#and i don't even LIKE taking days off bc i like my job
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I went back to rewatch the guy's (Frostbyte Freeman on yt, btw) video - more specifically, the part where he talks about Whitepine - to see if I'd misinterpreted anything, taken his words out of context in a bout of misdirected anger and a sense of offense at his opinion, had completely missed the point by nitpicking some obscenely specific issue as a gotcha! moment, anything, really. It feels bizarrely weird, I guess, to be so hung up on this random dude's words, vague-posting about it on a platform I'm not entirely sure he's even on or not (it's a toss-up, really) and going slightly off the rails in anger at his (perceived, of course) stupidity; so, I went back to hear his opinion on the series again, especially when in contrast to the other two. Kinda to say one last thing, and then let the topic die. The thing is, he never spoke of Whitepine's story - it was always the artistic intention, the clear love put behind its creation, the color palette, the cinematography. Never the story. Which, y'know, you'd expect would be the point of discussing minecraft storytelling? And he hides behind calling the process of explaining Whitepine and its nuances as "doing it a disservice" - well, I don't give a fuck about "doing it a disservice", because if you're doing a video essay on the fucking topic of minecraft STORYTELLING you better be ready to talk about the fucking STORY, GENIUS; so, what's Whitepine's story? ... Kinda hard to say. The wiki says it is: "a minecraft series developed by IvoryTV and posted on YouTube, where a newly hired maid is tasked with taking care of the members of the Hemlocke Family and to prioritize their every need. However, what was suppose to be a normal job turned disastrous as the maid's next day was struck by the tragedy of a murder case in the Whitepine Estate." Which is true, the story is a period drama and a murder mystery - Frosty over here decides to use different words, however:
"Whitepine is a 2024 period drama serial written and directed by IvoryTV. It is the story of a mysterious young woman (maid) assigned to work for a wealthy manor that is, if not literally, then figuratively haunted by shadows of the past - hers, and everyone else's."
Personally I find that interesting cuz like, while it's implied that's the case (in terms of the "shadows of the past" comment) I have no idea where in the fuck he got that from - except maybe he came up with it?? He's SO wordy oh my god, half the time I didn't get what tf he was talking about. My point is: he could've used the official description, he could've omitted mentioning the murder if he was OH SO INSISTENT on not spoiling anything, yet instead uses a description that puts more emphasis on aspects of the series BARELY EVEN EXPLORED RIGHT NOW instead of on the oh idk FUCKING MURDER???? He goes around willy-nilly speaking of certain aspects of the story while willfully concealing others in the name of "not spoiling the experience".
And my biggest problem with the inclusion of Whitepine as one of the three different stories he wanted to comment on, is the fact that Whitepine is barely starting - it doesn't have enough of anything right now to call a story beyond the first foundations of it, and no matter how pretty it looks or how beautiful the songs are, if your story has no, well, story then it doesn't matter. It's empty. I don't say this as a critique to the series itself - again, barely starting; I don't like punching under the belt - but more as a critique to the tunnel vision that Frosty was exhibiting as he wrote the script out; doesn't it make you wonder if, at ANY POINT of his video creating process, he read over the Whitepine section and thought "hm. is it appropriate to talk about a series with only 2 episodes (as of making that video) and not a lot of story, bc I think it's pretty?" cuz I sure as all hell wished he did
I just. what was the point? Whitepine doesn't have enough story right now to be thrown into an analysis with stories like Unstable Universe (which is WELL underway) and Parkour Civilization (which is LITERALLY FINISHED), and do it justice - it has its character moments and beautiful music, it has its great cinematography and intriguing mystery, but story? No. Not right now. And it's just because it was started a few months ago - I'm sure that in time it's gonna be the next best story that has ever been recorded in Minecraft, no doubt. But until that happens: if I ever see this guy on the street I'm giving him the london treatmen, if you will /j
Also just finished watching a video that made me ACTUALLY ANNOYED at the guy who made it and like. ok if you don't want a story told through Minecraft that is made through the lens of content creation in ANY capacity then don't??? watch stories told through Minecraft????? Cuz like. they're mostly like that; even parkciv which is still good IS done through a content creation viewpoint — either as a parody on the medium it was being told through (scripted Minecraft content/Minecraft storytelling) or just as a result of telling the story and like. needing to pay the bills or whatever is a bit up in the air I guess BUT STILL. don't sing praises to a series that's GREAT in all cinematography aspects that JUST SO HAPPENS to be told through Minecraft all the while you're saying "oooh Minecraft storytelling shouldn't be scared of being called cringe just bc it's embracing roleplay to tell it's narrative, it shouldn't pretend to be non-scripted when it so clearly is" which true, JUST TO THEN critique parkciv for...
