another question, “She can’t fall over herself everytime she’s with him. She has a purpose for being there. Do you see me blushing every time I’m with you?”

“Yes,” he snarks, grinning again as she punches him in the arm playfully, snuggling into his black sweatshirt he hasn’t changed out of since they woke up a couple hours prior. 

“Shut up,” she giggles like a schoolgirl, hiding in the fabric of his hoodie further, “it’s not my fault you insist on walking around shirtless most of the time.” 

“Well so does Li Shang, so you see my point? The girls just can’t resist the bod,” Grayson gloats, a proud smile with lots of pearly white teeth on his face again. 

“Men are vile creatures.” Her amused mockery get’s her another chuckle before it grows silent once more, both enjoying the company that doesn't need conversation, “and did you just say bod?”

“Mmm mostly and yes, yes I did,” he agrees with a nod, not even finding a good rebuttal that could prove her wrong. He’s good at that, letting her have a peaceful moment. Because that’s what it was - a peaceful moment between two lovers, joking about Mulan on a couch they’ve sat on for far too long, in clothes they haven’t the urge to change, with hearts that won’t stay steady. 

Grayson stops when Mulan shouts from the speakers, covering herself as the soldiers pile into the water, and inevitably laughing as she scurries behind her horse. With a tug on his hoodie he’s yanking it over his head and handing it over to a shivering Y/n, knowing she could get a blanket, but his hoodie is so much better. 

They settle into the comfortable silence, Y/n stealing tiny handfuls of Grayson’s popcorn whenever she got the chance, belting out laughter when it was too much to hold in. He joined in the majority of the time, loving how blissful her laugh sounded, cherishing the way it stuck to every nerve of his heart and had it skipping beats from being overwhelmed. That was what she loved so much about the love they shared, it was plentiful but pure and full - never a dull moment even when they are essentially doing nothing. 

— — —

“I think you’re the Mulan of the world babe,” Grayson remarked with a love struck smile towards the end of the movie, having been silent for most of duration of the film since their little discussion in the beginning.

He’s hurrying to lean in and give his girlfriend a kiss on the cheek before she can question him, suddenly overwhelmed with a strong sense of devotion for this girl he gets to wake up to every morning by the grace of God. He would be so embarassed if anyone knew that he just geinuinely thought to himself just then that she was dreamy. But she was, she really was in every way, the most dreamy.

She smirks, turning as he backs away to quirk an eyebrow at him in question, “Oh really? Why’s that?”

Sitting back against the plush couch he explains the truth behind his claim, even if he’s going to sound cringe and too deep to have just watched an entire Disney movie.

“You never give up, even when things are hard. You keep pushing past all the failures in search of that success that has to come at some point. Even if it means making a sacrifice at your own expense to save someone else or protect something bigger than your ego,” his voice is strong, sure and pure, “you really do bring honor to us all. Even if most people choose to ignore it.”

“If I did everything in life to please other people, I would never be truly fulfilled, and yeah I might relate to Mulan the most but you, my dear, have Li Shang written all over. You’re always going on about duty, honor, making your family proud, even the country, always thinking outside of the box, owning up to mistakes and making sure you don’t make them again. You’re not easily defeated. You see purpose in all things, understand the rules and instead of trying to defy them like myself, you bring balance - hence why we are so good for each other.” Y/n strokes her fingers through his luscious hair,

“Well I would go to war for you, love,” he teases, rubbing his nose against hers for a tender eskimo kiss. He rarely uses that pet name, but loves her reaction when he does. 

“Hmm and I would do the same for you, darling,” she hums back, holding his face close with both of her hands, cupping his face right under the strong bones of his jawline. It’s a gag worthy moment, sappy and cliche, something that if walked in on, they would both blush and cower in embarrassment. But in this moment, with the two of them sitting still, foreheads touching, with the ending credits of a fairytale rolling, they couldn’t care less about lingering eyes that might see their moment that means so much.

“You’re like fire, unstoppable and warm, you never let anyone ruin it for you...I wish I could be that way,” Grayson gulps, stroking her temple with his thumb.

“You are that way. You’re one of the strongest people I’ve ever known. You’re exactly like all of the strongest charcters in every movie and honestly fuck Li Shang right now because you’re better because you’re real.” Y/n is observant. Always watching. Not in a weird, stalker way. She simply likes to know the details, little things that make someone who they are that they might be ashamed of at some point, or maybe things they don’t even notice.

She notices. She notices that his leg in bouncing right now because he’s wondering if she liked the kiss, even if he’s kissed her a thousand times and she always pulls away blushing. She notices the way his left hand has dropped to rub at her thigh like he does when he feels comfortable. She takes note at the small smile he gives when she laces her fingers with his to soothe his nerves, knowing it makes him feel better to be touched when he’s nervous. She notices his love language so she can meet him halfway. He’s her prince and she’s not ashamed to show it.

People say fairytales can’t be real, but Grayson proves them wrong every single day.

He’s looking at her with that grin, the one where he looks sneaky. He wears this smile when he’s excited, so completely happy, or getting ready to tickle you. There’s no in between, but right now, with the remote waving in his hand, you know exactly what page he’s on.

“So...Tangled?”

[dunniekowrites-tbhk]

hiii! how about teru with a f reader that always wears makeup to hide her freckles (heh insecure) and even when they sleep together (just cuddling lmao not nsfw) she hides her face and then one day he goes over to her house maybe and she just got out of the shower and OBV DIDNT PUT MAKEUP ON and he discovers her freckles!! and actually loves them! (i hope) AND REASSURES HER THAT HE LOVER HER FRECKLES AND THAT SHE IS PWETTY AND ALL STUFF! CUDDLING AND FLUFF 🥺💕💕

that can be scenario if u want :) or hc 

i mixed hcs with scenario I hope you’re okay with that asdfghkdskjkznk it’s a tiny bit angsty.

❥ T E R U  X  F R E C K L E S ! R E A D E R

❀ ┈──╌❊╌──┈ ✿ 

- Teru always had tell you that he loves you no matter what, for him it doesn’t matter how your body or face look, he would love you for who you are and he would accept all your flaws and qualities.

- He doesn’t mind you wearing make up, it’s your life and you can do whatever you want. But he doesn’t know you do that to hide your freckles hhh

- Whenever you guys are cuddling, he is holding you close to his chest and resting his chin on your head, you’d always look down or hide your face, he thought you were embarassed or something, but he wanted to see your cute face too! :(

- He is used to go in your house for study dates or in the weekends so you two can spend time together, watching movies, read, snuggle, etc. So it’s quite normal when he appears knocking in your door, to be honest it got quite irritating so you made a copy of your key to him.╮( ˘ ､ ˘ )╭ with permission of your parents of course.

- But you didn’t think he would appear in your house out of nowhere, it was Saturday and he had plans for you two that day, so he came and and waited for you in the couch, you just finished in the shower and put some comfy clothes, you went to the living room, drying your hair, when you locked eyes with him.

- Awkward silence.

- A h.

- You immediately cover your face with your hands, turning around and going straight to your room.

- Until you felt a hand grab your wrist.

“— Wait! Y/N!” - You could feel the confusion and concern in his voice, you couldn’t resist, and just stood there, static, looking down, letting shame fall from your shoulders.

“— Why didn’t you tell me before ..?” - You clenched your fist, trying to hold back the tears when you felt him wrap his arms around you in a sweet embrace, like you were a frail flower.

“— I..I don’t like my freckles Teru, haha ​​.. Did you never suspect why I never stare at you for a long time when we’re close? Why I always wear a lot of makeup? I’ve always feared that you found out, and now you know ..” - You said with a shaky voice, he tensed up after feeling your body tremble promptly. He found out. If you were more cautious, more attentive, everything would stay the same, but he found out, and it was your fault.

“— Y/n.. What are you sayin-”

“— I hate it Teru! I hate it! I’m fuckin’ insecure! I feel ugly with them! Don’t you see?!”

Crack..

Crack..

Paft.

The wall you built from the beginning was collapsing, you finally let yourself break in front of him, the mirror of your self-control shattered, you finally let the tears drop, falling on your broken porcelain skin, crying out of frustation, drowning in your self-pity. Why do I had to be so damn weak?!

Sniff.

You turned your head to face him, even if you felt like you couldn’t, you tried. You felt his embrace tighten around you, he had tears streaming down, heavy as pearls, but not as heavy as your feeling of guilt. You didn’t want this, you didn’t want him to cry. You opened your mouth but before you had a chance to say anything, he entwined you in his arms.

