#and go on her merry way. why am i the only one whos doing this. im also tired. fuck off

[globodamorte]

I'm really scared my dad will hurt my cat (the devious pisser) for pissing

[radiance1]

Danny: Hey, I need you to be my boyfriend for a week.

Jason: What.

Danny: My parents are coming over and I've apparently accidentally talked about a partner more than once and only realized when they said they wanted to meet them.

Jason, currently still solidifying his power as a Crime Lord: Excuse me?

Danny: Let me get this out of the way, I do not consider you at all a person of romantical interest and a friend. But I need you to act as my partner for only a week until my parents go on their merry way over to my sister, okay?

Jason: Is there, quite literally, no one else to ask this?

Danny: You're my only friend who lives in Gotham, plus we share the same apartment.

Jason: That's almost sad.

Danny: You in?

Jason: Sure, why not.

===

Maddie: Danny, honey.

Danny: Yes mom?

Maddie: I don't mean to.... question, who you choose as your parent but. Well, me and your father was just wandering if he was a... [Maddie gestures with her hand] you know, one of those.

Danny, uncomprehendingly staring at his mother's hand: What.

Maddie: Oh dear, how do I bring this up. You know, one of those.

Danny: Mother I need more context.

Jack: If your boyfriend a crime lord!?

Maddie: Jack!

Jack: What? Beating around the bush wasn't helping!

Danny: Say WHAT?

===

Danny: Hey dude, thanks for helping with this even though you didn't need to!

Jason: No problem, I wasn't doing anything too [Crime Lord activities flash through his mind] important.

Danny: Can you believe my parents thought you were a crime lord though? Weird am I right?

Jason:

Danny: Jason. You are scaring me.

Jason: Haha, yea that's weird isn't it?

Danny: Jason.

Jason: Well, I have to leave now to attend to my totally real and totally not crime related job at the ice cream shop.

Danny: [Squints eyes]

Jason: [Internally sweating bullets]

Danny: Suuuuure, bring me back some ice cream though.

Jason: [Thumbs up and leaves]

[pathologicalreid]

merry christmas, please don't call | s.r.

in which Spencer pens an email to you, since you've already blocked his phone number

who? spencer reid x fem!reader category: angst content warnings: nondescript break up, described as spencer's fault, reader is mentioned to have worn lipstick, yearning, word count: 907 a/n: and the worst part is!!! that we both know!!!!! we are doing kind of an unofficial margotmas/reidmas! really i've just been building up christmas ideas for a while lol

To: xreader@gmail.com From: Spencer.Reid@gmail.com Subject: Merry Christmas

Hey,

Spencer shook his head, that was too casual.

Good afternoon,

Much too formal.

Hello,

Too rigid.

Darling,

I passed by the house that you told me you adored. It used to be your dream house; you’d always show me the Zillow listing whenever you were browsing. The owners didn’t put up their Christmas lights this year, and it looks like they’re getting ready to sell. I haven’t been online to check the listing, that was always your thing rather than mine.

Do you remember the house? It had four bedrooms for our kids to sleep in and a library with stained-glass windows. You always told me the stained-glass windows were your favorite feature of my apartment. I keep it covered now; the colored glass just serves as a painful reminder of you.  

Emily called me last week. I suppose no one told her that we weren’t together anymore because she asked what our holiday plans were. I haven’t made any since you left. I’m finding myself hopeful that we get called on a case over Christmas so that I don’t need to be surrounded by the world celebrating while I continue to wallow in the memories of you and me.

That’s all I have now: memories. We made so many of them over the course of three years that I don’t know what to do with them. I’ve always had the sneaking suspicion that having an eidetic memory is a curse just as much as it is a blessing, but with you gone, I know it’s more of a curse. I see you when I close my eyes as if your features have been permanently tattooed on the back of my eyelids, but when my eyes are open, everything is exponentially worse.

You left in such a hurry, so you were bound to leave a few things behind. When I went to make a cup of coffee and found one of your mugs in my cabinet, JJ and Penelope had to practically scrape me off the kitchen floor. There was still a lipstick smudge on it, a piece of our history the dishwasher couldn’t quite wash off. Your necklace was on the bedside table, though maybe that was left behind on purpose. I wish we could go back to the day I gave it to you, you could wear the same green dress, and maybe work wouldn’t get in the way. If I could, I’d call you to ask why you left it behind, but you’ve blocked my number.

There was no need for you to leave me things to remember you by, how could I ever forget you?

I’ve been finding myself grateful that you got so close with Garcia during our relationship, she doesn’t give me any explicit details on your life when she updates me. I never ask, but she knows I want to hear.

It’s a rather odd phenomenon to have once had someone who you shared everything with, only to one day find they want nothing to do with you. I always find myself reaching for my phone to send to a message, or leaning over to show you a line in my book, but you’re not there anymore. I don’t hold any malice in my heart for you, even after you called it all off. My biggest regret is that I couldn’t be the boyfriend that you needed, and I’m proud of you for realizing you wanted someone better. I’m sorry I couldn’t be better.

Maybe I still have some growing up to do. There might be some sort of emotional stunting as a result of my less-than-orthodox upbringing and education, which makes sense when you consider two of my most common nicknames, “boy genius” and “kid.” One day I could find myself in the same place you were, ready for more, but maybe then I’ll be with someone who is ready for the same things as I am. She’ll never be you though. You’ll always hold that special place in my heart.

Speaking of my upbringing, my mom keeps asking about you. Each time we talk on the phone, she asks if she can talk to you, but I’ve been telling her that you’re still working or are otherwise preoccupied. I know I shouldn’t lie to her, but if I tell her, she’ll inevitably forget, and I’ll be forced to recount the story of how I lost the best thing to ever happen to me forever. That would be my eternal damnation. There’s Sisyphus and Tantalus and Spencer Reid, slowly becoming nothing but a myth. I wonder if I’m a story that you tell your friends at O’Keefe’s.

I go there sometimes, just to see if I can catch your gaze, but you’re never there.

I know this is your favorite holiday, and I don’t intend to ruin your holidays with my message. I suppose I just needed to see if you still dream about that house. To see if you still dream of me the way I dream of you.

Merry Christmas,

Spencer

He clicked send nervously, ready to snap his work-issued laptop shut when it chirped with a notification. Surely you hadn’t responded that quickly. Spencer opened his inbox once more, checking the latest email.

To: Spencer.Reid@gmail.com From: mailer-daemon@googlemail.com Subject: Delivery Status Notification (Failure)

Message blocked.

Your message to xreader@gmail.com has been blocked. See technical details below for more information.

[landoscult]

wish list | carlos sainz smau — #55

where carlos is the number one gift on y/n's wish list

WARNINGS!!!

english isn't my first language so sorry if anything is wrong!

happy holidays y'all! i hope you're having a great time with ur loved ones. don't forget to let me know what u think about it <3

liked by charlesleclerc, ynnorris, carlossainzoficial and 1mi others

carlossainz55 Escape the cold this Christmas. Feliz navidad a todos! ✅️👏

view all 35.937 comments

carlosfan PEOPLE DIED

carlosfan2 whAT-

landonorris looking good

ynnorris RIGHT !!!!

ynnorris i mean merry christmas carlos! 🤩

carlosfan2 Y/N WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE

ynnorris just appreciating the view

liked by carlossainz55 and others

landonorris DELETE

carlossainz55 Oh @ynnorris Hi!

landonorris SHUT UP GET OUT NO ONE CALLED YOU HERE

carlossainz55 mate this is my post

landonorris I DON'T CARE

carlossainzoficial 👏👏👏

carlosfan4 Y/N AND CARLOS COMMENTS IM HAVING A VISION

carlosfan5 SIR RESPECTFULLY WE ARE HAVING A HEART ATTACK

liked by flonorris1, lilyzneimer, carlossainz55, francisca.cgomes and 157.937 others

ynnorris a very merry christmas from the norris sisters 💘

view all 1.487 comments

landofan PRETTIEST

lilymhe okay but do you want 💍 me?

ynnorris just tell me when and where

alex_albon excuse me?

ynnorris oh hi alex merry christmas to you too 🥰

flonorris1 love you forever 💖

ciscanorris my babies!!! 👏👏

landonorris what about me

ynnorris no one cares about you

carlossainz55 Merry Christmas to you and your family, y/n! 🥰

carlandofan everyone is seeing what i am seeing or

carlosfan1 they had never commented on each other's posts what is going on

landofan3 THEY ARE DATING

carlandofan2 girl what??? lando wouldn't be living if this happens

ynnorris thanks carlos! i hope u liked your present ❤️

landonorris WHAT PRESENT

liked by carlossainz55, landonorris, flonorris1, yourbestfriend and 235.937 others

ynnorris if Santa doesn't exist how did a get my number 1 gift? 💌

view all 10.387 comments

yourbestfriend face card never declining as always

yourbestfriend wait 🤭 is it a soft lauch?

ynnorris when you know you know

landonorris KNOW WHAT

landonorris who is that men i don't like him

carlossainz55 No way your twin sister didn't tell you anything

landofan1 WHY CARLOS DID YOU KNOW SOMETHING

landonorris YES WHY CARLOS WHAT DID YOU KNOW THAT I DON'T KNOW

ynnorris you'll be surprised when you found out my lovely brother ❤️

landonorris i hate you both

carlossainz55 great view! 👏

carlandofan there's no view only hers photos 😭😭😭

liked by ynnorris and others

carlosfan2 I WANT WHAT THEY HAVE

anasainzvdec prettyyy 🤩

[goldenwilliamson]

hard launch | leah williamson

pairing: leah williamson x reader

a/n: merry christmas!!! enjoy some christmassy awfc fluff x

summary: reader and leah film their parts in the arsenal christmas gifting video. reader receives a gift that shows everyone who's girlfriend she is.

word count: 1.3k

The Arsenal media team had set up a Christmas tree lined with presents for all the girls to open for a video. You obliged happily, excited about having a present to open before Christmas. Leah however had to be convinced.

"It's bad luck! You can't have us opening gifts before Christmas!" She said, her voice firm.

"Ease up Lee, it's just a little present from the club," you said, rubbing the space between her shoulder blades while silently laughing at your girlfriends commitment to tradition.

"My Mum can't find out about this, she'll have a fit," Leah says, eyeing the tree scornfully.

"Well she might see this video when it goes up," Frimmy says from behind the camera.

You move out of the shot now and watch through the screen of the camera as Leah steps into frame and speaks directly to the lens, "Do I look as awkward as I feel? Because I'm sorry Mum, I don't normally do this before Christmas day, I'm being forced to."

Shaking your head, you and many of the other girls watch on in anticipation as Leah unwraps her gift, and when she pulls out the electric keyboard you all exchange knowing glances. It's no secret that learning piano has been Leah's latest mission, and you more than anyone have been along for the journey. Most evenings now your night was soundtracked by Leah sitting at the piano stool, reading her sheet music and practicing.

When she was preparing for her performance with the BBC orchestra you must have heard her play that Shania Twain song about 200 times before you had to cut her off.

"You've got it Leah, I promise," you had stressed to her.

"I'm just so nervous, I need to know I can do it perfectly!" She demanded, starting to play it again.

"Nope. No. I'm sorry, but I'm cutting you off. It's time for bed," you had said. Even though you were always supportive of her endeavours, you knew she was only stressing herself out with the drive for perfection.

"Baby, please just let me practice it one more time, then bed," she pleaded like a little kid asking for five more minutes of play time.

"Fine. Once more. But I am telling you it's been perfect 98% of the times you've played," you said.

She just waved you away and played it once more all the way through, perfectly of course, and then finally conceded to your request. When you finally crawled into bed together that night you turned towards Leah, murmuring into the darkness.

"I'm starting to get worried that I'll have Shania Twain stuck in my head forever."

Leah giggled but reassured you, "I won't be playing it forever. And trust me, I'm sick of it too."

Now today she was sitting down, playing the little electric keyboard and trying to get everyone to guess what she was playing. You knew straight away it was Adele, because she had played it for you just last night, but it took everyone else a little longer to catch on.

Leah, pleased with her present moved along to allow for the next girls to go through. You stepped in, ready to unwrap your presents with Steph and Kyra, but before you got to pull off the paper one of the Arsenal media people pulled you out.

"We'll get you to open yours on your own, Y/N," they told you. You weren't really sure why, but you trusted their vision and waited for your turn.

When you were finally standing in front of the camera after Steph and Kyra, you felt your present through the wrapping and you could tell that it was a piece of clothing. As you pulled it out, you unfolded it to reveal a t-shirt. And you instantly realised why they'd got you to open it on your own. It seemed to be a fan made t-shirt that had pictures of Leah all over the front as well as LEAH WILLIAMSON printed in large pink block letters running down the side.

You bent over laughing, not even sure if you should show it off to the camera. While you and Leah were officially together, it hadn't really been confirmed publicly. The media team knew that and obviously got you on your own so they could easily leave your clip out of the video.

"Really?" You looked up at the small crew, holding the shirt up next to your face.

Leah, watching on began to laugh now, seeing what you'd been given.

"Best present of the day guys!" She exclaimed.

"So ridiculous," you said as all the girls behind the camera laughed.

"Hard launch," Kyra said, teasing you both.

"Shut up," you smiled, "This won't be going on the Instagram," you said assertively, pointing directly down the barrel of the camera.

"Why don't you put in on, Y/N," Leah suggests.

"You'd like that wouldn't you?" You narrow your eyes at your girlfriend, knowing how much of a kick she would get out of seeing you wearing the top, looking like a fan.

"Go on," Steph urges you.

Begrudgingly, you pull your training shirt up over your head, receiving playful wolf whistles from the girls before you pull your new t-shirt down over your body. When it was on you held your arms out, showing it off.

"How do I look?" You said, giving a little spin as the girls clapped for you.

Leah walked over towards you and held onto your waist, admiring herself on your shirt.

"I bet this inflates your ego," you say, seeing the cheeky sparkle in her eyes.

Leah didn't even say anything in response, she just moved to stand next to you, threw her arm around your shoulder in a very platonic manner and posed towards the camera.

"I love meeting fans," she said, smiling at her own joke.

"Ha ha," you said sardonically, rolling your eyes and nudging her away from you.

"We should get a photo of this though," Leah said, pulling her phone out of her pocket and handing it off to Steph who snapped a picture of you both. When you looked back at it Leah wore a very cocky smirk and looked as if you were posing for a photo with your favourite footballer.

Katie stood over your shoulder to peer at the photo, "Oh that's got to go in a photo dump girls."

"I don't think so," you said quickly, leaving it there. Though you did wear the top around for the rest of the day, finding it surprisingly comfortable, until you tucked it away into your bag before heading home.

You had honestly forgotten about it until Christmas Day when you were scrolling on Instagram in bed after the long day of festivities and you saw Leah had tagged you in a photo. She was right next to you sitting on her phone with a smirk on her face.

"What have you posted?" You asked, clicking onto it and swiping through the various Christmas photos until you saw your own bashful face reflected in the photo that Steph had taken of you in the shirt. The caption read, Best time of year (love my fans @Y/N.Y/L/N) x.

