#and how scary that moment was for him when he relapsed

[jameswilsonsupremacy]

uhhh basically I can’t word all the things but I ranted abt my own experience in tags. main takeaways:

- relapse ≠ there was no progress. your progress is still there and still matters

- relapse IS NOT ALWAYS a part of recovery, but often times is. that’s okay. what matters is how your actions change (ex: do you reach out for help now? use more coping skills? are you honest with you/your loved ones when maybe you weren’t before?)

- stop fucking demonizing addicts & mental illnesses

- also it’s okay if the people around you have a hard time helping through a relapse. nobody has all the answers. that’s okay. their emotions are just as valid as yours—there is a difference between demonizing someone/someone’s battles vs. being hurt by a toxic action.

- Cuddy’s initial reaction very well could have been anger/disappointment/etc while still remaining in-character. what was OUT OF CHARACTER was her continuing with that and not seeing/valuing any of House’s progress. you can’t control initial reactions—she was hurt that House was stressed to the point of relapse. but Cuddy is smart and would’ve been able to take a step back after her initial reaction and recognize/value House’s progress to this point. in canon, that is not what happened.

time 4 me to rant abt house again. tragically i think abt that old man constantly

so let's talk about the demonization of addiction in the show, specifically in season 7 + season 8. sorry if this is formatted really weirdly or doesn't make the most sense but i'm not sorry enough to change it

house is an addict. this is an incontrovertible truth. house does not stop being an addict once he gets sober, and i think the show treats that fact in a downright cruel way. this extends through a LOT of parts of the show, particularly in the ways that house and his pain management are treated, but none of them make me quite as angry as season 7.

in season 7, house relapses. he relapses because he is terrified. house is not good at coping and we all know this, and he spent many years coping with vicodin. it made his life easier to live in so many ways!! but in season 7, he's sober (and his pain is being managed in such a shitty way but WHATEVER) and he's faced with the frankly terrifying thought of his partner having cancer, and he relapses! there is literally nothing wrong with this. relapsing is normal and okay and not an issue. recovery from addiction is not a straight line! relapsing doesn't mean you have failed or that your recovery is ruined or damaged. relapsing is common and normal and something to be treated with kindness and patience and support.

when house relapses, cuddy responds with anger and breaks up with him. i do not understand a universe where cuddy is an accomplished doctor, a kind person, and the partner of an addict, and yet she reacts the way she does to his relapse. it is utterly unbelievable to me because it is so fucking incredibly out of character.

not only is this unbelievably out of character, it is so fucking cruel. for a show with a relatively okay/nuanced depiction of addiction and disability to take such a sharp turn into "once you relapse you are a failure" is so....... demoralizing and saddening. they decided house is a failure because he relapsed. they decided house should lose the people who love him because he relapsed. they decided that house should commit literal and actual attempted vehicular manslaughter as a snowball effect result of relapsing. i don't understand how the show went that direction, and frankly it makes me so fucking sad to see

[conduitandconjurer]

I think I've figured out one thing (beyond that .... "ending" ....) that bothers me about TUA s4 and Klaus.

It seems like the popular dichotomy, in terms of his characterization, is "fearful of life because he's mortal" versus "careless and effectively invicible" and that somehow being divested of his abilities would pave the way to healing and guarantee sobriety. Klaus's rage at his family for saving his life by returning his powers is proof enough that HE believes this. Alongside this is the presumption that all of his character development last season, mastering the gift of immortality, is itself--RATHER THAN THE WAY THAT HE MASTERED IT (by being led on and used by Reginald, and made to equate his worth with his usefulness/skill)--should be nixed. It's bad for him to be porous to the veil between life and death. It's bad for him to be immortal. He can't "deal with it" and he'll go on a bender the moment it's restored. His unwillingness to drink the "marigolds" (until he's dying and forced to do so) is supposed to be proof of this.

I have some qualms with this line of thinking, despite its solid attempt at showing character development.

I think Klaus is braver than people give him credit for WHILE he is mortal. Friends have posited (and I agree with this part) that he becomes very high strung and phobic about any form of injury or illness because even though mortality is scary to someone who just found out he was immortal...and then lost that immortality...he also feels he has CONTROL over his own body and mind and life that he was NOT afforded when he could be possessed by ghosts and used for his conjuring powers (both by family and predators). And I've been harping on Klaus's need to actually have agency and grant consent since that squicky Ben-possession joke in season 2. But, agh.

To begin with, I don't think Klaus is 'afraid' of life (or at least that the fear is unwarranted or laughable) so much as he's forcing himself to endure what he KNOWS is deeply perilous and unfortunate t unlucky people like himself, without resorting to the powers that also open the door to substance abuse. Of all of the Brellies, he tries the hardest, the most often, to break patterns, when he sees that there is motivation to do so (more on this later). He is hardcore and brave as fuck, rubber gloves or not.

But is it really a good thing, or even necessary for Klaus as a character, to equate no powers with guaranteed sobriety and powers with falling off the wagon? I don't think it is.

Unfortunately, this is hard to glean from the audience pov, because all we're given in this season is the most extreme, toxic, abusive, stomach-turning example of how his powers can be abused the moment they return--and how, of course, this exacerbates relapse. We get the whole 'have sex with his body while the deceased possess it, for drug money" subplot. We get him getting so desperate for the cycle to end that he begins inviting harm and self-harming out of some grim hope that his powers will fail (getting shot in the head scene). And he needs the drugs that this awful situation provides BECAUSE OF said situation. Compound upon that the PAST trauma that it's opening back up like a raw wound (literally, from at least the age of 8). Of course Klaus is using because of his powers, but because THEY'RE BEING ABUSED.

Klaus's abilities don't guarantee a fall off the wagon. His low self-esteem does, and the inability of anyone in his life to communicate with him or intervene does. When (deleted but still important scene) Lila's relatives are calling him, in front of him, a loser junkie (etc), and he says, "Yeah, that's....that'd be me," Klaus is mortal. We see the cogs in his head turning: yeah, I'm worthless, what's the point. And it's already too late right there, unless someone intervenes.

"What's the point," AND NOTHING ELSE, is Klaus's kryptonite. And he isn't a fatalist by nature, I'll (controversially, I guess) add, but there are things nobody can endure forever. Klaus, like any addict, is there because of underlying core beliefs about himself and about his ability to change his circumstances. What I love about the deleted scene that shows Klaus INSISTING on having his AA meeting is that he becomes his own advocate, because well, the Hargreeves are "all assholes" (well spotted, Klaus, lol) in their own ways, and each has to be their OWN intervention. This has more to do with self-determination than it does with seeing ghosts. The cause and the remission of Klaus's addiction is deeper-seated than powers that are given and taken away at surface level.

Why is this so important to me? I guess because to me the powers Klaus never asked for still remind me of something perhaps not initially intrinsic to someone's being--but still something they have to integrate into their lives in order to go on living. I think it MEANS more to fans who identify with Klaus (at least it does to me, someone with debilitating chronic illness) that he be able to transform his abilities into a strength that is, to Klaus and his loved ones, benign, while also not letting it become the central facet of his identity. He IS a medium, but he is also OTHER things. He is a human being, and all human beings have many interests, roles, and hopes.

The precipiating events of Klaus's trauma are NOT his ability to see ghosts or resuscitate. They're the abuse inflicted by those who would use Klaus for their own gain. Why should he give up his powers in order to heal, just because Reginald is an unconscionable monster who was willing to kill his own child over and over and over? I wish Klaus himself had had this epiphany before the show ended.

Losing his powers for good would certainly be the quickest route to healing and growth, and fine, if fans like it, go for it. To me, though, it feels like "don't ever wear crop tops because if you do, you won't get SA'd." Like, no. Maybe the world needs to operate by a kinder standard. Maybe Klaus needs a real support group, a better family of his own, to help him contradict his feelings of self-loathing. Maybe he needs the AA counselor to stay when he shows up for his chip. Maybe he needs reliable transportation to and from. Maybe he needs to move to a different city. Maybe he needs to chat with some of the ghosts he sees, and start a fucking Tuesday evening afterlife meditation circle. Maybe he can get a cheap apartment and fill his living space with succulents that he has to be held accountable to feed and water and keep ALIVE. Maybe he should become an AA counselor and help other people go the right direction. Maybe he should resort to poetry or knitting every time he has an urge to use, and that can become a healthier compulsion. Maybe someday he can get a kitten or start dating again (someone alive, in this century). What Klaus needs is to have MORE in his life to define him than his powers and how they can be used for the benefit of others.

