#and i am so lost and losing sight of myself and my passions and what i want from my life

[oleafia-art]

ik i don’t post about my life on here ever but i need to talk to someone. so. i’ve finally given up on finding art jobs for the moment and am applying to be an asssistant at my local library. it’s a weird feeling bc i’m excited about the thought of working there. i love books! and i love quiet! and i love feeling helpful! but then there is the immense guilt that im wasting my art degree by taking a moment to step away from that shitstorm of a job market because if i’m working at a library instead of finding freelance work or an entry level design position, im gonna be behind everyone else for the rest of my life. and then ive failed and disappointed everyone who ever believed in me. and then what do i do. but idk. i really don’t know what i want to do with my art, i have no real goals other than make a comic series eventually ? which isn’t tangible or realistic if i don’t have a way to make money while im in the process of writing. so that sucks. idk what to do. i just can’t keep applying to random shitty art job after random shitty art job not caring what i get hired for and being rejected and feeling worthless every time. it’s just so. disheartening, and i’m tried

[bless-my-demons]

Redamancy: Chapter Four

Jasper Hale x Reader

Series summary: What happens when your soulmate is a vampire that struggles to maintain a diet of trying not to kill you? Common sense says run for the hills, nothing is worth your life - but my heart is whispering why not, what’s there to lose?

Warnings: Almost-car accident? Talk of getting smushed by a car.

Notes: Finally, a little something-something! I’m trying to post on the weekends to have some sort of schedule, but I have zero impulse control… so here it is a day early!

Word Count: 2146

Series Masterlist

• January 25th, 2005 • Forks High School •

Jasper

Not only am I lucky enough to spend lunch with Y/n, but some godly force must be watching out for me in that today’s history assignment allowed me to team up with her and learn more about her.

Her energy is absolutely fascinating and it almost worries me that I’m internally compelled to want to spend even more time in her presence. Two days and I’m already a goner, Emmett is going to have a field day interrogating me tonight.

Which leads me to now, after completing our history assignment with only a few minutes to spare, I’m escorting her to her car in an effort to prolong this addiction to her attention.

“Where are you from?” I ask, curious to know anything about her.

“Texas. Well, Dallas more specifically.” She’s still watching the ground as we walk, nervousness pouring from her.

“Why Forks? You couldn’t of picked a more completely opposite environment.” I miss my home state, and if it weren’t for my adversion to the sun - I would return.

“My parents divorced.” She continues before I could apologize for the intrusive question, “Happily divorced and I protested the whole ‘stay together until she graduates’ bullshit.” Fingers gesturing around the air quotations.

She trails off after that, circling back to our history assignment that no doubt has her still worked up. The Civil War, I cringe internally at today's topic since it’s a sore one for myself - having lived through it and fought in it.

“All I’m saying is, maybe history class should be more focused on the lessons learned, than just the events themselves.” She states rather passionately while inserting the key into the lock on the driver’s door of her car.

“To recognize and avoid in the future.” I respond, leaning my back against the rear of the small vehicle as I scan the wet parking lot packed with kids.

“Exactly!” She pops her head up, an excited smile in place as she garners my gaze again.

But just over her shoulder my eyes flick up to catch the sight of a blue van headed our direction a little too quickly for such a busy spot. A car horn blaring has her turning in its direction and the gasp I hear across the parking lot from Alice sends me into action. I grab Y/n by the waist and spin her against her car, so that my back might take the brunt of the hit, but it never comes as the rear of the van just barely slides past us. I relax the grip I have on her and tear my eyes from hers as I spin my head in the direction of the vehicle, ready to yell at the driver for being so reckless. The words die in my throat as I see where it’s headed - straight for Isabella Swan.

“Bella!” Y/n screams, but it’s lost in the screech of tires and the headphones in her ears that are keeping the outside world out.

Just as I’m about to damn us all to save another girl from this idiot driver, Edward flashes past to stop the van from crushing the Sheriff’s daughter.

“Fuck.” I whisper, glancing back to where my other adopted siblings are standing next to their own vehicles - faces unreadable, but emotions blaring alarm.

“I’m sorry, I have to go. Please be safe getting home?” I ask her urgently as I peel my fingers from where they want to stay gripping her, safe and close to me.

“But Jas-“ she starts, a little shell shocked at my quick action of saving her and the close call with her friend.

A whistle from Emmett interrupts her before she can interrogate me, so I flash her an apologetic smile before jogging at a normal human pace to the familiar silver Jeep. My hands flex in my lap the entire tense ride home, warm and tingly from when I gripped Y/n to protect her fragile little human body.

If we weren’t vampires already, this family meeting about to take place would definitely give Carlisle a full head of gray hair.

• January 26th, 2005 • Forks High School •

Reader

“Hey, mind catching me up on what that was yesterday?” I immediately bombard Jasper as I sit across from him at what I’ve mentally deemed ‘our table’ at lunch.

He glances up from his sketchbook with a look that says he wasn’t prepared for my blunt line of questioning.

“The saving you from certain death part, or?” He leaves open ended for me to clarify.

“The part where Bella was alone next to her truck, but your brother teleported to her side AND somehow the van skidded to a stop right before turning them both into pancakes?” I’m not pulling my punches with my queries, after having spent last night stewing over what I had seen.

“He wasn’t that far from her when I moved you out of the way, I must’ve distracted you enough that you didn’t see him walking to her after he got out of class. Plus, the van wasn’t going that fast, maybe when it hit the back of her truck the tires got traction and he could brake properly.” He answers, turning his gaze back to his sketch and resuming his work.

I don’t really buy it, but I mull over my recount of yesterday afternoon as I pull my lunch from my bag. Was I so focused on Jasper the moment he put his hands on me? Was I so soda-strawed in on Bella being in the way of the van that I missed Edward?

No, something isn’t adding up. I know that van was hauling ass in the parking lot, I was going to yell as much at the idiot driving before I saw it headed for Bella. But I can also tell I won’t be getting the answers I want from Jasper. I can tell from the rigidity of his spine that he’s worried I’ll ask more questions. I mean, his recount of the accident isn’t out-landish, but I know what I saw!

I need to talk to Bella.

“Yeah I guess that makes sense.” I acquiesce. I see him deflate a little with relief as I pick at my peanut butter and jelly sandwich. “Thank you for saving me, by the way.” I add nervously, a little heat working it’s way onto my cheeks.

Jasper glances up to my face and with a small smile, “Anytime Y/l/n, anytime.”

• January 27th, 2005 • Forks High School •

Reader

“Bella!” I yell down the hallway, catching her as she slams her locker shut. I jog over to her as she turns towards the exit, everyone that has Mr. Banner for Biology is going on a field trip today.

“Hey Y/n, what’s up?” She questions, seeing the look on my face.

“Tuesday, parking lot, what the hell happened?” I jump right into it.

“Tyler must’ve lost traction-“

“That’s not what I’m talking about and you know it. Edward was nowhere near you.” Cutting off her redirection. “Jasper won’t budge, he insists I was distracted and didn’t see his brother before the accident.”

Bella glances around the hallway and decides to pull me into the empty female bathroom for some privacy.

“Edward is avoiding me, I was asking him the same questions when I was at the hospital and he refused to answer.” She answers nervously.

“It’s weird, right? I mean, one second I’m unlocking the door to my car, and the next Jasper spins me around to protect my body with his. And then I see Edward jump over the tailgate of your truck when I thought Tyler’s van was going to end you.” I’m just rambling the thoughts that have been pinging around the last two days.

I can see her hesitate, “You can talk to me, you know? I kinda don’t have any friends besides you, I mean - if you want to be friends?” I tack on the last part, worried I’d over stepped.

“Yeah no, of course - I um, I could use a friend to vent to.” Bella glances down at her shoes, picking at the sleeves of her sweater as the both of us exit the bathroom. “He’s coming on today’s class trip, I’ll talk to him then and see what I can find out.”

“Perfect, want to sit with me on the bus?” I ask, walking out of the building for the student parking lot where the buses are waiting.

“As if I’d risk getting stuck sitting with Mike Newton, absolutely.” She jokes back. “I’m going to grab my book from my truck, I’ll be there in a sec - save us a seat!” She yells as she jogs to her vehicle across the parking lot.

As I board the first bus I can hear Mr Banner yell at everyone loitering in the parking lot, “Yo yo yo, hey guys c’mon! We gotta go, we gotta go! Green is what? Good, let’s go!”

A few moments later Bella joins me in our claimed seat, book in hand looking a little frazzled. I see Mike pass us with a forlorn expression on his face, “Oh God, what happened?” I ask.

“He asked me to prom and I told him to ask Jessica, please don’t make me talk about it.” She answers with what I assume is a shiver of discomfort.

I want to laugh, but I just grin instead. “Your not-so-secret admirer fumble is safe with me, Bells.” I knock my shoulder into hers to tease her a little as I crack open my own book I brought for the bus ride.

• Community College Greenhouse •

Reader

Walking alone in line through the greenhouse, my hands drift over the different sprouting vegetables. Behind me I can hear Mr. Banner giving a spiel on “compost tea” and how its derived from table scraps and other organic waste. Every now and then my fingers float over the soft petals of flowers placed sporadically through the hundreds of food-producing plants; earlier it was explained that they encourage pollinators to visit.

Even though I’m a smidge lonely since Bella is hanging back with Edward, I’m glad to be surrounded by greenery instead of stuck in a stuffy classroom.

Just as Tyler Crowley pushes past with a clear mug of what looks like poop/dirt water, I spot Alice just ahead standing to the side of the isle with Jasper to allow students to flow by. When I get within arms reach, Alice loops her elbow through mine, almost like she could sense my loneliness.

“So,” she drags out the word cheerfully, “Enjoying the plants? Fresh air? Freedom from school?”

“Oh absolutely,” I glance over my shoulder at Jasper following behind us silently. “I’m surprised you’re not off in a corner doodling flowers, Hale.” I catch him duck his head and chuckle under his breath as Alice watches our interaction, surprised.

“And isolate myself away from your commentary? Never, Y/l/n.”

“Oh, Emmett’s opinions on your drawings are too much, but mine aren’t?” I smile as I turn to look at new plants as we pass them in our slow walk through the final greenhouse.

“My brother isn’t nearly as interesting.” His response catches me off guard and if it weren’t for Alice’s grip on my arm I would’ve stumbled on the wet concrete.

“As I live and breathe, Jasper Hale flirting-“ but Alice doesn’t finish her sentence due to Jasper snaking out a pinch to her ribs, her flinch forcing our hold to separate. Before I could chide Alice for teasing her brother for just being nice, Edward storms up to the three of us.

“Ready to leave?” He glances between his siblings, pointedly ignoring me so that I wouldn’t feel the obligation to join them.

“Edward-“ Alice says disapprovingly, but he pushes past us without waiting for an answer. She looks at me apologetically before skipping after him.

“Sorry about my brother, he’s insufferable when he’s in a mood.” Jasper offers as explanation as we watch the two of them exit the greenhouse.

“I get the feeling he’s always in a ‘mood’.” My fingers emphasize the last word with air quotations and it draws another chuckle from the gorgeous boy at my side.

“Touché.” He says with a grin. “I better catch up before they ditch me, see ya around darlin’.” He weaves his way through the crowded isle and out of sight before the heat settles in my cheeks.

I manage to file outside and towards the buses with the rest of my class after I gather my wits. I spot Bella already in our shared bus seat with a sad expression. “Wanna talk about it?” I ask as I sit.

“Not right now.” She answers, turning to look out of the window.

Next

[layce2015]

Supernatural (Dean Winchester x Female!Reader)

The Magnificent Seven

Masterlist

One Week Later

One week.

It had been one week since Hell's gate was opened.

It had been one week since alot of demons had been let out.

One week since I died but came back to life hours later, thanks to Dean.

One week of silence, no signs of any demonic activity.

And how are we spending that time? 

