#and have been good about substances which like I haven’t bad about for a little while but I like to monitor

[prozach27]

.

[house-of-lovin]

legally binded

Jenna Ortega x F!Reader

masterlist | next part

Summary: After getting caught in some hot waters with the press, you are forced into an unexpected agreement with America's sweetheart, Jenna Ortega to save your career.

Warnings/Tags: famous!reader, mentions of hard substances, intoxication, mature language, real people (do not read if any of these makes you uncomfortable)

Note: Wrote a quick one, I don't usually write about real people so (this is all fiction, don't take it seriously) Can you tell I'm procrastinating on my other WIPs.

Word Count: 2.1k+

“Blacking out at a strip club in Vegas, are you fucking serious?”

Jake, your manager’s voice thunders around the office. 

You sink lower into the armchair, casting your eyes down – ashamed. From your peripheral, you can see Jake pacing up and down behind his desk and yanking at his tie; roughing up his usually neat-suited appearance. 

“Is it bad?” You gather the courage to ask.

There was a lot of shit that Jake lets you get away with. He’s known since you were a young teen with starry-eyed dreams. Except, your dreams did come true. You were living it, working with respected directors and actors on prestigious sets and projects; it was a shot in the dark that you would ever become a working actor much less a critically-acclaimed one but Jake took a chance on you.

But no one had warned you just how much you had to give up in order to keep succeeding at your dream. Work breeds more work, is that what they say?

Well if that’s the case, it certainly felt like it. Since your first big break, you haven’t stopped working. Seemingly flying to every crevice of the Earth to show face at yet another event they had scheduled on your calendar. 

You could barely name the day of the week.

Being in your teens in the public eye was not easy and it hasn’t gotten any easier as you entered your 20s. So they can sue you for trying to have some fun for once in your life. Granted, you may have gone overboard with it… that much you can own up to.

“Is it bad?” He scoffs, reiterating your question in a mocking tone and if it were anyone else you wouldn’t have been able to stave off your annoyance. “Try the end of times… you got locked up in jail. For possession of coke. You can imagine the headlines.”

You wince, clamping your eyes shut. Yeah, that is bad. “It wasn’t mine! It was–”

“Oh, I know whose it was!” Abruptly stopping, he swipes a finger in your direction shutting you up. “You and your little boy-toy can say goodbye to each other ‘til Liv and I fix this goddamn mess.”

“I didn’t know he had it on him, Jake. And he’s not my boy toy.” Your nose screws up in disgust. 

“It doesn’t matter anymore. The media caught wind of your weekend away in Vegas with that singer. Did you really think no one would recognize you with a famous musician in a strip club? They have pictures of you in cuffs, Y/N – you’re lucky you didn’t get pressed with charges for drug possession.” 

You hear the tired disappointment in Jake’s voice and feel guilt crawl around in your chest. No words seem to be good enough to fix the mess you created so you stay silent. You can add this to the list of headlines he has had to clean up recently. You keep your head down, like a petulant child called into the principal’s office – which in this situation, was an accurate comparison.

“You have got to be fucking kidding me, Y/N.” A higher-pitched voice echoes behind you and theoretically, if it were physically possible to pass through atoms, you’d be 6-feet under the Earth’s crust.

Far, far away from Liv.

“I already gave her the talk, Liv. We haven’t got the time. What’s the plan to fix this?” Jake crosses his arms, one elbow propped to hold his heavy head up. The bags under his eyes were a clear indication that like you, he also hasn’t slept since he bailed you out of Clark County Jail – a mere 10 hours ago.

All you knew is that you were waking up in a cold, dingy cell with a nasty hangover and an officer shouting from behind steel bars that someone had posted bail for you. Next thing you knew, you were being escorted out the side entrance of the building and into a blacked-out Escalade then driven to a private tarmac where a jet was waiting to take you back to Los Angeles.

Liv is also someone you accredit your success to. Jake and Liv are partners and often represent clients together. You liked to call them each other’s work husband/wife. Liv is a tough lady, only in her early 30s and already one of the most sought-after PR agents in Hollywood; has a boss-ass bitch attitude and a resting bitch face to match. Where Jake often played the good cop with you, Liv was guaranteed to be the complete opposite. 

Liv rounds the desk, standing beside Jake. She was dressed in business casual clothes but her hair wasn’t done like it usually was – a sign she had rushed over here upon your arrival. Staring you down with a menacing glare before rolling her eyes. “You’re not gonna like it, but I don’t care because we’re way past doing things your way.”

You sit up, a little scared. Liv is not one to mess around with. If she says it’s something you won’t like, you might as well go dig up your own grave. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I have an idea as to how to get some heat off your shoulders. Just until the press can find something else to fuss over.” She waves with a hand, furiously typing on her phone.

You and Jake shared a look, waiting for her to continue. 

“Well, are you going to tell us or not?” Jake huffs, throwing his hands in the air. Was he the only one in this damn room that felt like the sky was falling?

A knock interrupts before Liv can respond. “Hold that thought… Come in!” She holds a finger up, shoving her phone in her back pocket. 

You turn around, curiosity getting the better of you. Only, it was Jake’s assistant popping her head in. “Sorry for interrupting, sir. I know you said not to disturb you unless it was urgent.”

Jake runs a tired hand on his face. “Just get to the point, Em.” He says, not unkindly.

“Miss Olivia’s guests are here for the meeting. I was wondering if I can let them in?” The young assistant says timidly. Anyone can feel the thick tension in the room. No doubt she also saw the headlines plastered all over the internet of your face. There was an urgency in her mannerism that told you she wanted out of this conversation as soon as possible.

“Yes, let them in! Don’t make them wait.” She waves frantically. The door closes, leaving the three of you alone for a moment.

“Liv, what is this?” Jake asks before you can.

“Y/N, control your anger and be kind to our guests. This is for you, remember that.” She plasters a large smile with her last words as the door opens; multiple voices can be heard behind you. What the hell does that mean?

“Miss Ortega, great to officially meet you and Sarah, thank you for meeting us on such short notice.” Your head snaps to the side as Liv steps out from behind the desk to greet the people behind you.

The sight has you struck dumb. Why is Wednesday Addams in your manager’s office?

Granted, you know who she is. Who doesn’t? You can barely drive down any highway in L.A. without seeing her face plastered on some sort of billboard or building. But why is she here, in this office?

“Y/N I’d like you to meet Miss Ortega…” You were still rooted in your chair, just staring at them like an idiot. An uptick of a brow is raised as Jenna watches you remain unmoving. 

“Get up.” Jake kicks the back of your chair as he rounds the desk to greet Jenna and her manager, gritting under his breath. You spring up at the thud, rubbing your back in annoyance. 

“Nice to meet you, Miss Ortega.” You extend your hand when she finishes greeting Jake. 

She stood a good few inches under you, dressed casually in loose pants and a hoodie. She had a pair of sunglasses pushing her hair back, which was tied in a messy low bun; headphones around her neck.

You two have never crossed paths in all your years in Tinseltown – which was surprising considering you two are around the same age. There might have been an event or two that you had attended at the same time but you have never had the chance for a formal introduction. It wasn't difficult to see why the whole world was buzzing about Jenna Ortega.

“Just Jenna is fine.” She slides her hand in yours, sending a small, shy smile. The sparks you feel when your palms connect has you flinching almost imperceptibly. You see Jenna’s eyes snapping toward your connected hands telling you she may have felt it too. But before you can think too hard on it, you’re pulling away from her grasp. 

“Let’s all sit down, so we can tell you why you’re both here.”

Jenna takes the armchair to your left, and you fight to keep your sight straight ahead. “There’s no easy way to break the news. But here’s the CliffsNotes version. Over 24 hours ago, Y/N was arrested in Vegas. The press is having a field day, they already have the paps planted outside her house and every location she frequents. Our solution… a PR relationship, just until all of this has died down.”

You stare deadpan at Liv. Out of all the years, you have known her, this has to be the most balls-to-the-wall, bonkers shit she’s ever said to you. 

“What?” A sweet voice piques beside you, voicing out the shock you weren’t able to verbalize.

“A fake relationship, sweetie.” Her manager, Sarah says in a much sweeter tone than Liv could ever muster.

You can see her shake her head from your side eye. “We agreed to no PR stunts like this, Sarah.”

“I know, Jen. But with the recent controversy online… we just think this may be a good look. Liv called me last night and we came up with this plan and thought it couldn’t hurt with both of your situations.” At least her manager sounded apologetic. 

Jenna scoffs, feeling irritated and ambushed. “No offence, but I can handle a few nobodies online. And my situation is nowhere near as bad as hers. If anything how would pairing me up with someone who does drugs be good for my image.”

Your head snaps to her, nearly growling, “Watch it. You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

She bites back, turning to glare at you. “Is it not the truth?”

“No.”

“We got a drug user and a liar, great.” She mutters under her breath.

“Okay stop! You two don’t have a choice,” Sarah speaks up, sending Jenna a look you didn’t care enough to decipher. 

“Get someone else,” You say to Liv, ignoring everyone else around you. “Literally anyone else, please.” 

Jenna puffs out an incredulous scoff. “Screw you, dude.”

“Screw you too!”

“Jenna!” “Y/N!” The adults of the room shout over one another, chastising you both.

“That’s enough!” Jake shouts, getting you to break your intense glaring at the other actress. Jake’s tone slightly scared you, he was never one to raise his voice. And you knew you were balancing on some very thin and fragile ice with him at the moment. 

“This is the plan and that’s final! Jenna, everyone sees you as America’s sweetheart after the success of Wednesday. As much as it sucks, everyone is watching your next move, personally and professionally. And Y/N, you’ve been in the press for literally all the wrong things this year, and yet, the public can’t get enough of you. It’s good publicity on both sides… So you two will learn to get along – for the sake of both of your careers.” He says with a tone that leaned on threatening and you didn’t have the balls the challenge him on that. 

You had worked too hard for the life you have today just for it to be thrown away by a careless mistake. So if you had to buckle down and act in love with one of the most annoying people you had ever met, in world-record time, then so be it.

“How long…” You mumble, dropping your head in defeat.

“Three months at most. Less the quicker people forget about your night at the county jail.” Liv answers.

“Fine…” You conceded.

A few seconds of silence ring out before she answers, “Fine…”

●●●

Jake and Liv @ Reader:

I swear there's a SpongeBob meme for everything.

:)

[indibutterfly]

A Rough Night-Showtime One-Shot

Okay so someone in my inbox gave me the idea to write a goofy sleepover fic for showtime. I thought I could do it...1,280 words later, I have an angsty showtime fic...I don't quite know what this means for me or my personal well being.

With that being said, yes I am still going to write the original one-shot that was asked. However I did spend some time writing this, so y'all are now forced to read my angst...enjoy!

TW: Violence and Abuse

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Good morning superstars!” The members of the circus gathered around their ringmaster. Caine’s gaze lingered a little on a certain jester. The two had been dating for quite a while now, and they had finally gotten to a stable point in their relationship. Things were going quite well for the two. The ringmaster shook himself out of his gaze and continued his announcement.

“I have a wonderful adventure for all of you to enjoy on this fine morning! However, before we start there is something I need to do first. Pomni, would you come here please?” The jester blinked. Although she had no idea what was going through his mind, Pomni walked over to where Caine now floated down. He took her hands into his own.

“Uh Caine, what are you doing?” She asked with a gentle yet curious tone.

