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riewritten · 1 year ago

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what do you think Erwin considers himself that he sucks at but at the same time he enjoys doing it? suddenly i thought of tiktoks that are like "having a hobby you're bad at is okay". do you have any hobbies you consider yourself not good at too?

tbh i think the "bad" and "good" stuffs are all social constructs, but i'm still struggling with crocheting just bc i think i suck but at the same time i know that's something i do for relax. still sometimes i can't afford to think that way??? do you have the same problem and have you overcome it? i have no idea if this is a prompt or just me asking you stuffs.

do you often project what you're thinking into your writing and visual arts and any other form of art?

oh my god this is getting nowhere 🥲🥲 thank you for reading Rie. have a good day!!!

THE BEST BIRTHDAY

ERWIN SMITH X GEN NEUTRAL!READER

TAGS: fluff, slice of life, kissing, comfort, office romance AU, idiots in love, insecurities, and AAAA HAPPEE BIRTHDAY ERWIN (this also goes with my most recent ask)

WORDS: 2.9k

hi @frenchdyer ❤ i know i took this long bc i've been thinking about this. like the otherworldly self-reflectio i only tend to have once in a year or whenever i'm PMS-ing lol. how's your crocheting? were you able to improve somehow months after you had sent me this msg? my sister gifted me a crochet kit, so i've been planning to learn, too!

on a personal note, the hobby i suck at but enjoy doing nonetheless is drawing! perhaps it's a self-esteem issue, but i've been drawing since i was 5. the passion came to me even before i learned how to write! due to the amount of years i've been trying to master it only to have minimal progress, i can say drawing is smth i can never admit i'm good at. but i came to terms to it now (when i was in highschool i was so insecure about it lol) and bc i did, i draw things to enjoy, not bc i'm utterly pressured to improve!

On the surface, even his closest friends would have a different time answering this question. It's Erwin we're talking about, after all! The literal embodiment of academic perfection and charisma!

Erwin also wants to think of something other than an answer. Although he admits his flaws well when someone points them out, he wants to be good at everything as much as possible. For a perfectionist like him, self-admittance would mean giving up!

It is until you said something that made him recnsider. "Sometimes, I don't see you as a human."

In hindsight, the context of your question was, "What do you want to have for your birthday?" but Erwin seems to be the type to already have the things he'd want and need in life, perhaps if one were to speak materially. Every gift he'd receive would only impact him a little, and you want to change that.

He chuckles at the remark, amused as your features remain serious, "Do I feel like an alien?"

"Dunno," you shrug without turning up at him—only at the papers, hiding a frustrated blush. "And if you're actually a slimy organism underneath? It scares me."

You hear the office chair sliding towards you, and as swift as ever, Erwin's hand is on top of yours. He squeezes it gently, and you try to hold your fluster by glaring at him. Luckily. Only the two of you are in the office; what would the others say if they saw this? You and Erwin made it clear to keep your relationship hidden by acting 'decent' in public places.

He lets you feel its warmth first, although unsure of the reason why, then he guides your hand towards his cheeks. He presses your palm on it.

"W-what?"

Erwin casually leans his cheek to your palms, albeit with a tranquil expression contrary to you, perhaps amusingly watching your reaction. "Mind repeating what you said earlier?"

"I said underneath. Hypothetically. And I don't mean it literally as well."

"Underneath? Well, that's quite a unique way of asking me to—"

You swatted your hand away and lightly hit his chest as you couldn't hold the fluster. "Stop playing with me. I'm not done yet."

"Well, I'm done."

"Please don't make it my problem."

"I'm actually offering to help."

You perk up in glee. If Erwin's to help, then you might as well consider yourself done. You pulled your chair away from your desk so Erwin could look at it.

However, Erwin asks something completely unrelated amidst the heap of your paperwork. "Why do you not see me as a human?"

"You feel like some sort of god."

"Silly, that's a metaphor that would fit you more."

"Oh, you. Stop flustering me." you huff in sarcasm. "You know about the crocheted scarf I was planning to give you before winter ends?"

"Yeah, and it's summer already. I'm still waiting for it, though."

"I threw it away."

"Huh?" Erwin looks at you in surprise, eyebrows twitched in confusion, perhaps in a whine. He knows you've been trying so hard for it. "Why would you?"

"I'm not good at it."

"But you were enjoying it. You told me so."

"Not because I enjoy it means I'm good at it," you then smile in defeat. "Let's just say I'm not as fast at learning as you are, no matter how much the task interests me. Maybe that's why I sometimes can't deem you human, too. Too good for me, I think."

Erwin could only observe you afterward. You don't try to make it a big issue, none but admittance that unpretentiously comes out of your mouth. As much as it is, perhaps, concerning self-esteem, Erwin is the one hit by it. The way you could admit your flaws a bit too easily and go home without pondering on it is something he couldn't easily do even if he tried. It takes one to help overcome an insecurity and another to admit his own.

"That's not true."

"It is. You really excel at everything, Erwin. That's something I also yearn to have for myself. You don't have flaws. Or, well, let's say you have one, but no normal being can see it so easily."

Well, you were able to lay down his flaws then and there. After all, he's having difficulty coming to terms with his flaws—or perhaps, on saying such admittances out loud. You are right. As much as Erwin demands you to open yourself up to him, some facets stay unsaid because he opts to and wants to remain an ideal image, perhaps one who can only admit his inadequacy if someone points it out. You're the complete opposite, though. You could admit your flaws and still end the day happily. The 'incompatibility', or so you might call it, could be giving him a hard time consoling you.

Oh, and when he recently enjoys consoling you the most. He really appreciates having you open up to him, enjoys the privilege of being able to take care of you as you let him, enjoys listening to your blabbers, and offers resolutions just like the strategic man he is. After all, he's one of the few people who sees that.

Only if he doesn't suck doing it.

"Oh no, did I say something that upset you?" you ask worriedly, sensing his silence.

And he's not the one to be given comfort right now, or so he thinks. It's as if you hit a nail, albeit unaware of how and where it hit him.

Just as if closing the distance is the needed nudge, Erwin pulls your figure towards him, holds both cheeks and surrenders to sweet kisses. Erwin's lips are warm, and the pace is languid. Yet, it's overwhelming enough to deprive you of your senses, let alone the urgent question of why he is suddenly acting the way he is. This might be the first time he got intimate with you inside the workplace. You know this type of kiss from him, too—he does it whenever he's dreary or after working on a significant research paper that got him weary.

The worry reverberates, and thus, you withdraw from the kiss, "Is this because of the scarf? I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have thrown it away. Don't worry, I'll make another one and—hmph!"

He cuts you off for another kiss, harsher this time, perhaps classified as a silent sulk for cutting off the lovely exchange, but no—you're wrong. It's not on you at all. Erwin is frustrated with himself. He holds onto your waist until you're seated on his lap and wraps his hand around your neck to press you further to his chest—hoping it would compensate for the distance you two have due to his inadequacies. To be great in giving you solace is to be vulnerable and imperfect; how could he do that?

He withdraws when both of you need air, albeit begrudgingly, "I'm sorry, Erwin. I know you waited for that scarf."

"No, it's not about that."

"Then what?"

He pretended to ponder for a few seconds, eyes roaming the room to gather his words. He pursed his lips before pointing out, "Don't you think the way you perceive me as a human far beyond you is a flaw I might have? Partners are not supposed to see each other that way."

"I'm merely exaggerating."

"Yes, but still."

"Are you saying you must apologize to me because you're such a perfect being?"

"No, because I'm failing to show you that I'm not."

Oh.

You finally see where he's coming from. "Are you failing by choice?"

He averts his gaze away, "Yes."

"Then it can really be a flaw," you flash him a sympathetic smile, moving his face so he'd see you in the eyes again, "can you tell me why?"

“I'm not brave enough to show it the way other people do."

"You just did, honey."

"Not because I want to, but because I'm insecure about my inability to console you like a normal partner would. The way you perceive me right now says a lot about our distance. And mind you, doing this isn't even supposed to be this hard."

Both of you stopped. That is by far the most vulnerable thing he had said about himself since you started dating months ago—and it wouldn't even sound vulnerable unless it came out of Erwin's mouth. That's how hard he's been all this time.

He expects you to be annoyed. After all, that might be one of the shallowest reasons he had ever given, too.

But then you smile as if you appreciate him for saying that much—just as if you know it takes a lot for the Erwin Smith to admit something like that, "It's not something you can unlearn overnight. Do not fret."

He lets out a defeated chuckle, "That I know well."

"What's strange is that I'm not your first partner. How come this didn't become a problem with your previous ones?"

"Because people are content to perceive me that way. At some point, I preferred that, too. Honestly—" he leans his head on your shoulder, hands on your waist to keep your balance on his lap, "had it not affected the way I console you, I would prefer things to stay that way."

You pepper him with kisses all over his face, something he accepts as a reward, "Honestly, I would prefer you this way, too. A relationship with a god can be a bit of a struggle, after all."

"Indeed it is. What a struggle I have right now."

You glare at him, "What do you mean by that?"

He shakes his head nothing, hands lurking inside your shirt to feel you more, to shower you with reverence, "Let me finish this now. I miss our bed."

Today is his birthday, and you still need to think of a gift that could be deemed special.

As a last-minute reflection before giving up the gift that has been frustrating you for days, you try to ponder on the previous days since he opened up.

Erwin has become more talkative since then. He's always been chatty towards you since you started the relationship, especially when info dumping. However, this has a stark difference. He's trying too much as if matching an expectation no one but him had set up. Wording it as "forced" would perhaps hurt, but it's not something you could deny, either. Only when afternoon came did you realize how to fix it, with Erwin on a couch and crochet yarns on his lap. He has his phone at the coffee table and the familiar tutor video playing in the background. Eventually he sighs, unties the yarn, and repeats—this time with much precision, and you couldn't help but smile. When Erwin is about to learn something new, he locks himself in his office and spends the whole day studying it alone. Only now did you finally unravel why, and it's apparently part of his mentioned flaw that night.

He might be forcing himself lately, but it's the adjustment that counts.

Erwin perks up in surprise when you sit beside him and hold his hand. You guide his fingers into the correct way of tying the knot. You didn't say anything, and maybe you even tried to act like it's an everyday routine. Erwin pretends to listen and pick up the techniques you're blabbering, but in reality, he's just looking at your face. His lips are flat but twitching as he's trying to hold the urge to steal a kiss. He tries to inhale longer to indulge in the scent of your hair but not too much to call your attention. And as the moment passes, thirty minutes, perhaps because the video's finally done playing in the background, Erwin realizes something.

Just… just what held him back from being like this towards you? This is, in fact, a short step. The bare minimum, even. And even so, it felt genuinely liberating. Indeed, he's been forcing himself to be vulnerable recently, but this is the first time it exuded a positive feeling.

