#and i dont know how to move past it right now
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This still doesn't seem real.
#going to write in the tags#i didnt think this would hit me this hard#i adore one direction with my whole heart#but i wasn't a big Liam fan#i got in to the boys after 1D and his solo stuff is not really my thing#ive cried for almost 24 hours now#and i dont know how to move past it right now#this has hit me so hard#i was clowning about new harry music on tuesday#And now i cant even think about that#i cant even begin to comprehend what the family and the boys are going through#i just keep crying#i think its stopped and then it just all floods back
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#just make your own things away from#-endos if you hate us so much#endos/proendos: if antis want their own stuff and spaces away from us then they should make those things#anti endos: *creating atlasduo and the syspunk tag*#endos/proendos: i cant believe theyre actually doing that! wow! lets raid the tag and insult them for doing what we wanted them to!#i know this is a stretch but i cant help but feel reminded of how people would tell me to do things and then get mad at me for following-#-their exact instructions and taking them seriously. because apparently i wasnt supposed to actually do that. except now im not the victim-#-of that. and now the people who are on my side are doing that. i hate it. i hate it so much. dont say ONLY TO INVADE AND MOCK THE THINGS#also: congrats!! you are proving all of them right when they say we dont respect boundaries and crosstag!! you're making it worse!!#i can kind of understand the tag aspect simply because theyre calling themselves “punk” when theyre so fond of the psychiatric field.#but its still a dick move. and its even worse to say that if antis want versions of sp and pk that arent proendo they should make their own#-bot and app only to mock them for doing exactly that. it just reminds me too much of past experiences. i hate people that do that.#i dont care if they hate me at this point im with the anti endos on this one. and frankly im very disappointed that im actually saying this#lol.exe#blackout poetry#pro endo#endo safe#endo friendly#anti rq#radqueers fuck off#this is a new level of syscourse im yelling at my own community now
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breakups are so fucking weird. three years and just like that it's gone. huh
#helix.txt#gross i ended up spilling my guts in tags. look at them fucking writhing on the floor all bloody#dont rb please#vent#to quote fall out boy i knew it was over i just didn't know the date#yeah that's it. fall out boy can fix this.#i will feel better if i go listen to bang the doldrums#and infinity on high in general#and folie a deux. folie a fucking deux how i love that album#my chem will make me better. gerard way save me#god what a weird feeling. you used to know me better than any other person but then you moved hundreds of miles away and it worked#for a while. then two years later you said it wasnt working and that this was best for both of us. guess i never got the memo for that one#hope we treat other people better because i wasn't as kind as i should have been towards the end and you were never as thoughtful or con-#-siderate as i needed towards the end. we grew apart because you're bad at keeping contact over messaging#and in some ways the cracks in the foundation that grew from that were my fault too i guess. our conversations always felt one sided#maybe i was smothering you#you could never seem to keep more than a passing recollection of the things i liked or even pay much attention to them#but i wasn't great about that either#we just became different people. you weren't what i wanted or needed and you couldn't do long distance. whatever#i know it was the right thing i just wish it hadn't made me feel so damn awful#will we still talk after this? who knows. we didn't end on bad terms but things are definitely weird#and considering your track record with people you can only talk to online i'm not optimistic#you tried to break things off initially by saying you'd said you would improve in the past with nothing to show for it#something i didn't disagree with but i said it didn't bother me much. and it didn't#but it's complicated now. i did deserve better. but you made it clear i'm not getting it from you#you weren't as present or thoughtful as i needed#i wasn't there in person the way you needed and certainly not as considerate as i should have been. and for that second part i'm truly sorr#anyways. sorry. i'd been thinking about it for a long time anyway. i didn't want to admit it because i didn't like to think#about what it might bring. maybe i should have been braver#right. that's enough
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my birthday week is like a fight for my fucking life.
