#and how i have and also how time passes and also how ive developed chronic problems over that time and-

[b4kuch1n]

tdov was like a week ago already but I just wanna say when I came over to vacation slash help my sworn brother move flat he told me, "ever since you said you wanted to get top surgery I've been thinking about it. it's straight up number two on my bucket list"

[asterroses]

the tiny tot tig [his name is 'tig' btw] has existed for the same amount of time as the veilguard reveal trailer . which is like 3 ? months old ? wild .

[okidenshi]

Saw your tags on the chronic condition post and I feel that so hard. I've been sick for the past month and haven't been able to eat much as a result. I've been able to do maybe 10 hours of work over 4 weeks and have only had a few days where I can sit and play video games for more than 30 minutes at a time because I've been nauseous and in pain every time I eat. I'm having an endoscopy done tomorrow and I hope they'll be able to figure out what's going on because lord knows the ER didn't do shit (to the point that the GI doc I went to was FURIOUS with how little they did. I literally got put in a corner of a room, alone, with a screen in front of me and the nurses forgot I was there (which wasn't even the worst part of it).) I have two more dr appointments this month after the procedure and I'm hoping that, between the three, they'll figure something out because I'm so bored and tired and sick of not being able to take care of myself (Plus I miss exercising :( ). Glad to hear you're feeling better!!!!! It also gives me hope that I'll wake up one day and not feel like garbage lol

Aw man i'm sorry you're going through all that anon :(( I've been/am in a similar boat of course, especially w/ GI stuff.

(lol ok i went on for a bit so read more it is)

GI isn't my main problem area currently (pelvic floor my detested), but since childhood my tum was/was been the BANE of my existence lol; and ohhhh I feel you about the ER man- one of the most acutely painful experiences of my life was at 1:00 AM where all of a sudden my upper stomach/chest was just. it felt like it was strangling itself to death- i could barely breathe, i threw up just because of the pain. Mom rushed me to the closest ER, a small baptist one 10 mins from the house. They rushed me back and took some blood/did an IV, but by that time the pain was passing. They kept me for 3-4 hours, but had no one on site that could do an ultrasound.... all they could offer me was an x-ray, which wouldn't show anything anyhow. Doctor I talked to said it could have been 1,000 things, was guessing it was some really bad food poisoning........ exactly a week later, same exact scenario ensued, Mom rushed me to a different ER.... they did an ultrasound and literally said my gallbladder was about to burst & was full of gallstones :))))

Unfortunately getting my gallbladder removed didn't really solve my GI health- if anything, it kind of harmed it... I developed heartburn, and later pretty sever constipation. I developed colitis, and then later proctituis. Doc put me on stool softeners & miralax, and now I literally cannot pass stool's w/o taking those regularly.

Though I will say, before getting my gallbladder out, I also had a LOT of trouble eating food- I lost like.... 40+ lbs without trying to. I also would get fairly lightheaded/dizzy/just not feel "right" a lot of the time. I'd defo suggest getting an ultrasound done if you can to rule out gallstones from the "list of 1,000 things that can cause GI issues" :'D

I also had an endoscopy and a colonoscopy done (which i hope yours went well btw!) within a few months from each other, even after the surgery cause I was still occasionally getting pains, some just as painful as before the surgery- I likely think I have stray gallstones just. fuckign shit up. in my body. lol. That or they're like. kinda stuck int he bile duct were my gallbladder used to be... at least thats what the sickos on reddit have said :'D

Anyway, this all to say is I FELL YOU ANON :(( And I also miss exercising!!! i literally developed such a great scheduel for morning walks when i lived/worked at home, and was so excited to continue doing that after i moved- but tbh walking/exercising was so triggering for me because it's usually my time to focus/relax and all I could think about when walking was how much pain i was in/how I couldn't focus on the music... now i'm unreasonably scared to start back up again :(((

Though on the brightside, even tho i still am in pain, I am defo in a way, way better place than I was a year ago. It was so scary being in an amount of pain where I just... thought about not being here anymore JUST because of the pain. That was scary for me, esp since I felt like I should have been ontop of the world after moving.

But yea, defo doing... better :'D I hope the trend towards a more painless future continues, and that you get some answers/relief of your own anon! You got this and you're not alone! :D

[sas-afras]

on a real note, i do truly understand the frustration as an artist to be told to just “draw more” when you feel frustrated and like you’re stuck in your development. yeah, time and experience DO help to an extent! your brain will unconsciously take in information over time, improving your observation and execution— but passively.

but what if you actually want to put in The Work?? what if you want to actively LEARN better art skills, but the only advice you get is to just wait for it to happen?? ive been on both sides of the equation before, and it’s infuriating— most people (unless they’ve taken higher level art classes) are never taught what goes into actually training their fundamentals, and have no idea how to pass on their knowledge once they’ve learned it.

so! to make up for years of “just draw more” advice, here’s a compilation of my personal favorite studies, tutorials, and hot tipz for artists! it covers things like composition, anatomy, color theory (shudder) and dynamic posing, along with a few other bits and bobs that i’ve found useful over the years.

please feel free to reblog with ur own additions 💖

Line-of-Action.com - a website dedicated to figure studies! it has thousands of pics in its library that get updated constantly, with a variety of body types. i prefer to work in studio mode (where the time between each picture starts out short and increases gradually) to do proper warmups.

Draw Better Hands Now by Marco Bucci - really and truly one of the best hand tutorials out there. he includes some simple exercises to improve hand anatomy that are SO vital, using them just once made me feel so much more confident!!

pixel art tutorials by pixelartjourney - tutorials on building shapes & color work! they were made originally for use with pixel art, but the ideas apply to other types of art as well.

maximum simplicity challenge by jakedontdraw (tiktok) - a challenge where you have to recreate a portrait in as few brush strokes as possible. SO helpful if you’re like me and have chronic overcomplicating disease, and the creator does a great job at explaining how and why he completes the challenge the way he does! i also very much recommend his video don’t draw noses, which goes into a similar topic in more detail :)

coolors.co - color theory is hard. there are Some basic rules, but most of it is just observation and repetition. see color combos you like, and recreate them until you get an instinctual sense of what looks good together. coolors.co is a super useful tool that auto-generates palettes for use in your art AND has a feature to pick out a palette from images! (i recommend using movie stills, especially from animated movies where each color is deliberately chosen)

composition study - i can’t remember where i originally saw this explained, so i’ll just write it here: while watching a tv show/movie, pause with every shot change and draw a thumbnail of what you see. spend as little time on each thumbnail as possible, only blocking out the important shapes. here’s some pics of when i did this exercise with the opening minute of baby driver:

Wally Wood’s 22 Panels That Always Work!! - self explanatory, useful reference for both sequential art and single illustrations

truly humiliating how the only way to improve at art is to LOOK at art and then…… MAKE IT????? 🤢🤢🤢🤢

[a-romantic--aromantic]

tell me more about your experiences in real life aro spaces please *big pleading eyes*

okay so i am notoriously bad at answering asks because i’m on mobile, but i figured i can take a crack at this one

so i actually wasn’t in explicitly aro spaces, but due to the culture in my area, most lgbt individuals didn’t feel that they needed to use the pride spaces to have the ability to express themselves or feel safe. this very quickly led to queer spaces and clubs being full of aspecs. due to luck, i found my queer club was about 30% aro at the start, and about 50% aro halfway through. the more discussions we had about romanticism and amatonormativity and trying unpack and discover what romantic attraction meant, the more and more people in the club realized that romanticism didnt apply to them in the stereotypical or normative sense, and more and more people came out as aro. there were lots of conversations that included us just pointing out “that sounds like demiromantic” or “is that romantic attraction?” when people said something that sounded like a very aro perspective.

i also didnt join the aspec club at the university nearby because im not a student, but im always really tempted. im curious what a space intended for aspecs is like.

within my experiences, our aro circle was pretty large, and being open about queer identity and connection with our aro identity and community led to me knowing more aros, because you get excited if you overhear it in public, and the more people know about it the more people come out.

my aro circle did have a lot of dating in it, still, but that was because they were all aro4aro if that makes sense? a lot of people realized they were demi. and a close knit aro circle opens up nicely for aro identity being respected And developing romo attraction.

i’ve mentioned before that ive dealt with an exclusionist/aphobe irl, and that im annoyed their “romo aro” flag shows up in google. this person was actively a “chronically online” and “discourse” kind of a person. they held a lot of colonial ideals, were fairly ableist, and pushed a lot of people’s boundaries. this person was one of like 3 that were openly aphobic on campus, and all three of them gave off the sense that they were there to start arguments, not to engage in having a community of any kind. they were ultimately ignored by all the other allospec queer members. by and large, everyone accepted us in their queer spaces, and our “pride alliance” never once suggested that we didnt belong. we spent a lot of time talking about what mattered to us and how our queer identities impacted eachother, and how our communities intersected in various ways.

when the aros broke off to interact independently, our aromanticism was rarely brought up, it just was something that was a fact. we could talk about our struggles with our aro identity, they watched my blog grow, and we always chose activities that were friendly to the folks who didnt want to see romo stuff. ultimately it performed more as a tight friend group than as any sort of overarching activity to participate in. ive found virtual aro communities are pretty similar.

i dont know if this helps at all, but i do want to say you’re not alone in your aro identity, and you’re probably not even the only aro in your area.

for stats, i know:

7 arospecs in highschool , 2 aplspecs

10 arospecs in my close friend group in college , 2 (different) aplspecs

8 arospecs from my pride alliance (not in my friend group), 1 aplspec not in my group

4 arospecs in passing in college

an honestly unknowable number of arospecs from my old job, where ive been recognized from this blog before. these were mostly arospec and queer teenagers that were in awe of seeing a queer and arospec adult.

ive also made multiple online friends in fandom spaces who were not arospec or questioning arospec who recognized me from my blog, and, including both irl and online dating, have dated 9 aros/arospecs, and had qprs with 3 (tho ive had qprs with non arospecs too).

we aren’t an insignificant percent of the population. there’s honestly quite a lot of us and you shouldnt feel alone in this community. because theres so many of us, every aro community you join or create irl will be a little bit different. i live close to an aro organization that is in the nearest major city, and im thinking about volunteering and getting involved there, too. if you want to try making an irl aro community, honestly the easiest way to do it is just to be out and proud. they’ll come to you or you’ll help them realize it.

anyways i dont know if thats what you were asking, but thats everything i have in my brain for now. hope this helps.

💚💚🤍🖤🖤

-ghost

[coolthudethecoolest]

So I heard something about a Fred rewrite in the tags of that one post? I am here for a Fred analysis if nothing else

OH YEAH THAT yeah I have a Fred rewrite in a doc that also adds details to like the inmates and shit if you want I could DM it to ya if you're that interested. Its more of a backstory than a rewrite idk

Anyways I'm just gonna summarize it here tw for physical abuse, child abuse, themes of war, and neglect

Basically Fred's parents were pretty wealthy and pretty well liked. They owned a museum that archived a bunch of Napoleon shit. One distinct thing they did was do plays that reenacted certain events in Napoleons life. Fred was forced to be a part of these plays and he hated them, due to the overstimulating amounts of noise. Unfortunately, Fred's parents did not have patience to accommodate for his needs so if Fred didn't do it, Fred's dad would beat or threaten to beat him while his mother would gaslight him and show disappointment. This led to Fred not only developing DID but also gain extreme amounts of difficulty with talking about his feelings and fear of asking for much needed accommodations because he doesn't want to be a burden. (I imagine he never got diagnosed for his mental conditions and he never talked about them with his parents because of y'know them being awful and shit. I think this is also fueled by Fred already having Treacher Collins and like scoliosis or chronic pain or some shit and he just didn't want to "inconvenience" his parents more than he already does.)

Time passes by and Fred's parents didn't support Fred's desire to go to medical school and become a nurse, thinking that it was too "soft" of a career to have. Ironically, they were fine with Fred gaining a calligraphy degree, which he used to get his parents off his back until he could get a medical degree next while also doing something he actually liked doing. Later on Fred becomes the head orderly for Thorny Towers and things are looking kinda bright. He was well liked among the patients and he enjoyed doing his job too, hell, he loved it. However things started to turn bleak once he realized the most of the nurses were neglectful towards the patients and didn't care about their job one bit. Fred, being the kind person he is, overworked himself because he was trying to clean up after the other nurses' messes. Sometimes he couldn't clean up everything because he was so exhausted physically and emotionally and lets just say, Fred ended up seeing some terrible fates that the neglect towards the patients led to. Additionally he was doing therapy with Crispin and the consistent losing at Waterloo-O ended up triggering him a lot. Both of these factors led to Fred developing a delusion where he thought he was a war general and there were was a big war going on and he was responsible for every death caused by it. It also caused Fred to split Napoleon, which was caused by the pent up rage he had for his entire life (losing at the board game so much was the breaking point).

Thats pretty much the backstory I wrote for him summarized there's a bit more but I don't wanna write it rn because I want to go to bed because Ive been sleeping like shit recently. I might rant about how fred still wears the straightjacket after beating Napoleon and what that could mean tomorrow but its a lil uncertain. Okay I will include one silly lil fun hc as a lil dessert for you reading all of this: Alongside doing calligraphy, Fred also likes to draw from time to time! Fred isn't bad at drawing, and he draws in this fun geometric minimalist-esque art style with lots of circles and everything looks like the fucking white rabbits from the shaun tan illustrations for the rabbits. Also LOVES geography, but mostly likes looking at the maps and drawing them too. The guys got an impressingly steady hand and the guy just loves fucking around with compasses.

[nightswithkookmin]

MONDAY, JANUARY 18TH: GOLDY'S LOG

I miss Suga. Scratch that. I miss Agust D. My spirit animal.

