sodamnsoft-blog

[lairmadness]

How about that Ogerpon

Please read the tags!

[emypony]

.

[gogomatthew]

Request: (Smut)

Hotch gives Spencer the lead on a new case. And when Y/N doesn’t do what Spencer said to do- well let’s say when they get home she gets punished.

Just you wait

SPENCER REID X FEM!READER

summary: being from a different department and working with your fiancé was always great except but things change when you don’t seem to obey his orders

warnings: choking • punishment • spanking • sub!dom dynamics • cursing • arguing • bj • PV •

a/n: english isn’t my first language so I apologize for any gramatical errors! I don’t really see Spencer as a dom tbh so this was a little difficult for me to write sorry if its not exactly what you wanted honestly it was rushed :/

MINORS/AGELESS BLOGS DNI!! 18+ SMUT AHEAD

“I dont feel great about this just so you know” Emily says as you both enter the DCPD. “You think I do? but we can’t prioritize feelings over case right now” Emily sighs as you squeeze the orange envelope filled with new pictures of the crime scene between your fingers subconsciously releasing your stress onto it with a deep breath.

You see a lanky figure make his way towards both of you with a glare of disbelief plastered on his face. “You went behind my back?” though his tone is angry theres hurt laced between his words. “Im sorry but we found new evidence that-” he cuts you off “I dont care right now! Im leading this case and I told everyone to stay away from the scene until further notice. You cant just ignore my authority!” his eyes switch back and forth between you and Emily

“I work for a different department” Emily just sighs and throws her hands up in surrender as she walk away past Spencer after realizing the conflict just got a little personal. Spencer runs his hands down his face in defeated frustration causing his words to come out slightly muffled “Am I joke to you? seriously am I? I know you work for a different department but you never seem to have a problem obeying Hotch..” his hands fall back to his sides as he grabs the envelope from you and storms off leaving you there with your thoughts.

For some cases your department sent you out as the traveling detective to help out the BAU and you never had a problem working along side your fiancé I mean this job is what brought you both together but having him as your acting boss was slightly different. Its not that you didn’t respect his authority you just didn’t understand his judgment at this moment. He knew how your job functioned and always did his best to help you with whatever you needed but right now he was stopping you from doing your job and you were worried about him but there were victims at risk.

Hypothetically he would’ve been fine if..

If Hotch wasn’t hovering

If the geographical range wasnt so large

If the building wasnt so loud

If the PD didn’t see him as joke

if it wasn’t dangerous for his agents to leave the building alone

ect,, there were too many thoughts taking over and none of them were good.

Thankfully the evidence you and Emily found was crucial to the investigation and even though he was still under immense stress you felt as if at least you took a little weight off Spencers shoulders although that didint mean he was pleased with your actions. He avoided you throughout the day even after the unsub was caught not even breaking the silence on the car ride home. Before you can even finish parking Spencer is stepping out of the car and entering your shared apartment before you.

You make your way inside not too long after him with tears of pent up frustration brimming your eyes and threatening to fall only for those thoughts to be forgotten as your head gently hits the wall. Spencer has you pinned by his large hand lightly squeezing your neck the way he knows you love as his other hand holds both of your wrists between his fingers. “what was that today? first you ignore my authority..” a squeeze to your neck as his raspy voice lingers closer to your slightly open mouth “and then you humiliate me?” another squeeze and the tears fall alongside a whimper “why’re you crying baby? you know I just wanna keep you safe and thats why I couldn’t let you go to the scene” his tone is genuine care mixed with condensation as he looks you up and down hungrily “but you just had to ignore me and im gonna have to make you learn your lesson” his grip on your throat loosens as his hand gently strokes your face wiping away your tears “m- sorry” you choke out as he ghosts his lips over yours, his hot breath makes your thighs clench.

“I know you are but its too late now” his grip on you loosens and he pushes you down harshly to your knees as he undoes his belt without a word. As he frees his cock from his boxers he gives it 2 slow strokes “open” he simply says and you obey, taking him into your mouth eagerly. What you cant fit into your mouth you pump with you hand causing his breath to hitch at the stimulation. Spencer strokes his finger through your hair before fisting it and thrusting his hips into your mouth. He’s vocal and hes not shy about it, his moans come out strained and loud as you feel his dick twitch on your tongue getting ready to have your throat welcome in his load despite your gagging until he pushes you away “d-dont wanna cum yet.. gonna make you beg for it first” he says out of breath as he lifts you off the ground and into the bedroom.

“take it off.. I want a show” with a gulp you start unbuttoning your blouse slowly trying not to seem to desperate and take your pants off as he eyes you lustfuly. You are completely nude to him as his shirt and boxers remain “come here” you walk over to him cautiously and he sits you down on his thigh resting his hands on your hips slowly rocking you back and forth causing a moan to drop from your parted lips. “mm” you start rocking yourself faster as he removes his touch from you depriving you “please” he fake pouts “please what? I need to hear it” a desperate cry leaves your mouth knowing you wont be able to cum just from his thigh “I need you” he chuckles “need what? my fingers?” his hand cups your dripping cunt teasing your entrance with his fingers “n-no your-” a whimper leaves your throat “your cock”

one last look at you and he’s flipping you over so hes caging your body under his own. He grabs his dick in his hand and pushes it into your entrance without warning or giving you time to adjust. His hand finds its way back to your throat making your sounds of pain and pleasure sound strained. His thrusts dont have a rhythm theyre just ruthless and fast. “hah- ah you crying? im just correcting your behavior” his cock brushes your g spot so good it makes you forget how to talk “you know that right baby?” now this is condescending but you cant find it in you to care right now, the pleasure taking over “say it.. say you deserve this” his hold on your throat releasing so he can hold onto the bed frame to go deeper against your sensitive spot “ahh say it” with a yelp you manage to push the words out “I-I deserve t-this” his thrust dont let up it just fuels him on even more “wasnt gonna let you c-cum tonight but I think id rather fuck you stupid ah- what’d you think about that?” he knows you’re already seconds away from your orgasm as your eyes start rolling to the back of your head and you cant provide any actual words. His free hand makes its way down to your clit desperate to make you his own little fuck toy. Your legs start shaking erratically and without a warning you cum all over spencers aching cock with him hot on your heels. You pant but before you have time to catch your breath you’re roughly flipped over onto your stomach as a rough slap lands on your ass

“im not done with you yet”

[truly-a-snitch]

Hi! Hi! I just discovered your blog and I have a request. So can I request Ranpo, Sigma and Dazai with a s/o who is like really calm and reserved in public but when they're alone together you can't separate them. Like a clingy, touchy, overprotective s/o who is reserved in public or at work. BUT if anyone hurts their partner they will go to war!! THEN afterwards come home and cuddle with them.

🍬 - Idk if you do the emoji things but I'm signing off with this one.

