#and i cant even afford literally my next phone bill

[legy]

hi! i'm caelum. you might know me from @goldentruths-pod or from posting online. im in a financial quicksand pit and i really, really, really need help.

i'm disabled and receive approx ~$950 a month from social security. this has gone from "rough but survivable" when i first started receiving SSI to "i am literally not making ends meet" in 2024. right now my current status is that i am covering my basic needs but any kind of extra purchases are impossible. and the extra purchases i need to make keep piling up because i just can't afford them. some things i need include, in vague level of priority:

dolphin, my cat, is years overdue for a vet visit. this is going to be $300 minimum, possibly more because she has an adversarial relationship with the vet. she needs dental work done which they had quoted me as being $1500 but ive been putting it off for so long that i would not be surprised if that's more expensive too

i have learned today that my gold crown needs to be replaced. really unhappy about this one. it was a miserable experience the first time (everything that went wrong did go wrong, i'll spare you the details) but what is relevant here is that my insurance does not cover this and it was $900 last time. insurance also does not cover extracting the tooth either so that's cool. i have some time before this one is due (my next consult is in july)

my phone is approaching "unusably broken". i've had it for close to 4 years now. the call speaker no longer works (i can only use the phone on speaker mode) and it struggles to run apps or a web browser which makes things like GPS pretty dire. this would be like ~$100-$150 probably, i havent done serious phone shopping yet

my driver's license is expired and i need to get a new one. this was $110 last time. note i havent driven a car in years due to the disability but it's really valuable to have a universally recognized form of photo ID and ive already been hassled over it being expired

god this one is so embarrassing to get into but i had to flee my previous apartment last year due to it escalating into a DV situation. the other tenants did not pay the heating bill, which was in my name (and my dumb ass didnt close the account because it was the middle of february and i didnt want to freeze them to death) so i have a $250 utility bill in collections. i might be able to dispute or debt forgiveness this one but tbh ive been so fucking drained given everything else going on and also my phone barely works so i havent pursued it. especially since i can't afford to pay it if i cant challenge it

i would really like to have a passport again. my previous one was destroyed by my landlord in 2018 but even if it wasnt it'd also be expired now. not sure how much this one costs. likely $200?

my food stamps were slashed in half (covid emergency ending lol) and do not cover my food costs for the month so im paying like $150 a month on food that i didnt have to previously. i can maybe fix this one but im slowly losing my mind from malnutrition from trying to not go into debt and also eat. so i havent had it in me to go 1v1 welfare bureaucracy and possibly make everything even worse

my shoes are probably two months out from fully decomposing. they were $100 three years ago and id like to get something comparable given they lasted me this long

the rest of my clothes are also very literally becoming threadbare, falling apart, or are too big and keep slipping off. i legitimately feel embarrassed to go in public these days because i dress so shitty all the time

insurance doesnt cover my HRT anymore so that's $30 a month i didnt used to have to pay

im sorry this turned into such a ramble. i'm in such a bad way right now, i have been for quite a while and the dental work news is really just the final straw. i can't really have a fundraising goal because due to the SSI asset limit i can never own more than $2000. & i'm aware both that this is the poor people sending each other the same 20 dollars website and that there are people urgently trying to raise money to escape an active genocide. but i held off from making this post as long as possible & idk what else i can do

anyway if theres anything you can contribute to help me i would appreciate it more than anything. at the very least i need to do something about my tooth.

http://paypal.me/hivehum

[shadyhouse]

hey hi hello good morning um i just got woken up with the knowledge of my bank account being way in the negatives because a bill came in later than it should have and i am not taking it well

i started a new job last week and im not getting my first check until later this week, and theyre mailing it to me so it may come even later. my phone bill needs to be paid (its $54 and i need my phone turned back on just in case my job tries to call me, i dont want to get fired/suspended over this) and of course my fridge is looking empty at the worst time too (literally any amount helps, i just need basic food to last for the next week. im running low on struggle meal ingredients 😅)

im transmasc and queer and i have no family or support system to fall back on, i would take on more commissions but my queue is very full and i want to make a dent in it before i open up again, plus its hard to be creative in a situation like this... i cant afford burnout right now

im so close to being back on my feet, this is my last roadblock and its coming at the worst time. as soon as things get steady with work things will be back to normal!!!

please please please dont feel obligated to help, only if you can afford to do so, otherwise id appreciate reblogs! i know we're all struggling right now, even just visibility helps

paypal.me/bewearrr

ko-fi.com/shadyhouse

venmo: tobias_leviathan

thank you for reading this far if you did, hopefully this will be the last time ever i need to make a post like this... 😭 i cant afford to lose my job and im hungry dude!!!!!! its pride month i shouldnt be living like this!!!!!!

[kasaneteto]

sorry i simply must complain for a moment

ive been complaining about my roommate too much on instagram so im doing it here instead 🖕 fuck you

MOTHERFUCKER CANNOT TAKE CARE OF HIMSELF!!!! tell me why this man is turning 26 NEXT WEEK and can’t remember to pay me back for the bills. won’t do any chores unless he’s asked to or HE has friends coming over. i literally feel like im living with a teenager.

i’ve recently realized just how much ive coddled him and made excuses for him because of his mental health struggles and the way his parents treated him his whole life. ive also realized that its entirely up to him to recognize that his mental health struggles & trauma are HIS problems to deal with and i shouldnt have to temper my expectations because of that. i can only tell him he needs therapy so many times before it’ll just go in one ear and out the other like every other thing i say to him. he is so incapable of any kind of self-reflection or self-awareness, has no concept of how his actions might affect others, can’t make any compromises without throwing a fucking tantrum about it. it’s exhausting. he requires so much attention and validation in order to be happy. being in the same room is like an invitation to talk to him. AND HE SAYS THE SAME SHIT. its like ive exhausted all dialogue options. he always makes the same stupid jokes that are just *goofy or purposefully obnoxious comment about what im doing* and i DONT have the energy to entertain that shit every day. but it RUINS his mood if you dont partake in his humor and then he just sulks. he cannot be serious. everything is jokey goofy fun time. when finn and i told him she’s trans & that we broke up his response was just to stare at us like a deer in headlights and go “oh. okay. sorry thats just a lot to process” which is like. just such a perfect prime example of how he cannot handle anything serious or heavy. when he got cheated on he was inconsolable and would not leave finn and i alone (and we wanted to help!!! we care about him!!!) he literally would follow us to our room and we would have to ask him for alone time!!!! he’s like a baby!!!! he’s so deadset on finding a new partner and i just wanna scream in his face NO RELATIONSHIP YOURE IN WILL EVER WORK IUT UNTIL YOU WORK ON YOURSELF AND UNPACK YOUR TRAUMA!!!!!!

he always uses money as an excuse like “ohhh i cant afford it” motherfucker. you can’t afford anything that isnt something you want. so you cant afford to pay me bills on time but you can afford a new monitor for cyber monday? you can’t afford therapy but you can afford to get a shitty fake christmas tree because THATS what’s important to you? he lives so fucking hedonistically and acts like he lives paycheck to paycheck when he makes 22 DOLLARS AN HOUR. MOTHERFUCKER YOU MAKE MORE THAN ME. YOU CAN FUCKING AFFORD IT YOU JUST DONT BUDGET OR SAVE AT ALL.

ok sorry i had to get that shit out because im so frustrated with him. i had a party the other night and he just sulked around until his friends came, hung out with them and only them the whole time, then continued to sulk and complain once they left. then sat around scrolling on his phone while my friends helped me clean everything up. my friends who actually are responsible and arent just in their own world with no consideration for others.

its not like he’s a bad person or even a bad friend because he truly isn’t. he’s just so emotionally immature and does not have the strength to look inward & realize that he is the source of most of his unhappiness in his life currently. its really hard to live around given the stage of my life im currently in.

i wish i could tell him all of this to be honest but hes so fucking sensitive. i HAVE tried to talk to him about a lot of these issues too (him needing to he asked to do chores, not paying me back etc) and its always the same thing. he gets better for a couple months but it quickly goes back to how it was before. im just like so done acting like his problems are mine. done asking him for favors. i hate that living with him has made me lose so much respect for him (he has no moral backbone) because like. i can see that he wants to be better. he just isnt strong enough to admit that hes the problem in his life right now. anyways. thanks for reading this if you did lol

[ourlittlebitofnothinguniverse]

Mhhhhhhhh

[bangarangtumblweed]

notes

Your country is killing you. Your country does not have your best interest in mind. That is why you have had to hoard all of your wealth. You may not have much. You may not think you have much. That is because your culture has taught you to think in a  deficit or scarcity mindset. The only scarcity is your younger generations suffering for the inequities of capitalism. Capitalism does not have room for the elderly. The family has been abolished. The culture of caring for the elderly devolved into 100 square-foot apartments were three people attend  to 30 or 40 individuals 12-18 hours at a time. Until they die.