Maybe the TUA writing staff is weirdly sadistic and won't let any of that happen. But by God, we can. And it's important. It's important that healing and remission not be dependant on things others can bestow or take away (like powers). It needs to depend on something internal, an "internal locus of control," as the CBT shrinks call it. THAT is having control over your own life.

[bleue-flora]

Hiiii I'm trowing this idea to you because I'm scared of posting it and just being completely wrong

But, don't a lot of c!Tommy's core traumas come from pogtopia and c!Wilbur? Like his claustrophobia, his paranoia, I feel like that starts in pogtopia when C!Tommy was under the (very bad) guidance of C!Wilbur

Like even with revivedbur I think he's the one who makes Tommy (we get who I'm talking about no need for the C!) relapse? Dream was avoiding everyone and everything, and Tommy was not doing good but his mental health would get so much worse after hanging out with revivedbur

Ahhh so throw me under the bus I see how it is ;D. I’m not a big fan of Wilbur so I won’t speak much on this because it’s really not by topic of expertise, but I do think that while Wilbur definitely screwed Tommy up and Pogtopia was a trying time, I’m not sure that’s where a lot of his trauma started. For starters, I didn’t even know he was claustrophobic, because like he lives in a cave right? How is he claustrophobic?… anyways for instance his trigger of dark blocks like black stone started with Eret’s betrayal and grew from there - made worse by the bunker room and then obsidian from his time in prison. He became triggered by pastures due to Exile and those are the triggers I can think of at the moment.

I think the longer Tommy went without seeing Dream the better but then Wilbur (Revivebur) brought him right to Tommy and he’s reminded of how alive and armored and scary Dream is, which yea does not help his mental health much. Wilbur leaving as well doesn’t help because I think Tommy felt a sense of safety with Wilbur and for him to leave and Dream to still be out there it just adds to Tommy’s fear and paranoia…

[diabolikpersonals]

I don't mind the direction they took shu's CL route but I do kind of mourn the loss of the "shu tries to get yuma's memory back" scene we never got. it would've been a really tough thing for him to do, but imagine how sweet it would be.

Yuma's sense of self is kinda on shaky ground, right? I'd say he's still recovering from his last "you aren't the person you thought you were" revelation, so if Shu's going to let him know that his entire memory and concept of the world around him is a lie, then he's going to have to be so gentle with him. He can't just invoke guilt and trauma like he did with Reiji. Besides, he doesn't want to linger on negative memories with Yuma anyway. Yuma hates it when he does that.

So he could try to remind him of good times they've had together instead. This is a change of pace for Shu. All of the happy moments they've shared have been punctuated by tragedy, and Shu is so used to fixating on that tragedy. This would be the first time we'd see him sit down with Yuma and talk about the happiness instead. And, even though Shu is talking to a brainwashed Yuma, this would be the closest Yuma's ever gotten to really understanding what a positive effect he's had on Shu. Because Shu has told the audience stuff like "Edgar taught me how to love life" but he's never told that to Yuma before. Recounting it like this could help both of them out! Yuma might get closer to getting his memory back, and just saying stuff like "there were hard times but I had a lot of fun with you" out loud could help change Shu's outlook. we r healing, baby!!

And of course, the thing that I believe that Yuma will appreciate the most is that if Shu did this, he'd be showing Yuma a great deal of trust. Shu has a LONG history of keeping things hidden from Yuma (he didn't even tell yuma that they were childhood friends! yuma had to remember that himself!!) and it wasn't till the end of Dark Fate that Yuma finally convinced him to tell the truth. Shu's scared, and he feels like he's protecting Yuma by keeping the truth from him. But that's not what Yuma wants or what he deserves. Yuma deserves to know the truth about where he came from, his relationship with Shu, how his village burned, etc. So now that Yuma has lost his memory again, if Shu has learned his lesson and listened to Yuma's feelings properly, he should know that Yuma deserves to know who he really is. Even if it's scary, he has to be brave and tell Yuma the truth.

It would be a real indicator of Shu's character development if he did that! But he doesn't. We can see that Yuma gets frustrated when he doesn't, too. In the Labyrinth End, Yuma believes that it's all his fault—he thinks he was left out of the plan because he wasn't trustworthy enough; that's why Shu kept him in the dark. If Shu could've trusted him more and told him that his memories were false, then Yuma would feel so much prouder later :') Because it's like he and Shu overcame a major hurdle together, not just in the plot but in their relationship.

When Shu explains in canon why he doesn't try to get Yuma's memory back, he kinda brushes it off by saying that "it'll make things too complicated." I don't think he's being honest at all. I think being truthful with Yuma is still so frightening to him, and perhaps it wasn't a step he was ready to take. That's fine. Character development relapses happen in Dialovers all the time, and it's part of what makes the characters and their relationships feel so real.

...but imagine how nice it would've been :')

[kart0]

Incredible. I really do feel like I am dying. I can feel my body withering away. I went to class and I could not walk, my legs were shaky, my vision was blurred and I was seeing spots. I had a presentation, and I kept stumbling on my words. I am so confused and I can't think properly. The only thing I had today was soup, for dinner. And I feel so ill and miserable. It's so interesting how I can now finally see what is going on. And still, cannot change anything. It's just becoming worse and worse, I have been eating less each time, skipping meals. I have not had breakfast nor lunch for quite some time now. I only snack a bit. I feel so cold, all the fucking time. I always had thin wrists, and skinny hands, not like those pretty hands with long fingers, no. A normal, average hand. But now it got to a point where it is boney and rather scary. I am afraid of myself, of what I have become. I am afraid and scared of how much I feel this sick twisted feeling of pride, wearing tight clothes to show how skinny I am, as if it was some kind of badge of honour. Look, look how much weight I loss, without exercises or proper diet ! But also, I feel like deep inside, reeeally deep, I keep showing off as some sort of plead for help. Please notice me ! Look how skinny I got, in such a short amount of time ! Look at me ! Notice how I have been eating less, skipping meals, not eating any of my favourite foods ever, feeling sick all the time. Please ! I know I will not ask for help... So maybe that's why I am asking for someone to come to me. Please, maybe I am important too. Please, help me.

I am scared of telling anyone. I am scared of permanently damaging my body. But I also am terrified of gaining weight. Which is why I have not told my therapist nor my psychiatrist. Nor my mom, nor my sister. I only confessed it here. This is my safe space. Or is it ? Has it become a source of enabling my behaviour ?

I had a relapse yesterday and ended up getting very intoxicated with alcohol. Not my proudest moment. My dad said some pretty mean things to me. And when he's upset or angry with me, or he feels like I have disrespected him, he ignores me. Straight up pretends I do not exist, he does not acknowledge me at all. And I pretend it doesn't upset me as much as it does. Like if this didn't make me feel so unimportant and irrelevant. Like this doesn't make me want to die. Maybe I should do that. I am nothing but a burden anyways.

And I goes on for weeks, and months, and it hurts me so much. And I try to make amends, to ask for forgiveness. But it only stops when he decides it's been enough time.

I relapsed and took so many shots of vodka, and because I have not been feeding properly I obviously felt very sick. I woke up at 5am and kept vomiting, and I had nothing to vomit. It was just bile and acid. I drank water and felt sick and vomited the water I just had. It burned.

I am so hungry. Why can't I eat. Why can't I be normal, and live a normal life, and just be ok for once. Why do I have to keep having these mental issues, I have depression, bipolar disorder, autism, and adding to the mess, anorexia.

I wish someone loved me enough to realize what I am doing.

