#and how he is unfortunately a case of an autistic parent saying 'no no this is normal i do it too' to their autistic child

[frankenb1rd]

jason is out here representing the "not autistic in the sense I need a pop-it to go out in public, but autistic in the sense that I know how to build a bomb," girlies

[acrylic-anxiety]

things I thought were canon in mha but are probably just things the fandom made up that are so deeply ingrained in fanmedia, coming from someone who only joined the fandom a few months ago (correct me if im wrong)

(also not caught up on s7)

- literally any ships (rip, i know, but guys, no student relationships are canon as of rn)

- eijirou and mina went to middle school together

- denki probably has (absence) seizures due to overusing his quirk/bc storms

- red shoe theory (the quirkless have an extra toe joint and bc of that they need different shoes. unfortunately there's only one type, so doesn't matter if you're 5 or 80, you're stuck wearing bright red sneakers ://)

- erasermic. just the entirety of them being together. also includes erasermic fam. still rioting from when i found out erasermic is not canon >:((

- denki has adhd + dyslexia + dyscalculia (and probably a seizure disorder)

- hitoshi is in the foster system (and was probablg ab*sed bc of his quirk. includes mentions of muzzles and quirk suppressants)

- present mic was born with his quirk, deafening everyone in the room when he was born (includes mentions of muzzles)

- the bakugous (mitsuki and masaru) are either the best parents in the world (super attentive and caring) or suck and are probably ab*sive (quirk suppressants on katsuki any time he comes home, neglectful masaru, aggressive mitsuki)

- izuku is autistic (while not canon, i wouldnt be surprised, this is coming from someone with auDHD)

- denki's parents are both pro heroes (theres two pro's with electricity quirks. maybe?? maybe not?? we'll never know)

- endeavor is homophobic (i mean... im not saying he's not-)

- present mic was adopted by two moms

- eijirou has two moms (this one tho, so cute oml im screaming)

- the bakugous run a fashion empire (katsuki modeled for them before UA

- rooftop trio's full friend group included nemuri (a year ahead of them) and tensei (iida's brother)

- iida is autistic (ngl, if this aint the case im rioting)

- tsu never had a childhood, too busy parenting her siblings while her parents were at work or traveling

- back to the bakugous, they were too busy traveling to do photoshoots (mitsuki was the model and masaru designed clothes) to watch over katsuki, so he taught himself how to do everything (chores, keeping tbe house, cooking, etc)

- eijirou has depression/was su*c*dal in middleschool, the only thing keeping him from toppling was mina

- some mutation quirks are there at birth, others come in later. ex: toru (hagakure) was not born invisible, she turned invisible when out shopping with her mom (just imagine thinking "oh shit i just lost my kid at the store" and feeling something grab your leg with the voice of your kid but nothjngs there. wild, absolutely wild) just imagine this shit with the rest of our resideng mutation kids (whom i adore) koji, fumikage, mina, mezo, mashirao (would you consider hanta, kyoka, rikido, and mineta mutation quirk kids? bc i do)

- some kids come from all over the world (i like the idea of it, just how do they all know japanese then??) one i can remember rn were like denki is a 2nd gen japanese american, yuga we know is from france, hanta is latino (i adore this)

- mineta is great!! or mineta is a r*p*st (now, hes gotten better, i'll give you that, but hes still not great and i choose to hate him so im moving on-)

- the sports festival ceremony triggered a flashback for katsuki, making him feel like he was back with the sludge villian again

- izuku and katsuki co-wrote all might fanfiction and individually at one point had all might stan pages.

- fumikage, hitoshi, and kyoka rotate between the bakusquad and dekusquad

- the emosquad consists of fumikage, hitoshi, kyoka, mezo, katsuki, and shouto

- ochako has dad sneezes (loud asf and probably back to back) and katsuki has kitten sneezes (cute and singular) (no i will not explain further)

- while katsuki is loud and "angry" all of the time, you only really got to worry when he becomes deadly silent

- if you want tea on anyone, go to either mezo or kyoka. they know all

- shouto had many firsts after the dorms were implemented: first time trying ice cream, watching a movie, listening to music, trying certain foods, etc. bc endeavor either hated it, or didnt allow him access to it bc he thought it was a waste of time

- momo probably has an eating disorder, regardless of her quirk, due to her parents pressure as a high society family

- quirk related symptoms/damage. ex: katsuki's explosions causing low blood pressure and hearing loss. present mics causing hearing loss and chronic sore throats (maybe even repeat tonsilitis??). hitoshi getting migraines, insomnia, and nose bleeds from excessive quirk use.

- aizawa transfered to the hero course after winning the sports festival his first year at UA (i think it makes sense, what with him training hitoshi later)

(this is what i could think of rn, theres probably more, add on if you think of any)

[alexrod-dbd]

3, 5, 15, 17 for the dbd ask game :)

Okay let’s go.

3. A character you think is underrated/ underappreciated.

Does Jenny count? Bc I really love the relationship she forms with the core 4 and I really want her to be their parent figure 🥹

5. Which character do you relate to the most?

I’d say a mix of Edwin and Charles but if I really had to choose, it would be Edwin for different reasons: 1. I’m not diagnosed yet but I highly suspect myself to be some kind of autistic, and, well, Edwin is very autistic coded for a lot of us right? Mostly regarding his aversion to touch and his human relations, 2. his sassy attitude? I think I can be like that with some of my friends, 3. I also fell in love with my best friend (unfortunately for me it was not reciprocated), and 4. I have a lot of fun and find it easier to put myself in his shoes when doing videos for tiktok.

But also Charles bc I’m very optimistic and keep spirits up a lot like him, and I can’t express my feelings for the life of me. Although I don’t have half the energy he has nor I can fight like he does.

15. Favourite line in the show?

Gosh that’s way too hard I have so many 😭 Basically every Edwin lines, but one that stands out otherwise is the Cat King going “WHY the FUCK are you here?!” with Esther

17. Theory you have/had for season 2?

Learning more about Kashi. Like during a case, the boys encounter a problem that leads to them asking the Night Nurse for help and her telling them about Kashi and we somehow learn that he’s a supernatural of some kind. I always found it strange that we knew so little about him. Like, how was he not dead like all the other ghosts and living in a giant fish instead, just like the Night Nurse?

[thenightfolknetwork]

okay, I'm a nurse and we see strange things okay?

well, night shift and this woman arrives in labor with her husband, goes to the delivery room and three hours later we have this beautiful baby boy. screaming at the top of his lungs, flushed and healthy, weighing 3 kilos. The mother was a little groggy so we left him in the nursery for a moment, and when I handed the little thing to her, she freaked out saying that wasn't her baby!

After a long inspection we found that he was indeed made of twigs. She said she wanted hers back, but our hospital doesn't take responsibility for changelings and honestly, being a changeling myself (not the stick type, I'm the sick fairy baby type, my parents thought I was autistic for years before realizing I just had regular fair folk behavior) I found her attitude extremely frustrating.

Damn! she came to have a baby and she's leaving with a baby! Some could say it's even the same baby, I didn't see any difference. and it's not like they've known each other that long, hmm? the woman said she will not take the boy home. her husband got into a fight with the security guard. what do I do? Will they sue me???

Fortunately, reader, I don't think you're at any risk of legal action. At least, not you, directly. The parents might choose to take legal action against the hospital at which you work, but even then, their case is fairly thin.

There is some difficulty in explaining the details of the legal situation here. This is mainly because it relates to certain treaties and allegiances held between the British government and various other nations, commonwealths and domains, about which it can be very difficult to speak clearly.

And I mean that quite literally. Even as I write this, I can feel a sense of resistance from the very keys of my computer.

Not to trade in stereotypes, but members of those communities which practice infant substitution have historically tended to take up careers in law and politics, and often with great success. As such, they enjoy some of the most robust legal protections of any liminal group in the United Kingdom.

Infant substitution is an important cultural practice for these groups, and is fiercely protected. In short, I don't think you have much to worry about on the legal front.

Emotionally, I understand how seeing these parents reactions to their new child could be upsetting, especially given your own personal background. Unfortunately, many sapios still cling onto very outdated ideas around parenthood and family, and struggle to see a changeling child as their own.

I'm afraid there's not much you can do for this particular family. Instead, you might concentrate your efforts on broader liminal outreach work – volunteering at a cross-community event, for example, or donating to your favourite creature charity.

There is a chance these parents will come around, and accept the child as their own. If not, I am rather inclined to think he is better off without them. With any luck, he will find his way to a family who can accept him for the precious gift he is.

[For more creaturely advice, check out Monstrous Agonies on your podcast platform of choice, or visit monstrousproductions.org for more info]

[beautopia]

Emil and Charlene are both autistic but see their autism in VERY different ways.