Your hands gently stop, the instruction's done, and Erwin only realizes when you turn to look him in the eye, "You get it?"

"The what?"

"Huh?"

"Oh," Erwin tries to recall what his blank, sappy head might have digested so far, only to no avail. The only thing coming up in his mind right now is the smell of your shampoo. Perhaps his nerdy brain is trying to guess the unfamiliar flavor mix and earn your praise once his guess is correct. "I—uh—"

"You didn't listen at all."

He smiles, guilty.

You sigh, "I'm quite persistent, you see. We're not eating dinner until we both master this knot."

"Wouldn't this wait? I'm not in the mood anymore."

You shake your head and untie the yarn. But just as you're about to quip at his newfound impatience (and how cute he is trying to get the hang of it like a little kid learning origami), Erwin grasps the tool away from your hands and cups your cheeks.

He first lands a chaste peck on your forehead, then the bridge of your nose, then the tip of it, then the two cheeks, and finally, it deepens when he reaches for your mouth.

And because you are indeed a persistent being, you have no idea how shamelessly grateful Erwin was when you did more than just pull him in. He tried to stop himself, after all, for seconds in case it'd do anything better. Maybe you're not in the mood; perhaps you want to see the side of him not knowing better and learning things together. But when his palm glided on your cheek and your eyes widened in response, the tremor in his nerves overpowered the need to ask.

Perhaps the tremor was gratitude because here he is, not getting any younger, and yet, this is only his first genuine step to face his vulnerability.

You kiss him back and wrap your arm around his neck to pull him in, albeit quite sure why he's suddenly kissing you like this.

Unlike the previous one, his kisses are full of gentleness, and not a tinge of frustration can be seen. His hands, although huge and hard, slide inside your shirt so softly to feel your bare skin. You withdraw a bit to ask what might be the matter, but quickly forget the question when you see his face. He's blushing as though it's the first time he has kissed like this. His eyes are pretty lidded, lips a bit open, and you realize that although you had seen this expression before, it was for a very brief moment—not immediately after a chaste kissing session.

He looks at you, quite disappointed for cutting the kiss short again. He grabs you by the ankle until you're sitting on his lap.

"Did something happen?"

He shakes his head, "Saying it out loud would be sappy."

"If you think I'd forgive you for spacing out while I'm—kyah!"

He starts sucking on your neck, "Shut up and don't ruin the moment."

"The what? Hey, don't mark on it. I'm warning you."

Erwin really wants to explain his thoughts. He's sure you'd be glad if you were to know all of this. Even though he could never perceive this as a significant step beyond, he bet you'd be giggling and jumping once you know.

He looks up and tries to explain but realizes how tired he is holding everything in—it took him decades. Erwin addressed it only after loving someone so ardently that he was willing to give up years-long prideful habits—all to love you more. He is exhausted, and your lips are so soft and so near, offering the sheer comfort he needs. It's parted slightly; if his tongue were to slip inside, it would send him into great bliss. Erwin is exhausted right now; perhaps he’d share his thoughts after this overwhelming, trembling warmth subsides.

For now, he at least tries to give a small context, "This is the best birthday I've ever had."

"Y-you think so?!" What have you done? You've been thinking about it for months! How could it happen without you knowing? "We spent the day indoors. We haven't even done anything special yet."

"You'd get quite full of yourself if you knew."

"You're trying to escape for not listening to my crochet blabbers."

"I don't want to get sappy today. Can't we just continue?"

"Well, uh… I really want to know what I did," you avert your gaze away. "I've been at the edge lately, thinking of ways to make you say you got the best birthday today—with me. Now that you finally say it, however…"

Again, it's as if you hit a nail, albeit unsure where and how you did.

"And there you have it. Your answer."

"Huh?" It took you a while to process that. "Because you're with me?"

He nods, albeit in a teasing manner.

"Eek. The sap shudders me."

"That's why I asked if we could just continue where we left off."

"The crocheting, indeed." you tease, but as you're about to reach the tool again, Erwin carries you up in his arms. He doesn't even need to tell you where he'd bring you. The impatient man would straight up lead you to bed to show what he wants.

Instead of scolding him for cutting the lecture off, you sigh and muffle your head in his neck, "You have to thank god it's your birthday today."

"Oh, yes of course," he kisses the crown of your head. "Thank you, dear."

TAGLIST: sorry for causing inconvenience with your notifs, my dears in taglist TT i wasn't planning to publish this tonight but the birthday request activated my brain neurons and said "what if u unload your WIPS and just publish this thing" so yea. sorry. @frenchdyer @watyousayin @collinnmckinley @aeanya @xiaotopia @cadenza-damour @grimistheangerinmystares @rinamars | STORY SUBSCRIPTION FORM

MORE OF SWEET SUBTLETIES SERIES HERE

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terraliensvent · 5 months ago

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Ok civ's response is honestly kinda funny, I should've known only someone equally as delusional could go along with coy's bullshit all this time.

https://toyhou.se/~bulletins/2068868.update

Image link in case it gets deleted: https://imgur.com/a/lDxBSoT

As another unemployed artist the fact they think terra staff "ruined their income" when not only are they absolutely popular enough to make money off their art. They also have coy's audience backing them as well, so this claim is extremely laughable to me. Try having no audience at all and not having a community made up of big spenders from cs communities, then maybe we'll feel a little sympathy.

Or better yet maybe if you and coy contributed an ounce of effort beyond being greedy assholes you'd still be able to make money off the species. But no, clearly they never learn their fucking lesson because every single species they've made eventually gets ruined because of their insistence on running the species according to how much money they can make.

It's genuinely hilarious to me that they both actually think they're the victims in this situation because terra staff finally put their foots down and said they can't keep using the species for money. Go get a damn job if you're that desperate and stop taking advantage of the people who want to actually enjoy the species and especially stop causing issues for the terra staff team who are actually fucking trying despite all the bullshit they've had to go through because of you both.

I'm so tired of them and entitled greedy cs owners in general, I couldn't fathom being this self centered honestly it's sad.

post related

bulletin link

yeah i think im gonna call bullshit on this, lets do a little dissection here

" What they didn't mention was how they banned both coy and myself (even though I had nothing to do with the deletion of the pets/left the conversation civilly before that was discussed), "

even if civ had nothing to do with deleting the pets, i would argue terra staff made the right choice in banning them. what coy did is equivalent to vandalism and can cause further problems if there are issues with code and such. furthermore, wouldnt it make sense to ban civ as well if theyre closely associated and have the power on the account to do more vandalism? civ you werent doing shit for the species other than farting out adopts every week, youll live.

"..refused to negotiate with us, did not include us in the original discussion about OUR OWN TERMS that were agreed on when we left ownership, and the new owner was unwilling to participate in the discussion originally."

i am SO curious to see what actually went on in staff chat. the conclusion im personally drawing here is that the original discussion occurred in a staff-only chat (somewhere where civ and coy wouldnt be because theyre NOT FUCKING STAFF) and then when the final agreement was reached, they came to civ and coy. maybe they could have gone differently about it but honestly, knwoing now that civ and coy have continually shut down any sort of discussion like this due to their greed (cough cough THIS whole debacle) im not surprised they wouldnt be asked for their two cents.

"Both sides have made mistakes; but the terra staff refused to acknowledge their dishonest and disrespectful actions that led up to this. Had they been willing to compromise and talk to us, this wouldn't have happened. "

again i am just not willing to believe this when civ and coy have a history of being shitty to staff (shall i bring back the receipts?), when cal(tycho) has a history of being a good owner even after the enormous shitshow of what you put him through, when, after you two finally fucked off, things are actually being MOVED FORWARD in the species (like trait guides, new items to allow lim traits, new site assets, all within a timeframe of like. two months. civ and coy had the species for over a fucking year and did nothing. just some food for thought)

like im not going to believe you unless you give adequate proof in the form of screenshots or something. but they probably wouldnt do that because it would most likely show current staff being totally reasonable and you two shitting your diapers over it.

"They silenced me and put their foot down, ruining my source of income as a disabled unemployed artist."

hmm lets crunch some numbers here

you have seven terra adopts that are on your most recent designs tab. presumably you are allowed to keep the money from that because it happened before everything went down

now a lot of these are pretty pricey, the first in the list is $300

however if you go through the rest of their recent designs its all little chibi stuff for around ~$20. that could be a defense for the "wah wah you stole my one source of income" if it werent for the fact these designs almost never go unsold, they have chibi slots open for $45, and they also have fucking isopups to ride the coattails off of. like you will be fine, you have many ways to make money off of your art as opposed to some 10 follower account. this is pop artist bitching at its finest.

and again, it is THEIR FAULT they dont have terra income anymore. how in the world is it fair for them to have more money opportunities than people actively working on the species just because they slapped their names on it.

finally lets do a funny little comment showcase!

people keep equating the old staff team to the new staff team. lets talk about bear, lets talk about kea, lets talk about fucking coy. thats the staff YOU employed, not the people trying to throw together the pieces. you want to again, absolve yourself of all responsibility acting like it wasnt YOUR FRIENDS that YOU picked for the staff team that was causing problems. bear literally caused the first downfall of the species (architechals) and YOUR staff are the ones who ran with it and decided to be petty and immature and make knockoffs. i swear to god this reminds me of people saying shit like "the economy was better under x president!" when the current president inherits the economy of the previous one

jesse please do everyone a favor and just shut up for once, you only care as long as you can profit off of the situation, your wording is so stupid i genuinely lost braincells. civ and coy absolutely do have the means to make money off their art, far more than other people, and the issue with the situation is that theyre making more money off the species than the people actually putting in work to maintain the fucking species, the agreement according to tycho would have STILL allowed them to make more than terra staff but they were too greedy and stupid to just shut up. and to make an ableism argument really just makes me want to bash my head into a wall. civ is not some poor discarded puppy "thrown out in the rain," they have the ability to make a lot more fucking money than most others can off of art, and not to mention they have the ability to use the fans of those they have connections with, like coy or even fucking kea

but in all seriousness, its SO fucking funny to me how theyre acting like civ and coy are some fucking marytrs for terraliens, like they were working sleepless nights to do the best they could each and every day hoping and praying they could make it!! please be fucking for real. again, that species did not even have TRAIT GUIDES for the full calendar year after it was created because civ and coy just didnt give enough of a fuck to do it. listen im gonna ride or die for new staff right now because there is TANGIBLE EVIDENCE of them actually going above and beyond anything ever done under civ and coy. compare #staff-wips from civ and coys reign to now. before, all you would see is adopts. thats it. nothing else just adopts. now, within the course of three months, new staff have come up with unique events, had lore writer, mod, and OA applications, released a new set of forageables THAT GIVE REWARDS, entirely revamped one of the forage areas with plans to do the rest, held the myo compensation event (a feat in and of itself), show CONTINUAL wips of shit actually important to the species (like new items), take in community input, and again, above all else, FINALLY put out trait guides. id say theyre doing fucking leagues more work than civ and coy ever did.

and this is just fucking laughable. ive already made all my arguments, you can see the types of people we are dealing with here. calling jealousy is absurd and downright hilarious

their fanbases need to wake tf up because these people love to victimize themselves and misconstrue shit all day long

#closed species vent #terralien #closed species #terraliens #vent #civet #bugbox #coy and civ are over party

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shreddheir · 2 years ago

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This is going to be fairly long, and also much more serious than my usual jjba meta. apologies in advance if i seem stilted: i have some issues with verbalizing things in a formal matter

Terunosuke Miyamoto's fate and portrayal are another egregious example of the subconscious bias present in Araki's work.

