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stararch4ngelqueen · 1 year ago

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Guessing Game

My lovely little Ghost pregnancy not short Drabble.

Word Count: 7.7k

- - -

Moments of silence with your husband were usually tranquil and serene in the comforts of your own home. It was rare for the aura between you both to be fueled with unbridled tension and hesitation to even breathe properly.

The two of you said nothing for the longest time in the sanctuary of your living room, on your comfortable couch. In the silent man’s hand, he held a test, which he proceeded to set down on the coffee table in front of him.

Positive.

A little pink sign on a tiny screen, bright as day, staring at you both like a sore thumb.

That’s supposed to be a good thing, Positives usually mean good things. Happy, joyful, erratic, exciting. Good.

Positives however, can also be scary, terrifying, petrifying.

Your heart sank deep into the bottom of your stomach, a dreadful ache following suit that lingered as every minute passed in this silence.

You hated it, but you didn't know what to say.

It started off as an odd feeling, just a couple of days ago. A bit of dizziness in the morning, a slight queasiness after, but nothing more. You blamed it on allergies, or a migraine due to lack of proper sleep, anything but that single, simple idea of what it could’ve been.

The signs grew more unquestionably obvious with every day passed, the sickness, the shift in your emotions, the sinking feeling as the possibility grew more and more intense with each passing hour.

You went out during a grocery run, and couldn't stop yourself from arriving at a pharmacy, heading towards that one particular aisle containing just what you needed.

You didn’t even know when or how-

You stopped yourself right there. You’d be an absolute fool if you considered finishing that thought for a sentence.

You know how it happened, of course you knew. Question was, you couldn’t exactly remember when. It sort of happened quite often.

Just for good measure, you had also bought three other boxes, which were currently jumbled in your bathroom sink, each revealing the same exact message.

A part of you, a tiny part of you, buried underneath all the stomach burning anxiety and dread of this new onset reality was kind of delighted, excited in fact, bringing forth upon you a wish you never realized you’d forgotten about. One you believed you had no right to have after the life you lived.

To have a baby with the man you loved, truly loved. A fair amount of the population’s absolute dream.

An honest, beautiful dream, but for all you knew, it was only yours. At one point, not once did you ever think if it was his dream as well.

That was until a few weeks ago once it was brought up, during a late-night discussion in bed.

“How do you feel about a baby?”

An honest, curious question had never made the man stiffer in his life, feeling his hands on you grow stiff like dead branches before he released you, catching you completely by surprise.

The both of you were stable, financially at least. Emotionally however, all that bustled through Simon’s head were the great cons that outweighed the pros.

An honest, simple question turned into a forty-minute discussion over both your heavy worries and concerns. His concerns, his fears, his terror of bringing a version of himself to this dangerous, unpredictable world of chaos and death, bred by the man who enjoyed creating such.

You reassured him constantly, by then just wishing to end the topic then and there. An honest question grew too harshly awkward, painfully dragged out at the realization that Simon may not have wanted children at all.

It was a thorn you shouldn’t have pricked your finger on, so you were content to step back and let the topic go.

Simon’s face, brows contorted with distress still, realized your ache at this discussion. You didn’t wish to scare him, and the last thing he wanted was to scare you, which was exactly what he was doing.

When it came to you, his heart softened at the reality of you being the doe eyed mother of his child, born with your love and beauty, your charisma and valor. A headstrong boy or girl with a mother like you to guide them along the way, this world lacked that kind of bond in the places no one dares to check.

“Is this something you want?” Simon finally speaks his mind, concerned over what was going through yours.

Immediately, you begin to release everything, slowly listing out a series of options that came to the top of your head, ones he wasn't expecting to hear. Going to a clinic, figuring out your options, that sort of thing if he didn’t want the baby.

Simon immediately stops you from speaking further.

“Forget about me for just a second,” Simon states, realizing he may have come off too harshly on this matter towards you, potentially giving you the wrong idea.

“What about you?” He asks in a calm, softened tone. Me?

“Is this something you want?”

You hesitate, glancing everywhere but him as your fingers clench at the bedsheets.

His hand takes yours, his other lightly sweeping through your hair. “Tell me the truth. I won’t force this on you.”

You look him in the eyes, those eyes you absolutely adored.

Oftentimes, you hear him say he doesn’t deserve you, but sometimes you can’t help but find him adorable for him being blatantly unaware of when you think in vice versa to this.

His consideration on your behalf melted your heart to its very core.

“I’ve always wanted this, Simon.” You admit, unable to hold back the tears as you look down.

“At one point in my life, I never even thought of it, but lately… “ You huffed out a weak laugh, wiping your soaked cheeks with the back of your fingers.

“I don’t know, I’ve always wanted to be a mom, but there’s so many worries I have.”

“Like what?” He asked.

“If I’d even be a good mom,” you proceeded, the tears continuing to fall. “If I could even take that responsibility, if the man I thought I’d marry when I wanted to grow up would be there alongside me all the way and have a cute little family.”

The dreadful worries began to crowd your head, much against your better judgment. If you’d carry them to full term, if Simon would stay the entire way, if he second guessed and didn’t want the baby any longer, or if something happened to the baby?

He holds you close, cradling your head close. Softly, he hushed against your forehead, his nose pressed against the crown of your hair.

“But, what if you don’t want-“ you proceeded, feeling his head shake against your head.

“No,” he stops you. “Don’t say that, love.”

He goes quiet, growing lost in his thoughts as you continuously sniffle, patiently wiping your eyes repeatedly. His comforting hug felt so stiff, so foreign, so tense. You always melted in his embrace, but the hesitation that flooded your bones prevented you from doing so.

“I don’t know if I can hold that responsibility of bein’ a good father.” He brings himself to admit, a personal truth that hurts even him to exhale it. Maybe it’s the shock still setting in that makes him say this, but it's still pure, brutal honesty.

Your heart sinks at those words. Even if you were to try to convince him that you could physically see him pacing around a pink or blue tinted nursery, swaddling a baby in his broad arms, he’d never see it that way, feeling himself incapable of clutching something so delicate and pure in his hands.

Never did he see himself being a good father, compared to the life he had, but your words gave him a bit of an epiphany.

If the man you wanted to marry during your childhood’s hopeful dreams was going to remain to help raise a beautiful child and have a happy family, that didn’t mean you’d be doing it alone. He’d take on this role, and he wanted to stay beside you, regardless of it all.

A child with your eyes sounded wonderful. It was interesting really, you were thinking the exact same about him, the excitement and anxiety deep down in both your stomachs still.

“But I want to try,” Simon admits, holding your hands securely in his.

- - -

“Can we start this over?” You spoke up, breaking through this painfully tense silence you’ve felt unable to sit through for a second longer.

He quietly nodded, watching you rise up, plucking the test from the coffee table before walking out of the living room.

You stopped in the middle of the hallway, feeling your fingers trembling as your nerves refused to settle.

This wasn’t how you wanted this to go. You wanted to surprise him in some cuter, more innocent way, but he had caught you completely by surprise as you opened the bathroom door, finding Simon standing on the other side.

Seeing his head tilt down and catch a glimpse of that test immediately destroyed every possible opportunity to surprise him, though you knew it was something you couldn’t be disappointed at forever.

Taking a calm breath, you gather up all the excitement you could muster in your body before turning around, quickly heading back towards the living room entryway.

Before you could muster a word, you were met with a strong wall of warm, black shirt clad muscle, your husband enveloping you in his broad arms, clutching you like his only saving grace.

Simon heard your laugh erupt from your lips, this sudden gesture catching you by surprise as you hugged him back, feeling your feet lift off the floor once you secure your arms around his neck.

With your happiness came tears, joining in with your wide smile. Simon’s eyes glistened with pure, raw emotions, consisting of adoration and raw, unfiltered love the second he looked into your eyes before flooding you with passionate kiss after kiss.

He was scared though. He would always be scared, but for now, he turned his walls into open gates, allowing you to flood his very being with warmth and light, feeling the happiest he’s ever been, following second to his proposal to you.

“A little you,” he muffled against your lips after kissing you for a final time.

“A little you,” you repeated with a giggle.

“With those pretty eyes of yours.” You whisper up to him, grazing your free hand against his cheek once he set you down.

“Christ save me if it has your attitude,” He mutters against your forehead before placing another kiss on it, forcing a snort from your nose in amusement.

That night, he brought you flowers and your favorite chocolates, promising to take you out to eat at your favorite restaurant the next evening. Even after all this time, he still wasn’t a fan of public places, but this was such a celebration, he would do it all in the name of you.

5 weeks.

It wasn’t enough for an ultrasound worth seeing to check for something exciting beyond the size of a pearl or rice grain, but now there was something here. Someone there, and it would soon rely on the two of you to protect it, to love and cherish it.

This would mean you would have to be away from your military lifestyle, taking on this new role while Simon continued on with his. You had to admit you were jealous, especially as the wave of maternal thoughts continuously reminded you of this new position.

With this blessing came so many worries. Simon would have to continue his lifestyle, meaning he’d be gone for long periods of time. How could you cope exactly with this? What would happen, especially after the baby was born?

Maybe you were just thinking ahead.

Only time would really tell if you were true to your word of physically and mentally preparing for it.

Your only regret for the moment was not preparing an adorable pregnancy reveal surprise for him, though time will tell if you have a chance to make up for it.

- - -

You were craving s’mores, but not just any s’mores.

You were dying for that crispy, burnt marshmallow taste, but despised the idea of smoke from a campfire, your nose suddenly souring at the thought, and the rainy weather outside had been unforgiving these past few weeks.

You’ve taken to baking a lot lately these past few evenings, scattered along the last few weeks, keeping your area lit up with the warm stovetop light, melding perfectly with the cozy ambience of your kitchen.

Your kitchen had been your experiment room, your science lab, smelling of rich chocolate and burnt marshmallows as you set your clear glass pan onto a heat protected surface, closing your oven with a gloved hand.

A Graham cracker crust, a rich, fudgy brownie filling, and marshmallow fluff that toasted delightfully on top, thanks to the broiler in your oven.

They were just a more aesthetically pleasing version of slutty brownies, delicious looking ones at least.

21 weeks in, the changes were growing ever so obvious. Your abdomen grew a bit plush, but still thankfully secured under the sanctuary of Simon’s gray t-shirt.

Since you woke up this morning, all you craved was brownies. But fuck it, it was a better craving than something sick, like ice cream and soy sauce, or some other horridly confusing craving you discovered other pregnant women had.