Emil’s autism greatly affects his ability to learn and understand things allistic people would. It’s also half of the reason why his emotions are so unregulated (the other reasons being that he has BPD and PTSD) which leads to him making VERY bad decisions within his relationships. His speech isn’t affected all too much but he does talk differently around strangers compared to his friends, like he makes his voice sound more “proper” without even knowing it, but that could be less related to autism and more how his parents raised him. He has a special interest in dermatology, and if you knew Emil personally, you’d realize he can actually be VERY intelligent. A lot of people who begin to know Emil are often surprised to find out that, while music may be his chosen career path, he actually has a profound knowledge of skincare and skin conditions. He may like singing, he may be a trained singer, but that isn’t necessarily something he is passionate about, it’s just all that he thinks he can make money from. Unfortunately, like a lot of autistic people, the world isn’t cut out for people who learn and work the way he does. His lack of a high school diploma hindering his ability to branch out into what could truly be a great career path.

Charlene is a COMPLETELY different case. Emil has been diagnosed since childhood, whereas Charlene has never gotten an autism diagnosis. Honestly, her autism is only known by us (the viewers) and openly speculated by Emil and Cole. Charlene takes great offense to being called autistic and sees it as someone calling her dumb, which many people have done in the past. However, Charlene has “obvious” autistic traits that even some allistic characters in MyBeauty can point out. Her peculiar way of speaking and odd emotional reactions were the main ones. She gets noticeably upset at things that most people wouldn’t, like nearly crying her eyes out when Erin told her she uses tampons (😭) but being blank faced at her own brother’s funeral. Her use of censoring curse words, such as saying “honk” instead of “fuck” is probably the most obvious indicator that she’s a little “different” at the very least. She never elaborates on it, but it becomes evident by how she reacts to others cursing that she doesn’t like it and even finds it deeply upsetting. Like if you called Charlene a “bitch” she’d be deeply offended. She replaces it with her clown talk because she finds it hilarious, even if she’s not outwardly laughing. Her sense of humor is VERY odd; you must know Charlene for at least a year to understand it. Sometimes, she’ll scream bloody murder during a normal conversation and laugh hysterically even if everyone else is looking at her like she’s insane.

[leafcabbage]

OKOKOK

yes, each universe has their own tommy and tubbo and rip-anboo

in tommy’s universe (#1), he and tubbo were close before meeting ranboo but after meeting them, it was rare that any of them were seen apart. i picture his universe to be very picture-perfect, snappy colors and clean lines. all of his relationships are so seemingly perfect, but with tubbo and ranboo it really actually IS for once. there’s no arguements, no hangups. they are all as perfectly close as can be, like they’re pulled by gravity together to form this brightest star. tommy’s past is undeniably messy in a world where clean perfection is commonplace, and he finally feels complete with his trio.

after ranboo dies, both tommy and tubbo are crushed. it doesn’t take long for tommy to reveal his identity to tubbo, and while he’s accepted with tiredly open arms there’s little comfort in it. while they are still friends, undeniably close, he cant imagine his life ever being as perfect as it was for those six months that they knew ranboo, and tubbo knows it too.

in tubbo’s universe (#2), he and tommy were on and off friends that were eventually tied together by ranboo- they were the glue really holding the two of them together. tubbo’s world is a lot darker than tommy’s (#1)- muddy colors, consistent rain. ranboo was able to part the clouds for him and tommy, in a relationship where they loved him like the sun and each other like drinking buddies. it’s not that they weren’t close, but more that they were brought together by a common thread.

when ranboo died, tubbo almost instantly is ripped from tommy’s company. he takes this to mean that maybe they weren’t ever as close as he hoped, though really it was tommy’s way of coping. having lost the light of his life and the next closest moon, the city went without a spiderman for a year. he was devastated. eventually he returned to clean up the mess he had left but he never, ever got over it.

in ranboo’s (#3) universe, he doesn’t know tubbo or tommy well. they have a ‘say hi in the hallway’ kind of relationship; due to him never having to be saved by spiderman, they dont have much reason to talk. ranboo’s universe is softly bright, like there’s consistent dappled light with a little bit of haze. he would like to get to know either of them better but views them as almost too good for him.

he has lost both of his parents in the same accident as the books- unrelated to any supervillains, just an unfortunate circumstance. he still experiences seizures, which was what he attributed his spidey-senses too for over a year. out of fear that his health was getting worse, he began to isolate himself more and more where he eventually noticed the other changes that had come about at similar times and eventually became spider-pog. he does not believe that he can truly save anyone as he is, even with radioactive powers, which is a large contributer to his under-appearence as spider-pog. for the most part before meeting tommy (1) and tubbo (2), he dealt with civil disputes in cases where the police may have overlooked the situations due to lack of violence. he wasn’t un-helpful, but he did save most of the crime-fighting for those he thought were more suited for it.

none of the boys have met their alternate universe counterparts. in the case of tommy’s world, the boys are scared tubbo (1) would put pieces together about an alternate ranboo. in tubbo’s world, he has not made up with tommy (1) and does not feel the need to reconnect with him (just yet?)

im. so. autistic. about. this. i am VIBRATING im LOSING IT oh my GOD okay okay okay

first of all. im now imagining ranboo having spidey sense go off and them being like "oh god is this a new aura thing. am i gonna have a seizure" and when they dont theyre like "oh was that a new kind of seizure? i should tell a doctor" and then they dont tell a doctor. ever.

seconds of all. LOVE the descriptions of how each of their universes look. like i LOVE that so much its so perfect holy shit. i can imagine it so vividly. i especially love what you chose for ranboo !!!!

universe 1's relationship between tommy and tubbo is making me CRAZY btw. losing ranboo... having each other but its not the same... and comparing that to tubbo losing tommy after ranboo dies in universe 2... god i love the comparisons of how grief hits them... how sometimes it does tear people apart. like obviously they had a different relationship from the start, but still.

oh this is just making me think like... when ranboo finds out about tommy and tubbo's ranboos, and about what happened, i think they would just be so sure that all they are is a chance for tommy and tubbo to do things right. theyre a do-over, something to alleviate some guilt, its not about them as an individual, its about them being a ranboo. i guess im assuming here that tommy and tubbo would Not tell ranboo about the versions of them that died. but i can totally imagine ranboo asking why they cant see tommy and tubbos universes, and the boys are especially adamant about ranboo not seeing tommy's just in case they happened to meet universe 1's tubbo... that would be Bad

but yeah i think if ranboo found out about other ranboos, they wouldnt want to even see tommy and tubbo anymore, at least for a while. they thought they finally had people who cared about them for who they are but no. no they were just there to make the two feel better about themselves.

[blandandtasteless]

Where am I?

User is verified by real mythical vaccinated patriots anarchists. It only took an embarrassing amount of time but I understand how this hellsite works now

I don’t wanna make a whole “Fun Facts about me” section. Fuck you here it goes: I am a girl (patent pending), very autistic, and I have no connections to material plane outside of the friends that no longer live where I live, and thus live in the phone, like you. And my parents were hand picked by lucifer for a sin I must’ve committed in a past life, that’s the only explanation (help). And therefore there are no breathing human beings that I have any connections with and it is eating me alive. So if I fail my exams (the ones that conclude in about 2 weeks) and I don’t get to go to university in a different city, and I’m stuck at home for the foreseeable future. Yes, I will kill myself, or run, or do a miscellaneous bad thing. Things are not okey dokey, I am not groovy, this is me screaming into the void. Buenas noches. But It’s all going to be okay, I got accepted before results day based off my predicted grades. I lived…

You can just ask too, and I’d be happy to share them with you. If you want an idea about who I am, I suppose you could just scroll through my blog. I post anything I want to, at all times, even if sometimes it seems esoteric, horny, and/or nonsensical.

please feel free to ask, or say, anything at all to me. I love talking to you (yes especially YOU. However, trust me, I am more scared of you than you are of me.) ( ＾◡＾)っ ♡

My pronouns are anything other than he/him and whacky workarounds like dude, fella, bud, and bossman She/her and They/them

Unfortunately I live on bigot island 👑💷🇬🇧, which means I can’t move to a state with better people or healthcare.

Aces, Systems, Trans, Non-Binary, and queers (<-Thats literally everyone else by the way who isn’t Cis and Heterosexual) I don’t understand,

I love you all, and there’s more familiar with us than different.

Cis heterosexuals will be kept under close supervision and given hugs. Just in case you need it.