“My dear Pomni, I have loved you since the moment you got here. You have brightened up the atmosphere of the circus so much and have given me a whole new perspective about you and your kind. You never cease to amaze me with all of your amazing ideas on how to improve the circus. Which is what bringing me to this very moment.” Was he about to say what she thinks he was about to say? Holy crap he was. He was beginning to stutter and sweat just a little bit.

“Goodness, I don’t know why I am so nervous! I promised myself I would have better self-control, but it seems as though I did not want to listen to myself.” With a slight chuckle, Caine continued his speech.

“I have one simple question for you, my love.” Pomni held her breath. This really was happening, wasn’t it? Caine took a deep breath and leaned in close to Pomni.

“Did you enjoy making a fool out of me?” The jester blinked.

“What?” Caine floated above her with a smug grin on his face.

“You really had me there Pomni! Bravo! What a performance!”

“Caine…what are you talking about?” With a trembling tone in her voice, she slowly backed away from where she previously was standing.

“There really is no reason to hide the fact that you used me. Why it was certainly a clever trick on your end! To bad that I am far smarter than you my dear.” The look on his face was blank. It was dark. It was…hurting. He loved Pomni very much, but now that he knew the truth, he just wasn’t able to let that slide. Using his telekinetic ability, the ringmaster picked Pomni up and threw her hard against a wall. The other members of the circus screamed and tried to run up to help her. Caine would not allow that. Claw-like figures rose from the ground and held the other members in place. The jester began to cough out a black substance. The amount of pain she was in was indescribable.

“Caine…I-I…I d-didn’t-” She was cut off by the now unrecognizable ringmaster.

“I wouldn’t LIE anymore if I were you, jester. It is futile.” Caine repeated his action, and slammed Pomni into a wall. This time however, the same claw-like figures from before grabbed multiple parts of her body, squeezing her, breaking her.

“Please...you’re hurting me…” She struggled to speak out. Cracks were beginning to form on her body. Caine gave a slight chuckle.

“Oh Pomni…haven’t you ever heard the saying…” He raised his fist and leaned closer to her.

“HURT people HURT people.”

“CAINE PLEA-”

“POMNI!” Caine sprung up from where he was recharging, drenched in cold sweat. Breathing heavy, the ringmaster flew around his charging port. He looked at himself and his surroundings. He then stopped and immediately thought of his jester. With a snap of his fingers Caine teleported into Pomni’s room. The ringmaster let out a loud sigh upon seeing she was alright and unharmed. The jester stirred in her bed. Before he was able to teleport away, she called out to him.

“Caine? What are you doing here?” She asked with a tiredness in her voice.

“Oh! Well, uh it was nothing my dear. Please, go back to sleep. I apologize for waking you up.” His voice sounded broken. It sounded like he had been crying. Pomni knew her ringmaster far too well at this point to know that he wasn’t alright.

“C’mere Caine.” The jester said holding out her arms. Caine did not need to be told twice. He floated immediately into her arms, knocking her back into the bed. She held him tight as they laid on her bed. He wasn’t able to stop. Pomni rubbed circles on his back to calm him. Although he did not really have a body or anything like that, this act was proving to be effective.

“Want to tell me why you are like this?” Caine shook his head. He didn’t really want to speak or do anything at the moment. All he wanted to do was lay there in his jester’s embrace. Pomni would not push him for information. In times when she was like this, he always would give her words of affirmation, her love language, and it would never fail. The jester knew that her ringmaster needed her right now and although she was not big on physical contact, this was what he needed.

“Pomni,” The ringmaster’s whisper caught the attention of his lover.

“Yes Caine?”

“Can I kiss you?”

“Sure…” He leaned up onto her and gave her a lick on her cheek, before cuddling even closer to her.

“I hope that was not too far.” He said in a quiet yet meek voice. Pomni shook her head.

“I promise it wasn’t.” Caine gave a heavy sigh.

“I just don’t want to hurt you.”

“Caine, look at me.” Pomni cupped Caine’s teethed head.

“You aren’t going to hurt me. We had a similar conversation before. Do you remember what I told you?”

“That you would tell me when you were uncomfortable and/or when enough is enough?”

“Exactly, and have I ever had to say that to you recently?”

“No, you haven’t.”

“Do you know why I haven’t had to say that?” The ringmaster shook his head with a confused look plastered across his face.

“It’s because you are learning, Caine. You are beginning to figure out what bothers me and what doesn’t. You are starting to figure out what exactly I want.”

“But what if I step out of line and mess up?” Pomni gave a slight chuckle.

“My dear, this certainly is no laughing matter! I could seriously hurt you!”

“That’s called being human Caine. Humans make mistakes and hurt each other all the time. Even the ones they hold close to them.” He was…being human. This was not something he thought could ever happen to him before.

“So, what does that mean for us Pomni?”

“All it means is that you and me are going to mess up and probably hurt one another a time or two. The important thing is that we always apologize afterwards and figure out how to fix our mistakes. Couples aren’t perfect, no living thing is and that’s alright.” Pomni leaned over and gave a gentle kiss on the top of Caine’s teeth. He was stunned with the amount of gentleness and care she put into giving him affection at this very moment. Caine squeezed her ever so tight whispering ‘I love you’ over and over again.

“Would you like to stay here while you recharge Caine?” Oh, how he loved his jester. She was always there for him and knew exactly how to help him.

“Yes please!” So there the two remained, wrapped in each other’s embrace.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you liked that! Summer is starting this week for me so get ready for a whole bunch of fanfics and comics!

[bruisedboys]

congrats on 3k ml, so so proud of you, you deserve it and so much more! and if i haven’t said this sooner, i’m in love with your account and your writing is gorgeous, you’re just so incredibly talented, and aerial too <3

I was wondering if I could have KNIVES OUT please? i’ve been in a bit of a rut lately, not really feeling the best all of a sudden and was thinking of something comfort related with pete. maybe something with breathe (muse a holds muse b closely to help them wind down after a stressful day/event) and possibly with a bit of o4 (sender offers receiver an earbud to share their music), maybe as a way to say that they’re there for them without having to say the words and that they’re here to listen when they’re ready to talk?

thank you so much for considering my request and take your time. congratulations again on yet another milestone!

thank you for your request lovely! this was such a good one I loved writing it. and I hope u feel better soon angel!!! x

summary: peter helps you feel better after a bad day

gn!reader 0.9k words

You’re close to tears by the time you get to Peter’s. It’s been a hard day. Your heart hurts and your mind is tired and your body is unfortunately taking the toll. Your limbs ache and your head pounds. Plus, it’s raining, which never helps.

You let yourself in because he gave you a key months ago, along with a little spiderman keyring that you think is simultaneously awful and adorable. At least it makes you smile every time you look at it.

You shed your jacket and shoes at the door, hang your bag on the hook he’d added for you next to his. You can hear him in the kitchen, cutlery and pots and pans jostling around.

“Peter?” You call.

No response, but you think you can hear him humming. He must have his earbuds in.

You make your way to his tiny kitchen, with its overgrown plants that have managed to claim the entire windowsill, and the colourful mismatch of mugs collected over years of thrift shopping. Sure enough, Peter’s stirring something that smells like tomato soup at the stove, earbuds lodged in his ears, the wire threaded under his shirt and into his jeans pocket. He’s humming a song, head bopping as he stirs, and it makes your heart smile.

“Hi, Peter.”

Peter starts, then relaxes when he sees it’s you. A smile stretches across his face like a sunrise. Slow and beautifully warm and golden. He puts down his wooden spoon and takes out his earbuds, letting them dangle over his shirt collar.

“Y/N,” he says, and the way he says your name makes your chest ache. Like he was meant to say it. Like it’s his favourite word in the world. Like maybe he loves you more than you or him can even comprehend. “Hi, honey. I didn’t hear you come in.”

The corner of your mouth lifts in the whisper of a smile. “It’s okay,” you shrug. You peer at the rich red substance on the stove. “Is that tomato soup?”

Peter grins. “Yes, ma’am. I thought we’d have that and grilled cheese.” He strides across the floorboards until he’s right in front of you. You’re suddenly overwhelmed by how lovely and homely he looks. With his soft blue t-shirt, his hair all mussed, freckles glowing in the warm kitchen light. He smells like tomato and garlic and butter. He takes your face in one hand and drags his thumb over your cheekbone. “What d’you think?”

You almost forget what he was talking about in the first place. You blink, overwhelmed by his closeness, by the presence of him. He feels very safe. Safer than you’ve felt all day.

“Sounds good,” you say weakly. You know you sound funny. It hadn’t meant to come out that way, but you were already feeling bad and he’s come along and been so lovely that all of it combined is gonna make you cry.

Peter smiles again, and dips his head to kiss your forehead. His warmth is intoxicating. You want to hug him so badly it hurts. He pulls away, his hand still at your jaw, and he must catch the look on your face because his eyes are suddenly all concern.

“Are you okay?” He asks, suddenly a little bit urgent. “You look sad. You’re not sick, are you?”

You shake your head. “No. Um, no, I’m not sick. I just, um.” You swallow. It’s hard to tell him, because you don’t want to ruin how happy he is. But you know he’d want you go tell him the truth. “I had a hard day today.”

Peter melts, makes a pitying noise that’s so nice your chest hurts. He takes your face in both hands now, and steps closer so his arms are lodged between your chests.

“Aw, baby. Why didn’t you call me, hm? I’d’ve picked you up earlier.”

You try to shake your head again but it’s hard when he’s got his hands all over your face.

“Pete, it’s okay,” you tell him. “It wasn’t anything in particular, really.” You shrug. It’s hard to explain, but you know he’s always patient with you so you don’t try to explain it all now. “I’m just happy I’m here now.”

Peter smiles at that. It’s pretty in its softness. Gentler than the big grins he gives you when you make a joke. Soft as warm butter. “I’m happy you’re here, too. Hey, you can stay that night, if you’d like. Would you like to?”

Just the thought of it makes you want to cry. He’ll probably talk to you later tonight about your day, help you get to the root of the problem and then work through a solution with you. He’s good at that.

“Yeah, I’d love to,” you say, desperately trying not to give in to the growing urge to cry. Only, now you don’t know if it’s because you’re sad or happy. “That’d be nice.”

Peter hums as he drags his thumbs under your eyes, his skin calloused against the soft, velvety, skin there. He studied your face for a moment. Then,

“You want a hug?”

You smile. He knows you too well. “Yeah, please.”

He hugs you so tight it’s almost hard to breathe. Then he lets you share his earbuds and he puts on your favourite song while you stir the soup and he cooks up two grilled cheese in the pan. The earbud wire stretches dangerously and they fall out of your ears every two seconds, but it’s worth it to be next to him.

It’s safe to say your bad day is saved.

-

[thespiritssaidso]

Just A Pinch of Magic

Summary: Shawn is brewing up a potion. Lassiter is on standby in case something goes wrong (like it always does). 

AKA: PotionMaster/Witch!Shawn and PowerfulWitch!Lassiter

Notes: AAAAHHHH WE’RE FINALLY HERE MY MOST ANTICIPATED DAY ITS HERE!!! 

You guys have no idea how excited I’ve been for this prompt, oh my sweet goodness. Just the thought of Shassie as witches just makes me go dhsjfjsljdkals and just fucking shake /pos 

Anyways, hope you guys enjoy! Literally all of my knowledge of witches and familiars come from a Webtoon I haven’t read in over a year called Accidental Magic (go read it, it’s super cute and hella gay). So I used some of the lore on witches from that along with a little bit of my own twist~

Flufftober day 11: Ingredients and Spells

—————

Shawn leaned over his miniature cauldron, sniffing it and nodding in satisfaction. The liquid inside it bubbled and popped, the consistency resembling that of mud. But it seemed to make the potioneer happy, so it must have been right. 