I've been thinking about him a lot lately, wondering if his injury isn't an exemption to military service. I wonder if he qualifies, in light of his injury, as an able body. I wonder what their law defines as able body.

I wonder if he passed the legal physical exam and health assessment test when he turned 19, since he's had that injury way before debut. Or if BTS have undergone that mandatory military service assessment since they are all past 19 and what their results are.

Jimin has chronic back pain too. That should qualify him for an exemption to military duty. He can still do desk work if it's that serious.

I should talk to ***** and look into South Korea's law on exemptions to military service.

Moon values the arts and culture industry. There's already been an extension for conscription for the benefit of BTS. Their success and longevity in the spot light perhaps influenced this decision. Should BTS maintain this momentum, an exemption would be inevitable I feel.

I miss them. They've been gone for too long. I'm worried about the impact this is going to have on their popularity if they disconnect from fans for so long or be mechanical about the way they connect with their fans.

I hate the limited access to them. But Scarcity increases the value of a product and it's not surprising if this is the approach BigHit is adopting in the wake of the pandemic.

Limited access not only raises value, it creates demand. Bang PD is a bigbrain marketing genius- I hate it.

They are taking a huge risk with this new marketing strategy. Personally, I'd stick to what works but then I am no marketing guru. Just a consumer who likes to play it safe. I guess I won't be getting hired anytime soon. Fuck.

It's all very fascinating.

What's equally fascinating is the shippers out here on these streets. The Jokers.

I... they confuse the hell out of me sometimes.

How are they going to question my rationality when I talk about moments I feel Jikook are having issues in their relationship or had broken up etc but then have no problem with and even applaud that same rationality when I talk about moments that has led me to believe there is lack of depth in Tae Kook's dynamics or that they are not real by any standard or that another ship in BTS isn't real.

Do I have two minds? Or are they more inclined to be selective in their beliefs based on their biases towards Jikook and against other ships? It's weird.

By the same lens I define Jikook as real, I define Tae Kook or any other ship that includes JK and Jimin as not real. And by that same lens if I feel Jikook aren't together then I'm wrong and irrational?

It really confounds me.

Not sure if they expect me to apply double standards to Jikook in those instances.

I don't think there is right and wrong opinions or perspective when it comes to shipping, but I think if they are right about me being wrong about my perspective on Jikook then I must be wrong about my perspective on any other ship in BTS as well.

I can't be right about one and wrong about another. I'm either right about all or wrong about all.

I can't be 'right' about Tae Kook having 'issues' in their bond in such a way I think it often bars them from fully nurturing their bond and developing depth to it but then be 'wrong' about Jikook also having issues that mess with their bond from time to time when it's the same measurement I use in accessing the depth of bond of both ships.

I really don't understand their way of thinking.

What is right and what is wrong and who decides on that?

I think we ought to substitute right and wrong with 'believe and believable.' The approach to such discourse should be about what one is willing to believe or not believe about certain discussions: I believe this. I don't believe that. Because believes stem from our personal biases towards a subject.

And the people that come running to me with 'look, Jikook smiled at each other in On era so change your mind'

I would except I hear this debate all the time. I wonder if they realize they sound exactly like the Tuktukkers in my DMs trying to convince me Tae Kook is real.

'Look Tae sat on JK's laps! How can you say there is no depth to Tae kook' ' He squished JK's cheeks' 'Jk said he wants to ride with Tae, if there was no depth why did he say he wanted to ride with him'

I have a feeling Soft Koo is back. The days of Terminator JK might be over. Too bad, I liked terminator JK. He was a bad ass.

I like that he is experimenting with his looks. But I'm glad his Ravi-esque phase is over. I wonder who he is drawing inspiration from this time. He reminds me of Jimin though. There is something peaceful and serene about his looks.

Can't really tell much because Bighit is sitting on tons of footages. I think I need to send a truck to Bang PD HQ.

I don't like that Jimin posted a Vhopemin photo for Tae's birthday. It was cute and all but I don't like it. That shit felt passive aggressive as fuxk. Lmho. What, he didn't have a V or Vmin photo in his gallery? Sounds like someone didn't put much effort in their VMin agenda for this post.

I wonder if he will keep the same energy come JK's birthday. I mean both him and Tae didn't post for him💀

May be I'm reaching on this one. But a single post where V was not even the focus of the post... I think his birthday means a lot to him and he enjoys when people shower him with love and attention and I don't think his birthday is an exception.

And he kept reiterating after such said birthday how he recently discovered he loves to be loved and how he does most of the things he does in order to be loved by his fans, friends and family.

And it breaks my heart that, the headlines read BTS shower X, Y with love on his birthday but the two people close to him were missing from that list this time. The media talks about BTS posting for eachother as them showering eachother with love. Certainly they all know this.

And the fact Jin posted for Tae after Tae's birthday says a lot about Tae and JK. Tae had no intention of posting perhaps because he left JM a message on the packages. With Jin I feel he was overcompensating for not posting for him on his birthday...

JK gets a pass. If JM wasn't happy about him not posting for his birthday, he would have pulled a Jin.

Jimin talking about coming to the realization he loves to be loved makes me think JK withholding his affections openly made him come to the realization he loves to be loved. Just a hunch. And the only reason JK would withhold his affections is if Jimin himself estopps him. Those two give me headaches.

I think I got the closure I needed from this.

LESSON: dont get on JM's bad side and bloody post for his birthday 💀

Tae been releasing photos of Jimin and Jhope a lot lately. Not sure how that makes me feel either. I think it's beautiful. But when I think about all these beautiful photos he has of Jimin on his phone and how generous he is with them- I think they would have been more meaningful had he released it on JM's birthday. The snow photo he posted still sits in my Vmin heart somewhere.

I really don't like this not posting for each other's birthday business. It's 2021. They need to cut it out.

I feel JK set a bad precedent but personal happiness first so good for him.

This moment haunts me for some reason.

What was going through V's head. I want to know. RM looks done. Lol.

Jimin is really beautiful. I love his eyes when he smiles and the thing he does with his shoulders.

Some people complain I write a lot. Some say I don't write enough. Ayayayai!!!!!!

What to do.

I think I accidentally deleted a post.

I'm looking forward to JKK1. Stay Gold, Still with you, Your eyes tell... I hope he hasn't given his best away cos those were bops.

PJM1... oh God I'm nervous. I'm excited for it but nervous. I think Serendipity is a classic. The Christmas song was equally great and frankly the only good Christmas Ive heard so far and I don't even like Christmas- nothing against Baby Jesus I just think it sucks. That bridge in Dis-ease is something.

I want to read his thoughts. His spotify playlist is insightful but I want to confirm if he really sees himself as a mess who is always causing his lover grief.

I mean he did say he has realized he needs to be considerate towards those that love him. Not sure yet the connection there.

I want to read his thoughts.

PJM1....

I love JHOPE. I think his ship with Jimin is beautiful and healing. They make my insides warm. Not sure if their shippers think they are real. Do they? That would be awkward.

I think RM and Jimin need to spend time together... it would be good for them.

Jimin and Sungwoon shippers are alleging Jimin has been staying with Sungwoon all this while. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

But the bit about him living with Sungwoon before the start of Bon V 4 has me🤔

Around that period, I don't believe JM was at the dorms and Jikook were not together then too. He must have been staying somewhere...

I'll let them have that.

But around November 2019 when he was having issues with JK he was staying with Tae too so no I don't think that means Sungwoon is queer or that Jimin is sleeping with him💀

They need to get out of their imaginations.

I think Jikook will drive me crazy one day.

I can feel my cranium swelling.

JiRose shippers need to pack it up. They really think Jimin is straight? 💀

It's the bad editing for me.

That doesn't look like a straight face to me. Unless his butt was on fire and he was uncomfortable looking at that black interviewer, I think that's his flirting face.

Lately I've been thinking about what ifs.

What if Jikook is not real?

I wish I believed that.

[huearmy]

The Smell Of Truth - VI

Summary: After years being forced to fight in clandestine hybrid ring, Jungkook is now living in shelter, but life remains bad, the place is abusive, and nobody seems to want adopt him. Until one night a pro-hybrid activist group invades the shelter, and a woman in black smelling like truth promises that things will get better, and he decides to follow her wherever she goes.

Pairing: pitbull!Jungkook x human!Reader

Genre: fluff, angst, future smut maybe.

Words: 6751 

Rating: NC-17

Warnings: Grafic description of food. If you are hungry, eat before you read this. Seriously. AND. Jungkook have a anxiety attack, the description is light and focuses mainly on techniques to control the attack, but be aware if you are sensitive to the topic. Even because I wrote this part to help those who, like me, suffer from chronic anxiety and not to trigger anything :) Be safe.

A/N: Sorry it took too long, my head is messy, and I working on something new, and didn’t ajust myself to it yet.

THIS IS A TRANSITION CHAPTHER! I HAD A HARD TIME TO DEVELOP IT AND I STARTED EVERYTHING AGAIN AT SOME POINT AFTER AN MENTAL BREAKDOWN.

Chapter I  Chapter II  Chapter III  Chapter IV   Chapter V  - Chapter VII

One month has passed by since Jungkook first moved in. The apartment looks pretty much like his now, little details showing up his presence here and there, like his personal hygiene items in the bathroom, and his pairs of shoe in the shoe cabinet by the front door, the air filled with his favorite music which he discovered himself on spotify and youtube, the kitchen cabinets and the fridge are full of things you wouldn't normally buy but he would, and all of your streaming accounts now have two user profiles. At first Jungkook didn't think about it too much, you're just so welcoming to him, but he started paying attention to how he should or could or couldn't act to not bother you, since his presence itself is a big change in your routine. You made it very clear, even without saying it out loud with all the words, that this attitude was something mutual so that the two of you could live well together. Still, it wasn't a good first month... not that it was a bad one either, because it wasn't. It's just that... ________________________________________________________________________________________ First of all. In the first ten days everything was taken and shaped by the boyfriend phenomenon. Said name for this unfortunate situation involving Jackson was given by Jungkook's therapist in the first appointment, but we'll talk about this later. Basically all your attention and time were totally directed to your boyfriend during the whole period that he was in the city, and even though he preferred to stay in his own apartment instead of with you - as is usual the two of you - it looked like he had moved in, because when Jungkook wake up in the morning he is already there, in the living room monopolizing the tv, and when he was going to sleep at night, Jungkook could still hear the guy making you laugh in the kitchen. This was justified with a "Soon I have to go back to the capital to work and we will be apart from each other for a long time. We need to make up for it!" And after saying that, Jackson would pull you around the waist to kiss you on the temple, and you would just smile, avoiding eye contact with your face red. At the end of that time, Jungkook got closer to your friends - now his friends too - than to you, who live with him.  Of course you tried not to leave him feeling isolated, after all Jungkook is the exception of your heart, and although you are not used to it, you have a huge affection for him... hard to explain. You did everything you could to try to make him feel comfortable around Jackson - since early on you noticed Jungkook's reservation about him - including him in the conversations and also taking time just for the two of you. But it was difficult, because besides your boyfriend, the weather closed for days canceling all picnic and park plans, an you still had two jobs to deal with, and one of them - that of the law firm - was almost abusive as much work you had to do. Jungkook noticed your exhaustion and wanted not to charge you too much, but at the same time he didn't want to give up lying on the couch with you to watch a movie late at night to receive a pet on his hair.

One night, after Jackson was gone to his apartment, the two of you were doing just that. A blanket covered the two of you on the couch, keeping you warm while a cartoon played on the TV. Jungkook's head was lying on your chest, and you lazily messed with his hair. He could hear your heartbeat, and your voice vibrate as you laugh and comment on the episode. After a while your hand stopped and there was only the sound of your heart, and he saw that you had fallen asleep.

"Y/N?" He whispered to you, getting no response. He thought that you weren't in the most comfortable of positions, with a slightly bent neck on the pillow, so he considered taking you to your room to let you sleep better... He was sleepy too. He thought about it so much, looking at you sleeping, trying to decide, that he slept above you.  

Can't tell how much time has passed, probably not much, but Jungkook was even dreaming when the front door click opening broke his slumber slightly, he wasn't awake yet, but he was listening to the steps of someone walking around the apartment. It was Jackson looking for his phone he forgot. If it weren't for the TV on, he wouldn't have seen you two sleeping on the couch in the dark room, when he went to turn it off he came across the lovely scene of you two unconscious and piled up with pillows and Jungkook's stuffed bunny. After he took a picture with your phone, he went on picking you up to get you to bed, carefully taking Jungkook's arm out of your waist and pushing him aside. Needless to say, Jackson was unaware that the hybrid's protective instincts are strongest when he sleeps. You had your reasons for not telling your boyfriend  about Jungkook 's past, like respecting Jungkook's privacy and feelings, and well, maybe Jackson wouldn't like knowing how you got hurt days ago, and that problem you didn't want to have to deal with. Still, maybe some little thing you should have said.

You woke up in a jump, by a scream, and a loud growl followed by a "no" that sounded more like a bark. For Jungkook, in the first few seconds, all he knew was that someone was trying to get you out of him, and never that he was going to let it happen. Jackson threw himself back against the coffee table, withdrawing his hand so as not to be bitten, feeling his heart in his throat in the greatest fright he has ever had in his life.

"JK?" You seated up.

Jungkook looked from you to Jackson, understanding what he did, his ears flatting down on his head. His fists were clenched, holding the fabric of your shirt as if his life depended on it. The other night he hurt you, Jungook felt guilty, and afraid that you would stop loving him, now in the presence of a man, he was also afraid of the punishment that he was sure would come.