“— Why? ” His lower lip was quivering, he tried not to sound so desperate. “— Why would you do something like this? ” - He waited for some seconds before staring at you. “— Y/n, I..love you, and you know that. I love you unconditionally, and I will continue loving you, no matter what happens, in joy, in sadness, in health, in illness - any situation. But I need you to know..”

He adjusted a lock of hair behind your ear, with a soft smile and understanding eyes, he continued:

“— I need you to know that I’m here for you and that I care about you, and I can’t stand looking at you treating yourself so badly like that..”

“— I-I thought you wouldn’t like them..I t-thought I would look ugl-” - Before you could babble other word, his lips were on yours, giving you a sweet peck.

“— You thought wrong. You couldn’t be more wrong, and I couldn’t be more blind myself for not noticing it.” - He chuckled. “— I love you for who you are, Y/n. I couldn’t care less if you have freckles or not, you’re beautiful in my eyes. ” - Soft kisses were planted on your cheek as he wipped your tears away, caressing softly. You didn’t know what to feel at that moment. Happiness? Gratefulness? Were you blessed? Blessed by having this angel with you?

“— A-Are you serious..?”

“— Very serious. ” - He affirmed. “— By the way, I love them. ”

“— What? ”

“— I love your freckles. If I had to say, they match you. I love them as much as I love you, and I love every part of you, every part you feel like you aren’t good enough, or pretty enough, I love them. ” - He leaned over so he could be at the same height as you, grabbing your chin gently so you could stare at him properly, he stated:

“— I love them all because they’re part of you, and I reassure you that. You’re pretty, no matter what.”

He stroked your hair smoothly, placing a kiss that carried love, respect and all his feelings in it, on your forehead. It was like time has stopped and you couldn’t feel other thing than happiness, your heart wasn’t beating fast, it was just..calm. You found peace in his arms, and you didn’t want to leave. Ever.

You tightened the fabric of his shirt and smiled tenderly. That’s when you knew you could continue crying, but crying of happiness, you were so grateful for having him in your life.

Bonus:

The night was cold and peaceful, you and Teru were tangled watching a movie in the couch, a warm and fluffy blanket covering you two, his arms were wrapped around you like he was protecting you from all the bad things this world has to offer, all the sadness, the cruelty, everything was vanished, reduced to dust. You felt safe, loved, and you loved him. You were resting your head on his shoulder, giving and receiving loving soft kisses, sharing this wonderful feeling. You just wished this moment could last forever.

[hackedmotionsensors]

you ever read a text message that’s two months late bc you ignore most messages that come onto your phone becase 99% of them are the damned group chat that you hardly participate in or spam calls from democrats making sure you vote to keep Newsome (I’m gonna please stop texting me) or they’re from your weekly trip to get poke letting you know your poke bowl is ready.

And that message is a scathing reply from the guy you didn’t want to talk to in the first place who 1) made you cry because he made you feel stupid but you didn’t say anything so you got a little bit bitchy in response the next time you played games (my bad obviously) but you also took a few weeks away from playing said game because it felt toxic to you. You felt like hey maybe this isn’t for me if this is the vibe. Also you had other things you wanted to do on a saturday night no offense. So then you go and tell your IRL friend about this who’s a mutual acquaintence about what was going on and just that it made you cry bc you had to get it off your chest or you were going to explode. And then that guy goes and asks HER about it and she tells him (thanks a lot) and then HE turns it into a big deal when all you wanted to do was let it fester and then pass hoping that your ADHD would eventually let it go (shocker it actually did)

2) he then HOUNDS you over the phone because HE JUST WANTS TO TALK CAN’T WE TALK ABOUT THIS LIKE ADULTS. And you are physically and mentally not okay to talk about it. This has never happened to you before. People, men especially, never want to TALK THINGS OUT. They just assume I’m a bitch (i am) and treat me as such. I’m okay with that. I don’t want to talk about how you made me cry for nearly a week straight or how I wanted to kinda k-word myself because I felt so stupid and that I was basically a wreck on this whole situation on top of being unemployed for so long on top of a pandemic on top of not being able to see my family for well over a year. LoL I messed up the pronouns at this point but oh well. (are I and you pronouns? Idk I’ve been out of school for a very long while)  So yes you create a slightly bigger problem by not answering the phone. But the other reason this pops off like this is because he messaged me in the group chat. Again a thing I do not check bc I don’t like group chats. I don’t like getting multiple messages all at once because the messaging gives me anxiety or something. It sets me on edge. Probably to do with my ADHD but if I’m trying to think of something else and my phone is blowing up its easier for me to just turn the volume off. HOWEVER on this occassion I accidentally let my phone die. ITS A REALLY OLD PHONE. And because of the pandemic the only people who call me are my mom and dad. Literally no one else except for my good friend Scam Likely.  So I missed his initial question to me which he took as being a slight. So then he starts calling me demanding I talk to him.” Is it too much to ask for a conversation” KIND OF RIGHT NOW DUDE. So then i reply about how look i can’t do this right now. I’m kind of stressed about a lot of stuff (i was) I don’t really have the ability to talk right now. Then a week or so later he asks me again. That was also when I fucking poisoned myself lmfao So I say I can’t talk today why don’t we talk tomorrow. So then I waited all day for him to call. No call came. So I figured. Fine. You were the one who wanted to talk to me. I’m not going to call you . I didn’t want to make a big fucking deal about this in the first place. I wanted to sit in my shame hole and cry and then get over it.

So then.

I forgot.

I didn’t forget about all this I just sorta forgot about the phone call bc he never called me back. I didn’t realize in his mind I was supposed to call HIM.

3) he waits a month and then sends me that scathing text. How I’m a bad friend to his girlfriend (who I’m actually friends with but maybe not anymore bc of all this). He tells me how I was as rude to him as he was to me (I called him fat legs and admittedly it was harsh and mean [he’s not fat by any means but it wasn’t cool] and I felt bad about it. HOWEVER. I HIGHLY DOUBT HE SPENT THE FOLLOWING WEEK CRYING AND WANTING TO DIE. SO. IDK MAN. Also I got meaner AFTER the crying fit. So. Yknow. Not cool and not mature absolutely and I’ll apologize for that for sure. But I highly doubt I was the forefront of your mind whereas I had trouble getting out of bed or wanting to idk LIVE??? I’m not gonna blame this on ADHD but there is 100% a thing I suffer from and that’s that compounded rejection behavior where a simple rejection or feeling of rejection its PROFOUNDLY TAKEN BAD. Its probably gotten worse since I have no human outlet to talk to. Especially since the last person I tried to talk to ratted me out. 

So I miss this huge text message basically telling me that I’m a bad friend. To not talk to him ever again. If I ever say anything to him he’s going to call me out. How I’m immature and a bad person. How I got mad over “mario kart” (that wasn’t what it was about) and that’s really stupid.

So yknow. I had to reply to that. But at this point its two+ months late. So it doesn’t even matter at this point. I’ve basically lost a friend I really really liked and thought the world of because of her fiance treating me like ....I don’t even know what this treatment is but he got really bossy and in my face about this and I come from a family where we either hold a grudge or scream at the top of our lungs at each other. I’ve never once been hounded like that. Which I mean is probably ACTUALLY the mature response. I don’t even know. It doesn’t matter now because I fucked it all up and I feel even more stupid than I did before. I want to talk to someone about this but I literally can’t. 

Do NOT reblog this because its super personal and embarassing and I’ll probably delete it later anyway.

I was having a pretty fun day (albeit having it start late which I don’t like) until I saw this literally as I was leaving the house..

[iam-kenough]

Will  you ever notice me? Arthur Morgan x Original Female Character

Summary:  During they wandering in deep snowstorm, man from van  der Linde gang found odd looking girl and Dutch decides to take her to  camp to see if she can be any use, leading life of outlaw with them.  Quickly, new girl develops feelings towards Arthur, but he sees her just  as a kid...and she won't take that! It's an original character story  that starts in the place where Arthur, Dutch and Micah were supposed to  first meet with Sadie. Instead she's already with them.

