#and his journey to acceptance of himself

[tumblerislovetumblerislife]

Chapters: 6/6 Fandom: Dead Boy Detectives (TV) Rating: Mature Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Edwin Paine | Edwin Payne/Charles Rowland, Crystal Palace/Charles Rowland (DCU), Charles Rowland/Original Male Character(s) Characters: Charles Rowland (DCU), Edwin Paine | Edwin Payne, Crystal Palace (DCU), Original Male Character(s) Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, (in terms of backstory), Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Internalized Biphobia, Bisexual Charles Rowland, Bi4Bi Crystal Palace/Charles Rowland, charles fancying a boy: 'i just want to be his friend :)', Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Character Death, (a la backstories), if i describe charles' death does that count as major character death?, no beta we die like the dead boy detectives, and niko is in the north pole okay! she's fine!!, Charles Rowland (DCU) Has ADHD, Autistic Edwin Paine | Edwin Payne, charles and edwin really are adhd/autism solidarity, Coming Out, Love Confessions, Friendship/Love, Friends to Lovers, Charles Rowland Has a Sword, because WHY did he only have it once??, charles is also covered in blood (for hotness reasons), Edwin Paine | Edwin Payne Loves Charles Rowland, Charles Rowland Loves Edwin Paine | Edwin Payne, how is that not a tag yet, it gives me life how many little compliments edwin sneaks in on their cases in canon ❤ Summary:

It didn’t start as much. As anything, really. Charles noticed him in the hallways only because he was new, which was rare in Year 11, and because he smiled shyly whenever Charles said hi. Aysar, he’d introduced himself, and Charles liked the way the syllables formed in his mouth. He wanted to be Aysar’s friend.

Or: five boys Charles didn't date, and one he did. well, i’ve finally finished my fic, so i guess it’s time to plug! maybe the real dead boys were the friends we made along the way :)

[vaugarde]

mirabelle family quest

[chirpsythismorning]

Will Won't Believe Mike Has Feelings For Him, Until Mike Unpacks EVERYTHING!

In season 2, almost every touch between byler was initiated by Mike. Literally two episodes in a row at the start of that season, the camera focuses on Mike wrapping his arm around Will's shoulder warmly, only for us to never see this gesture from Mike again until s4, except this time it's with El (feat. Will in the background).

This is important because it means Mike went from initiating touch with Will in the earlier seasons, to not initiating it in the later ones, and conveniently right after he started having a relationship with El.

After holding back from initiating any contact with Will all of s3 (the same season almost all contact between them was initiated by Will for the first time), it's not until the end of the season that Mike lets go of his ih right as Will is about to leave for California, falling into his arms.

And then it takes the literal apocalypse, at the very end of s4, for Mike to wholeheartedly initiate contact with Will again (after yet another season of Will initiating most).

And so it makes sense why Will would be confused.

Because at the end of s3, Mike gives him the impression that he didn't want Will to join another party, with Will basically admitting that was the whole point of him donating the dnd game, because joining another party would literally be impossible for him, so like what's the point?

Will's feelings aren't going away. Whether or not Mike feels the same, is beside the point. Will still wants to be in Mike's life as his friend and he would be ecstatic to be best friends like they used to, entirely platonically.

After all, Will used to attribute Mike's behavior in earlier seasons as platonic, whereas bylers arguably viewed it as romantic. So Will's idea of romantic vs. platonic may very well be different than Mike's (and perhaps ours).

We tend to view those gestures as romantic, especially because Mike went from being able to do them nonchalantly, to now looking like a deer in headlights any time Will so much as slightly grazes his arm.

This is why I think Mike and Will's personal experiences with ih intersect and overlap. It affects them both differently, and that's probably because they had their realizations at different times, but it’s also probably because it started in environments that don’t resemble the exact same circumstances and experiences.

I do think because of Lonnie and because of Will's experiences growing up being bullied, he is understandably scared of being a target and that will never go away, it never does for queer people. That trauma is deep for Will and it's why he can't stand up for El in s4 when it comes to the bullies. It's why he freezes. And yet, even still, he seems a lot more comfortable in being who he is in a way that I just don't think Mike is, at least not fully or to the extent Will is (yet).

