#and i don’t give a shit that most computers don’t have cd drives now. i have an external drive

[scarletanpan]

I actually hate the evolution of technology bc now there’s shit like this. My network adapter broke so I bought a new one, and have zero way to install and use it unless I have another working computer w internet and my own usb on hand to install the drivers from the website. Rather than them just including a cd w the drivers like most products used to do

[blue-eyed-bloodstains]

01. where would you love to go to college? what kind of college is it? I’ve ultimately wanted to go to Full Sail University since my senior year (2010) and I even did the research and had a rep from there who came to NJ to present at our high school about it come to my house for an interview about it...even had roommates set up, a scholarship of $20k, the works. but it all fell apart and I couldn’t go, both by not having the means at the time due to moving around from family drama and there was no way to get there or afford to live off campus since they didn’t have dorms on campus. it’s a media school in the top 5 in the US and I wanted to pursue being a music producer if I went...

I also before that guy came senior year, always wanted to go to NYU for journalism/songwriting. I went to my local community college for Journalism and Public Speaking In Media for a bachelors, using my scholarship but I only completed one semester and had to move...so I never completed college and I lost the majority of that scholarship cause it expired...big regrets, I’d give anything to get a degree preferably online... 02. is there anywhere you’d love to go, but you wouldn’t go due to things there (people, natural disasters, etc.)? isn’t that basically the entire fuckin world at this point..? anywhere you go, there’s shit going down so it would be scary to go to any of the places I’ve always wanted to travel to and experience 03. do you know anyone who has/had swine? who? ...okay, meaning like owned pigs or had the swine flu? lol no not personally but there’s a lot of farmland here with many different animals so I’m sure someone has a bunch of hogs and piggies fenced in :P 04. do you like polaroid photography? yeah, would love to learn how to take amazing photos like that

05. did you ever watch that old nick show, ginger? As Told By Ginger! hell yeah, loved it! 06. is there a friend of yours who curses nonstop? who would that be? pssh myself more than anyone, literally barely can make a simple sentence about the most random small talk without cursing to some degree XD 07. don’t you hate when you put lyrics as a status and everyone comments it asking what it means / why it’s your status? I hate that they can’t relate to them or understand that it’s me crying out pretty much...I post lyrics or sayings/phrases all the time relating to my mental illnesses, emotions, physical illnesses...and I’m still alone with it all. 08. what internet browser do you use? Chrome or Firefox 09. what do you usually do to let your feelings out? listen to music, cry, DRINK TILL I BLACK OUT AND AM NUMB...

10. what was the last thing you uploaded / plugged into the computer? oh god no idea, I fucked up my small USB flash drive so it can’t recognize it when I plug it in...and my cd tray, the cover where you press the button to have it pop out snapped off so now I don’t know how to get it to pop out so I can play movies..and yes, both were from me black out drunk and the laptop sliding off me to the floor. 11. what is your last class of the day? I’m not in school 12. who do you think has your back more: your girl friends or your guy friends? guy friends for sure, I’ve always tended to be closer with guys than girls. being a hardcore tomboy all my life helps lol 13. do you think boys notice things more than girls? or vice versa? it’s hard to say cause everyone’s different, so I hate putting them into a statistic or stereotype. I’d say it’s pretty even for both 14. are you participating in project 365 (you take a picture of you/something everyday of the year and post it)? I’d love to try but not enough things I can post...I’m constantly home with nowhere to go and it’s very hard to be out and about for more than a short time given physical illness weakening me for years so no 15. do you have a flickr? if so, post the link. oh DEAR FUCKING GOD I completely forgot about Flickr! lol no I don’t and never did 16. am i the only one who would go to the ends of the earth to see their favorite band perform? I don’t know you so I mean, I can’t say for sure..but I’ve got several bands and comedians in mind that I would personally 17. do you think it’s dumb when a band smashes their instruments, or do you find it totally radical? meh I don’t really care

18. have you ever made a gif? if not, do you think it’d be interesting to make one? yeah I’ve always been interested in how to do it and I’d go insane making so many once I knew how to lol 19. are you excited for the beginning of american idol? no I haven’t watched for years..last one I saw win was around Jordin Sparks/Adam Lambert/David Cook seasons...I love watching the terrible auditions on youtube though lol 20. do you feel like you need some inspiration, or are you totally inspired right now? I definitely need inspiration... 21. when you feel uninspired, do you feel like you need to go somewhere to become inspired? definitely but rarely get the chance to 22. do you like driving games, or not so much? yeah 23. do you have trouble coming up with good surveys questions? I’ve never made em, I love taking good ones I find

[podracerbarrelroll]

How to ditch subscription music apps and build your own library (mostly) for free

This post is brought to you by the most recent update to the Amazon music app which no longer lets me, as a Prime subscriber, download individual songs or albums. I now either have to download “playlists” or pay an extra subscription fee for Amazon music unlimited. Since I was only using Amazon’s app because I didn’t have to pay anything extra, I ultimately decided not to put up with their bullshit and to go back to the old ways, e.g., building my own music library that no corporation can randomly decide to take away from me.

If you grew up in the pre-internet, burgeoning-but-not-ubiquitous-internet, or pre-smartphone era like me, the following steps will be a blast from the past, so this post is not exactly for you. It’s for Kids These Days™ who may not remember a pre-algorithm, pre-subscription service internet in the same way, or just anyone who doesn’t know you can do this. Remember, one man’s time knife is another man’s Chris Fleming.

So, how do you get music for free?

Use your public library

Check out CDs

Rip them using Windows Media Player, which comes standard with windows computers

That’s it. Now you can save and back up the .mp3 files wherever you want, and you have them forever and ever. I recently ripped music from a CD I copied and burned onto a new disc back in high school, uploaded the mp3 files to Google drive, and downloaded them onto my phone. I paid zero dollars for that, and I now have that album forever.

Ok, so how do I do that?

I’m glad you asked.

1. Insert a CD in the disc drive. (I know a lot of new laptops don’t come with a disc drive--I’ll address this later)

2. Go to the Windows start menu and find Windows Media Player. (If you have a mac, use itunes or whatever, I’m sure it’s similar)

3. Find the CD on the menu on the left-hand side of Windows Media Player. It looks like this.

4. At the top of the screen, go to “rip CD”. If you don’t want all of the songs, uncheck the ones you don’t want to rip. It should now look like this.

5. When it’s done, go to your music folder and find the artist and album. Here are the .mp3 files. You can connect your phone directly to your computer to transfer the files, or you can upload them to Google drive or your cloud storage of choice and then download them onto your phone.

6. From there, the .mp3s should load automatically and play in the music player app of your choice. I use Musicolet because it doesn’t have ads.

Is this legal? Honestly, that’s a bit of a grey area. Technically, only the copyright owners can make reproductions of their work barring exceptions for fair use, but the real trouble does not come when you copy a work, but when you redistribute it. If you save this from a hard copy to your own computer or phone, who’s ever gonna know? Basically, it’s legal enough to get away with, and legal enough that no one will care. This is how back in the pre-CD days, people recorded songs off the radio onto cassette tapes, and how my parents saved all of the James Bond movies from a TV movie marathon by recording them to VHS tapes on the VCR.

Is this ethical to the artist? It’s as ethical as checking out their CD to listen to it on a CD player and then return it. The library already purchased their music legally, and checking out the CD to rip it is literally no different than checking out the disc to play it in a CD player. The more times something has been checked out, the more likely the library is to replace it if it wears out and gets ruined.

Will the library get mad at me / figure out what I’m doing? Emphatically no. They don’t give a shit. Checking out a bunch of CDs improves their circulation rates, which is good for your local library system as a whole, because that’s something they bring to their governing bodies to show that people are still using the library and that they still need funding.

What if the library doesn’t have the album I want? You can try getting it through interlibrary loan, requesting the library purchase it (a lot of libraries have forms for that), or just buying that album yourself if you want it that badly. CDs cost roughly $10-$25 each, less if they’re used, which is the equivalent of like 1-2 months of spotify depending on what tier you use. Compare that to having the music you want forever without having to pay a monthly fee.

My laptop doesn’t have a disc drive. Neither does mine. I bought a USB disc player from Amazon for like $20. Your library might also have one they’d let you use, although they might not have ones to check out and take home.

I don’t have a computer. Your library does. They’re free to use, and I can almost guarantee they have PC desktops running Windows. They may not have a disc drive, in which case you can [see last paragraph].

This would be great if I could actually get to the library / afford a disc player / had a phone, etc. Yes, I’m assuming several things here, including that you have a phone, can get to your public library, and (if you refer to the title of this post) that you are the kind of person who can pay for spotify or another streaming app. I’m also American, and I don’t know how well all of this applies to other countries. However, this is the most affordable and most accessible solution out there ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I don’t have the time for this and would rather just keep paying for spotify. That’s fine, and I’m honestly not judging you. I buy a lot of pre-cut vegetables from the store because I don’t have the fucking time to peel and chop carrots. My mom would say that’s a waste of money, but I’m paying for the convenience.

Lol I’m just gonna pirate shit. Cool, have fun. Just please keep your pirating to mega-rich artists who are already set for life and not struggling people putting their shit out on soundcloud, ok?

How do I get new music recs without suggestions? Listen to the radio. Look up music you hear in movie soundtracks. Get recs from friends. Go to YouTube (using ublock origin for Firefox so you don’t get ads) and use their algorithm. There are ways beyond the personalized playlist spotify gives you.

This seems like it takes a lot of time and effort. If you have no music to begin with, yeah, then it’s going to take some time to build your library. But, as I keep saying, the benefits are that you get to curate your own experience and that you get to have this music forever. Once you already have most of what you want set up, it’s going to take a lot less effort to add new albums or songs here and there as you discover them. In this modern hellscape of profit-seeking and algorithms, I will keep peddling the value of curating your own experience and getting shit for free.

[gansey-just-gansey]

The Princess and the Half Bloods part seven

They drove to Leo’s house first. When they pulled up, the garage door was open, showing an old car and a pair of legs sticking out from underneath it. Percy rolled the window down.

“Hey Ms. Valdez. Is Leo even awake yet?” Percy called out.

“Yes, I just saw him eating.” A woman emerged from the depths of the car, t-shirt and jeans splattered with oil and grease. “Leo!” she yelled. “Percy y una chica estan aqui! Ven aqui!”

“Yo se, Mama. I heard them pull up,” Leo said, appearing in the doorway to the house. “Estamos ir a la casa de Jason. Don’t wait up, okay?”

“Toma tu tarea, por favor. I don’t want you to fall behind, mijo.”

“Si, Mama,” he sighed, shoving his backpack into the backseat ahead of him. “Let’s get out of here before she starts looking up what schoolwork I’m missing and makes me play catch up on that, too.” Percy pulled out of the driveway with a wave at Ms. Valdez.

“Do you have homework you need to get done?” Annabeth asked.

“Yeah, but it’s not important. We practice pretty much the whole day so I won’t even have time to do it, were I inclined to.”

“I promised Chiron I would keep you guys on track with school. You can’t fail and get grounded and miss a night at The Big House.”

“Well Saturdays are off limits, we definitely have to keep up with our practices,” Percy interjected. “And Sundays are usually working on developing songs.”

“When do you typically do homework then?”

Percy and Leo shared a look in the rearview mirror. “Whenever I have the spare time,” Percy said with a shrug.

“I see. So you just don’t, right?” she asked, exasperated.

“Not usually, no,” he admitted.

Annabeth sighed. “Piper, Hazel, and Frank meet up with me on Tuesdays so we can work on our homework together. I’ll help with anything you need. We usually go to a coffee shop but all seven of us would take up a lot of room. I’ll have to talk to Piper about letting us use her house instead.”

“If we have to study, a tricked out mansion isn’t a bad place to do it in,” Leo said, perking up.

Annabeth rolled her eyes. “So how long does practice last?”

“You’ll be getting home pretty late, if that’s okay with you. The garage has been soundproofed after a lot of complaints from Jason’s neighbors, so we can practice well into the night without having to worry about keeping anyone up,” Percy explained.

“That’s fine with me, I don’t think my dad is expecting me back for dinner anyway.”

They pulled up to the Grace house, parking behind the van on the street. Jason came out to meet them as they got out.

“Hey guys, girl,” he said, nodding to Annabeth.

“Unlock the van, I need to make sure my baby remains unscathed,” Leo called, pulling on the back door of the vehicle.

“Your girlfriend is just fine, Leo,” Jason said, but pulled out his keys and unlocked the doors anyway. Leo started checking over his drum set. “Everything is all set up for practice, just gotta get the drums in there.”

“Cool,” Percy said. He went around to the trunk of his car and grabbed his guitar. “We’re going to do a playthrough of all our songs and covers for Annabeth today.”

“Sounds like a plan. Mom is out for the day, possibly the night. Either way, I doubt we’ll see her.” It was only a little bitter. Annabeth wondered at the relationship there, but didn’t feel it would be appropriate for her to ask.

She followed Percy and Jason into the garage, leaving Leo to struggle with the drum set on his own after he insisted she let him carry it himself. The other two started checking that their guitars were tuned while they waited. Annabeth booted up her laptop and started setting up a YouTube channel for them. She created a new email for the band and used it to make the account.

Piper texted her while Leo was finishing putting up the drums: Are you awake? The band was a hit, obviously.

Yeah, she sent back. I’m at their practice right now. Setting up social media for them before they start at the bar.

The reply came almost immediately. Without me???? Annabeth chuckled.

“What’s so funny?” Percy inquired.

“Piper. Hey, is it cool if she comes and helps me set up all this social media for you guys? She’s like, a PR goddess.”

“Yes. Yeah, of course. She’s totally welcome here,” Jason stuttered out.

Annabeth texted Piper the address with no explanation and put down her phone in favor of the computer. She didn’t have to wait long before her phone was buzzing with another text from Piper.

I’m here but no one else is? I’ve been ringing the doorbell for like five minutes.

“Oops, shit,” Annabeth muttered as she got up from the beanbag she had taken over when she came in.

The boys all looked up from their instruments. “Something wrong?” Percy asked.

“Piper,” she said as she opened the door that exited to the front yard. “Hey, we’re back here. Sorry, it’s soundproofed.”

“There you are,” Piper said. “I was beginning to think they had kidnapped and murdered you.”

“Not yet. I think they were just about to start, yeah?” It turned into a question at the end as she looked toward the band.

“Yeah. We’re going to start with our covers. Ready?” Percy asked the others. They murmured their assent and it was quiet for a minute until they started playing. The first song they played was After Midnight again. Percy winked at her just before he started singing.

Most of their covers were songs that Annabeth knew, Blink 182 and Sum 41 and the entirety of the Green Day album that Percy said had inspired him to start playing. There were a few she didn’t recognize, some from a band called Waterparks that Annabeth vowed to listen to when she had the free time because The Half Bloods played them so perfectly, and some from Taking Back Sunday, New Found Glory, and other bands she’d never even heard of. She was glad for their long list of covers that they could pull songs from to play during their sets so they didn’t play the same songs every weekend. They could play a couple original songs and a bunch of covers each time and people wouldn’t get bored.

Annabeth watched them play, making a note in her phone of each song. When they took breaks for water and just giving their arms a rest, Piper and Annabeth busied themselves with setting up an account on every major social media platform for them. She added them all to a group chat and sent the login info for all the accounts. Piper took a picture of them while they were playing and set it as their profile picture.

“Until we can get a professional in, it’ll do,” she said, nodding to herself.

They took a longer break once they’d exhausted their list of covers. It was already near dinner time, so they all piled into Jason’s van and went through the Wendy’s drive through. The boys refused to let the girls pay and split the bill three ways as a thanks for the work they were doing.

“So we were talking,” Percy said once they were back in the garage and eating, “and we were thinking that we’re going to use the extra ten percent you wouldn’t take for things for the band. Like the photoshoot you were talking about and like recording time and stuff.”

“That’s actually a very good idea,” Annabeth approved. She probably should’ve thought about that herself.

“Would you mind taking care of that money? I’d probably lose it or accidentally spend it.”

“I can put it in a separate account that’s only for band stuff. I’ll probably be the one booking everything anyway so I might as well. I’ll go make the bank account this week.”

“You’re a godsend,” Jason said with his mouth full of fries. Piper laughed and he tried to quickly swallow it all but only choked. She laughed harder as Leo pounded on his back.

“Okay, enough fucking around. Let’s get playing our originals,” Percy said, grabbing his guitar. Annabeth settled deeper into the beanbag she had claimed. Her part of the job was over for the day and she could truly enjoy watching the band play their originals with no distractions.

They played their whole CD through, followed by a couple others that they hadn’t had an opportunity to record. Percy and Jason were perfect, their voices harmonizing beautifully. Leo was a beast, slamming out the beats with no more than a thirty second break between songs.

Things slowed and relaxed as they started playing parts of unfinished songs and suggesting changes and additions. Jason nailed down a bridge for one song and Leo played around with a solo until it was up to his standards, then pushed it a little farther, a little faster. Percy strummed and hummed mostly to himself in one of the corners, trying to find words to fit his little riff. Annabeth watched, enraptured, as they worked their magic. Piper spent most of the time setting up little details like bios on the social media accounts and circling the boys to take more pictures for Instagram. She handed her phone over to Annabeth so she could pick out which pictures were good enough to post. She sent the ones she liked to herself so she could post them.

Eventually Piper had to leave because her dad was supposed to fly home early tomorrow to spend the week with her before setting off for another film next weekend. After she left, Annabeth put up the pictures on Insta and Facebook, then turned off her phone and leaned her head back. The music that The Half Bloods played wasn’t exactly lullaby material, but the party the night before had really taken it out of her and she’d been on the whole day since she woke up. She drifted off.

She woke to Percy gently shaking her. “Hey, it’s time to go. We’re finished for the night.”

The bean bag was not the most comfortable thing she’d ever slept on, leaving her with a stiff neck and heavy arms. She blinked blearily and stood, grabbing for her bag, but Percy already had it packed and slung over his shoulder. She smiled sleepily at him, and Percy responded with a brilliant one of his own, grabbing her hand to guide her clumsy limbs to the car.

“Could you carry my shit, too?” Leo called after them. “I’m not holding your hand, though.”

“Get your shit in the car and let’s go,” Percy said, flipping him off. Leo grumbled to himself about how he was tired too but got in the car after Percy had deposited her safely in the passenger seat.

As they drove Leo home, Annabeth pulled out her phone to check notifications on the band accounts. They already had three followers: Piper, Hazel, and Frank. Piper must’ve texted the others.

There was another post in addition to the pictures of the band playing that she didn’t remember making. She clicked on it, worried that she had accidentally posted something that wasn’t meant for the official account.

“Late night band practice. Catch us live @thebighouse every Friday and Saturday starting this weekend!” the caption read. It was a picture of Annabeth, curled up on the bean bag, asleep. Percy crouched next to her with a smirk, one hand making the peace sign and the other taking the picture.

Annabeth smiled to herself and watched the houses fly by as Percy sped away.

[themissingmarvel]

Kind Regards, Detective [Part 6]

(So, forgive me for this both: being long, and not having a lot of Loki in it. I understand if this chapter turns people off or doesn’t get a lot of love. I won’t be hurt by it. But it needed to be done. So hopefully I don’t lose readers but if I do, like I said, I understand.