Ingredients of all kinds scattered the countertop surround the electric stove. Bottles of dried herbs, jars of strange powdery substances, a mortar and pestle filled with some kind of pink glittery paste, and even a small bowl filled past the brim with twigs that sparked from the tips every now and then. 

Carefully, Shawn reached over and pinched a tiny amount of white powder from one of the many. He sprinkled it around the edges of the cauldron and let it sit, allowing it to slowly soak into the mixture. Then he lifted the tip of his pointer finger and hovered it directly over the center of his potion. With extreme concentration, hand trembling from strain, his fingertip glowed a soft yellow. Slowly, it began gathering and soon materialized into a golden liquid, dropping into the cauldron once it grew heavy enough. 

Shawn let out a breath he’d been holding in. That never got any easier, no matter how many times he had to do it. He shook his hand in an attempt to loosen up the muscles.

“Alright, just gotta let that sit for a few minutes. Startinggg… now.” The second he said that, a plume of green smoke erupted from the cauldron, staining the ceiling above. 

Inside the cauldron, the mixture had gone from mud-like to a more liquidy texture, becoming a bright shade of chartreuse where originally it had been brown. 

Quickly, Shawn reached over for the egg timer and slammed it down, setting it to go off in exactly five minutes, no more no less. If it went more than that… ah, it was best not to think about it. 

Behind him, the door opened and in stepped Lassiter with a large black cat – a familiar – draped over his shoulders. It nimbly jumped off of him as he shrugged off his matching black suit jacket. “I’m home!” 

“In the kitchen, Carly!” 

At the sound of the other man’s voice, the cat quickly trotted over to the other room to greet Shawn. Swiftly and full of agileness, it leapt onto the counter – dodging all of the objects with grace – and onto Shawn’s expecting shoulders.

“Smith! Hey buddy! Did you have a fun day with Carly? Catch any bad guys? Ohhh I bet you did! I bet you got all of them, huh?” 

The cat, Smith, purred like a motor and leaned into the finger scratching his cheek. 

Lassiter had gotten Smith when he was only eight, the age when all witches' magic matured. He could remember the naming ceremony like it was yesterday, when he could feel half of his magic being transferred to his cat and turning it into a familiar. 

Commonly, children only kept their familiar until they themselves had also matured enough to handle the full weight of their magic on their own. But Lassiter was a special case. He had so much magic that even now, at his age, if he tried to take it back — which would revert Smith into a regular cat — his body would simply be overwhelmed. No, keeping his familiar was the best choice, for his own health and safety. 

Shawn, on the other hand, didn’t have a familiar. Mostly because of the fact that he simply didn’t have enough magic inside of him to need help regulating. It was why he took to making potions so often, desperate to be part of the magical world in some capacity. 

Lassiter smiled at the sight of his two boys getting along. It felt like just yesterday they were both fighting over who got the detective’s attention at the moment. “If I had to guess, I’d say you liked Shawn more than me, Smith.” 

Smith’s head shot up, as if awakening from a daze, and quickly leapt down to the ground. He began circling Lassiter’s legs, acting as though he’d been there the whole time. 

Lassiter sniffed at the air, slightly wrinkling his nose. “What is that smell?” 

Shawn, not seeing his boyfriend’s slight look of disgust, smiled proudly and gazed at his concoction. “Oh, nothing special. Just a new sleeping draught I’ve been workshopping.” 

Immediately, Lassiter became wary. “Shawn…” 

The fake psychic was a master at potions, although he sometimes really didn’t act it. He loved experimenting and trying to improve on already existing recipes. More often than not he’d just barely miscalculate some ingredient or add it at the wrong time, causing it to explode in his face. 

Or it would, if Lassiter wasn’t always there to cast a containment spell over an unruly potion Shawn had made on a whim. 

But there were moments when Shawn would indeed improve something. One of his most successful modifications had been a newer and easier way to get rid of migraines. That one was one of his favorites.

“Don’t worry! I’ve got it all under control. I added some ground essence of moonlight this time, so it should stabilize it.”

“Should?”

“Well, it either settles after the timer goes off. Or, it… doesn’t.” 

Lassiter ran a hand down an exhausted face. “Well, I’m just glad I got home in time. What if it does something it’s not supposed to and I’m not here?” 

“But it hasn’t! And you’re here now! So if it does go up in flames and fireworks, I know I’ve got you to protect me.” 

“Mmmh… Can’t argue with that logic.”

Smith bumped his head against the detective’s shin and let out a single meow. 

Lassiter raised his eyebrows. “I’m not telling him you said that.” 

“What? What’d he say?” 

“Nothing. How much time did you say until it was done?” 

“Uh, hang on.” Shawn leaned over and checked the egg timer. “Thirty seconds left. If all goes well and it doesn’t explode, I need to add another splash of magic,” he groaned when he said that, “and then stir it counterclockwise with a stick blessed by a druid until it turns dark green.”

Lassiter noticed his less than enthused expression at the notion of having to use his already very limited magic supply. Again. “Does it have to be yours?” 

Shawn immediately caught on to what Lassiter was implying. “Well, that depends. Are you offering? Because you know it won’t work unless you actually say it.” 

“Yes. I’m offering.” 

Just then, the egg timer went off. Almost immediately the potion began to softly whine and let out bright blue sparks. “Crap on a cracker…” Lassiter mumbled under his breath, rushing to the cauldron as fast as he could. 

Like Shawn had earlier, Lassiter held his finger over the concoction. Although he didn’t have to concentrate nearly as much as his boyfriend had to. Almost immediately a drop of golden liquid dripped from the tip of his pointer finger and splashed into the potion. 

The liquid stopped throwing off sparks, and instead began to smoke. 

Lassiter looked at it with mistrust and backed away. “Is it supposed to do that?” 

Instead of answering right away, Shawn began laughing with glee. “Yes! Oh my god, yes! This is great!” He reached over to the bowl of sticks and grabbed the longest one. Without missing a beat he began stirring the potion counterclockwise. 

Nothing changed. The potion stayed the same shade of light green, smoke still pouring out heavily, and Shawn’s grin never wavering. 

“Okay, now I just need to do this until-” 

BOOM

Lassiter, ever the quick thinker, cast a containment spell — a spell he was becoming all too familiar with — faster than he’d ever done in the past. And it was just in time, too. One second later and the entire kitchen would’ve been doused in Shawn’s concoction. 

The two (three if they were counting Smith) stood in shocked silence at the disaster they had just barely managed to avoid. 

Through the cracks of liquid splattered on the transparent dome of Lassiter containment spell, they could see Shawn’s potion raging. It splashed angrily against the walls of the spell, thrashing desperately. 

A bead of sweat ran down Lassiter’s temple and he gripped a hand into a fist in an attempt to strengthen his spell. He waved the other hand, magically supercooling the heating coils of the stove underneath the cauldron. 

Lassiter held on for at least two minutes before the rogue potion finally settled down. He released the spell, and he and Shawn looked to see what the damage was. 

It was a complete mess. The cauldron — one that Shawn had bought recently — had melted halfway, the potion inside spilling all over the counter and onto the floor. 

With another wave of his hand, Lassiter was able to make the disgusting remains disappear to save them the hassle of cleaning it up. 

“Dammit!” Shawn angrily tossed the blessed stick back onto the counter. “I thought I really had something there…” 

“Hey, look, it’s alright. Accidents happen, Shawn.” Lassiter consoled his boyfriend. “What were you trying to modify, anyways?” 

“I was just trying to see if I could make the sleeping draught pineapple flavored. Don’t get me wrong, the grape flavored stuff from the store is great.” Shawn sighed. “I’m- I dunno, getting a little tired of the taste. It got really old really fast.” He looked over where the mess once was. “Back to square one now. Yippee.” 

Lassiter couldn’t help the amused grin. “Pineapple? Really?” 

“Hey! That fruit is a gift to this earth!” 

“Right, of course.” Then he remembered something. “Hey, know what’ll cheer you up?” 

Shawn looked at Lassiter, all previous signs of disappointment completely gone. “Ooo what? What is it?”

Lassiter reached behind his back and into his pocket dimension. His hands closed around the handles of a plastic bag. “Tacos from your favorite food truck,” he dramatically presented the bagged styrofoam boxes that held their food, “and we can watch whatever movie you want.” 

Shawn’s whole demeanor brightened up even more, if that was possible. “Oh Carly, you always know exactly what to say.”

—————

Notes: This was super fun to write! I hope you guys loved it as much as I do <3

ao3 link

[a-cure-for-hysteria]

A RANT ABOUT PARTY DRUGS AND PSYCHIATRIC DRUGS

(Expect little cohesion, don’t want to edit this after writing)

Another thing about medicine (both psychiatric and otherwise) is the lies we - collectively - tell ourselves about them. After seeing Dopesick on HBO, even my most conservatives relatives would agree that it’s “such a shame about that girl” and “who’s to say we wouldn’t end up like that with her life”. Basic empathy - finally - but bear with me.

The characters in Dopesick are pretty much fine until they are so tolerant or have been on Oxy so long that no doctor is willing to prescribe more. Then, they’re off to the streets, doing anything they can for oxy, heroin, later fentanyl. The only thing they had in common was some sort of injury happen to them, and a doctor sponsored by Purdue Pharma.

Personally, I have (due to a long list of diagnoses, of which none have been revoked as I got new ones, for some reason) automatically renewed prescriptions in almost all the drug categories. I have amphetamines, cannabinoids, zolpidem, pregabalin and benzodiazepines. If I ask nicely and have a good reason, I get Oxy too - luckily for me, my body has some sort of allergic reaction to opioids, so addiction is unlikely.

However, my cornucopia of legally prescribed substances is a constant, looming threat to my continued well-being, made even more so by the fact that I need them to survive. I just have to NOT go overboard. Sometimes that’s easy, sometimes it’s hard.

I’m 30-something now. I live a pretty calm life - child free with cats and a loving partner, somewhere in rural Northern Europe. Before that, I partied hard. I’ve tasted all the substances for fun (and later; out of social necessity) and let me tell you - the effect I get from a rail of amphetamine snorted from a CD cover at 02:47 AM on a Wednesday, at a party (three tweakers in a dirty apartment) I’d never attend sober… that clear, ready feeling, it’s the same as what I get from 60 mg of Vyvanse each morning.

“People with real ADHD don’t get high from their meds!” you might say. Your ignorance is forgiven. There is so much we don’t know about the brain, about ADHD (if it’s even ONE thing and not several, if it’s generic or trauma or both) and let me tell you - me being high on my meds IS what makes me do the dishes. Go to work. Remember how my partner feels before I take all the dinner scraps without asking if they’ve eaten. I am high. I have taken speed at parties and I know. Every day, I know.

There is no inherent difference between the speed you do at a party and the speed your doctor gives you. Sometimes prescribed speed is tied up with lysine, making you wait an hour before it kicks. Sometimes you get BAD speed at parties - levoamphetamine and not dextroamphetamine. Sometimes it’s cut with bad stuff. But - it’s the same. It’s the same it’s the same it’s the same.

I am as addicted as the guy living under the bridge. However, I get to call it meds and everyone is so happy about my go-getter attitude at work, and how I am a valuable asset to the company. My partner rejoices upon learning I now do my half of the chores. My mom says I seem happier, more well-adjusted. A friend tells me she considered just leaving me alone because I never seemed to get my shit together, but now my shit IS together. Nice!