*checks notes*
... Embracing its medium AND its limitations to tell its story, JUST bc it didn't necessarily strive to be groundbreaking??? What??????
From what I understand, the series the guy was singing praises to like it was his own child at the local school's dance recital, Whitepine (which I'm currently watching so I'll just come back to this once I've finished — let's see if I'll eat my words [doubt it]) is GREAT in terms of visuals, audio and the likes — it obviously takes great care in forming its atmosphere and from the little I've seen the youtubers are genuinely being actors, not just their normal selves masquerading as characters (something that, admittedly, happens A LOT in scripted Minecraft content/Minecraft storytelling like SMPs or solo series [I'm looking at you, later half of the DSMP]). But it isn't Minecraft storytelling — in my opinion, at least.
Minecraft storytelling implies that it includes Minecraft and its mechanics in some way, shape or form that becomes impactful to the story that is being told — it isn't just a REALLY good story that just so happens to use Minecraft as its movie set. This, ultimately, is why I think the guy was wrong — not necessarily in the idea that the stories he critiqued had more room to grow (which parkciv at least does. I haven't watched ParrotX2's Unstable Universe videos and I don't really plan to; they're not my thing) but in what "Minecraft storytelling" should strive to be.
I have a vivid memory — trust me, this is related — of when I was younger (they say, like she's an octogenarian instead of not even being halfway through his lifetime. anyway) having played Minecraft Murder Mystery with my friends in the playground bc I really REALLY liked Gona89's video series on it. This is like, not really the same storytelling but they did have a sort of story — the chemistry between the youtubers felt like watching a series of characters interact with one another, and certain jokes from one video would seamlessly move into the next as well.
And y'know what? IT DIDN'T FUCKING WORK — playing the thing in the playground, that is. Because the thing wasn't made for that; stories have their medium of expression because they're tailored to it, or the medium is tailored to that story — if your Minecraft story can be told perfectly fine when divorced from its primary medium of expression (Minecraft), then it's LITERALLY not a Minecraft story: it just happens to use the game as the backdrop
... Kinda like The Lego Movie: a lot of the mechanics within the movie CANNOT be divorced from lego that easily BECAUSE it's a fucking LEGO MOVIE — partially related but not really the point of this rant: this is why A Minecraft Movie's trailer fucking FLOPPED. It showed absolutely NO POINT in being made bc it's NOT a Minecraft movie (pun accidentally stumbled upon but I shall confidently roll with it, actually), instead it JUST SO HAPPEN to use the videogame as its set.
