#and having a name for it is so much easier (if thats what your experience is like)

[gender-euphowrya]

had a trans meetup today and a mom who recently learned her kid was trans and was clearly in distress about it came to ask for advice and all and ough my heart

[thisdreamplace]

for those who struggle

i recently got sent an anon message about frustrations surrounding the law, and how non-dualism hasn't made it any easier for them, but actually just more frustrating to the point where they're officially walking away from everything and wanting to just go back to live as they knew it before any of this.

the truth is that, oversimplification runs rampant in this community. as well as, hiding behind the realities of how difficult it all can be, because people are afraid of affirming that it's difficult or identifying with difficulty... but when we hide from this experience and try to come off as if it doesn't affect us, while simultaneously trying to give out advice, there tends to be more damage than good happening. the oversimplifying isn't the fault of anyone, as the truth is most of this is simple. but in actually living it, it tends to not be simple at all. the ego will fight till the very end to keep things the way they are, even when they hurt us. and that is worth being honest about.

when it comes to non-identification and indifference, this is not meant to be used to as yet another way to pretend something isn't happening or push down your feelings or gaslight yourself. i see these posts like, "just ignore the 3d and don't identify with it and you would have already have what you wanted" ..... this doesn't actually really help anyone, unless you're a person who strives on that kind of mentality. but i think a lot of people need a little more gentleness and realness, otherwise this journey wouldn't have been so difficult and painful. we'd all just get it overnight, but clearly, this community stays extremely active for a reason. because the million ways its already been explained still leaves so many confused and frustrated.

indifference is a daily practice, and it is NOT one that includes pretending something doesn't exist in exchange for getting what you want. it is actually, the extreme opposite. it's by acknowledging what's there... and allowing that to be what it is. the non-identification comes in from how you choose to see YOURSELF in relation to whatever that thing is. "this is painful, this sucks, i hate it... but that doesn't mean tomorrow won't be better for me. it doesn't mean my life is doomed..." etc etc etc. it's this very small flip within yourself, that actually leads to results. not trying to force yourself into believing you aren't even who you are when you've identified as yourself this entire life. remember that god's name is I AM, and literally nothing else.

and doing something to get something else is just... not it. it's time for you to truly want to feel better, regardless of anything else. that's why so much of this starts to get trickier than it needs to be.

non-identification is literally as simple as realizing... you are bound to no past, and you have the opportunity of every future you can possibly imagine. why ? because non-identification is literally just non-attachment. when you're not attached to this idea of who you were, of the struggles you used to face, you're able to allow in different experiences. and y'all... this as simple as being able to say to yourself, "i am allowed to experience something new" and don't let your fear of the unknown stop you from experiencing something new.

here's where it doesn't feel so simple though. how can you just stop identifying with this whole human self when the traumas of the past keep coming back to haunt you ? thats the thing. you don't just stop identifying with it. you let this be a process, a non-linear path to liberation. slowly, but surely, if you keep at it everyday, even when you feel you're only going backwards... one day you will realize how much more free you are. how much more easier it is to move into a new beautiful story for yourself, one that isn't contiminated by your past. but let today be today ! and whatever may come, let it come.

this is why just focusing on yourself is so helpful because if you're simply doing the best you can for yourself and your feeling state, the daily dramas are no longer your ruler.

the gag is that, the more you just do these small daily practices of sitting with yourself, choosing to not engage in the stories you used to identify with in the past, and allow new experiences to come to you... the more easy it gets, the more the truth of yourself begins to show itself on its own. you have to realize that the days are going to keep passing by anyway... so stop counting them, and just commit to yourself.

i also want to quickly note that so many seem to leave out the fact that behind all of this, within the pure nothingness that is also everything. behind our human identifications and all the things we have experienced in our lives, there is unconditional love. and when we actually begin to stop identifying so deeply with who we thought we are, we are lead right back to unconditional love. love in its purest form. so, use love as your guide when things get too difficult. it's the truest thing to who you really are.

you have to let allow yourself to experience the beautiful, despite how strange it may feel. because it's going to feel strange if you've never really experienced it before, and the ego is going to fight because even when it's good, the unknown is still strange and scary. and you never have to be perfect at this to get to experience the things you want, believe it or not. i know that i still have a long way to go on this journey, there may be much more time before i ever get to fully experience the promise in full, but that hasn't stopped me from experiencing the desires of my heart on a daily basis. that's because i used these simple things, these small little flips in how i chose to see life. even if the anxiety never went away, or it was a more difficult day full of tears... this is way more possible for you than you realize. if only you're willing to allow your life to be different than it's always been. just that small allowance, opens up all the doors.

xo dream 🕊

[williamtwerkin]

Jacob seed NSFW alphabet🔞

Haven't actually written and then posted one of these before so I hope you guys like it! I'll probably do a John nsfw alphabet next ;)

Also minors do not interact ☠️🙏

A = aftercare (what they're like after sex)

He probably wouldnt do much after. Depending on how he is feeling after he will cuddle with you until you fall asleep.

Other times he will leave you to clean yourself while he goes in the shower.

B = Body part (his favourite body part of his partner)

Thighs. This mf loves thighs, especially during sex he will give your thighs so much attention, kissing, nibbling, caressing. Jacob will grab your thighs and hold you up depending on what position you are in.

C = Cum (anything to do with cum)

Loves when you give him blowjobs, its such a turn on for him.

Prefers to pull out as he doesnt wish to have children because of what happened to him as a child and he doesnt want to repeat those things.

Will cum on your stomach almost every time you have sex, occasionally on your face too.

D = Dirty secrets

Likes it when you take charge sometimes as it reminds him that you aren't just some other "weak" individual.

He secretly likes when you flirt with him as its a huge turn on for him, because he himself has zero clue on how to flirt with people, hes basically a virgin when it comes to dirty talking to his lover.

E = Experience (do they know what they're doing?)

Jacobs sex drive isn't huge so he doesn't partake in sexual activities very often, however when he does he knows what he's doing. He's also very observant of you so he knows what you do like and what you don't which makes it much easier for him to please you in bed.

F = Favourite position

Missionary. Without question.

He loves that he gets to see your face while he's drilling his cock into you, he loves seeing the way your eyes roll back in pure pleasure and loves to see your expressions when you moan out his name. Loves it when you ride him while kissing him, it feels so intimate to him and he does appreciate you doing this more than you realise.

G = Goofy (are they humorous in the bedroom?)

No, Jacob probably doesn't joke much when making love to you as he sees it as a childish act. Considering how mature he is as well he does not try to engage in jokes of any sort, even when you laugh about something or say something jokingly he will most likely brush it off and not reply in a humorous way. Outside the bedroom he will occasionally laugh with you though it is very rare as he doesn't want his followers to see him as weak.

H = Hair (do they shave?)

He trims himself down from time to time but he is never fully shaved down there as he is not too fussed about that sort of thing but he will make an effort to shave more if thats what you prefer.

I = intimacy (how are they during the moment? Romantically that is)

He definitely has a more romantic side when it comes to being intimate with you. He loves to embrace you since it gives him reassurance that you are here and that you actually care for him. Will sometimes cup your face while riding him just so he can feel your skin on his even more.

J= Jerking off (masturbation headcanon)

Doesn't jerk off too much since he's always so busy with other stuff, like training the judges, doing trials for the new people he takes, and carrying out Joseph's will of course so he never really has time hence he never really thinks about it too much.

