#and having to choose not to act selfishly again and again Tumblr posts

[verved]

Deviant Connor and guilt go hand in hand but I usually see it focused on his past actions. The ones where he genuinely didn't have control over what he did. While maybe he personally might have trouble forgiving himself, in the end, he was just as tied down by programming as any other android, and it simply isn't fair for others to judge him harshly for that.

But what about a Connor that struggles to not act like a manipulative cunt even in deviancy? Where he can't help but analyze every microexpression, the details hidden in someone's appearance, the weaknesses in their character, and use it all to his advantage. Who will switch from considerate and friendly to intimidating and terrifying on the drop of a dime, scaring those close to him, because if he can do a full 180 effortlessly, what's to say the way he behaves towards them isn't an act too?

A Connor who, while governed by compassion and goodwill for his people, still struggles on a personal level because he can't help but read and play on the emotions of those around him to a frightening degree. Who constantly sees the clear ruthless line from point A to B and has to reign in the impulse to act on it. Who has to deal with this compounding guilt, because even if he has good intentions, why do all his actions feel so calculated and exploitative?

What kind of guilt comes from being able to look into someone's soul, know exactly how to break them, and have to consciously choose not to?

[luveline]

hi! i just remembered a scene from friends where chandler says to monica it's ok she's high maintenance cause he likes maintaining her and i think this is soooo spencer and bombshell!reader coded. you're ok with writing this as a request? love u jadey

ty (ily)!! fem!reader

Spencer’s feet ache dully with each step he takes, but you have your hand in his, and you’re pulling him along with a smile. Your smile could cure anything, he thinks stupidly. It’s completely outside of his beliefs, goes against every book on medicine he’s ever read. 

“Why are you frowning?” you ask, swinging his hand as you turn the corner together. 

“I’m not.” 

You step closer, arm stuck to his arm, nearly one body walking together against the summer breeze. “You’re frowning, Spence. You have a very obvious pout. It is so so cute.” You lean in to kiss him quickly, his heart turning to a pitter-patter under his ribs. 

“I’m tired,” he explains, not wanting you to think his bad mood has anything to do with you. 

“You’ve had a long day, that’s why. When we get back to your place I’ll give you an incredible foot massage and everything will be okay again.” 

“I don’t want a foot massage. My feet don’t even hurt,” he lies.

“Don’t bother.” You untangle your fingers from his and wave him away. “I know all your tells, baby boy,” —he laughs through a wrinkled nose— “nothing gets past me.” 

“Why’d you choose a dry cleaners so far from your apartment?” he asks. You could’ve picked the one beside work, which has a yellow pages worth of fantastic reviews. The one second closest to his place is new but raved about at length. This dry cleaners is nearly twenty-five blocks away.

“They do things exactly how I like it, I guess. I never have to worry about it when I give them my best clothes, and it’s kind of expensive if they were to accidentally ruin something, right?” You have expensive taste; you like things sturdy, fitted, and fashionable. 

“Do you think I should get someone to do my laundry?” he asks. 

“You can afford it. But maybe not. There’s nothing wrong with your own washing machine and a steamer.” You side eye him carefully. “Maybe I’m over the top.” 

“You’re high maintenance,” he agrees. “Is it expensive, getting your clothes dry cleaned all the time? I could pay for that.” 

“What? Why would you pay for it?” 

“‘Cos we’re together?” He’s more worried than dry about it. “I’d like to pay for your manicures and your hair, too, but I didn’t think you’d let me.”

“And I won’t… s’kind of nice you want to though. Really nice, um.” You’re blinking funny. “I think that’s more of a husband thing. You really want to pay for me to get manicures?” 

Spencer pays for lots of your stuff because he loves you. Good food mostly, but treats, clothes, anything he might think you’re interested in, actually. He likes to spoil you. You tend to spoil him back, if not with money then affection. “I like maintaining you.” 

You curl your arm through his. “That’s a funny way to say it.” 

He laughs at your obvious delight. “I like taking care of you,” he admits. “You like being high maintenance, it makes you happy, and I like making you happy.” 

“Thank you very much,” you say, softer now as your hand works up his neck and you turn his face to you, the sidewalk and the streetlines melting away under your warm touch. “You make me happier than you know.” 

His cheeks turn pink. He doesn’t need to see himself to confirm. It’s a high statistical probability. 

“Kiss?” you ask, voice still soft. 

Spencer walks you back nearer to the side of a building and out of the way, his hands at your neck and waist as he leans down just a touch to close your gap. He acts selfishly, perhaps, taking your hand from his face in order to hold yours in both of his without anything in the way of it. He kisses, he breathes you in, his head tilting more heavily to the side as the kiss lengthens, lingers. You’re like a flower in his hand, blooming slowly under the effects of a little heat. 

“What if you pay for my dry cleaning,” you begin, a smile evident in your voice though Spencer keeps his eyes closed. Tracing the hill of your cheek with his fingers just a moment longer. “And I pay for yours?” 

Spencer thumbs along your jaw. “I don’t want anything from you, just you.” 

“Well, what if I treat us to some Indian takeout tonight?” you ask. “Would you eat that? Or am I enough to sustain you, my love?” 

He could enjoy being taken care of in turn, he thinks. 

[ayakashiz]

Alien Stage R6 Analysis

VERY LONG compilation of my interpretations, impressions and unanswered questions about Round 6 of Alien Stage. I just wanted to write this to put all my thoughts in one place so I can finally rest (in pieces). TW for mentions of suic*de/suic*dal ideation.

The most debated is no doubt the kiss/choking scene and Ivan’s motivation for doing so in the first place. 

I think from the very beginning, even before R3, Ivan was planning to go out with a bang. That’s the immediate impression I got from the comic where he mocks/criticizes Sua for planning to “selfishly” die for Mizi and feel good being the “heroine” rather than having to deal with the trauma of being the one left behind. 

(I'm too lazy to edit the whole translation as of now, but might do so when I have more time.)

Ivan tells her how he’s “relieved that he’s not the only who’s that twisted” = He’s comparing himself to Sua. He thinks they’re both ‘twisted’ for planning to do the same thing, but from Ivan’s perspective, he at least isn’t fooling himself into thinking his motives are altruistic. He tasted the feeling of being ‘abandoned’, and he knows he doesn’t want to experience it twice. 

He also probably thought that his death wouldn’t be as impactful on Till as Sua’s death on Mizi, and therefore his own selfishness is more justified in his mind. This most likely plays a role in how cold and biting his words are towards Sua –he’s jealous of that difference between them.

I hadn’t noticed this detail the first time I watched the video: Not only did Till look absolutely miserable and defeated from the get go, but he completely gave up and stopped singing at some point. If you look at the video, we can hear the audio that was supposed to be sung, but Till is quiet and still, and THIS is the moment Ivan chooses to act.

Although they do not show the votes at that particular moment, stopping mid song would have definitely taken a hit to Till’s score as it’s basically forfeiting –a huge contrast to his previous match where he didn’t even let his opponent utter a single line.

In response, Ivan doesn’t just walk towards him but throws his microphone to the ground, explicitly forfeiting as well in order to then pull a drastic move like it was foreshadowed in his interview.

The kiss itself imo was the less calculated/arguably unplanned part. He could have just choked Till from the start and it would have gotten him the same if not better results (since it was the act of violence against another contestant that ultimately lowered his score and got the counter to stop). 

That kiss was authentic and for himself entirely, both as a last desperate attempt at conveying his feelings and a selfish way of leaving a strong impression on Till that he wouldn’t be able to forget (a hypocritical move going back to how he criticized Sua). In that sense, I don’t think Ivan was seriously trying to take Till down with him –although that’s up to interpretation. As I see it, that would contradict his actions up until that point.

Till was VERY CLEARLY suic*dal (once again, he gave up singing), and after the initial shock of Ivan squeezing his neck, this fiery, rebellious man who is KNOWN to fight tooth and nail, simply closed his eyes and relaxed his body, waiting for Ivan to end him without fighting at all. 

The thing is, no matter how suic*dal one may be, the fighting response when being actually suffocated is automatic and completely involuntary. People mention there not being marks on Till’s neck but I think the most telling sign is him not going red, not squirming, not struggling or holding onto Ivan’s wrists (again, expected involuntary responses), his eyes not watering or having blurry vision while we see Ivan from his POV, not opening his mouth even a little to gasp for air and not coughing or gasping either when he was finally released.

Ivan definitely had him in a strong grip, might have even made him a bit lightheaded, but the reason why Till could look so relaxed in the first place is because he had given up and was waiting for Ivan to go ahead. If his closed eyes and limp posture were due to the choking itself, he would have fallen or stumbled when being let go, but we see that his eyes open as soon as he feels Ivan’s hands slipping away and he looks shocked instead.

So then what was Ivan’s motivation, if not to kill him? Yes, there’s the already discussed plan to get himself disqualified. But Ivan glances at the screen only a few seconds after he starts the choking, confirming that the voting had in fact stopped with Till having the higher score. He then goes for one last ‘goodbye’ kiss before continuing to choke him, holding his grip even as he starts getting shot.

We see a closeup of him, his eyes and hands trembling, looking more frustrated/emotional than in Till’s first POV where he looks rather stoic. It makes me think that the reason he refused to let go was simply because he wanted Till to look at him. 

They strongly imply throughout the whole video that being annoying or mean or violent was the only way Ivan learnt how to make Till focus his full attention on him, but now even as he’s threatening his life, even as he himself is dying, even after that kiss, Till wouldn’t look. 

It took him getting fatally wounded and realizing there was no turning back to reach a state of acceptance. His bittersweet expression here reminds me A LOT of his smile after Till runs back during the meteor scene, although this one seems a lot more tender. He seems to accept the fact that Till will never love him back, but Ivan cannot stop loving him anyways and he at least got to put his feelings out there. 

(The parallels here are driving me insane. The way there is light in his eyes in both instances as he looks at Till even while 'losing him' in a way. The struggle between wanting to posses him yet realizing his free spirit/strong will is part of what he loves about him. That last genuine gaze from a character who spent his whole life putting on a mask. Yes I am very normal about this.)

Until then, Ivan’s more tender/vulnerable side is only shown while Till is unconscious or looking away.

(That soft, loving nuzzle to Till's face has me in SHAMBLES.)

But ironically, it’s only when he releases him and shows him this vulnerability without a mask that Till really looks at him for the first time. I’d go as far as to say that it was this moment, and not the kiss, that finally made Till understand Ivan’s feelings. And in turn Ivan gets that little shot of euphoria as he falls to the ground.

Going back to the survivor’s guilt… I can only imagine it’ll go completely downhill for Till from now on. Not only does he already think Mizi might be dead and is angry at himself that he couldn’t save her (as seen in the shot where he punches his own picture), but now he has most likely realized that Ivan intentionally fumbled their match for his sake –which would lead to the realization that he was the reason why Ivan chose to run back to Anakt Garden after him in the first place, and that choice ultimately lead to his death. 

Even though we see them fighting a lot as children through the videos and comics, it’s also implied that they were always together and they shared some quiet moments –the “Mizi didn’t play with you, I played with you” art, all that art of the main 4 playing together, those bright smiles as they ran away together during the meteor shower scene and Till looking so guilty when he let go of his hand. 

There are a few cute doodles of them for those who are on Patreon, and some more lore in the Anakt Garden kit –so they were at the very least friends in their own way (as best as 2 very traumatized and abused children could), constantly fighting and making up. Which God… it shows that despite appearances Till must have actually had the patience of a saint when they were little lmao.

But what I’m trying to say is that despite what Ivan may have thought, his death will most definitely have an impact on Till and the narrative going forward, and I’m excited to find out how that reflects in the final round (if the resistance doesn’t manage to get back up in time to disrupt it). 

Despite how much I adored (and SUFFERED WITH) this round, I still have MANY questions that were left unanswered, both about Ivan and Till, and the lore in general, and I wonder if there’ll be time to answer them all, as I can imagine the next MV will be focused on Luka’s perspective, the only one we haven’t been presented with.

One of the most pressing questions being: What’s the relationship between Ivan and that alien dog? Did he tame it? It is implied that it was Ivan who somehow led Till and Mizi to it in the first place in that one scene, and if so I wonder what his motivation was? Normally jealousy would be the first thing to come to mind but Ivan wasn’t interested in Till until AFTER he saw him stand up to the beast to protect Mizi, so it couldn’t have been that. 