Catch up:  [Part 1] // [Part 2] // [Drabble] // [Part 3] // [Part 4] // [Drabble 2] // [Part 5]

Pairing: Detective Loki x fbi!Reader

Word Count: 3.7k [yikes]

Warnings: Language. Poor life choices. )

Back when Y/N was in undergrad, she remembered one of her classmates affectionately telling her she was afflicted with what was known as “resting bitch face”. She became known as the Queen of the RBF within her circles, and honestly it remained with her. But it was protective, and in times like this, when a precinct was staring at you, you had to protect yourself.

One of the things that would come up was a conflict of interest, she knew that immediately. Her supervising agent would be concerned about a package sent directly to her. No one would know the depth of it, though. They’d know it was in reference to her sister’s passing, but the song? The CD itself? She could lie. And she would. Even when her phone rang and she ignored it, she kept her face stoic and her eyes locked on the computer, scanning over the evidence collected from the scene still.

“Agent Y/N, there’s a call for you from the bureau-” a young officer, though not a rookie, popped his head in.

She didn’t even look up, “That’s cool.”

Loki glanced from her to the officer who looked more confused than anything. Clearly that was not the answer he was hoping for.

“I mean, they want to talk to you.” He suddenly got quieter. Meeker.

Again, she didn’t even pause, “Nice of them. I’ll send them a thank-you card later.”

Now the officer was confused, “Did you want to answer it out front or I can-”

“Tell them I’m dead. Or I’m in the bathroom. Whatever. I’m busy so please don’t come in again.” Her eyes glanced briefly from the screen to the man who got the hint, his mouth in a straight line as he backed out of the room, entirely missing David Loki’s very soft smirk.

But she was. Busy, that was. Not dead. She had found a few interesting leads, and was suddenly finding a rather disturbing pattern, “David, c’mere a sec. I need you to look at this and tell me I’m not crazy,” she looked across the table at the man who’d been poring over the papers and pictures, hating to look at bodies but knowing now was not the time to be squeemish. He thought his note was bad… hers was tenfold. Whatever it was. He didn’t know about her sister. Or any of her life, really. He knew what she had shared. He was vaguely terrified that this would stop all of it.

Standing, he walked over to where she was, a spreadsheet open, “So look,” she held up a finger, glancing back to the man who was leaning over, face by hers as he looked at the screen, the moment intense, though far from intimate, “if we follow the purchases, the television is old but beyond state-of-the-art, telling us it was pricy. And you don’t leave pricy things behind, especially if you think you can be traced. And when we tracked the generator down, it was from a different manufacturing company, so both were dismissed out of hand. But when we add in the piece about the phone company provider and the chemical weapon used… Look.”

She brought up a page of a very formal looking website, Safety in the palm of your hand was the caption under the large “West Company” logo in block letters at the top. David knew of them, but clearly Y/N knew more, “The company does a lot of work with technology and weapon engineering. The federal government has a contract with them, so we’ve worked with them before. David, they even have a lab on site…”

He stood back, looking down at her with focus and concern. Without the chemical agent to go off of, the connection might be a reach. But the fact that it all tied to one company, and one that would have direct links to technology to reach into… anything, meant it was a good chance that the person they needed would be there.

“So what do we do with this? I mean, that’s a huge company. And with a defense contract, they’re probably not gonna wanna talk to you,” David crossed his arms in front of his chest, concern on his features. She was a bloodhound who had finally picked up a scent and he had a sinking feeling she’d chase that scent, regardless of what came in her way.

Nodding, she closed the laptop, “Normally that’d be true, but I may have a way into the company records. I can’t divulge why. I just need you to trust me.” Her eyes were wide. And pleading. She had just been hit with a wrecking ball and already she was back on her feet, but David knew she was hurting. And pain made you do stupid things. But she was slowly becoming his weak spot.

Pushing back his hair he sighed, “Fine. What do we do next?”

Standing up and grabbing her phone that had more missed calls than she could reasonably get away with, she shrugged, “We don’t do anything. I make a call, and you keep going over evidence. I have to go back and grab something at the hotel. I left a file back there we’ll need to keep moving forward on this.”

There was something in her voice, her tone perhaps, or her body language. David would blame himself later, as he always did, for not noticing. He’d tell himself it was his fault. He should have known she wasn’t going to the hotel, or at least that wasn’t her final stop. And as she walked outside without her federal issued phone, only her keys and wallet in hand as she held her jacket tight, she understood what had to happen.

_____

She wasn’t lying. Not completely. She had gone to the hotel and grabbed her personal phone, the one she used for calling her parents, listening to music, listening to audiobooks when she was stuck on airplanes, or in this case, long car drives alone. But her first call had been, surprising to most, to Henry Best. The man was one of the top CEO and board members of West Company and one she knew better than most. It was the way she had into the company.

Henry had been surprised to hear her voice, though not disappointed. He had liked Y/N when he met her four years back, when she had just begun her profiling in the field. Back when she was still wet behind the ears, so to speak. And that she was calling on her personal phone made him even more curious, “Of course. Around when should I expect you?” His voice, smooth as silk with a ‘proper’ British accent, a voice that could melt a woman without effort, came forth.

Glancing at the dashboard of her car, Y/N shrugged, “GPS says it’s another hour. So around 3pm, if that’s all right? Honestly, I hate to barge in like this. And I know you’re doing more than a favor. Especially since the FBI doesn’t even know-”

There was a soft chuckle, the man on the other end smiling, “Please don’t apologize. It would be my pleasure to see you again. After all, it is you I have to thank for where I am now, is it not?” A genuine kind of thanks to his voice, though something else lingered. Perhaps not strong enough for the bluetooth in the car to detect.

Either way, she felt herself smiling as she eyed the guidance system, “That was all your own work, Henry. But we can talk more when I get there. Do I check in at the front desk?” She was adjusting herself in her seat, suddenly a little nervous. She really hadn’t thought this through. And she was still wearing… well, a sweater and jeans. And her hair wasn’t well done, either. Fuck, she really did not think this through.

“I’ll have someone waiting out front to valet the car, don’t worry about parking. Mark will bring you up. Take your time.” He was calm. Cool. Collected. More than he had been before. It was kind of nice.

She nodded, to no one in particular, “Will do. See you in an hour, Henry.” She clicked off the phone, continuing her drive.

Her phone rang again, though this time the number came up as Delete This Later, “Madison is on a rampage. And now I have some podunk Detective Loki- Hey, what kind of name is that even? Whatever, anyway, this dude is calling me wanting to know where you are. I made some shit up about you needing to coordinate with another office. I still have Madison on a rampage, though. He’s your boss. Remember him?”

Rolling her eyes, she was already regretting giving Adrian her personal number, “Thank you for covering. I’m actually headed to see Henry Best. Over at West Company. Who knew my name was so memorable?” She smirked.

Adrian huffed, “Just don’t do anything stupid. Well, more stupid than you already have. Wits about, right?”

She cocked a sideways smirk, “Always. And you know the deal. Call David at 3pm, when I’m due in New York to meet with Henry. I’ll text you the address. And you can give him this number. Otherwise the guy will have a heart attack,” she sighed softly.

There was quiet for a moment before Adrian spoke again, “What did he send you, Ladybug? That guy. I haven’t seen you like this since the Boston case when you almost bumped into the dude we were after. I’m worried.”

But she was quiet. Too quiet.

“Nothing’s gonna happen. I just have a feeling Henry will be able to help.”

___

He had called her. He had called her twice before realizing the ringing was coming from inside her bag. He had thrown his own phone across the room, though one cased in an Otterbox after the officer manager was tired of him breaking phones. Instead, it bounced off and hit the ground. He had wanted to break something. Fucking anything.

It was a flurry of words after that, David having rolled his sleeves up, his hair repeatedly needing to be slicked back as his face looked vaguely similar to John Wick finding his dog dead. He kept telling himself he was angry because she was in harm’s way, and that was true, but there was something more. This woman he had felt vulnerable with, who had in turn shared her own vulnerabilities, was gone. And he knew that she was gone because she was chasing something that not even God himself could stop her from getting. She was on a mission.

David was a driven man just as much, however, and he had gotten through to Y/N’s unit by sheer force of will on the phone. He had kept it together enough that he was actually able to get through to someone named “Adrian Dent” who worked closely with her. The one who had texted her ‘ladybug’ and he didn’t like it. He didn’t like Adrian. No idea why, but when the smug asshole gave him a regurgitated message about her meeting with another agent in another city, he understood it was a lie.

But what else did he have? He was sitting by himself in the conference room they were using, staring at a laptop that had the company name on it. And he knew. He didn’t know exactly, but he knew. And fuck waiting. Fuck telling his chief. Fuck all of it. He was headed to New York City just the same as she was. ____

It had been strange, walking into the large, sleek office building. The floors were marble and the colors back and silver were clearly the aesthetic. She had trailed behind a young man who looked to be no older than twenty-two, probably scored this gig right out of a prestigious college, wanting to work his way into the defense industry. What a strange goal. No stranger, perhaps, than wanting to be an FBI Field Agent.

He was quiet as he lead her up, his earpiece wired in as they took a private elevator to the… damn, fiftieth floor? Last time she could have sworn it was forty. But that was four years ago.

Stepping off the elevator that looked like something out of Blade Runner, she followed the assistant carefully down the hall, carpeted in black with dark wood lining it. Far fewer people here. And it was clear, by the large double doors ahead, that this was where she was going, “Mr. Best is inside, you may enter.” He looked almost smug. She didn’t belong. He knew it. She knew it.

Shrugging off her winter jacket, she knocked on the door, heading the rather gentle, “Please, come in,” beckoning her forth.

It had been four years since she saw him, but Henry looked amazing. He had before but… there was something else now. His dark blonde hair was styled on his head, not slicked down but a certain casual and professional look to it. He had on a white business shirt, black tie tight around his neck though with his sleeves rolled up. And he, of course, was gorgeous. Blue eyes that felt like they could stop you in your tracks, angular features that made him all the more distinguished. He looked good.

And the office was amazing. An entire wall was purely windows, looking out at the impressive New York City skyline. It was like being in a movie. Her entire life she had never existed in a world like this, and now she was investigating a serial killer in an office that looked so extraordinary it hurt. Book shelves, a large desk by the back where he had been standing, oak, of course. He smiled, a sort of crooked smile that, were she paying attention, would have concerned her more. But he was smiling as he walked over, “Oh, please, let me take that. Shouldn’t have you lugging this around,” he smiled as he got close, taking the jacket from her hands, draping it over a chair nearby.

Nervous, suddenly, she pushed back her hair, “Thank you… and sorry about not being dressed for the occasion… Like I said, kind of a rush deal getting here,” she laughed nervously, fidgeting.

“Nonsense. You look wonderful, if I may say so. Would you care to take a seat? I wager you’ve just driven a bit of a ways, so I’ll understand if you’d like to stand.” There was care in his voice and tone, and suddenly she was struck by how strange it was. She tended to trust her gut, and suddenly it was telling her to be aware.

Smiling with her placating, plastic smile, she shook her head, “I’m happy to sit.”

He looked satisfied with the answer, gesturing to the table in the corner, two cups and a teapot on it, “Please, take a seat. May I offer you some tea?” He sat across from her, his movements graceful and purposeful, and perhaps almost serpent-like.

She held up a hand, “No thank you. Long drive back, don’t want to have to make pit stops,” she smiled at the man who looked… content. Relaxed. Hardly what she remembered before.

He was pouring himself a cup, Y/N looking around as she noticed a plant on his desk. Well, one. And flowers on his window. Gorgeous lilies. And orchids. Succulents were on two shelves of the book cases. She couldn’t help but smile, “Quite a lot of greenery around your office, Henry.”

Taking a sip of the tea, he smiled, “After we spoke those years ago, I took you up on your suggestion. I began gardening. Took a month off, worked on myself, and began gardening. Hobbies really are a lifesaver, aren’t they?” He was watching her now, able to see that brief moment of her eyes widening, ever so slightly, her breath catching in her throat. He could see her wheels turning. But she was no mere rabbit. Fear was not something that drove her.

And true, in her own mind she was rationalizing it, “I’m glad it seemed to work for you. Having a hobby like that can be therapeutic. And it seems like our meetings got you back on track. How have things been now?”

Of course, she was referring to the incident that had lead her to his office years ago. He had lost his wife in a rather tragic car accident. From what he had told the police, they had gotten into a fight, and before he could stop her, she had gotten her keys and driven off. She’d wound up running a red light at a major intersection and was killed on impact.

Something was clicking, now. His face changed every so slightly when she asked how things had been. Hobbies. Not just gardening. And now she was poking at the wound.

He nodded, quite like the gentleman he was, “Much better. Work has been consuming much of my time. I imagine you’re in a similar boat. I always sensed we were quite alike in that way,” he placed the tea back down and smiled at her.

There was a feeling of anger that came with the comment, though she was unsure why. It wasn't rude in any way, nor did it infer anything negative about her. But it felt personal.

“Speaking of work… I’m here because I think I have a lead on my case. And not to be an alarmist, I’m somewhat concerned they’re linked with your company somehow,” she eyed him carefully.

He looked out the window with a bit of a chuckle, “We have quite a few employees, you know. Do you have anything more to go off of? I’d love to help you, but that’s quite a broad brush to be painting with, Y/N,” his smile was daring this time. He was playing with her. What may not have been personal now was. But he was fishing, too. He wanted to see what she had. If she’d divulge.

She was many things in this world. Stupid was not on that list.

“If you could set me up with someone in human resources, I might be able to go over a filter given some of the profiles I have set up. Think you could make an exception for me?” She forced a smile, hoping, perhaps, she was wrong about that feeling in her gut. The feeling that was screaming at her, louder now, telling her to get out of the building. To find her car. But he had that, didn’t he? He had insisted he park it for her. Insisted he take her up through the private elevator. And she had complied.

Maybe she was wrong.

“Were I a different man, I might argue against it. But you’ve done quite a bit for me, Y/N, more than you know. You helped me realize my potential in those meetings. The kind of man I could be. And so of course, Agent Y/L/N, I would be more than honored to help. After what you’ve done for me. Truly, it stayed with me.” He smiled. And he was being honest. Sincere. She had made an impact in his life that had changed the entire course of his world. He had gone from a man on the brink of losing his life to drugs and alcohol over the loss of his true love, to a man who had channeled his grief into something else. He understood what it meant to lose.

A feeling of relief washed over her and she smiled, more sincere this time, “That’s really kind of you. And if it means anything, I always knew you’d come back from it. It’s why I recommended the board keep you on. We all have choices in life, I’m glad you made yours.”

A small ‘chirp’ came from the digital watch on the man’s wrist, looking down as he grimaced slightly, “Seems I’ve had an unfortunate emergency arise. I’ve got your number, so I’ll be sure to give you a call when I can locate someone in HR who can work remotely. Wouldn’t want you taking the trek back and forth from Conyers again, would we? You said over the phone the Detective you’re working with is stationed there as well,” He smiled as he stood, the agent doing the same.

He handed her the jacket she’d come in with, walking her to the door. And for a moment, she knew she could walk out and it would be the end of it. Her gut would stop screaming at her, now from the top of its lungs, and maybe she could get out unscathed. She could simply walk to the elevator and find a way to do things on her terms. She knew, deep down, that she could walk out the door confident in her own beliefs and he would be confident that she had only the brief terror that prey does when suspecting a predator nearby.

Instead, she turned as she walked out the door, her eyes locking onto his, “I meant to ask, you have so many different plants and flowers, do you have any favorites? I’m a lavender woman, myself,” she smiled strongly, forcing herself to speak now as she felt the rest of herself coming undone.

And he smiled. The smile that would seal in every fear she had, every terror that she would feel, every nightmare that would haunt her, and she knew that look in his eyes with that smile as he spoke, “Oh, my dear, it’s roses I love best. Give my kindest regards to Detective Loki, won’t you?”

It took every ounce of strength she had to stay standing as he closed the door with the look of a man she had seen once. The man who had fallen apart but was wearing the mask of something else. She understood his comment, now. Two sides of the same coin. Two people shaped by tragedy. Two lives changed in a moment. And a grin on his face that felt like a bullet to her chest.

Kind Regards indeed.

Fuck.

(Tagging: @escapingthoughtsandsecrets​ @is-it-madness​ @detecellie​ @doritosandavocados​ @oscarflysaac​ @peccobagnaia​ @fgtakbrjbdl​ @miss-missing-patd​ send me a message to be added/removed)

[renniecirque]

More Rennie HCs!!!

how do they listen to their music? ipod, mp3, computer, cd, records, etc? Records, his phone, sometimes his school laptop

do they take baths or showers? do they prefer one over the other? Bath! Rennie is old fashioned and loves taking a soak in a warm tub filled with herbs and calming scents. It’s not uncommon to find him fast asleep in the tub after a long day.

do they wear their hair down when they sleep, or tied up / braided? Down. Though during the summer he clips his bangs up out of his face!

how many blankets / pillows do they like to have on their bed? 2 blankets! One thin one and another that is minky/soft. Rennie is the king of pillows; he has 4. 3 to lay on, one to hold.

what do they normally dream about? nightmares or nonsense? Dreams are strange for Rennie as they aren’t quite nightmares but they can leave him unsettled. He often replays the past in his sleep. 

do they wake up groggy or alert? do they like mornings? Groggy as heck. You’d think he was a different person with how silent and dragging his body-like he is if he has an early morning class. Some say it looks like someone dragged him across the field and left him there with how he looks in the morning. Not at all.

what do they sleep in? pj’s, normal clothes, nothing? A cardigan over his old night gown. He also wears night shorts under it. Though he also now has a matching lounge pj set with his friend.

what do they smell like? do they use perfume or cologne? Rennie either smells like coffee or fresh pine/floral scents. He uses sprays whenever he feels like it but doesn’t make a habit of it. 

what shampoo scent do they like the best and why? Lavender! Anything that reminds him of his home in the forest. Plus it has soothing attributes. 

bar soap or liquid? do they like loofahs? Bar! He’s quite fond of homemade oatmeal soap. Eh he’s indifferent.

do they prefer sleeping alone or with someone else? Sleeping with someone else. Back at his home, he used to share a bed with his brother and now currently with his sister in the small cottage. It just feels safe to him.

do they like the room cold or hot when they sleep? Cold. Layers are easier to deal with than sweating.

do they stay up too late? do they like staying up? Very much so. Rennie is a big night owl and likes to stay up until dusk before heading to bed. Sadly school makes that more difficult.

do they know how to drive? do they like to drive? NO WAY DFKGKDJ Rennie is used to using brooms or carriage if needed!

do they prefer taxis / buses / subways, etc? or none of the above? N/A. The valley doesn’t really have things like that.

do they have pets? what kind? dogs, cats, etc? No pets. Though Rennie is quite familiar with the animals that lurk near his home.

do they prefer cats or dogs? or neither? Neither.

what are their phobias? do they have any at all? Lightning, war, abandonment issues.

what do they hate being teased about? are they teased often? Their loud voice, getting too excited over things and not knowing when to tone it down- not often thankfully.

did they have any fears growing up that they’ve since conquered? Rennie had a fear of how weak humans were when playing went horribly wrong- ultimately adding fuel to an already tense war and causing them to flee their home. I wouldn’t say it was a full conquered fear just… Rennie copes with it better than he used to. Though not in the most friendly way.