When he does jerk off though he will think about you the whole time, normally it will take him about 5-10 minutes before he cums but he tries to last longer so he can savour the feeling, especially if you are not there to tend to him when you are busy with other things.

K = Kink (their favourite kinks)

Choking, he loves choking you out just to assert dominance over you, it fires him up so much.

Huge hair puller! When you're doing it he will hold one of your thighs up while his other hand will grab your hair back so you have to look at him. Even though in this position he is normally behind you he does this so he can see your face to see how well you're taking his dick.

L = Location (favourite places to do it)

Definitely in his veteran centre, its where he feels safest, and it's almost guaranteed that no one will disturb you two as he can just command his followers to leave you two alone for however long he wishes.

He will do it outside with you sometimes if you two are out hunting together, he will not give a fuck either if anyone sees you both because you are in his region, who's going to tell him what he can and cannot do?

M = Motivation (what motivates them and what turns them on)

He will occasionally get turned on when you hug him from behind, as its something he secretly enjoys, if anyone else were to do that..say Faith for example he would not hesitate to shoot her on the spot☠️ but he's okay with it when it's you since he is use to it as you do hug him many times, especially from behind. It also gives him a sense of security even though he is literally the strongest man in the whitetail mountains and definitely does not need anyone to protect him or provide him with a sense of security, though with you he naturally just gets that feeling whether he likes it or not.

He gets so turned on when you show your strength whether it be mentally or phsyically as it shows your independence and your will to survive, something he very much values.

N = No (things they won't do/Turn offs)

Jacob is a simple man, he will not often change his ways when doing it with you, he's not very open to trying new things no matter how much he loves and cares for you, it's just not his thing.

He doesn't mind when pain infliction is used but when it goes too far he will say to you, or he will stop if he is the one inflicting the pain, even if you want him to do it. It is a huge turn off for him as he does not wish to harm you.

Not to mention certain things may trigger his ptsd and make him remember certain things which will then ruin the mood entirely, and he might not speak to you for a few days if this happens as you know how fragile he is when it comes to bringing up his past and for you to just ignore that would be a huge blow at his trust in you.

O = Oral (preference in giving and receiving)

He is very skilled with his tongue and will eat you out like a deprived wolf.

Loves giving you oral as well since he loves your thighs even more, he could literally eat you out for hours and still you'd want more from him, this is a huge confidence booster for him and everytime you whimper for him to give you his cock he will continue to just tease you orally, sometimes he will even leave you there as you plead for more just so he can have an excuse later to see you and finish what he started.

P = Pace (Are they fast? Or slow and sensual?)

Some days he will start off fast and keep that pace the whole time if he's angry about something or stressed about something, he has no time to cater to your needs when he is like this as he simply does not care.

Most days though he will give it to you slow, hard and rough, catering to your needs more while making sure you feeling every inch of his cock gliding in and out of your walls.

Q = Quickie (their opinions on quickies)

Though Jacob does enjoy when you two have more intimate moments, he cannot have that as much as he'd like as he is much more busy since the resistances activities keep on disturbing and destroying Joseph's work. Therefore if you two do need each other on days like these (which is more common since the deputies came to hope county) then he will just fuck you wherever whenever, he will still try to please you of course but if he is being called on to do something he will more than likely leave you, even if you yourself did not finish therefore leaving you to pleasure yourself without him.

R = Risk (are they down to experiment?)

Said this before kind of but Jacob is a simple man and will not change any of his sexual preferences even for you as he does not feel the need to try anything new as he is fine with what he does now.

S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go?)

This mf was in the army so his stamina is nuts even at his age.

He will go on for hours if thats what you want and if he has the time to do so.

T = Toys (do they use them?)

He probably tried them out when he was younger but now he doesn't see the need for them as he personally doesn't find them fun.

Jacob will not use toys on you unless you nag him about it so much that he caves in which almost never happens so good luck with trying to convince him😉

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

He is a huge tease sometimes when he knows you're in a needy mood.

Especially if you two are alone and he knows that no one is going to come and interrupt you two he will still tease you just to see how you react.

If you're out in the open with him while his soldiers are present he will whisper shit in your ear because he knows his voice is a huge turn on for you and he can enjoy watching you while you try to hide your glowing red cheeks.

V = Volume (How loud are they? What noises do they make etc.)

Jacob isn't very vocal when it comes to sex, he will rarely let out a low moan or whimper since he is too busy talking you through it.

But when he does get more vocal he does try to mask it by making you moan more as he doesn't want to seem less masculine for enjoying himself.

W = Wild card (A random headcanon for the character)

He adores when you touch and kiss the scars on his body, at first he was very skeptical about it as he's always been very insecure about them but now he loves seeing your lips connect to his most damaged parts.

He loves when you do this, so much in fact that he practically yearns for your touch, Howver he will never admit this to you no matter what, even though you already know that he secretly enjoys it.

X = X-ray (whats going on under their clothes👀)

Deffo like 6 inches with the perfect girth to stretch you out. Also a pale shaft and pale pink tip.

Y = yearning (How high is their sex drive?)

Jacobs sex drive is deffo not that high he can literally go months without touching you sexually.

If you are extra touchy with him and you keep teasing him then he will eventually give in and make you wish you never teased him in the first place.

Z = Zzzz (How quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

Jacob almost never falls asleep after you two finish as he doesn't sleep much all together anyways. But on the odd occasion that he does feel sleepy he will entangle his arms around you almost in a protective way, like a Wolf protecting their young.

[the-s1lly-corner]

Hey , how would Jeff the Killer, Slenderman, Ticci Toby and Eyeless Jack react to a Albino reader ?

Jeff the killer, Slenderman, Ticci Toby, and Eyeless jack w/ an albino!reader !

jeff and toby are the only two characters strictly written as platonic as per admins personal boundaries, but the others can be seen as either way YAHOO playing TLTs new fnaf song on loop while writing this its so mf good got my bones getting in a twist YIPEE did some research on albinism since i didnt want this to be the characters simply reacting to the surface level stuff so thats why it took a little longer to get to this ! hope thats okay!

SLENDERMAN:

sticking true to my personal headcanon that outside of feeding and running people out of his forest, he doesnt actually interact much with humans... asides from the additional torment he puts potential proxies through but hush hush thats a whole different can of worms. point is, i think its unlikely that he would meet someone with albinism. sure, hes probably seen albino animals now and then, but a person? new experience for him, but i dont think he would be treating you like a spectacle. puts two and two together not long after meeting you... though even if hes accepting of it, he doesnt know of the extra precautions you need to take (to protect your eyes and skin from the sun, for example) but hes pretty receptive i think... notices youre having a hard time on days where its sunnier out so he either keeps you inside or keeps you in the shade. doesnt like giving you things from victims, so hes going to find other means to get you what you need (sunscreen, hats, sunglasses, ect). generally very accommodating, has a soft spot for you. i mean of course he does, you managed to win over this ancient forest demon thing

EYELESS JACK:

already knows what it is, down to common traits and the different types since i personally hc that before he became this silly man eating demon he was studying in medicine + generally had an interest in this sort of thing. doesnt bat an eye to the way your eyes sometimes twitch or drift off, helps you to the best of his ability when the strain gives you headaches. very good at reminding you to reapply your sunscreen and to remember to wear a sunhat when you go outside. if he has to, hes going to give you his jacket just so you can protect your upper body long enough to get back to your place/// just please give it back when you see him again..