TLDR: IF YOUR STORY DOESN'T INCLUDE MECHANICAL ELEMENTS THAT ARE INTRINSICAL TO THE GAME YOU USE TO TELL IT, THEN SAID GAME IS JUST THE FUCKING SET. IT'S NOT A MINECRAFT MOVIE JUST BC IT HAPPENS TO BE RECORDED IN MINECRAFT FOR FUCK'S SAKE
#like#idk man#in my opinion throwing whitepine in with other stories that have actually had the time to express themselves#and THEN comparing them all together IS the real disservice to whitepine#but ok i guess#what do i know#im not a pretentious movie guy anyway#right?#anyway#demon rambles™#yea yea#i need to go touch grass. whatever#idc I'm just mad rn#UGH i find that guy out in public and I'm STRANGLING HIM#blowing him up with my mind#pretentious ass
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going to nola in a couple months to expunge the stupid hoard of pto i have (cheapest week for flights of the year too! and it didn't affect either me or my fiance's work's busy time)
bc of my roll over next year i'm gonna have 5 weeks.......oops? i'm going to have to spend 4 weeks of it next year
#personal#I WAS FREELANCE I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE HAVING THIS MUCH PTO#i didn't use most my first year bc like... covid#so i took one day off to wait on line for the rose and one day off for two doctors visits and a band concert all in one day#and then this year i had soooo fucking much cause they let us roll over 10 days cause of covid#and i don't even LIKE taking days off bc i like my job#if i'm sick i'd rather not bed rot...i'll request a wfh day swap#or request to wfh for a week with the flu and work from my bed on my laptop#and i'm just rolling over those 10 days AGAIN????#we were planning on doing our honeymoon in spring not fall bc of japan weather#buuuuut i guess it may be best to take 3 week honeymoon in november instead of waiting bc of my#pito hoard........cause it's probably the best way to fully sort out the situation of the infinite two week carry over#my fiance only gets three weeks..... i'm not doing less than three weeks in any asian country#bc like.... flight cost but also with my roll over i get two weeks more pto than him lol#so i gotta find something to do with those two weeks that isn't just rotting in bed
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#these past two weeks have been so intense that ive just.. not spoken about it once i got home from work#blocked it all out#my beloved colleague whose desk is next to mine has cancer#breast and uterus. she needs two major surgeries#they just diagnosed her two weeks ago#so we've been trying to deal with that as colleagues and friends#because we love and miss her and i am so deeply sad as well#but i feel like i couldn't process that at all bc two days after the news of her diagnosis i was asked to take on half of her work#on top of my fulltime#which i agreed to do bc i like her tasks and i want to help her and i also know i can do it#but it does feel very off bc i know i don't earn enough money for this workload to be long term and it is def like this#for the coming four months at least#so i did tell my manager that i would like a raise and. that bitch told me to BUY MORE SECOND HAND SHIT.#i seriously thought i saw my life flash before my eyes#then the day after she asked one of my colleagues who's been with the firm for over 30 years whether she was looking for another job maybe?#which caused that colleague to instantly go home in tears and be home from basically a nervous breakdown the past 1.5 week#which is her full right and i support her with all my heart but bc my management sucks it meant that we had to also carry her tasks ofc#i felt soooo spread thin and super super angry actually but i didn't even realise how angry i was until last thursday my colleague w cancer#came by the office. and talked about all of it. and i suddenly realised how sad i was but then also how angry#but i was just blocking it all out trying to stay afloat#bc we told her about what the manager had said and she said “i hope that i get the chance to really tell her how it is someday.”#“because the stress she causes with people can actually kill you. just look at me.”#and the rest of the day i felt so ready to be done with everything actually#but seeing her anger made me see my own anger#and released me of my own pent up emotions bc i had actual leg pains this week and it was purely psychosomatic#i then managed to tell some friends yesterday about what was going on and their outrage spurred me on even more#so today i emailed hr. demanding a raise#doing this amount of work while constantly feeling like the house is on fire while also struggling financially seriously makes me suicidal#and i am not joking#so.. if nothing comes of that im leaving that job and not looking back
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lmaooooooo
#so microsoft outage means our remote system for work is bugging out#and we were told by our bosses 10 MINUTES before logging in and told you have to use vacation time or come in and work a full 7 hour day#like fuck you for telling me 10 min before the day starts and it takes me an hour to get into work#and some people's computers could be restarted in office and all would work but ohhhHHHHHhH not mine of course#so the ppl that were in office anyway are mostly loafing anyway and luckily getting paid without using benefit time#but fuck meeee#god i'm bitter#like i need to leave this job but my husband is looking at jobs elsewhere and we're moving whereever he gets one#bc i need some time to reconsider what damn job i even want#so i don't want to look where we live now bc we're just gonna be leaving#but mannnn oh mannnnn this place pisses me off#ok rant over if i'm going to have to take a vacation day for unfun reasons i'm going to make it fun and play the hell out of inquisition#katie.txt#and i get 1 wfh day per week and ofc it was today this shit fucked up!!!