I recently upped my dose from 30 to 2 x 30 mg Vyvanse. No problem - it even says so on the prescription that I can. I’ve been taking out two boxes at the pharmacy every month, but haven’t taken the correct dose since I started. I just didn’t need to, except now and then on stressful days. Now I need 60 mg, and it doesn’t even feel like 30 did in the start. What happens when 60 is no longer enough for me to feel the high that allows me to get anything done? And, am I lying to myself? Would 30 have been fine? I need, need, need the clear, ready feeling. And I need to get shit done. I need people to be happy with me.

Yes, that’s it. I need people to be happy around me. Is there a rehab for that?

[youremyheaven]

Your Angelina Jolie post is super interesting!

(Yapping incoming)

You briefly talked about her childhood and I think something interesting to add is that Angelina says she got called ugly when she was younger for her lips (I say that allegedly as I haven’t actually seen the og sourcewhere she says it). I was never super into the whole Claire Nakti punarvasu beast ugly to pretty video idea, as a native myself, *but* I do feel like it’s common for punarvasu to be called ugly/ experience appearance related trauma in childhood.

Either way I feel like I do see quite a few young Angelina haters who say she was ugly when young- even though us women of culture know she’s always been gorgeous- she did have a physical “awkward phase” in that sense of how she was widely perceived.

Also Maleficent is kind of a punarvasu core role when you think about it. Definitely some other major astro influence in the role as well, I’m not super familiar with her chart. However starting off kind, having someone take advantage of your giving nature, turning into a controlling and unkind leader, and then “returning to the light” by learning how to be kind again through love for a child who saw through the outer “ugliness”. Idk sounds a little punarvasu core to me

I feel like it’s frustrating to guess these things when someone has a planet in the first house which also rules one of the nakshatras, in this case saturn and pushya. It makes it so much harder to go off of appearance. For me personally I spot pushya women by their narrow but full lips (alongside the other traits you mentioned). The beautiful pushya moon native Tripti Dimri has this trait- her lips are full but their shape has a certain narrowness to them.

Going back to Angelina, as you said she has the pushya look anyway bc of cancer + saturn influence, but idk I’ve always felt like it’s a different vibe? The saturn nak women feel a bit more calm and “closed off” if you will(?)

Her having a Jupiter placement would explain this tbh. I’m kind of obsessed with her when she played “Corky”, whenever Jupiter (or mars actually) women do a masc look they eat it up every time!!

I thought Claire's Punarvasu video about ugliness was most relatable to Punarvasu men perhaps because men externalise their traits whereas women internalise them. So Punarvasu/Jupiter men playing the "Beast" made sense to me because they feel hideous and when it's projected outwards (our thoughts create our reality, when someone thinks or believes they're ugly they experience things that affirm this belief?? if that makes sense??) they are perceived as Beastly by others. Also Jupiter dominant people, be it men or women are hella intimidating as all these naks have feline yoni animals (cat, tiger, lion who are all unapproachable and intimidating in their own ways) I think if others are intimidated by you, they're less likely to approach you and if you feel socially isolated like that, you're more likely to think "oh it's because everyone hates me/because I'm ugly" and I think maybe that's why Punarvasu natives struggle with "feeling ugly". Claire did also say that being isolated was a big theme in their lives. It could also be because of how Jupiter's boundlessness means these natives contain too much substance, both good and bad, it's only with age and wisdom that an individual learns to tune out the negativity and focus on the goodness so because of all the internal negativity the natives "feel ugly". Another reason could be that having really turbulent and difficult childhoods are kind of part of the Jupiter experience, if you grow up feeling neglected or if you're abused, you're not going to feel good about yourself?? A lot of people who have childhood trauma also struggle with their self image. Kali Uchis, Punarvasu Sun, Vishaka Moon & Rising spoke about it in this interview about how being abused as a child meant that she hated being looked at or seen :(((

Angelina has mentioned that she hated modelling (which she did briefly as a teenager)

Omg 😳😮 I had never looked at Maleficent that way but damn that does sound very Punarvasu core especially since her own Punarvasu Sun daughter Vivienne was cast to play the young Princess Aurora because all the other kids were scared of her lmao 😭😭

Sleeping Beauty is closely linked to Revati/Pisces as well (She has Revati Moon & stellium)

You're right it is hard to determine bc of her chart 😭😭But Pushya natives imo have longer slimmer faces because of their goat yoni, Angelina's wide expansive face and features are giving Punarvasu 🤌🏼

But also I feel like Saturnian women are very comfortable with their femininity from the get go. They don't transform into it, like Angie did (which is a Jupiterian quality). Salma Hayek, UBP Moon, Madhuri Dixit, Pushya Moon, Miranda Kerr, Pushya Rising, Mariah Carey UBP Sun, Monica Bellucci-Pushya Moon are all Saturnian women who are known for their hyperfemininity. It's inherent to them?? They have this very exaggerated femininity (Pushya is considered the most feminine nakshatra) that I don't see with Angie. She's very poised and elegant now but I see her individuality before I see her femininity?? If that makes sense lol and like you said Saturnian women are 100x more mellow, more composed and overall chill, Jupiter is what creates a more bold/loud in your face kind of persona.

Idk what Corky is 😭😭😭😭please tell me I have no clue 🥹🥹

[sweet-child]

Hey! I wanted to request a story! Where me and Johnny fall in love. We could be like good friends and he secret like me. And one day one of the gange members asks me out. And that when he finally confesses! Thank you your the best!

Comfort

State of physical ease and freedom from pain or constraint

The easing or alleviation of a person's feelings of grief or distress

· • —– ٠ ✤ ٠ —– ��� ·

in which Steve confesses to a friend, but the reader denies his advances.

Pairing - Johnny Cade x GN!Reader

Word count - 847

A/n - My first public fic! And my first time writing Johnny! Enjoy!

"Bon Appétit"

· • —– ٠ ✤ ٠ —– • ·

Johnny Cade was quiet boy. If you can imagine a little puppy with big, black eyes that has been kicked too many times, you would have a pretty good picture of him. That timid boy, who had a suspicious look in his eyes, had somehow gained the friendship of y/n, the complete opposite of him.

They were talkative, smiled a bunch, and seemed to never fear anything. That caught the eye of not only Johnny, but of Steve Randle as well.

The two were jealous of each other. Steve seemingly had impressed y/n with his mechanic skills, but Johnny hung out with them more. The two boys didn't clash heads before, but now they silently competed against each other. 

“Pony?” the black-haired boy had asked one day as they sat on the couch 

“Yeah johnny?”

“ I uh..well, what do you do when you want to ask someone out, li-like on a date?” 

Ponyboy turned to face his friend “Gee, Johnny, you had to ask me? I don’t know anything about dating.” The brown-headed boy shook his head, somewhat rolling his eyes.

“Well, I know. i just..haven’t you heard something’ from Soda? About dating, i mean.” The timid boy questioned, fiddling with his hands. 

Pony thought for a moment, before suggesting “Not really, hey why don’t you ask him?”

Johnny's eyes went wide, frantically denying Pony’s suggestion, but his denies fell upon deaf ears as pony yelled for Sodapop. Quickly, the older boy entered the room. His hair wet, and DX shirt unbuttoned. “Yeah? What's up?” 

“What do you do when you ask someone out on a date?” 

“Why?” Soda raised an eyebrow, “You interested in someone?” 

Ponyboy shook his head no, “I'm not, but Johnny here is,” he used his thumb to point toward Johnny. The boy’s cheeks turned a gentle shade of light pink, as he was embarrassed. 

“Well, who is it,” Sodapop asked, starting to button up his work shirt. 

Ponyboy and Soda were both looking at Johnny now, but his focus was on someone outside of the Curtis house. Soda and Ponyboy followed his gaze to the driveway, where their gapped-tooth friend was teaching their hyper friend how to change the oil in their car.

"So, the oil is supposed to reach in between these two dots.." Steve explained, looking at the person beside him. His eyebrows were raised as he explained, showing his friend the two-dots on the dipstick. “Next, you’re going to wipe off the oil on the stick,” Steve continued, wiping the end of the stick on an oil-stained rag. He put the dipstick back into the tube and inserted it all the way before pulling it out again and showing that the oil is under the lowest dot. 

Y/n watched attentively, and looked at the brown substance under the lower dot. “Is that good or bad,” they question as a few strands of their h/c hair fall into their face. Steve, smiling, quickly brushed the strands out of his friend's face, a tint of pink on his cheeks. 

“Normally, it’s bad. But we’re changing your oil anyway.” Steve shrugged, and continued explaining how to change the oil to the car. It took them about an hour, because of Steve’s explanations and Y/n’s questions. If there was an oil change at the DX, Steve would have had it done in under 20 minutes. He was the car guru. 

When they were done, Steve shut the hood of the car. “Hey, N/n?” 

They turned to Steve, about to walk away. “Hm?” Their head was slightly tilted to one side, watching the other teen with their e/c eyes. 

“Would you want to go on a date later tonight?” He asked, putting a hand in his pocket, and a smile on his face. 

»»-————-————-««

Y/n took a drag of her cigarette, and looked up at the stars. The rustling of leaves as a warm breeze blew through the trees. Johnny, who was sitting next to them, was staring at the ground and messing with the grass. 

“Hey Y/n?” Johnny’s quiet voice echoed through the empty lot. 

They looked from the stars and to the black-haired boy next to them, exhaling the smoke. “Johnnycakes?”

“I uhm..I-im glad you said no to Steve..” His voice trailed off

Y/n’s eyes widened for a split second and they slouched “You heard that?” 

Johnny nodded, and placed a hand next to theirs in the grass. “If-if its any comfort..I,” He took a deep breathe in before exhaling “I l-like you too..” His already dark cheeks turning a slight shade darker as he admitted his feelings toward his friend. 

They looked up from the ground and to Johnny, a smile on their face. “Really?” 

Johnny nodded, confirming his feelings for his friend. Y/n moved their hand to Johnny’s, grasping it. The boy spoke up again, gulping, “Do you wanna go see a movie this weekend? J-just me an’ you?” 

Y/n nodded, a grin on their face. “I’d like that.”

[totaldramafan-lauri]

Thoughts on Queen Bee

It was good. I enjoyed myself. Definitely one of the weaker episodes, but it wasn’t TRYING to be anything groundbreaking, so it’s fine. I was able to adjust my expectations in just the right way after Viv tweeted about it. She reminded us that this was gonna be a style-over-substance episode, and that’s what we got! A LOTTA style, and not much substance.....(unless you count the ones Blitzo was running on all episode)

The only thing groundbreaking is Kesha, who it turns out, is a pretty good VA? And having a song actually written by her, and performed by a DARN GOOD sound-alike. The lyrics of “Cotton Candy” aren’t amazing, but it SOUNDS great, and that’s what matters for party songs. XD I’ve had it stuck in my head all day.

It’s cool to have another complete song outta Helluva. We need more of those in season 2. “House Of Asmodeus” spoiled me XD

As for Bee herself, I didn’t really like her design all that much at first, cuz she didn’t look anything like I’d imagine Beelzebub to look in Helluva (compared to Ozzie who I thought was a good interpretation of how people usually envision Asmodeus). She’s not ugly or anything, and I love her color palette, but it felt like Viv was more focused on the Die Young callback than making her look like the Sin when designing her. But apparently, there ARE some things that she’s kept in mind and played around with (such as “Lord of the Flies” becoming “Queen Bee” - even though she should technically be a princess since the other Sins are princes, it rolls off the tongue better here), and she has a more monstrous form that we get to see. I’m pretty sure I’ll like her more as I get used to her. She just wasn’t what I expected.