Katie McCabe had already liked the post and tagged you in a comment, President of the Leah Williamson fan club aren't ya? @Y/N.Y/L/N.

"Leah!" You said sharply, looking at your girlfriend in disbelief.

"What? It's a great photo," she said.

"You're fuelling the fire," you said, referencing the ongoing speculation online about your relationship.

"So what? I don't care if people know we're together, do you?" Leah said simply.

You realised that you also didn't care, in fact you would be proud for people to know, so you shook your head.

"Of course I don't," you said, reassuring her that you were okay with this.

"Good, then stop being grumpy about the photo," she said, leaning over to give you a kiss.

"It's such a bad photo! I genuinely look like a teenage fan girl," you laughed.

"That's what makes it so great," Leah says, giggling at her ability to annoy you.

You shake your head and pick up your phone again, feeling confident in your relationship with Leah, no longer caring if people know or they don't. This leads you to respond to Katie's comment with two simple words that are enough to send all the fans spiralling over the small confirmation: Hard launch?

[lurkingshan]

10 Things I Love About Triage

I am extraordinarily late to this party but I am here to scream about Triage, a show which I started on a whim after a stray comment from @incandescentflower and subsequently finished in two sittings. This drama has been on my list forever (I didn't watch it live because the distribution was wacky) and then it just kept getting overlooked as I fought to keep up with the deluge of Thai BL coming at us at all times. But I am very glad I finally hunted it down and made the time and I would like to tell you why!

Hello Again, Dr. Sammon

I am on record as a Sammon fan. She is one of the best writers working in Thai BL and she has a knack for mystery and suspense. Her narratives are always really well constructed with tight plotting and smart character work, and Triage is no exception. This story feels confident, steady, and complete in a way few Thai BLs do.

The time travel rules are blessedly consistent

Part of what makes the story sing is it's a time travel plot that actually gets the particulars right. In a time loop, the details are everything, and this show understands that. The series of events are consistent, the rules of the time travel mechanics are clearly explained, and when our protagonists learn something new, it always lines up with something we'd gotten hints about before or gives us new context for old information. There are no loose threads in this show.

My boy Tin is going through it

Tin is a fantastic protagonist. He starts the show disillusioned with his work and hilariously grumpy about this time loop situation--he is a busy ER doctor and he does not have time for this--but as he starts to piece together how the loop works he gets more methodical in his approach, and eventually becomes emotionally invested in his mission to save Tol. Tin felt really well-calibrated in that he was smart and he tried all the things you would be shouting at the screen for him to try, but he's still a human being with flaws and insecurities and so he makes mistakes, learns, and has to try again. The show really successfully put us in the frustration with him.

Tol makes for an interesting damsel

Because he's kind of an asshole! Tol is rude and disrespectful when he first meets Tin, he hangs around with some truly awful bullies, he treats Rit like garbage, and he's all around an arrogant dick. Until he isn't. I like the choice to make the focus of our mission such a difficult character, not only because it makes Tin's challenge that much harder, but also because it invites us to consider the reasons why someone might be behaving the way he is and whether they can be redeemed.

This show has everything: action, romance, and agony

It's truly an emotional rollercoaster all the way through, and you can't relax for a moment. The pacing is relentless through most of the show, and even as a bond develops between Tin and Tol and they begin a tentative romance, danger is lurking around every corner. As soon as these boys started making out in episode 9 I knew something awful was coming for me and IT SURE DID.

Jinta, the ultimate frenemy

On that note let's talk about Jinta, my nemesis!! Jinta is some kind of unspecified deity/whimsical god and the one who appears to be responsible for putting Tin and Tol in this loop. Is he trying to help them? Is he trying to torture them? I definitely think it's both! He seems to delight in showing up to taunt Tin as he struggles to figure out how to get through to Tol, and when it's Tol's turn on the merry-go-round he sends him to the darkest timeline for his high stakes final attempt to save Tin just because he can. I love/hate you, sir!

Sing and Gap and the darkest timeline

Speaking of which, can we talk about how appropriate it is that Sing and Gap are a couple only in the darkest timeline? I don't know if people were shipping this for real during the live watch, but I definitely was not and so I started cackling when we got to the worst possible timeline and Sing was suddenly calling Gap his boyfriend. Sammon, you are hilarious and I salute you.

Fantastic side characters

Let's talk about the sides I did love. First of all, aside from his weird aggressive flirting/not flirting thing with Gap, I actually did like Sing's friendship with Tin a lot. I also loved the hospital gang who were around to alternately tease and help Tin, most especially Toy and Fang. Toy is a sweetheart and a gossip who never misses a trick, and Fang is an actual badass who first cracked the case with that evil doctor and saved Tin's life. They are fabulous. Rit was also an excellent character with a lot of complexity and he added some much needed depth to the school storyline (does anyone else think he was basically the proto-DFF Non?). And while Mai and Heart were not my favorite people, I did appreciate that the show gave them a sympathetic portrayal instead of making them evil villains (we had the organ harvesters for that).

That beautiful clocktower

I must give a shoutout to this gorgeous clocktower featured in several important scenes. I got so excited every time it showed up. Fun fact: in the first clocktower scene I was like oh hey I recognize that from gifs, but it can't be that scene because it's too early for a kis--TIN WHAT ARE YOU DOING! (I was right, it was too early for a kiss and Tol was Big Mad but bless you for going for it anyway, Tin).

The romance is balanced and rootable

And on that note, let me give a shoutout to the romance part of this story for actually feeling balanced. This is not an epic swoony love affair, but more a story of two people putting in the time to understand and empathize with each other. Sometimes in these kind of time loop stories the romance can end up feeling very one-sided because one character is holding all the knowledge and all the cards. But in this show we have the neat trick of Tol taking over the loop to try to save Tin in the final arc, which means he got to go through a similar process of getting to know the darkest version of his lover and figuring out how to get through to him. I was delighted by all the events of the long loop playing out again, but this time with Tin being the obstinate one. Tol got a taste of his own medicine and it left me feeling like they were both equally invested in this relationship.

TL;DR: If you haven't watched this yet, you really should! It's a fast binge and a great time with some Thai BL favorites. It's unfortunately still not available for international streaming, but it's very easy to find grey now and it's worth the effort. Go forth!

[nyarlathotep-thecrawlingchaos]

BIG OL HECKIN EDIT:

I am a dum dum who forgot how to spell @sassenach-on-the-rocks amid my existential terror and dread of the deleted-draft incident mentioned below, and then did a Dum Dum no Double-Down by forgetting to update until now. This headcanon is their brainchild and they deserve all the credit for it.

You may now continue with your previously intended brainrot viewing.

I'm VERY INCREDIBLY MIFFED, MY GUYS.

I had this entire post finished and almost completely formatted and saved it as a draft to finish formatting it on my computer

And it DIDN'T SAVE. And I nearly SCREEEEEMED.

It was for an ask request and I also can't seem to tag the person that sent the ask.

I am A N G E R Y

But after several deep breaths and reminding myself that violence is not the answer, here we are.

At any rate. The ask request was for headcanons involving One Piece boyos taking reader to a Masquerade ball.

To the asker, should you still be around to see it, I really really loved this and thank you so, so much for it ❤️❤️ I really enjoyed finding masks to match their aesthetics.

Only deviation I made was Zoro; you meet him there rather than going with him. It just felt right that way for some reason.

And awaaaaaaaay we go~

The Masquerade

Sanji, Zoro, Shanks, Mihawk, Buggy x Reader

SFW Headcanons

This was really so fun and cute and I thank Asker so so much for this.

♫♬Little By Little — The Fratellis♬♫

You wear your mask, I'll wear mine, they don't come cheap but they fit just fine

You can be her and I can be him, and we can both sink while the rest all swim

Sanji

He heard about it when you made port, and there's no way he's not taking you.

He's been looking for an opportunity to take you on the perfect first date, and this is it.

Perfect opportunity for the two of you to get away from the crew for and have a little alone time.

A little dancing, a little wine, a little champagne—it's perfect.

Makes sure not to tell anyone else, if Luffy hears there's free food he'll insist on going and the whole thing will no doubt end in chaos.

He doesn't even tell you—all he tells you, after presenting you with a brand new dress and jewelry (which most likely cost him every last berry in his wallet), is that he would like to take you out for the evening.

And how could you turn him down?

"Come on, love. I promise it will be the best evening you've ever had."

The effort he's already put in, those puppy-dog eyes....

You spend the evening dancing, talking, enjoying the free food, every ounce of his attention on you the entire time as he ensures that you feel like a princess.

Making sure that everyone has their eyes on the pair of you on the dance floor, that they know you're there with him.

Somehow ending up chit-chatting with the catering staff toward the end of the night and being invited to their far less formal after-party.

Stumbling back to the Merry hours later together, half-drunk and giggling and positive that it's the best night you've ever had.

Zoro

"What the hell...?"

He got lost and wandered in.

No idea what's going on, why are all these people wearing masks and dancing?? What exactly is going on this is weird as—

Oh hey there's an open bar, cool.

You recognize him from his bounty poster fairly quickly. There are a lot of marines here, and he really isn’t causing any problems, but he's getting a lot of strange looks...so you decide to do the guy a favor and shove a mask in his hands.

He looks at you like you're speaking another language as you explain where he is and convince him to just put on the damned mask already.

"A ball? I thought this was some kind of weird cult or something."

You just stare at him in disbelief—he thought it was a cult and he's just standing around enjoying the free drinks. 

What.

You brush it off and tell him if he wants to fit in, then dancing is probably a good idea.

He's frowning at you again.

"Yeah, I don't really...do that."

You roll your eyes—there are still people eyeing him suspiciously, you have to do something, so when he finishes his next drink you just grab him by the wrist and drag him out to the dance floor.

Cue impromptu ballroom dancing lessons. He keeps stepping on your feet and mumbling apologies, but it's kind of cute how hard he's trying.

You really can't help but giggle at his explanation that he just got lost and wandered in here.

But you're glad he did—you doubt you would have had nearly as much fun otherwise.

Shanks

Heard about the whole shin-dig while in port.

"Hey that sounds like fun, we should crash it."

You try to be stern, but he pulls out the puppy dog eyes.

"Oh come on please?"

God dammit....

And maybe an hour later you're both making masks.

There's glitter and glue and feathers all over the captain's cabin and you're already dreading cleaning it up.

His has a giant gaudy pirate hat. Because of course it has a giant gaudy pirate hat. He's so proud of it, grinning like a little kid in an arts and crafts class when he holds it up to show you, that you can't even bring yourself to admonish him for it.

And of course the whole thing is invitation-only, and of course he manages to sweet-talk his way in anyway.

Just having such a good time, really doesn't care if anyone recognizes him.

Really doesn't care, just drinking and making small talk and joking with several lower-ranking Marines in attendance who are clearly very nervous.

Within an hour, while you're in the middle of dancing and deciding that maybe this wasn't *such* a bad idea, an announcement is made for everyone to leave immediately.

Judging by the sheer number of Marines outside there's no doubt as to why.

He just gives you a guilty grin before picking you up over his shoulder and bolting back to the ship.

Mihawk

Actually received an invitation, just rolled his eyes and tossed it in the trash.

You dig it out and pout about it until he rolls his eyes and gives in.

"Fine. No more than an hour."

At lease there will be free wine.

Unsurprisingly spends a great deal of time standing in a corner and sipping said wine while staring around haughtily at the other partygoers.

Would much rather be drinking wine back in his secluded castle and not having to deal with other humans.

Spends the vast majority of the evening standing in a corner and nursing a glass of wine while glaring around haughtily at the other guests, daring them to even think of attempting to make small-talk with him.

Doesn't move from his designated corner until he sees other guests daring to flirt with you, at which point he promptly saunters over to pull you to the dance floor and ensure everyone is well aware that you're there with him.

Lightens up a little after that (which may or may not have something to do with the several glasses of wine he's already consumed), but absolutely will not admit that it actually turned out to be a rather nice evening.

He will, however, hold this over your head and remind you that you owe him.

But you know the truth, considering he's a little more willing to attend such events with you after this.

Buggy

Oh what now? An excuse to be absolutely flamboyant and unhinged in public?

You're going. Period. There will no arguments.

He's already got a collection of masks and costumes anyway, this is going to be a blast.

You lose track of him shortly after you get there. You're pretty sure that the explosion that went off toward the back corner of the dance floor had something to do with him.

He finds you while you're sipping a glass of champagne in downright annoyance and proudly informs you that he's made bank going through pockets at the coat check while everyone was distracted by his little diversion.

"Ah, don't worry, babe, they won't notice. They're too busy schmoozing and kissing ass."

Standing around making small-talk with other guests in the most ridiculous put-on aristocratic accent he can possibly muster, introducing you variably as some foreign dignitary or princess from a far off land.

Literally can't take this idiot anywhere.

[burningcheese-merchant]

yandere cheese drabbles? 🤲

Merry Crimmus to you all, my gift is more Accidental Yandere Golden Cheese things today

Can't think of a story title atm, buuutttttt here is a story nevertheless 😘

Tucked under a cut because this AU is still fucked lol

"I hate you."

How long has it been since she wrote that? How long ago did she take her seat beside her desk, pull out this paper, and bring her pen to it, only for nothing but those three words to bleed out of the ink?

Sucking in a sharp breath and steeling herself, Golden Cheese at last forced her hand to move again.

"I hate you. I loathe you. You are a sick, miserable, disgusting monster. It is only by the grace of the gods that you still live, and this world shall be a brighter, happier place when you no longer do."

There. That was one thought out of the way. Given life in the waking world. Now she just needed to keep going.

"Why are you doing this? Why do you torment me this way? What have I done to deserve it?"

She paused, briefly considering adding "If you utter even a single word about the Soul Jam, I'll rip yours out of your chest and grind it into a fine powder", but decided against it and continued.

"How can you inflict such untold suffering onto others? Onto complete strangers? How many lives have you ended? How many families have you torn apart? How many hopes and dreams have you cleaved in two with that axe? And for what? For me? When I never asked or wanted you to? What in cheese's name is wrong with you?"

She stopped again, peeking over her shoulder at the shelf by her bed - the one hiding the locked metal door, leading to... her collection. A shiver crept up her spine when she realized that the shelf was slightly ajar; she hadn't taken good enough care to close it all the way after leaving earlier that day...

"And on top of it all, you burden me with these... with these so-called gifts," she wrote when she turned back to face her little work-in-progress. "These tokens of... what? Your affection? You call this affection? You think handing a woman the blood and viscera of your hapless victims is how you win her heart? What parasite burrowed into your brain and took control of your senses to make you think this way?

"You sicken me, Burning Spice. Well and truly. You are selfish, wicked and unfathomably cruel. You are a blight on all mankind. You are hardly a step above a rabid animal. I should have put you down and spared us all of this chaos ages ago."

She stopped and set the pen down. Her eyes bore into the last sentence she wrote, unblinking. Dragging along each word, back and forth, over and over again for what may as well have been an eternity.

