#and i ended up passing them up bc i wanted this one
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
DOUBLE OR NOTHING
after countless empty promises spilled from his lips, you wanted to believe that he’d show up to your anniversary of all things.
FEATURING: toji fushiguro x wife! reader
CONTENTS: non canon compliant/au, marriage problems, talks of divorce, angst, smut, porn w/out plot rly, unprotected p in v, cunnilingus, fingering, spanking, doggy, missionary against a wall, pet names (ma, princess, etc.)
WORD COUNT: 4.9k
AUTHOR’S NOTE: repost bc i need this dilf in my bed rn 😞
"I'll make it home to you by six, mama. Take you out on a nice date, get you some flowers, all that stuff you like. Promise."
The clock was nearing eight o'clock with no signs of Toji coming through the door anytime soon, your own patience starting to run out with every tick. Tick tock. Tick tock. Tick tock. The sound echoed through your ears since you'd sat down on the leather couch nearly two hours ago, waiting for Toji to fulfill the promise. A promise that he'd made after flaking out on the date planned prior to that one.
And prior to that one. And prior. It'd been more missed dates than actual ones that he'd taken you out by now—you weren't exactly sure why you'd hoped for tonight to be different. Well, you knew exactly why. Today marked three years of being married to one another. You knew that he didn't prioritize date nights with you as much as he should, but you had held some sort of foolish hope that your anniversary would mean something—anything to him.
The divorce papers felt like a dead weight in your hand, much like how your relationship would be the second that you brought it up. It all just seemed so final, seeing the terms laid out that would end years of marriage. Just by the flick of a pen. But the idea was almost like a reprieve, like something that was worth looking forward to. You shook your head, getting up from the couch to set the stack of papers on the kitchen table where Toji wouldn't miss them.
Another half hour of eerie silence and Toji still hadn't come through the door. It was getting increasingly difficult to keep some semblance of hope that he'd even show up at all, much less for your date. You admitted defeat, slipping off your heels and pulling up a throw blanket over yourself. Succumbing to the sleep that was weighing down on your eyelids.
You weren't even sure how much time had passed when you heard the door swing open, the door hitting the wall from the force. The thud of his shoes hitting the tile followed, a grumble leaving Toji's lips. "Fuckin' bastards rigged that race. Robbed me of fifty bucks," he muttered to himself, slipping his coat off before placing it up on the coat rack.
"You're home late," you called out, watching as Toji turned to look at the couch before flicking on one of the living room lights. "Jesus woman, you scared me," he grumbled, a large hand resting by his chest as he looked over in your direction. Toji rubbed a hand over his face, exhaustion lingering on his face like a second skin. It was only then that he looked over at you, really looked at you, and what you were wearing.
Ah shit.
Almost as if he wanted to make the situation worse, he'd chosen to go with, "You got all dolled up just to fall asleep on the couch?" You could've sworn you felt your eye twitch at the question. He'd barely opened up his mouth and you were already wishing that he didn't even bother showing up for the night.
Toji knew he was in deep shit with each step he took into the living room, his mind already starting to work overdrive to figure out what he could do for what he'd missed. A date? No, you wouldn't have put on the very expensive pair of Louboutins for just any date. His mind was blanking on anything other than the numbers that he'd lost with earlier in the day. Come on, think.
"No, I got dolled up because I thought I'd be going out with my husband tonight," you retorted dryly, smudges of eyeshadow sticking to your hand when you went to rub at your eyes. You could see Toji's brows furrow, the wheels seeming to turn in his head for once, before a look of realization settled on his features.
"Look, I'm sorry. I got carried away at the casino," one of the many excuses you'd heard before coming back to bite you in the ass. The same excuse that he'd used last month when he forgot about a work party you'd mentioned to him. Which wouldn't have been too bad if it weren't for all the snide comments being whispered in your direction and all the unwarranted marriage advice.
Advice that you ended up forgetting about chugging down two glasses of tequila like water. "I'll make it up to you, I swear. You can pick the place and all that shit." There went another one. He'd really topped himself using the two of them in a row. You rubbed the bridge of your nose, looking over at him in disbelief. "Do you even know what today was? Why I'm so pissed off?"
"It's your birthday?" Toji spoke after a couple seconds, the answer clearly wrong just by the look on his face. You rubbed a hand over your face, standing up from your spot on the couch. "It's our wedding anniversary, Toji," you spoke up before he made another guess that would just piss you off even further, "And I have something I need to talk to you about. It's on the kitchen table."
Underneath the vase filled with wilted flowers—a collection more than anything that you kept around as a reminder that Toji used to care, was a stack of papers. He placed the vase down on the table with more force than necessary upon realizing what the documents were. "A divorce?" The words slipped out of him with such venom, such distaste, like the idea was unfathomable.
Toji slammed the papers down on the table, the salt and pepper shakers trembling before falling over. "Is that really what you want?" He stepped closer to you when you approached the table, his hands instinctively moving to hold your hips. Holding you close to his body. "No, I didn't get married with the intention of getting a divorce. But you've been neglecting this marriage for a couple months now."
"I'll make it up to you now," Toji spoke quickly, like he was afraid of losing you at any moment. Like you'd disappear if he didn't. And as much as you wanted to avoid looking over at him, the task had just become all that much difficult when you had nowhere else to look at. It only took one glance at his face to realize just what he meant by 'making it up to you.'
"You think you're gonna fix months of pushing me aside with just sex?"
"Nah, I know it's gonna take more. But you've been so tired, isn't that right? So tired of tryin' to keep this marriage from falling apart and nobody taking care of you?" His words were like a siren's song when he whispered them in your ear, your traitorous body leaning back to meet the drag of your fingertips. It was almost laughable at how easily your resolve had melted. "Lemme take care of you mama. Promise I'll make you feel good."
"You wanna call me a dick, never wanna see me again? That's fine, just don't deny me one last taste. Please," And while Toji wasn't a man to beg for anything in his life, he found himself saying the words anyways. "Thought this was you making it up to me," and as much as you were willing yourself not to fold, you felt yourself spreading your legs almost instinctively when his finger dragged up your inner thigh.
"Can't it be both?" Toji's teeth nipped at your neck, licking a stripe up the junction of your neck. Practically salivating at the taste of you, of the expensive perfume you'd put on just a mere hours beforehand. "One could say that you're just being selfish," your words quickly died out when Toji started sucking on your pulse point, your own heartbeat betraying you. You'd expected Toji to sass you back, say something about how your body was just so needy against his touch.
But instead, he dropped down to his knees in front of you. The wooden floor underneath his knees almost made him feel bad for all the times he had you in a similar position. Almost. Toji looked up at you, "Selfish only when it comes to you."
Every slow drag of his fingertips across your smooth skin seemed almost reverent— like you were something to worship. You were, he just failed to realize that until now. Until you were almost out the door. "I'm sorry," the first real apology of the night slipped out of his mouth, his lips pressed against your shin. "I'm sorry," he moved up to your knee, repeating the action. Hushed whispers of I'm sorry's and featherlight kisses moving up your legs, stopping only when he gets to your clothed cunt.
"I'm sorry," Toji uttered his last apology against your cunt, his eyes locking onto yours as he applied an open mouthed kiss on your clothed clit. Barely darting his tongue out, swirling it against the nerves that were just begging for one ounce of stimulation. And he was practically reveling in how needy he made you in the span of seconds. Your back arched to rest against the seat behind you, one of your hands going to rest on his head.
Toji's fingers dragged slowly in between your folds, feeling the wet patch already starting to form through the thin lace material. You refused to make eye contact with him, knowing that if you did, he'd be able to see just how desperate you were in just a manner of seconds. Even if the bastard probably had a clue already. "You sure your pussy agrees with the divorce?" His voice came out to something akin to a purr, the drag of his fingers slowing down.
Getting you even more worked up than you were already. "Fucking hate you, can't even apologize right," you let out a hiss, your hand going down to his hair. Pulling his head even closer to you despite your previous claim. "Fine, I'll apologize correctly," Toji sounded like you were the one inconveniencing him—to which you were. He wanted to take his time with his meal, have you begging for him to touch you. And normally, he would've.
If he weren't desperate to have your cunt on his face again after weeks, months? of just having his fist to work with. His fist and a used pair of your panties up to his nose like a pervert, hips humping the air in desperation. Imagining that it was your tongue flicking across his leaking tip instead of his thumb, that it was your soft hands in exchange of his rough ones. And as easy as it was for him to get laid—he didn't want to be with anyone that wasn't you.
Toji hadn't tasted someone as sweet as you, heard someone so angelic before, but now he supposed that maybe he'd have to put that theory to the test if you left him after all. Just the idea was maddening. That someone else would be doing the same thing that he's doing to you now, that they'd give you the affection that he should've given.
"Especially sorry to you. Been neglecting you for too long," he hooked his fingers around the side of your panties, pulling them to the side just enough to reveal your slick folds to him. Toji swiped the tip of his finger along your entrance, your slick glistening against the harsh kitchen lighting before he stuck in his mouth. Swirling his tongue around it, licking away at it like the slut he was.
And like the deprived man that he'd been, Toji's hands went to the lace of your underwear and stretched it out until a loud rip echoed throughout the kitchen. "You always this wet for people you hate? Or is that just for me?" Toji taunted, pushing your tattered panties down to your ankles. Finally leaning in closer to where you were aching for him to touch you. To do something other than just tease you relentlessly.
Toji settled on his knees behind you, spreading your legs open like you were his favorite meal. His tongue swiped up on your dripping cunt, licking up your essence with sheer greed. "Mmph fuck, so good," his words came out muffled, his tongue swiping across your folds before darting inside of your cunt. Your grip on the table tightened, your hips working on their own accord to push back onto his face. Practically suffocating him in your pussy. Not that he minded. By any means.
Toji practically welcomed it, his hands pushing you down onto his face. Getting absorbed in your cunt completely. "A-Ah fuck, Toji!" You could already see the noise complaint hanging on your front door first thing in the morning. But how could you be expected to keep your voice down? Toji spread your folds apart with two fingers as if he were preparing for a feast, his tongue feverishly licking in between.
