#just know that in about 25 days ill be absolutely heartbroken and probably out of order for a few days

[turtelini]

sigh

[jess-rewatches-prodigalson]

Episode 7: Q&A

Let’s just dive right into this. Spoilers are heading your way. 

1:00 - Malcolm why did you try to talk to the strange man in the dark?!?! It’s not safe you giant doofus. 

1:33 - Gil looks very annoyed and concerned here. This is a man who would ground Malcolm’s ass if he could. 

1:51 - See how Gil’s hands are on his hips? That’s exactly the position Malcolm was in when he was talking to Dani when he was high. Coincidence? I think not. Pretty sure Malcolm is subconsciously trying to imitate Gil whenever he can because Gil is Malcolm’s definition of a good man. 

2:24 - Another instance when Dani directly asks Malcolm if he’s okay. 

2:35 - Edrisa is one strange lady. She doesn’t even look mildly grossed out by the state of those bodies. 

3:53 - Check out JT’s face here. He looks somewhere halfway between annoyed with and concerned for Malcolm. Gil on the other hand is too busy trying to keep Malcolm from jumping off the deep end to be annoyed with him. 

4:25 - Does anyone else find it odd that mother and daughter are sitting so far apart on this bench? I mean, I know they’re fighting right now but still. 

5:00 - “I am far more worried now.” She should be. Ainsley is trying to out manipulate Martin. That’s concerning because a) Martin is a dangerous psychopath and b) Ainsley, to a certain degree, is exhibiting behaviour that probably reminds Jessica of Martin. 

7:00 - I’m starting to believe that Edrisa might be on the autism spectrum. She seems to have trouble reading the mood of a room. She often rambles. She is socially awkward. She talks with her hands a lot. She is very intelligent. She’s a functioning adult but many people with autism are functioning adults if they had proper support as children. Then again, it’s possible she grew up in a home with stereotypical Asian parents who forced her to study most of the day and severely limited her opportunities to socialize in a non-academic setting. 

7:11 - hahaha Gil’s face here. He’s like “Why do I like these two freaks? Why do they look borderline excited in the middle of this morbid situation?”

7:46 - I love the moment when Gil and Malcolm realize that they’re looking for a serial killer. Gil looks guilty. Like he’s blaming himself for not noticing that this murderer was loose sooner. Malcolm looks upset too but it looks like he’s more upset about the effect this is having on Gil than he is about the fact that there’s a serial killer on the loose. Both of my boys need a hug. 

8:23 - They are waaayyy too lovey-dovey inside of Ainsley’s serial killer father’s prison cell. Like did they forget that they’re inside of a psychiatric facility for murderers?!? 

9:00 - The fact that this interaction between Tevin and Ainsley is possible annoys me. I know it was necessary to forward the plot BUT why would two different secure doors be randomly wide open when a guard is moving a dangerous prisoner through the halls? I’m sure those doors are legally required to be heavy enough to close by themselves if no one props them open for safety reasons. (Just my small annoyance. Carry on.)

10:00 - hahaha I love JT. He clearly cares about Malcolm but he also doesn’t know what to say to a dude who is so manic and troubled.

10:22 - I love Dani going on a rant. It’s really sweet. It’s almost as if she knew that if she went on a rant Malcolm would be able to calm down and focus. Look at Malcolm’s reaction to her rant. He immediately calms down and tries to comfort Dani. He refocuses on the case. They are really good for each other’s mental health. They ground each other and I’m so grateful that they’re in each other’s lives.

11:05 - If Edrisa is technically part of the team - why doesn’t she just walk into the room? Why does she wave through the window to get Malcolm’s attention?

11:51 - We have reached a tipping point in Malcolm’s mental health. He just willingly admitted that he’s not okay. Someone sound the alarms. This will not end well. Our boy is going off the deep end....but at least he’s self aware? 

12:00 - The first part of this interview (before Malcolm shows up) is hard to watch. It hurts to watch Martin twist everything into a positive about himself. It hurts to watch Ainsley try to twist everything in the opposite direction. These characters are more similar than I’d like to admit. They’re both obsessed with their outward appearance to the world. They’re obsessed with their own success. They’re driven by ambition. Sure, Ainsley is capable of empathy, and I don’t think she’d ever kill anyone but she’s definitely narcissistic. More so than Malcolm, whose isn’t narcissistic so much as he is obsessed with finding out the truth. More so than Jessica, who really just wants to be less lonely since the world abandoned her twenty years ago. 

13:20 - This is a really interesting point that Martin brings up. He’s technically mentally ill. Does he deserve sympathy for it? I mean, he killed people. I have anxiety disorders and chronic depression. I have a bipolar uncle. A narcissistic grandmother diagnosed with manic depression with psychotic elements (actually, in a lot of ways my grandmother is like Martin Whitly). I understand mental illness. But the second that someone kills another person...that’s where my sympathy ends. At that point I don’t care if you’re mentally ill - you took someone else’s life for pleasure. You shouldn’t be getting fancy therapy and an all-expenses paid trip to a psychiatric hospital. You should be getting the electric chair. (Sorry if this is getting political - I’m generally against the death penalty but psychopathic serial killers and child abusers are the exception to my stance).

13:38 - The darkest of nights?!?! Martin you are making me so angry right now. You sleep like a baby. You have no conscience. That’s literally the definition of a psychopath. You have no dark nights. Your son on the other hand. UGH. 

14:10 - *sigh* look at this. He’s making everything about him. In doing so he’s actually belittling his daughter and her career choice. What kind of a loving father does that?

15:44 - This little moment when Ainsley tells Malcolm that she’s staying is concerning to me. She is so desperate to find her father’s affectionate side that she watches her brother interact with him. She genuinely believes that she is the least favourite child.

16:30 - In this scene Martin says he’s never been to the Bronx. But by the end of this episode we find out that Martin briefly worked at St. Edwards Hospital in the Bronx. Just more proof that Martin is a liar. I don’t know what else to tell you. 

17:10 - Look at that face. That is a man who doesn’t care about his son. That is a man who will say anything to keep Malcolm in the room. To play with Malcolm’s head. That is not a father. That is a monster. Look at how sad Malcolm looks by the end of this interaction. How upset. How scared. He is genuinely starting to believe that he might’ve helped his Dad hurt someone. 

18:56 - Ainsley’s excitement to walk back into that room is concerning. There is ambition and there is obsession. She is obsessed. It isn’t healthy. 

19:25 - “I’d like to discuss one more. Malcolm.” This scene absolutely shatters my heart. For multiple reasons. a) Ainsley just put her career before her brother. She is intentionally starting a conversation that she knows will upset her brother (in front of her brother) because she believes that it will get the results she needs. This is one of the reasons I believe Ainsley is the Whitly child most similar to Martin. AND b) look at Malcolm’s reactions. He is utterly heartbroken. He feels betrayed by his sister. Embarrassed that his father knows about his diagnoses. Embarrassed that this discussion about his mental health is being filmed for television. He looks so sad and defeated here. I just want to hug him. AND FINALLY c) Martin is incapable of even acknowledging that his action have had any sort of negative impact on Malcolm. 

20:15 - And there he is. The most honest form of Martin Whitly. Angry. Explosive. Violent. Things aren’t going his way and that’s unacceptable to him.

20:53 - Another moment that annoys me about this episode. How convenient is it that the alarm starts going off JUST as Martin finishes his little outburst? It’s just timed a little too coincidentally. I know I know. It’s necessary for the plot and the time constraint of the episode. 

21:24 - Look at that. Three people concerned about your shaky handed boy. My heart is full. 

22:18 - Ainsley and Malcolm laughing over their Mom’s phone calls is cute. BUT I feel like Malcolm should be a little more upset with Ainsley right now. I know they’re in a lockdown situation and he probably doesn’t want to fight with her in case that something bad happens to one of them but still. Siblings fight. She treated him poorly. He should be mad at her right now. Malcolm’s acting like nothing happened.

23:55 - Martin is the worst. He really refuses to answer his children’s relevant questions until the camera is rolling. Ugh. Mr. David is not getting paid enough to deal with this family.

25:40 - It’s absolutely disgusting that Martin is so unconcerned when both of this children are in danger, in his presence. Also can someone please explain to me why there was a crow bar in the camera equipment bag? Like for real? That’s not a thing I can see Claremont security approving to enter a serial killer’s cell.

27:00 - It’s not often that I believe that Malcolm is the most rational person in the room (excluding Mr. David of course) but Ainsley and Martin are positively crazy in this scene. Ainsley is desperate and scared but Martin is manipulating her. At least Malcolm has enough common sense to keep a knife away from a serial killer. 

28:34 - The flashback. Martin is holding Malcolm’s hands, guiding the knife. Did Malcolm fight his father before this moment? Was Malcolm drugged into submission? I really need to know more about this. Malcolm looks terrified in the flashback though - he definitely didn’t take the knife willingly.

29:00 - Look at Malcolm’s face. That is pure terror. That is internal conflict. He wants to help his sister. He would do anything for her because he’s her big brother and big brothers are protective. BUT he’s also terrified of giving his father a knife. AND he’s terrified of the flashback that he just had. Look at Malcolm’s face when Martin takes the scalpel. Holy crap. That boy is not sleeping tonight.

31:02 - Another instance where I really don’t support Ainsley. Video tapping the un-consented surgery (yes it was an emergency, I know) performed by a serial killer on her boyfriend. Like. Dude. No. So not appropriate. But she’s doing it a) to try and earn her father’s love and attention and b) she thinks the story will help her career. It’s all about her. And that scares me. 

32:45 - JT and Dani look concerned again. They’re like “What’s the dumbass going to do now?”

33:00 - I love this scene. Gil and Jessica. This conversation is sweet, and intimate in a way that only people with a shared concern can be. How many conversations do you think they’ve had over the years about Malcolm and Ainsley? They’re both worried about their kids. It’s precious and I love it. Also - another example of how Jessica’s heart is in the right place. She really does love her children. 

35:15 - New York Direct News?!? I thought Ainsley worked for American Direct News? Did Malcolm purposely use a different network name? 

35:55 - Is Malcolm giving that look to Ainsley or Martin? I can’t tell. 