Don’t even bother trying it.

“You gonna finish it this time?” Simon piqued as he stood at the other end of your kitchen counter, watching you cut into this delectable creation, hearing the crunch of the graham crackers as fudgy chocolate and gooey marshmallow clung to your knife from the cut.

It was in the oven for about fifty minutes, but the possibility of raw eggs was nothing compared to the amount of sugar in this invention. At the very least, he made sure you had eaten proper, healthier food throughout the day until now, so satisfying this craving wouldn’t truly hurt every now and then.

“Of course, I will,” you looked up at him after plating four sizable slices on the plate, bits of melted marshmallow coating your fingers of your opposite hands. “You think this is all just for me? You’ve wanted s’mores just as much as I have.”

You tilted your head to the stove, gesturing towards the kettle that whistled for attention during your discussion. “I want some of that earl grey tea too, please.”

You say that because he usually doesn’t drink sweetened tea with his desserts, that was his given fancy. Plain tea cuts through the sweetness perfectly.

“Alright, as long as you only eat two of those. That much sugar will drive you up the damn walls.” Simon mentioned while gathering two mugs from the top cupboard, setting them on the counter.

“Bite me, Riley.” You muttered in amusement, clutching hold of the tray with a still gloved hand while making the final cuts to your dessert.

“I have. Can still see it from here, love.” His voice trailed into your ear from behind you as he passed by, his form lightly, yet innocently brushing along your backside to get the earl grey from another cabinet.

You smiled, a tint of color flushing your cheeks as you licked the remnants off the side of the knife before placing it in the sink.

It was silly, really. With sugar, came the surge of arousal. Hormones really loved to mess with your mind and turned you from his ever doting, needy little wife into his ever doting, needy little wife. It was a tough price to pay.

Tough price to pay indeed.

- - -

“Once this baby sees you, an’ once it touches your skin, they’ll see you as their entire perfect world.” His lowered tone rumbled deliciously from his throat, trailing along the skin of your neck in a similar fashion to his hands.

“You’ll be a wonderful little mother.” He mutters this promise to you, this elegant truth, whether your mind allows it to be believable or not.

Simon’s soothing words mumbled along the shell of your ear, his arms secured around you like a shield of comfort, more secure than any soft blanket after being tossed in the dryer.

You were fresh out of a warmed bath, warm enough to sleep in without being scalding, scented with your favorite bath soaps and oils, turning you into a glistening queen as he sat beside the tub to keep you company, talking about anything and everything to your heart’s content until the water was bordering the edges of lukewarm and cold.

You seemed more concerned over how you appeared as time passed, as if Simon would ever view you any less than desirable. He didn't understand this sudden change in attitude at first, viewing you as nothing more than a diamond after spending decades trapped in coal. Pure, utter perfection bred from years of mind melding pressure from the eyes of the world.

Scars or not, your changing body was gorgeous to him, going through a beautiful process to nurture your growing child.

Simon’s war weathered hands worked wonders along your skin, massaging along your shoulders down to your legs, working the muscles that would eventually grow swelled with time. He never minded this, knowing you’d deserve everything you deserve and more for this laborious task of carrying his child.

Old Friends of yours, and the internet of course, recommended that moisturizing was key during pregnancy, to combat those stretch marks.

The sweet almond oil was merely a plus, as well as the vanilla scented cocoa and shea body butter you used to seal in the moisture. You glistened like an absolute goddess, perfuming his dreams as he cradled you close at night.

It was even working on him, his hands always felt a little bit softer after such a routine each evening.

“An’ before you know it, our little kid will be drinkin’ their tea through their sippy cups.”

A small smile tickled the corners of your lips, a short, amused snort leaving your nose from the comment.

There it was, that smile that Simon adored so much.

A part of him knew that this wouldn’t be the last time these raging hormones would drag you down, but what good was a husband if not an anchor to your worries and concerns?

- - -

“Just one sip?”

“No.”

“But Si-“

“No.” Came his firm reply yet again, all while reading through today’s mail.

Wine. You wanted wine. You craved it desperately, but you couldn’t have it.

Whatever idiotic, controversial topic you had read off your phone or heard from one of your girlfriends was something he wished he could rip from your head and shove it back to where it belonged.

He knew you liked wine, particularly sweet ones, and was aware you had very well missed it, but regardless, he was dreadfully against it.

He cut back on cigarettes for his baby, so like hell any single drop of alcohol was going to touch your tongue, even if it was just for a taste.

Simon got you sparkling grape cider after you spent two days complaining, but it wasn’t the same. Who cares? It was sweet and didn’t have alcohol.

“But the doctor said-“

“The bloody doctor’s not here, is he?!” Simon’s voice raised instantly, leaving you stunted as he glared at you from the corner of his eye. Like hell you were going to use that no-good doctor’s words as an excuse.

You groaned, rolling your head back before stomping out of the kitchen.

“Fuck you, Riley!” You shouted at him from down the corridor before shutting yourself in the bedroom.

“Love you as well,” he mutters, gathering the ripped open envelopes in his hands.

The silly stories of men being concerned, if not frightened for their wives’ outbursts sounded absolutely absurd. If anything, he tried his very best to hold back any sign of amusement, any twitch of a smile or accidental huff of laughter at how adorable you looked being irritated over something you couldn't have.

It’s not the worst he’s seen you before, but thinking that now, he wasn't sure if he was speaking too soon.

You’ll get over it.

- - -

“You’ll be a wonderful father, Simon.” You reassured him, remaining by his side as a subtle roar of thunder echoed in the horizon from miles away.

30 weeks, 30 weeks and the broad, physical changes started to set in.

The bump stretched through most of his shirts, but you were more than content to be comfortable in his black hoodie. You found him after dinner outside after he had done the dishes, leaning on his crossed arms against the porch fence, a lit cigarette in his hand as he took in the storm’s afterglow ambience.

You rubbed his forearm soothingly, settling your hand against his open palm as his fingers relaxed from the touch of yours.

You knew he still struggled with the new mentality of this reality.

Every day, you saw it flash across his eyes once or twice a day, leading him to disappear every so often for minutes at a time to gather his bearings. Ten minutes grew into thirty, evolving into him remaining on your front porch for an hour, watching the rain fall merely inches in front of his face.

“I never saw myself bein’ a father,” he admits slowly after such a long silence, his lowered tone almost muffled by the storm.

You nod to his confession, despite the burn in your heart to hear it.

He says this due to his mother’s words, an echo of a memory voicing through his thoughts from so long ago.

“He’s your father and there’s always gonna be a piece of him in you.”

The thought alone was more terrifying than his fear of you going into labor if he wasn’t around.

If the bastard was alive, he’d make sure he’d stay dead in a ditch far from society, making it impossible for him to ever learn of his child’s name, preventing him from even mentioning it in crude vain.

“But seein’ you like this,” He continues on, giving your fingers a gentle squeeze, “Seeing you carry my child, our child I mean, made me realize exactly why.”

You nodded slowly again, feeling a bit more considerate to his truth. He didn’t need to voice it, for it was a truth you’d known for quite a long time. You didn’t need to know a cruel, heatless man to understand that your husband was nothing of the sort, not by a long shot.

“You’re not your father, Simon.” You squeeze his hand as you say these words, feeling his gaze trail to yours.

“You know not what to do, how not to act, and I know it's not going to be easy, but I’m here too,” You gently encourage him, trying your best to keep hopeful for him to see what you saw.

“We’ve got each other, right? And like you said, once they see you, they’re gonna view you as the perfect father.”

Simon wondered how he got so lucky to have a woman like you in his life, sporting a gentle love he had only known from his mother.

Stepping away from the railing, Simon lowered his hand along the smooth fabric shielding your belly. Smoothing his palm against it, his eyes followed your fingers as they trailed along his inked tattoos, mindlessly swirling over the patterns as you stepped closer to him.

“We should get ready for bed. Now come inside, I’m not supposed to be breathing this stuff in.” You softly say to him, meeting his nod as he chucked out the cigarette towards the puddles of mud out in the yard, before pressing a kiss to your forehead.

“You chose to come out here.”

“Because my husband needed his wife and child to remind him how much we love him.”

- - -

“What is that?” You ask from the entryway to the kitchen the next morning, lured in by a new scent melding with the usual aroma of ground coffee and toast.

“Food.” He curtly replied, standing in front of the stove.

The fragrant, slightly spicy smell was delightful to you, but you weren’t sure about what it was. You had an idea, but you dreaded what it could’ve been. Maybe that’s why your husband stood the way he did at the stove, purposely blocking your view from the pan.

“Simon, what is it?” You asked again, your curiosity getting the better of you.

His head craned a little, sparing you a glance over his shoulder, seeing you slightly hidden behind the wall. “You won’t like it.”

“Just tell me what it is.”

“Black pudding.”

“Oh.” The contorted face you made immediately confirmed your views on it.

“Want to try?” Simon offered as he glanced back towards the pan.

“No.” He expected that response. You were content with everything he enjoyed in a full English breakfast except that, everything but that.

“Y’sure?” He piqued while plating both your foods, setting the pan back on the stove before setting one of the plates down on the table. He motioned for you to sit with a tilt of his head, watching you hesitantly approach.

He plated the so-called monstrosity on both your plates, knowing very well you couldn��t deny the hunger, despite being well aware of your thoughts for it. Won’t like it until you try, at least.

“Why does it look like that?” Your nose almost scrunched at it as you sat down.

“Cause it’s made with blood, love.” Simon states while filling up two mugs with hot beverages. “Good for ya.”

The look you gave him made it almost impossible to hide a smile any longer.

“Won’t disappear the longer you keep starin’ at it,” Simon chimed after watching you prod at your eggs once he sat down.

“Why’d you do this to me?’ You looked at him with a bit of a pout, frowning at his held back smirk as you proceeded to put your portion onto his plate. Christ, you’re like a little child with steamed veggies.

“Cause it smells good, yeah?” Damn him for knowing that.

You shrug. “I guess.”

“Won’t cause harm in tryin’ it,” Peering back down at his plate, he worked at his own helping, hopefully taking this opportunity to change your mind on what he viewed as essential to an english breakfast.

“Here.” He offered a tiny amount on the tip of a fork to you. You hesitated, your head retching back like a kid avoiding a foul-tasting medicine.

It looked so horrid to you, even if it did look like charred, sliced sausage, but it smelled incredible.

“C’mon, or I’ll keep ya at the table.”

He sounded so strange when he teased, his jokes as terrible as this blood pudding appeared. Nevertheless, you opened your mouth, accepting the food.