[lostwillow]

Spiraling // Self

The cold concrete bit into Willow’s thighs as she sat there on the curb. She only wasted a brief thought on regret for wearing such a short skirt but there were so much bigger things consuming her at this moment. And yet, they weren’t big things at all. At least not for everyone else. It wasn’t the first time that Willow had the deep pains of being left behind or failing to measure up. The desire to run away from her issues had been growing for months and she had just been shoving it right back down. She liked Greywood…didn’t she?

Her heels had been discarded to the side while she waited, though she wasn’t exactly sure how long she’d been there. When she stopped at a stop sign and a gun was shoved in her face, it wasn’t fear that she felt. It should have been, but it wasn’t. She was just annoyed. That in itself was a sign that something was really wrong with her, wasn’t it? Normal people were scared when someone stole their car while you were still in it. Bailey hadn’t been scared either but she had a reason not to be. The gun wouldn’t have been very effective on her. And then they were off. Willow’s van gone. Taken. And Bailey was giving chase for some reason. Probably boredom but it was best that Willow didn’t hold her back. So she sat on the curb…and waited. 

Willow’s knee started bouncing. She had nothing to distract her and her thoughts were starting to spiral. It started with Bailey. Why would someone so beautiful and capable want to waste her time with someone like Willow? She was hardly going anywhere. Just a waitress who, despite being off other substances for years, still drank far too much. And who couldn’t handle even the basic emotions to the point that she escaped into anything she could get her hands on. Books, work, the bar, other people. That last one probably hurt the most and she only did it to herself. That was a habit she had gotten into very early in life and it never changed. Even once she came to Greywood, Roman had been the first to fill that void, then Tyler came back, and Jace was a new one. 

Tyler. Willow felt her chest tighten and her arms wrapped around herself automatically. Something easily explained away by the temperature and her very revealing clothes. She wanted so badly to be good enough and deserve someone like him but she just knew that was never going to happen. Despite having a setback, not that she considered turning into a wolf a setback, he had actually gotten his life together. He went to school. He got a job he loved. Why couldn’t she get it together like that? Every time she even thought about it, everything just felt so out of reach.

Her palms were pressed tightly to her eyes as she tried to push the thoughts away. In the years since she quit all the pills and drugs, she had never been as close to relapsing as she was right now. She could justify it with the circumstances, right? Anyone would be traumatized by what just happened. The problem was she wasn’t. It felt like she had just reached her max on trauma. The things she had been through before this just made being threatened feel like an exit strategy and not scary. What was it Avery had said about how parents were supposed to protect their children? That hadn’t been her experience. And if her parents couldn’t find it in them to love her, who ever would? She didn’t even like herself most days. The memories Avery shared with her played through her mind again and she felt like she forgot how to breathe. God how she wanted that. She wanted just someone to care when she was little, anyone. But the pain he felt losing that. She couldn’t bear it. But that didn’t mean he would always feel it. Someday he could get it back, if he wanted. Did he want it? She hadn’t asked. Of course she hadn’t, Willow was a selfish brat. Nate had said something like that.

That mechanic had heavily implied that too, hadn’t he? He wasn’t wrong. Willow felt so bad about that day. He hadn’t exactly been nice but she was completely in the wrong there. But she still hadn’t been scared. Offended maybe, but not scared. If she was honest with herself, she almost felt relief. Both then and tonight. Finally it was all going to come to an end and it wouldn’t be her fault. That was so wrong. There were so many things wrong with her and no one knew. No one would ever know. If Bailey figured out how to get her van back, she could just pack it up and drive away. New state, new city, new number. She wouldn’t be missed. 

But then her father would be right.

She was just so tired. Of all of it. And it just seemed endless. God she needed a cigarette but those were in her van which was god knows where right now. Willow took a deep breath and wiped her face. She should be sobbing but her eyes were dry. Crying in front of Avery was the first time she had cried in years and it wasn’t likely to happen again anytime soon. Instead she bit at her thumbnail and tried to think of literally anything else. She replayed the last book she read in her mind, then tried to translate some of it to Russian. Then she tried to remember the fairy tales her nanny would tell her and imagined she was the hero of them. If it was make believe, she could do it. The real world, not so much. 

Headlights illuminated her face and she relaxed. With Bailey, there was always reprieve from her destructive thoughts. But Bailey wasn’t always there. And what was going to happen when she was alone again?

[larabiatasstuff]

Part three 🖤

I sat up and stretched myself before I got ready for the day. I had a quick chat with Quiet and asked Tinker about that tasks for today. I worked in some kind of workshop cleaning car parts and putting them on shelves. It was a dirty work but much better than dragging and rolling tires from one place to another. It was late afternoon and I was already finished with the lower shelves. I stood in front of the the wall thinking about a way to reach the top shelf when I suddenly felt hands on my sides. "Need a little help?" I turned my head and looked directly into Sweet Tooth's face. I needed a moment to realize what happened while John, Quiet and the others stood behind us laughing. "I... You... Oh my god you're awake!" I said and Sweet Tooth chuckled "I am. Are you okay Y/N?". "Am I okay? I couldn't be more okay at the moment I mean you're awake and you seem alright, I mean you look alright. Are you alright?" I started babbling but before he answered, he took me in his arms holding me close to his body. "I'm alright Y/N just a little dizzy but I'm feeling okay." gently stroking my hair "I was so scared, I thought I wasn't fast enough I was..." but he didn't let me finish. He took my face in his hands and looked directly into my eyes "You were incredibly brave Y/N, I wouldn't stand here if it wasn't for you. And I heard you used the fun button." that made me laugh "I did." "And how did that feel?" he asked "It was fucking scary Sweet Tooth." "I bet it was. I'm proud of you tiny Y/N" "See? I told you the big guy's gonna make it, why does nobody listen to me?" John asked. "Because you're an idiot." Quiet added and everyone burst out laughing. We spent the rest of the day together, having a small celebration for his recovery. I was the happiest person on earth and I couldn't wait to get back on the road with him. We decided to stay for one more night because Rosa said it would be safer to have an eye on him just in case he would suffer a relapse. It was already late when we were lying on our backs next to each other in the truck talking about our next steps. "Where do you want to go Y/N?" Sweet Tooth asked "What do you mean?" "I'm asking if I can take you somewhere you always wanted to go." I couldn't help but smile at this "Hmm, if you had asked me this when the world was still normal I would've told you many places but now... there's no place I'd rather be than here, in this pink ice cream truck with you and Harold." "Wow that's... I don't know what to say Y/N. I'm glad to hear that you're happy with me... and Harold of course." we kept talking for a little while before we both fell asleep.

Part four🖤

[queenwille]

idk y’all sorry to sound like a boomer but the whole carlos not wanting kids cause tk will outshine him sounded too out of character and flat and the conclusion was hella lame

let’s be honest even tk saying it’s fine by him was seriously ooc you wanna tell me he obsessed about pretzel sticks and literally everything in his whole life but when carlos says no to literally his biggest dream he’s just like cool with it??? if that ok isn’t a fucking ticking bomb ready to go off at any moment then what was the point

also owen’s advice sucked and was kind ooc. unless he thinks carlos will “grow out of it” nO WAY IN HELL he’d be this chill about not having a grandchild from tk his attached by the hip only son. also it was mega flat too the whole boomer “listen to your wife she knows best” vibe

sure it’s a great conversation to have on screen because it’s an issue many deal with, but i can think of a few potential storylines for either of them to be wary about having kids so this important subject gets the screen time it deserves:

carlos’ in the police and he gets to see daily how evil and scary the world can be

being scared he’d be a shitty dad cause his relationship with his dad took too long

tk being scared cause he’s a recovered addict (genetics, being overwhelmed, relapse… so many things to cover there)

trauma from the past

demanding jobs and how they aspire to keep growing on their careers

too hard and draining for an LGBTQ+ couple to even try (being scared of the heartache it might bring if it doesn’t work out)

hell even a discussion about if they should adopt or make a baby could have been more interesting and deep

whatever that episode was just ain’t it

NOT BUYING ANY OF IT

[spinecurlingmice]

somebody let me talk about hajime emotional relapse after the simulation Pleaseeeeeeee.