do they have a fear they want to conquer, but haven’t yet? Abandonment issues. Since his brother left, Rennie realized just how quiet the family home is without the one who stood up for him all of this time.

how do they show fear? sweating, shaking, blankness, anger, etc? Biting his lip, twisting his hair, can range from fight to flight depending on the severity. Laughing especially.

do they have a short temper? what’s most likely to set it off? Not terribly short. Setting him off usually involves underestimating him or blocking his way for long periods of time. He also doesn’t stand for weak people getting bullied by fraud mages who think they’re hot shit just because they’re in the brawn dorm.

do they get scared easily? does loud noises, shouting, etc, scare them? Not super easily- though sudden crashes can make him jump. Yelling does put him on edge, especially if it is directed towards him.

what are they most passionate about? what could they debate about for hours? Rennie is very passionate about learning anything and everything about magic! It’s his goal to become a well-rounded magician his mother and father could be proud of. He is also very passionate with his work making clothes for his sister and goods to sell back home. Definitely the history of magic and it’s influence across the world. How each country lives in very different ways involving magic.

what do they never, ever want to speak of, ever? The incident where he hurt a human child on accident. Where his brother risked it all to protect him, even if it meant getting hurt himself on top of severe punishment from the school. How he dropped his birth name because there is terrible magic in knowing one’s true name. He didn’t wish to be controlled by the past anymore.

do they have kids? do they want kids? if so, how many? No kids, he’s a kid himself. Rennie wouldn’t be Against having a family though it’s hard to gauge. Maybe 1-2 kids??? He does like family.

is there something they’d like to change about themselves physically? Not really… though he wouldn’t complain about being a little taller.

is there something about their personality they want to change? The trickster side of himself he shows for sure. While it can be fun at times, he often uses it as a shield to hide his real feelings.

do they have good fashion sense? or do they just wear whatever? Generally Rennie wears whatever is comfortable, though he has an appreciation for certain styles. He at least tries to look presentable.

do they critique others easily? do they judge from afar? To a degree, yes. Though it is more from afar and only within his mind. He only lays light jabs to people and prefers to keep snide comments to himself. No sense picking unnecessary battles.

are they too hard on themselves over the little things? Eh not really! Rennie has a very carefree approach to much of his school life, only getting serious when it comes to his own courses and if others are trying to push him/his friends around. He only gets upset when he fails something he knows he can pull off.

are they the jealous type? what are they most likely to be jealous of? Not very jealous, no. If anything, he’s more envious and resigned to the fact that there are some fae who can live and exist among humans without worry. He’s envious some can survive the strife within the Valley with little issue.

are they possessive over their things? or over other people? Both? Definitely more over people. Those Rennie welcomes into his life are like family and he is not going to let people hurt those he cares about. Not being seen as a dangerous monster by others is all Rennie hoped for.

would they rather be alone or in a relationship? While Rennie feels safer being with other people, I still think he’d rather be alone. I don’t think Rennie would trust someone so openly with his heart as a Fae. Plus relationships with non-fae lead to an endless cycle of heartache.

what do they think about polyamorous relationships? would they do it? They never considered it but nothing is off the table???

do they have parents / parental figures? do they have a good relationship with them? Rennie has his mother and father! For the most part it is very positive. A strict yet loving household, Rennie’s father expects his children to upkeep the family tradition and talent with magic and good schooling. While Rennie’s mother simply wishes for her children to grow well-rounded and respectful. The change in their lifestyle really showed her what really is important and that’s family above influence.

do they have siblings? if so, how many? do they like them? Rennie has an older brother and his baby sister! He’s the middle baby! Rennie loves his siblings more than anything, especially having a close bond with his brother Brier. Brier tries to distance himself from Rennie now not in a mean way but as a- I’ve protected you for so long and I want you to live and survive on your own way. He can’t always be there, so he needs Rennie to be able to protect and live for himself.

do they have a big family or a small family? no family? A decently big family of 5!

where would they want to live if they could live anywhere? Why? Anywhere outside of the Valley. While Rennie’s home is comforting, the memories of The Valley of Thorns are very raw still and being in a place always on the edge of war exhausts him greatly. Humans and Fae never mix, no matter how hard they try to reconcile the kingdoms.

are they happy in their current living situation? why or why not? Honestly? No. The small hut feels welcoming and warm but Rennie feels he’d feel much better being in another country. Being at NRC for semesters gives him that escape from the reality.

do they like living alone or with another person / other people? Other people for sure!

did they go to college, or are they attending? did / do they like it? Not yet.

what’s their dream job / profession? do they have one? Rennie would love to be a teacher for incantations and potions.

if they could control one thing in the world, what would it be? I have no idea kdfjkdfj maybe how people get along? He’d never want wars again.

do they like tv shows or movies? or neither? Rennie doesn’t mind movies, though he really only watches them at school with friends.

do they have social media? do they like it or hate it? obsess over it? Rennie has a Magicame however, he barely knows how to use it.

do they have a creative outlet? if so, what is it? Sewing!!! Rennie loves making clothes and blankets in his free time.

where do they see themselves in 2 / 5 / 10 years? 2 years he hopes to be a great 3rd year student others can look up to. In 5 years he hopes to graduate NRC like his brother and make his family proud. In 10 years he hopes to be working his dream job and training his baby sister in magic alongside his parents.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #326

“life by life  /  waste to waste  /  i'm the harbinger: the master of decay”

When you get married what do you think you’ll put most of your focus and money into? Do you mean like, for the wedding? Probably the venue. Or possibly the photographer. Have you ever had a teacher that also taught your parents? No. What’s something you complain about frequently? My legs. Are you afraid of falling in love? Very. Are you close to any of your aunts/uncles? Not very. Do you hate it when people smoke around you? Very much so. Do you own anything that is special edition? Yeah, things like DVDs. Do you have any funky bookmarks? I have this one meerkat bookmark where the image moves when you tilt it. Did you ever watch Pokemon? Hell yeah I did. Are there more females or males in your family? Females. Does anyone in your family snore loudly? My mom does due to having gerd. Dad did too when I actually lived with him. I wouldn't know nowadays. Do you own a camera tripod? Yes. Did you ever believe in mermaids? No. Have you ever purchased alcohol? Yes. Any essential quirks/interests/other you look for in a boyfriend/girlfriend/partner? Similar interests, like being a metal fan and gamer especially, as well as a serious animal lover for sure. Any romantic gestures you really like? Okay if someone did that little bow thing while reaching out for my hand to dance, I'd melt, lol. I also appreciate love interests holding open doors, SHOWING INTEREST IN HOW I FCKN FEEL, asking permission before doing anything in sexual exploration, stuff like that. Any sexual fantasies? Are you daring enough to share one? Yep, not sharing those lmfao. Have you ever been in love? Twice. What is your favorite/least favorite word? My favorite is "serendipity/serendipitous," and my least favorite is "retarded." Have you ever been skinny dipping? No. If I actually had a body I was confident in, I probably would in privacy tho at night lmao. Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character? Oh yeah. What is your favorite thing to do? Probably RPing with my favorite OCs when I'm in a really creative mood and during a great scene. Did you go to your senior prom? Yeah, I did. Prom's honestly pretty damn overrated, but I did it and his senior prom anyway. It's the picking out a beautiful dress and taking pictures that I loved. What did you do after graduation? I don't remember. We probably went out to eat or something. Favorite home cooked meal growing up? Spaghetti. What item most embarrasses you to purchase? Nothing, really. Do you give cards to people for holidays or events? No. Name the coolest thing about one of your grandparents. Uhhhhh idk. Name two things you put whipped cream on? I hate the texture of whipped cream. Do you ever eat peanut butter straight from the jar? Sometimes if I want a snack but am trying to be healthy-ish, I'll eat just a scoop. What was the last pill you took for? Pain. Do you prefer your clothes loose or close fitting? Loose, 100%. Favorite thing you’ve ever painted? Meerkats grooming. I did it in high school on a large piece of burlap. Are there any songs that remind you of your mother? "Take It Like a Woman" by Alice Cooper, for one. How did your elementary school teachers describe you? Very smart, sweet, friendly, and nice. Game you were best at in PE/gym? Pf, none. Obsession from childhood? Dinosaurs and Pokemon. Best way for someone to bond with you? Let's talk about deep stuff regarding the world or about how awesome animals are. Top 5 favorite Vines? Oh boy. There are just way too many. I'll try to name a few: 1.) the "I can't find my berries" saga guy; 2.) *in drive-thru, asked what he would like to order* "I wanna FUCKIN DIE"; 2.) "i cOUldA DROPpeD my CroISSAnt"; 3.) "it's Wednesday, m'dudes"; 4.) "a d a m"; 5.) "I WON'T HESITATE, BITCH." God, I miss Vine. What is the first meme you remember seeing? Holy cow, I have no idea. Sci-fi, fantasy, or superheroes? Fantasy. Favorite tradition? Dressing up for Halloween, even though I don't do it anymore... Talent you’re proud of having? Writing. Favorite website from your childhood? Webkinz was unbeatable. I was obsessed. Any good luck charms? I don't believe in those. Favorite potato food? French fries. Tell me the color of your eyes, without using the name of a color: Uhhhh a cloudy sky right before rain? Ever been through a goth phase? Goth is my fucking AESTHETIC. I wish I could afford a truly gothic wardrobe, because you bet your sweet ass it's all I'd wear out. Can you remember your first phone? If so, what kind was it? I think so? It was a Blueberry, I believe. Who is your favourite character from Alice in Wonderland? Obviously the Cheshire cat. What is your favorite type of YouTube video to watch? Lately, it's been tarantula and snake channels/pet YouTubers. I still think my overall favorites are let's plays, but right now it's just stepping back a bit. What’s the next project you are excited to start? I have this pretty cool drawing I wanna do of a morbid meerkat doing a big toothy smile, doing a peace sign (but his fingers are syringes) with a crown blinking over his head. Inspired by the "Professional Griefers" lyric of "lab rat king." I just really wanna make it perfect and am procrastinating in fear of failing... Have you ever experienced a miracle? I don't think I believe in miracles. What are your top three names you like for a daughter? Alessandra, Justine, and Chloe, to name a few. Which did you like better: high school or college? High school, at least in most ways. What is the theme of your bedroom? It doesn't have a theme. My interests just kinda threw up everywhere, haha. Have you ever lived in a dorm? No. Were you raised religious? Yes. Do you do your own taxes, or do you hire a professional? I don't have to do taxes yet. What was the very first thing you ever saved up to buy with your own money? Venus was the first big thing, I think. Describe your favorite Christmas ornament: I don't know what that would be, honestly. We have so very many. What jobs did your parents have when you were growing up? Dad's always been a mailman, and he also had a second job as a carpenter for a while. Mom worked with special needs children at my elementary school as a teacher assistant. She also worked at the hospital at one point, doing some computer work. I don't remember her actual position. Are you taller than your mom? We're the same height. Would you marry someone if they were unable to have sex? Sure, that's not a big deal to me. Last reason you went to the ER? For myself, a suicide attempt/overdose. What was the last word document you typed? This survey, actually, so I could save progress as I combine them. What’s something you don’t think people take seriously enough? Global warming. Have you ever dated someone who had a child from a previous relationship? No. Is there any drama currently going on with your family? No. What was the last fruit or vegetable you chopped/sliced up? An apple. I wanted apple slices with peanut butter. What is your favorite Hostess/Little Debbie snack? Holy SHIT that is impossible. Maybe the devil cakes, but I really don't know. I love most of them. Do you/your family buy loaf from the bakery or bagged on the shelf? Bagged. White, wheat or other? Mom buys white bread, but my favorite is pumpernickel. What was the last non-fiction book you’ve read? (Not a school textbook!): I ain't got a clue. I don't really read non-fiction. What color are your headphones/earbuds? These are blue. Would you be embarrassed to find out you snored loudly in public? Yep. Thankfully, I don't snore. Do you feel guilty about killing bugs? Yep. How do you feel about coconut? Not a fan. ^ Ever cracked one open? Ha, I've always wanted to. Who did you last worry about and why? My mom. She's getting a CT scan ASAP due to chronic headaches and stomach pain, so I'm worried her cancer might be re-emerging. When was the last time you ate/drank something gross just to be polite? I don't know; I struggle to do this. If I don't like something, my face shows it. I can't help it. When did you last make up a baby’s bottle? Never. Do you have any framed black & white photos in your home? Who are they of? No. What’s the most expensive thing your car needed to get done? N/A If you had a thousand dollars to spend on a pricey brand you like but can’t really afford (until now of course), which ONE brand would you chose? I don't know. Real talk, I find most luxury brands to sell pretty ugly stuff... Do you like candy canes? Yeah. Do you still talk to any of your old teachers? Yes; one is my landlord. What color was the dress you wore to your senior prom? It was black. Ever go to another school’s prom? No. Do you like burning candles or incense? I love incense. Do you ever venture into the woods? What do you normally do in there? When I used to live in the woods, I did every now and then to take pictures. Does your significant other ever make you mix CDs? Single, but that would be so romantic. /swoons How did you dress your freshman year of high school? I was this emo/metalhead/goth creature. What is the best present you have ever received? My dog Teddy. <3 What is the best present you have ever given? I put the most effort into a scrapbook thing of well over a hundred reasons I loved my then-boyfriend Jason. Even though we're done, I honestly hope he still has it, just to remember. What is the best surprise you have ever had? Sara's parents paying for a flight up there to be with Sara for her birthday. Have you ever been robbed? No, thankfully. Ever kiss someone on the first date? No. Ever sleep with someone on the first date? Definitely a nope. Ever give someone a wrong phone number on purpose? No. What’s the strangest thing you have ever witnessed firsthand? I have no idea. It's... very morbid, but possibly dogs twitching after being euthanized. Seeing Teddy do it was such a strange, painful experience. Like there was still life in there... even though I know it was just his nerves doing their final hoorah and he was already dead. Ever seen a psychiatric ward? I've been in a mental hospital five or six times, so I'm uncomfortably familiar with them. What is the last thing you did that you didn’t want to do? Group therapy. I'm really burning out on it. Thankfully, I don't have it on the weekends. What is the last thing you convinced someone else to do? I dunno. If you could live in a different time, would you? When? Nah. Do you prefer to sleep alone or with someone else? Sleeping alone is more comfortably physically, but I usually prefer sleeping with a partner because there's this amazing feeling of safety, love, and companionship. How many pillows do you sleep with? Two. Do you prefer cold air and blankets, or warm air and no blankets? Cold air and blankets by ten miles. I can't sleep if I'm even remotely hot. How often do you dust? Sigh, not as much as I need to. What is the most "extreme" activity you have ever done? I haven't done very much that fits that description... so idk. Dr. Pepper or root beer? Dr. Pepper. I hate root beer. Last room you cleaned? Mine. Last thing you did that made you feel like an adult? Checked into the doctor's office by myself, haha... Talk about sad. What’s your favorite picture of your mom? Dad? It's not my business to actually share those pictures, but I can describe them. I fucking ADORE this candid photograph I took of my mom laughing; I will forever cherish it. It's morbid to think about, but it's absolutely a picture I'll frame of her once she's passed away. I don't have many pictures of Dad, but I do really like this picture we took together at Red Lobster once. Are you subscribed to anything (Magazines, monthly boxes, streaming sites, etc.)? Mom pays an Adobe Creative Cloud photography bundle subscription for me, but that's it. Last TV show series you finished? Fullmetal Alchemist with Sara. It was a rewatch for me, but she'd never seen it. What’s something exciting that’s happened to one of your friends recently? A childhood friend got engaged a few days back. Do you have any board games? If so, where do you keep them? We have a few somewhere. What were the last things you glued together? I don’t recall. What are your friends’ pets’ names? I'll just use Sara here since she's my best friend. She has two family dogs, Buster and Beesly, a cat named Winter, four ball pythons named Martha, Crowley, Little Dot, and Jane Marie, and Doris, a bearded dragon that I personally adore most. :') What all did you do today? I played World of Warcraft early this morning, but not for very long. I've been in a phase of being very uninterested in it lately. I've mostly just done surveys... lots of surveys. I'm just in the mood to. I've also been listening to music and watching John Wolfe play Amnesia: Rebirth periodically. If you live in a house, how many floors does it have? If you live in an apartment building, how many units does it have? It's just one floor. Would you like to live in a world with mythical creatures, even if they turned out to be evil or dangerous? Honestly... I probably would, haha. Are you scared of heights? Yes. When was the last time you lost something of great sentimental value? Did you ever end up finding it again? Never, I think and hope. What food do you find to be the most filling? Is this something you eat a lot of? Eggs or oatmeal. Not really. What do you think of people who purposefully train their dogs to fight or to be aggressive? They're fucking garbage human beings. If you suffer/have suffered with acne, do you squeeze your spots or do your best to just leave them be? Ugh, I was so bad (and still am if something pops up) about picking at it. Does your father have any hobbies? What are they? Sure. He loves sports, fishing, idk if he still plays video games, fantasy football... and I can't forget playing with his grandkids. It's hard for me to know all of them when I don't live with him and see him rarely. What did the last face mask you wore look like? It was just a white cotton one. Is there a specific song that you always request at parties? What is it? I don't go to parties. Would you rather read poetry or write poetry? Write it. Have you ever had any really infected injuries? I've had infected piercings as well as a badly infected pilonidal cyst. Is there any band out there that you like every song by them? No. Are you popular on any websites? No. What was the last song you listened to? Aaaaand now I'm hooked on "NIHIL" by 3TEETH. Are you currently texting anyone right now? No. When was the last time you played jump rope? Yikes, probably not since I was a kid. I used to love it. Who was the last person you offended? I dunno. What’s the earliest you’ve ever had to wake up for work? Not early. Do you know anyone who has changed their first name? I know trans people who have, yes. Do you know anyone who has been on life support and survived? No. At least, I don't believe so. Do your parents have a strong relationship together? They're divorced, and Mom at least can't stand him. Dad doesn't really care. Do you ever feel like you’re sharing too much about yourself online? Oh, I absolutely used to. I still might, idk. I've tried to reel it back some. How many windows are in the room you’re in? Eight, but they're just small, vertical rectangles stacked together, so it's not as revealing as it sounds. What was the last necklace you wore? My spiked choker, I think, for pictures. Or maybe the one I have with a bunch of big silver skulls. Do you think there are more dimensions than what we’re able to perceive? I don't think so, no. Does anyone in your family have schizophrenia? My half-sister on Dad's side that I've never met. Have you ever been in an abandoned house? A shack, yeah. Do you like art? I positively adore it. I could NOT imagine life without it. How about theatre? I don't care for it. Have you ever made breakfast for someone? Yes, for Sara. Do you talk to your crush? If you have one. Yeah, she's my best fren. If yes, what do you usually talk about? Nowadays I ask her almost daily how she's doing in regards to her progress of recovering from both serious physical and mental stressors. I try to always be an available ear if she ever wants to vent. Would you rather read or watch a video about something? Watch a video. In what ways have you fulfilled some of the hopes and dreams you had as a teenager? I've fulfilled none of those. What’s one stressful thing you’ve been trying to deal with lately? How have you been dealing with it? Inexplicable, chronic boredom/serious anhedonia. I've just... put up with it. I get pleasure out of essentially nothing most days, and it sucks big time. I just try to distract myself and force myself to do things I usually love, though I've been bad about actually succeeding in making me do said stuff... Is there a regional chain of store/restaurant/etc. in your area that you feel very loyal to? MOTHERFUCKIN BOJANGLE'S, BITCH. You think YOU have good fries somewhere? Oh hunny, sit down. Oftentimes, people warn us against getting tattoos or body modifications or dying our hair unnatural colors because we could be judged poorly for them. But has a more “alternative” look ever worked out in your favor? Well, I like myself better with my piercings and tattoos, and that's all that really matters to me. Do you have any daily routine/habit of that you’re really proud of keeping up? No. .-. Pick one of the following activities to do in a forest (assume you would be equally good at each one of these): Foraging for mushrooms, identifying trees, searching for specific types of bugs, trying to build something out of fallen branches and logs. Searching for bugs w/ my camera!!! But that all sounds fun. What’s the hardest class you’ve ever taken? My most recent math course that I failed horribly.