She should have killed him already. He should be long dead. She should have saved the world as well as herself by now.

But...

... Shaking her head, she moved the letter aside and grabbed another piece of paper. That train of thought is done. Time for another one.

"You curse me, Burning Spice. Not only with your presence, not only with your words, not only with your heinous actions... You curse me with the aftermath of it all, as well. I alone am burdened with the end results of all of your lovesick rampages. I have a closet full of severed heads because of you! Innocent men and women who have been denied their lives and their dignity to satisfy your sick infatuation with me! I struggle each and every day to find their names and identities so I may return them to their loved ones, in an act of penance on both of our parts, because I am as much of a sinner as you for even having them!!!"

She always had blood to wipe off of her hands every time she went into that room. That precious ichor, now cold and sticky, staining her delicate, flawless skin as she carefully tended to the new additions and tidied up the old ones. Every single time.

Not a single head ever left that room. She did all the work of uncovering who these poor, unfortunate souls were, and then... left it at that. Left those souls trapped in limbo. In that cold closet, behind that cold metal door. Never to see the light of day again.

Every visit inside that little den of sin only made the excuses she comforted herself with grow weaker and weaker.

"I don't understand you. I have tried, and tried, and tried with all of my might, to no avail whatsoever. Why? Why are you doing this? Why are you like this? What do you stand to gain? Is this really how you wanted to live your miserable life?"

Wait.

... Who was she writing this to?

She shook her head again - harder this time - and set the letter aside, on top of the first. No more. Next thought.

"I hardly sleep anymore. I'm haunted by the things you do. The things I do. The things I DON'T do. Why have you done this to me? Why won't you stop?"

... No. No more. Into the pile. Next thought.

"You-" Her hand was starting to tremble, smudging the ink. Another deep breath and an attempt to still herself kept her moving along. "You don't hurt children. You listen to me only this one time, for this one instance. How kind of you. How sweet. How thoughtful. Why you do it, I don't know; all life seems the same to you. Just a sea of useless little flesh automatons for you to toy with and crush as you see fit. Why do you obey the line I draw? Why does it matter? Is this the one shred of conscience that yet remains within the black hole your soul resides in?"

No more. She can't think of children. It didn't matter that Burning Spice listened to her and didn't harm them; the mere possibility was too much. Too horrible. Next thought.

"You drive me mad. You never leave my mind. Front, back, the spaces between. You consume my thoughts. Your image has been engraved into the insides of my eyelids. I even DREAM of you now, so oppressive is the hold you have over me. I can't bear it. The guilt. The shame. You curse me."

Next.

"It's a waste. You're a waste. Your entire life is a waste. You could've been someone worthwhile. Someone who made this world more bearable. You have the power, you have the means. Yet you always choose yourself. You were a hero once upon a time, there's no reason you cannot be one again. What a waste."

Next.

"Or were you not? You were never truly a hero, were you? You did it for the praise. For the gold and jewels. For the scores of people chanting your name, building statues in your honor. Selfishness. Arrogance. You're a thief. A coward. A fool."

Who- no, who is this? Who is this for, again?

"I hate you. I HATE YOU. I WANT TO KILL YOU. I WISH TO SEE THE LIGHT IN YOUR DEVIL'S EYES DIM AS I END YOUR WORTHLESS LIFE. YOU MEAN NOTHING TO ME. YOUR FEELINGS MEAN NOTHING. YOU ARE SICK! DERANGED! THE ONLY PERSON YOU EVER LOVED WAS YOURSELF, AND EVERY COURSE OF ACTION YOU TAKE ONLY SERVES TO PROVE IT MORE AND MORE!"

Her hands were trembling violently now. Ink splotches stained the pages. Deep, dark dots. Jagged streaks. Small, delicate fingerprints hovering above certain words.

"I want you."

Same as the very first letter, Golden Cheese stopped and stared down at the page with wide, unblinking eyes.

"I want you You're handsome. I think you're handsome. Devastatingly so."

A bead of sweat trickled down her temple.

"I want you You're handsome. I think you're handsome. Devastatingly so. Your voice shoots through my ears and drills into my skull each time you speak. I never want you to stop talking. Why do you ever stop talking?"

His voice. That deep baritone that went from silky smooth to hot and rough effortlessly. Did he do it just to get to her? To rile her up? Did he know what his voice did to her?

It was working.

"Did your eyes always look the way they do? Is the fire within them ever-burning? Were they taken from a demon and given to you the day you were born? Why do I still feel them raking over me, consuming me, even long after we've parted ways? Why do you always seek to set me ablaze?"

"It's a waste. Really. A waste. You're a good-looking man. You could've lived a normal life. You could've found a nice girl and-"

And? And? And what?

"You could've used that face and voice and those eyes of yours to charm someone and-"

And? Why can't she finish the thought? Why did her heart pound against her ribcage so hard it ached every time she tried?

"You you would you could have you could've been a normal reasonable good man and had a wife and children-"

She took the page and crumpled it, tossing it at the wall.

"I want you. I want your voice in my ears. I want your eyes devouring me. I want to hold your face in my hands. I want you to give me another one of those hellish grins of yours. I want to feel you sink your teeth into me. I want to taste your lips. I want to feel your tongue caress mine. I want to feel your hot breath in my mouth, on my skin. I want your hands on me. All over me. I want you to touch me. You've told me about all the things you want to do to me- do it. Do them. I'm sick of waiting and so are you. Why do you tease us both like this? Do it. Touch me. Taste me. Break my bones. Break my bed. Praise me, call me a goddess, worship me. Worship me like you have been all this time. Tell me you love me. Tell me you adore me. That you'll die without me. That you'll slaughter us all for my sake. Do it. DO IT. Praise me, touch me, kiss me, fuck me, just fuck me, Burning Spice, PLEASE-"

No. No, no, no. Not this. She can't say any of this. She can't. SHE CAN'T.

"YOU'RE MINE. YOU BELONG TO ME NOW. IS THIS NOT THE LEAST YOU OWE ME FOR WHAT YOU PUT ME THROUGH? YOU'RE MINE! MINE! YOUR TROPHIES ARE MINE! YOUR BODY IS MINE! YOUR HEART IS MINE! ALL MINE! DON'T YOU DARE EVEN CONSIDER DOING ANY OF THIS FOR ANYONE ELSE!"

"YOU'RE MINE"

"YOU'RE ALL MINE"

"I HATE YOU"

She slammed her fists down onto the desk with such force that cracks formed in their wake. Out of the chair, away from the desk, out of her bedroom she went. Rushing down the hall. All but throwing herself out the nearest door. Taking off into the sky with a quickness that made her wings ache.

So absorbed in her failed therapy session was she, that she never noticed that the eyes of the marble snake adorning the decorative tree Burning Spice had given her had been glowing the entire time. Nor did she know that he himself, that object of her ire and her sick affection, was lounging on his throne, watching her fall apart with that devil's grin she loved so much.

----------------

Hope this is good. I'm sorry to keep you all waiting. New installment in the Accidental Yandere AU, there shall be more soon. Happy Crimmus 🎄

[mangoshorthand]

A Hargreeves Christmas Carol | Five Hargreeves/ F Reader | Ch2

SUMMARY: Luther is the sort of idiot who goes around with a 'Merry Christmas' and a goofy smile on his lips. In your opinion, he should be roasted with his own turkey and buried with a stake of holly through his heart. Who better to teach you the error of your ways than Luther's brother, the man who holds the power of Christmases Past, Present, and Yet to Come in the palm of his hand? Info/Announcement Post << Read Chapter One

Chapter Two (Rated T, 4.7k words)

The First of the Three Spirits

You blinked, eyes protesting in sudden, bright daylight. 

“Where are we?” came Five’s voice, still holding tight to your elbow.

“How the hell am I -?”

But you broke off. You knew this place.

“It’s your past,” Five said. 

And then, proudly, as if he couldn’t help himself, he elaborated:

“This briefcase is a prototype I made. It just needs DNA, and it can take you back along that person’s individual’s timeline. All I needed was a hair from the brush in your room, and here we are.”

You weren’t fully listening. Instead, you were looking around at your surroundings, staggered by what you were seeing. 

You and Five were standing on a suburban street; a sprawl that would be featureless to all but those to whom it was familiar. The snow, in gentle flurries, was just starting to overcome the grit on the road, and shoveled driveways too were being dusted with fresh power. 

“I lived here.” you said, softly.

You gazed at the small house across the street from where you stood, at the azalea bush whose flowers used to brush the living room window in spring. So many memories rushed back, half forgotten and shadowy in quality; like dreams you couldn’t be sure really happened.

It made you feel strange. 

“I was little,” you murmured.

Your voice was soft, and it wavered as you spoke. Five looked at you curiously, at your trembling lip and the small tear on your face.

“Are you okay?” he asked, more gently than he’d yet spoken. 

You swallowed.

“Why did you bring me here?”

“I didn’t.” Five said, “Emotional stuff gets into your DNA too. I just programmed it to take me to your earliest salient christmas. And here we are.”

He continued to look at you appraisingly. 

“I don’t want to do this,” you said. 

There was no anger in your voice, none of the rudeness or indignance from before, only vulnerability. 

He knew you well enough for this to strike him as unusual. You were a tour de force: a hard-nosed bar owner, a woman he’d watched ordering drunk and disorderly patrons out of her establishment without turning a hair. It would be fair to say he admired you. You were striking: hair shining in the low light, the unadorned, efficient way you pulled a pint or shook a cocktail. The bar was your stage, and your presence there was magnetic. 

For a moment, he felt guilty about the part he was playing, about the hornet’s nest in your life that he might, even now, be kicking. He didn’t know quite why he did it, but something about the tear falling down your cheek made him release your elbow and hold out his hand instead.

You took it, and led him towards the house.

“You can go in,” he said, when you hesitated a little out of view of the front windows, “they can’t see us. This is a read only visit.”

“What?”

“It means we can’t affect anything,” he explained, patiently, “It’s as if we’re watching a movie of what happened.”

He eyed you then, at the thin sweater you were wearing, and felt another small pang of guilt that he hadn’t let you get a coat. 

“I don’t want to go inside,” you said, quietly, and led him to the front window. Together, beside the bloomless azalea bush, you pressed your faces against the glass.

Inside was a christmas tree, at the foot of which a small girl sat, surrounded by gifts, discarded wrapping paper and new toys. There was a set of crayons and a coloring book, a small lego set, and a stuffed calico cat with a bright pink bow around its neck.

She was alone in the room and, what was even more unusual, she was not opening any of the other gifts around her and was instead staring at her own legs in footsie pajamas. 

The reason why was clear. From within the house, a raging argument was clearly audible, even though layers of walls and glass must separate you from them.

“What world do you live in?” came a woman’s shriek.

“A world where me placing one little bet isn’t going to break the fucking bank, Ellen!”

“Fuck you! Two hundred dollars is not a little bet! I earn twice your wage, what makes you think you can -?”

“Oh HERE we go,” the man shouted, “you never let me forget that, do you?”

“Not when you’re wasting the money that I earned!”

“What about when you earned less than I did? Back then there was plenty of money for you to spend on fucking David!”

“Go fuck yourself!”

There was a loud crash and a cry from your fighting parents that made your younger self jump and start to cry.

Maybe I wouldn’t have been fucking David if you hadn’t been neglecting me!” came a shrill, scream, “You’ve never cared whether I’m happy!”

“GET OFF ME, YOU CRAZY FUCKING BITCH!”

As you looked at your younger self, you cried along with her, all the memories coming back in that moment: hurled insults, smashed plates and drunken tussles. 

Five’s hand came to the small of your back.

“Hey, look,” he said.

A car was pulling up on the drive. You turned your tear-streaked face towards it, and it made your heart skip a beat.

Everything about the car and its driver fell hard on your heart: the sickly beige of her Dodge Caravan, the squeak of the parking brake as it engaged, her perm, the swing of her leather purse as she carried over her arm with a sack of gifts clutched to her side; all of it just made the tears come faster. 

“It’s my grandma,” you wept, and Five’s hand rose to your shoulders, rubbing tentatively between your shoulder blades as your grandmother juggled with her stuff and knocked on the door. 

In the living room, little you sprang to her feet, ran to the hallway and opened the door, falling against your grandmother’s legs to cry against her. The young you cried with relief that she could run into her grandmother’s arms, while the adult you cried in grief that she could never do so again. 

“What’s all this?” your Grandma said, scooping you up and holding you to her chest, “What’s wrong?”

But the young you was too overwhelmed to respond, and the voices echoing from within the house quickly helped grandma to put two and two together.

“Fighting again?” she said, grimly, holding open the front door with one leg, “Merry goddamn christmas.”

She joggled you onto one hip and shouldered her way into the house.

When the door clicked closed behind you, muffling your parents’ screaming, you were left sniffling beside the azalea. 

“She got full custody of me eventually,” you said, “Dad left, Mom moved back in with her, and then Mom married a new guy, moved to Illinois, and left me with her.”

“Ouch,” Five said, wincing, “so no Parent of the Year awards here?”

“Grandma was parent of the century.”

Five nodded. His arm hadn’t moved from around your shoulders. 

“I bet you had a lot of happy christmases with her at least?” he said. 

“I guess so,” you said, quietly, “but she wasn’t big on celebrating.”

You stood there, shivering, watching your younger self curled up on the couch while shadows moved in the kitchen behind you, as your Grandmother tried to lay down the law with her daughter and son in law before giving in and taking you back to her apartment.

There, you’d be in peace, away from the gifts, the twinkling lights and all the yelling, watching the snow fall down onto the city street outside the window, and drinking hot chocolate in her undecorated but undeniably peaceful apartment. 

Five, watching you, briefly set down his briefcase, removed his coat and placed it around your shoulders. 

“She died when I was twenty-one,” you said, quietly, drawing Five’s coat more closely around you.

“I remember you saying once that she left you the bar?”

“Yeah. And the apartment above. Mom tried to contest the will, but Grandma left it watertight. She always fought for me.”

You chuckled reminiscently.

“She left Mom one dollar and an ugly ceramic beagle.”

Five gave a half smile. 

“She sounds like an impressive woman. Formidable.”

“She was,” you sniffed, wiping your face with your hands. 

“Like you.”

You looked at him and returned his smile, tears dried now. 

“Let’s see another Christmas,” he said, taking your hand gently.

Again, you vanished with a fizz into the ether, and the world materialized around you as your body buzzed with electricity. 

It was a Starbucks filled with people, and festooned for the holidays, a jazzy version of Sleigh Ride pumped through the speakers. It was stiflingly hot, so you pulled off Five’s coat and folded it over your arm. The patrons jostled one another as they joined the line, staked out tables, or took their takeout, walking through you and Five as if you were nothing more than ghosts. 

And there you were, at twenty-three, sitting at a table in a low armchair, the seat of which sloped at such a high angle that your body was sunk back into it. You looked older than your age, tired and drawn: this impression would only increase over the years as the day to day stresses got to you. 

“Oh no!” you groaned, turning back to Five and deliberately blocking his view, “Not this.”