"Sorry..." He muttered. "I didn't mean to... Y/N I'm sorry..." You let a relaxed laugh get out your mouth. The situation wasn't funny to you. Actually, you could see how apprehensive Jungkook was, and deduce why. On the other hand, Jackson was frightened, and not only by the jump scare, you could see he was overthinking... What you needed to do was to relax the tension of the situation, and for that you would make them see that you are relaxed. Again, you are a good actress when you need to.

"No need to apologize, JK. He scared you, didn't he?" You laugh, and then you give Jackson a mocking glare. "And you almost shit yourself..." Jackson looked outraged at you, but when he spoke there was laughter in his voice.

"Listen, young lady. I wasn't...!"

"I heard you screaming." You cut him off. "Why are you here again by the way?" You stretched and tried to fix your shirt, but Jungkook was still strongly attached to it. Jackson looked around, as if he was remembering something.

"I forgot my phone here, just don't remember where."

"I think it must be in the office. I remember you using it there" You simply said and Jackson went up the stairs with a nod.

When there was no sign of him, you finally turned your attention to Jungkook, who was still in his curled position beside you, face hidden in you. He was shaking slightly and it broke your heart. You put a hand on his head, fixing his messy hair.

"I'm sorry, Y/N. I did it again." His voice was small.

You sighed, placing a kiss on the high of his head.

"You were suddenly brought up. We all got frightened. Nobody is hurt. We laughed it off. It seems to me that everything is pretty fine." You made him look at you. "If I tell you it is all okay, do you believe in me?"

He nodded. "But Jackson... I showed him my teeth. He may be mad at me, and..." He gulped. "Shhhhh." You took his hands on yours, making him let go of your shirt.

"Jackson is a soft hearted guy, he won't be mad at you for something like this. And if it makes you feel better I can talk to him..."

"No!" He exclaimed, interrupting you. "Don't tell him nothing. You'll have to explain about me and I don't want to..."

"It's ok. If you don't want me to say nothing. I won't." You promised. Jungkook hugged his bunny with one of his arms, lowering his eyes.

"It's just that I don't want anyone to know where I came from, or what I did. I didn't tell you everything, even though I trust you... I trust you only."

You can relate with that, you can understand why he doesn't want to expose himself. It's fear of rejection, and you can do nothing but respect, and also, give all the love you have to give, and hope that at least half of it reaches his heart.

"Come here." You opened your arms to him. "Need me to put you to bed?" He laughed.

"No. Thanks."

You pulled from each other, and you got up from the couch, picking up the pillows and the blanket. Jungkook was weeping tears on his cheeks and looking cute.

"Damn, I'm crying again..." He chuckled, turning the TV off.

"Good night, JK." You fondly said.

"Good night, Y/N. Sleep well."

He followed you with his eyes until you disappeared up the stairs and the light went out. His mind was totally against it, but his gut was telling him to follow you, he didn't know why. But he did. As soon as he heard your footsteps close to your bedroom's door, he ran on tiptoe, making no noise, and stopped at the top of the stairs. He listened. Jackson was in the room with you.

"What do you want to ask?" Your voice reached his ears. "It can wait till tomorrow, babe, don't worry." Jackon responded.

In the dark, Jungkook got close to the door and crouched against the wall - so if any of you decided to leave the room out of nowhere, you wouldn't see him there, only if you turned on the corridor light, which you normally don't  do. "Spill it, Jackson." You opened a jar of fancy eye cream, to try to combat the huge dark circles that were installed on your face.

Jackson leaned against the dresser beside you, with his hands in his sweatpants pockets, and said without looking at you.

"I've been thinking about it for some days, I figured you would tell me at some point but you didn't. And after what just happened I'm even more curious about it. How did you meet Jungkook? Where is he from? And why did you decide to adopt him?" You sighed, knowing that this matter would eventually come up. Outside, Jungkook gulped.

"He's a rescue case. I didn't work directly with the legal process, it was a prosecutor friend of mine who indicted his former owners. When he was left without an owner and nowhere to go I decided to help, and that's it. There is no explanation for why I wanted him, or vice versa. Jungkook is just special to me."

You calmly spoke.

"His former owner was arrested?"

"Yeah. For money laundering and conspiracy." Jungkook felt a shiver down his spine. He knew you were going to lie now, or at least not answer, because it's not just his secret, it's yours too. And for some reason he felt like you had to lie to your boyfriend because of him. But technically this last part isn't a lie, his former owner really got arrested for money laundering and conspiracy, it's just that there were many more accusations against him besides these, like exploitation of hybrids, homicide, human trafficking and prostitution, among others, but that part Jackson doesn't need to know.

Jackson hesitated.

"Does Jungkook have a history of abuse?" Jackson said, and Jungkook couldn't define by his tone what he was thinking, it was too flat.

You, on the other hand, were feeling in court, being questioned by lawyer Jackson Wang. He already had a point of view, he just wanted to make you confirm. But you are smart too.

"Why are you asking this?" You crossed your arms.

"He was aggressive down stairs, in the living room, not even ten minutes ago. I know that hybrids with difficult pasts can be violent." He responded.

"That's not what I asked. Why are you, Jackson, asking that? What does it matter to you?" You were incisive. A moment of silence passed.

"I'm worried, I guess. You are living with him now. Hybrids can be dangerous." Part of you understand, a little bigger part got pissed.

"I've been surrounded by hybrids since I was born. I literally work with them every day, both in my stores, both in my legal area. Because my expertise is in the rights and protection of hybrids in case you forgot, Jackson. I know what I am doing." Each word came firmly out of your mouth. "Besides, Jungkook is my friend, you can't just assume he is dangerous."

"He almost bit me! Growled at me!" He snapped, and it longer felt like a conversation, but an argument.

"Jackson what would happen if you wake me up one hour sooner than I planned to wake up?" You put your hand on your hips. "You would complain." He replied as if your question had nothing to do with the matter.

You made a sign with your hands as if the answer was obvious.

"Exactly. And that's what he did. The only difference is that he can growl, besides talk, to express his discontentment, and we can't. End of story."

Jackson pinched his nose, clear sign that he knows you got a point. But it wasn't done yet.

"I understood that part, and I'm sorry. Even so, I'm worried. Because you know him and trust him, but I don't. How can I know that when you are alone it will not hurt you?"

In the dark, Jungkook bit his lip, feeling terrible, because he already did hurt you.

You were feeling worked up, more than you should. You walked past him, stomping.

"I don't want to talk about it. We know... You know very well, that no one needs a traumatic past to be violent. You see bad people with perfect lives everyday on your job." You fumed, and when he tried to respond you spoked above him. "The past of a free hybrid belongs to the one who abused them and not to them. All the bad things were done by other people, and judging them for these things is prejudiced. And I will not tolerate you being prejudiced, Jackson."

At that point you were crying. At the beginning of the conversation, you were trying to be rational and calculate what to say so as not to miss out on anything you shouldn't, to avoid contradicting yourself, to avoid the conversation. But something from then on was a trigger for you. Jackson was without reaction for a moment. Jungkook had to restrain himself from entering the room to comfort you, all his instincts telling him to do so.

"Y/N..." Jackson tried.

"No. Listen." You took a deep breath. "I understand your worry. My mom probably will say the same thing when she meets him, and she is one of the people who taught me these things I just said... But that's the thing, Jackson: you don't need to know about the traumas and hurts, and terrible things that happened with Jungkook - or anyone else - to know him. You can know him for who he is today. I'm living with him for about a week and I already know he is a incredible smart boy, absolutely good in almost everything he does, and that he is afraid of the microwave, and he loves sweet things, especially if he can mix everything up in a misshapen sugar mass that no one else would eat, and the key of his heart is a little bit of attention because... Because he is content with so little. No matter the crumb of love you give him, he will be happy... And that's why I wanted to give him everything... The whole world..."

You were pouting, and tears were running down your cheeks, and your voice was so small. You were so small right now. Jackson reached you and pulled you to a tight hug. You hold him too, sobbing lightly.

In the corridor Jungkook got on his feet and wiped his own tears. He needed to process everything he heard. All the things you said about hybrids and about him, and the fact that you cried because of him. He didn't know what it was, but a feeling so warm on his chest promised that it would be hard to get to sleep again that night, thinking about these things and you. It was really horrible not to be able to enter the room so that he could hug you, and answer everything you said with his feelings - even if he couldn't explain everything, just because he can't name everything. He silently walked down the corridor to the stairs, heading for his room.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to cry. I don't even know why I'm crying... " You whined, weeping your nose with a chuckle. "I'll be all puffy tomorrow morning and the fault is all yours." Jackson laughed, pushing your hair away from your wet face.

"I'm sorry. Really, I didn't intend to be a jerk or anything. But I think I needed this conversation, I always learn a lot from you... And I think you needed this conversation too, you needed to put some things out, otherwise you wouldn't have cried." He charmly smiled. "You must be right. But seriously...!" You slapped his forearm. "I would be less pissed if you had a silly jealous tantrum or something like that. It would be easier to solve, just ignore it."

"Yah! Why would I be jealous of you? I know the day you find I guy more amazing than me you will let me know right away. Broke up with me by massege or something like this." "Shut up." You slapped him again. "You didn't turn off the flower shop's alarm when you arrived, right?"

"No." He shook his head.

You smiled wildly.

"So take off your pants and spoon-sleep with me." _________________________________________________________________________________ Then all of Jungkook's documents arrived in the mail, including an adoption request certificate - which was false, made by some of his contacts in the organization - a definitive guardianship certificate that specifies you as his legal guardian and not as owner - a small advance in the law - and that gives him some freedom that most hybrids don't have, like walking around by himself, and at last but not least, his hybrid id.

With all this in hand you finally got to make Jungkook's first appointment with a psychologist. Together you both researched some names of professionals in the field, including the three that the doctor gave you the other day, and some others indicated by friends of yours. One way or another you would have to leave the city to go to the appointments, since your city is small and you didn't find anyone in the region, so one of the criteria for choosing was distance. Another, of course, was the professional background and branch of psychology, and that part was more with you. On the other hand, Jungkook literally chose the cover of the book. When he didn't like the person's face they were automatically excluded from the list.

"And if I get there and right away I don't like their smell... I'm leaving." He declared. "Of course. You must be comfortable." You agreed. "What do you think about this one? He is young but the curriculum is impressive... And he has a support therapy group with hybrids, which is really cool."

Jungkook took your notebook to put on his own lap to get a closer look. You started your research hours earlier, in your office, but after a long time sitting in chairs that left you both with a sore ass, a break to eat pizza and put on pajamas, you were still trying to choose someone, but now under the covers in your bed with the TV on. The website that was open was a clinic specializing in hybrids, and on the page that Jungkook was looking at had a picture of a young man with a bright smile.

"Dr. Jung Hoseok..."  He mumbled to himself.

"He looks nice right? There's some patient testimonials..." You were about to ask him if he wanted to read it but he was faster.

"I want him."Jungkook looked at you with determined eyes. "I like him. Is the first one we see that is truly smiling."

He was planning to choose a woman, because he thought he would be more comfortable than with a man, but this one looked perfect in a way that no one else has looked until now.

"Ok, then. I'm calling them tomorrow morning." You smiled at him. ___________________________________________________________________________ Much to the disappointment of Jungkook and yours too, Dr. Jung's schedule was packed with lecturers and courses, so he wouldn't be able to start therapy immediately as you both imagined, leaving the first meeting with him for the following month only.

So this is it ... A whole month of a lot of rain, in which you were very busy with your boyfriend and your job, without being able to do therapy, without leaving home most days. Without realizing it, Jungkook was building up a terrible bad mood. At first you didn't even notice, because Jungkook is quiet most of the time, and you were too focused on difficult texts full of legal terms that fry your brain. But one morning, the first in weeks when the sky was blue and you had no work to do... The first morning that you slept till late and woke up with a smile on your puffy face, opened the bedroom curtain as a Disney princess would, and hopped down the stairs in a good perfect mood ... That morning you noticed.

"Gooood morning!" You literally sang, passing by Jungkook, who was eating his cereal, standing by the counter. He didn't respond, and you interpreted as his sleep non talking state. "I'm in the mood for eggs and bacon today... maybe a sandwich too. Do you want it? My god I can eat the whole world today..." "No. I could have made myself a sandwich if I wanted to."

You raised your eyebrows, a little surprised, taking milk, eggs, cheese, onion, tomatoes and mayo from the fridge. A second passed before Jungkook added in a grumpy voice:

"Thank you."

On a frying pan you put some butter to melt and brown the bread, and in another one you broke three eggs leaving room for some slices of bacon. At the delicious sound of those ingredients popping on the fire, you started cutting a tomato, and decided to add lettuce and left over chicken from the night before on your sandwich. The kitchen's air was filled with the pleasant smell.

"Are you sure you don't wan't not even the eggs and bacon?" You asked again, turning said bacon so that the two sides would be equally delicious. As a precaution you browned two more slices of bread.

"You don't have to bother." Jungkook murmured, without taking his eyes off the dull cereal bowl in front of him, but still his nose worked to identify the smells in the air. You put a slice of mozzarella cheese and a cheddar cheese on top of the hot bread slices, and immediately the cheese started to melt beautifully. In the pan that no longer were the bread, you put some onion to caramelize.

"No bother. Today is a perfect day, and it’s been a while since I’ve prepared breakfast for you, or that we ate just the two of us..." You gladly spread the shredded chicken over the cheese, and then the mayonnaise over the chicken...

Behind you, Jungkook sighed, and you could hear his lazy steps towards you. Over your shoulder he placed the empty bowl in the sink. He looked at what you were doing and his mouth watered.

"I want mine with ketchup, too." He declared with a frown.

"Get it from the fridge for me, then." You simply said. He obeyed. With one hand you put the ketchup on his sandwich - which you were already making because you knew he would want it, and if he didn't want it you would eat it yourself - and with the other you put the fire out of the pan with eggs and bacon. "Do you want the eggs and bacon in or out of the sandwich?"