"Fuckin' soaked already, knew you loved me," The vibration of the low chuckle that followed his words shot currents up your spine, your ass jiggling all that much more in his face. With such a decadent taste coating his taste buds, dying by your pussy would be nothing short of a blissful way to go out. One of the fingers that he'd been using to spread your folds had been pushed inside of your cunt, your walls clenching around him.
Toji's tongue flicked against your clit, swirling the tip around the bud while his finger slowly pushed further inside of you. The loud squelch of your cunt was the only thing that filled the apartment, everything else completely silent. Your fingers dug deeper into his scalp, a low groan leaving his lips. "F-Fuck, Toji Toji," he pushed another thick finger inside, moving them in a scissoring motion to stretch you out.
"You think y're gonna find someone who can do this?" Toji looked up at you, his fingers curling up to hit that spongy spot inside of you almost perfectly. And if you didn't know any better, you'd almost say that he looked vulnerable while he made the question. Toji's lips wrapped around your clit, gently sucking on it as his fingers worked you closer and closer to your orgasm. You couldn't bring yourself to answer—didn't trust yourself to speak.
"Toji, Toji, gonna cum," you gave him a warning, your jaw falling slack and your lips parting in a o-shape. Soundless moans leaving your lips, feeling that coil in your lower tummy start to tighten up all the much more. With one final pump of his fingers, you were covering his lips with your release. His tongue swiped across his lips, across the scar that he hated, collecting every drop. Savoring what he imagined would be the last taste of you.
"Turn around," It was almost embarrassing how quickly you'd turned around per your soon-to-be ex husband's request.
Toji didn't take more than a couple seconds in unbuttoning his pants and taking them off, his cock hitting his stomach once it was released from its confines. Precum dribbled from his annoyingly almost pretty pink tip, dripping onto the floor. Drip. Drip. Drip. His cock slid through your folds like a slip n slide, your previous orgasm coating his tip with every lazy drag. "Toji," your voice bordered on a whine, pushing your hips to try to meet his movements.
"Tell me what you want," Toji clicked his tongue, one of his hands moving to hold your waist. Keeping you completely still until he got what he wanted. You figured there wasn't any harm in whining—you were already fucking the man after you brought up a divorce. There truly wasn't that much more to lose. "Why do I have to ask for it when you're the one apologizing?"
"Because you're the one pushing your hips back against me. All needy 'n shit. So.. beg."
"Want you inside me, Toji. Please."
"Want?"
You let out a huff before correcting yourself, "Need."
"Come on, doll. You can say it nicer than that, right?" Toji's pointer trailed up your torso, leaving goosebumps in his wake.
So goddamn annoying. You swallowed whatever pride you had left before looking back over at him, "Please, Toji. Need your cock in me. Please."
Toji clicked his tongue, one hand wrapping around his cock and giving himself a couple tentative pumps. "Think you can beg better than that. But since I'm feeling nice, I guess I'll let it slide." So much for feeling apologetic. Toji pushed his cock inside of you in one swift motion, a hiss leaving your lips at the stretch. Even with the fingers that'd been inside of you, nothing could've really prepared you.
"You okay?" Toji dropped his head to rest on your shoulder, whispering the words in your ear. Staying still while your walls tried to adjust to the overwhelming stretch. "You try taking your cock," you muttered dryly, giving him a nod to start moving. "Why would I do that when you take it so well?" Toji pushed the rest of his cock inside, his hands resting on your hips.
Toji wasn't particularly known for being gentle—the one hospital visit after he'd injured your cervix more than enough proof of that, but he started off slow. Slow, shallow thrusts. Fucking you in a way that he hasn't since your honeymoon. "Toji, you can speed up," you assured him, your words getting cut off with a smack to your ass. "What I'd say about tellin' me what to do?" Ah, there was the mean Toji that you recognized.
"Wouldn't need to tell you what to do if my vibrator wasn't looking more appealing right now."
Famous last words.
The change was almost immediate. Mascara dribbled down your cheeks, the sight of your once composed makeup all ruined making Toji's cock twitch inside of you. "Fucking pretty like this, y'know?" His teeth sunk down on the junction of your shoulder, his teeth grazing across the sensitive flesh. His hips snapped roughly into yours, your breathing growing erratic. "Fuck, Fuck, Toji!"
The coldness of his gold wedding band hit your skin as soon as he went to grip your hips, holding you against him like he needed to be close to you. The two of you had been distant for some time and he hadn't bothered to take off his wedding band once, not even on the rare occasion that he actually did happen to take a job. Toji would never admit it, of course—but he was starved for the feeling of your skin against his own.
To confirm that you were still here after all.
Your hands reached out to grab to whatever you could grab—anything, and of course, it just happened to be the divorce papers sitting on the middle of the table. Practically taunting you as your own signature glared back at you. "This good enough for you, princess?" Toji taunted in your ear, his blunt fingernails digging into your sides. "Mhm, j-just like that," your voice came out in a mewl, all bits of defiance completely out of your system.
"There you go. Nasty fucking girl," Toji all but purred in your ear the moment you started to jerk your hips back to meet his own, your ass bouncing with each one of his thrusts. "Just needed Toji to take care of ya," all you could was nod your head fervently, your grip on the divorce papers tightening. And Toji, of course, took notice. He took the papers from you with one hand, giving them a once-over before passing them back over.
"Come on, since ya wanted it so bad, read me those divorce papers," Toji handed you the stack of papers, pointing to where you'd signed your initials just a couple hours prior. Your hands shook as you held the papers, your vision blurry as you tried to make out the legal jargon in front of you. Even the simplest of words seemed all too complicated to try to make out.
"T-Toji, I can't," your voice cracked, your grip on the papers tightening when his cock reached all that much deeper inside of you. Toji clicked his tongue, peering over your shoulder to read the first sentence from the document. "That's not what it says ma, try again."
"Without all the stuttering too."
You took a deep breath, willing yourself to focus on the words in front of you instead of Toji's cock sinking further and further into you. "S-Says that the divorce agreement was made today between us," you clutched the sheets tighter, your eyes almost rolling back when Toji bottomed out inside of you. The tip of his cock dripping precum, your walls fluttering as you tried to get adjusted.
"Mm, yeah, keep goin'," Toji really couldn't care—his focus solely on the way that your cunt stretched out to fit his cock. Leaking around his shaft, loud squelches when he pulled out overplaying whatever shitty soap opera was playing. "And what'd I say about the s-stuttering?" Toji mocked your words, his own hips stuttering mere seconds later while he tried not to get absorbed in your cunt. Not that it was an easy task by any means.
It was hard, especially with the way that you claimed to be over this marriage despite your pussy claiming otherwise. When you opened your mouth to speak, the only thing that left you was a moan. "F-Fuck Toji, right there," your eyes shut tightly at the touch of his calloused hand making itself in between your legs, his thumb rubbing at your clit in a speed that felt like it combated his own running abilities.
"That's not what it says, c'mon," Toji grabbed your chin with his thumb and pointer, turning your head to face the overwhelmingly long divorce papers. You wouldn't finish tonight if he intended for you to read the whole thing, you knew that much. A harsh slap against your swollen clit made the pleasure coursing through your veins mix with pain, a shaky gasp leaving your kiss-swollen lips.
Drool leaked from the corner of your mouth, the black ink smearing with each drop that fell from your parted lips. Your walls enveloped every inch of his cock perfectly, your cunt holding his cock in a vice-like grip. "That I won't try to t-take your things," you managed to get out, hoping that it would be good enough. You knew the two of you wouldn't finish today if he made you read the never ending stack of papers.
"Good enough," Toji sounded like he would've kept it going if he could, but you set them down as quickly as he spoke. It was almost like Toji was trying to remind you of why you'd fallen in love with him in the first place—the man reverent to your cunt and your cunt only. Every grip of your hips kept you closer and closer to his body, almost as a way for Toji to make sure you weren't slipping away.
"Wh—" Before you had the chance to complain about the loss of contact, Toji had already carried you without a smidge of struggle. His hands hooked underneath your plush thighs, hoisting you up against the wall. Your legs instinctively wrapped around his slutty waist, practically clinging onto him like a koala. "There we go, there's that pretty lil face," Toji placed his pointer underneath your chin, taking in the view in front of him.
The glazed over look in your eyes, the sweat beading up on your forehead, the makeup that he'd successfully ruined—everything about you was just so beautiful. How you tried to avoid looking in his direction for too long. "Don't leave me ma, need you in my life," the words were whispered into your ear, his cock pushing back inside of you in one swift motion. Toji's fingers went back to your throbbing clit, his pointer and middle rubbing against it at the perfect speed.
Not too fast, not too slow, and not too rough.
"Don't ask me to do that," you almost sounded pained as you spoke—not from him filling you up, but for the implication of his words. You'd practically babble anything right now, anything for him to keep going. To forget about the reality that awaits the two of you. Toji's lips found yours in an instant, the exchange between the two of you almost depraved. His mouth was feverish in the way that it moved against yours, like he'd never get the chance again.
Your hand went to the back of his head, pushing him closer against you. Letting yourself forget for just a little while longer. A string of saliva connected your lips to his when you pulled away—only to catch air. "I’m close, Toji, so close," you whined against his lips, your release coating his shaft a mere moments later. Toji only used that as lubricant, his movements quicker against your cunt to chase his own release.
"There's no one else for me, I'll stop goin' to t-the casino, stop gettin' into trouble," Toji had been reduced to a babbling the first thing he pulled out of his ass, if only to get you to stay. His head rested against the junction of your neck, basking in the remnants of proximity that he could get. Shaky breaths left his lips with each thrust of his hips, feeling himself getting closer and closer. "You've been saying that since we've been married."
"I mean it this time, I promise," you'd never heard a lie sound so pretty slipping from someone's lips before until now.
He bit down on the side of your neck, hard. Not hard enough to draw blood, but hard enough to where you'd probably have to use a tube of concealer to even attempt to cover up the bruising mark. Causing you problems even now. But you'd be lying if the sudden act of possessiveness had your walls clenching against him even tighter, if that was even possible anymore.
His cock was barely moving against the tight grip you held around his shaft, his pace stuttering. "Fuck, fuck, so tight," Toji let out a loud groan, completely at the will of your pussy. He threw his head back, a light shade of pink dusting his cheeks in this lighting. Ropes and ropes of cum decorated your cunt, his softening length snug inside of you. Toji ended up pulling out a couple moments later, scooping the drops of cum that leaked down your thighs with his finger.
