#and i also need to be on a higher dosage of meds again. on that dosage im Normal

[toonfinatic]

My OCD is so fucking shit rn

[scientia-rex]

Hello, I appreciate your medical posts very much and having seen a post the other day where you said migraine was in your areas of special interest, I'd love to ask a related question. You talk about bodies and medicine and patient experience etc in a way that makes a lot of sense to me and I'd trust your take.

I have chronic migraine. I'm currently at 100% pain days, with varying severity. Very hard to pin down what is prodrome, the main event, and postdrome as it's all blurred into one. My migraine team want me to reduce painkiller usage (currently dihydrocodeine and paracetamol daily, and ibuprofen maybe every other day on top) due to rebound headache. I want to cut down because they're fucking expensive and I'm scared for my liver and kidneys. But I literally can't cope with life without them. I went off them for four months a few years ago and the pain was so severe and so debilitating I was the most suicidal I've been in my life. Without painkillers I can't get to the toilet unaided, rarely leave bed, even more rare to leave the house. It's hell. And that's not even considering the effects on everyone around me who has to pick up to care for me.

So what do I do? The way I see things, I need something to help the pain improve before I can use less painkillers, but the longer I go on trying to find something that works and not getting there, the more I think maybe I'm wrong in that. I know a bit about how codeine based painkillers can reduce your pain tolerance / pain baseline. I don't think it's an addiction issue because I've been at the same (over the counter) dosages for 4 years now. I just want to do all that I can to be better, but I also need to be alive to be better. I am stuck.

TL;DR - If you have any thoughts on the relationship between chronic migraine, painkiller use, preserving quality of life while finding a treatment, and increasing the chances of a treatment working, and where on earth the balance between all that lies, I'd really like to hear them.

Again, I absolutely appreciate if you can't answer this, don't want to etc. Giving advice online is notoriously tricky and all that. But a big thank you for your time in reading, and all your weight and exercise posts especially which make me feel so much better about my body. Wishing you all good things! 💖

I won't speak to your case directly, since I'm not your doctor, but here is my personal algorithm for escalating treatments for migraine (note that "abortives" in this case means something you take after a migraine starts to try to end it, while "prophylactic" means a daily treatment you take to reduce likelihood of developing a migraine):

-OTC combination of magnesium, feverfew, and butterbur, taken daily

-Triptans (insurance will usually demand patients fail at least 3 to cover a more expensive treatment)

-High-dose NSAIDs (as abortive treatment given risk of rebound headaches if used daily)

-Daily topiramate (insurance will always demand this is either failed or there's a clear contraindication)

-Daily calcium channel blockers

-Daily beta blockers (higher dose than used for anxiety or low-grade arrhythmias)

-Daily anti-epileptic medications (such as Lamictal)

-Monthly anti-CGRP monoclonal antibody injections (Aimovig or Ajovy; expensive so insurance will demand you've failed some or all of the previous meds)

-Abortive anti-CGRP orals (Nurtec or Ubrelvy)

-Abortive ergotamine, usually Migranal, a nasal spray (very expensive and must be repeated 15 minutes after initial dose regardless of whether symptoms are improving or not)

-Prophylactic Botox (I believe this is every 3 months, must be done in the office of a trained and licensed professional, usually but not always a Neurology provider)

-Sphenopalatine ganglion blocks (done by dripping lidocaine far back into the sinuses to reach the sphenopalatine ganglion, again in the office of a trained and licensed professional)

-Cephaly (transcranial magnetic stimulation at-home device), expensive so insurance hates covering it

Now, one of my newer tools, and my current personal favorite, is a greater occipital nerve block--easy and fast, low risk, and I've had about 90% success with my patients in aborting current headaches. Effects seem to last 3-4 weeks in most cases and since it's straight lidocaine (you don't have to include steroids, though you can) you can do it as often as needed. I generally do this in my office, but I did train one patient's spouse to do it at home given how frequent their headaches. The pharmacy lost their fucking mind about letting an outpatient have lidocaine. I don't know why.

I currently manage my pretty awful chronic migraines with a combination of monthly Aimovig, as-needed Excedrin (the combination of caffeine, Tylenol aka paracetamol, and aspirin is effective for many people but is a real risk for causing medication overuse headaches, the more official term for bounce-back), as-needed Ubrelvy (I can sleep after taking Ubrelvy but not Excedrin so it's a good option), and roughly monthly greater occipital nerve blocks (I teach my trainees to do it using myself as a subject). I wouldn't mind trying the Botox but it's a PITA to get in to see our only local Neurology provider and since my migraines are relatively well-controlled (probably 1-2 headache days a week right now) I don't think it's worth the effort.

I also really got a lot out of this lecture, so give it a try.

[turtledovenycx]

Heyy I Hope youre doing well can I request reader being on her period and having cramps so she’s really irritable. When Hyunjin comes home and says he has stomachache she thinks he’s just teasing her and doesn’t believe him but then she realizes he’s actually sick and takes care of him 🤞🏽💙

note: Hey lovely, I hope you did not wait long. Sorry I'm late but I wanted this to be perfect I think I went a lil overboard lol. I wrote and rewrote it a lot but then I decided this is the best <33333 I hope this lives up to your expectations and it is what you pictured. Stay happy <3

waiting to hear from you again with your thoughts on this 💙

_nyx.☽༊˚

Any soft song of your choice

𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐫𝐞: 𝐒𝐅𝐖

𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠: 𝐟𝐞𝐦!𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫 𝐱 𝐇𝐲𝐮𝐧𝐣𝐢𝐧

𝐭𝐚𝐠: 𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐛𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐡𝐞𝐝 𝐫𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧

𝐖.𝐂 𝟐.𝟏𝐤

𝐓𝐫𝐢𝐠𝐠𝐞𝐫 𝐖𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬: 𝐌𝐢𝐬𝐨𝐠𝐲𝐧𝐲 (𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐛𝐲 𝐡𝐲𝐮𝐧𝐣𝐢𝐧), 𝐁𝐥𝐨𝐨𝐝 𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧, 𝐌𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐨𝐟 𝐩𝐮𝐤𝐞/𝐯𝐨𝐦𝐢𝐭 (𝐧𝐨 𝐝𝐞𝐭𝐚𝐢𝐥 𝐝𝐞𝐬𝐜𝐫𝐢𝐩𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐢𝐭 𝐢𝐬 𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐠𝐞𝐭𝐬 𝐬𝐢𝐜𝐤 𝐛𝐞𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐝 𝐝𝐨𝐨𝐫𝐬.)

ɴᴏ ᴏᴛʜᴇʀ ᴡᴀʀɴɪɴɢꜱ

_

Fucking cramps ugh. Waking up to more cramping pain in your lower abdomen was the starting sign of your day’s downfall. The lack of iron in your body made your head spin and feel heavy it was like a never leaving hangover. The second day of your period was always the worst, with pain in your stomach combined with soreness throughout your body and sometimes your lower back also hurt it just felt so bad. You cursed at the higher powers for inheriting your mother's horrible PMS and dysmenorrhea rather than her good looks. 

Begrudgingly you did your morning routine sticking to the most basic skincare. You could not focus properly so you decided to take a leave of absence from your work. That call, however, did not go well your mood turned sour because honestly what the fuck!

 Your asshole of a manager lacked empathy and a female reproductive system so along with your morning coffee you heard an earful of how women were using periods as an excuse in the workplace. You really needed this job so you had no choice but to hear his nasty word and bite your tongue praying your mouth does not run. Colorful words were spoken in whispers so that you don't fully regret not saying anything. The dick granted you leave but it would cost a small cut from your salary. 

“Sir, but..”

“No buts. You can either come to work or produce a health certificate for paid leave. It's company policy.” 

Motherfucker. Fucking ass, dick! cun-

“I’ll bring the health certificate on Monday thanks for your time,” you say ending the call after hearing his grunt and flipping off the blank screen. You hoped a pigeon would shit on him and his over-gelled hair. Dickhead. Now you had to figure out how to get a medical certificate for periods. 

Fuck this. 

The day carried on, the meds did not help you one bit. Hyunjin was the one who usually restocked your supplies since you worked night shifts a lot, but this time however he had brought the painkillers with a lower dosage. You resorted to eating three or four pills before calculating that to reach at least 200 mg you would have to eat twenty pills!

“This is crazy. Aaah!’” you screamed into your empty apartment. 

These breakdowns left you irritable and cranky, the smallest inconvenience making you angry. You tried to control it but since there was no way to release the tension it kept growing and growing and growing until you would blow up on the next person you saw sadly it was your sweet and sometimes dumb boyfriend.

Hyunjin had let himself into your apartment to find you hunched over the kitchen island, the smell of soup prominent in the flat as it boiled on the stove. He knew you were on your period so he kept his footsteps as light as possible not wanting to disturb you, Poor baby startled you instead. 

“Jesus fuck Hyunjin. Makes some noise would you,” you yelled when he had placed his hands on your shoulder. 

He flinched, “Sorry baby. Are you okay?” he asked arms reaching to hug you. You were sweaty so you declined the hug not knowing he needed it more. In the haze of your irritation, you had failed to notice that his face was paler than usual. Hyunjin had left work feeling nauseous. He had a stomach bug, nothing serious but his leader recommended he take rest. 

“No, I’m not okay Hyunjin, I’ve been in pain since the morning and I don't have the right medicines and Nothing is helping me. My boss is an asshole-” 

“Your medicines are not right?” he asked confused. 

“No, they are not they barely do anything you brought the small dose ones. If you are not sure what to get just leave it I’ll buy it.”

“I’m sorry,” he says palm resting on your shoulder as he leans into you.