“What’s going to happen?” Five asked, craning around you curiously. 

Something about your tone had piqued his interest. It wasn’t a tone of distress, but embarrassment. His consciousness of this, as evidenced by a small smirk playing around his lips, made you scowl.

“I’m about to get dumped.”

Five quirked a brow.

“Well this I have to see.”

And he disappeared, leaving that little electrical frisson on your skin as he dematerialized, and then rematerialized immediately behind you.

“You’re such an asshole!” you said, following him as he approached the table.

Across from you sat Nick, your ex, running his fingers through his straw colored hair.

“He’s drinking a latte,” Five said, as if it was a crime. 

“- Is this about Brisbane again?” you were saying, with a roll of your eyes, “Do you expect me to close up for two weeks during the holidays? It’s the busiest time of year. If I acted like you wanted, I’d barely break even. Right now, I’m actually making real money.”

“You remember in college we used to talk about traveling after we graduated? We even talked about volunteering to teach in Ghana. We used to actually talk and laugh, but now you just snap at me. All you do is count your profits and push me away.”

You disclaimed this with a little shake of the head.

“I don’t push you away, I -”

“But you do.” he interrupted, “ever since you took over the bar. You’ve changed so much. I feel like I barely know you.”

“Well, I’m sorry, Nick,” you said, sarcastically, “excuse me for not having the time to fantasize about vacations when I have my grandmother’s business to run.”

“Do you think she would have wanted this?”

“Yes!” you cried, “She put her whole life into that bar!”

Nick gave a small, defeated sigh and took another sip of his latte. When he looked up again, he asked:

“Tell me something. If you met me now, would you want to be with me?”

You watched your younger self struggle to reply, the justice of what he was saying dawning in her eyes. You remembered the feeling well. 

When you opened your mouth to answer and nothing came out, Nick put his mug carefully down on the table.

“I didn’t think so.”

His voice faltered as he spoke, and you sat in silence for a few moments while Nick recovered himself. 

“I think that clears things up.” he said, simply.

“Nick…”

“No,” he said, his grey eyes serious, “I’m sorry, but it’s over.”

And he stood up from the table, leaving the last third of his latte. 

“Nick.” you said, again, starting to cry. 

“I think it’s been over a long time. I just didn’t see it.”

You tried to stand up to follow him as he moved towards the door, but the ridiculous armchair made you scramble to find your feet, and when you did, you fell back into it.

Five stifled a snort beside you, so you kicked him in the shin, slightly harder than could have been called gentle. 

“Ow!”

I hope you get everything you want,” Nick said, sincerely, “I really hope you find happiness.”

He hesitated a moment, looking awkward.

“So…goodbye then.”

And then he was fighting his way through all the people towards the door, leaving you staring after him with tears brimming in your younger self’s eyes. 

You watched you pained expression, and then turned to Five.

“I want to go home,” you said, to Five, “you’ve tortured me enough. What good does this do?”

Five was looking at the point where Nick had vanished into the crowd.

“I didn’t like him,” he said, bluntly, “You’re better off in my opinion. A Starbucks latte? No, you need a real man. I wouldn’t drink that shit if -”

But then he cut himself off, his eyes caught by something.

“Shit,” he said, distractedly, “that’s Luther.”

You looked up and followed his gaze. There, indeed was Luther, standing in line for the counter, looking unlike you’d ever seen him before: he looked young, comparatively baby-faced, and, though still tall, his proportions looked completely normal. 

Five glanced down at a display near the briefcase’s handle.

“It’s before he went to the moon,” he murmured. And then, in a more normal tone, “I didn’t know you knew him this far back.”

“I didn’t,” you said, dumbfounded.

“I didn’t know Dad let him leave the Academy,” Five said, almost to himself. 

Leaving your younger self to cry in her armchair, you and Five approached his brother. 

“Hey there,” he said, with his usual, grin, “I’ll just take this smoothie to go, thanks.”

And then something caught Luther’s attention. Perhaps he caught a glance of something out of the corner of his eye, because he turned to stare directly at you and Five. 

“Oh fu-” Five began, but petered out as it became clear that he wasn’t actually staring at you, but rather through you.

No, he wasn’t looking at you and Five, he was looking at the younger you, and his face had fallen into lines of empathy. 

“If I buy something for that lady, will you take it to her after I’m gone?”

Your breath caught in your throat. 

“Sure,” answered the barista, glancing at you, crying at your table, and immediately understanding Luther’s kind intentions. 

He furrowed his brow as he read the menu.

“I think she needs something chocolatey,” he said, “how about…a venti gingerbread hot chocolate with cream and those gold sprinkles?”

You watched Luther’s honest, earnest face as he paid, took his little bottle of smoothie, and left, humming a little snatch of God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen as he went.

“That was him?” you said, watching Luther’s retreating figure with a dumbfounded expression on your face,  “I remember that. I thought one of the baristas took pity on me. It made me feel…”

Your own words to Luther echoed back in your mind:

“Why not keep all your Christmas shit to yourself and mind your own goddamn business?”

And then his reply, so like Nick’s:

“Why are you pushing me away?”

And your face flushed with shame.

“I was so mean to him,” you said, ruefully.

“Well,” Five said, with the reasonable air of someone chairing a debate, “it can be hard not to be mean to him. He asks for it.”

This didn’t make you feel any better, but Five continued.

“He didn’t always have it easy, but he always had this… uncrushable spirit beneath the surface. He’s always been a teddy bear, no matter how much Dad taught him to suppress it.”

Five gave a reluctant, half mocking chuckle.

“If you ask me,” he continued, “I think he’s trying to make up for lost time: our Christmases sucked.”

There was another moment of silence in which you looked down at the briefcase. 

“Can you show me?” you asked. 

“Huh?”

“Show me what it was like for you and Luther as kids. 

“We’re here to sort out your shit,” he said reprovingly, his thick eyebrows lowered.

“You think you can stop me from causing nuclear armageddon if you show me the past, right?”  

“We’re here to get to the root of your christmas hate-boner so you don’t cause such a mess, yeah.”

“Then show me Luther’s past. Show me why it’s so important to him.”

Five considered you, a vertical line between his brows and the corners of his mouth turned down. After a moment, he spoke, sounding impressed with the idea:

“I guess we could try it. And I know just the one.” 

He moved closer to the table and armchairs to give himself space, knelt and placed the briefcase on the floor beside him. He reached into an inner pocket of his blazer and withdrew a pair of tweezers and a small vial sealed with a cork. 

Carefully, he bent over the briefcase and removed the strand of your hair from one of its mechanisms with the tweezers, and deposited it into the vial.

“That’s creepy as shit,” you remarked, “Do you regularly steal DNA from women’s bedrooms to keep in little jars?”

Five rolled his eyes as he stowed the vial away again.

“Trust me, if I wanted to be creepy, your mess of a bedroom gave me ample opportunity. Do you even own a laundry hamper? If I had a thing for worn panties, that room would be nirvana.”

You felt your cheeks heat up as Five used the tweezers to pluck a single dark hair from his own head. 

“That ought to do it.”

With a steady, precise hand, he slid his own hair into the briefcase’s mechanism. When he clicked it closed, the entire panel hummed, lit briefly with a faint blue glow. 

“Perfect,” he said to himself, and drummed his fingers briefly on the briefcase as he thought.

“Christmas of ‘95? Yeah, six seems about right.”

He fiddled with the dials briefly.

Five rose to his feet again and held out his arm, which you took readily. 

“Here we go,” he said, and clicked something on the briefcase. 

And there was the roiling static, your skin alive with tingles, and you arrived, swaying, into a scene unlike any you’d seen so far. 

The room was white walled, the floor of that squeaky wooden variety you get in a school gymnasium. Padded mats were stacked neatly against the wall at one end, and mirrors lined one of the walls.

Four small children stood in front of the mirror, watching two more facing each other in the on a large mat in the center of the room. One of these was blonde and tall for his age, the other slight and dark.

“Where are we? Wait, is that you and -?”

“Number One and Number Five,” came a crisp voice from the other end of the room, “I have chosen to pair you today because your respective power offers the other a unique and complementary challenge.”

It was Reginald Hargreeves, standing tall and imposing in a pinstriped suit, trademark monocle firmly in place. Beside him, another child stood, hiding behind bangs with a clipboard at the ready, presumably to take notes.  

“Wait,” you asked, “isn’t this supposed to be Christmas?”

“It’s Christmas Eve,” the grown Five beside you confirmed, grimly. “Didn’t mean shit when it came to our training.”

As he spoke, Hargreeves continued.

“Number One, you have size and strength on your side, but you are uncontrolled; clumsy. Number Five, while you may be agile and precise, you are small and weak.”

The young Five in the center of the room’s jaw set. It was simultaneously a sad expression to see on the face of such a young child, and a pleasant little hint of the man he would grow into.

“You were adorable,” you said, before you could stop yourself. Then, you hurriedly added, “all of you, I mean.”

Five only smiled in a way that didn’t quite reach his eyes. He was looking at the two boys in front of him, and it seemed as if he was already regretting his decision to show you this.

“The object of this fight is to overpower the other by any means necessary,” Hargreeves continued.

“Jesus,” you murmured, and Five shrugged beside you. 

“Prepare yourselves.” 

The two children shifted, and squared their small frames, bare feet planting against the mats. 

“Three,” Hargreeves voice rang out, “Two…One. Begin!”

Young Five and Luther sprung into action, Five vanishing before the latter could even make his first move. On instinct, Luther ducked immediately, avoiding Five’s tiny fist as it punched the air where the back of his brother’s head was, just a moment earlier.

“Oh my god,” you whispered, half in shock, half in horror.

The two children moved like professionals: like lightning, almost. It was hard to keep track of whose body was where: one minute Five was spinning away from Luther’s perfectly executed knifehand strike, and the next Luther was leaping over Five’s leg, extended in a high kick.

When the first hit came, you gasped and clapped a hand over your mouth.

The heel of Five’s hand slammed up and into Luther’s face, causing him to cry out and stagger backwards, his hands clasped over one eye. 

“Oww!” he whimpered, body wracked with sobs, “Ow, Dad!”

As Luther wept, the young Five hesitated, his hard, determined expression betraying a little remorse. Though he remained on the balls of his feet, prepared for another attack, he glanced guiltily at his father. 

“Press your advantage, Number Five,” Reginald said, a hint of pride in his voice, “and Number One, pull yourself together. Take a demerit for tears.”

At their father’s words, both Five and Luther leapt back into action, Luther’s expression contorted into pure, emotion driven frenzy, lashing out in pain more than he was sparring. 

You took an instinctive half a step forward, hand extended towards them.

“You can’t help,” Five reminded you, his voice carefully nonchalant, “they’re just shadows of what happened.”

Luther became wild and less disciplined in his movements, and though Five blinked around so fast that he was barely visible, the forceful strikes he landed affected Luther no more than a foam bat might have done. 

Then, Luther landed a hit of his own, a blow to Five’s stomach that made him double over at the waist with a hiss as all the air was punched out of his lungs.

“Excellent, Number One.” Hargreeves said, motioning to the child beside him to take a note.

But Luther wasn’t listening. Breathing through his teeth as snot ran from his nose, he pulled back his fist once more and struck Five squarely on the chin with a devastating uppercut that sent him off his feet and flying across the room, struck with the full force of the young Luther’s power.

His head hit the far wall with a sickly crack, and he fell like a ragdoll onto the pile of stacked mats. 

A great gasp went up around the room, yours included. You dropped Five’s coat and, unthinking, ran over to the injured child and dropped to your knees beside him, reaching out a hand. But, of course, your fingers passed straight through his face. 

His eyes were open, but far from alert. One of them, filled with blood from burst blood vessels, was looking inwards towards his nose, while the other looked straight ahead, unfocused. His mouth dripped with blood from a badly bitten tongue. 

You looked from him to the older Five, who simply shrugged as if to say: ‘what are you gonna do?’

“What happened?” you asked, turning desperately to Five, though the words kept coming before he could answer, “Oh my God, I didn’t know what he made you... it’s horrible!”

“It’s not how I’d raise kids,” Five said, with an air of forced casualness.

As Hargreeves lectured Luther for being undisciplined and told him that his fun and games privileges tomorrow were revoked, Five approached your end of the room. 

He picked up his coat with the hand not holding the briefcase and folded it over his own arm. 

“You want to see what happened?” 

You nodded, and Five began to fiddle with the briefcase once more. It took no more than a grasp of his hand and the final click of a button before you were in a bright, cozy sitting room.

“This is Christmas day,” Five said, “I was the only one who got the day off training - I still couldn’t see right -  but the others except Luther got to watch the movie with me.”

Though a fire was crackling in the grate, there were no decorations, you noticed. 

Little Five was sitting propped up in an armchair, his face bruised, one eye still red and a bandage wrapped around his head. All the other children save Luther were seated on a couch.

One of the boys was wriggling, much to the annoyance of his brother.

“Klaus,” he said, indignantly, “stop kicking me!”

“Stop kicking me,”  Klaus imitated.

Then, one of the girls piped up from the floor.

“Can you two be quiet? I want to watch Rudolph!”

The two boys fell into scowling silence, and all eyes turned to the stop-motion animation on the TV, where Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer was guiding Santa’s sleigh across the sky. 

Little Five looked from the TV to the sibling beside him.

“Hey, Ben,” came Five’s whisper, leaning towards him with difficulty. 

“What?” 

“I got presents from Santa last night.”

“No you didn’t,” Ben said, dismissively.

“Yes I did,” Five countered, “I got a black power ranger and three of the candies Dad gives us on our birthday, and a bookmark and two moon rocks. And it was all in a sock hanging on my bed, just like in the movie.”

“You’re lying,” Ben replied, “Santa’s not real. Dad says it’s just a lie they tell normal children.”

“Oh yeah?” he said, with a smug smile. “Then how come I got presents?

“Because you’re lying,” Ben retorted, tartly.

”I am not lying,” 

“Are too.”

“Am not!”

“Are too!”

“Shut up!” said the girl again, indignantly.

“You shut up, Allison!”

“Oh yeah? Well I heard a rumor you stopped talking until after Rudolph!”

The two boys fell silent immediately, though Ben stuck his tongue out at Five. 

“I was such a little asshole,” the Five beside you said.

“You were a kid,” you said, gently, “you all were.”

“I guess.”

You watched the six of them, legs too short to touch the floor, and frowned.

“It was Luther, wasn’t it? The sock.”

“Yeah,” Five said, a tender note in his voice, “and he got in trouble for it. He stole the candies from Dad’s office.”

The corner of your lip twitched outwards in a sad smile. Five’s hand was still in yours, and you squeezed it. 

The pressure seemed to bring Five back to himself, and he cleared his throat, shaking off a little of the gravity that had settled on him as he revisited his own past.

“So that’s why you need to come tomorrow,” he said, stoutly, “for Luther, Christmas is about rejecting what Dad tried to turn him into. He feeds off showing people he cares, and he wants to show you.”