JEFF THE KILLER:

"has heard of it but like slenderman knows next to nothing about it asides from "oh it means you dont have pigment/have low pigmentation" has heard of it but like slenderman knows next to nothing about it asides from "oh it means you dont have pigment/have low pigmentation", but unlike slenderman hes kind of... an ass about it... like hes generally an arrogant asshole, so it may take a while for him to pick up on things to make things a little easier for you. seems like hes annoyed with helping you remember to pack your sunglasses and other necessities, or when giving you something to help with any headaches caused by any strain... but let it be known that if he truly didnt care he wouldnt even bother to pipe up and drag you out into the shade when the sun starts beating down on you two.. he simply shows his care for you differently, you know?

TICCI TOBY:

he gets it, he does. maybe this is because he relates to having to just. deal with stuff that makes you different from others. or because admin is on the fence of headcannoning toby with poliosis... which while not albinism, visually he can relate and also relate to some of the other symptoms of it (namely the eye issues). flip flops between reminding you to pack stuff you need and forgetting.. but when he does remember hes very pushy about it, so much so that you might need to tell him to tone it down. you guys tend to vent to one another about things since theres some relatability between the two of you. as mentioned in my previous post hes prooooooobalby going to steal things for you to help you feel better; from things that will physically help you to things that will emotionally help you

[vcaart]

What's your favorite thing that you've drawn right now? :DDDD

This is actually a super hard one for me! There's a lot of my art that I look back on and think "Well that isn't right" or "That's confusing to look at"

I really do strive to do my best in my art! Seeing as it's something I take pride in, and use any past mistakes I made as a learning experience moving forward! Such as watching out for tangents, knowing when to stop adding to a drawing, how to make a drawing look balanced, how I can make sure the values are clear and concise; Stuff like that!

That being said, there are some drawings I *do* still take pride in! Flaws and all!

I have a few favorites! So I'll show them below and list why for funsies lol!

"One last lie, one last witness."

This one was an absolute DOOZY to make and I'm very fond of it because this was actually me drawing in black and white for the most part! I did I lot of the color blocking and basic shading in black and white with a mixed up color palette, and it was super fun! Not to mention, this drawing really helped me figure out how I like to render, and I often draw in black and white still to this day to check for values!

Im also in love with the style I drew this in and the perspective, even if that wasn't the main focus :3

"(I don't actually have a name for this one I drew it for my fanfictionnn shhhhh)"

(Guys you'd never guess my favorite colors-)

This one you may be thinking looks like a similar case to the top one! But you'd actually be wrong! This one was actually me practicing mood lighting! Kokichi is my muse, if you couldn't tell lol. BUT regarding the mood lighting, I realized before drawing this I never actually practiced shading and lighting to create a specific mood, and while the colors probably don't fit the mood at all i think the shading does a pretty good job of it! Not to mention, this drawing actually solidified my rendering style! I found I actually working best painting over a rough sketch, and thanks to my previously mentioned drawing it was a lot easier for me to block out shadows! My "In the arms of a fallen angel" Kokichi drawing was a similar idea to this one, and is definitely lore refined than this one and executes mood lighting MUCH better. But I learned from THIS drawing to make that one look so good, so I like this one a lot lol.

I also just like the way this one looks, hehe... I think I drew Kokichi really well.

"The Impetus"

This was one of my FIRST times designing a character with a story to tell with its design! And boy, it was r o u g h. I used to communicate a lot of character traits through colors, instead of through design, which actually caused A LOT of issues with me making interesting character designs. So being forced to not only work in black and white, but design a character whose appearance is a direct outcome of the story and choices of the player was a challenge for me! This drawing may be far from perfect, but I learned a lot from it and that's why I'm so fond of it!

"THE ENTIRE MY LITTLE HARMONY LINEUP"

You know how I said I learned a lot about character design from the last one? Yeah, well now TAKE THAT UP A NOTCH

You may be like "But you're creating characters based off already made designs! It can't be that hard-" WRONG! It has been such a challenge designing these guys and putting my brain muscles to work because it's one thing to design a single original character, but designing pony versions of characters I love? THATS A WHOLE OTHER CHALLENGE

Between learning how to draw ponies, which mind you I haven't really EVER drawn before now, but also trying to capture the character INTO A LITERAL P O N Y was a harder challenge than I ever expected. Even as I'm working on it now, I'm looking back on design I made not that long ago and thinking about what I could've done better! Wild Card, for instance, looks to purple and lacks that iconic white and black feeling that suits Kokichi to a T! Avocado Toast may be aesthetically pleasing, but he lacks the same charm Rantaro has! Hazy Light is a pain in my butt and I can't figure out what is wrong with his design, but it doesn't feel like *Shuichi* yet, and eventually I'll figure it out!

This series has not only expanded my character designing abilities, but also helped me get a better feel for the characters I've loved for so many years! Which in turn helps me with designing original characters, believe it or not!

Now I could go on and on with other pieces I've learned from, but I think these are some of the major pieces that helped me improve my art the most! Hence becoming my favorites, hehe. I understand this was probably a bit overkill for this ask, but I just think art is neat in the way that art doesn't have to be GOOD to be a FAVORITE. A piece that looks good is nothing compared to a piece you LEARNED something from, and a piece you put THOUGHT and EFFORT into even if it was tough! That's so much more admirable than a piece that just looks pleasing to the eye.

Thank you for sending the ask anon! I hope you have a lovely day <3

[lucabyte]

ppl saying they look to my comics for inspiration and pointers on how to format things is WILDDDD to me (and delightful don't get me wrong!! i am overjoyed) because like. none of you are privvy to the absolute WAHHH I DONT WANNNAAA bitchfits i was *CONSISTANTLY* throwing every time i forced myself to make a comic before i got into isat. like no joke. i considered comics such a fucking difficult medium they always drained my drawing energy so hard because they always felt like they took sooo long and had so many moving parts and were so much harder than storyboards (WHICH I ALREADY STRUGGLED WITH) because you had to account for panel shape and speech bubbles and-- like you get it. but genuinely for real. the sheer amount that i complained whenever i clawed my way through drawing a comic (which thus! was not very fucking much!!) compounded by the fact that i *genuinely have trouble reading comics*. as in, i really struggle to parse the flow of contiguous movement or action between panels (possibly connected to the fact ive got mad aphantasia?) of even really well done best-of-the-best professional comics...

... BUT. basically. what im trying to get at is. if you wanna learn to draw comics, evidently you super can?! I genuinely *didnt* draw comics before drawing isat fanart! I have no idea what it was about ISAT fanart that made it finally click for me? (I think it was... not having to think about colour? Removing a step from the process really helped. Plus, it being fanwork meant I could just start en-medias-res and not have to think about setup... Trying to cram too much explanation and setup into my oc stuff was always a big hurdle too...)

I find them fast to do now! and damn if i dont value speed in art (<- impatient little fucker). its still going slowly on my oc comics.. mostly due to the colour again, i think. but it's not extremely, ecruciatingly difficult anymore. is what im saying. and im genuinely baffled by it every time i put pen to page. its fucked up. did you guys know that practice makes things easier? . fucking perverted if you ask me.