“My tummy hurts,” you whine, crouching over but you sounded so adorable Hyunjin could not help but laugh. “My tummy hurts,” he said whining too, little did you know he meant it. Misunderstanding the situation you got mad thinking Hyunjin was mocking you like the dramatic ass he was. “It’s not funny Hyunjin. Try bleeding for seven days every month and working a full-time job,” you say turning off the stove and not bothering to eat. “Baby no I have a stomach bu-” You stormed out of the kitchen leaving behind a confused Hyunjin. He did not mean to make fun of you. His stomach felt weird but you paid no heed to the man as you slammed the bedroom shut. “Shit-” he sighed into the empty kitchen. Slamming doors in your home meant one thing, ‘I don't wanna talk!’ he decided it was best to leave you alone.

Tears spring to your eyes, and feeling dejected and exhausted you cry. You were not sobbing but they were tears of frustration. Guilt seeped in you felt bad for lashing out at Hyunjin but as you heard the sound of utensils through the door you figured he was helping himself with food. Unreasonably this pissed you off more so you decided to sleep it off instead. Your fatigue caught up to you the sleep overpowering your pain as you slipped into slumber tear stained cheek and all. 

Contrary to your thoughts Hyunjin did not eat he was simply putting the soup away and cleaning the kitchen. He understood why you reacted the way you did so being the sweetheart he is he warmed up your hot bag and opened the door a little to peak. Seeing you curled up into a ball on your side broke his heart. He softly entered the room and checked if you were fast asleep. It appeared that you were out like a light so Hyunjin adjusted your body to lay in such a way that the heat pad was resting securely on your abdomen. Then he covered you with the duvet and fidgeted with the AC temp he knew you liked it to be cold so that you could wrap yourself in something warm. The furrows in your brow were slowly replaced with a look of peace. He rubbed your leg for a few moments before wrapping you in the warm blanket and giving you your favorite Jiniret to hug. Once he ensured you were comfortable the tired man slipped out and went to the couch to get some rest. His bowels were in discomfort and he still wanted to throw up, he resorted to gulping down glasses of water and going to sleep. 

.

You woke to the sound of retching from your bathroom, the cramps had subsided the 60 mg finally working in your body. It tugged on your heart when you noticed the temperature in the room, the blanket, the heating water bag, and your Jiniret. You felt like an even bigger asshole than your boss, at least that dick treated someone he did not know personally like shit while you treated the love of your life like garbage. Hyunjin hurled his stomach into the toilet and it clicked inside your head that he was sick. Groaning at your ignorance and rubbing your face you got up from your cozy cocoon and opened the bedroom door. He was still locked in the bathroom but you noticed the spare blanket on the couch. Poor Hyunnie must have been awful sleeping on the couch especially when his long legs won't fit in unless he is curled up. You notice the little green puke basket nearby. Shit, you messed up. 

The bathroom door revealed a tired Hyunjin who had just washed his face, he stopped in his tracks as he saw you standing in the hallway. You turned around to see your boy sick. 

“I’m sorry baby.” you cried as you ran to hug him, you tried to be as gentle as you could not wanting to disturb his body, but Hyunjin did not speak for a few seconds. Thinking he was angry at you you tried to give him space but his long arms brought you back into the embrace. You breathed a sigh of relief, a million apologies leaving you. 

“I’m so sorry, I was such an ass,” you repeat fingers moving his hair out of his face before placing sweet kisses on his wet skin. 

Hyunjin just hummed, he was leaning his whole weight on you now. 

“Did you eat?” you ask, your boyfriend shakes his head before hiding on your neck. “Oh sweetie,” you say as you bring him into the bedroom. The air is cool so immediately Hyunjin finds himself wrapped in a fluffy blanket. He held your hands eyes worried as you began to retreat. 

“I’m just gonna grab you some food,” you reassured after making sure he was lying down on a raised pillow. 

.

The soup had become cold, but you reheated it. You searched through the cabinets for tea sachets as ginger tea is good for upset stomachs. After preparing the food you put them all in a tray and grabbed a pack of Advil just in case he became feverish and went to your room.

Hyunjin was having cramps too so he did not sleep, he was sitting cross-legged and crouching over trying to make himself into a small ball.

“Baby, eat this will help,” you say putting the tray on the nightstand before grabbing the bowl. 

“I’ll throw up, I don’t want to eat,” he says turning away. 

“If you throw up I will clean it but if you don’t eat you might get gas and it will hurt more.” you explained, “Please just try eating half the bowl.” your hands held the food in front of him.

After a few moments of consideration, he opened his mouth welcoming the spoonful of hot clear soup, even though he said he didn’t want to eat Hyunjin must have been famished because he ate the whole thing in a short time, taking control of the spoon with his hand. 

You watched him carefully leaving to help yourself to some soup too, the two of you sat in your bed eating without saying much.

“You don’t have a fever so it’s not stomach flu,” you say checking his temperature and helping him back into the covers. He had a quick shower and brushed his teeth. 

“It's probably because of the street food you had yesterday.”

“Hey! You had it too.”

“Yes, but I only had one serving whereas you had almost three.”

“I was craving it,” he said lips all pouty as you smiled for the first time in that day at his cute antics. 

Seeing your smile, Hyunjin’s face brightened up too. He was feeling better no longer nauseous now he waited for his stomach to settle. 

“I’ll let you sleep,” you say clearing the bedside table and beginning to exit the room before you feel a tug on your arm. 

“You will come back to bed right?” your boyfriend asked whispering, his brown eyes almost sparkling, face red, and bottom lip jutting out. Any other human form making that face was an instant cringe for you except him.  You nodded as he reluctantly let you go. 

When you slipped back into bed after chores you were certain Hyunjin was asleep. But warm hands wrapped around your figure from behind his head resting between your shoulder blades, you turned around to hug the lean man spooning him as he tucked himself on your chest. 

“Hyunnie, are you asleep?” you whispered Hyunjin stirring at the use of his name, 

“No,” he whispered back before looking up at you. You felt guilty again as you stared into his eyes in the dim glow of the nightlight. 

“I’m sorry baby. I will try to control my emotions during my periods. I had a rough day okay. I’m so sorry.” you said fingers brushing his hair back as he closed his eyes. 

“It’s okay, I’m not mad at you,” he says eyes drooping as they get tired. “What happened?” he still asked despite almost falling asleep.

“I’ll explain tomorrow.” 

“I love you babe,” he says kissing your collarbone,

 “I-. I love you so much,” you say placing a long kiss on his forehead and turning to switch off the night lamp. When you turned around Hyunjin was snoring lightly hands holding you tight to him as he slept on your chest. You knew you were going to properly apologies to him once you guys were feeling better tomorrow but knowing that this boy loved you even when you messed up was such a warm feeling. Sleep called you once again as the two of you lay limbs tangled under his favorite fuzzy blanket.

𝘋𝘰 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘤𝘰𝘱𝘺, 𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘯𝘴𝘭𝘢𝘵𝘦 𝘰𝘳 𝘳𝘦𝘱𝘰𝘴𝘵 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘪𝘧𝘺𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘮𝘦 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘬 𝘣𝘺 𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘵𝘭𝘦𝘥𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘯𝘺𝘤𝘹 ©

𝐓𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐤 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠. 𝐑𝐞𝐛𝐥𝐨𝐠𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐈𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐡𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐥𝐲 𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐜𝐢𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐝

tagging 🏷️: @comet-falls @noellllslut

Let me know if you want to be tagged I might start a tag list if a lot of you guys want it. For now it is just my two lovelies I have on here <3

[spacecrows]

The thing that really sucks about ADHD and ADHD meds for me is that it’s so difficult to tell if I am medicated properly or not? Like I know I am very lucky that the only other meds I ever really need are the occasional ibuprofen for a headache or something to help with nausea a few times a year (and like contraception and vitamins lol) - but when I am in pain I notice the pain I think “I should take an ibuprofen” and once I do the pain gets better and if it gets worse again I notice and take another. Same with nausea. It’s easy. But with ADHD, most of my “symptoms” when I am unmedicated just feel like character flaws? So for 20-something years before I knew I had ADHD I just thought I was just a procrastinator and stupid for not being able to read long texts and that I was really lazy and that I just got exhausted way too quickly and had to try harder and harder and harder and if I couldn’t, that was on me.  ANYWAY, when I finally did get my diagnosis it was already such a relief and such a help and therapy has also been really really good. But. The meds! I started taking meds and at first I didn’t notice much of a difference, because for me ADHD means that I have very high highs and very low lows, both in terms of mood and in terms of focus, productivity, etc. So when I started taking them, I thought I just had a few rather productive high functioning days. And since even on meds, things can still be difficult and the highs and lows are not gone completely, things were sort of blurry. But after a few weeks I forgot to get my prescription and went a couple days without them, and I realized this huge difference. I have not found my perfect meds yet, so I still struggle. But it is such an enourmous difference. Things are so much less difficult for me. Functioning is so much easier. It’s not like I am suddenly great at everything, I still forget 50% of the things I need to do and still procrastinate and still struggle with motivation, but things are doable. And I feel better about myself. Well, a month ago I changed my meds (mainly because I want to find something that gives me some inner peace and quiet once in a while? if anyone has any recommendations please let me know! magic mushrooms worked like a charm but ideally i’d like something. you know. legal. a girl can dream I guess). And I started with the lowest dosage. And that was evidently not enough for me. But I didn’t realize that I was not medicated properly, because there wasn’t some sort of distinct “symptom” to alert me. Instead, my sleep pattern slipped. Food was a struggle. Chores and urgent paperwork started to pile up. I felt days slipping by where I couldn’t get myself to do anything, really, not even hobbies I enjoy. And because it was gradual, and these are all things I struggle with (to some degree) even on meds, I didn’t realize what was happening. Instead, I got frustrated with myself. I thought “Wow, I am so lazy, I can’t get anything done. How do all my friends have their shit together and I just can’t cope? Why am I so stupid? Why am I such a procrastinator? Why don’t I have any energy? I am so undisciplined! I just really need to try harder!”. Needless to say, getting angry at myself didn’t really change much - except making me miserable. Until I realized that when I forgot to take my meds, I didn’t notice any difference. So I tried a higher dosage and suddenly, magically, I had the energy to do one or two small chores a day and answer one email and get out of bed and read a book I like and hang out with friends a few times a week.  But even after all that! I forgot to take my meds this morning, and I had the worst day. I was completely exhausted, felt weird, didn’t manage to reply to urgent messages from friends, took a depression nap and felt worse. Read the same page in my book over and over and over and over again and couldn’t make sense of it. Hated every single person on public transit that even breathed too loudly. Wanted to break out into tears on the tram (and nearly did). Only to realize around 5 pm that I hadn’t taken my meds. Took them, and pretty instantly felt better. I think I’ll tidy up my room a little now. And maybe even read a few chapters before bed. Things are fine. But I really really want some sort of inner alert that tells me if I have taken my meds and if the dosage works for me. Something like that. Please!!!