This is something that was also teased on Patreon and I was looking forward to the explanation on the MV, but it never came, and now Ivan is dead, so the next video will most likely not be too concerned with his backstory any longer. (Which, also, I was really curious about his life in the slums before being captured, auctioned and brought to Anakt, as that would have played a huge role in his twisted personality/dark tendencies –once again teased on Patreon very briefly, but not explained beyond that frame of him looking famished.)

The second is, how is Ivan able to open Till’s collar/muzzle so easily? This is a question I’ve been having since R3, but chalked it up to Ivan being sneaky and figuring out some kind of code to the cell door and that somehow automatically deactivating the locks on the restraints… or something. But with how many times he does it in R6 with just a touch it’s very clear that that isn’t the case and also imo they’re trying to point this out as a significant detail. 

It may turn out that I’m just looking too much into it, but I find it really curious and interesting. Not only is he the only child without a collar (Mizi and Sua still had them despite being just as well behaved as him), but he seems to be the only one able to take them off –or at least Till’s. I’m pretty sure the children wouldn’t normally be able to remove them by themselves as it seems to be a control mechanism. So how can Ivan? This might explain a lot about how they were able to escape, and also add a layer of tragedy knowing that Ivan could have chosen to escape by himself at any point, but refused to leave Till behind.

Last but not least there’s all the human experimentation Till was subjected to, which was the main topic of the teaser and we see the same images show up in the very beginning of the MV. They help emphasize Till’s suffering and distressed state of mind, but then they’re never expanded on or mentioned at all for the rest of the video. That’s a huge piece of lore that I also hope isn’t forgotten.

I mean, I really doubt it will. So far VIVINOS & co. have been incredible with their ability to hold back information and release it at the moment where it’s the most impactful, which is refreshing to see. So I trust we’ll get some answers eventually. 

Really curious to know why they would experiment on an ALNST contestant in the first place, especially one that is undoubtedly talented and described as a musical genius (aka. has good odds of doing well on stage and earning the segyein revenue). A very plausible theory might just be that he was just getting constantly drugged to make him less of a threat/more submissive –like we see on the karaoke room scene. But it might as well be something bigger.

As for my expectations for the next round… I’m still just trying to process this one, as you can see by the sheer amount of text. There are many things left to address, and the Hyuna/Luka confrontation has been strongly teased. I wonder also, if the round goes on without interruption, what would Luka’s strategy against Till be? Would he go for provocation again, trying to imitate Mizi/hint to his recent trauma with Ivan? It probably won’t be that simple.

I mean, VIVINOS has been known for subverting our expectations with each round:

The ominous/callous framing that was given to Ivan by the end of Black Sorrow and the art that followed, making us suspicious of his intentions, only to have him die for love. The lifeless/doll-like framing given to Luka, vulnerable and cornered by flashing lights, only to have him be the cruelest/most calculating one (that we know so far). The rebellious, rowdy, willing to do anything to survive framing given to Till, only to have his fighting spirit completely break and willingly waiting to die by Ivan’s hands. The naive, complacent and passive image given to Mizi, only to have her snap, beat the shit out of Luka and join the rebellion –and with how things are going (and her being the protagonist) I wouldn’t be surprised if she, and not Hyuna (the one who was framed as the most strong and reliable, giving us a false sense of security going into R6), is who will have to try and rescue Till (and Luka???).

There are still a ton of things that keep me awake at night about R6 –my favorite character dying aside. I could talk about it forever, but I’ll leave it here. 

Feel free to share your theories, delusions, interpretations or any detail I might have missed with me. God knows we need group therapy after this as the cute chibi keychains can only heal us so far. Thanks for reading my rambles if you made it this far. :’)

[nottsbitch]

My Star- Theo Nott

Harry potter au singer girlfriend X theo nott Italics are flashbacks

✩✩✩✩

"June it's almost time for you to go on"

Since you were younger you had always known that you wanted to be famous. Whether it came from acting in front of a camera or singing on stage. While most people thought that was an out-of-touch dream you knew it was exactly what you wanted.

"I'm almost ready!" That was a lie.

You weren't ready. Tonight was the last show of your first tour and you were supposed to be excited but for some unknown reason, you couldn't be. Of course, that reason wasn't actually unknown.

Your long-term boyfriend, Theo, had been your biggest supporter and your biggest inspiration. You were so blindly in love that every milestone in your relationship had become a song.

Your first song that took off was called "Spring into Summer" which you wrote after your first fight.

"All I'm saying is you could've told me. You know gave me a warning instead of me being blindsided when my friends are texting me telling me that they see my girlfriend out to lunch with her ex-boyfriend who she told me stopped bothering her." In all of their relationship June had never seen her boyfriend this upset before.

She went to try and explain herself but before you could get her mouth open Theo was talking again.

"You know I love you but when you do things like this I have to wonder if you feel the same way about me."

A shot to the heart was all that June felt.

"Theo... Don't say that." You paused "You know I love you"

"So you have a good reason for why you were with your ex?" You stayed silent. "That's what I thought"

With that your boyfriend stormed out with a slam of a door leaving you with his scent and your thoughts.

That night you wrote the lyrics

"If I could jump into the past I'd only change one thing, I'd never hurt you first, I'd never let you leave"

Your next song that blew up was called "So American" and once again your boyfriend was the center of that one. This one was written about your first day all those years ago.

"So you're saying that every morning you wake up and choose to eat beans on toast?" Maybe not the best thing to say on a first date but you were so stunned you couldn't hold that in.

"You're so American and it's showing. Yes, I wake up and eat this." He muttered while chuckling "And yes I enjoy it very much."

After breakfast, you guys walked London getting to know each other. And when you were getting dropped off back at your aunt and uncle's house Theo handed you flowers he had bought just moments before and kissed your cheek. Once inside you quickly whipped your phone out texting your best friend:

"Oh god I'm gonna marry him if he keeps this shit up"

"So it went good then?"

"He laughed at all my jokes"

After many years together and many songs written, He had become a safe place for you. When you decided that you were going to go on tour Theo was almost as excited as you. Swearing that he would be at every show. But when his mom got sick he had to take a flight home missing over half the tour, and you couldn't be upset. But in moments like the one you were currently in you selfishly wish that your boyfriend could be right there with you.

"Okay, June you've got this. It's just the biggest show you've ever played. Don't let this psych you out." You looked a little crazy talking to yourself in the mirror like that but that was the least of your worries.

"Wow, Lucky Star. I haven't seen you for a few weeks and you're going crazy, Talking to yourself and all. Should we have you checked out?" Theo had been standing behind you for longer then you had noticed and decided that he should make himself known.

You turned around hopping out of your chair knocking it over in the process as you ran to your boyfriend. You jumped into his calming arms in silence just to make sure this was real.

"what are you doing here?" You uttered just loud enough for him to hear

"You think I would miss your last show?" He raised his eyebrows, smirking, like something was funny.

"what about your mom?"

"She'll be fine for a night although she wishes she could be here" He set you down moving his hands from your waist to your face "Enough about me how do you feel?"

No matter how long they had been dating he never failed to make your heart flutter.

"I'm a little bit nervous"

"I brought you something maybe this can help you calm down" He pulled something out of his pocket

"A keychain?"

He rolled his eyes "Flip it over"

YOU ARE MY LUCKY STAR

"Just so you never forget" He started quickly noticing the tears forming in your eyes "Don't cry you just got your makeup done. What youre gonna do is go out there and kill it like you always do"

✩✩✩✩

"Send her up" You heard in your earpiece as you started getting raised to the stage.

As you came into view all you could hear was cheers.

"Hi! Everyone!"

Cheers

"Thank you all for coming tonight. I know most shows I've stayed true to my setlist but tonight we're gonna switch it up a little bit. As most of you know most of my songs are written about my lovely boyfriend Theodore Nott."

You paused while everyone cheered as you put your guitar on

"Well, he's here tonight for the first show in a little bit so I'm gonna sing his favorite song I've written about him... So this one is called So High School."

With that, you started playing your guitar as the crowd got silent. Looking over to the VIP tent you saw your boyfriend smiling at you with his phone out recording like a proud mother.

"I feel so high school every time I look at you"

✩✩✩✩

[tenebrius-excellium]

Thinking about how Hiccup had zero problems with killing the Red Death in the first movie. Reminds me of how surprised I was that every movie and show afterwards chose to characterize him as this sort of 'naive pacifist' guy. Hiccup was NEVER that. At least first movie Hiccup wasn't, so I keep being surprised they went there.

Viggo said at the end of Rtte that Hiccup taught him to respect dragons as equals, I believe? But that means that there are hateful dragons. Revengeful dragons. Harmful dragons. Asshole dragons. Which means that not every dragon should live, if they are that kind of smart and capable of attacking humans again and again.

If they have a personality, they can be like orcas, who sink ships for fun. They can have destructive feuds with each other. They can be like cats knocking glasses off of counters and like roosters having it in for someone in particular. If dragons are equal to humans, then they cannot be trained to do humans' bidding because they are above that. They can only be genuinely befriended. A dragon will choose to lower its innate dragon-ness - the wild and dangerous ability to roast you with a single breath - and act docile for you if it likes you. Sort of like a crow? But a dragon is not a pet, at least that's not how I understood the Httyd dragons. Which means, that if it comes down to it - Hiccup versing a dragon that is standing between him and the humans he loves - a dragon who won't be talked down, who won't be persuaded to be peaceful, a dragon who greedily insists on its power in a situation that endangers Hiccup's loved ones - I think Hiccup totally would still choose to kill that dragon. Somehow, this confrontation was avoided throughout all the rest of Httyd.

Thinking about this specifically in the context of wasps being on my mind. This summer, I decided that I'm not going to be afraid of wasps anymore. And so when watching them as they steal my breakfast from me, I find that they, too, just want to eat because they just discovered a delicious feast. They don't want to sting me, they are only interested in having a bite of my delicious marmalade as well. Now, when trying to handle them, wasps are going to be wasps. So I've simply got to finish my breakfast as long as there is only 1 wasp buddy around. As soon as buddy goes flying off to tell his friends about the party he found, I leave and take my stuff with me. That is how I avoid getting myriades of wasps all over my food. That is how I avoid getting stung out of irritation. That is how no wasps get killed.

By respecting the nature of who wasps are. By assuming that wasps are going to be wasps. Now, I can still say that I shared my breakfast with an animal. Cycle of life. Isn't that wonderful.

But if a wasp starts invading my space too much, selfishly annoying me again and again despite getting its share of the cake, that wasp is going to get GONE. And I believe that dragons of intelligence should be treated with the same courtesy. Og Hiccup did that.

Og Hiccup is just the best. He's very perfect.

[yes-these-obsessions-are-healthy]

It’s been discussed before yes yes yes but the fact that in Trespasser Solas declines your Lavellan from joining him because he doesn’t her want to see what he will become.

a) All Lavellan knows is the moral, ethical, and principled Solas, the Solas who acts defensively and practically. Solas has and will act/order others to act in such a way that would break many Geneva conventions if it means succeeding, and he doesn’t want to test Lavellan’s love for him by making her bear witness to that, to choose him when she has no idea the true cost of what she is demanding, not only of herself, but of the world that will be ravaged by all of the terrorism and political maneuverings meant to destabilize and destroy the only world she has ever known. There is nothing more heart-breaking than someone you love forsaking you, to reach that limit one has for another. But equally so, Solas does not want to be in the position where he may be left with the choice between choosing Lavellan or his mission. What he will become may just be a man that would sacrifice her for his plans. He will not let her potentially put her heart on the line like that.

b) He doesn’t want to make her a monster that participates or allows such things, because part of the reason he fell in love with her was because of her goodness. It wouldn’t be difficult to groom her into evil if love was added to the mix. Love can compel you to do terrible things for the sake of a loved one, and Solas does not want to take advantage of her in that way, does not even want to have that temptation or that possibility involved. He is distancing himself to avoid accidentally corrupting the nature of what he believes to be a good, pure spirit. Evil inevitably poisons goodness. The Evil he wields is utilitarian and remorseful and necessary but evil all the same because it will do harm to thousands via the removal of the Veil. The man is planning what is potential omnicide. You cannot participate in that and not have something about you change irrevocably to allow it to happen. Solas, again, thinks of Lavellan as a good spirit. He wants to keep as many “good-spirited people” (kind, good people) intact as possible before he executes his plan. Why, I do not know, but I suppose because he believes that possessing a good spirit means your life will be happier. To be good is to exist well, and as Solas explains, to be good of heart means you will attract good spirits in the Fade and thus your experience in the Fade will be more pleasant, so by this logic he believes that, ideally (strictly ideally, he knows how much reality does not reflect ideals), goodness begets goodness begets peace.