Its profitable to keep poor people poor. Poverty charges interest. Cant afford a dentist? Next year you need a root canal. Can’t afford an upfront Costco membership to buy in bulk? Its 40 times more at the individual level. No money in your account? Overdraft fee. Transfer fee. Return check fee. Don’t pay your bill, late fee.

Fuck you.

Giving millions to charity that will trickle into the needy’s outstretched hand a minuscule percentage of what was promised gives you the warm and fuzzies. But I am actually hungry, I actually need help. The difference is: you know me.

You cant “personal finance” your way out of this. you cant tell me that I’m supposed to work overtime and not pee at the hospital or someones home 16 hours a day 7 days a week.

And then I’m supposed to buy a house, 150-300k but by the time my 30 year mortgage rolls around I’ve paid more like 600k to rent my land for which my tax bill can cause me to be foreclosed upon. Its not ownership, its fucking capitalism. You are the capital. You are the product. 

License fee, registration, insurance, year after year.. Its a fucking joke. 

Loyalty is not rewarded. Meth fueled work binges are.

I recently had a couple managers at a job who smoked meth. They were so manic I feared for my safety. Because they were on uppers and they were emotionally labile to the point of insanity. I get it, they needed the energy. we can’t physically lay stone for 12 hours. Its absurd.

My last job fired me for drinking water and getting my tire fixed, with permission. Mostly for not working overtime for free.

Let me tell you what I would do if I had any money. I would buy seeds. I would buy bitcoin. I would buy a cherry picker. I would get a pneumatic air polisher. There is no end to the amount of stuff that I can do. Money is not some thing that you supposed to keep you’re supposed to spend it on goods and services anybody could employ me to do anything. They don’t want to. Why? because I’m smarter than them. It makes them feel bad about themselves. When their shitty behavior is thrown back in their face, no one should be bullied into working more than they’re contracted for. 

In addition; I’m prettier than your average duck. It makes people feel uncomfortable because there is no part of the brain that can comprehend what I look like. there’s no emotional equivalent inside of their mind. They do not have the capability to understand what they’re looking at.

it becomes cute aggression, the other side of the blade I walk every day. 

I have seen people become enraged to the point of screaming, for absolutely no reason. I had a girl in nursing school argue with me about what “obtunded” meant. She berated me so flagrantly my teacher actually had to have a personal chat with her. There was no reason for it, I was actually right about the definition, and the condition the patient was in. This happens regularly. I wish I didn’t have such a good memory because I can recount almost every event like this, with terrifying detail 

Its called and eidetic emotional memory. And although I don’t have a photographic memory I can remember conversations and events as if they happened yesterday. 

My wisdom teeth give me frequent headaches. They need to be removed it’s $3-$8000. No one will take my government insurance in town here so I have to wait 6  or more months for the University Michigan school of dentistry which is 2 hours away. I’ve been cutting these molars into my cheek and tongue for the last 10 years. 

Remember how I said poverty charged interest? If you can’t pay your phone bill you can’t get a job you you can’t get a job you can’t pay phone bill.

I won’t even leave my house for fear of crashing my car or getting covid because I know if I don’t have a car that runs or I get sick then I’ll become homeless.

Try getting your car fixed. Try to pay someone to tell you what’s wrong with your car for less than 250 bucks. Try and justify spending hundreds on co-pays for medications  and therapy rather than just simply going to the marijuana dispensary literally around the corner from my house. I don’t drink drinking makes me sick, it’s poison. But marijuana has been Illegal my entire life. My brother handed me my first bowl at 15, I smoked more in New Zealand at 16, when I got home I kept smoking and I never stopped. I’ve been villainized and judged for every single action that I’ve ever taken since I was old enough to think and act for myself. My body was hijacked at a young age, my mind similarly so. By rapists and capitalism.

I have an IQ 130 and I’m a fucking carpenter

[snoewolf]

Im not good at blogging.

I always assume its not worth posting and just dont do it.

Ive been pretty depressed lately. Bae has been amazing and trying to help me through it.. but sometimes.. theres nothing even he can do to make me feel better.

My birthday came and went, its always hard for me the week of my birthday ever since my exhusband served me divorce and child custody papers on said birthday. Its been a couple years, and nothing bad has happened since then.. but it still haunts me.. like im waiting on the next shoe to drop or something.

I keep catching myself treating Bae really bad even when he doesnt do anything to deserve it. He is amazing to me, and does everything for me literally treating me like a Queen. He loves my children like his own and actually interacts with them.. what more could i ask for? But when i get into these depths.. i feel myself treating him unfairly based on what happened to me in my previous relationship. He handles it well, but i know hes just as tired of it as I am.

Still no further on getting my child support from my ex.. which really sucks. I ended up having to drop out of school. They offered for me to go back in a few months.. but theres no way im going to be able to afford it. Im already working double to try to make up for how behind on my bills its made me since i started the program. This saddens me, but im trying to think of it positively.. i wasnt really happy once i was in the program and saw how hospital employees are treated... and treat each other.

My current job is amazing and works with my schedule when possible and i am so thankful for the opportunity. But. It doesnt pay very well for the amount of time im away from my kids to do said work. (How does america expect a single parent to live on $9/hr without any kind of help?!) I cant even afford rent, let along car/phone/electricity/gas/ whatever else comes with renting. My credit isnt good enough to buy anything not to mention wouldnt be approved simply for how many cobwebs are in my bank account.

SO ive been looking for a second job, or a better paying job. I found a second job that pays better.. and offers health insurance! Ive been looking for months and finally got a call for an interview. It happened to be on my day off. How great is that?! So of course i went, theyre paying amazingly! I got there and along with 4 other people, they start showing us around. I thought that was weird.. ive had interviews with this company before and never was shown around the whole place.. but i just accepted it because ive never had an interview with this specific location. We go to the back and im ready for the interview! They start handing us company vests and work tools... im a little confused until they had out schedules. I got the job! Wait... this isnt an interview.. this is orientation! Oh snap! What am i suppose to tell my current job?! Luckily my current job hadnt put out the next weeks schedule yet so i was able to alert my manager as soon as i got out of the building.

Unfortunately, she was not happy. Granted, had it been up to me.. i would have much rathered given a heafty warning.. i dont like to leave any job on bad terms (and so far havent 🤞🏻) so i let my manager know im being trained for this second job for the next two weeks and i cant mess with those days but it doesnt effect my current job at all this week.. which is all i have a schedule for.. she doesnt think she should have to work around another jobs schedule when i worked here first.. i agree.. but.. in my shoes.. this other job is a better opportunity for -me-, for -my- bills for -my- family. So she told me she fixed it for the next two weeks but wasnt happy about it.

Sooooo.

Im now working the next 14 days straight and even at two jobs in the same day.. 🤦🏻‍♀️ im gonna hate myself for sure. But! My daughters birthday is next week and i need to buy her more than the only gift i currently have for her. And Christmas is right around the corner! I need to catch up my car payment and keep my phone bill current and not late... not to mention gymnastics/dance/and boyscouts that i dont want to take away from my kids because its not their fault im poor.