[myfriendskickass]

we still need to clean the house (still doing basement maintenance) and i need to find adhd friendly ways to clean frequently enough to eliminate all my OTHER environmental allergies first bc i am allergic to cats technically but if/when i get a new cat i cant just LEAVE THEM smh

@vergess does this sound like mcas to you

brief allergy history overview for context:

allergic to dust, pollen (esp ragweed), cat and dog dander, mold, cigarette smoke apparently?? a couple of other things supposedly idr i got dx'd in 1999

was on allergy meds of various kinds from age 5 to present plus allergy shots starting every 2 weeks graduating to every month. meds i REMEMBER taking (remember i started at age 5.): zyrtec twice a day rx until it went otc (idr dosage), rhinocort (idr if rx or otc). stopped that at some point idr when or why. rx patanol twice a day. saline nose spray twice a day. allergy shots never make me react more than some itchiness.

got the cat in 8th grade. allergist was NOT happy about it. reaction was itchy eyes for like 2 weeks that eventually stopped.

went to college in early 2010s. allergist said i dont need shots anymore. no access to allergist meant i stopped using the patanol unless my eyes got SUPER itchy because at the time it was rx only. continued to take otc generic zyrtec 10mg twice a day. (i was on liquid until like high school bc i couldnt swallow pills so when i switched to pills i continued the same dosage which...is HONESTLY pediatric now that i think about it, but even at 18 it still worked? i was still very skinny though)

then 3 years into college i started getting acid reflux so bad i couldn't eat plain lettuce. got an endoscopy done. got dx'd with eosinophilic esophagitis. got put on 40mg sodium pantoprazole (insurance would not cover nexium.) once a day. (COINCIDENTALLY GAINED A LOT OF WEIGHT AFTER THIS HMM)

went back to same allergist i have been seeing since i was 5. got a skin test done. was told i was MORE reactive (especially to cat :() than i was in 1999...all from 3 years without allergy shots? at least on the skin test. started shots again. got blood tested for food allergies. results seem to fluctuate whether i ate that thing before testing (ie whether it comes up as higher than what the bloodwork calls "level 0/equivocal") two constant and consistent results are hazelnuts and carrots (which have ALWAYS given me acid reflux)

i go back to gi with these results. they tell me i might have GERD. (allergist, when told of my eosinic dx, says "ugh i hope not, you need a liquid diet to deal with that."). second endoscopy after a month on the proton pump inhibitor. acid damage is healing. they tell me its safe to stay on pantoprazole long term.

fast forward to today, 9 years later. i take 10 mg of zyrtec otc twice a day. i tried flonase, did nothing. allegra is too hard to swallow. getting monthly allergy shots. rinse my nose out with saline when i remember to. take otc patanol extra strength once a day (package says to and its easier to remember than twice a day). i skip pantoprazole until the acid reflux gets very bad because 1. makes me gain weight 2. unsure about how safe it is long term 3. i just forget sometimes. i stopped eating all food allergens EXCEPT dairy because whether whey shows up as an ige allergy seems to fluctuate and also i love cheese. i am working on it.

SYMPTOMS, though: constant post nasal drip. (no change from childhood.) nose is stuffier but managed with saline. general constant low level cold symptoms (stuffy nose, very rare slight cough) eyes water only if i forget to use eyedrops. sometimes i get itchy but no hives, no redness. acid reflux when i skip the ppi or eat carrots. i gave up nutella entirely because nut allergies can apparently get worse out of the blue very fast. ragweed season gives me watery eyes and stuffy nose almost 24/7 but no wheezing or breathing issues. ANIMAL DANDER, my biggest concern, gives me itchy watery eyes DEPENDING on how clean the environment is. (i was completely fine in a small house for 12 hours with 4 cats and 3 dogs, fine in my sister's house for 6-8 hours with a shibe, but not fine in a house with 3 cats thats never vaccuumed, and not fine in my sister's car that had no shibe in it.) (not fine is still just minor eye symptoms)

cat died in 2017 so i no longer have long term exposure but dander supposedly stays in the house right? towards the end of his life, we let him in my previously off limits room that had a knockoff hepa filter running 24/7 with no issues. he was not in my room 24/7. currently i have a purezone i think??? hepa filter running 8-6 hours a day because the blue light is required for it to function. i try to change it every 3 months but sometimes i forget.

i really want another cat...even though my allergist is of the "you shouldn't be exposing yourself to any allergens on purpose" mentality. she DOES think mcas exists. she also said its safe to take 10mg cetirizine hcl 4x a day. people tell me allergies can get worse with exposure over time but then how would allergy shots work?

things i wonder about and will ask her next appointment: i am no longer 18 and 90lbs soaking wet- is 10mg of zyrtec once a day enough? did i build a tolerance? should i go back to twice a day?

my current goals:

i will use saline more often. vaccuum and dust more. keep my air filter running 24/7. IF i get a cat, no access to my room ever. i will feed it that purina food scientifically proven to lower the amount of allergen in their dander.

my big fear is 1. i have mcas which makes any allergy exposure a risk 2. people are correct unfortunately and allergy exposure DOES make it worse and that getting a cat now will give me anaphylaxis in the future :( (but then how do allergy shots work???)

i have never experienced anaphylaxis. i have never needed an epi pen. i never needed benadryl.i still don't react to the allergy shots. reactions to pet dander are mild annoying itchy eyes that depend on how clean the area is and also don't always last for the entire time i am exposed anyway. but my bloodwork shows inflammation a lot but no doctor has ever been concerned.

is this mcas??? it kind of looks more like i got sloppy with cleaning and med taking and also possibly built up a tolerance to zyrtec/gained enough weight that 10mg/a day is not enough anymore? allegra did nothing when i switched but i was also taking it 1x a day

my PLAN was get on top of every other allergen so that cat dander is the only thing i am exposed to on a daily basis BUT if this looks more like my allergies overall are just getting worse, i don't want to risk getting a cat just to have to rehome it.

lol sorry this adhd ramble was prompted by pc advice

i am NOT asking for medical advice! i am asking 1. what to ask my doctor in a way that wont make her fire me as a patient for getting a cat (right now she just says "its different when you own one" but i had one for 11 years with no issue so???) 2. does this match your experience as somebody with mcas

[mental-health-advice]

I am preparing for a competitive exam and I can’t put myself to even shower daily forget about studying daily. I was seeking therapy and then we decided that I can cope on my own but I’m still on meds(mood stabiliser and got off antidepressants few months ago). I was diagnosed with depression last year and I seeked therapy for about a year. Now I’m off therapy and I have trouble doing things and starting things, I fall asleep way easily during my online lectures and because I’m not so productive I beat myself up over it and tell myself that I’ll start all over again tomorrow … with a new timetable and what not and then I don’t follow it. I procrastinate all day and then I still go to bed tired and sleepy. I also have trouble eating all my meds.

I want to do well in my competitive exam and get into a good college but I am overwhelmed with the number of exams I’ll have to give and the number of admission forms I have to fill. And my dad who used to help me with all this now doesn’t help with admission forms saying “I have grown old you deal with it” 😭😭

I have been binge watching phineas and ferb because that makes me go haha lol.

Do you think I need to go back to therapy? Also, how should I tackle procrastination and not fall into loop of sleeping all day and not doing the basic chores even like showering daily. Also, I have an upcoming appointment with a psychiatrist should I tell him all of this?

This is my first ask, I hope you respond as soon as possible. Thank you!

Hey there,

Firstly, I am glad that you have an upcoming appointment with a psychiatrist. This is a really positive step and if you are able to, I would encourage you to share as much with them as you can in regards to how you are currently feeling and coping with things. i.e. struggling to do everyday things like showering for example. I am also not a qualified medical professional but it sounds as though maybe restarting anti-depressants may also be considered by your psychiatrist and especially if they were helpful when you were last on them. Sometimes people can be on AD’s for a good few years or even for longer until they find the relevant coping strategies to enable them to do everyday things, and sometimes people may need to be on a medication for life as they may have a chemical imbalance that they need a psych med to help balance things out which I am thinking is partly why you are still on your mood stabiliser but right now you may be needing something extra or a higher dosage to help you through – I am by no means a doctor though so don’t quote me on this!