Well, Sam's downstairs, at my safehouse, pouring over a book, trying to find any way to get Dean out of his demon deal while Dean and I were upstairs....having alittle fun of our own.

We were making out, furiously, as we were running our hands all over each other's body, laying on the bed. Then Dean removes my shirt and started to kiss my chest, then his lips move from my chest up to my collarbone then to my neck. I let out a small moan and I hear him let out a chuckle.

"Enjoying yourself?" I asked him. "Yes." He said and I chuckle as he looks me in the eyes. "You have no idea how long I've been waiting for this." Dean said and I smiled. "I think I have some idea." I said, smiling, and he chuckles then he leans in and kisses me, roughly and passionately.

After removing the rest of our clothing, he hovers over me as we let our eyes roam over each other's body and I run my hand over his chest. "You sure you want this?" Dean asked me and I smirk at this. "Show me what you got, Winchester." I said and he smirks and kisses me as he slides inside of me.

Immediately, I knew that this felt different than any of the other times I've been with a man. I don't know why this feels different, it just does. And honestly, I don't care as this feels amazing and I lose myself in the moment.

And apparently, Dean and I got so lost in the moment of making each other feel so good, we didn't hear Sam knocking on the door, open it and, poor him, got an eyeful and he shut the door, quickly, while Dean and I continued the ol' devil's tango.

Later, when we finished, we were in the Impala; Dean driving like a maniac as he speeds down the pavement. "Let me see your knife." Sam said to Dean. "What for?" Dean asked him. "So I can gouge my eyes out." Sam said as I shake my head and run my hands over my eyes.

"It was a beautiful, natural act, Sam." Dean said then he looks at me through the rearview mirror. "Ain't the right, sweetheart?" He asked me and I give an embarrassed scoff at this. "It's a part of you and a part of (y/n) I never wanted to see, Dean." Sam said while Dean chuckles and slaps Sam on the thigh. 

"I'm sorry, Sammy. We'll remeber to lock the door next time." I said. "But we appreciate you giving us a little quality time." Dean said to him. "Yeah, no problem." Sam mutters, quietly, and Dean gives him a look.

"Really? Well, I got to say, I was expecting a weary sigh or an eye roll, something." Dean said. "No, not at all. You two deserve to have a little fun. I mean, it's about time you guys got together. Now you guys can stop giving goo-goo eyes at each other." Sam said and we look over at him, shocked. "Well, I am in violent agreement with you there." Dean said and he chuckles while I shake my head.

"Anyway...What's Bobby got?" I asked Sam, changing the subject. "Not much. A crop failure and a cicada swarm outside of Lincoln, Nebraska. Ahh, could be demonic omens..." Sam said, shrugging. "Or could just be a bad crop and a bug problem." Dean said. "Yeah, but it's our only lead." Sam said.

"Any freaky deaths?" I asked him. "Nothing Bobby could find – not yet, anyway." Sam replied and I sighed. "It's weird, guys. I mean, the night the devil's gate opened, all these weirdo storm clouds were sighted over how many cities?" I said as I look over at Sam.

"Seventeen." Sam replied. "Seventeen. You'd think it would be Apocalypse Now, but it's been five days and bubkis." I said and Sam looks at me, confused. "What are the demons waiting for?" Dean asked Sam. "Beats me." Sam said. "It's driving me crazy." I said and Dean nods. "Yeah, me too. I tell you, if it's gonna be war, I wish it would just start already." He said.

"I don't know, man. Be careful what you wish for." Sam said and he glances at his brother.

The next morning, we pull up outside of a farmhouse, Dean gets out munching on a burger as Sam and I follow. "Hear those cicadas?" Sam asked as he points out the sound that was surrounding the area.

"That can't be a good sign." I said and Sam nods. "No. No, it can't." He said and we see Bobby, who was leaning against his car, walks over to us. "So, we're eating bacon cheeseburgers for breakfast, are we?" Bobby asked as he gestures towards the burger in Dean's hand.

"Well, I sold my soul. Got a year to live. I ain't sweating the cholesterol." Dean replied and I sigh and shake my head. "So, Bobby, what do you think? We got a biblical plague here or what?" Sam asked Bobby. "Well, let's find out. Looks like the swarm's ground zero." Bobby said and we head to the farmhouse.

We get to the front door and Dean pounds his fist against it. "Candygram!" He shouts but there was no answer, only the cicadas chirping. Dean picks the lock and opens the door and, immediately, we cover our noses in disgust.

"That's awful." I groaned.

"That so can't be a good sign." Dean mutters as he enters first, Sam and I behind him with our guns drawn. We creep through the house; stopping in the second room until we hear what sounds like panicked screams.

"You hear that?" Sam asked and we go up to doo and I kick open the next door; the sounds turned out to be coming from TV. In front of it, a family of three were seated on the couch, several days dead. The boys and I recoil at the increased stench of death.

"Oh, my God." Sam said as Bobby enters through the other side of the room and recoils in horror. "Bobby, what the hell happened here?" I asked him. "I don't know." He replied. "Check for sulfur." Dean said and we all agreed and investigate the room.

But then I hear a noise out front. I whistle quietly, then signal to the others that I was going to go check it out, Dean has a worried expression on his face but I give a reassuring smile then I go to investigate.

Out front, I exit cautiously, gun drawn, and look around. As I come around the house, I get knocked down to the ground by a man with a shotgun then a woman comes up behind him.

"Isaac? Tamara?" Bobby's voice asked and I look over to see Bobby coming around the corner. "Bobby. What the hell are you doing here?" The woman, Tamara, asked him. "I could ask the same." Bobby said to them. "Heya, Bobby." The man, Isaac, said while I raise an arm pitifully from the ground and waving for attention. "Hello. Bleeding here." I said to them.

Isaac and Tamara took us to their home, where it was covered in hunter's equipment, while Dean was on the phone with the coroner. "Honey? Where's the Palo Santo?" Issac asked Tamara. "Well, where'd you leave it?" She asked. "I don't know, dear. That's why I'm asking." He said, both of them sounded like a couple that had been together for a long time.

"Palo Santo?" I asked, curiously. "It's holy wood, from Peru. It's toxic to demons like holy water. Keeps the bastards nailed down while you're exorcising them." Tamara said as she digs in a bag and pulls out a large, pointed stake. She hands it to Isaac with an affectionate smile. "Thank you, dear." He said. "You'd lose your head if it wasn't for me." She said to him and I smiled at this.

"So, how long you two been married?" Sam asked them. "Eight years this past June." Tamara replied. "The family that slays together..." Isaac said and I chuckled as I glanced at Dean, who was still on the phone. "Right. We're with you there. So, how'd you get started?" Sam asked them then there was an awkward silence as Tamara and Isaac look at each other. Obviously, something bad must've happened for them to be a part of this life.

"I, uh, you know... I'm sorry. It's not – that's none of my business." Sam said. "No, no. It's – it's all right." Tamara said as Dean continues on his phone. "Well, Jenny, as nice as an appleteni sounds..." Dean said and makes a face at us before he continues. "...I'm already spoken for. Yes...happily. Yes, but thank you for your help." He said then he hangs up and addresses the rest of us.

"That was the coroner's tech." He said as I smirk a bit at him. "And?" Sam asked. "Get this – that whole family, cause of death? Dehydration and starvation. There's no signs of restraint, no violence, no struggle. They just sat down and never got up." He said. "But there was a fully stocked kitchen just yards away." I said. "Right. What is this, a demon attack?" Sam asked.

"If it is, it's not like anything I ever saw, and I've seen plenty." Bobby said. "Well, what now? What should we do?" Dean asked everyone.

"Uh, we're not gonna do anything." Isaac said to them. "What do you mean?" Sam asked him. "You guys seem nice enough, but, this ain't Scooby-Doo, and we don't play well with others." Isaac replied.

"Well, I think we'd cover a lot more ground if we all worked together." I said to him. "No offense, but we're not teaming with the damn fools who let the Devil's Gate get opened in the first place." Isaac said and I scoff at this 

"No offense?" Dean said, questioning. "Isaac. Like you've never made a mistake." Tamara said to her husband, admonished. "Oh yeah, yeah. Locked my keys in the car, turned my laundry pink. Never brought on the end of the world, though." Isaac said and Dean chuckles. "All right. That's enough." He said.

"Guys, this isn't helping. Dean—" I started to say but Isaac interrupts  "Look, there are couple hundred more demons out there now. We don't know where they are, when they'll strike. There ain't enough hunters in the world to handle something like this. You brought war down on us – on all of us." He said, angrily, then Tamara pulls him away. "Okay. that's quite enough testosterone for now." She said and they leave the room.

The next day, the boys and I make it to this clothing store where a woman had killed another woman over some shoes. Sam was outside, looking around, Bobby was talking to the suspect and I was talking to a witness, Dean standing behind me.

Unfortunately, it was hard to talk to the witness as Dean kept trying to touch me, subtly, obviously trying to get some attention from me. I would look over at him and he acted like nothing was going on but everytime I'd try to talk to the woman, I'd feel Dean’s hand on my back and then sliding down on my ass. I ignored him, as best as I could, and get the information from the witness and once she left, I turned to face him.

"Dean, what are you doing?" I asked him. "Helping you interviewing and comforting the bereaved. What are you doing?" He said, acting dumb, and I raise an eyebrow at him. "Really? Is that what you call it?" I asked but a smirk slightly appeared on my face. He shrugs as I said. "Dean, we have a dead body, which could be a possible demon attack – you know, our jobs!" I said then he starts to cough, pathetically.

"(Y/n), I'm sorry. It's just, I don't have much time left, and, uh...got to make every second count." He said as he gives a more theatrical cough and I shake my head. "Yeah, right. Sorry." I said then I move closer to him and I wrap my arms around his neck and stare at him in the eyes. "Apology accepted." He said and he started to lean in towards me but I place a finger up to his lips.

"After we finish this job." I said, smiling, and I back away and laugh at his bewildered look in his face. Then Sam and Bobby, who was in a suit and his hair slicked back, come over to us as I pull back from Dean. Both, Dean and I, look at him, impressed. 

"Whoa." Dean said and he whistles. "Looking spiffy, Bobby. What were you, a G-man?" I asked him. "Attorney for the D.A.'s office. I just spoke to the suspect." Bobby said. "Yeah? So, what do you think? Is she possessed or what?" I asked him. "Don't think so. There's none of the usual signs – no blackouts, no loss of control. Totally lucid. Just, she really wanted those shoes. Spilled a glass of holy water on her just to be sure; nothing." Bobby replied, shrugging.

"Maybe she's just some random whack job." Dean said. "If it had been an isolated incident, maybe, but first the family, now this? I believe in a lot of things. Coincidence ain't one of them. Did you guys find anything around here?" Bobby said to us. "No sulfur, nothing." Sam said as I shake my head.

"Well, maybe something." Dean said and he nods to a security camera in the ceiling. "See? I'm working." Dean said to me and I shake my head, slightly. "Good boy! I'll give you a treat later." I said to him, using a voice you would use when you're talking to a dog, and he rolls his eyes at me.

Sam was seated, watching the security footage in the security room, as Bobby, Dean and I hover. "Anything interesting?" Dean asked Sam. "I don't know yet. Might just be a guy..." Sam said and we watch a redheaded man approach the blonde woman and talk to her as they glance over at the victim. "Or it might be our guy." I said.

Bobby, Dean and I were sitting in Bobby's car, staking out a bar while Sam was out doing some research. "What time is it?" Bobby asked, yawning. "Seven past midnight." Dean replied. "You sure this is the right place?" Bobby asked him. "No. But (y/n) and I spent all day canvassing this stupid town with this guy's stupid mug, and, supposedly, he drinks at this...stupid bar." Dean grumbles then there was a loud pounding on the window, making all three of us jump. It is Sam, who grins at our discomfort and slips into the back seat.