Authors notes: It’s another chapter and you can find the rest of chapter on my blog if you want to read more of my fanfiction. I decided to post all parts I have at once so the fic could catch more attention. Word count: 2702 Chapter 3 In few long days she started accepting her fate, to call it this way.  Iris told herself that it was fast crush and it will disappear also fast. They could be friends after all and she hasn't manage to make it awkward yet. It was just really strange that Arthur had zero interest in any woman, not saying only about her. Once they went to saloon after one of errands and two working girls was throwing themselves on Arthur. ''That's not a way to talk a lady!'' said one of them after he snapped something at her. ''I didn't know I was talking to a lady!' he laughed, swallowing a glass of whiskey at once. Yea, Arthur Morgan was weird. And all those things about getting baths with dogs and being old and awkward, they seemed to be true. Iris accepted the fact her crush will never notice her the way she noticed him and she moved on. She just felt little bit sad looking at him and not sharing all her thoughts with him, but days were still the same. She was listening to him every evening.It was beautiful, warm day that smelled like forest and sun and everything Iris loved. She never understood why her family choosed to live in mountains. She was dressed in blouse without arms and sun kissed them, making it easier for freckles to appear. Deeply in her head, admiring everything around she was riding her horse towards Saint Denis. And she had her lovely companion. - Everything alright, Mr Morgan? You seem worried. - It's stupid - he said, scratching his chin. So he was embarassed, Iris assumed. - You always ask about my stupid things. You can tell me, you are my friend - she smiled brightly. Forgetting about those romantic feelings towards him was easier when she remided herself that ''he's just a friend''. - It's the thing that Mary asked me for help. I saw her few times in last weeks...And I don't know, kid. She seems to want me back again. Iris remembered Mary, Arthur shared his tales about her with Iris during one of their nigh talks. It was the same woman who left him, 'cause daddy forbid her to be with some dirty outlaw.  Now she needed to behave mature, even if she hated that woman already just for stealing Arthur's heart - she couldn't do it so far. - You know, Mr Morgan, remember how it finished between you two last time. - She seems to be a little different woman now. I don't even know if I'm not overthinking it, maybe she was just nice, ya know. - One way or another, you need to see yourself if she's worthy second chance. And if you are not sure about her feelings - tell her. You both adults - Iris fixed her hair, now it was streaming down her back. Every man would look at her now, dreaming about their hands on small of her back. But if was Arthur Morgan. He scratched his chin again and nodded. - You smart with those things. Feelings I mean. - I just know what happens when you hide your feelings. Especially if you are bad at it, Mr Morgan. - Ya say I'm bad at keeping my emotions? - he seemed offended. She smiled sweetely. He was charming, especially when he was honest. - No, I'm just saying that you seem to honest and straight forward to play some weird games with anyone. You shouldn't lie to Mary or hide your feelings towards her - she chewed her lip, 'cause next sentence could wreck her. But it won't, not anymore - Especially if you really love her, Mr Morgan. - I- I don't know, kid - he stuttered - you seem to know everything so I will trust you but I don't know if she wants to be loved by me. Look at me. And she looked, oh she did. She looked at his gentle face covered in scars, his honey-blond hair, his emerald eyes and his big frame. He's larger than life. - I'm looking and I need to say that Mary would be stupid turning you down. Even if you're an outlaw, Mr Morgan, you deserve better than you think - she muttered. Iris was glad they were already in Saint Denis 'cause she would cry if she would talk to him more. She wanted visit town to buy herself more clothes, she saved big money from what gang stole since she joined them and she needed dresses, a comb, maybe some other stupid, girly things. They hitched their horses and splited.Hours later Iris had everything. Few nice dresses and other things that lifted her spirit. She even attended hairdresser and now her locks were a little bit shorter. She stopped to look at herself in shop's window. She wasn't that bad...One day probably some man will fall for her and she will settle for him and give him kids. Romance's from Mary-Beth books seemed beautiful but her prince charming wasn't hers and that was it. She stopped at corner of the street when she saw them. Arthur was talking to woman who had to be Mary. And she was gorgeous. Iris started envy her right away.  Her cute dress, her big, doe eyes, her neatly arranged her and...and of course she envied her Arthur. Brunette hid herself and with strong shame feeling started eavesdropping at them. It seemed they just left theater, which meant Arthur took Mary for a date. So it was really her fault she didn't deserved him, 'cause obviously he liked woman despite what girls in camp was saying. - I really miss you, Mary - he said and Iris's heart dropped on the floor. But she wanted to listen, she wanted to know every small detail Mary had but she lacked. - I miss you two, Arthur.  Ah, you still something, aren't you. - You seem to be the only one to think that - he laughed nervously. He fancied her, oh he did. Iris's lips became thin line. Their heads was close, now closer and then they kissed. She covered her mouth as she watched. She shouldn't to save her heart and it was creepy what she was doing but couldn't stop. Their mouth seemed to fit each other perfectly. If Iris's heart dropped on the floor, now it was just sad puddle and all she saw was fireworks but in very bad way. Like she almost fainted. Quickly and swiftly she backed out of area and marched towards their horses. Big clock on one of building said that if she's gonna get back to them, Arthur will also come soon and they will be back to camp. Few minutes passed and she saw him coming in her direction. Arthur's face seemed so happy and he looked directly at her face. Two of them grabbed their horses and headed back to the camp. - You were right, kid - Arthur started out of the blue. - About Mary? - Iris was looking directly in front of her. Glad her pop was alcoholic who couldn't stand tears and she learned to hold them back other way she would cry by now. - Yes, 'bout her. She seems to share feelings with me, you know. Brunette noded, smiling at him. It wasn't his fault he was oblivious and that she was crybaby and...and a kid. And what's more Arthurs mood was lifted. - But I don't think I'm gonna push her further. She would like me to work decent job, you know. Sleep in bed every night. Move to Saint Denis. - Well - she took the deepest, the most calming breath as she said - that's probably because she loves you and want to be close. - But that ain't who I am. I will always be like that and probably die ugly some day. It would be easier if she joined us like you. But she won't. - It's not for everybody, I get her.  She is town girl and from what you said her father has big influence on her. That's not good. - Yea, you right kid - he cleared his throat - No woman would want this life for herself just to be with man like me. - I would - she bursted out. She almost panicked but he missed sense of her words, he wasn't shoked at all.   So Iris continued. - When I lived with my pop and brother I wanted town life for myself. My father always was telling me that no man would like skinny chicken like me and that I won't get married. So I decided I'm gonna move to town and enroll to university. In this time...he was already drinking too much and we were poor, Olgierd's the only one who provided us with food and I started stealing books - her hands was shaking a little bit as she reminded herself those embarassing stuff - and I learned from them to enroll and become a doctor. From then father was saying not only I'm skinny chicken who lacks any womanhood but also that no one would go to female doctor.  I wasn't stupid kid, you know Mr Morgan. Just born in wrong family, or some shit like that. And I knew that if I'm gonna work hard and steal, I will make my dreams come true. One day pop was really angry and when I wasn't home he grabbed all those books, threw them on the ground in front of our house, poured whisky on them and set them on fire. Arthur was looking at her differently now. Like she scarred him. But Iris smiled and him and finished: - What was my point is that I won't be any town girl who goes to school. I won't be anybody's wife too, too late for me to look after a husband since now, among town people I'm considered too old to marry. But I started liking living like we live, Mr Morgan. At least we can be free and our feelings are free, we can love whoever we want among our kind. - You seem sad, kiddo. Like y'didn't mean those things you saying. - I do...I just met this person we were talking about one day. I think he turned me down. - I-I am sorry - his horse catched up hers and Arthur caressed her back. She shivered like she was supposed to fall apart under his touch. He never touched her before and even though it was platonic touch her heart skipped a beat - I am no good with words, ya know. I can listen to ya tho. - There isn't much to listen. We are clear now. Friends it is. - Am sorry, ya very beautiful a-and smart ya know, ya don't deserve to be pushed around like this. It was too much. He just called her smart and beautiful after he kissed love of his life and he didn't even know for real why she was  so upset and he was saying all those things after many weeks when he turned her down calling her a kid and not noticing how sweet she was on him. - Thank you, Arthur. You saying those things...it means a lot for me - it was first time she called him by his name. Big knot in her stomach ached and she was glad they entered the camp. She ran away from him immediately, throwing things she bought inside her tent. Almost everyone from camp seemed to be gathered around the campfire, someone played the guitar and she noticed crate of beer. Iris felt like getting drunk, really drunk and fall asleep wasted so she won't have to talk with Arthur tonight. She grabbed one beer and downed it immediately, Mary-Beth throwing her look full of questions when Arthur also joined the gathering. He sat on the log and made space for Iris, patting it softly. Iris saw it but decided to play dumb and blind as she sat next to Dutch. - Where's ya girl, Dutchy? Almost miss her throwing daggers at me- She patted his arm and passed him bottle of beer. - Not my girl anymore and thanks God for that, crazy bitch. - Sorry to hear that. But I need to tell you my heart is also broken. Love's a bitch, ain't it? - she smirked as she raised a toast and their bottles clicked together. - Love is a bitch, indeed - he said slowly as his arm suddenly wandered around her waist. She blushed. Arthur didn't like that. Something felt off with Iris and he couldn't tell what. She was nice to him as always and she really helped him out with settling things with Mary down but she seemed to drift apart from him. Of course, you old fool, you lied to yourself you are her closest friend here when actually she just pity you.  And he didn't like that she and Dutch were so close right now. She was only 20, looking out for her 21st birthday and she let this man who's even older than Arthur himself throwing his hands around her body. Who saved him from getting up and saying one word too much was Mary- Beth who catched Iris's arm and dragged her away. He saw them disappearing in a distance behind the trees. Arthur decided to listen to them. - Hey, you've been gone whole day and now I see you try to get drunk as quickly as possible. I don't have to say I am your girlfriend and I know when something's up. Spill the beans then, don't make it harded for me - Blonde was caressing Iris's back as they sat down on wooden log. - He turned me down today - she said and then she become whispering, making it even harder for Arthur to understand. - H-him? Are we talking about the same person? He wouldn't say anything mean toward a horse, not saying girl like you! - Well...it wasn't the way you think it was. I just...I just saw him with somebody else and it is clear for me now. - You don't say! - Mary's eyes became big and she covered her mouth. - Am saying what am saying. But I am not mad at him, you know. Can't compare myself to sweetie he's in love with. - Is she...is she older than you? - For sure! Better looking, too - she looked down at her bust as she squeezed them - And obviously she's curvy and she has those big, doe eyes, you know. No wonder he fancy her. Then Arthur heard her muffled crying. Who was she talking about? Is the guy she's seeing cheating on her? Why would she talk with him then? - So...now you at least know he's not made for you, sweetheart - Mary-Berth murmured, holding her closely. - I am not made for anyone, look at me! She even wears black hair better than me and I was born with it, Mary-Beth! - Shh, you gonna be loved...Look at Dutch, he's totally sweet for you.   Molly left him few days ago and I heard it was because he wanted you . - No! No, don't say that, please. I am the reason they argued this much lately? That's even worse - now she was ugly crying - I have no interest in Dutch! What a mess! It was so bad. She didn't told him about all those things? Arthur felt like he needed to ask so he hid carefuly, seeing Mary-Beth leaving so Iris could cry herself in peace as she asked. He waited few minutes and then decided to walk on her. - Hey, kiddo, you okay there? She started crying even uglier when she heard him. He wouldn't tell it's because of him anyway now. - Yes, yes - she waved his hand, wiping her face with muslin tissue - Just small melt down. - Can you tell me about it? I-I know I am not much of a friend but I said I can listen. She inhaled sharply and decided. It's do or die. If he will turn her down it will be easier for her to left the camp, like she planned last night. - Arthur, I-