So luckily today hasnt been too awkward at my job but i did tell Bae that depending on how petty they decide to be over the next two weeks depends on if i keep 2 jobs or focus solely on the new one that pays so much better. So. We'll see. Id like to have both at least until Christmas so i can get some presents under my tree.

I guess thats as good of an update as i got currently. Whoopwhoop.

[yeah-just-ignore-me-thanks]

Wow, I love unlocking trauma I forgot:

- my mum constantly threatening to commit suicide and telling me that it would be my fault

- my parents telling me all about how we couldn't afford our bills (even though we most definitely could) and how this was all my fault for being so selfish for constantly asking for new things (I didnt ask, they got them without asking and got mad if I wasnt grateful)

- one time I tried to goad my mum into stabbing me with a kitchen knife because I wanted to die so badly but didnt know how to do it myself...because I was about 6 at the time

- my mum grabbing my thighs in the car on the way home from swimming practice because I didnt do good enough...gripping them tightly enough that they were constantly bruised, scratched and bleeding

- my mum getting mad because I sprained my ankle so badly I couldn't walk...then made me tell people I tore the ligament (and deluded herself into thinking that this was what happened)...then took away my crutches after 3 days even though I could still barely walk

- whilst I did have my crutches I also had to walk home (about a mile and going uphill at some points) even though my mum was at home and had a working car, purely because she couldn't be bothered with the 5 minute drive to school to pick me up

- telling my mum about a minor argument I had with a friend and her responding by systematically going through each point of the argument and telling me exactly how it each part was my fault until I cried...then got mad at me for crying...I was 8...I never went to her with a problem again

- me being the one who had to clean out the cages of my brothers Guinea pigs...guinea pigs who I didnt choose, name or get to play with, only clean out and feed

- when I took paracetamol for a headache I was accused of being addicted to drugs...I was 11 and could barely reach the medicine cabinet without a stool

- when I took my dogs out for a half hour walk every night I was accused of being, and was punished for, using those walks to smoke, drink and take drugs...I was a 14 year old straight A student who to this day has never taken drugs, smoked a cigarette and dislikes drinking

- when I was doing my first lot of exams my mum used to beat me in the kitchen when I didnt understand course content...to this day she still berates me for not 'trying hard enough' even though I only got a single B grade in all my exams in a subject I couldn't understand...she still takes full credit for this success though

- it was during this time that I began to self harm...I would gouge and scratch the back of my hand and my forearm and I still have scars

- when I found out I had a skin condition that meant I was literally allergic to water (after I had been getting out of swim training for months in tears because I was in so much pain) I was told that i had to suck it up and my mum (who was a coach) refused to let me leave sessions early even though I was in pain to the extent that I would be swimming and sobbing at the same time

- my mum getting drunk at a musical and loudly talling throughout the whole thing...she got mad when I tried to hush her and i ended up crying the whole way home

- I'm only allowed to tell my family one 'fact' a day, and I'm constantly mocked for knowing these weird facts that nobody cares about

- my parents having huge arguments that lasted for days and that my brother and I were forced to pick sides in...both parents telling us that the other was an abusive piece of shit with mental problems

- me telling my dad that I was scared to be left alone in the house with my mum...he told her this and I got beaten even worse the next day...I was 5 or 6

- not being allowed to close the door to my room until last year...and even then, only when I was getting changed

- not being allowed to stay upstairs or in my room for any extended period of time...I always had to be with my parents who constantly mocked and berated me

- being banned from books and television for weeks at a time and if I was found reading anything during that time then the book would be destroyed and thrown away...as someone who possibly has ADHD and autism being forced to sit completely still, not talking and not allowed to do anything was torture

- my parents making me think I lost my phone when in reality they just took it...they beat me and told me off for 'losing' my phone for 2 months before they finally gave it back

- almost developing an eating disorder when I was 13 and still a size 4 (in UK sizing which is a size 0 in the US) because my mum told me I was getting fat and I still have body dysmorphia because of this

- my mum getting mad at me and not speaking to me for days because I was at a family function (with my dads side of the family who dont like her) and didnt text her often enough because I was busy playing with my cousins

Theres so much more that I cant remember but holy shit I need so much therapy when I move out and can finally get it without worrying about my parents reaction.

[lochnessliv]

this is just a rant about finances and insurance and people pleasing feel free to keep scrolling

ok so i havent gotten work insurance straightened out but in the meantime i CANNOT afford to pay for the old insurance policy i had (literally 5x the price every month). so ive called to try to cancel my policy. and every time im either on hold for hours and eventually need to hang up and go to work, or else they say “our wait time is over an hour, do you want us to hold your spot in line and call you back?” and then they never call me back.

the thing is ive been wrestling with HR at work on one end and trying to get my old insurance to pick up the phone so i can cancel at the other end........and its been going on for over a month which i just realized because old insurance pulled their payment from my bank account and it over drafted because work has ALSO been paying me in weird increments on top of their not being enough money even if i DID have my paycheck all at once.

work is still doing that thing where they guilt me into helping out at the second location and it means that i work two or three days a week at the OG hotel and then two or three days a week at the second hotel. second hotel’s paychecks are on the opposite two week schedule. so the way its worked out is i get half a paycheck on friday and the other half the next friday. in the meantime i still have bills and payments coming out of that account. so its a constant game of weird catch-up and theres hardly anything left over to add to the next payment. i want to stop going to the second hotel very badly but its technically closer to my house and my manager keeps telling THEIR manager that its up to me and hes not making our schedule until i talk to her. so im out of professional excuses. i cant say the commute is too much longer or that OG hotel needs me because she knows both arent true and like. its a pandemic! what, do i have plans every weekday afternoon that somehow only affects scheduling when she needs shifts covered?

so basically i dont like the work im doing and its resulting in a terrible pay system that gives me too-small amounts of money on a wildly inconvenient schedule and its not enough to cover the insurance i was only still scrambling to pay because the full time job i took had an HR fuck up and is trying to deny me healthcare over it.

anyway i think im gonna dispute the transaction with my bank because they respond faster than the insurance company and hopefully “ive called dozens of times and when i say im trying to cancel my policy they will not answer the phone” will get the insurance to drop me and the bank to refund my money. but i cant dispute the transaction yet! because its still pending! because theres not money in the account to pay it! because IM BROKE. it drained the $100 left in my account that was supposed to be my gas and coffee money for like two days until the stimulus hit. anyway im fully waiting on this stimulus deposit to temporarily fix my life. hopefully tomorrow.

[societysonlooker]

Hey guys so heres some food for thought: I ho to college in 2020, work 20 hours a week and make minimum wage. I am in a scholars group at my school and as a result get a third of my tuition in scholarships. The rest of my tuition is paid by a state program for households who make below 125k a year.

In 1980 my mother went to the same school, worked 15 hours a week, and made less then minimum wage, as she was a waitress. She had no scholarships.

The difference? She could afford to pay for her education by herself, and with her remaining pay was able to pay for an apartment with her also minimum wage, part-time worker boyfriend, who was also paying for his own education. They were 18. In highschool, they bought their own cars with their own money.

Meanwhile,

I can barely pay my phone and car bill, and my housing at my college is on loan.

I will owe my school 60k, plus interest when I graduate in housing alone. If i choose to leave my state and work somewhere else before my 5 years out of college are up, i will owe my state 16k plus interest. I go to the cheapest university in my state, and my prospective salary out of college if I get my master's is 30k a year. Meanwhile, I will be at least 60k in debt. I'm lucky enough that my parents were willing to take a lot of the loans in their names, because at least my credit wont be screwed if I ever cant pay, I'll just have to pay them back.

Explain to me how this is ok.