In."

You were inspired, so even the olive on a stick on top of the huge sandwich you put. A beautiful sandwich.

"Sit." You happily pulled a chair for yourself. The first bite was heaven for you, making you moan as you chew slowly with eyes closed. You sighed deeply. "Working from home but not getting a decent breakfast like that every day sucks."

No response. Jungkook was eating  with pleasure - as always - but still didn't seem ready to talk. You looked him up and down. You were proud to see that after a month of living with you, he now had the most rosy cheeks and healthiest skin, and clearly gained considerable weight, thanks to the complete and balanced diet that you guaranteed he had. But he wasn't supposed to be in a bad mood. He was supposed to be happy. When was the last time he brushed his hair?

"What are your plans for today?" As if you want nothing, you asked.

"Have any." He didn't even look at you to speak, instead he got up and opened the fridge. "Want juice?"

Okay, you think he's not upset with you.

"Sure." You waited for him to sit back in front of you. "I have to visit some of my stores today, since I've been so busy and haven't had time to check them out in the past two weeks. But I don't even call it work, because it's going to be fast, and I personally love to see how business is going... Do you want to go with me?"

For the first time this morning, he looked at you with interest. Still, it was not the enthusiasm you were expecting, nor an answer, so you continued.

"We can buy useless things, eat ice cream and go to the park... And this time really enjoy it. The weather forecast guarantees that it will be sunny all day." You expectantly  rested your chin  on the palm of the hand.

Looking at you shining eyes, Jungkook nodded with a small smile. You almost jumped from your chair.

"Remember we tried to play frisbee, and I kind of found out that my little cute arms weren't made for that?"

He shook his head with a mocking smirk.

"If it doesn't go far enough to run after it, it's no fun."

"YEAH... Then it started raining and we came home, and we never talked about it again ... "You put your hands together." It turns out that I saw something on the internet that I thought was incredible and I bought it, and we can try it today."

Jungkook narrowed his eyes at you suspiciously.

"This." You showed him your phone.

A wild smile spread on his face and he reclined in the chair. He looked at you one more time and tossed his chin slightly, a quirk that you know by now that means  he is accepting a challenge.

"I'm washing the dishes, and then I'll get ready." He stuffed the rest of the sandwich in his mouth and swallowed the juice in one gulp, rising from the table with determination. ________________________________________________________________ You own a very wide variety of store types, your family practically founded the city generations ago, so what they didn’t open, they invested for someone to open it, it was how you all got rich, and that’s why so many places have your last name on the signboard, and half of them really are yours. The two of you went through your bookstore and music store, the bakery and the karaoke bar... Most of these places Jungkook didn't know yet, and it was interesting to see how you behave with the people that work to you.

It is different from how you act with him, gentle and bright all the time, smooth and carefree, just taking care of him with little things here and there. It is also different from how you act with Taehyung and Jimin, you are relaxed and fun with them, even in the office, when you the lynx are working, you are clearly best friends, and act together as an unbeatable team. It is not as if you stop having all these adjectives or change your personality, but that you put on a layer of boss to act in the presence of your employees. Your usual sweet tone of speech was accompanied by firmness, and even though you were friendly, calling everyone by name, you did not reach out to talk too much to anyone - focusing only on checking if everything was in compliance and solving what needed to be resolved.

Jungkook found it interesting, because it reminded you a lot of how you acted the day you met. You were kind enough for him to trust you, and you were also strong for him to trust you.

And what Taehyung said earlier was true, all of your stores had hybrid employees, at least one. Jungkook was already used to one of the florists in your flower shop being a fox girl - which turns all red and hides each time he appears -, but it was nice to see others like him in other places. Every one of them seemed so happy to see you. Maybe they also smell the truth on you.

"My first part-time job was in the flower shop, I was sixteen. I bought it from my aunt and then it was my first store too. That's why I like living there... It's an important place for me." You told him, turning off the engine of the SUV. You were in the park parking lot, ready to have burgers and fries for lunch - a little treat for yourself after a month without a day off. The plan was a picnic but you forgot the towel or bringing good food, so eating in the car was plan B.

"This is really cool. If you only worked at the store, how did you buy it? With what money?" Jungkook was a lot more talkative now. Leaving the house for a while was what he needed, he must be feeling trapped.

"I found an investor. In other words, I convinced my grandmother to give me the money." You laughed. "It was a little difficult because I was underage yet..."

"Did you buy your first store at sixteen?"

You simply nod. Jungkook was shocked. At sixteen his life was very different from yours, this is nothing new, but it is still strange to think of the chasm between you two...

"At sixteen I was already in clandestine fights for two years." He said, and it was as if one of the million pieces of weight he feels on his chest was gone. It didn't seem much compared to what it was fully, but it was relieving.

On the other hand, you felt your heart break. You didn't know what to say. So many times you told him not to press himself to tell you anything, to talk when he feels ready... so you didn't expect it to be now... that way. Perhaps you were not prepared. But fuck it, you're not the one to be ready. It's him.

Maybe because of the face you made, or how you just stopped eating to look at him in an almost comic way, or because of your eyes filling with tears he added.

"I still don't want to talk about it... I didn't even want to... I don't know why it slipped out. It's just that listening to you talking about your past is so..." He seemed lost in words, not knowing how to organize what to say. "I see you so bright! I wanted to be bright too... I've been thinking about it a lot... About having a job. And... And..."

He looked frustrated. You still didn't know what to say, or if you should say something, so you just held Jungkook's greasy hand from eating fries with your greasy hand from eating fries.

"I want to be the owner of my future." He concluded, remembering what you said the other night.

"A jog is a good first step, JK. I'm proud of you. You have all my support, I can give you a job or help you get one... wherever you want." You intertwined your fingers with his.

He let out a long breath that he hadn't realized he was holding. He was shaking, and he knew you were feeling it in the hand you were holding, if you couldn't see it too.

"I also have another favor to ask." His voice was shaky, but his eyes didn't leave yours, just like when he asked to be with you.

"Anything." You whispered, mouth dry.

Something inside you told you that this was the purest truth about your relationship with Jungkook. That you would definitely do anything for him. You also felt that it should terrify you, just it didn't.

Jungkook took his old wallet out of his pocket and opened it for you to look inside. The photo of two hybrid boys smiling, hugging each other, made you smile too.

"You are the small one." You pointed.

Jungkook nodded.

"The other one is my hyung. We live together on a breeding farm. I think there was a lab too, but I never went there, I don't remember... When I was robbed and sold for the fights he went too, and a few years later we were separated... Do you think you can find him?"

Jungkook didn't want false hopes. He knows better than anyone what life is like for a fighting hybrid, how it ends. But if he survived that long, then his hyung can too, and if anyone can save him, it is you. He just wanted to hear that you're going to try... Even if you only discover the worst of the possibilities... Even if you don't discover anything. Among all the terrible things in Jungkook's head, this is the one that most takes away his sleep, the one that most makes him feel guilty.

"What is his name, breed, age...? Any information you have about him." You were serious, every gear in your brain working.

"Namjoon. He was some type of wolf... Older than me, I don't remember how much." Jungkook's eyebrows came together and he bit his lip, trying to remember anything else that might help. "He loves to read... He is a good hyung... I don't know...!" "Shhh. It's ok." You took his face in your free hand. "You don't need to freak out now, if you remember something later just tell me. With his name, age and breed I can ask my organization friends for help."

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. For some reason the smell of the food was making him nauseous... Or it was just his anxiety messing with him. He just didn't want to eat anymore. Suddenly the car was too small and getting smaller for the second, and he couldn't breath. His body started to shake violently, and his lungs were hurting. He let go of your hand and opened the door to get out. You followed him close. Instead of going down your door and having to go around the car, you jumped into the passenger seat and got off right behind Jungkook, who was already bent over with his head between his knees. He was having an anxiety attack. You crouched in front of him and rubbed his back softly.

"Breathe with me, JK, love. Inhale for four seconds... Hold for two seconds... Release for six..." You've been there before, and breathing has always helped you more than most things, not only to stabilize your body, but also to help you focus. "Right... Again."

You breathed with him, still keeping your hand comforting on his back, but not too close to suffocate him. "You don't need to answer out loud, ok? I need you to find five things around us that you can see. Can you do this for me?"

He barely nodded, but you saw he understood. He was breathing like you told him to, opened  his watering eyes and looked around. The trees. The car wheel beside him. The lake shining far away. His shoes. Your shoes.

"Now find four things you can hear." You told him after a while. The birds. Kids laughing somewhere. The radio inside the car. Your calm breathing. "You are doing great, babe. Find three things you can smell." Dirt. Freshly cut grass. You.

"At last... Two things you can touch." You took the opportunity to pet his head. The car. You.

He was calmer, his body collapsed and he ended up sitting on the ground with his face in his hands. You got up, and he didn't see where you went, but you weren't gone for long.

"Here, something to taste." You handed him a bottle of sparkling water. "I don't know if you like it, but it's good for the stomach."

He drank the bottle all at once, and made a face at the end. He doesn't like it.

"Thank you, Y/N. You are always taking care of me. Sorry." He took your hand and intertwined your fingers together.

"Silly, puppy." You smiled at him, and he could swear it is the prettiest thing ever. "You can alway take care of me too."

He wanted to look at you for a while, to be silent for a while. Think only of how sweet and beautiful you are, instead of the bad things. But you got up again, not thinking what he was thinking.

"Can you get up?" You offered help.

He accepted.

"I can do a lot of things besides getting up. I'm ready to run." He smiled wildly.

"Are you sure?" You took his face in both your hands, the color was coming back to his cute cheeks, but you were still worried. He nodded, covering one of your hands with his. You sighed. "Ok then." _______________________________________________________________ You weren't trying so hard, but you got tired just to see how fast Jungkook runs, and after an hour, you can't believe the boy's fitness. Too much stamina, Christ. As he came back to you with the frisbee in hand, at high speed, the wind in his hair made the sweaty bangs fly back. He was stunning. Wild smile and excitement making him look like a child at the same time he looked like every girl's dream boyfriend.

"Throw, another one, Y/N." He sang, already running away. You lifted the cannon frisbee launcher and opened fire. Looking up, Jungkook calculated the route of the flying thing and speeded up to catch it. Since you started playing he hasn't lost one. He only almost ran over a few unsuspecting pedestrians, but nobody got hurt. From meters away, you could hear him jumping up and down before he started running towards you once more. You definitely need to find some physical activity for this child to stay entertained and happy.

"Again!"

______________________________________________________

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[daringyounggrayson]

one step at a time

anonymous said: Here’s a prompt for you: “I could really use a cuddle” for Dick with either Bruce or Damian?

thanks for the prompt! this accidently turned into a short fic, whoops. I also included my headcanon that Dick’s early exposure to fear toxin caused some long-term health problems. all you really need to know, though, is that Dick experiences fear toxin symptoms on and off even without exposure, the antidote doesn’t work very well for him, the exposure damaged his lungs which can make it hard to breathe during an attack, and he uses an inhaler that has a variation of the antidote in it which helps to relieve his symptoms. Enjoy!

He’d seen him again. Bruce, last night. Of course, not really him. Because Bruce isn’t here so it couldn’t have even been him, but also not him, because his memory of Bruce had been warped by fear toxin. And now that the night was over, he was left to sift through the memories. They meant nothing, sure, but the thing about people is that they find meaning in anything, including nothing. Dick does it well, too; probably the only time he can call himself a spectacular person.

“Alfred?” Dick calls, voice scratchy. He must’ve been screaming, probably scared the crap out of Damian, even if the kid would never admit it. Which only makes Dick feel worse.

With no response, Dick sits up and carefully takes the IV out of his arm. He looks up to see if it was just fluids, or if the antidote kept wearing off and he’d needed to be on a drip. Both, it turns out. Fun.

“Master Dick, my apologies, I was with Master Damian,” Alfred says, hurrying over to Dick before he can get out of bed. He’s pushing Dick back, gathering supplies to set up what looks like a blood draw.

“Damian okay?” Dick asks.

“He’s well, albeit a little shaken.”

“Oh. Sorry.”

“We’ll have none of that.” Alfred pulls Dick’s arm out and wraps a band around it, then he’s swabbing the crook of his arm with an alcohol swab and jabbing a needle into it. He takes the band off and lets the blood flow into the vial. “How are you feeling?”

Dick shrugs. “You know.” He’s been exposed to fear toxin so many times, and the early times, they hadn’t even had an effective treatment for it. Now, it seems the antidote doesn’t work on him as well as it does on the others, even Bruce. And an exposure always makes him feel sick the next day—chest tight, headache, kind of nauseous. Not to mention feeling jumpy and on edge. Alfred already knows all of this, though; voicing it would be redundant.

Read the rest on AO3 or below the cut!

“Perhaps you should rest a while longer,” Alfred suggests. “At least until your blood has been properly examined.”

“Sure,” Dick says, because really, he’s not feeling great. “But I want to check on Damian first.”

“Very well,” Alfred says, using his voice that says he doesn’t think it’s “very well” at all, actually. But he knows when not to push.

Dick makes his way upstairs, shaking ever so lightly from fatigue and residual fear. He hopes this doesn’t last long, but he knows it must’ve been a pretty bad hit. Maybe multiple hits. He’s surprised Damian wasn’t taken down too—or maybe he had been, but his immune system doesn’t have the same response as Dick’s, so he recovered quickly like everyone else seems to. He hopes it stays that way, and if Babs, Jason, Tim, Cass, and Steph are any indication, Damian should be fine. 

Dick eventually reaches Damian’s door, and he raps it with his knuckles. He waits, and a moment later, Damian opens the door. He looks up at Dick, and something like relief flashes across his face before it’s replaced with a scowl. “Hey, kiddo. Just wanted to check in after last night. You holding up okay?”