(You can just ignore this if you want, NO PRESSURE)

this is actually so cute. me and who

this sorta turned into just ways they show affection sorry i got carried away. jn my defense i love these three

warnings: none !! this is fluff but only sort of partially answers the prompt oopsies

---

Ranpo, Sigma, and Dazai with a reserved but affectionate S/O

Ranpo

ranpo is very affectionate no matter where you go so you two could not be more different in that regard

like. at home ? hes never not in your lap. shopping ? your arms Will be linked together (so he doesnt lose you, in his own words). at work ? he sidles up next to you and slings his legs over yours while he begrudgingly does his paperwork

he doesnt mind that youre more reserved when it comes to pda !! he knows how to tone it down when he gets to be too much

he just has a lot of love to give ok :-(

ranpo is 100% the type to just like. after a long day he will very dramatically splay himself across your lap and be like "ughhh im dying of boredom..... blehhhhh........."

his favorite activity is laying on top of you and demanding that you entertain him (any means possible) (especially reading to him)

he BITES !! leaves hickies on accident sometimes (he says hes sorry but like. is he really) and he encourages you to bite him right back fr. hes so silly i love him

admittedly he is a little upset he cant be as affectionate w you in public but he loves u enough that its ok and he makes up for it by not letting go of you from the moment you get home to the moment you go to bed

has fallen asleep in your lap before. also has fallen asleep on top of you on the couch before. haha good luck getting up you cant youd disturb him

congrats on the cat boyfriend btw

Sigma

silly... as somebody who runs a casino (yes he still runs the casino in my head. canon can get bent) he is very very busy, so he understands that there simply may not be time or energy to dedicate to him during working hours

affection shared between him is often that tired sort if only because after a full day the last thing he wants is something high energy

seeing as he spent a lot of time around fyodor, public physical contact of any kind is probably still a taboo hes deconstructing, so hes very much grateful that you arent really big on pda yourself (if only because he doesnt feel ready for all that at this point in time)

he likes to just lay against you, or hold your hand while he does his paperwork :3

big on forehead kisses. he loves them okay. the inherent tenderness of it makes him forget how to speak for a little bit he gets So flustered its actually the cutest thing ever

sigmas also a big big fan of massages (he runs on energy drinks, stress, and pure unfettered anxiety okay. i bet his muscles are Stiff)

and if you give him coffee...? doesnt matter if u made it or not. you are Getting Kissed

sleeping next to each other,, sleepy kissing,,, naps together,,,, top tier

sigma likes to just sit on the couch and watch tv with you. lay on him right now do it. diy weighted blanket

he treats you with fancy schmancy meals from the casino kitchens. you guys get to have date night where its just you watching tv and eating good food and drinking wine (hes a white wine guy you cant tell me otherwise)

Dazai

dazai isnt super affectionate in public, hes sorta similar to you in that regard, but he still has to be touching you almost all the time

HES SO ANNOYING ABOUT IT TOO his love language is annoying you so he will find the most inconvenient ways to Just Barely Touch You so that you have to talk to him and tell him to stop

getting home tho you get to literally watch the mask melt away. you sit down on the couch and he immediately just relaxes into you, he is ALL over u

(pspsps play with his hair. and like gently run ur nails over his scalp a lil bit. he gets so so sleepy when you do that)

dazai is so NEEDY w affection but he knows how to act like he doesnt want/need it in front of other ppl

if ur in private and ur not actively giving him attention. he will stare at u for a bit before practically tackling you. bro sprawls

hes not like AGAINST pda btw i forgot to touch on that its just that he prefers to be more private with his genuine romantic endeavors :3 like hell annoy you on purpose in public but behind closed doors hes a softie fr

dazai also bites as a love language like ranpo does but dazai is always careful not to accidentally bite too hard (ranpo may not give a fuck but dazai certainly does)

he rly likes laying on top of you. fair tbh laying on ur s/o is better than therapy

anyway overall hes very much like. purposely annoying or embarrassing in public but hes much more romantic behind closed doors

[love-byers]

What do you think about people saying that us Bylers are not supporting Robin as a character and they only see her as a gay mentor for Mike & Will? That we only see Rovickie as gay mentors for them. Some people are saying that because we pay alot of attention to Byler that it overshadowed Robin of her coming out as lesbian, personally i disagree with this, obviously everybody has their own opinions but I we can also voice our own. With Robin, I obviously see her as her own character yk? I don't see her as just a gay mentor for the kids, Robin is her own person, Rovickie is their own ship, I know it may look like I probably just see her as just a gay mentor but it's really not like that, she is an absolutely amazing character, she is for sure as hell a good example for people who are in the closet? I feel the same with Rovickie. Rovickie is their own ship, but I really don't see anything wrong with wanting them to guide Mike & Will, it's a necessity imo because their soo young and they don't know how to deal with all of this (especially in the 80s) they need help and guidance. But yeah I went on a whole rant haha, BTW I'm sorry if I don't explain well lol

i actually just saw the thing you're talking about and screenshotted it to post here!! i honestly think its so dumb. and i dont just say that because im a byler fan and feel attacked

if you're a byler fan and run a byler account, no shit you're going to mostly post about byler. if you don't run a robin blog/account you probably don't mention her as much as whatever your account is dedicated to. i do talk about other ST topics and general theories but its mostly byler. because thats just what i like to talk about. so yes a lot of the time when i mention other characters its in relation to byler, not always though. that doesn't mean i dont like the characters or only view them as support beams for byler.

as a lesbian i love robin and think she's wonderful representation. i heard it was maya hawke's idea which i think means robin was originally going to be straight and just didn't see steve that way so it was going to be about him accepting the fact that a girl doesn't like him just because. but i'm so happy maya suggested that because its eons better than the original. robin is a great character and i think her coming out scene is so perfect and well written. her fear is so relatable, that feeling when you realize your guy friend likes you but you really do love him and don't want to lose him? its scary. and maya portrayed that beautifully. seeing her be accepted by steve was so emotional and also really important.

but i don't say all of that every day because i'm not a robin blog. i've posted about her/rovickie a few times without relation to byler, but yes i frequently mention parallels and mike and will interacting with robin and vickie in s5. because i am absolutely PUMPED FOR THAT. will is my favorite character and i think it would be really touching to see him interact with another queer person and feel like he can finally open up and feel safe while doing it. i don't know why some people think we're evil for wanting that. like its such a real thing for queer youth, making your first gay friend, perhaps someone a bit older and more realized/confident, and being SO happy that you can speak freely and be yourself. i want that for will who at this point in the story feels like a mistake, and of course mike makes him feel better about that as he said, but he cant speak freely around him. he could do that with robin. he probably feels like the only gay person in hawkins, so imagine how happy he would be to find out there's MORE!! THEY EXIST!! YOU'RE NOT ALONE!!!!

if you don't want to see queer characters connect especially in the 80s i honestly don't know what to say. you've got some serious pettiness problems if you don't want that

and i also hate the trend of diehard ST fans acting like the characters are real people. they're made up. you can't hurt their feelings. getting offended on behalf of a character is some real chronically online behavior.

there is no quota on how many times you have to post about a certain character. its your account and they're not real people so you can do WHATEVER YOU WANT. for every post you make relating robin to will or rovickie to byler, you don't have to make another post talking about how great robin is to make up for it. that's stupid. i seriously dont know what they expect when they go on a BYLER ACCOUNT.

i used to get attacked on twt for only mentioning el in relation to byler, which first of all wasn't true, but even if it was WHO CARES??? i was a byler account literally WHAT DID THEY EXPECT??? it hurts no one. people just hate byler fans (which honestly i lowkey understand cause some of us are terribly annoying) and look for any reason to sound justified when they express that hate.

you dont have to equally divide your love and attention to all the characters. you don't. at all.

[deusvervewrites]

Sorry for this nonsequitor but i cant find the actual post to reblog the conversation , so ask it is

There was a post (which im FAIRLY sure was on your blog , atleast as a reblog) talking about 'mha suffering from shonen Adults are Useless syndrome hardcore' and bringing up that between Aizawa stopping attacks and Thirteen sucking up stray attacks, if they stayed at the top of the plaza during the usj not only would the enemies be at a tiring checkpoint needing to climb the stairs but theyd have a better vantage point (there was alot more to it to the point i Agreed but again i cant find it)

Yet Aizawa left the defendable Highground

It occurred to me that going for an evac strategy instead of defending / camping the top could be because of Kurogiri. What exactly would stop him from opening a portal at the top behind or from the side in a blind spot? Yes Erasure should BUT 1. They dont know how long it takes to make a portal or go through, him blinking very well could be enough time and 2 theres still the 'cut the portal halfway strat' they tried on All Might and Aizawa thought of it as a possibility too. Too many unknowns

There is also the whole 'blocked off from UA comunication' thing the post didnt address

I'm not sure if you're thinking of one of my posts but I definitely have posts that are about or mention those topics.