“But why am I so important?” you asked, a small whine edge into your voice, “He has you guys to show he cares. Why would him not being able to serve me turkey cause armageddon? Can’t I just smooth things over with him in the New Year?”

Five gave a large sigh and looked up at the ceiling, bringing all the lines and hollows of his neck into greater prominence. 

“God, you’re so stubborn. I am done trying to get through to you. Is all this not enough for you? You hate Christmas because your parents sucked and you got dumped, I get it. But still, you had people who loved you and were kind to you, and that’s what it’s supposed to be about, asshole! What more do you want from me?”

“What?” you asked, irritated, “you just expect me to jump for joy and turn into Mrs-fucking-Claus at the drop of a hat?”

“No,” Five said, dropping your hand and setting the briefcase with gritted teeth, “I was hoping you’d get your head out of your ass long enough to realise not everything’s about you and your, frankly, pretty mundane traumas.”

“Fuck you,” you retorted, annoyed by his attitude. “I’m sorry your dad made you beat the shit out of each other, but that doesn’t mean you get to dismiss my feelings!”

“I am not dismissing your feelings,” he said, punching a final few settings on the briefcase, “but would it kill you to make Luther’s day? Sometimes we do stuff to make other people happy. That’s what it’s supposed to mean to live in a goddamn society.”

“Are you fucking kidd-” you began, but your voice was cut of as Five seized a fistful of your sweater and you disappeared in a flash of light.

Read Chapter Three >> I FEED OFF COMMENTS AND REBLOGS YUM YUM YUM

Mr Fezziwig's Ball (left) and Scrooge Extinguishes the First of The Three Spirits (right) Both by John Leech, 1843 in Dickens's A Christmas Carol, first edition (1843).

Dickens' A Christmas Carol full text available here.

Read it! It's a much better than this, and you can see how many lines I stole verbatim or clumsily referenced.

Dividers used in this series by @bernardsbendystraws (garland) and @strangergraphics (lights)

Taglist: @nevbrooke-555, @fiannee, @abeeabee6969, @chalametabingbong, @lolawassad, @icantpickanamefromonefandom @thebearmage @kaybreezy3000, @starlitflora (comment to be added or removed)

Megalist

Request info + rules

I take Five requests, I'm fairly versatile in what I write (fluff, smut, angst, psychological character study- I'll try it all) but I will consider them on a case by case basis. See request info + rules for request status and more.

[eternal-love]

I would love one where the reader gets her revenge on Austin by getting hotter and sexier which pisses Kaia and the Kaustin shippers off after years of getting body shamed because they think Austin wouldn't date a plus-sized Latina girl and he finally gets fed up with Kaia's jealousy and insecurity and whatnot.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, PLEASE DONT CALL

Pairing: Austin Butler x Latina!Fem!readee

Summary: After your break up with Austin, you started to focus on yourself. But people were urging you to go back to him.

Warning: slight-racism, body shaming.

Note: Heyyyy @12joeywheelerfangirl , I hope that this was what you imagined! Sorry I took so long, sorry😭

You had been without Austin for a two years now, you both broke up right after he filmed ELVIS. It was the darkest time of your life, not only because of the terrible breakup, but also because of the many comments you read throughout the relationship.

“Who does she look like that?”

“He can do so much better.”

“Please, is he doing makeswish? Cause she ain’t on his level.”

“I wish he dated someone that actually looked good!”

“I wouldn’t be surprised if he cheated on her with a model.”

You were never exactly the type of woman anyone envisioned Austin to be with. You understood that, you were the exact opposite of what people thought he would want. He never defended you, at least not in front of people. He would stay quiet, you understood that he was a calm celebrity, but you wanted him to go out and say:

“Yes, I love this woman and I am attracted to her.”

But he never did. He never once defended you, not even with his family.

But you had moved on, at least you had tried. You now lived with your fiancé, a baseball player. You were happy. At least this man did how the people that he loved you.

Austin had moved on too, to this nepobaby. Kaia Gerber, she was gorgeous and you wouldn’t deny it. She was everything people wanted Austin to have. Like she was what he deserved.

A part of you understood that you didn’t exactly fit in on what people considered beautiful but you liked yourself and it was one of your New Year’s resolutions to find ways to enhance yourself. And that’s what you did.

You started buying cuter clothes, started trying different hairstyles. Different makeup styles and in the end, you found yourself completely changed. You lost a couple of pounds, a part of you did it in revenge for all the comments and because of Austin leaving you the minute a pretty thing walked in front of him.

But you were focused on other stuff. Like decorating your house for Christmas and you had heard of a night market that would sell Christmas stuff. You walked around, wrapped in your coat and scarf.

You heard a familiar voice but you payed no mind to it, until the voice got closer. You turned around and saw those familiar golden locks and lean frame. It was Austin.

“Y/n!” He called you, his hand still holding Kaia’s. “I didn’t even recognize you!”

“Hi.” You pressed your lips together and smiled. Nodding your head at Kaia, who had Austin’s hand tightly wrapped with hers. “I’ve changed. Thank you.”

He was mind-blown, you looked really different.

“I missed seeing you. God, it’s been long.” He smiled. Acting as kind as ever. He lets go of Kaia’s hand and hugged you, you wanted to shove him away but you didn’t.

Why did he treat you kindly now? Why was he holding you like he knew you?

“Me too.” You answered. You didn’t really miss seeing him, because lately the internet was plagued with photos of him and Kaia.

He stared at you for a while, he gulped. You were as beautiful as he remembered you the last time he saw you. But his awe was interrupted by Kaia’s glare, to which he unrestored that they had to keep moving.

“It was nice seeing you, y/n.” He said with a smile, he then walked away.

You were left dumbfounded. Like actually you froze in place. What was that interaction?

You went back home to your apartment, your fiancé was going around the kitchen, making himself some sandwich.

“Oh, you’re back, sweetheart.” Ian spoke with a mouthful of food.

“I didn’t seek anything good, other than cookies.” You lifted the bag in your hand.

“Let me boil up some water.”

Ian was a very nice guy and a good baseball player too. He knew you, your expressions and mannerisms.

“Whats wrong?” Ian asked, he gulped his food.

“Nothing, I just saw my ex.” You said, shaking your head. It wasn’t that big of a deal, but to him, it totally was.

“Your ex? Austin? That idiot?” Ian basically switched personalities. He did not like Austin, and he made it show. If he didn’t like something, that’s when things got ugly.

You two had a huge argument, Ian’s flaw was that he cared a bit too much, too much that it turned into severe jealousy. It was one of the many reasons why you walked on eggshells while being with Ian.

And Austin’s life wasn’t very different, with now Kaia being a jealous woman, she argued with him all because he talked to you. You were his past, you didn’t matter anymore, people never liked you anyways, why did he care?

But Austin didn’t listen, in fact, he did all the opposite, he started following you on instagram and fortunately, you hadn’t changed your phone number. So he sent you a text, you answered, and although you two were dating jealous people you decided to go out, have lunch together.

You two sat across one another, picking at your food. You didn’t know what do say, you hadn’t seen each other in so long and to be realistic, you didn’t want to be here. You had only agreed to be kind.

“So you’re engaged now?” He pointed at your ring. It was a pretty one. It was surely expensive.

“Yes. We’re getting married next year.” You said with a nod.

“Really?” That was quick. Him and Kaia had been together for almost three years and he didn’t even know if he would marry her. “That’s good. Real good.”

He was jealous, alright? He could’ve married you but he blew everything up.

“My life is slower now, more calmer.” You said, perhaps it was because he had left. Because you didn’t deal with all the comments.

“My life is different now. I guess that dating Kaia had— fastened my way of living. She likes attention and she knows how to get it.” He said, a bitter tone on his voice. He never really liked being exposed, but now with Kaia, he had been putting up with it.

After eating dinner, you two walked out into the cold weather, you felt the cold breeze hit your face.

“I missed this.” Again, with the missing thing. He missed everything, you thought. It was annoying.

“It’s just the cold, I’m sure you’ve felt it countless of times.” You scoffed, as you two kept walking.

You were annoyed at him, every time you looked at him all you could remember were all the times he never defended you. All the comments.

“She’s not even in his level ngl.”

“He should be with someone that actually meets his standards btw.”

“She must’ve put a love spell on him.”

“Why is the all-American guy dating… her?”

He was still trying to act kind, like your golden boy? What he had been once to you. But now a part of you hated him. No, you loathed him.

“Listen, I should get going. It’s late and my fiancé must be worried.” You said as you stopped walking.

“Let me give you a ride, I can-”

You cut him off, lifting your hand and shaking your head. “Spare me of pissing off my fiancé. Thank you for the offer.”

You left him there as you walked away. Damn right he could give you a ride.

Next thing you know, he mentioned you in an interview:

“We had our problems. Every couple does. I hold so much love for y/n in my heart. And we’re good friends.”

God, you hated him so much for that. Why did he say that? You didn’t want people telling you what he had once told you, in fact, you didn’t want him telling people that he knew you.

It sparked another argument with Ian. And back at his home, it sparked the biggest argument he have had with Kaia.

He was getting fed up, Kaia criticized you any time she could, even when you weren’t slightly mentioned. But she knew, she knew that normal people outside the shippers didn’t like her with Austin. Specially because of who her parents were, helicopter parents who tried everything to get Austin involved with them in some way.

He wanted you, he came to the realization that he didn’t want anyone else but you. Just you. He was willing to get on his knees because of you.

And what other occasion than two days before Christmas? He had been going back and forth with himself but he was sure of this. You were walking peacefully on the streets, looking at the decorated trees with lights. And you saw him.

“I was hoping you saw what I was in the interview.” Austin said as he begun walking by your side.

“Yes, I heard.” You nodded your head. Maybe if you didn’t pay much attention to him he would leave. “And I hated every single part of it.”

“What? Why? I spoke sincerely. I don’t even speak of my girlfriend in public.” He said, as if him saying that he she’ll cared for you would make up for everything.

“Don’t act like you were kind, like you were the best boyfriend. You were awful every time.” You finally said some of what you’ve been holding back.

“Y/n, listen to me.” Austin grabbed your arm to stop you from walking.

“Don’t even hold me like you know me.” You snapped at him, taking a few steps back. “In fact, don’t even tell people that we know each other.”

“I loved you back then and I love you now. I’ve always loved you. I was stupid enough to try and deny it back then and it was the reason why we broke up.”

You laughed in his face. Did he think that was the reason why you two broke up? Ha!

“We both know why we broke up. You left me in line with all the emotional baggage. You never stood up for me. Not in front of your family, or anyone in general.”

“Y/n, I was an idiot. And I know you can forgive me-”

You raised your hand to cut him off, shaking your head. “I’m not your father, I don’t have to forgive you. I could but I won’t.”

You didn’t have to forgive him. You were in all your right to never forgive him. But a sort of you could only stare at his eyes, Austin— he was unique. You didn’t think that Ian could compare. No one lit a room the way Austin did. He was magical. And you were sold. You would always be.

“You know, I really regret everything I did. I just— I never knew why I couldn’t stand up for you. Or for myself either way. Because I knew how much you loved me. And how much I loved you.”

He spoke with vulnerability. You could see it in his eyes that he regretted everything.

“It hurt me more than it hurt you, you know? I was dying inside and I couldn’t find comfort in you because how could I know that you didn’t agree with all those comments?”

Then it dawned on him. All you wanted was for him to have your back. And he never once gave you that security. You didn’t know if this time it would be any different. And that’s what made you doubt.

But he looked very serious, but maybe it was too late now. You were engaged to another man. A man that maybe showed you off a bit more. A man that was not afraid to let his tongue run when it came to defend you.

And you didn’t want to betray Ian, he was a good man. Even if his jealousy always ruined everything. You looked at Austin, him his begging eyes, one bad look from you and he would get on his knees and beg.

You had to think of this, no contact. To think of everything.

“Merry Christmas, please don’t call me.”

You spoke before walking away, leaving him there standing.

Everything had gone wrong with Ian during Christmas Eve and Christmas morning. His jealousy had turned into something you did not like— violence.

And it started to scare you. A part of you wanted to give Austin a call but you did not know. He was still dating Kaia and you were with Ian. But you didn’t if it would last. Not after his jealous and violent rage.

But you thought— why not?

You grabbed your phone and stared at the screen for a while before searching for a contact.

‘Austin’

You stared and then hit the call button.

Maybe this Christmas, you actually wanted him to call.

[quirekey]

hey! I rlly rlly love your writing and I was hoping I could request Rb Chase X a female human reader that can actually sing, bc we all know Chase can’t sing….reader is coming to griffin rock to try out for some sort of audition the mayor did (who knows what goes on in this dudes head atp) and was also planning to visit the burns. The burns, and the bots, watch her sing in the audition and chase is js like: 😱 I literally love the guy, he’s so silly.

You can do this either as hcs or a fic, doesn’t matter!

Reader is like a part of the burns family, like a sister to the family but is just a rlly close friend that grew up with Kade, Dani, and Graham (before Cody was born) Tysm!! Also, Merry late Christmas and have a happy new year!!🩵

WAWAW FINALLY RESCUE BOTS MY BELOVED CHASE MY BELOVED AAAAAAAA!!! ALSO TYSM MOOT! MERRY CHRISTMASD TO YOU TOO! I’ll do a fanfic because you are aawesome mootie

[ CHASE ] x [ FEMME!READER ]

[ chase x human!femme!singer!reader ] [ part 1 ]

Part 2

Chase knew you awhile back. The Chief told Chase and the ther rescue bots about why you are around in the station so often. You were a closer friend of Graham, Kade and Dani, they all saw you as an unrelated-sister. Chase didn’t understand at first but he didn’t mind your presence.

When the mayor announced an audition for a play that he was setting up, the Burns immediately knew you would’ve gone for it. The three siblings were talking about how you do sing but you never sang to them, they found out because Kade was ease-dropping on you when you were on a call.

(Let's say it was a different audition since the one last-time did go wrong)

When the auditions were in session, the Burns family, Boulder and Chase were there to make sure it’s safe and to watch. Like last time, there were many talented people in line to audition, you included. The excitement the Burns family showed was over the roof, mostly Dani since you’re closest to her.

When you came up to sing, oh how Chase’s face changed so fast at your melodic and mature singing. You sounded so different to what he usually hears and the soundwaves of your voice pierced through him. He shut his optics and listened through the whole thing while body-guarding outside of the building. Chase relaxed slightly and he had a light blue tint to his face ( which is blush ). Chief was the only one who noticed this and he caught on pretty quickly. Chase was either in-love with you or admired you and it looked adorable. Seeing a massive sentient robot admire a small human for something so poetic is pretty unique.

( Chief Charlie )

”Chase, are you okay?”

( Chase )

”… Oh- Of course, chief. I am just overheating because of the weather.”

Charlie clearly didn’t believe him, it was just a warm; sunny day. Your singing suddenly comes to a stop and Chase looks somewhat disappointed, failing to mask his true feelings with his stoic face. This only proved Charlie’s suspicions.