we see komaeda relapses often, mikan's a plenty pluck too, and you rarely see the others (from what ive found (i will stop that just give me a day where im able to crack my knuckles, it'll be a nice char study.)) but. hajime. ole' dependable.. hey where's his moment of weakness

he's therapy errand boy in most posts i find him post nwp but i never see the absolutely Destructive effects that. Ynow. remembering he was a labrat and how he just hung as junko's right hand for a bit until she died and then actually survived in memory because she made an ai of herself. and he like. Helped that happen too.

i need to see him just. So empty and hollow. need kazuichi to be like "hey man whats with the scary face haha" and hajime just Looks at him like he's already felt everything in the world fall through his fingers - the sand of a future can't even be soft when it slides too perfectly off his palms, it scraps like leftover beer bottles and shells, litter and gravely. the water of the beach is not pretty, because hajime, somewhere along the lines, learned to swim but never forgot the fear of what it felt like to drown. isn't it so futile, and doesn't it make him just wanna fall back into the pattern of focusing on how unsatisfied he is? that itching burn that has left a hole where his fingers cant touch the insatiability to keep it quiet, but he can pull back his bangs and and prod at the scars that're noticeable, and wonder how many more are hidden in his scalp. and isnt everyone in a pattern, the sun will rise and set and the moon will come and go, and the pattern that had hajime feel comfortable because there was always time, something he could rely on, is just so irritatingly boring now. it will happen because it does, and the answers come easily - hajime never thought it'd be so miserable to just simply Know how without even needing to think.

when he was a little kid he wasn't even able to stop using floaties, doggy paddling and gasping as he got another noseful of the burning sensation of saltwater. now he could throw any technique out there and still somehow nail the shot, he could run in the olympics if they still existed. it almost feels like he's desperately reaching out past the water but it just sways back and fourth, and the current will grow and hajime will know how to get out of it like he has for a while now.

isn't it so boring to be alive, or, is being the way he's become really living? and is he even still himself after what's happened?

Whatever.............................. i don't need the content... (begging begging begging begging begging beggi

[iamdrowninghelpme98]

Entry 18:

2024

~~~~~~~~~~~~

September already.

Lately, I’ve been feeling an overwhelming sense of loneliness. The days feel longer, and the weight of staying sober is getting heavier with each passing moment. I haven’t relapsed, but it’s a constant battle, and some days I feel like I’m hanging on by a thread. I don’t know how much longer I can keep fighting this on my own, it’s an awful layer of extra weight knowing I have that baggie of drugs so close by.

R has been texting me more, and as much as I know I shouldn’t, I find myself responding. I’m so lonely, and it’s hard not to entertain those conversations when he’s one of the few people reaching out. He even sent me money for food, something no one else has done. It’s not like I expect or deserve help from anyone, but somehow, R is always the one who ends up being there when I need it most. I don’t even have to ask. He just knows I need it, everyone knows I need it, but he’s actually helping. That’s making me question everything- am I making the right decision by pushing forward with the divorce? I feel so confused. Now to be fair, my adopted dad has offered to take me grocery shopping twice- but I had to say no. I don’t think his wife would like that, and I don’t want her to think I’m taking advantage of her family :( so had to say no. I miss him a lot though, and I miss her too.

I miss having them around.

I did see my adopted dad some weeks ago, we had dinner and it was honestly amazing. I love being around him, I feel safe. He’s one of the only men I trust in this world. I would really love to see him again soon, and hang out, hopefully he wants to too.

I’m hate being lonely.

It’s not that being with R makes me feel less lonely either, but with him I’m not alone. He’s just somebody who, albeit treats me bad, has never abandoned me. I don’t have many people I can say that about.

One time when we were having a bad fight, he was doing his best to convince me that not one person in this world cares about me except him. I told him that wasn’t true. He told me he would prove it. R would do this thing where he would handcuff one of my wrists to a bed post, and take the key with him so I couldn’t go anywhere when he was mad at me. This particular time I was handcuffed he placed my phone across from me on our dresser. Out of my reach to use, but within my sight line. He said as soon as someone texts me to ask how I am, check up on me, or even just acknowledge my existence, he would undo the restraint. Until then, no moving around, no eating, no nothing. I sat there for days. Staring at my phone, waiting for a notification to come, waiting for someone to say anything to me.

No such text came.

People don’t remember I’m here, I’m not on anyone’s mind, I’m a transparent person people look past. Always have been.

On the fourth day I caved in. I was hungry and my arm hurt from the cuffs. He made me admit that he was right, no one cares, before finally releasing me. I was embarrassed, miserable, and further convinced R has always been the only one who remembers I exist on a regular basis.

So I agreed with him. He then proceeded to tell me he loved me as he finally unlocked my wrist, and told me he wished I would just learn things the easy way.

Despite all of that, I know deep down it isn’t real care or love- it’s control. But after feeling so abandoned, even the illusion of care becomes something I cling to. How do you walk away from someone who knows exactly how to exploit your darkest moments? I guess I keep thinking that if I don’t go back to him, I’m risking losing the only person who pays attention, no matter how destructive their regard is.

I don’t know what to do.

I spend most nights awake dreading the day to follow. I’m exhausted, but I don’t sleep. The nightmares are back, and they’re bad. Sometimes they feel so real—scary things that I can’t shake even after I wake up. I struggle sleeping on my own, but I’m too embarrassed to tell anyone. So I walk a lot at night, alone. It helps sometimes, but I wish I was asleep. I can’t afford the medication I was prescribed after being diagnosed with my nightmare disorder. It was helping so much, and now I feel like I’ve reset back to routine of parasomnia. I can’t afford any of the things that were starting to help.

I’m so tired.

I’m tired of everything.

I know I need to get my mind off getting high, I have to think of something else.

In rehab, they always said you have to get clean for yourself, but that’s never worked for me. I’ve always done better when I focused on how the people around me would feel if I was doing better. But these days, I don’t feel like I have many people in my corner. I’m not even sure who I’m doing this for anymore.

I like to think about my daughter in moments like this. I can’t ever be completely alone if she’s always with me, in my heart. I miss her so much. For a long time, she was the only person I had to talk to. When my husband took my phone away while I was pregnant, I was left with so few people around me—just him, his cousin, and their friends every now and then. So I’d find quiet spots to sit down and talk out loud to my growing baby girl.

I’d talk to her by name.

Her beautiful name. When I was little, I loved princesses and everything Disney. When I was about four, I misunderstood the ending of the princess movies and thought they said, “Happily Everly After.” It became a little joke in my family, something I’d say all the time. That’s where her name came from. It felt perfect, like it was meant to be, because I wanted her life to be full of the happiness that Disney movies promise- happier than anything I could ever imagine for myself.

She was only on this earth for a brief moment. I held her for as long as I could. She had my nose, something I had always disliked on my own face but fell in love with on hers. So small, so dainty, she had her dad’s long lashes, they were so long and beautiful. I got to hold her little hand in mine, she was perfect. The closest thing to a real life angel I will ever see. I think about that moment every day. When I was alone in my delivery room with my little girl. Just us two. I don’t want to forget that time ever, it was the only time she was in my arms. It’s a hard memory to replay. Bittersweet. Haunting. Precious. All of it. When she was first in my arms, she was warm and soft, but I held her long enough to feel her go cold, and yet, she was still my little girl.

I miss her, and today is national daughter day.

It’s awful.

I wish one of my parents would reach out to me. But I don’t deserve it, and they know that. So they don’t. And won’t.

My husband was the only one who acknowledged the day with me, he called and we spoke a bit.

But I spent the day alone.

And I’ll probably be alone tomorrow.

Alone.

:(

[briamichellewrites]

15

Jasper discovered that he was diagnosed with late-onset bipolar disorder after going to a psychiatrist with Christina. His symptoms were mild, though they affected his professional life. He was highly respected by everyone who worked with him. They started noticing he was making careless mistakes with patients, he became easily frustrated and he seemed disorganised. It was far different from his laid-back, calm and professional personality. Christina begged him to get help. What if he was having a midlife mental health crisis? He shared his diagnosis with the medical board.

They called him in for a meeting after receiving complaints from patients. He was on medication and was involved in therapy. Because he was getting help, they would not take away his medical license. But, he was on thin ice. If he had more complaints, he was looking at having his license revoked. He understood. Thank you. He disclosed his diagnosis to Bria during a family therapy session. She was proud of him for getting help.

One of the reasons why he was mentioning it was because it was genetic. Her psychiatrist was screening her for the illness. She was at the age of onset. The psychiatrist would take into account his diagnosis when doing her assessment. Mike found that interesting when he heard about it from Bria. Jasper came across to him as a rational person. It gave him cause to research the disorder more thoroughly. Joe missed having her come over. Though he wouldn’t admit it. He was talking about getting a dog, but he couldn’t afford it. Maybe he would do it in the future.

“My pet name for Mike is dude.”

He laughed. Yes, they didn’t call each other romantic pet names like babe, honey or love like other couples. Well, she called him babe once or twice. He was mostly known as dude. While visiting her, they attended a therapy session together. It had been a month since she was admitted. They talked about how she would not be sober forever. She would have slip-ups and relapses. It was part of the disease of addiction.

The psychiatrist recommended therapy to help her through her sobriety. They would look into that. He reminded himself that it wasn’t her fault. Yes, that was true. While it wasn’t her fault, she was the only person who was in control of her sobriety. That could be empowering.

It could also be scary and overwhelming. They never thought about that. Yes, it was true. She was the only person who could control her sobriety. He was proud of the progress she was making. It was one step forward, two steps back. She wanted to go back to making music. Her psychiatrist thought she should get used to being home first before jumping back in. She would be setting herself up for failure.

Meow. Rob looked at Mowgli. What do you want? He was trying to study, but Mowgli was being annoying. Pay attention to me, human! His brain was tired from looking at numbers and statistics. He closed his notebook and put his head down on the table. Why did he choose to major in accounting? Mowgli rubbed against his leg. Thank you. As a senior, he often had moments where he thought about quitting. No, he couldn’t give up. He picked him up after bending over. Mowgli purred in happiness. This was why he got a cat. All of his stress disappeared when he was with him.

He also helped him with his loneliness. In high school, he wasn’t really the guy who dated a lot. He had one serious girlfriend, who he dated for two years. They broke up because they were immature teenagers. He was still a virgin, which he was a little embarrassed about. The other guys were experienced with different girls. Not him.

He wanted to because he was a guy with hormones. It just hadn’t happened yet. He was awkward when talking to girls. It was like coherent thoughts just went out the window. He couldn’t even use his sarcasm to get by. It was like he put his foot in his mouth whenever he tried to say something. How To Talk To Girls 101. That was a college class he needed. His anxiety played a factor in his inability to get a girlfriend. As did his depression. They made him doubt himself. The other guys had a lot better luck than he did. For now, he had Mowgli. He was his four-legged son.

Bria was raised differently from the other residents. Her parents let her make her own choices and mistakes. As a teenager, she had more freedom than other children her age. They trusted her until she gave them a reason not to. They also taught her from an early age about consent regarding her body.

Instead of being forced to hug people, she was given a choice. It was progressive parenting. She was also given a lot of freedom because they worked a lot, so they had to trust her. How did that affect her? It taught her how to be responsible. Did she ever get into trouble? Oh, yeah. It was never anything major like getting arrested. It was more like getting locked out of the house or forgetting her schoolwork at home.