The problem here is that they should still evacuate. They have 20 untrained children against 75 Villains, and no way of gauging how dangerous any of them are. The sensors are not going off so there is no way of getting reinforcements, and no way of knowing whether the main campus is secure or also under attack.

Furthermore, they do know that Kurogiri's portals aren't instant because they watched it open to let the Villains in. Regardless, Aizawa blinks anyway when he runs in to subdue the Villains letting Kurogiri overpower Thirteen and scatter the students. While this is partially because Bakugou and Kirishima jumped in front of Thirteen's attack, you know what would've been much more likely to stop a Villain than Thirteen alone? Thirteen and Eraserhead, together. But because he ran off ahead he couldn't reapply Erasure to Kurogiri in time.

And since Thirteen can destroy pretty much anything, they could've destroyed the stairs, cutting off the enemy approach so they wouldn't even have to worry about being cornered while dealing with Kurogiri.

That's not to say that the USJ was Eraserhead's fault--he didn't make the League attack. And Thirteen, as a fully licensed Pro Hero, should have known better than to fall for the oldest trick in the book. Also, the Noumu was there, and that alone would've caused a lot of problems, regardless of strategy. But sending in a long-range support fighter to take on an entire horde while leaving the destructive close-range specialist alone to evacuate the students was suboptimal.

[soracities]

Me and my gf of 4 years broke up recently and the last few months, as things got worse, I was writing really well. You know that Siken tweet about the vocabulary of loss being the dictionary? But now that we've finally broken up I cant write anything.

I've always used writing to process things - I need to write stuff, to sound it out, to see if thats how I feel. I don't know what's going on. I assume I'm just not feeling my feelings but I don't know how to do it.

I'm sure I'll be fine, this is not an SOS, but do you have any tips? It feels like Im stuck and its frustrating.

Love ur blog and your kind words, stay safe, have fun, X

I'm really, really sorry about your breakup anon, and I'm sorry too that you're going through such a frustrating an difficult time in the wake of it all. Someone asked about writer's block a while back which I answered here, though I don't know how much of it will help in this particular situation.

I think it's interesting that you make a distinction between processing your feelings and actually feeling them--why are they different? do you think you're removed from your feelings when you're writing to process them? And if so, is writing in order to process something actually putting you in touch with the real, raw emotion or simply breaking it down without fully acknowledging and being present with those feelings?

I ask because I'm also someone who needs to write and sound my feelings out sometimes, but I've found I'm also someone who runs a deep risk of intellectualising my feelings when I do write about them--writing, even when processing, happens at a distance for me and in some ways I've found it's more an escape than a confrontation; my feelings, when I write about them (and I rarely do it because of this, and other reasons), turn into a narrative that circumvents the simple acknowledgement of "x happened. I feel y," and moving on. I'm not saying that this is you, but as someone who often has difficulty feeling my feelings, even through personal writing, it may be worth asking if your writing, much as it helps you process, might also be a way of avoiding a necessary confrontation with your emotions and just sitting with them, before writing about them. As I said, feeling my feelings is something I struggle with, but a dear friend shared this chart which has done wonders for me, so maybe it can help you, too (I hope)

I think it's also important to acknowledge that 4 years is a long, long time to be with someone and then no longer be with them. And if things, as you said, were particularly bad in the past few months before it happened, it could simply be that you, your mind, needs a period of stillness and recovery to full come to terms with what has happened. You have to let the reality of it all settle in, and maybe you cannot write as you used to right now because that settling hasn't fully happened yet; some things don't need to be analysed in the moment--they simply need an acknowledgement and that alone is enough to give some breathing space. I don't know if any of this will help you, anon, but I sincerely hope you can take something from it. I hope in time you are able to come back to yourself in the healthiest way for you 💗

[themoodyestj]

Ah, one last thing (and sorry, last ask was very long! Will leave you alone after this): even just from having friends that like Supernatural, I am aware there are very clear shipping conspiracists in this fandom and that includes people who are sending you rude messages (your responses to which were most of the posts of yours I saw!) I am not saying that you are necessarily a conspiracy theorist or that you would be the only one engaging in this behavior, and I think respect should be used across the board (especially because it's just fandom! How you treat real other people who you actually speak to matters a lot more than fictional characters or celebrities!) This isn't an accusation of unique behavior where you're the only one or the people sending you nasty things are excused from it. If I had seen the same posts but from the opposite end, with people who are super into Misha saying similar things about the other actors or their partners, I would have said something there too.

I just don't run across a lot of these blogs from either side, because I'm really not active in the fandom, though I have friends that are. And I don't think that celebrities should be inherently excused when they behave badly, and you aren't obligated to love any of them or praise them. My ask was solely about the potential blurring of lines with what fandom can know versus assume, and the caution of using language that's rooted in bigotry or cruelty when trying to make legitimate criticisms. It's broadly applicable and I'm not singling you out as if you're the only person -- your posts just happened to be the ones I came across, and I was just scrolling past for most of them and wasn't going to say anything, but the one about her (the redhead is Danneel? I think? Going to be honest until I saw that post I did not know Jared's wife's name and when I saw the photos at first I wasn't sure which one you were insulting until I read more.) dress and the Borat swimsuit and comparing the wives etc just felt like there was a lot of really blatant sexism that does pull from your actual points, whatever they may be, and that I assume wasn't intentional.

It's an easy trap to fall into because there's casual bigotry all over the world, but I still care about being aware of it -- even with people I hate, there's better things to bring up. I'm generally wary of calling people ugly when there's much worse things they're doing, even when it's just some white dude, just because looks aren't the issue there and all it does is accidentally insult people who may be similar. Anyway, I'm done, I know this was long-winded and probably won't matter to you, and I do hope you have a good week or whatever. I just felt bad not clarifying that, like, I'm aware (from my admittedly brief scroll lmao, I'm sorry, this is a wild thing to send you from seeing maybe 6 posts) you get rude asks from people engaging in similar or worse behavior, and that behavior isn't fine from them. But I think we can all do better than that? Okay bye!

Well, your ask came a few minutes too late.

You have to understand that most what i do here is actually humour based. And opinion based. If you read my recent posts, youd see Im mostly an anti-bullies. And i do rile them up. I cant, for the life of me, understand why someone would feel entitled to go to another inbox and ask them to kill themselves. So i bite back. I leave very few anon asks unanswered, because I want to show the world their behaviour. How fanaticism works. How it changes people. I dont expect you to understand the purpose of my blog. Neither do I need you too. But yes, it would be best if you read all before taking conclusions.

And yes, write all, because i can only answer what i see at the time.

[kabukibun]

i cant believe im typing this i-

since its the tcg patch, heres this: scara teaching kabuki how to play tcg. Kabuki was honored bc usually scara only plays with wanderer (that brought the game to the house from the scholars in the academia) and anytime kabuki asked to join, scara would tell him to go away, that he doesnt know how to play and he will ruin the fun (even tho wanderer tells scara to zip it)

so when they start to play, scara will say the next few rounds will be for learning! He knows kabuki lacks alot of knowledge about humans, game logic included, so even after kabuki will catch the tcg rules, kinda, he could manipulate him.

Kabuki truly enjoys playing with his brother, even if he keeps losing, and he loves staring at the cards! Theyre so shiny and pretty! (Also wanderer made a custom mommy card in an extra art class he had, and since scara told kabuki he can have it, he should have KNOWN something is up. Red flag.)