My tuition is 6k a year, and my room and board 15 k a year. Additionally, the mandatory meal plan for on campus freshman is 1500 a semester. Right now, I'm paying for that with the local scholarships I won in my hometown. I applied to over 60 scholarships, writing them at lunch and between school ending and driver's ed. In the meantime. I'd been driving illegally for months to get to doctors appointments, go grocery shopping, and take care of my friends whose parents couldnt give less of a shit about them.

Last semester I went through burnout. I finally broke amd couldnt do more then just go to my classes. I was seriously depressed, and took it out on myself. If I could drag myself down to the dining halls it was a miracle. There were times I wanted to cook, but my dorm had an ant problem the school wouldnt fix, so we couldnt keep food in there. I lost 20 pounds in 3 weeks, then gained all of it back the next two weeks, and over the rest of the semester gained another 15 pounds. I wanted to kill myself for the first time in over a year. I was isolated, alone, and was both constantly freezing and in the dark, because my room had three outside walls, but only had one window, and our heating was broken, yet the school refused to fix it, saying there was nothing wrong with it (the METAL vents were literally freezing to the touch and my plants above them would have ice covering the dirt the mornings after I'd water them but o-fucking-k). And that was all great for my S.A.D. I couldnt even talk to my friend from highschool cause they're all in different time zones. Unsurprisingly, I failed 2 classes and got all C's in the rest, except, ironically, my calculus class, which I had failed in hs. In calc, I got a B.

And now, because my gpa is below a 2.8, I could lose my scholarship. And if that happened I'd have to drop out. And theres no way to get help for it. It doesnt matter than I experienced burnout. It doesnt matter I had a major depressive episode and could hardly function. It doesnt matter my school was refusing to help my living situation while extorting 2k a month for one bedroom with less then 100 sq feet, a shared bath and no kitchen. Or that alone I would spend MAYBE 400 dollars in groceries in the same 15 weeks my school made me pay 1500 dollars for. I promise you, I'm not eating a hundred dollars in food a day. Especially when Every. Single. Meal. Is pork with a shitty green doused in far too much oil and rice. (Dear gods please just serve a fucking burger or some chicken for fucks sake half your students are Muslim and Jewish and all you fucking serve is pork).

There is something wrong here, and its that we dont care about people. It's that my roomate cant come live on campus next year because her parents had to choose between her room and board or their mortgage. It's that my ex's mom had a legal battle with the school about why his classes he failed last semester need to be rendered incomplete instead of fails, because he had MULTIPLE STOMACH ULCERS, and COULD NOT get out of bed most days. It's that I went through legitimate medical struggles, and may not be able to return to college because of the financial crisis they may yet cause me if I dont get straight A's this semester.

Currently, living at home and taking my classes online, I am doing exponentially better than I was ever doing at school. EVEN THOUGH I also have to deal with my family, who in the past, has been incredibly abusive to me. My grades are improving due to the familiarity of home and my reduced anxiety about planning my day around getting to classes. Next semester, I wont be able to continue taking my classes online, because my school doesnt offer it.

My dorm has a system that you cannot host the same guest in your dorm overnight more than 6 times a semester, even someone who lives on campus. Even if you have an extra bed that you're paying for to keep empty. And if that's not the most poorly hidden attempt at stopping students from letting homeless students or friends live in what is basically the apartment they pay for, then idk what the fuck is.

Currently, my math professor gave us two options for the textbook: we can buy the $130, 70 page book the department wants us to buy, written by some department head and his friends, or we can use the free PDF of the textbook my professor --the man who writes the tests-- wrote.

And listen its 230 in the morning but like,

The college system is the most ableist, classist thing I've ever seen, and I fucking hate it. Fuck tuition, fuck room and board, fuck meal plans, fuck textbook schemes. Fuck everything.

[hobgobbin]

local trans lad cannot feasibly pay his rent

I’m so fucking tired of begging for money but this is such a ridiculous amount that I won’t be able to pay for on my own, and idk if I can (or want to) take out another loan to pay for it, and i literally wanna kill myself from everything thats happened in the past 2 days

I won’t be able to afford my rent for next month because:

I didn’t get shit for my last paycheck, and I won’t be getting much for my next one because I cant work for a whole week (spring break, my job literally isn’t open)

I went to a friend’s out of state for 2 days and it costed WAY more than expected

I lost my fucking keys and it costs an extra $135 that I don’t have to replace them, due on the same day as rent

With my rent, phone card, lost keys, and electricity bill I have to find a total of $740 by the 15th of April

 if I work normally I’ll only be able to make $480, which wont even pay for my NORMAL rent, and I can’t really pick up a lot of shifts because I have a HUGE class project and a ton of hw im gonna have to do and I need time to do them

I’ll try to draw for you if you donate but I also have a huge backlog of commissions and owed art and it’s already gonna take me all break to get those done, and I won’t have a ton of time afterwards, again bc of school projects and hw. As long as you don’t mind waiting for awhile I will draw stuff if you donate though

and again, I can only possibly achieve $480 out of $740 by the time all of this is due, and thats not even including money for food and other supplies

ko-fi: draemoryn

paypal . me: drakeperk

CHECK REBLOGS FOR ACTUAL LINKS

[kataracy]

My job just does not care that rent is like 400+ huh cool cool im about to go awf under this read more if yall dont mind

FREGIURGTTKJLKKSAKDSFKAFSLJL GOD FUCKING FUCK?WHAT IS THE DEAL FFFFFFF ok story time:

So I work at corner bakery cafe its a weird fusion fast casual place where i make $9/hr, less than what i’ve made from my  last jobs but incredibly close to where i live like deadass across the street. So I have a manager that I steadily don’t get along with, he’s a blowhard. He picks a person to be mad at for the day, he hovers, he treats the girls there like his personal punching bags and I noticed all of that and started to dislike him to the point where I just couldn’t work with him. 

I would go in on days where he would close, because i work the night shift (my job favors the day shift btw. They only care about having people work in the day shift the dont give a fuck about night crew is ridiculous how much the dont clean up after their shifts and we have to pick up behind these grown ass women) and i would noticeably make little o no effort to converse with him, I just went in, did my job and went home. 

He would write me up for not saying hi to him. He would constantly start telling the GM I was being insubordinate when i was literally doing everything good at my job except talking to his sensitive ass. So I complained to the GM. I begged him to not put me on any more shifts with this manager because i was Tired of getting written u for nothing and I was tired of not having fun at my job. I was getting anxiety attacks while working with this dude it was so bad because again, he HOVERS. HE STANDS IN THE FRONT WHEN THERE IS OTHER STUFF TO DO AND JUST FUCKING HOVERS LIKE CAN YOU GO FIND SOMETHING TO DO and my GM said ok its fine we know (BECAUSE THE DONT LIKE HIM EITHER WE LITERALLY WOULD TALK ABOUT HOW MUCH WE DID NOT LIKE THIS DUDE OK NONE OF THE MANAGERS LIKE HIM) we will try not to put you on the same shift, we’ll let Z (the scheduling manager) know and if u do have to be scheduled with him make sure you find a cover and we’ll tell him to leave you alone because we know you know how to do your job.

So. That was a fucking lie.

They keep scheduling him with me. I tell another manager I don’t like him and why and he says I get it I’ll let B (GM) know. 

So I keep getting scheduled with him. And how the hell am I supposed to know when because, the managers have an entirely different schedule thats just their shifts and its fucking private. They end up scheduling me with him again and again and I just don’t show up one day I let the night manager know hey im not coming in on these 2 days, i found someone for this day but not this one so i hope yall find someone.

And then the next day, im getting called by a coworker like hey where are you are you coming in and i say no. no im not. i gave the managers plenty of time ( a whole fucking day) to find someone else bc they know i dont like working with this man. i said im not coming in repeatedly. im not coming in. but the coworker keeps fucking picking at me and saying hey they dont have anyone can you please come and then i get so pissed off i say im on my way and when i get there the fucking manager says you can go home i found someone.

I get so pissed. Why did you keep calling me then?