Studying for any type of exam can be really stressful and overwhelming for anyone, so it’s only natural that you are finding things quite tough right now and are finding even the little things hard to do. Have you ever thought of writing out a list of daily things you need to get done/ do each day and once completing these things crossing them off the list? I know that for me this helps me to get back into a routine and especially when I get to see the list getting smaller and smaller with each task I achieve. Just an idea! Doing this may also be more helpful than a simple timetable as well due to looking as a timetable can seem quite overwhelming and especially when you are already finding things difficult. Trying to get yourself into a bit of a routine (even if you only do one or two things a day to get started) can also help you to stay awake and then help you to get a better sleep at nights, so this is also something else to consider!

In regards to filling out admission forms, one thing I find helpful again for myself is to just focus on filling out or answering one or two questions each day. If you break the forms up and only focus on a section at a time then it may seem more achievable if that makes sense and this too can be part of your routine and especially if you have a bit to fill out/ answer.

For the time being starting therapy again may also be helpful for you and especially in this really stressful period. Even if you just use the sessions to vent or offload what’s on your mind. This may make it a bit easier for you to then refocus your attention on your studies and upcoming exams as you may find you are not worrying so much on other life stressors if that makes sense. And remember that it’s more than OK to ask and reach out for help and support again, it doesn’t mean you have gone backwards in your recovery, just that you need an extra helping hand and by asking for help, it actually shows your strength in knowing and being able to acknowledge when you are needing some extra support. And like your upcoming psychiatrist appointment, this too is a big positive if you are feeling that therapy would be beneficial for you to restart!

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you, hope that you are going well and wish you all the best with your exams!

Take care,

Lauren

[mydaymythoughtsandme]

Self improvement

I have decided to take control of my health this year. I have an appointment coming up in a few days and it'll mark exactly 2 years from my (thankfully) failed attempt. With that said though it has been two years with the same medicine at the same dosage for each. (One I actually only take every other day now because of the side effects I was experiencing and because I was put on the lowest dose for all of my meds [and the pills are tiny tiny) that was the best thing they said for me to do and I no longer got the negative side effects) So with the medicine all being the same for so long I thinking of asking for adjustments (maybe higher dosage amounts for one or two of them, I'm not entirely sure). But I have felt a bit plateud in my mood and stability levels. I'm not in a super bad place again by any means and I am greatful for that, but I do feel like when I do have my lows they get kinda bad lately (although I do have some external stressors that are different that before) and I haven't had too much of the highs, just a lot of bleh and okay enough.

I don't want to just be okay enough I want to do better and be better and be in a truly good place that I can stay in. I know life will never be perfect and it'll never be 100% but I know it can be better and more consistent. And so much of that falls on me as a person and the effort I put into improving and I understand that. So I will be asking for possible adjustments to my medicine and about getting back into therapy as well. It's expensive but after everything that has happened I don't think I can afford not to. They were supposed to call me a few weeks after the last time I went in about a new therapist coming into the office but that never happened so if I don't get practically connected with said therapist right then and there I will be searching through my insurance and starting again that way. Insurance really helps me feel like I can improve myself a lot. One big issue I'm still having is my excessive sleepiness. I am ALWAYS tired. I can sleep for well over 12 hours and it's still not enough sometimes (I know that over sleeping is a thing that can make you more tired but it doesn't matter how much I sleep be it 2hrs 15hrs or somewhere in between I am always tired. I already spoke to both of my doctors about this and they both want blood tests so hopefully we'll see progress there soon.

I think the sleepiness is caused by a lot of factors. One being I can't breathe correctly when I sleep. I'm also a restless sleeper so that would explain why I feel wiped out after a long solid sleep so often. I also have been having issues with falling asleep lately but I think it's stress from the life issues caused by the sleepiness and my stomach.

The big thing is my stomach hurts all the time to the point that I'm actually open to the possibility of having a chronic illness or the like. Obviously I don't know anything for sure but I'm just to the point where I wouldn't be overly surprised if that turned out to be the case.

I think that covers at least the basics for the main points so I will cut it off here and possibly add more detail later. I need to try to ignore my stomach for sleep

[prolifeproliberty]

An actual free market would fix 90% of this.

But also, if you are affected by the adderall shortage specifically and you find yourself completely out of your medication and don’t know when you will be able to get more, there are some herbal supplement options that may help you stay mostly functional until you can get your meds again.

Specifically, I switched to Bacopa Monnieri over a year ago, and it’s worked really well for me. I’d say it takes an hour or so to kick in, and it really helps balance me out when my brain is all over the place. I take one a day with a meal.

Here’s two different options for getting it:

VitaminShoppe (they may have it in a local store so you can get it faster)

iHerb

Amazon (this one is a little higher dosage than what I take, use caution if you have a sensitive stomach, but it’ll get to you faster if you can’t pick it up locally)

You can also check your local health food stores. You want to check labels for the bacosides/Bacopa saponins percentages, I’ve used brands that aren’t standardized and I felt they didn’t work as well.

To be clear, I’m not telling you to switch your medication and I’m not your doctor, but if you find you are out of your ADHD meds and you cannot get more and need to be functional for work/life in general, this is a stopgap.

(However, if you’re like me and bacopa works better for you than adderall, then awesome!)

Got hit by the Adderall shortage lads.

I raised my voice to the pharmacy technician and her boss said, "You have been yelling at her for five minutes now."

I wasn't yelling, and that just made me way angrier. Oh, is it frustrating to have to spend five minutes dealing with an unhelpful person? Is five minutes a lot of precious time that you won't get back? Wow, I'm so sorry, I'll get out of your hair and go spend half an hour calling other pharmacies individually to see if they have any supply, and when it turns out they don't I'll just wait a few days and see if the shipment you're about to get has Adderall in it. And if it doesn't I'll spend another hour or so calling around to figure out what I'm supposed to do.

Gosh, it sure must be frustrating for you to spend five minutes on this, I can't imagine.

You know what pisses me off? I get that it's not your fault that the FDA and DEA have their heads buried up their own asses.

You know what is your company's fault? The fact that you have 12 locations plausibly within driving distance of me and the procedure to see whether an alternate location can fill the prescription is for me to look up each one individually, call them, wait on hold, and then ask each individual pharmacist. There's no way to track the supply, or to find out if it's committed to other patients, and that's nothing to do with the shortage.

After talking to several pharmacists the answer I got several times was, "Yeah they can't tell us what's going to get delivered ahead of time, a lot of times they say they have stock and then when we get the shipment it just randomly doesn't have some of what we ordered."

Like, I'm not just pissed off at the shortage, I'm pissed at this really bizarre inability to track whether anybody has it or doesn't have it. Isn't this a super dangerous drug that the FDA and DEA have to monitor closely? But the warehouse you order from just... doesn't track how much they have or where it goes?

I can't emphasize this enough, I've been told by multiple pharmacies that not only do they not know when they are getting more Adderall, they don't know when they'll know if they are getting more Adderall. They can't give you a no, they can only say, "We're getting a shipment of drugs on Thursday and it might have Adderall in it or it might not, we don't know until then."

And since it's a controlled substance, your doctor has to specify which pharmacy you are getting the drug from, if you find another pharmacy that has it you have to first call your doctor and then have them send a new prescription to that particular pharmacy.

There was a lot of this during COVID also, getting tests and things. Not just a shortage of supplies, a completely decrepit infrastructure which left each individual out in the cold without information about where supplies might be or how you would find them.

Like, why is the procedure for patients, "Just call every pharmacy in the city to see if they have some"? That's not caused by supply shortages.

[zennialemo]

I tried to kill myself. I took a nearly full bottle of prescribed benzos. Then I walked to the center of town and stared at my phone. Eventually I called 988. I didn't say what I'd done. I just talked. It didn't take long for the women I was connected to to ask me if I'd taken something. I admitted it. I dont remember admitting it, just being told to sit in the gazebo and stay on the line. Honestly I don't remember the details of it. I don't remember a disturbing amount of time. But I remember like 3 cop cars showing up with the ambulance.

Which is fucked. Why so many cops to a mental health crisis?

But it only got more fucked. After, I was medically cleared I was moved from the regular ER to where they keep people for 72 hour holds. I was section 12ed. When they found a bed for me I was moved to a psych hospital.

Listen. If you need to go, go. But also what in the ever living fuck is going on in those places. This was my third time and as always there was violence that shouldn't have been allowed to happen, inhumane treatment, dehumanizing behavior from the staff. My first day I broke. I lost my shit. I laid in my shitty bed with someone coming in to check on me every 5 minutes to make sure I wasn't trying to off myself and wept. I regretted not finishing myself off with alcohol like I originally planned. I seriously regretted it.

Sometimes I still do.

But I pulled myself together and didn't allow myself to cry again. Because not being okay means being locked in there longer. Means higher dosages of meds you've just started with side effects that are massively destructive. And lord I can't explain how awful it is to know there's nowhere to go. When people are screaming and throwing chairs and punching holes in the walls. Nowhere to cry where you won't be seen. All the rooms they have to go to locked because you need staff but not enough staff to go into the quiet room. Eating salad with plastic spoons because God forbid you give someone like me a fork. God forbid. Stripped down and searched and without your clothes and other items for days because they can't get their shit together. So you walk around in grippy socks and scrubs. Without your books or journal, and never are you allowed to have your phone. So all the numbers you have to call people are in the journal they told you you couldn't have for literally no reason which is part of why you lost it. But then they give you the fucking journal when they bring your shit.