37:40 - I feel you Jessica. I feel you girl. He’s playing with both of your children’s hearts now. You are justified in being livid.

38:18 - Concerned Papa Gil for the win! :) <3 

39:24 - I’m really glad that Malcolm is at least aware that his father is playing with he and Ainsley.

40:55 - I love how this episode ends. A rare, intimate moment between Malcolm and his mother. A softer side of Jessica we rarely see, comforting her upset son. Followed by a confused, terrified and equally vulnerable side of Jessica going to the basement.

Dang. This one got long. Sorry. Thanks for hanging out. I’ll post again soon. 

[caws5749]

This took SO LONG thanks @natthisback

1: Name Madison

2: Age 21

3: 3 fears spiders, not becoming a doctor, becoming like my parents

4: 3 things i love marvel movies, my blanket (whoops), and scrunchies

5: 4 turn ons compliment me, be chivalrous, (idk if this means sex turn on too or not but) moaning my n- ANYWHO uh and the last one definitely like showing you want me

6: 4 turn offs someone who only talks about themselves, being like wishy washy, being arrogant/cocky, complaining about the same things

7: my best friend that would be shea @cloversofshea

8: sexual orientation lesbian

9: my best first date okay SO this like isn’t a first date but it was my first like nicer dinner date so I’m gonna count it. It was just this past weekend actually and i just i loved it so much it was amazing

10: how tall am i 5’2

11: what do i miss honestly, feeling like i was good at things

12: what time were i born 11:14am

13: favorite color purple, although it’s slowly been turning to like a baby light pink

14: do i have a crush yes yes i do and i likes her a lot

15: favorite quote “Truth is a matter of circumstance. It’s not all things to all people all the time. And neither am I.”

16: favorite place Chicago or New York City

17: favorite food SALMON

18: do i use sarcasm yes, but i feel like i don’t use it as much as i used to

19: what am i listening to right now Christmas pop playlist on Spotify

20: first thing i notice in new person whether they only talk about themselves

21: shoe size 8 or 8.5

22: eye color blue

23: hair color right now, it’s a brown that goes to blond at my ends

24: favorite style of clothing so if this means like fav style to wear daily, definitely athleisure. If it means in general, i love love love preppy looks? But not super preppy.

25: ever done a prank call? Absolutely, many times

27: meaning behind my url i explain this in my about me page (linked in bio!)

28: favorite movie captain America winter soldier

29: favorite song i don’t really have favorite songs but rn it’s prob December night by Michael buble

30: favorite band i don’t really have fav bands

31: how i feel right now it’s really hot in here, so warm. I feel okay

32: someone i love i love lots of people but ill stick with @cloversofshea

33: my current relationship status I’ve answered this so many times literally just look at the ask game tag

34: my relationship with my parents um yikes

35: favorite holiday Halloween

36: tattoos and piercing i have i have 6 tattoos! “Breathe” on my right inner ankle, a heart on left shoulder, heart w equal sign in it behind right ear, basically an ecg on my left inner ankle, Aquarius symbol on right bicep, and caws 5749 on my left side. And my ears are pierced.

37: tattoos and piercing i want definitely the black widow symbol in the same place Scarlett got her og6 tattoo, an amino acid tattoo that spells out “wah” , definitely more little tattoos! And maybe more ear piercings idk

38: the reason i joined tumblr so, I’ve had a tumblr for many many years. I originally joined bc my best friends at the time had them, and i was like sure! Ive deleted that personal blog since, and started my new personal blog a few years ago. I also have a studyblr that i started i think back in high school, and i just started this blog back in the end of July!

39: do i and my last ex hate each other no, I’d say far from it bc i likes her a lot

40: do i ever get “good morning” or “good night” texts yes from her and i fucking love it, it used to be a bigger thing almost every day and i loved it

41: have i ever kissed the last person i texted lmao no and for those who were wondering it is @cloversofshea

42: when did i last hold hands LMAO WITH @michelinaamour WHEN I WAS STUMBLING HOME DRUNK IN HIGH HEELS

43: how long does it take me to get ready in the morning it depends, anywhere from ten minutes to an hour and a half

44: have you shaved your legs in the past three days no! I am super lucky and have really light colored hairs on my legs and so i dont’ have to shave very often. Also i just want to say that i personally love shaving my legs and it is my choice to do so.. girls, you do not need to shave!!

45: where am i right now so i started answering this in the research lab, but i am currently sitting at one of the dining places on campus finishing it

46: if i were drunk and can’t stand, who’s taking care of me LMAO DEFINITELY @michelinaamour because she’s done it ALREADY FOR ME MULTIPLE TIMES

47: do i like my music loud or at a reasonable level it depends, in car trips, definitely blast it. But just driving around or listening in doors, definitely reasonable level

48: do i live with my mom and dad nope i live with @michelinaamour

49: am i excited for anything yes, I’m excited for lots of things. I get excited easily

50: do i have someone of the opposite sex i can tell everything to no. I used to

51: how often do i wear a fake smile this is a really interesting question. I don’t consider smiles i give to random people like ordering food or something to be fake, so i would say fake smiles are when I’m not okay and trying to hide it. Which happens less often now bc I’m just much happier of a person

52: when was the last time i hugged someone I think it was @michelinaamour two days ago but i think i hugged @cloversofshea that day too so

53: what if the last person i kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me I’d be heartbroken tbh

54: is there anyone i trust even though i should not yes, certain adults in my life

55: what is something i disliked about today my hair won’t do what i want it to :(

56: if i could meet anyone on this earth who would it be probably Chris Evans or Scarlett Johansson

57: what do i think about the most tumblr and everything with that, or probably her or school stuff definitely

58: what’s my strangest talent i don’t think i have any lol

59: do i have any strange phobias yes definitely haha, I’m terrified of stepping on worms

60: do i prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it i think a few years ago i would have said behind, but honestly I think I’d love to be in front of the camera now

61: what was the last lie i told i actually don’t know. Maybe this past weekend as to like the fact that i was going out on a date instead of just going out with a friend

62: do i prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online I’d say talking on the phone bc then they cant’ see me lmao

63: do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? Yes and yes

64: do i believe in magic? Yes, or at least, that’s what i tell myself

65: do i believe in luck yes

66: what’s the weather like right now snowy!

67: what was the last book I’ve ever read The Butchering Art, it’s about the history of surgery

68: do i like the smell of gasoline omg yes yes yes yes yes yes

69: do i have any nicknames yes, madz, madi, girl who lives by the kitchen, queen (a new one) and clown (also a new one) thanks @natthisback

70: what was the worst injury I’ve ever had back in freshman year of college, i did something stupid and my foot swelled up like hell and hurt so bad. There were no fractures detected but the swelling stayed for a really long time, as well as the bruising and pain, and it never returned to normal

71: do i spent my money or save it SPEND IT BABY

72: can i touch my nose w my tongue no I’m not that talented

73: is there anything pink in 10 ft from me. Hmm part of my backpack? And my rings are pinkish bc they are rose gold. Oh and my scrunchie is pink, as well as my iPad

74: favorite animal cat

75: what was i doing last night at 12am i was still at work In the emergency room!

76: what do i think satan’s last name is uh honestly Jim lmao (it’s demons Jim! @cloversofshea )

77: what’s a song that always makes me happy when i hear it so good by dove Cameron

78: how can you win my heart suggest we watch a marvel movie, and I’m prob straight up in love. There are other things too but they’re pretty general, like compliment me, show you want me ya know

79: what would i want to be written on my tombstone haha, as a joke, “so realy its very thing. Just to keep everyone guessing.” But idk something funny

80: what is my favorite word i have no idea, maybe like sophisticated or something like that or aesthetic , champagne is a good one too

81: my top 5 blogs on tumblr ooh! Okay so @markiplier @lesbian-deadpool @americasass-romanoff @lesbianmariahilll @shining-rey-of-sunshine but i love so so so so so many more, and i have a lot of top blogs

82: if the whole world were listening to me right now what would i say fuck trump also I’m gay as hell and I’m growing tired of hiding it from people

83: do i have any relatives in jail not that i know of

84: i accidentally eat some radioactive vegatables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super power of my choice! What is that power lmao this question is great. Prob same powers as Wanda

85: what would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on any weird fetis- JUST KIDDING. Do you still think about them?

86: what is my current desktop picture so on my laptop, it’s fall flowers. But since that’s broken af, i use my iPad and that background is one of the apple ones. It’s just a beach idk why but I’ve never changed it

87: had sex WHY IS THIS IN EVERY SINGLE ASK GAME WTF

88: bought condoms nope i am gay as hell bye

89: gotten pregnant nope i am gay as hell bye

90: failed a class nope, definitely come close though

91: kissed a boy yes

92: kissed a girl yes

93: have i ever kissed somebody in th rain honestly, probably at some point, but I’ve never had one of those romantic kisses in the rain. I really really want to though and i think about it a lot

94: had job yeah, I’ve had three true jobs

95: left the house without my wallet probably

96: bullied someone on the internet no bc I’m not a fucking douche

97: had sex in public not yet

98: played on a sports team yeah, played softball and basketball in middle school

99: smoked weed yeah, but i didn’t get high

100: did drugs nope

101: smoked cigarettes nope, i think i asked drunk once if i could smoke, but my friend was like “really?” And i was like uhhhhhh just kidding haha

102: drank alcohol lmao i drink fucking all the time i mean. I literally have drunk writing nights , I’m drinking tonight too

103: am i a vegetarian/vegan i was a vegetarian for a while, and then an aspiring vegan, and then vegetarian, and then pescatarian now!

104: been overweight no

105: been underweight yes

106: been to a wedding yeah, but like not for a long time. I was like 4 and the flower girl. Oh WAIT. Does playing a wedding count? I played cello at a wedding so i was there???

107: been on the computer for 5 hours straight hell yeah, how would i function not doing this with class and relaxing

108: watched tv for 5 hours straight lmao definitely

109: been outside my home country yeah

110: gotten my heart broken yeah

111: been to a professional sports game yeah. I don’t really do sports though , so when i go it’s usually in suites and I’m just there for the food

112: broken a bone nope!

113: cut myself this is...a. Really deep question but bc i want to be able to speak about mental health on here, the answer is yes.

