#and i dont know if that was ever. dealt with
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WHY ARE YOU IN THE MOLD ROOM?????????????
thhe mold room :] i like it in there
#tealgoat#for proper context: room in my grandmas house had just. a mushroom growing in it#and for some reason my grandma. kicked the mushroom when she found it sending spores everywhere or smth#and i dont know if that was ever. dealt with#but i do like going in that room for when im calling friends. and i call it the mold room#asks#pastell speaks
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I think Mob Psycho 100 has a pretty good view on hatred (at least from my own personal analysis of mp100). I've been shocked by being warned about loving but simultaneously encouraged to allow myself to hate. I do hate, I just think it naturally happens less if you understand exactly what or who you're going to go about hating and why before you decide, or if you can never want anything to do with someone ever again while still wanting the best for them (Toichiro or Mogami come to mind). Too many people get hung up on the fact that if you try to approach everyone with kindness, including people you don't see eye to eye with or have some considerable flaws, you'll inevitably get hurt. It is a reasonable thing to be worried about but should not obstruct you because it is not the point. I would choose getting hurt sometimes any day over being apathetic.
#you know some things or people have a very obvious reason to warrent hate#but some people are just teenagers or have been dealt a bad hand in life#and this took me a long time to collect my thoughts on because at first I thought mp100 was saying “dont hate ever!!!” before realizing#that mindset contributed to the finale explosion so I had to spritz myself with some roach spray#mp100#mob psycho 100#thoughts#fandom
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the transandrophobia discourse is fucking stupid and bigoted and the same old exclusionary hat we've seen over and over again
but what really gets me about it is how STUPID it is?? i mean, no, i haven't experienced EXACTLY what any other trans person has experienced, but the idea that trans men and women don't have BASICALLY the same experiences is insane. the differences between me and a trans woman are imo about the same as, say, a non-op and a post-op trans person. or a trans person deep in a red state and a trans person that lives in new york. honestly i think either of those differences actually matters MORE for shared experiences. i've spoken to lots of trans people of various gender configurations and SOMEHOW we all know wtf is going on with the others.
also im not going to argue about this if you think trans men are significantly privileged then just block me now man. and also get off the internet and interact with real society, which hates all of us pretty equally.
#disk horse /#like. i know trans men and women who have been hassled in bathrooms. who are afraid to go out in public.#who have dealt with the same dysphoria#anyway this post brought to you by the hot take 'binary trans men dont know what its like to be a woman'#which is one of the more insane things ive ever seen#we've BOTH crossed over that line. we've seen whats on either side of it.#thats literally what trans MEANS.#a trans man may not know SPECIFICALLY what you feel as a woman#but dear god we arent aliens we can fucking figure it out
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i think human nature/family of blood is a really good two parter in how it manages to show how full of shit ten is 🫶
#look . i LOVE ten . esp whatevers going on w him in s3 he's horrible and i like that#but just !! martha :(#its so incredibly unfair to martha he doesnt unleash his wrath on the Family he chooses to hide instead and okay yeah fair#and sure u can say the tardis chose the setting and time period for them to hide in but like#did that not filter in to his calculations he went through all that turned himself human put his friendship with martha to the test in#the worst way possible. knowing she wouldn't let herself leave him even if he was Abhorrent towards her (and he was) because#of her duty to the universe and beyond and whatever . to blend in and keep the Family off their tails#and she's put in a demeaning position and degraded and even he doesn't seem to care much for her but she still hangs on#and then in the end its like its all for naught. all that pain and suffering martha went through being the only one w her wits about her#he had the capacity to deal w the threat the whole time he had the ability to dole out a horrible punishment he could definitely#have dealt with them a different way than that too .#and instead in his quest to be the bigger person he ends up putting martha through the horrors and then#does the same with the Family anyway ! i dont think he can ever tell her how harshly he dealt with them#surely this isnt an original thought im just thinking Way too much about blue moon by niki#he Does care more about being good than being good to her specifically !! and its so upsetting theyre so volatile i miss them#its more complicated than that sure but at the same time. it sort of isnt .#anyway martha jones my love my life u deserved at least a billion apologies alongside the thanks like god . whats wrong w him#oh and also he wants to move on without properly talking about it . act as if it never happened#like girl be fucking considerate for ONCE she just went through a personal hell for you !!! how insanely lonely she must of been#i dont believe martha ever let him just brush past it w no acknowledgement like yes i think she definitely didnt want to discuss the#accidental confession but i Do think she would sit him down to finally get him to Accept he cant just take her wherever in the past#if he's not ready to look out for her . its a vital conversation i think they need to have otherwise martha would just walk out there#not even love could make her stay through that its been established already she has the strength to try walk away#and also to try and but through his bullshit and demand answers . and here more than ever she deserves his acknowledgement and he Knows it
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Actually we r at 6 months now without any major deaths in my life, which is great! That's the longest I've gone without any major deaths since last May! The second longest was 4 months between July and November last year. Wow !