"That's not funny!" I yelled at Sam as he gets inside the car. "Yeah. Uh, all right, so – so, John Doe's name is Walter Rosen. He's from Oak Park, just west of Chicago. Went missing about a week ago." Sam replied. "The night the Devil's Gate opened?" I asked him and Sam nod. "Yeah." He said.

"So you think he's possessed?" Dean asked. "Well, it's a good bet. So, what, he just walks up to someone, touches them, and they go stark raving psycho?" Sam said. "Those demons that got out at the gate – they're gonna do all kinds of things we haven't seen." Bobby said. "You mean the demons we let out." I said.

"Guys." Dean said and we look out and see the redheaded man, from the security footage, getting out of his car and walking towards the bar. "All right. Showtime." Dean said.

"Wait a minute." Bobby said. "What?" Dean asked. "What'd I just say? We don't know what to expect out of this guy. We should tail him till we know for sure." Bobby said to him. "Oh, so he kills someone and we just sit here with our junk in our hands?" Dean asked him, angrily. "We're no good dead! And we're not gonna make a move until we know what the score is." Bobby yells at him.

"Hey, Bobby? I don't think that's an option." Sam said. "Why not?" Bobby asked and Sam nods, indicating another car that has just entered the lot. We look out and see Isaac and Tamara are heading towards the bar. "Damn it!" Bobby growls and we start to get out of the car.

We head towards the door of the bar, but find it lock. "Oh no." I whispered then we heard laughing and Tamara screaming in fear. We slam ourselves against the door, trying to force it open but nothing. "Get back to the car!" Bobby yells at us and we run back to his car.

Once we get inside, Bobby starts to the car. "Hang on." He shouts and he drives right through the front door of the bar. We get out or the car, armed with holy water, which we fling violently into the crowd of the possessed seven people.

They back up and Sam and I grab Tamara, who is still screaming frantically for Isaac who was on the ground dead and surrounded by a pool of his own blood. "Come on, we got to go! He's dead! Get in the car!" Sam shouts and I look over and see Dean still immersed in the fight.

"Dean, come on!" I shout but he was still flinging Holy water at the demons. "DEAN! COME ON!" I shouted as I help Sam get Tamara in Bobby's car. Dean Then entered combat with the Redheaded Man, Walter. I go and open the trunk, after I help get Tamara in the car, just as Dean runs out of holy water; Walter grins.

I go and help Dean and we overpower Walter and stuff him in the trunk, Walter screams as he sees the Devil's Trap and Dean tumbles into the front seat of the car and I head to the back seat and squeezed in with Sam and Tamara, who was still screaming and crying for Isaac. "Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!" Dean shouts and we drive back out and leave the bar behind.

"...And I say we're going back – now!" Tamara yells at us after we made it back to her house and had Walter tied up in the other room under the Devil's Trap. "Just hold on a second!" Sam said to her. "I left my husband bloody on the floor!" Tamara shouts at us.

"Okay, we understand that, but we can't go back." I said to her, firmly. "Fine. Then you stay. But I'm heading back to that bar." She growls. "I'll go with her." Dean said and I look over at him. "It's suicide, Dean!" I shout at him. "So what? I'm dead already!" He yells back at me.

"How you gonna kill 'em? Can't shoot 'em. You can't stab 'em. They're not just gonna wait in line to get exorcised!" Sam shouts. "I don't care!" Tamara screams. "We don't even know how many of them there are!" I yelled at her. "Yeah, we do." Bobby said as he comes into the room, holding a book.

"There's seven. Do you have any idea who we're up against?" He asked us. "No. Who?" Dean asked. "The seven deadly sins, live and in the flesh!" Bobby said and my jaw drops at this and Dean grins.

"What's in the box?!" He exclaims and all of us stare at him. "Brad Pitt? Se7en? No?" Dean asked us as everyone gives him a disapproving look. "Time and place, Dean." I said as Bobby tosses him a book. "What's this?" Dean asked him. "Binsfeld's Classification of Demons. In 1589, Binsfeld ID'd the seven sins – not just as human vices but as actual devils." Bobby replied.

"The family – they were touched by Sloth. And the shopper..." I said and Bobby nods. "That's Envy's doing – the customer we got in the next room. I couldn't suss it out at first, until Isaac. He was touched with an awful Gluttony." He said. "I don't give a rat's ass if they're the Three Stooges or the Four Tops! I'm gonna slaughter every last one of them!" Tamara shouts.

"We already did it your way. You burst in there half-cocked and look what happened! These demons haven't been topside in half a millennium! We're talking medieval, Dark Ages! We've never faced anything close to this! So we are gonna take a breath...And figure out what our next move is!" Bobby shouts at her and they stare at each other.

"I am sorry for your loss." Bobby said, quietly, to her. Tamara, emotional, walks out of the room and the boys and I look at each other.

"So you know who I am, huh?" Envy asked us as he chuckles while we enter the room. "We do. We're not impressed." Bobby spat at him.

"Why are you here? What are you after?" Sam asked Envy, who doesn't respond. "He asked you a question. What do you want?" Dean growls and Envy chuckles condescendingly; Dea  opens a flask of holy water and splashes him, making him scream.

"We already have...what we want." He said, panting. "What's that?" I asked him. "We're out. We're free. Thanks to you, my kind are everywhere. I am legion, for we are many." Envy said then he laughs again. "So me, I'm just celebrating. Having a little fun." He said.

"Fun?" Sam asked. "Yeah. Fun. See, some people crochet. Others golf. Me? I like to see people's insides...on their outside." Envy sneers. "I'm gonna put you down like a dog." Tamara growls at him. "Please. You really think you're better than me." Envy laughs. "Which one of you can cast the first stone, huh? What about you, Dean? You're practically a, a walking billboard of gluttony and lust." He said and Dean nods, in acknowledgement.

"And Tamara. All that wrath. Oohh." Envy said and he tongue clicks. "It's the reason you and Isaac became hunters in the first place, isn't it? It's so much easier to...drink in the rage than to face what really happened all those years ago." Envy said. Face twisted in anger, Tamara smacks him, hard, twice, until Dean and Bobby pull her back.

"My point exactly. And you call us sins. We're not sins, man. We are natural human instinct. And you can repress and deny us all you want, but the truth is, you are just animals. Horny...greedy...hungry...violent animals. And you know what? You'll be slaughtered like animals, too." Envy said and we look around at everyone .

"The others – they're coming for me." He said as he smiles around at us. "Maybe. But they're not gonna find you...'cause you'll be in hell." I said to him and he looks taken aback. "Someone send this clown packing." I said and Tamara steps forward. "My pleasure." She said and she begins reading from the book. As she continues, we leave and Envy screams.

"I don't think we're gonna have to worry about hunting them." Bobby said after we go into the other room. "What does that mean?" Sam asked. "I think maybe this joker's right. They're gonna be hunting us. And they're not gonna quit easy." Bobby said to him.

"You guys, why don't you take Tamara and head for the hills? I'll stay back, slow them down, buy you a little time." Dean said to us and Sam and I turn to him. "You're insane, Dean. Just forget about it, okay?" Sam said. "Sam's right." I said as Bobby nods. "There's six of them, guys. We're outmanned, we're outgunned. We'll be dead by dawn." Dean said to us.

"Maybe, but...there's no place to run that they won't find us." Bobby said. "Look, if we're going down, we're going down together, all right?" I said to them. "Well let's not make it easy for them." Dean said.

From the other room, Envy gives a final scream and the house shakes and a gust blows out the candles. Tamara slams the book shut and comes into the room with the rest of us. "Demon's out of the guy." She said. "And the guy?" Sam asked her. "He didn't make it." Tamara said, coldly.

Later, Dean was seated on the floor with a row of candles behind him, loading a shotgun. Sam was across the room filling flasks with holy water and I was in the middle of the room, helping Sam. I look between the boys as they look at each other then at me. We watch each other silently for a moment until the lights begin to flicker.

We look around and an old radio sparks to life, playing the beginnings of a scratchy recording of We Shall Not Be Moved. Dean stands up and cocks his gun. "Here we go." He said and we get up and leave the room. Sam leaves the room first and I was about to leave when Dean grabs my arm to stop me.

I look up at him and it was like we were having a silent conversation as we stare into each other's eyes. Then he leans down to me and lightly kisses me, which I kiss him back. We pull back, share one last look then head down stairs where Tamara and Bobby were as they lean agains the front doors.

"Tamara! I got away, but I'm hurt bad! I need help!" We hear Isaac's voice shout and I could see that Tamara becomes distraught. "It's not him. It's one of those demons. It's possessing his corpse." Bobby tells her just as we hear a pounding at the door.

"Baby! Why won't you let me in? You left me behind back there. How could you do that? We swore...At that lake in Michigan. Remember? We swore we would never leave each other!" Isaac yells and Tamara turns to us.

"How did he know that?" Tamara asked Bobby. "Steady, Tamara. Steady, Tamara, steady, steady...." Bobby assures her as Isaac continues to scream. "You just gonna leave me out here? You just gonna let me die?! I guess that's what you do, dear! Like that night those things came to our house...came...for our daughter! You just let her die, too." Isaac said and Tamara becomes angry.

"You son of a bitch!" She screams. "Tamara, no!" Bobby yells but she pushes the door open, breaking the salt line, and tackles Isaac down the steps. She lands on top of him and raises the Palo Santo stake. "You're not Isaac!" She shouts and she plunges the wood deep into his chest; it sizzles, and he screams.

The other six demons cross the broken salt line and enter the house and we began to split up. In a hallway, Dean and I were cornered by a woman and we began to fight her as she advances on us. For just one woman, she's able to handle both of us in a fight.

"I suppose you're Lust." I said to her as we back up into the bathroom. "Baby, I'm whatever you want me to be." She said, seductively. "Yeah, all right, just stay back." Dean said to her. "Or what?" Lust asked him. "Good point." Dean said.

"I'm not gonna hurt you two– not yet. Not unless both of you want me to." She said and she runs her hands along mine and Dean's shoulder. We look at her, having this strong feeling of...well lust, then I fall into her embrace and we kiss passionately while Dean kisses her neck.

Then she goes to kiss Dean, who backs up to a shower curtain. I get behind Lust and Dean flips the shower curtain around, pulls it open, and I grab her and plunge her face-first into the bathtub which is filled with holy water. She screams in agony as we hold her until she passes out.

The next morning, Sam and Dean were piling the corpses of the demons, that didn't survive, into a shallow pit and begin pouring salt and fuel over them as Bobby and I come over to them after we did the exorcism. Several yards away, Tamara is standing in front of a funderal pyre.

"Well, you two look like hell warmed over." Dean said to us and I glare at him. "You try exorcising all night and see how you feel." I said.

"Any survivors?" Sam asked us.  Well, the pretty girl and the heavy guy, they'll make it. Lifetime of therapy bills ahead, but, still..." Bobby said. "That's more than you can say for these poor bastards." Dean said as he gestures toward the three dead bodies in the pit they made.

"Bobby, that knife – what kind of blade can kill a demon?" Sam asked. Apparently, some random blonde chick came in and saved Sam's life by killing the demons with a knife. Sam tried to grab her but she disappeared. "Yesterday, I would have said there was no such thing." Bobby said.

"I'm just gonna ask it again – who was that masked chick? Actually, the more troubling question would be, how come a girl can fight better than you?" Dean asked Sam and he chuckles. "Three demons, Dean. At once." Sam said and I pat Sam on the shoulder. "Hey, whatever it takes to get you through the night, pal." I said and he rolls his eyes.

"Yeah, well, if you want a troubling question, I got one for you." Sam said. "What's that?" Dean asked. "If we let out the seven deadly sins, what else did we let out?" Sam asked us and we stand there in worried and stunned silence. "You're right. That is troubling." I said then Dean lights a matchbook and tosses it onto the pyre.

Later, the bonfires have settled down and we prepare to leave as Tamara comes up to us. "See you gents and young lady around." She said, walking away. "Tamara?" Bobby said and she stops to hear him. "The world just got a lot scarier. Be careful." He said. "You too." She said and she gets in her car and takes off.