“It’s spicy.” You mutter as you chew slowly. By now, Simon couldn't hold back his amusement any longer, watching you swallow before glancing back at your plate, particularly towards the now vacant spot beside the tomatoes.

“Still hungry?” He pried.

You nodded. There were many other tasty options for you right in front of you, but as you picked up your fork, you refrained from selecting anything else.

“What do you want?” He questioned after noting your continued silence.

“That.” You muttered almost shamefully.

“What?”

“That.” You craned your head to motion at the black pudding still on his plate.

A fraction of a smirk formed on his face as he placed it back onto your plate, a low chuckle leaving him. “Good, right?”

“I guess.” You shrugged before putting a more sizable piece in your mouth, almost looking ashamed to eat it.

You weren’t ashamed for eating a peanut butter sandwich with pickle slices in it. How is this worse?

It was truly amusing, if you weren’t pregnant, you wouldn’t even be in the kitchen at this very moment.

“This a new craving now?” Simon couldn't help asking midway through you popping another piece in your mouth, hearing you muffle in agreement while covering your mouth.

“Our little one’s a true Brit now, yeah?”

“Don’t say that ever again.” You chuckled into your hand, cutting another sizable piece with your fork. Simon couldn’t be more amused and ever so happy that you were his wife and mother to his child.

- - -

The anxiety of the small baby shower that was soon to happen later on in the day prevented you from getting a good night’s rest, so you settled to do your favorite little hobby: baking, at six in the morning.

Specifically, making specialty cupcakes for the party.

Usually, you would’ve used boxed mix for that quick fix, but in this case, you did what you called “doctoring up” the cake mix.

An extra egg, swap the amount of water for milk, and use the good vanilla paste from Mexico.

He walked in on you shutting the oven after checking on the baking goods, the warm vanilla swirling deliciously in the air alongside fresh brewed coffee, lightly fogging up the kitchen window in front of the sink.

Six months.

Six months went by so terribly fast. With every passing day, you beamed with motherhood soon to come, spending your days as comfortable and as lazily as possible.

Those cupcakes would soon eye him every time he opened the fridge later today, making the mystery of the truth grow all the more curious in his head.

Only you knew the true gender, a secret you guarded very well the moment you two were alone after the doctor’s visit.

“You’re banned from the kitchen once I start frosting, you know.” You spoke up, showing him a little smile as you pulled out multiple sticks of butter from the fridge, setting them on the warm stove so they’d come to room temperature faster.

“More concerned for you walkin’ around half asleep.” He approached you, watching you huff and shake your head. “I’m fine-”

“Now now, don’t wanna hear any of it.” Simon gently takes you in his arms from behind, feeling you sigh against his chest before relaxing in his embrace.

Slowly, he trailed his hands down over your belly, cradling the underside of your swollen, unborn child.

His favorite activity, his most cherished act to do during his pastime, regardless of where the two of you were, was to hold them. To rest his hands along where he imagined little hands would press, or little feet that would kick back against.

He’d lightly rest his head against the side of your tummy in silence, feeling your fingers comb through his hair as you watched with content, seeing his facial muscles relax, his brow lowering in various thoughts of how their child would look like. These silly, innocent little thoughts always lulled him to sleep, temporarily banishing any and every harsh, dark thought that threatened to overtake him.

“You sure you wanna do this?” You softly ask, hinting towards the baby shower later this evening.

The baby shower was a shared idea between you and Kate’s wife, who began calling a few times a week to check up on you, taking a sort of maternal role on your behalf, providing a fair amount of support without being overbearing.

He was never one for parties. Public parties, anything that involved more than five people at least. But he knew all who were arriving and worked alongside most of them through thick and thin, they may as well be a sort of second family.

Simon had stepped plenty out of his comfort zone alongside you these past few months, doing grocery runs with you, eating out when neither of you felt like cooking, attending local events so you didn't feel cooped up in the house too often, despite Simon’s silent persistence that he would’ve preferred you to remain at home, except for the occasional doctor’s visit.

This baby shower will be here at home, a nice little event where everyone can have fun and bring the baby gifts. After learning what it meant, he couldn’t rob you of that experience.

“I’ll be alright,” He settles your worries, taking a gentle hold of your shoulders to guide you towards the door. “You need rest, love. Get a few hours to yourself, I’ll wake you for your breakfast.”

“Wait,” You tried to stop your steps, despite Simon insisting you continue walking forward.

“Make sure the cupcakes are taken out after fifteen minutes-”

“Will do.”

“And just set them on the-”

“Heat proof pans,” Simon confirmed, “I know. Go get your rest, love.”

- - -

You’ve never seen Simon so relaxed after a delicious dinner, sitting with most of the men in the living room, sharing a couple of beers, the good beers that Soap had brought for the party, conversing happily over various topics and stories, catching up after some lost time.

Through every shared chuckle, every change in subject between the men, Simon couldn't help but shift his attention over towards his wife, standing with Kate and her beloved, chattering your head off while mindlessly resting your hand over the baby bump.

You looked so vibrant, glowing in extravagant excellence. You wore a loose light pink dress that went past your knees, with comfortable, soft puffy sleeves. Tons of tiny blue flowers decorating the fabric of the skirt, accommodating your pregnant tummy beautifully.

You sipped a sparkling elderflower mocktail, thanks to an elderflower nonalcoholic beverage Simon had gotten you that you actually enjoyed.

Alejandro and Rodolfo arrived around four in the evening, apologizing profusely for being two hours late, but the fact that they even arrived had significantly warmed your heart.

“There’s no way we’d miss this special day, Princesa,” Alejandro stated after sharing a warm, heartfelt hug.

In Rodolfo’s hands he carried a large gift, a baby gift set his sisters had made for you, decorated in various yellows and soft, pastel greens, with kisses of pink and blue, a giant mystery to what the baby’s gender might’ve been. It gladly joined the rest of the presents that piled up in the corner of the room, remaining untouched until a particularly exciting event took place.

Kate’s wife immediately helped take the gift to add towards the pile. She had been an absolute dream with you, being as mindful as Simon, if not more than him, when it came to your needs. Arriving a half hour before the party began, helping with dinner, making sure you didn't stand for so long to rest your sore feet.

She was the apple of Kate’s eye, their relationship making you smile delightfully each chance you could.

“So, what’re you gonna do about the job?” Soap couldn't help but ask Simon, a question lingering in the air like a shadow.

Despite Simon never once minding the fact that he stayed home for you, there was the inevitable possibility that he’d have to go back to work, which meant he’d be far out of his family’s reach.

He hated it, the thought alone shooting a sour taste over his tongue. He couldn't avoid the topic forever, but it was a discussion he’d need to have with you. It wouldn't be a pretty one, but he had to have it at some point.

“Don’t quite know yet, Johnny.” He replied, glancing back over towards his wife before looking towards the Sergeant. “An’ I’d appreciate it if its not brought up again.”

“No no,” Soap held up a hand in calm defense, “I get it. Honest, wouldn't blame ya if you stayed. Doubt she’d let yer ass through the door.”

Simon huffed, slightly joining in on the man’s chuckle. That’s a level of unbridled new mother rage he’s hoping he’d never get to see.

“Are these it?” Gaz called your attention from the kitchen, holding the tray of cupcakes you kept in the freezer.

“Yep! It is.” You cheerfully replied, getting Kate to gather the men towards the dining room, either filling up the limited chairs or standing around. Simon was adamant on giving you a seat to rest in, but after some quick, hushed words, you convinced him to sit down, remaining by his side once the cupcakes were passed out with little napkins.

“So, what’s the game here?” Alejandro questioned, taking the cupcake once you offered it before passing it along to someone else.

“The game is we each take a bite and tally up the color we get. Odd color wins, gentleman. Place your bets now.” Kate announces, hearing Gaz huff while peering towards the Scotsman, muttering a few hushed words.

“Ah ah ah! Not literally, you idiot!” You quickly speak out, going against Soap, who purposely leaned back against his seat to pull out his wallet.

He snickered, purposefully acting the way he did to simply get a rise out of you, finding every chance he could incredibly amusing.

“No bets at my baby shower, John.” You ordered, watching him raise his hands in playful submission.

The man himself wore a dark blue shirt. As blue as the Scottish flag, he had stated after giving you a hug when he arrived. Despite the idea of a boy, he did mention a girl would be just as, if not, even more delightful a thought.

He could see any child the both of you had absolutely loved to death regardless, not only by its parents, but by everyone else who came to show their support.

The man himself offered to begin this little game, the suspense forcing him to chuckle as he bit into the cupcake, causing cold buttercream to smear the tip of his nose.

His eyes significantly widened the second he looked down, quickly turning around for the others to view the small pocket of pink hidden underneath the dome of piped frosting.

A small chorus of laughter and cheers erupted from the table, watching the man gather himself as he set the cupcake down, licking the frosting from his lips.

Gaz was next, helping himself to the cupcake in front of him. He took a more interesting approach, proceeding to bite into the frosting rather than the cake, revealing the purposefully pastel blue dyed frosting, casting a smile upon the man’s face as the color matched the light blue button up he wore.

“Alright! We got a boy!” He announced, chuckling along with a few others before he set it down.

“Unless you’re jestin’ us and hinting that yer havin’ twins.” Soap added in while licking his thumb of frosting after enjoying another bite.

The strain and hesitant laughter that came from you was forced, feeling your hand give Simon’s a decently firm squeeze, quietly reveling in the secret blessing that it wasn’t. It was interesting enough learning from just one, you wouldn't know what you would’ve felt with the possibility of twins.

Up next was Rodolfo, who had worn a white long sleeve, but that didn’t stop him from scoring a dark blue bracelet he had lifted up in defense to failing the dress code, something you didn’t hold against him. He held up his cupcake, presenting it like a trophy to reveal the pocket of blue underneath, cheering with the others.

“Oye, you should sell these. Open up a little bakery,” He proposed before taking another bite, watching you smile and giggle. It was good to see your love for baked goods get appreciated by others. It definitely saved money from buying them elsewhere.

Your altered taste buds despised the store-bought stuff anyway.

Alejandro wore a light pink button up with rolled up sleeves, biting into his cupcake once his turn came around. His eyes widened at the blue frosting, faking a pitiful look of sadness before chuckling it off in amusement.

“Really pushing it on a boy so far!” He chuckled, shortly agreeing with Rodolfo’s comment on how tasty the cupcake was. All it was missing was a hot cup of coffee and he was set.