Things I like, and occasionally obsess over on my own, you could mention any part at all of any of of these things and you would have my immediate attention. I’ll listen patiently and we can bonk heads together like cats to share information. In no particular order:

Currently trapped in the dungeon meshi and I’m not good at reading manga online or at all so I’m as up the date as the anime and seriously… 25 minute a week is not cutting it, I’m scratching at my neck every Wednesday evening for my fix of dungeon meshi

Adventure Time

Bloodborne

Dark Souls - I never loved anything before I found Dark Souls

The Owl House - Stopped me from Killing myself

Doctor Who - Chris Chibnall is my archenemy

Archaeology - I love ancient ancient history

Inside Job - I feel like and love Reagan Ridley so much

Blue Eye Samurai - she’s so self-destructive and covered in blood(lust)

Uhhhhhhhh there’s like 10 more but I’m not thinking about that at the moment

[solrika]

Vent post.

Id put it behind a cut but I’m on mobile :/ also this is very ramble and not at all coherent but oh well.

I always have a bit of an issue with posts like this that are like “your trauma and how you react to it doesn’t make you a bad person” because. Uh. Cycles of abuse are a thing, you can absolutely do bad things out of trauma responses. You can absolutely be a shitty, hurtful person from a place of pain. (Staring at the entire state of Israel and its treatment of Palestine). Especially in the context of that post, which specifically mentions anger issues and addiction.

I’m not replying or reblogging said post because I truly don’t think that’s what op was going for, the greater point was “autism isn’t just sunshine and roses but can create real issues for people,” it’s just… an accidental unfortunate implication. But it’s late and I’m dealing with my own neuroatyoical issues flaring up atm so. Yelling about implications and the need for nuance and space for caretaker burnout on my own blog. Probably dealing with some buried trauma of my own.

(Also the USA healthcare system sucks for people who can’t easily take care of themselves, I dunno what it’s like outside the country but in here you need SO Much Money just to get barely adequate care for TBIs or Alzheimer’s or shit. )

There’s a little byplay in the notes that I think is important—someone says “I don’t have autism but I got secondhand trauma because my sibling does,” someone else responds “fuck you, of course allistic is making it all about them self” and a third person goes “hey it’s very common for the siblings of disabled people to be neglected in favor of the ‘squeaky wheel,’ I know it hurts to hear but disability hurts more than just the disabled person.” That plus some of the notes describing damage that autistic people have done (and largely regretted) to others… Disabled people can cause harm. That’s a thing!!! Being disabled does not make you blameless! Cool motive still murder!

And your disability can absolutely cause secondhand harm even if you don’t mean it to! My little sister no longer feels like the smaller sibling because my parents spend more emotional energy on me—and that’s a mild case, my disability only really began being an issue when we were both in college. It’s nothing compared to her friend, whose adult brother suffered a TBI and can’t live at home because it’s not safe to have a huge man around who can’t regulate his strength when he’s upset. It’s not at all his fault that he’s like this, but it’s a horrible situation and ALL involved should be able to say that it’s horrible.

I have done shitty things because of trauma responses, and I have worked really hard to create strategies to keep those shitty behaviors from happening again. I give myself—and others—a bit of a pass when a situation is truly uncontrollable. Or when someone is actively trying to ignore boundaries I’ve set to protect myself, but… that’s not the same as going “I have anger issues. Huh. Oh well! I will continue having destructive trauma responses and do nothing to mitigate it!”

I dunno. I’m sure some of this strong reaction of mine comes from being lashed out at by people in the midst of their own meltdowns, even though those have been more TBI related than autism related. Still. The meltdown was unavoidable but the ways they acted during were… hm. Not great.

At least stay away from vulnerable entities when you’re like this. My partner removes himself from the dog when he’s having a meltdown because the dog can provoke him into physically lashing out. (The dog has no idea, of course. The dog is very stupid and only barely understands what me crying means. ) He can’t control the meltdown happening but he can step away from things he could hurt. I really wish the people who hurt me had stepped away from the child I was.

I wish I’d gotten an apology, too. Like at least apologize for your shitty behavior, please!

(This whole “writing my own separate post and not tagging op” is one of those “hm. Am having Emotion. How to express it without causing pain to others” things I’ve tried to cultivate.)

If you don’t fucking MANAGE damage to others, others won’t want to be around you. If you hurt someone they are absolutely within their rights to set boundaries to protect themselves.

I dunno. I started at point A and I’m not sure where I went from there. Don’t be a dick I guess.

[myshredda]

It was negative nine degrees today where I live and my mom still pulled us out to an outdoor ice rink for a couple hours. Bc when she buys tickets, we’re using the tickets, damn it! But I figured duck would be like that too lol He spent money on it so it would be a waste not to go!

All the little ones get bundled up. I’m talking two pairs of socks, five pairs of pants, two sweaters, coat, boots, scarf, two pairs of gloves and two hats until duck even thinks of letting them out. Red says this seems like a lot of work for smth that will probably make everyone miserable but duck just screams that they’re going lol

They get there and it’s chaos lol No one knows how to skate except duck so they’re all just conga lining behind him. Eventually he gets fed up w their falling and wobbling, throwing him off balance, so they rent a bunch of those little walker-like things that the kids can hold onto as they skate around. Unfortunately they don’t have one in reds size so he’s basically stuck to the wall the whole time lol

Green and pink pick it up pretty easily after that and leave the walkers behind. They still fall a lot but are able to follow after duck like little ducklings lol Yellow keeps calling after them “wait up, I’m coming!” but even w the support, he’s falling every two seconds. Duck screams at red “eugh, get off the wall and go help your son!”

Once he manages to drag himself over to yellow, red sees a lot of other parents pushing their kids while they just hold onto the walkers. He tries that but he’s bent over so much and is already terrible at skating, it just makes both of them fall more. But at least yellow isn’t so upset now… bc he’s too busy laughing at red failing miserably at standing up again lol

In the end they get hot chocolate and freshly baked doughnuts and as soon as they get home, everybody crashes lol Just falls asleep on the couch

(Also merry Christmas)

I answered this late but merry christmas!!!!!

LOVE them going on fun family outings and being chaotic in public together, it's so fun to imagine them being menaces but as a loving clump 💗

Duck demanding that they go to the Ice Rink because he already spent money on it reminds me all the world of Lois from Malcolm in the Middle making them all go to the zoo because she had a coupon for it, which again links into my 'Red and Duck are a weird mix of Hal and Lois/Bob and Linda hfeheh) All of the kids probably have varying levels of discomfort with restrictive clothes (bc children + autistic) and they're like "WELL RED DOESN'T HAVE TO WEAR CLOTHES" which results in Duck forcing Red to wear his scarf and jacket and mittens for once (which he grouchily accepts) and ends in him screeching that "EVERYONE IS WEARING CLOTHES AND THATS FINAL" the usual family trip shit lmao

THE IMAGERY OF THEM FOLLOWING DUCK LIKE DUCKLINGS HAS ME SCREAMING AND CRYINGGGGG (with Red bringing up the back of course) and I think Pink and Green would definitely pick up on it pretty quick and start dashing around and trying to race each other. Red's a hopeless case, and Yellow's absolute lack of balance on solid ground would render him USELESS on the ice for real.

Yellow trying to keep up and failing oh NO my baby 🥺🥺🥺 Him and Red being terrible together and Red's back giving out when bending over and scooting Yellow along the ice is so real. SO REAL. Duck eventually comes by and takes a turn with Yellow so Red can stand up straight and he just grips the wall and rethinks his entire life while the other patrons give him a wide berth because he's making this face

and Duck finally gets the memo and gathers the kids to go get cocoa and donuts and they're all having a WONDERFUL time and Red's FEET HURT and his BACK HURTS and he's DAMP and COLD and Duck holds his hand on the way home and his brain short circuits and he's suddenly had the best day of his entire life and they all just collapse on the suddenly appearing couch (which is larger now thank you attic milf) and in the morning they have to do laundry and shower because they're all RANK 💖💖💖💖💖

[eimearkuopio]

My life to date has been full of bizarre and unusual coincidences. Now, I know all about pareidolia, and people have always dismissed my particular brand of spotting issues as a form of that. And it is a form of that! But that doesn't make me wrong, because they think I'm saying "that cloud looks like a rabbit... that blob looks like a face... THE CLOUD IS A RABBIT! THE BLOB IS A FACE! I SEE THE OBJECTIVE NATURE OF REALITY! BEHOLD MY GLORY!"