#speculation nation#negative/#i mean not exactly but also. ya kno.#really i dealt with death after death in may july november and the biggest in february#actually i think my great grandma died within the span between july and november. but i wasnt close with her & dont remember when#so idk if id count that. if i did then the longest would be 3 months. between november and february.#all this is to say. wow what a Fucking year last year was huh#i still dont rly feel like i have much trust in people staying alive in my life.#but maybe im a bit less scared of even more people in my life suddenly dropping dead.#... then again now i apparently have something wrong with my liver. which i am still not happy about.#the only reason why im not dying of anxiety is bc i still feel relatively normal overall.#but i also just remembered how. well. 28 has Long been my unlucky number. and im turning 28 next year.#so ive been half convinced im just gonna die when im 28. bc thatd be just my luck wouldnt it#and like overall theres no real reason why i Would die at that age. but now theres something wrong with my liver.#and like ok i dont think it's liver failure. i dont have any real symptoms for it#and if it was an emergency my doctor wouldve told me to go to the hospital. probably.#but idk. my truest anxiety about it is that it could be something cancerous. or something.#and really i have no reason to suspect that specifically. it's just one of the potential causes for the enzyme abnormality we found#but bc it's not entirely off the table. well now my mind has latched onto it. and is like 'What If'#and ok i just now looked into possible liver diseases to try to calm my anxiety. with mixed success.#bc i found all sorts of liver diseases. including cirrhosis. which is irreversible damage.#im just clinging to the hope of the fact that my readings werent Too high... just.#every single one associated with the liver was high. which means theres Definitely something wrong with my liver.#and im kind of scared it's bc of my prior alcohol use. i wasnt an alcoholic but i did drink pretty regularly for a bit.#but also how unfair would it be for me to get a liver disease from that??? the most i ever drank at one time was 8 shots#which is a lot but there are some people doing that kind of thing Regularly. and they dont get liver disease???#regardless this has been extra persuasion to stay off the alcohol. especially until i know what's up with it.#heyyyy mr liver inside me i prommy i will take good care of u from now on. pls dont die on me 😭😭😭#see ok this is what happens whem i start to think. i get anxious. i just need to keep not thinking.#it's 10 pm i think thats a good time for sleepies
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weekend melancholy is starting to kick in >~<
#im gonna go and do my food shop etc to keep myself busy and hopefully my 2nd meds will kick in and we'll be able to handle it together#i think i kind of do this so regularly bc my brain is just processing everything bc i dont rly have time during the week#all cool tho im doing good overall def on the up n i feel way more capable of coping emotionally which is nice. i <3 meds#also.. possibly settling on the idea that i might be agender. very tentatively. lots of experiences n thoughts coming together rn#ive been reacting in unexpected ways to a lot of gendered shit atm which has made me reconsider the way i think abt myself#but very difficult to articulate it to myself let alone anyone else. so ive been sitting with it for now until it precipitates#gender stuff has never rly affected me much or ive never been in a place to explore it which is why i havent thought abt it super hard#but im not the sort of person who needs a lot of internal exploration to figure out my identity like im v self aware tbh#and while im wildly indecisive abt most things in my life for some reason i never have been abt stuff like this. i learned abt lesbianism#like idk 9 years ago-ish and straight away was like yeah that makes sense for me. never looked back since#n similarly ive experienced forms of gender dysphoria before n just immediately dealt with it symptomatically n moved on#its never been smth to agonise abt for me like i know what makes me comfortable in my skin so theres no question abt doing it#and ik im privileged to be able to do that. and also it helps that gender for me is mostly divorced from external perceptions#+ that im v autistic so social pressures dont stick to me very well. i mean yeah i was bullied for it as a kid but i was stubborn asf#so yeah from the moment