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send help. it's supposed to be 91 degrees tomorrow. on my day off :(
#a sock speaks#work tag#food tag#it was high 80s today but I didn't even notice bc the air conditioner at restaurant job is punishingly high powered#I was wearing my long sleeved undershirt and leggings without any discomfort#but I have to run errands tomorrow and my car has no AC. the house also has no AC but is okayish at staying cool.#I wanted to make pizza today but didn't have time. might be too hot for pizza tomorrow :( but my ingredients are aging in the fridge#I finally got a paycheck but it's for the 2nd period I worked. I'm missing the first one and need to talk with the regional manager#and he's only in on Thursdays#also gotta request a day off to go to Portland with my cousin in 2 weeks#also gotta request off for orchestra which also starts in 2 weeks#also my aunt is trying to recruit me for a caregiving job and I'd have to take 3 weeks off to get trained#it'd be super easy to schedule both jobs once I'm trained but the training is a big time commitment#also restaurant job scheduled me for all graveyard shifts this week. if I can't adjust my sleep schedule I'll have to give a firm no on it#also gotta go to the bank to deposit my check and. uh. all of August's tips (terrifying)#also gotta call a vital records office in Maine about my mom's birth certificate bc we're trying to take her to Canada for her birthday#I don't think we have enough time but my sister wants to do it#also I want to finish knitting this sock that I started in June. I just have the toe left#also I finally confirmed the color and pattern for a baby blanket I'm preparing as a gift so I gotta get yarn#also I need to buy blackout curtains to fit my windows so I can sleep in the day if I work nights#also sometime this week my sister is cleaning the church. I want to go with her so I have an excuse to get ice cream from a shop nearby#also I need to clean my room and I should hang up the art prints & postcards I've been collecting for months#most of them are green to match my decor but some are just characters or scenes I like#oh! I also owe a postcard to a school friend#I had caffeine for the first time in several days and my brain is buzzing. there's so much I want to do and I have time to do it#and I'm excited about it!
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hell day today and i'm only two hours into my EIGHT HOUR SHIFT
#9 to 5 by dolly parton starts playing in the background..#literally had to open up shop alone 2day and also was entirely alone for the first 45 min. of my shift so that was already a negative start#to the day + i heard that i can't have my break later than two thirty which is very bad for me bc 1) there'll be a lot of ppl all around me#when i'm eating which i already dislike and 2) like 85% of ppl taking their break around that time are VERY noisy eaters so even worse and#then 3) it'll be really loud in the room as well bc everyone's talking loudly and eating and the cutlery's clanging against plates and such#and also some ppl have actual full-blown arguments with each other in the break room bc half the ppl here hate each other's guts so more#negatives to the day and then on top of that we've had sooooo many annoying customers already today who r just. intent on making u stressed#out and upset and literally will tell u to your face to 'do your job better' like bro...i can easily tell you haven't worked in retail....#also someone hung their clothes on the rack outside the fitting rooms which is where u hang ur clothes when you're DONE fitting them & don'#want them bc they don't fit or don't sit right or u just don't rlly like them after all so if clothes are hanging there we the ppl working#there WILL take them and hang them back in their original places what did u expect to happen?? anyway someone hung the clothes they had#tried on already and did want there and i reached out to take them bc like. that's what we do here..we hang the clothes on the 'discard#rack' back in the store bc else the rack gets stuffed and the woman literally grabbed my arm and said 'those are mine what do u think you'r#doing' LIKE?????? GIRL THE RACK'S THERE FOR A REASONNNN ofc i'm going to assume u don't want them anymore if they're hanging there that's#why it's called the DISCARD rack....also how am i to know those specific clothes are yours HONESTLYYYYYY STFU AND GET OFF ME#ALSO some dude was like (to his child but like. looking at me while he said it.) 