114: been to prom yes! I went to my junior and senior proms!

115: been in airplane too many times

116: fly by helicopter no, I’m not sure if i want to do this or not

117: what concerts have i been to I’ve been to lots. So first off, I’ve been to hundreds of classical concerts (and performed in them). As for pop, Bruno mars twice, maroon five like three times. Selena Gomez. Josh groban. American authors. Definitely others that i don’t remember

118: had a crush on someone of the same sex yes I’m fucking gay

119: learned another language so if this means fluent, no. I took a decent amount of French and am learning Russian right now!

120: wore make up absolutely. When i choose to wear makeup, its because i fuckign love makeup haha. Most days I’m lazy though and like to let my skin breathe and be natural

121: lost my virginity before I was 18 no

122: had oral sex yeah

123: dyed my hair many times

124: voted in a presidential election okay i think so but honestly can’t remember. But I’m pretty sure i did.

125: rode in an ambulance no and i never want to.

126: had a surgery no and i never want to haha. Well i cant say that. Depending on how my life plays out, I might freeze my eggs or something.

127: met someone famous yes, several I think, but probably Henry winkler was the one I remember most.

128: stalked someone on a social network yeah

129: peed outside nope don’t think so and definitely don’t want to

130: been fishing yes I have been ice fishing and regular fishing

131: helped w charity i have!

132: been rejected by a crush I’ve been not liked back but i don’t think I’ve ever made like a move on a crush and been rejected

133: broken a mirror ooh i don’t think i have actually

134: what do i want for birthday nothing bc i dont’ like my bday

[aspiringhorrorauthor]

Hey who wants to hear the miserable story about how I had to deal with loneliness this year? Feel free to scroll on I just need to write it down to, I suppose close the chapter on the story? Read if your curious, or maybe also need guidance, or just want to learn some tips on how to help someone dealing with it. This will be poorly structured it’s just... getting it off my chest I guess.

People talk sometimes about university students often struggling with loneliness, and often going overlooked because they’re not seen as ‘vulnerable’ as other populations. I mean, look! They’re in a city! They go out every night and piss off the locals! They can’t be lonely!

It started back in 2018 (yup, that far back), when my friends decided that it would be better for my mental health if I didn’t live with them. No lie, that was the actual fucking reason. I was heartbroken; I’ve missed out on a lot of typical “growing up! Yay!” Type things because of my mental health, trauma and bullying and the fact that “living with friends” was gonna be added to the list was fucking heart breaking. But I dealt with it, because I had no where else to turn. No one else to move in with. I cried for like 2 hours solid after they so sweetly told me they didn’t want to live with me because I have *anxiety*. Not even one of the quote unquote “””scary””” mental illnesses (which would have been a MAJOR dick move), just plain old anxiety attacks and hiding from people to calm down. I proceeded to have break downs every Wednesday for 3 months while searching for somewhere to live, bc it was always a stabbing reminder that I was so unwanted.

(They planned to move in with 2 other people so it’s not even like they were only searching for a flat to fit *just* them)

I study 300 miles away from home, literally the exact opposite part of the country. Despite not having many friends growing up I was never lonely because I had a great family who would always chase it away. Maybe I was lonely a bit at school, but I could always come home and my parents chased it away. It was recurrent, but not constant.

I got a place for the new academic year. Studio flat, great location, tiny and over priced to Hell but I was in a safe area which was great because *no one was looking out for me anymore*. I didn’t have flat mates to check I was alive everyday, no one to chat to when I got home. If I got sick, I was completely on my own. My next door neighbour is lovely, don’t get me wrong, but she’s a working professional, and I’m a second year student. Everyone else in studio flats are mature students, masters, phD students or working people. And me. I have so little in common with these people it’s tough to start a conversation with them.

My birthday is early in the academic year, so we didn’t celebrate it until about a month after. Half of my friends didn’t even bother, no card, no presents. Okay, fine, I’m not materialistic, but acknowledgement would have been nice I suppose. This is the only time they came around my flat, and they are the cake I baked to celebrate.

But they inexplicably started to just stop interacting with me. There were 5 of us, they’d pair up in lectures and only talk between themselves between lectures and left me sat quietly trying to speak to someone, ANYONE, because hello? I haven’t got FLATMATES. I talk to NO ONE outside of this “friendship” group. They don’t seem to care much, they just keep telling me how wonderful it must be to live in a studio.

They invited me round to celebrate another friend’s birthday at their shared flat. He gets presents from everyone, including the two that left me out. Their flat looks lived in, there’s board games out while I don’t have room for any of them in mine. They’ve got bean bags everywhere it looks so damn nice. “But your kitchen is bigger than ours!” Eve tried to tell me (an absolute LIE), but they don’t roll out of bed and immediately land in the kitchen. They don’t have to chose between watching tv, eating or living the flat any time they want to dry clothes bc there’s no room. I want to cry throughout the visit, I storm off once were done. I don’t know why. I know now.

Loneliness feels like a weight on your chest. It’s a double edged sword where both edges only cut you. You desperately seek interaction but it also upsets you. I wanted to hang out at their flat because I hadn’t hung out with them in nearly a month at this point, but when I got there I realised they hung out together every. Single. Night. While I cried alone in my room. It made everything so much worse. And they laughed it off.

They stopped posting in the group chat, they talked to me even less. Never invited me out, but there’s no way I could prove *they* went out so it was pointless complaining about it. I was meant to go to a concert with one of them, I reminded her about tickets an entire month before, offered to buy hers. She cancelled 5 hours beforehand. I went alone.

It was a Toyah concert. I fought back sobs in the opening song “Good morning universe”, because it repeatedly asks “how are you today?”. I was awful. I finally had it figured out. I was lonely, isolated, and I didn’t know what to do.

Before anyone gets too sad, the story only continues for 2 weeks past this concert.

1st November, they joke about how Blake, friend number 4, practically lives at their flat, and I get angry. Why does HE get to live there? Blake has flatmates, Blake’s not alone! I should be practically living there because there’s NOTHING in my flat but silence. The internet is on the fritz and I’ve yet to figure out the tv, I don’t even have background noise except the kettle! I storm off, vow to never interact with them again.

I go out for drinks with my neighbour for her birthday. She buys me a pint of coke bc I don’t drink. I hate coke, but I drink it all and chat with her friends. It was a great night.

That weekend I bake pumpkin cake and bread for knitting society, and calm down. I overreacted a bit surely. One more chance, that’s all I’ll give them. The cake and bread doesn’t all get eaten at the society so I bring some for them on the Monday.

Tuesday night is bonfire night. I sit in my flat wishing I could go out and see them rather than just hear them, but I don’t know where to go. I have no one to go with.

Wednesday im sat in lectures beside them, and a friend not in the group but still a friend comes over to chat. One of them excitedly tells her about how they went to a display last night “look at these photos I got of (friend in group)!” I ask if they went out last night, the phone is quickly put away, they ignore me. I ask again. The friend outside of the group is confused and leaves before the lecture starts. I spend 3 hours with loneliness ripping out my lungs, because how could they? They could’ve dropped me a message to say they were going and I could meet up, but they didn’t even do that? Why?

After the lectures finished I corner one of them. The first of my friends at university. The first person on my course I befriended. “Did you go out last night?” “Yes” “without me?” Another runs up “it was last minute it wasn’t planned!” Laughs it off. So I rush off. I don’t say good bye. That was it.

I went home and cried. Told my parents what happened. Cried down the phone to them. “It’s time to cut ties with them”. I know it is. It’s still hard.

So yeah. Miserable story. But any sad story should have a happy ending, right?

Yes.

The next day I told someone what had happened. She immediately called it bullshit and invited me to join her friends. They’re really nice. I like them.

I left the old group chat. No explanation, just “I’m hanging out with X now. Laters” and I left. I wrote my frustrations and explanation in a shitty poem, called it shitty in the poem itself, but also said they didn’t deserve better. They didn’t deserve even that, so I didn’t send it. I think it was a very sexy decision of mine.

But most importantly, through the hardest points, most of my weekly socialisation every week came from the two societies im part of: my society (knitting) and the nerd society. 4 1/2 hours a week of socialising isn’t enough, surprisingly. But it got me through.

But more importantly are the people I met there. I don’t want to tell them what happened, I fear they’ll be upset that they didn’t help more, but they helped so damn much. So much more than could ever be expected from anyone. That final Wednesday, when I’d cried my heart out, 2 people texted me out of the blue and lifted my spirits so much I laughed that evening where I’d cried in the day. Stupid texts too. “Baby rabbits and kittens, cos you’re a vet right?” And “I only just got this message, I would have LOVED some pumpkin cake 🙁”. Poor lads probably weren’t expecting the wild conversations we had afterwards but friendships blossomed from it. Sorry new friend, hope you like the cheese scone recipe you definitely did NOT see coming that day.

The society meets on a Thursday, but it was to be a video watching thing more than a social thing. Loneliness was still tearing me up inside, I wanted to talk to someone damnit! But I went because I needed cheering up. I laughed so hard, I sang theme songs with others, and we all went to the pub afterwards. I’d never been before, I planned to leave at half 10 so I could shower and go to sleep in reasonable time for a 9am lab. I got chatting to the cake boy at 22:25. By the time we left the bar and he’d had his fill of chocolate rolls at my flat (I offered, he was hungry and Sainsbury’s was closed) and I was in bed, it was 00:40. Oops.

But I wasn’t lonely anymore.

Whats there to learn? I suppose don’t take advantage of your friends. If someone is living alone, check on them OFTEN. Make sure you don’t just pair up for conversations in lectures. Invite people round more.

And don’t under estimate the power of a text message. The lack of one ruined one friendship, one daft one about pumpkin cake built another.

(And I baked cookies for my new friends and we ate them in front of the old friends. Get rekt).