When I mention how Terunosuke was one of two characters to be given a fate worse than death in part 4, that he was the only p4 character to be nameless until years after the manga was completed, or that his fate was arguably undeserved, i am not saying anything new.

But I feel like not many people consider or realize that Terunosuke is canonically the only dark-skinned character in all of diamond is unbreakable.

Not only that, he is somewhat implied to be a foreigner in the manga (i cannot find a scan with a translation, but the canned drink he destroys is notably labeled as fruit lassi and it has a small drawing of an indian elephant on it).

In a part set in Japan, the only dark-skinned character, a character who is also implied to not be Japanese:

-is one of the few villains deemed irredeemable.

-is portrayed as uniquely sadistic, manipulative, and predatory, even when his actions are less or equally malicious than the actions of other characters. He kidnapped people and took hostages, but so did rohan. He threatened Josuke's family, but so did akira, and josuke was perfectly content with letting akira go to jail regularly.

-in fact, his crimes, crimes which are not unique among the cast of DIU, are deemed by Josuke to be as horrific as angelo's crimes, which were in fact uniquely horrible among the cast of diu.

-is given no characterization or motivation outside of sadism, to the point where he had no name for a good couple of years.

-is never mentioned or shown in canon again, which happens to few other DIU characters. Not even in the added davidpro epilogue scenes, which show other characters that were previously MIA after their respective arcs (such as toyohiro).

In fact, Davidpro actually makes his portrayal WORSE, all because of one small detail.

When his cover is shown onscreen, there's a small sticker on it that says, verbatim, "Morioh Public Library." Josuke hasn’t been to the library at that point. I may be reading in too deep, but the implication is that this sticker is part of his “body” and can’t be removed.

Terunosuke is the only dark skinned character in diamond is unbreakable, and the last proper shot of him is an image of him being..basically branded. It’s hard for this to not leave a bad taste in one’s mouth.

I do not think araki or davidpro were being intentionally malicious or bigoted in their handling of Terunosuke. The meaning of subconscious bias is that it is subconscious, so i do not think the enigma boy arc or terunosuke in general were written in bad faith .

However, the racism, colorism, and xenophobia that saturate his role in the story (to be a disposable and irredeemable villain who is only meant to be another obstacle in the face of our golden-hearted hero ) and his fate (to be literally dehumanized and locked away, never to be seen again, presumably for the "safety and greater good of morioh") are very clear.

Anti-discourse disclaimer fine text:

i am not trying to cancel jjba, diu, araki, davidpro, or any related concepts and parties, and i am not trying to make claims about the personal beliefs or agendas of hirohiko araki or members of david productions in any way, shape, or form. i am just writing about subconscious bias and how it possibly shaped a story arc in diu. i am not trying to give moral judgement to araki, davidpro, or any fans of jjba in this post. i am not trying to stop the collective you from enjoying things, just trying to inform. also, racism, xenophobia and colorism are bad. I edited this post due to quoting something based on an unofficial and incorrect translation and making a hypocritical point in the concluding paragraph.

#terunosuke miyamoto #jjba meta #jjba #jojos bizarre adventure diamond is unbreakable #jojos bizarre adventure #jjba diu #diu #diamond is unbreakable #racism ment #ask to tag #meta #fandom meta

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homoerotic · 9 months ago

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im just feeling very demoralized. exceedingly so. i want to be a radiographer so badly. i wish i had known sooner but i want this so so so bad. and i cant help but think the reason i didnt get in this time is due to two things:

1. i had one (1) C on my transcript. in ECON. a class that has no bearing on my major but dampened my gpa exponentially

2. i had a panic attack during the venipuncture lab in one of my rad classes because i didnt adequately prepare myself for it. and i distinctly remembering my professor telling me "if you cant do this you arent cut out for this major" so i bet she brought that up during deliberation.

its not fair man. i dont live at home w my parents, i dont have a free schedule to study constantly. i have so many bills, so many doctors appointments and health issues to handle. i have to take care of my family.

i have such a bad needle phobia that i am actively working on. its bullshit! you dont NEED to do venipuncture as a radiographer! if i was specializing in CT/nucmed then YES 100% i understand that due to administering contrast. but every single nurse and radiographer ive spoken to has told me that learning that is a waste of time for me.

so how do i prove that im capable of handling the sight of needles now? drawing blood =/= seeing patients get their blood drawn/have IVs. they are not the same. i even wrote a whole essay about my phobia for that professor to help her see my side of it all. isnt it enough that im willing to expose myself to this daily because of how bad i want this?

i was fine, REALLY, i was fine not getting in this time. i really was because i was told left and right that getting in your first time is as likely as the lottery. so why does the girl that i see every single week for the past two semesters get in her first time? the same girl that ive constantly had to help through math and chemistry. who isnt confident in any of her homework answers. who needs me to hold her hand all the time through the complicated concepts.

and i know thats not fair of me to be angry at her. i know she works hard. she has good grades. shes in the honors program. but we both have medical experience. im 5+ years older than her. what did her personal statement have that mine didnt? why wasnt i good enough.

i know i am being over dramatic and acting very entitled but i cannot help but be angry and upset over this because i want this SO BADLY. i want this more than anything else and now i have to wait another year for it. a whole year of my life for the next slim chance of being picked. and what if im denied again? i'll be 27.

i want to start my career. i want to help my partner pay for our bills again. i want to stop struggling to survive. but now i have to wait and wait and wait. and i have to bend over backwards this next application period. get more certifications, dedicate more of my limited free time to volunteering. retake classes for a better gpa. spend more money. kill myself faster. struggle struggle struggle.

im so tired. im so fucking tired. im sick of being a student. im sick of college. im sick of feeling this age gap with my peers. im sick of being lonely. im sick of not being good enough. im sick of it all.

#shiba noises

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digitallumian · 2 years ago

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I know i said i wouldn’t post writings on my blog since it wasn’t good enough but uh i wanna see what tumblr thinks

MASSIVE TW: Mentions of Overdosing, bullying, suicide, drugs, Thoughts of self harm

I feel like i forgot to add more tw’s but its 5am/srs and I can’t remember if i need to add more

Some Context:

This is an AU of a Kaiju Paradise rp me and a friend made where what we think would have happened if these Characters weren’t exposed to Laminax Labs at a Young age.

>Two ocs, Buck and Blaxor, are not mine and therefore, don’t have much written about them here. <

This is told from the perspective of Kanade Yukimura, an Idol/Popstar which gives an explanation as to why she takes a break near two specific dates each year since the beginning of her career in an interview with a Journalist. Below is what was said in the interview.

Ever since Fourth Grade, Me and my friends had to deal with our own personal issues that we’d tell each other, One of us had it bad. Koneko was one of my closest friends. We did everything together and we even started dreaming of becoming idols together. when we hit fourth grade Koneko started being bullied by some kids in a higher grade than us. At first, it started as just insults on her comfort clothing and Interests and Koneko was able to take it because she knew it was ‘weird’ and that's why she liked it, but the bullying soon escalated and started getting physical.

The kids, who were in seventh grade, would Constantly push and shove Koneko when they got the chance to and Koneko seemed to try her best to not engage because whenever I and our friends convinced her to go to teachers, counselors, or even the principal about it but they’d just tell her to ignore it or ignore her. One day those bullies pushed Koneko down the stairs and she was rushed to the hospital, she awoke a week or two later, and I was so happy she was alive that I didn't care about anything else, this is when Koneko started to spiral deeper and deeper into depression though. In first grade, Koneko started drawing, and by fifth grade, she started showing us her drawings.

At first, her drawings were adorable usually drawings of her special interests at the time such as Pokemon, Vocaloid, or My Little Pony but the bullying started getting worse, Koneko couldn't go into the hallways without being harassed by her bullies, and watching her suffer pained me. I tried to help, I tried to protect her but we were younger and weaker and I already suffer from a condition that makes me even weaker than I already am so every time I tried to help I always failed and I’d be forced to watch as she got hurt over and over after I was harmed.

By seventh grade, Koneko’s drawings started getting concerning. It went from just fan art of her favorite media to more gore and vent art, she always disguised it as her own original characters or from series like The Evilious Chronicles and I didn't want to question her about it as I didn't want to seem pushy or even seem like I'm trying to be invasive of her personal problems.

Koneko always carried a diary, she never let anyone read it and kept it to herself due to it being one of the only times she could talk about her problems. Buck, Blaxor, and I knew she was Genderfluid and how she liked girls, she had written that in her journal because what kid wouldn't? After all a journal is a kid's written safe space after all. Somehow during P.E. One of the bullies broke into the locker Koneko’s diary was in and stole it, During lunch we used to sit together at the lunch tables and that's when it happened, The kid who had her journal and outed out many of her secrets including her gender identity and preference, She never stepped a foot in that cafeteria again.

Eighth grade rolled around and Koneko had become a shadow of her former self, she stopped drawing and burned her journal one day, she started falling asleep in class and would push me, Blaxor, and Buck away and no matter how hard we tried to help her, she never let us. One day Koneko got access to drugs, I can’t remember what grade we were in but I remember that day very clearly up to a certain point.

I went to visit Koneko that day because I was worried about her, Blaxor’s Dad had to pick her up because she had expressed thoughts of self-harm in one of her assignments and Konekos father was supposed to keep watch of her due to ‘the schools concern with things at home’, Konekos sibling Hex wasn’t home and was at military school so when I entered I was hoping that at least Konekos father was at least there, but the house was empty, I felt a sinking feeling, I slowly walked to Koneko’s room hoping that the feeling would go away and started asking if she's okay and if I could come in. There wasn’t an answer so I said I was going to go in and check on her, I gently opened the door... and Koneko was there.. on the floor with a bottle of pills in her hand.

I froze, I didn’t know what to do, I must have blacked out or I blocked out that part of the memory because the next thing I knew, I, Blaxor, and Buck were at the hospital, I was praying to every God possible at that moment, Hoping that Koneko would wake up and be okay. Luckily she woke up and I was so happy about it that I started crying, all that mattered to me at that moment was that she was alive. She was sent to a mental health facility after she was discharged from the hospital and I would visit along with Buck and Blaxor, she seemed so much happier there. When Koneko returned to school the bullying started again and it got worse.