[shitihaveheardatwork]

Hello, and welcome back to librarianship (Part 2)

The drive over to work is uneventful. I’m blasting Coffins’ Beyond the Circular Demise. It’s not related to librarianship at all, it’s just what’s in the CD player. Google has decided that the most direct route involves zig-zagging through neighborhoods, and New England seems to abhor qualitative street signage, so I have to pull a few legally dubious u-turns, but ultimately I pull into the lot just as the clock in my car strikes the top of the hour.

The director, my new boss, is waiting by the door, antsy to let me in. We’ll call him Wallace, for no better reason than that he had a kilt on and Wallace is a good Scottish name. He is very pleasant, but also very hurried.

He also seems to be trying to achieve some sort of new employee speedrun, because within the first minute a ring of keys is in my hand and a nametag is on my chest. He gives me a tour of the building and what keys go where, before setting me at a computer terminal to set up my employee email.

Along the way, he only slows down to sigh and regret the state of libraries during COVID. “This room is where we... (sigh) under normal conditions this is the room where we would,” and so on in that fashion. He also mentioned that as long as I’m six feet away from other employees, my mask was optional. Uh...

He seems to have a bit of a cavalier attitude about the epidemic. “Efficiency versus paranoia,” was a phrase that came up at one point. So was “we’ve had diseases like this before.” I find it off-putting and a bit of a yellow flag, but I also don’t know how many thousands of COVID meetings with city employees he’s been in, or what sort of bureaucratic hassles he’s been through. I’ll keep an eye on that though.

He asks if I’m familiar with the Evergreen software, I say yes, and he says “well that was pretty much the rest of the training I had so you’re good to go.” And then he’s out the door, to go help another branch he’s also in charge of. [redacted] resources must be thin if they’re making a director run multiple locations.

So at that point it’s just me and Lisa. She’s normally a supervisor at a different branch and is only here to help out with odds and ends. It’s only by coincidence that she’s here on my first day.

She’s nice enough. We have the same degrees (history and MLS), and she’s got all the hot poop on the town going back decades. She’s also got a few fun stories about her own adventures in librarianship. I like her, I hope she doesn’t say or do something fucked up at some point.

My only tasks today are reshelving and answering the phones. Lisa doesn’t get up from her desk and therefore is quickest on the phone draw, so I’m able to reshelve at my leisure. There’s only a single cart of books, but it’s got a mix of everything on it so I get to familiarize myself with all the sections.

There’s the usual stuff; fiction, non-fiction, large print, DVDs, board books, chapter books, young adult fiction, and even a graphic novels section. There’s also some stuff I’ve never seen before like an “urban fiction” section. It’s entirely by black authors about black characters in an urban environment. Some of it is romance, a lot of it is gangster crime fiction.

My feelings on this are mixed, so I decide to get more information and ask Lisa about the history of the section.

She’s got no idea, and neither does anybody else. Everyone, including the director, is new.

It turns out that in the previous year, the entire branch staff quit simultaneously. It was something relating to COVID, but Lisa either didn’t have the details or didn’t want to share them. As a result, there’s a huge knowledge gap about a lot of features of the library.

Why are there color-coded stickers on certain books all over the library? Who knows. 

What’s this one cart full of DVDs doing in the back? Who knows.

Why is there a gospel music section and a christian music section? Who knows. There’s also about 40 “Now That’s What I Call Music” CDs. I’ll have to see if anyone actually borrows those because if not they’re going straight to hell.

It doesn’t look like there’s been much weeding under the (relatively) new leadership. It also doesn’t look like anyone’s checked where stuff is getting shelved either. Some Harry Potter is in young adult, some is in juvenile/childrens fiction. Problems like that.

As I reshelved the cart contents, I caught myself looking out the window and wistfully thinking “is this really what I did all that school for? This is what I want to do with my life?”

And then I checked my phone and realized I’d been shelving for three fast meditative hours.

It totally is. I fucking love this shit.

While reshelving I totally familiarized myself with the DVD and CD racks, alphabetized most of the graphic novels, began making notes for recommendations, and found a Moomin book which I quietly checked out without Lisa noticing. And I had a blast the whole time.

Incidentally, that Moomin book isn’t even ours! It’s got a different library’s name stamped on the frontispiece. How did this even get here? Why was I able to check it out?? Did this place have a different name not too long ago?

Guess I’ll find out. I go back in Wednesday.

[lovelyirony]

This Might as Well Happen

“So let’s let things come out of the woodwork/I’ll give you my best side, tell you all my best lies” Homemade Dynamite, Lorde 

Tony was a curious little shit ever since he could remember. He remembers trying to sneak into the meeting rooms when Dum-Dum Dugan and Peggy Carter would meet with Dad. (He failed at this because he never really learned how spies actually gathered information.) 

His knowledge was highly encouraged by tutors that could never keep up and Jarvis, who would buy him the most obscure books he could. 

(“Jarvis, this book is in Japanese!” 

“Are you saying you can’t figure it out?” 

“Well, no...”) 

And now this has royally screwed him over because he’s still figuring out how he’s hacking into shit and he just found...something. 

The thing about computers and him is that Tony understands computers on a level most don’t. Hell, he’s built most of the systems that he knows to be better than the commercially available ones. 

This is how he figures out that there’s a hit out on his parents. For the night that he said he wasn’t going to go to because “it was super lame” and the fact that Howard’s already disappointed in him and he’d rather not try to awkwardly bond with him in public because that’s what people expect from him. 

But now he has to go. 

Which sucks, by the way. Because he’s not telling his parents that they’re going to be killed because that’s just...Howard wouldn’t believe him and Mama would probably wring her hands out of their sockets and ring up the president or some shit like that. 

Besides, it’s easy to change what’s going to happen, even if he is only a young adult or however you categorize a twenty year old. 

He simply updates the file. It’s not like anyone can tell, especially when the system that the organization is using was mainly designed by him with minimal input from other sources. 

He says that the Stark family will be leaving at midnight, even though the function carries on much later and his parents often like to stay out quite a bit later than midnight. 

Tony then tells them that he’s decided to go. 

“Why?” Howard asks suspiciously. “You said it yourself that this was supposedly ‘the most boring thing you would ever be doing’.” 

“Teenagers change minds all the time,” Tony says with a shrug. “And it’s not the most boring thing I could be doing. I could be asking Beatriz in accounts how she files paperwork.” 

Tony’s not even surprised that his dad doesn’t know all of his employees. He hires a lot of people, but still. 

“Please wear the shirt I’ve laid out on your bed,” mama pleads to him. “Please. Don’t let it be like last time.” 

“And here I was thinking you liked that I wore a rock t-shirt with a suit.” 

“You looked a mess, darling.” 

“That’s a trend now, mama.” 

“Not for my boy.” 

“Okay, fine. I won’t wear it. By the way, I’m taking a separate car. Just don’t want to be stuck there when you and dad decide to talk to someone for, like, three hours.” 

(He still wears plaid pants. His mother hates him for it.) 

As he’s watching the party, he’s kind of amazed at how much he knows. 

Mama and Howard are having a good time at the gala. So good, in fact, that they don’t notice at midnight when Tony switches keys and takes Howard’s car. 

He doesn’t know what the fuck he’s doing, honestly. He just knows that Howard drives like he wishes he was a turtle and his mama refuses to drive anywhere. 

There’s a motorcycle behind him, and Tony counts on them thinking that he’s Howard. 

And then he turns left. 

- 

Hydra doesn’t know what the hell is happening. They’ve gotten too confident--no one was in the gala or investigated Howard before any of this. He should never have made a left turn 

But Winter Soldier is hunting him down. And Winter Soldier never misses a target. 

...right? 

- 

Tony’s currently panicking and also the Beatles are on the radio--which is weird, by the way, it’s not even a well-known song--and he’s trying to outmaneuver a motorcyclist who has a gun and has fired it once, the bullet whizzing into the front glass and cracking it. 

He has a crazy idea. Well, it’s not the craziest you could have. He could’ve flown the car off a ditch and tried to jump out the window. But he can’t keep turning forever and he can’t keep ducking his head to try to avoid shots that are a little too close to his head to ignore. 

He brakes and he brakes hard. The guy runs into the car, falls, and Tony gets out and runs for it. 

That’s stupid. Very stupid. And it wasn’t supposed to happen. 

None of this was supposed to happen. 

Disoriented and confused, Winter Soldier sits up and tries to refocus on the target. 

Even if he just smashed his head against a bumper and shit, was that a dent? That was definitely a dent, Winter Soldier knew one thing: that that wasn’t the target, and somewhere along the way something got messed up. 

Hydra didn’t know that Howard and Maria were safely exiting the gala at two in the morning and grumbling about taking Tony’s entirely-too-showy vehicle that had the volume blasting and music that was too vulgar for both of their tastes the only sort of music that was programmed into the radio stations or on the CDs of music that were stuffed in the passenger side-door. 

Hydra didn’t know that they were going to have to deal with, mainly because Tony’s a gigantic asshole who knows more than them but also doesn’t know how he’s going to break the news to his parents that they might die? 

He honestly might just make himself a target for them. 

But he also needs to figure out how to shut down Hydra because clearly Cap going down into the ice didn’t just automatically fix it all. 

-

This involves going to SHIELD. And then as he approaches the building, realizing that the only reason he found out about Hydra is because he hacked into SHIELD databases mainly because he just wanted to see what it was like and if he could get into the deeper encryption is because they were probably a part of the organization. 

Tony sighs to himself. This means changing literally everything about his life. 

Honestly, he wishes he hadn’t even discovered this because he has this sense of “something needs to be done” and he just does not care for that shit at all. 

Except he does. 

So instead he calls Rhodey. 

“Only you could ruin Christmas,” Rhodey grumbles. “I’ll meet you at the coffeeshop. I hate you for this.” 

“I know, love you too,” Tony says. “Fate of the world depends on it or whatever.” 

Rhodey has no idea why he’s friends with this crazy fucking millionaire kid, but they meet at a coffee shop and Tony’s wearing plaid pants, the shirt is dissheveled, and he says that he ditched a car and took the subway. 

“Wow, good for you,” Rhodey teases. “Taking the subway like us commoners.” 

They don’t say anything for a beat. 

“Get your coffee. We’re taking a walk.” 

“At three a.m.? Seriously?” 

“Short walk. Don’t be such a baby about it.” 

They get coffee and start walking. Tony links arms with him. 

“So you remember learning about Hydra when you were a kid?” 

“Eh, somewhat. Something about being an offshoot of Nazism?” 

“Not...exactly. They were more of supportive of the Nazi agenda and the Nazis were chill with that. No, they were more proactive on world domination and making sure that they also overpowered the universe or whatever. Yeah, they’re still here.” 

“...fuck. Well, what do you want to do about it?” 

That’s what Tony appreciates about Rhodey. He’s just ready to kick ass whenever. 

“I can’t talk to SHIELD about it. So I’m gonna try to do it with some people outside of it. You ready to infiltrate Stark Industries with extra employees?” 

“Oh my god, so you’re actually gonna take the company at twenty-one instead of letting Obie do it?” 

“Yes, unfortunately. Our trip to Cabo will have to wait.” 

“To be completely honest with you, I didn’t want to go anyway.” 

“Rhodey, you bitch. I even had a good place to stay and everything!” 

“Doesn’t matter now, sweetheart,” Rhodey says, smiling. “Now we have to hire people before SHIELD does.” 

-

It takes a while. Tony has to go to MIT and take business classes for credit (barf) and look at other, scarier parts of the internet. 

He and Rhodey also keep practicing fighting after-hours and Tony’s pretty sure that he could create a flight-suit if he so desired. 

(And if his projects for engineering would Stop Being Due All the Time, things would be better.) 

They meet a girl named Pepper Potts who’s trained in ballet, could kick God’s ass and have God apologize, and was looking at recruitment at SHIELD or joining a sorority. 

“Or, there’s a better option,” Tony adds. “Taking down an organization that’s a conspiracy thread on Reddit with surprisingly solid evidence.” 

“You’re making this sound worse,” Rhodey says with a snort. “Listen, Pepper. We’re going to take down an organization that people say doesn’t exist. Tony survived an attack from an assassin that technically probably should be dead. It’ll go on your resume and you legally could never be fired ever or else it would be all over the news and you would ruin a company without contributing to it. Join or lose the opportunity.” 

“I’m in.” 

“Rhodey, I hate you,” Tony pouts. 

Rhodey is barely over twenty-one and trying to figure out how to tell his superior officer that he should stay at home when he had expressed overseas interest, Pepper’s just celebrated her twentieth birthday and has five cents in her bank account, and Tony’s only nineteen and forgot how to spell ‘experience’ on more than one occasion. 

They’re gonna take over the world. 

[thomas-mvller]

Tag games x 283129

Hello everyone so uh lately i've started to be more active on my music sideblog which means i've been hearting stuff like crazy for the past couple of months aka all the things i've been tagged in has been buried under all that nonsense SO because i hate leaving things undone i thought on doing them all at once and tagging a bunch of people so they can get a little distraction by doing them (as in, not all of them but whichever they might want to do)

Again: you do not have to do all of them, not even one if you don't feel like doing so! there's a game for everyone so hey!

Tagging: @havertsz @foreverbayern @germanynts @sherlockisonfire @debushit @sadiiomane10 @miasanmuller @elishamanning @abcde-fc @bbjim @littletentaclemonster @tamtam-elizabeth @minimalloss @pearfight and whoever wants to do this! if you see it, consider yourself tagged >:))

Alright, here we go:

1) I was tagged by @/tamtam-elizabeth and @/sadiiomane10 to post a capture of my lockscreen, homescreen and last song i listened to. Thank you both <3

I used to be very annoying when it came to changing my lock/homescreen so now i just don’t do that often anymore (previous to that my homescreen was a pic of lfc winning ucl OBVIOUSLY) also i haven’t really been listening to music lately but i did have a depeche mode phase like two weeks ago and this was the song i replayed the most so hey!

///

2) “Get to know me” tag

Tagged by the always thoughtful @/tamtam-elizabeth , thank you and i’m sorry for taking so long ;-; <3

Name: Cloud

Birthday: sometime in november

Zodiac Sign: scorpio

Height: 5′4′’ or 1.65 (last time i checked..... which was like seven years ago)

Hobbies: lately it has been sewing facemasks 😂 that aside i like watching movies, random videos on yt, baking and crafting sometimes

Favorite colors: black, red and teal

Favorite Book: don’t think i have one :o

Last Song Listened to: barrel of a gun by depeche mode

Last Movie Watched: currently watching prince of egypt. if that doesn’t count then ben hur 😂

Inspiration or Muse: i really don’t know what to say here 😂

Dream Job: i still haven’t given up to my goal but at this point i just want a job that gives me stability and zero worries

Reason Behind my URL: Thomas Müller (German pronunciation: [ˈtoːmas ˈmʏlɐ]; born 13 September 1989) is a German professional footballer who plays for Bundesliga club Bayern Munich. A versatile player, Müller plays as a midfielde- okay no in all seriousness yess this url is bc of a football player 😂

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3) Ten songs playlist tag

Tagged by the joy that is @/foreverbayern and the always sweetest @/havertsz . thank youuuuu <3

Rules: We’re snooping through your playlist. Put your entire music library on shuffle and list the first 10 songs and then choose 10 victims.

Some months ago I made the mistake of transfering the songs i had in my old computer to my current laptop and there are some stuff that just........ should not be acknowledged so i can’t do shuffle HOWEVER i will choose ten random songs i’ve listened to/discovered this year (technically speaking is the same) so here it is:

art-i-ficial by x-ray spex

sunny afternoon by the kinks

desire lines by lush

paper cuts by incubus

pure love by hayley williams

spirit by bauhaus

no one knows by screaming trees

let’s love by suho

all we need is a dream by cheap trick

cosmonauts by fiona apple

bonus: you’re so close by peter murphy (god i adore this song)

I wouldn’t be surprised if these aren’t your cup of tea tbh 😂

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4) “Core aesthetic” tag

Tagged by @/havertsz - i’m sorry for the delay ;-; and thank you <3

rules: search your name + "core aesthetic" on pinterest, get a moodboard & select a few photos that come up

i can’t really use pinterest so i googled it instead, as you might’ve guessed this is what i got 😂

ps: i’ve been informed not to use pinterest so if you wish follow this post’s indications

ah this is so pretty, i loved doing this!

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5) 

Tagged by @/germanynts @/havertsz and @/elishamanning to do this tag, thank you all <3

rules: describe yourself with pictures you already have saved. no downloading or searching for new ones. then tag 10 people.

if you want further explanations for each pic... ask ahead 😂

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6) “bold what applies” tag

Tagged by the always enJoyable @/foreverbayern, thank yoooou <3

rules: bold what applies to you and tag a bunch of people

- Appearance

I am over 5’5 // I wear glasses/contacts // I have blonde hair // I prefer loose clothing over tight clothing // I have one or more piercings (had three...) // I have at least one tattoo // I have blue eyes // I have dyed or highlighted my hair // I have gotten plastic surgery // I have or had braces // I sunburn easily // I have freckles // I paint my nails // I typically wear makeup // I don’t often smile // I am pleased with how I look  // I prefer Nike to Adidas // I wear baseball caps backwards

- Hobbies and interests

I play a sport // I can play an instrument // I am artistic // I know more than one language // I have won a trophy in some sort of competition // I can cook or bake without a recipe // I know how to swim // I enjoy writing // I can do origami // I prefer movies to tv shows // I can execute a perfect somersault // I enjoy singing // I could survive in the wild on my own // I have read a new book series this year // I enjoy spending time with my friends // I travel during school or work breaks // I can do a handstand

Relationships

I am in a relationship // I have been single for over a year // I have a crush  // I have a best friend I have known for ten years // my parents are together // I have hooked up with my best friend // I am adopted // My crush has confessed to me // I have a long-distance relationship // I am an only child // I give advice to my friends // I have made an online friend // I met up with someone I have met online

- Aesthetic

I have heard the ocean in a conch shell // I have watched the sunrise // I enjoy rainy days // I have slept under the stars // I meditate outside // the sound of chirping calms me // I enjoy the smell of the beach // I know what snow tastes like // I listen to music to fall asleep (i did that for a long time and i sicnerely don’t recommend it) // I enjoy thunderstorms // I enjoy cloud watching // I have attended a bonfire (quick story time: one time when i was 12 my friends and i sneaked into our seniors’ school anniversary activities and they lit this huge bonfire near the football field, it was nuts) // I pay close attention to colours // I find mystery in the ocean (spoopy shit) // I enjoy hiking on nature paths // Autumn is my favourite season

- Miscellaneous

I can fall asleep in moving vehicles // I am the mom friend // I live by a certain quote(s) // I like the smell of sharpies // I am involved in extracurricular activities // I enjoy Mexican food // I can drive a stick-shift // I believe in true love // I make up scenarios to fall asleep // I sing in the shower // I wish I lived in a video game // I have a canopy above my bed // I am multiracial // I am a redhead // I own at least 3 dogs

///

my god this is getting embarassing i had stuff long due ;-;

7) 

Tagged by @/tamtam-elizabeth. think you for thanking on me when doing tag games, i mean it :-: <3

How old are you?: 24

Surgeries?: one

Tattoos?: none yet ://

Ever hit a deer?: i have never seen one so... no 😂

Sang karaoke?: yeah... years ago 😂

Ice skated?: nope

Ridden a motorcycle?: had the chance but nope

Ridden in an ambulance?: nope

Skipped school?: a handful of times

Stayed in a hospital?: for a few hours

Broken bones?: nope

Last phone call?: i haven’t called anyone in ages 😂

Last text from?: my mom

Pepsi or coke?: coke but i don’t mind having pepsi

Favorite pie?: haven’t had one

Favorite pizza?: chorizo + corn + red pepper

Favorite season?: autumn

Received a ticket?: don’t even know how to drive

Favorite color?: black, red and teal

Sunset or sunrise?: both!