[dreadwulf]

*sigh* Okay, I just had to write this all out to get it off my chest and hopefully get over it and move on.

People tell me I look just like Brienne of Tarth. I’m tall, blonde, broad-shouldered, and homely. I get mistaken for a man, even when I have long hair that goes all down my back, even wearing a dress. I’ve gotten used to it.

My earliest memory of school is lying on the ground while a crowd of boys are kicking and hitting me, because I was an ugly freak. Girls grow earlier than boys do, you see. I was the tallest kid in my elementary, and I was hated for it. I endured constant abuse. When I got a little bit older, and I was almost 6 feet tall when I was 12, the abuse mostly turned away from being physical and into emotional and psychological. Girls followed me into the bathroom, laughing at how my clothes didn’t fit, how awkward I was, how masculine. Boys no longer hit me, just ignored or ridiculed me. Because it was the 80s I heard constant references to the East German olympic team, how I looked like a member. I didn’t understand the references at the time, but I knew it was yet another reference to how I didn’t measure up as a woman. Much later I learned about how those women were dosed with testosterone by the government against their will - a terrible story that the people around me regarded as a joke.  There’s nothing funnier than a manish woman, apparently.

When I was young I was undatable, never considered an option to anyone. I never kissed anyone until I was in my twenties, and was a virgin until I was 25. It’s bizarre when I look back now at photos of myself, because I’m expecting a hideous monster, and all I see is an ordinary girl - a little taller, broad-shouldered and plain, not pretty, but ordinary. But it all got into my head, you see. Inside I still feel like a freak. Undesireable. Unloved.

I started watching Game of Thrones from the first episode (mainly because I’m a big fan of Peter Dinklage!), and I was intrigued. Intrigued, but not obsessed, not yet. I’m a grown woman and I don’t have time for that sort of thing. But the first time Brienne of Tarth took off her helmet onscreen and I saw her face, I literally pointed at the screen and said out loud, “that’s me!”

Never in my life have I reacted that way before. Never before, and never since.

Granted, the actress who plays her is a great beauty, but the character of Brienne I latched onto instantly and felt a deep kinship with, especially after reading her story in the books. How as a child she was a girl very much like Sansa, who loved songs and romance and dancing and other girlish things, but the adults around her told her she was too ugly. Her septa told her no one would ever love or want her. She was shamed for wearing dresses and trying to be feminine, was told she was embarassing herself because her body was not womanly enough. She was made to feel like a failure just for existing, for being umarriagable, for causing the end of her house by being so ugly that no one wanted her. But instead of just crumbling and disappearing, Brienne of Tarth took up a sword and decided to make something else of herself. She wanted to help people, she wanted to contribute something to the world, and she decided to find a good lord and serve them as a knight. Brienne is brave and caring and defends the weak and wants to protect the people she loves. Brienne is a hero. She is a hero while not being tiny and delicate and pretty but large, sturdy, and ugly. In that she is completely unique, and completely wonderful.

A lot of old wounds opened up, watching that story and reading A Feast For Crows. Old issues I thought I was over all came back up. I identified powerfully with having your femininity stolen from you because your body is different, with being abused for not being woman enough, and with longing for love in a world that hates you. I remembered being hated, constantly and visciously hated, just for existing. I relived the bone-deep belief that I would spend my entire life alone, because no one would ever want me, a belief that was constantly validated by the actual people around me. I became painfully aware of the sense that I still have to this day of being constantly too big, too loud, too much, that has me slouching and shrinking and taking up less space and whispering timidly and the effect that those things have had on my life and career to this day.

And watching Brienne’s story, I saw how someone can endure the same things I did, and keep trying. Can keep struggling to succeed, and even fall in love. That was the most amazing thing of all, you see. This woman on television who looked like me, she was a love interest! She had her own romantic storyline! I could hardly believe it at first. I watched through my fingers trying to talk myself out of hoping. Because this never happens - an ugly woman, a masculine woman, is never desirable in fiction, never important enough to the story to be a love interest, and never worthy of romance. Yet here it was, it was happening right in front of my eyes.

Her love story with Jaime Lannister was a competely unique thing on television. An ugly woman with a beautiful man. A bond of deep respect and admiration, with undeniable sexual tension. Here were two people who can understand each other because they have both been hated for reasons beyond their control, who sought refuge in honor and knighthood and were loathed for it. Brienne understood how hatred can warp a person, make them someone they never meant to be, just the way she herself had been made to harden and close off to the world. She saw the person that Jaime might have been, if things had gone differently, and the man he could still become. Jaime for his part saw worth in her when everyone around him called her ridiculous, even though she was his enemy. He still knew that she was more deserving than any knight in Westeros, and believed in her when no one else in the world did. He gave her a sword and a quest and even a squire, lost his hand defending her, and he put his own life on the line to save hers.

Jaime openly adored her, looked at her like she was the most wonderful thing in the world, and I have never seen anything like that. A woman who looks like me, being looked at like that. Do you know what that felt like for me? Can you imagine it?

This story meant a lot to me, is what I’m saying. It was healing for me. I believed in that story, and I expected that even if there wouldn’t be a happy ending, at least there would be that respect for the character, and that she would be taken seriously by the narrative and her story would be completed in some fashion.

And then they aired Season 8.

In season 8 we learn that not only did the show never bother to adapt her storylines from the books, where she is slated to face Lady Stoneheart and the Brotherhood Without Banners, they gave her no story in replacement. She has no material impact on the storyline of the show, she simply doesn’t matter in any way. The only major storyline they kept from the books was her romance with Jaime Lannister, and in Season 8 they destroy that story in the cruelest possible way.

After emphasizing that Brienne is an adult virgin, they give her one scene with what we thought was her love interest, where they share one kiss. One. Onscreen within seconds of Brienne being naked Jaime looks dissatisfied and unhappy, and in the same episode, leaves her to go back to his traditionally beautiful ex. Leaves her crying and pleading with him to stay. And then her story ends, except for a brief bookend where she writes an entry in the White Book showing she still loved him, even though he abandoned and betrayed her in the worst way possible.