And it's because they are at totally different stages of their journey, journeys that are going to look totally different even side by side, but still qualify as both being worthy enough for acknowledgment in the end.

I hate the whole excuse regarding the girl in Will's class, because we don't really get much context there. But I'm guessing that Will obviously knew this girl sort of well. They're sitting next to each other in class, and he's been going to this school for about 6 months, so I highly doubt they are strangers.

I also am assuming they talked enough that this girl felt compelled to flirt by playing footsy, as opposed to her just being attracted to him and doing it on a whim. That obviously doesn't excuse her touching him without his consent, but what I'm trying to say is that there are girls that have liked Will for who he is, after getting to know him, who want to get to know him more romantically and he's just.... not having it.

And so if Will was craving normalcy to the point where he wanted to appear straight, dating a girl that is fully interested in him is obviously one of the popular options a person might consider in that situation. And Will's had this opportunity. This was just one of at least 3 in canon occurrences where a girl implied, 'Hey. I'm interested' towards Will. Which means all he would have to do is play along and he could keep his sexuality locked down and ignore his true feelings, by pretending to be happy in a heterosexual relationship.

We even have an unnamed fourth girl in the mix, who Will doesn't even know exists. This girl exists solely to make Mike insecure about his and Will's relationship. Because in contrast to Will, and most people that don't have extreme cases of ih, Mike views romantic relationships as shutting out everyone else, and he's scared that now that Will might be interested in a girl and moving towards a romantic relationship, he's going to shut Mike out and he'll lose him for good.

But Will doesn't have that same level of denial or self-hatred that might lead one to pursue or even simply draw out an unromantic relationship, at least not anymore. You could try to argue that in s2 Will did because he gave in and danced with the girl (at Mike's insistence), but since then, nothing.

Will is the kind of person that is comfortable enough in his sexuality to literally be single for the rest of his life, contentedly, because that would mean he doesn't have to pretend to be someone he's not to fit society's expectations. He's not scared enough about the implications of not having a gf and what people would think of him as a result. He is who he is and he's accepted that part of himself.

Mike on the other hand, has lots of expectations of himself, that he's sort of forcing himself to obey and follow. And he's also well aware of the implications of everything he does, especially when it relates to Will. He hyper-focuses on his actions and it's why he can't be fully honest about how he feels, and this is because how he has been acting as of late, is mostly an act in and of itself. An act that protects him from exploring the truth about his sexuality. An act that allows him to ignore it all together.

Every time Will has confronted Mike about his inability to be a good friend like he used to be, it's literally coming from a platonic place, not from a place of Will expecting Mike to return his love.

That's the thing, he doesn't think Mike could ever love him because he thinks Mike is straight. But he also (unlike Mike) doesn't have fears about Mike viewing his behavior as romantic, he just has fears that Mike doesn't want him as a friend anymore.

And I think that's the difference between Will's ih and Mike's.

Because Mike's ih is attributed to how he's been taught to believe he must grow up and be a certain way, according to bs media propaganda and from his family, along with how all of those ideas impacted him internally, since he has no one to really talk about it with.

And while Will has experienced some heinous shit in regards to his perceived sexuality at an extremely young age (a lot of which Mike witnessed right beside him or experienced himself firsthand) he doesn't apply those insecurities to his relationship with Mike. Even though Lonnie and those bullies and the scum of town broke him down, his mother loves him and his brother loves him and his best friend said asking him to be his best friend was the best thing he's ever done.

Mike doesn't have that kind of support going on for him when it comes to accepting his sexuality. He's scared, and understandably so.

This contrast between their characters is obvious in the way they go about their relationship, specifically in s4.

For example, Will doesn't view Mike not sending him letters as Mike turning him down romantically, he views it as Mike not caring about him at all, even as a friend.

And that's the main thing that made me have this realization about Mike's behavior in s4, and over the seasons in general because, to Mike, writing a letter to Will had romantic implications.

He sent letters to El and literally couldn't give in to send not even one letter to Will, and it's because, well, it would be too obvious (gay).