As for looking at other people's things for inspiration. if you want to know where I was looking when I was piecing together the first couple fancomics I did for ISAT i want to specifically point at . well besides everything rebecca sugar has ever done (for hands and facial expressions *especially*), the main person i really dug into the work of was Leo Fox (Website link). I feel like i wanna point people to the source of a lot of the inspiration for my more off-kilter panel choices so you all can get the full experience rather than through my regurgitated mimesis. I'm now at the point where i can wing panel layout so i wasn't in there for longgg but. everyone go add it to your knowledge banks as for SUBJECT MATTER aka why i am i so deranged. those are squarely the 2019 postcanon homestuck golden era bleeding through my CLENCHED BITTEN DOWN JAW. A BULL TERRIER ON YOUR BRACHIAL ARTERY. namely that @/floralmarsupial and @/tomatograter's works (no i am not tagging them . im shy) are things i go back to frequently and floralmarsupials pure black/white inktober comics were *especially* an inspiration. if you've been following me a few months you may remember me reblogging a bunch of their stuff from 2019~2021 for seemingly no reason. this was why. The narratively divorced reality of jade strider & Liminal Space are big in my mind here. I balk to call myself anywhere near as good as these but these are what i'm aiming for, tonally and quality-ways with it. also detective pony but ive mentioned that already and thats farrrr too inside baseball for this post.

BUT YEAH TL;DR: I DIDNT DRAW LIKE ANY COMICS UNTIL UHHHH LIKE, WHAT, LIKE 8 MONTHS AGO? JESUS. ANYWAY. THIS MEANS YOU 🫵🫵🫵 CAN DO IT TOO. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. DATTEBAYO!!!!

[ariestrxsh]

im a minor but i wanted to share this with someone.

i genuinely am so scared for myself i have major depression and my parents dont care. i physically cannot take care of myself and when i tell my parents that. they say im only lazy. i tell my psychologist and my therapist but my mom always makes me the bad person i just want the best for myself thats why i always share my stuff with them. on june of last year i attempted suicide and when my mom found out she said it should've been her trying to die cause no one does anything around the house. i cried because no one acknowledges my suffering. i self harm and my mom and dad say its stupid but dont do anything to help me at all. i just want to die so bad and they dont care what i go through.

Hi. :) That's really heavy. That's a lot to deal with as a kid. You know, I had a similar experience as a teen. I was very heavily into self-harm, and I had a lot of suicidal ideations. It was hard for me to get out of bed somedays. My parents thought I was lazy and whenever we had family therapy sessions, my mom was always the victim and no one was in as much emotional turmoil as she was. So I understand a lot about what you're going through.

Adults forget what it feels like to be a teenager. Childhood was so vibrant and lifelike, and now that you've been here for a while, the world has lost its color a bit, and you have a lot of the responsibility of being an adult without the freedoms. It's just fucking hard. When your parents forget what it feels like to be a teenager, it causes a rift in understanding where everything you do just appears to be 'lazy.' That has nothing to do with you, and it has everything to do with their own beliefs about their ability to parent and their own relationship with their inner child. I know that it's hard, but try not to take your parents words and actions towards you personally. It isn't about you! Even if they think it is.

I know that this is a lot easier said than done, but I want you to try out a little experiment when you feel like the really big emotions are taking over. Try taking a step back from yourself and watch the emotion play out, almost like the emotion that's happening is a cloud slowly passing by overhead and you're laying in the grass watching it. Name the emotion when it happens. Is it anger? Is it sadness? Give it a name and listen to what it has to say to you. When you separate yourself from the emotion and the thoughts and beliefs that come with the emotion, notice the stillness in its place, that part of you deep down inside that can't be shaken, bothered, or swayed. Some call it your consciousness, some call it your soul or spirit, it's like a wise, quiet stillness that exists within you, and the more time you spend with that part of yourself, I think the more you will feel at peace and the more you'll be able to separate yourself from other people's bullshit, and you won't have to absorb it so much.

I know this was kind of all over the place, but the moral of the story is, is that in the same way you are stuck in a pattern of depression and self-harm, your parents are stuck in their own pattern, and it has nothing to do with you. You can't change the way other people relate to the world around them, but you can change the way you relate to the things others say about you or think of you if you find the right tools.

As for the self-harm, you'll quit when you're ready to. No one can make you. And once you find better ways to cope with everything, you'll find healthier vices. The world is a better place with you in it. And the next time you feel like it's not, take a few deep breaths and connect to that part of you that doesn't think, doesn't feel, doesn't dwell, and just exists.

💖

[system-of-a-feather]

there's a solid chance you've talked about this before and I just missed it, so I'm super sorry if thats the case, but if you feel comfortable discussing it: what are your thoughts on the whole tulpamancy cultural-appropriation debate? i feel like the debate is populated by a disproportionate amount of non-buddhists, so I'd love to hear your thoughts on it as someone who is actually part of the affected group.

have a good one!!

-ray (@rayssyscourse)

Oh I have talked about it A LOT cause its one of the topics I like to think about and examine from different perspectives (and debate within our parts a lot) but I absolutely don't mind being asked about it. Tbh I welcome any like specific questions cause it's a very complex topic imo that I really honestly couldn't do justice in a single post if I wanted to, particularly since my opinions are pretty complicated. I'll link some of the more recent-ish posts we've made on the topic cause it's easier than going into each of them. I often talk about it whenever I have a Thought On The Matter that I feel is worth sharing AND I have the energy to do so.

The short answer is that I honestly think its way too complicated than any straight forward "side" or answer I could simply summarize in anything less than maybe five paragraphs and even then I'd probably do my opinion disservice.

I do take pride in being one of the main runners who started the first relatively recent wave of Tulpacourse like in 2021 or 2022 I think? At that point I hadn't gotten too into Buddhism beyond a cursory ankle dip into it since I found that when I went into it earlier, as much as it was helpful, it fucked with our dissociation a lot so a lot of my views then were built on a reverence but superficial skin deep understanding of Buddhism (which is still much deeper than the average person's understanding of it since even on a skin deep level there is a lot of misunderstandings due to the western mysticism of Buddhism) and mainly charged from my experiences as a POC interacting with white people.

Generally, I do stand slightly on the "if I have to pick a side" opinion of "it is cultural appropriation and people should probably not use it" as I feel a lot of people that want to use the term don't acknowledge and want to consider the complications, history or any of the details to it and with the community as it stands, I don't think there is enough genuine and honest respect to the history of the term "tulpa" and the harm its done and the relationship it has to orientalism / cultural appropriation and what not. So generally speaking, if you made me say "which side to I stand with", I'd probably lean on the "yeah its cultural appropriation and shouldn't be continued" but that's really only on the conditional that - for whatever reason - talking about it and discussing the nuances, intersectionality, history, and present issues / aspects of the term is off the table.

Ideally, I'd honestly really just like to be able to have a not-heated no-judgement no-name-calling no-winning/loosing discussion with people in the tulpamancy community about a number of things and compared and contrast experiences, practices, values, etc of the tulpamancy community against that of Buddhists and ALSO talk about the complicated and problematic history it has and what can be done to better respect the history.

I don't (anymore) think that people HAVE to not use the "tulpa" term and I really don't think its productive to try to make someone not use a term just by saying "stop its bad" or "stop its racist". I think its much more productive to hold a discussion and talk about it and develop a much more developed understanding of the term and it's history and its relation to complex topics.