"Keep your eyes peeled for omens. I'll do the same." Bobby said to us. "You got it." Dean said. "Wait, Bobby. We can win this war. Right?" Sam asked him. But Bobby doesn't answer, which makes is feel uncomfortable and worried. "Catch you on the next one." Bobby said and he heads to his car and the boys and I start to head towards the Impala.

"So, where to?" Dean asked us. "Uh, I don't know. I was thinking Louisiana maybe." Sam said. "Little early for Mardi Gras, isn't it?" I asked him. "Yeah. Listen, I was talking to Tamara, and she mentioned this hoodoo priestess outside of Shreveport that might be able to help us out. You know, with your – with your demon deal, Dean." Sam said and I look over at Dean, hopeful.

"Nah." Dean said, shaking his head. "Nah? What does that mean, nah?" Sam asked him, annoyed. :Sam, no hoodoo spell's gonna break this deal, all right? It's a goose chase." Dean replied.

"Yeah, but we don't know that, Dean—" I started to say but he cuts me off. "Yes, we do. Forget it. She can't help." He said.

"Look, it's worth—" Sam started to cut in but Dean talks over him. "We're not going, and that's that. What about Reno, huh?" He said as he smacks us on the arm lightly and turns to walk away.

Sam grabs his sleeve and turns Dean back to face us. "You know what? I've had it. I've been bending over backwards trying to be nice to you, and...I don't care anymore." Sam said to him. "That didn't last long." Dean said, jokingly. "Yeah, well, you know what? (Y/n) and I have been busting our assea trying to keep you alive, Dean, and you act like you couldn't care less. What, you got some kind of death wish or something?" Sam asked him. "No, it's not like that." Dean replied.

"Then what's it like, Dean?" I asked him, annoyed. "(Y/n)—" Dean said, exasperated. "Please, tell us." Sam pleads. "We trap the crossroads demon, trick it, try to welch our way out of the deal in any way? (Y/n) dies. Okay? She dies. Those are the terms. There's no way out of it. If you try to find a way, so help me God, I'm gonna stop you and Sam." Dean said to us and I stand there, stunned.

"How could you make that deal, Dean?" I asked him. "'Cause I couldn't live with you dead. Couldn't do it." He replied as he gives me a look. "So, what, now I live and you die?" I asked, angrily. "That's the general idea, yeah." He said, shrugging.

"Yeah, well, you're a hypocrite, Dean. How did you feel when Dad sold his soul for you? 'Cause (y/n) and I were there. We remember. You were twisted, and broken. And now you go and do the same thing. To (y/n). What you did was selfish." Sam growls at him. "Yeah, you're right. It was selfish. But I'm okay with that." Dean said, unfazed.

"I'm not." I said and Sam nods. "Yeah, neither am I." He said. "Tough. After everything I've done for this family, I think I'm entitled. Truth is, I'm tired, guys. I don't know, it's like there's a, a light at the end of the tunnel." Dean replied. "It's hellfire, Dean." I said.

"Whatever. You're alive, I feel good – for the first time in a long time. I got a year to live, guys. I'd like to make the most of it. So what do you say we kill some evil sons of bitches and we raise a little hell, huh?" He said and he smiles and nods to us then walks on to the car.

"You're unbelievable." Sam said as we turn to him. Dean stops then smiles at us. "Very true." He said and he opens the driver side door and starts the car as Sam and I walk, frustratedly, to the car, Sam to the passenger side and I to the back driver's side, and get in.

@rach5ive @kitsun369 @itzabbyxx @cevans-winchester

[loudblonde]

Simon "Ghost" Riley x Male!Reader Mafia AU, (chapter seventeen)

Minors DNI

Summary: (Y/N) and Gaz enjoy an evening together, though neither spent the night with the other. Meanwhile Price reevaluate just how (Y/N) intreacts with people around him. Police Chief Shepherds and Lieutenant Graves makes their first appearance as (Y/N)'s training to take over from his father finally begins.

word count: 2.4K

Warnings: discussing of using ones body to acheive things, sex, corrupt police, general mafia bs,

(Y/N) wasn’t acting rational, not in any manner befitting of someone his station, he had lost his cool, and he had finally gotten behind closed doors with someone whom he knew well, Kyle or as his father called him, Gaz. (Y/N) walked over and wrapped his arms around Kyle’s shoulders, he hummed a bit. “No attachments?” 

“I don’t think you could be attached even if you wanted to,” Kyle said and leaned up to kiss (Y/N) only to have a finger placed on his lips. “You care about Ghost and yet you can’t have him,” Kyle said. 

“I don’t care about him, but he is mine. No one else should touch him.” (Y/N) moved his hand to cover Kyle’s cheek. “I guess I am a bit possessive about him, but it’s earned.” 

“How is it earned?” Kyle leaned into his touch, it was intoxicating. “You didn’t feel like you owned me despite us spending multiple weeks together, you practically fucked me on every surface.” 

(Y/N) smirked a bit. “You didn’t fight to prove yourself to me. To see him absolutely destroy König and then walk over to me without a care for the destruction left behind…” (Y/N) closed his eyes and imagined the fight and the sight. “We have been too cooped up and frustrated.” 

“What will you do?” Kyle asked, bringing (Y/N) out of the thoughts. 

“Hm? Nothing, I won’t force myself on him or force him to be mine, he doesn’t deserve that, I am not a monster, I am not my father.” (Y/N) said. 

Kyle whistled out. “You know, that can be considered treason.” 

(Y/N) leaned down and kissed Kyle. “So is it when you get dicked down by me.” (Y/N) said before kissing Kyle's throat. “It is far worse actually, you are one of the people he trusts most and yet you seek my bed.” 

Kyle let soft moans escape his lips. “Do you really wanna talk about your father before you fuck me?” 

“Not particularly.” (Y/N) pushed Kyle down onto the bed before straddling his hips, their lips met passionately, both seeking their own pleasure. 

(Y/N)’s touch was intoxicating, Kyle wanted nothing more than to lose himself in (Y/N) and (Y/N) wanted to forget Simon’s touches and kisses. 

(Y/N) pulled away and pulled the shirt off himself, Kyle leaned up and hastily removed his own shirt as well. (Y/N) looked down at all the scars covering Kyle’s chest. 

“So handsome~” He said with a slight purr to his voice. (Y/N) kissed down his chest, he didn’t leave behind any marks. One of his free hands came up to message one of Kyle’s nipples, causing Kyle to moan a bit louder. 

(Y/N) moved between his legs before undoing Kyle’s belt, he pulled Kyle’s pants and underwear off before grabbing the lube and a condom from the nightside stand. (Y/N) looked down at Kyle, silently asking for permission, he was met with a smile and nod. “I will say if you go over my limit.” 

(Y/N) smiled at that. He leaned down and kissed Kyle’s hip. “Good, I expect nothing less.” He said before coating a finger in lube. (Y/N) looked up at Kyle. “Ready?” Kyle nodded. (Y/N) began opening him up, one finger at the time. He moved expertly, extracting moan after moan that neither man tried to muffle the moans, (Y/N) unashamed and Kyle too caught up in all of it to care. (Y/N) added more lube before adding a second finger, he worked carefully as he slowly spread his fingers more and more.

Kyle grabbed onto the sheet below him. “Fuck,” He moaned lightly. “You are too good.” 

(Y/N) carefully angled his finger to brush against his prostate, Kyle moaned louder. “So needy, I bet you haven’t had anyone touch you like this since the last time we were together.” (Y/N) said with a smirk. “Do you touch yourself thinking about all the ways I fucked you?” He added more lube and a third finger. 

Kyle moaned out louder. “Yes! Yes! Fuck yes!” He said. “You were so good to me!” 

“Good boy~” (Y/N) praised. “Use your words if you want me to continue.” 

“Please fuck me, sir!” Kyle said, his eyes closed in ecstasy, (Y/N) brushing across his prostate with every single movement of his fingers. 

“As you wish~” (Y/N) pulled away and pulled his pants down just enough to take out his cock, he unwrapped the condom, rolled it on and added more lube before lining up with Kyle’s hole. He held onto Kyle’s hips as he pushed in, meeting very little resistance. 

“Fuck baby boy, you are taking me so well.” (Y/N) moaned out. He moved slowly at first, letting Kyle get used to the girth. Kyle squirmed beneath him, his eyes begging for a faster pace. 

“Please, sir, fuck me faster.” He said through soft moans. (Y/N) happily obliged, he fucked into Kyle harder, not holding back, each thrust was timed with how he almost ruthlessly pulled Kyle back down on his cock, Kyle grabbed onto the headboard, moan after moan after moan pulled themselves from his lips as he felt a stirring within his stomach, a knot was forming. Kyle reached down with one free hand and stroked his cock in turn with (Y/N) fucking into him. 

Everything was overwhelming and Kyle wasn’t being quiet, seeing someone reduced to nothing but a moaning mess beneath him fueled (Y/N) as he kept seeking his own pleasure, though his mind wasn’t entirely on Kyle nor how good he felt to be inside off, a small torturous part of (Y/N) kept thinking back to Ghost. 

(Y/N) felt a familiar knot form in his stomach, he was nearing his end, he looked down at Kyle and smiled. “Fuck, baby, you take me so well. You feel so good.” (Y/N) praised, not caring if anyone heard them. 

Kyle looked up to (Y/N), and the praise pushed him right to the very edge. “Sir, I am close!” He moaned out.

“Come for me, baby!” (Y/N) moaned out as Kyle clenched around him, Kyle pushed himself right over the edge, covering his chest in cum. 

(Y/N) thrusted in a few more times before cuming as well. He pulled away with heavy breaths and left the bed. (Y/N) took the condom off, tied it off, and threw it out before wiping himself off. He dropped his pants but kept his underwear on. He grabbed some tissue paper and cleaned Kyle off with a slight hum. “You did so well for me, how do you feel?” 

“Like I am in heaven, as always. The aftercare really is something you put thought into.” Kyle said before grabbing the glass of water (Y/N) offered him. He sat up. “I will go to my own bed. But this was nice, good, if you ever want to do it again, we can.” With that Kyle stood. (Y/N) helped him gather his clothes before watching him leave, leaving (Y/N) all alone again. He laid back on the bed and sighed. He wouldn’t be able to sleep anytime soon and laying in bed all night wouldn’t help him. 

(Y/N) sighed again before taking a long and scolding shower, his skin screamed at him. Though (Y/N) ignored it. He got dressed in workout clothes before going down into the basement where they had facilities. No one else was around. (Y/N) propped music into his ears before starting to train away any thoughts, feelings or emotions he had. 

He was a stranger in a strange land, he had no one. The one person he desired or could see himself working well with had flat-out said they shouldn’t be together, it pissed (Y/N) off but he wasn’t a monster, no matter how much he wished he could just force himself to become one, he just couldn’t. Sure, he could kill anyone if given the chance, with no remorse, he had done so in the past and would do so in the future, but rape? No. That was where he drew a very hard line. He knew it was used as a measurement of control by the military around the world, but he despised those creatures who had to resort to such barbaric methods to instil fear.

No, reputation should proceed you. He cared not for the war crimes of soldiers, especially not the ones who had fun committing those crimes, they were the true monsters. Monsters he would gladly have hunted down, had he not been called in by his father. 

(Y/N) didn’t sleep that night, but did end up running for the better part of 4 hours, by the time Simon found him, (Y/N) was lifting weights that could impress even the most trained. “Your father requests that you meet him in an hour.” Ghost said, gaining no response, he noticed the headphones and sighed. He threw a pen and managed to hit (Y/N) in the back of the head. 

(Y/N) placed the weights back, as one should always do, before looking at Simon. “What?” 

“Meeting in an hour, with your father.” Ghost said. 

“Ah, thank you… what time is it?” 