I imagine it's possible Will called Mike after they were settled in Cali, because he was still fairly certain they were on good terms considering how they left things (he has no idea Mike is spiraling over being recommitted to El again). Will had little reason to be insecure that Mike wouldn't want to talk to him, so I imagine that initially, things were at least fine.

But then it's been about a week and the Byers get a couple of letters in the mail, one for El and one for Jonathan, and... I can't even imagine what Will might have been feeling in that moment.

And then it happens again. And again. And Will is confused, because he thought they resolved things in their last conversation. He thought that they hugged and they were back to the way things used to be.

We even get this moment where Max is writing letters to everyone, EVERYONE, which makes me think Will did get letters from his other friends after the move, from Dustin, Lucas and even Max. And I think this can also be supported by a few other details. Bc if the phone line was busy, I don’t think any of the other friends would have a problem with writing Will a letter to reach him instead. And so by Dustin complaining about Mike was always whining about the Byers line being busy is an interesting choice bc, why wouldn't Dustin also complain? Wouldn't he want to call to talk to Will too.... Unless, Dustin is fully capable of getting his platonic Will fix via letters, EVEN probably ending them with love Dustin. (Will also knew what Lucas’ hair looked like in s4, which he would only really know if he got a picture of Lucas sent to him in the mail, most likely accompanied by a letter catching up).

I'm honestly guessing, that the only person who didn't write Will, not even once, was Mike.

It makes sense that in the time between s3-s4, Will attributed this behavior from Mike as him just reverting back to his s3 ways. He stopped focusing on Will and put all of his energy into worrying about El (again).

And so although Will doesn't make the effort to reach out to Mike as much as he could have, it's not because he's scared Mike will realize his feelings for him if he 'goes too far' or something. It's because he just genuinely thinks that Mike doesn't want to be his friend anymore.

And then the couple other times Mike himself calls the Byers over those 6 months, it's incredibly awkward. Something is off and Will doesn't know what it is or if it's his fault.

And this is why he puts his heart and soul into that painting.

The party was the last thing they talked about when they last saw each other. And that painting and what it represents reminds Will of a time when they were younger, when they could be themselves. Or more specifically when Mike could be himself and show how much he cared about Will, something he has been incapable of doing to the extent he would like to, for quite some time now. Will's holding onto this small ounce of hope that he just needs to prove to Mike that their friendship can still be what it used to be, if that's what Mike wants of course. And he's not scared that Mike is going to see this as romantic, or he's at least not worried about it. Why else would he put a heart on his shield and plan on giving it to him in front of everyone, in public?

Over the next few months, letters to El (from Mike), are arriving less and less over time, but they're still semi consistent. And all the while Will's just working on his painting with the purest and kindest of intentions.

Then, the day of their reunion finally comes and Will is so excited to hug Mike and give him the painting, but then suddenly, Mike is rejecting him. Instead of going in for a hug like he did at the end of s3, Mike makes his way towards Will, only to pull himself back and tap him on the shoulder instead before they can even hug properly.

Will looked very happy to see Mike, just like Mike did initially. However, in contrast, Will didn't hold himself back from the embrace at all, not until he saw Mike doing it.

Meaning ih wasn't in the way of Will in this moment, but it was in the way for Mike.

Mike's inability to simply hug him back like a friend hugs a friend, is when Will thinks, 'okay. so this painting is probably not the best idea.'

And then all day long, Will is moping, not even thinking about the implications of what it could look like. He doesn't care if he looks like a sad gay boy, because he is a sad gay boy.

Meanwhile Mike is smiling (painfully) most of the day, though we know because Mike lets it slip later, that he was too distracted by Will's moping to even enjoy himself. It was all an act. He was internalizing everything he was truly feeling and thinking in those moments.

Again we're seeing Will being quite capable of showing a full range of emotions, without him worrying about the implications that may come with it, whereas the implications of anything and everything Mike does (or even wears) is a guiding factor for why he is behaving the way that he is.

And then at Rink-O-Mania, Will says, 'what about us' and the entire byler community is gasping.. bc i mean, the guts?? the confidence? the self assurance that he must have had to say something so bold such as, 'what about us??', all while Mike is looking back at him fucking starstruck, wishing he had the balls to say something like that intentionally and not by accident.