Things that were inconvenient but not worth getting grounded over. What was she like in high school? She was the girl who was performing in the school plays or talent shows. After school, she had dance classes, voice lessons, and piano lessons. They were interested in hearing about how she was discovered since they heard her music on the radio. She was nine years old when her voice teacher sent a video of her singing to record labels. After auditioning, she almost got signed. Her parents thought she was way too young. She auditioned again when she was sixteen and got signed.

After school, she went into the studio to work on her album. It took about two years to complete. Mostly because she was in school. She and her label also disagreed about the music she was making. They wanted her to be a pop star, but she wanted to be an alternative rock singer. To prove she could be a rock star, she trashed the A&R guy’s office. They laughed. Did she get into trouble with him?

No, he thankfully got the point she was trying to make. She didn’t cause any damage, since she mostly just threw a bunch of papers around and threw everything off his desk onto the floor. After that, he started taking her more seriously. Why was she in rehab? She was drugged during one of her projects. They gave her cocaine while overworking her. She had what she and her boyfriend thought was a heart attack. He brought her to the hospital. She was diagnosed with exhaustion. They put her into rehab to help her get out of her contractual obligations.

It was also so she could work on herself and rest. She wanted to get back into music when she was discharged. She was almost back at her original weight. That was something she was happy about. When she looked at herself in the mirror for the time, she saw how thin she was. She also saw dark bags under her eyes. It was disgusting and she hated how she looked. As she gained weight, she also gained her self-confidence. She felt more beautiful because she was finally healthy again.

@zoeykaytesmom @feelingsofaithless @alina-dixon

[the-firebird69]

Patrick Stewart on the moment he knew he was done playing Professor X

This is one of the more incredible things I've ever seen is not true it seems to be down on the character at the end but he's not really he understands our son is in trouble like his brother and has a momentary relapse and realizes he's doing something wrong so yeah I was happy he felt too many times to say and they are in trouble falling for things he gets the analogy any understands who's playing his character and he sees the cross the x chromosome or different genetically and he says it couldn't have worked better unless we planned it so those symbols are made by the max and it's not too hard to figure out cuz you can't find out who did it nobody did it and it worked it's a big win for all of us here on Earth we are going to celebrate tonight let's hope you guys don't try and attack us too much we're already having problems but this is great and who said it too when I have is an empire of darts and it's very scary and he's saying Logan if I don't make it you to take over and it says that too you can use time. So our son says this is the perfect example of why Cheyenne is not really it and he says why part of it is them having you to the character they're calling out some things are going to do and what happens on the in the movies I'm helping to make happen and he looks miss his uh-oh they have horse room stuck in it too I'm 3 years old kind of and he knows what maybe not even so he kind of got upset then said you're picking on a baby and then said he's the ruler and it's your plan to follow his plan so well we'll go to The institute I think it's a Vanderbilt house and you would think on it from the perspective of the max and what other people would see and that's what he did and went in so let's see how you use your power and it's greatness I have to think of it in my own of course it's an idea but it's my character and it's happening to me and you would be in character and Charles can walk around he uses a second energy and our son said wait a minute you have to sign it that's all he did so he shined his head I didn't know why but or something so funny and it's the set of character that Comic-Con they saw a lot of Xavier with shiny heads and they said it's like Excalibur the shiner the better. Our son's okay but the daily stress is huge and Trump's injuries are massive and it's scary for people and money is to distract them and stuff and he's getting through it he says he's going to do it we're helping and the pseudo empire makes a lot of rude comments the empire I mean geez so this is the idea here is for people to polish your heads and go as Xavier then it's about Saint John's and educating yourself

Thor Freya

It's an exhausting study but really it's right in our laps it's real easy to see it's easy to read he figured it out with us helping a lot of it was him and it's frustrated and is searching things over and over very repetitive and finally he broke the code I've never seen a kid work so hard on this I've never seen a kid break this code and I've never seen one do it a little bit more than us this stuff is rich he says he thinks his brother left him stuff and it doesn't think the computers can do it they don't have enough diversity and the signal is in the air it's like having your brain stretched out and it's really weird but that's what it is they said it too I don't think I'm going to win but I'm going to do something to them try to toughen you up it was very tough but I got this stuff this is all code and the weeks to come you're going to see things happening to me that happened in the past they put me on trial as Nathan Hale and it's a different character I know what I was doing and it's the pseudo empire they're going to do gross things and hang me I don't think it's over because we haven't reached 76 yet. I am reminded of something I was hung as a rebel and I was entombed and then broken up and he says that might be it meaning my people will be attuned and conquered and then try and get me there Concord Massachusetts and if I make it there they'll get me out there but I know where it was and now I can get ready we're avoiding what the max plan to do to us and as a result it goes right on the money and it weakens our situation

Trump

Olympus

[danaealexandra]

My latest depression hit me hard this afternoon. I had to call in sick to work. I couldn’t bear it. The idea of being around anyone.

I made a list of things that help me feel better when I’m depressed and the only non-destructive one was: Distract.

I started In the Tall Grass by Stephen King and Joe Hill today. I forced myself to continue it and it’s been quite engaging. It’s funny I feel like I can guess that many of the pop culture references are Joe’s. Maybe I’ve just been reading too much vintage King though? He’s obviously not making relevant pop culture references in books he wrote in the 1980’s, ha.

I’m so tired but I really don’t want to throw off my sleep schedule. I feel like it was just right last week…Oh. Of course, I just realized I’ve been having trouble waking up in the mornings. I’ve been sleeping in later and later. Weird how depression can effect your sleep schedule days before you even realize you’re depressed. It creeps up on you. I feel like I have gotten a million times better at recognizing my moods now that I’m single. Back then I was dealing with small levels of terrorization on a daily basis that would often erupt into fights. Constantly being on guard and worrying and wondering, “is he drunk already?” “How drunk is he?” “Wait wtf happened? how was he normal and then ten minutes later completely annihilated?”

“It must be my fault.”

But it wasn’t. Thank God I know that now. Going to Treatment and reading The Big Book were so eye opening. I wish every single person who’s dealing with an addict in their life would read it.

It is a progressive disease. If you can’t or won’t get a grip on it, it will eventually kill you. Sooner or later.

I’m so glad I don’t have to stress about whether it’s going to be sooner or later with him anymore.

Honestly, his poor fiancé. I’m certain he’s hiding and lying about his alcoholism to her too. He had liquor hidden throughout our house. He might have been able to “cut back” for a time……perhaps even long enough to have gotten engaged……but it always comes back. The scary thing about it is that you always start exactly where you left off. If you were doing 750ml of whiskey a day when you decided to quit you will restart at that exact level the moment you relapse.

It’s equal parts certain and bizarre.

I heard multiple stories (including in The Big Book) about alcoholics that quit for 15-20 years and then relapsed and then shortly thereafter died because they went back to the exact pattern that they had left behind.

[generous1ty]

I just found this account and the way you decorated your account is just perfectly splendid, it reminds me of a dreamy kind 90's anime game in a good way if that makes sense :)

So, back to my request;

Fuyuhiko, Mikan and Mahiru with a s/o who passes out due to period pain, in front of them.

Like, who would notice they were in pain sooner? Who would froze and panic? Who would try to help right away?

(This happened to me ones and since I had heavy periods too, I needed to go hospital and to say the least, it sucked. I needed to take norethisterone for 2 weeks after hospital. )

sexily beatboxes to gain reads/follows

anyway, hey anno!! :)) my account theme is now edgy red with emo diluc, however. i was very flattered by your compliment when my account was still a pretty purple with sparkles :') thank you for saying it's like a 90's anime game that is such a high compliment and i loved it (and still love it) a lot thank you <3

other than that, here is your request, anon from months ago! hope that you're doing well after that trip- sounds pretty scary, actually..

lots of love to you. :) <3

Fuyuhiko, Mikan, and Mahiro with an S/O who passes out due to menstrual pains

genre: fluff/misc.

warnings: AFAB!reader (gender neutral pronouns used), period stuff (cramps, blood, etc.) swearing, post-killing game (SDR2 spoilers), relapsing trauma from all three of them (killing games lol), clingy Fuyuhiko 🕺🕺🕺, panic attacks + medication (Tsumiki M.), i use the word "drugs" but it's just another synonym for medication, just a bunch of anxiety. seriously. and obviously, you being in a lot of pain. and also me writing too much, as per usual.

Fuyuhiko Kuzuryu

Fuyuhiko is probably the most panicked out of the three listed .

i know he's the son of a mafia boss and he's probably got a criminal record, but just because he does crimes and stuff doesn't mean he knows what the heck is going on-

kidding.

Although Fuyuhiko is fully prepared for the time of the month where you seem to be in the most pain, he never expected you to actually pass out-- no, he never thought it was even possible to.

so while he's out buying whatever you need and whatever you're craving at the moment, you're at his house on his luxury couch, under a luxury blanket with a microwaveable pillow on your abdomen, laying on a luxury pillow, in immense pain.

Fuyuhiko comes home with the bags of products on his arms and his face immediately contorts to worry when he sees you under so much agony

he's the quickest to rush over and hold you in pure panic.

"shi-- ff-- god! hey- hey look at me! are you alright? what's wrong?!"

you can't speak because of the pain, and he's not sure what to do-