Someone told the whole school about Koneko’s suicide attempt and being at the mental hospital and so many people would say horrible things. It was from things like “she's crazy” and “she's unstable” to things like “You should try again” or “Next time you try to overdose do it right”, This caused Koneko to Push everyone further away and it got to the point the only time she talked to us it'd be online with our group chat and even then it would always be with short phrases.

I Liked her, Like really liked her, I never told her though because of my fear of rejection but I wish I could go back and tell her that I loved her because I look back and realized that maybe those three words would have saved her.

It was ninth grade and the school year was nearly over, we just had three months left and at this point, Koneko never talked to me or the others as much as she used to. They had broken her down and she went from a young and hopeful child with dreams to someone I didn't even recognize anymore, she lost her spark and what made her so joyful. I realize it now but Koneko had been planning it for a while because one day she seemed so happy and gave Blaxor, Buck, and me her most valuable and sentimental things. She gave me a lot of her stuff like her guitar. I should have realized what she was doing due to the sudden shift in behavior because...

it took her away from me...

It was a Thursday and It was lunchtime. I was eating on the rooftop because we no longer sat in the cafeteria after the incident, I saw Koneko come from inside the building and walked to the Fence that surrounded the school's roof. I saw her climbing it and my vision started getting blurry and I started blacking out as I realized what she was doing, I screamed her name to try to get her to stop but as my vision cleared...

She was gone.

I don't remember much after she jumped. According to people who were there, I tried to climb the fence too but two kids grabbed me and held me back telling me that I had so much to live for and just trying to calm me down. The school was put on lockdown after a while. I could feel my phone Vibrating like crazy as Blaxor and Buck spammed the group chat. I didn't care. She was gone. I couldn't stop her. I knew she was suffering. I knew she was hurting, I saw the signs and I didn't do anything. An hour later, the school called the parents to pick up their kids as there was an incident at the school. Buck and Blaxor found me on the rooftop with the two other kids as no one came to get us. Of course they wouldn’t, that school didn’t care about us.

Buck and Blaxor tried to ask me questions but I couldn't hear anything, I could only hear a high pitch as I tried to process everything, I just refused to believe it. We went home and I just locked myself in my room, I refused to eat dinner or even any food after that, I felt sick, I felt like I was to blame because I saw the signs if I did something she would still be here. I felt disgusted in myself because I felt that because I didn't help her, I was just as disgusting as those kids that pushed her over the edge.

I didn't go to school for a month, and I refused to face the kids who were the reason Koneko was gone, turns out she survived the fall and was in a coma, I felt a sense of hope that she would be okay but...

Koneko’s father decided to just let her go...

Now she was truly gone...

I spiraled and barely ate any food, I just couldn't bring myself to be able to eat because of flashbacks to that day. It hurt and it still does. I considered self-harm and even considered Suicide to escape the pain I was experiencing that barely anyone took seriously.

I returned to school a month later and talk about that day was still happening. I couldn't take it, I felt sick, I started getting dizzy, and passed out. I remember waking up in the nurse's office and she asked me if I was okay. She's the only one who cared about any of us, She was a mandated reporter though so I lied and said I was okay.

That same day an assembly about suicide was scheduled to happen, it also served as a memorial for Koneko. I hate that school, and I still hate it to this day, During the assembly, I blocked out everything the school said because it was all a lie, It was just lies and I hated it, I heard kids snickering and laughing during the assembly, I felt sick again, I hated being there. I walked out of the gym, Shaking and in tears and called my mom to take me home early.

I convinced my mom to let me stay home the rest of the year as I couldn't take being there anymore, she told me that I still would have to attend school next year which I agreed to.

I look back at everything that happened and I wish I did something, I still blame myself for it and I’ve been told that it’s not my fault but if I just did something she would still be here.

...

I kept her diary and her guitar. Her father reluctantly gave me her phone with everything still on it, I never changed anything on it.

On her birthday and on her deathdate. I always play her favorite song on her guitar or the piano with Koneko’s Brother, Hex. I listen to the music she used to listen to, watch the media she used to indulge in, and even try do things that she wished to do in life, Such as becoming an Idol.

I might be crazy for doing all of this but I don't care about what others might say. That school and the people in it broke a girl who simply wanted to grow up like every other person on this damn hellscape of a planet. I’ll keep living and I’ll fight on as a way to Inspire others like we wanted to do.

Just for her.

#ocs #writing #ig story #story #short story #oc stuff #oc tag #queer writers #writer #may be triggering #oc story #only reason this exists was to make my friend cry #could this really be put under The Kaiju Paradise tag?#ametuer writer

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cynicjovial · 2 months ago

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I found your thought about your own art on the personal post tag. You said you werent happy with what you draw but you still like drawing. In this statement, there is something negative, but a HUGE positive! This means that every "wrong" drawing won't terminate your will to draw, and that's ideal. Now; when i read those confessions and saw your drawing, i noticed that you don't seem... secure in what you draw? (1/2)

I want to respond to this to at least notify you that I have acknowledged it.

I understand what you are saying and know what you are talking about, but I still have problems to apply that to myself also due to the fact that it still a little too vague to me in some points. Which drawings are the ones that feel insecure? Do my washi tape drawings look too safe? Can you make an example on one of my oil pastel piece to explain "moving in many directions"? It just... says a lot and nothing to me, maybe other people can get this immediately, but I can only look at my drawings and trying to figure out what is that other people see as wrong (not counting stuff like anatomy or skill errors) I know my last drawings are all same-y as I got a new set of gel pens and I'm having fun coloring with them but this is another thing. Most of the time making a picture is not putting my feelings down, is to try and replicate the image in my head because I wanna see it and it makes me happy. What I want to do artistically is to being able to make something and go "yep, this is nice and close to my vision!" I feel like what I'm doing already is going off with my feelings. I do vent art. I do tired doodles. Maybe my problem is not doing that enough and not posting everything on my social media. Idk I agree I do circle around my safe zone but it feels like to me and you whats that to me are two different ones.

This is one of my last "drawings" I did from exhaustion due to stress. I didn't want to draw but I forced myself to do it because I hadnt been drawing in days (you can tell by my latest posting schedule too). Maybe people want to see that and appreciate this kind of art more of the ones I'm actually proud of, I don't know, but making more of this would mean I'd have to feel miserable, and I'm terrified of the thought that I have to stop training in a certain way or ditch a type of drawing that I like doing because it's "not for me" or because I'm wasting my potential. Maybe Im too sensitive about this because years ago a group of friends told me why make pretty drawings when you should focus on making funny ones instead. it was a nice way to say "you're not talented enough to be on our drawing level but you are funny so you should stick to that instead of thinking of becoming an illustrator" and I know it was supposed to be a compliment but it's not to me. You are right I am insecure, about a lot of other stuff too

Is this a good piece or is it too all over the place? What is unleashing the process? Like I said at the start it's just not specific enough for me to understand the problem, I get the solution you're suggesting but not what am I supposed to recover from. My main problem I think that I don't get enough time to draw both what I should be doing and what I would like to do, and I know that makes my improvement very slow, and I think so that what you're trying to say is instead of trying to strengthen my weak points I should exploit more my stronger ones. And this is why I have issues understanding how not to "play it safe" I believe

I know this is a long rant but this made me think of my last drawings (and well that vent was like from march iirc) and my art in general and there is not a simple way to answer to this without bringing up my confusion. Maybe I'm also too detached to my feelings and the audience can see more than I do. I really don't know, sorry. But as for lately I'm liking what I'm drawing despite knowing that I can do better. I don't have the time to stress over it. I just wanna be happy.

#personali posti #ask #long post

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toopimpabutterfly · 3 months ago

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me when he started

drawing minors x adults "as a joke", favorited minor x teacher works, favorited some weird work about Littles and stuff, and kept up with the adult and minor stuff after I explained to him that it kinda weirded me out (CSA survivor) and he still did it??

that and me made me apologize for acting out after getting 😬'ed cause I acted out in confusion and rage and he ignored me all day, coming back telling me to apologize?????

That and his constant saying "you're just like your mom!" for doing drugs, being angry, or suddenly upset knowing full well that is what I'm terrified of being and saying it knowing she hurts me, like damn he might genuinely be a terrible person idk!!!

like I admit, I was too pushy, too jealous at times and such but that's cause for 2 years I was telling him how to love me while not having a support system, getting SA'd, him punishing me by stopping doing things that comforted me, pushing me away multiple times, randomly blocking me, ignoring me, ect ect, and making me feel even more guilty over mutiple attempts on my life??? When I stated multiple times I wish I could take it all back, how I made him feel trying to take my life, but every time he used them against me.

I exploded at times like most people are going to, that and I was dealing with financial issues? not having food? proper care at times due to my families issues?? or financial situation?? my mom running away with her ex husband from 20+ years ago?? right after she for 3-4 years had been a junkie and abusing me and my brother and dad??

Every argument could've been solved so fucking easy, but I was talking to someone who apperently couldn't change! cause apperently I was a horrible person to him, when I was trying my best, being there for him and everything.

He was the one who even though knowing how his best friend and ex made me feel cried for a while week over him potentially moving away. (the friend didn't) and for a week I was left with you telling me how you were jealous he might get new friends and such. You were jealous he was bringing his NEW FRIENDS to homecoming? thinking it was just gonna be you two?? You went with him to hoco every year and every year you got jealous he brought other people. like fuck man, you more jealous over your own best friend over me.

only time you got jealous over me was when someone was being nice to me, comforting me, trying to in a PLATONIC way give me what I need, and I declined their offer to help me break up with you? cause I fucking loved you. They wanted to date me, but I kept saying no cause I loved you.

But there you are getting jealous over your ex and their friends? you don't expect me to be a bit eh? knowing my ex before you cheated on me? and it made me really insecure about people leaving or cheating?

And knowing he was always tryna break us up I fucking hate you so much holy shit you're a horrible person I hope you know that, always tryna call me horrible when I was acting out caused I was scared, hurt, and tired of telling someone how to love me.

You aren't a man you are a fucking boy, I shouldn't have to tell a man how to love me for 2 years straight and have to feel guilty over him getting me food, or him insulting me, insulting me for acting out, implying I was a whore for trying to move on from you after we broke up for 2 weeks?

#toopimpabutterfly #tw

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pridayph · 4 months ago

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A real life update i guess... Part 1

First, i just want to say thank you to everyone who had visit my blog and liked some of my artworks for really long time.

But second, without my tablet, i afraid that i can't draw anything anymore.

Because third, i started a new job since august 8 and i had to work through weeks and no off days every weekend unlike my last company.