I do think there is a large racism issue in the tulpamancy community though, but I don't think its fair to dunk an entire practice, concept, and community based on the bad apples, even if the bad apples may be the majority and/or the loudest bunch.

I've been meaning to continue a conversation on the topic with @discourse-by-candlelight but the two of us are awfully cursed with the "we actually find this topic really interesting and important and so we want to be able to dedicate our full attention and mental space to genuinely considering the information provided and responding with my thoughts and thus RARELY have that ideal perfect mental place to reply"

But honestly, I think there's a lot more benfit to talking about the many intersecting and complex topics within tulpacourse than just simply regurgitating and parroting the not-wrong but also not-right "tulpamancy is cultural appropriation". I also think its especially not helpful when people parrot that in a context that is not it's original intent or use it to push an agenda that is not inline with the original values and intent in statement

(that being, the core issue with that statement is that tulpamancy is bad because its built upon orientalism, eastern mysticism, and just white people taking advantage of eastern cultures; therefore people who actively state other things that ALSO harm AAPI / eastern cultures should not be pretending to be an ally to AAPI; for more on this read the third linked post below)

But genuinely its something I have a lot of thoughts on and if you got any specific questions feel free to ask, cause honestly I like talking about this stuff and navigating the complexities of it and I'd really like to see a more nuanced and conversational discussion on the topic of tulpacourse.

Here's a bit of a directory of some recent-ish posts on it from us:

Nuanced Perspectives and Aspects to Consider in the Tulpamancy-Is-Appropriation Debate and My Thoughts

Anon Asking About the Term Thoughtforms

People who say "tulpamancy is cultural appropriation" but then state that plurality is inherently clinical / disordered / only due to trauma are honestly acting more annoyingly white / western than people who do engage and use the term tulpa / tulpamancy (also known as me being a clown and making "one" post about tulpamancy, spoiler it was way more than one post)

General Reflections on Buddhism, Plurality, Final Fusion / Functional Multiplicity

[radicalcoffeeclub]

i have been feeling really caught between worlds lately as a trans person who believes sex based oppression is the basis for misogyny, and i wanted to say it was a relief to find your blog and see there are still feminists who respect my identity/dysphoria while also not denying the material reality of female subjugation.

i think your stance is perfectly reasonable and hold many of the same opinions. youd be surprised how many trans people actually agree with feminist thought in private. i think more of us agree with feminist thought than are willing to admit to ourselves, but bc of this tribalist sort of culture we have built up where associating with The Other Side is grounds for permanent ostracism, a lot of us just keep quiet and try not to think about it. it's been getting worse as well with the culture war- it is far easier to behave reactively and blame some woman with a blog for our dwindling rights than to face the overwhelming reality of how much power a few wealthy men hold over all our lives.

i have hope though that feminism will gain ground in our spaces again, and i do my best to try to bring more feminism into my own spaces. sorry this got long, i was just so relieved to see someone talking sense and wanted to let you know your words and respect aren't wasted. i do not think you are an "evil terf" who hates us.

Thanks for sending this, this is such a nice message! I agree it sucks that there is such a big division between people and ideas right now that it seems impossible to find common ground when there would actually be quite a bit of it. I feel like it wasn't even that long ago when it was generally acceptable to hold both the beliefs that biological sex is immutable and it matters as well as that some people are trans and that it isn't very hard to accept that. I don't need to rub it in a trans person's face that I think of gender entirely differently from them. I don't need to argue with my nonbinary friends that they're women. Just like I don't need to argue with every religious person I know that their god isn't real. I don't need to call people by a name they don't want to be called just because "that's your real name". I too ask people to call me by my nickname instead of the name my parents gave me. As with religious people, I only take issue when they start imposing their beliefs on me or saying that I'm not allowed to do or say something because of their beliefs.

Personally, the things that have pushed me towards radical feminism regarding trans issues have been 1) the increasingly pervasive claim that biological sex isn't real and doesn't matter, 2) the push for laws that essentially harm women's rights and 3) the push to allow medical transition for children (which will among other things make them unable to experience sexual pleasure and idk why any trans activist would even want that for other trans people). I agree this has become a culture war of sorts where both views get further and further. I don't really agree with quite a few takes I see on radblr. I don't agree with mocking or taunting trans people just because we disagree. I think too many radfems are making fools of themselves and radical feminism by acting like bullies. Some will justify it with "well tras post this and that and thats worse" but like, just don't engage with that shit. It's not necessary. All it does is further inflame this shit and reinforce an us vs them mentality. No I don't think we need to be nice and shut up uwu but everyone should consider whether what they're saying is constructive or destructive.

It's interesting to read that you think many trans people/trans activists agree with (radical) feminist points but wouldn't admit that because there's such a big division and people fear getting ostracised. It's a big issue that the discussion has become such walking on eggshells and anyone with a different view can quickly be labelled a terf and discarded. There's a lot at stake when possibly your entire social and friend group could dump you for being seen as a transphobe - even for expressing lukewarm takes that wouldn't have shocked anyone 15 years ago.

Again thanks for this message! Good food for thought. And good for you for trying to make the discussion more nuanced in your circles! We need more of that everywhere. You're not alone.

[hazshit-hotel-hater]

I'm not a "ship" person whatsoever but I do scroll character tags on occasion and see quite a bit of Vox and Vel together as well as what seems to be a lot of what I'm assuming is female original character stuff. I've even seen some Charlie and Vox too. So it's out there, but unless you're scrolling through character tags I can see how it might be hard to find. Personally, I also block/filter a lot of the big "ship" tags so maybe that also makes it easier for me to stumble across this stuff that "slips" through since I don't know if those pairings have names.

I get your point though. I do think many are inclined to erase his bisexuality when it's convenient. Interestingly, they also erase Valentino's pansexuality too. The same with Husk as well, but I check his tag a lot less so who knows.

What disappoints me, and I know I'm about to come off as nit-picky right now lol, is the lack of research people put into their "sexuality" headcanons for the characters with reference to their different eras. When reading some of them, you'd think the idea of "gay rights" was a completely new and foreign topic that only emerged after the early 2000s. I get people want to go for the simplistic "repressed and doesn't know what being [insert identity here] is" for some of the older characters but that completely ignores a fascinating and rich tapestry of queer history that could create far more interesting (and still accurate) stories for the characters/their backgrounds. I would really encourage those who haven't already or are generally unfamiliar to dive into this history as it might inspire their character ideas while also educate them on the work, art, and activism our queer elders have contributed to the community we have today.

I think this may partially relate to character ages being under explored as well. While I've seen debate on what is canon/has been decanonized many of these characters, as far as we know, died in their late 30s and beyond. That's a lot of life to live and experience. While certainly many people throughout history (and even today) kept their sexuality hidden from the public due to culture, shame, and safety that doesn't mean there weren't many incredible private venues/spaces that could be utilized to explore those feelings/identities in secret.

I could go on and on about this but I've totally strayed from your original point (I'm sorry!) and I'm very tired haha. I just think there are multiple factors coming into play here with these character interpretations and, for me, the biggest missed opportunity is the lack of historical research. But end of the day people should have their fun! Just an observation.