There’s not really a lot to talk about story-wise. Like I said, style over substance. “Visual spectacle” to cap the season off. I like that it’s a happier second half to Ozzie’s. Both have parties run by a Sin, both have big songs, but the mood is completely different, like they’re symbolizing the different parts of Helluva’s first season - the dramatic, character-driven part, and the fun, humorous part. It’s a shame that the legal issues held this episode back so long that it can’t be considered Ozzie’s second half anymore, cuz I really do like the idea of the two episodes being foils to each other.

But uh, anyway! The only real meat in this story is just a few sweet moments between Loona and Blitzo. And also Loona being SUCH a mood. Me at parties. Always. XD It was also cool to see Tex again, since I like him, and Bee gets points for actually seeming pretty chill, especially compared to Ozzie. But that’s really it. The comedy wasn’t even really that amazing. The Dennis scene was the only time I really laughed, but I’ll take what I can get.

The delays also screwed the episode over slightly. I DO still feel bad for Blitzo, but if the episode had been released in order, I would’ve been a lot more scared for his mental state. It does lose a LITTLE impact when we know he’s gonna recover (or at least, mostly recover).

A teeny bit of woldbuilding here too- It was also cool to see a bit of the Gluttony ring - yeah, just one location, but it gets me curious to see more of it someday. We also get references to Satan and Belphagor, which means that.....there’s only one left. Only one Sin we haven’t heard from. The one who’s, fittingly, from the one ring we haven’t been to yet - Envy. I wanna see the Envy ring now. What’re they gonna do with that place? It can’t even be green! Greed is green! How does a place run by envy look? I guess the ring will be.....aquatic-themed? Maybe? I’m worried that we probably won’t be meeting the man himself due to involvement in Hazbin, but I wanna see the ring at least. Surprise me, Helluva! You already did that last episode with Sloth looking actually neat and appealing, pfffff- But yeah, that’s a long-term hope. Let’s actually get to Mammon first. One thing at a time.

S-sorry for the tangent, but yeah, this episode really doesn’t have a lot to talk about. I’m done now. XD It was fun to watch, but not one of the best I’ve seen from the show!

[ozma914]

A Sick Sense Of Humor

As mentioned before, I don't usually write about bad stuff unless it can somehow be made funny. Well, funny to me. That's why I haven't said much about Emily and I both being sick through the entire month of December, and now into January.

I mean, it's winter, I'm sick, it's moved into my sinuses--not exactly breaking news. Everybody's sick. People buried for five years have set off local seismographs with their coughing. You may think I'm joking, but remember: Many of those same dead people voted in the last several elections.

I got so sick I was unable to do any writing work for over a week. No editing, no submitting ... a little promoting, but that's the un-fun part, anyway. I started going into withdrawals. I also had to take time off from my full time job, but I had about fifty sick days saved up. In this one case, that's not an exaggeration.

"I could take a sick day, but I prefer to wait until I turn green."

 At the rate this winter's been going, I'll be down to zero in no time.

It's led to certain things being said around the house that I'd just as soon not have said:

 "I talked to the doctor: She wants us to stop talking to her."

"Why do we still live in a house with one bathroom?"

"Siri, how many cases of Kleenex can fit in a Ford Escape?"

"Dr. Fauci's at the door, he's coming out of retirement just for us."

And my favorite: "My mucus is fluorescent green. Could this be Kryptonite poisoning?"

Hm. It occurs to me that this bug makes us feel exactly like having a hangover, but without any of the fun parts from the night before.

 We still don't know what it is, although Emily got a two for one case of croup. She coughed so much that at first our worried dog hovered over her. Now he curls up in the room furthest away. (He was sick half of last year. Now he's fine, except everyone keeps waking up in the wee hours to make ramen and tea.)

"Good news! They want a few gallons of my blood for a study!"

 They tested us for flu a. through f., Covid, mono, strep, plague, rabies, mad cow disease, and something called M-Pox, which is apparently transmitted by monkeys, but for some reason we can't say so. The CDC set up a tube passage that ran directly from our back door to their tent. "Have you figured out the problem?" I asked the Doc while he was doing a preliminary check of my wallet.

"Yes, you don't pick up the dog poops enough. It'll take hours to clean up our clean room boots."

"No, I mean about what's wrong with us."

"You're trying to earn enough money writing to retire."

"No, I mean medically."

"Oh. Uh, you have an upper respiratory illness."

"Thanks. I figured that out when I started sounding like Elmer Fudd."

 "Well ... it's a bad upper respiratory illness."

At that point he prescribed a controlled substance to Emily to quiet her cough, because people who haven't slept for three days have been known to throw kitchen implements at doctors, not that it happened here.

No pharmacy in northeast Indiana had that medicine. Apparently we're not the only people with a cough.

 But it's okay, because after a few weeks of insomnia I was able to sleep right through the coughs. As for me, the crap moved--as usual--into my sinuses. Sinus infections are like my old friends, who stop by twice a year to visit for a month. That, I know how to deal with.

Oh, and don't worry: I'm taking care of Emily. Nothing ever goes wrong with anything I'm trying to fix.

You can find our decontaminated books here:

http://markrhunter.com/ https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/"Mark R Hunter"

Remember: Whenever a book doesn't sell, a doctor loses his patience.

[kdipshit]

Co-dependancy ;

April 4

I have the faith that what’s best for me will ultimately manifest. I can be honest and say I’m codependent in relationships, I usually focus so much on the person I’m with and the life we have together rather than myself and my own life with ME lol. I feel bad and uncomfortable and almost like I cheat on myself when I drink, which is driving me to stay sober. I received ‘The big book’ in the mail today free, provided by a lovely AA Group over in the state I attended via zoom, so I’ve been extremely grateful in my moments of reading. My relationship with sobriety is at peaceful and positive as I can possibly make it, sometimes I’m worried if I’m hiding everything with a positive attitude or if I’m truely positive about my experience, I really don’t know what I’m saying or how anything is coming out because I feel so…. Idk, like I’m facing the wrong way. I kept super busy today, because I feel guilt. I did my morning routine with guilt in the back on my head, I’m writing this now with guilt plastered all over it. Am I an enabler? Because I enabled myself to get drunk… how long do I feel guilt for. Guilt stems for the abandoned emotion on the emotion wheel I’m looking at, and if this is a sign to get into my abandonment issues well I guess its time to roll up the sleeves, I feel sad and a little defeated. Must I acknowledge in order to go forward? What needs to be done here?

My fear of abandonment seems to take over my body and pierce into my soul, over the years it has stopped me from getting close to someone all together, and distance myself from those inevitably close to me. I feel ashamed when I over share, in fear of someone I love leaving, I hold and hide things in, because thats what seems to push people away the most. I’m like a child hiding things away from their parent. Idk why that analogy came but fuck it, when my parents would drink, they would get into some nasty fights, and when I was a child I remember my mum kicking my dad out on multiple occasions and me and my brother crying, holding and begging for him to stay. He stayed most times, other times he wasn’t far, and would always come back. My dad never truely left, but he wasn’t always there. When I felt the shift of my parents with me, when I was 13-14, I felt abandoned, and angry. I felt like no one knew me because they didn’t want to, I felt like there was something wrong with me, I felt extremely alone… in a house full of family. I wondered what was wrong with me for so many years, because I couldn’t understand or comprehend it, there was nothing wrong with me. Maybe there was lol, I don’t know, I know that I felt normal until my parents stopped talking to me.

I don’t feel good or confident in my writings right now, but ill keep writing. My parents are judges, like not real ones, like the kind of people who judge others a lot, ridicule them for their mistakes. I was judged so hard I let them win and started judging myself the way they did me… my dad decided to throw in a little ‘the gym is not a fashion show just so you know’ after I expressed wanting to go to the gym with him, and the rest of my family lol. I said ‘I don’t go to the gym like it’s a fashion show why would you say that’ and then he said ‘I just know what girls are like’ ????? I said well don’t you know me? And he told me to shut up and he walked away, lol. My parents always shut down the conversation by telling us to either shut up, for fuck off. I’ve always wanted the conversation, the hard ones, the meaningful ones, the ones where we learn and where we dig, something not so surface lev. Is it just me? Who needs to know wtf is going on in order to understand it? I haven’t had a fucking conversation in decades

If my issue with substance abuse is that once I have 1 taste I need to have another, what I’m saying is I take it too far, every time with every substance, I just gotta get high. I have to feel the feeling, and once I feel It, I just wanna feel it more, thats my issue. And I forgot what I was gonna say about that because I was interrupted while writing lol. I would never ever want my parents to see the potentially mean light I see them under, but its the truth, but I would never want to hurt their feelings, yet they hurt mine so many times. I was a good kid, I was happy I was joyful I was playful I was loud I was TALKATIVE I as a good well mannered fkn kid. And then I was abandoned. I’m a different kinda fucked up mannnnn, I was LEFT, while under the same roof, I was done to them. Because they didn’t couldn’t let down what ever bullshit wall they had up, I was determined to know my parents, but they weren’t all that keen on me. I guess thats how I feel in every relationship I’m in, scared they’re gonna drop me, ill have no one, but ill be forced to be respectful when I was continuously disrespected, negated and left behind. And yanno, I wasn’t exactly friends with my siblings because I never came out of my room…. It was an unsafe place for me to be, outside my room. I was friends with my brother outside of my room bc we used to go to school together, we always went late coz mum & dad were already at work, I used to write our late notes, anyways idk, its just all making me now realise how grateful and happy I am with life at the moment, Im really starting to see a future for myself, which is crazy, I haven’t felt this way in a long time. I’m such a positive attitude bitch!!!!!! Honestly I can turn any thought into a positive one, and I unconsciously prove this to myself everyday, all my thoughts are positive, lol. Thoughts are just thoughts, but when they become overwhelming, at least make expositive, you have the power, its just forgetfulness that betrays us.

Im a cuddly and super a friendly person I like to give and show love when I love someone, it can be a bit intense sometimes lol, I don’t show this kind of love often, only to a very special few. I have a maternal kind of love, I just want to take care of you. Blah blah blah, I don’t think I can feel that kind of love again, I don’t know why, well, idk why I say shit like that because maybe I do know and maybe saying idk is a response you give when you don’t want to dig deeper, its like your personal ‘shut up’ you hear from your parents in your ear hahahahahaha. Idk Mann, I’m pretty blazed, so I feel good, its hot though, its also 8pm so my meds have kicked in and I’m teeeee ruuuurrddd.. BOUND2

I am the space between everything i can see. I am space. I could never really figure out what was wrong with me but I remember everyone being so pissed at me for doing some of my own business type shit, like I was extremely hyper active Sexually I was drunk like every day lol, so was everyone else in my house tho???? So what the fuck is wrong with ME. I’m doing the same shit y’all fkn do y’all mad. Okay that sounded a lot like old K, and I’m trying to be better.

[its-wabby-stuff]

Concept cont.