And fourth, I living inside company's dormitary, it mean i can't bring my tablet with me due thief issues and this is also not a privacy place at all, living with 7 people inside one room.

...

At the moment i writing this, i having some mental issues and looking for supports.

Since i have to do night shift, i'm basically only allow to go home after 7 am, it was morning already and this is the worst part.

I have to do everything quietly because some of my dormmate who also working at night shift like me are trying to sleep and hate disturbing by any sounds. Once day, i accidently close the door too loud and one of my dormmate said something mostly threaten and violent at my place. I got panic a lot because he really want to beat me right in the place rn, he doesn't mention my name but he said "Little kid" or something, and i believe he talking to me because i already knew i was the one who closed the door too loud and got someone angry even if it was an accident and no harm to anyone.

But half of hour later, he keep talk like that again, i remember i keep stay quiet whole time and not respond to anything he said. But i can't stay quiet anymore because i had to say sorry to him before things getting worst, because this is a public place anyway and everything are not safe here.

Welp, i did say sorry to him. And do you believe what did he say?

"I'm talking to the one on the top".

I'm sitting on bellow of the bed, and there is a guy on the top of the bed (It was two floors bed).

So he doesn't talk like that to me whole time?

So i'm just crying on the bed like that... i though they hate me and want to hit me so bad and i'm was ready to take that. But this is it? He just say he talk to the one on top of me and not me after all and told me "Don't be autism".

I still not trust him, because soon or later he will go after me, because i'm too clumsy enough to get threaten days by days.

And even after that, i still hate this place.

As a person who have been living with physical abuse and mental abuse since middle school, i can't stop thinking about traumas and keep haunting me until now.

My bed are really noisy everytime i sleep on it and peoples near me keep yelling me for no reason every fucking time, they didn't fix it and that's how my bed still my worst nightmare everytime i'm back from work.

You see, i only have 1 year of digital art, and not good enough to do commission, even worst, i have to make money at the age of 30s. I'm looking for another home place near to my company, but expensive and i afraid my salary is only enough to keep me survive a month with nothing left to save. I can't upgrade anything...

Since i'm switched to sketchbook, my drawing became worst and to be honest i can't show anything to you guys yet, it just too ugly and too much chicken sketches, but not became even a shape i want.

So, i hope you guys understand for my situations, i know i suppose not to do this, but i feel my art journey can't grow anywhere, i scare to draw everyday and out of motivations... Because i can't draw for nobody and post them into the void, this is not what i want.

If not because i'm living inside a public dorm, i can grab my tabet and draw anything. But sadly my home is too far away, it just 2 hours from here but most of the time i'm too sleepy and i can't take it anymore. Now i only have a sketchbook which doesn't work so far.

I want to draw, but i only have one sunday, and sometime i don't have sunday at all due overtimes spamming.

I'm sorry...

#vent #life update #blog #tumblog

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illimitablespaces · 5 months ago

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Dear Reader,

My mental, physical, and spiritual predicaments continue, and I've no outlet for any of it other than the present space. So, do forgive my indulgence in that.

There is no simple or easy route for me to take with the thoughts and sentiments I am about to express, and I appreciate your taking of a gentle approach to my writing as of late. Not that there is much say in the matter, as I write into the digital ether, as it were, and I am sole author and audience during the time this writing remains in draft form, until I click the "post" link. Then I do hope for your gentle understanding and engagement, if so moved, Dear Reader.

Now, where to begin? I wrestle with the thought of a narrative approach here... it seems too difficult a task to make it a viable option, given my emotionally and mentally turbid state of mind.

If you have read any of the sparse personal posts I've shared recently, you may have some notion of my being upset, in a multitude of ways. Essentially, what has been culminating in bouts of anger and disgust from me lately has been the bitter fruit of about five or six years of suppressed sadness, now fermented through some pretty bad depressive episodes (including an unsuccessful attempt to end my life) and my resolve to keep up some semblance of normalcy has completely eroded.

Much to my dismay and frustration, this misbegotten expression--which outs at the slightest trigger--seems an unbridled thing, seeking to enact disaster and destruction upon anything and anyone around me. It is indeed anger, but perhaps 'wrath' is more appropriate a term. For what exactly, I shall to relate here, in writing, without becoming too emotional in the process.

To sum up what has been at the root of the problem is this--and I shall spare many, many details as I feel myself becoming negatively excited by the stirring of my memory.

About six years ago, after my partner and I recently moved house (not quite one year into our relationship), and after an emotionally difficult move at that, I was in our new apartment surrounded by yet-to-be-unpacked boxes and furniture fresh off the moving truck. My partner was due to fly across the country to attend a memorial service for his dear friend who had recently passed away while I was to remain behind and begin sorting out our belongings. On the day he was supposed to catch his flight, my partner left in the late morning to the airport. Feeling exhausted yet wanting some fresh air, I decided to then take a walk around the near streets to get my bearings for what would be our new neighborhood. I walked to clear my mind for maybe two hours or so, after which I came back to the apartment, had lunch, and began cleaning the cat boxes since I thought the cats' needs should come before I start with objects like books and such. It happened that my partner arrived back at our apartment, startling me, since I was in the bathroom and didn't think anyone would be coming in the door. I remember asking what happened, and he related something about the flight being delayed and they had an issue with the plane wing or something to that affect. He was clearly agitated and I didn't know what to say or do exactly. But he became angry with me, and wondered why I didn't have our things unpacked and put away. Of course, this seemed ridiculous considering that would mean taking an entire home out of boxes, and finding places for everything and whatnot. And I did say I was starting with the cats' needs first before getting into any boxes.

He didn't seem to care and he became quite angry, gripping me tightly on my forearms, setting his fingernails into my skin.

It hurt. There were marks. I don't remember the sequence of events after that but at some point he began scratching my arms and my neck, drawing blood. I was frightened and I'm fairly certain I was crying.

Now I must stop there with that incident. But I wish I could say that was the only time and the worst of those attacks. Unfortunately, no. For the year that followed living in that apartment, the scratching, hitting, and verbal abuse continued.

I lost count of how many times I was called names such as "stupid bitch," or "dumb cunt." I lost count of the scratch marks on my arms, hands, and neck, or how many times I had my hair ripped from my scalp. I can't recall a day in that year where one or more horrible things didn't happen to me. One time I was hit in the face with a laptop, causing me to bleed all over my shirt and trousers and the next day I was left wondering if I should spend money on food or bandages. Another time I was hit with the same laptop on the other side of my head and I actually lost a piece of my ear... I watched horrified as it fell into the bathroom sink and down the drain along with so much blood.

Why, oh why didn't I leave then? I ask this question of myself often and truly, I don't know what possessed me to stay or remain silent. I regret not doing so and even now, I regret my current state of existence. I wish that I had been successful in killing myself four years ago, when I tried to overdose on anti-anxiety medication.

Now here I am, still with this person, who has somehow and for whatever reason, stopped this behavior. It's been a few years since any sort of verbal degradation has been hurled at me, and one year more than that when I was last hit physically. I think I was just too afraid and too exhausted and feeling too lost to do anything until now. Speaking of these things and my emotions has been difficult, and even with apologies and avowals, I can't come to relegate my pain to the past. This is why I wish to find help, in some professional capacity, to sort out the fragments of my life and make a sensible--and livable--whole.

The last two years have been particularly trying, as I struggle with anger and rage over those incidents. It seems now that I'm not living in total survival mode I have begun the difficult journey of processing what happened to me. And to say that I'm angry or upset is stating it much too kindly--I've given myself over to fits of rage of which I never imagined myself capable.

I have been desperately seeking help that I may process these emotions and incidents in a healthy and productive manner, but the fact that I don't have health insurance to seek out affordable options makes it difficult. On my own, I can only do so much, and both spiritual and artistic resources aren't helping as well as I believed they might. I need professional guidance but that has been put on the side for consideration as I try to help care for my partner's health issues and also wonder at times how to feed ourselves. I often wonder also, why am I even here and why didn't I just leave?

My life at the moment appears to me a wretched one. I despise my existence. I struggle to find any source of joy or respite from the daily chore of living. Were it not for my harboring of some pitiful hope within my heart, I would try again to put an end to my so-called life. But for whatever reason, I can't. Perhaps I am destined to make this pain useful at some other time or in some other place. For now, I simply (rather, arduously) go through the motions of my life, only seeking, as I've stated before, to "get the job done."

Truly, I wish (in this moment at least) for a glint of hope that would render my current (negative) state of mind entirely false, and that the journey toward moving on and healing might actually be possible in reality, not merely some passing fantasy or theoretical exercise.

I will end my entry here. I have been hesitant to share this here, and I may very well delete this post soon. It's too personal, much more personal than I have ever been here before.

I beg your indulgence, Reader, as I stumble and make attempts to find footing within this thing I call my life. A the time of writing, I hold a hope (a quite anemic hope) it will become better in time. In the meantime, I haven't edited this draft past completion, though I had many starts and stops for the greater part of a week as I composed this here. As it is, I ask your patience and perhaps your prayers.

Until next time, Dear Reader,

Take care, and be well--M

#this is quite a lengthy post #I almost certainly will delete #too much pain and sorrow and anger #perhaps trigger warning for violence and suicide mention

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kaimukiwahine · 6 months ago

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A long ramble post while I go Pokemon Go-ing

I remember hearing somewhere how you draw is a reflection of yourself. Guess my way is very thin lines, neutral colors, have a billion layers/folders/draft layers, scratchy? I don't know what can be said.

Can only say that I, no matter how much shenanigans and bullsheitery I spout out on the daily, am very much timid and shy. Try to not stand out too much but still want to get along and be noticed. Don't want to tread on anyone. Always needing a safety net because I have no self-confidence.

Friends, especially some new ones I just met from the Militsioner community, say my style is wholesome and comforting. And I'm really happy to hear that because it is the opposite of what's happening "upstairs". I know sometimes or all the time I fall back on darker things but I try to counterbalance it out.

(diving into more dark topics, opt out if you're not in the proper headspace)

Never shy away from saying I have been in a bad headspace multiple times. Can date way back to my senior year in high school and picked up after my first semester in college. But it was just small push and pulls. Though I'm more reflective now because it's hard to believe same time three years ago, it was the start of a constant struggle on wanting to be alive.

Not gonna dive much into it here, feel free to ask if you want, but I didn't receive any help or support for a long time. In other people's views, it wasn't an issue but had so much happening. Thesis, school, work (and searching for post school work), and now my home environment felt unsafe due to a single person who does not respect me nor my family, heck even our neighborhood.

Police calls were made, and brushed off. I reached out to friends, received the generic answers and responses. One just straight up left me after taking me to our campus health crisis counselors. Parents and family, I'm being overreactive and need to stop. Psychologist/psychiatrist, nothing they could do and I wasted my time waiting and hoping for them to do something.