I didn;t call you they called you.

and the coworker that kept calling me and making me feel guilty for not wanting to work with this man who makes me uncomfortable and pissed and anxious, is my boyfriend. My fucking boyfriend decided this job was more important than my feelings that day and it was beyond hurtful dude im tearing up just talking about it because god it hurt, it was like a dramatic ass betrayal (AND THAT JOB IS SO DRAMATIC BY THE WAY THEY WILL GET SO FUCKING UNCOORDINATED OVER A SMALL RUSH ITS THE STUPIDEST SHIT)

So I go back there and im so angry now. Why have you been blowing up my phone to tell me to come in and being so dramatic. There arent even any customers in here. Why did you keep calling me asking me to come in when they already found somebody.

They just found somebody.

So you could call me and even come back home to fucking say they asked you to come get me> But you cant find the time to pick up the phone again and send a quick nvm?

The next day im scheduled. Another write up from the manager who loves writing me up. because he couldn’t be a fucking manager and just find a replacement no, he had to call and tattle-tell on me to the GM for nothing. I get called in to office by the scheduling manager.

So GM asked me to have you read this, its a warning. I heard you have problems with B and I din’t know that.

I find out they never fucking told the scheduling manager. they lied to me to just keep me coming in.

And... listen. look. I get that everyone in that place must have a complaint. I get that the managers must hear complaints all the time but. just because they do, does not mean my complaint matters less. Im a young woman who is uncomfortable working with an older male manager, how about yall give a shit about that at least. This job didnt care about me the entire time and that hurts even fucking more.

So now, im only getting two days. Because instead of the other managers just stepping up and working the easy night shift, instead of being accommodating and considerate, they decide to just shit on my feelings like this. 

The last time I went in. the manager is fucking talking to me because thats what fucking happens. The more you work with someone like that, the more they get use to you not liking them and being uncomfortable with them and they decide they dont fucking care, that they dont have o be accountable. that they can just keep messing with you. My last shift was so anxiety riddled I had to excuse myself 5 times (I counted the tissues) to go fucking cry because of how awful it felt to just, be surrounded by so many people who have the power to do something and yet, decide they just dont feel like it. 

He keeps his shifts and i have to deal with having 2.

He works on salary, I have  9 dollars an hour.

my bf and i had to move out of our 1 bedroom that we share with his dad because we needed the space and rent is an extra $100. I broke my glasses last month and cant afford to get replacements so i have been straining my eyes faily. I have to pay a full internet bill from my account and my bf gives me half of that. the dog wont stop fucking barking and giving the cat fleas. My mother and I dont speak, we have no relationship. I dont want to ask my aunts for money any more than i already do, i have no family out here, i only have like 3 friends that are close enough to visit and even then, i dont have a car and “close” equals driving distance and... i’m just

I am so exhausted haha. its been such a long few months. The ups and downs are there but, the downs have been so much more amplified lately its hard to see a silver lining so i just, idk, I dont know. I do not know.

I got our new schedule today. Only two days. This ko-fi stuff and this commission stuff guys its what i have right now. Its what i need to work because nothing else is. lol im not a begging person, im not like... this. Im not so open but, i could really use any help right now, please. Just share the links, if u dont see something u like maybe someone else will, and that hope is the only thing i can look forward to right now. thanks for reading this far if u did. thanks for listening to me yell about avatar for all these years thanks for following me and giving me notes and making me laugh and making me smile and im burned out after all of this so, take care guys.

[overtaken-undertaker]

800$ a month for my car. An extra 150 for my phone. Gna have to pull 500 out of my ass later because someone ripped off my car’s grill. Gna have to pull another large sum out of my ass when i get the dentist bills. I cant even afford to be alive. I work hard. I work really fucken hard. I come home with cut up hands and bruised shins most nights from working my fucken ass off for 8-12 hours. I get fucken tips. Why the fuck. Am i working so fucking hard. If theres literally no fucken point? Were all gna work ourselves to death before we even get to see our first house that we bought w our own 2 hands. The pregnant woman that hasnt gone on pregnancy leave bc they arent gna pay her enough while shes gone if she does. The old woman that had to go back to work after finally retiring bc her retirement wasnt enough to cover the lung cancer. Homeless veterans that literally fought with their sweat blood and tears sitting on corners of streets in the winter shivering like crazy bc all their clothes have holes and they cant afford a place to sleep for the night. “The govt has programs that can help you.” IF you qualify. Most people who try to apply for those extra benefits get denied bc they make 3$ over the limit. Like. Oh yea. 3$ is gna buy me, my husband, and my 3 kids groceries for the next month. I should not have to get an extra job to pay for a phone bill and food to eat. Fuck the system. Fuck the american dream. And fuck our freedom.

[flyingcookierambles]

rant ig

in recent news last week on wednesday my idiot sister and her borderline anti-vax boyfriend got covid and now my mom is getting sick and we’re worried that it’s covid instead of a normal seasonal cold or mild allergy and im just hgioehgaoieh i hate it here no matter what i do to keep myself safe the issue is coming from within the house in my case my sister and her boyfriend stayed had dinner and stayed overnight 2 fridays ago ughghghgh i hate this i hate her literal deadly trash taste in men ghroeahgorehgreog i have asthema my mom has diabetes the idiot trash taste sister also has asthema and a lot of people in my family are 50-60+ year old boomers with various health issues from hard manual labor all their lives as blue collar workers plus my 84 year old grandma ghrueagihreuoghreaoghreio gheriogheovhdfovhav hgorehgaoeh agho plus we’ve started inviting my maternal grandma and her sister to our family parties and they’re like 70-ish or so and my grandma’s sister is only here now bc her husband literally died of covid bc some idiot step-uncle that i’ve never met apparently went to thanksgiving last year without being vaccinated and gave the entire family covid and killed his uncle im just hr igohreaoihraeioghaeoighraioheog ifoahgoheg i hate it here we’ve kicked my sister out to be with her boyfriend bc of the sickness but they were still here in my house i hate it i hate it so much plus the idiot borderline anti-vaxxer boyfriend is a carpenter and he insists on going to work going into people’s homes and businesses while getting angry at the mere suggestion of wearing a mask or doing an at home test and then whenever my sister talks on the phone with my mom she said that her boyfriend said that “she really ought to go back to work even though she’s sick” (puzzlingly her employers also agree despite it being a private nanny job for rich people on the rich side of town watching literally babies (2 kids under 4 years old, idk if they’re even old enough for a ovid shot) plus the employer’s mom died of covid just a few months ago wtf???) and that “my boyfriend’s coworkers all agree that we’re just overreacting about covid “and im just like yeah duh they’re all also constuction workers/carpenters probably who believe in some weird libteratiarn toxic masculinity where other peoples’ lives dont matter to them and grejaigerioaehoe hrgoaho ghreoag seriously im so sick and tired of thes i wish all stupid anti-vaccers a very get polio measles tuberculosis and die if you want to so so so badly bc youre a fragile little snowflake who either thinks that your “special macho dna will out-manliness literal bacteria” or “bill gates is putting microchips in our bodies for the (insert some most likely anti-semitic conspiracy theory about robot lizard alien overlords living in the sewers of atlantis)” and leave the rest of us reasonable folk who listen to science and doctors alone

in other news if i somehow get covid at least my steam deck came in + im literally working my temp office job + my retail job, so i can have an excuse for a break from my 7 days a week, 45-50 hours work that allowed me to afford a steam deck in the first place + we have an excuse to not go to the cousin that we don’t like’s wedding next weekend in ohio so gihiroeahgeorihgoe eh :/

im so tired

when the idiots stayed over it was in my sisters’ childhood room that shares a cold air vent with my mom’s room next door

ughghghghghghghg if we don’t get it at this point its a miracle

like 3/4 of all covid scares that happened to my family so far have been from my sister’s dumb libertarian anti-vaxxer/anti-covid boyfriends im just like kick her out of the house go away i cant take it anymore

if i have to call off work i want my sister to pay for my doctor’s appointment to get my inhaler prescription, my inhaler, and all the days i have to call off work, i would never get this normally, ive literally worn a mask all this time since like 2020 march when going to work even now i am the only one both my work places that consistently wears one and with this scare im eating outside in the cold windy autumn at the picnic tables for the smokers bc i dont want to be *that guy* who infects the entire office

ughghghghghgh i hate it here

[imyourtrigger]

Tonight I might kill myself

It all started when I was a little girl and no matter what my mother says, I feel that my childhood has been taken away from me at a very young age.