i realised i was genuinely uncomfortable/upset abt it earlier this week i was like okay. lets try this instead#its given me pretty instant relief from any distress i was feeling so far which is nice. rare respite from one of my torture labyrinths#just testing out internally whether it frames things more clearly n makes me feel more myself/at peace before i choose to stick w the idea#but not gonna do a whole coming out fanfare either way. dont think i wanna change how ppl interact w me + im still a dyke#so i dont consider it relevant to anyone else unless they share a similar understanding of gender to me. or if we're v close#ill prolly broach it w other trans friends eventually bc insert philosophers talking image. but to everyone else its business as usual#happy to play my cis-sona at work. + w new queer ppl i meet ive been introducing myself recently w mirrored pronouns instead of any/all#and i think i prefer that. virtually indistinguishable but theres smth nice abt inviting ppl to recognise me the way they do themselves#like translating + localising a non-gendered language into a gendered one... simplifying decisions abt how to perceive me#and ofc ppl are still gonna perceive me however but idc much unless we're actually friends. the rest is all a performance anyway#doubtful anyone on here ever has reason to refer to me but if u do for some reason... im freeloading off ur pronouns now btw <3#but yeahhh. much 2 think abt. i need to read more alien/ai sci fi.. non-human sentience has been such a comforting concept lately#but yea tldr i woke up one morning this week like damn im prolly agender but i have a full time job to go to rn so idc abt that#.diaries#okkkk my dex is kicking in im no longer on the verge of tears lets go get these groceries wooohoooo
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He won't leave my fucking friends alone.
#tales from diana#sorry this is about that bad friend i have to break up w that ive posted abt on and off the past couple weeks/months maybe#i still have to send him that final 'i dont wanna speak to you ever again'#ive been fucking busy ok. my summer has been full of family events and obligations#i have one brother getting married and the other having a baby!!! i have a LIFE and SHIT TO DO and PPL TO BE THERE FOR other than YOU!!!#i havent spoken to him in over 2 months too and he knows it's bc i don't want to#he's so difficult bc you can't fucking tell him the truth. you can't!!! he can't handle it!!! do you know how hard it is to handle???#the things i have to do to cut him off. because he doesn't respect normal fucking boundaries. make ME feel like im in the wrong#like im the shady person and the liar.#i can't drift from him bc hell pull me back#i can't communicate w him bc he won't hear anything i have to say he'll just turn it around & make it abt himself.#he literally does not understand ppl having motivations to do things that don't relate to him#and he has no sympathy for what he does to other ppl. nothing but self-pity for how they don't like him anymore.#if he dealt w someone who put him through half of what he put ME through. no he couldn't actually.#i only allowed him to manipulate me for so long because i cared abt him. who i thought he was.#and he just point blank period doesn't care about other ppl. so he could never go through what ive gone through w him.#i feel like all this friend breakup has proven to me is that im actually a good person and it can be used against me by ppl who arent#some fucking lesson i needed to learn huh?#i hate feeling as negatively towards anyone as i do towards him. it's so hard for me not to have at least#a little spark of hope deep down for everyone. even ppl ive removed from my life before. i dont HATE them#theyve disappointed me or insulted me or mistreated me but at least their motivations seemed simple and clear#and MOST of them seemed to understand SOMEWHAT that they were in the wrong#even if they don't admit it to me or still find an excuse to hate me. whatever#i can see them as ppl who might feel remorse someday and grow from it#i do not see it in this guy. bc if you have a problem w him he'll only make it 20 times worse.#he's so selfish it genuinely baffles me to think about it. and he's one of the least honest ppl ive ever known.#he'll never see the error of his ways. i do not believe he has that capacity.#and will i say none of this to him? no#im just going to say thanks for leaving me alone these past couple months. it's been good for me.#i don't think i can continue our friendship anymore for my own sake.