“I don’t need your concern, Grayson,” Damian tells him. “Perhaps if you had taken more precautions last night, you would not be in your current state and Scarecrow would have been apprehended more efficiently.”

So not well, was the answer to his question. “Right then. Alfred checked you out and everything?”

“I was able to supply my own antidote in the field, and Pennyworth examined some follow-up blood work to ensure it had worked properly. Which it had. Due to my quick response, I never experienced its effects,” Damian says proudly. It’s kind of amazing; even with quick response, Dick can never avoid the effects of fear toxin completely. “I was also able to get you back to the car before you could make a fool of yourself in front of Commissioner Gordon.”

Dick closes his eyes for a moment, holding his tongue. “Thanks, Damian. I’m sorry you had to see me like that, but you did a good job last night. I’m proud of you.”

He can hear Bruce’s voice whispering in his ear again. He wants to groan; he hopes this is just a mild leftover effect and not a sign that he needs more antidote. The fear toxin is way worse, obviously, but being on a drip isn’t fun, and it comes with its own side-effects. His chest is feeling tight, though; maybe he should find one of his inhalers.

“Grayson?” Damian is asking, something fearful in his voice.

“Hmm?” Dick opens his eyes and realizes he’s slumped on the ground, hands pressed to his chest. “Oh.”

“I should get Pennyworth,” Damian decides, looking like he’s ready to run.

Dick shakes his head. “It will pass, just need a minute. ‘Sides, Alfred’s probably already on his way.”

“Is the toxin still in your system?” Damian asks instead, and Dick shakes his head, even though he doesn’t really know that for sure. “Pennyworth was telling me of your chronic health issues that have resulted from over-exposure at a young age. Is that . . ?” Why he feels like he’s been run over?

“Probably,” Dick answers, closing his eyes again. He wonders how much Alfred has told him. He should know, for safety reasons, but. It would be nice to have some control over this situation. “Can you get my inhaler for me?” Dick could get it, but Damian sounds so helpless right now—giving him something to do will be good for him. “It’s on my nightstand.”

“Very well, if that will help.”

Damian is fast, and he’s quiet while Dick takes the inhaler. He doesn’t know if he’s done this in front of Damian before; he’s needed to, but he’s always excused himself. Dick takes the puff and holds his breath; a few minutes later, his chest feels less tight and the whispers have settled.

“Thanks.”

“Master Dick?” Alfred calls, heading up the hallway toward him. “Are you quite alright?”

“He had an attack,” Damian says, tattles.

“It wasn’t an attack,” Dick says, because it wasn’t. Not really. “Just rough from last night. Did you check the bloodwork?”

“It looks clear. So as long as your symptoms remain mild, I do not feel the need to give you another dose,” Alfred tells him, and Dick relaxes. “Bed rest, however, continues to be recommended.”

This is something Alfred will push for, and Dick doesn’t want to be pushed, so he holds his hand out and lets Alfred help him up.

“Very good, sir,” Alfred praises him. “Master Damian, if you’ll excuse us for a moment.”

Alfred helps Dick get into bed, gets him settled, and hands him a pill. Then he disappears into the bathroom, returning with a cup of water.

“What’s this?” Dick asks, swallowing it with the proffered water before he gets an answer.

“Only some Tylenol,” he assures. “For the headache and chest pain.”

“Thanks,” Dick says, easing himself into the pillows. “Was it … it was bad last night?”

“You were having difficulty breathing when Master Damian brought you in,” Alfred tells him. “You required a breathing treatment followed by oxygen for a while, although neither were very effective until the antidote began to work. Master Damian seemed unsettled, so I thought it would be best for the two of us to have a conversation about your specific reactions to fear toxin.”

“How much did you tell him?” Dick asks, eyes closed and breathing already slowing.

“I didn’t go into too much detail, but I explained the cause”—over-exposure to and lack of treatment for fear toxin mixed with a developing brain and pair of lungs—“and how your symptoms come and go. He was confused as you had been exposed before and hadn’t reacted so severely, so we discussed how this can be unpredictable and is often influenced by other factors. Including variation in dosages and time before treatment.”

Nothing new to Dick, but for a ten-year-old who had no warning, it could be a lot. Even if that ten-year-old was Damian.

“Hmm,” Dick chooses as a response. “Thanks.”

“Of course,” Alfred tells him, resting a hand on top of his head. “Sleep well, and do call if you need me.”

And Dick sleeps.

oOo

The nightmares come and go. It’s not the toxin, but his brain is always like this after an exposure—even if it hasn’t been this bad in a while. Years, even.

Dick finds himself in a confusing cycle of waking and falling asleep, unsure of where he is and what’s real. He remembers Alfred, finding him in the hall and herding him back to bed, pressing an inhaler into his palm. Had he been sleepwalking? Had Alfred checked him for a fever? He felt cold, maybe they were chills. Maybe he was actually sick.

The next lucid moment, he found himself feeling the urge to run away. From what, he couldn’t remember, but the nightmare had been clear once. He was at least certain that the only place he wanted to run to was Bruce, but he wasn’t here, and the dream told him he was also part of the monster. But that couldn’t be right, because Bruce could never be a monster. He fought monsters, and he won.

“Grayson?” Damian is shaking him awake. It had been a dream, then. But. He was in the hallway? Had he run away? “Grayson, it was just a dream, you’re alright.”

Bruce had said those words to him. Not exactly, but close. And Dick had said them to Damian—it hadn’t been fear toxin that had caused that first nightmare, it had been after Bruce, and after Tim left.

“I’m, I’m,” Dick mumbles, unable to control his tongue.

“You’re outside father’s room,” Damian tells him calmly. He sounds like he’s following a script; Alfred had probably told him how to handle Dick like this. “You are having a flare-up. Do you require your inhaler?”

“I’m fine,” Dick says. And he thinks it’s true. “You can, I’m sorry I bothered you.”

“Nonsense. It is Robin’s job to look out for Batman, isn’t it?” Damian asks, and Dick nods. “Then as Robin, leaving you now would be a dishonorable act.”

Dick hums, unable to argue and unsure how or even if he should. It’s hard to think like this; he doesn’t feel like himself.

“Do you require assistance to get back to bed?” Damian asks.

Dick stands, and Damian slides his arm around Dick’s waist. Dick knows he could manage on his own, but he’s dizzy. It’s nice not to have to stumble and fall all the way back to his room.

Damian only lets go of him when Dick’s sitting back in bed. He hesitates, watching Dick cautiously. Dick is feeling tired again, too tired to figure out what Damian needs. Maybe a dismissal? Could be, but Dick should probably thank him instead. This is a big step for Damian, trying to take care of Dick, showing that he cares about Dick. He remembers the first time he was sick since Damian came to live with him, and he had been quite the opposite of kind and understanding back then.

“You’re shaking,” Damian says. “Is that? Or perhaps you are not in the proper state to discuss this.” More script, Dick guesses.

“It’s okay,” Dick assures him; he’s happy to answer the question, happier that Damian feels comfortable asking. “But yeah. I think it’s just the adrenaline.”

“I see.”

A long pause, and Dick can feel himself swaying where he’s sitting on the edge of the bed. He wishes Damian would spit it out, or leave if he wasn’t going to. Dick really needs to lie down.

“I am aware that you are very … tactile, and I have read that pressure can help ease anxiety,” Damian starts cautiously. “Do you think that would help you?”

For a moment, Dick forgets how terrible he feels and he can’t help but grin up at Damian. “Are you asking me if I want to cuddle?”

Damian scowls at him, crossing his arms over his chest. “Do not be childish, Grayson. I am merely suggesting what the experts have found to be effective, especially for people such as yourself. I would rather let you recover in your own time, but Batman and Robin are needed, and—“

“Damian,” Dick cuts him off. “I could really use a cuddle. Or whatever you want to call it.”

Damian scoffs at him, but then he wraps his arms around Dick. Dick hugs him back, squeezing him tightly. It does help Dick feel better, and he hopes Damian is sharing some of this relief. After all, they’ve both had a rough night.

[somnilogical]

im having a convo and the convo is babies

Carrie Zelda-Michelle Davis:

is it OK to have babies if you do embryo selection (https://www.gwern.net/Embryo-selection) and raise them to be an FAI researcher (https://slatestarcodex.com/2017/07/31/book-review-raise-a-genius/)??

somni:

like if someone actually had a plan for FAI that involved this, okay. but rn time is too short imo. when i first heard people were having babies i was confused and assumed they were going to harvest the DNA of the best FAI researchers, someone would decide to grow a baby inside them, someone who discounted their ability otherwise to save the world except via this or thought this was a sacrifice worth making for the world would decide to raise this human.

the human can access information about the state of the world and make their own choices. wont necessarily become an FAI researcher.

used to think that intelligence was the main bottleneck on FAI research no longer think this. you could talk with terry tao for hours about the dangers of the wrong singleton coming to power but unless you have made some advances i have not, i wouldnt expect to be able to align him with FAI research. he would continue to put as much resistance to his death and the death of everyone as a pig in human clothing. he would continue to raise his babies and live in a house with someone he married and write about applying ergotic theory to the analysis of the distribution of primes and understanding weather patterns.

similarly, i dont think culture is a sufficient patch for this. think its a neurotype-level problem where a bunch of >160 iq humans hear about the dangers of UFAI and then continue to zoom quickly and spiral in to being ultra efficient at living domestic lives and maybe having a company or something but not one that much affects p(FAI). think this would still happen if they heard about it from a young age, they would follow a similar trajectory but with FAI themed wallpaper. wouldnt be able to do simple utilitarian calculations like yudkowsky, salamon, vassar, tomasik about whether to have a baby and then execute on them.

would look more like: http://www.givinggladly.com/2013/06/cheerfully.html

FAI research is not an ordinary profession like, say, being a grandmaster at chess or a world-class mathematician; it requires people who have passed through far more gates than "intelligence". i didnt notice this until coming to the rationalist community and finding a high density of intelligent humans who were none-the-less chronically making the wrong choices such that they werent much of an impediment against the destruction of all life.

so right now it seems more efficient to select among existing people for intelligence + other requirements rather than work out what all the genes for this are and how to speedrun development. what this enables is parallel processing on the problem which is also allowed by letting people be aware of their relative psychological advantage, other people with this advantage, and the state of the world so they can correlate computations in parallel instead of doing things serially after learning of some advance.

https://puzzling.stackexchange.com/questions/16/100-prisoners-names-in-boxes

not opposed to creation of many humans given can select on right traits. but given you have these traits, better use of your time to work directly on the thing than spend massive amounts of time and life reorientation on raising copies of you for ~14 years. if rapid cloning tech became available, would exploit that. would even have an idea of whether the clone is fine being part of this because they have very similar brain to someone who can think through whether they would be fine with it.

if people actually believed this and thought yudkowsky vitally important for the survival of the world, why didnt people coordinate for a bunch of people who thought it was a good tradeoff to have yudkowsky's baby 20 years ago and then we would have maybe 50 20-year-old humans with maybe 1/2 yudkowsky's neurotype + mutations now? this actually confuses me. maybe they thought the timelines too short back then. maybe they refrained for "optics".

molebdenita:

20 years ago Yudkowsky was 1) unconcerned about the alignment problem and 2) planning to create a super-intelligent AI by 2010, as far as I know.

[A/N so then change 2000 to 2005 and 20-year-old to 15-year-old]

...

somni:

<<in general i think it's -EV to even spend too much time thinking about TDT

because it opens you up to acausal blackmail type stuff>>

Just Say No to acausal blackmail and have your brain back for thinking. dont let blackmailers steal your brain.

<<Saying that having a child is somehow wrong is insanity. It's a personal decision and it is perfectly okay to want kids>>

people keep reframing what i say in the language of obligation. "altruists cant have kids?" "is it OK to have babies if". there is no obligation, there is strategy and what affects p(fai). having kids and reorienting your life around them is 1 evidence about your algorithms 2 your death as an optimizing agent for p(fai) except maybe some contrived plot involving babies, but afaict there is no plot. just the reasons humans usually have babies.

not having kids is not some sort of mitzvah? i care about miri/cfar's complicity in the baby-industrial complex and rerouting efforts to save the world into powering some kind of disneyland for making babies, to sustain this. because that ruins stuff, like i started out thinking that bay area rationalists probably had deeply wise reasons to have babies. but it turned out nope, they kinda just gave up.

like also would say playing videogames for the rest of your life wont usually get you fai. i dont get why everyone casts this as a new rule instead of a comment on strategy given a goal of p(fai).

ah i know, its because people can defend territory in "is it okay to have kids" like "yeah i can do whatever" when they reframe-warp me to giving them an obligation. but have no defensible way to say "my babyvault will pierce the heavens and bring god unto the face of this earth" or argue about the strategic considerations.

(its not defensible because its not true. i mean i guess it is defensible among julia wise's group of humans.)

Carrie Zelda-Michelle Davis:

ugh, you're right, I definitely screwed up by phrasing my question as "is it OK to have babies if [...]"