Right now I’d really like to know if anyone involved with this show ever gave a moment’s thought to what it would be like to watch that happen. After years of patiently waiting to get the love story we were promised for five seasons, instead, to humiliate and punish Brienne for daring to think she deserved love. Did anyone ever consider what that would feel like for women like me? If they did think about it, I hope they enjoyed the hurt they caused me, because the way this story played out felt outright malicious and hateful. They could have given me one tender moment, one declaration of love or affection, just to know what it would look like to see that onscreen for a woman like me. Instead they deliberately withheld that. And then went out of their way to invalidate absolutely everything about the storyline we had been watching, as if it had never happened, as if we had imagined it all, and been foolish to believe in it in the first place.

Yes, I know, it’s only a story, but stories matter. We wouldn’t put nearly the effort and investment into them that we do as a culture if they didn’t. My story has never mattered before, and it meant something to me over the last 8 years that someone was telling it. So was this ending intended as a deliberate slap in my face, or was that collateral damage that the show simply did not care about?

The messages sent by our media are sometimes unintentional, but they are usually given at least some consideration. So I wonder what sort of message was trying to be sent by giving the gender non-comforming woman who dared to open her heart an immediate rejection, and have her then swear to serve a celibate organization for the rest of her life? Giving up her inheritance, her island, her own sworn vows to Sansa, and everything else she cared about? Am I meant to regard this as a happy ending, I wonder? Her feelings and dreams don’t matter, but hey, she has a position in the small council, so Girl Power! Was there a single woman anywhere involved in this production who might have pointed out how awful this is?

I understand that what’s done is done and there’s no fixing this, and complaining about it is pointless. But what I really want, what I wish for, is for somebody to confirm that at least at some point this was a love story, and that for whatever reason, network interference or showrunner decision or whatever it was, it was changed at the last minute. Just tell me that at some point the intent was real. To know that would be helpful. Because right now I feel like a stupid chump for ever believing that anybody wanted a woman like me to have a love story, and you cannot imagine how much that hurts.

[beyondthetemples-ooc]

i don’t think i’ve ever Talked About This except in the briefest of passing, but i didn’t Record It anywhere else, and you don’t have to read this if you don’t want to. (Update: It got Really Fucking Long. Three screens so far!) 

But I think I need to write about it, before I start forgetting it’s A Thing again.

I struggle with something called Secondary Anorexia.

I phrased it as such very intentionally-- “I struggle with”, not “struggled”, not “healed from”, not “I had”. Because, as far as I can tell, from my own experience, my own perspective with having both, it’s a lot like my experience with depression, or the phobia, or ptsd, or adhd. The scars from it are always there. It’s a sort of addiction, to a sort of thought habit, that your subconscious thinks, for whatever maladaptive reason, will help you.

You can learn to recover your bearings after a breakdown. You can learn to return to normal more quickly. You can learn to cope with it. You can learn to be brave and fight with it when it starts acting up. You can even learn to defeat it! But the memories, scars, and habits remain with you, pitting your present condition against your past experiences, even when you’ve done everything in your power to train your brain.

Every single thought you have has the power to change your brain on a physical level. Did you know that? (This isn’t modern optimism; a real neurological fact based on science and studies.) Your Thoughts Change Your Brain.

But the thing is, sometimes your thoughts aren’t as Empowered to make as BIG of a change as that traumatic moment when your amygdala, and whatever other parts of your brain that process Thoughts and Emotions and Long-Term Memory got involved. 

You still have depression, or a phobia, or ptsd, or adhd. You’ve just learned to live with it.

And this anorexia? I’m still learning how to fight it. And I’m going to be honest, a lot of my motivation isn’t some abstract, long-term health goal, like “it’s not healthy to skip meals”. But I fight because, almost, almost as traumatic as the times when My Phobia was Triggered, were the times I passed out. Hit my face on furniture on the way down. Felt absolutely dreadfully ill even if I’d eaten that day, even hours after coming to, because my body was just so absolutely exhausted and hypoglycemic that I could barely lift my hand. The sociophobic guilt and embarassment when you pass out right in front of someone. Especially with your brain so fogged it would put San Francisco to shame, and you can’t explain it, or tell them how to help, or assure them you’ll be okay?

But even the thought of passing out, going through that again, isn’t enough to force myself to eat sometimes. (Because of how strong the fear is, I often decide, on a very conscious and willing level, that I’d rather pass out and go to the hospital than wind up being sick.)

The thing about e/metophobia is that, it’s a phobia. It’s an Irrational Terrifying Thing. (although, if you knew the way my body reacted before, during, and after it happens? You wouldn’t call it very “irrational”, my mother even said it might be a form of ptsd rather than specific phobia disorder. But I had the phobia long before I learned how Truly Miserable it would make me.)

And even with, gods at this point FOURTEEN YEARS of meditation experience, 18 years of practice with Disciplining My Thoughts, and lifetime of teaching myself to Be Rational in the face of Emotion? ESPECIALLY fear???

Even with my literal lifetime’s accomplishments in these fields, I can’t turn off the fear. I can’t work myself through it until the Stimuli (re: Stomach Feeling Bad) actually goes away. All the mindfulness exercises and self-talk experience and energy work and redirection and distraction and rest in the world can’t bring me back to a Stable, Calm Center when the phobia is even REMOTELY triggered!

I’m not in the mood to delve into everything the phobia does to me; there’s a reason that, even as transparent and convenient it is to have it on my blog here, records of the Actual Events get relegated to an entirely different blog. I can’t even stand THINKING about it. But I have e/metophobia because, in short, my body can’t handle it. My mind can’t handle my body going utterly insane with it. I have never, ever, EVER experienced that “relief” you’re supposed to feel when it’s done; that’s a big fat fucking myth to me. If hell is real, and my pagan ass is relegated there for eternity? It would be exactly That Phobia Trigger happening perpetually; there is literally no suffering in this world that affects me as deeply, completely, makes me unravel the way that having my phobia triggered does.

So, when I feel like It Might Happen? The only thing I can do to prevent it is Not Eat. (Sometimes it’ll happen even then. But statistically, when I feel that bad, if I don’t eat, it won’t. 99.9% of the time, it won’t Actually Do That if I don’t eat.)

So when I’m not eating? That’s what I’m doing. Not just feeding an Avoidant Behavior, but preventing dehydration; preventing hypokalemia and hypotension; I’m preventing trauma; I’m legitimately preventing my body’s condition from deteriorating any further. A little light-headedness is absolutely a small price to pay for knowing I can still stand. Still talk. Still go to work. Still do what I need to do. Still SLEEP.

It’s an absolutely essential defense mechanism for getting through any number of nausea sessions without utterly breaking down.

And yes, “Secondary Anorexia” is, in fact, the term my psychologist gave me by way of diagnosis.

I’m not sure what the criteria is, exactly, but my weight fluctuates wildly-- we’re talking up and down twenty pounds every month. In the past couple years, I only got as close to the “underweight” category as I was when I was a kid ONCE, when I was very ill. But for the most part, I can keep myself at a decent weight. With the help of medications at this point, of course... but days when even those don’t help? I’m still really prone to just, not eating. (With the meds, it’s not for a whole day. But I’ll skip a meal, sometimes two. I have to.)

And the sad/scary part of it is, it actually DOES help me. If I don’t listen, and try to make myself eat? I’m going to be traumatized. That’s just a statistical, empirical-data-supported fact of my life. The phobia is going to Be Triggered, and I’m going to Suffer Disastrously.

I wish I could pinpoint when that became the Standard, though...

I always figured there had to be Something Wrong with Being Afraid to Eat. Especially when I turned 18 and realized, that’s what I was feeling.

The way anorexia was taught in my middle-school class, as a Body Image Issue Exclusively, I didn’t think that was my problem. In fact, I didn’t even come to think that, hey maybe, being n@us0us all the time was, in fact, abnormal? (Part of that is probably because every time I told an adult I wasn’t feeling well, they told me to deal with it, or that I was faking, or that nothing was wrong because I Didn’t Have a Fever and The Phobia-Trigger Hadn’t Actually Happened. So SURELY I was just being a hypersensitive, overdramatic CHILD who didn’t know what her OWN BODY was telling her!)

--I’m sincerely so incredibly fucking bitter over that. Over that entire mentality. Something has been WRONG with me since infancy (my mother told me a couple years ago that, at the time she didn’t recognize it as a sign of tummy trouble, but when I was a baby I would curl my legs up against my body Very Often. There were times when I would just cry and cry and cry, and nothing would soothe me. How much of that might’ve been empathy in a tense and depressive household, and how much might’ve been colic, I can’t say. Obviously I just don’t remember. But Mom did say that. now that she did know what that meant, she wishes she’d looked into it.)