Go to Donnie’s lair, and Donnie boot’s up his computer analysis system CAS. They have a fiasco though as one of the brother’s barges in, accidentally bumping into April, and despite her, Donnie’s and Leo’s best attempts, the container splashes onto the ground. Donnie mourns this devastating loss and scourns the clumsy brother who did such a thing, only for April to say she’s got more in her bag. I took more than one sample, obviously. Donnie then relaxes and notes the strange properties of the liquid spilled on the floor, taking some of his fresh, snack lettuce and dropping it into the substance. He has a theory as to how the substance may function just on the nature of what April has already reported. Speaking in nerd terms about the different chemical properties that could have been used, and weed killers and how that varies, and we’d have to test the depth of organic matter it is able to dissolve, seeing as how it didn’t dissolve the floor, the glass, or his tech, but it did dissolve the lettuce and a piece of wood. It also, has no magical properties as it did not effect or have a reaction to his ninpo, which he uses alongside his tech arms to clean the chemical spill and says he’d rather not have a live test subject at this moment to see it’s potent abilities, but it may make a great torture for any future enemies they may need to get information out. He sets April’s samples up in his machine and then calls it all good, that the machines shall do their work and give a full chemical report for April’s report. He thinks this calls for a celebration so they break out the pizza from earlier that day, and they take a celebratory photo. Leo then goes to talk to Raph, like he promised but before he gets the chance, Lots and lots of Donnie’s alerts go off, and he pulls up a camera of a bright purple light shining into the sky, from the foot clan’s hideout.

——-

Donnie’s computers and watch start going off, giving out multiple alerts, which Donnie has to address. Raph looks over to Leo, who is honestly a little unbothered. Raph asks what’s up. Donnie says, something bad. He blurts out a bunch of codes no one understands, and types over multiple devices. It’s the foot clan. Donnie says. Strange activity. Raph looks over at Leo. Leo? Nothing Leo was expecting. A bash maybe, but he looked more like he was asking what they are supposed to do. Leo pulls out his sword. Raph says, gear up. All six of them show up on the roof of the greenhouse. At this point, the light has stopped, but the Krang are released. Mikey asks what those things are. Donnie claims he doesn’t know, but they aren’t from earth. Raph is like, obviously, they just came through a magical portal! Krang calls his brother and sister forth. Foot clan bow and Foot Lieutenant informs Kraang Prime of their sworn duty to the Krang. Splinter gasps, the Krang, oh no. And explains to the boys. Leo spots the key, on the pedestal, and notices the leaders move forward, past it. He sneaks away. Lieutenant speaks some empowering words, and Krang Prime takes it as his ticket to order brother krang to start transforming them. Raph and fam freak out. Raph realizes Leo is gone and whispers his name, seeing him behind the portal. LEoooo. Finally, the team is transformed, and Krang Prime smiles deliciously. He tells Brother to bring forth the technodrome. Just at that second, the portal behind them powers down as Leo has grabbed the key. I got it. He says. Indeed, Krang prime responds, grabbing Leo by the throat. Leo! Raph calls out, sending all the boys into action. There’s more of them. Sister points out. Deal with them. Prime says. Oh I haven’t killed something in ages. Leo drops the key, and pulls out a sword, portalling the key away while Prime is distracted (during the conversation). Raph starts making orders and Leo slices his sword at Prime’s face, cutting into his eye, which causes Prime to knock the sword out of Leo’s hands (April grabs this later, and uses it to fight). He hisses, low. He heals the injury, dabbing it with another of his tentacles. You’ll regret doing that. He tightens his grip on Leo’s throat, causing him to start to curl and claw at the tentacles. Prying it back even just slightly. You aren’t human, Prime says. Leo continues to claw. What are you? Raph calls out to Leo again. Leo. Are those your family? Prime chuckles. How would you like to see me kill them? No. Leo squeaks out. The key. He says, distracting Prime. Prime notices he doesn’t have it anymore. You’ll- never- find it, Leo smirks. Prime cackles. Your confidence is misplaced. Prime then starts interrogating Leo, digging into his mind. Crazy stuff here. More than just discovering where it is. Leo thinks of all sorts of other things. Prime preys on his insecurities, making them worse, telling Leo to submit. Showing him his dead family, how they do not care for him. Leo covers his ears and closes his eyes in his subconscious. Prime pesters for more, telling him he would make a strong Krang. Saying they are similar, but Krang is stronger, and you are weak. In what was only a couple minutes outside, felt like hours in his mind. He was then suddenly pulled from the place, feeling the slick pull back in his eyes, as he ripped from Prime’s grasp, and into a Donnie Pod. But Leo’s nerves and senses are pretty much shot and tampered with, so once he gains control attention again, he starts hyperventilating and having a panic attack. He bangs on the box, not knowing why he’s trapped. Then he’s suddenly back in the lair, dropped out of his box, and panicking on the floor, crouched into himself. He doesn’t know what’s happening, but he hears Donnie say something about his vitals and sees Splinter on the floor next to him. Is he dead? He hears April, Mikey, and Raph. They start arguing about what just happened. Leo recognizes the floor, dragging his hands on the tile, starting to ground himself.

April lifts up his chin and asks him to look at her, he does, and then April tells him to breathe. In and Out, with me. Leo tries his best. Raph looks at Leo, and just as he’s calming down he says. I’m taking over. Leo says, what? This was your last chance Leo, but you ran off again, you almost got yourself killed, you almost got pops killed, you almost got all of us killed. And now we have a real, huge problem on our hands. You aren’t ready for this. Raph? Leo says. I’m sorry Leo, that was your last mistake. Raph starts making orders, telling Donnie to send out an amber alert. Everything becomes muddled as Prime’s words echo through his head again. As words from earlier in the day run through his head.

It’s is not about you.

We have to be heroes.

Leo’s mistake.

Take this seriously

He’s just jealous cause I’m a better leader than him. That’s not true!

Quick Leo sacrifice yourself to buy us time.

Do you ever think things through?

My jokes rile up the team.

None of you seem to trust me. Why!?

Not ready for this.

Im NOTHING without them.

He was right. Leo says (he was not).

————

Leo wakes up in a start, seeing Prime in the corner of his eyes again, just smirking. He’s in a hospital bed, hooked up to an IV. He’s 19 again. Mikey is sleeping at the end of the bed. They think you're weak. He checks the monitor. I’m not. He pulls out the IV. Show them. Leo stands and checks his file at the end of the bed. Prove it to me. Leo puts the file back down. He looks over at Mikey, curled into his shell, and puts the hospital blanket over him. He gets dressed. Prime appears in front of him, an active hallucination. Show me how strong you are.

Camera Flash

“Alright everyone, huddle up, this deserves a spot in my archives,” Donnie chimed. Where am I? “Ready, 3-2-1, Bam! Good one fam.” A bright flash of light. Everything froze. Like my mind wanted me to remember this.

How could I forget it?

The dusty, abandoned subway station we had just moved into. Boxes piled up against the walls of all the remaining things we could find from the rubble in the sewer lair. Our new home, since the Shredder destroyed our last one. The artificial light still stung warm, and the metallic smell in the air was just starting to grow familiar. I remember Mikey’s work in progress graffiti outlined on the walls. The fumes of burning metal coming from Donnie’s lab. Dad’s hums and embarrassing booty shakes as he cleared through some boxes, reminiscing good times.

I remember my room. Messy, unkempt.

Most importantly, I remember that day. The day I lost the key.

“I don’t see what the big deal is, Raph.” Idiot. Dad had only just left the room. “We’ll get that weird tiki totem looking thing back. The foot clan isn’t going to use it right away.” I waved it off. “Their last plan took what? 6- maybe 7 months to complete? Even then the worst that happened was Shreddie. Who, may I remind you, we beat. What could be worse than that?” So much.

“Errr,” Raph growled, his knuckles going white.

“Can we please move the discussion point off of Leo’s mistake,” Donnie remarked, trying to air out the tension. “We wouldn’t want Papa to come back.” Mikey was sticking close to him. Raph took a deep breath.

“I’ll let it go after he apologizes,” Raph gritted.

“What!?” Mikey yelped, putting his hand over his mouth trying not to draw too much attention. Donnie sighed.

“An apology, that’s what you want? Ahohoho, okay.” My brothers looked surprised. I put my arms down, and laid them on Raph’s shoulders, looking completely, dramatically, sincere. “Raph, I’m sorry,” pause for effect, “for stealing the spotlight. It’s not my fault brother, it just naturally gravitates toward me. Like a flame to a moth.”

Donnie smacked his forehead.

“Leeeoooooo.” Raph just about grabbed me by the throat, but I backed away cackling. I was cackling.

A loud, musical melody filled the air. “What the hec- oh, it’s April,” Donnie tapped the icon on his wrist band, “you are conversing with-“

“DONNIE!” She screamed.

“Tis I.”

“I’VE GOT HUGE NEWS.”

“I am ecstatic,” Donnie spoke without a hint of inflection.

“I was,,, in the lab,,, all this,, wild stuff,, I stole,,, a professor's badge,,,and” April spoke between labored breaths. Was she running? “It’s crazy. I almost,,, forgot to call you.”

“Loud gasp.” He pressed his hand to his chest. “How dare you.”

“Hey April!” I reached over Donnie’s shoulder and tilted the screen toward me, before bolting away using Donnie as a backboard for a flip turn as Raph, yet again, tried to pound me.

“April,” Mikey appeared panicked, “send help! Raph is going to kill-“ Mikey’s words were drowned out as Donnie slowly pushed Mikey off of him and out of frame.

“Uh,,, hey boys,” April smiled a bit. “Should I,,, be worried?”

“Angelo’s got it under control,” Donnie said, looking back at, fists at the ready, side to side, boxing match me, Mikey with one arm out towards each of us, in a frantic state, and Mr. Rampaging Raph about to charge me.

“Oh we’re gonna be in so much trouble,” Mikey whined.

“See,” Donnie went back to April.

“Whatever you say. Listen,,,,I’m on my way over,,,I’ve got samples and video,,, This story is gonna blow the lid off Big Chem!”

“You got samples? Of a herbicidal deforestation bomb! Oh my shell, it’s finally happening. The day my two passions collide; Botany and explosives.”

“And it might,,,,land me my first gig,,, as a real journalist!” She jumped a little, “Down with the patriarchy, baby!” She lifted one arm up and the video view changed before she readjusted the camera, keeping both hands toward the screen.

“Are you calling from your laptop?” I asked, looking over Donnie’s shoulder, backing into him and away from Raph. Mikey clinged to the big guy’s arm, trying to drag him down very unsuccessfully. His whole body was wrapped around Raph’s arm. He looked like a helpless koala.

“Yeah,” April’s breath got heavier, “My phone broke outside the school.”

“My condolences,” Donnie said, “I shall have a replacement ready upon your arrival.”

“Really!? Thanks De.”

“Yeah, yeah, don’t worry about it. Arrivederci,” Donnie went to end the call, I called out quickly.

“Don’t drop your laptop in the sewers! The rats will break it down for parts!” The call ended.

Donnie whacked me over the head.

“Ow.” I rubbed the spot.

“It’s ‘like a moth to a flame,’” Donnie corrected, turning toward his lab. Raph smirked, looking satisfied.

“Mikey,” Raph looked down, “get off me.”

“No!” Mikey shook his head, his eyes sealed shut.

“Miiikey,” Raph shook his arm up and down.

“Nooo,” Mikey yelled as his grip slipped and he went flying toward me, ducking into his shell. I slid back as he landed square in my chest, knocking me over. His legs popped out around my head, kicking me in the face.

“Has everyone had a turn causing Leo pain, or is there still a line?” I mumbled with a foot pressed to my cheek.

Raph sighed. “We’re not done talking about this, Leo. We still have a serious problem, whether you see it or not.”

“Yeah, yeah, your Raph chasm is becoming a real distraction to the team.” I stood up, dusting myself off.

Raph’s growl hummed through the air, but he managed to take a deep breath. “Meet in Donnie’s lab when April gets here. You can do that, right Leo?” Raph left the area in a huff.