[littlesmoosh90]

Get to know me ☺️

1. When was the last time you swam in a pool? - about a month ago although it was more going down slides. 2. Do you like to party? - I like to go to the pub and drink some wine and chat, I dunno if that constitutes partying. 3. If your ex suddenly kissed you right now, what would you do? - break his jaw 😇 4. Are you a virgin? - I have a five year old child that I baked and birthed so... 5. What are your parents views on sex? - I don't have a mum and I can't say it's something me and my dad speak about. He just always told me to be safe as a teenager. 6. If you ran into your current boyfriend/crush in 10 years would you marry them? - I'm not big on marriage but I really hope I'm still with Thomas in 10 years. 7. Is your best friend dating anyone? - my best friend is very happily married to her high school sweetheart. 8. Describe the shirt you’re wearing. - it's my boyfriends, it's big and stripey. 9. Do people who wear Hollister and Abrerbrombie every day bother you? - I don't even know what they are, is that bad? 10. Could you go out in public without wearing make-up? - yeah, I do it often. 11. What is one feature about yourself that you don’t like? - physically, my stomach. Mentally, my overthinking obsessiveness and ability to ruin what should be happy moments because of it. 12. Would people describe you as happy? - in general yes, but as I just mentioned above... 13. Are you single? - no 14. Does it bother you that pretty much every survey you take asks if you’re single? - I don't do many surveys! 15. Do you have Tumblr? - this is tumblr 16. What about Xanga? - don't know what this is so no 17. Have you ever babysat before? - yeah 18. Is there a teacher who you absolutely hate? - I'm long out of school but there was. Any teacher that has no patience or encouragement is in the wrong job. 19. Ever shopped at Sephora? - no 20. If your current boyfriend/crush suddenly moved away what would you do? - I'd be heartbroken 21. Do you have any university plans? - I used to go to uni, I never got my degree because life got in the way, one day I hope to go back. 22. If your best friend revealed she was a homosexual, what would you do? - support her 100% 23. What are your views on sex? - I think it's a personal thing and what works for one person might not work for another and that's okay. People can do what pleases them as long as its consensual. 24. Do sexual questions bother you? - not at all. My friends often joke I should be a sex therapist because I enjoy talking about it. 25. Would you rather have sex with your boyfriend or break up? - if you seen my boyfriend you'd know the answer. He's gorgeous 😈 26. Have you ever dreamed about your wedding? - can't say I have 27. Does it bother you when people TYpe 1yk dis’? Nd stuff? - I honestly am not down with this slang, no idea what it is.. I feel old! 28. Do you delete pictures of you and your exes off of Facebook? - I made a whole new Facebook because I couldn't delete the pictures as they have my son in them and that wouldn't be fair to his dad. So I kept the log in to the old Facebook so I still have the pics for my son when he grows but I made a fresh one mainly for myself. 29. Would you ever date a friends Ex? - no. 30. What’s the last book you read? - twilight for the billionth time and I have zero shame about it! 31. Ready for 10 simple questions? - yeah 32. What is your last name? - Adams 33. What grade are you in? - I'm not, although I do work in a school. 34. What school do you go to? - I don't 35. Summer, Fall, Winter or Spring? - summer. I don't like to feel cold. But Autumn is pretty. 36. Favorite Color? - green and purple 37. Are your parents together? - no 38. Any siblings? - a brother and two half brothers. 39. Favorite subject? - art 40. Least favorite subject? - maths 41. Favorite song? - you're not sorry - Taylor Swift 42. Okay. Simple questions are over. Happy? - sure 43. How many friends do you have on Facebook? - about 300 I would guess 44. Ever been requested by some old guy from another country? - haha yes 45. Have you ever googled yourself? - yes 46. Have a Formspring? - dunno what this is 47. You’re offered free tickets to a Justin Bieber concert. What do you do? - I'd sell them 48. Would you rather spend the day at an amusement park or a water park? - amusement but I do love water parks too 49. Been to Disney world? - been to the Paris one 50. If someone posts their status “9 Inches :(” do you know what they mean? - no? 51. Ever had a boyfriend? - a few 52. Ever had a huge crush on someone who still doesn’t know? - no, I think I've always confronted them to be honest 53. Have you done something in the last week that you regret? - ate faaaaar too much 54. Ever drank alcohol? - yeah, I'm 27 it's perfectly fine. 55. Know anyone who’s currently doing drugs? - unfortunately yes. And unfortunately when you get older you realise that basically every second person you know takes stuff. 56. Ever watched The Hills? - yeah 57. What about Jersey Shore? - you've no idea how much I love Snooki 58. Ever called someone a slut? - I'd be lying if I said no and lying is my biggest pet peeve. 59. What do you think of short shorts? - go for it! 60. Does it bother you if people swear around you? - no, I'm a big potty mouth 61. Have you ever gotten an A in a subject? - yeah 62. What about a B? - yeah 63. And a C? - yeah 64. How about a D? - yeah 65. Ever plagiarised? - does it count if you change the words around? Lol 66. Would you consider yourself popular and outcast or somewhere in the middle? - closer down the scale to outcast but not fully there. 67. Are most of your friends older or younger than you? - half and half. Work friends are older. Friends I've met through my boyfriend are a year younger. 68. Ever been stabbed In the back by a close friend? - probably in high school, not for years. 69. Do you think it’s immature when people laugh at the number 69? - yeah but we all do it right? 70. Ever watched Porn? - yeah 71. How many laws do you think you’ve broken in the past month? - none. Unless there's some law I'm unaware of but it would be a silly one. 72. Do you wake up with an alarm clock? - I set one but Dex usually wakes me first. 73. Do you prefer Wednesdays or Thursdays? - Thursdays 74. If your school had a Glee Club would you join? - probably not, I'm not a very good singer 75. Ever performed in a talent show? - yeah, we played minority by green day and I sang and we won but I think that's cause the band were good! 76. Have you ever cried in public? - too many times 77. Do you have a favorite between your Mom and your Dad? - I don't have a mum, so my dad. 78. Would you audition for a reality talent competition? - no 79. How many celebrity crushes have you had? - a few in my time 80. How many non-celebrity crushes have you had? - probably a good 20 lol 81. Name 5 male celebrities who you think are attractive. - Ashton kutcher, Harry styles, Justin bobby, villa valo in his old days and Robert pattinson 82. Name 5 female celebrities who you think are attractive. - Taylor Swift, jo jo from the bachelor, Selena Gomez, emelia clarke and Kristen Stewart 83. Ever been compared to a celebrity? - someone once told me I look like Sandra bullock and another person once said Cheryl cole, I was hugely complimented both times! 84. Have any embarrassing pictures on Facebook? - I don't get embarrassed easily. 85. Do you think spending 20$ on Lip Gloss is a waste of money? - solid yes 86. Ever used Opinionated? - no? 87. Do you have a favorite store? - I like primary, cheap and cheerful. 88. Would you ever wear Flare Jeans? - no. 89. Do you own jeans that aren’t skinny? - no 90. Have you ever worn the same outfit twice in one week? - like a billion times 91. What’s the longest period of time you’ve been away from school? - probably about two weeks when I was younger 92. Do you google abbreviations you don’t understand? - have done 93. Does it bother you when people have cats as their profile picture? - no if I had a cat she'd be everywhere 94. Own a pair of converse? - yes 95. Is there a teacher at your school who has obvious favorites? - I'm not at school but I was and yes there was. Although I hate to say this, but speaking as someone who works in a school it's hard not to have favourites. But I'd hope I never showed it. 96. If yes, are you one of them? - I think I was favourite for a few yes. 97. Do you text in class? - I didn't have a mobile phone when I was at school lol 98. What brand of jeans do you wear the most? - no idea. Probably new look. 99. At what point do you think sizes are “Plus Sized?” Most magazines say 10. Do you agree? - I don't know if that's a 10 in U.K. Or America. However either way I don't think it's tasteful to label body shapes/sizes in any case. 100. Do you want to lose weight? - yes, says her who doesn't like labelling. But I think if you're doing it for yourself then it's fine. 101. Ever seen a therapist? - no. 102. Ever watched porn?- how many times you gunna ask that? 103. Ever purposely ignored a text? - several. 104. A facebook message? - yes. 105. A poke? - lol, yeah 106. A friend request?- yeah 107. Would you say you read into things too much? - definitely, I've already said it's my biggest flaw. 108. Is your best friend more likely to be the one suggesting something stupid or refusing to do something stupid? - refusing. She's a wise owl. 109. Do you have a “fun friend?” (A friend who you have tons of fun with but you never really have deep conversations?) - a few 110. Ever been called a bully? - by my son when I don't let him get what he wants all the time lol 111. Ever purposely hurt yourself? - unfortunately, yes. 112. Ever gone to church? - not willingly. 113. Would you call either or your parents screw ups? - my mum committed suicide and I've struggled with it. Half of me knows she was mentally ill and I shouldn't hold a grudge and the other half of me just feels it's the most selfish act a person can commit, especially when they are leaving their children behind to deal with it. 114. If you turned out exactly like your Dad would you be pleased? - I'm a lot like him, I'm glad to have a lot of his better trates. 115. What about your Mom? - I didn't know her well enough to comment. 116. Let me guess… You have brown hair? - yes 117. Already know what you’re being for Halloween? - not really 118. Do you still go Trick or Treating? - yes with my kid 119. Ever liked someone WAY older than you? - no 120. Does it bother you when people have really loud conversations on the bus? - no, it's free entertainment lol 121. When you have sunglasses on, do you stare at people? - never really thought about it 122. Ever had a credit card denied? - no 123. What’s the last movie you watched? - Jurassic world 124. Last TV Show? - greys anatomy 125. You see your Ex making out with one of your friends. What do you do? - wish my friend wasn't so silly, for their own sake. But I wouldn't be upset, just worried. 126. Ever been called a whore? - yeah 127. Ever sang the national anthem? - jokingly 128. Ever made yourself throw up? - when I've been way too hungover yes. 129. Have you ever kissed someone who wasn’t your boyfriend. - yeah, not while with my boyfriend though 130. Are you Cute or Gross? - a nice mixture of both I guess 131. Does it bother you when people say “LOOK HOW MUCH YOU’VE GROWN!” - I haven't grown height wise in years so yeah it would lol 132. Can you say intelligent things around the guy you like? - I hope I do often. 133. Ever had the lead in a play? - no 134. What about a solo in a concert? - no 135. What kind of a student are you? - I'm not one 136. Worst grade you’ve ever gotten with a Letter? - D 137. Worst grade you’ve ever gotten with a number? - none 138. Ever had a crush on a teacher? - yeah 139. Would it bother you if you found out that your mother was pregnant? - I don't have one 140. How late do you sleep in? - as late as I possible can 141. Do you edit your profile pictures before posting them? - no 142. Be 100% honest. Do you have any friends who are uglier than you? - I have friends who others might think aren't as pretty or whatever but all of my friends are beautiful people and that's why they are my friends 143. Do you believe in all that inner beauty crap? - I believe it isn't crap. 144. Would you consider yourself a good student? - I think I would be nowadays 145. Does it bother you when Surveys ask “Did you like this survey?” - a bit 146. Salty, Sweet, Sour or Spicy? - sweet 147. Are you going into High School this year? - no 148. What about Junior High? - no 149. What is one thing someone could say to you right now that would make you cry? - tell me something bad about someone I loved. 150. Where did you find this note? - google 151. Last question. How many unread messages are in your phone? - none, I can't deal with notifications.