Mike has started to be extremely careful about what he says, and in turn Will is having no choice but to do the same.

At this moment, Mike is still reeling from admitting to paying more attention to Will's mood than El who was lying straight to his face, and now Will is suddenly revealing to Mike that he missed him a lot and he was sad that Mike didn't call more...

But instead of Mike being like BRO I called. I called you every day for almost a year... he keeps his mouth shut.

This is the moment we finally see Mike's mask start to crack, because in this moment he reveals that he couldn't write to him because, "She's my girlfriend Will!" and "We're friends. We're friends.".

All of which are things Will never disputed as being basic facts.

The reality is Will isn't upset here because Mike doesn't want to do romantic coded things with him, he's upset because things that used to be platonic for them, that are platonic for most best friends, Mike is suddenly viewing as romantic now.

"But we used to be best friends," drives home this fact that Will's insecurities about their relationship are tied to Mike's behavior.

And then Mike's ih and 'detouring back into the closet' tendencies are back in full force, and it's causing Will to also cut himself short. Instead of being honest like he always is, he's stopping himself, because Mike is starting to change his tune.

It's why he walked away after the rain fight, and it's why he keeps his mouth shut instead of defending himself. Because this isn't how things used to be between them.

And that's what I find kind of tragic about their slow-burn, and I haven't seen anyone talk about this, which is that I think their experiences overlap.

I think that Mike's ih is starting to impact Will in a negative way. While Will has been learning to accept himself over the seasons, Mike's been learning to hide.

We've seen them go from a relationship early on where Mike was the reason Will accepted himself, to now being the reason he has to give him a veiled love confession, because at this point, Will has little reason to believe Mike could love him back based on his actions and his behavior.

At the end of s3, right before they hug, Will kind of just stands there waiting for Mike to hug him, like he's down to hug Mike, but only if that's what he wants. Will's ih is only starting to kick in at all now because Mike's has went from nonexistent, to value infinity. After a season of initiating all contact, Will is skeptical Mike even wants to hug him. But then Mike is falling into his arms and it's such a pure moment, because now Will is thinking, albeit bittersweetly, that things can go back to normal for them.

But they don't, with s4 essentially starting out as a repeat of s3.

Will is back to this trend of initiating all their physical contact again. First going in for a hug at the airport brightly (only to be shot down). Poking Mike in the chest at Rink-O-Mania when they're arguing. Grazing Mike's arm in the van when he gives him the painting. Reaching out to tap his shoulder during his monologue. Hugging Lucas with him. Elbowing him subtly to ask about how things are with El. These are all subtle moments where Will goes out his way to initiate touch with Mike, things that arguably Mike used to do with Will, but now only does extremely rarely, and most notably at the last second at the end of the season, after holding himself back the first 8 or so episodes.

I think what's so important about the way they approached this, is that in order for Will to truly accept and love himself, Mike has to accept himself too.

Without even realizing it, a long time ago, Mike made Will accept himself. Will was arguably experiencing a lot of ih in the first two seasons, but then suddenly it flipped, and now it's the other way around, with Will just being confused like I thought you cured me of this bro? wtf??

Will literally poured his heart out to Mike with that painting. He told Mike how he felt. He even spent the last year or so being fairly honest about how he viewed their friendship and about how he feels about him. And while Mike always makes the effort to correct things with Will, a lot faster than he does with anyone else, he's still leaving Will in the dark here.

Because while most bylers are fully convinced s4 ended things in a way that proves Mike is ready to be with Will once that opportunity arises, that doesn't mean Will is going to believe him.

Will doesn't end the season thinking Mike loves him, he ends it thinking the exact opposite.

It doesn't matter that Mike is finally reaching out to him again or that he's even standing right beside him at the end, because Will has already been through this with Mike.

He's already gotten hope that they could go back to how they were.

And even though their reconciliation in s4 seemed to resolve things, things still ended in a similar way to s3, only this time in a more grand way, with Mike telling El he loved her 9 times, and the added bonus that he apparently felt like his life started that day they found her in the woods (the same day Will went missing).

And so somethings gotta give. We cant just have a repeat of s3 and s4.