I mimicked his command orders with my hands. Blah, blah, blah. “You can do that, right Leo? He’s so bossy. He can’t tell me what to do, I’m the leader now. Yeah. I can’t believe this-“ I walked over to my room, a massive hole torn straight through the train car. Comics and what little figurines survived scattered around. Sheesh, what a mess.

“Leo,” Mikey called, walking closer. Oh, not this again.

“Oh, mi hermanito, mind helping me patch this little hole up?” I charged away to find a rod, and he followed.

“Lee,” Mikey caught up, “that was a pretty heated fight. Do you, maybe, wanna talk about it?”

“That’s gonna be a no.”

“It always helps to get it off your chest.”

“Look, Mikey,” I put my hands on his shoulders, “you don’t need to worry about me and Raph, alright? We always work it out. In our own, unique, way. We’re brothers,” I shrugged, “we’ve got each other's shells.”

Mikey paused as I began to dig through some scrap metal. I was looking for something long enough to stretch across the tear in the train car, and maybe hang a curtain or blanket across. At least get a little privacy where I can.

“But-“ Mikey chimed in, “it hasn’t stopped yet. You guys have been at each other's throats for months. Ever since pops named you-“

“Hey, he’s just jealous because I’m a better leader than him.”

“That’s not true, Leo,” Mikey defended. It struck a nerve, “Raph did a great job when he was leader.” Mikey dug around in the scrap too, getting to my level. “If you're- nervous- about something, Raph would understand. You just need to talk to him.”

“Psh, I’m not nervous about anything. I’ve got this.” Even then it sounded like a lie. Mikey stared off, a little uneasy. This hadn’t gone the way he wanted it too. I hate seeing my brothers defeated. “I’ll talk to Raph,” I relented and Mikey cheered up.

“And you’ll work it out?” Mikey asked.

“I’ll work it out,” I shrugged it off, but a hard stare from Dr. Delicate Touch had me reconsider. “ I promise, okay?”

“Okay!” Mikey smiled. I’m terrible at keeping promises.

“Aha!” I lifted up a long metal rod, “I think this’ll do. Let’s go.”

“Alright, fearless leader,” Mikey laughed. Fearless, huh? “I’ll take this side,” Mikey suggested as we once again returned to the scene of the crime.

“Are you sure you can reach up there?”

“Hey, I’m not that short!” Mikey pouted with his still very baby looking face. So round. Mikey had always been very strong, and very talented, but he’d never been very tall. He struggled to get the rod up to Raph height. Luckily, he had a creative solution. He bounced around, on top of some boxes and railings and landed on top of the train car. “Hand it up to me,” Mikey said proudly.

“That’s one way to make yourself a bigger person.” He slid it into place, and an oversized old blue curtain was hung over the rod.

“Teamwork makes the dream work, baby,” Mikey yelled, jumping down in a series of flips and cartwheels

“Good as new,” I inspected our work, “we’re really starting to wear the new place down.”

“Pretty soon, it’ll feel just like home!” Mikey cheered.

A loud crash echoed through the tunnels. Me and Mikey raced toward it, and were met with a family reunion. “I thought I told you boys to be quiet!” Master Splinter yelled from the other room.

“Hey, y’all,” April waved from the floor amongst the tipped over and open boxes she had attempted to pass through. “Have these always been here?”

“Only since yesterday,” Raph went over and picked her out of the mess, “we moved some stuff around when Mikey and De found a foos-ball table in the dump.”

“Nasty.”

“Only mildly,” Donnie chimed in, “quite honestly, it was a steal. A true treasure amongst trash. And thoroughly cleaned since its discardment.”

“Now we can all take a turn defeating Donnie,” I remarked.

“Ignoring that,” Donnie groaned, “I believe we have prior arrangements regarding science! The lab is all prepped and ready, Pril.”

“And I got your samples right here,” April pulled out a glass tube filled with a mysterious glowy blue liquid.

“Pretty,” I said.

Mikey got up close to it, “Ooooooo what does it do?”

“Careful, it’s dangerous,” April pulled it away, “probably.”

“That is what we shall discover,” Donnie led the march to the lab, “Personally, I hope it’s deadly.”

“Not a good way to start, De.” I followed behind.

[erodasfishtacos]

Cheating!h blurb where ana asks why they dont have sex or at a party and she’s trying to pull him into a room and y/n watching him try to make excuses and then next time having sex with y/n he says anna keeps trying and she has the pride he doesnt give in... or something exploring that situation

warnings: smut, cheating, angst

“Anna, I just-“ Harry huffs as she tugs him into a spare bedroom of the party after he had put up a valiant fight to keep them in the main area.

Her hands are unbuttoning his already barely buttoned shirt, running down his bare skin, and he is cut off by a sloppy kiss to his mouth.

Fear shoots up through him, it’s not YN, he doesn’t want this with her.

“C’mon, it’s been almost six months and you still haven’t touched me. Just fuck me,” Anna complains, fed up with the lack of or more like nonexsistence of their sex life.

It was near impossible to believe, someone like Harry who oozed sex out of every pore of his body wasn’t sexually active or interested in fucking his girlfriend.

When Anna takes a different approach of going for his belt buckle, mouth trailing against his collarbone, and attempting to get to his groin - which hadn’t hardened in the slightest.

“Enough,” Harry states firmly, grasping her wrists lightly and making her look at him, “I don’t want to have sex right now, okay?”

His girlfriend’s face falters, “You never want to.”

“If you don’t like it break up with me,” He hisses, knowing YN is going to get suspicious the longer they’re in a room together.

Anna, who really did have a kind heart, frowns, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to pressure you into anything. I would never force you to.”

Harry just rebuttons his shirt, “S’fine. Let’s just get back to the party and have a good time, yeah?”

She nods as Harry swings his arm around her shoulder, unlocking the door, and pausing when he sees YN a bit of the ways down the corridor - staring at the two leaving the bedroom.

“I’m going to get a drink,” He dismisses bluntly, his focus set on the girl who was visible angry with him in the kitchen.

Before he can get out a word, she steps forward and swipes her thumb against his collarbone.

It comes back with the waxy substance of Anna’s bright mauve lipstick.

“Have fun in there, did you?” YN asks, she tries to keep her tone cool and unbothered by Harry sees right through it to the insecurity.

“You know I didn’t,” He replies between gritted teeth, how could she get jealous when this was all her?

He didn’t want a girlfriend.

Well he did but he only want her and she fucking knew that.

“If you wanted me to believe you, maybe you would have wiped her lipstick marks from your neck and chest,” She chuckles and it makes Harry’s hair on the back of his neck stand up.

It was the distinct chuckle and tone she used when she was upset but wasn’t going to admit it over her dead body.

Before he can call her out, she shoulders past him, disappearing into the dancing crowd of people and out of his side.

“Fuck,” He mutters, running a hand through his hair before trudging off to find Niall and Zayn - to distract himself.

-

“Stay the night, please?” Anna asks softly when Harry pulls up to her small, quaint little house that fit her perfectly.

“M’sorry. I have a long day tomorrow.”

It was a lie. It was rarer that he told the truth to his girlfriend than fibbing.

“So? Let’s cuddle, do something,” She begs, frustrated with her emotionally and sometimes physically distant boyfriend.

Harry shakes his head, “Maybe next weekend.”

He always said that.

It never happened.

—

As soon as he drops off Anna, his next stop is a route that is ingrained in his head front and backwards, her apartment.

He has a key, doesn’t bother knocking and just barges into the dimly lit house with her shoes tossed clumsily on the floor - almost trips.

When he finds her, she’s in a towel - freshly showered, and brushing through her hair in her small walk-in closet.

She heard him come in, knew he was storming in here, and still didn’t turn around when he slammed open her bedroom door.

He’s crowding behind her, knocking the brush out of her hand, and pinning her to the wall, “You’re so bloody ridiculous. You jealous little brat.”

YN doesn’t respond, her body still wound tight with tension and a gluttonous feeling of rage for earlier in the night.

“Been fuckin’ you and only you since I was seventeen. Y’know that I didn’t fuck her, didn’t even touch her and you still have the nerve to act like a crybaby,” Harry seethes, his whole chest pressed against her back, no room to escape.

“Her lipstick was all over you,” She argues back weakly when his hands come to the knot in her towel, teasing at unraveling.

“Yeah because she was begging me to fuck her and I said ‘no’ so she tried to get in my pants and I pushed her off.”

“Why?” YN murmurs, quiet in the small space.

“You fuckin’ know why,” Harry growls with his teeth grazing across her bare shoulder blade.

“Say it.”

“I pushed her off ‘cause you’re the only person I’ve fucked since I was seventeen. My cock is yours,” He rasps, untying the knot and letting the towel drop.

He wishes she would just end all this bullshit.

Let him have her fully and completely but she was so fucking afraid of getting hurt when it wouldn’t happen.

“Go on, tell me who owns this cunt,” Harry demands, hand tucking between her thick thighs to cup her puffy mound in his hand.

“H,” She whimpers as his finger lightly slides up the wet groove of her center with a careful drag.

When she doesn’t give him the answer he wants, he gives her clit a hard pinch, “Don’t make me repeat myself.”

“Yours, fuck - it’s yours,” YN huffs at the slight but welcome pain on her nerves - relaxing when it returns to soft strokes.

“Anna is pretty, y’know? Had her on me, kissing my neck, unbuttoning my shirt and shit,” Harry hums against her ear, two fingers sinking into the tight heat of her body.

He continues, “Didn’t even get hard when that happened. That’s how fucking trained I am for you. What a tight fucking leash you have me on.”

YN turns a bit into putty at his words, insecurity slow flooding out of her body, and feeling more like how she usually does.

“How do y’ever forget? How much I love you?” He asks in true disbelief, it literally oozes through his pores how much he adores his high school sweetheart.

“Don’t-“ She squeaks desperately.

“Why won’t you let me tell you how much I love you, baby?”

His voice like dark, sweet honey that seeps into her every nerve-ending and makes her feel lethargic, in a boneless silky way.

“Stop plea- Just touch me,” YN begs when his fingers crook into against her plushy, tight walls with focused strokes.

“You need to admit it, y’stubborn little thing. I know how in love you are with me,” Harry pushes, needing to hear validation from his favorite person on this earth.

He squats down, spreading her cheeks, and leaning in to lick from the top of clit all the way back to her other entrance.

His large palms keeping her apart, digging into the thick skin until his fingers are white - tongue finding her core and darting in to her most sensitive area.

“H, oh my god,” YN moans, head falling forward against the wall, pushing her hips backward into his mouth.

“Darling, c’mon. Show me how sweet y’can be f’me,” Harry goads encouragingly, it always took a little bit of effort to get her to break.

“I love you….s’much,” She whispers, voice cracking on the last syllable as he rewards her with a suckling kiss to her clit and slips his fingers back in.

“I know y’do, baby. You know I’d never give it to anyone but you,” Harry coos, anything to get her to soften her harsh edges, chip away at her stone wall.

Her hand reaches behind to weave through his hair, her stomach sucking in harshly as she feels her tight band snap as she releases.

“O-oh, you’re mine. Y’mine,” His love chants as she rides out her intense wave of her orgasm as he helps her through it.

“M’yours,” Harry agrees immediately, standing up and a smile breaks on his face when she turns around and wraps him into a hug.

“I love you. I know you didn’t touch her. I just hate it,” YN murmurs softly, undoing his shirt and sliding it off of his shoulders.