#like i dont like my birthday bc i dont like attention and also bc the fact i am still alive when i never planned to be is so heavy#which makes it feel like all of a sudden i have a timer and i need to kiilllmyself#but mostly. The biggest issue is i think of my exbest friend bc it was our week always even if they treated me horrible#and i would just go along with whatever they wanted even if i hated it and i just think about them think about them think about them#and i dont want them in my life but i will talk myself into missing them#and feel guilty like its my fault like i deserved everything they did to me like i should never be allowed to move past it#and then i get so embarassed over how i let them rule my life and ruin so much for me and made me break away from people i care about#but then its like im so lonely at least they were always there even if they hated me#even if they wanted me to be so miserable even if they just wanted to know they would always have someone to push around#And i still have trouble when it comes to food im still scared of opening up to people im still scared of my friends of buying new clothes#somehow everything they said to and about me was true even though none of it is and it hurt me and ruined so much#but i must have deserved it. they were supposed to know me best. and i never have known myself#so everything they had said about me has been true for so long.#every time i have the thought that i miss them i think i need to crash my car#every year it gets better every week it is easier but its been so bad recently its been so bad i feel like pieces of me are falling apart#i dont want to manifest this year it being bad bc its just starting to get easier after my total depressive state but god#im looking at are they made for me years ago and i want to rip it apart but i cant every time i try i almost throw up.#i think im going to throw up right now.#deeply pathetic.#news with isaac
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very very personal, just insight into where im at w my family and things that bother me/have encouraged me to move out
"i know youre moving out so im just gonna say no ones kicking you out and if you feel like this is something you have to do then ok"
thanks! i know im not being kicked out! but yknow i kinda yet a weird vibe when your out of touch husband takes me to a cemetery to yell at me, tell me im just like my father/dont give my father "the time of day", and that im "mean to people who care about me" in front of his dead mother's grave in a poor attempt at guilting me out of speaking my mind. but no yeah thanks for stating the fucking obvious that im leaving on my own terms
#problems!#people seem to underestimate how quick i am to make moves#the job market is piss. cant believe yall two would blame me for being unemployed when all i do from rise to slumber is hound ppl for jobs#im not going to stay in a house where i will be 'scared straight'. that shit doesnt work on me. in fact it has the opposite effect#i respect yall even LESS now#and youre so so fucking lucky one of my goals for next year is to make things right with you it would be easy to cut you off forever#same way i did with my abusive transphobic dad.#my mom is someone i know can do better and can actually listen to reason instead of being stuck in her generation's mentality of#'x is easy if you just do y. you kids have it so easy the world is at your fingertips' blah blah fucking blah#i am autistic i do not keep jobs easily. i am trans jobs do not want me. i am black and perceived as a woman. every customer at all of my#past jobs thinks i am rude or mean or have an attitude when i do nothing but treat others the exact way i would want to be treated#customers dont like what i say? i stop talking. customers dont like when i dont talk? i talk to them. rinse repeat#like i know im the problem here but all of my problems circle back to my autism and the fact that because im not a supergenius or#someone whose special interest is capitalism i fail at every avenue i try to jam myself in.#but yeah no i need to work harder i need to be taken to a FUCKING CEMETERY and yelled at by YOUR HUSBAND for wanting to go to the bathroom#in front of his mothers grave. god rest her soul and yall know im no christian so i actually mean that shit#because in his mind all i want to do is smoke and party. when i smoke because i have fucking migraines and g to shows#(two out of three of them being free and for the purpose of their willingness to 'get me out of the house')#bc i like music and i like engaging w my scene. but no its all violent noise theres no actual purpose or activism behind moshing. nope#its just one big party right. im just wasting my time right. because i like sleepin on a couch every night with no doors to close. yep ok#anyway heres to me getting my meds getting the fuck out and being somewhat far from my scene now that im moving#hows that for smoking and partying all the time huh?#if any of yall read this i am so so sorry. bitching about my stepdad will become a thing i think#hes one of those bible thumpers that are totally boring and indifferent to differences around them and thinks my mom is just like him#in some ways? she is. but she is a people pleaser and will never take her wants or her feelings seriously#because she had the unfortunate upbringing in being brainwashed into thinking her feelings/wants are sinful#shoutout to my christian or catholic mutuals who are fucking normal and dont let some old fantasy novel control your life. peace#religion mention
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ok finished fionna and cake that was fucking awesome and if there are no scarab adventure time fans i am no longer of the earth. ok?