But anyways. This pattern, the evolution from “I don’t feel well after eating”, to realizing “hey I really don’t like feeling this way”, to “I feel sick, so maybe I shouldn’t eat right now”. to “hey maybe if I don’t eat, I won’t feel sick at all”... I don’t have any record of exactly how it evolved, except in Vaguest Life-Phase Memories.

In high school, I was writing and drawing emvents frequently enough to fill a folder with them. I used to skip breakfast in middle school, because I’d wake up feeling so sick.  (I remember a couple times, in my earlier memories, I had tried to eat when feeling unwell, and it only made me feel worse, to the point where I’d start contemplating Where to Go when it DID, which of course made Eating While Feeling Ill a very Aversive Thought. But I was so afraid of my parents forcing me to eat that, rather than explain to them that I wasn’t feeling well, I would make food, and either pretend to eat it and then HIDE IT, or throw it away when they weren’t looking. Sometimes I took toast or an apple to school, thinking my appetite would come back, but most days it went entirely uneaten.

And I remember... one morning, that I’m not going to detail. I don’t remember if stepmom took me or if I took the bus, so it might’ve even been elementary school. But I remember regretting eating, and then It Happened, and thinking back, I’m impressed with myself that I didn’t completely throw away the blankets afterwards. Then again, I don’t think my phobia was as Settled In at the time, because I didn’t have So Many Experiences to cement it as the immense Anticipatory Dread it would become.... but because of that morning, to this day I get immensely uneasy whenever I see those pancake-wrapped sausage things in the freezer section, and that unease is why I think I’ve never bought frozen breakfast food, because I can’t even have them in my peripheral vision.

Around the same time as that, I woke up feeling TERRIBLE, and was so open about my misery and panic that it shocked my stepmother into letting me stay home. I recovered, after not eating and a few hours of rest. I remember telling her, when I came down, “I think I’m nausi-phobic.” (I didn’t know e/metophobia was The Thing until I was about... gods, 16, maybe 17. But I knew how badly Feeling Nausea freaked me out, even at age 13.)

As for when my psychologist told me that what I experience is, indeed, a diagnosable Secondary Condition? It must’ve been around October or maybe November/December of 2017. (Those months when I got really, incredibly ill, and didn’t know why. Still don’t know why, to this day... but I’m making an appointment to figure it out. Sometime. You know that adhd struggle I keep talking about? Yeah, whenever I freaking REMEMBER to make an appointment when offices are actually OPEN.......)

Or it might’ve been after when she brought out that phrase, because I think I was working at this job when I was talking to her about my anxieties. (I remember, I was waiting at a bus stop to go to the dog-boarding job, so it must’ve been more recent, in fact...)

I’ve been typing at this for over an hour and I really need to go to bed, but.... I feel like I haven’t even put down half my thoughts here. I might resume tomorrow, if the inclination strikes. For now, just.... God if you read all the way down to here, first of all can I borrow your attention span, and second, thank you!

[backtothestart02]

31 and Westallen?? thankyou

I’m soooo delayed, but here’s the drabble for this, inspired from the @chroniclesofcisco post that talks about how Barry & Iris went out to a karaoke bar after they got engaged the second time. ;) Enjoy!

Prompt Line: “Stop it, you’re embarassing me.”

*unbeta’d

“This is actually…pretty nice,” Cisco admired, lookingaround the karaoke bar a few steps in.

“I’d take offense to that, but it wasn’t exactly my idea.”

Reluctantly, Barry turned away from Iris to respond toCaitlin’s comment.

“Hey, it wasn’t mine either-” He cut himself short whenCaitlin raised her eyebrows at him. “Okay, so the idea was mine, but you dug upthe exact location.”

“I didn’t choose the location,” she defended. “Shawna and—”

“So, this was the clubbing adventure I didn’t get invitedto,” Cisco interjected, a frown on his face.

“It wasn’t-”

“It was work-related-”

The two brunettes sighed, shoulder slumped.

“It was an excuse to pity ourselves,” Caitlin supplied.

“Essentially, yes.” He looked over at Iris who now had hereyebrows raised. “You were with Eddie, Ronnie wasn’t…quite himself and had takenoff again…”

“Ah. Well.” She scanned the room, taking in the size of thecrowd. “Why don’t we recreate that night?”

“Excuse me?

“I beg your pardon?” Barry and Caitlin deadpannedsimultaneously.

Iris shook her head and smiled, going up to Barry andbriefly massaging his shoulders.

“Under nicer circumstances?”

“As in-”

“As in, we’re engaged, Bear.” She nearly smacked him butsettled for a laugh instead.

“I know.” He slowly smiled, starting to lean down to kissher.

“Enough, lovebirds!” Cisco cut them off. They turned to lookat him. “It was my idea to karaoke. I want to hear the groom-to-be sing.” He turnedhis gaze towards Joe. “And the bride’s father?” He let the question hang.

“I will if you will,” Barry said before Joe could answer.

“Fiiiine,” Joe said, pretending to be bitter about the wholeordeal but the unraveling of his smile gave him away.

“I should get drunk first probably,” Caitlin announced,ignoring everyone’s cringing as she departed for the bar to start a tab.

An hour later Cisco had gone up once, Barry three times,Caitlin eight, and Joe twice, but Iris had refused every single time.

“One more!” Caitlin started to get up from her chair. “Singwith me, Barry,” she pouted. “Like last time! I’m sure they still have SummerRain in the machine!”

Barry laughed and shook his head. “No.”

“But Bar—”

“I’m not going up any more until Iris does.”

Iris nearly spit out her drink.

“What? No. I never agreed to this. You know I can’t sing,Bear. I can’t even dance.”

“Which is a damn shame since your fiancé and I can do both,”Joe remarked.

“See,” Iris declared, using her dad’s confirmation as reasonto not go up.

“Just because you can’t sing as good as I can doesn’t meanyou can’t sing, Iris.”

Her jaw dropped.

“Is that a compliment or a…”

“…insult?” Cisco and Caitlin looked at each other, confused.

“Iris.” Barry took her hands in his. “We just got engaged.For the second time.” He smiled a little. “I don’t care if your pitch goes highlike it does in the shower when you think I’m not listening.” Heat rose in herface. “Or if you go out of tune like that one time in the eighth grade when youdecided singing was your talent at the talent show.” Her eyes widened. “Or eventhe night before our high school graduation when you snuck out of the house togo to Brad’s pre-graduation party, and I ‘allowed’ myself to go with you, so Icould make sure you didn’t get too drunk-”

“Too drunk?” Joeinterjected, his dad eyes darting straight at his daughter. “Who is Brad?”

“Brad Baisley,” Barry informed him, suddenly all-knowing. “Thebane of my existence because Iris fawned over him for a good portion of oursenior year.”

“Stop it, you’re embarrassing me,” Iris demanded, unable tomeet her fiancé’s gaze.

“Then sing with me, Iris,” he pushed.

“Barry,” she warned.

“Sing with me, and I won’t even give the details as to howyou belting out the Star Spangled Banner got blasted from the girls’ lockerroom to the intercom during third period junior year.”

Her jaw dropped.

“Oh, I gotta know this.” Cisco leaned forward, his chinpropped in the palm of his hand.

“Details now, Barry,” Caitlin pushed.

Barry shrugged and started to lean back in his chair,contemplating where to start.

“You wouldn’t.” Iris’ brows narrowed.

“I wouldn’t,” he agreed. Her shoulders slumped in relief. “Unlessyou refuse to sing with me.”

“Barry Allen.” He looked up at her innocently. “I caaan’t,” she whined.

“For God sake, Barry, don’t make her,” Joe said. “And don’ttell us the details of that…incident either.”

“What?”

“No!”

“Thank you, Dad,” Iris said, feeling safer than she had allnight.

“Alright. If you say so,” Barry said.

“Thanks, Babe,” she said sincerely when he stood to his feetand leaned down to kiss her.

“Of course,” he assured her, then hopped back onto thestage. “Hey, everybody!” He announced to the crowd.

Everyone in the room responded cheerfully. They like when Barry came onstage to sing,Iris observed. Who could blame them though? He was hot and had the voice of anangel. Memories from the night before of him singing to her flitted through hermind, and she got chills.

“So, I told you right before my first song that my lovelygirlfriend agreed to marry me last night.”

The crowd cheered again.

“But what I neglected to tell you was that she likes to singtoo.”

Iris’ eyes widened in horror.

He pressed his face right up against the microphone.

“Her name is Iris by the way.”

“Iris! Iris! Iris!” chanted by multiple individuals drownedout the sound of anything else in the room.