Toji was shameless in the way that he stuck the finger in his mouth, a low moan leaving his lips at the combined taste of him and you. Before your rationality came back, before you got the chance to even think about regretting this, you leaned in and crashed your lips against his own. Tasting yourself on his tongue. The kiss lingered between the two of you more than it needed to, it was less rushed than the prior ones you'd shared.
Like a last taste.
"So, you still want to get that divorce?" Toji knew you would've just babbled whatever for him to keep going, saving the question until now. His movements were almost reluctant as he pulled his pants over his legs once again, making little attempt to fix up his hair. If anything, his fingers only ended up messing the strands even more. Despite knowing the answer deep down, Toji still held out hope. That maybe you'd had some eye-opening moment while he was balls-deep.
You stood up properly, looking over at the ruined sheets on the table before looking back over at him. "I do," you spoke after a couple seconds, grabbing your tattered panties from the floor and smoothing over your dress. Trying to maintain whatever semblance of dignity you had left. Even if it was probably just as tattered up as your underwear at this point.
"Why? You know I love you. You know that you love me. So why should we get separated?" You did know that. But you also weren't sure that he'd ever loved you enough to consider changing. To consider the fact that you needed some sort of affection outside of sex.
"Because you think that somehow every problem between us can be resolved with sex. You say that you want to do better and yet, you never do. It doesn't even feel like you're my husband half of the time," all the bottled up feelings from the past couple months spilled out of you in a manner of seconds. All the bottled up thoughts that maybe you should've told your husband about earlier. Though, you weren't even sure if Toji would've paid it any mind.
And almost as if he'd read your train of thought, "Why didn't you tell me about all this before just hittin' me with divorce papers?"
"Because the few times that I did, you told me to stop bitching. That I shouldn't have anything to complain about with a roof over my head and a fridge full of food," you started off, almost waiting for him to deny what you were saying, "And while I'm not saying that I'm not thankful for those things, I also don't want to feel ungrateful for saying that I miss my husband."
Silence lingered between the two of you, each second that passed by only confirming what the two of you already knew by now. That a divorce wasn't such a far-fetched idea. Toji knew there wasn't left to even attempt fighting for, so he simply just told you, "I'll sign 'em when you get the new ones."
#starzradio ✐ᝰ#↻ ◁ || ▷ ↺ streaming: toji fushiguro#jujutsu kaisen#jujutsu kaisen smut#toji fushiguro#toji fushiguro x female reader#toji fushiguro smut#fushiguro toji#fushiguro toji smut#toji fanfic#toji fushiguro x reader#toji fushiguro x you#toji fushiguro x y/n#jujutsu kaisen fanfic#toji fushiguro fanfiction#fushiguro toji x reader#fushiguro toji x you#fushiguro toji x y/n#fushiguro toji x female! reader#x reader smut#x you smut#toji smut#toji x reader#toji x you#toji x y/n#toji x female reader#toji x f!reader
116 notes
·
View notes
Text
Hi there! I just want to let you all know that all the eye doctors want you to tell them is which one you can see more clearly through. That is a simple enough answer to give,yeah? One or the other. If neither of them are clear, say so. If you can see well out of both of them, say so! They want to check you eyes to give you your prescription, this test tells them what amount of magnification to have each lense be,because your eyes can both be different!
You also get to do the test where you see a little hot air balloon/house/tractor/etc when the image gets clear. I think this is also a test on sightedness (near vs far) but I don't exactly know, it's been a long time since I've been and I don't think that one ever got explained to me,if it did I don't remember.
There's also the colour dot tests to check for colourblindness. That one you may have seen online before, they may go more in depth should they suspect you have it
(I always passed,but I do have some trouble with colours that might be harder to catch bc my issues are light based but have cropped up more after I was unable to go to exams)
And the arguably worst one (they don't always do it depending on who and how often you go to/possibly family history of it as well) the eye puff test, the one where the little bit of air gets blown into your eye-it checks for glaucoma
I have astigmatism and nearsightedness that gets progressively worse and have had glasses for over 20 years,since I was 6
The eye doctor is the least scary possible doctor to go to by far. Never had to have anything done with needles or anything put directly in my eyes. I've never had my eyes dilated, but it's no scarier than eye drops I've heard, and I know those can be scary, but it's not painful, I promise! I know if your eyes are on the worse side that does require things that are genuinely terrifying (to me) that can help you and I'm cheering on anyone that goes through them-you are so brave and you can get through it, I know it!
but a regular eye exam, should you be able to go get one, is a very non evasive test that you get to get snazzy glasses at the end if you are a part of the very cool, very not exclusive bad eye club
-welcome!-
I always had a fun time at the eye doctors,though I've not been able to get an exam or glasses in a few years(thanks insurance)but if you can,I fully encourage you to, it's a good thing to see how your eyes are doing and when you go,I hope you all have a great experience! It was always my favourite part of the year to get a new pair of specs and be able to see more clearly 👁️👁️
398 notes
·
View notes
Text
ancient runes and sea creatures
summary. leehan ends up in his worst nightmare - getting the perfect student into trouble
au. hogwarts!!!! ravenclaw!reader x hufflepuff!leehan
word count. 4722 (got a lil too carried away... )
warnings , extras. leehan is intimidated by reader ?? but in a like. impressed way?? also reader is a head girl prefect!!. a slightly suggestive implication at one point but like, its misinterpreted ++ a bunch of hogwart lingo and lore (?). use od leehans real name. mention of a creature that eats humans
author's note. a biiig thank u to @slytherinshua and @gluion for pushing me out of my writers block w this one!!! and esp moni, who tbh came up w this plot!!! i hhope u like it!!! it kinda took a self-indulent route for me (ancient runes as chinese characters haha... haha... and leehan being a mid student w niche hobbies vs the perfect student yn who! shocker! likes! studying... hahah....ha.....) ANYWHO. also love u to death @l3visbby for proofreading!! where would i be w/o u atp....
also i wanted to post one last thing in 2024!!! so i hope u enjoy it and get ready bc ive been cooking <3
leehan fixed his glasses, fingers brushing against the coarse pages of his favorite book. then, he glanced at his notebook. filled from top to bottom with neat, medium sized, handwritten text. here and there were loose sketches and photographs attached with fish shaped paper clips.
the hufflepuff boy looked up at his gryffindor friends - jaehyun and woonhak. they were chatting about something loudly, the sound of their voices blending in with the noise in the corridor.
sunlight peeked from behind the windows leehan was leaning against, making him feel even more indulged in his own world.
“we’ll keep going. don’t wanna be late for potions!” jaehyun suddenly announced in his ear and ruffled his hair “see you, donghyun!”
he just smiled in return, woonhak having goodbye.
before returning to his book, he let out a small sigh and started looking at the students passing him by. a lot of friends giggling and talking, some people studying or snacking on colorful candy.
then, as if a lightning struck him, he tensed upon noticing you.
you were walking with fast pace yet not hurried one. the navy and grey colored tie rustled on the wind, your hair waving gently. a small frown was painting on your graceful features.
“what do you mean sungho is not showing up? i need everyone there” you asked, glancing at your ravenclaw friend for explanation. however, they did not have any.
“no idea, y/n! he just told me to tell you and wandered off… you have to–” they started.
“i don’t have to do anything. we have to cooperate if we want everything work out” with a scoff, you turned your gaze away and locked eyes with leehan for a mere moment.
he felt blood rushing to his cheeks, quickly glancing down at his book. you looked scary. no, intimidating.
“this thing isn’t here by accident” you gently tapped your head girl badge with pride. “let’s go to class now. i’ll catch sungho later”
leehan didn’t even realize he was holding in a breath - only when the sound of your voice faded away, he released it.
he tilted his head and smiled softly, flipped through the pages. he only stopped when he saw a detailed print of a basilisk. quite terrifying yet devilishly smart creature.
leehan closed the book and packed his belongings, slowly going towards his classroom.
“oh come on, don’t be such a loner!” riwoo’s whines reached nearby standing student’s ears, causing them to look over at the hufflepuffs. leehan cleared his throat and let out a sigh of defeat.
“fine. who else is going? you know i don’t enjoy crowded places in particular…” he started but his friend already started pushing him towards the exit.
“well you, me, jaehyun, woonhak… and, drumroll please! yes, you guessed it! two infamous slytherins, park sungho and han taesan!” riwoo grinned. leehan nodded, satisfied. that’s a perfect amount of people. “and hanbin”
“just hanbin?” leehan frowned, suspicious. riwoo smiled awkwardly, forcing his friend to move faster.
“and sohee!” riwoo hesitated.
“and…?” leehan grunted, halting in place.
“that’s all! i promise!” sanghyeok put his hand over his heart “hufflepuff’s honor!”
leehan just scoffed and followed his friend to three broomsticks. it was weekend, after all. going out with more than two people once in a while won’t hurt him, surely.
it was warm inside, the smell of delicious food hitting his nostrils. donghyun was quick to spot his friends (and their friends). lately jaehyun was detachable from sohee and hanbin.
eight butterbeers were already waiting on the table, sticking to the wood.
“you made it, woah! you have my respect!” woonhak, the youngest, joked. sungho patted the seat next to him and leehan sat down, smiling awkwardly.
“and you? shouldn’t you be on the prefect meeting or whatever?” taesan asked suddenly, sungho rolling his eyes.
“i should. but if i skip one, nothing will happen” he shrugged, reaching for his butterbeer.
“y/n seemed pretty upset about it” the words slipped out of leehan’s lips before he could realize it. everyone looked at him, a bit shocked, so he quickly added: “i heard it when she was passing me by. nothing crazy, it’s not like i talk to her or something”
the mere thought of standing near you terrified him, not to mention talking. donghyun didn’t know how sungho – or anyone, really – was doing that.
“she’s being dramatic. miss perfect… she decided to be in charge of organizing almost everything this year, at least it feels like it” sungho mumbled.
“yeah, it’s crazy how she manages to do it all. well, let’s just hope she won’t cast melfors jinx on you” jaehyun teased
“his head is as big as a pumpkin already, though” taesan snickered and was met with sungho’s fist on his shoulder.
you were sitting on the grass, crossing out the ideas that seemed foolish. the weather was cold, yet snow hasn’t fallen yet. even though it was november, you were in charge of organising events for students that are going to stay at hogwarts during christmas. you being one of them.
well, it wasn’t fully your responsibility - other prefects were supposed to help.