Ghost paused. “It’s six in the morning.” He finally said. 

“.... Thank you, Ghost.” (Y/N) walked right past him and upstairs, not lingering for even a second too long. He was tired, exhausted and generally just smashed to bits. Yet he showered and got dressed before heading for the kitchen, fully ignoring the way Ghost was following him. 

(Y/N) definitely wasn’t (read he was) swaying his hips just a tad more than he normally would and he definitely wasn’t (again, read he was) aware Ghost had his eyes only on (Y/N). (Y/N) wasn’t petty (yes he was), but he knew he couldn’t go on like this forever, yet he knew no one would ever compare to Simon, no one would ever get that close to him nor would ever get that close to becoming his equal. 

He grabbed something quick from the kitchen, fully aware Ghost was acting like his shadow. (Y/N) looked at Ghost before taking a bite of the apple, a drop of crisp juice ran down his chin, (Y/N) grabbed it with his thumb and made eye contact with Ghost before he licked the drop away. (Y/N) wasn’t hiding the fact he saw just how hard Ghost got, a small smirk fell over his face as (Y/N) finally looked away and kept eating the food he had very quickly thrown together. 

(Y/N) kept his eyes on the clock, mentally keeping track of the slow hour before packing the things away and making his way to his father's office, he knocked and walked in with Ghost, not waiting to be told he could come in. 

A blonde average-looking man around Ghost’s age was sitting in a police uniform in one of the chairs next to a larger bald man who was easily in his 60’s if not older. “(Y/N), this is Chief of Police Shepherds and Lieutenant Graves. Graves here is the current leader of the Shadow Unit who works beneath us, our police enforcers.” Price said. 

“A pleasure to meet you, (Y/N) Price.” Shepherds stood up and held his hand out. 

(Y/N) gave his classical dashing smile and shook his hand. “Chief Shepherds, the pleasure is all mine.” (Y/N) said with a chuckle. He turned to the Lieutenant and held his hand out. Graves stood up and swallowed hard before shaking (Y/N)’s hand. “Lieutenant.” (Y/N) said, his voice dropping an octave. 

Price leaned back in his chair, perhaps there was something to what Ghost had said about (Y/N). 

“It’s a pleasure, sir.” Graves finally said. “I hope to work closely with you.” 

“Oh don’t worry Lieutenant, I am sure we will be very, very close.” (Y/N) said. 

Price couldn’t stop himself from admitting (Y/N) was damn effective in getting people to like him. It was a dangerous quality; he had originally fallen completely and utterly in love with Viper, (Y/N) really was his mother's son. He couldn’t fault Simon for falling in love with (Y/N), especially seeing (Y/N) work Graves so quickly, Graves was like putty in his hands. Price glanced at Ghost and sighed before giving him an acknowledging nod. 

(Y/N) stood behind Graves, hands on his shoulders, Graves looked like he was trying his hardest not to combust on the spot. “Is this how I find out you want me to work with the shadow unit?” 

“Yes, it’s an easy first task and they will report directly to you, Graves hand-picked everyone, all are on our payroll.” Price said. “You will tell me what happens if it’s massive, otherwise you have Gaz and Ghost who know the ins and outs very well when it comes to that, they will help you when it comes to what we usually do. If you need a second opinion, always come to me.” Price finished with. 

“Of course, father.” (Y/N) said with a nod. He squeezed Graves's shoulders and looked down at him with a smirk. “Sounds like we have to become very good friends.” 

“Of course, Sir.” Graves said. He stood up with Shepherds who bid them all goodbye. (Y/N) sat down and looked towards his father. “I am not sleeping with Graves.” 

“I don’t think you need to, he is already enchanted by you. I don’t know how you do it, but I know your mother is the same.” Price sighed. “I both hate it and I know how useful it can be.” 

(Y/N) chuckled. “It is a very useful gift, Mother didn’t even have to try to teach me. According to Grandmama, it runs in the family.” 

“The ability to enchant and seduce anything that lays eyes on us.” (Y/N) closed his eyes and hummed. “Using my body has always just come easy for me.” 

“You know you don’t have to do that, right?” Price asked. 

(Y/N) opened a single eye and looked towards Price. “What do you mean?” 

Price leaned on the table and looked at (Y/N) intently. “You don’t have to sleep with anyone you don’t want to, just to gain their trust. It is important to me that you know that?” 

“Yes?” (Y/N) sat properly in the chair. “Why wouldn’t I know that?” 

“(Y/N)... Have you ever enjoyed sex in the last decade?” Ghost asked. 

“I…. well a time or two.” (Y/N) said before standing. “I have to go, I need to talk to Gaz.” (Y/N) left the room, leaving Ghost and Price alone. 

“... I can’t fault you for making the mistake that I have made.” Price said and stood up. He walked over to the cigar case and opened it. He took one out and walked over to Ghost and held it out. “Make him happy.” 

tag list:

@one-green-frog @rasberry-jupiter

I do have reqeusts open, look at the pinned post for answers, I am more then happy to explain further if needed.

[beacarrot]

Hanged.

My favorite songs are those I wrote about myself,

My favorite manuscripts are those where I demean myself while praising myself,

Quick to encode my confessions in Latin,

I loathe how the world extinguishes my flame and my passion,

Crushing all signs of devotion,

My high school physics teacher once said almost with emotion:

"This is a lie, we're adrift in ignorance wide."

Misinterpreted as arrogance, some might surmise,

It’s not just about me,

Let it be as egocentric as it wants,

But what if it is?

I lift my chin, thinking I’m the one wise,

Laughing in their faces, as my truth defies,

Metaphors and quotes confined to madness,

Anonymous dreamers lost in their sadness,

Seeking something to hold on my hands, to escape this mess,

As an aspiring poet, in intoxicated distress.

In my inquiries, nostalgia, frustrations,

On a torn screen, with car engine vibrations,

In a city part executed, the sky's blue hue,

My cold hand, always stuck in a time I knew.

I’m bitter, but who really cares about that bitter?

Maybe the sane live in a different place,

Lost in a trance, losing lyrical grace,

Stuck in one sound, without a trace,

I’m shattered, but I swear, I’m fine,

Dealing well with pieces that entwine,

Trying to step without blood’s design,

In a hall where echoes define.

Everything looks so beautiful, so bright,

I’m a great strategist, thanks, though out of sight,

Thinking, planning, putting it right,

Choosing the lowest path in the fight.

But I cried softly when they were blind,

Everyone seems so well, yet I’m confined,

Is this just my lens or a vision aligned?

Do they cry when I’m not watching?

They say I have a tough kid face,

And they’re right, I deeply embrace the race,

Where I grew up, it was a deadly chase,

Had stories as a crying girl in that place,

But questions still race,

Am I the sole owner of despair’s case?

Will they lose their minds when the truth’s trace,

Reveals the crazy ones came close to grace?

Is it marked in some hidden space?

Or just the vision of the hanged's disgrace?

I can pass any test, though pieces are lost,

I wander within purpose, no matter the cost,

Nostalgia chokes in the spooled threads of an unfinished story,

Like Europe in 1600, or something like that,

And maybe I’m so dizzy because things spin solely around me,

And my victimhood dressed as self-understanding is saving my skin as I can see,

Or cutting my veins, where satin swirls.

I lose myself more than I'd like confess,

Letting the present pass, in its distress,

When I aimed and hit, that was my first big success,

No bodies, no artifacts, no excess,

The contract dissolved, and cards express,

Trying to pinpoint who I am, no less,

But how can they, if I’m in this mess?

I’m bitter, but who cares for bitterness’ strain?

What’s pretense and reality’s gain?

How deep is the abyss’s domain?

And how do they entertain the pain?

I’m shattered, but I swear, I’m okay,

Dealing with smashed pieces that lay,

Trying to step through tears that stay,

Everything’s dazzling in disarray.

I’m a great liar, thanks to this role,

Collapsing, I break down on the floor reading the script, then I stroll,

Parading down the middle, on mine goal.

"The Death of the Author," the query so deep,

What was the creator’s intention to keep?

I had to kill that part of me to return for my little me,

I had to leave those plans behind to return to what was truly mine,

Boiling beliefs, youth’s posters heap,

What was my idea of love so steep?

The world changed, and I couldn’t stay,

Am I the only owner of pain?

And I pray,

Will they lose their minds when truths creep?

That the judged was the one who came closest, the one who can peep,

Is it stored in some gallery’s deep?

Or just the vision of the hanged to keep?

Or just the vision of the hanged's disgrace?

Of the hanged one’s perspective unique,

That only me can see?

(I wrote this poem thinking about the automatic way we live our lives. How we often just follow exactly what we have to do and without really looking at what is happening, or how we ignore our feelings, our emotionally and intimately. Because other people's lives always seem perfect, while you lie to support yourself, and everything seems to be about you, it seems like everything only goes wrong for you, but then you realize; this is the hanged man's vision, upside down, not seeing how things really are, and in the end, most of the time, others are also creating a facade to support themselves.)

Signed: Beatriz Ranzonni 🩵.

[shexhulk]

So, so happy

Kastle fic, 2611 words

Hey, guys! 🥰 So, after years without writing any one shots, I found myself having an idea for one. Since I am on my winter break, I got the chance of reading so many marvelous and well written Kastle fics, and they gave me inspiration I needed to write this. I am so happy I actually wrote something after so long. It is great to know adult life did not manage to kill one of my favorite hobbies 🤧 So, there you go! I hope you guys like it!

So, so happy

It’s been one week since they had shared their first kiss.

But it felt like decades, centuries even.

To look at him, lock her pale blue-sky eyes with his deep brown gaze and to not replay in her mind the exact moment when she finally got to get lost in his world trough his lips was an impossible task. And to not put her arms around his neck and seal their fate once again when he was finally there again, in front of her, so close, was torture.

*** 

A week ago, they were in the same living room. Her living room. They were having one of those patch up meetings they had had many times before – Karen would clean up his bleeding wounds sitting beside him, while he would sit on the couch, contemplating her features. When she got to meet his eyes with hers, she clucked.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” She knew exactly why. “Afraid you’re going to forget what I look like?”

He would never. He could never.

This patch up meetings did not happen because he physically needed to. He could patch him up by himself most times, but since Karen insisted that she helped him when he got a little bit too much hurt, he – stubbornly – took the chance to make those moments a way for him to not only see and be with her, but to memorize her. Memorize the way she frowned and bit her lip when she would take care of him, fingers so light and eyes so focused. Memorize her smile when she would say she finished her care and the way her eyes would supplicate for him to stay a little bit longer after he would announce he was living. Memorize her sight of relief when he would accept her offer, and how she would walk, almost glide to the kitchen to make him coffee even though it was deep in the middle of the night.

“And… that’s it. All done!” she smiled, putting the first aid kit items left on the center table. Then, she leaned backwards, resting her back on the couch.

‘You take such good care of me.” He let it slip out of his mouth.

Karen chuckled and blushed, saying “I’m happy to.”.

Frank watched her play with her hair, then, his eyes wandered away, saying:

“Y’know, sometimes I wish to get hurt when I’m out there. Not in a weird way, it’s just��” he took a deep breath. “I get to see you after.”.

Karen formed a small smile on her copper rose lips. How he wished he could kiss her right now.

“You know you don’t need to get hurt to see me.” She said, eyes still locked on him. “You could just... come.”

Frank smiled, meeting his eyes with hers.

“I know, I guess what I’m trying to say it’s… I’m happy when I’m here.”.

Karen sat back straight, moving her body closer to Frank’s. She put her hand on his and smiled. Frank could feel his body shivering by the touch of her pale skin against his.

“I’m happy when you’re here too.”.