Solas needs to be a monster because truly effective warfare is conducted when principles and ethics are thrown out the window. He does not want Lavellan to witness that and be confirmed in how much of a monster he was, is, and is willing to be. He wants her to remember him as a civilian, as Solas the humble apostate, not Fen’Harel the shadowed and conniving guerrilla war general. Selfishly, he wants her to only love a part of him, the best parts of him, because he is afraid of the whole of him being rejected, because who he is in totality is so storied and convoluted and repugnant that it would require the most extreme cognitive dissonance to be able to love him, and if there is anything Solas hates, it’s people who ignore reality in favor of their own self-serving fantasies. Lavellan would be right to disavow him, and by the same token it would be so terribly selfish of them both if she forgave him of his crimes and he accepted that forgiveness, because his sins cannot be absolved with a single individual’s love. That is the tragedy of their love, because love cannot overcome all that has happened. It cannot redeem or wipe away what he has done, not unless he kills a significant part of who he is, the Ancient Elf, the Rebel, the Failure, the Veil Maker, the Doomer of the World.

[arttrashking]

in the heaven emperors au, if they did end up splitting up (I'd imagine given Wukong's rank it'd be more separation the full on legal divorce), would Wukong ever reach a point in is grief that he'd say "fuck it" and hand over his position to Azure and go back home to be with Macaque? would Macaque take him back? if so, would it be immediantly or would he make Wukong grovel and make him re-court him in order to "earn back his love?

love your au!!!! <3

Since asks like this are why I’m now officially gonna include a divorce arc with this au-

I adore this question bc of how much it is something I’d ask myself to be sure it’s a direction I want.

Wukong does NOT want a divorce and would do anything and everything to prevent an officially legal and cultural divorce from occurring. He doesn’t want either to be recognized as divorced in eyes of law nor demon customs.

Which is where Macaque’s stubbornness and intellect would hit him because he’d settle for a separation then, and Wukong can’t stop him from leaving him in the heavenly realm to be separated knowing Wukong has to be there to keep things running as emperor.

I do think he’d eventually reach a point where he truly can’t stand being without Macaque after some time since I DO give him reasons why he’s been so against giving up the throne that aren’t just his pride or any of that- yes part of it is he doesn’t want all the fighting he did for this to be for nothing- but he’s also very aware the brotherhood would likely blame Macaque if he stepped down and be angry with him for ‘manipulating’ Wukong into giving up such a powerful position. He at this point has started to notice how unwelcome he is to the brotherhood and he doesn’t want Macaque blamed for something Wukong would absolutely selfishly choose if it means keeping Macaque in his life-

Another reason is he’s not willing to trust Azure anymore now that he’s noticed more things- he’s noticed how Azure’s kindness is off to him (think like in villainess manwhas when the rival acts sweet and innocent but you can tell she’s pretending to be that to manipulate her image) and with a separation from Macaque he’s now very aware how Azure is closing in trying to see if Wukong is willing to have another spouse now- so he absolutely DOES NOT trust the lion anymore and even kinda starting to resent Azure since this was his plan and all.

Skipping past the mounts of drama imma sprinkle in when I have the motivation- it would take a long time of Macaque testing, toying, and trying to have Wukong prove himself again and that he’d never pull something like that again as well as opening up to him more than he’s ever done after he’s reflected some of his own faults in their relationship. I don’t plan to have Mac completely innocent, where’s the fun in that?

[ssentimentals]

joshua + first morning together

usually it doesn't take long for joshua to fall asleep, most of the times he's in morpheus arms the second his head hits the pillow. but this night is different and even when tiredness succumbs him to sleep, he stays wide awake, alert as he's never been before. your chest rises and falls steadily; you are probably seeing a very nice dream if smile on your lips is anything to go by. joshua selfishly hopes he is there, in your dream. hopes he is the reason of your smile even in your sleep.

this situation is a bit surreal to him. you know when you waited so long for something to happen, longed for it, ached for it with all your heart - that when it does happen you just kind of stay in complete disbelief? this is what joshua feels watching your sleeping form on his bed. he cautiously reaches out to your hand and his heart stops somewhere in his throat, when your fingers immediately wrap around his. even in your sleep you are choosing to hold on to him. even in your sleep you gravitate towards him, your body inclined to his side more - how can he sleep if you are like that? how is he supposed to close his eyes and miss this view? how can he stop thinking of what it means to both of you? he spent whole night lost in his thoughts, in assumptions that when sunlight illuminates your room, joshua only blinks in surprise, shocked by how quickly the time passed. you frown a little at the brightness and his first instinct is to stand up and close the blinds but that would require letting go of your hand and he hesitates, looking at your joined fingers. he doesn't like it, the whole letting go thing. if he could, joshua would have held your hands all the time; until he'd have memorized all the little bumps and tiny scars on your skin, until he'd be able to recoginize your hand from the million others. joshua gently caresses your skin with his thumb and thinks he can write thousands of poems on this feeling, on the tenderness of your skin, on the warmth of your palm, on how your fingers fill the slots between his so perfectly well-

'josh?' you mumble, squinting a little. your voice is hoarse from the sleep and you clear it out, trying again: 'josh?'

'i'm here,' he answers quietly. with his free hand he reaches out and smoothes your hair lovingly. 'it's too early, bub, go back to sleep.'

it seems like you have other plans, cause you turn around and move, making him let go of your hand. joshua thinks it's a bit humilating how he instantly misses the feel of it. is it okay to be so..so into you? doesn't that make him weak? less of a man if he is that whipped? sometimes he starts thinking about it but then you do something - anything at all - like smile at him or kiss him and these thoughts fly out of the window. he'd gladly be considered weak if it means he can have you like that.

'why are you awake?' you grumble, fighting to get your legs out of the blanket. joshua's heart stammers as you move close, closer - until you are practically cuddled up to his side. 'have you even slept?'

'i-' he starts and promptly forgets all the words when you lift your leg and put it on top of his like it's the most natural thing in the world. 'um.'

lack of answer makes you look up and squint at him. you take a good look of his too awake eyes and a growing suspicion starts to form in your head: 'you have slept this night, haven't you? don't tell me that you were awake all this time.' when joshua only looks at you sheepishly, you groan loudly: 'oh my god, josh, why? were you not comfortable? is my mattress too hard? i'm so sorr-'

'no,' he instantly interrupts, gathering you in his arms. usually he's hesitant with his affections towards you, but nothing makes him act bold as you thinking that you did something wrong or the need to calm you down. 'no-no, princess, i just had a lot on my mind. don't be sorry.'

pet name and his cuddles make you smile and you nuzzle your head into his chest, hearing his steady heartbeat underneath. 'a lot on your mind?' you yawn, stubbornly trying to shake off remnants of your dreams. 'what could possibly have you staying up all night?'

with you in his arms, it's easier to be honest, easier to shake off the mask and just be himself. he leans in, places small kiss on top of your head and wraps his arms around you tighter. 'i was thinking of you,' he replies sincerely, having nothing to hide.

he can tell that you're trying to look up but find it hard to do so because of the angle, so he moves you both until you're laying side to side, facing each other. sleep is not gone from your eyes and he coos at the way you try to stay present for him. 'is that what i do to you? make you lose your sleep, hm?'

it's meant to be a joke or at least a teasing, but joshua replies seriously, tucking one hair strand behind your ear: 'you don't know half of the things you do to me.'

at that your eyes fly open, more awake than they've been before. joshua meets your eyes readily, holding eye contact for as long as you need to understand the meaning behind his words. he can tell that you are searching for something and he hopes you find there his desire to wake up like that every day. to have these kind of mornings with you forever. to have the opportunity to hold you like this, to not sleep because he's too busy staring at you and coming with terms that he can now have this. these nights, these mornings - he can now have them al.

'good things, i hope?' you ask, cuddling closer until tips of your noses touch.

joshua huffs, smiling. 'the best things, bub.'

you smile, content. 'now can we go back to sleep? let's wake up at a normal time like normal people do.' joshua nods, reaching out for the blanket to cover you both, when you stop him: 'no, too hot, leave it.'

'oh,' joshua drops the blanket and also starts to extract himself from your arms, thinking that hugging would also make you uncomfortable in this temperature, but you stop him here as well, frowning. 'you said it's too hot-'

'for the blanket, but not for you,' it's clear that you are losing patience with him not getting what you want and you wanting to sleep. 'c'mon, hold me close, hug me.' when he does as instructed you sigh, satisfied. 'that's it. and never let go.'

joshua tighens his hold on you, swallowing hard. if only you knew that given the chance, he'd never let you go. he kisses your forehead and mutters: 'i won't. sleep tight, love. i'll wake you up for the breakfast.'

you don't reply, already dead to the world and he only chuckles affectionately. 'i love you,' he whispers into your hair before finally also closing his eyes and succumbing into the sleep.

a/n: i think i hurt myself with this one, so why not let you all cry with me too :') - nini

check out my other works here and i think my tag list is rather old, so if you want to be added, let me know! <3

[gale-dekarios]

I think Gale is a touchy feely person who needs to keep his hands on the Tav whilst they make love. He's gotta believe they're real, that they're with him, that it isn't a hallucination or a dream. He strokes their hair, he plants kisses along their neck where the heartbeat is strongest, and feels their breath against his shoulder. Even the simplest act of fingering or stroking them is a way to know they're truly in front of him. Tasting their arousal just to have evidence of their existence. He loves knowing that this is his newfound life. His new purpose. His new reason to live and not give up so easily as he almost had. Mystra wanted him to die for her. Tav wanted him to live for himself. So forgive him if he constantly needs the littlest of reminders to know Tav is truly real, and not just a hopeful dream.

retrospective edit: hi im charlie and welcome to my tedtalk. 50/50 on whether or not any of this makes sense, because i did in fact pop 9mg (prescribed) sleeping aides a half hour before writing this, so i could wake up tomorrow and realise this was all gibberish. or maybe not! i should not be the judge of that rn

regardless of how you or your character feels about the line, i truly believe that gale believes that tav/his romantic partner is a god/dess, and it's the things like this that cement it for me.

when you think about it, (traditional) worship is very much devoting your life to a diety, and receiving some benefit back, which could really be a range of things from feeling comforted and secure about your place in the world, to moreso your clerics with actual divine gifts bestowed upon them, to chosen, like gale, who, (at least in his case) gets to kind of... tap into the wellspring of that god's domain and understand it more than any other mortal could.

this type of devotion is even purer than his devotion to mystra. the reason being is that whilst i dont believe gale ever was devoted to mystra for nefarious self-serving purposes, it would be remiss to gloss over that he did enjoy certain luxuries that he wouldnt have if he wasnt so close to his goddess, and whilst tav offers a lot more than mystra ever could both emotionally and in the service to him living an actually good and normal enriched life, this doesnt translate to any practical benefit that could compare to a literal deity -- (clumsily worded, but again, in this case im referring more to endless knowledge and immense mastery over the weave and recognition of status among his peers rather than curling up on the couch companionably).

which is to say -- i promise there's a point -- a tav, in all of their mortalness, that gale truly worships, with all of his devotion (which is a lot, he practised), must be very special for him indeed.

so gale gets ""nothing"" in return for the same if not a higher level of devotion than he ever shows mystra (i mean, when it literally comes down to it, he completely ignores her, an actual literal goddess's, direct orders bc you asked him to, so theres no doubt who wins that particular fight.) BUT -- and this is the point that i promised -- the real clincher here is that tav ASKS for nothing. well, again, not in the way that a deity asks for something. a deity asks a devotee to give them their life, what tav asks for is that gale HAS his life to do with what he chooses, and for that, gale chooses tav.

devotion, with gale and tav, is both freely given, but also freely taken. not selfishly, but in acceptance. gale had no choice, really, but to follow mystra's orders, but he followed tav anyway. how does that make tav anything less than a deity? that level of blind faith? tav accepting gale's devotion by virtue of just loving him is such a beautifully mundane piece of godhood, and comparing that to something as shallow as the ambition mystra offered is like comparing night and day.

so of course gale treats tav like he caught lightning in a bottle. he spent his whole life in the service to a goddess, devoting his whole life for the celestial equivalent of breadcrumbs -- as awesome (and i use that word as its original meaning) as godly power can be, nothing that was ever given to him truly cost mystra any real exertion -- but with tav, there is no expectation of exchange, only the full weight of one man's worship, and that is what would cause gale to treat them like an illusion. of course it does. gods that ask for nothing but for you to do the things that are in your best interest are not a thing. but tav does exactly that. how wonderful is that? how pure is that? is there truer devotion? so unmarred by any external benefit?

touching divinity is something that gale's had the extraordinary luck of having twice, but that does not make those experiences equal. his deity, that allows him to run his hands through their hair, to kiss their eyelids, and yes, indeed to also have desperate, sweaty, mortal sex with, without ever once asking for anything in return except that he remain whole and healthy? by fucking god will he make sure this is real.