Kabuki starts to learn, and scara explains the rules in a patient way that doesnt suit him at all. When kabuki wins, he let the pride get to his head (he made some wrong moves on purpose) and lets him relax. Then, he drops the next line:

"y'know, humans bet stuff when they play this game."

liar.

Kabuki doesnt understand gambling too well, but he believe his brother. He is quite concerned, and he tells scara he doesnt have any money. (Broke💀) scara tells him its fine, and betting isnt all about money. "For example," he says, "if i win, you stop running naked around the house, (He had enough, just like mommy) For, eh, week.." (he soften the deal)

"And if i win?"

"...you could share the milk time with me, and not have to wait for you and wanderers turn. For a week." (usually scara drinks alone)

Kabuki is excited. He plays, and he loses, and that puts a stop to mommys headaches... from him at least💀

He is ready to stop, he clearly lost, but scara keeps suggesting stuff he knows kabuki is interested in, and stuff kabuki can lose to him, before he says: "now.... if you lose, you give me 20% of your milk time with mommy." Kabuki is stunned! He tells scara thats not a good thing to bet on, because last time they somehow messed with their milk time, they got punished. But scara convince him with these words:

"If i lose, i give you mine."

Kabuki loses. And he loses again. And scara keeps making the milk time% higher and higher. And when his common sense finally sets and he wants to quit, he lost so much of his milk time and he wants to cry to mommy about it, (not snitch! Poor cutie kabuki just wants to cuddle with mommy and tell her he lost "fair and square" to scara.)

Then scara tells him - one more round. This time, he wont take his milk time, he just wants to keep kabuki from telling mommy. And if kabuki wins - he gets all his milk time back.

Of course, kabuki lost. And thats a good time to mention scara didnt explain ALL the rules to him.

Scara smirks, praising himself for this genius plan, while kabuki is sad and about to cry! Little did they both know, that when big bro wanderer came back home and saw scara and kabuki playing, he decided to spy on them and when the game was finished, he went to tell mommy.

Mommy is FURIOUS.

she already told them not to mess with the milk time, but the little stunt scara pulled truly crossed the line. While she is about to give scara the biggest punishment she can think of, AND taking his milk time, kabuki bursts into tears in the corner, begs for mercy from mommy, he truly believes hes as guilty as scara for gamblimg and falling for scaras tricks. Wanderer just rolls his eyes. Scara is now actually really really scared. Just an avarage day for them.

(Im so sorry its so long- i also never sent something to your blog before but i saw it for quite a while. Im sorry if theres any grammar errors english isnt my first language! And i hope you are okay with this stuff?)

such a cute scenario!!! 🫶

i can’t help but imagine scara having such a hard time holding back a smirk as he’s playing with kabuki.. his poker face gradually fading until he’s practically grinning at kabuki’s misery.

big bro wanderer being such a good spy for mommy, letting her know when her boys are up to no good! scara curses him for being a snitch while kabuki looks up to him for looking after them <3

wahhh kabukimono definitely would share at least half of the guilt with scara if he could. tcg match aside, if scara were to get in trouble, kabukimono would run up to mommy when she’s scolding him and tell her it’s his fault too! he should’ve told scara not to do it, or tried harder to stop him! kabuki’s puppy face has softened many punishments for scara…

(don’t worry it’s okay! i appreciate any length of asks sent to me :) thank you for seeing my blog for so long! no worries about your grammar, english isn’t my first language either!)

[middleschoolfursona]

literal tears are running down my face as i scroll thru your blog. on it it it feels like im back home.

i just wanna go back man. i just wanna be a kid running around on feralheart and drawing my ocs again and watching silly movies with my friends. it feels like im living a lie every single day of my life since then.

it hurts and fills me with so much shame to say that i feel like a kid, like i stopped mentally aging in like 2012, 2014 at the latest. the dysphoria is strangling. i dont want to describe it but yeah it sucks so bad.

i cant tell anyone in my life this in detail. cus i can feel the callouts. the sneers. the performative disgust. the gleeful hatred. everyone turning on me and making me into a joke. but this experience is so viscerally terrible and real and i cant just get over it and i cant choose to get better. i hate it.

youre the first person ive ever seen who seemed like theyd actually understand and its just overwhelming bcus it felt like i was completely alone. so i just wanted to say thanks for the catharsis of showing me im not beyond understanding. but im sorry if this is all selfish or upsetting. the last thing i wanna do is hurt or upset anyone, so feel free to ignore and delete.

thank you for ur blog and i hope you have a great day/week/month/year/life/forever <3

anon, im so so sorry i didnt answer this one sooner. i kept thinking, "when i get on desktop" but i never ended up back on desktop until i got this new monitor (win!)

i totally feel you, im glad i can bring you (though maybe bittersweet) comfort.

dysphoria and even feelings of 'transness' in places of identity other than gender and sex absolutely exist and are valid, and its really too bad its so stigmatized. you have my <3 and you have my thoughts. its tough, and theres more of us than youd think, hopefully, its an amount that comforts you... and i hope, you can find people who relate to you and you can share trust with and happy memories.

"performative disgust' is a topic i bring up a lot in this kinda discoursing. if i may, its pretty western too.. the need to be combative causes a strange sort of lash-out-culture, where people arent even neccisarily uninformed, its a lack of desire to be informed at all, and instead perform hatred for the acknowledgement of their peers. id know. it was me once. terrible and toxic situation, but its eaten the internet in many spaces....

its tough feeling trapped, unable to move forwards and feeling like youre "wrong". being disabled and growing up disabled makes those kinds of remarks and implications said by some people extra painful to me. and i know lots of us who feel dysphoria surrounding our facets of the self, both gender or non-gender, are neurodivergant as well, and as someone who was in special education, and then my school dropped me by force because i just "wouldnt" do my math, i know how painful it can feel both inside, but then to come forward and have people act like "just move forward" "just understand" "well you can never go back so just be here instead"... its painful.

i hope that between the time you sent this and now, youvbe found someone to be open to... if not, you can send me your discord off anon (wont pub) and we can chat there if you need it... youre certainly not alone anon, just the haters want you to feel that way. dont give in. do your best!

[yuukei-yikes]

OKAY YOU'VE UNLEASHED THE BEAST. so like we all know the post str harutaka dynamic is all lovey dovey etc because FINALLY! WE ARE TOGETHER!!!!!!! sort of thing well kanoshin is literally the opposite. in my fucked up head post str kanoshin dynamic at the time this would occur is shintaro after breaking up w/ ayano and ALSO takane is trying to distance themself from him so he's basically like a sopping wet cat in cardboard box on kano's doorstep that kano has also been pining for secretly and unwillingly for like 2 years. so to me kanoshin is basically shintaro: heem heem whimper (super vulnerable doesnt even care if it's gay at this point or if he has feelings for kano he just needs to be held he can think abt all of that later) kano: okayyyy whatever ^w^ (what the hell is going on what i am doing why is shintaro in my arms where am i) and that repeats 100 times in post shinaya breakup divorce. mix in shintaro's horrible capacity for affection since he doesnt think he wants to be hated but also wants to be loved but he should be hated blah blah blahand with kano it's like he validates both of that, that makes zero sense when i type it out but trust me it makes sense in my head. so ignoring canon i think takane and kano r definitely besties bc they r basically the Same Guy????? which like u said it's even acknowledged IN kano's novel where he's like "yep she's twisted JUST like me" also fun fact the same ost that plays over the kano and seto scene where he opens up abt everything in mca ALSO plays over the scene where takane and ayano discuss takane's feelings abt haruka im SOOOOO normal abt that fact. in my mind they r talking or smthn and shintaro gets brought up and kano somehow lets it slip with a "soooo did shintaro ever also kiss you or something haha :3c" and takane's like "what" and that's how takane found out. and i think takane would have REALLY mixed feelings abt that especially bc like "uhhh how would ayano feel?" but when he goes to talk to shintaro abt it a bit more (codependency in the mix bc in her mind it's like well surely shintaro will tell me soon anyway bc he tells me everything bc he needs to tell me. normal things to think) he looks at them like he just shit himself. i kind of forget where i was going with this. but if they EVER did go on a double date it would be so awkward bc harutaka r Normal and kanoshin is Very Much Not Normal. but because takane and haruka are the only ones who know abt kano and shintaro's weird not relationship and shintaro and kano cant stand being alone together for a long amount of time bc it forces them to confront their feelings but also want to be together it's the perfect solution. this kind of goes hand in hand with shintaro's heavy reliance on takane, it's like codependency......2!!!!!! but kano is Also there. SORRY THIS SOUNDS INSANE AND IS SOOOOO LONG IM SORRY im normal