#null havoc damage#saw someone call it underwhelming so i went and watched the finale. that was not underwhelming. i am whelmed#i thought it was really good. i was talking abt this in my channel earlier but i love adventure time and my favorite thing#about it is how the characters are held accountable for their actions but it doesnt stop them from being able to move on#i love that everyone gets to have a happy ending. they dont get to escape their past but they do get to go on despite it#its not a 'there is no hope' story and its not a 'you can escape from anything' story its a#'there is hope despite everything' story. its a 'the world will keep turning no matter what' story. its a story about how life is worth it#and i love it. i love that#i know people were going crazy about simon and betty but i honestly like it better that simon and betty didnt get together at the end#like i think it was perfectly right. i think theyre better off like that. they were in love and then things happened and now theyre apart#and its not wrong that they were in love just like its not wrong that theyre not together now#i liked the casper and nova section. IDK I THINK IT WAS A GOOD SHOW I LIKED IT A LOT. I LOVE U ADVENTURE TIME I LOVE U FIONNA AND CAKE
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Vent under the cut and in the tags
Sometimes it feels like it's never gonna be ok. And I don't know what to do.
#vent#sorry im just#why did my family feel the need to traumatize me?#and how can i possibly move past that betrayal?#like at the end of the day i still love my family. right.#and the worst part is they seem to know exactly what they did and how it impacted me#i couldnt see it until 2 years after i moved out#i just. like i wish i hadnt had to live in so much pain#and now any time i remember anything its wrapped in pain and i hate remembering stuff because of it#which is a problem because my memory is really good and i remember things constantly#idunno. i just want it to stop#i dont even think an apology from my family will do anything at this point because the shit already happened#i already lost my formative years to trauma and now. i just gotta deal with it.#but surprise! nobody ever taught me how to deal with this shit#so hefe i am avoiding it as usual#it just makes it worse but i dont know what esle i could possibly do#anyways sorry rant over#feel free to reply but dont reblog thx ✌️
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much to think about.
#i had lunch w my sister today and she was talking abt our dad and abt how him being like emotionally abusive made her a huge people pleaser#and she was like yeah i think you didnt get that as much#you were always the one who stuck to your guns or just didnt talk to him#and at first i was like what bc i literally dont think anything i ever did could be rlly described as actually sticking to ones guns i alwa#felt like i was so avoidant of any conflict w him bc yk i was like. terrified of him. but i was thinking abt it and compared to her i think#like yeah actually shes right? bc i would avoid conflict w him but i did that by like fully cutting off our relationship as much as#possible and she did it by trying to please him all the time. which probably neither were that healthy obviously they were jsut like. our#instincts for how to protect ourselves yk. but the thing is for the past few months i thought i had been learning how to not be so scared#of making ppl mad and to be more assertive and stuff. but i think actually i probably have always had that strength maybe it was just.#kinda beaten down for a while since standing up for myself always made things worse. so the other option to not allow him to treat me like#that was to cut myself off from him. But i still did that yk? idk.#like i was thinking more abt it and#i was the one who left the church at 18. after i moved out but i did. and i didnt hide it after that. my sister has apparently been mentall#out for years now and nobody in our family knows but me. bc she is so scared to disappoint him. and like idk. i always was like why couldnt#i get out earlier bc i know so many ppl who just said fuck you im not going anymore at like 14 or smth and i was like why couldnt i do that#but i guess looking at it from my sisters pov our situation was just really fucking hard. and i guess im realizing i was honestly a lot#stronger and braver than i thought i was that whole time. idk.#lol its like bittersweet. bc it makes it so much more real that it was actually super fucked up. the way we grew up. like i think sometimes#the easiest thing is for me to go haha yeah my dad was kind of a dick and whooaaahhh so crazy i grew up mormon hahah! but its like no that#was fucked up. but look at how i made it through that yk. its kind of making me. idk. develop some more respect for myself i guess#idk idk#ignore me i am just journal posting . lol#exmo tag
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whatevers going on with vsynth twitter right now i feel like staying away from it ! i'm just excited for my utaus to be in a couple upcoming medleys... that's all...