And what I'm actually saying is, "Hey, folks, I'm not sure if anyone else has spotted this, but... These ants are marching in a pattern that seems to spell my name. I know, that's really weird, doesn't make sense. Few questions: most obvious one, can you lot see the ants too? You can? Is there... Maybe... A load of honey spilled on the floor is the shape of my name? Is someone playing an incredibly unethical prank on me? Have we checked with the kids running the ant farm experiment that they insist is properly contained and also that they are infallibly certain that they are the only people in the world with real ants because their ants look slightly different to all the other ants and only their ants care enough to spell people's names but only ever spell theirs? Yes, I know other kids have ant farms, but my roommate was on their board at one point and she insisted on bringing a mini ant farm INTO THE DORM ROOM in spite of my complaints and I'm not saying these are definitely her ants or that they definitely escaped from that ant farm but if you look at the markings they definitely LOOK like those ants! Of course they're going to deny it, part of the reason they get to run the ant farm club is that they're meant to know how to corral the fucking ants. Yes, I know I look crazy, because I roomed with someone who kept insisting that her ants would spell the name of anyone they liked enough, and that the ants definitely liked everyone enough that they COULD spell their names but also that they would only ever spell their names in secret silent ways that no one would really see, and now, THERE ARE FUCKING ANTS SPELLING MY NAME AND THE ANT FARM CLUB WANTS TO WASH THEIR HANDS OF IT IN CASE THIS HAS BEEN THE TIPPING POINT THAT DRIVES ME OVER THE EDGE AFTER HAVING HAD TO ROOM WITH AUTISTIC ANT FARM KID MY WHOLE FUCKING LIFE, AND THE MENTAL HEALTH PEOPLE ARE TELLING ME THAT THEY CAN SEE THE ANTS TOO BUT UNFORTUNATELY THEY CAN'T HELP WITH THE ANTS, THEY CAN ONLY HELP WITH THE IMPACT THE ANTS ARE HAVING ON ME, AND STUPID AUTISTIC ANT FARM KID IS DEAD SO I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF THESE ARE HER FUCKING ANTS AND IT FEELS WRONG TO JUST HOOVER THEM UP EVEN THOUGH, AND I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH, I REALLY REALLY HATE FLYING ANTS MORE THAN ALMOST ANYTHING IN THE WHOLE WORLD AND WHILE I'M TRYING NOT TO HOLD THAT AGAINST THESE NON-FLYING ANTS IT IS EXTREMELY DISTRESSING THAT NOBODY IS WILLING TO HELP ME AND THAT I'M GETTING ENTIRELY TOO CLOSE TO JUST SCREAMING AND PUTTING DOWN ANT POISON OR HOOVERING THEM UP BUT MY ROOMIE SPENT HER WHOLE FUCKING LIFE TELLING ME HOW IMPORTANT AND SPECIAL AND ENDANGERED HER ANTS ARE AND I'LL BE HONEST TO ME THEY JUST LOOK LIKE FUCKING ANTS BUT IF THEY'RE SPELLING MY NAME IT FEELS LIKE I SHOULD TRY TO HELP THEM, COULD THE FUCKING ANT SOCIETY PLEASE RESPOND TO LITERALLY ANY OF MY REQUESTS FOR SUPPORT IN DEALING WITH THIS ANT INFESTATION ETHICALLY, THE MENTAL HEALTH PEOPLE ARE WILLING TO HELP ME HOOVER THEM UP AND IF YOU KEEP IGNORING ME I PROBABLY WILL BUT I GENUINELY THINK THESE ANTS MIGHT FUCKING MATTER AND EVEN IF I'M WRONG THE FUCKING ANT CLUB SHOULD AT LEAST BE WILLING TO COME AND TAKE A FUCKING LOOK AT THEM.

My parents have lived through enough ant infestations and been told their reward would be great in Heaven. My husband hates ants and is only avoiding getting the hoover out because he loves me and these ones keep spelling my name and I've asked him to give them a chance and promised I won't let them near him. He learned to love bees for me. I'm not going to ask him to do the same for ants. My brother thinks that ants either don't exist or do more harm than good, and I kind of agree with him but the point of my recently deceased roommate's ant farm was to try to change that, so if the ants have chosen me to care for them, I'll do what I can; but I will not let them harm my loved ones, and I want help from the fucking ant society. It's frankly the least they could do after all my family has been through: help me look after your stupid fucking ants that I never wanted in the first place, and that have somehow learned my name so I can't even ignore them.

[cranialgames]

Found myself needing something like a diary last night to help work through some feelings that are resurfacing now that Tom is gonna be 1 next week

And then I remembered I’ve got this blog, so…

I don’t know how much to write and how much to leave out. I guess writing more detail will help with the processing, but it’s gonna be difficult to recall a lot of the stuff that happened.

For context, Tom and I were admitted to a mother and baby unit (a psychiatric ward for the birthing parent and baby) when he was 13 days old because by that point I was so terrified of him I couldn’t stand to be in the house. I vividly remember hating my partner because if he had been the one to need inpatient care, he wouldn’t have had to take the baby with him too. That kind of thing. It dug up a lot of old issues for me like SH and suicide ideation, and the nights were exceptionally hard. To give some idea of how serious it was: Wales has a population over 3 million, and the single MBU here (which opened in 2021) only has six beds. After I was admitted, the sixth room was still unoccupied.

I was told that in the MBU I’d be given space to recover in my own time while Tom and I were looked after. In retrospect, the only real relief I had at was that the staff looked after the baby during the night.

The unit, and by extension the staff, had apparently had at least one autistic patient before me. The local health board autism service also had an office or clinic or something in the same building as the MBU, so I hoped this meant they would know how to look after me or manage me or whatever you want to call it but unfortunately it really was not the case. I remember struggling to speak on more than one occasion and being treated by staff as if I was being spiteful or that I was doing it from choice, to give some idea. In the end I was the one who came up with a system to help the staff understand what mental state I was in if I couldn’t speak, which also gave me a way to ask for help which wasn’t as stressful as pressing the Call Nurse buttons in my room. The times they had bothered to take notice of it, it was really helpful. Largely though, for whatever reason, it went ignored.

The most difficult event is still like, white hot in my head. Just starting to recall bits of it made my whole body tense up. You know when you just know something doesn’t want to be disturbed? It feels like that still.

Anyway. After six weeks of me really really trying, and many relapses that could have been helped if staff cared enough or were willing to learn about an autistic patient, I had improved a little bit but still couldn’t look after Tom at night. My medication was too strong, and even though I was being told the dosages would come down it just didn’t happen. I couldn’t concentrate on anything that wasn’t Tom; the most I managed to do to distract myself was kind of obsessively play picross on my switch. I was having constant quiet meltdowns, huge mood swings, and I was incredibly overstimulated. The consultant in charge said that they’d set a date for my discharge to be 4 weeks away. To say I spiralled out massively is an understatement, but after a day or two I managed to regroup and decided to just try really fucking hard and hope I was actually ready to go home in 4 weeks.

Except they changed their minds, and decided to transfer me immediately to an acute mental health ward instead. I was given absolutely no warning, and neither was my partner (who now suddenly had to bring Tom home and look after him by myself, when 3/4s of Tom’s life had been spent on the MBU and my partner had never had him alone before). I just had to pack my stuff and be driven away.

For those who haven’t had the privilege, an acute ward isn’t exactly One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest but it’s not exactly unlike it either. It did actually end up being better for me, but that’s just because i was able to visit home for a few hours during the day and also be completely by myself if i chose to for the rest of the time. Being suddenly transferred out of the MBU like that was horrific though, enough that i still struggle with it.

The thing is, for the better part of a year, I’ve had some kind of plausible deniability. I’ve been thinking that if I’d done xyz differently then I could have stayed there, and I’ve been having my standard “they all hated you” feelings but I’d been brushing them off with some kind of faith that I was catastrophising what had happened.

Except they hadn’t treated anyone else like how I was treated. My own community psych nurse openly agreed that they’d failed me, and I still thought it was my fault. There was another patient in with me with similar symptoms, and because her CPN had warning that they intended to discharge her when she was still severely unwell, they was able to raise enough hell in time for her to be allowed to stay. She got better with their support and intensive therapy; I was sent to a place that felt like prison, with four or five times as many other patients and so many staff I didn’t know anyone’s names, where they just medicate you until you’re stable enough to leave. I was there four around 4 weeks until I felt backed into a corner enough to just suddenly ask to be discharged because I couldn’t stand it anymore, and if I was going to be depressed and suicidal with nobody doing anything to help then I might as well be at home. That was around the beginning of May iirc. Everything since then has been so incredibly hard, but at least I’m still at home.

Something that really knocked me on my arse was at the start of December, one of the staff at the MBU had a Christmas party and invited past patients, including a mum who had only been at the unit 2 weeks and argued with them the whole time.

I wasn’t invited.

I wouldn’t have been able to go if I was, but by not being invited, it like validates all the shitty self-critical things I’ve thought about myself since then. It reinforces my belief that it was my fault they didn’t help. I’ve never had any real answers as to why I was kicked out like that, and I don’t think I ever will. I’m friends with the mums I was in there with and to see them all singing the MBU’s praises and treat the staff like family is so fucking hard because why could they be helped and not me? Why did I have to go through what happened when everyone else’s experiences were so different? What was it that I did that was so bad that they just got rid of me as fast as they could without any care about what happened to Tom?