My father was a drug addict and a theif. At age 6 six or maybe even before, my parents had a huge fight, there was broken glass everywhere, screams and curses. One by one my parents broke plate by plate, glass by glass, until there was nothing left. I was so young, that all I can do is to try to call my grandmother on our big and yellow 90s phone. When my father saw that, he came, took it away from me and threw it to the wall. Yellow plastic was everywhere and I felt that I am going to be the next one to meet the wall.

My father was a great father first years of my life. He was always thoughtful, loving and caring. I felt that I get more love from him, than from the woman who gave birth to me. I don’t think she is bad and never thought, her life was a mess, her parents was strict, her father was violent, she had me by accident and her husband was an abusive drug addict.

But this day I will remember for my whole life, the day that my father became violent towards me. And that day, that day when he left the house, the last thing I wanted is to stand in front of him begging not to leave, as I used to do every other fight they had. So for the first time he left the house because I didn’t stopped him.

Time went by, and minute by minute, second by second my life became hell. Of course, there is people that in way worse condition than me, people that live through hell every day and it is so selfish to say that my life is bad, but I believe that everyone have their own kind of hell.

One day, I think I was about 7-8 years old, I sat at my grandparents house, doing my homework with my cousin. I heard that my mom came home, and when I saw her my mind went all crazy. She told me that we are moving to my grandparents. No explanation, no saying goodbye to my friends, to my room, to my house... At first I was so happy, who’s not happy to live with their loving grandparents every single day? Sadly no one told me that there is a huge difference between living with them to visiting them on Sundays.

I am 23 now, and trully, all I wish is a second to get to that place where I grew in. To walk on the street where my parents used to walk with me. To look at the playground where my father with few others builded a swings for us (it was pretty poor neighborhood so at our playground we used to have only rocks and sand). All I want is to go there and breath in what have left of my childhood.

So, me, my mother and my little brother mooved to my grandparents house. At first they where all welcoming and loving, but then it all faded away. My grandfather was and alcoholic, so that was new to me. I did not had a room and slept with my grandma, but I was little and didnt really care about that. And then my mother had to find a job.

So while my father was a part time in jail and when not, came to see us once in never and did not paid his alimony... My mother was working her ass off at some job where she had to be out of the house for a month, every second month.

So when she was away, I had to be a responsible big sister and to take care of my little brother. I did all I had to and all I did not wanted to. If I had to go out and look after my brother playing in the sand instead of ... I don’t know, doing my homework, watching a tv, playing with my friends or whatever I did that. Dishes? Done that everyday. Clean the house? Been there, done that every day. Now it might look like something minor, but I was only like 8 years old.

Oh did I forgot to tell that my cousin was prefered by everyone including my mother? Well that how it was since I was born. You cant unsee things sometimes, especially when your grand grand mother taking her in another room, giving her the whole damn toys r us, and you sitting there and coloring the damn colorbook your mother drew for you cuz you didnt had any money. Oh and that cutted postcard puzzles was fun tho

Oh and my mom used to beat the shit out of me every other day when my brother and my big cousin was the fckn angeles just because they breathe.

At age 11 we moved to another country. The one thing I asked is to go to our old place and say goodbye to.. um it, and the memories I had. And guess what? It did not happened. Not because we had no time or anything, we had plenty, we even made a video of us going through the town to our favorite places, you know to remember our country... But not mine, even if it was on the way.

So gladly (at least that what I thought), my mom, me and my brother moved to a whole new country, where my hell just expanded.

When we moved here, we had to leave with my grandma’s sister and her husband for a month. They werent happy, so they made us unhappy too. They had two sons, my uncles, one of them lived in the same town. Lets call him Sam.

Uncle Sam reminded me of my father. Same looks, same mind, but I felt that he wasnt gonna leave me. Just as a little girl I wanted to have a man figure in my life, that could protect me if needed.

So uncle Sam had a son, my cousin, who was a big, hugeeeee shit. He used to be the only child, so probably he felt that me and my brother taking it away, his mother was a shit too, lets call her Midge.

So Midge told uncle Sam to stay away from us. But he didnt needed to, we felt unwanted enough. We moved to a one room apartment and stayed away from them.

Life didnt became easier, because little children are super cruel. I started 5th grade and my little brother was at 1st. We both were bullied. The names they called us, the things they did to us, girls that I thought was my friends made my their maid. Literally. They were coming to my house, made me feed them the food my mom was counting, because we had no money, made me do everything they wanted, and then used to lock me in the shower and didnt let me out untill I screamed because the water was hot that it left it marks on my body. When they was leaving I had to clean the house, sometimes I had no time before my mother was back home, so she was hurting me in all the way she could.

I still have scars, not all of them are physical. When she saw that half of the food were gone, the screams became fists and my tears became blood. Sometimes I felt numb and sometimes I felt that I am loosing my will to live.

For how long I remember myself, I was always trying to please the people around me. They could be friends, family or people at work, it always felt like a second job, where my mind had to work extra hours.

Maybe that was because I was afraid to be beaten, maybe that was because I was afraid that they will leave me, just like my father did.

At my birthday I called my father. His stepmother answered and told me that he is not interested and that I should leave them alone. This number didnt worked afterwards. And a few years later we talked over a social media where he told some not so nice stuff and ended it with “I’ll have better children than you”.

So back to junior school where everyone was a peasant. My brother was trying to stay close to me, and everyone was laughing at us, so I decided that instead of trying to get my shit together I have to help him. Every brake I was taking him to the playground, him and a bunch of other lonely kids, those who was bullied, those who had no friends... I am pretty sure that half of the games were invented by me. So for two years I kept this children busy, so they all became friends and werent ao lonely anymore.

I still tried to do my best at the school, where I had to learn new language and to deal with bullies and at home, to please my mother, who was coming everyday back from work, and beating me no matter what. I get that it was big on her. New country, new language, new people... It was scary and she felt also lonely, but I was not supposed to be anyones punching bag. I did not deserved it.

So that how my school years went... All same pattern, sometimes better, sometimes worse. So many heartbreaks, always toxic friendships. I started to work at a very young age, tried to give almost all of the money to my mother, but it still wasnt enough.

I was cutting myself for so long... The cuts became deeper and the will to live started to fade away. But still I had no guts to kill myself. Every fight I knew, that the next will be worse and maybe the next will become the last. Maybe today was the last.

A few years ago my mother stopped beating me, maybe thats because Im taller, because I grew up and she is afraid I can slap her back?

My brother became the most annoying thing on earth. Through junior high, I was still with him on my brakes, trying to make his life easier, every time anyone had a bad word to say I was there to protect him. Karate? Paid for it. Swimming lessons? Paid for it. New toys? New computer games? Gadget? A new phone? Done it all.

Even while I was at the army, getting the shittier salary you could imagine, working my ass off at two jobs, giving my mother some money, paying for his shit and his super expensive swimming lessons, trying to give him everything we couldn’t afford for me,

Somehow, I am still a bad daughter and a bad sister.

I just getting really tired of that “You blame everyone, when you should look in the mirror” shit.