I think it's going to take A LOT for Will to even consider Mike could not only see him truly as a best friend again, but that he also returns his feelings romantically.

Sadly, despite all the beauty that is byler when it comes to them voicing how much they care about each other, Mike's inability to even want a platonic relationship is why they are in this situation in the first place. Because I honestly think Will is capable of a platonic relationship with Mike, whereas I do no think Mike is capable of having a platonic relationship with Will. And his attempts to hide his feelings have caused Will to be insecure about where their friendship lies.

And so it's going to require Will getting an explanation as to why Mike has been acting this way for so long.

Mike's not going to be able to end things with El and then manage to convince Will that its him who he loves.

This is where I think the letter comes in. I think that Will pouring his heart out in that painting, explaining all the ways Mike makes him feel like he's not a mistake, needs to be reciprocated in a similar way from Mike's end.

After the past few years of him making Will question everything he ever thought about their relationship, both Will and Mike deserve the closure that comes with acknowledging what the hell happened between them.

And I think the best way to do that is for Will to understand why Mike did what he did, because Will didn't personally have ih that gave him the urge to seek out, nor stay in unhappy relationships. Like I'm sure Will's fairly convinced that having a girlfriend is strictly straight behavior, as are most (uninformed) people.

If Mike wants to be with Will, he needs to give Will closure about why they went from best friends to strangers. And that is going to require Mike unpacking his ih in a way that Will is going to understand, once Mike finally acknowledges it instead of beating around the bush. Will is going to be able to be the thing that makes Mike accept himself, and vice versa.

And the way I think Mike is going to do that is IN A LETER (especially after convincing himself letters are romantic? boy! you better prove it!)

Once they finally do that, once they both speak to each other in their own personal love language (Will with his art and Mike with his writing), they'll finally understand each other and where they were both coming from.

And that's when they'll realize that they can overcome all these fears they've had growing up, everything that caused them this big mess in the first place, because they'll be able to get through it together.

And it's going to be so heartbreakingly beautiful and real that not even the ga is going to be able to be mad.

[duusheen]

Nothing like the fresh country air and his hat 🎶

anon, you're a genious.

[mymarifae]

sorry. aventurine got me

it was the "chasing after your past self (who loves you and wants to encourage you and ease all your fears) through an amusement park while your future self (who hates you and spends every second disparaging and tormenting you) follows close behind" sequence. two seconds into that and i knew i was doomed

[nightswatchdisbandmentera]

Jon becoming KiTN in Winds (specifically) would actually be bad as far as themes go

[mostlymaudlin]

was starting to hijack in the tags of that post i just reblogged but ohhhhh it is so juicy to me that the end of TKM is just part of the rising action of andrew's character arcs. and yet the way the novel leaves off, you can have so much hope in the ways its going to continue -- especially because neil proves to us on the last page that he's going to fight like hell to hold onto him whatever comes next.

it's just !!!! all andrew's deals are done. neil's big happy moment of relationship security comes from the fact that andrew didn't deny its existence lol. BUT neils correct to be happy about this, because he knows andrew is a black & white thinker, and he's entering unchartered territory! all his lil lies he uses to duct tape his sanity together are coming apart, and that break is going to be FASCINATING. i doubt it'll be explosive or anything -- andrew's more the "quietly self-destruct climax" type than the "defeat the mafia thru the power of sports climax" type -- but it'll sure be something interesting. and then once it all breaks, we know he'll have neil and kevin and his family and the foxes to help him heal -- and he'll have to believe it when they show they care about him, because he literally doesn't owe anyone anything

[mintytrifecta]

Aroace Daring. You agree. Reblog.

[happyk44]

Thinking intensely about writing a fic where Nico doesn't come out to Percy and Eros isn't pleased about it. Part of the whole thing with the scepter was to get Nico to come to terms with his emotions, but instead of owning up to it, Nico is once again repressing, repressing, repressing.

So Eros has some fun with it.

Now there's two versions I'm thinking of:

1) Eros removes Nico's ability to love because he doesn't deserve it if he keeps refusing that side of him and the fic becomes a theme about the power of love and how love comes in many forms and Nico is restored through the love of his sister and love of his friends.