#i got a notif for a tweet that was like “lol dreamtonics announcing kid vbs at the time of this drama is so yikes”#but considering this situation is a few days old only i kind of dont know if dt's marketing people were even aware#plus in the grand scheme of things this situation isnt mega big enough i think#if its not crossing any language barriers maybe its unreasonable to expect dt staff to know whats going on#regardless it just seems like unfortunate timing but its doesnt really look like itll harm how the new vbs will sell#actually im personally excited for them#because WOW dreamtonics vocals that DONT sound like generic pop vocals? im listening#the conversation about how child vocals are used is one to be had for sure though#but the state of vocal synth right now has kind of moved past the weird weeb stage so i don't think we have to worry too much#i'm happy that many of us have moved on to more meaningful creative pursuits with the medium#instead of “haha oliver singing about something innapropriate”#^although that can also be executed well really depending on the themes
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I'm. Overwhelmed
#i have too many blogs i think i need to cut down a Lot#im thinking make my general multi again#and cut down to kurt/jase/pearl ridge and Very low activity multi#having ben/jackie is super fun i love them and yj currently airing adds so much muse but i. i dont have time#and starting new blogs is. hard and i dont know how to. start things#i love ben and i want to write ben but i dont know what to write. or how to write. does that make sense#I'd move kurt and jase to the multi but in the past that has#not worked out they just. they have too much lore for a multi i think and it overwhelms people or they dont care enough to read it#which like. to be fair still happens a lot on jasons solo blog#idk i just. i have had a Lot of muse and desire to write and plot lately for all my muses but. something is. something doesnt click#and actually writing on here is just. not possible for some reason#something about tumblr is#its too much right now#which is weird bc like i dont. i dont have anything really going on its school holidays rn#but somehow theres just. im constantly overwhelmed and being here usually helps but it hasn't lately#i feel like. has the energy on tumblr shifted over the past few months#it feels like it has#like community wise?#like i dont think the new editor is to blame i prefer the new editor#i dont know. i don't know#something is different#and i don't like it
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mom is bitching at me how i need to wear short sleeves TOMORROW, and just get over it
#‘you NEED to wear them tomorrow’ or what.#youre gonna take my phone away? im just AnXioUs and need to get the fuck over it?#woman youre lucky i dont fucking take my car and leave. youre lucky i don’t disappear without a trace.#‘we love you and dont care and dont judge!’ i understand that. i do.#but sometimes that just doesnt matter. you can say that to me all you want and ill always have a voice saying otherwise!#i cant just get over this hump. i dont know how to explain it to you but i just cant. its not that simple.#i cant just.. get up and get moving like you want me to. i dont know how to tell you that im absolutely fucking exhausted.#‘youve been taking a break for 6 weeks now’ and? i worked my ASS OFF. FOR 5 FUCKING YEARS STRAIGHT. I DESERVE A BREAK!#IVE EARNED A GODDAMN BREAK. IVE EARNED A FUCKING SUMMER OFF. THIS IS MY FIRST SUMMER OFF IN 5 GODDAMN YEARS WOMAN#i dont care if you think im being lazy. im sorry i dont work the same fucking way you do! but thats a you issue!#‘you need to get your life together’ WELL I DONT WANT TO! I DONT WANT TO RIGHT NOW! I WANNA BE A STUPID COUCH BUM!#i basically just learned that EVERYTHING. I WORKED FOR! IS USELESS! i pushed myself to the edge a constant amount of times over the past 5-#years for NOTHING. because i am incapable of doing anything without someone telling me to or holding my hand.#how do you expect me to know what to do with my fucking life when the life i thought i always had was just shattered?#ive trailed off my planned path! i didnt plan for this! i never thought it could happen! i thought id be PERFECT!#imagine being told your entire life how smart and capable you are only to fail right as someone isnt holding your hand anymore.#just#whatever man. if i dont wanna wear short sleeves i wont. if i dont wanna go outside i wont.#i didnt want to interact with the world anyways. especially after finding out that i dont fit in whatsoever.