In an inexplicable urge – one he felt many times, but never had the courage to act upon it – Frank made the decision to make his wish come true. The wish of kissing Karen’s lips, when he put his hands on the back of her neck, bringing her closer and brushing his lips on hers. The kiss was filled with passion and desire, but still gentle. Karen kissed him back, cupping his face with her hands. He could not believe he finally had the courage to do what he was wanting to for so long. She tasted like nothing he has ever tasted before, and it was good, so good. Great. Fucking spectacular. The kiss developed into something rougher, their hands already losing control through each other’s bodies. Frank laid Karen on the couch, staying on top of her. Damn, he wanted her. So, so bad. His body was already giving all signs.

He moved his lips to her jawline and then to her neck, leaving a trail of open kisses which made Karen moan. He stopped for a moment, gazing at Karen’s eyes. How beautiful she was. How lucky he was. To have her in his life. To be able to get lost in those misty-blue eyes. To, finally, kiss her. In no time, he got back into kissing her passionately, their tongues, bodies and heart beats in unison. Frank started to unbutton Karen’s navy-blue blouse, while leaving kisses on her chest skin. Karen’s breathing deepened with each kiss, gasping for air. When Frank finished what seemed a long war against her blouse buttons, her chest and belly were exposed, along with her laced baby pink bra. He kissed her chest again, moving up to the crook of her neck, then to her jawline and back to her mouth again.

But then, her phone rang. That fucking ringtone blaring on the center table, stopping. their rhythm. Karen broke the kiss, while Frank rested his forehead on hers. Their breaths were shaky, but still longing for so much more.

“I’m afraid I have to take this.” Karen said. “I’m sorry.”

“Go ahead.” Frank said, starting to move away to give Karen space.

“No!” Karen frowned, stopping Frank’s body with one arm while the other reached for her phone. “Don’t leave just yet.”.

Karen answered the phone, saying ‘uh-uhs’ from time to time and replying with short or one-worded sentences. Frank stayed there, on top of her, watching her talking on the phone, memorizing her. When Karen said goodbye, she hanged up the phone rolling her eyes.

“That was Foggy. Ugh!” she said.

“What’s wrong with Foggy?” Frank laughed.

“Nothing wrong with him, but with what I need to do.” She replied. Then, she went on to explain how Foggy needed her at the office as soon as possible, so they could deal with an urgent client’s problem.

Ugh indeed. But those situations were one of the downsides of Karen’s job, and that was the way it was. Frank took a deep breath and caressed her cheek.

“No big deal.” Was all he could answer, although it felt like it was.

Karen pressed her lips on his gently, bringing their bodies even closer.

“I have to go, but I want… this… to continue.” She said almost in a whisper. “Don’t you dare wait to get hurt to come here again. Just come. Or I can meet you.”

“Yes, ma’am.” He agreed, kissing her lips gently one more time, before they undid their couch positions and she left open-bloused and flushed to her room.

Gosh, she was gorgeous.

He sat on the couch, looking defeated, but still with a smile on his lips. He got himself together before standing up and getting his things from the living room’s floor so he could leave Karen’s apartment.

“Bye, Frank.” She turned around before entering her bedroom, revealing a shy smile on her lips.

“Bye, Karen.”.

He was so, so happy.

*** 

But in classic straight men’s fashion, he dared.

He dared to wait to get hurt again so he could meet her in her apartment.

Karen was pissed. No, she was fucking furious.

This situation tackled her anxiety and self-steam issues. It’s not like he ghosted her or anything of the sorts. They had talked through phone messages throughout the week – cute messages even – but nothing about what happened. Or about the fact that he agreed to visit her again. She did not want to push him or anything, and she was damn too proud to ask him to come. She already asked what needed to be asked. But still, he dared to let one week pass. Even though a week may not seem like a long time, after that kiss – or make out session, to be more precise – time seemed to pass so slowly. Work, writing for the Bulletin, conversations with Foggy and Matt, casual walks to get coffee, everything, everything, went by so slowly over that one week because of the urge, of the longing of seeing him again. Of touching him again. Of kissing him again. Of… for the first time with him.

Ugh, Foggy! He just could not wait a few minutes more to make that call. Maybe, no, just 30 minutes more. Maybe an hour? Two?

Karen took a deep breath trying to send those thoughts away from her mind. She got her focus back into cleaning a wound on Frank’s cheek. They were back on the couch again, going through another patch up meeting. Although they did not talk much on these, this time was a lot more silent. The tension in the air was heavy, gut-wrenching even. But, again, she was furious. And she could tell Frank could feel it. After all, he was truly good at reading others.

“Done.” Karen said dryly, avoiding eye contact and not smiling like she usually did after finishing patching up Frank.

She put the first aid kit items left on the center table and, when she tried to stand up, Frank held her hand and looked at her face, making her stay sit on the couch.

“I’m sorry I waited for me to get hurt to see you again.” He spoke. “You’re pissed. I can feel it.”

Karen looked at him, drowning in those espresso-colored eyes. She and Frank were way more alike than she liked to admit. She wanted to forget she was mad, to just kiss him and continue from where they left off. But she was stubborn. Stubborn like him.

“I got… fucking hell! I got scared.” He said, admitting his feelings. “Everyone, everyone I love turns into a target. What happened a week ago just made you more of a real one.”

Karen moved her body closer and cupped his face with her hands. She softly placed a kiss on the wound on his cheek.

“It’s too late. I’m all in. You know it.” She spoke firmly, a few inches away from his face. “I’m not going anywhere, so don’t push me away.”

She felt a tear streaming down her face, which Frank tamely wiped away with his thumb.

“I don’t want to push you away.” He said back.

“So don’t.” Karen spoke, switching her gaze from his brown eyes to his dusty rose lips.

And then, Karen complied to her mind’s most profound wishes, by sloppily brushing her lips on his, feeding the hunger left in her for the past week. Frank wasted no time in kissing her back, putting his hands on her waist, bringing her closer to him. Taking the control, Karen got up and sat on top of him, putting her hands on the back of his head, pulling his hair as she kissed him harder. Then, she felt an unusual tickle around her mouth, which made her scape a chuckle from her lips.

“What is it?” Frank asked.

“I think it’s your beard.” She answered, moving her hands through the newly grown hairs on his shaved beard that weren’t there last week. “It tickles.”

Frank took that line as an opportunity to kiss the crook of her neck, going down to her chest. This time, she made sure she prepared herself with simpler pieces of clothing than last time’s, which proved to be a smart idea, since Frank took off her tight-fitting shirt in a matter of a second. This left way to Frank place sloppy, open kisses to the bare parts of her chest and belly. She giggled at feeling of his beard on her pale skin, which made him chuckle as well. Then, he got back to kissing her lips again, tongues dancing to the rhythm of their heartbeats. A few moments later, Frank broke the kiss, brushing his nose against hers.

“Did you leave your phone on silent mode?” Frank joked.

Karen nodded, laughing at his silly question. She kissed him one more time, before they broke the kiss apart, gasping for air.

“Can we continue from where we left off?” he asked, looking her deep in her eyes. The way he looked at her made her shiver, in the best way.

She replied to the question in the best way she could, which was going back at kissing his lips. She could feel how Frank wanted her and damn, she wanted him too. She needed him too. Frank stood up, making Karen embrace his body with her arms and legs. Without breaking the kiss, they went straight to her bedroom. She was too deep into that moment that she didn’t even question how well and fast Frank knew in which direction to go.

He laid Karen’s body on the bed softly, then taking a little bit of time to take his clothes off. She did the same to remaining of hers, throwing them on the bedroom’s floor. In a matter of a few instants, he was on top of her, kissing her roughly in the lips as he intertwined his fingers with hers. Karen felt her body burning with desire as he moved his lips to her jawline, then to her neck, then to her chest and breasts. One hand cupped one breast as he sucked the other’s nipple. Karen moaned with pleasure, which made her eyes shut. Then, she felt his trail of kisses from her belly to her inner thigh, which made her back arch. He left little kisses and bites, before looking at her face one more time. In a matter of seconds, his tongue met her depths, making her moan his name. This seemed to make Frank express his hunger even more, making Karen feel how close she was to her apex.

“Frank, I-I need you.” She said, in short breaths.

He knew exactly what she meant by those words. But, before he complied, he left a trail of kisses from her belly to her jawline, arriving on her copper lips, kissing her with passion, desire and love. Oh, she was feeling so much love.

With her legs around his body and her hands on his firm back muscles, Frank’s eyes deeply met hers as she felt his length inside her. She moaned as he slowly thrusted into her. He moaned as he fastened the rhythm, brushing his lips sloppily against hers. She never had anyone like him before. It was good, so good. Great. Fucking spectacular.

As they were both lost in each other, their bodies the closest they could ever be, Frank said:

“I love you, Karen.”

Karen reached her apex, and Frank soon followed her. Panting breaths filled up the room when she pecked his lips.

“I love you too, Frank.”

And they kissed a little bit more, before cuddling below Karen’s old, yet cleaned sheets.

Frank placed soft kisses on her shoulder.

“I’m afraid the short hairs on my beard are going to leave you scratched.” He chuckled. “I’m sorry.”

“I don’t care.” Karen replied. “I will be happily scratched if that means doing this.”

Frank laughed, placing kisses on the crook of her neck.

Before closing their eyes to sleep, Frank, still holding Karen close, naked below the sheets, wished:

 “G’night, Karen.”

“Goodnight, Frank.”.

She was so, so happy.

*** 

It was early morning, and the young rays of sunshine dim lit the bedroom. They were still laying on the bed. Frank finger-traced the little scratch lines on Karen’s pale skin, as she observed the movement of his fingers, half-asleep. And, at the same time, they giggled at the memory of how these lines were sketched on her body.

They were so, so happy.

[didyoutrydynamite]

The first few songs is everyone getting their anger out on each other or close to that. At least that is what it seems like it is heading. Correct me if I am wrong.

So if I remember correctly, all the songs in the Musical are taken straight from real life musicals.

The first one is when Renegades are given a quick job to get the singing drunk off the roof of the bar. The team walks out to see much to their confusion a sight of Piper Hamilton singing a whole soliloquy with full backing sound track emanating from seemingly nowhere.

The song for this is the main singing part of Invisible/On the Roof from Beetlejuice the Musical:

The second song is when Jaune pretty much coaxes the drunk off the roof. Piper explains that he was a big deal once, had great big dreams that are now shattered thanks to his former partner. Jaune tries to empathize with him and let him know that everyone has dreams and that he should keep going for it! Piper sarcastically asks what Jaune's big dreams were, flicks him in the forehead, activating his Semblance and sending Jaune into singing Go the Distance from Hercules:

After that sight, the Renegades sit down and talk with Piper about what his deal is, revealing that Piper wants to get back into show business, but needs to show that his Semblance can bring out the real passion in people and not to be afraid of the TRUTH! Jaune of course being the bleeding heart he is volunteers Renegade's help and gets him back to his town. Once there, Piper says he needs someone willing to reveal their raw emotions, the things that make them just want to yell at the world. Cinder and Adam are of course already hating this whole musical bullshit and refuse, while Jaune who originally wanted to help is now having second thoughts about singing his "raw emotions" especially with Cinder in the same room. Neo pretty much shrugs and volunteers, prompting Jaune to try and interject, knowing the kind of loose cannon she can be and pointing out she's mute any ways. This of course pisses off Neo and she make Piper use his Semblance, prompting her to audibly sing Dead Mom from the Beetle Juice Musical or in Renegade's Version: Dead Boss. I'll post the edited lyrics below so you can read along as you listen to the music.