“I taught him how to do that,” Caitlin beamed, having hadone drink too many and happy as a kitten.

Barry looked at Iris.

“Come on, Baby, show ‘em what you’re made of.” He winked. “Unless…”He looked out over the crowd. “You want me to tell them something else?”

Iris could not believe it. Not only had he gotten the crowdto chant her name so she’d feel obligated to sing, but he was threatening totell a whole room full of strangers embarrassing moments from her life if shedidn’t agree to his demands.

She would’ve throwed her drink in his face and stomped outof the joint if he wasn’t so damn sexy with that cocky grin on his face lookeddown at her with all the adoration in the world in his beautiful green eyes.

Everyone looking at her with baited breath, Iris finally stoodup and rounded the stage to walk onto it using the steps. Applause was heardaround the room, so Iris took the moment to lean towards him and whisper intohis ear, “I hate you.”

Barry grinned, giving nothing away. “You’re gonna do great.”

She repressed a sigh and told herself to just keepbreathing. It would be over soon.

Then the music started, and she looked up at the lyrics,startled by the song he’d chosen. She turned to look at him where nothing but atender smile stared back at her. She was still nervous as hell, but she wasunbelievably touched too. She figured she could stand singing one song in fronta crowd of people she didn’t know if this was what she’d be singing.

“I’ve got you…under my skin,” Barry began. “I’ve got you…deepin the heart of me.”

Her heart beat so fast she could barely hear him singingoutside the loud thrumming in her ears. But when her turn came, despite thetruth of her voice being subpar in comparison, it wasn’t half bad. And Barry couldn’tlook away from her. He was caught up, no sign of mocking or teasing a thoughtin his mind.

And when the instrumental segway hit in the latter half of thesong, Barry stepped away from the microphone, pulled Iris to him, and dancedwith her onstage.

“God, they are so romantic,” Caitlin swooned in her seat.

“He can dance too?”Cisco’s jaw dropped.

Joe smiled softly and watched the pair onstage lost in eachother’s eyes, the whole crowd captivated by their embrace as the song came to aclose.

“Damn right.”

[elle-stevens]

The Break Up Blog - Day Twelve

Mr. Hyde returned - I called it. 

Technically, it wasn’t my own doing this time. External circumstances triggered my bad mood and depression simultaneously. 

I had a solidly good day all the way up to midnight this morning when my brother, P, texted me to say that he and my dad hadn’t been able to pick up my new bank card back home because the letter of authority I sent him via email to collect it on my behalf hadn’t been sufficient proof of my identity. And the bank told P that I have to send him an actual letter from China that’s been certified with a copy of my identity document or they’ll destroy my card after 52 days and then I have to apply to get a new card again. 

I spiralled after that and cursed up a storm in my apartment about the incompetency of my bank. That was mainly because the consultant I spoke to on the phone hadn’t told me any of this information to begin with. Then it got me thinking about what caused my card to be blocked in the first place: my trip to the Philippines to see X. 

And then I began a shameful blame-game with X at the centre of it all. You have no idea how badly I wanted to call her last night and just berate her for every crappy thing she’s done to me, including bringing me on a useless trip abroad where we didn’t reconnect in any way whatsoever. 

I didn’t sleep for hours after that and ended up playing a furious amount of car racing on my Playstation Vita till I finally dozed off close to 3am. I woke up around 9am, still feeling really crappy and stressed out about the situation with my bank card. I finally made some scrambled eggs for breakfast and drank some rose tea because my sinuses were acting up again while watching ‘Cinderella Chef’. The show started bumming me out for two reasons: the episodes I originally downloaded have crappy English subtitles on them, so I have to download all 56 episodes again. And it went from being very light-hearted and silly to super dramatic and angsty out of nowhere. I probably should’ve expected this, considering that it is a drama. 

I started thinking again about my disastrous demo lesson on Thursday at J’s ESL school and that made me realise that I should probably let him know now that I’ve decided against seeing him for another potential interview. Teaching younger children below the kindergarten age isn’t really my forte - I never went in for Early Childhood Development when I did my teaching certificate three years ago. J’s primary clientele have children that are 3-4 years old and those would be the classes I would end up teaching if I worked there. Considering my bad feelings about teaching these days, I decided that it would be better to quit while I’m ahead. So I sent both J and his wife, DI, who got me the interview in the first place, some voice messages, apologising for not doing a better job with the interviews and for wasting their time. They haven’t responded yet, but they’re probably busy today. 

After sending those voice messages, I decided to get out of the apartment and stop by J’s school to drop off the USB he lent me last week. I rode a bike in the blazing sun which left me with a pounding headache and then rode the subway to the school. I dropped off the USB at the front desk because I was too embarassed about potentially bumping into either J or DI. I haven’t been feeling my best self lately and it’s making me very self-conscious. I ended up buying my favourite passion fruit drink with coconut jelly and pearls to cheer myself up before hopping on the bus. I wanted to get a massage earlier to help me de-stress, but I felt really exhausted and just went home instead. 

I napped for a bit before calling my bank back home to find out how to get my new card. As it turns out, it can’t be done, simply because I have to be the one to get it in person to prove my identity so one can take money out of my account. Obviously, it’s helpful to know that my bank has my best interests at heart, but barring me access from my own money isn’t exactly helpful. 

The shameful spiralling continued afresh after this and I decided that I was done with trying to fix things that can’t be fixed. Even an aggravating conversation with my landlord to fix a leak in my window and my broken shower nozzle made things worse. So I marched downstairs to some stores in my neighbourhood with the sole purpose of buying snacks and shit ton of alcohol to drown my sorrows. 

It was at this point that my older sister, G, called me on the phone when I got home and finally set me straight. Yes, things are horrible right now and she was very understanding and empathetic. But she also reminded me not to focus on what I can’t change and to start focusing on what I can control and change. She also reminded me that whether I like it or not, I’m only human and that I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. 

It’s moments like this when I really appreciate my sister’s compassionate nature and tough-love approach. She’s the one person who always gets me to snap out of my depressive mode and refocus my efforts into doing positive and productive things again. 

I don’t know why I’m wasting so much effort on letting shitty circumstances and shitty people steal my joy. Granted, there’s very little joy going on in my life these days, but I shouldn’t let all the good things get stamped out just because I’m going through a rough patch. 

Nothing’s sorted out at all and I still have a lot of things to figure out. But I think I’m going to be ok. This doesn’t mean that I won’t still have bad days from here on out where I’ll wish I was a million miles away. But just maybe, I have enough resilience to keep me coming back for seconds. 

Work will probably still suck on Monday, but I’ll get through it somehow. I can’t change everything that’s happened because of X recently or the fact that I feel like a lost boat at sea trying to figure out my future. It’s like that saying goes: ‘God’s not finished with me’. I’m definitely a work in progress, but I’m trying to do better for myself bit by bit. 

It might still take some time for me to really be vulnerable and let people in again. But maybe once I have more cash in hand, I can venture out and be around my friends again. I need to fill my life with people who radiate positivity and kindness. I need to believe that those things still exist despite all the bad shit that’s happened to me this year. 

It’s kinda late now, so I’ll drink some soju and eat snacks while watching TV. Maybe I can keep working on my Katie portrait tomorrow and call my mom in the evening before I go to bed.  

One day at a time, right? 

[uunnrreeaadd]

This has taken me way too long to write about.. and there’s so much to cover and Ill probably forget half of it so welcome to this journey. I don’t even know where we’re starting or if I even want to start but... I feel weird lately. All kinds of weird like anxious-weird, overly self conscious-weird, judging myself and my life and my path so harshly. Ive been questioning EVERYTHING and its fucking with my head so much.

I feel like my “friends” don’t like me. They make subtle jabs and gestures that make me feel unwanted, I don’t know if I’m just too sensitive or if they’re actually treating me wrong. When they read over my texts and don’t respond or when I realize they say things to each other about me when I’m not around, I feel like theres only bad to say. Ive been SO spaced out, I can barely talk to them because everytime I go to speak I start having repeated anxious thoughts in my head about “what if I sound weird or what if what I’m saying doesn’t make sense or what if this isn’t a good thing to say” and those thoughts talk over me in my head and then I end up stuttering and pausing and being awkward anyway.. its so hard to control.

It’s making my confidence fall apart. Ive started to question my personality and my ability to communicate with others so much that its taken over and I’m questioning how I feel about the person I see in the mirror; me. I’m wondering if I like myself as much as i always thought I have. I tried to go to the gym in hopes of mending my self confidence but I struggle to learn the equipment and when I reach to my friends for support I feel embarassed and like Im giving them a hard time. When I mentioned I had pulled my muscles, my one gym friend said “you need to lift smaller weights” and then the rest of the room of friends nodded in agreement and they don’t even go to the gym with me so I know its been the topic of discussion and that just makes me more scared.