Kate’s wife wore a pastel pink sweater vest over a white shirt, biting into a pink cupcake to her absolute delight, almost tearing up herself over the welcomed match. Kate herself had gotten a blue cupcake, matching coincidentally well with her blue scarf resting around her neck.

“In our defense,” Kate’s wife states while clutching her beloved’s hand, “We’ll love who they are regardless!”

“They’ll be getting spoiled either way,” Kate added in, chuckling along with the flat-out truth.

Price wore a cerulean shirt, but gladly accepted your request to pin a pink little bow on the far right of his shirt collar.

By now, as the buttercream came to room temperature, a bit of pink tinted frosting clung to his mustache after his bite, but chuckling to the realization of this little mishap didn't bother him in the slightest.

“Well, look at that!” He chuckled as you quickly handed him a few extra napkins. “I’m on the same boat, they’re gettin’ absolutely spoiled by all their aunts and uncles.”

“Sure thing, Gramps.” Gaz pitched, purposely avoiding the captain’s gaze, hiding his smile in his own hand.

“That’s a name they’ll be calling you in about a year or two,” You pitched in, smiling at the smirk that inevitably spread across the captain’s face after the comment.

“Your turn, dear.” Price gestured to you, leaving you to nod along with excitement, despite already knowing the truth.

As basic as it was, you’ve never held so much disdain for this simple vanilla cupcake, this painfully bland dessert, especially when it came to the multiple test cupcakes you’ve made prior.

The toughest challenge was making the buttercream thick and pearly white, hiding the color underneath perfectly.

You’d be more than happy to make any other cupcake rather than this tragically boring mess, leading you to simply tear open the cake in your hands without tasting it, revealing to the crowd the flush of pink underneath vanilla sponge and frosting.

The tally was set.

An even number of four on four so far, all that was left was the final cupcake to break the tie, the final cupcake that sat in front of Simon.

Simon wore dark gray, insisting that it didn’t matter to him what gender the baby was, he’d love them regardless, just as everyone else. He didn’t want to think ahead and assume too fast, too nervous at the high expectations, keeping all those thoughts bottled up until he learned the truth.

He didn't realize just until now how much pressure was placed on his shoulders, being the last man at the table, a plethora of pink and blue cupcakes flooding his eyes, down to the simple, plain cupcake in front of him.

Sweet frosting coated his taste buds once he took a bite, the room dreadfully quiet after this action.

The suspense grew thicker and thicker, all eyes on him as his wife’s hand settled on his right shoulder, giving him a reassuring squeeze, soothing his heartbeat drumming in his ears.

Licking his lip, he glanced down at the cake in hand, unable to wait any longer.

Right there, in the center of the swirl of thick, smooth buttercream, topped with round pink and blue sprinkles was a soft, flush pastel pink pocket of icing.

Never in his life had he been so delighted to see such a color.

You watched Simon’s eyes light up, almost wider than saucers at the discovery. You stared at him with your hands over your mouth, a bright smile hidden underneath your fingers, your eyes flushed pink with hot tears.

“It’s a girl!” You quickly state towards the others before he could turn it around, watching multiple eyes light up, followed by large amounts of cheers and applause, those who sat rising from their seats instantly.

Simon had risen so fast from his seat, almost causing the furniture to tumble over as he secured you tightly in his arms, feeling your tears of joy dampen his shirt sleeve. His head buried deep into your neck, his light scruff prickling your skin as he purposefully hid his face from everyone who cheered in congratulations.

With your growing belly, Simon found holding you close to be a more endearing action as the days went by. Before the both of you knew it, your little girl would be squeezing between the two of you, urging to join in on such a hug, simply for the surge of attention from her parents.

Your fingers clung to his shirt, your ragged breathing muffled against his shoulder. Beneath the excitement, he heard you mutter to him how much you loved him dearly, repeating these words over and over. In response, he urged you to shift your head just enough so he could take you in a long, heartfelt kiss, before returning to you the same hushed words against your lips.

How you loved each other so. Simon never wanted to be away from you, the thought growing now more than ever.

He remained facing away from the crowd after you were let go, your attention immediately taken aside by Kate’s wife, who trapped you in a tight hug.

“Ya alright?” Soap approached Simon, seeing his refrained stance from the crowd, refusing everyone else to see him this way, teary eyed and emotional, all while keeping quiet.

Simon nodded, sparing yet another glance over towards his wife, smiling as wide as possible, bright tears beading the edges of your eyes, staining your beautifully flushed cheeks as Price took you in a hug, soothing your happy sobs with a comforting rub of your back.

This was better than you had ever hoped for, A wonderful make up for being unable to surprise him the first time.

A girl, a beautiful baby girl.

His future addition to the chamber of his heart, the apple blossom of his eye, his hopeful little dove soaring across an endless sky.

A daughter with the woman he loved most in this world.

For a moment, and just for a moment, he refused to let any dark thought in his mind ruin this happiness that flooded his bones and warmed his haunted spirit, lighting up the darkness like a small pink birthday candle.

He could hardly wait now.

#simon ghost riley #ghost x reader #simon riley x reader #simon ghost x reader #simon riley #call of duty modern warfare #call of duty #pregnancy #it’s cute stuff yk

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hwnglx · 4 months ago

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enhypen's thoughts on marriage

based on tarot. i do not know these idols personally. energies are always changing. what i say is NOT straight fact. pls take it with a grain of salt!

heeseung

he had so much to say, like wow he's passionate about it. he loves the idea of it, sees it in his life path. he thinks marriage is something he's meant to do. he'll feel unfulfilled emotionally, if he doesn't get to find that one special person in his life who'll make everything brighter, happier and more beautiful. it'll be a very new, but enriching chapter for him. there is though, this huge awareness of “i need to do better.” he doesn't think he has the means to nurture a happy marriage at all, and he's also aware that he hasn't found the person of his dreams yet. he has very high standards, so it might take him a while to actually find his person. he knows it's far away, yet it's definitely something set in his future plans.

jay

so i shuffled for like a second, and the nine of cups flew in my face immediately, lmao. marriage is something jay dreams about, it's something he aspires to accomplish. he literally sees it as an accomplishment, because him getting married would mean he finally turned into the man he wants to be. financially stable, wealthy in many regards, whether that's health-wise, money-wise, mindset-wise, soul-wise. he wants to be the best man he can be for his future spouse. he wants to make their dreams come true, make them feel like they're lucky to be with him. i can also see him wanting to acquire a lot of wisdom, so he can give his children very good advice. (he's thought about this a lot for sure) so, he seems to have this habit of seeing marriage as his “end goal”. he doesn't take it lightly, and knows the sense of responsibility that comes with such a huge commitment.

jake

phew.. so, not much came out for him, but two very powerful cards. i can sense jake feeling like marriage is something he won't be able to avoid in his life, he believes he'll have to get there one day. he is so much more self-aware than some people think, so he knows about his downfalls and inner problems that'd prevent him from entering so heavy of a commitment. he knows how big of a deal marriage is, so he's aware that if he wants to make that powerful of a decision, he won't be able to run away and escape from his problems anymore. he has to face his demons. he literally has to man up, and he's kinda scared of that. he doesn't wanna marry someone and make them become victim of his toxic habits. he just thinks he's way too immature, and wouldn't be able to provide his future spouse what they deserve yet.

sunghoon

sunghoon has such slow energy in his love life. he wants to marry someone no doubt about it, but he wants to make sure he approaches marriage with a very mindful and steady attitude. meaning, he doesn't wanna rush into it at all. he wants to make sure he marries the perfect person, and also is the perfect person for them. he wants to be a mature, dependable, reliable, responsible and financially stable man for his future spouse, and believes he still has a long way to go. he wants to be the leader and the provider of the family.

sunoo

so sunoo, seems a little unsure. he likes the thought of marriage, he enjoys the idea of it, but something about it makes him insecure. i think he fears the burden that'd come with having a spouse, someone he'd be tied to in such a drastic manner. sunoo is more interested in having fun, light and enjoyable relationships rather than heavy and weighty commitments. i wouldn't be surprised if he's like “i'm just not the type for that” however, he seems so spontaneous and very young still, i can see his thoughts on it changing all the time, based on how he sees it. a few months later he could be like “oh actually the thought of having a fiancé/e would be kinda nice right now, i like that 🤭” he's just unpredictable lmao.

jungwon

jungwon is so different when it comes to romantic relationships, and i think he's aware of that. he's much more fast-paced, impulsive and fiery in love, and he feels like that can be his downfall sometimes. he thinks he might turn people off by how straightforward and brash he can be at times. there's this fear i can feel in him, like “what if i mess the marriage up?” he feels bad, because he knows he can have high standards and be much to deal with. i can see him nagging a lot, being kinda negative and having this self possessed attitude in love, he fears they wouldn't be happy with him. he believes he'd need to work on himself and calm down, if he wants to make a commitment such as marriage.

niki

niki has thought about it before, i can see him imagining it, but it's a very far away thought. he's obviously incredibly young so this isn't surprising, i can tell he sees himself only getting married when he's way more mature and grown up. like in his 40's. he thinks it's a very "traditional" decision, a way of life that's expected from people, and he thinks it'll take a good while for him to come to terms with settling down. he still has a lot of things he wants to explore by himself, he's very individualistic. so the idea of tying yourself to a person and sharing everything with them, them being dependent on him to an extent, can make him uncomfortable. he doesn't think his personality suits the life of a husband. but again, this is open to change as it'd surprise me to see him consider marriage at age eighteen.

#kpop tarot #enhypen tarot #jay's energy is so cute i can't lie #he was so excited about me asking this lmao

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toothlespoggers · 1 month ago

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I got silly and infodumped again…

The fact that crystalised despite being the worst ninjago season by far- showed that for a long time now, possibly since season 11 has had his emotions turned off. Is crazy to me. Because I know Cole had a pretty okay moment with Zane about it and he ended up turning it back on in the same season or maybe even same episode I can’t fully recall. But I don’t know how mentally fucked these characters are or what- but I feel like no one stopped to think about that for enough time. Like Cole, he’s a very caring, affectionate, empathetic guy. Yet even he didn’t really seem to register the implications this had for Zane’s mental health. Zane is filled with so much emotional turmoil that he physically couldn’t bear to feel anymore. And this group of traumatised young adults were like- “oh haha Zane, that’s so quirky, that’s so silly of you, haha relatable anyway-“ Like duuuude I don’t know if this is the writers wanting to avoid actually discussing mental health in a “children’s” show or if these characters have had such little emotional awareness and support through their lives, almost dying everyday since they were teenagers that they are so desensitised to the horrors tm that they literally cannot tell when someone is basically holding a sign over their head saying “I NEED SERIOUS HELP.”