OK im putting answer under the cut only cuz the ask is already long and its so scrolling it on my blog isnt a nightmare for myself 💗 it largely turned into me talking abt takane like always sooo teehee

NO UR NOT INSANE U ARE SO NORMAL!!!!!!! this is EXACTLY IT. shintaro&kano insanity in between shinaya breakup/takane distancing itself from shintaro ahaihvsuxhemxksjxlwkdowkdw (EXPLOSION)

also the ost thing!!! i had to go check and i got so excited stupid like YESS YESSSSS ILOVE THAT KINDA SHIT not to sidetrack on takane/harutaka but that would've been so so so good if the anime hadn't fucked up and made takane all happy when running before dying. like takane was so terrified of being in love with haruka she wasn't like omg teeheee im gonna confess my feelings💗 she was like (RUNNING) THIS SUCKS SO BADDDDDDD AUGGHHHHHH like she DID have an epiphany. but it wasn't like... HAPPY. takane was so terrified!!!! sorry. IM NOT GONNA SIDETRACK TO HARUTAKA IM NOT but str takane finally managing to confess to haruka i think its rly funny if then haruka's of course like I LOVE U TOO are we dating then :3 and takane's like WHAT!!! WHAT THE FUCK!!! WHAT!!! and haruka's like WELL U LIKE ME? AND I LIKE U? SO WE SHOULD DATE??? and takane's like I NEVER THOUGHT OF IT THAT FAR AHEAD I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU GIVE ME A SECOND TO PROCESS like this bitch never once stops to worry if haruka likes her back or not, if it'd be awkward if he didnt and how it'd be like to date if he did, NOTHING. granted that she dies immediately after realising so maybe she just didnt get to that point LMAO but i love this about takane's character like she just doesnt fucking think about it they just WANT TO TELL HIM!!! and then up to str she never imagines seeing haruka again and now he's here and she's too happy and relieved to even go back to this realisation and give time to worry about WHAT IT REALLY MEANS to confess her feelings. theyre just like i need to tell him he needs to know.and haruka's like I Love You Too. takane acting like he's insane for that. haruka rly has to give takane like 10 or 20 minutes of freakout for them to be like omg💗

i said i wouldnt sidetrack to harutaka then did . whatever. This is who i am. erm. oh yeah the ost. SO kano finally managing to let one of his siblings comfort him is obviously scary to him, takane's reaction at ayano's words abt how shintaro needs someone selfish to pull him forward and how she has to be honest to haruka is also scary to her. So having that ost in both these scenes....SO GOOD!!!

i WOULDN'T GO AS FAR AS TO SAY kano and takane are the same guy but i know what u mean. like i said in ur other ask man their PARALLELS... both are playing a role.. (holds head)

theyre not the same guy but theyre heavily like. people with the same ideas but different goals idk. to me its more like... sorry for ripping on takane so much but she is so damn stupid. like emotionally. takane is DUMB takane is SO DAMN OBLIVIOUS ALL THE TIME. While kano is very smart and i think he acts in a very calculated way, kano isn't oblivious at all

i'm pretty sure ALL the kano&takane interactions are from kano's point of view, and maybe the fact they're so similar is why kano is always so mean spirited to her in his pov. like he sees too much of him in them so he's like lol FUCK YOU. like kano always acts so annoyed towards takane. i hate how in the fifth novel takane getting its body back is so brushed off and kano doesnt even help her, and then he's like augh i dont wanna see her right now. like u just traumadumped that bitch to hell and then not only do you not help her get her body back but u also act all weird about having to see her. jail for kano for 1000 years.

But like to me he acts that way... takane IS the first person kano ever opens up to precisely bc he sees himself in her, and like him she is secretly someone else. kano resents takane because she's a lot like him BUT.... BETTER.

kano acts kind of like a brat to takane yet says he doesnt want her to dislike him and SAYS that he is jealous of takane.

this line MEANS SO MUCH TO ME *GOES INSANE*

i think kano is rly jealous of takane bc she's a lot like him yet she's a good person. and he doesn't think he is a good person. and on top of it takane's the one who stays by shintaro's side who kano cant stand so he resents her x2. im not a fan of what mca did in ep 7 with kano&ene but for kano to go as far as do that to someone who never did Anything to him just bc he's pissed to another guy. like man kano is such a fucking jerk to takane in all routes and it's never treated as heavy as it is. tortures her with turning into haruka and takes his frustration out on her abt people moving on (which his siblings&shintaro do yet he chooses TAKANE to take it out on who is in an even worse position than everyone else bc shes dead like girl whats it supposed to do SHES JUST TRYING TO LIVE THEIR LIFE OR WHATEVER IS LEFT OF IT AND AT LEAST HELP SOMEONE SHE LOVES MOVE ON TOO) and also traumadumps them and then leaves her to her own devices to get her body back. like fuck that. kano sucks so bad and takane always forgives him so easily. this is partly cuz again the narrative sorta brushes it off coughs coughs the narrative doesnt take takane seriously cough cough but TO ME!! TAKANE'S JUST A GOOD GUY💗 i think takane forgiving him so easily also pisses off kano bc it shows how good takane is and it drives him crazy. takane when 2 guys (kano and shintaro) are absolutely fucking horrible to her and she's like its ok we are best friends👍 again i think takane's just not taken seriously enough and its like yeah takane forgives everyone or doesnt care because we dont need her angry abt it in the story. but to me theyre just so niceys.

god i havent even talked abt kanoshin yet sorry for my takane brainworms you dont understand she is everything to ME!!! TAKANE ENOMOTOOOO‼️‼️‼️ in my defense u said most of the kanoshin stuff which i 100% agree with.

what i didnt even think abt is kano kind of telling takane thru wondering if shintaro ever felt that way abt her bc theyre so similar so kano's like well. if he likes me maybe he liked takane. HEHE GOOD ONE. good one..... augh takane having the warmth of ayano and the mischief of kano. listen to me. im rly so crazy about takane i think all the characters inside of kagepro should be crazy abt her too. sorry i started abt takane again. whatever. takane💗

i also think theyd be the first to find out (and seto but he is not a danger) mostly bc. GOSSIP GRAVITATES TOWARDS HER finds out by chance rather than kano telling her but i DO LOVE THAT CONCEPT OF KANO WONDERING IF SHINTARO EVER LIKED TAKANE kano's first lethal mistake is asking HER though. i think he would rather ask shintaro but FOR THE SAKE OF THE SCENARIO, SURE

ok but thats rly funny haruka and takane being the only ones to know and shintaro and kano not wanting to be alone and forcing them to be there😭 also how would haruka know... I LOVE haruka being up to date with mekakushi dan gossip literally just because he's dating gossip central takane but he just doesnt do anything with the info cuz hes like well i know that now. i think takane just starts talking and goes on and on and haruka's drawing and gasping and being like omg wow really. theyre so silly. i have a hc that during hs takane looks out their classroom window that happens to face a Popular Confession Place and she sits there to watch like its tv. shes like look haruka another one. this one's also getting rejected. haruka's like Takane is so easily entertained💗

but yeah. i think that's how haruka would know. personally i think kano&shintaro would rather be alone bc theyre both terrified of this relationship and wouldnt want anyone to know PLUS i already like takane as relationship mediator to shinaya so doing it to her twice in a row seems just cruel Like at this point takane is living their best domestic harutaka cat parent life ok. like leave it tf alone!! give them a break!! however it is extremely comical. most painful awkward time ever with kanoshin & harutaka

so ill accept it. like its fucking funny. erm. sorry this is all over the place.