“stupid sungho…” you mumbled, wrapping your scarf tighter around your neck.
you looked up and adored the view in front of you. the last of leaves falling off trees, being swept by wind. here and there you could see some students but during this cold season, majority preferred to stay inside. then, you noticed a particular silhouette.
someone was squatting dangerously close to the lake.
you stood up, packing your belongings in a rush.
as you approached the reckless student, you noticed the yellow and black colors of hufflepuff. of course. you opened your mouth to scold their behavior but you heard a quiet murmur.
“hm? how did you get here, little one? you belong to the island. you couldn’t have possibly swam over here”
you leaned a bit forward and peeked over the hufflepuff student’s shoulder. he was gently reaching his pointer finger out to a bowtruckle.
the small, green creature was staring at the stranger, big brown eyes blinking slowly. it slowly meet half-way with the person’s finger.
“you’re not as shy as you friends” a low chuckle made you smile “i should get you back there… but how?”
the person rose their head up and looked around. the bowtruckle pointed at you.
“oh?” the student tilted their head and looked through their shoulder, meeting your curious gaze. you gasped, getting caught.
the guy’s eyes widened, lips tightening.
“oh” he mumbled. you frowned, his features looking somehow similar.
the hufflepuff boy stood up, acting as if he did not just hid the small creature in his pocket. he tried to walk away but you stopped him.
“hey! it’s dangerous to be out here” you cleared your throat. the guy stopped in his tracks, back facing you “do you have an idea what kind of beasts are there?”
a soft smile cracked on his lips, eyes trained on the ground.
“kelpies, grindylows, selkies… and oh, the giant squid. man, they are so…” he whispered and you were certain he thought his words didn’t reach you. yet, they did. you smiled, realizing he was probably another creature-obsessed student.
“anyway, i do appreciate your care towards this little fella. however, it would be better if hagrid took care of him” you looked at him with a straight face. the hufflepuff boy kept avoiding eye contact and failed to notice the silly bowtruckle escaping from his pocket.
the green creature ran down his pants and started making circles around you.
“i, uh… i don’t know how to hold him” you scoffed, trying to catch it.
“like this. make sure not to tug the leaf on its head…” he breathed out and caught the bowtruckle, holding it in two hands.
awkward silence fell between you two, the boy stubbornly keeping his head low.
“i’ll keep going” he mumbled and wandered off to hagrid’s hut, leaving you puzzled and somehow intrigued.
“hey, chill out” sungho nudged your shoulder, casing your fountain pen to jerk and leave a crooked line. you glared at him.
“i would if someone helped me. i still have to come up with ideas for the three last days and i need to turn them in to mcgonagall by friday” you huffed and tossed your notebook aside.
sungho puffed his cheeks and looked over at taesan for help. he just shrugged, carelessly tucking his hands into his pockets.
“don’t look at me. i’m not even a prefect” his cat-alike smirk made you even more frustrated.
“okay, well… maybe try asking some students what would they want to do?” sungho proposed, scanning your face to gauge your reaction. you let out a small huff.
“see, here we go. thanks. now i just have to ask around who’s staying…” you groaned and noted down the idea, closing your notebook. “but i’ll do that later. now i’ll go, i promised professor snape to help him clean the classroom. a reckless student just… caused a mess, so to say”
the exchanged amused looks and you raised your eyebrows.
“what?”
“nothing. have fun” sungho snorted. his gaze suddenly snapped up to someone else and he waved. you noticed three people walking up.
one of them looking similar.
“hey, myungjae, do you happen to know someone who’s staying at hogwarts during christmas?” sungho asked, leaning on the table. your fingers twitched at the sight of him almost spilling a cup of juice with his elbow.
“well, uh… our leehan and ricky, i think. and zhanghao. and hanbin, he promised to stay with them so they wouldn’t feel lonely” a boy in gryffindor uniform answered and looked at you, a wide smile painting on his lips.
“you’re staying?” taesan asked. you looked at the only hufflepuff boy in the group. so that was leehan?
“yeah” he answered shortly, purposefully averting his gaze from you.
“why–?” taesan kept asking and you just sighed.
“is there anything you would like to do? during the break. i need to organize events for students so i figured it would be the best idea to ask them personally” you crossed your arms.
everyone looked at the guy, his head tilted down and eyes glued to his shoes.
“what’s up with him?” the other gryffindor student whispered.
you waited for a moment before shaking your head. that seemed to work on the boy - he finally looked at you, shyly.
“it’s a hard question, i know. just… hit me up once you figure it out” you sent him a soft smile and went your way.
“what’s up with you? is the potion blowing up in your face still on your mind?” jaehyun laughed and nudged leehan’s shoulder.
“so that was him after all” taesan snickered.
“chill out, donghyun. y/n is really cool, don’t need to be all tensed up around her” sungho teased. leehan looked around, scanning the great hall. some people were looking their way - but that was probably nothing serious, right? just a bunch of losers, a prefect and the head girl prefect that’s an all a student.
“earth to leehan! why are you staying here?” jaehyun asked, waving his hand before the hufflepuff boy’s eyes.
a playful smile painted on leehan’s lips before he explained his reasons to his friends.
rushing through the dark hallway, you pressed your textbook closer to your chest. it was way past the curfew and you hoped flich was done with his late patrols on this side of the castle. you just happened to get too focused on ancient runes and–
“oof-!”
you felt the impact of bumping into something and almost landed on the ground when a strong hand prevented you from falling. you squeezed your eyes, the darkness not allowing you fully to recognize the stranger.
“y/n…?” his soft voice rang familiar and you glanced at his uniform. the yellow badge with a proud badger adorned his chest.
“leehan, right?” you scoffed and he helped you regain balance, taking a step back. that way, the moonlight sneaking through the windows fell on his face, highlighting his features.
he fixed his glasses, brows slightly furrowed.
“what are you doing here?” you whispered, blinking slowly. even though your prefect instincts kicked in, you were genuinely curious.
this boy had just a mysterious aura to him. always so aloof, almost distant. nowadays, you caught yourself noticing him, usually alone reading a book or doing something. something, indeed. just like when you saw him near the lake. he always seemed to be looking for some kind of creatures. you couldn’t help but wonder what he was up to.
“i… uh, i was researching” he smiled gently. his gaze was fixed on you - unlike other times. maybe he didn’t feel so shy now that the midnight darkness was surrounding you two. you thought it was cute. “and, uh… you?”
“ancient runes. they are quite relaxing to me, it’s just… i write them all over to remember how they look. once i nail that i feel like i can read them properly. but just the writing itself… is, yeah. time consuming but fun” you smiled and nudged his arm gently “let’s go together, our dorms are in the same direction”
he nodded and followed you, the quiet sound of footsteps echoing through the corridor.
“did you think about the question? it’s okay if you haven’t, i was just curious” you asked, glancing at him.
“personally, strolling around hogwarts at such hour is nice. i wouldn’t mind it if i was able to do it without the possibility of getting in trouble” he answered. you agreed.
“i haven’t thought about that. hm. maybe it’ll be possible since there’s gonna be less students. i’ll talk to mcgonagall about it” you hummed “thanks”
“and, uh, did you get it all done? like, the events” his voice was quiet. he wasn’t shy but more so, he was cautiously picking his words.
“yes but there’s not going to be much. people i asked didn’t seem interested” you sighed.
“it’s a shame, you’ve been working hard to come up with anything” leehan sent you a reassuring smile. a strange glint sparkled in his eye, some kind of sadness.
“what can i do? i guess they want to be alone, apparently” you scoffed.
“meow”
you two froze, feet glued to the floor. leehan looked at you, wide eyed.
before you could realize, he was pulling you to hide behind a column. with your head squished against his chest, you could hear his heart pounding as if it was about to rip out of his ribcage.
his hand naturally rested on your head, the soft fanning of his breath against your hair.
the sound of footsteps was coming closer and closer as you tried to think of something.
a sudden beam of light caused leehan to squint his eyes, pulling you slightly closer.
“what an absurd! not only it is after curfew, you are also… doing things that should be kept private! this place is coming to an end! who would have thought, students… of opposite-!”
“what? no! it’t not like that!” you choked out, turning around on your heel.
“mrs l/n?!” filch gasped, and mrs norris’ loud meow was almost soul ripping “out of all people! you?”
“no, it’s not like that! we just…” leehan’s voice was quiet, almost stuttering.
“yes? explain your red faces then! someone who was caught wouldn’t be such a blushing mess! dear merlin, what is going on with those youngsters nowadays!” the caretaker whined.
“we weren’t doing anything, mr filch! we just- we tried to hide! from you, it is. not from you as in… we didn’t-” you tried to explain. when you turned around to check up on the ravenclaw boy, he was indeed as red as the gryffindor representative color. his eyes were glued to the ground and you could swear you saw sweat dripping down his temple.
“detention!”
his eyes snapped up, wide as two prophecy orbs. panic written all over his face, fingers fiddling.
“it’s my fault. let’s not bring y/n into this” he spoke up, swallowing hard.
“how so? i see you two. not just you, boy” mr filch said with an attitude, picking up mrs norris. “i’m not repeating myself. detention. madam pince needs help in the library, so it’s just perfect”
“but-” leehan tried to cut in but the cat interrupted him with an aggressive hiss.
“now go! before i take points from your houses!” the caretaker tsked and you ran off, grabbing his hand. you could only hear distant murmurs “the head girl… youngsters are getting worse and worse each year…”
once out of his reach, almost at the ravenclaw dormitory, you realized you’re still holding his hand. leehan halted, gasping.
“i’m so sorry, y/n! i don’t know what’s gotten into him but i’ll do it myself. please, don’t bother–” the hufflepuff boy started rambling, avoiding your gaze. was he scared you’re angry at him?
you gently put your hand on his arm.
“hey”
leehan slowly looked into your eyes; however, just for a split second. his breath was heavy in the silence.
“it’s alright. i can handle one detention. in the library? it sounds like a pleasure to me” you huffed, trying to cheer him up. poor boy, he must’ve really felt guilty. “he got so pissed because he has never felt the touch of a woman. mr filch got jealous, that’s all”
you chuckled but leehan remained quiet. well, maybe that was a failed attempt at trying to cheer him up.