Dead Boss

Hey boss, dead boss I need a little help here I'm prob'ly talking to myself here But dead boss, I gotta ask Are you really in the ground? 'Cause I feel you all around me Are you here, dead boss? Dead boss Dead boss I'm tired of trying to iron out my creases I'm a bunch of broken pieces It was you who made me whole Every day Jaune's staring at me Like all, "Hurry up, get happy Move along Forget about your boss" 'Cause Blondie's in denial Blondie doesn't wanna feel He wants me to smile And clap like a performing seal Ignored it for a while But Blondie's lost his mind for real You won't believe the mess that we've become You're my home My destination And I'm your clone Your strange creation You held my hand And life came easy Now jokes don't land And no one sees me Nothing seems to fit Roman is this it? Are you receiving? I want something to believe in or I'm done Take me where my soul can run or I'll lay down defeated Wake me when I'm dead and gone Blondie's moving forward Blondie didn't lose a boss Roman won't you send a sign? I'm running out of hope and time A plague of mice, a lightning strike Or drop a gigantic bomb No more playing Blondie's game I'll go insane if things don't change Whatever it takes to make him say your name Dead boss

[hiddenwashington]

the vampire diaries quote meme

"I can't imagine my life without you."

"When someone sees you as something to hold onto, they don't wanna let go."

"You're better than this, name. You're better than him."

"I've been a terrible friend to you. I know that. But I am going to be a better one now."

"I wanted to thank you for giving me everything I always wanted."

"There's nothing more I could ever want than for it to last forever, but it can't."

"I can't lose you. Because if I ever did, I'd have lost myself."

"The problem, is that when I lose control, bad things happen."

"The day you stop looking back, is the day you start moving on."

"What's so special about this girl?"

"I'm not a believer in love at first sight. But I believe in taking chances."

"People change, feelings fade, and things go wrong, but just remember, life goes on."

"In the end, when you lose somebody, every candle, every prayer is not gonna make up for the fact that the only thing you have left is a hole in your life where that somebody that you cared about used to be."

"You don't know what I look like when I'm not in love with you."

"Love makes you weak."

"I'm not human, and I miss it. I miss it more than anything in the world."

"I love you. And it's because I love you that I can't be selfish with you."

"You want a love that consumes you."

"You want passion and adventure, and even a little danger."

"I am not sorry that I'm in love with you."

"You and I, we've been through everything together. You're my best friend."

"The worst day of loving someone is the day that you lose them."

"I'm not a hero. I don't do good. It's not in me."

"It's not the goodbye that hurts, it's the flashbacks that follow."

"Dear Diary, a chipmunk asked me my name today. I told him it was Joe. That lie, will haunt me, forever."

[anli-rambles]

ADHD is ✨quirky and cute✨ until it ruins your relationships with others over bs you have no control over. I have time blindness, and while I'm very good at estimating how long it's going to take me to do something or go somewhere, I'm almost always late to meetings and appointments and sometimes even work because I can blink and 10 minutes have passed somehow. I once ended up in the hospital after passing out because I was so hyperfocused on a passion project that I forgot to eat, drink or sleep for 36 hours straight and I only stopped when my body collapsed.

I've lost friends because I'm 'too much to handle' and 'too intense'. Yes, I talk and ramble a lot. Very often about the same thing. No, I don't always realize that it's overwhelming for you. If you don't tell me then I might never notice until you snap at me, and by then it's already too late. I can't learn or work the same way you do. I have horrible object permanence and will forget to do or bring something if it's out of my sight for too long. And no, I can't just "try harder"; my brain is literally wired differently. I can't will the ADHD away.

I have horrible insomnia because my brain just won't shut up. I have to write all of them down first just so I can go to sleep, and sometimes that takes hours. I say things that often get me into trouble because in the moment I don't realize that other people can interpret it in a way I don't mean. It makes me feel like a fucking alien most of the time because it always feels like I just don't fit in. If I can't work with other people, if I can't keep a single friendship because I'm too much to handle, then what the fuck am I even meant for ?

Not to mention that people will treat you like you're dumb, or make you feel like you are in general. I know it's frustrating that you have to repeat yourself every single time. Trust me, I know. I have those talks with myself ALL. THE. TIME. Do you think I like not being able to do normal people things ? Do you think I like being forgetful and disappointing people ? Because I sure as hell fucking don't. It makes me feel awful about myself and it's depressing as hell. Not to mention how lonely it gets.

I don't expect people to cater to me cuz it doesn't matter either way. In one scenario, I'm a burden because you have to adapt and do extra work to deal with me. In the other, I'm also a burden because I can't get shit done. It's a lose-lose situation no matter what you or I do.

ADHD isn't only about not being able to pay attention in class or sit in place for too long. It affects actual adults in massive ways, and no, you don't just "grow out of it". Medication helps but it's temporary, when the effects wear off I can't even keep focus long enough to watch a 30-minute episode of a show I like in its entirety. ADHD can be seriously debilitating and I'm tired of people acting like it's not. And every time I voice my frustrations, I always get the same answer : "stop using your ADHD as an excuse for being lazy". ADHD isn't an excuse, it's a DISABILITY. You wouldn't tell a paraplegic person that they can't use being paraplegic as an excuse for not climbing Mount Everest. No amount of willpower will get their legs to work just like it won't make my ADHD go away.

Like I know we all love making ADHD seem cool but like, don't forget it's actually a disability? My ADHD is bad enough I've nearly been evicted for forgetting to mail the rent check to the property manager, I've forgotten to pay the utility bills and had my water or power get turned off or had to pay fines bcs I missed a credit card payment. Once I was supposed to cat sit for a friend and I lost the house key she gave me but didn't realize until she was already out of town, and she had to call the apartment office to get someone to give me the spare so her cats would have food for the week. When I'm unmedicated I can't even get myself to shower half the time, forget eating or cleaning. Before I started living with my fiance I'd just like, not eat for days because I didn't have anyone to remind me to eat or go buy me food. I've forgotten to turn the stove off so many times and ruined kettles and tbh been DAMN fucking lucky the house didn't burn down. I've done stupid, impulsive shit that's nearly gotten me KILLED. I can't remember to close the shower curtain reliably even through my fiance points out every single time I forget, and he's almost out of soap rn bcs for the last MONTH neither of us have been able to remember to order more once we get out of the shower.

I've had such bad memory my entire life that to this day someone suggesting I forgot something because I simply didn't care enough is a legitimate trigger that, in the worst cases, makes me have a breakdown.

I get that for some of you this is just something that makes studying hard or you forget to take a pee break when you're playing Minecraft or whatever, that's still a valid struggle and you do deserve help and understanding, but like, ADHD is a disability. It's disabling. It's not impossible to improve and learn coping skills, meds help a lot, there are great accommodations out there(LIKE CLEANING SERVICES), but not every case of ADHD is the same, and a lot of them are pretty ugly ngl, and just because you managed to do something doesn't mean someone else is gonna be able to manage it too, or that they're being lazy for struggling. And that obviously doesn't mean ADHD people have a free pass to never work on themselves and make everyone cater to their every need or whatever, but we do deserve some understanding when we explain that our disability is actually disabling in ways that aren't palatable to you. So like, idk, maybe don't immediately recoil in horror when you find out that someone with ADHD can't keep their house clean. And for fucks sake don't ridicule them for it.

[sad-poets-society]

I was and always will be Galinda thinking I am an elphie.

I'm not first act Galinda. Im not popular and beautiful and I was never truly mean. However, I am Defying Gravity Glinda. No matter what I have been through, I have always and will always choose the path thats expected and reliable.

I'd love to be an Act One and even beginning of Act Two Elphaba. The one who cant control her temper because she is so passionate about things and people. I put on a good show. I basically walk around painted green, hoping no one will see the flakes where the paint is cracked or see the pink shining through.

Im a people pleaser. Even when I act rebellious or passionate, it is still within the path predestined for me.

I think I was Galinda long before I knew who she was. I was the little princess that "rebelled" here and there. But it was always within the confines of the grey area. I could essily tip back to the white, pure and innocent. It was there, in the grey that I say I was pushed over to the black. I danced through the grey and out of nowhere was thrust to the evil side. I came out bruised and beaten and I now walk through the white side leaving stains on every surface i touch. Galinda goes from loving Elphie with her whole being to not only allowing people to talk about about her, but joins in calling her wicked. Did she have wicked tendencies? Sure. But rather than show the people she could be kind and caring, she feed in to the illusion until it became delusion. Then it became reality. Because reality is only what the person that comes out on top makes it.

"Are people born wicked, or do they have wickedness thrust upon them?"

I don't know. Depends on if I'm the Good witch or the wicked one.

"Goodness knows the wicked cry alone."

That's me.

"Life's more painless for the brainless, why think too hard when it's so soothing dancing through life?"

This one defines my 2021 and 2022.

"Nothing matters but knowing nothing matters"

So does this.

"Those who don't try never look foolish"

This defines my whole life.

"No uh it's because uh because you are so beautiful"

My people pleasing landing me in a shituation just like good ol Boq.

"Ive decided to make you my new project"

Me trying to make the best of the shituation while dancing on the line.

"Dont dream too far don't lose sight of who you are. Dont remember that rush of joy. He could be that boy. Im not that girl. Every so often we long to steal to the land of what might have been but that doesn't soften the ache we feel when reality sets back in."

Me being coerced/convinced I deserved more and better.

"I hope you're proud how you would grovel in submission."

My brain to me.

"Can't I make you understand you're having delusions of grandeur."

Her to me.

"Too long I've been afraid of losing love i guess I've lost."

Me trusting her intentions were pure.

"I hope youre happy now that you're choosing this. I hope it brings you bliss. I really hope you get it and you don't live to regret it."

How I imagine a conversation would have gone if we'd had one and I hadn't been the coward that just quit responding with no explanation.

"Everyday more wicked. Spreading fear wherever she goes. Seeking out new victims she can hurt."

Me allowing her to be the bad guy makes me the bad guy.

"There are bridges you cross you didn't know you'd cross until you've crossed."

More evidence I was the bad guy.

"I never asked for this or planned it in advance. I was merely blown here by the winds of chance."

The timing.

"I never saw myself as a Solomon or a Socrates. I knew who I was. One of your dime a dozen mediocrities. Then suddenly I'm here respected. Worshipped even. Does it surprise you i got hooked and all too soon?"

Me rationalizing my fall into the delusional state that ruined my sense of self. We'll what little sense of self I had.

"A man's called a traitor or liberator. A rich man's a thief or philanthropist. Is one a crusader or ruthless invader? It's all in which label is more able to persist."

Me making sure everyone who knew us agreed she was the bad and I was the good. My brain flipping between the two and changing my perception of reality daily.

"I've lost all resistance and crossed a borderline... For the first time I feel wicked."

Did I cross the borderline or did she? Will I ever know?

"One question haunts and hurts too much to mention. Was I really seeking good or just seeking attention?"

Me @ my relationship with therapy, medication, other people, mentors, friendships

"Ive heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason bringing something we must learn and we are led to those who help us most to grow if we let them and we help them in return. I don't know if i believe that's true but I know I'm who I am today because I knew you. Who can say if I've been changed for the better. Because I knew you I have been changed for good."

The pros and cons list has been left blank. She changed me permanently. Did she help me to grow? Did I only hurt or did I help? I don't know who I am and I know that who I am is a shell or who I should be. Is it my fault or hers? Either way, it's permanent.

Was she wicked? Or did I thrust wickedness upon her?

Am I the one that people trust and follow and think has good intentions? The one people think came out as the victim of a person's unfortunate descent into insanity

when in reality I allowed her to lead me to the edge and pushed her so I wouldn't have to jump?

Or am I the one willing to jump for the things I care about? The one willing to tell the people who's opinions I care about to fuck off if they cross a line? The one who led an innocent person to the brink knowing I'd leave them behind to take the fall so that I could be free?

Did I knowingly walk the tightrope until it was no longer convienent and then fly off into delululand to avoid responsibility with good intentions and poor follow through or did someone manipulative push me off the edge to this land of delusion vs reality where I'm forced to create a story that explains why we don't speak?

Am I good or bad? Am I right or wrong? Did I conjure up an entire personality and story to explain her away and come out mentally unscathed? Or did I conjure up an entire personality and story to explain myself away and come out physically unscathed? Will I ever know?