And yeah, that’s what I’m struggling with right now. It hit me last night that this coming week will be exciting (Tom’s first birthday) but because of the way he came into the world it might also retraumatise me. It’s like I’ve been going along since then with blinders, and occasionally I stop and think and I get a glimpse of everything that has happened so far and everything we have yet to come and I get so overwhelmed, and it feels like that now.

[diaperalex]

Why do you keep ending up in the hospital? Hope you’re okay 😊🥰. Does the nursing staff comment on you needing to be diapered/change your diapers?

I have seizures that sometimes needs medical attention fast. My epilepsy is under control with better medication today, but they can still happen in certain situations.

I have had a severe head trauma in 2005 where I got very lucky to survive. But it messed up several things in my body like my immune system, neck problems, migraines, and lymphatic malfunction among nervous system failures.

No doctor knows precisely WHAT might be the cause of myalgic encephalomyelitis (known as chronic fatigue syndrome) in my case. It could be the result of the general anxiety disorder that keeps my body overwhelmed and overstimulated (autism). It could be the head trauma. It could be epstein-barr virus, or that streptococcus infection I had several years before ME/CFS started.

Today, hospitals are part of my time every week with many followups for multiple conditions: epilepsy, autism, urinary infections, digestive problems, abnormalities in blood tests, high blood pressure, heart problems that often makes arythmia, followup of a congenital birth defect in my left lung that might cause eventual problems, and very bad blood circulation that is causing me to develop blood clots (especially in the right leg with quite big varicose veins that I try to hide in my pictures since 2017).

That’s why I end up so often in hospitals and in physical therapy and kinesitherapy. I guess I am lucky to be alive, but at the price of big health challenges all the time. I try to stay strong, but I often needs a bit of help.🙈🏥

I forgot to answer the diaper part in hospitals with nurses and doctors. 🙈

The nurses are much more used than we think, ppls of every age wearing diapers. They are used to see me in diapers because I have always been wearing them. The funny part for me is that I don’t care about using the word diaper without any discretion in public while they are trained to be respectful and discreet, avoiding to say diapers, but call them protective underwear or undies.

It’s unfortunate that most, if not all the hospitals are stuck with Tena, which aren’t terrible in North America. Too thin, too cheap, leaks all the time, and generates a lot more work for the nurses because they have to change the diapers more often, and often need to change the bed liner, and the bedsheets when the bed liner was not placed properly or failed, and the gown too!

That’s the other fun part. I can’t remember how many times the nurses and even doctors were amazed by the quality of my diapers. Some say nothing. Some ask me how they work (M4/L4, MegaMax and Tykables are 3 different types for example). Some nurses asked me where I got these amazing “diapers”. I don’t talk much, but they got my attention and I feel like I became a diaper expert after all these years. I see how they are exploring them. I see they are mostly impressed compared to Tena. At least 2 doctors, 3 nurses and 2 specialists took notes because they said: “my son is like you and he’s autistic. He will like the cool prints!”, “I know someone who could be interested.”, “I’ll take a look!” , “I will talk about it to the administration.” , “I visit patients at their home too, and this is a great product!”.

Believe me, this is not a fantasy, it’s what I witnessed myself, even in front of my parents and my bf. I was not humiliated at all because diapers are normal for me at the same time I like them. When I was younger, the Pampers and Attends Youth were normal and known. The things changed when I was put in M4, and than, eventually wearing new cool good ones that keeps popping on the market periodically.

The only humiliation for me is when I ended up diapered in a Tena for the rare times I ran out of diaper supply and by the time someone brings me some more from home. My obsession for doing the tapes perfectly aligned (like my mom always did) was a problem when nurses did diaper me. They all did their job perfectly well! But most of the time, I reposition the tapes once they are gone.🙈

I never been asked by any nurse WHY I wear diapers. It happened in hospitals where doctors don’t know me at all, or they don’t have my medical files from my local hospital. When they ask, I simply tell “because I am incontinent.” Sometimes, there were no question number two. If they ask why I am incontinent, than I give a basic answer: “because I have several medical conditions.” Like what? Surprisingly, no doctors ever gone that far in their questions.

So, that’s pretty much my story about diapers vs nurses. One question I have in mind that I never really asked anyone before. I know my own story, but I’d like to hear from others. Yes, I am systematically being changed by nurses, unless I tell them I will be fine to do it myself. If I am having an appointment only, nobody changes my diapers if I need it because I can do it, I am not on a stretcher or a hospital bed, which is totally fine. Is this because I have autism and chronic fatigue syndrome? Or is it the same for everyone else?

Thanks for taking time to read another part of my story. Hoping to have friends sharing their own experiences in hospital in diapers.

[doctorbunny]

MILGRAM theory time: Haruka!

This isn't going to go super in depth (famous last words) but there's a few heavily debated parts of Haruka's MV I want to share my findings/thoughts on because I think this is my new special interest and during my quest to get best boy's song to 1 million views I have been looking over his first MV with a fine tooth comb so to speak.

Disclaimer: As the Jackalope said in the "This is the MILGRAM" trailer, we don't necessarily know everyone's crime from just the first video, its possible that a lot of things will be re-contextualized in the second MV, however I am not psychic or bilingual and thus will only be working with content released before August 20th 2021 and translated into English (which could cause some language/cultural details to be lost on me as translation is not a 1 to 1 process).

TW for discussions of ableism, child abuse, murder and animal death. Also this is really long so sorry to all the people that follow me for non-MILGRAM stuff

Firstly, I want to start on the topic of Haruka as a person. He is disabled. He does not have 'the mind of a child' (although he is 17, making him legally a minor in both North America and Japan). He is not just 'child-like'. And he is not mentally ill (well he might be, in the sense that many disabilities like Haruka's have strong comorbidities [where a person has two or more conditions but neither directly causes the other] with anxiety, depression and PTSD, but usually when I see people talk about him 'struggling with mental illness' they go on to refer to aspects of his disability). Sometimes on tumblr, people like myself, will see canonical traits written into a character and identify them as being traits associated with our disabilities/mental illness and headcanon them as such. Sometimes this even involves saying things like "It's basically canon!" Although we understand that these characters were probably not the result of a writer intending to write a disabled person. When I say that Haruka is being written as a person with a neurodevelopmental disability, I mean the writer intended to write a disabled character and wrote them in a way that they wanted the audience to pick up on. As an autistic person (which is one of many neurodevelopmental disorders and also something I probably didn't have to specify because who else would be writing an essay about a series they got into a few days ago at 11 o'clock at night) I really like how Haruka has been written so far. There's definitely some parts of him that have been exaggerated so abled normies can pick up on his disability (namely how his MV 's main motif is really child-like drawings) but the writers also included a lot of smaller details I appreciate like how it is noted he avoids eye contact when talking to other people and is depicted as nervously pulling at his sleeves in official artwork, or how he says he finds his prison uniform (which has tight straps) 'relaxing' and when he gets nervous/tense, he will dig his fingernails into the palm of his hands. (These last two potential being examples of 'self stimulation' [aka stimming] where a person seeks out specific sensory stimuli in order to help regulate their nervous system/emotions, in this case the tight uniform creates a comforting, secure feeling [you may have heard about some people preferring to sleep under weighted blankets for this reason] and digging nails into his palms sounds uncomfortable/painful but is done in an attempt to deal with a greater sensory discomfort caused by the situation/environment) I also appreciate the depth he is written with, he struggles to communicate verbally but in his MV and interactions with other inmates is shown to have insecurities, opinions and a consistent thought process (this is all basic character stuff but unfortunately not always present in disabled characters)

Also I want to add that (in terms of what we've been shown so far) Haruka did not kill anyone because of his disability/mental illness. Disabled people are not inherently more innocent than abled people. But there is no disability/mental illness where a symptom is that you kill people and real people have to live with the stigma when you speak carelessly and suggest things like "Haruka is the kind of mentally ill person who kills people as a cry for help" 🧂 (or at the very least real people have to read BS like that and cringe). TL;DR Haruka is less child-like and more onion-like (as in, he has layers) 🧅🧅🧅

Now is the actual theory stuff, oops:

Every prisoner in MILGRAM is supposed to have committed murder in some way, obviously considering Yuno just had an abortion (which i personally do not consider an act of murder) whilst Mu literally stabbed someone to death, this definition is stretched a bit. But it is not agreed upon yet who Haruka killed/how many people he killed or why he killed.

In his MV he is shown to have chased after his dog into a forest, seen something off-screen, then beaten something into a messy pulp with a rock. Some people think the dog is a red herring and that Haruka actually killed his mother/the girl from the fireworks show/his brother. I do not agree.