Completely agree with this! I doubt my response will be as long since I just woke up but other characters doing certain things or not knowing about sexualities is interesting, it just seems like a lot of people think older people don’t want to explore any of that like it only just happened recently as you said. I like to joke about Angel being shocked about gay marriage and not knowing a bunch of current terms but thats about it. With him being in the mafia when he was alive makes it much more interesting as well, I’m pretty sure around his time the mafia was blackmailing men in gay bars but dont quote me on that I might be wrong.

Anyway for Husk and Valentino pan erasure I see that a bunch too. Not exactly erasure but just… ignoring it? Moreso erasure on Valentino’s end because Ive seen people get mad at people for shipping Valentino with a woman and was like “hes gay dont do that” no he isnt. Also dont ship Valentino with anyone for the love of god. But like people are super used to just making up headcanons that they dont bother to look up actual canon stuff. I know Hazbin isn’t the best but if you want canonically LGBTQ+ characters use what you have and add on later. Or headcanon a background character, thats what I did with Molly.

People are very focused on modern day queerness and forget that this stuffs been happening for decades and it’s a bit sad. Also I seem to have strayed from my own question as well?? Anyway ty for mentioning this! Its very interesting 🩷

[bunnidid-reviews]

hello 🌷 I hope you're doing well. i wanted to ask and I hope this isn't offensive in any way.. so those w did and osdd have the word system to refer to themselves as, right? what about the c ptsd fragments / parts? some r saying that they give their parts names even, but I don't do that.. tho I do want to make it clear to my loved ones that I am fragmented if that makes sense, and maybe even tell them what this ep does and how my anp usually behaves but im confused. i don't want to make it look like im different people but I know they get confused when I differently to protect myself or shift states, so I do want to explain!! im not in the community yet hence why I asked. thank you and I apologize if this was rough to read. ☺️

Hi anon! Thanks for reaching out. Pls note I’m not a professional and can’t give advice or speak for how the community feels, just going off my own experiences

So I’m a full supporter of using what language makes sense to you and your loved ones when explaining what’s going on for you. If that means using system language to describe it all, theres literally no issue with it at all, especially when its just between you and loved ones anyway. Sorry, but I’m not going to gatekeep words, thats silly! People might get confused if you talk about it in a more public way but thats about it.

I frequently change up my words according to who I’m telling about this all, depending on what they understand. Not everyone knows I have DID but I’ve had to explain what happens sometimes because I’m pretty overt with my presentation and I don’t really like having to do the whole ‘do you believe me or are you going to be fucking weird about this’ song and dance.

Here are some words that might suit you, based on things I’ve used to explain my parts without outing my DID entirely that you may or may not find useful:

- parts of self (‘this part of myself’, ‘the traumatized part of myself’, ‘the part of myself who struggles with this specific thing’, etc. descriptors help a lot to differentiate)

- trauma brain and present brain (easier, snappier, more to the point than ANP and EP, nicely not specific to any one part. Sometimes people use left brain and right brain to explain their logic side and creative side, so its the same kinda thing)

- using animals to describe whats going on (my housemates use things like ‘feeling stalked by hyenas’ when feeling urgency, or ‘hiding like a wounded animal’. This is pretty normal too, like ‘a deer in headlights’ used to describe someone whos frozen or confused)

- age descriptors (‘me at seven’, ‘teenage self’, etc. )

- job descriptions (‘the part of me that can go to work’, ‘the aggressive part of me’, ‘the part of me who cries all the time’. Makes it easier to get to the point of what this part does)

As for a system of parts, if you don’t feel comfortable using system, here are some others I’ve used:

- animal groupings (a flock, a murder, a herd, a colony, whatever works here)

- computer or machine terminology (‘my inner processing unit’, ‘my folders full of memory files’, idk I use the term ‘programming’ a whole lot with my loved ones because of how theyve said that I respond like a robot, but I’m certain some people here would be upset that I use their Very Special Terms. But if its in the privacy of your own home I really do not think it matters)

- Literally any sort of grouping analogy, whatever makes sense to you and feels right. You could say a jar full of trauma buttons or something idk! Up to you! Get creative with it

R and I constructed an understanding of my DID without using the Big Community Words because it was just me and him figuring it out for a few years. Things like The Personas (instead of parts or alters), the Council Of Bunny, trauma brain/present brain, The Guys In my Head.

When it comes down to it, you and I are on the same spectrum anyway. DID is not some special disorder, its just C-PTSD with extra steps really. So I wouldn’t worry too much about all this. I wish you luck in finding words and phrases that suit you and your loved ones’ understanding of what’s going on. Having someone Know helps so so so so much

And also if I totally misunderstood and you were just wondering what the C-PTSD community uses.. i have no idea sorry! Maybe look into inner child language? I’m not even caught up on my own community

[timebuddiez]

Okay I finished Astral Codec, wanna lay out my thoughts here :]

Spoilers for Outer Wilds and of course the mod Astral Codec below :P

Alright first of all, everything visually looked supppper cool. Like the Lingering Chime itself was so beautiful. Also it was cool how you could see everything through your camera before you activated the cube thing that let you see ghost matter and everything else (I actually at first thought I had to find a way in using just seeing through the camera LOL). And the things added fit in with the rest of the world really well I'd say. I really liked the Nomai reunion memorial I thought it made a lot of sense, and the idea of the Brittle Hollow tree on ember twin showing how they could thrive anywhere? OUGH. Was so sweet. i also think it would make a lot of sense for the Nomai to have set up something outside of dark bramble as well since the only actual danger is on the inside. I liked the use of warp tech there as well. Also I feel like somewhere it was mentioned that it was Cherts ship that had the baby angler fish on it (though I could be hallucinating that) so even their notes being there at the ruins made sense!! Even the color they chose for the entries in the ship log I really liked LOL. Overall felt like very fitting editions.

Okay puzzles. Loveeeddd the puzzles for this. There was never really a point where I was super lost which was nice, though having deep knowledge of the games lore already definetly made things a lot easier. Like I imagine if I didn't know about the Self easter egg I would've struggled with that one a lot, and if I didn't already know ghost matter was ineffective in water it would've taken awhile to get the signal in there. I think my favorite thing was having to decode the symbols, and I'm actually sitting at the home screen now and I can see the symbols behind the logo for astral codec and it lines up with the letters and THATS SO COOLLL. Here are the notes I took to solve them xD

Just overall the puzzles really felt like they could fit as ones in the base game. Minus the symbol one probably since that's not really something that can log in your ship, like there was a reason I had to bust out the notes app lmao. There also was a time I was terrified I was gonna have to do everything for the codec on the same loop as getting to the eye LMAO but I was was wrong thank god. But yeah, very nice puzzles I had a fun time figuring out :3

Alright this has been very positive so far, but I do have to warn were getting to stuff I wasn't quite a fan of :P (though I still had a great time and don't regret playing at all!! :])

Alright so , I didn't really vibe with the overall story of it honestly. I felt very disconnected from the 3 new characters, and maybe it was partially them having like, titles instead of names, but I feel like it was mostly how little we actually hear from them. Like I don't know, the whole thing is them wanting to preserve their story and memories, but like. I really didn't learn much of anything about them, so it was hard to feel invested in wanting to help them with that yk? And it felt almost, a bit self important? Like oh WE have to be remembered by the next universe!!! Idk HDKDH feel free to disagree that's just where my head was at with it 🤔🤔 I'd love to hear other interpretations though. I did really like their edition to travellers though hehe. Very nice, though I do wish their thingy was closer to the campfire, that also didn't help with feeling disconnected from them.