[galene-gothic]

𝖠𝗅𝗅 𝖺𝖻𝗈𝗎𝗍 𝗒𝗈𝗎𝗋 𝗇𝖾𝗑𝗍 𝗈𝗋 𝖼𝗎𝗋𝗋𝖾𝗇𝗍 𝗌𝗂𝗀𝗇𝗂𝖿𝗂𝖼𝖺𝗇𝗍 𝖼𝗈𝗇𝗇𝖾𝖼𝗍𝗂𝗈𝗇

୧ ‧₊˚ ⋅* ‧₊ I hope this reading found you in good health, every reblog is appreciated and thank you for everything :) ˖♡ ˎˊ˗ ꒰ 🐇 ꒱

˗ˏˋ༻ʚ♡︎ɞ༺ˎˊ˗             PAID SERVICES

︎︎⊹ ! 🪡︎ Pile 1 ꒱

Your current or next significant connection is going to be a situationship, I wanted to read only relationships but this situationship came through very strongly so I’m just going to interpret this for you. They’re someone who feeds off of social and romantic attention with no intention of committing. They’re someone who’s mean and only cares about themself. They lack self awareness. They’re someone who feels like everyone blames them unfairly, this is funny because they’ll be the one victim blaming and gaslighting you. If you have a narcissistic mother or an unhealthy relationship with your mother, this person is going to be similar to your mother, even if you do not realise it when you’re with them, after things end, you’ll notice similarities. They’re a know-it-all and act like they’re all that but in reality, they are crippling with insecurities. They’ll not be focused on you and they’ll be giving you just enough to keep you in their life (probably just empty promises or a few sweet moments here and there). I hate to say this like this but this frustrates me. This person clearly doesn’t deserve you, they won’t even be able to fulfil your basic needs. ‘Vampire’ by Olivia Rodrigo is how this situation is going to turn out for you. I’m not even sure as to why you’ll be sticking with them, they’ll literally put in no effort and show no passion. They’ll be possessive and territorial over you.

However, they’ll not treat you right because they’ll not find you good enough to commit to. Also, you’ll be letting a lot slide so they’ll continue mistreating you because you keep on allowing it. They’ll be really critical of you and take a lot from you, completely drain you out but won’t give you even the slightest amount of respect. They’ll be bread-crumbing you, giving you just enough attention and appreciation to not lose you completely but will never give you what you deserve and require. You’ll convince yourself that you’re satisfied because of the affection and attachment that you’ll feel towards them. This is so major, they’ll teach you enough common sense, discernment and self respect to never let someone like them into your life again. They’ll be someone really arrogant and a show-off. At some point, you’ll literally feel abused (could be anything emotionally, physically, mentally). They’ll say something and treat you as if you’re an object and not a person at all. They’ll act very selfishly and make everything about themself. You’ll be forced to leave people behind, your social life will be dying and you’ll be going through a really lonely time, they’ll make you feel really shitty. You’ll have forgiven them many times already by then but they’ll still be leaving you in a position where you have to watch everything you say just so you can avoid fights.

You’ll start feeling a lot of guilt towards yourself for putting up with such poor treatment. You’ll start regretting them. They’ll start feeling like a bag of stress to you and you’ll see the opportunity to move on without regrets and you’ll take it. A lot of uncertainty is going to be involved in the situation but you’ll choose your integrity and feelings above that person so you’ll feel like it’s only fair if you get away. Your nervous system and mental state will be all over the place at that time so the fact that you’re choosing yourself is very admirable. You’ll think that it’s just ‘cause and effect’, they treated you like shit so you walked away. They’ll treat you so bad that you’ll feel like you can basically survive anything. After leaving them behind, you’ll feel like you’re already over the worst. You’ll learn a lot of life lessons from the situation. Things will collapse completely but you’ll be left with a chance to build something completely new. The way you’ll remember them is “I survived them”. This connection will be very important as you’ll stop wanting to involved in such situations. Due to how they’ll treat you, you will also be kind of defensive at times (when involved with them) but you’ll always apologise when you feel like you’ve done something wrong and try to make things better but they won’t have it in them to do the same thing. You’ll be very understanding with them and will try to be there for them through hardships but they’ll be nowhere to be found when you need them. You’ll learn and grow from this, take care and all love.

︎︎⊹ ! 🪡︎ Pile 2 ꒱

Your next partner is someone who’s patient, practical and responsible. They’re also someone who really values loyalty. They’re ambitious and persistent. They’re someone who works hard and likely has a strict routine. They’re very reliable but yeah once they get angry, it’s a bit of a show. They’re very stubborn too. They have a lot of responsibilities and stress in their life though. They work very hard and push themself to the limits. They can be over ambitious and burn themself out though. They take a lot onto themself and work under a lot of pressure. They’re also very serious about their goals. They’ll be very intentional in regards to you, they’ll be focused on you, there’s something about you that just inspires them and hypes them up. They’ll be determined to overcome any obstacles when it comes to you, they’ll be willing to work hard for your relationship. They’ll see how desirable you are and they’ll express it to you, they’ll make you feel like the most desirable person on earth. They’ll understand your thirst for knowledge, for experiences and they’ll think that you’re something on a different level. They’ll be interested in figuring out the deepest parts of you, in uncovering your deepest fears and darkest secrets. They’ll be truly tender with you and that’s exactly what you’ll want, someone who is willing to listen to you and take care of you. They’ll be affectionate and will try to be there for you. They’ll write love letters for you and send you romantic messages. They’ll be sensitive to your needs and kinda treat you like a kid. They’ll also act kind of childish and playful around you. They’ll have a very big crush on you.

Also, it will be very difficult for them to contain it. They’re going to admire your beauty and you’ll be able to catch them all flustered. Like the energy will just speak volumes about how they feel towards you. There will be an electric current between the both of you and also a strong psychic connection/ communication. The moment they’ll enter a room, they’ll look around for you. They’ll treat you the way an admirer treats one he or she admires. The dynamic between the both of you will include a lot of stimulation but you won’t be able to give up the craving for more. You’ll feel so passionate and excited regarding each other. You’ll act really youthful and childlike with one another. You’ll be fearless which will lead to you being reckless. You’ll also be really childlike with one another. Before the both of you even date, there’ll be a lot of impatience surrounding the situation for the both of you. You will just want to rush into things and most of you are going to do it. This relationship is going to interrupt with your plans. There’s something about the both of you being a power couple but still very incompatible. The chemistry between the both of you is going to fog your incompatibility though, you’ll still compliment each other regardless of your incompatibility. You’ll make bad decisions in this relationship but through each other, you’ll find different passions. You’ll learn more about yourselves. You’ll be loyal to them but you’re going to act obsessed with them. You’ll also let your mental health get the best of you. You’re going to be quite secretive about a lot regarding yourself and it could prove to be a setback in some way.

You won’t even be able to resist them though and it’ll be the same way with them, but you could end up using their irresistibility towards you against them if you aren’t careful. Frankly, you could end up acting really manipulative towards them. There might be something about them that will trigger you and you’ll hate-love them. You will meet them at a time where you’re processing a lot of anger and resentment or they’ll just make you tick off for some reason. They’ll feel like there’s a lot of trouble between the both of you. The way you’ll be acting will cause them to start thinking negatively because you’ll just shatter their dreams of you. They’ll feel like they have to make a decision concerning you because they will be feeling really dissatisfied and sad. For some of you, you’re going to be able to work it out and have a good long term relationship. For the rest of you, this relationship is going to take you one step closer to your ultimate love by shedding light into parts of you that need healing. You’ll start trying to manage life better after things end, you’ll start getting things that you want too, one at a time. From the relationship, you’ll learn about the importance of not being too aloof, having integrity and some of you will learn that rumours can ruin people’s lives (you’ll probably be involved in rumours if this is the case). You’ll learn that playing stupid games wins you stupid prizes. You’ll also learn that overindulgence is not good. You might also realise that you don’t really have true friends. You’ll learn how to be more mature and loving. You’ll start coming in terms with your sensitivity and kindness. You could end up being too loving though, make sure not to become a people pleaser, alright? Take care !!

︎︎⊹ ! 🪡︎ Pile 3 ꒱

Your next significant partner is someone who is very passionate about, they’re someone who tries to expand their potential. They are someone who truly believes in themself and gives their best. They have a lot of ideas, to the point they find them overwhelming even. They have a lot of potential for really great things. They’re someone who’s had important breakthroughs in life and are into self improvement. They’re taking action and are optimistic right now. Their past is still negatively affecting them though. They’re someone who is pretty secretive too. They’re still stuck in unhealthy cycles. This is very conflicting, they have strong personal values or are developing them but they weren’t the best person the past. They are also very realistic but still so delusional? They feel trapped by a missed opportunity of some sort. They’re still emotionally immature and possibly even depressed. They can be someone very resentful because of their tendency to obsess. They overlook what’s obvious in order to believe the little stories in their head when it comes to love. They’re very realistic regarding everything else though. They’re still very naive and can be very gullible to love bombing, they’ve possibly fallen victim to it before. They’re manipulative and really lonely. They lack proper communication skills. The relationship between the both of you is going to require really big effort of one of your part.

I’m sorry but this person could still not be over their past relationship or something like that. This relationship is not going to be long term. Despite, how qualified you might be for them, they won’t be noticing your greatness. You’re someone who pretends to be happy even if you’re not and that’s exactly what you’ll be doing when you’re with them. It will start off exciting for you but you’ll start feeling like you deserve better as you continue to be with them, somehow, your self esteem will be so low that you will feel like no one else would want you though. You’ll be feeling quite oppressed in that relationship. They will probably downplay the things that you say to them, etc. That relationship will be extremely stressful. You’ll also start feeling quite passive aggressive towards them. I’ve heard something like “women aren’t crazy, they’re driven to it”, you don’t have to be a woman but it could apply to you during and after this relationship. You’ll be too scared of having difficult conversations here. I wouldn’t be surprised if this is just a situationship as well. You’ll feel stagnant and stuck in the situation. They’ll act like things will inevitably come to an end but they won’t be ending it properly. It’ll be obvious that they’re still emotionally attached to their past. They’ll be avoiding ending things but they won’t be treating you right either. They’ll treat you like you’re a burden.

They’ll act like you disappoint them with everything that you do. They’ll treat you as if they are settling for you. You need to be very careful here because they’ll be lacking self awareness and emotional maturity. They’ll just act like things are hopeless and like you’re not all that important. At the beginning though, they’ll be trying to act as if they’re happy. They’ll be angry at you for some reason but it won’t have much if anything at all to do with you. You’ll learn how to pay attention to details because of this connection. You’ll learn how to use your intellect against people to be honest (probably unintentionally). Before entering a relationship with them or getting involved with them, you’re someone who has little to no fear of changes. Someone who knows how to take changes for the best or for the worst, someone who knows how to leave the old things behind. You’re also someone very quick to change perspective though. After your relationship or connection with them, you’ll become someone really successful, generous and strong willed. You’ll become someone who’s more free with expression of anything (including affection) but knows how to be harsh when things come down to it. You’ll gain some sort of an enlightenment. You’ll become someone indecisive though, and someone who prioritises having friends and lovers who treasure you and are on the same level when it comes to character. All the best and take care 🩵.