Favorite Christmas song?: don’t think i have one, maybe universe by exo?

Cupcakes or cookies?: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh good q, cookies?

///

8) “find your match” tag game

Tagged by @/tamtam-elizabeth, you’re allowed to punch me in the face at this point

Rules:

Take the test

Reblog this post with what type you got

Tag 7 mutuals to do the same!

I got the Dreamer and my ideal partner would be The Innovator ?)

Seek out opportunities to collaborate with INNOVATOR types, who combine your lofty idealism with a focus on pragmatic solutions. The grounding energy of the INNOVATOR can inspire you to apply your imagination to real-world change.

that’s deep fam 😂 but okay!

///

9) “get to know me tag”

Tagged by: @/littletentaclemonster . thank you and sorry for the delay ;-; <3

nickname: cloud zodiac: scorpio height: 5′4″ / 1.65 last movie I saw: can you believe i managed to watch another thing while making this? anyway it was The celluloid closet last thing I googled: block site extension favorite musician: as of right now? depeche mode song stuck in my head: you’re so close by peter murphy other blogs: @/brltpop and @/s-lay-ing amount of sleep: as long as i can get (usually 7 or 8) lucky numbers: don’t think i have one dream job: whatever gives me stability what am I wearing: pajamas  favorite food: chinese, mexican and italian language: which ones do i know? spanish and english somewhat. i want to learn japanese and german :c can I play an instrument: nope favorite song: atm is YOU’RE SO CLOSE (8) random fact: my nails usually grow sort of square except for my thumb and index fingers, they grow round for whatever reason describe yourself in aesthetic things: ?????????? idk man, messy room? loose clothes? football? cd’s on a shelf, posters on the walls ?????

///

MY GOD WHY AM I LIKE THIS????????? 

10)

Tagged by @/littletentaclemonster you too can punch me in the face

Rules: Bold the statements that apply to you, italicize your aspirations, then tag nine people.

AIR: I have small hands • I love the night sky • I watch small animals and birds when I pass them by • I drink herbal tea • I wake to see dawn • The smell of dust is comforting • I’m valued for being wise • I prefer books to music • I meditate • I find joy in learning new truths from the world around me

FIRE: I don’t have straight hair • I like to wear ripped jeans • I play an organized sport  • I love dogs • I am not afraid of adventure • I love to talk to strangers • I always try new foods • I enjoy road trips • Summer is my favorite season • My radio is always playing

WATER: I wear bracelets on my wrists • I love the bustle of the city • I have more than one set of piercings • I read poetry • I love the sound of a thunderstorm • I want to travel the world • I sleep past midday most days • I love dimly lit diners and fluorescent signs • I rewatch kids’ shows out of nostalgia • I see emotions in colors not words

EARTH: I wear glasses/contacts • I enjoy doing the laundry • I am a vegetarian • I have an excellent sense of time • My humor is very cheerful • I am a valued advisor to my friends • I believe in true love • I love the chill of mountain air • I’m always listening to music • I am highly trusted by the people in my life

AETHER: I go without makeup in my daily life • I make my own artwork • I keep on track of my tasks and time • I always know true north • I see beauty in everything (sort of) • I can always smell flowers • I smile at everyone I pass by • I always fear history repeating itself • I have recovered from a mental disorder • I can love unconditionally

Water an aether huh, i don’t know what to do with this information 😂

/////////////

if you ask me i would very much appreciate it if you do the songs playlist tag bc i need recommendations thanks. Also massive apologies to the ones that were due since last year I had them in my drafts i swear!

Stay safe everyone :D

[thewritingstar]

1-200 we're all in quarantine so got nothing to do. Might as well ask pls

oo anon you were gonna ask anyways lol. But I did this hella quick during a zoom.....

1. What is your middle name?

-Rose

2. Do you have any nicknames that aren’t derived from your actual name?

-Star

2. Do you have any allergies?

-Penicillin (not really thou), but no

4. What is the longest your hair has ever been?

-Lower back

5. How well can you write in cursive?

-Its readable

6. Name one item on your bucket list.

-Going to all the Disney parks in the world

7. Have you ever been on a blind date?

-haven’t even been on a real date

8. What is the oldest piece of clothing you still wear and how old is it?

-prob like five years ago and its jeans

9. How often do you eat out at a fancy restaurant?

-nothing like I have to dress up but maybe once a year??

10. How grammatically correct are you when you text?

-rules don’t apply in text

11. Can you drive stick?

-hell no

12. What foreign country would you most like to visit and why?

-japan because I think it would be so cool

13. Nutella or peanut butter?

-NUTELLA

14. At what age did you have your first kiss?

-...............ahahhahahh

15. DC or Marvel?

-DC. Harley Quinn owns my ass

16. Have you ever hosted a wild party?

-my parties consist of drinking capri suns and playing cards against humanity and Mario kart

17. Name/author of the last book you read cover to cover. Do you recommend it?

-...ooof haven’t read a book in a while

18. How many of your Facebook friends do you actually hang with?

-my mom

19. Have you ever donated blood?

-I was apart of a cancer study so I used to donate my blood (and pee) to science

20. From 1-10, how much do you like decorating for holidays?

-8 I love to decorate but I’m not allow near the Christmas trees

21. Coffee or tea?

-vaniila iced lattes or raspberry ice tea own me

22. What is your go-to Starbucks drink?

-Vanilla bean frap with extra vanilla

23. Last show you binge watched?

-currently its assassination classroom

24. Dogs or cats?

-puppy’s

25. Favorite animated Disney character?

-Jessica Rabbit, Dumbo, Rey, Tamatoa and Guedo

26. Have you ever cooked a big family meal by yourself?

-mostly baking for my family

27. Favorite winter activity?

-Staying inside

28. Have you ever butt dialed anyone?

-probably

29. Can you blow a bubble gum bubble?

-yes

30. How early in the year do you start celebrating Christmas?

-my mom plays Xmas music year round

31. What emoji best describes your life right now?

-the wilting rose

32. Are you fluent in more than one language?

-nope

33. What is the longest you’ve ever kept a New Year’s resolution?

-I don’t make them

34. Have you ever successfully been on a diet? Did you gain any of the weight back?

-I’m on a diet to gain weight and its not going well

35. Are any of your grandparents still alive?

-only on my moms side

36. How good are you at communicating through facial expressions?

-hahaha my face gives everything away and I can read people pretty well

37. Have you ever gotten a commercial jingle stuck in your head?

-EDUCATION CONNECTION! Get connected for free

38. Have you ever left a movie theater before the movie was over?

-Nope

39. Do you consider rapping singing?

-rapping is in its own ballpark...its why its called rapping

40. Does your home have a fireplace?

Yep

41. Favorite non-chocolate candy?

-sour gummies worms

42. If you could have only one superpower, what would you want and why?

-oooof ummmmmm maybe teleportation

43. Have you ever locked your keys in your car?

44. Do you listen to any religious music?

-noooooooooo

45. Do you drink soda? If so, which one is your favorite?

-I hate soda

46. What was your ACT score?

-do not do me like this (21)

47. Rice or quinoa?

-rice

48. From 1-10, how good of a driver do you consider yourself?

-like an 8

49. Do you like horror movies?

-nope

50. How easily do you cry?

-uh depends on what it is

51. Do you have any tattoos? If so, of what and where?

-no but I want some

52. You are hanging with your closest friends. What are you most likely doing?

-being dumb and quoting tik toks at target

53. Can you handle spicy foods? What is your spice limit?

-not very well

54. Can you play any musical instruments? If so, which ones?

-no

55. Are you more introverted or extroverted?

-middle of the road

56. Last CD you bought?

-Folklore by Taylor Swift

57. Do you like roller coasters?

-yessss but they cant be extremely tall

58. What day of the week is laundry day for you?

-uhhh depends on when I have time

59. Have you ever played spin the bottle?

-uh maybe once but I was in fourth grade and walked away

60. How long have you known your best friend?

-I’ve known my bestie for 16 years (met when we were 4)

61. Can you eat using chopsticks?

-yes!! I usually eat my Chinese food with them

62. Do you have any stickers on your laptop computer? If so, what are they of?

-no because I need to get a case for my iMac and iPad

63. How often do you say y'all?

-every fucking day. Y’all is my go too

64. Favorite flavor of ice cream?

-cookie dough, pralines and cream, blue raspberry sherbert, vanilla, coffee

65. How long was your longest relationship? Are you still with that person?

-my longest relationship was like three weeks in fourth grade with my friends cousin who I saw twice

66. Star Trek or Star Wars?

-haven’t seen either but prob Star Wars cause r2d2 is cute

67. How good are you at math?

-ehhh I’m okay at stats

68. Have you ever acted in a play or a musical?

-used to do the plays in middle school :)

69. How often do you read/pay attention to your horoscope?

-not much my horoscope but just my sign in general

70. What is the shortest your hair has ever been?

-just above my shoulders

71. Have you ever broken any bones?

-my big toe

72. Do you like to go fishing?

-nooooooo I went fishing once and it pooped on me

73. Do you believe in evolution?

-of course

74. Favorite costume you wore for Hallowen? How old were you?

-I was perry the platypus…. 19

75. Real or fake Christmas trees?

-fake!!! WHO WANTS TO CLEAN THAT UP???

76. How many pillows do you sleep with?

-usually 1-2 but like 5 in the winter

77. Do you live in an apartment or a house?

-House rn

78. How many of your friends are of the opposite gender?

-in my close circle, one but I do have many boy homies

79. Have you ever had a near-death experience?

-many times

80. How long have you been at your current job?

-four weeks

81. What kind of car do you drive (year, brand, model, color)?

-white car

82. How flexible are you?

-not super but mama can bend

83. Have you ever ended a romantic relationship?

-haven’t even started one

84. Phrase you say the most?

-“I’m uncomfortable” “Y’all” “I would let J.D from heathers…..”

85. Have you ever kissed anyone of the same gender? If so, did you like it?

-no but I wish

86. Do you own any homemade clothing?

-not that I know of

87. Do you like fast food?

-yessss

88. Have you ever given anyone CPR?

-nope

89. Have you ever learned to do anything from a how-to video on YouTube?

-I fixed my moms glasses yesterday with a video so she wouldn’t have to spend a shit ton of money

90. Describe your sense of humor.

-if Always Sunny in Philadelphia and “vine comp that butters my eggroll” had a baby

92. Favorite cereal?

-no

93. Have you ever auditioned for a reality competition show?

-no

94. Have you ever gotten a TV theme song stuck in your head?

-Sugar, spice and everything nice, these were the ingredients…….

95. Do you believe in ghosts?

-indifferent

96. Do you think there is life on other planets?

-hell yeah

97. Have you ever given money to a street performer?

-yep

98. Your deepest fear?

-lets not go there

99. Pancakes or waffles?

-waffles but I don’t even like them that much

100. Are you still friends with anyone from high school?

-yep, my friend circle dates back to elementary

101. From 1-10, how good of a dancer do you consider yourself?

-7

102. How much of a patient person are you?

-I can be extremely patient. Once waited three hours in a dressing room with my friend and I didn’t have a phone

103. Do you know your IQ?

-no but its prob god level

104. Do you eat meat at all?

-mama loves meat

105. Do you own any clothes from a garage sale or a thrift store?

-I think so

106. Have you ever bought anything from a flea market?

-yess my mom used to take me to flea markets all the time

107. Have you ever quit a job?

-early this year

108. Have you ever gotten a song you dislike stuck in your head?

-many times

109. Any movie(s) you can watch over and over and over again and enjoy just as much each time?

-robots to ratatouille

110. Do you or have you ever worn glasses?

-just sun glasses

111. Have you ever skinny dipped?

-when I was like 6

112. Are your birth parents still together?

-yep

113. Have you ever been in the audience for the taping of a TV show?

-not that I know of

114. Favorite type of cookie?

-chocolate chip or the sugar cookies with the pink frosting on them (I’m a whore for them)

115. Have you ever been broken up with?

-nope

116. How often do you smile when getting your picture taken?

-most of the time

117. Have you ever accidentally dialed 911?

-yes I have and I was 6 and bullied for it for years by my uncle even though my cousins tricked me into doing it

118. Oldest memory?

-throwing a chair at a kid in preschool for stealing my cookie

119. Have you ever been the victim of a nasty prank?

-nope

120. How often do you snort when you laugh?

-uhhhh a lot

121. From 1-10, how good of a singer do you consider yourself?

-5

122. Favorite Disney song?

-uuuuuuhhh Shiny, See the Light, Why Don’t you Do Right, Show Yourself

123. Where do you see yourself 10 years from now?

-hopefully in la

124. What is your Myers-Briggs personality type?

-I’m an advocate

125. Have you ever had a fortune cookie fortune come true?

-I think so

126. Name one thing you wish people would stop posting on social media.

-fascist, racist, homophobia stuff

127. Last musical artist you saw live?

-Jonas brothers

128. Credit cards or cash?

-cash cause I feel like I didn’t spend anything

129. Favorite fandom?

-the powderpuff girls or fairy tail

130. What is your astrological sign?

-Aries

131. Have you ever been fired from a job?

-nope I’m a good noodle

132. Any hidden talents?

-I can do the cinnamon challenge

133. Can you surf?

-nope

134. What motivates you to do well in life?

-the fear of failure

135. Your worst physical feature?

-my acne

136. From 1-10, how much are you like your father?

-mehhhhhhhh like a 4

137. How lucky do you consider yourself?

-I’m a pretty lucky person ngl

138. Name a moment in your life when you were pleasently surprised.

-when I won a coffee maker at my senior grad night raffle

139. Have you ever been summoned for jury duty?

-nope

140. What type of shoes do you wear the most?

-my converse

141. Favorite summer activity?

-getting coffee

142. Favorite song to sing in the shower?

-any Taylor swift song

143. Have you ever lived with a roommate you did not get along with?

-my parents sometimes

144. Have you ever lived on a farm?

-my grandparents owned a cherry farm when I was little

145. Have you ever kept a diary or a journal?

-tumblr is my diary

146. TV show or movie you quote/reference the most?

-Always Sunny, The Office, Gotham

147. How often do you get mad at yourself?

-constantly

148. Have you ever gotten any stitches?

-only in animal crossing (he’s so cute)

149. Have you ever been hunting?

-no

150. Favorite YouTube channel?

-Jenna marbles, try guys, mukbang edit channel, drama channels

151. Have you ever had a pet besides a dog or a cat?

-I had a mouse once

152. From 1-10, how well do you work with others?

-9

153. Are you friends with any of your exes?

-I don’t got exes

154. Apple or PC?

-I have an Apple Mac rn but I think I loved my pc so much so I’m getting used to the format

155. Do you collect anything?

-what don’t I collect? Funko, pins, so much stuff

156. Have you ever seen any Broadway plays or musicals?

-I saw Newsies and A Music chorus

157. Any missed opporunites you wish you had taken?

-I’m not too sure

158. Have you ever uttered a spoken hashtag?

-yes

159. Do you have a pool at your house?

-nope

160. What is the longest you’ve gone without sleep?

-like 24 hours and it was hell

161. Last thing that made you laugh?

-a meme 20 sec ago

162. Disney or Nickelodeon?

-Disney

163. Name one celebrity you wish was still alive.

-Billy Mays (Oxyclean dude)

164. From 1-10, how much are you like your mother?

-maybe a 6

165. Your best physical feature?

-my hair

166. Earbud or earmuff headphones?

-earbud

167. Have you ever wished you were born the opposite gender?

-..hmmmm sometimes I think it would be cool but I’m pretty content with being a girl...

168. Do you have any piercings anywhere besides your ear lobes?

-my nose

169. How often do you wash your hair?

-every other day usually

170. Showers or baths?

-I love a good bath but I take showers more

171. Have you ever been a bridesmaid or a groomsman?

-noooo but I wanna be

172. Bottled or tap water?

-bottle

173. What was your favorite TV show when you were a kid?

POWERPUFF GIRLS

174. Any guilty pleasures you’re willing to discuss?

-watching glee

175. Favorite video game?

-Mario kart

176. Have you ever gotten a New Year’s kiss exactly at midnight?

-nooooo why are there so many questions about kissing

177. How many of the United States have you visited?

-four, ive passed over a few more in a plane

178. Have you ever given money to a homeless person?

-yes

179. Have you ever gotten a surgery?

-no

180. Your least favorite food?

-cheese

181. From 1-10, how competitive are you?

-depends. I’m like a 6 but I can be pushed to a 10 when motivated

182. Do you like wearing hats?

-only a snap back occasionally

183. How much of a jealous peron are you?

-ehh not really

184. What was your SAT score?

-900-1100 (stop nationwide testing doesn’t work and I didn’t learn eveything)

185. Have you ever voted for a reality competition show?

-no

186. Does anyone in your family currently serve in your country’s military?

-my cousin

187. Snowboarding or skiing?

-I don’t do snow

188. What celebrity would you most want to play you in a movie about your life?

-jack black

189. Have you ever been a Boy or Girl Scout?

-hell no

190. Have you ever dyed your hair?

-many times

191. From 1-10, how good of a cook do you consider yourself?

-7

192. You have just opened up a web browser. What is the first site you visit?

-this cursed site

193. How many things can you do with your weaker hand?

-a lot

194. Were you involved in any academic clubs in high school?

-honors i guess

195. Have you ever played hooky from school?

-like twice

196. Are you comfortable with watching rated R movies?

—-not with my parents

197. Do you root for any sports teams?

-bold of you to assume i do sport

198. First thing you do when you wake up in the morning?

-pee

199. If you could take home any one animal from the zoo, which one would you choose?

-a lizard

200. Tell something about yourself most people don’t know.

-uhhh ummmm (I have a tik tok with 7.5k followers) 

[eldritchsurveys]

862.