[tacticalhimbo]

so!! i finished watching runs of phantom liberty... and vin's getting a new canon. this dlc and its new ending are canon for him.

i just think the storyline does a great job at showing what vin really wants, and what it takes for him to realize that.

dlc storyline spoilers under the cut, even if they're pretty out of context/explained horribly.

also if ya see this twice very sorry posted this on my rp blog too but i post abt vinny a lot here so y'all get the character development too ♡ i'm so fucking normal (lie)

when this happens is after? you talk to the vdb. so vin's already been up shit's creek by this point. there's the shit with ev. the shit with takemura. the shit with the cados. he's been tugged around.

and then? then his relic gets hacked! and he's told to get his ass to the most dangerous part of nc? alone? yeah. yeah. he's not happy. johnny isn't either, but at this point vin's at a low and honestly could see him following songbird hoping to die.

and then he gets everything thrown on him.

- hey i need your help saving the president.

- hey im the president i need your help getting out of here, the attack came from the inside and i dont trust anybody.

- hey youre now a federal intelligence agent and tour making contact with a sleeper agent bc my runner that contacted you went missing thx.

he's already there, fuck it. maybe some gonk-brain will kill him. but. but!

there is a part of him still kinda hopeful. maybe one more step and he gets the help he needs. one more contact. one more task. and it just. keeps. going.

he's pulled into the monotonous bullshit he tried so hard to escape from. being pulled around on all these fronts again, especially as it comes out songbird is the traitor; this has been in the works for what? months now? because she knows about militech's own version of soulkiller and she, being led on by meyers, was used as a bow and made a portal for the blackwall to conduct govt espionage.

but it just. keeps. getting. worse!

songbird leaves him for dead. reed is stonewalling him. alex is fucking dead. johnny's quieter than usual. he's all alone in fucking dogtown and the only person he feels REMOTE TRUST for is feeding him nothing. and it sucks! but he's still trying to believe that he'll get that out.

and there's so many good convos with the characters in this dlc about morality, mortality, and consequence.

and it ultimately ends with vin trusting reed and them breaking songbird outta maxtac custody, bc surprise the blackwall connection makes you go cyberpsycho. and she makes it to the derelict militech lab that u go into alone alone, bc johnny gets sliced and ur comms are fucked. and there's this whole sequence of almost dying, being hunted alien isolation style by a blackwall ai controlled spider mech, and then you find songbird and she BEGS YOU to kill her. BEGS. and vin just... cant.

it's ironic coming from him considering so many of his dumb decisions are an expression of his suicidality, but he helps. he continues to help!

and even after, he's treated like shit. reed keeps stonewalling him. president myers is a cunt who cordially reminds him of the oath he took and the nice, tight leash she has around his neck.

and then? when he's finally "rescued"? ||he doesnt even say goodbye to anyone. and that hurts the most. arasaka ending sucked, sure, but this? no rooftop talk with misty. no goodbye to vik. just a text explaining he'll be outta town for a bit. and then it ends up being TWO YEARS. HE'S IN A COMA FOR TWO YEARS. ALONE. IN LANGLEY.

and when he wakes up, reed continues. to. stonewall. him. keeps it vague. apologizes, sure, but even now he cannot bring himself to actually care. which is understandable when you look at his character but. vin is livid.

there was no closure. no guarantee he'd even wake up. he could have up and died and nobody would ever fucking know!

and then he gets back to nc and... oh.

oh things changed. things really changed:

- vik became a corpo doc, working for some zetatech corp. he says he didn't have a choice.

- misty is just gone. you run into her after getting jumped by street mercs, and she's on her way to poland.

- arasaka? fucking gone. takemura and hanako went into everything alone and *hanako just up and fucking died.* no explanation. dunno if yori killed her or what. but takemura is in hiding now bc they believe he killed hanako *and* saburo. then yori stepped down as ceo all together.

- didnt see the others' calls so idk what happens with panam, judy, and river, but it can't be much better for them.

and i just...

the whole idea of vin being forced into the background being both a relief and a terror to him is so... it's so good. the idea that he lost everything again, but he now has control over that.

it fucks him up, that's for sure. the dialog you have with reed? with vik? with misty? some real shit. he's on the verge of that suicidality again, but he lived. he can live. he has control over that now.

and it's for the first time in a long time, considering the fact he worked with arasaka counter-intel. he awaited death for so long, knowing it could come at any second, that there's a... bitterness. in losing that feeling. a confusion in the fact he can just. exist without consequence.

this is really the meat of it tho. the last bit. the fact that vin is both the exact same man he was and someone entirely new.

the fact that he changed and didn't. that he's messy and there is no truly happy ending for him, that he's just... human.

that in the end, he still fucked over johnny (except at least in the arasaka ending, he was kinda understanding to a point. here? he's just angry. dejected. vin's last words to him were that he couldn't forgive him for the shit he's done to his body) and still LOST the game of life.

he still lost. but he lost in the best way possible.

the legend of v is out there, but he doesn't have to be that. live up to it. he can just be... him. and i think that's all he really wants, in the end. to learn who he is and to be him. a chance to just exist without consequence. to not have to make choices on who gets harmed and why. to make choices of dire urgency. to just... breathe.

it just took so much for him to realize that, and it's going to weigh on him for god knows how long (if not his whole life, whatever remains of it).

[schizopositivity]

hello! im sorry if i havent responded to your ask yet, im still active and try to but it takes time for these reasons:

•brain fog a thought blocking make answering questions right away challenging sometimes, some days i really just cant

•i put a lot of thought into my answers. i usually take time to sit with the ask and think it through. then i draft up a reply. then i do some research (i love peer reviwed studies and articles from medical websites best which can take time to really read through). this is so i can fact check my thoughts, learn more about things i dont know, and possibly link articles i find helpful in the replies. i then revise my draft but still leave it in drafts. then ill come back to it another day to try and read it from the point of view of the asker. i also try to fix spelling mistakes and make sure my point comes across in a respectful and educational way. so theres just a lot going on behind the scenes.

•i work a nearly full time job, and when im not working im resting, doing household activities, socializing or just sleeping cause my meds make me very tired. i dont have the time or energy to answer questions every day.

i still care very deeply about this blog. and i love being able to answer questions from the perspective of a schizophrenic person. i think i just hold myself and my posts to a certain standard where i cant just quickly answer or post whenever. this blog is run by me alone so it cant operate as effectively as i would want it to.

i put a lot less work into answering dms usually, so if you want to get a quick, simpler answer that would be the best way to reach me.

thanks for reading! i hope everyone is taking care of their mental health, advocating for yourself and advocating for the schizophrenic people who cant advocate for themselves.

[writemywaytoyourheart]

hiiii i found your blog and saw that you’re talking abt tae’s current situation i wanna say thank you for your kind words as i’m feeling overwhelmed too abt the news. i always seek comfort by reading his fics whenever i’m feeling down but now when im sad abt this i cant read his fics bcs he’s the reason why im sad. i know it’s weird and cringed but how do i overcome this huaaaaa :(

(sorry for ranting and sorry if this post made you uncomfortable you can just ignore it if you feel so!)