When you came out, you were suddenly jumped by Dani who praised you with hugs and love. Graham and Boulder were both congratulating you from the side while Kade gave an impressed expression. Chief then came up to you and placed a hand on your shoulder.

”You did an extraordinary job, kid, keep up the work.”

( Y/N )

“Thank you so mu- Wait, did you three come to listen to me sing..?”

( Dani )

“Of course, (Y/N)! A little birdie told me you could sing so we had to check it out.”

“You guys are something else… Thank you guys so much!”

“Well done, (Y/N), you have gained my trust and admiration.”

You turned to see Chase beside the Chief, he’s stoic and blushing… You knew Chase a little, how liked to sing but he wasn’t good at it or that he memorised all of the laws and rules on both Cybertron and Griffin Rock.

”Thank you, Chase. You're not bad yourself.”

THE END… or to be continued

( wink wink )

Sorry it was so short, it was either short or way tooooo long 😔 if you want more, just ask lolol

[bitethedevil]

Feel free to just ignore this if the prompt is too horny but uh...

Mephistopheles having some fiends deliver a present to the boudoir for Raphael. That present is a very confused, but also very naked, Tav who is all tied up with silk and has a collar and chain on her neck. Evidently devil-daddy-dearest caught wind of the fact that his son is secretly infatuated with the adventurer (Haarlep told him).

For her part, Tav isn't opposed to being in this... ah... position, but she definitely would have preferred Raphael be the one to have brought her here via invitation rather than... whatever this is.

A Gift (NSFW)

(This isn't super edited or anything. Bear with me)

Tav was finally returning to the land of the living after having been knocked out. Her head was foggy and when she opened her eyes, she couldn’t see. She could feel that she had a silk blindfold on, and another silk ribbon was in her mouth, gagging her.

She tried to move around. She quickly noticed that she was completely naked. Her hands and legs were bound together too, and they were tied tight. Her hands had begun to fall asleep. What the fuck was going on?

She heard quick and heavy footsteps, and her blood ran cold. She heard that the footsteps came to an abrupt halt a few steps away from her.

She tried to speak through the gag, but it only came out as muffled sounds

“Heuuo?” she said.

The footsteps slowly approached her, and she felt the tip of a very warm finger tickle the skin of her naked belly, as the person snatched a piece of paper that was laying over it.

“Heuuuuuo??”

“Patience, mouse,” she heard a very familiar voice say. “Let me read.”

“WAPHAEF??” she asked in shock.

“Indeed…” he answered calmly to her gibberish. “I can assure you that I had nothing to do with your current predicament.”

“Whaeffuumeaouavenothowifthis???” she mumbled outraged. “whyamaNAGED??!”

She heard him sigh and she felt a clawed finger slip under the silk covering her mouth and pulling it down.

“Try again,” he said.

She sputtered. Her tongue felt dry from the fabric that had been covering her mouth for gods know how long.

“What the fuck is going on?”

“It appears that you were kidnapped and brought here,” he answered. “Though not by me or any of mine.”

He lifted up her blindfold. She blinked at the sudden light as her eyes adjusted. She was in a bedroom. Raphael’s bedroom. Naked. On his bed. She squinted at him. He was in his devil form. She looked to the paper in his hands.

“What does that say?” she asked.

“Nothing that concerns you,” he said.

He sat down beside her. He was at least nice enough to cover some of her with the blanket on the bed.

“Can you at least tell me something? Who kidnapped me? Why am I in your bed naked?”

He sighed and unfolded the paper that she had come with. He held it up to her face for her to read. She squinted at it.

“That Mephistopheles?!” she asked. “Why does he think you want me?”

“It’s a lazy attempt at distracting me,” Raphael explained. “I am not sure why. No gifts are free in the Hells.”

She noticed that he was occasionally glancing over her body, though he was trying to be a gentleman and look her in the eyes. She felt very naked.

“Are you in love with me or something?” she teased.

Raphael gave her a look that told her she was absolute ridiculous for asking that question.

Her eyes went to the growing bulge in his pants and then looked at him with a shit-eating grin, as to say that his body was telling a different story.

“Insolent whelp,” he huffed and pulled down her blindfold over her eyes again. “I will send you on your merry way back to Faerûn.”

He was about to do the same with the gag, but she stopped him. There could be an opportunity here. She had always had a bit of a thing for the devil and this might be her only chance to explore that little fantasy.

“Waitwaitwait,” she said.

Raphael paused his movements.

“I didn’t say I minded it,” she said. “And I mean, I’m already here... It would honestly be a bit of a wasted journey if you just sent me back, wouldn’t it?”

“Oh?” he said and chuckled. “And what do you suggest we do with you instead?”

“Uuuh w-well,” she stammered. “You could free me first maybe?”

“Not a chance,” he said and slowly pulled the blanket that was covering her off her. “I rather like seeing you like this.”

He did not remove the blindfold again, so she couldn’t see what he was doing. She suddenly felt a claw run up her thigh and it made her shiver. It continued its journey over her hip and over her stomach until it went over the underside of one of her breasts and it finally reached her nipple. He made slow circles around it with his thumb, and she felt the bed dip beside her shoulder.

“I will give you one last chance to say if you want to go home instead,” he purred in her ear.

She promptly shook her head.

“Good,” he whispered in her ear.

A moment later she felt his arms under her and in one swift movement she was on her stomach with her bound wrists above her. After, she felt the absence of him in the bed. She listened and she gathered that he must be taking off his clothes. She heard the sounds of fabric ruffling and hitting the floor.

Then she felt the bed dip again on each side of her legs, followed by clawed hands on her ass. She felt them knead her, pulling her cheeks apart. She could feel just how wet she was when he did so. A single clawed finger traced her slit.

“My, you are positively dripping, mouse,” he said with what sounded like amusement in his voice and then mockingly repeated what she had said to him: “Are you in love with me or something?”

The finger found her entrance and made teasing circles around it. There was some panic at the back of her mind about the claw, but it felt too good for her to really grasp it. Though when he dipped his finger inside her, she suddenly felt it fully and started squirming. His free hand quickly moved to her lower back and held her down so that she could not move.

“It will only hurt if you keep moving around,” he said as if he had read her mind. “Relax.”

It was not as if she had much choice. He was much stronger than her and the hand on her back made it so she could not move even if she wanted to. He was right though. He was careful with the way his finger moved inside her as to not scratch her.

As the panic ceased, pleasure took over and she started moaning softly into the pillow. She still wanted to move but for a different reason: she wanted more.

She felt a second finger enter her and it was only Raphael’s hand on her back that stopped her from arching it. Even when he added a third, it did not hurt. She could feel his claws inside her, but he somehow knew how to angle them, so that they did not cause her pain.

All of a sudden, he pulled his fingers out, leaving her feeling empty. She was already a moaning mess at this point, and she whined at his absence. She felt him rest his arm on her upper back, pushing her down into the mattress as he leaned over her. She heard a drawer open beside the bed. He took something from it and closed it.

He poured some sort of liquid and she felt him distributing it over her ass and slit. For a moment she feared that he had planned on anal, but she soon after learned why lubrication was necessary.

He leaned fully over her and put one arm under her neck, holding her head up from the pillow. She was completely pressed into the mattress under his size and weight. She felt him against her ass. He rubbed his hard cock up and down between her cheeks and she felt that feeling of panic rise within her again. She might not be able to see what was going on, but she could feel it: he was big.

“I couldn’t persuade you into changing into your other form?” she choked out from underneath him.

“And deny you feeling all of me?” he purred into her ear. “I did give you a chance to say no, little mouse.”

She felt him teasing her entranced with the head of his cock. She mentally braced herself. He at least had the decency to enter her slowly. The sounds Tav made were between gasps and moans as he filled her completely. The groans and growls he was making in her ear made her even wetter, despite the pain she was feeling from his size.

She couldn’t even do anything to accommodate his size as her legs were still bound together, making her lie prone underneath him. By the time he was fully inside she felt as though she was being ripped apart. He started moving slowly.

After while it stopped hurting as much and his pace quickened. It didn’t take long before he came inside her with a growl in her ear that she could feel in her whole body. She thought it might be over, but he didn’t pull out. He stayed exactly how he was. He kissed and nibbled at her neck with his sharp teeth. Only a couple of minutes later he was hard again.

He took her over and over again like that for what felt like hours. She managed to come multiple times and by the end of it she was so out of breath and overstimulated that she felt like leaving her body by the time Raphael finally pulled out and got off her.

She breathed hard into the mattress. She could feel just how much cum was leaking out of her after he pulled out. She was an exhausted mess. She wanted to make some smart comment once they were finished but her mind was mush.

Raphael rolled her over onto her back so she could breathe properly after having been pinned underneath him for so long. She felt a claw under the silk ribbons that tied her legs together, cutting them up. She immediately moved her legs once they were freed and whined at the feeling of soreness. He did the same with the ribbon around her wrists.

She removed the blindfold, now that she was fully freed and sat up on the bed. They had made a mess out of the sheets, she noticed. She looked up at Raphael who surprisingly didn’t seem the least bit exhausted. Except for a few strands of hair out of place, he looked fine. Tav felt like she had been to war. He smirked at her.

“Tired?” he asked.

She nodded. She was still out of breath. Her eyes went to his once again erect member. She looked at him with almost pleading eyes. She could not do more of this. He chuckled at her reaction and brushed a stray strand of hair behind her ear.

“As entertaining as it would be to break you, I won’t do so tonight,” he said. “I will have Haarlep take over instead. I have a suspicion that they have something to do with all of this and they could use a little reminder of their place.”

How the fuck could he keep going? Did Haarlep deal with this daily? Tav wasn’t sure she really wanted to know. She had never felt so thoroughly used as she felt now. Her whole body was aching. She wasn’t even sure she could stand on her legs.

Raphael got up from the bed to look through a wardrobe. He threw one of his shirts at her. She looked at it for a moment and then remembered that Raphael could transport her to anywhere in the Mortal realm when sending her back, so she decided that maybe it was a good idea to put on some clothing.

She pulled it on with her aching limbs. It was far too big for her, but it covered her naked body at least. He was looking her up and down with a self-satisfied smirk, admiring her in his clothes and how he had ruined her completely.  

“It would be greatly appreciated if you didn’t send me back to a busy street or something while I’m in this state,” she said.

He smiled at her.

“You speak as if I don’t know where you live, dear,” he said. “I never let my favorite clients out of my sight.”

He raised his hand to snap.

“Until next time, little mouse. Do try not to be kidnapped my any other devils in the meantime. I do so hate to share.”

Snap.

(Thank you for this ask <3 Sorry for being super slow at going through my inbox.)

[brodygold]

Hey, there. My God-fearing girlfriend and her family (and mine) are all giving me migraines on end on why I should not get involved with you guys. But I think I wanna get involved and help start a Golden Army of swimmers wearing gold speedos and briefs. The only way for me to get my family on board is for... Ah, screw it, I'll come out and say it: can you please turn my controlling family, my obnoxious girlfriend, and her volatile and acrimonious family into the PERFECT speedo-wearing swim team and have me lead the team as well?! It would be the perfect Christmas present ever!

And Merry Christmas to you and your Golden Army! Will reblog! You'll know who I am when I do! Thanks a bunch!

Merry Christmas, bro! And to everyone else!

To be honest with you, bro, it sounds like it might be easier to just break up with your girlfriend. But I have heard love makes people do crazy things, so I can understand why you wouldn't want to. I know just what to do.

I teleported some special packages under their Christmas tree, wrapped in shiny gold paper and bows. As soon as one of them is opened, the speedo inside will launch itself at the target, becoming stuck on their body for a short while while the transformation takes place.

And what exactly is going to happen? I'm glad you asked!

For your girlfriend, let's just say he's more of your boyfriend now. There's no indication he was ever a woman to begin with, from head to toe. Sorry she's lost some of her more striking features if you know what I mean, but I think I more than made up for it downstairs. It can barely fit in the speedo!

Now I know what you're thinking. There's no way the others would open one of the gifts after that happens, and I agree. That's why the gifts are all set to open as soon as the first one does. Your girlfriend's family will never know what hit them!

And what hits them is pure transformation. I don't know what they look like to start, but just imagine it: chiseled abs, pillows for pecs, fully defined muscles in their arms and legs, a nice package down there, and a sporty haircut up top. The older folks will become much younger, still in their prime for swimming.

Let's talk about the mental changes too. Their minds will slow down slightly, their IQs dropping. Obviously they're all going to be into men now, whether they were before or not. Some of them I'll just make gay, but I'll also make some bisexual or pansexual, maybe an asexual too. We're all about diversity here in the Golden Army and embracing our true selves.

That's why they'll still be God-fearing, just not as extreme in their beliefs. They'll be much more liberal in their religion from now on. And they certainly won't have a problem with "sodomy" anymore!

I didn't forget about you of course, bro! I'll let you keep most of your thoughts and smartness, make your physical changes just a bit better to make you a true leader. Your "girlfriend" certainly will like the new you, bro.

I hope you enjoy your Christmas present from the Golden Army, bro. Practice starts at 6 am sharp tomorrow, and as swim team leader you better be there! We can worry about your family later. Just enjoy your new team for now!

[nobodylikety]

Capy-what? ₍ᐢ•(ܫ)•ᐢ₎

I found the idea of @incherryblossoms about capybara hybrid! reader x hybrid! New Jeans very interesting! so here it is!

I did some research on capybaras (which by the way was very interesting, since one of my favorite things when I make a hybrid! character is researching the animal and its characteristics), so I hope you like it <3

tags: Hybrid! New Jeans x Capybara hybrid! Reader, College AU, comedy??, fluff.

summary: New Jeans sets out to find out why capybaras recently been a sensation among people, social media and the animal kingdom, by meeting one for the first time!

Seoul National Hybrid University (SNHU) has university houses close to campus for its students. One of said houses is occupied by Hanni, Danielle, Minji, Haerin and Hyein —although Hyein is only doing Pre-university, before officially joining as soon as she sends her exam results and final averages.—

In this way, only five rooms of the six in the house are really occupied, because the one that is free, the girls use it as a kind of storage-room.

So it's an empty room.

That is, until Haerin opens the door, ready to throw another piece of junk inside, a cat toy that she broke because she doesn't know how to keep her claws still, and she finds that there is a damn capybara snoring in the bed, which until this morning, it was empty.

The creature lies on its side on the blankets like a deformed dog, and even lets out a snort in its sleep.

If she had her way, history would say that she remained calm and collected; that she silently took out her phone and sent a text message to the group chat, and she would simply leave the storage-room and return to her room. In the morning, she would brainstorm with Hanni, Danielle, Minji, and Hyein about what the hell she had seen, and she would go on her merry way and simply no one would do more about it. Because, a capybara in the damn room? Seriously? The largest rodent in the world, and also quite docile. Nothing to be scared about.

But history will tell otherwise, because instead of calming down, Haerin is screeching and meowing. And upon noticing her, she immediately covers her mouth with her hand, but the damage has already been done. The capybara wakes up with a screech and lets out some warning barks.