'this guy needs a haircut doesn't he' bc my hair is kinda#long and apparently i passed today. LIKE 1st of all kind of a rude thing to say to a stranger innit 2nd of all setting a great example to#your child there just casually commenting on other ppl's looks like that👍 3rd of all jokes on you you wouldn't consider me a guy if#you Knew most likely. thanks for that little zing of glee much obliged <3 but also man just piss off will you. 4th of all my hair isn't eve#that long....like the ends of it are just shy of my shoulders wdym LONG if u knew the long-haired guys i know you'd faint.#anyway. great start of the day. i still have six more hours to go 🥴#ALSO no surprise this always happens but my legs already hurt SOOOOOOOO BADDDDDD :(((((((((((#r.txt
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I was actually having a pretty good day until just now :/
#i reread and made notes for two solid hours! 15k of words!#i went for a walk and got ransom a toy and stocked up on chocolate (my excuse is that sometimes when i'm feeling awful eating a bit of#chocolate helps lol and this stuff was 50% off) and generally had a good walk!#and i had a bath. first bath of the season! and i read like hafl of out of hte silent planet while i was bathing and it was wonderful!#mum made the BEST ginger pudding today!#so like. i've had a great day today!#so many blessings!#and now i just feel awful because i ate something and i wanna throw up and i mustn't#been struggling more with dealin w eating lately too at times and in the last week have been deviating from what the dietitian's been#encouraging me (variety) bc i couldn't deal with it#but today was a good day! a great day! and now i feel terrible for no apparent reason#yay me :/#puddleglum hours#personal#incidentally am SO grateful for the job that requires me to wear short sleeves bc i know that by now i would've harmed deep enough to scar#on my arms as well if i hadn't had the knowledge that the next day id have to be at work w that. the reason this is coming up rn is#bc SURPRISE i rlly wanna harm#and i CAN'T my mother found my knife. honestly even having it htere whether or not i used it felt like it gave me an option even if i#didn't take it. it was a comfort. and now it feels awful not having it esp as idk when i'll get it back and also even worse my parents#litcherally gave me that knife for my last birthday. i don't know how mum feels about that#but yeah i just. i want to do smth drastic so bad#and i CAN'T#tw sh#i don't even know why#ugh
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bro it sucks so much to have to go to work when you're sick
#i dont wanna go but literally if i miss another day they could fire me 😬#i don't have covid at least according to the home tests but like. i still have a cold or something#and i can't call out because our time is so restricted#and its not even the worst attendance policy i know of but it still sucks to have to work around#esp coming from my last job where i could take off literally as much time as i needed to basically whenever i needed/wanted to#added on top of the fact that i just don't want to fuckin be there anyway#and that im scared im gonna pick up covid bc my immune system is currently weakened#ugh. i have to get through tomorrow and the next day#and then im off again#and then im on one more day before im back off again#so i will have a rest day again pretty soon at least#after being off the last three days#(the first was my legit day off but it was very busy and few days before that were the roughest of a tough couple of weeks -#the second i took off bc i had to babysit and. being completely honest. i watched all of fellow travelers thr night before. and esp after#how bad a time id been personally having lately. all the suffering and the loneliness and the romance just hit me so hard#tbh i just felt like i deserved a break and i could do some work at home to balance things out -#third day i woke up feeling sick and coughing pretty hard and just feeling generally miserable. which continued for most of the day.#but with less coughing until now bc im laying down)#i just wish i could take an extra day or two to actually kick this 😭#sorry this is so long i can get locquacious when im tired
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Just screamed so loud in my car that both my ears rang and a spider fell from the ceiling. My throat hurts.