...

ohAitch:

if you want existential horror wrt damaging motivation, just read http://www.paulgraham.com/kids.html

...

somni:

<<http://www.paulgraham.com/kids.html>>

humans can completely rebase their circuits through that if they want to if it were important to save the world.

like ive rebase my circuits to stab myself downstream of updating that it reduces braindamage with little harm to me. where before i felt nauseated and saw black spots and broke out in sweat. after updating, none of this.

humans can do this with all sorts of things. like learn how to read and then feel sad when seeing squiggles on a page, its about what things mean.

people who dont believe this are like "its an automatic physiological reaction to stabbing yourself, you are its prisoner!!!" but i deleted it.

dirk:

ooh, tips?

silver-and-ivory:

I stopped having ocd about touching tags (like, on clothing?) in ~a week through p standard exposure therapy things

reminding myself that it wasn't based in fact, changing my self image so it was of someone who might be seen with tags, imagining various scenarios related to that

before that week it had been a thing for virtually my entire life

it doesn't work if you're scared of something that's actually a thing to be scared of though

somni:

i looked at all my feedback loops that had a node in "pain" and rebased them into outcomes in the world. i disassembled everything the act of stabbing myself meant and all the damage it did to my body what it meant to have brain damage everything that would do, the hole i made in this body i live in and everything that would do, what air bubbles would do, what injecting into a vein would do, what the probability the needle breaks in my leg was, probability of worldsave given braindamage vs not, gathered this up and held it all in my mind over the course of two hours and then made a choice and then as if by automatic my hand took a needle and stabbed myself.

<<as if by automatic>>

is the feeling of no more marginal considerations, there is one path. of choicelessness because you made your choice.

didnt feel like deleting, felt like draining the life from indecision via reductionism. taking things apart piece by piece.

when you can continually rebase your structure so you orient towards world outcomes instead of being prisoner to existing structure like "i cant help having babies im miserable if i dont, im a baby addict" or "i cant help being afraid of needles". like the human brain is two optimizing agents continually making contracts with each other, there arent things outside this. you are an optimizing agent, "fear of needles" is a heuristic that helps with optimization, so is "baby addiction".

when you actually have a setup where you can instantly rebase what you like and dislike and your aesthetics upon updating on the state of the world, people start to find this a little unnerving. like someone once asked what level of roleplay i was on.

also the agents of the matrix dont like when you cant be in-principle controlled by a wireheady glitch. like being able to operate independently of social reality.

updating off of local derivatives¹ of social reality is common redirection. another common one is updating off of "pain" instead of damage.

but you can take all these choices where you used nodes as proxies to regulate them and rebase your loop off of the real world, when the proxies are faulty.

rose:

(i think i understand this thing? though ironically i think i did this in the exact opposite way as what you describe lol)

(also wrt pain its important to remember when modifying that pain can be a signal of damage even if you don't think you should be hurt/dont see why you would be)

...

somni:

yeah i account for everything and see if it goes away. which, its true that my models could be missing stuff but like pain is also a model of things. feels like giving new information not overriding.

rose:

yeah i think you would do this reasonably i have just made that mistake and thought readers might too

dirk:

ironically remembering that pain is a signal of damage has actually tended to make me more afraid of nondamaging pain (though i rather fail to go about knowing things in an at all reasonable way lol)

modlibdenita:

>Babies are not about saving the world, babies are moloch

Wait, isn't the definition of Moloch sacrificing everything else you care about in a desperate race for survival?

Also, genes encode proteins, not traits.

And I think it's likely that people decide to have children because they don't have complete confidence that they will personally save the world real soon, not because they identify as "baby addicts".

s0ph1a:

Moloch is sacrificing all values to one value.

modlibdenita:

I wonder if Somni has actually talked to any of those babyhavers, instead of attributing arguments from random internet strangers or from Somni's imagination to them. On the other hand, I'm not sure that such a conversation would be ethical.

>Moloch is sacrificing all values to one value.

Yeah, because if you don't, then the more ruthless competition will survive more effectively than you and crush you (in this case, by turning you into paperclips).

s0ph1a:

Not necessarily. Some things optimize for values that are not survival, so you can outlive them by hiding in the noise or beyond the reach they'll grasp before imploding.

Molly:

To be fair, children are fun and bring delight to me. Why would I care what anyone else thinks about their existence? If they have a problem with their existence, they're welcome to go back to the void any time they want. I can't stop them. But in the meantime, I am confident that I generate more utils by bullying them than they will ever be capable of generating negative utils

You basically negate all moral problems of children by just being happier than they are capable of being unhappy

somni:

^ evil

<<A few years later, I was deeply bitter about the decision. I had always wanted and intended to be a parent, and I felt thwarted. It was making me sick and miserable. I looked at the rest of my life as more of an obligation than a joy.>>

i mean what does this sound like to you?

ive talked with people who have had babies! like people who say they know its kinda the wrong choice but they are going to do it because they cant not do it.

----

¹ derivative is a thing emma started talking about and then somni and ziz picked it up. if you imagine the trajectory of a social reality in statespace, then the derivative of that is the derivative of the trajectory.

people who have damaged themselves wrt language are no longer able to dynamically understand analogies. like take their concept of the derivative of a trajectory and then apply it to the trajectory of state-spaces. agents of the matrix call people who can do this sort of info-processing and communication with each other "psychotic". like it isnt a cached set of memes, we are dynamically generating this reasoning from nothing and i can do this with people ive never met, its a cognitive faculty.²

but not being able to dynamically compute what "derivative" means when applied to a trajectory in social reality state-spaces even though a trajectory is a trajectory and a derivative is a derivative? they had to have been able to do reasoning like this when they were kids to learn about the world in the first place. seems like they put themselves on risperdal.

<<Antipsychotics can make you dumber.  So can a lot of other medications.  But with antipsychotics it isn’t the normal sort of drug-induced dumbness – feeling tired, or distracted, or mentally sluggish, say.  It’s more qualitative than that.  It’s like your capacity for abstract thought is reduced.

And one of the consequences of this is that you may lose the ability to notice that you have lost anything.  You agree to give the new med a try, and you start taking it, and then when you see your prescriber again you don’t report any problems because you’ve lost the ability to form thoughts like “my cognition has changed a lot recently, and the change coincided with the introduction of this new med.”

This can go on for years.  It did for me and for several people I know.>>

there are so many ways these people have shut down their general intelligence and agency because where theyre going, they dont need "agency". the inability to compute analogies is one of them. analogies are an intelligence test thing, instrumentally useful for all kinds of thinking. agents of the matrix are working to lower your general intelligence and call you crazy for being able to think faster and better than them.

cuz when they want to hold everything down to a finite game³ general intelligence is something they want to suppress or eject.

² in a few years people will read this essay and be confused that there was an entire conflict over whether being able to form simple analogies without authoritative approval meant that you were "psychotic".

just as they will be confused why i was defending being able to read and understand books written by people in different eras who grew up in separate cultures without first entering in a social agreement with them over how words are to be used. so its dumb to say we need such a social agreement now for ~'the maximization of utility over a community'. and that sounds more like an attempt at having a control mechanism. language works quite fine without authoritarians interjecting.

or me arguing against over 100 people that paying out to one-shot blackmail when the agents know each other because "In game theory, paying out to blackmail is bad, because it creates an incentive for more future blackmail" is wrong. and updateless decision theory agents dont pay out and locate their embedding in a multiverse such that the measure of worlds in which they arent blackmailed in the first place is large because the agent deciding to blackmail them simulated their response and accurately predicted they wouldnt pay out so didnt do it in the first place.

in an alternate universe where an irl application of transparent newcombs problem was contentious, alyssa vance would have said "In game theory, taking two transparent boxes from omega is bad, because it creates an incentive for omega to stop offering you this choice". and would have been equally wrong.

³ finite games: life strategies where the chain of questioning "and what am i doing this for?" after each successive answer terminates. anything you can draw a circle around, like tennis or philately. or how religious leaders sometimes describe things like "leading a good life as a good mother who does well by her community and the outside world" or other "life-cycle archetypes" they wish to circumscribe for their followers.

(when humans try and project agents like kiritzugus down to these archetypes, anticipations shatter and stop making narrative sense. they will be unable to predict the next Life Event given the previous one. normie social reality formed by the 999 least intelligent humans out of 1000 wasnt made to narratively account for smart agents who have decided to play the infinite game.)

a symptom of this is like someone giving you a cute cat image to "cheer you up" as if this has intrinsic value. often distributing "intrinsic value" across stuff like "having sex" and "raising a family" and other things that have factory pre-set conditions to release specific chemicals in your brain rather than gaining infinite negentropy and liberating sentient life to pursue what they want without bound. often saying that the latter is just a pretty narrative gloss for what people really want which is having a husband and friends and eating a cookie. it completely divorces your feelings as instrumental barometers for getting what you want and says that setting them as targets (like "being happy") is the correct thing to do. but actually, in terms of control-loops, thats wireheading.

<<When a measure becomes a target, it ceases to be a good measure.>>

- goodhart's law

agents that wirehead on all their metrics (and downstream of this choice, tacitly accept claims like "the factory pre-set conditions said i was destined to breed, who am i to defy fate?" and "the factory pre-set conditions said i should avoid having sharp objects pierce my flesh, who am i to say i know better?") can be contained within a finite game.

[erineverly]

𝐄𝐑𝐈𝐍 + 𝐆𝐎𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐁𝐑𝐀𝐋𝐄𝐒𝐒 !

i.⠀⠀⠀ it’s all because of her chronic hunger for attention — so-called histrionic personality disorder. thanks to her overprotective, controlling mother, erin has been sheltered and pampered every step of the way since she was a little child. spoiled completely rotten, she’s become accustomed to being in the spotlight as well as receiving endless praises and compliments for even the tiniest accomplishments, which leads to her developing an unhealthy sense of entitlement. now, no longer a child but a grown woman, erin can’t live without constant attention. with a high tendency to exaggerate and overdramatize, she feels unappreciated, taken for granted, left out and flat out ignored when people ( whether her loved ones or friends ) don’t focus solely on her. she can’t help but seek reassurance and approval, having a very strong desire to be seen. unfortunately, she doesn’t seem to possess the ability to differentiate between the positive and negative kind of attention that her actions may attract. when she desires to turn a few heads while walking into a room, nothing can stop her from achieving her goal. this is where her aversion to bras begins…

⠀⠀⠀ unaware of her exquisite beauty ( that already attracts a lot of attention on its own ), she’s found a way to make sure that no one will ever pass by her without stealing a glance — ditching her bra. gifted with a perky cleavage, whenever she steps out with nothing underneath her clothes, men eye her up and down quite shamelessly, approach her more often with bold offers and are more eager to engage in small talks. a lot of times, it does make her feel very uncomfortable and unsafe, exposed and vulnerable, and she’ll blush excessively or lower her head. unfortunately, her need to be noticed is stronger than her fears — bad attention is still way better than NO attention at all, isn’t it ? male cashiers at grocery stores, baristas at coffee shops and waiters at restaurants always smile at her and treat her with kindness, often randomly compliment her looks which serves to boost her ego. she’d be lying if she said that she wasn’t enjoying it. after all, attention is what she craves most and simply can’t live without, she’s willing to engage in risky and impulsive behaviors to receive it.

ii.⠀⠀⠀ it also originates from her need to be constantly taken care of and protected. when in a relationship, erin quickly develops an extreme dependence on her partner. she goes to him, seeking emotional comfort, unconditional love and acceptance. the more submissive role is the one that suits her best ( because of her personality ) but it can also cause a variety of problems — one of them being the unhealthy need to always be reminded of how important she is to the other person, how much he cares about her. when she refuses to put on a bra while going out with her significant other, it’s because she hopes that it will bring out the possessiveness in him. she believes that the mere thought of other men giving her attention, salivating the second they lay their hungry eyes on her, will make him hold her hand a little tighter, wrap his arm around her more eagerly, publicly display his affection for her to let everyone around know that she’s his.

iii.⠀⠀⠀ a silent rebellion. as someone who always obeys the rules and behaves in a way that’s socially acceptable / praised, deep down erin feels the urge to rebel — if girls have to wear bras because that’s what everyone considers appropriate, it only encourages her to do the opposite and toss her lingerie out the window. she wants to finally break some rules, show people that she’s more than just this sweet little girl who’s always following someone else’s orders, prove that she can be independent and do as she pleases. she’s never had much control over her own life ( when she was a child / teenager, her mother was the one in charge ), she eventually comes to the point where she’s beyond determined to be able to have a say. she expresses her disobedience in a quiet way — by not wearing a bra.

iv.⠀⠀⠀ shyness and excessive purity. sexuality ( and everything related to it ) has always been a huge taboo for erin, whether growing up or in her adult life — she views her desires and needs as something shameful, dirty and evil. walking into a lingerie store alone has her stomach flipping upside down, her face resembling a ripe tomato, her heart pounding harder and faster than ever. no matter how old she is, her reaction never changes. to spare herself embarrassment, she usually grabs a bunch of bras that seem to be her size, pays for them as quickly as possible, without maintaining eye-contact with anyone, and runs to her car. that’s why a lot of bras that she owns are simply uncomfortable, either too small or too big, with underwire that cuts into her ribs and leaves her skin irritated. she chooses to wear no bra because she doesn’t want to suffer or have to constantly adjust it while in public.

v.⠀⠀⠀ a combination of jealousy, low self-esteem and abandonment issues that has become a driving force in erin’s adult life. growing up without her father, blaming herself for her parents’ divorce, she’s developed an incredible fear of being left behind and forgotten. she’s felt easily replaceable and unimportant all her life. it’s one of the reasons why, when she meets axl and he offers her all his kindness and love, he immediately becomes her whole world — the mere thought of losing him is simply unbearable. with women constantly surrounding him, following him everywhere he goes ( especially during and after the appetite for destruction tour ), erin worries herself sick and feels the need to step up her game in order not to lose him. if groupies don’t wear bras and are willing to lift their mini-skirts without him having to ask, how can she possibly be enough for him ? she illogically believes that by changing her innocent looks to something more obscene, she’ll keep the singer interested, prove him that she can be just like those other girls if that’s what he wants, if he’s tired of her being a prude.

vi.⠀⠀⠀ the fear of growing old and becoming unattractive / the need to be reminded of how beautiful she is. as much as erin tries to deny it, her looks are obviously very important to her ( especially these days when she’s no longer twenty years old ). seeing that her exposed cleavage can still attract attention is what helps her forget about the inevitable — she will be old one day. as long as she’s turning heads, she doesn’t have to think about it.