and then you actually faint.

and it feels like his whole world falls apart when he thinks the worst had just happened in front of him.

he gets you into a car and the car is speeding through the streets.

he is the quickest to rush over and the quickest to get you to a hospital.

even if it wasn't life threatening, and even if it was (or is), he still wants it checked out and he still wants a professional to properly make sure you're okay.

you have to stay in the hospital for a while, and Fuyuhiko is adamant on staying by your side.

"you're gonna get a ticket for speeding down the road so fast. your parking sucked, too." you're grinning at him.

"...shut up and rest."

after you're finally discharged from the hospital, Fuyuhiko is a lot more anxious when the time of the month rolls around.

you have to constantly reassure him that it won't happen again, especially after the medication you were prescribed.

that doesn't stop him from worrying, though. even after the whole world was cleaned up, and after surviving a killing game with half of his sanity still in tact, that doesn't mean the trauma of losing those closest to you will disappear.

he grows a little scared time to time when he notices how fast a month passes by, but gets relieved to see that you're doing just fine.

Peko helps him out with his anxiety when he's away from you cause of work, and you always send him pictures and messages to reassure him you're okay.

he's just a lil puppy. just a lil guy. a lil guy with trauma. it's ok. he's ok.

and you'll both be okay together.

Mikan Tsumiki

so. i know, you know, we all know, that since Mikan is the Ultimate Nurse, that she would be great at taking care of you during your menstrual cycle.

she knows you bleed heavily, and that sometimes your cramps render you powerless at times, but she didn't expect for them to get so bad you'd faint-

she's by your side, gently caressing your hand (they're a little sweaty from her anxiety and constant worrying), as she eases the pain little by little.

she's done all she can; you're under a heated blanket with room temperature water, she's given you on-the-shelf painkillers, and massaged your abdomen with natural oils to try and get rid of the cramps-

she wants to avoid prescribing any off-the-shelf medication if you're not comfortable with it or if it's just a one-time thing and it'll pass

but she's really tempted to rush over to the hospital she works at and bring something she's prescribed last-minute to you after you've fallen asleep.

i mean, that would have been what had happened if you had just fallen asleep-

she definitely noticed you sweating a lot more than before, and you looked very, very pale. you'd yawned at least once in the duration she had been taking care of you, and your pulse had been stalling when she held your hand.

she honestly should have expected you to faint. the signs were so clear but-

you fainted.

your breathing was so heavy and shallow that she just blanked. and couldn't think of anything at the exact moment.

terrible habit for a nurse. but she's working to curb it. (woo!!! go Mikan!!!!! muah)

she immediately calls for an ambulance and paramedics get to the door and she's in tears and short of breath from her panic attack. she's so relieved that you both live so close to the hospital so that it didn't take long for people to show up.

after the paramedics take you into their car, she goes over to the bathroom cabinets to take her meds and rushes over to the hospital the quickest she can so she'll be able to treat you as well.

of course, since she just got done with a panic attack, and there are obvious tear stains down her face, and that you're her lover, the other employees at the hospital don't agree with her treating you in the state that she's in.

and it takes a while for her to agree, but she's convinced when a doctor tells her that she'll be too busy with the prescription to properly take care of you afterwards.

so you're both in the hospital she works at, and she's almost in tears again seeing you conscious after an hour or so.

"don't cry, little crybaby." you smile a little, it's hard to contain the smile from infecting your words.

"i--i'm sorry...!"

"no need to apologize, silly. are you okay? did you take your meds? i don't want you worrying too much even though i'm in this state," you laugh.

"i'm fine-- i'm fine..!" she's crying again after you're playfully joking with her.

the aftermath of the hospital visit is a lot calmer than before.

after being prescribed stronger drugs for your cramps, Tsumiki is doing a lot better during the weeks when you're at your weakest.

at least you won't pass out anymore. that's the good thing, because she'd rather you be conscious than unconscious.

unless you were in really bad pain. then of course she wouldn't want you conscious to experience that .

Mikan trusts in the medicines you're prescribed with, and she trusts herself and she trusts you trusting her. so, she feels alright now.

although, she still feels anxious time to time. nothing can stop that dreading feeling in her stomach when she notices how fast the days pass.

but she's fine, because she knows you'll be fine. and she'll take care of you through it every step of the way.

Mahiru Koizumi

aah. actually. Mahiru is so sweet and lovely i'm actually in love with her 😳👉👈

anyway .

Mahiru really takes care of you during your preiods; there's a cold towel in her hands and she's wiping down your body as it sweats from the heating pad on your abdomen and the apparent pain you're in.

Mahiru is used to you feeling this way during your menstrual cycles. but just because she's used to it, doesn't make the suffocating feeling in her chest disappear.

she dabs the cold cloth on your neck, then your forehead, and she gives you a small kiss for comfort as you squeeze her hand.

Mahiru saw you fainting as a possibility, but she would have rather thought otherwise than to think the worst.

after all, you're strong; you're sturdy. you've gone through this before, and you might be able to push past this, too. right?

she believed so. she hoped so.

Mahiru is talking to you all the while you're laying in bed, trying to keep the pain from distracting you from her words.

her voice is soothing you, and you feel a little calmer with her by your side this time, too. her warm hand in comparison to yours, and the cold cloth on your cold, yet somehow burning, skin.

"...so after we were done taking pictures, me and Hiyoko parted ways and..."

she notices you coming in and out of it, and before you say anything after she trailed off, she helps you sit up in bed.

she's concerned, and you can tell on her face that she's not happy with this development.

"we should go to the hospital. you look absolutely horrendous right now."

you know she's joking, but you can tell the severity of your condition in her voice as well.

so she helps you get into the car and you both drive to the nearest hospital. Mahiru's not trying to rush because she doesn't want to get pulled over (or a ticket), but her hands are clamming up in response to her unparalleled anxiety and the worry in her throat.

and you both walk to the front desk together, and she has a hand around your waist, then you completely black out after she's in the middle of her sentence of checking you into a room.

and, oh god, she feels faint. she feels like puking, her stomach is twisting and she wish it weren't so she could help you up.

but seeing another body so cold and frightened and bare again. it has her frozen and the front desk worker calls for staff to come and pick you up.

Mahiru is visibly shaking and a few of the staff try to calm her down, saying that you'd be fine and safe in the ER

and so, after treatment and diagnosis and a few hours of being by your side with you still unconscious, Mahiru is almost breaking down when you wake up.

"oh god, i ache all over..."

"yeah-- you-" she's trying to get a coherent sentence out despite her breathing, "you practically threw yourself at the floor..!"

you can tell she's trying to make light of the situation so it doesn't get too dark, but it doesn't stop her from crying in relief.

you give her a small kiss, and she kisses back in the moment. just glad to have you back.

after you're discharged from the hospital, Mahiru is adamant on having you take your medication and it being on schedule, on time.

if you faint on her again, she might die...

so she does all she can to make sure it doesn't happen again. everything within her power.

and she hangs up a little picture you took in her room of you two walking out of the hospital; her almost in tears and you smiling, laughing playfully with her.

she's just happy it wasn't anything immediately endangering to you. she's glad you're still here. she's glad it's you.

[thecarnivorousmuffinmeta]

i love your metas! I just discovered them today and have spent all afternoon reading them. I have two part ask, if that's okay. Firstly, do you think a sensible version of bella could survive if she recognised early on that keeping on Edward's good side was her only survival option? and secondly, on the flip side, just how unhinged do you think bella could be before edward rejected her?

Ooh, both interesting questions, anon. Let's do this.

Sane Bella and the Yandere Simulator

Last time, on The Carnivorous Muffin's ridiculous blog, we covered what would happen to a sensible Bella who realizes the Cullens are not fluffy bunnies she should take home.

The long and short, Edward eats her.

Edward's romantic interest in Bella, the thing that has him fighting his own baser nature to keep her alive, is dependent on a few things.

One of those is Bella's interest in turn.

In time, if Bella truly was not interested in him, he would eat her. Alice tells us there's only two paths for Bella: death or vampire. Leaving her and walking away is never a true option for Edward.

So, Sane Bella loses Yandere Simulator because she doesn't realize the key aspect of Yandere Simulator: You Never Say No to Yandere.

However, you point out something interesting here, that this is a sensible Bella.

Sensible people do not immediately think they're playing Yandere Simulator. You don't run across people like Edward often, there aren't many of him, and while there are red flags early in Twilight Edward did a pretty good job of making them not particularly visible.

By the time we hit Eclipse he's pretty much thrown pretending to be nice and sane out the window. Luckily for Bella, that doesn't appear to bother her as much as it should.

Bella thinking "if I don't play along with this inhuman whack job he'll eat me", is paranoid lunacy. It is not the first conclusion a reasonable person would jump to.

That it happens to be the right conclusion is irrelevant.

But alright, I'll play ball.

Paranoid Bella and the Yandere Simulator

Bella is utterly paranoid and wearing her tin foil hat when she enters Forks. She remembers Biology very well and when Edward comes back and pretends to be nice she gives him a strained smile and thinks, "This motherfucker will eat me the moment my back is turned."

Bella considers travelling back to Florida, but that would be leading Edward to her mother, more it would be very easy to find Bella if he truly wished to.

Florida isn't an option.

Bella tries to keep her distance from Edward, hard when he sits next to her in Biology, but he seems willing to ignore her. Bella calms down a little, maybe this will work out.