I took them abroad two times. Paid for everything. And I mean everything. Every shit they wanted, and oh no, they had no shame in wanting the most expensive things on earth, like Im a fucking millionaire. And now when I broke and still manage to pay the bills at home and still take them abroad, but ask my brother to pay with me cuz he has a job and a decent salary I AM THE FUCKING BAD PERSON

LIKE HOW COULD I THINK THAT A PERSON I GAVE ALL MY LOVE TO, A PERSON I AM EVERY DAY LOOKING OUT FOR WHILE HE DOESNT EVEN KNOW THAT BECAUSE I DONT LOOK FOR A CREDIT A PERSON THAT STARTED TO WORK AT AGE OF 18 FOR FUN WHILE I AM WORKING FROM 12 TO PAY FOR HIM HOW COULD I THE WORSE PERSON ON THE WHOLE PLANET TO ASK HIM TO PAY FOR HIMSELF

Wow

Oh, uncle Sam died and that was devastating

The saddest thing is he died because he was lonely and his heart was broken

His parents, they moved to another country to his brother, his brother didnt wanted him, his wife left him and he was all alone

I wish, I wish he could inly knew how deeply I cared for him, how I wanted us to be closer, how good he was... It truly broke my heart in a million pieces.

His mother (my grandmas sister) came back here and passed away also. And her husband couldnt leave back because of the loan he had here

He went to live at Midges house then she kicked him and guess what? Hes sleeping in my mother’s bed

AND SOMEHOW I AM THE BAD PERSON AGAIN

HOW CAN I BE MAD AT A PERSON WHO MADE MY FAMILYS LIFE A LIVING HELL BUT AS WE SWITCH ROLES I HAVE TO BE I BIGGER PERSON AND ACCEPT HIS HOMELESS ASS HERE

I am very loving and caring person. But nobody has done that for me. He would never help me, and I know that for sure. He was screaming at me, he was trying to beat my little brother and now I have to accept that he is, an alcoholic, abusive person sleeping in my mothers bed, and she has to sleep with me? (Thats not the problem ofcourse, I love my mom no matter what)

And when he finally leaves, even tho I tried to be nice, and prepared him food and showed him how to use the tv and shit, my mom tells me that I am a bad person? Sorry that my life teached me that people will use your good heart against you.

I finally felt like I am mentally stable, that I am me, the good me. Not the depressed cutting wanting to die me. Finally had my shit together and felt so happy about it. I had my skin care routine after work, had my half hour to write in the diary and my 1 episode per night before bed routine that made me so fucking happy and glowing, and then the person that made me only bad comes and ruins it all and I have to accept that?

I finally made it, made it to the top of me where all I wanted is to live, where all I was is happy, and instead of understanding that, or at least carring about your daughter’s mental health and I dont know, even speaking with me about that, you just throw this shit at my face.

“You need to be tested”

“You are crazy”

“I wish I didnt had you”

Instead of

“Are you okay, do you want to talk about that?”

“Do you want to see a professional? I will support you”

“I dont know what I would do without you”

It just hurts that when you try to talk about maybe having a problem or when you try to speak your mind, or when you talk about your feelings to the person you care about the most... You got to be called a drama, you didnt get to even finish the sentencse... Somehow the problem is always in me and my feelings.

It hurts when your brother doesn’t care as you did and do about him.

It hurts that things that are important for you doesnt counted as important at all.

It hurts that your feelings not important.

You are not important.

That your sacrifices aren’t sacrifices.

And if you try to talk about yourself, you are selfish.

People say that no matter what’s happening, your family, your home, is the place that you can be you in it. A place where you are not judged.

Well, my family doesn’t count.

So maybe its better not to be counted at all.

[gayswampqueen]

And on top of all the countrywide bullshit, on the home front I'm literally done with everything too!!!! FUCK I HATE MY ROOMMATES. Putting under a readmore because this will be painfully long

Our roommate spent the first three months that I knew her talking about how much a literal piece of shit actual abuser her husband was, how he has no respect for any of her boundaries and seems totally intent of keeping them in a bad situation so she can never leave him. 3 months of that shit while we worked on getting a new place.

OBVIOUSLY Tony and I don't want to become close to this guy because he treats his wife like shit (and we've witnessed it at least a couple times) and she claims she wants to become independent of him and get a job and learn to drive and whatever. She also says he controls all the money and she has no access to it, and he's not been saving anything the last few months. She's worried about getting stuck at this shitty apartment for another year (its not serviceable for literally any internet or tv services, it's p dumpy but Tony and I needed a place fast so it worked for what we needed) and the conversation comes up that instead of Tony and me paying rent, we can just save the money up for a new place for all 3 of us.

I’m not stupid. I know she's deliberately setting things up in a way where all the responsibility to save and earn the money falls on me and Tony, but if things work out she can take credit and hold it over us. But I agree because I don't want to get stuck at his place paying $500 a month and living off cell phone data for an indeterminate amount of time. I also notice that she talks shit on her husband all day to us, and when we say "wow that's pretty awful" she reports back to him that we can't stand him. Then proudly tells us about it. She's literally manufacturing fucking tension in the household, although due to her proud openness about it I can't be certain she's doing it on purpose or if she thinks she's facilitating some kind of communication?

When we move she doesn't want to leave her husband homeless, but both of them are saying he has plans to move out ASAP because "their relationship is better when they live apart." The second we put his name on the lease (bc Im not risking eviction by having him live here illegally) she becomes a lot less intent on the idea, and while she still talks about it its turning more into a hypothetical than a real plan or goal. Just like her learning to drive. Or getting a job. Or cutting toxic people out of her life. And of course she starts getting pissy and taking credit for being able to afford the place when Tony and I talk about it.

So it becomes really apparent she doesn't really follow through on anything she says AND she has a tendency to set up manipulative, no-lose situations for herself. She also can't work because she cant sit for long periods (except for when playing video games, binge watching tv shows, and her previous jobs where she sat for long periods) and she has a totally real disorder where she could pass out at any time which makes any job where she has to stand or walk around a safety hazard (no name for it that she can give, and no examples of it happening since I've known her even when she walks around a fair for 12 hours in high heels, but totally a disorder.) She blames it on spoon theory and postpartum depression, which we accept for about the first four months that she talks about it. She can't go to the doctor because money is tight but every time her husband has a toothache they go and get him medicine.

She spends four months talking about how she's suicidally depressed and doesn't have the energy to do ANYTHING (except for go to ren fairs, visit her family, go shopping, visit friends, host a thanksgiving party, and go out for drinks or hookah literally any time someone offers to pay for her) and has yet to see any kind of doctor, despite qualifying for emergency medicaid due to her and her Husband's lack of income. Oh, have I mentioned that her Husband can't hold down a job on top of everything else? But even though she hasn't worked for almost a year she still expects him to cook for her, clean for her, support the two of them and drive her around everywhere because she never learned because SPOON THEORY even though, AGAIN, SHE QUALIFIES FOR EMERGENCY MEDICAID.

So they start to notice that we're not exactly thrilled with the fact that even though 50% of the time neither of them are working, they cant do basic shit like clean up their dishes. They keep scrabbling to hide behind spoon theory (even though he doesn’t suffer from depression??) and we then offer a workaround in the from of a 2 day rule for messes which they then immediately start abusing. Then they just start leaving all the time - they're visiting x family member or y family member or x friends. They talk nonchalantly about claiming her sister's 4 kids on their taxes and splitting it with her. Why can't the sister claim them herself? Why because she does't work, of course, so she can't claim them! And "if her boyfriend (who financially supports both her and the children, mind you) claims them, he keeps all the money to himself!"

I think this is outrageous because I'm 99.99% sure that's literally illegal, but I'm hoping if I allow them to get their 7k without reporting them maybe they'll actually be able to pay their fucking rent.

Once it is confirmed that the sister is A-OK with the tax fraud, suddenly they start talking about how, because finding jobs has been soooooo hard (they have not been trying and have not been home) that they just want to wait until they get the tax return back and get their own place. They need to be around "people who make them feel like famiy" ie "enablers who want a free babysitter." And they also want to go on a tour of America vacation. Because obviously.