I have spent a disgusting amount of time thinking about death. All of its impacts and the end of days, how the world is gonna end and how my life is going to end. I cant even FATHOM that that’s how life works, I never have and I never think I will be. Ever since the realization hit me that this is how life works, it all just ends one day and then you never ever ever ever get to be a part of this same life ever again, that’s just terrifying. Ofcourse when I say that I feel like its all going to be over tomorrow and ofcourse it wont be but.. you still never know. I’m scared to let go of my mom and my grandfather and my Dad whom I also haven’t spend nearly enough time with.

I feel like I’m constantly waiting for my job to fall apart. I always wonder if theres going to be a day that I’m asked to step down from my position. I have to give myself credit, Ive been doing a really good job and Ive started asking for feedback on my work to make sure I’m doing a good job. I just value this job more than a lot of things, I don’t want to loose it or the amazing people that have came with it. I learn so much every day about myself as a person and working with other people. I feel like I should be doing more though, I’m a supervisor, I need to instruct behaviour and call out mistakes when I see them but.. I’m really passive, I h a t e to make people feel bad or harp on their day so I let things slide more than I should.

My relationships with men are completely fucked up. I haven’t seen my Dad is god knows how long, I’ve spent a lot of time wondering why he doesn’t want to communicate with me and questioning my worth. I know that’s the typical thing but its hard not to do, I’m his daughter. I came from him, shouldn’t he want to go out of his way to even say merry Christmas? Happy birthday? The last few months my relationships have just been brutal. I saw about 2 different guys after my breakup and Ive been used everytime. Each time it got worse, the first guy I kind of knew was a player but he was charming and funny and he told me things were real and that he knew he wanted me to be apart of his life.. he lied, he left like a month or something later and told my best friend it was for sex. I started seeing someone else, we met on tinder but from the very first time he spoke to me he said he wanted something real and we hit it off and connected, we made ALOT of (still beautiful) memories together, started dating, I met his family and we went on tons of dates, started having sex and then after a couple times of that he also decided to leave. I had some friends with benefits along the way and ended up catching feelings (ofcourse) every single time and THAT never goes anywhere so Ive just been left questioning over and over and OVER what is WRONG WITH ME. I don’t think these boys are the deciding factor on my self worth but I used to, and sometimes still do view myself as a magnificent person. On a good day, I think I’m super human. On a good day, I see what’s nearly perfection, I think I’m creative and uplifting, Im caring and supportive and open minded, I’m pretty, Ive got good curves and I’m really genuinely genuinely NICE. I’m a good mate, I love cooking and going out and socializing.. you know? Like why would any of these guys decided to get me and then drop me? What am I not seeing? I think there’s something about me that is just a huge turn off and I don’t have a single clue what it is and I shame myself for not understanding.

I am worried about my drawing. Tattooing is my big career path and its what I’ve hyped up to ALL of my friends and family. I’m worried I’m not as good of a drawer as I think I am.. not that I’m not constantly improving and learning, taking notes and impressing myself but.. what i feel about my work could be a whole other story to other people, especially other tattoo artists. It’s hard for me to make a portfolio because I do most of my work right here on my iPad, yknow where I can have limitless colours and endless paper.. this girl I know just landed an apprenticeship and she had this entire portfolio of amazing pen and paper drawings that she glued down onto big pieces of black Bristol board, it looked really professional and I just find that so hard to do without better tools. I feel like if I had a light board I could do it but ofcourse mines pretty much broken. It’s hard to make it look professional on an iPad where I can use different brushes and textures, kinda feels like cheating and I really want to own this craft. It’s all Ive ever wanted to do.

I left my best friend. She moved away and bad things happened in my life. I didn’t feel like I knew her like I did before and I didn’t like texting her everyday because it just felt like a constant play by play.. “oh hey i did this” “oh hey i did this other thing” “you wont believe what just happened”. Meanwhile I’m at my lowest of lows because she’s gone and IM SO ALONE but she’s in a relationship and is always telling me about the guys she’s talking to and all the hot guys where she lives and guys down there that would be great for me. I don’t understand why she would involve me so much in her love life when she knows mine is failing and I’m struggling. I even tried helping her through her relationship struggles and I put in sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much energy to a toxic relationship that she’s seeming still in. I just don’t understand. I felt mistreated numerous times during our relationship, I felt there was times of her being condescending and passive aggressive, I just couldn’t take it anymore so I cut ties. I stopped having any energy to reply because I was just so fed up with how I felt I was being treated.

I don’t even think I can go on at this point, theres more but not anything that Im ready to talk about right now. A lot happened with my mom, I have weird feelings about my phone and my weed addiction.. But until next time

Love yo self and love the people you love

That shits important

[thegardensystem]

Medications and Inner World and Integration

The medication I’m on makes the static and confusion in my head go away. But what i’m left with are all of my emotions, clear and organized. My anxiety goes away for a period of time but then i’m left with my sadness, with my fear, but most importantly I’m left with my anger. 

My anger is something that I bury and I bury deep. It’s massive; it’s a storm that I don’t want to unleash even on my enemies. I hold it in, keep it wrapped up and tied down. They come in waves like this. Feeling sad, feeling sad about everything. Sad that I missed my childhood, sad that I don’t have a family, sad that everyone leaves, sad that I”ll be alone forever. Then the fear. The fear that I’ve been left behind by everyone I’ve ever trusted. I’m left alone with my abusers, left alone from my family, left alone by my former partners, I’m left alone to myself, I’m left alone on the holidays, I’m trapped and no one is coming for me. Then the anger strikes. How long have I been dealing with the abuse? Why did everyone let it happen to me when i wasn’t old enough to protect myself? Why is everyone letting me deal with all of this alone? Why does everyone leave? I don’t deserve it. I don’t deserve to be stuck in situations where i have to walk on eggshells and try to convince people that I am worth keeping. I’m angry that I am not seen for my real worth. I am furious that I cannot escape. I am still stuck in the inner world, locked in various rooms, facing traumas and being told to stay silent and being told that whatever happens to me is my fault and that i deserve it. It makes me so sick i actually want to vomit typing it out. And so i have these nightmares and i wake up crying and throughout the day I have massive panic attacks. Situations trigger me, conversations trigger me, smells trigger me, my own thoughts trigger me- i trigger myself. I spiral. Knots get stuck in my throat and i cant talk. I can’t say whats really wrong, I never have. I lose the ability to speak and I stop being able to breathe and still people look at me like I am doing something wrong. My trauma is an inconvenience to all. (bullshit).  ((the other day a coworker very randomly told me she was recently hospitalized for trying to kill herself and she told me about how all her parents did was yell at her because she was an embarassment to the family and how all she had done was shameful and I remember my mother always talking about her reputation as a teacher and a public figure of the community. Nothing bad could ever happen to me because she was a good parent. I had to keep my mouth shut. Whenever the police came, it was none of their business, I had to keep my mouth shut, whenever i got hospitalized, it was bad for her image. I had to keep my mouth shut))  It’s strange how I’m suddenly aware of these emotions. All these hints of trauma that are resurfacing for me, all of the alters that are fronting and frankly splitting/emerging, with all of these emotions im suddenly dealing with, I am also more numb than usual. I am always half in the inner world, listening to the children’s cry and throw tantrums about being taken and locked away, I’m listening to my paranoia about someone coming to kill me, I’m remembering the softer traumas of domestic abuse, I’m trying to sooth my fragments. I’m trying to be a good listener instead of ignoring them. But being stuck in my inner world also makes the part of me that is awake number. It’s hard to be aware of my surroundings. It’s hard to feel emotions other than the spikes of anger and hatred and fear and sadness. I’m relieved when I’m distracted. I know they are there and I’m able to tell myself that I will deal with it later. I can almost enjoy myself for a while. It’s for some reason harder to smile when I’m happy, it’s harder for me to cry when I’m sad. I don’t know how to express anything because there is SO MUCH that is going on internally. Since half of me is always in the inner world, I’m always a little distracted.  I thought I would be scared to face all of this. I thought being numb would be frustrating, I thought dealing with all of this repressed anger and fear would be exhausting but it’s good for me. I feel like I’m starting to process. I’m starting to work on myself. So yeah, there’s gonna be a lot of tantrums inside and a lot of panic attacks on the outside but I’m reaching parts of myself I’d forgotten and thats scary but it feels right and I’m gonna keep digging- even if I’m facing it alone.