[odysirena]

Atlantis (part 1)

prologue (must read) / series masterlist

pairing: neteyam x fem!metkayina!reader

series summary: with the death of quaritch, the sullys return to the forest. not wanting to make your mate part with his family for your sake, you decide to come with them. how will the return of his responsibilities as the future olo’eyktan affect your relationship? (4.5k)

It starts raining the moment you reach the forest and you welcome it like you would an old friend. You find your arms extending themselves, your eyes moving to look behind as you do to make sure you’re not obscuring Neteyam’s vision. 

What is an ocean but a multitude of drops? 

A microdose of home bidding you farewell.

Droplets living on your skin for a few seconds before they eventually have to leave, whispering a quiet goodbye and thank you for having me as gravity calls them down to the soil of pandora. 

They slip down your body and you can feel your skin clinging to them, begging them to stay just a little longer, to consume your body, to take your breath away like the ocean does.

You fly past the weeping cloud and a part of you cries with it as the last hint of water leaves your skin. 

“We’re almost there,” Neteyam tells you. 

The joy on his face is clear despite his attempt at masking it, a part of you wishes he didn’t try to suppress it just so he could mourn the loss of your home with you. 

“I can’t wait,” You wish you could say more. You wish you could offer him hand-picked words that have been assorted delicately to pluck hesitation away from his grip. 

But you can’t. Because a part of you is glad you have someone that wants to mourn with you despite, and your relationship is not built on half-truths. 

You know you’re there when you catch sight of the crowd gathered by their spirit tree. It will be yours too, eventually.

–

Jake announces their return a month before you have to leave Awa’atlu. He receives word back and is immediately promised to be given his position as the Olo’eyktan as soon as the family gets home, the Na’vi in position shoving power back into the hands of Jake the moment the opportunity presents itself, leaving no room for argument. 

Later, when it’s just the two of you sitting on a canoe, you ask Neteyam why Jake showed reluctance. He responds in laughter. 

“My father is arrogant,” he says. He assumes a thinking position before he corrects himself, “Was arrogant. He tries to practise humility for my mom,” he chuckles to himself as if he was watching a memory play out in front of him, “You should have seen his face when Norm told him. He tried to hide it but I’m pretty sure even Tuk could tell how happy he was.”

You mull over his words. Letting them sink in before you speak, “I thought his reasoning was safety,” you pause to observe his face, “of the clan and your family.”

“My father acted selfishly,” he pauses, catching your eye, shooting you a familiar question, do you want to carry this burden with me?

When you give him a gentle nod, he continues, “If anything, us leaving endangered the clan. They still had Spider, they still could have found the hideout. The only difference was our absence.” 

You take his hand in yours as he speaks, “But I try to understand. It is difficult for me to see reason because it is all I’ve known.”

He moves his gaze from the sea to you, “He is selfish for choosing safety over his duties when I had to sacrifice my childhood just to carry mine out.”

He breathes out. Letting your presence calm him down before he speaks again, “But I am glad he decided to act selfishly. Perhaps our family would not be in one piece if he didn’t. And,” he places your hand on his heart, “I would not have met you.”

You smile at his words. Replacing your hand with your head. The sound of his heart and the ocean around you is enough to lull anyone to sleep. 

But before you shut your eyes and succumb to comfort, you speak. 

“Perhaps a Toruk flapped its wings somewhere in the forest.”

The inside joke–born from his endearment for your fascination with fate–gets a laugh out of him, unable to resist the urge to see happiness bloom on his face, you get up from your place on his chest to watch. 

You look at him like you would look at the corals that live beneath you. The sight is familiar, yes, but it somehow manages to look more beautiful than it did the last time you caught a glimpse of it.

—

The first day back in the forest was hectic for the Sullys.

Not counting you. 

After the ceremony, Neteyam guides you to a hut separate from his family. His siblings join the two of you by his parents’ orders much to his irritation. 

“Bro, you seriously get all of this space to yourself? No fair!” Lo’ak exclaims, the excitement he radiates bouncing off the space, infecting everyone in his vicinity, forcing them to mirror the smile he has splattered across his face.

His teasing remarks directed at Neteyam brings a genuine laugh out of you, the sound catching Neteyam’s attention, saving Lo’ak from a gentle hit on the shoulder. 

Neteyam is the first person to be pulled away from your hut, ordered to attend some kind of briefing with his father. He leans in to kiss you and stops when he remembers his siblings’ presence in the room.

The sight of the three Sullys busying themselves has you laughing. Tuk is playing with your collection of shells. Kiri is observing the weaving pattern and Lo’ak. . . is covering his eyes with his hands like a child would.

“Can I look now?” he whines playfully. 

Neteyam rolls his eyes and steals a peck before he moves to leave, “Yes, you skxawng.”

When he leaves, the three siblings shoot you a look. 

“Am I gonna be an aunt?” The question asked by the 12-year-old has your mouth dropping to the ground.

“Lo’ak! What have you been telling her?” When you twist your body to point at him accusingly, he simply laughs and raises his hands in surrender.

“Bro, why do you always assume it’s me?” His reply has Kiri hissing in amusement, a smile etched on her face. 

You shoot him an unimpressed stare before you squat so you can match Tuk’s eye level, “You’re not gonna be an aunt, Tuk.” You ignore Lo’ak coughing out yet, “Don’t believe everything Lo’ak says, okay?”

“I give it one week.”

“LO’AK!” You and Kiri shout in unison. 

He laughs at your flabbergasted faces before he leaves to greet his avatar and human friends. 

The air gets noticeably mellower in his absence.

Tuk yawns, prompting you and Kiri to fix a temporary corner for her to rest in. 

Once Tuk is asleep on her corner, Kiri moves to lean on you, “I am glad I have him as my brother.”

You hum, encouraging her to continue. “Our family would have been consumed by the war if he didn’t keep that smile on his face despite everything.”

She looks up at you, “I am afraid I do not tell him enough.” You rub comforting circles on her back, waiting for her to move her gaze back to Tuk before you speak, “It is evident in your actions that you care.”

“But,” you glance down at her, “I am sure a verbal thanks would be well received.” 

Kiri smiles, satisfied with your answer. She sighs in contentment and her eyes to rest as silence is welcomed in the room.

You hear a rustle by the entrance and the sight of the Tsahik greets you. I see you, you gesture. She glances your way.

A beat.

Your breath stills and it is nothing like being engulfed by the ocean. Another beat passes and you think you finally understand what your siblings meant when they said phrases like our lungs burn. 

She gestures back after what feels like an eternity and you begin to understand why your siblings inhale that much oxygen back into their bodies after a dive. 

Her hand gestures towards Kiri, a silent order to wake the girl up as she was needed.

You coax the girl back to consciousness, shaking her shoulders lightly. When she doesn’t budge, you smile sheepishly at the tsahik, asking for a moment. “The human boy appears to be injured.”

Kiri groans, sitting up with her eyes still closed, “What did you do this time Spider?” She opens her eyes to roll them and turns to me with a look of betrayal when she sees her grandma opposite of her. 

You shrug, mouthing Tsahik orders, sorry. 

With Kiri leaving to help the Tsahik with the wounded and Tuk asleep, you are once again left in a room alone with your thoughts. 

You decide to busy yourself by unpacking your belongings. Since you had more time to prepare than they did before they left their home, the family–your family–offered to each carry a sack of your belongings for you. 

The sight of sacks filled to the brim with memories almost brings you to tears. Your friends and family from Awa’atlu insisted on claiming one sack to fill the moment you started packing. It almost pains you; the way you could tell exactly which sack contains the essence of your friends by the talon that’s poking out of the pile.  

It’s the talon that was used to ink you the first time. 

You swiftly pick it up. Burying the memories that are forcing themselves to be watched in a box as you do. A hollow promise to remember leaving your lips as you move it to a corner. 

Half of your stuff is unpacked when Neytiri enters in search of Tuk. Her face visibly softening at the sight of her youngest. 

She greets you with a hug and it places a smile on your face. 

“You have done well with this place,” She embraces you like she’s soothing you. Soothing your pain like it’s her own, like your pain is someone she’s well acquainted with.

She pulls away and briefly cradles your face in her hands before she moves to wake Tuk up from her corner. As she turns to leave, she looks at you again, “You are welcome to join me in the healers’ hut,” something shifts in her eyes, “if you want to?”

Neytiri asks the question like it is a statement. Like it’s something that’s been said before, like it’s a montage being played back, a tape being looped.

If you want to.

If you. want to. 

Want.

It’s a loaded question, one that’s been fired off before. 

Neytiri asks the question like it is a statement because in a way, it is. She knows the answer before the question is even muttered because she remembers the bullet wound that pierced her every time Jake asked if she wished to join him in the sea.

So when you shake your head and say, maybe next time, she smiles at you in understanding before she leaves.

When Neteyam returns a few hours later, he sees your back and a smile immediately makes its way to his face. He looks around, observing the lightly decorated space before he makes his presence known.

“I thought we were supposed to decorate our home together.” 

You laugh at the pout that makes its way to his face, guiding him to the sack of things you left untouched specifically for him. 

“Who says we still can’t?”

–

The days slip away from your fingers like water does. 

You’ve been living amongst the Omatikaya for two weeks now but you’re yet to climb a tree. 

Instead, your days are spent familiarising yourself with names and faces. Acquainting yourself with the healers, sitting in a corner accustoming yourself to materials they use to incorporate it in your weaving. Meeting the Avatars–Kiri’s mom–and the humans, letting Tuk drag you around to show you off to her friends.

There’s not much time for him to teach you their ways and you understand. 

Because war is exhausting. You aren’t part of raids like Neteyam is, but it still pains you to see even just a cut on his body. 

Lo’ak and Kiri nags you everyday to join them in the forest and you always reply with, No. 

Not because you’re unwilling to learn their ways, you simply wish to experience it with him by your side.

But your resolve gets chipped every day they nag. The dam’s wall cracking just a little bit every time they present you with reasons to join them. You need to see the woodsprites. You should see how many leaves I can fall on. Perhaps you’ll find more material to incorporate in your weaving.

The dam finally breaks when Tuk tells you all about the rivers, lakes, and waterfalls.

You’re not sure if it’s because it was Tuk that asked, or if it was the talk of varying bodies of water but you suddenly found yourself filled with an overwhelming desire to go despite his absence. 

Despite your desire, you still say no.

When you tell Tuk just that, she breaks off in a sprint. 

“Tuk– wait,” She slows down just enough for you to catch up, “Are you sure this is allowed? Are you not too young to visit the forest alone?”

She looks at you with a strange look, “But I am with you.”

“First of all, I told you no? Second, even if I did come, it would not make a difference. I am like a baby in the forest.”

She takes your words in and pouts when she realises they hold truth in them, she moves to open her mouth again but you beat her to it, “besides, neither of us have an ikran to fly, how are we supposed to visit the forest?”

You shoot her your signature I am speaking with reason smile and you’re about to get her to see your reasoning when she catches two figures behind you. 

“Lo’ak! Kiri! Come!”

Ah shit.

When the siblings approach the two of you and Tuk starts excitedly explaining her plan to get you to join them in the forest, you know you don’t have a way out.

That’s not true. You could always insist on staying, explain how you wish to go with Neteyam for your first trip instead.

So you say, “No.”

But it’s hollow. Anyone that knows you can tell that your resolve was worn off. That convincing you would be like child’s play.

Lo’ak carries Tuk in his arms like she’s still a child. You look away in an attempt to collect yourself and when you look back they’re all sporting similar pleading faces.

“It’ll only be an hour,” Lo’ak reasons.

Kiri nods, “We’ll be back before Neteyam notices.”

The implication hits you. The wave that’s been building up ever since you got here finally reaching your shore. But before you could properly mull over her words. Tuk tugs at your hand.