[fluffyseal322]

“An appearance of 666 reminds us that we humans can become too wrapped up in our “problems” and lose sight of what’s really important to us and in life in general. If 666 appears in your path, it is a divine nudge of redirection. You might be over-focusing on something trivial to the point that you’re losing sight of what’s really most important. Take note of when and where you saw the angel number. This could lend insight into the area of your life that needs refocusing. If you keep seeing 666 while you’re stressed out about a certain friend, it could be a sign that you’re not remembering the bigger lesson of relationships is to learn and grow alongside someone—not to dwell on issues but to remember that even the issues are all part of the process.

What does 666 mean in love?

In love, angle number 666 is an omen that you have become tangled in the fantasies or dramas of romance, instead of remembering that love requires a little bit of effort each day. Love grows over time and requires nurturing and a true sense of devotion to the person you’re with. Rekindle your passion for being there consistently for the other person, without getting carried away into the future or hung up on the past.”

I have been really stressed lately because of Azrael. Ever since we hung out for the very first time on October 11, I’ve been anxious on an extreme level. I’ve taken every single action of his to heart. I’ve taken actions that he didn’t do to heart. Actions that you wouldn’t really think much of if it’s on a mutual friendly level. My heart was open and my love spilled everywhere that day. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed his company so much! So, so much that I long for more time. I am grateful the universe gave me that opportunity and it truly is a blessing to feel and see that connection with my lifentity. But now that I’ve finally received all that I’ve longed for. I’ve learned everything I’ve needed to, what do I do with this information now? What do I do with myself? I need to become busy again and spend time with myself. Reconnect with myself. I’ve almost forgotten why Ive sought out god, I’ve almost forgotten how important my best friend is to me, I’ve completely forgotten why I wanted to learn Japanese in the first place and I’ve lost motivation to do things I loved. I’ve almost stripped myself away from myself again. I’m so glad I didn’t but why do I do this? How do I stop myself from losing myself completely? If I went head first into any relationship, I would’ve lost myself again… started from day one. I’m sure of it. I thank my lifentity for showing me this and I thank god for giving me strength and the eyes to notice this. Now this is a problem I must fix. And I do have to add, my mentality started getting worse when he’d cancel plans and every action just felt like an excuse to get farther and farther away from me. And I’m not even sure at all if that really was the case but that definitely was my reality for a short few days. How can I say I love myself when this is a very damaging habit towards me and the person I love.

This is a moment of: “If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it’s yours. If it doesn’t, it never was.” This is not the time and place for him to receive love by me just yet. He’s seen all that I am capable of and how my soul truly is, it’s only a matter of if he actually took an effort to notice this and if he wants a love like that. I must remind myself though, his intentions must be in its purest form as I am an over thinker. I can’t let myself love someone if I am not sure if their intentions are pure. This whole process definitely was tedious and hard for me, I’m not sure if I can do this again nor do I want to. It’s hard, maybe I’m not as patient as I thought I was. I hope that there is someone out there who has been working hard on themselves so their person would have to burden much suffers of a relationship(just like me).

Recently my mind has felt so heavy. It feels like I’m trying to run away from the burdens attached to my ankles. Everyday I wake up drained, with no real purpose anymore. I stay awake looking for distractions from my own mind. I smoke heavier to forget the pain of it all and to feel like a complete new person just for a moment. Just to come back to my senses and realize everything is still the same with no real solution. I had only gotten cheap solution that wasn’t a solution at all. I was avoiding, distracting, running all just so I didn’t have to think about or feel that hole I put inside myself. It was all my doing. I opened myself up to him, I silently attached parts of myself that he seemed to like, and once the day was over I let him leave with love still attached to him and expected nothing in return. I never wanted anything back but at the same time, I hoped for anything in return. I’m not mad at him for giving me nothing while I gave him everything I could. I wanted to and I did. I’m happy I got to love him in person. But I’m more grieving than I am happy and grateful. I miss the parts of me I remember having before becoming closer with him. I miss the chance of telling him how I really feel towards him. Most of all, I miss the chance of understanding how he feels towards me with raw communication and not just by my perception of his tone and body language. Azrael, I do hope you come back to me. I’m sorry if I’d given you any troubles or if you felt pressured at all or even if I’ve given you any bit of stress, I’m so sorry. I do hope you see my worth one day and you’ll come looking for me. But if not, I pray that you find genuine happiness. And I hope the girls that you will choose will be just perfectly made for you. 🩵

[gremlinasis]

25 - On who I am, was or could be.

When I was younger, between 14 and 18 years old, I was to be described in many lonely ways. But not all of them bad. One of the things that defined me was that I was driven by nothing than desire for the future. I was passionate beyond my current comprehension, because what I wanted most dearly in life was to be in love with my day to day.

It faded somewhat during the start of my studies, thinking that I had now set course on what I intended to do, just following through was the next goal. Not to forget as well that I had friends for the first time. I even had a very easy friendship, one that worked without thinking, which to me at that time was something that I had never known.

And I lost sight somewhat of me aside from who I was in those moments. With the small exception that that friendship did at times allow me to verbalize the dreams I already had, and supported me in those ideas, but I still didn't dream up new passions.

When COVID hit, that friendship weaned and I met my ex partner with whom a new relationship formed (which would be the best thing, the most impactful thing and the most devastating thing in the next four years), I lost track of myself completely by running away from the horrors of my own mind in lockdown with my family members that were all losing their minds in their own way.

After the pandemic there was the time of seemingly reaching my goals but having no weight on them anymore. My only dream was to not have a cloudiness in my mind anymore, because I couldn't feel anything truly deeply and forming thoughts unrelated to interaction with others didn't work anymore. The past few years have been defined by a near permanent panic and tense friendships that were no longer easy, not in the way I had known. All while I struggled to focus on my work or even my hobbies.

There is no more me left that spends time with just herself. In a not completely unexpected turn of events I let go of the isolation that defined my youth and by doing so ignored the deep-rooted need to have time to think.

I can spend days on my own, when I do it on purpose, but lately I have looked at time alone as time to do nearly mandated recreational activities. Because sitting alone in silence for several hours isn't exactly considered as healthy, I have disregarded it as an option. And I think that just that is what I need to do to get back to myself.

Yesterday evening and well into the night my mind started spinning off track due to something small that pushed me off my well constructed and usual track. As tends to happen more often as of late. It was the first time in what must be almost five years where I allowed myself to talk into the silence and verbalize the needs that I have and the panic and fear I carry.

I spent time consoling myself over the pain I have been feeling and didn't include anyone else in this and it felt effective. After it I could find rest.

I feel the need now to, sitting at work, to stare into the distance for a little while and find my footing. I may do it for just a little moment.

[lia404]

Hi sorry I know this is incredibly random and you dont know me at all but I was scrolling thru the commets of that one post about taking care of your child-aged self and I saw your rt about staying true to yourself and your interests and how you've managed to build a life from it and it made me burst into tears. I (just into my mid-20s now) have been struggling really hard lately when it comes to seeing payoff for all of the intensive work I've been putting in to allow me to pursue my passions lately and questioning if it's even fair for me to care this much about my interests and to devote so much time to them and just this morning I was genuinely considering calling the last 6 years of effort to build something out of it a wash and giving up entirely. Your addition to that post just gave me so much hope and the strength to keep going, as well as reminding me who I'm doing it for (me!) and that I'm allowed to want more for myself. I'm sorry to dump this on you I'm just so grateful, so from one internet stranger to another, I just want you to know that your words have power and the positivity you put into the world has an impact. I'm going to be kinder to myself today and go into tomorrow head strong with a newfound sense that my aspirations ARE possible, that there's no shame in caring so much about my art and my interests, that i have time still and I just might make it . I hope everything you seek out in the world brings you nothing but joy and only propels you further in life. Thank you again, you're fucking awesome

You know, when I decided I'd try to be more active on Tumblr, I didn't expect this to be the first interaction I'd have. Full disclosure: I had forgotten that anon asks were a thing. That said, THANK YOU ANON. I am really happy it gives you a bit of fuel to go further, we all need and deserve it. Maybe I, too, needed to read this.

I hope you keep this momentum and don't lose sight of what you love and is important for you. Allow yourself to evolve and accept the changes but if you can, avoid trying to force yourself to change.

And if you get lost at some point, remember your inner child is never too far, ready to remind you how much you've already done and how fucking awesome YOU are to them!

[blossomingtoanewme]

It's like I've never felt alive before

Ever since my diagnosis, I've been living in a mist. I've lost sight of who I am and what I stand for. I no longer know my passions.

I have no idea who this version of myself is. I don't know her dreams, aspirations, and what keeps her working hard. This was the first year I didn't set any goals for myself. I usually love to set a ton of goals, so I have something to work towards. This year was different. I didn't. I'm wondering if that's why I'm so lost with myself no.

I stopped trying my best in school. Although, I graduate in a couple of months. I stopped giving anything my all. I've slowly found myself losing myself. I don't know who I am and what I like. I honestly have no motivation to do anything lately.

I stopped having huge goals and I've tried to think realistically. I wonder if the version of myself from two years ago would be mad at me. She worked hard

[the-ball-and-biscuit]

Check, check... is this thing on? It's been some time since I've yelled into this void, but I find myself on a long weekend alone with nowhere else to turn.

It feels like the last few days have really been the last few weeks, which, in actuality, have been the last few months. As it turns out, it's been the last few years. I've felt stuck for so long. I keep feeling as if any passion I have for... anything... is just draining away. I'm losing sight of who I am with nothing sparking my interest.

I feel dreadful because I'm happy with the people around me. I couldn't be more proud to watch everyone flourish. I just proceed to look in a mirror and see a shell of what I once thought about. I've tried to escape the routine, but it keeps coming back. Now, I feel as though I'm losing strength.

I can't shake the bad thoughts. My phone rings less, and my anxiety tells me that it's because everyone sees what I see in myself. When in reality, I know we are growing older with our own struggles and lives to lead. I have so many things I'm thankful for. I feel guilty even feeling this way. But when the darkness comes and the cold creeps in, I can't seem to shake it off of me. I'm at a loss. I haven't felt this type of anger and apathy in a long time, yet everywhere I go, it seems to loom over me. I've lost my strength and I'm afraid to lose anything else. I'm trying to cling on but I'm starting to think maybe that's the wrong approach.

I just keep feeling like I'm failing at everything I do, and fail the people I care most in the process.

So per the usual, here I am yelling into the void. Hoping that tomorrow will be a brighter day.

[summerafterhighschool]

kind of noticed the training progress I made

I remember how it all started. morning runs since I was 11. no reason for that. I just ran "to be pretty". dancing for almost 2 months in the studio when I was 12. it was all for the bighit audition. stretching since I was 13. a way to make myself feel (better) after one of the lowest points in my life. the patience I had to myself was surprising. then dancing again. all by myself. again for the audition, but at that time it became one of my biggest passions alongside w singing. the effort and time I put into that was absolutely crazy. a couple of months later my desire to dance was replaced with the desire to make use of it. in other words, to lose weight. dark. dark times chased me. soon I discovered some fitness channels. can't count how many I'm subscribed to. April Han and Chloe were my sport gurus for a long time. Chloe remains by my side to this day

as hard as it is to say when I lost the sight of happiness dancing gave me, as hard it is to say when the sight of pleasure from working out appeared on my horizon. about 2 years ago I devoted myself to Chloe Ting. none of the other people could satisfy my workout needs. a year ago I started to feel a change coming. I wasn't obsessed with the weight loss process anymore. maybe just a little. I just worked out n dieted sometimes. this year is quite promising. a lot happened. and probably still will. the point is I changed my outlook on doing sports completely. I stopped working out and started thinking. what am I doing. why am I doing it. and not just working out. everything. I thought to myself "working out is great, but what if I add some challenge?". so I decided to add push-ups. 15 push-ups after the first video of a workout. I finished a program. 20 push-ups. same thing. I started looking up to ppl. Iike Bruce Lee. ever since then, I haven't worked out. I trained. there's a lot more I can say and add. however, the main thing is: that I train