Even my doctor just added more fuel to the inferno. Met them a day after my birthday and was told to hurry up and do the birds and bees. My body is not getting younger and I'm a ticking time bomb before I can no longer reproduce. Continued to press why I wanted to not alive which I had no answer. To give me a response that I wanted to cripple myself for attention and for people to become my servants.

Can't begin to count how many times I thought of chugging bleach or any chemicals we had in my lab. Every thought that ran through my head when I held a knife. The belts hung on our bathroom door could be made into something and it's so easy to lock the door. This went on everyday for almost two years. And all I was given was bottle of anti-anxiety pills, a cup of "just grow up and deal with it", and a deep spiraling mind that just wants everything to stop.

But, gladly it is all in the past. The person is no longer here. I don't have that doctor anymore (she might have been fired because what she did was not an isolated thing). And I am in a slightly better headspace but I am still grappling with things as this whole thing ended at the start of 2023.

Started this long ramble with art and how it reflects the person. Art was all I had to keep me grounded. Had my To the Moon comic and thankfully the TWH AU blog came around just four-five days prior as I planned to stop on my birthday.

I could have drawn the dark things in my head but I wanted to be happy and make others happy too. So I'm happy that people are happy when they see what I draw even when I am not fully happy just yet.

tl;dr: I draw. I cry. I thought of and almost not-alived. But I am slowly building back up.

Hoping to get a shiny ultra beast :pray:

#mumbles #skip out if you're not in a good mindset #just feeling reflective; three years since

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harrogaterailwayladies · 1 year ago

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Devs Captain Elaine Bennett Talks About The Season So Far.

The Harrogate Railway Ladies first team had a free weekend so no game this week (28/01/24) but the remaining teams turned out in style with three wins out of three games for the Reserves, Under 18s and Devs!

The newest Ladies Development team held up their part with a 1-0 win over Collingham Junior Women FC in the newly formed Harrogate Beginners League. This weekend brings their season tally to five wins, three draws and one loss in their nine games leaving them sat in 2nd place. We are all so proud of the team for this phenomenal effort in their first ever season!

We caught up with Elaine Bennett - Captain of the Devs to tell us more about their impressive season.

"Hello Elaine, the Devs have had an amazing run of results since they formed in the Summer, can you tell us a bit about the squad and how you've enjoyed the season so far?"

"The squad is made up of a mixed bag of ability and football experience. I recall in the summer most turning up saying they have never kicked a ball, other's turned up saying they used to kick a ball but haven't in years and some turned up thinking you could catch the ball from a throw in.

It doesn't matter to us the ability or experience, what matters is turning up and giving it a go. Seeing what happens and growing as a team together, regardless of ability. Personally I have loved being part of the squad and seeing others grow and develop as well as myself, people beginning to believe in themselves has been truely humbling to be part of.

They really are a great bunch, every single one of them.

I enjoyed our undefeated streak, which sadly came to an end, as all good things do but great to bounce back with a win this weekend. We learn and we grow as a squad and a community who want to win the league at some point.

I'm looking forward to seeing where we finish and we aim for as close to the top as possible."

"The new beginners league in Harrogate was set up to be a more sociable and easier access option than the very competitive West Riding County Women's league. As a shift worker yourself how have you found the schedule and atmosphere within the league?"

"As a shift worker I have found this league easier to be part of. Less of a commitment is required as matches are mostly every second or third week. I feel less guilt for not being available.

Even though we train weekly and I do have to miss some of them I don't feel like I miss too much. I can book annual leave or swap shifts much easier due to less matches being played.

As much as I would love to be part of the higher, more competitive leagues in reality it just doesn't fit my work life balance.

This league seems perfect, albeit, did have some teething issues as its in its first season, but that's to be expected.

I'm so glad Alan our coach and Emma from reserves encouraged me to side step from the reserves, the Railway club truly has brought so much to my life over the past two years. The atmosphere in the league is friendly but still competitive. I hope it continues to be that way in the future.

If you've ever thought about giving football a try and have life commitments that stop you from being able to play every week then this is the league for you. Harrogate Railway is the team for you if you have positive attitude and a can do mind set."

"They really are one big family. Great bunch, good team ethos and the coaching team are amazing!"

The Devs team are looking for players to join their squad after losing a few players to injury, job changes and pregnancy! We would love to hear from anybody who'd like to try playing football or even return to football after a break. We try to keep a mix of male and female coaches and we would love to invite potential recruits to a free training session. All you need to get started is a pair of trainers and a positive attitude!

The team are also looking for additional coaching staff or a player coach as the brilliant Devs Manager Lauren Talbot will soon be headed on maternity leave herself. Get in touch and get involved!

#football #harrogate #harrogate railway #womens football #woso #barclays wsl #england lionesses #sports #lionesses

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anthos-magiko · 2 years ago

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TW: MENTION OF AB//SE, S//XUAL HARASSMENT, ABLEISM, UNDERAGE M//RIJ//NA USE AND UNDERAGE DRINKING MENTIONED & S//LF H//RM

OMGGG HIII my favourite oc is my special interest soooooo let's go >:3

(credits to djarn picrew for the pic)

Her name's Zoë Yang and she's 15 years old and half Greek and half South Korean. She's questioning her pronouns and temporarily uses she/her and she's also questioning her gender but she's a lesbian and maybe genderflux. She's also an atheistic satanist, she supports acab + blm + sah (stop asian hate), she's an antifascist, feminist and anti-conformist.

Basically about her backstory she was and is abused by her mother due to her disabilities (she has ADHD, dyslexia and she's hard of hearing on her left ear) and the fact that she wasn't perfect in everything like the Greek system wants everyone to be but also because the mom got angry really often and took it out on the first person she saw. Her parents fought really often but her father did care about her and her siblings but he's the kind of person to put himself first so he frequently left and came back and the saga continued. They would actually get a divorce but dad has a job that offers a lot of money and mom doesn't so she doesn't wanna get a divorce so they can't because u need both of them to agree to be divorced. Anyway back to Zoë. There was actually a time when her mother kicked her in the back of her head until she was unconscious and had minor brain damage to her cerebellum (the part of the brain that controls motor skills) so now she has various problems due to that too. So due to the fighting and constant anger of her mother therefore the danger of being hit, she didn't really stay at home much and was out all day and night either with her friends or alone but mostly alone so she got s//xually harassed by many old men and that's also because of the fact that her body is almost like the beauty standard they wanted her even more so that led her to not exactly be insecure but want to change her body so old men won't want to harass her.

Mentally, she generally has a really hard time because of all the disorders and mental illnesss she has which are ADHD, dyslexia, generalised anxiety disorder, panic disorder, brain damage, moderate hearing loss on her left ear and anger issues. And because of her anger issues she s//lf h//rms to take her anger out on something because the times when she took it out on someone else didn't end up well (she broke her brother's arm, severely injured a classmate's ribs, broke two fingers of a classmate, has broken several things and heavily insulted others).

However, to cope with all these mental problems she's going through she didn't turn to healthy coping mechanisms. Instead, she turned to smoking (and vaping but it's almost the same), marijuana use and drinking alcohol (though she's not addicted). She has an energy drink addiction too since she likes staying awake even though she gets tired easily.

Now abt her hobbies she likes playing the guitar, listening to music (fav genre is punk rock), hanging out with her friends and brother, singing, doing makeup, watching horror movies and anime, reading books (also horror), gaming (fav games r danganronpa and fnaf) and drawing. She's also a really sporty person since in the past she did ballet and hip-hop (for 10 years), figure skating (for 6 years) and football (for 5 years) and she still likes all these sports but doesn't have the money to attend classes at the moment. She also like learning languages as she knows English, French, Korean and Greek (the last two r her native ones but yknow). Despite being good at so many things she doesn't have academic skills and generally isn't good at what she doesn't enjoy doing (ADHD here, i can relate)

Other random facts abt her r that she has two black kittens, i've only mentioned her brother but she does have a younger sister too but the sister's afraid of her due to her aggressiveness so they don't really interact much, she has a gf named Mirela, people ship her with her best friend (named Apollon) but he's gay and she's a lesbian and taken as i mentioned above, she loves piercings and tattoos and already has like 31 piercings but no tattoos

I can't think of anything else rn but i'll edit if i ever think abt anything else

@ any writeblr friends who see this — HAPPY WIP WRITING WEDNESDAY!! reblog this with information about your favorite oc. talk about their story, their backstory, their hobbies, their secrets. i want to know anything you love about them :))

open tag who anyone who wants to join!!

#this took me two days #writers better see this and interact or else #writeblr

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unnamedelement · 2 years ago

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Rings of Power ‘Review,’ featuring wood-elves and gender

I’m writing this for two reasons. Firstly, processing things in writing sometimes lets me stop obsessively thinking about them and actually get on with my life, which has been a major issue for me this past week. Second, people keep asking me what I think of the show and who I think The Stranger is (which I won’t actually be talking about here, but short answer is one of the Istari, probably Gandalf, which doesn’t make canonical/historical sense but does make narrative sense, though the Blue Wizards make historical/timeline sense, based on drafts/notes – phew!). Anyway, it is exhausting and anxiety-provoking to give the same thoughts to people across different parts of my life repeatedly, so I am putting it all in one place, though I would not count on this every week. So. Transitioning to the essay, which will be heavily footnoted, just like the Professor himself. I am not sorry.

Thoughts on Rings of Power: Episodes 1 and 2

Rings of Power (RoP) has proved to be a different story than most of us could have guessed, given the scant scaffolding provided on the First and Second Ages in the The Hobbit (TH), The Lord of the Rings (LotR), and the LotR Appendices, those sources show-creators actually have access to directly use. (Admittedly, info on the Second Age anywhere is sparse, per not only Tolkien’s own admission in Letters but fans’ own scouring of the texts and drafts for scraps of lore.) In this post, I want to talk about some of the things I loved and did not love about the first two episodes of this particular adaptation. I will try not to get super into the weeds with lore here, because most people who follow me in these spaces already understand how this adaptation changed major plot, character history, and historical points. Instead, I want to talk about (a) my personal experiences with RoP, including (i) pre-watching anxieties and beliefs and (ii) watching- and fandom-related joys; and (b) my ongoing and developing thoughts about (i) Silvan and Nandorin representation in the context of intra-elven relations in the larger legendarium and (ii) concepts of gender reflected in RoP design choices.