“C’mon! I know you miss the water.”

Tuk is a 12-year-old girl. She is not stronger than you are. So when she drags you to follow her siblings, you know that a part of you wants this to. That a part of you is allowing your body to get pulled. 

Your dam breaks and you can do nothing but follow the current.

—

“LO’AK YOU SKXAWNG,” You scream at his ear causing Lo’ak to make the ikran more unstable than it already is. 

“STOP SHOUTING YOU’RE MAKING IT WORSE.” He screams back. You can hear Tuk and Kiri laughing at your display but it’s difficult to appreciate the sound when your world is literally spinning.

Once you’re out the tunnel, he starts flying normally, “I told you. I don’t fly that bad. It was just the tunnel.” 

The words leave his mouth but they don’t reach you. The sight of the giant floating rocks reminding you too much of home. 

Kiri bumps Lo’ak’s ikran to get your attention. She ignores his whining but a smile still finds its way to her face, “Hey, you okay?” 

You’re not really sure how to properly convey your emotions without ruining the atmosphere. So Instead you ask a question.

“Is this why you guys spent so much time in the coves of the ancestors?”

Did the floating rocks also remind you a little too much of home?

You see Kiri smile at you, an answer ready to be spoken sitting on her lips.

But she never gets the chance to.

Because hundreds of ikrans come flocking from behind you before she even gets to open her mouth.

You hear Tuk cry out, the sound effectively shaking the two siblings out of their shock. They expertly steer their ikrans upwards, moving so they could fly above the flock. 

It’s a good lesson on perspective, you think.

One moment you feel like throwing up, the terror in your body making it go cold. 

Next, you’re staring at the picture it paints in wonder.

Colours bleeding from the body to their wings, creating patterns that are unique to each creature. 

They flap their wings and you catch yourself wondering if this was what led you to meet that beautiful boy two years ago.

“Shit,” The curse leaves Lo’ak’s mouth and it drags terror back in your body. 

You look between him and Kiri, the worried expression shared between the two doing nothing to help the chill that’s quickly making its way back to your body.

“What’s wrong?” 

They both steer their ikran to follow the flock, hiding behind the rocks as they do, “Sky people.”

It has your ears ringing. Creatures you’ve only heard of from stories told by humans and warriors in the clan. Sky people can’t navigate the hallelujah mountains, you remember Neteyam saying. 

“Why aren’t they attacking the ship? Don’t they usually attack?” The question comes from Tuk, the twelve-year-old safely tucked in her sister’s chest.

Kiri and Lo’ak share another look before speaking in unison, “Avatars.”

“We have to call this in.” Lo’ak says, reaching for the microphone on his throat as he does.

“Devil dog– I mean– Dad, do you copy?”

He hands you an in-ear while you all wait for a response.

“Lo’ak?”

“Yes. There’s an aircraft flying over the mountains. Over.”

“And it’s not getting attacked by the ikrans? Over.”

“No,” Lo’ak pauses, “We think it could be dreamwalkers.”

You point at the aircraft that’s now flying just a few feet below you. You catch a glimpse of something blue poking out and you gesture for the siblings to fly behind the rock completely.

“Shit. We’re sure it’s avatars. Over.”

“We? Who's we? Over.”

“Kiri, Tuk,” He pauses, looking over at you in a silent question. You nod against your mind’s orders. Your face scrunching when Lo’ak adds your name.

Regret takes root in your body when you hear Neteyam repeat your name through the radio. You hear the silent question in his voice, why did you leave? You try not to think about it. Pushing down the thoughts, saving them for later. 

When you return to the conversation, Lo’ak’s telling his father where he is.

You land on one of the floating rocks to wait for their parents’ arrival. The moment you do, Tuk bursts into tears as she comes sprinting to you. 

You let her cling onto your lower body, soothing her sobs my rubbing slow circles on her back. 

She turns to face her siblings, “Will the clan have to move again?”

The two share a look before they bend down to her level. 

Kiri pats down Tuk’s hair before she speaks, “Oh, Tuk. I’m sure everything will be alright.” 

Lo’ak nods, “And if it isn’t then we’ll just drive them away!” He ruffles her hair, “Like we always do, okay?” He shoots her a smile and it warms your heart when you see her mirror his expression.

A shout of your name brings the group’s attention back to the sky. Tuk immediately rushing from your side to the ikrans to greet her parents. 

You see Neteyam move towards you and you reach out to him. Regret and guilt resurfacing when he pulls you in an embrace. 

He cradles your face in his hands, “Are you alright yawne?” 

Worry takes over his features and you really can’t bear to see it so you bury your head on his chest, the rapid beating of his heart doing nothing but worsen the guilt.

“I’m alright now.”

You break away from each other and approach his parents.

“Go straight to the camp, is that clear?” Jake looks his children in the eyes as he speaks, “Your mother and I will handle this.”

Neteyam moves to speak, “But dad–” He goes silent at the pointed stare Jake gives him, “Make sure they all get home safe.”

–

You spent the journey back pondering over the right words to pick when you eventually have to answer his silent questions. 

I’m sorry. 

Would that be enough?

I can’t say no to Tuk.

Are you really going to result to blaming a child?

You arrive at camp and Neteyam pulls you to your hut, his siblings knowing better than to follow. 

“Why were you there?”

Anticipating a question doesn’t make an answer come to you easier. If anything, it makes it more difficult. You can’t just blurt out anything and blame it on the lack of time when you revisit the conversation in the future. 

You can’t blurt out just anything because you’ve thought of every possible response and you understand the insinuations tied whatever words leave your mouth.

“I’m sorry.”

Your gaze is pointed at the ground, unable to bring yourself to look at him, afraid of the emotions you could find if you do.

He sighs, his hands move to hold your face and you get to take a good look at his face.

“You are not mad,” You say slowly, your observations shocking you.

To your surprise, he lets out another laugh. “No yawne, I’m not mad at you. I was mad that you were put in a situation like that. I don’t want you hurt.”

You furrow your eyebrows at his statement, “You’re not mad that I was planning on going to the forest without you?”

He laughs at your question like the thought never even crossed his mind and it stings.

Perhaps the blame is on you for thinking you know him enough to predict his thoughts just because your souls happened to be intertwined. 

At the end of the day, two years is still nothing compared to the seventeen years spent getting moulded to be a warrior that prioritises protection.

When your body subconsciously inches back from his hold, the smile drops from his face.

“What’s wrong?”

He moves closer to you, “Are you hurt anywhere?”

His concern brings a small smile to your face. It makes you realise just how little you know this side of him. 

The notion of getting to know half your soul better should excite you, but right now it just makes you sad.

You’ve heard of stories from his siblings; throwing himself in between them and a weapon, mediating arguments with their dad by taking the blame– but you’ve never seen it for yourself.

Protectiveness is inked on him the same way the markings on your chest are.  

And somehow, you never took notice.

“Yawne, did you hurt yourself?”

You shake your head in response. Holding his hand as you collect your thoughts.

“I’m yet to set foot in the forest,” You watch as shock takes over his face, “I wanted my first breath of your home–my home–to be with you.”

The words sink in and you watch as regret made its presence known on his face. 

“I’m sorry. But I’ve been busy and–” He cuts himself off, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be making excuses.”

You tell him it’s okay and he insists that it’s not. 

The next thing you know, the two of you are sneaking out.

“Ma’teyam, while I do appreciate the gesture, are you sure we can’t wait till tomorrow?” You ask as he helps you up Yoki. 

“You would love the forest better at night. The plant life on the reef reminded me so much of home,” he hops on the ikran, sitting behind you, “I’m hoping it’ll have the same effect on you.”

–

When he lands Yoki by the lake and spots the huge smile on your face, he wishes he took you here sooner. 

You sprint towards the body of water, Neteyam nodding when you ask him, is it safe to swim? 

The sight of you swimming with a carefree smile on your face makes his heart ache. 

You were depriving yourself of this because of him.

Because you wanted to experience this with him. 

Neteyam jumps in the water. He twists his body, looking for you before he takes a deep breath to check underwater. 

The moment he does, you come emerging from his side, pulling at his feet with a smile on your face. You urge for him to follow you deeper into the water.

You are right, it does remind me of home, you sign. 

Neteyam watches as happiness blooms on your face at the sight of water life, his gaze staying on your face despite your finger pointing at something you found fascinating. 

Thank you, you sign. 

He shakes his head as he moves his hands, I wish I brought you here sooner. 

Air eventually leaves his body and he’s forced to tap you and gesture upwards for some assistance. 

When you two reach the surface you hit him lightly as he gasps for air, “You skxawng! Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

He responds by splashing water on you. The smile on your face was worth having to suffer your retaliation. 

The carefree atmosphere brings him back to the reef. When all he had to do was hunt and carry his weight, when he didn’t have war plaguing his mind. 

He shakes the thought off, he was not raised to think like that. He shifts his focus to you, your eyes trained on the bioluminescent life around you, lips fixed to a smile. 

The sight of you staring at his home–yours, soon, he hopes–in wonder eases the weight of the guilt he wears every day. 

I’m sorry for dragging you to war.

I’m sorry for being selfish.

I’m sorry I can’t let the title promised to me go.

He doesn’t say it, afraid he’d make you realise he wasn’t worth it. Don’t think like that, he imagines you saying. The thought of you enough to ward the thoughts away temporarily. 

The light from the flower you’re holding hits your face perfectly and Neteyam feels the urge to kiss you so strongly that his body moves out of its own accord.

One moment you’re holding a flower between your hands. A beat passes and you find yourself holding his face as he pours unspoken words into the kiss, hoping his soul says what he can’t and that yours understands. 

Later, when the both of you are in the comfort of blankets, your back pressed against his, you tell him being with you reminds me of the ocean. When he asks why, you respond like it’s the simplest thing, you leave me breathless. 

Perhaps it is simple because it is the truth. He leaves you breathless and you are the air that keeps him from suffocating.

a/n: don't we all just love messy writing. . . if u got the cloud atlas quote ily! and as always! feedback and reblogs are appreciated! i'm genuinely having so much fun writing lol, hope you all have a good week! the next part is theee angst part … r we ready

taglist (open) : @luvlykrispy @nao-cchi

[doverstar]

A paltry 3 people have asked me to expand on my opinion that Clara (who I like) is bad for the Doctor, so here I go below.

Strap in, this will be long. I disliked Clara back when her tenure was happening live, but upon rewatching the show now, with my husband, I completely changed my mind and grew to really appreciate her and cried when she died. I like Clara. But I came to this conclusion you’re about to read during that rewatch. In a nutshell, Clara and the Doctor’s relationship is unhealthy. Stop wait let me explain-

*hands you the nutshell* First. The show itself acknowledges that this Doctor/companion relationship is something unprecedented and ugly and bad for both of them towards the end. Why? Is it Clara? YES AND NO children. Clara as a companion, personality-wise, is not any different or special than many Classic Who companions, and Jenna Coleman is ridiculously likeable as Clara. I know Clara is The Impossible Girl (because Moffat can’t write 100% ordinary people), and I know she has met all of the Doctors up to Twelve at least once, but take away her decision to throw herself into his timeline – take away the fact that the Master literally orchestrated events so that Clara and the Doctor would travel together because their personalities would create something dangerous and unhealthy in the end – and Clara herself really is just a twenty-something who wants to travel and acts like she’s the coolest person in the room. So Clara herself on the surface wasn’t the catalyst for the relationship becoming unhealthy. At least not the way she was written in the beginning. At first, it’s the Doctor making big Red Flag decisions. And I say that with so much love towards Matt Smith’s Doctor, who is dearly missed in these trying times. The Doctor meets the first version of Clara (from his perspective) as a barmaid/nanny in 20th century London. She’s exceptional (and unnecessarily flirty because Moffat can’t write women who don’t lust after the protagonist) and the Doctor invites her to travel with him. This is huge because the Doctor has just spent who-knows-how-long mourning the Ponds, who he was not ready to lose and who he had grown increasingly afraid of losing before he lost them. He sits on a cloud and has sworn off of travelling or helping anyone because he is that sick of losing people. He’s hurting and he doesn’t want to go through something like that again. The Ponds were just the latest in a very long line of lost people—remember, directly before Amy and Rory, the Doctor had to say goodbye to Donna, Martha, Wilf, Mickey, Jackie, Jack Harkness, Sarah Jane Smith oh my goodness, and Rose Tyler. And then he loses the Ponds. It’s agony. And it just keeps happening to him over and over again, and the Eleventh Doctor is especially vulnerable because he’s so tender-hearted and raw from Tennant’s losses, and this is the first time he’s lost companions with this face. The Eleventh Doctor is literally described by Moffat as the incarnation of the Doctor who chooses to forget. He’s consistently not addressing things like Gallifrey, the Time War, Rose, Donna, Martha, etc. When he’s reminded of them, the only thing he really reacts with is a strained admission of guilt (Let’s Kill Hitler and The Doctor’s Wife, anyone?). Eleven does not focus on what he has lost and worked really, really, selfishly-at-times hard to preserve the safety of the Ponds in particular. And then he loses them and throws a Doctor pity party on a cloud in a top hat.