And that's the other thing. No one knows shit. Every person gives a different answer. No one knows who to talk to for anything so you spend an absurd amount of time looking for anyone to help you. And the counseling staff who seems to semi care has no idea because it's not their job to know. Which means no one fucking knows because the people who's job it is don't have a clue. A nurse in the med window who doesnt know how to give meds. A schedule on the wall thats always wrong for groups and no easily visible clock to know what time it is anyway. No calendar to tell the date or day of the week. And you're locked in and you can't leave you can't leave you can't leave-

Two weeks and a day since I overdosed. I've been at my parents house. I don't know what I'm doing. And nothing really has changed. I left that place and the ER before it with no help. Because fucking psych jail isn't helpful. It isn't goddamn helpful to lock me into a place and treat me and all the people around me less-than and drug me out of my mind. That is traumatizing.

I'm angry and I'm lost and I have nowhere to put any of it. I've been in therapy for years, at one point three times a week. I have a psychiatrist and have tried tons of meds and med combination. I've done PHPs and peer run groups and joined internet communities. I have a social worker. But when im too honest (and why is there even a feeling of being "too honest"?) I'm told to go to the ER. Which means psych jail. And why is that our fucking answer?

Almost all of us were inpatient for the third fourth seventh eighth time. Because there is nowhere else and nothing else to do. Its like recidivism rates but for psych hospitals instead of prison.

I just don't know. I don't know. The best I can think to do is try to get in the system. To change it. To read and study and learn and advocate. Right now I'm struggling to eat one meal a day. But sometimes I have fleeting images of myself helping someone find an alternative, and knowing they'll actually be helped.

Something to hold onto. But the problem is right now I'm struggling. Right now. And all I can do is wait until my 45 min session on Wednesday. Because contrary to the current systems beliefs group therapy isn't helpful for everyone. Especially the way we do it. So I could go to a million PHPs - everytime I come out worse. Everytime except one and it just so happened the group of people I spent time with meshed well, so the time between groups was immensely helpful. It was pure luck though. And it shouldn't be like this.

We deserve better.

[vtforpedro]

trauma therapy tw

literally have had two sessions with my therapist and she is a trauma-focused therapist but called me today to say that she thinks I might benefit from 'the trauma team' due to the 'extent of your trauma' I'm tiiiiiiiiiired. it's so exhausting having to tell new people the same story over and over again and it would be a third time, or possibly a fourth if I need to do another intake, in a very short time. in my first intake appt I told most of my story at the, you know, surface-level lol but she asked what I was looking for and I said a woman and a trauma therapist and she agreed but apparently, I need a level two trauma therapist therapist said she wanted to be my therapist but they are better trained and educated for the extent of my trauma and I'm like sure thanks for looking out for me, but also I'm tired this fuckin brain juice reducing medicine (my med to decrease spinal fluid production which you all know, but it sounds less scary for me when I say it this way lmao) I'm on is giving me absolutely killer fatigue. it's insane. I'm already super fatigued I didn't know it could be so much worse. @_@ I'm going up again on Tuesday so I'm like can't wait to be so tired I cry all day!!!! I got fatigued last week on the starting dose but it wasn't anywhere near this. it did start to taper off tho before I started 2x a day. next week I go up in dosage tho and the week after I take the second pill at a higher dosage to reach 'normal dosage' so I'm just hnnn hope I'm not bedridden wish me luck

[fionna-cookie]

Good morning everyone...

I just took a break at the weekend. Didn't protocol my food intake and such things... I felt so exhausted and overwhelmed I needed this.

Also I took my emergency meds at Friday. It took the whole Saturday to feel "normal" again. They don't get the fluid for me so I have to take pills instead. But the pills have a higher dosing. It's the double of my usually intake.

I felt so freaking dizzy and had to to sit down a lot. I gonna tell them today I'm nit willing to take it in that amount. I know I need medication but I'm more a fan of just taking as much as needed and not a lot more.

I hope they understand it. As I mentioned first how much I usually take they reacted pretty weird. Like it's not possible that this dosage is working. I felt a little misunderstood.

Also my fellow patients thought that her reaction was kind of rude. So it's not just my impression.

This is gonna be interesting today...

Anyway. I took my cool tights on to feel more like I could rock it. Also I love my jacket today:

When she refuses to believe me I just gonna let the monster inside out. (╯✧▽✧)╯

Ok, just kidding. But I seriously love this jacket to death.

[abcsofadhd]

I’m sorry this is way too long and too depressing, I ended up venting because I don’t have anyone to talk to about this. If you see this ask, feel free to ignore, you don’t need to publish all of it or any of it. My question is at the very end.

I was recently diagnosed about 3 months ago and started meds with the sole, singular hope that I would be able to start tasks. that’s it. no other symptom I have matters to me, i just want to be able to start the tasks I want to start when I want to start them. I’ll accept any shitty side effect if it means I can actually do the work I need to do. I’m so fucking desperate to be able to get my work done, my entire workflow was absolutely destroyed and every coping mechanism I ever adopted rendered totally useless by COVID. My inability to work, meet deadlines, and follow through on promises has been ruining my life since March.

I was tentatively excited (among other weird complex feelings) when I got my diagnosis because I’d hoped that meds would be a solution. I’d read peoples accounts of how all the tasks that were hard for them suddenly became so easy, and I was so hopeful that maybe I didn’t have to be like this forever.

But it’s been three months now, and I’ve been through several stimulants at various dosages, and none of them have done literally anything. I haven’t felt the calm people talk about, I haven’t felt anything at all, and I certainly haven’t seen any increase in productivity at any point. The stimulants I’ve tried either have super inconsistent benefits, or they have no beneficial effect at all at any dose my GP is willing to prescribe.

One of the meds actively hurt my productivity because not only did it give me fucking nothing, I spent two weeks (until I gave up on it and we moved to the next one) coming home utterly exhausted and lightheaded with a headache and laying in the dark at 5pm refreshing twitter for hours and feeling helpless and shitty about how much work I wasn’t doing. That med was the worst one, the rest mostly did nothing except make me not hungry. The most effective one so far increased the frequency that I had hyperfocus, which was better than increasing fuck all, but I still couldn’t choose what to hyperfocus on or switch tasks, so it still didn’t give me the one and only thing I need. And for some reason it stopped even giving me that at higher doses?

And I guess at this point I’ve just lost hope that meds will ever be effective for me. I know it hasn’t been that long, 3 months is basically nothing, I’ve read this can take years. And there’s still other meds to try, and if the next one doesn’t work my GP will refer me to a psychiatrist who might be willing to try higher doses. But in the meantime I’ve continued to not be able to work and faced the professional consequences, and it’s been so humiliating and frustrating and hopeless. It’s like I’m waiting for a miracle to occur, and my life is on hold until it happens. I keep getting angry at random posts that share their success stories and talk about how different it is when you start meds, because that’s exactly what got my hopes up. I feel so helpless.

It’s just so demoralizing that I’ve spent my entire fucking life until 3 months ago assuming that I don’t have it any different from anyone else, so if I was struggling, it must just be because I’m lazy and stupid and worthless. And I just accepted that that’s how I am and I can’t change it, so I was able to make my peace with it and find ways around it. But now, I find out that maybe I wasn’t ever lazy and stupid, and there’s a solution that’s supposed to fix me. And now I can’t go back to just accepting that I’m like this forever, I want that solution to work so badly. But the solution isn’t working, nothing’s different. It’s supposed to be different and it’s not. So I’m still just as worthless as I always was and might still be forever. The status quo remains unchanged except for the fact that I don’t know how to accept it anymore.

If meds just don’t work for me at all, then that means I’m just stuck like this forever, and like. That means I should probably stop wasting my time and everyone’s time and drop out of grad school. If meds cant get me to start necessary, important, time sensitive work, then I will not be able to complete this program and I definitely would not be successful in the competitive career I’ve worked towards. I don’t know.

I’m sorry for venting, I’m sorry this was depressing. The question I wanted to ask is, is there a good way to tell that meds won’t work for you? Is it supposed to feel like something, or not feel like something? Do you think there’s a point when it’s not really worth it to continue trying meds and upping dosages? Thanks, sorry again.

Hey, no need to apologize. Genuinely. 

See, finding the right meds and right dosage takes time. I had to try 3-4 meds at 5 or so different strengths till I settled on one that worked for me.

Everyone ticks differently. So different meds can work differently with people.

⠀

How I figure out the effectivity of meds is how easy it makes it for me to shower. Its usually such an effort for me, usually taking up to an hour of psyching myself up. 

On meds, or rather the right dosage of meds, I can just get up and shower and immediately. 

⠀

Your experiences are valid. They are also common among ADHDers. 

I’ve gotten asks many times from ADHDers wondering if there was a point in trying out different meds. Cause yea, trying different meds can be tiring and take a lot of mental effort.

⠀

There’s also something I wanna add at the end, from what you’ve said.

every coping mechanism I ever adopted rendered totally useless by COVID

⠀

Stress and large changes make coping harder. A lot of ADHDers are struggling more because of it, medicated or not. 

My point is that THAT could be the reason you arent finding your meds to be as useful as they could be. 

Meds make it easier to do things you want to do. Coping strategies allow us to structure tasks to make it easier to do. 

So what happens if our coping strategies fail? 

Well, meds wouldn’t be as effective.

[paper-n-ashes]

sparks and embers - chapter 2

Characters: Poe Dameron x Original Female Character, Kylo Ren x Original Female Character

Story Tags: Explicit (18+), Canon Compliant/Divergent (Set after TLJ), First Person POV, Love Triangle, Slow Burn, Enemies to Lovers, Porn with Plot, Hurt/Comfort, Kylo Ren hates Poe Dameron

Summary: Alexys is a doctor living a life of exclusivity on Raxus, hoping to survive through a peaceful existence, concealing herself from those she believes would use her, or kill her. When fate intervenes and instigates a perilous journey she’d been desperately trying to avoid, Alex finds herself caught in the middle of two sides in both war and love.