#my pharmacy won't fill my meds AGAIN because some motherfucker decided to make a new policy that requires more instructions or something#i keep not getting my meds when I need them because every time i get a new script sent out (like one I haven't been on before) i hear...#...nothing back from the pharmacy; generally for days; and then when i call them (every 10 or 15 or 30 minutes for several hours) no...#...one picks up the goddamn phone and i have to make time to go in in person and ask the pharmacist when my meds will be ready.#and then they tell me 'oh yeah we HAVE the script from your doctor. we just need MORE INFORMATION and sent them an ELECTRONIC NOTE...#...(reminder that i live in fucking rural idaho so most people use a fucking phone and not 'an electronic note') and haven't heard back...#...from them yet so we're just waiting on that :)' and then i have to smile and thank them bc it isn't their fucking fault the policy is...#...some fucking bullshit and then i have to call my doctor on the phone (and can never reach them directly so i have to get a...#...receptionist to leave them a note that i HOPE they'll see in the next couple of days but sometimes they don't) and since i never have...#...an emergency it's often 2 or more weeks before anyone gets back to me. i usually have to call the pharmacy again. and then they don't...#...always answer and i usually have to go in and ask AGAIN why my meds aren't ready and they go 'oh we're still waiting on your doctor'...#...:) or 'they sent us a message back but it wasn't ENOUGH information and we sent them another ELECTRONIC NOTE that they won't see for...#...days or weeks so we recommend YOU call your doctor even though we're the ones flinging you around like a rag doll and you have 0...#...control over it. and by the way we're going to continue doing this for like a fucking year every time you get a new script. and when...#...your doctor asks you if the new meds are working you're going to have to say 'i have no fucking clue because it took 6 weeks to get...#...my goddamn prescription filled and it takes 3 months for the medication to show signs of working so my pharmacy wasted HALF of that...#...time sending electronic notes instead of filling my motherfucking prescription and i was supposed to be off these meds by summer...#...since they cause intense sunburn and shit and i have an OUTDOOR JOB NOW but my acne is still bad and hasn't gone away enough to stop...#...using the super intense stuff and my face hurts and swells and oozes and i have to wear a wide-brimmed hat and sunscreen EVERY time...#...i go outside because i can get a sunburn in 20 minutes now and i've been having heat rashes from the sun for the first time in my...#...LIFE and i have to fucking monitor myself every time i go outside and it's the warm season and i need a new pair of lighter work...#...pants but they don't sell above a size 18 for women even though men go up to like a size 45 which is like a size 24 or 26 in women's...#...and men's pants don't fit me bc i was blessed with the largest ass in the history of mankind' and i am so. fucking. tired.#of all the bullshit.#i feel miserable. my mom is buying me otc imodium bc i have NO IDEA when my prescription will come available. i just want the cramping...#...to stop. i've been having diarrhea all day every day since sunday. the cramps HURT and they keep me up at night. i haven't been...#...eating much bc there's so much shit moving around and hurting in my gut that i can't feel when i'm hungry and food doesn't soumd great.#so i'm weak and slow and tired and can't go to work and i'm using up all the sick days i was hoping to save up to visit my friend in...#...cyprus this winter. so that probably can't happen. but anyways. my mom came by while i was typing this out and i feel betterish.#personal
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only ate today because my wife's coworker bought her a Carl's Jr. meal for her (coworker's) birthday and we split that ✌🏻 love being too broke to exist love that for us ✌🏻✌🏻✌🏻
#who's fronting?#other#negative#I'll take 'not even able to get snap or tanf benefits because you don't have a mailing address' for 200 Alex#my mom said yesterday she'd send grocery money and then forgot and then when I reminded her she said she has to wait until the daytime bc#it's her husbands account and the dumb security code gets sent to his phone and he's out of town#I know I couldn't have even gone shopping until after my wife gets off work tomorrow but got dam#I'm just :) not meant to exist huh :)#I'm so close to letting valerie take over as host again bc like. this isn't getting fixed any time soon#I had an opportunity to set up a job interview for tomorrow but it looks like it's suck and I wussed the fuck out#I don't think my disabled body could be lifting 60lb bags of dog food for 8 hours at a time every day anyways#but it still gives me the same shameful sick feeling quitting the dog daycare did :(
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vent ii.