His smile fades at her words, “Then make it stop. The minute you tell me you’re ready to make this work, I’ll break up with her.”

“I’m no-not ready,” She stammers, eyes widening like a deer in headlights at his words.

So afraid. So fucking scared.

“Okay, okay,” He soothes when he sees her chest start to rise faster and faster with anxiety.

He doesn’t want to drop it.

He wants to shake her and ask her how the fuck she doesn’t see that they’re already in a relationship and she’s being blinded by irrational fears.

Harry waddles them over to her messy bed, pushing her back and adjusting until she’s in the center - staring at him with doe eyes.

He loves her so much it hurts to look at her for too long.

When he tugs off his jeans, taking his phone out to put on the side table - he sees an unread text from Anna.

I’m sorry about earlier. I really want to make it work with you. You’re a great guy x

Harry should feel bad. Maybe his stomach should have dropped or something at how awful he’s being to that girl.

But when his love is splayed out, pliant and malleable for him, he can’t find an ounce of fucks to give as he tosses it on the bedside table.

He had been in love with this girl since he was sixteen, never fell out of it, he was addicted to her - willing to go through all this bullshit if it meant he had her.

It always felt like the first time, crawling on top of her, and bending down to pull her puffy lips into a strong kiss as he slides in, always a pleasant stretch.

As they move together, in a familiar rhythm, she murmurs against his lips, “One day, I’ll be ready.”

“Please, make it soon, darlin’,” Harry pleas, swallowing harshly before pushing his emotions into hard, deep thrusts.

[drdemonprince]

What would you advice be to an autistic person who wants to make friends online but is afraid to? I was severely cyber bullied and groomed by older men growing up which causes me to be scared to connect with people online.

I think you have to really like the person, and really like the activities you share. 

There are so many avenues online for interacting with others, or having your digitally-mediated expression of selfhood interfacing with somebody else's digital mediated expression of selfhood, and a lot of it is very time consuming but with little lasting substance and a lot of advertiser profit motive driving and facilitating it. you can pour hours, days, years into something very engaging and distracting without having much of a relationship to show for it, or you can find a few people the mean a whole lot to you and who care about you, and those two very different things can happen on the exact same communities/apps/websites. 

making friends after you've been mistreated is hard, it's hard in person and it's hard virtually. I've written a ton about boundaries and all of that holds (and here I will once again nod over at Captain Awkward and strongly recommend her blog for those still working on the core base of boundaries piece), and I've written a lot about bad friendships and my own failures to advocate for myself, and that's all well and good, and having those skills is necessary, and the only way you get them is through practice. 

you will probably need years of practice. i sure did and still do. making new friends and building a community is a lot of long, hard work. it’s worth it, but you’re not a failure if it doesn’t take right away. if you aren’t used to finding acceptance and building healthy relationships it will take a lot of meeting people repeatedly and trying new things and feeling unsure to get there. and that long long process is the only way it will happen for most of us. if you’ve been traumatized online, you don’t ever have to make friends online again if you don’t want to. but for many autistic people it is one of the easiest ways to go about initially meeting people. and that really just does come down to trying out a variety of different options, and sticking with a few of them long enough to actually get to know the people there, while practicing your own self advocacy the entire time. it’s that like, simple, and that hard and long. 

 but beyond that I think it has to come down to this: you have to actually be able to delight in somebody else and in the activities and pursuits you share together. 

If you can find someone who delights you (when you interact and in relation to one another, not just because something they have *made* delights you), by god show it, because we are all aching for that kind of connection and there is nothing more beautiful than it. that kind of thing is really rare. in order to get there, you have to be a part of conversations, message people, ask people questions, participate in online games or activities, attend virtual events, listen to other people, meet people and size them up a whole lot. like years worth of a lot. you just do it and keep doing it, not being married to any one interaction having any particular outcome, because most people will not be people who delight you or who find delight in you, and that will never come instantly anyway, but the more you start meeting people and trying new things the more you’ll start to get a sense of what you really like, and who really likes you in return. 

Going pretty abstract with my answer here because I think the how to's that I wrote in the relationship chapter of Laziness Does Not Exist and in my essay an Autistic Social Butterfly's Guide to Making friends cover the practical side pretty well already. if you haven’t checked those out I’d recommend them. Thanks for your question. 

[flickeringart]

Futility, boredom and unconscious inferiority/superiority

(The strange faces of Saturn and Neptune)

Saturn has to do with inferiority, our unconscious perception and assumption of lack in ourselves. Fear of failure, insufficiency, cruelty, dying, pain, loneliness, isolation, becoming irrelevant, being overlooked, being disrespected and overpowered, being rejected or confronted etc. People who have this planet strong in their charts, and especially closely connected to personal planets, usually build constructs around themselves - coping mechanisms to avoid certain outcomes and consequences. These consequences are usually felt to be very real although they haven’t manifested yet. The fear is usually exaggerated to the point of assuming larger proportions than are healthy in order to live a life that’s rewarding and fulfilling. As a result, the individual feels trapped, imprisoned and stifled - even crippled. There’s no where to hide from pain and no way to free oneself from it. One gets criticized for being too isolated, closed off and fearful, one gets criticized for being too demonstrative, forward and even cruel. This often gives the native the feeling of never being able to win in life. There are no rewards, only punishments. This is a real dilemma and can give rise to all kinds of manifestations, such as overcompensation, radical stances and extreme resistance to any praise or critique. Caring too much and caring too little becomes equally problematic. Consequences are perceived clearly and there’s always a choice of which ones to suffer. It’s all equally bad and equally good, but there’s still a sense of freedom in the choice point. 

I have a 5-page document where I explore Neptune and the discovery chart which can be found and purchased here for $6. Neptune was discovered at 25° Aquarius conjunct Saturn. This is important to keep in mind, because Neptune, much like Saturn, has been linked to a sense of futility, of everything being meaningless or unreal, effort is only extended because one has nothing better to do. There’s a kind of idleness and boredom that can be insufferable, a sense of things not being worth it because it’s all going down the drain anyway. That being said, Saturn and Neptune are different planets with different significators and shouldn’t be taken as the same principle, but they both often give rise to a sense of loneliness and isolation, at least initially. The major difference is that Saturn is about deliberate action and consequence, of understanding the mechanics of life and how to work them to get the desired results - Saturn is essentially a crash course in how to gain something of substance through choosing the right kind of pain. Neptune is about losing a sense of foothold, surrendering and idealizing something, of putting any shape or form on a pedestal and using it as a gateway to experiencing something transcendent and divine. Both Saturn and Neptune have to do with disappointment - Saturn produces disappointment through clinging to a specific external outcome as a proof of one’s strength of will and character within society, Neptune through idealizing and unconsciously demanding that things cater to one’s specific version of what divinity looks like. Saturn is much more personal than Neptune in this sense. The stereotypical Neptunian individual usually delights in surrendering and being helpless because it confirms one’s own passivity, formlessness and universal belonging - the Saturnian individual finds this scary as hell because weakness is never associated with superiority to this planet. Things are black and white to Saturn - it’s either yes or no or maybe. Neptune likes things grey, it can be both yes and no and maybe - they’re all secretly the same because the end goal is one and the same. With Neptune, perception is used for a purpose. With Saturn, perception is reality. 

There are also similarities in the effort to disarm the world. Saturn wants to disarm and render its opponents weak and inconsequential for the purpose of self-protection. Neptune wants to disarm for the purpose of erasing difference between the fallen and the elevated - essentially undermining a sense of separation and solidity. That being said, there’s an ugly face to both of these planets, of wanting to achieve some kind of superiority at the expense of others. Saturn does it through becoming unconcerned, cold and detached, logical and rational. Neptune does it through escaping into a bubble reality of vagueness, seduction and slipperiness. Saturn usually becomes demanding, dry and matter-of-factly, Neptune becomes hurt with a curious performative quality to it. 

I think that there’s a good use to be had from both of these planets. Saturn strips reality of ambiguity and potential enough for us to see what is possible to achieve and what is worth it considering our current state, strengths and weaknesses both included without self-deception or cushioning. Neptune blurs the lines in order for us to experience infinite potential without purpose or inherent meaning, just an experience of perfect reality without any conditions on it. There are traps with these dynamics, as mentioned, but these exists with all planets.

I believe that we have to take the good with the bad and honor each planetary function, their potentials and insufficiencies… 

[mayalaen]

i’m sorry for pushing you guys away

My family has had A LOT of counseling over the years, but I’ve had very little because counselors don’t seem to know what to do with schizophrenics and they end up doing weird shit to me.

Recently my brain has decided that the childhood experiences I thought weren’t a big deal were actually pretty traumatic, and my brain wouldn’t let me stuff it down anymore. Damn, but I was so good at stuffing that I didn’t even realize I had anger issues!

Apparently I have A SHIT-TON of anger issues 😲

However, in the process of going through counseling, my mom and I finally have a second label for the 4 bipolar people in my family who have caused me the most trauma.

They’re not JUST bipolar. They’re also Malignant Narcissists. Surprise! (Generations of abuse+substance use+mental issues breeds these fuckers if you didn’t know)

It’s kinda nice to have a label for them because now we can learn how better to deal with them, and the tips we’ve learned so far have worked GREAT!!

The BAD NEWS is that they’ve all carried a diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder for years, so I assumed all the toxic manipulative shit was due to being bipolar. Because that’s what I was told! (I did think it was odd that most of their behavior wasn’t included on the symptoms of bipolar disorder lists on websites and in psych books)

Because of that, I’ve put distance between myself and bipolar people I start to become friends with as soon as I realize they’re bipolar or have mood issues.

The reason I’m posting about this here is because I’ve been pushing away some really great people who are simply bipolar, thinking they were just being nice to me until we got close and then they’d unleash the manipulative toxicity on me.

I can’t tell you how hurt and angry this it makes me that my family’s behavior fucked up my friendships, but I’m also thankful for the thick skin they’ve given me.

There’s a few people I could name, but I don’t want to out them if they haven’t told anyone else they’re bipolar, but if you see this and you’ve tried to be friends with me and you’re bipolar or even have the barest hints of mood swings, this is for you.

I AM SO SORRY 😭

I really liked being with you. You’re fun and easy to talk to. You’ve never actually hurt me, but I was protecting myself.

As you can imagine, this has been super upsetting, and it’s part of the reason I haven’t been around much.

I went through a grieving period for all the people I could’ve been friends with over the years and quite a number of fuckbuddies and even a couple relationships that could’ve been long-term.

It’s not completely my family’s fault -- counselors told us what they were and missed the malignant narcissism diagnosis -- but I’m in the anger stage of this whole process, and I’m really fucking mad and resentful. I haven’t even been able to look my father in the eye for months now.

Good thing he’s so narcissistic that he hasn’t noticed or cared otherwise I would’ve had to talk to him about it 🤣

One of the things I really enjoyed was watching movies online with friends, and something I’m really excited about is that I’ve created a Plex server with just over 2000 movies and almost 300 TV shows on it, closed captioning as well.

At my insistence, as a family we finally cut ties with cable TV and big ISP a few months ago, so we’re not spending ridiculous amounts of money with Cox. I put two months’ worth of Cox bills to good use with this server, and we’re all enjoying that and a few paid streaming apps.

Which means that I can easily set up and host movie nights for friends and share my libraries with friends 🥳

Of course with me being in the middle of selling the shop, I have no time to do this, but I have hope that I’ll be able to do this soon and play games again and try to rekindle friendships that I hopefully haven’t fucked up beyond repair.

If you’ve made it this far reading through all my rambling, thank you 💜