Enter Nanny Clara, and she reminds him of what he’s missing and how things should be and helps him get his mojo back. Great, good. But she also reminds him of this one chick in the Dalek Asylum who begged the Doctor for help and was already dead. And the Doctor not only loves a mystery, but hates losing (losing people in particular). So he invites this Clara to come away with him and begin his never-ending adventure all over again, because she seems perfect for the job. And then she dies. Just like Oswin the crazy Dalek. Just like Amy and Rory, and the DoctorDonna, and Rose Tyler on the list of fatalities during the incident at Canary Wharf. Like Adric. But the Doctor doesn’t give up and pout in the 20th century this time. Instead, he gets determined to figure out what is connecting Nanny Clara and Dalek Clara, and determined to find a version of this mystery girl who can travel with him and not die this time. Third time’s the charm.

He finds Clara Oswald in the present, saves her life, freaks her out with his desperation to befriend her, and then she finally comes away with him. It’s played incredibly sweet specifically because it’s the Doctor trying to entice a companion and working for it, because he’s already seen she’s the one—twice—and is determined to keep her. This is an inversion of what usually happens, which is that the companion has to prove themselves worthy of the position to the Doctor during a meet-cute adventure. Classy. Fun. But we see from that point forward that the Doctor is kind of…weirdly obsessed with Clara. And not just because she’s appeared as three different-but-the-same people in his life lately, but because he’s the man who forgets and he lost people and never deals with that, and now he has this girl who he’s been unable to save twice before and he wants to make sure that doesn’t happen again. What’s worse, Clara becomes “the ultimate companion”, saving the Doctor throughout all his lifetimes by jumping into his timeline so she’s technically companion to all of him at one point. This is bad because not only is it not fair (as the gamers call it, it’s OP, yes I’m hip with the kids) it solidifies to the Doctor that she is the culmination of all his past failures in companion tenures.

She’s not the ultimate companion; she’s the ultimate do-over.

He’s obsessed with keeping Clara safe. He’s obsessed with keeping her with him. It’s not because Clara is this gorgeous, super-special, Not Like Other Girl(s). It’s not because he’s madly in love with her (though Moffat wants repeatedly to be able to imply that without properly saying it because he can’t write a female who is not in lust with the protagonist, hey let go of my soapbox I’m using that-). It’s not even because he lost two Claras previously and he feels really bad about that. It's because he’s projecting every single failure to keep a companion onto this one girl. The Doctor is trying so hard not to be controlled by the circumstances around him. He is trying so hard to keep this one, just this one, with him this time that he kind of turns into a withdrawal maniac when she’s in danger or choosing to do anything other than travel with him. The Master (Missy) orchestrated events so that Clara and the Doctor would be able to travel together because it was obvious the two of them would destroy each other in the end. The Doctor was such a person (Eleven) at such a time in his long life that could not stand the idea of losing one more friend and would do anything to keep history from repeating itself. He has to have Clara. He can’t quit Clara. She’s all of them. She’s everyone. And poor Clara—Clara is great, but being with the Doctor brings out only the worst in her. The woman is obsessed with herself. She was better off before he came around! Keeping pace with the Doctor, traveling the universe with him, feeling like she had something with him no one else could touch—all of that inflated her sense of importance; she has to be special. She has to be in control. She’s bossy and confident and as long as the Doctor is around, she’s the most incredible human being in her species and he is lucky to have her. That’s how he makes her feel—because it’s obvious he can’t let her go. (“Traveling with you made me feel really special.”) And worse, Clara can’t let him go—but not even specifically the Doctor. The Doctor, to Clara, is only as valuable as he makes her feel. It’s very sad because the two of them are kind of convinced they’re best friends and that’s why they’re together, but that’s not it. They’re not best friends. They’re toxic.

(Best friends do not trick other best friends, lie to them, threaten their way of life and only home to get their boyfriends back and then say “I’m sorry but I’d do it again”. Best friends do not notice that their best friend is there for them in spite of that line of action and then still disregard their best friend’s safety and needs in order to get what they themselves want above all else. Death in Heaven, I hate you.) And! Clara was so rattled by Eleven changing into Twelve. The sweet young man who flirted with her and made her feel so romantically important was gone, now there’s this grisly old fella who is rude to her and makes disparaging personal remarks about her physical appearance, and who doesn’t like hugs. But they’re not done. Because now the relationship has changed even further—we went from “he likes me and he should because I am Important” and “she’s staying with me and she should because I am gonna keep her safe and it won’t be like last time(s) and that’s why she’s special, that’s why she’s Impossible” to “I’m with him because he needs me and because I am Important like he is” and “she’s staying with me and she should because I am gonna keep her safe and she’s still special and she’s still Impossible and I can’t lose her no matter what”.

Clara is controlling and the Doctor is controlling. Missy would have you believe the Doctor won’t be controlled, but that’s just another form of control. The Doctor can’t stop travelling with Clara. Twelve will not let her rest, Twelve will not let her die. Clara will not stay home, Clara will not put anyone or anything else before herself, before traveling and saving the day and feeling special. In fact, it’s gotten to the point where the Doctor treats Clara with such reverence, she actually believes she’s 100% his equal and should be him. That was not a typo. I did not say she should be like him. I said she thinks she should be him. It gets worse and worse as time goes on. Clara thinks she can be the Doctor. She can travel anywhere, she can do whatever she wants, and she will always win. Because she’s important. Because she’s special. She doesn’t realize that she can’t, and that that’s not who the Doctor is anyway. And the Doctor watches Clara get eaten up by this addiction to travel, addiction to heroics. Clara loses Danny and that’s her last tether to normal life. It’s sad because Danny was twice the man anybody expected him to be and he was almost there, almost good enough for Clara to stay and be safe with. But the Doctor and time and space are a tough act to follow, and when Danny died, Clara felt she was owed better. She wasn’t angry because Danny was young and she loved him and she wanted better for him. She was angry because as a time traveling hero, she deserved to have her boyfriend alive and not hit by an ordinary car in the middle of an ordinary day on Earth. (But she wouldn’t have stayed with him anyway, and she wasted so much time with him treating him like he wasn’t special enough and then it was too late. If the Doctor had not been part of the equation, treating her like she hung the stars and making her believe it, they could have been happy. She could have been okay.)

More adventures, more close calls. At this point everything likeable about Clara in the past has faded away because she is just not the same person anymore. She’s ruined. And it’s her fault, and it’s the Doctor’s fault. Clara isn’t addicted to travel or heroics. Now she’s addicted to feeling important. She’s addicted to being special. And she needs to feel that so badly that she decides she is the Doctor and can do what he does and ignores the danger and ignores the rules and the risks and what it might do to the Doctor to lose her, and she faces the stupid raven. This girl legit dies a painful, scary death because she thought she could do whatever she wanted, control every situation, and it couldn’t possibly turn out badly because she’s Clara Oswald, the Impossible Girl. Did the Doctor ever give her any idea that that wasn’t true? Didn’t he worship the ground she marched on? She dies for it. And the Doctor, bless his poisoned hearts, cannot handle it. No way, it is not happening again. Not Clara! He’s avoided her death every other time. It’s not even about Clara anymore—Clara is actually a pretty rotten friend to the Doctor at this point; he’s nothing to her, not really, just a means to an end (and you can tell because when push comes to shove, she will choose herself and time and space over him, and over any sense at all, but if anyone asks, that’s her best friend and do you know why? because it’s very special to be the Doctor’s best friend). It’s not about her, it’s about them. About Adric, and River, and Rose, and Donna, and Tegan and Susan and Ace and Vicki. It’s about Ian and Barbara and Wilfred Mott. Not this time, universe! Not this time, Clara! "I have a duty of care." "Which you take very seriously, I know." Twelve goes through the most contrived, horrendous, comically-lengthened torture Moffat can think of (Heaven Sent) and comes out on the other side only to bring Clara back from the dead. Think of that. The woman is actually very long dead at this point and the Doctor braves literal Gallifrey to pull her out of the moment before the end. He breaks every single rule he has ever, ever had. And he does it violently, are you telling me for real that Clara is the best companion for him? She drives him to do right, to be the greatest he can be? She helps, she brings him back to who he’s always tried to be? No she doesn’t. She drives him to total depraved madman status because they can’t quit each other, and no, not the cutesy quippy Madman With A Box type of madman.

What makes Clara so different from all the other people the Doctor had to lose and who remained lost? Nothing at all. Nothing except that the Doctor decided this one isn’t going anywhere. Because she is every companion to him. This poor woman has a sack full of the Doctor’s past-companion baggage tied to her back but to her it feels light, because he treats it outwardly like a pedestal. So he “brings her back” and she figures out what he’s done and what he went through to do it, and they both learn that their relationship is actually so toxic that together, they would destroy the universe just to have what they want. Because that’s what they bring out in each other. The Doctor has to keep Clara safe, and Clara has to be special. They’re so unhealthy it affects everything around them, to the point where the Time Lords literally have a name for their destructive dynamic in their prophecies called the Hybrid (go lie down, Moffat). And the Master knew that because Time Lord…stuff…and deliberately ensured that Clara and the Doctor get together.

Luckily the Doctor is still, somewhere, miraculously, himself—so he recognizes at last that this is going too far and it’s bad, it’s all bad. The only solution, because he still can’t just return Clara to her fate, is to wipe her memory (hello Donna) of him so that they aren’t together but she also doesn’t have to die. So that he still doesn’t have to deal with losing people. And then the very worst part, writing-wise, happens. Clara complains and decides she must be allowed her memories, she’s entitled to them (too special to lose her memories!) but goodie for her, she doesn’t lose them. The Doctor, instead, loses his memories of her. Now, this is ultimately a good thing for him because of the horse I beat to death over there, don’t make eye contact, but—how sad is it that he still has to lose? That he still can’t keep someone, even after all that carnage? The healing process is beginning and he’ll be a better man than ever after this, but take a moment to mourn because that really sucks for him.

Okay here’s the worst part—Clara lives. And not only does Clara live, Clara lives forever. Clara is immortal. Clara gets her own Tardis. Clara gets her own immortal companion! (Ashildr.) Who learned something? Anyone? Not Clara! Who grew as a person around here? No one? Not Clara! Poor Clara Oswald, who started out nicely enough and likeable enough, at least on level with Classic Who companions, is ruined in the end. She gets exactly what she wants. She’s the Ultimate Companion! She’s met all the Doctors. He even fancied her at one point, well, how could he not? She didn’t die, she didn’t learn anything, she didn’t even really grow, she just got worse. Danny died and the Doctor lost, but Clara got to keep her memories, lose her mortality, and gain her own infinite time travelling machine. She became the Doctor. Yippee. Neither of them were made better by the other’s company. Rose Tyler said more than once, at least in three different ways, that the Doctor’s influence, that the opportunity to travel in time and space and help, brings out the extraordinary qualities ordinary people already have. He taps into their potential to be better, even better than him sometimes. The human factor, I call it. And they inspire him to be better, which is important for someone who is essentially immortal and can essentially go anywhere and do anything he likes. Wilfred said it, too, that Donna was better with the Doctor. But the codependency, the noxious way the Doctor and Clara interacted with each other—their whole relationship—it’s devoid of that improving quality. It wasn’t at first, at least not on Clara’s side, but that’s what it turned out to be. At least Moffat acknowledges that in Hell Bent, but he does it more in a way that is trying to communicate to you that that’s how deep and special the Doctor and Clara’s relationship is, isn’t it so important, isn’t it the best companion/Doctor relationship ever? Isn’t she hot, isn’t he whipped? Have you ever seen such devotion? Gag me. He doesn’t say it like it’s a bad thing. He’s just trying to win the 60-year-long companion race. And Clara and the Doctor both suffer for it.