[kindiekritz]

all for the gay ask memes, yo. :D

Hey anon! Thanks for requesting this!

It’s a bit of a long post, but I’ll see if i can figure out how to add a ‘read more’ to this ask later!!

1. describe your idea of a perfect date

I’ve never actually gone on a date before, so I have no experience, but I always thought that a dinner date followed by a movie or nexflix. Bonus points if it’s an animated movie!

2. whats your “type”

Before all else I’d like to date someone kind, someone who would look past my many flaws and still accept me despite of them. Maybe someone with a great sense of humor and someone who knows when to laugh at themself.

And they’d need to show passion and enthusiasm for life!! I recently started developing a crush on a gal, but to be quite honest now that the infatuation is wearing off, she’s kind of a drag? Like there’s no sense of excitement or happiness in her messages, maybe she just doesn’t like me and she’s intentionally being dry to make me feel bored and to make me leave or something, but if that was the case then it worked. I don’t like people who dismiss and blow off people in that sort of manner either, because you are not worth more or less then the average person next to you.

3. do you want kids?

I used to think that I didn’t, but maybe in 15 years or so, if I am married and i have a stable lifestyle and home, I’d like to have children i think.

I was raised by a single mother most of my childhood, and while my mom did the best she could, it was still painful not having a second parent to rely on, or to simply have as both parents as role models for a functional family. I’d need to have a willing partner who I am very much in tune with in order to raise children, I don’t want them to go through the same pain of divorce or the pain of having a broken family.

And having monetary and home stability are even more important, i also grew up in a lower-middle class family that sometimes had to use food stamps to get by, and my mom and i moved over 15 times by the time I was 15 years old. I really want to be able to provide a safe and stable home for children if I decide to have any in the future.

4. if you do, will you adopt or use some other form of child birth?

Adoption and pregnancy are my two main choices I suppose?

I mean traditionally women are supposed to want to get pregnant and go through the pregnancy process, it’s a natural want and desire after all, and I am no different. But due to health issues I fear that if I choose the pregnancy route it would just be a selfish choice to simply satisfy a want I have, without thinking about the health of both myself and the hypothetical baby. However I don’t want to cross off the idea all the way through, and perhaps science and technology will develop enough by that time to allow me to safely carry a child to term.

Adoption is my second choice, and overall it might be the best. However currently there are many blockades regarding same sex couples adopting, and that might be an issue. And many children who come out of the system unfortunately have suffered trauma and abuse, many of which requires extensive knowledge and experience that parents need to have beforehand caring for a child who has those mental burdens. And unfortunately I may not be the best candidate for caring for a child who needs extensive care like that due to my own mental illnesses.

5. describe the cutest date you’ve ever been on

I’ve never been on a date unfortunately :(

6. describe your experience having sex for the first time (were you nervous? or was it easy peasy?)

I’ve never gotten the succ :’(

7. are you a morning time gay or night time gay?

I kid you not, it’s literally 4:20 in the morning as I write this rn. Definitely night time gay

8. opinion on nap dates?

They’re great, would actually love to go on one some day :’)

9. opinion on brown eyes?

Brown eyes are so cute?? But not mine tho, mine are p drab.

10. dog gay or cat gay?

Definitely a dog gay, but I’d love to own a cat someday tbhh

11. would you ever date someone who owned rodents or reptiles?

yES!! I’ve always wanted a pet rat and like bearded dragons and leopard geckos are absolutely adorable

12. whats a turn off you look for before you start officially dating someone

If someone is judgmental without good reason is a really big turn off, and someone who has no mark of individuality is something that really bugs the hell out of me.

13. what is a misconception you had about lgb people before you realized you were one?

I never really had any misconceptions really?? Probably just that i thought it was not as common as it actually is tbh.

14. what is a piece of advice you would give to your younger self

“hey kids, i know youre struggling right now but im here to tell you, everything gets worse forever”- Twitter user Wolf pupy

15. (if attracted to more than one gender) do you have different “types” for different genders?

I want a guy who will beat the shit out of my enemies, but I want a woman who will beat the shit out of me ;)

(not in an abusive sort of way, abuse is not cool kids)

16. who is an ex you regret?

I’ve never dated, so I don’t have an ex, but I regret every single crush I’ve ever had in the history of ever bc they turn out to be p mean ppl.

17. night club gay or cafe gay?

Night clubs are too loud and bright and shit??? I don’t like them and they smell gross?? I prefer cafés

18. who is one person you would “go straight” for

I’d go straight for many guys, I am still bisexual after all and boys are v cute

19. video game gay, book gay, or movie gay?

pls,,, definitely video game gay there is no doubt about it

20. favourite gay ship (canon or not)

Lapidot is a very sweet ship that makes me rlly happy tbh

21. favourite gay youtuber

Idk, I wouldn’t really watch a YouTuber just bc they’re gay, and nobody really comes to mind

22. have you ever unknowingly asked out a straight person?

I’ve never asked anyone out in the history of ever, so no

23. have you ever been in love?

I’m not sure how being in love is supposed to be like, I wouldn’t know how to respond to this question honestly

24. have you ever been heartbroken?

Yes, definitely. Ppl are not v nice

25. how do you determine if you want to be them or be with someone

Basically it’s just like “can i imagine myself doing cute domestic shit with this person??”

26. favourite lgb musician/band

Idk?? The most popular music by lgb musicians isn’t really my taste, but I usually just stick to the ppl I already know

27. what is a piece of advice you have for young / baby gays

Be kinder to yourself and don’t belittle your accomplishments, you’re stronger then you know.

28. are you out? if so how did you come out

I am mostly out! I have to come out to a couple of friends from school but really mostly everyone knows

29. what is the most uncomfortable / strange coming out experience you have

I came out to my mom around 2-3 in the morning, and unfortunately I found out the next day that the Pulse Club shooting was taking place at the same time I was coming out. It definitely made my mom recoil and made her less accepting of my identity at the time.

30. what is a piece of advice for people who may not be in a safe place to express their sexuality

Don’t feel pressured to come out because you feel it’s mandatory, because it’s not. If it can affect your life in a negative way then please, do not do it. Wait until you are in a safer situation and you have a backup plan set up.

[christinamirabilis]

gay ask game for gays only (stolen from @fakeking)

doing this myself cos i’m bored and i don’t care

1. describe your idea of a perfect date?  okay like, perfect date that is (currently) unrealistic would be an extended overseas vacation with my love - somewhere warm but with lots of exciting things to do - culture, shopping, nightlife - i’m thinking like mediterranean europe, south america, thailand.  skinny dipping, lazy days lying in bed all day in a room with open French doors leading out onto a balcony with a nice view over cobbled streets and a warm breeze stirring the sheet white curtains, sitting outside a café eating delicious food, buying cool shit at the markets... just, yeah, travel.  perfect.

but otherwise, i guess like honestly my favourite thing to do is to go to a bar somewhere with outdoor seating where it’s warm, and we get antipasto platters and sangria or pizza and margaritas, or just whatever, food and drink, and we sit for hours and chat.  there’s a bar on the waterfront that has a bunch of beanbags out on the lawn and you can order food and drink and i went there once with soph and it was really nice even though we ended up having a fight later that night and it was awful, but i wanna go back there next summer i think, with a cute girl who loves me and isn’t planning on leaving lmao.  but anyway.

2. whats your “type”?  honestly i don’t really know like i just really love girls?  all girls?  i mean i guess i like girls who are curvy or a little on the chubby side, with an “alternative” look in some way - crazy hair or tattoos and piercings or just in the way they dress.  girls with loud laughs and big appetites and dirty minds.  i mean, i’m pretty much describing myself here, i’m aware of that.  there’s probably something ominously freudian or whatever in the fact that i’m attracted to girls who are similar to, but better versions of, me, but it’s whatever.  

3. do you want kids?  yeah i think i do.  it’s something i go back and forth on.  it’s not something that i absolutely need to be happy - i have dated people in the past who have not wanted children and honestly it’s more important to me to be with someone who i feel is my soulmate but who won’t have kids with me, rather than someone who i don’t love as much but who will?  but yeah i do want kids, i think, but i’m not sure, and i’m not set on it?

4. if you do, will you adopt or use some other form of child birth? well i’m definitely not getting pregnant myself.  if my partner wants to get pregnant, that would be fine, although i’m gonna have to get over my phobia of pregnant people lmao.  but i think my first choice would be adoption, purely because there are so many kids in the system who need a loving home, so i feel like it would be better for the world if i could make a tiny difference by adopting some of those kids?

5. describe the cutest date you’ve ever been on? ah man i don’t even know.  i’m just thinking about all the things i did with sophie and it’s making me sad so i’m not going to answer this one haha.

6. describe your experience having sex for the first time (were you nervous? or was it easy peasy?)?  i mean, yeah, i was nervous, but more than anything i was kind of like, “oh wow, this is really happening,” because it was a girl who i’d been on one date with and then we met up in town a few days later and i went home with her.  i was mostly worried that i tasted bad?  but i personally didn’t struggle with it like it just felt natural, and i was pretty stoked that i made her cum several times on my first time, like, i was worried i would be “bad” at it or whatever.

7. are you a morning time gay or night time gay?  night time gay.

8. opinion on nap dates?  good.