First: I believe Haruka when he says he doesn't have a brother. The MV literally starts by Haruka looking in the mirror and then switching between the him now

and a really similar looking younger child who just so happened to be a key feature of his memories (I don't have the vocabulary to explain it but its like cinematic parallels that establish this is the same person at different points of their life)

Its not impossible that this is Haruka's secret younger brother, but i think its unlikely. I saw someone saying they had to be different people because Haruka looks less happy than the child but like, most 17 year olds are less visibly happy than when they were 7 (or however old the child is meant to be). Life happens.

So when Haruka is shown pushing the child around and eventually strangling him, this isn't meant to be literal (homicide or suicide), but a representation of how conflicted Haruka feels about his younger self, who may have committed the murder (if you've ever been kept awake cringing at memories of something you said in the past and wishing you could go slap some sense into your former self, this is like that but 10 times more self loathing). The lyric "I am always repeating yesterday," implies he might think about this specific past event a lot.

Moving on, its pretty well accepted that Haruka's parents were abusive in some way and Haruka internalised a lot of it: he constantly apologises, he says in his interrogation questions that his one wish come true is that "[he] want[s] to be loved" and describes in his MV how when he couldn't find the words he was looking for ("you're unfair") one of his parents "would get angry at me and say “You’re hopeless.”". He seems to know its unfair but also still says he 'loves' his family, possibly mistakenly believing it is his fault, but also showing an awareness of his situation (and how his parents might behave).

Now, the MV is stylised in a way that makes certain details unclear, but there is one clear detail showing that Haruka's dog was killed

This is the first close up of Haruka and the dog. Haruka's mother is just out of frame supervising, but they look pretty happy. Notice how the puppy has a silvery chain for a collar. Somehow, this dog gets out of the house but only Haruka is shown chasing after it (whether his mother was searching elsewhere or didn't bother following her disabled son into the forest is unclear). Either way, young Haruka is now in the forest, unsupervised.

By the time he finds the dog, there is already blood, suggesting it was initally attacked by something else.

is this a sigh of relief from a boy whose finally found his beloved pet or a jealous weakling glad that nature took its course and he is finally free of that meddling mutt stealing all his mummy's attention? /j

I think this shock at the discovery that 'there is blood on his hands' could imply that rather than literally getting the blood from his dog, Haruka has seen his already injured dog and realises that if the dog got out because of him (he is previously shown to be aware his parents seem to blame him for everything) then he is the reason his dog is injured/dying and will be blamed for it. (this scene plays over the lyrics "It’s fine, though it’s really not It’s really fine, though I don’t really think so When I tried to understand it, You’ll make that disappointed face again" suggesting he is trying to avoid making his parents disappointed and letting the family pet escape into danger is something that could make them very disappointed)

now we get into rock murder (this is present-day Haruka implying that this is either: not how the scene really played out; the writers really wanting the audience to know that this was Haruka's doing and not someone else's; or this turns into a separate incident that happened much later [although note that the red sky and blue moon is the same as when young Haruka first appears at the start])

b the corpse is beyond mangled now, but its clearly the dog because the silver chain collar is still there, to the right of the body. (circled in red for your convenience :3)

My hypothesis is: Haruka didn't set out to kill his dog, but upon finding it injured (we don't know the severity aside from bleeding and also it not being able to run away from Haruka kneeling down above it w/ a big rock so it could range from treatable with a lot of vet help to already on death's door, TBH I don't think Haruka would know the difference) He knew he'd be blamed for this; made into a villain who let the poor puppy come to harm. He panicked and killed the dog out of some idea that it would make him the victim here (since he'd be found crying over a dog corpse, which might make a parent go comfort him rather than getting angry about what could've happened to the dog). This is over the lyrics: "I cried, I screamed I wanted to be a pitied and loved weakling I was in denial, I was in denial I just had to make sure I’ve become a victim, I’ve become a victim" (there's another theory that he was also jealous of the dog, which could work here too, since this is not some calculated plot; rather its a rash decision) This ties in with his Japanese song title (translated as Weakness) which is a play on a phrase sort of like "The strong eat, the weak do not" to become "The weak are eaten by society" or "The weak eat each other to survive" [once again I am reminding everyone this is based on second hand information from the youtube comments section (from users mitchki and Alphaistic) because I do not speak Japanese] This second meaning (The weak eat each other to survive) makes sense under the reading that Haruka killed his dog in order to 'survive' making his parents disappointed for the dog escaping.

Miscellaneous points:

We don't know where Haruka's necklace came from yet, it must be a gift since the most expensive thing he's ever bought was cotton candy. The younger child in the video isn't wearing it and neither is his mother or the girl in the purple dress.

Haruka's home seems quite big, at the start we can see a large flower garden outside the window and there's a forest in walking distance. This might suggest his family is quite wealthy

Haruka probably did go to school at some point as homeschooling is not a legally accepted as an alternative to public schools in Japan. (However it is estimated that up to 5000 families homeschool, this is uncommon) A lot (about 62%) of Japanese schools apparently have a 'special needs' classes and there are about 505 schools focused on educating intellectually disabled students (although I do not know which sort Haruka would've needed as whilst intellectual and development disabilities can be comorbid they aren't the same). Now, if children aged 7-14 don't go to school, their parents receive a fine, but its possible that if Haruka's parents are wealthy, they just paid it to avoid sending him to school. (This might imply they wanted to hide him or were generally ashamed of him in some way) However high school education (for students over 14) is not legally required and its likely that even if Haruka went to elementary/middle school, he hasn't been around people his own age in at least 3 years. As he seems quite lonely and glad that the other prisoners give him attention.

I don't think Haruka's parents are divorced and if they are, its not his father who left. Haruka mentions in the 30 questions that he thinks he disappointed his father. But still includes him as part of his family ("My father and mother and me"). A theory I've seen is that his father was disappointed by his son being disabled and left. but developmental disabilities (especially in non verbal and semi verbal children like Haruka) can be diagnosed before the age of 3, so I feel it is unlikely that Haruka would bring up his father if he left that early in Haruka's life

All MILGRAM prisoners have covered one of DECO*27's older vocaloid songs (DECO*27 is a well known producer who composes the music for MILGRAM) Haruka covered 'Two Breaths Walking' (https://youtu.be/puXLfVWrz2Q) which is about a boy's first relationship and how his mother's jealousy set him up for failure as the relationship becomes toxic (specifically it has some very funny out of context lines like "Whose breasts are you sucking on now?") so yeah, mommy issues: the song (Also: some people say in the song, the boy kills the girl at the end, but this isn't literal, TBW is the first of a trilogy of songs about the same relationship, it is followed by Android girl then Two Breaths Walking: Reloaded and the story resolves with the couple reuniting as adults and getting in the relationship again, although its not necessarily as abusive as before, its still implied to be codependant ending on the line 'We should live like oxygen tanks, sucking breathe from the words each of us exhale, until our last breathe')

In all seriousness, the scene where younger Haruka is walking through the city with his mother but it keeps repeating until older Haruka pulls the younger one away might indicate an attempt to focus the happier memories of his parents (since this is also over the lyrics "Why is it breaking? Tell me why? Please don’t change If I tried and couldn’t say it, You would get angry at me and say “You’re hopeless.”" which depict a worse scene) I think both his parents are still physically present but have become far more emotionally distant, not giving him as much attention, which exacerbates his loneliness from not having any friends his own age to talk to

And if one of his parents did leave? I think its likely his mother since she is shown disappearing out of his reach after the dog-incident (inferring she got angry/disappointed in Haruka anyway) This could also be where he got his necklace from: Its something his mother used to wear (although this is 100% a guess) and that's why its shown to be important to him

This one is just me, but i didn't realise until a rewatch that when Haruka is watching the younger him and the girl running together, the background has fireworks. Haruka mentions fireworks being a key memory to him so I wonder if this was one of the first/last times he got to make a friend...

On three separate occasions in the interrogation, Haruka mentions not liking animals. Despite this, he is depicted as sleeping with a rabbit plush and on his birthday art (I'd include that too but tumblr only allows 10 pictures per post, so here's a link) he is standing next to a giant blueberry and strawberry cake with two bunny themed biscuits at the side. Through my experiences of seeing Japanese fandom art on pixiv, sometimes rabbits are used to insinuate a character is cute and timid in fanart.

Meaningless details: Haruka sleeps with his necklace on; he sleeps on a bed and not a futon; at first I thought he woke up holding his plush's hand but his hand is merely next to the toy; and considering the state of the pillow and blanket, I wonder if he moves a lot in his sleep or if the is just because in this case he seems to be waking up from a nightmare about the dog incident...

Final note: I've spent so many hours writing this I don't remember if i was building up to any big finale or not but I hope you enjoyed reading this! Feel free to add on in the comments/reblogs.