Personal Experience

First, I want to talk about how I prepared for this adaptation, which is that I acknowledged it, ignored it, and then went feral with excitement (and debilitating anxiety) about it, all within the course of a one-year period. Anyone who knows me in fandom probably knows that–when I have enough energy to consistently engage–I try very hard to make the Tolkien world a welcoming place for people. As someone who was a child/teen in online Tolkien fandom as Peter Jackson’s adaptations were coming out (yes, I discovered fanfiction perhaps way too early), I was quite traumatized by some older, lore-heavy fans who vehemently corrected–and sometimes even subtly mocked–me as I was working my way through the appendices, the Silmarillion, and Unfinished Tales. I am therefore very passionate about civility (within reason–I draw the line at supremacist nonsense) in fandom spaces. Ultimately, I never want rejection or belittling–subtle or outright–to be how people experience Tolkien fandom, or even scholarship: gatekeeping helps no one. (Insert boost for the new blog @tolkienfandomagainstgatekeeping!).

Still, while I did preach kindness and encouraged welcoming behavior in the year preceding the release, I nevertheless experienced a lot of change-related anxiety as a neurodivergent person preparing for the potential fandom-related change bound to happen in online Tolkien communities as we processed the new show; dealt with some people’s real (and, admittedly, sometimes scary) rage regarding–and therefore their disingenuous attempts to derail the success of the show due to–race and white supremacy; and, finally, prepared for the influx of fans to the open system of online fandom. I had to take a break from actively engaging with fandom because I could not handle the constant RoP-related emotional stimulus from all sides. However, when I saw the final RoP trailer, their sweeping vision of Middle-earth blew me away–my anxiety morphed into excitement by the end of those three minutes. I did not sleep the night before it came out, and I had to take off work the days after to emotionally recover from it.[1] (I unfortunately do not make the rules for how, when, and why my brain is overstimulated.)

Appreciated Moments

At this point, I will transition to a few things that I absolutely loved. This section is less critical and lore-heavy than the following ones, but we will start with a pseudo-lore moment I loved: the symbolism of the opening scene with Galadriel and the other children. While the show cannot talk about the Kinslayings–which is hugely problematic to me from an elven relations and politics perspective (more on that later)–this scene is very clearly an allusion to the Kinslaying at Alqualondë and the burning of the Telerin swan boats.[2] Whether these children who are harassing Galadriel are actually her Feanorian cousins or not, we cannot guess for certain, as we don’t have a clear birthdate for most of the younger Finweans.[3] (Further, if we think about it too hard, things get complicated and confusing very quickly.)[4] Still, it was a nice little homage to the parts of history the show is not allowed to talk about–I teared up due to the beauty of the setting combined with the lore it evoked, which is a very near and dear part of the legendarium to me. That being said, I think that opening scene made some of the lore choices that followed hurt all the more for those of us who did immediately understand the reference, as it alluded to an imminent complexity and nuance that, for me, the show ultimately did not–and, frankly, cannot–deliver. Still, I liked it. Mostly.

Next, I appreciated moments of the dwarven representation, and every single moment of the dwarven design. Having been introduced to LotR prior to Peter Jackson’s (PJ’s) adaptation, I latched onto a few characters at a young age and, for me–for some reason–that was Legolas and Gimli. Gimli in the books is rational yet passionate but, more than anything, he is silvertongued and poetic. As much as I love John Rhys-Davies’ performance in the PJ films, the writers made some mistakes in their choices regarding his role as, almost entirely, comic relief. The representation in the dwarves of Khazad-dum/Moria in this adaptation goes some way in repairing the lasting image of dwarves that took hold in fan communities following the PJ films. I found the opening scene–in which the dwarves challenged Elrond to a…show of strength?–a little hard to follow and a bit strange and othering given the show is told almost entirely from an elven point of view thus far, but I was overall pleased. I found Durin III and Disa likable, and the scene at the kitchen table went a long way to endearing Elrond’s character in this adaptation to me, while cementing Disa as an excellent original character in her own right. Overall, the design team blew me away with their conception of Khazad-dum. The ferns hanging off the side of the cliff inside the entrance illogically moved me to tears, and the dwarven ingenuity represented by the pulley-based elevator system felt very true to how I have always imagined dwarves. My only hope is that Celebrimbor and Narvi have some screentime. Elrond can't have everything.

Finally, like almost everyone, I enjoyed the Harfoots. [5] While I have heard a lot of commentary about how “hobbits weren’t supposed to be involved in the major events of the Second Age!!”, I also think it’s worth reminding the world that (a) hobbit-like folk were living in the Vales of Anduin by the Third Age, and it would be absolutely bonkers to think they never interacted with or minorly influenced characters who do have a “documented” role if they had been out and about earlier; (b) almost everything Tolkien wrote about history is written “within” his Secondary World, i.e., by one of the characters he imagined kept historical records and, thus, there is likely inherent narrative bias to what we do “know” about the Second Age; and (c) wood-elves were mostly only mentioned in the context of the Second Age in relation to Sindarin and Noldorin migration and expansion, but no one is complaining about Arondir. (Okay, they are, but they’re complaining about him for racist reasons, not simply because wood-elves exist in this telling.)

Oh, and the music! I am not the right person to talk about the music, but that–combined with the gorgeous design and setting–will keep me coming back for the rest of the season, regardless of what happens.

Nandorin-Silvan Elves, Intra-elven Relations, and the Related Significance of Omitted Elven History

Now, on to the critique. Let me start by saying: this section is heavily influenced by the utter bewilderment I have felt over the past year trying to understand how a show can be set in the Second Age without rights to most of the material of the First. What is the point in making a show when you cannot actually adapt the material realistically? While that is not the point of this section, it is hard for me to disentangle, so it feels only right to mention it.

Since I started writing this review, I came across @itariilles own excellent review on elves in the first two episodes of RoP. I recommend reading her piece as I will not be rehashing the points she made here regarding Galadriel’s character and motivation(s) or the complexity of casting an actor of color as a Silvan elf, with particular attention to her sections “Galadriel’s Motivations” and “Fantasy Racism Against Elves.” To understand more where some of the frustrations expressed by Itariiles, myself, and many other fans come from, I would further, and selfishly perhaps, recommend reading the section Consequences of Resettlement: The “Sindarizing” of the “Wild,” “Lesser” Elves by the Sindarin Princes and Noldorin Exiles of Beleriand in my linked paper here. Because I cannot write this section without at least mentioning elven ethnicity and lore, I do suggest refreshing your brain if you are not familiar with elven cultural groups across the Ages; and then proceed while keeping in mind the following: “Within Tolkien’s elven worlds, these [elven] hierarchies are governed by (a) proximity to Aman and the Valar and, within Middle-earth, (b) proximity to the Noldor, with the Nandor and then the Avari being most distant. Characteristic phrases used to describe the Silvan and Avari are ‘lesser Elves,’ ‘lesser Silvan race,’ ‘wild,’ ‘savage,’ ‘rude and rustic,’ and ‘more dangerous, less wise’” (...me, 2021). [6]

Itariiiles’ does an excellent job outlining why it is odd Silvan elves would be reporting to the High King Gil-galad at this point in Second Age history. She additionally reviews the complexity of the showrunners placing the Tirharad (the human people we see in the Southlands parts of the episode) under Elven dominion. She notes, “A line said by a Silvan soldier reasoning their station over the men of Tirharad as ‘descendants of those who served Morgoth' is uncomfortable as it plays into the established trope of South/Eastern men being inherently evil which links into Orientalist ideas of the East being perceived as fundamentally Other.” This is something I want to take a step further. In this adapted world in which, presumably, Silvan elves answer to the “higher” Noldor, what does it mean that the Silvan folk are being used to carry out what essentially amounts to Noldorin occupation of Mannish lands?

I have a few issues with this, and it has taken me a while to really pinpoint why, and I’m still not quite there on expressing it and do not expect to be until I have more data from the show. Still, the first thing that bothers me about this setup is that–in this adapted universe–the Silvans reporting to the High Noldor creates unique issues across multiple contexts:

If we are fans of the traditional legendarium, this choice in the adaptation puts the Silvan in an even more more subservient context that Tolkien’s explicit and implicit language originally placed them (which is highly impressive); and

It tells us that within the adapted universe, the Noldor use another ethnic group–one traditionally ranked less highly–to carry out suppression and oversight of a third ethnic group.

This approach has not been uncommon in colonial and neocolonial history and, certainly, utilizing another group of people to establish and maintain strategic governmental and military control is part and parcel of imperialism. While all elves–in the ethnic hierarchy of Middle-earth–may be ranked higher than Men (due to being valued as firstborn by Illuvatar) and, thus, this oppression is not exactly lateral, it is still using one group of people to manage another, while the person in charge essentially handles war, decisions, and paperwork elsewhere.

Of course, all of this whining and speculating could be blown out of the water by something I could never have expected in this RoP universe as the episodes progress–in that they go “on record” changing the history of these ethnic and racial groups, or they reveal that the Noldor are already integrated with the Silvan at this point–but my hopes are not high. Itariiiles’ point–one also made by a speaker on the RoP reaction panel at Oxonmoot, as well (@fernstrike)–still is not insignificant: What does it mean that the only actor of color cast as an elf thus far is a Silvan reporting to the Noldor, while all the Noldor we have seen–in the first two episodes, at least–are white? We cannot escape the potential impact, as choices in the Secondary World/in-universe are inherently consumed by those of us in this Primary World we share.

My next issue with the flattening of elven history and culture centers on the Sindar, part of the Teleri group to which the Silvan also belong. As @skyeventide asked in her reaction thread (featuring my highly articulate response):

So then: where are the Sindar at this time? And the “Sindarin Princes of the Silvan Elves”? Given the fact that Durin III is alive and Eregion and Celebrimbor aren’t wasted or strung up, respectively, we can guess a timeframe of a few hundred years for the show, during which the Sindar are certainly out and about, depending on the draft/source (Celeborn in Lindon, Oropher & co. already settling with the Silvan across the mountains). And it is not as if the Sindar are forbidden by copyright to be discussed: Though Doriath is destroyed by the Second Age, it and Thingol are still discussed in the LotR appendices; there is a paragraph exclusively dedicated to how the Sindar migrated and integrated with Silvans in the woods during the time Gil-galad is High King [7]; and Nimrodel’s story and associated Sindarin and Noldorin woes are mentioned in LotR. Certainly it is not unreasonable that this is a storyline that will emerge throughout the season (or the next four, which could ostensibly cover thousands of years), but considering the placement of Silvans beneath Gil-galad at this time, I am wary. Should Thranduil emerge (as Oropher is not mentioned in LotR or the Appendices)–or Amroth or Celeborn (who all also have messy histories across various versions and drafts)–what shall happen? Will the Sindar be placed under the High King’s jurisdiction? Will the Silvans who are not already, apparently, ruled by Gil-galad be lumped in with them, under the High elves, as well?[8]

I can only hope there will be some thoughtful delineation of groups and meaningful and realistic group dynamics based on Elven history and–gasp–even informed by modern political science, social psychology, sociology, or migration studies. Even if the “why” is not immediately apparent in the show, interested viewers can easily look up the backstory and, thus, the show avoids unintentionally rewriting cultural histories (which, real history or not, is tiresome), a constant risk in stories with colonial and neocolonial settings/actors. Ultimately, my biggest concern as a person who thinks way too much about Elven ethnic hierarchy and social stratification is that instead of using the actual history of elven migration, conflict, and the long-lasting effects of the Kinslayings to explain the creation of differing elven realms, the very same effect will be attempted in another manner, i.e., by pinning a split from the Noldor as a personal flaw or choice of some yet unknown Telerin leader, or by having Silvans rebel against Gil-galad’s leadership and thereafter align themselves with certain Noldorin-type leaders (e.g., Galadriel and Celeborn) or Sindarin leaders with skeptical attitudes toward all things High Elven (e.g., Oropher Thranduil).[9] I can see these approaches making narrative sense based on some things that have already been set up in the first two episodes. However, I am still giving myself permission to be skeptical about it and to also just… not particularly like it.