“i, uh. anyway, i’m sorry too. don’t beat yourself about it, okay?” you whispered, patting his arm. leehan’s small nod made you content. “sleep well, leehan”
he felt your hand slip off his shoulder.
maybe if he wasn’t too ashamed to look up, he would’ve noticed the way you looked back at him before entering the dormitory.
leehan was standing between the bookshelves, enjoying the smell of books. the library was quiet, thanks to the majority of students having left already. even madam pince wandered off to somewhere.
“hi”
he turned his head to the side and was shocked to see you. out of your ravenclaw uniform, at that.
“hi” he whispered and quickly returned his gaze to the book he was holding. he gulped nervously, his adam’s apple bobbing.
it was his worst nightmare, actually. bringing the all-star student into detention with him. even though the fault was technically on both sides, he couldn’t help but feel guilty. you should be resting and not…
“how’s it going?” you asked quietly, standing next to him. your back faced the bookshelf he was facing, side profiles matching.
“it’s quite pleasant, to be frank” he mumbled in response “you didn’t have to come here”
you scoffed and scanned all the books, laying in messy piles. they really needed reorganizing.
“would i really be able to call myself a student without getting in trouble even once?” you snickered, tucking a strand of your hair behind your ear. “i told you not to worry about it, leehan”
silence fell between you two, only the sound of him flipping the pages bringing warm comfort.
“it’s donghyun, actually” he said softly with a twinge of happiness. you cocked your head and glanced at him, grabbing a random book. “leehan is a nickname that just… stayed. donghyun is my real name”
“it’s pretty” it slipped out of your lips before you could realize, so you just hung your head low and decided to think of a strategy on how to resort the books. leehan smirked and put the book he was holding on one of the shelves. to break the awkward tension you accidentally created, you cleared your throat “uh, did you take care of that bowtruckle back then?”
“bowtruckles aren’t really my thing so i took it to hagrid. he promised me to get it back to its home tree” he hummed, reaching for another book. he ran his fingers over the navy colored cover, the remaining letters of a handwritten title barely there anymore.
“so what is, then?” you asked.
even though you didn’t have to be quiet, you two kept talking softly. you couldn’t put your finger on it but maybe it was the overall atmosphere of the library. alas, you wouldn’t say you minded. it was comforting.
“sea creatures” donghyun answered with a soft sigh. did you irritate him?
“sorry. you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. i’m just curious about you” you mumbled.
your shoulders were touching and you felt his arm move now and then whenever he reached out to put away a book.
leehan hummed in deep thought, far away with his thoughts - hence, he didn’t hear you.
he never would have thought that he would be conversing with you. you were just so out of his league and intimidated him. good grades, friends with everyone… but deep down it was your organization skills. you just had it all together. despite all those side things you took care of, you still managed to find time to study. heck, you even liked it? he recalled your conversation from the hallway. what did you say about ancient runes…?
“they are quite relaxing to me, it’s just… i write them all over to remember how they look. once i nail that i feel like i can read them properly. but just the writing itself… is, yeah. time consuming but fun.”
how can one find thousands of new icons to learn, memorise and remember… relaxing. he was a bit jealous that you did it so effortlessly.
and sure, he heard you complaining about tests and exams. but you still passed with ease. unlike him, who no matter how much he studied, still barely passed.
“ouch!”
a soft thump of a book falling brought him back to life.
he leaned down to pick it up but only bumped against your forehead.
blood rushed to his cheeks out of embarrassment. but you just giggled and took the book, putting it back.
he must have been zoned out for a while because he noticed you did one of the shelves already.
you grabbed another book. it had a black cover and no title whatsoever. you started flipping pages to check what even it’s about. leehan, who was peeking through your shoulder, saw a glimpse of an interesting drawing.
“the giant squid” he placed his finger before you closed the book. you were startled a bit and looked around to meet his face quite close to yours.
yet, his brown eyes were fixated on the creature.
“do you know it’s semi-domesticated? on the chocolate frog cards its described as “the bane” of hogwarts’ students who wanted to go for a “dip in the lake”. it’s so dumb. first of all, it lives very deep in the lake, so even a small dip wouldn’t hurt. and secondly, it’s harmless. it…” he hesitated and a shy smile formed on his lips. you couldn't help but smile as well “it even allows students to feed it bread”
“really?” you asked in disbelief, turning your gaze to look at the drawing of a giant squid. donghyun’s low hum of confirmation made shivers ran down your spine.
“toast to be specific” he added and you felt a movement.
leehan stepped closer and you could feel his body almost pressing against yours, his breath softly fanning over your cheek. the hufflepuff leaned closer to read the information. right, of course.
“but you know, it must be because its magical. true giant squids, architeuthis i think, wouldn’t be able to stand our lake’s lack of salinity. and normally, it wouldn’t digest food” donghyun shrugged. you didn’t know what was happening to you - you couldn’t prevent your smile from growing. listening to him rambling about his niche sea creature interest really warmed your heart.
oh, this boy got you whipped.
“i think it’s a subspecies. like kneazles and mundane cats” leehan added, his finger tracing the black inked illustration of the squid’s tentacles.
your breath hitched. you wanted to reply, to throw a comment. but you realized you had no knowledge in this discipline, making you even more intrigued with donghyun.
“i really want to see it one day. maybe in summer. sometimes it plays with students, you know? lays out its tentacles out of the lake and just… lets the students mess with it” he tsked “hopefully…”
“i’d like to see that” you giggled. you heard a faint gasp and glanced at him. his eyes snapped back at you, as if he just realized he’s been rambling.
“i’ll take you with me, then. i planned on going at the end of the year, just before leaving for summer break” he shot you a soft smile, small crinkles forming around his eyes (and you swore your knees just went weak).
“i’m in” you grinned and gently moved his finger out of the book. then, you closed it and stood on your tiptoes to put it on the higher shelf.
however, you couldn’t reach.
“let me help you” donghyun’s tender voice once again rang from behind you.
soon enough, you felt his warm hand on your hip as he took the book from your hand and placed it for you. for a mere moment you could feel his chest pressing against your back, the smell of his cologne invading your senses like a swarm of butterflies whirling around you.
you didn't even realize when the hufflepuff boy was back in his position, putting back the rest of the books. and further on ramling about sea creatures.
“there was also a case of the giant squid helping a student that had fallen into the lake…”
sitting on a nearby bench, you were writing the ancient runes to form a sentence. actually, you were writing in your journal about today’s date with donghyun. his own notebook was laying next to you - he was afraid to get it wet.
“ah, y/n, quick! a grindylow!” he yelped and you shot to your feet, dropping your journal onto the bench. with snow crunching underneath your feet, you sprinted towards the hufflepuff boy. he had his scarf and hat on, pink nose peeking from the layers.
“how did it come here?” you asked curiously, quickly joining his side.
leehan's gloved hand grabbed yours and pointed at the quickly swimming creature. it was barely visible due to its dark color blending with the green shade of the lake but you could see its outline.
“my bet is looking for food. they like fish. or maybe it was bored. or…” donghyun hesitated, looking over at you. you shifted your gaze at him, looking at his big brown eyes hidden behind his glasses. “or… it came here for its prey!”
donghyun suddenly wrapped his arms around you, lifting you off the ground and spinning around. you squealed, taken by a surprise.
“they don’t eat humans!” you whined when he put you down.
“uh… sure…” he chuckled and reached to the pocket of his puffy jacket. he grabbed some dried algae and threw it into the water. you moved closer to him, suddenly scared. interlocking arms with his, you snuggled onto his side.
“it eats people?” you asked quietly as you saw the creature swimming closer to the food. its head poked out of the water surface, small, black, shiny eyes looking at you before taking a bite of the algae.
leehan snickered and grabbed your chin, eyes locking with you.
“only cuties like you” he grinned and moved his yellow and black scarf out of his face. then, he leaned closer and kissed you softly. even though his lips were cold, you felt warmth spreading through your body. you smiled into the kiss and pulled him even closer by the scarf.
who would have thought that two days after the detention you’d gain the courage to ask him out.
he pulled back slightly, first looking at your lips with a smirk and then back in your eyes.
“and humans. but only the grown grindylows and that one is still a baby” he grinned. and before you could even roll your eyes, he pulled your ravenclaw-colored hat down and covered half of your face. with a giggle, he pulled you closer.
masterlist <3
taglist. @slytherinshua ,, @weird-bookworm
#onedoornet#boynextdoor#boynextdoor x reader#boynextdoor scenarios#boynextdoor imagines#boynextdoor fluff#bnd#bnd x reader#bnd scenarios#bnd imagines#bnd drabbles#bnd fluff#boynextdoor leehan#bnd leehan#leehan#leehan x reader#leehan scenarios#leehan imagines#leehan fluff#leehan boynextdoor#bnd x you#bonedo fluff#bonedo#bonedo leehan#bonedo x reader#bonedo imagines#leehan x y/n#leehan x you#bonedo hogwarts#kim donghyun
45 notes
·
View notes
Text
“the stars will bend so that we can find each other again.”
w.c. 1k~ / content: sunday x gnreader, soft but desperate sunday strikes again, unrequited(?), angst on xmas what a blessing, open ending, you leave sunday behind to take a train starward a/n: my initial idea was completely scrapped bc i wanted to write more sad sunday, soooo this was a last minute plan i quickly conjured for xmas ( . •́ _ʖ •̀ .) it is unedited short but enjoy nonetheless!
inspired by closet(acoustic ver.) - fleshwater ♪
⋆⁺₊❅。
welcome aboard, dear passengers. please take your designated seats.
spirited penacony, bold in glamour and hues, is dulled by the colourless winter and painted with nightly blues. the snow becomes like paper under your feet, where your imprint is etched to reveal a long trail, telling stories about your journey. you have come a long way.
however, there is another story to be told. beside you was another pair of shoes, their footprints lagging ever so slightly behind your strides. their steps were uneven, crooked—shy off two beats from keeping up with your pace, but bordering on the fear of you acknowledging even a sliver of their haunting shadow.
it will pain you to turn around. so don’t. the train greets you, its opened door ready to embrace your tired body. the freedom you sought is within reach and you place one foot inside.
“won’t you please look at me?”
your breath hitches. the grip on your luggage tightens.