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i wear a lot of skirts and pink and whatnot as my style has developed with me & my personality but when one of those age regression girlies latch onto me....i do not like that
#like oh....you think im one of them...bestie no im freshly 23 and im happy i made it this far i dont wanna go back#sometimes i hate being 5'2 with a small frame you have to be very careful and kinda vet everyone you interact with#idk there's a complex discussion to be had. i am someone who has went through what they fetishize and i know a lot of girls in that#community have too. so i worry a lot if if my behaviors and preferences accidentally align with that community in ways i don't realize#bc trauma will always reveal itself. idfk. when i was 20 i got in a relationship with a man who was 30 because i misheard him and thought#he was 24. i thought he was okay until we were at this giftshop and he wanted to get me something but as giftshops are super expensive#i mentioned i could fit in childrens clothes and it saves me a lot of money ($60 shoes are $30 for kids) and tbh fit my frame better#so he was “prove it” so i did and mf said “THATS HOT” ??????????? BITCH#my style wasn't even feminine in the slightest at the time 😑 it feels like a curse to have this kind of trauma then never outgrow this body#believe me ik how trauma changes your brain but how#as a woman#can you ever be apart of that community? why do you allow this to continue and not persecute these men for existing?#you're inherently enabling it and saying its okay this happened to you and its okay that other adults can hurt other kids#when my rapist got put in prison i screamed i yelled i sang i danced my friends set off FIREWORKS for me#when he got out i cried more than i ever have. i moved STATES (not the sole rzn but nonetheless) not that i was in the one he was in prison#in anyways but i was so fucking petrified he'd find me again. its embarrassing but i started sleeping with a chastity belt again.#i made more phone calls i ever have in my life to people who have and will get their hands dirty#i understand the self hatred those girls have. i understand the girls who sleep with everyone to take some of their power back.#i even understand the girls who want to get raped if they got assaulted but it never felt like enough for the pain they're experiencing#but please stay the fuck away from me. as someone who has tried to heal and wants every man like that erased from earth.#do not give them an ounce of attention. ostracize them like they're meant to be. leave it to god for their karma they will be dealt with#reckon with your pain and make sure it never happens to anyone else. only the harmed can make the greatest teachers#tbh bro i am disgusted with myself at all that those are the kinda vibes i put out.#what are you supposed to do as a woman when feminity is equalized with infantilism? i think its tone deaf and misguided whem girls are like#i dress this way to contradict societies views!!! babes its a whole cultural issue that requires reviewing and reforming#you are not doing anything revolutionary by wearing frilly skirts and saying im not like them bc they see you and ur automatically boxed in#i dress how i want and say what i want but i know as a individual im not the beacon of a groundbreaking movement#singularily flipping society on its head. dress how you want but be aware of the connotations. you're living in this society here and now#there's consequences that may not be in your favor and youll be assumed to have values that dont align with you and it may break your heart
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#been sitting in my car for 30 min after clocking out then just making up errands to have an excuse to do smth#so i dont have to go home &be alone until i have smth to do again (go to work the next morning) :(((((#hate how u can go a whole day w out seeing someone &think ok maybe i can get a good nights sleep but then they show up#10 min before u leave for the day &then ur night is ruined bc u have trouble falling asleep#then have stress dreams when u do finally fall asleep#😞😞#ik its bc i havent confronted anything but i dont see myself ever doing it or rather initiating the confrontation bc idt it's my place#like what right do i have to disrupt what someone else has going to bring myself some ease#idk this probably doesnt make any sense i just need to vent bc i have cried in my car everyday after work for a month 😭#im ok ive just landed myself in a particularly shitty situation but only for me#everyone else is fine 🫠#&im a chronic overthinker so i have all these thoughts just swirling around &festering#im driving myself insane &then whenever im around.....the other ppl in this situation.....theres never a chance to let any of it out#im gonna explode at some point i know it &i dont want that to happen bc i dont want to be mean :(( but i also dont want to grow to resent#anyone bc this shit hasnt been properly dealt with :(((((#ugh .#changing of the weather isnt helping i feel like im 16 again in my dark bedroom driving myself insane 😭😭