1. have you ever gotten soap in your mouth for cursing? do you think that’s right to do to kids who curse?: >> I did get soap in my mouth, but not for cursing; for “talking back” or being “fresh”, mostly. I was (understandably...) too afraid to do anything as brash as curse. I don’t think it’s an appropriate disciplinary measure at all, unless your mission is to confuse and frighten your child into obedience... which, apparently, is a lot of parents’ ultimate goal, it seems.

2. what age do you think is appropriate for kids to start watching horror movies with lots of gore?: >> I really don’t have a solid opinion about this. I tend to skew a little unorthodox on this front, which is probably best left unexplored (fortunately, this is all hypothetical and I’ll never have to address this situation in real life).

3. do you know what the word “polyamorous” means? and did you ever hear that song by breaking benjamin?: >> I know what it means, and I do remember the Breaking Benjamin song.

4. how many bug bites do you currently have?: >> Zero.

5. what’s one word you always have trouble spelling and can’t remember the correct spelling of?: >> I don’t think there’s any word like that. Spelling and phonics is one of my few strong suits.

6. what’s one band that really sucks live?: >> I don’t know, I haven’t seen any that I thought sucked performance-wise (I have seen a few whose music I just didn’t care for, like some opening acts, but that has nothing to do with the quality of their performance).

7. do you go to warped tour? why or why not?: >> I have never been to Warped Tour. I just never got an opportunity to go, or I was never interested, or whatever.

8. do you have any wind chimes outside your house? how many?: >> No. Some neighbours have them, I think.

9. do you know someone who actually had someone give them a bouquet of real roses and one fake one, and tell them they’ll love them until the last one dies?: >> I’ve never even heard of that.

10. which do you like better, firefox or internet explorer?: >> Firefox.

11. who is the most attractive person on your street?: >> ---

12. do you have a flat stomach? would you ever wear a belly shirt to show it off?: >> I no longer have a flat stomach, and you wouldn’t catch me dead in a crop top.

13. which do you prefer on yourself, long or short hair?: >> I like how I look with long hair, but I prefer the low maintenance of short hair. So, I buzz my head, and I wear wigs when I feel like it. Best of both worlds.

14. what about on your preferred sex? long or short?: >> ---

15. with eyebrow piercings, do you prefer the ring or the curved barbell?: >> I have no opinion.

16. have you ever pierced something yourself? why and what was it?: >> Yeah, I pierced my ears a few times. I did it because I wanted to? And also because I couldn’t afford to have them professionally done. I also did it when I was 16 because my father wouldn’t let me get a cartilage piercing, so I pierced my own ear at work one day. (My father eventually noticed because I put the most ridiculously obvious jewelry in it... hold on, I’m going to find a photo of what I’m talking about because like... what did I expect to happen)

looked something like that. I straight up deserved to get caught.

17. would you date someone who was five years older than you?: >> I don’t date, but that wouldn’t be a dealbreaker if I did.

18. i heard of a girl whose boyfriend cheated on her with a 13yearold (he’s 18) and got her pregnant, so she left him. what would you have done if you were in her situation?: >> I... just can’t imagine being in this situation, sorry.

19. how old was the youngest person you ever found attractive? and how old were you?: >> Oh, I don’t know. Probably not much younger than myself; my tastes always skewed older (oftentimes much older).

20. isn’t it annoying when you’re trying to start conversation with someone and all they say is “yup” or “really now” or something like that?: >> Not necessarily, unless they’re usually much more exuberant and participatory than that. Then I’d wonder if something was wrong (and if it was my fault).

21. if you have aim, do you have any linked screen names? how many?: >> ---

22. which of your favorite bands released a new album last?: >> I’m not sure.

23. are you waiting for any bands to release new albums? which ones?: >> No.

24. what’s your favorite store for buying cds and such at?: >> Back in the day when that was my primary mode of listening to music, my favourite music stores were Virgin Megastore and Tower Records. Ah, nostalgia.

25. what’s the point in buying dvds like “girls gone wild” and other porn if you can get tons more online for free?: >> Well, people generally do watch more porn online nowadays, I think. But the benefit of having a DVD is that... you never have to worry about the video being taken down, and you always have it available (so, even if you don’t have internet connection, etc). It’s the same argument for having paper books or movies/shows on DVD, really.

26. if you had to have one drug (illegal ones, like marijuana and cocaine and all of them) right now, what would it be?: >> Well, marijuana is technically legal here (although I think new recreational dispensary openings in this city have been kinda interrupted by the whole pandemic business, so it’s still a bit hard to access for now). The only drugs I’m even interested in anymore (besides maybe a little low-THC weed, just to see) are psychedelics, and I don’t just want to take them casually, I want a tripsitter or a therapist present. So it’s more complicated than just “getting the drug”.

27. would you ever get a sleeve or a half sleeve on your arm (we’re talking about tattoos)?: >> I would love that. I have had the idea to have a tree-rings tattoo down my left arm like the astronaut character in The Fountain for years.

28. do you have a wireless mouse and/or keyboard?: >> No, my keyboard and mouse are both wired, which is logical. Wouldn’t it suck if I was in the middle of a boss fight in FFXIV and the battery in my keyboard or mouse just fuckin died? Yikes.

29. do you think your biological parents love each other?: >> They did not love each other, from my perspective. I don’t even know if my father is capable of loving anyone, the way he fucking acts.

30. do you have callouses on your feet?: >> No.

31. did you see the commercial for that “foot grater” on tv that basically shaves the callouses off of your feet? isn’t that nasty to think about?: >> That is nasty to think about, and I don’t think it’s even necessary. Anything to make a buck, I guess.

31. what’s your favorite color combination (ex. pink and purple)?: >> I don’t know, I like a lot of colour combinations.

32. ever been to watchmovies.net? what do you think of the quality of the movies there?: >> Yeah. I don’t like sites like that because I can never get good subtitles and also they’re always buffering and shit. I can’t put up with that anymore, I paid my dues back in my literally-broke days.

33. what’s one movie you’re dying to see but haven’t had the chance to see yet?: >> Everything on my watchlists across the four streaming services I patronise. I just don’t always have movie-watching energy (or time), so it’s slow going to get through all my watchlists.

34. would you rather live alone in a huge mansion or alone in a small studio apartment?: >> Alone in a small studio apartment. Unless the huge mansion had a staff, because I really can’t fucking imagine keeping a mansion clean and maintained otherwise. But... huge mansions often come with a lot of acreage... and no neighbours... that’d be nice.

35. if you came across child porn on your computer, what would you do?: >> How the fuck would that even happen? Let’s not get silly here.

36. what’s the last computer game you played?: >> Final Fantasy XIV.

37. what’s the name of the street you live on?: >> Eh, let’s not.

38. would you ever dye your entire head blonde?: >> No.

39. what’s the randomest thing you ever heard of someone collecting?: >> I don’t know, most things people collect seem random to me.

40. how often do you use “<3” or “:]”?: >> Rarely.

41. isn’t it annoying how people walk around thinking hollister logo tshirts and ripped jeans are preppy, even though those things would never be allowed in a prepatory school because of the dress code?: >> *stares blankly in “I don’t care”*

42. how do you feel about abortion?: >> I am pro-choice.

43. what’s one thing your grandmother does that you can’t stand?: >> ---

44. did you ever notice how it’s more tragic if a younger person dies than an older person, even if they both died of the same cause?: >> It does seem that way to people, but I don’t see it that way myself. Of course I’d rather die when I’m old than, like, right now, but hey. It be like that.

45. when’s the last time you snuck around, and where did you go?: >> I don’t have to sneak around.

46. how often do you wash your hair?: >> Once a week, provided I remember.

47. do you think the price for a movie ticket is too high these days?: >> Not here, it isn’t. In NYC, it was fucking astronomical.

48. have you ever been to a drive-in movie theater?: >> No. I’d like to one day, that seems fun. But only if I have a convertible, lol.

49. what’s your favorite musical?: >> Phantom of the Opera.

50. what do you think of dr. seuss?: >> I’ve never read him (that I can remember) and I don’t care.

[jayne-hecate-writer]

Old and Useless

I am fucking angry, but my rage is impotent and useless because the people I am angry at, don’t care that I am angry. Actually, they do care a little bit and they are arguing that my anger is unjustified and unfair on them. I did not realise that I was a bully and was asking so much from them…

So you may be asking who I am so angry with and why am I being so unreasonable? The answer is complicated, but my dear reader, it is really not you, well unless you are one of those people mentioned above. You see, I am angry with the big names of the tech industry and the reasons as to why, are both complex and deep. To explain this anger, I need to tell you a story, a true story in fact, that started a little over twenty years ago. So settle down, put your feet up and let us go back through the swirly mists of time to the autumn of 1995, when I started my degree at a prestigious British university.

My University was neither prestigious or an actual university. It was a former teacher training college that had in the past trained nice young ladies to be nice young teachers of nice young children. The grounds that these nice courses were taught in, were beautiful, with ancient trees, two small lakes with a folly that looked just like Camelot from Monty Python. The college was however, not happy being just a run of the mill college, because a simple college did not make much money when compared to a prestigious University and so they set about changing from a college into a... University College, a subtle change, but a change for the better they assured us, the actual students of the place. But after all of the expensive name changes and font changes on the new name, the leaky roof still leaked in the student accommodation and the library still had not bought a new book for three years, but they were going to modernise the place with a whole new building.

When I started my degree, my essays were hand written on stuff called lined paper, or if we could afford to buy one, they were typed up on an electronic typewriter. The college had  put up a new and rather ugly building that was filled with these wondrous boxes of blinking lights, boxes of lights that were the early home computers and they came with a thing called Windows 95 that allowed you to look at pixilated images of boobies. They were amazing.

Were they really amazing? The correct answer is no, no they were not. The problem was that to someone who had never used a computer before, it was a box that made a lot of noise and a filthy heat, that took up a lot of space on my desk and did very little, even when asked. I poked the keyboard and moved the funny little box on a wire and the pointer on the screen moved too, I was entranced.

I did not play with those boxes of lights again until several years later when back in another university (again a former polytechnic that wanted to be posher and thus changed its name and status!) I was told that my essays needed to be submitted typed up or word processed. Excited, I dived into the world of home computing and spent hundreds of pounds on my own box of lights and switched it on to be greeted by the green fields of the Windows XP screen background and the appalling monster that was Clippy, the word assistant in the shape of a talking paper-clip. He would pop up when I was typing and ask me if I wanted help with my essay and would then offer me useless advice that had no relevance to what I was doing. Clippy was the first piece of technology that I regularly told to fuck off.

My first home network came in 2005, when the chance to buy a second computer presented itself and although it was broken, I could fix it. Putting the two of them together and seeing them communicate for the first time was amazing. I could drag files from one computer and put them on another. I could work on two projects at the same time and swap files between them on two different machines. Windows XP was so easy to use, wasn’t it?… No, it wasn’t. Windows XP was all that I had available at the time and I had to train my brain to think in the Windows XP way. It had plenty of quirks and numerous faults and to add further insults, with two machines, I had two versions of Clippy that I was forced to to tell to fuck off. Then my hard drive died.

I was lucky, I had back ups on CD of most of my files, but not of everything and that included the operating system. Thankfully I had the original install disk, a CD that contained Windows and another that contained Office and that cunt Clippy. Only, the disk was keyed to only one of my computers and when asked to submit a code, it was most unhappy and said no. That was the very first time that a computer said no to me. I consulted an expert and was informed that I needed to pay an awful lot of money to Microsoft in order to fix my computer and that was before I paid the already mentioned man, an awful lot to put on the computer what Microsoft gave him. So, after an awful lot of money exchanged hands, I had two computers once again, but not for long.

This time, the fault was more serious, the outer box stayed the same, but the bits inside changed. This was the first time I encountered something called a Mother Board and another thing called a graphics card. Then came the sound card and the memory and the hard disk and the optical drive and the LAN card and the USB expansion and the second hard disk and before I knew it, I was looking at a pile of parts that had cost hundreds of pounds and none of it fucking worked yet because of fucking Microsoft.

This pile of parts led me down the path of not wanting to keep giving Microsoft hundreds of pounds every time I rebuilt my computer. So I started playing with something called Linux. It was anarchic they said, it broke away from conventions they said. It does everything Windows does, but even better they said… They lied. Very quickly I had to learn about a thing called ‘The Terminal’ into which I typed out lines and lines of code. After which, I would hit return and then I would have to search through hundreds of lines of code to find the place where I had mistyped a character or two. Then I would repeat that process several more times, adding more code and finally, I had a working computer. Making it talk to the Windows XP machine was a trial because it seemed that they spoke different languages, but I did it and speak to each other they did.

My new Linux machine played my DVD movies, it played my music CDs and I was able to write on it without being interrupted by that shitcunt Clippy. But Linux back then was not all that stable and glitches would start to appear and before I knew it, I spent just as much time typing in code as I did listening to music. The two computers stopped talking to each other and I had to work really hard to make them friends again. My first machine now long dead seemed like a mere pocket calculator compared to what I had found myself with. The Micro ATX board the size of a drinks coaster had been replaced by something faster, bigger and more fun, but these money pits soon began to drain my purse of funds needed for other projects and as funds grew tight, the computers complained all the more, leaving me with just one computer again and a box of lights that had gone dark.

My first laptop had windows ME on it and it would seize up and need restarting after twenty minutes of work or half an hour of theme hospital. I really miss theme hospital, it was very silly and it was lots of fun, but it, like my laptop and Windows ME and Windows XP and Windows 7 and Windows 8 and Windows 8.1 are all long gone and here lies the nub of every issue I have with technology now. The constant need for the next new thing and frankly it boils my piss. I am fizzing in the gusset right now and not in a good way, this is anger, I am royally pissed.

In 2013 I bought a new laptop computer from PC world, a mistake I would repeat only once more. Thanks mainly to the advice from the sales adviser, who told me that the Google Chromebook was the next advance in home computing, I started looking at one. “Does it work away from home?” I asked in all innocence. I was assured that it did and with it freshly purchased, I promptly pissed off to a desert island in the Indian ocean looking forwards to writing up my adventures on my new laptop. It did not work. It would not even switch on without a connection to wifi. Finally and unbelievably on a remote desert island, we found a Pizza restaurant and I managed to switch on the Crapbook (a name I now give you for every Chromebook in existence) using their slow wifi. The Crapbook proved time and time again just how much of a worthless pile of shit it was. It promised so much and provided so little in return. In the end, I used it only to watch YouTube while in the bath because frankly every ‘Ap’ on the damn thing was fucking shit. As a writer, I wanted a laptop that could use office software to type up my stories. The Crapbook could do this, but it had no spell checker, it could not save to the laptop hard drive and when transferring files to another computer, the document would be turned into indecipherable gibberish. With imported documents, it would destroy formatting and leave behind a document that had so many page errors that not even a Windows machine could repair it.

Also, the Crapbook could not talk to the Windows Machine (now on Windows 10) on he home network, but then, neither could the iMac, the Sony Smart phone, my USB stick or my external hard drive. I was by now running four computer systems, the Crapbook, the iMac, the Windows 10 Laptop and the Linux desktop. None of them were capable of communicating with each other across the network, either wired or wireless. The Crapbook was a joke at the best of times, but when I discovered that this was the only machine that could read every USB stick I owned, but none of the others could, I almost threw it out of a window.

The problem was how the USB drives were coded. The Linux machine could see all of them, but could only write to the external hard drive. It could read from the blue USB stick, but not write to it. The red USB stick would register, but the Linux machine would say that the drive was faulty and I would have to restart the machine three times just to be able to remove it safely! The old MP3 player that worked as a USB memory stick could be written to by the Linux machine, but it could not delete files and would instead turn the drive from eight gigs of data, into three song and a large file called trash, that contained every file I wanted to delete, but it seemed permanently burned onto the drive, never to be removed. I gave up trying in the end.

The Windows machine can see the external hard drive, but depending on some unknown variable can or cannot write to the drive. Some days it can and all is well. These will be the days when the system volume also works and I can make my headphones louder by clicking the appropriate button. However, some days Windows decides that my pressing the volume button is a sign of my need for existential peace and it ignores my request for louder or quieter music. On these days, the external hard drive becomes a place of mystery too. The Blue USB stick does not exist and the red one is old and slow.

The iMac could see the external drive, but not the USB sticks. If it did see the USB sticks, it would delete them and I would have no idea if they were safe to remove from the computer. Writing to the External hard drive was also impossible. As was taking data from it, but it could see it.

As I write this, I am back on the Linux desktop because the Windows Laptop has been unusable for almost four days. Why is this you may ask? The answer is because when I bought it, I could not afford very much and so bought myself a budget laptop. It has a Core i3 processor and four gigs of ram. The board in the case is the size of my mobile phone and the processor and the cooling fan are on opposite sides of the case (this is relevant shortly) with just one air vent, towards the front of the computer. While trying to render a picture of a Lego model, the computer began to overheat. The fan speed increased to maximum and the keyboard developed a hot spot that made it uncomfortable to use and then the screen went dark as the machine simply shut down. A full thermal throttling shut down that required fully dismantling to blow the dust from the fan and clear the pathway between fan and CPU. Given the amount of space inside the laptop casing, I am forced to ask why there is a six inch gap between the fan and the CPU, plus a four inch gap between the fan and the vent? The heat coming through the bottom of the machine made it uncomfortable to actually have on my lap (never do this, it blocks the vents) and the computer shut down to protect itself. When I finally restarted the laptop, I discovered that it had developed yet another instability, possibly due to thermal damage of the CPU. Meanwhile in the background, Windows update (that you cannot turn off) was slowly sucking away processing time from other functions. I have set the times when Windows can do updates, which is every evening when I am not writing. However, this update has got bigger and bigger, drawing more and more CPU time (I know because I have been watching the progress with CPU ID and monitoring the core temps) and is as we speak, only 8% downloaded of whatever current update it is now on, having restarted three (edit- four!) times already this morning.

So why am I angry? I am angry because none of these fucking things work as promised. When I do finally get them to work as I want, updates come down that fuck with my settings. I cannot prevent updates, they come with inevitable gloom and yes, I am aware that I can delay them or stop the machine from downloading on a metered connection, but just like HG Wells’ Martians, still they come! For four days, my Windows 10 Laptop has been installing, downloading and installing updates. It has been hanging while installing updates that when looking on the Microsoft website, they say it is time to start coding in the terminal.

The Crapbook gave me a message recently that read in nicer language, “give us more money or we will reveal your banking details to scammers…” Thanks for that Google, you cunts.

The Linux machine wants to update to the next version of the OS, that I have tried and really don’t like because it tries to make my desktop work like a mobile phone.

The iMac keeps telling me that it is too old and is not safe to use on line any more.

The Smart phone will interrupt what I am doing with it, to show me adverts. It also on occasion refuses to allow me to answer actual phone calls, because to do so, I must first attempt to close down an advert for emojis that will randomly appear. An advert that I neither wanted or asked for.