“i beg of you.”
you are stuck in limbo.
“...i’m leaving, sunday.”
the train is about to depart. please remain seated as the express prepares for your journey.
you turn to face him and mask everything with a smile, but what sort of person would he be if he cannot notice your performance? it is not a satisfactory answer. sunday would not budge. he would not care if the snow buried him.
if he doesn’t, you will have to make the move, push him far enough over the edge for you knew how stubborn he could be. perhaps the truth could break it once and for all.
you swallow the dryness in your throat. “... i'm tired of being stuck here." people are not meant to be birds trapped in a cage. keep them for too long, and they will start to wonder about the purpose of their wings.
sunday’s eyes waver, a disparity widens from his usual orchestrated composure. “i thought i kept you safe,” he speaks, “i would give you the world if you desired so.”
“you didn’t. you hid it away from me.” the years have passed and the stars rotate along. you were never meant to be here forever. “there is a vast greatness beyond the dreamscape, beyond penacony, and beyond planets.”
“but you can’t—”
“you’re doing it again,” you interrupt, “i am not yours to order. please, let go of me...”
he pauses at your hard tone. it carves the words into him as he repeats it over into his head, so easily scrapes him into mere bits despite his practiced acting.
“then, can you tell me where you are going?”
before you went out, you forged your resolve: you would leave tonight. “... i’m sorry,” you mutter, "i don’t want you searching for me. i will return when the time is right, not when you command it so.”
“... i see.”
the nostalgic past flashes on sunday’s face, and you remember the younger him as you notice his downcast eyes. his wings are barely fluttering and he is playing with his fingers. the drift of the sea of snow does nothing to obscure it, and it works in his favour.
don’t fall for it… except that this is not part of sunday’s act. these are his true feelings. he cherishes you greatly, but you are too familiar with how it drowns you. he needs to know you are near him, have you safe, be able to watch you. control. it reflects upon the way he oversees penacony.
sunday's fingers hesitate, hovering in the air. "can you tell me for how long...? how about your companions? will you be far away? will you stay in touch? have you told everyone? how... how long will i have to..."
"..."
any separation will feel like eternity, never to close. it is a sunday who is afraid of losing anyone again, so he clinches onto them as tight as he can to the point of suffocation. his hands are behind his back, tightening into a prayer, mourning the hollowness that your presence is supposed to occupy.
emotion wells in your heart. it is only when you need to forget him, that he suddenly becomes so hard to ignore. "sunday... listen to me."
you hope that time will offer him space to contemplate. and although it is a painful reminder, you hope that the hole you leave behind will convey your message. you hold out your pinky towards sunday. “let’s believe that the universe will hold us together,” you gaze at the night sky. "you alone are not meant to hold the weight of the world."
sunday's wings twitch. his halo hums.
you nudge your pinky at him. “one day, the stars will bend so that we can find each other again.”
bells chime in the distance, chords striking, and the strings resound a melody of calming tuned to open ears. it reminds him that the passage of time is relentless, no matter how many more seconds he borrowed—it only delays the inevitable.
sunday gazes off to the side, observing something transcending penacony’s familiar ground. a concept vast and horrifying, but perhaps beautiful and endless.
sunday then looks at you. "you promise?"
"promise." and memories of a younger you and sunday flicker, hand in hand, smiling against the odds, against a fate that could have made you strangers.
sunday’s smile is afflicted, but hopeful. the stories didn’t end here. there will be many winters to come, and the snow will always be ready to write your tales.
he links his pinky with yours. in the vast and horrifying, a sealed promise sets alight two more stars who will eventually separate with light years between them. only when these stars aligns, they will bend to meet again.
sunday untangles his finger, slithering his hand over your palm to study you one more time. your hand that used to be smaller, now fits comfortably in his hand.
his eyes glimmer colourfully. he watches how much brighter you shine—a star who is returning to the cosmos, a bird who belongs to the sky—understanding that you were never his.
once again, the train is about to depart—
sunday gradually lets go of your hand, setting you free. his warmth leaves you. you step inside the train with a destination to elsewhere, waving him goodbye. “thank you.”
—and may this journey lead you starward.
⋆⁺₊❅。
a/n: have a merry christmas, get lots of presents(no boring socks), christmas tree doesnt fall and crush you, no burning down houses bc the turkey was forgotten, always winning the christmas crackers, the christmas pudding is actually a delectable 4-tiered heart-shaped chocolate cake, no awkward family games everyone just plays mario kart, gingerbread biscuits come to life, santa likes your cookies, rudolph has a red nose, michael buble serending you, the christmas elves are finally free, sunday makes out with you under the mistletoe ho ho ho🧑🎄 thank you for reading!!
#hsr x reader#honkai star rail x reader#honkai star rail#hsr sunday#sunday x reader#merr chrissmassy guys!!#kaboom powpow ow punch kick boomboom
22 notes
·
View notes
Text
so i've officially gotten the job!!! 🥳🥳 i start NEXT WEEK
#cytherea.txt#gonna be real tho the australian economy is in fucking shambles everyone's “hiring” and nobody is actually HIRING#i keep on thinking man i'm soooo glad i had a pension and stable housing during this process#bc this took a full MONTH it was literally the first job i applied for#i ended up applying for like a dozen jobs heard back from five of them and two of THOSE gave me automated interviews...#and i ended up passing them up bc i wanted this one
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
One wedding and three funerals
Background paintings under the cut
#tomgreg#succession#tom wambsgans#greg hirsch#shiv roy#roman roy#kendall roy#yeah no im not tagging everyone thats too much#this is me going 'how much implications themes and symbolism can i fit in one painting'#yes i gave rose shivs haircolor. if we ever find out how she looks like and its not like this im just gonna pass away i guess#but yeah i hope yall connect the dots#i put waaay too much thought and work into this. i was googling pictures of all the actors as kids just for reference (sigh)#honestly kinda wanted to make tom and greg link pinkies as like. a pinkie promise. but that was too hard to draw in this angle#at least not without obstructing the view of the ring which is important to see so ya#my fave is actually the tomshiv wedding pic i went off with that. i love them... they should have run away to become sheep farmers fr fr#anyway im so glad im done with this UGH!! finally i can draw smth else without being like oh noooo i need to finish this#i see a lot of you wondering why there is no portrait of logan but one of ewan#it's bc the placement of the painting represent their standing. logans portray would not hang next to the stairs#his present portrait hangs at the end of it. all the way up at the top. alone and withering away#basically the picture you see underneath ewan to the right? its where toms parents would be. the right side of the wall is tom and gregs#and the left one is the roy siblings theirs. since they grew up rich rich. and tom and greg didn't#but ya thats why ewan hangs here and logan does not :)
15K notes
·
View notes
Text
POOR GABRIEL MONTEZ! YOU NEVER SAW THIS COMING DID YOU? ALL YOU WANTED WAS POWER. SECURITY. SAFETY. & THATS EXACTLY WHAT YOU GOT! JUST IN EXCHANGE FOR YOUR BODY. LETS JUST HOPE NO ONE FUCKS THIS UP. LETS JUST HOPE YOU WONT HAVE TO CLEAN UP THE MESS.
#jrwi fanart#jrwi show#cw gore#jrwi suckening spoilers#jrwi suckening#jrwi gabriel#jrwi gabriel montez#LOOK FAMILIAR?hahahahahDONT WORRY#IM REUPLOADING THIS HERE BC i fixed up the drawing a lil. and also i wanted to add main tags#U WONT SEE ANY DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THISSUN N THE POST ON MY SIDEBLOG.i changed the image there too.HA!!!!!!!#ANYWAY.i rambled plenty about pain and gabe on my sideblog.SO LETS TALK ABT THE ART SHALL WE.ihad i very hard time getting the colors down#would u believe i nearly left this uncolored??FUCKED UP!! it was only a sketchhow did it end up like this. it was only a sketch...#BUT IM RLY GLAD I WENT W COLORING IT.this time i actually used the airbrush n pencil tools BUT i also have a handy dandy brush i made#its just the mspaint air brush tool. fucking LOVE THAT THING. but now its in fire alpaca and it can be slightly transparent.IT LOOKS SOGOOD#perfect for splatters and grime.i love you mspaint i love youuu.im also so happy w the blood here.i think i reached a shift last year#back when i made that genloss fanart something abt the way i draw blood finally CLICKED and im like OH. the inside must always be darker.#like i KNEW that already but it was like my hand itself finally had it click.i wonder what i will learn next?I LIKE THE ORGANS HERE TOO#not as veiny or thready as i usually draw em. but i think thats fine. not as WET as id like em to be but thats also fine.#i got the point across. the point ofc being WOW THIS IS GRUESOME AND PAINFUL AND TERRIBLE#I LOVE HIS EXPRESSION.i love pain and thinking abt pain. you lose yourself to it after enough time passes of just being in an ocean o agony#at one point its just too tiresome to scream or writhe. theres a point when the body accepts it.sometimes.atleast.#OHHH GABRIEL AS A CHARACTER DELIGHTS ME SO MUCH.he is a dog to me.a thing to serve others.I WISH I KNEW MORE#WHAT ELSE DID YOU WANT BOY?? SURE POWER AND SECURITY AND SAFETY ARE NICE.BUT DID YOU HAVE DREAMS? WANTS? PASSIONS?#WHAT WAS THE STORY BEHIND THAT TIGER TATTOO ON YOUR ARM?WHAT DO THE DOGTAGS SAY BOY?I WISH I COULD HAVE TEA W U#OHHH TO SIT DOWN WITH A CHARACTER AND JUST SPEAK TO THEM. AND YET. AND YET IN THE END ITS ALL TRAGEDY AND COMEDY#TRAGEDY AND COMEDY THAT IS SO SO PAINFULLY UNBALANCED. SIGH.#WHATEVER CMERE BOY YOURE BECOMING AN OC OF MINE NOW UR GONNA BE IN SPACE AND UR NAME IS GONNA BE VINEGAR#UR STILL GONNA BE SHIP OF THESEUSED THOUGH. OOOHHH GABRIEEELLL GABRIEL MONTEEEZZZ#HOW MANY PEOPLE WERE BUILT INTO YOU.HOW MANY DID YOU LOVE AND CHERISH.HOW MANY TATTOOS DO U RECOGNIZE ON UR NEW ARMS#WHAT WAS IT LIKE? ON THE NIGHT U WERE SIRED?WERE YOU EXCITED? DID YOU SEE YOUR BOSS' FACE?WHAT WAS THIS PROMOTION LIKE?