That kinda says a lot about Sensei wu, doesn’t it? I mean he’s great we Stan- but he did kinda adopt a bunch of struggling teenagers and burden them with saving the world and then allowed them to put themselves in harms way for years, without ever sitting them down and asking them if they were okay, emotionally? Like I don’t know if this happened and I didn’t see it or if it was implied to happen off screen but I really doubt wu was any sort of a support system for these guys that treated him like a father figure.

Maybe it’s because this cycle of pain goes back to wu as well, because he’s not the most stable person in the world either, but idk it feels crazy to me that these people that were basically family. Just- never checked in on eachothers well being or looked out for each others mental issues.

I mean they never really got a break and when they did- hell the only reason season 11 happened was because wu, so obsessed with the ninja being in tip top condition urged them to do something, which led these idiots to unleashing Aspheera and then ended up with probably the worst fate you could wish upon a Lego, for Zane. Seriously the fact they turned the ice emperor thing into a joke is so tone deaf to me like if this happened to your friend. In real life, (just suspend disbelief for a second) you would be absolutely GUTTED. You’d probably feel SO BAD. And that person? Probably can’t function like a normal individual anymore. Probably needs serious therapy. Not a joke.

I don’t hate wu, I never did. But I just think he’s been very irresponsible with the way he’s handled his students and while he’s wise in some aspects 70% of problems in the show could’ve been avoided if this old man valued communication.

And if this isn’t based on the characters flaws. And it’s Lego refusing to discuss mental illness and mental health. COME ON LEGO IT WOULD EDUCATE YOUR YOUNG AUDIENCE ON PTSD, ANXIETY AND HOW TO HEALTHILY DEAL WITH YOUR PROBLEMS. Because right now, if you wanna deal with issues the ninja way, YOU BURY THEM AND TAKE THEM TO THE GRAVE AND YOU NEVER COMPLAIN OR REST.

All I want is at least one episode where it’s not all about the current bad guy or plot and it’s just about the ninja actually confiding in one another and trying to help their friends out. Maybe Zane or Lloyd finally snap and have a full mental breakdown and the only way to deal with it is for them to actually talk about it and work it out. I’m sure you can make a compelling episode with that in mind. They’ve tried to address mental health in the show with Lloyds anxiety arc thing in DR they need to do better.

We need a scene in DR where Zane and Frohicky are at the monastery while the other ninja are doing stuff, (maybe I’ll work out the details more and write something on this) and something happens where all the pain and trauma and just, awfulness just builds up in Zane’s mind and he just. Has a moment where he cracks. And he stops working on whatever he’s working on. And Frohicky notices the shift in the air and suddenly his entire demeanour changes and he comes over concerned and Zane is standing there or kneeling and Frohicky puts his hand on his shoulder and asks. “Are you okay?” And Zane just doesn’t know how to respond. He tries to shake everything off but he can’t, he’s never been asked that before. And Frohicky starts babbling on trying to help him and offers to get him set up so he can rest, and Zane doesn’t have the strength to object or the will to say anything and he’s just like.

“I.. don’t know.” In a final response to the previous question.

And it’s just a scene where Zane accepts Frohickys gesture of kindness. And while not everything is fixed obviously. You can slowly see the tension leaving him.

Because it matters if someone asks you if you’re okay. It reaches into the darkest place and offers a hand saying “I’ll listen.” And that could genuinely change someone’s life.

#ninjago zane #zane ninjago #zane julien #lego ninjago #ninjago #ninjago dragons rising #dragons rising ninjago #Reposting this after deleting the last time I tried to post this because I posted it on the wrong day lol #just my unorganised thoughts #I actually decided to start writing that scene I described so when that’s finished I’ll post it #As always feel free to reblog or comment with your opinion/take on the conversation!#ofc no hate tho I do this out of immense love for the series #unless you wanna hate Misako

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nightcolorz · 6 months ago

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Hello!

Please, speak more about traumatic age regression in Armand and Lestat- I would LOVE to hear other peoples thoughts on this, because its a theory/interpretation I've also been batting around

thank u for the ask omg!! I would love to talk about this!

In the books especially Armand and lestat show like, text book age regression haha. They both are shown to be below the standard of functionality for both their mortal and their immortal ages, and both struggle with emotional regulation in a way that is explicitly childlike.

Btw for clarities sake, when I say traumatic age regression btw I’m referring to age regression that is triggered involuntarily as a trauma response, when a person will slip into a childlike mindset or behavior due to how their brain functions after trauma. I’m not referring to age regression as an intentional coping mechanism to deal with trauma (though i do think both these characters would benefit from this and I would like to see it explored, I’m just making the case that the former occurs in canon haha)

Starting with Armand, he is often described as having been stunted in growth in a way which causes him to be unable to behave or function as an adult, since he was turned into a vampire as a teenager. This is such a huge deal with him, to the point where Marius literally tells people Armand should have never been a vampire because of how “damaged” he is. This conceptually is like inherently age regression lol, he’s an emotionally stunted 500 yr old vampire who behaves like a child because his brain got messed up. But this isn’t really the case at all with other child vampire characters. Claudia is not the most stable adult, but she’s certainly not immature or childlike in her behavior the way Armand is. While Armand is unable to live independently for the majority of the book series because he panics and short circuits when he is put in a position where he needs to be self reliant, Claudia only needs to have a caregiver because she will be restricted from entering certain spaces and will have trouble navigating the world without an adult since she appears as a five year old.

And characters like Benji are completely stable and functional as adults, and their minds are unaffected by being stuck in the bodies of children. It seems to me that Armand’s stunted growth has more to do with the trauma he’s experienced than the age he was turned (tho it is likely a factor). Armand has a very intense case of identity fracturing during his crucial development, so he can’t remember most of his life and formative memories, and mental health problems like these often cause age regression to come up. Armand was prevented from ever going through the crucial developmental stages a child needs to become a stable adult bcus of the trauma he was out through, so it makes sense that as an adult he still behaves and thinks like a child.

A lot of times adults who experienced intense childhood trauma are forced to be very mature as children to protect themselves, and when they are adults and are no longer in danger the childishness they repressed in childhood presents itself in adulthood, and the adult tries to learn and explore what they lost out on in childhood. I think Armand is experiencing a form of this, which is a form of age regression. An example of this would be how in queen of the damned Armand acts very childish, because as he describes it, he’s “learning about the modern world”, and he’s rediscovering his childhood curiosity bcus he never was able to truly learn about the world and learn how to live as an adult in it during his formative years. The devils minion chapter is very age regressy to me, I mean the whole thing is about Armand experiencing new things and sensory experiences and and trying to learn life lessons from Daniel because he’s never had that before. Daniel gets to see Armand’s mask unveil and discovers that he has a boyish laugh and he likes dumb comedy movies, and blenders, and he has a childlike wonder and desire to explore. (Cough cough age regression). Daniel is able to bring out Armand’s age regression in a positive way by nurturing his inner child in a way no one has before. So Armand definitely I feel like age regresses when he’s happy and letting himself indulge in things that heal a part of his inner child (particularly around someone he trusts, Daniel) but he also definitely age regresses when his trauma is triggered (oof)

Armand goes through mood swings and drastic changes in behavior pretty often. He is usually very good at appearing put together and mature, he speaks very calmly and rationally, he’s socially skilled and charming. But Armand has moments that happen when he is very upset usually, where his mask breaks and he suddenly begins acting like a child, crying and screaming, breaking things, throwing tantrums, stuff like that. It seems like Armand age regresses when he’s in some way triggered or experiencing very strong emotions. I think that his most evil, insane moments r often influenced by age regression. For example, Armand’s behavior in the vampire Lestat comes off as age regression to me. Lestat’s appearance in Armand’s life uproots his sense of security and sense of purpose (and reminds him of his maker), so Armand begins throwing violent tantrums and destroying all of his things and going to nicki’s house and throwing a fit and making his house a mess. Armand has no calculated idea of revenge against lestat for a perceived wrong, he just feels helpless and starts acting out in childlike ways (age regression). It’s even little things. When Armand begins revealing his past to Lestat he holds his arms and appears helpless and lost. When Armand is his most helpless his instinct is to curl into himself in defeat. He almost forgets how powerful he is and reverts to helpless frightened child.

The age regression angle definitely applies to show Armand too. Show Armand wasn’t even turned as a child, so all of his regressive behavior is rooted in regression exclusively. I get the impression that amc Armand, because of his isolated upbringing where he was raised to be obedient and reliant before he was raised to be a person, causes him to age regress since he was never raised to be an indecent adult. Amc Armand age regresses most often by perceiving himself as much more helpless and constantly victimized than he is, and acting accordingly. He’s like a big dog that thinks it’s a puppy so it sits on its owner lap and crushes their bones 😭. I could elaborate on amc Armand age regressing for sure, but I don’t want to make this post all Armand lmaooo. A post for another day

NOW LESTAT LOL! Lestat absolutely age regresses in the books, in a similar way to Armand where it is almost explicitly acknowledged lmao. The biggest example I think of when I think of lestat age regressing is a small scene in the vampire Lestat, where after almost getting himself killed when he plays the violin for akasha, Marius saves lestat and berates him for being stupid, and instead of taking on his usual defensive cockiness Lestat breaks down in hysterical tears and begs Marius to forgive him. It’s incredibly childish in a way that’s kind of heartbreaking, he’s saying stuff like “i didn’t mean to, please don’t be mad”, and it’s such an abused child reaction. Lestat most often age regresses when he is in the presence of someone he perceives as a mentor/parental figure. Lestat was turned young, not as young as Armand but young enough to not be entirely mature or self sufficient. And lestat was pretty seriously abused and neglected, and combined with how young he is he has a complex around older people where he sort of clings on to somebody to be his parental figure and reverts into a childlike mindset in their presence. Like Marius, lol (this also happens with David talbot). This is also definitely due to Lestats maker trauma, where he as a person with already bad abandonment issues, was very seriously abandoned and in the process seriously abused, and so part of Lestat always holds onto the trauma of loosing his maker and is always looking for someone to fulfill that mentor role for him that he was deprived of.