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heya! i hope youre doing well! i just wanted to say that i know it has been a reeaally long time since you wrote your fic w/ transfem ambulon being a helicopter, but it is one of my absolute FAVORITE tf fanfics. i go back and read it so often, and it has such a dear place in my heart. genuinely such a wonderful piece of writing, and the art you've made for it is just as beautiful. im not sure how to ask this, but i was wondering if it would be alright if i wrote a fic somewhat inspired by that one? it's absolutely fine if not! i just thought i'd ask before i did anything. again, your fic was wonderful and i absolutely adore it to pieces; just having that fic alone is more than enough. thank u for taking the time to read this, and i hope you're having a good day when this message gets to you -🌟
gosh this is so sweet and wonderful to hear, i’d like to thank you first of all for such a lovely message and yes, of course you can write a fic inspired by it!
i also reread that fic from time to time. the writing reads kinda clunky to me now, but it still holds up if nothing else as an extremely personally significant work. writing it genuinely helped me work through my thoughts and feelings with being transgender as i was becoming an adult. i literally would not be half as confident in myself as i am today if i hadn’t written that! it’s a work that lives deep in my heart. and i’m so glad that it lives in your heart too.
as an artist there’s really nothing more fulfilling than when someone tells you that your work touched them in some way. so im very happy and very grateful that you took a moment of your time to send this to me!
#asks#gwaaaaahhh can i take a moment to cry a little bit. like a metronome is my baby okay. its so important to me.#fun fact i had a little sequel in mind ages ago but i only ever managed to write a snippet of a convo between whirl and ambulon#in the end it felt like it wouldve dealt too heavily into topics i dont know enough about.#but anyway. i highly doubt i’ll work on it considering i havent published fic in ages#ive written a few little naruto fanfics for myself and my partner (and transformers poetry….) but thats abt all i can work on
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yesterday morning i woke up from a nightmare shaking but bc i am visiting my boyf rn he was there and could hold me until i fell asleep again which was v nice and helpful and sweet. but then i was thinking abt it and i was like hm. let me doing research on this topic. and then i found out that apparently it is NOT normal to have bad dreams or nightmares every other night as an adult
#idk if i have a ~nightmare disorder~ technically cuz they dont ALWAYS wake me up like they did the other night. most of the time theyre just#extremely unpleasant and then i wake up feeling sad and shitty and bad#but uhhhh i honestly didnt know that not everyone has bad dreams like every night.#ive dealt w/ this since i was like 17 or smth#but then i found out that thc can help stop vivid dreams when i was like 21 so ive been using thc to self medicate for them ever since#but then after my mom was diagnosed w/ cancer and everything in my life blew up last year#the nightmares started coming back more and more and the thc hasnt been helping to stop them. which is maybe a tolerance thing but#maybe it could also b that the stress of Life is too Strong for the thc to combat it anymore lol.#so i think i need to like. actually talk to a doctor about it perhaps#my therapist knows about it a little but i dont think ive ever explained that its like. Extremely Frequent#txt
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there are things abt me that i dont talk about not because im being secretive i either just forget to mention it or think no one wants to hear about it but i think it gives like important context to whats wrong with me 💖