9. opinion on brown eyes?  good.

10. dog gay or cat gay?  i like both.  i am bipetual, if you will.  but if i had to choose, cats - but only marginally.

11. would you ever date someone who owned rodents or reptiles?  of course, except probably not snakes, but there are no snakes in new zealand.  but i love rats, and i don’t mind lizards and stuff.

12. whats a turn off you look for before you start officially dating someone?  if they’re polyamorous, non-monogamy is my only absolute dealbreaker - and in my experience, the consequences of trying non-monogamy have, for me anyway, been disastrous.

13. what is a misconception you had about lgb people before you realized you were one?  well, to be honest, i’d never ~met~ a gay person, to my knowledge, like, no one that was openly out (although in hindsight i had probably met a few) - and certainly no one that i had more than a passing interaction with, until my friend nic came to the therapeutic community i was living in.  and it was such a shock to me to meet someone who was so openly gay and so confident and unashamed?  because, to me, i had nothing against gay people, but i just felt like i myself couldn’t be one, there was shame to it somehow (a lot of this is tied into my ptsd, it’s hard to explain without going into all of that which i don’t feel like doing) - and i expected that other gay people would similarly be ashamed, like it was some kind of illness that they couldn’t help and they didn’t choose and that they’d rather be straight if they could.  and yeah, so it was a shock meeting nic.  but it was life changing, because it gave me room to consider what i had been in denial about for so long - that maybe i was gay too.  so i’ll always be so very grateful to nic for being in my life in general, because we went through recovery together, but particularly because she allowed me the opportunity to become my true self, and that has been more liberating than anything.

14. what is a piece of advice you would give to your younger self?  i guess to not worry, and that things will become clear to her when she’s ready - and to not worry about why she doesn’t find boys attractive and what might be wrong with her, and especially not to do the dangerous and self-destructive things she did (sending nudes to and sexting a boy she had never met, which could have gone horribly fucking wrong - and for all i know he might have shown all of his mates, but this was prior to social media and smart phones so it wouldn’t have been that bad, getting herself into a situation where she was date-raped at a party, trying to organise anonymous sexual meetings with strangers on the internet) to try and FORCE herself to feel attraction to men.  and that there’s no shame in being gay.

15. (if attracted to more than one gender) do you have different “types” for different genders?  i’m gay af.

16. who is an ex you regret?  ugh i don’t know, like, i have been through some awful shit with some of my exes, but i don’t regret any of them, because they all taught me lessons about life that i took into my next relationship, and into other situations, and i have become a better person as a result - and i have very fond memories with all of them, even if things did go really sour at the end?  particularly my last relationship - it was by far the most painful and chaotic relationship i’ve ever been in, towards the end, and i have so many regrets about how things went and how i should have done this, and shouldn’t have done that, but i don’t for a moment regret being with that person, because i loved her so much (and still do) and i have had some of the best experiences of my life with her and wouldn’t trade it for the world.  so yeah, i don’t regret any of them.

17. night club gay or cafe gay?  both, depends.

18. who is one person you would “go straight” for?  ugh you know i feel like i always have an answer prepared for this, until someone actually asks me?  i used to say kit harington but now i’m not sure?  fuck damn i was literally talking about this with my boss last week, but i can’t remember who it was.

19. video game gay, book gay, or movie gay?  book or movie.

20. favourite gay ship (canon or not)?  ah i’m not really into the whole ship thing but i guess clarke and lexa because that’s the first one i can think of.  OH and i definitely ship daenerys targaryen and asha/yara greyjoy - i know it’s never going to happen but it’s nice to imagine.  emilia clarke is my number one celebrity crush - she doesn’t know it yet but she’s gonna marry me.

21. favourite gay youtuber?  literally could not give a single fuck about youtubers.

22. have you ever unknowingly asked out a straight person?  not to my knowledge, like, i have only ever asked out people who i have been talking to on dating apps tbh.

23. have you ever been in love?  yeah.

24. have you ever been heartbroken?  oh god yes.

25. how do you determine if you want to be them or be with someone?  honestly i don’t!  the only way i can know is if i date them for a little bit?  sometimes it’s both and that’s okay too.

26. favourite lgb musician/band?  ok so i had to google a list of them to make sure i didn’t miss them.  my very favourite is jónsi, cos he’s the lead singer of my favourite band sigur rós.  also i love david bowie, and i like sia and beth ditto.  also apparently jackie cruz, who plays flaca on oitnb, is also a singer - and bisexual!  so that’s exciting.  there’s a whole bunch of people on that list who i didn’t know were queer.

27. what is a piece of advice you have for young / baby gays?  take no shit from straight people - live your truth and stand up for yourself.  but also, keep yourself safe - this is more important than anything else.  lastly, don’t let terfs and racists in the community get into your head - we are a minority, we MUST stand up for other minorities as well.  some of us are also trans or people of colour, and we must protect and uplift them.  we have to be better.

28. are you out? if so how did you come out?  i am completely out now, but it was a process over a couple of years, because it was really fucking hard.  i am now openly gay, to the point that i’ll mention it in passing to strangers if it’s relevant, assuming i feel safe to do so.  but anyway this is a long story, so settle in.

i never voiced the thought that i might be gay until i was 20, during group at the therapeutic community.  i thought i was possibly bisexual for a long time, but in retrospect i think i was trying to compromise with myself, that being bisexual was somehow more acceptable to me than being gay.  but yeah, so after that i didn’t tell anyone again until i was nearly 21, when i was having dinner with my best friend sarah and another good friend from high school, heather.  i remember it vividly, because heather said about how she’d been in a relationship with a girl while she was on study exchange in scotland.  i got up abruptly from the table, went to the bathroom, nearly threw up, and then came back, and they both asked me if i was okay, and i said that i might be gay.  it was really scary because at the time sarah was studying to be an officer in the salvation army and i was scared that she would no longer want to be friends with me, but of course she is a perfect angel and it was no problem at all.  after that i went on a date with a girl while i was living by myself in napier, and then i freaked out and ghosted her, which i feel bad about.  i was also out to my friend mixx, who i met on tumblr that year.  and after that, i didn’t come out to anyone else until i was nearly 23.  i had moved down to wellington to start university, and i had to do summer school for six weeks to do a refresher music theory course, so i was sleeping on my sister’s couch for six weeks.  i hung out with her friends a lot, including her flatmate (her ex boyfriend who was now her best friend, who had come out as gay), and one night i was sitting out having a cigarette with his boyfriend, and i just told him i was gay, and that i was scared to come out, and asked him not to tell my sister.  and then a few days later i was in the car with my sister and i just kind of blurted it out, and she was like, “mate, i’ve known that for years,” and i was kind of offended because i thought i had been really good at hiding it and that she assumed i was gay because i hadn’t had a boyfriend like maybe i just didn’t want one?  haha but it was fine.  and then a week or so later we went up to hawkes bay to visit my parents, cos jen had to take her car up there so dad could sell it for her, and i told my parents while we were eating chinese food, again spur of the moment, and my dad was unfazed but my mum kind of freaked out a bit, i remember her dropping her fork and there was fried rice all over the floor.  and she rang her best friend crying, and the friend was like, “oh man, i thought you saw this coming, i sure did.”  like, she wasn’t upset that i was gay, just that she hadn’t known, and apparently everyone else she knew had.  and i think she did struggle with my being gay to begin with, it took her a long time to adjust, but she seems to be okay now.  and then i didn’t bother coming out to anyone else, i just let the grapevine do the trick/liked lgbt pages on facebook and posted photos of myself with girls.  but apparently my extended family didn’t figure it out and it all came out when we were all at my cousin’s 21st about six months later, but everyone was chill and unsurprised about it.  and since then i have been very open about it, because, like, i had been in recovery for years, but i had been really stagnant, and coming out was the catalyst i needed to truly become well.  i mean, i nearly died later that year cos i had a really bad psychotic episode and tried to kill myself.  and i had another bad episode two years later, but that was related to ptsd.  so neither of those was related to my sexuality, and i do honestly think that being out for me is a protective factor - i don’t have the added complication of trying to hard part of myself while also grappling with illness, so i have been able to recover faster?  i don’t know.  anyway that’s such a long wall of text i’m so sorry kudos to anyone who read it.

29. what is the most uncomfortable / strange coming out experience you have?  ugh honestly most of the experiences i have had have been positive or at least neutral.  i know one of my aunts doesn’t approve - she’s a hardcore salvation army person, threw a massive tantrum when my parents let me read harry potter as a kid - which is hypocritical as fuck because when my (male) cousin came out she sent him a text saying that she still loved him and was proud of him, but she has never said a word to me about my being gay.  although she still treats me the same as she always has so i guess it could be worse, i just have very little patience for her in general.

but probably the worst experience i have had was when i was 23, newly out to my family, had just moved into a hall of residence, and was scared about making friends because i had been pretty much out of society for five years - three years in hospital/residential and then two years of living first by myself and then with my parents, working at a supermarket and with only one friend.  so i was scared, i was still forming my identity as a lesbian.  anyway, a group of girls who lived on my floor decided to adopt me, and i hung out with them for a few days and it was really nice.  i went to an o-week party with them, and on the way back to the hall they decided it would be hilarious to go to a strip club (they were all 18 or 19 so y’know).  i went in but i wasn’t really feeling it - i’m not really a fan of strip clubs and i didn’t have any money to give the dancers but i didn’t want to be in there NOT giving them money.  one of the other girls looked visibly uncomfortable so i asked her if she wanted to go and wait outside until the others were ready to leave.  we were chatting, and she was like, “yeah, i just feel uncomfortable being in the presence of naked women,” and i was like, “fair enough, i don’t mind cos i’m gay, but i don’t really like strip clubs.”  after that she turned really frosty but i didn’t think anything of it until they all snobbed me at breakfast the next morning - turns out this girl goes to one of those evangelical megachurches who think that being gay can be “cured”, and she told the others that she didn’t want me hanging out with them anymore.  think she might have made some shit up about me to make them not like me either, lovely thing to do.  it didn’t matter because i made other friends in the hall, including probably the only two other lesbians living there, but it still hurt.  but the funny thing about it is this homophobic girl was my next door neighbour, and i knew it made her uncomfortable whenever she ran into me in the hallway - and i made a point to occasionally take girls home and have very loud sex with them, knowing she’d be able to hear hahahahahaha.