2) Eros removes everything but Nico's ability to love, forcing someone (in my head this is obviously Percy because percico for the win) to embark on a journey to get those pieces back, because what's been left is a loveable happy-go-lucky version of Nico (who immediately owns up to his crush on Percy), but it isn't Nico and that's what matters

[theajaheira]

your tags on that fandom post got me thinking of how... defensive fandom is of the status quo kinda? like I'm white so this might come off like I'm absolving myself which I'm not, but so often I see "fandom is a queer run space that fixes canon! buuuut we're going to focus on the white men because they're the only ones with depth :) and we're going to make actually good female characters cookie cutter. and we're going to ignore black men and especially black women. but queer run safe space!!"

the minute i got this ask i knew i had to wait until i was at home with my laptop because my fingers cannot fly as fast on my phone as they can on the computer keys. this is literally so much of what is happening in the buffy fandom. the whole thing is built on intrinsic systemic racism n misogyny that's reinforced within the show and that many in the fandom do not critically engage with in the slightest. it is absolutely objectively insane to me that i can make a post going, for example, "hey, isn't it fucked up as hell that the show treats the romani people as evil for wanting angel to suffer?" and then people will come into my inbox or land in my reblogs and go "well, actually, the show treats the romani people as shortsighted and bad at long-term planning, and i choose to read them that way too :)" and fully not see that there is a hell of a problem with THAT statement as well (real thing that happened). OR that kennedy hate is still hugely in vogue because she's mean and bratty and terrible and doesn't know her place!!! OR kendra's death & how easily she is forgotten by the fandom!!!!! OR the entire trend of handing buffy to a person's favorite character like a little trophy they've earned for being tortured and sad, reducing her to a facet of a romantic relationship & implying that this is what she needs to feel and be complete!

OR OH MY GOD THE ENTIRETY OF EVERYTHING SURROUNDING SPIKE. where do i even start with spike. completely serious, i am honestly endlessly impressed by the people who can still handle being fans of spike, because being a fan of spike means having to wade through 20 million fics where That Bitch Buffy must be narratively punished for abusing poor baby spike who only ever wanted to love her and was totally out of character every time he hurt her (and also drusilla is a vapid whore who didn't love spike, ever.) like i am not at this point in time always strong enough to engage with spike content simply because there is so much spike content that is SOAKED in violent misogyny repackaged as Deep, Torrid Romance. it's exhausting to try and find the good stuff when sometimes even the good stuff will throw you a curveball in chapter five or shy uncomfortably away from the racist realities of spike's character. the fact that robin wood has been hated for so long because he had the Nerve and the Audacity to want retribution for his mom, and that he is framed as in the wrong for wanting that, is in and of itself so fucking upsetting to me.

AN Y WAY. i agree with you. and i get what you're saying. i think an awareness of the pattern and a willingness to feel uncomfortable within your own mistakes is always a good place to start. i try so hard never to dig my heels in if i can avoid it.

[sarka-stically]

wow so ofmd finale is terrible? not just because of THAT thing at the end but genuinely bad tv?

[berryclownboy]

still not over smeyer adding imprinting to twilight

the way it cheapens the narrative and serves no purpose other than for smeyer to tie Jacobs story in a neat and complete box

it absolutely negates and spits on the pain and character development Jacob was going through in eclipse and breaking dawn

[dramarants]

it's telling the way ttj smiled at lss after their last night together in his dream, not a single drop of bittersweetness or regret or mourning for what could be, he is fully content knowing that though his end is near, he has faith in his choice and that some part of lss still loves him despite everything in the world outside. that man is truly at peace with it all and, somehow, I gotta be too

[helloimnad]

i dont want men unless his name is jing yuan ...

[trainerethan]

Gender undefined feels like the best descriptor for how I see reguri. They're lesbians. Not girls. Not boys. Another unspecified things. She/him green and any pronouns red. They're pretty masc presenting but it doesn't really matter to either of them how they're viewed.