#me when im a child of a messy divorce because my dad has crazy issues that he never got help for so he started self medicating#and dealt with addiction and got to the point of stealing money or trying to return items he never bought to walmart for a refund#and got arrested many times and eventually spent 5 years in prison which literally didnt help at all just gave him more trauma and#caused relationship issues between him and his family which left him without healthy connections and support and#then he got accused of a crime even my mom doesnt believe he did and she'd experienced horrible things from him while they were together#and so he disappeared to run from the police and hes been legally considered a missing person for many years now and it is unknown to#us or any of his family members if hes even still alive out there somewhere and ive had dreams that he comes back and#i wonder if theres something that could be done something that could help him maybe we could never truly be on good terms again but#maybe at least he could have a chance at a decent life even if its away from us#i used to sit on the couch with him and watch nascar and monster trucks when i was little#and i still have some of his nascar novelty items in my desk drawer and the pocket tool that used to be his.#the scars of his tantrums are still in our house the holes he punches in walls covered up with copy paper taped over the wall#and im sure i have the same anger issues or whatever disorders he never got properly diagnosed for because i seem to have inherited everyth#ng from him his eyes his face his hair his anger issues even his handwriting somehow#and he is why im scared of ever doing any drugs because i just know im probably genetically predisposed to addiction just like him#and i dont want that to happen to me#recently i cut my hair and i looked in the mirror and i looked just like him#when i visit my paternal grandparents and aunts and uncles i see the family photos with him hanging on the walls#and i see that large painting that used to be in our house#👍
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My boss said "you lost weight" to me and I was like oh hahaha yeah 🙂. When like. Besides the fact that that's not true. Why do you think it's appropriate for you as a 75 year old man to comment on your 20 year old employee's body.
#I don't think he was trying to be creepy he's just clueless#i know he didn't mean anything by it but it makes me so uncomfortable#i shouldn't have to tolerate this behavior in the workplace I hate that im so programmed to just brush it off#at a different job this summer one of the owners who's an older guy came up behind me and put his hands on my shoulders like wtf!!#again I dont think it was meant to be predatory or anything but it's to casual brushing aside of boundaries that really bothers me#im dealing with the same shit that my mom dealt with is it ever going to get better#i want to speak up when things bother me but it's so much easier to avoid conflict#sorry for the rant im just. slightly filled with rage :)
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sigh
#indulge me in my sadness for a moment#its just not fair#i feel like a fucking trope here but like#i really like this guy#its so much more than like#genuine deep feelings#why cant he stay#why cant i have a shot at a good relationship#i know its wrong to think so but rn i dont think i will ever find a guy like him#and yet it isnt meant to be#im so tired#i got dealt a bad hand and i still try to keep a positive attitude#sometimes its hard to keep up a smile#a constant effort to be happy with what i got#i got a month more of someone that sees me for who i am and encourages every inch of my weirdness#until im alone again#im so sick of being alone#i know its partially my fault but im trying so hard#if anyones reading this#just know that in about 25 days ill be absolutely heartbroken and probably out of order for a few days#if what im feeling now is just the repressed feelings slipping through#then this one will be so hard
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“if therapy is going so well for you why are you still like this” BECAUSE MY CAT DIED AND MY DOG IS DYING, MUM
#TEDDY WAS THE FIRST TIME I EVER DEALT WITH DEATH#I WAS GRIEVING!!!#AND NOW MY DOG IVE HAD FOR AS LONG AS I CAN REMEMBER IS DYING TOO#AND YOU KNOW WHAT!!! DESPITE THAT I HAVE GROWN INTO A MORE MATURE EMOTIONALLY AWARE PERSON#IVE VASTLY IMPROVED MY COMMUNCATION SKILLS#THERAPY IS HELPING BUT IM NOT 100% BETTER BC OF COURSE IM NOT!!!#IVE BEEN GRIEVING FOR OVER A YEAR!!! DUMBASS!!!!#animal death /#vent dont rb
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I wonder if couples who live in the same place or at least closeby know how lucky they are fr
#gnawing on my arm#saying Going Home feels wrong bc Germany isn’t home. not really#seeing my gf has honestly been the happiest ive ever been#even despite the weird growth on me that we dealt with like adults#ive never felt so utterly and completely comfortable around someone#we kinda had a routine and it was good. so good#and now i have to leave again#and we dont really know when i can see him again#it Sucks and im Sad and i dont wanna go back to my family that makes me feel bad and a 9 hour time difference#i mean spending whatever time possible with him is obviously worth it
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