As they talk about this plan, I patiently wait for the part where they offer to pay us x amount of money to break the lease. They never bring it up.  As the plans are still in a very fetal stage, and she's shown no initiative to follow through on 90% of her plans since I've known her, I don't press it

They're never available and keep leaving messes before leaving for weeks at a time. Then when visiting family in Oklahoma we find out a) the never paid the electrical bill they said they did and b) suddenly by the grace of god, a job opportunity opened up somewhere else! several states away! Before their tax return shows up! When they claimed to not be looking anymore!

Obviously this look pretty bad on their part, and I finally call her out on the fact that they have been loudly making plans to try and move out early without even trying to address the elephant in the room of breaking the lease with us. She says that OF COURSE they never intended to leave us in a bad situation. And also OF COURSE they want to move out, seeing as how all Tony and I talked about the first few months was how much we wanted her husband to move out.

At this point I back the hell out of this conversation because I'm about to throw my fucking phone at the wall and throw all their shit out the window of the apartment complex. She sat there and tried to gaslight my ass??? Like no, actually YOU wouldn't shut up about what an actual piece of shit dirtbag he was, and all we did was say "we will help you leave his ass because he sounds awful." And then, when we were almost a full month into our new lease after you swore up and down he would move out ASAP, we started asking what the timeline was. 

HOW FUCKING DARE she act like him moving out was our idea that we were pressuring onto her, his poor faithful wife!!!! Just like when she spent 3 months talking about "thank you guys so much for saving up the money for the move, he would have spent it all on bullshit!" to suddenly switch to "um, that's not YOUR money you dropped on this move, it's EVERYONE'S money because we really could have used it but we LET you save it up instead" the second the lease was fucking signed!!!

JFC At this point i'm like fuck it take your damn tax return and move out we don't need your money for rent bc OBVIOUSLY you aren't paying it for February since Husband JUST got a job offer yesterday (interesting how every time he's actually TRIED to get one he's found one within a few days) and doesn't start till next week.

[angel78]

another failed attempt at seeing a new therapist

its literally pointless to try anymore. its honestly not even about “getting better” anymore its about the fact that i just want to be figured the fuck out already. i want to get it all out i want to understand i want to know what happened to me and what the hell is wrong with me... but i guess i’ve always done that myself anywhere. 

i have learned everything i have come to understand about myself in writing and art, mainly my own because that is where i am sorting myself out, but of course with others’ work as well. 

i was never allowed to see a therapist growing up, my parents didnt believe in mental illness and thought i was just crazy or dramatic or whatever else ive said it here before plenty of times. once i left renfrew i tried one or two but one i couldnt afford and the other made me uncomfortable. i had one therapist in wvu that didn’t help or understand at all and just made me feel like i was psycho and straight up would ask me if i paid before i sat down ???? when i finally came back to jersey, i tried to see another therapist in february and she turned me down entirely and said she could not help me or see me because i needed higher care and she couldnt be responsible for that. then finally i began seeing a therapist at my school who saw me for a few months who i thought i might finally be able to get something out of, maybe, but she told me she had to stop seeing me because i was too sick too and needed a higher care and i told her i refused to go to anything inpatient so she straight up said she cant help me anymore but we could have an appointment to find a good program for me and i never went because fuck you for that. right when things started peaking again she just didn’t want to help me anymore. i understand the “ethics” behind seeing someone who you deem “too unwell” to only be attending an hour long therapy session once a week but for gods sake she knew all of the reasons i couldnt do that and some of them were kind of bullshit in her opinion like me refusing to put school on hold again but some of them were fucking valid like money and not having a car at the time to even do an outpatient if i tried and my parents and just everything. 

then finally a few weeks ago i started seeing a new therapist, literally like the day after finding out my boyfriend has fucking cancer, and i saw her three times, spent the first two times having an insurance/money battle in the beginning, and the second time waited for her for 7 minutes after my appt was supposed to start and she still cut me off right after the allotted time was up technically not giving me the appropriate 45 full minutes ???? but not only that she called me by the wrong name ???? only says elementary shit like “so how are depression and anxiety” and just nods and doesnt offer any feedback when i talk. she didnt try at all to get to know my circumstances like i always had to fish for things to talk about because she couldnt even start asking me questions of her own since the first session which like how is that supposed to help me i came here because I NEED HELP and then even though the insurance sent me a document with this therapists specializations and eating disorders WERE LISTED AS ONE OF THEM she says that she doesnt know much about eating disorders and isnt trained in them so she doesnt know how to really help and she then went on to tell me she thinks i just need a higher care and that we could have our last session (the following week from last thursday which would have been tomorrow) so we can find a program together that i should start ???? yeah nice way to say see you never and take another $50 from me when you cant even rememebr my FUCKING NAME WHEN ITS SITTING ON YOUR COMPUTER SCREEN IN FRONT OF YOU AND YOU LITERALLY LISTED EATING DISORDERS IN YOUR SPECIALIZATIONS WHEN YOU APPARENTLY KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THEM ACCORDING TO YOU sorry im livid but anyway now im back to no therapist and that makes a consecutive three suggesting i needed a higher care but i guess at least this one was just a complete idiot and didnt say she refused to help me anymore 

so i just wanted to post a rant update about that and i guess from here i will just continue

i started class and my last week of training for my new serving job yesterday, i had class at 8:00 after not sleeping all night and have three more classes and then training again, i look cute today but no one lked my selfies on twitter so that was very nice also, im speeding frivolously, and ,,,,

my mom and i got into two big dumb fights over the last week over something so stupid but as always she had to go on and curse me off and tell me she doesnt want me in “her house” which is really funny because how can you call it your house when you 1) dont even have a job therefore do not pay bills 2) my dad, as much as he hurts me, just had to get a second job again to support my family when my mom doesnt even have one and doesnt even love my dad anymore but she’ll reap the benefits of having a man willing to do that for her 3) she literally left us like two months ago to live with her friend then decides to come back because “it was hard driving back and forth and i couldnt see the kids everyday” which honestly, to me, translates to it was too hard coming here every day just to bake cakes 4) she told me whenever she does get money (somehow???) she has full intentions of moving out and getting her own place so even if she did have money i guess making this number 5) she would be PUTTING IT TO GETTING HER OWN PLACE AND NOT THE HOUSE ANYWAY SO I REST MY CASE DOESNT LOOK LKE YOUR HOUSE TO ME BITCH and i left sunday night and went to be with vincent and i get to sleep with him all week and then yesterday my mom tried to send me a meme so i would respond and laugh and we could pretend nothing happened but im tired of doing that im tired of acting like just because im their child i dont deserve an apology like fuck if i dont even deserve help on my medical bills ???? i think i at the very least deserve an apology every now and again ???? especially since they are a signficant part of the reason I AM THIS WAY and then yesterday my dad texted me asking where ive been and i told him what happened and actually tried to have a mature conversation and tell him how i felt like an adult and why i dont think my mom acted fairly and he literally left me on read so thats how my family life is going

otherwise eating is impossible unless its in capsule form and and im overly paranoid and i cant drive without imagining a parallel universe every car that comes into my vicinity somehow crashes into me and not even in the suicidal way literally in the twitching at the sight of an approaching vehicle and shaking my head and closing my eyes while driving because all i can see are these traumatizing visions of things that have never happened to me and im really depressed and i have no friends 

and i really sound like a whiney bitch right now but i havent posted much about whats going on in my life lately and clearly !!!! i dont have a therapist to tell !!!!

i keep wanting to write and have fragments of words but it doesnt feel right yet and i know that

i have no money and my phone and car bills are due next week and i wont be making any money until next week MAYBE

literally the only good thing right now is that vincent is doing pretty well, its really hard to see him this way a lot of the time but its getting easier because im getting used to seeing him bald or how little he eats or helping him when he’s sick, as far as we know the chemo seems to be doing what its supposed to do, he is doing well, i hope it stays that way because he’s literally everything to me and the only thing that makes me want to be on this earth