[bylerisc4non]

HOLY SHIT I GOT IT!! (Mike's self-acceptance journey)

Okay, so we all know that Mike needs serious help and therapy and to learn to respect and care about himself, right? Well, remember Lexi's play in Euphoria? Remember what it did for Rue? Yes. I'm proposing that they just put on a play for Mike about his life and he'll see everything, his internalized homophobia, his projection, s3 and how he was an asshole, between s3 and s4 and how he was so depressed without Will, and that's how he'll decide to change, accept, & love himself. And he'll breakdown and sob a lot and maybe scream and cry about the painting. He will leave that play a changed man and immediately go find Will to tell him he's in love with him. BOOM. Byler endgame happens.

No but in all seriousness, something like that probably needs to happen in order for him to finally come to terms with himself and his love for Will. He needs to see Will's perspective, which will probably come out in a painting fight or something. But he also needs to step back and look at himself and see that he's fucked up but he's amazing wonderful extraordinary and Will loves him for it. And he'll learn to love himself. He'll have a lot of apologies to do, like to El, but in the end he'll forgive himself and she will too.

sorry-- overwhelming brain explosion. More to this theory is that the "play" is actually just a time warp kind of situation where he sees his younger self and has to confront the fact that he's always mistreated and disliked himself, even that little boy. All of his trauma from losing Will and losing himself too (in s3 and while denying his feelings) will hit him. The hurt he felt from being lied to by Will hits him, but also hits ten times worse with the knowledge that he made Will lie to him, he was the one who made Will think he didn't need him or want the painting to come from him. Everything will explode in his face; his self-hatred, his denial, his IH, his ED, his suicide ideation. Everything is coming to light this season. Mike's journey with his mental health through the seasons is going to slowly get wrapped up, providing closure and hope for him.

Mike needs to step back and see himself the way Will sees him, as the heart. He's already begun to see this in the van scene. They will continue this journey of self-reflection in s5. He will step back and see himself, really see himself this time. Perhaps this doesn't mean he will necessarily get Vecna'd but we probably shouldn't totally eliminate that possibility. After all, with the mirror imagery and everything, it could potentially happen. And just the fact that this whole post is about the fact that Mike needs to step back and see himself, like in a mirror (*cough cough* Vecna holds up mirrors to people). And it will be hard to have that mirror held up to him, but he's slowly coming to terms with it. Eddie was a great influence and help with that. He was unapologetically himself and Mike saw that and started being himself too. Of course, there were still moments when he'd hide again, like in Lenora, but for the most part Mike really started chipping away at that mask and coming out of his shell in s4.

Why else would he be dressing more freely and doing his hair different and all that? He's starting to accept himself and he just needs to continue and wrap up that journey in s5. He'll accept himself as queer, which is the root to a lot of his other mental health problems. Therefore, when he's able to finally stand back and see himself as he really is and learn to love himself the way Will loves him, he'll be able to address those other problems. His mental health will only improve from there. However, the addressing of those issues may be messy. I have no doubt that it may end in Mike's "death." He won't actually die (hopefully) but it will be a visual representation of how everything caught up to him, of how his lack of care for himself (but also his loyalty) ended up being the death of him because he would do anything for his friends and has little self regard. He'll die sacrificing himself for those he loves.

BUT THEN he comes back to life somehow because why tf wouldn't he? And gay love saves the day as always. Mike learns to love and accept himself, byler endgame happens, and they all live happily ever after THE END.

But anyway.

In summary, Mike must see a clear vision of the person he's been through the seasons to address his trauma, IH, and mental health issues. He needs to see how he's hurt those around him, but that he's also been hurt. He needs to feel compassion for himself and learn of his importance. In other words, he needs to see himself through Will's eyes. Will sees the true him at his full potential: loyal, a leader, compassionate, kind, funny, smart. He's really, genuinely, the heart. He's started to see that in the van, however, with the realization that Will lied about El commissioning the painting, he may start to doubt himself all over again. (One step forward, three steps back.) So, the confrontation of the painting must lead to Mike seeing himself through a separate lens. He must see himself through Will's eyes and see that it wasn't El's truth but Will's truth. He'll breakdown and this realization will lead to the acceptance of not only his love for Will but of himself as a whole and that hurt in him will slowly begin to heal.