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god i am so sad. just like a rly deep sadness that has settled inside my chest. my default is always numbness and never sadness so this is weird
#max.txt#i am trying so very hard to not be sad though. for my own sanity#but the sadness is forever. at least right now#life is just tragic and i am so sad about it and i cant fathom ever not being sad again#not even in a clinical depression way just like how do you move on#i distracted myself with jumping to bat for 2 friends who were#deeply horrifically wronged#but it just kinda masked the sadness and im also sad For them#and also for my neighbor and for myself and for the future and the past#is this what sorrow feels like. am i. experiencing sorrow#i think i am experiencing sorrow#last year this wouldve killed me so sorrow is an improvement i think#i have gained resilience this year#but sorrow still sucks and i dont know how to feel anything else#other than the most profound devastating sadness i have ever experienced
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vent tw, if you have depression please please just dont interact-
#ok so. to preface this for anyone with depression going past this point. im not gonna be nice. this isnt about you#this isnt about you in particular or how your secretly constantly a burden to everyone you love or how you just cant get it right#its not about having to deal with a person with depression but more how the social climate has made it so its so hard to deal with every#thing. thats all. if you read more do not blame me for feeling bad.#that was your only and last warning#okay so! now that hopefully all my homies with depression out there are ok- it is hard being surrounded by people with depression#sorry like. i am the only one in my imediate family without depression. and its. its hard a lot#like i care so much about these people and yet i cant help them because their either sad or tired or angry or numb most of the time#and i cant do anything. i cant do anything at all. and thats fucked!!!!! i think. sorry i am not one for curing mental illness but i really#really wish there was just a cure for depression so the people i care about could be happy and have energy and be ok#i dont want to constantly worry in the back of my head if what ill say next will lead them to going quiet and sad#or worry about how a few too many wrong moves and a hard time could push them off the edge. i know it wont happen.#but i worry about it constantly especially with the political climate#and i care for them so much and i just wish they could feel happy most of the time. just more than half is enough. more than half#gosh its gotten to the point a sertain tone of voice or someone saying their tired can make me feel bad#like bad enough i need to leave the room and go cry. everyone is alwase tired and i dont know what to do#i feel like a little kid being so sensitive by others emotions- but i cant help it. i cant help it when im surrounded#again this isnt a bash against anyone with depression. this is a bash against depression because of all the pain its given my loved ones#if i could fight depression as a just. thing i would mawl it alive. tooth and nail til all that was left was either bones. cartalige.#blood and flesh that hadent somehow made it into my stomach. and id keep it alive for a long as i could as i killed it#it would suffer 10 times the amount its made others suffer if i could. i can be a cruel bitch and i will if i ever got the chance.#and u h ya! sorry lil bit of silly moment i am just. sick of the tired. if i could id honestly never hear the phrase im tired again
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why havent i been talking to the much much cooler and better older sister who is a furry and super nice and fun to talk to and cares about my opinions and feelings instead of the one who cant respect boundaries and makes me feel like a mistake and doesnt care abt how i feel
#the bin#shes also the only normal person in my family#and when i say normal i mean it in a treats other people with respect way not in a societally normal way#cause she the least 'normal' of my family in that way. which is a good thing. be a freak. autism makes u cooler by default#idk. she sthe only person who i feel like actually cares about me and my opinion and wants to hear what i have to say and views me right#i wish we talked more when i was younger. shes so nice. i hope when i move we can houngout together more and maybe watch some movies#and talk abt stuff or smth. we r probably gonna play some games together soon which is nice#i miss her. i think i can also talk to her abt how our other sister kinda sucks. i know she views her pretty highly or at least used to but#i still think i can. i dont think itll make her uncomfortable.#ive been looking over the past years with my other sister and they havent really been any good mostly#ive just been so isolated and sad that it was better than nothing but its past that point now#if id had other people to talk to then i wouodnt have soent so much time with someone making me feel worse#i also think shes just made me a worse person overall. more judgemental. the past year ive become very against that trying hard to not#and she gets very upset with me when im like hey. yknow. id rather assume the best of random strangers not doing anything that bad#i dont wanna assume everyone is an inconsiderate asshole because they arent. life circumstances we dont know about could be#the reason for this honestly pretty mild inconvenience. if u wanna think otherwise then thats fine but dont day it around me#idk. im tired of it. im still super sad but ive become a much more bright and hopeful person because im trying to be#it actually sucks to view the whole world as horrible and everyone around you ass horrible#idk. maybe i can get my other sister to do the fun stuff with me i dont like doing alone#cause it makes me unbelievably sad to realize i dont have anyone to ask anymore at all. period. but maybe it doesnt have to be that way
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adding onto this with developed thoughts
I do largely think the processing he has done is about the leg, and not his relationship with Ed, and that he's conflating one with the other, acting like because he's 'fine' now with having lost his leg, that also means he's fine with it being Ed who did it to him.