138 notes
·
View notes
Text
🎃 -- halloween . . . terror is trending !
the witch of ramshackle, the guardian of diasomnia's longs...auburn.
this card is an sr. (vignette 1) (vignette 2)
summon: i wish malleus and lilia would have though to ask me if they could use my residency as their halloween set-up...
groovification: did you see diasomnia's set-up!? i can't believe they built all of that so fast!
set to home screen: let's go see everyone else's displays! i know they put lots of effort into them.
home transition 1: grim no, you can't eat that--! ugh, thank you for reigning him in. he doesn't know when to stop sometimes.
home transition 2: you know, i thought it would be kind of hard to take this seriously since it's a bunch of teenage boys, but they actually pulled this off.
home transition 3: i saved up some money and bought some candy for my friends. i put extra in some of the bags...hey, don't guess who those bags are for!
home after login: i'm not good with horror! these boys get way too rowdy during this season...i need to have a girl's night with on my own to recharge...
home transition (groovy): which display was the scariest..? give me some time to think it over!
tap home 1: you know...this purple is kinda cool! i think it looks good on me, hehe.
tap home 2: you want me to take your picture? oh, of course! what kind of angle do you want?
tap home 3: your costume is so cute! it really clicks with your dorm's theme, ehehe.
tap home 4: i don't know how our housewardens do it...they're kind of amazing. i think i would get overwhelmed with all of this. eh!? what do you mean i'm technically a housewarden too!?
tap home 5: if you want to find me tonight, don't look into the library. i've avoiding idia shroud like the plague.
tap home (groovy): those degenerates who only care about their magicam accounts have gotten on my last nerve...don't tell anyone i said this but i hope malleus zaps them.
#🐙! auburn's yuusona <3#i still need to replay the halloween events because i dont remember them at all#but i think this one and part two are different?#isnt the first one cute nd shit and then the second one is when yuu gets “kidnapped” at the end of halloween?#and so they have to go into the spectral realm to make sure halloween passes?#ok the memories are coming back kinda JDSJJSDJSD#SO IN MY TIMELINE#MY YUUSONA WAS DROPPED INTO TWST BEFORE HALLOWEEN#and yk halloween week is super fucking hectic#so she was a WRECK since she was still getting used to everything#but it also meant she got to spend time alone#yk...until she met ace and deuce#since shes obviously super upset/homesick but doesnt want to cry in front of everyone bc ew???#she goes to find a secluded place to cry for a while#and thats when ortho found her and tried to comfort her#she goes out on snack runs at night sometimes and one night she recognized ortho and went over to thank him#and THATS when she met idia for the first time#cue her trying to make conversation and him doing his irritating mumbles under breath that people CAN HEAR#so gets increasingly more annoyed and fed up with him and remembers him as the guy who made her night worse by assuming things about her#so my yuu meets the shroud brothers pretty early on in game#ANYWAYS.
20 notes
·
View notes
Text
🎃 -- halloween . . . terror is trending !
the witch of ramshackle, the guardian of diasomnia's longs...auburn.
this card is an sr. (vignette 1) (vignette 2)
summon: i wish malleus and lilia would have though to ask me if they could use my residency as their halloween set-up...
groovification: did you see diasomnia's set-up!? i can't believe they built all of that so fast!
set to home screen: let's go see everyone else's displays! i know they put lots of effort into them.
home transition 1: grim no, you can't eat that--! ugh, thank you for reigning him in. he doesn't know when to stop sometimes.
home transition 2: you know, i thought it would be kind of hard to take this seriously since it's a bunch of teenage boys, but they actually pulled this off.
home transition 3: i saved up some money and bought some candy for my friends. i put extra in some of the bags...hey, don't guess who those bags are for!
home after login: i'm not good with horror! these boys get way too rowdy during this season...i need to have a girl's night with on my own to recharge...
home transition (groovy): which display was the scariest..? give me some time to think it over!
tap home 1: you know...this purple is kinda cool! i think it looks good on me, hehe.
tap home 2: you want me to take your picture? oh, of course! what kind of angle do you want?
tap home 3: your costume is so cute! it really clicks with your dorm's theme, ehehe.
tap home 4: i don't know how our housewardens do it...they're kind of amazing. i think i would get overwhelmed with all of this. eh!? what do you mean i'm technically a housewarden too!?
tap home 5: if you want to find me tonight, don't look into the library. i've avoiding idia shroud like the plague.
tap home (groovy): those degenerates who only care about their magicam accounts have gotten on my last nerve...don't tell anyone i said this but i hope malleus zaps them.
duo magic: malleus, we have to protect ramshackle! || i assume that mean you're giving me permission, yes?
#🐙! auburn's yuusona#i still need to replay the halloween events because i dont remember them at all#but i think this one and part two are different?#isnt the first one cute nd shit and then the second one is when yuu gets “kidnapped” at the end of halloween?#and so they have to go into the spectral realm to make sure halloween passes?#ok the memories are coming back kinda JDSJJSDJSD#SO IN MY TIMELINE#MY YUUSONA WAS DROPPED INTO TWST BEFORE HALLOWEEN#and yk halloween week is super fucking hectic#so she was a WRECK since she was still getting used to everything#but it also meant she got to spend time alone#yk...until she met ace and deuce#since shes obviously super upset/homesick but doesnt want to cry in front of everyone bc ew???#she goes to find a secluded place to cry for a while#and thats when ortho found her and tried to comfort her#she goes out on snack runs at night sometimes and one night she recognized ortho and went over to thank him#and THATS when she met idia for the first time#cue her trying to make conversation and him doing his irritating mumbles under breath that people CAN HEAR#so gets increasingly more annoyed and fed up with him and remembers him as the guy who made her night worse by assuming things about her#so my yuu meets the shroud brothers pretty early on in game#ANYWAYS.
13 notes
·
View notes
Text
Can we agree on a shared clothing size system. I ordered a bikini bottom on eBay (cause I found the top here but the bottom was sold out, uncommon size bra girlies know how hard it is to find a bikini that fits AND in a color you like) and it was marked as a size 10 and since the store was in the UK I thought that must mean it was a UK size 10. So off I go converting to EU sizes and yes UK 10 is a EU 38/M so great my size!!
But it arrived today and NO it was apparently a AU 10 which is NOT a EU medium but a EU small! I got this shipped all the way here for it to be too small bc size conversions needs way more research than I thought! Can we have a shared clothing size numbering system please!
#this has been a whole struggle bc at first a Norwegian web shop DID have the bottoms I was after#so I ordered the top from one web shop and the bottom from the other shop cause none of them had both#I get order confirmations to my email#two weeks pass I get the top but no shipping notice on the bottom#SURPRISE they didn’t have the bottom after all but THAT mail ended up in spam for some reason!!#so I went on eBay to order instead and managed to get the wrong size#can’t imagine it’s easy to return so I guess I’ll order ANOTHER#this may not seem like such a big deal but when it’s really hard to find bikinis in your size AND a nice color that isn’t black or neon#well#I want us to have an international clothing size number system please#but we can’t even agree on metric systems so I guess not#it’s the fantasie swim in Persian Rose if anyone’s wondering
12 notes
·
View notes
Text
honestly gotta say one of my favorite things abt yvieliv is the way the way the insanely overt flirting/tension between the two of them (the former being like entirely yvie @ liv) goes practically entirely unnoticed by the whole rest of the group bc like. it does not register as anything noteworthy as far as yvie is concerned. like ofc she's calling liv babygirl and making other much fruitier comments. she talks to all of her friends in a way that borderline if not outright would constitute harassment 😭 so that could literally mean nothing!
#shoutout my girl for laying the groundwork that allows her to be like#openly all over her best friend's girlfriend#by being just a downright demon for several years b4 liv was even in the picture 😭#like yvie really just flirts with Anyone just to do it#like the ENTIRE group. its esp obvious w the boys but thats bc its the one instance shes clearly kidding#bc she hits on them like she does w girls and shes a top w girls so its. rlly blatant LMFAO#mindy is like maybe the one exception to all that but thats bc they be arguing#and even she is not immune to ending up on yvies “how many shots for me to sleep w each of my friends” tiktok#but liv is the only one yvie's ever actually slept w. ofc dont nobody think shes serious if she says she'd hit#like she's said the exact same thing to everyone else but never actually followed thru 😭 or rlly even WANTED to#tho even beyond the group like man i mean literally anyone 😭 atp it's just who she is#she'd be fighting for her life tryna hold a convo without letting the Hashtag RealFreak out#if anything it would look more sketch if she did Not make a pass at liv ever bc then it would just look like she has a problem w her 💀#which...whew yeah them girls got some issues but!!! thats kinda sorta a topic of its own!!!#— ♡ 𝘭𝘢𝘥𝘪𝘦𝘴 𝘧𝘪𝘳𝘴𝘵‚ 𝘣𝘢𝘣𝘺 (𝘪 𝘪𝘯𝘴𝘪𝘴𝘵) // yvie romero.#— ➴ 𝘪 𝘤𝘢𝘯’𝘵 𝘣𝘦 𝘸𝘳𝘰𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘦 𝘤𝘳𝘢𝘷𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘺𝘰𝘶 ! // yvieliv.#— slasherverse posting.