30. what is a piece of advice for people who may not be in a safe place to express their sexuality?  just do what you gotta do to survive - you’re no less queer if you can’t be out.  find someone you trust that you can talk to, so that you’re not alone.  it won’t always be like this - one day you’ll be able to live your truth.  just keep holding on.

[billy-abel-blog]

Good night words: your tears, I want to do it, my happiness, you have to take over

Good night words: your tears, I want to do it, my happiness, you have to take over. Give your smile to a stranger. Probably, this is the only sunshine he sees in one day; chances are you met it only once in your life; chances are he would have remembered this sunshine all his life.

1, people can refuse anything, but absolutely can not refuse to mature. Refused to mature, in fact, is to circumvent the problem, to avoid pain. The tendency to evade the problem and to escape the pain is the root cause of the human mental illness. If you do not handle it in time, you will pay a heavy price and suffer more.

2, in fact, the happiest fairy tales in the world, but with the oil and gas through the years.

3, life, there is always a person, always with you, that you are not hardworking, not as gentle as others, criticize you spend money, you do not think too dressed, you simply useless. But this person, with his diligence nourishing your inertia, with his strong care of your romance, with all his fill your desires, with his loyalty guarding your beauty. So, you slowly do not care what he said, but firmly go with him.

4, the first day of the heart of the tragedy, after the body edge, fear of knot in Health, then promise heavy, monarch must remember.

5, you are still alone, and occasionally will be lonely Occasionally will want to have a personal hug, so you are still waiting. It does not matter, you will definitely wait. You have to believe that person is looking for you after a lot of experience. All you have to do is take good care of yourself and get yourself into the best of the best.

6, but also indifferent to the best, and then have to be confident.

7, so many things that you feel almost want to kill your life, so much you feel that no place to sustain, will slowly get better. Even slowly, as long as you are willing to wait, it is willing to be the past. Those who can not be overcome for the time being, insurmountable, intolerable, intolerant, tell yourself that anything that lasts will eventually make you grow and make you stronger.

8, before the opportunity comes, the only thing you can do is to make yourself good enough.

9, before the age of 10, by the family a great influence, whether a good family environment is crucial to human growth. Before the age of 20, affected by a great friend, whether a good circle of friends is crucial to human growth. Before the age of 30, affected by a great self, whether a good self-enlightenment is crucial to human growth. After the age of 30, things are more affected by the current situation in society. Individuals may find talent, look hard, and look for opportunities due to their social connections.

10, forget the years, forget the pain, forget your bad, we will never say goodbye.

11, birds with the same feathers, gathered together.

12, some people, can not tell where good, but that is, no one can not be replaced.

13, if a person really love you, distance is not a problem, it will only become a force to grow love.

14, because I do not know if I can meet you next life, so my life will be so hard to give you the best - just love you so much.

15, give your smile to a stranger. Probably, this is the only sunshine he sees in one day; chances are you met it only once in your life; chances are he would have remembered this sunshine all his life.

16, I am very simple, best at losing the burden, bloom smile.

17, two people together to do the most things, is to accompany. I did my job, you did it for you, there are two or three hours of prime time, they are exclusive. But you know that one other person in one space is sitting there, and you feel very practical - that's what's called "personal space." Although those two or three hours are in their own world, the difference is that they are accompanied by another person - this is love, the most normal love.

18, If you just wait, what happens will only be that you get older.

19, after breaking up, do not think back to the sweet past, because it will make myself more painful; do not doubt his decision because he has decided; do not try to restore, because it is not worth it; do not worry about missing him will be the most horrible thing in your life, He is not afraid to miss you, what are you afraid of; do not be afraid you are about to fall in love without life, because that's impossible. After breaking up, please go forward smartly, because it is worth that person, not far away.

20, to say that exports have been restored to the pain, never mention my heart touched.

21, what is the most difficult? Speak with life.

22, Suddenly found a lot of people who are indispensable in life, walked away.

23, the old man in the heart of the dust on this settled, no longer mentioned, stop in the quagmire of life, turn around is empty net.

24, in this world, the most unreliable fairy is the moon, let a good woman met a man do not fly, so that a good man to meet the woman does not fly.

25, if you have love, do not touch ambiguous. In the face of precious love, we need a go-between. Can withstand the temptation, loneliness, the only way to give each other the greatest sense of security, the road of love will go flat.

26, many people can love, few people love worthy.

27, while we are still young, take a few steps, enjoy the scenery along the way, do not rush to reach the destination and miss the warmth of the people and things; while we are still young, say more romantic words, do more Childish things, do not be too suspicious Jokers missed the most beautiful fragments of life and occasions; while we are still young, shorten the distance and extend the time. While we are young, do whatever we want to do.

28, the most beautiful in the world, than to get rid of that smile from anger.

29, Ma: A person has his time, his environment, only in this era, have such success, entrepreneurs can not re-take others' way. Like everyone else, the first example was Gates, Li Ka-shing. Later found that they are not role models, can not learn, too big too strong. A real role model must be around you, you make a small restaurant, an example is a diagonal restaurant.

30, comfort stretched, only Lengnuanzizhi.

31, people can refuse anything, but absolutely can not refuse to mature. Refused to mature, in fact, is to circumvent the problem, to avoid pain. The tendency to evade the problem and to escape the pain is the root cause of the human mental illness. If you do not handle it in time, you will pay a heavy price and suffer more.

31, you think you can not lose, the original is not not to be lost, you flow tears, own funny to you laugh, you heartbroken, and then found that do not love you, you do not deserve to be sad, Looking back today, is not it a comedy? Love, another new realm, all the sadness is nothing but history.

32, Blessed are those who have nothing, because they will have it all!

33, each of the life, with so unforgettable feelings of a few paragraphs or paragraphs, so one or several hand in hand with the stormy people. One day, the fleeting years may dilute it all, and we have only ourselves. Back to the mountains and rivers of their own years, a person continue walking on foot, but we are not alone.

34, you smiled slightly, different from what I said. And I think, for this, I have waited for a long time.

35, why do you want to tangle love do not love? Love to love, do not love to roll. Why do not you do anything else? Right to do, wrong do not do. Why do you want to get married? Natural love will end, do not love what to do? Why not live in the discussion? Are friends know me, not a friend who cares you? Happy life only two words: free and easy. Why cater to this world, and this world to accept me.

36, from the other mistakes to find out their own responsibilities, is the best way to love each other.

37, Indifference is the concentrated expression of evil, because the opposite of love is not hate, is indifference; the opposite of beauty is not ugly, is indifference; the opposite of faith is not heresy, is indifference; the opposite of life is not death, is indifference.

38, when I did not know that love was a one-way street, and now I know it. Love, like respect, is not something that comes, but something that is paid.

39, your tears, I have to work, my happiness, you have to take over.

40, because of love, so paranoid.

[art-stronaut]

is it too ambitious to ask you to answer all the odd numbered questions? :+)

i literally,,, didn’t see this until now and i have no idea when it was sent but it’s never too late for attention ? it was so long so i erased the more boring ones lol

1: Do you have a crush at the moment? ok literally i haven’t had a crush since freshman year of high school and it lasted like 2 years and i miss it3: Longest relationship you’ve ever been in? i’ve never actually been in a relationship lol9: What’s the most important part of a relationship? ok i /imagine/ it would be be similar interests and background, and a history bc that’s what i view as important in friendships13: What’s one thing you regret saying/doing in a previous relationship? see the thing is, that i’m never in relationships bc i have super! bad! commitment anxiety and i talk myself out of it every time so like biggest regret is doing that with everyone15: Do you believe in the phrase “age is just a number”? absolutely not17: Do you believe it’s possible to fall in love on the internet? yes ! there r so many ppl in the world and ur soulmate could be in another country and the internet brings y'all closer together19: How do you know it’s time to end a relationship? when you’re no longer happy21: Do you think people who have dated can stay friends? yes !23: How many relationships have you had? z e r o25: Do you believe love can conquer all things? no :/ like i don’t think i’ve ever seen a single successful relationship ever and i’m super cynical but i don’t want to be bc i’m a real bad hopeless romantic27: If you could go back in time and give yourself one piece of advice about dating what would it be? that it’s not as scary and anxiety filled and serious as i’m building it up to be29: What do you notice first about another person? ?? physically hair i think but personality it's how easily we communicate 31: Would it bother you if your partner suffered from any mental illness? no i can’t expect them to put up with me if i can’t put up with them 33: Do you want to get married one day? it’s not a goal at all but if i find someone who i love so much i would spend the rest of my life with them, that would be so nice35: Could you be in a relationship without sex? speaking as a virgin, i have no idea37: What’s more important: Looks or personality? personality41: What’s your imagination of a “perfect date”? coffee and a walk, with trees and pretty buildings and probably fairy lights and being able to talk and talk and talk without it getting weird43: What’s more important: Your partner or your friends? friends45: Could you imagine to date one of your current friends? maybe? if all things aligned for the perfect scenario? but probably not49: Have you ever broken someone’s heart? is any1 even attached to me enough to get heartbroken53: Are you jealous of couples when you’re single? not super a lot but a lil55: Would you consider yourself “clingy”, “overly attached” or “jealous”? the opposite i think :/61: Who’s more important: Your partner or your family? it depends on how serious i would be with my partner63: Is watching porn while being in a relationship inappropriate? nah65: Would you consider yourself a “cuddler”? not right now cuddling stresses me out and i’ve never had a good experience with it

[stosslenz]

The World Keeps Spinning + You’ve Only Got ONE Life To Spin Along With it,You Do What?

Writing late at night has always suited me. It feels right, it feels good. I enjoy looking backwards- probably- no, certainly- too much. 

Tonight as I cuddle up into nice warm bed, my mind whirling with thoughts of processing.. I must write, I must share with you what victory has been happening inside of me!

Pardon the cheesy, but damn, I think today I realized how short life is and I am pretty sure this was actually, factually, unarguably, something that just changed the rest of my life.