[mellometal]

Hi, everyone.

I have something extremely important to talk about that is NOT fandom related. I really do hope this can reach everyone on here, especially since it's still Autism Acceptance Month.

A few quick questions for anyone who happens to see this before I dive right into this: Have you ever heard of Dhar Mann? If so, have you ever seen his videos? What do you think about them?

If you don't know who Dhar Mann is, he's a content creator whose main platforms are Instagram and YouTube. He makes these videos about various scenarios from a couple on the brink of divorce, to kids bullying one of their peers, even about Autism Spectrum Disorder. All of his videos have some kind of message at the end that really drives the point home. One of his most recent videos is about ASD, which is what I'm going to discuss today.

Personally, I think some of his videos are interesting, despite the concepts being reused and recycled over and over; however, how I feel about the video he made about ASD is the complete opposite. I'll summarize the video he made so you don't have to watch it. (If you really want to watch it to see exactly what I'm talking about, I'm not gonna stop you. Do what you need to do in order to form your own opinion.)

The video Dhar Mann made about ASD is about this boy who excludes his autistic brother from participating in activities with his friends at school. The boy bullies his autistic brother and does pretty much everything to make his brother's life Hell, even going as far as to pretend that he doesn't know his own brother. The boy "instantly regrets his decision" when their mom is called into the school to discipline her son for bullying his autistic brother. What his mother says is what REALLY upsets me. The message of this video in particular is this, WORD FOR FUCKING WORD. I wish I was kidding. But here's the message below:

How the video concludes is the boy reluctantly includes his autistic brother in every single activity, the boy sees his brother's potential, and they live happily ever after. Whoop-dee-fucking-doo.

As an autistic woman who works with disabled people for a living, that message Dhar Mann put in this video specifically is not only extremely ableist, but is also spreading misinformation about ASD.

News flash to all the people who still spread misinformation about ASD: Not every single autistic person is a little white boy in elementary school, nor is every single autistic person a young white man who's a Super Genius™️. (I could go on all day long about how the media stereotypes autistic characters and autistic people in general, but that's a whole other topic.) No autistic person is the same, meaning we all fall on the spectrum in different places and all that jazz. There's no "look" to autistic people either because no autistic person looks the same.

Autistic women exist.

Autistic girls exist.

Autistic nonbinary people exist.

Autistic BIPOC and AAPI exist.

Autistic people who are completely nonverbal exist.

Autistic people who are completely verbal exist.

Autistic people who are in the middle of being nonverbal and verbal exist.

Autistic people who require minimal to no support exist.

Autistic people who require moderate support exist.

Autistic people who require full support exist.

Autistic LGBT people exist. (Reason why I bring this one up is because the media almost always shows cishet autistic men and I don't see autistic LGBT representation very often, if ever.)

Autism isn't something you can "catch". People have this same mentality about ADHD and Tourette's Syndrome too, which, by the way, you can't "catch" either.

Autism doesn't "go away" when you reach adolescence or adulthood. Why? BECAUSE AUTISTIC TEENAGERS AND AUTISTIC ADULTS EXIST. Autistic kids grow into autistic teenagers, then into autistic adults.

You can't "cure" it either. Unless you can build a time machine and a device to go back in time to change how a person's brain develops, there is no cure. ABA therapy is a fucking shit show in itself that does more harm than good.

The title of the video is a real squick for me too. It's mostly because I don't particularly enjoy people using person first language (the "boy with autism" part). I've seen many other autistic people on multiple other platforms sharing that same sentiment and preferring identity first language (autistic person). There are also others who prefer using person first language and those who don't have a preference. That's all perfectly valid. Whatever you prefer people using when referring to you, or whatever you refer to yourself as, in this case, is totally valid and I love you. This goes for disabilities in general, not just Autism Spectrum Disorder.

Regarding the message in this video, here's my response to it! A quick heads-up, my response is VERY long and VERY passionate. I was VERY close to making a response video where I tear that video apart AND tear Dhar Mann a new asshole. Unfortunately, it worked me up so much that I was really struggling with what I wanted to say and I had to stop multiple times because I kept stumbling on my words. That's how angry this message made me. I'll try my best to explain whatever parts you have questions about. I put my response in the nicest way I possibly could, despite me seething with rage, wanting to go OFF on him.

(The first part of my response are the first three screenshots, and the second part are the last three screenshots.)

The first part of my response, I did forget to add that the message is offensive and disrespectful to autistic people as a whole. I apologize. My initial comment got way too long. I pretty much covered that when I told him the message is ableist. I wanted to clear that up before anyone asks about it.

The second part of my response is me opening up about my experience with being diagnosed with ASD, formerly known as As//per//ger's Syn//dro//me, at sixteen years old. I also went into how not calling ASD what it truly is (which is a disability) and calling it a "different ability" instead is extremely harmful and is treating being disabled like it's a bad thing.

By the way, saying that a disabled person is disabled isn't a bad thing. I'm disabled. It is what it is. Does it have its challenges? You bet. Does it help me with certain things? Hell yeah. I can really absorb information about my favorite bands, characters, shows, books, etc., and tell you a lot about those things. For example, I can tell you that Su can't ride a bike or read manga and she's okay with that. I can also tell you she can't tie her shoes very well, which is why her boots don't have laces and are slip-on and/or zip-up. But that doesn't mean my struggles are nonexistent or that I never struggle. I do, and it makes my life Hell at times.

The narrative that autism is a bad thing to have, every autistic person is somehow broken and they all need to be "fixed" is also super fucked up and not true. That's the narrative that I received when I was diagnosed by a therapist I had. I'm gonna be real here, I cried when I was first told that I was diagnosed with ASD. I felt like I was broken. I already felt like a total outcast. Being told about my diagnosis made me feel even more broken than I already felt. I was so ashamed of myself, despite me not doing anything wrong whatsoever, that I masked for SEVEN YEARS of my life. I masked for so long that I forgot I was even diagnosed with ASD in the first place. I wasn't taught how to really put my special interests into good use. I kinda had to figure that out on my own. I was pretty much under the assumption that me being interested in anime, cartoons, music, comics, theatre, writing, etc., to the point of obsession, was somehow weird and hurting people around me. You know, despite those things being harmless. Despite me being able to separate those things from other things that are important (like work, for example). Despite my only surviving parent, other family members, and the woman he was dating at the time completely overreacting and not bothering to see exactly what makes these things so special to me.

(By the way, having a disability does not completely make who a person is. There are a lot more things that make who a person is than that.)

It's kinda shocking that I wasn't able to come to terms with my diagnosis until this year. Considering that I masked for so long due to being ashamed of myself, plus being treated like a burden for being disabled, it's probably not very surprising. I initially thought at the time that it was the worst thing to have, as I was already struggling with enough shit back then, but came to realize it's not a bad thing. It doesn't change who I am. But I'm glad I came to terms with it finally nonetheless.

This is getting way too long, so I'm gonna wrap things up here. If you've read this far, thank you so much. I'm sorry this got so long!

If you watched the video, what are your thoughts on it? If this is your first time hearing about Dhar Mann, how do you feel about him? If you're a Dhar Mann fan, did this change your opinion on him in any way? Feel free to sound off in the comments!

Have a great day, everyone!

[makaylajadewrites]

Another Aspect

Hi all! I wrote this work for @endingsbeginnings​ - I hope you all enjoy!

Pairing: Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid

Tags: Canon-Typical Violence, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Autism, Autistic Spencer Reid, Established Relationship

Summary: Spencer has a meltdown on the job, but Derek is there to help him through it.

Word count: 1173

Read on AO3 here

It was a bad one. No amount of blood or gore fazed Spencer, but something about kids always seemed to get to all of them. Not just any kids - autistic kids, and other special needs children who were snatched on their ways to and from school, only for their bodies to be found nearly twenty-four hours later. Evidence of sexual assault was left on every body, most of which were male, but this unsub did not discriminate against gender. It seemed he was not preferential, and most of them hypothesized that choosing special needs kids made the abductions easier, and Spencer was so incredibly disgusted by the mere thought. How could anyone do those things to a defenseless child?

He was reaching his breaking point. The overwhelming urge to stim was encroaching on him, and he could tell that he was on the verge of a complete and total meltdown because the details of this case were harrowing and he felt so helpless, since all of the leads they had followed thus far ended up going nowhere. Already, a child had died while they were on the case. Seeing his distressed parents crumble against each other as JJ delivered the unfortunate news, through the glass windows of the conference room was heartbreaking. His hands were trembling already. He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know.