What was once a tool and an essential learning aid has become nought but a shallow toy, filled with advertising junk, following my every key tap, not to help me, but to sell me shit I don’t want and steal my data for companies to buy and sell me more shit I really don’t want. The machines I knew and loved are gone. Media outlets such as Linus Tech tips tell us that using old machines on line is irresponsible because it endangers everyone else to attack from scammers. The message is plain. Old is bad. Repair is bad. Throw it away and buy a new one… BUY BUY BUY, never fix. Sell my soul for old shit I don’t want. Stop using these wondrous machines for actual creative processes and use them instead to buy emojis for chatting with my friends. I fucking hate it. I fucking hate that tech companies can make their expensive computers so disposable. As much as I loved the iMac, Apple can fuck themselves in their arses with burning hot iron spikes for making them almost impossible to repair and even my trusted ASUS have gone the same way by putting the fan and the CPU in different sides of the case. Apple, Microsoft and Google have taken apart the computer world and used it to extract money from us the consumer, as if they did not have enough already. Also and probably finally for this angry rant, I really liked Theme Hospital! Bloaty Head Disease made me laugh and I can’t fucking play it any more.

I fucking hate these technology companies. They claim that they are making everything better, but what they are doing is making old but good things useless just so that they can convince us to buy the newer models of the old ones each year. To hell with the environmental impact of all of the e-waste, consume, play, dispose… When did computers become digital nappies?

PS. The Laptop is now on 85% of its forth install and restart of the day…

[dustedmagazine]

Ian Mathers’ I Didn’t Wanna End the Dream: Trying to focus on 2019 (but not just 2019)

Saying I didn’t find myself able to pay as much attention to new music in 2019 as I normally do is true, but lacks some context; I see from my notes that I still managed to get through 70 new releases so far this year (and I’ve got a solid 30 more downloaded that I will be giving at least one listen to between now and early 2020), which still places me somewhere towards the extreme upper percentile (really, if you sought out and listened to five new records in 2019, I bet you’re above the global or even continental average). And honestly it’s not sheer bulk that has me feeling like I slightly neglected 2019 in 2019; I’ve had years where I’ve heard less and felt passionately caught up in the moment, and I’m sure I could have listened to twice as much and still felt the same. No, it’s that 2019 was the first year maybe a decade and a half where I actually allowed myself (and it very much had to be “allowed”) to pay half as much attention to old music as I did to new.

Before I get to that, though, let me emphasize that this doesn’t mean that what I found to love in 2019 I loved any less; some years a single record announces itself as some sort of emblematic favorite strongly, some years it’s more a gestalt, but I’d put my feelings about this year’s top three against any recent years’, easily. I certainly didn’t expect Hatchie’s Keepsake to top the list when I first got it (even when I had this reaction to one of the early singles, a song that I wouldn’t even necessarily say is my favorite on the record!), but it got there the old-fashioned way; I simply couldn’t stop playing it, coming back to it between other records, getting various songs stuck in my head, etc. It’s a record I loved passionately and thoughtlessly enough that I couldn’t find the words to articulate it here at greater length than a Dust entry. If it feels a bit less tightly connected to current events than my dual 2018 favorites (Low’s Double Negative and Leverage Models’ Whites) did, that just speaks again to the multitude of ways we all connect with art. I’ll let most of my 2019 list stand on its own, except to note that the rest of my top three had at least an oblique relationship to that notion of currency, with the dark fables of Picastro’s Exit certainly being harrowing enough to soundtrack the news (particularly a song like “A Trench,” which like most Picastro songs instantly sounded like some dark old folk song I’d known since I was a kid the first time I played it) and Hot Chip’s ebulliently humane A Bath Full of Ecstasy being written in the spirit of providing a positive ideal to strive for, even while we’re (on both sides of the Atlantic) being buried under a mountain of shit.  

But even in that context, I don’t think my sudden attention to my archives was in the spirit of retreat or refuge; I can honestly say it started on a pure whim, with a friend mentioning how much they preferred the non-album version of The Wrens’ great “This Boy Is Exhausted,” a version that I can now tell you is from the Drive Thru Records 1999 compilation You’ll Never Eat Fast Food Again. This comment reminded me that I have that alternate version (and he’s right, it rips), but that I had no idea where it comes from. And something, somewhere, snapped. See, although I’ve been through multiple computers since I first had my own in the late 90s, and I’ve always been able to transfer all the music I’ve had on it (sometimes through crazily baroque methods) to my new machine, other things have changed a lot. It used to be I kept a ton of CDs but (since both the process was lengthy, hard drive space was at a premium, and internet speeds were painfully slow) I’d usually rip the four or five songs I most wanted to keep around. And any time I was keeping less than basically a full album of songs I’d erase most of the metadata (this now seems insane to me, but I think my mind at the time just wanted all those songs to display in alphabetical order and this seemed the easiest way to get, at the time, WinAmp to co-operate). Well, I got rid of 9/10ths of my CD collection at least five years ago, most of the music I get now whether promos or bought by me come as files, and I’ve got about 100 gigs of hard drive space free and a good, cheap internet connection.  

Somehow this combined with a momentary impulse to clean up and properly file my Wrens MP3s and turned into a massive sorting/deletion/reclamation project, complete with a spreadsheet in Google Docs to keep track of what I was keeping and a still to me surprising sense of satisfaction whenever I could justify spending an afternoon or evening just listening to, sorting and often deleting material, some of which hadn’t been played or looked at in 10+ years. Building a new library of stuff I still actually care about, and of course all the little fringe benefits (the little shocks of rediscovery, moments of outright nostalgia, even just the feeling of tidying up); it’s been the most edifying thing I’ve done in a while, and feels somewhere between self-indulgent and the best thing I could be doing for myself.  

Mind you, I’ve got a lot of music and I’ve been trying to prioritize this project below things like the people in my life, my day job, and writing here and elsewhere (which is rarely focused on that older material I’ve been processing, but is often informed by what I’ve been getting out of the work), so after eight months I’m… still working on the end of the Cs. Which means I’ve gone through literally everything starting with C that was already in my iTunes library, and have since moved on to the Unsorted pile I generated through that process, which holds both everything in the library I realized needed more time/listening before I made a decision (including things I downloaded as I went, because you do this and you realize it’s insane you somehow only have one Curtis Mayfield song, for example), and then all the other stuff starting with C that was sitting in a few directories that somehow didn’t make it into iTunes before. As I noted on Twitter at the time, C was a particularly rich haul in this respect not least because my love for Coil and the relatively messy state of their discography had at one point led me to say fuck it and accept another fan’s offer of their complete works (and even that wound up being not quite it… keeping a twitter thread of all the random little things that have come up during this process was a surprisingly good part, too). Those particular embarrassments of riches I’m still going through during my spare time, which led to November being a month where, except for stuff I was writing about, pretty much only Coil and Carly Rae Jepson got played in our apartment (my wife, with a saintly patience that comes naturally to neither of us, minded neither).  

It even feels a bit weird to discuss this still-ongoing project just in the context of 2019. Aside from some early goings where the thrill of just getting stuff put away properly was overwhelming, I’ve mostly been able to keep it as something I’m working on but after other things, which means it’s definitely going to be a years-long endeavor (to say nothing about how newly obtained material will get integrated in, as it comes), but maybe the major thing it’s done is abated the slowly but steadily rising background panic I only now realize I’d been feeling over the past decade or so, as all the new listening I keep doing (which I love and wouldn’t trade for anything; every year it gives me so many new things I love and that matter to me) was out of whack with the near total neglect I had for everything once it fell off the treadmill of the new. I felt stuck on that treadmill; now it feels, to torture this metaphor, like I still spend a good amount of time on the treadmill but also get off every so often and, I don’t know, lift weights or something. If anything, it’s made me more eager to hear new things when I carve out time for them. My teenage self, always worrying whether I’d still feel the same way about music once I hit my (late) 30s would be thrilled to hear the answer to possibly incipient burnout is not “stop listening” but rather “listen even more, but differently.”  

Ian Mathers

   Albums:

Hatchie - Keepsake

Picastro - Exit

Hot Chip - A Bath Full of Ecstasy

Blanck Mass - Animated Violence Mild

Sunwatchers - Illegal Moves

Clinic - Wheeltappers & Shunters

Wand - Laughing Matter

Ladytron - Ladytron

Aarktica - Mareación

Boy Harsher - Careful  

Nakhane - You Will Not Die

Lambchop - This (is what I wanted to tell you)

loscil - Equivalents

Joshua Abrams & Natural Information Society - Mandatory Reality

Sigrid - Sucker Punch

Julia Kent - Temporal

Pelican - Nighttime Stories

Rafael Anton Irisarri - Solastalgia

Beth Gibbons & Krzysztof Penderecki - Symphony of Sorrowful Songs

The National - I Am Easy to Find

Singles:

Kitten - "Memphis"

James Blake ft. Rosalía - "Barefoot in the Park"

unperfect - "Gots to Give the Girl"

Rinne Yoshida - "Mu"

Georgia - "About Work the Dancefloor"

Vampire Weekend - “Harmony Hall”

Caroline Polachek - “Door”

Freddie Gibbs & Madlib - “Crime Pays”

BiSH - “DISTANCE”

Charly Bliss - “Capacity”

[clarencejc]

Choices to Make (Part 1)

Summary: April Hudson, a biologist studying animals and neighbor of the Cullen's, notices something wrong one day on her wilderness cameras which leads to her life being changed forever. Curiosity killed the cat.

(No pairing) Please like and comment, but remember to give me credit for my story!

Fall 2008

            It was another rainy day in Forks as I drove back to my house after work, my red Ford hatchback quietly sloshing down the wet roads with the windshield wipers set at a quick pace. My name is April Hudson, twenty-one-year-old garden business associate and wildlife watcher with a completed degree in biology and still living with my parents. Was, at least. 

           My parents had to move further south for their twin jobs leaving me alone upstate after graduation with their small house in the middle of freaking nowhere. I loved the rain of Washington until I had to leave and come back and get reacclimated to the weather.

            I was fine with the arrangement where they would periodically check in on me but most of their time is dedicated to their work. The only real neighbors I have are the Cullen’s but they’re nearly five miles away from, now my, little cottage, so there is almost no way to really call them neighbors. 

           The most I’ve ever seen of them is passing by them in their cars and even that was too short. They were all introduced once when my family moved in but that was only once and since then I only see them when they need to stop in for flowers or ferns for their home.

           As I pull up to the cottage, the light from the bathroom is still on from the morning. “Damnit,” I sigh heavily. ‘Always forgetting to turn that one off’ I berate myself silently in the confines of my warm car. 

           I grab my beat-up leather work bag in one hand and jog inside to avoid being more wet and cold than usual. ‘It’s the last thing I need.’

           “Hello, my little Mitten,” I greet my sweet little tabby cat with a smile. I’m greeted back with a small ‘mew’ before chuckling to myself and feeling the soft fur under my fingertips. Stripping off my clothes and getting rid of my bra, I finally feel free and alone in the quiet house.

            I don't feel like I'm the prettiest girl in the world with my large hips and thick thighs along with this dry skin in such a moist environment, but it’s my house to do what I please in it. I run my fingers through my shoulder-length hair as I let it out of its ponytail when a sound catches my attention.

          ‘Chirp! chirp! chirp! chirp!’ “What could that be my love?” I whisper lovingly partially to myself but mainly to Mittens as I walk to my computer where the noise is originating from. 

           I took up my parent's love of nature a while ago and hung up trail cameras to capture animals big or small traveling across the property, but there hasn’t been a ping in a while. Until now.

           The computer’s white light fills the room as it wakes up whirring and as I click my way through the files, petting Mittens rhythmically, while the start of the video plays like usual with the wildlife until there’s something that’s not so normal. The big buck walks through the woods, like usual, and then there, right after the third second, the deer is gone. There and then gone just like that. A whole deer gone without a trace.

           “What the hell?” I ask myself and I play it back nearly ten times before not being able to find anything wrong with the tape to indicate a glitch. “I guess I’ll look at the next one,” I say warily. My internal radar for weird stuff is slowly beginning to rise like a pressure gauge from the green zone to the yellow and the hairs stand up on the back of my neck as I start to feel not so alone.

           The next camera I pull up is deeper in the woods near the middle of where the property is. A few seconds in there is a man beginning to dig a hole without any sort of digging equipment until there is a hole with the dimensions of a shallow grave, the deer is thrown in as though it weighs no more than a small sack of flour, and then the weirdest part occurs: The guy takes off his shirt, tosses it in with the deer, and then fills the grave back up again.

           ‘I know that shirt, I know that shirt’ I repeat before it clicks; ‘It’s the hair.’ The mop of blonde hair in the video is the same as the mop I drive by every so often; Jasper Cullen. It all comes together as I remember him coming in with Alice to get flowers wearing a light colored button up dress shirt.

           “No fuckin’ way.” I rewind it and hit play again only to watch the same thing happen without fault. “Oh my god.” I don't know whether to watch the video again or to throw up my dinner from earlier. “Oh shit!” I cry out, startling Mittens off of my lap, and standing up abruptly enough to knock my chair back onto the ground. ‘I have to tell someone—wait, I can’t tell anyone’ I realize with a start. “The Cullen’s.” My blood turns to ice and my fingers become cold.

           ‘I have to get the shirt’ I tell myself and if I want to get back before dark then I’d better get out there and start digging now. I give a kiss to Mittens, feed her, and put on all of my gear like mud boots, insulated rain jacket and finally grab a shovel from the shed. I don’t bother putting my bra back on because I’ve already taken it off so it’s too much of a trouble to put back on and there’s no need since, hopefully, I’m the only person in these woods tonight.

          Grabbing my headlamp in case, I start my walk out. It’s fairly short but the dig is difficult and plain annoying. The mud slips and sloshes around my boots as I try to dig the hole back out but after over an hour of straight digging, I finally get to it just around the four-foot mark. It doesn’t even look like he tried to hide the shirt separately as I tug it out of the narrow hole I’ve dug. I turn my headlamp on and turn around when something catches my eye.

          There’s another area of raised soil about ten feet away and another ten feet in the opposite direction. ‘This is a dumping ground’ I realize and that feeling of terror turns my blood to ice once again. I fill the hole in as quickly as I can and immediately head home, not daring to look in the other mounds for fear of what I might find if I do.

           I slam my door as I come in, not caring that I’m dripping wet as I tromp through my house. I sit on the bed and put the muddy and blood covered shirt on my coffee table and simply stare at it. ‘I have to tell them and then just forget about all of this’ I tell myself.

           I find a drawstring bag to put the battered dress shirt in, slipping it under my bed, and try to sleep. Try being the key word. There is so much adrenaline running through my body that every time I close my eyes I see Jasper throwing that deer in, bloodied and dirt covered, before simply running off. ‘You can’t stay quiet.’

           The next day is giving me a bad case of the nerves as I dresses in my nice black slacks and olive green blouse to meet the Cullen’s, well mainly either Carlisle or Esme seeing as all of their kids freak me out with how they stare, but I’m uninvited anyway, so there’s that problem. I decide to go at noon so that the rest of the family might not be there, especially Jasper.

           With the CD with the copied video and the bag with the shirt in hand, I set out on the drive. As I get closer, more nerves collect in my chest making me breathe heavy and tremble at what they might say. I mean who knows, their son could be the beginnings of a serial killer and they could very well know about it and let me get killed too. The thought makes me slow down for a second before getting back up to normal speed.

           My heart is beating out of my chest as I turn down their rock driveway and, after another thirty-second delay, I’m finally sitting there in front of their monumental house. “You can do this. It’s really easy, you’ve got this,” I whisper to myself as I grip the steering wheel tight enough to turn my knuckles white.

          ‘Stay calm and just be cool’ I think slowly as I try to slow my breathing. I walk up the clean steps and my hand trembles fiercely as I lightly knock on the frame of the door to avoid potentially damaging or even smudging the glass.

            I see Esme walk toward the door, seeing as the whole house is nearly made of glass, and try to make my face look less like I’m going to throw up all over her. 

           “Hello April,” she greets and her voice sounds like music to my ears. I try not to get distracted by her looks but dear god she is beautiful. Literally, everything is perfect about her. “What brings you here?” 

            I find my heart rate rising even more at her being polite but if she knows why I’m here then she’s doing a damn good job at covering it up.

           “I’m sorry to bother you today,” I start and she smiles warmly but it doesn’t help my nerves. “Well, um, I wanted t-t-to, uh, tell you something but I didn’t want to freak you out,” I stammer. ‘Get it together’ I yell mentally. “I have something to show you if you’ll let me, Mrs. Cullen,” I tell her politely back and hold up the CD.

           “And what is in the bag?” she wonders with a pinched brow and tilted head. When it releases its tension there’s not even a crease in her skin, but I blink away the errant thought.

           “That also goes with the video,” I tell her slowly. “If I may. . .?” I ask with a small gesture to enter their house and she lets me into the entryway. “Do you have a CD player or a computer I could play this on for you?” She nods her head and leads me into their house where we end up in a room with a computer and shelves and shelves of books.

            With shaky hands, I start to take the CD out of the case and I think I should tell her a little before I spring on her that her son could be a serial killer or a poacher at best. “So I don’t know if you know this but my parents got me wilderness cameras while I was studying for my degree and that I have them in the trees around my property, um, and I got a ‘ping’ last night. Uh,” I pause as I try to get my tremors under control, “so I looked at it and I thought you should be the first to know what I found,” I end in a whisper so quiet I don’t know if she heard me. I glance at her to find her looking back at me with worried eyes.

            I stand from the seat and offer it to her in case she needs to sit after watching something so unbelievable. I pull up the file and click the play button. The video of the disappearing deer and then Jasper digging the hole plays on a loop and I watch her expression change from surprise, to worry, back to a stony one that gives nothing away. 

             She knows exactly why I’m here. She brings her perfect hand to the mouse, clicks the stop button, and then looks at the bag I’m still holding in a death grip from my nerves. She goes to say something but I stop her before she can start with a slight hand motion and a look.

           “And I don’t know if it was the best idea to do but I dug up the shirt because I want nothing to do with this and I don’t want it anywhere near my home,” I whisper and widen my eyes slightly to see if my point gets across, but I decide it’s better to say it anyway. 

           “I found two more mounds of dirt near this one, so I don’t care, and I won’t even ask what he is doing, or what you’re doing, but stop burying dead animals in my backyard,” I tell her severely.

            She looks me in the eyes and then nods her head once. I let out a nervous breath. ‘Thank god.’ “I’m going to head home then. Here,” I hand her the bag with the shirt and then start to walk toward the door, resisting the urge to sprint. Everything inside of me is screaming for me to get the hell out of here.

            She opens the front door for me and I leave without another word and don’t glance back as I walk to my car. The entire time I feel as though I’m holding my breath and once I’m finally in my car I let it out. I start the car and leave as fast as I can while trying to not seem like I’m running away.

            The adrenaline is running rampant through me at this point and I’m shaking all over worse than a leaf in a storm. I let out one sob at the feeling as I finally reach my house. I hear a cacophony of meows and little cat screams surround me as I sit on the couch closest to the door and wrap a nearby blanket around me as tightly as I can. ‘What the fuck have I done?’ I ask myself softly.

[mattzerella-sticks]

Park Your Car in My Gay-rage

Castiel moved out West so he could live freely and with pride. However an anonymous act of bigotry chips away at his faith that he can live life without facing prejudice. And with each repair shop that turns him down the cracks keep growing. Why would Singer's Auto be any different?

Will his car ever be fixed? And could a certain mechanic restore more than just his car?