Hey bean, first of all this did not make me uncomfortable in the slightest, and you have no reason to apologize for your feelings.

Lots of people are feeling this way and have been made time and time again to feel ashamed for it. I think that's wrong. None of you deserve to be ridiculed and made to stuff your feelings down deep so that you don't get targeted.

I'm sorry you've all felt so alone during this. I promise you that you are not alone.

ARMY, let's do better.

These are our friends, basically our family at times. Why do we have to shun them just to make ourselves look "better"? How disappointed do you think BTS would be in some of us to find out how some of their beloved fans were treated for having feelings?

I for one don't think they'd be all too proud.

Nonnie, it is totally normal for you to be avoiding fics about him right now. Like I said in earlier posts, the love is very much real and along with that comes the very real heartbreak, even if some people can't understand it.

Things that used to make you happy are now a direct trigger.

As for overcoming it, there are things that work for some people and things that don't work at all for others. Do what feels right to you, okay?

You can face it head on and bulldoze your way through it, that's how some people heal and feel better.

Or you can find other things that make you happy. It seems like a distraction that won't help in the long run but if this way works for you it isn't that. It's simply filling your life with so many things that bring you joy that you will eventually realize there's more to life than you thought, and it won't hurt as much anymore.

The first step is acknowledging it, which you have done, and I'm so proud of you for that.

Right now, it probably feels like it'll never stop hurting. That you'll never be able to come back from this.

I'm not gonna tell you that you can or cannot.

That's up to you, bean.

This is your story.

You make the rules.

You are the main character in your life, no one can take that from you.

So.

What does that character we love so much do?

Does the book end here, or do we get to see another chapter?

Will our MC give up, or will they break only to become so so much more beautiful?

A character with no struggles is hardly one we can connect with. We root for them because they are broken, and yet we love them and fully believe that they will pick themselves back up and keep going. It's okay to stay down there for a while, it's okay to sit there and cry. We'll all be crying there with you.

But I truly hope the story does not end there.

I for one would love to turn the page and keep reading.

ILY 🥰

-chip

[life-with-a-4yearold]

my first post!

So I decided I would start blogging, but didn’t know where to start. Why I decided was because my life is hectic, chaotic, funny and down right stressful. I have a 4 year old child a 2.5 year old german shepherd and a partner we have a 3 bed ex council house and live in a lovely little village. All seems great ? well no… we may sound like your typical family but we have a lot of baggage our life isn’t perfect in fact far from perfect. We have our arguments we have days where we laugh non stop, there are days when all I want to do is cry and forget the world. Times are tough when you have a 4 year old who doesn’t want to listen and is so head strong that you feel like breaking down but yet shes the most caring child and loves us and her dog more then anything, like we love her. So I decided i would write about it to let people no they are not alone. I’ll tell you something, its not easy having children I only have one and find that hard. Starting from the beginning. Pregnancy was terrible, heartburn, sickness, aches and pains. I found out I just was pregnant November 2018. I had her on June 18th 2019. She starts school this year. What 4 years its been, we have moved 3 times. Our first dog died he got run over. We then got another dog his an arsehole we got him when my daughter was 1 and he was 9 weeks old. Now that was a mistake! Having a 9 week old puppy and 1 year old just walking. Now shes 4 and his nearly 3 they have both become best friends and wont leave each others side, typical german shepherd behaviour.

Days turn in to weeks in this house, I do anything for a simple life. Cant be arsed to put the washing away I wont, don’t feel like hoovering today I wont. I do everything and its ok to have a day off every now and then, we have a take away on a Saturday night so I don’t have to cook 7 times out of 10 we will have one then too. I HATE having to cook when I don’t want to. The theought of having to think of what to cook for dinner drives me crazy! And no one eats the same thing EVER roast dinner I im the only one who eats veg. my daughter will eat carrots peas and broccoli my partner don’t eat fuck all. Im fed up of doing different dinners, no what I think the dog actually eats more then what we do. No point in me even buying dog food he eats everything they leave which is pretty much the whole plate! End up doing cheesy pasta!! Fucking cheesy pasta.

Days out? Yeah all sound great until you get a screaming 4 year old because they want an ice cream which costs about £8? Since when did 99’s cost so much ? no wonder no one wants to go out anymore, we went to the zoo just to get in cost £109.98! for the FUCKING zoo!! As we was walking round you get them people that just decide to stop in the middle of the path and get in everyones fucking way and DON’T move. Finally get passed mumbling fucking idiots under your breath. Still while youre kids screaming because you’ve refused to pay £8 for a 99. Sweating because its 1000 degrees. Thinking what the fuck was I thinking. To make things worse walk past the gorillas and they are only having abit and now got to explain to a 4 year old that they are just playing, and that’s what they do. Had to buy the £8 ice cream to get her to move away from them. So not only are we sweating skint and now traumatized, we have a 4 year old that’s witnessed 2 gorllias going at it. Well that’s the only thing she did see as no other bastard animal was out!! Now were all hungry thirsty and fed up… find a nice little food shack got 2 burgers and a hot dog and shared some chips…. £36.00 sorry what ? for 2 burgers a hot dog and one portion of chips ? didn’t even get the drinks because my idiot partner forgot them!! Well glad he did would have had to taken out a second mortgage! Fucking livid at this point, in the end we walked round rest may have seen a zebra could have been a rhino, I was so hot and thirsty I don’t know what I was seeing. Gift shop on the way out why??? The DRAMA we had when we said she couldn’t have anything because it was to expensive. Dragging her out by her feet, while shes screaming she wants a monkey. LAST thing I wanted to see. FINALLY we gave in got her it and then finally got back to the car, shes strapped in and me and my partner look at each other with the look of defeat and just sigh. Drove home in silence the whole way. TRAUMATIZED by the experience. Bitch bag is in the bag seat flat out asleep clenching her new £18.00 toy that is about the size of a small banana. Excuse the pun. Ive never looked forward to getting home so much in my life. We ended up all having a bath put fresh pjs on I opened and drank 2 bottles of wine while crying lol. Ordered a kebab watched the rest of Paw patrol the movie and off we went to bed. Day over all to be done again in a couple weeks time.

To Be Continued….. one very tired and stressed mum.  

[phantom-ellie]

The Art of (Smashing) Crockery Chapter 26: Radio Silence

Click here for CWs/Full Chapter List

It’s one in the afternoon when Ed finally trudges back to his apartment with a giant headache and feeling no better than he had before. He knew it would be a bad idea to see Jack. How long had this bender been? Ed shrugs to himself. Who would even care?

He heads straight to his room and plugs his phone into the charger before depositing himself on the bed. He stares at the ceiling, feeling sorry for himself. Hoping that maybe with the couple days of distance, he and Stede can… start over? Ed doesn’t know if he wants that. He doesn’t know if he can just be Stede’s friend.

He doesn’t know if he can be who Stede needs him to be right now.

His phone starts buzzing like crazy, and Ed squints and picks it up as it begins to charge. He’s hit with a flood of notifications. Texts, missed calls from the whole crew, Izzy, numbers he doesn’t even recognize.

He sits up and isn’t even sure where to begin. Text after text begging him to pick up his phone. Did they think Ed was in trouble? It was nice to be cared about.

Out of habit, he opens his favorite blog, wondering what Stede has been up to.

That is the last peaceful thought he has for a long time.

The blog post. The group chat notifications. The texts from Izzy. And of course, from Stede.

Stede: ok, i understand Stede: i wont bother you anymore, ed Stede: dont feel bad, nothing was your fault

Holy fucking shit.