I still like Clara. I blame the writing entirely for how things turned out, because I genuinely, really enjoyed her this last rewatch, and I wish that she’d met a better end. I wish she’d stayed with Danny and figured out what Danny was trying to tell her all along—that normal life is precious and worth it, and worth giving up the big sparkly universe for if you find someone else to live for besides yourself. I wish she’d sacrificed herself to save the Doctor in the present, not just throughout his past, because she proved that at one point she was capable of that. I wish she’d come to terms with the fact that she couldn’t control everything, couldn’t have what she wanted every time, and then chose to learn from that and use what she could control for the benefit of others (including the Doctor). I wish she’d gotten out the way Martha had gotten out. And I really, really wish the Doctor hadn’t had to prolong the pain he was always going to feel when someone else had to say goodbye. Anyway, that’s the essay a trifling three lovely people asked me for. Not really an essay, just word vomit. If you read it all, please let me know what you think! I could be wrong.

[thesweetnessofspring]

One thing I think the fandom doesn’t do enough is give Peeta a little more credit with with being cognizant of Katniss’s feelings for him pre hijacking. Now do I believe he did think Katniss preferred Gale after the whipping and think he was very selfless about that that night. But I do also think he noticed her avoiding Gale about it and them not acting like a couple at all afterwards. And from the point of her broken ankle to the QQ announcement I always thought that he was noticing the signs of her behavior changing, he just refused to admit it because he was wrong before and doesn’t think highly of himself. And then from the QQ announcement he refused to think about it because he’s accepted dying for her and Gale is an easier solution for him too. I think the hug on the train was a relief for both of them to act a little selfishly and just give in to what they wanted (each other) before dying for the other and to not overthink everything to death like they always do for the sake of others

Ooooh Non coming in with the hot takes! lol

We know that Peeta--or at least hijacked!Peeta who has slowly been getting his real memories back--believes that Katniss is in love with Gale and will choose him after the whipping. We also know that Peeta questioned Katniss whether or not she loved him, whether or not she liked kissing him or kissing Gale.

And I think that this probably tracks for how Peeta was figuring it out in real time. That he knew not all of the Games was an act, that Katniss sought physical affection from him, that she was willing to die for him. But at the same time, all he knows about the kiss between her and Gale (the first one) was that it happened. As far as Peeta knows, Katniss has never kissed Peeta of her own free will but she did with Gale. And she lost it when Gale was whipped, responded to Haymitch's jab about Madge with jealousy, and stayed up with Gale all night, and that Gale had to spend at least days (maybe even two weeks?) at the Everdeens' while his back healed. After, the lack of Gale coming over he can no doubt put the blame on Gale's work schedule. And we don't know that Gale never came over, but it would be odd if he never checked in on Katniss for weeks when not only she's been hurt, but also because he's trying to win her over so he's going to come over whenever he can. And as for their lack of couple-like behavior from Katniss and Gale could also be explained by the increase of Thread's presence and Snow's threat, so that any couple activities they did would have to be hush-hush from anyone else seeing or picking up on.

But the Quell, THAT had to change things. The distance he put between them during training seemed to signal his own preparation to ensure Katniss wanted and chose Gale, so that she'd let him die for her. But once Gale is gone and will only see them as an "act" and Katniss lets her vulnerability show to Peeta...like you said, it was a relief to both of them. Neither broke the hug, it was the attendant coming in. Yet I also think it's important to remember how Katniss also got upset at Peeta for calling her pure and shut him out when she saw what happened to Darius and kept her distance at training (and resenting Johanna showing off her breasts, which she associated with Peeta and the elevator). Then she's back to being loving, and then the cameras were on. All of that to say, even when they're at their strongest (Quell-reaping onward) there's still bumps and difficulties as well as like you mentioned, Peeta pushing Gale forward toward Katniss so that she would live. As for the undeniable married-vibes they give off, as you said, Peeta could also explain those away. That she needs comfort, too, in these last days. That she's such a heroic, self-sacrificing person she would die for any number of people and he's no different. And again that wound he has of not seeing his worth and feeling unloved.

Thanks for sending your thoughts Non!

[antianakin]

Lola in "Sith" (Star Wars Visions: Volume 2, episode 1) is actually a lot how I think I would've wanted a Barriss story to go now that I have see it again.

Lola was a Sith apprentice once, she presumably did some pretty nasty stuff in that time. We don't know how long Lola was a Sith for, but she's clearly a middle aged person, so it's entirely possible it was in the amount of years rather than something like weeks or months. That leaves a lot of time for her to have hurt a lot of people with her choices that will haunt her for the rest of her life.

Lola's motives for becoming a Sith are left unclear, whether she was raised into like Maul or manipulated into it from childhood like Anakin or fell into it via disillusionment like Dooku, Krell, and Barriss. But the fact that she left shows that she clearly, on some level, knew what she was doing and knew it was wrong. The Sith Master mentions that she made a promise at some point, which implies that she made a CHOICE, an intentional and informed choice, to be a Sith. And now she's having to make an intentional choice every moment of every day to NOT be a Sith anymore, to be better, more selfless and compassionate and peaceful.

Lola struggles with this still, she has nightmares and she can't always control her own powers. She has to ultimately acknowledge that darkness is a part of her and always will be in order to reject it and control it so she can choose love and light instead. And at the end, she is mindful and balanced enough to know that she is capable of forging her own path now and isn't going to let anyone else choose it for her anymore.

This is exactly the kind of direction I'd have wanted them to take Barriss in. I'd have wanted that recognition that Barriss DID do evil things, that she made evil choices that hurt people, that she let fears and doubts control her to the point that she acted selfishly and lashed out at the wrong people. I'd have wanted Barriss to have to struggle with living with the knowledge that innocent people died because of her. I'd have wanted to see Barriss not quite know who she is anymore afterwards. I'd have wanted to see Barriss still working out how to find balance again even after she's made the choice to stop fighting, after she's decided to strive towards peace again. She knows she doesn't want to hurt anyone ever again, but acknowledging her own darkness is still difficult even though it's the only way to actually let go of the things that are still holding her back. I'd have wanted to see her GROW through that in order to become the master of her own destiny again, the Jedi way.

[ninjakk]

I've been thinking of how JC attempts to sacrifice himself for WWX when they first run from the Wens after the fall of LP and his reasons/feelings for doing that and reconciling them with this person who acts so shamefully and is full of such hatred that he kills all 'demonic cultivators' after wwx's death. Even as WWX thinks of whether JC and JL are okay, I notice he calls JC "Sect Leader" out loud to others. I don't know how they could reconcile. Sorry lots of feelings.

Hi again anon 👋🏻

I've answered your two asks separately as they were addressing different aspects of the novel and my original response was getting rather long 😆

It certainly was an unexpected revelation when we found out that JC lured the searching Wen cultivators away from an unsuspecting WWX. Of course, I don't think it was his intention to get caught in the process, but he definitely thought about someone else other than himself for once - which was interesting. Although it was one of the very few selfless acts he did during the course of the novel, it still doesn't retract any of the awful things he has done, nor the way he treated WWX or his homophobic outburst.

Even after WWX has died, JC's bitterness remains very strong and he does indeed hunt down those that use the ghost path in hope of capturing WWX, should he return. Which I always find quite telling of just how little JCs actually knows and understands WWX - who would never actually do such a thing.

In all honesty, JC actually redeemed himself ever so slightly at the very end of the novel, when he decides not to tell WWX about how he really lost his golden core. Instead, he finally let him go, severing the very last thread of "debt" and "obligation" between them. It was actually a fitting character arc for him and it showed a glimmer of possible growth.

Even if JC had selfishly told WWX that particular fact, I don't think it would have changed much at all. WWX has already paid back his "debt" and "obligations" to the Jiang sect far beyond what was required or reasonable. There is nothing left to say between them and WWX literally has nothing left to give. Too much water has gone under the bridge. All of that is in the past and WWX always focuses on the present. So either way, nothing would have changed. I also think WWX would not want to associate with someone he thought his love for LWJ was disgusting and shameful regardless of anything else at play. He chooses love, happiness and freedom as his parents did before him.

JC and WWX are too different, in both personality and virtue. They would not have been friends or hung out in any other scenario bar the circumstance they found themselves in during the course of the novel. They both literally embody the traits that the other actually cannot stand! Their relationship was that of a master and subordinate, it was toxic and they are both better off giving each other a wide berth and moving on.

A reconciliation would never happen and it doesn't need to. WWX is entitled to a happy life for all his efforts in his previous life and JC needs to live with the consequences of his actions and learn from them in his own way.

I know it's probably not the response you were hoping for. But if you consider the above, they both got some form of a happy ending. JC is finally learning to let go of things that little bit more and WWX is free to move on and live his life how he always wanted. I honestly couldn't think of a more suitable and realistic ending.

[leohtttbriar]

one day i'll make a whole obnoxious powerpoint (with the checkerboard transition effects obvs) that's a thematic comparison/contrast-ion between jadzia dax and odo and what they mean but for now i'm thinking again about "children of time" and the way odo and dax were framed as like the only possible actors in a impossible-to-act situation. it was odo or dax, who would let the potential closed-loop lives of a colony of people be rendered materially forgotten. and the more i think about it the more convinced i am that, actually, dax wouldn't have ever chosen differently. it had to be odo.

they're refracted versions of the other---defined by a multiplicity, which they understand and handle in different ways. where dax (who has been accused of frivolity the whole season by her upright buddy worf) can't see beyond the agony of her own selfishness, odo just does. he does what he thinks he is obligated to do based on his own individually-mandated moral rectitude. he is solipsistic in the way all of the changelings are for they can be anything and are also all each other and that is certain. but he loves kira, who is similar but solipsistically fastened to the world, thru a faith in fate, so he can just...selfishly act in a way she couldn't. and tbh the morality of the selfishness is up for grabs, too, bc kira "selflessly" choosing to die is also a condemnation for everyone else so like. odo's lawful/strict-desire sure does help them out of jam. and dax isn't about to step on anyone even if perhaps there should be some stepping. she is "conviction-less." but.

in a way. the show argues, while not really making the argument, that: dax's mistake is sourced in its own obligations. what's the point of anything if you're not going to risk it for sweet victory-biscuit? to risk something to get the details on some (potentially smart) maybe-fungus? to take a magic-carpet ride? to extract the dino-dna from the amber? to be curious? is that not also a carefully considered rectitude? is that not a justice--that, if one has the power to witness what exists, however weird, however potentially useless, then they possess a simple fealty, sworn to lord universe, as vassals made up of sensory powers, to continue witnessing? like "this planet is here and is therefore interesting and i seek glory thru it yay" and now she is presented with lives upon lives who absolutely need her--who existentially need her perpetual attention. as her curiosity dooms, her own version of personal law chooses for her too: odo and kira are sure of their own minds. dax is sure of everything else outside herself (or within herself but within a worm--the boundaries are fuzzy) and swears to it, quite a lot.

so like. where odo and dax agree about the value of a proto-universe, they disagree here. odo is like: "thou shall not kill. it is written." so he can just. unwrite a reality that is utterly dependent upon those that are not children of time, but freely moving amongst it. citizens, for instance, of the real. he breaks nothing bc the kira-dying reality is what is broken to begin with. also he's like. super in love. and dax is like: "phenomena! there it is! things that exist! in my hands and my choices, phenomena! you can't make me be god about it :(" and then her future self which is still technically her tries to be god about it and then ultimately doesn't. so.

what's really funny about all this is later when odo is fully on board with kira just throwing herself off a cliff bc of "fate," dax is in the background with miles coming up with scientific eviction papers for super-dimensional aliens. odo just accepts a law in contradiction to his own (he is large!) and dax is like "what even do we have to do with this" and "i think living is a lot more attractive." bc. the point is. they are foils.