But then there was Morgan… Derek Morgan, his partner, whom he absolutely adored. Fortunately for Reid, the feelings were very mutual; they had been dating for about ten months now, naturally gravitating towards each other after Tobias Hankle. There was just something they saw in each other, a sense of belonging, of home, that made it work, even though most would look at them and see polar opposites. But they were happy together, and Spencer had never before been in a relationship where his partner was so understanding of his autistic traits - it was like Morgan didn’t even consider it a problem like most did, but rather, he accepted it as another unique aspect of Spencer.

He and Prentiss had just returned from their canvas of the latest crime scene. Prentiss went off to join Rossi in his endeavor through the old case files, and Morgan rejoined with him at their space in the middle of the police department. Spencer had been sitting in that exact spot for at least ten minutes, although he wasn’t entirely sure since he lost track of time when he was in his own head, attempting to escape from the chaos of sensory hell all around him. There were so many people, all around him, so u

“You got anything, Reid?” Derek asked, sounding a bit exacerbated, most likely because nothing had turned up from their investigation at the crime scene. Reid couldn’t find it in himself to respond right away, but when his lips parted, the most horrific thing occurred;

“You got anything, Reid?” He responded effortlessly, his eyes widening in realization at what he had done. He was immediately overcome with embarrassment, his hands balling into fists over his legs. His lower lip began to tremble.

“Okay, it’s okay, baby… Why don’t we go somewhere quiet, okay?” Morgan said, reaching a hand out to allow Spencer to initiate contact himself. Spencer looked up at him, biting his lips to prevent himself from talking, because he knew very well that he would only repeat what Morgan was saying to him. He couldn’t help it - sometimes his brain just overused itself so much that finding words of his own was too difficult, and instead found comfort in repeating what he heard. His hands fidgeted in his lap still, and he stared at the extended hand with an expression somewhere between fear and trepidation. He slowly took it though, standing up with Morgan’s help. As soon as he was standing though, he recoiled rather violently, and instead chose to follow Morgan away from the bustling center of the police department and into an unused office that was dark and empty.

Once inside, Morgan closed the door behind them, pulled the blinds and, without touching the younger man, guided Spencer to sit down on the small sofa inside. Spencer did so, wordlessly, pressing his ever-twitching hands in between his thighs.

“You’re okay, Spencer,” Morgan said to him, crouching down in front of him and opening up his messenger bag, digging around for a stim toy.

“You’re okay, Spencer,” Reid repeated immediately, raising a hand up since he was unable to resist the urge to chew on his finger, nibbling lightly and reveling in the slight discomfort it gave him. Derek glanced up from the bag, a chewable necklace in his hand, the rubber piece blue and shaped like a crystal.

“Hey, hey, don’t hurt yourself, use this instead,” Derek said, holding the necklace up to him but refraining from touching him still - Spencer couldn’t be more grateful. He took the necklace instantly and pressed the chewable toy into his mouth, biting down on it in a constant rhythm, humming quietly in the back of his throat. His hands reached for Derek’s, and even as surprised as he was, Derek held his hands up slowly. Spencer laced their fingers together, squeezing his hands in a pattern mirroring his biting. Squeeze, relax; bite, relax…

About seven minutes later, Spencer’s mind had calmed down, his hands slightly shaking in Derek’s before he lifted one, taking the chewable out of his mouth and slipping it into a baggy in his messenger bag. He would have to wash it later, when they got to the hotel… But that was the least of his concerns. He met Derek’s gaze, and he smiled slightly, Derek squeezing their hands that were still joined.

“How are you feeling?” He asked him, his voice low and calming, and Spencer licked his lips before reaching a hand up to brush his hair away from his face.

“Better…” he said, matching Morgan’s quiet volume. Derek smiled, and as he began to pull his hand away, Spencer immediately pulled it up towards his face, resting his cheek against Derek’s knuckles.

“D-Derek, I…” Spencer started, looking down briefly before raising his gaze to meet Derek’s dark, gentle eyes once more, Thank you.”

“No need to thank me,” Derek said simply, brushing his knuckles over Spencer’s cheekbone, “If you need some more time, no one will think any different. But if not, let’s get this son of a bitch.”

Spencer nodded and with a new sense of determination, followed Derek out of the empty office. God, I love that man, he thought with a content smile, and when they rejoined the team in the department, Spencer approached the map with a new thought in mind, and within ten seconds, he was spouting off a new theory to their team, and he could have sworn he saw a proud smile twitching at the corner of Derek’s lips.

Needless to say, Spencer’s insight led them straight to the unsub, and they boarded the jet that night, arriving home the next morning.

[imagining-in-the-margins]

Anon Asks ! (+one NSFW one below)

1. Awe, you're not selfish. I completely understand why you feel left out. Unfortunately, people already read my SFW stuff at such a lower rate that I'm afraid a SFW Series would totally bomb. Unless I was extremely motivated, I don't see myself being able to do it.

Do me a favor and send me another Anon about SFW Series recommendations. I just asked my Discord, but I want to give them some time to respond!

2. You are so wonderful. Thank you for sending me such a lovely message not once, but twice. I appreciate you taking your time to read my work and then go even further and tell me about it.

I hope you have the best day ever 😭

3. They've been friends since they were teenagers! Las Vegas is a surprisingly small place, all things considered. They promised him back then they would let him direct a music video if they ever made it big. It's very cute.

4. Who, me? Naaah, I'm just a worm 😉 (does anyone recognize this reference? or do I just look silly?)

5. I'm assuming this is about Quid Pro Quo (although it could also be about Fuzzy Pants, lol), and I'm so happy you think so! I was worried it'd be a bit too niche, but it's great to see people enjoying it 🤗

6. I don't think I'll be able to swing a whole series of that, but I do have a couple Virgin Post-Prison Spencer WIPs. I also plan on writing a Virgin Spencer mini-series after TB&TB (called Centerfold), but it takes place when he's in graduate school/ten years later.

7. Ah, you are so sweet. And yes, I have been writing quite a lot of that lanky fucker, huh... The truth is, my answer is very simple and can be summed up in a very funny way. How do I keep writing him?

✨ a u t i s m ✨

I can honestly say I have never, ever bored myself out of anything. Other things just became more interesting for a little while. Matthew was one of my first ever special interests as a young teen. I cycle through mine for periods of a couple years at a time (I popped in here hot off my Naruto re-emergence).

Whereas a lot of people go through interests in much shorter bursts (especially those with ADHD), autistic people have a tendency to fixate for much, much longer periods. There is nothing wrong with you, we are just different ☺️

I use the "Other" MGG characters to grant myself the freedom to do other things. I honestly really wanted this to be a multi-fandom blog, but I was immediately inundated with Spencer requests that never stopped.

Maybe one day I'll introduce another obsession, but I don't see it in my immediate future. I usually have a pretty good warning that I'm slipping out of the fandom. Right now I'm mostly just sad people are leaving. I'm still going strong though, lmao!

8. I'm a firm believer in the idea that Laziness Does Not Exist, but I totally understand. You're actually describing something experienced by ALL writers, although having ADHD will no doubt exacerbate the problems. I do not have ADHD, but the good news is that ADHD has a large number of treatment options (both pharmaceutical and otherwise).

I think you can talk to a trusted adult about it if you'd like. I know very little about the diagnostic process of ADHD, but I do know that it's significantly more straightforward than most autistic testing. A number of my friends got a diagnosis in less than a month (granted, they are all adults, and their parents were willing to cooperate).

A diagnosis won't make your parents (or anyone else) believe you, though. It's just one of those things you have to learn to deal with. But with the case of ADHD specifically, because there are pharmaceutical treatments, it might be worth it. I personally absolutely abhor stimulants (and am also medically contraindicated). But I'm autistic, so they don't help me, lol!

As for being more motivated generally, I think a lot of it is literally just forcing yourself to do it. You have to get over this idea of writing it perfect and just start writing SOMETHING, even if it's garbage. You can always edit it.

Fanfiction is so much easier with this because it doesn't have to be perfect, or even good (lol). It's just for fun! It's not an easy thing to do, but it is so rewarding. I know a lot of people in my Discord like utilizing our Writer Bot to have writing "sprints" where you are timed and see how many words you can write in short bursts.

Not how I function, but it works for some people! We are all different, and that's what makes us wonderful 🥰

9. Awwwe, I have so many Hozier songs on their playlist! I listen to him whenever I need general inspiration. Like most basic white bitches, I do love me some Hozier. Also, I am honored.

NSFW WARNING, MINORS DNI

Hahah, good news is I have a number of fics about that premise! H2M, Different Kind of Daddy, Big Bad Wolf, Protege, sections of the NSFW Alphabet, Thimble of Honey, aaand... Spoiled. I think that's most of them.

It will come up VERY briefly in TB&TB. I'm positive I have other Spencer WIPs that include it, but I couldn't tell you which ones. It's requested of me very often 😅 which is fine, it is a kink I have IRL!

I agree, though. It makes me feel things.