All the noise in the storage-room, that is, the barking of the capybara, as well as Haerin's desperate feline meows and screeches, are so loud, there is no way that the rest of the girls cannot notice that something, whatever that is, it's happening.

"No no no. Shut the fuck up. You can't bark at me, you big rat," Haerin hisses, trying to be dominant, in order to defend herself from the big rodent that stands on top of the bed and glares at her. But she's just a scared kitten who plays the tough role, and doesn't do it very well.

“HAERIN ARE YOU OK? YOU ARE DYING? I'M ON MY WAY!" Danielle, loud and hyperactive as she is, is the first to come to the grumpy hybrid cat's rescue.

The puppy peeks out from behind Haerin, whose tail and ears are perking up, to bump into the barking capybara on the bed.

“Is that a radioactive rat?” she asks, tail wagging gently.

“How am I supposed to know, you stinky puppy? I opened the fucking door and it was there!”

For a moment the capybara on the bed takes a backseat, while Danielle and Haerin fight like a cat and dog, trying to decide if what is on the bed is a deformed, obese dog or a giant radioactive rat.

“I'm a capybara, actually?” You interrupt their discussion gently, after resuming your human form. The little ears are still poking out of your head, half hidden by the brown hair, as is the tail, where...well, where the tails go.

Haerin and Danielle look at you, in a mix of caution and silly surprise. They look meticulously at the room, detailing that there are some half-open boxes.

“Hi” you greet, smiling slightly and holding out your hand.

What are you doing in that room? In the storage- room? What if you're a sociopath who took over the room and is going to kill them all? In Haerin's head, all the panic alerts are on.

Not Danielle's.

Haerin will never understand what kind of gears move a dog's brain; she swears Danielle has sawdust in her head.

"And you are…?" Haerin inquires, with a knot in her stomach. She ignores the outstretched hand, even after Danielle does accept it.

“Oh, sorry. I'm your new roommate, I just moved in this morning. Didn't they give you notification? They were supposed to send it to your mailbox…”

Ah yes, the mailbox. Danielle hates the mailman. She probably ran around him, and in the process she missed the envelope that contained the notification inside it.

“Uh, uh, no. I'm sorry," Haerin feels less tense knowing that at least you're not a sociopath who's going to kill them. “So, you were the sleeping capybara?”

You nod your head.

“I was just supposed to take a nap and then wake up to say hello, but…” you wave your hand, smiling slightly embarrassed, cheeks rosy. “Things didn't go according to plan.”

"Don't worry! You just scared Haerin to death, but she's over it," Danielle comforts you, whose tail wags so enthusiastically that it looks like the propellers of a helicopter, while she animatedly pats Haerin's shoulders. She hisses back at her.

But before you can answer, the rest of the inhabitants of the house heads to the room-no longer-cellar, due to Danielle's lack of return after saying that she would go to 'save Haerin'. A hybrid bear towers over the others, while floppy bunny ears appear among the group, along with a bushy fox tail.

Minji, Hanni and Hyein, respectively, as introduced to you by Danielle.

“So it's because of you that Haerin screamed as if someone had eaten her cans of tuna,” Minji comments, covering her mouth, half yawning, half laughing. She is disheveled, as if she just woke up from a nap.

“I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare her, or you”

“L-let's just hope t-the screams don't happen again.” Hanni lets out a shy giggle, then adjusts her floppy ears. She seems to be sensitive to noise, and she is softer and gentler than the others.

“With Haerin in this house, it's kind of difficult,” Danielle responds, panting with her tongue out to cool herself. Having her tail wag so vigorously must have tired her out. “But maybe you'll give us some peace,” she says, looking in your direction.

"What are you saying? Me?"

“You're a capy-something, aren't you?” Hyein, the youngest of them all, asks with genuine interest. Her bushy tail dances behind hers, with the elegance that Danielle's tail does not have, even though they share some kinship relationship as they belong to the same Canidae family.

“Capybara, yeah”

“They say that capybaras are very popular. People love them, they are like… super sociable, calm and very adorable” Hanni has done her research on it, a fact that makes her blush hard, realizing that it is as if she had done some research on you. Or more precisely, as if she had deliberately commented on that, because you are there.

"That's why I say it! Maybe if she's here, she'll make us get along better. Finally someone will be able to exorcise the demon that Haerin has inside!” The nonsense that Danielle constantly says makes you unable not to smile. You can still hold back a little the laughter, but you have the feeling that the more you live with her, the less you will be able to stop yourself from laughing.

Minji yawns again, slumping against Haerin, who wraps her arms around her waist and nestles her chin against the crook of her neck.

“Haerin doesn't have a demon inside her. Haerin is the demon,” Minji points out, laughing. To annoy Haerin, the bear hybrid plants a kiss on her cheek that makes her hiss. "You see? totally demonized”

It seems like everyone is very close, which is nice. And friendly too, because they make you feel very welcome.

“Don't pay attention to those three,” Hyein suggests with a smile, referring to Dani, Minji and Haerin. “They're like the Three Stooges, really.”

“They don't seem that bad to me” You smile, realizing that she doesn't mean it in a bad way. But from affection. She knows them. And she loves them. It is that type of love and closeness that implies mockery and complicity.

“Anyway, we're glad you're here. It's..-” Hannie covers her ears, because Danielle is barking again.

“Because you are another person to love!”

When you think that someone, probably Haerin (you don't have to live with them much to realize that they get along like a cat and a dog and that, even so, they love each other very much), is going to tell Dani to shut up for shouting cheesy things, they all nod in agreement.

“If they say people love capybaras, why don't we?” Despite Danielle's earlier outburst, which causes Hanni to panic and cover her ears, she continues. Her voice is so gentle and soft it sweetens your ears. “We will have plenty of time to get to know you”

“Let's see if capybaras are as charming as people make them out to be on social media.” Haerin snorts under her breath, but you notice how he looks at you for a moment, eyes shining, before looking away with a growl. Tsundere.

“They must be! You seem huggable” Minji seems like the only thing she cares about is whether you're comfy and soft to cuddle with. She's a hybrid bear, taking naps with people she likes is something you'll have to get used to from now on.

Then another discussion breaks out about why-capybaras-are-so-loved-and-popular, which only makes you smile.

Living in this house will not be boring at all.

Not when there are five hybrids who seem to just had a crush on you.

Which only proves that capybaras are capable of having anyone head over heels.

[vukovich]

Fisting prompt if you're interested! Two people down the hall from me hooked up on my very first night of university. He fisted her with a ring on and it cut inside her vagina and she bled everywhere and needed stitches. A bunch of girls (all strangers at this point) gathered to help her in the bathroom and it was very wholesome. Pretty sure they hooked up again after that too.

So the prompt is something along those lines with Draco fisting Harry while wearing a ring on their first night of 8th year/university/new job, etc., it doesn't go well, and Harry needs medical attention. He can have a vagina if you're feeling it, but no preference between that and ass. Merry fistmasssss

Put a Ring on in It

Draco never would have done it if Potter hadn't dared him.

"You gonna get cold feet now, Malfoy?"

They were both utterly pissed and high off triumph.

"Chicken," Potter said. He tossed his packer to bounce off Draco's chest and onto the floor.

It was warm.

Potter was warmer. And wet. Drenched. The only thing he said was "More", until Draco ran out of fingers, but Harry begged like a man starving.

They didn't quit until Draco's shoulder shook. He was pressure-red across the knuckles, like he'd punched a wall, then dunked his fist in Vaseline to put out the burn.

Potter excused himself to the restroom and didn't come back. Draco didn't take it personally. In fact, he hardly noticed.

--

Potter robbed him. It was the only plausible explanation.

In the morning, his ring and wallet were gone. He noticed the missing ring immediately upon waking. He missed it like a dead spouse, the absence in bed palpable.

Magic didn't find it, so it wasn't anywhere nearby.

When he wrested last night's clothes back on, his pockets were empty.

Potter. He scoffed at the indignity of it while doing up his cuffs. Of all damned people. Auror Potter.

A freshening spell would have to do this morning. He had a police report to file.

--

By the time he reached the desk, his ire had faded. Rather than demand to see Potter or loudly narrate the contents of his report, he cleared his throat and said:

"Yes, Auror Potter found my wallet and I'm supposed to pick it up from him."

The secretary glanced up at him sidelong. Then down. She lingered on his shoes.

"He's sick."

Draco considered finding Potter's office and breaking into it. The secretary wheeled her chair to a rotary phone on the other end of the desk. Her back was to Draco.

And then he was halfway down the hall.

Left: Aurors A-H Right: Aurors I-R Ahead: Aurors S-Z

"Helpful," he whispered to himself.

He kept his stride casual and did not think about what would happen to a former Death Eater, who was somewhere in the twilight between drunk and hungover, when he got caught ransacking a Senior Auror's office on a lark.

Potter, Harold James

"Pfft," Draco grabbed the doorknob and twisted, just to see how sturdy the lock was. "Harold James. Sounds like a porn-"

The door swung right open. Potter was sitting at his desk.

"-name..." Draco gulped. He considered bolting. Apparating. Throwing something and screaming. "Pocket sand."

"What?"

"I said, 'You're supposed to be sick'."

As soon as he said it, he felt it, himself. His hangover was approaching like a freight train of northbound nausea. He was adept at holding himself together, but the effort made him irate.

"Oh. I am. I'm on my way home." Potter shifted in his chair like he couldn't find a comfortable spot. "I was, ah," he held up a scrap of paper, "just going to Owl you. Actually."

"To apologize for robbing me in my sleep?" Draco hissed.

Why was he even here at this God-forsaken hour, anyway? Because Saint Potter was a klepto when he drank? He surely didn't need the money.

"Wait," Potter paused in pulling a clear plastic baggie from his robe pocket, "what? I didn't steal it."

He pulled it out even more slowly, and Draco realized he'd walked into a trap. Potter had engineered this. He was some kind of one night stand stalker. He wanted Draco to come hunt him down the morning after. And he knew exactly what to steal to spur Draco best.

"You arsehole." Draco's ire stuffed his guts back down.

He snatched the baggie and held it up. Inside was his ring, safe and sound. If a bit crusty.

Potter didn't say anything to defend himself. He silently watched Draco pour the ring out into his palm. His mouth opened, then closed, then opened again.

He was probably disappointed Draco had figured him out. Maybe he'd expected Draco to be too cowardly to demand it back. That seemed more like Potter. He probably took a souvenir from all of his bedroom conquests. His wallet had better not be missing anything important.

"And my wallet?" Draco asked, like was collecting taxes.

Potter shot him a quizzical look.

Draco sniffed and said, "Or do you keep that for your sex trophy collection?"

"My what?"

"You know, your-"

And Potter leaned back in his chair, and the seat made a strange, clinical crinkling sound. And then the grind of ice cubes. And Potter's hissed breath.

And Draco finally looked down at his hands. There was a St Mungo's logo on the baggie. The dried gunk around the emerald was tinged with red-turning-brown.

Potter hadn't stolen out under the cover of darkness like a cat burglar, after all. He'd used Draco's bathroom and gone straight to the Mungo's A&E.

Potter said, "You probably left your wallet at the party. I think you left without your coat, too."

Draco gulped. His wallet was in his coat pocket in the cloak room.

The events of the night replayed in fast-forward. Many frames were missing.

"Didn't know you were left-handed," Potter said, as though watching the film in Draco's head.

"I'm... not...?" Draco said, dazed, as he desperately sought an exit.

He sent a man to the hospital and then hunted him down and accused him of theft. He'd gone to considerable lengths to do so, in fact. Illegal lengths.

The color drained from his face, and he wobbled a bit.

"I think I'm unwell," Draco warbled.

Potter handed him the folded scrap of paper and nodded towards the open door. In farewell, he said, "Interesting that wasn't even your better hand," but mostly to himself.

Draco didn't stop to consider it and shuffled in the general direction of the front desk. Presuming that the folded paper was a note to get him past the secretary, he unfolded it as he approached.

It was official stationary from the desk of Harold James Potter, Senior Auror.

Draco huffed at the self-important name choice.

There was no note. Not a single word. Just a doodle of a Niffler.

--

[starlightkun]

❧ word count: 3.4k ❧ warnings: cursing, drinking (reader gets a bit tips), vomiting ❧ genre: fluff, angst?, friends to lovers, fake dating at the office holiday party trope, reader is stupid (beloved) ❧ extra info: title taken from merry-go-round (christmas edition) by astro my loves ❧ author’s note: idk what it is about kun and christmas and cheesy hallmark movie premises that gets me going but i hope yall r liking all these lmao

“I’ll do it.” Kun immediately offered.

“Huh?”

“I’ll be your fake boyfriend for the night.”

“I lead a cursed existence,” you declared as soon as Kun picked up, slamming your front door closed behind you.

“Uh, why? What happened now?” Your friend’s voice was concerned.

“Jangwook wants to meet my boyfriend at the office Holiday Party this Friday.” You threw your house keys onto your kitchen table and stalked into your bedroom.

Kun knew exactly who you were talking about, your coworker who had been not-so-subtle in his advances towards you, crossing the line on more than one occasion. “I thought you reported him to HR.”

“Yeah, I did.” You kicked your shoes off and into your closet.

“And he still works there?!”

“Uh-huh,” you scoffed, putting him on speakerphone to start getting changed out of your work clothes. “That’s unfortunately usually how that goes.”

“God, Y/N, I’m sorry.” Kun’s voice was sincere. “You’re looking for another job, right?”

“I just started, do you know how bad it looks on a résumé to only work somewhere for less than six months?”

“I think quitting is pretty justified in these circumstances.”

“Well, I’m not. So now I have to find a fake boyfriend in the next two days or it’s going to get worse.”

“I’ll do it.” He immediately offered.

You stopped in your tracks as you were grabbing your pajamas from your dresser. “Huh?”

“I’ll be your fake boyfriend for the night,” Kun reiterated. “Come on, who else would you have asked? Yangyang?”

“Sicheng, maybe, if he wasn’t too busy.” You referenced another mutual friend of yours.

“He’s working.”

“Oh.”

“Come on, I’ll do it.”

“Alright, thanks, Kun,” you agreed. “I’ll owe you one.”

Two days later, you stopped Kun outside the event venue where the Holiday Party was supposed to be happening. Everything had to be perfect tonight, you two had to be convincing. In order to distract yourself from that idea, you readjusted the neckline of Kun’s turtleneck for a moment and smoothed over the lapels of his suit jacket.

“Okay, there you go,” you smiled at him nervously, then fidgeted with the hem of your outfit. “Do I look okay?”

“You look beautiful,” he assured you, offering his hand out to you. “Ready?”

“As I’ll ever be,” you sighed, lacing your fingers with his, ignoring the sparking along your skin where it touched his.

Walking into the party, you immediately wanted to leave. The venue was abuzz with chatter from all your coworkers, and Christmas music blasted from speakers somewhere. You spotted the bar in the far corner, and pulled Kun over there.

“No fucking way am I doing this sober,” you muttered to him, earning a laugh.

“Go for it,” he rubbed your back as the two of you sidled up to the bar. “I’m driving.”