He doesn’t even think to do anything else, dialing Stede’s number on repeat, getting frustrated with each failure to pick up. He can’t call anyone else, what if Stede calls him back? With furious tears he shoots off a desperate message.

Ed: Stede mate pick up the phonr

There’s a pause of a good two minutes as Ed dials and redials and dials and redials. Then…

Stede: i don't feel like talking

Thank fuck.

Ed: im sorry for everything, tell me where you are and ill come get you

Stede: i cant Stede: it's too far

Ed: too far from ehat

Stede: i don't want people to see me Stede: i don't want to hear i told you so anymore Stede: tell them to stop flooding my phone Stede: please

Ed: pcik up the phone Ed: talk to me

Stede: if I tell you where i am will you tell everypne

Ed: ill come get you

Stede: i don't want mary and the kids to be scared

Ed: why do you think they'd be scared

Stede: can you come alone

Should Ed go alone? Should he bring someone, an ambulance, he’s not trained for this, he doesn’t know how to…

Ed: yes Ed: anything man

Stede: ok Stede: im at pigeon point

Ed: the lighthouse?

Stede: yes

Ed: im coming there now, will you call me and stay on the phone so I can hear that you're safe?

Stede: I cant

Ed: will you wait for me to get down there?

Stede: i think Stede: 2 hours Stede: cant wait anymore

Ed: dont fuckjnf move

Ed shoots off a quick text to Lucius telling him that he’ll have more information soon, and books it for his bike. He doesn’t have time to call anyone else. They’ll have to find out about it later.

He tears off from his parking spot, grateful that he can weave in and out of traffic on his bike. Pigeon point is an hour’s drive from his location.

Fifty minutes later, Ed pulls up to the parking lot outside of the lighthouse, spotting Stede’s car as he turns into the parking lot. It looks empty, dark. Ed parks his bike and runs towards it, hoping to search for a sign of where Stede might have gone. Luckily, he doesn’t have to.

Stede is in the driver’s seat, bent over, forehead pressed against the steering wheel. For a moment Ed thinks that he’s passed out, or… worse… but when he approaches the window Stede turns his head to glance at him before reaching over to unlock the passenger-side door. Ed walks around the car and slips inside.

“Stede… oh my god, I’m so sorry I didn’t pick up before, I can explain-”

“Don’t.” Stede’s forehead is still against the steering wheel. He’s looking straight ahead, eyes red, voice shaky. “You don’t have to. I’m too tired to listen.”

“Let me drive you home, okay? You’re going to be fine.”

Stede slowly shakes his head. “Fuck, I’m so messed up, Ed.” He puts his head in his hands. Ed places a hand on Stede’s back, moving it back and forth, and Stede shudders at the touch.

“You aren’t messed up, Stede. Your life is messed up. That isn’t you.”

“You don’t… you don’t know. It’s nice of you to want to see the best in me. You’re the only one who does, I think. But it doesn’t matter. It’s all fallen apart and I can’t fix it.” Stede is crying now.

“Just talk to me, okay? Get it out. I’ll listen.”

“It’s just… why?” Stede wipes tears from his eyes, which look like they’re made of glass. “Why did I have to go and prove them all right? Do you know how hard I’ve tried? I did everything right. I gave up everything that made me happy to prove them wrong. And I still couldn’t.”

“Wrong about what?”

“I can’t…” He swallows and shakes his head. “I’m… gay. I’ve always been gay. And everyone knew it but me. Everyone.”

Ed scratches the back of his neck awkwardly. “I mean… yeah… we kind of did. But it isn’t a bad thing…” His voice trails off as Stede begins to sob harder.

“You don’t understand. It’s something good to you. But to me it’s…” Stede searches for the right word. “It’s failure. It was the one thing I had to prove them all wrong about me. I had pride in defying their expectations because… god… I’ve failed to meet expectations my whole life, Ed. Every time. But I put everything on this. I wasn’t going to fail. But I did.”

“Being gay isn’t a failing, Stede. I’m gay, most of your friends are gay. Do you think they’re failures for that?”

“No, but…” He rocks forward and back a little. “If they’re right about this, if I am who they say I am… they must be right about everything else.”

“You’re wrong. They aren’t.”

“How do you know? How do I know? I don’t know anything about myself. I’m nothing. I’m broken and I’ve always been broken.”

“You aren’t broken because you’re gay, Stede.”

“I’m broken because I’m me.” Stede whispers as he places his forehead back on the steering wheel, gripping the bottom of it so hard his knuckles turn white.

“I don’t think you’re broken.” I love who you are.

“You don’t have to live with me every day. You don’t have to think these thoughts. And I’m happy for you, Ed.” He closes his eyes. “No one should have to feel this way. I’m glad Mary is leaving me. I’ll give her everything. They are going to be so happy without me.”

“Stede…”

“Ed.” Stede sighs and finally looks over. “I'm sorry that I fucked everything up between us.”

“Why are we here, Stede? What are you planning?” Ed moves his hand to Stede’s shoulder and grips it, hard. He knows the answer to his own question, and is confident that he can stop it. But it breaks his heart all the same.

“I was… I was going to drive off the cliff.” Ed nods and looks ahead at the water. “Or drive into the water from the beach. I read… drowning, it feels good. It’s peaceful. It’s the way I’ve always imagined doing it.”

Ed squeezes his shoulder harder. “How often have you imagined… doing it?”

“Oh, you know…” Stede sniffs and waves his hand. “Everyone does from time to time.”

Ed shakes his head. “No, Stede. They don’t. That isn’t normal.”

“Well, I’m not fucking normal, am I? That’s the problem.”

Ed snorts. “I don’t want you to be normal. I love you for who you are. I wish you loved yourself the same way.”

Stede’s eyes well up with tears again and he sobs quietly, placing his hand on the one gripping his shoulder.

Ed pulls him in for a hug, and Stede buries his face in Ed's shoulder and shivers.

"You know now that there's no way I'm gonna let you do this, right? I'm not leaving this car."

“I… I know. ” Stede chokes with a whisper. “I texted you.”

“You did. You texted me and told me where to find you and you waited. That means something."

Stede sighs and holds on to Ed even tighter. “I think… I need a favor.”

“Anything. Anything at all, you name it, long as it involves me driving you out of here.”

“I think this is my last… I don’t have any other options.”

“Tell me what you need, man.”

“I need… help? I can’t stop thinking about it… You make me feel brave enough to… do something better. No one else cares.”

Ed feels tears running down his face. “That isn’t true, that’s your brain lying to you. There are a whole lot of people who care about you.”

“I don't want to get help for them, Ed. I know that’s bad, but I just want you."

“You have me, Stede. Always. You believe that, right?”

Stede pulls away and wipes his eyes. He gives an exhausted smile.

“I think so.” He bites his lower lip and looks out at the ocean. “I think… I think I need to go to a hospital.”

Ed processes this for a second and then nods.

“Yeah, that’s a good idea, mate. We’re gonna get you some help, okay?”

“Will you… will you come with me? Your bike…”

“Fuck the bike.” Ed gets out of the car and walks around to open Stede’s door. “Move over, I’m driving you.” He waves his hands in a “move” motion, because there is no way Ed is letting Stede out of the car until they are somewhere safe.

Stede awkwardly lifts his legs one at a time to move over the center console, and Ed slides into the driver’s seat, turning on the car’s child locks pointedly.

“Do you want to… listen to music?” Ed asks as he starts the car.

“No.” Stede shakes his head. “I don’t.” Ed squeezes Stede’s knee and begins to drive in silence. Stede rests his head against the passenger-side window and within minutes is asleep, leaving Ed to drive silently with a mixture of terror at losing the best thing in his life and the relief at saving him, if only for now.

Chapter 27