As a child Lestat was neglected so bad that he never had his bad behavior “corrected”, bcus none of the adults in his life cared to teach him how to be a good person. He was only ever beaten for the satisfaction of his abusers, he was never corrected or punished for his sake. This is why lestat often does reckless, stupid things purposefully, bcus he is looking for someone to tell him off. He wants someone to care about him enough to try and teach him how to be good. So, Lestat age regresses by acting out like a kid and doing things he hopes will get him scolded at 😭. Which earns him the brat Prince nickname from Marius, which is just so age regressy it’s insane.

The way Lestat expresses his hysterical emotions def comes off as age regression to me sometimes, specially when he hysterically cries and laughs. Louis describes Lestat in iwtv as immature and stupid, and I think the reason Lestat often behaves this way around Louis is because Louis’s emotional callousness reminds him of his mother, and triggers his age regression reaction where he acts out to get attention.

what I love so much about Armand and lestats dynamic is that they have sooo many of their major issues in common. Lestat and Armand hate each other, but they also love each other bcus in a way they r the only people who understand each other. Ughhhh they r so good.

thank u SM for the ask I love talking about this!!!! I hope I’m making sense here I feel like I didn’t do my thoughts justice cuz I’m recovering from a massive migraine rn 😭

#armand #tvc #the vampire chronicles #vampire chronicles #iwtv #interview with the vampire #lestat de lioncourt #the vampire armand #The vampire Lestat #amc iwtv #iwtv amc

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alyjojo · 1 month ago

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PAC - A Dream is a Wish ✨

Pile 1: Orange 🧡

MERCURY - ARIES - 11TH HOUSE

- Communicate your willpower for humanity’s sake.

- Analyze what you think you know about your hopes and wishes.

- Let your mind tell you how to do it your own way, and do it for the future.

You’re dealing with someone at work that you think is a moron, or a snake, and feel that you could probably do a much better job. You have suggestions and ways that your career could improve, if only someone would listen to you. Or rather, if you had the courage to speak up - that’s the strongest story I’m getting. Shyness 🙈 combined with a lack of power, because what you really want is power. Aries energy 💪 You want to be King of Pentacles, The Emperor, the one running this shit - no one else can do it as good as you can. Ideally.

Withdrawn, The Moon & Fear show major insecurities keeping you from speaking your mind and leading like you want to. You’re afraid of confrontation, or making people upset with you. You could lack confidence or feel like others don’t believe in you…it’s more that you’re solitary and don’t include yourself. Strength at the bottom shows this as a difficult personal challenge for you, you could have a squared/conflicted Mercury that makes it difficult for you to just say the thing you want to say. I’m seeing fire that craves earth💰- money, responsibility, earned success; and I’m seeing earth that craves fire 🔥- confidence, self-appointed leadership, influence, recognition. Or both, you could have those in your chart.

Regardless of who is in charge, currently you’re off to the side and want to do things YOUR way. Your way is better than the group, and you desire to pioneer major change in the group collective of whatever it is you’re doing. Work, a friend group, politics, the whole world, social media or online groups - 11th House. But you want recognition and success, not opposition, and there could be a Snake 🐍 around you that inspires this in the first place…so you worry about them. How can you do what you want peacefully? And get support?

You want to be the boss, but not an asshole. Everything you’re feeling inside shows the level of strength and character you possess, and you seem to be coming from the right place - in that you’re thinking of the whole group when you’re thinking of these “improvements,” but Spirit is showing you as not knowing the whole story - and going off of that, not truth. Like you’re a worker in the break room gossiping with the others, none of which are actually making decisions - and don’t know budgets, approval, who said what in meetings and what’s been decided, etc. That’s the issue, you want a seat at that table, the bigger one that has the power to make real decisions.

You are an intellectual/practical rebel, with good reason, and inside you have more than enough confidence to pull off anything you want…it’s just gathering the confidence to do it out loud. If you want the reading to tell you whether you’ll fail or not, I don’t see failure, just fear. Strength shows it won’t be easy; Temperance shows you’ll have to be patient and it will take time - but that’s not failure 🧡 In the Spirit of Aries energy…just do it ☑️ Speak up 📢

————

Pile 2: Purple 💜

MARS - CANCER - 5TH HOUSE

- The drive for intuition to protect the power of love.

- The confronting of attitudes from the past about investment gambles and other games.

- Action resulting from the history of your creations.

More than anything, this pile wants children, and the kind of nurturing, emotionally stable and mature soulmate that’s ready & willing to be that partner for them. Some of you already have kids and are starting over completely, some don’t and feel like the clock is ticking. All of you probably have a sad story: divorce, a bad break-up, breadcrumbing that went nowhere, or just not meeting someone on your level yet.

On the other side of the coin, this is the pile for the players that like messing around with several different people - but you say you want a soulmate, tsk tsk. Either the soulmate is the one procrastinating - and it’s driving you crazy, or you’re the reason one hasn’t come in. Like Spirit is gonna hand you the right one with all the games and bs, no. Once that is done, then. Or you’ve already met them and have procrastinated going deeper…it’s time. Cut off the extra baggage - if that’s you you’ll know it. If it’s not, you could be dating someone like this, or have, and you’re tired of non-committal people that don’t take love seriously. You want the whole thing, where is your person?

The reading is showing the need to heal from whatever the last person did or didn’t do that hurt you, made you feel like you’re not enough or don’t deserve what you want - you do 💯 I’m also seeing random things. Birds, bees, obviously. Sex. 5th House. If you are beyond childbearing age/possibility and crave children, I’m seeing animals, like…garden animals. Bees. Birds. Literally. A beekeeper? If you feel like you *can’t* be a parent, or something like that, someone took your chances or it just didn’t happen - Spirit is saying change the way you see parenting. Male/female. Maybe you’re meant to parent the baby birds that come back every year, or you start gardening to help save the bees.

Something like that. The Empress is pregnant sure, and someone may be, but she’s an earth mother too 🌸 Spirit will send you all of the signs or animals you would need to see it - for whoever that’s for. I’m hearing “they already have.” 🩷 Everyone else, it’s necessary to commit to each attempt before moving on to the next…you may have missed a gem or underestimated someone/something, said goodbye too soon. If so it’s newer or never really got off the ground, I’m seeing a too-fast judgment, that could be part of it. No one is going to walk in the door like HELLO SOULMATE I’M HERE TO MAKE BABIES. If they did, would you run or…? Probably should 🙃

Pile 3: Red ❤️

URANUS - LIBRA - 3RD HOUSE

- Stir up the situation by using relationships, by making the right connections.

- Be open to new ideas about the beauty of the idea in question.

- Invent a way to do it with your partner/s and get your ideas going.

I’m getting a few different stories for this one, none of them are alike whatsoever 😆

1: You’re in love with a friend, a neighbor, someone you’ve known all your life, a friend of a friend or the friend of a person you know even and there’s some weirdness with asking them out. Like the guy across the street your sister liked two years ago but doesn’t anymore and you do but you don’t want to make her mad. That was a mouthful. You could chatter away very quickly, like a chipmunk 🐿️ People could have a hard time keeping up with you. The answer is - as long as it’s healthy. There’s some ick energy here in someone where healthy isn’t what they’re going for - and I’m being told to ignore that & them. That person needs to go within and question their motives. No, you shouldn’t fk your therapist 🙃 But do you idc, as long as it’s healthy 😆 I’m also seeing a poly kind of relationship, again if it’s healthy & consensual, do whatever you want. Nothing here is saying “no.”

2: SEX. You want it to hit you like a lightning bolt, someone extremely attentive that fascinates you with how they speak, the way they move, how they look, everything. Obsessed 🤩 You could know them or just want to know them, maybe they don’t even exist and you’re dreaming them up. Spirit is saying you have to talk to them first. There’s no “no” here. Go Deeper, show interest, ask. You never know. Could be a neighbor specifically, someone you know through a friend or a sibling. Why not? If it’s legal 💯

3: You want to make real changes in some 3rd House area of your life. Justice changes, maybe legal ones, could be regarding your own home or neighborhood. The local school. Crime in your neighborhood. Some of you could be involved in law or the desire is to be taken seriously, as an intellectual equal that’s respected and heard - with action being taken. You speak and make it happen, that’s what you want, and again as with the other piles, I’m just seeing that you haven’t spoken up. Everything in this pile has the same answer, if you want it go get it - at least try. People came for a yes/no answer and there isn’t a no, YES. Keep it legal, balanced & healthy and that’s all that matters - most of you can be the ones to make the waves and make it happen, though you’re probably wanting it to happen TO you. That’s the only difference I see, it’s on you.

4: You’re creepy. I see you. Just one. Legal & consensual and do what you want, like the others.

Pile 4: Blue 💙

MOON - SAGITTARIUS - 2ND HOUSE

- The nurturing of insights to understand your beliefs.

- Feelings caused by the wisdom of what you value.

- Reactions resulting from the understanding of your resources.

This pile has an outcome many people can’t attain, that’s why it’s your deepest dream. It’s probably the most popular pile that I’m feeling so far. This is the pile of things you wish would’ve happened, things you wish you would’ve done if only you’d known xyz - past tense - and you know that now because of life experience - Sagittarius. Present tense.

You wish you’d never have moved homes, states, or countries. Or you wish you knew what it had been like if you hadn’t. Would you still have the dog and the window seat in your bedroom? Would this terrible thing never have happened if you did? Would you still be married? Would they have chosen differently? Or the opposite, you wish you left sooner. Why didn’t you take that year off of school and just go explore Japan? Now you never will (in your mind), because you’ll never have the same opportunity. Maybe you could’ve prevented some shocking experience…this is a pile that needs nurturing the most, and healing of the heart.

Wanting your ex back is the strongest energy here. What would it have been like if I had this - with them? Or they have what they have - but with me? Or family in general, especially a mother figure. Or kids. You crave stability, your tribe, your blood - but it’s shown in a way of being the past. Some of you may have had really hard childhoods and you dream of the day when everything calms down and you can do things differently. When YOU have a house you won’t do whatever someone else did. When YOU have a daughter, you’ll treat her like a princess. There’s a lot of pain here from many different directions. The numbers go from 7, 8, to 10. Putting in the work, having done your part (or someone else did) and then there’s a sudden ending - some quite tragic, others a missed opportunity or something came up, or it wasn’t you at all but someone else.

Without pain and regret, career choices could be involved too, anything that would’ve made more money than you’re making now. Why didn’t you study law instead of psychology? Why didn’t you choose this house instead of that one? Why didn’t you invest in Amazon when you had the chance? It’s the pile of regrets and inner conflict. That’s not to say you can’t get some of these things (back) if you really wanted to. Most of you have to move forward and recreate your dreams in a new way. And this time, you’ll stay. Or go. Or do it right. Or not. Whatever you want that you didn’t do before.