Chapter 2 - Consciousness

Words: 3.4k

Chapter Tags/Warnings: mentions of blood and broken bones, medical procedures

Read on AO3

~

It was the light of morning that caused my eyes to flutter open, the hardness of the tiled floor beneath slowly recognised in an increasing ache pulsing through my body.

I was slow to move, measured actions helping to bring myself into a seated position, arms shakily holding me up at the sides. Memories of the previous evening flooded back in swift succession, along with the pain of immense fatigue that always followed the act of letting the Force do my healing for me.

Did it even work?

My hand gripped the hospital bed that his body remained slumped on and I pulled myself upwards, feet gliding along the ground under my legs until I could stand. The scene before me was still shocking, even in remembering all that happened. Eventually, I noted the even breaths seeping in and out of the pilot’s chest.

He survived the night. Well done.

The numbers on the monitor confirmed what the voice had said. Heart rate steady. Oxygen levels optimum. Blood pressure higher than it had ever reached the night before. Looking over the battered and broken man, covered in dried blood that had spilled to the bed and floor, I felt a rush of emotion break free from its cage in my chest, unleashing an irrepressible urge to cry.

I sobbed quietly, knowing it was both relief and exhaustion that the tears crawled down my face. I wasn’t really sure why it hit me so hard. I didn’t even know this man, and somehow his survival at my hands was overwhelming, bursting at the seams with a happiness I’d never experienced for a patient before.

But then I recalled what I’d done to make it possible.

Fear struck like a spark in the centre of my chest, rippling its way through my veins.

There’s no way I could explain this as a simple act of medical miracle. He’d know. Then they’d know. And everything I’d built would come crumbling down. I’d have to find a new planet, a new home, build a new clinic, leaving everything behind.

I just wanted to heal people. I didn’t want to be a part of either of their worlds, and I didn’t want to d-

A croaky moan escaped from the pilot’s lips, his eyes moving underneath the lids, struggling to open. He groaned louder, and it became clear all too quickly he was starting to feel his extensive injuries. Panic set in, realising I hadn’t had time to give him any anaesthetic or pain relief.

This was going to be a rough wake up.

A piercing whimper bellowed from his chest, startling me into focus. With the trolley at hand I wrenched open the draws in search of anything with a pain-relieving quality and prepared the med-injector with heavy fluid. He’d already started to move his limbs, presumably in a way to understand what was happening, and another strained yell echoed in the room, sending a shiver rocketing down my spine. I jammed the needle into the IV cannula port, pushing in the medicine without much of a thought to appropriate dosage.

I just needed to stop him moving.

He began hollering even harder, tears welling in his eyes as he started to thrash against the mattress. Snatching at his wrists, I slammed them back down on the bed.

“It’s okay! You’re okay! I know it hurts but you’ve got to give the painkiller time to work. I promise it’s going to be alright!” 

His eyes flew open, an obvious distress burning from behind brown irises. They flickered over my blood-stained clothes, then locked into mine, pleading, begging for me to do something to take away the agony.

“I know,” I said softly, a more tender edge to my voice. “I know it hurts. I’m doing all that I can. Please just stay still. It will get better. Please.”

The pilot drew in a deep, haggard breath, his bottom lip trembling. Eventually his jaw clenched as our eyes remained fixed, a silent pact of trust hanging in the air. It took me by surprise, how easy it was to calm him, and I seized the chance to soothe him even further.

“My name is Alex, I’m a doctor,” I explained. “Your ship crashed just outside my clinic. You were hurt, badly. You fell unconscious and I brought you in here to treat your injuries.”

Such a simple explanation for the truly gargantuan effort I had performed.

I wonder if he’ll ever know how close to death he was.

It wasn’t the time to tell him now, not when he seemed so scared. There was some semblance of understanding in his features, dark bushy eyebrows furrowed in thought for a moment, only for his eyes to shut again as he withheld a pained cry. I released my grip from his right wrist, placing my hand in his to squeeze gently. An act of sympathy, something I had done many times for people in distress. Even the small movement was enough to make him yelp.

Kriff. I forgot his arm was broken.

“Sorry!” I squeaked. He was still wincing. “Let me try and fix that.”

It was obvious how wrong the angle appeared in his forearm, beginning to prepare more local anaesthetic into the injector handle. I shot the needle a few centimetres above the fracture, the pilot barely flinching. Compared to the rest of his injuries it would likely have felt like nothing at all.

“I need to set this okay? Your arm is going to feel numb in a minute or two. I’ll be as quick as I can.”

His nod was measured, careful not to move anymore than he had to. I left him for a moment to find my universal cast and a sling, giving the injection a few moments to filter through his tissue and into the nerves. When I returned I could see some of the pain medication had already started to take hold, the sting of discomfort in his eyes beginning to waver, his muscles losing their tension and relaxing ever so slightly into the mattress. I prepared the cast, cutting the shapes out for his fingers and thumb, getting it ready for quick application.

“Poe,” he said slowly, his voice croaky and filled with restraint. “My name is Poe.”

I met his gaze again, trying my hardest to put forward an aura of confidence, even in my exhaustion. “Nice to meet you, Poe,” I smiled. With a lightened touch, a finger trailed softly down his right forearm. “Can you feel this?”

“A little,” he whispered. It was clearly hard for him to find his voice again. “It’s kind of… fuzzy.”

“Do you think I could try and set your arm now? I can wait if you prefer.”

“I can handle it.”

Underneath his lips I could imagine gritted teeth, clenching hard, bracing for the pain. It occurred to me then maybe this wasn’t the first time he’d broken a bone.

Without another word I pulled the X-ray unit’s arm up towards his fracture site, hoping he didn’t notice the splashes of his blood smattering the machine. Pressing down on the image button revealed a better picture in comparison to the absolute mess his femur had been. Only his radius was broken, in an even line, no splintering to be seen.

Finally something easy.

With two hands around his arm on either side of the fracture, I poised myself for a quick pull and twist. Poe’s muscles tensed underneath my grip.

“Just try to relax, it will make it much easier,” I insisted.

He drew in a deep breath, and the tension released from underneath my fingertips. I’d learned in my experience not to tell patients exactly when I was going to perform something painful. Something about the surprise of it somehow made it hurt less. So with one fluid movement I pulled and rotated the bone back into place, knowing even before I shot the X-ray it would be aligned. Poe was crushing his eyelids closed, waiting for me to move again.

“It’s okay, I got it.”

His eyes opened, meeting me with a look of surprise. I’d already begun to position the cast, bending the malleable plastic to the contours of his limb.

“First try?” he marvelled. I nodded, while trying to rein in my ego. “Never had someone get it on the first try.”

I swallowed hard. “I, uh... I wasn’t so lucky with your femur.” I flicked through the previous X-rays, pointing to the multiple shots of my attempts to fix the break. His eyes widened, mouth in a small ‘o’.

“That was my leg?” he gasped, “And you put it back?”

Both of our eyes glanced to the wound on his thigh. It was closed.

But I didn’t put any bacta on it.

Poe’s disbelief distracted him from my own. What I’d done last night with my crude attempt at Force healing had managed to not only mend the life-threatening severing of his artery, but also somehow pulsed enough energy to knit his wound back together, leaving a sealed laceration where the deep hole had been. Dread filled me again, weighing down so forcefully I didn’t want to move.

How am I going to explain this?

“T-thank you. For getting the bacta into it so quickly. Must have some good quality stuff.”

Thank every particle in the universe. He suspected nothing.

I moved slightly to position myself in front of the trolley that stored evidence of the low quality bacta solution and salve I had used for his chest wound and burns, and feigned a smile of appreciation.

“Just doing my job.”

All of a sudden it seemed to hit him, the situation he was in. His questions came out in rapid fire, desperate for clarification.

“Wait, where am I? What happened to my ship? Where’s BB-8?”

He began to rise from the mattress, wincing at the many injury points as he pulled himself into an upright position on the bed. The quick movement evidently made him dizzy, as he pulled his newly casted arm onto the bed railing to stabilise a wobble.

“Woah, just hold on a minute there,” I snipped, doctor mode engaged. “You’ve still got some serious injuries that need time to heal. Nasty burns, a collection of broken bones and the remnants of a punctured lung. Now bacta can be a miracle cure but it still needs more time before you start moving around again, or you’re going to ruin all the progress I made.”

Poe looked as if he was going to argue, but as my eyes bore into his, he recoiled back into the bed, sighing from both the pain of movement and the lack of answers.

“I was in the middle of an important mission okay?” he stressed. “There are people who are waiting on me. I need to get a message back to the Resistance. To tell them I’m out of commission.”

I tensed. The thought of the Resistance coming here to pick up their injured pilot was enough to make my heart beat faster. Sure, maybe Poe didn’t suspect anything, but the likelihood of convincing force sensitive people like Leia Organa, or the scavenger girl….

Attempting to fool them into thinking I’d healed this man with a bit of brute force and bacta would be near on impossible. But I couldn’t prevent Poe from contacting anybody without arousing even more suspicion. I’d just have to go along with whatever he wanted until I could formulate some kind of plan.

“Alright, how about I get you my transmitter and you promise not to try and move until I say so?” I offered, the tone in my voice not really implying that no could be an appropriate answer.

“Sure thing doc,” he agreed.

Maker, I hate when people call me that.