I think the thing with the interloper was interesting! Though idk if it was explained how the fuel geode broke off ? Maybe I just don't remember lol. Though the message in there REALLY solidified my 'self important' assessment to me. They were like I'm so sorry if this ruptures and kills you all but also if it does it was #lolworthit . Like dawg u annihilated them and for what 😭😭😭

Overall very fun experience! If not for the story aspects related to the craft, then for the Nomai editions. It was great visually, musically, and puzzle wise. Give it a solid 7.5/10.

Anyways, looking forward to trying out more mods!! I think the next one I'm gonna try is The Outsider :3 thanks for reading if you got this far lols ^-^

[aesrot]

Feel free to delete this, but I remember you saying that you liked Sonadow (I think that’s the ship name?). Anyway this is your invitation to infodump about them as much as you want. Also if you want to give fanfic recommendations I just might read them <3.

GIGGLES you shouldnt have said this >:3

idek what i could talk abt bc at the same times theres a LOT but also, despite me being mostly caught up game lore wise, i still dont feel like i have a good enough understanding of the characters, i'll probably only feel that when im caught up w the comics. which,,, will take me a good while to get through (just the archie comics are like over 500 issues long lol)

BUT. hmm what could i say that doesnt really require much prior knowledge...

ig, as every ship i ever ship, i see them more as queer platonic, sonic gives me the strongest aroace vibes, so i feel like his love for shadow wouldnt take a much different shape than his love for his other friends. but their connection goes a lil further to me, bc, when it comes to certain stuff, i feel like they're the only ones who can understand each other. and shadow... my dearest little guy... he represses a lot. his life experience wasnt. the best. i dont think he got that many opportunities to explore his own emotions, he probably cant even name a bunch of his emotions, its just easier to lash out, thats smth he's used to. he knows violence, it feels safer, he knows that dance.

and its because sonic has his fair share of violent background (aka, took up the role of a hero since he was way too young) that i feel like he is one of the few who can read shadow much easier than anyone else. hell, sonic himself is kinda knee deep in some repression (in my own understanding of his character). obvs most of this is bc its a franchise that targets kids, they wont get wild w the angst, but my boy sonic be out there fighting all the time and takes on a responsibility that shouldnt be his, the consequences of his actions can be catastrophic sometimes (once again asking everyone to watch sonic prime <3333 so much angst potential, im not normal abt it), and even when things go wrong, he jut smiles and powers through it. just think this for a second. god. imagine the amount of times he pushed himself beyond his limitations for the sake of others, how many times he pretended to be fine....

and yet. despite all that, they are terrible with communicating to each other, so things get physical often (as in fighting, not sexual, which makes it even gayer to me <3), and sigh. not surprising. put two stupid traumatised hogs in the same room and they'll either zoom around trying to race each other or they'll try to tear each others throat bc they just cant be normal together. ig thats how they communicate, go figures lol

my thoughts are all over the place atm so its hard to make this coherent <- my thoughts abt them are usually just violently screaming and sobbing. im sooo normal abt them. cant get much deeper than this without getting into the Lore, but yeah, ig this is smth

and oh, abt fanfics, hmmm i dont have that many that you could read without any background, but i did just finish this one shots collection thats very sweet and pretty chill to read without much prior knowledge, its mostly just a bunch of fluffy sick fics and them exploring their own feelings.

[is-that-plural]

SORRY GOT A RANDOM HYPERFIXATION ON DHMIS AGAIN AND I HAVE TO PUT THIS FELLA IN FOR SUBMISSION BECAUSE I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT HIS SYSTEMNESS FOR A WHILE NOW;

YELLOW GUY FROM DON'T HUG ME I'M SCARED

more specifically from the show but all media should prob be considered [i will be talking about the show tho]

ok so the creature fits basically the entire criteria for DID except TECHNICALLY the cause for his multiple selves is because hes a robo guy and his batteries are extremely worn down and out of shape. ;; elaborating on this, theres the regular yellow guy, then when he gets better batteries, theres a different version of him. He is physically different from normal yellow guy only slightly, he has a more tidied appearance with his hair being brushed, and his eyes being a noticable bright green [a big contrast from his usually black eyes]. All of the characters on some level experience amnesia and seem to not have like. i don't know like cognitive impairments? theres SOMETHING different about them and it shows throughout the whole show. AND. Theres an episode where he dissociates and escapes to a fantasy that COULD be interpreted as a headspace :). Theres just no way that he HASNT dissociated before. The reason he dissociated in the episode is because his friends ["friends", its complicated and i really hope youve watched the show cuz thatll make this explanation a lot easier] were being jerks and he felt isolated. His relationship with his friends is usually strained and he's usually being yelled at and isolated/othered from them. AND the whole reason they yell at him is because he forgot something important!!! IDK at first this was acompletely random hc but now im not sure if im reading into it too much or if these are str8 up symptoms that just ARE THERE,,, yk? i NEED to know your opinionnnnn

-🌀sys (blurry as HELL but maybe scout o7)

!! rating ; theres dots to be connected, making him a good character for headcanons + aus but no canon plurality in this one im afraid

at first just looking at the characters name i was like 'well i don't think so?' but you explained more in the tv show and i dont remember the tv show all that well, we best recall the webseries, and this has so many aspects of plurality !!

the batteries bit is what leaves him in the 'not plural' category sadly, and im hesitant to fully call him a robot because dhmis is a series all about Creepy Things and creep Factors and its a lot more creepy to think of his batteries as something on His Flesh rather than metal.. but maybe thats just me talking out my ass i dont know lmao

maybe we need to rewatch the show HAHA

[ty-bayonet-betteridge]

Gimme directors commentary for Two Liars Lying To Eachother please!

its been a while since ive thought about this fic in any capacity lksajdaskdfld lets see if it still holds up! directors commentary for chapter 1, i'll be doing the others separately later :D

Each of his hands was cuffed to one of the table's legs, somewhat restraining his motion. He hated it; he preferred being able to fidget.

autism edgar but this also isnt the sort of autism i tend to see him as having? idk the idea of edgar stimming is very weird to me

That was a somewhat good sign. He took another glance at the large, mirrored wall of the room, which he had no illusions was reflective on the other side. The only question was whether anyone was in the viewing room to catch his knowing glances.

theres an XKCD about how fun it is to occasionally announce "i know you're listening" to an empty room, because if you're wrong nobody will ever know and if you're right it will freak the HELL out of them. thats basically what Mustardseed is doing here.

According to Michael, he had traded himself in to the compound in exchange for catching Mustardseed - for catching me, Edgar thought, smiling faintly.

seamless exposition, me. i had to establish that this Edgar was Mustardseed, but the narration is roughly tied to his view of things, and Mustardseed doesn't think of himself as Mustardseed, just as Edgar, so the narration couldn't call him Mustardseed.

The door swung open and in came Ty Betteridge. He was a few years older than the last time Edgar had seen him, back when he'd killed him inside of Tier Two on the night Base was formed,

...wasn't that Hunter? or did it become Edgar that killed young!Ty in the post-72 timeline? i am confuse

Well, I appreciate making me feel like a criminal after you plucked me out of the middle of my normal day.

hes so bitchy and for what?