Some want a family member back that’s passed on, especially a mom or grandmother. Some wish they had one in the first place, or a better one. There’s only one piece of advice here…make new memories. It’s all you can do. Spirit sees you, I see you, and I’m crying in this one, idk who can’t relate to this 🙏 Sending you guys a lot of love for all of your future memories - let these feelings inspire future decisions and I hope that someday your wounds are healed by something that makes it all feel…like there was a deeper purpose for you, somewhere else you were meant to go. A reason, right? That’s all we really want. Make it make sense, and I hope it does someday 💙 There’s no reason you can’t try to recreate what you once had - it’s the closest thing.

Pile 5: Green 💚

SATURN - LIBRA - 2ND HOUSE

- Be realistic about relationships, patiently.

- Be concerned about the beauty of what you want.

- You must wait before you can do it with your partner/s and get what you need.

This pile has been wounded in the area of finances and self worth, many due to some shitty partner that didn’t see it properly. But you blame yourself. If you were prettier, more fit, had more money, a bigger house, more friends, pick a thing - then you would be loved. You just want real love (any kind) and to be seen for what you have to offer another.

This is the pile for soft hearts 🥰 that aren’t seen or appreciated, fuck that. Literally everyone on this blog is looking for YOU. Everyone that watches tarot looking for answers and their person - it’s you they’re looking for, all of you. Someone kind, genuine, loving, nurturing, and wants to share that with another person and do life together.

Because this is Libra energy, I have an activity for pile 5’s only. Comment your pile, and add someone else that comments this pile…see how it goes. A new friend? New love maybe? I’m not even that kind of person fr - this one inspires me to instigate and matchmake, like Libra. It’s a beautiful gift to have, and one you’d love to share. Saturn is in its’ favorite energy in Libra, with fairness, Justice, balance, and all things moving along in perfect time & harmony. Getting along is always the goal for a Saturn Libra, no chaos or confrontations plz. And you probably tend to be a nurturer above all else - you want to feel appreciated for emotional gifts and values - not monetary.

Some of you are parents, single parents even. There’s a heavy under-appreciated feminine energy as well, as the majority. All of the women that give and give and never receive, because your mental health & sacrifices don’t come in the form of a paycheck. Or they do, but it’s smaller than you’d like or even need. If you’re male, then feminine energy coming from a male, you may work at home or feel “emasculated” because of…something. You’re in a more feminine field perhaps, like a dental assistant is the example I’m getting - and you’re taken advantage of by women specifically. Not 👏 appreciated 👏 This could definitely be male energy in a female situation, maybe you’ve dealt with a difficult woman and the world doesn’t sympathize with men the same as they do women. Gender equality in all forms are showing up in this pile - as it’s tied to self worth, your confidence, and receiving what you deserve, money, attention, love, etc. Based on “how you look?”

Libra energy shows balance to all things that are unfair, and your life (or job) could be unfair to you - they’re not paying you enough or treating you with the appreciation you deserve. Both, all of it. People too, family. Shitty lovers. Someone has a painful ex that pokes at their self worth or how much they make (or don’t, right, probably that.) Diet, nutrition, exercise, and all forms of beauty are involved here too. Wanting to change how you look, because it’s “not good enough” but it IS. If you picked this pile, the energy is lovely, YOU are lovely. There’s another pile where that’s not exclusively true lol, but in this one it’s true. You’re beautiful and perfect as is 💯

Obstacles are shown as your main issue (obviously..), and it’s due to heartbreak. You only feel lack because some douchebag made you feel lack in the first place. I’m seeing Adam & Eve, and the question of “who told you you’re naked?” That’s the message here, who told you you’re not good enough and what gave them the qualifications to do so? A degree in business? Do you have any idea how many managers have degrees in business and they’re a bunch of squawking birds that can’t even math? C’mon now. A scientist excels at science but maybe isn’t the most emotionally intelligent, because you can’t book-learn love. Pain. Trauma. Your paycheck can’t possibly reflect the amount of goodness inside of you - because here you’re a Queen of Cups. Soft, loving, nurturing, you care deeply for others. Could be a teacher, a parent, a nurse, raising these people 🍼

Rejection & Nourish with Queen of Cups wants you to take a smelly good bath, with wine and music, and learn to love yourself for all of the amazing qualities you do have that no one else does. You think everyone can be a Queen of Cups? They can, for a day. Not as a significator that’s describing who you are. That’s who you are every single day. All of you need some staycation time, giving back to yourself. Rub your feet, lotion your body, do hair treatments and skin treatments, put some love into you - and others will respond to that & you positively. You could experiment with hairstyles or beauty treatments. With Libra, to look good is to feel good, they’re intermingled. Clean house, smelling good, love this shirt, it builds all of the confidence necessary to take on the world when they’re feeling cute 😌 might delete later idk. Complimenting others as well, you could crave positive attention & recognition.

The tarot cards show you already know what to do and just need confirmation that it’s attainable or real. It is. Actualization & Patience show you getting what you want eventually. More money, more respect, more genuine love and appreciation, more attraction, all of it. But it first comes with loving yourself, teaching others to love you by setting the example. And don’t let others have the power to take that away. So they don’t like lavender. You do. I guess they better go sit over there then. For that example it’s like you can smile sweetly & confidently, and if others don’t like it THEY can move. Not you. Apply that to everything ❤️ First process your wounds emotionally, feel your feelings & why you feel this way…then do something fun about it. Play with your looks. Experiment. Work out. Eat kale. Drink wine. And finding others like you would work wonders for your self esteem…Saturn Libra needs friends. People. Even one person that supports you is worth all the weight in gold…maybe they like lavender and wine too 🍷

As for money, if that’s the whole issue, it’s being shown as “it’s coming be patient.” You’re right where you’re supposed to be. Ace of Swords can be like a sudden wake-up call or realization, if you’re wanting to make money from something else that’s not your job, like a creative venture, that’s being supported too. You already know what to do, your intuition has told you. All of you. This is confirmation. Some of you can and will transmute your pain or old wounds into money somehow - which is amazing. You didn’t have a real home as a kid, and now you sell homes for a living. Or you’ve always been made fun of for art, now you’re working for a tv station creating cartoons every day. It’s coming & you already know. Or you’ve been told forever and you’ve just ignored Spirit but they’re saying they’ve already told you, maybe in a dream, and have sent messages to you with The High Priestess rev. You may have ignored them or brushed them off. Ace of Swords could be whatever you’re thinking of when I say that, whatever you’ve been thinking of the whole reading, it’s like a light bulb💡and you can see it clearly now.

Pile 6: Black 🖤

JUPITER - CAPRICORN - 5TH HOUSE

- Learn or teach your goals with the trust of a child.

- Be positive about the day-to-day reality of fun, romance, and art.

- Grow and expand, use the most businesslike way and - do it dramatically.

I thought 4 was the most popular, and it’s now the other one, but I stand corrected. That’s the whole point for some of you - what’s coming is better than it was or what it currently is. Yes, you’ve been heard. Yes, you’ll win. Yes, you’ll get everything you’re working so hard for. No, it’s not all for nothing. No, you shouldn’t give up on what you’re doing right now, what you’ve been working towards - because you wouldn’t be on that path if you weren’t supposed to be. And you’d have picked something else, like 4. If you picked 4 first, this is the response to whatever you felt or were thinking of from that. Yes 🙌 You’re on the right track.

Heavy heavy Capricorn & earth energy here, in literal signs, plus the most beautiful Queen of Pentacles card I’ve ever seen, and Karma at the bottom of the oracles. This is The Literary Tarot and here she is a beautiful & successful goddess in a fancy gown with feathers, on some kind of throne, very regal - you’ve got this. Doesn’t have to be your sign, it’s your dream, or who you are whether you’ve accomplished this dream or not. But will you? Yessss.

Wedding Rings shows love or marriage, kids with 5th House, that whole dream. Yes! Coffee Cup shows good times with friends, feeling joyful, meeting good people. Yes! Capricorn with 5th shows wanting to create a job or financial opportunity from something you love, or loving what you do, my entrepreneurs here. Yes! Especially working with children, if that’s something you do it’s like Spirit is giving you a big hug, someone here works with kids in rough situations or that’s their goal - big yes! 👏

Queen of Pentacles, 2 Wands, 4 Swords. You’ve gone so far already, you’re now at another crossroads - many of you. Should you take the path of the heart - 5th House. Whatever that is for you specifically. Yes 👏 Is all your hard work paying off? Yes! Will your efforts turn into financial blessings? Yes! Capricorn is often a “no” kind of sign and this whole reading is “yes”. Do you believe it? You should, but you’re also in charge of making it happen. The Sun at the bottom shows whatever you clicked on this hoping to see, wondering if you’ve been heard or if it’s even known by Spirit what you want - yes! The only thing you shouldn’t do is quit, or give up.

The advice is to Push for more Insight before you Evolve. Learn about the things you want to do, feel more confident and prepared, do it with intention & knowledge, and watch it grow into something you love - 5th House. Some of you are getting back in touch with your inner child and will expand beyond your current circumstances, perspectives, and life generally - all positive things. The Sun is the happiest card in the whole deck; recognition, achievement, joy & happiness, light shining through any darkness/confusion/fear that existed before - all for the better ☀️ This whole pile is simply for Spirit to confirm what you already know - and it be deeply personalized despite being so general. Yes 👏 Transformation at the bottom, big changes, and every card is here positive & wholesome. If it hasn’t happened yet, it will eventually, just enjoy the ride.

#PAC #a dream is a wish ✨#November 2024 #timeless #pick a card #pick a pile #pick a picture #astrology #tarot #spirituality #just for fun #dreams #all signs #I do this it sits I forget and I pick from the picture #I can’t cheat when I have goldfish brain #I picked 4

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the-empress-7 · 8 months ago

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Catherine was how I kept my mental health stable through the pandemic and beyond.

Catherine is how I keep my fitness.

She's my age and build, more or less, so she makes for a good role model - she doesn't have to contend with my 9to5 desk job, but on the other hand I don't have three children, so I think it balances out, stress wise. And she's fit, she clearly makes time for herself, makes her own fitness a priority. I see her, and I'm reminded to be kind to myself, that I can take 60 minutes out of my day to go to the gym, for my own pleasure. That I can call my sister and book the tennis court for one hour of our weekend. That I can self actualize, without drama, just by focusing on my true priorities.