I made my way over to my tech station, using the moment to give him a couple of the answers he’d been so desperate for. “You’re on a remote clinic on Raxus, about 3000 kilometres- uh… klicks, from Raxulon. Your ship… Well, I haven’t been outside since it exploded at my front door. And your droid unit… I haven’t seen.” I realised quickly how insensitive this information came out when I looked up from my rummaging to Poe’s horrified expression. He began to sit upwards again, giving even less care to his wounds, forcing me to rush back to stop him. “I haven’t checked outside yet!”

“Why haven’t you been out there?” he demanded, eyes flaming.

“Maybe because I was stuck in here saving your life? And how was I supposed to know you had an astromech droid with you?”

He huffed, seeing the logic in my question. “Can you please check if BB is okay?”

I raised an eyebrow, curious at how much emotion he was committing to this piece of equipment. All of the medical droids I’d come into contact with over the years were extremely flat personality wise. Intelligent and useful, but I’d never grown any type of attachment to them. Nothing like Poe seemed to have with this BB-8 droid.

“Fine,” I sighed. “I’ll go look for the BB unit. Just please stay in bed. And… prepare for the worst.”

Underpromise, overdeliver. One of the many phrases I’d recited during my medical training. I just really hoped the latter would be the case in this situation.

The latch of the clinic door closed softly behind me, the crisp morning atmosphere somewhat refreshing for a moment or two, until I shook myself into focus to assess the completely destroyed X-wing ship consuming my vision. With sunshine finally illuminating the environment, rolling green hills of the countryside extending beyond the horizon, I scanned the blackened metal skeleton of the ship, ashes smattered all over the ground, glass and electrical wires splayed everywhere.

Well, this doesn’t exactly ignite hope.

Walking around what was left of the X-wing, I examined the surrounding area for any trace of a droid - not just the shine of metal, but the possible tracks left by a robot who was looking for its master. I walked slowly into the field behind the crash site, my eyes surveying every bit of ground, hoping to see any metallic glint that might indicate an intact droid.

Since the clinic was the only building for a few kilometres, there was hardly another structure it could be hiding behind, or lodged in. I almost wanted to keep walking, washing my hands of all of this, so I didn’t have to go back and tell Poe his obviously beloved droid hadn’t survived like he did. But another ruined machine caught my attention.

My comm-tower was flattened into nothing - steel, wiring and black plastic flattened into an artificial pancake.

Kriff, more bad news for Poe.

With my only means of communication squished there was no way any of my tech could send a signal far enough to reach the Resistance, let alone the next village over. And now I would have to make the weeklong trek back to Raxulon to get another one.

This day is kicking my ass.

With a long sigh, I ventured towards the ruined X-wing, assuming if I hadn’t found BB-8 by now, it must have been pulverised by the explosion I narrowly avoided last night. I searched the hollow structure of the ship, hoping for any scrap of metal that could be related to the droid, but it was all so black, covered in soot and melted, everything beginning to mutate into some other portion of the machine. When I skimmed over what was left of one of the wings, there was still a rounded hole I assumed BB-8 would have been housed during flights. An empty hole. There was always a possibility the BB droid could have gone searching for help beyond my clinic, but again, there wasn't a trace of movement in the dirt track leading away to the nearest village.

I think it’s time to be the bearer of bad news.

I extricated myself from the mangled ship, looking back towards the front walls of my clinic, noticing now the remnants of the explosion that had left countless dark stains over the light blue paint, along with a few cracks and impact points where metal had hit the cement. The bushes I’d planted a few months ago in time for this planet’s version of spring had been scorched, most of the green overtaken by grey and black soot. On closer inspection, it became obvious one had been split in half, the edges of leaves opening up to a large gap.

I quickened my pace and kneeled in front of the jumbled shrub, my hands diving in to push burnt leaves out of way, finally discovering a large metal ball of orange and white leaning on the blue concrete wall. A little cracked and dirty, but seemingly intact.

Oh wait, where’s the head?

Scurrying around on my hands and knees, I felt around the bushes once more, moving along the line of the wall. The twigs were scraping against the skin of my arms, but I was too excited for the possibility of some good news that I ignored the sting they caused.

Unexpectedly my hand struck something hard, pushing the stiff lower branches out of my view to find a domed head dug into the ground. Picking it up, I brushed away some of the dirt, surveying for any obvious damage. Its antennae was crooked, a few deep scratches slicing the metal, but it all seemed fairly superficial. With the head in hand, I strode back to the body unit, beaming with the thought I could ease even a little bit of Poe’s worry.

My delight was swiftly dissolved when setting the pieces together. I’d assumed the magnet would hold and the droid would spring back to life. Instead, the head slipped straight off, sinking into the ground once more with a muffled thud.

Yeah, that seems about right.

*

“I have good news and bad news,” I declared sheepishly as I walked into view of Poe, lugging in a separated BB-8. His face burst into an illustration of relief, then confusion as his brain finally registered the image of his dear friend separated into two pieces, and lifeless.

As I placed the metal components onto the hospital bed at the side of Poe’s leg, he looked up at me. “This is the bad news right?” His hands tentatively checked over the BB unit, attempting what I had done not minutes ago, and watched the head piece slide back over the metal ball and dive into the mattress.

“Um… Actually… This was meant to be the good news,” I grimaced. “The bad news is that my comm-tower was completely flattened by your ship. None of my transmitter tech is going to be able to send out any messages until I can get another one built.”

Poe’s jaw clenched, and I only noticed now the dark stubble that glittered the lower half of his face.

“And when would that be exactly?” he queried sharply. I didn’t like the tone of his voice.

“At least another week if I left now. But I can’t leave you like this, you’re still in critical condition.”

It was obvious he was hiding his frustration, hands scrunched into balls. “They can’t wait that long.”

I scrambled at any answer that might settle him. “I mean, maybe some of the villagers could help, but there’s no guarantee-”

“Then get them to help!” he exploded, making me step back. At seeing the startled look on my face he softened, realising the severity of his demand. “I’m sorry, but this is just… so important. I know you’ve already done more than I could have ever asked of someone, but I still need more of your help. The fate of the galaxy depends on it.” His eyes glistened with hope, a silent plea, sending a cold wave of unease down my spine. He held a bandaged arm out, hand open, reaching toward me.

I didn’t want to be a part of this. It was exactly what I had run from for so long. Even now the immediate urge was to bolt out the front door, leaving behind this stranger who could unravel everything I’d built.

But there was something about the expression on his face, the desperation in his eyes, calling out to me. I was all he had right now. I was his only lifeline to put him back on whatever journey he had been travelling before fate made him, quite literally, crash into me.

“I mean, if the fate of the galaxy depends on it…” I mumbled, placing my hand tentatively in his. “Okay. I’ll help you get back home.”

~

Next Chapter

Tag list: @tlcwrites @roanniom @foxilayde @blackberries45 @hopeamarsu @caillea @princessxkenobi @mariesackler @leatherboundbirate @blowthatpieceofjunk @mylifeisactuallyamess @poedameronloverx @millenialcatlady @jynz-andtonic @lightsinthedistancee @modernpaw @paterson-blue​

Just let me know if you would like to be removed or added, no judgement!

[babydotcom]

ok i’ve messaged my doc about this but i’m going to put a med update under the cut in case anyone is curious and/or has any thoughts/advice or whatever (0 pressure i’m just babbling here)

okay so in case you don’t know i was diagnosed with pretty severe ADHD a couple of weeks ago and started taking meds for it last friday! i’m on an extended release stimulant that’s supposed to go for about 8-12 hours.

for side effects i had a pretty good headache the first day that went away, trouble getting to sleep that’s getting better every day, and appetite issues and dry mouth that’s slowly getting less severe. i just feel really connected to my body for the first time as well and that’s kind of disorienting, and i felt so Fast that first day but that’s improving as well.

as for effectiveness it was awesome for the first two days! i was focused and able to follow conversations all the way through, and really productive, and had almost no issue with executive function or task switching! and i was in the most fantastic mood for the first time in a long long while, no anxiety and even my depression felt better??? but now, it feels like it’s not even working. i’ve been staring at an open wip document for about 4 hours and doing nothing, and conversations are hard again, and i’ll straight up forget what i’m doing as i’m doing it. like early on i could tell when the meds wore off because it was almost like a switch flipped, but it seems almost like the window of effectiveness just shrunk to the point that i think i had maybe half an hour of the type of focus i had on friday.

i don’t know if my symptoms are worse after the meds stop working or if i’m just more aware of the severity since i had a taste of neurotypicality (which holy fuck i’m jealous that y’all get to feel like that all the time!) but noticing how bad they are is kind of increasing my anxiety again and i feel like i’m cycling on station. like i feel like i’m forgetting something but i’ve run through every list i have, mental and physical, and i just can’t figure it out. responding to messages and stuff is harder too. i think i just need to up my dosage, right? it’s hard finding sensical info online but if it worked really well for a while and is slowly becoming less effective that just means my dose is porbably too small i think??

something else i’m noticing is that my sensory sensitivity is higher since i started medicating? like i had to wear sunglasses in target yesterday bc the lights were too bright which is unusual for me. it’s making me feel more sure of my autism hypothesis? and i’ve read that other disorders can become more apparent when u start treating adhd so that’s what i think is happening....but there’s also the worry that a. maybe i got misdiagnosed with adhd and the meds are actually just tweaking me out and making me feel like i’m experiencing autism symptoms and b. i am actually autistic but i don’t have adhd and i’m taking stimulants for no good reason and finally c. i just have anxiety and nothing else and it’s manifesting in ways that look like autism and adhd. so. idk. maybe that’s just imposter syndome talking but i wish i had more time to sort this shit out before i ship away from my gp and my therapist (who’ll keep me on as a virtual patient bc she’s a saint) and have to feel normal enough to Do School lol

[jessiebanethedragon]

Dulled Senses (hunter x reader)

Hunter gets hyped up on pain meds and starts making confessions

If the situation wasn't so dire, it would actually be very funny. A stoic man with heightened senses and one of the highest kill counts in the entire GAR, was currently blissed out on far too many pain killing stim shots. 