After ordering your drink and Kun’s soda, you turned around to the rest of the party, eyes searching for somebody pleasant you could talk to. You finally spotted one of your work friends and led Kun over to her table.

“Hey, Sookyung,” you greeted her brightly.

“Y/N!” She threw her arms around your neck. Already tipsy. “There you are!”

“Here I am!” You chuckled, hugging her back. “How are you?”

“Great! Great!” She beamed at you as you pulled away, inquisitive eyes finding Kun next to you. “And who’s this?”

“Sookyung, this is my boyfriend, Kun.” You hoped your voice didn’t squeak too much over the word boyfriend. “Kun, this is Sookyung, we work on the same floor.”

“Nice to meet you.” He went to offer his hand for a handshake, but she just squealed and hugged him anyway as well.

He looked over at you in confusion, and you mouthed ‘drunk hugger’ to him. He made an ‘ahh’ sound, gingerly patting her back before she let go of him.

“So I get to finally meet you!” She was beaming at him. “When Y/N would talk about you and talk about her boyfriend, I always thought you were two separate people! And I felt bad for her boyfriend because I sort of thought she had a crush on this Kun guy. But you’re the same person! That makes so much more sense.”

“You’re not driving home, right?” You asked her pointedly, feeling your skin grow hot with embarrassment and needing to divert from that information as soon as possible.

“Nope!” She giggled. “My girlfriend’s here somewhere. She doesn’t drink.”

“Good, good.”

“Speaking of, there she is!” Sookyung took off into the crowd.

“And there she goes,” you shook your head, watching her disappear between other bodies.

You fortunately didn’t have very long alone with Kun to address what she had just said, as another coworker appeared at your table. Unfortunately, it was the exact person you’d hoped to avoid for as long as possible.

“Y/N,” Jangwook set his drink down, already far too close for comfort.

You instinctually backed away from him, right into Kun. Before you could apologize, though, Kun wrapped his arm around your waist and pulled you even closer, letting his hand settle on your hip.

He offered his other hand out to your coworker. “Qian Kun, I don’t think we’ve met.”

Jangwook shook his hand, and you could see his face contort with pain for a brief flash before he took his hand back. “Lee Jangwook.”

“Jangwook, this is my boyfriend, Kun,” you made introductions awkwardly. “Kun, Jangwook and I are on the same team at work.”

Your coworker seemed to be sizing Kun up for a moment, appraising him and the hand he still had on you, and Kun met his gaze, unwavering. Before you could attempt to continue the tense small talk, a hand grabbed your elbow, and Sookyung was suddenly at your side again.

“Y/N! The girls are doing shots, come on!”

“Sook, I don’t want to—” You were cut off by her insistently tugging you out of Kun’s grasp.

“I’ll be fine here,” Kun reassured you with a dazzling smile, pulling you closer to kiss your forehead before fully letting you go. “Go have fun.”

“O-Okay,” you replied, your voice higher as you were a bit stunned.

Needing no further prompting, Sookyung yanked you off towards the bar. You let her talk you into doing one shot with her and some other female coworkers of yours. It was your usual after-work drinks crew minus a couple men.

You set the shot glass back down with a heavy thunk on the bartop. “Alright, that’s it for me.”

A chorus of disappointed groans came at that, but you stayed firm on your decision as they all got another round, and you watched them, sipping on your cocktail you’d gotten earlier.

“You and your boyfriend are so cute, Y/N,” another one of your coworkers gushed, squeezing your forearm. “I saw you two walk in and I was just like ‘ugh, I need to find somebody who looks at me like that!’ Where did you get him?”

“Oh, we met in college,” you explained vaguely. “Friend of a friend.”

“Then why have you never brought him before?”

She was talking about the other monthly events that your workplace puts on for the employees and their significant others to socialize. You’d gone stag to the other five.

“He’s busy. He travels for work.”

“What does he do?”

“Structural engineer. So he has to be on-site for a lot of builds and stuff. He just got a promotion last month, though, so he doesn’t have to travel as much anymore.”

“Oh, that’s nice.”

“So when—” Sookyung was cut off by a hiccup. “When is he going to, you know? Pop the question? If you’ve been together since college?”

You felt your skin get hot again, and looked around the room as you tried to come up with an answer. “We haven’t really talked about that. We’re fine where we are, you know?”

“Of course, of course.”

After a little while longer, you excused yourself from the women to find Kun again. He had disappeared from the table you’d been at before, and you peered around the room curiously.

“Looking for someone?” A familiar voice came from beside your ear as an arm wrapped around your shoulders.

“Oh, Kun,” you breathed a sigh of relief, turning around to see his familiar smile. “There you are.”

He rubbed a hand up and down your exposed arm. “You’ve got goosebumps. Are you cold?”

“It’s a bit chilly in here,” you agreed casually, not even noticing due to the alcohol buzzing through your veins and warming you from the inside.

He slipped his suit jacket off, draping it over your shoulders before pulling you close to him again. “Better?”

“Much, thank you.” You pulled it tighter around you. “Are you having a good time?”

“I am now that I’m with you again,” he leaned in to whisper. “That guy was a real asshole.”

“Wow, shocker.” You rolled your eyes.

Kun snickered. “Are you having a good time?”

“Yeah, it’s alright.”

“Just alright?”

You shrugged, leaning back against him. “Guess it’s better now that I’m with you.”

“That’s what I like to hear. Now let’s get you some food.”

Sat down at a table with Kun and a big plate of food, you happily munched away as he kept a casual hand on your thigh, and you tried not to think about his casual hand on your thigh. You were on your second drink already, taking a big gulp every time your eyes happened to stray to Kun’s hand so very casually just on your goddamn thigh.

“So what did you guys talk about?” You finally asked him. “You and the asshole?”

“Oh, you know, what I do for work, education, where we met, how long we’ve been together, that kind of stuff,” Kun shrugged.

You felt your eyes widen immediately. “Do you think he knows?”

“No, baby,” he chuckled, wiping your mouth with a napkin. “He doesn’t know shit.”

“How can you be sure?”

“He felt the need to warn me about the late nights you two do at he office sometimes. He was testing me, like he was going to pull a gotcha on me.”

“We only have to stay that late because he sucks at his job, and as the new person, I’m first on the chopping block for staying late!” You ranted. “And I swear, he does it on purpose just to try to get me alone!”

“Yeah, he tried to make it sound very… scandalous,” Kun shook his head, lip curling with disgust. “I was just really casual and said you make sure to tell me when you stay late so I don’t get worried about you coming home safe. Oh yeah, we live together and we’ve been together since college. That work?”

“Y-Yeah, that’s fine.”

“And I made him promise not to tell you, but—” He had a mischievous grin on his face as he added lowly, “I’m thinking about proposing.”

You almost spit out the bite of food in your mouth as both you and Kun burst into laughter, you slapping his arm with your breathless laughs. He squeezed your leg and rubbed your knee as he half-heartedly tried to shush you.

“Please tell me he looked fucking pissed,” you begged, grabbing his arm.

“He did,” Kun confirmed with a nod.

“Best Christmas present ever, Kun. Thank you.” You wiped at a tear in the corner of your eye, grabbing your drink and finishing it off in one go. “Ahh, I think I want another one, actually.”

“How are you so good at this?” You huffed, crossing your arms over your chest.

Kun had loaded a rather tipsy-you back into his car later in the night, and was now taking you back to your apartment.

“What? Driving?” He chuckled. “Been doing it a few years. They gave me a license and everything.”

“No, being my fake boyfriend.” You asked the one thing that had been nagging at the back of your mind the whole time. “You don’t feel weird or anything? Because we’re friends?”

He side-eyed you. “You’re too drunk for this conversation.”

“I’m not drunk!”

“You’re not sober enough for this conversation,” he corrected himself.

“Is it because you like me?”

“Y/N, let’s just focus on getting you home, okay?”

“Because Minji said you looked at me like… you know…”

“And Sookyung said she thought you had a crush on ‘that Kun guy,’” he retorted. “Like I said, let’s save this conversation for when you’re stone cold sober, Y/N.”

“So you don’t like me…” You mumbled dejectedly.

“That’s not what I said.”

You looked out the window, feeling the heavy pout on your face. “But you want me to be sober when you let me down easy so I don’t cry or something.”

“Y/N...” He sighed, looking over at you as he pulled to a stop in front of your apartment. “Oh, jeez, are you crying right now?”

“No…” You sniffed, wiping at a tear.

“Yes, you are, you liar,” Kun said gently.

“Okay, maybe I am.”

“Y/N, I’m not going to let you down easy.”

“You’re going to be mean when you reject me?!” You looked over at him with wide, horrified eyes.

“No, no, what? I’m not going to reject you,” he promised, offering his hand out to you. You cautiously put yours atop it, and he gently squeezed your hand between both of his. “Jeez, Y/N, I’m in love with you. And I wanted you to be sober and not crying when I told you that, but there goes that plan.”

“Really?”

“Yes. I’ll even let you in on a secret.” He shifted forward conspiratorially. “Sicheng didn’t have to work tonight, I just couldn’t stand the thought of anybody else being your fake boyfriend.”

You sloppily wiped at your wet cheeks with your free hand, whispering back, “Here’s my secret: I was only going to ask him because I knew you would’ve said yes and I thought you didn’t like me like that, and it would’ve sucked to be your fake girlfriend for one night when I wanted you to be my real boyfriend forever.”

“Forever?” He repeated with a giddy grin on his lips.

“Or something, I don’t know, I’m drunk, Kun, remember?” You pointed to yourself zealously.

“I thought you weren’t drunk? You were very insistent—”

“No, I’m sooo drunk, actually. And sleepy! You should cuddle me to sleep.”

“I’ll sit with you until you fall asleep,” he promised.

“But aren’t we for real dating now?” You tilted your head, pouting again.

“We’re going to have this conversation again when you’re sober, okay? Then we can decide if we’re for real anything.”

“You are mean.”

“The meanest, for sure,” he agreed placidly, giving your hand a final pat before reaching over to turn the car off.

Kun helped you up to your apartment, get everything ready for bed, and stepped out of the bedroom while you changed into your pajamas—you had just enough body coordination left to do that on your own. He made you drink some water and take a few pills before finally letting you crawl into bed. As promised, he sat up at the head of your bed next to you as you curled up under the covers.

“Kun?” You sniffled, looking up at him as he rested a gentle hand on your hair.

“Yes?” He looked down at you tenderly.

“Do you really like me?”

“More than.” He patted your head.

“For how long?”

“Oh, I don’t know. Months, years, who’s to say?”

“Oh. I’m sorry...”

“Why?”

“That I didn’t—” you let out a loud yawn, struggling to keep your eyes open. “That I didn’t see it sooner. I just thought you were a really nice guy.”

“I am. I’m a really nice guy who’s in love with you.”

“I don’t know if really nice people go around saying they’re really nice all the time...”

“You don’t have to apologize for anything, Y/N. I didn’t tell you.”

“I know, but—”

“You should go to sleep, Y/N.”

“But where are you going to sleep?”

“The couch. I’m staying with you until you fall asleep, though. Remember?”

“Okay...” You yawned again. “If you... If you get cold out there, you can come in here, you know?”

“Right. I’ll keep that in mind,” he agreed, humor in his voice.

“Because it gets really cold in my apartment at night, you know? Sometimes… Sometimes I’d imagine you were with me on really cold nights, cuddling me to sleep.”

“Really?” He questioned, intrigued now.

“Or… other stuff…”

He burst into laughter, stroking your forehead. “You definitely should go to sleep, Y/N, before you say stuff that you’ll have to kill me for knowing.”

“Mmm, okay.” You rolled over, finally letting your eyes flutter shut. “Goodnight, Kun.”

You were asleep before you could even hear his response.

When you woke up for the first time, it was still dark out. Your head hurt, and you chugged the rest of the water on your nightstand before grabbing the cup and shuffling out to the kitchen to get more. As promised, Kun was asleep on your couch, features illuminated softly in the moonlight streaming through a gap in the curtains. You refilled your cup of water, chugged it again, refilled it again, and shuffled over to the living room.

Standing over Kun, you pushed on his shoulder gently. He stirred, opening one eye to look up at you in confusion.

“Y/N? Everything okay?” He murmured, his voice thick and foggy with sleep.

“I’m sober,” you deadpanned. “My bed’s cold.”

He blearily scooted over to make room on your tiny couch, pressing himself into the back cushions. You crammed yourself on mostly on top of him, burying your face in his neck as his arms encircled you. Neither of you said another word as you both drifted back off to sleep.

“You’re in love with me?!” You repeated for probably the fourth time that morning, as Kun held your hair back and you clung to the bowl of your toilet.

“I don’t know how else to phrase this to make you believe me,” Kun sighed as you leaned forward to retch again. “You didn’t hallucinate last night in a drunken stupor, I really do have feelings for you, you also said you have feelings for me, I put you to bed alone and went to sleep on the couch by myself, then in the middle of the night you said you were sober and cold and joined me on the couch.”

You wiped your mouth with a wad of toilet paper he handed you, more memories of last night coming back to you. “Did… Did I say anything else?”

“Like…?”

“About it being cold?” You winced.

“Yeah, you warned me that your apartment gets cold.”

“Oh. Okay.”

“And that sometimes when it gets cold you imagine me—”

“Ah! Stop it!” You shoved him away from you as he burst into maniacal laughter. “You’re the worst! You’re mean and I hate you!”

“But what if I told you that I also imagined holding you on cold nights sometimes?” He scooted back over next to you, draping an arm over your shoulders. His lips brushed over the shell of your ear as he added, “Or… other stuff?”

The bile that rose to your throat was completely coincidental, but certainly not a good look as you apparently hurled at the idea. Kun continued dutifully holding your hair and rubbing your back as you puked.

After flushing for the umpteenth time that morning, you turned back to him incredulously. “Seriously?”

“Is there something about me that gives off the vibe that I’d lie about this?” He rebuffed.

“Well, no—” You stopped to spit into the toilet. “But I feel like there’s plenty about me that would be conducive to that hypothesis.”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“Kun, we’re having this conversation while I puke my brains out, for one.”

“And what about me would make you think I’m that judgmental?” He snorted. “You do remember the night I successfully defended my thesis, right? Because I don’t.”

“You weren’t that bad.”

“And you weren’t that bad last night either,” Kun brushed a piece of hair from your face, his gaze tender as he looked at you. “Nor are you that bad now either. And even if you were— I’d still love you.”

You felt your eyes water, and not from the burning in your esophagus this time. “Okay…”

“Okay?” He confirmed.

“Okay,” you nodded, resting your head on his shoulder.

“Thank god, I feel like I just defended my thesis again,” he joked, kissing the top of your head.

“You’re so mean to me…” You whined, burying your face in his shirt. “I don’t know why I ever thought you were a nice guy.”

“I’m plenty nice,” he retorted. “You’re just too hungover to notice.”

“So are we like… for real dating now?” You mumbled.

“Yeah, probably.”

You let out a choked laugh at that. “Good to know.”

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