And I had cancer. And by all accounts I bounced back, thanks in no small part to that gentle but constant focus on keeping reasonably fit. Role models that inspire you to choose your better self are important, even as adults.

Catherine likely has no idea of the great positive impact she has had in the life of complete strangers, but I do hope our vibes of gratefulness and support reach her in these trying days.

I love this perspective so much, but I am sorry that you had to deal with cancer at one point. You sound like a very healthy person, and I don't just mean physically, I mean emotionally as well 🫶 Thank you for sharing.

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thewalrusespublicist · 9 days ago

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Had he lived, issues with his children? you think John would’ve had issues with Sean? Sean’s just as defensive of Yoko as Julian is of Cynthia perhaps something to that effect?

Hi Anon!,

I think he would have had profound difficulties with Sean, albeit different from those with Julian.

I know the house husband narrative is that John became a new man after Sean was born and was a devoted father and this is ... somewhat true. John did adore Sean and saw him as a new start and a new chance to get it right. But John was never the most patient father and struggled with the same issues he had with all his other relationships.

The first issue that we know would likely impact Sean's future relationship with him is that John wasn't consistently present with Sean nor consistently loving and rosy. He slipped a bit in one of his Double Fantasy video interviews where he says he spends most of his day in his room (if he's in his room, who is with Sean?). Then in another interview where he talks about his day he accidentally reveals that whilst he did the morning and evening routine with Sean, for most of the day Sean was with the nanny. That's mostly fine, kids can have good relationships with parents that are working or in John's case not with them all the time. The unfortunate thing is that the time he did spend with him was not stable and consistent. According to admittedly imperfect sources (Seaman and Rosen), John would do things like take a vow of silence and not speak to Sean for days. That's not a fair thing to do to a little kid. I have my suspicions as well for the motive of things like this as John talked about withdrawing his attention and affection from Sean as part of his pattern. How much were things like the vow of silence a subconscious way to get a reaction from Sean? In any case, withdrawing and withholding from a little kid and then acting like he's a wise prophet and the apple of your eye is emotionally very confusing. I can't see that not affecting things down the line.

Outside of emotional inconsistency, there's the physical violence. I've mentioned it before but John is confirmed to have screamed at Sean for not cutting up his steak properly so hard his eardrum bled. That's shockingly violent, how could you ever forget that? There's also a part in Dakota Days where John is alleged to have kicked baby Sean which if that's true that's... (to be clear I don't want to put something that horrific out there without the caveat that its only an allegation from a difficult source). But just on the steak thing, if John had lived I'm not sure without intervention that those incidents and outbursts wouldn't have continued to happen. Even if they were infrequent, those types of events are traumatic.

Then there's the other potential issues too long to list such as John potentially getting jealous and withdrawing, relying on people as saviours which he framed Sean as from the outset, John losing interest when being dad of the year didn't fulfill him, being cruel if he felt abandoned, he and Yoko potentially using Sean as a pawn in their mind games as they did with everyone else etc.

There's even a chance John would have turned Sean against Yoko. Yoko only really got involved with raising Sean(-ish) after John died. If John had lived they likely would have been a lot more distant which John might have exploited. If Sean and Yoko were close in this AU however, he may have had similar sentiments to those he was accused of having in the blackmail case where he ALLEGEDLY/CANNOT CONFIRM/ONLY A POSSIBILITY called John a 'wife beating asshole'.

At the end of the day the Dakota was a deeply unhealthy household and those are not prone to produce healthy parent-child dynamics. The issues John would have had with Sean are different to those with Julian, but potentially even more profound.

#sorry not so cheerful again #I wish that I could say it all could have been happy #but without support that wouldn't have been realistic #no one is immune from abuse in an abusive household #the abuse is just different #the beatles #submarine postbox #anon #ask #ask me anything #john & yoko #John #Sean

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greensaplinggrace · 1 year ago

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🔥 Aleksander's mommy issues and if that plays a role in his relationships

I will say until I die that aleksander's relationships with others are defined by his relationship with immortality and thus with his mother - who not only taught him everything about it, but who has also been the only consistent presence in his life for over four hundred years. this is the woman that developed an emotionally codependent and incestuous relationship with him as well as groomed him into the type of man she would wish to have a partnership with, which further defines the ways he views himself, the world, other people, and his connections to them.

all of this correlates to his many relationships, but especially his romantic one with alina. he mirrors his traumas with his mother and therefore with eternity in his dynamic with her. he is simultaneously the perpetrator and the victim. where he spent hundreds of years forgiving his mother for her abuse of him because the alternative is eternal loneliness, he expects of alina the same level of forgiveness for his actions based on that same latent despair - because he was taught at a fundamental age that a dichotomy exists in the universe, and the only way to find anything good at all - safety or happiness or connection - is to center all needs around the threat of inevitable punishment. not punishment in any physical sense, but punishment at a transcendental level.

the reason baghra did this was to groom him. the reason any parent does this (and it is especially prevalent with religion and cults) is to control their children and guide them toward the ideal path (which is always the path they themselves are on).

like most abusive relationships, baghra relies on cult tactics to develop a dynamic with her son that erodes all boundaries and erases any attempt at creating them further down the line - effectively taking ownership of his personhood and growth. she redefines his emotional associations to link them all to herself, and she even takes possession of his body in a variety of ways, until she has molded the perfect partner. one who shares all of her values and so will never leave her side - and who is entirely and completely isolated through both a lack of consistently stable connections and the lack of ability to create them.

baghra has always, after all, had her control threatened most by two things when it comes to her son: his idealism - which drives his moral compass away from her - and his desire for other connections. which means that to truly have him as a partner, she must take control of these narratives herself. so, she must destroy his ability to connect, and she must mold his morals to fit alongside her own. meaning constant and consistent contact with him and every part of his life.

similarly, we see even this reflected in aleksander's dynamic with alina. aleksander attempts to relate to her in the only way he knows how: by exerting control and by guiding her down the path he is on - by claiming to know what is best for her. in the exact same way baghra has continually tried to repossess him throughout the years by leading him down the 'best path for him' - one that she defines as redemption through inaction. one that she knows could allow her to control him again through reestablishing his existential relationship with punishment, loss, loneliness, and fear.

she seeks to do this because she needs him walking beside her again, easily pliable. because while time has furthered him from her, she is at least still in his life holding some of the reins, but nothing has threatened her grasp on her son as much as another prospective partner. one that won't harm him the way she has and one that could easily reveal exactly how much of himself he has lost to his mother in her claims about living eternally. one that could prove to be a real, stable relationship for him - unraveling all of the threads she so carefully wound.

like baghra did with him, aleksander fosters a codependent relationship with alina, because he was taught that such a relationship is the only way to survive immortality (and that this is how relationships work at all). he desires alina to be his immortal companion, in the same way his mother desired him, because he longs - probably without realizing - for a relationship that is not defined by constant abuse. but he has none of the resources to break free of the cycle of abuse, because he cannot even conceptualize that the things baghra taught him are abusive.

everything baghra taught him, he repeats to alina. every lesson about immortality, he repeats to alina. the possessiveness which defines his relationship with his mother - the ways she controls his interactions with others and isolates him completely - this he mirrors also with alina. because the only framework he possesses for a long-lasting connection is his relationship with his mother, and he is so starved for real connection that he craves it.

he craves it because baghra made him crave it. because she starved him of affection and made him reliant upon her as his sole provider for it. then she destroyed any other source he might find. she did this because she wanted to ensure he would always come back to her and forgive her. additionally, they are in the position of being entirely unique, which only further provides another tool for abuse. it is so so easy to neatly isolate someone when they are already othered completely and have no reliable means of long-term connection but you. it is so so easy to starve someone and lead them to believe they are gorging themselves when there is no other source of sustenance.

but then comes alina. who is also immortal. and who is quite capable of not only walking down aleksander's path, but having aleksander walk down hers. and alina will give aleksander the sustenance he needs. alina will give a long-lasting relationship with real happiness and affection and touch and love. alina will make him realize that the ways he tries to fulfill his cravings - the ways baghra taught him - are wrong.

which brings the situation to the plot.

alina's moral conflict is falsely dichotomized into two things:

a) kill the 'monster' and believe the true social issues that caused it can be solved through inaction.

or b) give in to the latent 'evil' that comes with being grisha, reveling in power, greed, and selfishness.

baghra as the author's mouthpiece supports the former, which means alina's 'enlightenment' must eventually follow this path - for the true moral message to be conveyed. and this path leads her away from the darkling. thus, it is inevitable within such a narrative that she would have to do so.

however, contextually, baghra's actions when putting alina on this path are those of an abuser losing control of their victim. while she operates within a narrative role, she acts in a way that is easily identifiable. the very specific way in which baghra confronts aleksander's relationships with others in both the books and the show (especially his relationship with alina) is that of someone who wishes to remove outside influences from the perfectly tailored environment of their victim. if alina begins to trust aleksander and start a relationship with him, then this environment will be disrupted - possibly destroyed - and he will be removed from baghra's influence forever. baghra, as an eternally lonely person, cannot let this happen.

but she has a new way of living, now. one that her son rejects, because he is finally trying to become his own person and create his own path. so, she molds alina into exactly what she is and ties alina to her completely, effectively ruining her son's chances for any connection outside of her ever again. not only that, but she severs any future attempts at connection between them by taking control of the narrative about aleksander. meaning alina will defer to baghra about him, about morals, about what paths to walk and what actions to take. she will defer to her about anything that leads in aleksander's direction, because she must 1) do so for narrative purposes (and baghra is first and foremost the narrative compass) and 2) reject all associations with his character completely.

so aleksander is now trapped in an abusive cycle with both women, and the options are either alina, who is not only his abuser’s mouthpiece, but someone who has been cut off from any attempt at a connection with him completely. or his mother, who is in many ways relying on alina's treatment of him to drive him back into her arms.

aleksander, who cannot conceivably understand why he longs for another partner, must focus on alina. but as someone who was brutally stripped of any ability to connect healthily, he can only communicate with her one way - through possession, control, fear, and manipulation. and because she now erects the same barriers baghra does and walks the same path as her- well. the pattern of abuse continues.

so yeah. I think he mimics his relationship with baghra in his other relationships. he attempts to connect in the only ways he knows how, and when he tries to move outside of the box and connect in his own way, baghra intervenes. he is a centuries old abuse victim that will literally never gain the resources or outside connections required to develop healthy relationships. and sab is lauded as a narrative on the side of abuse survivors. lmfao.

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