I’ve lived a lot of different types of lives in 25 years, most likely more than the average american, white, 25 year old woman has encountered thus far.

In all of these various ways of living and life experiences, I’ve stumbled upon many valuable lessons, that also brought a sense of maturity, a sense of eagerness to discover and hold onto more good…

BUT then all at the same time I’ve already missed SO MUCH good, while devoting too much time to things that are a waste of time, a waste of life, things like FEAR. 

FEAR was the true Lord over my life for the last 25 years. A monstrous, destructive, mean, nasty Lord at it’s best. 

Fear convinces us of so much, It can be paralyzing, especially because fear is like a creepy compelling defense attorney that has folders and files filled with evidence proving their case.

So fear doesn’t just stop at the more ridiculous things like, a monster being under your bed….no fear uses really good REAL stuff, the real evil in the world, the real death, decay, and pain the world faces daily and tells us to curl up in a ball and do nothing because one of these are coming to destroy us, to take away all of our happiness.

Fear is a shitty asshole and I hate nothing more than fear.

I also have really spent too much time hating myself for listening to fear and letting it have the role in my life that I have.

I hate that I have let fear control me the way I have. My obsession with being afraid to not have “enough feeling of control” has literally until VERY recently absolutely, 100% has kept in a bondage that was sucking the life out of me.

You all, I’ve told you about my issues with anxiety, with depression, with my trauma response issues etc but I don’t think I’ve been so honest about my relationship with fear kind of being the core component of it all.

I had been chained to fear in a way that has ruined too much.

And Back in early November I finally hit my bottom.

Through my hands up in the air and said, 

“OKAY, CANNOT GO ON LIKE THIS. WHAT DO I DO GOD? HOW DO I LEARN TO FULLY SURRENDER TO YOU?! I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE LIKE THIS ANYMORE!”

And I wish I could tell you some singular wild testimony of how this being ruled by fear abruptly stopped- but the reason why I’m telling you this, is because I don’t think it always happens like that for us all.

Some people do get their isolated FREEDOM moment and those are real and special. I love hearing those stories.

But maybe your story is more like mine, maybe you’ve been on a journey to be victorious from fear for a long time, and you just kinda started waking up and telling fear to get the fuck out of your life, and then slowly but surely with some really hard work and ass kicking…fear is one day no longer the Lord of your life.

For most of us, I think it is a process, a journey, not a moment.

My journey is filled with me reacting instead of responding, filled with moments of anxiety, insecurity, desperation, hopelessness, and anger…oh boy A LOT of anger…being afraid all of the time…being chained to fear…eventually will either drive you absolutely looney like to the nut house looney….OR piss you off so bad that you act out and lash out angrily…also leaving you looking…pretty damn looney.

And today, through a serious of different experiences, learning different news about different folks, and spending time with people who I always find myself being filled with peaceful soberness about life…I come to bed tonight reflecting on much, realizing how short life is, how much time I’ve already wasted in my life long devotion and pursuit of fear…

that that way of life is totally behind me.

Like GONE.

This season has been a tough one, involving a lot of surrender- and you know what? I’ve never been happier. I’ve never felt like I truly had surrendered my life to God and said DO WHAT YOU WILL God, take me, take it all, every dirty part, every magnificent part, all of it. Heal it, touch it, consume it, take away what you need- just YOU be my ONLY LORD.

And every day since I’ve began living this out in this last month, God has showed me layers and layers of freedom that I only have ever believed were possible for OTHER people.

For the people who were eligible for happiness- which until a month ago I spent my entire life believing was NOT me.

Happiness? Me? No way, super under qualified. Not eligible…do you know anything about where I come from? Yeah, no happiness for me…just doom, and lots of it.

That is how I my every day thought process for the last TWENTY-FIVE YEARS has gone down, this made much of life’s curve balls very difficult to handle…as you can imagine.

But not anymore.

I think I went through every emotion you can experience as a human today, but one thing I noticed which again is the reason why I’ve written this post…is this…

Today was not controlled by fear. 

Fear was not a foundation or motivating factor in anything I thought about, did, reacted to etc. 

SERIOUS VICTORY.

I mean to go from being a girl who has been diagnosed with a panic disorder, who grew up breathing into paper bags ever since she can remember because she had daily panic attacks, whose life has been honestly controlled by hypochondria in the realest, most embarrassing ways you could ever imagine…IS A HUGE DEAL.

I felt so much today. But I didn’t feel anything I thought I would have in light of the different things that came my way.

I processed and felt confused but was at peace with not having clear answers regarding a lot of political matters, as today was the Women’s march and we’ve just sworn in our 45th President of the United States etc…that I do not understand at all…and instead of being afraid to not know, to not be sure, I was at total peace.

(THIS NEVER USED TO HAPPEN)

I found out my first love is getting married to the woman he left me for and I didn’t cry, I FUCKING SMILED.

You all… I thought the photo was cute. I had no feelings of bitterness or jealously or anything HONESTLY other than happiness for them, because I know we were not supposed to spend the rest of our lives together- and hopefully they are- why shouldn’t I be genuinely happy about that?

(This DID NOT used to happen- I used to get such anxiety about the day when someone told me they were finally engaged)

But no! I didn’t say woe is me, why am I not in love with someone new like he is, I DIDN’T EVEN COMPARE MYSELF ONCE…

I felt free, free to keep living my life and know it’s nice to know things work out well for us, even after all those nights of fighting and crying.

Perspective is a great friend of peace.

I don’t know about you, but nothing on earth sounds worse than being stuck with someone you shouldn’t be with? That would have been my marriage to my ex, had we somehow stayed delusional long enough to get to that point haha. We would have been miserable, we were not made for each other in any sort of way, like not even really compatible friends…we communicated very poorly and now it seems he’s found someone he communicates well with..and does life with very well…

Seriously, Yay ex boyfriend! You deserve that. You deserve every ounce of feeling safe + like you belong with + to someone in the most special way- I believe that, congratulations!

I honestly am laying here watching the transformation of Jesus in my heart like an open surgery of some sort.

Like…Who am I?! Because these feelings are genuinely right here in my core parts of Stoss- my heart- my soul.So foreign but so good…so free!

Then I found out that one of the best moms I’ve ever met, whose little girl I nannied last year, has recently been diagnosed with breast cancer, and is receiving very aggressive treatment and a complete mastectomy, which completely broke my heart. 

I hear this and was wrecked, so heart broken for this family, but also relentless in a stance of hope + eager to begin a journey of fervent prayers with them.

This all caused me to think so much about life, and that’s how the wild realization finally sunk in and changed me…life is short. We have very little control, if sometimes any at all. We don’t get to choose a lot of what happens to us, but we always get to choose our response.

Today I remembered Jen Eldridge and the years my community growing up had with her and her example of unconditional love, to lose her to a long and hard battle with cancer. 

I remembered Maria Cruz who we just  recently, December 2nd 2016, said goodbye to after a battle with a brain tumor, a woman who was devoted to praying for me long before I even became close to her personally- that was just the faithful and amazingly caring woman she was.

And Tori Hendrix who I never knew beyond social media but was the reason why I wanted to be a wedding designer/ event coordinator for so many years..how she was taken home so young last year as well…

Recently so many have been taken from us way too soon, and then so many others don’t get taken but are put through hell on earth in battling to keep their lives…and there is not really anything we can do about it.

Life happens. We get hit by hard stuff sometimes, actually often times.

We fall in love with someone not right for us and end up heartbroken.

We lose people we love.

We live in a world where injustice is celebrated instead of stood up for.

We have fragile bodies that while wondrously built often get taken down by Cancer + other life threatening illnesses more times, than not ,it is beginning to seem.

We make plans to get this job, or move here, or marry this person, or do this big thing, and then it all changes, in an instant.

Easy to be fearful when you think about that all right? Easy to go back to that doom doom doom mentality I told you I grew up with earlier?

Sure, easy to go there…Yes. But do we have to?! NOOO.

 Today we get the chance to be alive while we are. No matter what we face. 

And that is a beautiful chance, filled with opportunity, opportunity to be free and enjoy life! 

I think whenever it was, when I woke up recently and finally decided fear wouldn’t be a anymore, and have continued walking in that, even though things are tough right now, even though there is still a hypochondriac in me somewhere that tries to whisper scary things to me sometimes, even though I have no control over my ever increasingly dysfunctional family, even though I have a lot to heal from and to learn about loving myself before I am able to love someone else the way they deserve…even though all the even thoughs…

I’m truly learning to be happy, joyful, content, at peace, thankful, hopeful- and not afraid or longing for things of the past.

I’ve traded my bitterness, shame, fear, mess, baggage, all of it in for who God says He created me to be…and that is a beautiful, confident, healthy, FREE, woman who follows Him surrendered and without ever relenting!

I think God does great things when we surrender our lives to Him, the first thing being the breaking of chains, the giving freedom to us who have been in bondage, and releasing us into a new FREE, redeemed, life. 

Life is wild, and there is no use trying to tame it.

It was never meant to be tamed or controlled, it was given to us to simply LIVE!

We get one life, with numbered days, not promised all easy ones either…so why not do whatever we can to make it the best one we could possibly have?

Why tell ourselves were unworthy, we’re not eligible to be happy, we’re not good enough for this or that or because of this or that…

no we need to stop.

Stop looking back. Stop believing the lies, stop surrendering to fear and all the other ugly stuff fear brings with it.

Time to surrender to something that actually makes us free and full of joy and peace- for me that is Jesus. And boy am I thankful He has been patient with me and allowed my journey to keep going, and been beside me every messy step of the way!

Every time I breathed into those paper bags or collapsed on the floor or spent hours on WEBMD or actually in the ER for “mysterious illness”…every time I didn’t believe God had anything good for me…every time I denied His truth and accepted fear as my God instead…

He was still there for every second of it all, and He still is there with me, healing me in all these ways I flat out used to tell Him were impossible.

Thank you God for not listening to me haha, Seriously just thank you so much for not letting me have that much power and for not giving up on this stubborn child of yours!

There is a lot more possible you all.

We all have our battles, but let’s go into them fighting for the right things, life- real life is worth fighting for.

Do not lose heart. Keep going, freedom is SO available for you. Nothing is impossible.

Love,

Stossi