If you're worried about unpredictability, why does the cowboy get to roam free? He's been rather hard to keep under control, in my experience.

i wanted to make it clear just how bitter Edgar is towards all members of Base, so of course five seconds into this conversation he tries to fuck Michael over

Ty's grin was somewhat predatory.

this fic is 90% me looking for different ways to describe smiles. Ty and Mustardseed are both very smiley.

They called you OVEdgaR,

i think im the only person who capitalizes ovedgar that way

"With my husband, yeah." Edgar smiled and raised his left hand to show off the simple wedding band. "Mm. Congrats. Mike told me he wasn't married to you, how odd."

I FORGOT HOW DISMISSIVE TY SOUNDED HERE. he cares of course but

Base Mike and Edgar aren't married.

i try to be very precise about the names characters use for each other, because i think its a very quick way to characterize relationships. Mustardseed always refers to them as "Base Mike" and "Base Edgar", while Ty refers to them as just Mike and Edgar, or possibly Mikey and Edgar, depending on context.

"Hm. You're much less trouble than the Mikes; each one of them ties so much into their name. It's a little exhausting keeping track of them, to be honest." "Well, I never really had trouble with it, but I suppose it is easier if you care about him." Edgar smiled like he hadn't just thrown out the barb. Ty laughed. "I care about Mike Walters more than you can imagine, Panther." Ty grinned, waiting to see if Edgar would respond to the pet name. Edgar kept his face neutral and pleasant.

Edgar definitely won that exchange :P its important to me that Edgar feels like he's in control of the conversation even though he very clearly isnt in control of the situation, because that's the vibe he gave off in ep 84.

Moving on… you established a campaign of terror against Mike's base in an attempt to free yourself and your… husband… from their control. Is that right?

Ty is reading these questions off his clipboard and the prompt on it didnt say "husband," it said "OVER Mike." HOWEVER the pause before saying it was something Ty probably did deliberately to keep up his veneer of indifference.

"I'd rather not put Michael through any more undue stress. He's had a hard couple of days, especially with all the strain you've been putting on him."

this is so funny to me, because it IS another barb, but its also sort of Ty trying to guilt-trip Edgar like thats gonna work??? :P

I have a lot of sympathy for Michael too, but as far as I know, he's never had anyone threaten him at gunpoint to stay in Base.

i'll be honest, he probably has. Michael's seen some shit

"I am sorry for your situation, Edgar, I really am. But you do keep pulling me away from the questions, and the sooner we get these done, the sooner we can get you out of those cuffs and moved to your quarters."

this is a very Ty Betteridge thing to say. like yeah, im sorry that YOU keep delaying me from getting you comfortable. hes so...

So he was listening when Michael and I were talking.

reading it back, i feel like i didnt give the audience enough credit. they probably could have picked up on these little jabs and maneuvering tactics without me having to point them out. anyway yes, ty is doing this interview only half for actual information gathering reasons, the other half is just to waste edgars time as a form of basic psychological warfare

Your Base may be rudimentary, but I believe that you are a smart man, Edgar.

i keep pointing out the little jabs and not having much to say about them, but theyre still so good to me. "i know all your friends are stupid but i didnt think you were too"

"Sometimes smart people do dumb things in the heat of passion." "And is that the only reason you made those thirty-two duplicates?" "It's the only reason I'm going to be telling you."

i'll be honest, i have no idea what i was hinting at here. i think canon at one point suggested there might have been an ulterior motive to the Mustardseed escapees, but i didn't make any sort of plan for what that might be. if i had to retroactively justify it, i'd say Mustardseed's future scouting told him that the escapees would be consolidated into MW, and that MW's existence was important to his plans somehow.

"I've got all day, Ty." Edgar smiled across the table, a smile that didn't reach his eyes.

i just ctrl+f'ed and the word "smile" appears 7 times in this 1k word chapter.

[littlest-bugz]

Hope it's okay to send this for the ask game! We've really enjoyed reading all your answers :)

🥀 + 📻

No worries! You can def send them in (and Im glad u enjoyed reading our answers :D I just figured everything was abysmally buried)

🥀 - do you keep track of your alter count? how do you do so?

So!! We use 3 different things for managing alter info, and then one separately. 📓 is our archivist and he is!! Bonkers /j.

First he uses simply plural for the custom field feature, and the layout of the app. He has a shit ton of custom fields put in for anything you can reasonably think of for an alter. Then, he uses Pluralkit because we have a system discord. Theres a template he made that we r going to upload soon. THEN in the system discord has an even longer version of the template he made (that cant be used in pk bc of the length). On top of it all, we have a notion journal with all the same shit + personal journals. Why did he do that to himself? /j lh/ No, but those are the three ways we manage to keep track of alters. Not all of them are uploaded, and furthermore, not all of them are uploaded in all of the places. We try to keep our simply plural for the bulk of it.

Other apps we use as a system that dont keep track of alters, but we find helpful regardless:

- Mindly: A mind mapping app that is pretty user friendly/easy to use. Not a super high learning curve imo, but it can be confusing upon initial use. If u are any flavor of polyfragmented, it may be harder to keep track with the free feature. We have 3 separate mind maps for the 3 separated areas in our system.

- Calm Harm: We have a horrible self harm addiction 😃 this app tho? It helped a ton in our beginning days of stopping. We don’t SH as much anymore bc of coping™️ but its still helpful for alters who cant control the urge as well as the others.

- UpWord: Its a notes app that can be locked via a passcode. It also has a built in reminders feature. We use it for keeping track of body info, extra info, routines, and general alter stuff. Its become pretty obsolete for us because of the onslaught of programs 📓 uses, but it keeps track of stuff for us still. It has a $4 upgrade to change the colors, remove ads, and more. Id say only purchase it if you end up liking it and using it more than other apps. It’s worth it imo, but if ur broke like me and $4 is a lot, hold off until you use it.

- Selftalking: one of those back and forth, self chat apps. I find it easier to use than Antar (which i still don’t know how to use to this day), but you’ll probably have to make the convos as needed, as opposed to making them all and having alters search their name,,, but it does have a search function if needed. We found the search function helpful. It is, undoubtedly, super ugly from an app design standpoint, and its not entirely user friendly. The ads are incredibly annoying as well, but its a much worth it $1 purchase imo.

📻 - do you experience amnesia?

Yes, but most of it is drug related these days I think (as 🎸, the addiction holder). We’ve been working on functional multiplicity for a while so (day to day) memory sharing is getting easier, but we have a lot of what our therapist calls “cold switches” where theres usually hesitance or stubbornness or any negative emotion that leads to the switch being more disorienting and heightened amnesia. Its like,, idk hard to explain?? Most of the time theres about 9-10 of us front at any given point. Its actually really annoying to have so many of us front and then our amnesia STILL sucks. Like imagine you switch w/ the dude next to you in front and there being complete amnesia between the two until prev dude briefs him on whats been happening.

The way our front works, whoever fronts the frontest (lol) usually has less access to the innerworld, usually forgets what they were doing on the innerworld, they also usually forget what we were doing in a time range of,,, 30min - 3/4 hours, and thats if they are cofront. We’ve had alters who when cocon can remember all this shit but when they front they forget a bulk of it. It’s weird, but we’re working on it.

BUT YEAH! Feel free to send in more or ask non ask game questions!