I don't think his relationship with Ed is in any way fixed because of this (I think the fact that they have very specifically not had a single conversation, not been in a single shot together since is a huge signifier of that) its more that this one (very large) aspect is something Izzy has managed to put into the past with the help of the crew.
I think Izzy's known Ed long enough to not be expecting any further apologies (past his non specific non apology to the crew) and knows from here on out he needs to deal with his feelings on his own, needs to learn to move on and move past if he wants to stay here (and oh, he wants to stay here now)
Izzy's been cleaning up Ed's messes for so long, its a hard habit to kick- what's one more? what's one more when its him?
i think the reason izzy can be so blasé about his relationship with ed is not because hes taken to blaming a shark instead, but because hes actually already done a lot of the processing in the previous episode.
hes mourned his leg, hes had his drunk crying rants. hes gone through the five stages of grief. and then? the crew reaches out to him, offers him their support. they make him a new leg, they nominate him their new figurehead. when he stands there on the prow of the ship, leg on, letter in hand, thats his acceptance, thats his moving on.
#please everyone tell me how wrong i was with these in a few hours#some of this is just. the text but hjbgjh#if it feels disconnected from the first part its because it kinda is. i dont disagree with that but i do think izzys missing the picture#and the longer ive sat on the episode the more i feel like. some pieces are still missing#i cut this bit because it didnt fit in great here but a little continuation:#so. He tells lucius a lie to help him move on. because izzys moved on. hes moved on- right?#i dont think it ends here. i think that izzys fine; for now. theyre avoiding each other. they cant exactly sneak anymore; so its not hard#izzy avoids ed and they pretend its fine. and it is! while the dont see each other.#its really easy to pretend youve finished processing and moved on while you dont have to look him in the eye#while theres no way he can touch you again; no way he can hurt you.#but they cant avoid each other forever and i do think theres gonna be some kind of reckoning when they have to deal with that.#i still want to believe izzys gonna be the key to eds proper redemption arc.#i know in my heart they have more confrontations to have to move past this.#i still stand by that izzy shouldnt forgive ed.#that they can move on and make something new but when all is said and done these events will always sit between them.#ofmd#ofmd s2 spoilers#i just. i dont know im not good with things like this. i think izzy Thinks hes done processing everything yknow?#and hes gonna learn he hasnt- maybe in a big way?#and also its a trauma thing isnt it? ed doesnt remember a lot of what he did; izzy deflects the blame to cope with his reality#and i mean. if thats what keeps you going
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hm.
#delete later#had for various reasons a huge anxiety attack yesterday and kept digging my nails into one of my thumbs in#what i should probably admit is self harm#uh#self harm tw#and i didnt bleed like i had wanted to at the time but i did still manage to fuck up my skin there and#now here i am with Consequences of My Actions and trying to do what i need to do today is very daunting when my thumb hurts like this#its been rough since yesterday when the anxiety attack happened. i've slept like. 12 hours and still feel alternately tired and stressed#i just. ugh. one moment youre going to an art museum and then before you know it youre sobbing in the museum bathroom#having done sth you said you'd never do again Years ago. and yeah it wasnt as serious an action as it had been years ago#(which. if we're being honest. the fact it wasnt 'as serious' and could be passed off as not being a conscious action is part of#why i didn't stop myself sooner)#but it still hurts and it still feels like such a loss of progress and healing i've done for so long#and now we're pretending everything is Fine cause i dont want to upset my roommate with this or make them like. feel guilty or anything#and i want to move past how last night went for me and how awful my first trip to that museum was and guess what#my stupid actions means my thumb is right there hurting and reminding me of everything that went wrong.#anyway. i think the next museum trip i make will be made on my own#samantha talks
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