#so i guess i went over the tag limit and didn't realize so half of that vent post was cut off#cool cool#basically i said i think next year is gonna be a year of figuring shit out#probably not fixing anything but trying to figure out ways to make my life.. work better#i also really want to travel next year. because travel is the only thing that makes me feel sane and alive and happy#i already have a trip to amsterdam in the works to meet up with a bunch of online friends and i wanna make it work so bad#so i need to make sure i have enough money for that#but i also want to do a trip somewhere pretty that i haven't been like wales or scotland#or even a road trip somewhere in north america#but i cannot drive and so i can't go alone and also i like sharing my adventures with people#but i don't think anybody wants to travel with me so there's that#i need to figure out another way to make income apart from my shop bc i'm barely scraping by#and i WANT to do barn chores again#even tho it take a huge physical toll on my body i would rather do that than another job bc i can do things at my#own pace and i rarely have to interact with anyone and i can be around horses all day#but to do that i would have to move in with my mom and i don't think she wants me living there and idk how much she would charge me rent#it would also cause a lot of problems with my dad. he would be uspet and bitter and probably mad at me.#and would also try and convince me to stay like 'i'll drive you to the barn every week!' which would be 2+ hours of driving and#him driving me to work every day was part of why i had a breakdown and quit my last job bc he would cause so much anxiety#but my mom is literally surrounded by barns where she lives aND is on a bus route so#tbc
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starting to think something more than adhd may be wrong here
#been acting and feeling weird since i started meds. might take a week off them just to see? is this a good idea? theyre only 1 miligram#karinyo.txt#like obviously theres the ocd but im starting to think it may not even be adhd#either that or the meds and the weather are really fucking Getting to me#i mean idk. maybe it's just poor emotional regulation. it feels like thats been particularly bad since i started meds#been having moments where i just feel very strongly one way for a while. like im a little emotionally heightened#im good at not letting it interfere with the way i act toward people but i feel like Something is happening?#but like poor emotional regulation Is a symptom of adhd and ocd so i might be wrong#there are moments where im like maybe i Am actually just depressed or maybe it's something else#also dw i am recording all this day by day and am gonna tell my psych#meds were great the first day idk what happened 🥲 lol lmao#it's like they don't fix my inattentiveness unless im active that day or something#which is annoying bc most of the time im trying to write or apply for jobs from my home. i am Not an active person#too much room for procrastination and getting nothing done#the heightened emotionality thing is in contrast to me just constantly being unaware how i feel from moment to moment off meds#i understand that nothing is a full on fix it but. feel like it's beginning to be the same as before im just#kind of more tired and emotional now#the meds are also no longer making me sleepy lmao#uh oh! this man is immune to sleep
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i bought a gf pizza at target bc i know now they reheat. i don't have an appetite though. my plan is to cook it and consume the smallest possible amount and see what it does. but i think i'm just going to refill my water bottle and have a bit of a meal drink and lay down for a bit.
#the doctor also gave me lab orders for a stool collection kit if the xray comes back fine#i just didn't have it in me to go to the lab and sit and wait to get it#bc if the xray is fine then it means there's some bacteria in my guts somewhere causing this which like#yeah no shit?? (or well too much shit in this case!!!)#so like. because i had zero solids yesterday i don't. think i could even use the kit rn anyway#so i think i'm gonna try and get the kit tomorrow or the next day before work#and slowly introduce a small bit of food back into my system#bc the problem is that i can't. get like i was the last four/five days. if i'm unable to stop shitting i can't work.#and i don't fucking qualify for fmla coverage lmaoooooooooooooooo#if ever there was a time i needed to take a leave of absence it would be now.#i don't even think id' need that long? two/three weeks maybe???#i can't afford that but if i can somehow get time off from work w/o losing my job i may ebeg and take it
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i'm going to destroy this damn phone
- the boss avoider