But considering the huge gash that covered his lower back, Tech figured it would be okay to hype up the dosage. 

“That’s a lot of bacta.” You said with a small voice standing in the doorway, too afraid of entering the makeshift hospital on the Havoc Marauder. The guilt was already eating away at you.  Every thought was overwhelmed by another that said ‘not good enough.’ It was your job not to be seen, and today it seemed, you were failing miserably at it. 

“He will be fine. He always is.” Crosshair said from behind you, passing your frame to get into the main area. He didn't press. Crosshair always just knew, he knew that beyond the cold exterior of a republic spy, you were sobbing. You closed your eyes briefly. Taking a breath. 

“Trap!” You had screamed into the coms, ducking behind the closest study object, atop a separatist military building. Clutching a stolen datapad in your hands and a blaster in the other. The rest of the team had been on the ground, creating the distraction you needed to get inside. Only to be cornered between what felt like a million droids and free falling to your death. 

“Can you make it to the rendezvous?” Tech's voice crackled into your ear. Your answer was drowned out by a grenade that had fallen into your cover, forcing you to dash to the next piece of scrap metal cover. 

“I’m on my way.” Hunter’s voice was cool and collected, “Tech get back to the ship, Crosshair - aerial support.  Wrecker, get me as far up there as you can.” Looking down you see the Bad Batch jump into their orders. 

“Hunter you can’t…” You started to object but it was too late. Wrecker had thrown him about halfway up the five story building, Hunter was now using his viroblades to scale it the rest of the way. 

“Have a little faith, Bug.” He chuckled, and you wanted to roll your eyes at the nickname. (chosen by Wrecker after you took down a whole fleet of droids thanks to a carefully placed computer bug.) 

The Havoc Murdader was circling the building now. With Crosshair sniping droids out one by one. And Wrecker gave even more cover fire from well timed grenades. Rolling out from behind your cover firing your blaster at anything that moved. Before being pulled to the side by Hunter. Falling unceremoniously into him. 

“You’re going to be okay.” he’d told you upon seeing the amount of blood that was everywhere, small scratches adding up until you looked like a small demon. “I promise.” 

It was that promise that had landed him and electrostaff in the back. It had cracked his armour into two and the scream that had left the both of your when it happened was inhuman. 

“You coming in or what?” Crosshair snapped you back to the present. Tech was looking over any of his other wounds while Wrecker set up the autopilot. 

“I don't think I should.” You mumbled. Not trusting your voice at the moment. His hair was piled around his face, covering the tattoo you loved so much. His eyes were fluttering between barley open and closed. Laying on his stomach arms by his head, breaths coming in soft puffs. 

“He’s coming around, He’ll want to see you, Bug.” Tech stated. Watching you carefully, the unspoken thing between you and their sergeant felt deafening today. Slowly you set yourself on the stool next to him. Reaching out to touch him before deciding it was a bad idea. 

“Hey thereBug.” He  grunted opening his eyes fully to look at you. 

“Hey Sarge.” you whispered. “You gave us a real scare there.” Your eyes watered no matter how hard you tried to stop them.  What happened next was a shock to everyone

“Woohoo! Spooky.” Hunter laughed before closing his eyes again. “Tech he’s higher than a gas mine on Bespin.” Crosshair said unimpressed.  

“I know I know, I went heavy on the meds,” Tech said slumping into a chair in the corner. Hunter had now moved an arm so he could tap your knee while saying “bug, bug, bug.” with every tap. 

“At least he’s not in pain.” You said taking his hand and moving back onto the table. 

“Prettiest bug.” Hunter mumbled into your hand, which he’d somehow snatched. Crosshair let out an amused laugh. 

“Ooh this is going to be good.” He leaned forward on his knees. “Who’s the prettiest bug Hunter?” 

“Crossha-” you started. 

“(Y/N)” he all but moaned out.  “She’s so beautiful,” you gaped at him. Hunter was never  like this, whatever Tech gave him must have been the strongest stuff in the galaxy.  

“Do tell.” Crosshair pressed, enjoying this a tad too much. 

“It’s the eyes, I think. So bright and calming. But also the hair, I love the hair. Wanna touch it.” his eyes closed again, letting out a small hum in contentment. You moved from the stool so you could kneel beside him, face to face, one hand holding his and the other going through his wonderfully dark hair now.  

“It’s okay” You said with a small giggle, “you’re pretty as well, very nice hair.” Hunter beamed at you with those words. 

“Ni kar'tayl gar darasuum.” He whispered, forgetting his brothers were in the room. You didn't speak any mando’a, but Techs soft: 

“Woah” made you think he’d said something serious. 

“What?’ you panicked, “is he okay?” 

“Yes, he is okay.” Tech said, still in shock that Hunter had all but confessed his love for you in front of them. 

“Mhi solus tome,...”  Hunter was mumbling again. “mhi solus dar’tome…” His brother's jaws had officially hit the floor, and you were scrunching your face in confusion.  “mhi me’dinui an, mhi ba’juri verde.”

“Holy. Kriff.” Crosshair said. 

“Hey, Cross we should see how  Wrecker’s getting on.” Tech said quickly getting up and ushering his vod out of the room and around the corner. Both of them hiding and still eavesdropping on the conversation. 

They could hear you begin to sniffle as the guard broke down now that you were alone. 

“I’m so sorry Hunter. I’m so sorry.” You whispered. Pressing your forehead to his, something he’d done once when you were injured. 

We are one whether we are together or apart, 

We will share everything and

We will raise our children as warriors.

You didn't know the translation, the vows lost upon your ears. 

“Please get better.” You cried into his hair freely now. “I can’t live without you.” Hunter was losing consciousness again. 

“I love you.” He said softly, barely audible. 

“I love you too.” You said the second the words had left his lips. But he was too far gone to catch them. 

[fitgothgirl]

Sorry in advance for a long, depressive, non-fitness post (I hope my “keep reading” works, I always forget how it works on different devices and whatnot).

Well, I tried to call a couple of psychologists I got from my insurance website. One of them said her practice was full (despite being listed as taking new patients), and the other two phone numbers didn't even work... I got frustrated quickly and just called the community non-profit counseling center I've been to before (graduate students doing counseling under a psychologist supervisor). I've been wanting an actual psychologist since my problems are so chronic and tangled, but it's better than nothing and good for some acute care. They have a sliding scale but it's still slightly more expensive than my insurance copay, but it's easy/familiar to me at least. But they called me back and said it's a month-long waitlist right now... I put myself down for that but I'm annoyed at waiting a month to only see a graduate student at a higher cost. So in the meantime, I will try to find more psychologists to call around to. I know everything with healthcare, physical or mental, is super full right now though...

I also wanted to find a new psychiatrist but I got discouraged by my insurance website since it's obviously not a good guide, so I just called my current psychiatrist and made a phone appointment for next week. I know it'll only be like 10 minutes with the nurse practitioner but whatever. I'm guessing they're just going to up my dosage since I'm on the lowest dose, which is kind of what I'm hoping for anyway. It was so helpful at first and then just wore off... So I like the idea of upping the dosage since it will help me right now, but I also worry about getting into a cycle of it wearing off and then upping the dosage more and more. Does that happen? I've read that if you feel better right away from an antidepressant, but it wears off after a couple months, it may be that it was just a side effect from starting the medication and it wasn't the medication itself in the way it's supposed to work. So who knows, Effexor might not even be right for me like I thought. I honestly felt so good that it seemed good to be true anyway... But if the dosage gets raised and I can get some temporary happiness for a month or two in order to help me get through a really bad episode and find a therapist and a new psychiatrist, then that's worth it. I’m at the point again where I’m just grasping for anything.

But yeah, either way I'm stuck for now. Can't get therapy any time soon, can't adjust my meds for another week. I was back at work today after my mental health day yesterday but felt just as shitty as ever and got easily overwhelmed by basically nothing. I wish mental health days actually helped me feel better. I'm glad I did what I needed to do yesterday with pursuing help, but otherwise, calling out of work for depression doesn't really do anything for me except help me avoid life. And then surprise surprise, I have to go back and am in the same position. And my anxiety was so bad today too; that’s not usually as much of a problem for me as depression. At work I felt like I couldn’t get a good breath and I was nauseated and everything was just way too much. For a few minutes I flushed and then suddenly got cold and shaky and dizzy and almost had a panic attack; when I flushed I wanted to go outside for air but it was smoky from wildfires and a lot worse than the indoor air (the state of the world is NOT helping my depression/anxiety...), so I just stayed at my desk. I was trying to figure how to ask to leave work just 45 minutes early which felt ridiculous. But I was able to calm down and wait it out. I’ve been home for a few hours now and have had a couple drinks, which is the norm for me the last two weeks. I just don’t want to be sober lately. (TW, dark stuff ahead) And oh my GOD am I getting bad urges to go back to old self harm habits the last couple weeks. My skin is just screaming for it lately. I’m just getting constant intrusive thoughts of “i wanna die i wanna cut i wanna die i wanna cut” and I can’t turn it off.

Anyway I’m sorry if you’ve made it this far lol. This isn’t supposed to be a depressive blog... I just need to get it out somehow. Especially since I can’t get into therapy!