(Link to ao3)

           Castiel slumps against his car, snapping his cell phone shut in frustration. Banging his hand against the hood he grumbles out a string of expletives as he gives up hope. Meg, leaning against the hood, drums her fingers on the closed Yellow Pages while watching him.

           “So,” Meg says, “it a bust, too?”

           He sighs, tapping his phone on his forehead. “More than that. The mechanic laughed me off after I told him what I needed and had a few choice opinions to tell me.”

           Meg’s lips purse, and she steps back onto the sidewalk to stare at the rough scratches across her friend’s beige paint. The word was interrupted by the open driver seat’s door, but when closed all together the crude artist spelled out ‘FAGGOT’. “Maybe he knew the jackass who did this…”

           Castiel ignores her, chewing on his lip. “How am I going to get this fixed…? I can’t drive around town like this.”

           “And I’m sick and tired of looking through that thing,” she jerks her thumb at the offensive phone book, “Do you ever think searching for stuff will be easier? Like, I don’t know… all these names and numbers stored somewhere and it’d only take a few seconds to find exactly what you’re looking for?”

           Frown slashed heavily across his face, Castiel turns to glare at her. “What the hell are you talking about?”

           She shrugs, “I don’t know… digging through that reminded me of this girl I went out with a couple’a times. Total geek, spent at least two dates going on and on about those huge, clunky computer things. Think she lived in an Internet Café… wait a minute!” She digs into her leather jacket pocket and pulls out her phone, flicking it open and clicking away.

           He hops off his car, stepping closer out of curiosity. “What are you doing?”

           “I just remembered,” she starts, not even looking at him, “she mentioned how she works at this garage –“

           “Meg, we’ve tried all the garages in the area –“

           “C’mon, trust me,” Meg continues, “place has to be good if they hired a lesbian.”

           Castiel rolls his eyes. “Forgive me if I don’t trust straight men’s views on lesbianism.” At that Meg stops staring at her phone to shoot Castiel a flat look. He hisses out a breath and runs tired fingers through his hair. “Sorry, I’m just tired and frustrated about all this… why is it so hard to find somebody for a body job?”

           “Because unfortunately most people today are ignorant, Clarence,” Meg tells him, holding her phone against her ear, “And we’re not going to see any real change for years… maybe not until we’re all old and shriveled and grey.”

           Huffing, Castiel crosses his arms against his chest and spins on his heel. He lets Meg talk to his back, done with their bleak conversation. Still, a part of him agrees with her opinion of the future for those like them. It wasn’t too long ago Castiel was trapped in his old hometown in Illinois, looking over his shoulder every weeknight to make sure no one followed him home. Fearful that one day his face would be a blip in the newsreel, another name to add to the wall like Matthew Shepard.

           “I moved here to escape all that,” he mumbles to himself, “but apparently hatred can grow anywhere… even in California.”

           Meg hops onto his back, interrupting his musings. She chokes him, forcing him to twirl her around until Castiel can pry her arms off of him. After wheezing in a good-sized breath, he asks what that was about.

           “They’d be happy to take a look,” Meg says, “Free of charge!”

           Castiel blinks at her. “What?”

           “I told you this was a good place, Clarence. Hurry up though, they’re not gonna keep the shop open for you.” She rattles off the directions, having to repeat herself once Castiel shakes away the dazed look in his eye. “…And when you get there you’re supposed to ask for Dean,” she finishes, “Dean Winchester.”

           “Why?”

           “Guy overheard us talking and said he’d take care of it personally.”

           “But… why?”

           She shrugs, “Who knows, but he’s waving his fees. Don’t look a gift mechanic in the mouth, my gorgeous unicorn.” Meg pockets her phone and skips backwards, waving goodbye.

           “Wait,” Castiel follows her, “you’re not coming with?”

           “Band practice,” she says, “I’ve gotta swing over to my place and pick up my bass. You’ll do fine!” With a loud smack of her lips she disappears behind a corner, off on her own way.

           Castiel waits a beat before he actually leaves. He starts the engine, idling some more to switch out the CD in the drive, so instead of blasting Indigo Girls he could drive to the music of the Cranberries. Skipping until he reached ‘Zombie’, Castiel nods his head along as he begins his journey over to Singer’s Auto Repair.

           It wasn’t too confusing following Meg’s directions. Halfway through her second explanation Castiel realized he was familiar with the route. He’s driven that way countless time to visit a small bookstore he loves. The only one he’d been able to find that stocks trashy romance novels of more diverse backgrounds. Perks of living near West Hollywood, Castiel always knows where to go to find shops catered to others like him.

           But he would have remembered seeing a car garage there.

           Rounding the final corner, Castiel slows down and crawls along the street, head swerving left and right while ‘Yeat’s Grave’ plays on. After passing his bookstore, he spots a faded sign a few storefronts down.

           “How have I never seen this before?”

           Unassuming from the front, with faded brick and rusted steel, Bobby’s Auto Shop sits next to a leather shop and spans all the way to the corner. A single rainbow flag hangs from a pole jutting off the side of the building. Castiel pulls into an open garage, parking near the front and cutting the music off before the next song could begin. He steps out of the car and looks around.

           There are at least five vehicles stationed inside the building at the moment. He sees one hefted up on a lift, a burly man inspecting it from below. Across from him two other mechanics argue over the exposed engine of a truck, long hair pulled back into tight ponytails. At a lounge area a black couple share a bag of chips.

           Looking to the other side at what Castiel expects to be only a blank wall he spies a cluttered corkboard.

           Castiel walks away from his car and over to it, scanning the different fliers tacked on. Notices for events like poetry readings and charity brunches to raise funds for AIDs research. A picture of a drag queen hangs next to an ad selling a lounger with a few of the tabs ripped off. There’s even a poster for Meg’s band, ‘The Demon Queens’ that he recognizes, having done the design for them.

           “You find something you like?” a rough drawl from behind startles him. Castiel spins, coming face to face with a man who shouldn’t look so handsome streaked with oil. He stares into sparkling green eyes, the color only highlighted by the dark marks on his cheeks. The mechanic smirks, cocking one brow higher than the other. “You all right there?”

           “Yeah-yeah-yes,” Castiel clears his throat, “Yes I am, sorry I… what did you ask?”

           He chuckles, running dirty fingers through his light brown hair, coloring it darker. “You here for some work?”

           Castiel nods. “I’m supposed to ask for a Dean… Winchester?”

           Mechanic’s gaze widens, glancing back at Castiel’s car before returning to him. “You’re Meg’s friend?” he asks, grinning.

           “Yes…?”

           “Hmm… not what I was expecting,” he says, holding a hand out, “I’m Dean.”

           Castiel flushes, cursing his luck. Of course the only mechanic who would work on his car would be the man who stepped off the set of a calendar shoot.

           Pretty boys have always been Castiel’s weakness. From high school when he first understood where his attractions laid to now, something about them makes his brain shuts down. His tongue works against him and sweat pours out from everywhere; thoughts bottleneck behind the embarrassing urge to blurt out ‘you’re pretty’. Castiel ceases to function normally when presented with a pretty boy.

           It’s been an uncomfortable amount of time where Dean’s hand hangs in the air. Castiel realizes it when the smile on his face slowly starts to fall.

           He jerks his hand out in a panic, latching onto Dean’s with as relaxed a face he can force. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Dean.” His handshake is tight and fast, quickly pulling away as if burned.

           Feeling something wet coating his palm Castiel prays Dean didn’t notice his sweat. However looking at it he belatedly remembers Dean’s hands were covered in oil.

           “Shit,” Dean says, “Totally forgot to clean up… that’s my bad.”

           “It’s fine,” Castiel tell him, “I’ve had worse… my hands are usually messy and covered in whatever.”

           “Really? Like what?”

           “Paints, clay… those types of things.”

           “You an artist?”

           “On my days off.”

           Dean motions for Castiel to follow. He does. “You do any galleries?” he asks.

           Castiel frowns, “I’ve been in one or two, but never on my own. Don’t have the money to afford a space.”

           “If you ever do, feel free to advertise here,” Dean says, stopping by a large sink, “As you already know we have a place for a poster or two.”

           “Duly noted.” He waits for Dean to turn on the faucet, letting him run his hands under the stream first. Once he finishes Castiel half-heartedly scrubs at the oil. There wasn’t much on his hand, and making any effort to wash it away wouldn’t fit with the cool façade Castiel tried to keep.

           “Y’know,” Dean starts, hands hidden in a fluffy towel, “when Charlie told me about you, I thought you’d look a hell of a lot different.”

           Castiel skews his head to the side. “How so?”

           “Well I figured you’d be a girl,” he shrugs, “friend of an ex from Charlie, nine out of ten it’d be another lesbian or at least bisexual…“ Dean tosses the towel to Castiel, “egg on my face, right?”

           He catches it haphazardly. “More like oil.” When Dean’s brows pinch together, Castiel mock wipes at his face with the towel.

           “Really?” Dean whines, “You probably think I’m a slob.” He hurriedly splashes some more water on his face and snatches the towel back.

           “Honestly?” Castiel says, “I don’t know enough about you to form an opinion.”

           Dean looks up from the towel and smiles, dimples clear on his freckled cheeks. “We’ll have to fix that, then.” Before Castiel can overthink what that means Dean walks away and over to his car, Castiel racing to keep up. “So someone marked up your car?”

           He sighs, “Yeah… I woke up the other day to find that – that word scratched on the side along with some… other things.” Castiel doesn’t dive in to the details of the torn up rainbow flag outside his apartment and the already painted over slurs carved onto his door. “That’s what I get for celebrating the first day of Pride, I guess.”

           Dean frowns, running a hand across his car’s ugly scar. “You know the person who did this?”

           Castiel shrugs. “Suspicions… but nothing concrete enough to make a claim or file a report.”

           “If it were me I’d do more than that. Bastard would be walking with a limp – if at all – if they messed up my Baby.”

           The threat brings a smile to Castiel’s face. He straightens out of the curled up posture he fell into. “Your ‘Baby’?”

           “My car,” Dean explains, turning to him, “older model in black. A ‘67 Chevy Impala.”

           “I must confess… I don’t know that much about cars.”

           “Really?”

           “I don’t quite know the model of my own car let alone what an Impala looks like.”

           “That’s a damn shame,” Dean tells him, “Going your whole life without knowing what true beauty is? I’d take you out to see her now if I didn’t have to park so far away today.”

           “You don’t have your own parking?”

           He shakes his head. “Usually I snag a spot on the block but by the time I made it out of bed they were all taken. So I’m about three down in front of this deli. Anyway…” Dean kneels down again, inspecting his car closely. “This shouldn’t be tough… probably have it ready by tomorrow if nothing comes up.”

           “Are you sure?” Castiel asks, “If you have other clients waiting –“

           “Nah I finished up my last appointment for the day already. Don’t stress about it.”

           “That’s very nice of you,” he says, “all the other places I tried wouldn’t help me and here you make it sound so easy…” Then, Castiel remembers what Meg told him. “And for no pay? I don’t mind, I have the money –“

           Dean reaches out for Castiel, grabbing his wrist to stop him from taking out his wallet. “I insist. I’m always looking for ways to give back to our community.”

           Castiel smiles, his skin burning from Dean’s touch. “Our – ah… our community?” he starts, “do you mean that in a friendly neighborhood sense or…”

           He rolls his eyes. “In a rainbow way.”

           “Ah.” Castiel glances around the garage, gaze unable to land on any one point for long. “I was wondering… this is a very progressive garage.”

           “Has been since the beginning,” Dean tells him, leaning against Castiel’s car, “Bobby’s been a staple here for a long time ever since he and his wife Karen moved in years ago.”

           “Bobby?”

           “Bobby Singer, the big ol’ boss of this place,” he explains, “He and Karen came here when things got dangerous for them back where they used to live.”

           “Why was that?”

           Dean launches Castiel back into the past, where a newly married Bobby and Karen were being threatened nearly every night when one of the women in Sioux Falls discovered Karen hadn’t always been called Karen. Gangs of men hung out in front of their house, dumping cigarette butts on their lawn. Every time they went out they were watched and followed, confronted on the days when people had a little more confidence than normal. Any room they entered became so silent a cough could shatter glass. Neither Bobby nor Karen was willing to move at first, until the first rock was thrown through their window. They packed their bags and left in the early morning, not stopping until their car broke down in California.

           Bobby pushed it all the way to the closest garage. “It was closing,” Dean says, “And the only one there was the owner – and he didn’t see why he should help. So Bobby grabbed a box of tools and set to work. Halfway through fixing his own car, someone pulled up and asked Bobby to look under his hood. He did and made the engine purr. Owner saw and demanded Bobby give him the money from that. Made a deal and bought the place with what was left of their savings.”

           “And he turned it into this,” Castiel says, “I wish I knew about Singer’s sooner… would have saved me a lot of guff whenever I needed my oil changed.”

           “I’ll admit we can do better in advertising,” Dean shrugs, “Mainly we rely on word-of-mouth… although we did get a lot of customers after Benny namedropped us in one of his shows.”

           “Benny?”

           Dean jerks his thumb over towards the burly man from earlier, chatting with the previously bickering mechanics by the truck. “He’s a drag queen. Performs over at the Roadhouse every Wednesday as ‘The Vamp’. I mentioned he should promote the garage in his act one night when I was helping him do his make-up.”

           Castiel recalls the picture of the drag queen he saw pinned to the cork board, notices the similarities between the figure captured and the one in front of him. “Is everyone who works here a… um, on the rainbow?”

           “More or less,” Dean shrugs, “Jo – the blonde – been on Estrogen for two years, has her first round of surgery coming up in a few weeks. Dorothy doesn’t conscribe to the binary but they still identify as a lesbian…” He swings his finger over to the lounge area. “Max is as gay as the next guy but his sister Alicia’s our token straight.” Turning back to face Castiel he says, “And Charlie you already know only goes for chicks.”

           “And you?”

           “Me?” Dean chuckles, “Why I’m bi as fuck!”

           Castiel laughs as well. “Are you trying to collect all the letters?”

           “Like queer Pokémon,” Dean nods, earning another round of snickers. “Nah, we all kinda drifted together. Jo and the Banes twins lived in the area – Jo’s mom actually owns the Roadhouse. But the rest of us… Bobby took under his wing in one way or another.”

           Storm clouds brew in the timbre of Dean’s voice, the shiny jewels of his eyes losing their luster. Castiel feels the temperature between them dip low by tens of degrees. Whatever Dean doesn’t say must weigh heavily to flatten the good mood he was in.

           It’s a familiar burden Castiel knows all too well.

           “Do you know what my name means?”

           Dean blinks, thrown off by the sudden shift in topics. “Uh… no –“

           “It’s a bastardized version of an angel’s name,” he explains, “Cassiel. They thought the extra ‘s’ was too… feminine. But I was born on a Thursday and…” Castiel trails off, grimacing.

           “Religious family?” Dean asks.

           He nods. “My dad was heavily involved with our local Church.”

           “So when you…”

           “It was not a fun time,” Castiel says, “I didn’t go home for the first two years after I left for college but… we learned not to speak about it. Although every now and then my mother sends me pamphlets for seminary school.”

           Dean barks out a rough laugh, biting his lip. A brief, charged silence stands between them where Castiel can’t breathe. He nearly backs away, tells Dean that it’s okay. They’re strangers – all he needs is a body job, not a life story. But then he sucks his lower lip under his teeth and starts.

           “My dad caught me fooling around with another boy when I was sixteen,” he says, “And after the punches kicked me out on my ass. Joke’s on him, though, because I managed to snag the keys to the car. Drove around for the first year seeing the sights until I found my way to Bobby’s. Picked up shifts part-time until he noticed me sleeping in my car. Cuffed me on the head and told me to take the spare room in the apartment above.”

           “Karen didn’t mind?”

           “Karen died years earlier,” Dean smiles ruefully, “Cancer. But she would’ve done the same thing. Wish I could’ve met her, though, heard she made killer apple pie.”

           And in that moment, Castiel finds himself wishing he had the chance as well. Dean talks about his family with so much love he wants to meet them all, or at least here him tell more stories about them. Knowing that this group of people have found each other and are happy gives Castiel more hope for the future for people like them.

           Dean Winchester’s gravitation is too powerful to resist, and Castiel falls into his orbit happily.

           A set of squeaky wheels interrupts their conversation, an older man in a trucker’s cap rolling up to them. “Winchester,” he barks, “I don’t pay you to stand around and flirt. Git to work on this poor boy’s car!”

           They break apart, both their cheeks bright red. Dean hangs his head, rubbing his hands against his coveralls. “Right away, Bobby.”

           Bobby shakes his head, leaving them. “Idjits…”

           Castiel shuffles his feet, wringing his hands together. He waits until the other man is far away before speaking again. “So… that’s Bobby.”

           “Yeah,” he huffs, “Bastard’s usually never this ornery… probably getting me back for walking in on him and his boyfriend the other night.” Dean scoffs, crossing his arms, “Not my fault Crowley didn’t lock the damn door…”    

           The past few minutes catch up with Castiel and he feels the awkwardness creeping back up his spine like a spider. “I… I should be going,” he stutters out, startling Dean.

           “Really?” Dean asks, his frown confusing to Castiel’s already addled mind.

           He nods, pacing backwards. “Thank you for your help and… and the talk.” Then before Dean could respond Castiel races out the garage door and doesn’t look back. Castiel makes it past the leather shop before he falls back against the storefront and gasps for breath.

           “Castiel,” he mumbles to himself, “stupid… ‘and the talk’. Why can’t you talk to pretty boys without losing your head.”

           He knocks his head against the brick latticework repeatedly, angry with how he blew his shot with the pretty mechanic. In between the heavy pounding she gives himself he hears a slight cough to his right.

           Squinting an eye open Castiel sees Dean watching him with an amused grin across his face. Throwing himself away from the wall, Castiel turns to face him. “Dean?” he starts, “What are… what are you doing here?”

           Dean steps closer, invading Castiel’s space. The smell of motor oil and cologne makes him dizzy. “You left in such a hurry, Cas, you forgot to give me your phone number.”

           His heart skips over itself as a sunny ray of hope shoots across his chest. Clouds return to cover it when he remembers past garage experiences where mechanics needed it to reach him. He deflates. “Right, so you can tell me when my car’s ready.”

           Dean juts his lower lip out, head bobbing as he considers Castiel’s statement. “Yeah for that, too.”

           “Too?”

           “Well I mean how else can I ask you out if I don’t have your number?”

           A stone lodges itself in Castiel’s throat. “You… you want to ask me out… on a date?”

           His eyebrows jump up. “I… I wasn’t misreading anything… was I?”

           That spurs Castiel into action. “No, no! You weren't… I am… I’m interested.”

           Dean relaxes, hand splayed against his chest. “Good, got nervous there for a second.” He looks to Castiel, waiting. “So…?”

           They exchange numbers, Dean handing Castiel’s phone back with a wink and a promise to call later. Then he heads back to the garage to smooth out the scratches on his car.

           Castiel stands there, outside the leather shop, too shocked to move. Somehow he gains control of his legs again and picks one up after the other.

           When he makes it to the bus stop, Castiel pulls his phone out and stares at Dean’s number. Butterflies flutter in his stomach as the largest smile blossoms on his face.

           It stays there all the way back to his apartment.