#long vent / rant on tags open at your own risk#straight up turned off my phone and put teams on do not disturb because i was TRYING TO WORK and kept getting interrupted by his whining#(he particularly said he needed me to work [read: be at the office. december 22.] while hindering my ability to do so !!!)#like the job is lame and boring and all but as much as i bitch about it i overall don't mind it that much#i was on a nice roll. think i finished this first website draft in record time (it's not very complicated but still. just 2 days)#and i stg i never have any problems with my project heads yknow. it's not a matter of being bad at receiving orders or w/e#and regardless of what he might say the communication problems are not on my end. bc again it doesn't happen w anyone else#i brought it up with him and he said 'well communication is a two way street you have to do it too' but tell me how can i talk to this man#i misunderstand a message he sends bc he never ever details what he wants even after i specifically asked him to yknow#tell me the whole information when he asks something of me#and then i respond based on the message i received and he goes 'well show me where i said that' FUCK YOU#he's always so passive aggressive about it all too#like if you say 'we have to look at the marketing materials to make new social media posts' and then. not tell me anything else#how am i supposed to know that there's a specific folder and you want me to take the text previously written and put it on new images#like that's a whole other sentence my guy you cannot be mad that i thought you wanted me to scour your social media and#make new posts whole cloth. fuck right off i have to put in my notice bc it's impossible to work under a man like this#like forgive me for the expression but he absolutely lacks leadership skills#if you're not good with people you should just delegate those parts to people who are and focus on reading about the metav3rse#GOD. i'll soon be sent to the seaside for my health (new years trip w my friends) but. i won't be on break at all so :grimace:#because there's that too. haven't had a single break except for holidays but like. only the DAY of the holiday#holiday on a thursday and you're expecting a nice four day weekend? well too bad get fucked you're working that friday#like jesus you're not providing anything so important you need to work your employees every legally allowed day of the year#just stop for the holidays! people won't die because someone's website has been delayed for two weeks!#to think i even considered learning frontend to branch my career options. i'm not stepping foot in a tech company again in my life#i mean there's still self important bosses everywhere. my friend's at a marketing agency and god knows the owner is crazy but#the grindset is gonna kill you and i won't let it kill me too.
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good evening i am. angry but also don't have the wrist stamina to get into it
#elia txts#it just sucks!!!!!! that my job is Doing Nothing and waiting for my body to Heal#FOR ANOTHER 3 MONTHS AT LEAST#i must under no circumstances overdo it even when i start feeling better even in march#i should not write all night or draw a lot it will be so much Easing Back Into It and Not Fuck It All Up Again#but im sick and tired!!!!!!!! two full years pissed into the void#and i won't even be able to throw myself back into passions with my whole heart#like i cannot get over losing two actual years of my life i am so extremely antisocial abt it too#bc before this irl fri*ndshit was taking up so much of my time & i agonized over it and i just like#shouldn't have should've just dropped it then id have never gotten into g3nshin id have quit my job much earlier#i would have actually been able to enjoy japan. it fucking HAUNTS ME#ventpost lol dl but like#i fell behind. everything got away from me. & now i have to wait more and be gentle and patient w myself i wanna bite my own head off#GOD. release me from this hell#i want to draw so badly i don't wanna get 10 pathetic minutes a day at best#i wanna get an art spark and not put it in a box i want to be consumed again & pour hours into it fuelled by energy drink unafraid#reading books is all i can do at the moment but even that is miserable bc i don't have the typing ability for my vocab lists#i can't write notes and summaries even when things are interesting. i cannot look at japanese without crying bc i miss kanji#& believe in recovery now!! (on good days anyway) but this aching void of loss and grief and time wasted will it ever go away :(
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my internship is gonna make my hair fall out from stress, I just know it
#these people have not trained me at all and just.#decided to assign me two mini articles#like blurbs really not even full articles#to research interview photograph and write up and have turned in by friday 9am#I am taking four college classes right now#I do not have time to just go gallivanting off to do this??#and with two days notice??#how do they think I work? do they want me to skip eating or sleeping? do they think this is more important than class?#bc I'll tell you this right now I am not dropping classes I am actively in debt for#for an internship that didn't even have a job description when I applied#I just wanna drop this it's so not worth the stress#but I'll just hate myself for not trying or not sticking with it#not to mention how it'll look professionally and stick to my transcript#though if I don't go to grad school#and honestly why should I I have no money#who gives a rat's ass what my transcript looks like
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