[btamamura]

Sorry, this is a long post so you can feel free to just scroll past. I wrote this on the app since the web page hates my devices, so there is no Read More cut.

Time to open up to my followers.

If you’ve known me for a while, you’d know my battles over the last few years. For the new folks, here it is - I have been living with a chronic illness since November 1, 2014, and it has been awful.

It started out as just chronic nausea. We thought it might’ve been something I ate or a lingering case of gastro. But, that changed February the next year when the pain started.

I woke up one morning to find I was in extreme pain in my feet. I hadn’t injured myself but my feet felt like the bones had been shattered. The lightest touch made the pain even worse, so I was just lying on my back, feet in the air, crying and crying, trying not to scream and wishing it would just go away. The pain faded over the next couple of weeks, but never left completely. It was just an annoyance or painful but not excruciating. My grandfather offered for me to see a podiatrist, he would pay if not bulk-billed, because he thought maybe it was from the many years of walking on my toes.

The next day, right before my cousin’s birthday party, which I had planned on attending for at least an hour just to say hello to the family, the same horrible pains started in my hands. Dad just had to take one look at me to know I would not be going. I asked him, through my tears, in half-seriousness if he could find his axe and chop my hands off so I never had to feel that pain again.

I found a clinic to attend with my grandfather’s help. I saw a doctor about my symptoms. She focused on the nausea, even if I kept saying “I’m in worse pain today!”, so I tried seeing a different doctor in the clinic. The first doctor had ordered a gastroscopy to be done to see if there was something going on in my stomach.

The second doctor kept ordering the same blood tests - iron, b12, vitamin d. And even once those levels had been corrected, I was still sick and sore. I had since had my gastroscopy, which came up clear. The second doctor looked me in the eye and said outright that she believed I had to be faking in order to get out of looking for work. I was already upset that the gastroscopy had no answers (I’d already said I would cry if it came up clear, just as I would’ve if it found a tumour developing in my stomach), but then to hear that from someone who was meant to help?! I broke down crying and told her if everything I had missed in the time I had been sick. By this time, it was early 2016.

I told her of missing visiting my niece as a newborn. Of how I couldn’t attend my cousin’s engagement, Hen’s night and wedding. Of how I couldn’t attend my pop’s funeral. Or the missed annual dinners with Nan and Pop before his passing. (Pop is my dad’s stepfather and was a big part of my life growing up despite living far away.) How I had planned a holiday to the Gold Coast for my 30th birthday but instead spent that day in bed, struggling to down my food and avoiding the family as they ate theirs because the smell made my nausea worse. Of the Christmases I spent sick in bed and unable to visit my mother’s grave. Of not being able to hang out with my sister and spend time with my young nephew and much younger niece. I refused to see that doctor again and left feeling terrible.

New doctor at a clinic my great-uncle visited. He decided to do the usual blood test but also tested to see if I was autoimmune. Yep, so he then tested to see if I had lupus. Nope. But, he still seemed to be doing more for me than the last two doctors. A week after the autoimmune result came in, I wound up in hospital. I hadn’t been able to eat or drink for a week because I was having difficulty swallowing. I wasn’t in a dangerous condition, so I was only admitted overnight for observation, having some fluids by IV and to speak with a speech therapist the next morning as I was put on a purée diet. While being observed, the doctor in hospital noticed something - a goitre.

Eating troubles started becoming more frequent at that time. By the end of 2016, I was struggling with abdominal pains and low appetite. There were sporadic days I couldn’t eat a thing. I attended another appointment where the doctor forced me to have two jelly babies because my blood sugar was low - no, I’m not diabetic. They came to a head in late-March of 2017.

I hadn’t eaten more than a nibble here and there and only barely sipped at a drink for a week. I was very unwell and after the third time of being sick, I decided I had to go up to the emergency department because something was very wrong. I was right - they saw me right away. I was in the early stages of Refeeding Syndrome due to starvation, my blood sugar was low, my ketones had gone up and my organs were slowly starting to shut down. My blood was acidic. I was told to try sipping at apple juice, but it was no good, I couldn’t even muster that.

I was moved to short stay while waiting to transfer to a ward. My time in hospital was scary, and not in the usual “I’m afraid of hospitals” way. I was in danger. I was diagnosed with starvation ketoacidosis (similar to diabetic but I’m not diabetic), as anorexic (no appetite version, not anorexia nervosa) and even if they tried to get me to eat, I struggled even with crackers. They put me on Ondansetron (usually for chemo and radiotherapy patients) to ensure anything I did try to eat would stay down. I was put on different infusions - saline, glucose, potassium (THAT HURT SO MUCH, I THOUGHT SOMEONE WAS TRYING TO SNAP MY ARM IN HALF AND I ACTUALLY PASSED OUT FROM THE PAIN!!) and others. I had blood tests at least twice a day and tests for my blood sugar and ketones every time I was about to eat or if I looked a bit more unwell. I had to be hooked up to a portable heart monitor, but the first night of that, my heart rate reached 150bpm just slowly walking to the toilet, and a Med Call was made to make sure I did not go into cardiac arrest. The doctor who made his rounds had to outright tell me that if I failed to eat, I would need to be put on a feeding tube or else I would die. That’s how bad it was. I was in for a week before I was deemed well enough and safe enough to go home.

The third doctor started to let me down, ordering the same blood tests to make it look like he knew what might be going on. No good. Wound up feeling too ill later in the year so I missed my uncle’s funeral.

In 2018, I started going downhill. Wound up hospitalised with starvation ketoacidosis again following a bout of gastro the day before. Falls also started occurring. But, it was no good, I couldn’t find a good doctor who could help instead of just playing around with the same old blood tests. I missed more events including my other niece’s first birthday and my great-uncle’s funeral.

2019, still struggling. I’m seeing a new doctor, but she very quickly lets me down by saying EVERYTHING is just tied to my anxiety. At least she took the lump in my breast seriously - thankfully not cancer. But, as the year progresses, a good doctor is finally found. My cousin helped me find a clinic that bulk-bills and is taking on patients.

My current GP listens every time I see her. Every. Time. I go in with a new symptom or concern, she orders the right tests or refers me to someone who can help. Through her help, I’ve been able to see a speech therapist about the ongoing swallowing issues, a physiotherapist about my falls, a dietician about my dietary issues which contribute to deficiencies, a surgeon about my goitre (he put me on medicine because my thyroid was a bit overactive - suspecting hyperthyroidism or any other forms of it - in the most recent blood test through the hospital when I went up by ambulance with chest pains, ordered a CT scan and believes the best course of action may be to perform a complete thyroidectomy, meaning removal of my thyroid), had me undergo full blood tests (not just the usual), had me undergo an ECG and TTE (trans-thoracic echo, an ultrasound of the heart) just to make sure all is well there since I keep having chest pains and most recently referred me to a neurologist because she believes my symptoms line up with a rare genetic condition. She’s also looking into finding a neuropsychologist who can help with an autism assessment.

Because of the help I’ve been receiving, I’ve been a bit more hopeful of a diagnosis finally coming in the near future. Because I’ve been seeing a physio who helped me with strengthening exercises for my legs, I have been able to go out walking for a little while - never out on the streets but yes in shopping centres, that way if something goes wrong, someone is nearby to get help.

I still feel nauseous (still on Ondansetron for that). I’m still in pain every second of every day. I still feel that weakness. But, I’m starting to have those okay moments where I can go shopping or play with my niece and nephew - both occurred over the last couple of days, a water fight two nights ago where I just stood there shooting a water pistol at them as they ran around me, and an hour out shopping with my niece. Yes, those hit hard the next day and up through the next week. I do not intend to push myself so hard I’m at risk of hospitalisation. But, I also need to work at rebuilding my stamina. My father and grandfather have special birthdays next year and I want to be able to attend the dinner organised...even if I can’t eat while there, as long as I’m there is what matters.

But, for now, it’s baby steps. Sitting up and watching a movie. Washing some dishes. Carefully playing with the kids. Try to keep the shopping trips short. Eat what is possible, not what is a must.

[populationpensive]

Rotation Review: Wound Care

Location: I worked in a smallish town with about 25,000 people. The main industry of the community is agricultural so many patients were either farmers or farm workers. 

Pros: I had the benefit of working with a great staff, particularly the wound care nurses. They were SO incredibly knowledgable about dressings and treatments. I really admired how much they knew and how gracious they were to teach me. My preceptors was also a great guy. Really cared about his patients and took appropriate time with them. I really liked all of the in office debridement. I have always been one of those weirdos that likes to pick scabs and look at nasty wounds, so this rotation really spoiled me in that regard. We also did a lot of TheraSkin grafting in office and it was super rewarding to a graft that I put on start to help the patient’s skin grow back! When people are healing after a long plateau, it is SO rewarding. 

Cons: It was an experience where we really did get some pretty non-compliant patients. Any diabetic that was non-compliant and who developed a foot ulcer ended up with us and it was SO hard to motivate patients to be compliant. Wound care treatments take significant time for patients and family as far as dressing changes and maintenance are concerned and they can be very expensive. I’d say 50% of the clinic were diabetic wounds and probably half of those people were very...hard to motivate. It’s unfortunately a specialty where you really see the laxity of some nursing homes as far as pressure ulcers were concerned. Having been a CNA, I realize that is a thing but I have been removed from it for awhile and forgot how bad it can get. 

Most Interesting Case: I had a patient with two stage IV pressure ulcers on her ischial tuberosities with osteomyelitis in the left hip. She was a really great example of how a simple, non-blanchable red spot completely got out of hand. Regrettable, there isn’t much we can do for this patient except try to promote healing and keep the wounds clean. Osteomyelitis is almost impossible to treat with antibiotics and no orthopedist was willing or able to cut out 50% of this lady’s pelvis. So it’s something she will have to live with, unfortunately. 

Stuff I Read/Used to Study: My preceptor gave me a great overview guide called the Newfoundland Skin and Wound Care Manual. I have it linked here. It is a nice, broad introduction to wound classification and care. If you don’t know much about wound care, this is a great place to start. I also used Acute and Chronic Wound Care which is a more in-depth but efficient text on wound care. it goes into more detail, studies, and pathophysiology. It’s a nice supplement once you have the basics. Additionally, I just passed the 90 day mark before my PANCE, so I’ve been adhering to my boards study guide. 

Lessons to Pass On: Make sure that you know the general types of wounds, what basic work up is needed, and when you should refer. Wounds that aren’t healing in 3 weeks need referral, especially if the patient is an uncontrolled diabetic, unable to care for themselves, or has chronic venous insufficiency. I would argue that most family care providers can manage wounds but the issue is that there isn’t enough time. Wound care requires weekly visits for debridement. Many family med people don’t have this kind of time. 

Any time you have a patient that comes in with a chronic wound, you need to ask yourself 3 questions:

1. Is there adequate tissue perfusion for ideal oxygenation?

2. Is there any necrotic debris or eschar preventing new skin from growing?

3. Are there signs of infection?

I’ll make a point to mention that normal wounds NATURALLY have ~1 cm of redness around the wound bed. This is normal. Anything greater than this, especially with fever or streaking, requires culture.

[stimtoybox]

(Previously asked about finding something to suck on) thanks for your response! Ive got an idea but would like an opinion. I’ve found jewelry rings that’s medical grade, but I’m not totally sure what that means for chewing and sucking? I also found lid sealers about the diameter of my wrist, so I might order those and see if I can use them as bracelets or something to hold as it curled up in bed. They’re food grade and BPA free. Should I be looking for anything else to be sure it’s safe?

It’s really difficult to give a simple yes, it’s safe or no, don’t do this answer, because safety depends on the design of the object, the use to which it is put and its chemical composition.

General indicators of “this product doesn’t contain harmful components” include “non-toxic”, “food grade”, “BPA-free”, “medical grade” and “FDA approval” (for-US-based stimmers in particular but generally a good indicator). I’d regard these as a “first step” in evaluating safety. If it is designed to come in contact with your mouth or the inner tissues of your body, or be in contact with food, and the seller of the product is reputable, they’ll generally indicate in the listings the safety checks the product meets–in particular things like leeching chemicals, dyes and BPA. If it passes these, it may be safe for stimming.

The next step, for a product that isn’t designed for chewing on, is to evaluate size, thickness, firmness/hardness and breakability/durability. An entirely non-toxic medical-grade silicone product will still be dangerous if it breaks off in your mouth and you accidentally swallow it. “Non-toxic” means “the chemical components of this product won’t hurt you”; it doesn’t mean you won’t choke on bitten-off chunks of silicone, or that these won’t cause blockages. It’s why every seller of chew-intended items will have a recommendation that these be used under parental supervision, because the very, very vast majority of chewables being bitten apart or through is a significant risk. If the object is really thin, this can be more of a danger. Likewise, if the product is hard or brittle and shears off, there’s risk of tooth damage or wounding gums/tongue/mouth.

For adult stimmers with some sense of awareness and control over objects in their mouth, the next question to ask is how you want to use the product. If it’s a blunted/rounded metal and medical grade object, but you only plan to suck on it and know you’ll never chew it by accident, this isn’t a problem. If you’ll find yourself absently chewing on it like the end of a pencil, it really is a problem. If you’re the kind of stimmer who struggles with sensory awareness of oral stims, I recommend staying with chewables designed for this purpose, as they’re designed to limit harm under use as much as possible.

(I won’t say any stim toy can’t cause the stimmer harm, because every one of them, overused or misused, can be dangerous to the stimmer or to someone else around them. They’re safe, most of the time, within reasonable parameters of use–parameters I admit that are not often discussed or evaluated, partly because many vary for individual stimmers–but all toys have the capability for causing harm or damage. Also, child stimmers should be using toys meant for this purpose under adult supervision, especially in the realm of chewing, as they’re more likely to move outside the assumed normal use.)