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
I think we should bring back basic etiquette lessons such as shutting the fuck up when you’re watching a movie in a group that is not exclusively your friend group 🙂
#welcome to another Mick Airs Out Their Grievances and by god is it a VERY long one#prob best if u don't expand the tags#am I being maybe a bit meaner about this than I would be for any other movie? maybe but pac rim is one of my favorite movies of all time#so I think I get a pass on this one.#one of the groups on campus is hosting movie nights & I went to this one bc I've only ever watched pac rim on my laptop and wanted to watch#it on a larger screen. yay yippee I love this movie!#there r maybe 10-ish of us in this room and a three person friend group is sitting on the couch one of whom has seen the movie and two who#have not. okay so far so normal.#and then the movie starts and they won't! stop! fucking! commentating! the whole fucking movie!!! I don't have a problem with doing that#when I'm in just my friend group because I know that I can tell my friend to stop talking or pause the movie or whatnot but not when I'm in#a large group w people I'm not good friends with ffs#and the comments aren't even funny or anything they're all oh this is JUST like in iron widow!! oh they're SO gay and autistic!!! and#they're talking so loud about this that it completely drowns out the movie audio which has already been turned up a few times#like. be considerate!! some of us want to yknow actually listen to what's going on and not whatever bullshit you're saying#I nearly walked out three or four times before I actually wound up doing so#I may have been a bit of a bitch at the end but I don't care. I got up to leave because this was not an enjoyable environment and one of#them offered to turn the movie down if it was too loud. this caught me a bit off guard since I expected them to still be so wrapped up in#their convo and. well. I may have said 'it's not the movie that's too loud' before closing the door#this also reminds me a lot about my issues with online shipping culture and it bleeding through into how we interact with media irl#this is probably heavily influenced by my aromanticism but I'm so sick of people constantly reading romantic relationships into everything#AND placing more importance on those relationships than any other form. I don't mind romance in media. I think if done right it has great#emotional impact on a story but when a movie is running and when other people who may not want to hear it are in the room watching it too#is not the time to be loudly saying 'he's autistic!' 'they're in love!' 'she has a crush on him!'#I have my own interpretations of the movie some of which agree with what they said and some of which don't but that's beside the point of#knowing how to coexist politely in public#anyway. I think they were awful and annoying and they ruined my night out.#I think I'm just so incredibly mad about this because I love the movie and I was looking forward to watching it in a group of people who#found it cool as well while still having some modicum of politeness#I almost wish I had been meaner but that's the extreme annoyance talking I think#hater hour over love u guys bye
11 notes
·
View notes
Text
i feel weird even claiming my family used to be considered "rich" bc a lot of yall immediately jump to having summer homes, 20 yachts, and enough money to save a country
#not gonna act like we weren't well off... ofc we were but like.... we werent on THAT level nearly at all#more of a country club... goes on a lot of vacations.... has a decently sized house with a pool... kinda rich#which is still rich dont get me wrong but i promise i wasnt living like fucking. kim kardashian or whatever ok#we didnt have a fuckin walk-in-fridge or 20 unused empty rooms#i say this bc ppl end up surprised when i tell them im not anymore like 'how' well its a lot of things like the housing market crash#my parents getting a divorce my dad being the one with the job that my moms dad gave to him that was making him all the money#and my grandpa passed not long after i was born so when they split up we were just going off of whatever he left really for a while#had to move etc etc.... now im low income and rely on food stamps and ssi ✌️ but thats mostly bc im disabled so#kinda necessarily low income bc the govt only wants to pay the very bare minimum that they can.#its also- not my money! i dont get to decide what happens to it and i dont get to decide i get nice things or whatever. that all hinges#on if my mom or gma wants to.#so technically even if you wanted to consider them rich still- its not part of me atp bc its not even my money and im an adult#whos not legally dependent on them anymore. i think it only counts if its *your* actual money or if your parent is okay with dishing#out like a 1000 dollars a month like its nothing. completely unfazed by giving it to you.#its not rich if its conditional ok like... children of rich parents arent rich and i will die on this hill. why do you think so many of the#end up fucked up? not only is it bc they've had ppl basically doing everything for them their whole life so they dont know how to take#care of themselves they're also entirely dependent on the parent for money. when you feel controlled like that- even if your parent isnt#necessarily abusive about it- just the fact everything you do hinges on the approval of your parent- kinda fucks you up and makes#you feel like you're stuck being a forever child. not great for people who probably want to go out in the world and date to feel#like you cant escape being dependent on your parents
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
its so embarassing likee. going to talk abt a feeling you have but you already know ppl will be like Oh that sounds like depression lol and its like. well yes . i know . trust me i am so aware i am depressed . but its still like a thing ive been thinking abt and wanting to talk abt but ik itll just be like Ok hun 👍. idk idk what response i would want tho ig FNFNFNF
#not anything serious i was just thinking how like. idk. this is gonna sound rly stupid#but for me personally like. sometimes. How do i phrase this without sounding rly evil#i think obv ppl can spend their money however they want but like. its kind of hard 4 me to grasp sometimes like. there r things that ppl#spend a lot of money on bc it makes them happy like umm. vacations or pets or hobbies or whathaveyou. and obviously thats fine but#i iust feel like its all so. temporary and like. idk. idt im ohrasing this right at all i just likee. the thought of working all year to#afford to take a vacation and then working again to afford another vacation just makes me feel like i want to die. like. idk... i like#vacations we dont need to go on them a lot but ig its just like. everything we do just feels like a waste of time. not in like a Ohh you#should be doing more work Obviously its just like. idk. maybe it is just me. but i feel like im just waiting until i die and can be done#with it i guess. and everything i do is just to fill time until that happens. yk ? which is silly bc of my whole. Thing i cant talk abt#but ppl talk abt like. going out and partying or going on vacation or whatever and i like. I like those things its nice when they happen#but they dont rly make me longterm any happier i guess. everything just feels like another thing im doing. idk. this rly isnt coming out the#way it is in my head. and Again i know this is just depression shit or whatever im just like. its all exhausting. it just makes me feel so#tired. to think abt working and working and working so i can pay to be alive and i can save to do one fun thing every so often to keep me#sane enough to keep working and working and working and i probably wont ever be able to retire itll just be. work. and then ill die. yk.#but i feel like the vacations and stuff dont like. refresh me very much. maybe its just bc ive only been on one 'vacation' as an adult and#it was just like. coming home to see my family. and realizing id have to move back home yk..#+ like. my mom nd my gran taking me out for a weekend when i lived up there#nd those things were nice and all but once its over its like. it doesnt fuel me to keep going it doesnt make me feel any better abt having#to work for the rest of my life#ik im being ridiculous bc im literally unemployed and i cant even get up off my ass to get my stupid fucking ged so i can get a job and be#Useful to my family its just like. idk.... i try so hard to be like Oh nothing mayters and thats why everything matters type thing like. Yes#all things end and the point is to just try to be happy until it does#but i feel like it just doesnt happen for me. i feel like any happiness i feel is so insanely like. it happens and then its gone. and its#back to just. the knowledge that im still fucking stuck here. and i will be until it happens. yk. i play video games tomoass the time until#i go back to sleep then i wake up and i make a spreadsheet to pass the time until i go back to sleep#and everyday just feels like passing the time until i go back to sleep and itll just keep going until it happens. and its nice to have nice#days but whats like. the point. yk. everything just ends#IDK. this is all very whiny im sry. ive just been feeling it a lot lately . i hope this doesnt feel like me being like Ohhh you ppl r so#dumb participating in hobbies and going out and having fun dont you know yr gonna DIE? thats not what im trying to be like#its just like. i feel like it doesnt make me as happy as it does other ppl like. none of it refreshes me or makes me want to keep going
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
one of these days i need to sit down and write out the lore i've thought up for kuroba's youkai au bc i went a lil wild with it.
#it also acts as a precursor for their denki mystery au so i really should have it written down somewhere#quick crash course in the tags let's go :#it's set in medieval japan and starts in what later becomes akatsuka village in denki mystery#kuroba ( they're named kuroha in the au bc that loan word wouldn't exist at the time ) is living as an apothecary in akatsuka village#they're accused of being a katawaguruma in disguise after one of the village encountered one with their face the night before#they're almost executed by the villagers in a pine grove when karamatsu comes to their rescue#( the kodama are pretty fond of kuroha & were making a huge fuss about the situation so he decided to help )#kuroha wants to track down that youkai w/ their face & clear their name so kara offers to help them#he tells them that he's just curious about humans and doesn't want to pass up the chance to learn more through them#but he's clearly got ulterior motives for going along with them#so they end up traveling together to track down the rest of the brothers and figure out what's the deal w/ that katawaguruma#( and learn the truth behind how the sextuplets became youkai in the first place )#THAT'S THE SET UP!! i have a lot of more plot details thought out but it'd be too much for the tags#someone bully me into writing this out ( and finish designing kuroba's youkai au look )#okay i need a nap after work see ya'll in a sec 😭#mj rambles
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
just realized my fatal flaw and the great struggle of possibly the rest of my life. while watching a cdrama.
#a sock speaks#local construction#fundamentally I lack the confidence needed to be a writer or a teacher#on the one hand I can't brazen my way out of this by pretending to be confident. I need to actually have the knowledge and skills I claim.#on the other hand I can't just say I'll be confident once I have more knowledge and experience. I have a master's degree!#I want to get more school but more school on its own will not fix this#I've let opportunities pass by because I was depressed. I didn't see how I could be enough for them.#or I was too tired (because I was depressed)#but sometimes it's bc I'm not sure if trying would make things better or worse (that one's on the OCD more than depression)#it makes sense that I lack confidence because of inexperience. but I can only gain experience by going for it. doing things badly is good.#it makes sense that I'm scared to face criticism. I've faced my whole community against me.#I've been stuck at someone's house debating scripture for hours with a migraine and no food. I think that was mildly traumatic for me.#but in most cases I am physically safe and the physical fear is irrational. I can work on this with some gentle exposure therapy.#but I need to bring together the effort to organize my thoughts and the bravado to hold my ground in an argument#and I can only build up this confidence with practice. I need to write. I need to do public speaking.#I'd need a platform for speaking (I'd hate to do a podcast or vlog but it'd be good for me)#but I should write! why am I not writing more? I need to write. writing is the way forward#several years ago I was in such deep despair with life that in order to survive I told myself#that I just had to survive. I didn't have to achieve anything or prove myself in any way as long as I stayed alive#and I went to grad school in Georgia not because I saw a path to a career in biblical studies but because school made me want to be alive#(extremely bizarre case of grad school not being the problem. I know.)#I know I missed a lot of benefits I could've had if I'd been mentally healthy when I went. but it's okay because it kept me going#I can go back to school or not go back. do biblical studies or do something else. I don't have big expectations for myself#but as my mental health improves it occurs to me that I COULD do more if only I believed it was worth the effort#I don't need to fear failure when the alternative was not even attempting it#I need to write. I need to write. I need to write.#I'm thinking I might start a newsletter or blog or something. some Bible stuff and some church/social commentary. just kind of open ended.
5 notes
·
View notes