Bella is nearly crushed by a van, desperately pretends she definitely did not see Edward fold that van like a pretzel. Nope, no siree Bob, Bella is concussed! She then stays awake all night in terror and OH GOD HE'S CLIMBING THROUGH HER WINDOW! HE'S GOING TO EAT HER IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT! HE KNOWS THAT SHE KNOWS!

Bella pretends to sleep, horrified, and Edward stays there all night. Staring.

(Edward, meanwhile, is realizing he's in love.)

Bella enters school a nervous wreck, waiting for that fateful Biology class and... Edward is studiously ignoring her. He doesn't even say hello.

Bella would be relieved, except he keeps sneaking into her bedroom at night, staring. Bella gets no sleep for weeks.

Then the blood testing happens and suddenly Edward is talking to her. He tells her they shouldn't be friends and he doesn't want to be friends, GREAT, EDWARD, THAT'S GREAT. But then it's very clear that he's after something, and Bella's spidey senses are tingling.

Edward doesn't want to be friends.

Oh, oh shit.

Suddenly, Edward sneaking into her room at night takes on a whole, new, sinister twist. First he'll rape her, then he'll eat her (or who knows, maybe vice versa, Bella certainly doesn't want to find out).

Bella is driven home by Edward (he insists) and enters the house to wheeze into a paper bag.

She thinks over her options.

Edward can crush cars, Bella trips over asphalt. Even if she wasn't Bella, there's no way she could outfight him even if she wanted to.

Edward was very concerned when he suspected that she knew, he likely still suspects and Bella's not a very good liar. Bella doesn't want to find out what happens to her if Edward realizes she really does know.

Edward appears to have a romantic interest in her. Does Bella really have the option of saying no?

Bella, still wheezing in her bag, comes to what seems like an inevitable decision. She must humor Edward at all costs. For the sake of her family, of her own life, she must play into his romantic overtures. Bella can't act but now, her life depends on it.

Well, Bella still can't act, but luckily for her Edward doesn't care.

Edward just thinks Bella's very jumpy, a little nervous and shy, and just plain weird (given he thinks Bella's just plain weird in canon this is not too far from normal events).

So Bella gets to live in terror for things like the meadow, where Edward talks about how easy it would be to eat her, how he contemplated murdering Biology in cold blood to eat her in the most efficient manner, how he loathed her for daring to smell delicious, how Alice warned him there was a good chance of him eating Bella in the meadow today, all while pressing his cheek against her hammering heartbeat.

"AH HA HA HA HA, EDWARD, YOU'RE SO CHARMING."

Edward invites Bella to the house. These creepy, man eating, people all meet her with smiles. Edward has composed her a lullaby. One of them, Alice, tells Bella they're going to be best friends.

"AH HA HA HA HA, EDWARD YOUR FAMILY IS SO NICE."

In other words, somehow, all of Twilight still happens because Bella is terrified of saying no.

At least, until Volterra. Given Bella's being hunted by Victoria, even had Bella not gone cliff diving eventually Alice would see her eaten and then black out as the wolves chased off Victoria instead.

Bella spends New Moon having a great time. Mostly. The Cullens are finally gone, she's free, she spends weeks on edge thinking they might come back.

Just when she starts to relax, fucking Laurent shows up and learns Victoria's trying to kill her. Because of Edward, because of course, it's always about Edward. WHY ARE VAMPIRES ALWAYS TRYING TO KILL HER?!

Regardless, Alice shows up and goes, "Bella, my god, you're alive!" And Bella dies inside. Alice Cullen is back. Oh no.

Bella pretends she's thrilled to see her. Alice, her best friend, her favorite demon. Hurray. Alice fills Bella in on the New Moon scoop, Bella pretends to be very invested. Then Alice gets the vision.

Edward has decided to commit suicide via the Volturi.

Bella has no problem with this, unfortunately, she realizes that Alice clearly has a problem with this. Alice fully expects Bella to run off to Italy to save Fucking Edward.

Once again, Bella isn't sure she's allowed to say no.

Bella runs to Italy, finds herself saving Edward's life, and then she's brought before the Volturi where she might very well be executed because Edward Cullen happened to involve her in this mess.

BELLA NEVER WANTED TO BE HERE.

Bella snaps. She's crying, she just can't take it anymore, and she finally loses her shit at Edward. SHE NEVER LOVED HIM! HE IS SCARY AND WON'T LEAVE HER ALONE! IF THEY'RE GOING TO KILL HER JUST DO IT NOW BECAUSE SHE CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE.

Aro watches Bella's mental breakdown in utter amazement. Naturally, while Marcus suspected something was funky with those two, Aro did not see this coming from Edward's perspective.

Aro offers Bella her out, it is unfortunately death or vampire, but vampire is very much an option and Aro will offer Bella sanctuary in the Volturi.

Bella takes that offer and runs with it.

Edward is devastated and blindsided.

Somehow, neither he nor Alice saw this one coming.

But to answer your question: Paranoid Bella survives Yandere Simulator By Defecting to the Volturi

How Unhinged Does Bella Have to Be For Edward to Dump Her?

He won't.

Remember, Edward in canon thinks there's something legitimately wrong with Bella. She doesn't think like normal people, she always makes the least rational choice, and he can't hear her thoughts.

Edward doesn't think Bella's gifted just that she's... different. (Bella, hilariously, immediately picks up that Edward's calling her a freak. Edward backtracks hard on that one.)

Bella's decisions also become increasingly ridiculous as the series goes on.

She stabs herself in the middle of a battle, she insists on having sex with him while human, she consorts with shapeshifters (to Edward this is lunacy), she picked up motorcycle riding, she threw herself off a cliff, she ran from his sweet protection to the reservation, she believes he doesn't love her, and she doesn't want to get married.

I imagine Edward thinks there isn't anywhere left for Bella to go. She's left the planet, unhinged is her middle name.

But none of that matters.

I already linked the Edward/Bella post I always link near the top so I'll just recap. For Edward, it's all about the blood, the silence, and the projection.

An unhinged Bella is still a delicious and silent Bella. He can still pretend she's Carlisle.

Even if Bella became addicted to cocaine, and ruined that sweet scent, it wouldn't tarnish her memory. He'd nurse her back to health, then eat her so she never relapses.

That's the trouble with Edward/Bella, it's not about Bella, not at all. You could replace her with sweet smelling cardboard and Edward would not notice a difference.

[byakuyasdarling]

I do want to talk about this briefly. It’s pretty much universally agreed upon that Byakuya’s ENG voice sounds best in early THH and in his in-between lines (what’s voiced here) — he has his deeper pitch and more monotone articulation. His monotone articulation is actually excellent characterisation, and is held a lot more in the original JPN VA, more particularly when you compare his CH2/3 trial lines. Having him only emotionally articulate in big moments gives a sense of significance to them and how it’s playing off/ impacting his beliefs (CH4 — redefining the KG for him and dropping his veneer more; CH6 — realising whole family and what he’s based his life around are dead).

Byakuya is obviously not emotionless, but he’s practically been groomed to appear he is, which is why his monotone articulation is such important characterisation I wish held in the ENG dub more. Compared to the very emotional cast, he stands out BECAUSE he lacks it in his voice. It fulfils the intimidating image he projects earlier in the KG as he stands in juxtaposition to everyone. His threats of murder become so much more powerful because it’s more believable he is capable of cold-blooded murder without guilt. It’s also a “show don’t tell” thing — we don’t need to be told the fact he’s composed and controlled because we can hear it in his voice.

His monotone voice and marginally more simplistic design than the other “quirky” characters actually serve to differentiate him in a really important way. He’s not a character you can necessarily suspend in a moment of disbelief when he’s acting threatening (during CH2 before the murder) because he’s so much more grounded in reality at that point. He has no outlandish outfit or personality traits like other characters. He’s selfish in the KG, like any human would be in a hunger-games-esque situation (which is actually referenced in his achievement for completing his FTE events):

(I would also say this is a good reference with his backstory too)

The only way he actually gets away with some more “unbelievable” talk after his initial threats of death in CH2 is this build-up of his character. You didn’t need to know about his influence to know he’s a threat because he already demonstrated that just through design contrast and voice. If he didn’t, he’d just sound like a cringe serial-killer-wannabe for the most part.

Byakuya epitomised THH as a more believable cast in comparison to D//R2. Characters are too selfless and quirky to be taken seriously in that game and doesn’t reflect realistic human nature (obviously it doesn’t have to, but it does miles for the narrative and atmosphere if it was). Nagito is a far more beloved character and “antag” sure, but that’s probably because people could easily excuse him as he felt so fictional, so not real. I never felt threatened by him because he wasn’t grounded like Byakuya, just insane. Byakuya consciously makes decisions, consciously plays into the aggressive caricature of himself his family demands him to be — and that makes him a way more deliberate and scary “villain” at first glance than the initial unpredictable chaos surrounding Nagito (ON FIRST IMPRESSION).

Byakuya is a great character because he’s layered. He wants you to think he’s intimidating, he wants you to fear him and find him deplorable, he couldn’t care less. But when you see those outer layers of his caricature peel in later chapters and coming to a head in CH4-6, you see what he really is. Another victim of the game. He cracked like everyone else, it just wasn’t noticeable. He’s not inherently violent at all, quite the opposite, but the KG’s adversarial environment it fosters caused a relapse in his trauma (that paralleled the KG situation) and compelled him into “fight or flight” to survive — hence his actions. He’s human and had natural human reactions considering his past and circumstance. Narratively he lacks intimidation that now he’s shown weakness, but he doesn’t need to as he’s moulded into his correct role as an anti-hero that reflects his actual self a lot more.

He does have less empathy than others, yes — but he does clearly have it in his own way and can process emotions (D//R2 CH6). Outside of the KG situation, he is not even close to that extreme, so we can surmise his more problematic behaviour was circumstantial like Sayaka or Aoi.

I think his ENG voice actor is awesome (and just a great guy in general), but I think later on he gives Byakuya too much emotion in his voice, hence loosing a lot of significance his voice holds for his character and the narrative atmosphere as a whole without realising.

I have too many husband thoughts,, I must snuggle him

Also, haven’t heard his voice in so long <3 (I just don’t interact with the fandom at all) and aaaa, he is so handsome,,,