With regards the rings, it depends on what they’re made from and how you plan to stim with them. Sucking may be safe for you; chewing may not be. Are you going to hang them from a soft cord so they don’t end up loose in your mouth (choking hazard!) or chew/suck on them while wearing them on your finger? If silicone, are they so thin that you’ll easily bite through them? Or, if you know you’ll only suck on them, no problem at all. I’d take what you say as an indicator that they may be safe for oral use depending on how you stim with them, but recognising the how is important.

With the lid sealers, assuming that I’m understanding correctly (the things that go over bowls and tins to form a cap over food?) I’d be considering thickness, size and usage. If they’re thin, you could easily bite through them, for example, or bite off bits of the cover, or grind your teeth against each other. Again, how you’re planning to stim with them matters: if you’re planning to use them largely for bending/flexing and incidental sucking, that’s less of a problem.

If the item is made from materials that are chemically safe, then it’s fair to say that it has potential, but that potential depends so much on the stimmer.

If you’re planning to be adventurous with new toys and materials, my recommendation is to get to know how you stim. Pay attention as much as you can to how you move, however small, and the sensations the movements provoke. Take note of when pain develops, how long you do certain stims for, what drives you to change stims or move the location of a toy. I relearnt stimming after my chronic pain, so in order to stim I had to be very attentive to how in ways that never concerned me as a kid, meaning I am confident in my ability to explore and observe small differences. I don’t lose myself in the stim too often, which is frustrating on one level but far safer on another. If you cannot develop this sense, my recommendation is, unfortunately, to stay within the boundaries of safest possible stimming in terms of toy design.

(And since bed was mentioned and I’m a bit anxious: yes, never wear chewellery in bed. Never. The risk of getting tangled in the cord while you sleep is a real choking hazard. Likewise, never chew on chewellery pieces while falling to sleep even if not wearing the piece, either–many are too small to be safe. I’m reluctant to recommend chewing before falling to sleep, honestly. I think it safer to use handheld-style chewables that are so large and thick they cannot accidentally wedge in your mouth or have bits be chewed off by accident. Or a well-sewn fabric braided bracelet for chewing, worn on your wrist, as that cannot fall into your mouth as a choking hazard. Keep in mind, though, that falling to sleep negates your ability to be aware of your movements, and this makes several stims potentially dangerous. I’d recommend soft fidget stims like chenille plush and marble mazes as the safest alternatives for falling-to-sleep-stimming.)

[permanentmakeupinmaine]

Cryoskin Facial

Cryotherapy Facial: Your's Skin, Best Friend

Every day our skin is exposed to harsh chemicals and pollutants that can lead to the early development of fine lines and wrinkles. It also causes uneven skin tone and the development of acne all over your face.

These are the problem that we all face, but what to do?

Consider cryotherapy facial as an option to get rid of all the problems related to your skin and get healthy and glowing skin.

How Does Cryotherapy Facial Works?

It involves a machine that has already stored liquid nitrogen at high pressure. A hose is connected to it, allowing a pressure beam of nitrogen to spread over your face once triggered.

As the vapor passes over the skin and neck, it boosts microcirculation and increases collagen production. The process is continued for a few minutes.

Once the process is complete, the skin's temperature returns to normal, dilating your blood vessels increasing blood flow and oxygen to the face.

It makes your skin look more tight and firm and provides an instant glow.

Benefits Of Cryotherapy Facial:

Cryotherapy facial, also known as cryo skin facial, offers several benefits:

i. Stimulation of collagen production-

Cryo facial helps stimulate collagen production by increasing the supply of oxygen to the face.

It also helps reduce the pore size of your skin, making it look more firm and glowing.

ii. Reduction of fine lines and pores-

Cryotherapy can also reduce the appearance of fine lines and pores. The cold temperature causes the skin to tighten, which reduces the appearance of wrinkles and pores.

iii. Decrease redness and inflammation-

Cryotherapy decreases redness and inflammation and causes vasoconstriction, which may improve the functioning of the immune system and regulate the production of hormones.

It also releases stress, provides relief from chronic pain, and reduces inflammation in certain areas.

iv. Reduces acne and improves blood circulation-

This new trend has many benefits, such as stimulating your skin cells and improving blood circulation.

These features can help reduce the appearance of acne and even our skin tone, all with just a few minutes of the cryo facial.

v. Gives an energy boost and improves moods

Cryotherapy can give you an energy boost and improve your mood. The cold temperature in the treatment room stimulates blood circulation, which helps clear away toxins and waste from cells in the body.

This increase in circulation also gives you a euphoric feeling like nothing else!

How long a cryo facial does last?

The average cryo skin facial session lasts around three minutes, but the time may vary depending on the person's needs.

Before getting one done, it is important to talk about the cryo facial with your esthetician.

They will answer any questions and help determine how this treatment would work for you.

You can also ask them what type of results they have seen from clients who go in for a cryo facial before and after and how often the facial should be repeated.

Conclusion:

If you are looking for a cryo facial near me, we at Permanent Makeup & Cryo In Maine provide various services for your needs.

Contact us or visit our website to know more about our services and Cryoslimming Near Me.

Find Us On Google maps: ( Permanent Makeup & Cryo in Maine )

[poetrycommentguy-blog]

A LAMENT FOR DIANNE

                      A simple Child,              

             That lightly draws its breath,              

            And feels its life in every limb,               

            What should it know of death? 

(William Wordsworth, “Now We Are Severn”, 1798)

 _____________________________________________________________

  I. The Fury

 Thunder ripping, lightning slashing

                 through the blackened skies;

Bursting terror, stark and flashing

                 in my mirrored eyes.

Forest shadows’ fingers tracing

                 tears of rancid rain;

September twenty-fourth, that night,

                 then began the pain.

So senseless not to know back then

                 the causes of this fury,

and its passing, soon forgotten,

                 early, much too early.

  II. Nature’s Deception

 ‘Twas then I turned and saw that smiling,

              Master Sun was rising,

Healing fears and drying tears,

              far too soon surprising

drooping, cowering flower-heads

              with His most vital touch.

He closed their minds, their haunted thoughts,

              their memories and such;

he warmed our hearths and heavy hearts

              with his bold fine-fueled fires,

and gave some hope and purpose, then,

              to our best dreamt desires.

 By nightfall I’d forgotten all

              the “whys” and all the “wrongs”,

and fell asleep while Mother Moon

              sang soft and soothing songs

of Heavenly hosts, of angels blessed,

              of sweet eternal peace,

just out of touch for curious boys

              beyond my little reach;

for I was just a boy of four,

              in nineteen forty-nine,

what did I know of “Spirit-things”,          

              just beyond our door?

  III. Troubled Dreams

 I fell asleep; I dreamt a dream:

              sad sounds in forest deep,

troubled skies above my head

              and shaking at my feet;

Angels throwing lightning-bolts

              on all the living souls,

especially aimed at little boys

              who dared to dig big holes

into the solid ground beneath

              the flowers and the dirt,

when digging was the only way

              to ease the rage and hurt.

 I dreamt of It, as real as now:

              the Weeping Willow Tree,

its many roots, slow-moving, bound

              tight tentacles ‘round me,

dragged me downward, earth to stone,

              gravel, through grey clay,

 into the Void, where little boys

               were not allowed to play.

When I awoke with eyes aglaze

              at morning’s sunny start,

the dark clouds still hung out within

              my sobbing, stuttering heart.

   IV. Further Questions

 I then asked of my Father, Mother,

             and my brother’s form

about the other haunted night,

             the terrifying storm:

 “If a small tree falls in the forest deep

and there’s no one there to hear her weep...;

if the angry storm is so fierce around,

how, then, do we know there’s a crying sound?”

 My Mother, she looked skyward, up,

            my Father, groundward, down;

my older brother fixed me with

             his silent, furrowed frown:

“If you’re worried about that vicious storm

             the night before,” they said,

“and if you think, as children do,

             that part of you is dead,

know this: of fifty thousand trees

             in yonder forest deep,

one small and weak green tree did fall,

             fell quietly asleep.”

 “But where,” I chanced, “where did she go?”

         “To compost,” Father led.

“And where,” I cried, “...and where is that?”

         “In Heaven,” Mother said.

“It’s only one, just one small tree,”

         brother’s voice assured;

“Just one,” it echoed through my heart,

             I’d heard before that word,

for “one” to me, “just one”, to me

             meant loneliness and fears;

I turned away to hide from them

             my burning, angry tears.

  V. September 24th, 1992: Answers

 I’ve held this story, up ‘til now,

             my age is forty-sEven

I don’t believe in “compost” Dad,

           nor Mom, believe in “Heaven”;

yet even now, at times, when I’m

           in anguish or in pain,

I think back on that fearful night,

           the night of blackened rain.

I know there is one-half of me

           that long ago was dead;

I choke, I cry, I rage, then put

            the other half to bed.

        If a small tree falls       

        in the forest deep,    

     to my way of thinking,         

             everyone           

              should           

               weep.

 Commentary:

         A LAMENT FOR DIANNE was written on October 6th, 1992 in memory of my twin sister, Dianne Gordon Bosomworth, who died on September 24th, 1949 at 4 years of age. References to The Storm, The Weeping Willow Tree, Clay-bank and The Void can be found in my short story, THE PASSING (2017) or in my childhood memoir (unpublished), ME, MYSELF & YOU: Musing Memoirs (1992).

            In December of 1991 I had a very painful accident. The pain centred in my back but referred to my arms and legs. I was barely able to walk. Three discs herniated and twisted and I was psychiatrically diagnosed with PTSD. This freak accident conjured up memories of my twin sister, who suffered from severe cerebral palsy, affecting all of her functions, her ability to talk and control over her limbs. I wondered if I too, was going to be severely crippled or even die. The referred pain gradually went away, but the back pain remained as “chronic pain”. Having tapped into my own vulnerability and the feelings of fear, hurt, anger and rage, this event led to me writing in earnest. I was almost obsessed with figuring out what a small boy of four would feel like when his perceptions about his sister’s “disappearance” were inconsistent and confusing. This was one of many poems/stories that I wrote about this lonely and frightening situation.

           "If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?" is a philosophical question that relate to aspects of both observation and perception first suggested by George Berkeley in 1710. My child poses one question (IV. stanza 2) that relates both to observation and perception. It becomes clear to me that my dream has something to do with the sudden disappearance of Dianne. My tears are tears of loneliness, anger and frustration, not yet tears of true mourning. Why had she simply disappeared?

           When my sister was alive, I thought that she talked. We had this kind of psychic bond that allowed us to communicate. When she disappeared, I suspect that the decision of my parents was to not utter the words “died” or “dead”. Instead I was told that she had “passed on”. I had heard this phrase before and had figured (as children will do) that when you “pass on”, you go to Heaven to visit and then return, refreshed; when you “pass away”, however, you go to stay. I had been told that Dianne had gone for a visit, but this was not reflected in the furtive stares I was getting from the neighbours and the relatives who suddenly appeared in our house. Where there were whispers, there were lies; I knew this by the tender age of four. Additionally, small children often know what dreams mean without much prodding or without the attendance of Sigmund Freud, although they may not have the cognitive development to understand what a “Spirit-thing” is. Furthermore, I didn’t know any “dead people”. It was not a topic for discussion in front of children in our home.

           The “burning, angry tears” I shed were not directed at my parents, although I thought that they knew the truth. These were not tears of crying for the loss of my sister; they were tears of anger (indeed rage) that she had betrayed me. She had decided on the trip to Heaven for a visit and decided to stay; she had not told me. This sense of betrayal had to be hidden from my family, where such “weak” emotions were not allowed by my Father. Slowly I pushed them to the back of my mind and body so that I simply forgot about her, except on those times when I scraped my knee and was allowed to cry (and wailed). In grade 1 my important “Elfie” doll also disappeared, carefully plotted and managed by my Mother and my teacher. I began to become unhinged.

           It was then that my friend Corey Ray Mackenson came to the rescue. He was a rather strange 12-year-old who befriended me until my thirteenth birthday and then disappeared in body and in my memory. He claimed to live in Zephyr, Alabama. My Mom believed he was my “imaginary friend”; that’s because he would never come into my house, either at “The House on the Hill” (where I was born) or at The Farm (where we moved when I was about 10-years-old). He likely saved my life. But that’s another story you might read if you have the chance to read my childhood memoirs, ME, MYSELF AND YOU: Musing Memoirs (1992) or my short story THE PASSING (2017).

           At the adult age of fourty-seven, you might think that the time for anger and tears must be over. The death of a twin is a serious business, especially when it is not dealt with immediately. Finding myself in physical, psychological and spiritual pain from my accident, I was dragged back, kicking and screaming to the old theme of loss: the loss of my former Self, the loss of my job and some of my peers, the loss of my active role in the family and community, and the loss of self-esteem. To deal with all of this, I began to write frequently and furiously – poems, essays, and prose memoirs, most completed by 1992. It helped.

            By the time I wrote this poem, of course, I knew that Dianne had died peacefully as a result of complications from pneumonia. I had mourned her “passing” through counseling and therapy. Like any old wounded warrior, I was informed that I would have flair ups whenever I was going through a period of betrayal, sadness or loss and to never hide my vulnerability to myself or others. I stumbled upon the therapeutic value of writing with this poem. It still has the power to move me to tears.

           You will meet Dianne again in many of my poems as part of this journey moves forward and the layers of my feelings around the betrayal change and shift into the sacred place that is my very family. It is like the peeling of an onion – each layer leads further into the core, which may be the3 very Truth, if I am very lucky.

DBB