Now, of course, all of this relates to that omitted Elven history, one genre of omission more glaring than all the rest: the flight of the Noldor, the Oath of Fëanor, and the three Kinslayings that followed. The inability of showrunners to incorporate, or even really reference, these events surrounding the Silmarils is disappointing. War is complicated and, to most sides, generally unjust for one reason or another, which is certainly something viewers can relate to. Furthermore, flawed characters are interesting, even if they are flawed because they participated in or failed to actively oppose actions most would now consider unthinkable. Still, the political intrigue and narrative arcs that facilitate this kind of in-universe justification of atrocity in fictional worlds has long been a compelling storyline in myth, religion, and fiction alike. Even Galadriel’s character could be complicated by acknowledging this complex history, or–given copyright limitations–at least creating some alternative scenario that evokes the same historical complexity that the entirety of the First Age embodies, pitting elf against elf against man against elf, all of which barely pales in comparison to The War of Wrath. Galadriel’s behavior in “The Noldor in Beleriand” chapter of the Silmarillion during her conversation with Melian of Doriath (about why the Noldor returned from Aman) lays the groundwork for the type of high political drama this show could evoke, regardless of copyright.[10]

Ultimately, while Tolkien is well-loved by many due to his skill–intentional or not–in creating morally ambiguous characters, perhaps the showrunners are not prepared to address such complexity on screen. As those of us in the Silmarillion fandom know, discussing the human–elf?–rights violations at Alqualondë, Doriath, and Sirion can be tetchy [11], and inviting such tension to a show in the midst of the political uproar surrounding its very existence may have been too much to expect. However, because so much of elven history and hierarchy is situated within splits and migrations directly associated with the story of the Silmarils, it does feel that we are being cheated–especially fans of the Telerin Sindar and Silvan–of the complex story the elves deserve.

This Section Was Supposed to Be: Gender in the Primary and Secondary Worlds of the Original Legendarium and the RoP Adaptation

In this section, I meant to define Primary and Secondary Worlds according to Tolkien’s definitions in “On Fairy Stories,” weave a pretty little tale, and then right-left-punch you with the historical, modern, and in-universe implications of the weird decisions the show made about women.[12] While there is a lot to be said about the racial and ethnic implications of costuming decisions, this post was going to specifically focus on gender, clothing, and gender-related roles in those first two episodes.[13] I was also going to discuss gender-related costuming and cultural-cult-religious implications in some of the other imagery here. (Rest assured, I am certain I am not the first person who did a double-take at that boat scene.) However…. I am tired, I have a project for my research supervisor due tomorrow, and I am not going to let something I love (Tolkien) give me a mental breakdown once again, so I am abandoning that original plan. Instead of a well-crafted section, allow me to ramble at you about gender and, canonically, why I think the elven women in Lindon are ridiculously designed.

Now.

Tolkien and his legendarium were never the height of gender equality and progressivism, but they were also not exactly the worst, if we ignore the fact that he didn’t particularly care for short-haired women wearing pants (Letters) and also that he thought–at least at one point–that elven woman would be pregnant (and thus secluded from larger society??) for 100 years (Nature of Middle-earth, 2021). (Yeah, that’s absolutely bonkers, I know.) However, the text most fans have relied on for years–and which is not directly contradicted in NoME–is “Laws and Customs of the Eldar,” or LaCE in fan parlance.[14] LaCE fairly explicitly describes the similarities and differences between elven men (neri in Quenya) and women (nissi in Quenya), as reported by an unknown Mannish loremaster. Tolkien (said loremaster) writes:

In all such things, not concerned with the bringing forth of children, the neri and nissi (that is, the men and women) of the Eldar are equal - unless it be in this (as they themselves say) that for the nissi the making of things new is for the most part shown in the forming of their children, so that invention and change is otherwise mostly brought about by the neri. There are, however, no matters which among the Eldar only a ner can think or do, or others with which only a nis is concerned. There are indeed some differences between the natural inclinations of neri and nissi, and other differences that have been established by custom (varying in place and in time, and in the several races of the Eldar). For instance, the arts of healing, and all that touches on the care of the body, are among all the Eldar most practised by the nissi; whereas it was the elven-men who bore arms at need. And the Eldar deemed that the dealing of death, even when lawful or under necessity, diminished the power of healing, and that the virtue of the nissi in this matter was due rather to their abstaining from hunting or war than to any special power that went with their womanhood. Indeed in dire straits or desperate defence, the nissi fought valiantly, and there was less difference in strength and speed between elven-men and elven-women that had not borne child than is seen among mortals. On the other hand many elven-men were great healers and skilled in the lore of living bodies, though such men abstained from hunting, and went not to war until the last need.

As for other matters, we may speak of the customs of the Noldor (of whom most is known in Middle-earth). Among the Noldor it may be seen that the making of bread is done mostly by women; and the making of the lembas is by ancient law reserved to them. Yet the cooking and preparing of other food is generally a task and pleasure of men. The nissi are more often skilled in the tending of fields and gardens, in playing upon instruments of music, and in the spinning, weaving, fashioning, and adornment of all threads and cloths; and in matters of lore they love most the histories of the Eldar and of the houses of the Noldor; and all matters of kinship and descent are held by them in memory. But the neri are more skilled as smiths and wrights, as carvers of wood and stone, and as jewellers. It is they for the most part who compose musics and make the instruments, or devise new ones; they are the chief poets and students of languages and inventors of words. Many of them delight in forestry and in the lore of the wild, seeking the friendship of all things that grow or live there in freedom. But all these things, and other matters of labour and play, or of deeper knowledge concerning being and the life of the World, may at different times be pursued by any among the Noldor, be they neri or nissi.

(Morgoth’s Ring, HoME 10).

So then, why does elven gender in RoP weird me out a little bit, Galadriel–and her complicated characterization–notwithstanding? (And, yes, it was necessary to include the full quote to only point out how much more ridiculous what follows is.)

This:

Why are all the attendants female? And why are they all dressed like this in the background? Where are the rest of the women? Are they locked away, pregnant? Did we take NoME that seriously?

Bizarre.

Conclusion

In the big scheme of things, I suppose I was mostly pleasantly surprised. It was entertaining to watch for the scenery, settings, and music; and I was moved to tears by some of the beautiful cinematography–I’ll continue to be giddy about the scenery and design whether I want to be or not. I also think it is very important that BIPOC were included in casting. However, I am not going to hold out on feeling the story of the Second Age was done justice. I will–forever and always–always be hung up on Silvan representation.[15] But, unless something truly egregious happens, for now I am okay with a mediocre and mildly frustrating storyline.

FOOTNOTES

I have still not recovered, so this will be a long 1.5 months.

Not to mention the boats she will one day have in her own realm, in Lothlorien.

As Sky Eventide notes in her reaction thread on Twitter, the scene even includes one red-headed child, which may be harkening to Maedhros, though Amrod or Amras might be more realistic given I would expect Maedhros to be the ringleader of the band, were the red-headed child meant to be him.

See Itariilles’ piece and my own linked paper for more on this. It is confusing to think about in the show context because while Galadriel thinks the kinslaying are unfortunate and does not take an oath like Feanor and colleagues, she doesn’t think her Feanorian cousins are crazy for wanting to return to Middle-earth, though her motivations to return are different (yay colonialism). Again, see links.

Though an Irish Times article provides an interesting critique that, as an American many generations removed from Ireland, I would never have noticed. As someone who often complains about fandom’s jokes about wood-elf and Silvan culture/language as a stand-in for less cultured “hick” accents and cultures, the linked article really moved me and put these European-based English choices into perspective for me. And it also spoke to the odd feeling I got as I noticed that while watching, once again, an adaptation used different accents that are cultural- and class-marked in the ‘real world’ to sort of delineate place in Middle-earth.

And yes, some of this quoted language comes from material the show has explicit access to.

Keep in mind, this is only ONE version of Sindarin migration. Tolkien wrote more on this across his lifetime that is not reflected in the Appendices as published. See my linked paper for more on this.

Dare I even ask if the show plans to somehow reference a group of elves like the Avari, given the showrunners’ interest in the Southlands thus far? I don’t know if my poor heart could handle the stress…

Which conveniently echoes Oropher’s choice during part of the Last Alliance that left his people wildly diminished…

A political intrigue which we have seen snippets of, perhaps, with Elrond’s character–it’s just not a tension and positioning I can, yet, easily follow. I don’t ‘get’ this world well enough yet to do so.

I, too, have been guilty of this, as someone who spends way too much time thinking about the Sindar. While I am still very much opposed to atrocity crimes in our real world–obviously, it’s literally my job–I have come to see the issues of the Silmarils as more complex than I once did, taking into account cultural and political motivations for character behavior. (Though that has not stopped me from writing Sindarin accounts of the Kinslaying at Sirion to balance things out, “victors write history” and all that.) I have some patient acquaintances to thank for helping me develop a more complex view on Feanorian behavior in the First Age.

Do not judge me. I know nothing about boxing terms and I made that up.

Again, please read Itariiles’ piece (specifically the section “Neoclassical Aesthetic Given to the Noldor and its Unfortunate Implications”).

And, if you want to get really particular, one of the two drafts of LaCE is titled: “OF THE LAWS AND CUSTOMS AMONG THE ELDAR PERTAINING TO MARRIAGE AND OTHER MATTERS RELATED THERETO: TOGETHER WITH THE STATUTE OF FINWE AND MIRIEL AND THE DEBATE OF THE VALAR AT ITS MAKING”...

And yes. I have lived through PJ’s TH. I will survive it again.

Acknowledgements: Thanks to my acquaintances from the Silmarillion Writers’ Guild/Dreamwidth for encouraging me to finish writing this after I became discouraged. And thanks to my new acquaintances at Alliance of Arda for being interested in what I have to say. I would have just stewed in my anxiety without outside prompting to write this silly little thing that I actually really wanted to write.

#rings of power #long post #tolkien #lord of the rings #silmarillion #commentary and analysis

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